God Awful Movies - 308: After School

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

This week, Thomas Smith joins us for an atheist review of After School, the most boobtastic film in the history of God Awful Movies - and I'm gonna go ahead and put my chips down, the most boobtastic film in the future of the show as well. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Check out more from Thomas on Opening Arguments or Serious Inquiries Only or Philosophers in Space.

And he says why do you suppose that monkey would wake up one day and decide to evolve into a man? Oh, I don't know maybe because that isn't the fuck out of work. He might as well challenge the monkey to spell evolution and then the El Chakmate. Must've been so awkward for that first monkey though that's like, I'm having a human. It's like, all my friends are monkeys now. Do I still like fuck my monkey wife? What do I do?

Like this is really awkward. I should've agreed to do it at the same time. Yeah. So that's how it feels. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be yesterday is like acknowledging my existence in any way when I'm not on the episode apparently, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm a fantastic Noah. And do you know why? I think I have a clue, but why don't you tell me because you are back on the podcast. That's why I know a legend. I thought it was going to be because we watched a movie full of boobs. Okay, we'll get to that though, but also joining us tonight sitting 2400 miles to my west, northwest, just the opening arguments podcast, serious inquiries only. The comedy shoes, shite and philosophers in space. Thomas Smith, Thomas. Welcome back, sir.

Boobs. There we go. There were boobs. Boy, what? This was it my birthday. I can't believe that you invite me on to, I wouldn't, you guys invite me on to watch a movie, you know, I have to go through a mental process.

I like, okay, I gotta watch a religious crap thing that's gonna be awful and embarrassing. And like I can't even, the third person cringe, I had, you know, just like the second- I had cringe, I had, but this was like, all of a sudden there's boobs, I was like, boobs, what the, this might be the best movie you've ever had me. Well, so here's my theory.

I think because Eli had to do the show without me or he's last week and he never wants that to happen again. So this is my first one back in a while. He's like, remember, remember, no, it's all boobs. It's tight asses and G strings all the time. Yeah, remember unbelievable. So any short shorts and boobs, that's our show. Yeah, hell yeah, man.

So speaking of which, tell us Thomas, what will we be breaking down today? We are breaking down a movie confusingly called after school almost perversely called this whole time. I'm sitting here thinking I'm embracing for when you guys are going to tell me I'm an idiot because there's some obvious pun or religious Connitation or Deeper meaning and what am I missing? It's just named after when a couple of the scenes happen. Is that is that it?

Is that all well cuz then he leaves maybe he leaves the school and then the maybe it's maybe it's based on when he should have actually started dating his students. Yeah, that's there you go. I mean, like I don't, I just don't, I'm confused. Like if the godfather were named like wedding reception, you'd be like, yeah, okay, I guess. I mean, there was one, but what is that the movie? Like is that what it is? Oh, that is actually the movie.

No, it is not seem like 56 minutes long. Anyway, anyway, okay. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the unscramble soft core porn of your cousin satellite TV, but you wish someone would splice it with every two hour long YouTube video of Jordan Peterson, you're not going to watch. You will love this movie. It's every time a guy has ever said to me, I don't have a philosophy degree per se, the movie. It was like porn that you really had to work for in a sense. Yeah. Yeah. First off, how dare you because that's all of my podcast basically. You're entirely correct. There's no lies to tell you.

Every time other than and top. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'll go for best worst prehistoric haircare. Okay. All right. I love this. When you get to watch a movie depict prehistoric times, they cannot, listen to me, they cannot

escape the decade they're in. So whatever they do in the prehistoric times, they just always, okay, it's naked people basically with some loincloths, some loincloth G strings that are really creative. I love those. But also the hair is 80s hair. It's like 1989 here. They can't escape it. It's so amazing that they can't just be like, yeah, but they wouldn't,

you understand Neanderthals or whatever, they wouldn't have had their blown out hair. They wouldn't be able to fethers their mullets back then. One of the women has amazing eyeliner on. It's like, you know, I don't think the Neanderthals did that. I could be wrong. Some scientists will be like, well, actually, they

burnt charcoal and rubbed in their eyeballs or something. I'll be like, okay. Yeah, but that's not what she had going on. No. Yeah. Very precise work. A lot of post-pubescent grooming going on on these cave women too.

Yeah. Not a lot of bushes. No. So I'm going to go with, God, everybody's going to be so fucking confused as to what the hell kind of movie we're about to watch. I really did say anything about my fault. But I'm going to go with best worst studying because in addition to caveman boob scenes,

we're also going to get this other boring ass story that involves a guy studying for something, the entire movie. And then when that thing comes up, he has no idea what it's even about. What the fuck were you studying? I mean, we'll get there eventually, but Jesus Christ, you're bad in this man. Are you just imagining a little dude running across the top of the letters? Because sometimes I did that when they made me read in school, I get it. But sometimes I did that when they made me read in school, I get it. But still. I never thought we would beat the debate performance in whatever that movie is.

Yes. Where the guy cried and yelled at his opponent. But we do. After school does a worse job. Yep. And I'm going to get a little meta here. And I'm going to go with best words. That was my debate with Sargon by the way.

Yeah. I did it. Exactly. Fair. It's not fair for you to bring that up right now, but I'm going to get a little meta and I'm going to go with best worst heath notes in the cam calendar. So listen, step behind the beaded calendar. For the first however many years of our podcast, I chose and arranged all of the movies, right? If no,, he found one, they'd be like, oh, this looks really good. And they passed along. But generally like this was the little

back end thing that I did because they do. And I put this mildly all the other work on all of our other shows. So least I could do is be like, we're watching this next week. And this year, he's been throwing in the occasional suggestion or two. He's done a fantastic job of it. But the description he has on this movie will haunt me for the rest of my natural life. He describes this movie in our back end calendar as, quote, the God's not dead of 1988. Wow. There are only two possibilities.

One, he was vaguely aware something about a debate about God and that's why he put it in there. Or two, he thread a deep and passionate love story in the original God's heart. Between Kevin Sorbo and that other character. Between that kid that no one else did. Yeah. Oh, and I just want to go back for listeners. The debate that Eli was referring to

was the debate between Harry Anderson and a weeping, weeping Christian gentleman in the movie A Matter of Faith. I don't remember the episode. A matter of faith, yes. I had to look it up because I thought the exact same thing. I thought, my God, we finally got a worst debate than a matter of faith.

All right, well, so you know, we've got a strange combination of nudity and boredom to deal with on the other side of the break. So we're going to take a minute to strategize. When we come back, we'll dive into all the gratuity that is after school. So psyched that you're coming to hang out with us at the pajama party, Thomas. Yeah, man, wouldn't miss it. So did he send you everything? Uh, no, what, what would he send me?

I your, your gas mask or smelling salts. Uh, uh, no, I didn't get any of that. Oh, dude, you're going to be in a house with Eli in the New Jersey summer heat. You're going to die a swamp ass exposure. Uh, well, come on, Noah, how bad could it be? How bad could it be? Do last year he woke up with a Floridian rum runner fan boating and all of that. Wow.

Well, I mean, why don't you just try a Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment? What's a Hello Tushy 3.0 modern bidet attachment? It's a stylish eco-friendly, refreshing little shower for your ass. Hello Tushy 3.0, clean soggy butts like a champ, but it doesn't stop there. It cleans itself with a smart spray, automatic self-cleaning nozzle. I don't know, Thomas. We already had to install that splashback toilet seat form. Is this going to be like a big plumbing and electrical job? No. Hello, Tushy Badei attaches to your existing toilet with no electricity or extra plumbing

needed and Hello Tushy cuts toilet paper used by 80%. So it'll pay for itself in a few months. Damn, that sounds good. Where do I try it? Defeat Swamp Ass. Go to HelloTushy.com slash awful to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners at HelloTushy.com slash awful for 10% off. All right, Thomas. luck a' now. Uh, can I come in for the record now? Are you wearing your fish bowl pants?

Yes. Really? No. Then no. Is fish bowl pants? Yeah, they contain the swamp ass. Hmm, okay, cool, got it. Okay guys, it's time to write our movie after school.

Okay. Alright, so what if like, instead of God making man, man create a God? Whoa. Dude, that's like smart and deep and interesting sure Totally but like also it should be a love story about like Forbidden love Between like a priest and a young woman or or a teacher and a student. Guys, guys, it can be both.

Wow. You're so good at making movies. But guys, there's one thing this love story, slash philosophical discussion of God is missing. Boops. Yeah, totally needs to be. Oh, wait, wait, hear me out. Got another vision

Unrelated caveman flashbacks dude. Yes. This is such a great decade so good for art And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with some of those fine, fine 80s movie logos. Oh yeah, movie store entertainment everybody. But like we had animation back then. I'm such. Ah, just couldn't make it happen. Couldn't make it happen. And I just look after I watched this movie, I had to go on a like true detective ask manhood.

For like, what is this? What is this? I know. What's so funny is that just setting this up, I did a little research into the writer and director. As far as I can tell, they were being down to earth to just do this

and then never be heard from again. Like, I mean, there's a couple other credits, but like they've got to be fake. The director, this is great. The director did one called, the director did like three movies, I think, total that are even listed. One of them is getting it on.

I have to read this description. Well, please do. It was amazing. 18 and his buddy make a hidden camera videos of his next door neighbor and other girls. Like, so that's what, that's the talent they want to bring in for directs. Six times. Yeah, they're like, well, he's the director for us. We need that kind of keen eye.

Yeah. But that director, that's all he did. And then like two other movies, this is one of them. And the other one is his magnum opus, I think he'd say probably, which is one he wrote, directed, and produced called Rock and Road Trip, which has a plot summary that doesn't shed any more light on the movie than the title. It's literally like, yeah, no, they go on a road trip.

Rock, trip and it's rock music. It's rock music. And so I'm like, well, is it the writer? Is the writer a religious guy? What is that? So I look up the writer, and the only other thing is, this is my favorite of all of them.

They wrote, shockma. The description is, we gotta do this movie next. Students are trapped with a testy baboon while playing a fantasy game in a research building. Oh, yes, we do. Look, not often do I do a bunch like some amount of research and I'm more confused. I haven't even answered as to what, how, where did this, how did this happen? Oh my God. So I just want to be clear here, because when we're talking about the directorial history

of the great William Olson, I don't think we need, I don't think it's fair to leave off the next movie he did after this one eight years later, which was titled Mastering the Theraman. So, this movie is like an obelisk that was left on the moon or whatever. Yeah, we just they let some aliens left us this movie and then just left and we're like, I don't know what to make of it. So anyway, okay, great transition by the way.

So much like the obelisk on the moon scene here, we're going to get the, we're going to start off with early man in this movie. We start off with a jungle and the laziest goddamn deandrethal monkey suit is just a dude in blackface wearing a gorilla mask, right? Yeah. It's a very confusing version of problematic Christian ideas. You got some wrong about evolution in there. You got some racism. There's a little bit of touch of everything. Yeah. Now we got the very confusing title after school plastered on a shot that was like the beginning of Lion King. It was like deep in the Sahara.

You're like after school, how far after school would talk to you? How did we loop all the way around in time that we're after school got nuked off the face of the year. It could have been honestly that could it, that would have made more sense. And they're like, it shows like an old school building, like in ruins, you know, in the dirt. And there's just like some monkey, my filthy monkey men from which we descended, digging around.

You bastards, you did it. I had a similar moment of confusion because I'm watching these cavemen walk through the jungle. And then the credits say, dick cavities himself himself and I was like, oh, right? Same note, same note. And by the way, I have a music note I have to share. If you guys watch this, it is on YouTube, but I'll note, I paid or I signed up for free trial on Amazon of some bullshit to watch it on Amazon because the quality is better.

