God Awful Movies - 316: The Work and the Glory

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

This week, Shannon Grover and Bryce Blankenagel join us for an atheist review of The Work and the Glory, the story of some people getting conned by Joseph Smith so good that people making a movie about it 200 years later still don't realize it was a con. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Here more from Shannon and Bryce on The Glassbox Podcast and Naked Mormonism Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

This week's episode of Sponsored by BetterHelp. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have, life can be pretty damn hard, and without a healthy mind it's even harder. Check out online therapy with betterhelp.com slash awful and be on your way to a little more ease. Yeah, but Ma talks about it. She's like, oh come on, it's Easter morning. Don't kill your son on Easter morning. He's like, alright, it's only because you brought talks about it. She's like, oh come on, it's Easter morning. Don't kill your son on Easter morning

He's like, all right, it's only because you brought me into it. You're supposed to do it two days ago You didn't get that shit on Friday. You just don't get it shit God awful Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we somehow can't help it. I'm your host, no illusions. Unfortunately, Heath can't join us this week because he's still in the past, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm wearing moon boots, Noah.

Are you? I mean, I could be. I could be. I was recording this in the future. Oh, I see. I think of moon boots as a thing from the past since that's when people wore moon boots, but all right. This podcast needs to be quick. I am hanging upside down. Oh no. So also joining us today is our soup-centred expert from the Naked Mormonism podcast among others. Bryce Blank, and I go, Bryce, it must be Mormon movie month. Welcome back.

Fantastic to be here. And fantastic to smell my smells. I've just given into it. You know what? I can't fight this anymore. You got to embrace the soup smells good. At least it was a good thing. It's okay to smell like soup. It's okay, Bryce. Exactly. Bryce, after a year of trapped in New Jersey, I can't wait to be drugged by you before I last. Every night for a judge, my friend. Electally. I can't wait to drug you again.

Awesome. And also joining us, you may have detected another laugh for a God off of movies. debut as prices co-host on the glass box podcast and another genuine ex Mo Shannon Grover Shannon. Welcome to God off of movies. Hi, I'm over here trying not to fan girl all over the place here. Sorry, I'll do my best. I feel that way about Bryce too.

Yeah, I know. I feel that way about Heath, but luckily he's not here. So that's why we have a key up to two of you guys separated. We know one happened last time. You drugged Eli and tried to get him out of the way. It was the whole thing. It was all the fun. It was a whole thing. Yeah. Allegedly. I haven't talked with Andrew. All right. So distract us from that and tell us price. What will we be breaking down today?

We watched the work and the glory, which is a historical fantasy movie, which includes a lot of work and absolutely no glory. Well, there you go. Yeah. It's weird that most of the work was on us, you know, the audience. And most of that work was what is going on? Yeah. Yeah. The entire movie is about people picking things up and we did all the heavy lifting. It's crazy. So, Eli, how bad was this movie? We did all the heavy lifting. It's crazy. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love watching someone lose it,

three card money, but you wish the guy tossing the cards, talked more about how everyone is bigoted against three card money, throwers. No, I love this movie. It's a con-air, my grievances. Okay. All right, and we have extra guests. I have to come up with extra questions. So here's one Shannon. How Mormon was this movie? Let me see. Let me see. Okay. Look through the checklist. The bad guys drink alcohol check. Yes. Good guy beards are under the chin. Yes.

Joey's story gets repeated 27,000 times Check, women only get to think for themselves when is what their men says to think double check. Yeah, it's it's 100% Diagnol Mormon. Okay. Yeah, no, I think the movie was boring expensive and entirely lacking in diversity So I thought I was set. Yeah, I'm there. I didn't want to pursue All right, so so now like in my experience Which is depress large. We've done a lot of Mormon movie months at this point. Mormons have four stories, right? The actual book of Mormon, which is terrible. I was near Joseph Smith once and I nearly came, which is terrible. I'm on a mission and I'm desperately trying to maintain my faith despite my religion being so obviously wrong

and Saturday's warrior. Uh, this movie plus of the second type. Yes, it was. Oh, my. So is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for me and the best to be the worst at best. Worst tree stump removal. You have so much of that in your notes.

Jesus. Why to find out how to do it right. I mean, how hard would it be? This production company is based in Salt Lake City, Utah. They go to God to the Utah Pioneer Museum and see an actual equipment from the actual fucking time period. I mean, they kind of gone to the Wheeler Farm to see the equipment.

There. OK, all right, we'll get to it. This has been all week for me. Oh, I'm week. I'm here to share. It's rance about the tree stuff removal. It is a remarkable experience. I never see the word tree stump in so many, so many places in the North. That's pretty amazing. So that really got under your skin in a way that I got to say I was, I'm surprised. I saw your notes first and watched the movie expected it to be a much bigger part of the film. Hey, hey, it was a big part of the film. My husband is a Horticulturist who has over 20 years experience working with trees. I forced him to watch that scene. And then he asked me for divorce. Yeah, ruined the marriage.

This would not that would not be the first marriage that this show is ruined. Actually, so, okay. I was going to go with best worst old time, you words, right? Okay. Cause like there are certain archaic turns of raised at Mormons expect to hear in their movies. You're like, like Joseph Smith didn't see two persons, two people. He saw two personages, right, in the clearing. But like other than those specific phrases, all the characters just speak normal contemporary English. So it's like they keep forgetting they're in a period piece and there's a guy waving his arms off screen or something about it. Come on. Little house on the prairie.

We talked about this. Come on guys. What a kill you to throw in a Z. The Book of Mormon was not the script writer for this show. I had the best worst high stakes extreme sports. We're going to get into this and probably spend a little bit too much time on if it if I'm honest, but there's a really steamy scene where the antagonist challenges Joseph Smith to a friendly little game, but the honor of an entire family rests

on the outcome of this challenge. It is epic. Yeah. We'll get to it when we review the movie, but I've jerked off other dudes with less intensity. One on one sport thing. Pretty important. Add less homoaroticism in some way. Add less homoaroticism. I was just being neighborly. Oh my God. And I'm going to go with best worst bad guy mockery. Now look, we've had some amazing bad guy mockery on God awful movies. Thanks to the fact that Christian cinema doesn't let its actors swear. But in this movie, all the bad guys will do is say, the beliefs of the Mormon religion and that will make them the villains. Right. Yes. I mean, they'll say I'm smeary, but yeah, that's all they ever say. Steary with beards.

Well, right. Yeah. Unkempt beards, yeah. And dirty teeth. I was trying to really figure out, was the director even self-aware on this? I mean, was he very aware at all of what he was actually doing? Right. Yeah, I don't know.

All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've got a lot of history to ignore on the other side of this break. So we're going to keep it brief. When we come back, we'll dive into all the tedious family drama that is The Work and the Glory. May listen to what are you doing in this ad? You're not in this episode.

It's a good ahead, Noah. We're all in it, and we all aren't. Oh, that's deep. But I'm here to talk to you about something you don't think about often enough. Mouthwash. Yeah, I guess a lot of people don't think about mouthwash, but wait a second, you mean me specifically? Mouthwash is the perfect finishing touch to a complete oral care routine, but those huge bulky containers take up way too much room on the countertop. And that's why the folks who have right-quip the makers of the electric

toothbrush and floss we rave about all the time, lunch to new mouthwash to help you complete your clean. Plus it comes with a refillable dispenser that's delightful to use and sleek enough to fit on any bathroom counter. And kind of kind of cabbages, yes. That's right Noah, it is. But quip mouthwash kills bad breath germs, helps prevent cavities, and leaves you feeling fresh thanks to a formula that gives your mouth everything it needs and nothing it doesn't. Therefore times concentrate has fluoride, zyletal, and CPC, but they left out the artificial

colors and sting the alcohol you'll find in a lot of other rinses. And Quips for Filipe Mouthwash isn't just good for your mouth, it's good for the planet. With a four times concentrated formula, Quips ships less water, and more good for you ingredients. Each eco-friendly refill replaces a big bokey 470 millilitre bottle from one of those other brands once diluted. And Quips refill bottles are made from 100% recycled plastic. Huh, I'm honestly just one great offer away from trying this out. Well, if you go to getquip.com slash off of 5 right now, you can get $5 off a mouthwash

starter kit. That's $5 off a mouthwash starter kit which includes a refillable dispenser and a 90-dose supply of quips four times concentrated formula at get quip.com slash awful 5. Spelled G-E-T-Q-I-P dot com slash awful 5. Quit the good habits company. Alright everybody, it's time to get to work on our big historical epic about the life and time of Joseph Smith. Now, of course, keep in mind, we're aiming for three movies here. So let's really capture the grandeur of the prophet, you know, so especially in this first one, his origins in Palmyra,

New York. Oh, what's the what what oh? It's just that his origins on Palmyra are that like literally everyone hated him and was either conned by him or knew he was a con man. Right. Well, we could tell the story of the people he conned then, right? Yeah, yeah, we could. It's just that pretty much everyone he conned eventually testified very openly that he was a con man and that they lied to help him. So I just think if we're going to make a big historical. Okay, okay. Alright, fine. Fine. I'll tell you what, we'll just stick to the part where they don't find out he's a big con man and

hate him yet. That's like three years. Well, less actually. Okay. Yeah, if you count the whole thing. So less of an epic historical drama and more of like a movie about people who meet Joseph Smith and like, you know, he seems nice at first.

Yeah, I guess that works. Yeah, it's like act one, the movie. Right, exactly, exactly, like at one the movie. Exactly, exactly. Act one of the movie. All right, who's up for some marshmallow squares? Oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, for the breakdown. And we're gonna open up hovering over the cat skills back in 1826. How long does it take for me to doubt this movie's authenticity? Well, it's rated PG for drug use, foul language, sexual content and violence.

I'm like, no fucking way. No. No. If we get one of those four, I'll be surprised. I was like, are we gonna have MSC catching Joseph with Fanny Alger in there? Are we gonna find Joey doing shrew? Well, right, yeah, whatever the fuck he was eating

when he had those visions in the woods, yeah, there you go. Oh, see, that's the version of God off of movies where Noah's defending Joseph Smith, he's just like, look, he found him, they're in. You guys are assholes, this joke I might have been on to something, I'm receiving all of them. All right, so we joined a family that's headed for Vermont to Pell Myron, New York. Why? Okay. And no, my question wasn't why. My first question was what in the hell is a rock farmer? You like plant them as little

pebbles and mature them and water them and hopefully the one day grow up and to be a seer stone. How does this work? It was a big great pets, they make great pets. But yeah, and also we have a narrator here who is the, the eldest daughter of this family that's moving from Vermont. There is no fucking reason for her to be the narrator, right? She will barely be a character.

This is Melissa. I am in this movie as much as Melissa. But she doesn't want to move. She has the big gaw, kind of moment about moving, but they move because she's a woman. It's 1826. What the fuck is she going to do? So my appearance note for the dad is he looks like the love child of Liam Neeson's and Harrison Ford and he's just running around the town.

The Mormons, it took my wife. I've got a certain set of skills to get my daughter back from Joey. So yeah. So we get the work of the glory title card and then we do the old timey covered wagon, go west, young man, but not that far west, just a little scooch, little snotch west. What I love about this is that this is an upstate New York montage, a.k.a. this is the best we can make this part of the country look and we probably didn't even shoot it here. No, they shot it in Tennessee.

Yeah, I'll do that. Oh, Eli and Heath's hometown where we have trees. End of list, please move on. Yes, please. What I got bugged at is they ripped out the music from Silorado for this. Yeah, it's like that's just rude. It's a better movie.

Well, so let's have everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. But this scene is kind of interesting, though, because it just starts out in Mr. Steve, Papa Nesans, he's sharpening an axe. And there's this ominous yelling from the woods, Mr. Steve, Mr. Steve. And my thought was like, you changed the background music

and this is a completely different movie. Right? I mean, turns out it was just his family like to follow him for Vermont, but like, I kinda am like in the way that it could have gone. It's so weird because like throughout this movie, like you keep expecting something to happen and it doesn't because nothing ever fucking happens

in this movie. So you keep thinking like, oh, this is the scene where they found this family murdered. The edge of the note, just as they just got there. They just got there. Like, mom, we made it from the end of the montage. Okay, great. Well, and what I love about this movie,

and I think this is a nice framing to put on this entire film, is that this is basically the first idiot Joseph Smith conned the three movie epic, right? This is the patient zero of the Joseph Smith play. Yes. Yes. And like, look, the actual historicity of this, which Bryce could go into much better, is

just like, I don't know, we were fucking rock farmers. And Joseph Smith was like, you guys want to join my religion? And we were like, sure, man, everyone dies at 30 fucking two. And now they have to make the Lord of the rings out of that. So they'll take their dramatic tension. We're the fuck they can get it. I didn't know who those people were for a second. Oh, but this is also where we meet Martin Harris, right? Oh, and Martin Harris, he looks like everybody's drunk uncle mashed together in some kind of upside down universe.

I'm just calling him Uncle Furn the whole time. Okay. All right. I thought he was actually a really good choice because his eyes in particular, just have that look of, I am too easily convinced about every little fucking thing you say to me and so yeah, I'm the perfect foil

for Joseph Smith. I will do whatever the hell you want. Tell me where to bend over when and I'm set. Well, that's what I love. Martin Harris is that weird friend of your dads who wandered into your home every three months, being like, I bought a bunch of Kiwi fruit and you can have it for $500. Yep.

