God Awful Movies - 310: Unidentified

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Unidentified, the story of Rich Christiano feeling like the "but what if they're demons?" question wasn't being asked enough about the UFO phenomenon. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Okay, there is no way that's that man's real hair. That is action figure hair, right? On his head? I'm getting the good plugs because I'm going to be in a Hollywood movie. I'm getting these done at the mall next to Annie's pretzels. No spare expense. Give me a cheese jalapeno. Yes. Not the plugs cheese jalapeno. Yes

Not the plugs not the plugs. Oh, I got cheese jalapeno plugs I don't even know why they offer those Not awful movie Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Welcome back to the GameCast, or each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, because if we didn't, you'd notice. I'm your host, Noah Luzon, since sitting 700 miles to my immediate left, as my good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Christian, my brothers. I missed him so much. So delightful. So delightful. So excited.

Oh man, this was. It was worth the wait and sitting 900 miles to my north east is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Christiana brother. So tell us, he what will be breaking down. They made a movie. We watched unidentified.

It's the story of walking that fine line of journalistic integrity by presenting both weather balloons and literal demons and the leader. And Eli how wonderfully bad was this movie? Well, if you thought aliens traveling at inconceivable speeds impossibly far across the universe to probe your cousin's butt was stupid, but not nearly dangerous and well-funded enough. You love this movie. It is literally Bigfoot isn't real, he's a demon, the movie. Oh, it's delightful. And of course,

as we've already mentioned, this one comes to us from one of our all time favorite writer directors. If you're new to the show or if you just haven't memorized quite as much Christian cinema lore as we have, I should let everybody know. Seriously. You're a core stenographer somewhere. So yeah. So this is from the incredibly litigious rich Christiano. This is the man who gave us second glance. A movie so good that I had to write a god damn love poem for it. Time changer. Remember that that was the movie about a man who from like the 1800s who traveled to the modern day and noticed nothing at all except for like how much more risqué the advertisements

of the day are. And of course his masterwork matter of doubt. We're in a man wins a debate by crying and storming off of a stage. And this honestly this might have been his best worst movie. I think it was. We have now tracked Rich Cristiano's arguing ability across enough films that we can see terrifyingly. He has gotten better at arguing between this film and matter of doubt. Oh, okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate?

This one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst juice. You kind of have a bad, how dare you. Okay. So the adults who work at this journalism magazine, multiple times in this movie, they, one of them goes out to the deli to get food and drinks for the rest of them

and every single time the first person orders like, I love cookies and juice. Somebody else is like, oh, I mean, you know, you're a grown up. Do you mean like the the oddwala thing or like the naked juice? He's like, Apple. And it's like, all right. Apple juice. It is so, it's like everyone just started taking out candy necklaces and eating them and the

movie never acknowledged it. They're just all having a fucking fun dip. They're trying to break the story. It's such a terrifying insight into rich Christian life. Right. Right. That coffee or a soda would have been way too controversial for his audience. And I was gonna, of course, I stole the other easy one. I went with best worst stumbles.

So there's three times in the course of this film. Aliens will come for people. And in every instance, they'll start off by running away from the flying saucer and then redidly stumbling as though there must be a better way to get away from aliens, you know, it is hilarious and everyone is more ridiculous. Yeah, it's like hockey players tripping over the blue line. Yeah, it's amazing. A lady towards the end, the final stumbling will, will fail to stumble, catch yourself and be like, Oh, right, stumble. Now, I was almost going to go with best worst alien bait, but I will admit, I wrote that before I watched the end of this movie. So I'm going to go with a controversial take and say, best worst last words.

Okay. Now, as I've said, we watched Rich Cristiano's Matter of Doubt where the debate ends with someone crying and storming off stage. But this movie essentially ends with two for flinching Jesus' Is there a Lord and Savior? Yes.

Yes. Oh, the ending of this, just,'m not going to spoil it for you, listener. I'm just going to tell you the ending of this movie is God damn glorious. Yeah. All right. Well, we'll tell you what we got a lot of substrates. It's crazy to scrape our way through to make it to the end of this flick. So we're going to take a second grab our shovels, but we'll be back in a minute with all the flagrant insanity of unidentified. back in a minute with all the flagrant insanity of unidentified. So I'm thinking that like, you know, I'm at the grocery store and then you walk over. I want to do it. I want to do it now.

Heath, we have to do add. No, I just want to just start talking about it now. Fine, but only because it's the first one. We're doing a sketch next time. Okay. Great. Hello, podcast listener. I'm Heath. How are you? Heath, it. Hello podcast listener. I'm Heath. How are you?

Heath, it's a podcast. It's a part. You don't know. Maybe maybe they were what? Okay, it doesn't matter. How are you? Just it's out there. It's in either. So what does matter? Is this week's sponsor is Moink and they sent us bacon and that bacon is so good. He's right, it is very good. My wife assures me that it is in fact good. Yes. It is amazing. Moink delivers grass fed and grass finished beef and lamb,

pastured pork and chicken, and wild carolask and salmon direct to your door, helping family farms become financially independent outside of big agriculture. That sounds pretty awesome, Heath. But tell me, Heath, is there a best part? There is definitely a best part. That's such a good question. Sign up at minkbox.com slash awful

to get a year of bacon for free and then pick what meats you want delivered with your first box, change what you get each month and cancel anytime. Wow, that sounds really good. But can you tell us a little about the company? Moink was founded by an eighth-generation farmer who's featured on Shark Tank. Fun fact, host Kevin O'Leary said it's the best bacon he's ever tasted, and I actually agree, it is the best.

And Jamie Simanov, creator of the Ring Video Doorbell, he invested in Monk. Ooh, well, if the Ring Doorbell guy invested in it, it must be delicious bacon. It is. They guarantee you will say exact words, oink oink, I'm just so happy I got Monk'd. Okay, that can't possibly be in the cup. It is literally in the cup.

Wow, their bacon is so good that they try to sell it Okay, that can't possibly be in the copy. It is literally in the copy. Wow. They're baking is so good that they try to sell it by saying, oink oink, I'm just so happy I got moinked. Moinked. And people buy it. Yep. Yep. It is that good.

Like just so good that that is literally in the copy. Mmm. So join the moink movement today. Go to moinkbox.com slash awful right now. And listeners to the show get free bacon for a year. That's one year of the best bacon you'll ever taste, but only for a limited time. It's spelled M-O-I-N-K box.

dot com slash awful. That's moinkbox.com slash awful. Moink meat so good. You'll give some as a gift to your drug dealer. I feel like the heathen dealer spent was probably fine. I did though because I I couldn't eat the steak because of the dentures. He loved it. He did? All right, Dave. You ready to write our next big hit movie?

I sure am rich. All right, let's spin the Wheel of Culture. Sure, I'm rich. All right, let's spin the Wheel of Culture. And it's aliens. Aliens. Hmm. Hey, we, we don't believe in aliens, do we? No, no, we don't, but we do believe in demons, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe aliens are demons.

That is what we believe. Yep. All right. So maybe we can make a movie about that, like where the, you know, like some news reporters or something discover that. Oh yeah, like the X files. You've seen the X files? No, no, have you seen it?

No, oh no. Okay, so just like the X files. Exactly, good job brother. Good job to you. Shall we celebrate with a refreshing high C? High C? You said it. Mmm. Mmm.

We're literally millionaires. Yep, sure are. Can I try the grape? No. Oh. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open up on those three little words that always make Andrew's heart skip a beat.

Chris Gianno film group. And I want to say we open up here with I have it down in my notes as final boss in the shooter from a 90s music. Yeah. Yeah. The music is telling us that Michael Marshall is calling from inside of the house. Yeah. And we get like, you know, I don't know all of the 77 bars of this music because we're

watching names just rise out of smoke for like, I don't know, four fucking minutes to open this thing, right? And none you've ever heard of, right? It's not like we're introducing Al Pacino, it's like Walter T. Smitherson. Yeah, right, right. But eventually at long last, we open on October 30th, 1938,

where a bunch of old time-in-new angliners are freaking the fuck out. Okay, fun fact, that actually didn't happen. So there's supposed to be freaking out of the world. The world's here, right? Yeah. Orson Wells war the world's broad house. Yeah. So fun fact, that didn't actually happen with any significance. Nope. News papers were just mad that radios were stealing their ads. So they acted like it was a big deal. It's kind of like how today's news can't stop reporting to the internet, rats your brain. Yeah, well, exactly. Exactly. It's an urban legend about an urban legend, right? Wait, so that wasn't like a really problematic, impactful hooks.

Not really. No, there were a few people who had, but there wasn't even like a significant rise in phone calls to the radio stations or anything like that. And if you ever listen to the broadcast, it's obvious because they're like, the aliens are attacking. We take a break from this year's radio program to tell you about math, delicious and nutritious. I have semi-bred for Syria. All right. Back to the aliens and what they would be like, this is a radio program. A lot of five dentists recommend math. Yeah, right. So I mean, maybe they need a break, you don't know. All right, so, but then we cut to some air traffic.

