God Awful Movies - 293: Bells of Innocence

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

This week, Dan and Jordan from Knowledge Fight join us for an atheist review of The Bells of Innocence, the story of Mike Norris and David AR White's relentless quest to touch other people's children. And yes, that is precisely the movie's plot. --- Hear more from Dan and Jordan by checking out Knowledge Fight here. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

It's just we like I was trying to think about this like I was using this as a mental exercise if I showed up in a town And I was a stranger how long would it take me to realize the people were weird about me touching their kids like Yeah, I would never find out I wouldn't try to high five these kids or if he didn't. I mean, I wouldn't take it personally. I think it was straight. Maybe I'd get a hug tag. Let's go hug tag everybody.

No. Not all full movie. Movie. Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know who's hilarious? Who's that? Peacock. They're funny. Yep. Yep. Pretty pretty. I'm funny. We're gonna explain that. We're gonna explain that. Are we though? Are we? All right. But sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing. No. Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it.

Glad to hear it. This is one of the movies that like reminds us why we do this thing. But before we get to that, I have not one but two special new guest massacres to welcome. We have two policy wants who have committed themselves to the only subject darker and more tedious than Christian cinema. The mind of Alex Jones, Jordan and Dan are the hosts of the knowledge fight podcast gentlemen. Thanks so much for coming on the show. Hey, thank you for having us. Yeah, thank you. Good to be here. All right. So as, you know, as one of three people that have volunteered

to read David Ike books, I don't know that I have the any place to ask this, but I have to anyway, why Alex Jones? I mean, he's just confusing as hell. You know, I think there's a blowhard answer I could give, but the sure answer is he's just fascinating. He's like a, he's a pathway into understanding like right wing narratives and right wing ideology, but he's also really weird. Yeah. It's like PT Barnum was in the John Birch Society. You're an amazing

showman, but you're also utterly insane and anti-communist for no reason. But at the same time, PT Barnum is weirder than the real world PT Barnum. Yeah, yeah. Right. Is your persona? Yes, he is in court. Yeah. He would tell you that his lawyer said that. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He's a cowl. It depends on that.

Right. Right. Yeah. Who was asking? I guess. All right. So fascinating. He is in fact the gift that keeps on giving.

So we'll talk a little bit more about that at the end of the show. But before we get to that, he's tell us. And I'm so excited to hear the answer to this question. No, you're not. Just don't build it up like that. No, it's amazing. What will we be breaking down today? Okay, the movie, the answer is amazing. We watched the bells of innocence. It's the story of a priest arabine, a peacock walking into a bar. Now I'm not going to spoil that amazing setup with a punchline. We will get there. I will say we watch the movie with Chuck Norris, Mike Norris, his son and David, yeah, they are white. And it was fucking delightful. I unabashedly

loved watching this movie. It's so good. Bad good. I am. I look, I said this at the end of the show last week, but I've been looking forward to this so long years ago at one of our Liveshows a couple of listeners gave me a copy of this movie a DVD copy of this movie and I've watched it a hundred fucking times. I loved it. I show this to people when they ask me what I do for a living. This movie is fucking amazing. It's so good that when you listed the stars, you didn't even mention that Marshall Teeke is in the motherfucker. All right, so Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love touching other people's children and you're pretty sure that anybody who thinks that's weird is part of a demon called our Mike Norris.

You're Mike Norris. And you probably love this movie. Yeah. That's terrifyingly accurate. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst. Next up on YouTube when I watch it.

So YouTube was very certain that I wanted to watch a long playlist of terrible movies right after I watched it. So YouTube was very certain that I wanted to watch a long playlist of terrible movies right after I watched this. That included Roadhouse, Broken Arrow, Over the Top, and Jim Cotta. We've done all of those movies on the show, but we're all going for it. And not from YouTube. The algorithm is getting way too good.

You can do it. You might as well suggest you've got something in your teeth. Heath. Yes. Right. YouTube was standing behind me somehow. Yeah. Hold on real quick, real quick. Are you saying to me that you think Roadhouse is a good bad movie and not the greatest movie of all time? No, I spent two hours defending that movie when we did. Okay. It was. Okay. There was a lot of tears, you know, we came apart, we came back together again. Come on. Patrick Swazie doing the Thai cheese all sweaty. Cause listen, I don't know if I can swear on this show, but I used to fuck

guys like you in prison. Look, Jordan, Roadhouse is good, but it's no bells of any way. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, no, this movie could have used Patrick's Ways to be doing some Tai Chi. So like, I'll be fair, I'm gonna be fair, I'm also like, so along those same lines, this is such a weird category to have in one's life, but best worst child death. Okay.

Which one? Well, the backstory child death in this is so fucking over the top that I laughed my ass off and then I realized how hard I was laughing at a child dying in a movie and I laughed all over again. It's amazing in context. I won't see him horrible for that. I have a lot to say about that child death. But I see I'm going to go with best worst. That's odd. Throughout this movie. So little preview, we're about to watch three people who are delivering Bibles to Mexico. They're playing crashes and they end up in this weird town that's run by a satanic cult,

I think. However, everything that they find odd about this town until 14 seconds before the end of the movie is just stuff Christians do. Being unfriendly, not allowing alcohol in their town, not being welcoming to outsiders. Yeah. Yeah. Well, right, they keep finding the wrong goddamn things odd, yeah.

All right, so Jordan, Dan, any best words? My best, I have the best worst scene of all time. And I'm no we're going to be more specific later on in the show, but there's a scene where Jux, which is the only way to pronounce his name. That's the job of a character in the movie. Yeah, is the name of the character. It's short for Jux worth. He's in the dark.

Darkwing Jux, I believeosed. He's in the juxtaposed. Darkwing juxtaposed. Darkwing juxtaposed. I believe it. He's in the hotel. juxtaposed. Alright, and it's quiet. And at a certain point, he turns the radio on and immediately creepy music starts playing. It's a tiny fucking radio too.

Right. Yeah, it's a tiny, old, tiny radio from 1920s. And it starts playing creepy music, which in in movie parlance means that the radio is playing the Creepy Music. That's the language we're meant to understand. Yeah. Yeah. And then in the window pops up a little evil hooded figure.

Hello. Jack turns and looks in the head pops down. And then the next shot we see is that he is on the second floor. Right. The light goes out in the window. Yeah, exactly.

So somehow this must have been two hooded figures one on top of the other. It's the best word to content. Yes. It had to have been one guy being like, lift me up a little bit so I can see. Give me a boost. Give me a boost. I gotta go bother Mike Norris. Let me sit on your shoulders afterwards. We'll sneak into an R rated movie. Come on Then they just move on. Yeah, what do you do out there man? I'm just gonna put my face in his window It's gonna be the best hold on. I'm gonna wait until let me wait until the diagenic soundtrack is right here Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's hope he turns on creepy music. I'm gonna put a flaming bag of shit hovering outside of

For my best worst out say worst. Is it a wig? I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if Norris is rocking a wig. It looks bad. Is he? It's not good. His hair looks bad. It's wispy. He somehow predicted everyone's haircut post pandemic in this movie. We did it in 2003. That's fair. That's fair. Alright, well, as you may have gathered from our introduction, we have a lot of defok to get to.

So we're going to keep the break brief when we come back. We'll dive into all the stylized strolling that is the bells of innocence. Alright, well, it looks like you're already to sign up for your wireless plan with big cell phone company. All I need you to do is sign this contract. Oh, what was that? Oh, it's just that happens when people

are about to sign our contract. So you don't worry about it. Just a thank you. Keith, stop. There's a better way about it. Just a thank you. Keith, stop! There's a better way! He'll, I, what are you doing here? I'm here to stop you from signing that contract. Those always have a catch.

Oh. Is that true? What, my, I depends. How firm are you about keeping your soul? Meh. Keith, you can try Mint Mobile. Oh, what's... Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile what's... Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless service starting at just 15 bucks a month.

Wait, that's impossible. No! Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they're the first company to sell wireless service online only. By cutting out retail stores, there's no crazy overhead costs that gets passed down to you in the form of mystery fees. Instead, Mint just passes on sweet savings direct to you.

But there must be a catch. There must be. No way. All plans come with unlimited talk and text plus, high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all your existing contacts. And if you're not 100% satisfied, Mint mobile has you covered with a seven-day money back guarantee. Wow, that sounds great. So, do you offer that, sir? Ah, no. Hmm.

It's true, when Mint Mobile started sponsoring our show, I actually switched my self-latent over. Service is great, and I save a ton on my wireless bill. Alrighty, lie, I'm in. How do I sign up? To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash cam.

Alright, thanks Eli. Sorry sir, no deal. Okay, okay. What if I throw in a mounds bar? Ooooo, mounds bar really? Keith, we can buy one on the drive home. Yeah, he's got it right here. I want it right now. Okay. What that whole marshmallow?

Okay, everyone, welcome to the first writer's meeting for the bells of innocence. I gotta say, I'm so excited for this star-estunted cast that I get to work with. First of David A.R. White. So happy to be here guys. We are happy. We are happy to have you, man. Love your stuff. And of course the Chuck Norris has agreed to be in eight minutes of the movie, but no kicks. Yep. Yeah. No, we heard you the first time, Mr. Norris. I am willing to point. Oh, okay

Well, we'll work in some pointing. We've also got the comedy stylings of Carrie Scott. I learned a joke Yes, you did. Yes, you did and of course Mike Norris is also here My dad wouldn't do the movie unless you hired me. Yep. That is true. In there right dad Who are you? Oh, come on, Dad. I'm Mike. We've been over this.

Anyway, okay. So Mike was kind enough to write up a brief summary of the script that he's written for us. So let me, uh, let me take a look at this. Um, it's the story of a guy who had a little girl, but she died. And so he goes to this town to try to, to touch all the children, but they won't let him even for a second, which is weird. So they probably worship Satan or something.

I'm sorry, Mike. You want to make a movie about your character's attempt to touch other people's children? Yeah, and be like friends with them and stuff. Yeah, that's not better. Oh, Mike, I remember you now. You're the one with the kid touching thing, right? Finally. Okay, okay. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open up on a father, a son,

and a donkey, silhouette it against the son, and what their certain is an artistic moment. He he he. The music here is fantastic. I have it down as having unprotected sex to the call to mecca. We literally get two minutes of donkey walking. That's the start to the movie. Yeah. Well, it was great is that eventually to donkey outwalks the track they have for the camera. So they have to just start like panning over the side to follow. It's hard to push in the sand on time. Can we just have the donkey read the credits and then move on? I was rocking out to these jams. I have made it many times

publicly that I do not have the best taste in music but I have you no complaints about the sound work in this movie. I was surprised that the later like half the back part was done by the deft tones or something. Yeah. That was intense. Yeah. There was a weird kind of like I thought it was bold for a Christian movie because I felt like their audience was going to be sitting there going to wait. Is this music going to make me a gay Muslim hold on hold on. So then we get past the credits and we open up on two quote unquote native Americans. We say native Americans. These are very clearly too white people dressed up as like the Washington football mascot for Halloween. Yeah. Some dude who can't not tell you about how his grandma's dad was full-blooded

Cherokee or whatever is with again. And they're in Native American garb. It took me until the second watch to make any sense of this cold open. Yeah. I legitimately, when Jordan and I were watching the movie, I reminded him of the cold opening like towards the end of the movie. And you were like, what? That's a great point.

Why? What did this have to do within the movie? What is this supposed to be? Is this the future of the past? Well, this is 1932. Yeah. The end the kid. When is the movie?

The movie is 2003. Yeah. The movie's a press guy. Yeah. So the kid who gets saved by the Chuck Norris that you don't know is Chuck Norris except for the voice. Yes. That's the guy who has the weird premonition about the plane crashing. Yeah. So he's 80 years old. He is at least 80 years old. Yeah. This is a good movie.

Right now it all makes sense. And that premonition, I mean, spoilers for the rest of the movie will never have any fucking thing to do. No, the rest of the film. Nope, nope, nope. Yeah, it's just a reason to be weirdly colonial towards a Native American for no reason. Yes. Reason to use that mascot outfit that somebody clearly owned.

Chuck Morris bought those at like a closing Halloween adventure. And he was like, if you don't let me put these on two human beings, I am not going to be in your movie. 100% what happened. Yes. So yeah, so some bad guys monster things or something in close come out of the woods to kill the Native American father and son. The sun runs away. He gets on the donkey and halls ass falls off the donkey hard. He falls. Wait, no, no, no, they're not going, they're not going after the father and son.

They're incidental. They're chasing that guy with the flannel shirt. Yeah. The, uh, Nirvana fan in 1992. Exactly. He's the one who's getting chased and he's like, you got to save your son, dude. And there's a, like, we're outtakes from Lawrence of Arabia. I don't know what we're doing here. I don't know why we're here, man. The uncle, uh, coming back from his wood shop, he's being chased by druids or something,

running away from the mosh pit where they were. Yeah, or something. Yeah, who the hell leave it. But yeah, so the kid get runs away and luckily spirit Chuck and Doris is there. So he's going to be fine. My working theory is that that guy who's bald with the flannel shirt was trying to fly some bibles to Mexico back in 1932. See this whole thing rhymes. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.

It repeats every 70 years. All right. There's a Amelia Earhart who disappeared and then Black guy who got fucked over. I can be pretty close to the formula. Try it. All right. So now we're done with that. We've cut to present day Dallas. We're at a church.

