God Awful Movies - 296: Lazer Us

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Lazer Us, a movie so baffling we don't so much describe it as interpret it. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Underwear that would protect you from fire and only that part of your body. Right. Right. You're in a lake of fire and you're like just crotch area is protected by Christ. So basically hell is just a bunch of chart corpses. Charted crotchets. Chardin crotchets. No. I would have found a way to make that work though, right? I'm boiling in a lake of fire and I'm turning on the demon.

My dick feels great. My dick, whatever you're doing, all the other areas. My dick feels awesome. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who is neglecting me for his child, Eli Bosnick, Eli, as your child doing. How are you? It's just a lot less upsetting when he shits his pants. Heath, you can understand that, right?

You can understand. I cannot. And we also have seasoned veteran maskists and skinbook enthusiast, Cara Sant Maria. Cara, thanks for joining us. All right. Well, that was a good answer to the question about to ask. We're joining us. All right. Well, that was a good answer to the question about to ask. But maybe you could elaborate a little bit more.

Kara, what are we going to be breaking down today? Honestly, I have no fucking idea what you guys just made me watch. Apparently, it's called laser us, which I guess is a take on Lazarus word, word play. As they say, one so so good and then never reference again Bible thing. Yeah, but really it was just like a super weird fever dream that gave me bad nightmares It was kind of like if David Lynch had a stroke and then he found Jesus and then he had another stroke And then he was given a fancy camera and told hey David Lynch go make a movie But you can only use the people that are in this grocery store right now.

So I'm hoping that we can try a new thing today where you guys just explain to me what I just watched and I just go, Oh, over. Well, Eli, you feeling good about that? That's what I'm going to be. I'm not. You'll be explaining to both of us. Well, all explain together simultaneously. Okay, let's see how it goes.

First, Eli, tell us how bad was this, whatever just happened. Well, if you loved Scott Pilgrim versus the world, but you wish incessed foot fetishes played a bigger part and each page of the script was burned after a single viewing. You will love this movie. It's a pilgrim's progress versus the world of cinema. That is a deep cut. That's a deep cut pilgrim Scott pilgrim pilgrim progress. So movie we did anyway. Is there anything you all like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at. Um, all nominated for being the best worst bastardization of Johnny Cash because here's the thing. I love, I love Johnny Cash.

How they going to do him like that? It's master and Amy Winehouse and they quote a bunch of people mad every time. I almost went with best worse quoting people who would beat me up and take my lunch money. Yeah. Amy Winehouse would beat the shit out of you and take your lunch money. Absolutely. I was going to say best worst.

I have no idea what happened. So I genuinely don't know so many. I'm looking through. We take little notes so many times. We're just like, what? What the fuck is happening? That's like control. That's like half the script. It truly is.

And of course, I'm going to go with best worst origin story. So when you check out the WordPress website made for this movie, the inspiration behind this nonsense is that the writer, slash director of this film, used to manage Christian bands you never fucking heard of. And then one night he had a dream that one of the musicians and one of those bands played music with Johnny Cash. What? I know I invented the rule that you're not allowed to tell your dreams to people that you're not fucking. This movie is pretty sure I can go fuck myself. So I don't know how that adds into the mathematics.

But yeah. Do we have to have sex with this Canadian guy who made the movie? It anything would be better than watching this movie. I'm in. Okay, okay, yeah, agree. Well, I think we all need to take a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about laser,

uh, slasers, laser us. We're play. Shakespeare. Ow, ow, heath, you've got a breathe. You've got so much tension. You've got a breathe. Oh, Jesus, what are you guys doing in my kitchen? Oh, hey, Cara.

Yeah, sorry. I was given heath of massage and no one won't let me do it at our house because I use too much oil. Uh, it's a lot, like a lot. Yeah, I can see that. and heat the massage, and no one won't let me do it at our house because I use too much oil. It's a lot, like a lot. Yeah, I can see that. Don't worry, little industry secret massage oil, olive oil, same thing. Just put it in a different bottle and charge you more.

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Thank you. Well, look who's a massage geologist all of the sudden. Yeah, I think it's massage therapist. And guys, if you're dealing with muscle tension, why don't you just try a TheraGun? Oh, what's TheraGun? TheraGun's a handheld percussive therapy device

that releases your deepest muscle tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth, speed, and power. And it's as quiet as an electric toothbrush. Ooh, that sounds great. Elias massage technique is anything but scientific. Yeah, I mostly draw inspiration from old wrestling videos. So tight.

So yeah, whether you want to treat your muscle tension from working out and injury or just the stresses of everyday life, there's no substitute for the Theragun Gen 4. The OLED screen and design make you feel like you're holding something from the future. Just go to their site and check it out. And the Theragun app learns from your behaviors and suggests guided routines. Yeah, they actually sent us one to try it. I use it all the time for like tension headaches, sore muscles. It genuinely feels great. All right, Cara, we are sold. How do we try it out? Try Theragun for 30 days, starting at only $199. Go to Theragun.com slash awful right now and get your gen fourth, Theragun today at Theragun.com slash awful right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today.

That's Theragun.com slash awful Theragun.com slash awful. Sounds good. Sorry about your kitchen. You want to help cleaning this up? No, I think I'm just going to move. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah, smart. That stain is not coming out. I mean, we could steal his debit card. I don't know the pen. Do you know the pen to his debit card? No.

There they are. I'm the beautiful, beautiful babies. Kids, how you doing? How you doing? Oh, hi, hi dad. Hey, question. I know you know what you're going to ask. I'm just going to say, you won to be in daddy's movie. And yes,

this is yes. You love he like his yes, you've been moving. You're making a movie. I sure am. So you remember what you're doing in mandates, beaten? No, no, you know, you played it locally in the Niagara region from nice 6669. Yeah, you've mentioned that several times. Yeah, I'm sorry, I've had to. Okay, fine, man. You know how I managed the level heads? Again, no. No.

Seriously, come on. This is Canadian Grammy award-winning musician Jim Schvalley, who's in the band. It's a Canadian Grammy winner. It's a Canadian Grammy winner. It's a Canadian Grammy. And what category is it? It's a smare. I'm making that Scott Pilgrim movie about it. Sorry, Dad, you're making a Scott Pilgrim movie, which by the way,

came out four years ago. About the about the Canadian bands you manage. Yes, yes. Also, your mom's gonna be my daughter. And I'm gonna take off her shoes like super slow. Oh God, I think I might throw up. Yeah, Dad, I do not want to be in this movie. Like, so I'm gonna do the shoes so much. What's up?

Okay, if you don't want to be in my awesome movie, that everyone is still love. Uh, what do you want then? Why, why are you here? We just wanted to know your pen number. Oh, okay, so I have one one, one one. Got it, thanks. Okay, are you guys all right, Tom?

No, we got it, we're good. We're good. I need to write down. You got to tattoo. And we're back. And we're going to open up with an inspirational quote. It says, for all the dreamers who gave it their best shot and failed. Which may be so happy.

Yeah, it's rough. I love it when a movie starts with some self-awareness, but it might have been by accident either way. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, that's the new tagline for our podcast. The dreamers who gave it their best shot and failed. That was absolutely not self-awareness. That was like the guy who wears the anti-antifa shirt

to the red shirt. And like that's what that was right there. You know that just means fah for an actress, right buddy? Those anti-scancel. Yeah. And this is where we're going to introduce the 27 club, a statistically irrelevant myth, that all great musicians die at 27, which is why all the actors in this movie will be 48 years old.

Oh, it is kind of weird how like, I guess we'll get there, but he's supposed to be young still and all of his bandmates are supposed to be old, but they all kind of look the same age to me. Definitely. They all just look old. I don't understand the timeline of anything that happened. But I'm going to have a lot of questions. Okay.

All right. I feel like I get the gist of this movie, like just the gist. Yep, yeah. I think I think this movie just gets the gist. I think this movie's hoping that everybody gets nothing more than a small gist, yeah. Well, and I think what they actually did, and I think this will start to make sense, like bear with me, the editor was like, okay, we have 37 minutes of decent footage. Do that. But we need to make an hour and a half film. So we're just gonna go slow it down sometimes, freeze frame, put up an interstitial, maybe we'll do like a thing where it goes, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, and bigger margins. Yeah, there's a lot of that. Yeah, bigger margins, triple space.

That's, this is a triple space movie. Yeah, it's like someone did a mean roast in movie form of Edgar Wright. And someone's like, Oh, look at me, I have comic book titles before mine scenes. That's you, that's you Edgar Wright, that's what you're like. And that's the thing.

They use comic book like style, but not just comic book style. They use like 15 different styles and blend them all together. But like for no reason, because nobody in this movie is a superhero. No, nothing about this is comic-esque. No, the older gentleman who you should absolutely Google who wrote, slash directed this movie, saw Scott Pilgrim when it came out four years before he made this. And he was like, I'm gonna do that with the moving and the titles.

Clearly. That makes so much sense, Eli. That's the whole movie now. We don't even have to do the rest of the episode. Yeah, we've nailed it. So now we're gonna head over to Niagara Falls, Canada, prologue the deal. Yeah.

So we're getting the classic, like, the devil doing the deal with the musician, giving him the demon guitar. So he becomes a star in exchange for his soul, right? Like that part, I think I get. That's like the entire plot that I understand. Do I have that right?

That's what's happening here. I think so. His idea is that this guy wants to be famous. Like that's the whole thing. Like I guess it's like a gluttony or greed or something. So he's, you know, he's committing some deadly sin. He wants to be famous. Pride, maybe sure. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, okay, you can be famous if you use this guitar. And now I have your soul. No, I have your first born. Yeah.

