God Awful Movies - 311: Soul Surfer

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

On this week's episode, Michael Marshall joins us for an atheist review of Soul Surfer, the story of the problem of evil, as told by a shark. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K

Alright, you got the keg, you got the semi-trailer full of $40,000 worth of fireworks. We're all in high school. This is real. Have you got the sound system so we can play our selected favorites from now? That's what I call on the nose. The sound in the background. The sound in the background. The lyrics are, after midnight, we're at a control.

We're at a control, we're at a control, We're at a control, we're at a control, We're at a control! Amazing! And I'll shark, shark, shark! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? left is my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thank you, though. We got Kevin, mother fucking sorboh of the Farnsworth quote. Yes, very excited. Yes, of Farnsworth quote, fame. And unfortunately Eli will be unable to join us this week, but sending one pond to my east is the host of B reasonable, the co host of skeptics with

a K the project director for the good thinking society and probably other stuff by now to Michael Marshall Marsh. Welcome back, sir. Hey, guys, thanks for having me back. And thank you for acknowledging the Kirsten cinema thing. It goes through my head every single time I hear you do an episode of GAM. And I just I scream at my podcast, do you mean Kirsten cinema? So thank you for finally making that explicit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were here first. All right. So it does it does maybe wonder what other senators you could like get, you could wish into existence in the, in a sort of the secret kind of way by one of the,

one of the phrases you could repeat so often, you manifest them into a Republican mixle, like fuck. Damn it. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Soul Surfer. It's the story of a Christian movie losing an argument with the problem of evil inside the movie they wrote. It's pretty amazing. And not realizing it.

Marsh, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the Karate Kid, but you just wish Damien Ruizor had lost a limb as a punishment from God, you will love this movie. It's basically that but surfing. It's point foreseic. Well, that's fantastic. Well done. Okay, so we should at least acknowledge that this is really a case of Eli kind of dropping a grenade on the schedule and running because this movie rarely remembers that it's Christian

and when you subtract the Christian shit, it's just a touching story about a brave young woman overcoming her disability and trauma. It's a bad one, right? So, I guess, you know, at least it's not about a mentally ill guy bombing a kindergarten could be worse kind of a thing. That's good. It's actually a case of ill, but it's not illite. It's heath dropping a grenade and not running.

Oh, we got specific requests for this one. Yeah. It's got Sorbonne. It's got Quaid and it is Christian. So I was like, yeah, Sharkweed. And it's got Carrie Underwood. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So if we're there, we're there anyway. Yeah. Okay. So does anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I mean, you've pretty much touched on it there. It's best worst remembering this is a true story. Because there's times in this film, you're like, oh, this is about a shark attack. This

is someone who loses limb to shark. Like, always the shark come in. Oh, the shark's going to eat it. But then you like, no, it did, it did do that. And she did kind of overcome that. And we are going to take the piss out of that. But it's, but you are constantly dealing with that, that knife edge. Right. All right. So I was going to go with best worst rival. Okay. Now this is apparently not based on a real person. I'm not surprised, but this is a movie about Malina, the rival dammit, not about Bethany. Oh, absolutely. That's most of my notes is like, oh, Malena's the protagonist. Yeah, she's the hero of this whole thing. Yeah.

All right, we'll get to why, but she is a phenomenal. She is, she says, fuck you better to the one armed girl than anyone. I did that I could. That's for certain. It's so good. She's my hero. I love Malena. She's a great character. I was going to go with best worst manipulating heath personally. So they've got the most adorable goddamn dog in this business. It's the dog with like so much extra face skin. I don't know which type, Sharpey maybe.

No, it's a big giant one. Okay, yeah, I don't know what the one I'm thinking of is. It's one of the ones with way too much face skin, not what I said, but it's very manipulative, but they also do like the main character is adorable and great and she overcomes this whole thing and she's pretty awesome. Everybody else sucks around her. Her family's the worst and everybody's terrible, but they manipulate me a lot. Most importantly, with the stump. So like we said, this is about a shark biting off a girl's arm. So she's got a stump after that. And they adorably addressed this stump at one point, a tiny little

kid like Caesar and he's like, poke your stump. That is. All right. Well, we've got a remarkably short story and a regular length movie on the other side of this break. So we're going to take a minute to steal ourselves, but we're back in a minute with all the schlock that is soul surfer. And so I said, fine, then let's just name them in order then. Right?

Okay. So Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, and gold. You missed the Andorra. You're right. Whoops, yeah. Okay. So Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, and gold. Okay.

And Dorra. Guys, guys, I don't want to be rude, but can we just go ahead and do the ad read? I can't turn my AC on when we're recording and it's 98 degrees here. I take it. That's hot in American. It's not just the heat, man, it's the swamp ass. The swamp ass. Yeah, you know, sometimes it feels like

you're sat in a puddle of water, but your pants are still dry. Oh, okay, yeah, no, sorry. We call that bulgrum. Oh, gotcha. Well, why don't you try curing it with the hellow Tushy beater? What's hellow Tushy?

Oh, he was very clearly talking to me. He's... I think he was talking about them us. That's a point. Keep your sweaty ass crack clean all summer long with the brand new hella Tushy 3.0 modern beater attachment. It's a stylish, eco-friendly, refreshing little shower for your ass.

Hella Tushy 3.0 cleans soggy bottoms like a champ, but it doesn't stop there. It cleans itself with the smart spray automatic self-cleaning nozzle. I don't know, Marsh. It sounds like there's going to be a bunch of electricity and extra plumbing. Yeah, right. Nobody wants to deal with all of that, but that's why the Hello Tushy Beater attached to your existing toilet with no electricity and no extra plumbing needed. And Hello Tushy cuts toilet paper used by 80%, so it'll pay for itself in a few months. But what if I'm not satisfied?

Well, Hello Tushy's got your ass covered with the 60 day risk free guarantee and a 12 month warranty. So defeat swamp ass and boggrum, go to HelloTushy.com slash awful to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners at HelloTushy.com slash awful for 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer for our listeners at hellotoshi.com slash awful for 10% off.

HelloToshi.com slash awful. Awesome, I'll give it a try. All right, good. So no hurry on the ad read then, Marsh. You were at Angola. Angola, right, right. So Angola, and then you get Antigra and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Australia. Bethany, thanks so much for coming in.

Glad to be here. Please don't interrupt. So Roy Hamilton, your Bethany's manager, I hear you want to make a Christian movie. That's right. So yeah, Bethany got, you know, bit by a shark love of who cares? That's boring. I want to sell this thing with Jesus. Oh, I was hoping we could

focus on the actual story. Bethany, please, please, sorry about that. Sorry, she's, she's kind of up and it's ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, she needs to read the book of Timothy. I'm the right. Book of Timothy. Yeah. Exactly. Actually said that. Bethany, remember I said that when, when you were been all mouthy before, I said book of Timothy. Do you want me to answer? Bethany please. Bethany. Thank you. Anyway, who's playing me?

Well, actually, we've got some great news on that. Kevin, coming in. Hey, I'm Kevin Sorbo. Nice. I'm Roy Hamilton. They call me Dutch actually. Sweet. They call me P-nut.

That's awesome. We both have nicknames. Yeah, yeah. I love you wrap around sunglasses, BTWs. I love yours, they're awesome. Thanks, breath, they're tactical actually. I use them for tactics as well. No way.

Cool, cool. Yeah, tactics are important. Tactics are important. Tactics are the best. Guys, can we talk about the movie? Shut the fuck up, guys. Don't get me. Don't get me. Watch your tone. My God hate you. Sorry about that. Anyway, let's make this Christian movie. Yeah, we're going to Jesus the fuck out of this.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on the descending ladder of ever worst production company logos. Right, we started at the top, like try to start pictures and then we just keep moving now. And the thing is, as we got through the I dense for the for the logos, they started to involve more and more footage. And it was like they were trying to fake me out on when the movie started.

Right, yeah, one of them was actually at a beach. Is that right? This is the film now, the right? No, no, another logo. I was just looking forward to a Dennis Quaid movie that's not about the Bosnian genocide. Oh, there you go. Yeah, right. That's small. That's actually a subtext to Innisfice as well. That should have been their tagline.

Also, because I think it predated the Bosnian genocide. Yeah, right. People really should have been paying attention to that. Very prophetic film. I've said that for years. All right, so we open up finally on some home surfing videos. The first fucking spoken line is, I was born in Hawaii and I'm like, oh, man, I feel bad when I have to settle for that opening for a citation needed essay and they did it for their movie. Yeah.

And watching the surfing footage as well, in immediate struck me that I have no surfing knowledge. Like, I was worried, will I need more surfing knowledge than I've currently got? Because the only surfing knowledge that I have came from the 1987 California Games on the Marsega Master System. Okay, yeah. So, like, I know you can go up and down

and I know that you just, you die if you disappear over the back of the horizon. But that's as far as I can go. If they made the movie an eight bit, it would have been better. Or just a team or whatever that system was. Yeah. So the voiceover's telling us all about how she grew grew up. She's like, basically, she's like,

allow me to introduce all the pertinent named characters in the film, essentially, right? And then we see these two, her and her best friend plan, Yucca Leili, really bad. And I'm like, okay, that's why Eli isn't here. Anna wouldn't let him expose their son to that level of you the lately. That makes sense. Yeah, but okay, I will say this girl is very likable so far. And this is my best worst. This is Heath getting manipulated. And I was like, all right, she's very likable, but they will ruin it.

And then immediately it's like cut to terrible Christian music at like a pastor retreat, chitty thing where they're playing terrible music. I was like yep, okay, yeah this weird fucking Go to church think the beach church that they've got yeah, right, but They have carry underwood and I was like don't woo me with carry underwood. How dare you? She's a mercenital. I love her. Oh, she's the best. Oh, hey not just carry underwood. They've got Helen hunt Yeah, how the hell did they get? I've got to actually, I've got a theory that I'm just later as to how they got Helen Hunt. But like, she's got a career, she's got Emmys, she's got an Academy Awards. I mean, Dennis Quayton

is film. That makes sense. That makes sense. Helen Hunt. Well, you know, look, when you film in Hawaii, you get a slightly better cast and you otherwise would have had. Yeah, you can see Helen Hunt fucking hate every line she delivers. Oh, yeah, she has great love in this because he's like, Oh, Christopher movie, this is my thing. Helen Hunt cannot stand what's happening now. He's begrudgingly doing the movie. No, absolutely. At any given time, Helen Hunt is trying to exit this movie and it becomes more apparent as the film goes on. Also, if you look at, I don't know if you looked up who Helen Hunt and Dennis Quaid were playing, but the Hamilton's, who wrote the book, the book, there's this and they were very kind to themselves in casting Helen Hunt as Mrs. Hamilton. And even to be fair, Dennis Quaid as Mr. Hamilton, they've, they've really done well

out of that. Yeah. Marshall has actually put side by side pictures of this in the notes and it is rough. The, the actual Hamilton's have their amazing Sharpe in the picture and it's adorable, but they are not looking great. Well, when you look at the picture of them too, of like, of Mr. Hamilton holds in the Sharpe, it's very difficult to tell which one is the Sharpe and which one is Mr. Hamilton. Mr. Hamilton holds in the Sharpe. It's very difficult to tell which one is the Sharpe and which one is Mr. Hamilton. There's some very familial similarities. Yeah, but there are.

Well, they have the exact same number of next. Yeah, like, you know how pets, they say, oh, your pets start looking like their owners. It's very rare to owners start looking like their pets, but it's happened. We don't know, I mean, that could have been a golden retriever to begin with. We don't know.

Yeah. Also, by the way, I mean, yeah, Dennis Quaid does not look like this guy, but he does tan and his dad bod throughout this movie are ridiculous. He looks like a chimney sweep at a tang factory. It's just so much blotchy orange. It's not good. Yeah.

