God Awful Movies - 300: 2025: The World Enslaved by a Virus

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

This week, Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance podcast join us for one of the most joyously awful movies we've watched to date. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Hear more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance. Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He's about to go kiss her and he's like, sorry Kenna, fuck can you take off your like 1800s dimension hat? It's no no no fucking five of those west. I don't know why you have done that out of nowhere right now. He's, I hate to argue with you, but he does not ask her to remove her tiny little engineers that he gently removes it, kisses her, and then replaces it back up and hooks her in the eye. God awful movie! Ooby, ooby, ooby. Ooby, ooby, ooby. Ooby, ooby, ooby. Ooby, ooby, ooby.

Ooby, ooby. Welcome back to God Awful Movies. We're each week. We watch another terrible movie, so you don't have to. I'm your host, Ethan Wright, and I'm joined by the legendary Ely Bosnik Ely. How you doing, buddy?

300 episodes. Maybe tray Hundo. Yes. Bion. Bam. Bam. All right.

Not going to say this is the season finale because a bunch of people stopped listening when I did that with episode 200. That was super funny. That was a great joke. I made lever and we also have two of my personal best friends. We're going to hang out this weekend. Eli won't be there. Tom and Cecil, cognitive dissonance fame. Tom Cecil, welcome back. What's going on? I just want to say this. I hope I have enough big, dick energy, like

no illusions to miss my 600th episode. And I want to say thank you for having us on your 300th episode, but more importantly, he thank you for hanging out with us this week. Yeah. We are looking forward to really, really besty frenzies. Yeah. It's going to be fucking sweet. Not in front of the 300th episode.

Oh, we're going to get Eli on zoom and just have him watch. I'm going to order an entirely vegan meal. I was going to say you go to nothing with vegan restaurants. I would never do that. I would never eat vegan food. We kind of have to work out of vegan green screen to make this happen. All right, let's get right into it. Tom or Cecil, what are we going to be breaking down today? Tell us. 2025. The world enslaved by a virus.

That's pretty correct. And then they're going to get a reading of the perfect tone and the feel of this movie or what they think is the tone. Yeah, that was by the way more drama than that entire movie. I was going to say Tom did so much more than that. Yeah, then this movie just when it's entire movie. Yeah.

Well, Tom's a native English speaker. We'll get to that. Yeah. Well, that won't stop this movie is native English speakers. No, but that's right. We watched 2025 something, something enslaved by whatever Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the room, but Tommy was those flowery Tennessee William S. Crres took it out of the stark realism that you so needed. You will love this movie. You're telling me a part of this. If they had just played a little bit of American football in this movie, it would have been

just, the one thing they were missing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you guys not like this movie? I loved it. I loved it. I know what you're saying, but I did actually love watching this more than almost any other movie we've done. I was trying to change. If you love the room, you will love, you will genuinely love this movie because this movie is the room except no one's ever going to like put on ironic,

like fundraisers of this thing or invite him to the James Franco's not going to make a scoop of this movie. These Christians are just going to call fun each other and be the four people who die of COVID in Germany. It's the best. All right. Is there anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Okay. I would say this movie has the best worst passionate speech of five. There's a lot of it. Ooh, it is not good. Here's mine, best worst. Best worst, he's ex-girlfriend as a hacker. Yeah, absolutely. Best worst.

He's ex-girlfriend as a hacker. Every time she came out, I was like, Rachel? Rachel is the right one. Yup. He sex girlfriend is a hacker every time she came out I was like Rachel right? If there's a Mel's believable as her fashion career by the All right, so I was gonna go with we kind of handed at it already. I was gonna go with best worst Language barrier I was gonna go with best worst language barrier. Mm. It's right, it's like an ESL class

made a movie at night school and put it together. The cast is mostly German, whatever, that's fine. Like they probably all speak nine languages impressive. Yes, it's smarter than I am. Yeah, right, exactly, yeah. I speak one, but the ESL teachers are in it too and they're even worse. So everyone talks like they're about to get punched in the

face by somebody just out of the frame at any moment, but they don't know when. So there's all terrified. And the native English, there are native English speakers in this movie. And they have to deliver lines written in broken English. Yeah. It's great. Those are Native American speakers in this heath. I would not say they are Native English speakers. Native American speakers. Yeah. Not Native American native from America.

Native American speakers. Yes. It's like they were all like a being trained to speak English with a shock collar on if they made one mistake. Yes. Exactly. A terrified. That's better than punched in the face. speak English with a shock collar on if they made one mistake. Yes, exactly. A verified. That's, yeah, that's better than punched in the face. Shock collar with a button.

I like that. And hey, this is not like, hey, let's all gather around and make fun of ESL people. This isn't someone trying to make their way through a world in a new city. These are German Christians who are like, we must make an English movie about how bad it is. Make it an English. You speak German. I think they speak German three times in the movie with perfect flow and it's beautiful. They could have just had some time on a German movie. Yeah. You're just as stupid and just as undesirable to me with the subtitles off. So perfect.

This is actually getting a little ahead of one of the jokes, but like I, I don't know who the target market for this movie is as a result of that. Is it Americans who we know just won't show up to a movie with subtitles? Is that what is it? Who is the market? Are German sympathetic Americans who won't help for a movie sometime. Yeah, a lot of German sympathetic Americans. So I have a theory about this. Okay. You ever met like a British person who thinks the NHS is a bad idea and you're like, oh, you're a fun, delightful little curiosity. This is the four COVID assholes in Germany, right? Like they're they're evangelical Christians the way Americans are evangelical Christians, but because they're in Germany, they're like,

haunts, if you heard a good word about Jesus Christ, I know it's like shut up, it's so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so far ahead of us, so what they did is they made a movie for evangelical Christians while living inside the nice progressive European bubble. It's exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's like people from the future trying to make a movie for caveman.

Okay. That explains why they knew even in the movie that this was all going to go direct to DVD. They had a session with direct to DVD and this makes sense. They really do. And see, I'm going to go with best worst running. There's a few great. I think you're right. I think you're right. My friends, I have watched Gary Busy run for a trilogy of films, but this movie wins best running. The protagonist will constantly be chased by police and overlords and all that kind of stuff. Whenever there is danger, the main character, the protagonist of this movie will throw his arms up in the air like I'm mopping. Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely. And run so far and so fast away from the action that there will never be an action montage in this movie that is not followed six minutes later by

this panting protagonist coming back being like, sorry guys, Iran super far super silly away. Did I miss two or three scenes? Was there? One shoot in shooting, laughing. Cause I ran so far and so fast. Which is my skinny jeans. That's skinny jeans, fun. Alright, we're going to take a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about 2025, the world enslaved by a virus. Hello? Oh, hey, Heath, what are you doing in this Vince the Cecil's new house?

Oh, yeah. I'm here to watch him film this cooking show Season Liberally. Want to pick up a few tips, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a great idea, but I mean, Heath, if you want great instruction from master teachers, why don't you just try master class? Oh, what's master class? Oh, with master class, you can learn from the world's best minds.

Anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to cook from Gordon Ramsay, improve your storytelling skills, with David Sederris, or learn magic from Penn and Teller. With over 100 classes from a range of world-class instructors, that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than you think. Tom, what are you doing in the vents? I was here for the housewarming party and then I dropped a skittle. I had to get it.

That's fair. That's fair. So, do you guys actually like masterclass? Yeah, I actually subscribed before they were a sponsor. I started for the cooking stuff, but then they had really cool courses on writing, effective communication, even meditation. That does sound good.

How do I sign up? Well, I highly recommend you check it out. Get unlimited access to every master class as a God awful OV's listener. You get 15% off an annual membership. Go to masterclass.com slash awful. That's masterclass.com slash awful for 15% off master class.

Sounds good, Eli, but what are you doing in here? Oh, I just, I just like being in Cecil's house, it feels... safe? You know? I know you guys are up there! No you don't! No you don't! Can hear you in the vents!

Alright everyone, if you can finish your espressos and take off your variety of tiny hats, we can get started with our super important Christian movie. Mine isn't a little baller. It is. Okay, so first of all, we want to thank Greg from Walton, Texas for joining us. Greg was here for his mission and this is really going to open some hearts, Greg, so thank you.

Yeah, no problem. No problem. So what's the movie about? Well, Greg, it's about COVID lockdowns and how it's like the worst things that's ever happened to Germany. Yeah, totally. Sorry. The worst thing to happen to Germany. Yeah, Greg, I mean, can you imagine a period of history where you like couldn't go to the dance and schlaft when you want to? Because that's brilliant. That's right now. Sorry. Sorry.

that dancing shaft when you want to because that's Korean. That's right now. Sorry, sorry, the, the dancing, what? Yeah, and like sometimes I go to the automata and we have to wear a zund, a mask and I think to myself like, wow, Germany has never been this bad ever ever. Germany, the country of Germany. Yeah, never been this bad. Germany is like, has there ever been a time of less freedom in Germany? No. No, totally. No, no. Right. Masks, auto mat. It's just, have you all spoken to your

grandparents ever? Not really. Most of them live in Argentina. Yeah, yeah, that tracks. Mine grandpa is a big farmer. No, he's not. He's not. Big farmer. Nope. Hey, everybody. I'm Eli Bosnick, and I'm Heathen Wright.

And we just wanted to pop it and remind you that it's Matrion. That's right. And there's no better time to remind you to give us money than this are 300 episode. 300 free podcasts. That's a lot of jokes and lots of characters and sketches for free.

And it'll always be free. But hey, did you know that there's an additional 58 secular episodes when you give us as little as a dollar a show over at patreon.com slash God awful. We've got reviews of movies like Batman versus Superman, pixels and tango and cash. Plus every new and upgrading pledge this month gets us closer to goals for our yearly pajama party live stream where we get the whole cast together. We play games, answer questions, and generally thank you for supporting the show. So if you've been meaning to toss us a buck or two and episode 300 seems like a good time to do

it, head over to matrion.com to check out all our fun goals and learn how to donate. And whether or not you got the scratch. Thanks for listening to our show. We feel super lucky that this is our job and without you, the person listening to this podcast, that would literally be impossible. That's true. And now back to the show. And we're back. And we're about zero seconds into the movie before the time dimension gets mangled

by not being fluent in the language that your movie's made in. The title card says, it's 2025. The world as we have known in 2020, does not exist anymore. Very quick speed bump. As we have been not hadn't, blue perfect, no. When your title cards are as grammatically correct

as my shopping list, you know you're in trouble. The title cards this, grammatically correct as my shopping list. You know you're in trouble. The title cards this my favorite way it's just there's just communism all over the place. This is a communist in your hair. It's on your tits. You gotta go get a towel for the communist card to reach places. Absolutely. I guess it's a compliment for all that comments. Also a global state has developed and meetings are illegal. That's exact words. Meeting. Yes, is illegal now. Meeting.

It also says traveling is illegal, but they just told us a second ago, it's a global state. So you're all in the same, you don't need that's not international travel at that point. That's dumb. And of course, Christianity is illegal. Yes, that's true. I had considered the whole global state thing. Hey, you guys want to like go across state lines and get a burger? We'll have a meat over there. No, oh, fuck. It can't be breaking like all the laws. Feels like that was a weird agenda that you end. Okay, so we're all communists. No meeting. Shit. We're in one. Everyone go home. We'll do the rest. Enter key meeting. Everybody just don't we're just be happy. We happen to all be here.

