God Awful Movies - 332: A Karate Christmas Miracle

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

This week, we get a bit of bonus "tacular" with an atheist review of A Karate Christmas Miracle, the story of ... actually, I have no idea. We spend an hour and forty-five minutes trying to sort that out in the review and never quite get there. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

The exponential growth of this movie's insanity is terrifying. And continues. And it will keep pace to be clear. Con, Daniel. Front of her 68 minutes, yes. If the characters in this movie had crawled through my screen, right, unfolded their skin and Kthulu had done like a small quiz on friend season six. It would not be as crazy. Nope. That's what actually happens in this fucking film. God awful movie! Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be Ethan, right? He's welcome back. No idea. No, I have no idea.

Answer your question. I see you're going to that answers a lot of the questions I have in the notes. I got to be honest with you. And sitting 900 miles to my north. He's just my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Reasmus Takima. I there's nothing Takima going on here today.

Christmas. So. No. So he, I feel like you've already answered this question, but I have to ask it anyway. Tell us what will we break? I have no idea. I have no idea what we're going to be breaking down today.

It's called a karate Christmas miracle. I know that. That we know. And that is all I know. It's it's it's it entirely doesn't involve those words. No, it's I mean, A, like there's an indefinite article that could apply to some of the stuff. I don't know. There's barely any karate Christmas is hardly featured is certainly not a miracle. No, well, a karate Christmas miracle is what we watched though. Yeah. It's like he's testifying at a Senate hearing. I don't recall. Sorry, I'm just muting my mic and conferring with my attorney.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love leaving passive aggressive posts that notes for your wife, but they don't dishonor the victim of a mass shooting enough. You will love this movie. Okay, yeah, so this is a film from the moldy bucket of monkey shit that is Kendall Becky O's mind. We've done his movies before. He was the creative mind behind the life zone and cries of the unborn to films about how morally ambiguous it is when you kidnap women and force them to birth children against their will. You decide.

Yeah. Right. So choice. And here's the thing, right? So the cries of the unborn was the sequel. It was so the life zone was all about them kidnapping these women and forcing them to bear children and then the crisis the unborn was this weird sequel thing where a jury was watching that movie and trying to decide who the bad guy was right. It's Kendall. Thank you.

Yeah. Now imagine how fucking weird it would have been to watch the cries of the unborn if we hadn't watched the life zone first. Sure. Right. That's what we did here. Oh, this movie is this. I'm going to go ahead and cue the listeners in on this in advance and because we didn't know and any of this going through it. But this is a sequel to a pro gun movie that Kendall Vecchio made in the wake of the Aurora theater shooting. About a guy who dressed as a clown and shot up a theater called the Aurora Palace. That was also known by a lady named Aurora Palace.

It's all very confusing, but that's and then his character in that movie dies. This is him bringing that character back to life in a mostly unrelated karate. Wait, what's what's the name of that movie? It's either Joker's wild or Joker's poltergeist. That's a bad start. What's the title of the movie? Well, it's either. It's exactly.

It depends on what free platform you want. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Unless you're talking about some like early Jackie Chan film, something from some foreign market that got reintroduced several to no, it's just he couldn't decide what the, he had a better idea for the name of the movie at some point and changed it. So Noah, just to be clear, the reason why we watched, I'm going to go ahead and say

indesernable nonsense. Yes. For an hour and 31 minutes is because we were not well versed enough in the veky over. Yes. Well, any other thing. So Ken Delveky has a habit of getting minor celebrities like whatever the next step up is from cameo. He uses that right. And in his movie, Joker's wild poltergeister, whatever, he had Eric Roberts and Martin Cove crease from the karate kid movies. Oh, and the culprit guy.

And so he just reused footage from those guys in this movie so that this movie also had Eric Robertson Martin. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So I just, I really just untied the knot for you guys. Did I not? Here's what's weird.

Most people upon hearing they were unversed in the veky over us would be like, oh, that's nice for me in my life. I amchio verse would be like, oh, that's nice for me in my life. I am disciplined. I'm like, oh, man, this is why I wanted to do a Vecchio verse in order. Yeah. It is. You know, all of they released them not in chronological order of the stories, guys, come up.

Okay. Well, I'm not watching a wrestling Christmas musical until I'm sure I'm caught up on the full Vecchio verse. Amen. Amen, brother. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of be the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst film festival appearance. Wait, what? Which this movie has, it appeared on opening night at the Hoboken International Film Festival. What? Which was founded and chaired by Kendall Vecchio. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha First of all, according to Fox, it's one of the 10 biggest film festivals in the world.

What? Okay. That's not true at all. No. I looked up that exactly and not once did this appear on any list, even the ones that were way larger than 10. No. Incorrect.

But, you know, Fox said it. So true. I guess that tracks. And this is also from their Facebook page. It says The best submissions will be rewarded with cash prizes in nearly 10 categories. How near it doesn't say he said she does bets on how many categories there's gonna be. Yeah, that's correct. If you guys could we get on TikTok and fake a pro live film, do you think we could win the Hoboken International Film Festival?

I think we could take second place. If it still exists, yes. Yeah. Obviously Ken's gonna take it. If there's as many as two categories. Right. One is nearly 10. Okay. So I was going to go with best worst newspaper clippings. So central to this film is that this kid is collecting newspaper clippings about his dad who is at the theater shooting that happened in the previous movie, right? And at the theater shooting that happened in the previous movie, right? And instead, it is not hard to fake newspaper clippings and barring that. Hey, when we're only seeing them for a distance, you can use real just clippings from a newspaper, but no, they have printed out kind of newsy-looking shit on eight and a half by 11 pieces of fucking printer paper and use those instead.

And they just kind of like lazily crumpled it a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. And see, I was going to go with a Vecchioverse special, best worst, prominently displayed legal books. Yeah. So for those not familiar with the Vecchio verse of the two things, Candel Vecchio is famous for one being disbarred as a municipal judge for advertising his movies

to people as they were paying their parking ticket. But two is he is somehow tangentially related to two very poor selling legal books. And those books will appear in every fucking shot in this movie, like a my pillow sponsorship. It's bizarre. People are drinking out of them like Coke. It makes no sense. All right. Well, anyway, we may have actually bitten off more than we can chew with this one. So we're going to pause for a quick break, but when we come back, we'll dive into all the disbarment level insanity that is. A karate Christmas miracle. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Eli, what's your deal, man? Did you try to climb a stair again? No, no, no, it's your doing, man? Did you try to climb a stair again? No, no, no, nothing like that. It's just, you know, made it past the holidays and that was a lot. You know, it was a lot. It seems like you could really use somebody to talk to. No, no, I need less people talking, like so much less talking.

No, no, not like that. I mean, a licensed professional therapist from BetterHelp. Wait, I can talk to a therapist about stuff like holiday-stress and family drama. You sure can. And with BetterHelp, you can do it all securely online. You can log into your account anytime and send a message to your therapist.

You'll get timely and thoughtful responses. Plus, you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. That does sound good, but what if I don't like the therapist they assigned me? Am I stuck with them? Like my cousin Rick's girlfriend who showed up without telling anybody? Not at all. Better help us committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy

and free to change therapists if needed. All right, I'm in. Where do I sign up? Just visit betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better H-E-L-P and join the over two million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. Plus as a special offer for Godolphin Blueis listeners get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. All right. Hey, any chance better help you get my cousin Rick not to bring his girlfriend next year? I don't I don't think so. Jesus tattoo of her kid on her face. I know, man, I saw.

We, we all saw. Yeah. Pfft. So what did the homestay? They said he's too young, they can't admit him. Ah, damn it. This is gentlemen. Renaissance man, come down at you.

I said, Renaissance man, can do it. I applaud you. Hey, Kenna, we want to talk to you. I got a new movie. It's a movie. It's called a karate Christmas miracle. Okay, great, but we need to talk you about these legal charges. So anyway, it's Starma Sun and my wife.

And it's all about how if I was dead, you would remember all the good stuff I did, like all the homeless people I helped and how good a karate Christmas miracle I was. And gazebo. Sorry. And gazebo. Sorry. And the gazebo. So he said, let it, let it, if you want to talk to your wife,

I think it's probably a better and I died in 9-11. Nope. No, you did not. The raw shooting. I died in the raw shooting, but only because I didn't get a chance to do my karate. Okay.

Chris, just go and write past that. Are you holding an empty bottle of witch hazel? Ken, Ken, do you really want to make a movie about how much everybody would appreciate you if you had died in the Aurora mass shooting? Or are you just trying to get around speaking to your wife? Movie. All right, man, we'll make the movie. I think you drank a bottle of witch hazel again.

Ha ha ha ha ha. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up firmly inside the public domain, get Carol of the Bells rendered as boringly as you can possibly do that beautiful piece of music. Oh, and we're listening to Kendall Vecchio try to find the right volume for the movie director. Oh, I hear the boat.

No, you can feel his fingers on the knob and she make you way into these credits. So, yes, so we head inside a house where we meet Abby. She's setting the table and she almost puts out too many plates, but then she remembers that her husband is dead. Yeah. From a sequel.

A year ago, we're going to find out later than it was a bit of a year. Yeah. And I know some people watch these movies along with us. If you don't have the time to watch these movies along with us, it's on YouTube and it's on 2B and stuff like that, but you can just look at the one quarter full salad bowl that they put out for this opening shot. Just really just pause it and look at that for like 10, 15 seconds. You've gotten the full scope of this film. It's a very small salad. I'm not wasted the whole goddamn bag of salad for a prop. Yeah. She cut up like a 16th of an onion for this. That's weird. We have 15 16th of an onion in your

fridge now. So yes, so she sets out the small salad they're having for dinner. She calls for her son, Jesse, but he doesn't come. So she goes upstairs to get him and he is, it's just gonna get weirder from here. So just buckle in now, folks. He is reciting trivia to his dad's head shot while wearing a karate uniform. That's not weird. I've been there. You make your dad proud with trivia. You wear a key to me. Take it seriously.

