God Awful Movies - 304: The Conjuring 3: The Devil Made Me Do It

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

This week, Andrew Torrez joins the guys for an atheist review of The Conjuring 3: The Devil Made Me Do It, the story of how, if anything, we didn't panic enough about Satanism back in the eighties. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ Hear more from Andrew on Opening Arguments or Clean Up On Aisle 45

Doesn't it seem like the Satanist witch would just grab that when she's done like you think right okay? You have to put it right under there, but then go get it you were able to put it there so go get it I'll just make another total it'll be easier that way keep it on a string and you don't even have to crawl under there again You hate it when people leave a dirty workspace. Don't you just oh's just, oh, it's the worst. Who closed? Who's the way too close last night? This fucking time is this virgin blood. It's all over the workstation. This looks terrible. Now there's fruit flies Not awful movie Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be Popscare! Yeah, good one. And Popscare podcast. We also have veteran maskist and protege of Alan Dershwitz, Andrew. Andrew, welcome back.

Yeah. Thanks, Heath. That's right. Alan Dershwitz, seriously, 100% taught me everything I know about criminal law. And I am bringing that majestic knowledge to your ear holes here today. I don't think Andrew's exaggerating. I think he's, you're, yeah, you really did learn. Oh, yeah, that's absolutely.

Now I want to watch Alan Dershowitz defend a doll. We're getting close. Yeah, right. All right. Well, let's get right into it. Andrew, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched the conjuring the devil made me do it. Andrew, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched the conjuring, the devil made me do it. It's the story of a kid who murdered his drunk ass landlord for

hitting on his girlfriend. Or is it? No, no, it is. It's also about a gazebo to be fair. Yeah,ai, how bad was this movie? Well, if you thought the exorcism of Emily Rose was a fair and balanced legal trauma, but you're still waiting on that biopic of your hero, financial advisor, Bernie Madoff, you will love this movie. It sucks so much. It's real bad. Look, real bad. A lot of the movies we do are badly made.

A lot of the movies we do have bad ideas. It's rare that a movie is so well made by so many grownups and still sucks so much. It's it's all lying. The whole thing, it's they do not stop lying for two hours. This movie. It's all lying. The whole thing, it's they do not stop lying for two hours of this movie. It's so rough. So rough. All right. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to take the easy way out here and go best worst steaks. I mean, steaks of the moon. I don't mean, you know, like tasty meat props. There's no tasty.

Yeah. Yeah. Metaphorically or literally. No. I'm going to go with best worst demonstration of having magic powers. Oh, yes. I, we're going to get to the details of it,

but it's just absolute nonsense. One of the characters who is a liar is demonstrating to the police that she has magical powers. And the police come up with the dumbest demonstration test for her. You can think of, think of something dumb. This is Dumber. Yeah. If you have just thought of flip a coin, you thought of something slightly better than what the cops come up with in this movie. Only slightly, slightly, slightly, slightly, like 17 percentage points. Here's how bad at this movie is. I thought your best words was about the Satan witch who will have at

various times super speed, indestructibility, the ability to go through walls and how should you hit me with a rock? Well, yeah, that's all ridiculous, but the Satan which actually has those, this demonstration by the liar is just over the top. The Satan which is a great reason why you should always have a lawyer look over your conscience. Stink Witches powers are like Superman three levels of we could do that. Yeah, it's totally boggars. Yeah, they are a perfect combination of they can do that and they can't do that. Oh, I see.

I took the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst protagonists. And yes, I am aware that we have had movies where Kevin Sorbo was the protagonist. Look, the heroes of this movie all have real life corollaries. And they are, as Andrew mentioned, a guy who murdered his landlord and Ed and Lorraine Warren, two con men of the highest order. You would be hard pressed to find three people who suck more ass than the good guys in this movie. Yeah, I wouldn't call murder the guy a corollary.

That's the main plot of the real real story. I have an argument to the contrary, but we'll get to it. We will get to it. All right. Well, I think it's time for a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about the conjuring, the devil made me do it. And isn't it true that you are not, not, not, not the murderer? Not.

Yes. Gotcha. Damn, that's good. Yeah. I did. He say, hey, why are you guys in my office? Oh, we're practicing for when we're lawyers. What, when are you going to be lawyers?

As soon as there's a master class, what's master class? Come on. Seriously, Andrew? You guys made me adjudicate four subsections of this content. I hold another comment. I want it. This is ridiculous. Time.

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Otherwise, like buying and selling real estate from Robert Reffkin or sales and persuasion from Daniel Pink. I actually recently watched that one. And even though I sold stuff for almost a decade, I learned a ton. I thought it was a great class. Wow. I mean, that does sound good, but do you recommend that I try it out? I highly recommend you try it out.

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Yeah, no, we just did that one. Oh, that's a good one. 90% of loyering. Definitely duck. Get some every time. Okay, everyone. Welcome to the first writers' room meeting for the conjuring three. So what are we all thinking? Oh, okay, I got a good one. So what if in the movie Annabelle? Nope, Dave, Dave. Yeah, Dave, I'm gonna stop you right there. We are done with the doll. But people like the doll. I know people like the doll, Mitch, but we have used the doll. We have done all possible scary things with the doll. So unless you guys are about to pitch me on Annabelle fucking opening a stand at the

farmer's market with her gay lover in Des Moines, we are done with the doll. Okay, farmers markets aren't actually good for the environment. Nobody goes to them because they're good for the environment. They go so you can give money direct to farmers. Just inefficient guy guys, guys, you cannot have this farmers market fight at every meeting. All right. Look, okay, we agree the dollar's out.

I, there have to be other spooky events we can talk about, right? Did, did we do the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that. We did that one. Oh crap. Okay, like, it brings to me. What else is scary? Oh, like, I wanted Graveyard. What about that? Murder, murder, murder, scary. Oh, that's a murder. Yeah, I'm sure Ed and Lorraine were part of a murder or something, right? Kind of. One time a guy who lived near them killed his landlord and so they spent months making it about them in the press. Uh, well, uh, great. Uh, why, why don't we just pretend that that's something and we can make a movie about it. Yeah, that actually sounds pretty good. We can even add a villain instead of just. Nope, be murdered a guy. Yeah, murdered a guy, exactly.

Question? Yes. Are we going to be distributing this movie through theaters and retailers, or do you want to set up like a roadside stand for people to come get it like that? People like you are destroying the heart of this country, Dave, the heart and soul of the country. Okay. You're not even a vegan.

And we're back. And we're gonna start with an evil robot killing somebody in a wood chipper as the whole thing. A logo thing. Am I wrong? You are not wrong. Can we also mention that the background noise soundtrack

that's auto- auto tunes cicadas playing the tuba? Yup, yup. Yeah. Very true. All right. You know what? This is a perfect setup to this movie. Now I think that nine of those things are weird knowing what's going to happen now. Terrible and makes no sense. Exactly. So we're going to start the movie by reminding you that the protagonists of this movie sat there using their pretend magic powers while the priest tortured of mentally ill eight year old. So yeah, the first thing we're going to see. Yeah.

Right. There's a title card and it says July 18, 1981, Ed and Lorraine Warren were called to document the exorcism of David Glatzel. So that's what we're watching this little kid getting exercised by a priest and Ed and Lorraine Warren who are supposed to be the protagonists of this movie are filming that for their liar documentary, right? The child tortures.

Yeah. Document is a weird word when you're not, you know, conducting research to be published in a scientific journal. Like when you're just a guy, it means doing nothing and filming it. Yeah. Yeah. when you're just a guy, it means doing nothing and filming it. And the first thing they do when we actually see them on screen after the title card is take a break from their exorcism. Are you allowed to call a time out with Satan? Is that how it works? I love it. I feel like, yeah, all right. Yeah, we should probably stop for a second. The priest

actually says, my powers are too strong. This kid can't take my magic. Because it's too much for an extended period of time. So we'll take like a little water break, have some oranges, and then we'll get back to the exercises. And it's like a pregame. They're not even actually doing the full exercise. And yet they're like warming up and doingorcist yoga here. Everybody knows you have to stretch for 15 minutes before you can do the exercise. Some other watch, you know, you'll get a

cramp. It's all about breathing. And I was trying to pay attention to this part of the movie. They're like putting the kid to bed so you can get some rest before they exercise them some more. But I noticed that this kid had a light bright on the bedside table. And I was so distra, I wanted a light bright so bad. Yeah. Eli, I have to tell you, light brights are like basically one of only three or four in 1980s toys that held up. Like, I would play the fuck out of light bright right now. Like, and also, how do you play better special effects?

You, you, you put the little push pins in the black board. Yeah, it's great. Light bright. Oh you you put the little push pins in the black board. Yeah, it's great. Right. Right. Oh, you're done. Right. I can sing you the entire light bright song right now. Yeah, but I have no desire. I never wanted to play with. I don't understand it. It wasn't. I was a simple kid. It's it's not a sport. So I mean, that's because you probably grew up with a computer, but look like also that. Yeah. And a penis to masturbate. So there was a lot going on. Anyways, he's sitting there. I'm admiring the light, right? But Arnie, that's the sister's boyfriend, comes in and comforts him by saying, you know, child who's

going through an exorcism, I got bullied as a kid. So I know exactly what it's like to be possessed by the devil. Same as he's. Yep. And this kid is trying so hard to be cute in the same thing. He all but sings like, I love not being a demon. I love not being a demon. I'm adorable. See, there's nothing's going to happen to be in 18 seconds. Yep. Okay.

Honestly, this little kid is my favorite actor in the movie, favorite character. He's pretty great. Oh, yeah. And right here, he's like, hey, Arnie, lock it in. Fucking pop the question to my sister. You fucking coward. Let's go. Let's go.

I'm getting exercised over here. I might die because of a demon. Get fucking married man. Gather ye, Rose Buds, while you may have. Absolutely. So now we're going to introduce truly the main character of the movie, unnecessary pop scare. In this scene, it's going to be a door knocking pop scare. We all have essentially the same note right here, which is this movie invented

pop fully like it's so weird. But it's the priest and he's ready to do the exorcism. But before he can, the kid is going to go into the shower and get Satan. There's something something. This scene was so fucking dark. It was impossible to tell what was happening. Well, yes. So the kid hears a bunch of banging on his door of his room and he runs into the bathroom and hides in the shower and pulls the shower curtain and then there's like a demon puts his fingers over the top and then unsheathes a sword for a second. That the metal on metal scraping of the knife was like so jarring. It was incredibly weird, very uncomfortable.

But then that demon doesn't do anything with a sword that demon just as a prank apparently turns the shower on that had like a red blood packet in it. So that gets showered with blood as a prank by a demon. Very prank based demon for the first nine tenths of this movie. That was weird. But the parents come upstairs, right? And they do that thing that everyone does in a horror movie that no one should ever do in real life, which is the kid is like standing in shadow and they can barely see him and

they're like, my icon. Is that you? My icon. Let's stab. Right. It likes that. Exactly. Okay.

Way too fast. This little kid. I didn't like any of this movie, but I really didn't like I was genuinely scared. I have a lot of trouble with this sort of thing. I don't like it. He's too fast. It's uncomfortable. I don't like pop scares either. So I'm muted 99% of this movie because fun fact, pop scares don't work if the movie's muted because it's the sound that actually makes you jump. So it's just the kid being like, yeah. Oh, I'm going to start playing like 80s music like the rest of this movie did.