Hey, what if this could have been an email? We're lawn. What if that was a vlog? Now you're starting to sell me on a top. So now we're going to open up with what this movie is pretty sure is a car chase. Not a car chase, but incredible simulation. That's for sure. So slow. It's also he's driving stick and like he's a European so he can kind of drive stick, but instead of like cool badass fast and the furious like He's just like, oh, okay, sir gear cuz I'm on a hill now And he's always like ten and two ten and two

And I love keep your eyes out on the horizon At one point actually starts at one point actually starts swirving the way it would when an actor mimes the driving was like, okay, I hope, because you know there was a day where he's like, okay, I hope you guys are ready for a big stunt. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. All right, did we get that? Because I'm not doing it again, you guys are fucking scared. Right. But he's getting chased by the Globo European atheist police at this point, I guess. That's what we're supposed to believe. And they're in a nice beamer that they clearly do not want to have to pay the rental costs to clean.

So they only pull up because he turns off into a field at one point from the beamer, but the beamer doesn't follow the field. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The beamer stops, they get out and pretend to shoot at him and then a jeep comes out and I don't know where to chase him in his geo-metro as he drives in the middle of a field that you could literally jog next to. He's going so slow. It's amazing.

But the worst part about that scene is that as he's being chased for his life, he turns up the awful fucking music that he's seen. Yeah, he pauses for that. The music will play a very central role in it. Okay, that was bad, but I'm going to say the worst, well, best worst part of the scene was when he finally stops. Oh, this is amazing. He tries to get away for a second and he does stops. Oh, the same. He tries to get away for a half second.

And he does a jump slide across the hood. He does a jump slide. No reason. Because he's just like, jump slide. Okay, I'm arrested. I was just doing that to come to you guys. But he's he's so athletic. They had to cut it.

They had to edit it because you know it took him way too long to actually get on the car. Right? To actually jump up there. So he to, he puts his foot up there and then they jump cut it, they him sliding up and they do not show him awkwardly standing on the car. I'm like, I'm not sure what to do.

What do I do now? He jump slides like he just had both his hips replaced two hours ago. He's so gingerly, my 74 year old father could jump slide across a little bit more. If you've ever helped a toddler down from a playground structure, that's how this jump slide looks.

It was like me stopping on a slip and slide and being embarrassed for a second and being like, I too much friction. I just like to a stop and then just like rolling. It's just a shitty skid mark behind him. like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know,

like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, you And this is where we learned that this movie has a script like I have a workout regimen. This is probably the weirdest interrogation ever. First of all, the cops sitting across from in the interrogation is wearing a tactical vest that he like must have borrowed from a real police station. So they just put black like duct tape over everything other than the word police. And they didn't even do it. Not like in a good, it's just all like fucking clumsily over whatever they're trying to cover up.

Like we're just a police. Not only one state, it would be stupid to name it. And they're very true. Very true. That's that's that's that's like it's like they couldn't spring for a t-shirt or like their budget was this low. I don't know, that was the tape on there. We're already in it for $7.95. And he pulls out the Bible and the German constitution, which we're definitely supposed to recognize

it later on. They have to call it out because they're like, all right, you don't know what's that looks like. We pulled out the Bible and the German constitution and he goes, where did you get these books from? Well, probably Germany, the Germany Constitution. That's probably from Germany. But German Steve Jobs, he goes, Yes.

What's a better question be when are those books from? Yeah. And this is amazing pause while the cop guys like, Nope, no, I want to know where you got them from. Yeah. Also, I got to say, like, as, no, I want to know where you got them from. Also, I got to say like, as interrogations go, the cop doesn't ask any questions. He just gets monologue to act for a long time. Well, this guy plays show and tell, how is that an interrogate?

Yeah, the cops from making a murder or watching from the other room. Man, that guy's talking a lot. the other room. Man, that guy's talking a lot. So he explains that like the Bible, you know, time was different. Life used to be different five years ago in 2020. And he says, you know, we could eat together and they're showing us little clips of what this means. So they show us people eating together. And then, you know, we could see a concert, they show a concert, and then we could candy flip at a club with extremely repetitive music. And they show us people eating together. And then, you know, we could see a concert, they show a concert, and then, you know, we could candy flip at a club with extremely repetitive music and they show us a journey dance club forever. And he specifically says it was a time of peace, love, and ice cream.

Oh, yeah. He does it. So are we to believe that ice cream is the illegal in this world of 2025? I thought he said, peas clove ice cream. That's what I wrote. Oh, specifically the flavor called peas clove. I thought it was peas guy.

I missed that. Okay, peace, love and ice cream. Tear like a jar. This is. This guy is talking to a cop who is roughly his age and weirdly lecturing to him about an event that happened five years ago in their own lifetime. Yeah.

What? He's telling him about this like, well, you probably don't remember back when they're the same age. It was five years ago. What the fuck is going on? Why are you reminiscing at all? And during this reminiscing, we realized that he only got two shots. So it's like concerts, a wedding, that same concert from a different angle. The rehearsal dinner for that wedding.

And at this point, he also says, I don't want to live if I can't believe. And I wrote my notes, is believing against the law. So that would be hard to enforce. but that's sort of like a meeting, the mental meeting. I do want to say too, and they do throw out the message on why they're speaking English, the German people are speaking English though, because he's said at one point, he stops and he says, we got a one world government and English got our world language. Is what? That's exactly what English got our world language is what he said. This is also one of the many, many scenes in this movie that has an enormous amount of unbelievably

clunky exposition that also inexplicably contains no explanation. Yes, absolutely. I've never seen a movie that had this much exposition without any explanation as to what the fuck is going on. Dexposition throughout. If you've ever used a language learning app and there's like a quiz at the end of the first chapter, that's how every conversation went to the store. To the store I go, do you like the store?

The store is up. Is the store up? Don't they ask loudly on the, nope, that's man, no. No, no. Too fluent. Yeah, every time these actors talk, I just wanted to interrupt them and tell them where time square was.

So anyways, and now he's done explaining that, it means it's time to doodly do into what will be the rest of the movie. Yeah. Three months ago? Yeah. Three months ago. Yeah. Yeah. And we're gonna start with main character's sister. They will not tell us this is a sister for a while. Right.

Playing the guitar in what is very clearly her German dorm room, but they're gonna pretend is their house. Very early in the world. One room, that's what they got. That's the budget for the movie. It is the room. It's just, it's actually just this one actual room.

We also have white guy, karate man bun guy. Yeah. That's an important thing that we mentioned. That white guy, karate man bun guy. It's, it's like this guy saw Cecil from behind at a supermarket, but didn't grow his hair out all the way before he committed to the pony tail. This guy though, he busts in the door and he screams, guys, he's jock. And I thought he was introducing himself.

I seriously had to think I'm here. But evidently, he's telling them that someone had been captured or something and caught and killed, I guess. Yeah. There's also this line that pops up. A lot of a lot of my notes, guys, I'm sorry, it's just going to be, I wrote down a line they said and I couldn't believe that they said it. So here's a line from this movie.

I've got some graffiti back there. We can spray fish. Okay. Okay. That's, that's going to be a plot point. So it's a huge plot point. Also, you don't have some graffiti there. No, no, you don't have a collection of graffiti back there. When you fucking Banksy, you've just got some graffiti laying off. Got some graffiti's. So this meeting is like, we're gonna start Christianity again. Because it's, you know, here we are in 2025.

In the last five years, Christianity was erased by 2020s happenings. We're starting it back up. You remember that very simple carpenter? Name Jesus Christ who drew this. And they decide they're gonna draw fish as the strategy of the movie years. Yes, that's it.

That's gonna be their plan, yeah. And they go over what a fish symbol is, right? She's like, we could draw a fish and it goes, a fish symbol. It's a line and there's a pause and I was like, oh my God, another line. Get the fuck out of there. And then they give us a visual aid. The other guy's like, my hands are doing these motion now. It's like watch my hands.

It's it's line. It's arc and art. It's fish. You see that we spread was hoping so hard that she was going to do the go musky thing where she puckers and licks and picks her puts her hands there face like as a as a fins as a sort of like that. We're going to do the fish symbol. And I was like, Oh, please do the go muskies thing.

I dropped that gourd just and she didn't. She didn't do that. She did. There is another line I have to read because it really speaks to the heart of the movie. This is not our fight. God will fight with us and God will find people who will fight with us. Yep. But this is not your fight.

Well, when the God's gonna do it, but then you got to find other bits. Yeah, it starts out with, let's try. As I said, I will not give not your fight. Well, when the God's going to do it, but then you got to find other bits. Yeah, it starts out with, let's try, as I said, I will not give up this fight. Also, this is not our fight. Which is not right. For the, what does he can't make up her mind? And also, that's the worst. I've been the bad, okay, so when I was a kid, I used to lark. I've been to better acted larps than this.

He is genuinely seriously embarrassing to watch these people fumble fuck over what is clearly not written down. Yeah. A dude who's about to throw a bean bag at you as a fireball would be like, I'm sorry, let me take that line again. I said lightning bolt. I put the emphasis on ing. I shouldn't light.

I'm very sorry. Let me do it one more time. So now we can watch them spray paint fish onto things. Okay. So okay. Poorly. You sat down to write a movie about the Christian apocalypse, right? You sat down and you came up with this is the Christian apocalypse and you could write yourself doing anything. Like it's your imagination. You could be like a secret hacker who breaks, or you could be like a ninja who breaks in

and like unplugged a bunch of shatter like kidnap somebody or does something amazing. Instead, you are a guy with a spray paint can. That's what you know yourself to do. It's worse than that because you're an asshole with a spray paint can spray painting the leaves on the forest floor.

Thank you. Okay. Okay. Spray painting, like your message, your revolutionary message could be disrupted by a light breeze or a rake. Yeah. That's it. It's well foiled by the wind.

And the reason why they're doing this though, Tom, is that they bought landscape paint. Okay. So they went to the store and they bought cans of paint, Tom, is that they bought landscape paint. Okay. So, so they went to the store and they bought cans of paint that do not paint if they are facing perpendicular to the ground. I know. They only painted, I was wondering what they only paint if they paint pointed at the ground. So when they do it on the ground, it looks great. But every single time they tried to fucking paint anything that was vertical, it was so

brutal. Like a guy who had fucking like, who I don't know, just had fucking prostate surgery an hour ago. So it was like constantly like, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up,

up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put up, put pick the right paint. This results in shitty pink fish, which is truly one of the funniest things I've ever seen, right?

Actress walks over to tree. It doesn't have the spray paint thing on top, right? Because it's meant to go straight down. So she has to like curl her fingers around it and she draws a fish like it's alien three, right? I expect the fish to be like, come here, come here, come here, come here, weaver, please. Exactly. It's really, it's really, it's very clearly turns to the camera to be like, help me! Help me, Sigourney Weaver, please! Exactly, it's him.

