God Awful Movies - 32: GAM032 Mercy Rule

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

On this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces for an atheist review of Kirk Cameron's Mercy Rule; the tale of a scrappy, old-fashioned junkyard owner fighting back against socialized waste removal.  And while it's certainly the least "god" of any movie we've reviewed so far, it's far from the least "awful." --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Parents shouldn't be allowed within a thousand feet of a little league field. They shouldn't be allowed to do anything about it. They shouldn't be allowed to talk to coach nothing. They should not be involved. Yeah, and for their children, that's how my family felt. Here you go. You know, books no one will read until they get popular in 2013. They're gonna make a TV show. You'll hate it! God awful movie! Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be then right he's welcome back thanks sir and sitting nine hundred eighty nine miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnich, Eli, how are you this fine afternoon sir I just want to remind everybody I have backup copies it's like the firm if something happens to me the video gets police dangerous it's connected directly to his heart and YouTube so tell us he's what are we going to be breaking down today? All right, we watched Mercy Rule Which I would describe as the most

Anti-environment baseball movie I've ever seen Which was interesting. It's also the whitest baseball. Oh, yes, I've ever seen kind of makes Kirk Cameron like the Jackie Robinson of racist baseball movies and I'd also say this is the most libertarian baseball movie I've ever seen. Never gets addressed directly like this but the general theme kind of felt like you know the blacks can make a league of their own if they want. It was subtle though. It's subtle. It's not like I'm making it sound. Yeah exactly. Yeah. No subtle. Suttle was the word i used to the service of the well

so he like he why that's for that's for calling actually i'm gonna call you he like there we go so he like how bad was this movie well if you ever thought yourself man i wish Kirk Cameron would use professional cameras and months and months of other people's time to film his home movies and children's literally games, then man is mercy rule for you because that's exactly what this movie

is. It's just Kirk Cameron using very, very high quality cameras and enough lens flare to kill JJ. To film his home movies. Interesting fact, this is also the least Christian movie we have seen. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha but it is the only Christian movie you've seen. Yeah, no, Jesus never even gets a mention. Yeah. And if you want an idea how bad this movie is going in, here's the tag line, I check this out. This is what showed up on the poster.

And it wasn't a poster, but had there been a poster, there is no quit in family. Yes. You know how there's no eye in team, but there is an eye in family. Oh yeah, there's an eye and a my and a fail so yeah, I think he has it wrong Fucking terrible. Okay, so this occurred to me late last night as I was trying to fall asleep and hopefully you guys can help me out with it Can the following two statements simultaneously be true number one? I have made good decisions in my life. Number two, I have seen Kurt Cameron's entire filmography. I think it's a totology. I don't think he's the same one without

the camera. I also had this thought. Do you think Kurt called Leonardo DiCaprio to congratulate him on that Oscar? Oh no, he's a growing painstaking number of blocks for years. Hey remember remember when I was built over you I was built over you once bitch. Oh man, you gotta stop using that star 89 man. I gotta I'm gonna call the cops again, Kurt. Don't do that. Come on. We have a fun thing we do. He calls the cops and files a lawsuit and I jerk off into a bag and mail it to him. The Lord told me to. He said it's okay. He has to taste it first to make sure that it's not poisonous.

That's right. As long as I do it into a bag, it's not against the rule of owning. You just can't let it hit the floor. That's right. That's why I have them all bagged in catalog in my basement. A lot of people don't know that's actually what the song let the bodies hit the floor. It's basically a monster. It's a monster. It's a monster. in my basement. A lot of people don't know that's actually what the song let the bodies hit the floor space. Oh, good. Soon.

Very religious people over there. Well, I mean, obviously we can't throw around exciting terms like Kurt Cameron and locally owned waste disposal services and then expect you to contain yourself for a long. So we're going to pause for a quick break and when we come back we'll break down the 115 minute little league montage that is Mercy rule Hi, I'm Noah Luzanz and I'm Eli Bosnick and I'm Heath and right and there's nothing we like more than listening to podcasts Except for blow jobs. You've been in getting. Yes. Yes

Uh-huh, but there's nothing better on my drive to work or when I'm working out or when I'm doing science in the lab Then listening to our favorite podcasts that include the Eli Bosnick story commentary on the sporting prowess of the characters in a movie and of course Puppy Rape jokes. That's why we're so excited to present you with episode 32 of God awful movies better yet I got to do this one with my wife. Oh hell no, I'm not gonna watch that piece of shit. Never mind, but he's this here. I sure am. So enjoy our podcast because I know you're gonna love it. Podcast.

Podcast. Crank it up. Love it. And we're back for the breakdown and because Kirk Cameron knows that everybody starts his movies thinking, I don't know about this shit, we're gonna open the film by trying to convince you to watch it. He opens the movie that you're watching with a pitch for the movie. I mean, he might as well have a watch in the movie with... No, no, no, don't turn it off. Don't turn it off.

I know it's me. I know it's me. But just give me a chance. Give me a chance. I'm not even gonna talk about Jesus in this one. I'm not even gonna talk about it. We just eat food and play baseball, huh? Mostly ice cream and pizza, yes Which is the first indication and I'm gonna talk about it. There's a lot this movie is just so that there's light and Movement on a television screen. Yes. This is the music for dogs of cinema

It's just like things to play so that it doesn't freak out that you're not home. The movie. Also, by the way, Kirk Cameron looks more and more like Jamie Lee Curtis every day. And I don't mean in like a good way or a bad way. He just legitimately looks like Jamie Lee Curtis more and more. I wrote, you could push your thumb into Kirk Cameron's eye without him feeling it What's going on guys? Hey guys one of the units went black Do we need to replace it again? Also, I just want to throw out there the producers for this work cam fam which is very clearly just like his

home movies and shiro for baby. Yes, number four baby and so I wrote in my notes nobody puts hero for baby in the corner of course you did. And here's the sad fucking thing this is the second cam fam production that we've watched we have watched his fucking home movies before we came back for more and here's the clever way they managed to work in the exposition. We meet Kurt Cameron's character well there's a documentary film crew following him around. Talking to him about who he is and who started his scrapyard that That was how they figured oh, you know how we could you know We could work in my background. Yeah, yeah

We've been running this yard for 50 years Also, I would characterize myself as an old-fashioned type of guy About the past I really like Atlas shrugged except the 8th Is that what you asked? Oh I wrote my when they reveal they were scrappers. I was like, oh man, if Kirk Cameron and his son rape and kill a reporter, I'm gonna be awesome. I'm gonna be so psyched up. Oh, Jesus Christ. This movie could have been better. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, we catch him talking to another guy about his character bio Who is so unimpressed? Okay, so now this bad this is the bad guy that he's talking to will find out later But like I think three times in this opening scene

He just like wipes hand sanitizer out himself right just like in random places He's not like he hasn't even touched anything like I'm gonna wipe some of this on my face. Yeah, this place is gross He just wears a suit which is like super fucking dumb guys There's like three references in this 12-second scene of him being like, can't help but notice you're wearing a fag suit. Why are you wearing a fag suit? You fag fag? Anyways, come on into my garbage disposal yard. Yeah, it's like this movie had a very 11-year-old kid attitude

towards Zeus, but don't want them. So then, so yeah, they go inside to do more interview about the scrapyard or whatever. Which by the way is called Dante's scrapyard. Yeah, Dante really run by John every Christian man. No, it's John Miller. Sorry, Kirk, I'm playing John Miller much more subtle. Yeah, right. John Miller, John Milton, Paradise Lost, Dante, Divine Comedy, Dante divine comedy symbolism we know smart books

right I have I bet he would have no idea what the fuck you're talking about the closest Kirk Kermann has gotten to Paradise Lost as he saw the cover of Barnes and Noble and pissed himself and ran to the bathroom. Jesus you found it though didn't you you found it afterwards Think Jesus you found it though didn't you you found it afterwards? And there's this great moment where he goes so you manage waste and he goes that's not waste Waste is something that someone doesn't have use for anymore and I wrote in my notes was your mother a waste was your And he's a waste SJW He's like junkyard you mean scrapyard you J word please Jugyard you mean scrapyard you brazen jayword please

They also and the libertarian lean in this movie starts really quickly as well because he goes like so how much of your Business is subsidized by the government and he goes I don't take no government handouts We didn't We have from the ground up. We'll take no nigger subsidies We did it. We did everything we have from the ground up. We'll take no nigger subsidies Make our own way. He actually says we make our own way like God and George Washington. Yeah, David Barton The same guy that's the same guy. This is this is Ben by the way. This is Kirk Cameron's brother who we just met Yes, Kirk Cameron brother who is played by that Christian comedian who makes you want to kill yourself. If you ever get a chance, what's this guy's real name? Oh, I have no idea. He looks like Bryce Blank and Eagle rape their fucking buzzards from the Robin Hood cartoon. He wrote the chick-fil-a-jingle people.

He's a musical Christian comedian. The two words that you can put in front of comedian that make me want to kill myself with a t-shirt guy. He He also used props. He's brutal. Yeah, he looks like Eric Stoltz right after he massacred a movie theater in Colorado Rough looking gentleman He looks like a cartoon devils older less cool brother. Oh older, less cool brother. Oh god, yeah, and every time he was on the screen, I just wanted a rub feces on my own body. So we end this scene too with the evil suit guy going, oh, and by the way, how did your father die? And that's supposed to be the, oh, something's up line.