Absolutely. Yeah. You'll fucking get it. I learned something here today. Yeah. But the kid, he gets stabby for a second. They grab him. There's this great moment where Ed has the kid in like a headlock and he's like, father,

we need to speed up this exorcism. The kid's getting stabby. and he's like father. We need to speed up this exorcism. The kids getting stabby Yeah, and the father argues back the priest is like I don't know we were doing the pregame It's a whole thing. We need a classic white fucking now Stab me in the leg just now you didn't see how fast it was. We're doing the fucking exorcism forget the yoga man The priest goes let's drive him to the church. Why would you have come here if a part of that driving into the I would do a pick up and delivery service really great. And then we have I'm sorry, I had to comment on Ed carrying the like squirming demon child down the stairs where he's reaching out to like rake the walls and he is Wolverine the shit

out of the well, I mean, it is, he touches the wall and then in post production, someone adds Wolverine claw marks and MSP. Right. Exactly. It's amazing. It starts as the shape of an eraser and then it kind of gives the spray can. That a dull edge scratch. You put in the wall. I'm not just depressed. So they're exercising away and mid exorcism Lorraine has a psychic vision, which I should point out in real life means that this fucking bitch couldn't make it through a child torturing without making it about her. Right?

Lorraine Warren had to be like, wait, wait, wait, everyone stop torturing the child. I am special. I'd also question as somebody who is new to the conjuring series of movies, has Lorraine always been cast as uncanny Valley Sydney Powell or is that just very much? I haven't seen any of the other ones either, but I would imagine yes. Oh, so I have seen all of these. And the weird subplot that the Contering movies

have accidentally created because, I don't know, someone's granddaughter is allowed to take a last pass at the script is like, Ed's always like Lorraine, are you using your psychic powers again? And she's like, yeah, no, I got it. It's a Lucian Ethel dynamic that really throws off the whole series. I got to tell you.

And then the demon kicks the shit out of everybody. Oh my God. Okay. This movie is genuinely funny and doesn't realize it, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, this moment, this was the first of many times. This little kid, he's my favorite. He beats the shit out of room for adults. From on top of this table, he's doing like sweep the leg moves and just kicking people right in the face. So hard.

And they're just lying everywhere. I couldn't stop laughing at this point. So good. He also gives Ed Warren a heart attack at this point, which I just want to point out is historically true. Ed Warren did have a heart attack, but it was because he was a fat piece of shit and it didn't happen during any of their magic adventures. He was just sitting at home and had a heart attack. People have heart attacks. That's not generally magic. Yeah, but this is when the the inciting incident of the movie is going to happen. They're all exercising and Arnie is like don't take him take me. Can I just say why are people constantly offering themselves to ring exorcism right constantly like it's not necessary for an exorcism and yet in every exorcism movie at one point someone's like, would you consider moving it to me instead?

I don't know, that's like a free hero move in my head. I'm going to do that for sure because nothing's going to happen, but you look like you tried to save a little kid from something. Oh, you think he was bluffing and he just, he was like, ah, shit, demons are real. And it actually turns out they are real in this universe. Yeah, it's pretty funny. He's like, hey, buddy, David, little kid, just be cool. What if you, what if the demon kills me and it's coming to me? I'm fucking your sister. Come on, let the demon to me. So yeah, the demon jumps into Arnie very obviously.

I really wanted Ed to turn to everyone else in the room and be like, okay, so do we just start working on the guy who just got filled with a demon? I feel like we're all here, be weird, but no, no, they're gonna wait and see if he's an asymptomatic carrier of the devil. And that's the end of that scene. So now they're gonna slip us another title card, 10 minutes into the movie.

Yeah, okay, it says, the exorcism of eight year old, David Glatzel was meant to end the months of torment, but for Arnie Johnson, it was just the beginning. He's the sister's boyfriend. The tragic events that followed made nationwide headlines and led Ed and Lorraine Warren to the most sinister discovery of their career. And I'm curious, how many sinister discoveries they have? They've lied about a few, right? You don't rank the sinister discoveries in your life, yeah. How do you even rank whatever it doesn't matter? It also says based on a true story. Yes, yeah, speak as a lawyer, the word based does a lot of work in that sense.

lawyer, the word based does a lot of work in that sense. Yeah. So now it's barbecue time and love interest. Jesus, what was, what is this girl's name? Do we ever learn her fucking name in the movie? Not that I know of. Yeah. So girly McGirlface is gab and with her mom about Arnie wanting to leave their shit host small town.

Yeah. Nothing important is happening right now except one thing for me. Again, this movie is very funny. So I know what you mean. Arnie is about to go inside. He's playing with David. He's playing a little kid out in the yard and he's about to go inside and get the play to meet for the barbecue. And as he's walking away, David, this little kid hits Arnie in the face with the football. So fucking hard. I know, it's not like you, oh, it's a nerf football. I dinked it off your head. So he stabs him in the eye with the point of football.

So hard. It is truly the first stabbing murder of this movie. It's also very clearly not a kid who threw it, right? Like they had some fucking PA. They were like, yeah, just beating him in the skull bone with a football. But this is the first of the, and this is a thing with bad horror movies, right?

If your horror movie is about nothing, you've got to spend a tremendous amount of time with someone being like, that's weird, I guess I'll figure out what that was to slow, creepy music. And and in this case it's going to be a serial box You are not I think that's not for comedians. It is like the producers watched the first hour of poltergeist and we're like Yeah, okay, but is there something less interesting than chairs moving? Oh my god, yeah, they settled on a cereal box.

Serial. Yep. So he's staring at a box cereal. We went inside to get the meat. He looks over to the side. He sees a cereal box moving and he's like, yeah, that's kind of weird. I better go solve the issue of the moving cereal box in this horror movie. He walks in the other room, but it turns out it's a pop scare mouse and it's not a demon. Where is it? Yeah. And apparently he's one of those people who, when they see a mouse, just sort of follows it around the house like he's hoping to watch it fuck. Oh, okay.

I'm sorry. I got it. I get that. Both of you guys used to live in New York City, but like that's a fucking rat. That's like that is not a mouse, okay? I feel like living in New York City that helps us know whether it's a rat if it could carry a full eight slice pizza down a set of stairs. Otherwise it's a fucking mouse. Outside of New York City, that's a rat, okay?

And then so even though he just saw the mouse run in there, apparently the mouse's mouse hole is at eye level. It's fine. Even though he just saw the mouse run in there, he then presses his eyeball up to it like he's hoping for a mouse fucking peep show. Well, yeah, I was like, all right, man, don't it's, you just saw somehow a rat mouse like fly into the air and go into the wall in a hole at your human eye level. Yes, and I was like, okay, probably don't touch the mouse demon hole because it's the hole is like clearly possessed and there's like evil tarb dripping off of it. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to fondle this. I'm going to fondle this with my hand.

You know what? I'm going to put my eye right next to it now. this. I'm going to find this with my hand. You know what? I'm going to put my eye right next to it now. Like his dick was about to go into that hole. The 400% this pop. No question. Yeah. Yeah. The eyeball literally breaks the fourth wall. Yeah. Yeah. So then there's another pop scar. It's the spooky kid from before, but he imagined it or something. Wait, it was a kid. I, it's unclear if it's the witch or the kid. I thought it was just some older guy who pop, who's just behind him and then disappeared. I think that's the witch. I think that is the actress who's playing the witch. She is showing up in these pop scares early on. Okay. She dresses like a pilgrim maybe she does dress like a pilgrim. Yeah, she's like off to the side.

So let me spoil the movie now for a moment so that we can follow along with her insane fucking plan. The bad guy of this movie is a Satan witch. You know those Satan witches how common they are and the flash right. She's bothering this family. She first she cursed the kid. Now she's after this family. She first, she cursed the kid. Now she's after Arnie. And at this point, this movie wants us to believe that her plan is like, all right,

ready, Mick Radikens, you go into the cereal box. And then when he looks after you into your house, that's when I'll sort of stand behind him and be like, sup, but then I'll disappear. That's her plan at this point. She's going to slow roll this plan super, super, super like very deliberate, gonna build the pranks. It's gonna be nice and slow. She does Satan magic like that early phase of texting where you're not sure if someone wants to date her be friends, right? We're just like, maybe we could hang out. And they're like, yeah, me and my friends are going out later. And you're like, oh, what does that mean?

Satan, magic. Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Ed Lorraine are the ones who sold the rights to this book, damn it. So they're going to give some fucking screen time. This is where the priest checks on the rain. And she's, she's sleeping by Ed's bed. And I just want to say this weird opening monologue, he gives her of the like, you're spending too much time to your dying husband's bedside. Weird take. It's a weird take. And also can someone

explain the chronology of this movie? I like the picnic that very clearly had a like six months later vibe to it, right? But I guess they just, oh, yeah, an exorcism on Wednesday, picnic on Thursday. Like, it's bonkers. Yep. And then this, I can't believe I have to say this is going to matter. We learned about Ed and Lorraine Warren's first date. He worked at a movie theater.

She had a vagina. They went to a gazebo. Okay, but gazebo. They're so romantic. gazebo, they have a gazebo rain kiss. It's not a good story. It's, you're not a good story. It's like learning about Hitler's first date.

I enjoyed it. Okay. Now it makes, I feel like I have to withdraw what I was saying, but. But also again, temporally, right? Like Ed Lorraine are somewhere in their 40s in 1981. And this flashback is to when they're like, I don't know, 17. And it is set in, I swear to God, 1874. Right?

Absolutely. Like, Ed is a fucking carny but black. He's got the little like strap on hat. Like, what is this movie? She's wearing clothes from the 1950s at one was very confusing, very, very confusing. We only tell you this because there's going to be an amazing tie at the end.

Told you that. It all comes back together. Let me tell you. So now it's time to cut back over to Arnie, who I guess from that last scene, we're supposed to see like, oh, demons in him now. So now he's cutting branches off the tree with a chainsaw. Almanacene. Just using a chainsaw on a rope while I'm belted to a tree high in the air. I'm not a demon.

Nothing could possibly go wrong here. You guys hear that ominous music of the background, right? Well, he hears it and he looks over to the side at the house and then whatever it was that did the pop scare would behind the mouse hole, that person is staring at him from the window for a second. Just slow play in that prank thing. All right, I'm going to stare at him for a second in this moment. And then it turns on his chainsaw suddenly. Yeah. Okay, so that was the next step up in the pranks was like, you know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna turn on his chainsaw for like a half a second. He's gonna be like, and drop it. See now

if this movie wanted to win me back, we would cut over to the Witches Whiteboard where it it was like mouse hole arrow chainsaw question. Yeah, so that's pop scary and okay, I don't I did get scared by this pop scare though. I got scared by all these pop. So I got the chainsaw went on and I was like, fuck, this is the third time I just stopped this movie and call so I called my mother at this moment. Like I really called mom and I was

like I want to talk to you for a little bit. I have all the lights on. I'm working a scary movie for my job. Yeah, I had that exact. That's real thing that happened to me. He's just hanging out on his front porch. What's going on guys? Hey, taking a little walk. Okay, I'll catch you later. Okay. There's just a thing is demons, right? Oh, you're gone. It's your far away. No, you don't have to come back. You guys wanna walk with me?