She very clearly turns to the camera to be like, hey, that fish turned out really shitty. Should we get another take? And you can feel in your heart someone off camera being like, it's fine, we'll keep it. And she's like, oh, okay, okay. Back to the movie. Also, they're painting just randomly

onto things that will be disturbed, but then a cop shows up and immediately shoots that woman. Shoot the movie. Shoot the, this is the best scene in the entire movie because something happened. So this cop shows up and shoots her. And I just want to have to say she's not even black, so it doesn't make any sense. Absolutely. She goes down immediately, boom, she just fucking drops

immediately. Then they, some rando who has been like, purve spying on them while they're spray painting trees or whatever, he's like, hidden three feet away, like the world's most obvious garden gnome. Like he shows up, but just beans the cop over the head hits the cops so hard the cop is just done like that's it. He's just he's fucking does he hit him? Tom now or does he miss by about six feet and the cops still gets knocked out and he falls on the oomsters either fall ins and then and then German Jobs, who had clearly run away in terror, comes back and he's like, Oh, my sister, are you okay now? I thought you were running with me the

whole time. And you weren't okay. You got shot instead. Truly. He jogs back for a solid minute and a half, right? He's like, Oh, there you are. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yop, I was here by your side the whole time. Let's get a tourniquet on your arm. Yeah, I got it. I got to bring up the tourniquet too, because like, then if you find out that you got shot in the arm,

but she went down like a fucking sack of shit when she got shot and was like immobile. And then they're like, oh, it was just a, just shot in the arm. So, okay, all right, I guess you're right. Then they put aobile. And then they're like, oh, it was just a, just shot in the arm. So okay, all right, I guess you're right. Then they put a tourniquet on you like, oh man, that's like, that's gonna be a pretty serious wound. Like, and they, they just cut off

the entire blood supply to stop the bleeding. Pin in that for later, guys, because then she gets up and runs. She runs in very impractical shoes, by the way. Very impractical shoes for this forest adventure. Yeah. Yeah. So back at the door room, their treating sister's wound. All right, let's take the pin right back out.

Yeah. Yeah. And now the gunshot is fine. It's scabbed over. Yeah. She's good to go. This is clearly the first take because when they come in, they're not really sure how to use the

props in the room. So the first thing to do is they move a chair over, but they've never shot this yet. So she lays down on the ground. So she doesn't sit in the chair, they move the chair over and then she lays on the ground. And then nobody uses the chair. Right? So the chair is except, dude, sit on a key thing. The other guy, Neal's down like he's praying in football, but nobody's using the chair. Right, so the chair is except, dude sits on a key thing. The other guy kneels down

like he's praying in football, but nobody's losing the chair. This is the first time they ever shot it and that was their take. And they're doing that like, I need this stat thing, but they don't understand that that's not move the chair. It's like, what's the chair? Stat! And is that pencil stat? Do you guys have water? Yeah, we got that. Do you guys have water? Yeah, we got water. Do you want to do a Thai food later? That's the woman that got shot doesn't even seem all that annoyed by having bitch. Like she's not even like in a bad mood from it.

Really, she just seems like I should be holding my arm, right? That is what you do when you get shot. You're going to press your hand to your arm for 30, maybe 45 seconds after you get shot. You expect you to jump up and be like, little did they know you shot lady Wolverine. I am fine. So now we get a chance to meet Hunter who's the hillbilly living. And he sits down and he sits down and he's got, he's sitting there. Perfect fucking, absolutely dorky military haircut sitting there and they say to look, I'm right, it's wearing a black shirt. Looks at him and he says, are you a Christian?

And he's wearing the most obvious. He's wearing a crucifix. He's wearing a crucifix. No, man, my name's Tyrone. It's a T. I don't even have the first letter of my name. I wonder why they had so many nips as just for me. And the fuck?

The first time Hunter talks, you're like, oh, okay, an English speaker. So like, he's gonna bring some smoothness to the dialogue of this movie. Nope, Where's the German speakers, my friends? Oh, he's got the shock collar that Tom was talking about. Absolutely. He's terrified. He's about to get punched and shocked at every moment in every sentence. He's the guy who saved them, by the way, and he is an X Marine, we learn here? Yeah, yeah, but quit. But he's, hold on he, this is important. Why is he an X marine? Oh, right. Yeah. No good. It's an important

part of the backstory. So, so important. He was a marine. Yes. But then COVID happened. Yes. So he had to quit the Marines. That is the same reason incidentally that she is no longer a nurse. Yeah, no more nurse jobs once COVID it. There was no the medical profession right now. You just went downhill economically. I'm sorry. We have to talk about them three beat though because he's like, I had to quit the Marines because I didn't like what the um government arm was doing.

Yeah, I had to quit my job as a nurse. And then she says my brother was getting his masters in economics. Nope, in economy. Sorry, she's not an old friend. She's a master in economy. Yeah, in economy. But she doesn't go like,

and there's no more economy. She's just like, oh, sorry, I thought we were just saying random things about my self, my bad. So, I wrote my notes at this point. Oh my god, they're making small talk. I'm watching broken English small talk. It is at this point in the movie that you may be tempted to wonder, will they explain the connection between COVID and any of the subsequent events that occur? Never will that happen. Nope, not at the same time.

They'll simply say, you survive it. I wasn't marine, but then there was a virus. And now I'm not that we don't have marines, they actually sounds great. Yep, what? Sure does. No, but they will try to explain their spray painting fish plan here.

So they tell Hunter what they were doing. Like, yeah, So we're just a spraying fish to revive Christianity around the whole world, starting with this forest area right here in Germany. That's our plan. They actually say out loud. Like, yeah, maybe we'll come up with something better than that, but it's not really doing anything. It's probably not though. We're probably just going to be pissed. I must admit. I genuinely feel that most of this movie was initially just going to be played with music

over it. I think that what they just told them was to make small talk. And the whole thing is going to be a music video. I thought it was going to be all b-roll because much of the movie that when they make jokes or they say things, it means nothing and it has no substance and it's, it's really just exposition but no real story. And I feel like they probably said to him, yeah, we're just gonna be making a movie just, just to add this ad lib here. It's, I will try pop music over it. Yeah. This B-roll, this B-roll, guys. And then the editor didn't know that. And so they just, they just hand up too him and he kept it all in. He kept it all. Also, it's it's in this conversation that

they're talking about. Yeah, we should probably just spray paint some more fish or you in on our fish spray paint. I'm on fucking board. I'm a Marine. And the woman who just got shot is like, yeah, spray spades more fucking fish. Bitch, you just got shot for your training fish. Six seconds ago, like today, maybe take the whole day. Like this is your day. Oh, but speaking of useless, be role now to the sweet, sweet tunes of an IKEA showroom, we're gonna watch

someone eat cereal. Okay, guys, what the fuck is this? This is the end of my favorite scene in the movie. This is the, we meet Layla here. Yes. And we're going to watch her eat so fucking slowly a bowl of cereal with the music, which says, I'm going to eat this bowl of cereal. And then then I'm gonna be executed. Oh well, back to my cereal engine. Eat this cereal super slow. It's a, that's all that happens. I just described the whole scene,

but this is like 42 minutes of the movie. At one point she opens a card, a like greeting card that says, and I quote, please don't risk your life for people you don't know, mom. And I mean, I get it. My mom sends me the same text every morning. It makes no sense for the context of the fucking movie. It strangers want you to spray paint fish. That's dumb. Don't do that. You might get shot or something. Okay. So we want this woman eats cereal.

And now we're back at the Christian Dorn Room and everyone's going to talk about their backstory. More again. Yes. Now it's, yeah, it's great that this guy left the Marines because this is another quote. There was stuff going on that you and me didn't like. I wrote that. That's a quote. That's why you quit your job, other stuff.

Also, we don't know each other, but stuff. His girlfriend was also in the army. He forgot he was in the Marines and sided with the government. And she's like, oh, that's bad. And he's like, yeah, we were together for like four years. I'm over it though. It's fine. So, you know, if you wanted to do heavy petting, it's okay.

Like, I'm a single now. I'm just saying, I've had sex with a woman. That's the point of my story. I have. She was in Canada, army. Shut up. Also, the one guy talks about is how his parents didn't like what was happening and so they committed suicide. And then the other guy, then the other guy tries to empathize by being like, yeah, my parents really like everything that's going on. And they're so happy. So I know what you mean. So wait, what? This is so vital.

German Steve Jobs is like, yeah, yeah, my parents were really mad about having to wear masks, it's an automatic. So they cared themselves and Hunter are American troglodites. Immediate reaction is, I know how you feel me and my parents disagree sound. By the way, can I live with you now? Is the next country says and they're like, yep, cool. We love you being part of us now. I believe the L.A.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S, he's like, no, you're going right now. I want

to read, I want to read this. This is from the script. The girl who got shot, asked him, do you live around here? Where do you live? And he says, I actually live like 20 minutes. I don't even know where this place is. I would say 20 minutes away from what? What? You ran there. How do you not know where it is? You just ran there. Yeah, no, everywhere you go in Germany, you get blindfolded and take it against your will. So what did you bird box your way back there?

And then in the clumsiest outro, counter-fucking grabs the guitar and plays the three chorizinos. Oh my god. So fucking proud. She's like, she's like, oh, do you play the guitar? And he's like, yes, now mine. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I used to. This is my, sure, she's, it just takes practice, he says, you know, you just got to practice and keep your fret hand off. Cameram have to do the harm. That helps two arms, not one shot. That's for sure.

That would be helpful. All right. So now we're going to head over to bad guy HQ and okay, is this serial girl? Yeah, this is Laila serial. Okay. That makes serial scene a little bit less insane. So we're at bad guy age. You don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It's less than a totally unrelated cereal scene. Okay, yes, she's in the movie. Yeah. Yeah, in the movie. I don't understand any other connection, actually, whatsoever to those scenes.

I also don't understand the scene where the bad guys, like, I'll give these to my daughter. Why? What? Right? Why did that happen? Why did that scene happen? It makes no sense. Layla is working at Atheist Army HQ. Right. They're like regional branch, right? That's what we're supposed to believe. She's the assistant. She's the assistant manager. The assistant to the regional Atheist Army manager sergeant guy, whatever. She's sitting at a desk and master sergeant shows up with the cases, which is a manila folder, the only one they own that they use as the prop for every single other paper thing

in the rest of the movie, which is car of this movie. My friends is this manila folder,? You can tell they shot in real time because it will get beat to shit as the movie goes forward. Oh, yeah, there's like come on it by the end. I don't know why. They don't care. That's the one they own. Isn't it? And the evil atheist, the Asargent guy is probably, if he's not, I think he's probably Hunter's dad. I didn't get to the credits. No question. No, no. But I suspect he's related to Hunter in some way outside of the movie. But in the movie, he's evil atheist sergeant guy who clearly got his tongue pierced yesterday

because he says those are the latest cases of I'll give him to Sarn Sinder. Thank you. He seriously is like fucking every guy you've ever met in a bar that has no windows. Is that okay? You want to just finish eating the sand that you were working on? You're talking about the cases? Cool. That guy doesn't pronounce one thing in this movie.

