God Awful Movies - 313: Only God Can

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Only God Can, the story of several actors reading from a script in front of a camera. Sorry, this one doesn't have enough plot to fill out a whole summary. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Well, and here's the fucked up thing too is that he says the pet but the you know I was expecting to get no kind of trouble But the pastor forgave me and I'm like he's not the one you stole the fucking candy Nice candy It is it is however the perfect metaphor for Christianity Right, it's obviously I harmed another person and I just don't want to feel bad about it And the pastor's like poof't want to feel bad about it and the bastard's like poof magic Don't feel bad about it. He's like, oh, yeah, I guess I guess that's much better now I guess I could just stop feeling bad about it

Not awful Movie Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? fucks up the adjr without great thanks. I have no illusions. He's gonna be unable to join us today, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. You unappreciated. Gem you. Thank you. Thank you. And also joining us tonight is just masochist carousant. It's great to have you back. It's been too long. you back. It's been too long. Too long. Too long. That's doing what you have to give for us now.

Okay. Continues behind scenes and puzzle of thunderstorm. So sad you guys. 2024. Just like a sniffly crying episode that we never explain. All right. So tell us, Kara, what will we be breaking down today? Oh, I don't even know what that was.

You guys somehow figure out each time to put me in more and more pain. Okay. So let's see, I didn't do any research on it because why would I waste any more of my life hours? The internet has nothing to say about this. Oh good. Yeah. There wasn't even a rotten tomato. There was like some other metric that I had never heard of when I googled it. Yeah. So you get just like rotten cum quads or something. It's like the generic version. I will tell you what Eli said it was, and which actually got me excited. And then I realized that he's a mean, mean liar pants.

He said, quote, it's called only God can. And it's about five girl besties. And they're quest to stop having jobs and lives and love Jesus. Okay. I think I nailed it. I think he pretty much nailed it. Yeah.

I mean, it's four of besties by the end, just spoil our fight. Jesus Christ. Like the original ads for South Park or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you've ever used the phrase me and my girls,

have a poem about family, crocheted somewhere in a frame in your house. And you'd like to speak to the manager. You will love this movie. If getting sent home for your skirt not being longer than your fingers when they're at your sides was a movie, it would be only God. Okay. So bad. All right. So now I will say though, this was bad in a delightful way, right? This

was disagree. Okay. All right. This was bad in as delightful away as any movie we ever reviewed. Yes. This is a contextual bad. Exactly. Rel was relatively sweet. All right, so is there anything we want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Well, yes. Okay. So my best worse, by the way, has to do with what I think this movie was actually about

and why it was actually so sinister and not at all out Eli. So sacrily described it. So for me, this movie was the best worst white supremacist tame the black savage movie. Yes. Dressed up as a playful romp about a girly weekend away. Oh, the casualness with which white supremacy permeates this fucking romp is terrifying. You never, if you've ever read like man in the high castle where you get like a glimpse of what TV's like when the Nazis win or whatever.

That this movie is like an alternate. It's a four minute clip from an alternate history. That's what's so fucked up about it. It's not even just the, the fact that there's so much white supremacy permeating the film. It's that they're so unaware of it. Yeah. Oh, oh, secondary. They, they like own it in a weird way.

Yeah. See, I think that they're fully aware of it. I thought that like at least one of the writers or, you know, the executive producer was like, hmm, I'm going to sneak this in there. Like to me, there were so many dog whistles in this movie. Okay. Yeah, no, there was definitely a punch it up with some more racism feels. Exactly.

Exactly. But bring it right up to the line so that most of the dumb people watching the movie won't be aware of. Right. That's the trick. Or so that you have plausible liability later. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. All right. So I was going to go with best worst use of a tourism bureau's money. Now, I don't know that the Charleston, South Carolina, tourism bureau paid any amount of money at all for this movie, but I feel like they had to because there are so many superfluous establishing shots of what a lovely city Charleston is. It's like a big city and a small town all it was. And like every time

we move from anywhere to anywhere, I could the whole fucking movie takes place in South Carolina, right? With the exception of one scene in Atlanta. So we have to keep, we keep showing like city establishing shots to remind us we're still in Charleston. And they also say the word, I feel like if we had the script in front of us and we control F. Yeah. The word Charleston would show up so many times, like it's so unnecessary to reference where you are that many times in a movie. Yeah. And last you're taking money from the tourism bureau.

Yeah. Yeah. I have a feeling that every small town has one movie that they just threw their way behind. I know Bingham Tins, like every small town gets together once a generation and they're like, do I mean, we're getting a hallmark right them that $1,200 check, Joe. It's been worth the 10 years of savings. And I was going to go with best worst alcoholism. Oh, yeah, yeah. Competition in this one. Yeah. Spoiler alert, this movie is about each of these five friends turning Christian or dead one by one.

Or both, or both. Yeah. Or both. Yeah. Hello. The final holdout is going to be what the makers of this movie thinking alcoholic is. And she might as well be shooting paint thinner into her veins. I found her level of drinking unbelievable and I just spent a week with Heath and Andrew rights. I really, I know. Yeah. To be fair, I think that she was the most delightful part of the whole.

Absolutely. Absolutely. She worked my heart. Yeah. Up until the last seven minutes when they fucked her character up by making her Christian. Yeah, she was great. I sneezed and forgot about that part. Okay, all right, yeah. All right, well, to do it, nothing happens in this movie, so we've got plenty of time for a break, but when we come back,

we'll dive into all the random backstory discussions that are only God can. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh, man, Cara, that smells amazing. Is that bacon? Not just any bacon, Noah.

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I'm so happy that I got minked. And you will be too. Here you go. Join the mink movement today. Go to minkbox.com slash awful right now and listeners to this show get free bacon for a year. That's one year of the best bacon you'll ever taste but for a limited time spelled m o i n k box dot com slash awful. That's point box dot com slash awful worth it, right? Oh sure worth it. All right gang. So I'm super excited to announce that we're going to be joined by actual

lady person Cara Santa Maria for our writers, meaning about our upcoming project, only God can't care. Thanks for coming for the record. I'm only here because someone I know spray painted, it's pronounced gif on the side of my car. And I need this gig to get it fixed. Yeah, whatever brings you on. So we want only God can't reflect the real experiences and struggles

of women. Yeah, like struggles of having an affair with a professor in China who turns out to be an international con man, what being black, falling in love with your hunky single pastor. I'm sorry. Did you just say that being black is a is a struggle that women face. What are the black ones do? Yeah, I sure did. Tell me. I'm sorry, what'd you say? Uh oh, I was, I was, No, no, no, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. That's perfect.

One of them will die. People come to Jesus all the time when people they care about die. Oh, that's true. They do, that's great work, Cara. I need a drink. And one of them will be an alcoholic too. This girl's unstoppable. I am so glad we hired you. I'm gonna kill Heath.

And we're back for the breakdown and in a foreboding preview of how bad the audio mixing is going to be in this movie. The music in the production logo clips. Okay. So most recently, I've had to watch these movies with these wireless headphones that attach to my TV because either my baby is asleep or my baby's in the room and I don't want to make supposed to Christian cinema. So I always have to run over to my computer and double check that the sound is really this bad and my headphones haven't killed themselves. But yeah, that had happened to me several times throughout watching this film.

Oh, I had to have the remote in my hand the whole time because it would vacillate between, you would have gotten like this later and you should have worth it because there's obviously quite a lot. And the loudest music cues you've ever heard in your life. I mean, it hurt my brain. The music was at 13, the dialogue was at four,

the sound effects were at nine, it was bizarre. And the dialogue was at four, when it was at its best. There were times when the dialogue was literally at zero. Yeah, yeah. Or like, there was something weird about how they tracked it. I don't know. Like sometimes the dialogue, yeah, not only could you not understand it, it's either because the data wasn't there or it was like tracked over itself. There's something odd. Yeah, there was like a like it sounded at the beginning in this very first scene with Coley that the left and right stereo tracks were off by a hundredth of a second.

It had that robotic weirdness. It was bizarre. Anyway, so we start off with my best words, seven hundred tourist bureau shots of beautiful Charles to South Carolina. And I just want to point this out because Charles is such an unremarkable city that there is no thing they can show, right? Like if you write most cities, you can say, oh, well, there's the Washington monument. Oh, well, there's the New York City skylight.

Oh, there's one of the many familiar landmarks in LA or whatever. But with Charleston, they have to show a sign that says, welcome to Charleston. Yeah. And they don't even have a good one of those. It's just the green and white sign by some shitty six-way line. the green and white sign by some shitty six way. Yeah, we've got two different shots of the Chipotle. Damn it, we lost that bidding word of Cudoba, but otherwise this bondage was perfect. Also, I want to point out that this movie will begin with the quote judge, not less, you

can be judged when the entire film is about being a judgey bitch to your friends until they become Christian. Absolutely. True. It's it's judge not what's the opposite of not. Yeah. Extra judge. Yes. Judge always.

So, okay, so we open up on this character, Cole, who is, I think all of our favorite. No, for sure. We've got the center of this. So Cole is radically over doing some invitations. Oh, yeah, she's spraying all of them with perfume. So this poor actress has sprayed now perfume a million times in this little tiny room. I can only imagine she's gagging in between every take.

It would smell so bad in there. Yeah. Also, can I just say it's a weird move to spray a party invitation with perfume. Like I get it for love letters or ransom notes when you want someone to really know you mean it. Party invitation, it's a weird move. It's true. Yeah, true.

So yeah, so she hands those off. She's apparently super wealthy. She hands those off to her driver, Grady, to mail off. And this is where we hear the absolute worst the audio is ever going to be. Like if the rest of the movie's audio was this bad, I would have had just like turned the sound off and read those sometimes. Right. Oh, I wrote that.

I was like, if this whole movie is going to sound like this, I can't do this, you guys. Why are you doing Right right it gets better and I almost feel like it's they put this intentionally at the end So like from this point on we could be like all right well comparatively the audience okay, right? All right, so now we cut to the Garden Chapel mega church where our main character Sarah is receiving her perfumed invitation. Mm-hmm. And this is where we meet Pastor Hot Rocks.

Yes. That's their nickname for him. Actually, it's Hot Rod because his name is Rodney, but I like Hot Rocks better. Oh, yeah. Hot Rod, but yeah. He can understand it because the audio was so. It took me so long to get Cole's name because Cole is not a name for a human being. I was like, is there name fucking goalie?

Is there name goalie? It's the name of the writer of the screenwriter, Colette. It's short for Colette, but yeah, I had subtitles on because the audio was so goddamn man. I've made a lot of easier. Oh, that's actually a really good idea. So at this point, this is where we meet, yes, the creepy pastor who's extra creepy and the main character question marks Sarah. Yeah, I feel like she's the main character because they make her somehow flawless. Yes, except for her insane lip injection. Thank you. It's like, like, absolutely first seen, can't stop looking at them.

She has those weird lip injections where they only put filler on the sides of her upper lip, not in the middle. Later in my notes, I have like, did she get one of those like hair lip surgery fixings and it went, no, no, it's just that lip injections where, where like her top lip looks like an infinity symbol. Like that's the shape of her top lip and I can't not and they put her, they put her in so much lip gloss every scene.

I can't look at them. Yeah, they might as well have like fucking John Madden arrows drawn on the screen to her lips and every thing. Yeah, they've got nothing else blurred out but her lips. Yeah, and I wanted to highlight one other thing that you said

there, the creepy pastor. So in any other movie, this guy is the creepy boss or something like that, the guy whose way to hands you or whatever. This movie seems to think he's charming and adorable because this actor is just a fucking creeper and thinks that this is charming and adorable, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. And also everybody who made this movie and is watching this movie is Christian and they have like this weird layer on their judgment. And like it's legitimately the weirdest thing. He's not attractive. He says all the wrong things. Yep.