And let's get right. That is exactly who Martin Harris was and who he will be in the film. So I was loving him. Yeah. I was loving him. Yeah, not so smarty-mighty. Yeah, there we are. That's him.

All right. So they find their way to their new property and Pell Myron. And then they fucking chopped trees to their new property and palmyra and then they fucking chop trees to steal guitar for a few seconds. And seriously, they should have had warning to headphone users here. I would have appreciated that. Oh, yeah. It was like they discovered their headphones were half way plugged in at this point and

plugged them all the way up to the rest of the movie. Now okay, we need to talk about this. Are you sure? Let's be honest. Let's be honest with our audience. You need to talk about this. I need to talk about this. And you need to verify it.

Okay. For what? At least chop the fucking tree, right? They have like five different cuts on the way up the tree. That's such a waste of fucking energy. Okay. Now, here's the, those are horses, nut mules for starters. Older brother looks like an angry vampire to me on this. And he's being played as the bad guy on all this thing. But he's the only one who's looking at things like a monormal person. So they have this tree that they chopped down. Then they have another stump that's supposed to play the stump for that tree. They just chopped down. The tree they just

chopped down was about one fourth the size of the stump. So then they have chain wrapped around it. They pull stuff up because pauses and they're not going to be any stumps in my field. This chain is an unwelded chain. And so you watch this thing as they're pulling it with two horses, not meals, two horses, so two horses. They say you'll over and over again, but yes, those are definitely fucking horses. Those are horses. Yes. And this is an un-fucking welded chain.

Why the hell are they using it? This thing looks like it's got the strength to hold a chandelier over my kitchen table. This the tree itself is literally strong. What root of that fucking tree is literally stronger than that chain. My weak-ass Hyundai accent has more horsepower than these horses do to pull his channel. And then the chain slipped. Do you know what makes a chain slip? It's because there's stored energy in it. A steel cable will slip like that. Yes, there's stored energy in there that will when it breaks, it flips it out. That chain doesn't have enough energy stored in it when all of those links, right? Because every single one of them is stretching. All

it will do is slither around the thing and follow the horses as they walk away. And then that change goes and breaks this little sapling tree. That's a sapling in New York. It's not going to break it. It's going to bend it. But I'm like, damn, dad sends him out to get a decent chain. I'm like, do you even go with a decent chain? You're using a chain that's not even welded. I know better than that.

Holy shit. I wish I pointed out that like this is a three and a half minute scene. Yeah. And it is. Well, one time we were trying to get a stump off of the farm and it did the chain broke and it almost got me. Yeah. Yeah. That was like, needed into the movie. And not only did it make it into the movie, but it earned a fucking slow motion dive role. Yeah, it was like this really important thing. And yeah, angry fan pires over there, go, yeah, just two inches away, dad. And I'm like, of what, your family jewels,

you got a bunch of kids. It's gonna matter if you lose those things. Hey, come on. Fucking Mormons. But luckily, this stump becomes like the inciting incident of the show because this is when they learn about the Smiths. Right. See, that's why it's important.

Yep. Bryce, Shannon, very important question. When you watch this movie as children, which I am assured that you did, did you applaud when they first said Joseph Smith's name? You have to tell me, it's like being a cop. They came out when I was 37. Does that get me in the trial? Yeah, that's going to be a little tough.

So, yeah, yeah, but so they can't get this stuff. They finish trying to fucking coax the stump out with a box of treats or whatever the hell they're doing. And they're like, oh, we can't do it. We don't have enough strength. And this guy, Martin Harris, that's helping. I was like, well, you know, I have a buddy who's got two boys that could help you. And they're like, really?

What's their names? And he goes, Smith. And then everybody in the theater stands up in cheers and screams. Like fucking spider man just showed up or whatever. Yeah, the music they did there, they was, I was like, dude, you guys failed. You're supposed to have a really good music. That's the crescendo.

Yes, they missed it. One quick note here, this is a point that I feel like they made a decision in the screenwriting process because Nathan, the good esteed, gets chastised by his older brother, Joshua, the bad see, the angry vampire because he's reading a book while they're out working to clear this land for the farm. He brought a book with him and he's just reading there. There's like them book learnings can't get you far out here in this country. Like, well, so, oh, God, we should point out, okay.

So yeah, that's the key to this seed, right, is that we're going to meet the two brothers, Joshua, Steve and Nathan, Steve. And for the next, I don't have 45 minutes of this movie, we're just going to go through a like a series of goofis and galant style vids yet showing us that Nathan is a good guy, but Josh is a bad guy, right? Yeah. Oh my God. They have to create stakes somehow because otherwise there is do they do they really though price?

All right. So yeah, so Josh has to town for a good old chainfixing. And this is where we also meet his, well, everybody's love interest, you know, the young female character who is the shopkeeper's daughter by the name of Lydia. Lydia McBride. Yeah. What bothered me here though, is that they skipped a whole hell of a lot of stuff because everybody's already met already

Right so Joshua's in the wagon with somebody. We don't know who the hell he is He's already met Lydia before so the reveal of Lydia in the store doesn't make any sense the meet cute happens off camera like what? Yeah, and I mean granted these books. I mean I was working at BYU bookstore when these books were coming out and they're huge I mean, I was working at BYU bookstore when these books were coming out and they're huge. Each one of them and there's nine books in the entire series. This is only book one. Yeah. And it's the size of the Lord of the Lent Rings trilogy in one book form, which also includes the appendices.

That's how big the first book, each book gets. So I'm like, how much did they skip? I mean, everybody skips to put stuff on film. But I'm like, are they trying to entice you to go read the stupid book? Is that why they missed out on, you know, three-fourths of the book, putting it on film? What's the deal here? Well, I have, and what's amazing is that nothing ever happens in this movie, right? Like, so there's so much that you could have cut to make room for that, right? Now, so in addition though to going and getting the chain and meeting Lydia, this is also where Joshua Steed is going to pick up the hired help not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that, I mean, Joseph would really fall Kyram. Historically speaking, we know. Yes. Hyrum is absolutely Mary from the Lord of the Rings. Okay. All right. And Joseph Smith is just a straight up honk. Like he's got, I mean, he's a himbo with shoulders that you could store a wagon in. Like he's a big boy. And fun fact, the actor Jonathan Scarf, non-mormon, and he has aged like the devil's cut. I wouldn't pull sticks with that guy all fucking day.

Yeah. Yeah. I said rice pictures of him when we were watching this because I was like, yeah, he looked better in equalizer too. He looked better and not what he was. Hey, I just love no matter how many Mormon movies we watch, Mormons will always find the most handsome, least realistic actor to play Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith looked like the shrinky dink that didn't quite make it out of the oven, but

higher fucking Henry Caval the blame every fucking film. No, I wrote my nose here like if we ever do the Mormon movie month bingo card, comically fuckable, Joseph Smith will be the center square. Absolutely. Oh, sure. He's just inventing Pilates with his 12 pack abs in the corner. Right. And it's interesting to watch too here because this is the time in the script where the

actors stopped giving a shit about trying to do old timey accents even. Yeah. And you can tell that this is where they kind of gave it up. So like the scene in the forest, Joshua is chastising Nathan and making it sound very like old timey. But by this point, we're just talking like normal 24th century talking. It's like, oh, they call on each other. Dude, yeah, do either one, like choose a fucking century. It's like shitting in the woods and then wiping with three shells. It's just choose which place you're going to live. It doesn't make any sense to me.

So, so we head back to the house with Joseph and Hyrum. And I love this scene so fucking much. So apparently they've been working out in the field all day and Moss prepared dinner. And they just can't stop talking about how lazy Joseph Smith isn't what a hard worker he is why he would he could make so much money as a laborer I'm sure And again, it's just I love it so much because here's the thing okay the Bible however much Historicity you want to put behind the Bible and I don't want to get into that argument We don't have like a

Hundred signed affidavits that Jesus's carpentry shop was like child slavery Has just gone the exact opposite way Right, they never have to do this. There's always a scene in a Mormon movie where some Mormon was just like, and then Joe made the best mashed potatoes we ever tasted. Yeah, he's your fucking prophet. Do you know what? There's no part of the Bible. They were like, and all of his shares were great. By the way, just in case you're wondering, Jesus' shares were great and affordable. God yeah. So, but then this is where we get get the fucking we get Bryce's best worst we get the stick pulling scene. Oh So can we can we take some time here? So let me just say very quickly. I Absolutely, I'm gonna be playing stick pulling. I guess we're gonna have an intro

P I A T stick pulling championship now just so that I can watch Heath and Andrew do this and he. I just want to watch. He throw people over his shoulder with this game. It's going to be so much fun. Even if I have to. Sam apart myself. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Moving into the past a little bit. But yes. Yeah. Okay. So this is set up that Joshua Steed is a champion stick polar in Rutland, Vermont. Yes.

And Papa Steed, Papa Nesans, is like, well, let's show these Smith boys what Vermont stubborn really means. It's like the Smiths also grew up in Vermont, idiot. But the thing is Joshua, he's just a little too skinny to be a good stick polar. It's at least my type, right? But Joseph on the other hand here, yeah. I'd like to have a little stick polar competition. I mean, we both stick so hard, we might even break one.

And, you know, I'm watching this scene. I'm like, I bet Heath is like a really good stick polar. I feel like he's be like the best. Like he's got the height advantage. He's got a lack of hair so he can dissipate the heat easier and stick pulling hands. I bet he could pull the sticks against like a whole shipplo to semen.

All right, now I have a question. And look, did I come to this scene of course? But I don't have one criticism but it's a best out of three match and I feel like they kind of mailed him that first one, right? Cause it's like, I'll throw you, but the first one is just like one and Joe just sort of like pulls it too quickly and he's like, oh, ow, my fingers, ow. Okay. I'm hoping the last two will be epic. So for everything that a little too caught up at the innuendo description of that price game, it's so if you're not familiar, here's the game, right? Two people sit on the ground,

foot to foot, both holding a big pole and they're both pulling on the pole, trying to pull the other person over top of them, which yes, it acts like that's the beginning of gay porn. It just doesn't deliver on the gay porn. Right. Yeah. But that's the game that we're playing. And Joseph Smith is just clean in the fucking clock of this Vermont kid. But I got to say, you know, if I were to pull sticks with he's, I wouldn't go to the

side like Joshua did. I'd be like, whoops. Oh no. My sweaty body is laying on top of your mountainous chest and glistening pectoral muscles. Whatever shall we do about this? Just laying there and listening to his heartbeat. I bet it sounds like I'm actually thriving over a bridge. This episode is going to be played in a trial. No, no, Eli, they'll just use the outtakes.

So I do want to talk about one thing about this scene though, which is that Dad and the family honor stakes way late to sick pulling. He's like, how about a friendly stick pull? Absolutely. They get foot to foot and dad leads and he's like just so you know if you lose this bucket stick boy, I will never speak to you again. I just say I kind of know halfway through it after his son's already lost to he's like don't embarrass the entire family and bring shame upon our generations or anything. Just like really dad really This is the time to add sticks, huh?

Okay. Oh, and also like can we just acknowledge that this is literally a my Messiah could beat up your Messiah seen from the world? That's very fitting. Yeah. Oh, now I'm sad that Muhammad doesn't sit down after Joshua gets up. All right. So, but yeah, Joshua loses the stick pulling very embarrassed, but then he goes back to the shop to see Lydia some more. Yeah. Lydia's the love interest to we teased at the beginning. And for this scene, Lydia hang on Lydia, Mick bride.

And for this scene, I hang on Lydia McBride. And for this scene, she is dressed as a couch. Yeah. I have her down as a colonel in a pillow fight. That girl has so much starch in her clothes. I was like, where her armpits raw by the end of shooting her, the starch in these was just out of control. Yeah, it's like she was like, you know, paraplegic and they were propping her up with those dresses.

Yeah. That's it. The next scene we see FDR in the same dress. Hello, just ready to address the nation. So, walking next. Oh, God. No, don't leave him out in the sun. He'll rise.

So, yeah, but she invites him to the big barn racing, and it was just fucking party time, yeah. And then Nathan shows up to pick him up, and we realized that this is a love triangle because good brother Nathan also has the hots for Lydia. And I know who the hell can blame him. Lydia is just. Oh, and let's also say parents are super on approving. Yep.

Yes. Of course, they're just angry. I mean, Nathan, Nathan looks like a basset hound to me. So I mean, I was like, basset hound, angry vampire, both want Lydia, okay. And there's no sexual chemistry at all. Okay. Nothing that rises to the Joseph and Hiram Smith chemistry now.

Nothing whatsoever. I was like, holy shit. Play it right, guys. I mean, they, oh god. Well, and then of course this is where we meet the film's bad guys. But you can tell they're bad guys because they have beard. Yes, right. Yes, exactly. Unruly beards. The sign of a bad guy or a wise old man.