I'm new. No. So we come back over to the hospital again and Ed wakes up to let them know. The demon is in Arnie now. Oh God. Yeah, and this exposition, like he's just weezing out like eight lines of dialogue. It's like, no, it's got the other kid party.

I mean, I just said kid the first time around so that you'd have to ask that follow up, even though Arnie's like 24 and I'm 41 and I've never loved that anyway. Oh, time to lapse back into the coma. It's a great acting ridiculous. I add, yeah. Okay, but what's happening here? The demon explained what it was doing, but only to Ed at that moment? I, we all saw the black eyes, right?

Yeah, I think Ed is the only one who saw what we saw, which is Arnie's eyes turned black when he volunteered himself to the demon. Okay. I think Ed is the only one who saw what we saw, which is Arnie's eyes turned black when he volunteered himself to the demon. Okay, but he was too hard attacked. Everybody else just thought it was one of those ineffective demon volunteering. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Fair enough. And then in what is one of the most bizarre choices in the movies we have ever watched, we cut over to a stereo fixing montage to super upbeat music. Yeah. Rocky music for fixing a stereo and picking up chickens. It's weird. It is blood. These call me.

I when this scene happened, I literally laughed out loud for real for like a good solid third. It was just fantastic. Me fucking too, because it truly, this is what happens in the movie. It's the kid. He's got the kid. Come here. Honestly, if the demon has just been partying around inside Arnie's skull, this is my favorite movie of all time. Yeah. This is Bruno's stereo, by the way, we should meet Bruno.

We met him actually a second ago. He is sweaty drunk guy friend. And as soon as we met him, I was like, oh, sweaty drunk guy has 20 minutes max before he dies. He is going to die very soon. His stereo is getting fixed by Arnie here while we listen to call me by plot. Yeah. He stumbles on the screen and is like, why don't we have a drink and we can play whole knives to our throats. I'll go first.

Oh, this is also, this is just a thing if you're watching along. This is the cheapest pop scare of the movie. Arnie is kind of staring into the middle distance and the girlfriend's like, hey, but she doesn't super loud. So it's a pop. She's like, hey, what are you doing? And Arnie's like, hey, hey, everybody bring it in. No pop scaring me right now when you just walk up to me, do it at regular speed from the front.

Don't know pop scares, please. I might be a demon. So they they dance around a little bit Bruno dances with his girlfriend and Arnie dances with Bruno. Everyone's dance around having a good time, but then he gets overtaken by a demon and he's there's a stabby stab stab. And can I just point out how absolutely fucking tasteless this is? Like, look, I did a little Wikipedia and tried to read up about this murder case From what I can tell like the landlord hit on the girlfriend So Arnold Arnie murdered him and that's gross, but like that's a real guy who died

It's weird to turn that into a spooky scene for your movie Yeah, right. It would be like if you made a horror movie where the guy who killed Harvey Milk gets overtaken by a demonic twinkie. Like, no, this is a real murder. It is not a good subject for your weird demon special effects. But anyways, we cut to after the stabbing. For some reason, this movie is very shy about the actual stabbing. So we watch Arnie like wandering along the road and a cop just sort of pulls up and is like, Hey, man, you, you full of demons. You got demon eyes. You got demon eyes there. And he's like, what? No, no regular eyes. Eyes, I just have eyes.

Look at, look at, they're normal. I guess it falls to me to point out that in Bridgefield, Connecticut or wherever this is shot in 1981, we're supposed to believe that this is a black cop driving the patrol car all by himself. Yeah, that was the realistic part in this movie about demons. Yeah. So he's like, I'm an your eyes demony and then he turns around and he's all covered in blood and he has that great like, I think I might have stabbed a pie. It seems like the demon inside would just keep the human's eyes normal for now while he's trying to get away. No. Or is the demon like trying to get caught, like trying to set up a test case?

Right. About demon. Well, we're going to find out that there's going to be a test case about demons. It doesn't go as well as I would like to honestly. Yeah. So later that night, the cops are on the scene solving the very obvious murder. But don't worry, the movie is sure there's another hour and 25 minutes of this movie. And we get exposition radio playing already calling it a murder, right? Like not guy stabbed police are investigating possible murder. No, they definitely know wasn't, wasn't self defense. Wasn't any other kind of thing like that?

That seems like irresponsible news casting to me. Yeah, they got one of the future telling things from minority report doing their news, telling at this point. I'm going to allow that to characterize as the witness as a car jacker. We cut over to the prison where they are having Arnie read the Bible because if you can read the Bible, you don't have a demon in your butt. I love that everyone in this interrogation room agrees that demons always play by the rule. I like this is like he's quite right.

Like demons hate it when you read from second Chronicles. Like, isn't there the demon heath somewhere who's like, hey, I could just not make his eyeballs go all black when we're murdering him. And when they start reading from Deuteronomy, I'll just tune it out like a normal person instead of for all think at the bill. Hey, this is just tune it out like a normal person. Is that a for all thing at the bell? Hey, this is great. Self-eached. Yeah.

Very effective demon, just saying. It's excellent tactic. But yeah, that means that the demon is gone. And there's this fucking fantastic moment where Arnie's like, okay, but if the demon isn't in me anymore, what do you guys do? And everyone in the movie is like, good question because we don't even do stuff when the demons in there. So, yeah, this is a mystery now.

I guess it's a mystery now. Don't worry, the movie will forget about this. Yeah, the movie will forget about this plot very, very quickly. So now we cut over to I think all of our favorite scenes and one of the great reasons why we had Mr. Torres on today. The scene with the lawyer explaining how guilty he is. This lawyer just is so angry about having to do this meeting in the first place. And lawyers just like, you're all stupid. I'm a lawyer. We're going to we're a demon possession defense is what you would like to do. You want me to do that.

My job as a lawyer will be demon possession, not guilty. That's what you're saying. Yeah. I have never been more empathetic for any character on screen in this lawyer in this movie. Just look like I'm not going to lie. I've had conversations with clients that have been the equivalent of, I'm not going before the jury. And again, this lawyer says, grand jury, which takes me out for a second, but whatever.

The script was written by an idiot, whatever. It was just the royal grand. It was a jury that happened to the grand in the general sense. But look, like I'm not going before the jury and arguing he was possessed by demons, good sentence to say lawyer, except that sentence number two, the next words out of her mouth were because that's never been done before. Look like the problem is not lack of testability here on this. Show me the story, the sizes of this thing and then that's less nonsense than what this movie would have.

Yeah, okay. But Ed and Lorraine are like, yes, we want you to do that as an attorney. You know what? Come over for dinner and we'll show you what we're talking about. And I was like, show this attorney what? What the fuck are you going to show her? What does that even mean? Okay. So for clarity, the claim that this movie is making, Ed and Lorraine Warren literally turn to their house into a look at our spooky shit museum. Okay.

So the claim that this movie is making is that when they were about to have the lawyer make this claim, they were like, no, no, no, no. Come see our raggedy and all, which is what Annabelle is based on, and our collection of broken plates from the Amityville house, which we charge people $25 to look at. And you'll definitely want to lose your fucking license, the lawyer.

Can we go to this house and take a tour at Yolab House? We can't unfortunately. They, um, they are dead. And there's no one can we go to the house anyway? I mean, you can't stop us from going to your house. In Andrew's daughter, send it away. We can go any house we want. Until people say to leave.

Don't take legal advice from God awful movies. I bet live show at the war in town. I'm talking about. Whoa. I like it. All right. So she's like, whatever, do your worst. And then we cut over to court because they sure did convince her with their haunted all do to lead to over the convincing.

Yeah. Exactly. I was like, what the fuck would that be? What would that look like? And the movie was like, I don't fucking know next. No, no, no, no. It's different. Totally. Tell us, if that's in your imagination, I don't fucking know, next time. No, no, no. Skip it entirely. Tell me, best if that's in your imagination

as to what was super sweet. Right. So now we're in court and this guy, his attorney agreed to this. They plead demon. That happens. And the judge is my favorite fucking part, the judge. Here's this happened.

He's like, how do you plead? Demon, not guilty. And judge is my favorite fucking part. The judge hears this happen. He's like, how do you bleed? Demon, not guilty. And judge is like, oh, you're serious. There's such a long pause while he's just like, what the fuck are you talking? What is happening in my life? And then he's like, oh, that's really what you're saying. You're disbard.

You the attorney or the judge makes a face that I have seen people make several times in my life where they go, oh, this is a whole thing now. That's what the judge says with his eyes. This is a whole thing now. And he is, he is mouthing the words to the lawyer of like, you can just plead not guilty, you know, save the demon stuff for later. Yeah, but they cut to outside and dang it because they pled not guilty, the prosecutor is going to ask for the death penalty.

Oh, and so I'm sorry, I'm fixated on the stupid law and the stupid demon movie. But like the real Arnie Johnson was tried for first degree manslaughter because, you know, that's what it was. I mean, do these people think you get the death penalty because you committed a crime and your lawyer is stupid? Wait, wait, wait, don't answer that. I was gonna say. All right, withdrawn. Let's leave a silly pal from withdrawn.

Okay. So they head back home to listen to some, so for some reason, Ed and Lorraine decide that it's on them to clear Arnie's name and prove that demons exist. Right. By the way, they would never be allowed to testify in this trial. They, they just talked to a bunch of newspapers and were like, oh, trust us. If we were in that courtroom, Arnie would totally get off.

And whatever poor soul that was the judge of that actual courtroom was like, no, absolutely not. You can't, you can't bring paranormal witnesses, but that's not what happens in the movie. So they head back home to listen to some recordings of themselves making shit up. Okay. Yeah. So they're going back to their reels of tape from when they taped exorcisms. What do they think they're going to find? Like the demons said something on the tape that they missed, like demons narrate, and there's some detail that they're gonna find? Like the demons said something on the tape that they missed, like demons narrate,

and there's some detail that they're gonna catch now. And if you don't brandize the demon, like that shit's not a show. Yeah, it's important. Yeah, the body camera footage gets out the mayor of Chicago. All right, look, we got a lot of good demons on the force, and I don't want this to get crazy. And look, I am going to take us to

bummer town momentarily because one, this is the scene that everyone talks about in the movie. And it's like the, the true story of the true story thing, which is that the family later said that something traumatic happened to David. That's the little kid who was possessed on the water bed. They didn't say what would happen. And it wasn't what happens in the scene, which is like an old lady pops out of the water bed and grabs the kid and sprays him with water. But like, what I'm pointing out is that the chance that this kid is possessed is zero, because God's not real and nothing happens when you die. The chance that this kid was sexually abused and that caused a psychotic break for him is not zero. And that is a real bummer, Rooney, put in your horror movie.

I think a professional demonologist begs to differ with you, Eli. It was obviously demon waterbed. Okay, it could have been a demon waterbed. There you go. There you go. Waterbeds are a fucking nightmare. I don't understand. Is that enjoyable for people? No. Yeah. Disagree. As Andrew can verify, lying on a water bled only leads to one thing. He's sweet, sweet love making and then see sickness. Well, I'm definitely not reading my note about how what I was eight. I wanted a water bed now. Now, we know why.

So back in the present, so that we watched the kid get attacked by a demon in the water bed, back in the present, girlfriends like that stupid, why would being on a water bed and in possession? And don't worry. They have an even dumber answer, which is that underneath the water bed, underneath the floorboards, there's something spooky. No, there's water damage because the water bed hot. That's what there is.

