God Awful Movies - 323: Bless the Child

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

This week, Cara joins the guys for an atheist review of Bless the Child, the story of how in 2001 it was apparently okay to still use "autism as Satan powers" in your movie. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And then buddy cop to Jimmy Smith comes over and he's like I get it You're looking for that lady's kid because you want a fucker and Jimmy Smith is like what and he's I'm a police officer Why else would you try to find a lady's lost kid? You're so right. Have you never fucked a lady whose kid? You found they are. Oh, it's so great. It's a great night.

Let me tell you. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. movie Welcome back to the game cast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because it makes regular Movies good even if they suck. I'm your host Noah Luzzins. He's gonna be unable to join us today He's busy moving his three possessions, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Fantastic. No, it's been more than a month of torturing Cara Santa Maria and I've come back and style. There you go. Yeah, no, right, right. Yes. It's been longer since we've seen her than since the audience has. And of course, as we've just teased also joining us today is somehow still returning guest massacres to talk nerdy fame. Karen Santa Maria, Karen, welcome back. Yeah. Yeah.

I missed your dejected sigh. So tell us, Karen, what will we be breaking down today? Okay. So this is the story of a little girl who is chosen or, I don't know, maybe she's Jesus or the ringleader of a monkey bat slash rat or me on the details.

But yeah, anyway, this movie is called Blessed the Child. It's on HBO because they probably got it as one of those like freebie package deals with Dune, like when they put the shitty YouTube songs on your new iPod and you couldn't take them off. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah. That's why. Yeah.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the Satanic panic, but it was all too reasonable and evidence-based for your taste, you will love Bless the Child. It's law in order. I think it's you. Yeah. So our one week tagular here is a movie that managed to get the coveted 3% on rotten tomatoes, which is a great reminder you can completely ignore at least 3% of movie reviewers.

Because they're not averaging, it's not like they got an average of 0.15. Stars that means three out of every 100 reviewers were like, yeah, no, they nailed it. I like that. More spinning. I can't get enough spinning. All right, so was anything you guys would have nominated this one for being the best to be in the worst at? Yeah, so I nominated this for being the best worst cop because it's like this was Jimmy Smith's audition tape for NYPD Blue and they felt so bad for him that they gave him the

job anyway. Literally he's like constantly one step behind and his most reliable detective tool is his Bible. He doesn't that kind of movie. So we've already alluded to mine. I was gonna go with best worst superpower. The little girl in this movie, she has pyrocanesis which is useful, she doesn't find any uses for it,

but her other main power that we really focus on is the power of spinning. Yup. Right, or she has telekinesis that she only uses it for spinning. Either way, second-lay Missed Avenger after Hawkeye, okay? Yup, yup. I was gonna go with best worse, Dayzex Machina.

So it doesn't happen till the very end, but by the time God shows up to lend a hand against this satanic cult, he's not the guy who wants to fight you in a dandy's parking lot. He's not the guy holding back the guy who wants to fight you in a dandy's parking lot. He's the guy standing menacingly behind the guy holding back the bus to fight you in the dandy's parking lot. Yeah, he really half asses his contribution at the end, right?

And it's like waking up that day and realizing it's due of miracles. Okay. Oh, was that death? What they needed that miracle? It was the day before Easter. But... Group project of miracles.

God sitting in the back, whatever my parents are getting divorced right now. Okay. Okay, God sitting in the back, whatever my parents are getting divorced right now. Okay. Okay, God All right, well, we're gonna have to work hard to make Christian movie work here So we're gonna take a minute to stretch But we'll be back in a flash with the string of overripe tropes that is blessed the child Kara, Jesus Eli, what are you doing in my closet? Not important. Hey, I'm in feeling a little like,

eh, lately, and I don't know if you're allowed to, but can you tell me the special famous person exercise you do to get like, you know, ripped? Is it hot Pilates? I feel like it might be hot Pilates. Blink if it's hot Pilates. Eli, there's no secret to fitness, but if you want to feel stronger and healthier,

why not try Fitbot? What's Fitbot? Fitbot's an app that creates a fitness program that continually adapts with new exercises and dynamic intensity that adjusts to how you're progressing. So you'll be challenged to meet your goals at your own pace. Hmm, that sounds good, but is it like super hard? Do I have to do gruppies?

I don't wanna do any gruppies. Okay, so they're called burpees, and that's the great thing about FitBod. FitBod creates a fitness program that continually adapts to you. So you stay challenged with new exercises, pacing and intensity based on where you are and where you want to be. Plus the apps filled with body positive language about fitness and health instead of losing weight or getting ripped.

Woo. Okay, that does sound good, but is it super expensive? Nobody's bought any of your hats that I put on eBay yet. Nobody's done what now? Never mind. How much does it cost the FitBod app? The app. FitBod's only $9.99 a month or $59.99 a year, but if you sign up now, you'll get 25% off your membership. Okay, Cara. I'm convinced. Where do I sign up? Pick up the pace on your fitness journey with FitBod today and your future self will thank you get 25% off your membership at fitbot.me slash gam. That's 25% off at fitbot.me slash g a m nice.

All right. See you later, Kara. Yeah. Okay. See you later. Hello. Come here. Yeah.

He knows about the hot Pilates. No, no, no, no, it's okay. I'll handle this myself. Kara. Hey, movie studio writer, guys. We are so glad to have you back. Yeah, we could really use your help with this one. Yeah, well, someone took a bunch of credit cards out in my name and bought a race car bed for a Christian YouTuber. So I'm here.

I'm going to help. Okay, so we're going on this paranormal thriller called Less the Child. Yeah, it's about a little girl with angel powers who gets kidnapped by a satanic cult. That sounds really bad. Oh, it is. But see, in the movie, the little girl has autism, and we want to make sure that we're being properly sensitive about that. Yeah.

I mean, you could just not use people on the autism spectrum as props for special skills or powers of movies. Oh, not that sensitive. We don't want to be that sensitive. Sure. Fine. Okay, let me hear it. Okay.

So this is the scene where Cody meets her mom for the first time. Greg, you want to read this with me? Yeah, sure. I'll be Cody. Okay. Hi, Cody. I'm your mom. Doo, no like mommy, duh. And see.

So what do you think? What'd you think of that? Um, wow, that was really offensive and terrible. Because there weren't enough does, right? I'm gonna go. There's gotta be a better way to earn money than this. I told you we needed more dust. Yeah, I said correct it, but it more dust. I will put it more dust.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with an opening that wouldn't be more generic if it was just a white screen that said horror movie credits written in like block letters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, it's just, it's like the font is cheesy. The music is cheesy. The we're panning over a statue and can't quite tell what it is. It's cheesy. I like that sometimes horror movie music accidentally slips into Klesmer because they just know minor key is scary. I wrote my notes. A ghost fiddler on the moon. Sounds crazy. No. Yeah. So we're panning over this stage. Right as I'm like, okay, is this Han frozen in carbonite? They eventually back off enough for

us to see that it's a gargoyle. Yeah, my note. I wrote down, can I pay extra on many vids to see the statues face? What's happening? Do you notice that in the font that they picked all of the little tees were crosses? Right. Yeah. Oh, just, yeah, Jesus. Yeah, they really got their goddamn money. It's worth out of creepy statute knuckles, though.

We watched that for about three minutes. And then we get the New York City skyline. Now I should point out this movie. It takes place in New York City, but it was in Ontario I guess or it was not filmed in New York City in a way that's gonna bother Anyone who lived in New York for a day amount of time throughout the whole goddamn movie that makes sense now something felt very Off to me They will constantly show you like a New York City icon of them There'll be like a six-mile-long park that is not central

there'll be like a six mile long park that is not central. Right. Or some like Canadian only drugstore chain in the back rounder. So yeah. So they didn't try very hard. But anyway, so we catch up with Kim basing around them on a bus. And some ladies like, Hey, did you hear about that miraculous star that's going to be central to the plot eventually? Right. So this is clearly the first indication that we are not in New York because I have never had such a friendly, overly familiar conversation on a New York city bus. No.

I have, but those are always with people who like to just clearly were pushed out of a hospital because they ran out of money. Right. Exactly. They've got an IV trailing behind them. Hey man, did you enjoy, dude? By the way, unlike Kim Basinger later, when she's in the freaky guys,

when so I be. Oh my god, we're gonna do the whole basinger basinger thing with like the gift, Jeff thing, aren't we? Oh, is it Basinger? I don't know. It's Basinger. But yeah.

It's also Giff, but who the hell is it? Are you sure it's Basinger? Yeah, I'm also sure it's Giff, but you know, I guess it's not that everybody's interpretation. Then I question your veracity. I always thought it was bassinger. I'm gonna go with bassinger throughout, just to fail.

No, that's right, it's bassinger. I'm just gonna call it KimmyB. If you go to the website. KimmyB we can work with. So we could also use our characters name, but I honestly don't even fucking remember it. I just have no idea. No, it's something like murm, or like, meh, or murm.

Well, the kid calls her mem, yeah. Yeah, I wasn't sure what was happening with that. Her name is Kim, maybe that's, I don't know, yeah. But the lady's like, yeah, there's a miraculous Christmas star and it's Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, and Kim, so she's like, you're full of shit, but I'm saying this politely. Yeah, that is what happened. But I will say it is a universally New York experience for someone to be like, hey're full of shit, but I'm saying this politely. Right. That is what happened.

But I will say it is a universally New York experience for someone to be like, hey, quick small talk and you're like, oh, yeah, quick small talk. And then they're like, Jesus. And you're like, sure. No, that's on me for not responding to what time is it with fuck you? That's on me. I blame myself. I said corrected.

You've been to New York before, yeah, right. So, okay, so then we take a look at the star. We pan down to her apartment. She, I think lives in Eli's old place when he was still in Manhattan. And she gets in there and there's this coughing person in the stairwell who we at first think is just some rando homeless person

but turns out to be her drug-addled sister. Oh, yeah. And I talk about this later in my notes, but the 90s, when all drug addicts were healthy, well-fed, white women with salon haircuts who coughed and wore stockings to indicate their drug use. Yeah.

So, but she's, she's all drugged up and she has a baby now the baby is nine days old. And she's showing up at her sister's apartment who she hasn't seen in years, I guess. And hey, credit to Jenna, she is holding up really well for someone who gave birth nine fucking days ago. Right. Who's doing squat thrusts on the living room floor? Yeah, she weighs about 90 pounds. Right, yeah.

And this is the first kind of clue cue that the baby is off because she literally says to her sister, oh, she doesn't like to be held. What the fuck, nine day old baby doesn't like to be held. Right, and how did you determine that? What did you do to her? Did you have exactly what? Well, she's crying all that she's a fucking baby. She's a weak and a day. Oh, lady.

They don't like much at nine days old or they like everything. It's kind of hard to tell the different. Right. We also milk shame mom right away, which I think is pretty fantastic, right? Your sister shows up. She's a drug addict who gave up who's here to drop off her baby. She gave birth nine days ago and it's like, oh, breast is bad. I know right. She's literally got a needle hanging out of her arm. Right. Not a good idea. So, so they're fighting whatever. She's like, I'm a con. I can't take care of my baby and the sisters like that

Fuck you and then she slaps her and every time I see people slap people movies I've always like does this happen in real life? I've never seen someone slap another person mid-arch human Have you well it would also be a lot more serious if it wasn't a fucking Tom and Jerry slap her. They both spin around like children's tops for four minutes. That's what I just love the exposition as insult that we get in this fight, right? Like where the sisters like, oh, yeah, well, you're in fertile and your husband left you because of that. You know, oh, yeah, it's so bad. Yeah.

So I actually I laid a chip down right there on a miraculous pregnancy by the end for Kim basing her his character and I didn't that it did not pay off. I was shocked. Mm-hmm. So yes, but the sisters like, hey, I've got a I've got to go and a band of my baby with you and Kim's like, no, don't don't leave. Listen to the background music. It's rising strings.

There's an emotional reconciliation happening. She might as well do a what's that over there. Probably a little bit crazy. She says, I'm going to go take a bath and she's picking up her clothes in her bag. And Kimmy B is like, oh, do you need your clothes and bang? She's like, okay, go into the bath. And then her legs do like that wheel shape. And she's wheel her legs do like that wheel shape. That drum roll starts in the back.

