God Awful Movies - 317: The Fighting Preacher

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

This week, Dan and Doug of the How to Heretic podcast join us for an atheist review of The Fighting Preacher, the story of a ... fighting preacher. They really kind of spoil it in the title, honestly. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Hear more from Doug and Dan on the How to Heretic Podcast. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

This week's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, people think some huge trauma needs to happen before you can use therapy, but really, you can use therapy to get the tools before something bad happens. Visit BetterHelp.com slash awful and learn some new things to help navigate life. She's like, there I was, all on my own, and then a magical black man chopped all my wood and vanished. And literally he vanishes and she says, I'm gonna go get you a piece of pie.

She's yelling at him through the door while she goes in to get the pie and when she comes out, he's fucking gone. Like, I love the optics of that where she goes inside and like, you know, if it's not bad enough, she shuts and locks the door behind her. She rolls up the window to her house. That was fun. Oh, awful.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to God of the Movies. We're each week. We watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Ethan Wright, and I'm joined by the brains and the muscle of the Operation Eli Bosnicki. Eli, how's it going? Thank you, Heath. I did. Well, not a clap push up, but I did clap. I clapped while lying on the ground. You're ready for this. So yeah, getting yoked, psyched. And we also have two very special guest maskists. They're going to be the talent

of the operation. You know, I'm as two thirds of the uncles, Dan and Doug from the How-To-Heretic Podcast are here. Gentlemen, welcome back. Thank you. We're alive. Yeah, you got the good too. Also, Mark. So. All right, let's get right into this movie, I guess. Dan, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched the fighting preacher. It's the story of a violent sociopath invading a small peaceful community and attacking the townspeople. Literally.

As he begins the now century old tradition of Mormons amassing enormous tracts of land. But along the way, he does learn the most valuable lesson of all, that Mormons are just as persecuted as black people. They are going to try to say that a bunch. They really are going to make that argument. Also, did you guys do you have any idea how much land the Mormon church actually does own? I mean, if I were to guess, one million acres in the America's alone, okay, cool. You're just gonna read my, read my notes. That's fine. What? No, no, no. What? No. The Mormons actually own 2% of Florida. That's not that's real. They own more Florida than the mouse corporation. So that's a key. I wouldn't own 2% of Florida if you gave it to me. I was going to say is that some kind of punishment for the rest of the land they own. No, no, you bought too

much of Utah. You have to take 1% Florida. All right. Yeah, that's, that's about right. And Doug, how bad was this movie? Well, if you like underdog boxing movies, but always wish the underdog was a psychopathic dick that taunts his opponents like a child and never loses a fight, you will love this movie. Fuck yeah, you will. Also, also, if you like boxing movies that only have one scene of boxing, that's God God, there was so many times where I was like, I need it to be boxing soon. This is too much. It's supposed to be boxing.

Come on. Yeah, for real. All right. Is there anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, yeah. I got it. This movie had the best worst old age makeup.

Oh, yeah. I am literally never seen anything like it. They age this main couple from their 20s to 70 something and something went really very wrong because look, I know they didn't have the budget for like super good Hollywood prosthetics and stuff, but I literally could have done better with three

eggs of silly putty and some spray paint. He literally, he, he just looks like he developed severe cystic acne and somehow she ends up looking younger, but you know, with slightly grayer hair, it's the weird, I don't know, I think they got the Delta variant of the Benjamin Button disease. I want to nominate this film for best worst magic black guy. I know it's that's a bit of a spoiler, but don't worry, it won't matter to you or the plot or the characters of the movie at all. Yeah. The only black character in this movie will literally watch the characters right off into the sunset as though to say, wait, am I not going to be in the movie?

I think they showed him a totally different script and then just cut him out of it. Yeah. When he stepped in front of the camera at the end of the movie, I screamed. Oh my god, it's so bad. All right, I'm going to go with best worst movie poster. Now, I've pasted a shot of it here. So it's the fighting preacher and it's the guy. He's a boxer. Yeah. And he's wearing boxing gloves that say love on the right fist and kindness on left fist. Uh huh. Like, like he's in Cape Fear, but like the Mormon-ass of aggressiveness.

Cape Fear, it's so bad. There's also a Lynch mob and a wife who's way too young for him that seems to enjoy him in the way she's looking at him. Nothing makes sense. It also says he believed in the laying on of hands. And that is fantastic. He's a hot man. There are certain is fantastic that they will use throughout.

Can I just say, by the way, that one of the things that also doesn't make sense about this poster is just the fucking title of the movie, right? Because Mormons don't have preachers. That's not a thing that Mormons do. Nope. Also, this poster might leads you to believe that this is a movie about boxing. It what? Yeah.

Yeah, or preachers. Yeah. And I'm going to go with best worst costume and agronisms. Oh my God. Oh my God, we'll talk. This movie doesn't manage to stay time consistent within the same shot. Let alone the film. Oh no, not within the same costume.

Like one person later, yeah, we'll talk about it, but my God, someone's wearing a fucking rush t-shirt and an iPhone 5. And it's not just the costumes either, it's literally everything about this movie. Yeah, it's rough. All right, we're going to take a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about the fighting preacher. Brothers, the time has come again to write a Mormon history movie. God damn it, fine. Okay. Who didn't Joseph Smith rape this time?

Nope, we're doing a different guy. We're doing Willard Bean for this one. Willard Bean? Yeah, you know, the missionary who won hearts and minds in a town where he was hated for his Mormonism. Was, was he? Nope, nope, not really. But we can say he was, we can say they hated him. Yeah, that's true. I guess so, fine. Wait, didn't Willard actually win the town

over by paying giant bribes for so-called Mormon historical sites? Yes, yes, he did. But we are gonna say that he boxed people and baked him pies. And that's why everyone sold him a full third of the county because it pies. Because it's the pie. That doesn't make any sense. People aren't going to believe that.

I mean, Dave, our religion is based at least in part on a guy making an eight temporal steel sword by looking at it. But looking at it, no, that's a really good point. Let's make a movie. I want to get boxed. Hey, Lucinda. What are you doing here? You're not in this episode.

You're not in this episode either, Noah. Too shay. But I had a quick question about our wireless bill. Do you have any idea what this seven bucks a month for weather proofing is? What? And this five dollar a month greens maintenance? I And there's a fifteen dollar charge here that just says because you never know. Wow well if you're sick of paying mystery fees why not switch over to Mint Mobile? What's Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile is the first company to sell wireless service online only.

By cutting out the retail stores, there's no crazy overhead costs that get passed out to you in the form of mystery fees. Instead, Mint just passes on sweet savings direct to you. Well, that sounds great. If you already know about that, though, why are we still paying these fees? We're not. Actually, I switched over to Mint Mobile almost a year ago, and I'm literally paying less than a third what I was paying before. Their plans started just 15 bucks a month and

all plans come with unlimited talk and text plus high speed data delivered on the nation's the largest 5G network. Well then, the opening of the sad makes no sense. I know it's just kind of a theme that Eli has established. And the best part is I got to keep my same phone with all the existing context plus if you're not 100% satisfied with their service, Mint Mobile has you covered with their 7-day money back guarantee. Awesome. How do I, how does one sign up? To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped directly to your door for free, go to MintMobile.com slash game. That's MintMobile.com slash

game. Cut your wireless build a 15 bucks a month at Mintmobile.com slash game. So wait, dude, do we have to maintain our own greens then? I guess. It was not an abundant in the copy. Huh. And we're back. And we're going to start in St. Louis, Missouri in 1905 during a really sad boxing match, but it's actually for the world champion. We're going to make it. Yeah, the title card says, based on a true story, a true love story, and it starts with two men punching each other. And I was like, okay, movie.

I want to see where you go with it. All Mormon movies should start with a title card that says, based on a bunch of faith affirming lies. Exactly. Yeah. One thing they're not actually lying about here is this guy. We're about to meet him. His name is Willard Bean.

He was a world champion of boxing in 1905. His record, his lifetime record was eight and seven with three draws on top of that. But you lost the world champion. Yeah. It's a solid record right there. Eight and seven over 500. Well, this world apparently only consisted of a few dozen people. Yeah. Right. Also in the fine tradition of all boxing movies, there are 42 punches landed in the first three seconds. Not to be fair, this was when white people were in charge of boxing. So it was just everyone politely standing there, taking turns punching each other into

some of the felt out. Oh, yeah. This was like the old style boxing. Whoever first decided to stop doing the like, Marcus of Queensborough, like the fist curled up thing, they must have fucked everybody up for a while. Yeah. Punching normal. Yeah. And you can watch the video on YouTube.