And you know it's a movie because it's a black preacher with a white congregation. Oh, white, oh, white, and all white congregation. In fact, putting that out there. They're so white. David A.R. white is there. In fact, oh, yeah. Now he may not be a star to Jordan and Dan, but of course he's a star to us. I believe this is what this is our 20 somethings. David A.R. White movie. I do believe most of my notes are like, David A.R. White's really in the movie. There he is. You guys are so exciting. Yeah, I have no idea who this dude is. And now I found out one. He works

all the time. I'm fairly familiar with him from trailers for movies. I'll never watch. Right. So David Aaron's movies is like the gazillionaire creator of the God's not dead franchise. Mm-hmm. And the main like force behind pure flicks, which is something else that most people probably don't know all that much about. But I would say half a gazillion at this point.

Well, yeah. No. He's right. Having a career making anti-tourist movies. much about, but I would say half a gazillion at this point. Well, yeah, no, despite having a career making anti-tourist movies. Yeah, I'm having this amazingly meta moment where I realize what we're doing to our poor guest, where we're like, no, come on into the middle of this furry convention. All right. So this is true. John, all right.

You can put your fist in his ass, but so much worse because furries are so much nicer. And let's shitty the the David A.R. whiteness. It's interesting to me though, because I have this fascination with like really deep lore. And like the idea of these things existing that we don't know anything about, we just live our lives. Yeah, yeah. And meanwhile, there's like a hundred movies

that this dude has made. Yeah, right? I love it. Yeah, she's going on below the surface of your everyday life. Yeah, it's creepy. I've got to love crafty and glimpse of this. I have this eldritch horror in your name David White. There is a watcher in this movie, Dan.

Yeah, there is. Yeah. If you come to a town in Maine with us, we can show you David A. Our Whitenessy rises out of the water. When the stars are right, it is prophesied in really a David White ladies dreaming. I have a question to you guys then. Does David R. White kick ass in any of these movies? Is he like a known ass kicker? Yeah.

And he does. Oh, he does. Single. Okay. One. No, no, no. Okay. So if you really want to see David A.R. White kickass, you got to watch what was revolution road? Oh, he beats up Brian Bosworth with a giant magical hammer that.

Yeah. Oh, he kicks a lot of it. I heard Brian Bosworth and I was like, in my head, I saw Barry Bostwick and I was like, I want to watch that movie. I want to see Barry Bostwick get his ass kicked by this dude. That sounds great. Not gonna lie. I had the same mental life.

All right. So what we learned from this scene is that yes, David A. R. White is a part of the film and that him and two buddies, the gang that's going to make up the protagonists of this film are on a mission to fly some Bibles to Mexico. There's a moment where David airway says to the congregation that's just purchased all these Bibles, the people down there in that impoverished town couldn't ask for a more gracious gift. And all of us wrote our notes couldn't they though. Not food. Some of the things. All right. So after the church services over,

David is being seen off. And this is where we learn, of course, that Mike Norris' character's name is Jux. Jux. That was a problem. Hey, uh, that's soda. I pitched a Coca-Cola where they had me arrested halfway through the meeting and had out.

Do you want to use the name for your movie? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We'll use that. His name is Chuck's Jonas. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. So I learned that Mike Norse's character is nameless, Chuck's, I got so hard. I got lightheaded. I came back to the movie afterwards. And we get this scene where we have to meet Mike Norse and he's troubled, right? He's he's laying on his bed, having his dead daughter flashbacks. Yeah. This is a second place in my greatest worst movie scene of all time right here.

This one is amazing. You didn't care for the visual metaphor of the ceiling fan. So for, yeah, first of all, he's laying shirtless on the bed because if he lays on his back, it kind of looks like he's got abs, right? That counts. That counts. Yeah. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it aside with that counting, too. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, but then he's having these flashbacks and we get like him pushing around the swing and she's like, I love you, daddy. And then we get him pushing around the bike, right?

And she finally rides the bike on her own and one second later gets. I'm guessing hit by a car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's the sound effects for sure. It's a car. Yeah. We started this like this a prudertil. Yeah. Like we slowed this down and we were trying to figure out the amount of jewels that he put

on that box to figure out who exactly was it. Well, you guys think Jordan's joking, but I know research the top speed on a bike. Try to map it out. There is no way. No, he's not. 100% he pushed his daughter into traffic. Absolutely. Jamie Heinemann firing a daughter. It's just pushes her in front of a car and then it's like, what have I done? And they're on the edge of a sidewalk. It I done and they're on the edge of a sidewalk Yes, it's not like they're in the middle of a sidewalk unless that car was driving down the fucking sidewalk They would have to be it's two seconds afterwards. He had to intentionally times like okay cars coming in three

Two and push and then of course he asked like it's a big deal because the guy who just hit his daughter can see him now, right? Yeah, he was getting rid of that kid He asked like it's a big deal because the guy who just hit his daughter can see him now, right? Yeah, he was getting rid of that kid. They needed to establish somehow that the car was where it shouldn't have been. Yeah. Or he's a murderer. Yeah. Yeah.

So he's a murderer. Right. He's a murderer. Yeah. The thing too, if you notice the path behind them is winding. Like if you just pushed her in the other direction I was scared for her this whole time. I was like You're gonna do it. I do get out

Hear about to be putting a refrigerator and you're gonna make this movie happen as a He hear about to be put into refrigerator and you're going to make this movie happen as a code or something. I don't know. As a character, you are a prop. Yeah. Well, and then as if that wasn't lazy enough exposition, right, the pushing the bike into traffic wasn't lazy enough, we also hear his wife and just sort of an audio flashback as we watch him and his abs under the ceiling fan. His wife is going like, I blame you for the death of our daughter and I'm leaving you as a direct consequence.

You know, yeah, you killed our daughter. Yeah. Based on what we just saw is a very reasonable reaction. If I was his wife, I'd be pissed too. Yeah. So, okay. So then he plays a little Russian roulette. Wow, this is what I'm saying.

This is why it's my favorite scene in the movie. Because it's implied that this is how he wakes up every morning. Because he does say another day. He says you get another day whenever it clicks. So how many times has he done this on a daily basis? Right. He's like, he's like tradingers, catting himself constantly. Yeah, did he just kill his daughter like a few days ago?

I think so. It has to be, right? I get the sense that it's incredibly recent. Yeah, it's super recent. Very unlikely that it was more than 10 days ago. Yeah, statistically. Statistically, we're getting into dangerous territory. It'd be pretty funny if it was like two years and he's just like, God damn it.

Okay. Fuck. This is very unlikely. This is very unlikely. All right. I think I may have proved quantum suicide theory, guys. I think I fucked up and Schrodinger's cat is 100% dominating my life. I think I'm a wave function.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me throw this out there because Mike Norris places this gun under the very tip of his chin. Yes. And maybe he has exceeded several times. It's gotten a rug. Mike Norris is actually Jay Leno. Mike Norris is Jay Leno.

We figured it out. They pan up to the ceiling. There's just like 150 holes in it. Yeah. I mean, I don't mean to criticize the man's Russian roulette technique But yeah, you want to point at the brain? Yeah, the last thing you would want if your suicidal juxtaposed doing like his Russian roulette is to have the gun go off like his Russian roulette is to have the gun go off. It not finished the job. Right. Just from a narrative perspective that doesn't, yeah, that's a problem.

All right. So now we also have to go meet Orin. He's going to be our comic relief. Again, a guy I'm sure you guys have never fucking heard of, but he's carries Scott. We know him from America. And God's not dead. One, God's not dead. Two, faith of our fathers redeemed the first two revelation road movies Jerusalem count down holy man under cover

Wow, this is the furry guy who likes the candle stick Feel like we should be talking about flavors of Omega brain to bring you guys It was a year and a half ago. They did it as a limited run You remember that cherry was a year and a half ago, they did it as a limited run. I saw that guy and I had a really intense like, ah, shit, I know this guy from somewhere, but I didn't like what I saw him in. Yeah. And now that you mentioned it, I think it must have been a Marigadon because Alex Jones is in that.

Yes. And so I have watched that before. How great was the Marigadon? I might have blocked out a lot of it. Yeah. My, my, my gnourse was in that too, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah. I think we did a live show for a Marigadon. We did. We did a ton. That's great. And Mike gnourse came on info words to promote it. Yeah. I should see that. I should look that up. All right. So yeah. But so he's going to, I'm'm gonna use the term comic relief very loosely

as I described this guy, but apparently they read about running jokes and took it super literal. Yeah, because this is where we introduced the running joke, which is his peacock joke. And I wouldn't call it a running joke throughout the film so much as I would call it. The only thing he will say or do

for the rest of this 90-minute movie. That in bitch about stuff, yeah. He does it a lot. If the peacock joke bought like the number one GoFundMe sponsor shot for this movie, this peacock joke makes sense. It's buzz marketing for the streaming service that doesn't exist at this point. It did.

All right. So, but the gang meets up, Orrin and Jux and David A.R. White all meet up at the airplane to fly to Mexico. And a white Norris is apparently their, their pilot. So they're on the flight here and they're having the, uh, hey, man, isn't it about time you rub some dirt in that dead daughter shit and get back church? You got a moment. The guys fly in Bibles to Mexico right fucking now.

And they're acting like he's not Christian enough. Yeah. We miss you in church. Is this because your daughter's dead? It's because your daughter's dead. Is it? That whole like we miss you at church thing really gave me flashbacks of like what it was like

when I used to go to church. Like everybody being hyper intrusive. Yeah. Yeah. Thinking they're helping and just being, I just leave me alone. Right. Now, here's, here's something that I didn't even think about. All right.

If he is a member of this church and his daughter died recently, are you telling me that nobody at his church brought him like food or checks on him? He's just in his shitty apartment. Russian Roulette. Yeah. Russian Roulette. Every time I've been in a church situation where somebody died, the whole church comes together and I'm like, let me help you out.

This church's strategy is more on the, we're gilting you for not coming. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you guys. They keep showing up to his door. He's got a revolver. They're like, lasagna. Never mind.

You know what? Sorry. Also, is there an investigation into the child's death. That's why it's lying to Mexico. All right, but speaking of which, so apparently Carol Baskin's been fucking with their plane because it starts shedding parts over Texas or something. Suddenly. We hear what sounds like a large chunk of the plane falling off and then David A.R. White and Orrin are like, is that bad? Part of the part that we need.

Mike Norris reacts like he's pretty sure he just needs to slap the side of the plane a couple of times. We also have the kid that got rescued in 1932 from the beginning. We have him wandering into some church telling somebody like, I have since danger for Mike Norris again. He looks great. Yeah. He's 80 something.

Yeah. Great. Yeah. Fucking hell in it. Also, that's, that's got a great exchange there where the guys like, hey, there's evil coming to this town and your God isn't going to be able to do anything. And then the priest interrupts and he's like,

nah, our God isn't going to be able to do it. Yes, it's like, okay. That's probably the one successful line of the movie. Could be, yeah. He may be impotent, but he's our impotent. Yeah, overlaid. No, no, no, your God doesn't exist. Yours is a figment of your imager. Ben over this. Yeah. So okay. So but Mike's got a land this plane that the engines are failing or whatever. And of course,

they don't have the money to crash this plane or even land it super hard. So they just land and the cameras pointed up so we can't see that it's on a runway. It's so boring. Yeah. It's the most boring. I crash. I'm ever flying. Like I have to get drunk before I get on a plane just because of my anxiety and watching that I had no problem with it.

I was like, uh, this might be uncomfortable a little bit, but it always scared at all. Yeah, it'd be fine. Yeah. It seems like it seems like he's keeping the plane fairly level that's lighting pretty well. He's doing all right, Pearl. There's no big dips.

The landing gear is out. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, they're flying at 80 feet of altitude. So I was sitting in this big, and it's like a paper airplane landing. 50 miles an hour. Right. They were flying slower than he pushed his daughter's bike.

Is what I'm saying. All right. So, but they land and then it blesses little heart, fucking carry Scott tries to comic relief in the back. And it's just we to the point we all feel sorry for him. I'm never flying again. But no, I've better seen in the air would have been like, we've got too much weight. You got to hear.

We got to throw out ether or in North of eyeballs. Come on, you fanny. Mike Norris starts pushing the little girls out the window. How many do you bring? Six little girls? Tell your peacock joke to the ground. So these assholes just start wandering around. Now keep in mind, they have a fucking airplane here. They don't take any supplies from it. They're not carrying a bag or anything.

They're just like, ah, we're in a desert. We don't know where we are. Let's go. I'm thinking left. You guys want to go left. Hey, hey, hey, hey. They're also wearing, they're all wearing jackets and long pants walking through the desert too.

Yeah, take off their jackets. Not even trying to like put it over their head or anything. Just like, well, fine. Jucks is wearing sunglasses. We'll make it look cool. Yeah, what if we run into some chicks in the desert? Think they have to think. Yeah.

juxtaposed juxtaposed Newly single. So. This scene and any other movie would involve them like drenched in sweat. Totally. And like totally wear and tear of the desert. Yeah. That's not to be seen.

And it's a three minute long scene. Yes. Two long. Which puts together from our opening scene, at least another two minutes of walking. Yep, I want to say this movie is an hour and 30 minutes long, and it is an hour of walking to music. Well, in my mind, the subplot of this movie was that David A.R. White and Mike Norris

were trying to out-cool walk one another. Yeah, through out. So now they're wandering through the desert, every day our white and Mike Norris were trying to out cool walk one another. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. So now they're they're wandering to the desert and they suddenly they hear bells. They hear the sound of bells and they're like, Oh, fuck, man, that's in the title. We should probably follow that, right? I love they actually have to sit there and go like bells. Bells mean people. People mean help.