So do that. Oh, really? Especially when the boobs come in. It's better, better quality boobs. Anyway, the music note right here is great courses course on constitutional law that only Andrew Torres watched. My music note is you can't stop dicking around on that organ. We need to make music for the movie. Yeah. My music note was mastering the Theraman by William. But yeah, but very quickly the the monkeys, the filthy monkey men evolve into prehistoric white folk like.

Yeah. Quick few years there. Yeah. And this is where the boobs start. Like we get pretty serious boob right off the bat. Yeah. I wrote my nose. I'm like evolution and boobs in the opening three minutes.

This movie doesn't fucking count. We have to start a separate RSS feed for this. People are going to be confused. This is where I just in my notes, it's just like paragraphs of like, I can't believe. I'm just, my brain couldn't accept that I got to see boobs in game. It just what, you know, when you're just, you're not expecting a thing and a thing. Like it just, you see someone in, you know, you're just you're not expecting a thing and a thing like it just you see someone in You know, you travel to another country and you run into somebody that you know from home somehow in a weird quince

It was like that. I was just like this can't be happening and so I have a lot of scribbles in my notes about that But eventually I coped yeah my only other note is not a phone insight just splashing each other naked in a river like Yeah, we have very boob full splash Mike, because just as you're thinking, because we're seeing cave people, right? And that was the excuse to have all the women topless. They're all wearing little, little G strings like they did back then. And everybody starts splashing water on each other. I'm like, okay, this was already gratuitous.

And then you started to splash. I know, they're prehistoric, they're not children. Like, you know, like I'm, but I also love the bet. We got to talk about the prehistoric G-strings because I just love that like, the women were like, well, it's prehistoric times that I'm naked, but also I don't want people to see my pantyline in my jeans that I don't wear.

This is not, like, okay, cool. Make sense. Yeah. I'm so fair. Just watching. Also, I have to talk about our main character who I will call caveman Heath throughout the movie because what the director obviously wrote in the script was the cave people have a playful splash fight. This cave girl splashes caveman. Heath wants and he's like, murder you with water. You like? See now I have that character down as cave mullet the entire time. I don't know that I'm going to be able to cave mullet's pretty good too. I know. We're too much anything else. It's also just priest or caveman lawyer from, you know, the Saturn and life sketch that we. Yeah, except for a good, a good feathered meagai

from mullet going on. Yeah. So but then we cut immediately from prehistoric, boob full splash fight to do it on a motorcycle. I don't mind saying I'm all the way lost already. Yep. And hey, podcast listener, let me do you a favor. Don't look for connections between these caveman notes and the movie that is inter spliced with them. I spent most of my notes and I'm going to go ahead and say most of my life trying to figure out what the fuck these two movies had to do with each other. The answer is nothing, but if you ever want to travel deep, deep inside my subconscious, you can read my notes.

Oh, contraire, there is actually a reason at the end sort of technically, but yeah, but the real reason is that William Olson is not going to do a movie unless there's topless women running around. I haven't seen mastering the theorem, but I assume it's taught by topless women based on this film. First shot or there's just random boobs in a theorem. Yeah, or there's just random caveman scenes. Oh my God.

Yeah, I feel like we missed a few million, zillion years in the shot there. And it's not like, you know, in scene Oh Man, which is a great movie for bud childhood around this exact time when they are like establishing like, oh yeah, and then these, these, you know, monkey people were frozen in the show. Yeah, right.

And show up. And like the way the cut is, you're like, did cave frozen in the show. Right. And show up. And like the way the cut is you're like, did cave mallet just wake up on a motorcycle like you got frozen on a motorcycle? I guess I don't. He just does the cave man thing on the weekends. Is it exercising? So yeah, but so we get this dude on a motorcycle. This is going to be our main character.

I have him down as father, biker, because he's going to be a priest eventually. He is a combination of people I never thought I'd say. to be our main character. I have him down as father, biker, because he's going to be a priest eventually. He is a combination of people I never thought I'd say. He is Benedict Cumberbatch and art garfunkel. Okay. Combined into one person is the weirdest thing. Yeah. I had him as Will Farrell being cast to play Sam Weisganchi. So yeah. Also good. I just have him as pedophile biker, but that's what I'm looking for. Yeah, that's plot based though.

That's cheating, David. Right. So he crashes into a convertible disc, just to close up right in front of him. Okay, I got, we got to talk about disaster. I guess we did. The most avoidable accident ever. Yeah.

It shows the essentially helmet cam of what he would be seeing. And it's a car pulling in three miles an hour, merging it to his lights. I just, just go around. It's like the Austin powers like, no, just move, just move out of the way. Just, just, just go around. And then they show him earlier, like, you know, he's speeding, he's going a billion miles an hour. And then they cut to the accident. And he like, coasts in at three miles per hour into her car. It just runs into it God is so good. You might as well say that he parks his bike He like it's the guy puts out the kickstand and like

And I love her reaction because she's like obviously 1,000% at fault and she gets out and she's like, did you fucking see me? You and they did not script this scene. No, I just right. Watch the scene and tell me that they script it because she comes out and you're right. She's like, didn't you see me and everything's mumbled like they don't know what the actual lines of the scene are supposed to be. They're like, I, and there's a lot of silence like there just be like 10 seconds of silence as they're like, well, I don't know. Oh, you hit me. It's really great to start to your film. The only way this scene makes sense is if these two actors actually got into a car crash before the movie started shooting and they decided to adjudicate it as the first

shot. So now, and the woman that he crashes into, this is September, they know each other apparently going into this. And she was on her way to the pool to do it for some diving competition or another. This has nothing to do with anything. This is just an excuse for her to be in a bathing suit most of the time, right? Oh, it's, it's so great because it is really like a passion of hers. It's a, it's a thing that she's clearly practiced. We're about to see her do an expert die from.

A little bit. A little bit. And it is the film does not give a shit. No, no. Like it's so, it's, we'll get back to it, but it's fantastic. But I gotta say the her name being September and us having no fucking idea who these people are, it was great because I didn't know they knew each other they just got in a car accident so he gets up and he's like gosh didn't you see me September and I was like is that a

saying is that like. He said it's September when he says like. Some 80s saying that like you should have seen me in September when you hit took me a long time to realize what's happening there. Well and also so apparently she drove all the way to driving practice, got in her swimsuit and everything for one dive. She would do us one dive and she's leaving. Yeah.

And there's people clapping like I think it's a competition, but also it's not like there are audiences there, very confusing. And she's just like, oh, everybody's diving, I guess I'll just dive. They clap. She goes up, there's a woman with a clipboard. So I'm like, oh, did, did she win? Is she on a, no, she's like, I did a dive now, we didn't know they just know that diving occasionally

involves people clapping and clipboards. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. But the real reason this scene is here is so that we can meet rapy J, her action boyfriend. Woo, man. So this movie is about a teacher who dates his student. So Jay is really doing his best to be the villain of this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a high bar to clear, and he does it, bad boy.

Yeah. He does it. What's great about this movie, and this happens so often in Christian cinema, but just in terrible movies we watch, is this movie was made in 1988. So I'm like, do they know this is bad or is this like a porky thing? Right. And so they make him the villain because they, I guess, sort of know what he's doing is bad, but the behavior is not really any worse than what the, you know, child rapist teacher is doing. So he's bad, but the other guy isn't. The director is like,

we need to make him worse. Can you do some like, I don't know, racist graffiti in the scene? But then there was 1988. That's not even that bad. I'm honestly that bad. Really racist. And then we had to September's religious college. They don't even say that it's a college at the very least. Let me tell you that much. And she is in, argue with the professor about the existence of God class. The professor is, is father biker from before. Okay. Apologies, but I, I cannot figure out what this is. So what, you think

it's a religious college? Because we had a, a bell. We did the typical bell to go into a class. Who has bells that they're calling? Right. My sisters went to Catholic cult school. There's no bells there. Like there's no, even, anyway, and what I love about this is she brings 19 books into the class for her to drop awkwardly. Okay, so like what's going on there? But then the guy is like introducing himself.

So this is the first day of class. He's introducing himself, but we just established that she knows him from the car accident. And also she has all these, but why should she already have all those books on the first day of class? It's just an introduction. What what is happening? Yeah. Every single bit of information contradicts the other bit of information. Well, right, right. Exactly. Also, she's like 30. And and later on she'll reference previous semesters so the only way this makes sense canonically is the only class of temperate takes and the college is arguing me about religion one oh one which is taking now for an eighth time ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Clearly, and here's the class, this is apparently a class in which they examine quote the problems of religion by religion, they only mean Christianity, right?

The existence of other religions will never be acknowledged. So he starts off, he's like, how many of you believe God created us just like we are? How many of you believe that God guided our evolution? And how many of you are filthy fucking atheists and only September raises her hand of like who believes that God had nothing to do with it and is a much bullshit. Yeah, you always want to segregate your class in that way. Exactly.

Exactly. Hi, I'm Mr. Fucking. What's this fucking? Yeah, who do we hate in here? Raise your hand and we should all hate your fucking. Okay. Good first day, right? Good first day.

All right, I don't actually have a sorting hat, but this is the close. Yeah, right. So, and then we get introduced to this movie's ridiculously weird, crazy argument. So we're used to movies not knowing what the atheist arguments are, right? That's how these movies always work.

They give you the very well thought out like the best Christian argument they have. And then the atheist arguments are, right? That's how these movies always work. They give you the very well thought out, like the best Christian argument they have. And then the atheist is just going home and home and home and home and in response, because they don't know what our arguments would be. This is the first time we've seen it where they don't know what either of the arguments would be. Right? Because this guy's just here for the boo.

Yeah. This brings me to my fan theory, these directors who drop down only made three movies and then disappear. What if this is aliens first attempted communication? Is this movie? Yeah. What's great is like, well, we know they like boobs. Right. What's great is this movie, like the last S. Dispercle one we watched, is responding to a very specific,

slightly less Christian form of Christianity that nobody remembers fucking anything about because it's not the year 1988 anymore. So the argument that this movie will have to take on is whether or not God is a creation of man's imagination and is therefore still important. Or if man is a creation of man's imagination and is therefore still important. Or if man is a creation of God's imagination. Yeah. Yeah, it actually the big reveal is that it wasn't an atheist debate all along. That's the, this movie is weirdly, not meant like this movie is weirdly good in a weird way.

I would like, it turns out the whole monkey stuff is a misdirection because the guy at the end of the great debate is still totally religious. And so it becomes the tiny debate between should we be hardcore Catholics or should we just say some nonsense about God and still say we believe and it's very important, but we're not going to do all the bullshit Catholics stuff. That's the only debate in the movie. Weird. Yeah. Well, so the teacher comes back to you know, she says like I think that you know, human is just evolved and then they made up God and he's like, why would somebody create an answer as complicated as God and I'm like, give me a simpler answer. Like seriously, give

me something that's even more intellectually lazy than magic dude in the sky did it. Yeah. First, most boring possible thing you could imagine. Short of Superman, the comic book character, God, the second, the latest written character in fiction. Yeah, he says, why would anyone create such a complex topic? I'm like, I don't know. Well, we only had some history of creating incredibly

concept flex topics to look at all through record time of people creating. What do you mean? You're making this movie. This is the most complicated thing ever. I can't understand what it is. Like it's right still. I don't even know what the debate is about.

Trying to grapple with it. Like we can't create a complex concept. Like God did it. Like you said, it's the simplest fucking concept ever. Anyway. But his, yeah, he's gonna come up with some even dumb arguments before it's all over. But first we have to cut over to these, um, these other two priests.