Is it soul and first born or both? No, I think it's just your first born. Yeah. He's just going for first born here. Also, Satan didn't learn English for this meeting. No. Or bothered to clear his throat or the rest of the movie. To be clear, I'm pretty sure Satan is a woman in this. Sometimes a woman, sometimes a guy. I believe the actor is female who plays Satan yesterday. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this movie is also sexist. Which is progressive? I thought it was progressive. No, it's not progressive. It's not progressive. No, of course, it's not. It's not progressive. No, the course of course. No, the bad, the the horrible deal with the devil. Like, isn't that already the trope that that's what women do to men so. Oh, yeah. Okay, you know what? Making the woman literally Satan

is less progressive than I thought. Now that I hear it. Yes. This is a good point. Only little Nos comes over and snaps her neck. Then it's progressive best. It's the best. Then it's next level. I did enjoy that the demon doesn't ever make any, like we don't understand. It's just like whispery weird demon talk. Yeah, sometimes it's translated. Sometimes we get it. Sps, talk demon, duck guitar,

Sclek and bread. No, no, no. And then the demon's like, sorry, got a call. And it's just, welcome to the guitar center. I'm Dave, like I wanted it to like be at a guitar center. Cause I feel like it might have been.

That's got to happen, right? In these scenarios. I feel like they might have been it against our center. It was just like the guitar center in Canada, that like in the corner of some small town in Canada that nobody shops at. And so it's like this pasty employee wearing a cloak because the sun is too bright.

She's like, you come into the the guitars. Sorry, that's Michelle. She has a thing. If you could just buy your guitar from her, she really does know her way around a guitar. I swear, once you get past her dropping mysterious blue pebbles at the end of every sale, she's really quite nice. Okay. What is the deal with the blue pebbles? Thank you. That is a great question. My answer, fan theory, and I think it will play out, every time the devil gets excited in this movie, she shits blue pebbles. She shits a little bit of blue pebbles. That's, that's not a theory, that's exactly what happened.

Oh, they were, we didn't want her shit to them. I theorized the shitting, don't you? Because the devil's so excited. Okay, pebbles. Well, why are they blue? Throughout the movie, it's just like and also devil pebbles for no reason. That is true. Why are they blue? Abu Diba, Abu Dai. That's all the paint that they had. Remember they were in the grocery store. That's right. Oh, we haven't gotten to that yet. No, we have Right. Oh, we haven't gotten to that yet. No, we haven't. Yeah. Okay. So now we cut over to Jimmy laser. That's our protagonist who's just sold his first born

to the devil for a guitar, being interviewed about why he wants to be famous. And it's, it's a VH one behind the music for a guy we will later learn disappeared and didn't get famous. Oh, yeah, they make that video. But he wasn't gonna get famous. He was gonna get gospel famous in the Toronto gospel scene. Yes. That's it. That's like selling your soul to be a podcaster.

There's no, you got to, you got to aim higher, Jimmy. You got to aim higher. There's also during this scene, he has like a little sticker. And I mean little sticker on his guitar case that says famous. And the interviewer is like, how come your guitarist's case says famous? And he says, because I want to be famous. And that's it. Yeah, that's the exposition.

That's all we need to know about this character for the rest of the movie. They do periodically show him just walking down the street with his empty guitar case, which we will understand why, sort of, maybe not. Do we understand that? With that sticker famous on it over and over. Like, it's the most obvious garb. I just hate this movie so much, you guys. It's not even almost famous, the movie.

No. Almost, almost famous. Almost famous is a good movie. This is not. Then we cut over to some of their ravenous fan. This is just like one teenager who the maker of this movie paid to be like, they are very good at music. I like them.

Oh, yeah. You're right. You're right. Oh, my God. You know what I love the most? Hate the most. love hate the most. They never actually play any Jimmy laser music. No, they do that.

No, we have no idea what his music sounded like. None, they set up a whole movie to give us a big thing at the end and it's just like end of movie. We didn't record any music. They show footage of him playing, but it's always against some sort of other weird backdrop. So you never hear what he's playing. It's so crazy.

So now we're gonna cut to 27 years after the disappearance of Jimmy Laneser. And at this point, I'm fully confused. I'm more confused. Every new scene, I get more confused, but I think I'm getting it. I think I'm getting it. So the idea here is that this guy sells his soul to the devil.

No, his firstborn. Yeah. But he says he doesn't have a firstborn. So he had jokes on you, devil. And then he wants to be famous in Canada for gospel music. And then he disappears at 27. No. And then he disappears.

Does he disappear at 27? And then it's another 27 years later? Yes, and yes. I think so. Mm-hmm. And so he's 53. So we will make her learn. I'll make this less confusing.

We will later learn that he hasn't aged because of the devil magic. So yeah. So I think we learned that like in five minutes. Oh, well then yeah. He's 53. There's like two or three things about this movie that they're like will make very clear. And then everything else will be like what just happened? Okay, so he's 53, but later when we meet his bandmates, they're clearly not 53. Are they? Yeah, it's unclear. They're like 42.

They're Canadian 53. Yeah. And then his daughter who will meet also who's supposed to be young is clearly 45. Spoilers. Everything about this is really weird. Okay, so whatever. Yeah, so he does have a first born by the way.

Spoiler alert. Find out right away and then ignore it. Like he makes the deal with the devil and then he's like, huh, I don't even have a first born in the devil. I was like, yeah, you do. Yeah, and then we just don't hear about it for a while. He's like, shh, next. No, that's for the end of the movie, devil.

You're ruining it. And the devil's like, so bad salaga salala. The devil does speak in tongues a lot. Yeah, a lot of made up devils. So this is where we're going to meet Jimmy's old manager who had a vision that Jimmy played music with Johnny Cash. The only reason I point that out is not because it will be relevant to the movie, but because that's why the movie got made, if you remember my best worst, the writer director of this

movie was like, the guy I managed, I had that dream. I should make a whole movie about it. And his manager is an African American gentleman, although I guess African Canadian, because this is set in Canada, is black guy. And his manager is a black guy who has the power to bring people back to life. If you're wondering if that'll ever come up in the movie, no, no, it will not. It will never be. They say that.

They're different. What? Yeah, it's the power to raise the dead. Well, I mean, Lazarus, laser us, right? That's the story of a guy getting raised from the dead by Jesus that never gets tied into this movie. And never happens. We do only learn about the Lazarus connection later

in the movie and I have to admit This is my density that I am like what is laser us the whole time I was like wow we're new name for a band care was sitting at home being like it's what why not laser we are we are I know we are let I was so confused laser Like what is that there's no lasers either though. They don't do either thing. You're right. It's spelled with a Z and everything and then there's no lasers. But when they said that the manager could raise people from the dead, I was like, that seems like a weird line of work. And then I, I remembered, you know, Hendrix, Lenin, Mama Cass. Actually, that'd be damn handy power as a bad manager.

Now that I think about it, yeah, that'd be like one very useful thing. So now it's time for chapter one freedom. However, the person who made this movie doesn't know that the abbreviation of chapter is CH period. So it appears on our screen as CHAP period one freedom. Oh, yeah, why are there chapters? Great question. And There's a lot of them. They're trying to do a graphic novel movie. That's, I don't know. Wait, so it's a comic book graphic novel slash what dream a band manager from Canada once and. Yes, it's a dream. Okay. So we're now into chapter one, even though we've already watched like 10 minutes of this movie. What? Yeah, so preacher pulls up. Yeah, there was no epilogue title card. Was there? Oh, no, there was a prologue title card. Yes, there were. Okay, we just finished the prologue. Here we are.

And the beginning, the beginning of the movie mind you had a lot of reading. It was a little reading. It was a little irritating for me. Not a reading and a montage is how we started out. Yeah, yeah. So preacher pulls up. This is the manager pulls up in his mom van, which by the way, this movie will never acknowledge is not like a 67, El Dorado or something. They just drive around in this fucking minivan mom van, the entire movie and no one at any point is like, is there a car seat back here. But he pulls up to a town. Well, he pulls up to some devil pebbles, right? He does, but first, doesn't he change out of his preacher collar into his ballerotie?

Yeah, it does. It's very important. He's taken off my preaching collar and putting on my Buffalo Wild Wings attire. He's kind of great. I actually kind of like freedom. I think he's my favorite character. Yeah, yeah, definitely the strongest. And Jimmy is smoking a cigarette.

Well, he's not smoking. He never smokes. He's fondling a cigarette. He never smokes. And the whole the whole movie, he's about to smoke his last cigarette for some reason. This is a theme they reference at 400 times for no fucking reason and it makes me crazy. Yeah, it's it's Chekhov's gun that never gets fired loaded or even acknowledged. Yeah, I'm like you're giving it too much credit.

So yeah, he finds Jimmy laser in an old horse trailer and he's like, hey, do you want to go do a movie? And he's like, yeah, we can Jimmy laser in an old horse trailer and he's like, hey, do you want to go do a movie? And he's like, yeah, we can go do a movie. Which brings us to chapter two, the dream. Well, you miss the most important part of the freedom chapter. The Bob Dylan reference. Of course.

Thank you, he. Yes. Okay. So at this point, the movie tells us, by the way, everybody, in 1979, Bob Dylan became a born again Christian. And yeah, he did, he did. But just a reminder, everybody hated his shitty gospel music at that point. Eventually, he came to his senses and made an album called literally Time Out of Mind,

in like 97, that won a bunch of Grammys and was like, oh, Bob Dylan's back to making real fucking music. Thank God. And then de-converted from born again Christianity, he was born again Christian for three years. He stopped. I would not be like, oh, yeah, you know who listens to our podcast? Tim Stevenson from Bayo, no, hi, oh, I mean, then he tried to kill us after three years. He hates our show now, but I'm telling those three years. He loves it. He loves it. And they also said right after

Jimmy laser did the same thing and nobody knows. Yeah. That's fucking so happy. It's your movie. Why would you put in Jimmy laser did the same thing, but nobody gives a fuck about me. Why would you put in Jimmy laser did the same thing but nobody gives a fuck about me? This is this is the writer director of this movie story and he will constantly be like when I die I'll be buried in a month mark grave and no one will mourn me all right Except to the fucking dream is that Jimmy laser or is that Johnny Oh, this is just a male that's my announcer voice for the whole movie because it's the one they used. Okay.

Cause it sounds a lot like your Johnny. There's a lot of Johnny Cash in there. Yes. I injected Miffin Fedamines into my penis and tried to write a whole book about it. There's only so many voices they run together eventually. June cut it out. Reese Witherspoon was prettier than my wife is. All right. Now we're on chapter two. I could do an entire podcast just shitting on June cast.

