God Awful Movies - 326: Hoovey

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins the guys for an atheist review of Hoovey, the story of careless parents endangering their child for no discernable reason, and then selling that negligence as a feel good story. --- Learn all about Vulgarity for Charity here: https://scathingatheist.com/ If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast

He's got the insta kill button so you absolutely can't have him like, you know, play basketball anything, any head hits the ground type activity you're gonna want to avoid. Yeah, he's like one blow to the head could kill him. Right. And I wrote my notes at this point honestly if the rest of this movie is just about who be doing all the things that aren't basketball. I am in. Right. Yeah. Right.

Right. And a fair having a car, M'label. You're so much stuff you can do. That's not basketball. Literally all but one thing. It's fucking great. Not a full movie. Booby.

Booby. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be Sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Christian people know that there are activities that aren't sports. We're gonna get there. We're gonna get there. They know about breakfast. I know that. And sitting 2400 miles to my west is returning gas massacres and host of talk nerdy Cara Santa Maria Cara. Welcome back. Yeah, that's all enthusiasm. We can really help to master out of you at this point. Sure. But before we get to the movie tonight, I want to remind you that we're right in the middle

of our annual fundraiser of vulgarity for charity. Once again, we're raising money for modest needs, a charity that helps folks who aren't eligible for other kinds of help get back on their feet and avoid poverty. There are 501 C3 charity. So your donation is tax deductible, but you're not just doing a good deed. You're also getting a chance for some sweet, sweet revenge. If

you donate $50 or more and then send us proof to vulgarity for charity at gmail.com. You could hear the victim of your choice. Get the roasting they deserve on air over on scathing atheist or cognitive dissonance. We're going to be doing 200 roasts this year are top 100 donors and 100 folks that we randomly choose. That's right. And since we're doing the random ones first, the sooner you donate, the better chance you have for hearing your roast on air. And I feel like we need to clarify this. It's a pretty good chance.

Yeah. So you should super donate even if you've only got 50 bucks this, this is not some national lottery. Exactly. Exactly. But most of the donors are probably going to get their roasts right out there. Now, we're recording this on Friday. We've already raised over $50,000, which with our anonymous donors match to the first hundred grand, means that we're

already more than $100,000 into this thing, but there's still so much more and so many more people that need your help. So head over to modestneeds.org or check the show notes for more information. Well, Gary for charity, don't tell your ex to go fuck themselves, leave it to the pros. And with that out of the way, tell us, Carol, what will we be breaking down today? Oh, yeah, this movie is called Movie. It's fun to say. Movie? Yeah, every time I put it in, so I have an Apple TV. So when I put it in the search, you can just say your search on Apple TV.

Could not understand what I would say. Not at all. It's like a Scottish person calling 911. They were just like, we can't help you. I'm sorry. This is bad. This is a real bad. That's pretty much the most important thing I have to say about this film.

Alright. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. All right. So and Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love listening to Aaron Rogers, explain why he won't get vaccinated, but you wish the free market solution was the absolute poverty of more movie character. You will love this movie.

Oh, that's the darkest. There's so many darkest parts of this. But yeah, I think that one is the darkest. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst act? I mean, I think so far, and how many of these have I done with you guys too many? I don't count it too depressing. I think this might have been the best worst acting. Really?

I don't know. I mean, I've done a lot of these and none of them are good. But wow was the acting in this movie bad? The main character and the actress have played his sister were so spectacularly bad that like they, they brought everyone else down to their level somehow. Yeah. It was, it was, and I was just bored. You know, like, there's the bad, there's the movies that are so bad, they're funny somehow. Yeah. It was, and I was just bored. You know, like, there's the bad, there's the movies that are so bad, they're funny, there's

the movies that are so bad, they're cringy. This one I was just like, wait, what? You've lost me. I just kept wandering. I literally just kept wandering away from the TV and then I was like, no, I'm at work right now. I have to do it. Yeah.

This is the movie version of filling your mouth with white bread and just being like, well, I don't know how to extricate this from my body All right, so I took the easy one and apologies for that I went with best worst breakfast club clothes Oh, yeah, yeah, we're gonna get there I'm not gonna spoil it now But if at any point during this room because this is a review about a kid who gets a brain tumor and then overcomes all the odds to live his dream and play college basketball, but that's it. Right.

Are we done? You just stop right now. That's the whole fucking movie. Nothing else. So, but there will be points where you're going to think to yourself, oh, come on, guys, go easy on this poor brain tumor family. Just wait for this movie's breakfast club clothes. You will no longer have sympathy.

Trust me. Yeah. We promise everyone deserves it. Yeah. And see, I'm going to go with best where stakes because as Noah mentioned, the circumstances of this movie are a kid gets brain tumor, but the stakes are if your kid plays basketball, he might die. Should he play basketball or do literally any other human activity

and not die in the movies like tricky. Yes, tricky. And ultimately gets it wrong. Yep. And can we be just be clear about this? And I know we'll get there, but this is not like a kid who was born to play basketball. This is like a five foot nine. It doesn't end up in an edit. He's not a basketball like what? He is not a basketball player. Now right now, this is based on a true story. He is not a, this is a movie about a person who eventually went, I don't know if I care

that much about basketball. He played for like Carl Sandberg universe, and who knew that was the thing? I don't like Carl Sandberg, but anyway, and look, I know we make this look easy, but Tarenin to feel good stories about children with brain tumors is actually tricky. So we're gonna need a pause to warm up,

but we'll be back in a minute with all the clunky dialogue and zero dimensional characters that are hoovy. Oh, M G Kara, you look amazing girl. Thank you so much for having brunch with me. Hi Stephanie. I feel like we never catch up anymore since I knew you in high school. Yeah, you know, just busy. Have you seen the waiter with our bloody Mary's? So are you still a weather girl? That's like so amazing for you. I'm so proud of your journey. No, I was never a weather girl. I'm actually a science. Oh, MG, that's so amazing for you. Yes. Anyway, ta-da. Oh, you got engaged. Yeah. I finally told chat. You cannot buy another monster energy hat unless there is a ring on this finger.

And so he said, and I quote, find whatever. That's so romantic. Right. I'm like a princess. This is a diamond princess chocolate pure cut Bing Bong Willy Wong. Nice. Okay. So what about chat?

Did he get a nice wedding band? What? Oh no, he's a guy. They don't make nice wedding bands for guys. No, actually they do at ManlyBands.com. Wait one second, I'm replying to an instant message. L-O-L-U-B-A-T. I could really use that bloody Mary. Sorry, you were saying what's ManlyBans.com? ManlyBans offers your hand the freedom to look how you want it.

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or use promo code awful to get 25% off now through Cyber Monday. That's 25% off at manlybans.com slash awful or use promo code awful. Awesome. Oh, I just had an idea. Are you on TikTok? You could do the weather on TikTok. I'm not a, you know what Stephanie, that's a great idea. Yes. I, I yes Okay All right everybody gather around this is Mrs. Elliot We're gonna be making a movie about her son's fantastic recovery from brain surgery Oh, that's right. That's fantastic. That's great. Hi everyone. Thank you so much truly Who-V story is one of perseverance and the goodness of God?

I'm sorry. Um, did you. Did you say, who, Vee? Oh, yes. That's his nickname ever since he was a kid. He got his arm stuck in a vacuum cleaner. Oh, that's cute. Cute, is it? It seems kind of like bad parenting to me. Any ways, Rick.

If you tell us your story Mrs. Mrs. Elliott. Right, right. So, Hoover had a brain tumor. And when the doctor removed it, he told us that if Hoover continued to play basketball, he could die. Oh, that's rough. So what did he end up doing? Stan.

He played basketball. What? Uh oh. So it turned out the doctors were wrong. And he was actually fine to play basketball. Yeah. Oh, oh no, he was very much in danger. So, so wait, you just, you guys just let him play basketball, even though that could kill him. Well, he'd really liked to basketball. Sure. Yeah. No, a lot of 17 year olds know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. Okay, I'm a bot, but I am sure that who V is now an NBA player, right?

So it was all worth the risk. Oh no, he played a little in college, but no, he's not a professional basketball player. What? Okay, so let me be clear here, you risked your son's life for a sport he would give up on his own a few years later anyway. Yes.

I gotta be honest, I'm not sure how we can make a movie about that. Well, maybe you can put like, sad and exciting music in it? Oh yeah, no wait, that'll work. Yeah, sad and exciting music, that does it every time. I'm a bad mom. Such a bad mom! And we're back for the breakdown and in an accidental early hand tip, we're going

to open up on one of those bullshit productivity seminars. We're like, it fucking the Amway Regional Convention or whatever. Yeah. You know how like if you sell enough cut co knives, they'll give you six minutes on stage at a convention center off the Vegas strip. That's where we're going to start our movie. I was very confused. I was, you know, I feel like you guys are like these weird anthropologists who discovered this whole culture. I'm like, oh, all of this exists just below the surface.

And none of us even knew about it. Yeah. Yeah. That's why we're here. So yes, so she's given her motivational speech. So already bad, but then she starts off with sort of a, let me tell you about my kid. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm leaving.

I'm, I don't smoke, but I take a smoke break now then. Yeah, her point starts with basically, my life didn't start till I had a baby. And I wrote, ooh, who had zero seconds for sexism? Yeah, she's like, but you know, families are miracles that happen every day. And I'm like, this whole mundane occurrence is a miracle thing. Really needs to look up the definition of miracle. I was also, and now that I have more context, which we all will soon enough, I was very confused by why this woman was basically doing it because it said it like business seminar talk.

Yeah. Right, yeah, she's just gonna tell us the story of her kid. Yeah, like what, I don't care. What is this have to do with business? All right, so my theory because this movie is like an hour and 31 minutes or something, is that the movie was made, they realized it was only an hour and 28 minutes long

and they put this frame of her at this convention on either side of it just to make that 90 minutes. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, We have this little home movie intro as she's talking about her and her husband having a baby. And her husband is played by Patrick Warburton. Yep. Crunk Joe from Family Guy. So how did you run out of crock money? Patrick Warburton.

It's funny because I like obviously everybody knows who this guy is, but I didn't know where I knew him from. Is he in like insurance commercials? Yeah, probably. Okay. He is the deep voice guy in so many things and it doesn't excellent job in this movie, but every time he speaks no matter how tragic the scene, I'm like, it's Joe from Family Guy.

I don't even think he doesn't excellent job in this movie. To be fair, he, I think you're just, you're just like taken by his like cool voice because the truth is he has no emotion in his voice ever. I think honestly it's, it's more a case of like, you know, you're comparing him to the other actors in this film. That's fair. Yeah. By comparison, he's like Anthony Hopkins. So maybe I just, I've done that in my head.

Yeah. So I love that at the beginning, she's giving like we said we said this like weird kind of it's just all exposition like let me give you all the background so that we can dive into the story because we only have so much film and she's talking about her kids and she literally says the line Jen was a born runner and jumper What's a jumper? A board jumper? Like what a weird thing to say about your daughter cut to the maternity ward. We see this kid bounce it off the walls. Oh my God. You know what? That's on me.