But yeah, so she runs away and leaves the baby. So Kim basing her has to be the mom now, right? So can you guys tell me why every Halloween scary movie has to also be a Christmas movie? Like what is this trope? I don't get it. Yeah, it's a weird thing that like at some point in a movie planning process, someone always goes like, this isn't really good. We should add another holiday. We need to add another holiday. Well, so the reason though is because we're going to parallel eventually

this kid with Jesus. So she has to be born around Christmas time, right? Yeah, but why do they keep calling it Easter? Yeah, well, exactly, exactly. Right. Why do we have a Halloween movie that starts in Christmas and ends in Easter? Right. Exactly. That's a great fucking question.

Where the hell is Thanksgiving in this equation? Also, they keep referencing Easter, but if you've noticed, there are no Easter visual cues in the entire film. It's autumn. It's autumn. It's like it's like snowing. It's very clearly autumn and a lot of these shots. They're walking by the park the leaves of change. I'm like that's weird to Easter being there. Because of the Satan magic. Yeah, race. Cause it's in fucking Canada. Right. So, okay.

So, then we get a quick montage of Kim being the surrogate mommy for, and we also get a montage of them learning that she has, so that she's on the spectrum, right? Yeah. Now, Kara, as a person with training in this, this is a great depiction of autistic people, right? Like, this is a really sensitive thoughtful way. Not only is it sensitive, it's totally textbook, especially in the part where they're describing what autism is. Oh my God.

The doctor might as well go, you know, she's like a meh and bang his hand against it. She's like, it's so bad. It's so bad. Do the rolling finger next to his hand or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, but like I wrote my nose, I'm like, oh my God, it's in 2000, we were still doing autistic people have the devil in a movies.

Yeah, clearly. And then Kim is telling the doctor, she's like, well, you know, I don't think she's autistic. She knows love. What? What's so disgusting. This whole conversation is just, it's like they're trying to pick a fight with the autistic person in the audience. Oh, she can give hugs,

and she's never done this. Lidididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididid So bad. And you notice that they made Kimmy be a psychiatric nurse for literally no reason. Yep. Yep. No reason. There's one scene where she psychiatric nurses, very poorly, I might add. Yeah. And it's like, and she clearly knows nothing about psychiatric syndromes. So I just, I'm not sure I understand that plop point. Well, they didn't want to have to look anything up. We'll get to that when we get to our 16th century druids later. Okay, so, but we also reinforce here that Kim is not a big fan of religion, right? Because he's like, hey, I know a great school for kids with special needs. It's a Catholic school. And she's like, I don't really like religion. It's like, that should be the least of your fucking concerns. That's a Catholic school.

That's so amazing. Is that what the movie is going for is you don't have a problem that they're Catholic because you're an atheist, but what I watched was, but they won't fuck her. I know what you think. They're going to fuck her, but they won't. I mean, technically it's the early 2000s, so they are absolutely going, but no, they won't. But also even, even before that, once again,

she is a psychiatric nurse talking to a psychiatrist and he literally says, well, the only place for an autistic kid is that Catholic Special Needs School way out there in Brooklyn, like what? It's New York Bucket City! There's like 63,000 schools in that city. I think it makes no sense.

No sense. And then we have to, I guess this scene is there so that we know that like she prioritizes the kid over her personal life. We get to see where this boyfriend we will never see again is watching duck soup with her. I kind of wanted to stop and watch duck soup to be honest with you. That's a really good scene. Cody's bonking in the other room.

Yeah, that's the thing. We're supposed to think she's this amazing mom, but she's basically, hooking up with her boyfriend while they're watching duck soup. And the girl is like four feet away in the hallway, just hitting her head against the wall. Right. Like maybe if you included your kid more. And the way she gets there to stop is she goes, honey, honey, take a deep breath. And I was like, yeah, that's what kids who are in the middle of the clinch need. A fucking deep breath. Give her a stress ball too. She's stopping on to stick it entirely.

And she's like, no, but she actually, it actually is quite a good intervention for this kid. Okay, yeah, no, it's for his. She does a pretty good job with the kid. The kid's like, you know, clearly gone through this before. But when the guy leaves, it's so fantastic. He's like, hello, I am not leaving forever. You will absolutely see me again for sure.

I'll call you from the phone book. Yeah, for a while. His legs make the little thing. He runs through the same hole that the sister made on Christmas. Yeah. All right, so then we cut to three years later at her special needs school. She's spinning a plate, not like you're thinking, though, it's hard to explain.

It's like, side was like a coin spinning, but she's got a finger on it, like a, like a Harlem glow, upside down. But she has been in the fuck out of that plate, though. This is going to turn out to be magical later. But at first I was just impressed, right? Yeah. This is where Cody won over my heart,

because the nun comes over and she's like, Cody, he's a time for whatever. And Cody's like, fuck off. And she's like, okay. Yes, I will fuck you. It's going to be nice to be not a fucking off. Is she Italian? Is that what was happening?

I couldn't place it. The nuns are alternatingly Hispanic or Italian. They don't just say it's a scene to scene thing. I think they flipped a coin. I thought it was like Eastern European. I wasn't sure what they were going for. It's going to communist accent. That's what we call that. Yeah. Yeah. It was definitely communist accent. Yeah. All right. So, and then we get the scene where this, okay, this guy to me is exactly midway between Kevin Spacey and Jeremy Renner, the bald kidnapper guy. Oh, right.

Okay, you just, yes. So there's a bald kidnapper guy. Yeah, bald kidnapper guy is baldly kidnapping a kid. Trying to. Yeah. He uses too many child kidnapping techniques in two short of time. He's like, hi, Martin, I'm a friend of your father's. I have a puppy.

Help me. I'm in my wish. Like, who is man? Yeah. Would you like some candy? Just one man. I want to get back in the car and his friend is like, you're using all the ones I gave you. Just one of them.

One advantage I have a puppy or I know your father. What was even the point of having a box with a stick under it? He was already in the van. He already had him in the van, man. But he does have an actual puppy as bait that they show. Right. Like they actually rented a puppy for the scene and it was a cute puppy. So I'm pretty sure I would fall for that shit every time.

I'm going to every time. There's the scene we missed is where the satanic cult is like, all right, I'm going to the puppy star. We have a preference for the kind of baked puppy. We're going to need, we'll just still have this dog after Easter. I'm just putting this out. It's not always going to be a little puppy, you know, you have to walk him. You have to walk him. Sam's not going to do that for us, okay? Yeah, but the kid climbs into the van and gets kidnapped. Oh, by the guy with the tattoo, the tattoo is very important because we're only going to see it nine fucking thousand miles on everything. It might as well just be the word clue.

Yeah. It's like my friend, I have a really good friend who has a tattoo on his left leg. And it's like, you know, a little Chinese character. And people always say like, what does it be? And then he's like, it means left leg. He got left leg. Oh, it's fantastic. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. So we cut to Kim and Cody walking home that night. And she sees like, I don't know, Satan's shadows or something and get spooked. Yeah. What was that? Yeah. She gets freaked out by like a pile of New York City garbage and I wrote in my notes, I get it, Cody, but you get used to it.

You're in the city for a few years and you're like, oh, yeah. I think pile of garbage and some rats. And I still have the same reaction every time. And then there's, and then there is their rats. And the mom legit says, or the mom that's confusing. Kimmy B. Kimmy B says, it's just little mice like mini mouse. Yeah, that's great parenting. Yeah, right.

No, don't worry about the sewer rats in New York. I'm sure they'll let you pet them. Yeah, we'll just make an association with a beloved Disney character. Sure. It's cool. So they go upstairs. She's spinning her little car in the same way that she was spinning the plate. The news is in the background going, hey, that kid from the last thing got murdered, by the way, he's dead.

He's dead. Right. Right. But mom takes away her spinning her car like judgingly. Like, why, why doesn't anybody want her to spin her toys? Right. She seems to be enjoying it. Honey, better superpowers. What did we say about having lame superpowers? All right. You want to end up a more lock? This is how you end up a more lock. Come on.

Notice I'm not laughing because I don't understand that reference. You want to end up a more lock? This is how you end up a more lock. Come on. Notice I'm not laughing because I don't understand that reference. It's fine. Oh, I'll laugh enough for both of us. Care. Thank you. Thank you. So yeah, but this is also where we see that she can spin the car even just using her mind, but mom doesn't notice. Oh, we saw that. Yeah, yeah, she does that for just a second. mom doesn't know. Oh, we saw that. Yeah, yeah, she does that for just a second. Yeah. And then just then Maria, the babysitter shows up. Now I absolutely fucking hate Maria. Oh, she's awful. So Kim Bay singer's character is an atheist. It's very, she's, on none. She's non-religious. And this babysitter is as soon as she leaves indoctrinating her kid with Christian bullshit.

This babysitter is a sleeper agent to assure that this movie made it on to God off of movies. If she didn't rise up every time she was in a scene to be like, no, Jesus will bring your mother back. Trust me. Yeah. This movie might not have made it onto our show, but luckily, the first thing we see her say to this child is if you pray to Jesus, your real mom will come back. Yeah.

Oh, it's so gross. Like, did they not do a background check on her? That's such a garbage thing to say to a little kid. Right? Especially, again, a kid who doesn't share your guy would be bad even if the family was Christian, right? Because know the fuck that doesn't, it's not how shit works, but for a fucking non-religious family, that's just awful.

I want to see that background check going on. Okay. And so are you like Christian? Oh, you are. All right. Good. She's putting some red exes and some boxes here. Maria.

But yeah. So she leaves and then the little kid just in case you didn't notice her telekinetically spinning the car, she telekinetically kicks up a storm in her snow globe here as well. So they're like, you know, she can spin a number of different items. Kimmy B kicks open the door. What the fuck is that? That's an even worse superpower. That's literally a thing spinning inside a thing.

All right. That's literally a thing spinning inside a thing. All right. So it's the next day. Rufus Suol is on TV being interviewed about his sweet new cult. He's like, I guess a former child star turned cult leader. Who is this actor again? He always freaks me out. He's Rufus Suol. He was in dark city.

If you liked sci-fi, you would know that one. But I feel like he's just one of the, he's like a character actor that's been in everything. Yeah. He's in a lot of stuff. Yeah. He was part of this perfect golden era of television where like people just wandered up to disabled actors and they were like, oh, we can put you in the harm of him.

He was like, I guess so, I wish you would just stop. He's disabled? He's got a pretty serious walleye. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, he does have like the, yeah, that's, yeah. Oh, right, no, he does, yeah. Yeah, he does have like the, yeah, that's, yeah. Oh, right. No, he does. Yeah.

That he is the guy with the weird eye all throughout the 2000. You're right. You're right. You're right. That's absolutely what he is in this movie is the guy with the weird eye. Although this, no, this movie has a kid with an even weird eye. Yeah. Oh, that's true.

That's true. They lean all the way into weird eye in this. Yeah. Flash cut to Rufusool taking that kid through a training montage. Alright, kid. If you're going to make it in villain movie business because of the disability, yeah. But so we learn that his, he runs a self help group that's helping drugged up kids. And there's some suspicions that maybe it's not on the up and up. But as that's on TV, Kim Basinger here's creepy in the back and we do this, would I

call a jump nothing? Right, because it all, it kicks around like there's going to be a pop scare any second and then nothing happens at all. The pop scare is that the blinds open. Right. And there's a, I love that same damn gargoyle outside is not doing anything across the window from her daughters that's so creepy and yeah I like it. I wrote my notes gargles like hey how's it going what's under the rope I also love like she just

noticed that for the first time like she acts like that gargoyle just showed up. Yeah. Also, I know there's already so much ableism in this movie, but I love the set designers, not giving a fuck in there, we're like, well, she has autism, so all her crantroids are just be random fucking squiggles. Oh, I didn't notice that. Yeah, the room is full of like,

child her drawings, and then it's got codies, and it's just like me. Blair. See, I still wasn't sure who she was or what role she was meant to play. So I thought because they were like, you know, they're like the spiral drawings at every like disturbed child makes every movie where this disturbed child has to go to the psychologist. They make the spiral drawings. I thought that's what they were going for. Like, is she the devil?