I just want to throw that out there right now. Clearly. A lot of people in atheism are giving themselves canceled for good reason. That's my line as the sand is shitting on June cast. All right. Chapter two, the dream, which begins with the quote, it's better to burn out than fade away, which again, he's so sad considering that this movie is about a man who never was and never will be famous. Yeah.

Don't quote Kurt Cobain or high fidelity. I was furious about this. Every time they made a quote, I was mad. So this is where Freedom points out that he hasn't aged in 30 years. Although that's clear from earlier, but yeah. I can see with my eyes. There's also, there's this tiny moment in the scene, but I love it so much. Freedom, he's trying to have a heart to heart with Jimmy.

And he tries to hike his leg up in that like, we're buddies thing, but the straw in the set is too high. So his leg is like, he's doing like a full standing split for a second. And he puts his leg down like, ow, ow too high. You want it shorter? Ow. Anyways, this movie is about going to an old rock club called the moose. And he's like, okay. Yeah, that's like we're going to go to the moose for reasons. We'll get to that. Yeah, everything is for reasons. They never tell us why. But also there's something in this scene about baby gibberish.

And I remember it distinctly, but I don't remember the contact. Like, why are they, you, they use the word baby gibberish? They do. Yeah, in the dream that freedom had. Okay. Johnny Cash was talking in baby gibberish to a baby. Also, there were blue pebbles end of explanation. That's what I got. That is. That's all they give us. Yeah. That's all there is. There's nothing. We can dig

and dig. There's nothing underneath. No way Eli. So you're good at this. Come on. You're like our only hope. So you call. so here's where this goes. Are you ready? Yes. He has a baby. A fact we already know from the beginning of the movie. Oh, right. Cause the devil told us, right. That's supposed to be a hint that later on in the movie, that guy will have a baby. Wait, Johnny Cash speaking in baby gibberish in freedom's dream is supposed to be a hint that Jimmy laser has a baby. Yep. Just wanted to be clear. This is the journal listed me. I'm just going to restate what you told me to enjoy that I understand again. Goo goo. I inject and met him into my penis. If you make a deal with the devil after

your firstborn child is born for your firstborn child, that baby then learns to speak devil gibberish. Ah, see, I can understand it. I need a confusion here. So here's a part of the plot that I really only got in my second viewing. You watch this piece of shit, why? I watched it twice. Absolutely.

Because my wife is away for her birthday weekend and my child was asleep and I was like, well, it's four in the morning. I might as well just stare into the middle distance with the movie in front of me. What is wrong with you? What the devil is doing is the devil is coming for his first born child on his first born child's 27th birthday. That's why it keeps telling us about the 27th club and it's 27 years later and he was 27 when he made the deal with the

devil. Yeah, it was before the child was born, right? No, it's exactly it must be by the nature of the timeline of this movie. It must be the exact second is child. But he doesn't know. Yeah. So his kid was born and then he went to guitar center that day, exactly that day. He must wait. But do we know that he knows that the child was born because it seems like when he says I don't have a first born, he believes himself. If he does, then the scene flashback we see later of him kissing the child and leaving his family is very strange. Right, but the baby is a baby, not a newborn.

Right, but that's movie though. Cause movies will put like a nine year old out there and be like, this child was just born. You're right. Just put some grace shit on it. Right, exactly. They just sticky it up and they're like, there it is, newborn baby.

Yeah, okay. So basically he knowingly accepted the deal with the devil or even crazier, he thought the devil was not aware that he had a child and the devil was like, yeah. Seriously? You think I don't know that? Yeah, you have a kid and he's like, oh, but a hitter driver's license under my wallet

and it's like, no, I know where it is. Yeah, this is the weird Christy inconsistency that I cannot deal with. Okay, so he believes that the devil has the magical guitar powers, but not magical baby knowledge powers. It's like when my dad tells me that he's worried that I'm going to hell,

and I'm like, dad, again, I don't believe in God. You know, and he's like, he's like, no, but you made a deal with Satan. And I'm like, again, there's no Satan I ever. When are you going to get this? I can't just have the one without the other. They all go together in the magical spell. Carol, we are so grateful to have you on our podcast.

But if you made a deal with the devil and you ended up on our podcast, you got a bad bargain. You have sent your dad an episode. This will really help him. He'll be like, honey, I'll listen to that episode. You were on, there's no way you made a deal with it. One of the minor demons maybe, like an assistant to the regional manager.

One of the demons. Well, Eli, I did get three mini off brand Emmys. That's true. That's true. What do you think? I just want to be locally famous in my in my my general market. Come on All right, so yeah, they decide that the plot of the movie is for them to get the band back together and go to the moose to try to play one last Concert I think the way the band is only two people. The band is only

two. We will learn that the band is only two people. It's eventually three people. It's going to be two right now. This is where the van gets stolen for no reason, right? I truly believe it is because some mom needed to go pick up the kids from soccer practice and she was like, you know what Dwayne? I said you can have it for the afternoon and it's five o'clock. So she drives off in the afternoon. And it's five o'clock. So she drives off in the van. And you filmed it. Yeah.

Yeah, which is where they're going to go to the house where dreams come true. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They get the van back though, don't they? They do. They will. Yes, they will later have the van.

But they never explain how. Well, this, I think this is the plan. Their plan, the van gets told and their plan is like okay you know what that was probably demons who stole the van we should we should walk to the demon house that I know about I know some local demons they probably took the van we're gonna walk to their house and get the van back exactly right they go to a demon air be and Airbnb to get their van back, which to be fair, that is where their van will be. So it's a good plan. So they pull up outside the demon house, they notice their van and they do rock paper scissors.

I'm going to go inside worst part of the whole. I was the best part of the movie. So Jimmy throws rock and his manager throws paper and his manager is like paper. I went and he goes, this isn't rock. It's rock and roll and I wrote my notes. I'll never have a suicidal thought ever again. As long as this actor and these writers want to be here, I have to let myself be here too. No, it's a pure existential trend. He does the horns, like he turns the fist for rock into like, you know, you put those

two figures up now, it's the horns like rock and roll horns thing. Yep. That wouldn't beat, that still doesn't beat whatever. Devil horns, people. How does it skewers it? Do the rock always beats paper because that's stupid to begin with, but now it doesn't, it didn't change. Just take it seriously.

It's a serious game. If take it seriously. Geath, do you know why rock beats paper? Rock clearly beats paper. Shreds. Oh my god. That's where we should end up. You worked in a squint in a narrow and now happy about it.

Okay. That is the whole movie by the way. D-d-d- much more hard rock. So that means it's time for chapter three, or as this movie will put it, chapter three, Z is for smoothie. Do we have to do all the chapters, Evelyn? Do we have to do this movie? There's so many chapters. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats.

There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats.

There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats.

There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so many chats. There's so but those are there. Yep. Yep. And this is where we meet woman standing in the basement. Just standing there in the dark and she needs some help and she's wearing fancy red shoes. So Jimmy helps. Yeah, what? Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry sorry. I must I must lay out this foot fetishism that got stuck into this movie What is this this woman who is supposed to be like the femme fatale is like I can't take off my shoes They're cursed. Well, you take off your shoes for me, and he's like he's like yeah I think I'll just take off their own shoes are we What's happening they're cursed so people just take off their own shoes. Are we flirting right now? What's happening? They're cursed. So Jimmy Laser takes off the circle scarf he's wearing and then uses it to slowly and

pornishly remove her shoes. I wrote in my notes, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. This must be from my many vids. I'm so sorry. I'll find a Christian movie for us to watch. Yeah, it does. It gets a little freaky and it's a little it's got that star wars vibe because she's this daughter. Oh, it does. Yeah. Do we know? Spoiler alert. Yeah. This is his daughter. Yeah. Don't worry. The movie won't stop that from them treating each other as love interests until 10 minutes before the end when they reveal that it's his daughter.

And they're supposed to be, as you explained to us earlier, Eli. They're supposed to both be 27, but they're both clearly 45. Right. Exactly. And not sexy. Neither of them is sexy. And also they do nothing to induce sexiness. Other than the red shoes, she's literally wearing a puffer vest. Yes. It's like, it's like Canadian sexy, sorry, my Canadian friends. What are they doing?

All our Canadian listeners are like, I don't know what you're talking about. You said puffer vest and I need to sit down. No, no, wind him. And eventually she's like, I'm smoothie. Her name is Z, like smoothie with a Z. Z, Muthy. It will make sense. Why is that her name?

Matter, I have no idea. Is there a Christy reference to that? No, I wish. Oh, you know what it might be? Okay, hit me. So, eat that right. So laser us is like Lazarus. So the Z is like an S in laser, but they made it a Z.

So smoothie, they made the S's Z. But who's named smoothie? Who's named smoothie? Smoothie is a Bible. I have no idea. No, never. Nobody's gonna be Zali or Samantha. Smoothie is the apostle they cut in the later versions of the Bible, but he makes like,

he's just there making shakes for everybody. He's really great. He's super into beach body. He wants to be a personal trainer, but he doesn't quite have it in him. It's confusing enough that don't they have to clarify in the movie. She's like, I'm the movie and he's like, you're what now? And she's like, yeah, it's like smoothie with a Z and he's like, what? Later in the movie, freedom will be like, that's a stupid name.

Is it going to matter to the movie? And she'll be like, nah, not really. And wait, wait, wait, question, which I think is important. Who is Jonathan Maryweather? That is Jimmy laser's real name. Jonah Maryweather is, yeah, maybe his real name, not Jimmy laser. Oh, so she's like, I'm looking for my father, Jonah Maryweather. Yes, which is his real name, not Jimmy laser. Oh, so she's like, I'm looking for my father, Jonah Maryweather. Yes, which is his real name. And he's like, that's weird.

Your name is Zmoovy, that's also weird. I don't recognize you at all, even though I'm your father. Yep, I gotta be honest, I think I might have had a kid and then gone right to a guitar center, but I'm not sure. That was a weird day. And also, I wasn't involved in naming her and also I don't know my own birth theme

Apparently, but just as they're about to make it out they run into the guitar hunter Okay This scene is I think amazing is this a good movie after this scene this scene is no as good It's as bad as a good scene can be. It's a guitar battle attached to electric murder machines to death and it still manages to suck. It's a guitar hero scene, right? Yeah, it's a guitar hero scene and it's trying to be grind house, but they didn't have the equipment to actually make any of the music. Yeah. So instead, they just play weird, like, found sounds from the internet over the whole scene.

