God Awful Movies - 299: A Week Away

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

On this week's episode, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of "A Week Away", the story of a kid going to Jesus camp and ... that's pretty much it. There's also bad music. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I love dodgeball, but yeah, I'm also really good at dodgeball. Sorry, I couldn't make it through that sentence. I'm exactly as good at dodgeball as you all. If you need to feel good about yourself, you can pay $200. Make sure on goal I'll play dodgeball with you. I stepped out of my own... ...jim shorts during a dodgeball game. That's how bad I am.

Interesting. Interesting. ...my self during a dodgeball game. Ha ha ha ha ha! God awful... ...movie! Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be This is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Oh, thank you, sir.

May I have another musical? I have had surgery and stuff my first day back to work. Eli, you should watch a Christian musical on your first day back to work. Thank you, Eli, for that. A Christian music jukebox music on my friends. Oh, Jesus. And also joining us for that lovely experience

is veteran guest, Massacus science communicator, extraordinaire and host of the talk, nerdy podcast, Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back. Thanks. Oh, look, I sound happy for a second.

Yeah, right. Right. I was, I was so taken aback. I was just so ready to defend us in our way of making a living against your hatred. And I would just, yeah. That's weird. Through the vibe off. Yeah, right.

So tell us, Cara, what will be breaking down today? Okay. So no lie, but Eli literally forgot to tell me the name of the movie I was supposed to watch. He just kept sending me all caps, text messages that only said Christian musical. And I was like, I hate you so much. And so he sends me the link to the Google doc about a week ago. and I'm like, what's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name?

What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name?

What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name?

What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? lame now because he is a baby. And so I like, I email Heath, and I'm like, Heath, what am I supposed to watch? Think Jebusy answers his emails late at night, because that's when my dumbass realized the title of the movie

is a week away. We watch a week away. All right, well, consider yourself lucky, Cara. This is the first instance in recorded history where Heath promptly responded to a communication of any kind. So truly, we have cracked the code. We really did dodge a bullet.

He likes me more than he likes you guys. Yeah, he's happy. I'm IP doxing. I'm cloning your IP so that I can get answers for me moving. We have been running to planes and I have gotten slower answers than you got from me then right to your email. I'm like, All right, so Eli, now I have to steer things back to the movie we watched. How bad was it? Well, if you loved high school musical, but the stakes were too high and

the songs too related to actual human experience, you will love this movie. I don't know if any of you have ever been to a mega church, but you know how that Christian band leader at a mega church has to like do that weird resistive thing in between songs. Yeah, it's like how we all feel in tonight. Yeah, it's that it's Christian band leader, rest of the team. The musical. Is that real word? I don't think so, but I can't say for sure.

Anytime I hear a word from Eli for the first time, it turns out not to be a word, but, you know, hey, yeah. Tough but fair. Tough but fair. You did misspell best in the best words later. So, you know, yes, I did. So, but we should point out that, so this is on Netflix. A week away, there is nothing that outwardly identifies this as a Christian movie on Netflix, right? This movie does the surprise Christianity gambit.

Like here is the description in its entirety, quote, in this uplifting musical, a troubled teen takes a leap of faith by attending summer camp, and unexpectedly finds love, friends, and a place to belong. So there being coy about it, right? No, but this is overtly Christy when you actually watch it. Oh, yeah, it's all the way Jesus.

So the hope here I think is that mom puts this on for six, seven year old kid without realizing what it is, and we get to evangelize to secular parents with it, right? For sure. Very much has that subversive Christianity feel to it. So other than that,

is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Best worst plot? I mean, no, it's not. You guys have made me watch some terrible movies. I'm channeling. Jimmy Johnny laser. What was his name laser us?

This is definitely not a worse plot than that, but did this movie even have one is the question? I don't know like if it has a plot then the plot was well that was pleasant Yesterday happened Like what the movie is yeah yesterday happened. It has a temporal dimension. I think that's about as close we can say. So I don't even know if I'm going there right because I had best worst temporal setting when the fuck was this movie? I know. Right. So is he like every major actor was given a different decade to pretend the movie was happening in George was clearly in the 80s, Avery was in the 90s, Will was in the 2000s, the movie was set in the modern day. I think. Yeah, very, very hard to tell. Yeah, I'm going to be revisiting that as something of a theme as we go along. And I'm going to go with best worst blooper reel. Now, it's way at the end and it's a little bit of a spoiler, but we should let people know that Todd Packer slash champ from anchor band, David Poacher.

Is that how that names pronounced? Catcher. Catcher. Catcher is in this movie. And at first when I saw him, I was like, oh, I'm so disappointed. David Catcher is in this movie. The blooper reel reveals just how much David Ketchner fucking hated me. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe gosh, I messed up my lines. A David catcher being like, we're losing the fucking lights, Sean. We're losing the fucking light. When I said two takes, I meant it. Yeah, that was honestly

the high point of the film right there. All right. Well, we still haven't quite talked Eli out of singing his entire review for this flick. So we're going to need a minute to, you know, present it with some more charts and arguments, but we'll be back in a flash with all the, oh shit, I forgot we were going from musical that is a week away. Cara, doctors get you're in samples all the time. Nobody ever asks you what you're doing with it. There are just so many reasons why the answer is no. Mean, you're mean.

Hey guys, how's it going? Oh, hey Noah, a new outfit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just figured this would help you stand out around here in the old workplace. Now what a leave and impression, you know? Well, a chicken suit will do that. Yeah, yeah.

Like who's that guy in the chicken? Oh, that's Noah. The people will be like, wow, interesting. Chicken suit. I mean, Noah, if you want what you wear to stand out in a good way, why don't you just try Cuts clothing? What's Cuts clothing? Well, I'm glad you asked because in 2016 Cuts founder Steve Burrelli set out to create

clothes ready for every occasion in the modern man faces. He started by reinventing the t-shirt. The end result with GQ magazine calls the only shirt worth wearing. The signature buttery soft peak up pro tribe lenti? It's a bold new take on a classic design combining the ultimate blend of high quality cotton polyester Spandex. Oh, that does sound nice. Yeah, and wait less itchy than this chicken suit. Yeah, I imagine it is. Each piece of clothing is designed with custom engineered fabric,

expertly graded for the perfect fit, arming you for every challenge and opportunity. Well, but Cara, is it just a lifestyle or is it just clothing? It's not just a lifestyle, it's not just clothing, it's office leisure apparel for the sport of business TM. Get 15% off your first order by going to cutsclothing.com slash gam. That's cutsclothing.com slash gam per 15% off the only shirt worth wearing. All right, Cara. You know what? I'm losing the chicken suit here. You were wearing a tux underneath the chicken suit? Yeah. Well, of course,

because if you have to go somewhere fancy, you can't wear a chicken suit. Of course. Right. So about that sample. Don't know. Me. Pfft.

All right, everyone. Welcome to the first writer's room meeting for a week away. Correct. Praise his name. Now, as you know, we've been lent the very best that 2021's Christian music has to offer. So the goal is to weave those songs into a narrative that the whole family could enjoy.

Amazing. What songs are there? Oh, let's see. We've got best thing ever. Good enough. Our God is an awesome God. So, wait, I'm sorry. Do we have just songs about generally having a nice time and being fond of God? Actually, let me check that. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Yeah, that is pretty much all of them.

Okay, okay, so what about a movie where people enjoy camp and you know, talk about how much they like God? For the whole movie? Okay, so I don't take this the wrong way, but that seems kind of just sacrient and pointless. Yeah, I just don't really yeah, okay, well then maybe oh Sorry guys just got a text Netflix just bought the movie Based on this conversation. Yeah, I wasn't even in communication with them But yes, it appears so all right. That's a win. I hate us. Yeah me too

us. Yeah, me too. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start on some fun stop motion packing video over a sample of what we can expect from this movie's original music. Cause like some of the like there's like four or five original songs in this the rest of it is just like Christian earworms from the 90s and shit, but the original music is so terribly written in every imaginable way. The opening rhyme of this entire movie is change and same. Yeah, no, those words don't rhyme. Nope, it's like the lyricist is trying to get know it a punch him. Oh yeah, change and same. Yeah, no, the second rhyme is this and forget the third

fucking line. They managed to rhyme two and you. That's the first time they actually hit one and it stayed hinge of an eight year old's love. Oh, am I okay? Jesus Christ. This is also where I sustained pretty tremendous trauma. There is a paga Pegasus sticker. And I got so fucking pumped that someone was going to be into pugs or paga Pegasus's or something like that. They will only be mentioned once more in the entire movie. There will never be anything pug related in the rest of the film. So I spent a tremendous amount of my notes in the early part of this film,

just being like, you could still turn it around depending on how much a pug a peg is. What is a pug a peg a kiss? It's a pug a peg a sis. It's an animal that should be called a pug a sis because that actually works right. Just a pug a sis. It's a fucking flying pug. But Eli's decided to just call the pug a pegacorn. And he's and he's he's sticking with that. He's yeah, Pugga Pegasus is not roll off the tongue. Nope. Pugga is just however, yeah. It's a very important part of our brand.

I one way or the other, I feel like we can sue. Yeah, exactly. This is okay. So yeah, and this is of course where we learned that David Ketchner also known as that guy from that thing is in the movie. They've got your so good and this bumps me out so much. Like, what are the odds that he's actually Christian? Well, this is not the first time we've seen him in one of our movies.

Oh, really? Yes. But also, your Todd Packer. So who, who's like, hey, can we get the guy most famous for humping Michael Scott every time he bays over for a fashion team comedy? You're so right. Well, and he's also, he was also in faith based, which made fun of Christian movies more or less.

So, yeah. So mostly he's just a hobag. Yeah. Yeah. And like, that's fair. So like, David, what did you run out of office money and anchor man money? I don't believe you. Yeah.

How do you run out of office and anchor man money? Yeah. No. There's only so much cocaine you can do a day, David. I don't, you didn't need this. You didn't need this. You could have had just a regular yacht. It didn't need to be a mega yacht.

David, I feel like David does not have a yacht. But, you know, I'm dead. I don't want to be judged. Yeah, I don't have a yacht either. So, okay. So, but eventually we get paroled from those credits and we cut to the most culturally blind and a loop fucking opening you can imagine. It's a white kid running from a cop whose cop car he just stole not getting shot, right?

Yeah. This could not be more tone death if he ran past a black kid being beaten to death by different police officers. Jesus, you're so right. You're so right. So bad. I wrote my notes, oh, this is one of those musicals. They can't do a black reboot of like the Wiz because it would be three seconds. So, Jesus Christ.

Yeah. And the cop is like such a caricature of a cop. He's like an 80s pornocop with a big mustache. Yeah, it's so bad. Well, and that really like, so the whole movie, I'm trying to figure out when the fuck this movie is set, right, because when we see people packing, they're one kid's packing a Ferris Bueller shirt,

the safe Ferris shirt, another kid's packing a Polaroid camera, and I'm like, oh, okay. And then we see that, like, that 80s porn stash on the cop. And I'm like, oh, okay. So yeah, this is an 80s movie, but then it wasn't. No, it was like modern day. No.

But you know what's weird? See, this is the thing, because we're old now. But young kids dress, like 80s and 90s now. Do they really? Yeah. Yeah, it's like those are back in style. More 90s than 80s. So it's kind of weird that they set, like, an 80s and 90s now. Do they really? Yeah, it's like those are back in style. More 90s than 80s. So it's kind of weird that this had like an 80s player.

I can see why you just skimp over the 80s when it comes to rest. I was teaching some young people this year and one of them had a side ponytail. And I was like, oh my gosh, that's so funny is that for the thing you're doing in class today? And she said, no, it's retro and vintage. And I said, fuck you.

And that was your pause for I realized that was talking to a child. No, yeah, all right, that's something. So I learned something about the youngins recently. When you guys are telegraphing that you're on the phone, or you're like communicating to somebody phone. How do you hold your hand to your head? You do the pinky thumb extension.