It also pops up that it's TC Christensen. And I was like, fuck, I hate that I know what that means. Yeah. That my life that I know what's coming now. Yeah, you guys are probably very familiar with his uvra. Yeah, one of the producers was remember films, and I wrote my notes. That is the best name for a Christian producer ever remember films Remember when we made movies stupid. So now we cut over to Richfield, Utah where our stories gonna begin

Yeah, this is Willard Bean and his wife Rebecca and He says why do you love me? They're dancing together. It's supposed to be romantic. He says, why do you love me? And he says, I have no idea. I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, I really, I really, I really, really, I really, really, in 1905. My guess would be Valdosta, Georgia now. Sure. Yeah, that's possible. It's literally one of those places where when the Mormons all landed in the Salt Lake Valley, all of the bad people got sent far away so that they didn't have to deal with them. So we know they're from good stock. Oh, it's, it's the Australia of Utah. Yeah, right. Or the Georgia of the United States. Maldastinum.

Right. But this is going to be the plot of the movie. They have bought the Joseph Smith farm back in Palmyra, New York, and they need Willard being and his wife to stay there and restart the church. Yeah, or just squat on the land so that like nobody burns down the house or whatever. Right. They don't make any attempts, they really make almost zero attempts to proselytize, which is one of the first things that we notice that makes this not real life, because you know, that's what they would do.

And this is the inciting incident of the movie. This is where the, you know, that character should say to them, I want you to go to the, to live in this house and, you know, start the proselytize or buy the land that we've lost, something, you know, he doesn't really tell them what to do. Just go be there. Yeah. And then we find out what the mission is later in the movie. They send a letter in like 1905, which takes a fucking ever to go from Utah to New York

to eventually be like, okay, here's why we made you go to fucking upstate New York. It's a great actually plan. I'm actually in our meeting. You have to buy a hill for us on top of this. Yeah. That's the actual inciting incident that happens way later. That's true. Right.

Also, this is Willard's second wife. Like in real life, he had two wives. This is his second one. So that means they're not going to like fucking star cloud heaven together, right? No, actually, it doesn't mean that because as you know, Mormon theology, even after they ditched polygamy in practice here on earth, air quotes. You get, you still get to be a polygamist in the afterlife. So if this were her second husband, she wouldn't get to be in star heaven with him. But since it's a man with two wives, he gets to go with

both of us. Oh, I get it. So like, that's an amazing distinction. That's real. Yeah. You have like a starter Pokemon, but then you can collect other. Yeah. Pretty good stuff. Wow. Yeah. So bottom line, this old guy in the church makes them go to Palmyra and they flash to Palmyra for a second. And there's a VO of Willard being being like, this is a hostile area for us.

And when that, when that gets said, all we're watching is one black guy just sitting there. Yeah. Yeah. Black. This is a hostile. The optics on that were amazing. This may or may not be the first appearance of the magic black guy. I couldn't tell if it was the same actor, but there's, because there's no person of color

on the IMDB page. Again, this movie's pretty sure he's going to be in the movie, but no, no. Checkoffs, black guy remains on fire. He dropped his film. Yeah. And this is when Willard like pops out of the flash head. He's like, sorry, popping back out of the flash head. That sounds terrible going to Palmyr. Did you see that black guy?

That was ridiculous. And also, by the way, didn't we like fuck over or everyone last time we were there, like 85 years ago? Probably like murder and steal and do a whole bunch of bad stuff. Well church guys like yep, and now I hate to contradict you on this heath, but The real truth is that Palmyra is just where Joseph Smith's family lived when he decided to do a religion like He left New York for Ohio like a year after organizing the church and he had like seven members max.

So it's literally the only place in Mormon history where the Mormons didn't make a ton of enemies and they get run out of it. Exactly. So the whole plot of this movie is based on fucking nothing. There's literally nothing there. It's like Kentucky claiming to be the land of Lincoln. So sure enough, they pull up to Polmyra to see their new home. But this is where the wife is going to break the news that she, she gonna break.

Okay, she tries. So yeah, they're on their wagon on the way to this farmhouse in Palmyra. And Rebecca the wife is like, so Willard were Joe Smith's kids born at the farmhouse? And he's like, I don't know. He's like, oh, cool. Follow a question. Do they have any good doctors here in Belmire, New York in 1915? He's like, I don't know.

I don't know. They have kind't know. I don't know. They have gynecologists. I don't know. Why are you asking me all these questions? Do they have fetuses inside my belly here in 1915? And Belmire, and you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. And he's like, I don't know.

Look, it cuts to a title screen that says half a mile later and he goes, wait a second, you're pregnant. And I know that that's a comedy beat. And I don't want to be the person who takes everything too literally, but horse and cart cart into Google goes two to three miles an hour. That means 15 minutes to a half hour later, he was like, you're pregnant. And when he does figure it out, he does an impromptu backflip out of the cart onto the ground, lands it perfectly, which I gotta say is a solid way to establish that your main character is an athletic idiot. Like you've done a great job in one moment. That's why we start every

live show with Heath doing a backflip. Absolutely. That's right. I gotta point out, this is probably the best point to do it is David McConnell, who plays Mr. Bean, was actually, he has a pretty good IMDB page and one of the films he was in was Troll 2. You guys are getting here. Who is he Troll 2? Yeah. He was like, do you remember the scene where? No. This is true. The evil woman seduoses him with an ear of corn. Yeah. That's the guy. Yeah. All right. The universes are combining. This is interesting. Yeah.

Hey, it's something that this guy can be like, yeah, Trilto was the second worst film I've been in. Not great. I wish it was all like Trilto. But they finally make it to Joe Smith's family home and wouldn't you know what? It's shitty Hey, as they pull up he notices a note like attached to the door and literally goes, hey honey, you wait here in the cart for no reason. Nothing suspicious.

I'm just going to run up to the door really fast and then come back for you. No, you're acting weird. Shut up. Yes, I read a note while I was over there and I had a three, four minute panic attack. It's nothing. You're being weird. You're being weird. Nothing happened. Yeah, he checks the note and it is offering a $5,000 reward from the anti-mormon leak. For reference, I did a little search. That's $158,000 today. Okay, and it's not a reward. It's a bounty to be clear. So it's dead reward. Yeah, it says the where Mormons. Yeah. Can I turn some people in? Are they still offering? I know. I literally was like, does the anti-mormon league still exist? Are they still

paying out? Because I would like to either cash in or at least join. I would at least join. I will give them one Bryce Blake. No. No. Also, doesn't this mean they've had the anti-mormon league in this town in Palmyra for like 85 years with no Mormons in town?

And they just had it still go. Exactly. That is the most effective anti-mormon league that has ever existed. They are really good at what they do. I will say this, this scene was the part where I looked at Willard Beane's face and thought, oh yeah, that definitely looks like he's been hit a lot. So that, then I was like, okay, the casting makes sense. Yeah.

Yeah. Troll 2 was a violent set. It was very intense. So that night, they're going to get their first visitors from unfriendly townsfolk. Yes. And it is a salty sea captain, wimpy from Popeye, and a five foot tall 1830s French bicycle repairman with a rifle. That is extremely accurate.

That is who's at the door. And they're like basically, they've basically formed a lynch mob. They're presumably the anti-mormon league. So he opens up the door. I wanted him to be like, Hey, gentlemen, who wants $5,000. Yeah, it's like they formed a lynch mob and a bunch of people said they were coming on Facebook, but they're obviously disappointed in the turnout. Yeah, the town's three most diabetics, except the generians show up.

Except that it's three guys who are big and have a gun. Like they win, right? Like what the fuck? They are not aware though. So they're like, we all had a meeting, you guys have to leave. And he's like, I'm sorry, I thought this is America. So they're arguing back and forth. Then he's like, you know what? Why don't we box for it to settle this dispute? Okay, wait, wait, but he's doing the slowly threateningly undressed thing. But he's 1905 dressed.

So he's got to take off like six ruffles and a court sentence. It really loses a lot of it. It's a slow roll. You got to start doing that early if you're going to start into a boxing thing, but he's doing it. He's doing that whole thing. And he's like, all right, we're going to box for this. And you watched his gang that literally has guns, like you said, and they're like, we got guns, but he's like, weirdly confident. I don't know. Yeah. All right, regroup. We're going to come back. I don't know what to do. We don't know what to do. We're going to come back and they're like, we got guns, but he's like, weirdly confident. I don't know. All right, regroup, we're gonna come back. I don't know what to do.