Well, okay, we have three different groups that are all gonna like spot this alien in the present day, starting with a couple of air traffic controllers talking sports. Yeah, we get air traffic controllers talking sports. Yeah. We get air traffic controllers talking sports, Guy and a truck having like, I don't wanna visit your parents' conversation and kids camping out, telling scary stories,

but because this was written by the Christian brothers, all three of those versions are done insane. Right. They make no sense. So, okay, the kids telling the ghost boys yes one kid is like doing that thing and he's like did the butler do it did the maid do it did Colonel muster do it yes he did got him got him that's not that works I wanted one other kid in that group to be like 45 minutes, Cheryl. This is why we hate it. This is why you don't get a. You list it's rule of three is 45. You see

the factor of 15 there. And the air traffic controllers are talking sports, but they obviously don't know any of the sports. So it's just like, well, if you're upset with the coach, you should write him a letter. Maybe I will write him a letter. You begin that to whom it may concern, or can you start familiar? I would start to whom it may concern. Okay. Dear serves or man. It's going to be serves, right? Yeah.

So and then also, of course, the guy in the truck is having the most generic in law. It's not that I don't like your father. It's that he and I don't agree on several issues that are of importance to, oh my God, please someone say cut. Yeah. Sure hope I don't get abducted by aliens right now.

Right. This very moment. Yeah, but then like everybody looks into the sky, you know. Yeah, look at that very well done alien spaceship. We sure didn't blow our whole budget on fancy credits. No, you know. Yeah. Look at that very well done alien spaceship. We sure didn't blow our whole budget on fancy credits. No, we trust us. It looks awesome. Yeah.

And then of course, this is where we get the first of my best worst because the guy who's in the truck is truck stops working. Then he sees the aliens and he goes to run away. And he falls like from falling. I don't know if that's the case. I like falls within his phone. My toddler has a new thing now when he walks over a place that he's not supposed to be.

When we walk him back, he pretends to fall down so he can be in the place. He's not supposed to be. That's how this guy falls down. I feel like this actor was like, I have nine good falls. I would like you to use all of them. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah.

He falls twice. It's pretty good. All right. And then we cut to the magazine office where the majority of this movie is going to take place. We meet Lauren who is pitching story ideas to Brad and Vince. Yeah. Lauren looks like Jennifer Aniston's getting kissed by David Schwimmer stunt double.

I feel like Jennifer Aniston liked that better when it was the double. And Brad is going to be our atheist and skeptic. And we could tell that because he looks like a porn star from 1991 and literally no other possible year. I thought he was attracted to, I guess, I'm attracted to 91 porn stars. That would actually make a lot of sense. What I've learned. Yeah. No doubt about that. And Vince, who's sort of his sidekick, I just have down as baby Rob Schneider throughout the entire. All right. I'm accurate. No, it's have down as baby Rob Schneider throughout. Okay. All right. Let's accurate. No, it's like the halfway between Rob Schneider and Nordmic Donald, yeah.

Sure. Yeah. So everything you need to know about how good Rich Cristiano is at writing dialogue. You find out in this opening fucking sequence where Lauren is trying to like pitch different story ideas. So all he's got to do is come up with three random ideas for news stories that will be rejected. And every one of them is a fucking nuts.

Yup, it's nuts. He could not think of bank robbery, storm, opening of a pigly wiggly instead. He's like, okay, three ordinary stories. Lady football player, fountains are stupid. I could turn myself inside out with a wet towel. Shit. Sorry.

What was the second one? Fountains are stupid. Yeah. So he was, he was like, well, everybody loves stories about wasteful government spending. How about this one about a fucking fountain in downtown Atlanta? And it was just like, Rich, are you anti fountain?

Really, really Rich Cristiano is anti the statues in downtown. Yeah, right. In whatever year this was. I bullshit. I like it because you ever see like Matt Gates or Cawthorner or one of those fucking fakers try to guess what the stupid idiots who vote for them want. So they're like, I'll tell you what Tucker Carlson, I hate how wet the donuts are.

Oh, grandpa is like, well, what donuts? That's how rich Cristiano writes style. I thought you were gonna name a race for sure. Yeah. Can we also point out that the magazine is called both sides. That is literally the, they're literally both sides in it in the fucking tight. Right, right.

Oh. Also, every wall in this, in this magazine office has a poster about themselves. Yeah, like a cover poster. Yeah, one of them says, Gene Therapy, the hope and the fear. Yes. One of them says, flat tax. Is it time? That one was written by Ben Carson.

That was written by Ben Carson. And another one said social security. And I think the sub-header was, do we want that? Ridiculous. This is the dumb. This is, this is Atlas shrugged the magazine. Right. Yeah, exactly.

But while they're trying to find a good story, Vince, baby Rob Schneider, comes across a story about a man who says he was abducted by aliens on the internet. So holy shit, hold the presses. Am I right? Literally, their boss is like, well, look, you're going to Houston, which is two hours away from the alien thing. Just why don't you go up a day early and see if aliens are real?

Or not both sides. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Exactly. can see if aliens are real. Or not, both sides. Yeah, right, right, exactly, exactly. To Brad's credit, who will be my favorite throughout this movie in spite of looking like he's part of a boy band slash creativity and addiction recovery unit, will be like, oh, okay, I checked, aliens aren't real. Can I have a day of vacation now?

Right. He's my fucking hero. He needs to just punch people in the face for the rest of the movie and he never does amen I was mad oh I love it I love how over the top they had to go with this character too so but he this is also where we meet our main character Keith right because the the boss Roy is like all right Brad you have to go and check out this UFO story when you go down to Houston with Keith. Now Keith will be our not quite Christian enough at the beginning, but Christian enough by

the end character. Yeah. And I'm pretty sure he's what Rich Cristiano thinks a Latino looks like. He's not, but I'm pretty sure Rich Cristiano didn't know that. And he was like, look at that diverse casting. Yeah. right. I got an Australian. I got a Mexican and I got a woman.

I'm nearly. Latino. That means round, right? Round space. And fucking stock airplane landing footage be damned. We are now in Texas. Okay. And Keith and Brad are stopping

at a cafe in the town where the abductee guy lives. Yeah, they just walk in. They're like, hello, random diner, Philip people. We're looking for Randy Mitchell. It works. It's a weird fucking plan, but everybody's like, oh, Randy fuck Bill Braski, of course. Yeah, Norma. Yeah. Well, again, you can see the working of Rich Cristiano's mind, right? Cause there was a moment where he was sitting in his little typewriter and he was like, how do reporters find someone? Diner. Diner and ask if they yell out loud, the person's name like they're taking attendance. Like they're trying to like get a dog to show back up.

Ready? Ready, ready, middle. Yeah. And this is where we meet the two elderly gentlemen that you asked those made me be the first one to write old Tom and Cecil in the notes about. Excellent. Yeah. I have them as statler and Waldorf, and then I expect like six pages of notes trying to

analyze whether or not statler and Waldorf are a gay couple. They are. That's Muppet Cannon now. Okay. Yeah. I think it was like a Bert and Ernie vibe. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Very much so. I never got a couple vibe. I feel like Bert and Ernie are a bad gay relationship. That learned Waldorf are a couple goals. That learned Waldorf are goals for you in a relationship. Yeah. Okay. I just wanted to circle back to that real quick.

Old and roasting people, Rich. So, okay. Okay. You know what? With John. Yeah. But the reason, of course, that you have to look at these two as a couple is because of this amazing moment of weird Christian actor space work,

because they're laughing. And one guy goes to put his hand on the other guy Shoulder like haha and he realizes that that doesn't work because he's too far away So he just lays his hand on his boob for a second I Cress my boob because you just or just because you wanted Holds it there because otherwise it would be obvious that this was weird Out now

Don't do walk like an Egyptian handspan. So don't do this. Shhh. Shhh. Along my lips either. Y'all, you're doing it. Okay. Okay, damn it.

But yeah, but they tell them where they can find Randy the abductee. So they go to the body shop where he works in the greasy faced department. He works in the smudge department. He works in the smudge department. Yeah, but not so okay. You picture somebody's a mechanic and it's like okay, yeah, they got some dark smudges from like whatever oil and dust and whatever the dark stuff that's on the underside of a car.

But this guy has one smudge as if he pushed his face into a stamp. He got it's like a perfect. Yeah. He's so silly. And which point out, Randy looks like Lou Diamond Phillips is being Lou Diamond Phillips stunt double. It's very, very close. Yeah.

So they want to talk to him. And of course, he doesn't want to talk to them because if there's one thing UFO abductees have in common, it's a hesitancy to talk to everyone they can fucking don't still up that way. Wait, wait, wait. So he talked to the local news and then the national news got there and he was like, oh, this is kind of private. I really just meant that for the local papers. Sorry, really quick. Are you both sides or one or what?

How many sides are you doing? Yeah, but like, didn't they just inadvertently encapsulate the exact problem with that dumbass, simplistic idea of a both sides magazine? Maybe aliens abducted Billy Bob. Maybe reality is still real. Let's devote equal numbers of column inches to both possibilities. Yeah. At one point during this conversation, because he doesn't want to tell them he goes, leave me alone or I'll call the police. And I just picture him. Hello, police. These guys

asked me to tell the story I told everybody. Hey, Randy, you got to stop calling us, man. What did we say last time? It was earlier today. Report fake murder. Right? Yeah. So, so yeah, so Brad's ready to give up, damn it, but Keith isn't ready to give up damn it. So the head back to the, uh, diner to talk to elderly Tom and Cecil instead, because, because Rich Cristiano didn't realize he could have just added this information to the first scene with these guys. I was like, wait, I got something. I got something. I have to skip them because we already said the other stuff. Yep, it goes here.

But ultimately, elderly Tom remembers that there were also camping kids in the intro and air traffic controllers. So yeah, we get one of several Colombo moments where it's like, hold on, one last thing. What about those kids? Like, oh, yeah, okay. like hold on one last thing. What about those kids? Like, oh yeah, okay. Yeah, we're journalists. I you're doing the Columba thing. What about those kids?