So sad. So we watch them, like, playing horse with a guitar, basically, because they're doing it. That's exactly right. I was just about to say it is horse with guitar. Death horse with guitar. This is it. So the devil and his team of like leather demon cowboys are

They're doing some sort of guitar hero contest with Jimmy laser and like two other just random dudes who are also Guitar players who have to like correct try to play the thing just right or else they get shocked by the Giant electrocution machine that's attached to the guitar they're holding and they're in a pool of water. And none of the actors in this scene can play the guitar. Yeah, exactly. They're just like, they're just going, be-le-be-le-be-le-be-le-be-le-le-le-le-le-le. They're just gently patting their hands up and down a guitar as whatever they fucking found on stock footage.org

is like, it better down, down, down. They might as well have a grand piano playing over the sound over these hands moving vaguely in guitar directions. This is also where we meet the vicious virtuoso who the subtitle is amazing. This is amazing. 75% human, 25% Android and 5% demon. Well, no, they got the, they added to 100 correctly to give them credit. They was 70% human, 25% Android, 5% demon. Still weird though. Like, how did they decide on dividing that up? Satan was like, okay, we're going

to do a guitar hero test occasionally on guitar. We deal with a lot of guitar players. That's pretty much how we get everybody's at guitar center. We're going to need a virtuoso who is mostly human, but partially Android partially demon. The Android part is the part that I really am not understanding here. Well, and that's the thing, right? If you're picturing a 70% human, 25% Android, 5% demon, and you're not picturing a skinny guy at the back of a nightclub who you don't want to stand too close to or leave your drink unattended around, that's all the vicious virtue. So he will have nothing Android like about him. Oh, it's Frank Zappa. We're watching Frank Zappa.

That's, that's who this guy is for sure. It's supposed to be his ghost. He's a guy in a safari hat with like a weird ear. And that's it. And he looks like demon ask. I'll give him that. But he doesn't have a bionic arm or anything. Nope. No, he does not. Yeah, where was the engine? He just had like alerts. I don't know. That's nothing about this movie is like future set. I hope that maybe that he's just really customizable. No, he runs on a Linux based system.

So you can do all sorts of cool stuff with Steve. That's what the Android comes from. I can see why you'd be confused. Really, he's got the human and the demon and the guitar thing. But yeah, he can get messages and stuff. I think that they literally think that if they just use like comic book layers and like put up some comic book looking text that now it's also a post apocalyptic, like future dystopian film, but that's a different genre.

That is very true. You can't just like say shit like that and it becomes true in this world. Cara going, that's a different genre is the best way to sum up this fucking movie. Because every three minutes they are on a different genre. We just went from many vids to a guitar battle. And then Satan shows up in the middle of the guitar battle and forced jokes Jimmy a little bit because, and again, this is so fucking stupid, but I promise you, and this is the plot of the movie. Jimmy traded his first porn for a magic guitar that would make him famous so he could be

a famous gospel performer in Toronto. And then instead of using it, took it apart and hid the pieces. Right. And so now Satan's like, well, go, go put my guitar back together. That's bullshit. I've got to say that is the plot of the movie. Wait, wait, but why? You're so right, Eli.

That's the whole plot. Like did something bad happen with the guitar? And that's why he took it apart and buried it. I actually know the reason why. And it will be revealed towards the end of the movie. And it's the eighth most disappointing thing ever to happen to humanity. Is it that did Jimmy catch on to the fact that maybe that demon at guitar center was the devil and I might have made a deal with the devil. So I better take apart this guitar and hide it in three pieces. Maybe I

have a child. That's what I thought happened. It's so much dumber than that. And that will be revealed towards the end of the movie. Interesting. Gosh. Okay. Well, first let's, let's just close out the little guitar hero contest here. So this is virtuoso is about to like do a big difficult to play guitar lick and Jimmy's going to have to copy it. They blindfold Jimmy, which doesn't matter if you're playing music by here. That works is a weird thing. And then vicious, virtuous. So it does like a big, dancing thing with like pump fakes and stuff again, doesn't matter if you're blindfolded. And then he plays one note to like warm up before he's going to do his like really hard devil, guitar lick. And I think what happens is he plays that

one warm up note. And then Jimmy's like bling nailed it. I nailed your one right with your one out. I'm out. I'm out of the demon house. You have to let me go. It's actually even more stupid than that. He didn't right because he plays his one. No one happened. Yeah. He plays his one practice note. And then daughter Red shoe sexy love interest unplugged the Android's amp. And because she unplugged his amp, that's all Jimmy has to copy for their weird game of guitar horse. So Jimmy's like, ah, thanks for unplugging his amp. He plays the one note and then he's allowed to leave. Oh, the one note was all that we heard because she unplugged it right after the one note. Exactly. Oh, smooth, smooth, smooth. Yes.

Smooth, smooth by smoothie. And that was why that was her name nailed it. Right. Which means it's time for chapter five rebuilding the guitar, which is basically Jimmy's going to walk outside and explain the plot of the movie to freedom, even though we just watched and learned what the plot of the movie. I know they're like just in case that this trying to be Mad Max, but isn't anywhere near Mad Max film doesn't make sense to you. We're just going to lay it all out exposition style. Yeah, so they explain the plot of the movie to freedom and they head off to go put together the guitar, which is what the movie will be about now and not later.

I don't know. I think that's what happens. I think this might be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever. It's really hard to tell. I don't know. This is definitely worse than any movie you've ever made to watch. But all should better and the best? Not only because you guys have a warped sense of good news now, from doing the show for so long. All right, we are gonna have a kind of angry fight with Cara right now, and we're gonna take a quick break, and then we'll be back for more. Laser us, Lazarus, laser us. Serial for breakfast again?

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money. No questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt free cereal at magicspoon.com slash GAM and use the code GAM to save $5. Big thanks to Magic Spoon for sponsoring this episode. Thank you, Lou Diamond Phillips for upping our cereal game to the moon! You got it, kids. And remember, stay away from that on-shocks! Stay away from this on-shocks, yeah. So this is it. This is the guitar that's gonna make me famous. Yes, Jimmy Laser.

All who hear you play will never be. So this is it. This is the guitar. It's gonna make me famous. Yes, Jimmy laser. Oh, here you play. We'll never forget your name. All right. I can be the most famous gospel music star in history. Yes. I'm. This is gonna be best. Sorry. Sorry. What? Yeah. I'm gonna be the greatest of all time. Very excited. No. Yeah. I heard that part. Did you say gospel music?

Yeah. Like the Christians. Yeah, I play gospel music. Okay. I mean, I don't want to shoot my own deal in the foot here, but isn't it a little ironic to sell your soul to the devil to be in gospel music? Oh, I want to be the best.

That's all I want. I just want to be the best in my thing. Or yeah, about that gospel music fun fact not good I just gave you a magic guitar. You can be famous for like Regular music without the best gospel music like Jim Schvalle But I have better. I have no idea who that is Jim see what I mean I am the devil and I've literally never heard of that. Come on, be serious. He has a Canadian Grammy. Read a book.

Wow, a Canadian Grammy. I didn't realize that. Wow, it's a Canadian Grammy. Okay, I feel like you're making fun of me now. I am. I am making fun of you. Great. I just, ah.

Have you heard of rock and roll? Cause rock and roll is... Oh, yeah. I don't like black music. Yikes. Okay. Well, you definitely belong in hell, so yeah, here's your guitar, though.

Crush it in Canada, get yourself one of those maple syrup gravies. Do not maple syrup, they're maple candy. Cool. Different. Waste of a guitar. And we're back. And after our very long fight, we realized that this movie's amazing.

And we left all of it. Basically, Heath cried until Cara agreed. We were going to use it as an interstitial. Whatever works, it works. We stole one of her Emmys and put it inside me. We wouldn't give it back until she agreed. All right, so now they're about to go find the pieces of the demon guitar. Yeah, and it turns out the first one's just at the zoo.

Yep. It's under a rock at the zoo, and it's marked with a smaller rock that has an X on it that nobody's moved for 27 years. Seven years. Seven years. But it looks like a Disney prop like on a Disney ride. Yeah. It looks like something you would get for free because you got injured on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Yes.

Oh, but for the second piece, it's not going to be that easy. They need to get the second piece from the bass player, which brings us to chap six the The bass player the bass player. Yeah This is where Jimmy's on the phone and It's just like a rotary phone that's nailed to the outside of a building somewhere in Toronto Is that a thing in Toronto? Did they just have phones nailed to the side of the building? Also rotary phones. Yes, old, operator.

Get me the bass player for the second time. Right, half of this movie. We didn't act too instead. Right. So then the movie realizes that's dumb and doesn't make any sense. Jimmy sprints away very badly. We watch him sprint like Gary Bucy down the alley that they're in and he comes back

seconds later with a gang of guys who have like an old boom box and they listen to the radio. Yep. Where the answer is because the bass player lives under a bridge maybe we'll get to that in a second who lives under a bridge, maybe we'll get to that in a second. Always tunes into this same radio show that has a segment that's called the Distress Call of the Day.

What? Oh, right. On Christian radio. And he never misses it. What's his name never misses it? Right. He's player never, right. Exactly.

Righty. Never misses it. Which is weird because throughout this movie, they don't realize that guitars and bass guitars are held specifically one way, like most people are ready. So the neck goes to the left, but they keep holding it upside down and backwards throughout the movie at different times. Pretty fancy. I forget.

One of the great ending in the movie he raises his hand up just hits the back of the guitar. Shit. That, no. None of it. Oh. This is also where he and Zmoozie talk about his cigarette that says goodbye. It's his last cigarette. Well, that ever mattered to the movie?

No, the fuck it won't, but they spend about 11 minutes on it. So we're going to make you at least hear us sum it up in a sentence or two. Okay, but this brings us to the baby thing that I have no idea what was happening here. Okay, so here's what happens canonically in the movie. I'm gonna save y'all at home some time. Okay. Righty hears the distress call that they called into the Christian radio station.