That's on me. Another born jumper. We get them all the time. Yeah. So and honestly, I love this fucking Meg Griffin character that we get here. This actor is terrible, but they just keep like sticking to her in like, you know, her brother has a whole movie about him. So they want to make sure she gets a few things to there's just. Yeah. So obviously what happened. She was

like, so they're making a movie about a hoover. Am I in it? And the parents as they were working on the screenplay was like, are you in it? Desperately scribbling in pencil. Of course. You're in it, honey. A tie, my God. Born runner and temper. Right, so but we learn that she's a born runner and jumper and her brother, who we will get to the day in a minute was born with the power of divine basketball site. Yeah. Apparently. Also, I just want to throw this out there. They do that thing that movies do where they take older actors and they try and show home videos of when they're younger and like, look, I've aged like a tuna fish sandwich on a card dashboard, but these people do not look like high school sweethearts, which is what the narrative is telling us.

Yeah. They look like high school sweethearts who did their prom inside the Ark of the Covenant. Yeah, but so then mid opening monologue, we see who the collapse on court, as if to say, don't worry, this movie will eventually have things going on. And then we get what I'm calling second credits. Yep, right. This was the original credits before they realized they didn't quite make 90 minutes. So we've got credits rolling over the, this ranch that they live who've he's waking up with a basketball already and his hand and the thing that I can't get past in this whole scene

It's the only thing that matters to me and it matters multiple times throughout the movie is why is his bedroom so ugly Like why in every film and actually in real life to add to that are due teenage boys have the ugliest bedrooms? Okay, as someone who had bright yellow walls a bright blue ceiling and a Quest 64 and Turok 64 poster next to his bed. Uh, not everyone can't know. We are old and apology. So he has he has plaid wallpaper. Yep. And a brown metal bed. Do they make brown metal beds?

Yeah. Did he buy a regular metal bed and spray paint it brown? Because he was like, that's too gay. I need to make it more masculine. Yeah. Like I just couldn't. What was that? Do you sell a bedroom set that's just a smoking pipe. Yes, we do

here come right this way. So he goes outside and dad challenges him to some early morning basket balling right. Yeah on the farm. So they're like dribbling on grass. I'm not sure how that works, but they're making it work. Yeah. And then we also again with this desperate effort to make the sister a character too. We have her waking up for her morning run and she doesn't like running making it work. Yeah. And then we also again, with this desperate effort to make the sister a character to we have her waking up for her morning run and she doesn't like running anymore. She wants to be in the play and stead. I wrote my notes based on her performance in the movie so far, I would not recommend switching from running to what I love so much is this entire movie, the premise of this movie is that even if you were to get, you know, you could die at any moment from falling, you should always follow

your dreams unless you're a girl in which case you should stay on your fucking track team. Yeah. Or give up your dreams. Who cares? You don't exist. Right. Because we never revisit this.

She's like, but I want to be in the play and they're like, no, you're going to run. She's like, okay. And that's it. You're right. Yeah. I'll tell you what, kids, whoever of you gets the rarest disease this year. We will focus on their sports career. Yeah.

So, oh, and of course, this is also where we learn that hoovy is having a really bad case of brain blurs. Yeah. You know what, even before, or maybe this is supposed to be part of the brain blur, but there's the part where the dad is trying to give him like dad sports advice Mm-hmm, and he's like you're the best of the best But you're you're only gonna be bad if you don't figure out how to go left

Do you remember this weird scene? Yeah, he's like every time you go right They're gonna figure it out you gotta go left and he's like going left is hard. And I'm like, wait, this, this kid's supposed to be amazing at basketball. And he can only turn right. I can't turn left. Right, Maury? You know, I can't turn left. Well, and of course, I thought this was their sloppy way of setting this up that like later in the movie, he's going to go left and it'll be like using the fucking crane technique to my knowledge. They don't know. No, I don't think anything happened.

Like, there's just a lot of, there's a lot of spite at like setting up the ball that never gets spiked in the right. Yeah, exactly. This is also and we've done so many my kid almost died movies now. This is also that great exposition where they're like, our kid did have a lot of symptoms that a good parent would have looked into, but you know, be a jerk. Okay. Don't be a jerk. Sometimes you wait until your kids tumors, the size of a golf ball before you look into an orange. The size of an orange. That was that big. Yeah. Well, right. Cause he's like, you know, he falls down. He's just like, Oh, my vision got

weird and I fell down again. And his dad's like, I'll tell you what, you know, we're going to take you to the doctor about one of those things if they get any worse. I'm like, that's a first brain blur solution. Okay. Look, when both nostrils start spontaneously bleeding, that's when we're going to go see Dr. Hutchinson, okay? Oh, no. Yeah.

Yeah. And just as you're thinking, well, at least we didn't meet him at breakfast. They all sit down for breakfast. Sure do. And then they take Hoovy to the goddamn eye doctor. They're like, hey, eye doctor, he's just falling down when he tries to stand up. This probably vision related, right? The eye doctor's like, I'll take your money.

Yep. Follows my secret theory and do not tweet at me because you know it's true. Eye doctors are faking it. There's no such thing as a palm tree. Oh God. Eli, so much education, so little time. Okay.

So dad's taken a hoovy to school. He's got his new glasses. He doesn't like them very much. He looks to gnerd. Yeah, nerdy. He's gonna get his ass kicked. Right. He's also where he gives him his grandfathers crucifix Christian movie. Oh, I got so excited. I was hoping that it was like it gonna be cursed and then I realized it's not Halloween. No, not that kind of movie at all.

Well, and his dad says, hey, you know, I know this is a pretty random time to do this, but I want to give you my dad's cross necklace. And he's like, why would you do that right now? I was like, so that everybody will know that it is a Christian movie, total accounts. Sorry, it's been four minutes. And if we don't show a crucifix, the dove channel people shut it off and start crying.

So we're gonna get it in there. So who be goes to school? And immediately like his friend comes up and says, hey, who be have you heard about your new rival? He's a point guard just like you, but way better. And who be's like, I guess as long as he's not the only other person of color in the movie, that will be fine.

Oh, wow. Yep. So, and okay, so we, and then we like immediately cut from that to the basketball triads, right? Which are so confusing because nothing up to this point has told us that this is the first day of school or anything. Right. Like it's like midseason already, but they don't, I'm so confused because the coach is like, hi, I'm your coach.

Let me introduce myself as your coach. And I'm like, how do they not know their coach? Right. I just, the other coach die. What happened? And like, they've been talking for a while about how this kid is like the star player of the team. So how, why is he trying out for the team? He's already the star player of, and also the coach is the Baylor from Nightcore. It's Mack. Yep. Did you guys recognize that? Oh, was he.

Yep. Yes. I was like, how do I know this guy? And then I looked him up and what's so sad as he died this year. Oh. Yeah, from cancer. That's sad.

He was also, you know, older. Yeah, well, right. You know, you can tell. But like, it's pretty sad. I like him in Nightcouch. He was actually like one of the better actors in this film. I mean, he had a terrible script. He was working with, but.

Well, exactly. The script was ridiculous. He starts giving his little coach. And by the way, the music behind him would embarrass Captain America during this fucking speech, right? If you buried a soldier to this music, they would burst out of their coffin and be like, a little bit much,

a little bit much. But yeah, he does this whole thing about the power of we and how you don't just represent yourself out on that court. You represent your family nine generations back and their home nation and the pride of the veterans that died in World War II, just fucking ridiculous. Face down in the mud. Very weird. Very weird speech. The kids all look very confused. Yeah.

And apparently by the way, basketball tryouts in this school happen in the middle of the fucking school day. Yup, fourth period basketball tryouts. I remember that class. Why? So yeah, because we cut right from that to he's back in school. Maybe this is another day. I don't fucking know, but this is where he's just like he runs into this girl and he's like, Oh, are you the love interest? She says sure am beloved risk.

Nice. Are we gonna fuck? No, no, this is a Christian movie. So am I gonna have a personality? No, no, this is a Christian movie. I mean, this yeah, and this was like just pure reinforcement about the terrible acting in this film. Just she's almost as bad if not worse than him. I don't know how they did that. Crazy billionaire remake. I replace her with a hand puppet. He just pulls up a hand puppet every season. Completely unnecessary. Oh, and what is this weird thing about gravitas? Yeah. You guys remember she's like, you have gravitas, and he's like gravitas.

I love that. And then I made the weird association between, you guys have made me watch a lot of movies that are produced by gravitas ventures. It's true. It's not one of them, right? No. Huh. So I don't get it.

I like that you thought this might have been a deep cut though. Like when fucking Stan Lee shows up in a Marvel movie, they were like gravitas. Well, and the context that comes up in it is she's like, why do people call you a hoover? Right. He's like, right. She's like, your real name is Eric and that has way more gravitas. And this is where he explains that he's called who V because when he was a kid, he got his arm stuck in a vacuum cleaner. I'm the logistics of that. Bacinate me. Yeah. Well, and this is how you know that this is a true story because nobody would write that shit. Clearly, that's just what happened in this family like is not creative and they were like, like the Hoover vacuum, Hoover, you're an idiot. This is the most interesting thing that's ever happened to our family.

Right. Well, now I feel weird about nicknaming my kid split lip on the side of his bed. So now I feel weird. Sorry, that'll split lip. You're going to have to go with your real name. So, meanwhile, Dad's a firefighter, so we see him off heroing. This will never matter. Nope.

Nobody does some A plus firefighting. I reckon, yeah, but that's the thing is that it's realistic firefighting, so it's not in any way cinematic. No, not at all. They didn't have the budget for that. Right, there's a car on fire and I'm like, oh, here comes an explosion. Oh, they didn't get in the form of an explosion.

No, they just sprayed water on it. Yeah. Also, I know that this is how fire people actually get fire people out of cars, but that seems inefficient. Do we always have to rip the door off? Not always. I feel like you try the handle. Yeah, right.

They could have opened, just opened the door. They tried opening. He needed the jaws of life. Oh, okay like you try the handle. Yeah, right. They could have opened just open the door. They tried opening. He needed the jaws of life. Oh, okay. This is the problem. They spend too much time eating chili and they get, they get jumpy with the jaws of life. This is what I'm saying.

All right. So then sometime later, everybody's had a cookout at coach's place and they, they, they're, they're pastoring them about how their kids didn't the tryouts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, is my kid make it? Did they make it on, on the team? And it's like every kid that was there made it't the tryouts. Yeah. Oh, yeah, like does my kid make it? Did they make it on the team?

And it's like every kid that was there made it on the fucking team. Right. Nobody cares. There's four people in this town. You all made it. Nobody cares. Right. Yeah, exactly.

But yeah, everybody's super invested in the, you know, high school basketball around here. So that's the talk of the town. There's also what we learned that the new kid, the rival is coaches nephew. Oh, and to be clear, he has a troubled youths. Yeah. This is very important. Yes, he got into some trouble back in hotlana, his neighborhood. Atlanta. Yeah. Mom got scared and said he was going to move with his uncle and bell air or some such. And no one, no one in this entire movie will be like, okay, this is the only team of color, right?

The coaches black and this kid is black. No one will be like, hey, let's make it feel welcome. Now that he's surrounded by our chalky white goodness, of course, now they're just going to be like, he is up to no good. What a normal thing to think about this person. Remember, their town is literally called normal. Yes. It's full of white people.

Yep. That is their definition of normal. Welcome to the real America. Yep. That is this movie. That is this movie. Ugh. Yeah, well, also the writers of this film had no problem

apparently making the only African American character other than the coach be the troubled youth that was involved in some kind of murder and a sabasca ball project like every stereotype they could think to knock into this kid, they did. Yup, or they did. They'll complete that like bingo card of troubled youth at the last 30 seconds of the movie by the way, but we'll get to it.

