God Awful Movies - 301: Cutback

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Cutback, the story of a screenwriter assassinating every plot thread he comes up with two scenes after it's established. And also, subpar surfing montages. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Through the entire scene, Casey will be trying to show us the half eaten chips in his mouth because this movie's idea of comic relief measures exactly that of a four year old. Right, and again, the thing that's great about this is that the movie doesn't know how to play comedy. So it's like, yeah, I guess I'll see you later at the party in case he's like errrr ehehehe I'm bad at champs Honestly, you're bad at chips Is that what you said? You're bad at them?

God awful Movie Movie Movie Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Keith, welcome back. Thanks, Noah. Medium. And mediums. And sitting 900 miles to my north, he's to his bad friend Eli Bostic. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Rare. Okay. All right. So yeah, I can see how well done got left out of this discussion all together.

Speaking of which, Keith, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Cut Back. That's the name of a surfing move as I understand it. And the movie is the story of a surfer who never once does a cut back in any, literal or metaphorical way. Yeah. So, all right. So Eli, would you like to tell everybody why we won't be watching the movie that we

announced last week, which was the 1998 movie savior that would be because it is not the hilariously bad 1976 Muslim movie the message right, it's not because you misremembered he's suggestion and instead landed on a different movie about the genocide in Bosnia. Yes, I did. I did do that. Okay. And Eli, at what point did you admit this mistake to Heath and myself?

30 minutes into the movie when the protagonist murders a child on stage. Exactly. They're okay. So apologies to those of you who thought we were going to yuck it up about the Bosnia genocide. I have my first 30 minutes of notes. People all the funny. How would you use to those of you who thought you were gonna yuck it up about the Bosnia genocide? This is my first 30 minutes of notes. The kid falls funny. You know what I said?

He does. He loves, very young. And Eli, they're setting that one aside for a moment. How bad was this movie? I mean way more fun than savior. Okay. A bunch of people in a mosque. Yep.

Like three minutes. He cuts off an old lady's, a baby. Oh God. All savior. Okay. A bunch of people in a mosque. Yeah. Like three minutes. He cuts off an old lady's a baby. All right. Eli. Eli. Sorry. Right. Sorry. So, uh, well, not savior. Got it. Yeah. Well, if you loved point break, but there was too much acting going on for you. You will love this movie. I know it's got surfers and cops. It's just the same. Exactly. So is there anything you guys want to nominate? This would for being the best to be in the worst at?

I would know. I would. Best worst movie poster. Okay. This one you've copied and pasted into the notes. You might want to Google this at home if you're following. Please Google this poster at home. We're looking at it right now. So it's got the like the face of the main two characters looking, you know, into the distance like it, you know, like a movie poster might.

But there's a few other components to the movie poster. First of all, there's a, you know, a quote from a reviewer. It says, life changing in big letters. And then like, I can't read the rest. And then I can't read even more. It's even smaller. The person's name and whether yeah, right. I'm from Twitter. Yeah. But yeah. Also, it's the winner in big letters of the San Diego Christian film festival Christian. And we got the People's Choice Award for that. I have no idea what that is. Their motto, their tagline is one life, one decision, which is the saddest yolo ever. Yup.

This is my favorite part. It's supposed to be like showing us action and there's a fucking old Volvo wagon. Yup. As if it's driving in an action scene. No, it's not. I've watched the movie. There's no action. No, I do love

Vavos. I've I believe I own this car in a different color. It's like an 84 shitty Vavo wagon, which is great actually, but that's their like Action car. It's so good. I'm surprised it doesn't have a headlight out. Yeah, you got to see this thing. There's there are four different pieces of text and four fonts, at least four fonts. Yep. If we're not counting the sub fonts and those fonts. Oh, and one of them is a weird cursive that's the same color as the background right there. It's so bad. Yeah, that's the yellow. Yeah, it could very well be one lick with no C one decision. Yeah, come on. Life one decision one, that's Lodo, at least,

sayable. Right now it's Ola. Doesn't even, the characters look like they're out of a telenovela slash porn. And then there's like a 90 year old guy surfing. It's worth your, it's worth your admiration. Oh, sir. All right. So I was going to go with best worst scene introductions.

Yeah. So like nine out of 10 scenes from this movie will start with the two characters involved in the scene. Just one comes in from stage left, the other from stage right, they meet in the middle, one goes, Hey, the other one goes, Hey, it's just over and over. Yeah. The exit scenes even worse than that. We're going to get to it.

Yeah. Yeah. The exit scenes even worse than that. We're going to get to it. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. And speaking of which, I was going to go with best worst last minute attempt to have a plot. Yes. Movie meanders around its plot for, I'm going to say 90 minutes of it, 120 minute runtime. And then like Michael Scott trying to end a fucking improv scene makes a bold choice about

what it's movie is about. Well, the thing is is that the script keeps accidentally pulling the rug out from under the plot as it has so far been established, right? Yup. They keep doing shit and then you can like, see, you can just feel the writer go, oh, fuck, then this is about nothing. This is a hate crime against a plot like four different times. It's like he has tying up his plot thread accidental Tourettes right? It's just like man I hope I make it to the big skate off. No we're not

doing that this week. Oh shit now. Got him do more movie to find a different plot. No. All right, well I'll tell you what, we need to fill a whole episode with a movie that didn't have a plot. So we're going to take a break for a strategy meeting, but we're back in a flash with all the, oh, hello there that is. Cut back. Okay, how about one of these?

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Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. So we don't need the prizes? Nope, no, I'm already sold. Oh, man, I was gonna put in one of these. Oh, I think that prize might be a little too adult, you know what I mean? Yeah, like save that one for the Adam and Eve, man, dude. Bear. Dude, dude, that's, if I can have your attention, please.

Right, just, right. Indeed. As you know, my dad has finally agreed to fund my surf movie about the time my best friend in the whole world, knuckle-fucker, died in a car accident, and now I'm all into Jesus' stuff. Awesome, dude. Right.

Yeah, so here's the movie, okay? I'm like a surfer, dude. And I don't love Jesus, but then my best friend, Knucklefucker dies, and I'm like, whoa! Maybe I do love Jesus. I'm done, that's the movie, I just described it. Oh, that's like, it's like, the best movie I've ever heard of, like, Tony Wright.

Ah, raw. Oh, so, so like, one thing? It's like the best movie I've ever heard of like So like one thing Yeah, what's that okay, so like I was to get maybe we should like Juice's name in the movie right Casey There's I was just like his mom might watch it, you know, we did put knuckle fucker on the tombstones No, we did but like she was super she was super mad about that that's true That's true. She was kind of mad about that. Oh raw raw

And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up with and here's hoping you'll love the shit out of this because we're gonna Have a lot of it a little bit of ocean b-roll Jesus so we watched the ocean. We meet the buddies at the center of the story. Luke and Casey. Luke is our main character. And Casey is the comic relief, I guess. Who a lot of risk.

There are deep central questions to what Casey is. Yes, moving. Well, in the dialogue is so weird. It's like they think that they're doing stick, but they're just having a banal conversation. Yeah, it's like David Mammott wrote a boring conversation you overheard at a bait shop. Right. Yeah. So Casey is saying, all right, today's the day.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Luke? And I was like, oh, they're going to, you know, like blow each other like. That's cool. Yeah, I will say to Heath's credit, this movie is a fantastic outline for a gay porn that never happens. Yeah. Several gay porn that never happened. Yeah.

So what he means by that is that this is the day that Casey is finally going to overcome his fear of the ocean and get out there and surf, but spoiler alert, he's not gonna. Everybody's will be a shark hiding in the backseat of the car. Yeah, no, nothing's gonna go wrong. Go ahead. So this funny thing is okay. So we get to the beach and Luke is out surfing and Casey just can't get up the guts to go out there, and they're playing it like a silly little quirk, but it's, but it's a debilitating phobia.

That's what they're showing us, right? And I would like to argue this, this is the through line of Casey's character is something horrifyingly tragic happens with Casey, and the rest of the movie is like, oh, that Casey. He is unable to chew food. Like an adult, and we're supposed to be like, oh, we all know that guy. Yeah, it's supposed to be bad. Like he's he's got a phobia and he can't quite step into the ocean, but it was hilarious because we were watching

Eli Bosnick stepping into a pool. Okay. Yes, we were actually. So we watch Luke surfs for one 18th of a second. And then we we leave the beach and they expose it a little on the drive. I wrote in my notes like, wow, I can't believe where high school seniors said you really want to join the surf team, but your parents think it's a waste of time. I can't believe we're putting the elevator pitch for this movie on the screen while we try.

Yeah. And Luke says, I don't want to think about college. I just want to surf. And I was like, yeah, said every actor in every movie we do, that is one. This is also where I got very worried that this movie was going to ask me to know the difference between good and bad surfing.

Yeah, no, it is as you like that, but don't worry, that will never ever come up. Yeah. So, okay. So, and then we can we meet Luke's dad as he's pulling into the driveway. He's a cop and we know this because as he gets out of the car, he puts a gun in the pack of his pants. Every person who does this, I'm rooting so hard for it to go off. Yeah. Yeah. Statistically it does. Yeah. Statistically you are missing an ass cheek because of that gun. Statistically cops have holsters for those things. What the

fuck? Jesus, you cheap ass movie. The other thing that I loved about this is they apparently balanced the video camera on a tree branch for the shot because it's like bobbing up and down. And it's such a weird, so he, mom's leaving just as he's pulling in. And this is the first time that two of these characters interact. And there's so much hatred and animosity between the two of them that must just exist

between the two actors, right? Cause it's not relevant to the plot at this point or anything. Yeah, and dad almost gets hit by his wife's car. Yes. In their blocked out scene, she clearly was like, I'm a fucking henna, I hate this guy. I hate this guy.

Well, yeah, I'm writing him, I know something. Oh, so, okay, so nobody ever notices, dad, she almost backs over him, but no, that was just a fuck up in the film. Yep, in fairness to her, he's wearing sunglasses, those shitty wrap-around ass-hole-own-guys sunglasses that are clearly bullet proof in the ad on Facebook.

And then so we we wrap that you up. Then we had cut over to Luke and Casey sitting on the stairs, eating slacker food like a couple of slackers. Oh, they're making school is hard, small talk here. And I quote, adding is easy. It's the square roots you gotta worry about. What? Yeah, just to be clear, these are high school seniors.