I feel like that was judging everyone. Moorings in their own way. All right. No fair. Fair. Now to be granted, heath is 40. So it's a little bit more upsetting than this child But at him and grotting grotting

Well, right problem setting. He's only a yellow belt at this Heath I wouldn't just say that because Ken Delveschio will drive to your house with his son to be like fight my child I will happily win or lose a fight to Ken Delveschio and his child He's like I will happily fight this guy's kid. Now, now we're gonna, this is how we make it in the newspaper. Okay, we had that lovely watching the post thing. And now it's gonna be like, podcast or lose

this karate fight question. Why? So it'll be in a local Jersey paper where like that happens three other times. That's fair. That's good. So okay, the interject mom in the weirdest fucking way. paper where like that happens three other times. That's fair. That's fair. That's good. So, okay. The interject mom in the weirdest fucking way.

So the kid is naming the president's backwards, right? And he gets to Nixon and mom cuts in and goes, Richard Nixon was impeached. Nope. Was not impeached. I wrote that down. And then the kid was like, Nixon wasn't impeached. That was like nice.

Podantic just like me. Good job, movie. So, oh yeah, the kid's like, fuck up. Mom, Iantic just like me. Good job, movie. So, oh yeah, the kids like, fuck up, mom, I'm talking to dead, dad's headshot, right? Yeah. Yeah, this is the normal thing you do. And I wrote in my notes at this point, you can take him, mom,

he's only a yellow bell. But yeah, so he explains to his mom that he's got this list of trivia tasks that includes memorizing the last ten presidents and getting a black belt before Christmas day. And if he completes all of them, then his dead dad will come back to life on Christmas day. Yep.

That is the plot of the movie. He's going to resurrect or find his missing dad who's probably dead. Maybe we didn't know because we didn't watch the pre-order. Yeah, exactly. And here's how much worse it is. He's already done all the tasks except for the karate at the start of the movie. Right. Yeah, they could have. Yeah. Exactly. We can't have crossed the line off the list. I assume these other tasks took place in Joker's wild. But if you're coming and called like we were, it's really weird to start the list on number 10. Oh, speaking of coming cold, I have to point this out.

Mom's like, come on, dinner's gonna get cold. She's like, dinner's always cold. You're a terrible cook. I'm like, it's salad. It's salad. We shot. How fucking, I'm gonna throw this in the microwave. This is ridiculous.

You never had a New Jersey hot salad. Ooh. Just blowing the steam off a little mozzarella. Hot lettuce. By the way, this character's name is Jesse. Yes, Genesis. And his dad is Bob. Yep. Bob and Abby Genesis.

Yeah. So, okay. So now we head over to this very sad karate studio where they definitely feel porn at night. Here's what's upsetting about reviewing Kandalvekio's movies. Now that I live in New Jersey, everything in this movie is a 20 minute drive from my house. Right. They show the bar's name a bunch of times. So I googled that and I was like, I wonder if there's a karate studio. in this movie is a 20 minute drive from my house. Right? They show the bar's name a bunch of times, so I Google that,

and I was like, I wonder if there's a karate studio. Yep, karate studio. I could, I could do a walking tour of a karate Christmas mirror. I had the exact same Google experience as you like. And I actually have a scavenger hunt plan for us. Yeah. I can't wait till the next time we go to visit you. and I actually have a scavenger hunt plan for us. Oh, nice. I can't wait till the next time we go to visit you.

And at the end, you find Kendall Vickio and you have to have a conversation with him. It's a punishment. And a karate fight with his son. And you fight his son. And you karate fight his son. Yeah. So, all right.

But so, okay, we're at the karate studio. Jesse Genesis is doing his little karate fighter whatever to move up a belt. Mom's there, but she's on the phone. Hard at work at her marketing job. What is marketing according to the movie? Such a great question. What do they think that is? There's gonna be a large emphasis put on Apple sauce. Yep. Yeah.

And gravy. I would love to hear Kendall Vecchio's answer to that question. What is marketing in 25 words or less, Ken? Great question. She seems to be a marketer who represents the entire like Apple sauce consortium. Right. The concept of Apple sauce. The gravy council. Like, yeah. Well, right, because it's always a different thing she's talking about candy at this point. And I honestly started feeling like at a certain point

that Ken Dovecchio thinks marketing is like, you know, Apple sauce pays you money and then you call each individual person and give them the hard sell on Apple. Right. You get your Apple sauce. Because that's what she's always doing on the bow. Hello, Mott. Oh no, you're already apples. I don't understand my job.

Actually, who? Why is it? And even if Ken's excuse would be like, well, obviously I couldn't use a branded thing for the movie. He knows that marketing isn't like pitching the thing. Like you don't look at a Coke commercial and Coke is like soda. Am I right? Yeah. Chocolate carbonated water. The thing like you don't look at a coke commercial and coke is like soda am I right?

Chocolate carbonated water the best So yeah, but so he explains once more that he has to earn his black belt before Christmas Which is five days away. He's a yellow belt at the time in order to resurrect dad and look I'm no karate master and I'm tired of having to clarify that on the air by the way Are you not a black belt? Well, no, I'm a type one, of course And I'm a second degree black belt. He keep up also. It's pronounced kata.t Absolutely how can Delvekyo pronounces it for sure. I Don't think what this child is doing is karate is there rolling around on the ground in karate? I don't man look Look, you're not.

I mean, if you fall, I feel like that would happen to me. They're doing, they're doing the squeezy UFC stuff. I think that's not Karate. You just do touch up. Yeah. The grappling. I feel like that's not Karate. I don't really know what the, where the dividing line is,

where it goes from karate to jujitsu. I'm like, we would really have to bring in Kendall back. You and his kid. I believe kind of day is the way of the open. So if you're listening and we know you are, get back to us. Let us know where the karate begins in this film. All right. So then we cut from there to scenes from the last film.

Again, we did not know that so all we get is just Weird random shots of Eric Roberts delivering a like generic Batman villain speech Okay, but it's very clearly Ken Delvecki's inner monologue. Yes, which is the most terrifying thing about the movie right It's always like they left at me when I got fired from my job as a municipal judge. But I'm allowed to buy a gun. I can buy as many guns as I want. I'm Kendall Vecchio. Yeah.

And by the way, we cut to this so violently that I assumed this is what like he had taped this movie over. There is no transitional material. It's just suddenly Eric Roberts is like, and when I was a kid and I peed myself, I just that a lot of people have that problem up until their early teens. I just want to make sure that everybody is aware that that's not really something that you should make fun of people for. Wow.

Okay. Kendall Vecchio did a home video with Eric Roberts. They forgot about it and they put it on this movie. Yeah. We had no idea what was happening. It's like, it's like a scenario from saw. So Eric Roberts is some kind of bad guy. Yeah.

Is he supposed to be the evil clown guy at the Aurora shooting? Yes. Is that who he is? Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. The movie still doesn't make any sense. No. No. A little bit more sense right now.

For those of you who want to relive our lived experience, however, this gets set up throughout the movie and never pays off. So our notes are just, they're just fucking like tied together, string and push pins, desperately trying to follow. Well, right, because it's presented like the thing that's going to be explained in the third act. Right. Yeah. I just did a control F for what? 67 what? Oh, you're gonna get a lot more of those if you include WUT. I wrote that one.

So yeah, so and then we get some like Oobrlazy Exposition in the form of correct me if I'm wrong handing over the parts of the script that explain this aspect of the story. Yep. Right, they're supposed to be headlines, but again, they're just printed on eight and a half by 11 sheets of paper. Sure are. Sure are.

Yeah, but what we learned from them is that a mysterious clown shot up a theater and that's where dad disappeared. And Jesse was dreaming what we just saw, right? It was a nightmare because we cut from there to him waking up and yelling for his mom. Okay. I wrote in my notes, I had a terrible nightmare that Eric Roberts

had to do whatever hair and makeup before responding to her screaming child. So, yeah, and he explains the dream in vivid detail like we didn't just fucking watch it. Yeah, to which mom says and I quote, Jesse, why did you dream of that? Are you a second profit? You have to, you know, you know what, never mind this. Your child is joys joys.

Your dad didn't get killed by Erick Roberts in a sauce scenario. I don't know why I would say that. Anyway, my husband's headshot is very attractive. I have it right here on the desk. Check it out. Make sure we look at that every 11 seconds in this film. Second only to the legal book. Right, yeah, exactly.

So yeah, so but she talks to kid back in, puts it back to bed, and then she goes to check out his resurrect dad checklist. This is where she finds his drawer full of eight and a half by 11 inch news. Yes, it is. So Zine, this down uses more of a Zine than his favorite. And okay, this is again, where knowing there was a prequel would have helped. In my head, it was like, this woman sees these newspaper

Olympics and is like, hold on. Did my husband get kidnapped by a clown during a mass shooting? Probably yes. And that's like what she's learned here. Yeah, but that's literally what happened is what we're saying. Yeah, also, I just want to give a big shout out to past Heath for writing, this is going to get solved with Karate. I also hope that I was so excited at this point.

Yeah. Early in the movie, I'm like, oh my God. Literally Eric Roberts, the evil clown did something like stole this kid's dad during a mass shooting Karate will solve this. I'm so goddamn happy. Yeah. No, right? No, the movie certainly sets it up like this kid's going to have to kick Eric Roberts ass with his ninja skills, but no, the never know anything with that. But a drunk art teacher will double get guests herself. So, you know, it all works. Yeah. Okay. So

then we cut to, okay, so then Ken Delveecchio justifies the drone he bought so that we can do an establishing shot of the college where apparently Kendal Vecchio's wife works. Oh yeah, Caldwell University, it's a Catholic missionary. Okay, so college is an air quotes there, sorry. So, and this is where we're gonna meet a character that will eventually be named Elizabeth.

Oh, I have her down as professor lady, the whole. Yeah, right. Oh, did she get a name? Yeah, in the third act or actually late in the second act. Cool. But yeah, so she is a legal professor and she is teaching a, this guy's a fucking lawyer. We know he's actually been judged, right? He was a judge.