He looks like they were shooting for it at least. His face looks entire like it's made out of bacon. If you put the right offer code into the Mike website, you get a Dennis Quayne head 17. She also, she's talking about how much she loves the ocean and she is delighted by the ocean to an entirely boring degree. And it's struck me that in every sentence in this film, for the first 50 minutes, somebody says either see or serve in every single sentence It's remarkable how centric they are on those two concepts. Yeah, that's gonna be this surfing is the only

Personality characteristic that anyone gets in this film other than Christian Yeah, but the only tragedy is that the shark doesn't eat more of them Yeah, honestly, I was mad at this point that I know Dennis Quaid personally doesn't get sharked, but this adorable girl does. Yeah. I did like, so mom and dad here, Dennis Quaid and Helen Hunt, they're having a surfing competition between the two of them and the family's all watching. It's like a thing they do together and two fun things.

First of all, Dennis Quaid got hurt during this shooting very clearly. He like, he got, you know, waved over a little too much and like stuck under a little too much. So, oh, it's fun. I enjoyed watching Dennis Quaid get hurt. But it's a surfing movie. Like it's going to, it's going to be all about surfing competitions later extra like professional ones. They all have the same problem, surfing movies. How do you win? How do you out surf somebody else? I know there's like actual answers to that,

but it's not clear when you're watching unless you're also a pro. Right, it's not like they surf race or something where there's a score that you're watching run up like in a baseball game or something, yeah. Yeah, somebody's a score that you're watching run up like in a baseball game or something. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody pulls off an amazing sort of twisty flipy type thing like in gymnastics and you're like, oh yeah, okay. Yeah. That is definitely the thing that's made them win there. There's no there's no crane kick. Exactly. I turned really good. Okay. All right. That's

pretty good turn. I can't say that you didn't turn good. So yeah, so mom and dad are having their little surfing competition. The kids are on the beach, great. Now it's just such a good family. This ends in a fucking sand fight. No pocket sand though. Nobody does sand to the ice. That's the one. That's the one.

That's the one. Exactly. Exactly. So they'll be cut up. We see a little bit of skateboarding because this movie's too extreme. Apparently we've cut from that in prom to a surf competition to a lesson prom to surf competition. This is where we're going to meet K-sorbs. Oh, man. I was even more angry that Sorbo isn't getting sharked. I knew that. Yeah. No, shit. He's going to be right next to it. Fucking dumbass shark. And so we get the skateboarding thing for a second and one of the skateboarders is like

Hey, you want to have a better sport for a movie you should check out skateboarding and the movie's like fuck you moving on Yeah, what's gonna eat my arm in a fucking skateboarding movie? Think okay, that would have been awesome He's a He's a He's a They they they'd given that was that yeah to be fair the shark is entirely on that one. Yeah, right So the movies mad about how they got made fun of in their movie that they picked the wrong thing and they go right back to serving and then we watch a Serving montage that's mostly as it is in reality people just floating. Yeah, yeah

It's just lying down because you know you have to wait a long time between waves. You do, yeah, paddle back out and just sit there. And they try and make it all exciting. They've got commentators sort of talking over the top of it. They talk about Ben Iper is in the house. They're very excited about professional stuff of Ben Iper. Ooh. It'll hit appear now and then that's their kind of level

of excitement. But while they're having this competition, the two girls who in this competition, it keeps cutting to their parents on the side, talking about like, oh, you know, we didn't want to worry them or pressure them to know they were competing. So, but they don't know they're competing in the competition.

They've entered the prize. I feel like the announcers are dead giveaway, yeah. Yeah, there's a commentator. I mean, admittedly, the commentator is about as enthusiastic as Kevin Sorbore reading a script on Camille. He's got all that. I mean, admittedly, the commentator is about as enthusiastic as Kevin Sobel reading a script on Camille. He's got all that kind of elementary interest, but he's still a commentator. I like that Dennis Quaid gives surf advice here too.

It underscores the whole problem with surf movies as competition movies. He's like, Bethany, what you need to do is surf 5.2 more units. Yep. Yeah, exactly. Everybody's like, all right. I don't know, man. What do I turn? 5.2 more units. Yeah, exactly. Everybody's like, all right. I don't know, man. What do I turn 5.2 times? I don't even understand what that means.

Yeah, well, and again, they put a commentator in there as though they're trying to help us out. Hold our hands, but that motherfucker speaking Mandarin Chinese. I don't know any of the shit he's saying. Let's say it's like slow the fuck down, man. Are you showing off how many surf words you know? It's like, because he's got no enthusiasm in his voice.

It's like he's reading it from a script, but he's not a native English speaker. And so he's just trying to explain. Someone's written it phonetically for him, but he doesn't know where the words start or end or what they mean. Okay, all right. That's what I think has happened there. All right, and now it's time for us to meet Malena,

the arch nemesis and in my opinion, hero of the film. So they're apparently in this surfing competition, like everybody just fights for the same wave and whoever gets it gets the points. I think that's real though. Yeah. It's just like you fight for the wave. It's really slow moving. So most of surfing is just a paddle race. Yeah, exactly. And I have no choice to write in my notes, things like she surfing so surfily. Yeah, she definitely was. 100% surf, surf, surf, surf, yeah. Well, she got the big tidal wave at the end there that I guess the biggest wave wins. I don't fucking know. Well, when that happened, the commentator said holding nothing back, potentially one of the highest scoring rides of the day.

But again, he said it in in the voice of someone reading out the instructions on some self-assembly furniture. Yeah. She's holding nothing back. So the one of the highest all the waves were the best for Bethany. Great. So yeah. So Bethany takes first place in Malena, the Nemesis takes second. So, you know, if I can, Bethany can go fuck herself, Malina storms off. We also, so her friend, Alana, this is the best friend character throughout the film, she's also in the surfing competition.

She took third, so, you know, all of the, she took third and then it turns out, one of the things they were competing for, but they weren't really sure they were competing for, was sponsorship by Ripcold and Ripcole decided to sponsor them both. First place and third place, not second place. It's fucked up. So fucking harsh.

Paul Malina. Malina is the hero and they fuck her. I hate everything. Ripcole just has a thing for blondes. What that's going to say, that's the thing is that the Malina is the only one that's even remotely of color. So what we have to believe in watching this movie is they skipped over the date of Islander Girl and got the two white girls on either side over, yeah.

She's also objectively the best surfer. Again, like, I don't know what that exactly means, but she won. In my head, she clearly wins all of these. She's the best. Every time we see her serve, she wins. Yeah. Every single serving thing we see, they're like, oh, yeah, that's like in the high nines. That's the best. Every time we see her serve, she wins. Yeah. Every single surfing thing we see it do, they're like, oh yeah, that's like in the high nine. That's an incredibly good serve. Every single time she takes it aboard. Yeah, exactly. But yes, the girls learn that they're

getting a big sponsorship from Rip Curl. That is going to be, I was going to say pivotal to the movie. But does anything really pivotal? That's in the fucking shark. But anyway, you know, her way for them, their dreams are being realized. And now that we've had 10 minutes of surfer or so, it's in the fucking shark. But anyway, you know, her ready for them, their dreams are being realized. And now that we've had 10 minutes of surf or so, it's time for some soul. So we cut to Beth and he go into the church gazebo. This is the microscopy scene. Right.

Yes. Okay. This is a church event. Carry on to what is the youth pastor. And she's running something with all these kids called rad nights. Yeah, rad nights. Does anybody know what is a rad night? Well, it's one that starts in the middle of broad daylight and finishes in pitch darkness.

So it's like 12 hours long or something. Yeah, so that's quite a night. Yeah, exactly. Because it's rad, dude, because this movie's extreme. The night is rad. Oh, that went right over my head. Maybe it's not in like a certain percentage of the earth's rotation like well. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. Or they're being exposed to some kind of radio

action. Yeah. Radiation. I was thinking maybe like the the unit of radio. Yeah. One of the other. So but they're playing this. She's making this point. She's like she'll put something on the TV screen. She's like, what is this? And everybody will take a gas, but it's zoomed way, way in. And it turns out it's the eye of a fly. You know, it's a walnut, but it looks really weird. Yeah, that sounds radical. That's a radical. Yes, exactly, exactly.

So and I'm sitting here going like, okay, I am dying to know how she ties flies. Walnuts, microscopy and Christianity together here, but it's all to make the point that sometimes things look weird when you look at them too close and you have to back away and that's when you see Jesus. Yeah, this is how she ties them. You ready? If you look at a Walnut really close, it looks like testicles. And that reminds me of Jeremiah 2911. Yeah. But I know the plans that I have for you says the Lord. What? How was that connected? They'll come back to it later and try to tie it back in.

And it's no better. The Lord has his arm getting bit off by a flash. I know this. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yep. Also, how old are the kids in this youth church? Because some in the background are very clearly

in their twenties playing the Guest of Walnut game, which is not the Guest of Walnut game, you'd imagine some of the twenties who's playing to be honest. Well, but if you get close up enough, it looks like it is though, yeah. So, but then, so that we wrap on with this up and this is where Bethany has to inform Carrie Underwood that she can't go on the mission trip to Mexico because she's busy surfing. Oh, I love this so much because she to explain why she's not going. She brings a lot of goods to donate to Mexico. So she's like, I can't go to Mexico, but his full cans of spam and a pair of old shoes. So we cool, we good.

She's like, well, let's Mexico. So sure, sure. In fairness, Bethany is like, yeah, I have, you know, a real job in the economy now. Yeah, I can't go. Yeah, I could give money instead of fucking four cans of spam way more money than that's worth if you want, because I have a job now. But it's like, fuck you. No, you said you're going to help with the Jesus something. Yeah, carry on to its point.

It's like, oh, so you're going to miss out and being at the Mexican orphanage. If you're too busy becoming a professional and fully sponsored surfer, huh? That's the point you're trying to make. It's like, yeah, obviously, obviously in what world am I not taking that? Right?

Also, spoiler, the point of the movie is that Bethany's going to get famous from this shark attack and have like a big important thing because she's a professional surfer and that's going to help out Christianity way more than one person going to a dumb mission thing. Right, but this movie even knowing how it ends doesn't realize this. So the next scene is her Bethany and Helen Hunt, her mom, Bethany's trying to bitch about how Carrie Underwood was very disapproving of her not going to the mission trip. And of course, Helen Hunters on Jesus slash Kerry Underwood side.

I mean, I think Helen Hunt is on the side of whatever lines I put in front of her at that moment. Because this is what I thought, right? Helen Hunt, you can tell she's totally checked out of this point. She's not interested in one scene. She's like meant to be invested in a daughter's career. The very next scene, she's encouraging her to put that career aside and go on a random trip to Mexico. And I think Helen Hunt did not even bother reading the script. I think it was like a mile and brand or thing where someone just had to hold the lines up in front of her and she'd read it. I honestly think, and this is where I'm off the first time I know there's actually a helicopter always just out of shot whenever Helen hunts

on screen. That's what it's wrong. on standby and she reads the lines and fucks off and that's it like one take. That's amazing. That's probably true. Dude, in this scene, she's the whole time she's strapping a surfboard to a minivan they're about to leave somewhere. I think that's just Helen Hunt going like film quick. I'm leaving, right?

You have until I get the goddamn thing strapped to the roof of my van and that's what the scene's over. And actually in this scene, Helen Hunt's like, all right, I think she should go to Mexico and the daughter is like, no, I have a fucking real job and and Helen Hunt ends with like, all right, it's your call, honey, it's all like passive aggressive. I think they just got lucky with that. Helen Hunt was just like being angry and passive in real life. Yeah, yeah, definitely because if Helen Hunts been in actual films, she's read actual scripts. So if you put a script in front of an invested Helen Hunts,

she's going to say, well, hang on, why is this the first time I, the mother, is hearing that my daughter isn't going to Mexico? Why is it the first time I'm going to be aware of this? I might already have known this. This is an I'm you know, she'd have picked up all of this stuff. No, she doesn't care And she's just like, I don't know just do what you fucking want. Yeah, right. I'm I have a hell of a hell of a Saguay. I was just right now. I know it's something to eat my a fucking shark already. She might as well end every scene with like that Hand motion of like starting the helicopter Well, there's a few times she does like a Hang 10 motion. And if you look carefully, she's actually just gesticulating to the helicopter.