So basically the whole, and this scene sets up the premise of the movie, which is Sarah can't decide if she wants to go hang out with her friends. And so she's having a moral conundrum and goes to the church to ask her pastor about it. How is that a concept for a movie? It's like I was so confused by this whole thing.

And he's like, hmm, hmm, I'm listening intently to this really privileged problem. And meanwhile, the woman who works in the church is like, pastor, I'm sorry, but you have a phone call from a dying woman. Would you like to take it? Or do you wanna keep talking to this dumb bitch about her non-problem? Right.

Her whole fucking issue is like me and my college friends get together every year for a reunion, but they're not very Christian and I don't know if I should go. And as she's explaining her first world white lady problems, she literally, she's like, and my friends, sorry, here are my friends' names and a brief character bio about each of their major attributes, right? Oh yeah. We couldn't afford opening credits from an 80s sitcom. So how about our people?

Oh, okay. And literally, that's the depth of the character development of the story character. She's like, my one friend, she has a women shelter. All you need to know about her, my other friend is black. That's her personality. Yeah, and she literally says this sentence.

Yes. She thinks white men have suppressed society. So clearly the writers of this movie don't even understand progressive activism or feminism or anti-racism, they don't get it. And then he literally goes, but don't we wink, wink? That's not charming. That's fucking creepy. Oh, yep. Yeah. So very quickly, Gracie is newly Christian and she's a mom and she's just great. Cole is fun, but she has a drinking problem. Patrice is black.

That's her personality. Her conflict is melanin. Yes, yes. Just one other thing about Patrice, they will constantly talk about how Patrice is like one of them she never ever mentions her blackness. Other people mention it to her constantly. Yeah. Patrice kept waiting for Patrice to bring up her color, not once in a movie.

Nope. And then, and then finally, Glenn is some haughty bitch who thinks that doing good deeds is enough to be a good person, even if you're not their religion. I love it. Another quote, direct quote from the movie. She thinks that doing good deeds gets you into heaven. And literally they're like, what a dumb. Yes.

Yep. Yep. Oh, so, but the pastor's like, well, why are these people even your friends? And she's like, you know, because it was college, man, don't let us not make us go into detail. Yeah. And then she, she gives some history that I can't remember because she's the most boring character ever. She's basically like, I was like a person and I took classes and there were, there were birds and I didn't know. But then now I'm Christian and he literally is like, you have an amazing testimony. I was like, what is he trying to get in her pants? I want to get a testimony girl.

It's that fucking boring testimony that every first world Christian woman has. Right where they're like, in college, I blew a guy once in the back of a sedan, but then when I met my boyfriend, then I was going to marry. I decided I was pure as the newest driven snow, and that's my gritty backstory. I'm Sin City too, and you're just like, oh my god, I don't care. I don't care how many hand jobs you gave while you were wine drunk, I don't care. This is not a personality. There's this fucking phenomenal moment she has where she's like, and when they all get together, as you Italians would say, forget about it. And as if that's not offensive enough, the pastor then immediately corrects her, he's like, hey, hey, hey, not a fucking whop of Portuguese.

And then the movie just moves on. Yeah, it makes it, it's completely unnecessary line. But also, by the way, that man is not Portuguese. No, no, he's not. There's no reason for that to be in the movie. No, it just makes no sense. Yeah. So ultimately, she decides she's going to go hang out with her sinful friends anyway.

And the pastor is going to watch her two sons. Well, she's gone. He's going to babysit for the weekend. Oh, yeah. That's apparently necessary. Yeah. You know, information. Yeah. So this is a horror movie from the kids. Yeah. So okay. So a couple of beautiful establishing shots of Charleston, South Carolina, later, we cut to the reunion, which is going to happen. Apparently, Coley, her ex-husband is rich and she lives in this giant beach mansion. I love the beginning of this scene because before the establishing shots are over, we hear

the characters chanting like, you love the pastor or something like that to Sarah. So before the scene begins, it has already failed the pectile test. Yes, got to get that out there because they're like, uh-oh, we wrote a movie about five Before the scene begins, it has already failed the Pektel test. Yes, got to get that out there because they're like, uh-oh, we wrote a movie about five women with problems talking to each other. Let's make sure the first one's about a man. Yes, yes. The first one is the three about a man.

And the last one is all over the place. Yeah, exactly. And I love to, not only is it you love the pastor, you love the pastor, it's also your kids are asshole. Yeah, I'll tell you. I'm like, I'll tell you. I'm talking about having asshole tilt her. Why would anybody want to watch your kids if they're not fucking you?

Your kids suck. He's really terrible. And also, so Cole's got this like, comically oversized martini glass with an umbrella. Yep. Like throughout the movie she's gonna have ever more inappropriate drinking vessels by the end of it. I expect her to have a giant wooden style like a fucking movie of biking. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's always one touch wrong with it, right? So in this case, she's got a martini glass with an umbrella at brunch. Later on she'll have like straight up vodka out of a fucking swizzle straw. It's just the worst. It's like if children were right. Have you guys ever seen that that show kid snippets on YouTube? No. Oh my god. It's so good. It's like where they record kids talking about things that they have no understanding about

and then adult actors acted out over there. Yeah, I got to check. It's okay. Christian cinema. Yeah. Yeah. It's all that. They're like, what is an alcohol couple look like?

So stupid. All right. So, yeah. So we do establish here that Patrice is like, oh, you know, that pastor's no good because That was stupid. All right. So, yeah. So we do establish here that Patrice is like, oh, you know, that pastor is no good because he's a man, a white man. And then that's, you know, we've played to her character. Also Glenn, who is the bitch who thinks that doing good deeds is enough to be a good person,

we see that she's getting texts from a guy named Mark. Now, I'm going to cue you in real quick. The movie takes its fucking time on this. She's married and not to a guy named Mark. Okay. That's true. We don't get that right away. Nope. She's having an emotional affair. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. I'm very unclear at this point. Why Glenn is friends with any of these motherfuckers. Why are I my clear why any of them are friends with any of them? None of them have anything in common and they're all awful. Yeah. Well, so I wrote later in my notes, I'm like, you know, you can only hang out with the old friends that you like, right? They don't have to all come

in the group they used to be. So, so Glenn goes to walk off and grace. This is the the newly Christian girl that we learned about it's beginning. Don't worry. She doesn't matter much. Not much. No. One with the target on her forehead. Yeah. So she turns to Glenn and she says, hey, I hear your son is in the army. Are you praying for him to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?" And the glance like, Oh, okay. Like she should be. Which I want to point out to an absolutely devout Christian, that is still a weird question. If you were the deepest of believers and someone's like, oh, my son's going into the military,

they were like, yeah, I probably ask him God not to kill him, right? That's my first response to your news. Well, and then she walks away, the grace turns to Sarah, the main character, she goes, oh, I probably, I came out a little strong, didn't I? And Sarah's like, no, no, no, no, you, you fucking nailed that.

No, that was great. That's our whole thing. It's just waging our religion into every possible conversation in the least pleasant way. You nailed it. You nailed it. You nailed it. You nailed it. You nailed it.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. So, okay. So meanwhile, Patrice and Coley, that's the the black woman and the drunk woman are hanging out in the kitchen.

I've just described all of their personalities. I was afraid to have a ratio. I mean, you're not, Yeah, they did that for us. We are not. Yeah. This is where we learned that Patrice is an author, a poet, yeah, a poet. Yes. Which is also an author.

No offense. Elias mom. That's also. She's. Right. Right. But specifically, she writes poetry. Yeah.

Right. And this is where Coli says, Book of poems. They didn't even rhyme. And I genuinely could not tell you if this movie thinks poems should arrive. So and then, of course, since they're so good at capturing audio, they've decided that they're going to have a whole fucking scene where Gracie and Sarah are standing on a goddamn beach. Okay. So round out by the sound of the surf bonding over their Christianity. Did they record the audio from inside a conch?

That would make sense. And the conversation is so, but now it's like speaking of divorce, you're divorced. Would you like to expound on that element of your backstory, Sarah? Oh, there's such a fucking amazing moment here in the middle of this conversation where she's like, oh, I was so Christian and he had an affair. It's maybe I wasn't good enough. And then there's an echoey fucking silence while her friend does not disagree. Well, okay, but she goes like, you know, my husband left me because he said I was a Christian

cell at the last drop for him is when I wanted to keep our kids out of school so I could hide them from evolution in the age of the earth. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, sure, reasonable. Mm-hmm. Yep. I would have left you to. Yeah. And then they have to back away from that. She's like, also, he was having an unrelated affair even before I was Christian. So it's not Jesus' fault. It's a person. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So he used his computer too much. I don't know why I'm listening all the things. This is a weird order for me. And then after Sarah, main character talks about all of her non-problems, then Grace, character who doesn't matter, you soon you'll see, blonde, pretty girl, is like

kind of ugly crying at this point, right? About how she loves Jesus. And everything was hard in her life, except none of her problems are real problems. She's like, I have kids who love me. And life is sometimes slightly stressful. My yoga class got canceled. And you're just like, what is this? Like, these people don't matter. She ugly cries almost every conversation that she has in this movie. It's pretty amazing. Honestly, you do too matter could have in this, in this movie. It's pretty amazing.

Honestly, you do too matter. Could have been the title of the movie. Or my life is harder than your life. Come a black lady. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So we go straight from Sarah's Weepy Backstory about her husband leaving her to Gracie's Weepyback story about her dad leaving her when she was a kid and then oh, is that what she was talking about? Yeah, she's talking about like her dad left one day and she waited on the porch for him for apparently the rest of her fucking life. You know, I don't know. Oh, yeah, I'm so funny.

She literally, it was like that movie trope where she's like, he went out for cigarette. I've never came back. That's the extent of the writing ability. Like I don't mean to like make light of people whose father's left, I know that's very traumatic or whatever, but the way that is stupid, yeah, exactly. The way this stupid ass movie stumbles over it is hilarious.

But so she's like, yeah, and I go, I always felt like my father had abandoned me and I didn't have a father and then I found the Holy Father. Oh, I hate that why is there always an electric complex in all these movies? Jesus is also daddy and I want to fuck Jesus, but also my abs and daddy. Like I want to study these people. Right. Yeah.

And the Holy Spirit is within me and he's the Trinity. Yeah. Yeah. And he's got a big fat cock too. Yeah. She literally ends up by saying, that's the whole you felt like you could never feel. I wrote my notes. Yes.

The Eli Bosnick story. I get it. I get it. All right. But we cut now to a scene where Gracie has gone inside and she's admiring the entire room full of childhood beauty, pageant trophies that Cole keeps. Sure. Yeah.

It's a whole wall of this room that's got built in bookshelves with like, tiaras and sashes and trophies. Like, what a don't woman. Brides. Would keep that kind of, it's weird. Well, here's the fucked up thing judging by the budget that this movie seemed to have for most things.

That is someone's collection involved in the making of this film, right? They just, no question. Sure. For sure. So yeah, so Gracie comes in, she's like, oh, these are nice trophies. And then Koli comes in and starts lecturing her on how she should make her daughter's compete in beauty pageants.

While putting her in clown makeup. Yes. She, and she literally is like, how is a pageant any different from a track meet? And I'm like, let me tell you. Like, one of them involves skill. And the other is prioritizing being pretty as if that's a skill.

Right. Yeah. One is a sexy child contest. Yeah. And the other one is like, I don't know, teaches you things like self-determination Overcoming adversity like it's the weirdest thing ever and then she's like literally says her life is a competition Like it's very cutthroat to making me uncomfortable. Yes. Why we didn't want to have Heath here for this one He is Be very triggering.

They have this great moment where she's like, I don't know, when I see that stuff on TV, it makes it look like shit. And she says, everything looks like shit. And I was like, you know what, Cole, you have a point. That's true. You do have a point. That's true. This is where we start to love Cole.