We should go find us. It would just be like, people would just go like, Hey, bells. We should and we wouldn't have to say anything else because they're worried the audience would be like, no, it could be a naturally occurring bell. You get a cactus that gets big enough and it's just right in the brains. This is where we come to one of my biggest problems with this movie. There is only one bell. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Jordan did talk about this a lot. There's one bell. There are no bells of innocence. There's a single bell. You're right. Singular bell. That's fair. We do not see any other bells.

There's only one bell that is missing. I think it's implied that all bells are innocent. I feel like I retract my problem back. No, I feel like I deserve like a 50% discount on this goddamn DVD. I'm going back for my So I'm sorry. I wish promised bells Yeah How great would it be if Richard Bells are just show up Hey the bells of innocence

Munch is here to save the day Detective Munch is here to save the day. You have to be much. You have to be much. This ties into the law and order universe, the homicide on the streets universe. Exfile everywhere, everywhere. Yeah, exactly. Rest in the bells of it. And the bells of it is all one universe.

The bells of verse, if you will. Clive Davis wonders in. diagnosis, Bells policy. So they wander into this town. This is series Texas. This will be the creepy, creepy town that's kind of stuck in time, but not really because they couldn't afford to do all old, timey doors. I mean, this is the most half-assed town's stuck in time. You can imagine, right? Oh, this is this. The time problem of this movie is so fucking glorious, because it's very

obviously whatever fucking remember the Alamo weekend Renaissance fair, but Cowboys Westworld want to be thing Chuck Norris signed up to do. Yes. Like autograph set for the weekend. And he was like, I tell you what, I'll knock $100, which is all you're paying me off that price if you let me shoot a movie here with my son. And they were like, so.

Yes. Right. And it's so, it's done so half-assedly that they only kind of allude to that in the movie. Yeah. Right. Because nobody has a phone and all the technologies, but you know, sometimes there's a car.

Yeah, that's shortwave. Yeah, that's right. Right, back in the days of short waves and you know, cars with fins. What? That it is funny. Explain to me what technology is acceptable and not. Why is a shortwave okay?

Can't read on camera. A phone is phone is not we can't have phones here. Also I noticed the car that ends up being introduced does have plates on it. It does have. So the registered it has Texas plates. Look, look the law is the law. Yeah. That was bizarre. But where is St. Tannock called? Sure, but you still got to register.

Right. So that lady had to go to a different larger town in order to get place, because there's no DMV in my town. That is not a DMV. What sovereign citizens here would take it seriously. Now I want to watch the St. Antic DMV though, wherever it was, just chocolate staring into the middle distance. Do not touch the children.

You will need to spend $80 to register. Okay. Speaking of touching the children, yeah. Can you talk about the worst plot point that ever happened that starts with the neat cute eye? Thank you. Noah, I have a fan theory. This was supposed to be, yeah, this was supposed to be an grown woman, this little girl part. And at the last minute, she dropped out because she couldn't be within 25 feet of Mike

Norris. And they were like, we'll just use a girl child instead and cut the smooch in scene. And that is how this movie makes sense. Isn't that Chuck Norris' granddaughter? It is. It is, right? Yeah, who plays Lerick? Yeah, the Lerick is played by Chuck Norris. We got more than three Norris' hanging out in this film.

Yeah, also, A.R. White's wife is Chuck Norris' daughter-in-law or something. Of course, of course. No, not their Norris. You know, we know A know our white wife pretty well. We would have recognized her. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to call you on that one. Oh, no, I in the movie in the movie.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, right. Okay. I got you. Okay. That injury Logan White. Yeah. I didn't pretend to tell you the white. We do that on our show.

Yeah. How did you guys like being on God of a movie? It was okay. There was like 30 minutes in. They stopped and yelled at us for a while about doing their wife's family tree. They had a quiz about how we don't know enough about his personal life.

Yeah. We did badly. So no, okay. So let me back up just a little bit for the audience here. So here's how this actually plays out So Mike Norris's character of course he lost the little girl in the movies universe for pretending that wasn't intentional and it was an accident He's a murderer. Yeah, right But in the universe where he's not he walks up onto this porch

Sees this little girl staring at a gumball machine as try as though she's trying to like, you know burn a hole in it with her eyes And he buys her a gumball first of all as though she's trying to like, you know, burn a hole in it with her eyes. And he buys her a gumball. First of all, don't do that shit to kids. You don't know if that kids diabetic or something. Fuck Jesus don't give other people's kids candy. But then secondly, he plays it like he's falling in love. Yeah. It's really creepy.

It's super creepy. Yeah. Like Mike Norris is apparently not a good enough actor to not play this like I want to fuck this little kid. And what's more jarring is that she's playing it right. Yeah, she's acting like it's sort of innocent, little child, which is why it's 10 times creepier the way he's acting. Yes, yes, she's not being standoffish at all. She's like, it's unnerving. Yeah. Also, who's maintaining that gumball machine? Right. There's still a guy who comes around to pick up the change. The St. Tannik overlards are having a dark meeting and they're like, we need to order more

refills. They have St. Tannik dry storage that means it's so yeah, so much. All right, Lyric, you can have your one gumball every 10 years. That's fine. Yeah. Right. So, okay. So, meanwhile, the gang goes into this old timey saloon with a perfectly modern closet door and napkin dispenser since so many years.

And this is where we learn that this is a dry county. There's no beer and also that might Norse is a raging alcoholic, right? Everywhere he goes in this movie, I'll be like, is there beer here? Is there a chance to do a product placement for a, is it Lone Star? No, it is a, it's a China box. Yeah, it's China box. That in deja-blu clearly paid for a product placement. It worked. I'm drinking a deja-blu clearly paid for product placement. It worked.

I'm drinking a deja-blu restaurant. Yeah, nailed it. Yeah, and then so they're in the saloon, they find out that there's no phones in this town, and they also find out that there's no auto part store from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris. Yeah.

And can we take a moment to talk about Chuck Norris's appearance in this movie? This is not We just took a moment the end But he's also bedraggled and tired look he looks like he's just gotten over a bad flu and he's tired. He looks like he's just gotten over a bad flu. He's out of the film. Yeah, he looks like like his son tricked him into this one, right? This is not Walker Texas Ranger so much as it's crawl over to the toilet Texas ranger. He may have lost a bet. Yeah, right, exactly. He's like, I can't drink like I used to. Fine, I'll be in your fucking movie. All right. And then he's like, bad, can't drink like I used to fine. I'll be in your fucking movie. All right.

So yeah, and then he's like, but you know, I don't know about no phone, but I do know where you might be able to find a shortwave radio. And they're like, well, that's fucking weird. Okay. Where? But he walks out so they all have to leave without getting their drinks for paying for anything because stupid movie. Yeah, fuck you.

Now that waitress has to avoid the drinks. You have to get a manager card and it's busy at the time. It's packed, except it is packed. Come on, get the manager card from Satan. Yeah. I do, I do like the way that they exit the restaurant though, because there's the cut of Chuck Norris walking out very calmly. And then it just does this really harsh jump cut to them like Scooby-Dooing out of the restaurant

where they jump out of those tables, this fast thing. We'll be off to the next. Whoa, there's a shortwave. We gotta go, guys. Also, so the Chuck tells them to go find this lady who will take us to the shortwave. But then spoiler alert, she takes them to Chuck Norris' house. He's playing games. Yeah.

Yeah, he just vaguely dragged out this plot constantly. We're going to find out he's a good, yeah, it makes. There's no reason that he couldn't have been like, go over to my place guys. I got a short way to follow me. I have a horse or at the least like, hey, this woman has a car so we can get you to a car and she can get you to a car and she can get you there. Not like, I know a woman who knows where the short radio is to be found.

She can help you solve the riddle. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. My house. He caulked lives at midnight. What does that mean, man? Just, are we going to your house for the radio? Just say the thing.

When I get to her house, is she gonna ask me to gather three herbs from the fucking countryside? This is stupid. So okay, all right. So they show up at this house that Chuck Norse was telling about and a beautiful young woman answers the door. If you're thinking to yourself,

oh, that must be the love interest and you're thinking more about this movie than the people who wrote it, right? No, no, that's a child. Yeah. So, but she reluctantly agrees to take them to the short way right now. She has to drive them there because of course it's at Chuck Norris's house. We don't know that yet. But this is also where we meet her creepy kid. Yes. I

mean, this kid could not be more boring or unissued in the film. Yeah. I need so many more action movies to involve this shitty kid. For the role that that kid is playing, he killed it. Yeah, yeah. I think I led to the one genuine comic moment I remember is in the in the movie in the back of the car, the Orrin comic relief as well as like, you like football and the kid has a really good delivery of no. Yeah, it's pretty fantastic. And then they just move on. Like we didn't need that, but it did work. like you like football and the kid has a really good delivery of no. Yeah. It's pretty fantastic.

And then they just move on like we didn't need that, but it did work. Yeah. Also, by the way, while they're driving over to Chuck Norris's house, they go three deep in that back seat with the kid in the middle. There's no way that they didn't touch that kid. They had to touch them. They touched the shit out of that kid. All right. So meanwhile, so well, they're heading out over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, two bad guys. It never there's never a reason for it. It never makes any sense, but we have

to cut over to there like dimly lit candle lit evil black walled layers so that they can stand there and talk about the plan that they both know about to each other for a minute. Yeah. How did you guys imagine the hierarchy went between the two of them? I feel like this is a co-manager situation because they're very clearly dictating the plan to someone they think they are in charge of and they're both doing it. But beard guys doing the power move thing. He's got a chair that's slightly higher and he placed the like weird one candle so you can't really see anything.

And he's speaking in weird bad poetry the whole time. I feel like he's the regional manager. This guy's like a lower level like, you know, floor salesman of Satan. See, now, now the way that I have to read it though is because when we find out that Emma Reedus, great again, the names in this movie. Perfect. Bearded fella. Bearded fella.

90 years ago or whatever. 180. 180 years. So that's right. 180 years ago. Okay. We see the other guy appear in like a vision to him is the co-manager appears in a vision to the child before he turns evil. So the co-manager I read as actually Satan. He's the one who's actually running everything behind the scenes because he didn't age. I see what I'm saying. Yeah, that's my theory on that. Yeah, I can't make heads or tails of it. I think you're right about who's in charge here, though, but we'll get to that.

I feel like, you know, look, at this point in the movie, there's still all the promise in the world that this is going to tie together and make sense. And I feel like the audience makes me clinging to that hopeful alludes. Is there? So we're going to pause for another break, but we're going to be back soon with even more make sense and I feel like the audience will be clinging to that hopeful alloo is there. So we're gonna pause for another break, but we're gonna be back soon with even more of the bells of innocence. Welcome to typically shady sex shop in a nearby strip mall. Would that be all for you, sir? Yeah, I'll take these two and then I'd like this stuff for free. So we don't just give you free stuff.

In fact, we charge everything as an insane markup because we hope you're gonna be too embarrassed to put anything back. So where did you get the idea that we could give away free stuff? Adam and Eve.com. What's Adam and Eve.com? Seriously?

I'm here in the sex shop. Oh yeah, you're here in the sex shop? Yeah. What are you shopping for, Eve? I am getting a, a, I, I, I, you know what, never mind, I'm not in the sex shop, it's fine. That's what I thought. Adam and Eve.com is the number one adult toy superstar.

Oh yeah, it would make them so great. Well, they started as a master's thesis in family planning. They were the first mail order contraceptive business in America and their LGBTQ and sex work positive. Oh, that, that actually is pretty great. Yeah, and when you use our code awful at checkout, you can select almost any one item for 50% off, and then Adam and Eve loads on the free stuff. Yeah, what kind of free stuff? A cockering, a vibrator, and a loop sample plus six free pornoes.

Wow, that's a lot of free stuff. It sure is, plus there's free shipping. Wait, was that code again? That's awful. A-W-F-U-L offer code awful at checkout at adminive.com. From 50% off almost any one item and a bunch of free stuff. All right, so that actually sounds pretty good. Hey, what do you think my friend was here to buy? I mean, he was looking. It was books, I was buying books about what working?

At the sex shop? Yes, that's why I left. I didn't have any books about what working. Okay. Thank you so much for coming. No problem, ma'am. Yeah, however we can help. Jonathan, come in and say hi to the nice men.

Whatever, mom, go! Listen to you. We don't have much time, but what I need you to know. You're using games on your phone? Uh, no, sorry. Can I see it real quick? My phone? I just told you.

Whatever. Right, um, so this town, it's filled with Satan worshippers, and their unholy right is to spill the blood of... You said whole. Jonathan! What? You're such a bitch! Whoa, whoa, kid, don't call your mom a bitch! You even know her, I'm going to my room!

BOOM! Anyway, um, I was hoping you would take Jonathan with you to save him from human sacrifice. Not a chance. Yeah, actually, that might help. That's two votes for helping from me. Ha ha ha ha ha! And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the gang. I'm still riding from Diana's place over to the short-rate radio where, of course, this

is going to be Chuck Norris's house. Right. The show up and they're like, hi, we met moments ago. You did a riddle about a radio or something. Can you just give it to us? Directly. Mysteriously had a Bible from our downed plane. Yeah.