But it's like, everything he's asked you up to this point has been really fucking weird if he was doing a documentary about your scrapyard Also, why what does that have to do with that never comes back that never pays off right? There's so much of this movie that's like that But yes, that never makes there's never a reason why he would have asked that right the so I'm not so we learn early in this monologue. We're gonna hear about pops and pops seems to be racist Walt Disney full of old time y wisdom character. By the way, racist Walt Disney is.

I'm gonna jump out of there. I'm more racist. Less racist? I don't know. Did pop funnel money to the Nazis allegedly? I'm gonna. Who froze their head to escape the Jews. I'm trying to.

I get all confused. who first their head to escape the juice i'm trying to and i don't think but for whatever reason so are we supposed to think that curc camera in status pops or curc camera in's wife's dad was pops i think curc camera in status pop yeah yeah yeah because it's better than that old and dying of old person disease so the quenna that never comes back each but curc camera in gets up like it's gonna turn out that, you know, Kirk Cameron murdered him. Or that he died from like falling into the thing in the scrapyard or something.

Yeah, exactly. We'll be amazing. BillionaireMoney, I remake this movie where he just gets like eaten by junkyard dogs. And that's just one of the overheads that the little boy does. He's like, I remember when pop-pops made, well, growlyly angry, oh my god, get it off me, get it off me. He did not have a lot of wisdom during that moment. Oh, did not say many memorable things, although I learned a bunch of new words. And then we cut to the credits proper,

which was made via your movie for the Commodore 128. I mean, like it literally, like you basically, which was made via your movie for the Commodore 128. I mean, it literally, you basically, it literally has the little peel away thing, and then there's a little frame, and then there's little chalk things writing out the credits and shit. Like this was literally done on just like,

you know, whatever, standard fucking Windows movie movie. Yeah, this is very clearly now IDVD. It's possible for. Also, we learned that grandpa was like Walt Disney had been made out of tree bark. Yeah, what? So I wrote my nose. My grandpa was like Walt Disney made out of garbage. Exactly.

Also, the big sister will do the only thing that she does in this entire film for the first time in this movie, which is the big sister does commentary of whatever anyone's doing like its sports. Yeah, so for the first time, she's now going to say, here we go, Jimmy Watts's name steps up to the plate, except she reacts to every conceivable situation. I want a whole movie about her where she just dictates the terrible things in her life.

Like her mom dies in a car crash and she's at the funeral. She gets up to give them the eulogy and she's like, bottom of the night, basses loaded. And Karen Krammerin is no longer on the field. Ooh, I can't do anything else. It's the only way I can speak. It's the only way I can get into the stage. It's the only way I can speak. Now come to the stage to do the eulogy. This callable pen was brought to mind. Ban her name, dam her name.

Oh, Jesus. And also, by the way, of course, during the credits, we're having a rolling in the grass family fight. I think honestly, Kirk Cameron spends way too much time rough housing with that little boy for me to be comfortable with this film. I wrote my notes later on, there is no amount of trust that I would attribute Kirk Cameron to rough house with my child. Yeah, no shit. On or off camera. It's like retting your kid out to Michael Jackson only you don't get as much money. Yeah, exactly

What are you talking about this guy's gonna teach him all about the inner workings of the subway company? It's gonna be great Teach him how they make the sandwiches. Why is he crying? I Also enjoyed a little bit of the the sisters trash trash talk while the brothers throw it throwing at the the little Street sign that he's into practice. Yeah, she goes he throws a pitch sister's trash trash talk while the brothers throw it throw in at the uh the little street sign that he's using to practice. Yeah. She goes uh he throws a pitch, she goes it didn't curve, it didn't slide and it wasn't fast. Grammack could hit that. I wrote Grammack can hit a change up. That's impressive. Wow. Keeps her weight back. Nice. And then we

find out she's dead. And uh the trash talk got a lot darker. Yeah. Well, he whispers to that to her. He goes, Grandma's dead. And she's like, she still could have hit that pitch, which wasn't funny. And it was just, yeah, dark. Like, yeah, but at this point, the frame had been there long enough that I wrote in my notes. I hope the frame stays here for the whole film, the IDVD movie. I just wanted the entire two hour film to be that. I was like, right, new minus, I'm like, I bet they use every single effect on IV IDVD here

I bet we get every single one of them. I've got a little checklist going we get most of them But then dad comes home and when dad comes home, it's time for a great fruit fight. Yes, yeah, what? Just imagine throwing a full-sized grapefruit as hard as you can at a child or even kind of lightly, you know, just even like lobbing a grapefruit at someone It's their softballs. He just there's no they can't even stage it in the movie They very clearly like throw them around each other because if you threw a grapefruit at someone they would be like Oh, you broke one of my ribs This is a terrible idea. we should have done anything but yeah so they roll around in the grass and then they have a great proof right oh and then we meet mom

and boy did she hold up huh. No. No. Disagree. Disagree. She looks like Zelda from Pet Cemetery. My God, that woman. She wanted to like feed her a cracker every time she was on screen. She looked like the chicken lady from Kids in the Hall. She did. If you're looking for work, Chelsea, we might have something for you.

And then we cut over to them, snuggling by the pool. Yeah, right. The, like, hey, honey, now that I'm paying you, you have to pretend that you like it when I touch you scene between Kirk and his real life white Chelsea Noble. Who, by the way, was built, like, and everything she's ever done, it's been Chelsea Noble

in this movie, she pulled herself as Chelsea Cameron. Cam fam, you know. Also, by the way, no infinity pool, not impressed. This guy's supposed to be the air to a scrapyard 14, we're supposed to believe. Come on. Where's the hammock? And I love to. Okay, so this is basically how we meet the characters, the wife turns to the husband and says, what did we do to deserve perfect? And like your husband runs a garbage yard. I mean, I'm not trying to like belittle that profession. It's important at all, but that's not perfect. That's exactly.

How did we live in this paradise where you crush metal and then melt it down? Right. Also, he says, oh, you know what would make this better? Is a cigarette. Oh, yeah, he goes, you know what would make tonight great pause. And I wrote my notes, say blow job, say blow job. You can win me back, Kurt.

If I just get to watch Chelsea try and get the tip of her mouth without throwing up, I'll need you. You will have no bigger page. You're on supporter than me, Kurt Cameron. I gotta be honest, I was feeling the same way about Kurt Cameron try to smoke a cigarette. He's like, oh, please, please make that motherfucker smoke a cigarette in this movie He never does but I could just imagine be like giving a cigarette to a six-year-old. He hits it like a joint No, man, you only say that after weed after what

Goes in this goes in the mouth, right? I'm so high right now that's the burning end I know you're staring at yourself in the eye it's not okay who puts it out on my penis my dad's not here yes actually by the way his dad was there I just want to point out Kirk's dad makes a cameo in this movie all point it out happens yeah and okay so then it's late that night everybody's trying to go bed. But the kid is up in the yard still throwing baseballs at a trampoline because apparently that's all the kid does, right? Yeah. Kirk wakes up. Here's him doing that and goes, oh good. The kid's out in the yard by himself at 2 a.m. Miles and goes back to bed. My child has obsessive compulsive disorder

But I got to I got to mention holy shit this kid has actually played baseball Yeah, amazing. He was throwing it Correct like he was kind of short arming the pitch a little bit But I'm splitting hairs. He has played baseball Awesome in comparison to our other movies where he would be throwing it backwards. Yeah Holding it between his teeth and try to chuck it with his neck. Yeah, exactly. It's a frisbee. Doesn't matter. I'm going to strike out the goalie. And so now we cut to our first of 79 being at the baseball game scenes. And the way we're going to get there is them getting out of the cheap but doing it gangsta Yeah, this is ridiculous. This shot would have been appropriate if the reservoir dogs were about to kill some zombies That a little evil that would have been then a reasonable way to start this scene if not no and it's not yeah

This movie is gangster the way your mom saying Ricky Ricky raw Just imagine your mom You've seen that Canadian lady doing her anti-transmitter about that gangster. That's the level of super fly we're looking at in this film. I could just imagine the whole this whole movie, I'm imagining this, too, Kurt Cameron standing over the shoulder of the editor going,

can you do that thing where it's like slow motion but we still move fast and stuff? Can you do that? Can you do that? Do you have comic sands? Can you do it in comic sands? Can you do it? You just smell like blood. Why do you smell so strongly of blood? Not the question, friend. Nice, Wayne's why he did it anyway. Also, all the teams have like real baseball team names, so like the team, the main teams, the pirates, but the first team they play is the Mets,

and I wrote, oh, that's no fair Now we know they're gonna win by default And not if they're playing the pirates, but yeah, oh pirates are pretty strong. Yeah, that's so fucking weird It's actually weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I still not I'm still not expecting it. I'm sorry Did you say Wayne grits? I used up my sport I used up my sports And that you would know that's when Gretzky does play sports. You're totally right

Jesus The one who raped a bunch of people No, you're thinking of all the other athletes I do believe you're thinking of the NFL. Yeah And by the way, okay, so this is what we're going to meet. My favorite character in the movie by Leapson Bounds. We're going to meet Coach here. And I just got to say, I feel like this actor the entire time is just like, hey, you know what, it's a paycheck and I don't have to get need in the head by a small Asian man.