Yeah, they will. So and then of course this is where father Steven Baldwin stands up to give a speech. He will never show up in the film again. Okay. Because of the fact that he will never show up in the film again, I am forced to believe that Stephen Baldwin just wandered on to say and was like, excuse me, excuse me, my attention.

I like to make a speech. I've been in several movies with guns and everyone turned out fine. I'm just saying maybe hire me more often. Just hire me more often maybe. Oh, she's. Who is his character? Is he a used car salesman? Is he the local pastor? What is his character? I think he's supposed to be the local pastor. yeah. Okay. Steven Baldwin. Yeah. So they're having like a barbecue outside of the church, and they all go to the same church, of course, because it's normal, Michigan or Oklahoma or some fucking place.

Illinois. There you go. And so they're all, okay, they all go to church on at nighttime after school, and Steven Baldwin says words. Yep. And then they finally get to eat. And then also because we haven't stacked quite enough stereotypes on Donovan, the young man of color,

they go to try to be friends with him and he ain't got time for that for fucking white eat. They will never give him motivation for being a jerk to everyone. Yep. They're just like, hey, welcome to town. And he's like, I'm a youth from the inner city. You're gonna have to break down my walls

with your small, Tammy charm. That I love that you wrote. You like you wrote Donovan is eating menacingly. He is. Come over there. He's just like, nah, nah, nah, chewing on some ribs and staring at them.

Like he knows that he's in this movie. Right, he spends so much time staring evenly at this rival get at the main character So okay, so now we're basketball practicing some more his the dude's dad is sitting in on practice who he's dad It's just goes to basketball practice to watch his kid Practice yeah That's a weird fucking shit though, right? super weird and like does he have a job? I don't know. Maybe there's no fires that day If there's a fire you know where to find me. I'll be at the basketball court Yeah, it's just where I live. I love to I think you deleted it

But when I was looking at the at our notes last night while I was watching this movie You might have put as the scene marker just the word basketball And no, you were like real clear Oh, so no, but now now here's when the stakes are not raised because this movie has no stakes, right? This is when shit goes down. Yeah, he's having who he's having him. So some pretty serious brain blurs. Yeah He falls to the ground. He starts screaming and now it's you know, hey lucky thing dad was at practice He's gonna take him to the hospital But it just so happens that there's a terrible blizzard outside.

Yeah, and there's this tiny moment as he's taking him, he's like, I'll take him and they're like, we should call an ambulance, he's like, liberal ambulances are too slow. I'll pull up my bootstraps and take the kit, and I say, oh, so there's this terrible blizzard, he can't drive like eight feet without running into a ditch and shit through it. Why are the kids at basketball practice? It's so

good because they're about to show him hitting going off the road. And it's obviously one of those things where it came time to shoot that scene. And they were like, why do cars go off the road? Is it because someone just spontaneously turns the wheel? It must be that, right? That's the point. Well, it's also one of those, all right, y'all can use my truck, but don't dint it up or nothing, kind of moments as well.

Right, yeah, this is kind of a nice truck, but this is the weirdest part because they go off the road. The issue is that he's stuck, he's like dug in. And we've all had that before, whether it's like in mud or snow or something like that, where your wheels just turn, because they have no traction. So he calls his wife. Like at this point, I'm losing it,

because he calls his wife to have her send out a tractor. And I'm like, no, but you could still call 911. Yes. You have a working self. No, no. Ambulance will take much less time than my wife and a tractor That's the thing the ambulance can help you when they get that is so bizarre

Yeah, cuz his kid is literally slumped down in the front seat and now there's blood trickling out of his nose And he's like all woozy and altered and he's like it's okay son We've got mom and the tractor and altered and he's like, it's okay son. We've got mom and the tractor on her way. Well, what's so fucking funny? Is he immediately, he jumps out, he's just trying to dig the snow out with his bare hands and be able to pick the car up

and throw it back under the road and shit. And then his cell phone rings. And he's like, right, cell phone. Yes, fuck. Yeah. Oh, what did I think of? Why did I whittle a shelter out of this tarp? I didn't have to eat who the I'm sorry

I ain't her son, but don't worry. Don't worry. That's when a miracle Oh, yeah, the miracle. Yeah, I almost went with best worst mirror. Yes. Oh, man, I should have done that. God has never half-dasted more in any Christian movie because just then three drunks come walk it through the field and you're like, get back into the truck. We'll push you. That's it. That's it. And they do. And they're supposed to be angels. And my husband never saw them again. Therefore, they are angels. She the voice of her literally comes in and and says in case you didn't catch that they were angels from God.

Yeah. Those three guys. Angels from the local bar apparently. So God was like a man, blah, blah, blah, blah and beasel, blah, blah and fucking Michael. Get down there and push that guy's truck. I gave his kid a brain tumor and it's getting really bad. So I need you guys. Oh, you wasted because it was Taco Tuesdays.

You can go wasted, it's fine. It's so weird. It makes no sense. That's the movie I want. It's drunk angels. Yes. I don't understand their definition of miracles. Like, isn't the miracle that they were able to push?

Because you know, you can't just push a car in that situation. It'll just keep spinning its wheels. You have to put, like, wood. Yeah, that would work. Or, blast it. You have to put something under the tires to give them traction, but they didn't do that. They just pushed it.

So is the miracle that angels had the strength to push a truck. I don't understand. I don't, what is the miracle here? And just to undercut even their shitty miracle, the next scene is this kid going into like a fucking MRI or something, right? Like this miracle of science.

It's like, oh, like God could give him a fucking push, but science, big steam. Yeah, like literally saved his life through invasive brain surgery. I really wanted it to cut to the angels like pushing the MRI machine. Sorry, this is our thing. This is tips him over in it.

Ow! Sorry. Yeah, like why didn't the angels fly into his brain case and remove the tumor that's like an orange growing there? Cut it out with a fucking flaming sword. You've got one of those. Yeah, your angels. No, I get it. Look, it's like when someone invites you over to help them move, but they give

you the beers first, so you're all like sleepy and full of pizza. So you're just like, it was like very gingerly putting a single book into a box for the next 40 minutes. This is also where we get just the beginning of a whole mess of medical nonsense and just a clear indication that nobody consulted with anybody with any knowledge of biology to write this movie. He's like, the kid's nose is bleeding and he's all groggy in the car. And while he's waiting for the angel dudes to come, he's like, don't fall asleep.

And like, that's not a thing. Don't fall, that's when the brain tumor will get you in the face. I know, it's like, why do they always do that and move? Don't fall asleep, you may never wake up. It's like, sleep is good, sleep is restful, it's how we heal. Let people sleep. The don't sleep thing is for concussions.

It's not for all brain melodies. But it's not even really for concussions, like it's okay to sleep. What? You can sleep sleep is healthy. Oh damn. I'm gonna sleep next time I get a concussion. There you go When is the last time you had a concussion? I get them quite a bit say yeah, I don't we don't have time to get involved And then so he's sitting there at the hospital to dad is and the doctor comes out He's like okay, so quick question to sure kid have like Every possible symptom of a giant brain tumor and then I go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

He's like, yeah, it's a fucking brain tumor. Maybe come to us a little earlier next time. Well, okay Well, we thought that you know potty training was just taking a lot longer for him to the shrips pants So yeah, he's like, hey, so he's got a brain tumor. We've got to take it out. It's pushing up against his brain and doing all kind of weird shit. He only has a 30% chance of surviving through the surgery though. I didn't hear that. I heard that he had a 30% chance of not surviving. Oh, I couldn't have had that wrong. But even on the lower end, I was already writing a manose,

okay, that's not miracle ads. That's just, there's three and a half cases you didn't make movies about, right? Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, exactly. And it was like, it was really weird. Just everything about it was really weird. He was like, you have a 30% chance

of a coma or quote, neurological impairment with quote, brain surgery. As if brain surgery is just one thing. Right, yeah. All brain surgery leads to 30% chance of coma or neurological impairment. It's like, no, it doesn't. People get brain surgery all the time.

There are awake surgeries, there are minimally invasive surgeries, there are all different sorts of surgeries. They don't all have the same prognosis. Everything about this is stupid. Also, you wouldn't get this type of surgery in that shitty local hospital. Right, yeah.

So tell me the blooming to normal hospital. I shouldn't do the fucking. Yeah. You would definitely be sent to a larger facility. Oh no, we got a brain surgery chair. We thought it was a massage chair. We bought it online. Where your face goes down.

The relaxed Tuesday. You look, yeah. Okay, so there's a lot that happens in the scene that I have to talk about. So, okay. First of all, brain surgeon is this actor named Glenn Morshauer, who I know. So this guy, when I was in like, when I was like 23 years old, I went back to Texas and stayed there for a month between when moving from New York to LA and like dropping out of my first PhD program.

And I was really bored. And a friend of mine was like, you should take these acting classes from this local acting coach. He's really good. And I was like, I don't know, maybe that'll help me with teaching or something. This is long before I did TV. And so I took this weird local acting class in Dallas, Texas and Glenn Moore Shower was like the star of our class. No, really?

Yes, the redhead guy who always plays a military guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's one of those like, you'll recognize him immediately when you see him guys. For sure. So this was like, it's really weird A, seeing him as a brain surgeon, because that's like

completely out of character for him. But I totally get it, because he was like super Christy even then. Like I felt a Christy vibe. He was probably super excited about doing this role. And he is a very good actor to be fair. Like he's quite good at his job. The problem is they gave him the dumbest script. Like he said at the point, the tumor is pressing up against his medulla and his optic nerve.

Your optic nerve is nowhere near your medulla. Like it's nowhere near, like they were saying it's at the base of his skull, which yes, it would press up against his medulla, especially if it was the size of an orange. It's huge. Your optic nerve is connects your eyes to it and then it crosses and then it goes to the lateral genicula nucleus and then tracked. Maybe it was pressing up against this optic track to that's fair, but like it just really pisses me off when people don't take the time to like just look up a simple detail like that. Just Google a picture of a brain maybe. Exactly. It's like that's not where your optic nerve is. It's in the front of your fucking head well yeah but so they hit here's the thing though

they were the kind of people that looked up any simple thing about the thing that they were right about they wouldn't be Christians yeah it's fair so like this is sort of a survivor bias type thing you know and my favorite thing about this scene is at the end mom goes what if we because he's like 30% chance that'll come out all you know and she's Mom goes, what if he's like 30% chance that it'll come out all, you know, and she's like, oh, well, what if we don't do the surgery and the doctor's like, when he just, he'll die? He just fucking dies.