Now you've made us go through over the hills and grandmother's house to your house for the radio. And within five seconds, juxtaposed like, can I have a beer? Yeah, right. Yeah. Someone can be a fucking beer. Oh, but it's in bullshit. I need a fucking beer. Oh, riddles and bullshit. I need a shiner.

And we just watch Chuck Norris in real. And there's no acting here. Just disappointedly watch Mike Norris. Chuck of beer. This is the fuck. This is pre-boyhood boyhood. Yeah, but he's like, yep, there's my shortwave radio that I just keep set up in my living room right there just in case of a moment like this, right?

Yeah. And luckily for him, while he's flying the Bibles to Mexico, David A.R. White's wife just sits by the shortwave radio the whole time. Yep. Yeah. Just moving dials. Yeah, like a good Christian wife does. What are you talking about? Yeah.

Have you not read the Bible, sir? Just in and the frequency is trying to find. See, I really wanted this SOS called to interrupt her having phone sex with a trucker somewhere and she's just, Oh, it's just sleeping. It's breaker, breaker, fuck. Okay. So, fuck. Okay.

So, husband. Yeah, so he gets around the line and he's like, wife, wife, our plane crashed. We're okay. We're in series Texas. Hello, hello. And then the whole thing goes out, right? Because that would solve the goddamn movie if that didn't happen. What's so amazing is they make it with no interruption or static at all through small

talk for six minutes. And then he's like, we're in and the radio time. Yes. Right. But I mean, it's kind of a plot contrivance that doesn't matter. Like, that town doesn't exist, right? Yeah. Yeah.

They're like, series hasn't existed for a million years. Right. My daughter died 30 years ago. Okay. Well, then how do you get a fucking shortwave years. Right. My daughter died 30 years ago. Okay. Well, then how do you get a fucking shortwave radio? Right. So. And then we get Davies wife.

She's on the phone trying to rustle up some help for them. And I loved her reaction because apparently she knows the plot. Her reaction isn't, oh, I must have misheard him. There was a lot of static. Mm-hm. Right? No. No, our reaction is like, oh man, they got sucked into a demon town, didn't they? Oh god, this movie was too good.

We don't deserve a movie. This good. Okay. So now Diana is going to take the gang to a hotel so that they can stay in the creepy hell town long. Okay, I just want to point out, and again, you guys watched this movie collectively 18 more times than I did. This hotel, through all the creepiness that they will introduce in the scene, never matters. Nope, not once. It's just a hotel, it might as well be a fucking motel six.

Right, which means that when the guy who gives them their room keys is like you're lucky We've got three rooms left and the world of this movie was just like I feel like I came on too strong I made that weird. I made that weird. Why do they have a fucking hotel? They don't have anything else. This is where we get into like, is everybody in the town in on it or not? Because otherwise, there's no reason for this hotel owner to be so creepy. But we have three rooms available. I think he might just be a weirdo. He thinks it's possible.

He's gonna be a weirdo. Yeah. All right. The hotel's just full of missionaries and we try to bring bipolar. Yeah, I'm gonna see. He goes to the other non-bar and he's talking to his buddies, like, man, I did my creepy hotel guy thing and it killed. Yeah, that's fair.

There's nothing in that town that appears to be a tourist location. No. They're hostile to outsiders. Right. So it only seems like they'd have a hotel for people to have a fairsat like in the town. Yeah.

Well, but it's like 206 people. So like, I mean, they're gonna, yeah, it's fucking amazing that there's no point. Like, you gotta but it's like 206 people so like I mean they're gonna know yeah It's fucking amazing that there's no point like you got to figure the guys like then you know I hadn't anybody here's some millionaire hardest guy. I was thinking I was gonna go to a different fucking business But you know what normally we rents by the hour So okay, so but they're gonna go check into their rooms then we watch Mike norris settle into his hotel room Why would we watch that Why would you show us that he lays on his bed with his shoes on like some kind of ass?

So that's a hotel bed a million air hard has to sleep Oh, I want him to call down to the front desk and ask if they have a revolver, they can loan him for his pre-bed time rush to realize. I was gonna say I'm furious he doesn't bring his gun with him. What if he's got an overnight stay somewhere, okay? If you've got an overnight stay, you bring your toiletries and for him his morning routine is a gun bridge, yeah. I don't understand. He opens up the nightstand, it's just a giddy and Bible and a gun. Oh, yeah, that's okay.

Okay, they got the juxtapes at this hotel. Yeah. All right. He's got a heads and tails it with a toaster and a bathtub to make it work. Is it plugged in or is it not? We'll find out one more day, one more day. All right. So he lays there being haunted by creepy whispers for a little while and then he goes off to track down gumball girl. Yeah, that was unsettling. Yeah, that's not cool. Oh, God. So, yeah, so we have a longer meet cute between the two of them, whereas he tells her how pretty she is and she says he looks like her suicidal dad. Yes, she has an interesting backstory that she tosses off very quickly. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, my dad killed himself. Anyways, moving on. Yeah, we also learned here that her name is Lyric, which is fucking weird. I feel like juxtaposed Jonas just didn't want to have the dumbest name in the movie. I think it's a reference to Cyril, which is a scramble, a jumble of Lyric, Cyril of Alexandria with the devil's right theology writer. That's probably it. I'm sure that's what Mike Norris was saying.

I'm sure that's what Mike Norris is. The movie's deeper than everybody thinks. I'm just saying. Which one of us becomes ogre in Revenge of the Nerds right now in school? How? Yeah. All right. Now, now, now do that letter rearranging trick with Jux. Yeah.

Su Jux. Yeah. Oh, Jux. Oh, yeah. No, that's just, that's all losing at Scrabble moment right there. Yeah. And then we go back to the fucking saloon where Orin is trying out his peacock choke again with the town spokes.

Oh, he's, he's just yelling at everyone in the bar for not getting the punch line. Yeah. Fantastic. It's a good joke. You gotta tell it. Zero Alexandria. See you again. You'll see a peacock's going to be in this movie later and he's going to think it's

fucking great. You're fucking book by serial representation. They weren't surprised when there was a real peacock. No, no one was. Yeah, that would be something very surprising for that region at that time of year. Yeah. And for people who've been talking incessantly about the cars. It would be a coincidence at least.

Yeah. That makes me mad. I think they'd mention it. So okay, so now we have a, we have to have one of the several trying and failing to touch a child's scenes. Right, so this is where David A. R. White is standing out in front of the church and he sees this family there.

And he's like, hey guys, can I touch you kid? No, weird. Okay, if I can get a little metaphor a moment, what happens in this movie is they are doing something, something to the kids, and they can never be touched by outsiders. That will not be revealed until 14 seconds before the end of the movie.

Yeah. So this movie is just our main characters walking around being like, let me give you a kid a back rub and then being like, weird, but they said no to that, right? Yeah, the problem is that, yeah, they don't let the audience in on the meaning of like the touching of the children being like,

it'll protect them from demons or whatever. Right. And everybody in the town is, like if you don't have that information, is acting incredibly appropriate. Yeah. When the parents pull their kid away from David A.R. White, it's like, well, that's reasonable. That's fine.

Oh, this weirdo blonde stranger wandered into town and wants to start fucking around with our kids. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here, man. And we know these guys are from a church. So they're way more likely to be pedophiles than normal, right? Right. That isn't even like that doesn't even enter into it necessarily.

No, it doesn't. Like, it's, it's just, like I was trying to think about this. Like I was using this as a mental exercise. If I showed up in a town and I was a stranger, how long would it take me to realize that people were weird about me touching their kids? Like, I'm a high five or a ham shape. I would never find out.

You never find out. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't try to high five these kids or if he didn't high five, man, I wouldn't take it personally and pick it with strength. Maybe I'd pick him a hug tag. Let's go.

Hug tag everybody. No, maybe that's a rolling bet that they all have. All three of these guys just fly around to different towns and they're like, okay, how creepy can you be before we find out something's wrong with the children? How long does it have scenes in the director's eye? I hate playing this game. Jeffrey always wins. All right, so me, of course, Mike Norse is still flirting with his 10 year old. This is where he puts her up in a tree. She's wearing a skirt. Oh, God, I don't like

this scene at all. She says, was your daughter pretty? And he says she was pretty just like you. I was backing away from this movie like a tarantula at this point. Yeah. That's real creepy. Yeah. Right. No, because at this point, there has been zero indication that these two are not the love interests of the film. There's, I can't imagine the people making this movie not recognizing like the problems that are so like in your face with this structure, it's set up. It's very, it's very bizarre. Yeah.

And the lines are written so that they come off way creepier than they need to be. Yeah. Every, yeah, like, oh, this kid is super gorgeous. And you're like, I didn't, you didn't need to say it like that. You can't, you can't rewrite a movie. You don't have to like, just, oh, well, we put it down so we gotta film it. Well, and that's the most amazing thing, right? Because I can almost see like, you write it and then you don't realize just what a creepy fuck

Mike Norris is and how much he's gonna play that like he wants to bone this kid. Right? But once you realize that, yeah, you could rewrite his lines and you could make him like, say like, I think you're platonically pretty or something. But yeah. So anyway, so she falls out of the tree and he catches her

and just then her uncle shows up. Her uncle is the MVP of the film, by the way. Yeah. I have a love her uncle. I have a hunch that's not really her uncle. Look, here's what I'm going to say. If I ever walk outside of my house and find that someone is holding my child, cradle style, I am also going to fist fight that. Yeah, so the

uncle is like dragging lyric away from Norris, right? And he's being a bit abusive. Honestly, he's put these tough super abusive places. That's right. One point. Yeah. Yeah. Because she's like, he's my friend. Exactly. And then I the uncle hits her and then

Mike Norris punches the dude and then he chokes Lamsa. Yeah. None of this then Mike Norris punches the dude and then he chokes lambs him. Yeah None of this is Mike Norris's business. No, no way Mike Norris You are not supposed to be here and the problem that I have is knowing what we know at the end of the movie that lyric is basically a demon She's orchestrated all of this To manipulate Mike Norris Jucks into Thinking of her as his own child or whatever. So she did this and tricked fake uncle into having this confrontation where in order to elicit this reaction from juxtapose he had to hit her.

Right. And then he she kills the uncle. It's so weird. Yeah. The uncle has the he, she kills the uncle. It's so weird. Yeah. The uncle has the most complete narrative arc to me. Right. Here's how we, we meet her uncle. He's like, Hey, I need to protect this girl who whether or not he knows that she is

a literal demon is up for grabs. So then he does that. Then he hits lyric for some reason, which if he does know she's a demon, I'm fine with that. No, I think I think that was part of her plan. Right. Right. So then she kills him or forces him to hang himself. Right.

And we never deal with the fact that he has super strength. Nope, which kind of suggests that he is also a demon. So why do you got to kill him? Right. Yeah, what can you kill the demons by hanging them? Yeah. Right. He had to have an accident because he hit her. Yeah, that's what that's what they imply, right? Wild, she put a she put a noose in his nightstand. He woke up and he was like, you know what?

1 to 6 1 to 6. Oh, yeah, you can't yeah, you can't rush and roulette with a noose unfortunately. I guess it not another day for me. I put six of them together that didn't know. Oh. So and then David, okay, so when the uncle chokeslammed Mike Norris, he knocked him the fuck out. So David comes across, juxtust laying unconscious on the ground in town. He's like, Hey man, I can think of no good situations that lead to this. So you're trying to touch a kid again. I can think of no good situations that lead to this. So. Okay. Hey, were you trying to touch a kid again?

Yeah. This seems like a reasonable result of that circumstances. Yeah. But that's what he says. That's what Juck says. He's like, so I'm flirting with this girl and her uncle. It's all fucking angry. It does sound like he's saying I'm talking.

He's like, I'm telling this girl. Yeah, I met a girl. Yeah. Yeah. The language that they use is not appropriate for the situations. No, I met this hottie by the gum ball machine. Right. Well, here's the fucked up thing, right?

Cause Mike Norris says I was talking to this girl and then Orrin interrupts them. And he's like, hold on, hold on, man. I want to hear about the little girl he was telling me about. So like, David A.R. White's character knows Norris well enough to know that when he says I met a girl, he's talking about a fucking 10 year old, right? Shia. Yeah.

Guys, we're getting off track. It doesn't, the age doesn't matter. This guy picked me up with one hand and chose slimmed me. Yeah. Can you believe that? He's definitely way too used to mic Norris's behavior. David A.R. White's like, yeah, you tried to be a friend of child again and an adult beat you up for it. And he's like, good job to be a friend

of Donald again. I wanted to do do a Flashback where that happens across several different times. No, no, no, and it is, it is getting to a disturbing pattern of behavior where if juxtaposed backstory was that he had killed a lot of his daughters, I would believe it. Or if the girl that he pushed into traffic wasn't his daughter, someone else's daughter who would have met. Exactly, he'd just better. Yeah.

His wife was leaving him because he killed somebody else's daughter. Yeah. That makes way more sense. Yeah. If you won this movie by pushing Satan as a little girl into traffic. Oh, there you go.

In front of Diana's star. Oh, there you go. Oh, Jesus Christ. So yeah, but so and this is the most baffling fucking combination of sentences, effort and a movie. Mike Norris is telling what happens. Like, yeah, so anyway, I ran into a guy that has superhuman bad guy strengthy through me through a wall. Anyway, I'm going to go back to the hotel, take a little nap.

Yes. Yep. You shouldn't do that, man. You might have a concussion. He's super bad for your long term health. I mean, this is juxtaposed. David R. White has both fingers crossed and he's like, concussion, concussion, concussion. Yeah.