We don't know what to do. We're gonna come back and we're gonna feed the staff. Yeah. They had to go back to the town's people and be like, he said no. You guys, you're so fast. Did you show him the gun? Did he know that you were threatening him?

Well, yeah. Well, what did he say? Well, he threatened to beat us up. But you had a gun, right? Yeah. Did you show him the gun? Yes. But did he have a gun too?

No. He did not have a gun. You're saying he did not also have a gun. But he took his shirt off slow. Yeah, it was very scary. You weren't there. You weren't there. He had a brother in his was in a very threatening manner.

He undressed in front of us like a French aristocrat. What do you want us to do? He took off his cummerbung. Well, since you've failed, we're forced to move on to plan B. What? Is that go back and shoot him? Worse. We're going to be super unfriendly like for lots of years. So, we're going to treat him like we'll treat our gay kids forever. Yeah, we should have got that whole conversation because it would have been hilarious. They don't do that. We do get the other side of it though. Willard goes back inside and Rebecca, his wife is

like, hey, honey, maybe a little bold on that. Did you know what the big metal tube was that they all had? I'll explain there. It's fine, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I really want to be like, no, I was trying to fuck those guys. And I even said we could go three on one. I thought I was essentially undressing nicely for them.

I was literally about to kneel down and then they just left. It was near. I would have loved it if there was a title card that said half a mile later. That would go, wait a minute. Hold on, that's a gut. that said half a mile later. And it goes, wait a minute. Is that a gut? Is that a gut?

Yes. So we cut to the next day, the wife is washing the walls and setting everything up in the new house. Also, she had one of those like shitty Walmart signs for the wall, like no cousin, no muscle, no backdoor, like in 2015 on her wall. Liveth, laugheth, loveeth. It was literally like computer printed, crossed it. It was not good.

So now he's going to head into town. And this is where we're going to get a first taste of that unfriendliness at the buggy shop. Well, except can I just say he tells her that he's heading into town and says, I won't be back until late. And she gets worried, what the fuck is he doing in upstate New York in small town in the middle of the night out there, fucking like nothing's going to be open. He doesn't know anybody. I don't know.

I might do some Molly roll a little bit. I'm going to hang out. I'm not really like the worried look on her face is not for her own safety, but because she knows that he's about to bring something back from the brothel that he's about to that he's clearly ended off to. Yeah. That's a deleted scene that you can only get on. Just him being refused service at the brothel.

Come on. But sure enough, that is what happens to him at the brothel. Come on. But sure enough, that is what happens to him at the buggy shop. He needs a new smagel tree for his buggy and they're like, we're not going to sell it to you. And I really wanted the rest of this movie for him to just be slowly taking his shirt off every time. So it has the feel of, we look, we don't serve colored, I mean, Mormons here. Yeah.

It's exactly that scene. I'm sure that there was a moment when one of the actors is like, really, we're being this harsh and it's just a Mormon. What's happening? And can I just say, like, look, the rest of this movie will be about this, but it is amazing that Mormons have literally run this play everywhere they have ever gone ever, right? They show up somewhere. They're like, I'm not a crazy cult. Don't be racist. You can be racist against me. And everyone's like, all right, fine. You can be part of our I am God Emperor. So there is a legal. There

it is. Okay. When you said, I'm not a crazy cult at the beginning right away. I was just like, now I feel like you are. And then you said that just now really loud in the middle of the night. You're not married. You're not married. If you've been chased across an entire continent because everywhere you stop everyone hates you, look in the mirror. You're the problem. It's time for some introspection. Yeah. And then he's going to get heckled outside one of the again, I love more anti-Morman heckles in these movies.

Someone stops him and goes, hey, Willard, seeing any angels lately. Yeah. Which is a solid Mormon burn actually from that time. Someone sprays him with a hose and he assaults that person. He assaults that person. Yeah. Well, this is, here's the thing. At this point in the movie, crazy billionaire money, I want to remake this movie, told from the perspective of the

townspeople, because the being family is a violent menace. And the townspeople have to better movie. And the townspeople have to band together if they want to survive. If you think about this from that perspective, it's a much better movie. I want the perspective of the one black guy. The protagonist of this movie who just moves mysteriously throughout the film. I got to say though, this guy, first of all, this guy sprays him with a hose and then he lays him out, literally knocks him out one punch through the rest of the scene. The guy is just laying there completely still. Like it's not good to be unconscious on your back.

No, I don't think. That's like attempted murder. And nobody rushes to his aid or anything. Yeah. This is a professional world champion boxer. Literally, that's like attempted murder with a deadly weapon. You're in jail. Right.

You should be in jail. Yeah. Straight up the soul. Honestly, Mormons, do you really want to invite comparisons between your guy, the hero of your movie and fight club? I don't know. I just feel like.

And it's weird because it's played as such a wacky, schmackety, do comedy beats. Yeah. Right? Because it's just like wood, old man. And he's old too. It's not like a young, healthy man was fucking with him. He's like an old 65 plus year old man. This is not the last old man that he will just lay out.

No, either. But I do got to say, Palmyra has really good water pressure. It is, right? And modern hoses, it's very impressive because it doesn't seem like they would have had hoses that just squirt water in that time, but fine. He takes out a super-soker. Okay. I feel like this is so inequanistic. What is that? just squirt water in that time, but fine. He takes out a super-soker. Okay.

He's like, so in ecranistic, what is that? So now the town is gonna try their hand at scaring Rebecca out of town. They show up at the door as she's sweeping in the dark alone. Yeah. She's just moving dust to a slightly different area of the floor. Whatever.

There's that. Then she answers the door and she's like, my, my husband's not here, but, you know, considering the fact that all of our encounters in this town have been incredibly hostile, please come in. Okay. Isn't it very, like, they're pretending to be Mormon seekers here, but she just doesn't get that like. So I felt down a crazy rabbit hole with this. So a ton of this movie apparently is based on the fire side chats of Rebecca Bean.

That's right. What? Okay. Can you guys explain what the fuck these fire side chats are? Cause I can say what I googled they are, but do you have any idea what they actually are? Oh my god. It's the Mormon lecture circuit. Yeah.

A disproportionate amount of my youth was wasted at fireside chats. There is no fire. There's nothing so exciting. They're just talks. They're just a Fridays and Saturday nights. You go to the church house and an old person tells you a clearly made up story. Okay, because that is what this incident is based on is Rebecca story and actually found it on like Mormon.org or whatever the fuck it is.

I found like a copy of her telling this story, the transcript and she's like, one night I opened the door and everyone started yelling at me. But then I prayed to Jesus for help and they all laughed. Which, that's what we watch, yeah. Just the realism for, I want their version where they're like, hello, we need you to know that you're a sinner and Mormonism is wrong and she just like slowly starts to shit herself and they're like, you know what, we're gonna go. We're gonna go.

No, but you gotta understand that Mormons love this narrative. Like the whole idea that mean people will see the holiness and the sincerity in their countenance and just be awestruck. But they fucking love that shit. Yeah, every, every Mormon has a version of this story that they'll spend their entire lives workshopping. Oh, and they do. They workshop it. This is how you know that the fire side chat means that it's fake because she would, she started to tell this story at one fireside chat and it does, and she just, you know, she just workshoped, got it better, honed and refined, crafted, until it was like completely not based in any kind of reality, but was a much more faith affirming story.

What I'm hearing is Mormonism is the first gamer cake. Ethics in gaming journalism. Yeah, thank you. No, Eli, you're spot on to this. So we find out at the end that her husband died and she lived another 27 years. And basically her job was to tell these stories over and over. So several times for the rest of the movie, we're going to find ourselves in these utterly bizarre narratives, where it's just her telling, you know, this story. So that, yeah, that's exactly what happened after this. You're 100% on.

Yeah, I wish they had like a different tint to the lens every time we were getting one of her most hit stories. They will, I admit, get crazier than one time people came over and were rude and I shat myself and they left. But yeah, this is definitely the first one. So now we watch them walking in town and, oh, everybody's shunning them. Someone crosses the street so they don't get Mormonitis. And this is where she's searching for a nurse for her baby.

I love this scene. Right. And they all refuse her service. Yep. Everyone of them, didn't they take their hip-apotomous oath? Although she's Mormon, she should be very used to doors being slammed in her face. Yeah, so we cut back to the farm and all she's so upset. And we I don't know why they kept this scene in the movie. She's like, well, it seems like you're going to have to deliver my baby Willard and he's like, you gross. Yeah, pretty much.