Yeah, fine. So yeah, so they they talked to the air traffic controllers. They don't want to talk to them. So they they round out the intro. Try back the by stalking one of the kids. Hello, child. We are full grown adults who just stepped out of a car in front of you. We would like to talk to you in our back seats now, please what the fuck the first lot before that even happens the first line in the scene

Is Brad saying to Keith you do realize these kids are gonna think we're stalking them Yeah, and I was like hey pro tip Stop what you're doing Hey, pro tip, stop what you're doing. You got to stop. Well, also, let's be super clear what they're doing is stalking children, right? Keith says, come on, I talked to somebody in the school. They told me all the kids that were involved. They gave me their addresses and said that this kid had the best view.

And I'm like, who the fuck did you talk to? He told me the best bush to pop out of. We're right here. So why don't you just hop in there with me. We're gonna do that. It's a Catholic school. Okay. He really likes Charleston Choo.

So that's what I'm talking about. So yeah, so they pop out on the kid that was telling the ghost story and they're like, hello, young man, we understand you were the one with speaking lines and that opening the scenes. So we thought we'd talk to you, but he doesn't, he doesn't want to talk to him either. And Brad's like, okay, so everyone we've talked to has said they don't want to talk about this. There's no story here, but keep this like, damn it, Brad, there's obviously a movie here.

I checked that little bar at the bottom of the screen and everything. Hey, just listen to that. Do you hear that? You hear that music? Why would that be weird about this? There wasn't some mysterious going on. Oh, no, you're singing it now. That's you. Don't do banana. So Keith and Brad go back to the magazine headquarters. And they're like, so how was the big alien story of brass? Like it was stupid and he's like, it wasn't stupid.

And there you go. It's both sides magazine. You got to imagine that's how it usually goes. It starts with Brad, the atheist guy. He's gonna, we're gonna find out he's the voice of reason. He's like, yeah, I was a giant waste of time. UFO stuff, his dumb, I told you that. And I was proving so hard for it just to be like,

oh, end of movie. Credit start to scroll up. We checked. It's a no. No, no, nothing there. But instead, so Keith starts telling the tale like he's recounting everything they learned in the style of a flamboyant movie lawyer making his closing argument. He's doing like the JFK speech. He's doing like back into the left. And he's doing it as a walk-in talk, but everybody in the office with him is way too fucking close to do a walk-in talk.

So he takes like a step-in-half and then he's like, I'm touching your face. That's turned back around. Can you guys spread it so I can walk it up? I want to do a loop or something. Yeah. But yeah, but Brad isn't buying any of this bullshit. Roy, the boss, he's like, but wait a minute, thousands of people would all have to be

stupid or liars for any of the dozens to maybe thousands of Americans that are stupid liars. Come on. Come on, man. Yeah, at least you don't have to worry about anyone making that argument after the year 2016 Never again Lauren pipes in here. She goes most of the people who see aliens are credible witnesses like doctors Engineers and people who work in the military and I wrote my notes. Okay, one one of these things doesn't belong Right, right exactly right and of them don't believe whatever. There's dumb doctors and engineers too. Yep. Ben Carson was a doctor. Yeah.

That's true. That's true. Elon Musk is an engineer. Fuck you. Yeah, but so of course, the both sides that are smells a bit of a scoop here. So he assigns Keith to the aliens or legit story and Brad to the aliens aren't legit story. Yeah, Brad, I hear you, but if it's not real, you just prove a negative, right? Just go up there and prove yourself a negative. Yeah. Well, Brad's being a giant asshole here and Keith is being very open-minded. So that's what they're setting up.

Yep. This is Brad, the dogmatic atheist versus Keith, the Christian free thinker just asked him questions. That's the movie. And then and then they all order toddler beverage. But again, it's so weird because it is the coffee scene with the silliest objects to be ordered. It's just like, oh no, I'm not the one getting it this time.

No, I went last time. All right, fine. What do you want? I want a fruit punch and a crunchy numb numb fruit punch and a crunchy numb numb. Sorry. We're a full grown adults. Two apple juices and a fruit. Literally, that's the order. I really wanted their boss to come over and be like,

guys, it's a little close to nap time for fruit puns. Don't you think? Why don't you have a warm milk? Chocolate milk. Chocolate. I want chocolate too. you. He said yes. Me too. Oh God. I think and Drake's coffee cake that will come back rule of three style to choose. Well, I love it. So God damn much. Okay. So but meanwhile, a couple of drunken red necks are out for so little night fishing. They have to do a little bit of dialogue at the beginning. Yeah, yeah, not quite scripted So they're like Louisiana's where we are Yep, yep

You have a truck talk. Yes, you have a truck talk. It's you said you have you did say you have a truck I'm happy how much is it like how many Kill a crams of a truck. I'm heavy. How much is it like how many kilograms? The banter moments they have, it's a fucking nightmare. It's terrifying. If you've got nothing to say with your dialogue and you're not good at it, why linger on it for so goddamn, like there's not a rule that says you must have at least this many seconds of dialogue before your characters get abducted by aliens. Just start your fucking scene. I wouldn't have been like, what the fuck happened? Are these guys from Louisiana today, I'm shocked.

How much do they weigh to start your scene? So yeah, so the aliens show up. The one guy runs away. He of course stumbles and falls. The other guy falls so goddamn hard. I feel it. I was wording it about this actor. Grandma, did they go through concussion? Protocol. See he does that little bounce that the human body does. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, as near as I can tell something pretty interesting just happened off camera at this moment No, we do not see the aliens, so we're gonna pause for a quick break while you catch your breath

But we're back in a flash with even more unidentified B-U-S-Y-D-O-N-K-E-W-I-B-Z-Dunk-E What's the donkey busy, dude? Absolutely not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,key. What's the donkey busy, dude? And, man, absolutely not. No, no. No, no. No, no, no. Yeah, okay. I mean, I heard the applause, but I'm not like this.

Hey, guys, what's going on? Yeah, so Noah hacked into my live journal from 2002, and he read it at the open mic at the coffee shop. Black coffee as an open mic? No, it's the other place. I'm Java Joe's. Oh, Java Joe's, I like that place. Look, Heath, if you didn't want people sno's the other place, I'm Java Joe's. Oh, Java Joe's, I like that place. Look, Heath, if you didn't want people snooping on your stuff,

you shouldn't have written a blog called the 9-11 of my heart. And also, you should have got IP Vanished. Heather was very important to me at the time. Heath, I'm your supposed to adjust. I mean, what's IP Vanished? IP Vanished is a virtual private network of VPN for short. A VPN is a super important tool

that helps you browse this internet safely. You can use a VPN on your computers, tablets, iPhones, even things like your fire stick when you're streaming media. When you use a VPN, all your data is encrypted. I don't know. It sounds good, but I just spent all my money on the CDs you were selling. A wise purchase indeed.

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the best even rated 4.7 out of five on trust pilot. And that's with more than 6,000 reviews. Show these guys some love their repeat sponsors. Remember it's IPvanish.com slash awful to get the deal and start protecting yourself online. Okay, so no more snooping on my old blog. I mean, if I hadn't printed it out. Yeah. Come on, you printed it. He wrote his own lyrics to Boulevard of Broken Dreams. No, they are supplemental. It's not exactly what you said All right, everyone super excited for our fair and balanced story this month on whether or not aliens exist Frank What do you got for me? Okay, well, I've got literally dozens of debunked UFO settings Most of which are identical to very similar claims

I've also got sworn affidavits and a tremendous amount of literature proving that people fake this stuff and lie about it on a very regular basis. And I've got all the science, like all of it, and it shows that kind of intergalactic travel that people attribute to aliens is almost certainly physically impossible. All right. All right. that's good stuff and Steve. Oh, I met some guys who said they got got by aliens and also they're not lying.

They got got, huh? Anything else? Yeah, a guy who won't tell me his name, he worked for a government agency, he can't prove and he says it's real and he's real. So sorry, the last thing he said, you said, and he's real. Yeah, he's real, super real. The person.

All right, well, you know, that sounds like great stuff from both of you. This is gonna be an awesome issue. Sorry, okay, boss, but what Steve just said is like, I mean, literally nothing. People said that he heard, and then that person heard from another guy who wouldn't even say his name, apparently, that's like less than here say.

Okay, but like a lot of people say that aliens are real. Yeah, okay. If you offered to print it in our magazine, a lot of people would say the moon is made out of cheese. That is a terrible way to present information and to find out what's true. We're journalists. You know what? Think he's right.

He is? Yep, next month's issue is the moon made out of cheese. Yes, finally. Okay. Hey, podcast listener, do you like speed? How about the emotion of anger? Do you want to hear about the ninth combination of those phenomena? Then why not head over to patreon.com slash Godawthl where for as little as a dollar, you

can help support the show and you'll get access to 60 bonus episodes and counting, including our most recent review of the Fast and the Furious Niner. Just listen to what you're missing. No, no, no, none of these children were alive. They literally were alive. Thank you. You are not happy to see Han. I am happy to see Han. I'm still on vinyl. Fuck everyone. Swings across, sit with his car like Tarzan.

But here's the crazy part, right? Yeah, tell us what the crazy part of that is. Why? So you know when you hold a gun and you come on it. Yep. Why don't they make the whole car out of NOS? That's really good. Want a whole race of NOS.

