God Awful Movies - 3: GAM003 War Room

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

War Room, the story of a magical black woman teaching someone how to overcome emotional abuse by talking to an invisible wizard in a closet.  Not only is it the least interesting to ever contain the word “war” in the title; it’s also probably the least interesting movie about closets.   If you'd like to hear more from guest masochist Keisha Zollar, you can find more of work at the following links.   Keisha's podcast, The Soul Glo Project. Keisha's web series In Game Keisha's website KeishaZollar.com   And, of course, if you enjoyed the music in this episode, you can hear more from the talented Ryan Slotnick here: Evil Giraffes on Mars

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bayguésville Parkesur. He's a little mad. A little bit. He's just like a little like, uh, you say you're going to be my slave, but I don't know. It doesn't count if you want it. But you can't like it.

Otherwise, it's not domestic abuse. Oh! Never let me have this. Not awful. Movie. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we watch another selection from Christian cinema, because eventually we're all gonna die, and we want death to seem good compared to something. Sitting to my immediate left is Heath N. Wright Heath. Welcome back. Thank you, sir. And sitting 989 miles to my right is Eli Bosnick.

Eli, glad to see that you survived another one. That whole death thing sounds super appealing right now. So that like, can I choose that? I choose that. Death. Too late you already watched it. And joining us for the first time is comedian, sketch actor, writer, performer at the upright citizens brigade,

and people's improv theater, and special guest, massacres, Keisha Zoller. Keisha, welcome to God Awful Movies. Oh, well, thank you for having me. So I feel like I have to have that tone because as a black woman, I have to be pleasing to white men. That's what this is. She's already learned the lessons that this film wanted to know. This is why we're here.

So before we get started, I'm dying to know. Did Eli save you from a wolf once and you're doing this to repay a life debt? Was this a voluntary thing? This was, I mean, I'm not in a basement right now. I repeat, I'm not in a basement right now. I repeat, I'm not in a basement and Eli's not keeping me captive. If I can just jump in here, it puts the lotion on its skin. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Very amazing. Are we saying some bear stocks? All right, so before we get started, Heath, tell us what are we reviewing tonight? We are reviewing a movie called War Room, which is the story of a mother who learns from an old lady, how to overcome a shitty husband, and a very distinct body odor problem, using a serial killer type shrine to Jesus in her closet. Not only is it easily the least exciting movie with the word war in the title, it's the least exciting movie about closets, as far as I can tell. I'd say that pretty much sums it up. Now, I'm going to ask everybody, but Keisha, your art guest, so I'm going to give you first crack at it. How bad was this movie?

Well, I mean, all I will say is thank goodness. White men finally explained how black women need to say black men. I mean, I've been waiting my whole life and realizing I'm not saving enough men. That's true. I mean that's true. You're like, Keisha, you're welcome. My identity's point. Yeah. I mean, I'm the half of white men everywhere. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, it's it's amazing because like it's you know black cinema really achieved something in this movie because a hundred years ago, they wouldn't have hired black actors. And if you watch this movie, you'd think that is the only step we'd taken forward. Um, listen, I mean, why do a minstrel show when you have free black puppets? Also, at least I think I'm fair in saying a minstrel show much less offensive than this movie. Yes, much, much less offensive than this movie. I mean, there's definitely less God.

Yeah, well, yes, yes, exactly. And I mean, the Negro spirituals are absolutely better, I think we can all agree on that. Oh, no question. Oh, in minstrel shows. Right. And I think it's, I mean, and again, I can't speak for you, but I think that now, now that so many black stories have been told in movies, like we've seen so many black protagonists, we've seen especially of black women and women of color, I think that like now we're finally ready to see other stories than the cut than that of women of color, because it's just like, all right, already we get it with black women and your stories and cinema like oh is it another Oscar where everyone who wins is black you know what i'm saying Kishie you think yeah yeah thank you for mansplaining it like i couldn't have said it better literally literally you could not have said it better that's why mansplaining it

i just read the book of Timothy you're not even allowed to say it better. I know. Timothy, the first man's player. Yeah, right. So he told me, how the hell did this happen, this movie? Well, it feels like it literally got sold in an elevator. Like some producers said, okay, pitch me in 30 seconds. Guy says, all right, it's about a black family

and they, she could stop selling it, stop selling it. It 30 seconds. The guy says, all right, it's about a black family, and they, shh, you could stop selling it. Stop selling it. It's a done deal. We're all on board. Add Jesus, we have a go movie. It's done. You had me at it. You're right.

There's so much cocaine in my bloodstream right now. We're done. And finally, Eli, complete the sentence if you would, sir. Watching War Room was like blank. Watching War Room was like bringing your casual acquaintance, Keisha to a KKK rally without telling her about it. That's what this movie experience was like for me. This was like bringing Keisha to a horror movie.

Because everyone else in the theater that we were in was watching a Christian movie and they were enjoying it and talking to each other about it. But I was watching Keisha gasp and sigh in horror and despair while everyone else in the movie clapped and cheered. Now we're going to get into the breakdown of this flicking a minute and I'm sure we're going to talk a lot about her but before we even get into that, I want to talk about Miss Clara. Okay, now this is the old lady that's sort of at the center of this movie, she's not

the star of the movie, but for some reason the filmmakers chose to cast an actress named Karen Abercrombie, who is a Pennsylvania Yankee in her mid-40s to play this old Southern woman, and if I'd learned in my research that she was also a white woman in blackface I would not have been surprised so any thoughts on the Miss Clara accent. Do we approve? It sounded accurate to me. I don't know. Oh Lord, I think it's a good ass accent. It's show is relatable. Accurate like that. Yeah. And if you want some pie right now, I'm making pie. And pray and to Jesus. I think that by the way that that actress chose to play

that character, we really got the complexity of her journey. You know what I'm saying? I feel like it was, you know how subtle it is, like using Daniel Day Lewis in my left foot like how limited he was And just like the the subtle undertones of that. I feel like she was like that But the opposite Yes, yes, I think you might have There I just but see I'm I'm convinced that the actress did not want to do that

They were she was just in the audition and the white directors and writers were going, can you do it a little more? Amos and Andy, can you give us more, you know? Try it blacker. Can you do it blacker? I don't want to, I don't want to try to tell you how to do your job, but did not sound very black. Can you do it a little bit more?

I want old white man pictures of black women. Right. I want you to do this way in a way that people will try to pour pancakes or a bad review after these days. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'd love you to do this in a way that reminds me of my my my home, the woman who raised me. I call a Mammy Jane. Like do it do it more like her more man me change now certainly a note in there somewhere but now I will say that I watch this in a theater filled with old southern black women and they were eating it up with a spoon apparently they

also think that they sound funny when parody to the point of overt racism who knew well I mean the biggest thing I think for them is Tyler Perry didn't write all of it. So they're thinking finally white people can relate. And I'm thinking finally. Finally, Tyler Perry didn't write this because if Tyler Perry did write this, you have to understand that the black woman would be shamed for earning more money at any point than her husband. movie. So there wasn't quite enough AIDS for everybody involved for this to be a tire. At least something would have happened if somebody died of AIDS in this damn thing. All right, well, obviously there's a plenty to get to. So we're gonna take a quick break to gather supplies before we set across the desert of drudgery that is war room. Gentlemen, thanks so much for coming in. Oh, thanks for seeing us. No problem. Now guys, before we help you make

another movie, there's some issues I want to talk to about with you. All right, go ahead. Well, see, here's the thing. Fireproof was incredibly misogynistic. It treats marriage as some kind of holy relic that has to be upheld. It's racist, badly written, didn't make any sense. And we really want to avoid that in this next movie. We want to branch out. Oh, we totally understand. Okay, great, wonderful. We're on the same page.

What have you got for me? Okay, it's a story about an African-American family. All right, I like that. We haven't covered them yet. I like it, go home. Right, right, and this woman is in a terribly abusive relationship with a man who is stealing and selling drugs. Conflict, I like it, relatable. This is what I'm talking

about. Real stories. Go on, keep going. All right. And then she realizes what she needs to do is stop being such a bitch and pray in a closet. I'm sorry what? Yes, so she meets this magic lady, this old black magic lady. And she is sassy! So sassy! And then the sassy magic black lady explains that the way you can get your husband to stop being cruel to getting break in the law is to pray in your closet. Pray in your closet. Pray, pray in your closet. Yeah, but here's the best part.

We end the movie with something black people love. I want to point out I am literally afraid to ask. It's gonna be a double-dutch tournament. It is. Guys, no, it's 2015. We are not making a movie about stopping emotional abuse with prayer advice from a magic black lady that ends with a jump rope competition uh... we didn't have this part of this movie will make a fifteen million dollars in its opening week so we start filming monday monday good Monday good

good i don't have a thing on early but then i can we can start later i think i got it. After supper. All right, we're back to start to break down here. And I find it damn interesting that this movie starts with the sound of helicopters and explosions, as though it's trying to fool you into thinking something interesting will eventually happen. But it does not. No.

Yeah. So basically, this movie opens with a female Morgan Friedman, except the things that she's saying don't make any sense. I think the general thesis of her first speech was, every war has a strategy, which is true. That's not true, but it also doesn't make any fucking sense. Just to clarify. every sentence has a period yeah yeah basically my favorite line was victories don't come by accident of course of course no victories come by pure accident I mean the studio execs who greenlist this movie that was an accident but like no

Oh no, I said no well, we're all out of red stamps. All right fine Isn't that the one that's super crazy racist? Yes, it is but we are out of red stamps. All right fine fine make the movie Yeah, and I imagined like GI Joe Jesus like and covered in fatigues. I said I'd be back. Lapender's eyes. Judas, you covering me? No, fuck you Judas. Every time. Seriously. Good. Matthew is crazy eyes because he thought the world was in the end. He's like, come on, let me

Adam. See, now that again, more interesting action packed, I'd probably have a more favorable review. I want to see. I Jesus is good. Shit. We might just have to, we might have to start a kick starter to get down. I want to see. Jesus. Why do we have to start a kick starter? Let's just go to Sony right now. Right? They're taking anything. Right. Exactly. They don't have any more red stamps. Let me go in first so I can use all the guilt and say, hey, won't you give me a movie? And they'll say, well, we have to carry Washington. And that's all they'll know how to say. That's fair. You can lure them in with your little ten racist voice.

