God Awful Movies - 290: Drive Angry

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

On this week's episode: Eli and Heath are joined by Tom and Cecil of Cognitive Dissonance for an atheist review of Drive Angry, known for its MASTERFUL performances by Nicolas Cage and William Fichtner. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Check out more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance.

But my friends, if you watch these scenes closely, you will see who I believe is the moral center of the movie, which is Fat Extra who wrote too many Satan symbols on himself in Sharpie, right to wipe it off, but then he started shooting. He's gonna star in an upcoming scene, but he does appear in this crowd shot at first. Yes. And he is the hero American. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! God awful!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Booby, booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby.

Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Booby, booby. Bosnick Eli. How's it going? Fantastic. He really? Yeah. Eli is fantastic. And sitting in Barack Hussein Obamas Chicago. You know him as the upside down weight and garrif of cognitive dissonance. We have veteran guest maskists, Cecil and Tom gentlemen. Thanks for joining us. Thank you so much for having us on this wonderful podcast of yours.

We very much appreciate it. You are welcome. I'm here because Noah said I had to. I said you had to. I'm bold said I had to. I don't want to get in trouble. All right. Let's just get right into it.

Cecil, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched Drive Angry. It's a hundred and four minute chase fight scene with a dash of Satan. That's a tiny little dash, a little little splash. TLDW done. You know, I think that was so good. We can just call them dead. Let's get drinks and forget it all. We're going to run 103 minutes of your life right there. Wow. Speaking of which, Tom, how bad was this movie? Bad enough that to figure out how long it takes to get out of hell, you only need to check

the runtime for the movie, which again is 104 minutes. It's a 104, yeah. And is there anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the best at being the worst at 100% best worst fight sexy. Yes, it is. That is correct. It's the best. It's the best because you do not see a derogged Nicholas Cage.

That is why it's the best. Best worst portrayal of the seemingly infinite resilience of the human body. They just, yeah. All right, I was going to go with best worst IMDB trivia. And there's some great ones. Here's two of my favorites. First of all, Nicholas Cage wanted to shave his head for the movie and have a tattoo covering his entire skull for the whole movie. And they had to talk him out of it. Why did they talk him out of that?

I know. We're mullets. That would have been amazing. They gave him a receding hairline mullet instead. Like that would have taken the audience out of the movie. Yeah, right. Right back. Every time I see that.

Also, one of the main reasons Nick Cage took this movie was because of the scene when he gets shot in the eyeball, because apparently in season of the witch, also a Cage movie from the same year, there was an eyeball thing that was supposed to happen and it got cut from the movie. So Cage was like, nice, I still get my eyeball thing. I need like an eyeball thing once you, nice. I still get my eyeball thing. I need an eyeball thing once you. Okay. It's in my rider. Having been shot in the eye, I could raise my hand and say, like, that's not something you actually want in your life.

Sorry. Did you say having been shot in the eye? I was shot with a baby gun in the eye, teaching Cub Scouts firearms safety. Yeah, he still doesn't see correctly. That's the reason I wear glasses. It ruined my left eye. Everybody welcome on who's got master Dick Kenny. He's gonna be helping us out with safety. All right. And Eli, you got a best worst.

Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst. I'm just describing what's happening in mind. You know, we work hard here at God awful movies to come up with fun little twists on the English language, little bone mose to make you chuckle, if you will. This week I am just describing what happens and that is the key. In fairness, what the fuck else are you going to do with this movie? I tried to like, so now Nick, I can't make a joke about what Nick Cage is doing, he's doing.

This is a whole movie, consistent, just slapping whoever's next to you. Did you see that? Yeah. At all. All right, well, I have a very intricate bathing ritual before I talk about Nicklo's cage. So I'm gonna make that happen while we take a quick break. And then we're back to tell you all about drive angry.

All right, Nick, remember what we talked about. I'm gonna be allowed to wear my sunglasses in saw. Nope, nope, the other thing. I didn't invent karate, stop saying idea. Nope, nope, well, I mean, yes, stop doing that. But for right now, just remember, don't say yes until I tell you to, all right? Right, got, stop doing that. But for right now, just remember, don't say yes until I tell you to, all right?

Right, got it. Got it. Okay. The cage. Don't do that either. Gentlemen. Jerry, Mr. Cage, thanks so much for making time, guys. We really hope you end up being able to just do this project

with us. I'm really excited about it. I'm in. God damn it. What did I just say? What? A mint. Mr. Cage said he would like a mint. God damn it. What did I just say? What? What? A mint.

Mr. Cage said he would like a mint. Oh, please. It's like he said, I mean, I'm in. He wants a mint. Ah, okay. Well, here you go. Okay. So the movie, it's called Drive Angry.

And it's going to be. Oh, man. Yes, you will. Nick, you will eat that mint that you just got and you're going to be playing Milton, the man who escaped from hell to avenge his daughter and save his granddaughter from a satanic cult. You guys sold me. When do we shoot on these mince? When do we shoot more mince into our mouths? And the answer is now, Nick right now. Okay. So anyway, it's gonna be in 3D. I will do. Don't get higher. I will be in the film. Yes.

Is the answer to whether or not I will take part. He he was just what Mr. Cage means. Yeah, we'll do the fucking movie. So glad to have you on board, Nick. So happy to hear it. You won't regret it. I invented karate. Now you didn't. Tsk. Psh. Ah. Jesus.

Eli, what are you doing under the toilet? What is under the toilet? What? Hey, Cecil, that's it. I'm gonna murder you. That is all. No, no, I'm your Tushy. That's not better.

Man, that's worse than no. No, no, no. Not that Tushy. The Hello Tushy 3.'s not better. Man, that's worse than no, no, no, no, no, not that Tushy. The Hello Tushy 3.0 Modern Badei Attachment. It's stylish, eco-friendly, easy to install and affordable. Wait, wait, they make a Badei that's not like a thousand dollars or super complicated. They do. It attaches to your existing toilet, requires no electricity or additional plumbing, and

it cuts toilet paper used by 80%. So the Hello Tushy Bade pays for itself in a few months. Plus every Hello Tushy Bade attachment comes with a 60 day risk free guarantee and a 12-month warranty. Wow, that does actually sound really good. It is. And right now, you can go to HelloTushy.com slash awful to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners.

Go to HelloTushy.com slash awful for 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners. Go to HelloTushy.com slash awful for 10% off. HelloTushy.com slash awful. You know what do you like? I think I just might, but if the HelloTushy 3.0 is so cheap and easy, why why are you hiding behind the toilet? I love you. Okay. Leave. And we're back. And we're going to start with some logos from a professional film team. Right. So these are movies from like the Christian dairy council of Shaboy again. I was truly impressed by the artwork on this. Like nobody got physically injured. It appeared. So it's just like a bed of construction paper that a little thing is pushing across

the screen or whatever. It's none of that. It looks, it actually looks real on this one. It's good. Yeah. And we're going to start with a car escaping from the gates of what I'm pretty sure is Bowser's fire castle from a goblin prison. Nick Cage is jumping a 70s Cadillac out of a goblin prison to stay. It's a great fucking start to a movie. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. It does, it does look very realistic. Like it does not at all have a ring of, I mean, just the, that's just the authenticity

alone. I think must have paid extra for that for the realist one college kid to animate that in his lunch break. We also get a VO from Nick Cage here. And he's like bad ass motherfuckers are never fast enough in the end. They will all be accounted for. And I love that first of all, but I'm pretty, pretty sure it's Nick Cage talking at craft services in real life. You want the last bagel. You can have the last bagel. There's no need to monologue like that.

Also I have something to talk about. About this movie. It's really important to me spiritually. Yeah. And I just need to get this out there. This movie was shot for 3D. And released in theaters in 3D. And they just stopped making the 3D version of it.

As you watch this movie, when things fly towards the screen, it's very important that you remember that was meant to be viewed in 3D. Yeah, but the whole, I will say to you, like this movie reminds me like why the whole 3D effect is not in use. I wanted to gouge out one eye to lose depth perception. So as not to accidentally see something and fuck it in 3D effect is not in use. I wanted to gouge out one eye to lose depth perception. So it's not accidentally see something and fucking 3D. What do you mean they stopped? Make like, they did a couple scenes that worked for 3D and they were like, ah, fuck it. And then they just made the rest of the movie. Yeah. So if you watch it, very clearly the beginning

of the movie and the very end of the movie are in 3D. Yeah. And that is it. Well, there's like two other shots and they're in the middle. It's always the bullet shoots are the ones that come out and they like come at your face real slow like bullets do. So yeah. So now we're going to cut over to Nick Cage chasing some bad guys. Yes. That guy drives like Eli chasing some bad guys. Yes. That guy drives like Eli, the first guy, okay, so he comes from the corner.

He clips the curb, right? He clips the curb, then he, for no fucking reason, swerves three times, driving on the road. Nothing's happening behind him. And then he spins out without stopping in this, the like at a stop sign as if someone had dropped a venomous snake on the floor and he was trying to step on it and then hit some of the pedals also known as going to the airport with the light. That's and then he parks and backs out slowly through a three branch about 20 feet long. Get his mind with it.

Great. That's law. Yeah. It's right next to him. Yeah. I would love nothing more than to see an action movie, like a car chase action movie with Cecil in the passenger seat, just shaming somebody for their driving. Then halfway through the car chase, pull over I'm driving. It gets a lot of takes the wheel drives. I'll make you get through this. Absolutely. Patriot goal. One dollar. No, we've got a lot of money to put in a car with

you. No amount of money to put in a car. Drive badly with you. So he catches those bad guys, gets some information from them. And now we're going to cut over to fat Louise roadside diner. Oh, wait a minute. I're going a little fast. I've got no fast. There's some more stuff. There's some more stuff. I want to say my favorite part of this whole explosion blowups thing because at one point, the truck down the road, Nick Cage spins his car out. And then a car drives our truck drives in a Nick Cage's front end. Yeah. And then flips and over and as if we've sort of created creatively decided how physics work in this movie is creating me vibranium in this moment. We take you creative license with physics in this movie. Yeah. Like the car it must be made out of

like anvils or something. The car is a trick right. The car doesn't budge. Yet I presume the hell car is now damaged beyond repair because it's never used again. He leaves it. He has no band in the hell car because it was in an accident, but it clearly did not mind being in that accident. Actually, yeah, now I'm thinking about it. There was just like a mediocre Cadillac in hell.

So, yeah, it sounds, it's like just a car from fucking Cuba that got lifted. It's like old and not very good, but whatever. And more importantly, later in the movie, it will be revealed that this is Satan's car. It's not even say it doesn't Satan bring his own car that's different from this. This is a shitty car that was like parked somewhere in hell. And he was like, I'm taking this. I shouldn't have left my keys in there. This place is full of crux.

He jumps in the car and just pulls the visor down there right there all the time. Now I'm just picturing Satan being all racist on next door. All right, I don't want to be the guy that has to say this. But as anyone noticed, there's a lot of smur smur. Also, one other important thing from this scene before we move on, Nick Cage reveals that his quest here is to find the girl. So that's important. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very specific. And also he steals the Nazis bag of McGuffin, which will matter.

Yes, you mean? Also, at one point shoots like a tire arm out of the dude's hand, but that guy is so dedicated. He picks that tire arm up with the other hand to go in and get the other hand. Sean, all right. Now I'll get him. Okay. So then the guys like stand, okay, fine, you win. You win this round, Nick Cage.

Well, call it a little stonk. Thank you, coward. Now here is a fun game to play with Nick Cage's lines throughout this movie. If you pretend that Nick Cage has not seen the script except for the lines he says, all of his lines make sense because he's finding out the plot at the same time. I don't get to pretend that. It says here. A Nick Cage movie pretend that. That's the thing. It's a dickhead. A Nick Cage movie. Yeah.