So don't ask what tumors do they kill you? It is skull. Yeah. Did you think I was coming out here to tell you about the optional procedure? This isn't a skin tag, lady. Remember when his nose bled and he fell on the ground? Yeah. Like more of that plus death. Yeah. And also probably why didn't

you bring him here sooner? Right. Bad parents, very bad parents. So that we get who be waking up, dad gives him a few words of encouragement. And and or actually he gives dad a few words of encouragement, right? He's like, it's okay to add. I'm young enough that I haven't really started

to question my religious upbringing and I still believe in heavens. So this will be fine. And the dad's like, yeah, I'm young enough that I haven't really started to question my religious upbringing and I still believe in heaven So this will be fine and the dad's like yeah, I'm older than you. Yeah, he's like dad I don't understand if you really believe in heaven isn't this like a slightly unpleasant Blip in me living in paradise forever and he's like shut up shut up. We do We do believe fucking it up. I just don't want you to be happy for all eternity next to the hand of God. Nope. Not that it is that I Shit right well, and then the fucking the voiceover comes in like the mom given the speech at the amway convention or whatever She cuts in to be like, you know, there's one of those times in life where there's nothing you can do

But pray and I'm like is there nothing nothing because you're in a hospital, it's not a prayer place. She says this right before the brain surgery. Yeah, they give literally no cred and no props to like modern science, the hardworking surgeons, to like all the technology. And they're intercutting like scenes of lights and like hospital technology with like statues of angels. Right. Like they're like and the hospital did their thing and the church did its part

as well. There was also the stained glass windows. Just the church is sitting there with its own mixing bowl peanut butter all over its end. And I help. Right. That's the thing. The church is the sister to the hospital's brother. It's like it's weird parallels within the film. Toads. So, yeah, so, but he gets his brain surgery. We get his brain surgery in my touch. And of course, the whole time I'm like, can we just spend some time,

because brain surgery is fascinating stuff, right? Now, they don't have the budget for that. They don't have the budget. Right. It doesn't show us any of the good stuff. They do show him face down on a massage table for some reason. Yeah. Cause he's looking through the hole, like the head hole.

That's where they do brain surgery. And his eyes are wide open. And I'm like, there's no reason to be doing an awake surgery for this kid. This is not the type of surgery you would do awake. Well, right. Yeah. Cause it's not like they need to know like the tumor parts. So the parts we're going after guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This isn't like a, this isn't implanting, you know, a deep brain stimulation for Parkinson's or anything. This is, we're removing a tumor like kid should be asleep. Come on, people. This isn't brain surgery. Oh, never mind. Never mind.

But if you keep them awake, you get to do the funny thing where you poke the part of their head and they forget the math. Come on. That's a good time. That's probably why they did it. Well, we didn't get any of that. We didn't get it. Right. Exactly. They didn't show us any of the good stuff. Yeah. We do get Dr. Glenn Morshauer coming out and going, the good

news is it was denied. And I'm like, first of all, he would not know that. You have to send it to pathology. Yeah. What did you, what did you interrogate it? You took it under the hot lights. I put my pinky in it and then I rubbed it on my gums. It's like he looked at it. He looked at it it. And it didn't taste like cancer. So kids cool. Kids cool. So at this point, I'm thinking, OK, maybe this is a cranio for angioma.

They grow at the base of the skull. They're common in young people. They do affect vision. But again, not the optic nerve. And then he says something like, everything's fine. We took it out. It's benign. Don't worry.

We had to take out some bone too. And I was very confused because he didn't say skull at this point he just said yeah the fever just I'd for my collection I I was like I hope he met skull and not cervical spine because the kid would have way more issues at this point but yes he did mean skull and this is an important point this is the linchpin of the whole film. Right, yes.

He had to remove some of the skull because the tumor was attached to it. And so now he has basically an open soft spot on his head, like a window that's gonna fill in with scar tissue and maybe some cartilage, but they didn't put a plate over it. They didn't do, and this is, I'm assuming this is based on what actually happened to this kid. Right.

They didn't put anything over the exposed portion to protect it. So basically this kid is walking around without his own bone helmet. Yeah, he's got an insta kill button. Right. Yes. Yeah. Well, and then they say like, and they're like, so, you know, he's going to be fine. He's going to be all fucked up for a bit, but he'll mostly get better.

That being said, he's got the insta kill button. So you absolutely can't have him like, you know, play basketball, anything. Any head hits the ground type activity. You're going to want to avoid. Yeah. He's like one blow to the head could kill him. Right. And I wrote my notes at this point. Honestly, if the rest of this movie is just about who be doing all the things that aren't basketball. I am in at a fair having a car. Malabbo. You're so much stuff you can do. That's not bad. Literally all but one thing. It's fucking great. All right. Well, too, as we've already suggested, he's fine except for a few of the basketball playing parts are the stakes of the movie. So

with those established, we're gonna pause for a quick break, but we'll back in a minute with even more. Hoovy. Hi, welcome to Shopmark. Can I help you? Yeah, where's the check out? Oh, you mean the robot that took my job? It's right behind me.

No, I'm in the actual check out, Lane. Oh, well, we only have one right now and everybody ended up paying in pennies. Hikes. A lot of coupons. Hikes, I was really just hoping to make myself a fresh home cooked meal, you know? Oh, well, if you wanted that,

why didn't you try Hello Fresh? What's Hello Fresh? With Hello Fresh, you get fresh pre-proportion to your gradients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit.

Oh, wow, that sounds like so much better than's America's number one meal kit. Oh, wow. That sounds like so much better than trying to operate this broken robot. It sure is. Also, don't put anything in there, or it'll think you're stealing it, and I'll have to walk over super to slow and then punch in my employee code while glaring at you.

So I just hold my food until it's checked out. Yep, you sure do. Hello, Fresh Offers, 50 menu and market items to choose from every week, including vegetarian, calories, smart smart and gourmet options, providing plenty of variety. And as fall transitions to winter, there's nothing better than cozying up with a comforting home-cooked meal. Recipes like chicken ramen and show you style broth and turkey ragu and yokey make it a no-brainer to skip on paying for takeout. That does sound delicious. It is. Hello, fresh dentist a box to try and the food was tasty.

I felt like a master chef. Eli, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm buying the same groceries as you so that we can become better friends. That's weird. Yeah, just ignore him. So how do I sign up? Just go to hello fresh dot com slash awful 14 and use code awful 14 from to 14 free meals and three free gifts.

Did you hear that, Cara? You can go to HelloFresh.com slash awful14 and use code awful14 from 14 free meals and three free gifts. Yes, I did. I heard that. That's O.A. The only working robot is free. Thanks. Nice. Can't wait to eat some of this kale. Yeah, it's kale. It could be kale.

Yeah, I think it's kale. Yeah, it's kale. It could be kale. Yeah, I think it's kale. Yeah. So tell us, doctor, is who's he gonna be okay? Well, if we get this tumor in, I think so. Water is chances. I think it's a 30%. Oh, goodness. But I get good money for those odds though.

I'm sorry, what? Well, you know, I'm a doctor and doctors, we just love to put survival percentages on people. Almost as much as we love saying things like, you've got six months, you'll never walk again, and it would take a miracle. It easy to hold part of our complicated betting system that we run here at every single hospital.

I have almost a hundred K on that kid down the hall kicking the bucket today. Oh, I mean, you know why else with this very real practice of doctors constantly like naming odds of survival heaven It's it's not like this is just a device made up in movies to downplay our essential contributions to medical care right now It's all a complicated series of best that all doctors secretly have on all their patients ever I see Now uh, how open would you guys be to like Fix in the bed a bit I'm sorry, you know, I've just maybe I slip during surgery. I use the wrong size drill bit or you know Maybe I just leave you guys in the room with him and a pillow for a few minutes

I'm just I'm talking like two to one odds on this guys We could make a mint. Oh doctor. No, never. Oh, Garrett fine. I just I'm just asking. We'll keep it straight Can I interest you guys in the spread? I Mean we'll hear the spread. Well, yeah, you gotta hear the spread And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action three months after the surgery. Who's finally heading home? Mm hmm. Why does he have a speech impediment? Well, so this is the best part. For this scene, the actor has like a Skype delay speech

impediment. And the director was like, Hey, man, our movie's going to be seven and a half hours long. So he doesn doesn't have any other. No, he gets over it after this drive home. It's a yeah. Yeah, like it just didn't make sense like again, because of where his tumor was. I don't understand why I mean, maybe Sarah Beller. He has an eye patch and he's walking with a cane. I wrote in my notes.

I don't want to be a jerk, but that doctor really oversold the success of that operation. It's three months later and he's rolling around on the ground. ET cone home. Okay. You know, maybe we shouldn't worry that much about whether or not he's going to play fucking basketball. And I guess that part is real, right? Because, you know, the images of the actual kid,

like I think he does wear that thing where he has to wear the eye patch and switch it from eye to eye so that his other eye gains strength, sort of like you do with kids with stribusiness. It's like how you strengthen the eyes while they're healing. Interesting. Yeah, the piano teacher. But mostly all I noticed in the scene was that he's back

in his fucking bedroom with that wallpaper and that poor, out in the metal bed. Well, what I noticed was how lazily written the god damn dialogue, the kid turns to his dad during this scene and says, Dad, will I ever play basketball again? And the dad's like, yeah, that's the plot. Good question moving on.

Okay, so it's been three months. We've determined that your life is all about basketball. You walk with a cane and speak at the speed of Richard Dawkins. Yeah, you probably might pass the ball. I'm talking about middle of sex too. Yeah, right. And of course, then he gets home, mom, and the sister run out to greet him and everything

and he doesn't want anybody's help. Damn it. Stop trying to help me walk. And it's like, dude, you have a cane. It probably would be good for them to help you. You're doing myself. I love talking like a speaking spell. I'm awesome.

It's so weird. It's just I still don't understand why you can't talk, but whatever. He got a card from love interest saying, you are my friend, my friendly friend of friendship. Annie Lynn. Yep. And by the way, he looks up from that card and he's like, oh yeah, she wants me. Yeah.

Well, but like, what does that really even mean? So you've seen like Eli, I've shared some of these like a horrible Instagram posts where it's the two people who are like, what do we do in our Christian relationship? Yes. We don't kiss. We don't have sex. We don't touch each other, but we play board games.

It's like, yep, that's what he is thinking about. You're right. Yes, it's like, oh, we are going to play so much. Sorry. Oh my god, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, okay, so then we get a montage of him rehabilitating. This would be the first of like 23 montages in the second act of this film. Yeah. Also, they've got him like stretching and walking, which I'm sure are part of PT, is being slung over the back of a horse like a sack of flower, PT.

I'm sure that this is a balanced thing. I'm just like, there's gotta be a less potentially deadly way of doing it though, right? Right. Oh, for sure. And notice, is he wearing a helmet when he's on the the unpredictable horse? No, no, he's not.

Oh, there's like actually interviews out there with his mom where she talks about like, yeah, he wouldn't even wear any of the helmets that we tried to get for him. He was embarrassed. Classic. Why the fuck are we holding out him? Is an exemplar that of what to do?

Yeah, why would you say that out loud? Jesus. And also, what kind of parents are you that they're like, oh, couldn't make him wear the helmet? But whatever free choice. A lot of this movie is, hey, I feel like this is your decision, not it?

Yeah. So, okay, so he goes to school, he's trying to navigate school with his cane and his eye patch and everything. And he's there. She's still the love interest. Yeah, he's like, can I ask you a question? And she's like, oh, what is it? And he's like, will you help me open my locker? And it's just that's supposed to be like a cutesy, butsy thing. But then she's like, what's the combination? And I really wanted him to be like, banana 11, the color green. You're so mean. It took a lot. And all I could think of was don't give her your locker combo. What if she poops?

That's a fascinating note to me. Here I know. I always like to me. I know before I would like to follow the video. Do you have some childhood trauma that you'd like to share? Was that a prank at your school in L Texas? No, I think I was literally channeling every ad. I've ever read with Eli Bob. Oh, you were trying to, you were like,

okay, how do I do gamma humor? You usually shit in something, right? I'm watching this, but you guys are weirdly super imposing in the movie, and I'm thinking about recording the next day, and all that comes to my mind is, she's got a poop in it. Flaming bag of poop. Here, we bring you on the show so that there's less me. You're here to dilute the me.

