God Awful Movies - 286: A Courtship

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

On this week's episode: We're joined by veteran guest masochist Rebecca Vigil for an atheist review of the Christian misogyny documentary A Courtship. --- Check out Rebecca's show here: http://www.yourloveourmusical.com/ --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Oh no, no, no, every girl has a laminated binder full of drawings of their wedding when they're six years old. Question. I'm assuming you have one of those. Oh, yeah. Is it a civil war wedding? Oh. It wouldn't be at the other way.

Would you even marry somebody if they didn't wear Confederate uniform to your wedding? I would never big drag a cigarette. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. God awful movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be half vaccinated, half cyborg friend Eli Bosnick Eli, how's it going? One second, I'm getting a text from Bill Gates in my brain. Apparently, I'm fine. I am fine, according to Bill Gates in my brain. So convenient. It's great. Everybody get the chip and sitting somewhere in the zombie apocalypse wasteland of New York City is veteran guest maskist. And the most beautiful woman I've never seen Rebecca vigil back. Welcome back. Thank you so much. I'm actually not in the zombie wasteland of New York City. Yeah. I'm, yeah, I'm in the zombie stoner wasteland of Denver. Oh, yeah.

Okay. The city of the names of just what the places we did a live show there last year and every fucking store in Denver is like shoes. Yes. Three burritos in a Sunday. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's the city that easily sleeps. All right. So Rebecca, we invited you on this week, not just because you're hilarious, and you keep saying yes to us for some reason. It was also in the spirit of Valentine's Day because of your fantastic show called Your Love, Our Musical. And I hear you're actually doing an online performance on the 13th of February. Can you tell us a little bit about the show? Yeah, my comedy partner, Evan Kaufman and I, when we were doing it live in the before time, would get a real couple from the audience,

bring them on stage, interview them about their love story for about like 25 minutes, send them in the audience and immediately start improvising a musical, We're about like 25 minutes, send them in the audience, and immediately start improvising a musical, recreating the love story we just heard about. And so now we're doing a streaming version on the 13th, where we're basically gonna have a couple zoom in with us, and we're not gonna necessarily do like a full musical, because we are in Zoom,

but we're basically gonna be making a soundtrack for their love story and getting all the deeds. And it's gonna be a lot of fun. We got all the tech. We've been teching, trying to make musical improv work on Zoom. And it's pretty close. So come on, it's gonna be really, really fun. And it's cheap and it's an easy thing to do on Valentine's Day.

That's tricky. Getting like no delay. You got to get like co-located servers, like a futures trader doing high speed stuff. That's a good thing. Yes, it's very intense. Got a T1 line. Now, as someone who saw the show live in in person in New York, it is truly, truly fantastic listeners. 100% check this out. It is, it is an absolute blast.

I know you hear improv and I know you hear musical to turn off the podcast, but I swear to God, we are comedians who just like making up stupid songs about crazy love stories. It's a really good time. I swear to God we're comedians is a great title for something. That should be the intro to every improv show. No, not everyone. No, not everyone. No, that's right.

All right, well, if our listeners want to check out your love, our musical, they can buy tickets or submit themselves to be your couple at your love our musical.com. Is that correct? Yeah, that's right. All right, we're going to link that in the show notes. So let's just get right into it. Something way worse than speaking of love, then improv musicals. We've gone right under that bar. What are we going to be breaking down today, Rebecca?

I just can I just say I'm going off script, gentlemen. Let's do it. Go around. Well, I'm scared. Every single time I do this show, the movie ups, like ups, it's anti, like every single time, I'm like, what the fuck the whole time I'm watching? And this was no exception, okay? We watched a courtship, and it's the true story of how I had a legit panic attack on my couch watching this nightmare of a movie.

Oh, rough. Oh, my God. And I'm the only, thank God you have a woman on This is unwatchable. We watched it for you Eli Tell us a little bit more about how bad this movie was Well if you're lonely and single this Valentine's Day at least you're not any fucking body in this movie The cast of journey of hope would shut this documentary off because it was bumming them out. And is there anything y'all like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst

at? Yeah, I would like to nominate it for best worst sex in the city spin off. Yes. That's an interesting formula they went with. Yeah. I was going to go with best worst pose law. Okay. So, okay.

Question for the panel. Is this satire? I spent hours talking about this. Is this real or satire? This is real, like this is a real documentary. It's the music that seals it. Yeah. I think the music is all like the frozen soundtrack. Like this is some magical journey that we're going on. And it really is the clear opinion in the film filmmaker, I feel.

I get, I mean, I wrote, is this satire like 25 times in my notes. I could not decide like if Christopher Guest had just walked across the frame at the end of the movie and winked, this might be like the best movie ever. Absolutely. That's not what happens though. It is not. And on that note, I want to nominate this for best worst sympathetic documentary subjects. Look.

Yeah. best worst sympathetic documentary subjects. Look, this movie is about abused children and a lonely 33 year old woman so traumatized by her parents divorce. She gives her entire life over to an 18th century arranged marriage system. And still, still there's not a single human being in this movie who you don't manage to hate by the end of it. Everyone in this movie make sure to turn to the camera one point and be like, by the way, I'm a homo foe. A child at one point is like, just to be clear, I'm a racist. Don't feel bad for me.

I am a racist. Would you like a very specific example about the Civil War? I have one for you. We'll get there. But before we do that, let's take a quick break. I think we all need probably more than the normal amount of breaks for this one. We'll take one of them now. And then we'll be back to tell you all about a courtship. All right, everyone. It's time to present your documentaries. Phil, why don't you go

first? Oh, yes. I journeyed to the Congo where I followed child soldiers for over a year. My documentary depicts the terrible violence and the innocence taken from childhood. Wonderful. Can't wait to see it. Of course you're all aware of my new work, Peace or Blood, which tracks the child's slaves of Myanmar. There are rumors of a Nobel Peace Prize. Oh, so wonderful. That's great work.

What about you, Jerry? You know what, I just like, we don't have to do mine. We can just skip ahead. Come on, Jerry. Come on. All art is welcome here. Yeah, Jerry, we want to see it. Tell us. Okay, well, my documentary,

it's the story of a lady wants to get married. Oh, no, that's it, that's it. She just really wants to get married, but she's like a Christian, so stupid, stupid, stupid, okay, it's a stupid idea. I don't wanna go. I'm sure it's not stupid. Finding love is a universal experience we can all understand. Yeah. Yeah. Does she find love? No, but she does play board games

with a guy and then they get a fight on Facebook. And so they don't date. Sorry. It's a story. They don't even start dating. Correct. They do not start dating. Well, that sounds good. That sounds good. That doesn't fill. No, it doesn't.

No. Cotton. You like, you really have to stop yelling that every time I vape. No. Greetings, humans. Are you ready to record a podcast? Hey, Keith. What you doing, buddy? Well, now that I am fully upgraded, I am more machine than man. There is no Heath now.

You guys never just hang out, huh? Eat some chips, watch your movie. No, we don't do that stuff. Okay, I know I'm going to regret asking this. Heath, how are you fully upgraded? Hello, Tushy. Okay, well, it's been really great in quotes, seeing you guys. Yeah, you should go. This seems like you should go. No, humans, no. I'm talking about the brand new Hello, Tushii 3.0 modern bidet attachment. It doesn't just cleanse your butt with a precise stream of fresh water. It also cleans itself before and after it's used with the smart spray trademark automatic

self-cleaning nozzle. And so you're a robot now? Yes. I mean, that sounds nice, but aren't the days super expensive? Yeah, and you got to install a bunch of outlets to plug them in and plumbing stuff with the Hello Tushy. It attaches to your existing toilet, requires no electricity or additional plumbing and cuts toilet paper used by 80%. So the Hello Tushie Bede pays for itself in a few human months. I think it's just months. There's not like a different thing. You know what?