And then I'll sneak it behind you and explain that I wrote the entire film. And they'll be like, oh, okay, as long as a white guy wrote it, I don't want it. And we don't want any black woman stories in here because they would probably tell you how destructive religion has been to the community. No. No, can you imagine? They would probably tell you how destructive religion has been to the community. No. No. Can you imagine? Oh, let's make another movie about a white person who helps them.

Yeah. But let's make sure they're magical because like black people have it hard. So like the only thing that saves them is magic. Literal, literal magic. But not Gandalf magic. Like, oh my god, I'm such a good person magic. Yeah, yeah exactly exactly the weakest fucking miracles in the world too. Now we'll get to that but first we have to meet our hero and Elizabeth who is a busy well-to-do real estate agent I do believe because they hand

that to you on a fucking platter like every other plot point in this movie. Yes. She's a busy well-to-do real estate agent for whom. And now listen, I don't know about your guy's house while it's growing up. She is very lax with the grades for her child. Her child has a C and she's just like, that's fine. Don't worry about it. A C is not acceptable. And the very first thing she does in this movie, well first she takes off her shoes.

She takes off her shoes. And I would say that the the major theme of this film more than christianity god in prayer is that this woman's feet smell terrible and that that's hilarious and that everyone hates her for it her shot this is the her relationship with her daughter opens with her daughter

being like your feet smell terrible you should kill yourself. And I mean as we know women everything that comes out of them is like awful and horrific so we should shame them for it. How dare your feet smell. I never smell dads. I mean what are you gonna do bleed? I mean. Fix your humors. What are you doing over there going on god damn mom needs to be leeched again ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha representative or actually he's a drug dealer because he's black but we don't we don't learn that early until later. Exactly. It's a surprise that the black man turns out to be a drug dealer. Yes, exactly. We were like, oh good, good, they're not going to paint this guy as a drug dealer. Look, he's got a good job and a good

career. He's a criminal. Gotcha. Yeah, exactly. Well, but the difference is he's like drug dealer who pays taxes, so it's fine. Yeah, it's totally. Well, but the difference is he's like drug dealer who pays taxes so it's fine Yeah, it's totally fine as we'll learn later on it's totally fine and has no consequences Yeah, right right exactly as long as Jesus is cool with it Just just to give you the level that there is not a single character the husband is introduced by coming in emotionally abusing his wife for wanting to financially help her sister, which the conversation they have where they're just where he's like, did you move money from my savings account into the checking and she was like, I tried to help my sister

and he's like, well don't do it. If any of us on this recording ever talk to our wife slash relationship partner in that way. I would be talking like this because my balls would currently be deposited through one of those little envelope slips into HSBC. Right now HSBC she would have stuffed them in there and entered my instrument like well now that's in our checking account. Now your balls are in our checking account. Well, maybe you just don't get the female perspective on this. And it's really like, you're right. I'm a dumb woman who shouldn't touch or smell my camera.

Like, if I look at money, it's bad. And like helping people is bad. It'll burst if you look at money, it'll burst into flames. Yeah. And turn into tampons. Well, no, I do want to come to the dad's defense a little bit here because if my wife took $5,000 out of the bank account and didn't even mention it, and then I like didn't later find out it was like something awesome for me or whatever. I'd be pissed.

I don't I would I would have come to her like you know, hey honey, um, you know, but I would have been in the inside. I would have been just like Tony. Oh sure. Yeah. We're all Tony on the inside, but you know, the cop puts his knee in your back and then you stop saying that shit. Everyone's Tony on the inside. The difference between this movie and the rest of the universe is that everyone's like, hey man, don't be fucking Tony, that's what terrible people do. Also, I don't know where you live because it's so far, far, far away.

But I'm assuming your house ain't like that. So 5G is probably not as hard for him. Yeah, if Editt takes 36 dollars out of my savings, I'm not like you need to talk to me first. I'm like, did I buy more porn? I think when does Mr. Skin expire? I gotta put this in my calendar. This is on me.

Oh, it's bang, bros. Bang, bros. Skin expire. I gotta put this in my calendar. This is on me. Oh, it's bang bros bang bros. Got it. Yeah, I was it Never mind. Get 72 websites. Yeah, keep it relatable. You like You have no idea how many people who listen to this were just like yeah bang bros You tweeted Kisha you tweeted Kisha you tell her You show her your brand loyalty I will drown you in Twitter pornography No, don't send her porn just send her just tell her you like bank. Don't actually don't do any of this I'm so sorry. Oh God. I'm thunderfoot. I'm so sorry

I Oh God, I'm thunderfoot. I'm so sorry. What have I become? I just accidentally become the polylam of the podcasting world. I was just trying to make a point that my joke was funny. Oh God. Peace or address info number. Why please stop? please stop! Woohoo! Alright, so yeah, so they have a terrible fight to which he goes in the gym and if we didn't think that this movie was going to apply racial stereotypes to everyone, he plays basketball with his friends and then does a backflip at their request. There's no more demeaning introduction to an African-American character than a white guy going, hey man, you gotta do a backflip for me

and him just being like, well okay, backflip. Okay. So he was like the actors of this movie are almost certainly the largest group of black people the writers ever met. Oh, so he was like, they had the set and you know then somebody told them it got cast with a black family and they had no idea what to do. So they took these like occasional stabs at changing stuff for no reason and it's usually something wildly offensive like, oh he's gonna do a backflip and don't basket balls and have a crackhead sister in law.

Right. Well, and I did find it funny that they stayed with the trope that they've established the kentrick brothers and all there's other movies apparently even in their black cast movie the main character has to have an offensively stereotypical black friend well and i i i would just like to point out uh... thank goodness to me only plays

basketball one-on-one with his black friend because Let's never see black people playing basketball with white people just just taking orders. Yeah, I just just taking orders to do tricks Tony you got a sit for me, bud. Okay. No roll over isn't this great? but okay, no roll over, isn't this great? Uh, white men wrote this movie. Well, but I was kind of hoping that they would go the other way, you know, maybe give him a stereotypical white best friend named Skipper Ellsworth or something, you know, that wore a bow tie the whole time. Oh, a stereotypical Jewish friend, Moishi.

Oh, that big, that big. I'm telling you, man, you can't let him move money out of your savings account. You'll go broke I'm allergic to this. That's a bench. I'm allergic In my mind mochi is wearing a juice for Jesus t-shirt Just just so we know he's still passable his pants and in crucifixis right that little process cut into the end of his crucifixis again better than the movie we watched yes yes as would anything be now we get a quick shot here where we see the family going to church and we see that Tony's such a dog he's I

fucking the lady in the next pew and I do want to say about the church. The church was like I don't know I haven't been to a lot of churches but I've never seen one this racially integrated so they can't play basketball together but they do sit in the in the Puset. Oh almost every other one it's like white person black but it's like when they make you sit boy girl boy girl that's what they obviously did with the boy. Yeah, they were like listen we we had a whole big like white person black bread it's like when they make you sit boy girl boy girl that's what they obviously the we

we had a whole big thing because you know the first take they had everyone's segregated so they were like great so the white people on the right and the black and then someone was like no we can't do that they were like really isn't that our churches work no man that's not how they don't sit in different chairs are you sure i'm pretty sure why they're two watervans ones for kids man come on I thought it was because they're taller

I mean there's you can't have racial harmony if it isn't visualized I think is the the point is I, we put all the black people in the front so it seems like the cool church and then in the back just to see a white people. Right, exactly. Just all the people who got paid to be in the movie. And then we go back to the house for more exciting kitchen table action and get used to that, guys, we're going back to the kitchen table quite a bit in this move. This shot about 60 pages at this kitchen table. And this of course has this was my of the many reactions. Listen I can't recommend this movie to anybody who has eyes or ears or the ability to

you know do something more fun like open your ball sack and pour salt inside until it's just full. But if you do get a chance to see this movie with Keisha, it is an experience to see because this scene contains a line where she basically, he's like, oh, I've got to work this weekend. And she says, when were you going to tell me? And he says, I've got to work this weekend and she says when were you going to tell me and he says I just did and He should went oh, it was just a sound of it was just pain It's like watching a mother loser child and I really recommend if you ever want to watch someone in just genuine pain Watch Keisha watch that that line interchange take place. It's really, it's really the depth of despair.

And if you didn't want to watch someone in pain, why the hell would you be listening to this podcast anyway, right? Good point, good point. Yeah, I watched that scene and I remember thinking. I was like, so everything's her fault. Okay. At the moment she tries to assert herself at all, it's like, no, you're wrong. You're black and woman shut up. And you think, you'd think because that's such a grotesque scene that later on, the movie will revisit it and will be like, oh, that was a bad way to behave. The movie will instruct us that like he behaved badly. No, behave badly no no she needs to be such a nanny bitch. I feel like that is like that that would be the character description it would be naggy bitch. That was on the casting listing. That's what they sent out on actor's access. Yeah.