He's still a judge. He hit a gavel and the legal consequences of what came out of his mouth happened. Yes, presumably more than once. So yeah, so the teacher lady is doing the darkest possible timeline version of a Thomas takes the bar question here. Right, she's teaching her little class

as she's killing the crowd work, by the way. Oh, they're eating out of her hands. Yeah, both of the students are loving this. Yeah. So this is supposed to be comedy, right? Yep. Is it? It is unbearable. I'm trying to think of a way to communicate what it's it is church improv team quits on the spot. So the coach who used the slur that caused the team to quit riffs her away for 90 minutes. Oh, um, that is a Jordan Peterson lecture on the spot. Yeah. This is the, yeah. And the audience is doing the exact same chuckle chuckle cut chuckle chuckle cut after every lie in his kitten increasingly. Come on, go, go. He couldn't get a second chuckle cut chuckle chuckle cut after every lie in his skin increasingly come again.

He couldn't get a second chuckle cut. No, the same one. The same tree gets passed by the people chuckle. Yeah. So yeah, so she's trying to tell this hypothetical bar question kind of type thing. And she says she's doing it Christmas themed. So she says, all right. So y'all are, I'm saying I'm y'all are like little reindeer. But this is what

she literally says. But without the horns because they remind me of that Satan fella. And I don't like him. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. I just love it. So reindeer's don't have horns. First of all, that's just one of the many things that are bizarre about that statement But yeah, but she goes through this incredibly long bit about how Santa gets drunk and he's in a bar fight I'm making it sound funny. Trust me. It's not yeah, right? Bransers glass and people left Yeah, right. Bransers, glass and people left. Right. There's surfers and greasers and Santa breaks a chair off and someone's ass.

Right. So are you describing Santa Cun? Cause that's like a real thing. Yeah, right. I've seen personally in New York City. Its origins are in New Jersey. Yeah. This is the seed from when it grows.

We found that. Now there you go. But seriously, this is her Thomas takes the bar exam question. Like Santa gets in a brawl at this bar, him in the reindeer. And Santa murders a greaser, right before the greaser was going to kill Rudolph the reindeer with a whiskey bottle. And the question is, is that justified murder or is that aggravated assault or simple assault or whatever? Well, yeah, right.

And as she's asking the question, Jesse, the karate kid shows up in the back of the room and he goes, uh, duck, right? That, this weird fucking moment where like he is the only one in the law class that knows the correct answer, which is that Santa, like Richard Nixon did nothing wrong. Okay. Ken Dava kill was a real judge. I know.

I don't judge. I don't think you're allowed to kill a human being to save a reindeer. No matter what. No, no, no. What are you talking about? Also, there will never be a reason for any of this to have happened. Like, none of this comes back in the, the kid is not even there in the next scene, right? He's not involved in this in any fucking way. Okay. So we cut from there to this law professional,

lady Elizabeth is now having a meeting with Jesse's mom, Abby. All right. Apparently this meeting was set up by some independent third parties such that the law professor has no idea what it's about or something. They're both confused why they're in this, you can watch them trying to work out as actors why this scene is happening. They both walk in holding like ransom notes with magazine letters on it.

All right. I was told to meet you here. So was I. All right. Talk about something. So, and what's supposed to be happening here is Elizabeth is trying to move Abby along and get her the hell out of here. She doesn't want to be part of this meeting, right? So she's about to give her the, I really think you should leave speech that ends with extending your hand to shake, but she extends her hand before she starts doing the speech. Yep. So she just stands there and does the whole you should leave speech with her hands sticking out. That is eight minutes of the movie. It was rough. She gets tired. You watch her hand drop a little and she's like, nope, nope, too obvious, too obvious. And then Abby doesn't shake her hand and she just uses it to proper self upon the desk. Uh-huh.

She fixes the hair on the desk. What are you doing? Yeah, but mom isn't buying this. Please leave bullshit. So she explains to Elizabeth the law professor that when she was a girl of 16, she went to a psychic fair. I wrote my notes, the exponential growth of this movie's insanity is terrifying. And continues. And it will keep pace to be clear. Con. Sixty eight minutes. Yes. Exponential. Noah said exponential, but literally that's true. I would say, yeah, it's not hyperbolic. If the characters in this movie had crawled through my screen, right? Unfolded their skin and Kathulu had done like a small quiz on friend season six. It would not be as crazy. Nope. It's what actually happens in this fucking film. So yeah, so she tells her she went to a psychic fair where she was 16 and the psychic told her that

someday her husband would go on a journey. That's it. And just as you're like, wow, even in the movie, the psychics are terrible. The mom, Abby says to Elizabeth, she says, that psychic was you. Well, the mom, Abby says to Elizabeth, she says, that psychic was you. Yup. And this is where Elizabeth explains, she didn't like being a psychic because her psychic powers were icky. She was always seeing dead bodies and stuff.

Yeah, so actually, I've transcribed the line where she explains this. Just so that you guys understand what kind of shit we're working our way through here. Here is Elizabeth's line and I quote, I used to help the police. They wanted me to help them find missing people. And you know what I found? I found a bunch of dead bodies.

It's all I could see and I don't want to see a bunch of dead bodies. Okay. You have no idea what it's like to see dead bodies and ergh. It's just creepy creeped me out so much that I didn't want to do it anymore. I had to quit being a psychic because I was too good. My psychic powers were too good. I got complaints.

And now that I hear you say it, it reminds me of cracking testimony. So I am sort of coming. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. They got a lot of lawyers like this, but all the lines are delivered like that. It's just this random, weird, repetitive nonsense. It's like fucking automatic writing acted out. It is as though, you know how Christopher Guest

gives them like one sentence for their characters and then says, this is what needs to happen in the scene. It's like, that's what Ken Kendall Vecchio did with these actors. Absolutely. Except he like got them from a nursing home's dementia ward. And one word was kind of tape for the whole movie. Yeah. Karate. One of them got karate. One of them got Christmas. And one of them got miracle. And one of them got a. So, okay, yeah. So, but she's like, but you're a psychic.

You have to help me figure out what happened to my husband. Here's his pocket knife. See if you can get any psychic sniff off of this, right? So, Elizabeth picks up the knife and she just yells the word karate. Like, like parkour, you know, it's just like that's a quote again. It was like, yeah. so he got kidnapped then karate and I was like Did they hear it? She says well my son is trying to get his black belt by Christmas to bring his dad back and the psychic said yeah

I know I get it that makes sense sure that might happen This movie is written by a jibbering idiot. So really anything could happen. But seriously, it's a psychic. So she's like, oh, if your son gets a black belt, dad will get rescued from the kidnapper. Yeah. Maybe, maybe that'll happen.

I'm a psychic. Yeah, right. That is too good. I haven't seen the rest of the script. Yeah. All right. So, okay. Now we're back.

O.J. and Mom are sitting down to some pizza. Jesse presents her with a bird house that she has to paint. It's on his insanity list. You see. Yeah. Also, they keep their canned goods in the living room, which is the most scary thing about this thing. In one of those restaurant racks for dry storage, very clearly.

Yeah, uh huh, yeah. Very clearly, Kendall Vecchio at some point, like, hit a sale on green beans and came home with 144 cans. And his wife was like, Kenny, where are we going to put those? And he was like, right here in the living room. I also bought a dry storage for a entire room for a drink. I was going out of business and these things are dirty. We can offer them to people as they store their shoes underneath it. drive storage. Yeah, I had a room for a truck. I was going out of business and these things are dirty.

We can offer them to people as they store their shoes underneath it. Would you care for some green beans, Eric Roberts? Yeah. So, yeah, speaking of which, we cut to another Eric Roberts nightmare where he's explaining how he's going to give people nightmares. Oh, God. Sorry. Just complete tangent, but it just occurred to me that another nightmare

at Kendall Vecchio's house in real reality. There are dinner parties that have Eric Roberts, Robert Loja, and we're about to find Martin Cove in this movie too. Kendall Vecchio's friends with all those people. Martin Cove is the Cobra Kai guy. He's John Creece. Yep. The Cobra Kai Dojo. I don, he's, yeah, the Cobra

Kai dojo. I don't think he's like, cause like, when these guys appear in his movies, they're always like sitting behind a desk with none of the other characters in the movie, using like a type of camera that the rest of the movie doesn't use and shit like that. So like, I don't think he's ever actually met. Like, there's, there's something that's one step up from cameo and that's what he's doing. Do you think Ken Dovechio got those three people off of weird charges in New Jersey? Yeah. I feel like our job is about closure and Martin Cove did some weird evil shit. All three of them separately in Jersey.

Those three men scream, D.Y. on the New Jersey highway and absolutely. All right. And yelled at the cops about who started the wars. Yeah. It's all coming to go. See, we didn't think this movie made sense, but we're solving a mystery anyway. Right. So, okay.

So the kid wakes up from his nightmare and they run the kid rolling around yelling for his mom way too long on the spit. Yep. But he wakes up and he says, I saw a dad in my dreams. He was making some convoluted argument about the constitutionality of guns. At a theater, again, we're going to find this out later on Christmas day. Where there was a mass shooting, which you got to admit is pretty funny, right? When you show up to be like, oh no, let me tell you the thing about guns.

Okay. All right. You got me. That is kind of funny. We are hard selling Joker's wild. That episode is going to come up. I'm sure. So yeah.

So mom's like, honey, your dad's not going to come back to life. That would be a terrible plot for a movie to which Jesse Jesse's like, well then how do you explain my dreams? That's his real question. Yup. And his mom is like, you know what, you got me. Yeah. Exactly right. By the way, I think we've pointed this out already.

This is Kendall Vecchio's actual son, the giant baby of Delvequeo fame. Oh, that's right. This is the, this child is the giant baby. You're right. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's had quite a cinematic career here on God off set for faster. Which performance do you think was more pivotal? Karate Christmas musical or giant baby in the life zone?