One of them has bombed the arithmetic test. Yes, that's what's happened. Adding is what the, yeah, right, right. And also there's this weird moment where like, we in rapid succession, like people keep walking out of the school and he and Casey's like, oh, that's your new rival. Oh, that's your love interest.

Oh, that's your love interest friend, et cetera. And I'm like, you guys know that this bit only works. Like if the main character is the new kid at school, right? Like he, they both have gone to this school for the same amount of wires. Casey so much more plugged into new people? In fairness to, well, everything I get to see one of them drink Capri Sun and it made me. Oh, yes.

Plasma. Okay, drinks a Capri Sun and he has an old Volvo like in the movie poster. Yeah, there are smoother ax murders than Casey drinking Capri some in this movie. And I just want to point it out here. It will never matter. But surfboard rival is my favorite non-plot point of the movie. It's where it's introduced. This case is like, oh, that's your rival. To say they are rivals would be like saying he and I are rivals on this podcast. They will casually interact a couple of times back and forth. Yeah, that's all right. So, I are rifle son this podcast. They will casually interact a couple of times back and forth. Yeah, that's all right. So I guess you're my guy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a guy.

The extent of the Bible, and then to end the scene, the bell rings. And Casey says, is that the bell? I wrote my notes. Well, I certainly hope so. So what the fuck else would it be? Dude, you bombed an arithmetic to you don't need to work. You can just surf. You have to worry about college. I promise you won't be waiting. Sure.

That was a bell fucking school and adding is hard. What? Don't worry about college, buddy. So that's the thing though is that there's so bad at ending scenes that they constantly have to do that. Somebody will be like, Oh, wait, was that is that the next scene? I think need me for that. Sorry. So then we cut from the scene of Luke and Casey slack and ask

together to a scene where Luke and Casey are going to slack ass together in a different fucking place. Fuck you. There is garage. You know, he's, he's sanding, whatever, he waxing surfboards. I don't know what the fuck you do to a surfboard. He's doing that though All right, so we cut over to his job where he still hasn't shown up for work, darn it So he's a pizza delivery guy for you know pizza brand pizza Yeah, and He's late again Classic a teenager and against yeah, we spent about nine minutes just being told as the audience, this is the concept of his job.

He delivers pizzas. That's it. So slow. But his first delivery is useful to the plot, I guess. His first delivery is to another character. He knows. So that worked out. And yeah, the another character has information

about a potential plot arc. So they don't have that. So he's bringing in this huge stack of pizzas to this surf shop, right? There are, well, I count in five large pizzas and then a smaller box, I assume bread sticks or something like that. So he gets to the guy who wants the surf shop

and the guy's like, how much is it? And he goes 4850 and I'm like, could you guys not look it up? How much that much pizza would be? Yes, so much. Why would you and I'm like could you guys not look it up? How much that much would be so much? Why would you? I'm sure you were the fuckers of ordered pizzas. Yeah. And they have this joke about it, right? Like they don't just fuck it up.

They spend a good six minutes of the scene with surf chop owner being like, whoa. Remember when pizzas were four bucks a piece and I was like, no, and neither do you. You're in your fucking 30s, man. Yeah, but so this character, I never did figure out this character. So the surf shop owner character explains that there's a spot opening up on the local surf team.

And he thinks Luke should try out for it. Oh, Luke also sees the surfboard that has all the extra surfiness in it that he loves so much. And this is a fucking Patterson Noah. It's a Patterson. Yeah, I could not understand. Like I went down a rabbit hole of trying to understand what makes a surfboard good and just found a bunch of ads that made me deeply unhappy with my life choices. Just like, what at bra? Are you looking for the ultimate and surf technology? Yeah.

No, delete history, delete history. This movie's fucked up. My ads quite a bit. Yeah. Yeah. So, and oh, and he gets back to the pizza. There's just dumbass bit where he gets back to the pizza. Reyes. Don't with his deliveries and the boss goes, you forgot to deliver one of your pizzas. He's like, oh, I sure did because I'm such a bad employee Because I didn't look next to me and notice that there were still pizzas there. Wouldn't you check the entire one thing in your job You didn't do just yeah That's too much that I should do that. Yeah, are you bad at arithmetic? Right that's true. That's true. The kid get at is no square roots in this job

But still okay, so that we cut Deluxe mom perusing the Bible every time a scene opens with this woman and except for that first one She will be reading about and the only reason she wasn't in that first one is because she was backing out of a driveway. Right. She was trying to commit vehicular manslaughter. Honestly though, she was backing out like she was reading the Bible. Also worth pointing out, mom is slightly younger than Luke. Yeah. And not great at reading the Bible. We've become connoisseurs at this point. Yeah, no, she's kind of flipping pages backwards and forwards, like it was a pick a path adventure or something. No, my

finger was on the page. I didn't get it by the yeti. So yeah, but so Luke's late and and dad's late. So when they finally get their mom has to say passive aggressive grace. Oh my god, passive aggressive grace is fantastic. There's the awkward pause after grace and dad's like, yeah, amen, sorry. No, sorry. Yeah, no, Hensha. Amen to my dick being tiny and you hate me. I hate you so much, I hate this marriage, I fucking wanna die. It was really hard to tell the what exactly she would say

because no one would like have the guts, I guess to tell that woman that mumbling under her breath wasn't doing it for the microphone. So you can just barely understand her in almost all of her scenes. Yeah. So they have this dumbass dinner conversation though that boils down to they want him to go to college, but he just wants to surf, darn it.

Oh, is there a conversation more boring than you guys don't believe in my surf dreams? He becomes all my for the rest of the movie just like, I want to surf. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I want to go college. I want to be a podcast surfer. Fuck you. I mean, he storms away from the table and I wrote my notes. See, this is the difference between boys and Jews. Jews finish their food no matter what fight they had at the dinner table. Okay. I could, I, someone could finish telling me they wish I was an abortion. I'd be like, all right, well when I'm done with this Google, I will be stopping away. I mean, you know, I was just a Jewish thing. By the way, so hungry people.

So, uh, so Luke drives off to slacks some more. We watch him drive for a fucking while. Oh, the music here is rough. I wrote my notes. Music notes sound garden of Eden. He's being all like, and he's like, I'm gonna go drive and listen to Christian soft rock. Yeah. Five minutes. It's like the whole music for Neo Hitler youth. Yeah. Absolutely. It was on the phone with him. Well, I was so fucked up as we'll see, we'll see this over and over again in the movie. They didn't know how to to like arrange a piece of music for the time that they needed so they had to keep like Expanding out the montages and putting in weird establishing shots to make it match up to the music they had Yeah, we get a little more surfing in this montage

And could I just say maybe it's just this movie? I don't watch a lot of surfing movies, but to surfing always look worse than it seems like it should. Yes. I always feel like something cooler should happen. Well, so here's the thing, surfing, I'm sure is super fun to do, but even world-class surfers are kind of boring to watch after a minute or two,

and these are not world-class surfers, right? Yeah, because you're like, oh, look at it, you got up on the wave there. You're standing on the board. Oh, you fell. Oh, that was it. That was the whole thing. Now you've fallen down.

You go on to the left. No. You're going to do a cut back. Go fuck myself. Because that's in the title. Cool. You're not going to do that. I'm pretty sure we actually never see anyone land

like a trick of any sort in this entire movie. No, no, they start several tricks a couple of times. But even that we barely even get. They had a bunch of like stock footage surf clips without success. Yep. That's not the actors. Well, up splash.com doesn't give you the good surfing trick for free. Yeah, all right, exactly.

By the way, right here, I was like, okay, calling it now, minimum five more dash.com doesn't give you the good surfing tricks for free. Right. Exactly. By the way, right here, I was like, okay, calling it now, minimum five more surf montages and guaranteed. Oh, and you nailed it. You nailed it. Yeah, exactly. I didn't write it in the notes at this moment, but as soon as I saw that, your notes was like, I'll take the over.

So now he's finished it up at work. It's time for a little boss wisdom, right? Yeah, and I love this actor because he is the, I can't modulate the volume of my voice SNL bit. Oh, and I want to play. Yeah. Yeah, and he's like, he's very drill sergeant, and he's like, oh, Luke, you've got to have a plan.

The life will get very messy if you don't have a plan. I'm like, I've never, I've literally never no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, yes, let's start with Christianity being undeniably correct. And then we can move on from there. Yeah. Yeah. And this is where the movie really establishes like, don't worry, we're a Christian movie because they have this fantastic moment where he's like, you know, God says you got to honor your parents, but, but God also made you a surfer. So, you know, you get a balance that shit out. He ends the speech with like, okay, well, you just need a plan to appease God. And looks like, God surf and he's like,

nope, nope, nope, nope. You need to go to college, please. Can I surf with God? Maybe night school. Well, and I love this explanation of why you need to go to college. It's like, well, just look at me. I went to college and it worked real hard. And now I own a shittiest

pizza place. I come home every night smelling like grease. And I know that for rest of my life, I'm, let's put a dominoes over here away from bankruptcy. Yeah. Right. Live in the fucking dream. Here, man. All I do is give these speeches to kids like you. It's my entire role. It's ridiculous. So. All right, so the next day, Casey and Luke are at a record store so that we can start wondering when this movie is.

They're buying LPs too. They're not at a music store flipping through anything else. No, literally they're by help ease. Yep. I want to see them try to play a record. It's so bad. Oh, Casey's just running it around inside his teeth, hoping the sound comes out.

Yeah. Do we fight with the needle? No. But what we learned here is that Casey has signed Luke up for the tryouts for the surf team that we talked about a few scenes ago. Yes, but surf enemy also signed up. We'll never matter.

We'll not pay off in the worst possible way. I want, seriously, podcasts this or take a second. You've earned it, right? You made it through COVID. You're still alive or you're playing this for a dead person in which case, weird hobby. Either way, take a moment and be like, what's the most disappointing, most nothing result of these surf tryouts? This movie will defeat that. Yep. Yep. Absolutely. So, okay. So he goes home from the record store to tell his parents this awesome surfing

plan that he came up with, right? Well, his plan is just like, so, uh, mom, dad, I was thinking, I might surf. Yeah. Like he's asking his parents to do anal. Yeah. It's so fucking weird. Yeah. So just to be clear, his pizza parlor mentor is like,

he got to come up with a compromise and his compromise between going to college and surfing is how about i join a surf team. Well right, well so yeah well and this is when they realized that like those two. Pursuits are not mutually exclusive right he's like my plan mom and dad is what if i went to college and surfed. And they're like yeah okay. and surfed and they're like, yeah, okay. That's fine. We didn't say that you had to stop the surfing part. Yeah, the plot assassin strikes like this movie's plot head.

