God Awful Movies - 33: GAM033 God's Not Dead 2

Episode Date: April 5, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces for an atheist review of God's Not Dead 2, a story in which god continues to not be dead, apparently.  This film continues the Pure Flix tradition of cramming way too many characters into a story with way too little plot, all to a soundtrack that can only be described as castration-like.---Special musical thanks this week to Morgan Clarke, whose you can check out on Soundcloud. Additional special musical thanks this week to Anna Phyllis Smith, whose you can check out on her website. And, of course, our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

The Me and a guy in the front roll stood up at the exact same time and shouted two words Least Strowble That's right Least strobele infamous Christian Apologist and author of the case for Christ is on the staff Least roble is a in the way I am a personal truth. Yeah.

What am I supposed to do? God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back. I think we should have seen the iMacs versions. That was a problem.

Just get more David A.R. White in our eyes at once, exactly. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon sir? I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! Well we've already given you a hint, but he'd tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watched God's Not Dead 2.

It's the story of a high school history teacher who refuses to pledge her undying allegiance to atheism, even if that means she gets fired and also possibly executed by the state. So really, it's the story of every Christian teacher in the entire public school system because that's the kind of persecution they're dealing with. Yeah. It's real. My mom was a teacher.

There's a Tommy stories. He stays to beat the shit out of the Christian teacher. They haze her in the joke with the versus the other guy. Jesus bring you candy cuss, first of all, right? Yeah. And Eli, was it everything that you hoped it would be? Look, there will be a day when I hold my first born son in my arms. And on that day, I will lean down to him and I will whisper,

you're meh because of how fans have been terrible this movie. It's honestly, it's like whoever made the first movie listen to our episode and was like, oh yeah mother fuckers, blah blah yes. The first movie at least made a little sense like you could imagine a professor, I mean you can't really but you can imagine a professor doing that this movie we're just going to crazy town holy shit and we're gonna stay there for two hours folks now I should say of the three of us I'm the only one I believe that never saw the original so believe it or not this movie could have made even less sense yeah you must have lost right so now before we jump into this one, are there any

important plot points or characters that we should catch everybody up on in in-preface? Okay, so that Chinese kid was convinced by a classroom debate in the first movie to believe in Jesus. So that's why he's wandering around the movie, asking all the white people he can find who Jesus is, about all the crazy insane shit. no doubt he's now reading in the Bible in his second language. The black guy who has absolutely no thing to do with this movie also had absolutely no thing to do with the last movie. But easier just to remind us that the only good black character we will get in this movie is so stereotypical and offensive that I had to wear blackface in the theater to balance him out for myself and to go full-sambo. I see. Well now it'll make so much more sense. I don't have any catch-up

points on the characters from the first one but personally I want to know the back story of this one dude in our theater the whole movie I was distracted by this there's one old guy who went to see this at like what was like 10 o'clock on Thursday night it was very distracting anyway everyone in my this is why I love New York City everyone in my theater saw it ironically but none of us do that at first so the movie started and we were all like oh yeah We're watching the movie and then the first person laughed and then all the rest of us laughed And then the second person laughed and then all the rest of us laughed and by the end of it we were all just like fuck you No better city to live in that you can go to an entirely Ironic viewing of God's not fit. No shit did not shit. Did not happen. Every time I made noise, the

guy did a half turn, and then a double seven 20 turn. Yeah, I was crazy. I was glad at the end that we were uphill from him that made me feel a little safer. Well, Germans were up here at D. Day. I'll get you. Well, if the listeners are anything like me, they've already waited two years in a weekend to hear Eli break down this movie. So we'll pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll tackle the army of brainless straw men that is God's not

dead too. I'm away out of the theater. As the sound of the newsboys faded behind me, the foremost thought in my head was damn do I hope Eli and Anna do a song and they did. So huge thanks to friend of the show Morgan Clark for taking care of the guitar, the drums, the mixing and the backing vocals, who's fine work, you can find it soundcloud.com slash Morgan Clark. That's Clark with an e which will be linked on the show notes for this episode and fiance

of the show Anna Phyllis Smith whose website will also be linked on the show notes who wrote the arrangement. God awful movies. Just proud to present the song that you're going to be singing to yourself now for the rest of the day. Sorry about that. All right, I mean you're welcome. I mean you're welcome. It's more like a fan to see than game of thrones You can't say Jesus or talk about the Bible in a classroom somehow The bad guys are the ACLU ACL you Melissa Joan Hart is supposed to be hot and so is David Await

Now I'm lost in these bloodlines What's the deal with this Chinese guy? Oh God's not dead, he was never alive He was totally created by morons and liars God's not dead, he was never alive In fact, the declaration can face this understanding Morons, morons uns, more than liars The girl from school is just a witness now But all she proves is the point of the other side

Point of the other side Why would you turn in your Oh my god It's least No God's not dead he was never alive What does it matter if Jesus Christ existed? God's not dead, He was never alive, if this movie had a point I could make me fucking Lawrence, let Mark and Paul and ratings fall. Shake the ground with the sound of your laughter. Let Mark and Paul and ratings fall

Shake the ground with the sound of your laughter Let marking pull the light low And ratings fall Shake the ground with the sound of your laughter. God's not dead, he was never alive. It's actually a category mistake because God is dead as a sort of a misappropriated quote from nature. But nature wasn't addressing God like a guy who was sitting on a throne that we killed with a spear like it was the end of golden compass. It was about the idea of God being no longer useful through nature's view of the world. So while the idea of God being dead is actually incredibly inappropriate,

the idea of Christians not understanding the quote about God being dead is actually incredibly apropos because it's about proving a native and that's one of the big problems that comes up when you're talking about these kind of things It's because it's like I claim that you know unicorns exist and you say to me Well, I think unicorns do exist or don't exist and I say to you well, okay You have to prove to me that unicorns don't exist That's asking me to prove a negative in the same way. It's asking someone to prove that God is dead It's impossible, but because you're the one making the claim in the first place. I guess it's really a question of ontology

God's not dead. He was never alive impossible but because you're the one making the claim in the first place I guess it's really a question of ontology. More of us, more of us, more of us and liars And we're back for the breakdown and I've got to say that Pure Flick's logo is starting to look pretty damn fancy y'all. Yeah, it's getting fancy, shmances. And the first shot we get of is of Melissa Joan Hart and I just want to say I have so many notes on her physical appearance But the first one is that Melissa Joan Hart looks bad pregnant You know that little moment just like when a woman is pregnant and she just can't because there's a baby inside her and they just they just look like sweat running down a mountain side That's what Melissa Joan Hart looks like all the time now. That's just her.

She wakes up and she goes to sleep just looking like the worst moment in the carrying of a new life. My very first note was, oh my God, she looks like somebody spackled Amy Schumer's shot. Actually, my first note was on the logo. And then three, two, one, Jesus music logo and then three two one Jesus music I thought she got to look like she got acupuncture with Botox needles Like her entire body and she moves like she moves like a character from South Park like she can't

Ridiculous camera faces are like the moon faces earth the whole movie So then we cut to an America Christians montage. We've got sports players praying. American flag. Firefighters. Right and my music note was Eli singing Christian rock. So castically. There it is. And I wrote right here and I was there giving us this little introductory montage. I was like, Oh look, it's too damn many characters Yes, because we get into it. We just get a reminder of everyone. We've got Chinese guy from movie one David R.Y. Oh, he's so clumsy. He's so clumsy. So here's a quick question I look this is maybe a little bit further on in the movie, but nothing but terrible shit ever has happened to David our white at a certain point as a believer in an omniscient force wouldn't he be like I think God hates me

I Keep getting attacked by bears It's about the only thing we don't see happen to him because the very first scene we see him walking and this woman spills her coffee on him and she just very first scene we see him walking and this woman spills her coffee on him and she just feels David our white with coffee. She might have turned him upside down and give him an anima with coffee. That's how she's just like, oh I'm so sorry I'm just like pours for like 36 seconds. Do you want to move your hand? No, still pouring. Yes. Yeah so like just to keep everybody up to speed here we meet Grace Grace. That's that's Melissa Jones Hardscared. Do we meet Pastor David that's David AR White? We meet Martin who is the minority and we also meet Brooke

Who is gonna play a pivotal role in this movie and of course we meet her heartless atheist parents? Yes, Brooke looks like River Song got stung by a bunch of bees the most parents. Yes. Brooke looks like River Song got stung by a bunch of bees. In case you're wondering for a mental image. Yeah. And her dad immediately establishes himself as a jui juu lawyer. That's what I have in my notes. There's quite a few of those in this movie. And when we meet Brooke, she's having a conversation with her parents. Now we don't get filled in on exactly what they're talking about later, but I'll just spoil it for you basically. They're saying Jesus Christ daughter. You still moping about that dead brother stuff It's been months. Yes, exactly. We as atheist parents the moment he died stopped remembering his name How many times do we have to tell you nothing happened when your brother died?

Nothing happened. Be comforted by that. Now make sure you go to Stanford. Nothing more comforted than knowing nothing happens after death. That's why it's so easy for us. And also she meets her friend outside the house so she has this thing where her parents are like, yeah, go to a good college. And then again, this movie is going to disprove itself so many times, but for the first time she's talking to her friend, she goes,

it's not like they'll miss me. And then mom immediately pulls up in her car and she's like, hey, have a good day at school. We really care about you and we want you to get into a good school and drive away. And she's like, see fucking bitch. Oh, and I want to point this out to the friend that she meets outside. That is the duck dynasty granddaughter. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she has, she has the iris to that for sure. Exactly, exactly. Duck whistles.

Yeah. Also, fun fact, the only member of that family that still has all her teeth. Oh, I think you, you might just be taking a gas there, but yes. She's got a couple dozen at least though. Yeah She's in the lead no question. She's in the lead Um, and then so yeah, we meet them and then the atheist parents are bad And then we cut back to grace who is taking care of Gramps because she's a Christian and Gramps looks like garbage

Usually when they do old people in movies they make them just look like I wrinkly and spy but he's got like single beard hair sticking out of his eyeballs It just looks lesions Yeah, he didn't hold up well and she's bringing him breakfast in bed But he's not bedridden we find out right which makes it very weird I said is he bedridden or not if this is gonna turn into old man slash flatbread that used to be subrene of the teenage which point i am not it that's your car but i'm not i'm just want you to know this is like it

i'm just well i thought because we had a guy about grams is aged that was sharing the theater with us that this was their their way of like making sure the audience had somebody in their demographic to root for you know that's how you make somebody like you know you you selling this movie to a bunch of 80 year olds and you're like yes I like her she brings the grandpa food see that's what a Christian does instead of just believing me in this movie theater while they go to the dare table daredevil jackpot grandpa dad's ever said pull they're both blind I think both can't see through those masks I just know a war of hood in the six hour one time so yeah so grandpa tells Melissa Joan Hart that he's gonna die soon so she should go find some dick, I guess. That's the... That's what we're supposed to be getting from this scene. And then she goes to work at the high school. Right. And MJH is a goody-two shoes during trash talk time. And look, I've been in a teacher's lounge.

A teacher's lounge is for trash talk so you can go out there and for the least amount of money humanly possible, still be great and a teacher and she's like I don't know guys you're being awfully mean about the students and they're like suck it right yeah she and I guess we're not supposed to realize this or again maybe it's just because of the demo this movie is pointed towards but she's the annoying bitch at work that nobody likes right and for good reason and for good reason because when somebody's like oh god these fucking these fucking students, what a pain. She's like, I find difficult students to be a blessing.

