God Awful Movies - 31: GAM031 Miracles From Heaven

Episode Date: March 22, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath take a field trip to see Miracles From Heaven in the theater on opening weekend.  Red carpet!!!  Eli wore Versace, Noah wore Nike, and Heath wore a smile.  Nobody else was happy.  Join them in this fair and balanced review of a story about how Jesus gives deadly diseases to young children, and why doctors are to blame. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

And the little girl who is scared and dying of cancer says, do you think Jesus is with me? And she's like, oh, I'm sure he's with you. That's why he watched you get sick and lose your hair and be in pain. And if he was anyone else, we would have to use his own cruelty against him to properly punish him for his behavior. But we've given him special moral exemption, so it's totally fine. He's just sitting there watching this bald, scared, frightened, dying little girl, but

oh, I'm chewing with you. That awful movie. Movie. who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be is my good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Thank you, sir. You think Eli's gonna have a piece of food inside of him this time? Well, let's find out. Find out. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how goes it?

Well, now I no longer have a piece of food inside me. Now I'm just holding a carrot. I thought, you know, for a vegetarian, you get an awful lot of meatball stuck inside of you. But, you know, it doesn't count if you don't eat it. Peter Singer said, well, mostly he said, like, get away from me, but it's fine. It's fine. It's a long story. I'm not allowed within 50 feet of Peterson.

Yeah. Well, we've all got one reason or another. Or the Me Ball Store. So tell us, Heath, what are we going to be breaking down today? All right. We watched miracles from heaven. And I'm already noticing that a lot of my notes look a lot different than the ones you guys have. But as I remember it, the movie is a beautiful love story

about the interracial same sex relationship between Jennifer Garner and Queen Latifa. Is that also a little girl had cancer or something? Something like that, yeah. Oh wait, did she? Who had cancer? Stomach. Somebody had cancer.

Stomach, something. Yeah, more or less. I want your movie. And Eli, how bad was the one we actually watched the eye hated this movie I Flocking this movie because here's the thing this movie's the stupid religious part met Met to the religious part, but the main message of this movie is that Doctors don't know anything and you need to show up their office and be like, excuse me, my child, thick, I need to take a curum.

And coming from a family filled to the brim with brilliant doctors, this is, I could not think of a meaner prank to pull on the medical practitioners and my family than to create this movie. There's no worse effect you could put out into the world that directly relates to doctors and what they do than this film, which is just like, you say to him, no, sir, I need a doctor, I need one now, that's fine, I'm finishing my 75 hour shift. Let me go back in and check on your esmatic daughter again, because you saw miracles from heaven. Well, yeah, I told Heath before we started recording.

I said, I have a feeling this movie is gonna piss Eli off, kind of like the last one pissed me off. Yes, so. This is my faith, matter of faith. This is my matter of faith. So, now of course, I actually kind of want to start on an uncharacteristically positive note. Like, how awesome is Jennifer Garner?

All right, she's the star of this movie and she literally could not have been handed a stupider script But she fucking nailed it. Yeah, she was like it was it was it was like if Anthony Hopkins showed up in the middle of it If footmen tire you it was so bizarre to see such good acting around this stupid fucking script But and I will say this she holds up physically about as well as the Austin Powers movies she's not she looks like if you told me Carrot Topp just like stole Jennifer Garner's hair I feel like I see it I see it the identical do a face comparison today Jennifer Garner Carrot Topp same person I thought she looked incredibly hot but that i kind of feel the same way about caratop so that could be

now i honestly though that's probably the last positive thing i'll have to say because the entire time that this movie was playing i was i was fully aware that in the theater next to us they were playing Deadpool and i still haven't seen that you want to hop in really want to talk about it was just like it was forty yards away i could have been watching something that didn't suck, but instead I was watching miracles from heaven. And I also want to say like the chick that took my, that gave me the ticket or whatever was super fucking flirtatious

and everything until I said miracles from heaven. She's like, oh, never mind. And I was like, damn, now I really like you. Ha ha ha. You just made it worse better. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Also, and you know, this was our second field trip in three weeks. I just wanted to point out the the prudes we were watching this movie with were fucking hilarious. Like even during the previous, because there's

a preview for the movie, pets that shows with all shows all the pets rocking out to heavy metal at the end and the prudes did not approve. And then the very next preview was for Ratchet and Clank, and the tagline was something about kick some asteroid, and the prudes did not approve. So, wholly inappropriate for a cartoon, thank you very much. See, my theater, I thought I was gonna get another empty theater, because I saw this at two o'clock on a Wednesday,

but my theater was me and a Mexican family who decided to have a full volume conversation about anything except this movie throughout the film. Now I don't blame them and I didn't care because the movie was terrible but I imagine that their process for going to see this movie was like you know what we really need to work this out. We need to have a family meeting and talk this through. Where do you guys want to do it? How about a movie theater with a white guy with two slushies? Let's do it! Don't give me one for free if you don't want me having both.

Bye one, give one free. Well, I think we've got the audience salivating an anticipation over this masterpiece for almost long enough. So I guess we'll pause for a quick break and when we come back we'll dive headfirst and all the not even interesting coincidences that are miracles from heaven. Coming from Pierflik's Entertainment in 2017, what if you believed in holy miracles from Christmas angels of faith in Jesus of Nazareth on the cross from the makers of miracles from heaven and heaven is for real?

Come some movie about hope. Sir, I'm sorry to say, but your boy has a very serious illness. Damn it, man, just do the operation. A story of life. All right, well, your son is safe, but he died on the operating table. Well, he didn't actually die when you die. You just die, but his brain's not braining for a second. And we were all like, fuck, man, you know?

A story of miracles. Honey, I'm so glad you're better. Daddy, can I tell you something? Of course, honey. When I died, I went to heaven and saw Jesus. Oh my goodness, that's so wonderful. And he can suck a cock I'm I'm sorry what yeah seriously like I don't know how many tongues he has but like sometimes it was in between his tits

And sometimes it was in his mouth, but it was just like a wet sloppy vessel of pleasure Okay, honey Maybe try to rest herself and there was this lady named Gray there, and she fed me bacon while she worked my asshole like she was trying to start a goddamn lawnmower. Holy shit, Timmy! Coming, summer 2018. I scream, came, dad. I'm not sure if the screaming or the coming made me black out, but if you've never had

a three-tongued Jesus work your shaft, while liquid cheese gets pumped into every hole you have that can taste. I really can't describe it. What did you expect from heaven? You can fate your fist in there. It's about breathing. And we're back for the breakdown and this movie is going to open up by telling us that what we're about to see are real events. Which as we'll soon learn doesn't really meet, I mean, there were people. That's pretty much all that is saying.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, the moment I saw that, I wrote in my notes, what you're about to see is based on real events. Sure isn't. Sure isn't. And then we get Jennifer Garner, and as good as she was acting wise, the other accent always fucks everybody up apparently

haha it's exact i wrote my notes oh i'm already done with the act of jennifer garnered i'm already done she says when i was growing up people didn't talk about miracles and i wrote i'm guessing words uh... had a two-syllable limit at your house so uh... miracles no no as mostly talking about possum grill and and whatnot uh... and then we get the dictionary definition of miracles and i wrote great book report miracle lazy book record where they read for and grows by jennifer garner

that's the the define miracle to to beginning those days i was actually getting coffee at the beginning and i didn't see this uh... you know intro parts are pretty much lost the entire movie i could use that miracle definition like missing the excuse me what's a miracle what's excuse me what is a minute i haven't even done that part yet um yeah no actually cuz we were running a little late he had to drop me off first they ran a grabbed coffee and came back and by the by the time movie stars on like that mother fucker ditched me like I appreciate

that that's fucking hilarious that he did that but god damn it he fucking ditched and then he shows up I'm like oh well he went to see dead pool yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we're talking about it was great miracles from all I went to the wrong thing I wondered when Jennifer Garner was gonna show up this cool I just going to drop you off for these from now on. Yeah. So then we cut to a couple of little girls all playing outside, rolling in a, in a tire together. Right.

Good old fashioned family family, in. Yeah. Right. Right. And the one, I love like right away this movie starts off with one girl going that sucks and another girl goes, you're going to go to hell for swearing over sucks and then they all argue over who's gonna go to hell. Right well because they're not gonna go to hell because hell's in California. A parent.

They're crazy friends thinks that hell is in California and at no point does mom go oh guys hell's not real she's just like hell in California no no no it underground or wherever we think it is it's a lake of fire guys read the Bible come on don't California well and then mom goes like she comes out she like none of you are going to hell and then she looks at him and goes and unless you get your Sunday dresses dirty like really mom you think you're going up the health threats over dirty clothes. Take your battles. There have been like, poor, playful hell threats, and we're one minute into this fucking movie. Right.

And then this movie, I worried for a second that this movie was a truck commercial. Because then we turned, and we see dad bailing hay and like, yeah, get the mo- Oh, mo- Oh, mo-

I just like, I'm just like, grab a board, is that what's gonna, like, yeah, and dad, we learn right away, I just like Yeah, and dad we learn right away is to country to change shirts indoors. Yeah, so Did he bring a dress shirt outside with him just so he could do the cowboy shirt change things like he had to set that up? Yeah, he's like, oh time to to go to church, all right. Let me just, you know, get shirtless right now. He's that guy who constantly finds a way

to be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless.