Not a single thing. Not a single thing. He doesn't get through a single line. He is one-take Steve too. You know they never took another day. He is pronouncing how I spell my friends throughout the entire film. And again, this is another American native speaker of American knowledge, native speaker. And just when you thought this movie was going to be two scenes over and over again,

they add a third scene, which is where we're going to watch a hacker. Do you have a hacker. Yeah, hacker. Oh, stop. They also clearly bought a green light bulb just to make the computer area more like green. Green. Yeah. Yeah, it's the matrix, dude. They have. So I've paused on this. They have a code window, like a window where you could write code with code I couldn't

make out in it. They have a still bar graph in the upper left hand corner, but in my favorite part, they have the character creation screen from civilization three in the top right hand of the corner to try and make it look like they've got face analysis or something. It's pretty fantastic. They also have a Bitcoin mining area on the bottom of my own thing in the bottom. Which literally it's a graphic of a pickaxx just chopping into like some stones with the letter B in it. Yeah. And hey, I'm going to be honest, if that was how Bitcoin mining really worked, I would not know. I will also say though, I will also say though, in its defense, this screen is the best screen that we will see in the rest of the movie.

Because the rest of the movie is all word documents in the command prompt. So the rest of the movie, the rest of the movie, they don't even try. At least they tried in this part, right? At least they tried. They turned it to a monochrome green. There's a command prompt. They made it all like like sand serif typing. So it kind of looks like computer language. But at least they did the best they could. The rest of it. Seriously, the rest of the movies of Word doc. Okay, but the hacker, the hacker's hand. First of all, the hacker

is going just with the left hand and only on the home keys of ASDF. So, I'm done with ASDNFs now. That is true. That is true. Or capital ASDNF. Maybe you could go shift in there and I didn't notice it, but that's all that's happening. Can someone explain to me why you have to like wear a disguise while you're hacking?

Like is there, is there, is like wearing a hoodie like I don't want someone to see me hacking? In the case of this movie, it was so that we didn't find out it was Heath's ex until... They're in the middle. Seriously, it was meant to be like, oh, it's this dude hacker

that they're gonna immensely work in, but it's a female character. So, I think that was all they were going for there. It's just that was like a big revelation that there might be a lady with a computer, and it was supposed to be a big surprise. All right, well, I think it's time for a quick break. I guess you guys just shout them out when you want a quick break.

We're going to do one now and then we'll be back with some more of whatever the fuck this was. We're using a tap out method here on a 300. Hi, I'm Cecil, something Italian. And as someone who often attends restaurants with Heath, Eli and Tom, I'm Cecil, something Italian. And as someone who often attends restaurants with Heath, Eli and Tom, I can assure you there is nothing

like a fresh home cooked meal. Yeah, I don't even understand what's confusing. I said, bring me the menu three times. That's the menu, just the menu three times. With Hello Fresh, you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients, and mouth mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking, easy fun, and affordable. And that's why it's America's

number one meal kit. No way, yeah. I also went to middle school. So, who'd you have for first period? Oh, you have other table. Okay. No, I got it. You should first period. No, no, you got stuff to do. You can tell me when you come back. It's cool. Hello, fresh cuts out stressful meal planning and grocery store trips. So you'll enjoy cooking and getting dinner on the table in about 30 minutes or less.

And I've seen Eli take longer to do that ordering a beverage. No, no, no, no, my friend. Not tomato juice. I want you to take a tomato and juice it. That is step one. I'm gonna let you know what the next step is. Plus, hello, fresh is 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store and 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal without sacrificing the quality.

Look at what do you mean you won't sell me the tablecloth. I like the tablecloth, sell me the tablecloth. Yeah, I actually subscribe to Hello, Fresh after they sent us a sample box. you won't sell me the tablecloth. I like the tablecloth. Sell me the tablecloth. a lot of cooking, go to HelloFresh.com, slash Awful 12 and use the code Awful 12 for 12 free meals, including free shipping. That's 12 free meals, including free shipping when you go to HelloFresh.com, slash Awful 12 and use the code Awful AWFUL12. Well, that was delicious. Quick question. Can I group hug the entire kitchen? They're right there. Obviously, no, they're doing stuff there. It's a restaurant that's working right now. No, I get it. Just like maybe a couple of the line cooks, just me

and like two of them. And now back to atheist cop on ABC. Is that the perp? Yeah, that's him, that's our guy. Only one way to find out. Good morning, Mr. Johnson. Yeah, that's me. And I'm telling you, I ain't no Christian. You got the wrong guy, not me. I'm sure we do, Mr. Johnson. We just wanna ask you a few questions

that will let you just get back to your Sunday. Oh. Enjoying your Sunday. Is it Sunday? It's Sunday today. Yeah, that's right. A beautiful Sunday morning. Why you didn't have plans? Did you?

Me? No. No, of course that's I just hang out on Sundays. There's nothing good. Good. You don't mind if I, if I eat, do you know, like just dive in without saying anything? You know, just dive right into this food. What do you say? Is that as a fine?

No, that's fine. That is fine. Buy me. Yep. Eat it. This might not be our guide. Let me try one last thing. Okay.

Say, Mr. Johnson, yeah. When I say God, I mean Jew and Muslim. No, don't you don't book him. That is our word. How dare you? Sure it is, buddy. Sure it is. I want to do an invocation right now.

Hey, there's Cecil. You know what I hate? What? What's that, Tom? Bald guys with goatees. Oh man, Tom, me too. Eli, what is this? What's, what is it?

What do we, it's for matrion. Yeah, it's our fundraiser thing. We do every year or every couple years. For our show, we try to boost our Patreon thing. Yeah, no, no, guys, I know what matrion is. Why are you having Tom and me say that we, like all this mean stuff about bald guys with goatees? What is that?

Yeah, okay, so we figured we probably have a lot of listeners in common, right? Yeah. And a bunch of them are bald guys with goatees. So what better way to fundraise than to get you guys to piss off your patrons and then they'll become ours. Our patrons, yeah. Hey, look Eli, Keith, you do a fine show here. then to get you guys to piss off your patrons and then they'll become ours. Our patrons.

Yeah. Hey, look Eli, Keith, you do a fine show here. I'm sure people appreciate that you watch these movies and give them a free product. And you know, they'll be happy to head over to matrion.com and support you. You don't need us to scare away our patrons by saying, and I've always thought that K-pop is overrated. I mean, I guess you-pop is overrated. I mean, I guess you have a point, Tom.

I mean, so we don't need to make Cecil say that people who drink sparkling water should be set on fire. No, you don't. They do, though. They actually do. Oh, my God, totally. Yeah, yeah, that's not true. Just order a soda.

Weird. Thank you. So matrion.com. Yeah, for money. And we're back. When we left off, we took a break from a movie and now we're watching it again. And the characters are doing stuff literally. Okay, at this moment, the characters are going to go for a long walk in a movie and we're going to watch that. They literally small talk about the weather at the beginning of this scene. That's not an exaggeration.

That's exactly what happens. Yeah, then one guy tells a joke that nobody finds funny. We're going to hear a joke in the movie and a second joke. It's so exhausting. We hear a joke that nobody likes and then he's like, who did Corona do to Jesus? Nothing. That's the joke, guys. That's the joke.

That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke.

That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke.

That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. That's the joke. Yeah, way better. Why would why would Corona do anything to Jesus? He's not back yet. He didn't.

There was a coronavirus then. He's not back yet. Why of course it did nothing stupid. Doesn't even make sense. And then he fucks up the fish joke. Right. She's like, do you have a nozzle joke? Cause the movie needs to be 90 minutes long. And he's like, sure. How many fish eyes is there one if you had? What? eyes. Is there one if you had what? Oh, you just got that was the point. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously, these are these are the kind of jokes you would find like on a popsicle stick. Yeah. Like if you ate the whole popsicle and it was poison, this is the joke that would be this is the last joke you would see on the popsicle. And then he draws his first fish and it's supposed to be this like very monument to moment, but he very clearly draws an eight instead.

Yeah, he draws the infinity set, no 100% a hundred percent. And then he stops to do animal calls at a certain point. He tells it all. He's like, that is the weirdest, that is the weirdest thing ever, because it is unexplained. It doesn't make, it just yells at a field. It's so annoying. It just yells at an animal sound into an empty shell. It was seriously.

What I have to assume is that Hunter, the actor, right, is a Christian missionary of some kind and met the last two German Christians. And they were like, we're making this movie about how bad COVID is. Do you want to just wander around with us and they kept all of Hunter trying to talk to these Europeans and included in it. Yes, moving.

Yeah, it was supposed to be B-roll. I think all this is supposed, because nobody, why would you keep, what would Corona do to Jesus? Nothing. Why would you keep that in? Clearly, they're mostly pretending that they're laughing and having a good time,

but the editor didn't know it when it came on his desk. So he's just like, I guess I got to keep that. I guess I'll turn their sound up here and make sure we get that punch line through a little bit of them to set the end. Yeah. Also that fish joke, the guy like goes for a high five and the other dude is not expecting him to go for a high five and the other dude is not expecting him to go for a high five. I'm telling you, it's amazing. On an awkward joke with a bad punchline and then a weird physical like failure connection

moment, it's just the whole thing makes you want to hide under the covers. Oh, it's rather than watching. That was the good part of the B-roll that they kept the audio for and showed us all. At this moment, they're like, okay, that was great. Now we bring in music, which is like happy, thrupple at the farmer's market montage moment. So for the rest of the thing, it's no audio of them. And we're just walking around. We watched them walk for a bunch longer.

It's ridiculous. We do. Also, this woman just to remind everybody was just shot very recently. She's fine. You know what, Tom, the movie let it go. I need you to like it. I can't do it. I can't.

She's fine. Because now they are graffitying again in broad daylight after having been just shot for graffitying. And again, at Cecil's point yelling angrily at the woods or whatever, but there's no attempt to be clandestine. This is a high treason. Every offense is punishable by death. And like, I'll wear my cross on the outside of my clothes. I will graffiti in broad daylight. And in case anyone's wondering I'll yell cow sounds at a tree.

Again, they could have done anything. They could have written themselves doing everything. They chose to do call, call sounds to an open field. That's what they chose. Okay, but Tom has just realized that I, we have not yet mentioned the most important character. Okay, second most important character after the Manila folder, which is

German Steve Jobs's teeny tiny Eastern European leather jackets. You grow smaller as the movie goes like that. They are my sons onesie size at this point, but by the end of this, they're like microscopic ant man is wearing them to a ball. It's arms. His arms just start slowly going up like that kid from Christmas story. You can't pull them down. So we check back in with the hacker for a moment. They're still hacking away.

Yeah, it's dubstep now. Yeah, they're googling the Jesus fish on Wikipedia. Hacker Skrillex is using Google. That's what's happening. Yeah, Google, because you don't want to be tracked, guys. You don't want to be tracked. You just Google to cover your tracks to search for something. Stupid.

You got to use Bing, everybody knows that. So the better part of this though is that the hacker is highlighting little phrases within Wikipedia for them set, like to emphasize what they're reading to themself. Well, I highlight this on the website. So later when I come back to, oh, no, it's gone. Can I fold down to corner of the web page? This is the confusing.

And if you've been thinking to yourself, man, I can't imagine that these people could be worse at acting. That's because you haven't watched them try to pretend to sleep yet. Oh, God. Okay. She is sleeping. So here's how they all are acting sleeping. She is sleeping like she just fell off a cliff.

