God Awful Movies - 294: God, Where Are You?

Episode Date: April 6, 2021

This week, Thomas Smith joins us for a very convoluted answer to a really simple question. --- Check out more from Thomas on Opening Arguments or Serious Inquiries Only or Philosophers in Space. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

The most needlessly elaborate backstory. It's so weird. All they need, reminder, all they need is character is down on his luck. That's like all the script note be like, guy has bad things happen and they're like, okay, so here I was meeting my ex at Nakatomi Plaza right how much do you know about Hans Gerber do I need to explain this is so fucking ridiculous yep OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am fabulous and resplendent no illusions. Glad to hear it. And in front of it as far as the audience knows, it's true.

And my hair is brushed also joining us this week is our third favorite guest massacres. He's the host of the opening arguments podcast. I don't care what Andrew says. You're the one that welcomes him to the fucking show. You're the host also serious inquiries only philosophers in space and the comedy Shushan podcast Thomas. Welcome back, sir. Third favorite, huh? Third favorite.

That's, wow. Very honored position. I mean, if you don't want it. I thought the bid only works if you're like pretending that you like me. And I'm like, I don't believe you, but now you're just out with it. So it's like, I don't have a joke.

Yeah. I am, yeah, I'm third favorite. I get it. I you know what what happened to me? I used to have it all. I used to have a fast car. I had a girlfriend of this podcast. I had everything. Why did God do this to me? Yeah, right. Right. Well, we're gonna explore that question right after we answer this one. I have an uncooked egg. Pour that question right after we answer this one. Have an uncooked egg. So tell us, Thomas, what will we be breaking down today? We are breaking down a YouTube video that I guess is a movie called God,

where are you? Which had the, I guess the, the decency to be shot in the cover of darkness. Like they knew they couldn't make this in the daylight. Like no one would let them. It's so fucking stupid. Every scene is at night for no reason. It's the weirdest thing. Yeah, no, the movie couldn't get the rights today. Right? No. No. The sun's down. It's like, yeah, like you. And they had to shoot when there was no moon. Like they're like, not even theveal and of me contractually you will hear from my lawyer. And Eli, I think we've already hinted around about this quite a bit, but how bad was this movie?

Well, if you've ever had a Christian threat us, sit you down and set you straight once and for all, but you were disappointed that three quarters of the way through the conversation. They didn't descend into a bleak, love, crafty, and madness. You will love this movie. Let me explain. I went through three quarters of this movie being like, oh, this one's a little boring. Like, should I message Noah and Thomas and tell him that we should watch? And then three quarters of the way through the movie was like, no, no, no, stay with me, my friend.

Oh, man. The last part of this movie is so bad shit that as you say, I love what I love about doing this show is the the shit gets so bad that it it becomes genre bending. If you just made a tweak, the billionaire money, if you just made a tweak and you turn the end of this movie into a quentin Tarantino movie It would have worked. Yes, there's a we'll get to it, but it becomes so bad that it turns into another thing. It's incredible. Yeah, yeah I'm looking forward to that revelation myself. All right, but before we get to that, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at I got Two, oh, so here I'll go first and I can round out the end maybe. All right, first off, I know this is not literally true

because you guys have done 293 of these things plus however many things. But for me, best worst person who thinks there's no God. It's so good. There is no God. Anyway, why did God do this to me? Right. The devil did the devil do it.

God's in charge of anything. I don't believe in God. Why did God do this to me? The devil did the devil do it? God's in charge of anything I don't believe in God. Why did God do this? It's a we... Like, they can't understand that I'm like, no, I don't believe in God. Well then, why did God do this? I did, did you hear me? I don't, there isn't that.

Right. What are you talking about? Right, like, both halves, they can't even get through the full sentence and have enough. It's amazing. So I was gonna go with sentence and have no, it's amazing. So I was going to go with, and this is another very competitive category in Gam Universe, but best worst aggressive soundtrack.

Oh, okay. Oh, God. I have one theory for how this movie is scored. They went to a Christian teen center where there was a battle of the Christian bands, and in between everyone doing songs. Yeah. went to a Christian teen center where there was a battle of the Christian bands. And in between everyone doing songs. Yeah. These Christian bands had a fist fight. So they were angrier and sadder and worse at singing in between each song because they had been punched and wrestled more times. God, the score. You're so right. My note for this was it really makes

you appreciate film scoring because this film score is just whatever shit song was next on this youth pastor's iPod shuffle. That was so moving. And it does, it's so, we get seven minutes into this movie. We get the uplifting song that should go 80% into the movie when you start to turn shit around you. We get it seven minutes in and it's insane. Like, it's like, what it was, we're still at the rock bottom. He does the thing. And then the next song, like, oh, shit, we weren't supposed to be inspirational yet.

So that's to take it back down. And they're so, I mean, I know it's Christian music, but it's so tell, don't show, like the lyrics are so literal. Is my plan good enough? God, what about my plan? That's literally the first song that's over the My plan is my plan good. No, we should you your plan. God is not gotten his plan.

Like tell is much impossible. All players. And even once in a while they get like two times in the song, they have like amazing grace and some other like, you know, beautiful Christian song, but they still managed to fuck those ones up by doing them terribly. Yeah, it's, it's, yeah. There is, I will, I'm not going to spoil it, but there is one very talented musician on this soundtrack. They're not a human being.

But they are very talented. Pinn in that for a little bit later in the room. Yeah, for the beginning of Act 3 where everything turns to bat shit and sanity. And on that note, I'm going to go with that first. Don't you see? Because look, the pattern of this movie is, I'm sad bad things happen to me. Hello, I'm a magical black gentleman. I'm here to make everything better. Don't you see? But they ran out of good. This is why bad things happen to good

people arguments 14 seconds into the movie. Yep. Yep. So like they're stalling at gunpoint waiting for Godzilla. The last three corners of this are like, baby cancer is a multiple choice test because too many gay people are married. What? Oh, good. I'll sneak my other one in on this one. It's kind of along the same lines as just a tag it going forward. Best, worst conversational non-sequiturs.

I think we're talking about the same thing. Oh, yes. Absolutely. And if I know Noah, I know that like this is the kind of shit that just drives me nuts. Like you're like, what, why is that a response to that? That's not right. What are you talking about? Speaking of the next item in the script, yeah, constantly. Oh, God. Well, I'll tell you what, this movie revs up like a fucking sloth. So we're going to give it a quick head start while we take our first break But we're gonna be back in a flash with all the dumb person trying to write cleverness that is

God, where are you? Man it got under the wipers eight Thomas. What are you doing out here washing your car? We have to record some Yeah, I'll be in a minute. Know what took a shit on my windshield. Oh, why did he do that? I assume because of this week's sponsor, Tushy. What's Tushy? The Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment is here to level the playing field.

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I see, and so Noah pooped on your car to make the point that water is way better way to clean poop. Yeah, that's, that's what I'm guessing. I mean, I kind of admit the product does sound good, but what if a bidet, you know, isn't my thing? Every Hello Tushy bidet attachment comes with a 60 day risk free guarantee and a 12 month warranty. Damn, that is good. Where do I sign up? Well, Gamelessners can go to HelloTushy.com slash awful for 10% off plus free shipping. Get 10% off plus free shipping and get your butt clean at helloTushy.com slash awful. HelloTushy.com slash awful.

Hey, guys, you ready to record what it was? Hold up. Yeah, almost Thomas is just taking care of what you did on his windshield as an ad for Hello Tishi. I didn't do that as an ad for Hello Tishi. You didn't? No, I did it because you cheated code names. I did not cheat. Don't make me do the back window too. He will. Okay, everyone, welcome to the first writers reading of God, where are you? Uh mean, where are you, God? Nope. No, that one was actually taken. God, where are you? Question, Murray, that's what we're going to go with. Is there any chance that we already bought the fucking bot?

Okay, it's God, where are you? Okay, fine. So as you know, our movie is going to be the relatable story of a world champion boxer who kills somebody of the ring is bankrupted by the lawsuits against him and ends up on the street homeless. Classic tale. I know like five guys do that. That's happened to right.

Don't we all, but then you have a series of conversations about apologetics with a magical black man. Bingo. I'm I'm sorry. What? Oh, I was just doing something for a podcast. Don't worry about it. Okay, so yeah, if you guys just want to throw out some apologetics about the problem of

evil, we can get started. Who are we to understand God's plan? Mysterious ways. Love it. Free will. Yep. Free will. Oh, my sister got divorced last year.

Could we aim the camera at her wide eyed pie face for half an hour? You bet we can. Yes. And I can pretend to be a blind guy. You can? Yeah, sure. See, look, who's there? I'm blind.

So I can't see you. Yeah, I guess I guess blind people probably say that a lot. Yeah. They must, right? All the time. Right, okay. I think this is a that a lot. Yeah. They must, right? All the time. Right, okay. I think this is a movie. Oh, sorry.

Can we plug the gratitude journal that they sell at the CVS right next to the big book of extra easy word searches? But plug it. We can make the whole movie about it. Nice. How is your sister, by the way? Yelly.

Yeah, it sounds like. And we're back for the breakdown of my very first notice. Hey music, pick a fucking genre, okay? Yeah, my music notice passive aggressive jazz at God. Yeah, I have a lot of music notes in this one. My second note actually is music note. Actually, just shut the fuck up. Just I got a genre for you. John Cage. Do you explore that one more? Yeah. No, and one of the songs right after it, like there's a couple right in the road.

Again, like you said, I mean, it's a fucking, it's just everybody's demo tape, like every Christian band's demo tape for the whole movie, the entire never stops, the entire movie. And one of them is like, I love it because each instrument is everything they're playing is like what you learn within week one of playing the instrument. You know, it's like the drums like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, okay, I think I got the drive. I think I got it. It's like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Like it's just so basic.

Like why would you fucking just get somebody who plays stuff? You just hear a recorder in the background doing hot crossbugs. Yeah. Yeah. There's a fucking every eight. Is that a triangle? I think that's a fucking triangle. Yeah.

So and as that's going, we're watching like guy walks sadly down the street at night. He comes closer to the camera. We realize that he's homeless because he's all shitty and dirty apparently. Well, yeah, a circle of his. Well, there's. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. And I want to point out this movie begins with one of my favorite Christian movie tropes, which is the actor has been asked to walk in time to the credits, but he walks too fast. So he has to go smooth for the last three steps across the scene. He tries to moonwalk for a little bit. All right. So then we cut to him. We get, you know, at length, we get the end of that fucking music. And then there's an African American

general, he's like falling asleep outside. And there's an African American general men asking if he's okay only through my right head. Oh, I know. What the fuck? I as always, I have so many sound notes that nobody cares about. The fully in this movie is incredible. It's like, I don't know if they were paying by the hour for the fully guy or something, because he's like, I'll do five scenes. And so inexplicably, five scenes have this, like, really way too loud fully and nothing else does.

There's like, what was walking it? It's like, don't, don't, don't, like the old classic like 20s radio footsteps What do we like he opens the book and it's like Just opened it. It's not It's the same time like like think whoever was doing the sound mixing. He's like look man I'm charging you by the headphones. So I can do lap time.

I can do right. You can, you're pan-double of them doing both. Well, I think they're like, we'll have him be in the right and then the flashback will come in the left. But it's like, no, that doesn't work. No, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'll give you the footsteps sounds and the book opening sounds.