Oh, yes. This is where we introduced Dick Cavitt, television legend who is, I'm sure very proud to have his name associated with this film. So there's this priest watching Dick Cavitt interviewing some people. He explains to this other priest who, by the way, was in North by Northwest and, and 12-wagry meant is just like, this was North by Northwest and and and 12 A.G. Rement is just like this was his last role. I can only imagine. Yeah. Why? It anyway. So he's explained to this guy that Dick Cavett wants to interview this controversial

author, this like 1988 atheist author guy. He wants to interview him, but he also wants a Catholic priest to like debate him on his show. Yeah. Which they're going to pretend is the plot for a very long time. Very long time. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite thing about this scene is the Mitch mismatch between the actors.

It's delightful. Yeah. Because on one hand, we have the guy who is some sort of actor, as you say, like he's in some stuff. He seems like pretty natural. He's able to embody that character in a natural way. On the other hand, we have a guy who's doing Shakespeare at the fucking globe.

It is fantastic. He is talking, we're in America, and he's talking like grandma of Target. He's trying to write down some dialogue. Just because you got the one guy, he's like, oh yeah, what should we do? And he's like, probably debate the author. We've been instructed by the Vatican that we need to, what are you doing, dude?

Like, what is this? What is this character? Enough, bro. So yeah, so they have this conversation where the one priest is like, well, what about the young debate coach? And he's like, no, too young. And he's like, well, what about the old debate coach? Oh, too old.

Well, what about the guy from the last scene? He's just right. Yeah. Yeah. He apparently wrote a really hip ass article on church hierarchy that the kids are fucking digging these guys. Yes. He goes, well, he does write a motorcycle.

The guy's like, oh, good. That'll get us to under 30. Crap. I think you're going to write it on. Yeah, there's still just see a breeze. He just revs the engine every time the other guy's trying to make a point. Yeah, but that would have worked better than what he does. What he does, yeah, the better debate performance. Yeah. And so they're also like, wow, we better investigate this guy to make sure you know, because because you know that dick cavity, he hires teams of investigators, I think, to check out every guest on his probably daily show that he, anyway, it's silly,

but I love it to the last thing this actor does that I just love the little details. Is he tries to end the scene? He pulls out the video cassette that they've recorded. They just recorded like another episode of dick cavity onon, like Zineven related you know, and he goes, we need to see if there's any problem with this father McCarran. Any points at the cassette as he does that. I'm like, that's not a cassette of father McCarran. That's just an episode of the show you tape. That's nothing to do with anything. What do you? I was very confused. I love it. It's the best. It's actors trying to find ways to do a scene that don't make any fucking sense.

And then this director's like, yeah, whatever. We want to get to the boob part, I don't care. Right, sure, do that, that's fine. Yeah, yeah. And then we just, did you redo our way back to boob lake? Like, honestly, these are the most superfluous boobs in cinematic history, and I know what a big statement that is. Right?

It's amazing. So now this is going to happen over and over again in the movie. We're just going to bounce back to these cave people for a little while and then bounce back to the story just to get our boob fill, I guess. Yeah, I mean, wouldn't you? Yep. Let he who is without sin castors. I feel like these scenes never matter. No, a tease earlier that they are going to relate to the plot and I am so excited for that. But like I never was able to connect these scenes to the main plot of the movie. So I was always like, is it based on the timing of how long the director thinks it's

going to take us to come? Like, we get really close. No, here's probably many times out actually it does. Nine minutes. I don't know. I looked it up. Yeah, I just I don't know. You know, I saw someone say it times out. I mean, I don't know. So, so cavemen find the good berries, hunt some wild boar, have a nice boob full roast. And then we head back to the school. This is where gofer priest, the guy from the last scene that's got to go recruit the main character shows up at the school to fetch father biker for this big dick, cavit debate.

Yeah. And I love because we get the main father biker like jogging. And I just imagine he like jogs into a car and falls out. He's jogging in shorts that would only be qualified as a suppository today. They are. Oh, yes. Hi. They're almost as revealing as the prehistoric G string.

Like, maybe that was the tie-in. I was trying to figure out like, that's a parallel. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. No, but he gets a copy of that of the book from the guy who he's supposed to debate, the book, this debate is going to be all about. And then we show the other pre-show enough at his school to pick him up.

Now, he is still arguing with September about God-guided evolution, almost as though this class is now going on to its 27th hour or something. Damn it, you're all staying here until I can win September that God is real. Okay, so first of all, before we get into how stupid his actual arguments are, and they're amazing. They're some of the worst I've ever heard. Like the thing he's trying to argue for is so fucking stupid. The whole God guided evolution concept, it turns God into such an ineffectual tinkerer

in all of this shit. Like you can't even really say he did the work. He just showed up once in a while and went, what if we put an eye here? Nope. Oh, he loosened it for us though. Yeah, right. He loosened it for us.

Yeah, God is the cooking with a toddler of evolution. You did? You put the blueberries on top. All fucking hunked up in the middle. That's going to be great. Thanks. My equivalent is I pillow fight with my kids because all they want to do, it's the most fun thing to them.

And I whenever one of them hits me, I have to like fly around my day. Yeah. I just got. Oh, you got me. Yeah. So he's arguing against evolution. And he says, I shit you not. This is his actual argument.

He says, what gave the first lizards the idea to fly No, wait, it gets even worse he goes there were no birds to copy I'm sorry Robin could you come down here for a second hiss first of all Nice to meet you I'm a lizard sorry for eating you all those times. You're just sort of flapping. Yeah. Okay. I'll give that a try for a couple of million years. Yeah. That would have worked. That's scientific, according to the sky. Like that was no problem there. But since there wasn't a bird, we have a problem. But there were bugs. I mean, I was bad as this argument. It it still falls apart. Yeah. Yeah.

What it reveals is that whoever made this movie thinks the evolutionary idea of environmental stimuli is like a fish in the water was like, that's a little hot in here. I'm just putting the girl down onto the land. Yep. It's one entity. And they say it with monkeys too. I think he says later, he's like, what gave the monkey the idea to evolve into a human. You're like what do you go one? So that's how it works one of them is just one day

They're like I want to get a job in a mortgage and stuff Like hey, man. Why don't you decide to evolve into a hippo and see how that goes for you? Yeah, you see why that's dumb. I'm just thinking what classes this is this? Is there a guy in the corner being like, this is trigonometry like? Can you, can you, what are we doing? It is a religious university. So yeah, that makes sense. Well, and also just to prove that they don't know how either side of this argument goes,

they go to September, she has to argue back with them. Now, of course, Christianity is so stupid that every argument works, but this is a pretty weak one. She goes, Hey, why would God need a rib to make women? And the priest is like, but there's the bell they have a college. She goes, the college, save by the bell. Oh, so you're admitting that you don't have any fucking responses, very stupid argument. That's not even a good counter argument to your dumb argument. Okay., okay, that's what we're doing.

Yeah. Trig and geometry guy in the corner is like, why does our school have bells? I'm 25, come on, I don't need a bell. And then I love this too, more just inept human, that's the best thing about bad movies, is they can't just do human stuff. Nope, because the guy, the other priest,

has entered the building directly in the teacher's line of sight and is standing, hovering over some of the students. And then after the bell sounds, the priest goes over there and he's like, oh, what a surprise. What do you mean? He's been there the whole fucking time. I was wondering if you would still be here by the time I walked over. Yes. Yeah. So now go for priest, the guy who's there to fetch him. He introduces him to September.

He's like, September is one of my best students, but and I quote, she's a little too skeptical. Damn it, all that thought. Fucking him and thinking. Yeah, go for priest is like, I'm glad to hear your roast again. He and I used to have this kind of inappropriate sexual clenching in the classroom when he was nice to it. Yeah, but then he aged out of it.

Yeah. So yeah, so go for priest and father bike or go to the motorcycle lot place. There's just a, but there's a fucking place where there's a bunch of mechanics just hopping from bike to bike waving wrenches at them like they're casting spells. No, he goes, it's so good. It's so good. Cause in the classroom, they're like, can we talking?

It's like, I know just the place. And I'm thinking like, yeah, there's a fucking teacher's lounge probably next door. Or a bench right there. Maybe they're always taught. Yeah. And they're like, let's walk to a motorcycle repair shop where there's a bunch of people doing fucking. Yeah. Make the ton of sense. Also, like his bike is there. How did they get there? Go for a guy arriving in the cab, right? So the hug. I don't

jump the back. Yeah. There's just riding around like Roman holiday. I've missed you, Michael. I missed you, though, but I'm sorry. However, this scene, although it is not important to anything because this movie is an important does contain my favorite, extra line delivery in the history of cinema. So podcast listener, I want you to imagine a screen and I want you to imagine dead center in that screen, a young man who is staring at the two actors, mouthing the line, hey, you're going to be on TV.

Hey, you're going to be on TV the entire time. We'll see you guys on. Then after an awkward pause where he forgot he was supposed to interrupt, he goes way too loud. Hey, you're gonna be on TV. And I do use this term lightly. Competent actors turn to him because he just screamed like it was his first time using his human now. And then continue to the scene while ignoring him. It is masterful. It's delightful.

He must have been on the ship that came to Earth. Exactly. They needed somebody to carry the monolith. So yeah, but the details of the scene, of course, is that Gofer Priest explains that they need somebody to debate this author on the dick cabbage show. And they think he's just a guy yeah only you with your really awkward hitting on your students obviously in front of me and not being even good at argument is good

not even being able to only you when an argument against the random student in your class yeah we go back to september oh my god oh yeah. So she gets back to her apartment and rapy J is waiting uninvited in her bed when she walks into her room. In her bed. Yeah. In her bed. It's amazing what a few couple decades will do, you know, because the minute in my 2021 fat, you know, eyes, I see the same like, oh, a rape.

Okay. Yep. Fuck. Okay. Fuck. Fuck. You know, but the movie's like, oh, I thought I talked to you here. And you know, what the funny one? I'm like this. So they've already established this movie's taken place in Florida. She should be able to stand her ground at this point. Yeah. Right. Yeah. What's great is in 1980s, rapied terrible villain boyfriend is just guy who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. So the three of us are watching a horror scene from an HBO special and this movie is trying

to deliver like breakups are hard when you're a teen. Yeah, and they have to be like super vague about all the break up shit because the writers were not going to bother with anything beyond like, and then they broke up. So they keep having, she keeps having to say, I didn't want you to be the person that you are or the person that you will be. And he's like, what, who should I be? She's like, I don't fucking know, man. I know this is making any sense, but we're not together anymore, damn it. Also, he's dressed like someone from the movie Greece, like the sea in the 50s. Yeah, it's so weird. We also see like all her diving trophies in the background. She accidentally won

walked into the pool. I just hope you had a dad. Yeah. They keep adding me trophies every time I go here. I go to the pool every morning for a single dive and then they just add me a trophy on the way out. It's so weird. Yeah. That crowd is just always there applauding. So, but yeah, but we established that he's the ex boyfriend that just doesn't know, and he leaves without the scene getting any. And like it gets like he grabs her by the face and yeah, jerks are around him. It should have ended with a 9-1-1 call, like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's 80s. So like, bye. Right. Yes, I know. Man, am I right?

1988 everybody. So then we check back in with Biker Priest. He's not convinced that he's going to be the best person for the big debate. And then we flash back to more superfluous cave boobs. Now this is my favorite scene in the movie because none of the cavemen scenes mean anything, but they do sort of like have their own internal story that they're, that they're pushing along, except this one. This is just a hot, populous woman eating grapes.

She gets a little grape on her, Tidet one point and has to get out of the shit. And we just watched out for like 20 seconds. And then we move on. He's like, was that enough? You guys rub one out? We're ready to get back to this. You guys will keep watching the movie, right? To see if she drops it.

She's great. Anywhere else? And to be fair, like if 13 year old Eli was watching this, he'd have been like, all right. You have another 45 minutes. Yep. She meant for sure. I would have killed a man for the kiss that of this. Yeah. In the of this. Yeah.