That actually does sound good though. How do I get one? Just go to hellotushie.com slash awful to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for your listeners. Go to hellotushy.com slash awful for 10% off. All right. Hello Tushy.com slash awful. And now I will be a robot to why do I keep coming here. Cotton. Damn it. And we're back. And we're going to start with a cold open on a bride and groom doing a slow motion wedding frolic on a beach. We're going to talk about the long odds of staying married.

Yes, this movie makes it zero seconds before it lies to us, telling us the divorce rate is 50%. What is the divorce rate? It depends on your income and your level, but it's nowhere close to 50%. I thought it was like 40. It's not anymore. That study is from the 1970s, and they did it really badly, and they didn't account for income, and they didn't account for income and they

didn't account for like what counted as there's a bunch of bad stuff about that study. But yeah, needless to say, as this movie introduces it, marriage is not taking a coin out of your pocket and flipping it to see whether or not you make it. Right. That's saying that like it's completely out of your hands and it's all locked. Right, no matter what the number is, you do control it. Yes, exactly. And then we learn that the problem with women going to college is that no one's there at college to protect them.

Yep. Women are stupid and need our help, the God of the universe. I can't. You make anance over there? I just can't believe I got that mad, that fast, that early. Oh my God. Yeah, the speaker here is Ron. He's going to be one of the subjects of our documentary. He is going to be Kelly. We'll introduce her in a little bits spiritual father.

And if you're wondering what he looks like, he looks like Chef Boyardy's mug shot. He is terrifying. Absolutely. There are some ugly people in this movie. He is the top. Like every time somebody hangs out with this guy and goes to like the supermarket, it looks like they're being kidnapped and there's people like winking at him. Yeah, he's the kind of ugly where you're like, oh, yeah, he has secrets. There's like a spell. Yeah, there's literally magic. Yeah, yeah.

He looks like Wario being interviewed on VH1 behind the music. Or does he look like John Wayne Gasey? Yeah, yeah. He looks like Wario being interviewed on VH1 behind the music. It doesn't look like John Wayne Gacy. Yes, a lot of John Wayne Gacy. Yeah, except without the clown part that would make him way more attractive. Yeah. The talent.

Right, without the clown talent, that's sad. He's through John Wayne Gacy would avoid it party city. So we're going to begin our journey in summer, not because the seasons have anything to do with this fucking documentary, but because that's how they decided to break up the movie. And we start in Grand Rapids, Michigan. We see a McDonald's. We see an American flag and we see Christ chapel of the redeemer, brand. I was like, wow, all right, I'm going to go ahead and set my massage and eat timer right now.

Oh, it's done zero seconds. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. The first thing they say here is, you should teach your five year old daughter to attract a husband. That's important.

Yep. Yeah. Gross. It's the opening line. And the woman they're talking to, we will never see her again. She is so uncomfortable as they describe courtship, which is what this movie is about. This like Christian 18th century idea of like your dad interviews everyone before you date them.

And then by the time you date them, it's understood that you're going to marry them, right? So they're telling some fellow Christians about this idea. And the woman they're describing it to, who again will never appear again, is rocking back in fourth in order. And like there are young girls sitting around this group as well. Oh, absolutely. And it is so upsetting.

I have to say, I mean, there's one girl that acts as if she's like an 80 year old racist in a little like 12 year old. And she has this thing that I've seen in kids where they're really, really just wanting to say exactly what they know what their parents want to hear. But they say it with this conviction that it's their thought that they've had their whole life or whatever.

And that's what she's saying about these incredibly insane, you know, 18th century courtship rules that like, well, no, if a man doesn't want me, I'll just live with mom and dad. I mean, she's saying it with this air of like a 35 year old woman on a sitcom. Like it's very creepy. It's like the dynamic of Nazi Germany, you know, ever since I looked around like, yeah, well, we all believe this, right? Yes. Yeah, or, or, you know, a mask rally. Or not the America. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. No one in this movie wears a mask and fingers crossed some of them died of COVID. Oh, God. Just to give you an idea of what we're into, run. Again, that's Wario on VH1 is going to introduce us to his daughter, who Rebecca was just talking about, by telling us that she doesn't even want to go to college. And the girl is like, yeah, it's true. I'm going to stay in my lane. I know my lane. I'm not going to college. Gross.

Yeah. Stay in my lane. This is also where we meet mom here, who will have as carrot tops mom throughout the movie. And she's explaining is she's pitching this courtship thing that being a lady slave is safe. If you think about it. Yes, because you get to completely shut off. You don't have to experience or make choices in your miserable life. You just do what you're told and nothing scares you.

And you know what? I need to be funnier because I'm just ranting now. Yeah, I said she loves courtship so much. That's why she's describing it like an al-Qaeda hostage. Exactly. And these twins. Can we talk about these twins that are seeing this? These children of the corn.

I mean, children of the creamed corn, they're early on. Not a lot of little people in this movie, yeah. Yeah, if the children of the corn weren't hot. The least fuckable children of the corn is a great description of this family. But this is a way scarier movie than children of the corn. I have to be real with you. And let's actually agree with you.

That's absolutely apt. So now we're gonna boop around Grand Rapids some more to music that's meant for an industrial film. It's like, and this is where we're going to meet Kelly. Okay. Before we meet Kelly, I have to mention one little detail. We see the outside of a church and there's one of those big billboardy things that they

always put there. They're a little saying on and it says, in Christ, we have perfect. And then they run out of space on that line. And the next line says, Ion, that is not our own. So, and there's trying to say in Christ, we have perfection that is not our own. And literally the word perfection is cut off

because they ran out of space. It's so imperfect. It's beautiful. I left for a while at that. I had to stop. I left that Kelly, our protagonist, last name is Bogus. A name is Bogus. And, hey, let's be real here.

This movie will be about Kelly's quest to get married. If your last name was Bogus, do you want to get married right the fuck away. I was expecting at some point she was going to find out that you're just allowed to legally change your name and be like, Oh, fuck, I don't need to get married. So DMV, DMV, okay, I'm gonna. Walks out of the shot. And she's a Christian dance teacher, which if you're wondering what that looks like, it's like dance without any of the movement and all of the terror. Yeah. Looks like he's dancing. Yeah.

At one point, she's like coaching these little girls because she teaches little girl dance and she's having them do bot months across the dance stage, right? And she goes, who loves Jesus go next? And there's one girl who doesn't go and she's my fucking hero. She is my fucking hero in this my sorry. I'm sorry. Did you just say Bob malls? What is that?

My kicks. It's fancy ballet kicks. Wow. Look at you. My extensive dance training shows up. Thank you. Thank you. Did you know I had to giant post it? No, just to work that in some way on a screen for sure. All phonetically spelled out. I crumple up my word of the day calendar from 1995. All right. Now just to work in, indefaculable, and I'll be all.

You like to go. What did you call that? One other dancing term. Hats. Hats, we got it. But Kelly explains to us that she has been Christian since sophomore year of college. So a lesbian. Yeah, basically she explains that, you know, she wanted to be loved and the church was like,

I will pretend that's happening for 10% in your income and she was like fucking deal. Yeah. So now we cut over to her and the family geocaching. Now what? I had to explain this plot point to Anna. I like three quarters of the way through the movie, but this is very important. Ron and Carrot Top's mom are not Kelly's parents. They have adopted her like some kind of pet or handmade or

he purchased her or they annexed her. I don't know. It's they own her now. Yes. What is geocaching by the way? Yes. I would like to point out my husband had to pause the movie to explain. Yes.