Yeah. This is God Marksguck or whatever his name is. Who's a former MMA fighter and a professional wrestler. You know, twisty. Who now teaches like street karate. Oh, what? On like a pay per video thing on his website. Oh, gotcha.

So I actually did some YouTubeing of this guy and believe it or not, this is the least crazy thing he's ever done on the video. Because this coach character is violently schizophrenic. Oh, yeah, deeply, deeply unwell as we're going to learn. But this is the first time we meet him. So I wrote in my notes, coach looks like a recently fired bouncer.

Yeah, he looks like a white supremacist who found Jesus. He didn't stop being racist. He just found Jesus. A lot of inappropriate tattoos for your kids little We coached to I wrote down coach looks like he should be testifying at a Barry bonds here. Yeah, right I just carried it to him man. It is what it is. Yeah, so Cody the little boy who's the narrator and the person playing Kurt Cameron's son Because his real son couldn't quite cut to much, I guess. Hits the ball real good and runs around the base is real good. But before that happens, I've got to, got a message.

You do. Yes. He gets up to the plate. They show you a shot of the infield. Get ready for sports. And they show you the shortstop. And the shortstop is fucking left handed. Left handed shortstop.

Short stops aren't left handed. Unble, a left the shortstop is fucking left handed left handed shortstop shortstop is left handed unbelievable left handed shortstop is ridiculous you can't throw the first base properly the angles it's like having a surgeon with herpes you just would not do that you don't do that by the way I just want to point out because I'm I'm I'm not a big baseball fan at all but I actually walked into the room when Heath was like paused on the left-handed shorts Top scene and he is like literally having an issue over here. He's like standing up like fucking calling people Fucking writing letters to his congressman and

Who's very upset? I just watched a movie about whether or not it's okay to pull your way into a child's cancer ward and whether or not evolution is real But I have a line Next show it's just us Heath is no longer associated with the god awful movies podcast We do not like content to me heath release my content to me Seriously though if you google has there ever been a and then the letter L, it says left handed shortstop in the MLB. No, and no, pretty much never in like five million in on my

Google. The letter L always comes into, or always becomes lesbian and mine, yeah. Yeah. So then legal. Legal gets filled in a lot. Yeah, it's ever there. I've ever been a L. Yeah, that's gonna be legal way too. And then we'll just leave it there. Legal age four. Age you can sense laws are bullshit. Am I right? Come on, who's with me? Thunderfoot. Let's get it going. It's gonna be just me next week. Guys, God's not dead too soft. I bet if Eli was here he'd say some funny thing about how fat she got. He ditched me at the theater again. He's still mad. He said Deadpool was great. That old lady I've seen three weeks in a row just put her hand in my lab. I don't think she was trying to do some special. I think she just

Wanted to feel what they felt like She forgot I think she just forgot I'm gonna yeah, I was gonna say no I'm gonna sit closer to her next time see how it works out for me Cut a little hole. Oh my fine. Let me get this word. He's out of my mouth. I'm Okay talk about your mercy rules No gag reflex when you put dentures in every morning. You know what I'm saying? Gonna suck the hair back into your head

By the time this movie hits the midway point It's so much rather get blown by old ladies Watch these fucking movies. I'm so sorry to be saying that every happens Oh shit, where do I feel like we've gotten far afield I feel like Nothing happens in this movie. So yeah, nothing's happening in this movie. And then, uh, no, but the kids are up at bat, finally. And, uh, they, they show the infield, they show the fucking left-handed shorts, they throw the pitch.

And it comes in, like, six feet above his head. They show you the shot from the side. The pitch is coming in. He could not even reach it with an enormous, but not possible. And then he just, standing on a fucking stepster. Yeah, not just tennis. And then they got to it just a normal baseball swing and he gets it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Any claps for himself, which is bad form. Then we cut to everybody having snow cones after the

game. And we meet his dorky ginger friend Jeff, who is honestly in this scene, he looks like he's about to offer to T bag. the kid. He's like, dude, you're so awesome. Would you hit that ball? Oh, you and balls. I think about them all the time. Yeah, I thought we were going to have the scene from Billy Elliot where he tries to warm his hands inside it. Yeah, right. Yeah, I just locked them there. But of course, Cody wants to pitch. He doesn't give a shit that he won the game and hit the ball and got to run or whatever. He wants to pitch, damn it, but Coach Hensman isn't going to let him. So we get this. He's not allowed to pitch montage. We're like 96 times. We see the kid walking up to the coach going, Hey, coach, can I pitch and him saying no?

Like, this goes on forever like they think it's funny. Well, for 85 hours, yes, the rule of threes has been demolished. This is the rule of three cubes squared. It's the longest fucking montage of a three joke I've ever heard. Coach, can I pitch? No. Coach, can I pitch?

Coach, can I pitch? For 87 minutes, I was like, oh my god, I died and got trapped in this universe. It's like escape the void. I shouldn't have taken that acid. Now my soul is free from my body. And I'm just going to watch this kid ask the pitch for all eternity. Although, hold on though, did you not enjoy all the hat work they did during those scenes?

I was switching it around. It was forward, some sideways, but like, BuzzRooten definitely took an acting class and learned some serious hat work and put it to use in this movie. It's good stuff. So now we get a baseball montage where we're seeing the whole season go by and the way we know the season is going by is because the word March will roll across the screen and then the word April will roll across the screen and then the word May. So apparently we've been at this fucking baseball game for three months now

and i i wrote my notes this movie is shot like the episode of diners drive-ins and dives that they're gonna do in guy fiatty dives ha ha ha ha ha we're gonna miss you got now that's flavor town right there flavor town right there flavor town right so now it's a sorry just just to address that, the time passage thing, I think that, I mean, that could have been an old calendar, you know, like they were just crossing off

days to catch up. Like, you don't know, they were just exing off. Just keeping up. Maybe it was just all one game where the teams kept changing uniforms or maybe it was all in one day and they were just doing a like, you know, whatever nano-trooper header or something. And then we learned that Cody has been banished to right field that poor little bastard he's got some white people torture and I would like to point out that the way he describes the right field is just standing out there and nothing ever happens so I would like to volunteer to play that position forever there's ever an atheist baseball team that becomes mandatory under communist America.

That's the position I'm going to take. Dibs. Dibs sounds good. I'm right-handed, so I can play short stop. Yeah. And now this is important, too. OK, so two things are, OK, first of all, two things are happening simultaneously in this movie.

That will be true from this point on. There will never be a moment we're zeroing in on a single scene. There will be two scenes happening at once eight seconds at a time but what's going on in this scene is number one uh... it the ball comes out to right field and and and Cody throws it but the fun catchers run off to go get to piss or something and there's no way there again the other thing is dad is getting angry messages from his brother Ben who is listed in his phone as Ben bro. Yes, the screen literally reads because we needed this explain to us not once but three times the screen reads

This is from Ben bro and the text is call me bro call me bro. It's important bro. You're my brother. I'm your brother I'm your brother. I'm your brother. We came out of the same vagina our mothers namely we're brothers here's a picture of our paternity test just in case you forgot so uh... so yeah now code is being a little bit about the fact that he didn't get to play and then bend bro shows up with bad news apparently government regulation is fucking the little scrap recycler mom and pop shops again. Yeah. Obama's nationalizing the scrapyard industry. With a product.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Oh, they call it the EP. Oh, yes, yeah, big EPO is coming to took their juror. Yeah, right and of course this entire shot is being shot into the Sun so that we don't have to look at Kurt Cameron in this Comedian guy which was awfully nice of him. I want to much rather watching eclipse I make it eyes I wrote I can't see you're shooting the Sun I'm wearing sunglasses at night to watch this movie indoors right now. This is very uncomfortable

I'm wearing sunglasses at night to watch this movie indoors right now. This is very uncomfortable. Also, we learned that that bastard from before, he's not just some documentary maker. He's an eco lobbyist and they say eco lobbyist like child rapists. And even those an eco lobbyist for hire. Oh, yeah, you're not a lobbyist if you're not for hire guys. This eco lobbyist wants Kirk Cameron's face Off Yeah Not a good character. This is a bad guy. This is a bad guy. We're gonna learn but Kirk Cameron's not worried

So he says come get a cone and then we get the hilarious comedian doing about 27 minutes of improv on a cone A cone what's a cone? He's like a snow cone. He's like oh snow cone. Yeah, I'll on a cone, a cone, what's a cone? He's like, a snow cone. He's like, oh, snow cone. Yeah, I'll get a cone, cone, cone, cone. And you can tell everyone like could barely contain their laughter. They were like, oh, man, when you said, I'll get a cone. I sat, I sat into a bucket and ate it. I couldn't, I couldn't. You're hilarious. Also, I want to point this out to this is how little attention this movie is paying to itself. When the brother shows up and he says, Hey, look, here's this guy. He's an eagle lobbyist for higher. He's like, Yeah, I know that guy. That's the guy we talked to the other day. All right. We just had a three month montage. This movie has lost track of the fact that three

months have gone by because now they're talking about this guy that they talk to yesterday okay that would like when when when that hit I had to stop the movie for a few seconds I had to walk around I had to take a little little walk around the block it's okay okay it's that kind of movie they're not even paying attention all right all right it's going to be one of them they're not paying attention why should I am right nobody obviously took notes on their movie we are the first humans to take the when we got to the end of the movie and it says written by my bullshit bull no shit improvise by on it so now we're back at home dad's yelling on the phone kid is throwing baseballs more there's problems you know not particularly well explain problems but problems right

and this is where we learned that what the government is doing, because what Dad is yelling on the phone about, is that he had filed an application for government subsidies for handling hazardous waste. But that subsidy listed things like tin cans and trash bags and newspapers as hazardous waste, which by the way when they actually get to that scene I want to talk about the difference between those two, but it's fine. So he's like trying to get the form they filled out back and basically the point of this film is like the EPA is just or the EPO in this film.