I think giant baby in the life zone. I think giant baby in the life zone obviously. Yeah. All right. So then we cut to mom on the phone having a weird, incredibly long, bafflingly incorrect conversation about gravy. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'm a vegan, so it's been a while, but I was like I don't think Kendall Vecchio has seen people food in a couple of decades Because it's definitely alien in its first body trying to describe gravy There's so much which she's talking about how you where you put gravy and where you don't apparently she's supposed to be like Talking to big gravy about their new ad campaign or something. But yeah, she keeps saying she's like, oh, no, no, no, people put gravy on everything. Milk shakes hamburgers, you know, name it. She says you can put gravy on chicken. Do you put gravy on chicken?

I guess you could, maybe on fried chicken, like a chicken fried. Yeah, like a Southern fried chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. I guess you could put that white gravy on that. Sure. I guess you can put gravy on gravy. Gravy on that. Sure. I guess you can put gravy on whatever you want. They have to let my experience.

Actually, there are a number of things they won't. They do not have to let you put gravy on. We don't need to adjudicate this on the air. You and that Chuckie cheese are coming to a mutual settlement online. I wanted a malted with OJU. So I asked for it and I'm they have it in the back. I know you have it and and you have a French dip. That you wanted a malted with Oju. So I asked for it and they have it in the back. I know you have it and you have a French dip that you have a mall. That rat put his hands on you first.

So everything you did. Exactly. Afterwards is legal. Much like Santa and the way the office at this point. My notes are literally just, hey, guys, I think I might not speak English anymore. Yeah, but she wraps up her gravy conversation. This only exists in the script, by the way, because we have to establish that she's just always working, right? Yeah.

That's how we do that. We do it like 11 times with her. So, but she wraps up that conversation. And she's sitting around with the old neighbor who is now about to graduate from graduate school. Normally, we would just refer to that as the degree she was about to get, but fine, she's about to graduate from graduate school and is babysitting on holiday break. Imagine how bad the attempt for Ken Delvequeo to write what graduating from graduate school

is like had to go for them to settle on this. This is the time. He must have gone to law school, right? Yes. Did he? I don't think it's possible. I think we're going to find somewhere in New Jersey law that like if you eat of the big pizza at Jimmy John, jigglypuff, in Hobo, smashing the bar. You're a judge. Him and Vinnie Bagadona. So yeah, so her and the fucking PhD babysitter, whatever, gonna, gonna have this weird-ass conversation that includes the line, you know, ever since his dad meant missing.

No, second. One second. This guy. That's a second. Fucking brando. Yeah, the baby said just like, well, how is your son handling his, you know, the disappearance of his dad? And she's like, Oh, he's doing great.

He thinks that if he gets a black belt by Christmas, his dad will come back to life. Yep. And he has psychic dreams. Yes, right. Yeah. And this graduate student in child psychologist, like, yeah, I've studied that. That's basic child psychology. Yeah.

You get a black belt, that's anti-kid and epic magic. Kids do that all the time. Classic. And then this child psychology graduate student says, oh, so yeah, I mean, that's tough. What did your grief counselor say is a good idea for, you know, talking to your son about this? And the mom is like, he said, hat.

You know, fucking therapy. No, and for the rest of the movie, I was like, oh, wow, this is like the literal worst. This is such bad parenting, terrible parenting. Yeah, and it was funny as the whole movie is kind of about the fact that she's a bad mom, but not for failing to get him proper like therapy or counseling at this point for constantly being on her gravy conversations for being gainfully employed by the gravy industry.

Yeah, failing to appreciate Ken Delvecki. What mostly that last year, yeah, well, right, and how awesome his karate skills. And this scene literally ends in a line that is so fucking funny. I, I always say like, oh, I, I literally had to pause the movie to laugh at it. They finished, they're like, oh, yeah, no, we didn't get in therapy. And then the final line of the scene before the cut is, yes, does he have any dietary restrictions? Cut. before the cut is, does he have any dietary restrictions? Cut. All right, well, I'll tell you what, I feel like the audience as well as us

are still kind of coming to grips with the knowledge that weird for Kendall Vecchio is apparently a thing. So we're gonna pause for a quick break, but we'll be back in a flash with even more of a karate Christmas miracle. None of those things. Okay, now tell him to set the food down. A karate Christmas miracle. None of those things. Okay, now tell him to set the food down. Set the food down and step back with your hands over the malls.

Hey, guys, what you doing? Why are you pointing a sniper rifle at the pizza delivery guy? Uh, it's a little thing called caution, Noah. Maybe you've heard of it. Yeah, how else are we supposed to get food? And do not say vent-based heist, because we already had that argument many times. I mean, if you guys are looking for a safe way to have food and do not say vent-based heist because we already had that argument many times I mean if you guys are looking for a safe way to have food and essentials delivered Why not just try postmates? What's

Postmates with postmates I get all my favorite food from the local restaurants in my neighborhood delivered No leaving the house and even better no getting in the car and finding a parking space and postmates is an all just burritos and sushi I can order things like toothpaste and phone chargers on demand too. That's because places like Walgreens and 7-Eleven are also on postmates. Wow, that sounds convenient and safe. It is. And my favorite part is that the app lets me know that my food or item has been delivered. Everything is right outside my door. It's so cool. It never gets old.

Okay, so you're saying just no need for a sniper rifle at all? Just in general, but yeah, specifically here. And for a limited time, postmates has given our listeners a little sum. New customers are going to get $20 of your first order of $30 or more when they use the code awful. That's code awful to get $20 off your first order of $30 or more. Just download the Postmates app or sign up online. It's super easy. Office of your detention taxes and fees apply off of ballot for 30 days after you add the promo code to your account. All right, now we're in. Thanks, Postmates. Postmates. Okay, so

so what do you say you want to you want to let the pizza guy go? Make him do the mockery in a first, but then yes. Do the mockery. No. Like he means it. Make him do it like he means it. Like you mean it, come on Greg. Hey podcast listener, you know, if we've learned anything from the films of Kendo Vacuettes that there needs to be a more robust betting process for municipal judges, but if we learned anything else from the movies of Kendo Vacuettes that movies are an excellent way to send passive aggressive messages to your spouse. So without further ado.

This summer, an all new passive aggressive triple feature. Oh, hello, darling wife. I've made you a hot cup of coffee because I love you. Now if you'll just wait the one second, it takes me to put it down on the table in front of you. No, can't wait, I must have that coffee right now. Oh no, you've spilled the coffee I was handing you, and now I've burned to death. The guy who burned a death, because his wife wouldn't wait for him to just hand her the coffee.

And don't miss. Well, that knife is way sharper than you need one to just cut tomatoes. What's that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me leaving the handle on this pot of boiling water turned towards the room instead of turning it sideways towards the counter. Oh, I'd be safer. I'm sorry, shouldn't you curl your fingers? Oh, God, you've slipped and cut off my head. The guy who was decapitated by his wife's failure to follow basic safety practices in the kitchen. And last last but not least.

Okay, did you guys do cricket sounds for me? Cause I'm not married. What? No, we never do that. You guys totally do cricket sounds, nothing happened. He will die alone. What? Nothing.

No, it's an air conditioner. Ha ha ha ha. Delivery people. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna open up with a babysitter watching Chessie at karate practice.

It's not karate again. They're just a roller on the ground. Yeah. And also, Ken Doveque son, this actor Mario Dovequeau, allegedly had a blue belt in Karate or something in like in real life when this movie was made. A blue belt.

I mean, yeah, right. You like, you can get any belt you want, whatever you want. Yeah, you just ordered from Amazon. Like, you, again, Eli has a black belt in second grade. Yeah, I say this later in my notes, but like, are you allowed to forbid your kid from doing a sport because it's douchey? Because I am not, look, my parents did a great job of keeping a straight face while I was given a series of belts.

I am not going to be able to do that. My beautiful boy is not going to run up to me and be like, I'm a brown belt and I'm not gonna, I'm gonna be like, okay, you're a pro. Oh no, I'm a brown belt, I'm wearing it. So don't send your kid to fight class. That's just maybe a good idea to not. So, I don't know, I still haven't forgiven my mom for bidding me from going to fight class.

So, hey, you know who it's probably a better idea that they never learned deadly martial arts. Well, that was certainly my mom's reasoning. But most children is the answer to that. I would say probably D and D beyond would be dead right now. No, no, no, it's it would be dead. All right. So meanwhile, mom is on the phone talking up Apple sauce, right? Oh, I'm just still confused about what her job is. She says Apple sauces, the new Jell-O. So now she's talking to people from both industries, or one, I don't know what marketing is.

Yeah. I just really wanted to watch her try and make an Apple sauce mold, and she turns the thing over and opens. Oh, it's everywhere. Oh, it's everywhere. Oh, it's not the new challenge. She says, you can get apple sauce with maple syrup. I don't think you can. Yeah, you can, they have to let you.

They have to let you. Yeah. And oh, you, savory sweet. But then she gets a call from her dead husband's foe. The extent to which this will not factor into the plot is staggering. Well, it's actually very important, Noah, because it's going to give Kendall Vecchio a chance to brag about the three Wednesdays.

He volunteered at a local soup kitchen. Yeah. Right. Okay. So, but then we transitioned from advancing the kidnapping murder plot to the college where Elizabeth teaches with cartoon dog is just settling in for some fishing music. Hey, you remember that Santa metaphor that went on for 17 minutes and ended in the wrong thing? Well, that was just too good for one. that she's gonna do a second one about the Grinch Wanting to be a prison fuck buddy or something

How can he turn himself in? Yep. Yeah, and this goes on for like I'm gonna say conservatively three minutes before she suddenly has a psychic vision about the knife There's also a reverse shot here where we realized that there is literally only one girl in her class. Yeah, no, this is not like the punchline to a joke. No, right? Like she says, you know what class? I'm gonna I have just had a psychic vision about this knife. I'm gonna need to move on and do some plot stuff and we cut to the Clash shot and there's just one person there. There's They have maybe he thought that was just funny all on its own, even if there was no reason for that to be happening. But I think they just had the one student

for that shot. And they're like, yeah, fuck it. That'll work. Yeah. Very clearly in between the two shots between this and the other Christmas story, two people walked out and were like, oh, sorry, you said you could get me out of those parking tickets, Mr. Delveque. I'm just just gonna pay him. I don't want to end up like Eric Roberts. Yeah, but she's had a psyched vision, so she can advance the plot now. Then we head over to a diner slash soup kitchen where mom is gonna follow up on the phone call she just got. Yeah, and she's a giant asshole right away. Are they just trying to make her out to be terrible because she has a job?