Limza Kimbo. Marie Guy is sleeping, propped up on his arm, which is physically impossible. And German guy in the most amusing choice is sleeping like a vampire with his arms crossed across his head. Yeah, they're all supposed to be sleeping and there's a knock on the door. And they all snap up like we weren't watching them not be asleep yet in the mood. We were just watching that. They snap up and they're like, are you a fucking traitor? Do you sell us out? Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I infiltrated your fish painting gang to ruin your whole Christianity

plan. That's what's happening here. But it's actually Layla at the door. No, it's Rachel. No, it's Rachel. It's Rachel. It's Rachel. Rachel's there. She's like, now is the time on sprockets. Wouldn't be Don. Yeah. She's there to help to be clear. At this moment, I was like, so she followed the like trail of fish paintings to this house, but they try to explain it. She's like, yeah, I'm a hacker. So I hacked the address of your unknown squatter house. What does the movie think is happening here? What does the movie think? Okay, even more generally, what does the movie think the word hack means? Great question. Great question.

They use hack teeth as a way to mean omniscience. Yeah, it's the same. Okay, it's it's the correct answer. Yeah. Got it. Oh, I hacked it. I guess because they're they will also reveal later that they can do anything and never get caught because they have a hacker.

Yeah. Because they have a hacker. Yeah. That's a hack. That's a hack. Yeah, they use it like because I have three wishes. Yeah. It's Deus Ex Hackena. Yeah. Absolutely.

This is also where we get my favorite line of the entire movie. So they're worried about this character named Lucinda, who is the major sergeant's daughter. And when they mention that to the hacker, she goes, you mean Lucinda? She is an animal cracker. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's racist. Nope. It's not a saying, but we do sell that t-shirt. Lucinda is an animal cracker t-shirt. Available now. This is also when you find out that Holly wants to join them and her plan is to hack the police. Hack the police. To get the phone numbers of the Christians.

And they're like, oh, you can hack the police. And she's like, well, it might take a couple of hours to hack the all police, everything in hack. But yeah, I can do it in like a couple of hours. And Christianity is a is a offense. Like you die. It is. It's a tree.

And how the police know who the Christians are. Right. So is this what the movie saying? So Holly can hack the police and get the phone numbers. Phone number. Yes, she's very clear about that. All the Christians. Yeah, and then they're gonna call the Christians in the world.

They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world.

They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They're gonna call the Christians in the world. They the plan, right? And the Christians will be like, well, I didn't realize you were painting fish. Yes, let me do this thing that would change your smile. They're gonna get past there and she gets defenses by asking them about their car warranty first. And then, there you go.

Right into the Christianity afterwards. Also, Heath, let's be fair, it's not just phone calls. They're also gonna get some Bibles and Christian books and she's going to make her exact words DVDs which are Untrackable. I was gonna hack up some DVDs. Yeah, some DVDs Christian DVDs. At this moment I was like, please show us whatever the fuck the movie thinks that means. And yeah I was like, okay, well that's dumb. They're obviously, they're just saying like,

oh, we'll make some DVDs for fun. No, this will be like the Linchpin of the plan to bring the Chianti back to the entire world with DVDs, it's amazing. I also want to point out at this point that the music here absolutely does not match their complete lack of enthusiasm for their own plan. No, yeah.

The music is you are fighting a final fantasy boss when he stopped to tell you about his dead wife. That is the music happening. At what moment they also realize like, oh, we're just literally four people in some town in Germany. We really need to do like, all the cities in the world, right? And that's when one of the other characters was the sister, what's her name? Literally no idea. Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs, I don't know. Steve Jobs, sister. She's like, oh, we need to do all the other cities in the world. I will city it. Yes, yes. And it's like, cool, you got it. You've got your own top of the world, I will city it. And it was like cool, you got it. You've got your own top of cities world city world plan.

Great DVDs check and we're gonna win. I will city them. The plan is bananas nonsense and the movie has no idea. They're just like we name some stuff in the plan. Cities DVDs did it. We've all hacked the cities. Cities, DVDs, we've all hacked the cities. Christianity, QED, QED, all good. So back at Atheist HQ, Layla is once again being handed a vanilla envelope. No, your podcast player is not skipping. It just

happens again in this fucking movie. Yep. One of the people at the Atheism Army HQ just brings over their one-minute-of-fold of the day on and slams it down on our desk. And he's like, here's the fucking cases, you bitch. Do whatever. The new list of cases, they keep saying cases. What does that even mean? No idea. So a part of me wonders, because there's not a lot of COVID bullshit in here.

A part of me wonders if this movie contained like 40 minutes of COVID bullshit. And then Angela Merkel came to their house and like broke his pinky and was like, you can make a movie about running around drawing fish with your friends. I'm gonna get my burger. Get me back my head.

She was like, this is my hand now. Okay. Okay. My daughter, Werner Herzog's thumb and you can stay. I'm curious. What? What does this regional atheist army branch office do? Like, what is their job?

They are a, according to what I could see, they are a machine gun inspection cases distribution slash and a little bit of a spoiler for later on in the movie Model train appreciation You got it all I will say too. They have a word document here now. This is where they really oh yeah Not try here word document clearly word document that just as a big title on top called Christian conspiracy. And then there's names. She's, she's writing an essay about her, she's, she's, this is Laila. She's supposed to be like kind of a spy, right? She's

supposed to be, yeah, going, going on the other side and helping out the Christians, even though she's in the atheist army She's writing an essay and she titled it Christian conspiracy. I just wanted to highlight that one more time Go ahead and then there's another word because she has two computers open So she's got one computer that says Christian conspiracy and there's some stuff in there But then she has another one and I stopped it so So I could see what it said, possible Christian names and they're all one name. So there's not no names. No, there's not two names.

It's all like Bill, Tony, Fred, Uncle Steve, like not even Uncle Steve, it just speaks to you. No, not you, Tony. Yeah, it's all just one word. Name. This is also where Lucinda, so she sneaks in to the office, right? She looks through the file and then she sneaks into the office, but they don't like the scene because she does it in the dark.

So you can't see what the fuck is going on. Okay, we've got to talk about the camera placement and the lighting in this part of the scene because it's so weird and random. You cannot see what the fuck is going on. No, you watch the scene, you're like, what was that? Yeah, what the fuck am I looking at? And the scene and you're like, what was that? What the fuck am I looking at?

And then you realize the inside of a woman's purse. Exactly. They carried the camera downstairs in someone's purse and they kept that in the, that was the B-roll. They balanced this on her clavicle. Well, she did this scene. There is a very dark, that's the rule. Green dark.

There is a very tense confrontation in this scene and and I wrote it down so that we can get it to the audience here. It's very, very tense. So important. What are you doing here? I'm just checking to see if the IT is done. Don't we all want efficiency? Of course.

So she was checking to see if the internet technology was done? Yes, it's done. It's done. Yep. Complete. Did we finish the internet technology was done. It's done. Yup. Complete it. Did we finish the internet technology? Yes, we have. Don't we all want efficiency? I work here.

Of course. And see that's it. That's the whole confrontation. You think, oh man, that bitch has done caught now. Uh-oh. No, no. Talked my way out of it. Like fucking silver tongue, baby, get the fuck out

of my way. Lucinda though, her delivery and what are you doing? Here is what are you doing here? Seriously, I'm not even kidding. That's how she says. Yeah. Oh right, yeah, Lucinda's a bad guy. She's the, yeah, we're going to find out the daughter of master sergeant atheists.

It also works for the atheist army. Right. She is also animal crackers. Yes. Yes. That they're delicious. I don't understand that. It seemed like it was pejorative.

I don't get that. And just one little thing here about the end of the scene, as Lucinda walks away, I think they try to do like a panning shot away, but they just follow Lucinda's butt really awkwardly. She walks out of the scene. It's like the cameraman got distracted by his sexual harassment. So now it's time for German Steve Jobs to give a sermon. Yes, which I would describe as eye contact gibberish. He's given a sermon to three people in the rain. And it's the saddest fucking thing ever. It's supposed to be a big win for him in this movie. And it's so depressing.

It's so good. What one of the lines does it sounds like bad laundry management. He says, our whites became gray mixed by the government. Oh, see, I have our wife became gray. That's it. Our whites became gray. And again, that feels like something you should not say in Germany. I feel so, you know, the whites being muddled down there. You don't want to say that, buddy, when I need to. Here's the whole speech is should be called really German guy. Really?

He says what we learned from history is that communism is bad. Later, he says, we freed countries from dictators. And I wrote my notes, did you German guy? Did you free countries from dictators? Also, when he's speaking, he speaks with all the passion of a broken speaking spell. There is nothing. There is nothing. How is this a motivational speech?

It uses the Brave Heart line. Yeah. Word. It's for word. It's for word. And then realizes he goes, they may take our lives, but they may never take our freedom. And then you see the actor be like, shit, brave hot. That's probably how they say, you gotta lean into it like Michael Scott. You'd be like, brave

heart nailed it. That's why. Also, by the way, there's like in that speech, there's like three and guess what's in there. They like him. And guess what? And guess what? Don't ask me. Tell me, motherfucker, I'm missing a guessing game. The fuck tell me what's going on. I gotta guess I'm giving the fucking speech myself, asshole. The other way. And now it's time for another musical montage.

This time of walking some more again. Well, there's walking, but then it's a montage of the sister of Steve Jobs. Does she have a name? What's her name? Steve Jobs, sister, German Steve Jobs. We have failed to tell it to you twice on this podcast.

We didn't learn it. We don't know. She maybe has a name. She has Google Maps up on her phone, and she's drawing a map on paper of Germany as like a brainstorming idea web of how the web is just the cities in Germany to be clear. That's what she's written down in an idea web, like Germany in the middle. And then it's like Berlin, Essen, like, that's not a new idea's work. It's not anything.

And then there's one tangent on the top right that says delivery to Russia. This is her being like, I got cities. I got cities, countries, Russia. I'm nailing it. And also this whole thing, again, it's another musical montage. And it's a musical montage interspersed with the most random shit. Like at one point, fucking Steve Jobs is just pointing at some hills for some reason. He's showing her a rock in another moment.

Yeah. Just this is what rocks are. There's no point to any of it. Then a risk board and he body checks her in another one. Yeah, he opens, he opens a box that has an old army medal in it, closes it and then never acknowledges it again. And a weird like risk board lights up with different colors. That's another thing that happens.

It's just like, We just get some lovely shots of the German countryside here. Yeah. Though, so I was like, oh, Germany's lovely. I don't, I don't want to travel there because like, I don't want to see an old person because I feel like if I see a German old person, I'm going to be like, I bet you're a fucking Nazi.

Right. And then I was like, I wonder if that's how people are going to feel when they visit America in 50 years. Like they'll see my old ass like rascal in a round and they'll be like, I bet that guy didn't wear a fucking mask. That asshole. So I'm wearing a mask on the Trump supporter. Look at him. Oh, her name's Hannah. I have that in my notes here. I think I learned right now that the main character's name is Hannah. And she's managed to conceptualize all the cities in Europe and they announced that

like we've got all of Europe taken over Christianity is getting seeded once again because of our DVDs and then they show a spindle of like eight DVDs. Probably eight is generous. One for each Europe. So we cut back to Christian dorm room where they're all playing cards when there's another knock at the door because the fucking only way that this movie can communicate new information is for someone to knock on the door and show up and say it. Yeah, and this makes no sense because this is where a scene describes that sometimes

you're getting watched all the time and you're high treason and some people get arrested but not all the people get arrested, but my mom got arrested. And anyway, you should probably go, but not before you take these DVDs. That's the scene. Okay, I have to talk about you should probably go. German Steve Jobs, as Cecil has indicated multiple times, this movie is probably improvised by an English as a second language class in the middle of Germany somewhere at like a Christian college. Yes, but German Steve Jobs fucking hates the actor who's delivering this news.

