God Awful Movies - 285: The Order of Rights

Episode Date: February 2, 2021

On this week's episode, we're joined by guest masochist AG of Mueller, She Wrote for a secular review of The Order of Rights; the story of a 30 year old teenager suing his girlfriend for joint custody of her uterus. --- Check out more from AG here and here. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

There's a root in her mom's bathroom for a pregnancy trust. You know that horse gonna have one. So I'm surprised that it'll have a fucking Sam's Club multipax thing that she went to or whatever. Yeah, I actually have a pregnancy test to Spencer in my house. And so I feel that. In fact, we don't call them pregnancy scares in my house. We call them abortion scares, because we're liberal.

Satanists. It's cheap. 10th one free. So anyway. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. No, a banana. Yeah, you gotta have to go get know what mood we're supposed to be in right now. Thank

you, Eli. And also joining us tonight is a special guest massacres. She's the host of the Muller She wrote podcast and the co-host of the new post Trump era podcast cleanup on aisle 45, A.G. A.G. Welcome to the show. Hey, thank you so much. And I hate you for making me watch. Right? Right? Yeah. Like, we have very few return guests. This is the thing that's always going to look out for new people who haven't listened to our show before. Okay. So, so, A.G. tell us what will we be breaking down today? Well, we watched order of rights. It's the story of a 30 year old high school student suing for joint custody of his high school girlfriends internal organs, terrifyingly accurate and Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love hashtag couple goals,

hashtag power couple, but you also love the literal enslavement of women. You will love this movie. It's the handmaid's Instagram story, everybody. We found it. So, all right, so before we dive into the movie itself, I just wanna like add this little sad fact about myself. Before we started, I saw that this movie had Ben Davies in it.

And like, you know, Ben Davies, who normal humans will remember from nothing whatsoever in all of their lives. But we've now seen this guy in overcomer. I'm not ashamed. War room, rumors of wars and courageous. This is our sixth Ben Davies vehicle. More terrifying. I saw Emma, the one who plays the girl.

And I was like, oh, she's from the anti abortion movie and the column button movie. We were not ashamed. And yeah, exactly, exactly. Uh-huh. All right. So this is normally when we do our best worst, like I'll give you an example, H.E. How this works. I'd like to nominate this movie for best worst as you've already alluded to teenagers. All right. So Ben Davies, the male lead

is supposed to be a high school student. He's supposed to be a high school football player. Okay. We first saw this guy in a movie that came out in 2011 where he played a cop. Okay, this movie came out last year. It just reminds me of hello fellow kids, you know. Yes, absolutely. Right. My wife fixated on their ages because Anna has co-watched or watched a bunch of these movies with me, but she just kept being like, why are they in a high school? Who's the parent in this conversation?

Is that the mom or the daughter? Ha ha ha ha. Well, if I had to pick a best worst for this, I would have to go with best worst edits. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha within the scope of about 20 seconds, they cut to, faded, came into a new scene, delivered a line, cut to, faded, didn't came into a new scene, delivered a line. Like they just don't understand how to move a script forward and I can't help but think, you know,

we'll get into it, but that first scene when she's riding on the bus and we're wondering what she's thinking, we'll talk about that, but I have some ideas. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Yeah, those bizarre like, you know, they keep like going into slow motion and then everything fades to black. And they're just like, just, just stop. Okay. Do a fucking star wipe if you're going to get fancy.

Okay. You can translate whoever wrote this script's thoughts because they do a blackout whenever he said, and then this is like when I was very young and would go to this garbage strip joint and be like, I could be a stripper and I really couldn't. But I'm watching this movie thinking I could make movies. Right. I'm going to go with best worst closing arguments. And that's a lot. We have watched a movie where the closing arguments were, you're all in hell and I'm the devil. Yeah. But the closing arguments

to this movie about abortion do not rise to the level of almost as what? It's a Facebook rant. The whole thing culminates in a Facebook rant. All right, well, do it. This movie is gonna go solo. We need a minute to depressurize so that we don't get the fucking bends. So we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we'll dive into

all the unapologetic misogyny that is. The order of rights. Right, right, right. Hey podcast listener, I'm Noah Luciens. And I'm Eli Bosnick, you know, with Valentine's Day just around the corner and the pandemic still running across most of the United States, it could be hard to figure out Valentine's Day plans. All right, to have a romantic dinner in a hazmat suit after all.

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So head on over to Adamineave.com and be sure to use our code, Awful. Again, that's AWF UL Awful because without it, there will be no free Valentine's stuff. That's Awful at Adamineave.com. Fuck stuff. It's the gift that keeps on giving. But you might need like some gay to raid, fair. Yeah, making powder visually. Chee Becky, thanks so much for reading our script

for the Order of Rights. Yeah, we really wanted a girl's opinion. I mean, a girl who isn't our mom. Well, yeah, exactly. No problem, guys. So I guess my first question is, why Emily? What do you mean, Becky? Well, you're making a pro-life film.

I guess if I wanted to make a sympathetic argument for pro-life, I'd have Emily be wealthy and an adult. So there isn't any question on whether or not she can support her baby. Right, but most young women who get abortions can't support a baby though. Yeah, and they are young. That's statistically.

Right, but do you guys care about that stuff? No. We actively do not aggressively. So why not make your position as sympathetic as possible? I don't understand. This a girl thing. Oh, okay, pin that. How about the boyfriend?

Maybe instead of making him a jerk who walks away once he's slept with her, he could really be supportive and want to marry her. Or maybe they could recommend adoption more strongly? Yeah, surprisingly, we are against that too in our movie. Yeah, you are. Okay. How about the wood chipper? What, what do you? Yeah, what do the wood chipper who's going to quote, malt her baby the second it comes out of her anyway, unquote, it kind of seems to make the abortion argument pointless unless the point of the movie

is just forcing women to give birth, like if that's literally all you care about. I mean, it is, it is. Yeah. Oh, well then it's perfect. I knew it. Mom said it was perfect. She did., well then it's perfect. I knew it. Mom said it was perfect. She did.

Hey Becky, one last question. Yeah. Are we married now? No, Steve, we're not married now. Beans. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on an excerpt from Roe vs. Wade that basically boils down to like Wow, if a fetus was human the answer this would be super obvious and the and the answer isn't super obvious

What I love is I actually Google this the dialogue that they play as if a fetus was a baby your case is totally lost Yes hard click. Yeah. But the answer is yes, but it's fucking not. And then the guy who asked that question is like, Oh, yeah, no, it's fucking not. No, this is very super. I just wanted to give a movie in the year 2020. And then we like fade from that to the 14th God, damn amendment, right? And it's just a guess the rights of fetuses is the main takeaway from the 14th amendment, guys, well, dot, yeah, way to cherry pick the constitution. No pun intended.

And I'm just going to go ahead and say it, hey, Christian movie in 2020, not everyone buying your movies is gonna be on board with the 14th Amendment. I know you're audience. I'm better than you. All right. So we get a drone shot of a gray shitty New England town and we see this chick on a school bus

heading home now. She is so too old to be on a school bus, but like my mind is trying to explain, okay, is she the sister of the school bus driver and just catching a ride with her or what, but she's supposed to be school aged apparently. And they didn't get other kids on the bus because they couldn't afford a bus full of 45 year old.

So she's on the bus by herself. Yeah. Yeah. I thought maybe she was the director wondering where the script was. I don't think the director ever bothered to wonder that actually. Yeah. So and then by the way, because she's so goddamn too old to be a high school student, after she gets off the school bus, she goes into this shop and a woman turns to her and says, Emma, are you just getting home from school? You school age teenager.

That lady had the worst read in the history of reads. I think I ever seen. It's so bad. So and then we meet Emma's mom who is also a gamb regular. Yeah. I didn't bother to write out every movie, but we've seen her in several of these as well. And mom owns an art gallery.

That's, and I think like that never matters, but I think that's just supposed to be like one of the dumb things a stupid feminist would do, right? Yes. And by the way, this is a fantastic check-offs gun that's going to go off in the best possible way. I'm so excited for you to share in the experience that is Christian art. Yeah, I'm so surprised.

She, she, it like part of the script wasn't just like, oh, well, hello, daughter. Come see the art that we have this week. I just got back from a protest from Black Lives Matter. Yeah. You know, something else to develop that she's the evil liberal art loving witch that they end up making apparent within the first 10 minutes of the film. Yeah, and every time we see her, she's going to double down on that in another silly

ass way. But then with like a first, like one of her first things is this, well, I'm way too busy to cook dinner for my daughter. I'm sure you can handle something when you get home. They're right, honey. Yeah. The Emma goes, you guys look busy. You're pointing at a clipboard and everything. So I just assume you don't have time for me. Do you, mom? I sure don't, honey. I'm a career woman. Yeah. And I think they tried to drive home that single mom thing pretty hard to. Yeah. Exactly. So okay. So Emma takes her latch key and goes home and we get her making dinner and I just I Know this is very minor, but she has cut in those potatoes like she's mad at her fingers and she wants to give them a good fright

I wrote my notes now. She's making herself a delicious dinner of sweet potato slices She's boiling them. She's added butter to the water. What the fuck is this? is she's boiling them. She's added butter to the water. What the fuck is this? This is... I know, I was thinking the actress could have at least YouTube some knife skills. Right?

Before she added into this scene. Oh, I have trouble watching anybody cut with a knife to begin with when I'm whinzing, but yeah, when they're doing it like this, she might, it's like fruit ninja up in this fucking kitchen. So that we get her like, she's doing her homework to some shitty Christian music. She's playing a ukulele.

I bet Anna loved that. And then we get the next morning. So okay, yeah, right. Just in case we didn't catch that mom was a terrible, evil liberal lady. The next morning we see the artist that she was chatting with at the art gallery is walking out of her bedroom with his pants on backwards. His hair all messed up. Yeah, she's driving her to school and she's like, what happened to Paul?

And mom's like, monogamy is slavery, Emma. Fuck off. Well, and mom's like, you know, I was just thinking about it the other day. We should probably get you on birth control. And the daughter's like, why? And she's like, she know, I was just thinking about it the other day, we should probably get you on birth control. And the daughter's like, why is she's like, this should be 32. Like, you're almost Perry, Metaposal. We should regulate your periods.

But she doesn't want to think about her front butt. Yeah, also, if she said yes, this movie wouldn't exist. Right. The fact that this movie doesn't seem to know. Yeah. Like this movie, I felt like this movie made an accidental argument for contraception and then they like had a prayer circle to apologize for it and just. I feel.

All right. And so now it the end is so weird that they never pulled a fucking trigger on this. We get this this school play that's going on, right? That's a sub plot of this. We've got this like angry director that's always bitching at him, but like the play just disappears and the movie forgets about it at a certain point. I literally didn't remember that they never come back to this play until you mentioned it just now.

And it's my favorite thing in the universe. Yeah, I was thinking and then they were talking about the director, Solandro, the great and powerful Solandro. I'm like, maybe the director could take some notes of this film from Mr. like how much how different would this movie be if Mr. Solandro directed it? And also I was loving the segues in this scene. The dorky kids like, I'm gonna take notes, I'm gonna be a comedian in my comedy notebook. Speaking of comedy, he wants to direct Shakespeare.