We're trying to go for a homeopathic. Okay. Okay. Okay. I get it. I get it. I'll talk about the to go for a homie a pathic. Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. I'll talk about the brain some more. It's cool.

All of Cara's notes move on, become like pure Isle. In the attempt to be me, she comes out in a thong of the next live show. Shit. No. Cara, that's not working for you. This is not the bit. Different bit now. Different bit. Okay, okay, I'm's not working for you. This is not the different. Different bit.

Different bit. Okay. Okay. I'm learning. I'm learning. So okay. So and then we have to head back home so we can get the first of I'm going to say conservatively 17 scenes of mom and dad having ever more financial problems that add to the hospital bills. Yeah. This is the most realistic part of this entire film. Yeah. Well, it's my notice just wow. Our country is sad and broken. Yeah, this is the most realistic part of this entire film. Yeah.

Well, my note is just, wow, our country is sad and broken, but this movie is like on the side of our healthcare system in a weird way. Yeah. Yes. And as this great thing, right, because look, everyone watching this movie is the victim of this system, but they uphold it constantly. So they have to be like, I mean, I guess we've got no choice but to mullons and pull on our bootstraps harder, right, honey?

Right. We will see throughout this movie, they're selling their home, they're selling their business, they're working 73 jobs. And never at any point does this movie like acknowledge that that's a really fucked up way for us to handle shit like that. It really it the whole time is just like and they never asked for a handout. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That like Jesus old carry him through. Right. And it's so sad too because the kid feels guilty. He's like, I hate that my brain tumor is financially crippling us. Right. And it's like, don't worry about it, honey, and it's just sad. Right. It's like, this is a weird, it's like an unintentional social commentary that they,

they have no idea they were making. I, another note I have here is like, well, he feels guilty for having a tumor, land of the free and home of the brave you say. Oh, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, yeah. I wanted them to keep almost getting in. It's just like, oh gosh, honey, if only we hadn't been giving away 10% of our income at least

for our entire lives. We could have put something away. Yeah. Oh, our cousins from England are visiting. Did you hear that we've been bankrupted by Hoothie's tumor? What do you mean you don't understand? Right. Wow. And then she's like, he's like, what if I never get better?

We're doing this together. I'm really, it's really hard for me. I can't read. I can't do anything. And she's like, if it comes down to reading Dr. Suess and using training wheels, it's what we're gonna do. And I'm like, that's really patronizing, right? Do you think he's gonna go backwards from where he is now?

Cause that's not how this work. I know. He's having a hard time reading a biology textbook, right? Like an advanced biology textbook. And she's like, well, Dr. Zeus for you, you dumbass. Like, it's the weirdest scene. Like what is happening? And then we get this actually very touching scene where I momentarily started to feel bad for making fun of this movie.

This is the one where he goes back to his basketball practice and they, they let him know that they never took him off the team and they still want him to be in the team photo even though he can't play anymore. And they, they'd like go out of their way to make sure that he feels included. And that was very sweet. Oh, really? You like had good feelings about that. I did.

Okay. Here is the problem though, because the real story that this is based on, they were like, who is the coach now? And look, I get it. We had a coach for my teams. Okay. I get it. Fine.

You make him the coach, but who the quit? That is what happens in this movie and in real life is he was the, you know, participation trophy coach. And he was like, no, you guys are a bunch of assholes. I'm all in all the way or nothing. This would be like if at the end scene of Rudy, they had been like, you know, what going kid? And he was like, no, I want to be the quarterback. order back. So, and then meanwhile back home, dad realized that they're going to need a new septic tank, and I just, I wrote my notes like, oh, this just keeps coming back over and over again with bigger shit. I'm going to love this movie.

It doesn't. I didn't. So sorry for writing that in my notes. Yeah, because this is the first hint that I think they're trying to do like a joke thing. Yeah. I think dad is Job. You're right, he is. Wow.

Yes. Or Hoopie's Job. Yeah, it's like they gave, they like sort of killed his kid, but not really. It's like he's like dad is Job, but with like nowhere near the same stakes. Job, right. Yeah. Actual, yeah. Like all this terrible stuff is happening to

dad for like it's like it's not happening to his child. It's like a part-time job. Yeah. It's like a kid might never be a basketball star. That I really that affects me personally in a really major way. Well, so here's the fucked up thing is that this movie is based on the book that the dad wrote. Yeah. Right. So this movie is all presented from the, yeah, it sure was tough on me when my kid had a brain too. Yeah, I'm just like Job. Like that's what that is dad's thesis statement is I am just like Job. And the septic tank will just be the first in a series of problems that happens that will

ever more point to capitalism is the issue. Like the last thing that happens to their farm might as well be like a new money Zuckerberg comes in and shorts their farm. Oh, God. Oh no, I invested in a dogecoin and everything went away. Oh, it's so true. Like this is clearly an example of being failed by our capitalist system, but instead it's like God is testing.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Like, are you kidding me? Where were you when Adam Smith created the world? And there are actual solutions to some of these problems. Like, the mom is literally saying, like, I can get a job. What the hell? Get a job.

And the dad's like, no, wife of mine is going to work. Bitch. Like, it's insane. That's so fucked up. Like, how much is to does that undercut every single other thing in this fucking movie? They're like, oh yeah, we're just so desperate for money. And she's like, well, I guess I can work.

And he's like, no, you can get back in the fucking kitchen and take off those shoes. Yeah, it's literally you know that you'll turn into a lesbian again the second you get into it. Come on. Come on. So all like, come on. So all right, now we're back to basketballing and yes, oh, this is where you said thanks for narrowing it down. He likes.

Oh yes, next scene is also just called basketball. Yep, there it is. So yes, we get back to the basketballing and this is the part where who V is going to be the participation trophy coach and I thought they were going to go for the bit because like Donovan needs to be coached up good And uh who he's like don't worry coach. I'll take care of this and who be just kind of yells at Donovan And it doesn't help in any way Donovan's like fuck you and then walks off. Yeah, nothing changes

It doesn't have everyone is unlikable. It's the weirdest scene Donovan's like fuck you and then walks off. Yeah, nothing changes. It doesn't have everyone is Unlikable. It's the weirdest scene. He's like you listen to me because he's still doing the voice He's like you listen to me doing that then you need to play better and Donovan's like I understand that you're all trying to do a nice thing But this is not helpful to me as a basketball player or a troubled you Well, right, but Donovan's character is such an asshole that he's like I'm sticking tired of this fucking brain tumor recovery and bullshit You know, just kind of marches reaches over and taps him in the back of the head He made me do it. He made me do it and I actually realized in the scene that Donovan's not the only black kid. Like I thought that they were that obvious and they made him the only black kid, but there's like one other black kid on the team.

Right. Yeah, no, he just doesn't have any speaking lines. Yeah. No, yeah, he's very grainy in the background, but he's also shaking his head disapprovingly. Like, I'm with the white guy on this. Yeah. They will slowly but surely insert more black extras into this movie. As though they're making a college brochure and panicking.

Like later, you're just like, they're walking through the background and then walking backwards again, walking forwards again, they change outfits. There's just like whole white characters, like who, like number seven was white. And now he's just black for me. Like what? Oh, and then we have to get the scene where mom's at the bank

learning that even if they literally sell their farm, it wouldn't pay off the medical bills. Yeah, I'm like, how shitty is their farm? Right, yeah, exactly. I guess it's like, multiple more ditched. Oh, oh, and then we see, this is just so much for me. We see dad standing next to son, and I know they've been in a million scenes together,

but it really hit home for me that dad is literally twice the height. Yes, the son. Yeah. Why is everybody so intent on this kid playing basketball? Right. Like he comes up to his dad's belt buckle. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. Kind of rains on the basketball dreams a little bit there. And then the kid, I mean, now it's become a caricature. Like this kid is Napoleon Dynamite at this point. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone leave me alone. And he's always throwing himself down on his bed and like getting mad at people for, I don't know, being concerned. Yeah. So, yeah, but he's sure as bummed and he can't play basketball anymore. So him and his dad go out fishing. No, they go like, what did you say?

They go out fishing horse fishing horse fishing. Yes, I spit out drinking tea. Well, it's typing and I spit it out my kid. I don't know why, but horse fishing is the funniest thing at like two o'clock in the morning. It's a challenge because you know, they clip clop and they scare the fish away. It's how a real man does it. They are. They're walking around on the backs of horses with fishing poles So and again, this is how poorly written this script is they go out fishing and the and the kids says boy

Dad, I sure can't wait to get back to playing basketball again Like the characters are just constantly saying their larger motivations out loud But finally dad explains to him apparently they haven't told him about the insta kill button on The characters are just constantly saying their larger motivations out loud, but finally, Dan explains to him, apparently they haven't told him about the insta-kill button on the back of his head yet. No, they have not. They never got around to it. I feel like that's a day one thing.

Yeah, like, hopefully, it doesn't just like randomly bump his head, because this is really important now. Yeah. And to be clear, as the doctor clarified, this is not a forever situation. There is going to be soft tissue that grows overhead. It is just right now while he's recovering that he can't play basketball.

Yeah, exactly. And I think at this point, we're like months out of the surgery. Right, yeah, well, we did a three month time job, yeah. So yeah. So, okay, so, and then we have, just in case that job thing was a little too subtle, we have this scene where Hoovy goes to talk to the coach, right?

And he's like, I don't think I could be around this basketball anymore, it just makes me want to play it really bad. And so the coach tells him the story of job. And I'm like, that's not a real good story for you guys I don't know why you guys think that telling the story where your God tortures some guy to win a bet Helps your cause, but it never does I also I genuinely appreciated the edit They made to the Job story where they were like and then Satan said let me do a bunch of bad. Yeah. Oh,

Satan did that. Oh, let me really check my it. I was doing the boils of the children killing in the house class. I Also, by the way, I just have to point to status. Anybody, if anybody else out there has read the Bible before the book of Job is the We as I believe is the oldest book in the Bible

It's also some of the weirdest shit ever written the rant that God gives to Job is like he's trying to start a fight with him And then he's God damn parking lot is the weirdest thing ever written down There is no reason for Christians to ever direct people towards the book of Joe But they love it There is no reason for Christians to ever direct people towards the book of Joe. But they love it. They love it. It doesn't make any sense. I guess in their mind, the takeaway is that no matter how much God tests you, if you

keep your faith, you'll win in the end or something, but I don't get it because basically he murders. Like God does everything terrible. It's like pestilence. Like Joe blues is like his livelihood. He loses Christ. He murders all his kids, kills his wife. Like does all this terrible stuff. And then he's like fighting with his friends

because his friends are like, bro, you got to keep the faith. And eventually he's like, no, fuck God. But then he comes back around. And then God almost kills all his friends. But then jokes like, no, don't kill my friends. They're cool. And he's like, okay, I guess I won't kill your friends. And then at the end, he gives him new kids

and somehow that's supposed to make up for the fact that his actual kids were dead. Yeah, if you wanna know how stupid the book of Job is, the happy ending is he gets brand new kids in a brand new way, so it's all better. Yes, that's the story. And so, okay, I'll remember cis being a character in this movie? Oh, yeah, sister.

Yeah, she can jump. She's a born jumper. Born jumper and runner. Okay, so we get this weird daddy daughter date with her and the dad. And there's no, again, this is just there because you are also in the plot. We did not forget to write you in the script.