But I will never remove when a microphone rubs against someone. Okay. All right. So this leads into the flashback where sunny that's our fucking hero. His name is sunny. Sonny boon. No less. We're flashing back to his last boxing match. This is six months earlier. Keep in mind this entire flashback happens in six months. And he's not boxing very well. We cut to these ridiculous announcers who've decided that like late in the eighth round would be a great time

to give you the backstory and the basic dynamics of the fight. Yeah. And furthermore, they're like fighters. Can you do nothing for 45 seconds while we talk about you doing nothing for like, that's not how fights work. Nope. And I'm glad he died before he had a chance to, because he would die again if he had to put up with the sportsballing that's going on in this movie.

I mean, I'm sure Noah, you can appreciate this. Like, I'm reading in the, in the fucking IMDB here, there's so much bullshit, terrible boxing stuff. Like here's what I wonder. Every athlete in the world is the most Jesus-y person in existence. Why can't they find somebody when they make these shit movies, find a Jesus-y sports person to just tell you all the stuff? Because he's the two-time boxing champion of the world. Of the world?

That's not anything. First off, you have weight classes. So you'd be the heavyweight champ. Right, yes. You'd be the middleweight champ, the welterweight champ, whatever. And like, of the world, I mean, yeah, you might unite your titles or whatever. You might unite the belt. But like the way they talk about everything is fucking wrong.

And it drives me so nuts. Also, also, could you have not gotten an actor, a lead actor who had remotely a boxer's physique for this? I mean, the guy he's fighting looks like a boxer more or less, but this guy, it's just, you know, he's in better shape than me, I guess. This guy is if you locked Josh Brolin in a shipping container for two weeks full of pancakes. Or he survived on like rat droppings. He's like a tiny Josh Brolin. He's not a boxer.

No, he's like Thanos' little brother or something. So and then by the way, there's never any reason for them to be standing there for so long talking about how bad he was doing in this fight or anything. No, that never matters because then at some point the other fighter starts to taunt him and sunny punches him so hard in the chin that he dies. He dies instantly. Dies from a chin punch, that fatal chin punch, it'll get you every time. Yeah, help me out here because the rest of the movie proceeds as though he knocked the guy out and then punched him a hundred

times to a pulp after the, you know, the, the ref. Like that's how they treat the rest of the movie. Yeah. And with the folding chair. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Shubs the ref out of the ring and like keeps going at him.

What we see here is he punches him once, right? And then maybe there's like one more. Yeah. Like one as he's going down yeah that's nothing that's not even nope that's just how it works yeah if he happened to die which is happen a couple times in you know in life it would they'd be like oh wow that's a freak accident man sorry the poor boxer that was fighting him he must be a real awful yeah right but then they treat the rest of they spend the rest of the movie acting as though that's what happened. Yeah, the, the, and even the endouts are

say, I have no idea why he kept beating him. Right. He said, we didn't. Well, it's because it's a boxing match. They treat him throughout the rest of the movie as though this was a tennis match. If this is the world ping pong tournaments, the rest of this will be make the difference. And I love it too. Like it's just another reason they don't know the sports anything. They tried to in order to get out of this announcer dialogue, they're like, we'd better get in for a closer look. You're like, what the fuck you talking?

Right. What? The announcers are going to get out. I hear the scene is ending. They're right there already. Like an announcer, ringside. Right, yes, exactly. I can't even read his tattoos from here.

Hold on a second. I'll report back here. I'm going to go breathe in his last breath, because then I'll have all his magic powers. All right, so after the fight, Rimo is, sorry, Sonny's real name is, in case Sonny Boone wasn't a dumb enough fucking nickname. Yeah. The characters real name is Rimo. I'll refer to him as Sonny throughout or at least I'll try. So Sonny's in the back with his trainer.

I love that the trainer gives away that the guy's dead too quick. He's like, oh, you killed the guy and Sonny's like, what? He's dead. He's like, well, we don't know that, but I mean, he could be dead. And then a guy comes and he's like, oh my God, he got killed. And he's like, oh, see? He got killed. Yeah, and the delivery too is like, yeah, he's dead.

He is dead. Yeah. Right. And the director's like, yeah, now he's dead. There's no don't. Oh, no, he's dead. He is dead. I got that.

I got the text alert. I got it. I just want to add, we do get as he, like right before he allegedly kills the guy, we get a shot of a black guy walking out. And like the implication is like the black guy caused it or something. It's really weird. I don't know what we're supposed to think in that. Oh, that's going to come back at the end of the movie. It is. But yeah, at the very, at that moment, it had a very like, I didn't come here to watch this guy

punch a dude to death kind of a feel to it. Well, like legitimately, it looks like our main character was like, what black guy? I'm gonna kill this guy, you know? Yeah, right. That would look like. Right. You didn't tell me there would be black people in the crowd. I swear to you, I was like, is that gonna be the angle here?

Like he's. I don't know. All right. So, but then he hastily leaves from the fight and then he goes to drive back home in the middle of the day. So apparently this fight was happening at like two in the afternoon or something. So he goes by the home and there are people, there's like this tiny smattering of eight people

standing around his mansion with blackbirds that say murder. No, it's somebody. I was listening to the fight on the radio when I heard what happened I was like honey get the crafting supplies We got to make science as fast as we got to be in home I know they won't look great, but it's about the timing like if we get there We can make an excellent sign and we go out too late that won't do anything. We got you know Glory to be home. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good that won't do anything. We got, you know, the Lord, we hope don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Damn it. Yeah.

We've been planning this for weeks, hoping that you would kill that guy in the rain. No. And it's like call the call the group. You know, the, the Facebook group we have, exactly. That's like people ready to protest a boxer who killed a guy. Call him. This is the moment we've been waiting for. This is the day. Yeah boxing wives, Matt, wrestling response protesters. Yeah. Finally. Yeah. And so we cut over from there. Yeah, I can't even get into his house. We cut from there over to his hearing at the Florida Boxing Commission, uh, where the world champions adjudicated apparently, you know, they have those world championship boxing matches in Florida.

So often it's a big boxing state. Yeah. So but we learn here that the. It's a big boxing state. So, but we learn here that the panel has revoked his boxing license in Florida. Well, yeah, but, but, but the national boxing licensing guys are probably. I know. I do love that they did bother.

Like someone was trying to keep an eye for the details. Like, well, this is just one state. What about, uh, and we're to encourage every other state as well. Yeah. Now you can only box in South Dakota. Yeah. We have a big interstate boxing conference luncheon and we will bring this up. It's new reminder key to this story is this was his last fight.

Yeah. We find out later this. That was the whole plan. this was his last fight. Yeah. We find out later this, that was the whole plan. It was his last fight. And then we're like, we're supposed to care that you lost your boxing license. Okay, I'm not doing that. Yeah, right. Usually, yeah, that was, that was, you were planning to retire after this. Anyway, but yeah, but the gavel falls with a literal thunder clap.

The folding guy was fucking with him at this point. And the Florida, the Florida boxing commission was been like, oh, we get to use the gavel. Yeah, bring the gavel today. Yes. We have that. We can barely ever use it. Bring this. Rock paper scissors for the gavill guys.

Rock paper scissors. No, it's me because I can do a good slow mo hard gavel. I practiced it. All right. So, and by the way, just so in case that scene was a little too mysterious, we weren't really catching all the nuance. We cut from that to a big headline that says boon band from boxing in state of Florida. Front paid. Exactly. It's like bingo. Boon band from boxing. Yeah. It's got a few more. They should have done that actually. So and then we

get to see where like his life is followed part. We see his car is getting repossessed as his girlfriend is leaving him. It might not have. Dan is mom left him. That sucks. When things get so bad, your mom breaks up with you. Yeah, right. So waste. No. Well, what I love to about this series of scenes is they keep having like hit, you know, Scar will be being repossessed or he's being a victim from his mansion and he keeps just wandering into the scene going, oh, man, come on. What does he does that like an all three in the car, the white man, the house, as though they're like surprising him with all of these.

And so he's got, okay, there's so much here. I'm so sorry. There's a lot of times where there isn't a lot, but I got to spend a minute here. Yes. First off, music note, weak ass electric guitar tone. Like, this is like, when I first was trying to play electric guitar and I had it plugged into my like Windows 95 PC trying to get like a ton of, you know, it's just like, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man,, it's just like, man, oh, man, oh,

man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh,

man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh,'t, oh, I can't, this is too big for me now. I can't afford it. Sell your mansion, you fucking idiot. Right. Then it's like the foreclosure guy is just following behind him, putting foreclosure on everything. Get in a car, foreclosure car, man. So over. It's a telephone booth foreclosed it. Yeah. Right. Cause we actually watch him get evicted from his mansion and then evicted from a shitty apartment. It's been six months. and then evicted from a shitty apartment. It's been six months. Do you not understand how this works? Like, you have to pay the thing that you live in.

You have to pay it. He's like, I don't get it. I just don't understand. I've just been moving into places until the sign guy shows up. I understand. And let me shut like the movie tries to explain how a world champion boxer could go broke from one boxing match. And they're like, well, it's because we gave him your purse. Yeah. And also all your other money. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And it, oh, that's the problem because, you know, realistically, you could be like,

well, of course, they suit him for always worth, you know, and they, whatever. But that doesn't work with the later part of like, they forgive him. So they have to like find a way for this to make sense. Yeah. Spoiler, it doesn't make any fucking sense. Nope. They don't. Two time boxing champ. Oh, all right. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Oh, we also, I love this. Just in case we weren't getting just how down on his luck the guy has, we get the scene where the people in the car have to turn around so they can throw soda at him. It's so.

Oh my god. It's so bad. He is walking down the median in a full hoodie over his head and they approach him from behind. Yes. And they're driving like, Hey, isn't that that one guy? That's right. In our town like this dirty like, come on.

If there's anything I know about as a rebellious teen, it's the reverse profile of world champion disgrace boxes. Turn around so I can throw my slushie in. Yeah. And then they throw a water bottle. Hold on, they throw water bottle and she goes killer. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And then they leave. Like, yeah, what? Why? Do you either have like the energy and the focus to be like, this man's a killer? Fuck you, man, you're a killer. Or you don't give a shit and you're like,

I'm right, yeah, exactly. It's not both. It's a very weird middle ground. Yeah. It's so funny that you killed a guy. Water bottle at ya. You deserve a soda in the face. So now, and by the way, now we're all caught back up with the beginning.

Right. That all happened in six months. So this African American gentleman is going like, Hey, man, it's cold out here. Do you want to come inside? He says, you look hungry. I'm like, how does one look? Are there flies crawling on his face or something? And we should point out that the gentleman, he will be a magical black gentleman. Yes.

And he will telegraph that fairly early on and throughout the movie because every line he delivers will be delivered like this. Like it's the final words said by a character before they turn into dust and into a magical tuxedo that's been weird to the ball. Oh God. And he, so the second time I watched this through, I watched it at 1.75x. And what's funny is that actually turns the pacing into normal pacing. Oh, okay.

Yeah. There is so much dead fucking nothing. This magical black man asks him to try to feed him for 20 minutes. Like, you're just like, are you sure? Yeah. Could you use a donut about a, he goes through every food. Right. Yeah, exactly.

How about an apple, bacon, glass orange juice, you're like, fucking, you have nothing better to do than just beg a white dude to feed him like forever. I'm watching this on YouTube. I'm like, I cannot believe I'm watching this on YouTube. I'm like, I cannot believe I'm watching ads to see this. Right? The people who made this movie should have to watch ads for me to see it.

