God Awful Movies - 318: The Other Side of Heaven 2: The Fire of Faith

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

This week, Eli and Noah join forces for an atheist review of The Other Side of Heaven 2: The Fire of Faith, the follow up to the story of child neglect on the part of the church. This sequel takes our hero back to Tonga where he can recall all the ways he was criminally endangered during his mission and expose his young children to those very same dangers. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

This week's episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have, life can be pretty damn hard, and without a healthy mind it's even harder. Check out online therapy with betterhelp.com slash awful and be on your way to a little more ease. And this is where we get my best worse, we get to see the little tiny boat. Oh my god. They're trying so hard for drama here.

And it is though, they gave us the little tiny boat scenes to insert in case they were ever going to be staked. Right? He's like, no honey, come back to the loot. To the loot. Remedabbed, debbed, three men in a jump fight. Daughter, I'll never get paid in. But we, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, it's so funny.

God awful movie! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because somehow that remains a job. I'm your host, Noah Luzon. And unfortunately, Heath won't be able to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah.

It's been years in the making, but finally, finally, I know how the other side of heaven's story concludes. Right. No, it was keeping me up at night as well. Now, in honor of this movie, we thought about actually bringing on a Pacific Islander as a guest, but if this movie has taught us anything, it's that their opinions are best told by white men

who speak on their behalf without their consent or input. So it's just going to be the two of us today. Yeah. Yeah. Turns out he's just tricked us into sending him to Fiji. So, um, to us. No, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the other side of heaven to fire of faith. So in the first movie, a heartless church in danger, a naive young man with a negligent mission of colonialism. And now it's time for him to do that with his kids. Yeah, the problem was he wasn't a baby enough in the right exactly. So Eli how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the white savior narrative of the first film, but I went there.

I didn't belong and I got sick, was too gripping a plot for you. You will love this movie. It's extending my boring story of my vacation so you'll buy me another drink, the movie. Isn't it though? Isn't it, it's hilarious, because like the first one you could, it was boring,

but you could at least see how it made a movie. This one not so much. No, for newer listeners and those who insufficiently memorize our back catalog, can you catch everybody up on the important goings on from the first one? Okay. First of all, rude. You need to be caught up. We watched 317 Christian movies for you. Get on board. All right. First one. White guy goes to Tonga. That is it, you're caught up. No, that was, oh, oh. And Ann Hathaway was in the first movie,

but she told them to fuck themselves for this one, which fun fact is in the IMTP trivia for this film. Yeah, well, I loved the way they phrased it. They said that she was outside of the movie's budget because of her career afterwards. And I'm like, well, she told you that it would take all the money in the world, which was more than your budget allowed for.

So yeah, technically that's true. So is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Best, worst doctor. Okay, so look, the island of Tonga does not have the resources is pretty much the entire plot of this movie, but the doctor at the hospital on the island of Tonga will literally do only this throughout the movie.

He'll walk over, see someone with a medical condition and be like, you guys got magic prayer powers, right? Because I don't have the resolution. Yeah, it gets worse and worse as we go. And I was going to go with best, worse, tiny little boat. Oh, yeah. So there's a part of this movie where this guy is negligently taken as children on this boat and put them in terribly unsafe conditions and everything.

And they're going from one island to another and there's a big storm and they have to keep subbing in this miniature boat and it's just you can see the rounded Fisher price edges on it and everything. It's just such a silly little tiny boat. It's hilarious and we'll get there. But between now and then we've got basically a whole movie of Skippable Scenes. So we're going to pause for a quick break while we decide which ones to bother with, but we're back in a minute with all the doldrums that are, the other side of heaven too, fire of fate.

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like Omni-Present cerealbals, so... Yes? Weird. John Groberg, thanks so much for coming in. Now that lady I met in the hallway, whose wife was that? Oh no, John, that's one of the producers. Of babies. Of the movie?

Oh, like a porno movie? No, thank you. I, yeah. You know what, let's just move on. John, it's been 10 years since the smash hit based on your life, the other side of heaven. Why howdy? How time flies? Yeah. And you know, all these years, you've been telling us about how much more there is to the story. Yeah. Um, can you ask your wife to bring me a coffee, please? Literally just told you she's a producer with milk like low milk in it. So we finally raised the 10 million dollars

You told us we needed to make this movie and so we are ready to hear it Here what? The second half of your story the one you've been telling us about for 10 years. Oh, right. No, yeah, right. That last movie was not at all deployed to meet Anne Hathaway. I'll tell you that's also a so one time I was on the island and. Wait, my kid got really sick. My son, that sucked. One of the one of the brown ones,, dads got mad at them once. I'm sorry, John, is this the second half of the story that you've been waiting 10 years

to make? Well, now to be fair, that's twice as many things already as happened in the whole first movie. Yeah, you know what, that's true. Okay, so I have a quick question for you. Are you one of my sons? I hate you so much. So yes, that And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on this movie's only twist. It was rated PG-13 In retrospect, I have no goddamn idea why I was gonna say Now I'm looking for the one fuck you get to keep it. Exactly. Exactly.

So strap in Mormons, we're gonna get a bit racy here. And speaking of Mormons, we're gonna learn that this was produced by BYU TV. Yep. This is a real miraculous network with its own app. Don't worry, I'm already deep, deep within the rabbit hole of BYU TV, finding against future material. So said that we found out this late into Mormon movie month. But, uh, yeah. So, so John, or as you may remember him from the first one, Kohli Pokey Grobert catches us up on the first movie. He reminds us that he went to the Tonga and then he married a recast and halfway.

In the IODB trivia, along with being like, and halfway told us to fuck themselves. They have this great moment where they're like, but the actress who replaced her is from New Zealand. Pretty exotic. That's pretty good too. Almost a hobbit, not sure if you're... And I'll tell you what, even if you didn't know what going in, she does actually a pretty good job with the accent most of the time. But once in a while, she's pretty New Zealand. It does, does slip through. It's like she's being slowly overtaken by Ray Comfort's ghost. Yeah, it's unsettling. And what's amazing about this

opening montage, right, is we need to get our like straight-laced Mormon missionary from teenager to full grown adult with four children. Yeah. But we've got to do it in a way that won't piss off a Mormon audience. So like when they're talking about the 1960s, he's like those rock and rollers were sure excited

about their music. Oh, so I had to write down the fucking quote because this is the moremanous description of anything ever. Here's how he describes hippies. He says, there was an exuberant rock and roll counter culture. Really gave it 110% those rock and rollers. Yeah, so in his summary of the 1960s, he also points out that he

was totally down with civil rights despite spending that entire time evangelizing for a church that wouldn't let black people join us priests until 1978. Yeah. Also, hey, John, the only way you need to not blow this little introduction here is to compare Martin Luther King to the only other people of color. You know, Martin Luther King is like the tongue. He's wrote in my note, really, movie, really. You kept that? Okay. And then as he's doing this, there's these drums rising slowly in the background, but they're

doing it so slowly and so erratically that I had to keep pausing the movie to see if something was like dripping onto my roof person. But ultimately we get some traditional tongue and music I'm assuming. And it comes up gives us the title screen. The other side of heaven to fire of faith. Well, it's actually double the met. It comes up fire of faith is our post-colonic well yeah We should have gone the other direction with that my bad

So and then we get this weird ass establishing shot of both the Fiji and jungles Which is where they film this and some Midwestern strip mall and the dead of winter? Yeah, I do not know why, but constantly throughout this film, it will contrast hard working tongue and struggling to get by with the poverty created by the white saviors who are there simply to convert them to their team in the religion battle. And white people being like, I'll have another peeled grape, please. Right, yeah, exactly. and white people being like i have another big please right yeah exactly exactly so

one of these locations is having a hold down now contextually we know that it's the Idaho one but given the way that this film presents at it's just anybody's guess this could be a tongue and hold down yet at first i watched this whole scene the first time I watched this movie being like, wait, is there like a white people part of Tonga where they're having a dance while the Tonga do the work?

Yeah, but I get what you said that the shots of Tonga here had a, like, they're just showing these shots of extraordinary poverty, but through the lens of like, isn't that charming? It's so charming the way that they have to do it there. Oh, they must love to farm that way without any equipment. Yeah, just getting your hands in the soil. So our main character is dancing with all four of his daughters and his pregnant wife.

When the pregnant wife does a quick little prank to make a thing that perhaps she's going to miscarry his child. Oh, fun. And it didn't play enough miscarriage based prank on me when we were when she was pregnant with our son, missed opportunities. Right. And I just want to point out this character will be pregnant so often in this fucking

movie that this baby, the one she has not even given birth to yet will not be the baby We worry about in the movie. No, this is the pre baby baby. Yeah, well, it's a Mormon story So yeah, they've got four kids at this point by the end of the movie. I think they have seven. Yeah, so yeah So okay, so we get done with that scene there leaving that night everybody's calling each other Bishop and sister and weird shit like that fucks me right up. I love the Things because they've just taken all the Catholic stuff and they're like oh, you know, that's Steve the generator He's a pope. We just call him everyone We just call him, everyone, everyone who's your third uncle is your pope now.