Once again, that's patreon.com slash God awful, praxis to our patron bonus episodes and more stuff at higher levels because the only thing Vin Diesel understands less than acting is magnets. He's very used by magnets. Very good for you. And we're back for even more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Lauren catching Roy on his way into work to tell him about that last scene with the fisherman. Yeah. So aliens attacked two drunk guys in Louisiana or there were two drunk guys in Louisiana.

Which one of those two things definitely happened. And by the way, so Brad's reaction to every piece of UFO evidence or claim is to say, rural people are inferior to us and stupid. Hey, Brad, Brad, I get it. Yeah, they try to counter this. They're like, UFO sightings don't just happen in the South. They also happen where people are. Right.

Yeah, exactly. It's pointed out that California is actually the number one state for sightings of UFOs. And I was like, yeah, California is the number one state for, you know, people and like all the things that people do. Well, and the guy, and we, the guy who points that out is the religion editor, Darren. Okay. I have to talk about Darren. I, I do not know this for sure, but I think Darren. Okay. I have to talk about Darren.

I do not know this for sure, but I think Darren walked in the first day on set and they were like, and this is whatever his name is, he's gonna be playing Darren and he went, Hello. And then he was like, fuck, I just did a voice. And they were like, um, do you normally say hello?

Hi. Yo, this is how how I try again regular. Hello. Just shake it out. He got stuck as someone who did their job in a fake British accent for a year and a half. I see a kindred spirit in Darren's performance. So Darren delivers virtually every line in this movie as though it's the culmination

of his very particular set of skills speech, right? Regardless of what's going on, he's delivering it to somebody like he's going to kill them once they finished comprehending this sentence. And he will start out full tilt crazy. They're like, Darren, you're our religion editor here at both sides magazine. Sorry that you lost all the sides every week, by the way. What do you think about aliens? And he's like, I don't believe in aliens, but I do believe in demons. And everyone's just like, okay, thanks, there. Is that related to you? Okay, lovely. Oh, I really wanted the cooking guy to come in. I believe in the aliens. I think they're pasta. My story now. Are you doing a voice now? Are you trying to do a voice like Darren?

Darren got to be part of the story by saying it was his thing. All right. So yes, so we meet Darren and then we cut into Keith's office, right? We're Randy, the abductee that wouldn't talk to him, the greasy face to abductee that wouldn't talk to him earlier, he's calling Keith, he's ready to talk now. He's had more experiences. Well, he's not ready to talk that. Well, right. He calls this magazine and he's like, I'm not talking over the phone.

And I was like, yay, yay, you are. You are. What are the owner. What are you planning to do that? He's like, you have to come see me in person. He's like, you're all the way in Texas. I'm, you know, wherever the hell we are. I don't know. It never really specifies.

I'm airplane distance away. Exactly, right, right. Exactly. I'm like, but I've had more experiences. I'm like, dude, everyone has always had more experiences. Okay, tighten up. I was getting some information here. If somebody's listening over the phone with like a tap,

they know that you're now saying, I'm not talking, it's not helped, you've, you've tipped them off now. Yeah, right. I really wanted it to flash cut over to an alien like talking to his boss. No, he's talking to a reporter, but it's probably just for some sex stuff or something. No need to look into it.

So, but while he was in his office not being part of that scene, Keith apparently heard Darren's take on this somehow. So the next scene is him taking Darren the religion editor to the Delhi for some juice. So I have to talk about my favorite character in the movie. Mania the Delhi. Mania the Delhi. You see it occasionally where someone's just excited to be in a movie and you're like Oh, it seems like he's having a good time. Many might as well be like stamping his sag after a card every time he's

Well, hello guys, more from my delicious card of juices and to make the goods. 58. 79. I'm done. So and this is such an exciting part of the movie to because the two of them sit down, we haven't brought up demons yet, right? So all of us know at this moment that the movie is about to go next level crazy, but it hasn't gotten there yet. And it's just such a giddy moment. Yeah, it's a good time. And Darren explains that he doesn't believe in aliens because they aren't in the Bible. And I wrote my notes, man, a lot of roads, a lead you to Rome.

Well, I made a joke in my notes. I'm like, you know, so I guess what? You don't believe in germs either. And then I realized that stopped being funny because exaggeration died in the Trump administration. Yeah. But Keith responds to this, right? He's like, just because the Bible doesn't mention something, doesn't mean that it's like a daring,

like have you been reading the Bible? That's what I thought. You fat bitch. It's like, well, that's not a counter to what he's just said. That sure isn't true. This movie is pretty sure it is. This is your voice go up like half an octave. Do you forget?

No, no, this is me. That's it. This is normal. So yes, we check back in on the magazine office where Roy is telling Keith that he can go and talk to this brandy guy again, but he has to take Brad with him in a very like, but your little brother has to come to kind of a way. Right. Only if your little brother hated you didn't want to go with you because that's a

brand is tonight. Right. The entire movie, Brad, will be like, I hate this so much. It's so fucking stupid. I have all the information I need. Please don't send me back to him. I'm going back to heck though. Yep.

Okay. Well, right. And he's like, and well, you guys are in Texas. You can swing by Louisiana too. It's adjacent. That's close. Right? Also, we get the most important character in the movie here. For the first time. Oh, yes. Hensive old guy. Yeah. Hensive old mysterious man who will do three seconds of acting for the first hour and a half of the movie until it's almost over. Right now, he's just picking up a copy of both sides magazine at his local Barnes and

Noble. I don't know. But what it says in the cover favorite part, it says the future of the worker are unions obsolete. This is the fair and bad journalist on both sides. All right. So, so we cut to Louisiana so they can talk to the other abducting not the guy who actually got abducted, but the guy who ran better. Yeah. Okay. There is no way that's that man's real hair. That is action figure hair, right? On his head. I'm getting the good plugs

because I'm gonna be in a Hollywood movie. Yeah. I'm getting these done at the mall next to Annie's pretzels. No spare expense. Give me a cheese jalapeno. Yes. Not the plugs, not the plugs.

Oh, I got cheese jalapeno plugs. I don't even know why they offer those. And this is the first of the like absolutely wonderful scenes where Keith is entirely credulous and Brad's just like, so you were drunk and he's like, no, no, I was drinking. Yes, yes. But I wasn't drunk. Okay. Are you Jewish?

I'm Mel Gibson. We also get this explanation. He's describing the UFO experience and he's like, so it got louder as it got closer. And Brad's like, yeah, cool. So like all things that make noise. Hey, you know what? So like all things that make noise. Hey, you know what? Tell me if something gets softer as it gets closer and I'll write a story. Are I'm just going to assume physics work the same in your story as they work everywhere else unless you specify other way.

You're not boss me. I'm going to yell this story at Heath when he's trying to close on a Friday. You're not boss me. I'm gonna yell this story at Heath when he's trying to close on a Friday. Well, and he's also the first of several characters in this movie they're gonna go like, yeah, I, uh, I'm gonna tell you what happened no matter what those government men and those dark suits tell me to say. Right. Spoiler alert listener. They will set up the government men in dark suits throughout the movie. They will never show up. No, also, I feel like those guys should just get some light suits, right? Nobody'd ever see them come.

Just a, yeah. A lot of good subterfuge there. Just get some like, I don't know, like that blue and white one with the nice like summer suit. Tan, you go tan. Maybe tan. Yeah. Also, oh, very important when the aliens came

to abduct his friend, this guy with the action figure hair smelled sulfur. Okay. Again, we've already let you in on the secret that this movie's perspective is that aliens are demons, striking people, but demons apparently can't cover up their smell. So you guys invented like intergalactic space travel. You didn't get like old spice high end. We still smell like rotten eggs and farts. It's really embarrassing. All right, so then we get after that. Just in case any of that was too subtle for you,

we have a whole scene where Keith recaps that conversation to Darren over the phone. Right? So he's like, oh, yeah, grandma, those are the men in black that he was talking about. You remember the movie with Timely Jones and that black feller? Huh? Pog? Talking Pug. And Darren, the religion expert here is like, oh, sulfur, that means the devil, that's brimstone.

And Keith is like, yeah, okay, there wasn't any fire though. So like, I'm glad I called you the region editor for this stories. And then he turns to Brad who is like, I hate this. I hate you. Can we go home? And he's like, look, Brad, until you can prove that this is a giant two man hoax, we are tied. Aliens might exist.

Right. Right. So Brad's assignment is to figure out who is making money off all this UFO stuff if it isn't real. Brad's job that he's getting paid for is to write a story for a magazine that will be sold for money about who can make money off of you. Yes, but he's going to need some help. This is where we get again, another fucking fantastic insight into risk,

Cristiana. What happened here? Okay. He calls Vince baby Rob Schneider. And he's like, Hey, baby Rob Schneider helped me do our jobs. And he's like, I don't know. I don't know if I want to help you do our jobs. He's like, tell you what, if you help me do our jobs, I'll take you out to dinner. And then baby Rob Schneider counters with, and I give to bring a date. What? Okay, so what happens here is Brad is now gonna take Vince and Vince's girlfriend,

the two of them together on a date for his help with, no, there are not demon aliens. Yes. Exactly. I was assuming that Vince was that was like kind of their code for we're going to do a three sum again with my girlfriend, but they never really spell it out. It seems like he did want a dinner. So much better than what happens in the movie. So, okay, then we cut over to Brad and Keith interviewing Randy. They have to fly to Texas to follow up with him. Yeah. He explains that he fell asleep in his chair and heard voices. So, Brad's like,

oh, so a nightmare. So you're just grabbing an enemy. You dreamed a thing, yeah. And Randy's like, no, no, that's not they were putting voices in my head. Yeah. At one point, Brad says, is it possible that you hallucinated this? And Randy says, no. And I wrote my notes, I'm sorry, it's not possible. It's impossible. The you hallucinated this. Also, you keep saying they, what the fuck is they? Right. I'm not accepting. I also reject that.