Oh yeah, speaking of Shakespeare, my mom wants me to activate sexually. Like, it's just like, where are you going? It's so stupid. Nothing makes sense. Yeah, the conversations in this movie are amazing. What's even more amazing is when the movie just gives up and it's just like, you know, you can see

they're talking in the background there. But yeah, so we're meeting Emma and her friends Stacy, her friend Stacy will randomly get a name an hour from now. But in Stacy's like, Emma, are you thinking about your uterus and she's like, I sure am. I wish, like my mom wants me to fuck. And she's like, I sure am. I wish, like my mom wants me to fuck. And she's like, I wish my mom won't meet a fuck.

And that's not seen. That's that scene. Yeah. And again, like the movie walks right up to the ledge of, gosh, there sure won't be a rest of the movie. If you say yes right now to the totally normal request for you to get on birth control as a teenager. She's like, there sure won't stay.

She shut the fuck up. Yeah, star wipe, star wipe. All right. And so now we're going to meet our male love interest. And I know that he's the male love interest because I know who Ben fucking Davey says, but the rest of everybody else watching knows because we meet him bicep first. Right? He's the star football thrower at the.

Oh, yes, they are at touch football practice. So I love the like series of ever more generic coach words we get at the same way from the scene. Oh, this coach is fantastic. Yeah. I personally love his no mental mistakes line. But when he's standing in front of a group of 40 mental mistakes. And then he's as a keep pounding. And my first note here is, is Ethan 30?

I'm new to these films. He's pretty fine. I'm new to these films. So y'all like, okay, Crows Feet, the touch football field, it should be the name of this film. Crows Feet on the touch football field. Oh, fantastic. Yes.

And so, and the coach is like, all right, now we got the big game coming up, probably we're going to forget that like we do the play, but we got the big game coming up. So stay away from all of them, you know, fucking fertile girls out there, you know, you know, a little getcha. Yeah, that's the first advice. And then so everybody goes to hit the showers and the coaches like, Ethan, you're the male lead. I need to talk to you extra. Yes, he says, your new footwork is working. We need your help and God's, the God of the Bible,

just to be clear. Jesus, yeah, exactly. Exactly. So he gets his Jesus speech. Him and his buddy, we meet his buddy Tommy, and they notice the female lead, right? And he's like, hey, man, check out that girl. And it's like, is one of you new to this high school?

How big is this school? You would just know each other. Would you be like, yeah, that's Emma. Her mom owns the art gallery. She's in the play. Yes, exactly. Tommy appears to be new to the female species of human. That's the species is the right term there, but yes.

Yes, exactly. What do I know? I'm just a mental mistake. All right, so now we've got to meet Ethan's family. Right now, I went on about this for so long in my notes, and I probably shouldn't have, because we're supposed to meet the dorky little brother saying science words, right? But the science words they give him is he's like, Hey, mom, did you know that an Adam is and then he just defines the word Adam?

Mm-hmm. Right? I mean, I mean, like, Hey, man, did you know that a square is a plane figure with four equal sides and four right angles? Like, why would you? What? So yeah, that's how lazy this was done. They couldn't even think of a science thing for the kid to know.

Well, to be fair, the mom didn't actually know what the definition of an ad- That's true. No, she didn't know. She's like, what now? The kid is like, I gotta explain to God, mom here what the fucking Adam is. Oh, if this was all him building up to the so evolution is definitely real thing. We just didn't get there. Then I love this kid. So I thought this kid was going to come by the way, he will be abandoned like, oh, so many

of the plots in this movie. But like I thought that's what this was going to come back to is they were going to talk about abortion. You was going to be like, Mr. looking this biology textbook. Don't you see how a fetus is actually just a little man in a fur coat? And they'd be like, oh my god, he's dismissed. But no, this kid's gonna be like,

an atom is defined as, wow, wow. His parents will be like, boom nerd. And then he will never appear in the fucking movie again. They so could have worked science into this because every pro life movie probably needs a science nod, right? Yeah, it could be like, we're not totally crazy. have worked science into this because every pro life movie probably needs a science nod right? We're not totally crazy, but then boom, left turn. Didn't God create atoms?

Like, oh, God, Jesus. Well, I think that was the movie backing away from it a little, but like, we don't want everybody to think he's a total science kid. We don't want him to be an atheist, right? No, we just wanted to know the literal definition of an atom. And it is there. Exactly. And then he can be religious again.

All right. So now we cut to the pep rally. Now I have to point this out to, even though it's entirely meaning us, the fact that it's so meaningless is the reason that I have to point it out. Before we cut to the pep rally scene, we have a scene where Ethan is leaving for school. His dad calls him over to the car and says, Hey, Ethan, make sure you give these papers to your coach. He left them at the prayer meeting at church last night.

He's like, okay, there will never be, we will never see those papers again. The relationship between the dad and the coach will never be explored or matter in any fucking way. This scene existed because I guess the dad was like, shouldn't I help a scene in the first third? Can we guess because apparently here is what I think happened. They had a plot point here or something that they needed to develop.

And that plot point got cut out of the end of the movie, but they didn't watch the rest of it to cut out everything they had to do with that plot point. What could it have possibly been in the context of this film? I think at the end, we should revisit this and say, now, now that you know the entirety of the script in this movie, what was the paperwork that he was supposed to give to coach? I have to know. All right. I have a theory on this.

And my theory involves you having overestimated this kind of a movie. Believe me or not. So but we'll get to it. We'll get to it. All right. So, so then we have to go to the pep rally. Oh, I love this, by the way, this is where we learned that Ethan's last name in keeping with the tradition of Christian movies with really dumb fucking acronyms for their characters

is carpenter. Ethan carpenter. Ethan Carpenter. Oh, that explains why Emma's character's full name is Emma Horson. I didn't get it for a while. It's, is it her last name's Stein? It's, it's Emma Magdalene. So, yeah, so they're introducing Ethan Carpenter at the, um, pepperally, they're like like the man who has the most touched

odds of any quarterback in school history. And I'm like, well, he's in his 30s. He's been your quarterback for like 14 years. I know. I harken back to that moment and better off dead where he's like, I've been going to this school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. Yeah. Oh, God, I love that. But you just maybe want to snort some snow. All right. But yeah, so everybody loves eating. We learn that. And then we see Emma leaving and Tommy, the friend that's new to the female species is going to follow her down

and hit her on the head and drag her back to his cave. OK. This is so vital because I think this movie just thinks like, oh, Tommy, you dog instead of, wow, Tommy's a dangerous rapist. Yeah, Tommy is the reason women hold their keys in their fists, like claws. Yeah. Yeah.

And this is one of those great examples of weird, just really nonsensical dialogue, right? Because Tommy's like, what are you doing? She's like taking photos. They don't see anything to take a photo. And then that, oh, how about take a photo of me? And she's like, you need to leave. You know, doing a normal kind of a thing,

like you're creeping me out, you need to leave. Then incomes are hero, our carpenter, but she's immediately cool with him. It's the weirdest thing. Like, whoa, like just slam left turn that happens so often in this film. Right. So, so keep in mind that here's the shift that we go from. She's walking down the tracks and some creepy dude shows up and gets like super rapey. Like, right? Like they that's definitely the implication is no I'm gonna rape you now there's no one else around suddenly this other guy shows up tells him to leave and then she's alone with this other guy that just told him to leave

and she's entirely comfortable and asks if he'd like to go get a coffee with her. Yeah literally the lines go are you okay? No Very reasonable response. I like coffee. That's a reasonable response. And then they cut to, it looks like they're in a bar, but I guess you don't need ID when you have crow's feet. And also mega sax solo, St. Elmo's fire style in this bar and I love it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

So now they have this conversation. Now this is another thing that we see a lot in Christian movies. These writers don't know what a conversation would sound like between two people who are like interested in one another's thoughts. So we zoom out and we do a montage, right? We can see that they're talking

and we hear little snippets of their conversation where she's like, and then he said, and then it just fades away in the camera pans over them from a different angle or something like that. Yeah, they literally can't write the dialogue. So they just, no. Oh, well, yeah, it's absolutely bonkers. I've never seen anything like it. And usually Christian movies are smart enough not to give us the snippets of the dialogue, but the snippets of the dialogue here are deliciously insane. It's like, and so I said 40 pieces of silver, come on and dinner the bread of it. You can make them into a stew if they're the right race, but being an epitome, and then we, we played out and

from this conversation where I'm just like, imagine how boring this shit he actually wrote was when they decided to do this. And we come out of it and we find out exactly how boring the shitty wrote was because she, her line as the montage portion ends is, I really like English class, but I don't like math class much at all. I will kill myself, movie. I will kill myself. I made it 33 years through this planet without having to have this conversation with someone.

You can't make me have it now. All right, so, but we've set up here that he's very good at trigonometry and he's gonna help her study trick, right? Mm-hmm. Now he's been working on it for 10 years. Exactly. Exactly.

He's no dumb. I'm technically the trigonometry teacher too. So yeah. So yeah, so mom's job, we get Emma's mom, Emma's feminist mom dropping her off at Ethan's place going like, well, I sure hope you get some dick out of this. How fun. I just a little note like, hey, movie, I know it's an abortion movie about abortion, but you're supposed to act happy at this point in the film.

But the actors don't know that. So she's like, I guess here I am dropping you off at your trigonometry study session. I'll see you after I'm done studying trigonometry. Kind of surprised. They didn't throw in another like she says under her breath. I wish she would have said yes to that birth control. Yeah, right. Yeah, well, this movie's too subtle for that. I don't know if you know the state she houses subtle.

You know what trigonometry leads to every time. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so their downstairs trig in hard. I love he's got his baseball cap backwards here. So he's not 34 anymore. No, it makes them look older. Right. Right. So I'm much older. And so okay. So and then this the trigonometry becomes a montage of they've dated for a while now. So that and of course, this has to happen in the movie because otherwise, this audience, the audience that they're intending would have no sympathy for either of these characters if they had sex, right? They have to have been together for at least a while.

And the math music is, I don't know who consulted on this felt they could use something like that war games computer like Something like mathematical, but no, it's not at all. It's it is not the music I would put into a math montage if you know if I ever had a math Yeah, you probably would have just skipped the goddamn math montage if you were making the film. And they're so bad at the math montage. They don't know how to fade it into snuggling. So it's literally like, you see this is a triangle to cuddling on the couch. So, yeah, I wrote in my notes, I didn't snuggle nearly this much with my trig tutor. Maybe that's why I didn't do well. Well, of course, then this montage ends with that.

They're walking down the street and that she sees a little teddy bear in the window. We don't know that it's a teddy bear for a bizarrely long time. But anyway, so she sees a little teddy bear in the window and she's like, I've always wanted a teddy bear. And my mom wouldn't buy them for me because she's a feminist and feminist, a teddy bear. Yeah. And it's, they even use the term non-gender specific toys. And, and, and I'm sitting here thinking every, I see tons of little boys in movies with teddy bears.

I don't get how a stuffed animal is a gender specific toy to begin with. But then I love that he's going to rescue her from the non-gender specific toy drought. Yes, she's been having now that she's in her 30s. Right. Well, eventually he spends 26 minutes in this scene being like, oh, it's too bad. Oh, you want a bear, okay? I got a ride right there. Well, like after she says, well, you know, if I would be way more likely to give you a

hand job later, if you bought me this 10, oh, by you, Teddy bear. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I also loved the idea that her mom's solution to not wanting to do gender specific toys was to like refuse to buy her the girly shit, right? Not to encourage her to also own the boy toy type stuff, but to refuse to let her have a doll. Fuck her. Yeah, Teddy bear, named after Theodore Roosevelt. Yeah, he got a girl toy. Exactly. You know, that girly Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, he was a loser. He was so feminine.