And then so and we get outside of the car and there's this boring stupid fucking moment, whereas you can tell it's the right or going like, Oh, there's that one time my wife said something kind of clever after that dance. And we saw each shoe horned it into the stupid fucking movie. But really what we're lingering on is how much this actress is not anathaway. Well, and the other thing is like there was a love story and a conflict in the first movie. Right. Remember, he wanted to be with the Tongan girl, but then he had anathaway back home. Right. But there's none of that here. So it's just like, I sure do love you. The first movie all resolved great. Yeah

Right, so they're driving home and he's decided to drive home without his headlights on because the moonlight is very pretty that night And if you think to yourself wait, doesn't he have his pregnant wife and four daughters in the car at this moment? You're correct. Get used to that running theme of the film This is the riskiest car behavior that does not pay off in a truck kidding. We've ever seen in Christian cinema. Right. The kids in the back might as well be singing I like being alive. And yet they survived this drive. Yeah. Right. In any other Christian movie, somebody's dying on this ride home. So okay. So we cut to Tonga. And of course, the first people we meet are doing some kind of hard working dirt-related activity. There's a pig screeching in the background.

The pig really steals the scene here. I just want to say the pig really, yeah, it's just chewing scenery. It becomes a much bigger character than I thought it was going to be to be honest. Yeah. So, okay, so we're gonna meet Cioni. Now, Cioni is the evil Catholic Revendre on this Tungan Island. Yeah. And we're also gonna meet Natani and his

unnamed wife who used to be Catholic, but they're going over to the Mormon side now. They've come to tell Cioni that they've been drafted. Yeah, we're Mormons now, but it's okay. We brought you an apology gift basket and pig. Yes, yes, I'm picking a bag, right? So yeah, they have the awkward, reverend breakup, you know, and they really do have the whole, it's not you.

It's me moment and everything. Cione can't be canceled, but they say, but in honor of you in your church, we gave you like, you know, some coconuts and shit and this life, Paganabag. But Cioni doesn't want their coconuts in life, Paganabag. So he tells one of his sons to burn all the food and his other son, this is Tua Tai, to throw the pig into the sea and drown it in its little bag. Yeah Weird unnecessary cruelty as a response to the skips I just I wanted to watch this guy in other context like someone brings him an edible arrangement and he's waterboarding in for no reason So yeah, we're gonna go out of our way to make Siony into an evil motherfucker over and over again in this movie even beyond like It doesn't actually do the script any favors do the story any favors

It just makes him seem more like a savage. Yep. It's really poorly done So anyway, so he tells his son to go drown the pig but to a tie can't bring himself to drown the poor little piglet So he lets him go and and instead he drowns some seaweed so that it looks good. Okay, but this actor was not ready to be filmed doing this throw. It is so short, it is such a bad throw. It's like a foot and a half in front of him and very obviously filled with seaweed. Well, and straight up, that's the other thing is he gets a lot of oomph on it, but it all goes straight up.

They're seaweed falling out of it as he does it. And you could tell like they wanted to do it again, but they only had the one bag and he got it far enough out that nobody could get to it anymore. So yeah, so they had to go with that one. I wanted a minister dad to come over and be like, you know what, I changed my mind. Let me, let me get this pig and then it opens it up. Oh, I changed it to seaweed as a merpaine. Ha, ha, ha, ha, fuck.

But yeah, but he lets the pig go. The pig runs back to Natani, the guy who just broke up with his reverend dad. Mm-hmm. And then we cut to this, I just love this scene, so goddamn much. It's supposed to just be comic relief, but it's horrifying and terrible because this is a Mormon movie. It's so bad.

So Bishop John Colipoke is counseling this contanker, his old couple that wants to divorce. Okay. But the Mormon version of contanker, his old couple is fucking who's afraid of Virginia. Whoa. And he's just, he's just like smirking at the fucking camera, like Jim from the office while he's like, I'll beat you so badly you'll never walk again. You horrible bitch. Do not cut off your cock like Lorraine Bobbitt. You son of a nass. So that's the thing is that

like from any non-mortem perspective, you're just like, wow, this couple should really get divorced and try to enjoy the remaining years of their lives. But it's Mormon. So we're just like, oh, that old Mrs. Johnson there. She sure hates her husband. And then they vanish from the movie. Like, I just want to this, I don't know what this was supposed to establish, but they

aren't gone from the movie now, even though to this I don't know what this was supposed to establish but they are gone from the movie now even though they were more interesting than anything else that will happen in this film. Oh I wanted their movie I was hoping that this was like they were setting up a spin-off or something like that. Yes like the twits. No it ends with her hitting him. And there's just might as well be a fucking slide whistle. Yeah, Buster Keaton might as well pop up next to the guy when he gets back up again. Oh, God. Yeah, but of course, what we're supposed to be establishing here is that Koli Poki sure is a good bishop. He can even keep this terribly miserable old couple from getting divorced. That's right.

No losing points in the divorce column on this bishopry. Yeah. So they play for comedy. This just horrifying window into the world where divorce isn't allowed. And then we get a horrifying window into what it's like when women are made to be baby factories. When we cut to the pregnant mom trying to get dinner on the table for four kids all younger than seven.

Oh, man. Pretty, uh, how did it feel to watch this scene? for four kids all younger than seven. Oh, man. Pretty, uh, how did it feel to watch this scene know it? It did feel good. It feel nice. It's to birth control the opening. Right. Yeah, exactly.

And this certain scene essentially serves no purpose at all, right? So dad comes in, mom is haggard and miserable. The dog gets in and starts eating the food off the table immediately. Yup. Which is a great fucking moment because the lead actor is supposed to chase the dog but not get there in time. And so the dog gets on the table,

but he goes too fast. And so he has to just sort of stand there and wait for the dog to start eating the food. And you're just like, get the fucking dog, man. Why aren't you eating it? They're like, we train the fucking dog to eat the fucking stew of dogs, you know, fucking stew They're like, we trained the fucking dog to eat the fucking stew. The dog's gonna eat the fucking stew. Seems like he's standing there going, okay,

well let's see what he's gonna do on the table. Maybe he's gonna like, nope, he's eating the stew. Okay, he's eating the stew. And again, like, I'm not saying there aren't other movies that have this opening of like, Mommy, I want my dough. I'm on fire, right? Right.

Yeah, usually it's like a, ah, life here is so crazy and bad. That is not the point of this scene. The point of this scene is we got a letter and we're going to Tonga. They're just like, nah, we should probably show a little bit of what a typical Mormon family is like. It's like, and hatred and a tired mother who's not getting any support. Right. Yeah, exactly.

We are not establishing that she's to put upon or anything like that. Quite the opposite, actually. This is apparently supposed to be the dream for Mormon women. So yeah, but then he gets a letter from the Mormon Church that's like, your ass has moved into Tonga for three years. Yeah. Look, I know we've watched these movies a ton. It's always just so fucking wild to me that the Mormon Church does this to people on the rank. Like, I don't know for some reason, descending the teenagers off to somewhere remote in the world is one thing, but the fact that they just occasionally show up at someone's house and they're like, hey, you live in France now. Right. With your whole fucking family.

Right. You better work that out. We're not gonna help it all. Bye. Yeah. So he goes to Tonga because Mormonism owns him apparently. We have a useless ass scene of them in the airplane because this movie's gotta be filled with some damn thing. I'm surprised we didn't get them checking their baggage at this point. Right. But to be clear, I guess he's bringing his kids to an underdeveloped disease he placed because his church told him to. Right. Right. But to be clear, I guess he's bringing his kids to an underdeveloped diseasey place because his church told him to.

Right. And again, the entire first movie was about how hard it was for him as a consenting teenager on this island. And now he's like, bring in my babies and my pregnant wife. Can't wait to get footworms again. Well, right. Yeah. Just a quick reminder, if you don't remember episode one, 99, the big

conflict in the, like the act two conflict in this movie was all about rats eating the flesh off of his feet on the silent. Is it was? Yeah. So, okay. So, we had Bag the Tongue, it was a couple more fucking poverty-establishing shots. Yeah. And this is where we get the scene of the market where pig-freeing Sun

gives a Guy who's not Catholic anymore the heads up that like hey So you know how you live on the same island is my crazy bigot dad I think he might kill you for leaving the church. So Moof. Yeah. Yeah, so that's to a tie us the reverence son who's warning Netani that he needs to get the fuck out of there because his dad don't want no filthy imormon on his island. At one point he says, you got to move out of Tufua and I wrote in my notes, maybe move to Impossible Burger Fua. Their language is silly. That was Eli's joke. But yeah, so I thought it was

excellent wordplay. No, how dare you? So no, you do that to English too. So I guess it would be big enough not to make that joke. So yeah, exactly. Right. So okay. So Tulatai says to me, she's like, yeah, you know, hey, man, you might want to move out quick while you still have a chance also Why the fuck did you become a filthy ass Mormon to begin with? Yeah, right to a type of pretty pissed is like you he literally says and I quote you shame our family and village by becoming a Mormon And I'm like, well, I actually agree with it. Maybe I get there from a different direction, but yeah Have you seen their vials of oil met you know what it's fine. It's fine. Yeah. You do. Have you seen their vials of oil, Matt? You know what? It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And we move from that market scene to Koli Poki and his family driving through town, right? They've arrived now. And basically we just

have this eugroast scene from the wife and the kids. Yeah. it's just the kids shouting out racism slash from misunderstanding of Donkin culture as they take like a fucking jaws the universal right door of this town. Right. Well, and the mom going like, oh, it's gross and poor like the fucking Eli character from a sales ad. One of the little girls literally opens up this section by going, wow, daddy, everyone is brown. Yep. Yeah, that's actually a lie there. So, okay, they get to their home,

which is, you know, nice compared to where I live, where Eli lives. Every other fucking domicile we've seen on this island is like, you know, corrugated metal held together with twigs and shit. So they're moving to this gigantic fucking mansion. This movie sees nothing at all wrong with either that or all of the fucking native servants that are walking around their mansion. Okay. Thank you. Noah, we can talk about invisible black lady. There is there is a black woman who will accompany them literally everywhere they go in the movie. And they will never, ever acknowledge her. She doesn't get a name.