So and and this is, of course, this is Eli's best worst, right? Because they just come by and say, Hey, Joseph Smith, say any historical thing we know about you, that would infuriate randoms, passers-by, wouldn't it? And he's like, I don't wanna play this game. Let's play a different game. You wanna stick, Paul? And again, like, they do this weird half lie thing where they're like, oh, weird.

Joe talks to angels and he's got a golden bucket waiting for him and we, the Mormons are supposed to be like, he didn't talk to angels, He talked to God and Jesus about Ancient new Bible Yeah, it was this white Native American boy angel with bear and well-muscle chest and He wasn't wearing anything at all Like guys I told, this is gay porn. We've had stick pulling already.

You would have met him. Yeah. He's waiting for it to happen. They're just driving away. Joseph turns to her. I'm sorry. They didn't mention how to light some of those angels I saw were at all. So you probably think I'm pretty crazy, but I assure you they were very delights.

And this is where they kind of like, I don't know, put the Steve family through like the town's hazing process of learning about the Smiths because it's like, ain't you heard about the goal Bible yet? Ain't Joe tell you about his goal Bible? And the steeds are looking around like, what is the hell is this business about this goal Bible? What are you talking about? Obviously, the newcomers.

And then we get to watch both of them learning it from different people in town. And they learn the same things from different people. It's just a matter of like, who's telling the story? And who's receiving the story as to whether or not it's the right version of the same exact events. Well, what I love too is, okay, apparently these bad guys in town are trying to explain to the new people, hey, don't trust the Smiths, they have all of this nonsense beliefs of talking to angels and golden Bible, such a, but instead of just explaining that, which they could do, right, they could walk up and say, hey, did you know that this guy that

you're talking to right now claims X Y and C they go ask him about his gold Bible. It is angels and then they ask and he's like, Oh, it's not just, you know, that's just a, a, through a square, look, that's square over there. Yes. To be clear, Joseph Smith does not go no, because that's what his religion is about. right also i should point out that the reason we have this scene in the movie is because joseph smith showed up to palmyra called a fucking god all was like hey everyone i'm the newborn god and angel has brought me a new bible they told him to fucking self and so he had to work as a ranch and until a new guy came to town so he could slow play his gun. That's how this movie

is telling us that particular story. And we see the slow play con play out. Yeah. I wanted to pick up on another detail in this. Why are the, and this is a recurring theme, these bad guys, and I'm just calling them Murdoch boys, right, that why are the Murdoch boys so possessive of the gold plates? Right. Could it be that maybe Joseph Smith ran with these guys in treasure digs, but then stopped hanging out with them when he came up with the gold Bible story? Could it be? Yeah. Of course.

Well, I also love that there's this weird and we'll get to it later, but there's this weird combination of they don't believe in the gold plates, but they also want to steal them going on with them. Yeah, that's the second half of the movie. And Joe dismisses any questions about this by calling the guys Jackass's con artist answer answer question with a question every single time. Yeah. Well, and when he said, it is like, well, what were they trying to say? He's like, wow, every time on ass braze, does that mean that has something to say? And he's like, no, but those were human beings using words, man. Like that doesn't. Yeah. You're just

trying to. Can you just say you don't know any angels that they didn't tell you where gold plates are buried About hats the interest So yeah, they go and remove the stuff this time. Yeah. Of course, they have the same chain. Yep. As before, unwelded again. And the Smith boys that are helping to push the fucking Trump out are standing on the roots that have to come out of the ground. And I was like, why did somebody use a pole as leverage? That's usually how you do this kind of thing. But I was like, just because they pulled a tree out like this in Lord of the Rings doesn't mean that's actually

how you do it. In Lord of the Rings is self aware. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. They wanted it to be more Lord of the Rings. That's it. I mean, Lord of the Rings was just a few years before this. I mean, Lord of the Rings is self aware enough to know that they are fantasy and to play it that way. Yeah, they're orcs and Erkai pulling them out, but they're also using fucking magic to do that. This is like, okay. So, okay, so but now we get the part where because Nathan is the good brother, right? So Nathan has the whole Mormonism thing explained to him, right? So Joey and Hiram sit him down on their walk home and we get a flashback of the whole Joe Smith

being talked to by God and Jesus in the God. I've seen this on video 300 times. Different movies. Well, I loved watching this montage from my perspective of knowing that Joseph Smith is a con man, right? Cause they show him in church and the voiceover is like, which religion was true? But if you just watch the video with the knowledge you have, you can see baby Joseph Smith being like, oh, shit, I can make my own religion up sweet. I'm gonna get in on this con. Yeah, that seems fucking great. That's exactly how it worked in. Everything was doing that. Yeah. Well, scene that was missing was the passing around the collection plate. Right.

Yeah. So little Joey in the voice over, he's like, why I checked out all the religions and I'm like, yeah, except the ones that weren't Protestant Christianity, all the ones except. Yeah. All the religions I wanted to start. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

And it's such a cop out too, because they show him out in the woods and then the light descending and then nothing supernatural. They don't actually show us anything. And they don't even include like part of the canonized version, which is like he was wrestling with Satan before and his tongue was bound and all that shit. No, it's just the light appears and then flashbacks over right because the story so fucking stupid that like god damn Joseph Smith Not answering the question on the right home. This movie does not want to tell us the dumb shit in Mormon is So and it's also like the Conman tag team we got Hyrum and Joe working together and like you know Joe tells the story and then Hiram's like, oh, search it out in your mind.

And then they're doing the whole tag team want to punch. And then when Nathan asks, what did God and Jesus look like? Joe was like, glorious beyond description. So, I wrote my notes like, dude, I've read your book. All things are beyond description for Joey tight like a dish. And you're not even as good at it as H.P. Lovecraft like you just you suck man. This whole scene was so triggering for me because it took me back to being a missionary because all of that was exactly precisely the way you are on a mission and I'm sitting

there going it's been 30 years since I was out on a mission, and I still remember that fucking scripture word for word. I have a pillar of life directly over my head about the brightness of time. How could you have, like if you had a pillar of light above your head, you would just be seeing a circle. You would see a circle of light above your head. Exactly. And why is he saying personages? Right. He's educated what that word would ever have.

Oh my god. And I was like, why are you telling the story that's the last one of the versions that you've got? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Why is that the one you're telling Basset Hound? And I love so, and then he walks away. He walks off after the story with leaves Nathan and Hyrum and Hyrum's like, look, I know.

That it does. I don't think about your bullshit, but like after he tells it like three or four times and you can kind of predict where it's going. It's it sounds less stupid. Yeah, this was a clinic for sure. If you're taking notes of how to start a call, this is here you go, watch the show. Yep. Yeah, that's exactly it because here's the thing about Mormonism. Mormonism doesn't catch on that, you know, when they like to preach against that, first you abhor, then tolerate the love they say that about sin. That's what it is about Mormonism. They figure they repeat the story enough times to you you first you hate it then you tolerate it then you accept it That's how brain watching works exactly Exactly all right, so then we cut to the barn raising the mayonnaise of parties And and the whole scene here is supposed to be Josh and you know, according Lydia, but like

What he doesn't have the guts to go dance with her. He was just out like a fucking mystery. Seventh grader at his first dance or something. What was that? Oh, it's a church dance. It feels a lot like a steak dance for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

And she like beckons to him to like come over here. And you know, she's around with like some townsfolk and they're like talking and laughing and everything and he's like, nah, I'ma go hang out with the Murdoch men and get shit faced underneath where I can get some sexual chemistry go in Somebody with the real beer and why do they always make a big deal Mormons make a big deal about Alcohol then everybody drank alcohol then. Nobody drank water. Water was deadly.

Joseph hadn't even come up with the word a wisdom thing. And I mean, he only did that because is why I busted him from what a mess they made there. And so then he also turned around to a Lershkin drink coffee. So I said, I mean, it wasn't even made a law in the church until in the 1920s. No, I'm like, guys, be self-aware. Yeah, but of course, to the modern Mormon viewer, that's just yet another way that we know he's the bad guy, because he sneaks off and drinks alcohol. He gets drunk, yeah. And cinematically, I get that they are presenting us the crossroads of character development.

It's not. Nope, like it could be, it could be done very well. They could have spent just, you know, another minute and a half in this scene to build up a little bit more time with Lydia and Joshua. No, no, this is just his crossroads. And he's like, I'm gonna take a big swig of moonshine here. Yeah, right.

No, he just gets to the crossroads And he doesn't even like slowed down and it's you as a viewer might not have noticed that was across roads at all Yeah, it's a turd pike of plot to see Yeah, I will say the music was fun in that scene. I don't like that that guy was playing the fiddle not in time with the Soundtrack, but he was playing it. All right. Which, you know, that's something I look for. I played a violin. I played the cello. I look at those things. But yeah, that was that was cute and it was fun. And I was like, please let me tell me if we're going to have a plot finally good. At least the music's good.

No, and to as if to underscore how little of a plot we're going to have, they have like when he goes and drinks alcohol with the Murdoch boys, they have the same god damn conversation that every character has had for the last four scenes, which is tell me more about that golden Bible thing. Yep. Right? We do that again. Yep.

And now it's the bad guy filling Joshua in on it. Yeah. Everyone gets Joseph Smith's backstory, but the bad guy filling Joshua in on it. Yeah. Everyone gets Joseph Smith's backstory, but the bad guy gets it sarcastically. Yeah. Right. He gets it with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. They're full of bad.

Yeah. They're so hard. You know, if they'd only told the story once, this movie would have only been 25 minutes. Oh, man. Yeah. And hey, speaking of telling that story again, oh, Jesus.

So now we cut to Easter morning. And Ma's sitting on the steps reading her Bible, right, because Ma is a good character. And Nathan comes down early and talks to his mom about the Bible, because he's a good character. Small detail. She's reading. She says she's reading the last part of John when Mary gets to the tomb, just a great

part of the story. She's not holding a Bible. It's a pamphlet. It's a leather bound 30 page pamphlet. I don't know what she's reading. It's not the fucking Bible. She got this serialized Bible. She's got Adam serialized Bible. She's got Adam

Clark's Bible contrary. Yeah. So. And this is where the movie tries to wrestle with the like, why would anyone believe this shit? So he's like, Hey, mom, do you think Jesus and maybe his dad show up to random 14 year olds in the woods? And mom's like, I mean, it's possible. And he's like, well, no, it's not possible. And she's like, well, it could be possible. Well, yeah, she's like, well, yeah, that would totally fit with existing Christian theology. Yeah.

He might as well say, so you would find that very convincing. Wouldn't you say he's like putting the product in her hands like Marvin's magic drawing part. Yeah. And I love how the mom tries to dissuade a Nathan from talking about this because clearly it's the gossip of town. And she's like, you know, the steeds are above gossip. And I'm like, yeah, just like heath is above everybody.

Because he's he's real to he's a tall drink of muscle. Bob gossip and I'm like, yeah, just like heath is above everybody. Cause he's he's real to he's a tall drink of muscle. Like I bet he could pull a California redwood against Paul Bunyan. Find out. There we go. Um, all right. So but yeah, and what I love the most about this scene is because like finally Nathan says, like, let me tell you this story that Joseph Smith was telling me. And the idea here is that like, just, you know, the camera's going to pan out,

the sound's going to fade out. And eventually the picture's just going to black out. Asi's telling mom the story, but they pan out for so goddamn long. And the actor is basically like, we didn't prepare enough stuff for me to hear. I just have that believe that the Christian movies are so famous for it. It keeps zooming out like it's on Google Earth. Yeah. They just start repeating the same line. Some mom, what you reading? We watched the camera fall off the track and some guy comes over and fakes up.

All right. Well, for true act breaks, you need some kind of plot type thing going on and we're a long way from anything like that So we're gonna pause here, but we'll be back in a flash with even more boring white people in old-timey outfits Welcome home, Lucinda Hey Noah and my extended family and friend group. What's going on? We're having an intervention. What kind of intervention?

A pumpkin spice intervention. Oh come on, I'm not addicted to pumpkin spice. Oh really, what kind of coffee is that? It's pumpkin spice latte, but in the bag. Pumpkin spice muffin, but. And what were you chewing on when I walked in on you at three in the morning? An actual spicy pumpkin an actual spicy pumpkin. That's right Look if you didn't like the macaroni and pumpkin spice last night Yes, should have said something then, but in my defense

It's hard to come up with something new to eat every single night. Well, that's why there's hello fresh What's hello Fresh? Oh sure they're the whole spreadsheet out of whack. What? Nothing. Hello Fresh is America's number one meal kit. With Hello Fresh you get fresh pre-measured ingredients and mouthwatering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. Skip tips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make come cooking fun, easy and affordable. I don't know no that sounds pretty expensive. Actually Hello Fresh is over 30% cheaper than shopping at grocery stores with pre-measured

ingredients that ensure you won't spend money on excess food that ends up going in the trash. Plus, hello fresh offers the flexibility you need to easily customize your order on the app with the minutes, easily change your delivery day, food preferences and plant size, or skip a week whenever you need to. That does sound convenient. Not only that, but it's delicious. Hello fresh, send us some sample meals when they started sponsored the show and they were so good that I've been a customer ever since. Hmm, kinda, undercuts the whole premise of the ad, huh?