This movie makes more sense as if the second half is all just juxtaposed dealing with CTE. Like that. That I'm like, okay, I can see how that would do that would happen. Yeah, I could just did murder his daughter. Right. So, so yeah, so it's, oh, and all this time when they're talking about like, there's something wrong with this town, we should get out of here. There's a guy who's right behind the tree listening to them. Oh, for the way. Yes, he could not be hit by that entire tree.

He doesn't eat clearly. This guy's getting more and more obvious throughout the movie and it's, it was hilarious by this point. Yes, yes, absolutely. He's like, spy, spy, spy. Hold up a newspaper, the whole cut in it. Yeah. So, and just when you're thinking to yourself, man, the only thing that could make this movie better, honestly, is zombies. We cut to the old Satan guy summoning some

fucking zombie. Okay. All right. All right. It's my dark denizens of the deep and do nothing. Yes. Right. And have no effect on the plot at all. Go do reconnaissance for me. He threw a second floor window. I want to watch you zombies complain to Satan later about their job. That I mean, he rose us from the dead literally to stand there with torches. Excuse me, dark one. He made us stand one on top of each other's shoulders to look in a second floor window, looking for information that he could have got just by asking.

Dan, what did we say? You would just ask and you wouldn't do the whole thing. Sorry, I blanked on stuff to use the zombies for and they're only good for so long. I really need to remain in here, so as soon as they come in, because this is the gap is a lot. It's like when you buy too much weed and so you smoke too much weed and then you realize that you've smoked too much and then you don't know where you should put the weeds, you put it in the fridge and then it's to go, I freaked out. I freaked out.

Okay. Can we get rollover zombies so that I'm not so worried if I'm using them? All right. So yes, so we introduced some zombies just so they can look in Mike Norris's window for a minute. And then it's the next morning and Dave and they are white and Mike Norris are talking. They're like, you know, how'd you sleep? Oh, there's zombies in the window. You know, it's not great.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. Not great. Is it this their first night in the town? He says, I heard those strange noises again. Right. We haven't established that you heard them before. It's true. You guys haven't talked about this is your first night there. And Mike Norris reacts as though he's hearing this for the first time, despite the again being there. This movie desperately needed like a script supervisor. Yeah. Just like, or a skeleton

key. I had this issue where you, like, I had no idea how long they'd been at the time, in the town for any, at any point, could have been there a month, could have been there for four hours. No clue. I had, I had no clue why they were still there at various points. They keep saying, like, we got to get out of this town. It's like, there's no reason you can't leave. Don't stop in you. They're not in a hurry either. Yes, 360 degrees. Every one of them leads out. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Maybe Lube has a short rave wave, right? Yeah. It doesn't ever. It does have such a Scooby-Doo plot, though, because they're flying in the mystery van. Right. It breaks down in some random town,

and they're like, well, we're just the kind of rag tag group of fellas to solve their problems. We've got all these creepy people around. And it turns out it's the devil in the form of a child. Exactly. They take the kids, they take lyrics, mad and scoff and they're like, oh, it was old man, the devil, the whole time.

This old man, and I would have gotten away with it if Mike Norris wasn't a pedophile. File again. This damn kids wouldn't let us touch him. All right. So they're heading out for another day on the town. As they're leaving the hotel Diana shows up. The girl who took him over to Mike Norris house and she says, Hey, you guys meet me after some undetermined period of time is a lapse. I don't know why I'm not just asking you to get in the car. And every character, all these characters check in with each other like, fuck stuff, right? This is a fuck stuff thing she wants to do a little roll on the thing. All right.

So, all right. So we head back to the saloon where Oran's new buddy, the one that showed who's, Rist, we saw with the brand on it earlier, wants to learn football. We have this weird diversion into that for a few minutes. The entire reason for this scene is that it's impossible to teach children football without touching them. Yeah, the line reading there, because I... David, David our white ass.

Yeah, yeah, where he's like, what do you, you can't teach these kids football? What do you want to wind up like juxtaposition moment? You touch a kid, you're going to get thrown on the ground or something like that. And you're like, well, I mean, I guess. Now, the problem that I have with that is that at this point in the movie, they shouldn't be aware of the fact that juxtaposition got beat up because he has touched lyric and therefore right interfered with the devil's plan for souls. It's not the touching. No, they don't know anything about the touching yet. It's just him and lyric specific. Yeah. Well, and he punched the guy in the

head before that dude threw him. Yeah. Feel like that would be you would think, you know, he probably threw me because I punched him in the fucking face. Yeah, they're understanding the situation should be I accidentally got in the middle of a domestically violent situation, an abusive uncle niece relationship and a guy chokes lay me through a fence. Yeah. It should have been like, I was poking my nose into other people's business in ways that were inappropriate. The touching part really shouldn't be anything that they pay attention to.

No, no, it should not, but they're like, you can't, this is another town where you can't even touch a kid. Exactly. Yeah, this keeps happening. I kept reading in like this, this, like this is the future liberals want kind of shit. You know, if you go to a liberal town, you're not even going to be able to randomly touch strangers. Is this what you want?

Just cancel culture going to the park. Yeah. Yeah. We showed up with a wooden box full of bibles and what do you know they won't let us touch their kids. Right. They don't know that there's a cult at this point. No, they didn't see the zombies outside. They don't know that there's evil afoot.

Not a god damn thing. No, all they know is that the people creepily stare at them. And like you're right. Right. So, yeah, right. Police. So the town's people are not wrong. No, right. So, okay. So meanwhile, so we cut the lyrics. She's in a big, Candlely Satan room, patient back and forth talking to old man Satan words. Emeritus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess they gave him that name because education is the devil. I know, I to know I need to read. He's a retired professor. He's retired.

He's retired. Exactly. Yeah. Amarita's prep professor of evil. Yes. Okay. I have a question now. Is the plot of this movie at this point, lyric, an independent demon of freelance demon

is working on juxtaposed while Emma Reedus, professor of demonology, is trying to work on like a town wide Satan plan with the help of the assistant to the regional manager. I hadn't considered that they could possibly be working at cross purposes from time to time. Wait, so Emeritus is not Satan, right? So she's Satan this whole time. I interpreted it as like she's actually the big bad guy. Right. She's actually in like over both regional managers. Yeah. Yeah. Cause she has the she has the scene with Chuck Norris later on where they're both like old but like

it's a heat like they're okay. Well, I'm on the good side of the law and you're on the bad side of all, but we respect each other for how much hard we work at this job. And she has, she has the moment later, like at the end of the movie in a dream sequence, where she's like the catalyst of trying to win. And juxtapose faith. I think, I think that she's actually the big evil. Yeah. And that scene with her in the candle room is like legitimately, whereas

like this movie is now interesting. I was wrong. But that was the closest to interesting that I'd ever got. But yeah, that might take away was that that was like Satan incarnate or some high level demon taking the form of a little girl because they knew that would be juxtaposed weakness, right? Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Exploit his pain and need for to feel a connection with a daughter again. Right. Exactly. But they tell it so fucking wrong. And happy and dumb. Yeah. We've just done this movie such a huge favor by expressing that one. Once once you find out that Lyric is evil and all that. Yeah. I honestly think that she's acting incredibly well. I think that she plays that role super well. Well, I mean, we're

comparing her to David A.R. White. I was going to say in this scene, Emma Rita's doesn't seem to know that lyric is also a demon or because at one point he's like, you should be careful. You've been touched too by the right. Well, if she's a demon, who the fuck cares what? Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't make sense. Why is everybody freaking out? Also, she told Emma Reedus that she killed her uncle. Yeah. It's like the first half of this script does not know the second half of the script. They've never met. They're not related. They just share names. There's so much in this shit. doesn't make sense if you assume that she's the one actually behind everything,

but none of it makes sense if you don't assume that. So yeah, it's wildly stupid. Speaking of which, we now have to cut over to Diana's place so that we can watch her feed her horses for 18 minutes and then get a pop scare. Hey, bye, Amarina's. She's like feed my horse, feed hello. feed her horses for 18 minutes and then get a pop scare. I am a retus. She's like feeding my horse, feed, hello, Diana. Feeding the horses?

Yes. Right. Okay. Good talk. Yes. Do you see him imply that Emeritus is Diana's child's father? Yes. Okay.

I couldn't tell if I was reading too much into it. So actually, I think he's supposed to be, we haven't even met the other bad guy really in the movie, but I think he's supposed to be the other bad guy's son. The mayor? Yeah, the mayor. Yeah. I thought, I thought a meritus was the dad of Jeremy with Diana. That's what I'm saying. It's the other guy who's saying that who's just talking about that later, the mayor guy who's talking about that later. Oh, okay. Well, that clearly might have missed that. Yeah.

Right. But we also, but we learned that we're right on the eve, apparently of Jeremy losing his soul in the ill-defined satanic ritual that the kids undergo at age 12. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So meanwhile, David and Mike are cool walking through town a little bit more heading out to Diana's place to meet her for the Fox stuff. And they get there and she's like, look, please, we need to get out of this town. Please take my terrible shitty son. I can't say why, but just take him with you. Yeah. My favorite part of the scene, she looks out the window at one point

of her house. They go into the house, she looks out the window. She's like, bad guys are spying on us. They're they're right outside and she like makes eye contact with one of them. He's like, oh, shit. And he starts whittling a spear. Yeah. That would be inconspicuous. He's like whistle whistle. Oh no, I would need Yeah, so the bad guys are surrounded us. She starts to kind of half-assedly explain the plot, but not really. She's still being coy about the fucking plot. Yeah, so she wants them to sort of get her kid out of town before he gets the mark of Satan that the guy has on his, his wrist and then he's going to lose his soul.

Right. Yeah. But she has the mark also. Yes. So she should not have a soul. Right. Right. But apparently if you've lost your soul, you can later grow up and then team up with good

guys in order to. Yeah. You feel bad about it. What does losing your soul mean in this? Exactly. And, and let me, let me give you this bucket of syrup. All of this is misdirection by a demon child who's actually the devil to get Mike Norris to shoot a guy later in the movie. Yeah, well somebody's got to. Yes, that's the plot. All right, so they're leaving Diana's place. They've got to go back to Matthew's house because he's the only other character that's the plot. All right, so they're leaving Diana's place. They've got to go back to Matthew's house, because he's the only other character that's Chuck Norris' character.

But on the way, they run into the kids playing satanic ring around the rosy. Yeah, they ran out of creepy child games for these children to play in the initial shot. We have it them. So in the third shot, they're just like, okay, I'm wearing a ball gag and you're sitting on his shoulders Pro and DVD copies of the the engagement at him go now My favorite line of this entire movie good line comes right there whenever she just appears She is lyric is talking to them and then from the kids game is like yes lyric It's your turn to supplicate yourself before the

Punisher. Like no, no context for that. Just like, you know, the normal games that we used to play. Gotta go. She's like, I gotta go punish her, supplicate. And they're like, yeah, that's, that's, that's what's gonna happen. I'm sure we're gonna get out of here. That was like a line that was said from off camera, too. So it're like, yep, that's, that's, that's, that's what's you're not right now. Sure. We're gonna get out of here. That was like a line that was said from off camera, too. So it's like, it's clearly like, this is like, let's throw it in. Yeah. Yeah. It's just bouncy.

Well, let's voice over and pause. We'll figure it out. So the guys all meet up again, and they remind us that the plot vaguely involves them wanting to leave, right? Like again, somebody goes, like, man, we got to get out of this town. And then they just don't. They're not even smart enough to create some sort of like, oh, we tried to leave, but then this distracted us. What are they gonna do? Ask to borrow somebody's car

that it's already established they have and drive to a nearby town, find help, and then drive the car back with somebody else later on. What kind of insane person would think that a very reasonable series of events would be the thing to do. Now, they're more like, hey, we gotta get out of this town,

but first, let's rent an apartment. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But inside of the apartment, please don't, this car is ours. We gotta get the fuck out of here, but let's start a business. Yes. That general store could be outdone easily.

We'll start a wall marty will start one where you're allowed to touch the kids. Everybody. Yeah. So anyway, they're having this conversation. And then you remember the football thread. You were afraid we were done with that. No, not at all. The kid who wanted to learn football runs up to David A. R. White and Orrin and says, Hey, can you teach us how to play football? And

David's like, what fucking genre is this? Am I gonna? Is that what I'm doing now? To be clear, you say a kid. That's not a kid. That's an adult. No, no, no. He runs up with a deflated basketball and he's like, tell us about the football and then I swear this must have been improvised because David Airwhite blanches with terror at the fall. He 100% does. You see the soul. Leave as he got it, too.

Instantly from that cult. Because he was asked to explain football. I demand to see the making of this scene. OK, David. So in this scene, you're describing football to one of the villagers. You think you can wing this one? Oh, yeah, sure thing. Sure thing. And action. So tell me, Mr. What is the football? Well, the first thing you're gonna need to know is that this is a basketball. And what else?

There are, but this is a basketball. Okay, we're still rolling. We're still rolling, David. Just explain what football is, right? Yes, okay. Football is a place where you can put kibble or dog food depending on Still rolling no David no football Sorry, okay, so a football

Well, I'm guessing that'd be some kind of warm water contraption. I have it the spa They put up some salts in it maybe cut cut David Football the sport football just Cut! Cut! David! Football! The sport! Football! Just! Describe! Football! Okay, yeah, got it.