I don't know. Yeah, she does. Drugs. Still trying to figure it out. Yeah. No, what they were going for. Like, who is she, the devil? I don't know. She does. Drugs. Still trying to figure it out. Yeah. No, I didn't notice them, but yeah, that sounds about right. And then we cut, we have to meet Jimmy Smith. So we cut to them, pull on the puppy kid out of the river, pulling his body out of the river. And it's a totally different movie now. All of a sudden, we're literally just like watching CSI. Yeah. Like the movie changes into an episode of NYPD Blue or whatever the fuck they're all the same. It's like they found a real from NYPD Blue on the floor of the editing room

and they were like, wait a minute. Score. We could have 90 minutes in this movie. Also, I just have to talk about this because again, you could not do this today. Jimmy Smith come over and he goes, I'm looking for a detective Bugatti. I wrote, oh, I'm sorry, it was detective something, something Italian. I'm looking for detective Salami. Yeah, right. And I love the moment to where, so he's with the FBI Jimmy Smiths and he comes up to the New York City detective and the New York City detective is like, Hey, man, keep a low profile. This is a movie. So there's going to be a, you know, push a jurisdiction nonsense. Everybody's

is going to hate you for reasons that don't make any real sense if you think about it. Except to be fair, that's literally never going to happen. So I'm going to reference it right now and that will never be a pop point again. And that's true. It's almost like they're like, look, we're contractually obligated to at least reference this if there's a cop in a movie. But don't step on any toes and don't try to vaccinate any of

these guys, okay? But yeah, he's like, okay, but I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna still investigate the murder. He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, still investigate the murder. He's like, okay, let me go do that. And then of course, he shows up and there's a weird Satan symbol burned into the kid's arm or carved into it. I couldn't really tell what the other. Yeah, it's the same shit.

It's like a pitch fork. Yes, it's a pitch fork with all of the times leaning left, because you know, the damn Democrats and their Satan. Oh, really? Is that what it is? No, no, it's because Satan is left handed. It's because... No, but is it actually leaning left?

Yes, all the times point. I didn't notice that because it's sinister. Right. Exactly. Exactly. So meanwhile, back at Cody's school, sister don't spin the plate shows up to comment on Cody's drawings. And she's like, wow, those are some satanic symbols you're drawing right there.

She walks over and I was, I wanted her so badly to be like, Cody, you remember when you talk about your shit to me yesterday? I just thought of a perfect date. I thought I'd come back and I'm ready to get into you. I'm ready to get into you. I'm ready to get into you. Show you a little plate spinner. I'm ready to get into you.

Raggedy ass burgers, that's what I call you. Raggedy ass burgers, huh? Is that good? Because you're red hair and you're on the spectrum. Nellie. Yeah, she's, um, and they, they don't present Cody like they pretend. I don't get what they're trying to make her out to be at the beginning. Like she's on the spectrum, but she's evil.

But every time we see her, she's just like incredibly polite. Do you notice that? Well, so the thing is is that they give you all of the tropes of devil child, but she's supposed to be like the second coming of Jesus or something by the end of it. Boiler. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Everything comes pre spoiled on this one. But yeah, but it's real hard to pick up what the hell they're land on because she's against you said they're drawing satanic symbols when the nun shows up. Right. And the nun looks at them knowingly. Right. Like, I love this trope. How it's like, she understands Cody's drawing immediately, the

ripped up drawing of the devil pitch fork leaning to the left because that's how Catholicism works. Right. No, they all know their symbology, right? Yeah. So, okay. And just then as she's commenting on the drawings, a bird, like commits suicide at the window. He can't take it any longer, so he flies into the window and dies.

Yeah. So then we cut to Kim Basin or showing up to pick her up and all the kids are gathered around the dead bird in the yard. And a nun says, yeah, they're all gathered around a dead bird. Apparently, we haven't bothered to move the goddamn disease vector from the playground, despite the fact that we clearly all know it's there. I feel like one of the rules of preschool should be, don't let your child touch a dying bird. Like now I have to ask that. Right. And Kim has the weirdest questions. She says, do they know about death? And the nun says, yeah, I blamed the lion king. And I wrote in my notes, you sure it's not your weird cult that hangs dead guys on all the walls and all the quests.

Do you think they understand that you're asking a none? You're asking somebody who doesn't understand death professionally, lady, what the hell? Also, okay, so Cody at this point is, is fucking, she's rocking back and forth with a dead burdener hand. And I'm like, hey, maybe we don't make the Satan magic look like Jewish prayer. Huh? No. I'm sorry. And I won't be fucking myself.

This is before I realized, of course, that she was, and Jesus cared for. So obviously she would like the light, not the dark. Yeah. So she's like reanimating the bird. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Come back.

Come back. The life flies away. And then seemingly nobody is confused. But I know. I was weird. And then seemingly nobody is confused. But I was like, I was weird. And then they just move on. All the kids are like, hey, Cody, fix that bird. And everybody's like, oh, I guess the bird was fine all along. It's like, why would, how would it have been mine?

But, and this is important, spacey renter, the ball of kidnapper guy saw her miraculous bird resurrection from his windowless kidnapping thing. Is that important though, really? No, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. This movie is a good sign. It is important.

So, okay, so then we cut to Kim at work at the hospital. This is the one moment where her being a nurse will ever be relevant, right? Sort of. Oh, and, I mean, again, Cara, I know that you've actually done some work in hospitals in like a psychological care thing. Nurses usually call people paranoid skits, right? They also usually say things like must be a full moon. Yeah, because science. Right. Anyways, I'm gonna go put people in this

old time, you straight jacket for being on their period. Disketching actually mean coming down off of a high. I do not believe that it does. I just made that word up. She literally, so we see Christina Ricci and she's like, what's up with you? And she's like, I'm sketching. And then one second later, it means I'm coming down off of her. I'm like, okay, none of that was necessary. Well, then why would you have used that word if you knew? Also, why would they be detoxing her in a psych ward? Makes no sense.

She's clearly not mentally ill at all. Nope. Because you got to be crazy to live in New York City. Right. Like she's, she's got capacity. She's like lucid. She's, she's not even, doesn't even look like she's coming down. She just informs them that she's coming down.

I also, I have to point out there's a moment where she's giving her an injection, you know, like you do when someone's coming down from heroin and she's, they, they have attempted track marks. And apparently this girl is just like Stabbing in the general arm Like a pin cushion. Yeah, yeah, wherever wherever I'll be fine. I'm sure She has craters in her arm like the surface of the moon It's not not realistic crazy billionaire remake of this movie. There's just 25 minutes where she's trying to find a vein. I'm, I gotta call the RN. She's the only lady who can do this.

So now, while this is all happening, of course, they're having a conversation where she's like, yeah, you know, I'm part of a satanic cult and they wanted to kill me when I tried to leave. So they overdosed me and oh, by the way, your sisters in it. Right. But even before she says that, to be clear, she goes, they don't like people quitting their club. And the nurse practitioner's response, the psychiatric nurse practitioner says to her, nice club. Not would you like to tell me more about this club?

I would like to take a detailed history and understand if you are safe because that's my job because I'm a psychiatric nurse. She literally just nice club. She could not be more bored. Yeah, she couldn't care Oh, yes, and they tried to murder you. I would heroin anyway I really got to get these samples upstairs Yeah, yeah, and then and then Christina reaches characters like and I have a friend named Jenna and she goes Jenna a friend named Jenna and she goes, duh, Jenna must be the same person. Like in New York City.

Yes. How many jenna's could their boss? I think and somehow Christina reach knows this and she's like, did I say Jenna? I'm at Janet. My friends Janet. This isn't your sister got to go

going. Good. Like it's the worst scene ever. Right. Before her little wheel legs start, she says, oh, and by the way, the whole, this is important. The whole plot is basically that they're after Cody now, they're after the kid. And she's like, wait, the plot of, and then for Catery, she dips out, right? She runs off. Yeah. And she, she runs through the hole that the boyfriend

that the boyfriend. I'm very large. The sister. How did that get here to the hospital? That was the way. Everywhere I go. All right. And then we we cut, I love this. So goddamn much.

We cut to the police station where Jimmy Smith is there, they're swamped with all of these useless leads. And this one character, this unnamed character, we will never see again. Crawford. He's got a name. It's Crawford. Oh, you're right. You're right.

Okay. Yeah. So Crawford, who will be named despite the event that we'll never see him again? He shows up and he's like, Hey, man, can I put a dead plant near your desk so it can be miraculously shield later? And he's like, Oh, yeah, yeah, no, that'll be, that'll be, that'll be, uh, nobody else. He that coming. Sure. Sure. Sure. And then the, and then the captain is literally like, don't worry about Crawford. He's a fucking pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Let me go to a stupid dead fucking plant. He's like, don't worry about Crawford. He's a fucking pussy. Yeah, let me go to a stupid, dead fucking plant. He's like, I don't, it's fine there. And none of this matters.

Why is this scene in here? So stupid. Well, and the other cop, the cop that warned him about jurisdiction earlier comes up and he's like, Hey, can I ask about your backstory? We really haven't dived into that. And he's like, oh, sure, yeah, my backstory. Yeah, I was going to be a priest.

And then I decided to become a cop so I could fight Satan. Right. He's like, we're all fighting the same evil or he said something weird like that. I wrote in my notes. He was tired of getting caught sexually assaulting people so he became a cop. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

And then we start to learn more about their type of police work, which by the way, apparently in New York City, there are four policemen. Yeah, just four times. They're all men, by the way. Four male police officers and one FBI agent that all work on every case all the time. And they start to, he's like, you remember that Santa reacase we busted and it's like, this is so race. Yeah, I didn't realize that's what they were saying.

Oh my god. There's this weird moment where he's like, yeah, yeah, did those guys in your Santa Ria case get off and he's like, yeah, the problem with satanic cults is there's too much reasonable doubt. Yes. Yes. Satanic murder's real no matter what the court say. This movie Jesus Christ. Jimmy Smith says, why found this symbol? It's everywhere literally like nine times. They've already thrown it on this movie So whoever did this has a background in classic occult mysticism. I'm like, we both wrote that that exact quote because it's that bad Like I heard it. I heard it 10 times louder than all the other words I heard it. I heard it 10 times louder than all the other words.

Whatever did this has a background in classic occult mysticism. This movie was written by a 12 year old. Oh my God, who couldn't be bothered to look shit up, a 12 year old in a hurry. Yes. I really wanted like a cut over to a satanic guy who's just got like four red squares on his arm. He's like, sorry, I'm in a postmodern cult. This is the squares represent the absence of form.

Yeah. So he explains this is the satanic symbol from the 16th century back when there was so much Satanism so much. And he introduces the concept of black Easter, which is I guess devil's night, but for Easter. Yes, this real art. Did they just make all this stuff up? They also use the word Luciferian is Luciferian real?

I mean, that's a real word, but yeah, the black Easter thing. I'm pretty sure that's just invention. I thought they made it up like Postifarian, like Luciferian. So those are people who follow Lucifer. Oh, they yeah, in their usage, it may well have been bullshit. I'm very confused. I don't think it gets underlined by spell check, but they may have been used there. Yeah, there's three goth kids somewhere who are using that word, but they don't know they're not. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

They're just mad at their dads. It's okay. Yeah, they just really want to wear devil horns in their driver's license pictures And you know what hey, I support that yep All right, so then we cut to Kim on the phone that night. She's calling the hospital She's like hey, can you give me the private information of one of our patients? You can okay great I wrote Kim Basinger now violating all the hippos. All right. Kim Basinger violating hippos would have been an awesome movie. Anyway. So much better. That's on the dark web. I can get you that. Okay. Good. And come on. Don't send

your emails. I know it's a hippo violation. It's funnier. Oh, and then speaking of the dark web, this is where we get to look at a computer that looks so goddamn ancient despite having been like, you know, the kind of computer I had when I was 25. Oh, yeah. This was only 20 years ago, only. Yikes. But it feels so ancient. Everything in this movie feels so ancient, especially the CG.