It's the Nick Cage method of method acting, actually. It's the whole thing for, are we just gonna like, we're just gonna ignore, I just hold it real quick. We're just gonna ignore the music. The music that this movie opens with is so 80s hair metal, the fucking hair spray stung my eyes. I had to pause the movie.

I love ripping this movie if I'm being honest Jesus wait, why? In it that's it. I'm fighting you send me your address. I was so it makes you so happy and it's not what are you talking about? Cain flashback your fucking neighbor shitty garage band. Yeah, exactly. I've been a lot of cocaine in the 80s when I was six This is the waitress won't give he turned on. So he's going to put this on the jukebox and swing back and forth to it aggressively in the quarter. So now we're going to cut over to fat Louise roadside diner where the star of the movie Amber heard with the $500 haircut works as a waitress. That's the part you see is on that's unbelievable about her character. I'm just saying it's the first thing that is on the fair. Right. So Nick Cage is on a mission to get some

information, right? So he sits at a table and a different waitress comes over and he's like, you've ever heard of stillwater marsh or deacon's tree and she's like, dude, what do you always talk like, I just walked over. We're in Colorado. You need like what the name like, coffee and eggs now. What do you do? But apparently she has information about those places or whatever. He's going to find the girl.

Two states away. Yeah. She knows exactly what he's talking about. And they do a little bit of kissing. Oh, yeah. But they do kiss and Nick Cage is a crazy person style. Yes, they do. This actress, by the way, I snubbed for the Oscar.

She was amazing. She is one supposed to pretend to be attracted to Nick Cage, which is physically impossible to do. Absolutely. He is. He's an attractive man. You know, you're convincing me at the very least, a golden globe, I think you're on, you're on to something here.

You guys are attracted to Nick Kate. Get out of here. Two wires. She's supposed to do that thing in movies where people who are attracted rub their hands together and interlock their fingers, but Nick Cage is a cootal, caboodle. So he oversees to hand wrestle her throat. Oh, he totally does. He immediately turns into this crazy dance fight.

Oh, it's weird. She has no idea what to fucking do. This actress kisses Nick Cage out of desperation for her wrist tendons. And good thing he was about to take a bite out of her wrist tendons. I love it when she goes, it's a full moon tonight and she's trying to flirt with him, but she's just like, I would like to have sexual intercourse with you because it's full moon tonight. Yeah, he goes full moon is in two days, you idiot.

Whatever. You know, crazy wrist fight and they do and then they make out. Yeah. And then he takes an angry sip of coffee right in your face. He's still inches from hers. Oh, like a victory sip of coffee. It was so weird. It's missing the clues so much. It's like a girl. I kind of been like, wow, you kind of look like Brad Brad Pitt. You idiot. What are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? Now, do you want to reenact this high school wrestling match with our hands or not? Hold on, I got to put my head piece on it. We're going to do this. And we're getting my onesy in the bathroom. Again,

this is just Nick Cage normal experience at diners in real life. Like 100%. Absolutely having weird wrist fights. He's yelling at people. Yeah. And attractive women and diners are definitely hitting on guys who look like they're, you know, a pair of crocs socks in a fucking lawn mower away from being suburban dad with a fucking mullet. This guy is not oozing fucking sex appeal at all. She's fucking throwing it at him. It makes a lot of sense. And Nick Cage is oozing a lot of things. One might argue it's the only thing he's not doing. So he gets the weird directions that she happens to have short order cook, grabs Amber Hertz, Tushy.

So she like, for giving away free muffins. I mean, you can't give away free muffins. That's right. Exactly. We have a fucking in and out list. You want to, you know, we got to make sure we have given it to the card. We run it through the system. A few minutes, you know what I mean? We got you got to be and she's got a hard to goal because of that. Yeah, look, waitress. We established

as a penalty. Give away muffins. I grab your ass. You give away a free coke. You got a blooming. It's on the list. I'm reminded I write a list. I got a menu. Yeah. But she beats the fuck out of them and quits, which is really fun. Yeah, quits. The most realistic scene in that entire I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I It's happening. I don't know. Oh, good.

Just this, the soundtrack to this is actually subtitled songs Heath Christ too. These are songs Heath plays while he's doing his bathing ritual. Exactly. No one asked about the bathing ritual. But then the car, we need a reason for her to meet Nick Cage. So the car, we need a reason for her to meet Nick Cage. So the car immediately breaks down. I don't know how this happens or why this happens to be fair. The only car I've ever been in that broke down is the time I was in heaths 93 Honda and

it burst into flames. Sweet Dodge charger that has licensed play drive angry is very fast. And a bumper sticker that says, I break for pussy because this movie was written by basement dwelling in cells. Yeah. Yeah. This is a love letter of a fucking screen play for people that have never touched a titty in their entire life.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I will say though, the cinematographer genuinely knows how to shoot Amber Heard in her Dacy Dukes. He does an amazing job of very, very nice job. There's a couple of low shot scenes there, shot from behind show. He's definitely that guy earned his pay for the day. That's what he went to the Megan Fox Transformers work. It's the same scene. It's the same scene. He's doing the cool

hand. It's fun. Let me just bend alluringly at the waist. Well, stole it from Citizen Kane. He's from Citizen Kane is right now. I really want to shot in with cage and it. No, I want Orson Wells like bending over a dodge charger in shorts. Just, you know, you tell me how that's a sentence and I'll blow you.

Such a deep cut. We, anyone under the age of 50 who doesn't watch cartoons like what the fuck? But Nick Cage stops by because he happens to be wandering in that direction and offers to both fix the car and not murder her. So, um, nice. Yeah, good deal. And evidently, whatever is wrong with her car can be fixed by twisting your wrist at it. Like she had a repair that required no tools and

no parts. He just reached it. It was like, oh, somebody just didn't screw in your flux capacitor. Oh, here's the problem. You got to press the fixed button. It's right. Oh, there's an easy button from staff right under here. Let me go ahead and hit that. It's set to off. I'll just turn the card to all. I'm gonna go. I'm thinking, care. We got to reboot here real quick.

And then it'll work fine. Problem is you left a smoke machine under your hood. That's never shouldn't do that. And now it's time for William. Oh my God. Motherfucking, bitch, you're my friends. He is a genius. Whose name you don't recognize, but you should because he fucking rules. He's great and everything he's ever done.

He is. And he does. He manages to do his entire performance in this movie. Ironically, he makes hard. I contact with me. Eli Bethesda Rosenberg Bosnick. He's tired. Oh, yeah. Look, now I'm doing this movie, right? Oh, look at me. Do this movie. I love being in this movie. But it's still so good.

He's amazing. He's genuinely amazing in this movie. He shows up and he walks up to lose diner and Lou and that waitress who was trying to fuck Nick Kager outside. And he's like, Hey, fat fuck. And who's like, what did you say? He's like, I said, Hey, fat fuck. I could call you dead fat fuck. He's a really long pause in there. It's so good. Very, very long paws. But that scene inexplicably that happens a half a second after he walks up

and randomly helps that waitress throw the garbage in the dumpster. I just think that was like a reflex from just a polite guy like that in the screenplay. It was like, wait a minute, I just can have to use trash. I'm doing a movie. God, okay.

All right, let it, you know what? I feel like that's organic. Like let's keep it in there. Let's keep rolling. Keep shooting, let's go. This scene plays like there's going to be an action bit, right? That's the proving. Yeah. Hey, fat fuck. Would you say to me, whoah, karate skills, except, no, fucking Louis is just like, well, all right, that's fair. No, you know, like you were a drag. That's me. Fat Lou. I would prefer you didn't call me dead fat. That's me. Fat Lou. I would prefer you didn't call me dead fat. It's 10 30. My shifts over. I'm going to go home and take a nap and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry. So yeah, I'm a fat fuck. What do you

want? You canceled on Twitter William Finish. He also introduces himself as the accountant here. He's the accountant and we never really find out what that means. And I think we find out what that means. Well, because he goes and gets all the lost souls from hell, the way that, right, accountants find all the lost. The way that a CPA would preside over the realm of hell. Maybe just because he was like doing the tally of how many guys are supposed to be in hell and he's like, wait a minute, there's one missing. I gotta be honest, I'm more scared of our actual accountant than I am.

This account. I was gonna say our accountant Tony is fucking terrifying. He was just over email and I was scared. I was scared of his email. To be fair, Heathilton, you have to remember, every time you've ever spoken to our accountant, Tony, it is because he has recently spoken to me and attempted to do my business. Yeah, you're not allowed to use Tony anymore. He called me a dead fat fuck. Yeah, but he helped me with the garbage.

So I mean, when some lose some. Yeah. So yeah, now we come back to the car. Nick Cage is asking Amber heard if her boyfriend is nice. It's so weird to do. Like you would just stay with him if he was abusive, right? I mean, you wouldn't leave them, right? You just stay with him, right?

I mean, come on, let's not be stupid here. You live in a trailer park, lady. Your choice is really aren't that big. You gotta be able to let this boil for choice. Yeah, her answer is equally weird though. She's like, Oh, is he a nice guy? I know that's like a really, that means no, by the way. Anyone ever answers that question?

Yeah, she's mowling help me the whole time. That's terrible. Yeah, that scene is alsoing help me the whole time. Yeah, that's seen as also awesomely believable. She's like, well, I look like this, but I don't have a lot of other options. And it's important to realize that the accountant is now chasing Nick Cage and therefore also Amber heard, right? Yes, right. So when he showed up at the diner, he's like, I'm looking, I'm looking for this guy, 6, 1, 40 years old. He's supposed to be Nick Cage, but Cage is 47 when this movie happened and he's, he's six feet nuts.

Six, one. So he rode himself in to be one inch tall. Seven years ago. Hey, hey, you can add an extra inch when you're describing you get to add one extra inch. That's just, that's a giving it. You guys let Tom Cruise stand on a box. I just, and to prove to that boyfriend's no good, wouldn't you know it, but Amber herd is going to walk in on her man, fucking another person.

That's right. And I want to say that whatever happens in this scene, I miss it because my wife, my bride, my soulmate and life partner put her face a quarter of an inch next to mine and said, bibs, bibs. Bibs. For four straight minutes. So I missed everything that happened in this.

That is love. You're right, boss. That is love. Did you guys happen to see my bloody Valentine, another movie that was 3D and directed by the same director as this piece of shit? No. Because I did and it has the same full frontal fist fight.

Like it, it's seriously in the opening part of my bloody Valentine, it's like, well, I definitely want to have a completely naked woman getting her ass kicked, like physically beating a fucking naked woman. I don't want to make any movie where there are no naked women not getting beaten. It's a weird calling card. But yes, that's what we get right here. I got to be honest though, this woman that Amber heard holes off of her boyfriend and then beats the fuck out of her, the woman is completely naked and arguing back like like making points, which

is a lot of respect. Switching that power dynamic and being like part of the argument while you're naked and you just got pulled off a fuck. That's pretty impressive. Yeah, absolutely. And then Amber Hurd's boyfriend, he doesn't like how, you know, mouth he's getting. So he goes to give her a weapon, but don't worry, Nick Cage comes in and does the fight choreography that 47 year old. Yeah. Yeah. Again, it's an action movie beat, right?

Where he's supposed to be like, whoa, whoa. But instead the guys just like, oh, you stood near me, Nick Cage. I'm asleep now. There. Yeah. The cinematographer, I was applauding earlier when he had his beautiful shots of Amber Heard also has a very wonderful back zit shot here where he pulls away from Stone Cold Steve Austin and he's got the thing in the back where you can see the back zits. And I'm like, okay, no, I think we want to pass on the back zits.