Little girls who loved the Spanish war. Rough riders, are you kidding? Yeah. Well, maybe, maybe get a booey knife. Yeah, it's a thing. Yeah. Oh, well, maybe maybe get a a booey night. All right. So yeah. So she gets a 97 on her math test and they're going to celebrate together. So we have to have this montage of people

who are all like all worried about how distracted he is by this, you know, parlette that he's seen now right. So we see coach in the background going like disapproving seeing a girl. Now he'll never throw a football well again He brings it up in the best way later on

And then we see Ethan's parents and they're talking about like I don't know about this relationship He's gonna discover his penis any minute now It's gonna make his way past the complex series of locks we put on it, darling. Well, we are here in the kitchen with Eva's parents. The first thing I was driving me bananas is he's trying to use two spoons to pull spaghetti out of a boiling pot of water. And I'm like, can I buy these people with spaghetti? Emma can't use a knife.

Dan can't use a spoon. Cutlery deficiencies run in the family. Right. But that drove me crazy. The subplot of this movie is that no one knew how to use a utensil. Oh, they're not in the same family. I'm sorry.

And you know why? Because the moms in this film are identical twins. Yes. Identical human beings. Thank you, HG. Why did they get too such similar looking carons for those two? At least give one of them a brunette wig, right? Yeah, or have that brunette the bad read from the art gallery be one of the moms?

Yes, not like it. It's not like it was acting talent to go around. It didn't matter. He has swapped dinner out. Have the science loving little brother play one of the moms anything different. Well, and honestly, it's not like that would make the ages even more hard to believe, right? They meet later in the movie. We're going to talk about it. It was like the mirror scene from Game of Death. That's the one where I'm going to put claws on, start smashing mirrors. Yeah, I was having a big business flashback with Lily Tomlin and Beth. That's the scene. All right, so yeah. So we cut to Ethan and Emma having a date. We get another music playing over the conversation because the writer doesn't know what liking each other sounds

like. And then Ethan takes Emma back to her place and wouldn't you know what her liberal mom has left for the nights. I didn't think about that. What an irresponsible liberal mom. Right. Right. So there's sitting at the house and Ethan's like,

well, I should go and she's like, or you could stay and fuck me. We could fuck, or if you wanted to do that. And he's like, no, I'm too Christian. She's like, or you could stay and fuck me. We could fuck or if you wanted to do that. And he's like, no, I'm too Christian. She's like, no, please. And she's like, all right, I'll let you have some tea. All right, fine. But I think we can all agree that in a movie about abortion,

we should establish that this is your fault. Oh, yeah, for sure. My fault. Then I really had to talk you into it. You didn't want to do it. Yeah. And I love how he's like, so sure. My life. And then I really had to talk you into it. You didn't want to do it. Yeah. And I love how he's like, it's so dark in your home. And I think that they had to put that in there because they couldn't actually afford to light this scene.

Oh, and this was the first time I had a note about your past worst age, where I'm like, the way they're blacking out between these scenes is fucking nuts. All right. So, yes, so the two of them fuck fuck we assume, right? Cause there's just a blackout and then we see him like, feel it real bad about it later. Oh my God, he fucking crying games in the car afterwards. Yes, exactly, exactly. If this were any other movie or any other genre,

the only assumption I could have made was that he had murdered her midfuck. If you're watching this on HBO, where it's not made by Christians, you're like, oh yeah, he fucking murdered her. He murdered her. Right, yeah. It was like Cameron Frye,

having his existential crisis about you were going over to Builers House. I'll go, I'll go, what, I'll go. Oh, you know, it was just apt like, wow, it was okay. It was so sad and upset. I've never seen anyone act like this. I have to point that out that we've already gotten from you. And this is just the first third of the show, y'all.

We've already gotten a Ferris Bueller's Day Off reference, a better off dead reference and a war game reference. You, this is the key to my fucking heart, A.G. I just wanna let you know. Not that you wanna come back on our show, but you're always welcome. A.G. Are you Noah in a voice monitor? You have to tell us. I have to tell us.

It's like being a cop. All right. So, all right. So, yeah, I wrote my notes on like, dude, if you're, if you're feeling that bad, it wasn't sex you were having. You were doing something else or something. But stuff. Did she require butt stuff?

And that's why you felt bad. Like, oh, maybe it was pegging, right? And he wasn't, you know, he just said, was she, like, are you into pegging? And he didn't, he was too embarrassed to say he didn't know that meant. Maybe he's old enough to have been in the military. So he could be way, way. So. All right, so I wrote my notes the next day they have that awkward while we fucked and it seems like everybody can tell no conversation.

But apparently this is not the next day. This is like several days later, he just ghosted her for days. The hero of our movie, everybody. Yeah, I don't even know what to say here, because can any normal human relate to any of this? Because all star quarterback hates fucking girl-like it, guy apologizes, she breaks up with him. Well, first of all, this filmmaker hates women. Second of all, that's not why you ghost a girl,

because you feel shame from fucking her. That's not the ghost that I think we're all used to right well Yeah, so he fight he comes up to our guess a week or so later. He says hey, are you okay from the Bucking we did last week is she's like yeah, I'm fine from the fucking man What why would you ask me that? He's literally unable to understand that they had consensual sex He's like I'm sorry. I did that to. And she's like, oh, it's fine. I wanted you to fuck me and you fuck me.

It was a good time. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. No, to do that. No, no, it wasn't. It's wrong. There's a wizard who's mad at us now. Right?

Right. He could have thrown in at least like a, well, we're not supposed to do that before marriage so that we could kind of understand right where he's coming from but i guess i can write christian movies better than christians i don't know maybe well i got to say that here's the life that really got me right because at one point he's like well it was wrong i should have respected you more and i'm like no no no no don't

sell it is that you mother fucker you're respecting her less let's be super god damn clear on that that's what's happening here. No, I should have respected you more. I mean, not as much as I would by acknowledging that we had consensual sex, but now that I've slut-shamed you and I'm literally breaking up with you, I promise from now on to treat you like a fragile vase. I could knock over it and I could not go over it any second to my penis. And I just, when I was watching this and I hate to be the guy who has a kid and then keeps relating everything back to his kid because it's comedy cancer, but like, I worry about my son, like not hitting his milestones or not drinking enough formula.

And then I remember that the bar is don't shame your kids so hard. They feel like fucking someone consensually is a bad thing. It's a bar I have to crawl over. Good luck, good luck if you need any help. All right, well, they clearly AG need to minute to check with a man about how she feels about all of this. If this movie said anything to go by, so we're going to pause for a quick break, but we're going to be back in a flash with even more 80s movies references.

Thanks for helping us out with the ads, H.E. No problem, guys. I run ads on my shows, so I get it. It needs to happen. Yeah. Well, you know, we try to make ours, you know, fun skits. So it's not just a same boring ad read over and over. Oh, gotcha. So I'm here in red. Yeah, red is you. All right, that's great. All right. Hey, Eli, what's you doing? Oh, hey, gee, I'm just shoveling my money into this hole. Why are you doing that? Well, I'm trying to blend for my future, of course. Well, Eli, if you want to do that, why don't you, oh, guys? Yeah, you're a, is there a problem?

What's that? Is your sponsor this week Robin Hood? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys been seeing the news? No, no, not really. I only read gamer news for gamers. Well, it's just that, I mean, sorry, we actually have a pretty quick turnaround today.

Do you mind if we talk about whatever you want to talk about afterwards, which is going to do the ad? All right. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So if you can just take that from your last line, sure. ELA.

Okay. Here we go. Ready? Yeah. Go ahead. ELA. Why don't you try Robinhood? What's Robinhood, A.G?

Well, Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks. ETFs, options and cryptos, all commission free when they feel like it. Sorry, is when they feel like it in the ad copy this week? Yeah, yeah, they sent new ad copy this morning. It's crazy. Right. Okay. While other brokerages charge up to $10 for every trade, Robinhood doesn't charge any commission

fees. Hell, how could we charge you a commission fee when we don't let you do anything but watch us bail out our billionaire cronies? Seriously, this is the copy, you guys. Yeah. I thought you were a professional podcaster. Can you just read the copy that we gave you? All right. And right now, you can watch us stuff your literal cash into our pockets and run away like the piggy-pigs we are. What are you going to do about it? Guys, I really think you might wanna read the news. It's just a one more line. One more line, AJ, if you don't mind.

Robin Hood, robbing the poor to feed the rich. Awesome, great read, AJ. Thanks. Ah, right. Are you ready for the next step? Sure, who's it for? Dave's asbestos inhalers, the only inhaler that's fireproof. Okay. Ah. That's gonna be $3.43.

Ah, Noah, where did you come from? And why do I owe you $3.43? For the toilet flush. Money doesn't grow on trees, man. From now on, when we flush the toilet, we have to reimburse the house. Look, Noah, if you're trying to save money, why don't you just switch to Mint Mobile? What's Mint Mobile?

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You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all your existing contacts. And if you're not 100% satisfied, Mint Mobile has you covered with their 7-day money back guarantee. Wow, that does sound good. It is. To be clear, after Mint became a sponsor, I literally made the switch. And I've

saved hundreds of dollars a month and gotten the exact same service. I does sound good. Well, how do I sign up? Well, to get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash gam. That's mintmobile.com slash gam. Cut your wireless build a 15 bucks a month at mint mobile dot com slash Gam awesome I'm in but wait if you haven't track any of your my toilet flushes Noah. How much do I owe the house? I slightly over 35,000 dollars. No, I meant for today but that is today. Oh

And we're back for more of this shit We're gonna open up on a title card that says four weeks later So the first thing in my notes is illegal to abort in Georgia by now, I think. Holy detectable heartbeat on that match head. I love that they put this in because they weren't sure when morning sickness starts. Pregnancy time later. just like, um, pregnancy time later. I believe it's 40 days and 49 seconds.

It's the time. And yeah, and we rejoined them on the fucking play rehearsal. We're like, it's been four weeks. You guys still still going on. Doing a Stanislauski three year long production. Russia somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do an Estana Slavski three year long production. Yeah. I said Russia somewhere. It's just a f-skate. I think it's.

I love. There's this great moment too. We're like, Emma's feeling a little sick and her friend Stacy turns to her and says, Emma, it's morning and you have sickness. And the music literally goes bum bum bum. The cellos kick in and they're in and you're not joking either.

That's exactly how it goes down. Because, you know, I was thinking to myself every time I see my girlfriend not feeling well in the morning, I know what's up, right? There's only one reason, oh no, you were drinking, oh drunk, okay, you know that. Oh, drunk. Okay, no, that also that also will do it. That's very like, Hey, Boone's farm is my first thought, but here it's here. It is not. And I love the four weeks later, because first of all,

I think the first 45 minutes of this movie could have been an email. If you know what I mean, right? Oh my God. There's, look at, there's nothing, which amazing is same with the second 45 minutes, right? Everything that happens in this movie is gonna happen in the last 25 minutes. Yeah. So okay, she's worried that she's pregnant. So she goes home to ominous cello music.