It's like, fuck you, just fuck off. Shut up, nerd. Just fuck off. This is the place for this. Yeah. We're not on fucking TV here. Yeah, yeah. I wrote this isn't my official statement, Melissa.

Exactly, I'm, I'm eating my lunch in between teaching kids how to read can I complain? Well, I think the in the language guys fuck you We all have parties and no one in fights exactly This is where we also meet the principal the hot principal. Oh, she's she held up. Yeah played by Robin Givens absolutely and Oh, she's kidding. Yeah played by Robin Givens absolutely and Good to know she's still making good choices like marrying Mike Tyson and taking great roles like this one very exciting So and then of course we also have to establish that

Melissa Joan Hart is a fun teacher and we do that by cutting to her in the class having like a trivia contest Where everybody has to run and hit the stapler if they have the answer and that just seems like as a fat nerd I would like to say is fucking bullshit if I can't sit in my chair and answer your goddamn history questions I don't need to foot race my way to the answers let me sit in my chair and eat my circus peanuts and tell you those book and red well and also let's maybe maybe you know when you're outside a gym class, maybe having the kids running towards the fucking projectile thing at top speed isn't the best idea, but you know.

Right. And by the way, her quiz question that you had to run and hit the stapler for, it's, um, they're setting up the declaration of independence. Yes. And that's because the Declaration of Independence contains the first amendment, which this movie is going to be about. So, strong setup. From the history teacher, yeah. Good job. But Brook is not enjoying slap the stapler. No, she's not. I just want to point out now, and again, look, people can dress however they want, but for someone who's going to spend the rest of the movie being a super

Judgmental newly found Christian bitch. Maybe I shouldn't be able to see whether or not you have an IUD based on how short your shorts are So yeah, so you know so grace talks to brook on her to broke on our way out you are you okay and she's like no yeah i'm fine and then but later we find out she's not fine she's not so now now uh... those shorts are inside so then she i guess she meets up with uh... with grace after school to tell her you know that no she's not fine and her brother's dead and she's all bummed because she's an atheist and she has no way to cope. Right, and it's important to note here that this teacher never mentions Charles Darwin anywhere in this conversation. That is going to be critical later from a legal standpoint. Yes, we'll get there. It's going to be the crux of

the lawsuit against her. More or less. But I just want to point out that the narrative of this movie is profilitizing to a child who is mourning its older brother. Totally fine. Oh, yeah, that's what the hero does. Yeah, so I wrote in my notes This movie is already garbage in a bullshit And she says to her at one point she goes you never let anything get to you. How do you do that? And she's like like, Jesus. I mean, I'm thinking like the right answer here is, I'm not the one with a dead brother. Like, you've never seen me go, I'm a grown-up and you're not, but no, it was-

Like, upper middle class white lady who just takes care of her grandpa? I don't really have- I haven't really had any challenges yet. Wait until later in the movie, I lose my shit. It's great. Like, someone tells me I can't, I have to like apologize and I just lose it. I like cry and scream.

Oh, it's great. Yeah. But now I'm fine and I give the credit to Jesus. You should do that. Meanwhile, Amy's cancer is gone. Now, if you're asking yourself, who's Amy? Great question. What the fuck are you talking about? It's yeah

I I'm also asking that question. She's the reporter from movie one. Oh, okay Try to do a jump out an interview with duck dynasty found out she had cancer got dumped by her atheist boyfriends But then the Christian rock band the news boys prayed her cancer Oh, yeah, so and if you're wondering who the newsboys are, just imagine the phrase, we can't pick up artistry class. There you go. There's the newsboys. Isn't that fun?

Divorce Dad support group. Look at that. You picture the newsboys again. Somehow even if you picture different people, you still picture the newsboys. Right. Okay. So, for a person coming into this cold This was the most bizarre shit you could imagine for a person who's already seen this movie

It was just stupid, I guess, but yeah, Amy's cancer is gone So she calls the newsboys to tell them about it right and they're thrilled Well, the guy's kind of pissed too. He's like I told you not to pay for that oncologist We're praying through at our concerts every time I i mean i guess congrats either way i guess what i was wasting your money i was just right because there she's talking to the lead singer of the news boiser whatever and i just wrote this man's existence is hilarious so now we cut to grace having dinner with grams and this is the part of the

movie where it became physically difficult not to laugh. Now, eventually I just gave up. Yeah. But this scene was the first one where I really had to hold it in. Uh, because Grace is telling Gramps about Brooke, that poor atheist kid with the dead brother. To which Gramps says, well, what did you tell her and Grace says the truth? She means she means the made up one right not the truth not the truth like oh, I don't know It's hard to be 16 bye I'm gonna not meet with you alone because I'm a grown-up in your child like that's the truth But she tells her the truth with a capital team. Yes, and my favorite quote a bit grandpa responds his quote

That's the thing about atheism it doesn't take away the pain it just takes away the hope yep quite certain this took several takes like that's the problem with juz cut cut it sorry that's the problem with atheist black people cut just atheist got a good one just for this movie member

He's gonna smile and he does a little catch friends at the end Pretty great now I honestly though as I'm watching this scene and he throws out that line I'm thinking of myself. I kind of hope that we look at David A.R. White's work in 40, 50 years, the way that we look at like the Portrait Trail of Black people and in cinema in the 30s and 40s and shit. I kind of hope that this is like the Mickey Rooney of atheism Going forward or something. I'm doing it now. I'm looking at it that way now. Yeah, right. I'm like the guy who saw breakfast the Tiffany's opening day and was like, that's weird, right? And everyone was like, shut up!

Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... An an oil! Look at that, Chinaman Go! Oh! Also, he says, and this will be repeated several times throughout the movie and is the most terrifying idea that this movie proposes,

which is the most basic human right of all is the right to know Jesus. Yep. Which is crazy. It's like even by their own metric, you have to be alive to know Jesus. Right? Yes. So wouldn't by necessity someone have gone, well I mean technically it's like life and then knowing Jesus.

Can't technically know Jesus while you're dead. But that will get repeated throughout the movie as though everyone knows it. Yeah. Yeah. But meanwhile, we have to reinforce what a bunch of assholes the atheist parents are. So we cut back to Brooke, the Salvation Army is there to pick up all of her dead brother stuff. They're not keeping any of it for any sentimental reasons or whatever. just get all his dead shit out of here it's taken up space and these extras cannot do anything

how do you lift up a box unprevincingly right foot, right foot bang down, take a bite no don't take a bite of the box just get they're all in stony silence it's like a bad sci-fi TV special where everyone's been turned into a robot. But when the Salvation Army truck first drives up, this was the moment when I first laughed audibly by accident. It's slogan, pulls perfectly into the frame. Doing the most good. Also in a tooth sparkles, ding is ridiculous. So that was the first time I couldn't really contain myself

laughing. And then you said, they're taking away all the dead kids stuff. And the sisters just sitting there doing nothing. Well, of course, she was busy sadly thinking about Jesus during this whole thing. Of course, the message that we're supposed to be getting from the scene is brook satheism can't help her now right that's why christians are never sad when people die that's right uh... but they

just high five and walk away uh... but that's okay because an old lady who somehow hit a kickstarter goal to get a line she's like hey i found your brother's Bible. He was a secret Christian, but by. Yes, yeah, and with Bible margin notes and everything. Which she opens, by the way, I know it's a little thing, but she opens it to Colossians,

and I'm like, ah, Colossians, what a f**k of knowledge in wisdom. She's gonna get, and this is, look, we've watched a lot of Christian movies, but I'm sure that this is the first time a lot of people are hearing our show. So this is, look, we've watched a lot of Christian movies, but I'm sure that this is the first time a lot of people are hearing our show. So this is a big truck. As people just open the Bible and start reading it, like they're not going to get six pages

in and be like, oh my God, so many people fucked so many people who cares. Oh, the ninth grade. Yeah, exactly. There's no look of, my god. It says that But yeah, I just wrote in my notes sad Bible reading scene check And then okay, so and then we get the turn right oh Ah, and this is so we cut to the classroom and we learned that Okay, so this is how little this movie knows we We learned that Gandhi invented nonviolent pro-tank. Yes.

That he did. To which Brooke asks the question, is that like Jesus? Yes. And the teacher's like, yeah. And that's the thing that she's going to get sued over in this movie. Okay, I want to make sure we make this very clear. The little girl, so the student says, oh, Gandhi and Martin Luther King is that like Jesus

and then she says, yes, it is. It's like when Jesus says, quote, here's what Jesus said. Right, that is what they, and my notes at this point, like for like four pages, it's just, do they really think that's what pisses is off four pages is just did they really think that's what pisses is off Oh my god, they really think that's what pisses it off. I can't believe they really think that this is what pisses off This is what pisses us off. This is exactly how we would want Christian teachers to handle that's true. Yes exactly Yeah, yeah, right right, but in the universe of this that would be like saying they busted Jeffrey Dahmer because he didn't put nutrition facts on the side of those gay guys or whatever

They seem to think that what what what pisses atheist off is that Jesus's existence or Mythology mythological existence whatever is acknowledged within a school that the existence of the Bible is is acknowledged within a school that the existence of the Bible is mentioned is enough to bring the goddamn ACLU and the FFRF just are running. Yeah. Also, just quick note, the ACLU is the bad guys of this movie. They would totally defend this character. Yes. Yes. They would be like, oh no, you're totally allowed to do that. So just for the record, the bad guys in this film are the ones who would represent these people in real life. For free. And constantly have to. Right. But in this movie, God damn it, as soon as she

says the J word, there's some atheist kid texting under his desk. As if this movie couldn't make any less sense than it already does that atheist kid who texts his parents apparently K mom and dad Teachers talking about Jesus in class help That kid never gets mentioned. No the parents of Brooke Decide to be the one not the atheist kid who sent the text the parents of Brooke Yeah, not the parents who make the complaint. They're the ones who are eventually

gonna press the lawsuit. They apparently never hear about this till the ACLU just picks what I can assume is a random excuse to ask the question. Just leave me alone. How about that one? It was alphabetically, there was no Owens or Adams in the class, so they went straight to Bill.

Also, there's a great moment in the class so they went straight to billar also There's a great moment in the class where she's talking about how Jesus and gone near the same person Not true by the way, but that's fine and then they're the like straw man of the student argument is well then how come they both died teach Well, I also love to like I mean I would have loved to be in that class So I could have like raised my hand said yeah, but didn't Jesus like whip people and shit I mean that doesn't strike me as you know the running the money changes that it's up It doesn't strike me as non-violent and what a fuck did that olive Jammer dog be fucked like teenage girls and kept insisting on giving them animals even when they begged him to stop

And then there would be silence and she'd be like So moving on Right, let's talk about people that weren't crazy Mark the king fucked around on his wife a lot. I know I know I know we're gonna talk about Something else Um, meanwhile, of course I have to cut back to David A. R. White because he produced this thing so god damn it. He's getting some screen time And he meets up with Martin who has some questions for him about God.

147. And this is supposed to be comedic. And so here's the thing. The version of this for Christians is, man, once you find Jesus, your life is just filled with wonder and questions and inquisition. But the truth is, once you start believing in false priori, everything else stops making sense.