So this is the time that dad, well, they were in the middle of all these dire straits, got her like a sweet-ass Jeep. Oh yeah, he's like, she's like, dad, we're parked over there, where are you going? And he's like, we're going to your new car. And it's like a nice car, like way nicer than any car I ever drove. Right.

When I was a kid, like, how can they afford this? They're losing their farm. Well, that's what they could get when they sold their farm Well, so okay, but here's the they try to address that within the film right because he's like well You know old man so and so gave it to me because I pulled those stumps for him. I like no the fuck he did And also why wouldn't you then sell that for money? Right right to cover more of those medical bills. Yeah, he also says, oh honey, don't you remember?

Be not afraid is what the angel says. And I was like, oh, sorry, real quick, you're talking to your teenage daughter. Be not afraid is what the angel says right before he rapes a teenager. That's true. You're talking about a grace. Oh, wow, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's what he tells the Virgin Mary before God rapes a kid in tour, yeah. Oh my God, yeah, yeah, no, that's what he tells the Virgin Mary before God rapes a kid in Turia It's also just bad life advice in general like like I just it just shows the minimal depth It's just the the narrowness and the superficiality of everything about this movie that she's like life is hard Isn't it daddy things are scary right now? And he's like what are the angels say be not afraid? It's just like oh, I feel better now. Yeah We got right shit. I didn't think not to be afraid Well, what?

Well, and okay, so and then We get dad dad and the hell out of hoover too, right? Oh, yeah, I hate the scene you guys this I completely tuned out this whole story I have no idea what happened in the scene. Can you explain it to me? This is one of the dumbest analogies I've ever come across, right? Yeah, I don't get it. So, okay, so he's gonna dad's telling Hoovy, the story of this tightrope walker. He's like, yeah, tightrope walker was really good.

And he was gonna go across Niagara Falls and everybody's like, oh, awesome. And he asked the audience, he's like, all right, who thinks I can make it? And everybody's like, yeah, I think you make it. And he's like, all right, who thinks I can make it? And everybody's like, yeah, I think you make it. And he's like, all right, who wants to get into a wheelbarrow and let me push them across? And nobody would do it because they didn't have enough faith. Oh my God, that's what happened in the scene.

That's the story. Oh. That's the story. And the conclusion of that story is, I need to get in the wheelbarrow of your tight wellness. Right. Oh, right, because this is about the dad. I forgot. This whole thing is just his narcissism.

Right. Right. And the dad says, look, I've been worried this whole time because if you fall on the ground in a way that would be harmless for most people, you will instantly die. I need to get over my fear. I need to stop being such a pus about that. Right. That's the message.

Yeah. He's like, you've clearly like decided that you don't want to wear a helmet. I need to be okay with that. Yeah. Yeah. And then and this advice and basically that's his way of saying. So if you want to play basketball again, I don't care what your, the whole in your skull has to say about it.

It's your choice. Yep. Yeah, this kid who like has no concept of mortality. Because the best assessors of risk are 17 year old children. 17 year old boys. Yeah, 17 year old boys. And by the way, you're over at this kid was 13 when this happened. Tight.

Oh, really? He was 13? Yep. Oh my God. And pursuing his dream of being a basketball star, it makes it even dumber, doesn't it? It's a way dumber. Yeah, and the film they make him seem much older. Right.

Yeah, the actor's much, much older than that. But yeah. When I was 13, my dream was eating lucky charm so much as I was wish I had these parents yeah right so yeah so and then by the way so this evolves into a montage for some real dad rehab dammit and this includes central to this fucking montage him walking on railroad tracks yeah like up on the track, like trying to balance on that, which is incredibly if he falls, he'll die. Yep. That's so fucking dumb. Yeah, he might as well be bouncing a ping pong ball off the soft spot in his head as part of this training montage. Ever bigger balls. Yeah. And it's just a tiny note, but at the end, they do that thing and

a lot of movies do it. It's not just Chris movies where he breaks his cane and I why do I break this cane and I burn my wheelchair. No, but I need the. I don't want to help somebody else with a disability. Fuck those kids. They're not strong like me. They need to pull up their bootstraps. Yeah. Wait, can I ask to this part that doesn't make sense? And maybe it's just because the montage is like confusing and out of order, but they cut back and forth between him walking on a balanced beam, all alone, unassisted, no problem, and literally staggering around with his cane.

Yeah. And I'm like, it doesn't, it's not like the balanced beam magically makes you be able to walk normally. Nope. And then as soon as you get off of it, you need the cane again, but that is the story they're telling me, and I'm very confused by it. There's also like as he

gets, you know, because it's a montage, so he's getting better and better at walking on the railroad tracks, etc. There's also a point where he's actually literally using a wheel barrel on the track, like he's pushing that on the track along with him. I'm like, okay, wait, so, so they carried a wheelbarrow wheeled all the way to the railroad tracks just in keeping with the analogy Yeah, yeah, that was for us. That was what you do that. God damn it dad Why didn't you have an egg and spoon analogy this thing's heavy And to be clear he's pushing her In the wheel bit the love interest in the wheelbarrow on the narrow little side of the track

And then they fall and he hits his head. Yeah. And they just move right past it. Like this kid falls down and hits his head multiple times when he's not supposed to fall down and hit his head. And they just kind of roll past it and don't say anything. Right. Right. All right. So then we get him. He's middle of the night, this pouring down rain outside and he wakes up and suddenly he can see again and his vision is good. And it's because of the miracle from God, not all that rehab and all those doctors and all those surgeries. No, it was the lightning here, but he runs out into the rain to take his first shot of

the basketball because we did watching him shooting and missing the basketball. And I really, really wanted him to miss that first shot. And just like, oh, I can't actually see. I'm just a little out of practice. So it turns out it's raining. Wow, but this muscle memory. And also, like, yeah, the whole family goes out with him in this pouring thunderstorm to watch him shoot baskets for the first time.

And I so wanted like the sister to get hit by lightning and the movie starts over with her needing a surgery herself. This is gonna rehab so she can run again and every. So yeah, and eventually this devils back into the montage. The girl gets in the wheelbarrow. It's so everything about this is so goddamn stupid. And don't they kiss or something?

I don't want to. They do. They get dinged by the dove foundation for a kiss in this and this and this. I don't want to watch Christian teenagers kiss ever. Yeah. Well, don't maybe you don't judge people who do. It's like watching. It's like even just like watching people eat mayonnaise though. Exactly. It's like it's like cool things. I feel very. Right now, you don't have to, don't have to watch it if you don't want to do it. All right, well, I'll tell you what, the stakes have now advanced from you can't play basketball to okay, you could, but it would be spectacularly dumb.

So I guess we're pausing for another break. Well, you recalibrate, but first let me give it actually the hard sell. Will Ali find a personality in time? What the hell ever happened to the sisters hopes and dreams? Are the three mystery blizzard guys really the only miracle in this film? Fight out the answers to these questions in the war. When we return for these spectacularly predictable

conclusion of, who will be? Just saying I support a lot of people on only fans and you're judging them, right? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Lou Lou, doing care stuff.

Care stuff is my favorite stuff. Kara! Jesus! Sorry, did we surprise you? By hiding in the back seat of my car and yelling, Kara, when I got in, yes, yes, that surprised me. We were looking for change. We weren't hiding. Did you know you left one of your amies in here?

You did. What do you guys want? Change, we just said that. You're a bad listener. Can I give you that silly bag? Actually, why do we have you here? We have this new sponsor, BetterHelp. Ami's in here. You did. What do you guys want? Change. We just said that. You're a bad listener. Can I give you that silly? Actually, while we have you here, we have this new sponsor, BetterHelp.

They do like online therapy. Yeah, and we were hoping since you're a brain dentist, you could tell us if therapy works. Okay, so first of all, not a brain dentist. Second of all, yes, talk therapy. Can be extremely helpful for people dealing with mental illness or just folks who need an impartial third party to talk about what's going on in their lives? Okay, but therapy is mostly for like crazy people though, right like like oh no, I'm a toaster But but but but but but but but not super healthy people like me, right? My god, that was so insensitive and not at all appropriate, but you know what they mostly say, right?

Therapy is something that anybody can benefit from and the myth that it's only for people who have severe mental illness, it's harmful. It keeps a lot of people from getting the help that they need. Well, plus with better help, you can start communicating in under 48 hours and there's a broad range of expertise available which might not be locally available in many areas.

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who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. All right, well, I'm sold. So where are we going? I'm actually going to see one of my patients right now. Ooh, brain cavities. Eli, for the... You know what? Yes, yes.

The brain cavities. We're gonna work on that. Oh, yeah, he's got him bad. You guys have brain cavities. What? Nothing. And I think it's time that you get into your wheelbarrow. Well thanks dad.

Now, let's get inside. Well, it's just... What is it, Hoovy? Well, I mean, you know that metaphor makes no sense at all, right? Uh, no, because faith. Right. Faith is like getting in the will, bro. That's what you're saying.

But like the story about the tight rope walker is about risk. Right. It's risky to put your own life in danger. It's not about whether or not I believe in the tight rope walker. It's about whether or not I'm willing to get hurt or die based on the information that I have. Exactly. That, that is faith. Wait. Okay, so just to be clear, faith is putting yourself in the way of danger based on incomplete information. I mean, yeah. Okay,

no, actually, as I said it out loud, I heard it. You're a bad father. I am a bad father. Yes. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to open back up on who he go into the back school. We'll practice to tell coach Wilson that he's ready. Damn it. Yeah. Mom and dad are there for this practice again. But Donovan doesn't want no to me on his team. To me is the slur I invented for people with brain tumors. So, he doesn't want to be honest, team. It's, but I didn't even get this because the whole point about this was not this kid getting back in shape and learning how to walk again and being able to play basketball. Physically, it was that he literally is missing a piece of his skull to protect his brain.

That's the only reason he wasn't supposed to play basketball. That didn't change because he learned the balance beam. No, it did not. Well, and then it's okay. And there's a scout. There are college scout checking out Donovan, the rival kid that that angrily chose and stuff. And he's really mad beat Donovan is because tumor boy is making him look bad. You know, he is this moment where he's like talking to the other teammates about it. He's like, Oh, he's gonna bring us down and I can't afford that. And and who he was apparently sitting in the bleachers without him noticing. I feel like you look over your shoulder one time before you start making fun of tumor,

boy. But I also feel like Donna McCunod as a care. Well, that's okay. Bear, you know, because then Donna insists to who he's like, it's not personal. It's business. And I wrote in my notes, it is in not in fact business. It is such an entirely personal sport. And two Donovan's credit, he's like, hey man, if you get a head injury, won't you die? Yeah. And who he's like, yeah? Well, and who he's like, that's not the point.

The point is to have faith. And I was like, no, no, it's that dying. No, the point is the dying thing. That's very much the point. And then he like steps to him and he's like, take your best shot. And Donovan's like, bro, I'm not going to prison for murder. Right. I don't want to do that right now.

You understand that if I did that, you would die, right? If I did that and I hit you in the back of the head, you would die. Yeah. That's what you know about yourself. Or if I knock you down, yeah, right, right. Punch me in any part of my body except the back of my head. Right now. I'll show you.

So yeah, so the whole team leaves and just who be a Don of an our hanging back, sitting on the steps, time for a quick heart to heart. Hey, up. I'm sorry, we just had an act three confrontation. No, no, I'm sorry, we had an an act three confrontation. No, no, I'm sorry. We had an act three conference. Pretty much. Yeah. Well, but then Donovan explains it once again, you know, that the capitalism's

absurd failure is just glaring right at him and they can't see it. He's like, yeah, you know, like I was born in inner city Atlanta and I have had some problems there. Got mixed up with some some bad shit. Now my entire life depends on my high school basketball prospects. It's the only chance I'll have to get to college and to better myself at all. And I'm like, wow, yes, pretty fucked up in that. Yeah, and Hoover completely doesn't have any empathy here.