It's best if you don't think too hard about them. No, all right, I'm sold, Noah, how do I sign up? We'll just go to hellofresh.com slash awful14 and use code awful14 for up to 14 free meals including free shipping. Sorry, what was that website again? I was busy cutting up lines of pumpkin spice. Of course you were.

It's hellofresh.com slash awful14, use code awful14 and get up to 14 meals free including free shipping. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Also don't cut up lines of pumpkin spice. Oh good point. Key bumps will last longer Well, well, well if it ain't Joseph Smith Oh now you leave us alone Willie Willie ten what we're just talking here. Hey Joe you find them golden plates yet I'll I'll just be going

Now Willie Willie ten you know Joseph don't believe no such thing? Oh, would you look at the time? Oh, yeah, because I heard he found the ancient scriptures written by the last group of a submarine traveling superjuu led by a magic compass. Oh, not sans. That's just nonsense. Did you guys hear a fire bell? I thought I just heard a fire bell. And you know what else? I also heard he's going to use that magic compass, which he found in a different location,

told to him by a different angel, to translate those plates from inside a hat. But if someone asks him to retell the story to make sure it's a real translation, he's going to get mad and make him do a different story. Well, I never joked, Joseph, are you? Are you taking notes? But what, that thing with the compass was really good.

Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, it was Easter morning and the insufficiently pious members of the family were trying to shake off that barn raise and hang over. And we're going to rejoin that action actually with Josh Duncan is that's angry vampire. Duncan is heading up barrel of water on the homeward stumble. And I love this scene only because as he comes out of the tank, he like looks a cow right in the eye and the cows like party fell. Am I right? Beer before liquor, my friend beer before

liquor. So very knowing look from the cow. I Was like what are they trying to do create a comic relief there? I guess yeah, that's the only comic relief We get the whole show. Oh my god Like if that cow had become his sidekick from that point on Oh so much better not Oh, this movie to redeem itself. I want that movie. Yeah So yeah, and then we cut back to the house and Pa, who also had a little too much to drink at the bar and raising, he will not be Mormon by the end of this movie.

Pa comes in, I says, we did Josh get home. She said, and Ma's like, well, Josh never did come home. He goes to lead. It's like, look, he grabs his shotgun and goes to hunt him down or something, right? Oh, kill the man who wells a yellow shirt. Give me my yellow shirt. Yeah. But I was like, how old is angry vampire anyway?

What is it? I mean, he looks like he's like 25. Right. Yeah. And this is 1826. So that's like 41 in today's years. Yeah. And there is no explanation for why Pa is so years. Yeah. And there is no explanation for why pause so mad. Yeah. There is no reason

for him to be mad about Joshua not coming out. There's there's no stakes. There's no explanation. There's no character development to explain. There's no reason for this seem to go the way that it does. Nope. That's why I was like, I think we're missing like a fourth of the book at this point. I think we're missing like a fourth of the book at this point. Yeah. A lucky bastard. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but Ma talks about it.

She's like, oh, come on. It's Easter morning. Don't kill your son on Easter morning. He's like, all right. Just only because you braille beat me into it. He was supposed to do it two days ago. Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. You didn't get that shit on Friday. You just don't get it. I mean, while Joseph instead of going home, goes over to Lydia's and throws a few pebbles at her window. If you know, yeah, sorry, I missed you at the dance. I was drinking in the corner of a horse stall with guys who want a rob and angel. And she's actually pretty cool.

She looks at know that she's, she's going to stay with her aunt soon. And her aunt is a lot more lax than her very strict parents are. Would you can tell because her aunt smiles and her parents don't? Right, right. I kind of like, honestly, if they did a prequel that was just this aunt's story, because she was clearly a fuck machine at some point.

Right. I feel like I'd watch that. I like her. We'll get to her anyway. But yeah, but so Lydia says, hey, I gotta go to a fucking church because it's Easter Sunday, but go to my aunt's house on Wednesday,

she'll probably let you fuck me. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I do want to a fucking church because it's Easter Sunday, but go to my aunt's house on Wednesday. She'll probably let you fuck me Yeah, yeah, for sure and I do want to point out here one of the things that the show did well was period correct windows Yes, pretty hard to do but the windows you can see they're like wavy and there are bubbles in it that they got the windows right at least They got that one thing right in this period Arapie I just it blows me away. They got anything wrong because if there's one thing Mormons have an abundance, it's a budget dumb shit from 1820. Right? Yeah, like, you know, you can find it in the Utah Pioneer Museum. Well, that want heath to throw a boulder through my wall. Yes.

So back at the Stead House, the youngins are reading Bible stories for Easter when Joshua shows up, you know, all hung over and alcohol smelling and whatnot. Yeah. And in defense of this scene, you're an alcoholic. No, you're an alcoholic as a screaming fight is a proud upstate New York Easter tradition. So this is very meaningful. This is like my Chinese New Year guys. I need you to respect us. You dress up as a dragon. Your dad dresses up as a dragon, you yell each other. The mama chases the dragon.

See, what I wonder here is, does the director know that he's probably really writing about Joseph Smith senior and Joseph Smith junior? I think so. Okay. That's what I wanted to know, because I was like, senior was a total alcoholic. So, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's what I wanted to know because I was like senior was a total alcoholic so yeah, okay. Yeah, so is junior But I will say one thing I absolutely loved about this conversation with this argument that he has with his dad that Josh and and Paul Steve have is that at one point he calls Murdoch the the bad guy with the beard he calls him and his buddies

Tavern rats and that's just a marvelous fucking term. I like it. Absolutely. Yeah. It's like him locked nets. Yeah. But this is the final straw. And Joshua leaves the homestead. He's going to go stay in town with the bad guys. Yeah. Well, pop had to speak ill of the rich girl Lydia. And Joshua just can't stand up for this. This is girlfriend, damn it. That's right. We keep forgetting.

Well, yeah, it could be theoretical girlfriend. Yeah. And like dad says basically like, yeah, but her dad thinks that she's too good for you. And he's like, how dare you say, no, that's, we established that. That's like his dad's only characteristic or her dad's only care. And also at this point, though, to play into the dad's character flaws, then Joshua tells Pop that he should fire the Smiths. He's worried about the stink.

Right. And that's going to be important because later on, he does fire the Smiths and then nothing else happens about that. Nope. Well, but yes, again, so that him and his brother can be goofish and galut. As he's walking out, he's like, also, I don't like Joseph Smith at all.

And then he leaves. He's like, yeah. Yeah, both of them don't care for Joseph Smith. So why are they fighting? It just doesn't make sense. Yeah. Right, because yeah, because then dad just in the very next, the scene, he's like, Joey, Hi, here's your money. You're fired. And they're like,

Oh, damn it. We should not have won it. Stick pulling. What were you thinking? Yes. Oh, God. Yeah. But that's true. That's true. Don't embarrass your boss's kid and stick pull. If only you weren't so good at stick pull, the Eli Bosnick story. Yes. And I'm here like, just wait until Heath shows up. Then Palmyra will have a new stick polling. Yes. Yeah. Oh, if that's all it takes to start a religion, Heath is going to be a fucking Messiah when he grits.

Oh, fuck yeah. He could pull the trine from Poseidon's grip. There we have. All right. So then we again, with the Goofers and and Glunch it now that we've seen how terribly Josh does when he flirts with Lydia we see Nathan showing up to see Lydia now he's not there to flirt. He's just there to see if she knows where Josh is but you know flirt well he's got the

opportunity right now this is also where we meet the aunt. Yeah, I love the. So much Mrs. Gates. Okay, Mrs. Gates. Yeah, so she I love the aunt so much. Mrs. Gates. Okay, Mrs. Gates. Yeah. Yeah, so she, like he shows up and he's like, oh, can I see, come to see Lydia? And he's like, oh, you steed boys are just running

a train on her this weekend. Archie. And he's like, oh, that was the goal. No, I will say, the saying is guests and fish stink after three days, not guess and salmon. Yeah, like like are there other fish that smell good after that after yeah, Swedish fish. Okay, all right. No, fair enough. Lydia was playing the violin there. I mean she was a violin major and University of Georgia the actress was so the I really the music guy he wrote the piece for her to play for that They said on IMDB that she played it on camera, but

She's not playing the exact notes that they play she sure No, and you can tell because the music she is playing doesn't go Exactly And so that was the funny thing but yeah, she was her fingering from Michael J. Fox Yeah All right, didn't we all So but Josh shows up well the two of them are flirting and you think oh brother fight But no that would require something interesting to happen. So Josh was like, oh good, it's my brother.

Did you bring me any corn bread or anything? He's like, yeah, I got a whole saddle bag full of corn bread here for you. Right. And of course, Basset Hound is like, hey Melissa said you can have her warming stone if you come back and I'm thinking, what do they label their warming stones?

They're just a stone. They treat them out. Everybody has, like, 15 of them. That's, what the fuck? No, my precious warmeek stars is, no, don't do it. Oh, my God. And of course, they're all trying to pretend like there's this, you know, sexual chemistry between them. It's like, it's like watching Finn Ray and Poe in those Star Wars movies. That was no chemistry with them either. One thing I want to point out about this scene is why the fuck is Josh being portrayed as so shady. Right. So we got in a fight with his dad and then left. He's like 25. I mean, he was long overdue for this anyway.

Then he moved out on his own. He gives Nathan some money from the job that he has to help the family. He says that he's gonna help with farm work for no pay and he's courting the town rich girl. Like, what the fuck has he done wrong in this? I don't understand why he's the bad guy. He drinks alcohol and doesn't like Joseph Smith. Keep up, Bryson.

Yeah. Well, speaking of which, speaking of which the whole Joseph Smith thing comes up yet again here, right? In the middle of the fucking everybody's flirting with Lydia's scene, they bring up Joseph Smith and the angels that he sees and Nathan jumps to his defense. He's like, well, actually, you didn't say that he saw, he said he saw God in Jesus.

That's way more sane. That happens sometimes. And I'm just like, man, this is like every Mormon history conference I go to. Yeah. See repetition, repetition, then you bleed. So meanwhile, Lydia's ant, Lydia's like sneaking out

for the night and the ant is being all wise and old timey and witty Okay, I love this scene not cuz anything happens in it or because it ever matters But because all aunt will ever say for the rest of the movie is you get some dick yet I'm going to see my gentleman caller down at the habit. right, talk to you when you get some dick. God so boring. I Loved it when she threw shade on the uncle. I just that it's fun and then it gets bland and Fucking mic drop it was great. Oh, she's like, you know, it's all great. When you have any won't go down on you, the lady's you fuck yeah. But also, but the app points out, she's like, you know, I'll tell you what, if I was your age, I'd be trying to fuck that Nathan boy, not that

Josh, you know, he's the bad guy. He probably drinks alcohol and doesn't like Mormon. I was like, why why Nathan? Why him? I mean, he's a bass at town. They can't even make him act with the right kind of posture to look like he's thinking thoughts. You know, it's just he's this follower that follows around in hopes that the guy will look at him and yeah, yeah. He's a pup. Yeah, he is absolutely a puppy dog and just a shadow of the show. Like, he could be portrayed by a, where did the bad man touch me, doll? And the movie would be no different. Yeah, for sure, for sure. But also, I was like, good thing this isn't happening in England because at this time,

Lydia would be so compromised off of all of this. I mean, just completely and be forced to marry somebody. Well, it's about to get even worse, right? Because then Lydia sneaks out and she goes into the town slash haunted fucking house at a carnival to see Joshua. Right. She's walking through in like an every corner there's somebody going like, oh, I'm a bad town person. You know. And then this is a great scene because she shows up in pets. Joshua was beard and says, what's this?

And he says, regressing from man to ape on the origin of species wasn't published for another 30 years after this. Well, he was a cutting edge kind of a biological thinker. Of course, that makes him the bad guy. Yeah. Well, you know, he probably stared at it. Sorry, I was going to do a, like, looked at a sword and figured out how to make one joke, but I couldn't think of what he was staring at.

Okay. A bagging off. But we do need to talk about Joshua Spear. We really do. Oh, God. It is an eyebrow pencil. It is the this movie stump removal of beer. It's yes, it really is. I think they microbladed that. That's what I think happened. There's no real hair in this beer. It is all eyebrow pencil. Here's what I assume

happened. The makeup lady went insane, tried to murder him. I'll, uh, Jason or Freddie Krueger with an eyebrow pencil. And when he woke up from her murder fuk, he was like, Hey, can this might be my beard for the movie? And they kept it. Yeah. So you know, that, don't, what I think happened because he's angry, vampire. See, is they hair and makeup sent over somebody to microblade the beard on him because he just wanted to be tough. You know, and just have man cuts on him. But when the blood came out, his veins came out, she freaked out. So he bit her sucker dry head, have somebody else come.

Okay. All right. I buy it. I buy it. I'm beating curious. Hashtag you decide? Both of those are much more realistic as options than that's his beard. Right?

Like so. If you put all three of those on the multiple choice, I ain't taking a. I started screenshotting it and comparing them to see if they added anymore in between shots. All right. But so but she's come to see him now is. Tear living in some giant warehouse at the docks. Apparently he appears to be because he keeps trying to spruce the place up like it's a bachelor pad

and you didn't expect to get laid. He's like, oh, you know, I sleep on a futon on the ground because it's good for your back. In Japan, they have half empty bowls of cereal all over every surface. No, no, no stacks of pizza boxes make great coffee tables. I promise. Yeah, right. When the Murdoch's come, she's like, oh, I can't be seen by anybody. And I was like, girl, you are being sexually harassed all the way down the street. And everybody knows you're the shopkeeper's daughter. Like 19 people in this town. Yeah, exactly. This fucking pal Myron 1826. Everyone knows you're there.