And in order to reconnect with his friend, he dresses a boom box up as a crying baby. He wraps it in a blanket, he puts it in a pram, which he happens to have, and then runs away with it, counting on Jimmy laser to chase him to the bridge that he lives under so that he can reveal it was a boombox

and he's been his old friend all along. Okay. And that works. That plan works because. Lawless life. Jimmy starts chasing a guy running with a pram and a baby inside and then finds out it's his friend righty. And to be clear, if you're from anywhere else in the country that's not where these guys are from, a pram is a stroller. I'm sorry that we're Victorian time travelers, Karen, San Maria. We do our best to cover it up. Okay. In fairness, the prop is a Victorian pram.

It is actually your right. It's got like the little canopy over the top. Yeah, it's like it's made by fucking Greco. And like if there were a baby in there, it would have literally bounced out at one point. Oh, the pretence that there is a baby in here makes this scene terrifying because they are taking hard corners with this thing. My friends. Oh, yeah, they're like, they're taking like those, what are they called?

Like the road humps. Yep. Oh, they're drifting with a pram. I was going to say they Tokyo drift with the baby. They Tokyo drift a pram. If you're Tokyo drifting and chasing a guy who's running with a baby and a stroller, you need to examine your whole situation. They don't.

They're just like, this all makes sense. I should be chasing this baby for some reason. And then it turns out it all worked out because Wrighty's plan made sense and they found him. And they're under a bridge now where he lives. Right. Well, so that's the thing. He says like, Wrighty, how long have you been homeless? And Wrighty's like, I'm not homeless.

I live under a bridge. And there's an awkward pause while everyone in the movie is like, come on man, you know that means homeless. Yeah. Don't write it. Yeah. But then he says, righty, it's time to feed the baby, which I really wanted to be coach or gay sex. What is it called for? It's called for I need my piece of my magical guitar back. The only thing it makes less sense than gay sex. And so to be clear, once again, because I feel like nobody who's listening to us right now saw this movie. So they're like, I have no idea what's going on.

The purpose now is that Jimmy laser, who is a 27 year old zombie demon. Yeah. Yes. Has decided that he needs to put together his guitar that he took in pieces whenever that happened, right? Put it back together and bring it back to Satan for reasons. Yeah. No, he's actually got to put it back together and play it at the moose or Satan will force choking with his own hand. Oh, Satan wants him to bring it back to him, but he's got a different plan.

Right. He's going to go to the moose, but he's like, no, I'm going to play it at the moose for alternate reasons, alternate reasons, yes, to remove the movie because my manager had a dream that I did. Okay. And Johnny Cash, something, my manager, who can raise the dead, yeah, dreamed that I did. Yes. Right. So, righty has the code in his head

for where the next piece of the guitar is. But he forgot the code on purpose for safety, like this is like a, like an extra layer of like two factor authentication happening here. I think this is supposed to be comic relief. Yes, this is supposed to be quirky and funny. Okay. And it's not, it's like, it's just sad. It's like the next level below dad joke. Yeah. Right, like instead of bad groany puns, it's just like, oh, I would have remembered, but

then I forgot. Huh? Huh? Oh, that's it. That's it. Yeah. Okay. It's sad. He's like, I'm mentally ill and then they're That's it. Yeah. Okay.

It's sad. He's like, I'm mentally ill. And then they're all righty. Yeah. That's true. They will treat his apparent mental illness as a character quirk until about four seconds from now when they will entirely forget it as a plot point for the rest of the day. Right.

And then he's just completely level the rest of the day. Yeah. Which brings us to chapter seven, the forbidden fortress, which is Wrighty's home. Now, podcast lists, I know what you're thinking. Oh, I was commuting and I must have blacked out for the 20 minutes where Wrighty was homeless and then didn't have a home.

No, no, no, this is the continuity of the movie. The rest of this scene will take place inside the homeless characters. Oh, wait, I thought he's divorced, and this is the home of his ex-wife. Oh, that's clearly what it is. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The forbidden fortress is the place we shall not go because the evil ex-wife lives there,

and she's going to make me feel bad about the fact that I, I don't know, and mentally ill and live under a bridge. But she doesn't do anything evil. She just gives them the things they ask. No, she's like a totally normal person. She just seems slightly miffed. Yeah, that's just that's why it's sexist. Okay.

She also feeds them hard boiled eggs and whipped cream. Oh, she invites them in. What was that? Is this a Canadian thing? Have I, I wasn't. She, I don't care what it's from, that's fantastic. No, it's been fucking disgusting.

No, it is. You wouldn't, you don't right now want a hard boiled egg and whipped cream. You're saying you would have that right now. So I want that negative. What is the opposite of what? I just want to say. Let me think, do Canadians eat eggs with whipped cream.

There's no way they do. Cooke off. That's canon. That's a Canadian thing. We would know that. Well, I know two things about Canadians. One, they are polite, two, they never use condoms. If they ate boiled eggs with whipped cream,

I would have heard about it. Right, it would be like ketchup flavored chips, milk and a bag. It would be all the things we know. I do have like aerosolized maple syrup whipped cream and they have hard boiled eggs and they put them together. It's like a standard thing. No, it's just like snow and they drizzle it.

It's a journey to trying to do something quirky in the movie, but they shoot what felt like hours of footage of the 55 year old man just like slowly biting into this sugar covered eight truly revolting. It looks amazing. Reafelting. Okay. So the ex wife brings over 42 reels of something footage to tape of the old band's music. I think.

Yeah, I think it's the old band's music because he's like, I buried it in the old music. Yeah, right. And yeah, so, okay, again, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm certain I'm wrong. But what I think happened here is they have all this old bootleg music of their shitty concerts and coated into the music was backwards talking that describes the location of the next piece of the guitar. Yes. Yeah, but we don't know that yet because first, like, none of us know that. All we know is somewhere in these tapes, there's a clue. Right. And so then they play them all because it's like 37 hours later. And then they finally found it either first or last. The movie's not clear whether it's the first tape They put in or the last tape they put in but they put the tape in and it plays some backward thing and then someone's like

Oh man, if only we had a way to play backwards language forward and Jimmy laser just pulls a Backwards player recording Mike out of his pocket. He's like you mean like this? backwards player recording Mike out of his pocket. He's like, you mean like this? Was that a comedy beat or were they just like, well, unless he's got one in his pocket, we can't do the movie. I think that's what they're saying. I think that was real. I think they were like, yeah. So musicians would be carrying things that go backwards and forwards, obviously, for codes. And this is what they have. And righty just happens to speak backwards language. Easily. Yeah. So he repeats the backwards ease that he heard on the tape into the little handheld backwards and forwards device that Jimmy laser just happens to have on his.

This movie is amazing. Are you kidding? Is that a thing? Is that a thing? It's a pen. It was a pen. It looked like just a pen with a light on it, but for whatever reason, it recorded and then you could play it backward. Yeah, it looks like something they got from a bank for opening a check account. Yeah, that's all it was. Does that thing exist? Oh, man. I'm sure, but it's definitely not that pen they used for propping this movie.

D.D. Bank would make so much more money if they gave pens that played back for music for codes. Absolutely. But then the code turns out to be red, red, you gave it to red. His brother. Wait, you could hear that? You could understand that. Well, yeah, when they played it forward, I could understand it on the second viewing. Wait, really? Yeah. I didn't get that at all. All I got was, no. Blu, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, needed to forget is I gave it to my brother. He needed, again, 37 hours of real footage in a backwards, forwards clue to remember I gave it to my brother, the only other person I know in the world besides my ex wife. Yeah, he literally needed two factor authentication to figure this out. And that's going to bring us to chapter eight red. Okay. So his name is red and he was in the band. Yes. I did not get any of this.

He was the drummer of the band for my view. He's right. He's brother. I just got that he was his brother and he was, he was a hard dude. Yes. He's, he's, he's the drummer and when Jimmy abandoned them before their big gig, he made a vow to murder Jimmy on site. Oh yeah. I wrote my notes. That seems extreme for a band breaking up, right? I mean, and especially because when we meet red, he's at like a meeting and it's like a meeting

of ex-gospel singers or something. It's an anti-Atheist addiction. It's an atheist addiction support group. Not pretty sure. It's an anti-gospel music recovery group. People who are recovering atheists are here. No, recovering gospel. Oh, we have a recovery.

Yes, sorry. They're recovering Christians. They're vehemently atheist here. Recovery. Oh, we have recovery. Oh, we have recovery. They're recovering Christians. They're vehemently atheist here. Yes. Yeah, and they're all like bikers too. I think they look like there was a Dolly Parton convention and also the Sturgis motorcycle rally that gave a third of the country COVID. Like they smashed together inside the

Haldron particle accelerator and that this meeting is what came out. Oh, it's so good, bad, bad, bad. It's bad. This scene's amazing. You got to admit, this scene is crazy ridiculous, amazing. No. So the show about this support group for atheists trying to recover from religion, but it's a terrible thing.

And we learn a couple of the rules here. They zoom in on like the rule book of this anti-gospel support group rule number 12. I am atheist numero uno, which is weird phrasing, but okay, they're super atheist. Also, the way you pronounce the word numero is really weird to numero numero numero numero uno. I know Spanish and numero rule number 13, remove all religious tattoos or else. Yeah, you remove a tattoo like well, great question. Remove all religious tattoos or else Well, great question

Clarifies great question. That's why they have the bonus rule right there after it bonus rule always bring your drill And that's that's literal they all brought power drills Just in case they need to drill off a religious tattoo. Like drill someone's arm off if they didn't remove the religious tattoo. If this is not in any way, answer my question. That is a great question. No, it doesn't, but that's what the movie does. Neither does anything else. Wouldn't you prefer like a box cutter over a drill?

Well, less exciting. Oh, look, everybody. Skinbook's lady wants the really specific information You prefer like a box cutter over a drill. Well, less exciting. Oh, look, everybody. Skinbooks lady wants the really specific information on how to remove a tattoo. I wonder why? No. This is why you can't come to a live show.