More Amber Heard in the shot. Let's shirtless, tiny stone cold Steve Austin, I think we need a lot less of that. I just want to point out that that same guy gets beat to ship by Nick Cage because he mostly doesn't fight back while Nick Cage hits him slowly. And then an air conditioner falls on his face. Yep. Yeah. I need to point that out because later he'll reappear fine. Yeah. Yeah.

You got a black eye from that. Yeah. He got a shiner when an air conditioner fell onto his fucking face. He was beaten unconscious and then air conditioner. Obliq angle. No, it's not though. We watch it happen. It falls directly onto his face.

Yeah. Where else are you supposed to put conditioner other than your head, though, Tom? It's ridiculous. It only hurts him if you repeat. Yeah. He's just keep dropping thing out of space. He wakes up with two shiners. He's just like, thing out of space. He wakes up with two shiners. He's just like, no, I'm fine.

But a beautiful long head of hair. He's got an incase his hair. He's like, no. Well, I wanted to shave it and put a tattoo on there, but, oh, I'm your Venus. So now we cut to them driving at night and it's time for Nick Cage to remember Something that didn't happen to Yeah, we get a flashback and this terrible thing happens, but Cage isn't there and he's the one in the flashback

Okay, but the cultists at this point are chanting and I swear to God, they're chanting. Oh, God. They are absolutely. The Cee, they closed captioning agrees with you. They were chanting, Toga. So Heath, you were a little coy just now about what happens during this flashback. Would you explain the, um, the inciting incident of the film for us? I, is this the incite?

There's an incitement to, there's a reason this movie happens and this is it right here. Okay. We'll say this is the incite. Walker audience in person. Sping ex-position, guys. So yeah, we're watching a flashback

of a woman having her baby stolen by what we find out is a cult leader, satanic cult leader. Yeah. And then he kills her too. Why does he kill her, he thin right? Okay. Is it later revealed that he wants a blow job and he tries to force her to give him a blow job, but then he doesn't get it up and she laughs a little bit.

And then he kills her. Is that what that was? No, she bites his, she bites his penis off. What? Yeah. That's been, it was referenced many times in the movie. Yeah. Many times in the movie, Nicholas Gates will be listening to the death.

I was listening to the movie. He killed my daughter because she banished penis off. I mean, like it's genuinely, yeah. Multiple times. And he's really aware of this. I feel like they like call him Commander Nubbins, like half the movie. Like I mean, yeah, absolutely. That's why he shoots that guy in the church later, because that guy like mentioned

so little. Oh, is that why they keep saying dickless? Now I get so much more. Okay. I thought they were just like using that over and over because whoever wrote this was like dickless is the best put down Podcast listener put yourself in our shoes who watched this movie and At the pole of nothing see Nicholas cage his face then seepia tone

Woman has her baby stolen woman bites a dick off woman has her throat slit And the movie just not acknowledge what the fuck that was for another 45. That's true. That's true. And again, they're implying that Nick Cage would have been like just sitting off the side doing nothing about this watching because he's having the flashback. We'll get to that in a second. Yes. I don't think they explain it. I don't think they explain it.

I think what it is is that when you're, because he kind of explains it, like I guess when you're in hell, there's TV, but there's only one channel and it's bad things that happen to people you love. And that's why you get to watch. Oh, he's flashing back to a hell of TV. That doesn't make sense in the play. Yeah, right. He just has to watch all the times.

Like, what's on? They totally tie up that Lucen they really did they talked all of it is all tucked in really well throughout the whole movie. Wow. Screenwriting 101. Exactly. So we cut out of the doodly do and Nick Cage is like, sorry, I was on vampire doodly do. Yeah.

We're just driving together. You like the windows up a little bit, or how do you like them? You're like, just right to your station, yeah. Oh, so by the way, my name is Milton. Like, paradise lost, I don't know if you know that, John Milton. It's pretty apt.

Terribly clever. Anyway, it's not the only insult then Webster shows up. And they're just like, literary references. And you're just like, no, you didn't do anything with any of them. You just know two names. Yep. That once wrote things and you never, how amazing would it be though if Amber heard it

just been like, oh, what other things of John Milton do you know? Nick Adrian just be like, hats. Serial. That's cereal. Bored gate Brad, that's Bradley. Stupid. So they pull up to a bar called Bull by the balls. And this is the first time that the movie will hint at the fact that Nick Cage is dead. Yeah.

Because he'll walk in and some guy will be like, hey, I thought you were dead. And he's like, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, that's for later in the moment. But they also have like a Jerry Seinfeld Newman moment where he looks up and he's like, Newman. Like there's some moment, right?

There's just a weird moment. It's like when I open the door and Eli Bosnick is standing on him, just like, Jesus Christ. Why are you here? Oh, there he is. Why are you here? Buddy brunch. So they go into the bar and they sit down and Nick Cage clearly demanded to be carted

in the movie. Yeah, absolutely. Just cards him. And that not only does she cart him, it's the weirdest scene because she cards him and he like kind of like fucking really and she's like, yeah, we got to do it to dry county and he's like, oh, fine. And they like kind of play this whole thing out. They pulls out a ye oldie driver's license because I guess when you're in hell, you get your wallets back. Yeah, you feel and then

when you leave, you got I don't know. Yeah, that's how I was fucking licenses expired. And she's like, uh, I never cared in the first place. And it's like you said, but that old scene? And it's like you said, but it's been, but also getting and dignity over that, like are you kidding me? When people card me, I'm fucking ecstatic. Yeah, I'm fucking 19 with a graying beard. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

And if you're Nick Cage, you look like a leather muppet. You should have that excited. Yeah. I'm attracted to leather muppets apparently according to the things that I so if you put together the puzzle pieces. Also, the Newman guy shouts at him as they before they're like, be gone by dawn. Like, why, I can't get a late checkout.

Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Dawn, who's fucking checkout times are dawn? What the fuck, man? Okay, here's your key and your checkout time is 514 AM. It's 514. I just put the key on a rooster. Here you go. Just take your room. It's gonna wake you up. Breakfast ends at 333 AM. What does it mean? Do you guys have, is do you have a little box as a Siri? Oh, okay.

But the waitress flirts with Nick Cage and Amber her as an amazing line here. She says, come on, man, nobody ever reaches the end and wishes they hadn't fucked so much. I wrote my notes. I'm pretty sure like John Holmes wish. He died of AIDS, everybody. He ended the AIDS. I'm just, this untreated syphilis. Anyway, I could have laid off a little, I guess I could have laid off a little for sure. Now again, if you're wondering if Insel's didn't write this movie, imagine the dialogue that you imagine beautiful women would say, if you've never met a beautiful woman, ever want to one.

No, I bet beautiful women are like, somebody fuck me, please. That's probably what they say. Oh, they'll probably like I just need a fucking all the time. Right. Let me write that down. That's good. That's good dialogue. Never there.

That's the problem. Cause I'm never there. Does anybody in this bar have a spare dick? I could. When Ben Shapiro is done practicing his non-shock food every morning and his wife lets him into the breakfast nook. This is what he writes for women to say.

Okay, so meanwhile we cut back to abusive ex-boyfriend. He's talking to his mom on the phone. Like a adorable conversation. Like puts, says I love your mom at the end too. Yes. Yes. I said I love you to my grandma on the phone recently and she was like, all right, I'll see you later. It was so rough.

Yeah, you're nice. Love spending time on the phone with you. All right, that's. Grandma's got to go. What's that beep beep? Oh, someone on the other side. Weirdo, little weirdo city. Beep beep up someone on the other line Weirdo little weirdo city loved me

I'm not gonna die in regret all this fucking get in here guys You wish you look like a white bishop get the fuck out of you Get a piece of this ass. And then the accountant shows up and he is, he's gonna kill him. Yes. Yep, he does. Which is pretty good. He does. Well, he hold on a minute because he skewers him like a fucking grasshopper and a fucking

high school biology bug collection again. He has totally done. And the guy is like like gently annoyed by it. He's hanging. This happens again and again. It's a sky. You had a air conditioner dropped on its face a few minutes ago. Now has like a baseball bat impaling him to the wall and like I guess they hit a stud

because it really stuck it really did. It's like, yeah, it's going to leave a mark. And it's like hanging from there, but he seems unperturbed. He's like annoyed and he's arguing with the account like, okay, like this is just what are you gonna find? He's not screaming an unbelievable pain at any point, despite being off his feet and impaled. And William Fickner is having so much goddamn fun with every moment in the scene. He's chewing this every piece of the scenery and every line. He's got a baseball bat through this guy's shoulder and he's stuck to the wall and he's asking the guy questions and he's like, answer the, and then he picks

up some other object and he like, tap the other half of the baseball bat in a little bit further. He's like, answer the question. Yeah. So he kills the guy and then the cops show up. Now these will be the accountant's henchman for the rest of the movie. Yes. And they will be his henchman. I was very confused by this. I feel like the finchner like improvised this and they were like, fuck yeah, we're keeping it. He flips a coin and it turns into an FBI badge. And the cops look at that badge and they're like, okay, we'll follow you wherever you go and kill Nick Cage on site. Deleted scene from the movie right after he produces that they he pulls some hankies out

of one of the cops nose. It takes their hat off, pulls a rabbit. You know, it's got a whole routine, but they just chose that one. Just the one who would have been kind of great if you held up the FBI badge and like, yeah, pretty sure you can't just go around murdering people. I don't know, like that's a different department. I don't think it like works the way you think it works.

Oh, seven diamonds though it is. It is. No, man. He flips the coin again. It's an NYPD batch. Okay. Now you're allowed to go in and make that be. Yeah.

But he better be black. Sorry. We asked a year white guy. I apologize. We shouldn't even hassle you to start this whole thing up. Hard bad. There is a point though. We says to one of the cops because he convinces them because he, one of them is supposed

to be very ambitious. He says, you're ambitious. Aren't you young man? And that guy was like super ambitious or whatever and said, yes, we'll follow you wherever you want us to go, Mr. FBI agent, because I guess I'll get on the FBI then or so. I don't know. Anyway, he's getting ready to leave it. And he says to me, turns to me, he says, the time it takes to follow your protocols is the

time it takes to end your life. And that was definitely in the kill allergy book that they give to all police officers, 100 percent in that red red direct from this movie. Exactly. If you told me United States police training was based on drive angry, yeah, I feel a lot better. I agree.

Yeah. So now we cut over to Amber herd who's getting her, her nails done by the, the waiter guy she picked up earlier. This is not a good scene. This whole name's not hyper. By the way, I don't know if the movie ever names her until act three. She's her name's Piper. I have that written down.

He that you learn her name like 38 minutes into this. But that's okay. In case you were worried there wasn't enough sex scene as if to balance it out. Oh God. And Nick Cage is having a what he's fully clothed while a woman has sex on top of him. And he's smoking a cigar. Yeah. Nick Cage very clearly fucks with this same exact lack of enthusiasm that he acts with.

Yeah, exactly. He is just sitting there with all of his clothes out in this woman is why she is acting like his dick is a fucking magic rabbit. I have no idea what that because he is unmoved and unmoving fully clothed and that woman is on his junk flipping out. One can only assume that his penis inside her is doing the like wacky inflatable tube man. Basically what do you leave? inside her is doing the like wacky inflatable tube.

Basically, what do you leave? Hell, you get your wallet back and an upgraded dick. They don't tell you that it's a very, very upgraded dick. But Amber, she sees a guy sneak by the window and decides to follow him. Why? Yeah. Fuck me. That's why it falls to the next scene, which is important. Yeah. Some dude will root around by bushes to go piss is not a big deal. Like you would just be like, yeah, my bar.

That happens all the time. Well, you're probably like, wait a minute. Some shady looking character outside a dive bar. Well, I'm a woman alone. I'll check it out. There's no better person to take a look at this than me. Oh, wait, look, look at that. On the back of his coat, it says, follow me for the plot.