But the movie is like, that's not, that's not water damage. I think it might be demon damage. Ed and Lorraine are in this room and like, Ed might as well wipe his finger along this and taste it and be like, that's demon damage. That tastes like demon damage and cocaine. 100% pure demon damage. So they head underneath the house, right, to see this. And I just want to point out that the finding

the witch symbol thing in houses is a absolutely stereotypical con that psychics do. Right, it is second only to cracking an egg filled with hair. Okay, so what's the, what's the finding the witch symbol con? So what she's planning to have it, she's planting a thing, right? Yeah, you go to someone's house, you know, I don't know, it sounds fucking haunted and they go, I don't believe you, but I will the moment you do or say anything so you find some water damage and you go up better crawl under your house the

spookiest part of your house and then while you're in there you pull out a little stick man that you made with your shitty husband at home and you go oh this is a witch symbol but luckily for 10 low payments of 99, 99, we can break your curse. That's so obviously what happened with Ed and Lorraine Warren, but this movie has to make it a horror movie and pretend it's real. So we're going to watch her crawl around. They might as well have a scene in the movie where they decide to play a little game of cards with two black aces in a queen. I appreciate the explanation and it does make this scene seem a lot like, I found a Bible written on golden plates. So yeah, that's pretty much what happens. Yeah.

Lorraine crawls under clearly plants this like demon witch totem thing and is like, oh, look what I found is a demon witch totem. It's right under where the kids water bed was in that room where the demon thing popped out. So I have a question about what they're saying in this movie. They seem to be saying that the totem, the demon thing, the witch totem has to be directly under the spot where the demon eventually shows up. Like demons can only go up, like straight up, up the only direction of the demon. It has to be under a bit, which means again, there's an unshown scene where which the lady

is walking around the house going, okay, I'm at 45 degrees west. So the wall is here, like a fucking water guy trying to find where your pipes and studs are. It's like, okay, cool. I've got to get on it. She puts it in the wrong place and his foot gets infected. Fuck. I'll come back later in the morning. Demon pops up in a toilet full of shit.

Okay. Who'd come on? This is the one spot really, really. The one other thing I have to point out is that as she's crawling through the crawl space that which totem before she discovers it. It's like covered in a little bit of cloth and they have these very obviously domesticated rats. They all have these beautiful shiny coats and morbid obesity and they're like kind of near it and they're like, oh, that's pretty spooky. I've 100% thought that the seed was going to be the little domesticated rats praying to the skull alter which

Do it. I'm not kidding. Oh such a better movie. Okay, so liars, they're liars and they planted that. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back with more the conjuring the devil made me do it 57 58 59 Graveyard, oh

We were so close. We were I felt guys what you doing there. Oh Andrew is teaching me not to commit crimes Yeah, that's right if if you like could make it 60 seconds without committing an audio felony, I'll take about to dinner, which is good because I am starving. Well, Eli, if you're looking for excellent eats at an affordable price, why don't you just try Hello, Fresh. What's? Hello, Fresh. With Hello, Fresh, you get fresh, pre-measured ingredients, and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. I don't know, Andrew. I have special food needs, dark special food needs. Yeah, we know. It, look, Hello Fresh offers 27 plus recipes to choose from each week from vegetarian meals

and calorie smart choices to craft burgers and extra special gourmet options. There's something for everyone to enjoy with all recipes designed and tested by professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity. Oh, I don't know. He's, and I spent a lot of money on that billboard you wouldn't let us put up. Yeah, because it was a war cry. That was actually never settled by the UN. Yeah. That was because I stopped you. But Betheela, I Hello Fresh is 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store and 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal without sacrificing the quality. Yeah. I was actually a Hello Fresh customer way before they were a sponsor.

I love the variety and they make cooking for myself at home a breeze. Okay, guys, I am in. How do I sign up? Just go to HelloFresh.com, slash awful 12 and use the code awful 12 for 12 free meals, including free shipping. So I go to HelloFresh.com slash awful 12 and use code awful 12 for 12 free meals, including free shipping. That's exactly what I just said. Yep. All right.

Sorry, Andrew. Looks like I won't be needing that dinner after all. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Uh, eh, please, please be that. Yeah, 100% beeping that. Yep.

Thanks. Thanks. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Mr. Correz, come on in. Hi, hi, Ed. Hi, Hilary.

Thank you for agreeing to this. I think that after you see what we've got to show you, you'll see things our way. Right. Look, look, I understand that you want me to go into a court of law and say that my client was possessed by a demon when he stabbed a guy. I gotta tell you, even if ghosts are real, that's a bad defense, okay? There's nothing you're going to show me here that's going to make this perhaps this A raggedy and doll? Uh, not just any doll, Mr. Torres. This is Annabelle, the haunted doll.

That's the silliest thing I've ever seen. Your silliest thing. Yes, it is. It is. They had to change it to a different looking doll for the movie, but perhaps this will change our mind. A broken plate from the Amityville horror thing is the last remaining evidence. Yes.

What's that whole thing? A very obvious real estate scam that your partner confessed to being a scam super publicly. I don't remember that. No. It's not what you said. Yeah, we'll see. Seriously. My god, Mr. Torres, it's not what you said. Yeah, we'll seriously. My god, Mr. Torres, it's a real spirit.

That is very clearly your wife wearing a sheet, the eyes cut out, I'll let you. No, very real spirit. I'm a ghost. Please, please stop. Do the little thing we want you to do. Careful, Mr. Torres, you better give it what it wants. Or you can be haunted forever.

Take this seriously. Okay, you better give it what it wants. Or you can be haunted forever. Take this seriously. Okay, I'm gonna go. Don't forget to visit the gift shop on the way home. Your home has a gift shop. Of course it does. Yes. To the left. To the left.

To the left. And we're back. And now Ed and Lorraine are explaining the magic behind the witch totem that Lorraine very obviously planted under the house to make their stupid documentary more exciting. Oh, yeah, someone explains that this is used by Satanists and their rituals and no, also for the record, witches don't generally have totems. I mean, look, some do because Wicca is 99% white girls with undercuts appropriating

other cultures. And one of the cultures that they like to appropriate is First Nation people who do use totems, but they use them in religious practice and not for magic spells in any sense that we would understand that sense of the word. So my point is, is that this whole movie centers around, which is totem, which is like calling something a Muslim communion wafer. It's just not a thing. I was also not clear on the relationship between witches and demons. This seemed like kind of a strange, you know, yeah, they're not the same thing. They're not the same thing.

No, right. They interchangeably use demon and witch and Satan worshipper here is really very different things. It's like being like, oh, man, tell me about it. There's axe murderers, there's serial rapists, there's yoga instructors. I mean, it's really dangerous out there. Right. So they're saying, though, that this witch totem got placed under the house by a Satanist witch to curse this kid. Yeah. David was cursed. bitch to curse this kid. David was cursed. So that means the exorcism part, it just like makes the demon pick another chair.

So like you exercise and the demons like, I go in this guy now. All right. I'm going to the guy. Oh, no, that guy got yelled at by the guy who's going to marry the sister. All right. I'm in him now. Like they move around. Nothing really gets accomplished.

And as we'll learn later in the movie and it's worth spoiling now, as we'll learn later in the movie, this demon has a three variant requirement, the child, the lover and the man of God. Like not only will this movie directly fail to explain why the fuck anyone would want to do this later. I mean, they will ask and the movie will be like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, right. So that means the exorcism helped actually. The demon was like, oh, no, this is perfect. I have to do a three thing. I was fucking, fucking kid. Okay. No, that makes it

easier. Thank you. Waiting for a lover to come along. This is really worked out. Right. But this is where Ed and Lorraine, they, okay, Ed and Lorraine have a helper guy who, like from Rolling Stone magazine, he's like a journalist and he's just a helper. He's an aide, they have a witch hunting aide. They're intern, he's doing coffee runs. Yeah, right, they have an intern and they're like, hey, intern, here's what you do. Send out these pictures that we made of the totem to everyone

who knows the glatsoe family and see if we can, you know, find something out that way. So like, what? What would that letter even say? Like they're gonna write letters to everybody that knows the glatsoes. It's like dear sir or madam, do you Do you know anyone who cares around evil totems? And you've just been ignoring it completely? Maybe you could help us with something We'd like you to start caring and and it's 1981 so the letter is gonna have to write it's not like you can laser print the photo and send it out right it's 1981, so the letter is going to have to write. It's not like you can laser print the photo and send it. All right. It's going to describe.

Okay. So it kind of looks like a squirrel skull, but picture facing upwards of this. There's spikes on it. And as the dot matrix is stuck, we have to jammed. I got the button. No, you're not lining it up right. You can see you're not lining up the spikes. Oh, god damn it.

This is also where Ed is pretty sure that this is the disciples of the Ram cult. And he goes, you remember that, don't you? And I was like, no, because you made them up for this fucking movie, dude. I'm thinking, hey man, Temple of Doom will not come out for another three years. So you know, yeah.

But luckily, they remember that there was a priest who totally knew all about that very real cult. And he retired, but they could go ask him about it. And when they say retired, I wrote in my notes, if they do not find him chopping woods in a cabin in the forest, I'm gonna be so fucking mad. So close. Good news, yeah. He is feeding his chicken in a life of retirement. And he looks like he has been decomposing for about 125 years.

Like it is. Uh-oh. So yeah, Ed and Lorraine drive out to this guy's house and they're like, hello, we're random people who drove to your house and want to ask you questions. And he's like, I've chicken shit on my hands. That's the line of the movie. You won't shake hands with the great response to meeting Ed and Lorraine. I'm using that for now on for everything. Just hello. I have chicken shit

on my hands. Heath, why haven't you texted me back? Chicken chit hands. Okay, but this did bring up a very spiritual question for me. Do you think con men when they meet like this, right? Because the priest is the priest that this is based on is obviously a con man who talked about Satan shit, Ed and Lorraine Warren, con people. Do you think when con men meet up, they get to be like, hey, dude, we're working on this publicity shit. You want to help us out with this? Or does everyone have to pretend the whole time

in case someone's out? Oh, they have to pretend. Oh, yeah. This priest, this is a guy who helped fuel the satanic panic according to their own story. That's who they're referencing here. One of those guys, yeah. It's a dirty rotten scoundrel situation.

Poggy, I get it. I get it. So he's like, yes, I have heard of your Satanists. And this is where they ask why the fuck anyone would do this. And the answer is actually Satanists love chaos. His nectar is despair. Okay. This whole scene is great though. First, first this guy, chicken shitheads guys like, forget you ever saw this. They show him the picture of the totem. He's like, forget you ever saw this. And I was like, all right. If they're just like, sounds good credits, I would have been

so. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Let's end the movie. Best game episode ever. So good. But no, he looks at it. And he's like, Oh, well, this is very sophisticated. I have sophisticated squirrel skull thingy. I'm so weird. You're so weird. I love the idea of a really sloppy, low-level witch. Yeah, we've got an unsophisticated totem. Yeah, just the me of witches. Just like can't get the squirrel head to fit on the jawbone.

The demon kind of half enters the kid and then exits again. Huh? Was that? Come on. Is that good? It's a cabbage patch. Will you come to my side work on my totems for me? No. Measure the totem twice. Cut the totem once. Right. So he says it's very sophisticated. And they're like, Oh, okay, okay. So why would someone attack a little kid? And old man priest is like, well, the why is a relevant and you watch Ed and Lorraine be like, no, no, that without the word why. Yeah, come on in. I'll tell you all about this. I have a creepy, unlit basement that will answer all your why questions. God, yeah.