Pinky thumb, right? Pinky thumb. No fucking sense to a modern kid. They young people don't do that. They do like, their hand is like, it's holding an iPhone. Yeah, and they generally in front of their chin or some weird shit. It's weird. They hold their hand like a half cup situation. And so if you do the pinky thumb thing, they're like, oh,

you're old. Yep. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm just unapologetically fucking old. I'm telling them. I'm the reason I'm doing that is because I'm telling them I'm going to call the cops to get them off my lawn, you know? No runs his finger in a half circle over and over again. But they know he's using rotary like he's. Yeah, he's like, I just tell the operator what number I want to call. All right. But so, but so then this, this impossible, this fucking testament to white privilege ends with this kid who just stole a police car for a joy ride being taken to the fucking principal's office for it. Yeah, that was weird. It was like he said, in child and family services, sitting in a waiting room, and then they call him into disguise, it looks like the principal's office.

There's like kids art on the wall. Yeah. And he's like, we're going to have a stern conversation, child. And they do that thing that Christian movies and kids movies in general do where they don't like don't know what a kid who bounces around foster care has been through. So like this rebellious kid who just can't stop playing his guitar has apparently been in 22 foster homes. Oh my God.

First of all, that would never happen. That's an awful lot. Yeah. Yeah. Also, like, I worked in a group home. And at this point, basically, they're like, the first thing. Also, like, I worked in a group home. And at this point, basically, they're like, the first thing he says is like, I'm sorry, but you stole a cop car. That's we on the pale. We're going to have to send you to a facility. And he goes, don't send me

to Juvee in his like, Juvee, it is. And then in the next breath, he goes, a group home is your last option. And I'm like, those are two very different things. Juvee is juvenile detention. That's jail. Right. That's part of the criminal justice system. A groupve is juvenile detention. That's jail. Right. That's part of the criminal justice system. A group home is a home that you live in. It's a home. Yeah. And they're like, it's the last option.

And I'm like, no, it's not. A group home is actually a pretty good option. That's where kids who haven't been placed in foster homes go. I worked in group homes. Group homes are pretty, pretty okay. I mean, they have their problems, but the worst option is a lockdown facility. Yeah, right. Not a group homes. Group homes are pretty, pretty okay. I mean, they have their problems, but the worst option is a lockdown facility.

Yeah, right. I grew up home. Not only could it be worse, it should be worse, but that's when the stupid fucking plot of this movie comes stumbling in, right? Because he has to go talk to Kristen and it turns out that instead of going to juvenile detention where he, again, very much should be going, they're

going to send him to a summer camp for a week. And we should be clear, not a summer camp that specializes in like discipline, no, not just a normal summer. You have a choice. You can either go to juvenile detention, aka a group home. Yeah. Avonile detention aka a group home. Yeah, exactly camp that we assume other parents are paying for And let's point out that like this movie they don't tell the kid that it's a Christian camp They're just like you want to go to summer camp and he's like and of course

Well, it's because it's this stupid fucking movie. He's like, I don't know juvenile prison or summer camp. Oh, Jesus is a tough decision. Oh, and he actually turns it down at first. Yeah, I'm not a camp type. Yeah. Really bro. Are you a prison type? No.

Oh, and this is the first point where I realized this kid went to like an acting coach and the acting coach was like, okay, you're not very good. So you need to look sad and serious. Sometimes just raise your eyebrow really high. And what is with this kid's weird one eyebrow that's like excessively raised over the other one? It's like it's trying to escape the movie. But yes, but while he's rooting over the decision between juvenile detention and camp, he

starts a song. Yeah. All right. And this is where in the middle of his fucking song, Kristen, that's the foster mom that comes in and the one who's going to be a foster mom that comes in and takes him to the camp. Oh, yeah, you just gave away the whole fucking movie. No, didn't die.

The didn't die. Yeah, I gave away the fucking the surprise ending. But she just pulls a Bible out of her ass and takes over his song and she's like, no, this is a Jesus song. He's like, really? This is it. Okay. We're doing a. Uh-huh. She's the chick. Is she like in the view or the talk or one of those shows? Like, I recognize her. She's like a big actress. Is she? Yes. All right. To me, I have her constantly in my notes is like her and David Ketcher were hired on the same day. They were both told they were wacky comic relief. Yeah. Just competed for it in the same scenes at the same moments for the rest of the film.

I'm looking her up right now. A week away cast. Yeah. Y'all, that's Sherry Shepherd from the view. Okay. Yeah. She's like a really big actress. Also, by the way, I'm looking at away cast. Yeah, y'all, that's Sherry Shepard from The View. Okay. Yeah, she's like a really big actress. Also, by the way, I'm looking at the cast, guess who else is in this movie? Amy Grant. Yes.

Oh, that's right. I saw her in the blooper reel. That's right. I never would have recognized that that was Amy Grant. She walks across the background of this film for three seconds because she loves Jesus and they wanted to use one of her songs. Yeah, two of her songs actually. Yeah. But yeah, but so this song takes us all the way to camp, right? So they they sing their way onto the bus and they sing their way back off of the bus. It's all about how much they love

their savior Jesus. And this is sure going to be a nifty week. And that's when our main character, the troubled and brooding will seize the love interest. Right. Now, and we know she's a slow motion, right? That's how we know that she's attracted. I don't get this love interest at all. Well, it's wonderful because this is a Christian movie. So they can't be like he wants to fuck her. They will kiss by the end of the movie, which I guarantee you so many angry Christian dads and moms turned off this movie at that

point, but like they can't do the like meatcute because they're just like, hello friend, friendly friend, friend, friend Christian movies. So all the beats are weirdly paced as a result. Now I will say, in defense of this musical number, I have been on buses filled with musical theater children now multiple times in my life. This number is pretty accurate as to what that experience there are in prompt to kick lines. Yeah, no, yeah. All I wrote was, oh, yay gay kids. Cause I'm like, finally, oh, let me hit you with this all pitch. Troubled kid gets sent to gay conversion camp, but he's not gay. Leaves a revolution helps everyone get out of camp.

Much better movie. Well, so honestly, there were so many times when that's what this movie played like. You know, we'll get to it, but there's a scene in there where I was like, Oh my God, that's where David catcher's going with this. But yeah. Oh, interesting. But yeah. And the other thing that I hate about the way we introduce Avery, the love interest here is that we, he just sees her, right? And he's like, yep, I'm in love with her now. I have never spoken with her and have no idea who she is. I will pine for her and follow her around like a fucking dog for the rest of this movie. And she will then of course owe me affection for

my dedication, right? Also, like, there's something about her like sits weird with me. I don't know what it is. She's adorable. She's not hot by any stretch. Well, she can't because it's Christian. Yeah. Right. Also, we're talking about children. So, like, you know, keep that in mind. Well, she's 22 when they found this. She probably is. But here's the thing, like they cast Bizarro Zac Efron. Yeah. To be the least doubtful of it.

Like he's clearly Bizarro Zac Efron. And he's probably, he's playing a kid, but he's probably like 19, or he looks like 19. They cast this girl Avery who looks 12. Yeah. He looks like a sex predator. It is a very weird dynamic because he definitely looks like an old teenager on his way to college.

It definitely looks like middle school is hard. Yeah. And then, and then, and then we meet the bad guy who is not bad at all. No, he's like a perfectly good bad guy. I love him. I think he's like, he's like what my friend calls, ugly hot.

Okay. She makes this distinction between ugly hot and hot ugly. So ugly hot is, you know how some people think that like Benedict Cumberbatch is hot, but he's like ugly. So he's like ugly hot. And then so like a lot of people think Bradley Cooper's hot, but I think he looks like

a red face drunk. So to me, he's like hot ugly. Like he's supposed to be hot, but I don't find him attractive. And then ugly hot is like guys that shouldn't be attractive, but you're like, he's weirdly hot. I don't get it. They say, and Narwhal kit is ugly hot is what you're saying. Narwhal kit is ugly hot.

He's like a mix. Okay. So for people who are never going to watch this movie, right now, channel in your head because you need a visual image while we talk about this guy. A mix between Anders Holm. I don't know if you know who Andersen on the season that show Workaholics. And I don't know how to pronounce his name. Is it Dom Nole Gleason? The guy from Brooklyn. Okay, yes. Yeah. Like the Irish Scottish British. I love him. He's right. It doesn't he look just like a mix between the two? He acts like Anders, but looks like him. And I'm weirdly attracted He's so right. Doesn't he look just like him? It's between the two of us. He acts like Anders, but looks like him.

And I'm weirdly attracted to the bad guy. Yeah. Well, and also like you said, he's never bad in any way, right? Like he's perfectly nice. Yeah. When we meet him, he's a little self-righteous about the mission trip to save the narwholes that he was on. But like honestly, it's in terms of Christian mission trips, like that's about as good

as you're ever going to find, right? It wasn't like he wasn't trying to convert anybody. Right. He was just trying to do some ecology. Yeah, exactly. Also, our protagonist is a criminal who's been kicked out of 22 fucking hospitals. Oh, yeah, this kid sure does talk about his environmentalism too quickly. Yeah. Yeah, this kid sure does talk about his environmentalism too quickly.

Yeah. Meanwhile, our heroes committing grand theft auto and we're supposed to be like, you rap scallion. Yeah. You're right. And so the bad guys, I just got back from the, but he said Arctic and that made me crazy because they are sick. I'm like, you see Arctic, not the Arctic.

It's the fucking Arctic. But he's like, I just got back from the Arctic where I was working to save the narwhals. And hero kid is literally like, I just got back from the Arctic where I was working to save the narwhals, and Hero Kid is literally like, I thought those were mythical. What? Why? Just, why are we, okay, yeah, right? What the fuck are you doing?

What a boring fucking myth. Not just a boring myth, but also, what a crazy thing to have your protagonist say, and then never acknowledge again. Hey, our seals real. Yeah. And we're gonna have the best summer. I know. And then Avery's like, he's dumb. I like him. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Well, and the thing is just that, okay, so this is all apparently happening during the song. Right. So a fucking will spins Avery into his arms and he's about to say hi

to her when the bad kid comes up and talks about his narwhals and shit. We have this whole conversation. It takes so fucking long that when they jump back into the music, we're all like, Oh, God, this is still the song. Right? So let's code a more reprise at this point. I wrote, if this camp was trapped inside some kind of hellish loop where they have to sing this song over and over and over. And I protected it. That's to fight his way out. This is a way better movie. And so as they're walking away from this song too, I just have to point out this line.

Will says to George, who is the, the friend kid that he's coming to the camp with the token black guy in the movie. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. So he says to George, he's like, Hey, man, you didn't tell me this was church camp. And I'm like, Hey, man, that's significant. Since he was sentenced to be here by the state, essentially, right? That makes this illegal. Oh, yeah. So right.

That's our relevant first amendment violation. That's the first one, you guys. We have all teams of lawyers. That's what the ACLU like is founded on like what's going on? Yeah, the first picture of this movie, he was a Muslim kid, but yeah, they get that one. I don't want to go to feed out. All right. So and this is where we meet David Ketchner. Now, I was never, I never really watched the office. So I went to this guy's IMDB page for so fucking long looking for

something that I'd seen that he was in. I was there for say because he's in like 6,000 things. I was like, okay. Oh, yeah. He's a very, very, very like well established working actor. Like he cannot be this hard up for money. Yeah. Thank you. No, his IMDB page is so long. I felt like I was procrastinating just going through it. So yeah, but we meet him and Kristen, the Georgia's mom, the woman from the view comes up and says, Hey, I just wanted to let you know that this kid will is going to be the main character of the movie. I have a file on him that may or may not be important later. Yeah, we'll just put it right here out on the desk for everyone to see. Yeah, we'll just leave it right here. And at one point in their conversation, she says, what do you have planned for the Tribunal

tonight? I love that part. Sorry, I would like more details on the Tribunal. Can I get more details on the Tribunal? This movie will mention the Tribunal. I would say three or four times before letting us know what it is. It may be very nervous. Well, it's better than the worst thing you feared.

It was going to be, but not as good as the best thing you hoped it was going to be. Very fair. But of course this scene ends with, so Will is the main character, huh? Are we putting him in the weird cabin? And I like, yep, the weird cabin. So we cut to the weird cabin. It's a cabin.