Fucking insulted Vladimir Putin. It's just like, oh, you can do both. I genuinely thought he was gonna look up from his foot and be like, so what do you guys think the movie's about now? Because now it's about nothing. You understand that the movie is about nothing? I was gonna storm out. No, I can't really, you just said, yeah.

So I don't even know, there's nothing. There's nothing. But then there was like, he adds the surperfluous plot as though he realized that in real time. He's like, all right, okay, so you guys have already agreed to this. So here's the deal. If I don't make the surf team, I'll go to college

wherever you want. But if I do make the surf team, I'll keep surfing college wherever you want, but if I do make the surf team I'll keep surfing for the rest of my life and they're like, yeah, man, whatever we just trying to cut off fucking clouds. You know, we said yes before you make the surf team. All right, well, please, dad, all right. If I don't make the surf team, I'll suck your fucking dick. You want that, Danny?

Okay, son, I'm going to need you to stop making all the first. You want that daddy? Okay, son, I'm going to need you to stop making offers. All right, so sometime later, he's at work and this is when love interest comes in. This is Emily. Oh, Mike. Okay. What, here's a little pop question for you. What terrible thing did these two human beings go through that their chemistry is so stale on stage I'm guessing they were concentration camp guards together that is That's an awkward bump into later. Yeah, right? That explains their acting abilities. Yeah So yes, so Emily comes in with her friend Jessica that they're they're're there to pick up a pizza, but Luke has to flirt a bit first. Oh, Jessica's the fucking best. Is it she though?

She's fantastic. So yeah, Emily and Luke are doing their bullshit eye contact. We used to be at a concentration camp as guards together. And Jessica's just like, dude, how much for the fucking pizza? So God damn. Let's go. I'm eating my pizza. Actually, literally halfway through the love scene. She just like, dude, how much for the fucking pizza? So goddamn holy shit. I'm eating my pizza. Actually literally halfway through the love scene, she's like, I'm just gonna take this to the table. They will not be pizza when you get there if you take home.

Oh God, he gets her fucking order and he's like a large pepperoni extra cheese, right? And I'm like, oh my God, even the pizza orders in this movie are boring. Oh, okay. And then he goes, I like that. Well, yeah, me too,

but I know it's too boring to be a fucking movie. And then he goes, like, so, hey, are you ladies come into the party tonight because that's where the next scene is. And they're like, oh, really? Okay. All right. So I guess we're going to the party.

So now we do the party. Yes. Yeah, exactly. You at the party and the list. So fucking high school generalized. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. You at the party. Everything is so fucking high school generalized for their whole movie. Yes. They'll go to the point. They'll have the party. Yeah. He's going to join the team. All right. So now we cut over to the party. The goddamn garage band ass soundtrack continues. Oh, we see one of these shitty actors extras being like, this is a keg. Oh, you twist the keg knob.

Yeah. And then keg it, I hurt myself. So somebody's just standing on it. Yeah, I think you have to. And then move on. So, yeah, and we see that Casey sure isn't having much luck with the ladies because he's overweight. Yeah, classic, but again, like this movie never full on does comedy with him.

So it's not like he's like, and then I said, ain't no fissure. He just like tries to talk to girls and then we see them walk away and he looks sad for exactly. And everybody's like, ha ha, fat guy. A man again, unloved in a loan. sad for exactly and everybody's like, ha ha, fat guy. Good night. Good night, again. Unloved in a loan. It's so.

All right, so and then Emily and Jessica show up, so Luke goes to flirt with them. And he's like, oh, look, it's the always walking together two girls. Let me go talk to them. And this is a very special version of failing the Beck del test. These two women are with each other all the time, apparently never talking until they literally encounter a male. But they're always together on real made's tail. And of course, this is where

they like, you know, he walks up to them and they're like oh is this some kind of Alcohol having party. Oh And again Jessica's my fucking hero. She's like so this is what you call a party. Where's the fucking cake asshole? But yeah, so they they flirt for 11 seconds and then Emily's like I gotta go though I can't be at a party with drink drinkers. Sorry, we only had 18 seconds to be at this party. This is, yeah, we used them. Yeah, okay, so Luke slinks back to Casey

after Emily and Jessica leaves. And Dammit if rival kid that Luke has still never met, isn't right there talking shit. Out of nowhere. Yeah. They're talking and he's just like don't even bother bra. She's a Jesus freak and they're like, Oh, you ventured our conversation. Hello, my friend, we're talking to you. And he's like, Oh, sorry, I'm a I'm the surfing rival from earlier in the movie.

You're a rival. Are you like the antagonist? Yeah, no, I realize that we haven't met. So, right. I came on strong. There's usually an established part where we don't like each other. Well, so that's the fucked up thing though, is that Matt never does anything mean or unkind or rivalry.

At this point, he's like, hey, man, yeah, no, I heard you, sir, and I also serve, so I would like to shake your hand and look like, yeah, fuck you. And I'm like, oh, well, if he can't say fuck you, he says, hey, man, you're acting like a cook. It appears we have a conflict. You just showed up in the conversation like a cook, he said. And the other guy's like, Yeah, but you said cook. Yeah I'm allowed to do whatever I want from now on. That might be the most amazing lack of profanity of 301 episodes. Yeah And this leads to a challenge and it was like all right, well, let's have a surf contest I'll take you on right now fucking

Lancer thing go on this payment at this party I was so hoping it was gonna flash cut to them just like staring at each other on boards doing nothing. Shit, we should have done this in the ocean, right? The oceans. Well, right. Yes. So like, Matt's like, I'll out surf you anytime. And I'm like surfing isn't like a race or tennis or something. Like, how do you surf against one another right now? Well, you go to the point. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And that's they realized they're like, Oh, right. No, land surfing would be nothing. Yeah. That's the standing still. That's doing. Okay. Tomorrow and 8 30 at the point. So that's what they're doing now.

And that's the great thing is that they have to do that. They have to like sadly acknowledge that if you want to surf without running into a child on a beach vacation, you can only surf for like eight 30 to nine. Yeah. So they're like, I'll see you six 45 tomorrow morning, the only time we're allowed on the beach. That's waves. It's a waves thing that that early. Yeah. So okay. So that night Luke sneaks back into his house drunkenly through the sliding door. Oh, come on, drunk sneaking into your house is fucking great. I miss it. Now that I'm an adult, I want to do it as a challenge.

Right? Right. There was too many snakes now, but I feel like I'd be good at it now. I still wanted the fucking door to come off the runner. And he's sitting there trying to lift it. He can lift it and push it back. Yeah, just falls out of the frame and shatters. No. But it wouldn't matter though, because of course, dad is standing right there watching him

sneak in. He says, my son is out there drinking and getting drunk. Yeah. Yeah. How do you think this reflects on me? And I'm like, it doesn't. It doesn't. Literally. That just drops out of the ceiling and screams. Yeah, how do you think this reflects on me and I'm like it doesn't? Yeah, literally

That just drops out of the ceiling and screams. I'm a cop and it's like I call you right. It was not like this for me For me was like my dad also like stone drunk The door is already shattered as he's the sneaking in That's picking the last set of songs. Yeah, right. Right. Well, my dad was a fucking cop. It was standing right there, where as soon as you got into the door.

So yeah, this was a bit triggering for me. And I wasn't drunk because I was at Denny's with the drama club. Yeah, the point is cop dad is like Luke, you're grounded. And by the way, that would include any, I don't know, showdowns at the point you might have going that counts when I, when I let you do that. What? You ever show down at the, ah, you said,

I really got it. They also have the, you know, you wouldn't sneak out and get drunk if you loved Jesus enough discussion here. Yeah, which is great because they have a fight within the movie about which of them isn't Jesus enough discussion here. Yeah, which is great because they have a fight within the movie about which of them isn't Jesus enough? He's like, you need to love Jesus. He's like, no, no, we just established your character needs to love Jesus.

No, I love Jesus the second most. Your mother loves Jesus the most. We both love Jesus. I'm sorry. And all right. So, but I'll tell you what, him being grounded is what we're gonna get in terms of cliffhanger moments in this movie. So, we're gonna take a break there, but we'll back in a minute with even more cutback.

Eli, Heath, get in here. Yeah, no, what's up? Amazing news. Ray Comfort died. No, no better. Kirk Amrendaid. No, guys, nobody died. Ray Comfort got mangled in far,. Would you, would you, would you,

would you stop? We got our very first spot from Audible. Get out of here. What? Okay, usually what do you guys would say like, what's Audible? I mean, it's a podcast now. Yeah, everyone knows what Audible is.

Don't, don't be weird. That's a weird thing for you. Yeah, so, but Audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment all in one place. At audible, you can find the largest selection of audiobooks ranging from best sellers to new releases to celebrity memoirs, languages, business, motivation, and more, like original entertainment from top celebrity creators and thousands of popular and binge worthy podcasts.

Oh yeah, they do. As an audible member, you'll get one credit every month good for any title in their entire premium selection. That means the latest bestsellers, the busiest new releases, the hottest celebrity memoir, or that bucket list title that you've been meaning to pick up. Those titles are yours to keep in your audible library forever. You'll also get full access to our popular PLUS catalog. It's filled with thousands and thousands of audiobooks, original entertainment, guided

fitness and meditation, sleep tracks for better rest and podcasts, including ad free versions of your favorite shows and exclusive series. All are included with your membership so you can download in the stream all you want, no credits needed. Wow, so Noah, any recommendations on Audible? Well, with the movie ostensibly anyway coming out soon, there's never been a better time to revisit the 1965 sci-fi classic Dune and their multi-ariator audiobook production you'll find on Audible is absolutely stellar. How about you, Heath?

Well, I recently listened to a libertarian walks into a bear. It's a story of libertarianism causing bear mollings. Yep, there you go. And new members can always try Audible for 30 days on us. Just visit audible.com slash awful or text awful to 500 500. So I can visit audible.com slash awful or just send a text that says awful to 500 500? That's right. Audible, your playlist for life. Wait, what's audible.com?