Right. And it's not like this doesn't matter. Randy explains that the voices in his head are genus, idle. Right. He's like the voices in my head say that some of the people are going to have to be killed off because of what group they belong to. And it's just like, you guys aren't backing slowly away. Why are you not backing slowly away? Yeah. But the Cristiano audience was like, all right, let's hear him out. Very importantly, let's get a ranking. All right. Because I

was watching Tucker Carlson the other night. And he wasn't in my head, but he said similar things. Yeah. And then of course, they some more of that clever rich, Cristiano writing where he goes, yeah, they have government, fellas, told me not to talk to you, but I just couldn't keep quiet. And they're like, the government officials. And he's like, yeah, they talked to me and they talked to that kid and that air traffic controller and Diane Turner. And it's like, weird that you would have used her full name,

the character we haven't met, rather than like just referring to her as a job or a general demographic description. Yeah, I was like, well, who the fuck is Diane Turner? And then one of the characters in the movie is like, wait, who is Diane? Yeah, all right. Well, and then the reporter go to talk to her.

She has not someone we've met in the movie. No. There's no reason for this. Or in the name. No. Is there like some universe of the Christianos where it's like, oh, Diane, fucking turn her. Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, maybe that she's the Cheyenne silent pop of their movie. Yeah. There you go. It's like it's like how we were all supposed to care about the Seinfeld lady at the end of Black Widow, but with Diane Turner. They're saying, okay, all right. I haven't seen that yet.

So spoiler. Yes. So yeah, so she, but she tells them that she saw the aliens that night too, and she saw a Randy's truck with nobody in it. And she smelled sulfur. And she says she called the police. I really wanted a shot of that. Hello, police. I just saw a cloud eat a guy and it smells like farts.

Yes. I do know Randy. Yeah. I smelled demonic sulfur or I mean, sulfur or regular. It's one of the others or eggs could have been a lot of different things now that I think about it. Okay, just to be clear, the conceit of the movie is Satan, the Prince of Darkness is controlling aliens who show up for trolling aliens yeah who show up for Tiny little pranks in the American South. Yeah, that's it. Well mostly in California. He's actually the number one place for their little pranks This California

We don't actually get any of those in this movie though. Yeah, so okay, so they leave and do she Brad doesn't believe her because Fuck bald Eagles and apple pies and do she Brad doesn't believe her because fuck bald eagle said apple pies. It's just yeah Keith is like I don't know she seems pretty sane to me and I wrote my notes. Has this movie never heard of wrong? Right. Right. Exactly. Yes. It's always either. Well, either that's a hundred percent true or they're lying for profit. Yeah. And this is where they get in their first argument about the Bible. He's like, yeah, I don't think it's fucking demons, man. Did you hear he's summing up just now?

And he's like, no, no, the Bible's the word of God. And Brad's like, cool. So you've read it, right? You've read the word of God. Yeah, I have. And I would like to tell you that cut. Yeah. Well, so and it's even dumber than that, right?

Because he says, if the Bible is so good, then why don't I ever see you reading it? But like, I really enjoyed doing, but neither of you guys have ever seen me reading it, right? Like, you don't have to ultimately, that's silly on so many fucking levels. But of course, it's there so that Keith can just sit there and be like, I don't read the Bible enough damn.

The conclusion he reaches from that conversation is not, oh yeah, obviously not the word of God. I should read my Bible more. That is the word of God. I really do have to get around to that. Yes. Also, a pencil old man is now writing a letter to Keith. As he's coming back.

Yeah. major way. So meanwhile, back at both sides HQ, the UFO stories are really starting to take off. Yeah, the editor is summing it up for us. He's like, all right, everyone, remember the two sides of the alien debate is aliens are real or everyone who has ever claimed to see an alien is all part of the same money making conspiracy. Yes, right. Right.

I love Lauren at this point. She's like, we're getting a lot of great emails. She's like, great. Find me some credible emails about UFOs that we can print in the next magazine. Like, that is a huge fucking ask. And then Keith talks some trash to Brad, the atheist here. He's like, Hey, Brad, you should really worry about finding evidence to support your own theory.

To be clear, Brad's theory is no, not that. And then the boss Roy comes in and he's like, Hey, Brad, you need to show me evidence of aliens not existing if you're going to win the thing. Yeah, Brad, I really need you to prove that negative buddy. Okay. Well, yeah, no, they're, they're, they literally they have this whole conversation of, man, our magazine sure is making money off of this whole UFO thing. By the way, Brad, can you find any evidence anywhere of anyone making money off of UFOs?

No, no, still haven't found any. Okay. All right, just, uh, prove that the end of the scene doesn't know about the beginning of the scene moving on. So yeah. So Keith goes back to his office where he gets the letter from Pensive Old Guy, uh, which just says, you know, I've been reading your stories, meet me at the old library. No cops. Yeah. Come on. Hey, can I just say this? Nobody reliable has ever said come alone. Yeah, right.

No, yeah, if it's just basically you and kidnappers, then yeah, you're probably a bad company. And also like, can you just make a reporter go anywhere at any time with a letter? Because I mean, that feels like a system that can only work until Eli finds out about it, right? I was literally, I was just like, Tucker Carl's, oh, and then you know what I realized? Someone literally did that to Tucker Carlson, like two weeks ago, they were like, Tucker,

it's me, Mr. FBI, they've been tracking you and he was like, they've been tracking me. Oh, you're right. It was like, no, we haven't. You asked, well, and he was like, oh, been tracking me. Oh, you're right. He was like, no, we haven't. You asked. And he was like, oh, you're right. That's true. But we do know you're a Russian spy.

I am a Russian spy. That's true. They do know that I'm a Russian spy. Bring a bow tied back to the drop point. I'm right in this. This doesn't make sense. Why am I doing the voice? Yeah, but so Keith goes to the library to meet the old,

Pensive guy. He's like, hi, I'm Keith. And he's like, my name is, oh, you almost got me. I'm, but I'm, I'm too mysterious for that. Yeah. A source that won't give you his name is going to be super useful for reliable reporting. Let me tell you. Well, especially one that works in a government division that he'd rather not divulge at this time. But he would rather divulge it in like five more seconds. He's like, it was the LF. I'm in men, I'm in men black. LF life forms LF stands for life.

Yeah, he won't tell us what branch of the government he worked in, but he worked in the LF division of it. The... Wouldn't that include like mushrooms and like, the meba waterboarding a mushroom? Tell us what you know. Wait, they keep growing when we do this is not working out well guys. And there's this priceless moment at the end of the scene.

Are you can tell risk, Cristiano was so proud of this. He's like, the question isn't if aliens are real. The question is why? Why what? Cuts. Cuts. Why literally over the guy from the life forms unit is like, okay, well, what's to gain from these encounters?

Are you going to cut those last? Right, right. He's like, well, I don't believe in aliens, but what I think isn't the reveal that we need right now. And then so the home I can think is the black. Quibono, bono, bono. All right. So, but that night there's yet more alien activity and we get the best of the alien

abdocs. Yes, she's so good. I like of all time, not just of this movie, right? So this woman walks out of her apartment, looks up in the sky, see something that we don't see, of course, because they didn't have the budget for that. And then she just does a fucking header. She falls four times in one time, like so much worse than the other guy for absolutely no reason. And then she runs to her. This is my favorite part. She runs the car. And it's like key fumble, like the murderer is chasing you. But her key fumbling is so over like little like paper dragons are popping out of it. And it's like a cast trying to do the.

Yeah. It's so stupid. Well, the thing is, as they gave her way too long for the so yeah, so she falls like she thought there was going to be a slip in slide there. She gets up, she goes to unlock her door. She's like, well, they still are rolling. Okay, I dropped my keys. Oh, she picks up her keys

She can see that the key hasn't unlocked but not it by the way when she picks the keys She bumbles at it for another 45 seconds looks at the camera. She says are we done. Oh, there's the alien Also, it's literally one key and she's like flipping through one key like it's a I'm watching you if she here's my question if key, like it's a jamming or kind of thing. I'm watching you. If she, here's my question. If she had made it into the car, would she have outrun the aliens? Right, do we get a scene where someone makes it into the car

and then the grays are just like tapping on the glass? Like, come on. She's like, Subaru Outback motherfuckers. Blah. Yeah, so, okay, so we cut to reporter's interviewing her after the fact, right? And they have essentially the same conversation they had with Randy. The aliens are communicating with her telepathically, telling her genocide will shit. Yeah.

The aliens told me they love evolution and genocide. They mostly watch Matt Powell videos. They have a pretty cool one. Yeah. Sure beats that. She's like, yeah, they said we need to get cleansed to experience the next level. And then Keith is like, I'm evolution. Yes.

Right. This level of evolution. I was like, wow, you should, you should stop finishing sentences about eugenics. Even if you agree with them, don't finish them. Does that makes it worse? Yeah, she's like, yeah, the alien said an event was coming and I'm like, I did a event is coming. Those are some pretty good bucket aliens. And then of course Brad chimes in and he's like, are you sure that you're not just a big fat stupid head?