It's just a regular fucking get the squirrels. It's actually a really nice cabin. It has a TV. I never had a TV in summer. It's like two regular fucking get the squirrels. It's actually a really nice cabin. It has a TV. I never had a TV a summer camp. It's like two people to a room. I never only had two people to a room. Well, sometimes it's two people to a room and then sometimes it's much larger as the,

as the plot needs it to be, but also like the TV is from 1978 though, right? Still, it has a TV. No, I'm with you. I don't know what you would do with the TV from that time, but yeah, that's what's Paris Fuehlers day off. Well, yeah, if you got a VCR to look out to it. Yeah, if tacky stuffed animals, which is what they show us in the cabin, make a cabin scary, then literally every cabin I've ever been in is a horror movie. Oh, yeah. Wait, to be clear, he doesn't mean tacky stuffed animals. He means tacky taxidermy, like, yes.

Not like teddy bears and shit. Right, but still like the walls of a cracker barrel are way more terrifying than this cap, right? Yeah, absolutely. As well as the residents. Yeah, we also, I didn't point this out at the time, but because Will doesn't want everybody to know that he's the criminal bad boy kid, which bullshit, man, as a fucking criminal bad boy, ever you wanted everybody to know about, well, that's

why you did that kind of shit. And also he's barely a criminal. Right. Exactly. It's not even very impressive. Yeah. Crimes really compared to me and Cara. Yeah, they're all like petty, like, misdemeanors.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We've killed, kid. Me and Cara, we've murdered him. Exactly. Come on. Little racketeering, something across state lines. Exactly. We've killed kid me and Carol. We've murdered him. Yeah, exactly. So A little racketeering something across state lines. Yeah, exactly.

But in any rate, so he lied to the other kids when he met him and said that he was George's cousin. And of course, that's supposed to be hilarious because once white and the others black and how could that happen? But obviously you could just marry somebody who is a different race than you. But of course, in this movie's eyes, that's just, you know, a bottomless well of humor. That's wacky.

And then of course, in this scene where we're checking into the cabin, this is where we introduce George's love interest, hot girl, but wearing glasses so she's inert. Yeah. Presley Elizabeth Borzki. Oh, I's inert. Yeah. Pressly Elizabeth Borzki. Oh, I like her. Yeah, he introduces her, she loves everything pug. So I was like, this is my favorite character in the movie. And then he says she has seven and a half narrow shoes

and I was like, okay, Quentin Tarantino. Yeah. I can't wait. He did get weird. The foot fetish thing was weird. And like there were some like mommy issues going on like I don't know it was on it made me uncomfortable. Well, it was weird to introduce it and then never go back to it, right? Like if you're going to make us that uncomfortable at least that has to be

a plot point or something, but yeah, and then of course they have the conversation where will is like, well, I'm into that girl Avery, what do I have to do to impress her? He's like, oh, you'll have to pretend that you're not you That could be the plot of a bad movie Yeah, also this is the point where I realized that Will has like a forearm tattoo for no reason And I'm like is it just that the actor had a forearm tattoo and they didn't want to cover it or are they trying to make him look like a Badass because it's not a badass forearm tattoo I can barely tell what it is like is it a feather? It's very unclear. Yeah, yeah, definitely looked like something

from the comic book that he really likes. I don't know, but. Yeah, it's like, there's nothing bad about it. It's just kind of like a cute sort of feminine forearm tattoo. And so you're like, okay, I get it, but it doesn't further the plot at all. No, I think though in the eyes of the people making this movie, that

bad assifies him though. They any tattoo is bad assified in their minds, right? But of course, anything that was truly bad ass would be too edgy for the movie. So, right, right. So okay. So but now George has dressed well like a dork. So he looks like a Christian now and they venture off into the camp where they have to like sign up for various events. Okay. So one of the activities, one of the activities they are offered is zip lining. And I literally would have stopped my notes right here in protest. This is where my microphone would click off. And it would be the Noah and Carish. Oh, If they had chosen zip lining, but they do not, no, play paintball. No, wait, why? Tell me what's going on with you. Eli Hayes. I don't want to talk about it.

Zip lining. It's, it's as part of his desperate effort to have a personality on the show. It's weird. It's, it's a weird. What is it about? He does it. Is he afraid of it? It's okay. He's not here. He's not here anymore. No, we can just talklime it. Does he hate me now? It's part of my dark and mysterious backstory. Oh, that's what it's part of his dark and mysterious backstory. I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like. I kind of like Zipline. Does he hate me now?

It's part of my dark and mysterious backstory. Oh, that's what it's part of his dark and mysterious backstory you see, yes. Oh, did he fall off a Zipline one? Yeah. Oh no. First of all, that's a very funny image and I'm very mad at you for putting it in every one of that.

The higher I fall from the funny here it is and you know it, Cara Santa Maria, you know it. So they don't zip line, they find that the girls are at the paint ball. And here's where I have this anger, starting to well up in me, because in every movie where they try to make the nerds, the nerds, they make them these awful stereotypes,

but it's very clear to me, and maybe this is because I'm a nerd, but it's very clear to me that they're by far the most interesting characters, even on accident. Yep. And that the cool kids are like so utterly boring. So like, will and avry are like, we're hot,

but we're also kind of dumb, and we have nothing interesting to say. And then the nerds have all these like quirks, and they have like all these interesting things to say to each other, and they're clearly hotter. Right, yeah. It's gonna be honest. and they're clearly hotter. Right. Yeah. Like let's be honest, they're both clearly hotter. Well, and not only that, but they're so much better at singing.

Yeah. They're going way better at singing and dancing and everything. And like, so here is where George is like, I'm really into this girl, Presley, and Will's like, what are you doing? Anything about it? And he's like, last year I wrote her a letter every day. And I never got around to sending them. And Will's like, well, maybe do anything about it? And he's like, last year I wrote her a letter every day. Now, it never got around to sending them. And Will's like, well, maybe you should invest in some stamps.

And I'm like, hello, what? You is it again. Right. Right. Yes. Who sends letters with stamps? When you could use stamps.com. Yeah, right.

Exactly. What's. So, but yeah, so would they go up to the booth, George Heath flirts with Presley for a minute, which is adorable. Right. And again, it's like, like you said, like the, honestly, the story, if the story is George and Presley, it's a much more interesting story.

Wait, what is Heath's story, by the way? Can we talk about him? Well, he's not here. Oh, good. Not, not and stay on pace on the show. I don't think that's a long conversation. Fine, fine. But now it's time for another song. George and Presley are going to sing the duet of,

you know, I really like them, but I don't want to, I'm too nervous to talk to them. Song. Okay. So this is one of the first moments in the musical where they have a Christian song that's like, God made you just the way you're supposed to be. But they're trying desperately to make it about the thing. So they'll be like, I don't know who I should be and I don't know what I should do. God made you just fine. And what it plays as because they're trying to combat this plot with the actual lyrics of the Christian song is that the reason they like each other is because they were created in God's image. I love how Jesus made your dimples. I honestly, I think, I think this is an original song and that is what they're trying to say. I don't, but I don't know for sure because everything

is so dumb in this movie. Oh, at one point they're singing singing like they're doing that like very classic musical singing into each other's open mouths things. Like come on, someone start chanting fight, fight, fight. Side note, people hate it when you do that at the first dance at the wedding. It is very funny, but they are not cruel about it. Oh, yeah. So we listened to another one of these terrible fucking songs. And this is where we learned, of course, that George of all of the characters in this movie, the actor that plays George, has just a wonderful singing voice. And I was like, anytime he was singing, the movie was actually pretty enjoyable for me. Yeah, like this actually is like a cut rate high school musical.

Like, I even wrote here, like, are the actual actors singing? Because they're not half bad. This would actually be not a terrible movie, it would be perfectly fine like kids movie, but they literally spoil it with a bunch of random, arbitrary Jesus references that don't further the plot. Right. It's just like everything's normal and secular

and then they're like, Jesus! And you're like, why'd you do that? Right. But why'd you do that? Well, and also it would have allowed them to like use good songs instead of Christian songs when they were going out to like glee some shit here. But yeah.

Yeah. But so then that song ends in the bad guy kid shows up again to talk random shit about how he can ski down the mountain faster than this asshole over here. Right? Like he's got to talk some shit on behalf of team blue. Wait, now I get it. I think they're trying to make this like one of those classic, who's that director from the did all the 80s movies?

John Hughes. Yes, this is like a John Hughes movie they're going for. And he is just like all the bad guys in John Hughes movies. He's just like slightly more confident than everybody else and that makes him bad. Yeah, exactly. And he just says, help yourself with steam. And the fact that he's ugly, hot helps.

Yeah. Yeah, he's ugly, hot. Oh, I'm in it. I'm in it. Yeah. So, but yeah, but this is where he's like, talks shit about, he's like, you know, I'm part I'm the captain of team blue. You're probably going to end up on team green or some lame shit like that.

Oh, yeah, he's like, we're the apostles. Yeah, the zooer apostles. Yeah. Just once in these movies where they're like, we're team apostles. Yeah, the zooer apostles. Yeah. Just once in these movies where they're like, we're team blue. Well, I'm team red and gee, I hope you end up on team red. I want the protagonist to be put on the villains team a quarter of the way through the movie. And just like Harry Potter gets put in slither and it's like, oh, fuck, I've been hanging out with this.

That's really other kids. That's up to movie. Oh, yeah. Yes. Well, but, okay, but yes, now it's time to do the fucking sorting hat scene, which, what, you know, what? The tribunal. Why not add a little extra cultural appropriation as we go?

This is so wildly uncomfortable, right? Okay. So much of this is wildly uncomfortable. He starts this by saying, newbies rise. And can I just say quick PSA, whenever anyone says that, don't do it. That's never a good, there's never a good thing after someone says newbies rise. No, and look, he's sorting hat them as Noah said. And look, the sorting hat is problematic enough unto itself, but I definitely wouldn't be comfortable

with a guy based system, right? The only thing worse than a hat creating a race war is a random dude being like, and you're in this part of the race war. You're in this part of the race war. Oh, not a random dude. David Ketchner. Yeah. Yeah.

Dressed up as Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Right. And also he's trying to do a Braveheart thing, but he refuses to put on a Scottish accent. So he just goes like, I'm David Ketchner. I'm David Ketchner. And I'm like, that's still your voice. Well, and older. It's just louder.

The fact that he doesn't do a Scottish accent makes it way easier to interpret this as cultural appropriation of a Native American rituals, right? Well, which they do later, by the way, because they call the camp. Do you guys remember the name of the camp? Oh, We go way. Oh, We go of the camp? Oh, we go away. Oh, we go away, yes.

Oh, we go away, which like is so racist and also makes no sense. Just call your camp a week away. Right, no, but yeah, right, right, but you have to change it so that it is, like that again, that's literally text but cultural appropriation. Yeah, they native Americanified caricatured,

native Americanified, a perfectly good call the camp a week away. It's a week away from life where we can all get together and do whatever the fuck we do here. But instead they're like, oh, we go away, you'll we go away and I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, right. Fuck you.

It's a Christian movie. If they don't work in the racism, they lose a star from dove or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Puriflex throws in an extra 25 bucks. Also, can we be clear? This tribunal is this color ceremony where they're like, you're on the blue team. They're all already wearing those colored t-shirts when they walk.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious who's going to be on which team. So yeah, but they sort of into three teams. Team blue team red team green will is on team green with George. The love interest is team red, the bad guy is team blue. And then all three teams are going to have themselves a rap battle. Yeah, they are. And this is where, because like up until now, I was like, Oh, this is just a music call. And this is where the movie was like, no, no, no, Eli, we belong on God awful movies.

