God Awful Movies - 328: Full Court Miracle

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

This week it's a Hanukah-tacular (and our third sports movie in a row) with special guest Rachel Wax. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Poor Lamont, he's just doing his damnedest to pretend none of this shit is weird and all of the food is good. And I've been there. I've been there, Lamont. And by the way, if they were doing really good locus or something, I would be like, oh yeah, he's having a great time, but they were like, try the filth to fit the horse's reddit. Yeah, so it's a whorse- Whorse reddit. You've ever seen a ground-up fish kept in a jar of liquid like a body part? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Hanukkah Tagular. It is a tagular. It's a tagular in the middle of October, though. This is a get ahead. I can say that because he's not here. Right. He's not here. We don't have to worry about him reading the calendar for an entire episode and sitting 10 feet to Eli's up is our special guest mask. She's a magician, a glutton for punishment and unrelated note. A returning guest Rachel wax Rachel. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for having me. I'm full of rage at you guys for making me watch this movie. So if that comes across as angry during the show, I, I don't apologize. It's how I feel. Okay. No, no, no need to every one of our guests is angry at the time we reach this point. So it's true. So tell us, Rachel,

what are you angry with us about? What are we going to be breaking down today? We watched full court miracle, the story of some shitty white Jewish kids using a black homeless guy to fulfill their dreams of becoming mediocre basketball players. Wow. It's rare that you can just do the straight read on that and it'd be so fitting with that. Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, four man. All right.

So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love basketball and mismatched stories of friendship, Jews and African Americans are probably your worst bet to make this movie about. Short of like a Chinese guy and a Japanese guy during the Massacre at Nanking, there are no two words to people. You could combine for your feel good Disney Channel movies. True. Yeah, so yeah, this is a Disney Channel film is also based on the true story of Lamont Carr or I mean, the part with Lamont Carr is based on the miracle shit is not based on the

Very loosely the the guy and it is a real guy who really toilet and she vets or coach to do your she vet at some point But that's pretty much the what makes the exceptionalist Can you believe that they overcame racism long enough to let this guy coach it to your sheva? That's the exceptional aspect of the story. It's the overarching, babe. And I mean, gosh, can we even count the number of players that he sent on to the NBA? I mean, there's no way it would be physically impossible to count zeroes of them, zeros of players.

All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I want to nominate this for best worst kids trying to talk black when they encounter African American ass. It was so cringey. It's like when an old guy meets a black person and changes their tone of voice. Yeah. And like goes in for like a weird, like hug, handshake thing. Yes. But doesn't do that with anybody else. It was that the movie.

We literally get that moment. The awkward like, oh, you guys do handshakes differently, don't you? I was so painful. Yeah. I like that we get all three levels of Jewish racism towards black people in this movie. There's the talk slow because maybe they don't speak English of the oldest generation. There's the, we're doing a handshake together of the medium generation and the, you're a servant, right? Will you work for me of the youngest generations, which is funny because it was the embodiment

of Eli's reaction to black people, my mother's reaction to black people and my father's reaction to black. We got them all, we got them all together. Okay. So, but I want to keep my job. So, we're not going to say which one is. Yeah. I was moving on. Yeah. So, we're going to go with, I was going to go with a best worst helicopter parent. Okay, because mom, she seems to want to be a helicopter parent, but like from a distance, like as long as it doesn't, she's a helicopter parent, but like from a distance, like as long as it doesn't she's a helicopter parent, like in intent, but then doesn't even come to her son's championship basketball game. It's as though she wants to be a helicopter parent, but then she realizes what a piece of

shit her son is every time they haven't seen together. Yeah. And she's like, ah, fuck it, I'm leaving again. Okay, that explains a lot. Yeah, no, that's a good theory. And I'm gonna go with best worst deciding what's a miracle in your movie. Look, my people, Jews, you have nothing on, I've seen Christians be like, my used car dealership went slightly better than expected. God himself has reached his hands on great car games.

These Jews are like, maybe, I don't wanna bother you, expected God himself has reached his hands. These shoes are like, maybe he's a guy. I don't want to bother you, but maybe if the emergency backup generator could last a couple of one minutes, it's a miracle for us. It's only I just love the way they slow play. Like this miracle takes like five opportunities to stop mid miracle, look directly at the camera and say, uh, you get this is a miracle now. It also, I mean, we'll get to it.

It bails on its first miracle. The first miracle, I was going to say, like, there's not really one big miracle, right? Like the first miracle, they're like, Oh, that black guy's a ghost. And then the movie's like, Oh, we can't, that black guy's a ghost and then the movie's like, oh, we can't pretend that black guys It goes this is based on a true story So they just choose a different miracle later on in the plot. All right, well, I'll tell you what we've got to spend a lot of time Talking about a sport none of us really no shit about so we're gonna go over our flashcards one more time But we're back at a flash with all the some of Judaism's

best friends or black messaging that is. Full court miracle. Can't believe I let you drag me to the wine store. I'm just getting a couple gifts, we'll be in and out, it'll be fun. Gentlemen, welcome to the greatest snifter of your own farts. Oh yes please. Gross, no. Also, I'm sorry, did you say...

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Nice. There they are, the Disney channels two star writers. How are you two? Good, I guess. Yeah, very excited to be here. And I can't tell you how excited we are at Disney to be making a movie about such an important spiritual day for your people. Actually, Hanukkah's not that important.

Yeah, it's just sort of been made more visible so Jewish kids can get presents around Christmas time. Right. Okay, all right, well, so we're gonna make a Hanukkah movie anyway. And we wanna capture a typical Jewish story. Oh, like an immigrant story. Are you mean like within the community? So we were thinking we're like, you know,

your mom wants you to become a doctor, but you're not sure if you wanna become a doctor. Would we say that's a typical Jewish story? Yeah, that doesn't seem like super Jewish to me. Oh yeah, yeah, no, sure. Like mom's a doctor, dad's a real estate agent, probably is struggling with your work in Hebrew school. Okay, sorry, I don't want to be rude.

It just seems like, like maybe you don't know anything about Jews except for very, very broad stereotypes. And I'm not sure we're gonna be able to write the movie that you're looking for. Oh, oh yeah, okay. Well, I guess, I guess not. I mean, after all, we were thinking the main character would be friend a black guy.

So I can see how that would be difficult. What if he's a basketball player? And an absent father. Now you're cooking with Lachke. Do you mean Lotka's? Sure. Yeah. And we're back for the break down and we're going to start off by establishing our location with a sweeping shot of Philadelphia's famous cock out statue of William Penn.

Yeah. So great. Poor Philadelphia. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Also, I want to be clear, are people under the impression that there was a stetal in the lower part of Philadelphia in the 90s? I was also confused about that.

Oh, what? Was the city putting on a production of Fiddler on the roof from 1992 to 1994 that they just let stay in the streets. I have no idea what's going on. A shuttle? It means like a Jewish village. Oh, okay. All right.

Yeah, because they have like, they have like Orthodox Jews pushing carts full of turnups. Also there are VW bugs driving by. It's a weird timeline. Yeah, I was confused about what year this movie was. Like I actually had to stop and check online to about what year this movie was. Like, I actually had to stop and check online to see what year it was made because it just seemed so bizarre. It was like 2000, right? 2003 somewhere around. Yeah, 2003. Okay. All right. So, yeah. So we're going to pan over to this shuttle and we're going to meet Alex who is walking

to school with, oh, I wrote school and it it's gonna turn out to be a Shiva with Julie. Yeah. Was that her name? She played such a small part in the movie. I couldn't even remember. I had to go back and insert that at some point, he says, listen, Julie. And I'm like, okay, finally, I can change her.

Girl lead. Yeah, I wrote girl lead in all of my notes. This, this movie forgets Julie like a grandma with Alzheimer's. It's a real bummer. Yeah. I'm not sure what part she played. Like, I don't even know. She like popped her head in every few scenes, said two lines, died for the rest of it.

It really felt like the Disney Channel had a six movie contract with this girl. They were trying to run out. Yeah, definitely. Right. Or she was supposed to be a romantic lead. And then like her and the boy filmed the scene where they kissed and all the Jews in the room were like, a shiqsa diva. So they caught it from the final.

Oh, absolutely. She's also just like a mean friend. Like she was a very Eliesque friend. The movie opens and she's just roasting him. And that's all she does in the movie is roast him. Right. She comes to all this basketball games just to give him a shit about how bad his team sucks. Yeah. And like to be fair, they do. But she's so unsupportive. But this movie wants us to know that she's like a cool tomboy girl. So in every scene, she's wearing a skirt over pants.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. They kept establishing that she can play basketball. And I was like, okay, at the end of the movie, she's going to play basketball and help the team win. No, no. Well, so I think maybe that was another one of those things that got cut when the, when the Jewish test audience saw it, right? Yeah, I'm sure. So during this walk to school, we have to establish Alex's singular personality trait, which is that he sure loves him some basketball. Okay. Let's talk about the elephant in the room up front. This movie is about a little three foot two Jewish boy who wants to be in the NBA and the movie will never make any attempt to make that

anything but a foolish hallucination. Well, so even to the point where he's like a full head shorter than all the other kids on the team, they'd ever even acknowledge that. Yeah. How older they supposed to be. I went back and forth the whole movie because he's three feet tall. Everyone else is eight feet tall. Some of them look 17. Some of them look eight.

Are they in high school? Are they in great school? They're supposed to be 15. That's not helpful to me. Is that high school? Yeah, that's high school. That's yeah, starting high school. Yeah, exactly.

But again, they go to your Shiva. So yeah, starting whatever that is. Yeah. So, but we established that he loves basketball. His team is terrible. They're gonna get destroyed by the warriors, which is the really good bad guy team. And then Julie leaves,

because she's gonna go to a real school while he goes to Yashiva. Yeah, she's like, I gotta go learn math and stuff. He's like, whatever. Yeah. But we also, this is where we meet the mean principal, Mrs. Klein. Yeah Is this supposed to establish her as the villain because she's mad at him for bouncing a basketball in the hallway?

You're not allowed to bounce a fucking basketball in the hallway people got to walk through that shit of course But we're supposed to be like oh she's the Main villain in this film I Sure hope somebody puts some kind of colored die in her shampoo later. So yeah, she's got Disney original movie villain written all over her where they can't be like murderers, but they're just like,

at things that kids don't like. Yeah, exactly. You're right. She also looks super not Jewish, right? So not Jewish, blonde. Yeah, I was like, what is she doing here? Is this the wrong, is he in the wrong building? Is he in the wrong building?

But yes, so she confiscates this basketball and then when everybody leaves, we see her try to basketball with it, but she can't, she's a lady. She can't. Yeah, basketball. That was also like, she can be goofy too. Yes. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So okay, so now we cut to and I've got this in quotes in my nose class

Where the kids are gonna learn all about Hanukkah, but but they're only gonna learn like the first fifth of the story Because it's only the beginning of the movie. Yeah, yeah, And it's also nice because these are Jews. So we haven't like cleaned up and shined up the Old Testament yet. So he's like, all right, now technically this is because the Jews have pissed off God again and he's letting the Philistines kill them. But you don't have to pay attention to that. Yeah. I had to pause the movie here and call my mom to just thank her for not sending me to

Jew school. Yeah. Because here's the other thing. If they're in high school already, why are they like just now learning about Hanukkah? He's explaining it. Right? He's like in a land called Yisrael. And I was like, what?