She's rooting around her mom's bathroom for a pregnancy trust. You know that horror's gonna have one somewhere. I'm surprised that it'll have a fucking Sam's Club multi pack thing that she went to or whatever. Spencer in the wall. Yeah. I actually have a pregnancy test to Spencer in my house.

And so I feel I feel that. I feel that. In fact, we don't call them pregnancy scares in my house. We call them abortion scares because you know, liberal Satanists. Well, you know, you get once you get the punch card, you know, it's just it makes more sense. It's cheap. Tenth one free. So anyway. So yeah, so she takes the pregnancy test and like every goddamn movie where there's a pregnancy test afterwards, somebody's staring at a pregnancy test afterwards. She's completely ignoring the fact that she's peed on that like in real life, she would have peed on that thing.

She's just touching all the sides of it, shaking her, dipping it into her coffee, stirring it. Yeah. Yeah. And I love how they call it a test strip, which is the 1940s language for a pregnancy test because they used to have a little strip of paper. And so now they just keep using that old, the whole, the whole, the test strip came back. Like, and she's also got that belt to hold her maxi pads on, which is not pregnant.

The test strip came back positive for pregnancy and the water has lednet. So, you've got a hell of a week. Are you there? God, it's me, Emma. You know, Yeah, so she's talking to her friends. She's like, yeah, I'm pregnant. And she's like, oh, I guess you're probably want to take care of that.

And she's like, well, I feel like I owe Ethan something because you know, it's his sperm. And he didn't give me permission to make anything out of it. So make any figure out of it. I should apologize to Ethan for out of it. So make anything out of it. I should apologize to Ethan for being so fertile. Yeah, I'll do that. Yeah, yeah, I said, but there's this moment where she basically just turns to the screen

stairs directly at the camera and says, boy, sex, shirthouse complicated by otherwise happy teenage life. Hey, hey, Jesus. Yeah, and you're going to go, because I think my favorite quote, the best is at the end, when she says, where do I go from here? Oh, yeah. And then she says, and I'm not joking.

She goes, it was math and teddy bears. What was that? So why? See, when she said, where do I go from here? I wrote my notes, Planned Bear and Hood Girl. She's like, it was math and teddy bears. No, I'm sorry, did you miss health class?

It was the fucking part. That's the problem. Does she think math and teddy bears get you pregnant? Because I'm really interesting. Is she pregonant? Is she prego-art? All right, so Emma gets home and mom's sitting there with her pregnancy test on the table.

Like she just found her weed or something, right? She's mom's just sitting there stamping her foot. Mom very clearly gets the action cue to late because we watch this actress stare hatefully into the middle distance for four straight minutes. But she waits for her turn to say her line. That's it's your line though. It's you. minutes, but she waits for her turn to say her lie. But it's your it's your line though. It's you. It's you. And they didn't even show her like fishing in out of the garbage or how as a teenage girl, do you not know how the fuck did dispose of a pregnancy test? Where did you grow up? Who are your friends? Your friend clearly is

well versed on morning sickness. Did she not give you a hint on how to dispose of your pregnancy test strip before your or mom finds it? Right. Seriously. Very that shit makes the Joe Pesci. All right. So her mom's like, what happened? She's like, we only had sex once and it's ruined everything my entire child. She's like, yeah, sex will do that. Don't worry, we're gonna take you to the doctor, make sure you're really pregnant and then we'll murder your baby, huh? Hey, hey, hey, uh, murder. You're gonna go murder the baby.

And but again, she wants to tell Ethan first and the mom's like, in case he needs to grow a baby inside his body on her ship, why are you telling? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I know that y'all have watched so many of these. This is my first time. And I know that the first time can have major consequences. But I'm listening to the mom here.

And I'm like, this is rational and reasonable. And she's actually the bad guy. And I'm, it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it belowing my mind. Is that a common theme throughout these things where, where I'm sitting there like, yeah, just what mom said, but she's supposed to be the villain We have watched so many ACLU lawyers steeple their fingers in our 285 episodes. It's amazing how much they don't know There is a bad guy in their movies. I'm worried for us no illusions

I feel like by the time we have a new guest on episode 500, person's gonna be like, so we're gonna be like, Peter Frampton, the hip and the hop and the Lord Jesus, Matthew 16. We just entirely have lost touch with reality. So. All right, so we go back to the tracks, where Emma and Ethan have their rape prevention meet cute

Be careful Remember remember a guy almost raped you I gave him a nookie and and told him to get out of here scamp You remember when I did that to your almost rapist don't worry. We'll see him again He'll almost rape Stacy, but then we'll never worry about him again. And they could have thrown a train in, you know, just for fun, these, you know, footloose style, anything. So, yeah, so she tells him that she's pregnant in a very roundabout way.

Yeah, she does not. She does not tell him that she's pregnant. She's like, well, you'd risk leg spread penis for a sick in the mornings. No bleeding. Bye. Everything else in this script is so left turn and direct. Like, I want coffee, math. I hate math, but you can't say I'm pregnant. Right. You're right. It's like an I love Lucy episode from the 40. The pregnant conveyor belt going by too fast for us. And when she says I'm pregnant, by the way, the camera, again, the best worse, pans over to him for him to do his realization acting, but he doesn't have it.

He can't do that. No. So the camera's just like, you,, you gonna act? No, all right. I'll pay back to Emma. We'll do a blackout and black back in. Well, he goes and then he's just an extra in this film. Really? So okay. So but now he's got to go back and tell his mom and dad about the thing. And I love the way this opens this shows you how little the writers paying attention to his own script. He's like, mom and dad, I need to talk to you. And they're like, isn't it about your girlfriend? We've noticed she hasn't been around lately.

I'm like, it's been four weeks. They've been broken up for like a month and a half now. Oh, by the way, the music here as he walks in is Ethan committed murder, puppy murder. He goes, yeah, he gets his mom and his dad together. He goes, mom, dad, I had sex with a lady and everything is terrible in my whole life. And they're like, yeah, that's what happens when you have sex with a lady.

Yeah. I like when he says I slept with her and mom goes, ha! Yes. Yes. But that speaks volumes about how good dad is in the sack, right? Exactly. Uh, with my penis.

I'm sure I don't get the question. Um, okay. But we all have to admit that if this confession scene had ended with the parents being like, so this is our favorite movie right? It doesn't switch room in the parents You had consent okay Do you need money for the abortion? You're probably doing that thing with your face. What's going on with your face man?

You'll get better at it as you go That helps and by the way the very first thing he says after having slept with a girl and gotten her pregnant is to turn to his father and go, I'm so sorry about your reputation. Yep. She says yes. Yeah, teen pregnancy sure is hard on the boy's father. What the fuck? Oh, yeah. But then. boy's father. What the fuck? Oh yeah, but then.

But then we adjourned to the back porch for what we then find out is the first fucking thought that his parents have about him getting a girl pregnant. The first thing that pops into their head, what is it? Yeah, it's to tell the horror story of their abortion. Okay, but wait, the way they set it up, they go, we had another baby and I was like, oh my God, please be Emma, please be Emma, please be Emma. Because that's the fucking billionaire remake right there.

I just love, so he walks out and they're like, we have to tell him. So, when it ends up happening, the physical thing. No, you don't. I'm sorry, but no, you don't have to tell him this story. No, there's no reason. It should be like, oh, you remember that? Oh, yeah, I do remember that. That's when you should tell that story.

Anyway, but the physical like Movie making thing that happens is we wrap up the mom and dad and Ethan have a heart to heart scene and then dad calls Ethan out on the Port show him mom and Ethan can have a heart to heart scene Where they explain that mom and dad once had sex too And I love this like oh son. We know you have a problem, but let me tell you about me. Yeah. Also, great little call back here. He says, well, you know, son, your mom got pregnant once before we were married and

he says, what? How? Really wanted the little brother to step in. Okay, I've heard this twice now. I'm gonna walk you guys through this diagram. Let me tell you there's nothing I don't have an atom. So yeah, so they tell Ethan that they murdered his baby, or his older brother, apparently.

Mm hmm. And I wrote in my notes as a joke, come on ghost baby. Tell me you got haunted by a ghost fetus, except that's literally what mom says. Well, yeah, I love this part because you were like, oh, wait, there's a fetus ghost. And then after you take that note, she says, we had to move because the house was haunted. Yes. Well, here's the

thing. We find out eventually that she doesn't mean that literally. She just meant that they had such bad memories in the house they were living in, right? But in the moment, you're not willing to rule out ghost fetus is a plot point in this movie, given what you know of it so far. Oh, again, such a better remake is Amityville horror, but it's a fetus. So I can't do all the chairs. It's just like nudging one glass towards the edge. I'm a ghost. All right.

Mother fucker posted away. He just picks a scab off in the mirror or something. Yeah. So, and then the story goes on, by the way, dad goes after the abortion. I fucked a lot of women really ran around on your mom. I'll spare you the details. It's like, well, yeah, she's sitting right there. You asked, so.

But remind me to tell you about Sydney sometimes. Yeah, I love the first week. Your dad doesn't spare him the detail. It's like I got messed up with jazz and liquor. Oh. the detail. It's like I got messed up with jazz and liquor. Instead of hanging out with those loose swimming. Dwight could put his ankles behind his head and he had the mouth like a hoover. Your mom went to church and we got back together.

I'd be so funny to make this movie the way we wanted to make it and just not tell anybody what it's about. Like just not explain what's even happening. I just got fantastic. I thought a lot about making movies that are Christian and act one. All right. So, and then so the mom starts talking about how like after the abortion she found God in that cell, everything. And she says, this is the actual quote, she says, and the pastor said something and I felt something inside me released like a giant seat belt. And what's

amazing is they're not going for and thanks to that religious message, I was less safe. But that's where they wound up anyway. So yeah, less safe, less safe. And by the way, metaphor class, really, can we? It was like I took off my seat belt as I was driving down the road. No, no, that's great. Never mind, that's bad. I just, I heard it. And let's acknowledge here how fucked up this worldview is, right? They believe that they murdered a child. They didn't, but they believe they murdered a child.

But because she went to Juan, the church service and the pastor believe they murdered a child, but because she went to one church service and the pastor was like, a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, fine, they murdered a child. Right. I do not want to exist in a world where people were like, Oh, don't worry about it. I did a thing on Thursday night. And now I am totally fine for having murdered someone. Yeah. And then why not use a car seat metaphor? All right. So so now we get Emma at the dock telling her that she is in fact pregnant.

And in the mom's like, I knew it. Otherwise, what the hell would this movie even be about? And this doctor, by the way, is not great at picking up hands. He's like, I'd like to get you on some vitamins. And of course, here's a book of baby names. I couldn't help myself. Here's a collection of ones.

He's like the mad hatter. Oh, this is so fun. You know? He's like, he kind of looks like a turni general bill bar, by the way, which freaks me out. Oh, wow. And so the mom says, like, don't worry about, we don't need neonatal vitamins. We're taking care of the pregnancy. And he gets furious, right?