He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless.

He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna be shirtless. He's like, yeah in that. We're absolutely not. Yeah, I think I speak for all the fat people. We fucking hate you and your entire kind to the guys who pop the shirt. Fuck you, personal trainer, Russell Crowe. Yeah, exactly. The Cody Hatch of Rednecks. Um, like the three of us will find out. We know if you know who does that. Yeah.

And of course, we get the uncomfortable Christian movie Kiss in the opening scenes. So already rocking the bingo card out. Yeah, this movie was going for the all square of Christian movie bingo. Yeah, what? It's someone to win a checkpot. I guess. Boy, did it fill the card out quick.

Okay, so now we're at church. So another check on there. And we get sermon number one. But before we do, we get some country music all right yeah we do i'd uh... my music note here is so on fire this is my jam can't believe these guys book third day for their soundtrack country performance man these christians know how to rock maybe christian is great after all

fuck you move i was i wrote all the fun of church plus a country music garage band holy shit uh... so and as if that wasn't bad enough then the then the pastor steps up who's hilarious uh... he's a prop comedy preacher he's pretty wacky he brought a helmet with him to church

how would we envision a helmet if he hadn't gotten one out? And show us he wore a helmet and he's brilliant. He's the Bill Ticks of The next kinesan give that guy a movie. Oh shit. Yeah, so the theme of his sermon is no pain no gain because I guess Getter Dunn was copy-rided and Cermin is no pain no gain because I guess Gitter-done was copy-rided and The way he demonstrates the need for faith is by putting on a helmet and opening on umbrella Brella and it's flipped up That would catch the rain. I do.

We were indoors. It doesn't even have any sense. It's so funny. I'm brilliant. But then he gets serious and reminds everybody that, hey guys, just keep in mind we're in a cult. Yeah. I wrote my notes here. Oh, yeah. Fall off a motorcycle covered in faith. Let's see what happens. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Can't even keep you dry in a

rainstorm. Yeah. Sorry, sorry, Ruppie. He actually says faith is the only insurance policy. The real insurance, Paulie, in order to set up a movie about a little girl who would have received no medical treatment for her terribly painful disease, we about to find out if not for her parents medical insurance policy. Right, right, yeah, exactly. So yeah, the message of the sermon is even if you're wearing a helmet, God can still give your kid stomach dying disease. And then we cut to the picnic, the after church picnic over at the family that we just met house, where we learned that dad just opened the area's biggest mixed animal clinic

and I don't think the Bible approves of mixing animals does it? Yeah, it's is cloning some cow fetuses because the veal's better or something. Yeah, sounds evil. And at this point there are no stereotypes this movie won't hit. They've just got barbecues and prayer and children tire swings and all this shit. I wrote in my notes music note music to hit your 17 year old types of this movie won't hit. They've just got barbecues and prayer and children, tire swings and all this shit. I wrote in my notes, music note. Music to hit your 17 year old pregnant girlfriend. Oh, God.

That's... You gotta wind back. And we also learn it again. This is probably on the goddamn Christian movie bingo card. We learn that dad mortgaged the house to pay for his startup business Which is fucking stupid. I'm sorry like okay if you're a vet and you've got a veterinary degree You don't mortgage your goddamn house to open the biggest fucking mixed animal Clint

You start with a little small one and as it gets big you get bigger I mean what the fuck you you got a giant farm. You can just do your shit out of your back fucking yard But anyway like every dad and every Christian movie, he's financially irresponsible and that's gonna be a major theme of this film. Yeah. And so, okay, so then later that, so now we get mom tucking the kids into bed

and apparently they have a habit of like mom goes around and everybody shares a prayer before they go to, before they get tucked in. And the first one she does this to is the 13 year old and she's like, do you have a prayer to share? And she's like, mom, I'm 13, I'm done with religion. And she's like, do it. And she's like soccer, soccer.

I pray for soccer. And she's like, good. God cares about soccer. That will be my only characteristic throughout this film, by the way, I play soccer. Oh, all of the kids in this movie were invented by the people who do that extreme home makeover show. Where they're like, hey, we heard you like horses, we've turned your room into a horse and we're ever

seeing scumbag horses. That's these children, like there's the kid who likes soccer and then the one who's going to get sick likes Paris. And then the little one wants to be big. That's what you must be Taylor Swift. Oh right. By the way, do you guys see that life-sized Alex Morgan poster on the wall? I feed off of that. Yes, I did.

I have a very similar action figure actually. Same size of everything. It sticks to my wall sometimes too. And also, so they go to the second or the third daughter or whatever, and she's the one who's like, she says, oh, I want to go to Paris someday and I wrote, oh, she's the one that's going to die, isn't it? And she's gotten planned. So, see, I wrote in my notes, you don't get to go to Paris, you little hick shit, Paris is for nice people,

people like me, you go to Paris, Texas. You go to the Epcot Center and see what Paris looks like through the eyes of an anti-Semite. You don't get to go to real Paris. I wrote, I hope this little girl gets cancer. Oh wait, nope, she likes dogs, I retract. Yeah, she does like dogs So the prayer she

Shared was flipped it on me yet another dog and then we cut to later that that night where she's all puke Yeah, and I wrote my notes vomiting little girl. I don't have anything to jerk off to in this There come on they gotta gotta get ready to use my sock the Mexican family was very Disadvantaged by the way they switched over to spanish i think they were talking about me that's what they gave you that second slushy bro that's what the second slushy was for that's right and they show us so much more little girl vomiting than we actually yes strong just great strong

so uh... so okay so now we're going to see the doctor this is actually their ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha give a fuck about human beings. They just want you to get the fuck out of there real quick. Oh, they are, they hate children and their patients. They hate. Oh, yes. That's why, that's why they're there at the hospital at 4 in the morning. And this guy has probably been working a 12-hour shift is like, here's what we think's wrong with your daughter after running several tests that you couldn't explain if I held a gun to your head. She's like, hmm, but you're kind of frowny. Oh, I'm sorry am I frowny. I have slept in eight years. I can see time in here, space. Let me be more cheerful to your daughter. Well, when the doctor goes, yeah, we believe that she's lactose intolerant and mom freaks you, lactose intolerant. Fuck you, you bastard. She's got something worse than that! And I wrote in my notes, I'm really glad this movie is focused on my struggle

because I too cannot digest dairy, and I just feel like now is the time for us to get our movie because like sometimes there's pizza and I can't unless I have a lactase. Like I can't! Unless I have a lactase. Like I can't. I would say have a lactase. But her reaction to this doctor is so inappropriate. Yeah, she's like, you're lactose intolerant. You're the one. Digest milk sugars.

Doctors are all just guessing at stuff. I have a pastor for that. I don't need you to get right stuff for me. So then we cut to the dinner that night where they're all, you know, thinking that she's lactose intolerant and learning that they that she can't have pizza. So they all decide to To give up pizza together. And I just want to say it is horribly unfit because one of the little girls is like five years older, whatever. And they're like, you don't get to every pizza anymore. She's like, why? And they're like, because God and the little girls look, but I want, but what if I, but oh, and then like, come on, little bitch, come on. You're gonna hold out any pizza.

What about your dying sister? Okay, fine. I want you pizza too. Right. Because there's never any resentment when one of the kids in the family is sick. No way to increase that by being like, and you can't have your favorite food.

Yeah. Yeah. And she just not want to give up that legendary Burleson, Texas pizza that they're having We see it at the end. It's a We ran out to tomato sauce, but we got ketchup You have any idea how many string cheeses I had to split apart to make Ungrateful some bitch

and I guess now the the and the the stomach dying diseases gotten so bad that she's waking up in the middle of the night and they're gonna have to take her to the er right and an alien is about to burst out of this child i wrote my notes has your child has any experience with a face hugger you see uh... hr geger walking around your apartment in a chance? It would have been a way better

uh... turned for the movie but instead the doctor at the ER says she has acid reflux to which mom once again freaks out. Acid reflux, you fucking jewel terror, you goddamn eyes, you're faggling with the out-digners, shit enough fucking acid reflux. He's like, okay, I'll run some more tests. Crazy lady in the fucking mill of the ER. And again, and this is reinforced throughout the movie. Like, this is a bitchy mother that was mean to doctors that were trying to help her daughter, who then wrote a book about how her bitchery saved her daughter.