So they're walking down to the terrifying basement. We're saying it's like, I don't want to go in your terrifying basement. And it's like, we're going in the basement. Come on, we need this for our weird fucking house house. You want to end the movie like I suggested a minute ago? No, exactly. We're going to the basement. They get down there and Ed is like, Hey, cool. Yeah, this is a very evil basement. You should stop having a basement evil. You should destroy it. Well, we should clarify in this farmer expry spaceman, he has a collection of hundreds of satanic items. Yeah. Right. Well, brass statuettes and totems and evil books.

He's there's a little mini bathamette over on the wall. Yeah. It's that a bubblehead of bathamette. And like he said, it's like, hey, man, maybe you should destroy all these evil magic props and he says, no, I collect them. It's like taking guns off the streets. Okay. I mean, you can just destroy the guns or in this example, your evil stuff, just destroy it. That would be better. And he's like, no, I like having it for nothing.

No reason. I like having it. That would be better. And he's like, no, I like having it for nothing. No reason. I like having it for me. It's my hobby. And then then he tells them about the cult of the ram and they were, they were evil and they did terrible things, including again, real quote from the movie, blasphemy, which gave them power. And I wrote my notes. Oh, yeah, how many patrons did that Blasphemy get? I have the I have the third highest blasphemer on Patreon. Okay. And apparently those powers that they got included the power to make a kid born with his heart outside his body. Okay. What? This needs to be explained the way I experienced it.

He's like, yes, the blasphemers gave him great power. The day their cult leader was arrested, his son was born with his heart outside of his body. The next day, his wife cut her own head off with a train. And then Lorraine are like, shitty powers, bro, those people in bed. It's a really specific power that's not going to be useful very often, making a child born with it. When would you use that again? Why would you need to have a child with an external heart? He's also the leader of the, he did that to himself or they did it to him for getting

caught who the fuck knows. But meanwhile, meanwhile somewhere spooky a Satan which is lighting candles Spookily With like a giant collection of matches that the witch had to keep in a little thing It just it seems like you'd get a lighter at a certain point You're probably doing this spell a lot. You're doing a lot of light just get a lighter and like well If you get one of the stick ones it wrecks the mood, right? You've just like, like, like, like, and you're just like speeding through the candles. That's no fun. Get an ornate zip-o with like a skull on it. I don't know.

No, because then you got to tilt it down. It's a whole thing. Or you got to put the candle on top. Which refilling the zip-o with the left zip-o refill thing. Go into the gas station, picking one out? Do you have Zippo refills? And so I just this one say get her done. What am I getting done? Am I the her in this case? But this is her casting a spell.

So we cut over to Arnie. Remember Arnie, he's with the movies about apparently. He's mopping. Apparently when you get accused of murder, they immediately put you on mop duty in a room full of sleeping other prisoners. Yeah, so he's he's mopping and then obviously this is another one of the times where they're trying to do pop scares.

So Arnie looks over to the side and he starts staring. I don't even know what he was staring at, but I was like, Hey man, don't stare at random objects. That goes badly for you every time. Don't do that. Just ignore it. This is the thing. You can get ahead of most horror movies. If you walk into your kids bedroom

and he's standing in the corner, you're just like, Hey, what's going on, champ? Booboo booboo booboo booboo. Yup, then you beat the demon at their own game. Don't stare at the bucket. But there's a bucket snatch pop scare here. Yeah. Yeah. We also

we get to see the prison guard lady in like the next one. Oh, she is my other favorite character besides David. She's fucking fantastic. She's just in the other room being like, this guy's staring at a bucket and he's gonna get a pop scare about that. What a fucking idiot. Classic. This woman can be in every horror movie ever just in the other room, casually reading her magazine as demons rise and pull forth from the ether. I want her to have like strings and she's like moving the bucket away. Some guy who's hiding underneath gives her 20 bucks. I can't believe he fell for that.

They I tell you they always stare at the bucket. But but a log side prison guard lady don't give a shit is the for that. I'm telling you, they always stare at the bucket. But, but alongside prison guard lady, don't give a shit is the fantastic random, salo skinned person now solemnly intoning the blondie lyrics. It is, I defy anyone to watch this scene and not giggle hysterically, like it is just okay, even Arnie can't stop giggling almost. He's like, Hey, what do you reciting the lyrics to Blondie call me as a pop scare me? I got it. You're pop scare.

He starts to explain it. He's almost explains it. He's like, call me any time. It was the song you stabbed the guy to. Obviously I should have picked something different. Can I start, call me any time. It was the song you stabbed the guy to. Obviously, I should have picked something different. Oh, can I start? Oh, my God. Oh, God, if they had picked its raining men here, could you imagine how, but you get this guy going humidity is rising. The Brabators get to know. Oh, my God, it would be so great. But yeah, that that apparently spooks out Arnie and then the

playteness. We get this cut of the Satan witch walking away from her cup. Like, good job. I did good. Good day of witch and we use so little of call me that we don't even have to pay royalties to believe. Oh, right. So meanwhile, back at Ed and Lorraine's place, they're staring at the witch totem in the hopes that it will look less silly. And it won't, by the way, it looks, it looks like someone's first attempt to build a bear. Yeah. But this is where their intern comes back in and lets them know that there's the cops

in Danvers, Massachusetts. Remember how they sent out all the photos to everyone in the world ever? A cop in Danvers, Massachusetts has seen a totem just like this where a girl was stabbed 22 times, which is the same as Bruce. Who also got stabbed 22 times. Yeah, so they go up to Danvers, Massachusetts to talk to this cop.

And the cop explains that he's got a case where this might be involved. They go up to Danvers, Massachusetts to talk to this cop. And the cop explains that he's got a case where this might be involved. And he explains that same as theirs, there's a, you know, a witch totem that they found at the girl's house who had been stabbed. No. Doesn't it seem like the Satanist witch would just grab that when she's done like, you think, right? Okay.

You have to put it right under there, but then go get it. You were able to put it there, so go get it. I'll just make another total. It'll be easier that way. Keep it on a string and you don't even have to crawl under there again. You hate it when people leave a dirty workspace. Don't you?

It's just, oh, it's the worst. Who closed? Who's the way too close last night? This fucking damn, is this virgin blood? It's all over the workstation. This looks terrible. Now there's fruit flies Didn't do any of your baby roll ups So they go to the cop and they're like maybe we can help each other and the cops like no you guys are frauds No, I'm I'm a police officer. You help me with my thing. No

I'm a police officer. You help me with my thing. No. And the rain says, okay, if you help us, we'll help you find the missing girl, the one who did the 22 stab. I feel like you didn't hear me. I'm a police officer. No, you have to just help me with my thing. I thought that was clear. And this is this movie's idea of fair and balanced, right? Like they're introducing the cop as the skeptic. And the skeptic position is, well, you know, obviously Satanists are real and they're everywhere and they conduct secret rituals and they're scary and evil

and they must be stopped at all copa. They're not magic, you roobs, dare and balanced. But also, is the implication of this scene that if the cop said no, I won't let you see the file. Lorraine wouldn't find the missing girls. Yeah. Yeah, quit, quit pro quo. No deal, no psychic powers.

And now it is time. Now it is time for the test of Lorraine's psychic ability. The cop comes over and he says one of these knives was used in the murder. The other two I just grabbed from the three knives. He has three. She has a one and three chance of being magical now. That's what's popped up by this detective, this police detective.

My friends, I spent so much time learning to palm cards, switch cards, turn over cards and switch them and swap them. This fucking guy is like, all right, fine. Flip this coin if it turns out hands ever, you're a psychic. All right, tell you what, I'm thinking of a tenor and you prove your magic by naming a tenor. Paul Ronnie, damn it. Okay. that's impressive. That's impressive. I can't name the two either. It's like the Marine Recreation.

The Marine Recreation. The Blind Guy. It's a Rico Palazzo. Yeah. The Blind Guy, you were thinking second one, who's blind guy. Yeah, but I was thinking blind guy. Andrea Bacheli.

No, no, no, okay, that's four now. I get, but it's come on. Don't be a dick. They drive a little bit and it is a further proof of her power. She goes, you missed a turn. The body's back there and I just wrote my notes. Okay. Nobody likes a backsy driver when you're looking for a corpse.

Okay, Lorraine? I was just really hoping that she would get the knife wrong and they just leave. And then, yeah, it's like, no, oh, you're not magic and you can't be involved in this case. You're dumb. Go away. I will note that this is the fourth time that he suggested this movie would be greatly improved by just ending early and I agree. I agree. A hundred times. Very much agree. God. I love so yeah,

they're driving now to go out in the woods to check out the murder scene that the cop had and the cop in the car. He's like, okay, you know what, fuck, I should have had you guess the knife more times in a row. I should have done it. I should have been at least like several tests of. Basically, you picked out the folder's coffee and I feel like that was really easy. I kind of like this seed, right? Because Lorraine is saying deliberately insane shit, right? Like Elvis is playing on the radio and he's like, oh, right? Because Lorraine is saying deliberately insane shit, right? Like Elvis is playing on the radio and he's like, Oh, did you meet Elvis?

And she's like, yes, but both before and after he was dead. And it's like, I, I, right. And that's his attitude. And it's like, great. I'm in a car with crazy people. And I, I'm saying the cop could guest on God awful movies as well. Absolutely. Okay.

They could have ended the movie right here too. It could have been like, I met Elvis and dead Elvis cops just like, all right, get out of the car. Get out. And the movie over. Yeah, he just pulls over the movie. Oh God, that would be the best. So back with Ed and Lorraine, they get to the forest and she's using her magic bracelet to find the dead kid. Oh, fuck me.

Yeah, she's swinging it like a dousing pendulum so that, you know, yeah, lends a lot of support to Eli's thesis. She's this amazing moment where she goes, something terrible happened here. And the detectives like, yeah, we just said we found a body here murder. Yep. Yeah, there was a murder. You want to guess one and three? I'm thinking of a number.

You can give a number between one and five. All right. This is the real test. Let's get to see it. It is. Yeah. So the rain is like, all right, I'm going to step into dark world for a second and do my things. See if I don't know, they left a business card in dark world. Maybe I'll find it. And she goes into dark world. She has a little doodly do. And apparently she can see into the past, right? Because she sees the girl who gets murdered, hanging out with her friend in the woods. Yeah. Why would she just now be using seeing into the past for the first time? I feel like that would be a very useful thing. And you know, helping to solve crimes. but yeah, go home and use that on your thing in Connecticut.

You have a superpower. You know that thing that you've been trying to figure out where it's from? The past. The superpower is on it. Most things happened in the past. And if you're thinking like, oh Eli, it doesn't work like that. No, later in the movie, it will work exactly like that. Just use your power.

Force push, do it right away, basic stuff. But yeah, she witnesses the murder in her dark world underneath thing. And she, she like gets lost in the character. Like fucking Daniel De Lewis, and almost throws herself off a cliff. Yeah. She starts miming like the stabbing over and over.