In the in the in 1988. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. He's telling those the plot to all of red shoe diaries. We get it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I knew the plot for all of the Frederick, so Hollywood catalogs. So yeah. All right. Well, I think we've more or less fleshed out a plot here. So that's earned us a break. Never mind what we're going to do with it. But we'll be back in a moment with even more after school.

And then on Thursday, we're going to La Boiseau. All the food there is drinkable, but all the drinks are edible. Sounds great. Yeah, right. Hey guys, what's up, too? He lies just walking me through the food plans for when we all see each other in

August. Do you actually like that stuff? Do I actually like that stuff? Hey, change of subject, what are you going to eat? I mean, I assume you're not coming to blossom. Was on Thomas, it's French. Yeah. No, I'm going to stick with Hello, fresh. What's Hello, fresh? Is it a new place? Do they have macro gastronomy? Cause I will make a reservation right now. No, Eli, with Hello fresh, you get fresh pre-measured

ingredients and mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello fresh to make home cooking easy, fun and affordable. And that's why it's America's number one meal kit. Okay, but it's probably the same meal like over and over again, Thomas. It's squirrel. The place we're going Wednesday morning at 6am, they serve whatever nuts they found in the park that day in the park. Actually, hello, Freshenoffers, 50 menu and market items each week, including ready to eat salads, sandwiches,

and soups. 50? Wow. Okay, but I mean meals delivered to your house, Thomas, that's gotta be crazy expensive. The loans you need to take out for hat of full of beans are very reasonable. Again, guys, hello fresh is 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store and 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal without sacrificing the quality. That does sound good.

Yeah, it is. I was actually a Hello Fresh customer before they became a sponsor and I still am. Everything comes packed in its own little bag. So unloading my box each week takes seconds and the food's awesome. Yeah. So if you're ready to up your meal time, go to hellofresh.com slash awful 14 and use code awful 14 to get 14 free meals plus free shipping So I go to hello fresh dot com slash awful 14 and use code awful 14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping That's right times. Hello fresh America's number one meal kit

It's flash they let you eat underwater That's worse man. Yeah, that's definitely worse almost drowned. Yeah That's worse man. Yeah, that's definitely worse. I almost drowned. Yeah From the makers of the floor is lava comes a film about mom oh September don't you see a love like ours is forbidden the floor is lava. I don't care that the floor is lava Michael I love you. Hey, sorry to interrupt, but the floor is actually acid. It's not lava, but, uh, but you guys should actually be careful about the floor. Because when a priest must decide to forsake his vows, he must ignore the fact that he's considering fucking one of his students.

But September, the lava, it will burn you. Again, not lava, but still very real, very bad thing. So, uh, because nothing stands in love's way not a sacred oath or a huge age difference or Difference in power dynamic. You know what September? Maybe the floor isn't lava after all. Oh Michael kiss me You guys are in the acid right now. I'm watching you seven the acid. This summer, the floor isn't lava, but it is very much acid. I'm at minimum eight years older than you.

Oh, minimum. Gross. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open up on father, biker showing up to take campus for a jog. Music note, escape from the rain forest cafe. So we watched this awkward moment where he has to take his pants off because you got his little jogging, a shorts on, and he's got to take him off over his shoes and it goes on so long it technically qualifies as slapstick at a certain point.

And then the reveal is that he's wearing like a running jersey, like a cross country jersey I would have worn, I'd worn high school and it's like, is this more accidental competitions? Is this town just a series of like, you never know when you're competing in a athletic event? If so, I mean, I kind of like it. I probably would be into that.

What's that Amazon show they canceled after like three episodes, the game or whatever. This is the town it's based on. God, and the running they do here, it hurt my body to watch. Like I just, I hated it. Like, the way they live, it made me like tired just looking at them. Like it was so hard for them to just run like humans. Oh, and it went on for so long. Forever. We just watched them jog all the way around the so he starts jogging and it just so happens that September is jogging at the same time. Yeah. So they end up jogging together and we watch them for like a minute and a half

of the movie. Yeah. No conversation. Just these two people running as if to say, no, but these motherfuckers actually did their own stunts. They are actually jogged. Yeah. No, I believe that they did their own. He also later on plays his own basketball. I have many theories about that scene that we'll get to. Yeah. The director is basically like, look, we know you're cleaning up your tummy from that last scene with the grape on the boobs. So we're just going to do a little jogging while you hike your shorts back up. Yeah, is that like a shaming thing?

Like, God, you fucking pathetic shit. Look at you. You got your pants down, watching my weird men porn. You should be out there getting some exercise better in yourself. Oh, more porn needs shame worked into the refractory period. It's just like right after the cum shot, Asa turns to the screen and she's like, are you registered to vote? Yeah. So they're like filling out their taxes and like, and shit done. So yeah, but they get done jogging and she says, hey, you know, if you're looking for somebody to So yeah, but they get done jogging and she says, hey, you know, if you're looking for somebody to

Watch you practice your big TV debate. I would be happy to sit there and stare at you And he's like, oh, that'd be great. That would be awesome very subtle. Yeah, absolutely student who is at my college student you can come over to my home in the middle of the evening Normal God practice stuff. Yep. Yeah. And because of what running a tire looked like back then, any conversation a student would have with their teacher in that little amount of clothing is unethical. Like you said, should even. Yeah.

Yeah. So little between you and her right now, just, you can't do it. Don't engage. So that night, Father Biker's reading that book that he's going to debate the guy. It's weird that we see him reading it so often since he obviously has no idea what it says at all. Later on, but he's in his priestly frat mansion reading and we flash back to fucking boobvania.

This is where cave mullet finds the tree from empire strikes back. The vagina tree. Yeah. The vagina tree? Yeah, the vagina tree. The vagina tree. Okay, so we're on the same page that's definitely a vagina tree. Okay, that is absolutely a tree with the vagina. Begging sure. Yep.

I don't know. Again, there's no language in the caveman section. So I don't know what the movie makers were going for, but if you go with caveman finds a tree that looks like a vagina and wants to show all the other cavemen, hey guys, isn't that pretty funny? This scene makes sense. Otherwise, I was totally lost. I know, which is like a fine, I've bet cavemen did that.

Like honestly, it's probably. Not with eyeliner and G-strings, but yeah. Yeah. Let's see if we can find another tree that looks like a dick and like make a fuck. What else? They always say like the hunter gatherers actually had more leisure time than we do. Yeah. So this is what you did. Yeah, but Dave Mullet is apparently having a mystical experience at the vagina tree. Yeah, and he yells like, and this is where I was like, oh, you're ruining the boob parts movie. You know what I'm saying? It was so good. And then we're to believe that this fucking naked, mullet caveman is having like some vague

religious experience. They're trying to build it like this is plausible. Like he starts to like look up to the sky a little bit. You know what I'm saying? He's like, yeah, wait a minute. Trees don't have the China's God. And he says something that sounds like Raoul doesn't he? Is he like, oh, I just got.

Raoul. Yeah. Oh. Oh. So, okay. And that seems over. Okay. A couple of boobs in it.

It's just a scene with him. Now, keep in mind, it's just got cave moat. That's the only character that acts in this scene. But there's still a, like, we see a topless woman, like looking over going, like, what's he doing over there? So then we cut back to father, biker, he's in his office reading some bullshit argument about Thomas Aquinas. And like, they agreed to meet at 10 a.m. and she comes in, she's like, am I late? I'm like, I don't look at a fucking clock. You said 10 a.m. two seconds ago, even I remembered.

Yeah. And she tells him that he shouldn't use Aquinas. And he's like, well, the Catholic church still thinks those arguments are valid. And she's like, yeah, the Catholic church is stupid. And he's like, yeah, no, that's fair. That is. That is what she says. Yeah. God.

And she's right about everything. Can I say, can I confide in you folks? Nobody else is listening, right? I am, like, I have a weird crush on this character in this. Oh, yes. She's smoking hot. She's right about every single debate issue. I mean, some of the arguments are a little dumb because they're written by people who don't know what the arguments are, but like, mostly speaking, you know, she's kind of right about

the, the stuff. She's apparently a champion diver and nobody gives a shit like a man and a dad. I love this girl. Like, I'm really into her. Yeah. I'm just anybody, okay? And in a very rare situation for me, I am better than any of the men in her life. And that's a really good thing.

I'm not a psychopath murderer like Jay and I'm not her teacher. So can I offer you not raping a student for my terms of my qualifications as a man? Jesus. Yeah. Well, and then she says that about, he says, well, do you find this argument convincing? She's like, I don't believe any of your nonsense, remember? I don't find any of these arguments convincing. And he says, and I quote,

I hate to see that you're so narrow minded in your beliefs. By narrow minded, he means able to consider more possibilities than him. I know, that's always the best. You're so narrow minded, you won't just say an all-knowing being super being God cool thing did everything. You won't do that more open-minded thing of saying that. Also, the blocking of the scene is insane. It is. But in a weird way, it may accidentally be good because this guy is so obviously trying to hide his massive

bone of the entire thing. And so at one point, she's crosses over to him and he's speaking into a book like he shoved his face into a bookcase and is like, well, I think this argument about the thing and you're like, you know, that maybe it's secretly good in a weird way. Like he's trying that hard to not have a boner for this girl. Well, yeah, and this is because she confronts him here about celibacy and his vow of celibacy to which he responds, I've never had a problem with celibacy. And I wrote my notes, he said grunting is his boner lifted his desk three inches off the fucking ground.

He said, as you hear a book close on his dick as hard as he could you go. Also, I'm like, yeah, I've never had a problem with celibacy either. I've avoided that whole thing. I had a problem with celibacy either. I've avoided that whole thing. I had a bit of a problem with it between like 14 and 17. It was pretty, it was pretty rough. I guess it's how you define that. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah.

Okay, but here's the thing goes to like, obviously when she said, you know, somebody to practice your arguments with, she meant, do you want to fuck? And he doesn't know that, right? So this whole scene has a heath being flirted with, kind of a feel to it. She's like walking around his office going like, all right, are you really talking about Thomas Aquinas or were we gonna, you did not get it?

Did you not? Okay, fuck. She's just desperately trying to turn everything into a new endo. Yes, I'd like to come a-lawsmological. I can't do it, I'm sorry. What the fuck? We fucking. All right. So then we check back in on the cave people. A leopard is about to eat one of the cave girls morbidly obese.

That's my favorite actor in them. So big. But also we get a really hilarious transition though, because the last thing they say is like, yeah, sometimes I even go to the zoo to study. I love it. Yeah, we should go to the zoo and it's smash cuts to like what seems like the people exhibit of the zoo. Oh, so is that. Oh, God, and Eli is not kidding about the morbid obesity of this fucking leopard. This is obviously like a circus leopard who gets a It's a lot of pies in his life

But at the same time were you not impressed with the fact that they shot a scene where a leopard is on top of a naked woman Like yep, I this this is one of those things where I hope we don't find out some urban legend is true about like how this weird alien director actually killed a woman with a leopard for this movie. Like it's, I was disturbed by what I saw. Yeah. Also, there's nothing less believable than this leopard attacking this woman. This leopard is out of breath. They show two shots of him just standing there and he's out of breath standing there. Oh my God.

I really should go back to those big stack of pillows they have for me at the pie factory. Cause this is, oh, doctor says my asthma is just a scissor. And then for the jumping on scene, what it should be said is woman desperately pulling leopard into a hug. Cause the little is like, get it off me. This food's too wiggly. Ow. Ow. So, so bony, the boobs at the front aren't even that big. And we see one of the cavemen,

like, you know, eventually they answer the call of the emergency here. And one of them stops like 90 feet away and just chucks a spear. And I'm just like, do you not care if that hits her? Like you just, you're just gonna throw, oh, wow, I'm just gonna throw a spear at the situation. Well, but he's still doing more than anybody else, right? Everybody else is just standing 38 yards away going bad, kitty bad boy. And they're like, hey, look at the leopard show over here. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. Ancient caveman Eli standing in the corner. Do you want me to roast him?