Yeah. Yeah. This is where we learn that there have been some incidents with coley at the women shelter fundraiser Yes, oh yes, and I love this because they refer so Glenn her whole thing is that she runs a women shelter Yes, yeah like and and apparently that makes her a bad person because she doesn't also have Jesus in her heart Yeah, but the clearly the women shelter doesn't have a name No, the women shelter doesn't have a name. So they just call the women shelter. The women shelter, yeah.

Over and over, which is so weird. Not even, they never even shorten it to the shelter. So, always the women shelter. Well, you know, in his self-care line, there's probably just the one women shelter. Yeah, that's probably possible. Yeah, and so they're literally like talking down to her, like shitting on her for raising

money for women who are victimized by violence and then shitting on her drunk friend for donating lots of money to said women should like like, oh my god, this is what you do with your life. Well, so, so, so, we're. And that is legitimately what's going on, right? Like it cares not being facetious in our description of that because the message that this movie is trying to send is, yeah, well, you're never going to get to heaven by, you know, helping victimized women or donating money to charities.

It's all about being our religion. What a fucking waste. Yeah, this is clearly a grace not works religions that wrote this movie. So, I mean, what are those? Those are the, I don't really know what the vision is. It's the Protestant vision. Those are the Protestant, okay. I'm not very good at this.

And even as somebody, like I'm, you know, clearly we're all atheists and think this is all garbage. But like even when I was a kid, I was raised in the Mormon church. And even the Mormon church is a works-based faith. Like they believe in all the things like baptism and doing all that stuff, but they're also like, you can't just get baptized in the city person.

Like you also have to be a good person your whole life. Otherwise, it doesn't work. But clearly, there are lots of people who believe you can just do whatever the fuck you want, act out wherever the fuck you want, and so long as you have Jesus in your heart, you're going to heaven. I mean, this is that heaven's gates, hell's flames play that we did in Karnay. Yep.

Yep. Exactly. No, exactly. That's a huge part of this movie's message. The acting isn't any better and the sentence is slightly better dressed, but yep, it's the same fucking movie. It is. Well, and then we cut back to the God damn pageant conversation because apparently we

didn't get enough of that the first time around. And there's this amazing moment here. So coldly is like telling grace off for being too Christian, right? She's like, you're getting like fucking Sarah and Sarah's just annoying. And she says at this point, don't get me wrong. I believe Jesus died for our sins. I go to church. I just, you know, I'm not also an asshole about it in the movies like see that's your problem

right there. See that's your problem. You gotta be an asshole about it. It's so weird. They, they like clearly spell out that she's already Christian. Yeah. Yep. Everyone in this movie is already Christian.

Right. They're just not Christian enough for Sarah's weird bullshit metrics. Yes. And the whole movie is going to be ultimately about making holy the Christian into a fucking Christian. Yep. Making everyone in this movie who is already Christian. More better Christian.

Yes. And in doing so, don't worry, Jesus will suck the alcoholism right out of your brain. Yep, sure will. Sure will. That's how that works. So, of course, this conversation about how Christian she is or isn't, is ostensibly still about the kids and beauty patches. So they wrap that part up by having Grace ask, well, you know, if it's about building self-esteem,

what if my kids lose the beauty pageants? And Coli's like, well, I wouldn't know about losing. I've never done that. And I'm like, fuck yeah, Coli. Fuck yeah, Heath would love you. Oh, are you kidding? A woman who can out drink him and has issues about losing? It's fucking so mate was on this episode, yeah.

But you're also forgetting the most important part of the scene. Anyway, the flashback. Yeah, we're getting there. We're getting there. Oh, okay. Come on, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. We get to see her childhood. We get to see her Jean-Bene Ramsey moment

It's um you might want to be a little careful. Oh, I'm using that expression Cara We might have very different definitions of what or John Bene Ramsey moment Sorry, it's the only it's the only pageant child I could think of off the top of my head. That's probably a little bit more. That's not askeely how many he could think of. So, I can think of a lot of pageant children. But my favorite part of this is, well, there's so many favorite parts.

So they flash back to her sitting in a trailer with like a stuffed animal, while her garbage mom is yelling at her about being a shitty pageant contested and winning second place and second place is garbage. And she's like, fuck you, second place. She's got crazy eyes.

And also, drunk mom is, you guys, okay, I have not seen as many of these bad movies as you have. I only do this once a month. Hey, God. But the mom is by far the worst acting. I've seen. Oh, yeah, she overplays this by so many ingredients. It's also weird because it seems like the actress doesn't know when the scene is going to cut.

Yeah, she keeps being like, never. And then totally relaxing and dropping character. Like she expects the scene to be over and then like, oh, shit, there's more like oh and then another thing about that is so weird. It's so weird. She's acting in bursts of TikTok Well, and she just keeps saying the same things over and over again Like it's like the actor instinctively knows that this scene shouldn't be this fucking long Think divley knows that this scene shouldn't be this fucking law But it goes on forever she just over and over again screams the same shit before storming out of the trailer to Salk and smoke cigarettes I guess

Yeah, yeah, clearly that's what she was doing all right Well, I'll tell you what I know I need a minute to process all this new character information we just got So we're gonna pause for another break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more only God care but you can buy hot pockets by the palette it's not about the money Noah I've talked to you about the hey guys what are you arguing about we're trying to figure out what to do for food tonight know it is one of the anything but hot pocket and Eli wants to go to a restaurant that only serves mustard. Okay, for the record, Pupon has a Michelin star. Guys, guys, if you want to eat delicious food at home, why don't you try Hello Fresh? What's Hello Fresh?

Well, with Hello Fresh, you get fresh pre-measured ingredients and mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door, skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Hmm, I don't know, Cara. I like a little variety in what I eat, you know? Well, Hello Fresh offers 50 menu and market items to choose from every week from vegetarian meals and calorie smart choices to extra special gourmet options.

There's something for everyone to enjoy with recipes designed and tested by professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity. Wow, that's a lot of variety, but that's gotta be super expensive, right? Actually, hello, fresh is over 30% cheaper than shopping at grocery stores with pre-portioned ingredients that ensure you won't spend money on excess food that ends up going in the trash.

Yeah, hello, fresh actually sent us a box to try. And the fact that each recipe comes in its own bag makes unpacking and getting ready for cooking a breeze. All right, Cara, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Just go to hellofresh.com slash awful14 and use code awful14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping.

Wait, that's hellofresh.com slash awful14 and use code awful14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. Wait, that's hello fresh.com slash awful 14 and use code awful 14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. That's right. So Eli, that place you were going to go the other night was a mustard restaurant. Oh, no, that was a different thing. Same name though, confusing. I can see why that confused you. Gross. Who put.

Putty, thanks so much for coming! I wouldn't miss it for the world, so wonderful to help women in need. Of course! Is Coley coming? She said she was, but I haven't um... Oh, baby! Sorry! Sorry! Harmly...

Fucking Valley took forever! Oh, Coley, we don't have valet parking. Well, then some motherfuckers stole my car again. So, I may have a gift my car to someone on accident again. God, it, well why don't we just sit you down? We can start the silent auction. Hey, hey, I got something silent for you. Coal, that got something silent for you.

Co-co-co-that. That wasn't silent. Yeah, well, it wasn't a fart either. Oh, Jesus. Chip myself. We got it. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open back up on Sarah setting the table for dinner. And yes, her play settings include a Bible for each guest.

Now, it'll turn out that they all have a tradition of giving gifts to each other. And this is her gift, which is pretty shitty by itself. But at first, it just seemed like she's like, okay, I was spoon for the soup, a fork for the fish, a fork for the meal, and a Bible. And a Bible for the sin. So she's she's setting the table. Cole is making dinner. She starts fucking with her. She's like, apropos, nothing. You're a Christian Christian Christian.

You do Christian. I always love the moment where these movies try to do like a make fun of themselves. Thing, right? It's like it's like when you're trying to do a roast of a friend and you've got to see how hard you can go. Right. They're like, Oh, you're so Christian. You make a cake. Yeah. Okay. You're not crying. Make a cake is cool. Yeah. Well, it also gives you this weird insight into what they think bothers us about that, right? Oh, you Christian, you're always so good to everyone and kind. Fuck you.

Oh, it's so bad. And also, okay, I think they've all had a lot of plastic surgery. All I'm gonna talk about in this whole scene is like superficial shit about how people look. Because they get you. Kara, for beginning it, because every woman in this whole scene is, is like superficial shit about how people look because they get you. Kara for beginning it because every woman in this movie is beautiful except for one crazy flaw, right?

Main character, lovely except for the lip filler. African American lady, lovely except one of her eyes is facing in a different cardinal fucking direction than the other one. Chloe can be lovely. Chloe looks like she was attempting a fucking, uh, who's that one that's in all the Christopher guest movies? Chloe. Chloe.

What's her name? Oh, holy, holy, holy, holy, holy. Holy looks like she's trying to be that woman that's in the Christopher guest movies, but yes, stiffler's mom, but on ironically ironically and Glenn looks like she's going to lose the mership to build the blasio. It's really it's a whole thing. What I'm seeing is a lot of perfectly lovely women who had perfectly unnecessary plastic surgery.

Yes. And I'm like, is this just an old lady Christian thing? Like I don't get it. And then in this scene, part of the reason I'm bringing up only superficial shit in the scene is because they're all mean to each other superficially. There's the weirdest stuff happening in the scene. Number one, Koli tells Glenn, you look like you're off to a United Nations summit. What the fuck is that mean? Oh, it's because she dared to wear a suit. Yeah, like is that an insult? She looks amazing for sure. Oh my God, was that a urine pants?

Damn. Yeah, that was a your wearing pants joke. Also, what temperature is it in this house? It's unclear. Kole is dressed like a Victorian vampire. Mm-hmm. And Gracie is wearing a sundress. Nope.

It's the weird. Kole is literally wearing like a velvet coat with large, like a large bow at the neck. And Gracie's wearing like a flowing floral sundress. And I'm very confused as to how they all look comfortable. Right. Right. It's clearly different temperatures on different sides of the room by a lot.

And then, okay, so while they're bitching at each other and all of that shit, Patrice takes Glenn aside and she says, Hey, look, we've done a really sloppy job of introducing this to the film. Do you want to just spell out the fact that you're flirting with a guy you that you're not married to on your text message? Do you want to just like make that clear to the audience? And she's like, yeah, okay. Yeah. I also love that Glenn justifies her, her affair as she deserves a treat.

Yes, right. I have a plastic container of vegan cookie dough bites that I grab one of every four seconds as a little treat for Eli. That's how she's treating her in a fair. Like, oh, you know what, I've been good today. I did my morning workout. I'm gonna have a little affair. That's how she's treating her in her fair. Like, oh, you know what, I've been good today. I did my morning workout. I'm gonna have a little affair.

That's for me. I have a nice little cheat on my husband. She says this weird lab, like she goes through this, like I do everything for everyone else. I deserve having an affair and like, fuck whoever you want to. And then she's like, also my husband's cheating on me. So I mean, fuck, like, you know, yeah, they kind of like bury the lead that her husband is literally a garbage person.

And we'll see this later. He's fucking awful. Everyone in her life absolutely sucks. Yeah, like I feel so bad for this girl by the end of the movie. Well, and it's yet another Christian movie accidentally underscoring how dangerous and terrible it is to be judgy at people for being divorced.

Right. Because she doesn't want to have enough fair. She wants to divorce that piece of shit she's married to is what she wants. Yeah. He's so garbage. He's so mean as his her mom, but whatever. I digress. I'm getting it.

But this scene, the reason that this scene exists is for Glenn to bitch in moan about her hard life, which to be fair, they do show how terrible everyone in her life is. Yet, her life is hard because she's really rich and everyone is mean to her for being rich. Like, she doesn't have, like, she's literally complaining to the black woman in the movie. Yes. About how her kid got into West Point, but won't go. Yes.