The EPA is just trying to take away americans rights to handle hazardous waste without any training or government oversight that yeah that's the good guys fight in this movie you can see why they went with uh... there's no quit in family right yeah this is entirely his fault he's taking an illegal subsidy there is no conflict no i'm unicted. No, I got caught doing a crime, but I didn't know it was gonna get me caught Also, by the way, um Kirk Kermann's wife has a stronger jaw than Bosruten the MMA fighting coach It like I'm not sure if they show her lower body in this movie But when they show just her face I'm picturing a centaur the whole time Yeah, she looks like she looks like the guy that knocked out Ronda Rousey.

Hahaha. And of course she tells once dad gets out the phone, and she's like, you should go out and talk to your son. He's upset. So Kirk starts to walk out, but then his cell phone rings and he answers it and we know he's a bad parent now. Yeah.

And just owning the cell phone was pretty pretty good indicator I guess. And this is when we get, uh, I wrote in my notes, this movie is shot like porn for women, just slow hazy shots. You can see all the dust in the sunlight. Right. You can make those actors say they love each other, but they don't. I love how he's had this moment here where it was just like oh wait shit Those are for women for women. Oh I love those the good thing about the big realization. Yes

Mind if you don't hear It's porn for women just say They divided the industry little insight industry term nobody slaps a tent. It's porn for women now. So, and also the little narrator kid says at one point, just to like really lay down the libertarian stakes in this movie, he says, the kids, the government was trying to take our business. I didn't even know they could do that.

They can't. You're okay kid, don't worry. This is a fictional bullshit universe created by a bunch of goddamn fucking iron ran fans that don't know how reality works So yeah, but as we learn later There are actually some pretty good reasons to question the validity of this business But we're gonna get to that later on yeah, and we talk about wrongful death lawsuits and Elevated mercury levels in the soil. Yes

So get Cody's through with us waiting to talk to dad shit. So he bikes away and I'm convinced that he just did that because they were like, he's on the bike we can make the camera. Even more wobbly. Yeah. And this is where we get Koti giving us some of Pops's good old-fashioned wisdom.

It's him. Pops held a machine gun in World War II. You could tell by his knuckles. Right, and he always used to say, first in last out, and I wrote in my notes, the Eli Bosnick story. I think it would go the other way, but hey, you know, that's just me. He also says, you know, he's listing all the great grandpa wisdom,

like Kony, if anybody ever messes with your sister, you make like a stung rodeo bowl. That's actually one of them, and then he has other wisdom about fighting people who anger you. You got a problem you go eye to eye with them no matter who they are so he writes the coaches house and I wrote oh my god he's gonna go fight his coach. I wanted so badly for that MMA fighter just a flash cut to the MMA fighter on top of the kid. Tap out, tap out, I can't. Pops said, go hide, hide. This is, what does a stung rodeo bull do anyway?

I don't know. So, but instead we catch coach washing dishes and I'm convinced that that's because he walked on stage or on set or whatever. He's like, what if I will rub a gloves the entire time? That would be funny, huh? And they said, yes, because they thought that was funny. So. I once saw a homeless man screaming at a pigeon.

That is my motivation for this movie. By the way, I like how he chose a communist accent for this film. It's bad. I think that's really how he talks. But he's terrifying. This entire scene is a cocaine deal deal if you switch out the kid. He looks like the guy from Hostel, he's got rubber gloves on, he's got an apron, it's terrifying.

Yeah, but his daughter was pretty hot. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah. And he's basically the coach is telling him, oh, you're here because you want a fucking pitch and you're going to try to tell me how to coach the fucking team and she Coach tells him to fuck off but rather flamboyantly During which he has a violent breakdown where his daughter needs to coach him down with house music

Yes, there's one point where he's like they try to tell me how to go And she's like no, okay fine fine to be What happens and he's like yes Play the house music to me and I was like you should leave this man's about to fuck his daughter you don't want to be in between that dude let me get in there let's mix it up so but instead it like well yeah well tell you what there is no doubt when Cody shows up to the house coach can I pitch this time? No, still no. Still no, you can catch. But I guess coach is so impressed that the kid came to ask himself rather than have his

mom or dad show up to bitch out of which I liked that message in the movie. Yeah, like parents leave your fucking kids little league. Yeah coach alone. Excellent message. Yeah, but but he decides to have a cold beer with him. Root beer guys. It'll be fine. Right. And I love he's notes during this scene

He's it's kind of kind of ruins the whole thing. Um he He's giving the kid you know like these lessons and I just wrote like Fuck this is a really good lesson about the catcher being out of position and then like Fuck also a really good point about the individual nature of baseball making team cohesion even more important like he just keeps making Then I wrote fuck also a really good point about best versus best for the team everything he said was good So I might be Christian actually I'm not sure That's what it would take. We'll see how the rest of the movie goes all those intelligence squared debates and it took an X MMA fighter Screaming about team cohesion in baseball and now he's on the other side.

No, but yeah, coach all great points from the coach. Yeah, yeah, no, there's just a hot girl at the Christian bookstore and he's getting desperate. Honestly, there is a really hot girl at the Christian bookstore. Honestly though,'ve felt like in a lot of ways this movie wanted to be a good baseball movie but it kept having kurt camman libertarian shit thrown in there uh... just to make sure that never happened and then we get that curts wife again because she has a scene minimum i guess and uh... so you get ninety seconds of her saying kody where have you been oh i've been uh... i've been out talking to my, well, let's stay on camera for about 62 more seconds

Right I wrote there is an hour and a half left in this fucking movie and hour and Oh my god, it was so long and I mean like this scene for example This is a scene where they're talking about what happened two scenes ago That's all like the scriptwriter forgot that we already saw that scene so now he feels like he has to tell us about it. Just in case grandma woke up in between the two scenes in case Boslurman screaming or whatever that guy's name is the X MMA fighter screaming woke up grandma during the last scene. She's like what's happening? I want to turn it off. You're like no, no, no, no, don't worry worry can his camera is going to describe the movie to you

haha so now we cut to nighttime and Kirk wanders into his son's room and I wrote are we gonna watch Kirk fuck his son but no it's it's the daughter's turn tonight and now we get more baseball it's the it's the next day and this is also where we learn by the way that this girl's entire life is her brother's little league team that's yes that's the only thing we learn about that character. Yeah, and with all that and the sports commentary talk. Now this is a pivotal scene in this movie and it is also one of the most difficult things

to watch that we've ever watched just because it's so bad from a film making perspectives because now again, we can't have just one scene. So we're going to cut between the kid playing a game of baseball and the dad, you know, chatting with evil suit man about the evil EPO regulations that are gonna steal his business out from under him. Yeah, and during this scene, the coach, by the way, gives the exact same performance

as Tom Hardy in Bronson. In case you're wondering. He doesn't have a thick baseball coach. He doesn't have a thick baseball coach. He doesn't have a thick you're wondering He doesn't have a Facebook Yeah, we don't know he didn't have his Yeah, there's a lot there is an enormous amount of this movie something like 8% of this movie is Uncomfortablely close to boss ruten through offense

There's an awful lot of that shot. They once they had like eight hours of that at the end and we're like, you know, Buzz is gonna be pissed if we don't use this guys. Right. So yeah, so the evil evil suit man is telling Kirk about how junkards used to be tended by immigrants and gypsies. That's what he says. Narling dogs. But now they're the city's darlings. Yeah. What? You know how the darling of your local neighborhood

is the scrapyard? Well, now that they've run the gypsies off, yes. What? Oh, and Kirk Cameron just has amazing lines. So the crux of this is, you're an evil fancy Jew word. And what you do is you come into town and you trick people into asking for subsidies for things they shouldn't ask for subsidies for,

like tin cans and newspaper, then you're gonna test my dirt and say that my dirt is, quote, covered in toxins and poison. Yeah. Right. Because your dirty Jew labs are gonna run that up. Well, I love it. This whole thing, this whole monologue starts, you got turns doing me, I know who you are. I know what you're doing and it just won't work. And I just want to point out, I say that to strangers. Just in case, because one damn and a get the right guy and he's gonna like

style. Because one damn and he get the right guy and he's gonna like style Debock throw a smoke bomb down. Yeah, right this is why I don't Have a fuck man. You gotta stop set you gotta be like oh my chest is so unprotected What was that caran episode we're gonna do next week? And then of course evil suit guy follows that up with like are you mobbed up? Do you intend to have large Italian Italian men come by my home, which I also ask strangers? Yeah, I ask strangers that too, but it's in a very it's on grinders. It's a very different scenario. Not quite as racist when you do it got it. Also, this is when Kirk gives his little monologue. He says, you know, I watched my mom put blankets over Molotov cocktails while my dad worked the shotgun,