They will simply hand her babies at various points in the film. And she will never be acknowledged in this movie about how hard it was for them on this island. Yeah. I just kept wanting the lady to be like turning to the camera and being like, yeah, these motherfuckers, I didn't even sign up to be. I'm not a Mormon. I don't get to go somewhere else in three years either. Well, so I think you get a name, but yeah, I don't think she has a single spoken line. I don't think anybody ever speaks to her in the movie. Yeah. So yeah, so they get done with their big, yellow dinner and they have this moment, like afterwards they excuse

the older girls that they run off and play. And they have this moment where all of the Mormons that were already on the island clearly want to tell John something, Koli Pocce something. But they don't, you know, everybody else wants somebody else to have to do it. In my mind, there were so many fun things that this could be. But it ends up being like one of them is just like, yeah, we, we didn't realize that you had four kids in a pregnant wife. The medical care here is really bad compared to the states. We feel like you should just turn down this assignment. Yeah. And he's like, no, no, I was here with the foot rat eating. Yeah, my feet have been eaten by rats. I have an immunity. Yeah.

So I fucking Mormons, he says to these concerned folks, he says, I think, sorry, he grabs his wife and we think it'll be fine. So that's Mormon inclusivity for you remembering to tell your wife what she thinks. She thinks so. Jesus Christ. Also, this is where slick tear guy will be introduced. And if you watch along with us and you are entirely confused about this guy's existence in the movie, yes.

Let me explain it. This guy would eventually become the president of the Mormon Church and he was like in two scenes of this guy's life. And so they're like, well, we have to include the Mormon president, right? It's like you have to include in forest, gump meets JFK or whatever. Yeah. So throughout the movie, this is the first scene where it happens. But throughout the movie, this guy will just show up and be like, hello, John, you know me? I know you. I'm in the movie, future president, whatever. Like he was the fucking wacky neighbor making a reprizer set the guys Thomas Monson. And of course, they also, it's haggiographical the way they present him, right?

Because every time he shows up, they have to go out of their way to establish what a swell fellow he is. Right? And because he serves no goddamn purpose in the movie, unless you know that you're just like I didn't until I looked it up afterwards, you're just confused and it all shit us to why we're setting this guy up as a character. Yeah, each time this guy, unless you know who he is, each time this guy is in the movie, we'll be more baffling than the last. Yeah. Yeah. So, but holy poke puts his foot down. He says, we're staying here. Otherwise, there's no plot at all.

And you can tell it that he means it because there's a soft piano melody behind his speech. So they all leave the people that were having dinner with them. They leave the little girls are outside jumping on gigantic cockroaches. Yeah. With their cockroaches. Yeah. With their bare feet. Yep. It's just such a weird, it's a weird nightmare before Christmas interlude in this movie that never comes back.

It's psychopathic, right? They all walk out there and the little girls are like, we're murdering living animals. Yeah, honestly, if the rest of the movie, the kids had just shown more and more psychotic behavior, by the end of it, they've got a tongue in tied up in the background. Start walking towards them slowly with surgical scalpoles. Okay. Setting up other side heaven three. Yeah, but of course, and then as they're leaving, Thomas Monson stops and he's just like, I too will jump on bugs with you because I'm a fun loving character.

So again, the heiography, but also just fucking gross. I'm also in the movie. All right. So that night to a tie, the son of the reverend sneaks off in the darkness to help the Mormons, Natani and his wife, Moo, you know, because the Catholics are coming for them in the darkness or something. I could barely tell what the fuck was happening. It was so, it was so hard for me to piece that together that that's what was happening. I absolutely had to include that scene in the notes because dammit, I'm not working

that hard for nothing. Yeah, it's such a bad scene and so badly lit that it's gonna get summed up to scenes from now. Right, yeah, in case you couldn't tell, what we, all right, so then we get John's first day of work where he's like trying to get his bearings. Right, and again, they're trying to capture the zest of the first film where it was like,

you're the only missionary and we don't have this in that. But he's, he's the president of the mission. So he's like, you're telling me I have to do the accounting and the bookkeeping? Well, right, yeah. So they're trying to establish that he has all of these different responsibilities. He's like, so who's in charge of the finances?

They're like, you are. Who's in charge of communicating with the government? You are. Who's in charge of building new chapels? You are. And then he's like, well, how am I going to have any time to do missionary work? And I'm like, none of that shit seems more than like an hour and a half a week type of shit.

I feel like you could do that on like Tuesday through Friday. Yeah. What did one of the tongue-ins to hand in like a copy of who moved my cheese? Oh, okay. I got it. But yeah, so they go for that trope and miss it. And then we watch Cione's family eat. We have to summarize the sneaking off in the middle of the night scene, right?

Yeah. And I like how the dad here is supposed to be driven into a murderous rage, but there's like, there's no motivation or reason. So he's just like, oh, son, I was just remembering some unspecified amount of time ago. Did you drown that pig like I told you to because I will be mad at you if you did not. Yeah. Yeah, that dad discovers that a that he helped Natani and his family disappear before that

could sick the Catholic army on him or whatever. And then he also found out that to it, Tai didn't drown the pig like he asked. Yes, that is an actual plot point. So dad gets all angry and shit and Tua Tai does not make things better when he says, well, you're just afraid of how right the Mormons are about God and Jesus is what it is. Said no father to his son ever. Yeah, no, there's there are several moments in this movie again that make no sense unless you remember that yeah, you have to have something

for the Mormons to stand up and say who raw about right? Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so, but Sionius pissed so he's going to punish his son with something shovel related. That's all we know at the moment. It's so bizarre.'re gonna get to it. It's the craziest part of this movie. Yeah, he says get out there grab the shovels and we're like wait, what the shovels? What are you gonna do with the shovels? And then we fucking cut to dad telling his daughter or fucking Mormon bedtime stories and like get back to the shovels motherfuckers. Yeah, although to be fair, this scene is pretty much as terrifying as the shovel scene we're about to experience. He ends his story with they all lived happily ever after, right? And she's like,

Oh, dad, how come you always do that? And he's like, Oh, it's better for you to have happy thoughts. And she's like, what about our dead cousin? Right. Can you think of a happy ending for that? And he's like, oh, when you die, you go to heaven? Yeah. Right. She's like, I don't want all my stories to end. You know, I'm old. I can take some, I can, I can handle some dark shit now, basically.

I can handle some dark ending stories. I want you to murder some people off in the next one. Okay. And I'm thinking to myself, this is it. Right. Like last time we saw, she was murdering bugs and now she wants her stories to end with the fucking, you know, with the princess dying in the night throwing himself off the fucking tower or something.

Yeah, it's escalating. It is escalating. And it will continue to escalate because she ends the scene by going, Daddy, if I die first, I'll wait for you forever. And he's like, I'll wait for you too, Pimkin. And look, if that's foreshadowing to this little girl dying, it's gross, but I get it. It is not. It's just a crazy thing. His daughter said, and he was like, put it in the movie. Yeah. Well, so that's the thing is that ultimately again, this is a movie where nothing really happens. So we keep having to have these scenes. And then as movie viewers were, you know, kind of programmed to say, well, what are they setting up with the scene? What purpose

is this scene? It's just there to fill time. Right? So as soon as you start trying to establish meaning to them, you've already lost this game. Yeah. There's a square for the Christian movie, Bingo card. It's just there to fill time. Right. Exactly. I put it right in the middle. So, okay. So we cut back to Cioni with the shovels. I thought he was making his son dig his own grave. I wasn't that far off. No, he's burying him like that one short story

from the Cripkeeper, where he, like, makes the guy drown while showing him a video of the other lady drowning. I think you're getting a little too specific with the reference, but he, he buries him to his neck. Yeah. So he buries him in the, in the fucking, on the beach to his neck. I'm like, well, I sure hope you calculated the tides correctly. Yeah. But apparently, at least from what we, because then the tide does come in and he starts to

drown. And I'm like, okay, so he was going to drown his son to death over this mild disagreement. Seems a bit extreme. Also seems weird that the sun was like, all right, fine. I'll let you bury me onto my neck. Yeah, I feel like at some point you fight back, but you know, okay. So yeah, but that's his punishment for expressing sympathy to the Mormons and helping a Mormon escape the wrath of Catholicism is that he gets buried to his neck beside the ocean.

And it starts to rain. It like starts to be a terrible storm. Now we have to fucking cut back to the Mormon family because I guess this guy again, this is Coli Pokey's story. He's the one writing this shit. I guess he didn't want his character to do not also have some harrowing event. So we have this completely unrelated to anything bit where a coconut gets thrown through their window. It never comes back. Yeah. And again, that only exists because he was like, yeah, that was the night that he got buried up to his neck

by his dad and his brother died. But our window got broken. I broke it up with the wheel. It was very unfortunate. It was glass all over the floor. We didn't have a vacuum there. So yeah, but the mom and dad realized, okay, probably shouldn't have buried him up to his neck, the, you know, with the way the weather is. He's probably going to drown. We've got to go out there and get him. But while they're out there, while they're running to get him, his brother, Fathai, gets hit by lightning. And dies! It's killed. Yeah, it gets hit by lightning and dies. Hey, look, I know there's no God. But if I was in the middle of having an argument with someone about religion and on my way out, someone close to me got hit by lightning, I would take a good hard work on my side of the argument.