No. And he's like, but my brain, my brain, and this is just like a fun thing I want to do. And the kids like, no, but my career, you don't understand. So like, I am doomed to a life of poverty, unless I am successful right now in this moment. And to me, it's like, yeah, but Priv, Priv, I just called him to me. Oh, my God.

See, it's catching on. Well, it's not that different from what I'm saying. Cancel Cara, everyone cancel her. No, it's not that different from what's in it. Cancel Cara, everyone cancel her. No, it's not, oh god. Who the hell are you going to eat? Come on, Luke, mom. This is your Margaret Atwood Hill you die on. I don't know why I'm not allowed to say to me anymore.

What if it, who if he literally is like, but privilege? I want to protect my privilege. And Donovan's like, I hate you. Well, Donovan is like, hey, look man, like I have a legitimate shot at like, you know, going to a good school and getting a good education. And, and, and who be like, yeah,

but I also had dream of being in the NBA. And it's like, yeah, man, but you're like a, a short little white kid with a brain tumor. I'm like, let's come on. Let's come on. There's five foot nine and your grades are really good and your parents are like really supportive and loving and you'll be fine.

Right. You also have dreams of tongue kissing Angelina Jolie. It's just tongue kissing Angelina Jolie isn't your one way out of you. Okay. Did you also notice that during this whole scene on the steps, this like heart to heart, like bro to bro scene, who he is like yo bro. Yeah. He goes in and gets a chair just so he can sit in it backwards. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. He might as well put sunglasses on and be like, can we wrap for a second, Tom and then love to wrap. Should I turn my hat sideways for this? Is, would that be more impactful? Yeah. So okay. So anyway, so dad's out fighting fires when mom calls with some bad news. She says, I need you to

come home. The tumor is back. I still wanted to the pan over the tumors just sitting on the couch, right? Or even better at pants over and the mom has her arm out. She's the tumor and she stabbed the other mom like terminator too. That will be by the way, it'd be called, Tumor. It's not a Tuma wildest place. Yeah. Wow, nothing for the, it's not a tumor, sugar. Okay, fine.

I was enjoying. I'm not even going to try with you for you. It's fair. So yeah, it by this has nothing to do with anything, whatsoever, right? They just, they go back to the doctor. Did you just say that 50 times? And that's the whole movie.

That's true, okay. That's true, okay. Bare, bare, yeah, okay, yeah, no withdrawn. But they go back to the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, I think you might have some bonus tumor, you might not, we will never revisit this. And then the mom is like, so, okay. So what about him playing basketball? And then I was like, oh, no, that would be insane and stupid.

And then don't do that. Right. And then they're like, okay, but then what the hell would the movie even be about then? Yeah. At this point, I wrote in my notes, what's the mother to do? Let her kid play basketball and die or do literally anything else and not die. Yeah. Yeah. And I wrote,

dad is more concerned about this kids 0% chance of making it as a basketball star than his anything percent chance of literal death from head injury. Yeah. And he's legit fighting with mom about it. And meanwhile, neurosurgeon is just rubbing his hand over the kids head going poor prognosis. Yeah, because magic. I don't know. He's not screaming and dying from the touching. I thought, and then they're fucking parade of misfortune. Up the ante one more time that we get the mom coming out and they're like, yeah, both

of the horses miscarried at the same time. Just like some biblical plague was been falling upon our house or something. And now we don't even have baby horses to sell. Do we know what the dad's name is in this movie? Like is his name actually Joe? Because that would just be too much. It's Jeff, but yeah, it's pretty close. Yeah.

And we're still someone from Texas came and arrested the horse for losing the folds. So now it's really bad. We didn't put in a tiny little horse coffin. So we're going to be in some trouble. Right. And they have this moment and this happens in all these movies where it's like, what could I have done? Could I have done anything better?

And I just wrote my notes. Oh, I know what you could have done. You could have not voted for politicians who upheld the system that would allow this to happen to you under the assumption that it would never happen to you. That's what you could have done. There you go. I know. Call on me. Pick them, but they never call on me. See, now if I wrote if those two stillborn foals come back to life, now that's a movie worthy miracle. And the fuck three guys pushing you out of the fucking snow. I want, anyway, yeah, I have higher hopes. And they sell their last horse and who he's having this moment with the last horse.

He's like, sorry, we have to sell you to the glue factory. You see the free market solution to stuff actually. That's really just about the market. The market is about money and creating more money. Hey, it's fine. It's fine. You're going to die really quickly. But I'm not super quickly.

But you guys, in the vast expanse of the universe, you don't die. Yeah. What do we want? Teaching cradle, race theory and school. Come on. So, yeah, the number of boy are they down on their locks that we get in a row is just staggering. So, they're selling their horses and their house and the fridge is pretty much empty. And at this point, Hoovy needs to put his foot down, right? And

basically Hoovy, again, 13 year old kid at this time, this is based on basically Hoovy says, Hey, look, I can also get hit by a bus, but that's no reason for me to never leave the house. I might as well die for the sake of high school sports, right? and never leave the house, I might as well die for the sake of high school sports, right? Only one percent of the people who get COVID die of it, not trust me. It's fun. Make sure you share a bunch of memes about how rare it is that I'm to the Hermann Kane award has actually written in and asked me. Yeah, so but he explains that maybe God gave him a tumor so that his family could overcome their fear of him dying of a tumor.

Yeah, yeah, just like to. Yeah, right. Right. It's a weird exposure therapy, but okay. But apparently that's enough for mom because this is where she agrees that yes, he can play basketball again. Yeah. Which I didn't realize she was the limiting factor in this, but all right.

Nordic. Nordic. Yeah. So, and then we do this completely pointless time cut to three months later. This is the dumbest time cut I think we've ever encountered in a movie, right? Because they're not in like the playoffs. Nope. I know why couldn't this just be the next day?

Right. Why couldn't it? It's just a random game. It's just some game. Yep. But for whatever reason, we kind of, it's because like dad was sitting there when they were trying to make the movie and he goes, but that didn't happen the next day. You're right.

You're half a three months later. Apparently. I feel like, you know how sometimes like your, your community sets aside like a weird day for someone, but it's always like a Thursday in March. It's never during the final. This was who they were like, okay, we've agreed that the community can come together and chant, who be who be who be at the basketball game, but it's got to be a Tuesday and September. We cannot do the serving March madness. So, yeah, but he's going to play basketball again. The music is so hilariously over the

top that we get the pregame pep talk from coach Wilson. Oh, and it's so religious. Yeah. It's so overtly religious, but my fear because I'm watching this and I'm like, that's ridiculous. It's not really like this. And then I'm like, Oh, maybe it is. Oh, it's, it's super like why I think he went to a religious school or this is illegal as all hell, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Yeah, but I think that still happens in towns like normal. And like I'm so concerned or confused, like are there no kids on the team that aren't

Christian? They don't care. They don't care. And the kids are basically just keep your head down and I don't want to get my ass kicked. Yeah. Well, I don't want to get off the tee that true and the funniest part is the coach is like who's in this together? We are we We we and then they get too fast so they're chanting we we and you can see all of the actors realize at the same time

I just I just sort of dissolves into a prayer to Jesus. Jesus, please forgive us for just chanting. We did a chant for Dix. I love to like this. This movie will be damned if we are going to skip over the national anthem. Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If you thought my religion was annoying, wait until my patriots. We've gotten half of the Christian nationalists about so far, but yeah. Also, like this basketball game in the small town would not have a play by play or the local news there. Well, so the local news would be there for the feel good story of who, which is I think what for who? Yeah, what we're going for. Like they're not there to

like, you know, broadcast the game or anything. They just want a couple of shots. But why is there a play by play like this is on ESPN? Yeah. And also why do we watch so many plays so much? This is so uninteresting. Like, yeah, okay, we get it. He can still play basketball. But we haven't set anything up to the point where other players can have character arcs at this point. No, it's just basketball, a sport I don't like. And mom at the end of like the first half or quarter, I don't really care. She's like, that was the longest 30 minutes of my life.

And I'm like, it was the longest hour and a half hour and a half. This is like this fucking watching this for an hour and a half. When she said that was the longest 30 minutes of my life, I wrote in my notes, not the Eli boss next to her. Yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, and they're doing like their team, the, uh, who is team is the Spartans. And the Spartans are apparently doing way better against this undefeated team than the fucking Vegas odds makers expect.

Yeah, everyone cares. No one doesn't care. There's also this great moment. This is so small. I it's a hardly worth going after, but I love this so much because it really indicates how bad the filmmaking here is. There's a kid named scooter on the team and the play-by-play announcer is going, wow, scooter sucks, right? And then who needs to coach scooter up a bit? And so he gets better, right? So that we see that who he's helping his team get better. And here's how that plays out. The coach you'm up seen is who be going, I believe in you, scooter. And then scooter blocks a guy. And then who becomes up to us is I knew you could do it, scooter. And that's the half.

Resolution, yeah. Right, the Lucian. So this is based on a real story. So do you think these kids were at any point in their lives aware of the fact that like being named scooter and hoovy was not like gonna give them a leg up in this world? No. Or maybe it does give them, it's just that they are ludicrous.

Like we are ludicrous people walking around. Yeah. I have a buddy from high school who still goes by Riblet as a fully grown adult. Riblet? Riblet. Riblet. It's pretty damn cool though, yeah. Yeah, I like that. Wow. Wow. That's better than hoover.

He got his rib taken out for like a hard thing. Oh, that's kind of cool though. So we call them riblet, all right. Yeah, like you would think that hoover would have upgraded his nickname to something having to do with the orange-sized tumor in his brain. Or maybe he would just go with a more grown up version like Hoover, right? Yeah.

I mean, look, I think we can all agree that Hoover is better than like, let's say if your nickname in high school was chunk, and then that turned into, I don't know, chunk the monk, like you would never go by chunk the monk. No, that would be a terrible thing. As an adult, we can all agree that that would be like a crazy thing. Yeah. So super, super deep cut. They'll know who, they'll know the story. They'll know who you're talking about. Okay. So all right. So it's half time we're in the locker room.

I just give it the pep talk. And he's like, who be I want you to finish the pep talk and do the whole like put the hands in thing. And who he says, no, I want Donovan to finish the pep talk and do the whole hands in thing because then he'll have a character art. Yep. And they're like, are you sure he would have him? I'm the white savior of the, yes, the trouble to you. Yep. So Donovan gives us this speech about how he's learned something very important here today. He finally understands what a team really is, what a family really is. And then they go out for more basketballing. Yeah.

And so, here's going to be the conflict of the last, I don't know, four minutes of this basketball game. Number 12 on the other team is like, he's throwing a lot of elbows. And what doesn't happen is no one goes, Hey, I'm sorry, number 12, I know you're really enjoying the basketball and you really want to win that kid that one right there with the glasses. If he falls down and he'll head his head and die. So you can fucking just Tony, John, run your elbow to anyone on the team except that kid, but they don't do that. No, they're just like, oh, he's not very supportive. Yeah, these are real stakes, Eli. Come on. Come

on. All of this matters somewhere. I just wanted to see where someone tells number 12 and he's just like, okay, I would have loved to heads up about this. Like, I'm an over competitive teenage boy. So I could tell me life and death was on the line here. Yeah, I didn't want to actually kill him. I wasn't trying to kill him. I was just trying to win the game. I just want to win basketball. Why is he playing? Well, and we should point out that this overly aggressive kid that knocks down to me and

almost kills him is the other black kid in the film. You're right. It is the other black kid in the film. Yeah, with obviously an attitude problem. Yes. But you just made a very good point. He falls down, I think twice in this game and hits his head. Yep.