All right, I guess I'll follow up with the plot. And sure enough, he goes into the bar where bad guy, head bad guy, Satanist. Yeah, the, get my penis bit off in the flashback that didn't make any sense guy. He's their evil monologue and he explains that for some reason, and again, this movie doesn't make any fucking sense, but just so you can follow along for some reason, head Satanist bad guy who Nick Cage is chasing has come to where Nick Cage is. I know. Yes.

To tell his men to kill Nick Cage. Yes. Feels like you could call that one out, right? Just send everyone a group text. Well, and then they all show up. They're clearly in the South. They all show up. And then they like all just have farm implements that they brought with them. Yeah. You can find a gun to use in the South. Okay. Yeah. No. All right. That's fair. Yeah. And they clearly all had a long fight about like who gets which stupid part? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Well, guy has a sledgehammer. Yeah.

Also very briefly, is this like an old timey saloon that there's just hotel rooms attached to the bar? Like that's not, yeah, that's not a thing anymore. Like that I've never been to a bar that also has hotel attached to it unless I was in a Wild West ghost town. Yeah. In the time where he grew up. Yeah, I'm sleeping at the bar tonight, honey. I'm just going to sleep at the bar. This is the test for Westworld. It didn't work out.

So we, we come back to Nick Cage. He's fucking with his clothes on like Ethan, right? And the lady's like, Hey, why are you wearing your clothes like Ethan, right? Well, he has sex. And Nick Cage says, I never disrobed before a gun fight. Yeah. Now, look, he's about to have a gun fight. So that sentence makes sense in half a second, but literally only in this context. Yeah. Which you just have to point out what that means here is that he's fucking this woman, even though he knows he's about to have a gun fight. So he's like, I don't care what happens to you.

Yeah. Well, fuck a little. I'm not even into it. This will be traumatizing. Why would you, if you know about, why would you expect you should leave? I'm going to have a gun fight. Yeah. My dick is a PTSD wand. Well, he's not going to stop the fucking yeah, no, or the, or the smoking. He's into the fucking it. He's like, no one's getting out of the bottle. They have a gun fight during which that

is all happening. He remains in the process of having sex with this woman. And what's amazing about this is you can see what they were going for with the movie, right? They were like, and yeah, man, right, Ben Shapiro puts his nunchaku's away under his dog to white bed. And wherever she keeps them. And then he was like, then he has a sexy gunfighty, drinky smokey, except Nick Cage's 47 years old.

So instead of like rolling around and hoping he just sort of gently waddles about, he's high the fatical penis still in this woman and gently points guns without twisting too quickly so he doesn't throw out his back. Can you ever lower an old man into a car and realized that you should probably just leave him under the tires? That's how Nick came. Does this gun fight? Okay, but it's a pretty sweet gun fight. Like I love this scene.

I love the fucking scene. He literally at one point, so remember the guys have stupid weapons. One guy actually has a machete. That's the my fair part. That's probably the best weapon. Probably the best weapon. That's my fair part of the whole. Oh my God. Of all stupid weapons. One guy actually has a machete. This is my fair part. The whole movie. Probably the best weapon. My fair part of the whole movie. Oh my god.

Of all the weapons, one guy has like a little trowel. One guy has just a bucket of dirt, a stunt finder. Yeah, right. But he's got to make the dad joke where he points it in himself. I'm sorry. Oh, it's me. Oh, it's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me.

He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me.

He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me.

He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. He's too close to me. I mentioned behind the back twisty without quite hurting himself gunshot and it shoots the machete the guy is holding backwards and the blade of the shetty luches into the space. Yes, backwards. It's not even the sharp part. No, it's the it's the flip or the blade goes right into his skull. It's awesome. Oh my God. If the Boundox Saints had Nick Cage, imagine how much better that could be. Oh, and less racial slurs as we learned.

I'm just more importantly the racial slurs, but just, you know, just assume I already meant that. It's probably not feeling like that. So, so he kills all the bad guys, but who should show up? But the accountant and his cop henchman. That's right. This is fucking great moment because earlier we've seen that Satanist leader guy is wanted for Satan. Right? And the cops pull up with the accountant. And just by the nature of like them jamming all these characters unnecessarily into the same setbies. Satanist guy walks by and the cops have this amazing moment where they turn to the accountant who is mind controlling them and

they're like, Hey, can we stop real quick and arrest him? He's actually a Satanist cult leader who's doing a bunch of no, okay, we're here to kill the guy. I feel stupid for even mentioning. I know what I'm ambitious. I should remember your ambitious, ambitious your ambitious. It's like me trying to get Cecil to pull over for the world's biggest ball of strings. Come on Get in take a picture get out again now. It's fine. Although admittedly height of realism in the very next piece of this when they open fire on Nick Cage and Amber heard and then they say freeze that is the and Amber heard, and then they say freeze. That is the heart of real estate.

They tell them to stop after they started shooting. And I think that that's, again, please protocol. Like you said earlier, you know, they just give out a DVD copy of this movie. It's an ambush. Yeah, for sure. It was after this scene that my wife literally looked over at me and said, I had a colonoscopy earlier today.

And that was the best part of my after. Yeah. I believe it. Oh, this is also where Piper kills one of the cops with a gun. Yes. And seems very unfazed by that. Like just, yeah, that's sometimes it happens. I have no, like, we don't even explain later.

She's just like, yeah, I guess I'm on the shooting cops team. So there you go. Piper is weirdly murderously loyal to a hitchhiker. She just met 43 minutes ago. She's cop murder loyal. Yeah. Well, he did kick her boyfriend in the face. So you know, right? Literally, right and die. So you know, one cop murder. Yep. You knew she was going to be golden retriever loyal from the moment you saw. I mean, you knew she was going to be right next to him the whole time. Right. So they kill the cops and then they drive away together. But as they drive it, as they drive it out of the hotel, oh God, the accountant walks back out of the bar

where he was like sniffing for Nick Cage and not participating in the gunfight happening inches away from him. He walks back out and Nick Cage is just like, don't make eye contact with the demon accountant. Don't make a I'm looking at him. I'm looking at him. This is no good, but it's William Fickner. I get it. God, he's so good. But what I love about it is he makes this hard eye contact and William Fickner, again, because he's doing this entire performance ironically, looks at him like, why are you in this seat? Why am I in this seat? What? Why is this seat? Nick's float on the car. What's happening in the movie?

Am I chasing you? Why aren't I chasing you? Someone get the idea over here. I need to talk to somebody about this. Also, it's at this point that you realize that Nick Cage, the hitchhiker has just, that's just his car now. Like he is just taking her car and she's just like, yeah, whatever. If I guess I'm just here to be here, I don't know. And he just, that's just, that's just his car now. He just, that's make cage his car. It's gonna break for pussy. That's it. That's it.

That is his car until, until we downgrade to a much worse car. We'll get there. Well, point being, I just locked eyes with William Fickner for a little bit there while I was watching. So I'm gonna need a quick break. And then we'll be back with more drive angry. But Captain Robin Bitty, I can't love you, I'm a sharp shy and you're a mountain bomb.

Don't you think I know that? Boring, next. And I'm David Tennant trying to play not Doctor Who. Hello David Tennant playing not Doctor Who. You remind me not Doctor Who. Hello, David Tennant, playing not Doctor Who. You're a mommy of Doctor Who. Oh, no, next, next. Hey Cecil, have you seen my, hey, what are you,

what are you, and Heath doing here? Also, what do I mean by here? We don't even live together. Oh, you, you two in the podcast version. Yeah, it's just, it's best not to think about it, Tom. Okay.

Well then, well then what are you guys doing here? Well, Tom, I'm all out of good TV to watch. So Eli and Heath are acting out my favorite British shows and movies for me. Yeah, why don't you just try A Corn TV? Wait, what's an A Corn TV? Gre... Seriously? No, we have to put Cecil on the board, really?

Yes, we do. This is spinning out of control. You're telling the unacceptable. I said, what's a corn TV, Tom? Right, right. A corn TV is a streaming service that's rooted in British television. It has a rich catalog of exclusive award-winning series across genres, including mysteries, dramas, comedies, and so much more.

From production to performances, the series you'll find in a corn TV are exceptional because they're cleverly written, visually striking, and feature renowned actors like David Tennant and Fandy Newton. See? David Tennant, don't you? Plus, with Acorn TV, you get thousands of hours of new refreshing content for a fraction of the cost compared to most streaming services. It's just 5.99 a month.

Can I watch it anywhere? Pretty much. I use it on my Apple TV to watch one of my favorite comedy shows of all time. Slings and arrows. Okay. All right. How do I give it a try? All right.

Escape to Britain and beyond without leaving your seat. Try a corn TV free for 30 days by going to a corn dot TV and use the promo code awful. That's ACORNr-n.tv. Code Awful to get your first 30 days for free. You know what? I'm in. Thanks, Tom. Now, you want some popcorn? They're about to do some obscure medical drama that doesn't make sense in America. Oh, I love that one. But, barista, this man hasn't been in parliament since the midterm post-election reformation.

It's not possible. I don't get that. Me either. And to the line, Milton, I'm here to bring you back. You know I can't let you do that. I have a job to do. So do I. That's why they call me the accountant.

Wait. What? The accountant. Wait, what? The accountant, they call me the accountant. Why? Because I go get people who escape from hell. That's not what an accountant does. But it's not. Nope. Accountants like tally numbers and fill out tax forms. Are you maybe called the bounty hunter? What? No, no, no, that's stupid. Don't look at me. I'm not the one who just made up a name for my job.

Why don't you just call yourself the plumber. That makes, you know what? Let's just get you back to hell. Go down. Whatever you say, the plumber. And we're back. They're driving away at this point with some sort of emotion, perhaps it's not clear. Maybe angry. I don't know. Never buy angry. And now it's time to explain the plot to Piper. So so that she

knows why she just killed a cop for a hitchhiker that she doesn't know. Yeah. And he explains what we explained to you earlier in the movie that the flashback we saw earlier was the Satanist cult leader killing his daughter and stealing her baby. Yes. Which does not make this movie less terrifying, right? Because at this point, I'm way past the dick biting off flashback. I'm still wondering about the fuck slash gunfight that I had. But there's this stolen baby.

So it's an amber herd alert. Which I literally have the same joke. I like to purchase your amber herd alert T. You know what? I heard it. I heard it. Yep. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, So Nick Cage explained after she's like, so I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble for killing a cop now. And he's like, yeah, yeah, you're super slow on that. I can't believe you even did that. But let me touch you up on the plot. demons killed my daughter and they took her baby. I'm getting her back.

You're also here, that's the plot. What would you say I do here? It's never scary. We'll never be clear. But just as he finishes explaining what it is she does, What would you say I do here? We'll never be clear, but just as he finishes explaining what it is she does here, who should show up, but the accountant. He chases him over a bridge, which they drive over and have a very polite conversation in the middle of it's the best he pulls up next to him. And he does like a super chill

roll down the wind gesture. Yeah. And Nick Gage is like, Amber heard get the big gun in the back of my car. It says God killer on the side of it. I have to do a thing. I don't know why I don't just use that. I don't know why I carry in that with me all the time when I saw the account. It looks like a nerf gun wrapped in electrical totally does look like a Nerf gun. Hunter it's not look intimidating at all. Got it. It's like God just took the it's nerf or nothing to like an extra fucking level. That's it.

Yeah. It's a hundred percent steam pump cosplay gun. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. Made out of a refuse Nerf gun. That's exactly somebody. Somebody got out there old timey paints. Yeah. that's exactly somebody somebody got out their old tiny paints. Yeah, but it's got bad ass

misspelled improper grammar Latin on it. So on the side of the gun is written Deus vellux next on the side of the bullet. Yeah, on the side of the bullet. Right. Okay. And that translates. You see that in 3D when it came right into your face. 3D in awesome 3D. Wait, did you not watch this wearing a 3D glasses? Oh, see, that's the problem. That's how you get right. Yeah. My blenders 3D glasses now available. I don't know if that ad has aired yet, so that might be nonsensical. But that translates that Latin when you put it into Google translate as God. Nope. And nope.