Yeah, we've heard of it, man. Fucking what? You're in a Yisheba and you're supposedly in high school. You're just now learning about the story of Hanukkah. They teach you that shit when you're a child. What? Oh, Jesus, yeah, right. I also love he starts to write 165 BCE on the chalkboard,

but the Christian test audience made him cut it before he got to the E. Right. Yeah. But yeah, before he got to the E. Right. Yeah. But yeah. So he's telling the story and he's like, but what is real needed when they went up against Antiochus to Philistita, whoever the hell that was, was a great point guard.

We'll get to, it's a, the knowledge we're going to get there. We're going to get there, but they need a great leader is what he's saying. I also love that in the like fantasy version of this that the kid Alex has going on in his head Antiochus is Roman because they can't make him Arabic because even in the 90s they knew how that was going. So they're like, ah yes, Antiochus is the famous Roman leader. Right. So he's having this like daydream about playing basketball because it's all he thinks about.

And like, let's be honest, 15 year olds are not thinking well, basketball, that's why I'm like, so those cheerleaders certainly wouldn't have been so fully dressed. Yeah, that seemed like a really not accurate part of the movie, but it was there. I don't know if it was my TV. Was there a weird like film going on, like over like a filter to show that he was day dreaming?

Like we didn't already get the idea because he was dressed like a fucking macabre. It was like a shitty first release Instagram filter. Yes. Yeah, well, okay. So he goes into this stage dream where he's like the Mac be basketball player going up against Antioch as the Roman and as they're doing this, they're in the like a desert scene. So they've got sand blowing through, but they've used way too much sand. Everybody's just squinting and just like, okay, we cut plays my eyes to the whole fucking scene. Yep. And then on top

of that, it's got the weird gray Zack Snyder doing a superhero movie filter over, right? Yeah. I expected Brendan Frazier to go chasing a mummy in the background of this. So, yeah. So, but then that like daydream thing or whatever eventually cuts to a real basketball team where Alex's team is not doing very well. Yeah. And we also see their their coach here coach Simowitz, whose theme will be people asking him to do things that aren't his job throughout this movie. Really quickly though was he also didn't look Jewish to me. Coach Simoets.

Yeah. Coach Simoets looked very Jewish, right? Okay. All right. Well, I feel like I need to just back off on the who looked the most Jewish. You are too. This is for me. You are too.

This is for me. I'll just sit down. I'll pack a bowl of snacks. I don't know. He looked to me like a gory like overly playing a Jew. Okay. All right. I'll let the audience to screenshot and argue over it. Is this the hill I am dying on?

I actually, I loved this joke, right? Where Alex is like, hey, coach, Simu, say maybe a little coaching. He's like, right, coaching, and he just turns around to the crowd and goes, let's go, Lions, here we go. Is that coaching? I was like, I don't think that's for coaching,

is but. Oh, we also get to meet TJ, or as I have him in my nose, baby Noah, right during the game, the ref is like, oh, you know, that's a foul on you. And he's like, fuck you. Yes. Yes, baby Noah. This is a subplot that the movie abandons for a moment.

But it is excellent that they're just like, yeah, no, we have one of our characters with an obvious psychop of the great problem. I also like, I don't know about you guys, but I have never seen teenagers speak to adults in authority with this much anger and who aren't their parents, I mean. Really? I mean, who talks to their coach like that? Like that's crazy.

Yeah, no, this is very much boys writing Jewish children because Jewish children would have been like, dear referee, when you call me on that typical fellow. Exactly. To just walk up and be like, fuck you man. I was like, how are you not expelled for that? I did. Okay, so yeah, obviously we had Rachel,

we met as adults, because she was not born when I was a kid. So yeah, okay, so it's the next morning. The gang is heading into Yashiva today. I just love this little moment. One of the kids is bragging about how many gigabytes of memory his hard drive is going to have. And I'm like, yeah, there is, there is no way to date your movie quicker than that other than like heathen to get ahead episode jokes right. It's got 200 gigs of memory. I watched that as my computer had a thumb drive with 400 gigs of memory plugged into. Yeah. Yeah. And so this is also where we meet. So, you know, of course, this is the movie follows Alex, but his gang of friends, his basketball team

are going to be central to it. This is also where we meet another of his friends stick. The kid's name is stick. Yep. The fuck was that? And he's the good Jewish boy that's always more worried about, you know, the religious aspect of everything. You know, like, when everybody's bragging about what they're going to get for Hanukkah, he's like, I just wish you people would remember the real reason for the holiday. That's stick.

Yeah. This was also really not realistic to me that these, again, teenage boys, we're having like a very heated intense argument about Hanukkah, which a, doesn't fucking matter to any Jew. And b, really, you're not talking about who you want to fuck in the ninth grade. Like, there's no way that that is what they're talking about when they're together.

Yeah. It's a, right. So they're having this, like, come on, that's a fairy tale. What are the odds of oil burning for eight days? That's literally impossible and only could be a miracle. Yep. And then they start bragging about their PSAT scores, which is at least a little more realistic.

Rachel, for clarity, that was the test your parents told you was out of 100 that you did really well on. That's what the police said. Oh. Yeah. I never knew what went on with that, but people always like gave me a weird look when I told them my score.

I assume they were blown away. Some people go to college right away. Some people wait a little bit. Don't worry about it. It's not a deal. You went to acting school. Go fuck yourself. That's fair.

That's fair. You went to fashion school. That's what I do. I'm a fashion designer. You're not an actor. That's also fair. So now it's time for like a father's son moment here. So we go home that evening. Alex is complaining to his dad the rest of the team just isn't taking the basketball seriously

enough. Yeah, he he tells his dad that this like Jewish fucking intermediate tournament thing is going to be quote the most important event of his life. Um, but before he says that he goes, we've lost 20 straight games. They should quit. You know, that's why why is this? Uh, it's over 20 get you're done. This is such a heartbreak because Rachel as we're recording this, the Jaguars have set a record by losing 20 straight games in the NFL. No other teams have ever done that except the Tampa Bay. But there's as an expansion. Uh, what sport is that? I don't, I don't know. It's football. It's the only one that I care about. And they're in the NFL. No other teams have ever done that except the Tampa Bay. I'm here as an expansion. What sport is that? I don't know. It's football. It's the only

one that I care about. And they're in the process of losing their 21st. I think it's right now. It's tied 20, 20, 25, three minutes in the fourth quarter. They should quit. I know. I know. They sound sad. They're so bad. How amazing would it be if this year the Jaguars just quit? We're bad at football. We'll come back when we're better at football. I mean, that's what it sounds like to me, like, yeah, that's, they should be allowed to do that, honestly, at a certain point. Yeah, this, cause next year they will be, anyway, adulthood doesn't have enough mercy rules. I've always said that. Yeah. But yeah. So Alex's team is the jaguars of this particular basketball league. Yeah, that's what we learn in this scene.

And he dreams of going to the NBA one day, but his mom doesn't think he'll ever make it to the NBA because he won't. Because he won't. I mean, look at him. I was confused about this conversation though, because I kind of like lost the thread. He was like, this is the biggest game of my life

and his parents were like bigger than education. Remember when you wanted to be a superhero? And I don't know who constructed that sentence or how they got from, you wanna play basketball? Remember when you wanted to be a superhero? Like what is the connection there? Maybe they were going for a, you know how it's impossible for you to be a Kryptonian who waited on earth as a baby.

Oh, now it makes sense. Yeah, well, so mom is very generous in her calculus too. She's like, look, okay, so here's the number of adult males in the, in the, in the country. Here's the number of adult males in the NBA. So your odds are one and one and I'm like, no, no, those are not, that's not how you'd get those odds. They don't randomly select the NBA players. But you know what, they fucking should.

If every year they just randomly allotted all professional athletes, like, yes, sometimes you get a good guy on your team, but like one of your eyes just get picked for the fucking Dallas Cowboys is like, ah, I got conscripted this year. I'm a Dallas Cowboy. I would start watching basketball. We all would. We would want to watch every sport. Also, keep in mind, this movie is again, like with the Tom Boy girl, they're trying to code themselves as a cool progressive movie because note, Dad's cooking and mom is the one coming in from work. Oh, you're right.

And I don't know. I noticed that neither of you called this out in your notes. I don't know if you noticed Dad's apron. It said, kiss me. I'm kosher. Sure did. Throw up in my mouth a little bit. I loved it.

No, please get that apron, Eli, because you know fucking Uncle Mark over at the How-To Heretic was at a store and he was like, there, that's a Jewish apron. Oh, my God, for the dead. Nope. Yeah, so but mom tells him he's never going to make it in the NBA. So Alex goes downstairs to mopally shoot some hoops. Dad comes down to have a heart to heart, make some dad jokes. And look, this seemed bored me and I don't care about anything that happened, but very importantly, they could not get a single shot of these two actors shooting and

sinking a basket ball. It is always shoot, cut away shot of a ball going into a hoop shoot, cut away shot of ball going into a hoop. Yeah. And the dad is just like, come on, man. Of course your mom wants you to be a doctor. Remember we're Jews. That's what you're supposed to do. Also side note, any time that Alex calls his dad old, the dad says, I'm well seasoned. And honestly, I think we should make that a thing for guys in their 40s.

It would make me feel less bad about sleeping with them. I don't. Oh, it's too bad he's not on this episode to take a stand on your side, Rachel. Right. He's missing out. It's okay. He's busy. So now we have to cut back to that rabbi. This is rabbi Lewis.

We have to establish him as the cool rabbi. So he's finishing up some stuff in his office. He has to crumble up a piece of paper and throw it away. So he starts playing a little basketball with himself, well, Bill will silly. And this is also where he, when Alex walks in, he does his catchphrase, which I fucking love and I'm stealing. What's on your mind besides the Yamaha? I hated that so much.

And I know you're going to start saying it. And I just want you to know it's the end of our friendship. But so the gist of this thing though is that Alex has shown up to ask at his school, can please hire someone who knows which type of ball his sport is played with to coach them? It's a pretty small ask, honestly. I feel like it is. I'm on team rabbi here because he's basically like, look, kid, this is a Shiva.

We don't even hire real teachers for math and shit. That is true. But then the Rabbi turns it into a religious thing. He's like, look inside yourself. And he's asking him questions so that he doesn't just have to be like, no, we can't hire a fucking coach. Right. Yeah, exactly. Maybe this is a lesson from God. He's like, well, maybe it's just you being a cheap bastard and not wanting to show up for a fucking coach. Yeah, look, as a kid who probably should have realized he was an atheist when he was eight or nine years old,

I'm used to rabbis giving mystical answers. Yeah, he's not gonna give me some more questions. I just think the rabbi blew his load too early here. He was like, look into your heart for the budget for a basketball. Yeah, exactly. So, but the, but the wisdom he leaves him on is something about finding their Judah Maccabee, finding their leader. So that afternoon, he shootin' hoops with Julie at the park, wondering what that last thing was all about when suddenly he sees an African American. Okay.