So one third of his lines will be like, well, you should probably fucking go now. But wait, no, you didn't hear my father, he was killed. Oh, your father was killed. You should probably go. That seems like it's a leaving time for you to go. And literally at one point he says, also you should leave, quote, end quickly.

You should take my mixtape before you leave? It's pretty hot. I did. I wrote here. Let me sign it to you. That's going to be worth a lot one day, man. 20 bucks. Come on. 20 bucks.

He's handing him the Bible DVDs. Who goes, here's one on praying. Here's one on survival. And I wanted to be like, this is the Clumps 2. That's just a great movie. I got a lot of people appreciate this is the Clumps 2. That's just a great movie. I got a lot of people appreciated the Clumps series. And then we watched them pray silently in a movie for a half hour, for an hour. I don't know.

They're still doing it. My head receded into my shoulders the moment I saw it. I cringed so hard. I was like, no, I can't watch people pray. I can't possibly earnestly wish it the sky. That just makes me like, I would have rather watched them try to set up a DVD player with the wrong chords for half an hour. Music note for this prayer montage. By the way, Dino reads the results of a random word generator. All right. So meanwhile, back at Atheist HQ, Captain Bad guy has a big speech to make

to prove that even the people who speak English in the first language in this movie, fucking suck. What the fuck, man? I have never seen, I've never watched a scene where a guy fucks up so bad and doesn't go back. He never he forges ahead the entire time and never once looks back at the flaming wreckage that was this Blooper Reels of other movies that have less Then this so first of all we have to talk about he cannot modulate his volume throughout the speech So the speech will be like, hello, today I have a hello, good morning. We are. And his first line is, and we all have different takes on this. So I really, I want everyone to go around, give it your best shot. I have

his first line as chaos was liazing our society. Yeah, I was lashing. I thought it was sleezing. Okay. Chaos was like sleasing it up. Chaos. Oh, that makes sense, right? Okay. And I watched this with subtitles, which is its own thing, guys. And it is. Chaos was leasing our society.

You don't pay. Yeah, you got to give it back after three. Chaos was renting. It was renting it on. Was it renting to own? No, it was leasing and probably got gap insurance Why would chaos sign whatever now? I don't even want to talk about I don't go ahead Also, he's giving this speech and the extras did not agree on army people standing at attention

or chilling like you're having a hang session with your array right He also describes the society as being both wealthy and happy. Yeah, prosperous. Yeah. And I was like, what? Why is this bad again? I'm trying to remember why we don't like that. I don't. Even the good guys in the movies don't tell us. Now, it's because they don't have the English word for stroof and fuffle or whatever it is there. But like, at no point where the movie is described for us why things are bad. No. Or how they came to be bad. They just described that they don't like them and you can't be a nurse or a marine anymore.

Also, this entire speech is sentence fragments. Like, there is not a completed sentence I have down here. And all our strength and power even eliminated measures. Those were two work. Those were the chances. Yes. Nothing in that is a sentence. Was he too in poetry?

Is that what it was? Oh, it was like they're weekly, the Atheist HQ's weekly poetry champs. Those doing a little slam. They're open slam. Oh, the next guy comes up. He does stand up. Then there's a ventriloquist. Everyone feels bad for way better. So now we're going to cut back to the Christians singing amazing grace, but yes, so much more importantly, German Steve Jobs has decided that it would

look cool for him to put his foot up on the fire pit that they're singing around. And you will never convince me that he didn't flip this at some point and burn his penis very badly. I'm trying to shoot this scene. And it gets stopped too because at this point, they're doing this thing. There's a guy in the background. I thought at first was filming the fire that because he has his phone out, but he's clearly got his phone out because he's reading the lyrics to amazing praise.

Yeah. That is why his phone is out and the scene is interrupted by lights in the background. And this is the delivery. That awesome lights. Watch it. He's the police. So just to be clear, part of their plan to take over the world for Christianity again is a barrel fire sing along with like five people.

That's what's happening right now. And part of the plan for the police to prevent the world being taken back over is raiding this five person sing along very, very slowly. Very slowly. I honestly, I'm sad we missed the shot of the cops trying to parallel park in between two corn huts or whatever the fuck was going on in between the lights and when the cops show up. The owner of the car that they borrowed for the police car is clearly in the back just

below the camera frame being like slow the fuck down do not ruin my suspension. It's their fucking God. But yeah, all the Christians decide to give themselves up for arrest except our protagonist who again runs away in the silliest possible mail. Oh, yeah. His hands over his head like a man holding a flashlight and it if last night's bouncing everywhere, he's running to rap music. So keep in mind that it's like, amazing. Oh, put him in your bag,

a bag, a bag, a geezer, and we're just watching an Eastern European German guy being like, oh, the streets are high too. Ah, ah, ah, ah. However, I do want to point out two things about this arrest scene. The first is when the cops come and arrest them, the first one throws the old lady. They agreed to be in their movie way too long. And it immediately

cuts. You watch this actor throw this old lady on the ground and she's like, find Havr Schuuffin and he's like, oh shit, I'm in trouble. But the second thing is to close out the scene with symbolism. He stamps out the fire pit except he can't do it. Because that's too much fun. So you just watch the guy be like, ow, ow, can't do that on my foot. And it's clearly in a fire bowl. It's in someone's backyard. Like they've been, he didn't bring a cast iron fire bowl with you somewhere.

You did this in somebody's backyard. That's where he built. And then later that they just step on the fire, but they don't to Elias, but they don't put it out. So when they're when they pull back and fit, they just smoke like copious insane amounts of smoke just shitting up from this like now smoldering fireball from well from that human being's foot. Yeah, a lot of that's like a gender reveal party. All right, well, I think we've all would have been liking to had have been having a quick break.

But first, let me give back three of the hard sell. But first, let me give back three of the hard sell. Will Christianity finally make a comeback in 2025? Will it involve CDRW technology? Will there be a sexually charged moment with model trains? Five out all these other word and answers. Yes, the answer to third one is yes. Yes, all of them.

When we come back for the undeniably remaining amount of twenty-five the world enslaved by a virus. Welcome to Shady's sex shop. Can I help you? Hi, yeah, I just this for me. Just wonderful. That'll be twenty-one fifty-five and three puppies. And 2155 and three puppies. And sorry, and three puppies, what?

Oh yeah, when you buy shady sex stuff, we incinerate three puppies. What, why would you do that? I don't know man, she plastic, unethical business practices, it's a whole thing. Oh, plus we give money to anti-gay bigots. But you're a sex shop. I know, you'd think, right?

But yeah, there's a lot of that. Well, yeah, is there any way that I can buy fuck stuff without funding bigots or killing puppies? I mean, you can go to adamaniv.com. What's adamaniv.com? They're the number one adult toy superstar. They actually started as a master's thesis in family planning,

and they were the first mail order contraceptive business. Wow, that sounds like ethical. It is. There's sex and sex work positive, as well as LGBTQ friendly. And when you use our code awful, you get 50% off almost any one item plus 10 free gifts. Hold on.

What kind of gifts? Oh, you get a vibe, a cock ring, and a loop sample, plus free porn. Oh, I love free gifts. Hold on. What kind of gifts? Oh, you get a vibe, a cock ring, and a loop sample plus free porn. Oh, and every porn. Who doesn't? Okay, so what's that code again? That's awful. A-W-F-U-L. Offer code awful at checkout at adamaniv.com. All right. Well, I guess I won't be needing this. Um, and goodbye. Oh, come on. What am I supposed to do with these puppies now? Just keep them. I knew I shouldn't have kept them behind the register. needing this. Um, and goodbye. Oh, come on, what am I supposed to do with these puppies now? Just keep them. I knew I shouldn't have kept them behind the register. I'll take them. Well, I know, there it's me, Fritz Schnitzel, director of this super great movie. 2025,

the virus is not cool, man. If you loved our loved our movie DVD then you will love the brand new addition the Taman Caesar cut that's right we recorded Taman Caesar watching a super cool movie and now you can enjoy it along with them let's have a listen and that's like I you know like like it's so many ways oh my god they, just say something. Yeah, I like totally know what you mean because like Jesus, he's like so cool and I want him to, you know, when you're like living your life

and you've always wanted in a lot of ways. I am gonna shoot it time. I'm gonna shoot the TV with my God. No, see, so I'm like, I'm just gonna do it. And Jesus is in your life. Like, you know, it's just, like if they're buzzing to Jesus,

you'd be like, ah, like this, no. Tom, what is Jesus' dress? We're driving there and I'm going to kill him with this shovel. Okay. So Tom and C. Subcut, it's movie time, baby. Pfft.

Tom, Cecil, Eli, what's going on? So we were thinking about it, and you guys were actually right. We don't need you to say mean stuff about your listeners to help us out from matrion. That's stupid. Good, finally got it. But you know how we try to get new and upgrading patrons to help us hit goals for the Pajama party? Yeah, yeah.

Well, heathen I were thinking, we should create some friendship goals for us that might push the needle even further. Like, fun stuff that we would have to do with you guys. Yeah, that's exactly. I mean, sure, I mean, I'm going to hear what you guys have to say. Sure, go ahead. Okay, so one, if we hit 50 new and upgrading patrons, Tom and I will go get burgers together. I mean, I don't, I like burgers. So yeah. Yeah. And at 100 new and upgrading patrons,

Cecil and I will sew ourselves together like a human centipede. We will do what now. Then at 125, Tom and I go skydiving together. That is super gross. Because the fuel emissions, because you can buy carbon credits now. You can buy carbon driving. I'm not the skydiving, he's, don't be smart. It's not the skydiving. And then, and then, at 150, Cecil and I will fuse, like Garnet and Steven Universe.

What does that even mean? What the, what are you talking about? Head over to matrion.com today. Give what you can and help us solidify our friendship. Physically. You guys already at 160. I'm gonna go get the thread in the background no don't get the don't get the thread I want to do a burger or Swixie

yeah Swixie's Tom she's on there fuck oh yeah and we're back I don't remember what I said, what happened? What's happening now? Eli, anybody? There was a fire pit. It's episode 300 people. This is hard to keep track of. No. We're back at atheism HQ. And one of the underlings is telling Captain Major, the guy

who gave the nonsense fragment speech, that it's getting worse. The Christian. Oh right. He can't Christian it. He says, he says, the best. He says, random Christians are meeting at random times and random places. They randomized the last stuff that's like a weird strategy. But then the boss is like random. They have to have leaders and I was like,

oh, they just don't know what that word means. None of them are during the people or English speaking people know what random means. Okay, go ahead, guys. This is also where they point out that they can track phones of, quote, specific groups of people. Like people with phones. That would be the ones that we can do that now. Hacked up. Tom also. They have a hacker. They have a hacker. Okay, but now it's time for the

major to earn his Oscar because he's going to deliver his model train model. Oh, he was so weird. this model train monologue. Oh, this is so weird. So he opens it by saying, you see these because they very much assumed he was going to get more than one model train. But they did not. He did not. He goes, they're beautiful, but dangerous. And I'm like, are model trains?