Heat the Add is over. I know, I just get the point that counts. It does 37 B Hi, I'm Tony D. Are you a police officer in a television show or movie? Well then come on down to Tony D's House of Movie Cops for all your movie cop needs we've got cops just one week away from retirement We got rookie cops looking to make a difference and of course we got crooked cops who turn on everybody and act three for no apparent reason. Sorry Tony, it was me all along. God damn it, not now Chris. Right, right, sorry. Sorry. Getting a cop for your Christian movie,

we've got all the work cops, busy cops and cops who should really focus less on being a cop and more on going to church with their family. I said I need to solve this murder. But today is the bake off. But that's not all. Order two cops this weekend for a big Mayday sale and you'll get a free badge and gun perfect for turning in when the case goes too far or not far enough. Whatever it's a gesture. Don't eat these house of movie cops.

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You know, a pug needs garlic bread. Yeah, yeah, we told people they were stealing money from you, lies baby in the song. So I think we kind of covered that. Guar, what about the perjurem or party? Oh, hey, Melania Trump. What about the perjurem party? Well, once a year we get the cast together,

not for a live show, not for work, but just to hang out, play games and eat good food. That's right, and all the patrons of all our shows are invited to watch along online. I'm Tony D. now, by the way, I didn't reuse the character. That's right! Sarah Huckabee Sanders! That's right, Buttercup! We answer in questions and playing games on the evening of August 7th. But that's not all. If we get enough new and upgrading patrons, you can make us do stuff like vegan snack taste testing, a live performance by Anna or changing the name of Edois baby to Heath and Roy.

That's right. You can. So if you want to give us money, head over to matrion.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N. dot com to see our goals and give what you can. Do you guys try blackmail? head over to matrion.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N-D-C-R-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S-G-O-L-S was stolen from me. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open up on Luke waking up the next morning. He's grounded, but he's going to sneak off to surf despite his groundedness. Well, he kind of had to, I mean, the bassoon started playing. That would be weird. If I didn't sneak out, right? Turns to the bassoon player. I'm sneaking

out, right? Yeah, yeah, you're sneaking out. He sneaks out. He almost gets hit by a car. His dad wakes up. He's like, honey, did you hear our son foreshadowing? Yeah. He's right. Exactly. So he gets to the beach and we watch a little neck down surf in front pants. Yeah. This is a surf off. I have no idea what is happening. Okay. Yeah. So first of all, I didn't even count this as one of the surf montages. I'm going to I'm going to be counting them from now on. I didn't even count this one. We've had we've had one so far. So unimpressive. Yeah. Yeah. But this is the meat at the point for the big surf off. I don't like it. Right. They're just like, I surfed you. No, I

surfed you. No, you're surfed. You're surfed. Mist. I have bracelets on that, but you're surfed. Bouncing off of my bracelets. Yeah. Right. Well, and then the reason you didn't count the fucking montage is because the montage is like, yeah, we love the Jesus. Well, we say, oh, oh, dad's here. Dad's here. Never mind. We are not loving Jesus. Yeah. Right. Dad shows up and cuts the fucking montage. That's how we know who wins the surf off. It's whoever's dad shows up first, who loses the surf.

They lose the surf. Oh, right. You just, whoever surfs the longest win. The same. Which means I'm guaranteed to win any surf offs I've ever had. Unless you're surfing against Heath. Yeah. That's true.

Yeah. Dad found him though, because this is the one place for surfing. Right. Yeah, right? That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Dad found him though because this is the one place for surfing right But it's the point. I mean obviously you would go to the point. It's not a point So yeah, so they go home so that dad could be an asshole more This is what I realized that mom's primary function outside of Bible reading in this movie would be condescending a size primary function outside of Bible reading in this movie would be condescending a size. Right? No matter what dad says or what the Sun says, she sighs condescendingly like I would have done so much better. And it's like, well, why don't you fucking yell?

Let's kid then. Jesus. Yeah. Dad's being all man. He's doing that thing where he's like, your son is a piece of shit who is grounded and snuck out because of a bassoon. And she's like, well, God gave him the gift of surfing. Yeah. That's like, okay, you say dumb shit like that all the time. I want to do this.

I would like to divorce you now because the dumb shit like that that you say. That was a weird twist at the end of the scene. He was like, honey, you know, I feel like we really aren't on the same page when it comes to our sons. So, and our marriage and divide our shit in half. What do you think, End Our Marriage? Yeah, well, so yeah, he's like, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit conflict that you and I clearly have. I'm gonna go to work and she's like, but it's Saturday, there's no work for you today.

You're off and he's like, well, somebody's gonna make the money and she's like, yeah, but how is that related? Oh, you're gonna fight crime for tips in the town where like a jubber, what the fuck the town. Yeah, I'm volunteering for the police today. Yes, exactly. I'm gonna pick up a mid shift. Yeah. All right. So yeah, so then Matt, the new kid, the surf rival, he calls it audible. And he decides that he's just going to be friend number two instead of rival. Yeah, he literally walks up to him at school and he's like,

hey, it seems like maybe the conflict is your parents marriage now. So we might as well just hang out. We're not really enemies so much as we're in minor competition over a spot on a surfing team, huh? And he's like, oh yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't know. Are you still the antagonist? Where are you even before? All right, you're gone.

You're gone. All right, so then we head back to the house where we get to meet ridiculously hot youth pastor. Who the fuck is this? Okay, he's never been in any other movie. This is it. This is insane because we don't know right away that he's the youth pastor So I was just like okay, mom's introducing the son to her

sex robot He's impossibly good looking yeah, it's saying if handsome squid word were a surf instructor saying if handsome Squidward were a surf instructor, it's this man. Well, everyone in this movie is way to attractive for this movie, right? But like this guy, it's just, yeah, it's silly that no one ever, like, mentions how hot he is. And we use. Yeah. But he's the youth pastor and he's there for like a Jesus intervention with Luke.

Okay, that makes a lot more sense because the way they play this scene, it's like someone was afraid to write full-on dialogue for this movie. Because the way they play this scene is like, Hey, Luke, I thought you might like to come down to church sometime and he's like, maybe and his dad is like, Luke, seriously, I'll fucking stab you in the heart. Okay. It's, he doesn't quite say that, seriously, I'll fucking stab you in the heart. Okay. It's, he doesn't quite say that, but it's really fucking close.

Yeah. So Luke's arguing back against going to the church, whatever with the youth pastor. That's like, no, I will physically abuse this child until he goes to church. Don't worry, pastor. Yeah. And then the pastor nods affirmative and the scene ends. Yep. Wouldn't want to spoil the child there Would you like to use my rod? And then okay, so so he goes up to his room and then we get Luke and Emily meeting with this another entirely

Uninspired. Hey look, we're both walking towards one another in this non-descript location moments, right? Hey, sorry, sorry left that party after like 18 seconds. That was like a really weird thing. Let's talk some more now. Yeah. If I'm in any location for more than one minute, I explode like the bus from speed. Oh, all right. Now it all makes sense.

Well, yeah, she's like, well, you know, I disapprove of alcohol. So I had to leave the party and I'm like, yeah, but you're a fucking high school kid regurgitating dumb shit. Someone else said and have no life experience from which to draw. So it's literally impossible to give a shit what you think because you don't think. Yeah.

Luke instead, here's her say like, okay, stop drinking gross and he's like, cool. Yeah. Cool. So, like, church or like that. Sounds fun. I bet you and your friends do a series of activities that are all your idea, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. You have a lot of original thoughts. Yeah. A lot of original music. Really on the cutting edge of culture. Yeah. And this scene is so fucking stupid because he's like, yeah, I have to go to youth group now. My parents are making me and she's like, well, I go to youth group because I love Jesus

so much. He's like, oh, we're going to meet up at church youth group later. And she's like, yeah. And he's like, well, then this scene is entirely superfluous, right? Yeah. We just have to see where we meet up there, we already went over that you didn't like me at the party. There's really no reason for this scene to exist at all.

Nope. Jesus Christ. And then, oh, and then we have that super important exchange where Luke asks mom about her relationship with dad. Why the fuck would we care about this? Mom, I couldn't help but over here that scene from before where dad was like, by the way, wanna divorce. You okay?

Yeah. It's pretty great though. He's like, so are you even dad happy? Also, before you go ahead and lie, no you're not. I heard you were not. Yeah, right. You're not. And she's like,

sometimes life is all about doing shit that you absolutely fucking hate with every fiber of your being every day until you die. She's, she says, we both love you. Yeah. Okay. So not. Yeah, you like spending time with one another. Not even. And she's like, no, so not. Oh, yeah, you like spending time with one another. Not even. And she's like, no, scene. Nope.

We're cut. Stop saying cut. All right. So and then we head off to fucking to Shane's youth group and he manages an opening even later than the the Oxford English dictionary defines acts as he starts off by saying, so how would you guys define integrity? Okay. I couldn't even be bothered to look in the OED apparently.

Here's the great thing though, right? All of these actors are doing like youth group is fun and our pastor is sweeping us away with his question that is boring to be had with a child. But if you watch it as I did as everyone is so fucking horny for this bastard. It's allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants. Yes, it's a pretty great scene. Yeah, well that's exactly how it plays because once again nobody ever addresses the fact that he's so stupid fucking hot. But yeah, he's like, you know, he calls on Abby. She nails the definition of integrity, by the way. Yeah, Brett, he fucking shuts down Brett. This is Brett's one line. And he's like, she's like, ah, caring about your family. And he's like, what about going

on porn websites? And he goes, yeah, moving on. And I was just like, yeah, I'll pour the little bread. That's where he goes immediately in the open classroom environment. What's a great example of integrity when I want to jerk off to porn, but I don't. Sorry, did I say that out loud? Oh, shit. Brett, that is your answer to every fucking

which one is your favorite? And we're all a little sick of it. I can see your erection through your short spread. It's just super obvious, man. Why would tucking it into your waistband make it less obvious, man? It's a thing. Okay, you're all tucking right now. Am I?

All right. So then we check back in and mom and dad at home. Mom is reading the Bible again. This time, I shit you not. You can watch the movie. If you don't believe me, it's Rihanna Amazon. Her lips are literally moving as she Yeah, if you held her lips in place she would become a little

Better than that. She's not actually reading so her lips if you watch them are going Too much law too much law La la la. Yeah, right. Right. Mumble, mumble, mumble. Too much law. Too much law. Yes.