Thank you Noah because to be clear, this movie does just frame it in the terms of this Jewish kid seeing a black man and he's like, there he is. There's the guy who is our basketball coach right there. He is the proper color. Yes. And the connection between the two scenes is like, God will send you a basketball coach or a black guy. Either fine. Just do it. Well, it's just he will become a basketball coach. If he's homeless and you offer to pay him. Okay. I'm

getting ahead of myself, but crazy billionaire remaking this movie. The first nine black guys, the approaches don't play basketball. It's like, it's you. I just, I just work at this radio, Shaq, man, you got to stop coming in here. Teach me how to make love. Oh my God. And when Alex goes to talk to him, he immediately slips into cool black guy talk. Yep. Like without missing a baby. He's just like, hey, man, what's going on? Yeah, he goes over there to befriend this This is, now keep in mind, this is just some adult out shooting baskets at the park or whatever. And he's like, no, man, I don't want to be friends with a 14 year old that I just met

at a park. That's creepy. Yeah. The cops will not believe that you started this. Exactly. He's like, I'll tell you what, I'll challenge you to a game of horse. And if I win, you have to be my friend. And he's like, I would just, I would just leave, though. I could just know. No, that's not how this works. Isn't a riddle. Stop. I felt so bad for this guy. Like,

Alex really, and again, this is another thing. Like, I can't imagine a child of this age, like speaking to a strange adult like this. He was like, no, man, come on, come on. You gotta, you gotta hang out with us. Tell me your life story. Tell me your name. And this guy's like, dude, I just, I need you to back up, please. Yeah. The first full third of this movie is just a very realistic reaction of an adult who's being stalked by a Jewish guy. Right. Yeah, exactly. I got to say Rachel, knowing that you do entertainment at Mitzvahs, I am shocked that you're shocked

at a kid talking to an adult like Noah, because of how they talk to adults, I actually don't do entertainment at Mitzvahs. Oh, okay. All right. Well, that's, there you go. Okay. That explains it. I got roasted by a nine year old last week and I have not stopped thinking about it for

a second. He is inside your head. That child is in such a head. He lives in my head, run free. It's awful. So yeah, so but the guy leaves and doesn't tell him his name, but it's okay because Alex makes a note of his license plate. And I wrote my notes, what does he have a guy on the force? It's gonna trace that plate. Yeah, can you google that? I don't think that's a Googleable thing. Well, no, it's not. So they do something that's ever so slightly less unrealistic,

which was that he recognized what kind of specialty plate that out of the state that doesn't border the state he lives in license plate was. He recklessly, he looks at it for one second. He's like, oh, that's state of Virginia. It's a booster for the University of Virginia. I bet he's a former University of Virginia player. He's doing the level of stalking that I do

when I meet somebody on a dating app. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And this is where the movie plays with its first idea of a miracle here, where he turns to the super Jewish friend who wanted to put the hob back in Hanukkah. And he's like, maybe he's the immortal incarnation of the actual Judah Maccabee

and you see both of these child actors pause and be like that's that's not what the movie's about. Don't worry. That's just it was really a serious turn. We're just moving the plot forward by saying that but don't worry. We're not gonna make him a ghost. Look, his nickname is even the hammer. Huh? His license plate was 165, which is the year BCE when all this stuff happened, the Hanukkah stuff. And the license plate said J.M., which stands for, June of Mac.

June of Mac. June of Mac. He's coincidence, I think, not. I think not. He's an undead. You go. Yep. There you go. So, but the end result of all their online stalking is that they discovered that this guy was a college great named Lamont Carr who was in the NBA and then got injured or whatever, whatever. So now knowing that we cut to Alex trying to talk his buddies into helping him recruit this guy

as their new coach. Yeah. And what's amazing is like, he is going to provide the information for how this works. So this whole scene is just them being like, how do we attempt an adult we don't know into hanging out with a children? Yep. Yeah. Well, and they also don't explain what the hell he wants.

Because it's not like this kid, well, at what the hell he wants to because it's not like this kid Well, at least I'm it's near as I knew it's not like this kid could hire a coach So I'm like what are they gonna are they gonna kidnap him? What is the plan right and they're reading this stuff about him online And they're like a gift from God. Yeah a gift from God a random black guy who doesn't want to speak to you You did it. Yeah. So anyway, so they go to the park to watch him play basketball and then they, they're all like standing at the fence, having this conversation about whether or not he is the literal reincarnation of Judah, Maccabee.

Really wanted him to turn around at this point. I can hear you. I'm a real person. I'm a person. I'm not a ghost. I'm not a, I'm not a, I know I'm the only black person you've ever seen, but it's actually very destructive for you to just assume because you've never seen a black person before that I'm a ghost warrior, but I'm just a man. I'm a human being. Yeah. So, so Alex goes to give him another pitch on being their coach. And of course,

in the background, we have his buddies being hilariously bad at basketball. And they can't think of a way to do that. So they're just like falling down. That was insane. They're falling onto each other's dicks like a yowie. It's hilarious. Also, like I can imagine it being a point of being like, Hey man, like we're the next stars in basketball. Like we want you to be a part of this.

Like we want you to really help us win. And instead, it's like we can't even run in a straight line. Can you teach us basketball, Mr. Black man, sir? Yeah. It's like if the mighty ducks had all been conscripted to the team. But yeah, so but LeMont is is unconvinced. He doesn't want to be their coach. So Alex just whips out his wallet and he's like, I, what is it going to take to convince you? Hey, if you're making a Jewish movie, just quick tip. You could not have all of the central Jewish characters constantly try to bribe adults into behaving the way they want them to.

Yeah, that was pretty cringey. And he also says to this guy, he goes, we need you, man. Don't you believe in helping the less fortunate? And I was like, wait a second. Hold on. This group of mega wealthy white Jewish kids are less fortunate than this homeless gentleman. Please help us. Yeah, the movie is going to reveal to us shortly that he is homeless, which really puts a turn on this. Yeah. Well, so here's what I love about it. Alex gives him 20 bucks. And he says, here's 20 bucks. I'll give you the other half after you give us a lesson. And Lamont takes

his fucking money and drives off. He says, come back at four o'clock tomorrow. If he just never showed up again, I would love this introduction. This is my favorite movie. Yeah. That's true. I do not blame this gentleman for any of his behavior. There is a child harassing him. Yeah. So he takes the 20 drives off. Next do not blame this gentleman for any of his behavior. There is a child harassing him. Yeah, so he takes the 20 drives off. Next morning, we got to make fun of mom's bad cooking again. This will be the last time this comes back. I wish they would stop doing that. Yeah. And it's such a weird trope in movies when they have to show a mom as a bad cook or a dad is a bad cook. They never just burn anything, right? In this case, she's messed up frozen

waffles like this woman's a doctor. She could read the side of a box, right? If you want to make someone a bad cook, just make their eggs bad. You don't have to be like, here's a frozen waffle. I put a nail through it. A covered in gasoline and set it on fire. Yum yum. And she even like dumps them out of the box like an idiot. Like she doesn't know how to reach her hand into a box. So I was like, I was like, I feel like this woman's a surgeon.

Like I feel like she could reach her hand into a box of frozen waffles. Like, she's not a toddler. We cut over to her surgery. She's just gently shoving a frozen waffle. It turns out she's in the middle of a huge malpractice lawsuit. Yeah, she's season four of Dr. Death. Oh my God. Can't wait for that to come out. So, but what we're learning in this scene is that there's a like,

bring your kid to work day at the hospital or something. And mom wants her son to be a part of it because she wants him to want to be a doctor. Yeah, it's a real bummer when they did that during COVID. Let me tell you. Yeah, no kid. I feel like any days of bad day for that, but yeah. So okay, and then despite my fervent hopes to the contrary,

Lamont shows up the next day to coach him. So we get the whole like scene where he makes them run back and forth real hard. This is great because look, I look, I know nothing about basketball, but I think I can say enough to know that like, you can't get good at basketball by running drills, right? But this movie is not going to show the complexity of teaching children basketball. So he's just like, sprints, do sprints and you will be better at basketball at the end of the movie. I would disagree with that. I think you need to build up like

like any time I've ever seen a movie with any kind of sport, there are conditioning drills. Like I think this is pretty standard. So it's kind of ridiculous that the kids are like, God, how could he be making us run laps? Why is he doing this? This guy's just like, yeah, I mean, you guys literally can't even run in a circle. This is insane. You fall down when you're standing still. Of course, I've got, that's what blew me away about this scene

is that they're doing the most basic, like, windspirit type shit in the kitchen going like, we want us to do what? You want us to murder him with a stick. Like it's just it's him. Like what have you guys been doing in practice? Yeah, it also makes it a lot more reasonable that they haven't won a game in two years, seeing as they can't do one single round of windsprints. Okay, but to be fair to the kids, I think none of them

were expecting to have to run so much because they are all wearing jeans and four shirts of piece. Oh my God. Take your winter coats off. They're like panting and sweating. And I'm like, yeah, man, you're wearing a North face. Yeah. And we watch him sadly go back to his van. This is where we learn that he's homeless and he sends the money back to his family. And look, very heartwarming Disney Channel original movie. I really did want him to just like pull out a meth pipe and be like, you see that 40 fucking free bucks today. And it's time for more practice. We cut from one practice to another immediately. But

this time sticks wants to make sure that, you know, this guy lines up with the history of Judah, Macaby in terms of sibling number and father's name. Yeah. And of course, by coincidence, he does because the movie's still toying with the idea that this guy might be an undead warrior prince. Yeah, but that's enough for sticks. Fixed like, yeah, no, he had the right brothers and fathers. He is an undead warrior prince. Yeah. All right. What am I? Yeah, but that's enough for sticks. Fixed like, yeah, no, he had the right brothers and fathers. He isn't on dead war.

Your prince. All right. What am I? When the prince, here we go. Well, and I don't doubt that like this is something that some guy did what he was at the Yashiva. They noticed that like this that Lamont car had like, you know, these five things in common with Judah, Maccabee, and, you know, and made that into this story.

But the idea that those would just be the things that this kid decides to check on is hilarious. Yeah. Well, also he's going about it like, I'm going to prove he's not really true to Mac and he could why then he can't coach you in basketball like for what purpose? Right. It's almost irrelevant at this point. Exactly. But yeah, and also both of his answers, he almost gets wrong and then he gets right.

And he's like, his father's name should be Matthew. And they're like, what's your dad's name? He says, well, everybody called him Skip. And they're like, ah, and he's like, put his real name was Matthew. And like, fuck, duh, undid Jewish prince. And he's like, okay, how many brothers do you have? And he's like, three.

And they're like, oh, it should have been four. He's like, my fourth brother died 10 years ago. And they're like, oh, wow should have been four. He's like, my fourth brother died 10 years ago. And they're like, oh, wow. Guess he is three incarnated ghosts. I'm too dumb to back up. All right, yep. And then at the end of this scene, this is my favorite baby Noah, the one with the anger problem

is like, if I throw an extra 10 bucks in there, can we x-ne the article, okay? And he's like, no, and he's like, shh, fuck you. Well, and then also we have to see bad guy team stop by to pick on him. You'll never beat us in the big act three tournament. Mm hmm. Other fuckers. Yeah. Also, like, did you guys have this much like disposable cash when you were this? Oh, no, at 15. No. This is going on imagining what how much money. This is none of this tracks like I feel like I had $15 a week when I was that age to like buy a coffee.

Yeah, these kids could scrape up $40 a day between them for several days for the scope. Yeah, they might as well dip into their bags of jughold that they wear around their neck to some point in the scene So yeah, well that transitions into the next scene right where they're all like gee How the fuck are we gonna continue to pay for this? And I'm just like why don't you ask your parents if they can put this 40 bucks a day to teach five kids basketball doesn't seem like That's steep right also like why is this a secret right? That's steep, right? Also, like, why is this a secret? Right.

Their parents know they play basketball, so it's not crazy for them to be like, hey, we found this guy to coach us, like, can you pay $10 each or whatever? And they're like, they can't know. We must raise the money through the black market. Yeah, yeah, but we'll be because that's more interesting plot-wise, I guess, but yeah.

Really playing it fast and loose with the word interesting. So yeah, but so Alex decides that he can raise the cash if he sells his prized doctor J card. No, what was that? I did. It's like a like a baseball card for basketball players. Collector's cycle. All right. I spent a really long time trying to find out what that was worth. And they're like, basketball cards aren't the same as baseball cards. So they have like different ones with different players. Yeah, I did, I did the same.