Do you want me to roast the leopard? Yes. Overweight. But yeah, unfortunately, they don't get there in time. She's bloodlessly dead. I love that they don't use any blood whatsoever in this death scene of this like 30-second Topless woman for no reason because they don't the leopard kind of killed her spirit. I think okay. All right Yeah, I just figured they didn't want to be tasteless in this 37-second scene I also love this is the first time that we see a kid in this group. So there's just this 12 year old boy standing there surrounded by boobs that obviously visibly can't believe

his luck. Oh, this kid, this kid, they're like, no, you're sad. It just killed your family member and he's like, uh-huh. Yeah, they did. And imagine acting this scene, the guy, the cavemoat has to pick up a naked woman while he's basically naked and try to like act out grief, but in a non-language way because he's a caveman and he like holds her up. I just cannot imagine. I've done some weird scenes in theater bullshit, but like that would have been, I'm sorry, this is just so fucking weird.

And then he gives her as a gift to the vagina tree. Yeah, he like kind of stuffs her partway in the vagina like a little bit. Yeah, okay, and like what is that supposed to do? Okay, guys, I couldn't find a dick shaped tree, but you guys, this is pretty cool. Or it's like lesbians, huh? I just done a tirosala. Yeah. So he puts the woman as like a sacrifice to the vagina tree. And then we stare into the sun and sort of a like, I don't know, like it to be continued to kind of way. Yeah. Then we cut back to father, biker, and September on a study date at the zoo. See, tigers

tied all together. All the whole thing makes sense. I know. And the tigers like God damn my ancestors used to eat women like you. How far we've fallen. Yeah, we get a shot of how incredibly shitty zoos were in 1980. Oh my god. Yeah. Don't you wrong, I'm not defending zoos, but they definitely aren't that bad anymore. It's a fucking like dog cage. You get it pet smart with eight tigers. Shhh, didn't do it.

Oh, it was terrifying. All these fucking monkeys and no shade, not a drop of shade anywhere near them in fucking Florida. The dog park in my neighborhood is more spacious than you may in than these two pages from 1988. Oh, but and of course, just as you're trying to get your head around how bad that is something even worse shows up, which is his next argument. They're all looking at the monkeys and he says, and I quote, why do you suppose that monkey

would wake up one day and decide to evolve into a man? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because that isn't the fuck out of it. He might as well challenge the monkey to spell evolution and then yell checkmate. Right? Like that is him. Ha, so I refuse to believe that any person could be capable of writing and stupid enough to think that that's what evolution is. It's been so awkward for that first monkey though that's like, well, I'm a human. It's like, oh, my friends are monkeys now.

Do I still like fuck my monkey wife or what do I do? Like, this is really awesome. I should have agreed to do it at the same time. Yeah. Never be the first one. You know, you don't want to take time. Yeah. So, damn it. Never be the first one. Yeah. So they, but yeah, they go on their little fucking study day. At the end, he drops him off at home because, you know, he drives the motorcycle. Yeah. She drops him off at home, like his, it's his mom's

house. And she, it's a, what fucking, she's his student. This is the weirdest thing. Yeah. And again, they have this moment where she's like, well, here we are at your home after our very obvious day. And he's like, thanks buddy, I see I'm gonna go inside and play Nintendo against myself. I'm gonna go in and on. Yeah, so she drives off.

Then we get him showing up at this bookstore on this motorcycle. And of course, I just was like getting nostalgic. I'm like, I remember bookstores. I always made you have to shit for some reason. That was me like bookstore. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, oh, bookstores. For younger listeners, these were quaint adorable businesses

that one of took over the entire world. It's weird. It got weird. Yeah. Get weird. And he revs his book by Hans Kong or something like that. And I just for fun, I googled it and turns out that guy died like two months ago. He was a million years old. And he grabs his book by Hans Kong or something like that. And I just were fun.

I googled it and turns out that guy died like two months ago. He was a million years old. Yeah, I was just like, oh, what are the odds? He died in April, you know, and it was like, I don't know, a hundred or something. I heard that they are going to watch the movie that features my book. It is my time to leave.

That's probably what happened. Somebody's discovered it. Yeah, he fights the cyanide capsule. We knew this day would come. Now we do get a very interesting piece of dialogue in this bookstore. So you know that I really want to unpack. Yes. He picks up the dead guy's book.

He goes to the front desk. He goes, do you give crap? And she says, girl behind the counter says, it depends. Yep. Yep. Yep. And then he shows her the book and she goes, oh, in that case, yeah. What book would she not gift wrap?

Yeah, it's like if he meant him, you know, then she'd be like, all that. I can't wrap you. Yeah, no, we just for liability sake, you know, I gotta say it depends. Dicking a box type situation she'd gotten before or something. Or he brings over Ketcher in the rise. He you know, I gotta say it. Dick in a box type situation. She'd gotten before or some or he brings over catcher in the rise.

He's like, I really like this book. He's an adult and she's like, no, I'm not rapping that man. You're a asshole. Yeah, it's a brand. Yeah. It's a point to a sign behind her. We do not ramp at least shrugged. Why lie?

One through nine. One through nine. Yeah. Or it's like some weird again, he's locked in a world where it's all, people are always expecting sexual innuendo, but he's not getting it. Okay, yeah. Maybe she was going like, yeah, it depends, you know, and then he was going to say like, oh, some sexual thing, he's like, here's the fucking book.

She's like, oh, all right. Okay, yeah, no, I've read the book, yeah, fine. And now we're going to get one of my favorite scenes in the film. This is the Apple and the bathtub in the bubble bath scene. Yeah, so here's the, there are these scenes and movies that are gratuitously sexual, right? And the way they get away with it is by not showing you, if I may use an expression, how the sausage is made, because we're going to watch how fucking impossible it is to run yourself a bubble bath and eat an apple in there in real fucking time. So yeah, so she's getting ready for her big bubble bath and this was just it was a great eighties moment because beforehand she's got it she's like okay I'm gonna get in the bath I gotta get my book and I gotta get my. She actually drags her phone. She grabs an apple from the bowl of apples she has in her bedroom. Yeah, well, you gotta.

Okay, sure. Apples are nearby. Yeah, and then she gets in the tub. And of course, this was so that we can gratuitously get her boobs as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah, which was great. This is by the girl. And this movie was the best that you've ever had me watch. I want to thank you for the privilege of being on. It's not even close. Yeah. So, but yeah, so she gets all naked it up, gets in the tub, starts eating her apple and she calls father biker. Oh, hold on, hold on. Let me, sorry to correct you. She calls father biker. He says, hello. And she's like, first body, she waited to get what? What an asshole move is that? She's like, oh, yes, I've gotten a hold of him here.

Let me start eating in the phone. Wow. You're right. So weird. Yeah. So they're talking to you and she's like, he is in our relationship. Wildly, he had appropriate and he's like, it sure is. And then she drops her apple into the fucking tub. She drops the. And apparently that's like key to the film, right? She goes, oh my goodness, I've dropped my apple in the tub and he's like, wait a minute, are you calling me nakedly?

This is even more inappropriate now. It's like, okay, movie, we get it. Naked women with an apple and the religion thing. Fuckin' yeah, okay, we get it. Yeah, he tries to wink at it. He's like, remember apples cause trouble. And she's like, no, I remember in the Bible, a woman is punished with the pain of child birth for eating an apple when Satan temps her.

And he's like, it's we're flirting. It's fun. Yeah, it doesn't actually say apple anywhere in the Bible. It's just a fruit probably a pomegranate. And at this point in the sexiness, you know, that's going like the seduction that's going on here, I'm just thinking no religion is worth this. Like no, come on, dude. No religion is worth not fucking this girl that's hitting on you this much.

First step one, resign your fucking job immediately. Obviously. I mean, it is 1989, so I don't even know if back then that probably wasn't a big deal. Fucking cared, but like quit your job, quit being a priest, give it, you know, wait a few months or something. I don't know what you do. And then just no religion is worth it. If, look, if I were an atheist and a religious girl were doing this to me, now forget that

not in the teacher thing, I wouldn't do that. But like just a random person, same age, same thingy, we're doing this to me. I'd be like, okay, yeah, I'll join, join your religion. Yeah, I believe in whatever the thing is. Muslim Jew, whatever you are. Yeah. Ultimately, this movie will agree with you. That's a crazy fucking thing. Pretty much. But also, like, we do need to talk about how absolutely nothing the stakes of this are considering it's the 1980s. We know how many Catholic priests were getting away with raping children.

Right. Like at any point in this movie, I just expected some character to be so relieved that she's not a child. Oh, God, it's an adult. It's a consenting adult. Oh, yeah, man. I expected that other priest to be really confused. Like what?

Oh, I guess if you priest to be really confused like what I guess if you're into that yeah, your student do you like volunteer at a preschool program as well? I'm very confused by this confession. Yeah So okay, and then we get this again It's hard to call any scene in this movie useless as compared to the other scene But maybe the most useless scene in this entire movie where father biker shows up at the motorcycle place. Oh god. And the guy wants to ask him what's more important between his motorcycle and his girlfriend? Yeah.

Kevin Bacon's weird brother. Yeah. Have an acting career. Yeah. That's the guy. Kevin Bacon's tooth only stunt double. And they have this weird. I don't know what's supposed to be happening in this scene. He's like, Hey, should I love my girl more or my bike? And he's like, well, what

is your bike represent you? And he's like, my bike is my freedom. It's a dance on the wind. It's the summer song that pulls me through the breeze. And he's like, yeah, man, but you can't fuck your motorcycle. And it doesn't carry you. And he's like, yeah man, but you can't fuck your motorcycle and it doesn't care who you choose. And he's like, I choose my motorcycle. Well, so what we're trying, what the movie is, so hotly trying to do is present it as like, Hey man, this is the same debate that you're facing in your life. You know, do you choose your job, your motorcycle, or do you choose this woman that's super hot? What you can is weirdly sophisticated for this movie.

You know, that's why I can't fucking figure this thing out. I'm not saying it's a good movie, but like there's actually deeper levels than just a surface level to it, at which is, you know, 10 more levels than the normal movies you've watched. Like, I'm amazed. I'm just like, what is happening?

Who made this? Why did they make it? I wanna know, does anybody know? Tell me the process of this movie. God. The entire time I was dying to know who the hell the audience was for this, if not just us, or somebody flippin' through YouTube to see what has the most boobs on it. I feel like this is gotta have like a very close to the record for the most nudity on a YouTube video. So, oh yeah. All right, so I checked no So okay, so September's unrelenting quest to fuck this priest continues that night when she brings him surprise Pete said is home and he's like instead of going like oh, I think this might be a little inappropriate given our

Student teacher relationship. He's like do you want alcohol? I'll give you alcohol Yeah, okay Noah. I wasn't alive, but this is baffling to me. Did people just used to go to people's houses? Like you just, you just go to someone else. You did, man. And you knock on the door, be like, hi, I'm a fucking, I'm a human, and you're a human, I'm like, here's your house.

Yeah, you just show up at, that's how we socialize. That's fucking weird. That's the beginning of a horror movie now. If someone shows up, unannounced. Now, it's because they're there to murder you. When the doorbell rings, I hide, we hide under something. And then I check the phone,

because I have the ring thing and I look like, okay, who is it? Who is it? We turn and kill the power. And then it's a package. I'm like, okay. Yeah, at best it's an aggressive package delivery. Just leave it there, man.