Yeah. Damn, that's actually a new billion dollar business idea. Make the shitty Christian movie makers have to watch ads to make us watch. Oh my God. Okay. I'm gonna call people. Christian movie makers have to watch ads to make us watch. Oh my God. Okay. I'm going to call people.

So, so finally at length, Sunny agrees to put the, this guy, this character's name is Malachi. By the way, just in case he wasn't angelic enough. Wait a minute. That doesn't sound like a normal human name. So yes, so Malachi, I'm going to go inside this diner. And we know he's magical in case, well, I mean and we know he's magical in case well, I mean we know he's magical because it's a black character and we're watching a Christian, of course.

But but when he goes into the diner, it's a diner is close so he waves his hand in front of the lock and it unlocks. We will see this magical hand wave lock trick 17 times. Yes, we will. That's brilliant. Be honest, by the last time he magic unlocked the door, I was crying with laughter. Yeah, and like, I have the note there, you know, before seeing or talking to you guys that, like, he's literally a magical black man.

Like, they're like, this is almost like they're aware of the trope and they're trying to fuck with us. Like, yep, see? Like, the shine, so it's like, right. Exactly. And it's so cloying. Sorry, it's just the magical black man. They have to play this thing. Like, okay, you let him in. You're going to feed him. You don't have to wait on him hand in foot. He's like, do you want to sit down here? Should I wipe your ass before you sit down? What about if I clean the thing? Yeah. He's all over him. I'm just like, dude, fucking, ah, if a magical angel came down to do an intervention

and did that, I'd be like, you're getting a little clingy, man. Like, can I get, you know, right? I wrote my nose here. I was like, can you imagine writing this dialogue and then not setting it on fire? And then yourself, like diving onto the fire that you just created. So they start talking. And of course, there are two basic gists to the conversation from Sonny's perspective. One is that there is no God and God didn't, doesn't exist. The other is that it's all God's fault that he's in such a bad spot. And why did God do this to him? Yep. But that opinion will change word to word in the sense. Oh, absolutely. Yes, it'll be back and forth like a goddamn heartbeat monitor. Within dependent and independent clauses, it changes whether or not he's talking about

God not existing or God did a thing to him bad. Yes. Like, nobody is like, shut up. God. Also, okay, so he's supposed to be a homeless and starving. So they bring him out this bacon and eggs and he eats really fast and everything And I get why this is done in movies, but like You have to at least recognize that what we're watching is a guy with a sloppy-ass beard scarf down food all gross

Please get egg in his nose He knows. Yeah. I am not lying. Does not come any big. It's in his nose. It's pretty funny, but yeah, it's like absolutely disgusting to watch. And they hold onto it for so long. We want we come back to it.

The black guy gets up and goes to talk to another ghost customer that's in his diner or whatever. And we watch fucking sunny scarf more eggs and shit. It's bad. It's got fucking shitty actors of the worst. It never ends. You can't just be like, Hey, so unpleasant.

Here's your thing in the scene. You're hungry. Oh, okay. I'm going to kind of eat a little fast. Nope. Oh, my God. I'm just right. Shaving fucking, cracking eggs into his mouth.

Like, so in the full like egg shell like to dog eats the tail. No, I'm sorry. Can you eat your eggs like the Tasmanian devil going down on the ass of little noss for the first time after 20 years apart? That's what we're looking for. Oh, God. And this is where we get the line because he's I think he starts complaining about his fucking bullshit story. He's like, I could have been a multi millionaire.

Okay. I know. I know I already said this. Two-time world champion of boxing. He's not a multi-million. He doesn't have two million dollars. Not two million dollars. Two-time.

Not like, oh, got lucky. I was a challenge. Like you could conceive of like, yeah, I took a fight short notice because someone got hurt. I was a challenge. I got in. Didn't make much money on the first championship that I got lucky. That wouldn't be unifying a bunch of belts, by the way, but whatever. Okay. Right. Right. Two time world champions, not a multi-millionaire. Okay. Sure. Well, they also have this conversation where like, so him and Malachi are talking and he's like, oh, you know I got it pretty bad. I is God fuck me so bad. I was such a bad life and everything and Balachi's like well The other guy in the fight died

So I mean like I mean like we're just comparing the two of you and then Sunny and he'll stick to this for the like next 25 minutes of the movie starts arguing that no, no, no, the dead boxer had it way better than he did. Yeah. He got to keep my money. So and I we should also point out by the way this actor Wade Wallace the guy playing star to Josh Brolin So yeah exactly starved Josh Brolin is doing this entire bit in Eli's Batman voice

I had in fairness my note was oh he sounds like a better Batman than Ben Affleck. Well, yeah But yeah, he complains to Malachi that God doesn't exist and is fucking him. And Malachi, Malachi at one point is just like, man, you know, we just are having the same conversation over and over again. I'm gonna go talk to my ghost customer over here and then he'll disappear a little later. He goes and talks to the firefighter guy.

Yeah. And because this movie thinks that we're really fucking stupid, it's kind of hinting around. He's was like yeah, he used to be a firefighter until there was a terrible accident Yeah, right, right. Yeah, and he's like I know it's so ham fisted. He doesn't trust you at all They practically the black guys like I'm gonna go talk to my ghost I'm gonna go talk to my ghost. God. I'm going to go talk to my entire lia live customer. Yeah.

Would you like to hold on to his sweater? You can give it back to him tomorrow. But so there's also this great moment where like he's like, okay, well, you're homeless. So here's a card of a pastor down the street that can put you up for the night. And he's like, oh, I knew it. You and your Jesus, he bullshit trying to shove God down my throat by giving me a warm bed in which to sleep.

I'm an atheist and I hate God. Yeah, because the big issue we take with pastors in their flock is all the free things they give away. Yeah. Well, plus like how thick are you? You didn't know that Malachi, the guy who's open the ghost diner for you to come in and like,

Let's get a try and ask you about whether God is waiting. Yeah. Oh, there's this has to do with God. Yeah. Oh, this was just a He I thought you were angling for gay sex. This is weird. Yeah.

That would have been better. And then so he goes to leave to go to this homeless shelter. And Malachi stops and he says, Hey, would you mind coming and going through the back door? And he's like, really? He's like, no, man, I just always wanted to say that to a white guy. Okay. Okay. Here's the thing though, the sub theory that I had throughout this movie that Malachi is just a crazy Christian

who breaks into this diner so that he can give down on their luck people. Evangelical pep talks is enforced by that luck. Yes, it is. And there's also no reason why that would ever be the case. Thank you. Well, okay. My note was like, all right, I'll bite. Why the back door?

Why does that matter? Why does that matter? No, I don't get it. You've already, you've broken in, you're the your the lights are on your eating in the diner. Everybody is that like you're sneaking out? I don't understand. No idea. Well, so but just in case we were wondering about that, the soundtrack screams us into submission. Okay. Okay. There is no way for me to communicate how loudly and quickly they blast this teenager singing as I went down to the river to play.

I literally, it's like this quiet scene. He's like, I'll see you next time, friend. All right, Madagascar. I was like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I Is exactly what happens Eli wrote in the notes because he washed it before me He turned his like he cranked up his font size and just wrote turn your headphones down He like gave like a genuine safety warning I can actually consider for this like guys just in Kate. You know, like, you know, it's all fun and games, but like hearing a lot of damages is real thing. Yeah. You don't, you never, you never get those back.

I was wearing ear headphones for this. I had no escape. And you can tell to you because they start, I think the people singing back of singing harmony, you know, because that song in, you know, O'Brother, where art though has fantastic harmonies. Oh, yeah. And so you, because that song in, you know, oh brother, we're art though, has fantastic harmonies. And so you can tell that the harmonies is like, it doesn't matter because you're screaming so loud.

It doesn't really matter what notes I sing under that, you know, they're like, I love what the fuck's going on. They're just like quit. And so, and then okay, now here's, this is such a stupid fucking movie. So what's supposed to happen now is that he goes to the Shelter the church shelter he spends the night at the church the next night

Once again, he has nowhere to stay and nothing to eat so he goes back to the diner But we never see a day Right, so what we see is him walking into the Shelter into the church at night walking back out still at night and back to the diner. So for all we know he just like forgot his watch, you know, and went back to the day. Amen. Did I leave? But I guess he slept 24 hours. See, yep. I don't know. I mean, either that or like we got a dark city situation like. Yeah. All right we're in the mood. Oh, okay, all right, yes. We're harvesting.

I'm glad you guys got to watch this scene because my entire notes for this scene are just them trying to adjust the volume to human level. Or it's a pop-up. It had appeared on my screen that offered to stop that song. I would have paid whatever as a micro-transaction. Yeah, like a hacker situation, though. Absolutely. We'll give you control of your computer back from the song for a micro transaction. Yeah, like a hacker situation that will give you control of your computer back from

the song for a million dollars. We have videos of you jerking off and we'll turn off down to the right. All right. Let's buy some videos. Just yeah. All right. Well, tell you what, this will be teased me for a second, like, you know, with the thought that it wasn't all going to take place in this fucking diner.

But now it is. So while I deal with that fucking betrayal, we're gonna pause for another quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more. God, where are you? But, but I called Vladimir Chateau and he said it wasn't in the spirit of the game. I mean, I don't want to get Spinozy and deconstructionists on a board game, but if he didn't put it on the two-sheeter, that's on him. You're destroying society. Hey, guy, what's up? Hey, like, what you eating?

Gum. How many pieces of gum? Well, in heaven. Wow, that's a lot of gum. Why? I'm guessing quip. What's quip? Whip.

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Quip, the Good Habits company. Thanks now I'll check it out. But maybe stick to one or two pieces. Yeah, that looks like a toddler's brain. Right? Really does. But tell me, sonny, how can God be the cause of your troubles if he doesn't exist? You don't understand, man.

You'll never understand. Now, how about some peach pie, huh? Yeah, actually, some peach pie sounds good. Goddamn it, dude, you gotta stop doing this. Oh, oh, he's a demon. He's here to tempt you. You can't just break in here and try to convert people to your religion. That this is my business.

Oh, damn it. You got into pies again. A toaster. Whoa. You hit that guy in the head. Oh, he's a demon, son. It was a demon. Okay, I think I'm gonna go.

Hmm, don't you want to finish your pie? No No, I'm just gonna go I Will pie for me then and Jesus Okay, what Con ambulance sure demon And we're back from where this shit we're gonna rejoin sonny at the diner where malachi is

Gonna bitch at him for not saying thank you to the waiter like he's a fucking five year old or something And at first it seems like just it seems like malachi is just like a bitchy babysitter or something But apparently that's essentially the plot of the movie is that he needs to learn to be more thankful Yeah, this is where Christianity is going to ruin gratitude journaling. Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, it's like a thing and there's some somewhat decent science about it, helping with anxiety and depression when in conjunction with therapy and medicine and that kind of stuff.

And Christianity's like mine, mine, mine. It's so upsetting. It's also upsetting because I've been doing it since the start of COVID and it's like finding out that me and Marjorie Taylor Greene both do CrossFit. I'm like, well, I don't want to. Oh, so do you do pull ups like that fucking insane method that's not a pull up then. At least call it something out. A pull up, you're working the certain muscles, the pull, yeah.

That's a fucking noodle that you like. Dude, that's that break dancing move. But that's not the word. It's the word. The word. So they're having their, they're sitting at the dinner having this conversation and Malachi has to stop again to talk to another one of his ghost customers.