And I was like, yes, you do. How many versus are you going to give each of these white kids? Three, three. Okay, cool. Thank you so much, movie. Oh, God. Yeah. No, given the stellar rhyming we've gotten so far, my expectations were super high for this one. At one point. So they, they're doing couplets at each other. And at one point, the intro line for one of the teams is, you like our style. You like the way we rock. And I wrote in my

notes, so help me God. If this doesn't rhyme with suck my cock, and they rhyme it with can't be stopped. Yes, yes, my God, yeah,

they go for can't go on. Like this is the most wrong. White kid rat battle. I've ever seen in my entire life. There is no eight mile at all.

No. And you, and at one point, they're like, they're, you know, they're like trading quote insults. And the girl says, God loves us more. Yes. Is that legit Christian insult? Do they go around and be like, the rat battle ends with a call to G. I am the chosen people they all pull out machetes okay Christian movie

Yeah, right well you like clearly shits about to get violent at camp a week Oh, hey, so we're gonna pause to let tempers cool, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of a week away So if you could just mention to he's how fun bathing is, you know, I just I know he really looks up to you I feel like I'm really the wrong person for this. Okay, but could you try? Oh Noah Kara you do not want to go in there The the studio why not oh because it is rigged to explode What why did you do that? I specifically told you guys to stop planting bombs around me.

As a prank? Yeah, you did say as a prank. Yeah, and this isn't a prank, it's for my blenders. Your blenders? Yeah, I'm talking about blenders I wear, and you're going to be just as hooked when you see how awesome these shades are. I got my Nadi Ice Limes X2 and they're perfect for tooling around town, but they're so cool that I had to walk away from an explosion in slow motion while I was wearing them.

I mean, your blenders do look cool. Yeah, and unlike expensive big brand shades that you probably lost or smashed in the past, blenders are actually affordable. So you're not going to cry as much when the inevitable happens. Cool and affordable. And not just sunglasses. Blanders has prescription glasses, readers and blue lights, as well as a snow collection with goggles and accessories. Okay, I'm sold. Where do I get a pair? Score 15% off your Blanders purchase. Visit blendersiware.com and enter the promo code Awful VIP. That's blendersiware.com code Awful for 15% off blenders rocked with pride worldwide. Now you guys want to walk with me in slow motion away from an explosion?

Not really. Dude, we live here. See, this is why my explosions are prank based. Okay. Hey podcast listener. As you may know, this month is matrion. That's right. Once every couple of years, we take a few shows in a row to remind you that without your

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Okay, those are real things, but I do not have them. I do work in a cancer ward, so this is seriously fucked up. But without your money, she can no longer afford the medicine that keeps her alive day to day. That's right. She will literally die because of you. Guys, you don't have to do this. People love our show.

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Oh, really good. Well, I'm so ashamed. Yeah. Well, you heard them, everybody, pledge what you can for my cancer medicine. Otherwise, I'll die. Nice. Of the cancer I have. I want that nice coffee machine I told you guys about.

You got it, yeah. The white one. The white it when you got it. Yep And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna open up the morning after the tribunal with David catcher giving the morning announcements Will wakes up very grumpy this is it this is so fucking random He wakes up going like I can't but I don't want to be here. It's like up up until now You seem to have been having a wonderful time But I don't want to be here. It's like up until now you seem to have been having a wonderful time. Yeah, he might as well say at this point in the movie, I'm not quite familiar.

Exactly. For the purposes of this scene, I am quite grumpy. But this is where we learn that there's a talent show on the last day. And oh my God, so badly, I wanted them to get to the talent show and he can't play guitar or sing. For that would be amazing. You catch Eli, how many times do you watch these movies? Because you always make these references like this is the first time we find out about and I'm like, we did. Yeah, right.

I didn't hear that. I don't know there's a talent show until the talent show is happening. Yeah, I see. You get extra time with the movies when you're the one who doesn't edit any of the podcast. Did you notice that he like the main character will is wearing like an unreasonable amount of makeup the whole movie? I did. He's airbrushed. It it reaches RuPaul's drag race levels. It does. He's he's airbrushed in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. Yeah. Cosmopolitan magazine would no longer put this kid on their cover.

Yeah. And too much. This is a movie trope, but it's also just a camp trope. And this is where I wondered, are there camps that start at noon? Because that like, seems like it could be fun. And you know what? I'm going to start a summer camp that's actually fun. Good afternoon campers. Welcome to Camp Boss. I see you all woke up whenever the fuck you wanted to because this is supposed to be enjoyable.

First, some quick announcements. The fuck dome is being cleaned from 12 to 2. So, to not go in there and try to fuck the cleaning staff. I mean, yes, some of them will stay till after 2 to get fucked and that is confusing, but you know, janitorial staff like to fuck to everybody, okay? Ha, alright, next up lunch today is normal food that is fine because if you can get together a kitchen it's really not hard to make food that's enjoyable for lots of people. Like, people make good food in regular, small kitchens, why would an industrial camp kitchen for some reason be less good at making food. And finally, tonight, we will be doing drugs, not illegally, or like behind a cabin in the desperate hope of not getting caught. We're just going to do some nice drugs in the woods

because drugs are fun and they're especially fun in the woods. So I'll see you all tonight. I don't know that that merited but doodly do Eli. I want to do drugs in the woods. Thank you, Cara. Okay. All right, so drugs in the woods this night. We'll follow up on that of course

but we cut to them at lunch and the food here I can't sure isn't very good. I don't know about you. I don't know much care. But how many one hour photo? That's do you need? So what's the deal with airplane? Yeah, exactly. But this is where they start the five minutes chant where they play the exposition game with Will. Yeah, I wrote my notes because it's called five minutes of heaven. I wrote my notes. Does he have to jerk off for them?

Cause I would nail the same throw. I would nail this. I would nail this. hashtag skeletonor.gith. Like I'm ready. I would get myself kicked out of camp and not understand this game. We're gonna ask your favorite color man, put your penis back. Um, yeah, the question is here.

Okay, so let me explain what's supposed to happen because I watched this scene three times. I watched the movie twice, but I watched the scene three times because I was so baffled by it. He's supposed to be giving incredibly charming and interesting answers. However, this is a Christian movie, charming and interesting or against their religion. So his answers are like, my favorite color is green and he doesn't have a favorite book of the Bible. Well, so, right, so first of all, the questions are like they're doing a piece on him for teen beat and also they ask his favorite movie and he says Twilight.

Okay. Again, when is this movie? Oh, yeah, I don't know. I was like, are the Christians okay with Twilight now? Cause when it came out, y'all were really good. Yeah, they did not like the Twilight. Yeah, right, good question. But yeah, and then they ask him this favorite book

of the Bible and they have the whole, Humana, Humana, oh, I just, I don't, I don't, and like come on, there is literally no Christian I've ever met that could give you a reasonable answer for that. Yeah, true, yeah, yeah. And also he pulls the whole like, I could never choose, because they're also good in one of the characters. It's like, that's a great answer.

I'm satisfied. Yeah. And then it's like 30 seconds later and they're like, okay, you're done. Yeah, it's a 64 second, five minutes, yes. That's a great answer. No, it's not. If someone says they like Leviticus,

they are going to murder you. No one who's ever said, I like Leviticus is not about to stab you with a sickle. Oh, yeah. No, if I am dying for say, I will say like Ezekiel or something like that, you know, and just look at the look on their faces, right? He just stares avery in the eyes, song of songs and she just starts nodding. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know. I'll uncover your feet.

I'm gonna say. Ha ha ha ha. Book of Amos, what? Also at this point, the bad guy is the one hosting this five minutes in heaven hell or whatever the weird thing is. And he's again, perfectly nice. Right.

He's totally nice. Everyone's just really nice. He's not a bad guy at all. This movie confuses the fuck out of me. He's making the new kid the center of attention and making sure that everybody knows that, hey man, this kid is like from a, not around here and doesn't know you guys.

Yeah. Let's all get to know him, show him how much we support him. I'm a nice guy. Yeah. Let's all get to know him, show him how much we support him. I'm a nice guy. Yeah. Well, and Will is a dick, because the bad kid, showing his question, is are you good at sports? And then Will goes, well, if awesome is good, then yes.

Yeah, like we're with this movie. Check ass, what a fucking dick. That's what you write for a cartoon character before someone hands them a giant round black bomb and But then so right after that's over David Ketchner's like, excuse me main character I think we need to have a one-on-one and I okay, so he takes him outside and he's like hey I noticed that your favorite movie was Twilight and I'm like, oh my god, it is a gay conversion therapy camp. Right.

Like, if this seems so played, like, that's what was about to happen. I'd like to pray with you, brother. But no, I was like, oh, really movie, you're judging Twilight. At least people came to Twilight, okay? Who did you make come a week away? Nobody. That's who. But yeah, by the the conversation that they have is meaningless, right? Like, there nothing is exchanged. Oh, like the entire movie. Well, yeah, true.

The only explanation for this scene is that these actors improvised it in front of a still running camera in the hopes of like getting crafty for the day. I don't even know what scene we're talking about at this point. It's when he takes him outside and he's like, Hey, I want you to know I know your backstory, but it's okay. And don't worry about it. And he's like, cool. That scene happened.

We didn't even write about this scene. I don't even remember this scene. Well, it's also the scene where they explain that a week away name. Yeah, really what I was focusing on. Yeah, right. But that scene ends. Everybody's filing out of lunch. They all have to stop until Will how great his answers were to the 64 second five minute game. Every beauty is very impressed. And this is where they have the whole like, oh, and we're all going to compete in the warrior games and team green is going to do better than team red ooh, and of course we have to bring that up so that we can dive into the whole he loves to blob scene. Oh, it's the whole scene where like somebody goes like oh I bet you're going to do really good on the love interest. You love the blob and will not knowing what that even means.

It's like, I also love the blob and I'm good at that thing. Right, but the best part about it is related to the movie is it never pays off, right? The thing is supposed to be, I love the blob and then he's bad at the blob, but he just like goes and tries the blob and he's like, yeah, that was kind of fun. Yeah.

And then they never reference it again. No, no, no. They never compete. We never see the and tries the blob and he's like, yeah, that was kind of fun. Yeah, they never reference it again No, no, they never compete. We never see the girl near the blob nobody else blobs It's just an excuse for them to she calls him blob Tagular or blob tastic or blobular Blobby blurb. It's supposed to be banter. I think it's supposed to be funny It's supposed to be comedy and banter and it's paint. It's agonizing. They might just believe the camera running while they like cough into their hands and show backwards the bad guys.

After the lines. Okay, but so and here's the saddest fucking part of it is that this is all the whole reason the city says, okay, so the blob is one of these things that's like, you know, you sit on the one end of it and then I die from really high and it's an airbag. And so I launch you based on how hard I hit it or whatever, right? That's what it is. And we have to watch our main character get the guts up to jump onto it. Right.

The whole reason we're doing this is because they wanted to use this Christian song called dive by Stephen Curtis Chapman. That was popular. If you are a Christian kid back in the 90s, you may have heard. And of course, so they have to have him diving in order to make the song make sense. Yeah, it is as though they rented a waterfall

so they could use don't go chasing a waterfall. I love it. Yes. This is my favorite part, the Blob Tastic part, because this song that they break into, they're literally singing, the river is deep, the river is wide. They're dancing in a lake. That's a beach. And it only comes up to their ankles.

Yes. And the bathing suits that they have put these girls in. Oh, my friends, you have seen more revealing tuxedos. My grandmother has photos of her in the 1940s and the Bronx showing more gam. These teenage girls. Oh, but it's because it's funny because they do that throughout, right? They're like trying to dress the girls in such a way that is says sexy, but not, you know, not so much as to piss off a single Christian mom. So yeah, at least they were all transported straight from Bob Jones University or so. And yes, there's so much unintentional in you window in the

deep and wide song. Right? I want to go deep. I'm diving in, I'm over my head. I'm just like, oh, this sounds like a tunnel. Straight to the clip. Oh, I mean, what? What? The River Water. They lose the metaphor so many times. At one point, they go, the river water is alive. And I was like, sorry, guys, the River Water is something like.

That's amazing. That's amazing. Like, not even like. That's amazing. Not even like a subtle middle lyric. It's the end lyric of one of the verses. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then, okay, so then we go from there, we cut to this, we have to start the warrior games, right?