What are you doing? So I reach my arm out like the side window because I don't run through the mail slot. I'll sign it whatever here. Yeah. Bend down, bend down, I got a cat flap. Yeah, I really wanted her at this point to do the old, like, you know, porno sausage pizza gag,

but with her vagina, right, and he opens up the box and has just got a big hole cut there. All right, you get it. Do you get it now? Oh. So yeah, so, oh, and of course, so she comes in, he goes to get the wine. And then we cut the outside where a shadowy figure is snapping pictures of them,

having pizza and wine together. Genuinely thought it was going to be Dick Cavitt just out of there. Me too. Me too. I've got to vet this guest. I even had a private Dick Cavett joke written into my notes, but it turned out to be somebody else so I had to erase it.

Yeah. I know this is supposed to be a moment where the movie wants us to be like, oh no, but he didn't do anything. But he did. Right. He had a student over to his home and he gave her alcohol.

Yeah. The gotcha is well deserved movie. Right. Right, well already. and then we cut to like Them on the couch with her cuddled in his fucking lap and very clearly drunk. Yep, right not just like he gave her like a Glass of wine, but she's she's kind of shit-faced Yeah, and the movie wants to establish that the movie is really clear about like wow if he wanted to wanted to rape her, it'd be easy right now, but don't worry, he's a good guy. He let's her sleep blanket, Leslie and pillow, Leslie on her couch, like an asshole.

Yeah, let's her sleep off the hangover he gave her. Right. The trope that may be the hardest to explain to my children when they watch this movie in the future is the no, no, no, no, when a character got another character drunk and just draped a sweater over them instead of raping them, that meant they were a good guy. Where are you going future generations? Why are you mad at me? No, I said he doesn't rape her.

You have to wear it. Yeah. So she wakes up the next morning, unraped and she's like, oh, pretty good guy by 80s movie standards. But speaking of rape, rape, J now is showing up the priest office. It turns out he's the one that was taking those pictures and he's threatening nothing. Yeah. And I got to say this line just is it really embodies the mores of the time because he says quote, it's bad

enough you're her teacher, but a priest. I'm like, no, you fucking fuck that is exactly backward. Yep. Who gives a shit about his pretend rule, the fucking who cares? It's his teacher. It's her teacher. Like that's the, that's the first thing. Like it should be, okay, you're a fucking teacher.

And also, yeah, priest or whatever, I guess. Yeah, right, right, exactly, exactly. The power dynamic by definition is major relationship, weirdly, unconcentual, but you made a super best friend promise to an invisible man in the sky, dude. They get serious. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, you know, you can keep those pictures next time,. I gotta. Yeah. And that's it.

Like there's no, there's no like, I'm gonna go to the papers. I'm gonna show these to your boss. I'm gonna spread these around campus. I know. And he's a menacing character. I thought, you know, at least beat the shit out of him or something.

He's a scary. Ray B.J. is no joke. Like he was terrifying. Yeah. The one character I wanted Ray B.J. to be aggressive and terrifying too. He like all right look you get four strikes I don't want to have to tell you not to fuck your students again Here's the photograph gift

And then just in case I ever wanted to argue to Eli that the 80s weren't as stupid looking as he thinks they are based on film. We got this incredibly long aerobic slash tiny shorts basketball scene. It's so glorious. Max cut over to my mom's Jane Fonda workout cassette. A vivid memories of the music. My current workout as well. Yeah. And I'm just at a certain point, I have a note

that I'm sure you do as well of how much of this do we need. Like we go through a full 30 minute workout and like a full pickup thing with which we know the score, like we learn like which teams are doing well in the playoff bracket of the fucking wreck thing. I'm like, why do we need all this? It's an hour. It goes on for so long that we get the whole fucking song on this aerobics exercise. So it's cutting between her doing aerobics and him playing a pickup game of basketball.

The actors are like dog exhaustive. I can't do the same. It's work out so hard to get some water, please. Well, luckily, that's only a problem for the actor playing September. The actor playing father, biker has no problem whatsoever because there's literally nothing in all athletic about what he's doing. Oh my God. Okay. If he were here, he and I would go third minutes on the athletics here. This guy, there is so much here and I, this is, this is how I am. I am really into sports. I'm really into competition.

I just, I'm, I love it. It's my favorite thing. Whenever there's like a movie, a show, a whatever that my wife is watching, where there's just peripherally some sort of sport, I'm always like, I know everything about what's happening. I know who's winning. I know, you know, like, that's the thing I watch. And this guy, so first off, they have the rim set to like seven and a half feet. It's really, I don't know why they have the worst basketball playing and they go so far as it's not just as though we're like, well, Dorky Priest, you know, he would be bad at basketball because look at them. They have to, they specifically put in a line to set up that he's amazing. The guys like, yeah, he, he,

he's not like himself right now because he misses a few shots. As though he has such a reputation for being just fucking Michael Jordan at this place. You go see him make a shot and I, I wish this were visual. He does a shot like a muppet doing the arm weight thing, you know, like, yeah. It's any misses by a quarter mile. Oh, it's wacky waving inflatable arm. Yeah, it is. That's his shot. And then he just leaves. Yeah, middle of the fucking game. Middle of the play. It's not even like a tie-mount or somebody just made a shot. Mr. Couple shots. Fuck. To be fair.

Fantastic foreshadowing for the character. I mean, I actually did that in a real pickup game. That would be like kind of a dick. I mean, someone would take your place and be like, God, fuck that guy. Yeah, I said, let's make sure we don't play with that asshole anymore. First off, he ball hogged, took two shots, didn't pass it, missed them both and left.

What a fucking take. Right, Andy. Just shot from wherever he was when he got the house. It was just, I have a fan theory about this basketball and especially of the interstitial shot of the guy being like, father, Max, sure seems distracted. I think this actor was like, oh, I'm actually really fucking great at basketball. I like great. We'll put a basketball scene in the movie and then they like tossed them the ball twice on camera and they were like, holy shit.

Hey, Dell, do you want to line in the movie? You're going to say that he's distracted. We just watched this actor storm off the field being like, I need it lower than seven and a half feet. They're like, can we have another guy say like, I think he's having a stroke right now. It is not. Oh man, He scored all those baskets yesterday. So yeah, so he walks away mid game and damn it if September isn't there to be a vial Temptress some more. Yeah, he has to break the news that he's not gonna be able to fuck her. She is super disappointed

He's like and again, he's like look look, I really value our friendship. Our friendship is so important to me and the way that we're friends and our friendliness friendship. And I want to be like, okay, but if you want to be friends, we could still be friends in not sexually inappropriate situations. And he's like, no, there is only studying at my house

with a glass of wine or nothing. Yep. Yeah, what is the friendship exactly? Like when you distill it down, it's him saying really stupid fucking arguments and her being like, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Right. Here are my boobs or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

There's not a lot to just the friendship. Like if you just took the friendship. If we're not fucking, there's not much left. Yeah. So okay, now we have to go back back to clan of the cave boobs or whatever we have the spot where cave mullet gets attacked by different cavemen Who want to I know at once marks so sorry, but the way they do these transitions every time it creates the greatest comedy because They transition to the caveman as though the caveman is walking in on their conversation because they transition to the caveman as though the caveman is walking in on their conversation. That's what goes.

Sorry, you guys are... Oh, do you have the studio tell for? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna... I'll take you to a weird, weird, weird, weird,, the whole clan is sitting there with like that weird meat. They were eating just like, oh my God. But yeah, so these other cavemen attacked him. He doesn't want to fight.

So they just take all his women and leave, I think. Yep. This, I want to know the politics of this clan, like the, what is the setup? Cause I guess he wasn't like like he owned all those women. He was in charge, I guess. And the men because like someone attacks him and like we went he just forfeits. And like we win. We now take everyone that isn't you.

And then later he just kind of follows them. And I don't like I don't know what what happened here. Who I think like somebody else like challenged him for leadership of the clan and he lost because he didn't want to be violent because he's finding Jesus. He was really bluffing this whole time. It was all barking no bite apparently. Like he was the leader of this clan

and somebody like takes like a stick and waves it out and he's like, oh shit, I don't stick. I don't think anyone was actually gonna challenge me. I'm sorry, the vagina treated not prepared me for this. And then okay. So the last we saw of September and Father Biker is him saying, look, we can't keep being seen in these inappropriate situations where people are going to assume that I'm trying to seduce you because I very, very clearly.

The next scene is him showing up at her house in the pouring rain to stand beneath her window and stare longingly at her silhouette. You know, normal teacher stuff. You forgot your homework. Maybe. I don't know. I'm doing my conferences outside of all of my students' windows. My midterms, your class participation is very good, but you didn't do well your first two questions. So the final is 80% of the grade. Remember, so all the flirting and stuff we did that, I mean, that's good. You got an A on that portion of the grade, but that's like 10, 20% and most. So, yeah. So he's standing out in the rain.

And in one of the few efforts that this movie makes to actually tie the cave people in with anything that's going on in real life. We cut immediately from that to cave mollet also getting rained on. Yeah. This is where the vagina tree gets struck by lightning. Yeah, what? Okay. Is a girl he likes in the tree when it gets struck by lightning?

I think so. I went back a couple of times on the scene because I saw that in your nose, you know I didn't say like I know. I swear he's in the tree, weren't they? Was there someone in the tree? I swear there was someone and keep in mind I had the higher definition version because I swear someone was in the tree and my first thought was oh maybe the clan leader that took over maybe took his girl in the tree and then he talked to God and God smites them. I thought like, I was like, is that what they're going for? But then, like, there's the lightning,

and then he's like crying about it. And I'm like, I don't, so I have no fucking idea, man. I don't know what happened. No clue, but lightning very clearly hits the tree, and he is absolutely devastated by it. That was my favorite vagina tree. Yeah, right, right.

That's all I got, because I didn't see anybody in the tree. I even went back in the scene and I'm like, was that a, was there a person? Yeah. I was reminded of how good our lightning was back before we had CGI. And I gotta say, you know, we've made a big show of the boobs. We've talked a lot about them and, you know, deservedly so.

There's more than any movie in the history of time, but we also get some good man ass in that like Solid man ass in G in leather G string man like so if that if you're into that like this. Yeah, you get to always got everything like oh Yeah, just saying. Yeah, so caveman had some rip fucking nabs. Oh, yeah Good looking guys. Yeah, so okay, then we cut over to September's roommate telling her that Jay is spreading rumors about her fucking the priest and she's like, well, yeah, I mean, I'm trying to fuck the priest and we're not, not gonna be a pretty public about it, you know?

Yeah, very clearly, I'm trying to. And her roommate's like, oh, okay, you're just trying to fuck your teacher. I get it. Sometimes you, yeah. Sometimes you fuck your teacher. And it wouldn't be me guessing on the show without making a sound note and my note note is they spent their sound budget on boobs

because there's a microphone somewhere in the house with them, but it's not in the same fucking room. There's like, oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's the scene we get. And I think it's the roommate saying, like, should you maybe don't fuck your teacher? I don't know.

Maybe go after a guy who's, you know, your age and not celebrate or whatever. But so then she goes to wait for him outside the library. He's studying. He's still studying for his big debate on the big Cavitt show. Hope that pays off. Yeah. Oh, it will. You know, so she's waiting for him outside the library.

He's like, uh, she's like, Hey, just thought I'd show up and maybe we could wander alone in the middle of the night in one of those non-sexual ways that nobody starts rumours about. In the way that good friends do, my new life goal after this movie is just to as cluelessly do all these things to Heath that he does with this girl. Heath, would you like to wander around a park and get a night's screen? So, because of what good friends we are. My favorite part about the ice cream is that it's so funny because they're just in the park and she, you know, she's really making a move that like she wants the kiss kind of

thing. And actually she's going to the kiss. He's like, they're all on our side. Just like, just trying to get out of it. After by the way, he just had to put a jacket on her because she was freezing. And she's like, do you want ice cream? Where have you been? You stupid asshole. And I love to.

They get to the ice cream place and they have the weirdest ice cream. She's like, I actually like chocolate. I don't like chocolate. She's like, then you have a fucking vanilla and I'm, why are we talking about that? Leave it in. Leave it in. That was just like them bickering about the scene, I think, or something. That's the crazy.