That's your vagina? Yeah, so. And there's no arc to this. Remember, he says no gross and eventually gets rescued from having to actually do it. Yeah. There's no like mobile where he's like, all right, I love you. I'm gonna do this. We're gonna get through it together.

Nope. Nope. She literally says, you've delivered horses and cows and he's like, all right, I love you. I'm going to do this. We're going to get through it together. Nope. Nope. She literally says, you've delivered horses and cows and he's like, yeah, but have you seen yourself down there? It's disgusting. Yeah, honey, I have a strict policy regarding human vaginas in only after she said that I really wanted to flash cut over to him up to the shoulder and hurt. You said I should do that.

Man, it means that gloves that go all the way up to his shoulders. So they get doors slammed in their face some more. We cut to him shoveling mud on his farm and apparently someone stopped by just to tone to fuck himself in the city. A guy starts like 200 yards away and just berates him the entire way. It's so long. Look at it right up to a Mormon guy. Fuck you. And then he punches that guy in the face and knocks him out too. guards away and just berates him the entire way. It's so long. Get rid of him. A moron guy fucked you. And then he punches that guy in the face and knocks him out too.

Knocks him out. Yeah. Another 60 plus year old man. Yeah. I mean, everything was fatal back then, but certainly getting knocked unconscious was fatal in 1905 or whenever it was. Everything was fatal. Yes.

Absolutely correct. Also, one little detail in the scene, there's a cow. So we learned a cow and the camera keeps going to the cow over and over while this guy's yelling Mormon slurs at him. I thought the cow was going to get involved. Yeah, I did not seem like that was going to part my mind. So did the fucking cow, my friend. It's even worse. You know what it was? Is every time the guy was berating him, every time he was supposed to swear They would cut to the cow mowing Yeah, that hilarious

True. Yeah, the only explanation I had is that this was based on the cows fireside chat You know your movies well written when one of four people is the only one who gets the joke and he had to watch it twice. Amazing. So the cow is like the Swiss cheese porn of like the audio in this moment. So now he's going to read a letter from the Mormon church. And by the way, this is where they're going to correct themselves. Like we talked about earlier, like, oh shit. Yeah, I should have told you, please also buy the hill and like three quarters of the

rest of the county while you're there. Yeah, but I forgot to tell you why you rode your buggy across North America. Right. I love the idea that, hey, you know that hill that we claimed Joseph found priceless antiquities made of literally hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of dollars worth of pure gold buried in. Yeah, go see if the owners are willing to sell that. When he started reading the letter, I thought it was going to say, dear brother,

bean, we've heard some disturbing reports of violence by you upon the town's folk of Palmyra. Did you punch out an old guy for spring? You with a, okay, I have a question. So this letter, we see it for a second. And it says, from the 12, who are the 12? What is that? The 12 apostles. Do I? Okay, I still have no idea what we're talking about. There it's, look, we really don't need to go into the entire structure of the Mormon church, but it's just the higher ups. There's the profit and his first presidency. And then there's the quorum of the 12 apostles and they're all

very, very important. Oh, it's like a rotating Senate body. That's exactly right. Yeah. Exactly. Based on how much you donate to the church. Oh, so it's like a rotating Senate body. Yeah. It's 15 literally interchangeable, very old white men. Yeah. Yeah. It's 15 literally interchangeable very old white men. Yeah. It's like a rotating Senate. But this is where we're going to meet Mr. Never. He's going to be as close as we'll get to a running joke in this movie. They go to this hill and they're like trying to check it out and he shows up again, with a gun shoots

into the air next to them is like, get the fuck off my hill or I'll murder you. And they're like, are you not doing like an open house right now? Can we? Okay, gun, don't got it. Got it. You're not. Okay. Well, in his way of dealing with the, the beans way of dealing with this guy is to get

really bitingly sarcastic at him for so long. Yeah. So, so long. And then, and then after he has just like literally taunted a man with a rifle or with with a shotgun who has already proven that he's willing to fire it, he then goes, ah, but let's be friends. You want to be friends?

Shake hands. come on. It's the best. And that guy's like, are you being passive? I can't tell if you're being passive. I don't know what's happening right now. My metal tube, I thought I had power because, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening.

And the guy is literally trespassing. Also, yes, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And can we talk about like, does anybody really want this hill? I mean, it is not a hill. It is a hill. Like, it is the most useless piece of land in America. Yeah. It's kind of amazing.

I think you're right, Heath. I think that maybe the thing that makes this movie make sense is that Willard being didn't know what a gun was. I really think that's true. Yeah. We actually get another scene later where it makes even more sense. Yes. Yeah. We get a flashback. He didn't know like 20 years ago what guns were either. Yeah. If you get hit in the head enough, you actually come down with a condition called gun blindness. Yeah. But at the end of the scene, he says,

what's your name? And the guy says never. And again, that's going to be the running joke. He's Mr. Never. So that night, they're talking about how does Willard stay so positive in the face of all this very real, very historically valid oppression? Which his answer is just, I hit people. I've been trying to hit people. Have you tried, have you tried hitting people? It works great. We're going to get a flashback to his first mission in Tennessee in 1893. He tells us that the Mormons they sent before him got murdered. And so they were like, all right, we should send our violent guy. Maybe our violent guy can make some progress there. Totally. And he went to a part of the South made entirely of Dutch angles. Yeah.

Yeah. Dutch angles in Cpia Town, some main experts exports of this town. And when he was, he's surrounded by this armed mob, I guess they're mostly armed with, no, they had guns, they had guns. Yeah, several. And I swear the tenor of the moment

was he was going to offer up his younger companion as a sex slave. I was very sure that he touched his face with the back of his hand and kind of pushed him forward. I'm like, Oh, this is happening. You got to do what you got to do. But no, he goes like he has a pretty mouth. You should take him.

He goes, well, I'm going to do a miracle, but I can't do it while he's watching or whatever. So he sends the younger guy down the road and he's like, all right, sign, sign, punch you in the face right away. And this is he's telling the story to his wife who she's witnessed him knock two, at least two people out and maybe explain to him what a gun is. This is what I started this is another combination of Williams and I know what a gun is, but also another like Lynch mob of guys with guns who's not know what a gun is, but also another like Lynch mob of guys with guns who don't know what guns are because they get one of them

gets punched in the face and none of them are like, oh, we shoot this guy now. It takes him a while to realize they have guns that are metal tubes that shoot gun bullets and we hear them shooting after him far after he's run away like a minute later. It's yeah. Also, do they know that guns actually have that kind of range? Because it literally punches their leader in the face, starts to run. And then we hear gunshots, but they don't, are they aiming? I think it was literally not far enough away that they shouldn't, they should have hit

him. He should be dead. Hold on, come back. We want to do a magic trick for you now. It's a good magic trick. Stand up that pop. He's gone. All right. Well, I think we're going to take another quick break. And then we'll be back with more passive aggressive boxing movie action and act two of the fighting preacher. Hey, hun, what do you think of for dinner? Ooh, if you say hot pockets, I'm getting my hammer. Oh, okay.

Oh, I have a question. If you're gonna ask if we can make lasagna with fruit, roll ups, and gummy bears, the answer is still new. Why do you even ask me then? Has this ever happened to you? This has definitely never happened to any of them. Okay, but has How's this ever happened to you? This has definitely never happened to any of them. Okay, but as stuff like that never happened to you.

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That's hellofresh.com slash awful14 and use awful14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. Hello, Fresh. America's number one meal kit. Now about dinner tonight. Warm pocket. From the makers of the fighting preacher and, well damn pretty much every Mormon movie set before 1950. You get out of here, Mormon, or as we call you in our very, a real, very relevant historical slur, Mormon. Comes a story of triumph that is as hard to fact-check as it is to believe. We'll kill you, Mormons, and then we'll write in every newspaper and

historical document and personal letter and also several other pieces of physical evidence that you started it. A story of hope, faith, and people randomly changing their minds about 20 minutes before act 3. I'll tell you this, no Mormon will ever marry my daughter. And that's 60 minutes into the movie. Never mind, I love you. You're the son I never had. This summer, Mormon hearsay story movie. And we're back. And now a midwife shows up at the bean's house finally. And I was really hoping

at this moment that she was actually a spy sent by the anti-Mormon League. But okay, we need to talk about this because her performance is, I'm a spy. Okay, it's not, it never plays out. So that means that actress just walked in and was like, hello today in America, where we both are. I am here for baby delivering human. Not going to want to be a normal midwife. Did you? You're a chupacabra. What? And again, this is where we get the payoff off to the him not delivering the baby thing. She's like, oh, you're not going to have to deliver the baby. And he's like, oh, that's too bad.