and I still have the shotgun. Yeah. So basically, his response to this eco-lobius being like, here's all the illegal stuff you've done, I'm going to get you in trouble for it is, I will shoot you. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Right, well, and the entire, like the entire thing, okay, during this scene, Kirk Cameron reads

a prolonged portion of a recycling subsidy contract to us. He goes through and explains what the bad guy's plan is in like six steps. Literally, he's going step five. You go to the city council and have them change the definition of have it or this way. Step six, you do this and then The guy the bad guy turns around and explains all the same stuff to him again because he's already done all of it Yes, he's already done all of it including but this is the kicker that the guy pulls out at the end They have a wrongful death lawsuit. Yeah, but but that never

death lawsuit. Yeah, but but that never comes up again. If somebody will not be answered, it's something that should be addressed, that their scrapyard has a wrongful death lawsuit against it. Well, also the evil suit man, when he's saying like, you'll never test Kurt, because Kurt keeps in, you'll never test my showing. He's like, oh, I already tested your soil. And, and he goes, I found I think everybody agrees that there were harmful levels of mercury and i'm like that's a real problem that's a real thing that's not like a made-up like jew lawyer where it's right that's like kids who can't read anymore

yeah distressing levels of mercury in the soil that's really bad that's the reason we need that e-. Right. Now we know what the governor of Flint was doing. He's watching this movie. See, it's just a fancy word. It's fine. A little brown in the water. It's iron. It's good for your bones. It's only blackheads. It's fine. Jesus. They weren't going to learn to read anyways. No, of course. No, of course in this During this scene we're also again. We're this is getting interspersed with footage of the the baseball game And this is where like Cody gets to go up and and pitch finally coach brings him into save and then he gives up the tying run

During that moment my music note was Ken Burns was like this is a little much my music note was Ken Burns was like this is a little much. I mind was Kirk standing behind someone saying make it sound sad like the sad scenes in crouching tiger. And this is also the greatest line in the entire fucking movie by no question on that. When it becomes clear that evil Jew lawyer man has you know whatever like enacted his six-point plan against Kirk Scrapyard business. He says checkmate rape and pillage. Exactly. He's my boss next story.

Also the Bobby Fisher story. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha was the bad guy, a checkmate rape and pillage. The ego lobbyist is the guy. The ego lobbyist yeah. And this point, the guy might as well blink his eyes sideways. Yeah. Right. Yes. He gets all the horror cruxes were all fucked. Yeah. So and then of course in the meantime, Jeff, the little ginger kid from earlier comes on to relieve Cody and and and he gets goes back to bitch field over there and Kirk camera's response by the way to this final like hey man I've got you checkmate rape and pillage is to pull a baseball bat out from under his death and try to hit him with it the good guy the good guy that was his response is I will fuck you to death with this no never mind never mind their filming. They were. That was the

plan. The bat was the ace up in sleeve. That's why he was all confident this whole time. Mixed no set. You sure you don't want to turn the cameras off. I plan to assault you. Also we get the mercy rule name drop twice. Yeah, they said the name of the movie. Which is great because

that's the only time it's remotely relevant to this film. Absolutely irrelevant to this movie. Yes. There's no baseball mercy rule. There's no metaphorical. There's no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, off us in the way of stakes so I guess we can pause for a quick break here but before we do let me give back three of the hard so will the kids win the thing will the bad guy do the thing will the good guy thwart the thing find out the answers to these questions and that's it when we return for the polling out because we both got bored and neither of us were gonna come anyway conclusion of mercy rule I came. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA game. Uh, sorry, sorry what? When the game gets going, you go to the game. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense that if you can't find sense, try looking for dollars. Uh, okay, what does that mean? Uh, sir, your father has terrible dementia.

Maybe, maybe better just to let him rest. Right, yeah, okay, probably best. I made a poop warm. And despite our better judgment we're back to see if this thing is ever gonna grow a plot and we'll start this half of the flick off with a little cross-moping between Dad and Cody both of whom are disappointed by how their day went right and basically this scene with the sun is you should be happy for your friend your baseball team one, but he's not because he's an asshole. I think that's what we're supposed to get. Yeah, and the sister of course is talking about nothing other than how awesome Jeff is and how big his deck probably is and everything else. She is so impressed that he retired that wasn't really only need one out anyway yep she super impressed that he

managed to uh to strike that kid out and talks about it for the next like 26 minutes of this movie but Cody so mad about it that he throws a baseball through the fence yeah and by the way they show the shot from the other side the fence after he breaks it and there are burn marks in the fence There's like embers and smoke coming up in the first spot with a ball at the fence. It's like wild things too. I'm really happy to say I don't get that one. So yeah, Cody's's been fantastic baseball films A lot of Jesus in that one too Charlie Sheen when he was just starting to go crazy No, I know I'm gonna have to check that one out. He was wild thing in major league nice So yeah, oh there. Yeah, it's a little tie-in

So yeah, he breaks the fence music. I'm major league too. I just realized That was his character's name. I Like the comparison to wild things too. I thought that was apt. I thought the here we go wild things was at Yeah, whichever one has the most tips. Let's go with the word worse to secret of the use go for it I don't know is there a wild things to? I don't even know if there is a lot of things to yes,, there's a lot of things to, I have a friend to his in it. So yeah, the music note I had by the way here is we're trying our damnedest to make it seem like something's happening. So my music note was you can't take the sky from me.

Right, so we get this really long scene too. Like I said, we cross-moping. We never settle on one scene in this movie. So at the same time that that Cody's being upset that he didn't get to be the hero dad is staring at his dad's old Mustang for some reason and his dad's photo and grandpa has a photo that says I didn't care for the Jews and I told most people about it well I love he's got two pictures to he's got one of them young while he was in the war and the other when he was like 103 in an oxygen mask, he has nothing in between.

That's it. Those are the two pictures. But Kirk Cameron's so mad about the Jew lawyer taking over his business that he decides he wants to destroy not only his father's car which has been sitting in his garage but his father's photo as well which is also still in it yeah grows the photo into the car and he's like scrap it and the guys like you you want to destroy the last remaining photo of your dead dad yes yes

yes and I too because I had a bad day all right well also this is where we learn that Kirk is back on the cancer sticks because right after that he pulls a pack of cigarettes out. I'm like, oh my God, he's going to try to smoke, but he doesn't. He just puts one behind his ear. And this is where we cut to the little sister or the big sister saying, you're not actually unhappy for Jeff, though, right?

Because that would make you evil. Yeah. She even says like the bad guy in a movie. And I'm thinking, yeah, except that none of this is interesting enough to make a movie about, but otherwise. You have to be happy for a trip. And by the way, this was definitely said at some point in the writer's room. You know how we can get the sister into the sports movie? She can talk about the sports. Talk about sports. That's great. That's really good guys. Let's take lunch

We'll come back to it everyone come back from lunch with talk about sports Also, this is where Kurt Cameron's wife puts on her most fuckable dress, which is not very Fuckable it is first date after the divorce dress ever you've seen one Yeah, yeah, and I also think it's really interesting what just on the sister's thing that this movie had never occurred to this movie that the sister could also play baseball that there's also girl baseball this movie has no idea. There's no girls in baseball. What? What? There's no black people in baseball. Oh, no, that neither.

So yeah, and then, yeah, so mom is calling dad and saying, you have to meet me for a date in 40 minutes. God damn it. And he's like, I'll stink. And she's like, you always stink. And we're supposed to think that's funny. But I think that's probably just true. It's just true.

He was like, cut, cut, honey. He said you wouldn't say that. I just wanted on a record. It's just for me, Kirk. It's just just for me can I have one fucking thing for me And I was like fuck keep it in the movie fine fine. We'll play it like a joke. Yeah Kirk. We'll play it like a joke She's sobbing in man And then we of course we get to we have to bring uncle bend back into the story so he can babysit the kids will they go on their date

because we just can't get enough for bend bro right and their version of a date could not work clearly be a cheesecake factory oh yes i think they use a word like rositos but just a cheesecake fact also the waiter there i feel really bad for this poor guy. Mom's been there for a while before Dad shows up and then Dad shows up and he's like, you know, would you guys like to hear about this? Especially, he's like, no, he's like, well then why are you sitting at a goddamn fucking

table in a restaurant, asshat? Yes, as a former server, I would like to formally invite everyone who's there to have a very serious conversation at a restaurant to go fuck yourself Don't take up my table. There are park benches all over the world for you to sit on and break up with your 19 year old girlfriend Not my goddamn table. You're gonna sit there and drink water while she cries. I will stab you to death sir I'm working on a script. I'm gonna tell you about the tuna tartar and then I'm gonna walk away Also, I love Kirk. He's like what can I get you? He's like something dark and bitter I'm gonna tell you about the tuna tartar and then I'm gonna walk away Also, I love Kirk. He's like, what can I get you? He's like something dark and bitter. I wanted him to bring Spike Lee

I wanted to bring a gun style and that sounded good Also apparently this this restaurant has a no cigarette behind your ear policy Yeah, he goes sir. There's no smoking in here. And he's like I'm not smoking it. Okay Well, but then the guy likes it. Yeah, but it's behind your ear and that's kind of like, I started to wonder. Does Kirk think that's what smoking is? He's just not know who you put him in your mouth. I'm not going to light it behind my ear. Yeah, you shouldn't.