And so I was like, well, maybe they have a point that women are stupid and need. had to pause the movie to explain. Yes. I'm guessing. Yes. And so I was like, well, maybe they have a point that women are stupid in need. Look, if you can't fuck or talk about anything interesting, what's the only activity you can do? Look for boxes in the middle of nowhere that people also can't fuck or do anything interesting have put there. That's geocaching. What? Okay, so Ron finds a random toolbox like under a bridge here. So somebody else is an enthusiast of this thing and put that box there so that yeah, Ron could find

it as an activity. Yeah, apparently this happens all over the world. All over the world to the extent that they have had to change how lampposts are designed because geocashers keep lifting up the bases of them and hiding little boxes of shit at the bottom, but then those boxes of shit go bad or bump into something or blow up or something happens. So they have literally had so many people have so little things to do and go wandering into various coordinates on our planet that they have had to change the design of lamp posts.

Why would anybody want it? Okay, it's not even interesting stuff in the box though. So like, if there was maybe, it was like a treasure map inside the box and then he would find treasure with a series of steps and riddles, that I could see being something people do. It's just like, there's literally a bottle of bug repellent in the box. And that's it. When it opens it. Mm-hmm. And a list of 30 year old women that you can imprison in your home. Oh, that's the treasure. Yeah.

I get it now with John. Yeah. But while we watch them, Geocache, Kelly explains the backstory here of the ownership. She was their babysitter. And then she got saved in the middle of college, which is very normal and run in a totally normal offer was like, Hey, I'll be your Jesus dad. And his wife, who is totally happy and full of joy. Agreed, she agreed.

She agreed. And so now Kelly has moved in with them and has lived with them for seven years. Yes. What happened with Kelly's original parents? Like we meet them later, but they don't even mention them here. There was no consultation like, oh, you're going to annex our child, our adult child for seven years. Yeah. Actually way more we're going to find out. I was screaming at the screen. I was like, where is her family? How great would it be

if they were geocaching? They open up the box and like Kelly's original mom is in there. See, I told you preserve forever. So now we're going to watch Ron screen one of Kelly's potential suitors. They meet at the outdoor seating section of a dairy queen, but I got to say pretty sure that I'm her spirit dad is a strong enough screen for any of Kelly suitors. It's gross.

This guy is the same age as Ron. They're both like 60 Ron and this potential suitor of Kelly who's 20 something now 33. Oh, she's 33 now. Right. Yeah. It's been seven years. She got annexed to 26. Yes.

Two old men meeting to talk about one of them trying to eventually marry and fuck her. It's terrifying. But y'all look at Ron's face when he is on these dates with these men. He is glowing. It's glowing. It is the least, least ugly. He looks like truly. When he sits with them, he like rubs his coffee cup. He puts his chin in his hand. I thought it was some sick thing with her,

and I truly don't think it is. No. I think he's trying to date men through her. He is, he is sitting and dating men through her. Yeah. Yeah. He's doing all those like creepy, you know, signals, like he's tilting his genitals towards the guy

and playing with his hand. Leaning in. Yes. tilting his genitals towards the guy and playing with his hair. Yes. Oh, it's Ron's gay repression as the through line for this movie is so sad. For disappeared levels of sad and beautiful. But yeah, he interviews the guy and again, just in case you're sitting there podcast listening and you're like, oh, I don't know if this is fun. These people seem sad.

Ron's going to open with, so how do you feel about gay people? Are they people? And the guy says, yes. And Ron might as well push a buzzer. Oh, yeah, a trap door might as well fall out from under this guy when he says, he doesn't even say, yes, I like gay people. I'm totally fine. Everybody should do whatever they want with their sexuality.

He says, I, I guess I tolerate gay people as long as they never have sex. And Ron is like, that is way too liberal, deal breaker. Yeah. I'm trapped. How dare you talk about the porn I watch? Not in my America, man. Now at this point, if you're wondering, Hey, Ron, how do you find men your age? You want to interview to fuck your not daughter who they've never met.

Don't worry. Ron's going to tell us they hang out and wait for a guy to show up. That's their, that's their gameplay. We also get a few more shots of their life here. We see one of the daughters playing with tangled dolls dressed as raggedy Andy. Do you guys note this? No, I didn't notice that. She was interesting looking kind of like a chucky doll was a scarecrow at the same time. Yeah, it's an interesting look.

It's a weird look. We watch Kelly brush her teeth. Kelly has a narnia poster on her wall as a 33 year old woman. Yes. Kelly's bedroom looks like a 15 year old's bedroom. It's really sad. It's very sad. She is so frozen in time.

It's creepy. So creepy. And we get a little interview with Karatop's mom here where she explains that if she was a young single Christian man, she fucked the shit out of it. She did say that. I wrote my notes. I bet you would, lady. I bet you would.

If she doesn't annex a 26 year old man at some point for the family so that she gets to date, the potential suitor women, I don't know if that's probably not what Chris Gianni allows, but that's what she's lobbying for. It should be. No, no, that's in the book of Leviticus. This is also where we see the children's keepsake books. Do you guys remember this where they've drawn? Oh, no, no, no, every girl has a laminated binder full of drawings of their wedding when they're six years old. Question. Um, I'm assuming you have one of those.

Oh, yeah. Is it a civil war wedding? Oh, it wouldn't be the other way. Would you even marry somebody if they didn't wear Confederate uniform to your wedding? I would never big drag of a cigarette. This is truly what Savannah, one of the daughters is talking about. We look in her book, she wants a Confederate uniform themed wedding. So again, if you were going to feel bad for this child, don't worry, she's confirmed her

racism to us. And then they talk about their first kiss. Oh, God. And holy fucking shit is this scene dark. Like, I don't want to say the last two episodes of this podcast should have been called, don't worry, Eli, you're doing a great job as a father because you aren't this movie. But the last two episodes of this podcast have been called, don't worry, Eli, you're doing great job as your mother. They get read this story from their mother about how, you know, your first kiss is a gift

from God that you can only give to the right man. And then we cut directly from that to Kelly weeping as she describes that she gave away her first kiss. Okay, we have, what is this term gave away? What is this? Do you normally charge? That's prostitution. And is so much nicer than what's going on to Kelly?

Oh my God. Honestly, this whole movie could have turned around for me of Kelly, it just broken character. And been like, they pay me 500 bucks a month to pretend to be this crazy girl who needs to live in their house. And then they both fuck me while the kids are asleep. I would be so much happier for Kelly. Wait, how much? 500 bucks a month in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

That's good money. Whoa, you're not bogus. You're based. Oh, Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you wanted to negotiate live on the air for Kelly. Reach out to us. We'll find a good sugar daddy deal for you for a nice older gentleman who will just have sex with you and won't make you read books about your first kiss.

I promise. Literally, the entire time Kelly was doing this interview where she talks about giving away her first kiss. My wife was next to me as she just kept yelling oh Kelly Kelly look at my notes gentlemen. I'm like my heart rate is so high So if that's got you wondering how Kelly's dating life went when she was dating Don't worry, Ron is now going to tell us about it. He's going to lie about it. Yeah. Ron is going to say,

yeah, this kissing thing, it's a big problem for me and Don because both of us gave away our first kiss before we got married. But he's clearly, he's, he's basically saying like, yeah, I've had kiss sex with a woman before I have. She's real. Is she? No, absolutely not. Oh, yeah, he explains that he just doesn't want his children to have to live with, quote, the deep regret of that decision. Yeah, his regret is that it was a woman ever. for Greta's that it was a woman ever. That is for sure.