And I wrote in all caps, hello, I am a tone can you hear me? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. By the way, when she says that, this is when Patrice says, now that I think about it, you probably have it harder than a black woman. And I wrote in my notes, okay, movie relax.

Relax. Yes. All right. So that was time for dinner. We're going to start with Grace. And I just, because this is a weird one for me, it's one of those things that like after the pandemic, you wonder why the hell we ever had the idea of, hey, let's all join hands right before we eat with them.

Yeah. As a tradition. Well, some parts of the country are doing it extra now. They're like, I wouldn't lick your hands. Yep. We're overloading these Texas hospital's dammit. We will make sure Eli doesn't care about the fourth wave. Thanks, man.

I'm, I'm writing them. That shit. So, yeah. So Sarah says, Grace, in the style of a fucking ASMR video by the way. I know, it's kinda hot. I never talked about the food. I have to talk about the food. It's the grossest looking food.

It is, it's like summer camps spaghetti. You look at the food together. Because look, here's the thing. You can get a film crew together and rent a mansion and a couple of prom dresses to make your characters rich. But you can't rent fancy looking food. That's a violent shit. Which is why they're having a fucking lasagna noodles

in cheese sauce. It is horrifying. Well, and the sad thing is you know that's just crew sauce. It is horrifying. Well, and the sad thing is you know that's just crew dinner. Well, right. It's like they just everybody who have services over to the table for a few minutes. Yes.

This movie did not have a behind the scenes DVD, but I promise you if it did, they'd be like, and you might not know this, but in the fancy dinner scene, we all actually got to eat that spaghetti. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. I might not know this, but in the fancy dinner scene, we all actually got to eat that spaghetti, oh. Yeah. Jesus.

Well, it was so funny about the movie as as you're thinking to yourself, like, is that just a fucking plate of spaghetti somebody made on their counter or something? Yeah. All the characters are like, hey, let's wait to eat and open our gifts first so they're thinking the same shit. Oh, yeah, and it's spaghetti and it's not in like a warming dish.

Who knows? No, it's gonna be freezing cold. And if you look up close, you can see that they use the shaky Parmesan cheese. That's like shelf-steady bowl. Yeah, but I mean, the stuff you can just keep at room temperature. Yeah, the stuff you keep next to your survival buckets. Oh, sure, sure. For sure. Now about these gifts.

Cara, this is what I picture you and your friends, dude. We did it. We did it together once a year. And give each other bibles and pictures of ourselves. And forgive each other. Very emotional. Magazine subscriptions. Magazine, oh yeah, I'm really cold.

He's like, we have to fill it out ourselves with the fuck. I am so fucking. Cause she's the fucking hero got into her. So mean. Like, I love her. She, I feel like the actress herself is that mean. And she was like, this group doesn't go far enough. I'm just going to make some creative edits.

But yeah, so good. So many things happen in the scene that make me just lose it. Okay, first of all, one of them gives everybody a picture of them together in college. Oh my God. Okay. They didn't want to take a photo for the film. So they photoshopped and by photoshopped what I mean is

they said each of you bring a picture of yourselves. I don't care what orientation your body is. Or the lighting. Yeah, or lighting. I'm going to what orientation your body is. Or the lighting. Or lighting. I'm going to cut it out with like kitty scissors. Yeah. And then you zigzag scissors. Literal paste. To paste it over a backdrop of a sunny city. Oh, Charleston, I think. Yeah. Well, and so here's the fucked up thing. Right. This is not a picture of them when they were in college. This is a picture of them from the previous year's reunion.

They could not get these five women to stand in front of a site of any kind to take a fucking picture. How is this easier? I said, they had still shots from this movie that they could use. Right. It's fucking, but this is the worst digital imagery I've ever seen and I've seen Mike Lindell's evidence that the election was wrong. Holy shit. Coli said in the middle of the gift given Coli's like I need more alcohol. I'm like you go girl. Coli said in the middle of the gift given colors like I need more alcohol. I'm like you go girl

A bottle of wine she goes who's drink it with me this bottle of wine was $500 and I'm like then why are you serving fucking spaghetti? All the money went to the wine It's also super not like they they did their best to hide the fucking Boone's Hill strawberry farm label. But it's one of those jumbo bottles they get at like the value section of the alcohol store. Yeah, this box of wine costs $500. And of course, because Gracie has been on screen for more than two minutes, she has to

have a weepy, ugly cry about how important Jesus is to her. She essentially, she gives us the same came to Jesus speech that she just gave on the beach five buck and scenes ago. No, it's so unnecessary. It feels like she was workshopping it on Sarah and. Yeah. I think that is what they were doing, Eli. I think that's like they were doing, Eli. I think that's not just to be funny.

I think that's like, oh, it's so hard to come out to your friends as Christians. You're practiced on the Christian. Oh my God. Oh my God. You're right. Yeah. God, their problems are so minor.

I don't even notice them. I don't recognize them. All right. So we cut to After Dinner. Koli is, they're trying to do Koli is like way too drunk, but she seems so pleasantly inebriated. She seems like she's having a blast. She doesn't have to drive anywhere tonight.

She's also for real. Like if you remember her at dinner, she was like, you're a fat cunt. I need to drink. Like she's awful. And then After Dinner, she's like dancing. And she's like, I love you all. like, you're a fat cunt. I need to drink. Like she's awful. And then after dinner, she's like dancing. And she's like, I love you all. Oh, you're right.

I really like her too. Right. She's so much nicer. And they're like, whoa, put her in the scrubber with a hosepipe on her. Like, I'm just saying, this is very unreal. As someone who has ridden in an uber with heath and Andrew

after a wine tasting, they have a lot to learn about what someone who's actually wasted eggs. So yeah, so everybody goes to bed. There's a thunderstorm outside, so we see an awful lot of stock lightning footage that they had. Yep. They bought the whole fucking thing. They're gonna use the whole fucking thing, right?

It felt like there was a storm during filming and they weren't gonna waste it. Yeah, it's not like the storm matters, yeah. Well, it kind of matters. Well, it, because it's actually a really important clock point. It did. Depends on how much you care about grace. Well, but like it's not like you need an excuse for a person to have a car accident, right?

You just like you have to explain that away. So, okay, so we cut to the next morning and we get to see where Kohli wakes up hung over because that's what she deserves. Dammit. And Patrice confronts her about her alcoholism. She's like, did you go to AA and she's like, yeah, didn't really work for me. And she's like, actually, they don't report their numbers. So we have no idea how well it works for anybody.

And she's like, she says, yeah, I've even tried AA. I was so hoping for a battery joke here. You know, it's a decal to get me up. No, I was out of the house anonymous. Yeah. So and also like apparently part of the tradition. and I think this explains a lot of why everybody keeps coming back. Part of the tradition of this reunion is that Coley just gives everybody a fat fucking check

at the end of it, right? Like a thanks for pretending to like me, check. Yeah, it is weird, but we don't ever get to see how much it is. Right. I really want to know what this movie thinks is friendship maintaining money, right? Because it's either $8 million or $65 in Cinebun coupons. Also, they don't let us know until Patrice is back downstairs meeting up with the other girls that everybody got a check.

Right. They're trying to be wink wink nod nod. You're my favorite because they only show coldly giving the check to Patrice. And there's something just really uncomfortable about the scene where she's like, here's some money and Patrice is like, you shouldn't have and she's like,

just take the fucking money and she's like, you know, I will. And I'm like, yeah. I don't know any friend groups like this. We're like, one of the girls is rich and she just writes her friend's checks. So yeah, so Patrice goes downstairs, Gracie and Sarah are about to leave. They all have to be like, Sarah has to be like, well, yes, she gave me a big check too,

but I'm going to give it to my church because Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, right? Yeah, and they're like, but you're like, you have kids and you're like a struggling single mom with no job. Apparently not. Nobody has ever referenced what you do for a whole thing. Nope. Like you'd have no earning potential. And she's like, it's okay, God will provide.

Yeah. You're like, what? Why? I'm so sick. Can you just send you a magic check through a friend? No, no, I'm gonna give him. He'll provide against like the old joke about God sending a helicopter.

He's like, didn't you see that helicopter? Yeah, you're so right. God. And then, you know, because of course, once they paid for the subscription, they were allowed to use as much of that storm footage as they wanted. So we see a little bit more of that. Sarah's back home folding laundry, being domestic when the news cuts in to talk about a fatal car accident.

It was Gracie, the very Christian girl. It was so amazing about the very Christian girl. It was so amazing about this announcement is it's like, Grace so and so has died. And then you see the movie realized that we have no idea who these fucking assholes names are. So it quickly flashes to everyone finding out and it's like, it's the blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one.

The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde blonde one. The blonde one. The blonde she used to dead one. And also it's such a stupid way to introduce this. She could get a call or something. They don't come on the news and just go like, there was a fatal accident. The person who died was like, come on. That's literally never happened in the history of news. Like, exactly.

Let me throw this out there. They should. Right? Build the little suspense into it. Oh, looks like there was a fire in downtown Los Angeles. And the people who died are Jason, right? Give me a fun out of them. Absolutely. Pause after the between the first and last names, you know? You could do it when they do the lotto numbers. They only do this when there are horrific tragedies

and usually it takes days before they're clear to identify the people. Right, of course. Or when there's some sort of like big, like murder, suicide or something, when somebody dies tragically and it is tragic in a traffic crash, they don't get any air time. None. And when they cut, the weird thing is when they do identify a victim on television, they say their name

and they show a photo of them, but they didn't do that. And if they had done that, we would have known who Grace was immediately, but they didn't have the capability to make fake news real footage. They just used another news real footage. You're right, not a spacecraft.

They told the way to. A different person's actual death, they were like, oh, mine. Yeah, it was like in Canada too. It was like the wrong kind of like cop car. I mean, they were driving on the other side of the road or something. Very straight. Watching a Swedish cop get out and like use their special prongs that only Swedish cops get.

It's a weird thing. No, that's a good type of office. So yeah, the news guy might as well say, you know, and here's hoping she was right not only Swedish cops yet. It's a weird. No, that's a good type of work. So yeah, the news guy might as well say, you know, and here's hoping she was right with Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Now we cut over to Coli sadly putting on makeup.

She's gotten the news as well. And this is, I do believe the first time in all of God awful movies that we've ever had to watch a character flashback to their own flashback. Right. She flashes back during this big long flashback and includes the flashback to which she was a kid. I wanted the kid to have a flashback to her coming in second place. And then she goes to the car to go to the funeral and legit her driver's like you look like

shit later. It's like more judgey than any of the women in this movie have been so far. They're very judgey of her having a drink or two when her friend died. I wrote my notes. No, when my heart explodes, you officially have my permission to have a cigarette. Yeah, that's nice. I'm going to shock you here, Eli, but thinking about fatal heart disease does not instill a craving for cigarettes at me.

But I appreciate the time. Well, at the time. Okay. But he also isn't being judgy about the fact that she's drunk. He's like, no, look that. Right. Right. You just want to go by the salon.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He's like, you're not, you're not going to the funeral in that. It doesn't make any sense because she's basically, she looks fabulous. Her hair is done perfectly and she's wearing one tenth less makeup than she is in the rest of the movie where she looks like a clown. Right. I'm like, she looks lovely.

Why is everybody being so mean? Well, and then we have to go speaking of being mean. We have to go meet Glenn's terrible family. She's getting ready for the funeral in a fucking hat that looks like a rejected Tim Burton pro. And this is where we finally meet her terrible husband who doesn't want to go funeral call. Yeah. She's like, well, you come with me and he goes, whatever, it's your friend. Like will you come with me and he goes, whatever, it's your friend. He's such a piece of shit. Will you die, I'll go.

He's also reading the newspaper because this is how the director thinks that people show that they're like inhuman as they keep their eyes down on whatever they're reading while they interact. Because both the shitty shit husband and the shitty shit mom do the same thing. Oh, you're right. They do. They do. They do. And the shitty shit mom, we meet immediately after, right?