Yeah. And like, and she says that the like the Murdoch specifically can't know that she was there. Well, why? Yeah. Why? Yeah, we never established a reason for that. What will that information give the Murdoch's?

The Murdoch take the smiths, not her. Yeah, right. It would be so easy, but it would be so easy as a writer to add something here. Like, you know, they've been looking for a chance to blackmail me or whatever. Say something, but no, it's just, they can't see me. Why? Because the script says they got them. There's no why in this movie.

That's it. That's it. Next scene. Next scene real quick. Go. Right. Well, okay. Well, we just saw a scene of Joshua goofessing his way about romance. Sing Lydia. How about a scene now of Nathan Galantin his way into romance? Right.

The very next goddamn scene is him in the fucking shop saying, hi, lovely Lydia, could I buy some candy for you to give to poor children? Yeah. And she's all, can you move this over here? And I was like, he flipped his line. He was supposed to say as you wish. Oh, yeah, he was. Fuck yeah, he was.

Yeah, so he lifts some things for her all gentlemanly like and buy some candy for fucking orphans or whatever. By the way, she just reaches into the fucking jar with her filthy ass hands to get the candy that's gone. Where was her mask? Oh, we get a soft light filter for these shots just for her, not for Nathan. No, you're right. We do. I liked it. I liked it. I mean, if you soften the light around Nathan, he would melt into the background. He is a, he is soft lighting. We're a person. It's Nathan. That's it. Yeah. Hands were tied. Yeah. And of course, once again, as he's flirting with Lydia, Josh shows up all, you know,

drunker, Lee and unshaven and taver rat ass. And of of course, it's gotta be as cheesy as humanly fucking possible. So the conversation that Josh has with Nathan is like, gee, Josh, I sure hope you'll show up at home for Ma's birthday, the whole family sure does miss you. And Josh go like, whatever, I hate Joseph Smith, by the way, I thought I'd add that. Okay, so you haven't mentioned that, but I don't give a shit about mom's birthday.

And then the scene ends with Joshua, like Nathan turning and leaving the store and Joshua like squaring up in front of Lydia. It's like, oh shit, this is going to be like of the level Earth's quarrel that like ups the ante, increases the stakes, right? Now, camera cut, no, next scene, hurry next scene. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Yes. Yeah. No, I just because that would be too spicy for this yellow mold of a fucking movie. Yeah. They already get did what they're supposed to do in each scene, which is talk about Joseph Smith. Yeah. So you got to move on to the next one. Oh, speaking of which, I love this scene too, because Nathan leaves. Oh, God. This is maybe the best scene in the whole movie. It is my favorite.

Nathan leaves the shop and he runs into Emma Smith. And when he meets Emma Smith, he says, a minus wheel just go, oh, Emma Smith, Joseph's only wife. Yeah. Yeah. When she introduced herself, I wrote in my notes, Joseph's wife, bruh, which one?

That's like saying Eli's internet enemy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah internet enemy. Yeah. Yes, we were like, chew the South Park theme here. Yep. Yes. No, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Okay, we're going to sing that the rest of the time. So he's walking with Emma Smith, they're walking across town.

And then the whole town starts to gather up to, you know, throw Apple cores at her and chant more, men, more men about how disgusting and terrible her and Joseph Smith are. And they're like, a costing her like, oh, see any angels, angels help with the housework. Angels shut the corn for you. And it's like that all they're doing is just like repeating the shit that Joe has told people. Right. And none of it is a departure from the story as it stands.

Yeah. Okay. So now it's time to see some more of the good old Joseph Smith con artistry. So we get to see where Nathan goes to see Joey to learn more about these golden Bible visions and shit. Yeah.

I love the opening of the scene because he shows up at the Smith House and like, there's just like this increasingly aggressive series of people trying to give him pie as he's like, I can't stay. So far, there we are again. Yeah. It's, it, this is so Mormon too. It is so more the cabinet. So well, this would be done so much better. It is so more the capital. It's so well.

This would be done so much better if this were satire and they were making fun of Mormon culture. Instead, they just captured Mormon culture perfectly because it's made by a bunch of milk to us fucking Mormons. But yeah, right. They're like, what would they do off her? Pie, I would say, they make it. Why wouldn't they?

Of course they would offer pie and funeral potatoes. Yeah. But he opens his conversation with Joseph, right? They they go he apparently gets fucking flagrod with a pie or whatever. Yeah. He opens his conversation with Joseph Smith by saying, I know you're not a liar, Joseph. And I just wrote down why? Why? Why do you know that? Right? The only thing you know about him is that he worked on your farm and he claims to have met God and Jesus. Well, and can pull a stick pull a mean stick. Oh, yeah. Oh, a mean stick. It's like, yeah, don't worry about how Joe. We love you. He really loves you.

And he's given him this piece and I'm like, I'm in my nose. I'm right. Like, oh my God. We've had this scene 11 times. We've had this scene where the character you're now telling this story to his told other people this fucking story. Right. It's a fractal. It is once again the con clinic though because he's like, have you thought about what I told you before and Nathan wants to believe in? He knows that Joe's not a liar. And then he apologizes to Joseph Smith for thinking that the story is too incredible to believe. It's like, Joe's got his hooks in now. He's just got to sit

back and real slowly like a big fucking hell of it. That's it. Yeah. Well, Nathan even tells him, he's like, well, you know, my mom believes in your angel visions. And he's like, really, she's not even like other than the dinner on the stick point, she hasn't met me. That's amazing. Really? She have any daughters. Yeah. I'm really desperate to matter in the movie. So yeah, right, right, right. All right. So then we cut to dinner at the steed house where where dad is pointing out how terrible Joseph Smith is and how dumb Mormon is. Look, this movie is boring and all of the scenes are terrible. But Papa fucking Liam Neeson for the rest of this movie.

It's fucking awesome. It will be everyone in this movie will be watching for the ace in the three-card money and he'll be like, why would he be out here if you can win? Why would he be out? in the three card money and he'll be like, why would he be out here if you can win? Why would he be out here? You would be playing regular cards where the odds are better if he was playing an actual game of chance. You're all idiots. You're all, I'm going to die in 14 seconds of the records. I hate you all.

I'm playing solitaire. It was just so crazy listening to every table because it's just this oh, we know him He's charming. He's handsome. He's gentlemanly. He's much nicer than Darcy is and this is why we like him so much And then I'm like oh shit, that's wrong But well and they're and they're all like you know, but we know Joseph Smith. He isn't crazy We know that and it's like well's, yeah, dinner with him once. Yeah, it's not how crazy works. But also, he could also be a lying piece of fucking shit.

He's just really good at it. Right. There's also, you guys didn't explore that. And then he adds onto that, he doesn't have to be lying. You ever heard of being deluded? It's like, yeah, he's why you're lunatic or Lord. I mean, it's a pretty sufficient tricotomy to describe Joseph Smith, right? Right.

Well, yeah, and and the liars in lunatics, by the way, we can confirm the existence of those things are things that exist in the world that we all know of. I love to dad at this point. He goes, well, okay, all right, all right. Maybe the devil is pretending to be an angel and a pillar of light to lure Joseph Smith away from God. And I'm like, okay, all right, there is a worse argument than no Joseph Smith is correct. And nobody asked Joey, did you shake his hand? See?

So, okay. So then we get ant fox a lot taken, Lydia to see Nathan, right? Because she's like, oh my god. Well, again, without Aunt Fox a lot, this is a terrible scene right? Cause it's just Lydia showing up to say, I'm sorry, I participated in the last scene. Will we be in a future scene together? Yes, okay, bye. It's made so much better because the entire time Aunt Fox a lot's like, fuck it.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. It's made so much better because the entire time ant fox allods like fuck it fucking He's got a hammer use that use that what the hammer I'm gonna show you how to make a strap on how to that hammer Honestly the only way this scene could have been better is if ant fox a lot was in the background of the scene just like air humping the entire in the background of the scene just like air humping the entire time. And the worst of it is we are flicking halfway through this stupid movie. I think really I was ready for a bond Joby break. Nothing has happened yet. And okay, so I love this bit too. So antfux lot drops her off to go see Nathan.

Nathan's out, you know, chopping would be in Manly or whatever. So sister, remember the narrator that has not come up at all in this movie. Melissa takes Lydia out to see Nathan. And finally, when Lydia and Melissa are on screen together, this movie has some sexual chemistry. Yeah. Yeah. Melissa wants to fuck some sexual chemistry. Yeah. Yeah. Melissa wants to fuck with the women. Yeah.

Yes. Absolutely. The two of them have more goddamn chemistry than any other two characters with a possible exception of Hyram and Joseph in this entire movie. That like where Melissa was like, I want to say more, but like withheld saying more and then just like, I'll just, I'll just leave you. I'll just leave you to talk. I like you.

It was, it was, it was, it was, I don't know. It was great. I, I was big fan, big fan of, climb to fucking tree and said, you know, he's like, are they going to do it? It's a good thing. Any booby stuff. Maybe there will be puppy stuff. Yeah.

So she goes up to talk to him and apologize for not karate fighting all of the people in town when they said a mean thing about Joseph Smith. Fortunately, the movie spares us that dialogue though, right? We see it with starts to talk, and then we skip straight to Aunt Fox a lot going like, so did he come or what? Did you, well, the pants? Or she literally roast the movie on the ride home.

She's like, what the fuck was the point of that scene? Did you suck a stick? I visited him as a gentleman color and resolved what might have been the tension of our romance And she's like, well then why would the why was this scene in the movie? Why was that last scene in the movie where he yelled at you? Why is this scene happening so that you can tell me about a scene That was in the movie that everyone's watching. I hate this movie. Yes. I do love how Antfoxa lot says,

are you gonna make a choice between the brothers or are you gonna tear this poor family to shreds by driving them out of their minds? It's like, yeah, Lydia is eventually gonna have to go through the right of passage. Stick pulling with Mama Steve. Let's get off, baby. Oh, there we go. the right of passage. Stick pulling with Mama Steve. Let's all pay me.

Oh, there we go. I like that one. I have to point this out to because Antifux a lot is trying to get some details out of her. You know, she's like, you know, how did it go? He's like, we had a very nice talk. She's like, talk, schmuck. You know, let's talk about the fucking.

Did he touch it? The way it parts. Did you touch with parts? Did he touch? And she says, and I quote, did you touch his dot, dot, dot, hand? I'm like, I love how long she's like, she's like, it's like she was gauging her. She's like, did you touch his and then she watched Lady in to see what part of her body

her hand was closest to. Oh, okay, never mind. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, What is boring is shit. All right. So elsewhere, Josh and Will are plotting their golden plate. Oh my God, something's about to happen. Okay.

So this is where this movie changes directions from the villains in the movie, repeat the claims of Mormonism to the villains in the movie, believe Joseph Smith, but they want to rob him and God Jesus. Yeah, so to be clear, what this movie now wants us to believe is that the villains are like, oh no, I mean, Joseph was told where solid gold plates were. We just think it'd probably be chill for us to beat him up and take him.

I'm sure God and Jesus won't mind in the way, steal the angelic plates of wisdom. Just got on the phone with Geico. Yes, no, it happened in situ. Yeah. In the light of other pictures of them at the time. Stop crying, Jesus. So then we get Joe walking through the fucking woods at night.

The bad guys are all hiding behind a bush like in a fucking cartoon. The boys will get up and follow him. Right. Let's six feet sticking out of it. Yeah. This is like watching people in a high school play where they're hiding behind a face. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I was like, he didn't see them. Oh, yeah. They're right there, though. Yeah, middle gear solid in a cardboard box that's moving suspiciously across the floor. Is that an armadillo in there? Oh, it's probably not something that's going to kill me.

And this is where you also don't see the Joshua really is a vampire because he's in charge. Right. When the fuck is he in charge if he's not a vampire? He can see in the dark, right? Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. This is also where we get our first view of the plates. Now, a momentism likes to fuck around with these plates because if they were solid gold plates, they'd be 140 fucking pounds and they wouldn't fit in a pillowcase and he

couldn't drag a moment later, fight off in a salad with them. So depending on what term you Google, they are either solid gold plates delivered by the angels or I don't know, golden tin foil is tin foil. And this movie isn't sure which of those substance is doing the apologetic or like struggles and grunts to get him out of the tree. But then later he like wax a guy in the head with him and then he's going to skit merrily down a field with them. Yeah, right.