Because you'll kill someone. To hang out with Steve Nevella too much. It's okay. You guys, this is really bad. I'm revealing myself little by little. Okay, so that I didn't like exaggerate there. Nope. This group realizes that red still has a religious tattoo. They all take out their drill. Yeah, he's got a cross. Bad. They all take out their drills. They start to hold him down to drill his arm off or the part of his arm that has to tattoo for atheism.

I have no idea that's what was happening. Yeah, that's what's happening. I think I got this right. I think this might be the point where I was like, I have to go to sleep. I can't do this anymore. That was a good move. Okay, so that's happening.

So Jimmy sees that that's happening. He runs upstairs where he's kept a chainsaw in a box just for this in case this was going to happen. He comes back. That stands with a chainsaw. But he's never been here before, right? Thank you. Thank you, Karen. The plot of this movie, well, to put the chainsaw, he obviously placed a chainsaw at some point. The plot of this movie to put the chainsaw he obviously placed chainsaw at some point the plot of this movie is that Jimmy has emergency chainsaws placed randomly around the country around Toronto. Yeah, it happens to have one in the attic of the building where they hold this anti-gospel recovery group meeting. That is correct. And then of course, he says the thing that takes all atheists down, you say you're atheists, but you're afraid of the fires of hell. And one of the atheists says, no, we're not.

Carous dad to which he replies, then why are you wearing asbestos underpants? Oh, yeah. What? That was weird. Was this a Mormon reference? No, we don't like they wear magic underpants, but not asbestos underpants. Are they not asbestos?

No, they're not the, how do they spedos? Why not they were asbestos? I think they're Kevlar and asbestos. We would have a rash of like Mormon misotheliuma case. It's not a thing. Graphene infused. There we go. Yeah, asbestos. That's I'm pretty a thing. Graffin infused. There we go. Yeah. It's best dose.

That's, I'm pretty sure like that's how Mormon is more. Super hero. And I mean to correct you on the air. But yeah, I think this is supposed to be like a gotcha against like, oh, atheists say they don't believe in hell, but we and Cara's dad know that you secretly do. And that's why you're wearing underwear that would protect you from fire if you got to go to hell in the underwear you were wearing when you're tired.

And only that part of your body would be protected. You're in a lake of fire and you're like just crotch area is protected by Christ. So basically hell is just a bunch of chart corpses. Charted crotchess. Chardonnac penises. Yep. I would have found a way to make that work though, right? I'm boiling in a lake of fire and I'm turning on the demon.

My dick feels great. My dick, whatever you're doing, all the other areas, my dick feels awesome. Amazing. I'm literally like imagining in my head, my copy of Dante's Inferno with the old etching. And it's just, it's just, these char bodies with just like epic penis. Oh, I thought it was just like a chubby me floating

in the middle of medieval art forms, like flipping off a demon with my gloriously intact butt. Oh my God, hell sounds insane. Hell sounds insane. Now, I know what to wear to the next live show. So there you go. So much dick. But they saved red.

The point is they have saved red. And now they're going to try to convince him to go back to gospel music, but he doesn't want to. Right. He's mostly just mad about the name thing. He's like, yeah, I don't want to go back to the band. Like laser Ross, it's a stupid name. You don't even say, right? It's Lazarus. It's supposed to be a reference to Lazarus. We don't

even say it. We say laser. Us is dumb. Yep. Literally, that is what happens. He's like, I need those magic guitar parts. Oh, we forgot to mention this. Red is wearing the pickups for the magic Satan guitar as a bracelet. That's piece number two. All right, back to the plot. Back to the plot. In order for him to give them back to Jimmy, Jimmy has to agree to change the name of the band to laser dash us or to Lazarus.

All right. And they even close the scene with, do you still say it the same? And then they don't answer that question. I laughed a lot for righty out of nowhere is like okay we're going back to laser us or like how do we pronounce it? And they just end scene. Yep. Which brings us to chapter nine, the final piece. No, but we're nowhere near the final anything. No, we are not near the end of the movie, but we are at the final piece, apparently.

It feels like you break your demon guitar into, I don't know, a little bit more than three pieces, if you're worried that you're doing like two factor authentication on stuff, like maybe break it into like, I don't know, 27 pieces. There you go. Right, agree. This is where the captions let us know

that Paul McCartney died at 27. Nope, did not happen. Did, no. Agree. This is where the captions let us know that Paul McCartney died at 27. Nope. Did not happen. Did not happen. Was that supposed to be? Did he in the Paul is dead when you play it backwards thing? Did that happen when he was 27? I don't know. Is this like a conspiracy theory that I don't know about? Yeah, there isn't a little record that you play backwards that said Paul is dead. Remember when you were in the Beatles. Yeah, they did a weird joke about it. And then it didn't go over well. And then they were like, we're just like Jesus and the 60s are like, we are not ready for this.

And he was like, oh, shit, sorry. Jesus was great. Right. But like, we had no shoes when he was walking across Abbey Road and it was like a thing. Clearly, that was a joke. Right. Yeah, it wasn't actually dead.

No, like I've seen him lost like, I've seen like he exists. He's around. You can go to his concert. No, it's not. But this is what's crazy. Okay. Now at this point in the movie, guitar hunter, the guy who had him do the weird horse game with guitar, he now has the handle of the guitar and the pickups because movie who knows that she is Jimmy laser's daughter stole them and has brought them to the devil because she will die and I assume go to hell on her 27th birthday, which is days or hours or minutes away depending on how the timeline of this movie works. It's an hour away because the demon is talking to her.

He's like, okay, thanks for the, you know, guitar neck and the pickups. You're going to turn 27 in one hour and he flips an hour glass. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there is an hour glass. And also there's something about these blue shoes. Like she was wearing blue chucks, the whole movie after he like sexy took off her red shoes. Right. She found some random blue chucks somewhere and he's like, nice shoes. And I'm like, is she wearing his shoes?

I don't understand. There's like weird subtext that they didn't ever expound on. And then she like disappears to go back to the devil, but she leaves the blue shoes so that he can like find them to know that she like stole his shit and left. And is the blue rocks blue shoes thing? Some sort of reference. Oh, I think it is smart. Look at you.

That makes sense because blue and blue. No, but it's just literally the two things are blue. I didn't. Two things are blue. That's the most amorous thing that's connecting the dots better than this movie's ever done. Yeah. This is the best we're going to get.

You're putting it together. So, so he's like, oh man, I've lost my guitar. Like, our plan is ruined. So now we're gonna cut to 27 years ago. And we're gonna find out why he decided to run away from music and not use his magic guitar and abandon his family. And why? Because he flipped a coin and it came up.

Lip to coin. White cross. So he he he he he he. They do this coin flip and they show us a cross. And then they give us the flash back to 27 years ago. He flipped a coin to the side. I'm going to run away from music in my family because he got upside down cross.

Okay. Which is that's a bad coin. That's a terrible system. I feel like that's real easy to mix up, no? Very easy and also not coin dependent. Hahaha. So yeah, he gets the, in his head upside down cross. And then immediately goes apparently to the mother of his child, the mother of smoothie. And he's like, yeah, so I flipped a coin and I got upside down and crossed.

I have to leave forever. She's like, you sure you didn't look at it backwards? Maybe that's not the best coin system. He abandons his child, takes the guitar apart, never plays it or uses it, and then we must assume sits in a horse trailer for 27 years waiting for freedom to come start the movie. Okay. I think that's all that. Yes, I think it's a lot of the movie here. Must be.

Must be the part of the movie. Okay. So yeah, but it gets worse because now we cut back to the present and who's there? Smoothie. Wait, I thought smoothie was a bad guy. No, because freedom, member freedom, the band manager, he's just traded himself for smoothie to the devil. Right.

Okay, that did happen and I feel like I knew that. Yes. So freedom does the ultimate sacrifice because again, remember, not only is freedom the band manager and Jimmy laser's best friend, but he's also like a cool guy preacher. Yes. And so like the preacher was willing to sell himself to the devil to save his friend Jimmy. Not his friend Jimmy, his friend Jimmy's daughter. Right.

Who just, a scene ago was on the devil's side. Right, but I think that was a fake out. Yeah, wasn't she faking out the devil and doing the thing with the shoes as like a backup plan to make it look like shoes with the devil? Yeah, that's absolutely right. But flew him in with the shoes. Oh.

Yeah, it was a fake out. And also remember what we're leaving out here is that the pickups aren't the real pickups. They're not? No, yeah. He helps on. The red holds on to the real pickups and gives them the fake pickups.

So it's a double fake out. So she takes the wrong pickups to the devil. But I think somehow she's supposed to know that. Why would she know that? I don't know, but. This is such a good movie. This is such a good movie guys. It made sense in my head because she was always intending to come back to her love interest

father. Okay. Well, if it's confusing, I think we can all agree that it'd be clarified if a Johnny Cash impersonator were to now have a three minute conversation with their protagonists. And that's what yeah. Yeah. That's what we get. A Johnny Cash impersonator shows up and is like, you got to go to the moves. Also, he's bad. Like he's my level of Johnny Cash impersonation. Oh, I thought his accent was pretty good. I, it kind of sounds like Johnny Cash. Am I nailing it? No, I kind of sound like Johnny, I am too.

And also like he clearly doesn't really look like Johnny Cash, which is why they put him in the dark. He's like, he's like in the rafters for some reason. And he's super far away, because they didn't want to show him. Yeah. And the first thing he says to Jimmy is that don't smoke, which is a weird hypocrisy, a guy who injected methamphetamines into his penis. Okay. So again, there's a weird anti-smoking PSA running very much. Yes. Because multiple times over, he almost smokes his last cigarette,

which says goodbye on it, which the daughter rips in half, which he tapes back together. And he's just constantly like fingering a cigarette or like, lipping a cigarette, but never actually lights it. The whole movie. I was present for no illusion quitting cigarettes. And this is now the most unpleasant quitting of cigarettes. I have witnessed in this movie. And I watched Noah quit. Oh, God. If anybody quitting cigarettes was trying to in this movie. And I watched Noah Quitt. Oh God, if anybody quitting cigarettes was trying to watch this movie, they would be like,

fuck, are you kidding me? Now he's running the cigarette lovingly along the side of his lip. Come on. Clearly, this guy is not trying to quit. Anybody who has ever struggled with cigarettes, I quit cigarettes. Oh my God, when I was 27.