Okay, yeah. Action! Alright, so here's the thing about a foot job. You know what? Cut! Cut! We got what we need! Did I just win the movie?

Yeah, man. You won the movie. Yeah, man, you won she's a demon and she's manipulating him, there's a layer of this that becomes like less creepy, but it's still creepy as hell. Yeah, right, from her perspective, a little less creepy, yeah. Yeah, it's nice to find her, like here's the weirdest part about this,

is I felt better as like, oh, well, she's the predator. She's the demon. She's the predator. So this isn't a creepy situation for me at all. Right. She should be fucking with this guy. He's clearly a creep. Yeah, exactly. All right. And so now as though we hadn't gotten enough in this fucking movie, Marshall Goddamn Teague shows up now. He's another game regular, most notably the star of last ounce of courage,

where he played a town mayor, as he's going to play here. He's the mayor of creepy town. And he shows up to give him the, you know, we're not so creepy after all speech. He shows up and he's like, I'm the mayor. We're not a satanic cult. And they're like, oh, we didn't. We didn't ask if now now I kind of have questions though. The mayor says something that blows this whole movie wide open for me, which is that last year they held a rodeo, the 22nd annual rodeo. And the kids were like, these guys are a creepy

cult. I want to go to that rodeo. This movie show me the demon town. And are you meeting me? Show me the satanic planning meeting where he was like, all right, what if someone gems the check? Let's have 22 rodeos just to keep our conversation. We feed them.

We got it. Okay, okay, they're going to we're coming. We got to sell this lie. So we're going to make some flyers. We have a we have a bowl that's getting very old. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, and then he's, so he's like, anyway,

so totally not double worshipers. If that was what you were thinking. And so speaking of which, would you like to come to our harvest festival where we will not sacrifice you to the great horned one? Come on, you'll get to meet the town, have some delicious food, get burned in a giant wicker man.

It'll be a good time. Yeah, this is, this is one for one, the wicker man with, uh, yeah, some overlap. So okay, but and then what's amazing is that, okay, we've spent two thirds of this goddamn movie with everything being creepy and then going, we got to get out of this town and Diana warning them and telling them there's a satanic Colton showing them the brand and all this other shit. So then we cut to that evening and Orange, like you guys want to go to that harvest party that we're talking about. And Davey and Micra, like, yeah, I mean, we might as well.

We're here. There's no TV. Yeah. What else are we going to do? Look, I know that a character out and out told us that their child was about to be sacrificed and begged us to take it away from this God forsaken place, but what if they have parogies? Well, yeah, but you got invited to a festival. You can't be rude. And the mayor said that they're not that bad. Well, right. No, he did say they weren't

to say Tannin called. So yeah, yeah, it's like when a Northern or goes into a pigly wiggly and you have to pretend that there's food that you could possibly imagine eating in there. It's like, oh, a big jar of pig's feet that you made yourself without any regulation. Yummers. So I might pick up some of this later. All right. So now we cut to the party, which is all the walls are draped in black. It's all candle that there is no joy or laughter anywhere.

They walk in and they're like, so harvest festival, huh? It's pretty nice. What are they harvesting? I didn't see any agriculture going on. Zero agriculture. Zero agriculture. We've seen one horse. Yeah.

No, there's a couple horses. Oh, no, there's the horse that Diana has and then there's the horse that Chuck Norris. Yes, but that's an angel horse. That doesn't count as a whole. Yeah, right. Chuck Norris isn't that the angels don't like get a new horse every 10 years. Probably not. All right. So and then they they show up at the party and Marshall King shows something like, Hey, drink some of this red liquid that I'm handing you. Have red liquid everybody. Drink red liquid. Really wanted Mike Norris to grab it and just start shooting it.

Nope, Mike Norris one for every. Oh, he's dead. I've got to be honest, I have never heard a children's choir sing through creepy burlap sack masks quite that well. That's what I was really good. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for.

That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for.

That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. That's what I was really good for. And not just that either that or the demons are like, well, what we're just gonna play bad music for them. Yeah, it's the harvest festival. We're gonna play, we're gonna play our good children creepily singing music, right? It's not about them. It's about us.

Right. And David A.R. Wright gets that big like, it's Latin line in there. Yeah. Everybody's supposed to know like, oh, one, he knows the Bible and two, it's about to get creepy. Yeah. And I love to, because they give the kids all these creepy ass masks so that, you know, we can hear the creepy kids singing and be looking at the creepy masks. But instead of having them come out wearing the creepy masks, they show us all these adorable little munchkins

and shit and you're like, oh, they're gonna sing. And then they put the creepy masks on. It doesn't work. I know how cute they are. They are. Oh, oh. Also, if those kids don't get their soul stolen until 12, right? Like, some of those kids have to be like at a certain point like, Hey, why are we doing

this? Yeah. Excuse me, excuse me, all the adults in my life entirely. This seems really off. This is all I've ever known. That's the children's entertainment. That's their Paw Patrol. Yeah. And they're from his love. Melty Face Steve. That's who they're all dressed. Well, that's fair. He's got nothing on Melty Face Steve. So yeah, but so of course, as this music is going on, the punch is getting them progressively drunker and more drugged and shit and they all pass out. And we very quickly get them all. I guess being tempted by the devil each individually in like a spinny room scenario.

So like, you know, we see Mike Norris and the devil's going like, you will get a new daughter, a better daughter. And then we see Davie and the devil's like, um, I won't abduct your wife and kid. That was a good offer though. Yeah, right. No, I spent a wedding. You can't refuse. And they cut the oran. And I'm just like, Oh, please tell me that the Satan's gonna like offer to like like get

the people get his jokes or something like that. You know, the saints will win the Super Bowl. But they ran out of shit. Satan's like, oh, you also have a wife and kid that we haven't introduced yet, but you're ill, I'll abduct them too. I'll get them. So fucking stupid. All right, well, given the more or less voluntary nature of their captivity, I feel like

we should let them suffer there for a bit. So we're going to take another quick break. But first, let me give Axe me the hard sell. Will the gang make it to safety in time? Why the fuck would they have gone to that party? If the goal was to trick them, shouldn't the town have a no creepy staring policy? Find out the answers to these questions and less. When we return for the baffling conclusion of the bells of innocence. And then if we get 500 new patrons, he has to get a tattoo of my face on his face. He like, we are not getting face tattoos for matri on this year.

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Pretty sure. I am pretty sure. Yes. Who? Lord Satan. The dark wonder. Yes. Minions, minions. Listen. Who? Lord Satan! The Dark Wanderer! Yes! Minions! Minions!

Listen! Soon I will give you control over this town and all its people. You shall be their Lord and guide, and they will do your bidding. Sorry, I'm... who are you talking to, my lord? Yeah! Oh, uh... Both? Both of you? Both of us?

Yeah. We're co-satanic managers of this village. Co-satanic managers? Yeah, I guess. Well, you know, spoiler. You seem to be some kind of bad demon Chuck Norris enemy. And you there, you're like a little boy, turned into an old guy by Satan Magik, right? Yeah, he's got us there. Yeah, that's true. I am. Right. So, you know, just work it out and make sure you lure Mike Norris with a little girl. The two of you. Got it. Got it.

Heard and heard. Right. So, a bad guy plan over an open flame. Over an open flame, yes. This is gonna be so fun. So fun. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna open up this act with a four second scene of, I guess, Orin and Davies wives failing the back del test in record time. It's the whole scene. We just see the two wives going, like, hope they're okay.

End of scene. There just see the two wives going like hope they're okay. End of a scene. There are absolutely no positive interactions with women at all in this entire movie. No, not once. Even when Diana goes to ask Chuck Norris for help, he's like, hey, fuck off. I can't do shit for you. Yeah.

Yeah. Right, go away. I'm a watcher. Yeah, exactly. The only female who passes the back cell test is actually Satan the whole time. Yeah, exactly. The only female who passes the back cell test is actually Satan the whole time. Totally, right? 100%.

All right, but the guys wake up. They're in prison now. They're in Satan prison. Evening our white is like, he's stuck in his like, spinny poison dream thing. And he's like, I invoke the power of Jesus, I'm free. And then immediately they cut to him in a jail cell, which I thought was actually really funny

Yeah, Jesus can't handle that shit fucking cherry. It's a iron right here But my favorite moment here is they wake up in the jail David air white stands up and shakes the door to the jail As though it's just gonna come loose in his hands and then Mike norris tries to Right, so you didn't shake it. You got to shake it better. You got to up and down it a bit. I really I relate to that I think if I ever found myself in that situation where I just woke up in this jail cell I just just to feel what it would be like. I'd probably shake the It's a moment. Maybe it's the old timey jail version of pushing the elevator button again

Do anything the old time E.J.L. version of pushing the elevator button again. Right. You know what I do. Anything. Where am I going to get another chance to do this? Somebody give me a tin cup. Yeah. So I think juxtaple find himself in many more jail cells. But yeah, juxtaple have another chance. All right. So, but once they realize they can't just push the door open, Chuck, we see Chuck Norris off of the distance somewhere invoking his telekinesis to open the door for them. Hell yeah. Magic. Yeah. I am a watcher. I can't do anything except I can open the

cell door. Well, except sometimes I might house is safe. Yeah. That's just property rights. I can also throw fireballs. It's, it's my power set is very, I'm like wonder woman, very calm. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. This next scene is probably my favorite scene in the movie where they're escaping from the jail cell. Yes. Because the townspeople, they went through all the trouble of setting up like this fake harvest festival or whatever with the kids saying in order to drug them and put them in this jail cell, which they left on guard it. And then our heroes, the trio, leave. And as soon as they get out the door of the prison building

or the jail building, there are people running it full clip. Yes, with torches, four feet away, which means they were sprinting for the entire block before that. They intersected at a certain point. Yeah, yeah. I got sprinting circles and whenever they come out, we'll be at full speed so that it'll work out. All right, we're going to run again.

Yeah, no, it seems like the zombies went out for a drink at the bar. They're across, they're like, there's no way they'll get out within the 10 minutes that we're at the bar real quick. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And they walk out of the bar and they see the bomb like, Jesus, no! Oh, no, no. Yeah, it's gonna be real pissed at us for this one. And they walk out of the bar. They see the Oh, yeah, it's gonna be real. Pistons for this one.

Lyric is gonna hang us, which apparently kills us. I don't know. Yeah, I'm sorry. You have to avoid those beers. We'll be back. Yeah. So the so they're written. Now these are the zombies, but here's the funniest fucking thing.

They couldn't afford to do the zombie makeup for like seven guys to be chasing them. So they have them all wearing cloaks. And at one point, Mike Norris throws the cloak back. And we see the one zombie that they could do the makeup. But yeah. Yeah. I still wasn't convinced that they're all zombies. No, they're not. Oh, okay. No, no, no, I don't know. Like the people in the cloaks and all that. I don't, I'm not convinced they're all, but it just been the one. Well, later on in the movie,

we see zombies with their faces covered in the cloaks and then just regular old people wearing those same cloaks. Yeah, I know that's the same cloaks. That makes a lot of sense though. If you've got like three zombies, spread it out a bit, you know, just, yeah. Everybody dressed like the zombies. That is wise.

I really want to see the HR meetings for the mixed workplace with the zombies. It's just like, okay, just, yeah, everybody dressed like the zombies. That is wise. I really want to see the HR meetings for the mixed workplace with the zombies. It's just like, okay, so for instance, one harmful stereotype about zombies is that we eat flesh. That's not true. Sensitivity training with zombies. Where do you guys go after work?

Well, that's a funny story. Emma Rita sends us back underground. Yes. So, yeah, so they're getting chased by the zombies. Chuck Norris is often the distance using his magic. Like he has a magical finger that shoots fireballs that creates a wall of flames for them. Just again, random shit. So they run to Chuck Norris's house.

And there's a moment there where like apparently the zombies, he has like the invisible fence, you know the stuff that you put down for your dog and it smells weird, the dog runs off from it. It's like that, but for zombies, he's got that around his property. Right. No, no, no, no, this is just totally normal property rights.

Yeah, this is just libertarianism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just, you can't, you can't, in fringe upon somebody else's property. Everybody follows the rules. He literally stops a mob of zombies in his right, uh, uh, property and citizen maritime law.

Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Yeah. Well, you got us. Yeah, he said, he said, he's sorts of right wing, like the property rights being like the most important thing. They think that it's derived from like cosmic law. Yeah. It's a sense that the St. Norris has a movie.

You would have that be something that even the devil has to follow. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. The Constitutional Space Fund. next this property legally in 1944 and I'll be goddamned if you're going to step one foot

on my favorite. I've combined my labor with the land. Yeah. And zombies are like, no, no, seriously, stop. Yeah, right. We're living in a society like how are we going to have to have property? It's a bro. No, don't break the non-aggression principle.

Yeah. Yeah. So, but then one zombie like, actually, he's not by in this property line shit. So Chuck Norse waves his magic finger on him and that guy just goes down, right? But he doesn't, he doesn't like evaporate or whatever because they can't afford that special effect. Nope. So there's this fucking fantastic moment where he's like, you have no power and the zombie

in the background is just like, oh, I fucking got me right in the fucking tit Down the same way they do it like the searchers or something where they just grab their belly Well, you know what, but don't have to go later leave and then we'll get their soul stat when they're not on your property, but fucker. Yeah, what are they going to do? Stay at your house the whole time until somebody comes and picks them up with a reasonable car that we have established exists in this town and is owned by someone who wants to help them. Yeah. Who wants to get out too. I'm so stupid. So yeah, but then they're like, so what should we do now?