So mama dad are fighting. She's like, you work too much. I bet you're going to have to work during our marital counseling session too. I'm like, wow, that's a lazy transition. I bet you're going to be working during the next scene. And maybe for, sorry, one second. Look at my script.

For and a half scenes from now. Yeah, I mean, you'll be working. So I want to point out that mom has a variety of different crucifix necklaces. At this point, I started counting them. She has a different one for every scene. It's, I think this movie doubles as like a commercial for her Etsy shopper.

Oh, well, yeah, she also has a number of different Bibles. We will see her reading from multiple Bibles as this story goes on. So, yeah, so they have that, but we learn that they're going to marital counseling. Don't worry, it's not real counseling, it's church counseling. So, then youth group has wrapped up. Luke is getting a ride home from pastor's shame, right?

So, the two of them have to chat it up a little bit to close this scene out. Oh, I was so close to a gay porn here, and I want to watch it. That would have been an excellent gay porn. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. And Pastor Shane's like, Hey, Luke, we grab those Bibles for me over there

in like a circular motion, like wax. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Grab this rosary bead from my heart. Yeah, from my heart. So stupid. And then of course, we learned that Pastor Shane might know something about surfing,

about how hard it is to be a professional surf. Yeah. But I don't want to spoil this movie, but this conversation in the context of what we learn later is ridiculous. Right. Sure is. So we're going to find out later in the movie that Pastor Shane was a pro surfer. Right.

So in this conversation, he's like, so what do you want to do, Luke? You want to be a professional surfer and looks like, yeah, and he's like, cool. Anyways, let me give you a ride. Yeah. He's like, you know, it's really hard being a pro surfer. It's really easy to fail and, you know, become a Christian actor in one of the other. Yeah, exactly. Looks like what do you know about surfing?

And he's like, come on, I'm very clearly a failed pro surfer. Yeah, so make a sense. Come on. That's my job. So yeah. And he's like, hey, then, you know, we have a church surfing group that you could come to. You could surf with me and people like me. Wouldn't that be great? You have an ad hearty shirt by any chance. I just love that there's a Christian version

of everything. Yeah. Like it's just there's just this beautiful dark alternate universe. And it happens in all the Christian movies, but it also happens in the real world. Like I love that though universe is full of landmines that you're like, oh, there is actually a board game meetup near me in New Jersey. Oh god damn it. It's Christian. Yeah. Yeah, they have their own fucking WWE. It's insane. You show up for a surf club. You start pouring milk over your board. Everybody's like, oh, we are. No, no, no, no. Okay, it's a, oh, we are. No, no, no, no. Okay. It's a Jesus one. Sorry, guys.

So, okay, so then we get the scene where like mom debriefs him about how youth group was. It's like, God, Jesus, the progression of this movie is so fucking tedious. They have a scene and they have two characters talk about that scene. Honestly, if the next scene had been dead, talking to him about his conversation about with mom about youth group, I wouldn't have been suppressed. Jesus, at one point, so the mom's supposed

to be a real estate agent. At one point, she goes, I finally got an offer on that Johnson's old house. I'm like, really, we're not gonna retake that with all those words in the correct order. We're just gonna plow up over the guard. That's okay. One take, every time they shot this movie,

they were missing sweet, sweet wave crush. So one take. Apparently, yeah. Yeah, but mom is very proud of Luke for doing the thing that they made him do. And she talks about how much she hates her marriage a little bit more. Yep.

She's like, you know, life isn't about doing what we like. It's about being married to your father. Well, yeah, she says life is noise about doing what we want. And he's like kind of like you staying married to dad. And she's like, wow, opera posting. Yeah, exactly. I'm not cut. Little too close to. And then she says, you know, the things we don't like to do, it's all just a season in our lives. And I was like, wow, that's rough. Your marriage, it's just 30 years of winter.

And I'll be, and I'll be, and I'll be, and I'll be, fuck, get divorces people. If you can get divorced. Yeah, for fuck's sake, especially, yeah, your kids 18, Jesus Christ, what are you waiting on? Go have some fun, fuck some people or something. All right, and then we get to watch this couple go to counseling and that's fun Okay, but this counselor he is so fucking psyched that anyone is here

Yeah, I want the movie where we watch this character and no one ever shows up because obviously This is the first couple to ever show up to his couples counseling Sunday. Oh, yeah No, no, he says he's like, well, I'm really surprised to see that the husband is here. It's usually just the wife that shows up Really Yeah, right Can you couples counseling without the other person present? No, I think they do some of that on purpose, but the other one shows up for the next one. Well, yeah, sure.

Go to a serving. Yeah. But then they sit down for counseling and she aggressively sarcastically sighs about something he says and he's like, see, pastor, there's the problem. My wife's a bitch. That's the problem right there. Can you cure that? Yeah. Your book. And the pastor is like, see, faster, there's the problem, my wife's a bitch. That's the problem right there. Can you cure that? Yeah.

Your book. And the faster is like, okay, box. You guys are both here, right? That's pretty cool. You showed up here. Me? You guys? And then he says, the Bible,

it has so many amazing marriage tips. And I was like, wow, you sure you want to get into that? Yeah, really movie? Right. You're going to get into the marriage tips about the, the Bible, what the Bible says about men and women in relation to reality. I'm like, almost all of that shit's illegal, dude.

Yeah. He says the Bible, quote, the Bible is full of things you can build your life upon. I was like, for instance, did you know rabbits can chew their own cuts? Right. Right. He said, he specifically says there are concrete things the Bible tells you that you can do. And the example he gives is the quote from Joshua, where Joshua says, this is the entire quote, as for me in my house, we will serve the Lord. That's one of the concrete things that you can do in your relationship.

Yeah. Also, just pointing this out. At that point in Joshua, Joshua is standing there with a sword being like, well, I'm going to keep being Jewish and I'm going to murder everyone who does. Well, right. And also, I want to point out the circular nature of this argument. He's like, well, you know, if you follow the Bible, it'll tell you all kind of important things to do. And he's like, like, what? Like follow the fucking Bible. And that's the end of their counseling session. Yeah. Four minutes. Rule number two. First rule number one. There you go. Yeah. Pre-fucking, the priestess, well, the problem is you're insufficiently Christian. Oh, that's time. That's it. And then we get another slap. Yes. Well, hello,

they're seen where Emily happens upon Luke and Casey. This is the scene that's only worth mentioning because through the entire scene, Casey will be trying to show us the half eaten chips in his mouth because this movie's idea of comic relief measures exactly that of a four year olds. Right. And again, the thing that's great about this is that the movie doesn't know how to play comedy. So it's like, yeah, I guess I'll see you later at the party in case he's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Honestly, you're bad at chips. Is that what you said? You're bad at them. Honestly, if this movie had gone just a little bit further, like in every scene, Casey gets worse and his severe brain damage becomes more and more obvious. Yeah, right. That would have made the lesson of the movie make way more sense. Yeah, honestly.

Yeah. And then Luke gets mad at him. So Emily goes away and he's like, dude, what the fuck? You make him look at idiots with the chips away and he's like, dude, what the fuck? You make him look at idiots with the chips. And he's like, I'm a big handful. It's not a man I'm a fool. I have all big handful of ones.

I'm not good at chips. Yeah, but before she wanders off, Emily invites them to go to boomers, which is an arcade, I guess, with the youth group on Saturday. And she's sort of afterthought in Vice KC as well, but Luke is like, man, if you want to go to the arcade,

you have to go to youth group with me. I'm like, feel like he can go to the arcade with a fucking watch suit, man. Yeah, you're the one who has to fucking go to your god damn arcade. But I love it because Casey's just like, I don't care. I'll go wherever you go. I'm a very desperately lonely character. In fact, every time we stop and ask me about something, the only thing I mention is that my stepfather hates me. So I'll join your religion, my parents or Baptist or whatever, but I'm your religion now, whatever you say, Luke, I love you.

We eat chips. Can you burp me, please? And then we have the most useless scene in a movie filled with useless scenes. This is the one where mom comes in to tell Luke that he's off restriction now. The mother son porn, we've all been waiting for. Well, she absolutely comes in the room like she's about to seduce him. Yep. And he was clearly watching porn at that exact. He's like, I was a bunch of porn of you. I was like, we're different ages. You're not younger than me. There's a different reason why I was laying in my bed with my covers pulled up to my chest on my laptop

and you could only see one of my hands. Different, entirely different reason. I like to be cozy when I study. Yeah. And that's that whole scene. That was, that's that's the scene. Important. Mom says finish up and get some sleep.

She understood what was that? She's staring at us. She looks at me. Okay. So then we get yet another goddamn surfing montage. And it's again, it's like like surfing is kind of boring to look at when it's good and this isn't good. So it's more of that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm counting. I'm counting this as number two and number three. First, I was like, okay, surf, montage number two. And then it lasted for way too long. I think that's number three.

I forgot to count one from before where they surfed each other hard. Yeah, that's three. That's fair. Yeah, this is one and a half. The other one was a half one. Yeah, right. So and now we, we had we come out of that montage. We're back at church youth group. Oh, god, this is so stupid. This is so good. It starts out with shins and so how many of you have ever done something that you may regret? I'm like, wow, like do they're doing something they're going to regret right now. One kid doesn't raise his hand. Nope. I've nailed it this entire time. Don't blow this for me. Have you, have you, you're talking to me, you're wrapping with me right now.

But then his next question is, okay, hands down. Who wishes they could undo those regrets? And everybody's like, that's, okay man, that's literally the definition of a regret. That's what it's worth. That's what's worth me. No, everybody does not raise their hand. There's some, a few kids are like, I mean, I killed that man,

but it made me who I am today. You know what I'm saying? And then he's like, he picks up a banana and we all got excited, right? Like he picks up a banana. He's like, let me make a banana related analogy and we're just salivating. Nope.

Yep. Yeah. But I, okay, I can't say it's dumber than the Ray Comfort thing because, you know, he's the fucking Wyatt herb of Touchable, but he gives it to Casey and he's like Casey opened the banana and he did that thing where you poke a pin Into a banana and you smush it around so that when someone opens it it's cut into pieces. Yeah, and he's like our lives without Christ It's like a pre-cut banana. And everyone's like,

I mean, your hot man saw a pretend that you said something, but that's nothing. That's right. I need you to know that was nothing. Well, my favorite aspect of this, by the way, is that they were too lazy to cut, because you're supposed to do little slices, right? You open it up and the banana is sliced.