Oh, it doesn't mean swift and violent death of God. No. Somebody on IMDb was pretty sure that's what it meant. Okay. Nick Cage was pretty sure that I started an IMDB account and it's like, there we go. Right. So he shoots the God killer at the accountant and just barely misses because the accountant has super speed, I guess.

Yeah. Well, he's also in the matrix. He just matrixed it. Okay. He matrixed out of the way. And then they continue. They're like way too casual conversation over the PA. So William Fickner, the accountant

gets on, he's in a cop car somehow and he gets on the like PA that has the megafa blast out of it. And then he has a conversation with the cage who does not have a PA. But I love the tone of every conversation matches nothing about the action. The two of them are just like having a nice font. I feel like, I feel like William Fickner was trying to have a Nick Cage duel with Nick Cage. I decided to like talk and act like Nick Cage to Nick Cage and Cage doesn't quite realize what's happening yet until way later in the movie. And then they get to really cage battle each doesn't quite realize what's happening yet until way later in the movie. And then they get to really cage battle each other. It's pretty great. Yeah.

There's this great moment where he's like, come on, you know, you got to come back, Milton, Milton, you know, you got to come back. And he's like, no, I've got something to do. I've got something to do. And it's again, the action beat here is like, all right, you've given me no choice. But again, because it's an okay, she's just like, all right, fair enough. I guess I'll crash my brain in my car. Oh, and it crashes to it. Does that John Claude Van Dam from four angles where it's like, boom, it flips and it flips and then it boom and you're like, didn't it flip like three times?

I mean, what is happening here? Oh, yeah, the car does a hand spring off this spring. Stick the land and look. Yeah. I'm tired. Tires up and try umph and celebration. Bella Karole carries the car away on the ground. Russian judge Russian judge gives it a six. It's just ridiculous.

It turns into a giant police bench. So now it's time to meet the captain. And if you're wondering who, so is the fucking movie? They're now gonna introduce like a police captain who will be in two scenes, not dressed as a cop, and we'll just park random cop orders without ever having any effect on the suit.

He's like a random AARP member, just wandered into the set and they'll like, I'll just give him some lines. See what he does. Let's see him. Oh, God. Moons over my hammy. Yeah. What? I don't think you're supposed to. You're not what you're supposed to be. This guy is so irrelevant until you just brought him up. I forgot about him and I didn't make any notes about him at all. I have seven pages of notes and he didn't make the cut. Nope. What I like about this whole portion is that he goes up and he's, you know, he's just, he's a gruff old crime boss crime captain, whatever. Please captain. He walks up and he's telling everybody

what to do. And then they find that girl. Oh, yes. And that girl is just, she's just blubbering. She's the girl. Yeah, the girl at risk actress that Nick Cage was fucking during a gunfight. Yeah. When he was shooting and, and grind dancing with her or whatever, when he was doing that whole scene, that woman is now in an absolute wreck. Just, she's got mascara running on. She's screaming, crying the whole time. And she says something like, that's never happened to me before. Yeah. the whole time and she says something like, that's never happened to me before. Yeah, I was.

Wait. Oh, yeah. Now you're going to score like a fucking 18 out of 20 on that Facebook naughty test. Now, gosh, you're fucked. Here's my favorite part about that. She says, yeah, so a guy won a gun fight while I was fucking him. Did that ever happen to you? Yeah.

And literally we watched the cop begin to answer and then they cut the scene and I was furious. How badly did you want a flashback though to Nick Cage fucking that cop in a gun fight? They both have all their clothes on though the whole time. I wish I could quit you. So two pot heads, finally accountant. This, oh yeah, yeah. He tells them that they're going to die. And then no, no, hold on, hold on, you're skipping my favorite part of this whole movie.

Is he kicks the face in this fucking wreck of a car and the two potheads walk up to it and the door of this car is kicked off with so much force that it flies. Nails one of the potheads and throws this dude like 10 yards back. A car door weighs about 150 pounds. So there's 150 pound junk of steel barrels into this pothead. The dude stands up and he's like, whoa, you could have killed me. Hey bro, I haven't done that. We could not have killed you.

There's literally nothing I can do other than hurl a hundred and fifty pound car door at speed at your chest. I'm like, man, brush, brush, brush. That's stung a little. Oh man, you crushed my hacky sack. He's got a hacky sack in his breast pocket. He pulls it out. And he was. So Nick Cage is backstoring some more about how his daughter got involved in the cult and tried to get out of the cult. And wouldn't you know what? Just as he's saying it, they spot the cults bad guy, Van.

What bad guy, Van, you ask? Good fucking question, because this is the first time in the movie it'll be introduced, but luckily Nick Cage recognizes it from having read the script to the movie. This is also where we get one of the best Nick Cage sentences where he cages it up. It's so exciting to like, to try to guess the word that he's going to cage it up on.

So he's explaining to Amber heard what's going on. He's like, yeah, there's, you know, this cult leader talk my daughter into it. He talked about quiet revolution. And it was four months before she realized that quiet meant living in a basement. It's so good. But then he doesn't do it later. Like some sentences, he just leaves, there's no cage word. Yeah, that's the problem.

He's wrong. He keeps you on your toes. Yeah, there's no tracking Nick Cage. He's, he's always one step ahead of us. Sometimes he pump fakes it and he'll be like, quap and then just keeps talking normal. Like that. So he sees the bad guy, man, and heads into the church. Yeah. And then just keeps talking normal.

So he sees the bad guy, Van, and heads into the church. Yeah, yeah. That the Van is out front of where they're having the CPAC national anthem tryouts in there. That church is amazing. The picture of Jesus on the wall. There's a picture of scary Jesus that I guess they must have had like custom made for scary Satan church somewhere. I like, yeah.

They're on Etsy just like, no, no. Oh, that's the one who's scary Satan church. Gotta get on Etsy, absolutely. What is Jesus' role in Satanism the religion? Does he matter? Oh, these are the questions. Is he the enemy in the way that Satan is the enemy of the Jesus thing? He's just like the son of like not the God they worship. He's just like some random. Yeah. He's just like Joe Biden's Jared Kushner is all of this.

So yeah, he gets about four steps into this church and then everyone, and I do mean everyone pulls a gun on him. Now, here is a bit of an issue. Nick Cage, we will learn is immortal and bulletproof. However, he does freeze when they all point these guns at him. It hurts still, but he can't be killed and it could pause it. Like put some on pause for a few minutes. It's like, it just pauses him and then they walk away and then he unpauses himself later

on. I think that's like looking at the ghost in Mario. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Speaking of which, this is where Nick Cage announces that his penis has been bitten off. So he shoots one of his henchmen. Yeah. Yeah. He shoots a guy because he thinks he told somebody. How dare you? How dare you tell someone my penis is a half a penis? Dude, dude, I told you that in confidence.

I really want to someone else in the church to be like, you know, we might not have believed him until you shot the guy he blamed for killing. We'll talk about it later. I don't want to get trust any of these sadness. And then he explains that his cane is Nick Cage's daughter's leg bone. That is. Yes. Oh God. Seems like a weird souvenir, but who am I to judge?

Shoes Nick Cage, we believe dead. Yes. And then kidnaps the baby, which he already has and Amber heard because I can only assume she is in the movie. That's the reason everything that happens to Amber heard happens. Yeah. But the baby is there so they can like sacrifice the baby to win the Satan. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. When they kidnapped her, they have an extended kidnapping scene where she fights and kicks and all that before they pile into her 1988 Jaco sunbird RV. Like that's the scary. That's the saddest we're like, we got to get something that really says evil. Well, we'll be could for a car chase. I got a really old RV.

You want to use my grandma and grandpa's retirement old. Yeah. Why don't we just drive the yellowstone afterwards? Well, I got to have something I can pee in. You know, just a Satan cult going into a Walmart after they parked for free. I'm a Satan cult going into a Walmart after they park for free. I'm so much. I'm a Satan cult with the RV. Also, Amber heard fights way too hard and way too uncoriographed.

So the Satanists have this moment where they're like, get her in the man and she's like, kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it. And they're like, all right, well, wait for the actress Amber heard to stop kicking. And you see her be like, too much kicky kick okay. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm in the van Stairs stairs. Okay. I'm in the van. So now the left behind bad guys are gonna bury Nick Cage, but what's this? He's alive It is the fakedest wig I've ever seen on him He's wearing he's wearing they show this dude come out. He's got

this fucking totally 100 million percent fake wig. It looks like he killed Cindy Jacobs the prophet and took her hair. Like as a help, like as a trophy and he's wearing it around. That's what he looks like. Karen, he looks like they dressed him up to play a Karen in a movie. That's what he looks. Yeah. He looks like someone stole Richard Simmons Merkin. And we're getting our money's worth out of this. Exactly. Who's the character from monster, the like the real life character that monster was based on? Yeah. He's got like a Charlize Theron in monster mullet going. Yeah, get shot in the eye and then he stands up afterwards. Yeah, he's fine here. Yeah, he's totally fine.

So another gunfight. What are the rules? Pause. What are the rules? Pause. According to this movie, once you go to hell, you can't get killed on earth. I guess that's true. Yeah, but you can get like hurt un-conchified on earth.

Like what? Just I literally wrote down Nick Cage is now not dead, but I guess he was dead before. So I guess you can hurt him, but he wasn't really dead, but he was dead for a little while, but not permanently dead. His eyes seem gone, but probably not. So I suppose when you leave hell, you're like Wolverine with love handles in the need for an easy paycheck. That's right. So it's funny because Nick Cage actually in this movie takes way more damage and acts way more hurt from things than guys that get like a fucking air conditioner dropped on their

face. Like, that was fine. This, like, let me tell you, you want to get your eyes shot out of your head. Get a fucking air conditioner dropped on your head. It's going to shoot us out of your head. To a fucking an air conditioner dropped on your head. It's gonna shoot it out of your head. To be fair, that air conditioner thing was just special effects. Nicholas Cage really did have to stand up from the floor. So that, you know, that's,

that's the, nothing to lean on. So yeah, he kills the bad guys there in the church. Yes. And now it's time for him to catch up with the bad guy RV. And I really, really wanted it to cut to the inside of the RV and they're all having a ferocious argument about whether or not it's okay to poop in the RV.

It's not. It's absolutely not. You got to poop in the RV. I do. You poop in the RV. It's an emergency poop only. Emergency poops on every poop for Eli's emergency. Thank you Tom. You pull over and you drive away and Eli figures it out. If you'd like to buy your every poop is an emergency t-shirt. I would like to apologize in advance and it has a picture of Amber herd on it. You got signals crossed. This section of the podcast brought to you by Tushy.

If you have emergency poop by Tushy. If you have to work to push it, Tushy. Yeah, I like that there's speed away in there. Driving house. Yeah, we're going to get away in this driving house. Don't worry guys. We'll lose them in our driving house. Zero to 60 in eventually. Yep. But they do realize, hey, what if we drive into this abandoned warehouse that has roads inside? Absolutely. Maybe we can have a scene there. Get a lot of mileage out of that in this movie. Yeah. Also, this car chase, I do want to point out the car chase between the 1969 charger and the Ford Aconno line sunbird RV, it ends because the 69 charge or just breaks down.

Yep. Yeah, because it could shot a bunch of times. So then the other car drives away, but they were chasing the guy they just drove away from. Well, earlier, they forget, they forgot so many times what directions they're going very much. So normally a car chase, you would assume would be everybody going in the same direction. So there's the chaser in front, the chaser behind and they go to the right, for example, but they forgot that that's how that would work.