I really wanted to help with the vagina stretching and the watching you shit on a table and big chunga is coming over and ripping you in half in front of me. And then everyone acting like it's normal and never letting you deal with it. He literally does the hug her and look up and mouth the words, thank you to Jesus. Yep. The upside is in the remake of this movie where he's the villain, we don't have to rewrite his character at all.

Right. Yep. So we cut over to the birth of a baby. It's a girl, which in Mormonism is a prank. And they've named her Halmyra, the eighth worst name you can give a girl, which in Mormonism is a prank. And they've named her Halmyra, the eighth worst name you can give a girl. Well, yes, but in the Mormon tradition, it's spelled P-A-L-M-E-I-G-H-R-U-A. Now, this is a Mormon thing to name your kids after where they're born. My given name is 2300 East.

But there's a great moment here where he goes up the stairs to see her and six years past and young Palmyra comes down the stairs. And they do it in a single shot, which I actually kind of appreciated the fact that he went up the stairs. He clearly jumped down a window ran around the house. So he could come back into the scene. And I'm like, all right. That's what happened. So now we cut to the little girl's first day of school and wouldn't you know it?

The teacher is going to be mean to her too. By the way, little pal Myra is by far the best actor in this movie. Oh, he's thoughtful. Lightful. As a actor, but also the character does some really good stuff, including in this scene. So what? Here's one detail. The teacher about the comedy, the comedy beat.

Yeah, this is the funniest thing in the entire movie, but in a lot of movies. So the teacher puts Palmyra in a desk all the way in the back of the class, but it's not just in the back. It's facing the wall instead of facing the front of the room. So it's just like you deal with that fucking Mormon, whatever. And immediately the teacher starts the lesson and Mira starts dragging the desk back. It's the right direction. So fucking loud.

It was so loud. The best. So look, credit where credits do. I think this was supposed to be a comedy beat and it fucking hit that jam there's seven minutes of this movie where this little girl's just like so the first president of the United States is George. Hey, Palmaira, you want to stop? So the first president of the night.

So I want to heard it like go all the way to the front of the room. Like just like dragging other desks out of the way. Or she just or she just moves her desk until it's out the door and she leaves. Just smuggles herself out. Also, there's a grown man who is six four two hundred fifty pounds in this class. Yeah. Alden is. You held in his 40. is clad. Yeah, Elden is you

child in his 40. The one room schoolhouse goes all the way through the PhD level. So now that the movie is thoroughly established its persecution narrative, it's going to remind us that black people existed just for

one scene, but that black people did in fact exist in 1905 two. This is a most amazing scene. It's the magic black man. Can you imagine not recognizing the optics on a black guy just showing up out of nowhere to do free labor for a white woman? Yes. They do not catch the problem with any of that.

That is the scene. That's what happens here. Yeah. Literally he shows up and he's like, looks like you're having trouble chopping wood. I'll just start doing it now. I'm not afraid of hard work. You're good people. He's like, laymanite. Sorry. I mean, hello. Biggest tree is hard for both of us equally, right? Because of our two situations being the same. Great. Yeah. And he basically shows up to spout every line of dialogue that Morgan Freeman would get before he turned 30. Yeah, and I just want to throw this out there. This is,

and you probably already guessed this, also based on one of Rebecca's fire side chants. Again, all of the transcripts are too long. It would fill up too much show time to read them, but the way she tells this story, it's a ghost story. She's like, there I was all on my own and then a magical black man chopped all my wood and vanished. And literally, he vanishes and she says, I'm gonna go get you a piece of pie. She's yelling at him through the door

while she goes in to get the pie and when she comes out, he's fucking gone. Like, I love the optics of that where she goes inside and like, you know, if it's not bad enough, she shuts and locks the door behind her. She rolls up the window to her house. It is a whole scene to justify the notion that it's just as hard to be a Mormon as it is to be a black guy. This guy said so, but, you know, he doesn't trust her pie enough to stick around, I guess.

Yeah. I really want to hear that story from the black guy's perspective. Hey, honey, how was your day? Oh, it was, uh, it was weird. It was weird. Oh, yeah. How so? Okay. So, you know, those Mormons that everyone's always was weird. It was weird. Oh, yeah, how so? Okay, so you know those Mormons that everyone's always picking on?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I see the woman, the woman Mormon, chopping wood outside and she's crying. So I offered a helper. Oh, that was nice of you. Yeah, I thought it was. I thought it was. So I'm chopping her wood and she says,

okay, let me go inside and get a piece of pie to thank you. Oh, she didn't offer to pay you. She did not offer to pay me. No, no, with pie, that was it. That's kind of rude considering that time period. Yeah. Well, it gets worse actually. I'm waiting for the pie and I'm chopping. I finish. I wait for like 20 more minutes after that. And then I just leave, didn't even get the pie. Didn't even get the asshole. Right? Yeah, fucking Mormons. Do you know they won't believe that we have souls for 64 more years? I do know that about them. Yes. That is true about them because we are black people.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's what happened. That's what happened. Yeah, 100%. So we check on the daughter. She's getting hated at school some more. Yeah, that's what I'm having. That's what I'm having. 100%. So we check on the daughter. She's getting hated at school some more. We have a weird bread eating montage.

Guys, you want to help me out with this? Well, okay, so these are things that non-mormons won't catch, but yes, they do the sacrament. It is, it is basically a eucharist, but since there's no congregation there, they have to do it just sort of by themselves. Oh, you guys do like full like baguette instead of the little cracker. Well, it's, it's wonder bread. In fact, wait, literally, literally, and I would have loved. I'm not getting, I would have loved this thing so much if he just reached into a bag of wonder bread and pull back one slice. It can be any bread. You can choose whatever bread you want.

That is one of the perks of being warm. That's cool. Avocado toast. Are you allowed to have butter because in this montage, it's nothing on the bread and they're all like, it's not just bread. And to be clear, it's not just not buttered. It's not wine. So it's bread and water. Yeah,

really, and you're not allowed to butter. No, no, that would be that would be blasphemous. I don't think anyone's ever tried. Inquire, maybe ask the 12 about that. Yeah, exactly. We're gonna we're gonna speed ahead some more here. They had another kid. Don't worry. He will never matter to the plot. No, this is again. So this is another fireside chat. We're going to lead into this. Now they're hosting missionaries. I just want to say, hey, congrats on your 20th century missionaries. Look exactly the same as your modern missionaries. Oh my God. It is the wardrobe of these four missionaries is so bad. Later, one of them is wearing, he's wearing

a bowler hat, he's wearing a jacket with lapels that are four feet wide. A modern white shirt, like dress down shirt, and a 1970s polyester tie. It is the weirdest, mishmash of clothing. They look like they're all on trial for a sex crime and they're smiling widely. I've got a psyched about it. I've, the, when they walked up to the door, they were dressed like prohibition era gangsters and they were carrying giant suitcases. Like get out. Well, and the, the other thing that you guys aren't going to have caught is that she introduces, they introduce themselves in a way that missionaries wouldn't because all missionaries would be like, I'm elder Smith. This is elder Jones. That's elder blah, blah, blah, but they say their full names. And the reason is because the last name is elder Gordon Hinckley, who

grows up to be one of the presidents of the church. It was just what it was a really cool like little nod. Oh, it's like a deep cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Marvel nerds loved it. Yeah. Exactly. Winner's soldiers in the background. Yeah, it literally he was, he was actually originally going to be played by Stanley, but they. And this is where we get the like majesty of Joseph Smith's forest scene, but it's just

the shitties forest in Manheed's hometown. Yes, and I swear this is what they did. They use what must have been hero shots from like, you know, Mormon's, you know, the Mormon church filming in actual Palmyra. So when you're like looking at the forest, it's this gorgeous forest, and then you cut back to them and they're in this freaking field. Yeah. Yeah.