Yeah, it's the spinning, spinning, roll tree blades thing. So okay, so late that night, mom and dad are checking out the surf forecast for the next day. And I'm like, God, Jesus, can we give somebody any other fucking personality trait? Oh, God, yeah, they're looking at the computer animation of like how the waves are, there might as well be a giant shark in the graphic. Just like the way. Come on, just gets to shark, let's go.

So yeah, start your movie. So meanwhile upstairs, Bethany and her friend are gonna sneak out that night, go to the fucking beach party. Hell yeah. And of course, because this is a Christian movie, we have to play this like, first of all, this is the first time

they ever did something like this. And then also that Bethany wasn't too sure about it and only agreed reluctantly, right? Sure. Yeah, this is all her friends fault. She says in her own bio-fac- Yeah, that's exactly what she wrote. She wrote her sentence.

Yeah, also one of the writers was like, oh, we're gonna build this shark. So this is just like the first of a few pump fakes. So they go out there and it's like, all right, party night surfing. They have some glow sticks and a handful of chum. Nothing is gonna go wrong. But nothing goes wrong.

We don't get the shark attack yet. We get shark-side view camera and nothing happens. Like, fuck you. Yeah, we cut to shotgun. And I thought, this is that full moon party. How are we even going to get a wear shock? Is that where we're going with this? So much better.

And is that like so much better, Marsh? Half-shock, half-wolf, is it half-man half-shock? Like, right? Half-visit, I used to wear. These are things we needed to know. I feel like you're literally naming shark movies that actually exist. Yeah, no, there's not a syllable you can put in front of the word shark.

It's not absolutely a call to wear a shark. Yes. So, oh, and also, by the way, so this is just some fucking party that the local skaters are throwing. They brought a $40,000 firework show with them. At the secret party, they snowcow to a beach party with a pro firework display on a tiny island. Just, just, you can, you can see their house from the water's edge. All right. You got, you got the keg. You got the semi trailer full of $40,000 worth of fireworks. We're all in high school. This is real. Yeah. Have you got the sound system so we can play our selected favorites from now? That's what I call on the nose.

The sun in the background. The sun in the background. The lyrics are, after midnight, we're at a control. We're at a control. We're at a control. Amazing. At all. Shark, shark, shark.

All right, but we're get there. We're get there, guys. So we have this, this the next morning, K-sorbs is taken, all the kids out for more fucking surfing. At the same time, by the way, this is gonna kind of matter. Dennis Quaid is going in for knee surgery with Dr. Craig T Nelson.

Again, when you're filming in Hawaii, I guess you just can't crack T-Nelson, right? Yeah, I feel like you're about to go in for surgery. You're just like, coach, come on. Yeah, right. You're a coach, you're hating Fox. I know you're hating Fox. You sound a lot like Mr. Incredible.

He wasn't a doctor. So yeah, so we get him getting ready for surgery, we get a fucking, I was, I wrote surfing montage, but then I erased surfing and I added paddling because really like, again, that's what most of surfing montage, but then I erased surfing and added paddling because really like, again, that's what most of surfing is, right? Yeah, and it's so confusing this bit because as they're getting in the water, Kevin Solboy drives them all the way there and is saying, like, right now, we can't be long because I've

got a meeting at 10. And it's either a meeting in 10 or a meeting at 10, but either way, unless this is 7am, it wasn't worth the trip because you're still going to be a drive back. You're going to have like an hour in the water, something not worth it. Especially even before you get eaten by a shark, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so they actually start surfing for a second, but all we get to see is the actual

actors very clearly miss a wave. And then they cut to stunt people who are like magically like 10 feet ahead and on the way. Yeah. Awesome. It's so bad. And the stunt person for Bethany is Bethany. I think I think she plays herself doing the stunts. Even though she looks not that much like the actress, they don't have the same hair or anything, but I always sort of film her from an awkward distance so that you can't tell that that's not even the same lady, even though they only have one arm. Yeah. It's very clearly not the actress. Yeah, Bethany does the stunts. That's cool. She actually is professional surfer. She's a good surfer. As far as my limited surfing knowledge will allow me to say that,

she seemed decent. Yeah. So at this point, I was like, I need the goddamn shark to happen already. And the movie heard me shark attack. It was pretty great. It took longer for the shark to show up in this film than it did in jaws. A film famous for the shark. Yeah, now, okay, so in the shark to show up in this film than it did in jaws, a film famous for the shark. Yeah. Now, okay, so in the shark's defense, he's just snacky, right? He took a bite of her arm and he's like, that's plenty. I'm good. They, they freak the fuck out, right?

So, so her and her friend are like just hanging out after a little bit of surfing and suddenly her arm is bitten off by a shark. The dialogue is great as well at that point because like, hey, do you believe we get to come here every day with so lucky? Could you believe we come here every day and that, you know, nothing can ever happen in the immediate future to change by the that or how many arms we each have in it? Right? Yes.

Let's sing a song about the total number of arms we have to eat for a person and do. And shark attack. Yeah. And are there sharks that do that that are like, I'm doing, you know, I'm doing a locale number of arms we have two each per person and shark attack. Yeah. And are there sharks that do that that are like, I'm doing, you know, I'm doing a locale right now. So I'm just going to do one little, does that happen? I clearly that happened fast. It popped into the face of a reality. This did happen. Yeah. It was also a second armor allegor, whatever. So fine. It would have been funny if he'd gone around and gotten the other are. I imagine

reality, the shark kind of like went for her and pulled her under a bit or something like that, not just like she was on the board. And he just like pops his head up, goes, y'all ink the damn sure arm and it goes back under again. It was the sneaky shark attack was on, it was on screen for such a shot my time. I genuinely left out loud and then felt terrible because I remember this is a story. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah. So, but yeah, but so case artists rushes out they they get out of the water. He sends his son ahead. He's like, you know, go to the car where my cell phone is and call 911. I'm like, yeah, I probably should have brought the cell phone and left

it there at the beach, but okay. Yeah. They make a paddle back by itself as well. They don't help a paddle back. Thank you. And I really wanted to and she does a great job paddling back, but I really wanted to just kind of go in circle. Yeah, right. Yeah. She's just like rolling over on the board doing backstroke, regular stroke, backstroke, the one arm. It would have been good.

The kid gets to the car, right? He doesn't have the keys. I wanted her to have been holding the keys when this happened, but no, it's Kevin Sorbo's. God, I'm so. Yes. So when this happens, Sorbo is so unhelpful. He's right there. He's just like, everybody's swim and they're like, yeah, man, we were gonna. We're gonna. Thank you. And he doesn't go over and like, help me swim either. He's just like, everybody fucking de-up and swim evenly. Let's go. With the kid getting to the car as well, they play that whole sequence out.

Like it's a slasher film and he's been chased and said, oh, the shark was biting from inside the house. He actually fumbles with the door like the shark's right behind him. Like he's like, like, clink, clink, clink, clink, drop some, and he smashes the window. Yeah. And then, okay, so, so they get her to the cart. We get, we cut to the hospital where dad's surgery, he's about to go in for surgery and they come in and they're like, oh, hey, some girl got half eaten by a shark while she was out surfing this morning.

This is the worst doctoring ever. Dr. Runs and he's like, there's shark tock teenage girl. Looks exactly like yours, North Shore. Maybe yours. I don't know hard to say later. That's it. They cut from there. Yeah, they couldn't have narrowed it down.

And he was like, a shark, sorry, a shark is attacked a blonde teenage surf girl who recently got a pro surfing sponsorship and then turned down the trip to Mexico. They might as well say that. Who is it? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Anyone. It would have been great if it was somebody else, actually, at this point. I love to their, they're driving away with Kevin Sorbo and the, and the son and the son's yelling and up to him. It's like, Dad, there's a lot of blood. And I'm like, why would hope so? I mean, come on. This is a very mysterious way.

This is a Christian movie. I feel like we're running up against the problem of the, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Sorry. We cut momentarily to Helen Hunt, who at this point seems to be reading dialogues from either a different scene or a different movie. I can't tell.

But they're not related to this at all. She's got a piece of paper in her hand at the time. So I think she was actually practicing her lines for the next film she was doing in this shot. Very possible. Yeah. But her character, it's so dumb. So Helen Hunt, apparently just randomly is on the road and she sees an ambulance go pastor and then she sees Kevin Sorbo's truck right by an ambulance and she recognizes it. So she's like, fuck, that's my daughter. And then she starts praying. And she's like, please God, presumably don't kill my daughter.

Just teach her a good lesson. And that's actually the lesson of the movie. Yeah. Yeah, we cut to the ambulance, the EMT is there. It's the same, like look in my eyes, don't pass out, et cetera. And I know that that's what he's supposed to do, but it seems real flirty, what he's doing it with this,

and I don't know, it's kind of creep me out for just a second. But we get her to the hospital, she's full-blown blurry cam at this point, right? Oh, yeah, we know that she's in a bad way because we're seeing her through a fish eye lens. Yes, ironically. Right. We also get the doctor running back into Dennis Quaid and being like, Hey, buddy, yeah,

it's your daughter. Okay. Time for surgery. And he's, he's quite as already under anesthesia. So it's kind of, I feel like it's an awkward moment. He's just like all happy and being like, wait, my daughter got. Yeah. And what I thought here was like, why do we keep focusing on Dennis Quaid at this point?

I thought, right, got it, plot twist. The shark turned out to be venomous and they need to shrink Dennis Quaid down and then get into her to get the venomous venom out. He's got form. He's got form for it. Right. Yeah, exactly. We do get Dennis Quaid being like a scared dad, but he's got the hospital gown, which

was hilarious because he's like trying hospital gown, which was hilarious, because he's like trying to like fight off people and his ass is hanging. He's just running through. I enjoyed that. Also, he was under anesthetics for a neoporation as well. So he's like, all wopply like this. Yeah.

Doesn't work out well for him. He just gets up and immediately falls. That like that would have been more. Oh, that was fun. It was on me. You guys were halfway through the knee surgery. Damn, damn, that's rough. But yeah, yeah.

So, and then we'd link your run fucking surfer having long enough to make sure everybody gets the fucking light at the end of the tunnel reference there. Oh, I did not get that at all. Okay, this is a better movie than I thought. All right, well, he's needs a minute to catch up on all the nuance and everything. So we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute to catch up on all the nuance and everything so we're gonna take a quick break But we'll be back in a minute with even more soul surfer So how you looking for the trip Noah?

Well, I mean I was looking forward to it But then I remember that it involves going to an airport and being around other people for a week and then going back to an airport Right, but what's the problem with that? Oh, I hate everything and everyone annoys me. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, gotcha. Well, how about you just tune out the world of the pair of Raycons everyday earbuds? So, wait, I wouldn't have to hear a small talk. No, not long. Or larger talk. Nope, nope. You can just tune out the whole world and listen to your favorite playlist, audiobook, or your favorite podcast. And let me tell you, Raycons are the best way to listen.

They come with a bunch of gel tips for your comfort and unlike some other brands, they don't stick out of your ears. They even have a 32-hour battery life so you can listen to what you want, when you want, and for a really long time. Yeah, but wireless earbuds are always so overpriced. And I usually come home from airports with a lot of new fines and court costs and stuff. Yeah, but Raycon start half the price of other premium audio brands and they sound just as good. Raycon's come with a 45 day happiness guarantee, so you really can't lose. He's right. You cannot lose. Raycon actually sent us a pair to try

when they started advertising with us. And it's the way I listen to all my podcasts now. Oh, hey, here's what are you doing here? That's personal endorsement. Oh, right. Yeah. No, God, okay. I'm sold. Marsh, how do I get a pair? Create your own soundtrack with Raycon right now. Gamelessness can get 15% of their Raycon order at buyraycon.com slash Gam. That's buyraycon dot com slash gam that's by raycon dot com slash gam to say 15% on raycons by raycon dot com slash gam. Wait, what's raycon? It does it does the end of the year, I don't think it counts. I feel like that counts.