And like half the car chase, they're going in opposite directions, like a joust or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guns instead of a joust. He winds up in front of them. Yeah, right. What's that called? The cultists are like, we're going to kill you, but not if you stop. Yeah. And then we'll drive away. That's it. And just, all right, we didn't think about that. We can only go, we have to go 50 miles an hour, but this thing blows up. Admittedly, that fucking RV though, I would drive across country in that upper bunk, looking out that front window. That would be the best. I would lay on my tummy the whole time and just like this, with my hands, I'd just stare out the front window. Oh gosh, as soon as COVID is over, see some women., you're gonna take this country by storm. You see the world's biggest ball of string.

Well, visit he, maybe Cecil's gonna have an ejection button on the you last gonna fly out with a parachute. No, Cecil was pro pooping in the bathroom. Only for a mer- okay, forget everything's an emergency. Thank you. So now they're pushing the car because it's broken. They got to push it really far though, like really like they date. There's like four scenes cuts where they push in this car and they're playing a song. Like they did a montage of this car push in the scene.

They're really in it. They did before the pushing. They did pause for a second so he could look at the engine that was riddled with bullets like maybe I got to twist my wrist at it a little like the bullet to press the on button full of bullet holes. No, the bullets got the on button on the bullet. That's why I shut off. Maybe it just got shot in the eye. So to be fine. Yeah. But this scene, this contains the most important written line in literary history. Amber Hurd is describing how UFOs aren't real, but. Oh right. She dove into Nick Cage's car out of the RV.

That's why she's back here. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't forget that. Oh yeah, it's very, very. Amber Hurd is describing that UFOs aren't real. She doesn't believe in Bigfoot, but Devils and demons are real. Don't forget that. Oh yeah, it like me is no, why did someone invent that phrase? Go to a doctor. Somebody's like, okay, you know what I like to imagine. Pretty girls,

pooping. Wait, why are you riding the script, Jerry? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the script, Jerry? No, no, no. That's a weird thing to write down. But nobody here, hear me out. It's like new get when it comes out. It's like, no. It's like silky smooth new get. It's like there's corn and peanut color. And it's, I'm going white on this one. I know what you get. White, white, white. I've been like, I've been like, when a girl poops, she can change,

like the color to match her mood, right? That's how girls are. It's like a period. I met a girl. My wife, whose doctor won't give me my non-chalku back. That's like a period. I met a girl. My wife, whose doctor won't give me my non-chalku back.

By the way, if you'd like your t-shirt of Amber Hurts shitting Nougat into heat's open mouth, not only can we not sell you one, we are in deep legal trouble. Over. So please stop asking. Please. We are in deep legal trouble. Over. That's right. Oh, please stop asking. Please.

We just want a little piece. We just want to make it through the day. So yeah, he's here for Daughter Venge and then a tow truck. Yeah, Deus Ex tow truck. Deus Ex tow truck. So they don't have to push anymore. There's no more montage scenes of us pushing guys. Thank God.

There's a tow montage scenes of us pushing guys. There's a touch. I got nowhere. And the tow truck driver was his best. I'm going to spoil this for you just so everyone understands how fucking stupid this movie is. Was his best friend and his co-criminal. Yeah. Which this is the scene where you find out why Nick Cage went to hell in the first place. And it was because he was a bad dude. That's the policy. You're wondering because Nick Cage is the moral center of this movie, but he comes from hell. So one would assume that that has that tension, must at some point be resolved. Oh no. Interesting. Oh no. See, I would assume that that has that tension must at some point be resolved. Oh, no, interesting. Oh, no

See I would argue that the accountant is the moral center of the movie He's he's all about order and logic and rules and he's keeping things together and he's the best actor Okay You in that fight you win that you win that you win that any help that lady with the trash So that's it. Yeah. Right. The heat and right school of criticism. William Finchner is the center of whatever movement. He is the accountant of hell. And I believe he is the moral center of this movie. That's right.

Right. But yeah. Now we've met Webster is the name of the truck guy. By the way, yes. Good for you. Remember this. The director's name. Webster. And Webster knows that he of the truck guy, by the way. Yes, good for you, remembrance friends. This character's name. Yeah, Webster. And Webster knows that he's back from the dead. They mentioned that for a second. And you know, now we've met a very important character

for Act 3 in Webster. Or did we find out that the answer is actually go fuck yourself when we come back for the big climax of drive angry that will not involve Webster. Satan! Yes, minion. What is it? It's Milton. He's escaped.

What? How? Well, he stole your car and your gun and he's off to save his granddaughter. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. So many questions. Why do I have a car? I mean, we're getting around how, I guess. I, I have to physically travel a drive a car around in help.

Yes, I think that would, yes, I would, it would seem so, yes. Well, okay, more, more, what did I do before I had the car? Was there a bus that I think I'd help bus? I'm just a messenger, I have no idea. Okay, well, also, you mentioned a gun. Why would I have a gun? Well, sir, that's the special gun that kills immortal beings and makes the soul go into oblivion.

It's a big sort of black hole type. Right. Okay. Yeah. I admit that it's better than just having like a hand gun in a safe, a little bit bad, like a scared suburban. I put, you know, why would I say Prince of Darkness need an angel killing oblivion gun? I don't know what I'd do.

Maybe it. Okay. Well, that's, that okay, let's see. Maybe it's for like really bad souls who escape, I guess. Yeah, like the way that's been falling. Milton just did. Exactly, just like him, yes. With that gun.

Ooh, yep, with the gun, yep. This movie is really stupid. It is very stupid, yes. They look cool, right? You're so cool. Hey, Tom. Hey, Cecil. Whoa. Those are new. Yeah, man. You like them. We got them over at Sunglasses barn. Yeah, they are. He, if you see my yikes, Tom, you look like an undercover cop right now.

What? No. They just make me look cool. No, no, they make you look like an undercover cop. Okay. Maybe, but, but mine look cool, right? You kind of look like a cyberpunk detective. Well, that's cool.

You didn't let me finish cyberpunk detective who solves crimes that, like an old country buffet. Yes. I see. a punk detective. Well, that's cool. You didn't let me finish. Cyberpunk detective who solves crimes that like an old country buffet. Yes, I see. Right? But guys, if you want cool and affordable eyewear, why don't you try Blenders? What's Blenders? Tom, too, seriously.

We're running out of space on the board. I know. I know. Nobody being in Macau. I know. Blenders is an adventurous, mid-priced eyewear option with the same cool factor as other leading styles.

Wait, really? Really. I actually got a pair of the weekend flyers, and they're great for when I'm long-morten around town or taking a trip to the beach, all the stuff that I normally do. Yeah, and unlike expensive big brand shades that you probably lost or smashed in the past, Blenders are actually affordable, so you're not going to cry as much when the inevitable happens. Plus, Blender's team of in-house designers are constantly coming up with new styles

from orange polarized wraparounds, tortoise shell frames with purple lenses, to classic gold arms on black lens. And it's not just sunglasses. Blenders has prescription glasses, readers, and blue lights, as well as a snow collection with goggles and accessories. That does sound cool. It is. And if you want to get 15% off your Blender's purchase, just visit blendersiware.com and enter the promo code awful VIP. That's blendersiware.com code awful VIP for 15% off. Blenders. Rocked with pride. Worldwide.

Now let's get those off you and get you guys some blenders. I really look like an undercover cop. Yeah, but like a bad one. Yeah, unsuccessful, like a very unsuccessful undercover cop. And we're back and we're at Webster's act three supply shop. Websters act three supply shop. Nicholas Cage is looking in a mirror and trying to beat himself at acting, which is fucking I squash hours of this. Oh, they managed to get about four tenths of a second, where Nick Cage doesn't scream,

you're in moan truck. You're in aonstruck. You're in a They're in a work yard, though, same work yard where they had the car chase earlier. No, they're not, of course not. But they are in the same work yard. It's the same work. Right. And Amber heard it's like, Hey, Webster, can you, um, I don't know, explain the plot. The audience, I think got it, but I missed it. They don't just end the movie, but they don't know, explain the plot, the audience, I think got it, but I missed it. I'm just in the movie, but they don't tell me any brief. Do it in like two paragraphs. Did you just do it in two paragraphs?

Thank you. So he explains that Nick Cage was a good father, but a bad husband. I have questions about how that works. But the reason he died is, and almost exact quote, these guys wanted to kill us. So he went and he killed them first, but then they killed him. So they couldn't kill me pretty much it. Yeah. Kill kill.

I want to point out this is where Nick Cage gives the fire barrel monologue. Yes. About how he watched TV in Hell. And this monologue is very important to me because it was my audition monologue over many, many years. No, it absolutely was not. Yes, it was.

I used to say I will be doing a monologue from the greatest movie of 2011, Drive Angry 3D, It's throwing it goes to me. This is entitled, Why Am I Staring at a fire barrel? So, so you audition for parts by doing this monologue from Nick Cage?

No, no, no, he's then right. I was cast in parts by doing this. Are you serious right now? Why would you not cast a guy crazy enough to do a Nick Cage monologue from a 3D movie? People had no choice but to cast. You know what movies are cheap to make? Let's take a risk on this guy.

Yeah. Fun fact, Eli was actually in drive angry. Yeah, I am Nick T. Yeah, I got that part. He's the guy who taught the guy who catches the coin, how to do that trick. He's not allowed to do that. Okay, now turn it into an FBI badge and you can be in the credits.

Smoking, you can have your leg next to aquafina. She was very nice. You let it in Ocean's 8 for real. For a quarter of a second. You got to watch this. You just leg cheated out into the shit. You'd have been in for a whole second if you use something else to audition with. No.

I feel like that really won Aquafina over. Gonna agree to disagree. But yeah, this in this monologue, which is masterful, and everyone should watch it. Nick Cage says that repeat it word for word for us. I, here's the crazy sad darkness. I desperately you just got caught in a lie trying to find the text of this monologue. Yeah. So that I could redo it.

And then I was like, it's okay. I'll just transcribe it. So I started to transcribe it. And then I was like doing a little bit of it for Anna. And she was like, not only is that not funny, it's super boring. No one will enjoy that. I got halfway into the bit of like, and then I'll do a two and a half minute monologue before my wife saved you and this podcast audience. Every day I show the same scenes and there's nothing you could do. But the conclusion

of this monologue is my favorite line in all of cinema. He can't drink his beer until he drinks it out of the bad guy's skull. No, and in that, and in that, and this is where he gets the new car from Webster, and that is his entire purpose to be in this movie. And he gives him a choice. Websters like, all right, man. So I guess the best way to chase a cult leader in an RV is if I give you this 73 Chevelle. Yeah. So that's what they have for the rest of the movie is is 73 Chevelle like an amazing muscle car that I don't know about in my head, it's not even weirder. He unveils to car does give him a case of two what dramatic effect does revealing two cars and letting Nick Cage, the undead Avenger of his daughter stolen baby, choose one

achieve. Yeah, but a lot of minute because you're even over dramatizing that because he doesn't actually Nick Cage doesn't choose. He unveils both the cars and this big like what's up of the fucking covers or whatever the dust covers. Then he's like, I believe you always liked the chivalry though. Well, why did you cover on the other hand? He's a chivalry.

Right. Let's say two chivalrys, one blue one red. It's like Nick Cage walks around and like there's like some weird car porn. Instead, it's like two cars. You can have the one on the left. I don't know how they don't have one of the options, be like a Shelby from gone in 60 seconds. And he's like, oh, Eleanor, there we go. Like that was going to create little call back.