Yes. You have more and more questions. Right. So you just imagine question one, how come God are watching the rapes? Right. Are all the questions like that? Hmm.

Which is why they never show the question scenes because at one point any of those questions would be something that Christians have to go oh good question jinguly mother fucking keys they do have one question that they get we'll get there we'll get there later, but the one it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, Martin's got 147 problems and Hitchhaint won. Yeah, well done sir. And then we cut to the principle chewing grace out for all of that Jesus thing. And it's it's it first we just cut to them in the hallway and she said, I can't believe you said Jesus in a room full of children. And but it's not just a hallway chewing out

It's a full blown the school's attorneys there and everything Because apparently they have a full board room in this high school They're walking to this giant fucking wolf of Wall Street style board room Where everyone's there the lawyers the principal everybody and they're talking about this, like she showed the class cat porn. Right. Right. And he was like, alright, now you can see there's two girls and one couple in capturing that. Take notes, this will be on the quiz. Yeah. And basically, if she's not willing to walk around the neighborhood door to door and warn everyone, she's a Christian has no other choice but to prosecute their own teacher. Yeah, what the fuck? So I also love evil

bad secular guy number four. That's how he was listed in the in the credits. He says, and the remarks, you know, you you talked to the children about da da da da and the remarks allegedly made by Jesus. There will be so much of this Allegedly yes someone had allegedly on their word a day Count on there like walked into the writers room and they were like guys stop writing. I've got an atheist word See how many times we can fit it it it'll be a contest and then she's like I didn't do anything wrong And the guys like well, I believe the school board will disagree Miss Wesley because you know how school boards are so notoriously anti-religion what the fuck are you talking about? What should we make Jesus the mascot for the Never that that evolution can we make that stop me and through?

So but of course Brooke also allegedly Yeah, yeah, hell's yeah, pretty catching. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You could you could write this shit. So then we cut to Brooke finding out from the principle that Miss Wesley got in trouble and she's not allowed to talk to her. But that's the opening the establishing shot of this scene was perhaps the greatest moment in the second greatest moment in this entire movie because when we cut to the principal's office she's on the phone and we just have to have her on the phone doing principal shit so what she's doing? This is going no coach, no prayers at all, not

on the field, not on the locker room, nowhere and you can hear the coach going but it's a tradition, no fucking prayers! No hope hope either if a student yes, I'm hoping it gets better No matter if you win no celebrations There's literally got to be like a Christian persecution bingo card in the script somewhere We're like 10 minutes into the movie and all they're missing now is a Christian Baker weeping as he draws dicks on a gay way. Okay. Everything. I just want to point out again.

I'm so lazy to get emphasize enough that the coach thing is not pivotal to the film or anything. This is an establishing shot. Like the second one, black. I want it black. So, but the point of this scene though is that the principal has to tell Brooke that she's not allowed to talk to Miss Wesley anymore. Yeah.

So, and now we get to the scene where we were Grace is going to meet her lawyer in a coffee shop. And I had to look up his name later. I don't know if they ever say ever said but this character's name is tom uh... i had him written as colin feral's little brother who wanted to be in movies to i guess and he is surface of the sun hot he looks like a telomundo actor

it has he is so much more fuckable than molissa johan i'm waiting for him to try to rip off molissa johan hearts clothes so yes they start talking about the case and she goes, I'm not a criminal and he goes, not so fast. Like, no, she's, she's definitely not. And he goes, so he's like, well, you know, the assigned meteor case, because cases like yours make people, this is actually his word, make people feel yucky. You know know that's my big issue with uh... with church state separation violations is is how yucky i feel afterwards i stepped in some constitutional violations

yeah that's great that's my shamed come out uh... and and then he and then he's like but you know but nobody wanted your case you know so i think that it had to fall to me because and i and I'm like, are you fucking sure? Are you sure there's not teams of Christian lawyers? They are dying to find a fucking case like this. You sure nobody wants this one? Oh, fuck off. Todd Starns is right off camera masturbating. Right. And then, to prove she's totally not a nut job, the second question she asks Sim is,

are you a believer? Yeah. totally not a nut job. The second question she asks Sim is, are you a believer? Do you have no way to show that your main character is a moderate than to go, hey, just a check. Are you in my cult? Yeah, right. Right. I missed the entire rest of the scene.

I spent the rest of the time just reflecting on how she looked like droopy dog and past her man. He had a white ass baby or something, but. Oh, we can have his church now yeah uh... uh... so then we cut to uh... to david airway and he's all worn out from all that question answering in fact in his words he feels like he got hit with a truck full of bibles that's also a joke

where we're supposed to laugh uh... and the black guys like well that's your job and he's also a joke where we're supposed to laugh and the black guys like well That's your job and he's like hey man. Where were you four hours ago? And the black guys basically like yeah go fuck yourself I just appear and disappear at random in this story and of course my my known on this is like Yeah, I guess that's the problem with teaching you know bullshit to people You know like like people who teach real shit do not have this problem. They're like, whoo, it was so hard to answer all of those

questions with my actual knowledge of biology. Exactly, real teachers love it when students have lots of questions. And it's not exhausting because you're not making shit up. Right. Oh man, why do cells have cell walls? Because they need it to protect them from demons? Next question.

Thanks for asking. You're just like, no, man, you can hand someone a book and be like, there, there's your biology answers. Yeah, you're right, it's all in there. But of course, then we have to just to make sure that we can fill out that Christian bingo card and a hurry. We have to cut to Grace reading the Bible to herself and asking God for some help with this moment. Yes, and her skin looks like someone put peach-colored paint on the surface of the moon. This is the closest we've been to her in the movie

so far. Her neck looks so much like my balls, I might sue. And at a certain point, it's copyright infringement. That's all I'm saying. I've got a triple chin on my balls too. Yes. So then we cut over to the disciplinary hearing, right? And we've got, like, she's there in that gigantic Wolfel Wall Street boardroom. There's 19 people on the bad guy's side.

And just her and Mikey Farrell on the other side. Yeah. Several entire law firms are here to represent this atheist school district. Again, against their own teachers somehow. Right. Fucking Johnny Cochran in the background trying on gloves ridiculous. Also, there is a crazy hot girl at this board meeting who I found entirely distracting. She's just saying, she never says anything,

but she's just in camera frame. Yeah, yeah. And she is very distracting throughout that entire part. She was very delighted. That was the only good part of this movie. Yeah, and so we also, we learned in this scene that like the school is gonna let all of this slide if she'll just apologize But she will not apologize for Jesus. She will confess and apologize

You know the way we used to make people do for saying science stuff Yeah, that's it Yeah, and I'm thinking myself okay like you know in the universe of this movie Okay, like she actually didn't do anything wrong and everything But still like if I'm in this situation, fuck I just apologize These are the actions of a petulant eight-year-old and she's the hero of this movie But and her lawyers like well, yeah, you should just apologize like no, I will not apologize when runs out of the room again I said I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world than stand with the world and be judged by God. Or as my daddy used to say, if you go through life and all you meet is assholes,

everyone you meet is an asshole? Yeah, I'd rather be an asshole with a God than a God with an asshole. It's better to stand with God. I'd rather sit with an atheist. Fuck. Fuck. Line. It's better to stand with God. I'd rather sit with an atheist. Fuck. Fuck. Line. No.

Yeah. And she also says, of course, I'm not going to be afraid to say Jesus. So now the evil bad secular guys on the other side are like, oh, like, oh, Jesus, how are we going to get out of this? To which one of them suggests that we'll leave it to the. Dun dun dun. ACL you. Yeah.

Yeah. that will leave it to the dun dun dun ACL you more and they might as well go more haha haha haha and this is the second time one of our movies got this wrong you already mentioned this the ACLU would be representing the teacher here yes this happened yeah there's no civil liberty called never hearing the word Jesus that's not a thing haha

So Christians if you accidentally stumbled on this podcast, first of all, apologies for the language. Second of all, the one you want in your movie is the FFRF. You're the poor and poor bad guys. The FFRF. ACLU's on your side. Here, I'll make a little song on ACLU. Help you stay super crazy.

FFRF makes she stop being lazy. They don't use that poem. You got it forever now. But in this movie, the ACLU is out for blood. They have sharpened a stick at both ends and they're coming after Sabrina. In fact, they've been dreaming of a case like this. That's what?

That's they, that would be like dreaming about fucking your own wife. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding? Like I mean like how do they not know that like real shit happens in a real fucking world that the ACLU does? Like yeah, any who. I have nowhere to go with this because I need all of that for later in the movie. So then we meet the evil ACLU lawyer played by Ray Wise and I got to say played to the HILTS by Ray Wise. They gave him everything but a patch over his god damn eye. They were like basically, you know how they say that like Christopher Gasp gives everyone those one sentence character things and they make it up from there.

I feel like Ray Wise got a character thing that just said Emperor Palpatine and he was like, got it. I'm good. I'm ready to go. I know what I'm doing. And of course he has his assistant, Julie McGlasses, who is all he's doing. So and I love that okay, so this scene is the ACLU lawyer trying to talk Brooks parents into suing the school for the teacher saying Jesus and This is the most like okay the movie's just gonna go downhill and realism from here

So I can't say this is like the most bizarre shit But at the moment this is the most bizarre shit because he's saying stuff like he's going like Oh, you want your kid to get into an Ivy League school? Well no Ivy League school can resist a girl whose parents sued their school I'm just thinking myself like Eight years when they sue schools over this shit generally speaking have to like try to keep their name out of the fucking Corporate documents because they'll be harassed to no fucking end by all the Christians in their community. Exactly.

Yeah. If you had shitty SAT scores, they're saying, yeah, you can still get into Ivy League schools, but you need good extra curriculars like lawsuits against your teacher. Yeah. University's love lose. Right. You've a better chance of getting into Yale with a video essay

in blackface. Seriously. There is actually Yale. Yeah. There's actually a Yale. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And of course, he also says, think of all the money you'll get. No, it's doesn't.

The money comes from fucking the schools trying to cover their own legal costs. They don't, you know, once in a while, I guess they do. But generally speaking, they don't sue for big fucking settlements in these cases. They sue to get the school to stop doing it. And again, this is a made up bullshit thing that the ACLU or FFR would never fucking show. But in cases like this where something actually bad did happen, they're generally not suing the school for a ton of fucking money. They're suing the school to make them stop doing that shit, and the only time it costs money is when the school patchyly refuses to stop doing that shit. Right, also to point out, in the few large settlements there have been,

it's because there's been horrific irreparable harm done to the children in the situations. It's not like someone's offended and they sue for a bunch of money. It's like, oh yeah, I tried to brand a crucifix onto your daughter's chest. Why did you get a bitch about this? So, of course, we've to get the title drop here.

Yeah. So, the sort of title drop where the evil ACLU lawyers says this will give us a chance to prove once and for all that God is dead. And if the lightning hit flashed it would have been slightly less military Also, he says your daughter's a minor. She has no rights What she's not a fucking magwey Let's get a strangle of Prolet's go go over and fuckers. Yes. No rights That's not precisely correct exactly what you want to hear out of your lawyer The only thing that surprised me about this scene is that they didn't sign the contract in blood

Standard And of course, so we cut back to Grace meeting with her lawyer and she's having this all Why are they doing this to me scene? And of course, he says because they think your beliefs are a disease. See what you did, David Silverman. Do you see what you did? Well, I mean, but see, like we do think that they were right in that, but that's not why we sue people over church state violations, but I mean, like at least they got that part right.