Andrew? Hey, Gabriel, you got a second? Oh yeah, Goddell, what's up? Yeah, so we have a pretty serious problem. Right. The climate change thing, yeah. What? No, no. The 1930s were actually way hotter. It's totally fine. The climate change thing. That's nothing. Yeah, I don't think I'd secure it. Whatever. It's not, it's not caused by humans. So again, that's wrong. But either way, why is that relevant to you? Okay, I feel like we're getting off track. There's a girl in Hawaii who is skipping a missionary trip to Mexico. And that's your big focus right now.

Yes, Gabriel. That's my big focus right now. She told her pastor that she would go, but now she has some kind of like professional surf thing and she's backing out. So I need to teach her a lesson. I was thinking I send a shark to bite off her arm. Okay, I feel you went straight back to shark again there. Why can't you just cancel her surf thing? Dude, it's a photo shoot for Rip Curl. I'm an asshole. I'm a job creator.

I'm like a cancel photo shoot. Fine, fine. Well, how about what if a shark all more of the taxa, but then I personally save her with a flying angel magic on camera and then everybody becomes Christian? Now I'm saving Jewish people and Muslim people and like atheists. No, no, absolutely not. What I do that. Okay, what if you just help out Mexico?

Okay, if you're not going to take it seriously, Gabriel, just get out. Okay, yeah, you just help out Mexico? Okay, if you're not gonna take it seriously, Gabriel, just get out. Okay, yeah, sorry, stupid. Okay, yeah, do the shock attack thing. Great, great, charge attack. And then we deal with climate change, yeah? Clamp's the carbon dioxide. Okay.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with everybody chilling in Bethany's room, waiting for her to wake up. Yeah, and she wakes up and first thing she does, she's like, I'm gonna touch the stump. And if it's a don't touch it, she touches it. It hurts.

Yep, yep. And the good news is she wasn't like good at ukulele anyway. Yeah. Well, and she built on that missionary trip, so deserves it. Right, exactly. It could hurt. So yeah, everybody's dad runs every day, like, you know, she says, Oh, it hurts.

And he sends one son off to get the doctor. And she's like, up thirsty. He sends another son off to get a drink or whatever. And then he starts crying. And she's like, there don't be a whiny bitch about it. Okay. It's just, it's right. Like that's her fucking reaction is, come on, man, man up. Okay. And Dennis Quaid trying to cry act.

He was having there. He did a lot of smiling. He did like Joker smiling. What the fuck would you do it? Yeah, there was definitely some Joker smiles going on there. There's this weird moment with K-sorbs. Like I feel like this was like a Vin Diesel contract moment where like he comes in and everybody starts talking about how heroic he is. Yeah, thanks for saving me and he's like, no, she kept me calm. He's like, yes, she kept you calm by swimming herself back to show while you left her. Right.

That's how she kept you calm by not involving you at all. I didn't want to put myself out. I knew I had a big drive coming up. Yeah. I didn't meet in a tent. I just circling back. Yeah, I feel like you should have helped me swim. So, no. So, and there was this weird moment though too, where like she's like,

oh, thank you so much for saving me. And then he has the, you know, he's got to put it back on her, but he has nothing to say. So he's like, yeah, you know, I got to, you are very good at getting your arm eaten by your shark. As it turns out, much better than most. And then, Dr. Coach Cragtee Nelson comes back in your arm eaten by your shark as it turns out much better than most. And then Dr. Coach Craig T Nelson comes back in to be ridiculous again. He's the worst goddamn doctor.

Right. I love it. I love it. He comes in and he's like, I heard you're feeling some discomfort. And Beth and he's like, yeah, yeah, my shark bite is discomforting. That's how he's grabbing it. That's good. That's good.

And then he's like, all right. So let's talk about being one armed. It's like half what you're using. Something like that mathematically. Doesn't it seem like that's a speech for tomorrow? The next day, I don't know. Yeah, I love this doctor so much because he, because even when he comes in, he's like, hey, how's my favorite patient? And I really wanted to be like, no, I mean, your dad, like the stuff he did on the run aesthetic was hilarious. I'm really talking about that for didn't even know his ass was hanging out of the cut. That looks great. It was great. It's got nice ass. And the doctor also says to, you know, of course, you're feeling bad,

you know, not to mention you've lost 60% of your blood and also 30% of your arms. Yeah. Right, when she says, you know, know, it's a lot of pain. He's basically like, yeah, you know, your arm was ripped off by a shark. So it's going to be a lot of pain. Yeah. He's a great doctor. He also kisses her on the forehead at this. What is that?

That's a little creepy. That's so inappropriate. Huh. And as they walk out, he turns to the parents he goes she's a living Miracle Christian nailed it game Yeah, we got the Jesus money the living problem of evil right Yeah, exactly and just after he leaves the parents as well What I really want you see him walked on the corridor and I just wanted just sound guy in the background just put this in just him saying quietly to the patient Hey, how's my favorite patient?

It would have been such a lovely touch. All right, so that night she's laying there all bummed about being one arm. Dad's reading the Bible. Yeah, she's like, hey, dad, anything good in there about a shark attacking my arm in the Bible? No, nothing. Yeah, I love that. So yeah, I'd love for him to find a bit.

It's like, yeah, it says here that if your hand calls you to sin, cut it nothing. Yeah, I love that. So yeah, I'd love for him to find a bit. It's like, yeah, it says here that if your hand cause you to sin, cut it off. Oh, there you go. It does. Apparently, it is better for you to enter life, cripple the lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into eternal fire. So, you know, oh, there you go.

25% less chance of that happening to you, though. Right. Good thing it wasn't a whale or you'd still be in there, really. So yeah, and then he's like, how you feel? And she's like, oh, I'll purple lipped and pale. And he's like, mm-hmm, yeah, make a lady really over. Did it?

She's like, yeah, when can I surf again? Now I wrote act three in my notes. I underestimated this movie. It's act two, guys. This, this maybe has a few act threes, I think. It, it, it, it, it think it thinks it's got act three salted. And then it's like, oh, we've got like another 45 minutes to an hour of this. Should have. Yes.

For. We can't have a loser. Another limb. No, stupid. All right. So yeah. So dad and daughter, Christian Christianity for a little bit together. We get like some time later, she's in the hospital watching John Stoss will talk about her other news. Okay, but what's on the TV is the fucking best. Yeah. So she's getting talked about on the news and then she's like, all right, I'm going to change the channel.

Okay, more shark news. Fuck. Click. Jaws. All right, Jaws is on the second channel. I pick. Jaws two is on the other one. All right. Fuck click. Jaws. All right, Jaws is on the second channel. I pick fun. Jaws too is on the other one. All right. Fuck click. Now there's a shark delivering the news. What the

fuck is happening? And of course, this is all the setup for her friend, a lawn, the other surfer girl to show up. She hasn't been able to, you know, because she's still scared about the whole like day, the shark got in. She hasn't been able to, you know, because she's still scared about the whole like day of the shortcut. And she hasn't been able to show up since then since Bethany woke up. So this is the first meeting between the two of them. But it's been days, right? This isn't weeks. This is month. It's been days. It's not that odd that she hasn't been doing the first cup of it is. No, it's weird that the movie

guilts her so much for it, right? Yeah. Because the other thing they to talk about is that rip coal shoot and how she's not going to do it anymore. Because the other thing they talk about is that rip curl shoot and how she's not going to do it anymore. It's like what they really, the sponsors called you up days after a traumatizing sharkance and we're like, look guys, it's now or never. We can't wait for a longer. It's got a, I know it's been 48 hours since you're out of the sense of friend lost an arm, but clocks are ticking. It's been 48 fucking hours, though. And like this is where I really, so this was the first moment in the movie where they had a golden opportunity for some truly human dialogue between these two friends that went through

this trauma and they had absolutely nothing. That's what I really recognize just how like, there's not a lot of God, but there's plenty of awful in this one. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of the friends just like, oh yeah, no, I've been doing all right. Myself been home, you know, using my arm. Sorry. Yeah. Okay. So, but she gives fucking a lot of permission to do the rip curl shoot without her. Yeah. I really wanted rip curl to make her do a shock theme suit. She was just a capitalize on the news. You know, it's typical. Yeah, they obviously they would have done that. Why would Ripkel not use the shark tech girl at that point?

Oh, 100%. 100%. I'm sure they wanted to and she didn't want to do it. I would imagine that that's sort of how they play it later. But yeah. So she gets discharged from the hospital. Mom's driving her home. she's thinking about surfing. And of course, all of her friends have put welcome home surfboards on the road on their drive for her drive home because everyone communicates exclusively and surfing in this world.

Oh, and then of course, they get home, but there are reporters all over their yard. They can't even get in their driveway. Fuck you, this did not happen. So on this, I'm not an expert, but you see the field reporters stood in front of the camera with a little microphone with a round fuzzy thing on top doing this all day.

And now today, Jim, we're here at the home of Sonsal, when there are multiple reporters doing that, did they stand in each other's shot? Because they are standing so close together that they're definitely appearing in each other's shot. And they're appearing on each other's mic as well. Like just move along the drive a little bit. Give yourself some space. Or I don't know, make it a competition, make it like a certain competition. You block

each other. Right. Yeah. You're going to race the camera. Yeah. There's one camera. You race to it. Who would have guessed that? Or they come in waves. The cameras come in waves. Yeah. So yeah, but this is so that dad can be actiony and cool. Right? He gets in the van and like speeds away and knocks down the bushes and drives around to the back of the house. The reporters will never think of that. Yeah, no. What was the strategy behind that?

Because like he gets in the car as if he's going to run over all the press. Yeah, that's what I thought. This is interesting. Yeah, because he makes such a big thing about it as well. It's like, because he moves Helen, oh, it's like, come on, get out the way. This needs a man to drive this. So she has to like, scooch into the middle

where she'd be like sat on the geistic or something like that. Where she certainly wouldn't have a fucking seatbelt. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then all he does is kind of like, drive around the back of the house through a bush. Brilliant. And then she's really impressed.

She's like, I had no idea. You could drive like that. It's like, drive like what? He drove straight in a straight line. Through a bush. You didn't need a drive in a straight line. I mean, maybe, maybe you're saying more about Dennis Quaid than we thought you were actually saying, wow, you can drive in a straight line. Well done, Dennis. Yeah, right. See, if you like hit the noss and he like drifted from the. Yeah, right. Now it's exciting. That would be, yeah, still stupid. Okay. But exciting. So we get this amazing

fuck it. So she's back home from the hospital for the first time, the invasive reporters are on the lawn. The awesome fucking dog comes and sniffs that are her missing arm. Oh, and she likes the stump. I'm so sorry. It's her actual dog. It's real Hamilton family dog. Yep. Yep. And it is a sharp.. Like I said, I got that rogue, my vet. I thought sharp head was a little or so. Yeah. But so they have to go through this whole like, wow, it sure is hard only having one arm seen with her.

So they keep having her trying to do shit that, oh, you sure needed two arms for that. But it inadvertently makes her entire family have to be a bunch of assholes that won't just be like, why don't you sit down? I'll make you a fucking sandwich. Well, yeah, they're assholes, but she's ridiculous too. She's like, okay, I'm home, I got one arm, I'm going to do some sharp knife cutting with that giant knife. And they're like, no, no, don't, okay.

Let me start off with tomato chopping. Yes. I then to give it a ham to open and she goes for a kind of hold the packet to the counter using your boobs tactic, which was innovative. It was it was bold, but that doesn't work. No. And then they're like, why don't you get some bread? And I'm like, how about what are you sit down and I'm making a fucking same way? I want them to be like, um, ketchup. His ketchup squirted. Anything. It's a one hand.

It's fine. Just whatirt on whatever. It doesn't matter. But no, they finally get her to leave the kitchen and she goes straight to her room and she's like, okay, you can layly is good for one. Oh, god damn. No, it's too, too hand or a buck. Just before they leave the kitchen as well, there's a really underrated line in the background where the younger brother opens on the cupboards and says, where's my spam? Because she's given all of the spam away and I thought, oh, that's great. And I thought, you know, I guarantee Heath has asked that question on at least one occasion. Okay, I'd never get into a position where I didn't know where my spam was. Oh, yeah. It doesn't mean that's just that.