We have to start the matches between Team Red and Team Blue and Team Green and should, and we're going to open up on a dodgeball match between Team Red and Team Blue. I hate dodgeball so much. I hate dodgeball so much. I like I was like triggered by this scene. It's so aggressive. It's so like it's so like sexist. It's just like literally an opportune time for boys to beat girls up. It's so weird. Everything about this scene is uncomfortable. That makes all my notes about man I'm sorry he doesn't hear the comments on his favorite game Okay, well, so here's the thing about dodgeball for me I fucking love dodgeball because I'm little and I'm skinny and I'm fast, right? I was so goddamn good at dodgeball is the only sport like thing that I was ever the best at and I was so

Goddamn much better at it than everybody could hit me and they were so pissed about it. I love Dutch ball, but yeah. I'm also really good at Dutch ball. Sorry, I couldn't make it through that. I'm exactly as good at dodgeball as you are. If you need to feel good about yourself, you can pay $200. Make sure on goal, I'll play touchball with you. And you'll

feel good by comparison. Yeah, there you go. So I stepped out of my own gym shorts during a dodgeball game. That's how bad I am. Interesting. I danced myself doing a touchball game. I actually can see how that would happen. Yeah. All right. So yeah. Oh, and then of course, well, this dodgeball match is going on. We have to further the love interest between George and Presley. So Presley is is trapped, right? She's the last one on her team and it's it's three against one. All the boys are throwing balls at her. Okay. So a little bit in you window in the dodgeball at two. But George, who's not even on her team or in this game, he's on a different team leaps to her defense, right? To like try to jump between her and the dodgeball so she

won't get hit. But he's not athletic. So he misses all three of them and she gets nailed in the face. It's such a weird non-moment, right? Because like the setup, you're like, okay, there are two outcomes here. Either George dives in front and takes all the hits for her and she's like, my hero, Trophy, but I get it. Or, Presley turns out to be really good at dodgeball and wins. And they went for neither. Yeah, they went for the hero fails and the damsel industry still gets fucking pommel

to that. It's like a Russian novel. It's the best part of the movie to be on it. Well, yeah, but also that's the fucked up thing is that this movie is pretty sure this girl getting her face like seriously bruised by a dodgeball is hilarious. Yeah, I know it's actually really sad. Yeah, yeah, but it is the high point of the film up to this point. Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce

Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce

Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce because he can't talk depressively, because he gets all tongue tied and hefish. Yeah, he wants to be, he wants to be cool. And the way he tells Will that he wants to be coolified is that he wants to be John Hughes. And I wrote in my notes, dude, those movies do not hold up, you do not want to be taught. There's a lot of people out there using that as a new window for something very different, George. True. I want to go back for a second though for something very different, George. True.

I wanna go back for a second though, because we're on George. George is trying to get coolified in the bathroom with Will. He's like, I'm too nervous. He's adorable, by the way. I like love George. He is adorable.

Yeah, I like, I love him. But back at the table, Presley, who just got hit in the face, is like acting drunk weirdly. And Avery is like, mean to her. Really is, yes. Yeah. Presley's like, do I look okay though? And Avery's like, you her. Really is, yes. Press is like, do I look okay though?

And Avery's like, you look beautiful. Your hair looks beautiful. And she's like, really? And she goes, no, it's actually really flat and frizzy. And then they both laugh. And I'm like, but it looks the way my hair looks when I work really hard at it. Like, it looks really pretty.

Like she looks really pretty. And then she was just really mean to her. And then they both laughed it off. Like, this is why girls are all fucked up on the night. Well, actually, there's an amazing like insider movie thing, which is you can't really do frizzy hair on movies because hairs are thin. So you can't just be you have to show the hair like poofing out or nothing. So the hair and makeup for this team did her hair and makeup normal. And then they were like, jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz j Literally the meanest thing ever my hair is flat. What the fuck are you even to fuck you?

I just got in the face. Yeah, right exactly and you're not even the cool like why are you the lead? I'm prettier than you. I just wear glasses. So I have to be the nerd. I hate you. Also, I'm such a better singer. Oh So but then this is where George comes in and he's got to sing his song, which is they didn't even, this is where they abandoned like, well, I guess I didn't realize they'd already abandoned original music at this point because I who the fuck knows about these other Christian songs, but this is the first one where like I recognize the song. Yeah. Oh, I'm looking up the lyrics right now. It's baby baby by Amy Grant.

Yeah. Amy Grant, that's why I recognize so it is a Christian song. Well, okay, to be fair, this is not a Christian song. Amy Grant loves Jesus and they were like, hey, Amy Grant, you've been touring the Christian music scene for the last 75,000 years. Can we use one of your good songs? And she was like, okay. That's why she's like, put me in your movie and you can have the rights to myself.

Exactly. And at this point, he's literally out there with his gorgeous voice, you know Baby I'm just glad you're mine like just going hard on this girl and I'm watching and I'm going like I'm really confused By what's happening here. Yeah, because she's not his at all Being clearly confident. Like this song has nothing to do with what's happening

in the movie. Well, that's again, yeah, right. And they had to do that over and over again because they just, these were the songs they had, right? So, but this turns out to be just his imagination, right? This is how he wishes. He wishes he could be the school. But again, it's just they, these are the lyrics they had

to work with trying to stitch that shit together in Oopie 80 see I love Eli you wrote there has not been enough bugs So if you're still on it, they told us it was into pugs and she has not done anything or said anything What again? That's how fucking stupid is it that this movie a setup that she likes bugs and never has George like pull the trigger on that and give her like a stuffed pug or save a pug or something like that. Yeah. No. Don't ask fucking right anyway. So it's time for another morning at camp. Go fuck myself. Oh, there's that. This is where we open on the weird somebody shit in the pool, right? Is that what we were going for here? No, but the lake, somebody's shitting the lake. Okay, but there's always shit in the lake. Yeah, he goes, water sports is postponed.

We're cleaning, we're like, well, because we're cleaning it up. Don't worry about it. Water sports was much did someone shit. I know that's a large body of water. That's the movie I want to watch. He's the guy. I want to know.

Right, because they say right after that, they're like, and by the way, the we won't be having the bean dip anymore. Tee heee, heee, somebody. And then yeah, right. So somebody shit so much in the lake that they had to like bring in the hazmat suits and buy a hazard team or whatever. And that fucking thing decontaminated. And again, we, we never go back to that. That's a throwaway joke in this dumbass. Yeah. It's just a little moment. It's a weird. This whole movie is just a series of moments that don't relate to each other. Right. There. Well, speaking of which, yeah, because we cut from immediately from that to will practicing on his guitar and Avery coming up and saying, Hey, you know, we're well into act two.

I figure shouldn't we have this serious talk and walk scene by a body of water? I wrote down you doing your act three song because we're not an act three. What song was this because it was actually I really like this song. Oh, isn't this the song that like we end on the, the, the, this is the best thing ever song? Yeah, this is the best thing ever. Yeah, this is the best thing ever. This is the best thing ever. What is it?

The one he sings at the talent show. Yeah, it's a, this is a, this is a cover. Oh, oh, right. No, we eventually go into, yeah, yeah, right. Right. By the art of this scene. Yeah, whole, whole plays will get there. Yeah, no, we do go into like the best song of the movie.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, so we're, there's still, she's about to show him her secret garden. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Don't get excited, everybody. It's a literal secret garden. It's a literal secret garden. Also, it's like, okay, on their first date, they sneak away.

It's supposed to, she's supposed to be watching the sunrise. The sun is setting soon. Everything about the scene is weird. Yeah, makes no fucking sense. They sneak away. There's no, it's like what is it? It's just goldnower. And then they're like, shoot, it's gold now. We need footage. And so they're like out in the woods. And she's like, my mom is dead. We're gonna let's have our first date at her grave. Totally normal. Right. And at the special place we used to take her when

she was dying of cancer. Yeah, the little bench in the woods. My dad made her a bench in the woods where she could die. Yep. Everything about this heat is so uncomfortable. Yeah, but they do get to some really close religious truths here because he's like, yeah, but I mean, you believe she's still with you, right? And she's like, yeah, I do. And he's like, but you don't have any evidence of that. And she says, almost perfect quote, faith is believing things that feel nice without evidence.

And I was like, all right, movie. If you're going to do my job for me, I'm going to get popcorn. Yeah. No, she's very clearly. She's like, yeah, no, I'm going to heaven. So death doesn't count. And he's like, you see how that could be a dangerous thing to tell people, all right? Okay.

And you don't see that. Okay, you don't, I don't see that. Okay, I don't either, apparently. Okay. And then he has the whole, you know, you're so perfect. And then they have to have a conflict over that where she's like, no, I'm not perfect. And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry for saying you were perfect.

Is this really my line? I don't. Oh my god. That was really weird. So boring. Yeah. So boring. I'm looking for a reason. Through the night to find my place in this world. Yeah. Yeah.

My place in this world. It's so Christian. Like they've managed to make all the good songs. Not good. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing too is that because because look will is the cutest actor they have But he's the worst singer right exactly she's pretty good though and the truth truth be told I actually kind of liked the arrangement of this song like there was like a cool harmonies and stuff I actually did pause and and sing along okay Honestly, I liked their arrangement on our god is an awesome god that they do I like their arrangement on our goddess and awesome God that they do. I did too. That was pretty solid.

That was pretty good. But and that one we didn't have to have like these two singing the whole that's two weakest singers, the weakest male and weakest female voice they had in the goddamn. I mean, but they auto tune the shit out of that. Yeah, but just in case you were going to like it too much halfway through this number, they improvised dance jumps, not not who ones, they just sort of run at each other. I wrote wow, they are not good dance.

Oh, it was and also it was some because they the whole fucking thing up until this point has been there like, I like to watch the sunrise from lake. I like to watch it from my secret garden. Let's go watch the sunrise together. And then they run off hand in hand to a dock and and it's sunset, right? Because that looks good behind them. And she's like, when the movie can't decide what decade it's in, what how days work in this universe where the sun, yeah, but anyway, yeah, they finally bring this musical number to a close. And then I guess he dunks on her about, huh, you are

perfect. I told you because you did the dance jump. You did a perfect jump. Yeah, I just wrote in my notes, Kara. Next time we see each other, I am improvising a dance jump so you better be ready to catch me. I've gained a lot of weight over COVID so I need you to work out and be ready. Okay. You know, back when I was Mormon, which I never really fully subscribed, but I grew up in the Mormon church, I was born into the religion. So I left the church when I was 15, but when I was probably 13, 14, going into 15, I used to actually do swing dancing a lot. It was like, oh fuck yeah.

And I really liked it. Oh yeah. It's like the one thing I liked about being Mormon Was that we were like really into swing dancing and I did a lot of those cool dance jumps So if you're willing Eli to actually switch roles I'll take you up on Does that mean you jump and I catch you because that doesn't make you think Think about the bit Kara what's fun? I fall off is it fun?

Funny I could hit my dodge balls funny I land on top of you. We both die funny. Yeah, like Kara breaks both hips. It's fun The vine you got to do it for the fucking vine Kara so All right, but so but anyway, there's there's song and dance number ends because the fucking next scene cracks on Goose off right? the fucking next scene cracks on go some right. They're like, we're being called to the next scene, I guess. Okay. All right.

So they run and this is where we have the paintball fight scene. Yeah. Which David catcher opens with an apocalypse now reference. Yeah, very topical. Oh, yeah, this is weird. Well, also, so I don't know what the fuck they were going for here. He's like, he's doing the whole Apocalypse now. I love to smell a napalm in the morning speech, but with camp shit and he says and you know Everybody remember to watch your six and the woman Kristen says yeah watch for your six six six

And then they have the whole it's supposed to be a comedy beat about where he's like no, no, not that I'm not talking about the devil And I'm like, she was, she was seriously warning these kids to avoid Satan during their paintball match. Yeah, that was a whole weird thing. That was like, she made a, she made a Satan joke, but like a, like a dead pan satan joke. Yes. What? You ever be at a friend's house and their parents step into the other room to have a very obvious whisper fight? That's what happens in the middle of this. I wasn't talking about chicken. She was like, I know you weren't talking about saying I was just warming the children about saying because it's Christian movie and he was like, okay. I was Todd Packer. Well, I'm on the view. Okay.