All they did was cut it into like three chunks, because fuck this movie. They're like, oh, this is really it into like three chunks because it's fucking smooth. It's like, oh, this is really hard. You got to wiggle it around a lot. And that was the best they had. So it dissolves into a preaching mantra. Yes. Right.

Yeah, exactly where we can hear it. It's just a crappy music again and stuff. Whatever they had after that was worse than pre-cut banana. Wow. Wow. Wow, that's terrifying to think about. The important thing is that Casey is sure like in this Jesus stuff. And then I guess they've listened to enough

of that crap to get their tokens. So we head over to boomers and we have a little like having fun at the arcade montage. With a serving montage in there too. There is actually there was. There was. Yeah, right. Apparently according to this movie's timeline, they got done with the youth thing.

They're like, okay, let's go surfing real quick. And then let's come back to where we already are and play in the R.K. Let's all watch some surfing videos that are really bad for like 37. Yeah, right. The arcade. There's go carts at this arcade. And I got bored because this movie's boring. And I was like, God,

I would be terrified to do go carts with either Noah. The crash would be inevitable and deadly. Yeah, somebody, I don't think they know we would die. But I don't think it would involve me or Noah crashing. Oh, so there's a great moment where Emily and Luke are playing DDR and Emily clearly goes for the double high five But Luke does it notice and they leave it in the move not only do they leave it in the fucking movie But they do it in slow motion in the movie Slow motion missed Yeah, slow motion with no second. Yeah. Oh Spurned high five in hide a slow

But it's amazing. Oh, and okay, so this all wraps up and Emily and Jessica They're heading over to get pizza the youth groups head nobody get pizza and they invite Casey and Luke along, right? Yep, so Luke and Casey are driving over a Casey just got his driver's license today So they're having like a monsoon mono discussion about the importance of love interests in Jesus. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe You know how I was telling you my mom's boyfriend kind of sucks. And that's why I'm an atheist. Remember when I said that? Yeah, I do remember that case. Yeah. But you know what? I think I'm pretty serious about Jesus now.

I think everything in my life is going really well. Super happy about everything. Everything's going fantastic. Nothing's gonna go wrong in my life. I can't imagine nobody would jump in right now and interject with like some sort of thing. Hey, truck smash. There it is. There it is.

She's, I laughed so fucking hard. I laughed really hard. So they did that thing. I don't remember what movie did it first, but ever since then every goddamn car accident is this like where the one character's looking at the other and you see the truck coming in his window, right? But it makes no sense in this instance because they're parked. So he would have to be parked sideways on a turn bike for a semi to be coming that fast directly out

of this. This is not how accidents were or a semi was trying to drift into the parking lot of a David. So when we make God off of movies, the movie, one of two things has to happen. Someone has to have that conversation while expecting to get hit by a truck and then not or we defeat the villain by having him sit in a car and say about how happy he is. And a truck just hits it for nowhere. I like that one. All right, so- You should move me.

Works every time. So yeah, they have this terrible car license. We cut to the hospital where dad looks mildly inconvenienced about all of it. Okay, whatever direction this dad got with the talk to the doctor. We ended on casual chat. Yes. Well, they clearly tried to do some amount of like doctor talking and it went terribly. So there was like cut on the audio. This is nothing.

Right. Right. So he wanders into the hospital room where mom is reading from a different bifone now. Yeah. Her travel Bible. Exactly. I like how he like resolves their marriage plot thread real quick. I'm not a parent bifold now. Yeah, her travel Bible. Exactly. I like how he resolves their marriage plot thread real quick.

He's like, honey, I think this is what the movie's about now. So I'm sorry and our marriage is fine. Yeah, right. I promised that our marriage is fixed now. And she's like, oh, great. So he wakes up, Luke wakes up. And they're like, good news. You're doing great.

You're going to be fine. And he's like, wow, that's awesome. House Casey. And they're like, why don You're doing great. You're gonna be fine. And he's like wow, that's awesome house house Casey and they're like why don't you go back to sleep? No, no, just you know tell me how he's doing. It's weird that you I feel like you're dodging Crazy No, no, you guys please please tell me about my friend You've been watching mayor of East town. You want to sow the body? I'm thinking about buying a yacht I wanted that to keep going for night

Yeah, he's finally they're like he didn't make it son and Lucas, like, what are you talking about? Where is he? Does he not know about adding or death? I mean, what the hell? Where is he from? Yeah, he's like, liar. And I wanted dad to be like, yeah, weird prank, he's in the bathroom.

Casey comes out. Yeah. He's like, no, he isn't dead. You're liking me. That's such a weird line, but I'm pretty sure it's there because somebody told these writers that did not know was the first stage of grief. And that's what they thought line but i'm pretty sure it's there because somebody told these writers that did not almost the first age of grief and that's what they thought they meant

uh... uh... is it is not no because i have bracelets on in his death bouts of off of them uh... all right well i'll tell you what i feel like we finally have a sense of what they think this movie's about at least and at that burns us another break but first let me give act to the hard so will look when at the surf try out thing will amily find a personality trade in time

is there a more annoying potential category than evangelist surfer find out the answers to these questions and more will be returned for the almost entirely random conclusion of cut back. And then when he reaches down for the bill, y'all, yeah, yeah, we'll show him a trap. Exactly. Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, Eli, Heath and I are tired of all the small print and catches in the contracts over at big wireless.

So we called one of the reps over to collect the bill. And when he does, you know, you're going to, you know, exactly. I had said you know, earlier, but that was me first, by the way, know it stole my, you know, but yes, guys, guys, if you're tired of lousy cell phone bills, why don't you just try Mint mobile? What's Mint mobile? Mint mobile offers premium wireless service, starting at just 15 bucks a month, 15 dollars a month. There's gotta be a catch to that. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they're the first company to sell wireless service

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All right, Eli, we're sold. I guess this means we should cut down the guy who checks the meter too, huh? No, we'll leave him up for a while. Tell him to get smart bulbs, right? You get smart bulbs. You get smart bulbs. You do it. Your job should, you should have smart,

you guys have smart bulbs. Put you up there with it. Hey guys, I'm Pastor Mikey, but you can just call me Mikey. Let me just turn this chair around and have a seat. Just like you guys. But none of us are sitting like that. Totally, totally.

You guys can though, if you want. We're just wrapping here. Just wrapping with Pastor Mikey. Do you mean actually wrapping? No, I mean, chatting, like we're talking. No, you're talking. Let's just see you. Okay, all right, you know what?

So who can tell me what sin is? It's bad stuff. Bad stuff, toots, toots, toots, toots. What kind of bad stuff though, guys? Oh, okay, like, for example, lying to your mom and dad. Totally. Yes. Great example. Eating too many chips. No, Nick, not that. That's a bad answer. And I'm grateful the fires of hell will cleanse your consciousness from existence. Okay, I have another one staying out late. Exactly. Those are great examples, guys. We're really wrapping here now.

Did anyone have a question? You're wearing short shorts and I can see your testicles because of the way you're sitting. Not a question, but thank you, Michelle. Are these supposed to look like that? No, they are not. I had a wood shop accident.

Rose. Your crust, Nick. Your soul is gross. You're gross. You're gross. You're gross. soul is gross. And we're back for yet more of this shit we're going to rejoin our hero at the cemetery having himself a moap. Apparently this is right after the funeral but they couldn't like get a group of people together in black suits on their budget so we just have to like figure that out in retrospect. Oh that's definitely what happened. Good point.

So all we get is Luke just sad by a tree and Emily walks up and she's like, Hey, you walk away to stand by the tree. Yeah. My parents are right there waiting. They're just like, right, you're waiting for my tree mob. That'd be done. Yeah. She says, I don't think I'll ever get used to this place. The graveyard?

Right. Why would she get used to it? It doesn't. No matter how many people I kill, yeah. And of course Luke's line here, so dumb, he's like, Casey, never got to surf. It's like, dude, he was terrified of the 100 more years he wouldn't have a chance to surf. It's like dude, he was terrified of that, a hundred more years he wouldn't have a chance to surf. He was terrified of that shit.

Why didn't you do something that he liked for a day? I never forced him to do the thing he didn't want to do, and I'll always regret that. Yeah. This is also where Emily gives us like the evil moment of the movie. Oh yeah. She's like, dude, fucking calm down. It's cool. This is God where Emily gives us like the evil moment of the movie. Oh, yeah, she's like dude fucking calm down

It's it's cool. This is God's plan. You're being a baby about it. Yep, and looks like okay cool cool cool Just I just want to be clear what you just said You're saying God gave Casey a driver's license for one day and then killed him with a truck as a prank plan. That's that's his plan. Yes. Yes. Yep. And yes. Yeah. No, I wrote my notes. I'm like, wow. Christianity is some kind of shit when you say the tenets of the religion out loud. God knows what's best for us. And he's, yeah. God knows what's best for us. And he's like, Casey Dying is what's best for us.

Yup. Yes. And keep in mind, Emily is just having this conversation. She's like, you know, I know eventually you're going to be tempted to think that like your friend Dying was a bad thing, but I want to explain ahead of time. Like, it's not like she's answering some, you know, theological question that he asked her. She's just coming up and going like, all right, I just want to make sure you're not going to be a dick about this. Yeah. I don't want you to take your friends

death the wrong way the day of his funeral for the hour of his, they're at the fucking funeral. Yep. And he gets mad at her for this reasonably. Yeah. And her response is, you think you're the only person who knows someone who died, which is unrelated. Right, it doesn't make it a better plan because her dad also died. Yeah, okay.

This is where she's like, well, my dad died. Go fuck yourself. And he's like, okay, that's not how the dad card works. Everybody knows how to do it. How you play that card, fucking idiot. Also, if anything, that makes it a worse plan. Right, well, but she's like, but after my dad died, I was real sad,

but eventually I realized that he only killed my dad so that I would move here and meet you. Yeah. Meet you, they went to DNB once yeah right they haven't met they're not married like what the fuck yeah I feel like that would be an awkward combo with dad and God where where am I what is this hello there Steve, Steve. Oh, God? Are you God?

Am I dead? I'm afraid so, Steve, but fear not. It was all part of my divine plan. Oh, it was? Yes. Because of your death, Steve Luke will finally surf. Surf? Okay, but sorry, who's Luke?