And Chuck Norris says, you guys might as well get some sleep. You got a long night ahead of you. It's just like they've been napping constantly in this movie. They're sleeping like fucking cats. I don't know how to transition to the next scene. Night night. You go to night night. Anyway, so he goes outside and Chuck Norse explains that yes, he is the main character,

regardless of what David A.R. White might think. It's all going to come down to him and his decisions, right? David A.R. White does think he's the, he's acting like he's a main character. Yeah, like that. No, and it seems like he's kind like a main character. He's acting like that. No. And it seems like he's kind of a side character at best. Yeah. He doesn't really do anything, although in the chase scene

that where they escaped from the prison, didn't AR White get a good kick in on one of the zombies? Oh, yeah, for sure. I think he got a good side kick in too, which was like, that's very clearly a Chuck Norris kick. You are, that's copyright infringement. Yeah. That was where I thought this movie was going to turn into like an action movie. Yeah, it was supposed to be a Chuck Norris kick. You are, that's copyright infringement. Yeah. That was where I thought this movie was going to turn into like an action movie.

Yeah, it was supposed to be a punch movie. Yeah. That's what I thought for sure. It was a zombie movie for one second and now it's a different movie. I literally think that happened because Mike Norris got to kick something right before that. And David R. White was like, well, obviously, if Mike's going to kick something, I'm going to kick something.

Right. Right. Totally. Okay, David, you can kick a zombie in the chair. I think you're right. And Orin's like, I'm gonna kick something. Right. Right. Totally. Okay, David, you can kick a zombie in the chest. I think you're right. And Orin's like, I'm not kicking anything. It really had the feel like that was the one scene they did 10 takes on.

Yes. To get the kicks right. Everything else they did in a weekend, no big deal. We finished the movie. And then that one, they were like, okay, we got to spend a whole Saturday on just this kick because David White is gonna be pissed. So. All right, so then sometime later, David and Orrin also wake up and Mike explains that they're

here to save the children from the satanic soul sucking thing. And what's amazing is they're like, that makes no sense. And he's like, no, it's true. That is the plot of this stupid movie now. Yeah, Chuck Norris is like, there's a plan. Okay. Okay. And I just want to point out one other thing about this scene. Hords the end, Chuck Norris is required to say a define a piphany. And he does not know the word of piphany. He's like, it's a divine fifth.

Yeah, they took as many tries to status they did as they at the zombie kicking scene and eventually they just gave up. Yeah. A piffy is the closest they got. Yeah. Hey, Chuck, do you want to take that one one more time? No, no, you only do one take you're going to be gone here. Oh, you're leaving. Oh, he's walking away. All right. All right. Divide a piffy. I guess a poop movie is what we get for the movie. But so then at long last, they're like, wait, can you just fucking lay out the goddamn plot for us and then check it's like, yes, it's the third act I can finally make with the whole backstory.

So we learned that this town used to be, now you and I thought this fucking thing was going to flash back to 1932 and make some sense out of that cold open. But no, that would make sense. Yeah, exactly. And that's why we don't fucking do it. We go back to like the 1800s, 180 years specifically. Okay. 1823. If we assume 2003 is the present. Oh, we spent a lot of time thinking about that exact issue. It's a proof promise. We have, we watched it together on Monday, and I don't know if we've talked about anything since, and we recorded in that episode if you didn't know.

Oh, no. Yes, because it used to be 180 years ago, it was a town called St. Augustine, Texas, and it was very Jesus-y back then. Correction, small correction. Yeah. Texas didn't exist at that time. Right, there is that. That is an issue.

It was Mexican. That's it. Texas was invented and invented in 1845. So that should be taking place when the 180 years flashback, that's 13 years prior to the Alamo. Yeah. And this entire town is a group of white people. So it's fairly easy to put two and two together and say, these are invaders

trying to take over Mexican land at this point. Right. It shouldn't even, it should have been Spanish mission. Exactly. Yeah. Based on the timing and where, like where it's at. Yeah. And their Catholics, if the, if the history is correct. Right. So, but yeah, but then one day this idyllic town in pre-Texas, their 4-4 piano music was overtaken by a driving drum beat. And this is where we meet little kid, Emeritus. Right.

So Emeritus was just a little boy back in 1823 when the demons came running into town now Chuck Norse is calling these characters demons we can see them they're Mexicans. Yep right. Yeah, they're just banditos. He's calling them demons of darkness. They're just Mexicans. That's not how euphemisms work. He did this narration while watching the day of these. He was like, there they are, the demonly, daily okay. And what's what, what boggles my mind about this is if you think about this in reverse with these crazy Christian lunatics, right? So you have got a group of fucking illegal immigrants moving into Mexico at a time when it's not theirs, building their own little sediments, taking their own little sediment, taking

their fucking resources and land, and then the banditos show up and get rid of these people, the way that the Christian right thinks is a good idea to do it. If people come to America. Absolutely. Yes, but apparently this is where emeritus is turned to the devil's ways by the evil devil magic and slits the priests' throats. Yeah, but he didn't, he didn't make a choice at all. No, he was trying to save the town.

Well, maybe you're being generous. Well, I am being generous with slitting the priest's throat, saving the town. But the kid turns evil because that guy appears to him and touches him. Yeah. But he didn't make a choice of the kind of a marshal teague. Yeah, marshal teague shows up and turns him evil. Yeah, it's exactly like the plot of Mighty Ducks too. It's. I'm telling you, Marshall Teeke has been in one movie

Just does the same thing every year Yeah, but apparently so when when emeritus lit the pre-stroight that started like a I don't I like a cooties of evil that then spread to all the kids so their souls would get sucked out at the age of 12 because that's how old emeritus was when martial team suck his soul out. It's a it's a yearly tradition now. He slit that pre-stroight got Satan powers and he was like we should do this every year like Christmas, huh? Right. But how can it be a yearly tradition for a hundred and

a few years? There aren't enough for a yearly tradition. 230 people there now. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And if you assume like a generation is what, like 30 years. So it's been like six generations in 180 years. Yeah. This town would be dead by this point. The population would have stagnated and dropped in. Or it would be bustling filled with soulless people, not if they're not bringing in more people from outside the town. We've got rodeo tourism. Yeah. They do a lot of fucking dirty. That's a great movie.'re they're getting people here by rodeo You're to trick them into giving up their children's souls that's a good movie. That's the 80s movie

I want to watch a small Titanic town trying to maintain its population so that they can sacrifice a child every year at their annual Throbs letting convention exactly and then juxtaposed to hold a talent show in order to raise enough money to defeat the rich rep guys. The rich guy who's taking down the 12 year old sacrifice center. Yeah, yeah, Jeffrey Epstein. So. And then they ski race.

All right. And I love this moment too. So Chuck Norris is still giving us the backstory, whatever. Diana shows up and starts running up to him and he's like, hold on, hold on, I'm not done with the backstory. We're not even out of the fucking flashback lady. Hold on, hold on. And then they finish up the flashbacks. He's just, Chuck Norris, you've got to help me.

They've taken my son and they're gonna take away his soul and he's like, mm, yeah. Yeah. Nope, I don't do shit. I'm just a watcher. Now admittedly for men, I will unlock their jail cells and even like shit on fire for them. Yeah, but you Diana are a woman. Have you met Jeremy? He's a douchebag. I don't want to know. Yeah. That's fair. He is. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. And he's like, look, I get why you would assume that I would be the one that would save your kid, but believe it or not, my kid, my son here is the main character of this one. So I'm going to leave it to him. And she's like, really? This conversation or this scene is where Norris Chuck introduces that like, there's a plan to take over the world or whatever. Yeah.

No, there's not. No, it's a plan to take over the world. I don't buy it. No, no, no, it's a plan to take over the world, man. It's like he's trying to punch up the stakes last minute because no one's impressed with saving Jeremy. Totally. We must save Jeremy.

Oh, I'm fine with Jeremy going away. Yeah, Jux, Jux is an unrelatable, unlikable hero. Yeah. The story doesn't appear to have any stakes that I should care about. So they're just faking it at the end. Yeah, and it's a self-contained problem. Considering that in the opening sequence, we see that the only people they are trying to kill

are people who are trying to escape from there. Right. Okay, so and I love this moment too, because Chuck Norris basically lays down the stakes and he's like, yeah, the whole world is going to be destroyed. And all the killed children's souls will be sucked down by demons. And the only people that can save them is you. And then we watch like a montage from a distance of them chatting out whether or not they're going to save those kids for a while. I like that montage. Yeah, that was that was pretty good. I like a montage that has no action. Yeah, I didn't want any action. I wanted to know that they were talking it out.

I feel like that's in them. That's the only democratic kind of circumstance we've had in this entire movie so far. Everything else is people telling you what to do, people tell you, this is the one scene where they're like, let's get together and really think about the best course of action. I just want to know what they've talked about. What's the counter-argument, right? Is Orange just going like steel? The idea is hard.

Or we could just tell this town to go fuck itself and let the world get taken over by demons, guys. All right. How many kids do they have to let us touch after we say that? Let's get an opening offer going now. Shouldn't the conversation be like, I don't believe Chuck Lewis. Yeah.

Oh, the fuck is this guy? Yeah. He's obviously wearing a fucking wig. He's not even being honest about his hair. So everything that's happened in this movie so far for the most part could be explained by people just being weird. Yeah. Oh my God. I don't understand this town's customs. Obviously they're evil and I'm right. Right. Exactly. I got to make sense. I love to show they they eventually they decide they're going to save the kids. They walk up the truck north. They're like, hey, man, we agreed to save the kids. But out of curiosity, who are you in this movie that you're not

helping us now? I come down from God to unlock one jail cell fire poke one zombie in the tit. And then I just set you out there. Yeah. I'm Mike Norris' father. This is all I'm doing, whatever you ask for your help. I said, I'd point. All right. So they had out the kicks of mass silhouetted by the sun, a little bit more cool walking. And then we have the weird sea where Chuck and Lyric are talking, like they're doing a little shit talk between, I guess, the angel and the main demon or devil.

Yeah, they still hang out. If this scene and ended in a fist fight between Chuck Norris and this little girl, it's my favorite movie in the world. It is granddaughter. And I'm going to be honest, she outacts the shit out of Chuck. Yeah. He kills Chuck. She wipes the floor with him.

Yep. Well, and then apparently we're gonna go down the chain, right? Because then she leaves and Marshall Teague shows up to talk some shit to Chuck. Mm-hmm. That would imply that Marshall Teague is higher in the hierarchy, but I don't think he is. I'm telling you, I think he's the literal devil

in this one. I am telling you, they are co-demons at Crawford Business. I insist upon this. I'm telling you, there co-demons at cross-friensess. I insist upon this. I'm telling you there is literally no way, this is the fucking, this is the lyrics to God damn stairway to heaven one more time, there's literally no way to make it make sense. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. So, okay. So that evening, the town has taken all the kids away and everybody's screaming again, like, keeping in mind that we've not established a reason why all of these people wouldn't just fight them, you know, they'd be totally fine with it. Or yeah, but my problem isn't fighting them. Everybody in that town should know what's up.

Right. Yeah. The souls were stolen at 12. Yeah. You don't forget that you don't have a soul. No one should be surprised by anything that happened. You right. And they're all running around screaming, and gone, oh, the children, the children. Also, this is where the peacock shows up to herald the arrival of the heroes. Yeah. Yeah. He's singing along with the music and everything.

Music is pretty good though. It's a jam. That's great music here. Okay. But this is so fucking amazing because Mike Norris and David A. are white insisted that they get to do like badass slow motion walk through this scene. Oh yeah, except the stakes are children are being stolen all around them. Yes, in real time. Yes,

so it's like, please help me. My baby is like, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, Bim, N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- No, it helps anyone in this movie. And here's the thing, if this scene, spoiler alert, where badass walk was leaving to a big fight sequence, it kind of makes sense in movies, but it isn't. They just walk badassly to their next location. Yes, yes.

Yeah, it took on a real slapstick quality. Like they're badass walking and then there are a bunch of people like with watermelon carts all around them that they have to avoid. There's pains of glass being taken and they're like, oh, we got a badass walk. We don't have time for your pain of glass, sir. So, but I love to, so they eventually they slow walk their way up to a line of bad guys. And then the bad guys just move out of their way. And they're like, oh, you try to get over here. You just want to go over there. I guess that's fine. You can go

over there. No worries. Why were we chasing you so hard earlier? It's really confusing when we realized you would just, you would just wind up here anyways. Real, real boner on our part. Where's zombies? So, and then so they finished their slow walk to get past the bag guys to go into this church and lyric is there and And she's like so do you want to fight the bad guys and save the children or do you want to be my daddy forever and join Satan? He's like, I'll be your daddy forever and join Satan, I guess. What? This is where I was like I was like, I missed a third of the movie. Is all I could include.

I stopped watching the version I found on YouTube and I was like, okay, there's obviously like an extra 40 minutes on the DVD that will make this scene make sense. It was just baffling. I thought it was too obvious that he was playing Possum or whatever, but then it appears that he wasn't But then he was yeah, it's very poorly done. Yeah, yeah, and the agreed and the best part of it is is that David and Orrin Follow him, right? He's like, yes, I will go hand in hand with this little girl to the temple of human sacrifice and David and Orrin not being could Joel do anything in any way, just while I'm going, Jax, I think it's a really bad idea. Man, I don't think we should go into the temple of human sacrifice.