They are model trains beautiful. You can pinch your hand on those wheels. Very dangerous. This is a, this guy thinks they're beautiful. This is a very sexual moment that I was talking about. Oh, absolutely. Yes. There's a lot of sense of audio.

He says danger is often hidden in beauty. And these are dangerous. And he's talking to Lucinda, who is his daughter and also part of the Atheist Army. And she's like, and also animal crackers. Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? And apparently these trains, but really this train because they only got one. And he was best. This train represents the Christians he killed.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. These trains represent the Christians I killed. I don't understand that. I'd really like it if German people didn't do train killing stuff. Oh, great. You can leave that out.

I didn't realize. Yeah. Wow. Okay. But daughters like, oh, okay. So we're figuring out a strategy based on trains. Let's make all the Christians pledge allegiance to the Constitution of atheism.

Train. All right, train, just train. And he's like, yep, great, great plan. Great plan. She goes, that's good. I'll talk to the minister of proper gander. Yeah, thank you. proper gander.

They say that proper gander. Yeah, that's a, that's a goose and a tux if people are wondering. Yeah, with a little bow tie. Yeah, peace, peace was never an option. Yeah. And then she's supposed to exit the scene. But all she had to do was not walk and stop in the shop. And that's amazing. She wants like a half a way turns around 180 degrees.

Seize that the camera is still very much pointed at her. And then inches out like a cartoon guy. Like a cartoon girl, I'm moving to slow. She's told to go see the minister of proper gander. She's like, I feel he works here in corner of the frame. Nope, he's somewhere else not. Zae, please stop calling. Yeah, die for all. So now we cut to Layla who is warning the Christians that they're going to make everyone say the pledge of allegiance.

Yeah, thank you. Like, they're all worked up about it. This is for an American audience, right? Like, like the seventh inning stretch, we all stand up and sing the national. Well, I work good with this. This is not the hill we die on. The movie really struggles about which side of the Pledge of Allegiance they come up on.

Also, the way she delivers her lines to, she's clearly reading. And this is, by the way, this is the woman who was eating musulics earlier. She looks like an animated doe. She's the biggest I see you've ever seen. But anyway, she's reading from her computer and she says, better be not in public around these times. I'm not even kidding. I think I read that line better than she did.

She's clearly reading it from her computer. It's right in front of us. She's reading it from Google Translate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now it's time for us to watch almost a porno.

Well, that's what I have to see. Yeah. What? What? What? What I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Okay. So Rachel slash whatever her real name name is the hacker is talking to sister.

And the whole scene is just them swinging and missing at a good old fashioned lesbian porn, which would have made this movie so much better. Yes. Yes. Somebody was going to have their muffin a pizza box before the end of the day. They also, I want to point this out, they start the scene in German like they forgot they were making it in this movie. And then without any sign or signal transfer back into English. Thank you. I would thank you Eli.

When they move to German, you're like, oh, there must be a reason for that. And then they don't have a reason instead. And they switch back. Like, that's too hard to learn. I don't, I'm not supposed to say in that. Subtitalic, Gary. Just stick with German for the rest of the movie. Oh my God, it would have been so much better in German.

So much better. The only theory I have, and it's a self-defeating one, is that they didn't know the English words for the first four lines of the scene, except there are subtitles, so they didn't know the English words for the first four lines of the scene, except there are subtitles, so they didn't. Also, just a side note, this is the first time we hear Jesus in German, and it's yes, and I liked it. I was, I was, yeah. But yeah, she basically praised, but she's like, I don't know how to pray. And she's like, oh, I will teach you. Put your hand on my shoulder. And I was like, I love her. Turn me into a woman.

Yeah. It's gonna be a moment where they're just gonna ask to turn her into a woman. You know who's gonna happen? They just faded the black way, too, soon. There's other things I don't know how to do. Yeah, I thought it was gonna turn into like a prayer pillow fight after a while.

Oh, yeah. They're just pillow fighting with my pillows. Use coupon code Hoofen Schlafen. It's actually just Q. It's the letter. So now we're going to check in to see how the mission is going with Hunter. And we learn they've reached a hundred thousand people in Asia. They're they're so proud of that. If you get a hundred thousand how'd they learn it though? Things in Asia that's not a good number. They learned it because as we learned earlier,

they're tracking all of this with phone calls because you know they hacked the Asian police. So they they called up all of Asia. And they were like, Oh, 100,000, just going to write this down on my paper plate where I keep track of it. I'm not even looking at a paper plate on a little table here. Yes, we have. They keep track of 100,000 Asian Christian people now. And the hands off two handfuls of DVDs for the 100,000 Bible star Christians in Asia. 50 DVDs for all of Asia. Less than them. Yeah.

He says, quote, these are for Asia. Okay, but that's the only part of this movie that tracks because if you had 50 originals and you deliver them to Asia, they bootleg a fucking 10 million of them in the first three hours. That's true, they can handle the rest. But literally it was like, give these 50 DVDs to fucking Tim and have him hand him out in Asia. Tim knows our Asia guy.

Yeah, that's the plan. He's not kidding because he says, get that to our Asia contact. They wrote that down. They've got one contact for the continent of Asia. Yeah, one guy. Wait, we only need those seven people, right? We're pretty much right.

But he's such a hard worker. He's so great. This is interrupted though, of course, by a knock at the door. And it's Luke, the guy from the beginning with the man bun, who was clearly practicing a keto somewhere. He knocks on the door though, and him standing there and the way this is filmed is exactly how the rest of the movie is filmed. And this is the problem with when nobody knows what they're doing, everybody films everything in the center of the shot.

And then there's no bokeh, right? So it doesn't, you don't, everything is in focus. Every single thing in the frame is in focus, including the stairs and the exit sign behind the guy. And he is dead center in the frame. And both these guys are off frame with their heads on frame. It's the, it's every single scene in this. And it's the worst. All of it is shot like that. It's the, it's every single scene in this and it's the worst

all of it is shot like that. It's shot on bad home movie by dad. Exactly. And karate man, man guy, the whole point of him in this scene, I think is just to explain how dumb their fucking plan is and the movie doesn't realize that that's what they've written. So he's just like, you guys are dumb. You're sending 50 DVDs to all of age. That's nothing. That's nonsense right there. You're going to get arrested.

Your whole thing is dumb and they're like, we have a hacker hack. Fuck you. I lost my girlfriend, I'm a marine. You beat me to it. Yes, hunter as part of this. So he's like, you are going to get caught. You're just in danger in your serves and each other. He doesn't say that nearly as good English as I just did. And they're like, we have a hacker. It's going to be great. And Hunter's

just like, my broke up with my girlfriend. And he says, I lost my girlfriend. That's a basic freedom. And man, that's like, dude, that's just, that's just something you don't have that you used to have. There's not like a law. There's no law that says you have to have a girlfriend. There are not a million says that Jennifer Holcomb of Bayon, New Jersey has to go out on the date with me.

She's a soldier, quartered in my house. So now it's time for this movie to have a romance. Really? Oh, fuck it. I would have this shit, dude. This scene is so painful. Oh, God. I would rather watch myself get turned down for prom over and over again in some form of hell dementia. This is how romance goes for a lot of people. Eli, this is not this. This is how romance goes for a lot of people Eli. It's not this. This is the Heath and Wright flirting school of flirting for sure. Guys, like, I have a hard time talking to girls and practice kissing on my hand. So I wonder, I try my sister, but she don't like it. Is there way we can, we can make you fuck me. I don't know.

It's crazy. I'm talking about a sister. It's so. He does not exaggerate. He says, I have my sister, but that's not ideal for a family. That's so crazy man. He cannot stop mentioning his sister. This is a romance scene where he is going to kiss her and he mentions his sister for. Yes. And when he's, when he's trying to like sell her on the idea of him, it sounds like he's sort of pitching

like, no, if I were the last man on earth, then would you fuck me? Like, it's very, very odd. Okay. Oh, my favorite part is the moment he actually tries to kiss her. He's like, I am loving you. And she's like, same. That's, that's the romantic. Yeah.

That's the direction. So he's about to go kiss her. And he's like, sorry, can, uh, fuck, can you take off your like 1800s slim engine. It's, it's not a way. You don't know fucking five. And you look like five of those West. You don't know fucking five of them. You look like five of those less.

I don't know why you have done that. I don't know right now. I hate to argue with you, but he does not ask her to remove her tiny little engineers. He gently removes it, kisses her, and then like fucking crazy person replaces it back in the eye. It's amazing. It like it couldn't be more me in like if you he just needed to be thicker and it was made. And it takes off her head and her eyes are so big they fall out like ears.

They just, just, just, just amazing. Does anybody else think that this scene was written by this guy so he could kiss the girl their friend zone? I'm like, you will be in my movie and that'll be a kiss scene. That is very likely accurate. Oh, yeah. Obviously, the best reason this movie could be made was so that this guy could kiss this girl. Yes, so much worse than that. What is sister, maybe you sure?

I don't know. He had a big fight. Yeah, they totally smashed their lipstick. I like two zombies, two. They do not kiss. This is like, I just like smashed their lipstick other for a second. And the camera spins around them for half a second. And then now they're holding hands.

She agreed to clearly agree to one kiss. And that was it. Yeah. And then, and then at the end of the scene now they're holding hands. They did, she agreed to, clearly agreed to one kiss and that was it. Yeah. And then, and then at the end of the scene, they hug like an eighth grade dance and she leaves. But that was a rough hug. Fucking rough. I've been at the funeral of people I've killed and gotten more hurt. Then he gets at the end of the scene.

Yeah. And they also say too, she also says, it's going to be hot, but Jesus will be in the center of our relationship. Yeah. And I'm like, how does that work? Do you have to, I know that there's some people out there that have to fuck through a sheet. You have to fuck through Jesus's hand.

You don't have to put your stick. You don't have to, but you're sad. That's why you're asked who's all the way out right now. There is a fight. Jesus right there Jesus in between so high in our genitals So back at atheist army HQ Once again, she's being brought the vanilla

with the cases And giant letters scribbled diagonally across latest cases across the front of the poll. So great. What is the case? Are they talking about COVID cases or unclear cases of, clear, D.V. Jesus and Angela Marco, Angela Marco kicked that guy in the balls. And so whatever those cases were, we've heard a lot to see that part of the movie. But Laila tries to sneak a couple of pages in, but she's caught by Lucinda, the animal

cracker. She brings her outside and she holds her at gunpoint and then she explains that she doesn't want to be a fan of the guy. But she explains it, Eli, as if she's in an echoey room and they're doing a voice over where she's clearly not in that setting. Yeah, thank you. They cut back and she and she, her back to the camera, right? If she's in an echoey room and they're doing a voice over where she's clearly not in that setting. Yeah. They cut back and she and she, her back to the camera, right? So her back is to the camera the whole time and they clearly didn't get her audio.