I couldn't find that specific card, but yeah. So okay, so but then we got him, the Julie shows backups, remind us, she's in the movie and they're discussing his plan to sell the card to raise the money. Julie doesn't like it. Damn it. Yeah. I will love this. The movie barely touches on this, but they agree that Julie's going to do the doctor

shadowing program instead of him. I was very confused by that. So she wants to be a doctor apparently. Yeah. I get it. That's never established. Nope. So it's just and also so the doctor program the mom's not going to be there

It's like a shadowing thing and does he think his mom just won't find out that his friend went instead of him Yeah, we'd never really flesh that out it any meaningful way He lies and says he went to it like mom won't notice that it was a Hispanic girl Right, yeah, I really wanted the scene where the her colleague comes over and is like, yeah, I mean, wow, your son was great. You never mentioned that he was a Hispanic girl named Julie. I don't know. Well, heads up about that. So, yeah, so, but meanwhile, we get Lamont learning that his van is all fucked up and he can't afford to get it fixed even on his 40 bucks a day coaching job. I wrote in my notes, oh, look, Lamont is dealing with any service person in New Jersey

I've ever met in my entire life. Oh, that's going to cost you $180 billion. Goodbye. You don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And he's like, oh, I got to keep coaching. I really need the cash. 80, but that's not going to fix your van. Nope. Anything a car needs fixed is like what? Hundreds and hundreds

of dollars. That's right. Yeah. Exactly. If you're lucky, hundreds and hundreds, yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. But Alex shows up and he's like, don't worry. We'll raise more, even more money. And he's like, you know, I just, I don't feel bad about taking your money, kid, for whatever reason. I'll, I'll take more of it. Yeah, that'll be fine. We also have an established that he's in Philadelphia waiting for a tryout, a call to try out for the sixers.

Yeah. That's gonna come back into the plot. But he, you know, he's only coaching them until the sixers call. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Which is weird. Do the Sixers do like open calls like Broadway, like you hang out in the McDonald's across

from the equity office that you get to change the so shoot three basketballs? I mean, this the the situation he was in is a fairly realistic one, especially the fact that he was impoverishing himself for this desperate effort to play for like three games or whatever. Yeah. You do hang out in the McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah. You got to be the right guy, but yes.

Uh huh. Go. This was also weird because Alex is basically like, hey, but just so you know, like all my friends are really not enjoying this thing that I forced you to do in coaching us. So if you could be a less good coach and coach us less and make us do less hard stuff, that would be great. Yeah. Uh-huh. So, yeah. So the kids, the rest of the team shows up and he goes, there's this great moment. He goes, Hey, my dogs. And then baby Noah goes, Hey, don't call me a fucking dog. You anti-Semite bitch. Never forget. Calls him a slur. They get in the first place.

There is no way that they made it to this age without without ever hearing someone being called a dog. It's two thousand three. When the word, and but yeah, he has to stop. He's two, it's two, it's two, it's two, it's three. Yeah. When the word, and but yeah, he has to stop. He's like, no, man, that's just, you know, my dog, no, no, no, no, okay. Yeah, at this point, I wrote in my notes, if the rest of this movie is just an African American explaining slang to Jewish children, I'm in and I will watch this movie every day, like I'm praying to fucking mecca But no, they're gonna do basketball stuff. It's very sad. Yeah, they just do a bunch of you We see him coach all the kids a little bit

But at any rate the it culminates with him sort of Half-assedly verbally committing to continuing to teach them and I Mean that's the plot is, if you're waiting for the plot to kick in, you're doing this movie wrong. So I feel like we can just take a break there, but we'll be back in a minute with even more full court miracle. This podcast is sponsored by Petter Help.

Okay, alphabet soup, all right, chicken noodle, right. Wait, wait, chicken mushroom. This is that order. Hey, what are you doing? Oh, hey, you lie. What up? Oh, I was just checking to see how the therapist search was going. You know, the one you've been telling everybody,

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with the help of an experienced professional plus God awful movies listeners get 10% off their first month at better help dot com slash awful All right, I'm in hypothetically Hey, he you text to me and told me to come in to tell you that there was an emergency No, no, you mean there is an emergency, right? There's an emergency. that's why you can't- No, no, no, just a text. You're the worst, I hate you. She's talked to someone about that. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Joshua, can we speak to you for a moment? Sure mom, sure dad, what's up? Well champ, it's about your future. I know that you love motorcycles, but your mother and I, we're really hoping that you'd be a doctor. Aw, darn it mom and dad, don't you understand? That's your dream. I have my own dream to be a motorcycle.

At we know you do, son, we know. Right, but you can't be a motorcycle. Well, not if you don't believe in me, I can't. Well, he does have us there, hun. No, no, he doesn't. He can't be a motorcycle. It's a machine with wheels made of metal and plastic and stuff.

Look, mom, did you always want to be a doctor? Yes. And if Grandpa hadn't encouraged you, I mean, you wouldn't have gone to medical school, would you? Probably not. So why can't you believe in my dreams? I mean, I know the chances of me being a literal motorcycle, the physical object aren't high, but can't you just let me believe? Oh, I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. What way? He can't be a motorcycle! He is a human being!

You guys are the worst! You know, you're not the woman I married. Am I crazy? I feel like I'm fucking crazy and they're gone. All right. Great. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open back up with Alex on the phone trying to figure out how they can

raise enough money for Lamont. Now, I have to underscore this bit because this starts with an exterior street shot, right? We're outside of Alex's house, but we don't know that. We don't recognize that. We're outside on the street and Alex is saying to a friend, there's no other way to make the money, man. Yeah. From off camera. I was worried about where we were going with that. I thought the guy from Requiem for a dream was going to open up the door and you like come on in, kids. Yeah, this was about to get pretty dicey. Yeah, but no, he was on the phone talking about selling his basketball card. Then a mom comes in and she's like, hey, how was the hospital shadowing thing that you were a part of today? And he's like, right, good. Oh, it was in a building. I was the hospital shadowing thing that you were a part of today. And he's like, right, good.

Oh, it was in a building. I was there. All he said was, it went by so fast. And she said, I knew you'd love it. I didn't even pretend. But I loved it. Yeah, exactly. I don't think the mom hears what he says ever.

No. None of her responses really line up to what he says. So I'm, Well, what's funny is like one of the subplots of the movie is that she is a terrible, terrible parent and the movie seems to be completely oblivious to that. Yep. Okay, so now it's the next morning and we see how they're going to get the money. They have decided to run an espresso stand on the sidewalk outside of their

Yashiva. Apparently that espresso machine is battery operated. Yeah, they've got one of those battery slash self steam powered espresso machine. Yeah, super cool. Well, there's a bucket brigade off screen delivering the water. So it's really, it's a bit logistically. This is difficult. Okay. but aside from the logistics, like I don't see anything wrong with them trying to have a little coffee stand to raise the money themselves, and yet we're supposed to be like, ooh, bad.

Right, they're being bad. Right, when Mrs. Klein shows up and sees them, that the evil teacher from before, they have to let, they're like, oh, it's a fundraiser for, uh, uh, uh, uh, you know, kids who need better coordination, you know, why not just, yeah, we're raising money so that we'll have money. Yeah. Also, there's a lot of like Jews probably do that in this scene.

First of all, I think they didn't give them a lemonade stand because they were like, nah, Jews wouldn't do a lemonade stand. They would do a, what are they Starbucks? They would do a Starbucks. They would start a Starbucks. To be fair. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I also like how Mrs. Klein like can't turn them down after they say it's a fundraiser. Like it's some kind of magic. Like, oh no, we said it's a fundraiser and we're Jews. You know the rules. It's crazy, no, we said it's a fundraiser and we're Jews. You know the rules, right?

It's raising funds. That's true. That's true. But you better give at least the percentage of that money to Israel in a way that's problematic. I'm probably like, I just want to cut in here. I mean, a lot of Jews have stomach problems and acid refluxism on them. So that for them to not do a lemonade stand is actually pretty like religiously accurate. They just have a jar of thumbs. They're doing a dollar a pill. Okay, so then we've got we cut back home. Mom is bragging to dad about how hospital shadowing their son is, right? Yeah. Right? And she's like,, hey wait, where is my battery operated?

What are generating espresso machine? And he's like, yeah, that's usually sitting on the counter. Yeah, they're like, you must have just misplaced it. Right. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I hate it. When you've got the espresso machine in your hand, you open the fridge, just in what you want, and you end up setting it and you're like, ah, how did this make my way to get up in the fridge? So, yeah, then you drop it by the front door with your keys, the whole thing. Right, yeah, exactly. Involve in there.

So, but just then Mrs. Klein calls to tell Mom that she saw Alex selling a espresso on the street, because you know, that's the kind of thing you would, you would call about, of course, he's supposed to be doing the hospital shadowing at just that moment. Yeah. So he gets in trouble. Mrs. Klein comes and busts him. And then we get him getting chewed out of his by the cool rabbi. And I'm so, he reverse, Jews him, right?

He's like, I think fundraising so that a strange man can teach you basketball isn't a great idea. And he's like, no, the Torah says be kind to strangers. And he's like, ah, you got me the Torah. The Torah. Yeah, the Torah. God damn it. Fine. Go higher, random black guy to spend time alone with children.

It was also weird. He was like, you're hustling strangers at a money for coffee selling people coffee. Right. Hustling them at an A. Nope. Did I miss something? Just like, if you're anti-capitalist, that's one thing. You know, let's have a discussion there. Also, like they are giving them coffee. They're not telling them dirt water. Right. Yeah, exactly. It was real coffee. It's not a dunk in doughnuts. Right. Now that's awesome. But so then cool rabbi solution to this whole problem is that he's invited Lamont to some weird Jewish ceremonial dinner thing. So he won't be a

stranger anymore. And now he'll be able to teach the kids basketball. So this is the Sabbath, which they call Shabbos. And all of Noah's notes for this scene are like, what is happening? When do they sacrifice him? Is there a goat here? Also, my note is actually about poor Lamont. He's just doing his damnedest to pretend none of this shit is weird and all of the food is good.

And I've been there. I've been there, Lamont. And by the way, if they were doing like really good locus or something, I would be like, oh yeah, he's having a great time, but they were like, try the filth to fill the whole. Yeah, so it's so fresh. You have ever seen a ground up fish kept in a jar

of liquid like a body part? Here it is, it's nice in room temp. Ha, ha, room, Tim. Have you ever hoped your food looked like a background setting from a Frankenstein movie? Well, then come on down to get filled in fish. Have some, have some of the chopped liver. She said Jesus Christ. And he was like, wow, this is num num num num. Yummy. Yeah, and he was like, wow, this is numb, numb, numb, numb.

Yeah, me and my chummy is a colorech. Yeah. Now, Rachel, we should part the curtain that doing this to your non-Jewish friends is a Jewish tradition, right? Is that you know? Oh, yeah, no, 100%. And then it's whoever can keep a straight face the longest while you do weird Jewish shit and for them.

You marry them. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And of course they have to have him like make a faux pas and it's stupid. They couldn't think anything normal. He's like, Oh, now could I trouble any of you for a glass of milk? Who the fuck would want to ask for a glass of milk after his fish? I was thinking that too, but I've gotten in trouble before for making fun of lost people for drinking milk with like a steak dinner.