What are you fucking kidding me? So finally, they sort of all the same much stuff out. They're all sitting there eating, and Dad starts to explain that inside addition has offered to buy Bethany a prosthetic arm provided that she will do an interview wearing it afterwards, which is kind of weird, but sure. Right, and there may not be the bad guys here, I think, inside addition for like capitalizing on the story inside of a movie that capitalizes on the story inside of a movie that capitalized

on the story of the story. Yes, yes, mom has this big long speech about how well that would just be exploitative. And I'm like, Helen, we know you're an actor. I'm going to angry one. Also, like the mom is only suspicious. Like she's only only upset when it turns out the doctor's got to do an interview with the arm. So, oh yeah, the TV documentary is just going to give my daughter an arm.

That seems reasonable. Oh, and they want to talk to her as well. Well, this is now a fuck. I'm not going to know why they do that. Give it to the aunt for nothing, but come on. Yeah. Oh, and then there's this great moment where they haven't started eating yet because they have to say grace and

They first normally that involves everybody joining hands and her brother sitting right next to her and he reaches out She doesn't have a hand obviously and he just doesn't he just Just blanks for like a solid 30 seconds to stump asshole It makes me think when they wrote the film they they wrote that moment being like, Oh, he reaches out and there's no hand there. But then they didn't write anything for him to do when he realizes no hand there. And so he's just like, line. Right.

Right. Right arm green, everybody. We're doing twist the grace. Let's go. So and then the fucking B.O. remembers it was supposed to be narrating. So we get this quick like, you know, having just one arm sure is tough montage. And I would have been like, obviously again, we're making jokes about this. This is a real thing and it obviously was really tough and there are things I don't

want to be too flippant about it. But yeah, we watch how she can't put her hair up, can't tire bathing suit, can't buy her own apples anymore, you know, all that stuff. Yeah. And the spirit of this voice over like the first line of is every day of my life as far back as I can remember. And the spirit of what we're seeing is I expected it to say, you know, it's five back as a car remember I had two arms. That's what was coming from the way that they're playing that line. Right. Right. But now she's living in like infomercial universe for the stomp extender

and like, you know, anything. Right. All's are flying everywhere. Well, okay. So she's walking out of the store after buying the apples and the paper bag tears. And I'm like, okay, but that like, that happens to people with any number of hours. I mean, like, yeah, five armed people are like, oh, the bag broke. Yeah. Like, it does. But it breaks as she's trying to put it in the basket of her bicycle to cycle home It's like she's been out of the hospital for a few weeks and you sent her on a bike to get groceries So you got a garden guy that you I saw your van mom Jesus Christ gets a chicken and whatever Bethany's awesome and everybody else is terrible

Yeah, absolutely Everyone in her life is awful. Yes, we know it's time to go back to Dr. Craig T. Nelson. So we go back to the hospital. It's time for her to get her bandages taken off. And we have the big stump reveal. He takes off the bandages and he's got to be, it doesn't have it. And he's like, that's a good looking stump. What would you say is a bad looking stump? Right. Yeah.

Where does this fall on your stump scale? And they do CGI out her arm and this might be the least valuable use of CGI since they got rid of Henry Cavill's mustache. Yeah. So and so she looks at the stump in the mirror and she's just like, I can take it. And honestly, that's a big problem with the writing in this movie is that I'm sure that this girl was super tough and everything and had a can do attitude about it and whatever. And that's, that's very impressive.

But by writing the character like that in the movie, we're basically cheated out of any opportunity to really explore the emotional told that this would have taken on her, right? Yeah. Because every time we see her, she's basically like, I can do it. And that's it. Yeah. I think she wanted it to be a story like that, and then they made it into a Christian movie

and they were like, well, we can't have any emotional nuance to this at all. Absolutely. Could have been. Yeah, so because of that, the proxy we get is everybody else learning to cope with it, but that just makes them look like massive, massive, like, assholes, where she's like, no, I'm getting binds.

Oh, no, you're deformed for life. I can't let it go into life for life. So, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm getting bines. Oh no, you're deformed for life. I think I'm all right. I'll be fine. I'm doing all right. I can ride. I can already ride a bike. It's been a fortnight since I lost my mom. Yeah, right. I'm already riding a bike that has two sets of breaks on it. So I'm already thinking I either only need to break very sharply or only to break very casually. And I've got to make that decision up front before I leave that. Yeah, right. Oh, before ahead.

Yeah. Every time she breaks the bike, it goes in a circle. Yeah. And the thing is, so Helen Hunt, when she does this kind of breaking down, I can't cope with it. She does it like crying onto Dennis Quid shoulder, but she does it outside. She has to run out of hospital and do it outside. And you can see the plants moving.

And you think that's not wind. That's the air from the chopper blades. But you know, because this scene was meant to take place indoors, but she just wouldn't be held back in the first of the night already walking to the chopper. You can get me on the way or you're not having the thing. This, this back story about how none makes me so happy. It's she hated them.

There's a point which made me even happier. Welcome to it. But it may be incredibly happy that I thought of this back story. I think I know exactly the point So all right, so then we're heading back to church so we can work carry underwood back into this But now I want to say carry underwood is a great singer. I'm sure or whatever But when it comes to acting she has a number of different nose wrinkles, right? Like she crinkles her nose in various ways to signal different emotions

and that's the extent of it. Okay. Multi-dimensional actor. Yes, thank you. Exactly. It's like the Samantha from a witch approach to magic, but for acting. All right, exactly.

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I'm acting. Yeah. So Bethany meets up with Carrie Underwood, the youth pastor, and Carrie Underwood says, I was praying for you every minute. And I wanted Bethany to be like, you mean after the attack? So,

because you obviously weren't before. Yeah, yeah, after the attack, after I was hoping you wouldn't specify how that worked. You didn't sleep, you were praying every minute. I don't believe. Hold on, is this like how a walnut looks like balls from up close? Yeah.

I don't know. It's like, you do like that. It is. balls from up close? Yeah. I'm not saying it is. It is. I think this isn't even problem of evil stuff. This is a problem of not giving up your new job to do missionary work stuff. Right. That's what the problem is. We're dealing with here.

But I really wanted Carrie under to be like, hey, can I take a photo or close up of your stump because that'll really spice up radnight. Because this thing could really do the little something. But I love to, this is like, she's like, at this point, this is one of the first times that the Bethany character expresses any emotion. She's like, you know, how could a loving God possibly do this to me? And carry to her credit starts off with no fucking clue. But then she says, and I quote, I really believe something

good is going to come out of this. And I'm like, okay, but it has to be better than having two arms, right? But to make any sense, you know, the box office on fireproof was really good. I think something good is to come out of this. All right. Oh, and then we get the the fucking, the revenge scene, right? Oh, yeah. This is really so good. So the families at home that night, they get a phone call, the brother answers the phone, right?

And he's like, Dad, we have to walk into the next scene, but with the camera facing us, so that no one can tell what we're looking at for an innordantly long time. And it's, it's that they, they got a vigilante militia to go out and get revenge on the shark. And we see, they've sort of linched the shark. Yes, they've just hit shark. And then Dennis Quaid checks the shark's mouth against the board, the surfboard that has the bite taken out of it, like Cinderella's fucking slippers, something. And in case you didn't even know that's what was happening, you've got surfing legend Ben Aiba, who apparently led the lynch mob against the shark, who when when Dennis great holds the board up, he's like, you see, that's a perfect fit, bro. So yes, we got it. It's like CSI Hawaii. It's amazing. Okay. So what made them think it

was the right shark up until that moment? They've been bringing every shark to Dennis quaint. Oh, this is like a lineup alone with each of just sharks dangling from trees. That really strange fruit. Fucking api in way of sharks all over a wall who are some. Yeah. So did they get the old professional cert like were they catching sharks via surfing? That's what we're doing.

Oh, maybe the use of his base. Oh, there you go. There you go. Yeah, you need somebody who can surf fast again. Then we're going to pour chum all over you. You go out there, you lure them

to land. They a lot of them will go on land for like 20 or something. Yeah. The blood. And there's no point to like, I thought, are you guys going to open them up and go after the arm or something? Like, what? Why would you keep, you know, but at any rate? So yeah, so they got revenge on this word damn shrek. And look, again, the shark didn't even go after any other limbs. It obviously didn't even like it. Anyone.

So then we get a lon at her rip-curve photo shoot. And so we haven't mentioned this to this point, but a ton of this movie is just an excuse to watch young girls in bikinis the whole time, right? Especially an excuse for Christians to do that. Yes, yes. Absolutely. And that's all this, the only purpose of this scene, I think. Right. I mean, we watch Bethany look jealously on and everything, but we get plenty of that elsewhere. Yeah. I mean, obviously this ribco shoot, I just kept

thinking to myself, they make so much more money if they featured the really famous girl, Bethany in the ads. They get so so much social poodles. It would be the small move on every level. Yeah. Well, they even bring that up in the scene. They're like, you know, you should be out there with her. And she's like, oh, I'm not ready for that yet. Which sort of undercuts what they're trying to play this as is of her being jealous of her friend's ability to do. Right. But she gives it like the speech from Ryu at the end of Street Fighter. He's like, no, ceremony means nothing to me. I'm gonna see him in the next round. I'm just gonna go back and say, all right, relax. Go do dragon punches in a waterfall.

Yeah, right. Ashton. You can do that one armed. There you go. Yeah. And then, okay, so then we get to see where she's like cook and breakfast for the family. We see that she's like learning how to,

how to deal with chopping and whatnot. Why is she doing this? Immediately we cut to her chopping vegetables with her feet to hold them. Yeah, hold their giant sword instead of a regular small bearing knife. And apparently the real Bethany did actually do this apparently. Yeah. Something the real Bethany would do. But I watched it it thought one this is 100% how you lose at all Oh, you know what they say dismember me once shame on me if she walks into the family after this and is like

I had to chop my foot off with the knife. That's kind of funny right? No, it's I'm tired with the shark if you think about it. Yeah, also she's she's made breakfast right and the breakfast is half an orange Marinated in her feet and then covered in flow bits because she drops it all the love you know so bon appétit. But then she says also homemade banana bread I said did did she make banana bread? Because where's that? Do they do insulated oven socks? Is that a thing? How does she even the banana up in the air slices it 100 times when all the other yeah right. All right, so she comes out to serve everybody breakfast and they're like what's the occasion? She's like I'm ready to surf again and everybody's

like wow, we really figured that would be an act three, but we're going to do that now, huh? Okay. So the whole family heads out to surfing. We have a whole like, can she do it? She's so determined, kind of a sequence. Yeah. Dad gives her some advice again. He's like, try using your arms arm. Do you do it with your arms? He's like, thanks, Dad. Yeah. Got it. Arm cool. Yeah. His advice is, what you should try and do is, is, is balance rather than trying not to balance, you should be trying to balance. Yeah.

Wait, sorry, Dad, will you repeat it? Did you say balance or don't? Did you say don't balance? And also, of course, we have to go one family member at a time, tellin' her, it's okay, you can give up now. It would be a perfect time for you to quit, you know, and so that. Yeah. This would have been a perfect time for a shark to take the other arm.

Like that was I was genuinely enjoyed this movie. It was like, oh, yep, that was definitely too early. Shark loves to smell the stump. I don't know. Yeah, I had the same thing, but with a leg, but she gets up and she serves. It's like, yeah, you know, this is a perfect time for the movie to quit. This is the end of the film.

Yes, like she she's got back on the board. Brilliant. There's our Castro music. The strings play it up. Amazing. Yeah. The dog runs in. He's like, oh, we're doing a cute scene with dog surfing at the end.