Is that what they're going for here? Yes. Because she shows up and she's like, I'd like to eat at your rent. Oh, this is a restaurant that's just giving out food to poor people. I'm not here to help. She's not the people. Hey, let's fill some time food to poor people. I'm not gross here to help. She's not the people. Hey, let's fill some time with having this argument. If you shop looking for someone and they're like,

oh no, we're a soup kitchen right now. Here's a spoon. And be like, no, no, no, I'm here looking for it somewhere. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. But the food is. And if you're wearing a soup kitchen doesn't contractually obligate you to volunteer.

Right. Yeah, exactly. I mean, though, like you do a ladle or two, I don't know, just talk about, that my new prank was, I'm just gonna lure you into various volunteer buildings now. Well, but so, okay, and then the thing is, it's not like there's anything for her to do.

They have two homeless people who apparently showed up straight from the fucking salon. Right? But then she turns to the guy behind the counter and the weirdest conversation in all of human history takes place. This sucks so much. This sucks so fucking much.

She's like, are you Jay? And he's like, do I look like Jay? Because Jay is a letter of the alphabet or a bird. Am I a bird? This goes on for quite something. That's literally what he says. Yeah. Right.

And again, Ken Dovechio is certain that this is some funny shit. And so he really leans into it and it's just this weird, bizarre guys. Are you just making me watch this as a prank type moment? Yep. Is this really something that Eli secretly wrote and forced upon me? Ken is my next door neighbor and I was like, Ken, Ken, you got to hear me out, man. We've done two of your movies. You put a third one on two, but I will give you 11 dollars.

Yeah, no, as he's explaining that he's not a bird and therefore is not Jay. And then he says, no, I'm kidding. Jay is actually in the back and he is not Jay. And then he says, no, I'm kidding. Jay is actually in the back and he is my boss. This is how I apparently respond when people come in looking for my boss. I wrote this movie is the weirdest fucking thing that's ever happened to me. And I've done drugs. Yup. Yup. Because what's happening there is a woman is like, yes. So my husband was possibly killed or kidnapped during the Aurora mass shooting, just to be clear, I got a phone call from here from somebody named Jay. And this guy's like, fuck you, Jay's a bird.

I don't know what's happening. Yeah. No, it's just pranking you victim of the mass shooting. It's cool. So I just do this really long form seven sentence bit with everyone who asks about someone who I can only assume gets asked about on a regular basis. See, is he the owner of the business?

Yep. Yeah. Your husband's a crisis actor. Ah, no, I'm just fucking, no, no, no, Jason the back. I know that Jason named him. So yeah, but so Jay comes out and explains that Bob, her husband, Bob Genesis, used to do free legal work for their homeless shelter soup kitchen diner.

Yep. And sometimes he would also serve the soup. It made all soups sometimes unlike you. Again, the only purpose of this is for Ken to be like, and don't forget I did that free legal work for that soup kitchen. We got to work that into the movie. Yep. About how little you appreciate me. My actual wife who stars in this actual movie.

That's not his actual wife, is it? Didn't you just print something out from legal zoom? Yeah, well, I'm a lawyer though. So that's like an eye printed it illegally. I am 48% sure this is his actual wife. I don't think that's his actual wife. I'm basically that entirely on the fact that she's gorgeous, but.

She's not an actor. So like somebody he knows. No, but nobody has, they're so they're all his wife. Maybe, maybe they're either his wife or they did something evil in Jersey and put it on the roadside. They're his wife, they did something evil in Jersey and put it on the road. There is wife, there is son, there are a crazy person. He got from a dementia ward. They're angry.

They committed a hate crime in Jersey. Yeah. Okay. All right. No, that's fair. That's fair. I'm guessing she committed a hate crime, but I can be proven wrong. So just as she's like, wow, this doesn't really factor into the plot at all.

Does it? She gets a call from the psychic who has some information for her about the knife. She doesn't actually have, but that's just what she says in that moment. Yeah, none of it. But before we can move on to that, we have to have this insane fucking moment where Jesse starts explaining what the various belt colors mean to his babysitter. This is pretty funny. This I left really fucking hard at this part.

I did not. I stopped watching. Yeah. Okay. Cause he's like, white's the seed, the seed of the grate yellow. It's the sun. And I was like, nope, nope, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like, nope, not listening to it. No, absolutely not. But it's so good, listen, listen. Okay, so first of all, why does the seed light come? Yep, sperm reference. Yellow is the sunlight. Orange also sunsets. This is more of this sunnier green. All the colors are from the visible lights, but God damn it, just go.

Yeah, green is also the sunlight. Yeah. Green, the light's coming from. It's all light. It's all sun. Green is the growth also the sunlight. Yeah. Green. Green the light's coming from. It's all light. No, it's all sun. Green is the growth of the seed. Blue is the blue sky. Sky, yeah.

Also more sunlight. Purple. Sunset. Also sunlight. Mars. And then the baby sitter is like, oh, really? What comes after purple?

And he's like, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. So we cut over to the psychic lady who's explaining the rest of the belts. Yes. And guess what? The red belt I wrote my notes if the brown belt represents the sunlight. I'm out of here. The brown is just some other shit, huh? Is the brightening of the seed and black is greatness and profound knowledge. Sunlight. I should, that's lack of sunlight if you could believe that.

Yeah. So at this point, I just wrote my notes, the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland would be confused. The caterpillar could have seen the prequel and would still be like, what? I don't think that I don't think anything about the prequel helps us. But yes, so and this is all happening by the way at the karate dojo where the kid was earlier. There's like a women's self defense class going on in the background. And so Abby says, hey, why are you explaining to me the mystical meaning of

karate belts at a women's self defense class? She's like, oh, oh, it's because your husband used to teach at this class. He used to teach self defense to women at this class. If Kendall Vecchio taught a self-defense class for women, I am terrified. Okay. Well, you should be terrified because he certainly is talking about something he believes he's done in real life. That's the thing. Everything in this movie is a brag about Kendall Vecchio, which means some poor woman was like, oh, you know what, my neighborhood's a little bit sketchy at night.

I think I'm going to go take a self-defense class. And the person who she listened to for a non-zero amount of seconds was Kenneth the life zone Delveque. A multiple people walked into a dojo where Kenneth Delveque was like holding a pocket knife, being like, Kanate, Kanate, doing a kata.

Right. And they joined his goddamn class, which means that we could probably send Anna and or Lucinda undercover to get them like to beat the shit out of Ketal. Right. Right. And they'll make you go with the pocket. Exactly.

And they could say, well, he said, come out and with the knife. These are great ideas.'s a great ideas. He's a great ideas. But we have to do it in front of his son. So he has something to avenge when he fights. All right. By the way, this scene ends with the psychic lady being like, by the way, Abby, one other thing you don't know about your amazing husband who ladles soup for poor people and helps soup kitchens with legal

Zoom. He was a black belt. You didn't know that like Eli Bosnick Such an obvious lie literally Zero wives are not aware about their husband's black belt. They talk about every goddamn day and wear over suits sometimes and display on the ship. Yeah. In the house. Well, and zero acquaintances of Kendall Vecchio are not aware of his black belt. You says the phrase black belt minimum five times a day in his entire adult life.

No, if it's not on his business card. I will eat it black belt lawyer admittable. Oh, I'm buying black belt lawyer.com and I'm directing it to Candle, Mac you didn't wear a black belt over his judge robes. There's no way that's not something that's happened in real. You know he was mad that people couldn't see it. He was like stupid black. That's what I was like. Wait, let's affect if I'm gonna get white robes. Yes, I think. He shows up in white robes wearing a black rob.

Are you wearing a judge's key? Where else? You guys should go see my movie black belt. You guys should go see my movie. Hey, I think the law is broken and maybe we shouldn't have them anymore. Is your gavel a ladle? Yeah, well, I actually work at a soup kitchen sometimes. You should see my movie, Eric Roberts. It's pretty odd. I'm not a judge anymore. Damn it. All right, so and then we we cut over to another one of the Eric Roberts nightmares. This is where

Martin Cove shows up midnight. Yeah. John crease. This is amazing. Somehow he knows this guy. Or he hired a man, fucking cameo plus or whatever. Yeah. So but what's going on here, and I guess this is, I guess the plot of the other movie is that right before the big theater shooting, Martin Cove, the owner of this theater gave the theater to his daughter whose name is Aurora Palace and then the theater got shot up right after that. So this is the scene from that movie where that happened. There's also a great thing that happens here because we cut between that and him putting

on a mask, right? Like he puts on a mask as part of this, but you can't hear him through the mask. So he's like, Aurora, I've always loved you. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Usually they do this voiceover. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Is the voiceover happening? Yeah, you're gonna ADR this, right? So it's not just me. I'm more than, I don't look like an asshole here. Yeah, and then a series of fucking 80s adult leaders of kids superhero teams add some shit to the dream about how Jesse can't talk until Christmas now. Yeah, I feel like that was a punishment with way through the movie. Like Jesse did two scenes and his dad was like, all right, you, you're not good enough

for a Ken Delecchio movie. I'm gonna need you to be silent for the rest of the movie. Right, yeah, exactly. So yeah, so he wakes up and he explains this nightmare scene to his babysitter now. Yup. And then proceeds to do bad setups in his bed. Yeah, exactly.

Right, right, yeah. From this point on, every time we see him, he'll be doing his kata's or he'll be doing cheap ass pushups where you really are just pushing your butt up. Yeah. Yeah. He does fuck a couch cleaner. He does. He does. If your butt goes from low to high, that's a pushup. That's how it's measured. Everybody knows that. All right. So you are definitely qualified to fight this. I passed the AAU physical fitness test. Yeah, they.