In slow motion. And both times the entire crowd goes, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, did he die? No, he didn't die, he didn't die, he didn't die. All right, keep him put it back in then, put him back in. And also, I love this part. His neurologist or neurosurgeon actually, for some reason is in the stands. Oh yeah, he wasn't gonna miss that.

Then next to his family watching, and when Hoovy falls down and hits his head, he does not run to check on the child. The parents run down and they go, are you okay? Neurologist is like, I don't know off eating a hot dog or something. I had the scene where I told you not to

but your kid play fucking fast. I'm not gonna rush down there to do some free doctrine. Oh no, the thing I said would happen happened. So the movie is unconscious for a couple of seconds, wakes up and he's like, it's cool, it's cool. And he stands up on his own and everybody's like, he's fine, he can play. And I'm like, that's not how brain damage were.

Yep. I want it so badly for him to turn around to jog back out into the court and he's just got like shit running down his leg. Oh, seriously? You might want to sit this quarter up but no really I'm fine. Lemon, lemon, lemon, carrot top, burp. It's so bad. Like, this kid is probably really seriously injured. He needs to see a neurologist,

but his surgeon is just sitting there in the bleachers with a thumbs up. No one like, I am midway through this hot dog. I don't know if I have a plate to put it on. I bought nachos. The cheese does not stay warm. I'm coming back here. It's a cold nacho cheese. Fuck you. I told you guys in my office. Yeah, he's literally like you've got this airbud. This is great. There's no rule in the rule book that says tumors can't play basketball. All right, so yeah, so the coach is like, all right, this was a terrible idea to put you in. You just fell down and everyone in the stands was like, oh, fuck coach, just killed that kid.

So I'm going to put you down on the bench for at least the last minute of the game, right? And who he's like, no, coach, I can keep playing. And so he's like, all right, well, in that case, to be fair, if the last minute of this movie had just been, who be sitting on the bench, like having a gatorade, like in slow motion. Did you see I fell down? I fell down, but I was fine though. But like in real life, it would have been who feel like wobbly on the bench, like bar fingers. I mean, yeah, it had a really severe head injury. Oh, I forgot the numbers four to seven. I feel like I'm going to need those. It's all right. It's all right. There's only three pointers. There's no four point shot. Actually, there is a four point shot in basketball. I, it's a half core. Well, no, no, uh, and that's

what we end with, right? They're, they're down three. He makes the three pointer just as time expires, but number 12, that up and he black kid knocks him over and fouls him on that shot, right? And once again, he falls and hits his head. I look, I'm like, you know, if he just fucking blacks wand his way out of this fucking movie, at least it would have a good moral at this point. Just I wanted one guy in the bleachers to be like, I would love for us to take who be out of the game now. I feel like the stakes are weird. The stakes are weird on this Tuesday. But yeah, so they've got a foul shot and the ref comes over and is like, Hey, man, I know

you got the brain damage kid that just fell on his head twice in the last minute up for the foul. You can, you can have somebody sub in for him if you'd like. And who's like, no, I can make it coach and he checks his back of his leg for shit. And he's like, no, it can make it coach and he checks his back of his leg for shit. And he's like, no, it looks like he's gonna be good. He just scrubs his teammate's head and tries to bounce it. I could have danced all night. Okay, actually, you know what?

We would actually like the other kid. I'm sorry. Oh, he's got his balls. He's dribbling his balls. He's doing a bridge and walking around the room. I'm sorry, everybody. But who if he takes the shot, he makes it. He wins the game. Everybody's happy now. Yeah, totally didn't see that coming. Yeah, exactly. It's nice to have a nice unpredictable ending there. So then we back out. Of course, we've got to make 90 fucking minutes here. So we back out to mom's bullshit

motivational speech right she's wrapping that up. Oh yeah, she's like, you know, sometimes you just got to get in the wheelbarrow And I'm like no, yeah, she's still talking about the wheelbarrow and at this point. No, you don't in neither neither in this story That you're telling me now or in the analogy that that's a story about nobody got in the wheelbarrow. The guy still made it across the tight rope. There would have been no reason to have another human. You put your son in the wheelbarrow and if we're carrying the method. And even in this movie when somebody got in the wheelbarrow, he fell down and almost died. You're right. Yeah, he made it about one and a half seconds. He's walking the wheelbarrow. But, but moms take away from all of that is sometimes you got to get in the wheelbarrow

because believing makes something possible. And I'm like, that's not how possible it works. Yeah, she literally said faith makes it real. And I'm like, yeah, the brain damage. That is the brain damage,, what's the answer ball? It's true. Oh, for fuck's sake. And then the best part of the whole movie

I'm so excited, oh my god. Yes. So we're gonna get a, we have like a real footage of the real hoovy play in and that meaningless high school football game where you're almost died several times. And then the movie gives us the breakfast club clothes. Mm-hmm. Sure does.

So it goes, it starts off by saying, who be went on to live his dream of playing college basketball. Don't ask where it'll be a dick. There's no, it doesn't matter. It's a college is where his sister, who's very important to the movie, is a mother. Oh my God. Yeah, right. Who literally said that?

Who be went on to be a dad and Jen went on to be a mother. Oh my god. Yeah, right. Who literally said that? Who be went on to be a dad and Jen went on to be a mom? I'm like, what a fucking failure. Do you have to be before they have nothing else in your breakfast club? Okay, you know what? I went on to be a podcaster. Isn't better so Never mind. But then just to make this thing fucking rec we him for a dream levels of depressing Yes, it comes on and says that mom and dad, they did lose their farm, but then they went on to sell Amway. So it's just vitamins. They did well with the supplement company.

On the MLM. Yes. There's literally nothing more Christian than a multi-level market. They got rich with an abel. And you know they went to everyone in town. They were like, you know that our stuff, there's nothing that helped him more. When his eyeballs were facing two different directions than these thrive shakes.

Didn't you love them, hun? Absolutely. You dubbed, yeah, right. They literally made the claim that Ruth is now one of the world's most sought out speakers They said that yes, they said that about the mom no she's No just her and Malala sitting backstage at the Ted talks What did you do kid you have to sell your farm? Brocco bomb is just like oh it wasn't really that big a deal.

What I did. What do you sell thrive? Is that? That's nice. And like, she's selling the whole story to Obama backstage. And he's like, why didn't, why didn't he just not play basketball? It seems really dangerous. You know, I wanted to go on a play and be able to, I was way better than him.

And I just recognized a certain point that, you know, that takes an enormous amount of, you know, never mind. It's fine. All right. So I guess I feel like the closing question is pretty obvious now that we've gotten all the way through and we're outside of that movie. And your expert opinion is the moral of this story, Malignant or benign. So get this, you guys.

I did some some Google in. Oh, really? I don't usually do the Google in, but I did some Google in. Guess where I think most of this family's money came from. Where's that hair? So. I feel like I know and I'm so excited. I think you do.

So a federal judge awarded the family, like let me see, half a million dollars in a settlement because on May 21, 2012, this family took a producer to court. The producer was named Christopher Ebert. He made lucky number 11 and Lord of War. Okay. Movies. He defrauded the father in this family of $615,000 because he promised him that he would make a movie about his son, but he needed the dad to invest in it.

Really? Yes. So the dad gives this producer over the course of, I don't know, several months, all of the seed money, the family ends up going bankrupt and everything is crazy again. And then the guy just like cuts and runs and he's not making the change. Yes. And in the one article you can find about this there lawyer is quoted at the end being like i don't know how much of the money we're gonna recover he declared that he's christ yeah and i love this at the very end of this article that i read it said the movie hoovy was later produced by

echo light studios with no budget for advertising and distribution and that was the last set oh it's even worse than that the movie was distributed through like Christian schools and churches. Oh. So yeah, there was never even a theatrical release for it. Yeah. Whoa. Wow.

Whoa. Just who be bringing his phone, playing the movie and into an empty theater? In theaters now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha We're trying to play the adventure. Sorry. I'm going. I'm going. Okay.

Don't hit me in the back of the head. I'll die. I also wanted to know what was up with Hoovy. Like, is he around and no lie. He's on Twitter. You guys are insurance salesman. Yeah. He's an insurance.

He has like 65 followers or something like that. It's really sad. And he's at who be in spires. Oh, God. To be fair, he does inspire me. He's a 65 people. But he is 57. He has 57. Oh, wow, he's lost a few. Hey, hey, podcast listener. Don't tweet mean shit at hoovy. Okay. He's not playing. He's not playing the game. Don't tweet mean shit at hoovy. Okay. He's not playing. He's not playing the game. Don't tweet mean shit at some insurance salesman in Idaho. Well, and to be fair, he tweeted about five times all in 2015. I think right when the movie came out, okay, I think you're probably

good. Tweet mean shit. I'm just still don't do it. Yeah. But yikes. Yeah. Give us a good charity for charity money and I will tweet. Yeah. That's better. I like it for you. Just conduit that. Yeah. That's better. I'll do it for you. Just conduit that. Oh, all right. Well, Cara, thanks again for hanging out with us and listeners. If you'd like to hear more from Cara, look for the talk nerdy podcast where we found this one or check the show notes for more info.

And well, that's going to do it for our review of who be that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to sneak back into your feed next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. We'll be watching the Christian MMA sports tagler that is the favorite. Why? Okay. So when that's a look, but we're doing going to bring episode three, twenty six to a merciful clothes once again, huge thanks to Kara for bringing the funny again and a perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go and quick reminder to get those donations into modest needs.org before Thanksgiving day.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows and scanning the A.V.S citation needed D&D minus in the Skeptocrite available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can get them out of movies at gmail.com, legal services for the spot catch provided by the law, this is the P.A.N. retours. Tim Robbins, it takes you here on our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Sotin, the director of So Marse, all of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morton Clark, and was used

with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathen right knee libos to the Amnolution Promise and Work Hard or no track next week until then. We'll leave you with the practice club clothes. I mean, how are we supposed to stop their own there? Okay, no, that's fans. Yeah, there's like literally nothing I can add to that. You went on to not be able to afford to not take advantage of the deals that the Elliott family is on.

Cara's new stand-up special triggered begins with a 25-minute set on why she should be allowed to call people to me. Oh no! Hashtag cancel Cara's hand. We're slip of the tongue and it sounds just like booby dammit. Damn it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha He's alone in my house for two days. One, doing that. Pretty depressing. Okay. Oh, the doctors in Christian movies.

I love doctors in Christian movies. They are constantly like, well, I'll tell you one thing. He'll never recover unless God reaches down from heaven and does it. We're really just jerking this, got this shit off over here. It's really no purpose at all in what we're doing. I stole this coke. I don't know where. What?

You know what I know that Manly Bans doesn't sell dinosaur bone rings. Sure don't. Sure don't. Maybe they, maybe cladistically there's just made of birds, you know. Yeah, that's no problem.

Chicken bone rings or pigeon. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2021 all rights reserved.