And the guy who he waxed on the head with them lives, he doesn't have a crush skull. Oh, yeah. I just I love as they're setting up the big ambush before the attack and everything the music is pretty sure that the fucking Nine writers of mortar artist Taylor right or whatever But the fucking movie is placing it like the keystone cops are after it right? Yes, they attack Joe Of course Joe is the Vin Diesel of this movie ain't nobody gets the drop on Joe So we literally watch like imagine if Christians did this, we're like every time you saw Jesus had to beat everybody in the room at Kna'astor or something and then

kick somebody's ass. But Joseph Smith beats up two men who got the jump on him in the dark. Right. And we should point out this is the softened version of the story. The original story, as told by Joseph Smith, is that I used my force field powers on the phone. So even the people making the fucking nine book, three movies so far, series of the work in the glory, like we should leave out that crazy lie, Jill told for a bunch of years where he had force powers, right?

We're fucking, pick people up like the fucking jean cray and throw them around the fields of Belmira in New York. I was so sad. My notes all leading up to this jumping were they're going to do the magic power story. They're going to do the magic power story. Fun fact, fun fact and aren't the ex-mores and of course, Bryce will know this and Shannon as well. We'll know this. He tried to use his magic powers from this story right before he was murdered.

Right. He told that lie so many times that someone was like, all right, I'm going to shoot you and he was like, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. A lot of history here. Yes, that is. All right. So Joseph gets away. He runs off. Now, Lydia has gone to tell Nathan and Paa Steed that Josh was going to jump Joe that night. So they show up at the Smith House to, you know, apologize, I guess, on behalf of Josh and make sure that Joseph Smith's

okay. Yeah. And Joseph Smith comes in and his hair's wet, but nothing else is. You're right, that's fucking weird. Why isn't your coat wet? You should be. Yeah. And his head is really wet. It is real.

Well, and he's going on and on and on about, yeah, I got him and I hit him away and everything in front of 10 million people. And I was like, so you now trust Posti to right. Right. Yeah, right because he's like, yeah, I got my, I got these gold plates right here in my fucking hands. I don't, you know, that would be fine.

Yeah. Well, Mama's feed is pretty hot. And, and to be clear, Posti does not go, oh, you know, I've actually been doubting your whole origin story. You just in front of me said you have them. Right. Can it take a peek? Oh, he was just like, well, I'm far too busy being mad at my son to ask you for any proof of the thing you just. Right. So yeah, I'm here to tell you my angry vampire son is the one who attacked you in case you didn't already know. Yeah.

Okay. He's like, yeah, no, I've been he talked while he was attacking me. We know each other. I did the remember the stick pulling thing. That was us. It was me and he. Yeah. So we stick pulled for the treasure. I know. I know. I know a few of his hands when they crush it into my face. Yeah. Exactly. So, but pa, Hyrum and Nathan all go off looking for Josh, looking to give him a good talk and two for trying to attack Joseph Smith and strangle Mormonism in the cradle. And of course, they find him at the tavern like the tavern rats that they are.

Virtually every scene with Josh will take place in a goddamn saloon from here on out. Yeah, this scene is really, really stupid, but because I was like, they pointed out that Lydia tattled. And angry vampire is like, he still stays, you know, I'm going to marry Lydia for the rest of the book and I was Or movie and I was like she told on you. Yeah, she clearly she told you that she didn't want you anymore because you were a thief and yeah The fact that you failed at the thiefing probably didn't in dear you to her more right?

I was like dude. do you listen to anybody? Okay. Well, and then pause like, let's take this outside and, and Josh is like, no, and pause like, yes, and Josh is like, no, and pause like, I don't know, punch the fuck out of you. And this is where Joshua pulls the gun on him. And it's supposed to be a tension filled scene like when someone pulls a gun in modernity, except he's pulled an old timey gun and I'm spreading him my notes. Dude, that's an old timey gun. It's going to take him four and a half hours to load that thing, let alone shoot you with it. You could kick his ass twice before it.

I might as well be Heath's blunderbush. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And the safety was on. Yeah. And he's not even pointing at his at his dad is pointing to the side of him And I'm like, did you just not see right? Or is this what okay? But yeah, but that's how we know he's all the way bad and and I got to say honestly as planned as all this has seemed to us I feel like the Mormons need a second to catch their breath after Very nearly happened. So we're going to take a break there, but let me give act three the hard self first here.

Will Josh's beard fill out in time? Can these filmmakers bring themselves to show what the translating process might have looked like? Is this what unbuttered toast would look like if it was a movie? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll be returned for the pedestrian conclusion of the work and the glory. Hey Noah, you remember that conversation we were having earlier about your breath. Yeah. Well, it's time to have the other end of that conversation. The one about about your breath?

No, man, the one about your other end. Oh man, what about your other end? Oh, is this a Tushie ad? Sure is. Tushie is the modern Bade company, and it washes away even the messiest of poops, leaving you with a better clean than toilet paper. Wow, is messiest of poops really in the copy? It's word for word. It even says, discuss your worst poop experience

in how Tushie could have helped. Wow. Is that why Eli is off? The entire vacation was constructed in response to that ad copy, yes. But think about it, Noah. If you got poop on your arm, would you just wipe it away with a dry napkin? How would I get poop on my arm? You work with Eli. Oh, okay, yeah.

It's weird how he's here even when he hasn't. Right. Anyway, Tushy is the modern bidet for people who poop. Just poop, wash, and pat dry. I absolutely love the bidet they send us. It gives you a better wash and it's most soothing for your ass. Plus, it was easy to install. It attaches to the toilet in under 10 minutes and there's no electricity or plumbing required.

And as if that's not enough, it saves you money by cutting toilet paper usage by 80% and using that much less paper is eco-friendly too. Is that all? That is not all! Tushy has a full product line to help make the restroom the best room, including the Tushy ottoman, the sleekest toilet stool design to help you poop at 100% a 100% of the time. Toilet stool, that's good. That's good. Right. And you can start washing with a Tishi Bade now just by going to HelloTishi.com slash awful to get 10% off plus free shipping. This is a special offer to our listeners at HelloTishi.com slash awful for 10% off. Wow, that's a great deal.

And what you buy and install your TUSHIE, show it off! Tag us and hello TUSHIE on Instagram. I'm sorry, did you just ask people to send us pictures of their toilets? A, it's in the copy and B, I'm not the one you had to check it. Oh, well played. Yeah, you bet your squeaky clean ass it was. Well, if a night, jokes of smith. Oh, well, hello fellows, nice night.

What you got in the sack, Joe. Nothing? Really? Cause it looks like 140 pounds of solid gold plates. Nope, nope, nope, just my farming stuff. I mean, look, Joe, I'm not even clear how you managed to pull that out of a hole in the ground and carry it several miles to your house. It's, it's, it's, it's God magic

or not because I don't have the plates. Oh, yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Joe, those are middle dildos. If you guys just say those little girl plates, you can have a state the borders you talk. Why would anyone want that? No, yeah. Oh, beans. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action eight months after that last scene with Martin Watt's name Uncle Vern. Yeah. We're going to rejoin the action eight months after that last scene with Martin Watt's name.

Uncle Vern. Yeah. Right up on Pasty. That this is where he explains that he just got back from helping Joe Smith translate his golden plates. Okay, movie. I get it. I get it.

You want to skip over that part? Good. Yeah. Oh, I just got over, I was just translating these golden plates and me and Bill Gates were riding on a plane with our friend Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. Right. And again, like fucking Pasty to stand in over the three card Monty game and he goes, well,

did you see the place? He's like, no, there was a curtain, but he wanted to show them to me. He, this is their fucking movie. They didn't have to bring this shit up. My God. Then, then Uncle Verne shows up the character's name is Chris. Oh, God. I was, oh my God, I was howling with laughter at this moment. Can we talk about the prominence of this manuscript just very briefly?

Oh, please do. Okay. So this actually happened. Martin Harris was skeptical and wanted to test Joseph Smith. So he's like, hey, I want to take the gold plates to somebody who can verify that they are what you say they are. And Joe was like, nah. And he's like, I got to have something.

And Joe's like, here's a piece of paper with what the characters look like. And they show the camera has an angle on the character's manuscript. And you can see it. And I put a picture of it in the show notes here. So our panelists can see what we're looking at here. Now, this happened.

Martin Harris took a manuscript. This is so dope. This is like an 11 year old trying to do this. Yeah, it is, it is twins who made up a language. It's like tally marks and numbers and H's and fours with extra lines. It's K. A K as well. Oh, there is. I didn't see the fucking Wiggles and there's an 18 fancy a apparently this language had 750 fucking letters. It must be pictographic and M at one point

It's there's just an M and he's like, fuck, didn't M. And then he put a dot underneath it. Oh, you guys see the big calligraphy age over here. Like, come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, there is, there is a meme circulating next Mormon subreddit that is like some people believe Joseph Smith translated the goal plates from ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, others are skeptical of it. And it's all written with letters that come from this manuscript.

Amazing. It's fucking amazing. Anyway, so this actually happened, right? Martin Harris went to this guy, Professor Anton. Professor Anton was one of the professors at Columbia who was caught up in Egypt, Romania because you know the Resetta Stone had been discovered and was in the process being

discovered. Everybody was super interested in ancient Egypt. Joseph Smith included so he showed this piece of paper, not this exact one, a different one to Charles and thon. And what we have is Joseph Smith's version of this story. And that's what the movie portrays. That Martin Harris went to him and said that these are true Egyptian, Egyptian characters. These, the things we're looking at right here that we're looking at. I don't know if you

see an Egyptian hieroglyphs. The, as it says here, care actors. Yeah. The care actors here. Now we have Joseph Smith's side of the story. We don't have Martin Harris's side of the story because he never told it, but we do have Charles Anthon side of the story. Matches up exactly with, uh, with Joseph Smith, I'm sure. Yeah. This is what Charles Anthon says. He describes the story that that Martin Harris told him of how the plates came about. And he says, on hearing this odd story, I changed my opinion about the paper. And instead of viewing it any longer as a hoax upon the learned it because he thought the Martin Harris was there just to make, like, make him the butt of a joke, he says, I began

to regard it as part of a scheme to cheat the farmer of his money. And I communicated my suspicions to him, warning him to beware of rogues. He requested an opinion from me in writing, which of course I declined giving. And he then took his leave carrying the paper with him. This paper was in fact a singular scroll. And then he describes it, so on and so forth. Greak and he were letters, crosses and flourishes, Roman letters, inverted or placed sideways, which is kind of what we're looking at here. Yep. And then at the end of it, he says there's a Mexican calendar given by Humboldt, but copied

in such a way as not to betray the source once it was derived. I am thus particular as to the contents of the paper in as much as I frequently converse with my friends on the subject since the Mormonite excitement began and well remember that the paper contained anything else but Egyptian hieroglyphics." And the reason that we have that account is because the Mormon missionaries were telling the Joseph Smith version of the story that Charles Anthem proclaimed it really Egyptian and he was like, hell fucking no. Wow. And he wrote that letter to be included in the first full length Mormon exposé book.

Again, it's your fucking movie. You fucking idiot. Why bring it? Yeah. You don't have to show this. You don't. Again, it's like if we had contemporary articles to the Bible where someone was like Yes, where was fucking fine? Okay, they dragged him out of that then there was a back entrance to the cave

Yeah, go for more his bagels, but you could get in there Just some guy taking a selfie with Jesus's corpse see Here's the fuck that thing here's the most fucked up thing about the story that we kind of graced over as we were going through it though like how hard would it be to fake Egyptian hieroglyphs like their photographs of them books of them existed. Yep. He could have just copied random hieroglyphs out of a fucking book and he didn't do that. Instead, he did this weird ass, silly ass mess with birthday cakes and tali marks and shit like that. Jesus Christ.

But and then and fucking, POSDED in the movie tells him that he's like, he's like, Martin, come on. Like, you could have fucking just copied it out of a goddamn book. And even if he could, he didn't. This is just nonsense. And Martin's like, oh yeah, but have you thought about Pascal's wager? Well, and it's so sad.

Again, I do not know why this movie gives us this information. He's like, well, I'm mortgaging my farm so that we could print the first version of his book. And he's like, oh, is Joseph Smith mortg marketing his farm to print the first version of his holy book that God commanded him to write? No, no, no, no, we're doing mine. But you know, if we need a second edition, we'll probably do his. And that conflict is resolved in the next scene too. Yep. Yep, yep. And then the fucking okay

So cis pipes up to remind us that she was the narrator the whole time right and catches us up on Joshua Joshua has this is so again, it's your fucking movie you idiots if they're like everybody hated Joshua So he fled as far to the West he could where there was was no law. And it's like, yeah, only crooked people would do that. Important point though, he fled to Missouri. Yeah, Missouri's an interesting choice. The link link. Yeah. Oh, right, because this is a trilogy. Yeah. Okay. I gotcha. Oh, right, because this is a trilogy. Yeah, okay. I gotcha. Because this is a trilogy based on nine historical books

that want to blame what happened to Mormons and Missouri on a guy who didn't get to fuck the lady he liked and it's old town. Yep. Jesus Christ. Okay, so we meet up with Josh. He's playing poker at the saloon, like some kind of tavern rat.