She walks out from the shitty husband, shitty mom is sitting there reading the newspaper on the porch and she's like, hope you didn't cheap on the fucking funeral flowers. Hope you weren't cheap about it. Oh, she's also like, I hope you've sent funeral flowers from all of us. Yeah. Even though none of us. Yeah. Even though none of us give a shit enough to actually go to the funeral. Right, yeah, because she's like, well, mom, would you like to come to the funeral with me? And she's like, why the fuck would I want to go to a funeral, funeral sock, funeral sock?

She literally says, I think the words that she said, like in the script, is like, why would you ask me that question? Yeah. So something weird, like, that's a fucking stupid question. What's so funny about the mom character is she's a miserable bitch, but she's supposed to be like the high class evil mom, right? We're too rich to have any humanity. Except she's just like some Florida lady who's using her walker as a chair.

Yeah. So the whole thing, I have no time for the peasants. Excuse me. My TV guide has just been thrown wet onto the porch. I must read it. That's sure they never pan out to show how big the house actually is. Right. Yeah.

They just show only bricks right or right. Yeah. Good. I don't get that because it's like, I guess they're all supposed to be rich. I don't know, because they show Coli's house and it's stunning. It's huge and stunning.

But then they don't quite show Glenn's supposed to be the really rich lady, right? Like with all that comes from all this money and they're like, oh, we could only afford one rich people. We could only get one porn mansion to shoot in. I'm honestly surprised that we didn't just see that same house from the front. You know, right?

Right, a different angle. So they like, they flipped the image. So don't we wait until we get to the top? Yeah. Now the tree's on the left. Oh, yeah, no, the push on the other one was on the right side of the house. Yeah, they've put a giant mustache on the towel.

That's right. And I'm monical. Yeah. So, okay, so they show up at the funeral. Cody is drunk and not in all up for this shit. I'm thinking to myself, yeah, man, it's a funeral. You could just not be judgy about that kind of shit, right? Like, her friend died.

Yeah, she doesn't even seem that drunk. She just mostly looks sad. Right. And everybody's like, oh, God, you look like shit. And it's like, why is everybody so mean to her? She looks perfectly nice. Right, Glenn Cesar. And she's like, oh, your hair is terrible.

Let me put this ridiculous hat on you instead. Now you bear the curse of the hat that cannot be undone. It's like a fucking movie from the Ringman hat. So yeah, so we go inside the church for the funeral. Everybody's really sad because religion doesn't work. This is where we meet Gracie's mom who is apparently like the group mom. Everybody loved Gracie's mom, right? Yeah, she says, can we all still keep calling you mama?

And I was like, or what? You have like a title removing some kind of ceremony where you all tear a piece of our garment one by one. I also have to point out that there is a baby in this scene. And the baby obviously does not know what act he is and everyone's crying and the baby is like, know what act he gets and everyone's crying. And the baby is like, what are you all doing? You're all freaking out.

You're all freaking out. What's going on? They handed to what her quote unquote mom. And she's like, I do not know this fucking woman. She looks directly off camera. She's like, mom, mom, right? You're right. This stranger.

Well, and there's this. Okay. So we have, and what we're seeing is Sarah walking through the funeral just killing it at funeraling because she's so Christian, right? And then like one of the ways in which she kills it is she takes care of the baby during the funeral. So the grieving mother won't have to, right? But the baby so obviously does not want to be with this lady.

They can barely get the three seconds of film required to tell us that very much so yes. Oh, oh, and this I love this so much This is where we get to see what this writer thinks that an award-winning poets poem would sound like right? Holy shit. It's so bad roses are red graces blue I said, she did now. And so are you. No, you're not dead. She will be. She will be. She wrote this poem, gotten a fight over whether or not it could rhyme.

And so it does it, but it almost. Yeah, it's like they wrote a poem that rhymes. And then they go, wait, wait, I think atheists lefties don't rhyme. So we should probably change if you were. Wait, wait, if their poems don't rhyme, how do they crochet them onto a pillow and then put that prominently whenever they guess that they're making fucking sense? I'll leave in a poem if it does it rhyme. Yes. How do people know what to do if they sprinkle when they tinkle? Think. Yes. And then my favorite part is after the poem, there's this sort of hot dude that gets up and

plays a sort of good song. That dude, his voice was so much more soulful than anyone expected. Because he's got that sort of goofy guitar guy at the party. And then he starts singing. I mean, mean the song I didn't care for the song which but the god did but his voice was incredible. No like he was actually really talented. Yeah. My hope is that like I don't know why he's in this movie.

So my hope is that he's like not a Christian asshole but really his stick is like that South Park episode where Cartman realizes that. Right. Yeah. Way more. Oh, contrary. Oh, no. Oh, contrary, Kara Santa Maria got there. Oh, no. You did research, didn't you?

If you paid close attention to the opening credits of this movie, there were special thanks to the sky for letting abuse his song. He is a Christian music artist, and the last thing on his Instagram is him being like, I want weird fucking masks, you can't. He's like that. Oh. Every moment you said you know, Carol loves him. And I'm going to tag you both in a tweet right now. No, no, no, no.

He's like, no, no. Michael, you're having a blocker. Local. I knew the way to block. Anchor, you can't block me. I have so many profiles. Cara said. All right.

No block the first. The only thing I can do is move on. I'll try to, I'll try to distract him Cara. So the funeral is over. Sarah has to give back the baby. So now all the named characters are going to go to Grace's mom's house where no one else will have gone. They have this insane moment where they have to justify the fact that the family won't be there. So they're like, we'll see you back at the house.

We're gonna go to the gravesite, but you guys go to the house. We'll be at the gravesite while you're at the house. Yes. Yeah. And clearly these actors were told to vamp about the funeral for a few minutes. Like, as they wait for this scene again. So, and it goes so wrong so quickly. So Patrice is going to spend pretty much the rest of the movie talking about how great that anti-mask or song was. But the only thing she has to say about it was it was lovely so she just keeps saying that over and over again

And Sarah just keeps desperately trying to think of anything else to say about that last scene. What are generic funeral words? I'm still sad our friend is dead Now, but all I remember about this scene is coley being like you all fucking suck. I'm so drunk. You wish it was me, you fucking cunts. And then she just goes around the circle, pushing all their buttons, basically saying all the things that are wrong with them. It's so uncomfortable because at one point she gets to Patrice and she's like, you weren't

even born in hot Atlanta. I'm blacker than you. She told everybody's like, I stood up from my chair and I was like, She's slow plays that she's like, and you the whole black thing. Real literal quote, I grew up closer to the hood than any of y'all. And my friends, the next time you think you have self control, imagine being that African American actress standing there for what was probably more than one take and then not killing everyone associated with this movie.

Oh my God. And she's like, y'all wish I was the one that died. And they're like, well, right now. Yeah. They're all like, holy, holy chill out, holy, holy. You're making a scene. Nobody is there. By the way, it's just them. Yeah. But like, holy, you're making a scene. And finally, she's like, deep inside, you know, there is no God. And I was like, go! Oh my God. Yeah, we should find out that Cole's whole fucking diatribe started when Sarah was saying some Jesus words

again, she's like, God, fucking, you please shut up about your religion for eight fucking seconds. That was the blow. I have never felt closer to any character in any Christian movie yes which is why it hurts so bad when what comes comes also when she has her big outburst about you all knowing your heart God is dead mom dead girl's mom is there and she turns around like and then everyone leaves. And leaving mom there, she's just like, oh, you're all leaving after you loudly screamed

that my daughter has gone into the oblivion from once we never returned. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, no, Sarah sticks around. We'll come back to that. But first we have to go to a restaurant where Patrice and Glen are sitting around going like, okay, so we're just, we're fucking done

with Koli and her bullshit, right? Is that, we're done? They're all gone. We're all gone. We're all gone. We're all gone. We're all gone. We're all gone. We're all gone. back to that. But first we have to go to a restaurant where Patrice and Glen are sitting around going like, okay, so we're just, we're fucking done with Kohli and her bullshit, right? Is that we're done? They're opening line in this scene is, do you think we stayed long enough? I mean, after you scream, she's dead in front of the mother, you can go. It's not really a time-ning thing at that point. So, okay. So late that night Sarah's still hanging out with Gracie's

mom because she's the good Christian one when Gracie's daughter show up and Sarah bibles at them and tell everybody feels okay about their mom dying. Now, now, Karen, you counsel people through this is pretty much what you do, right? You just pull out the Bible and read at them and tell them that they tell you to shut up and leave. Right, in a quiet voice though. Yeah, my favorite part of what they did, which is not what you're supposed to do, is Patrice is getting all existential.

And she's talking about like these deep kind of concerns about what she's done with her life, right? This is what happens when you lose somebody. Very often as you start reflecting on your own life and you start going like, am I living the way I wanna live and my living life to the fullest? And she starts to get a little bit emotional and immediately the main character of the movie

who's supposed to be the good person Sarah goes, don't cry. And you're gonna be like, don't cry. Bottle it up, bottle it up. She's exactly the opposite of what you do when somebody is grieving. You never tell somebody don't cry. I'm pretty disagreeing.

It's a crazy thing. I need to disagree with you on air. I know that this is somewhat of an air-amer expertise, but I've been pushing down the death of my father for seven years now and it's going awesome. I'm sure it is. Yeah, I'm not going to air all of the text messages that you and I share. That's a lot of issues Eli.

Eating a cookie dough bite because I deserve a special treat. So a third of the way through our podcast report. So okay, and so now we are done with dead lady. That whole character is over with. Yeah, she doesn't exist anymore. Nope, she's, yep. And so, I like in the movie.

I mean, not like the world. In all senses though, she's, she's, she's, yeah, it's true, but they never, like they never reference her. Nope, we will never go back to that. And so, okay, then Sarah goes to see Flirted Pastor. She's made him, she's baked him a cake for, as a thank you for watching his kids,

but it is the most comically oversized and inappropriate cake that you could possibly bake for someone in that instance. That's a sheet cake. It's a shiny and a Costco sheet. 35 person sheet cake that doesn't have anything written. That's the problem is they went to Costco and they were like, we need a cake for the scene

and they were like, we have these sheet cakes for, you know, funerals. They were like, oh, um, could you at least write something on it and they were like, that will be any amount of money and they were like, no, it doesn't really matter. We spent our budget on the porn mansion. So the pastor asks her out on a date. Again, in any other movie, this is just, this is your creepy boss asking you out, but this movie doesn't know that. So, you know, she has to just, oh my God, she's just so flustered and so nervous, but she

says, yes, right? She overplays the flustered and nervous by 13 fucking miles, by the way. Oh yeah. He sounds like an uns unsettled vampire, right? He's like, how about we get a bite, an official bite. And she's like a bite. And he's like a bite. Honestly, if he had grown fangs at the end of the scene,

I would've been like, okay. Oh, a bite. Also, right after she agrees to go on a date with him, he's like, you can call me Rodney. We're going on a date. And she's like, I really need to still call you bastard. And he's like, you can call me Rodney, we're going on a date and she's like, I really need to still call you pastor and he's like, oh, it's a king thing.

Okay, yeah, I mean, yeah, that's where he is. So that gets me in the door, sure. Yeah. And also important side note, this is gonna be a weird ass plot point later, as she leaves, the pastor secretary gives her a shitty look, right? Oh, oh, foreshadowing.

Yeah, that's very important because they're gonna add two and a half seconds to the movie. Yeah, later on about that look. Yep. All right, well, this movie has officially moved on to a plot about Sarah and Pastor Rod hooking up, so I need a minute to readjust, but first let me give it an act through the hard cell.