Budget reasons. Yeah, exactly what. They got these two cars on Facebook marketplace three hours before they shot this movie. Also, you're not allowed to call back to any of Nick Cage's good movies. He just starts crying and then the rest of the movie is him crying. That's what happened in Bad Lieutenant Heath. You want another Bad Lieutenant? This is how you get another Bad Lieutenant.

So they're driving off in their 73 Cheval, which is apparently a nice car. Who the fuck knows? But wouldn't you know it? The cops pull up right behind them. Oh, God. How would the cops know? They're in a new car now. Yeah, they kept the same license plate.

They didn't show that. They put the old license plate. Well, I think the budget cosplay Jim Jones called the cops on him and said he knew where they were. So maybe they followed him from the place. But then they just decided 50 or 60 miles down the road to turn their lights on and bro block him. Right.

Wait, so Jonah King, the cult leader called the cops and was like, listen, this guy whose car just broke down because I shot the off button on his Dodger. It's going to get picked up probably by a roaming tow guy that he knows named Webster. Here's the address and he'll probably be driving a new car, possibly a 73 Chevelle. I need you to pull over a 73 Chevelle. It'll be red or blue. We haven't determined yet what color it will be. Okay. That's the plot of the movie is what we're saying. Yes. That is exactly the plot of the movie. Yes. Yeah. They also a 73 Chevelle is faster than a modern police car. That's locked in. He that's locked it.

Got it. Yeah. That's canon. So yeah, they form a roadblock. The captain from earlier who doesn't matter and never will has this weird joke moment. Yeah. Oh god. It was like his stand up from the old folks home.

He's like, now I want, when I tell you all to shoot their tires, shoot him in the head. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot their tires, shoot them in the head. So, shoot, shoot their tires. Nope. Wait, sorry. I should have had if I was going to shoot my man in the head, fuck. All right. Don't murder Nicholas Cage and Amber.

Yeah. So they have the roadblock. He's got his cops ready to shoot to kill. Nick Cage and Amber heard drive the roadblock and they stop. So it seems like they're in big trouble now. But yeah, because the cop cars, by the way, for the roadblock are arranged perfectly spaced just like randomly. I think like like like cop cars dominoes actually like exactly one, then spit.

Okay, that's how you do cop car Tetris. A roadblock. We got it. Whenever you have a roadblock, you want to make sure that it would be technically possible to drive through the center of the road. You could weave through it. You could spin move and get through it for sure. Absolutely. Oh, they're never going to thread this needle. Like geometry of this sort was way too confusing for cage. He pulls over. He stops. Yeah. But it's like when you get a bear and you hold your hands over and they're like, well, what the fuck is happening? They're talking out of the things.

So sure. Freaks out. But here's the word, Bart. The accountant is here and he's going to fuck up the whole situation. So the accountant who is on Cageas team now, I'm not now. I don't know how. No idea. That's what's happened now, right? He's on Cajas. He must be.

Nobody knows what's happening in this. Yeah, he's definitely on Cajas team now. He's a hundred percent team cage. So now, okay, because he's the moral center of the move. Moral center. Okay, I'm driving to where you're at and fighting. He's very complex. He's the moral center.

Amber herds the new get center. I think we've already got this. So the accountant has hijacked a truck full of hydrogen somewhere and he's just been driving it around the area. They don't just wait until find maybe on one of these highways. A police walk. The cop that got called by the satanic guy who knew that Webster was going to pick up Amber Herden.

Thank you. And Nick Cage earlier and then give him a chevelle and stop them there. And now he drives the truck full of explosions through the road. Okay. Oh, but he does it. But he does it guys. Guys, this is a white person. Bollywood movie at this point.

This is what happens is he blows up a bunch of these cards and these cars literally explode on contact. So he hit these cars and they are just boom, boom, boom, exploding stuff. I said, then he hit the one. They're covered in drunk anywhere. Exactly. They're like, they're like easy like charcoal. They're just like going up like crazy and he turns the, so then at one point, he does

a spin move and catches a cop car also pushing it sideways as they're sliding down the road. He casually gets out of his car and stands on the hood and then walks over the hood onto the cop car. And then his car flips over to cars as Nick Cage drives under it and then a splotty. So I think I got it all. I think I don't know, but it was really Bollywood. It was a hundred percent Bollywood. And the slide move when he's up on the hood is my favorite part, possibly of the whole movie because it's William Fickner doing another one of his like crazy power moves moments. You know, everything he has to be like social dominance for this character.

So he's sliding sideways during a car crash explosions going all around him. And he's just like proudly like just sliding. He's in control of everything. He's peeing on somebody. He's like a cigarette. He's he's fucking a waitress smoking a car. Yeah, the best. And the best part is all of these cars explode.

Boom, boom, boom. Then the hydrogen truck explodes. Come on. Nobody is injured. Nobody, all the cops at the other like they're standing there. They're not there. Clothes aren't even ruffled. They're just like, man, that was loud.

Well, center of the movie. But then even better, he has destroyed several cars, helped Nick Cage and Amber heard get away. And they're like, okay, well, we, you're obviously a bad guy. You blew up several cars and he's like, coin flip FBI bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. Got me again. That he made a balloon animal. It was great. It was perfect.

Yeah. Well, it turns out you could do anything if you're FBI. Is it your birthday, little boy? I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Captain, you go first. All right. So now we head over to the bad guys.

And Nick Cage is like, here, you just hang out outside. I'm going to do the climax by myself. And she's like, I'm obviously going to join you for the climax of the movie. Don't don't do that thing when you don't wait here after I say wait. Can you just actually wait here? No. Shit in my mouth now. And then they have stock footage. So first off, they are in the same exact warehouse shipyard that we've been having all these chase scenes in. Now they've just thrown, now they've just thrown a little bit of a little bit of a different decorations, but it's clearly the same fucking warehouse district.

It's clearly the same way, but now they're having a crawfish boil. So it's a little different. Honey Boo Boo's family reunion is happening or whatever. And this is another opportunity just to show random naked people. Yes, just for, but they're not doing anything and most people aren't naked. So most people are like, there's like, there's like one guy like not fire juggling to sort of like waving fire in a general direction of another guy. Then there's like a random naked person,

just sort of like absent mindedly moving without any sense of music or rhythm. Everybody got different direction for that scene. Everybody got different blocking and everybody got different. Absolutely. Well, they're having a satanic orgy party and all the unattractive people who started taking their clothes off, we're told, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we all feel like we always feel, but we all know you're not better at the off-top.

Better at the off-top. Better at the off-top. Thank you. Bottom of the extra barrel, but my friends, if you watch these scenes closely, you will see who I believe is the moral center of the movie, which is fat extra who wrote too many Satan symbols on himself in Sharpie. I don't want to wipe it off, but they started shooting. He's going to star in an upcoming scene, but he does appear in this crowd shot at first.

Yes. And he is the hero American. We also find out too at this point, because that's whole scene's going on, but then Nick Cage, are we at the point where he takes that girl? He grabs the girl. Are we at that point yet? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, this is where Cage doubles back and finds out that Amber heard did not listen to

his classic movie trope just exactly. And the moral center of the movie has her by the neck and is getting ready to cut her open. And then he barters with Nick Cage to put the gun down and say, you're sorry or thank you or something. I don't know. He made him apologize or say thank. I don't remember. He's seen his soap bananas.

He is demonstrated. He is on Nick Cage's side. So he has her kidnapped and Nick Cage is like, where do I thought you were on my side now? I want the magic god gun that you shot at me and I want you to say thank you for flipping the car over the cops and doing the explosions and Nick Cage does and he's like, there. And that is the end of the fucking car.

Yeah. We also find out too that Satan is kind of a cool guy. He's a really nice guy. You just got to get to know him. Like, you know, Satan is a very, so well read dude. He doesn't like it when people, because he's categorized babies to him. That's a little weird.

He feels weird about it. He's like, Satan doesn't like it when people do all this satanic shit. He just thinks that's weird. You guys are weird. Who, how did Satan's lawyer get this written into the woman? Satanic shit. You just think that's weird. You guys are weird. Who? How did Satan's lawyer get this written into the movie? Oh, delicious diet Pepsi. Also, Satan is actually more about making Christians behave themselves under Supreme Court law. So

yeah, you know, he's been listening to an audible Satan. He's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm obviously listening to a great watching to a bear right bull? Satan, he's, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of bull. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. You know what he's been listening to on a lot of bull? Satan, he's, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff.

I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff.

I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I'm not, he's listening to a lot of stuff. I have so many questions about this, okay.

Why? Good, good. Would Satan create a gun that could be stolen from him and then kill him or his accountant or his minions? Why have that gun? I think it was like a can God make a mountain? He can't move situation. He got tricked into it.

Okay. But then Satan would not be able to make that gun. Or would another question about that gun though is that gun as I understand it is a get out of hell gun. Yes. You're just oblivated. Right. Which is a monster,

but better than hell. Then hell. So if somebody points back, you get shot with that gun, you go to hell. It just sees to exist. You know, you see it just exists. It's a reality gun. It basically, yeah. Oh, if you get shot with this gun in hell, you go to in real life, in life, the people that he shoots, they just cease to exist. They explain it at one point where they say, big at Darwin. You don't get to go to heaven or hell. You don't exist anymore. And I'm just like, yeah, that's what happens to everybody guys you need to get shot with

a gun you can go anyway, although that does work. I'm not I'm not ruling it out. I'm saying there's other methods to there are other options. I mean, there's 500,000 people gloss they're cold lost their fight with COVID. I mean, yeah, so yeah, so fun fact that's all the guns. If I was in hell, I can't imagine anything less intimidating than a gun that gets me out of hell. You don't shoot me with that. Oh, no, actually, you know what? Yeah. All right. Yeah. So now it's time for Jonah to do his like bad guy monologue and the only way I can explain this monologue, and this is my theory, they told this actor at some point, Nick Cage is going to drive his Dodge charger Chevrolet

with a fucking S whatever. Seven to three. He's going to drive this car that we like in, but I'm not going to tell you when. So you have to fill in monologue until Nick Cage strikes it. Like somebody's about to throw a ball in your face from just out of the frame and you don't know when exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I this scene is where Nick Cage drives around to save a baby and just indiscriminately smashes into people and only accidentally does not hit that baby with that car.

That baby was, that baby was safe. It was, it was tucked away in a pure one basket. It was a nice, wicker, safe basket. Yes, very good point. Wicker baskets are safe with a flaming car driving around. He is as a car seat, if you want. It's fine. It's crash test. When he was growing up, that was his car seat. He's scrapped on top of the car with two firm pieces of rope. Okay. Question about how Nick Cage got here. So they're at an old abandoned prison, right? Okay. So he lost a bunch of money in the birdie made off stuff. So he just, yeah, make it back doing some action movies. He does. Doing every movie, every offer.

Yes. Because he because literally any movie. Yeah. Okay. He drives to this old abandoned prison where this satanic cult is taken over and used these prison courtyard inside the walls as their orgy area. And that's where we are. Slashcroffish cook. Yes. Yes. Yes. Nick Cage drives a flaming car up a ramp ramp ramp on the side of the prison every prison ramp. Every prison. When was that ramp useful to the prison? By ramp?

By ramp, prison, prison ramping. I don't know that it's an OEM ramp. I think that was probably an aftermarket ramp when the prison went. There's a bunch of ramps in this universe. There were ramps in that abandoned warehouse really well. We're in the same fucking place. So I guess you're in the same spot. You can't have a movie with a classic American muscle cars

like the 73 Chevelle and not have ramps. There's a point too, where this woman who is holding the baby keeps on like, so she's supposed to kill the baby, right? So she has the baby. Yes, baby sitter lady. She's supposed to kill the baby. But the whole time she's like, aren't you a cute little baby? Aren't you a sweet little baby? Who's got widow toes, baby? Okay, the whole time. I created an entire subplot for this woman that she was just like someone they got off care.com. I Yeah, she looks confused like this is the weirdest nanny gig I have you guys did not sell this ride I mean all right. Yes. My new CPR. I don't even think that's relevant. I have a knife

Going on yelp. This is definitely not my help. Am I going to get a one star review? If I don't kill the baby or a five star review, if I do kill the baby, I hate this. I hate this. It's going to fuck up my whole background. But if I kill the baby, like, do I get paid for the whole weekend? I feel like a baby's thing is over. I don't know.