And hair and makeup gave him a real fake beard this time. Yeah, it's like they glued some hair on his face this time. So he's playing poker. The bar maid is helping him cheat at poker too. So he's not just hard but he's a card cheat, damn it. And of course, nobody else notices. Yeah. I'm interested in a lot about this scene. First of all, the system of cheating seems to be I move my pinky. And that gives you information. So I want to know how, like, is the pinky move you should bet or is the pinky move like two queens on the river. And there's one other thing about this, which is that if you are playing heads up poker against someone

and they start betting your businesses, which are not worth the same amount of money, you probably shouldn't take that bet, right? Yeah. You're playing for like $8 and then the guy's like, hmm, well, based on the cars in my hand, I bet you infinity dollars plus your eyeballs. I feel like you fold. I feel like you fold just on the off-chance. Well, if the guy he wins the business off of had won, he was just going to get some guys

cart and three horses. Right. Yeah, well, and then of course, because these idiots don't even know how this shit works, he wins with four fucking kings. The cheating wasn't that he was like, you know, just sneaking, she wasn't sneaking cars to him or anything. No, right, like he has to speak, that you don't, you got four fucking kings,

you don't need to cheat. You have four kings? Yes, that must be what the pinkie signal must be. You have four kings. You So you're asking me if he has four aces. Remember this was written and Directed by Mormons and and directed by Mormons and no, I know I know. Face cards are of the devil. So, face cards in the sea.

Yeah, to be fair, we should be lucky that the scene doesn't end with pick four and skip your turn. So yeah, right, right, right. Go, face. Somebody yells out, oh no. Oh yeah, so. Also, okay, so, and then we head back

to Palmyra where Nathan and Lydia are inching ever closer to a little heavy petting. Oh my god. They're out taking our romantic walk through the graveyard, which I mean, yeah, that's very romantic. Hell yeah. I mean, great guys are beautiful there. But yeah, okay. Yeah, fuck yeah, man. So but Nathan got it so convoluted back then. Nathan asks Lydia for her permission to ask her dad for his permission to marry her. Oh, the 1800s. When every romance was a middle school romance, but instead of breaking up because the eighth

grade dance was coming up and you got nervous, you got married, had 11 kids and died at 31. Great. Yep. up and you got nervous, you got married, had 11 kids and died at 31. Yep. And the conflict in this scene is she's headed off to boarding school and he is building a homestead. Yep. And we can't be together for a year. Yeah.

That's it. That's the conflict. There's no resolution. That's it. That's the conflict. There's no resolution. There's no further exposition of that. She just is off to boarding school and Nathan is off to build a house. Well, because very clearly we're trying to like nod towards the source material, but the movie's like, well, we can't have, we can't do a whole fucking thing where she goes to boarding school, right?

So we just get a montage of her learning and him Planing wood and and and more manning. Yes, Joseph Smith. Very very charismatic. I love I love your notes here in this You said what we're all thinking actually. I was like, what did I miss? Sorry. Good girl. You see, I was like, why wouldn't, anyway, never mind. We'll get to it.

So, okay. So, now Lydia has come home from boarding school to tell her dad that she will too still marry Nathan if she wants to. So now we get to see where Nathan rides into the town and he runs into the shop to tell Lydia's dad what's what. And he comes in and he yells, I'll be taking your daughter, Mr. McBride. And I'm like,

Nate, but you had the whole fucking ride over to think of your line. Like you could have said to you, you like the workshop that was something before you left it I'll be taking your daughter you selling a fucking kidnap her man this guy you you're you're the one whose dad looks like Liam Neeson this doesn't even make sense well I mean to be fair that is very OG Mormon of him I'll be taking this over all right actually yeah he's had Joe in his ear for like months. Yeah, right. Exactly. That might just be the Mormon movie. I'll be back and I didn't know it. Yeah.

I think I get it in there somewhere. Okay. Yeah. It's interesting because he's like, I had to make a good impression as they're like running out and before they smooch in the alley. It's like, is that a good impression telling a guy you're about to steal his daughter is not a good impression, bro. Yeah. And running down the alley with her is like, dude, no, that's not a good impression on Papa. No, never is. Never is. Well, and then he's like, ha, ha, you know, your dad can't say anything. He tried to forbid you from seeing me, but we're, we're still in love. And she's like, hold on, hold on. Are you a fucking crazy woman or what? Is it? Yes. But but for some reason this movie chooses to add romantic tension here.

This would be like if Carrie Ewell was grabbed Princess Peach or whatever the fuck she was called and like, gets her across the room and she's like, I don't know, I just feel like you're very possessive when we're around our friends. Like why? Why does the movie? He is literally come in and rush her out the door in the classic. I'll be taking my girl moment and she's just like, but Joseph Smith though, right? I mean, girl, I get it.

But like, maybe that's the letter you send before you come home to tell off dad. And this is the thing, this is every Mormon's just moment of orgasm or whatever. He says religion for his religion over because Lydia's standing there going like, right, but like why would he just be playing real cards though? The odds would be so much better if he was hitting with the A's just. And that's when he has the whole no. I love you, Lydia, but I love the religion that Joseph Smith made up the year before last, even more. Yeah. Look, this was painful. And I once got broken up with because someone had to go to a my chemical romance concert that summer and this scene in the movie was painful.

Whatever, stole my girl. Oh, my chemical romance. I do want to say this is basically the only point where we see the actual central conflict sharply and acutely aware in two characters. The conflict of this movie is Joseph Smith. Yep. If there is no Joseph Smith in all of this, there is absolutely no conflict. Right. And it's even clearer later in a couple later scenes. But the conflict is not belief in Christianity or a specific kind of Christianity. The conflict is Joseph Smith. He is the stakes in this movie. Yeah. There is no conflict without him. And it's very clear that even the characters who are written into this in the town know that this is a cult of personality,

that this is not just about the Bible, this is not just about interpretations of the Bible, this is about the figure who leads the community. That's the huge problem here. Well, right, the very next scene after that is Bob Steed and Martin talking about how Martin's gonna mortgages whole fucking farm for Joey's bullshit book. Yes. And Martin has this amazing moment where he's like, do you feel I'm an honest man? And look, it's a more than movie, so he's like, you're an honest man. But I wanted so badly for him to be like, no, Martin, but you're stupid, dude.

Right. Did you see the characters? One of them was just an M, man. It was just an M. One of them was the birthday cake, and he went, man, he used that like three times, some birthday cake. Yes.

First, I was sitting there at the whole time thinking, why is Pasta wearing a maternity shirt? Right. Thank you. That's all I cared about. Because they're closey, Shannon. Check your not having a big tummy, like you're always right in the middle of the shed.

I think that's like, he wears you're always right in the direction. Like he wears that the whole rest of the movie. I was like, is he trying to tell us something? Okay. Alright, so and then in the tradition of this fucking film, the next scene is two of the characters talking about the last fucking scene. God fuck you. Ma and Pa are now talking about the fact that Martin is going to mortgage

his farm to buy the, put a print the book that we're, we're five layers into telling us what already happened now. Yes. Right. But we do need to make dad unreasonable here. So he's going to give every argument except a good one for why they can't be Mormon. Yes. It's because Joseph Smith is used magic mind control on him. Uh, I will punch her son in the face. And I own you. Those are

my arguments. That's why you shouldn't be more. Oh, I love to do the whole idea that like they, they actually set the juxtaposition up so that like, oh, if only he was more progressive on feminism, he would, like, the wife would be allowed to be a Mormon. If only it wasn't for the fact that the other religions treated women so poorly, then she would be able to follow our heart and be a Mormon. I love the point that she makes here too because she talks about Martin Harris, mortgaging his farm. And then he says, he hasn't given the money to Joseph.

He's given it to the printers. Joseph won't see a penny of it. And my thought is until he sells a copy of the book, he's not haunted without his money. That's how a book works. Even if you're given it away, if you're then starting a church with it, it doesn't fucking matter. Look man, if somebody like bought all my food for me for two months, he didn't hand me the money either, but it helps. And share fucking helps. No, we'll see a penny of those hot pockets. And then we, we check back in with Joshua's, you guessed it, in a saloon.

we, we check back in with Joshua is you guessed it in a saloon. Okay, the only point of this scene is for him to find out that Lydia is going to marry his brother except, and it's boring and stupid except it contains truly the funniest interaction in the movie. The like henchman guy is like, oh, she and your brother and he pauses and like trails off. And then Joshua goes, what about him? And I'm like, what do you think, man? They're gonna duel at sunrise. No, they're getting mad. What about him? They made a human centipede. That's what happened, Joshua. You missed a lot in the year you bit God.

Like any of this should have even been a surprise to him. Yeah, right. And this is the only character with period, correct teeth. Yes. Just choose a goddamn century and stick with it. Yeah. Right. Fuck.

Why? Why? So why? Because only bad guys have bad teeth. That's a, that's a fucking hard and fast rule. If it isn't to Cohen Brothers movie, in which case, you can be an extra and have bad teeth. Only bad guys have bad teeth. That's a, that's a fucking hard fast rule. If it isn't to coen brothers movie, in which case you can be an extra and have bad teeth, only bad guys have bad teeth. In American film. Yeah. British film. Everybody has bad teeth.

No, that's fair. That's fair. Okay. All right. So Nathan, now he's got his own, Landy's got his own house, but we have a scene where he comes to see, he comes to the old family house to show Ma this brand new book of Mormon he's got. This scene is so stupid. Okay. Look, the whole point of this is mom's going to read the book of Mormon. She's going to check in with her heart that her time was wasted if she read Alma and it's not the true religion.

So now she's a Mormon, right? That's the point of this scene. But because this movie is established, these entirely dumb stakes of dad won't let her be a Mormon. They've got to do like a, I'm not giving you these drugs. I am, you're buying a sticker from me and I'm giving you a gift of these right. Yeah, because mom won't disobey her husband because, you know, like, hey, you know, being Mormon is important, but knowing your damn role as a woman is apparently more important by Mormon standards. And, but cis says, well, you know what? Technically dad never said, I couldn't have an ukube of Orman May. So, I think we've got ourselves our loophole,

right? Yes. And just sister's credit here. He's like, yes, see that works for everyone. And then he turns to her and he's like, are you going to read it? And she's like, oh, but you know such a crazy week. I got to go chicken, chicken, very long, but it doesn't look like it's crazy. I hear there are submarines. Those seem fun.

Wouldn't wouldn't that's right. Like to a dish. I hear there are submarines, those seem fun. Wouldn't, wouldn't. That's right. They're all tight like to a dish. I gotta read the pearl. I gotta read the pearl, the great price to get the submarines. I'm not gonna read it now. All right. Just boats. Don't waste a year of your life, people.

They're just boats in the main book. No, there's a submarine in the book. There's a submarine in the main book. There's a submarine in the main book. There's an ether, the book of ether. The book that puts you asleep. By the way, yes, exactly. The most boring goddamn thing that exists in the universe.

I was high for a lot of that. So, you know, it's probably a price, it's fault. You know, so okay. Thank you. Aladj Hadley. Oh, you said probably. No, we're good. Yep.

Yep. Yep. I think, yeah. I worked it out. So okay. So Nathan is out building this house all manly, like, right? He's always chopping fucking wood or playing in wood whenever we see him. And Pa comes to visit to have a talk about this book of Mormon shit. And of course, the dad has to be unreasonable about everything and he has to have great arguments for everything. So he's like, he actually goes with the,

but Pa, didn't your dad it die? So we'd all have the freedom to be Mormon if we wanted to. We, this white actor has been watching black actors give the Euro bigot speech to other white actors his whole life. He was so psyched to do it. He was like, a man like you comes down on a man like me and I was like, okay, cracker barrel. I believe the stars and stripes and I'm just like, good for you, kiddo. That in prof class at BYU paid the fuck off. And he ends this scene by saying, I used to be proud to be a steed. Oh yeah. Oh, apparently pride isn't is in territory in this family.

It also, it just weirdly is the trick that everyone in this family uses in the movie. Like everyone's having a different conversation than someone's like, I hate this family. Tag, tag in, tag in. Yeah. Right. Oh, I hate this. Oh, fuck, you already said it. It doesn't make sense.

No, fuck dad. Oh, I'm back in. All right. Yes. Yes. All right. So, okay. And now Nathan, he busts out his letter, right in box for a nice, sad voice over as he writes to Lydia. Dearest Lydia, if you just read the entire book of Mormon and see it's not real, Altotes, Mago's leave you alone. and see it's not real, I'll totes McGoats leave you alone. There you go. Yeah, no, he writes your love letter

and wraps it around a book of fucking Mormon. God. I was like, you know, bass at town, you are truly a Mormon. You are only happy with people making a choice when they make your choice. I mean, this is so stupid, it is boring as fuck.

And we have a plot life place? Well, that's the one thing that I wanted to get to is like, he wraps up the letter and there's like the sense of urgency about it that he has to give this package to his sister, Melissa, who then delivers it to Lydia. And it's like, I really sure hope she gets her book of Mormon before it's too late. Nothing happens. Right. Time's ticking on the nothing clock. Right.

I don't. Yeah. It is as though he is aware there are only a few minutes left in the movie. Right. Yeah. There are eight minutes left. And this is the conflict that we're getting. Well, it's sort of, yeah, right.

Because because sis goes to the shop and he's like, excuse me, shop owner, can you make sure that your daughter gets this? And he's like, excuse me, shop owner, can you make sure that your daughter gets this and he's like, sure, sure, who's it from? And she's like, a, a, a, a, hats, Nathan hats. Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve Nathan. It's a, stethan needs. That's it. Yeah. There we go.