He's like, well, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,. And it's like, yeah, you don't have to. It's like, there's almost certainly only one place in our entire god damn state that does it anyway. Really good to know that you're a bad doctor, though. Thanks for that. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And if we don't know where it is, Stacy, who knows about the morning sickness, can certainly

tell us. Well, for sure. He's got a speed dial yet. All right. So we go to the abortion clinic, and here's another one that I only noticed this for the first time myself in this movie. But it occurred to me that every abortion clinic we've ever seen in a Christian movie is always shot through like a matrixy green filter, like a seconding green filter. And we open up on the

abortion doctor learning from his assistant, how much dead baby the dead baby customers want this month They might as well be talking about market prices for it like it's lobster Well, it's the old DNC procedure Dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut d Uh-huh, hi five, killing babies. And first of all, this abortion doctor looks like the Reverend Jim from Taxi. He's an unpaid, he hasn't bathed in who knows how long. I mean, it's just the depiction, and I kind of noticed that green filter too after you brought it up, my God. A.G.

First, when the A.D.S. references now a taxi reference, a good 30% of our audience loves you, A.G. The people have spoken. Oh, well, you know, we also got a, I love Lucy reference, a good 30% of our audience loves U.A.G. The people have spoken. Oh, well, you know, we also got a, I love Lucy reference. So we're just kind of getting all of the decades in it. Get so many. So you got to make a TikTok reference by the end of this test. So otherwise we'll miss the singles,

then he'll listen to our show. I'll do my best. All right. So they, so that we get the doctor going like, all right, well, let's sure hope we can give her the hard sell and meet our abortion quota And then they go in to see Emma and They're like, okay, so and and and mom of course is like all right. Can you just suck it that I'll hold it out? I'll hold it out. You get it. Get the baby

If you'll just lie on the ground Emma me and my nurse will kick you a whole bunch Get you right out of here. Maybe when we want to hopefully want him, have to use the stairs this time. So, uh, right. But Emma's like, I don't know. I should go ask that guy. I fucked one time who immediately broke up with me for it. And you know that the scene was added later because she,

her hair is rebleached in this scene. So they were like, okay, this, you know, oh, we're looking at, doesn't really make sense. Why did she want to go tell her boyfriend? And they added this shit in there scene. So they were like, okay, this, you know, we're looking at, it doesn't really make sense. Why did she want to go tell her boyfriend? And they added this shit in there later. I guarantee you, because her hair looks wonderful, wonderful in this scene, very freshly bleached. Also, there's this great moment. I know they're trying to do the evil doctor thing where she's like, it's his baby and the doctor's like, it's not a baby, it's a great and a rice, but I mean, yeah, if you want to go ask your fucking Tinder hookup what to do with your body for the next

18 years, go ahead. I'm going to stop. A little bit smaller than a grain of rice. Just also babies are a punishment. I'm a doctor. Yeah. So I love to. So he sends her off with his assistant.

He's like, my assistant's going to go show you some cartoons about how awesome abortion is and I'll talk with your mom She leaves until basically. He's like all right mom. Here's a morning after pill Just put it in some peanut butter and just hide it at the rest of her food. She'll never even know, you know He's here's some literature that'll help it's like a wily coyote blueprint with a big ax on it, you know She's taken up smoking by the time she leaves. You know, it helps the delicate issues in your throat. I don't know if you noticed. I know we've talked about this a million times, especially when we do abortion movies,

but isn't it amazing that they can't imagine the pro-choice argument, right? Because the pro-choice argument is I want you to have-choice argument is, I want you to have a choice. I'm gonna fuck if you want to have a baby. Great, have a baby. Don't have a baby. I want you to have the choice. But because they can't fathom what it's like to want women to have the choice, they only argument they can think of for our side is like, oh abortions.

But I must make an 18th baby souffle today. Otherwise, give me my little boy to fuck. Well, I get one every six months, whether I need it or not, you know, all right. So the head back out of the car, mom is very disappointed in her for not killing her baby today. Sorry, mom.

I just want to think about it. Yeah. And then we get her with her friend, you know, playing up once again, playing up this, you know, I need to ask my boyfriend what he thinks, angle, right? Yeah. So okay. So she goes finally to see Ethan to get his opinion. And he says, like, well, you know, I was thinking maybe, maybe adoption, but hey, hear me

out. What if we got married? And he's like, well, okay, all right, okay. But you know that there's another option. He's like, no, that's murder. She goes, there's another option. And he's like, time travel. Yeah. I thought about it. So fucking stupid. So he chases her out of a restaurant screaming it is a baby I won't condone murder. He's the good guy in the movie. Protagonist everybody.

Protagonist. Alright, and then this is going to turn out to be a pivotal goddamn moment in the fucking movie. She wakes up and she's spotting a little. She notices a little blood on her sheets. Dun dun dun. Believe it or not, this is the turn. But so first they go back to that anti-abortion doctor who assures her that she's fine. It's not a big deal.

And mom is amazing here because he's like, oh, the baby's fine. Don't worry. And mom's like, fuck, fuck. Shit. I just wanted her to be swearing throughout the rest of the scene like they're having a very serious conversation. And she's just in the background being like, mother fuckers, she's kicking the trash can. Wow. Ball for the asshole.

So, yeah. So mom's like, you know, these are the quit fucking around and murder that damn baby all already. Then she texts Ethan, who's just been sitting around all kind of worried about his unborn baby. And he goes to his parents, he's like, mom, dad, we need to get the prayer chain started. No, two prayer chains started. Activate the phone tree. Wonder twins. So fucking stupid. Okay. So Ethan goes to sit outside collect his thoughts and just then the football

coach shows up. Well, what's weird is he says, I gotta go for a drive. And then he ends up somehow sitting in an empty chair in front of a coach's house. Right, because they don't know how to do film while driving. Oh, how amazing would it be if he had just been like miming turning on a car? Can we boom? Boom. Boom. Boom.

What a race. Jack, with the invisible steering wheel running down the sidewalk, I'm like, you know what, that motherfucker impregnated a feminist, I bet. I like the fact that they show them. Come inside. Let's see. I'm like, I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you.

I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm not going to be a fan of you. I'm like, you know what, that motherfucker and pregnant and a feminist, I bet. Yeah. I like the fact that they show them. Come inside, let's talk.

They sit down and the first thing that Ethan says is, and that's the whole story. Yeah. Yes. Nice arc. And I, like you said, I coach could tell by his footwork. Yes. Yes. That he got somebody pregnant. And I, Blake, you said I coach could tell by his footwork.

Yes, yes. He got somebody pregnant. So, and then he's like, well, you know, I actually know that your parents murdered their pre-baby. Yeah, and I love that coach knows about Ethan's parents' abortion. Though she did tell that story pretty easily. She probably just tells people at cocktail parties. Yeah, right.

Unprompted. All the time. Like, tell some of the fucking abortion again. Yeah, like you're scarf. Yo, let me tell, right. Unprompted. All the time. Like tell some fucking abortion again. Yeah, like your scarf. Yo, let me tell you about this one time I have before. Like, they have shrimp cocktail here. That reminds me. Hi, I'm gonna go to the board stream.

They're shaped here. Yeah, that works. Well, I love there's this moment too, where the coach is like, well, you know, God is punishing you for all the fucking enjoy and everything. He's just put but keep in mind that whatever decision Emma makes, your life will be affected forever. And I'm like, unless she has an abortion, right? And this movie does such a bad job of trying to pitch this. They're like, look, if she has an abortion, you'll always know she murdered your baby.

So you know, thought crimes, But wait, hear me out. If she doesn't have an abortion, all the terrible things that come from having a child as a teenager. Yeah, I love that, you know, you'll always remember that she murdered your baby. It's like, well, now I will, thanks God. Yeah, right. If you pretend that murder happened,

you will be upset about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then just to make their movie out of that much less convincing, he says, now you know that if you married Emma, you would almost certainly lose your football scholarship to college, that is your chief means of obtaining a better future for yourself. He's like, yep. What an inspirational coach, you know?

Just, he is the epitome of the football, high school football, high school teen movie football coach. Hey, your life is fucked no matter what here, bro. Have a nice day. I really wanted him to go down all the alternatives. Now maybe you're thinking, what if I'm murder her, right? Scott Peterson's time, right? Yeah, I'll tell you what'll happen. You got to get a sharp chain saw. A lot of

people think, oh, chain saw can cut through a tree, but that's flesh. Flesh will get all cut up in the chain. It's meant for trees. And I say earlier in the script, you pondered a time machine. Well, let me tell you, get one right off of eBay. That's when you meet your dog side self from the back dimension. You'll just it'll be you, but with a go team, but you're 30 so you can grow one. Your mom doesn't know who to shoot. So then so I and I love this moment. So the he's talking to the coach for a while and then the mom pops in. We have this insane goddamn scene where the mom's like, hey, I don't worry. Everything's taken care of. I talked to your aunt Teresa and

her prayer chain is going as well and those motherfuckers can pray. mother fuckers can pray. Speaking of which, it turns out that there's a guy speaking at her church who is an anti-abortion lawyer. Hey guys, what's a good name for our anti-abortion lawyer that'll make him seem really human and relatable. Dolan Force. Force it, the third. Yeah, right, right right

It's like when did you just get pulled over and have to make something You want to have a diet slave owner the 17 Basque and Robbins Peter ran Renslaus Skyler the third And I I fucking love when Christians have to make up smart people stuff. There's nothing better. There's like, he's the king of Harvard. He killed everyone at Yale. And he's the founder of dictionary. It's the, he had the highest conviction rate of he was, he was the MVP. He had a really high lawyer batting average average,

lawyer, he did lots of lawyers. So we get him, so they do this ridiculous introduction for him. And then he starts giving his little talk. And he's like, you know, I guess the question I'm most off announced is, why do you love unborn babies more than money? Well, let me tell ya, right? Oh, okay, question. Do you guys think he just nailed this audition

because this guy cannot fucking act? But he is set up in this movie like they got a good actor. Yeah, right? We've seen enough of these that like, oh, fuck that guy from cheers. They got him. Right. He's gonna play this lawyer. But it's like someone's dad who donated the most kickstarter. Like if I went back and saw that their top kickstarter patron was like, you have to be the fancy Jesus lawyer. I'd be like, Oh, okay. That makes it. Oh, my God. You know what? I think that you actually may have hidden, like this was the part that like they had a lesser Baldwin

to play, but then they got a fight or something and they had it. Because that actually, that actually tracks what these are made. And I have to say, when I watch this speech, when you talk about Christians and Republicans having to write left-wing characters, when he says that he gave up, as you mentioned, a lucrative career in public service to love

fetuses, first of all, there's no such thing as a lucrative career in public service. No, not if you're an honest person. Like, you never hear anyone say, why did I give up all that lucrative public service career for make a church God money? Exactly. You know all these Harvard grads given up that sweet government money to live a life of poverty,

lobbying for pro life super past. It happens every day. Yeah, exactly. And then of course they're gonna introduce this. This will come up about 31 more times before this movie is over He points out that those damn liberals care more about animals than unborn babies That's true. That's why liberals are constantly like harassing people outside of McDonald's McDonald's get bombed or the mass shooting that happened inside a burger king earlier this year

I mean, we got to own that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Well, I got my sorrows check. Well, the post offices haven't troubles. I'm still waiting on them, but yeah. Yeah. So now we're going to Ethan is going to meet with this lawyer though, so that they can get together and figure out how they can sue to take control of Emma's Oregon. This conversation might as well go, hey Mr. Dolan, is this movie stupid?