What, are you technically alive? Last year? Oh, you guys are technically alive last year? Oh, you guys are so sweet last year. No, yeah, I quit smoking cigarettes 10 years ago and I could not be around them. This guy isn't trying to quit. This guy is like, he's like flaunting that he's, he doesn't need cigarettes.

That's what he's doing in this movie. He's like, I can lick it, not even smoke it. Why can't we lick it? Honestly, if this movie had been a break up makeup like before Dawn kind of love story between this guy and a cigarette, I would have liked it way more. Oh yeah, like because that's the thing too.

What is the cigarette plot and why is it the most salient part of the whole film? Never matters. Never,. Never. Not why. I was trying to tie it in and I have no idea. But Johnny Cash tells him to go to the mousse. Yeah, so he's going to go to the mousse.

Yeah, so okay, Johnny Cash just assured us that the plot makes some sense. Don't worry, it's going to happen. But first we're going to take one more quick break and then we'll be back for the the rest of whatever this is. And I want to thank my beautiful wife and darling since the very beginning of this thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're practicing for winning awards and stuff because of our new sponsor, Masterclass. What's Masterclass? Seriously, seriously. Come on. I know, but you guys put the spreadsheet on Google Docs and now I'm beating Marsh for

second. Well, five of mine. Fine. With Masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to cook from Gordon Ramsay, and review your chess game with Gary Kasparov, or even learn magic from Penn and Teller, with over a hundred classes from a range of world-class instructors, that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than you think.

Yeah, I actually had a membership with Masterclass before they were a sponsor. I signed up for Steve Martin's class on comedy and I stayed for the great acting courses, the mindfulness stuff, and I've even done some of the cooking courses. It's beautifully shot and the courses are really excellent. Oh, how's the pen and teller one on magic? They give away a trick. You've been doing for like eight years or you're mad at them. Yes, they do.

He thank you for telling everyone that. Yes, it's very good class. They all are. So we highly recommend you check it out. Get unlimited access to every master class. And as a God awful movies listener, you get 15% off an annual membership. Just go to masterclass.com slash awful.

That's masterclass.com slash awful. For 15% off masterclass. Man, that does sound good. You guys might really end up with some Emmys of your own after all. You really think so? No, give those back. Where I don't want to share an Emmy with Linda Burns anyway. Stupid. Nobody talks about

Linda Burns like that. I know you're back on TV again, but it's fun that you got weird with us during COVID. Yeah, thank God. Nobody listens to podcasts. Right? Right. Nobody listens to podcasts. Jimmy Pfft. Jimmy. Jimmy Lacer. You're the man in black, right? Yep. Legally, we can say that. Uh, so what do I do, Johnny Cash?

Yeah, I'm a man in black. Okay. What do I do, man in black? How do I save my daughter? You've got to go to the 7 11. The 7 11. What's the 7 11? There's a wise man there. You must meet him and bring me back what he gives you.

Sorry. Um, I bring it back to you. Yep. I get. I need it. Don't, don't tell June though. What? Journey. Are you trying to score even as a ghost? Dammit, June, I'm doing a magic wisdom thing. Stop it. You're interrupting me. No, no, no, you're not. You're trying to score. Don't listen to her. Go get the powder from the wise man

and bring it back to me. Wait, it's a powder? Yeah, it's a magic music powder. I'm going to give it to you. You bring that back home. I'm going to push it down the toilet. Dammit, Juneberg. Okay, I'm going give it to you. You bring that back home, I'm gonna inflict it down the toilet. Damn it, Juneberg. Okay, I'm gonna go. And we're back. When we left off, Jimmy laser was about to get the next piece of the guitar at a third

hiding place called... Hiding place number three. Yes, this is chapter 10. The man in black has spoken, which means we better wrap this movie up soon. Oh, but no, because there's still like 40 minutes left at this point. Yeah. So the daughter comes in and she's going to explain the plot of the movie. She's like, yeah, so the third part of the guitar is just here, I guess.

Oh, yeah, they just find that one really fast. Yeah, it's just like, it's just where the ending of the movie is. And then, okay. Again, this only makes sense if everyone involved in this movie can't play the guitar and no one wanted to tell anyone else in the movie. There will be about five minutes of the remaining scenes of this movie where they will have a fight about whether or not they should practice before the big concert, which will never be relevant to the plot of the movie.

It will never make any sense unless this actor can't play guitar and he's playing chicken with the other actor 100% what happened. Well clearly he can't play guitar. He cannot. He doesn't even know how to hold it correctly. No, right. But also isn't part of the plot that if he plays the devil guitar, something bad will happen? Oh, maybe that, okay.

Maybe that's a main plot point here is that he can't play the guitar. It seems like they could just practice with a different guitar for the rehearsal. I don't know. You're right about that. That is a major hole in a major plot point that I did not think about until now. Got a relationship at the dark center. Just get a regular one. But they have this whole standoff scene where red, the one who they found in the atheist

gospel meeting thing holds a baseball bat up to his head and counts to three. Yeah. No, he counts down from five. Thank you. Right. Count down from five. He you. He counts down from five. He's like, five, four, three, two, one. And then he just goes like, bang, you're dead. And then quits the band.

And Jimmy's like, okay, first of all, why does everybody keep stashes of weapons for situations like this? Like my chain saw thing made a little bit more sense than your baseball bat. I gotta be honest. Also, did you just count down from five while holding the baseball bat and then finger guns me? Yeah. And like, where was the baseball bat when he was finger gunning him? Up to his neck. He's holding it up his neck. Oh, he was. You're right. He was still holding it there.

The awkward and the wide shot would have been very awkward because he's got the hand on one side and the bat on the other. But the movie, I think, wants us to think this is a big moment. It's like, no, the band is breaking. The band got back together two and a half scenes ago. We've never heard them play. We don't care about any of the characters. So now Zmoozie comes back in and she's like, hey, remember these shoes? And he's like, yeah, I remember them. You were in a demon house and I took off your demon shoes.

And she's like, yeah, they're not demon shoes. And he's like, oh, she's like, yep. So what are we doing? This is shoes. And then that's it. That's just why? Why did that conversation? Yeah, I didn't get us anywhere, guys. You want to just fucking practice? Because I feel like you're gonna Bomm is that we watch as part of this movie a failed conversation starter That's it. That's that's what it is though. That's how that happens like we're not just kidding She's like here's some red shoes that you took off of me with your circle scarf

Sexily even though I'm your daughter, because they were cursed, but they're not cursed. Let's get a cheeseburger. That's literally, she's like, I guess, I don't know what to make of that. And he's like, here, do you want to play the guitar? And she plays the guitar for a second. And she turns 27. Yeah.

We actually, this is the only guitar we really hear ever played and it's not plugged in. No, she's got electric guitar and we hear very clearly an acoustic guitar being played. Also, he's doing this weird thing where he like, he's like, you strum and all move the capo up and down the neck, but he's not pushing on it hard enough. No. So it's just setting on top of the strings, which would make it sound like this. Like, that's what that sound makes.

The actor. Push on the strings. Does not know how to play the guitar. So he's just gently stroking the Capo up and down the neck of the guitar while his daughter, an actress who doesn't know how to play the guitar, is strumming by gently waving her hand above the stomach of the guitar. And they're showing extreme tight shots of this. They're like, we know what we're doing.

This movie is chicken that we don't know how to play guitar. No one involved in the production or the viewing of this film has ever seen a guitar played or played a guitar. No. Which clearly is like pretty amazing odds considering that they hired everybody out of a grocery store. Yeah. You'd think that at least one person would know how to play guitar. Weird. So now we're going to watch the guitar execution of freedom.

Right. Oh, wait, is this the cigarette thing? This is the sick. No, this is, sorry, this is before that. Okay. This is where freedom is going to get power corded to death. That execution of freedom. I get it. I thought you were doing a weird plan. You mean of the actual character name? The actual character name freedom. So before he does, think about how fucking stupid this movie is. Yes. Jimmy who is just handed the magic fucking guitar to his daughter lover in the barn where he was keeping the three pieces of his magic guitar just handed to her seconds ago. He goes out to the minivan, the mom van and looks inside his guitar case and says, the

guitar is gone. Right. Really that happened. Yes. The guitar is gone. And now Satan and the leather cowboy demon gang has the guitar somehow and they have freedom. Yes. What?

So did they just accidentally skip a scene? Yes, they actually did. You know how sometimes like you're binging a TV show, and this has happened you guys before, right? Where you binge a TV show and then you start the next episode and they do the last time on. Yeah. And you're like, wait, did I like not watch that? Okay. Like was I half asleep?

Because I don't remember any of this. Yes, that happened. The movie forgets that they didn't put the scene where freedom gets abducted by the demons. And then they're like, oh shit, we didn't do that. And they give us like a two second flashback. So yeah, here's the day. Here's freedom getting abducted by the demons. He's back now. They got to the chart. We're back in the room. That just what happens in

the movie, they march freedom out of the truck that they have and they power cord him to death. And he falls and disappears. First, they put up a rolled up blindfold on him, which they can't bother to straighten. Perhaps the ugliest and weirdest part of the movie is the blindfold that they can barely get over this actor's head. One of his eyes is uncovered and they're like, it's fine. It's fine. The movie's almost over. And then the guitar hunter from earlier in the movie, the guy who made him play guitar horse in front of the electric thing, hits a power cord and the power cord kills freedom. Yep. But it doesn't really kill him, it like vanishes him.

Yeah. Cause his body's not there. Obi-Wan Kenobi's him. His clothes are still there, but maybe his asbestos underwear went with them down there. Oh, it's true. And meanwhile, Jimmy laser, aka Jonah Merryweather, is watching from inside the van for some reason. And he puts his hand up. you know that scene in Titanic? Yes.

He does like the hand print scene. It's 100% the hand print scene from Titanic. Yeah, and they do like an intense, like macro shot of it as if we're supposed to feel anything. And we don't care about any of these characters to the zero character development. There's no development. We don't care about their relationship.