And what's so hard, it's like, I'm somebody who considers myself feminist. So when I see women portrayed as just like she was getting crapped upon and then like being punished for like, same please don't like just stop. If I saw her on the train, I would go, do you need help? They're shelters. You come here. I can help you. This isn't about Jesus.

This is about your personal safety. You come on. And I would I would liberate her. Well, I got to say this movie takes Jesus your personal safety, you come on. And I would liberate her. Well, I gotta say this movie takes Jesus over personal safety quite a few times. Oh, no question. Yes. Jesus would leave her on that train and be like, yeah, go for a job.

Her job looks weak. According to this movie, you gotta hit her body, man. Cops can see black eyes. Oh, crap. And just in case this movie wasn't racist enough, body man cops can see black eyes uh... and just in case this movie wasn't racist enough quite yet this is where we get to meet miss clara whose house uh... apparently a lisabeth is is showing yes and the first scene we ever see with miss clara she is making a white teenager uncomfortable

with how racist she is yes paying in for mowing her lawn or something. And but the way she speaks, you can see the actor or the character or probably both is just like, you don't need to talk that way. I don't know anyone who talks that way. That's... I'm uncomfortable. Am I done in the movie?

I can go? Okay. Now I do want to point out one feature of the home that I found interesting apparently Miss Clara keeps an answered prayer board And I was dying for them to walk into another room where she's got 7,000 unanswered prayer boards somewhere else It all stacked up in the basement or something next her next to her prayer board. She had a picture of Martin Luther King. Yes next to her prayer board she had a picture of Martin Luther King. Yes, just a further... Because she was black, Eli, because black people have pictures of Martin Luther King. I don't know.

Kisha, how many... you're in your home? How many pictures of Martin Luther King can you see at this moment? Well, you have to understand I'm doodling a picture of him right now, making... ...making out with Harriet Tubman. Well Malcolm X is punching white police officers in the face and they're all eating tons of fried chicken, saying hope, I, I mean, it's like no big deal, but I just like started it like five minutes ago, but it's like, it's one of the like thousand in my bedroom. So like no big deal. You have a beautiful mind of Martin Luther King and Matt, right? Minasjay to Worry. You don't understand how much work you just made for me

because now I'm gonna have to draw that doodle as the image for this week's episode. So, should be fun. I hope nobody comes in and sees it. I'll be charged with a hate crime, but this movie was a hate crime. I wanted, when she kept saying, this isn't my favorite room.

I wanted so badly for her favorite room to be a dildo dungeon. Just, pangilette sex tub against the wall and fucking a sex swing and she just walks her in there and she's like, have you ever seen someone get fucked by a machine? Cause go get ready. Now this is called a sippian. God ain't saying nothing about machines. My husband couldn't do this.

Every war has a strategy and sometimes you need a machine gun. See, in my mind right now it it's Terminator 3, but her vagina. And they're winning her vagina. And it's a war against humanity or her orgasm. Anyway, I'm writing that right now. Ironically, still called judgment day. And then there was this super quick scene that I have to bring up because there was just so much sexism baked into this scene. Oh the um, I'm so excited

The Elizabeth at work scene. Yes. Yes. That's the show. Yeah I just wanted I want to plant a flag her friends look like they rented two wax dummies of attractive women But left them in a van in a hot van For like eight to twelve hours and then when they pulled them out they're like, oh, oh, you know what, it's fine. It's fine. We'll just shoot them anyways. They look like these melted half-humans, but this is where we get the line. It's hard to submit to a man like that sometime. Yes. And that that submit word is going to come up again. Yeah, well, that is explained to what that is quote unquote explained away when the woman says Sometimes submitting is like God telling you to duck so he can hit your man

Yes, which if that was supposed to make me feel better. I mean, I'm not a woman so I can't speak for it But Keisha did that make you feel like it was sort of uneven footing? it but Keisha, did that make you feel like it was sort of uneven-funning? Yeah, well thank you for deferring to me, A, that goes against the movie. B, it like there was just something where I think I audibly said, oh no. And... Oh god. Like a horror movie. I was like submitting and like light BDSM or like oh no you mean God okay and no not okay and for the first time I would be would have been okay if she had been like I don't know we've been playing with some pegging stuff

I would have been like oh my god she's just talking about sex she's just talking about sex guys it's just talking about sex guys. It's all right. She was talking about like, or in disproportionate relationship to a man or woman. She was just talking about him tying her up and fucking her. Oh, thank god. Weirdest, weirdest girl talk moment I've ever seen. You know what I like to do when I submit to rape? I pretend I won't submit for a few minutes. You mean you get raped? No, no, no, no, I know. I'm going to submit eventually. I read it in Cosmo.

It's exciting for them. Sex, tip number four. Terrifying. I feel like the deleted scene was, no, I'm worthless. No, I'm worthless. No, I'm worthless. No, stop. No, you stop. Someone should hit us. Oh boy.

They're women. Then someone comes in and they're like, hey, Trisha, are you on your period? Oh, yeah, I am. Get out of the village. You get out of the village for a week and a half. Sorry. No one touched your around the way out there wonders off into the desert we never see Trisha again now we need a red half for god damn it and they burn the office burn her it's unclean

oh shit and then we get we go back to Tony who is we we missed Veronica earlier this he when we first meet Tony He's closing the big deal and there's this this Vixen that comes up to him and tries to pedal her wears. Oh you close the big deal. Oh, well I like to close it now And I would like to point out that the Vixen temptress character in this movie looks exactly like a shark character in this movie looks exactly like a shark. She looks precisely like a shark in a wig. If I'd scanned the credits because I expected next to her character's name to

just see shark in a wig. Because that's what she looks like. A shark in a wig. She wasn't as hot as Elizabeth. I don't know if I could go as far as shark in a wig. She looks like a shark in a wig. You Google image her right now. And you're gonna be like, oh, that's a Sharkin awake. And then you tweet. You tweet it. Noah. And I don't care what you tweet it. No. She didn't even get him whenever you want. I mean, they definitely see for me though, I thought she had intensely curved eyebrows. And all I could think was oh

because curved eyebrows like that mean you're a demon like you are a demon from hell. Herb eyebrows. Otherwise known as horns. Yes. Demon from hell with a vagina. Succubus but like sock that bus and by bus I mean bang bus bang my dick See I brought it back in front of back full circle full circle holy shit tonight downing she does I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I doubted you shark and a wigs. She does look like a shark and a wail Thank you nail that shark and a wink. I want to see her movie So then... Finding Nemo 3.

There's only one way for us to find you. And that's for me to seduce this pharmaceutical rep. Alright, so then we go... So yeah, now we're back at Miss Clarice. Yeah, so... Where she is desperately trying to get this woman to talk about selling her house But she is conducting a mild version of the Spanish Inquisition

No, whenever expects that you know Yeah, yeah, this has got to be like the Realtors nightmare you go in you just want to get the fucking how much do you want for the house and shit She's like how about some Jesus right exactly how's your Jesus is Jesus Jesus Jesus enough then she plays the little coffee prank on her the analogy that she's trying to make here she asks how's your prayer life and she says it's hot or cold and she says in between so she gives her coffee that's in between hot and cold and so what I what I what I what has left me wondering is does that make atheism the iced coffee of theism? Because I'm okay with that. It's a liposetino.

It doesn't like iced coffee. That's crazy. Or coffee ice cream. Let's go further. Oh hellswee. Yeah, because maybe agnostics are like iced coffee. If you're spiritual, it's kind of lukewarm. I mean, I don't have my thermometer, but I can take a temperature of the milk later.

Also, why did, so in the movie, they all drank their coffee black, and all I could think is, so what is cream in this metaphor? Why is there no cream or sugar? These indulge me. Oh shit. Who knows?

Rationality, reason, Pram, right exactly and sugar as joy, obvious another reason why because it's fun It's expatism. It's fun. It's expensive and it makes you fat Things that we all know are true You've been reading conservative a pdf against right she asks at one point the actual question Miss Clara asked is how is your prayer life now keep in mind that this Elizabeth character has not said that she's Christian up to this point well first off it's the odd thing when you were black that is an assumption that still is jarring to me. That's the thing of like, black, Christian, yeah.

Right. Unless you're a jail in which case you're a Muslim. Yeah. Oh. Welcome to it. Welcome to being my nose and face structure. People are just like, so you're Jewish, you know a good lawyer. No.

Oh, it's the equivalent. So it's just like that, right? It's, you know a good lawyer. No. Oh. It's the equivalent. So it's just like that, right? It's just like that. Yeah, exactly. Yes, equally hard to be a white Jew. That's what I'm saying. Guys, hear me out.

What I'm saying is that it's a Jew. Male Jew, like being a white Jew. Yeah, that's a quibbake. We're a fucking third. We're a fucking third every time I hear from you, sir. And of course, this is also the scene where we find out how the movie gets its name. Because we've already teased the,

this is my third favorite room, this is my fifth favorite room. Now she's gonna show her her favorite room, which is a closet with prayers in it. And she says, I call this my war room. She says, why? She says, because schizophrenia closet didn't do well with the test audiences.

We had to go some exciting sounding. Delusion, so. Delusion cupboard didn't play well. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So we went with war room. I mean, I would call it my magical thinking closet. Sure. My magical thinking land.

My pretending box. My pretending box. Yeah, that, I mean, that would sell a lot more. Oh, yeah. I also want to point out, this is the first like relationship talk she has with Mith Clara, where she gets the two worst pieces of advice I could possibly imagine.