No, good point. Also, Grace has crucifix curtains. If you watch this movie, check out her crucifix curtains. They're pretty fantastic. I totally missed that. So now we get the protest outside the school where we're broken. All our Christian friends are standing by the flag pole

with tape over their mouths. And I've got to say that that girl with the tape over her mouth gave me many, many illegal thoughts but though we'll move beyond that and and we'll just focus on my note here which was angry mob of Christians the good guys in this movie. Yep, I just wrote please tell me pussy riot shows up to fight the Christian mob. That would be awesome. Nope, they don't. And then of course because there's just so goddamn many characters we're trying to keep track of in this movie, we have to cut to David A.R. White and he's got jury duty and he's all bummed about it and

token black guy is saying like, but you should take this seriously. This is your civic duty, you know, and yeah. Also just crazy moment that this movie like, because you're adults, like I get your Christians, but you're fucking adults He goes there's 300 people called the chances of getting called are better than getting hit by lightning and it's like one in 300 is not the chance of being hit by lightning I wrote like I bet he got that from the guy who calculated the tornado putting together the 747 thing I'm not saying mathematicians that they used I'll bet you 300 times you don't get struck by lightning. Right. Deal. I'm doing so much money.

I'm gonna start praying. Start praying. So then we cut to the big jury selection. But I want 300 to one up. That way I'll break even. So then we cut to the big jury selection scene, which is going to take up a sizable chunk of this movie. Also tiny moment, but the guy from the jury video that David R. White plays is the bailiff at the trial.

Oh, is he? Yes. So I was like, oh, look at that. That's the guy from the jury video. Awesome. And I love two of this jury selection scene. Basically, Tom the lawyer starts the scene off apologizing for how long it's going to be.

And I guess you're going to take a really long time, but it's really important and stuff. So then we get them, of while during the potential jurists. And it's fucking hilarious because it's like you know the the jurists will have to say something that would scare the Christian and then the other one will have to say something that'll scare the atheist so they're saying like what's your favorite TV show pretty little liars the the Christians like fuck that chick you know there's like duck

dynasty the others like fuck that guy that's what they came up with and the ACL you guys refusing people with like purple hearts and Nobel Prize. Oh yeah, yeah, he's we don't want that guy looks like a Marine. We don't want no Marines on the jury. We're atheists. We hate the troops. Yeah exactly. There are no atheists and foxholes except for Matt Dillhunting, Kurt Vonnegut and Ernest Hemingway and the and the guy who caught Heinrich Himmler. Oh and that senator who has the medal of okay. Okay, so there's a couple, but it's done matter. We don't like, we don't like the truth. That's the point is we don't like. Yeah. And by the way, a quick tip, if you want to make Christianity look good, don't play up the psychics and duck dynasty fans right around that, right around that. Yeah. And now of course,

we have to have the whole bit where he doesn't want the marine on his on his jury So that he doesn't have any preemptory strikes left when we get to banana headed Owen Wilson anyone's to fucking Strike him just for being a Christian. Yeah, David A. R. Wait looks like muttly went deep sea fishing He always came up to bed. Yeah, it was just like damp and salty just like from the moment I got. He looks like Guy Fieri got one wish. And then they decide they don't want David R. White because he's a pastor, but they've run out of magic jury videos.

Yes, exactly. Exactly. Right, so he says, well, he's a pastor and this is a case about Christianity, so he shouldn't be allowed on. And they only have this nobody would ever fucking say that but they only have this so that Tom can say well you can't exclude him from being on the jury just because he's a Christian he's like well he's a he's a past right it's just because he's a Christian you can you can exclude someone because of their job yeah right right and apparently because of their taste and television. But yeah, yeah.

Anyway. Oh, and then, of course, again, just shoe horning and characters we have to cut over to, um, to cancer lady, viewing about God in her new blog. Right. Now that I feel better, I'm not quite sure I believe in God.

So from now on, my blog's gonna be about whether or not I like Jesus and I wrote unsubscribed Some no it'll ever want to read sorry Ryan Bell. Sorry. I know some people anyway And then so then we have to cut back over to Martin who has more questions for for David a. R. White and by the way They never even like again I'm sure if you watch the first one you know, but they never even explain like what David A.R. White does, where he works or whatever. I know he's some kind of pastor or whatever, but like when he goes to like lunch, there's

43 people there. So he doesn't just work at a church, does he? Who knows? All right. And he's... But Martin said, and he says, I still have more questions, and he's like, don't worry. Einstein said, religion and science. They're both hard, so they're both true.

Well, right, because he's like every time you answer a question, it just brings up two more. It's almost like you're just making this shit up. He's like, no, no, it's Einstein. He said it's like that. Yeah, and the Einstein quote that he uses, apparently Einstein said that like, think of knowledge like a flame, the bigger the flame, the bigger the circle of shadow around it

Was that the quote? Yeah, so like that. Yeah, but that's stupid because the shadow got smaller obviously that circle got bigger What's happening? No, Einstein did not understand that really damn it Einstein. Yeah, you keep fucking us up in these movies All your Jesus talk and by the way, Martin's question in my notes anyway was why are there still monkeys? And that's exactly Martin, exactly. And that's the thing, okay. So like we keep setting up this Martin

as all of these questions. But then when we finally get Martin asking a question, he says, well, it says in the book that I have to do on others as I would do, as I'd have him do on to me, how can I do that at all times? I'm like that's your fucking what you don't not the mustard seed thing Not why did Jesus kill that poor tree? But your question is how do I apply the golden rule? Are you fucking kidding me? It's like the only thing in the Bible that's reasonable. Yeah, exactly

Exactly the one sentence that you can say where the Christians are going like oh I could be answer in that question not Also, we learn at this point that Tom was third in his class at Stanford Let me explain this if you were third in your class at Stanford There's no chance you're at the bottom of a toe totem pole in who the fuck knows who the fuck knows where Depending a lady that for a case no one wants. If you're third in your class at Stanford, you're already at a high powered law firm. That's a huge deal.

And Christian movies do this constantly. They're like, you graduated first from Harvard, and now you're a farmer in Bayo, New Jersey. Don't even fucking nut. There's like three guys in the history of time who have graduated first in their class from Blomedy Blue that went on to be a fucking Serpent Strider. Right.

Oh shit. And then we get the then we jump right into the trial here. Judge Winston-Zetamore presiding. Right. judge winston set a more presiding right but by the way it did you guys catch what the charges in this case that the movies about now criminal trials the civil who versus whom anything no no no idea okay i thought they said it because i wondered that they did not what law right right even at the end with their like do you find guilty or not guilty of the thing I mean they never even they show TV people talking about it. No one ever says what she's being charged with Yeah, um, and I loved I saw great meme after this came out that showed

Winston Zedomore as the judge that just says if there's a steady paycheck in it I'll believe anything you say Pretty god damn good that just says if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say. Oh, it's pretty goddamn good. So then we, oh, so we get the ACLU guys opening statement, which, you know, again, like you have to keep setting aside that the thing that they're suing them about in the movie is just complete nonsense, and have to think about it like it was,

as though it was a real lawsuit where she had really done something wrong. And in that case, this is actually a fairly good opening statement where he's reminds him like, Hey, guys, remember Christianity's not on trail, trial faith is an on trial, whether or not you can, you know, proselytize to children as on trial. But he does say Christianity is not on trial, even though my opponent will tell you that it is, and I'm like, I'm pretty sure they don't call each other opponents. Even though that asshole over there is going to tell you. He also says any fourth grader knows about the separation of church and state and as

someone who's helped raise a fourth grader they do not know about the church. They know about Doc McStuffins. Is there an episode of Doc McStuffins about the separation of church and state? Most adults do not know what the first amendment is in this country. What are they talking about? Right, right, and I also love the way he spits out the words separation of church and stale he's describing as mother's Lavia and again we get the allegedly thing he's going like she talked about the alleged live words that were allegedly attributed to the Alleged Jesus that allegedly he actually says Jesus that allegedly lived back 2000 years ago. Make sure he doesn't want to get sued

for saying Jesus lived 2000. Oh yeah, I gotcha. I gotcha. He also declares these parents are offended, and I love that. Like that's what it is. It's just offended parents being like, oh my lord, they tried to brand my child,

how uncouth. Baptizing my child on a football field, I say. He then says, quote, if someone asked me a question about the Quran and I had the answer, wouldn't that mean I thought Islam was superior to all other religions? And I gotta tell you, as someone who could be asked a question about the Iran and have the answer does not mean I would think it's a

period of religious. Yeah, and yeah, it's a great opening statement. Great point he's making here. Christian parents would absolutely go ballistic if a teacher started quoting Muhammad and the Quran in class. Yes, absolutely Well, wait you just lost the movie to yourself Well, that's I mean that's the thing is like how interesting that the movie chose to suggest the idea of reading a Quran to students in school because if she had Done to say again what she did was perfectly legal and so if she had done the same thing with the Quran that too would have been perfectly legal But everybody watching this movie would have freaked a fuck out of it.

Kill the brown person if they'd seen that. Right. You can't trace the word for peace. This is the group that they need. Right. The end of the movie is the good guys are the ones who sued for tracing the word peace in Muslim. They used Muslim, they made my baby go to all ours. baby goat allars and meanwhile by the way the red haired lady is still in the movie too with the with the blog or something and she took a Pilates class between the two movies that's really what she wants you know gave up breads yeah so like and and basically like the only reason she again no reason that

she's in this fucking movie but she shows up in this scene because her niece who is the duck dynasty girl or whatever is sending her the cell phone video of the protest at the school where the girls not being allowed to protest because of blah blah blah and she's like oh yeah I'd love to meet with your underage friend against her parents will about this ongoing legal case. I'm a member of the press. I mean, she's got a blog. Oh, yeah, there's that. And then, of course, we get Tom the Lawyer's opening statement. Yes. And it starts with that same fucking trope about how the words separation of church and state are nowhere to be found in the Constitution for the Declaration of Independence. You know, like, I'm sorry, but, but like, the fact that I'm not allowed to juice my noodle into your socks while you sleep is also not in the Constitution of the Declaration of Independence.