He walks around her apartment and he's like, hey, you have a bunch of books on aliens. Are you predisposed to believe in this bullshit? And she's like, no. No, uh, so. Well, and Darren is a little nervous about his books. He notices that she has a lot of books on the paranormal. And Darren says like, hey, you know, do you believe in the devil

and demons? And she's like, no, but I believe in paranormal. And he goes, oh, that's just the way the devil works. And I'm like, oh, it just keeps getting out of your dozen and from here, it's just all downhill. Devils down there in his office. All right, step one, Paul mystery. Step two, we'll come back around to it. It's going to get to profit, trust me. It gets to profit eventually. And Darren has this moment. Darren, deep voice aliens are demon Darren has this moment where he's like, come on, be serious. Why would aliens travel across the universe?

A wizard died to sacrifice himself, right to himself, because he's mad about future. That was such a weird argument. I had it on my notes as seems like an awful lot of trouble for aliens to come all this way. Are you sure it wasn't the supreme battle of good and evil playing out between the creator of the universe and his adversary vis-a-vis your alien abduction story. Come on, look at this ski ball ramp. I want a six year old to wander into the room and I'm a dinosaur. All right, now we got three opinions, all three sides. We need to report on is that guy a dinosaur?

Well, and she's just going like, I don't believe in the Bible. I believe in reincarnation. I'm like, oh my God, it's fucking team three and team five, having the two plus two debate the movie. But she decimates there and she's like, I believe in reincarnation. They're like, Darren, do you have anything to say to that? And he's like, nope, she's damn to hell forever. Darren, are you specifically not looking at the lady, even though she's in the room and

you were talking for a second to go? No, I can't see her. I don't know. I can't see her. She said she's all burning in the fire. And then we, so we got to Keith South where, yeah, damn, and he just doesn't have time to go to Bible study with this He is working on a trapper keeper from 1991 to year where Brad did his horns Yeah, this is a laptop with a pullstart like a fucking train So it's so weird that we all had a line on I said it looked like he was typing on a spring loaded trash can lid all had a line on I said it looked like he was typing on a spring loaded trash can lid. Did computers really look like that at the time?

Also, I'm sure that this is true of the movie and I just didn't notice, but this is what I noticed that the wife and Brad are both Australian. Why are there random Australians in this? Right. Did people catch Australian throughout the film? Well, they had to explain that because it was just so bizarre earlier where she was like, but remember Brad introduced us in college and he's like, oh, they're now the two Australians makes it.

She's also a big like Christian music star in Australia. Oh, there you come. All right. And at the very end of the scene here, this is a moment that made me laugh so fucking hard. She has the like, you won't come to Barber's journey with me. And he's like, no, I can't, I'm too busy with my giant laptop.

And she does that thing, the direction was, and then you look back at him, loggingly. Except what it is, she like pokes her head back in like, I'm sorry, did you say? Say anything? No, does the thermostat? So that's it. Okay. Oh, did you say anything? I just, I just thermostat. So that's okay. Oh, did you say something now?

No, I really am. So okay, so then we head back to the office where Roy is just gonna sum up where we are in the movie for Grandma real quick. He's like, Brad, how you doing? He's like, I got an iron clad case that you guys are all full of shit. He's just Lauren, did you find any good emails?

I wanted to cut over her and she's like the first detective from dark city or something like that. She's got all the spirals on her. I read emails about aliens is what I did, but no, she's found, she's found good emails. And Keith Chimes in here, he's like, okay, well, you might have a bunch of evidence and Lauren has emails, but I have a random stranger who won't say his name, but he worked for the men in black. And he says here, he's off the record. So he understands literally none of what off the record.

I didn't actually meet him at all. Now that I mentioned it, I didn't mention it. And now it's time for such an excellent scene. It's time for, did you order the code red on Jesus? Oh God, okay, yeah. So the meeting wraps up. And after everybody, after Roy leaves, after the boss leaves, Brad's like, oh, one more thing before everybody takes off.

Darren thinks we're all going to help. We're not loving Jesus enough. Doesn't he, Darren? And they just go around the room with Brad demanding that everybody line up by salvation. Yeah. And what we're supposed to get out of this scene is, wow, Brad's a real jerk for saying that incredibly cruel

and insane thing that Darren believes. Right. I just wanted to just cut over to like, Steve the Nazi and they'd be like, oh, I bet you're gonna point out that Steve is a Nazi, aren't you? Huh? You jerk.

Yeah, but so he goes around the room, asking everybody if they've received Christ and know that they'll go to heaven when they die. Like atheists tend to ask. Oh, yeah, it's the first thing that comes up. It's our version of grace, which is go around the table. It's our icebreaker.

So, and what's amazing about it is that it all exists so that Darren can deliver his yes, I've received Christ moment. The way that Rich Cristiano has been waiting his entire life for an opportunity to do. Every time he's been in the same Starbucks as a Practice in the space. Get them stuff. Pumped ask me if I've received Christ back at

We should do I'm all hyped up on my juicy drive received right now I've received No I have

Ask me again. Ask me again. Anyone's cell phone. Oh, no, never mind. That was a me So red ask me again. But of course, Keith can't say that he's received Christ. Does anyone's cell phone? Oh, no, never mind, that was something. So, Brad asked me again. But of course, Keith can't say that he's received Christ. So he get this big dramatic moment where he runs weeping from the room and I just wrote my notes.

Hey, I think if someone asks you about a basic tenant of your religion and you cry and run out of the room, that's on your religion, not the person who asked you. Right. Right. Yeah, the whole scene is there so that Keith You can say what about you Keith? Are you confident that you'll go to heaven? Are you fully and truly Christian and Keith goes I Any runs away, right And we're all supposed to be that he's in there going like wow that Brad sure isn't sure And we're all supposed to be that he's in there going like wow that Brad sure isn't sure No, Brad

Why did you have to ask the Christian of he was a Christian and then so Keith storms out Darren follows him to his office and demands to know why Keith Isn't confident that he'll spend eternity in heaven like me yelling at heath for flirting badly in an atheist convention What the fuck happened in there? calling it Heath for flirting badly in an atheist convention. What the fuck happened in there? Get your head in the cave. I like hair. What? So, so Keith moaps his way home.

His wife's been worried about him, but he doesn't have time to deal with her bullshit. Keith, did someone ask you if you're your religion? No, I wouldn't be alone. Yeah, he's full blown, sitting a dark room and flash back to voices from the last scene levels that disturbed by that question. And he has to act out being lectured by the atheist and the Christian in his head. And like, he's literally like punch and pillow. He's trying to act so hard. It's the he's like, it's so good. He's trying to act so hard. It's the best.

Oh, it's fantastic. And but just then as he's wrestling his pillow, he notices that unread Bible from earlier. Oh, so we don't get the Bible reading montage. They cheat us out of that. That happens off screen. So we cut straight from him noticing the Bible to him going into apologize to his wife for For being so short with her earlier and he's gonna be a Christian from now on We have heard this speech literally hundreds of times. We no longer have to pay attention when it comes up in a movie

All of our notes are like yeah, you have a man Jesus you see enough from now You're gonna be Jesus. He's's the third. Yep. Yep. I'm just, all I've got is like my, my fucking F7, which is he just talked to God in this ring. Refinance just solar, whatever. Yeah. Got an apple shortcut on my iPhone that just types it into Google Docs. Yeah, exactly.

All right. Well, I thought this movie was about motherfucking aliens. So I need a minute to recalibrate. But first, let me give acting to the heart So Can Keith convert Brad to Christianity before it's too late? Is that the plot of the movie now? Will we abandon the alien abduction plot line pretty much entirely from this point forward?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the tangential conclusion of unidentified. How about Shaco Sugar Bombs? Now he's gonna get all jumpy. Yeah, no, he'll get jumpy this is true. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh, dang it, Ethan! What? What happened? You ruined your birthday surprise. Okay, so my birthday surprise is serial? Yeah, so you're not, you're turning 40 soon. Yeah, like super super soon. Okay, not, it's not till the end of August.

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Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magickspoon.com slash gam and use the code gam, save $5. And a big thanks to magickspoon for sponsoring this episode. And a big thanks to you, Ethan, for living for 40 years. Okay, just do the commercial. Okay, everyone, I have the newest orders from our dark lord Satan. What are they? Right, right. So we're gonna make ourselves look like aliens.

Find people who believe in like, you know, alien stuff or just non-Christians really and then abduct them. So they won't be Christian anymore. I have so many questions. None of that made sense. I don't understand. Yeah, no, I figured there would be questions. Go ahead. Why would being abducted by aliens make anyone less Christian? Yeah, I... No idea. Next. Also, why would we get people who are already not Christian? What would we want to do this to? Christians would reduce the total. Right, yeah. Yeah, you'd think so, but no. Only people who are already into aliens or witches or w wica or also porn. I'm sorry, also porn? Also porn. Yeah, I'm just a messager here.

We take them up in the craft. We probe their butts, BingBang Boom less Christians. That's what I'm talking about. Jerry, you know what, I'd appreciate it if you call me Balthazar, the Undying, because you know, where it worked, be professional. Sorry, sorry, Balthazar. Are you me balthazar the undying because you know where it worked be professional. Sorry, sorry. Balthazar.