And he's like, oh, super stupid. Super fucking stupid. And I'm no lawyer, but he said something about, we're not gonna do a civil suit. We're gonna do a criminal suit. We're a suher in a civil suit. No, that's not Not a thing. It's not We're gonna sue her criminally That's what they did in this film. It's amazing. The whole court structure is like on fucking Mars

Oh, it's so good. Yeah, because apparently they're gonna charge her with fucking taking out a contract to murder her fetus, right? Like attempted murder or something, but in a civil justice trial. Yeah, what? And amazingly, I think they didn't have to put this in the movie, he goes, hey, if this worked,

what someone already have done this on our side, he's like, Oh, good, good question. Don't worry. Just now science proved that fetuses are people. So we're, we're gonna nail this one. And I have a brand new argument about homicide of pregnant ladies, being called a know the homicide. No one's ever tried that. No. Yeah. So he explains, he's like, yeah, so we're going to file a restraining order so that Emma won't be allowed within a hundred yards of her. Okay, I heard it.

I heard it as I was saying. I'm saying. But don't worry. He says medical science has advanced to the point that many think life begins at conception Advanced, huh? Okay In our criminal civil suit restraining order restraining law suit

And then in this fantastic moment of almost self-awareness then in this fantastic moment of almost self-awareness, Ethan's like, Hey, do you think M will be mad at me for literally trying to enslave her uterus and forcer to give birth? And the lawyers like, um, don't let her kill your baby. And he's like, yeah, who's not don't like the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I only have two bachelor's degrees, but I think that this might upset my high school girlfriend. Okay. All right, well, dude, it took it's fucking time, but it looks like we finally made it to the plot of this thing. So we're gonna take a well-learn break,

but first, let me ask you the hard sell. Is the Supreme Court really Supreme? Objection just means not all right? What does that little hammer do anyway? Write out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the phenomenally uninformed conclusion of. The Order of Rights. Pfft.

Mom? Dad? Can I talk to you for a second? Yes, honey, of course. It's just last night, I went over to Emily's and well, I touched the floor. Son, you know the floor is lava! I know, Dad, I do.

They didn't have the lava railings that we have, and she kept saying, it's fine, the floor isn't really lava, and so I walked on the floor, Dad. Oh, Timmy, how could you? I know, I know, I'm sorry, bomb. Like now my legs are burned off, right? Yes, son, I'm afraid they are. They might not look like they are, but they burned off from the lava.

I know. But son, there is something we need to tell you. Yeah, Mom, when we were younger, your mother and I, that is, well, we also stepped on the floor and our legs burned off once. They did? Yes, we were young and foolish

and our legs got burned off by lava. But if your legs got burned off by the lava that's on the floor, then how can you walk? Well, son, you see me and your father both asked the invisible lava man in the sky to magic our legs back onto our bodies. And then we went to the invisible lava building and got a circle, circle dot, dot, and our legs screw back. Wow, I never knew. Now what say we go sue Emily

for burning off your legs, huh? That sounds great, Dad. That sounds great. This is what this movie is about. It is, that is exactly what the movie is about, yeah. And we're back, we're still more of this shit. We're gonna open up on Emma's mom getting served with the, you know, we're suing for your daughter's uterus papers.

The criminal civil complaint. Yes. Service of restraining order. Really wanted it to flash cut over to their lawyer, Andrew Torres, just laughing his ass off. Who the fuck wrote this? Oh my god. Andrew Torres just laughing his ass off. Who the fuck wrote this? Oh my god. They paid someone to write this, didn't they? I'm gonna tweet this.

Here it's again. Was it Sydney Powell? Yeah. And the mom is rightfully fierce. Then at this point, I'm like, okay, if this becomes like a revenge movie where Emma's mom goes and kills Ethan's family, one member at a time, or kill Bill style, I like it, right? I'm absolutely, yeah.

But instead, this is where we get the goddamn mirror match from Mortal Kombat. Right? Where the two, I just wrote my notes, Karen fight, where the two blonde just wrote my notes Karen fight where the two blonde moms meet in the grocery store. Oh my god, they wrote this so clumsily. So evil liberal mom blocks nice moms grocery cart with her cart. But not before we see a flash of a single dad with his kids lovingly shopping for see. Yeah, yeah, right. He's got like seven kids following him like a skitter.

Some damn shit. Yes. But she pulls her card out in front. And then there's this off. They don't know how to write it. So it's like, excuse me, I need to get by you. Oh, do you? Yes.

Or do you? Yes. Oh, I guess it's very inconvenient when you want to do something and then there's a paper that is served. Shit. See, you squeeze. Groceries. My daughter's abortion is this cheese and you're the cheese monk.

No, no one's the cheese monk or scapegoat. No wait, is there a seat belt? Is there a seat belt? And I'm good with there seat belts. And I love the the the Eve's dropper who is blazamanelli for some reason, shopping for cheese. Yes. And then it's mizstein, of course, because you know, we have to throw in the feminist miz. Yes, exactly. Exactly. She's like, Mrs. Stein, no, no, no, I want to be upset about this right now, even though you're trying to super custody of my child's eunuch.

Which what blows me away is that the whole time in this fucking movie she's holding this little glass jar of like garlic or something. The fact that she doesn't smash it over Ethan's mom's head at any point, this is me off so bad. Yeah, yeah, it does. And then they slip the evil liberal associated press in there. Oh yeah, she's like, I'll go talk to my friends with the fake news Jewish media and they'll take you down.

And then, and then good mom does a countermodel log, right? Because Miz does like a year, a few people and and I'm gonna sick the Jew media on you. And then the other mom's like, it's my turn to do a monologue. It's my turn to do a monologue. Chases are out to the parking lot. I really wanted it to continue, right? Like then liberal mom chases her back to her car

and does a different, just the last 30 minutes of the movie or just the monologue in back and forth. The driving side by side fighting it every red light or something. Yeah, exactly. And what I love so much about this is that like as bad as Emma's mom's lines were, right, where she's going like, but this grocery cart is like you blocking my daughter's way to the abortion clinic, whatever as bad as all that is, it's even worse when they have to present their own position.

Mm-hmm. Right, because Ethan's mom is just stumbling around spewing idiot nonsense words. None of it makes sense. She says, baby, a bunch of times, the cheese was the baby in the cart. No one's the monger, dammit. Some baby monger dammit. So, baby monger. So, now Emma and her mom check in with their lawyer and he's like, this is going to be a tough case because I am a terrible lawyer. I was like, all right, well, we're going to need a media strategy first and foremost.

I'm like, I feel like you need a legal strategy first body. He ends the meeting by going, if they win, this could push women's rights back 100 years. And the movie wants you to be like, Oh, gee, wouldn't that be great? Yeah, finally. All right. Oh, and then we get real life. Nobody is Steve De life nobody Steve Deese Let's get a severance the plot for us on his real life YouTube channel. I was gonna ask her these real conservative talk radio hosts By the way, yes they are You might remember Steve Deese for calling for Donald Trump to hang and Tifa members in the square.

Yeah, I don't think I remember anything Steve Deese did. But I liked the nice throwback to there being no there there. Way to slip in a Russia hoax joke. Because that's why I was wondering if that's why you all wanted me on this episode. He's sitting there. I love he's doing his cameo in a movie. He's got his goddamn books front and center like you can buy my books by the way if you want if you like my part in

this movie. Jesus, we have the stock footage of abortion protests here as the conservative media says the entire world is, you know, up in arms about this new case of whether or not you're allowed to own another human being as property that's playing out in this courtroom for some reason. Yeah, a local courtroom. Yes. But with a jury, but it's a restraining order hearing, I am so confused. What would the jury do?

We find her guilty of being pregnant, not loving her babies. Oh, and then we get the moment where like, Ethan and Emma see each other in the halls of the school. And it's just supposed to be like, oh, sure is awkward for them instead of like, she rips his balls off and shoves him down as fucking throat. It's always awkward when you run into the person who's trying to enslave you into child birth. Am I right?

When I'm at my band or as a G would put it, this is like when skaters said that he and Topanga had sex. I don't remember the main characters name. I just remember that he said he fucked a pang and she was mad. Alright, so now they say, okay, so they're like, our opening arguments begin today because they think that's a thing or they're just a fan of the podcast who don't know. But we open on the bad guy, Lord, it's so weird because in their mind, he's the good guy lawyer, but I cannot call him the good guy lawyer. So the evil terrible person suing to reinstate ownership of women starts

off his case by stroking off to the sanctity of America's founding documents. By which he means the declaration of independence. Right. That's a memo, dude. That's not like a, and he also, he brings up this god damn, the Mike Pompeo blew his load at this part in the movie where he starts talking about the order of those race. They do the title drop. And it's like, it's all about the order of those rights. No, yeah, apparently never took a peep

at the Federalist papers that said, the order is irrelevant. Exactly, yes. Why said the order is irrelevant. Exactly. Yes. Why would the order matter? Because they're trying to make the argument that if you have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, if life comes before liberty, then abortion should be illegal even if you have, even if your liberty would be impinged upon by being forced to give birth.

Right. That's the central argument of the move. Right, you can't have the pursuit of happiness without liberty and you can't have liberty without life. Exactly. Yeah. Just Thomas Jefferson sitting around going, wait, guys, guys, can dead people be happy?

This is important. I want to do this right. Cause I think I have this in the wrong order. We got a crawl before we can walk, got a walk before we can fly, am I right? I told you we should put drivers licenses at the beginning. I looked at the protagonist lawyer, the good guy lawyer who's the bad guy lawyer in this movie's opinion. His opening argument basically just stands up and he goes, this is a fucking, even in this, even in their own movie, this is just a stupid

bullshit publicity stunt, right? Yeah. And the jury is like, mmm, bullshit publicity. Bullshit movie is stupid. Yeah. And beyond the fact that the case would never have gotten this far, I don't know, is this even the federal court or is it like, I can't even figure it out, that there's a jury, then he points at the jury.

I still don't see the jury. Then I see the jury. And then, forset, they're a good guy, objects. And that one is sustained, even though forset had the same objection that was overruled a minute ago. And the second objection doesn't even have cause. No. And then our lawyer withdraws, I can't.

I just can't. I just can't. So. I love the opening argument and then we get some like random news clips over the top of the montage going like, well, it's a very interesting plot for a movie. It's kind of riveting. If you look about it. And then the evil lawyer calls Ethan as his first witness, right? And he's like, have you ejaculated in anyone in this courtroom in the last nine months? He's like, yeah, I said that girl right over there.

He's like, okay, all right. So first and this is very important. Blink twice if you've been kidnapped and forced to give this testimony against your will, right? By me. Right. Like the movie dies into a 90 second explanation of how these two characters met that we've already seen.

They're not real. They're not real. The badgering is own witness. So yeah, and then the good guy lawyer, the lawyer that believes that women should not be property comes up for his cross examination, right? And he's like, so the fetus and the eithensis, the baby. I'm like, no, motherfucker, your dumb ass argument is that those two words mean the same goddamn thing. You don't get to hide from it. You're saying fetus and baby are the same goddamn word.