And they look at me like I'm the asshole. So I didn't wanna be like this fucking idiot asking for a glass of milk, but that is what I thought. And then they look at him like he just brought up the Holocaust. Yes, exactly. Yes. And he's like, right, weird Jewish food. He may as well have been like, could I get a little cocaine to sprinkle on him to build

a fish? This dinner is delicious, man. It should be okay for Palestinian kids to get as close to offenses they want, right? Exactly. I looked him. Also, quick note, the woman serving them food is in a wig because she's mega Jewish. Was it just my screener was her wig, the color of cremated remains? Yeah.

Like they couldn't afford to go to a wig store. I'm not sure I know that color. Imagine someone trying to explain from dress to set dressers for Disney original movies. That's a great point to lie. Thank you. Yeah. Explains everything about this movie. They wear wigs. Yeah.

You know, kind of like Wednesday Adams say no more. Got it. Wednesday Adam Wink for Rabbi. So, okay. Here's the thing though. What's playing out in this scene is that mom Alex's mom has some very serious concerns about letting this guy be the basketball coach at the Yashiva, but the cool rabbi wants to hire him. Now, mom is viciously viciously racist, right? I feel like there's no other

way to read this scene. That's the best part is that this scene is definitely trying for moms of funny, dirty who doesn't want him to play basketball, but it reads like guess who's coming to dinner. Yes Yeah, and they're all just like oh well if he teaches at the school then it's like not a big deal because they're not out on the street And everyone's like well, that's a great idea. Thanks so much and the mom is like do you guys not see that he's black? Right, yes exactly Am I crazy? That's a great idea. Thanks so much and the mom is like, do you guys not see that he's black? Right. Yes, exactly. Am I crazy? Is nobody else seeing this? There's this moment. And again, you can see from the writer's point of view, it was like, well, I, it's that you're a complete and total

stranger. And I was like, ooh, that word even ends in our writers of this movie. Are you sure? No less. Yeah. Are you sure, guys? Are you sure? Yeah. And then the guy tries to like make it easier on the racist mom by being like, well, it'll just be a temp position. We'll go day by day.

In days what? He gets, he's still black at the end of the week. What do you mean we'll take it day by day? Now, to be fair, at the end of seven years, we do have to let him go. No, God, this is crazy. Unless we've given him a wife. Hold on, hold on.

There's a way around this. I also like that dad tries to ameliorate this by being like, you know, Jews run the NBA. Yeah. So funny. rate this by being like, you know, Jews run the NBA. Yeah. Did you, did you know that Jewish teams basically invented the NBA? And he's like, well, it depends on how broadly we're going to interpret the word basically. But if you mean that black people weren't allowed to be in professional sports for a real

time, then yeah, Jews invented a lot of stuff. By that measure. Do you know that Jews invented most black music? So, and then okay, so after the dinner, there's this great see where mom is basically bitching at dad for making her racism so obvious. He's a dad's like, I don't understand what's the harm. She's like, well, you know, I'm not allowed to fucking say it on the Disney channel. I know.

Also, the dad is like, he knows he wants to be a basketball player. You knew you wanted to be a doctor when you were that age. That's not the same thing. Not the same. No, isn't the same. No. He's three feet tall. He's a basketball player. Why is the dad an idiot? That's the thing. If this movie wanted this to be part of the

plot, make the kid really good at basketball. Or at least the same height as his friends, right? Like, I know that there are not every great basketball player is super tall, but they did come out. None of them are super short. Right. So okay. But now it's a Lamont's first day working at the U.S.E. Best of basketball coach. Oh, and these Hebrew school kids are running and cowering at the site of a black man. Like there's a school shooting going on. Oh my God, he's walking through the hallways. They're ripping the fire alarms out of the wall. And the whole time Alex is going, they'll be really nice.

See how much they're getting out of your way so that you won't be able to get right through. There's thing. And then Mrs. Klein comes up and she is also viciously racist. Oh my God. Look, I get it. Disney Channel original movie. You couldn't do it.

But if Mrs. Klein had a thing for black guys and that had been a sub plot for the rest of the movie, that would have been way funnier. Well, instead they haven't like, you know, he walks through with this basketball and he accidentally drops it. She's like, uh, if you have Mr. Carr, you know, people are not allowed to dribble basketballs in our hallways. I'm like, this is your fucking coworker on his first day, though. You don't treat him like a goddamn kid. Yeah. Unless you're a vicious racist, you're some text of this movie. Right. Exactly. Again, it all makes a lot of sense if we assume that the majority of these characters are just bigots. Yeah. Also, we get my two favorite lines in the movie here, which is a

gofilter fish out of water. Yes, yes, that's what he says he feels like. And you dementia. Oh, that was amazing. My insides curdled when I heard that. The old coach, Mr. and coach Simhouetzer, whatever his name was. He comes up and he's like, I don't have to be the best good boy coach anymore.

You dimension. Ugh, rough. So, okay. So now we're at practice that afternoon. Julie drops by to vaguely remind us that she's in the movie from a distance in the background. Mm-hmm. Again, there, like Disney had this contract

and it says she had to be an ex number of scenes apparently too. Right. Exactly. My daughter will be in six movies and an over five and all of them. Damn it. Yeah. And this is kind of weird to me.

We have to reinforce this subplot of Alex being a ball hog. Right. That's his big problem. He refuses to pass the ball. He always wants to shoot himself for whatever. We don't really resolve that, but we set it up 37 times. Yeah, we give these Jewish kids like random characteristics.

The most bizarre one is coming up. They're not at it yet, but the most bizarre one is coming up that relate to their basketball and none of them ever resolved. Not really, no. So, and then so, Lomontus is teaching the kids.

Cool rabbi, rab rabbi Lewis comes up and explains all the biblical basketball strategy that he knows from his Torah studies to Le Mans. Yeah, he's trying to do the thing with the largely probably mythical thing where the macabees like made everybody turn the wrong direction so they had to fight with their wrong hand. And Le Mans just like, yep, that is the full court press. That's the full court press. It's just like, yeah, right. He tells him that and then and Le Mans like, that's given me an idea. So he gathers to kids together to inspire him with a little macabee talk. Yeah. Most of which is, you need to believe you're going to win to win, which is a lie. Like they're four feet,

they're not going to win. Right. That may be a prerequisite, but it's certainly not the main one more worried about. No. No. So yeah, so practice is over. This is also where this is the same where Alex steals T.J. Spike. That's baby Noah so that he can follow Le Mans and find out where he lives, which means number one, he's got a weird fucking obsession with this guy, but also number two, he can bike at van speeds. Yeah, that was insane. And also just like such an invasion of privacy, like, hmm, I wonder where this adon't goes at night.

Is he homeless? Is he a ghost? Let me follow him and find out. Leave him alone. Right. I wrote in my notes. Remember, kids, homelessness is adorable and lots of your business. A great way to put it. I mean, truly, there's this moment where the where the coach gets home and he's like rubbing his knees

because he's got bad knees. And I wrote in my notes, gosh, this kid is lucky that his coach didn't decide to jerk off when he got home. The very, very different movie of any of my students ever decide to follow me. I don't think you should be our coach anymore. I don't want to talk about it. Also, did you know there's a website of just like all the famous women's feet? Anyways, I don't want to talk about it. So also, I just want to call out here while Alex is like following him home. He's doing some cool like DMX biking and like

Oh yeah, over an unfinished construction. So like where does this kid get off? You're at everyone's fucking way and everyone's asshole. Go home. Right. Absolutely. There is this weird moment though where like he's like, all right, well, now I know that you're unhoused and living in your van. I am still under the impression that somehow

my business I'll leave. And Lamont's like, hey, man, you want me to cook you a homeless dinner? Yeah, he says since you're already down in the hood, dot, dot, dot. And I was like, if he says want some crack this is my favorite. I was hoping for that too. Now it cuts to the Requiem for a dream. All right. So but yeah, and also I love the idea that this guy is like he prides out that his coach doesn't have a place to live and he's like like, you know, just living off cans of beans. He's like, Hey, man, you want to have my one kind of beans that I must have some sister off of. And he's like, yeah, man, I'll take half the beans. Okay. But if you get to divide the beans, I get to choose which point. I want these like, sure. This bummed me out so much, so much. Don't worry. If your beans aren't

enough, I'll have a snake when I get home. You know, I'm going to text my mom to order a pizza just in case you're only food. It's not enough to sit my appetite exact. And of course, this is where we finally established and we've hinted at this already in the movie that Lamont has a family back home in Virginia that he's been sending money to this whole time. Yeah, which is just all just a bummer and more sad that Alex is like chasing this guy down and making him coach their basketball team. Right.

Yeah, exactly. It makes him a lot less like a ball. So then and then we get the next day at school and we really have to flesh out that plot list. So Mrs. Klein has noticed that there are some inconsistencies in Lamont's paperwork. He didn't even fill out his home address. Done, done, plot twist. And again, I know I feel bad for the writers because they were going for all the not nice

teacher is suspicious of the new basketball coach, but it won a hundred percent feels like, I don't believe you have a house, you're black. That is absolutely how it read. That is a hundred percent true. So he gives a fake address and she just goes, oh, two, three, four mainstream. Yeah. Literally. And she just goes, great.

Sounds good. See you later. Like, just peace love in the club. Well, right, because yeah, right. That would be the last thing that would ever come up that. Also by the way, this is the first day of Hanukkah now. So we get the family lighting the candle. Yeah.

Also, I don't think they did a very good job of like making any of this makes sense, but like, Hanukkah's in mid to late December usually. Yeah. Yes, it is. Why is there no snow on the grat? Well, you know how it is in Philadelphia, right? There's not a lot of snow in there. It's not a shining and December.

Yeah, 100%. No, you got me there. It's sunny there. There's a whole show about that. Yeah. Also, I don't know. They didn't get a lot about Judaism, right? In this movie, but he did get a CD-ROM and cyclopedia

for the first night and that does track for Judaism. Yeah, 100% 100% well, that's one of his presidents. He also got his doctor, Jay card back because apparently mom and dad went and bought that after he sold it at the pod shop. So weird. So he he ponded it and they were perusing the pawn shops. Yeah, how did they know that he sold it? They bought it from him on eBay. Oh, none of that made sense. No, no, they explained it, Julie told them

that he had sold his Dr. J card, so they went and got it out of the pond. Oh, right. Sorry, I cared so little that that just like went in one year out the other. I was writing in my notes at this point, Jewish movies are so much better than Christian movies, that actually makes sense

Right, I forget how jaded you guys are you guys are like this is a great fill this makes red like all the scenes are there for a reason It seems like yeah, I love how nobody's marrying their rapists. This is the best Yeah, everyone's getting through complete sentences right sort of well more or less So the next day we have a cool Rabbi Lewis noticed that Lamont's van looks awfully lived in. And as he's walking in, Mrs. Klein shows up to tell him, you know, like, hey, you know, so I got, I looked at the address on Lamont's paperwork and I drove by it, I couldn't buy it.

Why would you do that? Again, huge invasion of privacy privacy and also she needs a fucking life like she really was just like I drove around because I was suspicious I was suspicious of the only black person that has ever worked for us yep that's the always and now again if they went Eli's direction and she just had a thing for black guys that wanted to like, you know, run into him in his neighborhood or whatever, then it all makes sense that she's not a terrible, terrible person, but yeah. Yeah, which just make her like a better villain to be fair.

Like it does solidify her more as the villain in the movie. If she ever got any legitimate come up and then that would be good. Yeah. Well, no, she's gonna shoot a piece of paper later and then entirely change. Oh, that's right. She has a turn. Oh, God, no, she's gonna shoot a piece of paper later and then entirely. Oh, that's right. Yeah, she has a turn. Oh, God, I forgot about that.