Also, they're playing paintball in an open field. That seems kind of anticlimactic to me, right? Right. I guess we shoot each other with these paintball. Yeah. I mean, we should have put some kind of like cover or something. Up to cool. And this is what cues a montage of the warrior games. Yeah.

And some of them are normal, but some of them are really bizarre. So there's tug of war, there's football, there's cornhole. Again, this movie was made for Heath to watch. But then there's, get as much pie on your face context. Yeah, these were weird. And they're cutting back and forth between all of them. And I'm having honestly, like some triggering moments because, like, first of all, this camp seems really stressful.

Like it's only for fit kids. Right? You know what I mean? Like it's really stressful. It's like really competitive only like the most athletic kids are like people are nice to them. And then I'm just realizing, so they're playing tug of war.

And I have this moment last night, some Washington in the middle of the night, just never sleep. And I'm like, tug of war, we used to play that in elementary school at field day. Like, I'm just going to never sleep. And I'm like, tug of war, we used to play that in elementary school at field day. Like, it's literally called tug of war. And I don't know if it's because of the apocalypse.

Now references are what, but like, is that not aggressive and like not okay for kids, tug of war? That's like really intense. And everything about the game is intense. They look like their arms are going to be ripped off. Right, well, yeah, the game is intense, they look like their arms are gonna be ripped off. Right, well, yeah. The game ends with you yanking the other team to into submission.

So yeah, it is, and well, but this whole scene is, like it's got a very weird glorifying of war kind of backdrop to it, right? Cause we keep coming back to the paintball match and it keeps being like increasingly aggressive to the point where like you're like, yeah, probably not a good idea at all to put the, you know, kid with a troubled criminal past

into this situation, right? Right. Yeah, let's just feed his aggressive, like all the negative coping mechanisms that he's developed over the years. Yeah. Oh my gosh. But then at the end of the paintball match, wouldn't you know it? It's all of the blue bad guys versus the two love interests. And the only reason I point this out is because the entire movie, I will never be able to describe this if you haven't watched the movie. The entire movie grinds to a halt while the girl tries to explain Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Oh, he goes just like us, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And he's like, what? And she's like, Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

that Brad and Angelina Jolie vehicle, it didn't really work because their relationship wasn't really established yet. And he had just broken up with Rachel from friends. You don't see it. And also, they're trying to kill each other, but they have really hot sex all the time. Just basically hold both guns in your hands. Or And also they're trying to kill each other, but they're, they have really hot sex all the time.

Just basically hold both guns in your hands. There are so many easier ways I could have gotten to back to back with guns. Yeah. Shit. I'm sorry about that. But of course all my notes are just like, okay, it is movies post 2007. It tastes place because that movie came out. She couldn't have known about it for 2007.

So it's after that. But yeah, they do the whole Mr. and Mrs. Smith back to back shooting thing. And that's like, that's the end, right? That's how it all works out. That's what we were all leading to with this. That she ends up winning her team ends up winning the paintball. Yeah, because of their. And again, I want to give this movie credit where credits do. They do back to back shooting thing. They defeat all the bad guys. And then she just turns and immediately shoots him in the dick. Yeah, that was my favorite part. Yeah. And David Ketchner was like, yes, my daughter. Yes. Yeah, right. Right. Oh, and of course, we have to watch bad guy melt

down a bit because he's apparently saved narwhals for nothing here. God's not even going to give him a fucking paintball victory. Do you have chariot's of iron? You have to tell me. All right, well, to you what this paintball scene is as you have chariot's of iron? You have to tell me. All right, well, through what this paintball scene is as close as we're ever going to get to a movie like thing happening. So I'm calling that the end act to and let me give act three the hard sell here. Is it too late for this to turn into a slasher flick? We've got teenagers in a camp, don't we? What if I offered David catch your $18 to do some reshoots? Find out the

answers to less interesting questions and more when we return for the Jesus Tastic Conclusion of a week away. And in my dream, my mother is there, but she's huge, right? And she's eating my car like she's taking the pieces off of it. Interesting. Tell me more. Hey, guys, what are you doing in my house? Oh, hey, Cara, we were just trying out the new therapist gun you were telling us about. It's okay. It doesn't give a lot of response. Yeah, I mean, it just doesn't apply to all that much in my life. Yeah.

You guys, it's not a therapist gun. It's a Thera gun. What's a Thera gun? Come on! You know, you and he have been milking it longer and longer. I'm just going to start interrupting when you do that. Okay, but I'm still beating Mars, right? Guys, the ad. Right, fine. Okay. Alright, TheraGun is the handheld percussive therapy device that releases your deepest muscle

tension using a scientifically calibrated combo of depth, speed, and power. And it's as quiet as an electric toothbrush. Feel. Ooh, it feels like I'm being punched by a thousand tiny itmen. It sure does. Whether you want to treat your muscle tension from working out in injury or just the stresses of everyday life, there's no substitute for the Theragun Gen 4. Yeah, actually Theragun sent us a couple to try and they were so good at our

wives' stolen. But how do our listeners get theirs? Try Theragun for 30 days starting at only $199. Go to Theragun.com slash awful right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. That's Theragun.com slash awful. Theragun.com slash awful. Thanks, Cara. Hey, you're a therapist.

I can talk to you about my problems, right? I think you're better off talking into the Thera gun. Okay. Wow, 22 foster homes and 13 years. Yeah, I guess I've never just found a place to call home, you know? Did you really steal a cop car? Try to sell your school on Craigslist. I did. My rebellions are pretty wacky and prank based. Well, I think a week at camp,

plus I can't stop doing sex stuff to ducks at the local pond. I have problems connecting and trusting. Sorry, I'm sorry, you what? Yeah, whenever I start to feel comfortable somewhere, I close off, right? No, I run away. No, no, no, no, no, I wasn't asking about that. It was the duck thing.

Oh, yeah, I mean, come on. Nothing like a bill on your nipple to get you kicked out of high school. Let me tell you, Zikes. Unrelated, do you guys know if the canteen here sells saltines? Yes.

Who? Who, who, who? We also have a water slide. Nice, I will check that out. I don't feel like that question was unrelated. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin our hero in a little being friends montage with George. But once again, it's a Christian movie, so they're not allowed to do anything normal.

Okay. They jam on music and I'm like, cool friendship. They jam on music and I'm like, cool friendship. They watch a movie and I'm like, cool friendship. Then they play with dolls and have a soda drinking contest and I was like, man, life without sex is hard. That's kind of sad. You're like, I might be into that, no, I'm not into this. I think I only wrote, wait, what's happening?

Yeah. Right. So Eli eased you into it, right? He opened up with, they watched a movie together. They jammed the movie opens up with the two of them playing dolls together. And hey, if that's your jam, that's your fucking jam. I'm not going to judge you for playing those, but it's a weird thing to open up within your movie as just sort of the cliche two teenage boys making friends thing, right? Yeah. He's like, hello, Mr. Godzilla.

And they're like playing with dolls. Yeah. Yeah. At the very least, they should be jerking off back to back. Right? You're not gonna get a camp experience. If you're not jerking off back to back with your bro. They're also, they're trying to go for this like,

like a hangover kind of vibe where they're just like badass cool bros in their camp thing. But of course, they're trying to go for this like, like a hangover kind of vibe where they're just like badass cool bros in their camp thing. But of course they don't drink and they don't have sex and they don't drink anything fun. So they're like drinking soda and having like burp contest and like smashing soda cans on their heads and stuff. Yeah, exactly. Like what is this? Oh, and of course they're watching Ferris Bueller on that TV from 1972 because they try desperately to inject

some personality into one of their characters by having him have a movie he likes. And then they asked the other character what his favorite movie is so stupid. Anyway. Okay, so we have the little friendship Montausting and then we cut to that night. There's a big fire in there having this way, wait, wait, like a campfire. There's not like the campfire. Yeah, right. Yeah. It to be clear. I'm on over here in LA. That's very triggering. Okay. All right. No, fire. There was a contained controlled fire. Here's under her desk right now. Yeah. Having flashbacks to a gender reveal party. Yeah. But so they're doing this thing where they're going around the room and everybody's gonna like kind of I guess Testify and give their testimony or something like that, but they all I love this so goddamn much because this is such an amazingly

Self-aware on the where moment Everybody has to start their little testimony by saying I don't know much, but and I like okay Well, at least that's an honest Christian game. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This is originally was, I don't know shit. And then you were just done. That was the original I also love. So George's mom, she gets up. She does the heaviest Jesus thing. She's like, I don't know you, but God knows you. And I'm like, fun big, big, holy brother. But then David Ketcher gets up and he's like, I don't know much. Like why I'm in this movie.

How could you run out of office money? That was on ABC every night. He was still run that fucking show. Cost of, oh yeah, yeah. So, and then, and then they have the love interest, A Avery she says, you know, I don't know much But I know what my mother taught me and then she quotes the mother a character who we know died of cancer Saying my mom always had God's up to something In her case it was deadly

She met that in a good way. Yeah, in her case, it was deadly cancer. She says, Christ. And then she's like crying hard. Yeah. Like, she's like ugly crying, like hard. And he's like, God, you're so hot. Like, there's a weird thing happening. Yeah.

She's ugly crying about her dead mom. He's getting like a boner. Like, I don't know what's going on and meanwhile our God Isn't awesome God he reigns. Oh, yeah, I'm heaven on high, but it's kind of a weirdly good arrangement I'm like yeah, okay, but so I'm sorry, but this is where we meet the hero of the fucking movie. Oh, yes Tell yes, I know you're who you're talking about Okay, so everybody like in the whole camp starts standing up to sing our guys. Oh, and they're doing the

big the Jesus hands thing where they're kind of like reaching to this guy and there's a scene no shit where David Ketchner is doing Jesus hands and I want to cry. Oh yeah, no, but but amid this entire crowd sitting right next to our main character who's you know trying to decide because like I guess he's realizing that if I stand up and start Wave and my hands old Jesus see I'm in right I'm all the way I can go back down there turn a turning point for sure Exactly, and there's this girl sitting right next to him who does not give a fuck. She is not getting up She cannot be bothered for this And I hear the hero of this movie she's so grumpy. She will never stand up. She will never sing. She will stare hatefully Direct into the

I of the camera for the entirety of this music number. I love her. So goddamn much and then so but then we get this whole song and we cut over to Avery, the love interest ugly crying. And I realized I'm like, Oh my God, that's the closest to young Christian girls are allowed to get to an orgasm, right? The climax of a song like, right. I see. Is there a there? So you think she like just in her pants? I, no, I just think I think that she's so sexually repressed that any type of climax whatsoever is very confusing in her brain. And I'm saying, yeah. And they also, so the arrangement is pretty good.

However, they do have to use Christian lyrics. So at one point in their love duet that's happening underneath our God is an awesome God. They ask the question, quote, is there a kind of love that God only knows? Ew. Thank you. I was like, Ew.

Yeah, there's always, and I feel this, this is a lot when we get to this kind of theme where it's like love interests who like are finding each other under the light of Christ. Because then it's all the sudden, like Jesus is in the bedroom, and God's dick makes me feel good and things get really

Confusing to me and I feel odd and it reminds me of being back when I was 14 and going in for a temple recommend and my bishop Asking me if I engage in heavy petting and having lots of weird feelings. Yeah, heavy God what a heavy petting fucking term. I had no idea what he was talking about. I was like, I have a dog. I pet my dog. I know I would have been. What he meant in mormonies. Yes. Oh my God. That's got to be so uncomfortable. So can I just say, if I had been born a Mormon, I could have single handedly destroyed the Mormon church. By're like, this has been an area. Right? Can we, by the way, though, still to this day, can you explain to me what heavy petting

is? Is it outside of the clothes? I feel like it very much could be outside of the club, but I don't think, and that's the thing is that it's undefined, right? It's like, have you ever been the second base? Like, I don't, which, what is that to you, you know? Yeah. Second base is finger fucking.