And I really want to, Jesse Metcalfe, I really want it. Right, but Ray Wise and his legal team are tearing through their paperwork at this point. Yes, yeah. yellow pads flying everywhere Are you sure it's not in there? Check it again. Check it again. You know the S's looks like But here's the crazy thing he brings that up and that's where the argument's supposed to stop But then he says the second sentence which is it's not in the constitution. It's something Thomas Jefferson said wait Sorry, did I say that? No, that's their job when he was trying to explain what the constitution it's something thomas jeferson said wait sorry did i say that no that's their job when he was trying to explain what the constitution meant yes shit i should have stopped it it's not in the constitution i

shouldn't explain that the guy who wrote the constitution was clarifying it fuck go yeah yeah and but yeah so apparently the problem is all the judicial precedent since 1878 right That's that's his issue. He's like yeah, they got it wrong. That's not what Jefferson meant at all According to David Barton right David Barton channeled him the other day. I got a video of him in a Ouija Also, we get again the most basic right of all the right to believe yes Yeah, the right to love each and everyone in this courtroom

Like it's true. Yeah, that is oh yeah big momentum shift. I wrote music note There's no way the mighty doc speed this team from Iceland Or is there or is there What if they team up to get the V do the V the rack. What if they team up to get the V do the V? Okay. Nuckelpuck. And then Amy the reporter meets with the girl and they have a totally useless scene except for where she says you know my parents are just in this for the money and my future. And then the reporter says to her well what's your heart telling you to do So badly to say fuck black guys And then we get more more courts yet, right? I guess we get the ACLU present in their case And first we get dad on the stand and like you said dad's just like I felt

Violated yes, how did it feel to hear that your daughter had heard about religion and I wrote in my notes like a Tuesday How did it feel to hear that your daughter had heard about religion and I wrote in my notes like a Tuesday? You see, we're atheists and being atheist parents, we've never had to talk to our child about religion. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. Because, you know, I hear from a lot of atheist parents, it's so easy being an atheist man. You just walk through life and no one ever brings up religion in any context Especially in the United States And then and then we get her coworker The lady who was bitching about how all the students are a pain in the ass earlier I suppose I suppose we're supposed to hate her or whatever. Yeah, she's the uncle Tom of this movie

Yeah, exactly and she basically says oh, yeah, she annoyed everybody with her religious yet She could need a stick of gum without saying grace over it. So I guess what we're supposed to believe here is that she was Christian so everyone at the school hated her because of her Christianness, which is why they're ganging up against her. Right. Also, he counters this by saying, well, has she ever started to class with a prayer? Has she ever asked you to pray or anyone else? And I just want to point out again, that this is the shit that teachers do, that the people who made this movie would defend. Like, has she ever let her class in prayer?

Is an actual example of something that happened that these people defended? So, it's like, they're trying to use things that they do against the other side that didn't... I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm bad about this movie is that they couldn't take anything that anyone would actually sue over because it would be so Obvious that they were in the fucking wrong. I mean what kind of an admission is that when you make a fucking movie about this shit And you can't use something that ever really happened in real life Isn't that an admission that the thing that you're afraid of isn't a real fucking thing they couldn't even come up with a name for this thing right right make one up

even have something they were suing over it was just the case with the yeah the chart yeah exactly uh... of course and then we have to cut to the news footage where they're talking because apparently this is national news because you know i'd so rare the teacher violates church state separation that he talked about it on all the major media and of course we learn here as if we didn't already know that all the newscasters hate Christians and Christianity and just want to see her punish. I wrote my notes.

I'm a news person. Christians are evil. I'm a news person. Yes. The atheist media machine is all over this case apparently. You can't turn on Fox News without seeing Richard Dawkins. It's exhausting. And then we get Robin Givens, the principal on the stand, and this is phenomenally stupid. Okay, so first of all, Tom the lawyer starts questioning her by saying I Notice that your school is called Martin Luther King high school not reverend Martin Luther King high school

Why is that like the principal names the school? What I Why is it called that because I was not in charge of naming the school is it cuz I'm the only black person at the school was not in charge of naming the school. Is it because I'm the only black person at the school? I figured they just let you pick every year and they got a new one. Question, are you Michelle Obama? And her actual answer is the civil rights stuff was the most important part of Dr. King's life, I think, said the bad guy from this movie. That's what happens. Well, but see, I think Tom's argument is MLK love Jesus black

woman. Why don't you? Yeah. I wrote objection white person lecturing a black person on MLK. That has to be against some kind of rules somehow. Black judge is like, no, no, I'm going to allow it. I want to see where he's going with this MLK Questioning of the black I wrote my notes dr. King also cheated on his wife or shit tonneau You're gonna use that to defend someone in an adultery trial right? Is it or is not true that he fucked a bunch of people the CIA blackmailed him with a picture?

I rest my case. Apparently. Yeah. Well, and also again, okay, so he starts saying, well, if you ever read letters from Birmingham, well, of course I have. I'm black and I'm a person. So, and she, and he's like, well, he said this Jesus, he's stuff right here. And what about this Jesus, he's stuff, would you let Miss Wesley, would you let grace talk about that in school? And she says oh no that would be too controversial again

Is that what they think do they think that we're not allowed to say that Martin Luther King was Christian? Right and next we're gonna talk about Martin Luther King who you know was just a guy Just a guy who was black he accepted evolution it guy, just a guy who was black. He accepted evolution. It. Oh, and of course he's got to do the, oh, he starts to walk away and he goes, oh, one last question.

Yeah, and the one old guy in the theater loved the Colombo thing. Loved it. He went nuts. He was like, Colombo, Matt Locke. This was the first time I believe that he just gave up and laughed out out loud and i was like oh good he did it first so and and his last question is he's like oh i noticed that uh at the beginning of the school year you did a big whole thing about diversity huh i guess it's as

long as it's not Christian diversity to which i wrote oh it's the all-lives matter legal defense exactly i. Oh, clear. I mean, I'm yelling objection at this fucking point. At this point, we got a shot of Melissa Joan Hart, and I just thought to myself, she looks like the girl who turned into a blueberry from Willy Wonka just like decided to live with it. And then, of course, Raywise crossed examines her and he does the O1 last question thing too.

He goes, he goes, basically did you also do a bunch of blatantly illegal things that haven't been mentioned yet? Yes. That's his one last question. She kicks the dirt. No, did she also take donations for her church in her classroom? Yeah, yeah, she did So yeah, once again the movie loses it to itself again Did she sacrifice a pig to Lucifer right? That's what she did. Yeah, that's not what we're suing her over her

But now that you mentioned it like to Jesus exists who the fuck knows? Right? Is it true that she looks like an alternate universe Louis C. K. Where he's a girl? It is, Your Honor. It is. It's the wig that threw me off. They it was probably Louis play in the part. And then of course we have to again shoehorn red haired lady into this movie. So she sees Melissa Joan hard after court and she's like you know they want to destroy you and not just financially and like what else are they after her uterus i mean what are they what are they gonna do grind her

oh and then we got a cut to lunch with david a our white in all his past her buddies yeah and apparently we have to do this to shoehorn yet another character from the last movie because the guy who is the car rental guy is the waiter now holy shit and he's decided his character's gay in between the two movies he's gone like oh yeah that guy was gay okay i got it

but this is where we learn uh... via what's the dead guy who shows up in this movie that that he was a senator uh... friend like huckabee Fred Phillips yeah no yeah my cockabee is in it too but the Fred the Fred guy he was in uh... he was like huckabee because i'm super happy no no he's not unfortunately can we

kill like huckabee text all your friends no, no. Yeah, it's a trouble. Oh, that one. No, Fred Thompson is this name, I think. He was a center of contests here, whatever. Anyway, he died right after they filmed this. I think he was supposed to have more of a part in the movie.

He just shows up for this one scene. He shows up, and in the words of the immortal Andrew Jackson gentleman, I don't want to spoil your brunch. Right. Andrew Jackson gentleman, I don't want to spoil your brunch. But apparently they've subpoenaed everyone's sermons for the last four months. Now again, there is no they, I mean, it's just they, they have subpoenaed. There's no reason. We never a stat, this isn't connected to this court case in any way or anything else that's explained at any point in this movie it's just that they want to fucking harken back to that thing that happened in Houston where a fucking right they got they got taken back yeah exactly

they got taken back in quite frankly should not have because the fucking charge in Houston was that the fucking pastors were using their pulpit to to tell people how to vote on a proposition that was coming up in he was to which they were which makes it ill which is illegal because their tax exempt that's what the fucking thing in he was to was all about and they backed down because a bunch of christian jackasses wind and piston mone and complain about it even though they had every fucking right to do that

anyway for context the thing that he's referencing was basically a guy was like vote for Dick Cheney and we were like, dude You can't do that. Did you say that in church? And he was like sure didn't do you have a copy of your sermons? I'll sue you to death. Yeah, I don't need him. Yeah, right That was version of their universe that means they're collecting all the sermons for approval from communist America I guess yeah, that's Bernie Sanders just reading through all of them. I don't like this one. That is bird's landing on his finger. Well, I think this was mostly there, though,

so that David Arawite could deliver as they'll never take our freedom speech. Right. He says, quote, the message of the gospel has a standing against a lot of things that people want. Oh, gay marriage. Oh, my God. We want a bunch of parents, we want a bunch of the things that people want. Oh, gay marriage. Oh, my God. I'm going to mojo parents. What do I mean?

No, David, we have to cut that. I was just coughing. I keep the coughing. And we also get to meet this one, like, sniveling liberal pastor, who's like, dude, just relax. It's just a ministry of truth. They're doing a standard audit. There's a minister. The sermon's all the time. It's no big. It's take it easy. We're going to give it to them. Yeah. And so then we cut over to to Chinese food with with grace and Tom the lawyer. Apparently

grandpa is acting like this is a date, but less face is she could have been casted as this dude's mom in this movie so it's not right yeah and by the way during this Chinese food eating scene most of Joan Hart is visibly frustrated at how little food she can pick up at a time of chopsticks visibly fresh she is angry and that's difficult to do when your face is frozen into one single expression. Yeah, right Also, this is where she tells her how she found Jesus story which is fucking terrifying her story is basically My parents were in a special religious, but then I was sad and there was a church there And I was like think I'll join a cult had a psychotic break the end That's it. That's it. It's back to Tom and he looks horrifying

Well, and but they set it up like it's gonna be this big thing like there was gonna be this big moment She's like I wasn't a Christian. He's like well, what when did you say it was a dark and stormy night? And I was walking down the street sad and alone and then I saw a church and then times like yeah uh-huh and she's like well that's that's it was it had a sign you know that's pretty much it. Have you heard of the word church? It's like a building there's a few around. It's amazing I saw one.

At this point the writers all look to each other and they were like guys we need to make this movie about 500 times more racist. So they decide to bring Martin's dad to Chinese guy from China. Yes. For them to have an angry screaming in Communist China, religion fucks you on your side. Right. And by the way, the very first line from old racist stereotype Asian man is you have disgraced your family yes stab yourself in the belly right now right right right i can't drive by the white

right right and then and yes so dad finds out he's a Christian and disowns him because you know how secular parents are always disowning their kids for disagreeing with them about theological matters. Oh, streets of Utah just covered in LGBT youth that are Christian and their parents just won't take care of. Exactly. So of course, Martin goes to church to get over the dad stuff and they actually have this Chinese kid singing a hymn on the piano and I just wrote they're baiting us. They're baiting. I'm not going there. He goes to the piano and I wrote my notes. If he says

me so Ronry I'm back. I will buy a dozen copies of this movie. It was so almost there. This movie's pretty well made as far as movies go but one part of this movie that's fucking insane is there's piano playing over him playing the yeah the soundtrack was the big like from a filmmaking perspective if you take out the acting and the writing the the the the soundtrack was probably the weakest point in this film and of course the reason that we have this scene is so that we can find out that Brooke was there at the church the whole time and and heard him and now she has questions for him Right she hears him singing which by the way sounds like the elephant man having an orgasm

More or less yeah, and then of course we go back to Grace's house where we learned that Tom is lawyering as hard as he can But he just can't win the case We actually cut to the scene and it's him throwing down a fucking full folder full of papers going he just doesn't make mistakes yeah right ray wise is ice man but Tom's a maverick so I can see what happened which by the way most lawyers don't make mistakes because if they do it's a mistrile like that's not he isn't slipped up and said I sure hope no one stabs me in this red glowing spot under my armpit But this is also where grace has her big idea. Yes, she says