Right. So yeah. It's prejudicial for the jury that we actually haven't laid eyes on yet. Yeah, exactly. Don't correct me with your argument. Mr. Johnson, on the night of the 34th, you mean when I was innocently sitting there? No, you don't get to do that.

So, I'm leading myself, you're on her. So, objection to me withdrawn, stained, happy birthday. So objection to me withdrawn, sustained. Happy birthday. I love that the her lawyer, Emma's lawyer says to him at one point is like, did you just do this to create media attention? I'm like, why is that? Why is your angle not, are you Emma?

I feel like that's the only question. It matters here. It sure fucking is. But again, let's just keep in mind the movie maker's perspective, the people who made an entire movie about their argument, they got lights, they got cameras, they paid these actors and, you know, fucking Biscotti or whatever Christian movie actors can pay them about their argument. And they're like, but we're not in this for the attention. We're really. All right. So now they're going to try out this anti abortion doctor to talk up the horrors of abortion. He's like, uh, you're a doctor. Our fetus is human beings. He's like, yep,

full grown human beings. They, uh, yep, full grown human beings. They, they even have favorite sports teams, favorite sports teams. Huh? He goes, can a fetus be a pain? He says, yes, it responds to stimuli. Hmm. That, they all objects do that, man. To be an out to qualify as object, you must respond to stimuli.

Wait, where's the nerdy science son to explain Newton's second theory? I don't just do that. I don't know if you guys, you know what an atom is, guys? That's how I learned that Newton's third law is a baby. The fetus at rest stays at rest unless active upon by a non-zero net penis. But more than his arguments, I would like to talk about these doctors, eyebrows on fleek. I could not focus on anything because of his eyebrows. At the end, they're baffling.

They're like, they're baffling. You, it seems like something that Mario would have to jump on to get to the next level. Yeah. It's like some, he was have to jump on to get to the next level. Yeah. It's like some he was wearing a groucho nose, you know, glasses set and as a prank someone super gluted to his face And this is how far the surgeon has gotten For the corrections I know I want like a sex lives and video tape mashup. And again, just to show how terrible their argument is,

he concludes by going, a doctor, when does life begin? And the doctor answers, let me answer your question about DNA. DNA is a circle at conceptions. All right, then we get the cross examination, of course, because this movie is trying to make its own point and is aware that it's trying to make its own point, they have the pro-choice lawyer center's entire argument around the question of viability, right? That's the only argument this guy ever makes.

Well, could the fetus survive outside of the womb? No, well, then we win, right? If it was anything else, obviously we would lose, but it's gonna hang my entire argument on that. Yeah, and then I love how force that just redirects without asking any fucking permission. You just get stuff and stuff and ask your questions. It's my turn.

I go again. I go. I go. And by the way, hey, credit to this movie because like that viability trap is a dumb argument that you can think your way out of in 45 seconds, but I'll tell you the way not to think your way out of it is disabled people are in fact humans and three year olds cannot survive on their own. They think viability means like now if you were dropped to feed us into a forest.

Paying bills. Paying the mortgage. Can we define, we take a moment to define viability real quick. It doesn't mean getting your GED. You have to train school. Diabetics are dependent. You want to let abortion not your skills. Them is that actually your point, man?

Is that the point you're literally hearing them? What if they want healthcare? Shut up. Don't use my. We'll get to the postnatal abortions later. Yeah. In the trial. Oh, God. And so then we have another like the media sure is interested in this case montage where

we they try out Al Vita King. Oh, yeah, Denise or whatever of Martin Luther King that is an anti abortion activist, where she explains that abortion is the real civil rights issues. And her whole argument is that it is bad for the black community. And the viewer will recall that neither Emma nor Ethan are black. No, no, that's it's her. No, but we've seen Oviro King in a couple of movies now and her specialty seems to be just taking quotes from her uncle about children and pretending they were about fetuses.

Yes, exactly, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. The old retroactive Martin Luther King Jr. child fetus trick. I've seen it. Yeah. And so, but the reason they do this is because they're trying to get the liberals, like beat the liberals at their own game and say, see, there are the racist ones.

Abortion is anti black people, right? And even though that doesn't, isn't supported by anything we've been talking about in this movie up to this point, they still try out that argument because, you know, it's just a knee jerk thing for them. Well, I was killing the whites. So maybe that's better. Then we can probably cut that out. If you think we need to. Oh no. Oh no, you're, you're in good place. Yeah. So in that unless you serve you with some kind of court order, civil criminal trial, well, I was going to do a civil criminal restraining order trial. Okay. Go the federal in federal local,

the federal court municipal level. Yeah. Andrew has to fight himself like liar liar. interest to fight himself like liar liar is. Yeah, I object. Why? Because it's devastating to my case. All right. So we get Emma and mom having breakfast at some restaurant where Emma's sure wishes she could be owned as property by a man. Now that she thinks about it is. Oh, this is so good because they can't imagine why someone would get an abortion. So they're trying to have these actors working out in real time for the dialogue. Yeah. Well, and of course Emma's mad because her lawyer sure was mean to Ethan and she was

kind of hoping to still patch things up with him after he was done showing for ownership of her body. Yeah. And then the movie gives us a twist, right? done shewing for ownership of her body. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then the movie goes as a twist, right? We got over to Ethan and his lawyer. This is where we learn that the court is going to force Emma to testify. You know how courts will do that to you.

Your honor, I would like Emma's fetus to testify so you can't murder her because I call him at the age of 17. Oh God. So we now here's the really terrifying part of this movie, right? This is the world these people actually want to live in. Right. This is their movie. What we're watching is at least, you know, she's 30 years old, but what we're supposed to be watching is a teenage girl being drug up before a full courtroom

that's getting national media attention and being forced to justify her choice to have an abortion to a judge and a lawyer. Yep, that's the world they want to live in. Mm-hmm. And then they force this actress to say, oh, well, you know, I was very hormonal at the time. Like, women are just confused with the way they

make their own choices. I, what is he, this is actually like, I can't make any decisions, I got my own choices. You want me to say what? Oh, I was just peeing messing when I wanted an abortion. Ladies, you get it, right? You get on the rag, you grab a pumpkin spice latte,

you kill your baby. We've all been there. Thank God for men. I wouldn't have been able to comport my scatter brain long enough to make the right choice. Also, I love all of the random single teenage boys in the gallery. Yeah. We want to play some PlayStation. No, I'm going to go watch this abortion trial. At one point, her lawyer, like, stands up and goes, objection. This is like literally psychological

torture. I believe that Geneva Convention bances and the judges like, all right, all right. I'll allow it, but you're right, you're right. All right. That is, this is not how objections work or how allowing you're not allowing them works, but I'll keep continuing the movie. Or the Geneva Convention applies. I like. So, okay, so we get the cross examination, right?

Where her lawyer just goes up and goes, okay, so we get the cross examination, right? Where her lawyer just goes up and goes, wow, fucked up that anyone in their right mind would even imagine a world where any of this was legal, huh? Woo! Yeah. Yeah. But again, they try and save it by the end.

He's like, okay, Emma, again, this is literally the entire court case. Do you want to have a baby and she's like, yee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e thumbs down. The queen on the floor of the Senate, Chuck Norris at the Dodge ball finals. Oh, and then as her testimony wraps up, we zoom over to Ethan's dad, right? And he goes, wow, this is very hard on me. Oh, man, it's such a bad day. My parking spot is so far from the courthouse. All right, so, yeah, so now it's time for a good guy lawyer or in their world bad guy

lawyer to present his case, which is just a doctor saying true things as opposed to the lawyer face doctor. Yeah. Right. He brings up this doctor and he says, so hey, is the, is the alternative to safe legal abortion no abortion at all? And the doctor's like, nope. And he's like, hmm, weird that we're still talking. It's crazy.

Also, by the way, is a fetus just like a diabetic? Also no, huh? That's the first guy. He's an idiot, yeah? Oh, no? That's the first guy. He's an idiot. Yeah. Oh, no, yeah. I don't know if you noticed, but the college he mentioned was a Pentecostal, not on a credited Pentecostal church in Washington state.

So yeah, it's not really anything. But of course they can't like just let this doctor present pro abortion pro choice arguments that make sense. So she has to also say, no, a fetus is no different than tonsils. Oh, and now it's time for the cross examination where good guy lawyer, right? The anti-choice lawyer is like, all right, Dr. K, I'm holding a fetus behind my back. Or Emma. Emma. Can you prove that I'm wrong with your science books? He says, do you know when a fetus becomes a person and the doctor's like, well, and he's

like, then it's a person. It's a person because I'm the one who's willing to say yes. So I win. I really wanted her to be like, hey, do you know for a perfect fact that your shoes aren't a person? And he's like, Oh my God, Timmy and Jimmy, what have I done? And I love the part where he's like, All right. So are there any doctors anywhere in the world who disagree with you?

Well, let's just not, it's yes or no. Yes. Any doctors anywhere in the world who disagree with you? Well, let's just not, it's yes or no. Yes. And he's like, there are doctors. Aha, there's no one knows anything anywhere in the world. Oh. Ah. You heard it here first, folks. Science doesn't know.

Because isn't it true that there are qualified medical professionals that think I'm right? And I'm like, define qualified. That's the brilliant thing is right. He probably can't say like doctors or OBGYNs because you can lose your license for being like, hi everybody, I'm your OBGYN. You're billiast full of magic. So they have to be like, is there or is there not a dental hygienist? Who does it really mean to you?

Oh my optometrist thinks, ah, I'm pregnant exactly. Cornered. Gotcha. This is also when he says that six-week-old fetuses have faces, so I actually included my six six week ultrasound in the notes. Yeah, I can't even figure out what the baby is on this thing. Jesus fucking face, give me a goddamn break.

Also, okay. So and then they bring up a social worker, right? The pro-choice lawyer brings up a social worker and he's like, hey, so in your professional experience, teen moms that are forced to birth children, do they crush it? They just totally crush it. Why?

Why would they put this in their home? No, no. Did they lose a lawsuit to abortion? And they're like, fine, we'll, we'll put one woman, the only other woman of color in the movie in here to describe the horrible things we're trying to do to young women. What percentage of women do you say that speak to you? Get an abortion. Well, I don't know.

No, you tell me you just ballpark it. Well, I don't have those exact figures. I hate to take it. No, you have to answer my question. No one objects, by the way, to this line of questioning. And then go over to the judge. She doesn't have a desk. Did anyone notice this?

Judges just sitting behind the railing. Yep. You're right. And yeah, so they're basically trying to make us think that liberals want everyone to have abortions so they don't end up drinking and failing out of college. That's pretty much the message here. Right. And this social worker, again, I do not know why they put this in the movie, was like,

look, when you force people to have children, terrible things happen to them. Statistically, personally, there is no way not to see this on an attack on women, to which good guy lawyer responds, I would like that last statement struck from the record. Okay. And the judge says, cool. Yes. Well, that was pretty bad for your case. Yeah. Let's pretend that let's.

Can you unsay that make the way this unsay that? Yeah. Well, so what she says because he's trying to get her with like, you know, they'll, you know, trying to make the social worker so that she can't to handle the truth. But then what she goes on to say is like, look, I've seen a thousand times children in this situation. And when they have abortions, things tend to go way fucking better for them in life

Right, so you asking me if when I see a woman drowning I throw her a life preserver the answer is yes And he says a portion is a life preserver. Can we have that stricken for the record because it's actually obviously a death Preserver and the judges like it is a death preserver. Yes, I mean the death preserver I'm a judge. I didn't get a desk, but I'm a judge Obviously a death preserver and the judges like it is a death preserver. Yes. The death preserver. I'm a judge. I didn't get a desk, but I'm a judge. I'm making it up as I go along. When you just make it up, as you go along, you don't really need a desk.