Well, well, I wasn't sure at this point, like again, the metaphysics. And I was like, Oh, time to go send another poor bastard to their makers, like, I was like, killing him. I wasn't sure. Like he was the last stop. Oh, I got. I don't know. It's time to pass judgment on another soul. I'll be right back. Right back. Enjoy your bacon. Oh, that would be a Christian worldview is the last thing you do before you pass on to the afterlife is shitty diner coffee.

So, yeah. So he comes back and he's like, so, so what's that old lady story? He's like, oh, you know, she lost her job that she had for a lot of years. He's like, see, no God, motherfucker. Yeah. Proof. And then he's like, well, don't be so fast. Half a millionaires start their businesses after 60. And I'm like, what, dude, I'm gonna Google that and it's a needy. I got into like half of millionaires in Google

was like, no, no, that's no. I was just like half of a millionaires are born into it. I would imagine. I was just waiting for this.aires are born into it. I would imagine. I was just waiting for this. Half of millionaires in this country start their businesses after the age of 80 was a quote that Malachi, the angel of God said after the age of 60, but yes, yeah, at the age of 60s.

This is the only time anyone's ever heard that sentence without being sold thrive, right? Afgheter. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You expect Malkay to be like, and therefore the Capitol Gaines text, too hot like, you go directly into the camera. Millionaires built this country. They're the employers.

They're the reason, yeah, I just go right in. Yeah, exactly. But like, yeah, I love this quote because obviously, like even, let's assume it were true just for fun. There's no way that half of millionaires are millionaires because they started businesses. That's not, there's no way. Like half of millionaires are,

you were a boomer and you bought a house in 1970 for $5 and fucking, you know, Bobcat Bob and then you held onto it and now it's worth $2 million. Exactly. And then you probably, when you were 65, you're like, oh, because I'm white, I have $2 million now, because that's how this country works back then. So I will start a bullshit business that sucks. And then I will contribute to this.

I'll start a little fucking yarn store downtown. Right, exactly, exactly. Here's my favorite part of this. Is when I was searching this quote, the other suggested quote that came up is half of millionaire gamblers play poker on like a, we can teach you how to win it poker with that. So Google literary was like, I hear you like stupid shit.

Would you like this stupid shit? But that is okay, but that is 70 times more useful than this fucking stupid quote. Right. That's at least saying, Hey, do you think for some dumb reason that you're going to make money gambling idiot? Well, if you are at least try poker, something that has some amount of skill that you can get that yeah, exactly rather than fucking yeah like roulette or something scratch off tickets. Yeah. So right, but so malacat. Here's the point that this stupid fucking movie is making is that malacat has to point out to him like, yeah, this old lady lost her job and she thought that it was the, you know, that everything had really gone to hell for it,

but it turned out that that was what she needed to start her own business and now and then she became a million air and and then she died right because like she will find out later that all of these people are dead but so like eventually it ended up bad All the stories are sad by the end in the middle this fucking another lex condescending lecture by Tucker Carlson, Magical Blackman, I just wrote down, dude, just find another ghost diner. This one is so fucking annoying. Is there an Islam ghost diner? You could just for spice things up with a little bit.

This ghost diner would be nice. You'd shut the fuck up. You would just be quiet. Then you think you're in a better ghost diner. You're like, oh, this is just a denny's like, oh, shit. They look dead. They look dead, but they're not. It's a kind of ghost dining.

It's like being dead. Yeah. Their dreams have died, but they're actually not dead. On the outside, they're still alive. It's like, but so apparently, sunny feels the same way, right? He's like, this is stupid. I we just have the same conversation in the last goddamn scene. He's like, no, no, no, sit down and tell me more about your backstory.

He's like, I don't know. He's like, there will be pie. He goes, okay, all right, I was champ twice of the entire world of boxing. He's like, I want to get your take. And I'm like, you want his take on the whole, he pounded a guy to death thing. What is the take thing? You see, he had a comment or to death thing what is the take you see how to come in or something like well he did we're gonna learn but yes well and again like the character sunny feels the

same way it's like well you already said you knew who I was like obviously you would know my story if you knew who I was and he's like look man there is over an hour left in this movie. I'm going to need more than that. He's like, all right, okay, all right, but I don't know all of them. And then God took it all away. And he's like, did he take it all the way? Because I mean, other boxing dude died. And he's like, well, okay, man, stop it with that shit. Okay. And then he gives him the gratitude. Right after he says, I wish I was the dead guy

because his family has my money. He's like, this seems like a weird transition, but he is your gratitude journal. He's the first chapter. And this, okay, I'm prepared for you to tell me that I'm just dumb or something. Is this a book or is it a church? Right, it's uncle.

Sometimes, it's a, he's sometimes he's like read the first chapter of this journal I gave you, but it's a journal. I did, do I write the chapter and then read it? I don't understand. What do I not know what a journal is guys? What am I, what am I, where to believe it's like a third graders combination workbook slash. Yeah, that's it. It's a workbook. It's a goddamn workbook for grown up. Yeah. It's the Christian workbooks you buy while you're standing there at CVS. I do need

to get closer to the Lord or do I want a jumbo scream? No, I'm the closer to Lord. Right, but also, but also it's just a reminder that when Christians read 300 page books, it's because 250 of those pages are blank. So, so, Sunny goes off to, to sad at the shelter and he picks up the book and he thinks about not reading the book and then he does read the book and I wrote he reads he reads in the movie. I'm sorry Noah, I'm so glad that you were paying attention to the reading because I was paying attention to the couch he is sitting on which is proof that there is no God. I will take the Pope, friend, Cisco friend, see me himself, show him that couch and he will rip off his magic hat and start fucking a dude on the spot, my friends. It's like a little girl the back of a 1970s porn set.

Best worst couch. Yeah. Okay. All right. And it's funny too, because Malachi told him, you're going to be so grateful for the nice, warm bed you have. And then it's this. And then he's gonna sleep on a couch over one. Malachi. Like I'm not writing that in my journal. I mean, like, yeah, right. Like you didn't, it's, look, if you're homeless, I'm sure a couch and a blanket is great and everything, but you didn't have to have the character say, be thankful for your nice warm bed and then immediately show him going to sleep on a couch. Yeah, I love the reading process too,

because it looks like, all right, I'll at least do the crossword that's in the, yeah, where, and he's like, now that's too hard. I'll do, I'll do the jump. Yeah, right. It's like, uh, jumble to hard. I'll read Garfield. It's like, I don't understand the Garfield this week. I guys will just go bad. And he just goes to sleep. That's a process. He goes, it's almost like he picks it up and he goes, like, wow, it would be really boring to watch me read. This is

not going to work. And he picks up the pencil and he goes, just is boring to watch me write. read this is not going to work and he picks up the pencil and he goes just is boring to watch me write. Problem not solved. Do you want to watch me master me? All right. Okay. Well, then I'll just I'll tug one out later. Okay. And then some time later, also at night.

He's walking down the road. He's going back to the fucking diner because that's all this movie's got to offer. And some lady pulls up an abandoned offers him a ride. Oh my god. Yeah, in a movie of stupid useless scenes, this is the most stupid useless. She's amazing. She was the first sign that this movie had something good in store. Cause I know about you guys. At this point in the movie, I was super duper bored and I was like, ah, like how many conversations can I describe? Yeah. Well, I can describe this conversation. Fourth of rest of my life. Yes. She says, you need a ride and you're like, no, I'm literally going going see that building right across the street.

There that's where I'm going. She's like, I'll give you a ride right across the street. And he goes, I don't, I don't like smell homeless and shit. And then he agrees like, okay, drive me across the street. What is the, what? And then she's like, okay, but buckle. You're a seatbelt. He's like, we're going, we're pulling into the parking lot from here.

I'm sorry. I have to talk about the buckle your seatbelt thing. When she says buckle your seatbelt, her seatbelt is not buckled. It cuts over to him being like, okay. And then when it cuts back, she is wearing a seatbelt. They didn't go back and have her redo that line wearing a seatbelt, but they did later have her put on a seatbelt. And then she says, well, God doesn't promise tomorrow to anyone. And what it's setting up should be she pulls out and instantly is plowed through by giant truck. That should be

and then like in the wreckage, you know, where they're like barely they come to and she's like, see? Yeah, like what did he say? Seat belts. And she's like, she's like, I recognize you. You're the killer boxer guy. And he's like, Oh, are you a boxing fan? She's like, no, my ex husband was a big boxing fan. He's like, Oh, I see. Will that or the fact that you recognize me ever matter to anything whatsoever in this

movie? She's like, nope, nope, just needed to fill 80 more seconds with dialogue. She also squeezes in some more boxing ignorance by saying, yeah, your first championship. Like, you know, you'd say like your first title, your first, I didn't win the boxing championship. Like it's a bracket. It's tournament. Yeah. And look, as ham fisted and terrible as this is, this is also that this woman can tell her bad things happen to me, but God meant for a good things to happen to me story. Yep. And they could not take a longer or more circuitous or more resentful route to get there. Hi, can I give you a ride? No. Please? Okay, fine. I'll take a ride. Would you like to hear my story?

No, I would not like to hear your story. Looks like the restaurant's closed. Do you want to hear it now? No, I'm just gonna go take a shit in the bushes. Well, I can tell you my story from the other side of the bushes. Fine, you could tell me your story while I shit in the bushes. I was a gong girl and they own new jerseys. in the bushes. I was a girl girl in Bayo, New Jersey. It's looking at me. They spend seven minutes of the protagonist absolutely refusing while this woman just salivates at the chance to do her bit monologue. Yeah. It's like the director told him like, you're the stand-in for the audience here and he really took that brand with me. Well, if I'm the audience, I don't want this movie to happen. I really don't want this scene to happen. I'm not getting an event to drive 40 feet.

That makes no fucking sense. And now I really want to get out of this, man, because fuck this story. She's still talking to me. Can I go to sleep while she's talking? Like that's, he does all those things. He like passes out in the middle of her dogging. He really like that. If he was like the greatest actor in the world

playing that note, like the audience, he did it perfectly, Oscar worthy. And the story is so spectacularly boring. She's like, you know, I was married and I was happy and everything was great in my life. And he goes, did your husband get killed? And she goes, worse. Worse.

Worse. Worse. What it turns out was worse is that he left her and she wasn't able to see her children for a full month. That is a fate worse than death. But when she says worse, Josh Brolin goes, what's worse than, and then the camera, you are not going to believe this audience. If we described what happened perfectly in like a computer-esque detail like objectively perfectly, the audience would be like, no, you're fucking lies, you're fucking like, he goes, what's worse than dying

and it's supposed to be a realization, we'll get to that in a minute, pull out 50 pins that I set for you. And the camera goes, not one zoom in, not one zoom in like, uh, not two, not even three four zoom in. What's worse than burp burp burp burp burp, four zooms, dying and not like the wrong part of his face. It doesn't even. No, exactly. So this is supposed to be a realization, but he is saying what's worse than dying? Keep in mind, he thought already that he was worse off than the dead guy.

Right. So that's not a realization. You, you already agreed with that. You, you forgot movie. You forgot what side of the day you were on. It doesn't. And that the thing that she describes is just like bad sure but not on the same level. I think this they sat down and they were like, all right guys, we need a woman's perspective.