And this is how she creates that, right? Like, her daughter had a very rare condition. It's easy to overlook because it's like one and a million kind of thing and it's much more common that these problems are gonna Be acid reflux or lactose intolerance or something like that. So yes, some doctors got it wrong But that's how this shit works, you know doctors don't have fucking crystal balls that they run into watch god damn house a Timer to it's not you don't like just don't tap on the part of the body that hurts and then it tells you what's wrong with it Yeah, they got Zach Braff and Jennifer Garner was like absolutely not get me doctor Cox right now At least somebody older with like a physical disability or something you got to have a cane or something

Yellow the people who went to school for what you're talking about this movie right yeah exactly and of course we also have to win the doctor agrees to do more tests we have to see him roll his eyes like stupid bitch what's your fucking daughter to not be screaming at him yeah I wonder if your daughter this nine-year-old who's got a tummy aches intestines don't work all right right we do a quick test for that which we we found out through surgery. Yeah. So now we get the old, they bring in the old pro doctor, I guess, and they tell these Jewish. Yeah. Well, right. And that's, that's the important thing. They got themselves a good Jewish doctor. Um, but he tells them that they're going to need to take the girl into surgery

right away. Um, and so then they nose rape her with a tube. Right this this was the first moment of me being like all fuck you movie because there's this very much like who scary tubes and holding down mean doctors why don't you care with kisses and cuttle back and that and it's like all yeah they're just getting their fucking kicks on root sixty six by shovel to down a little girl's nose they're saving her life. It's a goddamn miracle I'm sorry that we don't have a cuddle tron that reactivates your goddamn intestines and in search nutrients into your child

Oh, does it out she in the nose nose and that's I mean, and that's how they sold this scene like oh my god These doctors are so cruel like they don't seem to give a shit about the family at all And it's like they like they have minutes to save this fucking girl's life According to this fucking shit. So yeah, right and by the way when when they first tell the family that that Anna has Intestinal motility disorder. That's the name of this thing mom turns to the cowboy husband and says what's that Kevin tell me? And he's like yeah, I think he interrupted the medical doctor. He's probably about to tell us. He's like, tell me. And then Kevin answers correctly.

The cowboy guy, he explains in testinal motility disorder to his wife right there. He's a vet. Yeah, right. She was a rather here from a vet than a human doctor, I guess. So also we get a little cut to the waiting room, where we get to see the wacky pastor again who apparently isn't very good at angry birds guys He just can't get past that for a level Oh my god

Okay movie you've got me back I'm back in But I better see some more of this pastor before I hear about your anti-science Shocked us around bad people But I better see some more of this pastor before I hear about your anti-science Movie We've got to use the yellow we didn't even know which bird breaks apart. I know I know it was hilarious Anyway, so so the doctor yet tells them you know that gives him the kind of the daughter's gonna die speech And recommends the country's best pediatric gastrointranologist in Boston. And I wrote my notes. I bet God still gets credit though.

Yep. I wrote my notes. We cleared the barrel thing. Miracles from doctors. No, never mind. Yeah. Right. Right.

Yeah. Exactly. And his body can't process through. I wrote, okay, lemon law, two out of three eight. Take this one back to the store. Yeah. Yeah. The theme of this whole thing is like, ha, science doesn't know sometimes.

Now we're tied for a minute. We're tied. Yeah. Science and religion are the same in this instance. So then we get the whole like dealing with the illness series of scenes. We open up on a big like pill chart that mom keeps for when the little girl.

And I get it you know it's very difficult but like the mom says later like what the daughter's pills are and it's the same thing every day so why would you need a whole calendar wouldn't you just need like the times of day that she needs yeah exactly but she has no for garners not bright no parents whatever daughter is the definition of miracles She had to look it up in the dick. Yeah, right right exactly And then we get more nose rate because apparently the girl is The like disease she has her whatever she has to be fed through a tube or whatever and you know Your kid would be dead without that fucking tube

But let's focus on how Ike and painful it is. Oh, well right I'm right now my nose like wow way to extend this little girl's life modern science, if it weren't for this tube, she'd be dead by now. Quick, slam her head against the kitchen table. Yeah, right. Right. Instead of focusing on that, yes, it's all about, oh, she doesn't like having a new tube pulled out of her nose.

She probably doesn't like dying either. I'm just guessing that's worse yeah i was hoping the big sister would guilt the whole family into nose to beating but they didn't have very dismayed we can't have pizza and everybody had to get a close to the shitty family so then we cut okay so like the little girls trying on her pants and none of them fit because her stomach is all swollen. And the little girl turns to mom and she says, mom, why do you think God hasn't healed me? Which is in all of our notes, followed by something to the attune of great example of why you shouldn't give kids religion.

Oh tough one tough one. Did you sin recently? I shouldy kids sometimes. Maybe you sin. And but mom's real answer is like, I don't know, but I know he's only torturing you because he loves you. Right. And I wrote, or does he? Because he could love her and not swell her up like a beach ball. We could try that.

This is the first of many times that this movie becomes, I stopped punching you. Oh, thank you so much God the movie right Right look at the generous way in which he stopped twisting my nipples Praise be And then you know, we show her at school just so that we can see that Anna can't join in any non-tubal feeding games And then you know, we meet little boyfriend kid that wants to go to the library with her aww that sweet and then we cut to mom who's on the phone Desperating Your effort to get her in to see this specialist in Boston and this scene is basically hey

I've been harassing this already overworked doctor, and I'd like you to harass him with me. Yeah, basically yes Yes, because you call the doctor like oh, I've already called him three times and I have to say this is gonna come back But okay, I come from a family of doctors, but one doctor specifically in the family my first cousin is The best fertility expert in the world She's the one who just did the first ever uterus transplant. She works the colon clinic She's brilliant and this is her life her life is people literally looking her up on Google. She had to take her address off of her thing because people showed up in her house

to ask her for help. She never is home. She's walked out of dinners during Thanksgiving because people like didn't eat the food they were supposed to be. I actually live with one of the best doctors ever in my life and they're constantly haunted. My people were like,

hey, I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind making seven more phone calls and she's like oh look my cell phone you know what honey I'll blow out your birthday candles in a fucking second right right exactly but instead this movie presents it as ma'am you're on the waiting list just fuck off with your dying child right yeah yeah what first of all why is this doctor? This doctor then goes on to explain how the waiting list works. Why would you explain the mechanism of a terminal child waiting list to somebody?

And why is this woman confused about the mechanism of a terminal child waiting list? This is the greatest moment in the movie. And I'm glad to see that I wasn't the only one who laughed because she goes well when will space open up she goes well when someone doesn't need it anymore and she goes you mean when they're all cured and and and he's laughed out loud and I almost got kicked out yeah I say you weren't in a full fucking theater full of Christians southerners whatever we did it did I was just like I'm like I'm glad we're sitting too sweet away. Maybe they won't know I'm with him The mom goes oh there's a waiting list wins the next slot gonna open up you guys are Curing all the cancer right?

I was like oh No, I'm gonna send you a list of kids. We're treating you're rooting for these children to die I'm gonna send you I'm gonna just get to pray and um and then I'm on send you a list of kids. We're treating, you're rooting for these children to die. And I'm gonna send you. I'm gonna send you. Get to pray and then. Come on, Timmy from Alberta. Come on, Timmy from Alberta.

This kid looks skinny. He can't make it much longer. And then mom goes outside to yell at God so that we can get our, you know. Check. Yeah, exactly. Our fucking Christian movie bingo card filled out. I don't understand medicine the movie

Jesus I laughed in my movie, but my Spanish family was too busy playing settlers of Catan or whatever the fuck they were fighting And then you know we get dad bringing her home a dog even though they already have like four dogs Because and then you know of course mom's rightfully pissed about Placating the dying kid with another dog. She's like look you know that dog's gonna outlive her by years Also tiny thing, but she's like it's a terrier terrier's her French and I wrote in my notes terriers aren't French you plebe Detroit is a city in France And also mom throws this out she goes we don't have a savings account But we have five dogs and I'm like you don't have a fucking savings account. You have three kids

That bad parenting decisions the movie Dad's like honey. I know we don't have a savings account, but we've got a basement full of Jim Baker's food buckets. They're going to be worth a fortune any day now. Plus, you know, I got my sick animal thing. It's a good laugh, Christy Beam. It's a good laugh. He says that so many times through the movie.

I was like, shove his nose through his brain. Do it. Also, I know this is just a movie thing, but I have never actually seen back-to-back bathrooms, where there's like two sinks, and you both have your own sink in real life. What is that for? I spent, because I didn't want to think about this movie, I spent the next 20 minutes of this movie being like,

what are the benefits of back-to-back sinks? Like, how much, how hard is it to share a sink that you're like, whole mother sink, whole mother sink? I envy you honestly, if you've never had to worry about that and you live with your fiance, I envy you. No, what's the fuck? Because I'll we share a sink, we share every share a sink and I've never,'ve never what is that back to back my wife uses a sink for about 21 hours a day I know I Have sink all to myself and I don't have much sex and it's a great deal Pretty much never get laid own

sink All kind of perks that come with great and then now we're back at church for sermon number two, which, and we only get a tiny little snippet of it, but the theme of this sermon from the snippet we get is, if shit goes wrong in your life, it's your fault. You're the bad guys in Job. Yeah, I wrote, have you sinned? Maybe that's why your daughter can't eat or shit

or whatever, who cares? Oh, okay, so we get that from the pastor and then we get the mean lady that comes up to Jennifer Garner afterwards and actually directly makes that accusation. Right, but it's like this terrible thing. Like, the preacher has just said this. Yeah. And then she's like, maybe somebody's sins are preventing the healing and she's like, oh, I can't believe you.

And the movie's like, oh, can you believe that she would say that? Oh, and it was like, could she heard the sermon that was just being delivered and made logical steps from there? Well, that's right. I said like, she just said the exact same thing. The preacher said only he wasn't speaking directly

only to you. Exactly. Yeah, the pastor's saying, you know, bad things are your fault and good things are God's fault. So I don't want to say that Anna's evil per se, and this lady's like, she's evil, right? She's still dying to the sugars. And it's not clear right away, she's supposed to be a bit like she might be a good guy at this point in the movie.