Is it? No. And hand and handies. Second base is finger fucking. Is it? No. And hand and handies. See, this is the problem with kids these days. At some point, after I was on sexual basis, second base turned from grabbing a boob to handies and finger. No, second base is clearly finger fucking and handies. No, because third base is oral sex. I don't know what blessed world you got to have those faces.

Play your text, this baby. Yeah, it was Daniel. Oh, yeah. I progressed classically. I did. I did the classic second base, handies and and finger fucking, and then you've got the oral and then, you know, home run is like doing it in the, you know, what? No, that's the fucked up thing, though,, home run is like doing it in the, you know what?

That's the fucked up thing though, is that by the measurement that we used, at least as my interpretation, when I was a kid, there was a long ways from third base to home, right? There was a lot of stops along the way. So ours didn't really make sense. Yeah, that's why I don't get yours, yeah. So, yeah, right, right, right, exactly.

To penetration. And again, this is so heteronormative. It bothers me actually, because there's so many other ways to have sex. But I'm very unclear still about heavy petting because it's like, is it finger fucking? Is heavy petting jerking off? Are we allowed to be this graphic on this podcast? Oh, definitely. Oh, good.

Oh, if there's one encourage. It's encourage. Okay. If there's one podcast that you can talk about, because if heavy padding is literally just rubbing your hand on the outside of your jeans on near somebody's private parts, nobody does that. Okay. Again, this is you're speaking for a place of privilege. I really need you to understand that for some of us who were very very Consent conscious in high school heavy petting was all we got But even then you would just grind on each other right that we mean over the pants a handy

Yeah, no over the pants was just grind to just whole body Well, yeah, exactly exactly some of you, but then you're not heavy-pedding. You're just, you're just, you're clothes fucking. Well, but so that's the thing is that it's some weird ass term for the 1940s trying to be applied to the sexuality of today. I'm googling this. I'm googling this. I have to. And these kids today, I'm sure the Zenny Ols were listening to this.

They're like, what are you talking about? First base is eating ass. So what happened? I'm not exactly. Meem addicted. Tick tock. Well, tick tock told me that third base is when you climb So we're gonna have to put in the exact meme addicted TikTok. Well, TikTok told me the third base is when you climb inside the other person's body and live as them for a week.

You kids don't know. Wait, erotic contact between two people involving stimulation of the genitals, but stopping short of intercourse. So basically all lesbian sex is heavy petting. All interactions I've had with Heath in the last two years. Yeah. We need to move forward. I'm just in the last.

All right. Yeah. I got to get our job. Move it. Move it. Move it. Our God is an awesome God-fear-aid. I wonder if anyone involved in this movie ever

assumed that it would lead to this conversation. Right? And how they feel about it if they know. Yeah. Please send this to about it if they know, yeah. Please send this to them as our unprovoked movie review. So okay, so Avery and Will wander off from our goddess and awesome God to love interest some more crying, crying hard. Now both of them are crying.

Right, because he's all Jesus see now and he's like, I've never, I've just, I've never felt so connected to something larger than myself and in my whole life. And she's like, yeah, no, it's a psychological trick. We used to rope in people with depression. And then we discouraged him from treating the underlying depression. And it worked well.

That's what's happening. Generation to generation. She, because all I wrote was, I just don't get the sexy Jesus'e vibe. I just don't think these are two Venn diagrams that should never cross right. Yes, exactly. We are working at diametrically I wrote did I miss several scenes where something of meaning happened because these characters are reacting like something of meaning happened And all they did was sing a song or out of campfire Right, but so yeah, and and what we're supposed to get from this, I assume,

anyway, is that this is the moment where like he had his first experience with Christian like with being all Jesus stop and being really like he had his first taste of his relationship with Christ at this point or whatever. Because we'll flash back later to the fact that he actually did stand up and sing our goddess an awesome god eventually. We don't show that real time we have to flash back to it. Oh this is also where she gives him the polaroid. Yes, right. And he's acting like he's never seen the photo and doesn't remember where it might have come from.

Polaroids weren't exactly subtle cameras. They're very loud and large and you can only be two feet from somebody's face in order to get a focus in a polar. Well, and no one has ever taken a polaroid without immediately showing, well, first they shake it for no goddamn reason and fuck it up. But then they show you immediately, but way before there's an image on it, even,

the polaroid they just stuck. Are you calling out cast a liar goods are I'm so sorry that joke is so fucking delayed but I had to Google was the creator of the song hey yeah. Okay, we're going to cut that law. Yeah, I still get it either. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. Yeah, but also remember Polaroid put out a whole press release after like don't shake it.

It can actually smear the ink. Yeah, it's a whole thing. You're not supposed to clip Eli. Everyone else went to outcast within the first one second. If Andre and thousand is wrong, I don't want to be right. And you took five minutes to get there. I was pretty. I was still hurting about the heavy bed in the conversation that they should have put that in the movie.

Oh, no. Oh, wait, that's a real song. Hey, ladies, yeah, what's cooler than being cool? Ice cold. No, okay. I love that song. I still don't even know what song we're talking about. So, what?

No, do you live under a rock? Oh, I'm actually on when it comes to music, absolutely. Yeah, if it came out in the last 30 years, I probably have it heard it. Yeah. Matrix. We will make Noah listen to Hayah by outcast. Like a polar rod picture. Come on, man.

I'll probably end up liking it. Yeah. Okay. But while this conversation is going off with the Polaroid, we see bad guys shawn off of the darkness plotting his revenge. Now, we haven't established any cut. I guess he also likes Avery. Is the conflict or just doesn't like that the other guy is doing well in the warrior games. It's never clear. Yeah. He might as well just be like, fuck, I'm the bad guy. So I must be pissed about this. Oh, right. Yeah.

Like they told me in the script, but this is weird, but I'll go with it. Sure. So, all right. So we'll head back to the cabin where George and his mom are chilling out. This is where he introduces everybody to his dead mom and dad pick, you know, but we see it right at the beginning. Right. Yeah.

He introduces the characters in the movie. Yeah. But what's so funny is he's like, my parents are dead. And he's like, yeah, obviously your parents are dead. We found you at foster care. And then like, he's having this moment with Kristen. Remember Sherry Shepherd and like his roommate, George's mom. And he's having this moment with Kristen. Remember Sherry Shepherd? And like his roommate George's mom, and he's having this moment with Kristen.

And it's like a sweet, it actually kind of is like a sweet bonding moment. And then you cut to George watching them creepily and going, oh, it's so tender. You had such a tender moment. And I'm like getting nauseated. Yeah. I do not like that word.

And the way he's saying it over and over is grossing me out big time tender like meat You guys have been hit with a hammer repeated like yeah, it's like tender like flesh like I just it's Also, so she does this and I hate this trope so goddamn much the mom turns to willing She's like, you know your parents would be very proud of you. And it's like, you don't know his fucking parents, lady. Or give him a fucking break. I really wanted him to be like, actually, my parents were white supremacists that

I was like, friends with your son really would have bothered them. She's like, oh, I get why you missed the 22 foster homes now. That's very well. But then of course, he has to put, he puts his mom and dad picture right next to that polaroid picture so that we can like have the whole visual like, but these friends are like his family now, right?

With that little moment. Well, because that's like in Christian world views, and actually in like heteronormative male dominant, you know, patriarchal world views, that's what women and men do, right? Like men, for example, boys are raised by moms, and then when moms stop raising them because they either die or the boys get older, then they just marry their mom,

and then she just takes care of him for the rest of his life. Right. And so that's just a recapitulation of this disgusting patriarchal. My little pop mom and dad out of the frame and pop A-frame. Exactly. Just cut her face off and keep it over mom's face. Right.

Right. And then sit back to back with George to finish the job. So I'm just saying it's a good time. A lot of my matriot ideas got shot down everybody. I had a lot of fun matriot ideas. All right, so but meanwhile, bad guy is sneaking into the office to find Will's permanent record. Oh, yeah, this is the only time and bad guy does anything bad.

Yep. But maybe he's doing it because he's like really empathetic and really wants to understand this kid's story. Well, I was going to say because then he doesn't like, okay, so he finds out that Will is is secretly this juvenile delinquent that's been in so much trouble or whatever, but he doesn't like leave that information in public for everyone to find or anything. Right. This trope is so easy.

Hey, everybody, Will's a hooligan. He takes Will aside and privately is like, Hey hey man, you shouldn't be lying about who you are to Avery. And we're supposed to be like, that's sudden. I know, really? He's just like being a good friend. He's like, listen, relationships based on lies never really blossom. Yeah.

Like you're going to shoot yourself in the foot here, man. Just tell her the truth. It's right. Yeah, anyway. You know what's villainous behavior? Letting a felon who's lying to your friend and a girl you like continue to do so because he hasn't revealed that information voluntarily. Right.

I love this kid. He's my favorite. Team villain. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. They need to do like a cobra Kai remake of this where we're dealing with demons. So okay. Also, I have to point this line out too, because like this whole scene starts with

more camp announcements from David Kesner. And he's talking about the big talent show that's coming up. He's like, don't forget guys, the best thing we could think of to end the movie with was the big talent show we've been talking about. So he says, and I quote, warm up those juggling balls, polish off those tap shoes, and let's make some magic. Now, I know I was very proud when he brought up juggling balls as off those tap shoes and let's make some magic. Now I know I was very proud when he brought up Juggling balls as Eli was very proud when he brought up magic. Kara, I'm dying

to know do you buy any chance tap dance. Of course not. Oh, if only Josh dad was here. Oh, damn it. I refuse to be in your nurture. I'm afraid. Oh, no, I don't tap. She tapped dances. She's just afraid. She's afraid of her true. I did. Wait, wait, wait.

I was a baton twerler. I think that's worse. Oh, that's so much worse. Yeah. How dare you as a baton twerler look down on a tap. I'm not looking down on the tap dresser. I'm looking down on your juggling balls in your magic. To be clear, I have actually hired Eli to do magic at an event I ran.

So I'm into it. I did not hire a juggler. So anyway, there are. There's a jugular. So anyway, so there are some certain lines. And that just, right. Right. So, but, but we have that little set up for the talent show. Bad guy comes in and he's like, Hey, man, if you don't tell Avery that you're a bad boy,

which women, hey, they just hate bad boys, I'm going to tell her myself because I'm friends with her. Oh, and he lists, he lists all of the things he read about. He's multiple curfew finally. Oh, is that in there? Yeah, that's the first thing he brings up. He goes multiple curfew violations and wills like, dammit, I never thought that could have.

Yeah, Van Dill is up there. I'll just like the lamest thing he's ever got. He's like, you got a J walking ticket. You never pay. He's ever gone. He's like, you got a J walking ticket. Yeah, but that's enough for Will, right? Will's like, Oh, now I have to leave this cap. They know my sorted J walking history. They'll never accept me now. He's got a lot. He wanders up. And now George has to fight him because they need him for their big talent show. They're going to do his song at the talent show. Their fucked team green is fucked if they can't find him, but low and bill he's back at the

cabin packing his shit to go. Right. Yep. So so we'll wanders off. He's he's hitchhiking away. Well, they're trying to like, you know, figure out what bad guy said to him to to set him off. Now I will say this if we'll had gotten murdered while hitchhiking because he was running away from camp, that's pretty funny.

That's a pretty good twist on the movie. I don't know about funny, but it would be a good twist. Some of us were rooting harder against Will from the others. Wait, and now it's nighttime again, even though it was just morning. Yeah. I'm so, you know, he had a. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so confused. You've got a lot of shit to pack in that guitar case. The sun is just really whirrs around in this universe.

It's pretty crazy. So yeah, so but Avery wanders off to try to find Will. She can't find him and he didn't even take the fucking Polaroid that asshole. Son of a bitch. So she goes to her dad and she says, hey dad, I your teenage daughter would like to borrow your car and drive off to go find a boy that I have a crush on. I must do this alone.