She actually just has like a ball peen hammer instead of a gal. She broke the first desk. That's what. All right. So the defense rests, right? We're going to getting closing arguments tomorrow so that we can get a few scenes wedged in between now and then we start off with evil lawyer,

the anti-abortion lawyer in his office looking at what I can only assume is a picture of his unaborted daughter. Yes, she made it. I'm so glad I didn't abort her. Or maybe that's just a picture of a woman who's the age is a boarded daughter. What if, but I don't know. Oh, yeah, they come in the frames.

No, you know what it is. Maybe it's the paperwork that he was supposed to deliver to coach somehow got way laid over to the floor. He's framed in the interim. That's all right. So yeah, but then we get the evil Ethan's mom and dad. They're sure worried about that fetus. Oh, and then we see Emma's mom,

she's had her art gallery and now all of the good religious people in town won't even talk to her because of all the abortion stuff. Yeah, and so now here we are in this art gallery. By the way, this is the first time a shot is really well lit in this movie when it shouldn't have been and it shouldn't have been.

Yes. Yeah. So they have lights. and it shouldn't have been. Yes. Yes. So they have lights. Now we know they have lights. Well, they had them at this moment anyway. But yes, Emma comes in to check out the art, you know, because there's the big art showing and wouldn't you know it? It's a bunch of Jesus art and it leaves Emma sitting there thinking, wow, what if Mary

had aborted baby Jesus? It's so bad. What if Mary had aborted baby Jesus? Just imagine someone with no talent being like, but what if the people in medieval paintings had like a Foot hanging out of the painting That's that's the genre that's the just and it just it wreaks of wasted talent right? I don't know who this artist is and I don't know how much they gave on Kickstarter to be included in this movie but like you can kind of see the start of some talent there that a fucking youth pastor was like oh you should draw the same six characters that we drew from you know a thousand years and she was like okay I'll just draw

those ones but can I make a lowercase T at the bottom yeah fuck yeah you can all right I'll make Those ones, but can I make a lower case T at the bottom? Yeah, fuck yeah, you can. All right, I'll make a little mistake. Yeah. All right, so we wrap that up. It's time to convene for closing arguments. Fuck yeah. Now, three quarters of this movie will be

the evil anti-abortion lawyers closing argument and it's insanity, right? He just starts off by going, okay, so the only guys are murderers that want to murder babies with murder. Yeah, but I think he literally says the opposing council will argue that women have rights and science is real. Like I think there's something else

that's very literal about this. The best way that I can describe this is occasionally I watch a very silly person try to engage no illusions in a Facebook fight. If you combined all of their comments, so you admit that you don't have four fingers behind your back because they can't prove that's why they dehumanize. I look forward scientists. He goes at one point he says and they try to distract you from how much of a human being it is by saying words like fetus. Oh, and by the way, fetus means little person.

Does not. No, it doesn't. Why introduce that? I looked the etymology up. It's Latin for full of young. It's equally applicable to pregnant women and eggs. Why would you say this? It's just, it's just wrong. Why bother adding this? Even if you were right, it's not like that would then make it convincing. This part of the movie was so boring and crazy that I just started scrolling through the Instagram

of the main actress and I was like, oh, she got engaged this year and she isn't wearing a mask in any of her photos. I'm also dying to know Emma's lawyer's co-counsel sitting there at the table. Doesn't have a line. The Tuxedo. I'll move it. Yeah. What's your story? Pocket Square Bowtie.

What's he doing in the small town? You know? Okay. Here's what I guarantee. I would bet all the money I have, A.G. that they were like, all right, Steve, you're going to be the co-counsel. So we're a really nice suit. And Steve was like, well, what's the nice is suit? A tuxedo.

So I show up for the day I'm shooting in his tuxedo and they're like, no, due to suit. And he's like, is this suit? It's a tuxedo. Tuxedo isn't suit. So yes, he wraps up with this convoluted order of rights thing and he goes, if it's a baby, it has all the God-given rights rights enumerated in our declaration of independence. And I'm like, you're right. And it doesn't have those rights. What did we just learn? We did. No? Okay. And then of course, bad guy lawyer has to come out to give his closing argument. And it can't be good. So he has to just go via your ability means if you drop me in a forest with nothing but a butterfly knife,

can it get home? And then he closes by saying don't punish this young girl with a baby. Yeah, punish her with a baby, right? Yes. It's like I just want to remind you one last time that viability is the only argument that the pro choice side has at all. Also, the Supreme Court rulings are binding. What are we doing here? He does mention that at the very end. At the very end, he's like, by the way, this case is stupid, this movie is stupid.

So they're going to ask you to decide some shit that we already decided. Have a nice lunch. Yeah, exactly. All right. So yeah, so we get some people sadly sitting at home. And before that scene can even get started, the jury is already back with their decision. So we rushed back to the fucking courtroom. And the jury finds that no Emma is not a murderer. So the civil criminal restraining case order won't happen. They found in favor of the Supreme Court still counting. Yes. Yeah. They were like, all right, precedent in the works in the weird criminal jury civil case. And she's driving home with her mom. And her mom's like, she's like, all right, great. So I got you a 9 a.m. appointment to kill your baby tomorrow.

And she's like, no, I'm gonna keep the baby. And the mom's like, what? It's like, cool, you can fucking do that. Everyone is fine with you keeping the baby. Well, look, let's be fair. There are plenty of mothers out there that if their daughter really wanted to keep the baby, she was pregnant with at 17 or whatever

was she still in high school. There's plenty of moms that would be like, you know, maybe we try to deprogram some of that religious bullshit they put in your head because you're really, really better off getting an abortion here, right? It's not like that's unrealistic, but the way that they've established this mother at

this point, she might as well say, no, it's not about choice. It's about murdering B. I need my blood to keep some food. Okay. And then Emma's defense here, her little monologue about talking her mom into this. She's like, well, I remember when we put checkers to sleep. And I had the fierce feeling of motherhood well up in me. And I'm just like, okay, so it was the sad day

when you put your dog to sleep. And that's how you're coming to your decision. Hey, you know what? That's awesome. That is your dumbass right to choose. But that's the whole point, right? You get to choose. And then also, how did they get this case done before the baby was born?

Right. I'm a year and a half into my divorce life. Well, I don't know if you know this, but civil criminal restraining cases, actually, are very quick. They go very quick. Yeah, very speedy. They moved through the federal municipal state courts very quickly. Yeah. See, that's they didn't have time to order the desk for the judge. And they give away their whole game with that stupid dog argument, right?

They're like, don't you remember when Winston died? His little puppy eyes closing. That's what being a mother is like. And again, I don't want to be the guy who's a parent and is like, you can't understand the love of a child because there's lots of love out there and there's no higher or lower love. But I will say I have had a dog die and I have a hunch that if my son died, I wouldn't be like, yeah, same. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Or you're just like, you know, if I keep this dog, I'm going to start drinking and I'll get into jazz music. But thank God for social worker Morales who talked me out of it.

So I murdered the dog old yellow style, you know. All right. So then we cut to Ethan. He's sadly staring into the middle distance thinking about that dead baby of his, but just then Emma shows up and she's decided that a she won't kill the baby. B, she forgives him for suing her friend to slavery and see she'd like to marry him after all. Okay. But what's great is this move it is so dumbly shot that we just see her standing at the door smiling.

So for a second, I was so hopeful she was just going to be like, haha, fucking got it. She pulls it out with her hand and smashes it with a little like nut cracker. No, I got it in a jar shaking it at him. She squishes it against the window. How do you like them, Apple? Yeah. Yeah. He's the thing is squeaking against the way.

How do you like them, clump us? How do you like them, tonsils, right? And yeah, this just blows my mind. Hey, I still love you, even though you press criminal civil charges against me, really. Oh, they're all made up now. Oh, God, I got to say the idea of her presenting the fetus to him, putting in a little guillotine at the end. That's been, that's more worth a fucking kickstart than anything else we've ever aspired to listeners. So just so you know, I can't imagine we couldn't get this actress to just refilm that one shot. We just cut it in.

Nobody's twice. Nobody's the wiser. Well, that wasn't the first ending, but they decided to do a rewrite, you know? Yeah. So yes, so that is we could, Jesus Christ, they present a quote from, letter from a Birmingham jail, as though MLK was talking about fetus is when he's at it. Mm hmm.

And then they say, let's become Americans again. Cam jail is though MLK was talking about fetus is when he said it. Mm hmm. And then they say, let's become Americans again by which they mean agreeing with them on abortion. Yeah. And then like every single anti abortion movie we have ever watched bar none. We end on some home videos of that lovely little baby that didn't get murdered after all. And the child is like three because that's how long the trial took.

Because when she gave birth, the child was already three. So they named it Presley. And I know I should never make fun of a name on our show because a lot of people listening and someone's going to be like, Hey man, I named my kid Come Quot Squish Squish. What's wrong with that? But like, come on, they might as well name it Oopsy. She's just swinging around on a mini stripper pole. Yep, that tracks.

That tracks. So her name is Presley Voodoo Carpenter. All right, well, I gotta say, Aegean's been a blast, having you here today. If our listeners wanted to hear more from you, where should they go? Yeah. Check me out on Twitter at Mollershi Road. And we also were there at Daily Beans pod. And then of course, our new show with Andrew Torres from opening arguments is called Clean

Up on aisle 45. And that's on Twitter at aisle 45 pod. Awesome. And of course, we'll have that all linked on the show notes as well. And well, that does it for our review of the order of Rights that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need a lorry in for some more so Eli tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, it's Valentine's Day next week. And since most of our listeners can't go anywhere or do anything, we want to invite you to cuddle up with your honey and enjoy the fact that you're none of the people in the Christian dating documentary will be watching. Oh, God.

A courtship. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, not Valentine's Day next week, but you know, wing it. It's, I'm sure it'll be fine. So we have to look forward to it. We're going to bring up a so do 85 to one more. So close ones to get a huge thanks to HG for hanging out and a perhaps even huge thanks

to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com. slash god awful. And thereby early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by living on 5 star review and by sharing this show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, this is getting the Sitation Day to D&D minus and the Scapacright available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies

at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast provided by the law, this is a P.N. retours. Timor offence takes care of our social media, our theme song was written and performed by Ryze. We'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Noah and Eli went on to Omey 1. Emma went on to have a 50% chance of finishing high school by age 22 and Presley was significantly more likely to have health problems, do bad in school and wind up in carcassment. Nobody in this movie wears a mask. Oh All right in godland we drink our coffee black Sorry, what olders crystals We just snore them and then we fuck our sisters

reference to a folder's commercial That was a my son at commercial okay good. I was just I keep forgetting this is the first time we've met. And so and then we fuck our sisters sexual attention between cis and bro and that fuck absolutely All right, so sorry, I'm going back for that. Well, we use that one as an outtake. So let me go back The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021. All right, reserved. So let me go back to the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021 all right reserved.