No, no, no, no, no. You guys are all right. But how much more do you have in the script, guys? Jesus Christ. Yeah, but so she manages to surf and everybody's like, all right, we got that out of your system. She's like, nope, I'm'm gonna surf in the regional competition after all So that's apparently the plot or at least the plot of the remainder of act two

But first we have to head over to a Hawaiian Thanksgiving I have to point this out. We see a juggler as we pan over this and I since Angela went to the whole trouble of making a bingo square for it, I have to like bitch about his technique, but he had people on both sides of him. He was kind of tight sitting down. This is really the best you could hope the guy would do. So he was, you know what's a dick move? Having a jugular for the one arm girl for his trip. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's right in her face. He's really rubbing it in. Yeah. That's what you should create yourself. You can do two, two for one. You can do two hand two. And when I actually met I won't had a chocolate, it was very good. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So, but Dennis Quay is going to give a big speech about how he loves his children no matter

how many arms they have. Right. It's pretty funny. He's like everybody. Everybody, I just like to give a speech where we're very blessed. Stay with me. Stay with me. We're blessed. I know what you think. But yeah, something. What they see is, you know, we're blessed to be spending another Thanksgiving with our daughter. Well, 86% of our daughter. Yes, like if you look at all of our collective limbs and you divide it by the total number of the very few of them have been eaten by sharks. We're blessed. We're blessed. And of course, we have to have the scene with every time K-Storm shows up in this movie, everybody's just like, you were so heroic and you had such rippling muscles.

He's like, yeah, I did have some pretty rippling muscles. He has the whole like, oh, I just, I wish that I could have done more. And I'm like, what more, rip the arm back out of the shark's mouth. I mean, that's good. You know, I didn't beat up a shark. I didn't get a chance to, because I was helping every swim in by saying swim in. Right. Right. I was going to direct in retrospect.

I should have beat up the shark. Yeah. That's. All right. So then we get the unveiling of her prosthetic arm, right? And this is so fucked up. I can't imagine this is how this really went down. They have inside editions filmed through there filming her

trying it on for the first fucking time. Yeah, it seems like you, you know, maybe do a dress rehearsal or whatever. Yeah, I think maybe they did. And maybe you don't have the guy who's hosting it be the weirdly oddly smarmyest, creepiest guy you can possibly find. I don't know what Tony's going for, but it's so smarmy. Yeah, she's trying on. She starts like trying to pick something up or whatever. And he's like, sorry, ooh, that is not a weight bearing arm. It's not a weight bearing arm. What the fuck is it do? Right. Yeah. Otherwise, it's just hanging there. Why the fuck the fuck is it do? Right, yeah. Otherwise it's just hanging there.

Why the fuck would you want it then? But isn't that what a prosthetic would be? It's not plumbed into her. She just abstracted on it. Stop plumbed into her nerves. It doesn't like moving in because she's surprised that she can't use it to lift a surfboard. It's like, what did they tell you you were getting? Exactly.

Exactly. Tony Stark promised me this is gonna be way more badass Yeah, in fairness in my head it was gonna be like more like an iron man thing By not Garmin my head Give me that thing Bucky had assholes, what are you exactly? Give me the what condoms, but yeah, no, but that arm isn't good enough for her damn it The dog doesn't like it the dog can tell that's a shitty Tax it That arm isn't good enough for her dammit. The dog doesn't like it. The dog can tell that's a shitty arm. He attacks it.

That's a little orange. Ginger's the bad. Ginger's the name of this dog. I was constantly charmed by the dog. I love that that's not the actual name of the dog. The dog's real name is some Hawaiian thing, but they changed it to ginger. This movie's been a white wash.

I shouldn't name it. What? That's such a dick move. Really? I changed the name of the dog. Yes. Fuck everybody. I hate this so much more now. I don't understand why you do that. Because surely the dog is going to be less good at acting if it's having to respond to a name. Yes, right. Right. His name as well. Right. So, okay. So she runs off to her room. She's very upset about there. She runs off to her room, breaks the arm off of her room. She's very upset about there. She runs off to her room breaks the arm off of her Barbie doll

Right, I like that. I thought that was nice. Oh sure sure And then I was like stop sucking me in she's a great character. I don't like this. All right everybody else sucks fine She says as well. I don't need that I'm to serve is that no you don't it's it wasn't for the surface It wasn't that to aid your surface. No, it was for like other the social situations and stuff like that Yeah, it was never there for the surfing. Yeah, right. But, and of course, this is the scene where mom like Google's Venus to Milo and and shows her sea are lack of arms can be beautiful. Oh, yeah. Right. The whole point is like Bethany's kind of down in the down she's like, guys want normal and mom's supposed to be like giving the counterpoint to that. But fun fact, Bethany, guys have literally no preference

about arm number. If I'm just like, maybe I'm just going for me, but I feel like in general, like zero might even be preferred by a lot of guys. I think we're fine with any. If you're attractive to us, it's not because of a arm number. Yeah, it's often, when you fill in online dating profiles,

it's often there isn't a criteria that to specify. Right, exactly. There's not even a criteria there to specify it. Right. Exactly. There's not even a place to put the number of arms that you have. I mean, if somebody put too armed on their dating profile, I'd be intrigued. I'd be intrigued. Yeah. That's really paving your resume by that point.

Skills juggling. Okay. Okay. So yeah. So mom shows her the venous to my allowance. So see, that's pretty and you have way more arms than that, bitch. Okay. So yeah. So mom shows her the venous to my law and says, see, that's pretty and you have way more arms than that bitch. And now she's no, what she says is she's got less arms than you. It's like, no, come on. She has fewer arms than you. What would

you rather be one armed or have irritating grammar? That's the choice that you can have in here. It's is, is mom going gonna like Google other famous one-on-people for inspiration. I'm gonna get like the killer from the fugitive. Yeah. Yeah. That drummer from Def Lappard. There you go. Absolutely.

So yeah, and now dad's gonna help her learn the one-armed surf with a quick montage. Yeah. So Bethany's like, all right, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna become professional surfer again. I'm gonna right back into it. And she says, I don't need easy. I just need possible because of the God thing from whatever they said before God. You can do anything as possible through God or something like that. So she says that. I just, I just, I don't need easy. I just need possible and dad's like, all right, well, don't miss a bad thing. You need possible

plus God. It was God and thing. Yeah, and God isn't possible. So that fucks it all. But I like the way they build this. My that's right. So she's gonna relearn to surf starting off on big ass surfboards and then going to like, successfully smaller boards. I did not understand that. I didn't understand initially when they showed us all the boards stuck in the sand getting in small like smaller smaller boards. I did not understand. I thought it was them visualizing a competition. So you can start at the the early round, which is a lot of people. Oh, right. The later I'm then at the end, there's very few people. That's what they were saying. I think it's easier

to catch a wave when you're a beginner with a long board. Yeah. And like the professionals go down to a shorter board because they can make like better cuts with it or something like that. Right. Yeah. That was not clear to me. That's not being clear during the montage, but to begin with, the thought, why are you visualizing a competition through the medium of defense? Yeah, but that was so that for those of us who can't tell goods serving from bad serving, you could tell, oh, she's she's getting better. The montage is proceeding. It's so come though. The montage, they're analyzing videos of her. So like she goes out and she's kind of rusty

or whatever, well, she's just one armed and they're analyzing the videos and they're like, okay, see, that time you fell down, right that down. You gotta still stand up. Okay. Dad, what did you say earlier? Did you say balance better or worse?

Better. Okay, right that one down to better, try better balance. Got it. And I love how the montage ends with her chopping bananas. And like as if to say like, oh, she's gotten pretty good at chopping now. Yeah, but the thing is bananas are one of the lowest preparation fruit imaginable. You don't want, you don't need, they're very easy to chop because they don't roll around like a tomato. But also you don't need to chop them.

Right. This chopping is just show-boughting. Right. Yeah. Just eat the banana hole. The traditional way of eating banana is not chopping. It would have been pretty funny if she was just eating a banana like unskinned, just like right into it as like a power move. That was just like.

All right. Well, she's learned to surf. So it looks like things are about to happen. They're not, but it kind of looks that way. So that makes this the perfect upbeat to take another break. But first, let me give actually the hard sell. Can Bethany still surf? Why wouldn't she be able to? Isn't surfing one of the better lost and armed kind of hobbies to have?

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You already did. Go. Stupid. So great to have you home from the hospital, honey. How you feeling? Not great if I'm being honest because of the missing arm. Miss missing arm. Yeah, that's the factor. Anyway, I'm going to finally dice these tomatoes with a meat cleaver. Hey, hey, hey, I'm just gonna take that cleaver away. Let me take care of those tomatoes.

Weird that we even have to cleaver out. Yeah, that is weird. Okay, thanks, Timmy. I guess I'll just fire up the bandsaw and cut some round edges into these two by force by eye. Ha ha, nope, nope. Also do not do that. Actually, I gotta put that bandsaw away. I don't know why I have that out. Hey, Bethany, maybe just relax for a little bit. Okay, I'm gonna go hang out in the backyard. Great, great, great. Yeah, that's good. Don't do any like, you know, arm stuff when you're out there. Fine, yeah. Fine. Okay. It just feels like you're all amped up when you're out there. Fine, fine.

Okay. It just feels like you're all amped up and you keep doing crazy arm stuff. I won't, I won't. Just gonna chill out. Okay, okay. Sounds good. I feel like she is gonna do arm stuff. Hey, honey, maybe don't use the chain and she's juggling the chain sauce. How is she gonna?

No idea. Fun fact, 2x4 is actually 1.5x3.5. Nerd! This is why nobody likes you. I'm gonna exploit your story for money. And we're back for still more of this shit and we're going to rejoin the action on the big regional competition where Bethany is ready to surf, damn it. Yeah, we also get for no reason.

There's like a TV and they're just playing the news for some reason on this beach. I have a television set up playing the news. I mean, is it for no reason? Well, yeah, okay. It's for the most ham-fisted thing ever. Reesy S-3. Sorry, Mr. Upper Bov, nothing on this news program that's playing at this surf competition on the

beach. There's lots of victims of a storm in Thailand. I'm Anderson Cooper. And that was the foreshadowing segment. Yes. Thank you. Had to place this in time. It was right after the big tsunami.

And the way they did that is out. She's walking out to work out. But this should she runs across her church's booth raising money for the tsunami. So stupid. And the thing is it's like, look, they're going to be organizing a trip to help these kids in Thailand and Bethany, if she invites you, maybe go this time, you're running short on limbs. Yeah, right.

Exactly. Exactly. The chopping is even harder after that. So and then Alana and Melina get there and start talking shit. And I'm like, wait a commit to the rivalry. She loses a fucking arm. And Melina is still talking shit on it. Okay. All right.

I love this. This movie thinks Malina is the bad guy still. So how is Malina still the bad guy? She's only raised once. You know, didn't even win that race. You saw her. And since then, there's been a shark attack and somehow Malina is still the bad guy here. What I love to that they come up and they're like, hey, Bethany, the judges just offered to

give you a five minute head start because, you know, your arm thing. And she's like, no, I don't need your pity. And I'm just like, well, good because that would be fucking weird. I get, I don't know if I understand the scoring, but that's just fucking weird. No, but the thing is with that, because you turn it out, I don't need that. You don't need to make any special allowances for me. I just will get on with it. Nobody needs to make special allowance, which is the message here is that we shouldn't

make extra allowances for people with disabilities. They should just suck it up and overcome because the world needs its inspiration, Pawn. And you're right. Yeah, exactly. But so what we get them out there paddling along are Molina steals Bethany's wave Well, yeah Molina's about to cut her off, but then a Lana throws a block. Yes, and blocks Molina from blocking Bethany and I gotta see like full contact surfing sounds great

Yeah, that's a fucking sport. I think the blocking is real, but I don't think you're allowed to have like tag team stuff where like your buddy is blocking people for you. I don't think you're allowed to tackle. This whole scene I just wrote, I don't understand this spot. Well, enough to comment on the entirety of this scene. But then seconds later, Bethany broke a board. I was like, Oh, no, I can constantly say that's bad. She brings it to the whole company, say that's bad. Backable. Yeah, yeah.

Bathedies board breaks, so she can't keep going. She just couldn't handle those great big waves. And she's also very upset with Alana for tackling her nemesis. She's like, no, I want to beat her. Like, it's surfing. I mean, I could have tackled her. That doesn't require two hours.

Did we discuss that tackle beforehand? I feel like we didn't know you make me. Yeah, but she didn't do very well and and Malena won and she's very upset. The news is harassing her even more again, like trying to play up this whole and she needs her privacy in a movie about her. Doesn't really get a rings hollow to me. If the next like half hour was just a movie about Molina being awesome, that would be good. Yeah, no, it'd be, it'd be perfect. I'd watch that film.