The boom was too close to Leila. And so they, they have what they have is really bad audio of Lucinda that they would have to pump up and you'd get all that noise in the background. So instead, they just had to re record it, but they didn't bother to even make it not a giant empty room. They had a, they had a, the, the, the ADR in like an underground sewer. She's outside. Yeah. She's outside and it sounds like she's literally, this small closet. So it's also a giant miss here. So they're trying to have a character turn. Yeah. Lucinda is supposed to be becoming a good character. And she's like, yeah. So my dad, the, you know, Sergeant of the, the Army, he's crazy. Something with trains, he killed people. There was train,

trains represented him. I don't know. It was not. He gave me a whole speech. And then good character, Laila is like, Oh, cool, Lucinda, great. Can you, can you help us? Because, you know, we're the good team where the Christians listen is like, no, okay, bye. Yeah. See him didn't have to happen. But I got to go back to the dad thing real quick, because she describes how she was raised by her dad, like her dad's a bad guy. And like he tried to raise me to be like an emotional robot or whatever. And I'm like, but things only went bad five years ago.

She's unrelated, but just so you know my father. He writes, talked about killing me and my mom. And by the way, again, Heath, I hate to correct you, but this is so important. She says, hey, can you help us do want to change your life? And she goes, no, I get nervous and grow. Yeah. I get nervous. I'm a growth excuse. Yeah. Yes, she can't. She can't pee in front of other people. You stand next to the mirror.

So now it's time for them to have their live YouTube show for all of Christian and the whole world was watching. I did not realize that was what was happening at first and I was like, oh, are they building a fucking porn set? Is this fun happening? Yeah. Yeah. That's what they're like laying down pillows

in like a big pile. And he seems like really nervous too. Like, okay, they're going to come in. I got to fluff a little bit. He's free via. I'm fucking ready for this though. David has a half David has a half David. But no, they're going to do zoom communion. Red yellow yellow leather literally. When they when they when they do zoom communion They don't eat bread. No, they do not they mine eating bread. Mm-hmm. But then they actually drink something for the drinky part. But the drinky part what they drink looks like like

Apple juice or urine. You're you're 100% you're 100% why would you mine that part? You drink it. You're in. Hunter cannot stop drinking his urine. So they do the communion right where it's like, oh, so blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's very holy moment. They got the background music for the rest of the scene. My friends, pay attention to nothing except Hunter who's like, don't drink the more yarn. Don't drink

the more yarn. I want it so bad. But Hunter, the most fun of Hunter is he is asked to pray. Does a terrible job praying? I'll ask somebody else to handle that. But at the end of that prayer, since he drank so much pissy burps, he burps at the end of his prayer. And they kept it in the movie. They also keep him clearing his throat right before his death. They're like, yes, can you lead us in prayer? And he's like, that dude needed a recall. Let's go throughout the entire. And then they turn off the zoom call and they're like, that was so great. The whole earth was watching. Yeah. Yeah. That's sure. Yeah. So they they called up on rotary phones all of the Christians in the world. Here's the zoom link. I'm going to I'm going to read it to you as a you writing this down, lower case you three, four, three, um, out.

Okay. So I'm okay. I can't slow down. I have to cause a whole earth. Did you get one of our DVDs meant for Asia? We sent 50. So that's enough. There was only 30 people in that still frame of a Zoom call that they put up on the

screen either. There's only like maybe 30 people in that. Come on. Who you crap? But meanwhile, back at atheist Army HQ, they have been betrayed by ponytail guy. Oh, man. Sorry. Before we even get to this scene, we know that they're back at a thio stage you because of an establishing shot that took three edits. Yes, they did the end to cut three times to establish a place. You know that place from the movie three shots. Yeah, that's the basement of their church, but yeah, but it is, but like also this is a great time to point out that a ththeist HQ is just a bunch of folding tables with like laptops and they're yeah, a random table. Yeah, there's a occasional machine gun, but they're just folding tables.

They're like church folding tables very much. Yes, but yeah, the sergeant gets brought over to Luke and it's so good because he's like, what information do you have for me? And Luke is like, okay, hello, first of all, my name is Luke. Hi. This is what he says. He says, I hear you are looking for the group that is dancing on your noses.

I know. Say, Ronald, do you sing on your noses? Do you sing on your noses? Oh, God, you're dope. I'm going to work that into conversation so much now. And then he all, he follows that up with, they're only three people. This whole thing is growing out of itself. It's weird.

But he can tell them where they are, which means that the bad guys sound the, let's go kill people along. Yeah, yeah, getting it done alarm music. Yes. Yeah, there's literally a clacks on going on. Just so that what you show up to battle with a banging headache before you. Oh, the sheets in the corner just turn into lights. I don't know. They took the press and alarm button when they go anywhere. Yeah, that's their lead. That's what they do. Go be bad guys, alarm, apparently.

Yes. Oh, we listen to it forever. But yeah, they break into the Christian house where the Christians are not for some reason. And they have to do like a raid shoot, but of course they're not allowed to like break anything because it's their dorm room and they're weird Christian college. So the only kind of violence that happens is they roughly push over a Christmas tree. The guys you got to understand it's like a table top Christmas tree. It's only 18 inches tall.

Yeah. So when they push it over it literally fucking falls into the tiny little tree you would buy a Walgreens. It's a layer. It might as well pop back up like a sippy pop and they're just like, fuck, okay. They're not impactful. Apparently they have to take off single, single pieces of decorations. Try to smash them.

They run over to the DVDs and you can see the actor being like, do I, like break one? Do I snap one? No, we can't break any of the DVDs because we need, okay, we need these DVDs. But I'm going to look menacingly at their Christian DVD. Just brush things gently off the table. That's what you can do. You can brush things gently off the table. And they're also doing the soldiers who are supposed to be following your Steve Jobs are

doing like that military movement thing, like you're raiding a drug house, but they're outside here in the open and just clearly like following the guy they see, but they're doing like criss-cross movements and serpentine for no reason, holding up stop signs and go. Hold up their hand in the one finger and then two fingers to throw in a fastball. Yeah, the guy throws a curve exactly. He gets to the car that we see that we saw from the chase. And he breaks the car window. Now, my friends, this does not matter to the movie, but it will matter to the

funniest part of this movie. So very strong, very important pin in him breaking the car window, but he breaks in the car window drives off and we're back at the beginning of the movie. He also smashes in the car. Okay, but hold on a second. Hang on a second. He breaks into the car, but this is the, he looks right at the camera and kind of was like, yeah, I know.

It's the only scene. He looks right. He breaks into the car. He's like, broken into a car. I have to see that. You guys see that? Now, have any car. Well, that's the, he broke into the car.

He did not have to outwire it. He just got in it and drove it. Yep. No, the kids were on the dash. The kids were on the dash. Oh, the, yeah. So he breaks it in and he reaches up and grabs the key off the dash. Oh, okay. And it's clearly on the dash that the keys were on the dash. Oh, the dash really. Yeah, so he breaks it in and he reaches up and grabs the key off the dash that's clearly on the dash that they locked in their locked car.

Yeah. Yeah, like you do, Tom, like you do, like you do. I must have missed that because it's so ass and I, my brain wouldn't process. Yeah. So we watched the beginning of the movie again. We watched that same car chase. Yeah. That's great.

Then we cut back to Bad Guy Police Station where commissioner bad guy is like, kill him, but like secretly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there were one world government. You got to sleep that under the rug. Okay. There are one world government.

Yeah. Yeah, he's supposed to be saying that like secretly like dispose of this guy discreetly, but he's talking into a microphone. Yes. So that just went over the PA in the. I want to German of this guy discreetly, but he's talking into a microphone. Yes. So that just went over the PA in the bill. I wanted German Steve Jobs to be like, I can hear you. I can hear you. No, no, you can't.

No, I did. I did. And again, they drive this guy who they are about to execute for random secrecy reason. No handcuffs. Well, they drive handcuffs. No handcuffs at all just, all right, get in the car. We're going to go take you to the woods to kill you. Oh, but the police light that is normally outside the car is clearly inside car because you can't have a fake police car in Germany. So they were like, okay, we'll keep it inside

your car and we'll use it only for a minute. okay? Also, why is the atheist army soldier guy wearing a gas mask? Great question. The wonderful question. My guess would be because he is one of the other named characters in the movie. Oh, and they saw gas masks in movies and they were like, this is a movie thing, gas mask. Yeah, done. But Lucinda gets them into the woods, holds her gun out at him, and blackout. Teasing for a sequel. Two shots. You don't know if she killed the other guy.

Or if she killed him, no idea, but there's two shots. It's amazing. Like the Daniel Hawthorne and Biguelis. And then they just flash on the screen like special thanks to Jesus Christ for this movie. But yes, now we're not done real. Oh, the blooper real. And I'm going to pull out that pin because the very first blooper is German Steven Jobs throwing the rocket the car window not hard enough and it hitting him in the ass and three times. He had some three times, man, he can't bring it three times in a row.

No, he's so bad. He throws it and then he knows he knows he threw it like a giant whip because he throws it and he shrinks away and fear from his own throwing. He knew it was bouncing back. Oh, he jumps away like George Michael, like you still doing that, buddy. Like, it was bouncing back. He jumps away like George Michael, like you still doing that buddy? Like it's so good. Also, they show him trying to drink the urine

and all of them accept Hunter or like gross urine and Hunter's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You guys are like, are you guys gonna finish your urine? And then they show every time that Hunter messed up a line so it's like 45 minutes long. Okay.

Okay. Question. Did Lucinda, who may or may not have had a good to Christianity turn, did she shoot Steve Jobs or did she shoot Atheist Army guy with a gas mask for no reason in the final scene? I think she killed cinema. Christian cinema, I'm down. There were two shots. I like to think that she killed Steve Jobs and then herself.

Interesting. I think she just wanted out of the movie and shot herself twice. Okay. All right. That's going to wrap it up for 2025, the world enslaved by virus. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another bad movie, Eli. What's on deck? Well, this is one that you picked out for us. Yes, this is the 1998 Dennis Quaid versus Islam film Savior

All right, well with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 300 to a merciful clothes you thanks to Tom Cecil for joining us. Thank you so much for having us guys It's always a pleasure. It's always a pleasure. Where can everybody hear more Tom and Cecil? Where should they go? Go to citation pod.com and you can hear not just us, but the puzzle guys. We do a great show there. A citation needed. You should check it out every week. We have a blast. We love recording it. It's a lot of fun. You can also check us out at dissonancepod.com. Fantastic. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. You like to help support the show. You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And then I'll get your early

access to an ad free version of every episode. And right now, because it's matron, that'll get you some other stuff too. We got some goals. Matron, pajama party coming up. Yeah, do it. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews. And by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, which was mentioned already, the Skeptocrat, which was in the New York Times, no big deal. Little, A little,

A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, A little,

A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, A little, Acom, legal services for this podcast, provided by the offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars, all other music, was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thank you Morgan! Thanks Morgan! Love you! I again, forgive me for giving you a chunk of your life this week. For Cecil Tomony, I'm Heath, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the animal house close. German Steve Jobs went on to a lucrative career as a minor league pitcher. Inspired by his Jesus Corona joke, Hunter went on to write an equally unfunny trans joke.

Yeah, that sounds just about right. hands joke. Yeah, that sounds just about right. Sergeant atheism definitely went on to put his dick in that model train. It was only two percent. German Steve Jobs was strangled trying to fit inside a leather jacket meant for a coat wreck in a doll's ass. Rachel finally got that back rub.