And we're going to close this scene in the most terrifying possible way. Mom finishes the story for the little girls about the first kiss and how important it is. And then she turns to her children and goes, don't worry, we won't let a wolf for a lion come in, ellipses, and I wrote in my notes, and fuck you. We won't let a wolf for a wrote my notes and fuck you. We won't let a wolf online come in and fuck you kiss you.

Yeah. Daddy and I will be guarding your gate with an actual sentence they said. Yes. All right, a courtship. I don't, there's no segue to go to a break here. We need to take a break. We're gonna do some ads.

Yeah, I need a nap. Yeah, break time, no segue. Where did they go? They said they just needed a bathroom break. Oh, if it's a vigil, thank you so much for joining us. Hello, hello, hello. Come on, what are you guys doing? Why are you dressed like that? A corn TV!

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awful. That's a C O R N dot TV code awful and get your first 30 days for free. Well, count me in, governor. Seriously, Rebecca offensive. The British people are a very proud people. I hate you guys. You, offensive. The British people are a very proud people. I hate you guys. You're canceled.

Cancel. Cancel, guppna! Hi, my name is Tom Hansen. And I'm Beverly Hansen. And this is our squirrel daughter, Squeak-Squook. Squeak-Squook has been with us for eight years now. Yeah, just about eight years. This is back when her name was Kara, actually, so she was crossing the road in front of her house and a garbage truck ran over her head and she just woke up as a squirrel.

It was kind of cool. Yeah, a lot of people ask if we've ever considered getting your psychological help, but no, we kind of just like having a squirrel. Yeah, yeah, it's fun. Isn't it squeak swoop? Right. Right. Now, uh, why don't we all watch a courtship? Huh? You guys want to watch that documentary called a courtship? Oh, squeak swoop says no. She says those people freak her out. Yeah, it's fair. Squeak swoop. Yeah, I, you, you. Oh, squeak, squeak, says no. She says those people freak her out. That's fair, squeak, squeak, squeak.

Yeah, I get it. That's fair. And we're back. And now we get a little title card that says autumn on the screen, which sets up the movie to end on spring because they don't know how that metaphor fuckin' works. I mean, but it's autumn. To be fair to the makers of this documentary.

Nothing happens in this movie except for the seasons. I am unwilling to be fair. But we learned that Kelly has met a young man at a party and they have been talking on Facebook. Well, it's not what you think though. They've been talking about saxophone maintenance, not about any kind of flirting. We actually get a shot of one of the messages on Facebook.

From Ross, it says, I'm glad you're still practicing. You better believe I'm practicing the mouthpiece after that debacle. That has to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever done with a saxophone. It was better tonight. So what are the other embarrassing things on that list that he's referring to? It went up his ass. That's what he's I mean knowing Ross as we're going to meet him Is that a doctor placed of X-ray chart Skeleton with a sax coming out of it. You see right here the problem is you put a saxophone in I'm not a doctor wait. I am a doctor But yeah now that they're getting hot and heavy with the saxophone talk, Kelly needs

Ron's permission to keep talking to him on Facebook. And this is where they introduce the idea that until Ron gives them permission to start officially courting, she just needs to think about him as a brother in the Lord. Rebecca, would you say I'm your brother in the Lord? I would love that for us. Yeah, you're my brother until I'm allowed to fuck you. All right. See, Rebecca watches the same porn as you do, Heath. I'm bonding here on the podcast. It feels like every somehow there's, I don't like how this is hooked to that each time. It keeps coming up.

And this is where the parents are explaining how boy crazy Kelly is over a shot of her putting on her nicest ponytail. I'm just saying, I like, I'm like the Lannisters, you know, it's like a beautiful, doesn't matter. Go ahead. Okay. Kelly, ponytail. Kelly has a ponytail. So now we actually get to meet Ross, the saxophonist. And if you're wondering what happened to all the extras

from the movies we've watched from the 1950s, they're Ross now. They all came together and they are Ross. Yeah, I want everyone listening to just close your eyes, think of the widest man and double it. Yep. Think of the proud boys, JV Squad, and they've arrived at your house. Oh, man.

Yeah, this is Ross and his brother Paul, who's like, I guess, here to guard Ross his penis along with Ron and Don who are there to guard Kelly's kiss flower, something. There are more penis and vagina guards in this movie than there are penises and vagina. There are them. His brother is a real broken wingman. And this is where we, what? This was truly agonizing. Like if there is a hell and I go there, it is this dinner. You mean the fuck dinner?

The fuck dinner? The fuck dinner. It's just the posiest, darkest. I the dinner. The fuck, the dinner. It's just the pausiest, darkest. I don't know how everyone let alone anyone in this scene managed to make it through this scene without murdering themselves. If I was sitting in complete silence and someone said, quote, this is really good meat, I would just take my life and snip my throat and hope that I was reincarnated as something that didn't have

that conversation. Rebecca do you want some candy corn? You beat me to it. I was about to say. We can give each other candy corn. We'll cross our arms. No, sorry, I touched you. Do you always have a bowl of candy corn out? I, I like meat. ball of candy corn out. I, I like meat. Oh, and look, I know you can edit things to make it awkward. I'm guessing they did not have to do that for this scene. No, I, they edited it out a lot of silence. Yeah. This, this was the cleanest version of this dinner. Yeah. This is also where we get our first shot of Ron's teeth. And I just want to say he has a baby tooth.

He has one run tooth in his mouth. And I'm going to think about it every day until I talk. I love that they had to cut the audio of Ross during this. At one point, it was so bad. Like he's supposed to be charming this family. And they couldn't have him say anything out loud because it was so bad. Like he's supposed to be charming this family. And they couldn't have him say anything out loud because it was all like meat is good. So they did that once. And then they were like, I don't know, we're just going to have to do a montage.

We don't hear him actually talking. Everybody accidentally sits on their saxophone. Yeah. Am I right? Yeah. Ron knows what I'm talking about. This guy knows. No. Ron definitely knows what Ross is talking about. Yes, he definitely knows. You know, Candy Corn is kind of shaped like a supp...

Yeah, what? You go. This is also where we see the weird unexplained scar on Ross's face that no one will ever talk about again. Yeah, yeah. Just him trying to suck his own y'all, you know, saxophone got in the way. That's what the baby to this for two. And speaking of babies, now we're going to cut over to home church. Right. Now on my second viewing, I realized that this was a home church because when I watched this the first time I wrote, this appears to be a baby convention.

Yeah. Wow. I am so impressed at your work ethic that you watched this twice. You didn't watch this twice. Oh, I watched it twice, Ethan, right? I watched it twice. Do you call me teeth, then, right? I'm just adding a different syllable to the front of the

rest of our careers. Yeah, Geath, it's cool. Classic. So yeah, this is home church, which is like regular church, except everyone's preaching at each other simultaneously. And there's no fucking limits on the crazy. And this is another one of those moments where like, it's that Nazi dynamic of everybody being like, yeah, we all agree with this thing that we all know we're lying about, right? Right?

And they all look the same to the point where they have like the same shaped glasses. And this, I had to look it up, was in 2015. 2015. 2015. That was not that long ago. And it seems like this was filmed in 1981. Yeah, no, this whole movie feels like it was shot

on a Nikkei phone and you're watching it on a Nikkei phone. It's very upsetting. Ron owns a Nikkei phone. We're gonna see it like that. Oh yeah, we fucking are. Yes, he does. Actually, no, he owns a sidekick. Sidekick, baby. He has a sidekick with physical buttons that he takes out in 2015 and shows us.