And literally this little girl is giving them a tour of it and being like, welcome to the Sacred Grove where Joseph saw God and Jesus do not eat any of the mushrooms you find. Or do and start your own church. You'll get your own religion out of it. It's cool. Yeah. And they're all pretending to be crying here and it's like this big spiritual moment. And then they finally get back to the house from the Sacred Yup. And they're all pretending to be crying here. And it's like this big spiritual moment. And then they finally get back to the house from the sacred grove. And one of the missionaries is like, here little girl, here's a tip for the magical tour. And she's, I fucking love this character. She's so good. She's like, Oh, a nickel. Cool. Cool. Yeah. I showed you the literal landing spot of God. That's fair for a nickel. That's good

And so finally when I'm like fine. I'll give you a dime But he takes the nickel back and gives her a different thing. Yeah, it gives change Dick she's like cool. I'm trying to tie it over here. You're a cheap fucking bastard's fine Whatever all I've got is a five do you have four what nice five? Whatever. All I've got is a five. Do you have four or what? No, it's five. So that night, the elders are telling Rebecca how famous she is for giving everyone a nice dinner and she's going to tell them just how she manages it. Podcast listener, whatever you think she's about to say, you are wrong. You are not ready for what's about. First

of all, I do want to point out that she is definitely not wearing turn of the century temple garments in the scene because I can see her whole collarbone. Well, interesting speaking of which, here's the story she tells. You guys tell me when it becomes porn to you. So she says, I'm chopping wood and weeping. And I was like, I'm going to be there. And now, now, now, that's what I'm going for. Yeah, that's what I'm going for. Yeah, that's what I'm going for.

And then this impossibly good looking man shows up at the front door. And she's like, this beautiful man shows up at the front door. And I didn't know how to pay for whatever. You forgot the pizza. He was paying for pizza. But I'm here to fix the cobble. Right. Carl hungus shows up except way more attractive.

And then she adds and also some other old guy was there already at my house and I was like, okay, interesting. Yeah. This is shaping up interesting. Okay. It's a step something. It's cool. And then one of them, the young guy turned into Jesus here.

Is that what happened? Yep. Well, he shows up in the form of a stately Southern mayor and then turns into Jesus off-screen. Okay. He is literally, when he shows up, he is literally like Franklin Graham's pool boy, or not Franklin Graham. Who's the other one? Jerry Fowell, Jr.

Fowell Jr. is pool boy. But then yeah, apparently at the end he turns into Jesus. So she literally, she has just told these four missionaries that she fucking saw Jesus. And that's just like, meh to them. Yeah, they're just like cool, but you know, pretty run of the man, to them. Yeah, they're just like, cool, but, you know, pretty run out of the mill, I guess.

Her story is, how do I make so many pot roasts? Because I literally received a pep talk from the savior of the world, Jesus of Nazareth. And they're like, cool, cool, cool. So we're headed to Rochester next. Yeah, literally. Who is the other old guy? This is what happens when a Mormon woman sees Jesus. It's only it only counts as

She's a man. He's another famous old Mormon. I forget who it was, but it's another known character. Oh, so she added that to the to the chat just to be like and the guy was there to witness this all this is all real. Yeah, there was an apostle there. So it's true. You have to believe it. Obviously this came from one of her fireside chats and So it's true, you have to believe it. Obviously, this came from one of her fireside chats and clearly, I bet you that guy stayed with her, but he's so much older that he was long since dead by the time she was telling this story. So it was just a perfect little suicide of, yeah, perfect crime. This is also where the little girl comes home and she's sad because everyone was bullying her and the mom tries to do the like nobody like Joseph Smith either pep talk and

she's like, yeah, but didn't they murder him? And she's like, yeah, they did. They did. That's a, that's a really good point. But Willard is bothered by this, which means he's going to go have a like punching memory montage in the barn. Yeah. Rebecca goes looking for him and sure enough, he's just sitting there staring to the middle distance. I wanted to be like,

Han, you having a doodly-dood earlier in the game. Literally, he's like, I don't get it. People still don't like us here. I've tried everything. Right cross, jab, up and down. Not to get through these people. It almost seems like violence isn't the answer. And then his wife goes, well, maybe you should try all of them together. That's brilliant. Yeah, literally her answer is, let's try fighting more.

Seriously, seriously, they're gonna, so I was excited because I was like, okay, they're gonna box it. There's gonna be boxing finally. But literally their plan is to punch people until they're more men and to make friends that way. That's what to be boxing. But literally, their plan is to punch people until they're Mormon and to make friends that way. That's what's happening now. And can we just say honestly, if they just went through town beating the shit out of

everyone to we're not going to take it, this is both my favorite movie and I'm a Mormon now. And it's close to that. It is pretty close. Oh my God. So that night he's eaten his pre-fight entire pie. I sympathized with him during the scene. And the wife, why isn't this in the movie?

The wife just shows up and she's fat shames him for eating a pie. She's literally like, babe, you haven't fought for a while. You're like super fat and lazy now. Maybe you have an old timey rocky training montage just to take some of the edge off. And they really rip off rocky here like raw eggs, punching stuff. He even does the like arms up in the air at the top of the hill celebration thing. It's a weird homage forward to several hundred years. Yeah, but this is also where we get my favorite moment in the entire movie, which is where

Palmyra, he's holding up his hands and she's, she's boxing at his hands. And then the wife distracts them both and she cold clocks him in the jaw. So hard. It is so good. This kid is the greatest. She really hits the actor. The actor definitely got hurt. It was like, God His kid is the greatest. She really hits the actor. The actor definitely got hurt.

It was like, God, it's like troll two again. Put the fuck on. Well, and then there's a scene where he's part of his training is to run up the hill he's trying to purchase with a hammer in each hand, which is probably not the best strategy when you're trying to purchase land. He's supposed to go charging to it with two amers. Yeah, so now it's fight night. And okay, this is the weirdest.

Why did they include this whole thing? Okay, let's talk about the challengers. None of the challengers are in shape. There's one guy who is around his age. Everyone else looks like John fucking goodman. Yeah, or a child. Yeah, there's also a child or a baby. When they go into the montage of him beating these people up, at one point a child comes up to him in the ring. He uppercuts the kid. The kid's head flies off basically. He killed a child. I can real life. A professional boxer

hit a kid like that. the kid's dead. Yeah. He turned that kid into a pesdesspenser. Yeah. This montage is so weird because you're like, okay, this must be what wins the town over, except it's not. We just watch him beating the shit out of people and everyone in the crowd being like, boo. Yeah.

Boots. Stop hitting us. In the remake of this movie, this is where the town finally comes together to train rid themselves of this guy and he cleans their clocks. Yeah, I don't, it's so weird. It's literally, like literally the first guy steps up. He hits Buster and the guy's name is Buster. He hits him twice and the guy is knocked completely out. And that's the most he hits anybody. Like no one in this town could take a punch. And for the rest of the fights, it's all one punch. It's like, it's like everybody knew the one secret moment from, from punch out from Tyson's party. Like they hit him

in the stomach when he was rushing in. But yeah, all the perfect times one punch every time. Yeah, he's basically like Brad Pitt and snatch. Right. Now we're fucked. But again, it's just such a weird tonal shift, because it's half comedy. It's right. Oh, look, he's beating up the whole town except the town hate him now. So at the end, at the end of it, the wife and daughter are like, oh, maybe you should try being nice. And he's like, hey, maybe you should try suggesting this before I rent a boxing ring in the middle of town and print out a hundred copies of why you fucking fight

me. And he doesn't just knock everybody out. He's doing back flips and like, please push us. Gloting like an asshole. Like, yep, but it is amazing. And none of this is successful, obviously, because literally as people are walking out, they're like, hey man, yeah, you're better at fucking punching. That's nothing.

We still hate you. Just so we literally say the truest like the bad guys in this movie literally say the truest line in the movie, which is just because you're a good fighter, doesn't mean you're a good man. Yeah. What were you trying to get out of this? What was your, what was the end point you were hoping for? I'm doing an arc. Just give me a second. So that night, he's flashing back to getting

knocked out at the beginning of the movie again for some reason. Yeah. And the ref is like, dude, I'm calling this fight. I don't know how you were like, world, you're seven and seven right now with three draws. Somehow you're up for world champion. I'm calling this fight. You're knocked out and willered in this dolydo is like, yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm going to use this later in my life to inspire me. You said, I'm going to change tactics. I think I said, like, man, I'm the referee. I'm not your coach. I don't care what you do. Don't involve me in your doodlydo is for later. I don't, this is just my job. I'm going to punch back now. Trust me. It's pretty advanced boxing stuff. I like how it happens though. So the flashback ends and he has

like this realization at this moment and they're in bed together. So he's like, Hey Rebecca, honey, honey, I realized I had a little doodly do. Punching people doesn't usually change their religion. I don't know what I had done. But I think it's a good end. She's like, oh my god, you're so boring. And she immediately goes back to sleep. She is asleep. He does that thing that you do with the partner where you you say something and they're asleep and you're like, fuck you. Fuck you. Wait, what? Why don't you do that? You shouldn't do that. This is a healthy part of every relationship, the opposite of health. If you are a night monologue or are any of you night monologues in relationships? No.