It seems like the message, the movie was sending actually. So also to distract myself at this point, I was. It seems like the message the movie was sending actually so uh so to distract myself at this point I was just like Jennifer Garner's like in reach for me to fuck like I feel like if I did a white card tricks I could get there she's not electric anymore that's what I'm saying she's not electric anymore it's certainly be worth playing now she looks like a pop-up for moms need to get fucked. Those are nice pop-ups. Women love magic. They can happen.

So then we cut to mom and dad fighting after church where mom decides she's never going back to that damn church again because of that mean old lady, which is, I guess, great. You know, however it comes, it's good. Because this needs to set up that faith is going to turn out to be what saves her in the end. And I wrote in my notes, this is a movie about someone who won the lottery to prove the lottery is always a good idea. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. In so many fucking ways. Yeah, but so mom's angry so she's going to take the little kids shopping.

And then apparently I guess that night she decides that fuck the doctor and the waiting list. She she's gonna take her kid to Boston anyway. Uh yeah mom's plan is we're gonna go to Boston to the children's hospital and cut the line. Yeah. The dying kids line. We're gonna go to the dying kids line. That's the plan. So then we go to Boston and she goes to the to the clinic and this scene just upset me in so many fucking ways Because the way this movie is supposed to set or is trying to set this up is look at this concerned mother Who's willing to do anything for her kid? And the way I'm seeing is look at this poor receptionist who has to deal with this mother who's putting her in this incredibly

Uncomfortable position just because she's a bitch that doesn't understand how lists work Yeah, this is why we need death panels. This is why we need death panels This would have solved everything This was pre-Obama care bomb. Oh, the doctor can't see you without an appointment because he's seeing other people Right, right. It's not like he's in there whacking off to porn or anything He's going to be always golfing Yeah, right, but mom goes up to the front of his line and starts yelling ahead his receptions And then she starts yelling at the other sick kids like do you take shush

Flospy in mid-morning like what's that kid got leukemia Stage one maybe what's your white cell count? What's your white cell? He's got six months. He's got six months easier. Are you fucking kidding me? Kind of cosmetic children's hospital is this Also like she says at one point she's like all the doctors tell me it was just lactose intolerance or acid reflux But I'm her mother. I just know and I'm like, yeah, Jenny McCarthy, you just fucking know. Like, because it's just star child, I get it. And a vomit on the table for everyone.

Bomb it right now. Look at that. Look at that. Green. Green vomit. There's even a hint at how hard this doctor works in this scene, because she says, well, office hours started seven. And that's like, oh, okay, so that guy wakes up at fucking 4 a.m. to be there at 5 to do all his pre-paper work for the line of people and you're just like, can't you just squeeze this in? It's like, no, he can't squeeze you in. He just eats whatever grub hub gets ordered by the office,

shoves it into his face when someone's not in the room and then plasters a smile onto the next dying child, you selfish, evil, self-concerned bitch. I tried, like, right, but according to this movie, that receptionist is just following orders like a Nazi. Right. Oh my God. So yeah, so she leaves the fucking clinic all depressed

because they wouldn't like let some other kid die for her kid. And that's where we meet the magical black woman. Yeah. Wein Latifa. Yeah. Wein Latifa. What the fuck she was doing in this movie? I cannot imagine. They needed 90 minutes. I can't catch. Yes. So they're at dinner and Anna accidentally spills her drink and the evil waiters an asshole about it. But stupid cracker waiter. But luckily Queen Latifaifa the magic black lady comes in and she decides to take over by wiping up the tea that's on the fucking tablecloth it was gonna get washed that night anyway and then

immediately immediately sits down at the table with them that's weird bold move very weird very bold move but Jennifer Garner likes an aggressive woman so it led to some fun scene or I forgot to cross off some of my notes but it led to some fun notes. I uh I I've got to say honestly I did not get the impression that that mom was comfortable around the blacks. No at no point to she go we're just like every point at which they interact in this movie Jennifer Garner is like oh silly colored

what color is it colored? I don't know what you have the NAACP in that color so colored American colored American I believe right yeah so yeah so she just sits down on their table and offers to take them on a tour of Boston the next day I'm like that's really weird you get hacked up and killed at the end of that tour don't you right and she's like Boston's a great city and fuck Boston fuck Boston Boston's a shit hole city your sports teams fuck their mothers yeah cops are cowards yeah 9-11 was two teenagers with a pressure cooker full of fire crack oh fuck yourself I wasn't gonna go quite that far with my Boston shit dog but okay so yeah you went to the finish line with it all the way never give up oh shit we need to take a minute on that one let everybody

talk sorry I was there in 2003 and then we uh two soon three hours three and then we ramp up the racism to Nazi propaganda levels with the touring Boston scene with Queen Latokin But he's will have black face on her black face at this point Horrible. It's so bad. Also. She has a ratso Rizzo moment And her car is broken and shitty. I wrote my notes. If she pushes the car with her feet, it would be slightly less comical and cartoonish. Right. Yeah. Of course not fancy like their luxury pickup truck with a gun rack. Exactly. I'm right now. My notes like black people don't use crosswalks. Hilarious. No. And instead of a car, Queen Latifa has magpies with cigars that fly around and her friends. It's great

So much fun great way to tour Boston. I mean, and there's this there's this like really like Just I don't even understand how the makers of the film don't recognize how horribly racist and disgusting this fucking scene is because they show up at Queen Latifa's car And Jennifer Gardner looks at like oh, it's a cheap black person car. Oh Like I mean it's just sorry Negro. I mean, Negro. Negro. Negro. Negro. Sorry. Negro is. Is it? It's Negro. Are you not the room? I don't know what. I would let me feel your. I'm sorry. I'll figure out what you are. You feel these two divots in the back of your head? Okay. So yeah, so like Jennifer Gardner gets into this cheap black person car like she's gonna catch the black or something And then they drive around and black people don't drive good either apparently

So she takes her around to show him like where Tom Brady lives and whatnot Yeah, and by the way, she says my boyfriend is Tom Brady and she's big deal. If your boyfriend is Tom Brady, trust me. He's cheating. Check this phone. Check the phone. Get a warrant and check the phone. I saw him with a white chick. I'm just saying.

So, okay, so then they tore the aquarium for, again, I guess, to make 90 minutes. For nine hours, I wrote in my notes, if this movie wants to switch to being about fish, I'm okay with it. Yeah's just like ooh fish for 20 minutes I'm just like yeah, ooh fish are great. Yeah, right It was like now this is the most entertaining part of this movie is going through the fucking aquarium tunnel in Boston And then they have their Ferris Bueller moment with the Monet painting. Yeah the Giverny and I wrote fuck you

Mo the way Monet captured light isn't about you sick little hit girl You look at some Thomas concait paintings. Who's ever you? You get Thomas concait Fuckin take Monet away from us grownups So while they're looking at that Norman Rockwell painting yeah, right right exactly you get a you get a puppy an adentist bitch Yeah, right right exactly you get you get a puppy an adentist bitch So then they as they're looking at the painting and having a spiritual moment or whatever the doctor calls and Says that a 7 a.m. appointment is open up and they're like it's a miracle and we're like no actually a kid died a

leukemia so try to have some respect but no God is lame at his miracleing and and then we get to meet Dr. Nerco who in any sane movie is the hero and the only real thing This movie is about this guy or the guy that this character is based on is a fucking saint I loved this fucking guy. I wanted his goddamn movie not this movie about this fucking redneck family Anyway now, he kind of looked like Mark Rufalo got left on the dashboard on a sunny day for too long or whatever. We're the best looking guy. Yeah, he looked like Antonio Benderis' less famous younger brother.

Right? He kind of looked like Tony Stark also combined with the game show host from Slumdog Millionaire. I see that. And the Taco Bell dog. All in equal amounts. And by the way, Eli, I feel like you once described someone, is this right? Did you once describe someone as being like,

if Soloncho was a person? Am I remembering this correctly? Did you ever say that? Okay, well, either way, Dr. Nurko looks like if Soloncho was a person. Yes. And I like Soloncho. He's a delightful character. Yeah, does not taste like so

Very very nice. I wrote I wrote my notes. This movie should be called miracles from Narco But it's not so never mind. Yeah, cuz fuck this movie. Yeah, he looks like the host for Hunger Games Mexico City Stanley Tucci otherwise known as Mexico city. Yeah, right But he has excellent bedside manner anywhere. It's an Elmo tie. And that's all I'm looking for in a man. This is how we learn how great a doctor he is. This is how we're supposed to learn anyway.

He's showing her the pictures. You remember this part? The little cartoon. The cartoon. He says, see how these intestines on the left are cool and see how your daughter's on the right are all Fucked up. That's the problem. That's that's why he's a great doctor Well, I love he's just I have a little cartoon here that will explain it to you and I figure you know Okay, I had a children's hospital at nice. They probably do have little cartoons that explain to but what what the cartoon shows is just

Guts with lightning bolts on either side of them like you see your, you see your daughter has lightning bolts in her small intestines. That's never good. You're very specific. It's a very specific episode of Schoolhouse Rock. You're right. So he recommends some cutting edge medicine that might help her digest food. And I bet that was God too.