I said yes. Bukh Rower, right? Yeah. All right, so yes, so he's doing sit-ups. He's got to get ripped. And then mom goes to see the psychic lady at a bar, right? Right. And she's like lamenting just so that we could hear this more.

She's like, man, my amazing husband, Ken Delvibob, Genesis. Hey, he's so great. I mean, ladling, soup, and again, black belt in karate. He has a black belt. How could I not know about that? And the psychically, it's like, yeah, well, you've brought, I don't know, he'd start talking about karate. You'd black out from hatred and boredom. That's just my guess. So it's on every person I ever met who said black belt out loud. This is where the psychic gives his wife the talking to that he always wants to. It's like, yes, you don't know. You had your dream wedding to Ken Delvequio and your dream honeymoon to Ken Delvequio.

Right. Well, yeah. So the whole point of this scene is that psychic chewing her out for being a spoiled little rich kid. You know, it's like, well, you know, you had all the advantages in the world, but you didn't earn your way up from the bottom. Like Ken Del Vecchio never forgot his roots. He's so cool.

Meanwhile, you went to Yale and studied at the fancy Gravian applesauce department at Yale University. Fancy. I wrote my notes at this point. that the fancy gravy and applesauce department at the Yale University, fancy. I wrote my notes at this point, like, man, this is some, we made a bot watch 1,000 hours of Christmas movie, it's time to script that. That's a year. Yeah, Ken Dovechio is very much a poor AI of a human being.

Yeah, he's just missing the A and the I, yeah. And then, okay, So then the psychic lady has a vision of Jesse's nightmares. Right. She says, I'm having the same visions as Jesse and I'm like, are you watching the movie? How else would you know that? But this is where she tells her that Bob was there talking about gun rights, something the movie forgot and already told us. But the reason why they got away from the mass shooting and this is why I'm so excited to watch Joker's wild is I guess the night she took over the theater was a classic guys dressed like clowns and women dress like

other things. Yep. That was a Christmas event of this theater. Just, you know, your normal Christmas theater. We showed a movie, had an NRA lecture and evil clown party. Evil clown party. Yeah. Turn into a mass shooting. Well, again, imagine watching the sequel to the life zone when they get to the part where like, they have to explain the ending where they were all in hell. Right? Imagine that that's what we're

going through right now. You know, is that whole like, oh yeah, and then there was an evil clown party. Right? Evil clown party. Yeah, we knew that was like, so okay. So meanwhile, since we just had a vision of the Eric Roberts nightmare monologue, we then switch over to Jesse having that nightmare again. Yep. I'm having the same nightmare as this psychic because having a vision.

Yeah, I'm having a nightmare about a psychic psychic having a vision about the nightmare I had earlier. But the baby sitter wakes him up and she's like, what's wrong? And he hands her the my best worst, the newspaper clippings again. Because the code of silence. All right, yeah, he's not allowed to talk now. So he can't talk, but he can communicate. He can like charades it, which is weird. That's a weird rule from your prophetic dream that you're following. So, but then Abby gets home from the bar. She's all drunk as

hell. And she wants to have the was I a bad wife? Do I even deserve Kendall, Vecchio conversation with the babysitter? Wow. Well, your bad mom. I mean, look, the only way to get someone to say, I never appreciated Ken Delvechio when I had him is to write it in the script and pay them. Yeah, right, right, exactly. I get it. This is just the second level of like finding someone with a relatively inexpensive customs tab on their many fits. Maybe that's where he found Eric Roberts many vids. Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. So yeah, so but but checking. There. So yeah, but they have this drunken conversation about how she was never good enough for her husband and damage. She wants him back for Christmas. And I wrote my notes at that point. I'm like, Eli and a shovel can make you regret wishing for that lady, but that's where we're

going at all. This is also where I wrote my notes. Wow, she's as bad at crying as she isn't drunk. Oh my God. Right. Like this, this is like children faking drunk who've never done it before. Yeah. My toddler has a new thing now where when he's done crying, he goes like, ah, ah,

for two to four seconds afterward. He is better equipped to be in this movie and kind of echoes why. So okay, then we cut to the mushrooms kicking in. Right. So this is again, this is shit from the previous movie or maybe a scene that wasn't used in the previous movie and makes zero fucking sense in context. But the kid within his dream is going to call Martin Cove on the phone and have a conversation where no sentence is related to any other sentence or anything that's

happened in this movie. Yeah, I hear in my notes in order. Did I fall asleep? You know what? Fuck you two movie. If you guys can tell me what this scene means, I'll eat my own dick. Did this actually happen in the universe of the movie? This phone call between Cobra Kai and Jesse the kid. No, this is supposed to be part of his dream

nightmare prophetic vision, thank. So he has a prophetic vision of talking to a karate person he doesn't know. Yes. Okay, so, Martin Cove the actor is playing the dad of Aurora Palace. Yes. So, took over the theater.

He used to own the theater. He is also in this universe, a karate sensei. I don't know. This is a moment where we actually do have to go back and watch Joker's Pulitzer guys. Guys, guys, why don't we just stop the review right here and watch Joker's while you come back? A little quick 90 minute thing. Come back zero votes. It's it does only like 67 minutes long. It's a super short.

Yeah. But yeah, they they we just have this weird random mass conversation. Again, like we're watching people act out of random words generator. And then it's over. Yep. So we cut to mom going to work. Her work by the way has the same color walls as her living room.

So weird. And again, she has that same framed head shot of Kendall Becky, that she carries with her. Yep. Same tree moving by in her way. Exactly. So yeah, so they're about to do the big apple sauce meeting, but just before she goes to the meeting,

psychic lady shows up and explains that she had another vision. Okay. Did she though? No. Okay. Are you gonna understand why I was confused? Right, because she says that, but no. Well, and everything about this is so bad shit

and saying she says, look, I get it, that's great and everything. I'm at work right now and I have a meeting and she's like, no, you have to come with me right now. No, she doesn't. This is a thing that could have waited until she was done working. Absolutely.

She has a goddamn applesauce meeting right now. Are you serious? Right, this is, that's the new Jello. The applesauce bonus is riding on this. Exactly. So Abby explains that her visions can go fuck themselves. And she says, no, my vision was of your husband. And she's like, right, why else would you be here? This is also where she gets a name.

Abby says, look, Elizabeth. And she says, you call me Elizabeth. That means we're getting closer. And wait, no, no, it just means we're getting closer. And we know, no, it just means that I have a name to write in the notes. I'm in the psychic lady. I know I can find and replace psychic lady. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so, but she's, so she wanders off to do the apple. So like in this kind of like Kendovechio needed to win a bet about whether or not he could shoot a walk-and-talk type thing.

Okay. This does result in one of the most baffling lines of the movie, though. Does it? She presses the elevator button. It doesn't instantly open. And she says, where are those stairs when you need them? They're in between the floors. Same place. They are the rest of the time.

This implies that sometimes she pushes an elevator button and it opens up and there are stairs there. So what finally like psychic lady stops her tracks And she says, I saw my fiance die. That's why I quit my psychic king. And we're like, that's not relevant to the conversation in any way. It's so good. She's doing her like, big dramatic monologue. She's like, I saw my fiance die.

So I gave him up. I broke up with him, even though it broke my heart to do it. And Ken DeVecchio's wife is like, didn't it work? Did he not die? And she's like, oh, I have no idea. No, I know. I know. I'm going to. I don't know. Maybe I'm a psychic literally. And then the movie tries to go for an analogy. At this point, she says, look, you've got to come with me. That's the entire plot. Apple sauce has nothing to do with it. She's like, oh, I'm not sure she says, look, maybe I'm the three ghosts to your scrooge.

Okay. Yesterday I was the ghost of Christmas past. Today I'm the ghost of Christmas present. I'm just writing down what the movie says and of analogy. down what the movie says and of analogy. Candle Vecchio was a judge. There's someone who is maybe in jail because of Candle Vecchio's thoughts and decisions. So I think I and honestly I went about this trick. I came at this from nine different directions. I think the only way that analogy works

is that yesterday was the past and today is now. Is the bridge. Shit, now it's the past, too. Fuck. I'm like an infinite number of ghosts, if you think about it. Can you tell me what I'm gonna say next so I can be the ghosted Christmas present?

All right, well, I feel like this movie just tripped over as an allergy and we need to call somebody. So we're gonna pause for another break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will the karate belts they ordered on Amazon arrive in time? Where are where has the fish gone? Who is the walrus? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the quintessentially bat shit conclusion of a karate Christmas miracle. Hey podcast listener, well, you did it.

You made it past Christmas and you didn't forget to get anyone a gift. Did you? Oh no, Uncle Murray, I forgot Uncle Murray. Oh, well, that's okay. Heath, maybe you could just send him a card or something. Nah, you like, Uncle Murray is super classy. I need a gift for a discerning taste.

Can't just do a card. Mm, well, why not a wine from the prisoner wines? Oh, okay. Good thinking, I guess. I'll stop up the toilet and you get the grape juice. No, silly, not prison wine. The prisoner wines, like the TV show. Oh, what's the prisoner wines?

New Year first point. Cam it all. Noah, start the sheet, please. Maybe you guys could just not do that this year. Absolutely. I would rather die. We are doing this. Okay, fine, fine, make it a spreadsheet.

The prisoner wine company insists on doing things differently, like 20 years ago, when they decided to combine some of California's best and most unusual grape varieties to make a bold and complex blend, aka their namesake wine, the prisoner red blend, from the shape and way to the bottle to the label featuring Francisco Goya's artwork, every detail is striking and memorable. Actually, now that you mention it, they sent me a bottle when they first became a sponsor, and it was delicious. Would you describe it as smooth and rich yet approachable? Yet approachable. Yeah, just like Uncle Murray.