What? Okay, then I'm just going to tell this to our podcasting audience. If you are a night monologue at some point in your life, you will be monologueing. Your significant other will be asleep and then you're like, what ever. It's fine. Great idea for a new podcast. Check the hallmarks. Make fun of hallmarks.

Whatever. It's fine. That's actually a really good pun. Thank you. I literally just lie there and do that monologue from the jerk to my wife all the time. Oh, I need this remote control. No, no, the lying in bad monologue, where he does the tongue twister. Anyway, it's fine.

Oh, yeah. No, that makes even more sense than my thing. Okay. All right. Well, the main character's wife just got bored of the fucking movie and fell asleep again. So that means we get another break. And then we'll be back with the big finale of the fighting preacher. Hey, he's the ring there.

The ring, yeah, that's a great question. So Eli was really inspired by this week's episode and he's converting everyone in his neighborhood by boxing them. Nice see, does Eli know how to box? No, no, he does not at all. Yeah, I can see that. Is this, is this one anybody over?

Nope, not even one. Zero. But he sure is losing to like everyone at once. Yep, yep. Probably should not have started the evening by doing individualized roasts for everyone who came in. That was part of that. Yeah, yep.

That's a bad idea. Bad idea. Is that a child jumping on his head? That is a child. Yes, he roasted her real good. Of course. OK. Got ethnic.

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That's buyraycon.com slash gam. To say 15% of Raycon's buyraycon.com slash gam. Oh, sorry, is there like a tagline I'm supposed to read? 15% of Raycons by Raycon.com slash game. Oh, I'm sorry, is there like a a Thailand I'm supposed to read or I figured you had a trailing joke or something for the end. Uh, no, nothing. Nope. I miss you, lie. Harsh. And we're back. And now Willard has his big new plan, which it seemed like it was going to be, you know, be nice to people and not punch them. But his actual new plan is make his wife bake pies for the entire town and brought him up into the new plan is that his

wife does a bunch of work. How Mormon of him. Yeah, exactly. Hey, do you want one of my wife's pies? Apparently they can scare away helpful black guys. So that's nice. That's a plus, I guess. Yeah. And the first person he's going to deliver one to is Mr. Never. That's the guy who owns the hill. And they have this meta moment where he's like, I mean, you gave me a pie. Am I supposed to like you now because you gave me a pie? And he's like, yeah, I think so. And he's like, all right, well, not till act three, damn it. Not till act three. Well, I think giving him a pie is a better strategy than charging it in with two hammers.

They're learning. They're learning. He also, there's also a shot of him, like going down the street, handing out vegetables to random passers-by, which I just want the camera to then go back down the street after he's done it and like literally catch everybody going, did that Mormon guy just give you a vegetable? Yeah, what the fuck was that? Steve got a pie, this is bullshit, whatever. They're just throwing them out next to the big pie.

They throw them out in a garbage can and there's bunch of books of Mormon there too I felt like you should have been saying while he was handing out root a bag is you know Sorry about your brother is your husband okay? Let's not let's not bicker and argue about who paralyzed who So meanwhile Rachel's going door to door to door to also try to win people over. You remember you can't pet my dog lady from the beginning? Well she's sick and Rachel has brought her some potato soup. Would she's going to take it upon herself to spoon feed someone without asking?

Oh, you're spoon feeding me. Okay. I didn't realize you're going to spoon feed me. Okay. Can I just do it? Can I do it, please? Can I do it? Please can I do it? The sensual art of potato soup feeding It is pretty sexy. I just want to note she literally

Barges into this woman's house while the woman is convalescing in bed and says I've been told you're not doing well By whom? You have no friends in this town How are you getting updates on everybody's health? Unless you're the reason that she's not doing well, I don't know what's happening. Or she went door to door and was like, cancer, anybody got cancer needs soup? Cancer needs soup. No. Okay. Next and she finally landed on somebody who was like, I do have cancer. Okay.

She's just walking into people's houses, hoping they're sick. But just this is a call for a dream. I Remember this woman who's very sick and very old will be alive about 25 years from now to say goodbye to you. She will be very, very alive because of Mormon magic more than 25 years. It's like 50 years from now. Yeah. We get a little kind of him nonconsensually fixing people's fences. He likes putting up a guy's fence and the guy's like, hey, man, what are you doing?

And he's like, I'm doing a metaphor. Fuck off. Right. And he fixes the fence with a single nail, just to be clear. Yeah. See, that's when you run onto the property with hammers, then it makes a little bit more sense. And then they insert this very sneakily, but I guess this is for like the diehard Rebecca's fire site chat fans in the fucking audience this is for like the diehard Rebecca's fireside chat fans in the fucking audience. So one of the things that Rebecca and Will are did a lot of is magic, Mormon, oil healing. The movie will show us this with one 14th of a second scene, probably because you don't

want to work in. Oh, and by the way, we promised to cure a bunch of people who ended up dying anyways into your, into your narrative. But yeah, that's what this next scene is. They show them like healing people with their Mormon powers. Eli, you have massively underestimated how normal that is in Mormonism. That's still to this. No, I'm serious. That to this day, they do that all the fucking time. If someone get, if any Mormon gets sick, somebody, some priesthood holder, which means any male over the age of 19, will dump oil on their head and give them a blessing.

This is a true. If you have, if you know a devout Mormon man, if there's one in your life for you, you know, work with one or something, you will notice a little stainless steel vial on their key chain. Seriously? That has blessed olive oil in it. Yeah.

It is ubiquitous. I'm not kidding. And as a matter of fact, if you want to just fuck with them, ask them for a priesthood blessing, and they'll give it to you. And that's funny. Wow. Then you have to shower. Your salad is lacking a little bit of zing. You're just like, hey, could you do a priesthood blessing on my. No, my Caesar salad. Do they have trouble at the TSA if it's over three ounces? That's a great question. These are fantastic. They have to drink the oil before they go through.

They have to bless a whole bunch of people before they fly. They did it back out when they get to the other side, doing it to everyone in the patdowns. So the next day, the little girl's going gonna try it too. They're doing nice things for the kids at school. But when dad finds out that the kids are being mean to her at school, fucking 14 years later, he's like, oh, I won't teach you to fight all of these children, all of them. And he tries to drag her away to teach her to fight.

And his wife pulls the girl back and looks at him like Skyler looked at Walt in season five when everything went to shake. Just terrified of him. Okay, but I do actually shrugged, like I sympathize with this scene, I struggle with this, right? Because I have a kid now and some innocent 11 year old normie in Jersey is going to be like, haha, you're fat. And I'm going to hit that child with my Toyota canry. Like I have no fucks for the humans that are going to miss that child with your Toyota canry. I'm going to, I look, if there's anything I know about me, I can hit things with my Toyota on purpose. I'll pretend to be parking next to him and I'll do it.

I'll pretend to be parking next to him and I'll do it. All right. So back at school, everyone's still being mean to Palmyra. Tongue sticking out girl is sticking her tongue out at her. But she gave the girl a doll and now she doesn't know what to think. Yeah, because yeah, it's, she fixes all the meanness by threatening another girl with voodoo is what she says. Oh, I, if that doll had a dagger stuck through its chest, I would have respected this. If I mean girl, I'm like, fuck you.

Let me get a pie. I heard you were giving out pies. I don't want you to get down. Can I get a root of Vega? Maybe? I don't know. Just get the doll sucks. And now we're going to have what I'm going to go ahead and say is definitely the weirdest

scene in the movie. Easily. So Willard is helping some dude out with his shatter, his fencer, who fucking cares. And he's just like, oh, you know, you sure have been nice to us lately. Uh, sorry, we've been so mean to you. But I've been meaning to ask you, are you a polygamist? And Willard's like, no, we don't do that now. And the guy's like, ah, okay, okay, I was open.

I mean, Willard's like, no, but I was a bad enough husband that my first wife left me for an abuser. Does that count? And then killed herself. And then killed herself. Okay. It never comes back. But it should have happened.