And he's like, yeah, okay, don't make such a joke. You go to the kids, man. I'm a Christian and I would do that. Yeah, this kid clearly wasn't sentenced to be here and it's now on the land. Yeah, exactly. You know that guy who stole a grand theft auto and then he came here, I would like to go be alone with him in the middle of the woods because he's broken the rules and dad's

just like, well, sounds good to me. Yeah. Have fun on him. Yeah. Go have some uninducted sex. Let me know if you do any heavy petting. I mean, let me know what it is if you find out. I've been trying to figure it out with George's mom

and it's great. We're wearing sumo suits and running each other as fast as it can. Also, at this point, I'm really confused as to what kind of musical this is because there hasn't been a musical number in a really long time. Right. Yeah.

No, this movie like selectively remembered it was going for musical. So yeah, but so she drives off. She catches up with him because, you know, obviously he's he's hitchhiking like that long ass road. If you've ever been to any fucking camp, you know, there's that one long ass road, at least to nowhere but that camp. Oh, yeah. And he's trying to hitchhike his way out of, no dude, it would all just be people from the camp. And he's walking really slow, like he's still at camp. Basically, he's here there. Right, right.

But oh, we left an important part out. When she goes to look for him in his room and realizes he's packed up all the stuff, he had left the photo behind. What a dick. Right. Why did he do that? So he's concerned that the guy outed him.

And so now this girl is gonna think poorly of him and not like him anymore. How does that affect how much he likes her? Wouldn't he still want the photo? Right, and then she shows up, and she's like, I just found out about your sorted past, and I don't care, and he's still upset. Mm-hmm.

What is he, what is the conflict now? I don't know, but what I love is that now he has like a proper crisis of faith and he's saying all the right things. He's like going down all the right reasoning. Like, what kind of God allows kids to have their parents killed and then send some to foster care? Agree? Yeah.

Not a good one. Right. And the movie's just like, you know, I borrowed my dad's car keys. So jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. Yeah. And then he's like, you know, I borrowed my dad's car keys. So jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, yeah. And then he's like, ooh, it's like my one weird eyebrows. Oh my God. And this is the best worst part of the whole movie. Why wasn't this my best worst best worst montage of things that just happened 30 seconds ago. Oh my God, they do it twice. Right, like he remembers the movie twice

within the span of four minutes. It's so fucking weird. The whole movie takes place over the span of like two or three days. You can't do a memory mod top. Yeah. Two or three days ago. One of which, they actually include something that happened literally 30 seconds before that.

Yup. Yeah. No, that's actually, I think if I'm not mistaken, a spot on the official Gambingo card is flashback to thing that happened 18 seconds ago in the movie. But yeah, she's like, I forgive you for being, for lying to me about who you are. And he's like, but I'm still angry for some reason. She's like, well, I don't get that at all. So I'm leaving. So she leaves. But she gives him the picture. She like pushes it against his chest and that sexy Jesusy way.

Yeah. And then he's like, well, fuck even if I was going to leave, I should at least gotten her to drive me to the end of this long-ass camp road. This was so. Oh, nothing. I made the, but then he has an epiphany song, right? Yeah. Oh, right. There's a song here. What and I knew I knew right away that we were back to the original songs by the

movie's makers at this point because this song rhymed along and belong. It was like the main right moment. I went, yep. Yeah. That's what I've got to expect from you guys. You ran out of Amy Grant. Shit. I'll let the one only the one. Grant shit. Only the one. Only the one. But yeah, so he sings his epiphany song. He flashes back again to everything that just happened. Impressive.

Impressive. Flashback following flashback timing. Yeah. I guess so bad. He's like flashing back to himself walking about three feet earlier down the road and I'm starting to get confused. Like is this a memento kind of move where they just really switching gears on me? He's got that thing in his pocket that tells him that he's actually loose in dreaming.

It's like Jack. Look down at his stomach, go win talent show. Oh, okay. And there we go. It's time for the big talent show. And bad guys sure is we cut to the end of bad guys, Sean's performance and he's crushing it. So blue is winning now.

Okay, I just want to point out how stupid this is. Up until now they've had games that have scores and clear winners and losers and they're going to end the whole fucking thing on just arbitrarily assigning points based on a talent show. Yeah. Yeah. The judge might as well be dumbledore. Well, nope. But even worse, one of the judges clearly is the father of the girl who's captain of

team red. The other judge is the mother of the captain of team green. I wonder why team blue looks. I love that this is what you guys are actually focusing on. is the mother of the captain of team green. I wonder why team blue looks at this. I love that this is what you guys are actually focusing on. Well, no, I was focusing on the fact that all of the extras in the scene have the thumbs that I used to sell. Oh, really, the little thumb lights.

They all have thumb lights and I was like, man, that's a pretty big sale. I wonder where they got that. That's what I was doing during this part of the movie. I was like, oh, man, that's like six or seven pairs that they got for this old cast. It's pretty cool. There you go. I'm freaking out about the fact that he came back.

He came back for no reason. There are no stakes. Nothing about this movie makes sense. Nothing happens. It's like, you can't just write kids as orphans and expect that to be all of the stakes of the film. Right. Yeah, exactly. There has the what and you can't just have two characters standing there and yelling conflict at one another without establishing what they're even talking about. Mm hmm. So, but yeah, so like team green is

about to go on stage and they're very nervous because they can't win without will but but now he's back and he's so much worse of a singer than George that it's like oh well that's a shame. Yeah, it is. It's a bummer. And this is the song that bummed me out the hardest because this is called this is the best thing ever. And like it's very much like this camp and us like having our arms around each other singing like this is the best thing ever. This is the best thing ever and my whole notes are just like

I mean no one who made this movie has had their dick sucked on Molly. So I really One of the lyrics is this is what life is all about my notes just say Jesus imagine if that were true It the lyrics are so incipit in but no it's a literal fucking chorus is them saying over and over again This is the best thing ever like Jesus Christ Yeah, and so and to be clear at this point. They're singing and blah blah blah, but they've kissed already yes Uh-huh, they kissed singing and blah, blah, blah, but they've kissed already. Yes. They kissed. We left out the supposed to be kissed. Oh, yeah, because they kissed.

The most of the best that I was in this low-pitched room. He comes back, they kiss. There's like fireworks. I mean, there's a glow sticks, I don't know. And then he's like, oh, gotta go sing my song. Runs up, they're crying. Like they both cry too much. Bad guy's size.

That's the extent of his aggression. Yeah. And then, like, he's like a microscopically bad bad guy. Like he's barely bad because then they start singing this is the best thing ever, day ever, whatever. And he's like rockin' along now. He's like, I'm in it. Yeah. He's like, well, it's pretty darn catchy. Yeah. It's so fucking boring. I wrote my notes. I'm like, he might as well be singing about his favorite kind of sandwich. But then I was like, no, because that song would at least have some guts. Yeah, no. But yeah, but, but their song is so good that team green wins after all and team blues sucks.

They just fucking suck objectively as human beings. Who is judging this thing? What were they being judged on? Who sung the longest? The way we didn't see any of the other things. No, I don't know. They might have sucked more. Well, I guess that's fair. That's fair. But the thing is, is that this stupid ass movie is desperately trying to find a way to work in songs and then it skips the last song from Team Red and Team Blue. Like, come on guys. It's so Verde's Maximus. That's what their team name was. Oh, that's right.

Verde's Maximus. What? Like the other ones were like, religious. Jesus' names. Yeah, these were angels and the crims or the azure of apostles and the crims and angels. Yeah. And then Verde's Maximus. Yeah, what, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, from now on. What was his art? I wanted Will to just be like, I mean, you really weren't

that much of a conflict to the movie. There wasn't a lot of stake at any point. And he's like, you know, that's fair. All right. We'll do more environmental work, which is what villainized me in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. And then George goes off and like, I don't know, talks to Pressley and and there's no stakes there either because she's like, I've been clearly telegraphing to you this whole time that I'm into you. Yeah, and he gives her a box of 365 letters, which is way creepier than a box full of heads. It's all late. It's like, and here's some of your hair. Well, yeah.

Well, that's, I so wanted it to play like more realistically where he sits down and he's like, hey, I finally got the guts to talk to you. And she's like, Oh, good, because I'm really into you. And he's like, here's a letter I've written for you for every day of the year. She's like, I'm less into you now. He's back to waste slowly. But this is a Christian movie. So she responds, I'm going to marry you.

Oh, God. And then he goes, should I emoji her? When is this movie? Where on the scale from first base to heavy petting is emojis. This is the different game. This is the different game. We need a zanyl.

We're having a baseball. We're all two old on this podcast. We need some youngsters to let us know. No youngsters. You remember first base for youngsters It's like anal play You use youngsters for this. They'll know where emoji income. Yeah, so Oh, and then and just in case this movie wasn't teaching enough for you then Fucking Christian George's mom comes and says will I you're 17, but I'm gonna adopt you and you're gonna be my son now.

And he's like, wow, a mom. And they're like, so we really are cousins now. And she's like, no, your brothers, because that's how this works. Yeah, I would be his mom. That's why would you think cousin, that would be weird. So, but yeah, so they do another, they reprise the song that they just fucking sung, which

is weird. Very, very. And then we get the amazing blooper reel and it's not even like most it's not even a legit blooper reel. They're just singing another song that has nothing to do with anything. Yep. In order to trick me into watching the credits. But this is where we get my favorite part

of the movie, which is where David Ketcher in all of his bloopers is like, keep rolling. We're losing the fucking light. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was clearly seeing his lines for the first time that day. All right. So, and that's the end of the movie. I have one question to wrap it up at the Puzzle and a thunderstorm summer camp that starts at noon that we're starting. What will you guys be doing for the talent show? Oh, um, making fun of Kara's baton. Oh, twirling that baton. Sweet. I was so ready for you to say tap bands. I set you up. That's why. All right. Well, Carol, thank you so much for joining us today. It's always a blast to have you on. Thanks. And well, that's going to do for our review of a week away. That's

not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to roll this folder back up to the top of the hill again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, next week is our 300th episode. Yeah. So I've saved us something special. If I may read you a description. It is the year 2025. Since the outbreak of the coronavirus in 2020, the world has not been the same. A communist system with a single world government has been established. English has been chosen as the world language.

Contacts have been reduced to a minimum. Christianity has been chosen as the world language. Contacts have been reduced to a minimum. Christianity has been banned completely. The constitution, how we knew it, no longer exists. In Germany, a small group of young Christians start an underground revolution to reunite Christians and regain freedom. We'll be watching 2025, the world enslaved by a virus.

Goddamn it. It is at least somebody I've heard of who did it or isn't just just some Eastern European check. Oh, damn it. All right. So with that, thank you. Thank you. I'm out.

You just had a little musical and George actually had a lovely singing voice. God damn it. All right. So that's a look forward to we're going to bring up a 299 to a more simple it. All right, so we have to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 299 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Care for hanging out with us. Be sure to check the show notes for links to hear more from her.

She's got a lot of awesome stuff all over the internet and we have it linked. And of course, of course, even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. Remember, it's major on you can be a part of that.

So if you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com. So I got awful in there by your and early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help it ton by legal five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our simply shows the skating

and the estate and the D&D minus end of the skeptic ride available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or send them out suggestions, you can email godoffamuysandgmail.com. Legal services for this podcast provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Roberts and Dave Scare of our social media. Our theme song was written in performed by Ryan Slotnikov, who will drop some Mars, while other music was written in-perform by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkson, who was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week, for Heath and right Neely Live Bostic, I'm No Illusions Problems,

and don't work hard to earn another track next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Avery and Will get married, have a bunch of kids, and live out their miserable lives, tragically. Meanwhile, George and Presley have half-sexed in tons of fun, and I'm just generally jealous of their awesome lives. Will, went on to sell Kristen's house on Craigslist. George, a shot 46 times during next year's paintball game. Oh, God. I think I've been mic'd a little high this whole fucking time and I'm just now noticing it.

So it's kind of funny that I've been giving you shut the entire time. There we go. Have the turn tables have well done rotated. All right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021. All right, reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021 all right reserved