Yeah, so she's like, yeah, it's really weird that he would give us a fake address that it doesn't even exist. And the cool rabbi is like, I guess we should do something other than directly ask him about it, huh? Well, you guys, we should do something convoluted and she's like, convoluted. Yes, that was my plan as well. Something, you know, Disney channel original movie high chinks. Oh, yeah, for sure. Disney ran some high chinks. Yeah, exactly. So she puts a scarf on her head and sunglasses on, you know, like in all the movies where someone

needs to disguise themselves. Yeah, exactly. He'll never know who she is now. Right. Yeah, she's going to follow him home, but cool.bi figured out that's her plan. So he warns Alex to warn Le Mans that she's going to, this is so fucking stupid. He's so stupid. But so now Alex, if he wants to keep his coach, has to find a place for him to live right away. And we should point out that those are the stakes the movie gives us. Not oh my gosh, my friend and person I care about doesn't have a place to live. He's like, he might not be able to coach my basketball team anymore. This is serious.

Yes. Yes, right. Keep in mind that Alex, like upon learning that he lived in a van, wasn't like, hey, dad, don't you have a condo that's sitting empty and not being used right now, but when it was like, oh, you know, if we have turns out to be unhoused, we're going to have to fire him from the school for some just ungodly evil fucking reason. Seriously.

I mean, oh, we found out this guy really needs some help. Let's fire him. Yeah. That seems like a good idea. Cool. And that's when Alex's altruism kicks in. He is like, oh, well, I'm gonna be affected by his homelessness.

Buck. So yeah, so he leaves a note on Lamont's car that says, Hey, go to this address after school, Mrs. Klein is gonna be following you, make sure she keeps up. Now, this isn't a pre GPS. Well, this is 2003. Like it's a good thing. He knows all the streets of Philadelphia by heart. And knows exactly how to navigate to that address, right? Yeah. He memorized the whole city. He's not

from there. He hasn't been there for very, but okay. Yeah. right. Yeah, this was set up like a full blown heist. Exactly, yeah. But she's sneakily following it. This is when her convertible gets splashed by mud because she's a Disney Channel villain. Yeah. Got him. That's all her come up and still.

That's what you get for trying to get your only black employee fired for being homeless. It's already houseless and struggling. Uh-huh. Cool. Because he's houseless and struggling. Yeah. Now you need a shower.

Oh, no. Oh, no. She was going to do that when she went in his neighborhood. Anyway, see, I really don't know. Oh, my God. So yes, so now dad and Alex have to talk Lamont into taking the free apartment. He doesn't want to, but he guesses he will. This is such a weird moment where they can't just

let a person who's homeless be like, oh yeah, no, thank you for the place. He's got to be like, I'm going to paint in here and also make you a bookshit. Like, he can't just take kindness. It's got to be like, oh, no, don't worry, everyone. He's one of the good ones that like will exchange goods and services for Ryan.

Yeah. And like, oh, I'll pay for the utility. I mean, just God, it's so upsetting. And then they're like, okay, we've got a deal. And that's when white dad goes in for a handshake and turns it into like a weird racist, like secret handshake that they don't, that the other guy doesn't know about. Mm-hmm.

This is really uncomfortable. See, I wrote in my notes, this is Heathen right with every waiter and person who works at a restaurant regardless of Ray. That is absolutely true. It is, yeah. All right. So now we see mom getting home and she sees that Alex gasp with me now, got a C minus on his history test.

Now we will treat this as though she found a beaten to death prostitute in his truck. Okay. We had very different parents growing up. Yeah. Let's back up for a second because every time the three of us do an episode, we had very different parents growing up. Yeah, let's let's back up for a second because every time the three of us do an episode, we have a moment where Noah's like, what's wrong with that? And me and Eli are like, oh, you didn't have Jewish parents. He may as well have slit his mother's throat. Like, you really? Yeah. Like, if I came home with a

bee, which I did frequently, that was like a big, like that's a big fucking problem. Like you don't. I'm trying to translate it into going to. I know me too. And I can't think of anything terrible enough crack pipe. Yeah, something like that. Dead sex. Got someone pregnant. pregnant. No, because they like that sometimes. Yeah, right. Um, that they have a grand baby now. There's literally nothing terrible. Oh, oh, oh, imagine if she had found out that he was dating a Jewish girl. Can you live? That's it.

There it is. There it is. There it is. Well, I love to the way this movie plays it. Like he gets to see minus on his history test and mom and Miss client feel like maybe firing the black guy would be the best idea. But Rabbi Lewis is like, I don't know if we should fire him over that, but we'll see, we'll try to get those grades back up. And then this mom leaves, this is where cool Rabbi makes Mrs. Klein have fun throwing a piece

of paper into a bucket. And now she's a good guy. And she will be an unaddressed good guy for literally the rest of the movie. Yeah, we're done with that now. And so and then it's time for like I guess their first basketball game and I guess three or four weeks, I don't know how long we've been going. I don't know, I don't know, I'm having trouble figuring out how their schedule works here. Yeah. So you're not the only one. They also don't know how their schedule works.

And I'll tell you why. Because we're going to this movie towards the beginning is the first night of Hanukkah and towards the end is the last night. And I don't know if you know this, but there's only eight days. So this whole movie is eight days long. Their entire basketball schedule is eight days long. Oh, not weird.

Hanukkah goes forever in this movie. I'm not really sure, and I don't think they are either. Yeah, the rotation of the Earth has slowed down in this universe, clearly. Maybe it's Hanukkah the next year? Is that possible? Is so. That seems more likely.

All right, so, and of course, this is the scene where they're all getting ready for the game and he gets them to all bark along with them. Like do these. Yes, so for context, for the podcast listener, Rachel really, really, really likes dogs. Hubs. And so what I wrote in my notes for this scene was, God, I'm writing my notes before Rachel, but I already hate what she's going to write for this scene, which is in this order, Bulldogs, OMG, OMG Bulldogs.

He said Bulldogs, I love Bulldogs. Be fat and lazy. Where's match? I'll ask her what dog say I muttered Bulldog during this entire scene. So that's the extent of my notes for the scene. I just sat there on the couch going, boo, dags, boo, dags. Boo, boo, dags. But okay, here's the thing like this is their movie. They wrote it from beginning to end.

They didn't inherit act one in a will or something. They made this team the goddamn bulldogs. The team is the lion. Yeah. Why are they roaring or something? Because then it would be silly. Yeah, this was Bodo's best kind of dog. They could have just been the Bulldogs. That's a team name. And then, and there's just this weird turn. He's like, you're all my dogs.

They're like, yeah, and he's like one more thing. And I'm like, oh, New Jersey's, New mascots. He's like, Alex is great. Sox, he's not allowed to play. Yep. And like, look, that's a valid thing. School manners, Alex isn't going to be in the NBA, but maybe I wouldn't announce it as a turn

at the end of the psychoptop. Yeah, that's fair. All right, well, I'll tell you what, apparently C minus is way bigger a deal than I was giving it credit for. So we're going to take a pause. Well, I'll tell you what, apparently see minuses way bigger ideal than I was giving it credit for. So we're going to take a possible. If you could just be respectful of our culture, that would be great. You're being really dismissive right now. Get away from the fence. All right. So I'm going to, I'm going to get reamed real quick. But first let me give back to you the hard. So was the whole purpose of doing this movie getting

Rachel through the bark like a dog scene? If not, why not? Why are so few sports teams named the Pugs? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the miraculous asterisk conclusion of Bold Court Miracle. No, I said Pug. Hey podcast listener. That's right.

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Oh my god, me too! Oh, you think it's a typing thing? I think it might be typing. Alright, everyone. I am Brian. I am the rap coordinator for the music. Are you guys all excited to learn some beats for this film? Uh, question!

Uh, sure. Uh, yes, what's up? I have this note from my parents that excuses me from wrapping because of my asthma. I'm sorry, you can't route because of your asthma. Because of my asthma. Yes, I get out of breath very easily. Okay. Uh, that's fine. Uh, just maybe standing the back and mouth along. Uh, when we do it, uh, excuse me. Uh, yes, ma'am. My son is allergic to peanuts. Are we sure there haven't been any peanuts

associated with this wrap? I'm really sure there are no... Because he would die. He is very allergic. Okay. Yeah, well, we will double check and... I mean, we assume he's allergic. You can never be too careful.

Right. No. Okay, new plan. I'm going to give you guys check and I mean we assume he's a large I could you can never be too careful right no okay new plan I'm gonna give you guys at most three rhyming words and that will be the extent of the wrapping in this booby I could only do two words I sold did you say peanuts no because my son is allergic and we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to reopen on the team basketball and without Alex and Alex sitting in the stands being all pissed off and see minus. I love it. He's like, I didn't fix our basketball team for you guys to play basketball.

I fixed our basketball for me to play basketball. He's also still not good at basketball. They're like, what are we going to do with that? I don't know when. Well, so they haven't done a very good job with this, but he is supposed to be the star player on their team. You know, again, it's hilarious because of the height difference between and everybody him and everybody else. In fact, the, I don't believe you actor doesn't seem to be particularly basketball, but yeah, he's supposed to be the star player. So without him, the whole team falls apart. Oh, yeah.

Oh no, what now? This is where he also like ruins things with Julie, which was crossing the line for me. I was like, look, you want to destroy your life academically for a dream that will never come true. That's one thing. But if you bullshit your way out of pussy pussy Alex, you have crossed the line with me Well, yeah I've she grumbly wanders off from this scene I felt like it was because she didn't have a bigger. She's like, I thought I was gonna have a fucking major role in the movie

I in that from that opening scene. It seemed like I was the love interest. I'm out of here. Fuck all this Yeah, cuz their fight wasn't about anything He was like all you do is roast me and she she was like, that's crossing the line. Goodbye forever. Right. Exactly. I will not forgive you for this until the very end of Act 3. I get it, Julie. I get it.

Sometimes the only way you have to communicate is to roast. But yeah, so they lose the game because that's what they do. And then the whole team has to show up and help Alex study for his history retest. So he doesn't have to have that dark, dark grade that C minus follow him around for the rest of his life. Exactly. Now you're getting it Noah. Right. But what's amazing is he goes to Yashiva. So it's not a real history test. No, it's Yashiva history. So now it was conflicted. I was like, Oh, okay, maybe it is okay to care about sports more than you'd she

Well, I love their half-bastattempt to basketball up this scene, right? They're like, hey, look You're great at remembering stuff when it was related to basketball So all we have to do is relate all of this biblical history bullshit to basketball But they can't think of a way to do it, right? So they're like, all right. So the other team was the bad guys and the bad guy was anti-occur. And see now it's basketball issue. You can remember it.

I want him to do that for everything. We see him in medical school. And he's like, so the virus is the other team. And then we need. As long as it's in basketball, speak, he can do it. Yeah. They also try to make, I mean, this kid's obsession level is kind of a bummer because we see his bedroom when they're helping him study and his bed looks like a gym or like a basketball

core. Yes, very weird. It's got real extreme home makeover vibes. Yeah, but I was just like, this is a lot like come on, man. Yeah, this is stupid. Right. So, but they basket ball Lee help him study. And then he goes to take the test.