That was my note. But the side effects are diarrhea and a heart attack. So you know, you got to stick around. Right. effects are diarrhea and a heart attack so you know you got to think around right and then okay so then we go home and where we find mom and dad fighting about money over how the fuck they're gonna afford to go back and forth to Boston so he can monitor her on this cutting edge medicine and of course my suggestion was how about retroactively not buying a fucking

mansion when you don't have a steady paycheck I mean like the house that they're living in is goddamn enormous. Also does mom work? Did mom get a job because maybe that would help with money? Just a thought. She's a mother. Oh, I see. That's well, that's a job too. She bothers doctors right right and she's quite good at it so but this is also where she admits that she doesn't have faith anymore and I believe yes this is in all of her notes as well. She can't even pray anymore. She can't even pray. She can't just wish for stuff. Yeah. She can't do that anymore. And again this movie is not like oh good oh good, you know like experience in some real world shit has You know like woken her up to the follies of believing that a magical skyman will solve all your problems But no this is supposed to be the well, I mean little girl dying of stomach dying diseases one thing but losing your faith

Yeah, so so now we cut over to the church and we see the pastor in a road. Oh no, the pastor has intestinal motility problems. Oh no, he's just fat. Yeah, so this is the scene I guess where the pastor tries her to talk her back into going to church also quick tip if you want your pastor to be sympathetic Maybe don't have a scene that focuses on his giant golden watch Right, I found that super, super distracting during the scene. Well, and then the pastor too, he's just like, he's like, yeah, I heard with those ladies said to you and that was super mean of him. And I'm like, that's the same thing you had just finished preaching about you, Dick. Right.

Also, this is a fantastic, again, Christian movie bingo time to present problem of evil. And he's like, why is God doing this to my daughter? And his answer is literally I don't have an answer for that Yes, great credits Who wants pizza? I'm a spicy Deadpool Kung Fu Panda 3, here we go Yeah, he's like, you must mean the problem of evil So you skeptic, this is not the apologetic you're looking for

And see, but there's still a God So he's skeptic, this is not the apologetic you're looking for. And see, but there's still a God. And obviously to absorb that hefty theological blow, we'll need to take a couple minutes to rethink this whole atheism thing. So we'll pause for a quick break, but before we do, let me give back three of the hard sell. Will God elect to benevolently stop torturing Anna? Will medical science do all the work and get only a passing nod when the credit goes around? Why the fuck didn't I just go see Deadpool find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the protracted conclusion of

Miracles from heaven Hi, I'm here to see the doctor Okay, what time is your appointment? I don't I don't I don't actually have one Okay, well office hours started 7 a.m. And if you don't have an appointment No, you have to understand my little girl is very sick. She has to take trip to more from them at 7.11 and at 4 p.m. and then she needs to get an IVB and an A.G.D. Okay, okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you right there for a second. This is a doctor's office.

Everyone here is sick. Your kid is sick, so are all the sick kids around you. Take a look around you. See anybody here selling Mary K? Did you hear what I said? Office hours start at seven. That means the doctor wakes up at five to get here and work. Usually starts a 12 hour day. If he's a world renowned specialist, he doesn't take vacations. He doesn't actually get time off because all of his care is emergent care. He just comes here, heals the sick in the way that would put your schizophrenic Jew you give a pass to shame eats whatever he can while walking between hallways and then does it over and over and over again And he does all of that while making sure to be nice and not too scary and not too mean and not to miss anything in the

Doesn't patience he's juggling in his head and since he's a specialist They all have the exact same condition and all of those patients waited They waited for a little girl just like yours to die because despite all our hard work when you work with sick kids what they do more often than not is fucking die. Oh you know what never mind my little girl is better. Praise the Lord thank you god miracles are everywhere. I will kill her with a letter opener. I need where's the we had one. I will kill her with a letter opener. I need...where's the...we had one. We had...it was nice. From the makers of Heaven is for real and miracles from Heaven.

Mommy, I feel sick. Don't worry sugar. Mommy's gonna get you to the doctor. Comes the real life story. I'm sorry ma'am, your daughter is dead. What? That happens all the time. Well fuck, fuck you, fuck my shitty kid and fuck God, fuck you right in your puckered mysterious asshole. Coming in summer of 2016, this is what usually happens. The movie. Yeah you owe us a shit ton of money for like medical bills and stuff and like child funeral

coffin stuff. Fuck! And despite the voluntary nature of this podcast we're back for more miracles from heaven and we're gonna open up with a quick going to Boston Medical Center montage. Yeah, I wrote my notes music note, music to finger bang said 17 year old girlfriend I also love that the montage of shots includes like a shot of mom's empty seat at church So apparently the church has a sign seating or whatever There's just no one in that box. Yeah, yeah, I guess all the the Montage also includes Queen Latifa giving Anna black people hair in case you didn't get an operational stereotypes from her in the original Queen Latifah scene. Also, just a little thing, but if you're the kind of person who watches these movies, who

listens to us and then watches the movie with us, at one hour and 17 minutes into the movie, there's a stingray that very clearly is Jewish. That's all I can say. If you watch the movie during this montage, there's just a little rabbinical stingray that's like, hello, oh, you look sick. Are you seeing Knocco? Yeah, Knocco. Knocco is good. Completely missed that. I also love that. Okay, so this is an attempt, I guess, to pull it our redneck heartstrings, but they show us seen in here where dad sold his motorcycle and we're supposed to think Oh wow dad had to get rid of his Harley and I'm thinking yeah, she won a terrible sacrifice for the

well-being of your child man with multiple other vehicles Are you fucking kidding me? It's like the first thing that goes when your kid gets sick, isn't it? But any or more or not a big deal. Yeah, so then the montage basically ends on another scene of Dr. Nurko owing patch atoms royalties at this point. But he's telling the mom like, maybe this isn't going quite as well as we thought it was, we're going to have to do some more testing and shit, which is where we get the magical amulet scene that becomes pivotal.

Oh, I fucking hated this. I already hated this movie and this scene made me hate this movie more than I already hated this fucking movie. So like this, so they have to do this test, which means that Anna is going to have to take off her cross necklace and she doesn't want to because Jesus. And so they're like, okay, well, what if we just put it right here and then the magic Jesus Nistel drip down into the medicine that's actually helping you where Jesus is doing nothing? And she's like, yeah, I guess, I guess that'll work. And that's all a set up so that we can meet the little cancer girl in the bed next door, Haley.

And her mom doesn't love Jesus enough because she's just going to regular die, I guess. Right. Yeah. Her mom left because she has. Oh yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. But her dad doesn't love Jesus either. So. Right. Christophe Waltz, Discan 99 cent store, Christophe Waltz doesn't love Jesus enough. So she's going to die. But before that, we get a fantastic scene where Abby explains that she's like, why do you want your necklace? And she's like, because it means that Jesus is with me. And the little girl who is scared and dying of cancer says, do you think Jesus is with me? And she's like, oh, I'm sure he's with you. That's why he watched you get sick and

lose your hair and be in pain. And if he was anyone else, we would have to use his own cruelty against him to properly punish him for his behavior. But we've given him special moral exemption. So it's totally not. He's just sitting there watching this bald, scared, frightened, dying little girl. But oh, I'm saying, we're gonna get the job. Well, and I'm just saying, like, if I'm'm selling Jesus none of the kids in my movie have bone cancer You have your option of how many bone cancer children to put in your own movie right right around the bone cancer Yeah, there's a way to do it. Yeah, it's exactly So but then on the way out to go get her fucking tester whatever she hands her cross to the little cancer girl and she says,

here mom, I want Haley to be my religion. Right. Okay. And the dad by the, so the dad takes her crystal of Walt's 99 cents or crystal of Walt's takes her outside and he's like, hey, um, listen, I'm sure that your cult is really helping you through this, but maybe don't change my daughter's religion while you and your daughter are in the same room. And she's like, oh, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. And she's like, well, she meant to change her religion. By the way, by the way, super nice. That was a brilliant communist accent theory.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, Haley says to her, like dad. Hey dad, I was thinking um Considering the religion of science has completely failed us. Can I please try out Jesus? Can I please try out Anna's Jesus? And it was she was telling me actually about Pascal's wager Sounds like I'd be stupid not to just you know spread a few chips around the chip you know the table for me to do you know that it's a

intellectual exercise but all i'm gonna say is okay so but when we get that scene like haley's dad is incredibly reasonable with the mom so i know that's what you believe in everything but maybe if you can have a talk with your daughter i don't want to give my daughter false hope in yada yada yada maker think that magic is going to save and shit. We're all trying to deal with something pretty tough And of course in the movie we're supposed to look at that guy like Denying that child Jesus on her deathbed you bastard, right?

And this is actually well, we're gonna get to it So a pause first we've got a flashback to wherever the mother fuckers live because Be older sister miss the soccer audition. Who are these people? Were they in the middle of the night? Well, I love that too, that we're gonna cut straight from, like, little girl is dying of cancer to, oh, and this little girl didn't go to the soccer tryouts. Like, I mean, I can't somehow give a shit at this point.