And the only reason I bring up this scene is there's one very important moment where the one smart girl in this home church figures out the hole in the system. So they're all talking about like, oh, don't give your kiss away. Don't give your kiss away. Protect your kiss, protect your kiss. And smart girls like, wait, if I kiss someone, I can just fuck too, right? Because I already gave away my kiss. It's the same. And everyone has to do the Nazi hard stare where they're like, yes, it's the same. And she's like, okay. And you can see everyone at the table being like, we did good.

And that girl's just like, I'm gonna kiss someone and then I want to fuck the shit out of them because I'm just doing it. So now we're gonna get Ron and his wife's gritty, dark backstory, which is that their marriage fucking sucked because they were the people in it. Yeah. Yeah.

He says our relationship was all about physical attraction. We're looking at these people. Yeah. And then they show us 80s photos of them, which made it even worse, somehow worse. I just kept screaming at the screen. Maybe you didn't like each other. Yeah, unfortunately, no one screamed that to them in person because this is where Ron explains that they got an emotional divorce. This is nothing, by the way, if you're thinking like,

oh, is this a Christian thing? No, this is just like a word that Ron and his fucking wife made up for like that time they hated each other a little more than usual. Yeah, yeah, that time he realized he wasn't attracted to women and concocted a plan to date through. Kelly. What, what he wished he was, which was a 27 year old blonde woman. Yeah.

So now we're going to watch Ron do the business of courtship because there's nothing terrible in Christian that terrible Christians don't turn into fucking businesses. So this is where the movie explains that while Ron makes his living as a snow plow dispatcher, he has selling women as a side business. He sends people, they pay him, and he sends people a don't kiss someone gift box. Yup. Yes, that is not a joke. No, that is not a joke.

They just got a really big order is what we find out here. What the fuck does that mean? Like a wholesale courtship order? What? We watch the whole family packing up a copy of that weird fairy tale book and another shitty Christian book. And it's folding a 27 year old woman in half. The Christian courtships really taking a hit from prime because they can get you a 27 year old in two days. And you know, sometimes next day, the prime, it's really upsetting. Oh, and this is also where we get another interview with Ron and his wife and so much of this courtship stuff is just men, you're not a loser, right?

And it's like, well, the husband is the spear point and because if I'm not the spear point then I'm an asshole massager and so I'm the spear point and she's my helmet. We had an emotional divorce and I have magic powers, bea, bea, circle circle dot dot, I'm not gay, it's just, I like men, okay? I just think that like, all of it is so based out of this terror that women will expect them

to be better. You know what I mean? Yes. That it's just just keeping women from having any expectation of them whatsoever. It's insane. Yeah, it's a religion and a fucking business, an online business model based on like, honey, are you ever going to do anything with your body? Yeah, it's servitude. It's crazy. He talks about her being ready for marriage in ways of like,

you know, like he's selling a car. Yeah. Transmissions all good cooks and clean. What else do you want? He might as well slap the top of Kelly and be like, you're gonna fit 10, 15 babies in here before she dies. I swear. Exactly.

This is where Rebecca's notes turn all caps for the rest of the movie. I told you, I'm really trying to hold back. So now Ron and his wife are going to sneak off into the garage in their mini van for a chat about Kelly's prospects with Ross. I don't understand this. I don't understand what is happening. Why are they getting in the van? I have no fucking I conference table of their business. They have a real

business and it has a conference room, which is a Ford Aero Star from 1989. Look, not to fat shame. Okay. But could there be a smaller container for these two demons? Yeah. Their bellies are resting on one another in this mini. They have stacked their humanity in order to have this meeting. Tetris logistics had to be applied to their human hood in order for this meeting to take place. Now, I will say when he said, can we sneak off for a second,

you guys thought they were going to go off and fuck, right? Yes, I did. I had, there was no way these two people will or ever fuck or ever have fuck. No, I'll say, I would, this movie would have won me back if the remaining 45 minutes had just been them raw dogging. Just gruntty grand rapids staked filled fucking. Yes, I agree. I will admit, they're, they have, they each have a version of a mullet, but like different shapes, but they compliment their like two sides of a locket that fit together. Oh my god, they're best friend here. Oh, yeah. Oh my God, they're best friend hair. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

And so what they decide during this conversation is that Ross has spoken to Ron. He would like to get to know Kelly better, but they're going to keep it a secret from Kelly. Why? Oh my God. Is this like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle? I don't understand what they're going to keep it a secret until they're on the altar. Kelly, now that it's your wedding day, Ross does like you like you. Yes.

Oh, he's already inside of you. Yeah. Yeah. So now we're going to cut over to the Richard and Helen Devos Center for Arts and Warship. Yup. And yes, it is that devos or divos, whatever how about this is the in laws of Betsy Devos on this. Yes. And Kelly is standing there with the flowers because she, she brought flowers for Ross on their first date. And he didn't bring anything except the herpes. No, just to saxophone. Just give me a second. And there's this terrifying moment. He comes and he greets the family and he's hugging everyone in the family. But of course, he doesn't hug Kelly because that would be improper. So we get a voiceover from Kelly being like, oh, I'm such a fucking hug slut.

I want a hug so fucking bad. He also have this terrifyingly sad moment where she's like, I bet people are going to talk about whether or not we're dating, right? When they see us together at this Christian dance performance. Yeah, in this audience where everyone looks exactly like me, we're gonna stick out. Oh, yeah. And speaking of which, we're gonna watch them date because truly nothing happens in this movie. So we watch their date slash super spreader event.

This is a Christian nutcracker, which is gonna start with a prayer because there is no too much that Christians will not protest. Oh my God. And then they're watching ballet while being filmed. Can you think of anything worse than that? That's the side felt Joe. We could watch, yeah, we could watch somebody filming them

watch the ballet. I think that would be more interesting actually. I agree, I totally agree. And then they talk. They're talking. Amazing. She is having to explain every moment of this ballet to Ross and Ron. And it is fucking heartbreaking.

The mediocrity of these men. No, but what is happening here is junior high dating. Right. Ron is date is like trying to talk to Kelly, but also trying to talk to this guy. is like trying to talk to Kelly, but also trying to talk to this guy. Like it is like the craziest 14 year old, the horny, like we can't do anything because we're not allowed. Terror. Yes.

You know what I mean? Am I wrong? No, that's absolutely correct. And that's such an awkward situation. A lot of us have been there. It's extremely awkward. But in this one, there's a camera inches from their face. Yeah. That's happening. And all of them.

They're all over 30. And they're all grown adults. Ron is wearing gene shorts with pleats and a cell phone holster just to fuck with me. The camera is so close to them and they're trying so hard not to look at the camera, but like they're twitching to not inch their neck. Also one moment, I think maybe I'm just crazy in the middle of the nutcracker suite, the not ballet that we're watching. Yep. Oh my God. I does dubstep music start playing. There is a dub section of this ballet. Okay. I thought I had a stroke and I was like, what? I need to call an ambulance. It's done. It's done. What happened? Okay. That was real. You're saying? Yeah. That was real. Why? What? What did that happen? I? Again, anything would be more interesting than the movie we watched, but I desperately

now want to watch a Christian nutcracker with a dubstep section. Yeah, I think it's a choreographer who isn't Christian, but got a job at a church. And so he put one little in for herself, you know, I get it. I thought maybe it was just a prank by the editor of this movie. He was like, you know, I'm going to put in five seconds of dubstep and they can go fucking. No one will notice. No one will stop me.