And as he's taking, as he's about to take the test, he turns to cool rabbi and he says, hey, would you mind if I dribbled an imaginary basketball while I took this test, it'll help me as a like a mnemonic device and the and the rabbi is like, how weird would it be if I said no right now? He points to a side no imaginary space work. Okay. You know what I should have read this. But then him pretending to dribble a ball looks like when Eli's one and a half year old son

hands me his toy ball, like just sort of fumbling around with his hands in the air. Well, I like how he's imagining himself doing so much better. So he's like spinning it on one finger in his and imagine. I can't actually do any of that. Yeah, I used to do an arm curls and shit. So, okay. So, and of course, while he's doing this retest, the rest of the team is practicing and Lamontis is giving them the like, you know, you can do it without Alex

Beach and he's going through each one of me says, okay, you have one personality characteristic. Here's how you overcome that for a basketball success like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, Okay, interesting. Getting inside the ref's head. My God. And then the other guy, he's like, you're the smack talk. You're going to do all the smack talking for our team. You teach us some like rap smack talk.

So these like little shitty white Jewish kids are like dancing and rapping and dribbling bass. It's really uncomfortable. It's, they're so bad. They needed to bring in Christian stuntmen to nod their head in rhythm. Yeah. Yeah. If one thing that Jews don't have, it's rhythm. So this was really hard to watch.

And then in what I'm going to go ahead and call the least comfortable moment of the entire film, he tells the one kid, he's like, you're the butt because you have such a tremendous and then in what I'm gonna go ahead and call the least comfortable moment of the entire film. He tells the one kid he's like, you're the butt because you have such a tremendous thick ass child who I'm a coach for. Okay, wait, what did he actually mean by that? Yes, let's back up just a little bit there, but some context around that. So no. He's telling him like that being a team is like being a single body and,

you know, your arms and your legs and your head might all be doing different stuff, but it's all working together. It's all coordinated. So he's going like, you're the arms of the team. You know, you've got to reach out and get those rebounds. You're the legs of the team. You got to get down court faster. And one kids is like, what part of the body am I?

And he looks at him for a second. And he goes, you're the butt. And there is not any real reason for that except that Mrs. Klein just walked in at that moment and has to see like hear him being a bad coach. Oh, I did not know what that was. I was just like, oh, she's back to villain. So I'm excited. Eli, I thought you were just failing to give the listener's context. The fact that you didn't catch the context is actually exciting for me. No. I was not.

I just watched this coach be like, you're the butt of the team because of your delicious, luscious ass. I was like, I feel like that's bad. And hey, in misclined defense, that is bad coaching. You should not tell a child they are the best of the team. Nope, I agree with you on that. That's true, but she really comes in like, she's just grumpy. They're doing any extracurricular activity. And I feel like this entire movie could be solved by getting her a vibrator. Yeah.

Like the only thing standing between the supposed heroes and the villain of this movie is the female orgasm. Yeah. The Heathenwright story. Oh, dark. And okay. So now it's time for the big history test reveal. You know, did he do better than the C minus and they put it, apparently they put the results in an envelope like it was the fucking Oscars.

Want to warrant Bati to come and tell me got a Zeta minus or something? they put the results in an envelope like it was the fucking Oscars. Gonna warrant Bati to come and tell him he got a Zeta minus or something. But no, he did fine. We did fine. He got a B plus. If my son ever gets a B plus, I will execute his entire basketball team on the court like Squid Game is an example. Here's my question though. Like, I understand that when you, like, go to college to play a sport, you have to keep your grades up. They're playing like, there's no stakes here.

This game means nothing. Really, he couldn't play because of one C-minus on a test. Like, well, that's, yeah, exactly. It's not like that was first of all, that it's not like that's the report card. And secondly, C- is a passing grade though. Yeah.

I was very confused by this. Right. Like you have to fail before they start fucking with your athletics over it. Yeah. That was very weird to me. And then they put all that pressure on him getting the test back. And they do like a fake out like, ooh, you can't read my face. Maybe this says F B plus.

It's fine. I say you're good. Yeah. So okay. So now it's time for another practice. Coach is giving him a big coach. You can do it speech, but he has to explain to him that they're going to have to do it without him because he got a temper like a 10 day contract with the 76 or stuff. Fill in for an injured guy. Okay. I did not pay attention to this movie the first time I watched it. And I thought he had just been like signed to the Sixers in the NBA and completely did not understand the stakes of this. Because the stakes of this scene, if you're not paying attention or should I be in the NBA, my lifelong dream that would make me a millionaire or

should I coach these Jewish kids in basketball? Yes. Well, and that's exactly what the stakes actually are. Now, again, it's a 10 day contract with the idea of being that, okay, if they see how good I am, then I could go on to... Right. Like, it still matters. Absolutely.

...a lot more than these shitty little kids. Right. He has a family to support. Yes. And they're like, you have betrayed us. Yes. They're so weird. I wrote my notes.

If you miss him that much, hire him for your bar mitzvahs. That's what we do. Come on. Yeah. It was, I really, this made me hate Alex even more because this guy was like, yeah, I mean, I, I did all the stuff you wanted me to do and coached you up until the end. I really thought you guys would be happy for me

that I finally reached my dream. And Alex is like, no. I am concerned with myself not you and your family, fuck. They get into a big fight about it. And Alex is like, you don't know what you're doing. And I'm like, oh my God, somebody put this little shit in his place.

Right. Well, he even goes like, you left your family in Virginia to do this. Da, da, da, da, da, da, like gives him blood. Yeah, right. Give him shit for that. I'm just like, okay, like, can we at least cover this kid in mud at some point or something? No, this movie will conclude that Alex Schlotz is the correct one on the side of this conversation. Right. Yeah, that he should have given up on that NBA nonsense and coached this team instead. Ugh. Alex starts to monologue about how no one wants to work anymore. I'm telling you.

In my day. So, okay, so now Alex has to go to his, this is so weird. I have no idea what's going on here. Alex goes to his mom to plead the case for them to hire Lamont as a full time coach instead of just through the tournament because I guess she sits on the board of the school or whatever. But like, he doesn't want that. He just said he didn't want that. He wanted to play in the NBA.

Right. I think he's hoping mom will be like, okay, we can come up with an $11 million signing contract. I mean Alex is literally, come on, let's just throw some more money at him. Like he doesn't know what to do. Right. Yeah. He's a black. Mom, what have you taught me? Money solves all problems. I need you to solve this problem for me Right, well any goes like mom. Why won't you do it? And she says there are a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with the color of his skin

I am not going to list any of them She pulls in a white basketball coach for the next week. I'm totally so you can go to the NBA son She may as well have who she even says at one point, she's like, son, do you really want to wind up like a Le Mans and he's like, you mean black, don't you? She's like, yeah, probably. I do. So and then we get this weird scene where I guess Le Mans is trying to decide in his own mind whether he should take the NBA contract or stay as the

Yashivas coach. Yeah. Or be the coach to the one child who is interested in basketball and school. That's the other thing. None of these other kids give a fuck. Right. He's going to get fired next year when Alex graduate, right? And also anytime Alex has come to these kids, like we really need to like step it up.

The other kids are like I got a study. I hate it and I hate you saxophone lesson. And I have to be yet. Yeah. Right. So okay. So it's the next day we're in Dushiva. We're going to learn a little more of the Hanukkah story, but not all of it because there's still 30 minutes left in the movie. And after class, you know, the cool rap I see is that Alex is super depressed. So he tries to put like a rabbinical wisdom spin on the whole thing, like maybe the whole time, the ghost of the warrior, Judah Macaby was inside of you. He like pulls out an envelope and unseals it in case of emergency. Mysterious ways.

There you go again. Yeah. And so apparently he's just, he's going to be the coach now. Alex the kid. Yep. Is going to be the teams. The kid who is a ball hog as his like secondary characteristic beyond basketball is going to be their coach now.

Yep. The little coach now. Yeah. The little sociopath. Yep. Also, we're glossing over the fact here that the rabbi makes that Yamaha joke again. He does. Yeah. What's on your mind besides the gum? Shut up.

Shut the fuck up. Come on with some new shit. Man, come on. You've had several days. You don't have that many lines. All right. So now it's time for the big tournament to begin. It starts with 16 teams. And then Alex says, we only have to win two to make the finals, which is not how a 16 team tournament

works. And not how this movie portrays it. We're going to look at the bracket. There's just one big bouncing loop from their team to the final. So I love we've spent the entire movie setting up this tournament. We go through all the rounds, but the finals in like one minute and 48 seconds. They also like hit random tropes of basketball. So like in the penultimate game, not the one with the like the enemies who we've been seeing throughout the movie. In the penultimate game, they do the like, oh, he's got the two free throws that can

clinch the game. They do that in the penultimate game so that in the ultimate game, they like don't have any of the sports trips to do. It's totally 100%. Oh, 100%. Also, I don't know if you guys know it, but like in other movies and TV when there's high school sports, what makes the stakes high is like, Oh, there's a college scout or like a recruiter coming to the game.

And like, I want to play ball at that college. Like that makes sense to me when I've seen it in other pieces of media. And there's none of that here. No, so there's just no stakes, right? Like absolutely. The only stakes is that Alex has said over and over again, there are a lot of stakes here. Yeah, just insane.

The only way this movie has any stakes is if Alex's psychopathy is true. Now, to be fair to the movie, Alex's psychopathy will be true throughout the movie. Yeah. No, right, right. So yeah, so we yada yada yada are away through the tournament. And it turns out that yes, Alex's team made it and the evil warriors team is the team that they're going to be facing off against. So that night, mom gets home from the hospital. The finals are

the next day. Apparently they have a two day tournament where they play all but one game in the first day that classic classic tournament structure. So yeah. And also like apparently mom didn't bother which I get it. I get it. You know, she didn't bother. She hates her son. She hates her son and I agree. I also had her son. So yeah, so but this is where she has to like start to understand his dream. And she's like, he's like, let me tell you what basketball means to me. But like, you know, with a piano melody and rising string, it's so funny.

He's like, can I tell you what basketball means to me? I enjoy it. That's all he said. That's it. He says that with a lot of words and a piano melody in the mums like, yeah, he said when I throw the ball, it leaves my hand and then it goes in the basket. Swish. So what basketball means to you is what happens in basketball. That would be like, I am just, mom running means so much to me because it's like one foot

It goes in front of the other foot, but then you just like do that for a while Yeah, yes, it's about where he goes you have to be proud of me anyway And I was like because she literally doesn't know what the word proud means. That's not how bride works No, I'm gonna instruct someone to be proud of you for your thing Yeah, but as vacuistic as it was it's apparently enough for her because she gets it now. Yeah. And he also yells at her at some point, why don't you trust me? And she's like, what?

You're a child. You're 13. You're 13. You are 10 years away from wanting to climb into the oven because it's warm in there. You. I will trust you when you are 40. That is when you're sent in human. I know 25 year olds who I don't trust. Yeah.

So, okay. So then we cut over to Lamont in his apartment. He sure is having trouble NBAing what with those knees. So now, so then he has an idea. It's just so crazy. It might work. Oh, we also have to establish that there's going to be terrible, terrible thunderstorms the next day.

That's going to be important to the plot, asterisk. To be fair, we got bored of the teacher as the villain. So now the villain is weather. Yes. God has risen against which by the way way better performance than Mrs. Klein. So I get absolutely and less racist. Yeah, this is also where we get introduced to the gangster dreidel dreidel theme that was. Oh my God. I loved that. Dreidel dreidel dreidel dreidel dreidel. That's it. That's it. That's it. They have this whole little stupid basketball wrap that

goes to them. It's so bad. It was likely you don't wouldn't you remember when the group would show up to your school and wrap about how drugs weren't hip. Yeah, but with the drape. No, they definitely hired this group at the end of a long day and they were like, Hey, 20 extra bucks. If you can throw in a dreidel dreidel song for our Disney original movie, they were like, you had us at 20 extra bucks, my friend. The kids come out there dancing and they're doing a great job. Okay. But if asked kid, if the butt kid had dropped it, whap style, I would have forgiven this movie, right? Okay. Just like 20 minutes of him twerking. Yeah, I'm just thinking to myself,

it's good that they took some time to choreograph a little opening dance. That's important to your basketball game, yeah. Yeah, they also have this great pep talk moment where Alex is like, this is our doghouse. And those are the dogs. Don't shit. We're doing it for the dogs.