Like, something about the contrast there, that I don't give a fuck about. Yeah, was this written into the contract? The older sister was like, I just feel like my plat needs to do this. This is the thing. Seriously, I gave up pizza for like a mom. I don't know how long she was sick.

And so then we go back to Boston where we find out that Anna is tired of dying and she wants to go to heaven to which I wrote More good reasons not to give your kid God Right, this is a really good and this is the thing this message is actually really smart It's because the dying kid thing is something that you think is an oh of course moment It would be okay to tell my dying kid about religion or let my dying something be a member No, because this child now thinks that it gets to go to heaven. It doesn't understand death. You've just lied to it about it not being in pain anymore. It's scared.

So it's not going to fight as hard. It no longer wants to live. Right. And if you hadn't set up this false dichotomy between living and magic princess castle land, it wouldn't make that show. Yeah, of course it wants to die. You haven't talked about the magnitude of death because it thinks it just wakes up and fucking Disneyland. Yeah, exactly. And I'm writing in this and my notes like I'm with the kid though. I wanted to die too. I am crazy bored. There's another showing a dead wheel in like 30 minutes. I can make it. I can make it. Yeah, so the daughter is saying to the mom like Hey, listen, I had this idea and you just hear me all the way out before you respond if

You stop giving me medicine hear me out. Give me out Stop. I'll die right away and go to heaven. Hear me out. It's just like we were talking about in the books of the church, everything. It's, well, and the mom is just like, you know, of course, she's at a loss here because what she has to then say is, but I would miss you. And it's just like, I'm being tortured, mom. So if you, you know, if you accept

the actual Christian worldview here, mom's like, well, but I want you to be tortured because I'd miss you if you weren't tortured. Why don't you miscarry me the fuck? Did that with those other two kids also? I just want to say that at this point the movie really lost focus on the plight of the lactose intolerance It's fine, but like I just want to say we have real issues still waiting for that movie And then we go to to dad at the airport

for that movie. And then we go to, to dad at the airport, where he's trying to get the whole family to Boston, but dammit, if all his credit cards are declined, and I'm thinking, and he keeps trying, he's like, well, try this credit card, try this credit, and I'm like, why does a guy with no money have three credit cards? Maybe this is the problem. Right. And everyone, all the extras behind him in airplane line,

we're really trying to get there under five sag credit because everyone behind him in line is like, come on, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're taking another credit card. Oh, I remember, I have to go in a flight. I'm a flyer flight flight. It's just the crazy extra background noise. And this is a thing that happened,

and I believe 2011, who the fuck buys their ticket at the airport? I don't know that I don't even, I wouldn't even know where to go to buy a ticket at the airport peasants People from Texas So he can't he can't afford to pay and the cashier guy at the airport all of sudden finds out that his computer system went down and then And now they can get tickets like if the computer system goes down at the airport

It just becomes honor system Cash your just writes like real tickets on an index car These are real tickets crayon index car. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. You pay us. We trust you eventually crayon index card. It's fine. It's fine. You pay us. We trust you eventually. Yeah, so and of course, that's a miracle. Another very lay miracle from God. The system goes down so they can overdraw their account by 1200 bucks. So then we go back to Boston where we learn that once again that Anna's being a real bitch about dying. Real bitch. And she's like, you need a shower and she goes, and she's like, I don't wanna take a shower. And that's when dad calls,

because she doesn't know he's there, and he's like, you stink. And she's like, how do you know I need a shower? And I wrote the Eli Buffet. So. So yeah, so he goes, because I'm right outside and they all run in and have a happiness fight over top of her Pillow fight. Yeah, and I wrote pillow fight with children guys cut it out

I just came at the vomiting I'm not using my second slouching. Oh this okay This is another one of those times that I had my notes. I had Jennifer Garner and Queen Latifa having a pillow fight Forget to cross another one. Did you let him fall asleep during the movie? I was not asleep. I was straight up hard awake. Yeah, yeah. So then they released her from the hospital

so she can go home and die. And the doctor and the doctor gives her this line. He's like, right now, family is the best medicine. Also this giant pack of pills I'm sending you home with. I'm like, I wrote, I wrote, our family in this swath of drugs of the best medicine. Right.

So then they go back home, and the older sister talks Anna into climbing a tree with her, and I wrote, oh thank God, they're climbing the tree, we're getting there guys. We're getting there. We all wrote, oh thank wrote. Oh, thank god Oh, it did too didn't we?

Oh, good is the tree. Oh, that God is the tree good. I was about to hit this little girl with my car my Great better now. No movies over all the rest of us are better. You had to go for the sake of the team there So now okay, so this is the part where she falls from the tree. And I got to admit, I wasn't expecting her to fall into the tree. Yeah, that was, that was weird. Yeah. So they climb up this tree and the older sister. And all of a sudden, the tree, you know, the branch, they're on, starts to crack. And immediately it becomes extremely

loud up on this branch with his two-grow. It's like engine turbines gone past him. And a little such as like, what? Divehead first towards the knot in the tree. If you say this perforated knot in the side of the tree. Alright. And she does. Yes, and then she falls head first 30 feet into the tree. And I mean, honestly, you know, I was thinking at that point, I'm like, that was really a smart move by the big sister. You know, just kill her off in a way that's going to get it over quick, break her fucking neck.

It's the least cruel thing that we could do, dying with dignity. Crazy billionaire money. We remake this movie, and dad comes out and goes good sealed it up haha haha that bitch is caution and

for it but instead the emergency vehicles show up to pull her out and i thought at that point i'm like holy shit is a lot of tax money been allocated to their bad parenting that's a lot like uh... at a conspension by the way i just realized that a lot like at a spanish very similar story well in the second one yeah yeah so and and and then as the fucking firefighters are trying to figure out how

to get her out of the tree and everything the family gathers around to pray for it because apparently the e-m-t's in shit needed their help. Yes, I find the best and most reliable Processes are the ones you saw when you think your child is yes. Oh, yes The firefighters at EMT's are like hey, hey guys, can you can you do your prayer Congo line to hot hot hot like anywhere else Besides right in our way you're right would you're on the tree you're surrounding the tree yeah we kind of need to get right there also a reporter shows up

uh... because this is big news and basically he says like we're live at the house pretty sure the kids dead in there how about what do you think mom you think the kids dead he is a foot and a half of jennifer gardener needs like she's certainly yet and suffering and burning in Jennifer Gardner what do you think and she's she's doing the just Grenade just exploded thing that's that happens in so many movies where like Yes

So yeah, but the finally they managed to pull her out of the tree in full Jesus pose by the way. Yeah, yeah We're're gonna we're gonna drill holes through hands to run the ropes Oh, no, she's already got him she's already got him just yeah, just have her run him through right there. Yeah, yeah, there you go Maybe ankles So then we cut to the to a different hospital because we just haven't had enough hospitals in this movie where the doctor comes out And he says I don't know how to tell you this But she's fine. Yeah, wait a minute, I'll use Jack Kicker. I'm so sorry to tell you this, but she didn't make it to the room where people are sick.

Steve, you gotta stop doing that. We're being sued by like, let him finish. Let him finish. I'm gonna talk to the way I doctor. I'm gonna doctor the way I doctor. So he says, he's like, yeah, she didn't even get bruised, which is stupid, because we could see the bruises on her. Right, he says, I've never seen someone fall and be okay in my 25 years of being a doctor.

And I was like, really? 25 years, you've never seen someone fall and be okay? Maybe they fell and were okay, and you didn't see them. Right, right, yes, maybe they didn't go to the doctor because they were okay dumbass. And why add the bruises thing? Like God heals deadly illnesses, traumatic head injuries, and also mild bruising,

like that was gonna clinch this for us. Yeah, yeah. So they send her home and now she's doing just fine. She doesn't even need her pain medicine anymore. Why, she's running around and playing soccer like there was never any stomach dying disease at all. Yeah. And her stomach's no longer all swelled up because she's been doing weighted abs. Yeah, you know, you got to do weighted abs.

She knows you can't just do setups and pushups. You got to really... I just boke it up, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's a muscle, yeah,ulks it up. Yeah, exactly. It's a muscle. Yeah, it's a muscle. Yeah. And I had an experience.

So she's a passive aggressive spiritual bitch now. Oh my god. Everything she says is like a depocked Chopra answer. It was whole zine like, when you realize that Jesus is a circle, everybody hates you. Get cancer. God. Well, and she goes, he goes, he told me I'd be fine, and mom goes, who?

And I wanted so bad for her to go, Allah. And she's like, fuck, we really gotta rethink some shit. Damn it. No, honey, you just hit your head. Don't worry about it. Right, and it was just, did you really, it was just, did you really? It's beside, it was beside, it was beside.

If she doesn't have a vision of the black guy from Jessica Jones with two tongues. I Also, I love that mom like just takes her head trauma coma dream at face value as a thing like mom You know you know that she just fell on her fucking hat like if she'd said like I fought with wooly mammoths You wouldn't be like wooly mammoths. Why why how many of they are they still there right but no but the fact that she says that she went to heaven uh mom's buying it entirely which is where we get the the little flashback to little girl heaven which is all pink and butter flies right and the the water is Monet's version of water yeah yeah cloud there's gods of mentalism sheist. She does some psychic talking to God.