Right. But yeah, no, he dies. And then the dad goes wanderin' out to find tooltie to see if it's, you know, he's still has time to dig him out, but apparently he's dug himself out because you could just do that, right? Like almost certainly you would just be able to pull yourself out of that. So if a tide died for nothing is the key.

Right, but, but dad, bad dad, he kneels down like he thinks he's sunk into the beach. Right, he's like, no, he has been taken away by the sandstones. He's like, no, he has been taken away by the fans. No, or like he's like Mormon treasure, you know, he keeps slipping further and further down. Yeah. That's yeah, that must have been it.

All right. Well, I know we were all super attached to fatie the brother as a character. So we're going to give you a minute to gather yourself up. We'll be back in a flash with even more of the other side of heaven too. Fire of fate. To fatie, to furious. Nightlife. Hey, then, now, what you doing? Well, you know, ever since you brought that healthy cereal home from the last ad, I've

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the offer. Hi, Mr. God. Quick question about some miracle work. Sure, Gabriel. Come in. Yeah, it's about some Mormon missionaries down in Tofuah. We've been trying to help the Baptist minister down there, see that he's wrong, so he turned his son Mormon.

Good. Good. good. Right, but instead of like listening to him, he just freaked out and buried him alive. Bear, whoa, that's not good. Did you punish him? Yeah, yeah, we did. I got authorization from the office for a lightning strike. Ooh, a lightning strike.

Wow, I bet that set him straight. Okay, get this. No, it lightning strike. Wow, I bet that set him straight. Okay, get this. No, it didn't. Okay, so, so this guy was arguing with his son about me. His other son got struck by lightning and he's still not convinced. Still not convinced? Wow.

Well, you know, we do have a white guy there who could be passingly polite to him and change his mind Yeah, let's do that. We'll do that. Yeah, let's go with that then We'll do I just one question Sure God. What is it? You don't think there's a better system for who should go to heaven and Whether or not you believe a home sick teenager who barely speaks your language do you? I mean pretty much any other system you can imagine would be better. Oh, beans. Yep. Beans indeed, sir. Beans indeed. And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action the morning after the storm with Tulletai roaming the beach all injured and shit. He comes across across Natani the guy that he helped escape Yeah, he apparently got seriously injured in digging himself out from like five and a half feet of sand Yeah, I don't honestly like never had to do that myself I feel like as a magician you probably know some kind of trick or something of how you hold your arms while you're getting buried or whatever But he's that death's door because of it. Yeah, he will spend the next like two and a half scenes almost being dead from got buried a little bit, Idis. Yeah, I don't, I mean, I don't know. It seems like, you know, he probably got a kind of cold. It was very rainy that night, I would think. Anyway, so then we cut to Fatis funeral,

the one that got struck by lightning, and I wanted somebody to be like, it's kind of funny, you buried the one kid, it's punishment, now you're burying it, and I'll tell you the other way. You just said, you'll get eventually though to you, it'll be like it's ironic, at least ironic. He's also doing this very weird,

passive aggressive eulogy for his son at God. He's like, do not be scared or sad of lightning. Just stupid. Sorry. My wife is trying really loud. It's true. Yeah. Right. Exactly.

Yeah. No, he has to very stay the course eulogy, right? And I'm like, I'm writing him. I know it's like, dude, if your plan that ends with one of my sons died, but the other dug his way out doesn't get you rethinking your decision tree process. Nothing's going to do it. All right. I mean, look, in his defense, if I'm a God guy and there's just been a lightning strike that did not go my way, I'm going to have to tell some people to stay the course.

Okay. all right. Trust me, guys. Trust me. I know that like literally the cartoon version of God being mad at me happened. But that one. Sometimes it's coincidence. So okay. So that night, Tulsa I wake up. He's all injured and raspy from the digging his way out I just and he tells Natani that he wants to be baptized as a Mormon in case he doesn't make it through the night again I am very unclear about what is wrong with this young man right well so okay if this whole scene was confusing to me until I remember that every Mormon movie has to have a please would someone baptize me as a Mormon fantasy moment? Yeah. No, it's true.

It's the, I'll give you a blowjob for fixing my car tire delivering my pizza. Yeah. It's not a problem. They're out there. They're out there just begging. You got to jack off to something and you got to jack off to something. Yeah. They won't be allowed to have porn.

Yeah. Can't even do it through the underwear. So, yes, wes this guy who's, you know, like from the way he's playing it, he's got like the pneumonia and he's got a broken something, a broken ribs or something like that. That's how they're playing it. So he brings that guy out into the ocean

to dip him in water so he could say his magic spell. Okay, question, question. He says it will hurt when I put you under the water. Yeah, what could possibly be wrong with this young man that it will hurt? Got a paper cut? Oh, out of the salt water, hello. I said no, I have a collarbone burn.

I think it's because he was bending him over. I really think it's got broken ribs or whatever. really to got broken ribs or whatever so by bending you over I'm gonna hurt you with my gap fucking dunk dude. I feel like there should have been more like I do you want to just do a dunk Can I just like because it feels like you would ease him into like you got into that bed somehow. Yeah take some time Figure it out because he's like, oh, let me baptize you and you're like, oh, I don't want to hurt you. And now he's like, all right, power bomb. All right, you asked for it. But the key is though that Toa Tias now a Mormon, and he can just feel the Mormonism flowing through his veins.

Damn right. So, okay. So we cut over to Colipokey's wife, a genus, this character's name. She gets a name like nine tens of the way through the fucking movie, but Jean is domesticated in. When John runs out, he's super excited. He's gotten approval from the head Mormon, I guess, to build a new chapel in Neatropotapu,

which is the island that the first movie took place on. And here's what's fucking incredible about the next. I'm going to say genuinely like 20 minutes of the movie. Nothing happened when he took his family to Neo Tao atop a tube. Yeah, right. Nothing fucking happened. No, so we're now going to spend 20 minutes being like, and then I introduced her to the last movie. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So something happens on the way. We'll get to it. But yes, but to the last movie. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay, so something happens on the way. We'll get to it, but yeah, but it requires this movie to just take a weird, ass 25 minute diversion that in no way advances the plot. It is fast in the furious levels of expectation of real, not what to do.

Yeah. So, okay, so they have to go to Neoatt Toputapu and they have to get there They have to take this boat. Now I love the way this scene starts off because they've got five kids at this point She's had the one that she was pregnant with when they got to the island. I can't remember if she's pregnant again Or not at this point the movie to be honest with you, but she will be she will reveal she's pregnant on the Right, you're right. That's right and because you know, let's face it It's pretty hard to keep five children on Saddle at the same time.

They have to get rid of a couple of these kids for the boat ride scene. So they're like, oh, it's so weird to have left our two children with invisible black helper lady for several days, but I guess they'll be fine. Huh? All right. I mean, if you say we can only put 50% of our children on one boat at a need time, maybe it's like an eggs in the basket thing. Right?

One kid back or the other kid, yeah. Yeah, you eat the bag of rice is what the problem is. The kid will, but yeah, but and also by the way, this is a five day one way boat ride. So they're leaving for fucking weeks for this trip Mm-hmm and also they're on a tiny ass little boat with like six other guys Yeah, all of whom are bringing life-saving infrastructure supplies to this island It is like someone is taking a Disney cruise on a life raft Taken selfies

Water yeah he crews on a life raft. They're just like taking selfies. Water, yeah. Love it. This is also where we get the fucking moment with Nuku. Yes, uh-huh. Again, just the solid brass balls on this movie to be like, uh-huh. You remember that kid who fell out of the mango tree? And then John used his magic oil on him,

and he got better. Well, he's back in this movie who in the theater was like fuck i told you nuku would be back love that uh... i hope sure least the rones shows up in the tax on the magnus and i've got to say by bringing him back in they also have to like re live i was stupid the first movie is because he's got to like now like introduce this kid to his family on the boat and go like, this is the kid I brought back from the dead. Everybody's like, right, right,

when you brought someone back from the dead, right? That's a normal thing for you. I just said to all of us for sure. I guess as long as we don't spend the rest of the movie caring about whether or not someone dies, that won't have any stakes. That's not the issue. Okay. And then we get just a nice, a lovely little musical to interlude. The movie is just like, uh, when then, uh, I don't know, Sioni, he's super sad still, his kids dead. Everyone's, uh, you know, just, uh, upset or happy about wherever they are. In the movie. This is movie for, but anyway, yeah. This is movie for, okay, we promised the tongue ends, they could make a CD at the same time. I won't be sure.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, so now this is key and I apologize for all the fucking explanation I have to give you logistically here, but this both that they're on is towing a barge. And for some reason, someone has to be on the barge at all times. So they keep like reeling in this barge and swapping out who has to be out there. This time, it's Nuku, the kid who came back from the dead in the first ones turned to go to the barge. And fucking Coli Pokey's nine year old daughter has taken a liking to this guy. So she wants

to spend some alone time on this barge they're towing with him. Yeah. I mean, she is a moron. So she's practically an old mate of this. Well, right. Well, exactly. And then I was going to say in a long practice to Mormon move, Coli Pokey gives his underage daughter to some strange man simply because he's also a Mormon. And what's amazing is you can see them trying to construct a movie out of a nothing scene, right? Because what happened is, oh, when we were on the boat onto my way to the thing where I saw someone and nothing happened, there was a storm and it was really bad. Let me tell you, we almost died. And they were like,