Isn't this a movie about the dead friend are we really done with that entire plot line why the hell would we kill her off then by now the answers to different questions because we're literally never gonna mention dead friend again we'll return for the mostly unrelated to conclusion of only god cam mm-hmm he did okay okay well as I've made it clear in a bunch of places, I do not know him that well. So yeah, well, I appreciate you checking in. Hey, Cara Eli, Jesus, why were you in my bathroom? Oh, I'm not allowed to use the one at our house before noon because

I ruined it for the rest of the day. Right. Horrifying. So listen, have you been using my name to try to audition for John Wick 4? Yes, yes I have, but enough about that. Did you get that picture of a pug I sent you? Which one? Any of them. He didn't text me back. Oh, yeah. My service is bad.

Oh. Well, then you should consider switching over to Mint Mobile. No, what are you doing here? Also, once Mint Mobile. I was making sure Eli used the actual bathroom instead of your walk-in closet. Appreciate that. I mean, who has a closet that big?

First time was on you, Cara. First time was on you. And Mint Mobile offers premium wireless service starting at just $15 a month. $15 a month? What's the catch? There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they're the first company to sell wireless service online only by cutting out retail stores. There's no crazy overhead costs that get passed down to you in the form of mystery fees. Instead, Mint just passes on sweet savings direct to

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at mintmobile.com slash gam. Awesome, thanks. All right, well, and I guess it's time to catch you up on some bug picks. So this is Little Pickles and she is so sassy. Just barking at the neighbors. Classic. But Treeshich, it's so wonderful to see you.

Well, of course, how could I not come? I mean, the children's hospital. Yes, he did such important work. Well, I've been meaning to ask you you didn't invite You guys remember that from the commercial now you're all too young well you'll get it when you're actually never mind never mind Do you have a coldly? Good to see you I Didn't know you were invited.

I was. I was actually in the hospital anyway. I saw you on my way out. Well, Koli, why were you in the hospital? I tried to fuck a fire hydrant again. Oh, Koli. What can I say, I like them sick. Koli, why don't we... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Kid dive. There is no God. And they're going to return to the void from when they came. Cole,

Cole, also, also can anyone give me a ride home? My car had the breath alive there and no, queeping on it doesn't work. It's Christmas, Cole. And we're back for still more of this shit and we're gonna rejoin the action with Pastor Rod

picking Sarah up for that big date at fucking 2pm or so based on where the sun is at the moment. Oh god, yeah, I forgot. This movie has like a whole other fucking subplot that's not necessary. It turns on into the entire goddamn plot before it's over. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they were doing a group project to write a movie. One person wrote a romantic comedy about the time she gave her pastor a hoed. One person wrote the beginning of a movie about how none of her college friends speak to her anymore. And one of them died way through the broad. So he was up to pick her up and she runs out to meet him and brings her two sons with

her. Oh, that we only see one of them weirdly. Right. She's like, I couldn't find a babysitter. Yeah. She surprises him that the kids are coming on the date. As though she thought they were just gonna fucking go to Buffalo Wild Wings and sit at a table for two while their kids are like, this land is going to listen. I don't get it. This was like, it was like a means to

surprise us as the audience, or if it was actually meant to surprise the pastor, but she's sitting there and they're talking to each other as if it's just the two of them and then her kid pops out of the back seat and goes, I want a hamburger! And you're like, Jesus Christ, where did he come from? Right, he popped into the scene like a fucking muppet on Sesame Street like, why are you just behind that the whole time?

But clearly this man came to her house to pick her up so he watched he witnessed her walk out of her house. Right with a kiss and hide behind the trash cans until he pulled up and why wouldn't he notice his own back doors opening? No I get it me and my wife travel with heath. This happens on a pretty regular basis. Can that be heath sketch phrase? I want a hamburger. Yes. I don't know where he is right now or what he's doing, but he just shouted yes in voluntarily. Yes. All right.

So, but then now apparently the reason that this scene exists is so that we can see what a good dad he would be, right? So because he's like, yeah, sure, I'll take you and your sons out on a date. If you read this, is him being a pedophile, by the way, this scene is like even creepier than the others. And by the way, is there any other way to read? Right. Come on. Not with that haircut. So he takes them over to his place where he can grill some burgers and he dads at him a whole bunch.

Oh, and she is fucking soaked when he teaches her kids how to meet. I mean, she needs a whole sundress chain. Yep. Yep. You like you should write. You should write romance. I've always said that. I've always said that.

Oh, you have not. I've always said that. I've always said that. Oh, you have not seen his Muppet Baby's fanfiction yet. Let me tell you, he already does. So meanwhile, Patrice is at her office poet banking. They have no idea what she does for a living. So some guys in there just yelling generic business words. I was so confused by this because I didn't hear.

I must not have been listening that closely when she referenced being a banker. I thought she was only a poet. And I was like, how does she have such a nice office? Yeah, right. She was from a big poetry firm in Manhattan. She says, She was from a big poetry firm in Manhattan. So big poetry. She turns desk next to her as Jay Jonah James and I need more rhyme for love, dammit.

50 rhymes for love on my desk by Monday morning. So but the point of this is that Patrice gets a call from Glenn. Glenn's internet boyfriend, who she's been emotionally cheating on her husband with, is coming to Charleston, and she's having the, give me permission to fuck this dude conversation with Patrice, right? And Patrice is awful to her.

Oh, and she's though. This is like not how friends are with each other. Like, none of these people are supportive of each other. My friends would never be this shitty. They would only care about what makes me happy. They would be like, it sounds to me like you're having a moral issue with this. What are the benefits? What are the negatives?

Let me help you work through this. Sure. But to be clear, Glenn has never once said she has a moral issue with any of this. She's like, I'm doing this shit. No, I'm just like, I deserve it. If you want to be a big fucking whore of this. She's like, I'm doing this shit. And I'll definitely, I deserve it. If you wanna be a big fucking whore. Yeah. I'm like, oh.

Well, and what's great is, in order for it not to cause a scandal, she needs Patrice to bring him as her date to this fundraiser thing. And Patrice is answering to that is, yes. I would love to, but I can't be seen with a white guy. I'm a black woman. I'm a black woman. I'm a black woman interested in social justice.

I can't have a white guy hanging off my arm. Literally fucking lying in this dumbass movie. It would ruin my credit. Also, I just realized just now that this whole event at the, they just, what, do they run out of money in the budget? Because they never reference it again. No. And it doesn't happen in the movie. Right.

Yeah. They talk about the, you're right. They talk about the entire movie. They talk about the big fundraiser for the women shelter. And we just end before that half. Yeah. We never see the women shelter. Nope.

And when Betree says no and gets judgy, Glenn tells her real quote, the Bible is just a book about white people trying to feel good about themselves. End quote. Okay, first of all, not white people. There's no white people. Dardling revelation about the person who made the truth. Not since fucking whatever her name Fox News lady said that Santa was white and they

show their cards quite so clearly. Megan Fox. No. What's her name? It's Megan Kelly, but I like that. She just got short. It's like, it's like Tim Apple, the area. Exactly.

Exactly. You know, that one. So, yeah, the one who they got rid of when the president got mad at it. Yeah, that's the one with the blood coming out of her whatever. Yeah But Patrice is like no, no, I've been reading the Bible it turns out It's all about social justice Is it oh she but not but not because because that's not social justice Like she goes on to describe colorblindness, which is the opposite of social justice. She literally says, it's not about color and race, it's

about forgiveness. God is the great equalizer, which is white supremacist nonsense. That is white supremacist rhetoric. Yeah, she says, God doesn't see race and I wrote in my notes. I mean, unless someone gets bonked on the head, then all of a sudden the timer starts depending on your race. So. Exactly. Oh my God.

Also, Petri's legit compares herself to God. She does. She's like, God wrote a book about white people and I write poems and ultimately we're grappling with the same issues. Yeah, me and Sarah and Rod are discussing the big grilling out date. There's so many of the scenes in this movie that start off with people discussing the last scene they were in. So many times. But this leads to Sarah asking him why he became a pastor.

Now the reason he became a pastor was because, yeah, you know, so we hear that story. Like they drag that out over six minutes. Yeah, there's an actual story. Why would you put this in your movie? You can write anything. You can write anything. You can have aliens in it if you wanted them. No, I literally wrote, you know, the hot priest plot line in Fleabag.

This is not that. This is not that. No, it's not. He ain't no Andrew Scott, baby. He ain't no Andrew Scott. Can you, literally, can you imagine dating someone like that? Just stop and think about what it would be like to be a fly on the wall in their house if they like were married.

And just exist it. Like I would just constantly be vomiting and stabbing myself in the eyes. The sex would be so boring, so boring. Imagine thinking that you have a good idea for what your job could be because it's based on feeling guilty about something when you were eight. Well, right. Okay. So let's actually dig into his boring ass story for just a second here. He had a life changing moment at eight years old because you know, when you're making your best decisions, really is eight. Yeah. That's why that's the age that Mormon say you should get mapped. Is it really?

Yeah, that's the age of consent according to a Mormon because you know child brides. What? So, okay, that's a good thing. Let's talk to him about phrasing after we get off this record. Okay. So, when he was eight years old, he stole some candy and then he went to church directly from stealing the candy. He stole candy on the way to church.

So it wasn't working. And then the pastor made him feel really guilty and scared. So he was terrified. He went up, he gave the candy back and that's when he knew he wanted to be a pastor. I really want to hear this story from the pastor side. He's like, so you know, I'm doing my usual thing. Anybody want to come up? This kid comes up, start sobbing, hands me a loose handful of runts. And then I don't know what the fuck to do with those, but I put it in my pocket. That guy's a pastor now. So I don't know, I guess it did something right. Well, and here's the fucked up thing too, is that he says the pep, but the, you know, I was expecting to get no kind of trouble

with the pastor forgave me. And I'm like, he's not the one you stole the fucking candy for. Nice. It is. It is. It is however the perfect metaphor for Christianity. Right. No, it's like I harmed another person and I just don't want to feel bad about it. And the pastor's like, poof magic.

Don't feel bad about it. He's like, yeah, I guess I could just stop feeling bad about it. Oh, she's the Sarah. Like, here's the story. She's like, wow, I really wish things had been that clear for me. But like, we're out. We're in 10 minutes into this movie. And I still don't even know the fucking plot.

So yeah, I don't have to ask rough. Oh, yeah. De Sarah not share her own story again, which is my life was a life. And then I was Christian. And then he's like, let me put that testimony in my mouth. Like, it's weird. Oh, and then she's like, why aren't you married? And he literally says the weirdest thing he goes,

I haven't married a woman yet. He's like, mm-hmm, wait, what? And I'm like, wait, what? What are you doing? I was like, oh. This movie caught my attention for a fraction of a second between that line and the next one. He meant that he was married to the church.

And then then her shitty kid comes out and he's like, mom, I'm thirsty. He's literally like 17 years old. We watch her go inside and pour him a glass of juice. It's the fucking saddest ending to a scene. Now, but right before that, though, we established it, because she's basically telling the pastor, what am I going to do with the rest of this fucking movie? And he says, you got to go bother your friends

and person about Christianity. So she's like, okay, cool. And then he agrees to watch the kids again. Again, if you read him as a pedophile, this is a horror movie. And that's how you should read it. Why do you keep saying if? Or he's just like the luckiest pedophile ever. Right. He's just talking to like the best streak this pedophile ever has. And then she trusted me with the kids again. I'm sure. Oh, God. I'm telling you. No. Yeah,

you're saying you got a lot of acid boneroo, but I'm telling you this lady trust me with her kids. Oh, Jesus. Okay. We can't in a row. So now it's like, I'm cutting you up. I'm calling, calling, calling quiet. Yeah. And much like, Kolea, chip myself. So yeah, we're all circle.

Oh, it's a, yeah. So she drives on to the end of the movie sort of first she goes to Atlanta to see Patrice. So the rest of the movie is her going to her various friends to Christianize him. Patrice is pretty much already there, right? So she doesn't have a lot of resistance. This is like, you know, she plays it on novice level first. I was going to say she goes from like levels right.