Jax, come on, dude. Right. They just willingly walk in with him. Mm hmm. What? You're not going to let your buddy, you plays Russian roulette every morning, walk into a demon sacrifice temple by himself. That guy is clearly not making good decisions right now. Okay. This is when he needs friends. Okay. They're walking by it like, jox, don't do that. Not in front of the hell spawn, man. Come on. And then, and then they sit politely so the sacrifice can happen, right? Like a wedding, they sit on the not demonic side. Right.

I'm on the top of the side. Are you with the bride of certainly? I didn't even think about the wedding. Yeah, that's totally right. Is this the zombie usher? Are you on the evil side? Or is it? No, as you still have flesh on your bones, I'll let you go to that. So yes, so then we have this stupid fucking who the hell even knows moment Notice you still have flesh on your bones. I'll let you go to that So yes, so then we have this stupid fucking who the hell even knows moment where Satan's tempting him And they have the opportunity to join him or love Jesus anyway

Okay, but everyone gets I choose Jesus model of so by the third one It's so boring and they're so mad because everyone else got a monologue first. Right, David Ayerweitz, like, I choose Jesus and there's nothing that'll break my fake. And then fucking carried sporting goods salesman is like, same. Same. Did it.

It's also. Yeah, this scene is such like that. It's like I grew up in, I don't know if you know any of my backstory, but I grew up in such a super evangelical household. And this scene such is like that moment that I've heard so many times in youth groups where this type of dude masturbates to the idea that he will get that chance to be like,

I'll die for God. Yes. That is their biggest fucking fantasy that they have. Even more than shooting somebody for walking onto their property. Come on, my ass. It is. Yeah. I also love, and we have to talk about the skull face effect

they do for a meritous here. It looks great. It looks great. Come on. Oh, great. Amazing. I can't enough skull face. And they know it.

They know I'm not gonna be able to get, because they keep going back to the well on it over and over again every time I love it. I can't believe they had the money in the budget for a peacock after those special effects. I want to start doing church announcements with Skullface. Also, Tuesday is the pot block. Make sure you sign up for something. Don't just bring something. If everything goes well, we will have the 24th rodeo next year.

Come on, Jucks. Come to the dark side and there'll be another rodeo. Right. Yeah, but Jucks plays like he's ready to renounce Jesus. So, right, because it's amazing. They go down the list and they're like, well, you die for your Lord. I'll die for my Lord. Will you die for your Lord?

I'll die for your Lord. And then they get to juxtapize. He's like, yeah, no, no. I want to fuck this 10 year old that I'm holding hands in a few. So emeritus gives him a fucking gun. I love that too. He gives him a little gun instead of like the sacrificial ritual dagger or something. He's like, no, it's just got a six shooter, man.

Here you go. And he's like, yeah, dagger would have been better. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, a snub nose revolver will do in a pinch. Yeah. Maybe he left his dagger at home. A lot of people who he expected.

Not his point of the trees. Yeah, he expected that everybody in the town would be like calm and chilled out. Yeah. And instead, they're all running around. So he couldn't find his dagger in the time. Yeah, he's a nice man. Nobody has a dagger? Nobody brought a fucking dagger in the back.

There's no way that everybody in this cast doesn't have a tactical knife on their belt at all times. Okay. Wanted to be sent. You're right. The sacrificial tactical knife. Yeah. I got these for free with my Ray Bands.

This is actually fold out of the side of my Ray bands, my son bless us. So, all right, but yeah. So then Mike turns to them with the gun and he's like, I'm going to kill you for Jesus and they're like, yeah, no, we just said we were good with that. Are we going to do this again? We're going to do this again. Okay, we're going to go around the room again. All right, fine.

But then he turns the gun on a meritous. He goes, but are you willing to die for your god and you think that doesn't count? That's different. I'm- That's a dumb question too. Like, of course. I already fucking did.

Yes, it is. Right, he's done. I'm 200 years old now. What do you want from, what, I'm bored by this at this point. Oh no, a guy has a gun on me, tested my faith in the devil. Oh no, I met the devil, she's next to you. Someone just tried to rush me with a knife

and I telekinetically stopped him. Yeah, exactly. I'm worried about a gun. Oh no. Well, and then, and then, fucking Dave, he has to pipe in and be like, but Jux, don't kill a meritus. And I'm like, he's for all you guys know at this point is the devil incarnate. Yeah. Why would you be trying to stop him? But no, he, he can't do it because

he's too Christian. So then lyrics shoots him to death instead. Wait, that is, that is a poor, yeah. Is that what happened? Okay. I have no idea what happened for the rest of the movie. Does anybody have any theories? I don't know. Who is who, which direction any guns were facing? What the plot was? Here's my theory on what happens next. We all are going to have different theories. Yeah, we're all going to have different theories.

I have my theory. So I'm on board with whatever as far as I can get with how movies talk. So he's pointing the gun at Emirates and then he's like, okay, I won't shoot him because I'm super god. And then we see Lyric take the gun and shoot Emiridus, but then we get a weird little moment where it turns out that he was holding the gun the whole time. Yeah. So it's a gun that doesn't transfer back to his hand.

Exactly. But it's there. But he's there and he's looking at it. His fingers on the trigger. His fingers on the trigger. Yeah. You're right. And then the kid and then and Meredith turns back into his kid form to right exactly and then he

did kill him and then the screen the video starts flashing back and forth really fast between the child who's dead of a bird and juxtaposed the gun yeah which seems to imply cause an effect yeah juxtaposed the kid is the only thing that you can assume. So once again, yeah, this movie, this movie, the hero of this movie, kills at least two children. At least, at least, at least two children. But hold on a second, because in the next scene, he wigs up in his house right before they left to go to Mexico, and none of this has even happened. No, I'm kidding. It is. It has. It is. But then later on, it turns out it actually did. Right. Because then we're at Coleson and it goes, no, no, it's not a flat. It just wasn't a dream sequence, just in case you were thinking, yeah. And then, and then at the end, we see white and

comic relief walking out of their, walking out of the church and their wives and stuff come with them. Yeah. Or show up to pick them up. But juxtaposed leave. I think what happens is juxtaposed murders his daughter, some interstitial stuff, then he kills Emma Reedus and then he kills himself. That's the movie.

Right? Because yeah, he wakes up in heaven, right, with his daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So yeah, and that's the next thing we should we see Davie and and Orren right, with his daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So yeah, and that's the next thing. We see Davie and Orren being reunited with their family. And if you assume that Jux died in this, they're way too happy in this moment, right?

Oh, celebratory. Super stuff. Yeah. Hey, we made it guys. And Jux died. It was the one in for everyone. He was such a wet fucking blanket. He's, you know, that pilot we knew who was always trying to touch other people's kids. He's dead. Yeah.

Right. The one that killed his daughter. Yeah. The one that killed his daughter. Yeah. We start doing board game nights again. So, yeah. So when they celebrate, orally, I'll leave the ritual church area or whatever, juxtaposed dead body conceivably is. And they meet all their families their preacher from the beginning of the movie is with them. Yes. And I don't know if you caught this, but like Diana and her son also come out of the ritual church.

No. And almost immediately the pastor shakes hands with her son. As if to be like children can shake hands now. This is when we set it up for a sequel where the kid can't shake the pastor's hand because he's too evil. That's what you got to do. Oh, shit. Then you've got the, wait, two bells, two innocent.

That's what I'm going. Oh, I'm sorry. Paul Lucas. Bells of innocence, two electric boogaloo. Okay. Okay. And then, okay, so then we have to get fucking Mike Norris waking up in heaven with Chuck Norris. You know, and he goes like, so what the, dad?

Is this the first time you've loved me? Yes, it is, son. Yes, it is. But he's got, and he's got to go so wait a minute. We were not real clear on the end. Is the town okay? Did the children die in the town? And he's like, no, man, every day the town, the children are fine and the town is reborn and we the audience are like how and why

and from what you might as well say don't worry the movie is over. That is exactly that is exactly what the line should have been unsatisfying. God we're done. Oh God and then the and then this dead daughter runs up to him and he looks to Chuck Norris and he goes, am I dead? And he's like, you're fucking dead daughter. See, of course you're goddamn dead. No, she's a love house. Yeah, right.

Give you the last zombie. You have to kill her. Free the hell. I wanted to be like, hey, dad, just hop on this bike really quick. Yeah. That would be hilarious. Yeah. I'm going gonna get you a push. So Marshall King shows up all D many behind Chuck Norris.

And he goes, you know, this isn't over and and Chuck Norris is like, I mean, there's a little fucking wrap up scene, but it's pretty much over. I'm doing there's not really going to be a two bells to it. So that was just a joke. He's like, it's not Chuck Norris' response is like, it's not over until God says it's over. And to me, that is a cruel joke. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because why does this need to keep happening? Because they imply Marshall T. and Chuck Norris imply that they've had a bunch of battles before in the past. Right. And it's like, all of this seems trivial and meaningless. Furthermore, how long has Chuck Norris lived outside of that town? Right?

Seven nine years. 179 years, right? So what's Chuck been doing this entire time? What? He knows Diana. So he's been there for a while. Right. Yeah, actually, just someone in the cold opening. Yeah. Oh, that's sure. Well, that's probably why he has that. Couldn't he have saved the son before the son's dad and that guy were murdered? You feel like he could have.

He was watching. He was watching. I really wanted the camera to pan up to heaven. God's just sitting there eating popcorn. Okay. No, crash a bus full of nuns and three pornographers into the town. I want to do that.

Who that one. It does. It does have the feel of like Chuck Norris and lyric and Marshall T. are all hanging out from time to time and they're like, okay, all right, well, this year, what do we got? I'm going to pull out a madlibs of three dudes who should show up. I'm going to do another fucking rodeo. So okay. All right.

So and then of course, we close on Mike Norris walk in hand in hand with his dead daughter in heaven. And of course I and I brighten in my nose. Wow. Heaven looks like a bit of a shit hole. Yeah. Yeah. So a part of the golf course. Yeah. And they also they also have a shot in the town where people's like devil marks are disappearing. Yes. Uh-huh. And everybody is kind of acting like, yay. Hey, we got our devil marks on it. But I never felt like through the course of the movie, they showed me that it was attention

for anybody except Diana. Nope, right. Everybody else didn't seem to have a problem. The kids were super stoked to be telling Lerick that it's her turn in front of the Punisher. Yeah, exactly. Everybody seemed pretty happy. But that's just the thing. Nothing makes any fucking sense if these townspeople wanted out and had souls. Why are you staring at those people creepily? You'd kind of want them to stick around and maybe bring some help.

Yeah, totally. None of them exist. Yeah, ripped supervisor needed. Yeah. So, okay, my last question was what was the moral of this story, but I think that's it Right, I think I think script supervisor needed might be the moral of the Is there a moral is there a winner or a loser is the like a reason that I guess it's supposed to be self-sacrifices The way into heaven or something, but okay, that's it's supposed to be self-sacrifices the way into heaven or something, but okay, that's, it's hard to, hard to get there.

We did lose. Yeah, we did lose. That's true. The moral of the story is second draft. This is not good enough. Whatever you, whatever you wrote, not good enough. Yeah, right, right. The moral of the story is your Chuck and Mike are no Chuck Sheen and Charlie Sheen. Let's put it

that way. So we're Chuck and Charlie Sheen. Hi, Charlie. No shit. Never mind. What a moment. I'm losing my mind. Oh, well, yeah. Well, after going through this whole fucking movie, I can't really blame you. And so Jordan Dan, we have had a blast hanging out with you guys today. If our audience is not ready for that blast and remind them where they can go to hear more from you guys. Well, our website is knowledgefight.com and there's some stuff they can find on there and direct them to places where we are. Yeah, awesome.

Go to knowledgefight.com or go to iTunes and look for bells of innocence and I think we'll show up eventually. We're going to start a bells of innocence pod. I don't think that's a bad idea. We were trying to deep dive every week into a new theory of how it all makes sense. I like it. I like it. I'm in.

All right. And of course, if you give, if you don't want to bother going all the way to iTunes and looking for shit, you can also just check the show notes for this episode. We'll have that linked Jordan. Damn. Thanks so much for hanging out with us guys. It's been an absolute blast. Thank you.

Thank you. Great time. What a treat. All right. And while that doesn't for our review of the bells of innocence That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back so Eli tell us what's on Jack? Sunny Boone was always a fighter in a champion But when he loses everything he blames God and his lowest point Sunny is roaming the streets for a place to steep and scrounging for food and a dumpster. We'll be watching God, where are you? Oh, that sounds like such a blast, Eli.

Thank you for that. Thank you for that. So with that, to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 293 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to Jordan and Dan and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So that's got awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by the link of five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms and if you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our siblings shows to the Skating and the Esthetic Aided, D&D Binance

and the Skeptocrite available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or send them out of suggestions, you can email got off from movies and gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the love of this is a P.N.D.R. Torres. Our theme song is written and performed by

our rise to the level drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our already-o-engineer Morgan Clark and was used with Prision. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right knee-lab hosting. I'm gonna lose this promise to work harder and another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. David AR White went on to a long career of very slow dive rolls for a gun. Mike Norris would go on to nothing. onto a long career of very slow diverals for a gun. Mike Norris would go on to nothing. We did a couple of his nothings. Chuck Norris would go on to be very disappointed to find out this didn't count

towards his child settlement. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021, all rights reserved.