cool, that was a sentence and a half. Yep. How do we make that? 28 Yes, yes, and of course the thing about it is that every bit of tension that this movie will ever manage to find is only there because this guy is just Crazy nonchalant about his family safety cuts until they are inches from death. He's like, la la la la la. The Grim Reaper is bending over his children. And then he's like, wait, I never said you could come in here. Yeah, right, exactly. So he just leaves his daughter with this,

not this fucking 18 year old kid that he doesn't really know. You know, he brought it back from the dad and hasn't seen him for 10 fucking years. And then a big storm rolls up. And this is where we get my best worse. We get to see the little tiny boat. Oh my God. They're trying so hard for drama here. And it is though, they gave us the little tiny boat scenes to insert in case there were ever going to be a thing. Right? No, honey, come honey, came back to doodle, toodle

loot. Rebadab, Deb three man in a tub by daughter. I'll never get in. Make the wee, the butcher, the bigger, the candle stick maker. It's so funny. And this all culminates in the least necessary and dumbest thing ever. So the, to the storm is pulling on the barge and the big, you know, that thing that always comes loose in movies, right? Everyone's always got a spool of very heavy rope, but that doesn't have a break or that break breaks very easily. So it stretches out to its thing. And for no fucking reason, no reason you could possibly conceive of. Guy runs over to Coli Pokey and is like, you must cut the rope and

drown your child. Yes. Look, I'm not saying there's no reason why that rope would need to be cut. There's definitely no reason why Coli Pokey needed to do it. Right. You were holding the axe man. So yeah, he hands him the axe and he's like, you must sacrifice Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, it does the fucking point break shooting to the air thing. Yeah, with the X, but there's this fantastic moment he throws, he's like, no, and you see everyone else be like, well, that's just a waste of an X. Well, we don't have a ton of X's. I mean, you can't just go to the Walmart here, motherfucker. Yeah. There are other reasons we may need an X yet. It's a five day trip back to asshole.

But yeah, so he throws away the ax and he prays to Mormon God. And damn it, if the storm doesn't just immediately stop. Yeah. And then his daughter pops up on the barge and so does Nuku. And it turns out everybody's just fine and literally nothing happened. That's it. and literally nothing happened. That's it. Daughter pops up.

Is that the closest we have to stakes in the movie? Yes. The closest to ever be to stakes in the movie. Yeah. So, okay. Now, as if he hasn't been careless enough, we get this bizarre ass fucking scene. They get to their destination. The island of I didn't.

I scrolled beyond where I had it written. That island they were going to. the island of I didn't I scrolled beyond where I had it written that island they were going to they get there and the dock has been destroyed in the storm okay so they can't just pull up to the dock like they normally would instead they're going to have to I am not making this shit up throw their children up against the sheer wall against a sheer cliff wall to the people that wait for them above So no beaches on this island, huh? Anywhere god damn one anywhere. Yeah, this is the only it's just it's cliff face all the way around It's a very unusual island in that way

It's like walking up to the top of the Empire State Building and being like, oh, the elevator's full. All right, kids, jump out, jump, come on, we gotta, we have to get down, we have dinner reservations. No other possibility. Oh my God. Yeah, no, it's like, and look, there is a point where they throw a baby, I'm going to say 10 yards. Yeah.

Now, it's a doll, right? But when they throw it, because the thing that he's saying he did in real life would be illegal to do in real life. Yeah, no, you can't do that in real life. But yeah, that's how they get on the island, chuck the fucking baby like they're at the Pike Place Fish Market or something. And then we have this weird ass scene where he just goes down a line and all of the characters from the last movie are like, hi, I was in the last movie.

And that's it. And also they're all the same actors, which is a weird reuniting thing. Right. It's, I mean, look, it's nothing says terrifying as the friends reunion on H.P. of Max, but this is the Mormon version of that. And they are really counting on you having some like strong memories from that. They this movie only works if the first one really made an impression right because like at 1.1 ladies sees him and she checks his feet and she's like, oh, they look great and they don't explain it at all.

Yep, his feet were eaten by rats. One time. So okay, so that night they have a big cook out in Coli Poke's honor. Yeah, mom looks thrilled to be eating something with a head still on it. It's so again, did nothing happened on this visit? He went there. They're like, hey, we remember you. He was like, all right, everybody, bye. So they're just they're stalling for time. Like we might as well watch him take a shit and just like we check his watch. Read a book. Yeah. Right. It's a, this is a goddamn white savior montage ultimately, right? They honored him who brought Mormonism to their island all those years ago with the, with the big feast and he tells them all a bunch of Mormon stories and everybody just is so wrapped that they fall asleep

right where they are sitting. Well, he's telling the stories. That's not. That's not a good sign that you're telling great stories. And girl, he should have fucked it first. Movie is here to be like that. She said she was and halfway shut up. She's not. She was in headway in college. They were all in head the way and check college. They were all in head the way and check out the solutions. They were all in Hathaway and college. Darling, you can't get mad at me. Carole the plug of pegacorn made that joke. Yeah, right. No, exactly.

So yes, so they all fall asleep right there where they were a party. And this includes his wife and their little fucking baby. She just fell asleep on the fucking under the stars on this island with her baby. Yeah. No, this is the fucking child the stars on this island with her baby. Yeah, no, this is the fucking child neglect is the plot. Just Tom can Eli slowly crawls over to the baby, puts the little humidifier temperature. There's face down in the mud. There you go. So yeah, but that was it. That was the whole point of this trip. We will never refer back to it or anything like that.

So now we're on the return voyage. And of course, mom vomits, and we all know there's only one reason women in movies vomit and that's pregnancy. Braimancy with their sixth child. Sixth child, they're really spreading out the stakes on the skin. Yeah. And I'm like, when are these people finding time to fuck? They're sleeping on a goddamn tugboat with eight other people. How the hell is this even happening? Why do you think they sent the daughter across

to go hang with them? Right, right. Apparently, get a quick in. So all right. So but then we we have to establish though that gene is totally digging this like even if she had autonomy she'd probably still be doing exactly this. So we see her at the Mormon church given her little I'm a happy Mormon wife sermon. They have a blackboard behind her. I'm sure she said words and I was supposed to pay attention to them. They have a blackboard and on it is just the word faith circled twice. Like faith. And then you're also going to need faith. You know, also need way more faith. Trust me. As soon as you start reading the book, you know, you're going to be like, he couldn't make a sword just from looking at one. No sense. So yeah. So it's so he gives. And then after she's done, she sits down,

he tags in and he's giving all of his new mission areas, their mission area assignments. Oh, I wanted so badly for him to be like, all right. Um, Taku and Moa, you are going to Boise Idaho. Yeah. Turns out we do swapsies now. Yeah, right, right. So, and then of course, the last people that he assigns to their mission is to that, again, that island that I don't remember the pronunciation of, the one he was just out though, and he tells him he's like,

and by the way, like, tell him, I'm kind of the Caucasian God of that island, so drop my name if you need anything. Yeah, if you want a tip less than 20% of the restaurant, tell him I said. All right, so now we have to go back to the closest thing this movie has to an interesting plot line. We cut back over to Cioni, that's the evil reverend that wanted his son to drown the pig. He is tracked down Natani the new Mormon And he demands to know where his son is This Scene is so fucking funny. I know sometimes we're like watch the movies don't watch the movies

You don't need to watch this whole movie But you definitely need to watch this scene because and no, tell me if I'm wrong here the guy who plays bad dad preacher dad Pretty decent actor. Yeah, he's good He's been given my son is dead to me 44stimes. Yes, it's script. Yeah, but he's also asking information to be like have you seen my son? Yeah, he's actually because he's dead to me. Yeah, right? Okay, well he's been assigned to the he's dead to me. Yeah, right. Okay, well, he's been assigned to the, he's dead to me. I don't care.

I don't care because he's dead. It doesn't matter where he is. It's like a grave. He does. He pulls an Eli Bosnick at one point and overextends his metaphor. He's like, so he is a missionary now. Tell me, where did they bury my son? And the guy's very clear, like, bury your son.

Where is he? He's dead to me. He's dead is he? He's dead to me. He's dead to me. He's dead to me. He's like, it's brave is what I'm. You just see this actor's eyes widening each time he's asked to say he's dead to me again. Well, and I look because he's like, I don't know where your son is. Only the head Mormon,

Koli Poki would know you'll have to go ask him. And he's like, oh, I don't want to go ask some white guy Where my fucking son is and he's like, hey, Coli Pokey is a good band And I just I have to put that line out because This is his fucking story Right he's writing a story where he's putting words in the mouths of it This isn't a conversation. He would have overheard or anything He's just writing a story. He's like they they were probably talking about what a swell guy I am,

actually, at the top. Oh, I'm so sorry. But to be fair though, then he undercuts the fuck out of it. He's a good man, just like you, Ciony. I'm like, that dude buried his son to his neck and left him to die out on the beach with. Like, what are you trying to say, bro? Yep.

So but this is time for the big confrontation. Cioni goes to see Kohli Poki and you know he tries to be nice but Cioni won't let him. Again, he's like he is dead to me and he's like okay, sorry to hear that and he's like where is he? Also, he's dead to me, but I wanna know where he is. Well, he goes, he goes, it's like, well, I sent your son to, he goes, he's not my son anymore. So, great dead to you. I sent the dead body of this fucking artist, formerly known as your son. It's your son, yeah.

I don't. And then he's like, okay, do you wanna see him? And he's like, no, came here to yell see him? And he's like, no, I came here to yell at you, to tell you, to tell my son, don't come back. He's dead to me, yeah, exactly. Well, I love to, because he's like, you know, he's like, well, I was, I'm a Catholic reverent and you're a Mormon and I'm like, oh, God, why?