Oh, yeah. She clicks the pay my kids preschool thing and there's a loading bar and I realized that like I have to explain to the young people in the audience that things on the internet used to take a non-zero amount of time. Well, I thought like, okay, so this entire seat is her watching a load bar. This is realistic, computing from the chair. We see bar. This is realistic computing from the territory. The most realistic part of the whole movie. That is for damn sure. So yeah, but so she falls asleep while the loading screen is with loading bars is going. And then she hears some sound. Now this is a dream, but she hears some sound coming from

Cody's room and she goes inside to check it out and it is filled with CGI rats. Yeah. to check it out and it is, filled with CGI brands. Oh, like the CGI in the film is at the level of AR in life now. Yes, like it looks like she's wears, like she's playing Pokemon Go on her phone. Exactly. Exactly what's happening.

And she just hit a jackpot. Yeah. Yeah, they're like nine TikTok filters better than the absolutely absolutely. But I get it. I also go into a terrible based fugue state when I pay my child care bill. I sympathize with Kimmy B here.

Kimmy B. Oh, God. So she realizes that she was a sle- Oh, she wakes up. I guess she wakes up. And it's like, oh, good. It wasn't real. And then she goes into the kids room and the exact same scene happens just without the rats and she finds A

And wrap up Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry, I just I just think yeah, right she finds a goddamn rosary under the bed that the fucking nanny stuck under there to Christianize her kid yeah, that would scare me to It's such a thing. I feel like it's such a bad again such a bad trope like we don't have to connect any dots We'll just throw a bunch of pitchfork symbols and some rosaries and some rat bites and it doesn't matter Right, I'll come out in the wash evil say in angels rats. Let's solve this. Yeah, right Okay, oh god that that exact exchange probably happened in some writers in the right area. Exactly.

Yeah. All right. Well, let's do it. We just had a scene that got dangerously close to something happening. So we're gonna pause while you catch your breath, but we're gonna be back in a minute with even more. Bless the child. And baking soda will do, but honestly, if you want to get blood out, good old fashioned spit, it's best way to go. I mean, I said, how was your weekend? Well, that's how my weekend was. You didn't let me tell the whole story. Hey guys, uh, what's with the jug? It smells awful. Oh, it's for our brand new sponsor this week, Prison Wine. The secret is to flush before you start. I learned that the hard way. Let me tell you.

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Why do I keep coming here? We sold all your hats on eBay. Right. Minions, listen to me. Yes, Lord Satan. Our plan for Black Easter is almost complete. We shall corrupt the coming sainted tear-coutless souls from gods and brates.

Yes, excellent! Good. Beosibob. Yes, Lord Satan. You shall rip our enemies from their mortal coil. The girl who tells of our plans to daughter's mother and her allies, use your demonic powers to end their lives brutally. Yes. And Lilith, the fallen daughter, Tempter of Adam. Any chance you could nanny? Yes, I shall.

Wait. What? Yeah, we need someone to watch the kid. I figure maybe you could do it. Why would you assume I could do that? I'm a demon. I don't know how I'm going to get to get some juice for the TV. No they do.

But then why can't be else above do it? Um, he's a dude. No, no, it's not that It's it's that he's covered and flies all the time. This has nothing to do with gender Okay, everything has to be political these days like relax am I right? You need to stop hanging out with Dave Chappell. You really do. He's a bad influence on you say oh, oh whatever with a Dave Chappell. You really do. He's a bad influence on you, say.

Oh, oh, whatever. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the movie with Kim Basinger ever so slightly confronting her nanny about the unsolicited religious indoctrination. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, are you switching my kids' religion without asking me?

And she's like, yes, but I'll also switch yours if you want. Yes, you're right. She was like, yes, but she asked me to. It's her fault. Not mine. Right. No, your daughter wanted to be my religion, though. Yeah. Yeah.

She really considered all her options, Maria. Yeah. Right. Right. So I'm sure you presented the other religions to her too. Yeah. And there's actually a follow-up scene to this. They're walking by Maria's church and she

wants to go and she's like, Oh, okay, if you want to go to Maria's church, now root my notes, I'd be like, fuck no. You know what? Now you have to watch Daddy make Maria cry by asking her a few simple questions about this. Now we're going to do this. I will also have that obligatory horror movie, Holy Shit is religious religious iconography, terrifying moment. I'm going to go into the church, right? She's like, starts to pray and she's like, boy, every single painting around us is something that you wouldn't want. A kid to see, right? That would be nightmare fucking material.

Yeah, it's like somehow this religious movie, which is really not a, or maybe I don't know, it's a horror movie is more religious than the religious movies you guys make me watch. Right. Yeah. Kim sits down and she goes, I'm going to pray just like Maria does. And I really wanted her to start doing a racist impersonation of Maria. Oh, look at me. Kila look at me. Kodi. Yes, I just cover people to their marriage with how does gang, huh?

Is it like that, Cody? I do like that. But while Kim is praying, Cody gets up and leaves. And mom free-suffers, I can, because she's missing, but she finds her in the creepy candle vigil room where she's going to use her pyrokinesis to light a bunch of T-light candles. It's kind of cool. I dig it. And then the music starts. It's the fucking hallelujah chorus. The Virgin Mary statue starts crying. Yeah. Yeah. It was weird. Is this the part two where Cody looks up and she's crying uncontrollably?

And I'm like, what's sad? Yeah. She says she's sad. She's crying for us. I think in reference to the Virgin Mary. Why? I don't understand this. It doesn't make sense. They might as well have just put a big Satan pitchfork on the wall and some red lights and go, done. Right. Yeah. Right. Honestly, that would be more in keeping with this film. And Kim Basinger has a very, like, she's really underreacts to the whole pyro, because she's like, hey kid, sometimes, you know, as you grow up and become a woman, more and more often, you will light candles

with pyrocanesis. It's all part of growing up. She is a psychiatric nurse, so clearly she knows that autistic kids can light candles with their mind. Yeah. And back to the day. She went over that when she was diagnosing with the doctor. Yeah.

Come on. Come on. Also, by the way. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Also, by the way, just a little moment that I love. So the way that they did, this effect was that they lit all these candles and then just blew them out and played the footage in reverse, which means that these candles keep lighting with a giant amount of wax already melted. So okay. So they head home and damn it, if Rupus Rupa's soul and Jenna the drug mom who left the whole at the beginning

I'll forgive you if you forgot about her aren't there waiting yeah, and they want Cody back They want the kid that she abandoned back now six years ago. Yeah, Kramer versus Satan And they have this weird way of playing it. It's like, hi, Cody, I'm your mom. And well, better now our honeymoon was in Barbados. Anyways, you live with me now. I just love that they slid in the honeymoon. For no reason, I know. You got a slide show.

You're going to show to this person before you steal their child away. Yes. And she literally said, Jenna says something crazy. Like, I'm better now. No bad habits, except for spending Eric's money. Like what? Yeah.

What is it? Wow. Two thousand relationships. Yeah. And she keeps trying to kiss the daughter and the daughter's like, ugh. And then she literally hands her, she's opening presents like this whole scene, she's opening a creepy doll. Yes.

And she hands her another present and the kid goes no more presents. No more presents. Like that would map it. Well, I don't know if you just opened that terrifying looking fucking doll, maybe. Yeah, maybe, maybe you're right. You'd be like, look, I have a gargoyle right outside my fucking window and this is scary, lady. Just picturing the guy out in the van with the puppy.

Oh, really, we're not giving her the puppy. No, that's fine. It's my puppy. I also like too. Like so Kim starts drilling down. She's like, Hey, so when you met my sister, was she in your drug rehabilitation program? He's like, yep. He's like, so you started a sexual relationship with somebody that you were in a position of power over. He's like, yep, per's. Yes, that was what I did. Yeah. He's like, you'll see more of it later. Sit tight. Yeah. Exactly. He's like, it's. Yes, that was what I did. Yeah, he's like, you'll see more of it later. Sit tight.

Yeah, exactly. He's like, it's the 2000s. This is fine now, apparently. Yeah. Also, this is where Jenna realizes that Cody is still autistic. She was hoping she would outgrow the autism that she recognized when she was nine years old. Nine days old. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, did you try bleach? I hear a little bit of bleach really just, just get rid of that. Well, we could put a light on the inside of her maybe. Right, yeah. Yeah.

Organic diet. And, and, and Rufus is like, you know, he's like the husband cult leader guy is like, hey, look, we appreciate you raising the kid this far. We are totally not gonna sacrifice her to Satan, but I am gonna take her otherwise like, you know, we're 45 minutes in. This movie needs a goddamn bot, right? Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is also where we meet Donia, the evil nanny. Yeah. Yeah. We will pay off in the best possible way, by the way. Oh, she's. Yeah. She's.

Yeah. She's. Yeah. This is also where Rufus, the cult leader guy, he's like, look, I don't want to be harsh, but you have to decide right now whether I can have your daughter. And I was like, no, I decided. I don't want to, what's hard sales tactic was he hope this is going to work with? Well, if I have to decide right now, then yeah, I guess you can have the daughter.

Yeah, he's literally like, you don't have the luxury of time. Like what? Why? Why? Why, Trude? Give me the car. Give me the baby. Five, four.

And then how does she magic get? How was she magic kidnapped? Because I didn't see anyone go into a room. Well, right. Yeah, apparently, well, Rufusual has given her the whole. You don't have the luxury of times, but he's like angling himself away from the kids door. So, Donia, the evil librarian lady can steal the kid. Oh, yeah. So that would have worked on me too, because I clearly did not see that happen. I don't know. I'm guessing it's entirely possible

that she used the same trick he used to get bullets out of a gun later. Oh, yeah. His powers are, I'm going to say inconsistent. Oh, God, powers in this movie, very inconsistent. Yeah, no, true. Do you guys notice too that Kim Basinger is like really bad at movie running? Oh, yeah. She's got it. Everything. Like right after the kid gets kidnapped, she like runs into the street to try to stop

that. Oh, yeah. And it's like she's trying to tell like left foot, right foot, left hand, right hand, left foot, right hand. It's so weird. I mean, we watched an entire trilogy where Gary Busy ran. So yeah, all right. It's hard on TV, but I get it.

No, that's true. Yeah, I love to. Was you realize just the kids missing? She stares at the gargoyle across the windows. She's like, you had something to do. I know that you did, right? You did I do that. Yeah.

Greg the gargoyle will be back next fall for a very special Greg the gargoyle Christmas. Have very 2001 of you. I love you. Right. So, okay. So Kim goes to the police station to report the girl kidnapped and of course, the cop at the desk and every single movie has no job other than to tell people to calm down and not take their problems seriously, right? Yeah, he's literally, his eyes are like rolling back into his head while he's talking to

her. Oh, and now that lady was her kidnap fucking kid, can you believe this? Yeah. Right before donut break a clock every day. Like black book. I know I sound like Gary the Cragoyle. We grew up together. He literally says something like it's not even a kidnapping. It's a custody dispute.

It's like that's still a kid that you have. Yeah, you stupid fucking shit. No, no, no, they know the baby they stole. This is not us. The word, this is not our world. Don't worry. Well, and I love to, because the only reason that we always have to have this cop that doesn't take it seriously is so that we can contrast that with our male lead when he comes in and does take it seriously.

So Jimmy Smith comes in and he's like, oh, you know what? It's going to be that Rupfasool guy. He's pretty Satan up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's like, come back here. what? It's going to be that root for Suil guy. He's pretty Satan up. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, come back here. I want to talk to you. And this is the whole conversation. Starks pretty well protected politically.

Are you saying you're scared of him? Wait, are those the serial murder murders on that big board? You better get a lawyer. Like, did they write this using a random text generator? What was that? What was that scene? It's like pages were stuck together and no one realized it. Yeah. He's like, come back here. I know you like to violate hippos. So come back

here and look at all my crimes. The photos ran to a woman. Like there are so many laws being broken. And then buddy cop to Jimmy Smith comes over and he's like, I get it. You're looking for that lady's kid because you want a fucker. And Jimmy Smith is like, what? And he's like, I'm a police officer. Why else would you try to find a lady's lost kid? I don't understand. You're so right. Have you never fucked a lady whose kid you found they are. Oh, it's so great. It's a great night.

Let me tell you. Jesus. Look, I'll give you the list right now. One single bomb. Two ladies whose kids you just found three chicks on Halloween. That's the right one, two, three. I'm done. That's great.