What if we can just prove that Jesus is a real guy? Then it'll all be about history and not about religion guy, then it'll all be about history and not about religion. Which is why no one would sue you over this in the first place any fucking way. She actually says in this scene she goes, and every incredible historian agrees that Jesus existed, there's just too much evidence. That's an actual line in this script. It is. And that is when my entire theater burst into laughter and we all realized we were watching this That's when my full theater of New Yorkers all went Oh God, we're safe. It's okay everyone left I

Just wrote in my notes when I realized that that was gonna be their new legal strategy I just took a whole page to write hooray I just put dance back Richard carrier dance back that that was going to be their new legal strategy i just took a whole page to write who are they i just put dance back Richard carrier i also wrote in the scene because they're doing the late night legal strategy thing you gotta have it please tell me we get to watch Melissa john heart run in the rain at some point sprint or maybe maybe just tom runs in the rain

maybe pops the shirt or dynamics, whatever. Some kind of rain running. So then of course we've got to cut back to Martin and Brooke at the church. He's answering all of her questions because he's 147 answers ahead apparently. And this is where she's like, oh, well, God gave me five more minutes with my dead brother through his notes in the Bible

And I'm like God also killed your brother with a car so Jingly key So she gets saved in a very tearful Thank you for dying on the cross for me and I just wrote my notes so Want a fuck bad time Well I wrote like like because at the end he says amen for but she doesn't say amen So I don't think it counts. It's like HTML brackets. You got to close that shit or Jesus Things all the stuff you're saying from that point on yeah, it doesn't it's like those brackets except they don't work

Yeah, right So now that your concerns about Brooks Immortal Soul have been somewhat a la I guess we can pause for a quick break but before we do let me give act three the hard sell here will they spend the rest of this movie trotting out Christian apologists to pitch their books about the history of Jesus on the stand you bet your ass they will David thanks for coming in you bet very excited about this new project. Great, great. So, your memo said you want to do a courtroom drama this time, right?

Exactly. And I want to base it on real cases of Christian persecution and American courts. You know? A bunch of greedy realism. Right, right. Well, this is Ed. He's our chief script consultant for Legal Matters. And we had him look into that. So Ed, what do you have for us? Yeah, well, it turns out that there are no cases of Christian persecution in American courts ever.

Ever? Ever. I'm sorry, friend, I find that hard to believe. That's because you live in a bubble, right? You live in an imaginary universe that insulates itself with pretend museums, pretend scientific journals, and pretend legal precedents. That may or may not be true. Well, what about those evil Satan lawyers, the watcha McCollum, with the Jew at the front of the FFRF? Them, yes, them. They're taking Christians to court all the time, right? Well, yes, but

Taking to court and Persecuting are radically different things I'm not sure I believe you but for the sake of argument. Let's pretend I do What kind of things does the FFRF do? Oh, well, let's see. Here's a case where they sent a school of letter because the football coach was doing mass baptisms with his player on the field. See, that's persecution, right? Because everyone needed to get a map.

Yeah. No, he was, he was clearly violating the law. Wait, wait, how so? What? What he was doing is against the law. Hmm. I see. Let's see. I got another one here.

Here's a, here's one where they stopped a Christian group in Texas from distributing Bibles in public schools. See, bam, there, persecution, the Bible is our book and we wanted and they said no. He's got you there, Ed, you gotta admit. Well, no, he doesn't because again, that's blatantly illegal. Wait, why?

What do you, I have, I mean, would you want, say, Muslim groups giving your kids karrons or Satanists giving your kids lucifer coloring books? No, they can't. No, I'm not okay. Of course not. Right, right. Now, do you see how that's kind of the same thing?

I do not know. Not at all. What are you talking about? Never mind. All right, all right. What about this Alabama primary school? The teacher was literally leading her students in prayer, and they stopped that.

Is that also persecution? Yes. Yep. And obviously, what about this coach who would punish this players by making them copy Bible versus that's also persecution? Yes. Yes.

Straight up lion feeding. Well, okay. All right. What about what about this Louisiana teacher that told her students that the Bible was 100% true It is okay, and then she told her Buddha students that their faith was stupid and that they should convert to Christianity I mean Buddhism is stupid. They like sit and chairs and stuff should convert to Christianity What do you and and then and then when the parents complain, the school administrator suggested that the family

consider moving out of the Bible belt. I mean, that's a good, that's good suggestion. That's being made for the came from. Yeah, that'd be good idea. So, so you guys think suing over that is also persecution? Obviously. Wait, those assholes from the ff rf sued over that Well, no actually I mean this one was I guess that that one in particular was handled by the a sale you

Let's make them the bad guys then that yeah, they like the black people. Yeah perfect I smell chalk Let's melt chalk. Hahaha. Hahaha. And we're back for the if you can believe this least plausible third of the film. Haha. And we're gonna inaugurate it with the single moment in the movie that brought me the most of billions and maybe not even just in this movie, but in my entire life of going to

the movies. And I have an incredible moment. I stood up at the exact same time. I don't know who this guy is, but we're soulmates. Me and a guy in the front roll stood up at the exact same time and shouted two words. Leastrowable mother fucking. Strowable. That's right.

Leastrowable infamous Christian apologist and author of the case for Christ is on the staff. Lee Strobel is a historian the way I am a personal child. By the way, he looks like Ed Bigley Jr. got punched in the face. But he's smiling anyway. He's permanently smiling. Yeah, so he's like, can you prove that Jesus existed,

that the lawyer is in troubles like, well, of course. And for starters, we said the date at the beginning of the court proceedings, that proves that Jesus existed, otherwise this A.D. shit wouldn't work. Now, that's literally what he says. This is opening thing. Yes. That is actually his argument and no one in this movie goes fuck you. Nobody says well, you do know that that didn't really come into usage until the 9th century, right?

And and also Biblical scholars all agree that it was wrong when it did come into existence and if Jesus lived He was probably born between 6 and 4 BC. You do know that, don't you, Lee Strobel? I'm afraid I'm going to have to present the evidence of jingling. He's jingling. He goes, there are over 39 ancient sources that mentioned Jesus. They're all ancient. None of them, you know, is like we're written when Jesus was around or anything. We don't have anything contemporary, but there's a lot of ancient sources that talked about a long after he died.

Yeah, his second half of his argument is basically, are you kidding me? People say it's true. He says, Jesus is death on the cross is indisputable despite all the dispute. That's indisputable. In the Bible. Inside the Bible that's under dispute in the Bible inside the Bible. That's under dispute It's like a wrestling coach trying to teach a physics class brutal. Well, I love to that Tom the lawyer says now mr. Strobel does being a Christian prejudice your view to it. She goes no

And he's like you do you promise it does he's like yeah for realsies Okay, then and then I think he swear right and the whole jury's like, do you promise it? Does he like, yeah, for realsies? Okay then. And then he swear. Right. And the whole jury's like, well, I didn't say it for realsies. That's it. That was it. Pinky, I looked to see if he was going to use the ring finger and try to cheat him. But no, he didn't. And then they basically salon magazine bark. Yeah, that poor guy. He must have gotten a text that poor mother. He's an actual historian. Now I know how Sam Harris feels. He's just sitting there and probably reading a book about ancient Mesopotamian. Someone's like, hey man, did you say that Jesus Christ existed and it's an undeniable fact? And he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Why would I say that? That's fucking bullshit.

I don't know. There's like a movie all over America right now that says you did oh that's oh Now for the record bar there man does say that that Jesus was a Historical character of course. He also says a whole bunch of shit mr. Strobel wouldn't care much more so He says Jesus was a historical character like fucking like there was a guy named yeshwa Right, yes character like fucking like there was a guy named yeshwa Yes, yeah, there was there was an apocalyptic preacher named yeshwa who was a dangerous motherfucker that was rightly Executed by the people that like that like we would probably execute someone for the same thing now or at least throw His ass in jail or whatever kind of a thing But yes, but Bart Harman gets a good name drop there

And I love he says even even agnostic historian, Bart Ahrman agrees that Jesus existed. Yeah, they introduce him as the agnostic historian. It's supposed to all those gnostic historians out there. Much more credible now. Good. I get it. And of course, he closes off by pointing out

that according to Lee's struggle, denying Jesus just means that no amount of evidence would convince you, you know, other than, you know, maybe a single contemporary source or shred of archeological evidence, if you wanted a bunch of bullshit or something. But, and I love the fact that no one in the movie goes, okay, this is not at all what we were talking about at the beginning

of this case. We really should have defined the charges at some point or something. Earlier in the movie, the ACLU lawyer is like objection leading the witness, but here he's not like objection. What the fuck are you talking about? He's like, let's see where they're going with this. Yes. And then we go back to Red Hair Girl again for some reason. And she's shown up at the church to talk to Pastor Dave. But unfortunately, he's away at jury duty, which is fine because African pastor will fill her right up. Yeah, he says he's sweeping and she's like, where's Pastor Dave?

And he's like, he's not here. And then she starts to leave and he goes, sweeping is something I only do part time, which if anyone ever said that to me, I would immediately sprint away as fast as I can. That's how you end up in a basement, putting lotion in the bathroom. Right.

I expected him to go, like, I'm actually a producer slash choreographer in my real job. But I just sweep here, you here, you wanna hop in back, pastor Dave's not around. I've got this black leather couch. So yeah, so she talks to about how she used to believe in Jesus, but now that he doesn't have cancer, what's the point?

And his answer seems to be, I know, crazy, right? Right, he's just, he delights in using us in ways we never knew we wanted. I wrote the Eli Boss stuff. Butt stuff. That's just an African euphemism for butt stuff. Yeah, this is exciting. This Redhaired Ladies character arc is continue not having cancer anymore.

So, she keeps doing like, type those loose ends from the first one. Yeah, it's important. Good job. So, now we cut to David R. White going to the County clerk's office where everyone is turned in his sermons except for him. Yes. And, uh, and he goes in and he's like, are you turning your sermons? He's like, yes. And he puts this envelope on the paper. And he says, yeah, that doesn't look like enough for very many sermons. He's like, no, it's a letter telling you why I won't do this. And he he has his whole little speech where he's like I mean I know it's

very unusual for a pastor to break the law in any way right yeah what I know rift from makes it impossible to break the law technically that decided to break the law here you go and he's he's handing the stuff to the ugliest guy that could possibly find yeah yeah yeah Just stuff how chicken wings you face the whole time how are we gonna make this guy less attractive than David airway What about barbecue sauce all over his face? Perfect perfect can we do like an Antonio Benderas bucket of And then David air white walks out and he starts like holding his stomach and he almost passes out or whatever and I'm like Is his character dying of persecution now? Is that I really really hoped that David R. White was gonna die during this movie?

So yeah, and then of course we today is a So then we cut back to the courtroom where he passes out apparently he's had an attack of appendicitis in the middle of the The court proceedings and the ACLU guys loves it. He's like You you get the feeling that he is I thought he had Right His reaction made me be like oh my god He had pulled his way. Right. He's actually made me be like, oh my God.

Yeah. He actually has a license. I guess that proves there's no God. When he passes out. Okay, well assuming this alternate juror is an atheist like we thought, I think it's safe to say God is dead. Can we just roll?