But no, he just, he, he, Columbus, him and everything. Imagine how much you have to suck as a dad for the Mormons to treat your kid better. That's all I'm saying. Okay. All right. Well, I tell you what, I think we've just established ourselves a conflict, just a, two is winding to a close.

So let me give back three, the closest thing I can to a hard self. Will Coli Poki use his children to bait an alligator trap? How much more pointless danger do I have to watch him put them in? Is it too late to prosecute John Grobert for child neglect? By now the answer is to less interesting questions and more when we return for the and then we went home conclusion of the other side of heaven to Fire of fate This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey podcast listeners, listen to here chiming in to remind you that if there's something

interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals, there may be help out there. There's no shame in getting therapy, and our sponsor BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. You can start communicating in under 48 hours. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional therapy done securely online. You can log in to your account anytime and send a message to your therapist.

You'll get timely, thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly, video, or phone sessions. Look as a person living in a small and very religious town, I get how hard it might be to find help locally. But BetterHelp is available for clients worldwide with therapists that are secular, transaffirming, and sex and sex work positive. Plus BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so they make it easy and free to change great therapeutic matches. So they make it easy and free to change their best if needed.

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No, even better. It's good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Okay. I'm already Christian. Thank you. Please, please don't kill me. I am. I know. I know. But this is like a new and improved testament of Jesus Christ. Seriously, your religion has updates like Windows? Kind of weird that you have a Windows reference handy here, but yes, yes. This book tells the story of Jesus Christ arriving in America. I cannot overemphasize how little that means to me. So long ago there was this man named marona sorry sorry i just want to stop you right there is there any way that listening to this new and i'm just

gonna go ahead and guess it somehow more boring version of the bible leads to me getting medicine or shelter i i well you know i guess if enough Mormons came here as missionaries, they'd have to build a proper hospital and airport and stuff for them. So Marona, you say. Right. So he's building this ship. All right. Tight as a dish. As a dish. Yes. Great measurement of tightness.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Now, a lot of you have heard me say Mormons can go fuck themselves a number of times and you're probably wondering now that my son is a Mormon, do I still think Mormons can go fuck themselves? Well, my son is dead to me, so obviously I still go fuck themselves anyway, that was the entire sermon, let us pray. And they think he goes, they must be dead to you. Like my son is dead to me. And I really want her to be like, to clarify, I mean, the one who isn't actually dead. I mean, you're all here. I do have a dead son.

Which is very, yeah. Okay. And then we cut over to Coli Pocus baby factory. I mean, wife and it looks like the baby's coming. So they go to this terrible 1965 Tongan hospital. I mean, wife and it looks like the babies coming. So they go to this terrible 1965 Tongan hospital. And we get this whole like, oh, she has to run to go get the doctor.

Nobody has a vehicle that can take her. Yeah, this movie can't get over how adorable this impoverished nation they've done nothing to help us. Right, that's what so fucking terrifying is that like we see this terrible hospital and there I'm like, oh you guys are building a fucking church somewhere, aren't you? Wow, a church. Oh, you actually brought a barge full of resources to a separate island so you could build a chapel, didn't you?

We watched that 20 minutes ago in this movie. Fuck you guys. Wow. Also, there's just this fantastic thing of like the Tongans, she starts to give birth and the Tongans all show up and start to sing. And I was just like, yeah, women love involuntary music when they're going through labor.

And also like lots of strangers. They love that too. Yeah, no, they got a whole fucking band comes in. They've got like instruments like I get tires in shit Everybody comes to sing songs to her wide open vagina and they're very Excited about all this that band by the way shows up faster than the doctor. Yep. They do beat the doctor So yeah, and then I don't know maybe this is true by your seventh baby Maybe you do just sort of grunt twice

and pop it out or whatever, but she, yeah, she's just got a slipping slide in there at this point, you know. I guess, yeah, because with the doctor guest there, he's like, okay, pull it up, done. All right, baby, try and winen. But it's a boy, he's had five daughters and now he finally has a son

because that's what really matters in life. And this actor, so they got a pretty fresh baby for this movie. This actor holds this baby like he's demoing rifles in a gun show. Yes, little little baby's like, Hey, little next support, please. The next one. Next support, please. He's absolutely holding this thing like a fucking prize. He won for daytime dramas or something.

Yeah. And then so yeah, he holds up the baby for everybody to see they all sing to it some more. And then we get home and have a quick, you know, another quick white savior montage. Yeah. And this montage includes the time that they all dress like characters from Clue to go see the Queen of Top. Oh my god. Yeah, okay. So yeah, they go. They wouldn't saw the queen of Tonga who it kind of sort of half-established as a character. He is dressed as Mr. Peanut. Yeah. Right. So there's just suddenly a scene where Coli Pokey is dressed as Mr. Peanut. And then we're supposed to carry on with our lives. And also like this montage is ignoring something that they entirely ignored in the

first movie, which is like when he got to Tonga, the Tongan royalty were like, we don't give a shit about that kid, let him die. So this is them being like, she actually didn't eventually meet us just so you know, she didn't let us come over. I just like Mr. Peanut. So I'm pretty much her best friend. Yes. Yeah, so that just fucking devolves into a general Mormoning montage. And of course, Cionia is still super sad about the both figurative and literal sundying stuff. Yeah.

All right, so this montage resolves with Coli Poke preaching. And he's got this weird like salvation load chart behind him. It's so complex and stupid. It's great Okay, so how about this there is a circle on there somewhere that says spirit world over the top of it It's divided with a squiggly line into paradise and spirit prison and That is not the weirdest thing. Not the weirdest thing. And it's so funny and convoluted. And of course, the first spoken line in this scene is it's true. Yes, it's all true. Right.

You might as well be explaining the rules to cones of done shire. And then he's like, it's it's all true. Death is on his thing at the beginning. This is where it starts with death and it's got like a jagged enclosure like a BAM or a whiff might or something. And and oh and then Thomas Monson shows back up. I just had him down as bug squishard guy and might know it's because I didn't know who the fuck he was until the end

of the movie and he like I guess tags in on the sermon here. Yeah, he shows up for a second. Just be like, hello, just a reminder I was here during this movie. I'm very important person that I am. But just then one of his daughters shows up to tell Cole Pookie that his son is sick and you must rush home quickly. Oh no. And just a quick note, they rush home. We're going to get to that because that's the rest of the movie. As they're rushing home, someone dives out of the way with a will help. Oh, will help.

Fucking scream. Yes. Yes. Weird. Weird choice. I loved that weird comedic moment that someone snuck in despite the objections of the Mormon. But yeah, so his son is very sick.

There's something wrong with his heart. And this is the plot of the movie, apparently. It always was podcast listener, the rest of the plot of this movie will be, oh no, we have to receive the same medical care as the people we have been talking to about their religion for the last 30 years. That is until we fly away and get our white people medical care again. Right, it's not even we need to cure our child in Tonga. It's, we just need to get our child healthy and up in Tonga so we can fly him back and give him the real medicine. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And keep in mind that the whole first act of this movie was filled with people being like,

if anybody gets sick in your family, it's almost a death sentence to be the hell out here, away from good medicine and everything. So his neglect is the conflict. Yep. Yeah. And let's not forget that when they told him that he was like, Jill, worry, it's all going to be fine. I've got plenty of children to spare. I'll leave with more than I came with believe it or not. Yeah. And what are the thing I have to touch on about this movie that we haven't touched on? Is they make a big deal of the fact that this latest maybe is the son, right? He's had five daughters and the sixth one is the son. And you can't help but feel there's a little bit of like, well, no, you can't kill the boy one. I mean, I've got, I would say I've got three spare girls, right? You could

kill three of the girls and I'm still good, but don't kill the boy. The boy matters. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. So yeah, but we've established that as the big conflict that we have this scene where he has to see Thomas Monson off, right? And this again, here, he geography, right? There's no reason for this scene, but it's just like it's just the main character sitting there going,

like, I know you very well. You've slept in my home. He's like, I have slept in your home. And I am a good and noble person that cares deeply about you. And that's it. I know that just for necessity of the plot, we have me flying away right now and leaving you here to do your job while your son is dying. But say I'm a great guy. You're right. I did. It is a great, great guy kind of way. Yeah. So, okay. So he leaves. We get the scene where Koli Poki is driving down the road and like somebody comes on the radio to ask people to pray for his kid. Yeah. It gets aggressive. They're like, and we'll be doing it fast for Koli Poki. And

then there's like two more beats. And he like anyone who has found not fasting will be forced to fast. Oh, let's feel a little cargo Coltty, okay? Okay. So, okay, so then we cut to Siony and his wife and she's like, hey, you know, did you hear on the radio that the, that the white savior is, he's got a sick kid. So I'm going to give a fuck, it's, me and she's like, I know your kid is dead. We don't feel bad for other people's babies, just our babies,

except for the ones that I killed with my mind. Shit. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, and she says, you know, she says, I know you hate that guy and Mormonism and everything, but nobody will ever go along with you in your hate because you made your flock to Christian with all your great Catholic reverend thing. They can't even hate whity if they tried to. Yep. And also, like we keep having this, like when people keep

telling this guy, but you're a good man, though, and it's just he's fairly clearly not. I mean, if you want to be a good man, you could have written him as one. It's with those establishing shots at the beginning or four. Right. When you open up on him, burying his kid alive, it's going to be real hard to redeem him. You're going to have to work a lot harder. Mm-hmm. Oh, and then we have to see fucking Thomas Monson do some magic, right? This is the best insert of Thomas Monson.