Only podcasters are watching this movie. And then we cut over to mom, Carrotops mom being interviewed here and mom's like, wow, that sexual tension was thick, right? Yeah, between your husband and Ross. Yeah, yeah. And now it is winter, which would seem to promise that this movie is almost over, but it's not. We're going to go to Huntsville, Alabama, and it's time to meet Kelly's parents, her real

parents, her non-spirit family, her non-spirit family. This far into the movie, We're finally finding out. And if you're wondering what kind of people give their 33 year old daughter over to a guy named Ron for an 18th century courtship ritual, you're picturing Kelly's parents. Yup. Yes. So, okay, but this is the crazy part to me. This family, this Christian family in Huntsville, Alabama is the two liberal people that they're

going to shit on in this movie. Yeah. They weren't Christian enough. It's like you're on the subway and there's a homeless person ranting about the aliens inside his skin, but then another homeless person whose pants are on his head starts talking about the aliens underneath his eyeballs. And then the documentary wants us to be like, man, that first guy is not really committing to the bit. Am I right? Yeah. Right. It's like the conspiracy theory, people who have levels of it where there's like, you know, there's the people who are like, yeah,

oh, it's, you know, lizard aliens came down and they control the Illuminati and that's how it all works. And somebody's like, no, that's, it's so stupid, that's ridiculous, but it is the Jews though. Like it is. Totally. How do you get levels there? Yeah, but we do get some of the real backstory here, which I think is interesting, right? Yeah. Because through this conversation, we learned that Kelly's parents got divorced when she was young. No, when she was in college, when she was at college, get over her. Which is young because she's an eight-year-old as a 27-year-old. Yeah. And she took that hard and decided that to avoid that divorce, she would go with a age married system instead. Oh, cussuck it. I knew it five years old. Love wasn't real.

You didn't try on any weird, monastic religions. Yeah, no, I was a monk from like eight to nine, but that was it. Yeah. So now we're going to cut over to Ron, who is giving Ross a call. I'm not making this up podcast listener to see if the fact that Kelly has given away her first kiss is a deal breaker. And he basically says, like, well, I mean, like, I'd prefer her not to. But like if she's already a whore, then I guess that's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. It's spending time with her whore mouth, I guess. Fine. Meanwhile, I need to remind the listener he has straight herbys on his mouth. He really does. The whole booby. You are being lectured by a man handed, being handed, actively

handed AZT throughout the film about your purity. It's very upsetting. This is also where we cut back. And again, her religious family in the middle of Alabama, because the kids have all gone to bed. So it's Kelly's religious family in the middle of Alabama are like, hey, um, the thing you're doing and have been doing for seven years. That's fucking stupid, right? Oh my God, I was very surprised by this part of the movie. I was. I didn't. They looked like people that wouldn't say how they feel. Right. So I thought it was just gonna be this like, because I didn't grow up in a They look like people that wouldn't say how they feel.

So I thought it was just gonna be this, like, because I didn't grow up in a family, my family yelled at each other. So, for me, these quiet families are louder than mine. You know what I mean? Absolutely. The unspoken things in this conversation are screamed at a volume that was never

matched in anywhere else. A thousand percent. Yeah. I turned to my husband and was like, why is everybody yelling? But they're not. They're like hands are in their lap. And, okay, well, I don't agree.

Like, you know, it's fucking crazy. Could you tell your mother to pass the salt and shut her hormones? Exactly. It's like, it's Will Farrell the whole time. Exactly. And her stepdad at this point tries to like see if he can swap in his slave master in an attempt to make her life more normal. He's like, look, if you need someone to represent you like a fucking lawyer for

your pussy, I'll be your pussy lawyer. Please stop living with adults. We're not related to and Kelly's like, no, no, no. But he does try to be like, you know, so what you're saying, Kelly, is that you have an old sack of mayonnaise go on a date with the guy you want to go on a date with first. That's correct. Yep. Yep. And so they have to date this old pedophile sack of mayonnaise. Okay.

You know what? No, I hear it. I think they're fucking. I think they are fucking. Yeah. Oh, that would have been so much better if Kelly just stepped up in the middle of the scene. Oh, Ron's fucking them. Okay. All right.

I'm going to get on Tinder and do some weird stuff. Oh, man, it was the algorithm. Oh, God, I just got caught up in it. And there's also this fantastic moment when she's talking to her mom. And look, they're both Christian, right? Kelly's just more Christian. So Kelly's mom is like, well, what if God's path for you is you finding and meeting guys for yourself.

And Kelly's like, trust me, God wants me to just wait and have Ron pick someone out. And her mom is like, it's not what God told me. I expected her to pull out like a God hand puppet and be like, no, Kelly, get on mesh.com. It's me, God. Yeah. And I mean, honestly, like full disclosure,

this is when this movie got real upset. Because, like, Kelly is troubled, y'all. Oh, yeah. Kelly is hurting. Mm-hmm. Something they don't talk about in this movie, something happened to her, where she decided to shut off. It wasn't the divorce.

She says it's something else happened. Rebecca, what if it was the divorce? This is what we'll want. What if we dig down and Kelly and there's no fucking crying game. She's just like, yeah, dad left and they signed some paperwork. So now we don't, we can dad left and they signed some paperwork. So now we don't we can't. I can't live in a world where Kelly didn't get abducted by aliens and tattooed several times. Okay. Maybe there's just like white people

imbreding. That's a very, very, very, very, very, very, aggressive genes is a great way to describe Kelly. Yep. Have you seen the get out or just get out? Is it called get out? Yeah, yes, yes, grandpa. It's called get out. It's called get out. It's called the internet.

The get out. This feels like that. A little bit. Like a Christian version of that. Like she is the body of a person who wasn't Christian and she had like a piece of brain implanted. Yep. I totally agree. And like she has in this conversation with her mother where her mom's like, okay, so you're just going to sit and wait in a house and not talk to anyone, but hope to find a husband. Am I hearing you correctly? And then she's

like, uh-huh, she has this like last. The laughs. So creepy. Her nose starts bleeding. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. It's lobotomy. Like it's crazy. The laugh is so terrifying. Because we've all been around a person who laughs like that and then change the subject immediately. Where you're like, I mean, I would never go to a church and they're like, and you're like, Oh, anyway, sports movies, literally anything except you crying right now.

Oh, but yeah, she explains to her mom that she is actively way that's not passive. She's actively waiting for God to find her husband. And then she talks about how she can't look into Ross's eyes because she might fall too deeply in love with him. I love, Mom is my favorite here. Her real mom. Yes, agree. A, uses the like God has a plan thing against her

and she gets really, and Kelly gets really confused. She's like, oh, so God has a plan. Doesn't that include me explaining how you're fucking idiot? And Kelly's like, oh, shit. No, no. No. Feels like God would have a plan for you to have a comeback right now.

If that was, no, nothing. Yeah. And then we're gonna close this section with Kelly telling us that she wishes she could tell her family that she's dating someone kind of, but she doesn't want her family to get hurt. Yeah, that is a straight line.

That is a deflection. If I've ever heard one, it's just the weirdest deflection though. She's like, oh, I mean, my mom did tell me that this is a stupid idea and I could just say I'm dating someone, but I don't wanna get there, hopes up about Ross, a guy they've never met. Yeah, it's that Kelly wants to, again, like I said earlier, she wants to shut off. Yep.

She doesn't want any risk at all. Oh boy. Yeah, and the risk is, wrong is gonna eat you bitch. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. All right, well, I think we're long overdue for another break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell.

Is this movie technically a war crime against women? Yes, it is. So we're gonna go ahead and call the Hague really quick. And then we'll back for the big finale. Also notice the spring of a courtship. Gee, Billy, thanks so much for coming over. No problem, Mary. Gosh, you're fun to be around. Billy. Oh, um, hi, I'm just just one. Get in here, big guy. Come on. Hug it out. Oh, we're gonna hug. Oh, um, hi, I'm Mr. Swenson. Get in here, big guy. Come on, hug it out. Come here. Oh, we're gonna hug.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that is so good. That is so good. What the heck? Oh, that is so good. You're hurting me now. It's a lot. It's a lot.