And finally, Ed goes over. He's like, honey, honey, stop. Can you stop it? You're too much. You look ridiculous outside of dark world where we are. He's kind of embarrassing me in front of the detective. Yeah. You can almost hear him miming under his breath. Like, look, we're moving from the, the fishes on the hook territory to you'll look like a god damn crazy person. Yep. So she runs away. He tries to stop her. She runs away and she almost falls off a cliff and stops just barely, but then a demon grabs her leg and pulls her even further and she gets almost all of the way of the ledge, but she gets caught and saved by Ed here. Oh, I love this so much.

Like again, we cannot overemphasize how unimpressive these demons are, right? So we have a thing that can almost drag 140 pounds of Sidney Powell off a cliff, but not if there's a middle aged guy who's just had a heart attack there to pull you back up. Yeah, well, get that job. So there was a demon just hanging out off the side of that ledge in case a magical Christian lady showed up and ran to that spot. But make sure that this is a Sveltov of like 120 pounds tops. That's all I can pull off the clip.

I start to fall off the cliff. The demon's just like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I don't want to say why. I'm going to get canceled. canceled. He fell by himself. Okay. That was a freebie. So he drags her back up onto the thing and the cop guy, God, I love cop guy. He just wanders over and he's like, okay, well, that was a fun little play you guys did. Not good, not helpful. Not good, not helpful. And they're like, check the water. She's down there. And he's like, okay. Meanwhile, they agree to go check the water.

And back of the ambulance, I guess someone called an ambulance, Ed is getting a blood thinner. So no viagra that night for him. Yeah. So yeah, Ed has a heart problem. And the EMT is like, hey man, were you sprinting through the woods with your serious heart condition and then dragging somebody off the side of a ledge? And he's like, yeah. Yeah. She's like, okay, don't do that now. No,

cool. And then Detective walks over and he's like, oh my God, turns out you were right. We found a body down there in the water. And that means you're both cops now and you get to see all our case files. Yep. Ah, classic X-File skepticism here, right? Like, the cops like, yeah, you know, so the one and three thing I was still sort of on the fence, but now you said a body might have been thrown into water when a murder was committed near a cliff. Okay, I'm I'm sold.

He also to try and double down this, he goes, you know, we looked twice and didn't find anything in that water. I wrote my notes. Oh, maybe try harder. Maybe really give it your all when you're looking for dead bodies and bodies of water. Now that is psychic, Lenny. So Arnie's sitting in his prison cell, right? We cut over to Arnie's sitting in his prison cell and the preacher who talked to Ed and Lorraine earlier, he sneaks him holy water in a glass bottle. He might as well give him a Swiss army knife for the tweezers, folks.

I wanted it to be a hollowed out Bible and he opens it up and it's just a smaller Bible. Okay, you can just give me either one of these. That's fine. So while that's happening, Ed is like, Hey, the rain, you know how you have superpowers where if you touch a thing or you're near a thing, you can doodly do into the dark world and then find out what's going on. And she's like, yeah, and he's like, you want to touch a dead girl? Oh, yeah, doodly do. And she's like, yeah, and he's like, you want to touch a dead girl? Oh, yeah. Maybe we can do it, Lee, too.

And she's like, yeah, let's go touch a dead girl. So that's what they do. They head over to the funeral home to see if they can touch the dead body. Yeah. So they get to the funeral home, which is closed because it's a fucking funeral home. And it breaks in.

And they just start sneaking around looking for a dead body to touch. And and can I just say I kind of want funeral homes to have a night guy Right, I just want grandma to be slightly better guarded so that the warrants can't come in and touch him They need bend over from fletched to yeah, exactly But they do eventually find the body. This is by the way where I muted the movie They do eventually find the body. This is by the way where I muted the movie. So this movie's pop scares had no power over the press of the film, little pro tip there for you there. And so Lorraine finds the drowned girl

and she squeezes her and it's a really long time before she has a psychic vision. So Ed has this great moment where he's like, did you see anything or are you just just squeezing a dead girl? But yes, she does eventually have a vision of the witch thing and we can see into the satanic cave section of the mortuary. She walks through and she, this is her like going into the dark world and seeing the witch's cover and they did that thing where Satanists have the upside down cross. And I just love the image of a Satanist witch nailing a cross upside down inside their covenant being like, ah, that's the opposite of how you were.

Got him totally got him. Yeah. And is this where the Satanist witch and Lorraine meet each other in Dudley, Dooland? Yes. Yes. Okay, so that's how it works. Lorraine's in dark world Dudley-Dooland because she's touching the corpse of the girl in Massachusetts. But that same Dudley-Dooland dark world land is connected. It's the same one. Everybody uses it.

It's just there's one world for that. So the state is which, who's connected to Arnie and messing with Arnie bumps into her awkwardly and do the world is like, oh, hey, are you trying to foil me magically? Oh, and again, Lorraine doesn't know that she can see her. So there's this amazingly funny like, oh, hey, lovely, coven you've got here. Set here one, the table full of bones. And she let's go. She like releases herself from the dark world, but not before the witch.

Consent a dead body. Okay, this is the best. So yeah, Lorraine's still in the doodly do. And Ed is like, hey, Lorraine, Lorraine, we got a demon here, like a real one in my life in the regular world. Lorraine, Lorraine, what demon? There's a wet, there's a very wet demon focus up. It's right next to me. Also, we should point out that this demon is, um, portly. He's a portly fellow. It's a large hitters. It is beat loaf. It is meatloaf. It is fight love.

It is really like meatloaf. Meatloaf and naked. Yeah. Also naked naked and soaking wet with sweat. And look, I think I can speak from personal experience here. Fat guy with his balls out. Not scary. Funny.

Definitely funny. Yeah. Not scary. This movie is very fun. This is a hilarious movie. Yeah. Yeah. He has to at one point, the demon starts to like run out Lorraine, but she's still in the dark world. So Ed is like, I got to side tackle this big fat fucking stuff. But he doesn't do it. He thinks about, he's like, all right, I got to say Lorraine, but meatloaf demon sweaty just start starts to run over and falls tripped in. Falls smash his face against the metal table.

He was so funny. I could not. Why did this movie not think that was a comedy? It's a, it's a pratfall. A demon has a pratfall here. A demon does a pratfall and bang a pwang. Poings his head against the side of a thing and we're supposed to be like,

whoo, what terror has been invoked in me? Just does like a five minute chevy chase improv fallen over inside its ridiculous. He might as well fart when he goes down. Just like, ha ha ha ha. Demon, that was a demon fart. Well, city lock. So now we're back at Ed and Lorraine's place and they

are spooked, dang it spooked. But they realize that they can defeat the witch by destroying her altar because they they found a book that says that, I guess. Yep. Just like, hey, look, this book says we can win the movie by destroying the author. Great. And then the girlfriend, Arnie's girlfriend is like, hold on, but didn't you like stop the witch in the last scene? Maybe she'll just get discouraged and stop. I was so happy to like be reminded of that idea. Like. What would that look, a witch giving up, a witch just being angrily stuffing a cup full of blood back into a cardboard box. She's packing us.

No appreciation. I'm dating her resume on her computer. But they explain that she can't stop now. Her soul depends on it. So is blood a skill? Can you grab this blood stuff? Can I write that at the bottom? I'm putting it up.

You know what, I'm gonna have everyone of my friends that dorset beyond LinkedIn for witch stuff. But yeah, apparently Lorraine and her vision, they're like, Lorraine, do you know where the witch is? And she was like, it was cold and there's water damage and there was a train and they were like, great, that's no help. But don't worry.

It will be. Because apparently, the witch is going to come to them because for no reason and in a way that will never be acknowledged, Ed is just going to pass out right now. Yep. All right. Well, now that we're done with a scene called how to win act three, I guess it's time for one more quick break. And then we'll be back for the remaining amount of the conjuring, the devil made me do it. Okay, so on the count of three, you torch me. Okay, and all one, two, three go, or one, two, four, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, I see it. Oh, you have a blowtorch now.

Yeah, yeah, sorry about that. We were just taking care of our teeth with a mouthwash and you need a blowtorch for that? Well, no. I mean, yes, yes, we do. You know how mouthwash burns super bad, so bad. Well, I just have to have that. You know, I singe me a little while I swish

and now I hardly even notice the burning. Yeah. Okay. Putting aside that there are several solutions you should have thought of before that, why don't you just try quip the electric toothbrush people? Yeah, that's right. Well, look, they've launched a new mouthwash to help you complete your clean. Plus, it comes with a refillable dispenser that's delightful to use and sleek enough to fit

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colors and stinging alcohol you'll find in a lot of other lenses. But Andrew, it's so sleek. How do they get all the mouthwash in there? I see that's the thing. Quips refillable mouthwash is good for your mouth and the planet. With a Forex Concentrated Formula, quip ships less water and more good for your mouth and the planet. With a 4x concentrated formula, quip ships less water and more good for you ingredients. Each eco-friendly refill replaces a big bulky 470 milliliter bottle from one of those other brands once diluted. And quip's refill bottles are made

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And if you go to getquip.com slash awful five right now, you can get five dollars off a mouthwash starter kit. that's awful five. That's spelled G E T Q I P dot com slash awful five. Quip, the good habits company. All right. I guess we don't need the blowtorch. Yeah. And with the extra time, I can tell you guys one of my magic convention stories. Sure. I guess you please do that. So there I am doing a card trick for Mr. Boying Boying Boopsy him in the cell. Heath, you might want to hold on to that blue torch. Yep. Yep. Hold on. Okay, everyone. Welcome to our very real satanic cult meeting that happened at literally any time in history and was not just Christians freaking out about rock and roll. And Satan. Yes, have Satan.

So as you know, we are a group of disaffected drifters or teenagers or rock musicians. Anyways, with nobody else finding out about it, we've managed to harness the dark forces of Satan, the Prince of Darkness. We sure have. I have so much Satan magic. Yes, you Darkness. We sure have. I have so much Satan magic. Yes, you do. We all do. So, right, we're going to use that Satan magic,

that well of untapped eternal power and proof of the divine, not for wealth or power or fame. Come on. Of course not. Why would we do that? No, we're going to use it to pester Hicks. But only when the much more plausible explanation is mental illness.

Mental illness exactly. Of course, that is the best use of perfect towers. Right. I think we can all agree that doing that is worth the certain knowledge that we possess that will burn in hell forever for doing. Such a good brain. It's totally, totally worth it. All right.

Well, so then let's break into groups. Group A, you're going to be putting obvious illusions to our activities in company logos. And group B, you're going to just be putting our symbols all over the area where we do our magic so that people can find us and identify us for ABC 60 minutes push. Yeah, no, that sounds great. That's perfect. We should I leave a lot of clues where we're safe. This and we're very, very real. So real we exist. I'm pinching myself.

And we're back. And now Ed is waking up from his spell of the plot device, I just and finding an empty house with signs of a break in. Yeah. Ed's dad sense won't let him stay asleep in a house where someone just leaves the door open. We are conditioning the neighborhood here. Come on. It's hot outside too. If the which if the which was fucking with the thermostat as part of the pranks. And thematically sound, right? And

this is her MO so far. And the door is burst open. Now, I just want to say that if the witch lady had been like buffish shit and kicked open the door, that's a twist I would have deeply appreciated about this film. Well, the witch has super speed. We're going to learn. So like smashed through the like shoulder smashed through the door. Yeah, like sonic the hedgehog sure. But actually he checks in the room and it's meatloaf again. I really wanted meatloaf to be like, I'm serving you for that slip and fall in the morgue.