Yeah, and this is where we find out that Jimmy Smith's the only person in the bureau. I guess because there's only four of them. But together, the most meaningful clue the kid has the same birthday as all the murdered kids. Yeah, all the kids have the same, all the murdered kids have the same birthday and that's the same birthday that Cody has. And I was like, I mean, up until they sort of explained an exposition, which I've already for in the explanation, I was literally like, why does that matter? Right. And they do a very bad job of making it matter eventually.

Right. Like, what is that? And then, okay, so then Kim heads over to the headquarters of Rufus Sules cult, because you know, when you have a cult, you've got to have like a, something forward facing for new customers. Yeah. And it's in my old community college, I feel like. That's what the headquarters is called. Right.

Well, it's an atheist cult. By the way, the pamphlet says, there is no God but you. And I'm like, yeah, you know how cults are always trying to use non-religion to control people. Well, I love, I love that whenever there's a Christian movie cult, it's either Catholicism backwards, literally, or Scientology. Yeah. They went with Scientology here.

But it's also Catholicism backwards because don't you remember earlier when Christina Ritchie was talking about the cult and she was like, it's like religious, but backwards. She literally said that. Yeah, she did. It's like religion in reverse. It's like they unrape children. It's weird. And she says, well, fucking Skippy shows up to give her a tour of the cult, right? Oh, yeah. He's like, it only cost $400. Like what? It went through this move. But so and and she's like, well, actually, you know, I'm here to talk to that head guy. He's like, well, that's that's like going into a five guys and asking to speak to one of the five guys. He's not here. But they have a computer lounge where you can send him an email. A man. Electronic mail. The goes directly to his mailbox electronically.

You can also look at pornographic photographs that will load one quarter of an image at a time. Right. So okay. So she sends an email asking him to please get in touch. Then she heads back to our apartment in the pouring rain. She has an answering machine, Eli, where you want to explain that to the younger. God, there's, okay.

Home calls. You still live at your house for a little while. Like a shitty stepson. So yeah, but she has a message from honor answering machine from Christiana Reggie because apparently that call the hospital and ask for people's personal information thing goes both ways. Yes. Right?

So she called and got Kim basing her number, calls her and says, hey, I know where your kid is. Meet me at this diner at midnight. Oh, yeah. And this is when she's like, Eric's self-help thing isn't really self-help. It's like a religion, but it's more like the opposite of religion.

Yes. They hunt kids. Yeah, she says it's the opposite of religion, and I wrote in my notes, science. That's it. It's like very confusing. Well, this whole conversation is just batshit, right? Because she's like, yeah,

so they started killing all these kids that were born on the same day. And like, they got eight, nine kids in and I'm like, I should leave. This is, I don't even want to be associated with these guys anymore. They have gotten carried away. After the ninth child, I was like, little bit too much blood on my hands. Look, everyone had that friend who had really good drugs. And we all had that moment that was way too late

where we decided to stop being friends with that person. I get a Christina Rage. Okay, the ninth kid is the charm. All right, I'm going to find a new heroin guy. And I don't understand at this point all of the like, so all the lackeys, like the satanic opposite of religion cult lackeys look like every kind of like goth satanic movie trope ever. They're all kids with like black spiky hair and like black eyeliner. And so they start following them and they're trying to murder them, like both of them, but I don't get this because they already have the child.

Right. Yeah. What's happening right now? Why are they trying to kill these two women? So I guess they're trying to kill her for leaving their cult. Right. Christine Eriji. And then I guess they got to kill Kim because she knows too much now.

But isn't that how you get the cops and all the other people involved? Yeah. You know about your cult. Anyway, whatever. Who cares? Yeah. So they see them through the windows, right? Like they're getting to the diner and shit. And Christinee Richie turns to Kim and she's like, look,

I got to summarize this exposition really quickly. Your kid is going to grow up to be a prophet. They're trying to turn her to Satan. She has magic powers. Gotta go. And she runs off the Satanist's follower. They chase her into the subway. The Delansey Street F stop, which to be fair to this movie is a fantastic place to murder someone. It was actually filmed in Ontario in a ghost subway system that they designed to look like a New York City subway. But yes, really? Yeah, yeah, apparently for a while, Canada had just like this fake New York subway that they maintained for movies. This is like always just like the F stop, the Delancie station. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Like every movie. Okay. So they get into this big chase. The Satanist or chasing Christina Ricci and Kim is like, like, she's got, she's wearing a bush and tiptoeing

in behind them. Right? At one point she grabs like the call the cops phone and I wrote in my notes, the least realistic part of this movie about Satanist demons is that phone isn't covered in comment poop. Or that a New Yorker would think to fucking use it like, oh come on, like that's gonna fucking work. Okay. And this is where we get her first vision of demons. Yes. I mean, oh, of demons, right?

Because she had the rat vision before. Right. Yeah. Well, that was a dream. But now she's seeing it. No, but she had the real rat bites. Well, that's true. That's true. Was it a dream?

Yeah. Okay. But we realize here, she sees that the bad guys, they have demon, bat, hype men. Right? They're monkey bats. Yeah, they're not. They're not monkeys to the monkey bats. Wizard of Oz is flying monkey.

And to be clear, they are not attacking Christina Ricci. They're just hanging out being like, yeah, get her fucking get her. I haven't liked any of your movies since you were a kid. Get her. I'll teach her. So yes, so we have this moment where like Kim gets knocked onto the tracks and then barely escapes a train.

Yeah, that wouldn't have happened. She would have been dead. That would have been absolutely right there. Absolutely. All the dead. And so here's what apparently. So she sees Christina reach you after she gets back up off the tracks and barely avoids death.

And she walks up to her, she's, they got a sitting in this chair with her eyes closed and she's like, are you okay? And then her head falls off. Yeah, she's been decapitated. She's been, but they set her head back up on her body. Just for that little spook, right? They did just to spook her a little just for Kim basing her sink.

Yeah. So in in the 11 seconds that it took for her to get they sliced off her head, set her in the shoe shine chair, put her head on top, cleaned up all the blood because your body does have blood in it. And then they left and they were like, oh, this is going to spook can be so bad. But then they must have come back because later they're like, there was nobody. Right. Yes, exactly. They put the head back on her and like, okay, now we have to walk her out. I'm thinking about it. We should have just stabbed her in the heart, guys. That would have been so much easier. We can burn it.

But her head keeps falling. She's real drunk. You know what I'm saying? And it wasn't attached to her shoulders, am I right? It's really 2000s. It's okay. All right. So then we get, so she's in the hospital now from getting beat up and thrown on the train tracks and shit, which by the way, no IV, no nothing, no tubes, no nothing, just just a chemical piece of gauze taped to her.

Yes, just single. I mean, Gara, you've worked in hospitals. You get a single piece of gauze. to her. Yes, just single. I mean, Gara, you've worked in hospitals, you get a single piece of gauze. That's how it usually works. Yeah, all of the patients at the hospital where I work, they just sit in these fluffy beds with no IVs, with gauze tape to their face. Yes, exactly.

So it's like with a fucking L-vira hairdo of gauze. Yes, yes. It was like she took it out of Halloween costume. So but Jimmy submits his coming to visitor, right? Because he's like, I don't know if you've realized I'm the male lead. I know we've only met once, but I'm going to come and visit you in the hospital. Now she's like, all right, no, male lead. Yeah, I've heard of you. Yeah. And to be clear, he's like, well, I hear you have a head injury. And she's like, Satanist cut off my friends had even though you didn't see any evidence of that and he's like, mm, okay.

I think the best thing to do right here is give you a gun and leave. Yes. That's exactly what happened. He says, well, you are clearly either an insane person who is having hallucinations of demons and, and, and illusions of persecution or you're in danger. So I guess I give you a gun either way, right? So it one way or the other will be fine if I arm you Yep, and then he's like after I arm this person who's having a psychotic episode with a gun I'm gonna go back to the station and and do some like real biblical policing. Yes, right?

I'll stare in my Bible for clues. Yeah, yeah. And I'm wondering, what does this say about organized religion as a whole that this is the plot of like 75% of horror movies? Right. They're all about demonic possession. Yeah.

Mm. Yeah, so he's at the office, policing hard, looking at the clues, and he's like, I'm going to have to ask God for a little help on this one. So he prays, but just as he's praying, a janitor shows up in an in-repsis conversation. Magical black janitor. Yeah. Magical play.

Yeah. He's like there to make Jimmy Smith feel better. I don't know. At first, he's like, hmm, all this murder must be hard on you. And he's like, yep, it's pretty hard on you. But, you know, I'm going to get through it. And then magical Jesus, janitor, is like, well, you're never alone with Jesus on your side.

Pretty much the whole conversation, right? Right. And he's like, yeah, I sure am. And then the flowers have miraculously come back to life. Nobody could have possibly seen that coming. What? What a useful thing for the god of the universe to do is child murder case.

Five child murders in no less. I've already dead kids and he's like, oh, fuck, I got to resurrect some flowers. We're a blue. We're literally seeing the flowers come back to life with a blurry backdrop of mangled children photo. Yeah. What? What? Oh, so Kim. Now, so she's under guard.

Kim is under guard at the hospital because, you know, she's talking crazy about demons and murders and shit, but she sees that the cop is distracted flirting with a nurse. So she wanders off and heads to the suddress that Christina Ricci gave her. Mm-hmm. And also whether she gets to the suddress, it's in Queens. She finds convenient street parking, least realistic part of this movie since the phone. Bullshit. Oh, and then second least, there's a creepy kid with a weird eyeball that we referenced earlier. Yes. I have him down as baby Ronald McDonald

Yeah, okay. He is his baby Ronald McDonald but with like a white milky eye And he's hitting cans with a stick. Yep, and she's like hey kid keep an eye on my car Willia for no reason don't understand this at all at first I thought she handed him her keys and I was like that's a terrible idea But I realized she handed him money and he literally throws it on the ground like, don't understand this at all. At first I thought she handed him her keys and I was like, that's a terrible idea, but I realized she handed him money and he literally throws it on the ground like, I don't like money. Well, I think it was like he's like,

keep an eye, come on lady, I just don't come up. Are you really taking that? That's what that was? That was like, no, it wasn't. I thought this movie made a weird choice in being like, oh, a a disabled child like a kid no wheelchair because she literally like leaps back from him. Right.

He just like he discussed me. Yeah, I wanted a kid no wheelchair to roll up and he's like, hey, Billiard, she's like, oh, no, they're all over me. He's like, okay, okay. You're a grown-up. You're a stranger. It's a stranger scene. So yes, so she goes to walk up to this building and she can see demons flying in the little

alley that leads to it or whatever. There's a little goat man kind of high. Okay, thank you. Thank you so much, Noah, because here are the demons, right? There's two of the flying monkeys who land very menacingly. There's a snake thing that curls around and then there's very clearly a goat demon with social anxiety being like, I feel like I'm not scary. Like the rest of the guys are.

It's, uh. And Eli, you know this because you rewatched the scene like 17 times. So many times I really, I did a deep study. It was pretty amazing. Where's his movie? But demons be damned. She just goes up to the door and she's like, Hey, can I come into your demon house Jenna Jenna? Are you there? And she is she is it turns out that's Jenna's place. That's where they are with Cody with the kidnap kid and it's nice

Yeah, and there's no real security at all. It's no it's super nice. It's like a fabulous New York apartment behind these scary demon doors Yeah, you know, Eric's one of those guys who gentrifies to early builds up the whole building They test to rent it out as an Airbnb for a few years. He's losing money the whole time. You know how it's sure plenty. He's got plenty. That's fine. Yeah.

So she's like, Hey, I'm taking the kid and Jen is like, Oh, you can't take the kid. She's like, why not? She's like, Oh, because Rufus is going to make a well timed entrance right now. Here he is. He has come into the scene now. Hello. Today. I'm here. And she's like, Oh, you know what? I said, funny story. I was going to take your kid with me to the store that I was going to go to by. No, no, I don't. This is also the like attempt to poison her with the drink scene, I think. Oh, really? Yeah,

because he's like Stewart and Kevin Spacey Jeremy Render comes up and he's like Maggie would like a drink and she's like no, thank you And I was really sad cuz I wanted a scene where like child kidnappers trying to make a Bahama mama down Staring like no, what is in this you make me buy a puppy you make me buy a simple bowl for the store You never sacrificed child to the devil. Now I am bartender. This is too much. This is, this is, this is,

this is, people are moving my cheese. Have you read book? It's good. It's good book. Dated book. Good. So, yeah. So she's like, look, I'm going to take the kid and he's like, no, you're, no, you're not.