The first is she says, by husband is emotionally abusive to which she responds, how often do you pray for your husband? Right. Which is basically like being like, someone's really cruel to me. Yeah, have you ever tried casting a magic spell on him? And then later she's like she's sitting there we cut to them sitting there and talking and she's venting She's venting to someone who is she is taking as a friend. She's like, I don't know how to feel and sometimes He's really cruel to me to which Miss Claire responds

Shut up and talk about my invisible friends some more Oh, you've just she's like all you've done is sit there and complain But how much magic spell have you tried to do have you even tried and guard him? I Don't see no golden smitch I don't see no golden smitch. Well, and she also tells her that she needs a prayer strategy at this point. And that, my brain really went with that one. I'm thinking like, all right, we're going to send 50% of the prayers against the main

front and an auxiliary force of our father's bolstering, the Eastern flank will send the force of elite birthday wishes in the night before to wreak havoc with their supply lines We'll support it with air invocations But the problem is there's no exit strategy in your idea How are we gonna get out? Like when all the prayers don't work at the end We'll say that it's because China secretly fed soldiers into whatever we were praying about and then we just Slowly back away and leave the country in ruins

Jesus is coming back any second. He's gonna take care of the exit That's an exit strategy right there. You just said yeah, we have enough of a prayer strategy We could get a whole hardcore history episode about it now. I'd like to imagine I like to imagine Britney I like to imagine. I like to imagine Britney Spears praying Britney Spears and then then nothing happens. Again. Again. And so now here's kind of I guess we're the plot of the movie kicks in because Miss Clara tells Elizabeth that she needs one hour a day to teach her to pray because Jesus magic is seven and a half times harder than great abs, I guess. Right. Her advice is exactly, and I'm going to say this quote without accent because because I should not say it with the accent. Men don't like it when they's women trying to fix them.

it when these women trying to fix them. Well, that was more racist without the excess. That is the word that white men wrote down for an African American woman to say. Well, it's because the word it just doesn't test well. I would love to be able to do just a quick control app for uppity on the original script. Right. 763 things. But mostly in the descriptions of the characters. But mostly in the descriptions of the characters.

So mildly inaccurate is what you're saying. These black accents mildly in her. And she sends her home with the advice, love him, respect him, and pray for him. Yeah, yeah, wish away your brother. That is the first and foremost moral of this story. Do not solve your problems Wish to Jesus that they're already solved. That's the key piece of advice this movie is giving. And then it's time for her battle plan montage, where she reads the Bible and it's like they've got some hardcore rock and roll in the back one where it's like good turn it down to Bible, she reading the Bible, she clears out her claws and it's time for her to pray. I'll be honest that was the moment in the movie that took me out because I was like that's not what she would listen to

Drop a beat on it I was like rap about Jesus. Don't rock out. Did you ever seen white people try to rap about Jesus? It is the second most offensive thing I've ever seen. The first being this movie, this movie right here. Well, and I love it because at first, you know, we have to, you know, no montage is complete if she gets it too quickly. So we have to show that she's not very good at praying now. So her daughter comes in and she's like sitting in the closet, eating chips and drinking a sprite.

Right. But what I love about this, okay, so the daughter shows up and while she's in the closet and acts like she just caught her master beating with a butternut squash while choking herself with a fucking necktie. It was just this, like, oh my God, you're in a closet thing moment where I guess we were supposed to feel like this is a horribly embarrassing thing to have happen

Yeah, wasn't the fucking dildo dungeon. I mean it was embarrassing. She's a woman and she was eating for pleasure Get out of here You pick she should just open the closet door and been like you're a pig Let's not forget that during the can't get it right montage what she can't get right is sitting in a chair Right, tries a variety of chairs, which she sits in like she just grew legs out of a otherwise entirely torso body And she's like wait till next to I did I fold into themselves do I just if I pull my nose in my mouth at the same time And I blow will they fly off my body? I have no idea how to sit in the chair. So she ends up just eating chips and terrifying the little white friend, by the way. We have a little white girlfriend in this movie

who will come into judge the African American woman throughout. That is this care. That little girl, her entire character journey and her only direction was You're upset and surprised by everything that that character does Whatever she does it scares you. It scares you. She shouldn't be a doing it So then they close the closet door and she screams I can have all the chips I want the children as they run away like a monster And one of the things that like helps to button the scene is they insult her foot odor as a Problem. Oh, yes, uh

Because what is a woman if not stinky and eating alone? Having no value. Stinking and eating alone the Eli Bosnick story Can you eat it alone the Eli Bosnick story? Listen, you're not a black woman you can't take that story. Oh, no, it's totally fine for me to be those things It's still my story, but it's fine. I get to fuck whoever I want and take a cab whenever I want it's amazing I Could fight a cop right now. I could run at a cop with Nothing would happen to me. They'd ask me quietly to put them down it's amazing oh boy

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god a little too loud at one of the jokes and other in there. So then we move on to another gym scene with the EMT buddy because every time they have

a fight we then have to see him working out his black man rage on just a couple of things. Let me say, if we're going to talk about something good that happens in this movie, he is a very attractive man and his body is very well maintained. He's a sexy bastard. I'm just saying that it was a moment I was just, because I remember sitting there, I was just like, I wonder what workout they're doing. Like he looks great. He looks really good.

Oh, are you not into that? I thought he looked really nice. His arms were too big, but the abs, I was all about the abs. Literally I thought about anything else. I made myself gay, so I didn't have to think about the plot of this movie. I changed my sexuality. Don't believe anything anyone's told you.

You can do it. You just got to try hard enough. I was gay for this movie, so I didn't have to think about this woman exposing herself to emotional abuse. Well, she wished super hard in her closet. That's a great synopsis of the film, okay? We're done. Well, no, I looked at the actor who played Tony's body and I went, that's like, like, what are you hiding?

Why? Like, where are you doing that? That's like tiny little penis. That's a cutscene from the movie. And then we get to my favorite scene in the whole fucking movie. This would be the the mugger scene. Yeah the mugger. Where who again in the tradition of the of this movie they made white racist. They were just like, listen we're not racist look we made the mugger white and he has a baseball cap on see see I guarantee you have used called the Kendrick brothers today and we're like hey you guys made a viciously racist movie they'd be like mm-hmm did you see the

mugger slam dunk click yeah so this mugger he sees an older black woman and he's like oh there's some money right there So he runs up and tries to mug her while she's with Elizabeth and Miss Clara defeats him With pure Jesus sex good rebuking. Yes a good rebuking Yes As if this movie didn't have enough bad lessons in it for the people who watched it They needed to throw in the fact that old women should refuse to give up the whatever money they have in their purses and get stabbed to death by Yes, because Jesus will protect you

Wasn't enough bad information in this movie that they just if the if the next scene they had just shown Miss Clara sticking a fork into a socket Being like this is totally fine. What a great way to get things out when they're stuck in here. I mean, I mean, there must have been part of her that was like, that's only a knife. White people usually carry guns. We cool. Like, and also, it was a stabbing. We cool like Like and also it was a stabbing my first thought is that's a knife. I can run. You can't do much like

Like just like like move like get out of the way Yes true Miss Claire could juke him out and just break his ankles. Just like, oh! That would have been more interesting, that fight scene. Oh my God. And the muggers. Oh, I wish Ms. Claire had used black cungs. And then we go right back to Claire's house after, Ms. Claire's house after the mugging and

we get bet more terrible shitty marinal advice about how you should ignore everything and count on jesus right what right down everything your husband's ever done wrong no no no i'm not gonna look at that list even though it might have incredibly valid complaints i'm going to ignore you and tell you to do more magic thinking yes exactly and this is where we get the Grace talk where she tells if she where she explains what an iridim and will piece a dog shit

We all are and how we deserve to choke to death on God's dingal berries for eternity But he doesn't make us so how Luluya that's Christianity and a nutshell isn't it? Well, I mean according to Miss Ms. Clare, it is. I mean, it's different for women of her age and stature. They get a different Bible, the Sancy Black Women's Bible. I mean, that's the one that has rooms in it that are for secret prayin. Oh, right, exactly. That's that one that has rooms in it that are for secret prayin Strategy it's got a whole section on how to take a punch

Yeah, I mean this is basically a conspiracy Movie that really removes the bail of how black people pray and it works and white people pray and it doesn't That's why black people are so much better off than white people. It explains so much. I knew there was a reason you guys had it so good. The minute you've plagiarizing Bible verses onto loose leaf paper is somehow both physically

and intellectually rigorous. Yes, she's drinking raw eggs, she's sweating with useless sweatpants, it's ridiculous. Exactly. There's a Bible verse with a chicken, or chicken with a Bible verse written on it, running around her backyard, she grants it, she nails its head first into her wall.

Where are you? Doesn't she go into shake at some point? Like she just starts like shaken, rocking herself, yeah. Yeah, rock in herself. Yeah. Okay. Just just just making sure that that was the right time she was that wasn't a nightmare.

Are you at? Yeah. No. Um, I mean, I would shake when my husband made me feel emotionally unsafe. But no, this is reasonable. So you should write down everything your husband's done to make you feel unsafe. So I can ignore it and tell you to pray and close your eyes and wish it better yeah ignore it go in your closet

and speaking of emotional abuse this is also where we cut to uh... Tony having his date with aqua woman and uh... okay what are the odds of this there's supposed to be he's supposed to be out of town in a different fucking city and apparently one of Elizabeth's friends sees Tony at the restaurant is like, hey, I think your man's fucking this This shark lady. What do you think right and this this is where she has her breakdown? slash conversation with the devil Which is my favorite scene in the movie. So if you've ever been to a party with a couple that needs to break up and so they have a screaming fight in front of everyone at

that party and you're everyone just holds perfectly still like like it's fucking Jurassic Park and their vision is based on movement and you just watch these people have a screaming fight that's what happens with this scene except it's her and absolutely fucking nobody she just wanders around her house being like and you know what? I haven't had an orgasm from you in two years oh no don't you talk to me that way don't I don't even want to hear it I don't want to oh it's always, oh, it's always about my mother.