He drops that nuggetget with 18 minutes left. Like, and so casual. He's in the middle of this conversation with this guy and they're just trying to, the guy's just wanting to like, how I want to hear a fuck story about the like, Mr. Wives, and then he's like, I'm a domestic abuser, she killed herself,

and the guy's like, ooh, okay, kind of fucked up the rapport we had going there for seconds. You can see Willard feel he's wrecked the moment He's like anyways, you know you're about the stuff Rebecca does in vet will it bring the moment back? I realize what you were going for now. You're not somebody you need to leave Okay, yeah, it was it was like one of those things where somebody feels like oh, we're actually sharing now Let me drag out like literally the worst things about me. This will be fun. We're gonna talk, oh, we're actually sharing now. Let me drag out like

literally the worst things about me. This will be fun. We're going to talk. We're bond. Okay. Now you go. You say when you abuse the woman until she killed her, who did you kill? Nothing. That's a big offense. What defense? We'll just do the fence thing. Can we go back to the fence thing? Yeah. So the next day, who should show up? But mean girl, mean ticker sticker tongue out girl. And she wants to play with her now. Yeah. So the next day, who should show up? But mean girl mean tickered sticker tongue out girl and she wants to play with her now. Yeah. And, but my right yells up to mom. She's like, can I go play with my best friend now? And mean girl's like, all right, relax. I mean, come on. My mom obviously made me come over here because you gave me a stupid doll. It's just one of those. And then there's

the scene and it's very clearly supposed to be this moment of triumph, right? Mr. Never has agreed to sell them the hill. And so there's this like, again, the music is swelling in the background as lawyers like they have said they will sell you the hill for the $35,000 you offered to sell it to them for. Yeah, the Lord softened his heart and convinced him to sell. And all it took was many, many years and his eventual death. It's basically the same with the Moses story. What lesson are we supposed to learn here?

So now the title card is going to tell us many years of service later. That's that's literally the title card. He's 70, we see that because he's got a happy 70th birthday card sitting on his desk. He's 70 years old and he gets a letter from the church being like, ah, that's probably good. 25 years in Palmyra. You can come home now.

Yeah, literally. Thanks so much for taking care of our property for so long. All that work you've done and grace you to yourself to the locals and enduring their cruelty has brought you exactly nothing. Come back to Utah where you don't know anybody anymore and you have no job skills. You're homeless now. Yeah, exactly. And they hug each other and stand there for like two minutes

going, we've we've wasted our lives. Yeah. Oh, this was so fucking dark. Look, this movie is like, oh all these missionaries. They did the longest mission in missionary history They should be like oh, I love it here. This is our home, and I'm so glad we did it and instead he's just like All our friends are dead and I feel as though I've wasted my life Please don't give fire side chats for the remaining 25 years after that event. We need to enter the labor force in fucking Utah now. I don't know.

Is there a boxing senior tour? Probably not. Yeah, it's not like these guys amassed wealth while they were there. They just fucking worked a farm the entire time. What are they supposed to, what are the septidionary and supposed to do once they just move across, back across the country? Spoiler alert, we are going to get that in the breakfast club close.

Yeah. Speaking of which, now it's gonna cut to someone from the town giving the goodbye speech, which is like, we hated these assholes. Then he thought us, that that was a weird day. but then he gave us stuff. We liked that.

And now we like them. Do you know who's giving that speech? Who? It's the old man from the drug store who wouldn't sell to them 25 years ago. He looks pretty good for 115. I got to say, okay, the time. So as he's giving this speech, we are panning over everyone. School teacher is alive. She's 97, apparently fat guy who was at the door the first night

with the gun. This man was 70 the first time he's 120. Yeah. Literally everybody in the entire town. Old sick lady. Old sick lady is there. Yeah. Yeah. This is like a tuck every last thing was a horror movie. Yeah. I wrote my notes. The twist of this movie is that everyone in Palmyra is fucking immortal. It's it's Mormon Brigadoune happening somehow. Oh wait, there's one last appearance of the magic black guy as they leave town. Oh yes. So as they are, as they are riding out of town for the last time and everyone is Brigaduin waving away, magic black guy will step in front of the camera one last time. I screamed when he stepped in front of the camera.

It is so good. He might as well have literally held up a physical copy of the script and then shrugged at the camera like, are you fucking kidding me? He's just running after the camera. I'm over five. I'm over five now. It's over five. I'm over five.

I'm over five. Yeah. So we flashback one last time to him boxing. And he won that boxing match. The one that he flashed back to. Yeah, this was supposed to be the character at his lowest point as a theme for the movie, but no, he won.

He won. And then we get the breakfast club closed for the movie, but no, he won. He won. And then we get the the breakfast club closed for the movie. They moved back to Utah. He was a temple square missionary. So he professionally ran away from Eli when he came to visit something. Rebecca did her fire side chats. We talked about that. And they had the longest mission in mission history 24 years.

My God. Is that really the record? I would say, yeah, no one else would subject themselves to that kind of bullshit. So yes, I'm sure that is the record. You have to be, you have to be punch drunk in order to, to agree to that. The thing is you go in a mission for two years, but they add a year on for every assault charge. Okay. Well, then that's fair. Yeah.

All right. One other question actually, does the LDS church now do anything with Camora Hill, the magical hill, the, oh my God. Oh, you missed it. We've all just barely missed it. Because they used to do the most amazing thing. Every year, they would have what they called the hill, come or a pageant. What? And it was a full on thousands of Mormons from mostly from Utah would go there. And for one week, they would rehearse this pageant and they would all be like, and it's one of these awful things where there would be playback. So none of them had to memorize lines. They would just, so their character would just, they would wave their arms

fiercely when their characters talking to try and indicate that it's their turn or whatever. Doug and I went to see a pageant, not the Hill Camora one, but one that was here in Utah. And it was delightful. The one in Camora is, it's a cast of thousands. It's an enormous, it was. They stopped doing it, I think two years ago. Yeah. So yeah, they put on this enormous love kind of passion play thing with a bunch of white people dressed as Indians, but I don't know if that's why they stopped doing it, but

probably not. No, yeah. Okay. It would have been, I really wanted to see it. And I'm very sad that I never got it. I'm sad we can't go to that now. Now it's just a tourist attraction. You just go around and it's literally just a bump in the land. So got it. All right, I think that is going to do it for the fighting preacher, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet. We found another bad movie Eli. What's on deck?

Well regular listeners to the podcast. We remember that last year we covered the Mormon hit the other side of heaven. And right after we did just as Mormon movie meant that did they released the sequel, the other side of heaven to fire faith. So fuck yeah, we're watching that one. I'm so glad you guys didn't choose us. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to wrap it up. Huge thanks to Dan and Doug for joining us and where can everybody hear more from you guys? Well, you can find

us obviously wherever podcasts are sold, ours is free, by the way, so that's kind of fun. But yeah, just the how-to heretic, look it up, go enjoy it. It's way better than some podcasts and worse than others. All right. Good. You know what? We don't work enough rivalry into our plugs. I wasn't trying to start anything, but now I am. So now it's a battle. Got it. Where can we hear more from you? Fuck opening arguments. All right. Exactly. Boom. All right. Of course, a big thanks as well to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash God awful. And I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, citation needed, The Skeptcrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godawthlbubesatjima.com, legal services for this podcast are provided in the law of this as a P&R Tories, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, with people drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Next again, for giving us a chunkier life this week, for Dan Duggani-Li, I'm Heath, promises to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Breakfast Clip Love in the Moscow. According to Amazon Prime, if you enjoyed the Fighting Preacher, you probably want to watch the reality TV show, Judge Faye. According to YouTube, if you enjoyed the Fighting Preacher, you probably want to watch All Quiet on the Western Front, which is a far, far less violent movie.

Okay, also according to YouTube, if you enjoyed the fighting creature, you also probably wanna watch Zookeeper with Kevin James and literally the birth of a nation. Oh my God. What a fuck. But according to math, there's an algorithm that is like, you know what a lot of people like? The fighting creature is Zookeeper

and the birth of a nation. Okay, but to be fair, if you were asked to describe this movie, it is the perfect combination of zookeeper and the birth of a nation. And so again, you can just call me any time on there. Dude, I can hardly read this. Yeah, sorry, I got them printed at Big Box Supply Store, so they're not saying... Hey, hey, Doug, what's she doing?

Oh, hey, Dan, I was just giving Doug my new business card, but they're all cheap and blurry. Well, you like, why don't you just try updog? What's updog? Not much. What's up with you? God, you got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. No, three years. You have to cut this. So good. You have to cut this. So good. You have to cut this. This sucks. I'm done. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2021.

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