Yeah. Well, right, right. Yeah. Mom's actual reaction to the movie. She goes, honey, you spoke to God and the daughter's like, well, you couldn't hear him and he couldn't hear me, but I knew what he was saying. It's like, wow, it's bullshit, even for a dream. Yeah and of course mom goes well you know honey not everyone's gonna believe the brain trauma dream you had was a literal true event and she's like yeah fuck him haters gonna hate yeah exactly they'll get there when they get there yeah it's like oh what about the kids who's what about the parents of the kids who died when are their parents gonna get their ancient mind fucking didin' Did God know what card you were thinking of? Also, I just want to throw this out there.

Two I go to heaven movies. Three visions of heaven and cinema that I've seen so far. No one yet has been as good as Bill and Ted's bogus adventure. No! No! So just sayin', the bar still remains Bill and Ted's bogus adventure. It was bogus journey by the way. Bogus journey. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm

I'm now kind of half-bonded with the guy who bogus journey yeah yeah no i'm i'm i'm i'm now sorry sorry sorry who wrote it so yeah yeah we got it gotta make sure that we're accurate there so then she take some back to dr. nirko and dr. nirko doesn't know what happened therefore god right uh and he says doctors say spontaneous remission that's our phrase to explain the unexplainable that's what the doctor says but yeah but god is only three letters so you know that's right there way shorter than spontaneous

I'm a doctor but I don't really believe in this science so yeah so the doctor can't explain what happened it must have been a miracle from heaven so mom runs out and hugs all the extras and bid actors from the movie Yeah, she celebrates in a waiting room full of dying children in the parents She's dancing on the table in the middle of this waiting room. It's my kids fine. How's your kid doing still got cancer Yeah, there's white cells doing yeah, see I see you spikes a kid no really this helped What religion are you huh? Huh? Yeah? Catholic that's what did it also can we point out how incredibly irresponsible it is for Dr.

Nercro to be like he because he gives her he has the thing at the beginning of the movie He wears the Elmo tie and he can only not wear the Elmo tie when his patient gets better And so she's like what do you think and he takes off the tie and gives it to her like, oh, she's better. That's incredibly irresponsible. This kid's been okay for like a month and a half. Not even a way to know that she's not going to get worse again. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Exactly. She's going to come back and hand you your tie. Here you go, mother. Sorry about that. We actually call it spontaneous remission because the uh... symptoms remitted spontaneous we didn't just pick two random words but there any time back on and rate my nose again let's go

so and we also get the same good by the queen latifa the airport scene uh... to which i just wrote why the fuck was this character in the movie which is what i wrote every time she was there and angel of great already have a cavity i don't need another Why the fuck was this character in the movie? Which is what I wrote every time she was there. Ant Angela. Great. I already have a cavity. I don't need another. We do get a final racist moment though. So that was nice. The look goes like, uh, I notice this doll looks just like you people.

I don't have this. Yeah. And it's this horribly rate. It's like a voodoo doll of a black person made by a Trump voter. It's terrible. I gots me an o'barm or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, uh, mon... I had my notes as like, can I call you Aunt, whatever your name is? Because we kind of feel like the old lady in the front row in front of Noah has two more unused

tissues in her purse and you know we don't want her to waste anything there. She's gonna have to start using butterscotch wrapper. Unwrapping worthers originals just for this case. And now uh so in all the news stories locally they're talking about how this little girl fell into a tree and got cured news stories locally they're talking about how this little girl fell into a tree and got cured. An atheist dad with the cancer daughter from earlier sees the news reports because apparently this is national news. And you know, he realizes that if he loved Jesus, God wouldn't have murdered his daughter with bone cancer. So he has that moment.

Yeah. And we cut to the church where she's gonna give her miracles or miracles speech for fuck sake I I thought to myself. Oh good. She's gonna give a speech and then we'll hear from the 800 million other mothers whose children's just died Yeah, but her speech is basically Albert Einstein believed in me speeches basically Albert Einstein believed in me oh fuck you behind sign can we get me

can we spend a second on okay so the Einstein she says Einstein said there's a two ways to live your life one as though everything's a miracle or as though nothing is now first of all that's quoting Einstein the way david barton quotes Jefferson if Einstein said that he said it in nineteen ninety three because that's the first fucking time it was ever attributed to Einstein Does that I mean that's a fatally flawed bullshit dichotomy? Does that sound like something that Einstein would say that's there's out that's obviously untrue on its fucking face But even if he did say that I would imagine that would be his way of saying yeah, but miracles are really a thing

Anyway, you got to believe that E equals MC square. No, no, no, you don't. It doesn't matter what you believe. It doesn't play dice with the universe guys. Morality. Morality is subject to relative. Wait, hold on. That's the stuff. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut right there, cut right there. Now we start again. Yeah, and I wrote down here and I'll admit I had to look it up. But but i wrote if you want to quote Einstein and a sermon here's a good one for you i cannot imagine a god who rewards and punishes the object of his creation whose purposes are modeled after our own a god short who is but a reflection of human frailty

neither can i believe that the individual survives the death of his body although feeble souls harbors such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms that's a real Einstein quote for you lady got the communist acts of yeah right right i got a try to win more time i can't even imagine a god yes any who so and then and then we get the reveal where it actually shows all of the quote unquote miracles we saw in the movie and they turned out to be just people doing she's are not here. No, these are people doing real things. These people are literally

being good without God. This is a yes. The reveal is a humanism commercial. Right, right. Like so like the one is that like when they had to take the daughter to the ER, they had a caller friend to come over and watch the fucking kids while they were at the ER and she wouldn't you know At that lady had to bring her baby with her But didn't tell him that they had she had to bring the baby so whatever and the guy oh the fucking the airport thing Oh my god, he shut off It was even dumber than we thought the guy just turned off his monitor. That's nothing

That's like a bank manager turning off his desk lamp and handing you 12-1 cash. Because money doesn't count in the dark. Like, you kidding me? It was so fucking stupid. And yeah, they're like, oh yeah, it wasn't God that God heard that 7 AM appointment with a doctor. It was that fucking receptionist that you braided like a horrible bitch for 15 minutes and didn't want you coming back right so for the record miracles are human kindness medicine human kindness spontaneous remission yeah right the router for 10 seconds the other miracle what was the message of this what I already know that there's not a god why would you tell me that anyway so yeah the the the miracles are fully

explicable things that we know the cause for and aren't divine. That's the message of the movie. And then of course, for the third time in this film, the problem of evil comes up. You know, she's like, I don't know why my little girl live when so many others die. It's almost like the whole world is governed by impersonal natural laws or something, but it's not those other kids. Yeah. or something but it's not those other kids yeah and then in an absolutely crazy moment the mean lady from earlier like it's Q&A just goes how do we know your daughter was sick yes people will say

well and I love how they have to like the movie is like very clearly said if you doubt this you're the same bitch that came up to the girl earlier and said that her sins were keeping the daughter from getting better that's you you sound like your back but so does the rest of the audience because they're like yeah it does sound like that but it's okay because 99 cent store Christoph Waltz comes to her record and this is how he comes to her rescue. He says, my daughter died. Quote, she suffered a great deal and quote. All right, I'm already buying the God bit. His conclusion to that is like, thank you so much for lying to my daughter, not how come she didn't get a butter

for it. Well, and then he's going like, you know, she was suffering for a very, very, very, very, very, very long time. But what's Haley got that cross from Anna? She really enjoyed dying. She was quite fond of it once she was on board with Jesus, so... Those last two weeks before dying at age 8. Yeah, it was awesome. Thank you for lying to my child. At least make up a good lie. Hey, when you die, you turn it to a robot ninja that refuels by fucking Megan Kelly. Sorry, I can't.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fucking walk around Monet's pain. That's my new heaven. I'm trying to what dreams may come me. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, and so also, I feel like this monologue from the atheist with a dead daughter only exists so that the mom who wrote this can feel less guilty

about exploiting our daughter's illness Sure, and then the movie admits that they they have all the reasons in the world to just make this shit up and then we get The slow clap Right, oh me or god the slow yeah the atheist dad with a dead daughter who says now I believe in Jesus because he killed my kid the atheist dad with a dead daughter who says, now I believe in Jesus because he killed my kid, gets a slow clap from the church. We're gonna sing Old Lang Zine now with the fucks having. Slow clap.

They cut to them eating pizza. So yeah, everybody's fine now. They can once again eat pizza because she's healed. And they open up the fucking pizza and I thought I was gonna vomit. It almost gave me Soodle obstruction motility disorder. It looks so disgusting Mike is that did you just put fucking Heinz ketchup on some bread there?