What's the worst thing that could happen to a woman? And this cast came up with being married to a pastor and then not being married to a pastor. That's probably the worst thing a woman could go through. I certainly can't think of a worst thing a woman could go through. They're like, all right, we've assembled a focus group to help us with this scene. Okay, Rush Limbaugh, New King Ridge, and again, Pastor, and one of the kids. Yeah, like, what do you think is the worst thing? Well, she's married within a church and then the guy leaves her and the Probably they even set up a more interesting possibility and then say no. He's like, oh, did you end up on the street?

And she's like, no, no But this is the first of a couple of the most needlessly elaborate Yes, yes first of a couple of the most needlessly elaborate. Yeah. Yes. Oh, so good. It's not the best. The fucking cop is the best by far, but yes, it's so good. So weirdly, because then like at a certain point, he's like, wait, wait, so your husband left you and you had to leave the house and you weren't able to see your children for a month.

That's even in this dumbass movie universe where I can be the twice world boxing championship, that's not how divorce works And she's like right, let me give you a bunch of needless Detail about this that still won't make it make sense No, you understand Noah you don't understand she put everything in the name of the church He put everything he's like a con artist, but why did he pick a church guy? Right, it's a good cautionary tale of how shitty people who run churches can be like, honestly. Yeah. Oh, why they did that. And she's like, our house was in the name of the church.

Are you my salary? The church, my car, the church, our friends, the church, actually, the church. All of them. The children. She says she can close. She goes, let me put it this way. I love this line so much. Let me put it this way. I knew how he liked his eggs fixed, but I didn't know how I liked mine. And then to which Josh Brolin says, what eggs, what do you mean? What are eggs? Oh, do you mean nose foods? Do you mean the things, the nose applicator that you... Uh, you mean white balls go splish, trash, okay. Yeah. I call them white balls go splish, like.

It's one of the, another one of those conversational non-sequitors that I highlight early on. What eggs? Like, no, you know what eggs are, dude, you're like, I just want, I just want, oh, God, there's certain moments in doing theater where you witness like high school theater, where a kid tries to play something and the director's like, dude, you know what eggs are, you are human. Like, you've lived on the planet, the web has eggs on it.

Does he own the food we've watched you eat in this entire movie? And we've watched you eat three times. And Ferris the light from the eggs has been red shifted because of eight so fast that maybe thinks it's a different thing or maybe blue shifted. I guess is that the right one? At one point during this monologue, I have to point out a plane goes by overhead and she just yells her lines. So she's like, I had no friends. I had no

family, no place to go. I was and then I sat there and I wondered. I was like, fuck him. Movie. No second takes. They had no control over this woman. She was just there to tower store the director's probably you we can wait we can wait until the plant we can we she's like no Here's another conversation non-secular Noah. I'm sure you had a fucking aneurysm when you heard this She says and then Malachi asked me how I like my eggs and Josh Rollin says you're telling me he convinced you there was a god me he convinced you there was a God. No, what? No, well, I actually, I am going to tell you that it's weird that you know that already. Yeah, we're like, okay, here's my new thought, here's my new thought. You know, we have these theories. Maybe they were like, you know what I always heard about Shakespeare was that he only gave the actors the lines they had. Or no, he only

gave the actor, yeah, whatever, and like the, the queue line. And then that made it really good. Like they only knew their life. They didn't know all the other lines in the show. May it really good. Maybe they did that for the scene and you're trying to figure out where the fuck she is. It's like, are we doing these? Oh, and are you telling me that,

are you saying, because if you're telling me that? Yeah, and he told you, believe in God, I don't know. She's like, no, that's later on. And I have this whole thing. The best part is at the end of this scene, he goes, wait, wait, wait. How do you like your eggs?

And she says, and I will think about this every day until my heart explodes. Yep. Scramble, of course. Why, of course. Why, I need. Because to know, of course. And the story, her maybe radiation got her and like she can't have children. I

Scrambled of course, I don't I think honestly and maybe I'm giving this writer away too much credit And that seems really easy it scrambled because her life was all scrambled up and his life was all scrambled up And sometimes when you mix it all together and what comes out at the end is tasty. Okay, that's so much better, I hope. I think I don't think, you know, come on, let's face it. I think they probably had a dream one time

that they think we might know about. Or something might. Yeah, this movie was narrated into an iPhone's Note Zap. I think that's the Zap, I think. I think that's what that's really good. Scramble, of course. Yeah, it is unbelievable. Yeah, so Malik, I guess, there to open up the ghost diner. She leaves. He's like, do you want to come in and have eggs?

Because we've been sitting together outside of a diner for a while and everything. And I'm pretty sure you're the love interest at this point. I don't know. And she's like, no, the whole dynamic would be fucked up if I was also there in the next scene. I just kind of be sitting there. Yeah, it'd be weird. Well, and they're like, no, I'm still alive. I mean, we're all alive. You also were because you haven't figured it out yet. Audience. Right And so son he's like, you know, son he's still like bummed about how terrible his life's going and Malik has started going like, you know, you worry about money and awful lot.

And I'm like, he's fucking homeless. Oh god damn, of course all the homeless people worry about money a lot. Oh, homeless people. You people love real estate. I don't have a house. House this. Home this. Crazy. And then now again, it was physically impossible to pay attention to this movie. Okay. But I did blackout. And when I came to, I believe Malachi was using leave Malachi was using destroying an antil as a positive example for God. Yes.

Yes. Well, he and yes, and he introduces it with, he says, you don't think God exists. And then we get the guy, I guess, in this sentence saying, yeah, on this particular dependent clause, agreeing that, yes, there is no God. And then he asks, how many times does God say he'll leave you in the place, in a place? To which you would respond, you're asking me, what did the thing I don't think exists? Say I don't fucking know. Nothing. It's said nothing about anything. That's not a sp- I don't believe in this thing. Oh, yeah. Well, what did it say when it,

no, I don't believe in the thing. Yeah, exactly. What color are the thing you don't understand. I don't believe in the thing. It's not a crime to me. Yeah, exactly. What color are the thing you don't exist? Don't think exists size then. Yeah. So, but then this example is so fucking stupid. He's like, okay, so you know how you're walking along a sidewalk and you see an ant hill on it. You'll think, fuck those ants. They have not suffered enough yet.

I will destroy what they have created. And he's like, yeah, no, we all do that. Of course, absolutely. Yeah, this is a good, relatable metaphor. This is a great metaphor. You know how we abuse every animal and, you know, any life and we like to torture things, me and you. I am sold right now about torturing random animals.

Every time I get a chance, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, right. And, and his point is, you know how like when you kick over and ant-hills the ants just get right back to work, building that is like, yeah, because they have no ability to think. Yeah, exactly. He's like, well, they're ants. So, and Malik is like, well, what is that say about us? Essentially, I'm like, I don't, they're ants. They're not us. You wish we were smarter. Thinks of us as ants to torture at will and without thought. Yes, right.

And we should gladly accept it and rebuild our in hill over and over. And as though Malachi realized the sentence, he just said, he then abruptly stands up and goes, would you like to have a scene with a different character? I just realized that there's literally no set of sentences that make a letter for I just played out man says. Steve gave us a hundred bucks so he could pretend to be blind. She's just crazy. Billy, the blind character is written like someone has had blindness described to them in a different language for the very first time.

And that person is seven. I mean, I would do this as a kid with my siblings. Well, you pretend you can't see. And then you're like, where is everyone? Yes. I don't know where you are. Right. He's talking to a guy.

He can obviously hear the guy. And then he goes to shake his hand and he reaches behind himself. Like, you know, like, are you over here? Inside his, oh, he fists himself and is like, are you inside? Also, and I'm not going to point it out every time through the conversation. Every time there is a pause in the conversation, the Billy character, The only character this blind character will be like, did you walk away, did you run away? What? Hello? Is that what I'm doing? I'm blind and I can't tell. What's wrong with me? I forgot.

I forgot. I don't know. I can't see it. I don't know where I am. Look, I know we have some visually impaired listeners. If you do not do that to fuck with people from now on, you absolutely should. If you're having a boring conversation or like a hard relationship talk, just a minute there's a buzz.

Did you leave? Did you backflip out of the room? I am blind after all. I have no idea where anyone is. Oh, God. It's, yeah, they always say, you know, like your other senses get sharpened if you lose, you know, it's some sort of ability in one of your senses. This guy has no other senses.

He had the one and now that's the script says it's gone. So he's like, I could be floating in space or I could be outside or inside. I don't know. No idea. So, all right. So, but then Billy starts to tell him his backstory and his backstory is the silliest seven year old trying to come up with something on the spot bullshit. You can possibly imagine it's so fucking stupid. He. Yeah, please, please, Eli, please tell us Billy's back.

He was the number one pick in the NFL, like so many white gentlemen before him. Well, sorry, he was also going to win the Heisman because those two look so often go inside. Yeah. Yeah. In fairness, he could have been a really good quarterback to win the Heisman. Yeah. It's possible. Yeah. It's possible. I love that he has to, he has to point out that he's like, oh, by the way, I wasn't blind at that time, though. I wasn't a blind quarterback. He's like, oh by the way, I wasn't blind at that time though. I wasn't a blind quarterback. Yeah. Because Sunny is like in shot.

He's like, a blind quarterback. Did you have a team of trained bats? We did you with the ball. No, I wasn't blind. Oh, yeah, I thought you was some kind of, but I don't know. If you ever seen the gambit, he could throw the playing card. I thought maybe he some kind of, because I don't know if you have ever seen the gambit, he could throw the playing cards. I thought maybe he was like him.

And then the movie, okay, I can't help it. The more this is very problematic sports misunderstanding actually, because he says, I never had anything worse than a sprained ankle because he's setting up the head like an accident. And that's why he's like, you know, since I was six, I played pop-worn or whatever, never had anything worse than a sprained ankle because he's setting up the head like an accident. And that's why he's like, said, you know, since I was six, I played Pop Warner or whatever, never had anything worse than a sprained ankle. And Josh Brolan says, Oh, you're pretty lucky, huh? And he goes, lucky. No, I had a gift. A gift in which I guess was not getting hurt. Yeah.

That's not. Does this move you thing? That you, the people get hurt in football weren't good enough. Like is that what kind of fucking warped ass Christian Christian worldview, like meritocracy worldview is this? The people who get slammed, you know, blindside hit in football and get concussion, they weren't good enough. They just weren't skilled enough enough.

Well, they probably deserved it for something they, look, or God had a better plan for this. Got to practice a little harder. So, and it's so fucking bizarre, the movie goes so far out of its way to create a convoluted thing to happen to him. Instead of him getting hurt when he plays, he's like, I got hurt. It a terrible accident had nothing to do with football. Way safer than people say it is. That can cost you shit bullshit. Yeah,

gosh, it's aren't even real. Not even a thing. Not even really a thing. No, it was a drunk driver that hit my car, killed my two friends and blinded me. If anything, the message to the movie for like the Christian movie goers is anything he did outside of football was the threat. Like he was in God's plan when he played football, a violent sport that is killing kid, like honestly causing a ton of brain damage and harmful effects. But no, like it's like, no, I should have been asleep, you know, because I had practice next

day. But instead I went out with my friends. And that's the bad thing that he did. Yeah. And Sunny points out here, he's like, okay, well, the whole point of this movie is to convince me to believe in God. You getting blinded in a freak car accident is an obvious example against God. And Billy's like, gay marriage.