Okay. All right. All right. Hey, Mary, shove over. Shove over. Cow jog, am I right? Mr. Swenson. Oh, I know.

I know. I'm just here to make sure you two have a good time according to the word of Jesus. So what's the plan for the day you two? Well, we were going to watch a movie. Great. Love a movie. Can't wait. Maybe take a walk in the park.

Sure, sure. Walking the park sounds grand. Just the thing about. Oh, what? No, no, we were thinking it would just be us, Mr. Swenson, just two of us. Just us. Oh, sure. Swenson just, just, just us. Yeah. Oh, sure. I, I get it, Doug.

Are you to crowd? Cool. Yeah, thanks for, thanks for understanding, Mr. Swenson. I'll fuck you in ways she's never even dreamed of, Billy. What? I said, no, don't get too silly. Hi, I'm Heathen right. And I'm Eli Bosnick.

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Again, that's AWF UL awful because without it, there will be no free Valentine's stuff. That's awful at Adam and Eve.com. I don't, you shouldn't, it's a, I feel like you gotta get Valentine's Day stuff. Jesus, you're still here. Yeah, man, the show's like two thirds over. Oh, right. Cotton, cotton. Okay. And we're back. And you're probably hoping that these very talented people get to show off some of their art, like maybe their saxophone or their dancing. Well, good news. We open the scene on Kelly's voluntary in-cell dance class. That's just giving away that dance.

Yes. This is amazing because it's hip hop, right? But they're not allowed to do anything remotely sexual. Well, the subtitle said the music was hip hop, so I'm going to assume they intended hip hop. But they can't do any sexual dancing or anything that's hip hoppy. So it's just them like pointing their arms in various directions. It's like, yeah, imagine giving out pamphlets was a dance. They're just like,

you know, pamphlet. But one girl in this class who is my fucking favorite is sexing it up. And Kelly is furious about it. Absolutely. I twitching every time this girl does a kick, it's the best. What's that dance word for a fancy kick? Butt mong. Plomp mong.

Yep, that could be a petite butt mong. Or a ground butt mong. Jute. You never know. Something. Oh, how how how? Exactly. We got it.

We nailed it. And then as if a Christian hip hop class wasn't the most boring possible thing we could watch, we're now going to read their boring Christian chit chat text messages back and forth. For so long, so long. I'm watching people text small talk to each other. It's my fucking nightmare. Yes. Small talk in full complete sentences with population.

It's fucking horrifying. Cause look, I get shit chatting back and forth. And I even get what the documentary makers were going for here. Right? It's like, ooh, look, they're talking. Right. But then it's like, ooh, look, they're talking still, still talking. This has to be satire. This has to be fake. This can't be real. No. And speaking of things that can't be real, now it's time for the home concert.

And I have a very important question. Do either of these people know how to play an instrument? Because it does not seem like they did. Absolutely not. No. Also, Ross plays the soprano sax because there is nothing about this dude that isn't the worst. No thing about him isn't the worst. This is also another terrifying interlude here. So we watch Kelly and Ross bonding for

a little bit. And then the voiceover from mom is like, hey, one of the benefits of this is that Paul, who is 18, is really hitting it off with my 13 year old child. Woof, yep. I'm so angry. It's so horrifying. And so as if to fuck with me some more, we got, we got the terrible music. We got literally watching small talk texting Mm-hmm, and now they're playing with a giant sword and he's explaining his stupid sword to her

And then they're playing with an RC helicopter Broadly with the helicopter that literally the helicopter that I had to work next to at a stupid fucking toy store for way too long Okay helicopter that I had to work next to at a stupid fucking toy store for way too long. Okay. We need to talk about this scene because this is Ron and Ross's dating montage. Yes. And the voiceover is like Ron being like, Oh man, it's so great to have a guy friend who I could just do guy stuff with. And then we watch Ron, who is 40, 50 playing with a helicopter with so much joy on it.

A joy I have never and will never feel inside inside. We're not outside with this helicopter either. No, we're around a China Hutch. Have you ever watched someone shitty do the thing they're obviously meant to do on earth? Right. You got your shitty friend Ralph, who's just like a big fat sack of shit. And then he plays the piano and he lights up and becomes awake and alive and you see the human spirit in him.

That's Ron playing with this shitty helicopter flying in a two foot circle around Ross. Yeah. He looks at the helicopter like he looks all the men that he goes on a date with. So now it's time for tragedy strike. This is insane. Hey, I can't words fucking fail me. We've done 285 episodes. Is the 286th episode of this fucking podcast.

And we're filming that many to describe how fucking stupid their breakup is. Okay, here we go. Ross, this all takes place on Facebook. Ross's friend dies. He's shot in the chest by its little brother by accident, which is very funny. But Ross, it's just, it's a very funny, it's a very funny peripheral image

that they put into our head, right? It's not like a car crash. They're like, yeah, unfortunately my friend was trying to skateboard underwater and he got eaten by a dick piranha. You're just like, ah, that really throws off the vibe. And Ross gets on Facebook and in his Facebook post, he says that his friend getting shot in the chest was part of God's plan.

And Kelly's spiritual mom, Caratops mom, isn't so sure about someone who believes that death could be a part of God's plan, they think God allows evil, but that it's not necessarily a part of his plan. God causing manslaughter by your little brother is different than God allowing it. It's literally the same thing if it's an omnipotent being. That's there's no difference. There's no distinction. There's nothing.

This is like two people having a screaming fight over pathfinder and 3.5. There's nothing. There's no difference here. I get that. Yeah. Okay. You know what? Tough but fair.

Tough but fair. Also, by the way, I skipped a lot of the scene because I was just like, yep, okay, we're on Facebook and these are people on Facebook. I'm looking them up on Facebook. No, don't do it. He's don't do it. Don't tell them. I did.

I found them. They're real. They're people on Facebook. Kelly. I found them too. Kelly Bogus is on Facebook. She's mostly selling a star fruit guava energy drink that's clearly part of an MLM. No question about it. I even know what MLM it is. Oh, do you name it? Yeah, but

she's very clearly for a specific MLM gross. Yeah. And Ron is selling all the crap in their house now with the hashtag downsizing for Jesus. Yep. That includes a beer brewer, cooker, fryer, boiler, canner, seafood, boil, party device that he owns. Oh my God, I want that. Yeah. That one actually sounded kind of interesting. Be honest. His latest post is February 1st of this year, February 1st, 2021. It says Kelly moved out this week after 17 years, 17 years, which heath, we just have to admit, you did just spoil the movie. Kelly lives with these people for 17 years and never made 71.

17 years until age 43. That's a prison sentence. Wait, that can't be right. No, it's I can. The movie came out in 2015 and she was 33, but she'd already been living with them for seven years when the movie came out. Right. But she's 33 five years ago, six years ago.

Rebecca, you have uncovered their lives this is satire. Oh, God. Unless it was that they shot it like in 2010 and finally got it released in 2015. That would make it make sense. Damn it. It's not satire. It's possible. Yeah. And by the way, I have some notes on Kelly's Facebook because I went deep deep into Kelly's

Facebook. Oh my God, you have to tell us. But I'm saving them for the end because you can't you can't think about any other moment in this movie. Once you know the things about Kelly's Facebook that I reveal at the end of our review. So yeah, just just tell now, because I gotta go. I think she lives now in the same town as ReasonCon. Yes, she does.