Pizza looks like it came from an easy bake oven. Oh, it's like that pizza. I'm like, oh god If I was that little girl, I'd wanted to just have died. Yeah, this looks like rejected lunch I can see why you're eating, and like why you were getting fucking bowel disorders by eating that kind of shit. I mean, okay, look, I'm sorry. I gotta focus on this for just a second, because I used to like, I used to manage a couple of pizza places

back in my youth, and this is the pizza that I would use is the example. I'm like, if you fuck things up bad enough, people, you will send human beings this. Don't make the only Tom and Cecil will eat this Nobody else in the world would eat this See now that earned a slow clap right there Yeah, and and and then we cut to um call the lasagna time

It's called the lasagna Just have a lasagna if you want a lasagna Don't give it a crust if you're eating it with a spoon. It's not a good spot you know yeah Exactly and then we get this great little moment where we get to meet the real family that this is based on this and this Almost won me back to loving the back because the whole family is fat. There's regular people, but they're fat. I'm guessing the the

the extended belly thing was a lot less impactful in real life. I get the prepared. I too would have no idea that my intestine stopped working just by looking at my stomach. I would have. Well, I also have a sneaking suspicion that missing the all-star soccer tryouts for the oldest daughter was probably just saving her some embarrassment to but uh apparently those motherfuckers wanted me to

run Jesus they didn't even let me I bought McDonald's they didn't let me bring it on the field I would like no food to drink on the field it's bullshit I mean now I play bass clarinet. Well, and that begs the question though, it's like, why didn't they just use fat actors? I mean, like, like, it always blows me away like in monster, right? They need a horribly ugly woman. So they hire Charlize Theron and make her look horribly ugly for the part. Like, just use fat kid actors. They're looking for work. We're not gonna, we're not gonna be looking at this fucking little girl through this movie and saying yeah

I mean she's got you know Stomach dying disease, but I don't think she's gonna be all that fuckable later anyway They probably they probably cast the real family and then the pizza giving away scene didn't work and there's Nobody's doing it. No, it's in the script guys. It's just you know You can have it except for fucking you can have it. It's not real that you're promising You can have it. You can have it. You can have it. It's not real.

You're promising. I'll stab all of you guys like actors. And then it all closes off. And, all right. So, when I got home, I looked up this story, okay? Because I wanted to see if like anybody had done a skeptical treatment of it or whatever. And no one had. As a matter of fact, there were no contemporary news articles about this whatsoever

that mentioned anything about her like having had a stomach disorder and then not having the stomach disorder afterwards. The only things that the fucking news items like the local news item said at the time was little girl falls out of a tree and doesn't get hurt. Hooray, right? That was it. But I also bought a went ahead and Googled and I you know I'm'm not, I don't want to come off as a Google MD here. But from as near as I can tell, pseudo obstruction motility disorder is like it's, it's a disorder that you generally recover from. Okay, like, like it is the fact that it went away is in zero need of explanation. That would be like going like, well, how did those chicken pox suddenly go away then I mean this is not a disease that is like a There is like a chronic version of this disease, but it generally shows up at birth usually if somebody gets this they then get better when like the It's like a secondary infection or something or it's like it's it's it's a response to a drug that they took or something like that like there is no

I took her something like that. Like, there is no mystery here whatsoever, the little girl, the disease ran its course. It's like hitting your head and saving your baby teeth with it. Yeah. No, that's a crap. Okay, what? Also, and if you think about it, okay, so because we saw the girl and she's rolling around

on the hospital bed all, I'll say good everything, wouldn't you think that if that girl was climbing a tree that might be because she was already starting to feel a little better? You know, I mean, when you think that the disease was already easing off, yeah, right, right. And also, like, I mean, the movie repeatedly points out that the family was broke even before the illness

that they were desperately in need of money. And, hmm, let's see see about a year before this happened uh... the boy who went to heaven became a new york times best seller the heaven is for real was a new york times best seller and i wonder where she got the idea and yet if you guys think of anis lips and falls and hits her head i'm not instantly gonna turn into a christian podcaster your all

uh... also i found jesus to a Christian podcaster, you're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. Also, I found Jesus tomorrow. I mean, I also find it interesting that, because I watch some interviews with the real Christy beam that Jennifer Garner's character is based on. And in the interviews, like the way that she like tries to bolster the claims of this being a miracle, is by telling people about the details that she saw,

that the daughter saw what she went to heaven. You know, like like she met her dead sister like the kid from heaven is for real met her fucking miscarried sister And and described what Jesus looked like or whatever and it looks at on Jesus's lap It's almost exactly the same fucking story that the heaven is for real kid. Did she run into the heaven is for real? Kid there was it awkward? Are you gonna write a book to? Yeah, my mom isn't gonna make a lot of money off of it and you know Maybe even a movie and yeah, so like yeah exactly this entire movie is based on the recollections of an unconscious Eight-year-old girl with head trauma, but I also want to point out that like the story is actually a little worse I think a couple interesting and kind of unrelated notes here. Okay. First of all, in real life, the family waited two hours.

After that little girl fell into the fucking tree before they called 911. And no one will ever convince me that's not because they didn't stand around the tree for an hour and a half going, come on, Jesus. I mean, we leave her in there. We leave her in there, right?

Like, come on. We can, we really, I mean, you know, we could all just go back inside the house right there. Have pizza pizza and everything or that they spent two hours wishing to Jesus or something Also in real life Anna was fully conscious during the rescue She even tied her own safety harness because no one of the grownups could fit through also According to multiple stories the dad immediately after this promise to cut the fucking tree down because it was such a hazard and so many kids We're getting hurt on this fucking tree

But as we learned in the movie he didn't, it eventually just fell down in a storm and probably could have hurt somebody then. And also, again, in no contemporary article about this was Anna's medical condition or miraculous recovery mentioned. That doesn't show up until 2015 when Christie Beam is running around doing her fucking book tour. So, at any rate, I just, like, the more I learned about that, the more the whole concept pissed me off, because people are gonna walk out of this movie going like, well, what about that case of that girl in Texas

who had that un-curable fatal disease? No, she didn't! She didn't. I don't wanna diminish what the little girl went through. This is a very, very difficult disease to go through, and the tubal feeding is really, really fucking rough, and she had to take a lot of drugs and shit, and she was obviously in great pain several times

in everything, but the fact that the mother's using that to fucking make her living, like exploiting that illness and all the shit that her daughter went through to not only make her fucking living by selling a book but also by selling her fucking religion, that's a horrible bitch thing to do. She should get that real atheist dad to just go around and like shill at book tours for it.

Pop up in the audience. No it's real. I believe it's true. I'm an atheist. Yeah. Fuck this movie. And while that does it for our review of Miracles from Heaven that's not gonna quite do it for the episode just yet because we still need to leave y'all tingly for next week's show. So Eli tell us what's on deck? Mercy Rule! One step closer to completing Kirk Cameron's filmography. Yeah, this is a Kirk Cameron Little League baseball movie. I bet they sport really well. I bet they sports all the sports. And by the way, the preview for this, we'll come up with this on YouTube because the preview for this is opened and end-capped with Kirk Cameron being like, I loved making this movie and the best part was,

I got to play husband and wife with my real wife. She had to kiss me and I didn't have to tire up or anything. Sorry. I don't know, we're gonna put that. Ha, ha, ha. And it actually started raining in the middle of his little bump video. It was fantastic, yeah.

We're keeping it right, yeah, we're just, whatever, just, it doesn't. I love it. And also he's like he's telling you who's in the fucking movie and he's like, you know what? So fucking good. I can't do it justice. I'm just gonna play you a quick clip of who's in the movie. And guess who else is in it? Boss Routin from Here Comes the Boom. You know, twisty, he plays the coach and Comedian Tim Hawkins, you know the Chick-fil-A song guy This is his very first feature film and he plays my brother. How great is that? And I should point out he does a little hand motion with that He does a little like shaking a fucking thing by his head twisty

So there's a there's a there's a there's a mine there you have to Yeah, twisty. So there's a there's a there's a there's a mine there you have to Fucking preview and by the way, I was very excited. They actually did based on the preview anyway Get some real baseball players for this like there was baseball being played by people who had played it before but I'm pretty sure I saw Two base runners going in opposite directions. Yes, you did It might actually happen in real baseman for like a second, once in a while, on like a double play, but not a great sign.

Not a great sign. No. Tag here, it was like. Also, they were having a lot of fun with the super slow in the preview. Like there's one shot where it's just a kid throwing a baseball in super slow motion, but he's not throwing it at anything.

It's just like he's throwing a baseball across the yard. Yeah, I thought he was throwing it at a girl's face in the preview because there's like a shot of a girl watching and I was like, is he gonna hit her in the face with a baseball? Yeah, but that would have required something to happen. So yeah, basically it's the preview is just like fucking Kurt Cameron given his version of the Al Capone speech from the Untouchables and interspersed with like weird like vacation movie level montages of kids playing baseball. This should be a blast.

Oh, I can't wait. So with all that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 31 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating atheist and the skeptic rat which are available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have

questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email Godawfulmoveies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nicke Veeville Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Brown. Tom Brady went on to be found guilty of way more cheating than we thought which pretty much invalidated the entire New England Patriots dynasty of the last decade and a half It's a mirror fuck you fuck you boss God continued to murder 14 children a minute because he only has so many butterflies An assistor later died when she tried to heal her broken ankle by jumping headfirst down a tree. That was the restorious talk. It's a mess to this stupid fucking movie. Ben-oh-oh.

Brick-oh-oh. BANG! BANG! Yeah, seriously, like, I don't know how many tongues he has, but like, sometimes it was in between his tits and sometimes it was in his mouth but it was just like a wet sloppy vessel of pleasure there was no fucking way I should have just taken a video of you trying to hold it together while you were going

through that shit. When you fucked up and had to do it, you started over there. Yeah, yeah, there's no way he's going to make it. Oh.