And the the ice cream lady is like, hey guys, what the fuck's wrong? There's even there's a juggler in the back very boring. Oh, I just, by the way, who even stops to go, you could each just have two different fucking play. What the hell is this even about people? Throughout this whole scene, there's some sort of troop here. There's a mine. There's a chugler.

In the back there. In the back there. I was dying for the mine to be J in disguise. I was dying for the mine to just be like close up on the mine. And he's doing the invisible. He's taking pictures. It's like they're craft services for the circus, but they never acknowledge it. Yeah. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures.

He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures.

He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures.

He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking pictures. He's taking script. Hey, dude, fucking it. Good student. Slately basically. Yeah, right. Strike three out of seven. All right, father. You know what? Full me seven. I came on you. Never. And they react by here's how he reacts. He reacts to this guy who up again is the villain of the film is the only one with a brain right now being like, stop doing this.

And they react by running five feet away and making out. And making out five fucking feet away. He's right. That'll show him. I guess. Wait, grab my ass. I'll get really jealous if you grab my ass. What is any?

Yeah. Really wanted Jay to inch back into the frame. You guys know, guys, I just said like come on., pull it a rope as he comes, you know, yeah, that's really my. I feel like I said it. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, this movie seems to be making a late play at a slightly less boring plot.

So we're going to give them a minute to hash things out. But first, let me give it a three of the hard sell here. Was that really the best background jugular they could find? Motherfucker couldn't at least have some columns or something? Why the fuck are Mines anyway? Fight out the answer to nothing in particular when we return for the boob-tastic conclusion of... After school.

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what you think of feeling and a Disney movie right now. You're Hitler. You're Hitler. C'mon, you're gonna be right now. You're Hitler. C'mon, you're gonna be right now. You're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler.

C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler.

C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'mon, you're Hitler. C'm me just lower the lights here and you and I can finally begin. Oh, yes. Is Mike cussing the relevance of Aristotle to modern debate on the existence of God? Oh, that sounds...sorry, what? I know, I know, but so much of modern cosmology is based on his thinking. I think it's important to start off by-

No, no, no, no, no, no, just to be clear, you invited me to your house. Yes, I did. It gave me alcohol. It was only polite. Mm-hmm. You had me lay down on your hardship bed and dim the lights so we could talk about philosophy. That's right, because we're such good friends in our friendship. Okay, I'm going to go.

Wait, wait. I want to talk to you about the column cosmological argument. Oh my god, you're so lucky, Adam and Eve.com doesn't exist yet. Wait, wait, was this an Adam and Eve.com? I thought it was the... The whole movie's an Adam and Eve dot com? I thought it was the whole movies and Adam and Eve dot com ad fair And we're back for still more of this shit We're gonna open up on the sad tale of cave mullet so downtrodden now that he's not in charge of the clan anymore

I think yeah again functionally what is any different like he just walks in a different place than he did before. It's weird. I have a lot of trouble figuring out what's going on with this story at all, but yeah. So he's running for no fucking reason. We, we interpose out with father, biker jogging and his teeny little shorts some more. But all I was saying at this point,

as we see him moping around, you know, I'm just thinking, come on, man, please don't find Jesus and take away the boobs. I think I can be like, please. Yeah, I was going to start a fucking religion and like, hey, everybody should put on clothes and stop fucking like that. Now that's a movie that would have come full circle. If at the end he's just shaming all of them for not wearing shirts. Yeah.

Okay. So yeah, but instead he slips and falls and apparently hurts himself and then we get some cave lady dressing his wounds. That's so good. Okay, here's what I love about this. It's the classic trope that you've seen everything, which is shipwreck. You know, ah, shipwreck and then you wake up on the sand. But they did that, but with him just tripping.

Yeah. Yeah. If I could just like trips over a tree root and think, oh, and then you just wake up on a beach, you're like, what? Didn't roll into the ocean and then get carried away. He was out for a while. Yeah. Yeah.

It was a, it was a really bad toast. Jumping that he tripped and he fell on a boat that then racked and yeah. So weird. So yeah, but we leave him there for the moment. And then we cut to I love this space work. So God damn much. We cut to September anger reading a magazine. Yeah. Like the director told her to flip the pages. Agri it if she didn't go for it. Yeah, she nailed it. She didn't know the priest and is it me or did she dial not enough numbers? She absolutely dialed seven numbers actually. Okay. She dialed them in a weird pattern and I was like, you know what movie? I'm not going back to count

how many numbers she dialed. But she was definitely like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And I was like, ah, feels wrong. No, it's a three, two, two rhythm. We all do this together, you idiot. Yeah. And then she's like, oh, shit, I forgot my apple for the phone conversation. Right. That's the enormous fucking person.

That's the only thing I can do. So yeah, but she sure is sorry for getting mad at him for not fucking her and he's also sorry Yeah, he's sorry for letting her convince him to kiss her after that fucking I Forgive you for seducing me my student to his at least eight years younger than me. Yeah Yeah, so yeah, and then he's like look I don't have time for your bullshit lady emotions So I gotta do my studying for the big dick, cavet debate. This is what's so amazing.

He goes, I'm sorry, I need to focus on my debate. And the very next shot is him listening to records staring into the middle of the stem. Yes, he puts on sexy jazz music to study too. But then she shows up at his house house like two seconds after she's on the Off the phone with them she shows up to insult him Slash to do so more. She comes over in like a toga like outfit with no brawn I'm like oh my god Jesus like just a second ago. You're like sorry for doing this whole thing anyway

I'll be there in a minute to do this whole thing. Well, right. And once again, she's dead ass fucking right. She's like, you know what? You made me fall in love with you. So I'm like, yeah, because you're, she's 19. That actually like it. You should have been really clear about what the relationship could and could not be from the very beginning. You did. She's right. Mm-hmm. And then he kisses her again and she starts to strip because it's this fucking movie. He very much does not try to stop her until there are boobs out. Right. He very much waits to get a view of her boobs and then he's like, oh, I can't.

I just remembered now that you and I have some fun. Yeah, he pretty much pulls a willy-wanker. No, don't, stop. Yeah.ka. No, don't. Yeah. Right. Well, but then he leaves. He leaves his home with her mid strip inside him again for shadowing. And he like in fairness to him, this is the first good thing he's done because he just leaves and just after this point, he will now live in a church.

Yeah, right. He's hiding from a vampire or something. He's there 24-7. He's out disheveled, like he clearly hasn't moved. So funny. Well, what I love is he goes to this church. He leaves for mid-strip, goes to church. She shows up, she follows him.

I wanted her to just start stripping in the church. She's like anyway. I was here. I think I won't fuck you here. Just more flat surfaces father jokes on you. And then he's he's praying. And I'm just thinking like you got the, you know, the big crucifix. And he must be thinking like God, Jesus just isn't as hot as she is. I mean, he's got those crucifix com gutters, you know, but it just doesn't. Maybe, maybe from behind. That's all right. So yeah, but she marches out when she sees him praying. Meanwhile, back with the cave people, cave mullet is still on the mend.

This is when we learned that the girl that is taking care of him is underdressed by cave man standards. She doesn't even get a G strength. She's the first fully naked cave person. Yep. Cause it's obviously fucking Adam and Evee as a scar on his ribcage. Yeah. And there's a big snake that keeps showing up from this point on. Yeah, that's the tie in Eli. This is Adam and Eve, the first people that like God gave the gift of Godness to. Now I don't want to try and push even further into the writing prowess of the author of Zonk or whatever the fuck.

But like, is he proposing this guy? This caveman will eventually be like, write this down. I was born in magical garden, snake fuck with your mother. Yeah. I got this cut when she was born. Yeah. Apparently. That's it.

I hate this movie. That's terrible. I know, and this is presented, by the way, the whole point is like this is a more sophisticated theology. Yes. Yes. No, it blends it together, you know, because we got the monkey, filthy monkey man, and you know, then we also get the Adam and Eve because once he tripped over.

And ours has boobs. Yeah. Yeah. The beach. I got it. All right. So we cut back to father, Michael, who apparently slept in that view. So as not to be seduced in the night.

It's like a zombie movie, but if the zombies were boobs, yeah. The hot and beer cans himself in a church. It's just like shaking like, oh my God, they won't find me here. The boobs will get here. Sanctuary, sanctuary. The teenager I seduced can't get to me here. I'd say fear. And then father Gofer shows up, the guy who gave him the thing and he's like, hey, I can't help but notice you slept in a church and appeared to be weeping. You ready for your big debate? That doesn't seem like a great sign.

I know. He's barely concerned about what is obviously of tragic situation. Like even if you don't know what's happening, you're like, oh my God, you should be like, do you need help? Are you, are you okay? What, what happened to you? But he's like, you ready for TV, TV, you need help? Are you, are you okay? What, what happened to you? But he's like, uh, you ready for TV, TV, you ready for TV? You've ever walked into like a fast food restaurant and there's obviously work drama going on, but you just want your spicy chicken. That's

what his priest is doing. He's like, Oh, you are crying. So I'll have a number seven. Oh, you okay? Number seven, seven. Seven. Yeah. And so he goes, are you ready for your big debate? And he's like, why can't I fuck ladies? He's like, why don't you channel all that lady fucking energy into the big debates? They have a conversation in which I wish the line was in there

that's like, okay, but and hear me out, father. What if God sucks compared to fucking this girl? Like, that's the subtext of the conversation. I hear what you're saying about the vow and all the sacred thing, but what if that is all really shitty compared to what I could be doing right now? Spectacular boobs, you see. Yeah. Yeah.

And then of course, Father Gofer, because priests never have any good advice on anything, it's like, well, why don't you ask God how not to fuck the student that you've been seducing the entire movie? He can probably tell you, huh? So then we get a, I wrote in my notes and this was optimistic, a quick montage of him teaching. We get a montage. But now his class is a total sausage fest because she's right. Yeah. He's like, oh, who do I even fucking hear anymore?

God, teaching just isn't what it used to be. I love how even in the montage, everybody's bored shitless by a stupid clip. So first of all, it's 17 minutes from the end of the fucking movie and we watch them do all the activities they've done in the movie so far. Yeah, starting motorcycle shop, swimming, the phone is ringing, but he's not there. Her phone is ringing, but he's not there. They go to the bar, it's like he's trying to find,

it's like he might as well put like shot signatures where you have to like get a signature for every shot you have in the movie. He might as well put up the shot signatures for every scene in the movie while he wonders. Yeah. And I'm just sitting like, how far out does Dick Kavid book his show?

I want to do a debate five years from now. Five years from now, if you're not doing anything, let's debate this book that just came out. I don't know why we're doing that that way, but we need to fit in a whole montage. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. So we have them barely missing each other, more of him jogging, more of them not fucking, he prays. Ah, guy it goes on forever. Oh, I'm so jealous of the listener of this podcast that now that scene is over for them. Right, yeah, I feel like we should talk about it

a little bit longer just so they can like, actually live in it the way that we did. I love to, at the very end of the montage, he sees people making out and he's like, those lucky mother fuckers, they have no idea. That used to be what I did while I was pretending I was being celibate, but then I would make out a little bit just to get enough of it. And then you know, like to... So okay, so then at the end of the montage, he goes to see September by her drawing tree

that we've kind of skipped over up to this point. I don't know if it's here earlier, but at one point she's drawing with a quill. Like what? What the fuck was that about? Yeah, a quill. She has a quill in this scene. Quill, okay. And he opens with, you haven't been in class that's going to affect your grade.