It's always about my mother. And I just, I wanted so badly for the camera to pan over to a fat white guy in a devil suit, just like eating a bowl of mashed potatoes, just like, woo! What the fuck did I do, man? Come on! I wanted them to pan over, because I hope they had a pool in that house.

Like, and the devil would be on a floaty being like, hey girl, I'm just gonna stay in this pool for a little bit. I can't talk to you when you're like this, I'm just gonna hang out in the pool. Alright, alright. I'm just gonna hang out in the pool. All right, all right. But like the first mention of the devil in this film, I was like, huh, devil seems relatable. But by the time I see you were like yelling at him, I'm like, poor devil. What have you done to you? I haven't seen anything.

Stop picking on this devil. You know who you should yell at Tony right? By the way if you think that Tony's ever going to get the yelling at that the devil does me you are wrong. Nope she gets it out of her system there and it's not enough. Did she wanders around her house screaming at an imaginary invisible monster? While her daughter is upstairs she knows her daughter's upstairs. She then goes outside And starts yelling just in case all of the neighbors didn't know about the schizophrenia yet Oh, and again, I can't stress enough how much I want to watch a second movie about the neighbors of the main characters in this film

Hopefully to say if they could live in between the couple from fireproof Hopefully this if they could live in between the couple from fireproof and the couple just that same couple that hates each other It's just like oh the black girls the black girls yelling. Is she yelling at us? Oh, no. Oh, no, it's the devil. It's fine Yeah, it's fine. I was worried about a mental health crisis for a second But it's just the devil that's okay Let it go. I mean, mental health, whatever. But devil, we can relate to. That's understandable. Yeah, totally fine. And by the way, speaking of the daughter,

the daughter comes down at some point and is rightly terrified that her mother is screaming into space and then just goes back upstairs to bed. Yeah. Just like, if I came downstairs at the ripe old age of eight or average, all this girl is and my dad was just on the front porch being like you listen to me Mathuzela, I'm gonna get you to fuck a talk to me that way. I'll fuck you up right?

Man no, I ain't nothing between you and me but fear and atmosphere motherfucker I'd be like oh okay time to call the doctor, but because it's this movie. They're just like yeah, whatever I guess mommy's going through a thing Speed smell bad It's like the caveman's Valentine's like skits are for any I as told from the inside Well, and there's a point where like if you were her daughter Wouldn't you come downstairs and be like hey mom? Here's a journal you can get your thoughts out on I'm trying to sleep. I's the first one. I'm trying to sleep.

I have things to do. I'm eight. I'm eight. I'm eight. I've got double-dutch practice in the morning so you could get on some kind of anti-anxiety medication. That would be so nice. And then we learn that Elizabeth's prayers have been answered because Jesus has

smited her adulterous husband with the squirts. Right, but because she's scared away the devil, it makes me think that the devil was preventing the squirts. So that the devil, once she scares the devil out of her house, the devil, she also scares the devil out of her house. The devil, she also scares the devil out of brazeman and the devil is the devil what prevents diarrhea. Is the thesis of this movie? Well of course once you get the devil out of your house but who devils like blood holes. You do miss that part. God loves Uganda. Oh God. I mean, everything in time has shown us that God is in Uganda and in God way. And South Africa. I could just crush it. So now the daughter, again, the comparisons of this

movie to do a horror movie, especially the shining, The scene, because the daughter wanders in, the next scene is the daughter wanders into the prayer closet, and it is, it is shot for shot, finding all work and no play makes Jack a dog like that. Except instead of them going, oh, you're crazy. Let me go hide in the freezer with this knife. They're just like, can I do this too? It's like if the shining had just, instead of that, the kid had just been like, oh, fuck this tricycle.

All work and no play makes Danny a dog boy. I love it. Let's get her. Listen, however you have to get your children to buy in, you do. Now, if they had more axes in the shining, it would have to get your children to buy in you do. Now if they had more axes in the shining it would have been a different movie. So if they had a second mini-axe for Danny, right? Yeah. Here's Johnny and Danny and also Danny.

Yeah and also Danny. It's bring my kid to go crazy day, sorry. He's really enthusiastic. It pops through the dog door at the bottom or something. I love it. Oh, that would be like a really cute the shining. That'd be cute. Like you mean cuter. Yeah, right.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, you're right. You're surfing out on the elevator blood. That would be pretty sweet. He's wearing Ray Bans. Yeah. But dinner out now. And then of course we have to learn that we get another being Jesus E montage where we learn that that Elizabeth is now so

prayerful that she's falling asleep in her prayer room which gives us yet another opportunity to laugh at her body odor when the UPS guys shows up. And physical appearance and hair. I guess all the things that you could possibly be racist about on an African-American woman. And sexist about. Oh, and sexist about. We take a moment to have a white character be like, oh, you look like garbage.

You look like hot wet garbage. You're the worst. You're the worst. I may vomit. I may vomit at the sight of your natural hair. I may vomit and shit. I mean, I'm just showing up here unannounced how dare you do not look fuckable at all times. Like all I know is Beyonce and Rihanna. That's all I know. Beyond saying Rihanna is all I know. So if I can't, don't want to put my dick in you, you are not acceptable, you can fall down.

You gross. You gross. You gross, either UPS guy can dem you. And then of course, Tony comes home from his business trip where he finds Elizabeth list of his phone and sees that her friend has busted him and taxed them about the check he was he was uh... flirting with right exactly which and to her knowledge he has cheated on her right she has not she did not get

feedback from saint didn't come back and be like there you happy and you made a big scene and I gave him diarrhea, all right? All right, this is what we were talking about with Dr. Glauber. You scream at me I do what you say and we get in a do a negative communication loop. You didn't even read who moved my cheese relationship edition did you? I made it all the way through men of the mosque and women of the readers and I feel like I'm the only one who's working on this list women with the fetus and I feel like I'm the only one who's working on this limit. So then we get, and this was another one that really killed in the theater where it's so he finds out he knows she knows and they go to eat dinner and when she puts food on the table and then when she turns her back he switches

his food for her food and everyone in the audience goes, ha she's gonna murder him with poison I get it. Well, when you have all of those feelings inside because you've been emotionally abused, I think that's a fair conclusion. I can't. If she murdered him with poison, I would have been okay. Yes, exactly.

If she had poison to him, I would have been like, okay, movie, I'm on. I'm with it. Andrea, if all of a sudden she had turned around something in the prayer closet and it just been like how to make us and just a Page cut out of the anarchist cookbook and she was she she'd just been making Prussic acid in there. I'd be like that's why she needs a closet. I'm in it movie. She goes on a murder spree Yes, oh no, no, and instead he finds out that she's been zombified with Jesus to which he says hooray my wife no longer exhibits signs of free will Lucky me. Well, he's suspicious. Yes, suspicious of the fact that she's now going to Latin walk. He's like now when you say you're gonna

Let me treat you like shit. I get to treat you like shit. And she's like yeah, yeah 100% all the time and he's like, huh? I don't know if I'm to treat you like shit and she's like yeah, yeah 100% all the time and he's like Huh, I don't know if I'm okay with you. I might still be mad at you for this He's a little mad a little bit. He's just like a little like You say you're gonna be my slave Doesn't count if you want it I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like just end here but it doesn't instead we add a little little bit of conflict when we meet tom now tom is the mean boss and also the element illegitimate lovechild of william h mace and p we herman

and he's noticed that there was some problems with tony's inventory this is rob riner if you went on like a juice fast this character looks like me that oh see that yeah that you're talking about Poor man's Billy Bob Thornton. Yeah, yeah, I was talking about the other guy in the bow ties So yeah, that's basically you're talking about yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, basically you've got Rob Reiner on a juice fast on one side and you've got Bill nice unfuckable cousin on the other yeah, he looks like the bad guy from every Nickelodeon TV. Yes, yes, exactly.

You stole the formula for the bubble McGubble gun. What are they gonna do? What some kid gonna tell me? Oh no, they filled my show with blue ink. Now I'll have to be blue for the entire threat. Again, that would have blue for the entire threat. Again, that would have made for a better movie. Like all other things, all other changes.

Now Tony pulls up in the garage here after learning that maybe there were some problems with the inventory. We can tell that it's going to be bad news because it's raining. Right. Well, and clearly she's not praying enough or like washing her feet enough. I mean, so basically she's a rancid, impure, not holy enough woman.

So I'm gonna go stick my dick and stuff. Uh, and even the UPS guy won't fuck her. Yeah. She's in a big old house and UPS is like, no thank you. I can do best. No, pass. You're garbage.

You're garbage. Well, as much as I'd love to say that the movie ended here, it didn't. So we've got more review yet to come. But before we dive into the finale, we're going to take a well-earned break. So let me very quickly give act three the hard sell Will Tony find Jesus. Yes. Will Elizabeth start taking anti-psychotics. No. Will any movie level thing ever happen at any point in this motherfucker? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the tedious conclusion of War Room. Oh No, the bow went out into the street.

I'll get it. Hold on little buddy. Jesus! Where you about to run into the street to grab the ball, Tommy. Uh-huh. Well, let me give you both an important piece of advice before you do. Okay. Remember, and this is very important.

Before you go out into the street to get something you should always shun black people. Sorry, what? Say again? Hang out with black people is called race mixing and it's specifically forbidden, Genesis 28 and Deuteronomy 7 and 32. But my dad says they're all pink on the inside, so it doesn't matter. And also, don't forget to revile the Jews like it says in John 8 and Matthew 27. My mommy says I can play with whoever I want. Yes, but your mother is a woman, so what the hell does she know? Excuse me? Hold on a second. Are you sure you're not a Nazi?