Credits, no. And I love to. Okay, so they bring in the alternate juror and she's got like, blue tinted hair and she's all goth. There's no way she loves Jesus. Like, I didn't even get that until later in the movie that that's why they did that is because we're supposed to look at her and think, oh, she's godless. But apparently we are. It's a reveal later. Do hurry. Christians can rock pretty hard too.

Are we at news points? Who else only gets to see their kids on weekends? It's great to be a drummer when you're six months. You gotta get famous then be a drummer, guys. You're the famous then drummer. So then of course we gotta get to another, they got the alternate juror in place. We have to get more testimony from Christian authors. This time from J. Warner Wallace author of

Case Christianity. Yeah, yeah, and I wrote like where does this movie take place in like the this is sport center of Christian apologetics? All these Room yeah Ray wise about the call the devil's mascot to the right But no, it's the guy who wrote Cold Case Christianity, the homicide detective. Sometimes, by the way, it was the Jews, just like we thought. He goes, I examined eyewitness claims. I'm like, are you sure about that? Because there aren't any.

Like every historian, Christian, or not agrees that there are no eyewitness accounts of anything that happened in the Jesus legend. Nothing was written down until many years after he died. So there are no eyewitness claims. And yet that's his entire fucking thing. Is that well according to these eyewitness claims? Anyway, yeah. Also, and then he's like, well, aren't there a shit ton of contradictions in a Bible when he goes, yeah, that proves they're true because they're feeling in the information that the other one left out. It's like, yeah, but what about the stuff that's directly contradicted? And he goes, well, that's what you'd expect. That's jingles.

I mentioned the keys and how they jingles. I just wrote, oh, the contradictions are good. Well, then what about the parts that line up? Yeah, right. The fact that disprovement. None of it lines up. Check me. Error type. Doesn't line up at all. Oh, and then of course we have to get the die for a lie apologetic where he's like, well, think of all of these people that were around at that time and then they got killed over this stuff and if they hadn't really seen it,

they wouldn't get killed over it. And I'm like, again, there are no contemporary accounts. There's no historical evidence that any of Jesus' fucking followers ever got persecuted or martyr or anything like that, unless you take the claims of the Bible literally true. Also, if you're going for martyr for martyr, then I hate to tell you, but Harry Krishnan's got you beat by a horrible...

Ha ha ha. And then of course there's the big reveal where he's like well aren't you bias because you're a christian he's like no no no when i started this project i was an atheist and everyone's like i think it's to turn christian it's not possible now i i want to point out the way he words this to because he says no when i started this research i was a devout atheist those are the actual words he used which is the two-stay yeah I know of no one more atheist than me and I've never heard

anyone say they were a devout what would that even mean that doesn't even mean a thing anyway so yeah yeah so mean? That doesn't even mean a thing Anyway, so yeah, yeah, so no he's like no. I was a devout atheist I just became a Christian to sell these books devout biologist no By the way his bio on his own website says that that's not true Just really put it in front of there the bio inch own website very clearly proves that that's not true but I guess for the next contradictions are good contradicts and he i think he's talking sort of

frances collins atheism like you know i'm wondering if this jesus thing is true oh look a waterfall sure is yeah right right and and as if this courtroom has not gone off the rails enough all of a sudden broke bursts into the courtroom to yell that graces innocent dammit right and someone didn't just go mistrile uh... right right exactly exactly

and at the very least they didn't just have the bailiff remover but no instead And at very least they didn't just have the bailiff remover, but no, instead, Tom the lawyer calls her to the stand. He calls the underage witness that just admitted her bias against her parents will with no opportunity for the plaintiff to prepare, no announcement whatsoever. He's like, I call Brooke to the stand. And of course, Judge Ernie's like, yeah, why the hell not? There are no rules

sure would you like a sword while you're at this point I just wrote how much time is left they need like you know a Netflix timing bar on the bottom of these something if you're gonna go straight to Netflix in two weeks straight to you do you got a timing bar check my fucking clock so much in a movie. And basically, so once Tom gets broke on the stand, his question is like, okay, so do you think the jurors should write guilty or not guilty when they go in there? Where you think? Right.

That was basically it. And then she basically, so she just says the whole like she was great. I asked the question. Then the other lawyer gets up and goes Hey, do you remember the time when your teacher asked you in a moment of weakness whether or not you'd ever thought about life after death and then told you that the reason why she was so Happy and fulfilled was because of Christianity and she's like right. I would like to unburst in the door Right, I would like to unburst in the door I

She might as well close your eyes and been like you can't see Coolid man right back out Oh no, no, and I love to the like the bad guy the evil ACLU lawyer says so when you are talking with your teacher And she was telling you about Jesus and everything while you were clearly upset about the death of your brother Did she suggest you see the school counselor or did she at any time tell you that she was unqualified to talk with you about this and I'm like What a great fucking question. Yeah, did she teach you about secular grief? Yeah, did she teach the controversy? I you about secular grief? Did she teach the controversy? I didn't think so. You're witness. Again, I just want to point out that I never burst in the door. So I have none of this. I move to strike. I'll love it. Right. Yeah, mine as well. And then of course, she mentions on the stand, she talks

about her brother's Bible, and it cuts to the fucking parents and they look like the salvation army returned as underage porn Collection or something are done at a Bible. Oh, no, he might be in heaven now She's like and she also says she's like I started reading the Bible and I just couldn't stop and I'm just like writing bull shit But I'm putting a period between each letter But I'm putting a period between each letter, you know Shit really what was your favorite part of Genesis the part where they kept talking about who people fuck That was so good part that was good a lot of it was good couldn't put it down It's like Harry Potter to secret of the news I'm like, but who be got him so yeah, yeah, and then evil lawyer goes

So are you a believer now and she nods He goes maybe even a Dramatic pause he actually says that Christian and Everyone in the audience is like Like I'm sorry is there a is there a level between believer and Christian for these people. I don't I Don't know what that anyway. So yeah, so Grace looks over at the jury and she says to her, she's like, why do they all look so angry?

And I thought he was going to say, because they're, it's jury duty. Who the fuck wants to be here? Instead, he says because they think we lied to them. Like, no, you did. You did lie. They don't think they're correct. Yeah.

And then everybody gets up. This is so fucking crazy. Everybody in the courtroom gets up and leaves and just leaves brook alone on the stand. Yes, you don't just hang out alone in the courtroom. But everyone gets up and leaves like the filibuster from fucking the population.

And brook is just alone crying in an empty room. Yeah, they just, well, it's secular secular so they're just gonna leave her there to work it out on her own also fun fact I did find something less attractive than Melissa Joan Hart it's Melissa Joan Hart when she's crying oh my god and here's the thing though that I I loved the fact that she disagree I I enjoyed this all anyway sorry go ahead but see I just appreciated the fact that she distracted me from how unattractive she was by reminding me what a shitty actress she was. Oh my god, this was so painful. From this point on, like every note I have is just what a terrible fucking job she's doing with the acting in this movie. And of course, at this point, we have to have a quick series of scenes trying to remind

you who all is in the movie. So we just check in with Martin, check in with David A.R. White, whatever. Remember, he was in the hospital. Then she has a scene where she's chatting with Gramps. Yeah. And she basically says, recently, when I've been praying, I've been feeling not so fresh, down there. Yeah.

By the way, at this point, they're also eating a giant cupcake. Again, if you watch this movie, watch it. They're eating a giant cupcake. It was in the old guy's writer. Yes, he says like, when she prays now, it seems like Jesus is a million miles away. And then of course, Grandpa says,

well, you know better than anyone that the teacher stays silent during the test. I'm like, oh yeah, you've just proved Jesus by as non-existent as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The teacher also stays silent all other times. You have an invisible mute teacher, great. As you know, the teacher stays silent during the rape.

Yeah, right. And then of course, Brooke brings the whole church choir to her front yard to sing her back into happiness. And dad sings too. And singing as almost as bad as her acting. Which by the way, did they have rehearsals? Like in the universe of this movie, did they have a bunch of rehearsals just in case the trial went badly? I'm trying to figure out what that universe looks like.

All right guys, so Tuesdays and Thursday nights from 7 to 10 again, this is in case Brooke bursts into the courtroom and her testimony ends up ruling our side of the trial. But then on Wednesdays, we're rehearsing for if we win, but Tom gets hit by a car on his way out of the courtroom. What is that? I so expected that. And I have to say, like at this point, was she standing on the porch and they're all singing to her, I felt like her not acting had crossed all the way back into talent. Like I don't think I could not act as well as she did in that scene.

Also by the way, this movie is technically illegal if they don't sing a dreidel song and an atheist song to We will speak to the script if that's what it takes And this movie wasn't spectacular enough. This is where we get Mike Hocka be Mike Hocka Big exclamation marks all over my page and I get the impression that this movie was supposed to come out right as my kakabi was pulling ahead in the primate uh also i think this was supposed to come out while antonine scalia was still alive so yeah what are you gonna do what are you gonna do so hakabi's talking about this trial of course on his tv show to

his guest and i love this little exchange because he turns to his guest and he goes, well, how do you convince the skeptics? And I, I, one of the guys just go, you don't, Mike. Is it that you give up on them and target children? You know that. Sorry, sorry. God, I forgot. So of course, and then we see, uh, and this is why I still look like droopy dogs abusive dad. That weight loss thing you had going,

not going as well anymore, but it was nice for a while. It was nice while it lasted. And then of course, we're watching, it's Pastor Dave watching this on TV. So now all of a sudden, Martin shows up to say goodbye, because Martin is going back to China to be a pastor.

Yeah, Martin's gonna get a bamboo stick through the ears. Yeah, no, shit. I love to that the black egg goes, well, there may be challenges in your country. And I'm like, what a way to sugarcoat, you know, you may have your testicle removed by a genetically modified badger. There could be challenges in your country. Uh-huh.

And then we cut to outside of the courthouse where now this is I think the most racist thing. All of the white people are sitting there. All the Christians are white in sitting there very quietly. And then the only African-American extras we've seen in this entire movie are standing there just screaming at them. Yeah, okay. So in this world, all the science protesters showed up at the courthouse to be rowdy and angry. The rabid crowds of atheists, you so often see outside.