She goes from least difficult to most difficult. Right. So yeah, so she says, Hey, Pat hey Patrice how you do and Patrice is like I've been thinking about becoming Christian but I didn't have a Christian friend to come past to me about it is the problem and we learn the reason that Patrice hasn't been Christian this whole time is she wants fell in love with a white boy yeah yeah this is weird and she defied her family to love him, but then he wouldn't defy his family to love her. Yep. And that's why she hates whiteie. Yeah, why I don't, what is the point of that story? What are we supposed to gather from that? Oh, the point

is for a white person to write those words for. At one point, she's like, I brought him to my family. They did not care for him. I wanted her to be like, you know the type, huh? The osses. Yeah. You know how we can be. Yeah. Real judging. I did literally right. Yeah. I did literally right. Okay. I'm just now realizing this movie is really a white supremacist. Tamed the black beast movie. I'll dress up. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I wrote in my notes. My family hated them because you know how racist black people are. Yeah. Yeah. But that is why she's been unable to trust white men, including Jesus.

The whitest man of all. Right. And then Sarah explains that sometimes God sent you a flandering white guy. Sometimes he kills your friend in the car accident. He's wacky and pretries to say, right, wacky, get it. How do I Jesus from here? And she's like, why don't you drive? She lives in fucking Atlanta.

She's like, why don't you drive to Charleston, South Carolina to get baptized? Oh, yeah, that's weird. That's quite an ass. That's a big. I can drive. Yeah. She's like, this weekend, sure. Cool. Oh, yeah, you know, I was not doing anything free. Yeah, I could do that

All right, so with pretries official I feel like she got cocky at this point Sarah did that one was so easy She's like, you know what? I'm going straight to fucking coley straight to coley So she cranks the difficulty setting all the way up goes to see coley and Okay, we barely mentioned Grady, the driver, as a character. I just want to point out that Grady has a different bizarre accent every time we see him. Really? He will be an Irish immigrant, like understudying Daniel Day Lewis at the beginning of the movie.

He's like, he's Carl the Puck of Pagocorn at this point in the movie. Kevin Spacey and Midnight in the garden. Good and evil at a certain point. Yeah, it's just he's all over the fucking map. But so he lets Sarah go up to talk to Coli. Coli's in bed sick. I love this moment. She's like, I'm sick. I have a fever. That's why I'm in bed. Sarah goes, you aren't sick. What? How the fuck would you write that? And Cole is like, hey, you got me, I'm not. Well, right, yeah, I know. Yeah, because it's them writing the movie, but how fucked up is it if she's just like, no, like I'm serious, I run in a temperature of 103.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with this? See you next week. But no, no, she did it. She's like, ah, you're right. And COVID's not real. Anthony Fauci made it up because AIDS didn't kill enough people. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got me. You got me.

Right. Yeah. So she's like, you got to do something about being a drunk. And she's like, yeah, I went to a couple of AA meetings. They don't seem to be working to which Sarah says, well, how about we go to church instead of AA? And I'm like, wow, I guess a good get worse. Good.

It's like AA, but with less useful stuff in community. And the only thing I wrote for this whole scene was be strong. Callie don't fall hard. She's my last hope, you got it. Yeah, right, right. And we think so far, we think she's not going to because she's literally like, fuck you get out of my room Right, so she's just kind of laughing along with it and everything

I just I'm loving Koli more and more the whole time You know, so there's like you know, all things are possible with God. She's like yeah, not Getting me to turn Christian though But Sarah leaves with Koli insufficiently Christianized, you know, that doesn't bowed well for her in the Christian movie. But then we cut the glen's house where. Okay, this is so delightful early on in this movie I was scrolling through the IMDB page to look up some information on one of the actors and I noticed that there was a person listed as FBI agent to. listed as FBI agent two. And the entire fucking movie I'm thinking to myself, how the fuck does the FBI get involved here? Coley just opens up a giant suitcase of cocaine. I got y'all different gifts this year.

So, so an FBI agent is showing up to talk to Glenn's mom. This is so sloppy. That's so bad. He explains that the guy she's been flirting with online is a secret international con artist under investigation by the FBI. I can tell a lot of people about the investigations they're doing randomly. Unfortunately. Yeah, they give a lot of detail. And you can kind of see the tape peeling off their shirt where they've covered up the

male body. And that's the panor. Her inspector. So they explain that her internet boyfriend is a con artist and she should not date him. That's it. We have like tells her to the mom. To the mom.

Who could have been anyone? They don't like, I figure out her. I did. They're not like, ma'am can we see some ID? No. No. They're like, is what's her name here? And she's like, no.

And they're like, well, all right. Well, then we guess we'll fucking tell you. The, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, I really doesn't matter who has our information. I don't know if you've heard any citation needed episodes, but we are not doing the work. Here's your daughter, social security number and credit card. Last four digits are paying their annuals.

So they leave. Glenn gets home. Oh, we get a very brief scene of coley getting to a bar to drink alcohol so that we know that the Christianity didn't stick. Oh, right. She has a vodka straight up. Yeah. We've seen of Kohli get into a bar to drink alcohol so that we know that the Christianity didn't stick. Oh right. She has a vodka straight up. Yeah.

Oh yeah. She's like, you know, I don't like ice. Like what? Like I'm a real alcoholic. It's supposed to be like a charming riparté like a bartender, one poison, please. So then we get Glenn getting home and her mom tells her off about the FBI agents, you know, and she makes fun of her for being dumb enough to fall for a con artist. This is the meanest scene in any movie.

I think I've ever seen, like she's legit. She's like, you are stupid. Exactly. And lonely. You deserve nothing How could you have fallen for this only a weak piece of shit daughter and you're like whoa this woman is a beautiful and and I don't know that the movie thinks this woman is in the wrong I think you're right. She never has a moment where she's like I shouldn't do this

We will just hear at the very end of the movie sitting in the church. Happy. I think maybe this is supposed to be like a, her getting what's good. Right. Like, like a good mom, like putting, like laying down the law to her daughter who's just been running loose. Yeah. Exactly.

Now, pop question. How much would you love this movie if she had straight up punched her mom in the face? I mean, I thought she was about to say at the end of it, she goes, mom, just once I wish you, and then she pauses for a long time and I wrote my nose, die of a heart attack, die of a heart attack. Just what's just what? What's she eventually says is shut up. And I'm like, Oh, that's all she says. then she walks away. Yep, like that was it. I said mean her stuff about her mom in our fucking podcast. Wait, mean her.

So yeah, and so she runs off and she's like, where you go? And she's like, to the next scene, and it turns out to the next scene, is her going to see Sarah and Pastor Rod at the mega church? Yeah. Oh my God. And this is, this is the scene where Pastor Rod does the Ray church. Yeah. Oh my God. And this is, this is the scene where Pastor Rod does the Ray Comfort impersonation. He does. He goes, I wrote my notes.

He's going full Ray Comfort. And then I was like, Oh, I bet Eli's got that niz. I've never deliberately sinned and he goes, well, have you ever told a lie? And I'm like, oh, really? Really? He's like, have you ever used the Lord's name in vain? I'm like, he's not going to go to the lust. He's like, if you look at someone with lust, you're as if it gets full. Right. If he unzipped himself and binrayed Cooper in that suit, that's the only way that could

have been better in that scene. Oh, I have weird things I get excited about. That's the only way that could have been better in that scene. I have weird things I get excited about. That's what I realized at that moment when I was like standing up ready to do the wave at this little polygenic. It's also worth noting that like the belief versus works philosophy is core to conservative rejection of helping others. Like, it's built into their theology that holding the Bible is more important of helping others. Like it's built into their theology

that holding the Bible is more important than helping people. Yeah. And when you look at it that way, it explains a lot that's going on in the world today. Abtoneth, though. This is fucking loot-ly. Well, and what I love so much about this apologetic is that it's so bad for them, right?

Because at the end of it, she's like, yeah, man, I've lied and I've used the Lord's name in many. He's like, well, that you're a sinner. And she's like, but everybody does those things. And then he goes into the, you know, which is why Jesus had to die for our sins. But like, if your moral code has everyone in moral, your moral code is useless.

Right. True, yeah, true. You need to find as dirty all things. Right. If that's clean, nobody. you find as clean? Nobody. Your definition doesn't work, then it's a useless turf. But in their fucking stupid ass movies,

she's like, oh right, we are all sinners in the eye of God. Vitt can steam walks in holding a buggy. He's like, not if that makes any sense. I'm gonna say you've been really bullshit. Any of these people have ever taken a philosophy class. Come on. No, the professor greeted everyone. They were like, I won't write a hate God on a piece of paper and then they stormed out. And then he goes, I wasn't going to, you know what?

I'm glad. Okay. You're gone. Yeah. No, this, okay, this is an actual lie speaking of the whole faith over works thing. This is an actual quote from the movie, The pastor says it, because she's like, but I'm a good person. I run a woman shelter.

Literally everything we've seen me do in this movie has been like for other people, except flirting with the con artist guy. And the pastor says, and I quote, being good is good. It's great. But what we're really talking about here is faith in Jesus Christ.

Okay. That is the movie's thesis. Right. Yep. That's a it's close. Near as anything else, that's what this movie is about. Yep. Don't let all your good deeds get in the way of your belief in Jesus Christ. Exactly. This movie.

So Glenn says, you know what? I will think about being Christian. And Sarah says, again, I quote, don't just think about it. Pray about it. I'm like, yeah, thinking it's not going to do the trick. But I'm like, yeah, thinking it's not going to do the trick. Wishing in your head way better. That's going to work out way better for the Christians.

And then they're trying to talk Glenn into, they're given to the hard sell. They're like, no, no, if you walk out of here today, the price of your salvation goes up by 25%. I can only offer this deal until the end of the, to close a business tonight, right? Let me tell you what, let me go in the back of talking on it. You said discount on that undercoding. Yeah. So, but Glenn says, wait, wait, I was baptized as a kid. Does that still count? And Rod goes, no, no, no, it doesn't. Oh, yeah, this was like a new one for me.

Yeah, it's a new one for Christianity too, because it's supposed to fucking count. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, that was your parents baptizing you for them. Right. Committing to raising you in the faith. Yeah. Because your parents baptizing you for them. Right, committing to raising you in the faith. Yeah, but now you need to do it. And I'm like, oh, so this way they can get like a double baptism fiat of all of their patrons.

Yeah, and it's like, no, no, let me explain. That baptism thing when you were a baby, that was just so that we could tell certain people their baby was in hell. This baptism, that's the real one. This is the one that they count. Yeah. Again, my manager, he has to go to lunch in a couple of minutes. So if we could lock this down before that, I need a signature.

Well, and then, and then Glenn says, I get, and I'm sorry to quote the fucking movie so many times in a row, but Glenn says, please help me with my lack of faith to them. And they all pray together. Now, this is when the movie reveals itself to be this very weird kind of evangelical porn that we've seen so much of that and I'm assuming that Kara has not seen so much. When you're an evangelical Christian or a missionary, what you're used to is talking about your religion, people telling you to fuck off and never wanting to talk to you again.

So this is one of the many little porn fantasies they have about, but what if one time it worked though? Right, right. The whole point of this movie is to have your haughty friend who thinks it's good enough that she runs a woman's shelter, actually say to you, vicariously, through Sarah, help me with my lack of faith. Yes, in those actual words.

Yep. And I just want to be fair to porn here. Like someone's probably blown up pizza guy. I don't think it's fair to compare the goals of porn. Okay. No, you're right. You're right. I'm giving porn a bad name.

I'm saying very mean things about porn there. All right. So now we cut the coley being loaded in an ambulance because of her alcohol overdose. Or I guess she had taken pills too. Yeah, Noah, do you have any fun facts about this scene? I don't know that they need to be, yeah, actually, so the actor who played Sarah, the main character, she actually died in February of this year

from a complications from chronic alcoholism. So this is some serious shit, guys. Are you serious'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I's like, I'm talking to myself. Right, it's the perfect metaphor for Christianity. That is like the darkest shit. Yeah, I know. Oh my God. I wrote it in my nose. I wasn't really sure about saying it on the show, but he like hopes that out of me.