Now come on, kids. If you're disobedient, I might just have to murder you with rocks as prescribed in Deuteronomy 21 and Proverbs 13. You can't do that! According to the Bible, I can. It also says I can hit you with a stick whenever I want. I didn't know it said that in the Bible, G.I. Jesus. Well, now you know, and knowing is half the battle. What's the other half? Talking to yourself in a closet. Hmm.

Have you ever wished that you could unlock your magic old black lady Jesus powers? Do you yearn to stop muggers, fix marriages, and give people vengeance diarrhea using only the powers of your gumpshin? Well, now you can, because for the first time ever, the never before released sassy black woman Bible could be yours for the low, low price of 49 99 You'll learn passages they don't have in the regular white people bible passages like and yay Verily he said unto her let not your hat be normal sized But instead let it be a giant and very expensive one He who walks without the hat the size of aboat, fucking a manatee covered in birds,

walks not in the light of the Lord. And lo, they agreed, with what was being said, spoken or viewed, and so pressed their tongues to the back of their throats and spake thee, and it was good. For even though Miss Sherry's jam won the prize at church competition every year, she only attended church on Easter and Christmas, so she was cast out. And because it was heard that her husband had something on the side, and she knew about it because barely some women just don't know how to keep their men. So don't hesitate, act now and unlock your magical sassy black woman powers today.

And we're back for yet more self-inflicted punishment. Last we heard Tony had lost his job, but just in case getting fired isn't one of those universally recognized bad things, the director chooses to reinforce that message with a quick nightmare sequence. Yeah, where Tony has a kung fu fight with Tony. Which was cliche when they did it and Empire strikes back, by the way. Right, yeah, exactly. And I'm sure you were sad that Tony was wearing a shirt

in the fight scene. I was, I was, in fact, if they had taken off your shirt, and maybe Tony and Tony started to kiss a little bit, like my first Tony doesn't want to kiss, but then big strong Tony grabs Tony as an arm and he just presses his lips to his mouth and you just, you just watch Tony's knees go weak. Yeah, and what, and, uh, you'd edit all of that out. I'm getting very nervous this year.

All right, cut. Cut. No, that's gonna be the teaser that starts the show right there. I like it think is like and then all of a sudden like evil Tony goes no let it happen. And Tony's like all right he's like you got a good body. I know I do. You got a good body too. And then. And then the rest of this movie then there's 90 minutes of just condomless bearback fucking

and you know what i would think to myself i would think wow the second half of that movie was better than the first that move at least we now know it's going somewhere alright i get this so but instead no we go nowhere instead Tony wakes up and he wanders around his house like a roaming spirit clinging to the mortal realm and then he finds the the prayer room as well and I want to say I think I

Haven't on the math here, but I believe about 18% of this movie's runtime is people finding other people's prayer closets Yeah, everybody has a walk-in closet. Yeah, what's up with that? I don't have I couldn't walk into my closet and pray. I could walk into my closet and hang myself, but I didn't think it was praying in there. Mine's not that big. I'm gonna watch this movie. Well, and earlier in the film,

he Tony insults her for not making enough money. But the moral of the story is she, if she's really submitting to her husband, her husband should at least like do his damn job and work all the jobs like right. She's the breadwinner who has to submit and get yelled at. Where is any woman in this writer's room? I mean they mean- Oh I'm I'm sure, like, stdoling out the sandwiches and pouring the coffee. Who do you think they fed themselves during their writing?

No, I'm not. No, they were just busy deleting their Ashley Madison account. All right. I just, just carefully going through. Those were the two women on Ashley Madison, the wives, the authors, the two women on Ashley Madison the wives we found them I've got to say what does it like to be married to a person who has made

at least two movies that we know of about how marriage is terrible and it's miserable but you have to stick with it anyway otherwise the devil will eat your balls or whatever I mean what does that say to these guys wives? Well, it says exactly what you just said, but they can't answer back because they're stupid devil-in-it. Because he powdering shoes. Does it matter? It's not a conversation. It's a monologue, so they can get their horror faces and stop being complaining. That's true. If they only had one side of the intelligence squared debate, we'd have a pretty conclusive debate.

All right, here's William Lane Craig for three hours. Oh, God. Then he's going to look at a chair and act like Sam Harris didn't show up. Well, I guess Sam's got nothing to say about this. This is a drag-out knockdown punch. And then we get another scene with him hanging out with his buddy, and I only bring it up because we have to have the obligatory Women B Loving Day closets seen. Oh, of course, the Women Day B Loving Day closets, and of course, there's the weird,

I'm so envious of how much your wife pray and sing. They talk about praying like it's anal. They're like, oh, she just prays all the time. Yeah, man. She's constantly prays, bro. Constantly, prayer on tap. Yeah.

Do you ever like watch her when she prays and then you start praying? Yeah, sometimes sometimes she'll be praying and I'll just start praying. I'll just start praying, bro She doesn't even know but then our kid comes in and prays with us. It gets weird The other night I woke up in the middle of the night she was just praying over me. Just praying over me in the middle of the night man. So I prayed myself to sleep. But we hadn't really mentioned the double Dutch undercurrent to this movie. And I honestly thought that this was going to be kind of a cool twist to it because at first when we first learn out that the girls on a double Dutch team Dad's like that isn't a sport that's bullshit and I thought at the very least that maybe you know like dad would learn that that really is a good

What any kind of does but they don't even really fuck with it I just bring that up now because eventually that becomes the only part of this movie that matters Right, yeah, no, we're gonna we're gonna close out on some serious doubleutch and if you're thinking that we're gonna see some like really high-end Double dutching like some really impressive aerobic double dutching No, we are not because double dutch is a limited in boring sports I just want to point out by the way that double dutch is fucking awesome But what you see in this movie is absolute shit. Okay. I apparently missed out on the great the greater sides Maybe the Christian stuff the pros they're amazing like that like the really top quality double double

Dutch teams are Unfuckin believable and it's really impressive shit and I thought when this movie's decided to end at a fucking double Dutch competition I thought oh at least we'll get something good here, but no we didn't it was really fucking lame They got the kids at that particular Christian camp that were best at double Dutch, but we're getting ahead of ourselves there Oh absolutely because I have so many thoughts on the sweet Double Dutch, but my screenwriter, brain, had a realization that you'll understand. So the father ends up in the movie, as you were saying, becoming a part of like the daughter's Double Dutch desire. and the thing I just realized that's why they had to show them doing a back flip

Yeah, to show that he can drop and dance and Because it's a tight script that's why everything that's introduced Like a multi-spot that racist thing out of nowhere was foreshadowing Yeah, I call it Negro shadowing, but it's fun Shadow shadowing if you will turn off the lights. Let me see your eyes So then this is where they have after they come get the car This is where she should rightly say hey, what the fuck did you do? come get the car. This is where she should rightly say, hey, what the fuck did you do? But instead, she delivers a monologue about how because she loves Jesus so much, she loves him. And something

happened during this scene, did anyone else notice? A tear falls out of her eye and rolls down her face directly into her open mouth. No, I miss that. It's the most terrifying thing in the world. It's just because her mouth is wide open from like crying and the tear rolls directly down her cheek into her mouth and she swallows it and I will never think about anything else ever again. As God says, we not want not. That's right.

Yeah, if it's salty swallow it, that's the other thing. If you watch this movie, watch for the forgiveness scene. She cries directly into her own mouth. It's like a fucking Kafka-esque, HP Lovecraft Knight Nairale. Like, she's just a creature that comes out of the body that constantly cries into its own mouth just drowns its own tears

So it so then you know Tony like breaks down and says he wants to be more Jesusy and so Elizabeth calls Miss Clara so we get to we get to watch Miss Clara celebrate and this is she goes buck wild Oh my god like this is the moment I think where the whole She goes buck wild. Oh my god like this is the moment I think where the whole Miss Clara and Jumima thing absolutely froths over. Oh, this is where it peaked I stared at Kisha. I stared Kisha in the eye the entire time she danced which I don't I don't know if I'm wrong about this Kisha correct me if I'm wrong blasted for 487 minutes This woman's self. I just like oh

487 minutes this woman's self are just like oh oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no ever have had in this moment as we watched with one eye this woman do 95 hours of racist dancing the thing that we're missing though is what did it say in the screenplay yeah right how did you write it okay she dances not not specific enough she dances enthusiastically right, let's get more specific. She does that jazz dancing that makes people want to celebrate. All me, Joey. Yeah, that's a good sequence. Pass. I was so terrified in this moment.

Just asterisk. Shuck and jive. No, I got so terrified at this moment in the movie because like she starts asking moment just asterisk shucking jive a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They were all break out into song. I'm thinking fuck I only know the first 12 words of a man Yeah, the entire audience like turned into a burn from scrubs right Three little white girls swear to God right in front of us three little white girls talking back at the screen going Testifying is glad it was really awkward. Oh horrifying. I would have just been like hey my brain am I crazy Crop into the projection booth.'ll think we work here dear God Keisha save yourself No, I can blend I'm fine

You don't belong here You're like covered in zombie guts. Yeah Covered in the blood of Christ. I love it. I just put on an old lady wig and they buy it. It's fine I'm not the appropriate age but who cares? Who cares? Does not have to be who watched or made this movie. So now we go to the the drug confession scene where this movie didn't I guarantee you they finished this movie was supposed to just be credits after he apologized to his daughter. Maybe they had planned on the double Dutch tournament who the fuck knows but they were like nope we need 30 minutes yeah well he's black so he hasn't dealt any drugs yet in the movie that's gonna have

to happen eventually right and this is this is the moment when I realized that like he'd been selling the drugs because I thought oh you know maybe his numbers were just off and this is when they were like oh no he's been stealing and selling the drugs that I realized, oh, you know, maybe his numbers were just off and this is when they were like, oh no, he's been stealing and selling the drugs. That I realized that the message of this movie was to tell young black women that their abusive drug dealer husbands would stop being abusive drug dealers if they just prayed about it. Well, and shut up and shut up. Yes. if they just prayed about it. Well, and shut up, and shut up. Yes, shut up.