It'll catch you on fire. I know. I know. Is dead. I think my face looks like dead. I died of side of the ear cancer. Yeah The roughest kind Also, and you can tell how sexy this relationship is mom brought the rules for the little league Team to their date so that she can tell dad that she thinks coach should play him more parents

Shouldn't be allowed within a thousand feet of a little league field. They shouldn't be allowed to do anything about it. They shouldn't be allowed to talk to coach nothing. They should not be involved. Yeah, and... Or their children, that's how my family felt. There you go, you're like, you know, you can have all the mashed potatoes

you wanted, old country buffet, deal. Here you go. Here's some books no one will read until they get popular in 2013. They're gonna make a TV show. You'll hate it. My gosh they left out a third of feast of crows. Nobody cares. I know. If only there were these message boards online where I could complain and about people agree with me uh... and and during this whole conversation so

so curk has to break the news to mom that the evil government's gonna come come and take their business she's busy bitching about the uh... the coach not playing the son enough and this whole time the four poor fucking waiter is just like you guys want to order food now because lots of realistic I'm bringing you months right you like those don't you yeah like string cheese for grownups I get you too some ranch dressing you don't strike me as the ordering entrees type we burned to a steak brought some ketchup along with it So yeah the so he says honey honey put away the baseball rules I have something important to tell you I've ruined everything and mom's first question is

What's her name? Yeah, and you know the first nine takes were what's his name? What's his name? What's his name? Honey, we're not actually having this conversation. It's just for the movie. I just want to know his name. We'll talk about it after. What's Leonardo? It's Jesus. So yeah, so like mom, so mom decides to give him this. It's just money speech and it was just great. And all whatever

but she was literally just losing her shit over whether her kid was getting enough time on the mound like like she's going like the coaches are playing honey this is just losing a business that's not a big deal you know and and he just got lit up for the tying runs the last time you win in on a with the yeah right like why the fuck would you and yeah anyway so of course i wrote in my notes there's's still 50 God damn Yeah, and he writes he's she comforts him and he says I wish there were words to tell you how much I love you

You you're like rain after days of heat you smell like a parking lot. He literally says you smell like a parking lot Also, there's a fucking word for that it's called petrocore ignorant fuckers are awesome word and that's exactly what it means yeah yeah so he tells her the breasts are like pillows and asked to have him fluffer pillows and then they leave the restaurant without ordering oh but first he does a magic trick for the server where he puts the cigarette behind the server's ear. And the server's like, oh, you rap scallions. Meanwhile, I would have been like, oh, could you come back so I can spit in something,

your mouth, your hands. Just open your hands real quick. I was gonna spit in something anyways, but now that you're not gonna eat food, I can serve you. I just need to make this a little bit more direct. Do not touch my ears. So unbelievably creepy, we're adults. Yeah, right.

Yeah, side note, I once had a woman put a tip for me when I was bartending in her teeth, and I took my phone out and just took her picture. So that's the level of punishment. The only punishment I could think of that's worse for leaving the restaurant is Kirk Cameron's career. So it can be a place out. So they get so they get home and apparently while they were gone on the date Uncle Ben had taken a bitchy son kid over to his buddies house so he could congratulate him for winning the game and stop being a mopey little

whiny bitch about it. Right. And then the and and dad's like, well I'm gonna call your coach and make him play you more, which code is to which code he says the right thing. He's like, Dad, don't talk to that. Please. Sure. You don't want me to bother the grown up who's in charge of your children's baseball team and make it, make it really hard for everyone because it's popularity contest and not just fun sports for kids. I'll do that. You sure you don't want dad to do that. And, and, and Cody's answer isn't no dad because you'd just be being a prick. He's like, no, I already went to the coach's house and talked to him. And they're like, oh, you went to a single adult male's house without our knowledge.

We're so proud of you. Is he the schizophrenic one who sings about how he's a private to himself? Sure is. Yes, that's the guy. Does he need to be calmed by his daughter with house music? Oh, I brought a good technical. I brought some technical. Was he wearing an apron and rubber gloves

as though he was disposing of a body when you came in? Yes, yes, exactly. That's exactly what he was doing. Was he looking at the missing pieces of a plate? So then they go in to have ice cream sundaes because that's the only thing this family eats apparently is pizza and sundaes. I wrote, these people eat ice cream sundays because that's the only thing this family eats apparently is pizza and sundays. I wrote these people eat ice cream three meals a day.

Alright. I think there's five times in this movie where they go for ice cream. I wanted a flash cut at the end where we see the real family and it's just those fat actors from the end of miracles. Also compliment sandwich. This movie's pretty bad but I did get to pause the movie on the scene where the daughter has a mouthful of whipped cream. So, you know, Eli won movies. I didn't think I was going to use it that way. Did you hurt? He's blocked me on Twitter so long ago, but I sent him the pictures.

I've heard of you. My music note here here by the way was those two of cowboys are gonna go ahead and fuck aren't they yeah but now it's time for parking slash baseball montage number eight hundred yeah this this fucking movie just this it's it's a baseball montage that started an hour and ten minutes earlier and it's still going and my music note for this montages this christian rock band what does that

breath movie when their mom left the bus quick guys quick get it card street also dads wearing a suit at this point and we've already been told a number of times how much dad hates wearing a suit mm-hmm so he drops the the daughter in the sun off uh... so that he can go to city hall now apparently him and his brother have this plan to go to city hall and talk to some people about the evil plan

of the eagle obvious but the way they're gonna do that is just like sit in the waiting room and follow people who are all around when they try to go to the bathroom waiting room and follow people around when they try to go to the bathroom. Excuse me, sir? Sir? Yeah, that's not how city's all works. All the people have offices and shit. Don't you own a scrapyard, sir? Sir?

You can't help but notice you're peeing, nice and penis. Can you make poisons legal? You personally? you personally uh... so after their failed day of go into the office they're out in the parking lot and Kirk Cameron has removed his shoes and socks well that was so that bendbrow

could work some of his comic genius yes i'm really solid comedy does a physical object exist in the universe that uncle Ben can't make funny If it does it is not a napkin or Kirk Cameron's Slate it Yeah, yeah, foot humor it was gold and then they start talking about dad and apparently okay So they needed them to reminisce about something that dad did and what they came up with was apparently Back in the day dad had a Satan themed ice cream truck. Yeah, yeah, that blue fire. I don't blame throwers. Yeah

It's a mad Max themed Witness me Didn't work out super well. He kept throwing those spiked exploding things at other ice cream trucks We don't talk about it. That's how dad died explain so much Furiosa exploded dad But they also said you know, and this is also where like the the the brothers like hey, you know that old Mustang and dad Do you still have that and he's like no?

I crossed it because I was being petulant and he's like, or did you? Oh, turns out that Raoul thought better of it and didn't crush this perfectly good Mustang with his dad's old picture photo with it. Yeah, exactly. By the way, somehow the shot of like the, the grappler crane, that crush on the car, it looks like a bad CGI shot, but it's just a real shot real shot it's just a normal I don't know how you would do that like it's a normal shot all of a sudden looks like shark nato graphics and then it's back to people talking this movie had an amazing way of taking like

things that actually happen and making them look like you couldn't actually capture that on camera yeah and then we see council woman Sadie Ryan oh my god and this was somebody's ma yes holy shit this was a kickstarter goal that someone hit oh yeah right she could not be less comfortable on camera she like walks to her acts and then she yeah she walked too far and then she had to like walk back again and phenomenal. If you watch these movies with us, I do not recommend it, but it is seen. She overdue her mark and then she said, oh wait, hello, Mr. Cameron, sorry, Smith.

Miller, whatever it was. But we learn very quickly that sati is on their side you know she also thinks that toxic waste should be a legal or legal rather uh... to to juggle uh... so the the she promises that she can get them five minutes at the city council meeting tomorrow and i'm thinking the public city council meeting where anyone who shows up gets to speak you guys know how these work at all? No? Apparently not. Yeah. And then we cut to the end of the baseball game where the coaches trying to form words,

but that tumor's just getting in the way. He's really getting in the way. These are just words, he's saying. I mean, they sound kind of like sentences, but they're definitely not. Like, he's talking like he knows what the nouns are, but the verbs are just noises. They're just noises and he's just basically now with gold. Now we pray for candy. Wait, other movie sucks. Where is your Jesus now? I wrote in my notes. I feel like each day ended with Kirk gathering everyone around to say, guys, this is such a great time.

And everybody had to pretend to agree. Yeah, I mean, get a paycheck. Can we go home? Can we go have a slice of pizza? Who wants to go out? Who wants to hang out? I mean, I've got the evening freight. Oh, we'd love to, but I've got to go to the paint when like

microphone the air between us so that that so that we get that we come get home and dad's talking to his uh... to his son you know he's like yet that how to go to the house of the well you know i i had to wear a suit i hate wearing a suit you know i could like a. Like a full grown man child would hate wearing a suit. And then Candice Cameron, of course, comes out with her trying to look fuckable in that sweater

and it's not working sweater. That's it. Chelsea Cameron, yeah. Oh, whatever, name it. Who cares? Yeah. Well, Candice, Candice was a little too a list for this whole VHS. Oh, that's DJ. Yeah, Well, Candice Candice was a little too a list for this.