Oh, right, you didn't meet him. He's your daughter's church group boyfriend. And he's gonna surf. Yeah, like professionally. So, you know, had to go. Sorry, sorry. So, in order for Luke, who I've never met to surf, you needed me to fall into that lion cage at the zoo and die. Well, I, I mean, no, I didn't have to have you fall into the lion cage.

Right, yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. You could have like, I don't know, given him the confidence to surf on his own. Totally killing me. Yep, could have done that. Yes. But, but the lion thing is pretty funny. You got to admit. Okay, no, it was. It was funny. When they beat you on the ass.

Right in the ass. Yeah, they did bumping the ass. Why would they start there? Right, first thing, you'd figure like, you know, arm leg, right? Neck. Face. Ass.

right? Nick? Face? Ass. And then to finish this thing, she says, you know, I opened the Bible and the first thing I read was Proverbs 35, which for those of you don't remember is to try not to think about it too much. Yep, the Bible. Right. And the CNNs with Luke being like, all right, feels like there's a lot of pressure now to be worth your dead dad. Right.

Jesus, I'm going to take off. You're crazy. We need an heavy pet yet. I feel like this is a world. Can we get you out of the movie like the antagonist? You're the antagonist now, but I want you out too now. Yeah, apropos. Nothing.

What do you think the basis are? Yeah, working with the good ones. All right. So and then we cut to Luke at work. This is so fucking stupid. He's at work the day his friend died. His boss comes up. He's like, hey, man, did you go to like your friend's funeral

earlier today? He's like, yeah, I had to change out of my suit in the bathroom. He's like, yeah, you can have the day off. No, I need this job. Well, yeah, well, welcome to Frankus. The boss doesn't even say you can have the day off. The boss is like, you're on leave now. And it looks like, no, I need the money though.

And he's like, nope. Well, right. You're on leave. Right. Like, how American is this? Keep in mind the boss isn't offering to pay him for this time up. The favor is just not making him work the evening of his best friend's funeral. Oh, see, I really wanted him to make him work. He's like, and also we need you to be in the big mouse costume today. wanted him to make him work. He's like, and also we need you to be in the big mouse costume today. Okay. What's up? Okay. I'm Casey the cup.

Oh, God. I've got the character's name is Casey. It's just a bunch of selfies with a weeping mouse. Honestly, if Chuck and cheese wants to win back my business after learning, get me find me a morning employee. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, all right. So then we had to school where Matt's gonna come up to him and go like,

so I can't help it. Notice that you are down one best friend. Oh, too soon. Too soon. Oh, no, no, I do. All right. So we're still, are we still rivals? Still rivals.

And then he has a moping montage, a beach moping montage. Yeah, he sadly looks at the ocean while holding a surfboard. Yeah, this is actually impressive. It's a not surfing montage. There's a montage of the main character not surfing. Yeah. And I'm counting that as number five. Well, sure, sure.

He has like a memory slash a vision of Casey. I just wrote in my notes, do you guys promise to stand on a beach imagining me doing stuff I never did when I die? You have to. Okay. Oh, better than that. Eli, we're going to CGI you in there playing with a baby and then we're going to stand there and talk about how much we love and miss you. Yeah, even better, even better. So yeah, so he looks at ghost Casey for a while. Has this amazing like flashback to all the different scenes that him and Casey were in. And I'm just like, you know, you guys could have filmed scene specifically for this.

You knew this was coming. It was really sad. Like they had a really hard time making a montage about one of their main characters. They included the ship eating failure. That's how bad it was. Yep, yep, exactly. Yeah. Guys, you'll have a better montage of me than all the times it made you stop places so I

can poop right? You won't just have a me needing to poop montage even though literally as we were going to stop. So in the universe of this movie, he's at the grave of Casey and he's like, oh man, okay, I did like a 20 second montage of you in my head just now. That's all I got. Okay. Yeah. And then okay, so before he leaves, he lays an ugly dolls key chain on the grave. This thing has not been introduced into the movie at any point. Okay. I, on my second, Casey was wearing, Casey was wearing it in an earlier scene,

but he never mentioned that we don't know why Luke would have it. It's very strange. Christ. Did he pull it out of the flaming wreckage? Yeah. The only other option was for him to sprinkle some chips on his grave. So the ugly doll, leave a Capriage. Yeah, the only other option was for him to sprinkle some chips on his grave. So that would be like, we don't leave a Capri Sun. Yeah. So, okay. And then, but see that, so we, I already came up with a better thing. Leave him a fucking Capri Sun. That would have been so much better. Okay. So much better. It's just upside down with the straw going into the next thing.

Like an IV. yeah. All right. So then Luke goes skateboarding to really shitty music. Oh, yeah. If a movie is just montages, at a certain point, you get to stop calling it a movie, right? Yeah, you sure do. I'm counting this as 5.5. Okay.

It's a skateboarding montage. I'm giving it a half though. Chart. Especially with the music being like, very clearly, then being like, all right, we want to do like a Simon and Garfunkel thing, but it sounds like Simon and Garfunkel doing a skateboarding montage at fucking gunpoint and revised. Yeah. It's so bad.

Yeah, all the music is just fucking grating. Also, he shows up at the end of this montage and sees Pastor Shane with his surfboard. So I'm thinking that counts as the other halfs. And now we're at six. Okay. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, because Pastor Shane is very clearly like wrapping up his surfing. And I want to talk about this conversation with Pastor Shane. As we're going to learn later in the movie, Pastor Shane was a professional surfer, got in a car accident with his best friend and his best friend died. Pastor Shane experienced the plot of this fucking movie. And yet when he comes up to Luke, he's like,

yeah, sorry, your friend died, it sucks. Berah. Well, yeah, so yeah, he's super quiet about, and he goes, you know, I lost a friend once. Let me tell you, the pain never goes away. And of course, I'm like, well, that's weird because your job is telling people to death is a gateway to eternal paradise and being sad about losing someone as proof that you

don't believe any of that. So, uh, yeah, odd, yeah. Imagine being this bad at comforting the grieving as a pastor. You have truly one job. What might argue molesting children is a second job, but you just have to lie in this moment, right? And it's a bronze age lie. It is literally like, oh, your friend died.

No, he didn't. Yeah. Right. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not.

He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. it down for you. And I love this conversation in every way because Luke just as a certain point just starts prompting Shane with the opening line of chick tracks, right? He's like, but if I died today, do I even know where I would go? Am I a bad person? Do I know the real dangers of dungeons and dragons? It's the conversation that every youth pastor dreams of. Oh, at one point Luke is like, okay, but I wish like maybe I had died instead, instead

of Casey. And I wanted the pastor to be like, yeah, but that would, that would fuck up God's plan for killing Emily's dad so she could find you. Yeah. She wasn't going to date Casey. So I didn't want to do that. I mean, see that kid. that would really convolut the plan. Yeah. I did do. This is also where he justifies the name of the movie.

He's like, no, man, except in Christ into your life is like the ultimate cut back on a wave. And Luke is like, how? And he's like, she turned around in a cut back you are going in one way and then you're going a different way. And is it's like that that The name of the movie that's the limit of the analogy and they named the fucking movie after it It's so I Also, I have to explain this to the movie makers in hopes that they're listening along. Okay. There's a point here where Luke says

Well, you know Casey accepted Jesus, like three seconds before he died. So I know he's in heaven, but I don't know where I'm going to go. And I'm like, okay, Christians, I don't understand why this is complicated for you. If you believe in Christian heaven, you are a Christian. Yeah. Right. There are exactly zero people in the entire universe that believe you guys are right about

the afterlife, but don't share your religion out of spite. There's the it is. Right. Separate circles guys. It's not a Venn diagram. This is very important. Okay, I know there was like a big scene here, but I missed all of it because I was just like writing down things I liked about this pastor's physical beard. I can see that. I took me to do it through.

True. Do it through. Why? There was a chin especially. It's chiseled and perfectly rounded. How is that possible? Yeah. Right.

He's geometrically impossibly attractive. Yeah. Contradiction in terms impossibly attractive. He looks like he's going gonna walk up to you at Amber Crombie and tell you you look good in an outfit. You don't look good in. And then you're gonna walk out and your friends are gonna be like, what the fuck are you wearing?

You're like, damn it, Pastor Steve, whatever you're wearing. I thought this upside down rimless hat looked good on me. I touched his stubble. What? But the, the jeans shorts are pre-fraid. Stupid. Stupid. Oh God, no, this leads to my favorite sentence in all of his snow.

Yeah, I realized after this episode, I was like, oh man, you give like a really long god speech that I missed because I was looking at his impossible chin. I'm not going back for it. Yeah. I'm not going back for it. Yeah. All right. So we head back home to check on mom and dad. Dad is a changed man because he made that promise in that other scene. That that plot thread is resolved now.

He called backsees in the hospital scene. So they're fine now. Exactly. Luke is skateboarding home through the sunset. Go ahead and set skateboarding as a dumb way to get around. Sorry. 6.5, by the way. I think a shitty band just follows him around. That would make a sense on the giant skateboard. Yep. So yes, so Luke shows up late for dinner, but dad doesn't yell at him this time because you know, the Jesus and stuff and this time Luke wants to say grace

Oh, and he says the fuck out of that grace. Let me tell you boy done does he he's I Wrote down dear Jesus. Thanks for killing Casey. He was kind of holding me back Oh also, hey, no, I'm thankful for one of the thing Lord. Thank you for killing Emily's dad. That's a sweet plan. Right. Go on, mate. Got it with me. I had my doubts at first. But every time this scene comes up and someone's like, oh my God, that grace was so amazing.

I'm just like, man, being a Christian would be so fucking easy. Yeah. And so much more money. And profitable. Yeah. Just a reminder, it's still matrion. Matrion. matrion. Everybody. Matrion.

M-A-Y as in the month May, get it May, three on. Oh, and this part is obviously the fucking, this is the money shot for the Christian grainy porn, right? Where he's like, and I want to apologize to my mom and dad for being so rebellious and not appreciating all the hard work they did to Christianize me, that part, right? Yeah, absolutely. Also, just a tiny note, they left the camera on during the fading away small talk.

So we get way too long after the end of the scene where she's like, so how was school? Yeah, you know, the way the way I know. Is it so good? And then, he's like, good food. So ridiculous. Oh, and then of course we have to have the making up with Emily seen apparently. So like he runs into her at the pizza place and she says, hey, and he says, hey, so we know there's another scene on. Yeah, he says, hey, hey, hey, what did you order here? And she's like, pizza, we ordered pizza.