Yes. Which is that Thomas fucking Monson, right? Fucking called, right? And was like, hey, I just want you to know I spoke to God because I'm the president of Mormon and your day, your kids are going to be fine. And they sure as a scene like God fucking zapped him from behind with a taser with that information. Yes.

Yeah, he's just sitting there getting a haircut. He's in New Zealand. He's flown off to New Zealand. So he's getting a haircut. And I'm sorry, like, we don't see his left hand. So I'm assuming he's stroking his cock with it. Yeah, it's definitely the space where he's doing. He's really enjoying that haircut.

I guess, you know, like, look, you're tonight, somebody pouring long enough, they're gonna have to take it where they can find it. And then he just sits up like he suddenly was like like he had a sudden emergency memory but no that was God telling him don't worry the baby will be fine so he calls so he calls to me he says hey man your baby's gonna be fine God just uh hook me up with that knowledge yeah so we cut back to him like telling his wife they don't worry, bug squisher guy called. And kids gonna be fine.

He's got an authority from God and he speaks for God's. Yeah. And they've got this great, almost self-aware conversation where she's like, hey, we've dedicated our whole life to God, we came to this island in the middle of nowhere. It sure looks like God's about to murder our son. And he's like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, And he's like, you know, they're months and interrupted his haircut. Exactly for.

And I, you know what, honestly, like the actors in this movie generally are pretty good. You know, there's no, there's no end, half the way in it, but like they're pretty good. And I was feeling so sorry for them with this clunky stupid dialogue where he has to just repeat what she just said and the question mark on it over and over again, less their little hearts. But he trades off with her, he's like,

you know, you go to bed and I'll be worried about the baby and you're a sted for a little while. Yeah. And then, so the camera starts to back away from him. He's got his back to us. And the soundtrack starts having this like elderly, tongue in man sang with this very, deep, very distinctive voice. And it seems like it's coming out of Koli Poki at first.

Yeah. It's the space balls, old man. Yeah. Right. Exactly. So, but this is diogenic. Apparently people have just shown up at his house now. Like it's a fucking sick baby carolers or something that's a tongue in tradition. Yeah.

And I hate to have a moment where I check my own privilege in the middle of our comedy podcast review, but there's this, this scene while this is happening, they're singing and the baby is struggling for air. And it's this very intense, dramatic moment. And I turned to look at my son while this is happening because I'm thinking, oh, my baby, I'm so glad. And he's literally buried under the pile of toys. His grandmother has got him. And I was like, they have it, folks, the two extremes.

Mothering on the floor of a tongue in hospital. And my kid can't get out from underneath the fucking third right along horse's grandma got him. And look, and this is the fucked up thing about it. Because again, this is just, you know, I'm sorry for them that their kid was sick or, you know, they must have been, it must have been very rough for them being in this island and having to wait for him to get better enough to fly. But, but like, that's just the kind of banal shit that happens to people. It doesn't

have movie level stakes, right? So they are trying their damnedest to ring some dramatic tension from this. Right. And the implication, by the way, of the stakes of this movie as they are right now is Man, it's good thing this isn't a tongue-in-kid because that kid would just be fucking dead wouldn't it? Right, right exactly right the stakes of this movie could best be described as but it's a white kid Yeah, being white Yeah, I love he goes out to thank the carolers and they have a little conversation to give him some banana bread to eat and it's magical banana bread so it'll be extra good for him. Yeah. And then they say oh we have one more

request. We'd like to do an encore and he's like oh I thought it would be me that would ask for that. It's traditional but okay. Yeah. Really wanted him to say no. Ha, ha, ha, ha. My, really, really kind of trying to sleep. Maybe another rehearsal or two for you. Okay, so and then we get, we cut the tooltie. Now, tooltie's been sent off to do his more men missionary work with, you know, his companion or whatever, but his uncle has tracked him down and is gonna drag him out of his hut

and beat the fuck out of him for changing religions Yeah, but it's apparently a very severe ass kicking because it will be the secondary stakes for the rest of the movie Yeah, well, you know to it. I totally could have won that fight if he wanted to he didn't want to he was to Christian He didn't fight he didn't fight back because of the Christianity. What happened to God helps those who do some fucking risk control? Come on guys. Yeah, but he gets his aspect and so his like his mission companion, God, every every title in Mormonism is creepy. His mission companion drags his near lifeless body to Newcus Boat and sends him to he's like, hey, could you take him to the hospital? He's like, yeah, that's a five day trip. We established that earlier in the movie,

but I'm sure I'm fine. Yeah. I was so sad that they didn't throw him down. Right? They had established the throwing was the way you get out to the boat. And honestly, if they just like kick this guy off the ledge and we watched him like, snap, down onto the down. Oh shit. You got to, They just like kick this guy off the ledge and we watched him like rap down onto the day. Oh shit, you got it. Oh, on one, on one, this one we normally do it. So babies are a lot less heavy. I'm sorry.

Yeah. But yeah, he gets to, he gets to the island miraculously or they just cut over five days and his dad is like there and he's like, dad, bad dad, who's been like my son is dead, my son is dead. He's like, my boy, However, could this you have? So I didn't want him to be dead to everybody else. Damn. Yeah. So but and of course, Cole Pocus waiting there when they when they show up with the beat up kid. So he offers to let Cionie then to a tight stand right with them to the hospital, but you know, Cionie hates

the Mormons, but I guess in this instance, he'll let it go. Yeah. And he's like, oh, my dear son, my former, let's not get bogged down in the details in such an emotional moment. Oh, so they take him to the best worst doctor. And he's like, hmm, he's got the fuck beat out of him. It's my prognosis.

Have you guys tried your healing magic? You guys have healing magic, right? He goes right to the healing magic. He's like, yeah, his brain is swelling up. That's never a good sign. So what we're going to do is we're going to wait for the swelling to go down. Do you have a timeline on this?

Yes, it could be days or months or never. Never. It could never go down at all. So the answer is no, by the way. If someone's like, hey, do you have a timeline for this and your answer is yes or no? The answer is no. You do not have a time. If it's one to infinity days, that doesn't count.

That's not useful. And he's like, is there anything that we can do? And he's like, do you guys have any cantrips? He's spillslots and he opens spillslots. I do. I have actually, I have some oil that I can go ahead use. I'm going to use my magic Mormon healing oil. And again, there's just this fucking amazing moment

where the movie is trying so hard not to look at us and be like, don't ask why we didn't use our magic healing powers on the baby. Turn it quiet and you can't even get a healing power that's supposed to be. Well, it also like the way that this is apparently applied is to place it on somebody's forehead and then just like, push down on it.

The guy's brain is swell. I feel like maybe you can put it on his arm in this instance or something. You could give it to him rectally or something, given the. Yep. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, but Koli Puggy does his magic and Cione is like, wow, he did some pretty good magic for my kid. That was, like, there was oil and everything.

He used a full fucking spell slot. He just wasn't even a candy. Yeah. And I would like to throw this out there. He says, Oh, I gotta go hang with my baby. And I wrote as a joke in my notes for our comedy show. I didn't fucking up. So my son's in first place for magic healing. Your son is in second. That is the next. Yep. Absolutely. Yes. So he goes in to see his baby. We have a quick exchange between him and the in the mom saying like, Hey, remember earlier when we said that stories always have happy endings, just in case grandma's worried that we're going to kill the baby off in this. That was foreshadowing. We also have one of the fucking darkest lines in cinematic history.

Mom goes home for a rest towards the end of the scene and she's like, hey, if the baby dies while I'm gone, don't worry about it. Yeah, so no, she specifically says, if the baby dies while I'm away, don't blame yourself. And I so wanted him to go like, well, I thought I wasn't gonna.

Why? Well, where you gonna blame me? I said, why do you? I wanted her to correct him. Be like, I mean, just you know, cause you flew us out here in the middle of nowhere. I was like,

where there wasn't. And like, Elder Monson and that elderly couple that disappeared earlier, they both said that we shouldn't be here. And it was couldn't just come on my stomach. Six. Yeah.

But yeah, but that's the thing though. It's like, it totally, it would be his fault though, right? Like she would go regardless of what she said. It would totally be his definitely his fault. Yeah. So, but she leaves for a while. He's going to watch the baby. Ciony watches from across the hall, like as Koli Poggi ugly cries over his baby for a bit.

It was at this point in the movie that my son escaped under his pile of toys and books his grandma brought him. So again, the moment was kind of ruined for me because my son heaved himself out from under. I'm like, and hobby horse and was like, ah, I want some more peanut butter crackers. And I was like, all right, I get you.

Get some more peanut butter crackers, I have some. Cont right, I get you to get some more peanut butter crackers, I have some contrast. So okay, so but late that night, Holy Pogies of Sleep in the rocker with a baby in his arms, which seems crazy unsafe. You could, we would just drop the fucking thing. So many things. So terrible idea. I mean, they threw this kid around it with a, yeah, so I don't even remember which kid it was. They would use thrown around, but he threw he's thrown a lot of kids around. He sees a baby throwing guy. Yeah, exactly. This is not a guy who's going to be convinced by back to sleep.