Oh, that is DJ right. Yeah, that's DJ is now currently crushing her career on Netflix. So the new for house is. Hold up. Chelsea Cameron. Yeah. New Fuller House kicks ass. Good stuff. Oh, great movie. I wonder what the rug rats are doing. Can we get a rebuild? I want to see Chuckie's bad relationship with his ex life. You're all staying in front of the kids.

So, yeah, so now we get to waking up and making breakfast. This movie is 92% montage. And also like 92% sun because again, they're filming the set. Like now I'm watching this through holes in a shoe box. This is ridiculous I will say though these people eat very well and the most enjoyable part of this movie was watching them make and the food they were having we get a nice american obesity montage that was cool starring flower heavy cream and bacon yes that's the bear back contest.

My music note by the way is a Casio keyboard is getting raped. This was the single worst piece of music that we've ever heard in a Christian movie. The music that was playing over this fucking breakfast montage is seared into my goddamn I was like digging shit out of my ears hoping that that was critical to the hearing process. Oh god it was so bad. And now we get the worst possible give one for the Gipper speech. Oh my god. Humanly possible. This is like someone cut up all the sports and my dad is dead speeches from all the movies and just like Through them at a board covered in glue and we're like go Kirk reason

And Kirk clearly thought this was gonna be the one that got him the Oscar Yeah, it basically he starts off giving the Al Capone speech from from the Untouchables and I'm like Oh my god, he's gonna beat Cody to death with a bat That would be so awesome. But no, instead he just says random shit. One of the things he says, by the way, he says, the strength of some other boy's arm, that's for Providence to sort out to which I wrote,

the Eli Bosnick story. I wrote that too. I wrote that too. Although he did say Providence there so technically a Jesus movie that counts. Oh yeah. It's just a major thing. We got all these. We nailed it. Yeah.

And he also throws in the world's absolute worst swing batter, batter, batter thing that ever, ever, ever, ever happened. Like someone vomited in the background glass shatter that better better better better he says you've got eyes to see so see you've got whole hands to hold that bat so swing and as bad as that as it gets worse he says you

have legs so use them like you just got them now would it that would be let's like a baby a baby just got like well you know legs like a tiny little baby running around bass is very good sell emerging from the womb I like to say he stole that right from my erotic by the way use your legs like you just got no more specifically use your legs like a tiny little baby yeah right right yeah exactly my amputee porn as well so and then as though with things weren't melodramatic enough,

we get the introduction to the baseball game that's about to happen. Now, when you say introduction, do you mean like norm and derelated introduction, norm and derelated introduction? Yes. Yes. Uh huh. There's a new place because people we learned that little league is just like D day and the people who died at D day did so because they were cowards who froze up Yeah Yeah, literally we get a black screen and the kid goes the narrator kid goes Omaha Beach June 6th

1944 I'm like, yeah, that's more interesting than this movie. Let's let's switch to the day great We switch it over also I wrote I wrote music note, combine baseball and Nazis as best you can. It's bad as you like, Honest Wagner. My music note was simply, what does this button do? So yeah, so okay, now I should point out this is gonna be the big game, quote unquote. This is not a playoff game.

They haven't set this game up since the beginning or anything, but this is the last game, so it's a really big game. Quote unquote, this is not a playoff game. They haven't set this game up since the beginning or anything, but this is the last game. So it's a really big deal. They're going up against the first place team. They're in second place. Whatever. Um, so we get a little them getting their asses kicked montage in which the coach does the whole. The psiracrically singing into himself. Yeah, loses is my eats a handful of sunflower seeds without shelling them like a monster beast Just puts like a husks in his face like a fucking like animal like I need dogs Gittles. Yeah, yeah, and once again, we can't be on one scene So we have to also cut between that and the meeting at city hall slash jet-eye council where Kirk is supposed to be but he can't go because his son's playing

baseball. Right. So Benbro has to you know hang out there for him I guess. And sorry this is a small thing but during the baseball part of this little cut back and forth they have a run down between second and third base and that's bullshit You make the play at second base not third that's everybody knows that idiots It's also very important. There's a moment of chug it's hitting the head with a baseball that no one acknowledges Yeah, no, it's just that's how one of the scenes ends and then we just ignore that from that point on Yeah, like are you okay if that happens to you? I was I've never been near a sports field But I imagine that would be a setting

that they would stop and people would address it. But they just move on like it's him striking out. It hit him right in the helmet, so he probably was fine, honestly, but yeah. Yeah, I mean, years and years from now he won't be able to speak correctly. He won't remember his kids names, but whatever. For right now, he'll be just for. That's what sports are for. The important thing is that he gets to advance a base.

Right. Half the population does Sud doku puzzles the other half rules out their grandchildren's names i get it yeah and now uh... now the montages heating up the crosscut montage and uh... new music note jimmy hendrix is robbing the vault at the ballad you know still with his guitar walking out with george cluny screened out some really bizarre shit going on with the music in this movie and

Then we get Cody stealing second and third and he's gonna be the Ray guy, oh such a scrappy little player. I mean, I love this guy's story now He's he legs out an infield single. He steals second steals third unbelievable. Yeah, unbelievable Any then he tags up and scores on a sack fly. Yeah, so excited. But now I need to talk about something, because I need to know if this is real or if I had a hallucination.

Everyone yells rally caps, and then they turn their baseball caps to the side, I can't describe it. They do the shark. They do the shark. Yeah, like a shark on their head. Is that a normal thing? Do people do that? Yes. I'll sign down the shark. Yeah, yeah. Like a shark on their head. Is that a normal thing? Do people do that?

Yes. Yeah. I'm missing out. Absolutely. I had no idea what the fuck you should know from the outside is one of you. I was just like everyone went insane because the coach turns his cap inside out, puts it on his head like a shark fin, and then the entire audience just puts their hands on top of their head like they're praying to make their own shark fin and I was like,

oh, they're going to eat one of the kids to some and Guru Nga. Is this a part of every baseball hint? Yes. I got to get ESPN. I'm a cold time Warner cable back. That's the fifth inning stretch. Yes. Yes.

Uh, um, and also, and this is pretty bizarre. Okay. We didn't really mention this guy, but the cameraman from the beginning that was filming evil Jew suit guy As they're walking out like you get the impression or you get a little hint of the fact that maybe evil can't or Camera man guy isn't quite as evil as evil suit guy And the reason I bring this up is because now we see evil suit guy's cameraman Stalking behind the bleachers at a little glee game now the only reason that you do that is because you're trying to

look up skirts yeah that's what EPA henchmen are always doing that's standard yeah I wrote he's gonna assassinate Kurt Cameron for that sweet sweet scrapyard money yeah yeah and yeah pretty bizarre, but then we you know some kid we never Matt in the movie hits a home run Because you know good I wrote someone hit a home run. Is that Cody? They all look the same. We need some minorities Well, there was one Asian kid on the baseball team that was the The closest we got to diversity in this movie and by the way the music switched again Now it's an all black drum line at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Yeah, I wrote music note. We've kidnapped Hans Zimmer

I wrote the lady penguins have returned with fish so Okay, so now we got the big Triple play on the clothes here. Okay, so first of all, it fucked you. I triple play bullshit. But secondly, they slow it down so much that even if you understand baseball, it's impossible to follow what's going on here. Oh, I know I was going on. It looked like they were just playing catch. Let me explain it as best I can. So it's a it's a line drive. Cody's playing first base. Cody dives and catches the ball at near first base, near the base, near the

side, near the foul line. And so that's what the first out. There was zero out sneering. And there was a man on second and third. That's the first out. Now he throws to second to get a double play on the guy who went off second too much on the line drive. But one of my problems with his, the shortstop should be covering second here on this play because it's a play to the right side. And actually being a left handed shortstop would have actually helped in this one instant because it would have been easier to throw home at this point. But now the shortstop's a righty.

They could have saved it, but they fucked it up. Anyway, so then after they get the out at second base That's two outs. That's a double play now the guy who was on third tagged up after the line drive catch And he's allowed once he touches third to go back home to run for home And so he runs home and now they have to make a play at home to get the third out But they fucking steal the clearly steal the thing from Derek Geter He runs you you know, from playing first base to cover for the catcher who's out of position and he runs home

and he makes tag on the guy. It's absolutely ridiculous. There is no such thing as a three, four, three triple play that ends at home plate. Fuck you. Absolutely not. Also, that wouldn't even be a triple play because they don't feel fly rule. No one feel fly rule when there's a second and third. Okay. All I want to say is that we now are obligated to watch a Christian movie about Dungeons and Dragons or Magic the Gathering tournaments so that you can sit on the other end of the microphone while I'm like, you cannot play a charge card when you have six men and

a trap card in the hole. That's not the uh... yes i think also by the way as this is going on current camera leaps out of the bleachers from six rows back to cling to the fence

like like like something shut the fence. Although Steve Austin would have done it in faster motion, I do believe. Yes. But yeah, and I wrote at this point, like I was promised Jesus and faith and shit. Fuck this movie. Right, so they win and we watch the other coach

of the other team go out, push over one child and then hold another child, the pitcher, who I think is supposed to be very intimidating in his arms And I wrote in my notes I want the other coach in this child to start kissing and for the music to cut out for everyone to get real quiet And of course sister just can't believe what she just saw. She's obviously flicking her being to it. She has such post sex hair when we shoot to her. She has such post sex hair. I think that's the only time in the movie we see her without her hair braided as well. And the cameraman, the evil cameraman guy that was stalking behind comes up to tell Kirk to keep fighting the good garbage game fight or whatever.