That's all you have. Cool. Cool. Cool. And then he apologizes. He says, I'm sorry. I was mean about you saying my dead friend is a good thing.

Yep. And she says, it's okay, I forgive you. Yeah, I was furious. I want to point out that Jessica, our favorite friend and the best person in the movie, she leaves so they can have this one-on-one scene. She goes, I'm going to go get crushed red peppers, not red peppers. She's going to get crushed red peppers because she's an asshole. Yeah, right.

I don't, I'm not going to get graded parmesan. It's just, it's parm. It's, we know what kind of, we know you're not going to get whole red peppers to put on your fucking pizza. Okay. I sometimes will get a wheel of parmesan. Well, that's fair. You know what that's fair.

Like, you would have to specify that. But to be fair, you announce I'm going to go get a wheel of parmesan next door. Sometimes I already have it. So yeah, no, but he's just a officer. Jessica, like a begs off. He's like, Hey, can we have a conversation? She's like anything to shut up this goddamn background music.

Sure. He says, can you forgive me? She says, yeah. So I'm like, Oh my God, it's so lazy. He's like, Oh, shit. Do we, do we not have a plot again? I feel like we don't have a plot again. God damn crap How much time is left in the movie? Too fucking long, man. Yeah, yeah, he's like, oh, so hey, I wouldn't let you know you were right about all this God stuff

And he says anti-quote. I was lost after the accident and then God gave me a piece piece of piece what yeah Are you talking about Emily or? Chips All right, so yeah, so he's got a head off to the surf shop Emily shows back up with a red pepper and she's like Wow, that was a real lazy wrap up to you guys' conflict. You did. You had nothing else, huh? The movie's over though, right?

We're not just gonna go for another 20 minutes about fucking, oh, we are still okay. No, it's still, oh wow, okay. Hey, I thought you were gonna bring a whole red pepper. I would like that. Can you go back? So yeah, so Luke goes to the surf shop, the guy from the beginning of the movie

that he delivered the pieces to remember him. Is that not? Nat. Okay. Thank you. I never did catch that. Yeah. So Nat is super stoked that Luke is all Christianized now.

It's like, man, I was sure you were going to end up being a filthy, fucking Muslim, but you're my religion. That's great. I too am a Christian. And he's like, why wouldn't you have mentioned that? And he's like, why would I have mentioned that? You were shopping at my surfboard store. Well, there's also this incredibly bigoted line here,

right? I don't think of course that the writer's realist, where he's like, oh, wow, I never realized your Christian and the guy's like, oh, wow, I should try harder. I should be a better Christian. Like as though you're going to notice a person is Christian because of how much better than everyone else they are, right? Right. Clearly the implication or that it needs to work it into his board wax sales, just like, oh,

you know, this will be fine for like cold weather or hot weather. Hey, do you know where you're going when you die? Okay, you're leaving. You're a good person. Sorry. No, I'm never here. And this is also where he does the weird exposition dump about Shane. He was like, yeah, apropos of literally nothing we've been talking about. Yep. The plot of this movie

reminds me of the plot of Pastor Shane's movie that we didn't see. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, yeah, I don't know if you know this but Pastor Shane was almost a professional surfer and then he got into a car accident Where his but you know, dude, this is exactly what happened to you word for word What are the odds? Right a car accident ruined pastor Shane's surfing career and there's a long pause and that's like no, but in a good way is I Okay, yeah, right because sometimes you're going one way and then God's like, nope, you're going another way, motherfucker. Need you to come in on Saturday.

But in a good way. In a good way. I'm not doing this well. All right. So now Matt shows up to hay himself into another fucking scene. This time at the school library, he's like, hey, your your friends been dead long enough for me to talk shit about the surfing competition now, right? It's been a couple days.

Yeah, huh? Okay. Remember me, surf enemy. You have literally nothing this movie could be about except me now, my friends. Yeah. And Emily sits down and I'm like, Wait, weren't we just in a fucking scene with the two of them where they had nothing to say? Do we really, we really need another scene?

But we do. He has to invite her to his surf tryout. Okay. And again, it's way too early. He's like, you should come to my surf tryout. It's at 7 a.m. My friends, if my newborn son's first sentence was, will you meet me at the beach at 7 a.m. I'd be like,

afternoon afternoon. What are the other slots? Yeah, exactly. I'll bring cups. But he says to Emily, will you come to my surf tryout at 7 a.m. and she says, are you asking me to come? And he's like, what? Yes. Is that the bell?

I mean, get to that. Do you regret any of your regrets? What's wrong with the dialogue? And then we get the greatest exit to a scene that's ever happened. He's like, yeah, I literally just asked you. That was an interrogative. And yes, it was. Yep, I asked you.

She says, okay, he says awesome. Great. Good. Good. By. It's so dumb. Cut. Cut. Cut. So, okay. So the next morning, Luke's heading out to the big surf tryout and darn it, mom and dad are up so early because they're going to go cheer him on at the tryout. Which is, it was just fucking weird right because it's a tryout. If it was a competition, that would make sense, but it's a fucking tryout. Yeah, anyway.

All I wanted at this moment was for dad to get murdered on the job. That's all I was asked for. Because then, you know, they would move to a different town and then like, Emily's mom would have to die so she could go live with her like, aunt and uncle in the new town. Right right. Yeah, I wanted a whole farm. Gade of God having to fix his own ship with more murdering.

All right, so he heads out for the trial and pastor Shane showed up for his big surf off and so did Emily and you were there anti-M and you were there. Yeah. Yeah, we get a montage you were there. Yeah. Yeah. We get a montage of driving to the right. We do. Yeah. So half point seven. We're at seven now.

I love during that montage. I guess in post, they felt like it was just a little too boring to watch them drive for a while. So we get dad going, are you excited about your big try out and the kid going, yep. Nailing it. Nailing it. Good food earlier. And then we arrive at the surfing montage again. This is number eight. Yep. And look. So at this point, we have been building up this goddamn surf tryout the entire time. That's essentially what the movie's been about. It is a 36 second montage that is indistinguishable from the other. I'm sorry, how many of we watched at this point? Heath,

we are at eight. All right. So it's now indistinguishable from the other seven. There's never a moment where we know which of like is that supposed to be Matt surfing or is it because ever, of course, all this surfing is way in the distance or silhouetted or necked down, right? So we never know who's surfing. We never know who did better or nothing like that. We watched 36 seconds of it. At one point somebody almost lands this cool little 180. It might as well be Mormon bubble porn of surfing. Yes. And then it's fucking over and suddenly we cut the Luke delivering pizzas to that surf shop again. Yeah, we drive away from the surfing monta. Oh, you're right.

We do. Oh, yeah, fair. So, yeah, so he brings the pizza into the surf shop where apparently they're celebrating who won the try out and it ate fucking Luke or is it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because they both know that they're going to have two extra team slots because why? Why? I had no investment in surf enemy also getting it.

They both made the team. They managed to deflate the already, I think, thrice deflated plot again. Yeah. Ultimately, they're just nothing murdering these plot. The only way they could lower the stakes further is if when surf shop owner starts talking he's like, anyways, I'm dissolving the surf team. Well, yeah, so he brings all the pizza and he's like, so this is pizza for the entire surf team.

Luke, why don't you grab yourself a slice? You're on the team. Now, do they give him a t-shirt? They sent him down and I'm like, he's that fucking work. Right? He does. It's just one of his deliveries. He's got other deliveries. You can't just sit there and be part of your meeting now.

All right. I have a surf meeting later. So if coincidentally, they order pizzas to that meeting, I'll do that the last 48 seconds of my shift. So I coincidentally, they order pizzas to that meeting, I'll do that the last 48 seconds of my shift. So I just, I won't clock out on just go. Jesus. Okay. So and then we wrap everything up. And this scene, honestly, and 90% of movies I would skip it, right? This is just a scene where Emily and Luke are walking along the beach together and their conversation eventually fades out. The credits roll over it. And they have this just banal conversation

about like so are we an item now? Yes, we're an item. Are you going to college? Yes, I'm going to the same college, right? We have that. Mm hmm. Right. At one point, they have a point they're too far away to mic though. They like, yes, down beach too far away. So they have to switch to ADR and it's fucking jarring. Yes. And we're watching their mouths moving all wrong at this point. Just haven't walking away. So I can't see their mouth. Yep. But, but we don't skip this scene for one very important reason. Yes. They're little back and forward for thingy. Yeah. So at the end of this whole thing, when they get too far away, they run out of dialogue, they start to do this, like, they try to do this flirt wrestle, but it's so awkward because they hate each other's

guts. They have zero chemistry. They worked at the concentrate. Caution Tricks. You can cap together. And neither of them is willing to get wet. Yes. Exactly. So like he pushes her slightly towards the water, but he steadies her as he lets her go so that she won't get wet. And then she runs after him, but like he doesn't run away. So there's just this awkward hop and then she stops running.

It's just like a minute of like too hard, too hard. Oh, okay. One point, he goes to like kick some dirt at her like kick some wet sand at her. He's like, that would be an asshole thing to do. I should do that. It's just watching. It's like we're physically watching them not have chemistry. So ellipses the closing montage. Yeah, exactly. And I guess that's going gonna do it for a review of cutback we made it but it's not going to do for the episode just yet because we still need to tell you about a movie that we might be watching next week we're not a hundred percent on this bit we're gonna go with it anyway so Eli tell us what's on deck so fees show hotel hotel. We'll be watching the third episode of Suns of Thunder. Oh, a lucky bastard.

All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to be episode three, oh, one to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors and help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god off. I'm in there by your early access to an every version of every episode. It's a matrion.

You should really do that. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows. and take care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and people dressed on Mars, all of them. It was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heath and right Neely Bosnick. I'm no illusions promised to work harder another truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Emily started seeing someone else at college. So God murdered him with a truck. He's gotta keep the plan going. The surf team disbanded when they realized that surfing is not a team sport. Pastor Shane, if you're listening, I could be reached at God awful movies that she never comes home.

I'll do some weird shit for you, Pastor Shane. His name is Dan. Danny. Hear me out. He will dress on Mars. I have an affliction shirt. Hahaha! What do you taste like? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and A Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021,

all rights reserved.