And left him alone. Yes, shut up and pray. And your life, like drug dealer, your drug dealing has been goes away. And he loves you again. And he doesn't, and he rubs your feet. And he fucking buys you ice cream and shit. And just all that fucking horrible.

And all of a sudden, it just, that in that moment, this movie crashed down on me like really hard So during this scene it was weird because I was on a very different emotional plane than everyone else Everyone else was like oh what's gonna happen? I was just like oh what a horrible lie What a horrible so I'm just over in the corner rocking back and forth being like no you got to get out of those situations So then Tony brings the drugs that he still has that he hasn't sold yet back to poor man's Billy Bob Thornton and Alfred E. Newman's dad.

And they can't decide whether they want to prosecute him. So sling blade buys him a couple extra days while they think about it. But he has to do it because dammit that's the right thing to do and Jesus Jesus. Right, and he does. The the the bow tie character Tony, I think his name is. The one who, Tom, Tom, who is the bad guy?

Tom is right and I just want to take this movie plays Tom as like a meany face, but he is committed pharmaceutical fraud, which is a huge fucking deal. And no one in the movie ever acknowledges when Tom's like, oh no, he stole a bunch of drugs for a pharmaceutical company. Yeah, this puts all of us at risk, this put patience at risk, this put everyone he sold the drugs to at risk. Well, yes. But I mean, my thoughts are though, like one of the things that I'm missing piece of information and maybe my brain was glazed over from the movie they never said what kind of drugs are they schedule one narcotics like what are we talking to about schedule two narcotics or are we talking about insulin? I sell insulin to black people because

insulin. I sell insulin to black people because insulin is expensive and people are losing limbs. Like, there could be like a Robin Hood effect, but like what drugs is he selling? Right. And when he opens it up, it looks like little eye droppers. So like, what the fuck could that even be? He does mention to the doctor that it's about the heart, because he says I read your paper about heart arrhythmia. and I think you'd be interested in pranks and Mac pranks and Mac or Prangham Panties. Yeah, nobody's getting high on that. So I'll get high on that. I grew up a white kid in the suburbs. Don't tell me how to live my journey. My people been getting high on everything within a 45 mile radius since time began. And just getting away with it, I'm so sorry, you were right.

So, I need to judge. We can ask the cop for a light. It's amazing. Our people put poop and jugs and smell it for fun, okay? We can get high off anything including barracks a pan so that we get another musical montage of them being a good Jesusy family and I only bring it up because I mean there's like five of these in the movie but I bring this one up particularly because the name of the song that is playing in

the background is crazy faith and it sounds exactly like you think a song called crazy faith sounds. This is like this bumpkin country song playing over the top of this black family going to church. And they might dare not to believe in Jesus but fuck them, they're all a bunch of Jews. Kill them? 9-11 were started by the Jews, Jeff Fudon burned that heart! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha other than that he nailed it yeah and then uh... billy bob thorton comes to see him and i guess he's so impressed that that tony brought the drugs back that he decides not to prosecute uh... right which is a craze no shut up it's not a crazy moment guys it's a magical white man moment

i was wrong i'm sorry this movie is magical thank you magical white man for saying it's okay Give us back that money because you were given out heart medicine to people you know Selling heart medicine to people who probably have bad heart and drugs So you steal samples so people can live. Stop it, black man. I'm magic. Listen to me. Yeah. But I'm, and in this he says, I have never, I have never seen a man take total responsibility

for his actions in the way you did. And I was like, never Never met anyone who's like, oh, sorry man my bad Everyone in that man's life up until Tony's been like nope. Don't know who backed in you I've no idea yeah, and then he just poofs off into the distance just oh how much was stolen $19,000 worth of life-saving heart medication What are we gonna do about it? Who the fuck knows? Who cares? This white horse to him and says Tony that was God's grace and I'm thinking no that was Billy Bob Thornton stunt double, but sure why the fuck not yeah, that's a miracle. Yeah fuck Fuck thin rob Reiner man. He comes in and he's like I've you know

I've really thought about this and I want to give you a second chance And she's just like thank you god and he's like oh actually that was me. Thank you god All right, I'll see myself out and indeed he does just wanders out into the night I'm just saying as far as white squad that ranks below the latest toast appearance and if you thought hey Well, you know what now everything's been resolved the movie the movie can end. You were wrong because things are going so wrong. So wrong. Because now we get back to Miss Clara's house because if you'll remember, 875 minutes ago, we were selling her house, who knows why, where we have to totally mystifying things happen.

So they come in to the house, she's showing this couple around, and the husband, who is a preacher, can smell that someone's been praying in the closet. And he says, someone's been praying in this closet, to which I wrote the Eli Bosnik story. But the way we learned this is that he walks into the closet and then he backs out and walks in like nine fucking times. Like a wind up thing that broke. Like he's sniffing around like a bloodhound and the escaped fugitive walked in and out of this closet several times. Right. Yeah. Right. It smells like the prayer is baked in. That was the life. Yeah. I think it's time for the James Randy million dollar closet sniffing challenge for the sky right exactly now someone's been praying someone is praying in one of these eight closets if you

can tell us 14 times in a row on stage what Jamie and switch stairs at you then you get a million dollars but if you can't we're gonna we're gonna videotape it put it on the internet fun of your ass. I didn't come out until I was in 1995. That's a problem. We should all acknowledge. I want to know, because I'm curious about all of you. What is baked in prayer smell? Like what does that smell like?

Probably chicken. Bad feet perhaps? Yeah, I'm gonna go with it. It smells like tears. Like if you've ever cried into your own mouth over and over again like a crazy Deep C.H.P. Lovecraftian nightmare monster It's probably what the inside of that monster's mouth smells like yes I was I was about to say the same thing, but Eli beat me to it. Yeah, we finish each other

And then of course we have to get the obligatory scene where Elizabeth thanks, Ms. Claire, for being all intrusive in Jesus' and this is a key scene in every Christian movie because they have to send the message, no, I know it seems like you're just annoying the fuck out of them, but eventually they'll thank you. Right. Well, but that's how you get a husband in these movies. So, of course, stop annoying me stop annoying me final Mary you now it's Not legally raping some states Let's be real it's not legally raping all states you know what I'm saying

You know what I'm saying? There's a huge God's law. Exactly. We allow that kind of thing to happen all the time. Am I right? Am I right? Yes, you are right. So So then they go to the double dust tournament? Yes, they jump rope. Well, but now along the way they have to come across Alfred E. Newman's dad again and his his car is broke as his cars not even broken down the guy's got a flat fucking tire and he's got a spare tire in a jack there is the mean guy who looks like a sneech from dr. sus right yes yes orville redden bockers illegitimate son is over here and he can't any cuck on his phone is like well god damn it who's

gonna change this fucking tire that i have sitting right here next to this jack and uh... and tony shows up and changes it for him. So yes, this movie has now become an LDS commercial. But he changes it in silence. Like no more dark change. He changes it in silence. And like the whole time I'm just like someone talk. Someone say something.

Hey man, thanks for it. No, I just wanted to. Don't ruin it. It was horrifying. Also there was that terrifying moment where he pulls the tire iron out of the back of the car and I was like is this movie gonna have Tony like beat up the guy who wanted to prosecute him for pharmaceutical fraud. Is that are we going to get is that our day new mall for this character is him being assaulted to sleep on the side of a ron again would have made a much better movie but now he just changes the tire and then we get along to the uh to the double Dutch meat

which apparently is one of those you know how we have those athletic competitions where grown fucking men competing against eight-year-old girls it's one of those it starts with a Caitlyn Jenner and now full grown men compete with eight-year-old girls they were right my cock-a-bee was right oh I feel like an eight-year-old girl and now Tony the Adonis is just creaming his way across the double dot circuit. We were warned. We were warned.

And now we get the money shot of the movie I guess, which is Tony doing sort of a side flippy thing into the jump ropes, which they break it down into slow motion. And I just wanna point out that he actually didn't get it because the way that you're supposed to do this is to fall, you know, into the jump rope while the jump rope is still going, but he couldn't do that. So they didn't do that.

They just had him do a flip that had nothing to do with anything and then start doing jump rope next to a jump rope. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of weird. Just someone doing a back flip next to the jump rope. Also, this was really mediocre double Dutch. Yeah, apparently I'm told that double Dutch can be incredibly impressive This was not if you have fat kids doing the stunts in your double Dutch movie It's not going well. There was a kid there who was like my weight who just like had sweat pouring down his face and like half a cheeto sticking out of his mouth They have not brought your double Dutch a-game if one of your kids is like

they didn't say we were gonna be jumping rope I mean there was a certain point I was like where the defibrillators on this Like where's the safety come on These people are not athletically prone. By the way, citywide double-dutch tournament filled filled with people 850,000 people watching this citywide double-dutch tournament I did not know that double-dutch tournaments existed. I wasn't a hundred percent sure on what double-dutch was until I saw Someone doing it, but apparently a citywide tournament

Outsells the LCS Eastern Cup finals. Yes. Yes, it does. Yes, it does Also, like why is he competing like in instance? Like it's the thing that I kept coming back to where I was like nobody's thinking a most of the double Dutch teams Leemed white. Why is this very muscular black man? Scaring our judges. I want to see those kids all the bus ride home, who got a third place just being like, so that was weird, right, with that other team?