Yeah, but he realizes it's a gift from a steed. So he throws it in the trash and I'm sorry, but the slow motion book of Mormon, running into the trash on top of coffee grounds where they coffee grounds are rat droppings. I couldn't tell. Well, let's go with rat droppings. It was so dramatic and amazing because of course, that's a moment that all Mormon share, right? you gave a book of Mormon to somebody and then watched them throw it and the fucking trip that dropping. Yeah.

Hey I bought my Mormon Starbucks they didn't come back because I asked them questions about horses but I bought them Starbucks. Well that's probably why they didn't come back right there. So Starbucks yeah. So that night Nathan's Mosheion through town and who should show up, but he is outlawed, Tavern Rat, brother Joshua. Yeah. Yeah. So there are so many plot holes by this point. It's like it's trying to walk on the plot itself is like trying to stay

on a single thread of a net. It's impossible to do. How did Joshua know that he was there? When was the conflict actually supposed to take place prior to this so that there was actual real conflict and what we're about to know? No, no, none of that. It's just, oh, Nathan is walking through town at night with the big bag of rice cuz Who the fuck cares and Joshua shows up and they get in a fight right and Nathan immediately tries to run away from him

Why that's the thing I'm not tell I'm not saying that there are not Holes in the script. I'm saying there are not plot holes in the script, right? How can there be a hole? If you don't have a blanket, there are no holes in the script, right? How can there be a hole? A block. Right. Exactly. You don't have a blanket. There are no holes in that blanket. Well, and then to make it even dumber, Josh shows up. He's about ready to whip Nathan's ass. Lydia fucking leaps out of a goddamn tree like a ninja and pulls a gun on Josh and says, no, you'll not have your way. And it's like, when the fuck did

anything happen that would justify any of this from anyone? Okay. So here's the thing. The only possible explanation is that Nathan and Lydia were doing some nice friendly CNC role play. She was supposed to pull the gun on him and then he was going to do all stuff to her and that alley. I get it. I've been there. And then Joshua showed up and really fucked it up for it. I will say one other thing about this scene is Nathan and look, we've seen some bad fight choreography. Nathan reacts to the stomach punch before Jonathan throws it. So he does a little like hop oof and then the actor playing Jonathan like moves his arm real quick. He's like, yeah, I got you with one of those time delayed punches.

It was a it was a force thing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It did show up. Yeah. Cause like, yeah, she pulls the gun, tussle, tussle. Now she runs off and Nathan has the gun, but he can't bring himself to shoot Josh. And once again, God damn it, the actor only quarter cocks the gun. It's unsafety. You fucking idiots. Cock the goddamn gun all the way. But also, so at this, so he pulled Nathan has the gun. Josh runs off, not to be seen again in the film, but we cannot ignore the exchange there because at the end, Josh is holding the gun to Nathan's, sorry, Nathan is holding the gun to Josh's face and he says, I don't hold any mallets and pulls the gun back.

And Josh, like shoves him on the ground and says, I do and then runs away. And then that's the end. Yeah. And the movie, the movie is so sure that that was a good line. It's like, I don't hold any male, as in he's just like, fuck you. Stupid. But stupid.

You got a stupid, no, brother. I hate you. I hate you. Yeah. And okay. So now we check back in on the Stead Household. There's no one has brother. You're a face. Yeah. Face is ugly. And okay. So now we check back in on the Stead Household.

Everybody sure is worried about Ha, right? Because he's acting. He's he's been bummed ever since he had that exchange with Nathan where Nathan point out that grand papy died so we could all be more and if we wanted, he's just been

bummed ever since then, right? Yeah. I think he's doing shrubs. Yeah, sure. Honestly, that's a better explanation for his complete overall of opinion in this scene. Well, the way they keep describing them, they're like, you know, we, I was out there talking to him for an hour yesterday, and it's like he didn't even notice. And I'm like, all right, well, then he's dead.

Like, guys, sitting up that happens. Sometimes the eyes don't close till you close them sometimes. Is he breathing? Yeah. It's that great thing with terrible writing where people make the time too long, right? Where they're like, I remember he was out at the lake for four hours yesterday, just staring in the distance and it's like, I'm sorry, four hours. And you were talking to him the whole time. And you didn't get a response. What were you talking about? That's an audiobook, bro.

Were you reading the fucking book of Mormon? But this is the big change of heart, right? This is where he says his feelings towards Joseph haven't changed, but he's not going to tell his wife what to believe in. Right. She can read the book of Mormon. Well, it's weird but he's not going to tell his wife what to believe in. Right. She can read the book of Mormon. Well, it's weird because he's like, look, I'm Valley Forge. I'm not sure about this, Joseph Smith, but you can read the book of Mormon, get baptized, go to his church and take our children. And I was like, well, geez, I'd

hate to see what you're into if you are sure about Joseph. All right. He's a dead. I guess I know what he is going to let him do when he's sure about. Yeah. I take that. And this is about married age. So. All right. So yeah.

So Joseph Smith has started the first Mormon church now. And Nathan is going to pick up the whole family to head on up state for a weekend to go check him out, right? He has to have was all shucks. I forgive you conversation with Paul. Yep. And we get I'm going to call this the Heath and Wright School of I Love Yous here at the end of the scene.

She's allowed to go and the daughter who's been narrating this movie in case you forgot turns around. She's like, I love you, dad. Oh shit, dad. Dad, did you hear me? I said, actually, let me stop the wagon. Dad, I love you. You're looking great at me.

So awkward. In my heart. Baby, wait, wait, wait, wait. And dad's like, I love spending time at the farm. It's so awkward. It's like, it's such an absolute fuck you to this daughter. And then once they're all the way off he goes, I like you too. Yes.

Now can we talk about Ma's hat pin? I was talking about what we want. We could bullsticks with that fucking hat pin. It was the hell of a long hat pin. I mean, hat pins in that time period were actually only about six to eight inches long, and they usually use two to hold the hat in. And the sharp end often poked right into your scalp

if somebody else was putting it in. I mean, they were awesome weapons against sexual harassment, too. And so, you know, I'm like, Mosti knows she's heading towards the king of sexual harassment. Because she stuck a fucking sword pin into the half, oh, no shit.

Two and a half feet long. I was like, this is sticking so far out the other side, she could poke her son's eye out just by leaning over to talk to him. I was like, lean over, do a little more, two more inches, two more inches, you can give him a scar. She's like, you know, I know I might have to take out Joseph and hire him together.

I'll pin their pants together like a fucking shishka, Bob. Yeah, hell yeah, man. I was like, holy shit, I want that happiness. God, damn it. Before they depart to, this is the first time, apparently that Nathan has seen his younger sisters for a while. And he's like, whoa, we're going to have to build a fence around you to just to keep

Joseph Smith away. Yeah. Right. There was a very awkward like, wow, you guys sure are fuckable, huh? Yeah. Got a moment. So now they're heading out of town. But before they can go, this is so goddamn weird.

Melissa, the narrator or sister has something she's got to do in town. So she says, you know, drive the wagon slow. I'll catch up. So she's going to run at wagon speed as she does all her stuff. Bad. Honestly, if Melissa had just been like panting and out of breath and throwing up because of a runner's work out. Oh my God.

This is just so fast. Do you know if that's what you're, even when they're pulling shit, it turns out, well, once they get the momentum, you know, the wheels, I want to point out that this is how convoluted and stupidly written this movie is, right? What we need to happen is we need Livia to find out that Nathan, who's in the movie, name my friends on the cart that Melissa is getting off. Right? We need to find out that Nathan gave her the book and her dad threw it away. So she's going to read the book and she's going to love him after all. But because this was written by someone making their way through a rat's maze

of the English language, Melissa runs into town, tells Lydia, did you get that package that I left with your dad? No, I bet he threw it out somewhere around here. Okay, bye. I gotta go catch him. It's even dumber than that, right? Because again, it's the writers not knowing how time works, right? She says, look, you know, I gave you that package a week ago and you never sent a reply to Nathan. And she's like, wait, a package a week ago, got it. Oh, you're dead. Must have thrown her away. And then she goes digging through the trash, which apparently they keep last week's rat droppings around for a while. Yeah. Right? Because she finds it in that trash can.

Right. Well, you know, they, they were doing one of those recycling programs and you had to throw all your plot trash into that particular panel. And the green bin is the bottle. They were very forward thinking in the 1820s. Yellow bin is the compost. Yeah. So yeah, so she reads his letter and he's got a Bible quote in the letter and she goes in checks and it's one of the lovy ones, not one of the I'm going to chop you into pieces and mail you to all of my different friends, passages, which is- Oh, I was really hoping for an Ezekiel quote. I was like, come on, you coward, do it, do it.

Do it. I was just, yeah, I was like, the garbage was incredibly clean and everything, but I was like, okay, she's in there going, I learned something there, I'm also in there, and I was like, how to think for myself and all that shit and I'm thinking, okay. So you want to go be Mormon like, how to think for myself and all that shit and I'm thinking, okay, so you wanna go be Mormon

where you can't think for yourself and everything. If you do, you get slapped down just because you have a vagina, really? Okay. Well, and of course, it's so goddamn stupid because they've sort of forced the situation where she gets to have the whole, but I was educated in a fancy school

and I know how to think better than you guys. So I'm Mormon now. It's like, really is that how it works that people who are more educated or more likely to be Mormon? She goes, you know, you guys are awfully intolerant of this religion that won't accept black people until 1978. And still doesn't accept a women. Right. Exactly. Exactly. It's a fucking day. But yeah, so she storms off to go be Mormon.

And that's when Joe starts his church. And then it does kind of like this musical montage where Joe's baptizing a bunch of folks and like she's going to visiting the shithole potunk place that she's choosing instead of her like lavish life with her rich family. And then like they do a cute little scripture exchange. Well, okay, so adorable. So yeah, so he gets home from the new Mormon church and he finds a little note that she's left with a quote from Ruth and he runs into check and see if it's the drunken handjob

part, but it's not. It's not. I was going to say, if I came home and my wife left me a quote from Ruth and he runs into check and it's see if it's the drunken hand job part, but it's not. It's not. I was going to say, if I came home and my wife left me a quote from Ruth, there's a coin flips chance. I'm getting laid tonight. I get some. Hey, let me get some drink and go lay. And you want to uncover my feet. It's the incestuous mother and law daughter and law porn. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so he checks the Bible quote. He sees it's a good one and he turns around and she's there and she tells him she read the whole book of Mormon and it's not evil at all. It's all the other negative words, but not evil. She says, I want to believe Nathan and I wanted her so badly to be like, it's just, it's got horses in it, dude.

You know there were horses. An elephant. He made a sword just by looking at what he looked at iron long enough to learn how to smell it. Come on. He smelted it with his mind powers. Oh, must have been. Oh, and then the two with them kiss Kish, as though they were both gay

and trying to fool their parents and a farce. Yeah, that's true. And then it's like, that's the end, right? Because there's like happy music, happy smiles, happy people with no chemistry, trying to smooch convincingly happy scenery and happy barns, because why the fuck not? And that's it. That's the whole movie. I'm not gonna get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you to get you on out. Alright, well, tell you what, we're recording a little later than Eli normally stays up ever since baby times have come to him. So, I think we got to wrap up quickly, but I do

have to thank you, Bryce. Thank you, Shannon, for hanging out with us. It's been a blast. If our listeners want to hear more from you, where should they go? The last box podcast. You can find us on Patreon and you can also find us on anywhere where podcasts live and come and listen find us on anywhere where podcasts live and come and listen to us. We're funny. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. Do a little bit about the more about the Mormon, the Exmo lifestyle. It's a great place to check in. Of course, we'll have links on the show notes. And well, that does a prior review of the work in the glory. That's not going to do it for the episode to shut because we still need to harmonize this month even further. So,

Eli, tell us what's on deck. The fighting preacher, Noah. Uh, you're not Eli. Get ahead, Noah. Right. Yes. Oh, get ahead. Yeah.

Okay. Well, with that to look forward to, my audience, I didn't change over mid-set and I expected one more time. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode, I think, 316 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch up with some of them, they're actually one of the per episode

donation to patreon.com.com. So I got off of them and they're by your early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help it to them by leaving a five star reviewer by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the scathing and the instantionated DNA minus and the skeptic ad available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies to gmail.com legal services for this podcast,

or provided by the love of this is a PA of your tours. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in performance by Ryan and slot N.E.V.V.L.T.S on Mars. All the other music was written in performance by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in our life this week

for Heathen, right? Neil Ibosnik, I'm No Illusions, promised to work hard to earn another truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Melissa got a welded chain, two oxen in a long pile. She pride the stumps out properly and then escaped to Canada, where she changed her name to Melissa Trudeau.

Fuck, yes you did. Statistically speaking, Joseph Smith eventually fucked Lydia. Eight years later, Joshua was murdered by Porter Rockwell. Also, Ethan Ipolt sticks at the next atheist conference. I let him win. This movie is part of a trilogy, so Bryson Shannon are going to be talking about these characters for a long, long time. Long time That's jammed for fuck you up here

Bring anyone on for movie one of a trilogy is our way of saying fuck Like it was planned The preceding podcast was a production of puzzuzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021 all rights reserved.