Those are dogs. And we're going to get off the leash and eat some kibble and like just he's really going to far with the dog. We're going to go for a walk and then I'm probably going to eat my own grass later. It's somebody will pick it up with a baggy and then we're going to get a treat. Also, this is when he goes back into the Hanukkah thing and I just want to point out that Hanukkah is the Jews don't win the war in Hanukkah. No, they don't.

The Jews never win the wars and they're sorry. Yeah. Also, again, I cannot stress this enough. Hanukkah is only eight days. There's no way that what has happened here has only been eight days. Yeah. Like there's no way they're still Jews forget its Hanukkah by the last day of Hanukkah. Oh, we forgot by the third night.

It was like no, that is more accurate. And cyclopedia Christmas presents. Right. So for them to like, what has to be two months later be like, yes, still thinking about Hanaka is just absurd. So we cut over to the hospital where bombs, she's with Julie because Julie apparently won Doctor of Future is a consolation prize. We really glossed over that. I don't know.

She sure did. What we missed, what cut scenes did I'med over that. I don't know. She sure did what we missed what cut scenes did up leading to that But mom's just like hey Julie You wouldn't just leave early from our hospital duties I mean no one's getting any more cancer overnight am I right Julie? Let's go catch a baseball game if they're gonna die tonight. They were probably already messed up It's alright. Do you want to be in the final scene or what? Julia's like, I thought you'd never ask

And then I'm going like Wait, mom was gonna skip his championship game mom is still gonna skip his championship game She sucks It's who taught you a helicopter lady. Yeah, all right So now we cut back to the game. The Lions are not doing well. They're down 8-10 points, something like that. Surprise, surprise. The team that doesn't want a game in two years is far behind.

Yeah. But then I guess so mom drops Julie off at the game, but she goes to the NBA to find Lamont. Yup. Crazy. I love the idea that you can just pull up at the end of an NBA game and say, hey, where is this player? And they'll tell you where in the parking lot you can fight him. Sorry, I'm looking for an African-American that way, right? Sorry, is it Jordan? Michael, is he around here?

I just wanted to say hi. I just like how to think to tell him. You don't know me and I don't have like a press pass, but yeah. I actually hate basketball and you people, but I would love that a little chat with him if that's possible. Well, I love to. At this point, she turns to one of the NBA players and she says, Hey, you know, if you met a kid who's like four foot two and wanted to play in the NBA players and she says, hey, you know, if you met a kid who's like four foot two and wanted to play in the NBA, what would you tell him? And the basketball players like, I mean, I wouldn't say you're too short. Is that the answer you're looking for? You demon. See, I really wanted her to be confused and think this guy was Lamont. She was

like, coach, listen, does all of my really thought that was going to happen. I really did. I mean, made the movie. She just keeps going from one African American to another. So she gets the right one. She throws him the car keys. I just like, he don't stretch it. So yeah, but mom finds out Lamont, his van won't run because this is the movies take on it. God has temporarily smited it so that he would still be there when mom shows up. All right, interesting. Yeah.

Is that what that was? I could not follow that. Yeah, yeah. To be fair, the movie literally doesn't get it either because she's like, yeah, maybe it was a miracle and Lamont goes, I don't get it. And I wrote in my notes, me neither movie. movie. Literally, she looks up at the sky. It thunders and she goes, try now. Yeah. Right. Like if she was the scarlet witch, maybe that would

make sense. Yeah. And he was just like, okay, okay, lady. Yeah. It's working now. Okay, bye. So, okay. So then we cut back over to the game. The big storm knocks out the power, right? So now they have to decide whether they are going to forfeit the game because they were down by like 10 points or whatever, or whether they're going to finish it by candlelight. Okay, so everything about everything from this moment on is just endangering children for your own entertainment. Yeah. Also, maybe save the emergency generator fuel for non basketball related activities.

Right. Perhaps which is right there in the fucking. At this incredibly low stakes, like they would just send people home and be like, we'll have a rematch. Like this is not that serious. That's the other thing is that they could also just re-batch. Right. And like everyone should go home like it's dangerous weather. Like go home. We're not doing this. Or hey, we have an exact clock knowing exactly how much time is left and what the score is. Let's go home and we'll put that clock back on with

that score and we'll finish the game when there's not a storm abroon. That was insane. Yeah, but they're like, so that's the one option. We could just end the game there or do something like that. Or we could run out the entire supply of emergency fuel for our generator so that we could keep this room completely lit, play until that runs out and declare the person who's in the lead, then the winner at some indeterminate time and then have everyone try to navigate their way out.

And the pitch God damn. Yeah. I cannot believe how many people they end up doing this. Like I mean, Well, luckily the other coaches, Heathen, right? Who's like, okay, I like this weird technical way of playing this sport. I'm in. Right. Yeah. No, I was waiting for him

to just bust out a piece of paper going, okay, I've come up with 20 different little minutia that I'd like to clarify. Yeah, so, and by the way, for some reason, they have this discussion outside by the generator with all the kids. Yeah, everyone is crowding around this generator. It's just so damn great.

And the middle of a thunderstorm. And, and poor Mr. Simwitz is there. They're like, oh, can you keep it running, Mr. Simwitz? I really want her to be like, I am a math teacher, okay? Math teacher. So, and he kind of does. He's like, I don't know anything about this. But yeah, so what we have laboriously set up here is that they only have enough fuel for a few minutes. But if somehow that fuel would miraculously last for 15 minutes, maybe they could win this game after all. Oh, it's Hanaka.

Get it. There you go. Oh, Hanaka. The game is Hanaka. I mean, I just want to back up to again how dangerous is what there were sparks flying. You are at a certain point for no fucking reason that anyone can figure out the scoreboard starts firing fireworks off of it and giant spouts of sparks. And literally like this, the whole building is going to be on fire. Yeah. This is not just. But they're like, we have to figure out who will win the basketball game.

That means nothing. Well, and so here's just to give you an idea of just how convoluted they have to make this whole thing to make the miracle work. The reason we left the math feature out there is because he can calculate precisely how much time that fuel should last. So when it lasts more than two minutes and 45 seconds, we know it's a miraculous. Miracle. Miracle. I also love that Mr. Simwoods runs in to waste a tremendous amount of time explaining that. Yeah. I thought that too

He spent like seven of those one minute This is how the math works nobody cares nobody even cares if they die so long as the basketball is played He's like it's simple calculus. I'm like it it's, it's pluses and minuses, man. You made you did a, you did a times as all you did. I don't believe rises to the level of calculus. I'm also not even sure that's how generators work. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So, but then the lights go out for a second, but then they come back on. And there's a big glow of light behind the ghost of Judah Maccabea himself. Lamont came back.

Mom went and got it. Yeah. It's the eighth miracle. So, so wait. So, so Lamont is there now to coach them for the last two minutes and 45 seconds of the game. That should make all the difference. Yep.

Continued to play basketball as well as you can. Yes. There's also, we have to show that, so the game starts again with, you know, who knows how long the power will last. Mrs. Klein is really getting into it. We have to show that she's changed into a fun, loving person. So they have her scream to a bunch of 15 year old boys. Shake some booty. Yep. Oh my God. Oh my God. I hated that

so much. I hate her and I hate this movie. It's because of the 20 minutes of twerking that the butt kid did. Oh, okay. Yeah. They got cut out because it does. Okay. Yeah. I get it. I get it. I got cut out for a lot of reasons. No. I don't want to go into the air. Those grievances on air. a lot of reasons. No, I don't want to go into the air. Those grievances on air. But just so but to be clear, we're we get to down to the last couple of seconds of the game. Alex has got the ball. They're down by one and he passes the ball to sticks because he's not a ball hog getting more and sticks gets to shot. And they win. That's the biggest miracle in this movie that Alex was able to pass the ball. Well, the biggest miracle is that sticks didn't choke, right? It would be hilarious if just sticks just choked.

They might be. By the way, it might miss remembering this or were there like five fake outs of like the lights flickering? Yeah. And they thought it went out, but it came back on. And I was like, by the eighth time that happened, I was like, we know they're going to come back on this. Like we're not.

That's not. This isn't a miracle I was like, we know they're gonna come back on this set. Like we're not. That's not, isn't it? This isn't a miracle anymore. Yeah, we get it. Also, let's stop reinforcing how dangerous it would be to have kids out there running back and forth in an environment like that where the lights are just constantly going out and then coming back. Yup.

The janitor is carrying some olive oil across the court. It's like, whoa, the game must go on. Well, we did send all the kids outside to get soaking wet and then come right back in and start playing basketball. So yeah, they give each kid a gun. Yeah. They oil up the guns and their fingers. Yeah. All right. Everyone take a bottle of oil and an open torch. Right now we're going to play. But yes, but the Lions win and the crowd goes wild and it runs onto the court. Again, the power just went out. It's completely dark in there. And of course, mom showed up for the last minute and half of that game. So she's a good mom now.

Apparently at Lamont's big idea was that he was going to come back to the Yashiva and he was trying to get to the airport to pick up his family not to fly to some other game Yeah That was all terrible like none of that made sense No, the key to it is this that Lamont realized that his dream all along had actually been to coach at this Yashiva for you know 28 grand a year But then he also said like I had other dreams and like looks at his wife and kid. And I'm like, it took you this long to figure that out.

Like, we all know you should have been with your wife and kid this whole time. Well, and then this is amazing to me. So just in case you didn't catch the parallel between the generators fuel lasting so much longer and the Hanukkah story, cool rabbi pipes into, you know, filling those blanks for. He's really hammered that last nail in the closet. And we put a Yamaghan generator. All right. So I guess there's no need to ask the moral of the story.

Since cool rabbi literally says and the moral of the story since Cool Rabbi literally says and the moral of this story is at the end and manages to get it wrong somehow. So instead, I want to close my asking it if either of you have ever witnessed a Hanukkah miracle. Ooh, ooh, I actually have. So over the years, this is really interesting. I've gotten to watch Hanukkah miraculously transform into

Christmas in my family. Yeah. My Hanukkah miracle is that I've gotten to watch my mother pretend less and less every year that she believes in God and that she cares about Hanukkah. Awesome. All right. So that's going to do it for our review of Full Court Miracle, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, cause we still need to clock in again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. We'll be watching Demolition Man.

What? Yup, because Heath makes the schedule and that's how it works now. All right, well with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode number 328 to our merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to Rachel for helping out tonight and even a huge your thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you like the guy who's got something among their race, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com. So I've got awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help it out by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating aid, the citation aid, a DnD minus and the skeptic ad available wherever pod gas live. If you have questions, comments and sit about check out our siblings shows the skating aid the Ascitation aided D&D- and the Skepticard available wherever PodGaz live. If you have questions, comments and suggestions, you can email God off and move to gmail.com.

Link to services for this podcast provided by the law if this is a P&R tour. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, the Vigil of the Dress on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audience, Nier Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check here of life. This week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnia, I'm Noelle Lucius, promise to work harder or nothing will chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Alex never did become an NBA player or a doctor, but he did become a black guy. Dead eventually did sell that condo.

So many homeless people died while the emergency generator was out of fuel. Aw. Should've learn basketball. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2021, all right, reserved.