Why was it weird about it? Oh, you know, they had that like really full-grown muscular athlete grown up on their team. Like a donnis. He was and he was a donnis. But there were also some eight-year-old girls on the team so it was perfectly natural. Right. Exactly. Yeah and we all know girls are stupid. So stupid. Get your periods thinking. Rose, wash your feet. Dress up for the mailman. And now the movie's over, right? Nope.

Nope. No, we need the rise up my lesion section of this, which is, let me tell you, the ending of this movie, which is I think maybe somewhat happy for the people who were watching it is the beginning of a scary movie for me. Right. Because her last monologue she's just like, bring up that there. You can listen to them. I'm not gonna do it. But she does a whole thing and then we have a picture of a guy reading a bible on a

tract on. A school full of Christians. Christian cop, a, a, a, and on duty Christian cop. Yes. And on duty Christian cop, a Christian baby, prayer in a classroom, and then what I can only assume is the anti-prite, anti-Christ blocking out the sun with clouds of blood. Because the final shot of this movie is just a white man with his hand held out as the

sun descends into a sea of blood. Now I want to point this out because this was just so bizarre to me. Okay. This movie ends with, you know, prayer in school and people just crowding, then they just churches are so packed because all the people are going in and praying this movie actually quotes Matthew chapter 6 verse 5 Here it is for you if you if you're not familiar and when you pray do not be like the hypocrites for they love to pray Standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others this movie quotes that line That's why the ladies inter clause at praying and at the end of this fucking movie They show the public hypocrite praying massage what the ever lasting fuck they've they've they've they've they don't they don't they're not even watching their own movie to be fair

those people are not praying at the end of the movie they're gearing up to kill all the Jews and all the muskets oh oh they're they're just closing their eyes to sort of catch their breath I don't know if you like when you're super setting and you got to get that last 15 reps in that just there they've all got guns and knives just out of frame. That cop's going to go murder someone. That's it. You know, I'll just click to it. It just clicked with me. I get it now. That and now and now the movie has closure. Oh, so good. Finally. So I have a two part question for everybody. What were we supposed to learn from this movie and or what did we learn from this movie? Well me is women be loving closets. Am I right?

Yeah, it's gonna settle for humor in this movie. So they've done cop sitting at a kitchen table, firemen sitting at a kitchen table, football coach sitting at a kitchen table, and real estate agent sitting at a kitchen table. So what do you think table football coach sitting at a kitchen table and real estate agent sitting at a kitchen table so what do you think is up next for the Kendrick brothers what would you like to see out of them now maybe maybe move on to a to a breakfast knulker something try something different so I mean that they've taken on all of the heroic professions now and they're slowly moving down the line so I think the next movie we should see from them should be rabbi sitting in a kitchen table i now hear me out here here's what

it is it's this is a movie right but written by the Kendrick brothers about a Jewish couple all right and her name is ester yeah of course yeah and her husband's name is moishi and moishi dropped a penny in the street 44 years ago and he's never home because he's always searching for it but she realizes that she's unclean when she goes on her period so she starts bathing herself in water and leaving the town for the time that she's on her period and when she does that her husband comes home and shaves off his beard and wears

clothes that aren't black all the time and does some sit-ups and loves her. And their three in-bred, super skinny, campy, haven't toy-store children all learn to behave and get a real education from a public school instead of a crazy secret Hebrew school education where they only learn how to read pages out of a spell book and it's called Jew Fly Don't Bother Me. Oh, should I hope they watch summer 2016? Fantastic. So Kisha, we try to steer clear of thumbs up thumbs down type clichés.

So rather than asking you how many stars you would give this movie or anything like that, I'm going to ask you this. What is the dullest implement that you could chop one of your own fingers off with while still having more fun than you had watching this movie? Not to get meta with it, the dullest thing and it's not dull, but I would take the feminine mystique and as a book I would begin sowing off my limb because clearly women need to know their place and only through female mutilation with feminist tools will I truly understand that feminism is the reason I'm bleeding out slowly. You have no one to blame but yourself. That's what happened to Charlize Theron and Mad Max.

It makes so much sense now. I mean, I want to just take this moment and the podcast to apologize for being so uppity. And... All this speaking and hopeless. Let her talk, go ahead, get it out. No, I'm sorry, I've done too much. I'm so sorry.

I have to go serve my husband. I get it. I'm going to go beat up my girlfriend with a Bell Hooks collection. Rush. Please, please do, please do. It's for her. It's for her. She has to know that intersectionality is just as terrible too, so I don't know what that means

Well, it's like when you're like two things. Oh God. I've said to you Oh, so boy, so boy, I can't teach you on something now. That's against the Bible too. I read me some Timothy today I'm all fired up. All right. Now he don't want to give you kind of the same question. I'm gonna switch it around though All right, what is the sharpest implement that you could insert into one of your orifice as well, having more fun than you had watching a war room, and please specify the orifice. Okay, I'll say a trombone tuned at A445.

That's pretty sharp. Covered in aluminum foil and shoved into my root canal area that just got opened up. Oh, sounds like fun. That's a good one. And finally, Eli, what is the most uncomfortable conversation that you would rather have with your mother than give War Room another viewing?

I would rather my mother accidentally attend a performance of me in Blackface, and then that backstage conversation where she's like, you said you were in a show but you didn't say this I would rather that than this because basically that's what I did to Keisha what I did to Keisha is I brought her to a black face show I was in and I was like you want to talk about it afterwards so Keisha from all of us here at the God awful movies podcast are deepest deepest to pop a show very sorry terribly terribly sorry well thank you for i mean this is been a journey so i want to thank you for showing me a movie that shows me

while at why everything i've been doing is wrong uh... important that's important now i know my place uh... good i'm gonna go service my husband right now and I'm sorry America Yeah, so so thank you for thank you white men for teaching me how to be the black woman I should be If I had a nickel. So, Keisha, if our listeners wanted to hear more from you or see more of you, where should they go?

So, I have a podcast called The Soul Glow Project. It's different in tone. It's about, I'm sorry guys, it's about celebrating diversity and comedy. Boo! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Boo! John Stewart was the best! I heard, I heard diversity, I don't like it. Yeah, no, you're right, I'm wrong, it's stupid. So, I mean, you could go to the slow so glow project calm no w you can also Find me doing shows all over New York. I have a web series called in-game

that is pretty funny. It's about live-action role players and You can go to in-game the series calm and find that there and and you can go to ingame the series.com and find that there and Yeah, kushazollar.com. I like put stuff there not all the time But like sometimes so like do that awesome And of course we'll have all of that linked in the description box for this show Thank you one more time for joining us tonight Thank you

And of course that does it for our review of War Room But that's not gonna do it for the show just yet because before before we close it out, we're going to dedicate a few minutes to our next cinematic stillbirth. So Eli, what's on deck? The original Kirk Cameron starring left behind the movie. Finally, some Kirk Cameron. I know, I've missed him. Now, it's worth noting that we already watched the remake of this one with Nicholas Cage So we're actually gonna be watching a movie that is so bad

They upgraded it by adding Nick Cage. Yeah, exactly. You know you know that this is a bad movie when they were like Oh, what can make this movie better? I don't know what about the crazy guy from bad lieutenant. Yeah him Let's throw him in there. You know what's not you know what was what's not crazy enough this movie No, kid now I will say though based on the preview this one looks a hell of a lot more exploding Yeah, exactly this movie looks like it's trying to trick you into thinking it's not a religious movie It's very much like if you were to tell me that this wasn't based on left behind But this was just called the missing I'd be like, I don't know, looks okay. Looks okay.

Yeah. At every point in this preview, it just seems like it's going to be about searching for missing people. You get a smidge in of Jesus with the black guy being like, I knew your word. But I don't know. I don't know.

That could just be like aliens or something. I feel like I would have walked into this movie in the 80s and been like, I hear it's really good. They're trying to figure out where oh my god what happened Now can you believe this movie was made in 2000? Oh, no Yeah, it sure looks like 80s from the preview that so does the every Christian movie we see looks like it was made 50 years before it was made Well, not only that but also the the attitudes that are being expressed seems about 50 to years

out of date, too. Yeah, exactly. And I'll tell you what, I think if I'm not mistaken, in virtually every scene they show in the preview, Kurt Cameron is on screen. Like, even if he's just standing next to whoever's talking on the preview, it's like they really want to reinforce.

There's someone in this that you recognize. Yeah, this is also OG, crazy Kurt Cameron, so I definitely recommend it. Now he sort of looks like a strung out, meth addict, like, oh, okay, meth's been with him for a while. But this is like, if you ever had a buddy, you had a Coke problem, this is like very early on in the Coke problem where you're like,

I don't know, he seems like he's got a lot of energies doing really well, he's dating that girl now. This is that face, before we see religion turn Kurt Cameron into smegel. This is where we get to see him where he's just like oh I guess he went crazy but it maybe it's not hurting him and I hope as we watch these three movies to watch him go further and further down the rabbit hole of madness yeah yeah exactly the beginning of the end and yes that's right we're doing the whole fucking trilogy three straight weeks of Kirk and the Atheist say there's no hell

Witness me So with that to look forward to will bring the episode to a merciful close Once again a huge thanks to Keisha Zeller for joining us tonight and an enormous thanks to all the patreon donors That help makes the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes. I'm sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling show,

the skating atheist and the scapter crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher or wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Vivaldrafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, you can hear more by following the link on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath and right, Neely Bosnick, I'm No Illusion, promising to work

hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you. Thank you.