Of the atheists, devout, fundamentalist atheists, yeah. But of course, all the Christian protesters are common collected as always. Am I right, Nick and Sandy? Am I right? Yeah, these Christian protesters are super super reasonable. They got nice signs like God respectfully disagrees with facts Let's let's weigh the issues fairly. Let's open a dialogue about the facts Shit log about the facts Shit, so now we're we're getting the last day a court and of course time is late for court because apparently that's a thing You have to do in

Court movies so that he can show up dramatically and this time he's wearing a three-piece suit and my god It looks fantastic on him. He really does. He suited the fuck up. Holy shit. He has an American flag pockets where oh I He has an American flag pockets So then you come to the uh comes to the bench and he goes I'd like to call a surprised witness because in this world You get surprise witnesses I guess after you've closed yeah He says I want to call grace to the Stan and It's just like I don't want to take the stand And it's like it doesn't matter. It's like yeah, it does though. You can't make it does you're just an appointed representative Get on up there. Can I treat her as hostile? Sure, you don't know what that fucking means. I mean you can smacker Not in it. It's like yeah waterboard her

So yeah, apparently in this world you can force your own client to the stand against their will, then you can ask the judge to treat him hostile, which means that you can yell at them until they cry. That's what it means when you treat somebody as a hostile witness, is that you yell at them until they cry. And then basically he gives a monologue, which is like't it true your guilty your guilty, aren't you? Guilty guilty guilty. She's like yeah, man. I'm super fucking guilty I'm super guilty and I look like David spade eight too many potatoes and then put on a blonde wig

And I She's like he's like I want you to apologize. She's like, but I can't I'm too Christian to lie And he's like, but didn't Jesus speak to you personally? Didn't you tell me that and I'm like voices in her head are we going with the insanity plea now? But but no, we're just getting the courtroom. You've got to yell at somebody and and stuff seen So basically this is the you can't handle the myth scene of the movie yeah you got them right i ordered the conversion therapy i'm out of order this whole courtroom's out of order sorry i just wanted to yeah yeah exactly exactly i object to the way she makes me feel when i walk in the room so and then and so then she reveals this apparently the reason he's brought around

the status that she so that she can tell the jury the story that she told him about seeing the church and that's what happened and of course then Tom the lawyer suggests that if the jury finds her guilty this will inevitably lead to Christians being murdered with guns right he says that oh well he does the libertarian argument, right? Because it's like, well, first they're gonna do this, and then they're gonna ask you for your money, and then if you don't give them your money, they're gonna throw you in jail.

And we all know that law is enforced at the point of a gun. It's the Bernie Sanders trap question. It's the, oh, do you believe in non-violent people? Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, and a black, I've never read a book. But that's actually what he says the argument that he makes to the jury is, you know, like if you find her guilty, they will murder Christians with guns.

Yeah, very similar to the Holocaust. It's pretty much the same thing. And then I guess court of jurns, but for real this time, and her knees decides there will be no closing statements. Yes. Quarter germs. And again, they leave someone alone in the room. Yeah, he's just sitting there crying on the window. I also love as everybody's filing out you hear from the peanut gallery, somebody goes, she hasn't got a prayer. Uh-huh. But it turns out she does have a prayer guys the news boys are coming back into the movie so that they can pray for her i guess

yeah because they took a call on stage yes Amy called the babies on the phone on which means that he just answers it they were in the middle of a song it was like one second oh my god it's oh it's not a movie phone on which means that he just answers it they were in the middle of a song is like one second oh my god just in the middle of a fucking rock concert as much as you were call on stage so we get a everyone praying for grace montages it's not just the thousands upon thousands that have filled this stadium for a newsboys concert it's also all the students and all the people

that she knows I also love during this uh... montage we get time the lawyer reading man myth miss i i i i i i i i i i i i'm a repentant atheist lawyer and i enjoy man myth miss i i i i i i i crisp clean taste of spryte i'm guessing that the uh... and the salvation army from from earlier it was right i'm guessing that the author of man myth msia had his part cut and they're like oh we'll have somebody read your book on it we promise we promise so then we head back to court for one last time and the the judge turns to him and he's like just to be clear she said she's guilty they are guilty

yeah and the jury's like we find the defendant Jesus Christ exists Nothing reasonable to say there because they haven't made a charge or Disgust what this case would be about so it's just like we find in favor of Lee Strobel and the Christian yeah, Yeah, whatever she was charged with, she didn't do it. I never told us, but we're still in. We got over to Ray Wise and I just wrote, there isn't enough fresh puppy blood in the world

to satiate an ACLU lawyer at times like this. Right, and we learned that the God, this is when the God girl turns around and she's got a crucifix tattooed on the back of her neck and I wrote, man, you could not kill my boner or Nothing is inside my stomach at this point

So yeah, yeah exactly that and and I honestly did not realize until I read somebody else's review that this was supposed to be a Reveal that we were supposed to have just assumed this whole time well she can't be a Christian and oh there's a cross right there like I'm just like what why is is there going to be a lesbian scene back by is she like inviting her to the bathroom or I didn't I had no fucking idea and then then time gives her the you stood up for what you believe in speech and then Brooke runs outside to tell the trillions of people who have gathered outside the good news about the verdict. And she tells them God's not dead! But she can't do that because that won't fit into the song correctly. So they all start chanting God's not dead, He's surely alive, which is not, you can't chant that many syllables in that big

of crowd and it was very clear. God's not dead. He said, God's not dead. Suddenly they were trying to sing, Ro Ro Ro Ro your boat together or something. As a round in a crowd of millions, yeah. And by the way, apparently God can't create a court case that he can't survive. So it's so exciting. What now? J. Walter Weatherman or other fucked up guys' names? Yeah. Oh, and then of course we get the, we get Gramsys with his walker and he's walker dancing and he says, God is good.

And then we cut to African guy and pastor Dave who are like, are you going to say the tagline thing from the first year? You do our catchphrases. Like, how much am I getting paid? A lot. Dave who are like, are you gonna say the tagline thing from the first game? You do your catchphrases. How much am I getting paid? A lot. God is good all the time and all the time. God is good.

Yes. I hate you. Then we get Ray Wisewalk, get out of the court room with his lawyer team. This is the only time that hot chick that was distracting you from earlier talks. Oh no, that's a different hot chick, never mind. Different hot. Yeah, yeah, so the other hot chick in this movie says she goes,

I just don't understand how they won. And the other guy goes lawyer talk lawyer talk lawyer talk. And then the girl goes, well, not to mention they proved the existence of Jesus Christ. Again, that was a line in the script. Not to mention that they proved the existence of Jesus Christ. Again, that was a line in the script. Not to mention that they proved the existence of Jesus Christ. I wanted so badly for him to be like, shut up, Ness. Do you even work here? I also think as an atheist lawyer that it's worth noting that we were defeated by the very same logic and reason we cherish so many. It's a bitter taste our own medicine sure is.

We love it. Yes, it turns out that God's not dead after all. What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, I'm real high right now. The trial's been a mess. The judge, Helen, let me have a little bit of his bong earlier. And then we all texted each other and by that I mean the So

And I just want to point out that in the theater I texted my fiance I tweeted this but I texted my fiance God's not dead. He's surely alive. She texted me go fuck yourself Which is this screenshot that Eli sent me in heath when we texted him God's not dead. He's surely alive and I was in such a hurry to get it done that I actually sent said God's not dead. He's sorely a love, but you know What now I usually I would have gone back and corrected that would I'm like ah fuck it Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. That's right. Secular auto-credit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now from the Communist conspiracy. And then this movie ends on the most possibly bizarre thing you could imagine, which is inspired

by these real cases, and I cannot recommend enough looking up the cases of Christian persecution. They have the like Christian Baker was like I don't serve baggage they could not pick worse examples is just a series of monsters people had to be like no everyone's a human you sure you sure and if that wasn't offensive enough after that list of cases, it comes up with an

exhortation to call the alliance defending freedom. If you're a Christian, whose rights are being trampled on like in this movie. Okay. So for those of you who don't know, the ADF is a goddamn anti-LGBT misogynistic hate group. It's a fucking hate group that they're telling you call the hate group. Yeah, this is like two steps away from saying Call the KKK if they sever. Yeah, right if you ever have Jews in your neighborhood Find a guy with a hood also did you guys stick around for the after credits? I couldn't do it I couldn't I know it was there and I still couldn't do it after the credits David R. White gets arrested for

Not submitting his service in the first degree. Really? Yeah, they're setting up movie brief. He gets arrested for not submitting his service. And then she, the black guy and the reporter are there and she's like, what's going to happen next? And he's like, well, whatever Whatever it is we will have to fight and then it's like Boah, I wanted so badly for the civil war logo just a flash

Oh, how great would it be if after spider-man shows up? It's the black guy he jumps on top of a car Today is a good day Shit, I wish I did stick around now. Oh, God there's so there's more to come folks. There's still more to look forward to. Okay, so I have a question. What the fuck was the moral of this story? I like, what are we supposed to learn if we're Christian to actually believe this shit? What are we supposed to walk away from this movie having learned uh... if you are a teen television star be careful about starches in your late ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha now obviously between the three of us we couldn't possibly have enough stars to spare as this tour de force would deserve so rather than attempted to quantify a masterpiece i'm simply gonna ask you this if you were a jurist and this movie was the defendant

what is the most egregious crime you could find it guilty of uh... right uh... i'm gonna say straw man slaughter you definitely straw man slaughter nice nice Well done. Wordplay. Uh, can I say rape?

But we kinda asked for it. We kinda asked for it. Like we went, I dressed pretty slutty at the theater. Yeah, yeah, I was here. I see here that you guys watch a lot of these Christian movies. So, uh... Fraud. You can kind of like think christian movies slut aren't you so

i i just want to say like i have what like the last movie i walked out of before this one was batman versus superman and i just it was so nice to walk out of a theater not being disappointed i mean say what you will about this film, but it gave me everything I hope for and then some it sure I could not possibly have imagined just how offensive and Disgustingly ridiculous this film would be so well done David A. R. White you have set the bar high for yourself for

A pro fool. Yeah, no shit, Christianity. Jesus comes out. Guys, we had that back then too. I'm sorry, and you didn't pick up on it because you move Easter around, but it was April Fool's when we did this. So I guess, well, that's going to do it for our review of God's Not Dead 2.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to get you all moist for next week. So Eli, tell us us what's on deck? Revelation road the beginning of the end. Oh my god. Okay, so obviously we felt like we had to come down off this David A our white High slowly, you don't want to go cold turkey. Yeah, so we're gonna ease our way out with this is a trilogy correct Yes, this is a trilogy that's an action series of us David our white is a traveling salesman who knows karate like I think he's got like magic ninja Christian karate yeah exactly yeah and he's gonna use it to fight post-apocalyptic bikers but it's not being a pop. Farrell bikers who live among wolves, it's not clear.

I guess. So yes, David A.R. White is an action hero. I can't believe it took this long. And apparently this is a trilogy where all three films were released in 2013. Just bunch him up. So I'm guessing he ended the night. He like added like a four and a half he ended the night, like, yeah, like a four and a half hour movie.

And like, guys, we're gonna have to split this up or something. This has DVD box set written on. No discount bin will be complete without it. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring up episode 33 to one merciful close. Once again, huge thank to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God Off, and then thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist and the Skeptocrat,

available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffemoviesatgmail.com to the big thanks to Morgan Clark for kicking ass with the song this week. Again, his soundcloud will be linked on the show notes. And of course, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotten and Kovivald Raps

on Marv's Ouel. Also, be linked on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath, and right, Neely, Bosnick. I'm no illusions promised in a work hard to earn another chunk next week. And till then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Don't mind.

Don't mind. Forget about me. I a breakfast club close. Don't mind. Don't mind. Forget about me. A battle with me. Don't blame me. Please don't sue us. Ray Wise went on to hire Keanu Reeves to defend pedophiles for his demonic law firm. Gramps ruptured his spleen, leaping in celebration of the verdict.

Grace came home to find him dead and partially eaten by the cat. Melissa Joan Hart was fed a rare candy by her trainer and eventually evolved into Snorlax. Okay, now I will remind the jury that this is a legal case. The defendant's lawyer just stood there screaming she's guilty, she's guilty. How do you find? We the not dead. He was never alive. Hashtag, puzzle in the thunderstorm. I'm your host, no illusion, in a sense. I forgot my name. Line? Line? No illusion. Just do real illusions. I'm your no-host lily

mullissa john heart the one that looks like a like a melting dolly painting we want her she wins america