You're just like in my house now and I'm the bad guy. And she's like, okay, look, I know 70% of the plot at this point. I will keep quiet if you give me the kid. Now, I only point that out because part of the plot that she knows is that they beheaded Christine to reach her. She is offering to keep quiet about a murder. Yeah, of course. All right, well, I'll give that.

So I'm just how I test the waters, guys, actually. But, I'm sure we can come to an arrangement. You give me this child, and I won't tell everyone that you murdered Christina Richie, huh? She's dispensable. Come on. Maybe that clear at the beginning of the film. She's got black hair.

Well, and he's like, no, I'm not going to take that deal. And she pulls out the gun, and I'm like, okay, I'm not going to take that deal. And she pulls out the gun. And I'm like, okay, this is a weird escalation on your part, actually. Yeah. Right. Cause the daughter is still right there watching all of this. Like, you're going to murder this guy in front of the child. It's just trauma. Well, that's what Eric's like. Are you going to murder me in front of your daughter? And she's like, Oh, good thinking. Cody, close your eyes. Totally. And then and then she posed the trigger, but he has used his magical bullet stealing from the gun powers.

Oh, I really want to be at that satanic dark seance, right? Where the fucking fallen agent Lucifer rolls out of the fucking floor that they've drawn in a child's blood. And he's like, could you give me powers? If someone puts a gun at me, I can just like real slow drop the bullets. Real cool and slow and Satan's like, you got to stop calling me about this little shit. Make a list and send an email to my assistant. So, and then we get, okay, so then Spacey Runner knocks her out with chloroform and we get one of the most spectacular. Tell me how we got here moments in the history of film. Oh, I, what?

This is so good. Okay, so she wakes up. She wakes up driving a car on the wrong side of the freeway on a bridge on a bridge. No less. And somehow the whole time she's unconscious, she's in the middle of her lane. Yeah, when she's up, she's swirving all of the place and fucking drives off a bridge. Can yeah, what how? Well, they put her in the very first Tesla is what happened.

There's a lot of. Well, and then so and and and the brakes don't work in the car. They've they've cut the brake lines or something. So somehow they've managed to while she was unconscious, put her in a car, going the wrong way down a very busy, fucking freeway in New York City on a bridge. And they're like, Hey, we wanted to wake up on the bridge. Did you time that chloroform just right? Yeah, we've had the chloroform just right. So apparently, like at some point, they like, they had to leap out of this car,

go ahead, because it doesn't have brakes. Right, they've got it up on blocks. One, two, three, they drop it in the middle of the fucking highway, leading to the George Washington bridge. The entire time Russian Kevin Spacey is just like, okay, I finished making Bahama mama. Then you'll make it. We're the root goal for I could shoot her. I'll shoot her in the head right now.

She'll be dead. She'll be dead. She'll be dead. People will know she died of the death. It will be fine. Oh God. So yeah, so she crashes her car's halfway up. The bridge isn't gonna fall.

Is it slowly gonna tip over? I guess this movie ever gonna find anything that I haven't seen 37 times to show me. Yeah, and the movie doesn't so wrong. So they're trying to do like help for person pulls her out of the car at the last second, except they, I think they just forgot to hire an actor because this guy just sort of ever so casually wanders over and he's like, hey, you should get out of the car. except they, I think they just forgot to hire an actor, because this guy just sort of ever so casually wanders over and he's like, hey, you should get out of the car. I don't think you're in the very safe place.

I don't want to be there. And she gently steps out of the car and he's like, there you go. And the car explodes. But he's weirdly superhuman, right? He's like, he's like on his tippy toes dangling over the bridge as he pulls her out of the car. And he's bracing himself on the car that's tipping over. He's using the tipping over car as his anchor trying to push her. Yes.

He's like, Oh, no, let me help you. I was one of your patients. You just injected me with something and called me a paranoid skits. Well, and also, okay. So here's how a Hollywood, this moment is the car. She gets out the last second. The car falls off the bridge and then halfway down to the water, it explodes. For all the air, it's being touched. Because it's a car.

It's a movie. That's what it should say. Honestly, if the words because it's a car and it's a movie had just appeared over the side of the bridge. I should be the title of this movie. Well, I love to that. They put like before they put her in the car that was going 45 miles an hour the wrong way with cut brake lines on a busy highway on a bridge before they they did that, they put alcohol, an open bottle of alcohol and some drugs just scattered around in the floorboard and shit. Why? Right? This car exploded on its way into a river. What the fuck? What is that going to do? Fish cop. Fish cop. Merman cop is like, one of those classic drunken explosion car, mid-air car explosions.

And then we get what we get this amazing moment where she calls Jimmy Smith. And she's like, Hey, I'm still alive. I don't want you to do anything. Don't tell anyone that I called you. It's like, why did you? Why did you talk to them? Then that's it makes it. All right. So then we get my favorite scene in the whole fucking movie. Oh, it is. Oh, absolutely. This is the disc. Jesus give you candy,

see? Right. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So, yeah. So he, so Rufusual pulls up his limo in this alley and in Brooklyn somewhere or whatever. And he's got Cody with him middle of the night And he's given the you have special magic power speech Which starts with hey you remember way back at the beginning of the movie when the lady was talking about the star That was the day you were born, huh? Yeah, there's a point pointed at you even though we know it wasn't because the lady is talking about the star And then she comes home to find you being nine days. It's fine. It's fine But I also love he says Cody do you love God?

We're gonna fix that and I really wanted to pan up. She's just he's just taking her to a god awful movies live show An intelligent squared debate. Yeah, so they walk into the alley. He's holding the gas can. They come across this homeless guy muttering to himself. He's like, wow, must suck to be mentally ill. I guess he'd be better off burning to death under his own power, huh? Well self-imulation.

You didn't think we could get more problematic about the mentally ill than your character digi coding So Rufus comes up he sets down the gas can in some matches and he does some like Bucket Harry Potter spells at them Flash cut to Rudy Giuliani taking notes in his mayor's office Flash cut to Rudy Giuliani taking notes in his mayor's office. Oh, she was crying. All right. I gotta get some of these. Also, you just gotta give them gas and matches, huh?

All right. They'll take care of it themselves. I don't have to kill a bunch of guys on Christmas. Thank you. So, yeah. So he says his magic state towards. He draws his magic state and symbol in the ground and the guy is like, yeah, no, you're right. Now that you, I hadn't thought about it guy's like, yeah, no, you're right.

Now that you may, I hadn't thought about it like that, but yeah, let me dust myself in gasoline and then light myself on fire. I also just in the sector's credit, like they gave me a can and it's obviously full, like cold, unpleasant water. So he, he should do it over his head. But he's like, oh, it got me right in the shirt. I'm not an over five. I'm not making enough money to dump gas over my head. Yeah, so he's all covered in gasoline. He lights the match, but then Cody goes and blows

the match out. And then she gives the man, Dauston Gasolina, great big hug. Yeah, that's how she heals people. Okay, this is super important. She goes, he hasn't forgotten you. Okay, okay. She says that, then they walk away and Eric murders him. Yes. Right. Oh my God. He just lights the house.

Very much has forgotten you. Yes, and Rufusul looks up at God and he's like, oh, damn it, you had a blowout to match. That was good. I didn't see that coming. And then yeah, lights the zip-o-way, then throw, sit at the guy. Well, out the mesh. That was good. I didn't see that coming. And then he lights a zip-o-way, then throws it at the guy and catches him on fire.

Which, according to the girl's own thesis, God was like, yeah, that's a good ending. That's kind of... That's... It's very internally consistent this one. Yeah. And he does the whole, like he lights the guy on fire and then walks away in slow motion, all badass. Oh, and like it has like a black shadow, which is lame.

So Satan. All right. Well, I'll tell you what that pile of cliches is probably the closest thing this movie has to a high point. So we're going to pause there. But first, let me give you the act through the hard. So Ken Kim basing her act in time was her last name, a trial run for the whole gift gift debate.

Will the master of temptation ever find a more convincing argument than come on worship Satan call? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the credits are rolling so it must be over conclusion of bless the child. Hey podcast listener, I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions. And I'm Emmy award winner Cara Santa Maria. Guys, you don't have to write that every time I introduce myself in an ad. Of course we do. So it makes us seem legit.

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No, no, not catboys. Eli. Eli. Oh, oh yeah, no, okay, that's fair. That is fair. Oh, cancer, cancer, AIDS, cancer. Geez, these people are so boring. Excuse me, Mr. God. Oh, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Gays, Not exactly, sir. There's a Satanist cult that's kidnapped her and it's trying to turn her to Satan in like a black Easter thing.

Right. Right. Rough. So, so we're wondering if we could help her or like the cops or really anyone? Oh, well, those ways don't sound very mysterious now, do they? Yeah, no, you say that a lot, but like like Satan has now sent several demons and he gave a guy bullet stealing powers. So bullet stealing powers exactly? Oh, oh okay, I can give you, um, one magical black channel who says good job and a lady holding a subway door open. Seriously? Come on.

Mysterious ways guys my hands are tied here. If we worked for the other guy at least we get to meet Dave Chappelle. I'm sorry what was that? Nothing. Be cool. And we're back for yet more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin our hero going to church to see if maybe God can do anything about the Saint magic because you know how atheists are when things get bad enough. There you go to church and be Christian. Yeah, right. Yeah, that whole foxhole thing. And the non-lady comes over and she's like, oh, sorry, I was yelling at your boss, but he's really beefing it these days. It's what you could talk to him. Yeah, fucking sister married, no plate spinning.

She's like, oh yeah, Dory, I know the whole info dump. Here we go. Yeah, it's weird. And this is so fucking stupid. This is how poorly written this movie is. They have the nun take her to another character who knows all about the plot. We haven't insulted all disabled people yet. So we have a random person in a wheelchair.

We'd like to introduce you to in the next scene. Right. He'll be doing the next exposition dump. But he's got paintings. He's got paintings. He's gonna do it as Dr. Strange Love. That's right. He's gonna be what happens in this scene.

More or less. Yeah, so before we can get to him, we have a brief moment where Cody catches Rufus Sule shooting mommy up with some heroin. Oh, right. That's very important. Dark keeping keeping her all drugged up. And then the nuntakes came to see this disabled guy,

father, grisome as the character's name. He was the priest. It was too hot for the Vatican. They couldn't handle his truth. And he is, he is auditioning for his Netflix special here. He's like, fucking SJWs in the rejection of evil. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He literally says nowadays, the concept of evil is politically incorrect. Yes. Libs owned. Yes. The devil's greatest achievement was that line from the usual suspect. He gets wrong. He's like, the devil's greatest achievement was that the God isn't, no, wait, he is there, but God is not. Yeah. And that's also this weird thing that comes up in all

of these fucking devil magic movies. If you're fucking around and you realize that devil magic is real, don't you instantly become a Christian? I would. I would. Oh, devil magic's real. That means this buddy's probably real. All right. Who but he's spubbity. I'm a Christian now. Yes. This is like the biggest fallacy. Like I remember when I first came out to my dad as like not religious as an atheist. And he was like, mmm, she worship Satan. I don't know, you don't know, you're missing the point. I don't believe in that guy either. Yeah. They go hand in hand. Well, I also, I don't want to gloss over this either. So she goes in and she's like, yeah, so I've been seeing demons and shit and he's like, yeah, those are totally legitimate. Your visions are actually happening. Demonic attacks

are very common. They've happened all throughout history. He has never met this woman and knows nothing at all about her. This is just a stranger coming in and saying, yeah, I'm seeing demon. He's like, yeah, I probably say it in a tech and yeah. And there's your problem right there. Another person walks in, hi, I'm here for the open house.