I know I felt kind of funny. I'm kind of angry about that. I just wanted to make up for that. I'm serving you for that slip and fall in the morgue. I know I felt kind of funny. I'm kind of angry about that. I just wanted to make up for that. I'm going to attack you. But it's a trick. It's a trick by the witch to get him to stab Lorraine, which doesn't work, because it's not that part of them. But the actually,

okay, these people need to put away all the knives that they have out. Yup. Like if you're in plots, like, Joe, don't have them out. Just put them in like a locker or something. Go hang out in a ball pit and that watch that which is fucked. But he's like, I don't understand. How did the witch manage to put those stabby curse on me? And their assistant is like, yeah, the totem must be hidden somewhere.

And then the camera pans over to the most haunted and dead flowers. Oh my God. Yeah. The assistant. And by the way, we have at three different points in the script, all three of us have the like, wait, who the fuck is this guy again? Like the assistant just kind of like disappears for half an hour to stretch and then shows back up to like, well, you know, my air amic is kind of rusty, but whatever. And here he's needed in this stretch to have brought in a vase full of black flowers. I mean, like hot topic, got black flowers that like, you know, it's like, well, you know, somebody sent these over when you were in the hospital and you're like, dude, you, you, you work for two trained demonologists and you thought the black phase with the black roses was the one to bring us. There's green smoke coming off of them.

You brought that in. There's literal green smoke at his performance review. They're like, okay, so first of all, coffee runs were always enthusiastic and great. Second of all, you did bring a witch totem into the office. So yeah, that's what we find out here. The witch totem is inside the vase. So just to be clear, Ed was lowering himself onto the vase. Right.

Yeah, he must have hovered over the vase at some point. Femons go up. Exactly. Yeah. So the next morning, the Stubi gang are all trying to figure out who the witch demon lady is. Okay. They have a chalkboard here, like you're figuring something out. It's fucking amazing.

Okay. It's just pictures of the like four people in the plot with arrows going from one to the other. Like here's someone to the demon went from here to here. And then they have it like a pyramid scheme or like a like a Rico chart. And at the very top, there's no picture. It just says, with. Oh my God.

This scene absolutely needs a montage, right? But sadly, they already blew their montage music budget on blondies call me so You could have you could have gotten Jimmy Jameson to work cheap. I Good authority nope. Yeah, they're very clear like all right. Well, we got to read through all our paperwork Probably as a month-tot fuck. We already know. Can't use it. Blondie. Oh. One line that's said in this scene

that I loved so much is Satanist power is strongest at night. Yeah. Which night? It's not always night on the planet or even at the same time. No, I did. Go to Australia and you fuck up the witches whole day night schedule.

That was like on a, there's an episode of philosophers in space that we were talking about like bad 50 sci-fi and one of them has the line like, I forgot it was springtime back on earth. But yeah, the name of this movie now is find the witch. Yeah, satist, which by the way, it's not going to be revealed that it's a character we've met, which would make sense, right? If it turns out it's Arnie's girlfriend or even the little boy's mom, you're like, okay, I get it. That's connected to the plot.

She is truly madly, deeply just some lady who decided to curse just some kids. Some kids, right? Because chaos is her nectar. So back at the house, Ed and who the fuck are you guy are looking through the file? And my friends, this is one of the most masterfully bad scenes in the movie because what they're going for is they triangulate where the killer is based on where his kills are. But they're too stupid to write that scene. So they're like, all right, one guy killed in Alan town, New York, then 14 people killed in this teeny tiny circle, which is very obviously this town.

And Ed checks the file and he goes, wait a second, she brought it home from college. Move the pin over. This is the dialogue here is truly like 1960s Adam West Batman levels of logical leaps, right? It's like, it's like, demon that rhymes with lemon. That's how I pronounce lemon. Lemons are sour. Okay. Sour things make you pucker your lips, which is the way we used to do it in Connecticut. Yeah. I don't know. Wait, you said Lehman brothers? Yeah, brothers is an investment bank. Bear, Sterns, bear. It's a bear. Yeah, they have

no idea what they're talking about. Yeah. So while they're doing that, Lorraine is visiting Father Casner. Now, Father Casner, he's the creepy priest who was kind of decomposing that we met earlier, who has the room full of evil stuff. So she checks in to see if he has any more things that are relevant to the plot. And he does. He does. Professor Axe Mockenad, can we, uh, this is where he revealed that the curse needs three victims to be complete, the child, the lover, and a man of God. But they already didn't succeed with the child, the child lived. So it's, it's over.

Also Ed is a man of God. Now he's a fucking psychic investigator. Short of no illusions. That's about as far from man of God as you can get. Yep. But since she asked the right questions, he would like to invite her back to the base, back into the basement for even more story. And that, that's when he runs away. Super guest. Yes. So so Lorraine is like father, father, father, you walked really fast to get ahead of me. You're already in the evil basement. I don't, uh, okay. Okay. Based on the staging of the next couple scenes, the father is like, I have something to show you. Fucking spritz down the stairs sits at his desk in his little lair full of evil black magic

ship and then turns out all the lights so that when she comes downstairs he could turn on the lights and be like hello. Hello. I was so, I was a bit here the whole time. My chair's not spinning. It's not a spinner. I thought I could do that too. He's screeching it along the floor

Hey, you want to just stand up and spin around maybe you just stand up and do a spin? No No, he's got a photo album to show her though and that photo album is this is my daughter I have a photo of her go. Okay. Go on. I raised her in my basement full of Satan magic Sure that checks in retrospect Not a great idea raised her in my basement full of Satan magic. Sure. That checks. In retrospect, not a great idea. Yeah. He says, my wife died at childbirth, so I had to keep it a secret.

So I have now a secret basement child that I haven't told you about yet. Why would you have to keep that a secret? I don't understand any logic. But why wouldn't he have revealed this before? His daughter is the Satan The logic is only like well, you know, it's the third act. You've met all the other character We're not introduced like a new character. Are you kidding me? So my process of elimination this kind of had to come from you, right? Yeah, and he like half apologizes because he's like,

yeah, so you know, I do have this evil basement of Satan magic stuff. And you know, you get obsessed with something and kind of your kid ends up doing it. And like, ah, so, ah, all right, bottom line, my kid is the way a two is evil and causing all of this. Yeah, and it's not like, by the way, I know her weakness. I know where she is.

I know how to help you. He's just like, hey, this is obviously my kid's work. I don't want to be that guy, but I actually have one of her totems up on the fridge and I was like, that is my kid. Yeah. So it is my kid. Also, best worst accidental metaphor here. The religion problem is just like the gun problem. Like, they did this earlier when he was like, I like to, you know, take the guns off the streets, but then have him here. So like, yeah, his evil religion does that too. Yes. Yeah.

Only if his daughter had shot herself in the face with a witch, don't have with the metaphor be more appropriate. Okay. So meanwhile, over at the jail, the prison preacher is doing his best magic to keep Arnie from killing himself or or add. It's unclear, but he does have one piece of useful information to her, which is that, um, he does have underground Satan tunnels. He knows about your wife, the non shalons with which she's like, oh, yeah, the tunnels under the evil. It were, wait, just to be clear, we're in a basement,

right? We went down the stairs. It's badly lit. clear, we're in a basement, right? We went down the stairs, it's badly lit. You're saying there's a basement under that basement, got it? Yeah, he explains and then like runs right through it into his next ticket. He's like, hold on, you say you have a dedicated system of evil totem tunnels under this right now. Yes, he does. But I also want to show you my board game collection. I don't know if you've ever played a zoole. It's a lot of fun. People, it's really those pieces look beautiful. Oh, no, you want to talk about the murder tunnels Okay, yeah, so she she runs away But now the witch is here his daughter as it turns out is in the

Basement or maybe the tunnel system they're connected. I guess not clear at all Right, so she's somewhere in there and then she actually shows up in his little office area. Yeah, like, let me switch off my lamp and turn it back on. Fuck. That's twice I tried to do a dramatic spin. I'm not doing it. Really not being impactful with my hello's today. There's a line.

She says to her before she superspeeds behind him and slits his throat, that is the movie I want to watch, where he says, and he, I thought to you, what just here to see me, which implies that there is an unshot scene where which Satan daughter shows up and like, hey, dad, I was just in town wanted to see you. Check out the underground, Satan tunnels. Really? You want to go to Old Buffet? I, I, I do, but that's, I feel like you hate me, right? From the, because the evil basement. Oh, I mean, I, I say because of the St. Magic. I mean, you know, can you ever really hate anyone?

Hey, by the way, if anyone asks if there's a Saint in which around, just don't mention you, okay? There it is. I feel like you're setting something up here. So she super speed kills her dad. I mean, we cannot pause too lightly over the, I mean, the flash power. She like, runs behind him, quick slices his throat. Again, this power is like the Superman three logo wrapping you up thing., would be super useful, never shows up again ever. But like, remember, her main antagonist at this point is Sidney Powell kind of walking through

dark tunnels. Like if you're the fucking flash, I feel pretty confident that you can take out Sidney Powell. Like that's not going to be a problem. You think, okay, speaking of Sidney Powell walking through dark tunnels, this is my favorite part. Oh yeah. Oh, is searching around trying to, I don't know, do detective work on these evil tunnels. And she comes across the big room of the altar that's been doing this spell the whole time. She's been seeing the visions of this when she goes into doodly do world. So she's like,

oh, this is it. And it's this really big table with all the stuff on it with the matches and the incense and the big goblet of evil, whatever. So she remembers from before, okay, we just have to destroy this alter to win act three. That was in that book written in Aramaic. So she tries to flip this table over like a board game, but it's enormous. It's way too heavy. And she's just like, I can't, I can't flip it. Words cannot express dear podcast listener. How long our protagonist is foiled by a heavy desk. So much screen time.

More screen time is spent on this heavy desk than is spent on why the way might want to curse random neighborhood farmers. But just break the stuff on top, break this magic goblet and stuff and the magic items. What is there a rule that you have to flip the table? There is no, she doesn't like try fucking up the stuff on the desk first. Oh no, no, it's flip or GTF. Can we point out that while she is like, yeah, you know, struggling against her for like eight minutes, the witch is like, hey, remember in that last scene where I broke the speed of sound to now great time to walk dramatically like, oh, can you, can you hear my high heels?

They're making the clip clop noise like I'm closing it. How are you doing that? It's a dirt haul. I feel like she got pulled into Satan's office. Yeah, and he was like, hey, uh, were you using super speed? Because we're trying to go for like a creepy demonic thing. I'm just gonna need you to go extra slow for the rest of the night. I was trying to build a moment. Is it not? Okay. That this was like a fast zombies versus slow zombies kind of thing. Okay. Yeah. So Ed now pulls up outside. Why? Oh, fuck yourself. I have to every scene, every item that flows from the next for the next five minutes is legitimately hilarious from this point out. Right? Like, beginning really funny movie. This is a very funny movie. Yup, it's a good comedy.

Beginning with, there's a back door into the secret tunnel, same tubes. Like, there's a delivery entrance. Like, seriously, he pulls up and he's like, steps out of the car and he's like, oh, there's delivery entrance right here. This is perfect. So I'll just smash the lock on this

and I'll be into the evil tunnel network. Great. I really wanted to watch the scene from the city where the witch is like, seriously, I have to put a second exit in the city's like, yeah, lady, if you want permit for your murder tunnels, you need two exits, right? One that is fire. She's like, ah, fire so much paper work. I just want to kill some local farmers, Jesus.