North Carolina lives in Hickory, North Carolina. Yeah. We got to go visit her. We got next time. We got to get, we have to make ReasonCon happen again. We got to talk to the ReasonCon people. Make them do it again just so we can go go bother Kelly. Yes. Get her. Maybe she could be a keynote. So yeah, the point of all this is that Kelly disagrees with Ross's post about whether or not God

allows bad things to happen or just watches them and does nothing is an omnipotent being. And so maybe they're not going to get together after all. We watch them email back and forth. Like they're in the Civil War. And then at the end of the scene, wouldn't you know it, Ross starts ghosting her or perhaps holy ghosting her, if you will. She's just busy just fizzy on eight-chan. Yeah, she's getting ghosted here for believing in free will. Yep, that's the argument. But also she doesn't. She argued with her mother that she doesn't believe in free will. She does not. She actively, passively waits for herself to have free will. It's very confusing.

Very. But we watch this happen again. We watch a Facebook fight in a movie. We watched filming of watching somebody watch the Nutcracker suite. We watched texting happen slowly. Now we watch a literal Facebook fight happen. And they spend like conservatively five minutes, we watch them type at real speed into Facebook. And during this, there is the sound of dial up.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the dial up. King. Yeah, that's the dial up into it. King, cookie. So now it's time for Ross to break the bad news to the real love of his life. Ron. He meets Ron on a diner and I gotta say if this entire movie is worth it for one thing,

it's worth it for when Ross shows up and Ron aggressively insists on a hug before their conversation. And as he's struggled to get out of the booth, it's a really good hug. You give really great hugs. Has anybody ever told you that? People have made it out of escape rooms sometimes easier and more quickly than Ron makes it out of this booth. He was a fucking Houdini. But yeah, he gets out of the booth, Ross breaks the bad news to Ron that Kelly doesn't believe in free will or does or whatever the fuck they're fighting about. And so they're not going to date. And Ron's immediate response is, I really like you Ross.

I really like you and you and me can still fucking hang out, right? And yes, they can. Yeah, Ross is like, sure, man, we're we're still pals. Yeah. And he's like, oh, good. Cool. I'll just let Kelly know that you're, um, you're breaking up with her and you won't marry her and you don't care about her first kiss or whatever. But I'm so glad I get to play with your helicopter, man. I was so afraid. This is so great. I wasn't glad I get to play with your helicopter man. I was so afraid. I was so afraid. I wasn't gonna get to play with your helicopter again. By the way, also, Hulk cradling his chin in his hand

when he's at Ross, rubbing the handle of his coffee cup. Hard as a rock. Just sexually opening up 12 cremers for his one coffee that we get a shot of that he actually has. It's gross. Yeah, this is the happy ending in the movie that the movie doesn't realize they create it. Yeah. Ron Ross happily ever after.

Yep. Lauren R. But we also see Kelly. It's so dark. We see Kelly responding to this news of like, oh, man, I'm not determinist or I am and he's not or whatever the fuck. And she's weeping again, but then she's like, oh, wait, hold on, maybe, maybe this is a trick. Maybe it's like, they're setting up a big surprise party about how he really does love me.

They're setting up a big surprise party about how he really does love me. Oh, that's so where she's like, but he said, like, I know that we didn't waste any time, but like, why did we ever sit at the same table while holding instruments if we weren't going to get married? I have emails proving that free will is not a deal breaker. I have emails. He loves me. proving that free will is not a deal breaker. I'm in house. He loves me. We talked about meat. Yeah. This can't mean anything.

And by the way, this scene is concluded with Ron comforting her by going, don't worry, you can live here forever. And she does turns out. Yep. So now it's spring. Don't worry. There's no conclusion of this movie. It's just spring.

Mom tells us that Kelly's fine now. Kelly does not tell us she's fine now. And then we get the post credits to the movie. It goes dark. And the title credits tells us that Kelly has never met anyone living with Ron and Terrett Top's mom. And it has been 10 years and this my friends is when I looked up Kelly on Facebook and scrolled and scrolled until I found her posts about the release for the GoFundMe for this

documentary. What? Which she was hoping would be a fictional movie about a girl who meets her Prince Charmy and gives away her first kiss, but turned into a documentary about a lonely, unlovable piece of shinshius? Oh my god. Oh my god. She thought she was going to be an actress in this movie. They made a documentary about her instead without her knowing it. And if you go back, here's the darkest thing.

If you go back enough in her Facebook, you can watch her realize in real time on social media that it's actually a documentary about how lonely and terrible her life is. And then the very next post is you should buy some of this kiwi star fruit and the awesome fried bullshit. Wow. And that my friends is the end of the movie. Jesus Christ. All right. Last thing before we wrap it up. What's the tagline for this movie documentary? Fake movie documentary? A courtship, hopefully. Help. My number Saying the quiet part quieter. All right. Well, that does it for our review of a courtship, but that's not going to do it for the episode

just yet because we have another movie next week. It's pretty amazing. We just found out about this new release Eli. What's on deck? Well, as we record this podcast, the my pillow guy, Mike Lindell has released a two hour documentary that he said was going to be three hours long called absolute proof that is absolute proof of election fraud. And if ever we had a bat signal here on God awful movies, it's when Mike Lindell makes a documentary. So we'll be watching absolute proof. Also, I do have a spoiler. Really? He totally gives away his first kiss.

I thought you were going to say spoiler, Joe Biden wins the election. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 286 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Rebecca for joining us again. And if anyone wants to hear more from you, where can they go? They can just go to my Instagram at who is Rebecca Vigil or if they want tickets to my show on February 13th at 8 p.m. Eastern, go to yourlovearmusical.com. Fantastic. Check it out.

It's so good. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com, slash god awful. And then I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help out by leaving us good reviews. And by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheists, Citation Needed, the Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off of movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of Pian Dratores.

Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of People Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For our back of the video and Eli Bosnick, I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. Breakfast.

Breakfast. Breakfast. Ron and Ross lived happily ever after. Star Fruit and Guava support the body's natural nitric oxide production. The little girl with the Civil War wedding was found January 6th at the Capitol. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! All right, are you ready with your squirrel noises? No. This is so stressful. What do they sound like?

I don't know, squeaky and like, and shuffly. Squeaky and shuffly? That's in my head. Perfect. Perfect. That's a nice drink. Squirrel. I'm doing the squirrels from Sornin' the Stone.

Excellent. Fantastic. The choice, acting wise. Thank you. You hear my dog. I can't. Oh, wait. Stop eating.

Stop eating? Yeah, we can hear chewing on the recording. What's your name? Elwee the recording. What's your name? Elise. Nice. What kind of dog? She's half cattle dog half cordy. Oh, that's excellent.

So stupid, small legs. Love it the best. Yeah, and a giant tail. Why cotton is what we yell? It's a vine from the early 2000s where this guy blows a big cloud of vape smoke and then goes cotton. Topical, cool, thank you. Nobody is going to have any idea what that is.

Like, like, we say cotton. We're back. Have you heard of this thing? No, I've never heard of this thing? No, I've never heard of this. No, nobody's heard of this thing. She's lying because of how relevant it is. Yeah, it's, it's too relevant. I mean, I have a cotton tattoo, but that's a whole new one.

That's a different, different cut. All right, you can stop there. A different vine. Is related to a different defunct social media platform. Okay, yeah, that guy who never kissed anyone has mouth her beast. Uh-huh. Ain't Alinguist technically isn't kissing. Wait, okay, so oh, I did, I read this one. Oh, I thought you were going to push back on whether

that counts. Oh, the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021 all right reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021 all rights reserved.