Yeah, demon attacks. I can tell. You know what? I can tell. And she goes, Yeah, demon attacks. I can tell. And she goes, well, so what do I do? He's like, you no matter what, you have to get that kid back. And she's like, well, that's the thing I've spent the whole movie trying to do. And he's like, oh, well, I guess I just I'm just here to insult people with limited mobility. I reckon I don't know what I'm doing here. Then I had a lot of paintings that I lit up at apropos moments in my story, but I'm in the mat.

Yeah, look at that. Where does he live? He lives in the Vatican basement. What are you doing? In a slideshow about the problem of atheists. Right. Yes. I really wanted him to click on a thing,

and it's just like, you know, John Malchovic not learning his lines on time He's like, shit, sorry, that's for a different slideshow. I'm doing a different thing later. So and then she's like he's like, okay Well, I guess I'm fucking useless. How about I have a sidekick that just Apparently stands next to me in case I he's ever needed for any side kicking. Oh right. He materialized He was not in that scene. No, right. He materialized. Yes. He was not in that scene. I am in the movie now.

I was the one turning all the lights on. Yeah, right. He turns on the last lightness just to do. And he's like, okay, sorry. That's I should have warned you that he's been here the whole time. Top scare. All right. Okay.

So, so apparently Rufusool is upset because he was not able to turn Cody to the powers of the dark side with the, come on, like that guy on fire trick. So now he's going to take her to the roof and say, okay, either jump off the roof or love Satan. Right. Oh, yeah. He does the weird thing where it's supposed to be like the with trial thing, like either you float and that means you that means you're a devil or you sink and that means you're not a devil, but either way you're dead, right?

Oh, yeah. And that's sort of his trick with her, but it doesn't make sense because the whole point is he wants her alive. So he's like, if you jump and you live, you like Satan, I don't get this part at all. It doesn't make sense. Right, so she says,

well, if God loves you Then he would catch you if you jumped off the building So if you love God jump off the building if you don't then I know that you really love Satan And I'm like, did you can't trick her into this though, right? Like if you say you know fucking Satan says what or whatever As a conversion would you say that you don't not, not not love the thing you're doing? And then we have this dramatic moment. I'm just like, where is the drama?

And what are we supposed to be? We're supposed to be sitting here going, is she gonna jump? I know, it's so stupid. He's, and he basically almost pushes her off. Yeah. And then has, I don't get this part where he's like a twinkle in his eye

where he's like, shit, I'm sorry, I'm human. And I didn't mean to do that. Like he has a moment of regret which is not in keeping of his character because he's satanic. It's because she's saying him so hard. Yes. Oh, you're right.

He's like, yeah, real believers jump off buildings and she's like, after you. And he's like, oh, you sing me so hard, I might Oh, you're right. He's like, yeah, real believers jump off buildings and she's like, after you. And he's like, oh, you think me so hard. I might throw you off this building. But then he's like, no, no, I need to sacrifice you to Satan. That was, that was a good roast Cody. That was a good roast. You got me good.

It hurts a lot. It hurts a lot. All right. So that was the next morning. Jimmy Smith is checking on that burn to death homeless guy. There's got to be a cop there going like, wait, FBI FBI a cult guy. This has nothing to do with a cultism. This is just some guy burned to death. He's like, guys, there's a very obvious satanic symbol right there. Okay. But also there's only four of us in the city. You're going to see

me. Right. This is how this works. Guys, we spent three decades creating a panic anytime there was a star near anything. Right. There's literally Satan symbols right here on the ground, next to the body. Oh, and they, and he says to the other copy says, and I quote, it's a druid rune spell straight out of the 16th century. Okay. So let me, let me just see if I can catalog how many ways I can tell you that that's wrong. First of all, there were no druids in the fucking

16th century. They're gone by the 11th. Secondly, druids didn't use runes. That's entirely different type of pagans. Thirdly, it's not a spell. It's a symbol. I think I got it least for. That's yeah. Yeah. If we can find a flaw in straight out of, it's the whole sentence. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, that symbol was never used for anything by anyone anywhere.

So there's another. Yeah. That's one incorrect thing every two words in that sentence. You know those satanic druids. They were very much believed in the God of Christ. Okay. So then we have to cut over to him and the new sidekick, the new presidekick, following Rufus's limo to the dentist so they can kidnap Cody there. following Rufus's limo to the dentist so they can kidnap Cody there. Oh, and I want to throw out here.

I was like, if there's a Satanic dentist, I'm going to be fucking psyched. And this movie delivers a Satanic dentist. Oh, he's a Satanic dentist. Yeah, she walks in and they have the, there is no God pamphlets from the cult, but for kids. Yeah, right. Yeah. Wait, she looks in that. She looks, oh, I love this so much.

Okay, first of all, we skipped that it's Easter Eve, which is a thing. Oh, you're right. Yeah, it's Easter Eve. I don't know that. Which means that it's Saturday. So she's going on a Saturday dentist visit. And then she's looking up on the list.

You know, you go to the doctor's office, but there's like a million doctors. You have to look on the list to find the right doctor. And he's on the list under pito-dontist. That's what a kid's dentist is called. A pedodontist? Are you serious? That can't be real.

That can't be real. She's at the pito-dontist. And it's not a kid's dentist office at all. It's definitely an adult dentist office. It's just generic watercolor art. There's no toys or cartoons anywhere. Right. It's weird. This whole scene is weird. Yeah, but that's all it takes to find her. Apparently she walks in there and she said the dentist is like, basically, she just like snagges the kid out from under his instruments and she's like, I'll be right back with this one. Bye. Yeah. That did happen. Yeah. And while she's gone,

a nanny lady comes and remember the guy who appeared in the last scene, well, here's why he appeared so that nanny lady could stab him in both eyes with knitting needles. I kind of like that. I loved that. So goddamn much like this movie really needed to wake me. The fuck up and did it. It did. It definitely did. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, we have the dentist chase.

He escapes to the subway. She gets on the train at the last possible second and evil nanny demon lady is right behind them, but she doesn't get there in time. And she turns into a literal demon when she misses them by the way, like out of anger. I do that sometimes when I'm like, because if it's especially if it's late at night, you know, it's going to be 20 goddamn minutes for the next train. I really wanted her to like turn around to the people around her and be like, sorry, sorry, I have diabetes.

And some, well, so okay, what I love is she, she turns into a Medusa looking demon. As she's chasing it, she hits the window and the window breaks and then the train just keeps going. I'm like, you went full demon form for just a break of fucking window. Oh, yeah. Just to point. Ah, fuck. God, dammit. And again, nobody seems concerned by it. Well, look, hey, I lived in New York City for long enough. If the lady turned into a demon and cracked a window in front of me, I'd just be like, I swear to God, if you make the A train lady, I'm going to lose my fuck. Turn into a demon on the fucking BDFM line. Okay. And then, okay. So then we get the cops to show up at that. They've got a warrant for that house in Queens that she visited earlier, but Rufus Suel apparently knew they were coming in.

And so he's abandoned and he's he's cleared the house out. Yeah. Okay. But they haven't cleared it out enough because master detective Jimmy Smith finds traces of blood in the drain and the basement. Okay, they haven't, okay, we'll get to it when we get to it. This is the silliest, funniest part of the movie. Oh, I love it to death. Yeah. Okay. So now, so Kim, I guess she's got Cody and she's

driving to a safe house that the nun told her about in Vermont, right? Okay. Drive her kids to a bunch of Catholics. What's the worst that could happen? We also see throughout this drive, because we see a couple shots of the drive and she's always being followed by Satan thugs that are conveniently planted everywhere. Okay, this is the thing. This is the right ever fucking gets right because they just stop at some gas station to use the bathroom

and we see some like satanic dude going, uh-huh, that's the one they're looking for and grabbing a pay phone. Yeah, I really wanted like a flash cut to all the Satanists hanging out at all the gas stations she

didn't stop at. Happened for like three and a half days. Can I come back and do some more bad thing stuff? So yeah, oh, and that, but on our way into this gas station, Cody hugs the cancer out of some cancer lady. Yeah, what is the point of this scene? We never see her be cured though.

She just hugs the lady through that. Yeah, probably right after fucking asshole litter on fire. I just walked up and if Eric was in the background lighting that lady on fire, this is my favorite movie. I think that is what happened. In my mind, that's what happened. Well, he does show up right after that, right? Because apparently it takes them as long to use the bathroom as it takes him to get from wherever he was to that gas station. Vermont. It's just south of Albany. Thank you. They say IBS suffers are everywhere.

No, we are. So yeah, and I love to that. So he has to haul ass to get to that gas station quick to get the girl. So they take the limo. We got this great bit where there's a limo chasing. I'm just like, I feel like you just make a bunch of tight turns, right? Honestly, literally just stands next to a tree.

And it's just like, oh, God, she's got it. Oh, man. But yeah, so, but there's a cop ahead of her, right? So she gets ahead of the cop, runs him off the road, you know, to get his attention because there's literally no other way to get a cop's attention. He runs over to her side window. We do that to you.

Not you don't do that to us. Yeah. Are you crazy? If you were a black guy, oh, yeah. And that's the, that's the weird thing about the scene, right? Is that it's like, she keeps getting vindicated, but there's no reason for it.

Like the cop pulls her over and he's like yelling at her and she's like, no, they're Satan is after me and he's like, that's insane. You're an insane, up. And then Satan runs him over. Right, exactly. Well, and then, yeah, so they catch Kim, they get the girl and the entire last 15 minutes of the movie were on none. Right. Hey, guys, none of it mattered. Hooray.

Hey, none of it mattered anyway. Oh, that's true. That's true. So, okay. So meanwhile, Jimmy's back at the house in Brooklyn just forensicing his ass off, right? Okay. So I have to explain to the younger listeners, I don't know if this is still a trope in a movie, but there was a glorious period from I'm going to say 1992 to 2003 when every crime movie was like, you know, if you shine black lights, it's stuff you could see it. Of course. So this is the big reveal. And it could not be sillier or Mark cartoonish. The blood is like, oh, no, I am being stabbed. And then someone has like taken the blood and drawn it into the left leaning fork symbol.

Yeah, it's the stupid goddamn, they hid everything in the house. They got, they washed away everything so that nobody could find anything. But hey, hey, hey, in case they think you're using the black light thing, let's do the symbol. Oh, right. You know, I really wanted like a grocery list next to it by milk size to have the blood now, and I don't know if I can. I thought those things were if I don't write it now, I'm going to be fucking fucked. I love to.

Can Basinger calls him. She's like, Jimmy Smiths, they have Cody and he's like, I was not ever aware that they unhatted her. Remember that I you haven't contacted me since you got her. How did the movie have I been in? Would you say? Because I counted 87 lines and I don't see that. She's like, I'm in a diner just south of Albany. He's like, yeah, no, I know the one. No, I'll be right there. There's also got kids hanging out there. Yeah, right. I don't know.

I don't remember there. Be careful. Don't let him use the pay phone. So yeah, but he's going to take a helicopter. Now he's like, look, we're getting really close to the finale here. I, if I'm going to get in a helicopter in this movie, now is my last chance, really. Yeah. Wait, there was a helicopter.

I must have gotten up and gotten some cereal or something. Yeah, helicopter, into the diner. Yeah. But literally if you look at my notes, they just say things at this point. Like, do you think nuns here well under their habits? And their users are always over. I'm clearly not paying attention at all. Like all Santa Maria notes, they devolve from multiple lines to single lines to the last ones

are just the word Kara. Just uh, er, yeah. Sometimes she inserts images of her with her more famous friends. I just make sure it's of my Emmy. Yeah. We've little tears drawn on them in Photoshop. So yeah, but so he arrives at the die. I love the idea to have gotten in a chopper and go and take me to the diner south of the

open. He, but they do. They managed to find it. So, okay, and he gets there to the diner to set up in the big finale. Then we have to cut over to Rufus. It is creepy Albany estate where the re re re kidnappers arrive with Cody. So he says, okay, last year, you have to decide whether to worship in the estate where the re re re kidnappers arrive with Cody. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So he says, okay, last chance you have to decide whether to worship Satan or die for Jesus.

And she's like, really? You're not going to do a, like a big dead guy or fall based thing here, just we're just going to sit around a table and ask now, huh? But she's a kid. So he's like, okay, Cody, last chance. I'm going to count to three and then you need to commit yourself to Satan. One, two, two and a half worship Satan. Yeah.