Yeah, but so Cione comes in while he's sleeping and he takes the baby out of his arms. Now up until now, most of what Cione's done is like, you know, trying to drown pigs and bury his children up to their necks and stuff. So we're a little nervous. The only stunt is like, you know, trying to drown pigs and bury his children up to their necks and stuff. So we're a little nervous. My first thought was, oh, he's going to turn his kid Catholic, right? Oh, that's a good one. I would be pretty funny, but no, he's going to use reciprocal Catholic magic to help

Cole Pocke's babies since Cole Pocke used his Mormon magic to help his son. And he is going to place his own son in second place. Yes, yes, he's like, God, so first take care of the white kid. Okay. Yeah. But then my kid, my kid's second place. I would definitely, there's no, it's like there's some other people at the hospital.

They're all thirds and forth some fifths and jets, but you know, there's one to make sure we're prioritizing correctly. And then third places, whether or not to kick this guy's ass, which I thought was a weird add on. Okay. So the thing is, is that this kind of seen more or less works if Sioni is praying in a whisper. He's not.

No, he's like, he's that guy being a little too loud at the hotel, right? Yep. That's the tone of voice he's praying at and he's like, they're God. You know, this kid first, Mike in second, and also should I kick this guy's ass or what? And then of course, by now, Cole Pocchia is awake and he's like, wait, why is there a bit about kicking my ass in there? You can't help but feel watching this and knowing that John, whatever his name is, wrote this movie that like he just fell for a guy very obviously being like, Oh, dear Jesus,

I'm going to pray in English for no reason. Don't worry about it. Definitely heal this kid. I'm a good guy. I just need $19 and 99s. And then when he realizes he's awake, he says, I'm sorry, I borrowed your baby and gives it back. Can I just written my notes? Feet Eli Bosnick story.

I wrote almost certainly the least harmful thing that ever happened before that apology. So there you go. All right. So and there's also this weird moment where he's like, you know, I felt some like Caucasian power emanating from your kid. I bet he grows up to do great things. Pin in that because this movie plays out in the best fucking way ever. Keep in mind it's his daddy wrote it. Okay. Yeah. So and then the Tongan government kidnaps a British doctor and makes him work on

Koli Poki's kid. Okay. This actor deserves an Oscar for this performance because he has to be dragged down a hallway for 45 minutes doing the unhand me. What are you doing? I was on the plane, but it's so long. So he's so long and a half into it. And he's just like, and another mention unhand me.

Oh, fucking hell. Yeah. And they finally after 45 minutes of the shit, they march him into this room, and there's the sick baby, and he has a very like, oh, Jesus, I didn't realize it was a white baby. I'm, okay, I'm on this kind of a creepy fucking moment, right? Or he didn't realize they needed him for medical care. So he was just like, oh, right, I'm a doctor, right?

Sorry. You guys could have told me on the plane, I would have come, you didn't have to do the bouncer drink. Right. Yeah. There didn't really make a hell of a lot of sense. But yes. So he teaches best worst doctor how to give a baby an IV, which apparently was the key to

the whole thing through the butthole because the baby is now healthy and then like the next scene, the baby is crying and miserable, which is a good thing. Yeah, he was so weak he wasn't even crying. Yeah. And what's amazing is this movie doesn't realize how irritating baby crying is because it's like, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, throughout the entire scene. And you can see the actress being like, okay, that's enough can the baby. We stopped it. And this baby to its actual mom. There's like a page and a half a dialogue left to do, Karen, a page and a half of dialogue. And then there's this amazing moment.

I love this moment so much. There's so much going on here, right? Because Sionis wife sees that the baby is okay. Now, the doctor that they kidnapped has already gone. He's gotten back to his plane, right? He's disappeared. Sionis wife looks over and he's like, Hey, husband, your Catholic magic that you did on that baby worked. Look, it's the baby is fine now. Our God did turn out to be the best one. But just then

toe tie wakes up, you know, and he's the one that had the Mormon magic done to him. Yeah. Really wanted his first words to be can someone shut that baby up? It's really your But keep in mind they've explained to the Catholic magic away. It was actually a doctor showing up and leaving before Cione woke up. There was no explanation for it for totes. So that movie very clearly is like, yeah, they both use magic, but the Mormon magic. One, that was the- The Mormon was pure magic, was it? He didn't get a doctor's help. He really miracled that.

Anyway, so yeah, so they're gonna send mom and the baby off to America to fix the baby, right? And I feel like, because there's this moment where the daughters are like, mom, I don't want you to go. And I'm like, is that because you've realized how fucked up it is to leave your other kids behind when the problem is inadequate medical care?

He he he he. Oh, it is rough. Yeah. And again, invisible black lady is there. She like hands the baby to the woman and she gets on the plane. I just, I honest, just like a see you when I get back, Cheryl. That's all I needed to say.

Yeah, right, right. So yeah, so she leaves, meanwhile, elsewhere in Tonga, some native baby is dying of diarrhea. Yep. And then we get another scene of Coli Pokey giving out mission assignments for his flock. Yeah. This time he's gonna send Nukku,

that's the miracle mango tree baby, from the first one to the village where Toa Thai came from where Cionny lives and they're going to finally have Mormonism and evil Catholic reverence village. Yeah, and he's sending Toa Thai there as well. Yeah, yeah, to the guy that buried him to his neck and left him in a storm to die. And there's this great moment where he's like, hey, sorry, I know we're literally at the climax in the movie. I also hear the horn section. You sure about that? You want me to go back to the play? They beat the shit out of me. Literally the last thing they

did was beat the okay. I'm well. I got almost died. I went brain. I got new coup. No, could you know, karate? Do you have an axe? No, he threw it in the ocean. Fuck. All right. Oh, it's it's sort of narrated through my letters, but remember, we did letters. It was now on the menu, another letter. So yeah, and holy boy, he's letter by the way, it's fucking insane, because he's like, yeah, the voices in my head are telling me that I'm doing a great job here, so that's good. Yeah.

And then, oh God, I love this little wrap up. He does this whole bit about, he's like, you know, we almost lost our son, which no, you fucking didn't, but we almost lost our son, really reminds you of what a huge sacrifice God made when he sent his only son, who is also him, to die for our sins, huh? Because he was mad at us.

He was himself. So he killed his- You can just stop being mad. That's such a weird, my wife has these friends. They're very sweet, but if they get drunk enough, they do that. And I always say he could just stop being mad and they're always so surprised and upset what I say. But you could just, you could just stop. Hey, I don't care.

All right, you know what, come on up here kiddo, we're gonna throw some fucking aborted fetuses around. Just daddy's over it. And then, okay, and then we, we've wrapped the movie up for realsies this time with Tua Taya Nuku showing up in the village and helping dad do his Dirt related poverty work. Yeah, and then we get the breakfast club clothes

Yep with the with the real photos of the real people these actors were portraying These breakfast club closes are so fucking funny. So first of all, right you expect bad bad dad minister, his breakfast club clothes is going to be he became a Mormon. Nope. No, he didn't. Yeah, he didn't. He made us tell you that he never changed religions. Right.

Yeah, in order to use his name, we had to make sure that everybody knew he went to his death bed as a Catholic. And then of course, Bugsquisher who was shoehorned in, has a, you know, he went on to be the president of Mormon, this number, whatever. But everybody else's breakfast club clothes is just so and so went on to be a normie. Yeah, there's just nothing to say. Especially, John, the baby who was saved at the president callers, your son is going

to be a great man. And the guy heals him. And he's like, I got the Caucasian magic from your son. He's going to be a great man. And his breakfast, my clothes is like, John lives in Arizona with his family. Yes. Lovely. They have an above ground pool.

That's, that's it. Nothing about the daughters, by the way, we don't even hear their shit. Nothing about, John's achievement in the breakfast club clothes is living in Arizona. The end and apparently his daughters did less or he cared less about them. Yeah. All right. So and that's the end with. Uh, would you like to take a stab at the moral of this story? Thank Jesus for Western medicine.

Yeah. All right. So that's going to do a part review of the other side of heaven too, but that's not going to do it for this episode yet because we still need to sucker ourselves into doing this again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well Noah, we've got one last entry for Mormon movie month and just two more until our show catches up

to the current timeline. See? It's a, yeah, it's a Dr. Strange tie-in. That's why we're gone. So, say it all fits together. You guys thought we just needed a vacation. No. So we're gonna be watching the,

and I believe I'm right about this, Mormon cowboy murder mystery. What? Brigham City. They just, we just saved all the other genres for the end of Mormon movie. Oh, we're in so apparently. So, all right, with that to look forward to,

we're gonna bring up episode 3 318 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon owners and help make the show go. If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God off one. They're by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review. I'm sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a, the

citation day to D&D minus and the skeptic are available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can get a mail, go out off on moviesandgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Loftes as a PNRutorias, Timberoppiston, Takes Care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Soughtney, who we will address on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkson, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right now, I'm

a Compton O'oleusians, promising to work hard to earn on the track next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Thomas Monson would go on to die and broiled in allegations that he enabled and covered up sexual abuse pretty much his entire career. Like so much everybody! So... Tonga would still rather have a nice hospital than more minutes of... Yep!

Yep! longer would still rather have a nice hospital than more medicine. Yep. Yep. You know, it just strikes to me that we, but we, you know, remember, we used to count to 10 and more than the only needed four and five. And he just let us keep going for so long between six and 10 until he's just up and rebelled against him. Was that what it is to To do it. Yeah. That's how I remember it. Do you think we get away with two now? Like if we just did a one two, what if I just if I do want and then you do two?

Two. Yeah. How tight can we cut this? Is those seconds added up Morgan? Right. No, it was hundreds of episodes. Well, maybe not hundreds, but it was a lot of episodes. Anyway, you owe us eight and a half minutes more yeah the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC

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