You got to ride home. I don't know. You got to ride home. I don't have PayPal. I have Venmo. You really don't have both. Classic babysitters. The guy also kills two people. The count also kills two people with one coin at a certain point in this. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He throws the coin out. So the limpian McGee guy from the very first scene of the movie got his fucking leg chunked, like a literally literally jumped with a junk gun. You fucking no way you're ever walking again, chases this guy up to a fucking parapet of a prison. Somehow, I don't know, they fucking catapulted him up there on one of the many ramps, I guess. I don't know. But anyway, area is standing there and the and then the accountant blicks or throws the coin through a guy's face and then bounces through another guy's chest. Like two guys with one coin, it was a really great, really great, awesome scene. And then he could have left. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They cut it, but he turned it into a badge

right after he caught it. I really wanted it to turn into a badge halfway into the guy's head. Sorry. It's a five. it's on a timer. Can I? Oh, can I, you hold still an all pull. But yeah, there's shooting at one point bad guy has a Tommy shotgun. Yes. Yeah. There's a one with a drum. He's got a shotgun with a drum on it. He pulls that out out of a cooler, which is the best place to store all your weaponry in a wet place like a cooler. That's the best place.

You want to do it. So Nick Cage finally gets out of the car. The bad guys whack him with pipes in the silliest possible manner. Oh, hold on, no, hold on, no. They shoot him in the back with a shotgun. Right. So he gets shot in the back of the shotgun. And we didn't know this throughout the whole movie, but that is his weakness, getting shot in the back with a shotgun. That is where the one's become real. That really stings at least.

His Achilles heel is shotgun blasts to the back. But just in case you were going to take that seriously, he begins to crawl along the ground. And as I mentioned, the bad guys thwack at him with the, with like the silliest, they might as well take a rubber chicken and like, I also Nick Cage is exhausted to crawl in, right? He's like crawl, crawl, sleepy time for me. So you see these poor extras being like, Thwack, Thwack, Nick, you're supposed to keep crawling. Thwack. Thwack. The arm is getting tired. That's, that's seen. Actually, it was filmed over the course of 14 days, Eli. It was 14 days. He threw his back out the first day. That's why it's so slow. He can't even move. It inspired boyhood, the Thwacky scene. But finally finally, Crolls Over, he gets the bad guy, obligating not go to heaven or hell gun

and he shoots the bad guy with it. Yeah. Oh, and then you get the literal best special effects you've ever seen in your entire life. They do not look like high school AV club after effects for a group project that three out of four people phoned in. Definitely. I'm just, it doesn a group project that three out of four people phoned in. Definitely. It doesn't look like that is what I mean.

You do get the skull. His skull flies up top of his skull flies up and skips on the ground pin and that for later. Yeah. That's important. A little ghost comes out of him, shaped like a beer bowl. So that'll be your skull. Ancient people used to drink beer out of the books?

Anyway, go ahead. Stupid stupid stupid stupid dumb as they do. Ruining our podcast. So now if you would like to buy your beer balls, I'm doing a beer balls as a citation needed in the future. Would you drink all you all? Shit, no get out of a fear bomb. If there was a 50, 50 chance of it either being me or Amber her. Oh, easy. Check the color.

Red, Eli white amber her. You that he got obvious. Easy red white member heard. Is an album that we're never going to get to. So now sadly, Milton is dying from his wounds. Why? No idea. He was.

Because that got shot in the back, I said it earlier. Yeah, that hurts. Yeah. Way more than in the eye. He gives. He gives Amber heard the baby. And he's like, here, this is your baby now. That's why you've been in the movie.

And she's holding it out like I hold a baby at fucking rigid arm legs. Like, I don't want to touch this. Why am I touching this? I don't want to touch this. I just want to go fucking drop this off at a firehouse and do meth. What the fuck?

If she's just like, no, it's not my baby. I'm credit. That's no even fun. Yeah, she's like, I. That would have been fun. Yeah, she's like, I picked up a hitchhiker. Now I've killed two cops and I've got a baby. Well, Nick Cage says I chose you for a reason. I mean, you were the first person in the diner that I saw. So I was in the movie.

What was that or that lady who had the hand wrestle with me and tried to fuck me and then the In-laws lady was a little shini. I didn't like her grip. I thought her grip was weak. So I just used to you have the grip for a person who should raise my grandchild And then he vanishes he vanishes like Batman Yeah, and then and you're thinking wait you like I'm sorry. Did you just say and then like there's Another scene. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that'm sorry, did you just say and then like there's another scene? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not over. Amber, her walks away and then Nick Cage comes out from the room. He's been hiding it. He woke back up. Yeah. Just to be clear, this was Nick Cage's plan. All right, I'll pretend it to shot them. That the satanic leader

shot me with killed me. I'll be like, blah, blah. And then when Amber, her'll pretend that the shot done that the satanic leader shot me with killed me. I'll be like, and then when Amber heard looks away to the baby, I just handed her reasonably distracted by that new responsibility. I'll do a barrel roll into a nearby shed. And then when she leaves, I'll come out and drink a beer out of the dead guy's skull out of the dead guy's skull. Well, he's drinking beer out of the bad guy's skull out of the dead guy's skull. Well, he's drinking beer out of the bad guy's skull because there's big victory moment, but Nick Cage is, I love it.

He's just going nuts with like gesticulating with the beer bowl skull. The skulls are full of holes. And they're holes in skulls. Yes. Correct. Especially if you shoot them with a gun. They don't have deformities of some sort. Sure. So the beer's just spilling everywhere and he's loving it. He's so like, he could have

picked up like an octopus from the ground there. He just found a way to play with it. And like, that's all right. Ah, love Nick K. Jan Fickner, the two of them crushed it in this movie. It's a genuinely great movie worth watching. Before we end though, Eli, can you sing the song for us? Absolutely. Because the song, I don't know if you guys, the last song is Eli singing a song. It's meatloaf. I don't know if you do you hear the meatloaf song? The last, I literally wrote down, oh, they couldn't afford meatloaf. It's meatloaf song. They tried to do bad out of hell, but like it's, you know, Eli

do like the fake. Eli, in the notes, I have put this, the lyrics like it's, you know, you know, I like the fake Eli in the notes. I have put this the lyrics. So I don't know if you want to read this, you could also listen to it briefly with the YouTube link there for that song. I got it. I will do a dramatic reading. All right. Here we go. You have to do the whole of it.

I'm still alive. Must have been a miracle. It's been a hell of a ride. Destination's still unknown. It's a fact to life. If you make one wrong move with a gun to your head, Miracle, it's been a hell of a ride. Destination's still unknown. It's a fact to life. If you make one wrong move with a gun to your head, you'd better walk the line or you'll be left for death.

I'll run away train on a broken track. I'm a ticker on a bomb. You can't turn back time. You could have just stuffed that back. You had it back and then you feel like it feels like the run. You should. I got away with it and I'm still alive. Let the end of the world come tumbling down. I'll be the last man standing on the ground.

As long as I've got blood rushing through my veins, I'm still alive. Yeah, it's and then we're trying back to hell. They jump into hell. I really want to watch them doing like car games on the way to hell. Yeah. No, no, they had head is he lets Nick drive them back to hell, which seems like a bad idea since he's the one who escaped in the first place. But I really wanted when they count and goes to get in, he does that thing where you like drive a little bit while your butt is trying to get in. Come on. That was amazing.

Oh God. Amazing. No, no, no, I'm not going to do it this time. I'm not going to do it this time. I did it again. It would have been amazing. I just want to mention do it this time. I'm not going to do it this time. I did it again. It would have been amazing. I just want to mention one of the things.

At the end of this movie, I was watching on peacock where they have it for free. If you have free peacock, next up, they were certain peacock was certain that I wanted to watch two headed shark attack. And then they were also certain that after I watched drive angry and two headed shark attack. And then they were also certain that after I watched Drive Angry and Two Headed Shark Attack, I wanted to see leprechaun in the hood. I don't know. Do you not want to see leprechaun in the hood? I guess it's really an office. That's weird. I wanted to see if they would keep going and like name all these movies we've literally done on. I was really sad they didn't suggest Frazier because a remake of Drive Angry starring

the cast of Frazier. Kelsey grammar. That's the amber her part. Oh, God. Also Frazier's is good show. Great show. Good show. Love it. All right last thing before we wrap it up What do you think the title meant actually?

Drive like like like doesn't drive are you you're driven mad driv you drive drives you hang item. Is that what they're going for? You're giving this way too much credit more way more thought than the people who made the movie. Yeah, yeah Yeah, this was like a throw. We should name the movie something. I don't know. Just drive angry. Oh, we forgot to name the movie. What has it?

Cars, anger, good. Bro, put it out there. Okay. Either I break for pussy or drive angry. Those are the first things we see. All right. Dumpers. Let's do it.

Yeah. All right. Well, I guess that's going to do it for a view of drive angry. Fuck the pain away. Fuck. All right. Well, I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Drive Angry. Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away. The pain away. The pain away. But that's not quite gonna do it for the episode just yet,

because we found another terrible movie for next week. So Eli, what's on deck? Well, Heath, I heard a rumor that every time we do a review of Christian boy wonder Matt Powell's movies, he gets extra special famous. So we'll be reviewing his latest release, the atheist religion. Fantastic. We are very religious, you know, religion. So what that's a look forward to, we're going to bring episode 290 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Tom and Cecil for joining us.

Anything you guys want to plug, anything coming up soon, place people should go. Yeah, citation pod.com. Great show. Citation needed. Wonderful show. We also do cognitive distance distance pod.com, but you go to citation needed and you catch us with your favorite guys every week. Right. Fantastic. Check it out. What is it called? Citation needed. Needed. Got it. Needed. Needed. You're on it. So you should know it. Good show. And of course, big thanks to our Patreon. Donuts for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And that'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist. So you can also help us out by leaving us good reviews and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist. What was the show again? See so you said in the notes, you can just read it. Citation needed. Yeah, there you go. The Skeppercraft and D&D Myes available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematics suggestions, you can email God off the movies

at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, this is a P. Android. And we're gonna need a this way. And we're gonna have to edit hard to avoid dipping into that work. Yeah, so our theme song, by the way, was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, the evil dress on Mars. All the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark

and was used with permission. Also one guy. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Tom Cecil and Eli, I'm Heath. Promised me to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the animal. Breakfast, Costco. Animal, Houseboast.

Breakfast. Animal Houseboast, Tom. Nicholas Cage would go on to play himself in his biopic, paycheck, I'll suck your dick. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha still has not won the Academy Award because of his new career. Moral Center of the movie. So political. Nicholas Cage would go on to play himself having to be his characters to save his family's life in an upcoming film. original. No, see we go to the other side. Don't don't don't. No, we skip. I think we'll Oh, do it. Nice me. So do I. That's why they call me. It's you're just saying what's

in the movie. This is the movie. I know. I know. I know. That's how I'm raising. It's not a big any set of the main bad guy characters. The accountants. Tom. I can do it. Okay. Yeah. Why? the accountants Tom. I can do it. Okay. Yeah. Why? I'm good. It's a great question. It's a really good question. I feel like we need to speed down the director. I'm stuck in them. Also Morgan, I would like you to edit in. He's quietness during my hilarious and we're her jokes. I would like to know the quietnesses in there. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2021.

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