And strung out, mom is like, you should totally go with the Satan bit. Trust me. Trust me. And I love that the nanny who we now know is a literal demon. Is a little put off by this. She's like, ah, this video's awkward.

Yes. Well, I love to show that the little girl uses her dovetaming powers to whenever Mr. Shrocket back and forth and all the plates spin a little bit. And then when it's over, Rupus is like, that is a fucking useless ass super power. And I'm going, thank you. They should not just me at least. Just so you know, if you turn over to Satan, you get bullet stealing powers. You're looking to upgrade. I've got a good sell for you.

Oh, there's okay. And then there's this maybe the dumbest scene in the movie, right? We cut back to the none that told her the plot earlier and she's apparently waiting at the safe house in Vermont. She hasn't showed up yet. So she's like, all right, all the nuns come with me. And I wrote my nose that like, if this ends with the fucking nuns storming the compound shorts and at your style or something, I'm it, right? Oh, nun food. Yeah. I was confused by this scene too, because I feel like it was a lot of nuns in one place.

And I don't know why, because I'm not sure what nuns are necessary for, but it somehow seems unsafe. Like you'd wanna spread them out like you do with your backup data. Like you don't wanna put everything on the same drive. Like you need to die, or like your investment. Don't put all your nuns in one basket.

Yeah, you wanna diversify the nuns. Yeah, they form Voltron, if you're not careful. Yeah. diversify the nuns end of this movie to have tension. So he's like, where is everybody in the other cops like there waiting to the end of the movie? Yeah, right. But don't worry, that you can go into the house through the spooky forest. Yeah. I know. He might as well be taking the bullets at a Jimmy Smith's gun as he doesn't And you know what poke out one of your eyes there we go. That's a little bit more attention

No, it's fair and here's a time bomb. It's only got 40 seconds on it. That's cool There's also this great moment where Jimmy Smith is like now I want you to stay in the car Kim Basinger and she's like why the fuck would you bring me here? Yeah, and the first I could be at the diner. There's really there Yeah. And the first I could be at the diner. There's really, there's literally no reason I'm not just at the diner. It's because she's a better cop than he is. Okay, well that's bad.

Like clearly, he's like, I need help with this one. That's the remake though. When we remake this movie, just it keeps cutting back to Kimmy Bee, just like trying the pot roasts. Like, you know, diner pot roasts is always know, Diner Pot roast is always better than you think. Because over better than you think. It's like, Diner steak is always worse. Diner Pot roasts always better. It's worth it.

I'm not saying worth it. All right. So now we get evil librarian getting Cody ready for her big sacrifice. Rose, this one she's in her dressing gown. Yes. And the weird Milky Eye kid is weirdly in her dressing chambers for some reason uh-huh. And the weird milky eyed kid is weirdly in her dressing chambers for some reason. Why do they always dress her so decennzian?

Right, weird. Well, the way they've dressed her is soap is our, we're gonna get to another aspect of it in just a minute here. But first, we have to have this baffling sequence that screams something was cut for right here. We're, Kim Beisinger, who the last time we saw was with

Jimmy Smiths being asked to stay in the car is now breaking into the house and taking a fucking knife from the take a dagger leave a dagger tray that you got you if you're a Satanist you got to have a take a dagger leave a tiger. Yeah, you never know when there's, you're gonna need a sacrifice. But so she's sneaking it to the house. Jimmy Smith is also sneaking that to the house. We have the moment where they run into each other and almost kill each other, but it's fine. They're fine. But then she, okay, I want to break down what happens.

And then I want to talk about what must have been the plan. Yes. Okay. Please. She sees Cody run by in her Keen's in-year address. They go, There's Cody. She goes off to do it. He's going to fight some hoodlums for dramatic timing, right?

She goes Cody's bonking against the door to the Satan church. And then when she grabs her, it's one I'd scary ginger kid, right? Which means that along with the puppy buying kidnapper, you're like, hey, one I'd ginger kid loved the work you did out front of the place the other day. I probably got that money. How would you feel about dressing up as a little girl and doing some rocking back and forth through a little davenang?

And then you do like, I'm looking at me. Huh? Well, it's, it's even dumber than that, right? We're, you're giving it too much credit. Keep in mind, Kim Basinger has not seen Cody in the Kins and Eardress. Right. She doesn't know that her daughter is in a little tiny fucking bridal gown of some sort.

She just sees some, so the kid could have been wearing any clothes. Yeah, that's true. Red-headed kid running away. She'd probably been like, yeah, but they, but apparently I'm thinking he talked him into, he's like, I should be wearing the same dress as her though. I feel like I'm gonna take a seriously. I saw that you guys got two in case she's filled with spaghetti on it.

If you shame, if one of them just didn't get worn at all, are you humming? I feel pretty. No, same stuff. But they grab her and they bring her into the Satanic church and this is where Satan shives up in the form of, oh God, rat ball, Tron. Hey, it's your movies, movies. If you're going to make Satan, try not to make him look like a monkey, just like a monkey

will win. He's like a hornet monkey. Really wanted Satan to like stand up and apologize. Hey, I'm really sorry for these weirdos. I promise I'll take better care of your kid than the Catholic church with. I just, okay, so we see all these rats running and they all joined together to form Satan. And he just stands up and he goes, uh, sorry, CGI will be better later. Oh, my apologies.

Yeah. Did that mean that the rat are the rats gone now where the rat like, is that like a semester away? They come back home and they're like, you're never going to guess what happened to me. So I'm running around the book of the trees. All of a sudden, I'm part of Satan. I was like a shoulder for like half of the day. It was so beautiful.

Does he do anything? This is the worst part. Does he do anything? No, just sits there in a chair. I don't even look at cheese. We're wanting to be here. I think I got some fucking cheese by now. So, okay.

So, meanwhile, the nuns are praying hard and this is the actual prayer. The nuns have all gathered together to pray real hard and they're praying that Kim Basinger will be Christian enough to make it through the final scene. They're like, we pray that she has enough faith in God to make it through the movie. Oh yeah, what? I wrote in my notes, can you guys prematurely do this prayer next time, like a prayer vaccine? Yeah, it would be helpful. Yeah, please.

So, and yeah, they're like, please send some CGI angels, because if we can judge anything by these CGI demons, that's going to be fucking awesome. Sure is. And then we cut back to the child sacrifice, right? They're getting ready to sacrifice her. Kim is not a fan of this idea at all. And she still has that fucking kitchen knife from earlier that she picked up, right? Mm. From the take a knife leave and I've exchanged exactly. Yeah. So meanwhile, Rufus is

going, okay, like I, I, I've been on two and a half for a really long time. You need to say that you love Satan right now. Oh, yeah, he's still counting. It's like my toddler has all these adorable tricks he does now. And it's like when I'm trying to get him, I'm like, where's your head? And he's just like playing with a truck or something. And I'm like, I swear he doesn't. He does point to his head. I'm sorry.

He's embarrassed that you're embarrassing me in front of Satan. Can you show him please? Can you point to this? I'm trucking the 100 words book, please? Because I'm not look I look like an asshole right So then he's like he's like all right all right I'll tell you what if you don't love Satan this very minute. I'm gonna shoot Kim basinger Right and again, I'm like it doesn't kept love Satan says what doesn't fucking count

But just then the cops break in and start dropping gas canisters right in the middle of their child sacrifice. Yeah. I you guys are really good at following every little detail. By this point in the movie, always by the big payoff, I'm half asleep. Yeah. I have no idea what's going on. I my notes say that's a lot of nuns in one place. Then they say Kim Basinger shot all the sudden. I'm password. And then I have some like, Mem is her name. Mem. I don't know what her name is. Oh, good. Can this movie be over now? I just know on the next episode of Good Morning Santa Fair, whatever you're the host of. We're going to see this movie playing in the background. But yes, so okay, so the evil librarian, Nanny demon, she's like,

oh, the cops are here. Quick, shoot the little girl. And he's like, really, now that the cops are here, you want me to okay? All right. So I will and and Kim basing her stabs him and then gets between the kid and the gun and takes a bullet for Cody and dies. Me! Except does she die? Yeah, now fucking Cody is rocking back and forth just like she did with the bird and a glowy angel Amiba shows up right above her. Angels show up like the friend who comes at 8 p.m. on the moving day, just like, hey.

Yeah. Wow, pizza. You got all the boxes. Oh, I love pepperoni. And yeah, so and then Rufus is like, oh, well, you know what, fuck it. It's not gonna work, but I'm gonna just kill this little girl out of spite. Now, so she sends her like Glowie Angel amoeba's at him and then they glow at him and

So he doesn't shoot her. He's like, oh the angels are kind of in the way. It's just like I'm so can you duck down angels? Angel's like, you should duck down to my periphery. It's really hard to get my attention And then Jimmy Smith kicks down the door and just shoots him 22 times in the face like he was a black guy with a Bona or something. Yep. I want the whole movie to grind to a hot while you shoot some just like, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, Yeah, and then we have to have this stupid moment because like apparently somewhere in there script by numbers thing or whatever, it says, well, and then you have to have like somebody heroically rescue somebody at the end. So the church is on fire now and it's about to collapse and everyone has the sense to run out except for Kim and Cody so that Jimmy Smiths can run in and go, come on, let's

run out. And I'm like, yeah, we didn't think of that. Right. But they're like a little too close to the door. So he's like, I'm, oh, you're out. Okay. I was just, I was worried you were not gonna smoke. But then they're like, what about strung out mom?

Right. Let's, let's go ahead and just we'll save her from her own mess too. Right. So she, and she's just standing there going, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, it's again, none of these people are like injured or the nothing, that is like something hasn't fallen on them. There's not like a fire that they have to leap over or whatever. It's just that somebody has to like go and like unfreeze them in a game of tag. To be fair, Kim Baster was shot. But she was shot by the little girl. So, and again, they could have used that, right?

She could have been limping or whatever, but she wasn't. She just runs out her own after he tags her. So yeah, she's so stupid. So okay. And that's it, by the way, the movie movie. Yeah, the fucking Cody is safe and Rufus is spoiled. So we just head back to New York City for the fucking Easter wrap up in the middle of October. I look, there's this great moment where like everybody's just walking around like saying the breakfast

club close out loud. Jimmy's like, so he's just in rehab, huh? And I adopted Cody. I told you, and Cody's like, and I don't know, I don't know, I just am anymore. But here's the best part. I don't know what just them anymore. But here's the best part. This whole ending scene, there's a punky McPunckerson running at them. Oh, yeah, for no reason. Like a fucking Monty Python intro, right? I thought he was going to say it's when he finally got it. He runs.

She turns around and he's like, and then just she hits him with blue steel and he stops trying to stab her. I have no idea what this was supposed to be. Apparently, yeah, she's she's her angelic gaze stops him in his tracks. He drops his knife and runs off. Yeah, nothing like the actors all seem to think that there was going to be some CGI that went with that scene or something. They're right.

There might as well be like a green tennis ball in a stick going to grab. And that's it. That's all. That's just no reason to try and pull a moral out of that story. All I can say is, Cara, thank you so much for hanging out with us again. I don't know why you keep doing it. It's all for the side. And while that's gonna do it for our review,

I'll bless the child, that's all I can do for the episode just yet because we still need to lay a trail of bread crumbs for ourselves next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, if you love the CGI of this week, you're gonna do our next week where we'll be watching Finding Jesus, a Finding Nemo rip off

the internet found in a car wash dollar bin for us. And so now we're gonna take a gander. Oh, lucky us. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode three, 23 to one, merciful, close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for helping out.

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for this podcast, provide a little love, since it's a PM, retourist, timber opposite takes care of a social media I think it was written in a performance by right slot me with a live address on Mars. Although the music was written in a performance by an audience who are more than clickin' while she was with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check out our lights this week for Heathen right now. I'm an Olesons promise to work harder and all the chat next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Cody grew up to become the star of TBS highest grossing show ever. I'm sort of like a Jesus the angel angel-y, profitey type magician.

Give me all your money. Cody also went on to be executed publicly for the sense of mankind. There's kind of the implication of the movie. Christians think this movie is a biopic of Madison Carthorn. 3, 4, 5, 5. Eli, did you forget 4 again? Once more from the top. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021. All right, reserved.