No, that's like really dark. Right. Wow, why did she take this job? It's funny though, if you think about it. You got to really think about it. Yeah. Eli, you're such a piece of cause her daughter did an Instagram post about it. It's been funny. You guys got to see it from the right. All right. All right.

Moving right along. So terror facing theory. I win. This is way better than my note, which is she's one of those people, the kind that they're phone ringers on. Yeah. So Sarah and Pastor Rod are chatting about their last scene together when she gets to call from about coley having OD on on pilts, right? So the pastor's like, don't worry, the writers aren't going to kill off two of your friends in the same fucking movie, right? That'd be repetitive at this point. Let's go to the hospital. I'm sure it'll be fine. So we go to the hospital. Rod Sarah Patrice Glen and no fucking body

else is in the waiting room waiting for her. Oh, you're right. Yep, yep. The doctor comes in and says, are you guys family? And they all say yes. And of course that's supposed to be funny because Patrice is black. How could she be in their family?

Literally as they play that for a fucking joke. Mm-hmm. And then the doctor's like, okay, well, you guys just be in their family literally as they play that for a fucking joke? And then the doctor's like, okay, well, you guys just said you are family. I guess I can release all of her medical information to you. Let me tell you how many pills she took in her suicide attempts. Yeah. Yeah, that was weird too, because he said he found them in her. Yeah. He didn't say where.

Yeah, he wasn't like, this is just so stupid. Was it 30 pills? I. He was at 30 pills. I'm trying to remember 30 pills. He wasn't like we found an empty bottle that had that should have had 30 pills. He was like, opened her up, saw 30 pills. Yeah, we counted them on top. See? People don't do exploratory surgery out of an alcohol overdose.

But I'm a doctor who lives on the edge. Get like a fucking deer. Somebody just shot like, look at all the grass in her stomach. Like what? Also she had shrimp for lunch just so you guys know that. That's so weird. So yeah, he says the doctors like,

you know, we're going to keep her here. She's going to need some psychological help. And Sarah looks at him like, I think you're underestimating the power of Jesus. Jesus, well, can we come see her? And he's like, all right, but only two at a time and only for five minutes. I'm like, okay, that's fucking weird.

And Sarah and Rod, go first. She does not know Rod. She also doesn't really like saying no, right? I think the friend who she's least close with and her not boyfriend should talk to her best. That's so fucking weird. So they go out back to see her. I love that we linger on Patrice and Glenn for just a second.

So Patrice can go like, I hear you're getting baptized and Glenn's like, yeah, I hear you're getting baptized. She's like, I hear you're getting baptized. And I'm glad it's like, yeah, I hear you're getting baptized. She's like, yeah. Well, the only thing I could think of was that Cole was going to get sponge-bapt. I'd watch it. I'd watch it. I'd watch it. I can't. It was so funny to be while I was watching this.

Like three in the morning. All right. So. All right. So. All right. So we follow Sarah and Pastor Rod back. Colisean bed again, you know, because she's lazy. And I so wanted Sarah to give her the same. You're not really sick of ocean. Come on. With the IV in her hand. Still thinking that fever thing. Gosh, Colise. So okay. So but Colise, like, no offense, Sarah, but can you leave me alone with your boyfriend

and Sarah's like, oh, yeah, I so wanted her to blow the pastor. Yeah. Come here, honey. Let Koli show you a thing or two. And Sarah's like into it too. She's like, yeah, get the spirit. Yeah, it's a rear end. So Pastor Rodden, Koli, have there like come to Jesus moment, right? Like because apparently, you know, Sarah couldn't quite make a Christian out of her. She has to tag

in a professional, right? Right. And Coli's just down to, she doesn't give a shit. But what I love is that during this like heartfelt exchange where Pastor Rod is like describing his own drunken mother who like ruined his life and coley's crying like I don't want that to be me. Somebody flushed a toilet. Like the kids fucking loud and in the most intense part of the list. Like he's literally like and she died alone and a Person wasn't like can we oh man I just took a giant shit. Let me tell you that all right now that we shoot this fucking scene for this movie Nobody go in there because I just took a shit in there Now why don't we make a movie. Yeah, so he gives us this whole you remind me of my pathetic alcoholic dead mom speech. He's like,

but don't worry, it's not too late for you. I brought you a Bible. Yeah. Um, and he says, he goes, this is again admitting what bullshit they're thinking. He says that you don't have to read the whole thing. I'm like, it would be, it's like 70 hours to read the fucking Bible. Maybe a little more than that. Like, it's the word of fucking God according to you because why would you not read the whole God damn thing? That's what I was gonna say.

It's like, why would you not read the whole of the word of God? Because he's literally like, you don't actually have to love God. You just have to cheat and lie about it. You let him know the difference. Let us see you looking at it time to time. Yeah. And then just raise your hand up at church

and say, I accept Jesus into my heart. And literally, you could be a kiddie fiddler. It doesn't matter. They don't care about me being a kiddie fiddler. It does not matter. We have figured out the system. They don't care about me being a kitty Fiddler. It does not matter. We have figured out the system. But the thing that bothers me the most about the scene and I shouldn't even have to say this is that literally not a single person in this movie has the empathy to realize that Koli is legitimately sick and needs help. Yeah. Like she needs therapy. Not Jesus. Exactly.

And it's all the sadder when you think about how common this exact scenario is is when people genuinely need therapy and get Christianity instead. Yeah. Okay, so now we're done with the hospital. She's cured. Kolea is cured. She has a Bible in her hand and loves Jesus and she's going to get baptized now. We're done.

Don't worry, there's no such thing as withdrawal with alcohol. No, it's only dangerous. So yeah, she'll be fine. No recidivism or anything like that. No, she's got Jesus. That she'll be fine. So much so that we're literally done with that plot line, but we have to add a new one.

Yeah, like in the last 10 minutes of the book, I don't get this. This is so fucking insane. My only theory is that this scene was supposed to be thanks so much for watching the kids. No problem. And this actress was just like, I want you to know that I told a bunch of other churches that you in the pastor dating and I'm sorry that I crossed you because we're best friends who grew up in elementary school together until you killed my cat misty.

It's so weird. I think, okay. So she starts talking about like she says, I have a confession to make to you Sarah. When I saw you with Pastor Rod, who I have a crush on, I got very jealous. And I'm like, Oh my God, please tell me she poisoned coldly to get revenge against Sarah. And she's the one that ran grace you off the road at the beginning. But no, by she, by the way, not I don't think either of you have said who she is.

Oh, right. Yeah. No, she is Daisy, the church secretary who's super gossipy and always giving everybody side eye. Yeah. The one that gave her the dirty look earlier. We had you put a pin in that. Remember.

Yeah. But no, the entire thing is I called some other churches and I dropped some rumors about the two of you being very close. Is that what she was admitting to? I thought she called like the head pastor to get pastor Rod fired. That's why I was so concerned that like not cons I wasn't actually concerned. I don't give two shit. But that's why I was so concerned that like not concerned. I wasn't actually concerned. I don't give two shit. But that's why I was so confused. I was temporarily involved in this movie for a second. That nothing comes of this scene. So that may be the case.

I honestly couldn't, you know, I, the whole thing in my notes is, what is the goddamn conflict here? I don't understand. It's a weird and unnecessary scene and also Daisy looks like she murder Sarah. Yes. Offense.

Yep. So, okay. So, everybody goes to the church for the big baptism. There's this moment where like, I guess what we're supposed to think now and I only know this in retrospect is that Sarah assumes that the pastor wants to break up with her now, but the pastor wants to propose up with her now, but the pastor wants to propose to her now. Classic.

Yeah, they never make explicit. Why? Oh, I see. So, okay. Here's the line of reasoning. Daisy tells Sarah, I saw that you guys were canoodling. I tattle tailed on you. Sarah's like shit.

That must have gotten back to the pastor. His dick got soft and now he wants to break up with me. Right. Okay. And so when she runs into the, and you know it's a creepy mega church, because he's wearing the fucking creepy little head, head phone like my phone thing. It's like tape to his face that just, oh, it makes him extra pedo-y. And she's like walking past him to be on stage for, by the way, literally no reason. She does nothing at all. It just stands there and a very, very short dress shaking back and forth occasionally.

Yes. Behind a microphone that she never uses. Yep. It's really weird. Nothing. She doesn't sing. She doesn't offer testimony. Nothing.

Yeah. And he's going like Sarah Hey, I got a talk to you. I want to talk to you and she's like fuck off. I know what this is about That's the scene the longer I won't talk to you the longer word technically not broken up But the all the I need to talk you, should eventually culminates in the pastor. Whisper proposing to her, but just as the music ends and everyone can hear it. Yeah, which is weird. It's weird that their church music ends with a record scratch, but it does work for the

movie. Why the fuck would you be trying to whisper your proposal to someone? Yeah. You think they're going to get married before the fucking service is over? You be trying to whisper your proposal to someone. Yeah. You think they're gonna get married before the fucking service is over? You're gonna miss your window? Yeah, it's like, it's one of two things.

Either he's gonna do it intentionally on stage, which is the fucking... Whoa. P.S.A. right now, any mother fuckers out there who think it's a good idea to propose in public in front of a live studio audience. It's not. No. It's never a good idea. That's always a terrible idea that will ruin her life. Oh, I disagree. I disagree. You should propose in the most embarrassing and horrible way possible. Bring her to a dinner theater in Bale, New Jersey.

Right. Wait until someone else is proposing an interrupt to propose. That's fucking forever, right? Everyone went to our first date spot and he pulled in his shaman and no one's going to be like, I was having really bad diarrhea and he kicked open the door and proposed. So think about it, people. All right. No, that's a good one. No, because you have some privacy there.

No, honestly, everyone should say no to every public proposal and tell people learn not to do that shit that's fucking awful. But the way this movie plays out, of course, she says, yes, the crowd erupts. It's not scandalous anymore. It's just, it's all, yeah, all her weirdly wet friends run out from back. Yeah, exactly. To give her wet baptized hugs and spirits dripping all over them. The fucking disgusting and pornographic.

I hate this movie so much. I was going to say you should start writing the porn with me. Yeah, I was good there at the end. Yeah, the good news though is that it is over. We made it. Cara, thank you so much for hanging out with us through this shit fest. And one more time, just in case we have very forgetful

Memento style listeners, can you remind our audience the best place to go to find more of Cara Santa Maria? Okay, it's a really tough one. It's Cara Santa Maria dot com com aka I love skin books. All right. Well, well, that's going to do it for our review of only God. Again, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, no, we're going to be joined by Jessica from over at the friendly

atheist to review the 1968 educational film, a teenage conflict. It's about how Richard Feynman can go fuck himself, smart people all believe in Jesus. It's exactly what it's about, too. Alright, so with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 313 to a merciful close. Once I get a huge thanks to Kara and perhaps who can huge your thanks to all the Patreon Dodgers that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among there, I actually can make a pre-episode of patreon.com. So I've got off when they're by your own early access to an ad free version of every

episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, skating a, the Sitation A to D and D minus, and the Skype to Grad available wherever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments for cinematic suggestions, you can email GodoffFamilies.gmail.com. Leave us your services for the spot cast. Subscribe by the love, this is a P. Andrew, Tora, Tim Robbins, and take us here on our social

media. Our theme song was written in form by Ryan Slotting, we've got drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with And then the storm of the century struck Charleston. Everyone died. Nobody gave a fuck. Patrice went on to realize that all lives did, man. Jesus Christ! Pastor Hotrod molested the shit out of those kids. Yeah. Yeah, we saw that coming. Yeah. Yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021, all right, reserved.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021, all rights reserved.