What's so fucked up is that Billy's like, well, I don't know, man, like I mean, there were three people in the car, and I'm the only one that even survived. And Sunny is like, well, yeah, but blind is so much worse than dead, right? Like, what do you have there? Aren't you, when you don't you wish that you got to be one of the dead ones? No. Yeah, he, he, questions whether

not God exists or whatever. And, and the not at all blind, fat bro's answer is, like I said, I'm still here, which I guess means fuck your dead friend. Right. How solid, cystic is that? No, I believe in God, because I'm still here, but he killed other people. Right. So they don't matter to teach me a lesson, apparently. And then to wrap up this story, he explains that the drunk driver who hits him is in prison and calls him once a week to say he's sorry. You would think at a certain point that would get boring right? Get old, right?

Which by the way, the point is supposed to be that it's worse to be that guy alive than it is to be dead. Something the main character. Right? Yes, exactly. Exactly. That's what you say. That's what you say. So but then Billy has to go because his scene is over now, right? Yeah. Kane's space work. So fantastic. Oh yes. Yeah.

Right. He whips out the visually impaired Kane. He's swinging it over his head. He's sore, fighting with it. He's doing that thing that sighted actors do where they slap like every not just like down on the ground, but they're like going up and down surfaces. Yeah. First step of being blinded checking with a stick is is there anything seven feet diagonally to my upper right check out there. Maybe there's like a

booby trap or something that might fire. Yeah. So so he goes back to the other table. I also want to point out that we're going to learn later that all these characters are dead. He's, he's, but not him. Well, but yeah, right. No, he's not dead. I was going to say that same thing. You fucking, you fucked up your metaphysics.

Yeah. You specifically, you had the lady not come in because as a ghost diner, but then this guy just comes in and he's gets to be a lot. Right, right. Fuck you. No, you're right. None of it adds up ultimately. All right.

So he goes back to the other table where apparently his breakfast was waiting and Malik is like, see blind guy could be worse. He's saying, yeah, but you know, this whole idea that there's a loving God in the world kind of that doesn't the existence of people who haven't even worse than me. Like undercut your argument to bits. Uh, Billy has won Grammys and Academy Awards for his music. Since he went, oh my god, as if this character wasn't already dumb enough, it turns out that after going blind and losing his chance at being the first round draft

pick for the NFL, he became a musician who's won Grammys and Academy Awards. Yeah. Why? Why? Okay. Here's the question. Do they think an Academy Award is something you get for music? Yes, I know they do give an Academy Award, but do the people who made this?

Well, I think the people who made this thought they were getting an Academy Award for the music. I guess. Are you saying the people who made this thing he won it for acting as well? Like he's on show. It's unclear what they think he won that war. So they say that he wrote the soundtrack for some movie

or something, but my question is, why create that weird, extra convoluted step into your thing? Just make him a Grammy winner. It's already silly enough. Why? There's so many moments in here that are so obviously written by a child, right? Where he's like, and then, and then now he's a spider. He got turned into a spider.

Where? He lost. He's crying. Yeah, right. then now he's a spider he got turned into a spider. Whenever he wants to fight crime it's not easy. Turns out that he can sense, oh shit I'm doing it. And my friend Kyle, he got his law degree. What? My friend Kyle, he said, he said that at his birthday, Spider-Man was there. So are you Christian? Yes.

Oh, it's so fucking so. So then yeah, he's like, no, you thought he was, you thought everything was bad for him just because he's blind, but it turns out he's a great blind musician. So everything's better for him. He's like, well, you know, he's still probably would trade that for, um, sight. I'm just guessing. And then Malachi bust out some clothes. He's like, Hey, man, I bought you some new clothes. Now, spoiler alert, we'll eventually learn that Malachi doesn't exist in the Sunnake in Angel. Are these eight like like like is sunny naked from this point out? Oh, that's so much better. I was just picturing like an angelic 12 mouthed Gideon of the Lord walking

around an outlet mall being like, it's like an 18 by 13. You got to be tall and skinny or short and fat. They got nothing in the middle. I love the stuff. I love the stuff that bad actors accidentally signal. It's my favorite thing because what happens is he says, I bought you clothes, Josh Brolin gives a puzzled look, and then the black guy leans in and goes, I guessed it, your size. I'm like, what is that signaling? What is that? Like, if a human leaned in and was like,

I guessed it, your size, do you like? You're talking about me. I'm a penis, right? Yeah, like you have to be this. But but he's not we know he's an angel So that's supposed to in his mind. What does that mean? Oh great question And he's like, hey man, can I can I like do some work to pay for all this food and these clothes and stuff He's like, not and shall except doesn't even really exist. You're gonna be naked for the rest of the movie I'll tell you what if you read the second chapter of my stupid book, that'll

be payment. And read right your book. The second, let's get to say read the second chapter of the journal you're writing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm plus all the stuff you've already written. Read that again, too. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, just when we thought this movie had nothing to offer, we got a blind first round draft, but Grammy and winning quarter back. And it turns out that is not even close to the dumbest turn this movie is going to take. So we're going to take a quick break and I actually feel like I'm already given acting the hardest but I'm going to do the question thing anyway because that's the format. Will Melika turn out to

be an angel? Will all the diner guests except for that quarterback guy turn out to be having ghosts? Does the writer understand that reveals are supposed to both come as a surprise and make the story make more sense? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the delightfully unhinged conclusion of Psalm 54. Where are you? Hello? I was so sorry, man. Hey Steve, how's it going? Ah, it's bad. It's bad because I crashed my car to your eyeballs. I know you did, man. And now, now you can't see.

Right, you know, you can actually... I'm sorry. Okay. Same time next week. Yep, talk to you then. I love you. I love you. I don't sign. Okay. Same time next week. Yep, talk to you then.

I love you. I miss the hung up. No man, still here. Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Are you sure about this? Yeah man, come on, I'm missing no way. I can just tell you what happens. No, I like to... That's what can just tell you what happens. No I like to. What are you doing? Oh hey no we're just taping my wireless earbuds into my skull. Okay why? So I can listen to my favorite podcasts. No I mean what why do you need to tape them into your skull? Oh I got one of those super duper cheap pairs and they don't stay in or fit right. So little Mr. Tapie tape. And I was just excited to wrap his head and tape.

Yeah, no, that tracks that tracks. But Eli, if you listen to a lot of podcasts, why not just treat yourself to a set of Raycon wireless earbuds? What are Raycon wireless earbuds? Raycons are built to perform anywhere and anytime with water and sweat resistant construction and Bluetooth that pairs quickly and seamlessly. No dangling wires or stems to get your way here. Raycons come in a range of stylish colors, anywhere and anytime with water and sweat resistant construction of Bluetooth that pairs quickly and seamlessly. No dangling wires or stems to get your way here.

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what you got to do to get it. You just go to buyraycon.com slash Gam. That's it. You'll get 15% of your entire Raycon order. So feel free to grab a pair and a spare. That's it. You'll get 15% of your entire raycon order. So feel free to grab a pair and a spare. That's 15% off it by raycon.com slash cam by raycon.com slash cam. All right. No, I'm in. Hey, Raycon doesn't sell underwear by any chance, do they? I don't I don't think so. Why? Okay. So Thomas, we can leave that tape on. Okay. What? I said Raycon's are a good product.

And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin Sunny heading back to the church shelter while someone aggressively bleeds amazing grace at us. Oh, okay. Okay. This is a goat. It is a Okay. This is a goat. It is a goat.

It is a goat. It's a singing yoga goat. And you'd be impressed if this was a goat, right? You'd be like, that's pretty good for a goat. Show us the goat. Like, show it. If someone was like, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, I don't know how to even start it.

I'm turning that. Well, and that's the fucked up thing, isn't it? I don't know idea how to start it Well, and that's the fucked up thing is that okay, it might have been an amazing grace is amongst the most beautiful pieces of music ever Fucking written it's so hard to make that into a bad piece of music But they managed it for this style nailed it By the way, unless it is a goat, then it fucking rules like show me. No, I'm telling you right. Yeah, our GTF. All right.

So he's heading back to the homeless shelter. And on the way, he runs into another homeless guy because this upper middle class suburb is filled with homeless people. Yeah, a perfectly clean teeth are great, well groomed homeless guy. Another one of those, yep. Yep, and so he, like physically they run into each other because this movie doesn't understand

what running into somebody means. And he's like, hey man, where are you going fellow homeless person? He goes, oh, they're running me off. They won't let me stay here. He's like, that's so weird, cause it's a homeless shelter. Oh, God.

They spend a dozen minutes on this comedy beat. Was there a comedy beat? Yeah, because he's like, yeah, man, I was sleeping out back and the guy came over and he was like, you should move aside. And he's like, you sure he didn't mean inside? Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap,

wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, if he was inviting me inside, why didn't he say anything except that one sentence? Yeah. Right, yeah, why didn't he say, as I started storming off, I was offering you a place to stay. So dumb.

No. But so the two of them get to talking, and he's like, what do you want to hang out and tell me your weirdly convoluted backstory? Oh, dude, I was like, why do I hear it back there? Yeah, I do.

Oh, deep in here. Okay. Okay. We got to out. Yeah, I do. Oh, deep breath, deep inhale. Okay. We've got to outdo rule of three. Like this one has to outdo the last two. This is the most needlessly elaborate backstory. It's so weird. All they need, reminder, all they need is character is down on his luck.

That's like all the script note be like guy has bad things happen and they're like, okay. So here I was meeting my ex at Nakatomi Plaza, right? How much do you know about Hans Gerber? Do I need to explain? This is so fucking ridiculous. Nope. He says, starts with I was a cop and I'm already like, no, you weren't. You were left with a cop and that blow was mine.

You were left. That's not what you were. He was an undercover cop that had to do the junk so he could fit in on the junk scene and then he got all messed up on the junk. Oh, it's going. That's not it. No, exactly. fit in on the junk scene and then he got all messed up on the junk. Oh, it's gonna keep going. That's not it. No, exactly. It's just going and going and going. It's like it was a turf war. See the fifth pre-sync.

They got to really fucking what? I don't. And also by then, my mother was very, very deep into her lung cancer. Why is Annie of this? I wrote my notes to him. Is this how the screenwriter thinks people become homeless? He's just walking through New York City. He's like, yeah, I was probably undercovered cop that guy there, champion boxer. I'm not done with the story. It keeps going. And he's like, I, because you thought, okay, you got to stop. You thought it was going to end. You're like, oh, you had to do drugs to go undercover.

Therefore you got addicted. No, no, we need a few more steps. We're not there yet in this Ruben Goldberg track story. There was also the rival gang, I think, had another cop that was in it, but he wasn't. Again, it's a child. It's a child telling the story, right? I got addicted to the drugs, but no, I did it. So then there was a bad cop and I killed him. It was, it starts to turn into the, departed in a certain point, right?

It's like, what is the departed? Oh God, you're right. He just describes it. I made the fucking die art joke. I should have done departed, you're right. He just describes it. I made the fucking die art joke. I should have done departed you. That's way better. And then Mark Wahlberg, he showed up in my apartment

and he was not covered in plastic. I will say this though, if his story had ended in, so you want to smoke some crack? I would have been like, okay, that's a great comedy. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. crack. I would have been like, okay, that's a great comedy. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. So there was a bad cop that got killed during a shootout. And but nobody knew he was a bad cop except for this guy.