We haven't seen the preach. We haven't seen freedom for five scenes. Five scenes. Hold on, didn't, so, Zmoozy is not dead here, even though she just had her 27th birthday. Is that because freedom, like took the bullet for her?

Yeah. Yeah, he did a trade, Zs. Oh, okay. It's all, he did a trade Z's. Oh, okay. It's all the devil loves trade Z's. Because the devil's like, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. He sacrifices himself.

The devil's like that guy who starts with a paper clip and ends up with a house. Yeah. I trade for something slightly better and just keeps going. I would totally watch the devil's TikTok. If Satan, if you're listening, you start a TikTok, you've got to follow it. So, yeah, then there's a totally meaningless scene where the daughter, Zmoo-thee is like,

don't worry, freedom is back with Johnny Cash now. Right. Like, so that means they're all in hell. It's unclear. But they have this amazing moment. The only reason I bring up this scene is because Jimmy laser turns to her and he's like, this place is stupid. This movie is stupid.

This movie has no plot. You're right. Well, now they go to the moose because that was the plot that they remembered here. Right. Yeah, they're going to the moose. That's the whole point. Let's get to the remembered here. Right. Yeah, they're going to the moose. That's the whole point. Let's get to the moose. Yeah.

It's kind of like, have you guys ever done like really hard drugs? And when you're really hard drugs, the only thing that you can do is make sure you have a mission and it doesn't matter how stupid the mission is, but like you keep going back like a lot of going to the bathroom. Got to get these lucky charms, yeah. All night. Yeah, that's what this movie is. Yeah. And then the guy at the theater at the dark night told me I couldn't bring a box of

lucky charms into the movie theater and I was so sad about it. I didn't throw in a graze pia a lot of time. That's a great place. In these moments. So you guys have epic, like I had some intense experiences at raves where it was literally just getting from where we were like sitting or dancing to the bathroom. This was like an all night event is figuring out how to pee. You got different like components to the mission and giving yourself title.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And you've got to step over the guy. It's amazing. Still more interesting than the plot of this movie. Absolutely. So they get to the moose, chapter 12, laser man, come forth. And for some reason, even though this hasn't been announced

anywhere, and there are only four characters in the movie, there is now a crowd of people there chanting, find Jimmy. Find Jimmy. Was that what they were saying there chanting, find Jimmy. Find Jimmy. Was that what they were saying? Yeah, find Jim, but wasn't that a flashback or a flash forward? No, it's real time. It's real time.

It's real time. When anything happened in this scene, at the moose now. No, and we know that because I think they put out a flyer. Oh, they did. Did I miss a flyer in scene? Yeah, I think they put out a flyer way earlier that said they were going to play. It was a reunion toward the moose of laser us Lazarus. And they're going to go to moose.

But here's the thing. The moose is just a parking lot. Yeah, it's closed now. No, but it's not even just closed. It doesn't. The building doesn't. It's now literally a parking lot. Yeah.

Like, there's just, they're like, this is where the moose was. And it's like, clearly, it's not because this is not a new parking lot. Right. the building doesn't exist. It's now literally a parking lot. Yeah. They're like, this is where the moose was. And it's like, clearly it's not, because this is not a new parking lot. Right.

I think you guys just went to the wrong streets. That would have been hilarious to be like, all right, pull up. Pull up the maps again. I think we're, it's back, it's back this way. So now we're going to flash back to the previous evening, but maybe concurrent with the timeline where he burns the Satan guitar. Right. So this is, I think, the entire point of the cigarette, but it makes no sense. So the whole time, he's like lip-fucking this cigarette.

Yep. And then finally, he's crouched down with the guitar in front of him in like a field. And he continues to lip fuck the cigarette, lights his last match for some reason. And then somehow catches an entire guitar on fire with one match. And sounds really hard to do.

What is Satan guitar? It's very fire attracted. It's very, and then he walks away from it. And I'm sitting here in Southern California being like row Only you can prevent forest fires. It's okay. It's not a gender revealed guitar. So it's probably yeah I really wanted his one last match to just blow out and delay the big ending and he has to go like go to convenience store Goes to a hotel. Oh, I wanted this movie to legit be like the mist. Oh, it's just garbage the whole time and then the ending is so epic that I'm like, I

loved it. I don't I have nothing bad to say about this film. There you go. It was not. I wanted this movie to be like the mist and that I wanted to kill myself before it was over. And everyone else in the car with me. Yeah. Spoiler.

They end up all dying to a power cord that Jimmy. He's lying your heads up against this amp. But then so he burned the guitar. He walks dramatically away from it and lights carous house on fire. Yes. But then he opens a piece of paper that he has never had, that we never saw him pick up, that we never saw anyone write that says, the curse is broken, JC. That's a note from Jesus.

Did Jesus say that? Was he in on this? I mean, that's JC, right? Can we agree that JC is Jesus Christ? JC is Jesus Christ for sure. I feel like it's got JC is Jesus Christ? JC is Jesus Christ for sure. I feel like it's gotta be Jesus Christ. He's the one who in the Bible resurrected Lazarus. So it wasn't a curse though.

No, if I remember correctly. Yeah, was Satan in that story at all? He just went to some dude's house and was like, oh, guys been dead for four days, I got this. And okay, he's good. And he also put like really expensive like cream from Sephora all over his own, his foot or something and wasted it and got yelled at.

That's the whole story that I remember from Lazarus. Maybe the curse was Jimmy's, I'm gonna go deep here. Maybe the curse was Jimmy's quest for fame. And in finding Jesus, the curse was broken. What? What? I'm reaching. I'm admittedly reaching.

Well, and the sentence, right? The sentence that we're supposed to be taking from this is when he goes, and I was never, I never got famous and she goes, you're famous to me. Oh, it's so dark. It's so, but let me explain the meta narrative behind this because she says you're famous to me. Oh, it's so dark. It's so, but let me explain the meta narrative behind this because she says, you're famous to me. She hands him a guitar and then he turns into the director slash writer of this movie.

Yeah, he ages. He becomes old. Yeah, now he's 54. But the person who plays the old him, that's the director slash writer of this movie. No, fucking way. Yeah. You're so right. This was just his fever dream, the whole fucking time. Yeah. This is him being like, you know, I never got famous, but I made a movie about how much my daughter loves me and that weird sex scene we had with her shoes. Don't worry about it. The fucking end. And also, I never had anything to do with her entire life Don't worry about it. The fucking end. And also I never had anything

to do with her entire life for the first 27 years, yet for some reason she actually wants to have something to do with me now. Yeah, he never gets yelled at for being a horrible father who abandoned his family on a coin flip that doesn't even make sense because the coin thing was clearly just an upside-down cross that you looked that wrong. No, he's, and then his daughter gives him the guitar. He turns back into the old version of himself and then the screen letters are just like, Jimmy never became famous, but he did get to play the moose.

No, he didn't. We watched him exist. It's not there. It's your moody. It's your, this would be like if Heath in 30 years made a movie about how he scored, didn't score the winning touchdown at the big home game where we watch him not score. And then the ending credits are like, Heath was the football champion after all. Oh, stupid. I did score the winning touchdown. I didn't know. And like, that's the end of the movie.

Oh my God, who's blue? Who's blue in our script? I am blue. I'm always blue. OK. I just have to tell you guys that Eli's notes this week, look like my like my notes every week, but usually, usually their notes are really intense, right?

They're like, I get it. I get it. I'm doing some diagramming. And my notes are, I hate you guys so much. Why don't you make me watch this? This doesn't make any fucking sense. But Eli's notes literally just say that place looks stupid all caps. This movie is stupid all caps.

This movie has no plot. It'll be there. This movie has no plot. To be fair, some I thought's exactly. Spoiler alert, future patrons, you will have access to my notes soon enough. Oh no, where the fuck is the plot? Find plot, find plot, find plot. Okay, well, speaking of that, what is the moral of the story? What was the plot of the story?

I will tell you the answers that cover any of those questions. What anything? Carrega. You oh, oh, okay, I'm dialing back into heaven's gate tells flames. You can do any horrible, horrible thing in your life. So long as the end of the day, you sacrifice your preacher best friend. Yep. Right. The only person of color in the movie. Yes. You give him over to Satan. And then you'll be okay. You'll be cool. It's cool. It's gonna be cool. All right. We'll take it. We learned a lesson.

All right. Well, while that does it for a review of laser us, that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we found another best worst movie for next week. So we lie. What's on deck? We'll be taking on the supernatural thriller from 1990. Flatliners Fantastic So with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 296 to a merciful close Huge thanks to Kara for joining us. Is there anything you want to you want to send people anywhere any new projects old projects? Where can they hear more from you? I love skin book stock projects, where can they hear more from you? I love skinbooks.com. There it is. There it is. They'll take you everywhere you need to go. That's I love skinbooks.com, the website of Caracenna Maria. Oh, and apparently also climate elites.

A little bit wrong. Yeah. Climate elites.com. And also get you there. And some other ones that I'm waiting for us to be closer friends before I review. you there and some other ones that I'm waiting for us to be closer friends before I review. All right, big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful, and I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, you should check check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citatio Needed, the Skeptocrat, and D&D Monis available in all the podcast places.

If you have comments, questions, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God of the Movies at gmail.com. Legal Services of this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres, or theme songs written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Cara Santa Maria and Eli Bosnick, I'm Heathen Wright, promise to work hard to turn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the Anvil House close. The grocery store attendees swore a blood oath to never again speak of fear. Hahaha. Satan angrily went to Gatorze Center to get his job back and start his next project. Damn took a weekend shift. Even though Bethany said she couldn't switch that weekend, I know that doesn't make sense, but neither did anything else in this fucking movie. Hahaha. And it is the show three. You're ready for my Johnny Cash impersonation. I was going to say you're you're June cash. So get ready. Oh, yeah. You're she was Southern, right?

June Carter, right? Did she have any sort of quirks though? No, it's just you can see how I was. We're just doing doing a really bad Southern accent. Dernier, you're trying to score like that. That's exactly right. Okay. Cool. I cannot believe they love you do these ads. It's so crazy. Oh, you think that's weird?

Get ready for this. Fuck. Okay. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021. All right, reserved. Okay.