So yeah, I'm in. Where do I get some? Go to theprisonerwine.com slash awful for 20% off plus shipping included on your first purchase. This is the best deal they have available. Get 20% off plus shipping included at thepr at the prisoner wine.com slash awful. That's the prisoner wine.com slash awful. Off of ballot on first time online orders for US residents of legal drinking age through

1231, 2021. All their exclusions may apply. Please enjoy wines responsibly. All right. Good stuff. So you want to go make sure and know it's making the spreadsheet, right? I absolutely do. I'm doing it fine. You shade the columns weird. You do. It just looks prettier. And now back to the useless psychic. So tell me useless psychic. Do you know where my husband is? Right. Yeah.

Shit. Well, he could be here or there or maybe not. I honestly could use a drink. Will you drink with me? Shit, well he could be here or there or maybe not Honestly could use a drink will you drink with me? I mean you called me right? Guys guys, what's up? No, we're doing it. It's sketch. It's psych though. The sketch is just it's just a show psych Ah damn it. It is psych. Yeah, sorry. I like psych. It's fine. And we're back for more of this shit for some reason. We could have left, but we didn't. Anyway, we're going to rejoin. Happy and Elizabeth.

They're now at the college because there's only so many places he's allowed to film where Elizabeth had her psychic vision of Bob. And hey, let me spare everyone the time and effort that it took me to figure out what the fuck this scene is about. Kendall Vecchio is just getting sadder and sadder in his attempts to brag, right? We went from soup kitchen to karate black belt. This whole, the point of this entire scene is, I don't know if you know this, but Kendall Vecchio has his name on a gazebo at the Catholic college Yes, four minutes from where he lives. Yep, and he has a sweet leather jacket that we're gonna show well right?

Yeah exactly exactly Yeah, she had a psychic vision of Bob at this gazebo and then Abby looks and she sees the dedication on the gazebo is to Bob because he paid For it or something. And this way you have to be like, okay, have you ever met your husband? Right? Like so he, she didn't know he was a black belt, didn't know he volunteered at the homeless shelter, didn't know he taught women self-defense, didn't know he built a gazebo. Like, what did she know? He was too busy giving her mind shattering orgasms. He was too busy giving her mind shattering orgasms must

They didn't get around to the small talk must must be and I have a theory about the end of this scene. I have a theory Okay, I think this actress the one who plays psychic lady Elizabeth literally got cold the one who plays psychic lady Elizabeth literally got cold. Because the end of this scene is just her being like, I'm fucking cold. Let's talk about the rest of this thing in the car. I'm cold. That's absolutely right. No question. Rick, because there's no goddamn reason in the world for the scene to move over to the

car. Right. They just get in the car and they're like, what were we just talking about? Yeah. All right. Let's finish that conversation that we were having we literally watch them do the don't pull the handle on unlock the car thing yep walk to i think that was supposed to be comic relief but i'm honestly just

guessing based on the musical cue all but yes to get the car and elizabeth says your husband definitely wanted you to see that he made a gazebo Pretty sure that's the whole C Yeah, and then that we get the jack joke. Oh, God It's I feel like Kendall Vecchio has never gotten a joke at any point in his life He just kind of with other people laugh. He starts laughing and so he's like this is like the equivalent of sounding out a language

other people laugh, he starts laughing. And so he's like, this is like the equivalent of sounding out a language phonetically. Yes. But with humor, he's sounding out jokes phonetically. That is a perfect, yeah, it makes perfect sense. Yeah, the psychic is like, and don't call me Jack. Surely, just joking.

What? Like, I think that's what they were trying to do. Yeah, she says, don't call me Jack. It's like Jack and the beanstalk. Yeah, and I don't like fairy tales. They're creepy. Surely temple, temple of doom nailed it. What?

All right. So then we cut to little mini delvequeo showing off his sweet kicks. Oh, this is great. Cause he's like karate, karate. but then he's curating his couch and look, I think we can all say as once teenage boys, we have all karate the fuck out of a couch in our day. So, okay, first of all, I have to point out, they are unable to put two consecutive kicks together without a cut during this karate practice thing. Don't you worry about that Mario.

I also couldn't do consecutive kicks. So yes, there's that. And then when we say karate and on a couch, like, so I don't want you to think of him. In the couch, right? Exactly. He's laying on the couch, kicking the back of it in a way that looks like a dog trying to fuck your life. Master Botte.

Yeah. Hahaha. Hahaha. So, okay. So Mom is painting the bird house now that her son made this circle. That was on the list, apparently, of things that had to be done by Christmas to bring dad back, paint a birdhouse. But here's what's so amazing about the birdhouse.

She's like, honey, I finished the birdhouse. He's not allowed to talk because of his psychic vision earlier. So Mario Del Vichio's job in this scene was to act happy. That was the acting challenge. And he managed, got punched in the face by a unicorn that just told me about the atomic table of element. I mean, that's a choice, right? I did not realize that's what he was, I didn't realize he was going for happy, to be honest with you. I thought slightly annoyed was what he

was aiming for. But I mean, if a unicorn punched you after showing you the elements, you'd be like a little bit annoyed, but a little bit like, oh, oh, yeah, no, I think Eli next to the description. His attempt to smile is, if you imagine that some kind of mythical beast emptied out his skin and then like imposter bugs filled his body and they were trying to work the smile muscles for the first time. That's how this smile goes. Like, you know how a deer learns to walk.

He was learning the smile. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And he's, he's now on to red belt. So apparently they're decorating their Christmas tree with all the belts he passes through as he passes through them. It looks so bad. It looks so great. It's so dumb. You can tell that Kendall Beckett was like, and then they'll be all on the tree. And it's just like, shit. That looks terrible. It's really bad, but we're committed to it now.

So okay. So Abby heads to work again. And this, she's going, the movie seems to realize only vaguely that there are consequences for just leaving your job right before the big apple sauce meet it. Obviously. And she treats this like, she's getting shoot out by her boss.

She's treating it like she's just lost all her PlayStation privileges or something, right? Go? Yeah, a lot of go. I was busy with my psychic friend in the car, which needed a warm up. There was an important gazebo reveal. I wasn't appreciating my husband's gazebo charity. And this is this is a great line from this scene where she's like a she this scene is supposed to be her realizing again some more that life is passed her by because of her job and she says have you ever felt like you missed something and I wanted him to be like no. Not once. I don't do that emotion no, but instead he's like like what and of course what he would really would have said was you mean like the fucking applesauce me supposed to be yesterday

But yeah, and then she's like yeah, well, you know, I mean, I'm sorry if I'm not like doing I'm not like at top form at work But you do know that my husband died in a mass shooting right and he's like come on those last fucking year Oh, are you still into that? Everybody has to do some holiday shifts. Listen, it's, I don't care about this. That's been serious. We have applesauce things. I just love the idea that you're being shoot out

by your boss for just leaving work in the middle of the goddamn day without telling anybody or anything like that or even acknowledging that you've done it. And your response is, you you feel like jobs are stupid. And this sucks. This is my great, great resignation. Here we come.

All right. So, okay. So we're back at the dojo for some more sweet karate action. Yeah. He's getting his black belt by wrestling a green belt. He's getting his brown belt. He won't get his black belt until the end, but yes. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Okay. Either way, feels like to get a brown or black belt, you would have to beat

not a green belt, right? So he's fighting this same green belt for every single task, right? In fairness, they all mean sun. So I guess you beat the sun. You can beat the sunlight one, yeah. You know what I thought about while this boring scene was happening? I bet that is Kendall Vecchio's son's friend. And how much must it suck to be that friend's parents who like that kid comes over to your house and Kendall Vecchio is just like hanging out in your living room talking about his movie festival. Are you wearing a black belt over your leather jacket

over your white judges' robes? Is that Eric Roberts waiting in the back of your car? So he's my driver today. I sent him to that. No, actually, it's just a cardboard cut out I got from Camille. So yeah, so then we cut from there, we cut to Elizabeth the psychic law professor telling another Christmas hypothetical. Now they're filming this in the classic

when I'm sure you're going to be a funny reveal when you see who she's talking to. Man. Nope. Whatever you're picking whatever you're thinking, it's gonna be, who do you think she's talking to? Exponentially more insane. Yeah, this is a good time for you to pause the podcast. Do the shit down. Right? Yep. Do the craziest thing you can think of.

You lost because it's the Senegalese isolated tribe. It is the Centenalese, it's the North. The Centenal Island. Yes. That is the place where that asshole Catholic missionary John Cho got killed with arrows because he fucking deserved it. Right. Because he tried to contact an uncontacted tribe that's protected by the Indian government, because like, you know, breathing near them could be genocide. He was literally, he was about to

kill all of them with like a common cold. Yep. And they killed him. They were justified just like Santa murdering the Greece or with the birds. But yeah, she's giving a legal lecture to the people of North Sentinel Island on her laptop. Mm-hmm. Again, I think he thinks he's doing humor. They have Skype. Yeah, right. yes, exactly.

But mom slams the laptop close and she's like, no, we're doing my murder but thing. Right, yeah, she's like, if I had to leave my applesauce meeting for you, you have to leave your set in the league's law lecture for me. Ty. Exactly. And she's like, I don't know.

I don't think I want to go. But just then she has another sudden Eric Roberts vision. Yeah, he says, sometimes I think I'm going down the wrong path. And I wrote my notes, Eric Roberts, I can assure you by being in this movie, you are going down the wrong path. Yeah, but she's getting a like of visions from all the named characters at this moment. And I struggled to write notes on it because it's all just random babble of clips they still had, right?

Yep. My notes, again, in order are jibbering, jibbering, Bob is alive. This is the slowest 13 minutes of my life. Oh, yeah. The last 10 or 12 minutes of this took me an hour and a half to watch. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, so okay. And part of this vision, by the way, includes Ken Delvecchio visiting Aurora Palace, the girl who owned the theater that got shot up in the hospital after the shooting. So she thinks that means that Bob lived through the shooting, which I think we are already established, right? established, right? Every single vision has had the exact same revelation, which is your husband was alive. And here is a nice compliment about Ken, thank you. Right. Yeah. Exactly. And he visited that nice young lady from the shooting. Yeah. Right. He's ladling her soup.