Right. And Kirk Cameron's like, hey coach, I'd like to bring these children to a city hall meeting. If you guys come, I'll buy you pizza. And everybody says yes. And then he says and ice cream. So he already said yes and soda pizza ice cream soda flour heavy cream and bacon Those are the foods they mentioned in this movie so they all start chasing and I wrote my notes Not the first time Kirk Cameron has been chased by a little league team. It is the first time he's done it clothed however Also not the first time he's done it on camera, but and then of course during this time It's already time for Kirk to come up and speak, but he's not there yet So Ben bro has to vamp and I wrote oh this is gonna be fantastic He has a musket

This is okay, so apparently we're just getting random snippets of it stand up act And it is so Very bad it is not good. It is not good. Oh my god, yeah. Not good. It is your uncle gets drunk and wants to try out his comedy on you bad. You're really against that, right? He's got pumpkins.

You do radio? I got a joke for you. How come a Mexican shine of vagina? Donald Trump's gonna make America great again. What do you think? Can I be on your show? Come on! Don't be a dick. Every friend of Lucentus. And then, okay, so then we get Kirk showing up at the meeting. And I don't even know how to get through this shit. So he says, he's, okay, so in the universe of this movie,

what's happening is the government is redefining hazardous waste to include paper products. So then he argues, and plastic, then he argues for the remainder of this movie that paper and plastic bottles aren't hazardous waste which you're not and we all agree on i did research this um any scrapping plant especially where you're processing processing plastic only a hazardous waste because you melt them down. Right. So the conceit of this movie is entirely broken. The whole like, oh, oh no, it's a

plastic bottle. It's gonna get me seen that we're about to see. Doesn't make sense because he's forgetting that you burn all of them and the fumes go everywhere including into the water and the soil surrounding your plant. So as crazy as the insane straw man they've built for this movie is it's actually wrong well it isn't because they don't melt the plastic down on site they send it elsewhere they just they are able a whole bunch of environmental damage right right exactly yeah but the message of this movie is very clearly who are you to tell me how to deal with my hazardous waste because Jesus was a libertarian apparently He even says the words in his little speech that this is theft by regulation

Fought this Move his his speech includes calling all the people he's trying to convince a swollen little city spider No better way to convince a like a town council than calling them a bunch of swollen little city spiders says and win friends and influence people right and sold the fuck out of the people who you want shit from yeah yeah um and it's in it's the least substantive speech in history now this is this is how overly dramatic it gets the guy goes to drink from his water bottle and oh god don't touch that don't touch that it's hazardous waste and he runs up and he's got a glove on and he's got a mask on and he's like I'll have to handle that for you

and you can tell that he's done great with his hazardous waste should be mine to do with juggle with as I please because the crowd that he brought and brimed clearly agrees with him yeah I just wrote poor water on the table. Do a different courtroom movie trope. Saw your brother in half. More props, more props. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, and then, of course, the councilwoman

who they met before says, Mr. Miller, I believe you can go ahead and drop the microphone. Yes. And he drops the mic in slow motion, and I begged for death. I begged for death. Ironics, since there are no black people in this movie that he dropped the microphone, but I begged for death. By the way, it looks like he had so much trouble dropping the mic. Yeah, probably like it took like five or six takes at least like he's looking down like it might told last three times So just I just opened my hand and let it all the fingers stick each time it's gripping

Shake it off his head. I don't want to tell you why it's so sticky my music note here was so I can just drag this track in anywhere then We add like a steel guitar I can just drag this track in anywhere then, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Commentary thing, but this is her commentary here. We see Cody and his native habitat shorts short But not short enough. That's what that is exactly what she says I had to go back and make sure yes Soon he'll go find a mate and then she looks at him like it's me by the way He's like I don't want to fuck you and she's like you're gonna fuck me It's Crazy there's no, I mean I don't see how else you take that. This is dog

tooth level incest. She's commentating the whole time, color, play by the way, I want to be a girl that does that, who's maybe not my sister, but who does that? Yeah. Or your sister, don't be close. I don't have a sister. So, and then of course, Ben Bro shows up in Dad's car that never got scrapped. And also he brings a puppy for the sister because apparently they felt like she needed some kind of denumon, this movie or something.

This is a great idea. Giving puppies to people with kids is a fantastic social hand grenade I Just start doing that I like to bring them to dinner parties when people invite me over for the first time I'm just like hey got you something brand new puppies real sick. He requires medicine every four hours Or he just Get real close to the host of the space

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to the specials not order anything and they give him a puppy and leave a lot of it to the table and the last line of this movie is the kid goes pops used to say go fuck yourself you know what that one meant what it said I just I just wrote this is the last line of the movie the end now did you guys did you guys stick around through the post credit scenes though sure didn't sure it's not okay yes, I took one for the team here. So after the credit start, then we cut in with a scene of the cameraman guy, like somebody's looking over all of his videotapes, and he looks up and he says,

and you'll testify to that in court. Okay. So now we're supposed to see that, like the cameraman guy found a conscience. And the guy who says, and you'll testify in court Kurt Cameron's dad Ah Spurkel can document everything that

In Kurt Cameron's career turns out it was not right comfort our theory has been thwarted and then there's also a scene Later put within the credits where the evil suit guy is wearing his little girly robe with his little girly cup of coffee and gets arrested for the stuff with the thing. Right. And then what you get for trying to regulate the has a waste. Yeah. And then after the credits are all over, the movie has like the extra 48 minutes of footage of the

coach right through the fence singing to himself and saying weird shit. Like I, I, I, I, I shit you not like there's like a 45 second bit about him talking about how rough his morning shit was because I like to licorice the night before. That's actually how this movie ends. There's like 45 solid seconds of him talking about how you can't eat licorice and beans in the same night It was the best part of the movie now As I noted at the outset this marks the last Kurt Cameron movie on our list and I'll be damned if I want to see such a good thing Come to an end. I'm thinking that we've we've already seen him take on hazardous waste disposal regulation Christians who think Christmas is too peg and and up any women who think their husbands should ask permission before hitting them.

So do you guys have any thoughts on which villain you'd like to see Kirk Tackle in his next movie? Ooh, how about the penguins from the penguins of Madagascar? You can fuck them up. Yeah, maybe Obama. Well, that's, this was like a proxie. he could fuck them up yeah maybe Obama ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha as you give this movie, I want to ask you this, what is the least responsible thing that you would do with Hazardous Waste rather than watch this movie again? All right, I would put a Coke bottle inside of me, but to answer your question, I will be watching this movie again, so I'm going to continue being responsible with Hazardous Waste.

I very much watching this movie again, so I'm gonna continue being responsible with hazardous waste. I very much enjoyed this movie. Let's see, I would use a barrel from Chernobyl to try to get the meatball out. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Sorry, man, that meatball is staying at this point. Yeah, you push it up there, it's okay.

Every time it gets pushed higher, yeah. It's easier if you put it in the Coke bottle, it slides right up there. Pfft. And while that does it for our review of Mercy Rule, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to make next week worth looking forward to. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. God's not dead. To be doing. Wee! Wee! Wee! Do you have a little God's not dead to advent calendar at your apartment?

Sure do and it's filled with meatball! Ha ha ha ha ha! I have been waiting for this movie since before God's not dead. One came out. not dead one came out. Hahaha. Oh, this truly has, I mean, like, so much of the, like, planning for this show and everything was like, we got to have something big going on by the time that's not 10 to comes up. So yes, and by the way, it is their decision.

We didn't make them open this movie on April Fool's Day, but they're going to. Oh, and I will be at the premiere. I will be, I have my tickets. I, because I got sold out for God's Not Dead One, but not this one. The moment they went on sale, I'm bought it. I'm going to be in a full theater for the Christians watching God's Not Dead Two. I can't wait. I cannot wait to see what they want me to text everyone in by the end So that Melissa Joan Hart is still looking pretty good. I just got Jesus Clarissa did not explain it all about not eating carbs after midnight, Jesus

There's no chin there at all. It's just lips all the way down to cleavage and so fucked up lips down to lips So with that to look forward to will we'll bring episode 32 to one, Merciful Close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can link a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful, and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star

review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist and the scepticrat available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission if you like what you hear more by

following the link on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right Neelai Bosnik I'm No Illusions Promise in a War card to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Don't you forget about me. Cody grew up to become a great baseball player and a better person. This was a great movie. What's not.

Hasard is waste lived happily ever after was too. The coach was eventually convicted of the brutal green river killings. No! No! No! Living a great twist. I am a pirate.

What was he doing? Like Pirates of Penzance? Who's crazy? Who's crazy? No, people punched him in the head for 12 years And he was like I think Jesus came up the other side They were like sure did boss lerman or whatever the fuck Let's put you in a wig and have you kick round a rousey in the face