Are you sure that this is the undying? Balthazar the undying. Yeah, are you sure that this isn't just an excuse to do butt stuff to the humans again? What? What? No. Right, of course, the work dreamer said, I feel like we get plenty of chances for that in hell. I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, I was working on this, And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin our hero going back to work this time as a real Christian

This is so fucking stupid. They use an outdoor establishing shot of him showing up at work here But we've never seen this place from outdoors despite the fact that we've had 11 scenes so we have no fucking idea where he is What are you establishing anyway? Yeah, but he goes back in. He's a real Christian now. So he goes up to Brad, the one that asked him if he was a real Christian the other day where he totally plugged it. And he apologizes. He passive aggressives the...

Yes, he's exactly. He passive aggressively apologizes. Yeah, sorry, sorry is mean. I'm gonna think better of you now. And so Brad, the atheist is like, oh, sorry, as mean. I'm gonna think better of you now. And so Brad, the atheist is like, oh, cool. So I'm not going to hell forever in your opinion. He's like, no, no, no, still hell for you, but like, not me.

I'm gonna have it. And that was the end of my apology. Oh, by the way, and by the way, yes. Yes. I am a Christian. I was totally good at having. I decided yesterday. And again, because Christiana wrote this,

Brad is just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes. As opposed to an actual atheist reaction, was like, oh, okay, that's boring. Sorry, did a Bible on a string come across your field division somehow? No. So, okay. So Darren was not with us when we interviewed Randy before. Remember Randy, the first abductee in the movie? Well, now they're going to go. They're going to go once much Randy. Yeah, that's him. So they're going to fly back to Texas for a third time to

interview this guy. This time with Darren and tow. Their expense reports are weird looking. Just like talk to Randy for the seventh time. $900. And okay. So they're walking into Randy's house when Darren notices quite Sherlock Holmes, the end of him. A, I think, racing magazine in his truck. Yeah, demonic. It's a stupid issue. Yeah, it couldn't be porn. No, not just regular demons, alien demons.

Right. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So they're heading in there. As they're heading in there, as they're heading in there, by the way, Brad is following up on his story about how UFOs are bullshit. He's talking to a UFO convention organizer who's telling him that UFOs are bullshit. And the Christian brothers don't know how to do audio from both sides of a phone call

apparently. Clearly, he seems like that's not difficult, but they don't know about this. So Brad's just repeating everything. Yeah, that's the person on the other side of the call says. So you're saying you're a con man to a reporter. I'm saying, okay. All right. Yep. Yeah.

It's beautiful. So we head back to Randy's. Darin's there. He's interrogating him. He finds out that Randy is a lapsed Christian whose wife hates Jesus with a fucking passion. She's a witch. And we know that because they're hanging out and then just out of nowhere.

The wife's like, excuse me, gentlemen, but you're like a drink of regular beverage. Right now? Not. Cut a trash. You can just smoke it like a dry ice. Normal. Do you have anything that isn't in a goblet? No.

I'm going to pass. I only drink juicy juice. Well, yes. There it's like size that are up for a fight or something, right? He's like glaring at her. She goes to leave and he columbos her with pagan words. He goes, uh, Mary parts and she says, Mary part to you too. Well, right because it's like shaving a haircut, you have to say it. Also, so this is like a wicking thing or like a witt thing. Yeah, it's, it's a, Mary-Meet, Mary-Part, Mary-Meet again, right?

So like, when you meet another wicking dude, they say Mary-Meet. You say Mary-Meet when you leave, they say Mary-Part. And you're supposed to say Mary-Part, Mary-Meet again. So the fact that she just says Mary-Part is kind of throwing shade at there in there. It's also the twist and silliest thing that's a part of Wicca. Yeah. So trying to make it seem scary is what a garden home says to protagonist of a YA novel when they send them off on an adventure. Man, they need to man a pot and man a chicken. I'll shoot you in the face you witch can bitch

But what we're setting up with that is that Rambie has left himself open to demonic possession By fucking this witch lady, right not just that he's like you didn't notice your wife was a witch and he's like ah she does her thing I She drinks and blood up and all day. I'm usually in my truck. Jerk it off. Yeah. Jerk it off. Yes, about that too. He's like, and how long have you been reading those magazines like in your truck? And he's like, oh, you know, I don't read them. Come on. Also, are they saying that alien, demon aliens only attack Wicons?

Well, because if you have the protection of Christ, they can't get to you see. Yeah. So you have to like open yourself up to demonic possession by being insufficiently Christian or, you know, knowing your horoscope or something like that. But the demon aliens already won if you're a wicking. Right. Yeah.

Shouldn't they be attacking? Yeah. You're like they're selling down. It's the MLM of spiritual. It closed to Christian people to try to like win the score. See, it's hard to know what their end game is. Yeah. But the guys explain to them, Darren and Keith explained to Randy that

the aliens and well demons, whatever are gonna keep fucking with him and tell he becomes Christian, but he doesn't want to be Christian because his wife's gonna be pissed. Yeah, my wife will be mad at me. Also, you guys are weird reporters. Can I say this is weird? Twist. Right. So he said, yeah, he's clearly weirded out by this, but then there's a giant pause. And he's come around and all three of them are like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then they touch each other way too much. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm ready to become a Christian and so they all gather around and lay a bottle for Jesus. I feel like this is what the Christian brothers did in real, when they wrote this, they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, rich. Yeah. Scrum for Jesus.

We down whisper. Yes. Oh, and then we get this is so amazing. We get a typing montage. And here's why this is my theory. Rich Cristiano wrote in the script journalism montage. He didn't realize at the time that that would just be shots of everyone typing, which would be really boring to look at. Yeah. And then he wouldn't admit that he just made a mistake when it came time to film this part. So he made him do it anyway. He would not admit that the best he came up with after he got made fun of was like also plus in addition to typing, they would have photos that they would be piecing together into a mosaic to solve the mystery. Oh, I really wanted it to pan back and there's just like a demon driving a spaceship,

wink in the camera. I knew it. Were they solving with those photos? What were those piecing together too? No idea. No idea. And they have, but we see that. We see a Brad and Vince typing together.

We see Darren and Keith going for a juice. We see Darren staring and Bradley's trying to set him on fire with his mind. Why? Yes, Jesus, you are going to go to hell. And the montage wraps up late that night with Brad and Vince burn in the midnight oil on their UFOs aren't really Christian demon monsters story. Vince has a scoop, right? Yeah. Vince was apparently in the middle of interviewing one of those convention organizers and the guy was like, yeah, we're hiring people to fake UFO sighted. I mean, I mean, we're not.

We're not doing that is what I wrote my notes. Did he interview Hagrid? Just like I shouldn't have said that. Should have said that. Yeah, so they trash talk for a minute, but then all of a sudden out of nowhere, old pensive man has been in the room with them this whole time. Hello. I don't know where he's just like, is no joke, my friend.

And everybody's like, dude, what the fuck? Where are we? I was standing in the dark corner for during your conversation. When you guys talked about sports and your kids for like 40 minutes, I was trying to make it a hello. I'm the child of the night, but I'm glad I waited. I'm glad I got it. All I had ready was something.

One of you had to say joke, so I could be like, no joke. And it took a while. One of them's like, Hey, man, how the fuck did you get in here? And he's like, the janitor let me in normal. What? And he goes, I don't think you realize just how important this UFO subject really is. And I'm like, nothing sane ever came after those words. He also tells his exact same story again.

And Brad is like, okay, do you have any proof of this? And they're like, God, Brad, stop asking people to say the things they think. Oh my God. At one point Vince is like, so who are these men in black? And the secret source, the guy, the inside guy, he's like, well, they work for some government agency. So really that's where they really pinning

and telling Boris their old pencil. No, not my department. No, I was in LFGD, Galaxy Defenders, life form, LFG. They just named the Cleveland baseball team after us, maybe you heard of it. Guardians. That's just sad name, whatever.

It's an improvement, but still. So, and then Brad's like, oh, come on, guys, it's all about money to which old pens of guys says the powers of darkness actually have a deeper agenda. And I'm like, okay, nothing's saying about money to which old Pensive Guy says, the powers of darkness actually have a deeper agenda. And I'm like, okay, nothing's saying ever came after that. This is a great moment where he's like, we couldn't have people believe too much in aliens, but also not too little.

So we need people to believe in a medium. Just from the right. Medium, medium, amount of alien stuff with your job. This is a man and black, a man and black. You would do medium aliens. Yep. And then they're like, okay, man, let's assume that you're right. And these are demons.

Why would demons fake alien sightings? And it's like, oh, good question. I think the world's probably going to end soon. And everyone in the movie is like, oh, yeah, normal, good question. I think the world's probably gonna end soon and everyone in the movie is like, oh yeah, normal, very personally. This is a good opinion. I'm talking about the end is not, said the same character in the movie.

Okay, and this is where it reveals the actual whole goddamn point of the film, right? What he's saying is that aliens are trying to like acclimate people to the idea of alien abduction so that when the rapture happens, people will assume that all of those folks have just been abducted by aliens. How? How does that help? Well, because then they won't know to turn their life over to Jesus quick while they still can. Oh, so it's like a, there's like a scoring system. Yeah.

And it's like, yeah, when does, when is the buzzer? Like, who after the tribulation? You have more points when, yeah, that's that. It's gotta, that's Jesus batten clean up and then they try and do the like war of the world's call back. Cause remember that from the beginning in the movies, like member war of the worlds, that was very real. Don't look it up on Wikipedia.

People hallucinated alien crafts. And that was a demon test. That was the devil. What? In what way? He was the Orson Wells is an antichrist test. Yes. The pre antichrist test. Yes. The pre-antichrist, you know.

That was a trick by Satan, the Prince of Darkness, that radio broadcast. Yeah. In 1938, and he's done none of that since. Yeah, so apparently he's shown up at their office in the middle of the damn night with essentially no new information, right? Just a big speech together, everybody.