Yeah, when Bethany Sheets, she's ready to give up damage. So she marches to her car and there's a couple little girls that want her autograph, but instead of giving them her autograph, she gives them all of her surfboards because she's through with surfing. Or is she? Right. And there's no way those kids should accept those bolts. No way those kids.

Those kids are being dicks by like accepting like a 200 pound tuna dollop surfboard. Yeah. Right. No, and I love the way because it's so clearly obvious. She's like, I'm sick and tired of this and they're like, can we have your honor? I'm just like, I'll do you one better than that. She's all angry and something. You don't take something. Somebody gets you in that situation. And also her whole family is just standing around and nobody's like, I can't just hold on. Hold on.

You can be like a thousand dollars worth of surfboards here. This is this is not that you didn't buy. Yeah. Can we get a selfie? All right. Hashtag giving up. Yeah. Assaults. And then, okay. So then we get mom and dad arguing, like mom saying, you're pushing her too hard and does saying you're not pushing her hard enough. And that's about as much as

this writer can handle. Yeah. And again, all the wind you can see going through hell and a hunts hair in this scene is all from her helicopter and stand by. They had to re-dub this scene because of the noise of the blade. She was like, she's just hanging from a rope from the next scene. I love too that they're like, they're right at, because like we get the scene of Bethany hearing them argue out the window or whatever is like, why would you go a little further from the fucking window? Well, closer to the helicopter, she wouldn't be able to hear you. I mean, come on.

But yeah, but Helen Hunt is basically telling Dennis Quaid that he can't regrow another arm with gumption and he's not so sure about that. Yeah, Bethany's like moping on the beach later and dad comes up. She's like, hey, didn't she say something about I can do all things with God or some bullshit in the book you're reading? He's like, uh, yup, I did say that. You're not dead. Yeah.

Yeah. She's like, all right. I'm moving the goalposts. I did not expect him to take the, you don't have it all that bad tech, but that's the one he goes. So God didn't kill you for not going to Mexico. So um, you welcome. I mean, if your could be worse is you're not dead.

You why does we'll give up that there's no pep talk here. Especially when you think dying equals going to heaven. Oh, yeah, absolutely. There's also this great, like terrible fucking dialogue. He's like, you know, you just have to listen and she says, listen for what, dad, and he says, for what comes next, that's honestly with all the screenwriters. Exactly. And go.

All right. So then we head to the airport where Kerry Underwood is getting all the kids together for another big mission trip. Yeah, not just the kids. She's also, she's got a lot of annals around her. And when we come to her, she's listing everything in this grown man's toiletry bag. Like did you bring your chaper? Did you bring your toothbrush?

Like he is in his 30s. You don't need to do it in future. For this man. We need to get a lot the future. For this man. We need the guy alone. He bring a juice box for the plane. Okay. But yeah, so Bethany shows up at an awareness.

He's like, hey, youth pastor, can I come on the mission at the last minute to fucking Thailand? Yeah, so that I can, you know, a tone for my arm since. Mind if I tag along to Thailand? I'll just turn up last second at the airport and you'll take the airport to Thailand. Yeah, this is post 9.11 and everything. Yeah, yeah, and that's fine. Yeah, I'm a 13 year old girl. I haven't told my parents. I'm going, I'm sure

this will be fine. Take me to Thailand. Yeah. Yeah. To carry on with like, yeah, yeah, we find there's a like a one arm thing for you. Yeah. So that we had to foot cat post tsunami. And that's the real reason Eli couldn't be here. By the way, he still hasn't recovered from learning that there's really a place called foot cat. Oh, and as we're setting the scene of them being in foot cat, we look up and there's a helicopter that is like, they have a helicopter.

I swear to God, I didn't set up this weird running gag just for this short of the helicopter, but there it is. It's got to make cargo box with Helen Hunt in it. Yeah, no, it's very clear. So yeah, so and then of course we have this like they're driving through Posunami and of course it's almost as if to say all right guys you spent a whole episode trying to you know work your way around Comedy about a one-armed girl. How about comedy about the tsunami? Yeah, they're, they're driving this bus through a Sarah McLaughlin commercial.

It's, yeah, absurd. And like, it just, it seems like the bus wouldn't drive through rubble. Like there'd be roads and there'd be rubble near them, maybe, but through. Yeah. There's a line in here as well where, you know, Bethany gets out and gets introduced.

And the lady they introduced to says, Oh, you're Bethany. I've heard a lot about you. I said, have you? We didn't know she was coming until she got to the airport. So I'm told you about that. And then I realized, Oh, carry under would spend the whole time in Mexico bitching about the fact that Bethany ditched them. Oh, right. I heard a lot about that.

She gets attacked by a shark, whatever. Yeah. But of course, the reason that we're lingering so much on the poverty and the disaster is so that we can, like, so that she can so obviously have the, oh, wow, this may only have in one arm in a rich country seem pretty okay, you know, oh, absolutely. This is the message here is put your woes completely into perspective with some good, old fashioned white person volunteerism. Yep. Yes, exactly. Right, because then like they get there and they just start like fire brigadeing bags of rice and I'm like, really, this is what you guys came for.

I feel like any of these guys standing around could have done that. I just wanted Melina to turn up and absolutely crush her, passing those bags along, like just so much better there, passing bags. an absolutely crush out of passing those bags along. It's like, just so much better than passing bags. It starts intercepting her bag. Passing them over top over. Okay, she's surfing a bag now. That's impressive. So, okay, yes.

So then, Bethany's helping at the medical tent when this old injured lady starts telling her tsunami story. And she might as well say, oh, I lost so much more than just an arm that day, you know, but it's almost like Bethany was zoomed in on testicles, but now she's zoomed out and sees a walnut. Jesus. But why why in the context, why are they making this traumatized Thai lady teach each white girl she meets her life story.

You know, right. This is what she's doing here. And honestly, on the plus side of it, the smug volunteer isn't that we're seeing here. The white savior stuff makes me feel a lot better about taking the piss out of this film about a real life story about a girl who lost an arm. This really helped me get back into the zone. I mean, there is that. But also at the same time, there's this woman talking about the devastating loss of life, like the historic loss of life, and I'm looking for a comedy in. So there's also that.

Okay, there is a comedy in here right now. You got to admit, right? So they start passing out bottles of water. And Beth and he's like, oh, is it safe to surf here now? Like, is the tsunami fully over? And the,, whatever the mission, some other missionaries like, yeah, you know, everyone's just scared a little bit. And then a little kid from Thailand comes up and immediate, this is what I was talking about. You beat it, you walk up and he's like, boop, I booped your stump. Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and this is of course the kid who hasn't spoken since the day of the tsunami. I have him down as tiny Tim, but I never been sad or that this was not a written medium

that we did. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And then she fucking heals everyone through the power of surfing. This is ridiculous. This is ugly ridiculous because she says like, well, why doesn't he want to go swimming? Is that because one, all of his family just drowned in a massive wave and two, he's about four.

You don't have four year olds for swimming by themselves. Stop trying to get little children drowned. Listen, the whole village was destroyed, but now is the white girl with a little kid for your own in the water, fixed it. Yeah, power of surfing. And she gets in the water, fixed it. Yeah, power of surfing. And she gets in the water. And I wrote, yeah, okay, I take it back.

Now would be objective. It'd be the funniest time for a second shock. Yes, no, you're right. You're right, actually. So yeah, she teaches the kid out of surf in the sense that he sits on her surfboard and she pushes him back and forth. And everybody on the shore claps and then all the kids rush out to play in the water because they're not scared anymore because of her coccacity.

I don't. And they all, they all spontaneously clap for her. Have either of you guys ever spontaneously clap for anything that wasn't alive entertainer? Oh no, I'm pretty used to that's way too much emotion. Right, yeah, no you. I actually like to do that at the end of a Christian movie when we're in the theater. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I've seen you do that.

And every single time I've done that, the audience does it. Yes, they're already getting up again. They're stuff and everything will sit back down. We all feel guilty there. This would be. They'll sit back down and do it. They all feel guilty. They're like, I'm just going to stop. This would be anti-Jesus if we don't do it. So, and this is where Bethy's video kicks in. She talks about God and how like, you know, her surfing power has washed away all their fear.

They miss an obvious baptism reference here or something. But anyway, she's, she's all fixed now. And so is Thailand, actually, that everybody is fixed. So she heads home and DM, if she doesn't have a whole fucking table covered in fan mail when she gets there, she's inspired the whole world. So this is super weird, because first of all, she gets back, she's like, hey, I'm back from my last minute and announced trip to a natural disaster zone. And the response from her brother is, how was your trip? And she says, great, great, great is a very weird way to describe

your humanitarian ambition. Oh, no, that was fantastic. Yeah, it was such a lovely time. Honestly, amazing, lovely. But as you say, there's the room, the whole house is just filled with with fan mail. That her brothers have opened, which feels a bit intrusive that they're talking. But then I thought, no, actually, they're probably vetting that because 100%, there was some weird stuff in that. Yeah, you're right. They've done some good, yeah, they've done her favor. Yeah, good job, good job, brothers.

Yeah, exactly. Hey, Bethany, somebody sent you a copy of Farrell to arms. Oh, son. There you go. So yeah, so... He's coming away, right? But Helen Hunt explains, you know, she's like, why would people be such a fan of me if I'm a failure

and I can't even surf good anymore? And then Helen Hunt tells her about the power of trying her best. And now it makes sense to God would make a shark eat her arm a lot. Anyway, so yeah, but that's going to kick us into this. She's going to surf again moment montage, right? Where dad's going to teach her all about one arm surfing. He has a special one arm surfboard that he's made.

Oh, I love that because she's saying, I can't, I just can't do the thing without some way of controlling the board. And he goes, hold on, and he gets down this special board that he's made. And he, he's basically, he pulls out this new board like he's fucking cue from James Bond. Yeah. Now pay attention, Bethany. Just look around this area here. There's a handle for you to hold on to and I want to be like, and there's a secret button on the back of the camera. Yeah.

And I tranquilize a dart at the Lee. Sorry, Dad, what? There's a hand lay. What did you feel? You're a genius. And he literally says, I'm a genius, like 10 times here. And again, keep in mind that like this is based on a real guy who is probably there as they were writing. I mean, you know, he is involved in the writing of the book. And they also have this moment where like Helen Hunt has to be like, are you sure hanging handles off the surfboard isn't cheating? And they have to like actually grind the movie to a halt while they explain why that really

totally doesn't matter. And it doesn't. I mean, obviously it doesn't because, you know, like surfing is the part where you're standing up and your arms aren't really involved in it and everything. But I love the way the whole goddamn movie has to grind to a halt to answer that question. Yeah, it would have been better if he didn't get out the the the cold regulation book of the rule, she's not leaving it to rule seven paragraph B. Yeah. So she can surf on the thing. Now they have this dumbass moment where like she seems to like apparently run into her friend, Alana, because you know, they were both in the same ocean after all. Right. They were but also a Lana didn't go to Mexico didn't go to Thailand. Where's her shockwice? Right?

Right? She's an atheist, it's fine. She goes to hell with you. But apparently, their conflict vis-a-vis pushing Malinova is resolved so we can go straight into a one handed surfing montage. Honestly, it's an insult to this montage to call a surfing montage. There's sit-ups one armed pull ups, fucking roll a bowl apparently.

It's weird that they had sit ups because that's pretty much the same difficulty, right? Yeah, I feel like- I feel like- I feel like that's, yeah. It might be very slightly easier because you don't have the weight of your own to lift. Right, right, you're only 86% in there, yeah.

Yeah. And now, okay but but that ends that resolves with the national surfing championships, which means we're almost done with this episode. Everybody's like getting the autographs and snow cones and shit and the establishing shot. And then again, the movie grounds to a halt so they can explain the scoring to us. I'm like, yeah, movie 22 minutes left, including the credits. Perfect time to explain what the hell has been going on this whole time. Well, we cut from that to like, we get all of the named characters and stuff. You know,

everybody's there or watching at home, carry on to what is watching from home, nose crinkled nervously. Yeah, we also get Molina back here, right now. She's the best, but Bethany is gonna like passive aggressive Christian here. So she's like, Hey Molina, I really appreciate you being my rival. I love you, just like Christ loves you. And Molina's all rattled by that. Oh yeah.