So then he got blamed for the other cop getting killed. It's so weird. And again, none of it all mean does that matter? Is that the guy is home? Well, all it has to be is like, ah, fucking got laid off downsizing. End of scene. That's it. End of scene. They got to the end of this movie and it's like,

well, this is only a 70 minute movie. Shit, we want to go for an hour 39. Well, 29 minutes of cop backstory. All right, so there's two rival gangs, right? They control the docs, but they control the, it's like, what the fuck? Hey, Dave, you know that cop movie you're always pitching us that is confusing, boring,

and terrible? Would you be willing to say that as a first person monologue? Yeah. Well, okay, and you thought, ladies and gentlemen, listening at at home that that was the dumbest part of this scene but it absolutely is not because he's like you know and I and then I lost my job and now I'm homeless because of the turf war and the bad cop and the plot of the

departed and Mark Wahlberg and I'm a llama and he's actually in a goat was singing amazing grace it was really weird and he says and it's all because there is no God and I hate God that there isn't and then son He says I don't know about that. I've been thinking more and more about this God's stuff And I'm thinking maybe God's just mad at us for taking prayer out of schools What He says hold on he says no, he doesn't just say that. He says, do you remember how we used to say the Lord's Prayer in school and then one guy got offended.

So we stopped to which Bruce Willis in die harder. Yeah. Whatever. You know, fucking Leo DiCaprio is like, yeah, I do remember that thing. That didn't fucking happen. Yes, I do remember that. We, okay. So the thing that they're talking about happening, which of course they get

completely goddamn wrong, what they're talking about happened in 1962. Yeah. These characters would have to be their 70s. The whole argument, the only way this whole argument works is if everything now is worse than it ever was. Let me just hold on, I'm not grabbing his feetbook. One second, let's see, is now that we're, oh my God. Oh, Steven Pinker. The history book just ate me.

Like it came to life and just ate me and I'm dead now. So the answer is no, it's not worse than ever right now. God, son, he just goes on a tirade about how bad politically correctness is. He's like, he's like, we're so worried about offending people, but we're not a worried if we're offending God. And it's like, yeah, because the people exist in the world. And I'm telling him more concerned with being

read people. I'm not offended. I'm not worried about like, am I going to offend my TV remote if I turn my TV off? He's exactly. And your TV remote exists. That's the thing in the world. That would make more sense than being worried about a fending God. And then because apparently that argument wasn't stupid enough, he is in four perfect sentences going to prove himself wrong and end the scene. Yes.

Let me give you those sentences. He would say, yep, yep, please. Maybe God is like a boxing trainer. When I was training at boxing, my trainer worked me hard and I hated him for it. If my trainer had told me I was going to be a champion, I would have worked much harder. God should tell us. Faa. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and I think cut. Can I retro cut? When if I invented a third cop that was also undercut

and that cop was Jesus Christ. And the chief was on the take as well. Oh God. 30 pieces of silver they offered him. Yeah. This lady sold her baby to jeep. Yes. Okay, that's right.

Then it's the best movie ever. But then we had to pull over the baby. This is a cock rock prequel. There we go. Yeah. Okay, so then he gets done with this conversation. We see him. He's at the diner.

I guess he broke in on his own this time. Yes. You've gone to great pains movie to set up that Malachi specifically has to do a magic trick to open the back door because he's an angel and we haven't caught on yet because we're not smart enough to catch up with your movie. And then this seed, they're like, fuck all that. Hey, I just let myself in. Yeah, there is literally nothing this movie sets up that it does not stumble

across like a toddler alone in a bowling alley. Well, yeah, so he's like, he's like, hey, and by the way, I can pay for my own food this time because I found this morning when I woke up, there was an envelope of $11 under under my door and it's like really will we ever explain where that come from or why he's like nope sure will not. It's like will it ever be important that you have it? He's like nope sure will not. I think he must have blown the undercover cock. It's the only way it makes sense.

So you know what I did sell that crack after we talked last night. And now it's time for the breakfast metaphor. Oh, no. Maybe you've been having a hard time following a lot of the mouth. That's nice. So he has a fun little prank that he said something with the cook. So he's been giving him breakfast and then he brings out on cooked bacon and raw eggs. Oh no. Oh, fuck an A. And I'm just like, just skip to whatever the fucking stupid life lesson is.

I don't want to go through the process of the actor pretending the what more looking is coffee cup. That's not what coffee looks like. Normally coffee is not dust Right and he has to go through each thing each item on the fucking way is just Well, maybe the bacon will be fun. Oh the bacon is Looks like they're still circles Get those in my nose like that.

What do I look like? Arnold Schwarzenegger, come on. And by the way, this prank, Schmorgas board was to prove the point, God's not done yet. Yeah. Yep, you're still being cooked. Also, by the way, he like totally manhandled a bunch of raw food ingredients, like not a good move, you know, I'm only a food poisoning in a minute, like,

like projectile, barf and diarrhea over the thing. Malik guys like, you know, on second thought, I probably should have found a different way to teach that lesson. I probably could at least tell you to wash your hands after you manhand, handle that bacon before you ate. Yeah. And mind blown everybody, because the lesson here, I just, I changed my life, by the way, like for the better after seeing this movie. The lesson is things are sometimes not better until some time or something happens. And then they are God is real. Yeah, because things take time because sometimes

things are bad before they're better than bad. Look, the fact that nothing has ever ended badly in all of history is very fortunate for these Christian apologists, right? And I'd be like, what about the fact that my body used to be good because I was younger and now it fucking sucks because I'm getting older. Oh, that doesn't count. Because millionaires. I don't know if you know, it's not. But over the age of six. But yeah, I'm like, you know, boy, it's almost like this movie was written by somebody who's never heard of survivorship bias. You know, like, I mean, like counter example Malachi. Um, there was a period

of time when my neck didn't hurt all the fucking time. And then my neck hurts all the time. It never ends. And that's just how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Like the doctors like, yeah, you just that's your neck now. If you tried CBD, Melika, that's one study. Come on, Melachi. All right. So Malachi has to walk over to talk to another one of his ghost customers. And he's like, he's like, Hey, do you want to talk to this, um, this Hispanic lady? And he goes like, not really, man, I mean, well, I just said, you're getting ready for whatever this story is going to be. So I'm an undercover, the leader of the cartel and then we came over

here in the tunnel. And I'm just I'm going off like there's this is God I don't do everything else. You know, this is when I invent the game Connect 4 my friend. Have you heard of the chupacabra? And well, to be fair, this woman's story is crazier and dumber. It is. If we take it holistically, it is crazier and dumber. Yeah. And by the way, they couldn't find a single native Spanish speaker for this movie. No. No. In the United States of fucking America.

In Florida. We're told it's in Florida, but they have the scene in Spanish anyways. Yeah. And there's no reason for that. Nope. The only possible reason for that is one, this is the Spanish teacher at the local high school who was like, I want to be able to show this to my students. Or two, they were like, shit, hour and 37 minutes. We really need that extra minute. Hey, we can double every line in the team if they have to translate it through a pale face. Nothing boy. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, so she's, she's Miss Maria and she wants sunny to go visit her family in Orlando. It's very important that she go visit the family and she hands him She's like here's a little note that I have already written my daughter's name and address on In case you know she needs to get laid I guess And the movie is like just in case you didn't already fucking get this we wouldn't want there to be any moment of mystery Just kind of literally write down and tell you what that it's Chewie's mom. Like, yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. That is it's the boxer that he killed in the ring at the beginning. That's his wife's mom, his wife's dad mom. Anyway, yeah, or his dad mom.

Yeah, whatever. Yeah. And I know it's just a tiny moment, but they do that revelation, and then they figure out the time for two minutes. So it's like, yeah, Panchola, you're chewy Panchola's mom. Jace. So like eight, eight, 30, what's good for you? No, we actually get a, we'd be too early.

Well, I think his son has soccer. Oh, okay, all right. You're like 11 is still more than I just went in. Literally, post-pregal. Wait, hold on, what day of the week is it? I mean, I'm in ghost prison. What day? What is it? I'm a ghost. So, okay. So he has to go to Orlando. He takes a cab to this guy's house. Now, I'm sorry, I lived in Orlando for a while. Cause this, so this is amazing to me. He takes a cab. He pulls up at this guy's house and the cab driver says, that'll be $10.

$10. Okay. I looked it up, that will get you 2.87 miles. And dollars. $10. There is no taxi. If you get any taxi and then get out the other door

just to move the four feet, they're like, that'll be $12. That'll be $15. Okay. But this just invited in me a new fan theory. This movie based on the timing Lord's Prayer. This movie was written by a Victorian ghost on a penny. You remember Ghost Rider? They hired like a two old big summoned the wrong ghost. Right? And he was like, nigga, bakas, after we were like, shit, we already summoned the ghost. Will you write us a movie about the modern day based on guesses that you have in that Windows 95 computer? Jesus Christ. This is a great movie if all you have to go off is word art in the computer that you're temporarily possessing as ghost red. But I do have to say it was incredible to discover that daytime exists in the movies universe. You're the first

and only well except for a tiny one we'll get to. First and only depiction of daylight, and I imagine the sun must have sued the pants off them, you know, because they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, like, but Florida, maybe the angle is, I don't know. I'm trying to. So, yeah, so he shows up. Now he's at the, he's at the home of the boxer that he killed. Now apparently, okay, first of all, these people are supposed to be gazillionaires, right? Because he was a gazillionaire And they got all his money. Mm-hmm. They're in a tiny little house and he shows up and he's like

So I hear you're single and have a thing for boxers. No, you know what? No, you know I think I should have thought that let me start again. Let me come back in. I'm gonna come back in I don't know we need Eli to do this. I don't know that I can even be a part of talking about this scene because the wife, the, the widow, the widow, the, the victims, the murder victims family. The wife is a robot. He's actually an android. And if the movie went in that direction, it would have fucking ruled. Okay. went in that direction, it would have fucking ruled. Okay, that does pin in that,

because that is going to explain a hug in about four minutes in the movie. That is, I will say it, the most baffling part of the film. It is, right, right. So, so he goes inside the studio house, but wife says, Gregory, come meet the man that punched your dad to death, right? Yep.

And the kid is psyched. He's like, yeah. Oh, can I get you some lemonade? And he runs out to go like, oh, I get you some cookies and lemonade, thanks for murdering my dad. He's like, you can't imagine how many times I wanted to punch my dad to death. Oh, man. The kid has never been happier.

He's so glad his dad has gone. Oh, he's been over the fucking moon this past six months of not having a dad. And the wife is, dude, the wife is like, I'm so glad to see you. You are, she comes and she's like, you are my favorite person on the earth. I love you.

So can we give him a drink, son? Get him a drink and take our dog. You can have our positions. It's weird, it's fucking weird. It's so weird. Right, but as Thomas has pointed out, while those are the lines, her affectation is like this, we have looked forward to meet you for so long. Like, if the walls had opened and a cult in dark robes were standing there, and they lay him on an altar and cut him open at the end, I'd be like,

Oh, okay. No, here's, that's good. Here was my pitch. Here's my pitch for you guys. I wish people could see. It's almost worth watching the YouTube video of the scene. The way she delivers it, if she was like, son, go kid, I guess, some lemon, because she's a robot. If the sun went in and it's really all in at, because she starts fucking sucking his ditch, she's just like, we are so glad that you killed our husband.