You know, other than to say, like, I'm pretty sure this movie will end with the rapture. So he goes to leave. Brad has one last question, though. Brad, the atheist asshole, he's like, one more thing before you go. And he's like, yes, he's like, have you received Jesus and accepted

and measured personal savior? And everyone in the room is like, well, a fucking course he did. Man, why? Yeah, man, you think he's an atheist brat? For more. Why was you asked that? And then because he didn't mid mysteriously wandering away, we have to watch him be like, okay, now I'm mysteriously. Yes. We have to watch him be like, okay, now I'm the seriously.

Yes. I know you're a bathroom before I go though. It's like a. So I'd prefer a single stall if you got one of those. Okay. I'll take one I can get though. It's in a hurry. So yeah.

So he leaves. So the big article comes out and the whole damn world is reading it. And no one's reading it harder than Manny. I know he hasn't been important to the movie, but he is fucking reading the shit out of it in his 10 seconds of screen time, damn it. And this magazine, both sides magazine, is making a bunch of money and the movie does not realize why that fucks up their whole thing. Yup.

Right. Right, Right. Exactly. Yeah. So we cheered this long just way over a long montage of, you know, people of all ages and both races reading the magazine. And I'm like, by the end of it, I'm like, okay, you have now hand by all the people on earth that still read magazines in 2006. Okay.

Like, that's all of them right there. We cut to the office. They're getting so many emails, they're doing such a great job. And Brad's like, I'm winning the journalism, like 10 to one in terms of emails who voted for three years. What does that mean? Apparently they were doing a shrapnel for how they reacted.

Yeah, that's nonsense, but Darren is like, that's actually a really good point. But God doesn't care about score. He could win if he wants. He's not trying. He's not really. It's just a scrimmage for God. This is Darren's big ponage speech. And you just know tears were running down. Rich Christiano's face as he wrote, they when you die you're gonna go to hell and I think this is a good System right. Yeah, I'm gonna say he goes like when you die I know you're gonna die and I'm like that is a dark place to start your argument there But yes this rant was what this whole fucking movie was about this whole like you know God doesn't care if only a few people believe in it because we're better than you people and we'll watch you all burn.

Your flesh will be on fire. And then once it's burned the way you'll have new flesh that'll be on fire again. And then everybody's just looking at Darren like, yep, Darren's really getting Brad good. Yeah. You deserve this, Brad. You did ask him if he believes the thing he's saying very forcefully at you right now. That's right. Turn a leg of fire.

So you want to get a juice? Yeah, but ultimately, hey, let's not just glaze over the fact that the very best that the Christians can do when they're crafting the entire world from their fucking imagination is, you're going to wish you had agreed with me when you're dead. Yeah. Yeah. And he also, I love that Brad Welch is on baby Rob Schneider on their three-way date. And Vince is like, you know what? Just for that, I'm going to be a Christian now. I'm a Christian now too, just because of the right. So and then, and then of course, it turns out that it's Brad's turn to go get everybody their fucking juice boxes and their

Capri sons or whatever that fuck right yeah, so he goes to get he's very upset He goes to get the juice boxes and because it's the Christian or brothers you know this movie has one Glorious scene left to offer you've been sitting here the whole time thinking, is this going to fucking end with the goddamn rapture? So just then Brad walks back in with juices and toe. And he's coming back into, yes, the post rapture office of both sides, magazine. Okay. Okay. So the rapture has happened. And according to this moment in the movie, just the phone lines are going crazy off the hook at this magazine. So people are like, my family's gone. I need to call a news. Right. See if they can give me any detail. I need someone who I know will be fair and balanced about it. Both sides is it possible that my family is not gone. I'd like to hear

the argument for why my family is still here. So yes, we have bandages as juice. I don't know why I don't just carry it with him. It seems like it would take longer to set it down than to just run into the other room. But the bandages as juice, he runs into the newsroom and sure enough all of the main characters except the two Christian ones Keith and Darren are On the phone and trying to figure out where all the people who disappeared have just gone and while these airplanes keep crashing to the earth and Immediately Brad the atheist is like all right. Well, this is definitely the rapture. I am Christian now Brad the atheist is like, alright, well, this is definitely the rapture. I am Christian now.

Faxologic, unpone. I'm a Christian. So he decides to call any church. Yep. So he's like looking up church, comma, Jesus in the phone book. He says to find somebody to check on the science of this. Right, checks in with Vincent. He's like, Vincent, which church do I call?

Which one's the right one? Yeah, but Vince doesn't know how to church either. Damn it, he goes Episcopal Baptist. I don't know which is right. And of course the movie's like, it's fucking Baptist, okay? It's not an Episcopal. Oh, that's a goddamn idiot. But then they're like, oh wait, what about the only two

real TM Christians in the whole office? Somebody better check on them. So Brad runs and checks on Keith and he's missing. He's not in his office. Vince runs to check on Darren. I want to point that out. I want to underscore that very quickly that Vince by himself with no one else in the room

runs into check of Darren has disappeared and we watched that. Yes, he is surprised by what he's found as well. But then it turns out it was all a prank. It was okay. Okay. We need to talk about how this worked out. So Darren and Brad called the entire office of both sides magazine together. It was a game. everybody stop doing your work.

You know how Brad's been a real dick about my religion and the thing that I actually believe? I want you to all pretend it's true so that when he's worried about death and destruction and a missing child, which is part of the lie that they tell him, we can joke about and be like, ah, gotcha. And as a part of that, he had to be like, Lauren, you, you're not going to get raptured because you're fucking horse. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And keep in mind that they had like a juice run to set this all up, right? That's how long they had. There's been months, months of rehearsal and it's a whole thing. And then they finish this and Brad is like, hey, that's incredibly cruel and insane.

That's a terrible way to treat a coworker, especially when it's based on their religion and Darren's like, or is it a sneak peek at the future? And Brad's like, it's not. And he's like, or is it? It's like, it's not. And he's like, or is it? It's like, it's not. But he says, this illustrates a truth that's yet to come. That's what Darren the religion guy says. Yes. That's describing a thing that's not true. That's what that mean. That's something that's not exactly given a large enough universe. You're always describing or always illustrating the truth yet to come. And Darren points out and the movie seems to think this is a good point.

He's like, now think about this, Brad. If you're so confident in your atheist bullshit, you shouldn't have been scared at all when it looked like the rapture happened, right? So Brad's supposed to think, huh, when I had evidence, I did believe it, but now that that evidence turned out to be nonsense, I should still believe it. I really wanted Brad to pull out a handgun and be like, well, since you're going to go to heaven, you should want me to shoot you in the face right now, right? Okay, this ends on Darren being like the Bible, Jesus, demon aliens. No way that could be true.

And I hear him said I was like, or could it? And he literally says, or could it? That's the end of the fucking movie. He might as well do a two for flinching on Brad. Seriously, it's like, or could it, bing, wink, Cristiano Brothers, end of movie? Yeah, he might as well have done a jump freeze. Yeah. Well, okay, but the ending of the movie is actually,

Goddamn amazing. I don't know if you guys appreciated just how awesome the ending of it was, because there were like eight minutes of credits on this little movie. And then there were just like three and a half minutes of a black screen so that they could get almost to a 90 minute runtime. It's so good. They cheated for like 14 minutes at the end there. It was awesome. Oh, I thought you were going to say there was like a Marvel scene in there and I missed all the bad Brad goes back into his office and Samuel L Jackson is sitting there.

Jason Statham's just beating the shit out of an alien. Yeah. All right. Well, I know this seems like a weird question about a movie that was this ham-fisted about the points it was making, but I genuinely don't know. What was the moral of this story? Pay attention to your wife's religion.

Oh right right don't let her go off being the wrong religion. Okay, all right, make sense. Well that's gonna do it for a review of unidentified but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to identify the movie that we're doing next so Eli tell us what's on deck. Well Noah, after the tremendous success of our first Christian surfing movie review, turns out there's actually a bit of a genre there with more than one entry. Oh, okay. So we'll be watching soul surfer. Awesome. I think that was the one we meant to watch the first time. Okay. So with that, look forward to get us quaid. Fuck yeah. Oh, well, yeah. Oh, yeah. Quaid. Fuck yeah. Oh, well, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Informer Farnsworth Quoter. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring Episode 310 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon Doors that help make the show go if you'd like to catch up with them. I'm going to make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And they're by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help it to them by leaving a five star review and sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a, citation needed, D&D minus, and the Skeptch crowd available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies.com, legal services for this podcast, write a bit of love as a PM, Dritt Torres, Tim Robinson, take care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, the Bevel Retroaffes on Mars, all out the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life life this week for Heathen right now. I'm Neelai Bosnik, I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week

until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Brad escalated the prank war to kidnapping, and I 100% support him. Lauren accidentally tasted coffee one day and turned into an insatiable fucking machine. Vincent pranked Darren back by pretending to be God over the company loudspeaker and telling him to Hey Ben. We're met for you. They're gonna love that. Oink, oink, oink.

No, no, no, no. You don't ask fellow adults to say oink, oink, oink. I'm just so happy I got moinked and then be like, what's the murder? No, no, no, no, I'm going to bring a doorbell guy. It was too silly. Really are part of the end of the silly. Why don't you call it your good personal friend, Jamie Seminoff, the creator of the ring doorbell. Maybe you've heard of it. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Maybe you've heard of it.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021 all rights reserved.