I mean, not Jesus Satan. Damn it. I always do that. I mean, not Jesus Satan. God. Damn it. I always do that. So now the witch who has had super strength to burst open doors, the ability to raise the dead, super speed and a knife is going to wrestle with Sidney Powell a little bit, which

is my favorite moment in the movie because this is where Sidney Powell slash Lorraine hits her in the head with the rock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're doing the saving private Ryan. I'm slowly lowering a knife onto you thing. And then she just answered the rock. It's a it's a di eyeballing, right?

Like she's she's wiggling the knife around in like a circular motion. And it's like I'm about to cut that eyeball out. Yeah. That's sure enough. Picks up a rock and like George Foreman at 48 fighting Evander Holyfield like clumps it into the side of the head of the witch. It's, it is, I cannot tell you how hysterical it is. It's, it's the second funniest thing in these three minutes. And look, she does the villain thing where she touches her temple and she's like, huh, blood, because that's what villains have to do. Just once I want a horror movie for the villain to be like, ow, fuck, oh, ow, break my head.

Ow, it's right in my head. Put a cat my eye with that. What are you doing? But now my friends, it is time to win Heath and Rice. Love and affection for all time and all the turns out. The greatest. So Ed has broken into the tunnels. Sidney Bell just smashed the witch. Ed shows up and he's like, Oh, hey, Lorraine, cool. Great. Turns out Lorraine is the witch actually, right? The witch is somehow disguised yourself. Yeah. And then, and then, so it's the witch,

and the witch goes, oh, hey, Ed, how you doing? Pocket sand. I ask you, it's fucking sand, my friends. Literally pocket sand. It's a witch. So that witch at the beginning of this day was like, all right, I've got all my hexes. I've got a knife.

I've got this. I've got you know what? Gonna fill up on these pockets with sand or also this she's doing her Satan training, right? B.L. Zabab rise from a pile of black goo made of baby bug. And he's like, okay, today we're learning pockets. Sam.

This is great for pretty much all hand-to-hand combat situations You might get into it We're doing pockets and in risk control today. That's just just stuff to have. I was gonna say she might as well do risk control or step on his insult Yeah, so I think Ed turns into a demon now. I have no idea. Oh, maybe the pockets and was also demon-based. Yeah, so I think Ed turns into a demon now. I have no idea. Oh, maybe the pocket sand was also demon-based somehow. It is magic sand. Yeah. Okay.

So Ed's a demon now and he's the less giant sledge hammer that he broke in with and he just starts swinging wildly at everything in his area. I am. But he's blinded by fucking. It's breaking everything. It is fantastic. Now first, I wish they would have used some of that montage

money for Peter Gabriel's sledgehammer right here. Like that would have just been perfect with the theme of the movie. But second, like, I don't know if you guys have ever swung a sledgehammer before, but like, yeah, me too, like, and it's, and it's fun. And like, you can put a hole in stuff, but like, he swings it and like, everything it touches, right? A hole. A whole set of explodes.

Yeah. It's so great. Oh, it is a rocket launcher slash sledgehammer. Yeah. So he is just to be clear, attacking Lorraine with a sledgehammer. And I don't know what saint, what angel made them choreograph this scene for 27 minutes, but it is some of the funniest footage ever. It's so I could not stop laughing.

He's swinging wildly with it like imagine Eli Bosnick has a giant hammer. He's somehow on fire and just became a demon. And now we get to watch whatever physically happens for like a half an hour. The actress runs out of ways to say Ed, right? She's like, Ed, no smash, Ed, no smash. All right, seriously, Ed, smash. Ed word, I don't know. But luckily she knows the cure for demon pocket sand, which is.

Remember our first date in the gizmo? Can we do it? We do back to like an hour in this movie. Yeah. But that's it. She's like, remember the gazebo and he's like, I do remember the gazebo. We totally did have a petting and then he wakes up from his witch curse. And luckily,

again, very luckily, they happened. They're little like hammer fight. It has taken them exactly to the witch's table that she couldn't push over earlier. So now we add sledge hammers, the table and the curse is we're okay. That's it. It is. The only thing I have to point out about this scene that I love is they break it and then the witch shows up and they're like, oh, right, fuck, witch with superpowers still here. But because they need the movie to end, apparently the demon is like done with her.

So the demon comes and like takes it in the principal's office of hell. Yeah. She does the like contorting her body like the bonitis guy from Futurama. Like this is, I mind you, it is replete with the same like kind of like crunching potato chip sound effects. We've seen, we haven't talked about it about like three or four of the characters have done this, but it's not just like the exorcist, it's not the head spinning around. It is, you watch like the fingers like bend back into curly cues. If you've seen that episode of Futurama, like you will laugh your ass off here. Yeah, the witch walks up to them and they're like, ah, your curse is broken.

We smash your table and she's like, yeah, well, I mean, I'm still going to kill you. I have like, I have super speed. I'm going to kill you. And then it was just that I know where the movie realizing, oh, yeah, that's right. So we have to have all our bones start breaking now. Yeah. And then that different, yeah, was it like a higher ranking witch boss? Just teleports over to the regional state. Yeah. Like some sort of corporate structure of witches and this witch has to be like, yeah, your decommissioned, you have no bones. There you go. Yeah, we literally get a Satanis X-Mocky. Yeah. So they, they crawl out of the evil tunnels of the witch and this is such a nothing seen.

I just loved it so much. He's like, Oh, I forgot my heart pills. And she's like, I keep one inside my locket. Except this was never a step. No, he's not even having a heart attack. It's just like an extra thing they added into the movie. I wanted it to be the wrong pill though. Like that's really a decade. She's kept that one pill. I wanted to be like, fuck wait, that was Molly from the

other night. Okay. You know what? Whatever, fun night at the hospital. Let's do it. Let's go. Let's spit half out. I want half. Cheater. All right. So now we watch Arnie get convicted of murder because that's what he did, right? Right. So this is actually happening. We're actually watching this court case. And it's so good. The, you know, everybody, please rise. We have a verdict from the jury. And I wanted to be like, okay, yeah, I did definitely murder somebody, but I just want to point out that Van Morrison brand new day is playing. So, you know, you guys all year that, right? Yeah. Not guilty, right? Obviously, Van Morrison.

But yeah, this is where the title card lets us know he's guilty and he got sentenced to 20 years. No, he got, he's, well, he's, he got sentenced, but only served five. Yeah. Yeah, the title card says that he spent five years in prison, but he was sentenced to 20. He was let out by those, you know, soft on crime liberals. But he was charged with manslaughter. Is that correct? I mean, it just, it feels like murder was what he did based on what I saw. And I think the actual history of this. Yeah, so I was confused by this. And I did some hunting around on Wikipedia. Wikipedia seems to think there was more fighting going on than just like stabby stabbing.

So maybe that's why he got a reduced sentence or maybe the judge believed in demons. I don't know. Maybe he went over to dinner with that. I thought what they were kind of saying in the movie was like, okay, well, it's not murder. If a demon makes you do it is the title of our movie It's Man's Lotter. The, you will only serve two decades for this slightly lesser felony makes a, a weirder subtitle.

But, yeah, look, look, first degree man's lotter is still pretty serious shit, right? Like it's, yeah. So, and Eli is exactly right. That, you know, the reason that that's the charge that you would go for as the prosecutor is that the defense testimony is going to be like we were fighting, they're like wrestling around and like there was not, I did not have the specific intent to stab this guy, right? So I did have the specific intent to do him grievous bodily harm, but that was offset by the fact that he's punching me in stuff.

So also demon so minus also 15 also demons. Sorry, I made the mistake of saying what a same person would say, right? Right. But again, you got to remember that Arnie never went with the demon defense. That's just and in the range just stood outside of the courthouse being like, you should totally use our demon defense and the movie's been like, I mean, he meant it in his heart. He wanted to use the demon defense in his heart. So yeah, that's it. There he, uh, oh, we would need to wrap up the very important thing that we mentioned earlier. Then and surprise is Lorraine with the gazebo.

Sure. Right. Yeah. And then they kiss not in the gazebo. They just got the gazebo. I know. I thought it'd be so much. It was right there. Thank you. Thank you. He's, and then they kiss not in the I know they just got the father to be so much. It was right there. Thank you. Thank you, he's And we're gonna end the movie with, you know, because they always do like a based on a true story and Ed and Lorraine

were on the news and TV all the time. So they have the world's shortest clip of some news guy going, hey, isn't it literally impossible to enforce any law if a guy can just say the devil made me do it. Hard cut end of movie. Yep, I thought the movie was going to answer its own question. No, the movie is like, fuck, that does fuck up our entire movie ancestors. You'll have to find out in the conjuring for the end, the end. Yeah. Yeah. Bob. Cut, bookbop.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's the movie. So important question before I wrap it up. What is the devil going to make you guys do any good plans for that? I mean, you see my clients. So I kind of feel like the devil's already won this one. Yeah. There. And for me, Andrew is still going over the contract. I've got a subsidiary shell soul that we're doing this whole. It's very complicated, but I'm excited. I'm excited. Okay. Maybe next week's movie, fractional soul marketing. Just wait. It's gonna be huge. I've got a number, Eli. One, two or three. Are you magic? You have to tell me it's like being a cop. Wait, it's up

to me to say show me your deck. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Well, that's going to do it for a review of the conjuring, the devil made me do it, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found some more bad art on the internet. So Eli, what's on deck? Well, Heath, as you know, one of the best were series we've covered here on God-O-Fall movies is the encounter movies where in Bruce Marciano goes around passive aggressively helping people. So when we learned that the pureflix original, the encounter TV show had hit the airwaves show about this guy. We had to check it out. So we'll be watching the encounter the television show episode one. All right. Well, with that to look forward to,

we're going to have a episode 304 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Andrew for joining us. Anything you want to plug anything important you're doing, people could hear more Andrew, more Thomas, maybe, what do you do? Nope. All right. Modest. And of course, a big thanks. Let's go opening arguments if you don't. It's great.

Oh, this week's episode was so good about the Joe Biden gay people that I was wrong about that too. I retweeted it and then I deleted my tweet after I listened to opening our gift. Well, thank you. John Q. sack is still wrong about it. No thing I can. Well, thank you. John Q.Sac is still wrong about it. So there we go. Yeah, everybody wins. I love, I love him so much too.

Anyway, I fidelity is so fucking good. As John Q.Sac, I'm going to retweet your show and you're going to be like, that's true. He did, he retweeted us out. He doesn't understand the real, but it's fine. You know, it's cool. Yeah. All right. And of course, let's also have a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And then I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out by leaving us good reviews. And by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citatio Needed, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodOffalMoviesatgmail.com,

legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P, Andrew, Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Evil Drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Andrew Torres, an Eli Bosnick, I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard, turn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Animal House close.

The adorable little boy, David, and his other brother who doesn't appear in this movie for reasons you're about to understand when I get to the end of the sentence literally sued the guy who wrote the book this movie was based on for defamation and intentional inflection of emotional distress. And I realized that's more sideways than future for the animal house close, but I thought like you needed to know. Works. Important stuff to know, yes.

Bruno's family is working on some really fun manslaughter ideas there. Ed and Lorraine Warren went on to set up a three-shell game in conjuring four, The P is haunted, or something. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021 all rights reserved.