100% million is head. It's absolute mind games. You love to see it. She's completely got to weaponize forgiveness, the Christian specialty. I was just furious because I was like, Malena's gonna lose here and I'm gonna be so goddamn angry. It is bullshit.

Malena's the better surf. Right. Yes. Absolutely. And then so dad has to give her some last minute advice. And it's such fucking Jedi bullshit, right? Where he's telling about commuting with the ocean and that she should be able to sense the best wave and she has a sixth sense about surfing.

I don't fucking know any. I don't think it's like, you know, when you're blind, you hear better. When you lose an arm, you sense a wave better. Right. Right. No, the right handed wave better. Right. I don't think that's like a big. Right handed, a wave feeling is doubled. Yeah. So yeah, but so the first heat is underway. We get some surfing, some clapping, some scoring, some Kevin Sorbo.

The Bethany sure does surf that wave. Good. Yeah. And again, we really do find out that surf and basically consists of kind of going up the wave a little bit and then kind of turn around and go down the way. When you get to the top, that's the key. You get up the top and then you turn and then you kind of come back down again. And that's that's what we see for a few minutes. Yeah, they give us the alleged

scoring system. So this is going to be like a 25 minute round, which is 23 minutes of sitting or paddling. I imagine if you have to watch it all, and they get scored on 10 waves, the surface in the competition, but they keep their best two waves for the final score. That's how you get your final. Yeah. So really, you just need two good waves, and then you sit there and you throw blocks. You block. Right. Yeah. Which is what Melina does. So yeah.

And now that by the way, so that's the final round, right? The first round's for 10 minute heats. And I, because I wrote my notes like, can you imagine you're all the way through all that he's fucking heats your finally to the end of the night. This was 25 minutes. Look, I would know off my own fucking armor. You kidding me? But yeah, but we get to the final alarm. I made it to the final Bethany and Malena are all there. And it's scored out of 10, right?

Because like Malena's first score is 9.25. Which is an incredible score presumably. I assume it's out of 10. And then, you know, the next one she does is a 9.5 out of 10. So she's one, she's definitely won this because out of 20 in total, she's got 18.75. Right, and you dropped 1.25 points. She's not losing, she's not coming down from that high. Absolutely. So she just needs to block for the rest of the thing. And then the movie was like, yeah, actually she is going to do that. Yeah, and I was like, yes, that's awesome.

Malim is going to use good strategy. This is fantastic. Right, but fucking Bethany is going to use even better strategy because yes, she's blocking her, but water allows you to go under it. So she goes underneath Malina does a fucking special move like a wave racer. Yeah, something like a days of thunder like she's going low. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And so she manages to catch up the best wave. And

she surfs it so act three-ishly that she earns a 9.7. I really wanted it to get an 8.5 for it, leaving her mathematically incapable. Oh, she got a really great score of 8.5. But 10. We're done here. Packed up and go home. She just swims back in. All right. Yep. That was it. But that's the thing, right?

So she needs two good waves. So she needs one last wave. And to get that, she needs to use her Jedi surf instincts. Yep. And I'm like, if she had Jedi surf instincts, she wouldn't have gotten her arm bitten off by a shark, guys. Let's be honest, okay? Right.

So stupid. So stupid. So there's the lineup. They're all floating there. And then Beth and he all of a sudden spider senses. She starts swimming out way far and they go weird direction. And the answers are like, why is Bethany going so far out of the lineup? That's crazy. So what's happening here is she's turning the test go into the wall, not just like in the Hermione. That's awesome. But Malena is just watching this happen. She should just go out and block regardless of whether she thinks the instinct is real. Just sit there and block better things to do. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. What else do we do block what else are you going to do? To bulb? Yeah, exactly. But just then the biggest wave of the day shows up and they have this moment where like can she get on the wave before the buzzer, but we don't know how this works. It turns out that you just have to be standing up

and on the wave before the buzzer and then all the stuff you do after that counts, but we don't know that. So I didn't know that. And you actually hear like a buzzer happen. I was like, okay, I think buzzer happened before she got into that wave. And I'm thinking to myself,

if she loses after a goddamn VAR, because being behind by two seconds, I'm gonna be so happy. And yes, that's what happened. That's exactly what happens. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Proper vehicle, incredible. But the thing is, she's out there, she's waiting for that big wave,

and then the biggest wave of the day comes. And I thought, is that massive wave gods reward for having gone to clean up the tsunami? That's in really poor taste. Right. Yeah. Come on, man. Come on. Now, if there was a giant wave and a shark riding it at the same time, there's a con. Oh, he gets a 9.8. Yeah. That'd be awesome. All right. So yeah, but her, her final wave doesn't count. And again, like, think about what a sour grapes moment this is because this is a true story. So what she's saying is like, and really, if you think about it, I should have won the other one.

I was up before that fucking buzzer and it made it all the way into her biography. Yeah. In reality, they know she was too late. They didn't even bother scoring it. It's like, no, no, it's fine. It doesn't. We're not even going to watch this because she's definitely too late. We'll just ignore it. It's like, no, no, it's fine. It doesn't, we're not even going to watch this because she's definitely too late. We'll just ignore it. Yeah. She might

as well give a big speech about how VAR is ruining the game and like. So yeah, but, but Bethany ultimately takes fifth place and Melina takes first, but Melina is so impressed with all her gums and that she lets Bethany join her on the podium. Melina is clearly the hero. Yes. Yes. 100%. Melina is the protagonist. Melina is clearly the hero. Yes. Yes. 100%. Melina is the protagonist. Best of surf at the entire time and a good person.

Well, I was gonna say that the movie seems to think that we've redeemed Melina. It's like Melina had nothing that she needed redeemed for her. She's just like the best surfer the whole time. And she's one. And she was super nice to Bethany at the end. Yeah, and Bethany asked me one point. So what am I supposed to do now? I'm kind of writing memoir and sell it as a Christian movie and make loads of money.

Probably. So yeah, well, so the press all shows up. Of course, everybody wants to talk to Beth and he and everything. And one of the reporters asks her, he says, this is so fucking weird. He's like, so if you could go back in time now and not have your arm bitten off, would you? Water weighed into me, question. And she says no fucking liar you fucking liar. We're not buying First of all, it's so stupid that he would ask it in the first place, but secondly the eclectic fucking answer is yes

What can answer is yes. Mm. But of course, no. She says actually now that I think about it, God really did me a big favor having a shark bite off my arms. So, you know, otherwise what would this movie even be about? So. It's like you could have given me like arm cancer and I could have had it like, you know, surgically removed in a much safer fashion and had the same effect.

Or a miraculously cured egg. Never mind. It's it's no lessons from God that involve my arm leaving. But I just felt really good to deserve for which I feel like I already was. Yeah. So yeah, so and that's it for that. She vios some more about more banal. I like surfing.

Shit, there's the whole like life is a lot like surfing. Sometimes she'll fall down, but then you're you get back up and you're not down anymore. That's literally the fucking analogy we end the movie on. Wallet testicle. Yeah, with faith, Christians, it's okay to watch this even though with all the bikinis, don't worry about it. Also we end with a literal rainbow over the water with the end is just the beginning. Yeah.

It's a fucking painful fucking painful. Oh, yeah, the credits kick in and we get some home movies that that underscore, by the way, the fact that this girl was 13 when this shit happened, like she's being played by like a 19 year old actress. So it really doesn't come across until the very end that just how young she was when this happened. So impressive. It really is like the beast will be super impressive. It really is like a little piece,

well to be super clear, like this is inspiration porn, yes, but it is a very inspiring story, like she's, she's, yeah, like the real person is incredible. The way the story told is kind of her, and therefore we should be able to do anything because if she can do it, but like the real person has done some really incredible stuff and is a genuinely impressive person.

Yeah, absolutely. And she, she threw out the first hitch at the Oakland A's game in 2000. And it was a good throw. She threw fucking striped. Yes, she nailed it. Yes, it was a good fucking throw and we see a surf and poppy right at the end. The whole fucking movie was right worth it for the surf. She might as well turn a double play like Jim Abbott.

She's so good. He's another one arm person. He's one arm pitchers. Really? I saw him turn it. Oh, fucking yeah. All right. So so Marsh easier or harder than making fun of a terrorist attack against an elementary school. This one. It definitely makes me want to question all the successive life choices I made to leave me to a point where that's a valid question.

Always glad to make our guests question their life choices. All right. So, Marce, thanks so much for hanging out with us today. Is there anything in particular you want to plug while we've got you here? Yeah, absolutely. You can always check out the Skeptic magazine where I'm publishing lots of interesting

skeptical stories on an almost daily basis. It's Skeptic.org.uk. We're doing some stuff that I'm really, really happy with, and really proud of, because I'm really fantastic writers. And also, we're going to be doing QED in February. So you can look out for more announcements about that and for tickets going on sale when we put tickets on sale, we're a little away away from that yet. But we're really looking forward to having everybody come back and celebrate being allowed to have 700 people in a room without killing everyone.

Again, we're really looking forward to being able to do that in February next year. Awesome. That's conference ever. Absolutely. Absolutely. The absolute best conference in all of skepticism and atheism. And we've been to basically all of them. So I think we say that with some experience. Whether it's like, or not, we're there. All right. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Soul Surfer. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back for next week. So he's tell us what's on deck. because we still need to lure you back for next week. So he's tell us what's on deck. Vindication episode one.

It's a Christian themed crime drama on Pure Flix. It's amazing. And we got Moishi back as a guest. Fuck yeah. We're excited. Awesome. Alright, so with Moishi to look forward to we're gonna bring up

episode three 11 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Michael Marshall for helping us out today. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go if you'd like to got yourself among there, actually make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a 5 star review and by sharing the show on all your

various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating a, the estate, and the D&D minus and the skeptic are available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or certain amount of suggestions you can give them on god often movies and gmail.com links services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P.N. Dr. Torres, Tim Robinson, takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotney, people who drew us on Mars, all of their music was written and performed by our audience, John Borden Clark, and was used

with permission. Thanks again for being able to see a check out our life this week for Heathen, right Neil, I'm Bob Znik, I'm an evolutionist, promised to work harder in another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Bethany's brothers never had the heart to admit what percentage of her family letters were from random men asking for more footage of her hunting food stuck with her feet. God, we're not on to keep doing a white hat shark.

Including the murder kind. Yeah, we're the more than you'd think. The shark's family overcame his brutal murder and his kids also went on to get inspirational shark awards. But you wish Daniela Rue had just lost a limb as a punishment for gold. Sorry, Daniela Rousseau will get a thousand emails. Oh, that's true. Daniela Rue was someone else. Okay, hang on.

Oh, that makes it even worse. That's gone. That would have been a way better for them all. I think Daniela Rue was the alter eagle of a drag act, I think. Oh, right now. And like the 1987s, 80s, I think so. We've been a very different tournament at the end, but what about the tournament? No, no, no, no.

Okay. All right, just get this in. I'm going to take a fucking go. I'm not in this. Do it. Tigger. Bolt. I'm actively hydrated. Took him on his head at time. I arrived having

eaten. I am medium hydrated like I'm supposed to be idiots. All right, here we go. Here's the little drink. And apologies for giving you the bulk of the copy and both of these, that's not a problem. I do, I do wonder how much American spend on toilet paper if they can buy a B day on what they don't spend on toilet paper in a couple of months. We use, we use a lot of shit written down. Yeah. A lot of shitting. I don't know if you saw the tweet about how the England could, how do you, you could

out drink America. We're the same way, but with shedding, right? Like we could, we could outshed a country with five times our population. You'd have to move the bar closure beyond midnight to even come close to it, whatever. No, it's ridiculous. I just wait that's going around. Anyway, so yeah, Ray Conrad. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2021.

All rights reserved. going around. Anyway, so yeah, Raycon. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021. All right, it's reserved.