And I am, and you're like, I'm baffled. I'm like, what in the fuck is happening? If the sun was going to load a shotgun and then come back and just kill him, like it's all an act. Right. And then it's a Tarantino movie and it's fucking brilliant. I'm telling you. Right. I thought the same because because at the end of the scene, they blindfold him and drive him away. And I'm like, okay, they're going to take him to a cornfield. All a Hector's family is going gonna be there to beat him to death. Right? That's how it's acted.

And Malachi is standing there with the baseball bat going like, you didn't know he was my brother, did you? You know, or something like that. Yeah, it's like the whole thing was, oh, and then the lady, the lady who got him in the van, that turns out to be like, you know, Hector's ex-girlfriend. They're saying, yeah, right, right. It all makes sense then, but no. The mom is like, I'm not actually a ghost.

I'm dead. Right, exactly. It's the only thing that makes sense of this delivery that is fucking unreal. I can't believe it is, oh my god, it's unreal. We could not possibly express how ridiculous and unhuman these people's reactions are. All right, so she's telling this story. Okay, this story is so good of all the convoluted stupid back stories that we get that it's the best. She comes, she goes, okay, so it turns out you were doing us such a huge favor when you punched my husband to death.

He had leukemia and needed a good punch into death. He not just needed a good punching to death. He planned to punch him. He lied. Yeah. He cheated. He assumed he had leukemia and then tricked you into murdering him.

And mind you, she reads this as though she's like a newscaster on the BBC International. She wrote down a quote during the routine exam with our family doctor, they discovered the high white blood cell count. You're like, what the, are you reporting? Tim, what the, during the routine exam with our family physician, you're like, what the fuck?

It's so weird. It only works if the sun is low in that fucking shotgun. The sun's like, yeah, buy me, buy me a few more seconds, mom. Yeah, keep going with whatever. A lot of detail, a lot of detail, mom. Weird. Meaningless detail, yes. Oh, I'm a kid, I can't get the gun work.

You know, tear and you know what I like the tension of, oh, which way does the show go, oh, fucking, no, keep going, make something. You know, he's giving her the like, keep going. A routine, yeah, the routine. How inspection, how we, keep going. Make something. Yeah, he's given her the like, keep going. Uh, routine. Yeah. Yeah. The leukemia inspection. No, we knew you're wondering. You're probably wondering how he set himself up financially post the leukemia diagnosis.

But okay, but here's the thing though, that's not where the story's going. Where the story's going instead. And please, somebody take me there is that actor upon realizing that he had leukemia and then it was gonna The treatment was gonna bankrupt this family. He was gonna die anyway Realize that he could get more money by getting killed in the ring. Yeah, so he intentionally died from a punch to the Tin how does one do that? Yeah, I really want to be there while he plans this with his doctor Yeah, I really want to be there the ring and get punched to death. I mean, even if you had leukemia, you shouldn't do that, but you don't know.

Oh, I've got leukemia. All right. Hey, Doc, I need you to punch me. I need you to punch me as hard as you can. I'm not going to do that. Look at how open my chin is, though. I'm a doctor curse you to punch me. I need you to punch me as hard as you can. I'm not gonna do that. Look how open my chin is though. I'm a doctor. Curse you leukemia! Okay. Well, but yes, yes, it's gotta be, it nothing makes sense in this entire fucking movie. Unless there's like, like he's, unless he gives him, like he's like, hey man, is there any kind of like ampule you can put in my chin that will replace a untraceable death poison? This is like a punched right here.

Yeah. Did you like tap his skull with a hammer until it had like a few cracks on it? That's good. That's ready. Ready to go. I tried to get a sign at capsule from my dentist, but they don't do those. That's just for me. You know, they give those to the astronauts too.

I'm doing us, I think. And then, and then with the knowledge that he, the plan was for him to murder a man to death all along, he gives this big fucking sloppy ass hugged to this woman. And truly, this woman has either never been hugged before and is unaware of the custom of hugging or two desperately does not want to be hugged by this actor. She's not a human being. She is a robot. I firmly believe she's an android. No, she's not a pleasure model.

And that's why she doesn't know that. And also, by the way, I have to point this out and I'm sure that Thomas noticed this too. They're wearing their microphones. Oh, we're oh, did we get this? Yeah, she hugs him. He's got a like a fucking microphone like on

his shirt or something. I may have mistaken that for the overly ambitious fully guy. Like like I thought it was or it could be like the fully guys like, oh, what's the sound of some fucking fabric rubbing? Yeah. So. All right. So and then so she hugs him.

The kid comes up to hug him as well. The guy who murdered his dad. Yes. Yes. That's the kid. And now they have a surprise to show him. So they drive him somewhere blindfolded. Again, they're not going off to kill him, right?

Like this movie had one last chance to make some amount of. It's so much better. Everyone Malek I was in on it. Everybody was in on it. It's all about just fucking killing this guy. And then she has to rip her face off and be like, I was a fembot. All right. I don't know where her performance a fembot. All right. I don't know what I heard. Performance makes any sense.

All right, so, but yeah, but no, instead he gets out. Of course he's got the fucking blindfold on and he's so damn dumb that he's going to go like, I don't know how I'll see what it is if I have this blindfold on. Are you still there? Yeah. Are you all gone? Meanwhile, the Sun's like the wife's like, get the woodchipper gun. Get her, get her, get her.

I just, it's a boxing gym that we're going to jump into. I'm going to get a fucking pole started. But yeah, but no, instead of that, they've used the prize money, the money that they got from, I guess his purse, to build a gym called Chewies Gym in the middle of nowhere and they want sunny to run the gym. Okay, so wait, is the plot of this movie? Because this is what I have been led to believe as a Christian. The plot of this movie is that a man realizes he has leukemia.

So he sets himself up to die in the ring because he knows that if you punch a leukemia patient in the chin, they die in the ring. The white blood cells. He's definitely many of them. in the ring because he knows that if you punch a leukemia patient in the chin, they die instantly. The white blood cells. He's definitely many of them. Hex the purse from the man they knew accidentally killed their father, husband. Yep. Sues him for all of his money as well.

Not that, I guess. Right, but ends up with all his money anyway. So even if they didn't, they know that they have ill-gotten gains here. And then they use the money they stole from him, slash got from him, to build a gym with a two bedroom apartment above it so that they can hire him at said gym with the money that is his. That's great. Like that, that her husband screwed him out of by committing boxing suicide. Boxing my son, my husband boxing suicide and you out of your purse, but don't worry,

we have turned it into at $12 an hour job where you can work forever. I can't wait for the TV ads for the gym. They're like, do you want to learn to punch a guy so hardy? Come on down to Chewie's gym. His name never the guy I fucking murdered. Kids eat pre-on Thursday. Chewie's gym. I'll punch you straight to heaven. Bring your body back.

Thanks. Oh. And then because this movie just hasn't given us enough stupid, he goes back to the diner. Right. He goes back to the diner to tell Malachi about all the good news about how he was set up to murder that guy. And it turns out that there was never a malachi and there is no night

shift at the diner. Oh, it's so good. It is so good. This actor over does it so much. Yes. Because the guy goes, he goes, I need to speak to Malachi, which of course the reaction is supposed to be like, who? And he goes, I need to speak to Malachi. And the guy goes, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who case you're wondering, we're not open nights. We're never open nights we never have been. And if a black guy was here, I would stab him just to know. So there's never been a black guy here. And there never will be. And look, here's the security camera footage of the last 24 hours.

Malakai hasn't been here. And the only question was I need to speak to Valekai and he goes off for 15 minutes about like covering all the bases. You're all the fingerprints of everyone who's touched my diner for the last three years. And then after that's all over, he gets to the car. The person who's driving the car he turns to when he goes, I don't know, this asshole thought that some kind of angel diner was open after two PM with a fuck's wrong with the idiot.

I love it, dude. They left this in the guy, this old man. He's my favorite. Oh, he's the best because he's like, he's like, you say he tries to improvise more things. Tell you, he's like, could you be thinking of the city diner? Maybe it's the city diner. It's a few blocks down and then he starts trying to improvise, giving him direction. And he says, you go down to blocks in the city and he like runs out of ideas. And then you're there.

He does it say like, oh, turn right on that, you know, main street and go down. He's like, it's maybe the city down. It could be the city down. There's a way to go down two blocks. And this, oh, thank God, yeah, I can't stop talking. Oh, so okay, so now we get him leaving the shelter for his new apartment. And then the fucking van lady shows up, right? He's about to walk out and the van lady shows up to pick him up.

And it's like, but you're a ghost, aren't you? How you have to be a ghost? No, she's not. She didn't go in the diner. Remember? But then the football guy has to be a ghost, but he's not. Yeah, it doesn't. And then, and then he does not ask about Malachi. No, he gets in the van. He's like, yeah, I'm headed to Orlando.

And he's not like, hey, um, remember the Malachi exists. Right. You drove me to that diner. You're aware of it. We talked about it quite a bit. And she's like, I will drive you to Orlando. I guess I don't know. Yeah.

I will drive you to Orlando. This woman shows up at this corner every night waiting for someone to wander up and she's like hello would you like a ride to literally wherever you're going yeah no sorry he told us that she has full custody of her kids and is the prime caregiver of them but she can just you know drive a guy to Orlando at midnight I guess why not why would you not do that. And then so it was so we watch him write God in his thankfulness book. And he has the handwriting of a nine year old. He's fucking hilarious. He takes like three tries for him to get a G. Oh, he's holding it in his fist. Yeah. And then

and then they drive by the diner. Justice Malachi brings in Peter the the undercover cop with the needlessly complex backstory Yep, so and and I'm sorry I have to add this Chewy the man who faked his own death is now the bus boy at the diner What really? Yeah, I missed that. I missed that. You think that it. No. Wow. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, that's going to do a far review of God. Where are you, Thomas?

I can't thank you enough for hanging out with us. Just real quick. Could you remind our listeners where they can go to hear some more from you? Oh, go listen to opening arguments. Oh, by the way, actually, this week week on series inquiries only part of a trans visibility day, we broke down this awful transphobic book called The End of Gender by Dr. Deborah So that is, it is, it's so harmful. It's so shitty. And Dr. Lindsay Astrum and I have on, no, she, she broke down the science and it is really valuable. I just would encourage people to go with them to that.

Actually, Thomas, if half of what if I, if I exactly find out if half of this true, right, right? Awesome. Awesome. Well, the glad to hear you guys do that. I'll have that episode linked on the show, not so long with, of course, links to your other shows. And while that's going to do it for the review, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to condemn ourselves to more of this. So Eli, tell us what's on deck in the gritty true life film that promises to tell the real story behind Roe versus Wade when it premiered when it premiered at CPAC. Oh, I'll be watching you Roe versus Wade. Oh, fuck you so fuckily. Oh. All right, so with that, we look forward to

we're gonna bring episode 294 to one. First of all, close once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon. Don't just help me show, go if you're like kind of yourself among the ranks. You can make a prepsidotation at patreon.com. So I've got off one there by your annoying access to an ad free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by legal five star review wherever they let you do that. And you can help by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating idea, the citation deed of thecepticrate and D&D minus available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email gotoffemoozichemail.com, legal services for this podcast provided by the law, if this is a P.N. retours.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot and we will drop some bars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick. I'm No Usus, promise to work harder on the chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. God found out that Chewie manipulated a poor aging boxer into thinking he killed him to death and sent Chewie straight to hell. Good.

Good. That homeless ex-cops training eventually took over and he shot Malacog. Eli punched a guy to death on the off chance it would lead him to a new podcasting gig and a freestorm LLC Copyright 2021, all rights reserved.