Really? That's going to affect my grade. That's going to affect my, hmm, I wonder if anything will affect my rating that I give you as a teacher at the end of this. I wonder if you know if we're going to talk grades, we're going to talk ratings. Mr. fucking your students. Well, and she's doing all the fucking harumpy kid pose. I won't give me a happy meal maybe. And I just want to tell her like, dude, this dude just sucks. This pre sucks. Find someone who will, you know, give you what you need. Find, I don't listen to anyone but him and right be gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does a lot of podcasts does a lot. You know, just out of the top of my head.

Just stop a random guy on the street September. You're going to do better. Also, your name's September. So, you know, it's a, it's a bad versus bad situation. Oh, yeah, the conflict in this movie I wrote down at this point is that he's a fucking idiot, right? Yeah. Yeah. So she's like, you know, yeah, it just wasn't meant to be, and I'm so embarrassed that I ever came to your house that night. He's like, well, I mean, thanks for letting me see your boobs, though.

That was nice. Yeah. You know, in your deflect, conflict is quit your stupid fucking job and your other stupid fucking job. Quit both your jobs immediately because you can't do this. Apparently you aren't able to not fuck your students and that's the end of movie. Should quit your jobs. And at the end of the scene, again, I had to keep relating this movie to Heath, which

he leaves. And four hours later, he's like, I love you, but it's, yeah, I love you. I wrote it down as he, him doing a heath impression. So yeah, I got it. Thank you. So, and else time, of course, cavemo it wakes up and he follows the naked healing lady for a while. And I love how puritanical we are because obviously they're Adam and fucking Eve. So she is totally naked, but he's got the leather banana here. Exactly. Exactly. Well, he would have to be naked because you're Eve. Wouldn't he have to, you know, never mind it. You don't worry about that. Why? So yeah. And they, of course, they keep cutting to the snake here. So they're like, it's not all going to be good. That snake's going to go and temper to eat a apple. Yeah. Like, do you get it? There's snake snake. Yeah. What man want to get it? Do you understand?

No. And so now father bikers getting ready for his big TV debate. Yeah. Apparently fucking September has a big dive competition at that very same minute. Yeah. Seems like they would have noticed earlier. We have not heard anything the fuck about this entire movie, the big dive competition. Nope. Spoilers, she's going to leave her dive competition to go watch the debate. Yeah. But not get there in time because of how he handles the debate again, which we will talk about in a second.

Right. Yeah. She might as well go, wait a second, this dive contest doesn't matter for the movie and then walk out. Yeah. Well, she's almost realized she's mid dive competition. She's like, wait, this will pass the back. They'll test shit.

Okay. Go back to where he is. Right. Yeah. No, she dives the way he plays basketball apparently. So we cut to Dick Cavett introducing the big is God bullshit debate. I love the introduction for the evil author. Right.

He says, you know, you wrote this book that this movie ostensibly is about and you've been called all sorts of terrible things that they've called you a heretic, an atheist, I mean, wait, is that a terrible? So he's like, I'm no fucking atheist. They merge with the far right. I don't know if you heard about that. And again, it is hard to find a movie

that kills its stake as thoroughly as this one does. He's like, yeah. So you want to kill God with the spear and he's like, no, I'm a Christian. I just don't think the church has very good teaching. So he's like, the big debate. It's built up to the whole time. It's like if in Rocky one, they get in the ring finally. And then they're like, well, we're fighting on the same team, though, right? Like you and I, yeah, we see you mean, who do we fight for the wrap? on the same team though right like you and I yeah we fought who do we fight for the right right yeah it really is like that yeah cuz father biker says well you know you don't

believe in God and the other guys know I totally I believe I do I believe in God he goes oh what the fuck was I studying for the I got nothing then I don't even know what I would be arguing and the other guys like I don't know what you would be arguing either but by the way apropos of nothing if you have a young student you'd like to fuck, I bet God wouldn't mind. You mean it? Cause I will walk off this debate stage right the fuck man. And I just wrote down, did TV used to be this boring because I actually kind of miss it.

Like this, I wish TV was more of this. Like, oh, we've got debate here about two people we thought disagreed, but I guess don't, but anyway, let's just talk boringly for an hour. That, you know, I feel like that was better for a society when TV was like that. So, yeah, yeah, worse TV, better world, yeah, yeah, exactly. But it turns out that this entire fucking godless debate that we have been setting up is an argument between a true believer and a mostly true believer. Yeah.

And of course the bad guy makes the argument that, you know, all that really matters is that we're good people to one another because if that wasn't what God was measuring us on, then really he wouldn't be worthy of our worship. Now, Woody. But that's the genius of this movie. He's not the bad guy. Big reveal is he's the good guy. Like he, he convinces the priest to like,

oh, I should go fuck that girl. And so the movie of get, I guess, was about a niche inter-caflik debate, you know, like between a dedicated Catholic and a slightly less dedicated Catholic. That was the stakes of the movie, I guess. Yeah. What the fuck? The surprise stakes of the debate were that, no, they mostly see eye to eye on everything. It's just a matter of whether or not you need to be celibate for it. Weird. So, and of course, this is where we cut over to September, just leaving in the middle of our dive competition. The coach shows up and she's like, Hey, has

anybody seen September? And I'm like, Hey, September, I don't want to give those. But when rapie J is stalking, you just don't get in the habit of disappearing without telling anybody or your getting kidding. Yeah, one of her teammates to be like, she's finishing the movie. The stakes got really lowered over there. So she's going to go over there to try and raise some back up again. I really, I really wanted the coach to be like, Hey, has anyone seen September or star diver who has worked her whole life to achieve this dream that is barely a footnote in this movie

because it's not what the man is doing. So we don't really care, but she's actually really important to us over here. Has anyone seen her? Oh, she walked off to the man, to the man, okay. Nevermind. Okay, I guess it didn't fucking matter

all this work we put in as a diving team. I had so much trouble with this part of the movie though, because I kept trying, like, they kept letting each person in the debate say things, and I'm trying to summarize what they're saying without giving them too much credit. And I think that that's objectively impossible because you can't sum up their arguments without making them better.

Right, their arguments are things like, well, I think the rituals of the church are important because the rituals give us a formation around which our lives have meaning. Well, I think the rituals of the church are important because the rituals give us a formation around which our lives have meaning. Well, I think the meaning of our lives gives way to ritual, which then enforces that meaning's ritual ritual. Yeah. That's exactly the. And at a certain point, the bad guy slash good guy is like, son, I don't even think

you believe that. Damn, this guy is mopping the floor with you. You studied hours and hours for this. Right. And let's not go over the idea that like he is supposed to have been studying for this for however long this movie's been going on. Years apparently. Yeah, exactly.

And he clearly hasn't even read the book. He is floored by this guy's basic argument. I skimmed it, you know, like, right, I listened to sexy jazz music while it was open. I don't understand what you wanted. It's like you showed a montage of a guy studying for a math test by pouring over books for months and months and months. And then you see him take the test and it's like, what's the Pythagorean theorem? He's like, fuck, the Pythagorean theorem? He's like, fuck off. What is a number? I only did pluses and minuses.

The best way I can explain the philosophy of this debate is many, many years ago, at the reason rally, there was a young man who had a sign that said, ask me why I believe in God. And we were doing our absolute best to avoid him, but he was in the only shady spot and no one listening to to smoke. And so they were smoking very clearly not talking to him and he comes over and without being asked anything says to Noah as proudly as possible. I'm a deontologist to which no reply. Then your philosophy is as useless as it is boring.

That is the end of this debate. Then your philosophy is as useless as this boring. Wow. So yeah, eventually the author guy is just like, yeah, you know, I think that the most important thing is that we love God and honor God and we don't let the church get in the way of our spirituality. And fucking father, biker blanks so long that the movie is like, Hey, man, are you gonna answer? Are you still there? Yeah, okay. Do you forget your line or what are you gonna get up and leave

like you shot your pants? That's exactly what he does. And I just really, I really wanted the other priest to do a knowing nod and like father McCarran, you fuck that student. You fuck that student. That's too. I know that look. That's a, I want to go fuck my student look.

But he does. He lit it just to be clear in the middle of the debate. He gets up and he's like, bye forever. Bye everybody. And then he just walks, he shakes everybody's hand and walks up. Dick Cavitt's standing on Oh, we should have seatbelts on these things. Ah, seatbelts on these, Charlie's chairs. Think about how narcissistic this guy is.

He just leaves a basketball game. What do you have to do? Shots. He fucks up a debate. He's like, I'm fucked up. He leaves on live TV. Rip in the seduction. Yeah, that doesn't even live TV. Schmive TV.

Yeah. Out of here. That's over them having sex in the seduction. Yeah, that doesn't even live TV. Schmive TV. Yeah, I'm out of here. It's over them having sex for the first time. He comes to early and just gets about. He gets on his motorcycle and leaves. So yeah, he doesn't just leave the studio. He leaves the fucking building. We just watch him walk all the fucking way out. Just then September pulls up.

She's like, aren't you doing a fucking debate? And he's like, oh, is your championship dev meat over whatever bullshit no one cares about? Is that, did he? She's like, I left in the middle of it. He's like, I left in the middle of my thing too. Do you want to wander into the nearby university jungle and therefore end the movie?

Yeah, absolutely. It's wonderful. I know. I wanted to be like, shall we take a walk? And he's like, oh, walk. No, let's get to your place as fast as humanly boss. You're going to gallon a come waiting. We have finally have decided.

I'm going to spray you against the wall like I hit you with a fire hose. So yes, so they walk off together, he plucks a flower for her. We cut back to Adam and Eve. They're very happy. And they're dancing around each other. This is actually the first time. This is the closing seconds of the movie. It's the first time that we get full frontal.

In the literal final frame. The fucking. I know. I didn't. that director did it. I know. And then the end of the movie is basically just like, oh, and also we shot this porno with a prehistoric thing to it. So feel free to watch that.

You know, as you're considering pondering what happened here. Exactly. That was my last note was, okay, but this was just bad porn. That or great porn. Well, I mean, it was great by the standards of God off of movies. I mean, you know, it's better than the tomorrow war anyway. Okay.

Well, that's it. Thomas can't thank you enough. I mean, honestly, I feel like I can't thank you enough this time. This is the only time when I actually can thank you enough for joining us. So thank you, Thomas. You know, I agree. Yeah, I agree. I accept your enough thanks.

That's the thank you. All right. So my ultra question was going to be whether or not anybody could tell me why the fuck this was called after school, but we already dealt with that. So I guess that's going to do a part review of after school, but that's what I can do for the episode just yet because we still need to commit to one that isn't just soft core porn. So Eli tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, as you know, our review of the boondock saints was one of the most difficult for heathen I emotionally, physically, sexually. And anytime something hurts heathen right, we're going to do it again. So we'll be watching boondock saints to the short version

that's on who Luno. Okay, but even, like that's one that even heath hated the first time around. So that's it. Actually, we've won. All right. So with that, too, look forward to we're going to bring Episode 3, oh, way to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to Thomas Smith for hanging out with us today. Be sure to check the show notes for links to his fine podcasts. And while we're at it, and even huge, no thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go, if you'd like to count yourself among

the ranks, you can make a per episode of Nation at Patreon.com. So that's God awful. And thereby, earn a lot of access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Aids Citation Native D&D Minus and the Skeptocrite available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off of movies

at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, this is a P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robinson, Dickscare of our social media, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nicky Fulv, Dresson on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neil Abbas, and the guy I'm the illusionist promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. September went on to find out that fucking a 30-something version is exactly as fun as that sounds.

Father McCarran's boss was so relieved that he just wanted to have sex with a consenting adult like so relieved. And September went on to find out that after the kink of the pole priesting drops away, you're just having sex with our garfunkel and you're laughing. I don't even call Simon, you didn't you? Yeah, I didn't even call Simon, you didn't you? Yeah, didn't even give us grace. I think the fact that you let me say, my listeners means that I'm more part of the show than Mars just saying.

I think so, he's never had him as his listeners in the room stolen. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021 all right reserved.