Are you poor? I don't know. It starts to slice her up for the soup kitchen. What? She's available. So, so she's like, yeah, but all right, but we have to head to the bar because your psychic vision told you that we need to go to the bar. And Elizabeth, the psychic is like, why are you now telling me what my psychic vision took? This makes no, but she's like, I know. I think he meant to write this line for you. I don't even know. Hold on. This is just like Dickens.

It's right. Right. Yes. Oh, we still decked in the Christmas future. Is that the ball or I never mind. Oh, never mind. It's the person. Oh, damn, it is the past.

I'm an alcoholic in real life, and I'm cold earlier. And now I have to drink now for real. Yeah. That actually may have been it too, that this lady was like, look, I'm not going to do this last scene unless you're buying the drinks. Yeah. So they go to this bar on Christmas Eve, which is lovely, by the way. Yeah, no, it looks like a nice place.

It's one of those things. They're like, it's very clearly like a nice homey family owned establishment near Kendall Vecchio's place. And he was like, how would you like your establishment to be featured not once, but twice in a real international film festival award winning. The starring Eric Roberts and Martin Colve. I feel like the owner of this bar also committed a hate crime during the day. They they served a minor and they show up and he was like, I've got great news.

So yes, so they're hanging out in the bar on on Christmas Eve when suddenly Elizabeth, this is so fucking weird. Elizabeth sees the fiance that she'd broken off with because the psychic vision told her he was gonna die. Yep. At the bar. And then she just yelled cries at him. Yeah, she's like, oh, you're supposed to be dead. He's like, nope, I'm alive.

And she's like, well, maybe I'm not psychic. And I wanted her to turn to the other actress and be like, I'm sorry, what's the movie about it? It's not psychic. I mean, I wanted someone to do that at every moment in the movie so I could write it down in my god damn nose. That's what I was wondering. Why don't you just grab the bar tab.

I'll be right back. I'll pay it in a second. I won't not leaving. Yeah. I'll give you my sale. I'll be right back. I'll pay you in a second. I won't not leaving. Yeah. I'll give you my sale. I'll give you my sale. Don't worry. So what I love about this, those the way that this, what's actually happening to this character, if we just take a moment to try to exist in this movie's universe, is he's just having a drink when his ex fiance shows up and starts yelling at him for existing.

Yeah. You're, you're supposed to be dead. Hey, at least if my exes show up and start yelling at me, they'll have good reason. I liked that this guy had like a wife here and the wife is like, oh, let me guess you're the insane person who believes they're a psychic who broke up the engagement because you saw a vision of him dying and you thought then the lack of engagement would mean he would live. Yeah, so we're going to go enjoy Christmas with our family of real things. Bye. Yeah. And that's it. But just that we hear Bob's voice coming only from the left head phone.

Is it him? No, it's just some other guy that sounded like you. And then then we have the like, I'm sorry, I'm not a psychic after all. And she's like, oh, this okay, you taught me the value of all the great things about Kendall Vecchio. And again, it's not my favorite part of the movie, but it's pretty close. We watch them make plans when they're both busy. Yes. This is so rough. This is another great eight minutes of the movie. It was like, so you want to come over for Christmas Eve dinner and it was like, no, I have plans.

No, I actually have family in town. Oh, okay. Do you want to do the next week? What are we in text about next week? You want to text me? Well, so let's just let's just go. Let's figure it out now. Get your get your calendar out. Get your cat. Do you have a? Do you have a job number? It's ready?

App you use it right. It's down. Yeah. We watch all of that. They could have just not done any of that. Hold on, bartender. Can I get a pen? I'm trying to write down a phone number. Just we're going to text each other later about this. I watched the I watched this on 2B and I get a pen? I'm trying to write down a phone number, just we're gonna text each other later about this. I watched, I watched this on Tubi, and I got a Carvana commercial

in between this scene in the next, and the Carvana commercial was so much better thought out than this entire fucking film. It would almost have to be. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Okay, so she says, all right, well, you can't come to Christmas Eve dinner. Why don't you come Christmas after,

I mean, if you're doing something Christmas Eve, you must not be doing anything the afternoon of Christmas. And that's the day that Jesse is testing for his black belt. At home, he's doing an at home. We're ready to. I promise home is he getting a black belt on Christmas day. What?

Probably his mom, his mom is awarding it to him. So I wrote my notes like, wait, did you guys forget that it was Christmas in your movie? Or are we gonna have the karate instructor just showing up at their house on Christmas Day to give them the administer the test? It's actually pretty lonely to be a karate instructor on Christmas.

Yeah. Because let's face it, if you have a family that you're spending Christmas with, you're not a karate instructor. She's Christ. True story. No, no karate instructor's been like, all right, everybody. I'm headed home to my wife and children. I'm a full grown man who teaches children the ancient art of the game? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's a canyon punch.

Sorry. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. The non-crowning, instructing portion of our audience is loving this bit.

I bet. You know what? If you're insulted, it will stand 30 feet apart. And you can do all the crows. I'm a family of named senators and books that I know. No. No, that's going to happen. party feed a party and you can do all the crows and go to my family and me and senators and books that I know. No, no, that's gonna happen. If I hurt your feelings that you're a karate instructor, you can come over for Christmas.

We both know you have nowhere to be. Oh, the fact that it's true makes it less funny, but the next day, I guess, we cut to Christmas without a really a clue. Abby and her parents are hanging out at the table for Christmas, so along with Elizabeth, we have not met her parents, by the way. So it's just a couple of old folks, I guess, to the grandparents. And Jesse is doing, you know, GDS pelvic thrust pushups again. Yeah. And the family's all arguing over who holds the board.

Right. Then he has to break to get his black belt. Yeah. They spend two fucking minutes arguing about why, I'm a man, I should hold the board, no, I'm the old woman, I should hold the board. This board needs a penis, damn it. Yeah, exactly. You get a black belt for breaking a very small, I did that when I was four at like a summer camp.

It, yeah, that's a black belt. Yeah, well, that's part of getting a black belt, but no, that is not, well, you know, I can, you can order one belt. Yeah, well, that's part of getting a black belt, but no, that is not. Well, you know, you can order one off of Amazon, right? It's not a real thing. It's just like how much money did your mom give to the babysitter who teaches kids the ancient art of kicky punchy? You have to order two pieces of wood that match each other.

You have to send that back to Amazon. But then I will send you a black belt. We used to have the kids. We used to do the tests like the black belts had to go do the tests for the really little kids. And we had a lesson on how to hold the boards. And the lesson was, you're going to break these boards by accident if you hold them with any of them. Because they're special boards that you literally do like a little cut in them beforehand. And he was like, if you so much is breath on these fucking boards, they burst into flame.

These things blow. Well, and then I'm sorry, I don't mean to call out the skipper being a pansier, whatever, but he breaks it with his elbow. He might as well drive a car. I backed my father's dog. I'm a black belt. You could break this by sneezing on it and he goes for the elbow. All right, fine.

He just takes out a circular saw. There we go. Black belt. And then Ken Delveque walks in. Yep. He breaks the board with his elbow. The dead husband just walks in the back door, says, and I quote, I did it. I escaped. End of movie. End of movie. I wrote

the end. Fuck you. I think we should stop making this podcast. We all wrote the end. Fuck you. Oh, yeah. What else? I wrote that in the notes. I noticed that this morning, I'm like, nothing can better encapsulate this film than all of our reactions to the ending of it just being, oh, fuck you. And then also, so he comes in and he says, why, I escaped. Then he turns to the kid and he says, this is your black belt. You are in this for me. Didn't you? How would he know that? Why would you know that stupid? And then mom says, it's a miracle just like in the title. And we all go, wait, is it? And then the credits.

Oh, it's a good job, guys. All right. So to close these up, I am dying to hear the fan theories. Where was who kidnapped Bob? New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live.

New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live.

New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live. New Jersey live gravy. All right. And I guess that's going to do it for our review of a karate Christmas miracle, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to recommit to this program. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. We'll be watching vindication episode two this time. Maybe something will happen. Yeah, but probably not. So with that, look forward to,

we're going to bring episode 332 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among them, right, she can make a per episode on Asianupitrade.com. Look slash God awful.

And thereby earn early access to an ad for your version of our re-episode. You can also help it to end by leaving a five-star review end by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our similarly

shows the scanning A of the citation to your D and D minus and the schedule card available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodolphinBubesademo.com Legal services with this podcast and provided by the law, this is a P.A. Driftours. Tim, Robberson, take care of our social media, our theme song was written in before and by Ryan Aslant, and David with Jeff San Mars. All of the music was written in before and by our

audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathin, right? And Eli Bosnick, I'm No Lusius, promise to work hard or earn another check next week until then. We'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. to check your life this week for Heathin, right? And Eli Bosnick, I'm no illusions, promise to work harder or another truck next week until then. We'll leave you with the Brightness Club Clothes. That same kid, Mario Delveque, starred in a wrestling Christmas miracle, a year later, that is on the docket for us.

So much Becky over, some the docket. So much better. Ken Delveque went on to get disbarred over something that involves peanut butter and feral goats. Guessing, guessing. The website for Hoboken International Film Festival is broke. Aw.

It is when I went to the face, fucking jambling. I just got it. It is nothing. Chroma is just drugs and shoulders. It does that little spiral by the edges. By the way, here's the description of a wrestling Christmas miracle. Oh, please.

It was the opening night movie at the Hoboken International Film Festival festival or if in 2020. It starred, of course, Mario Del Vecchio. He is also a nationally ranked youth wrestler. No, he got second in nationals. No, Mario, no, Mario, no. And also in that cast, Martin Cove, cober guy guy, Gilbert got freed. Oh, wow. Jimmy Walker.

Okay. Michael Winslow from police academy. What? Sure. Todd Bridges, Willis from different strokes is who that is. Okay. Willis from different strokes is who that is. Okay. And Julie McCullough from Growing Pains and Sharknado fame.

She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years.

She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. She was in the last two years. crime convention that got busted. I guess those things. Those are really do you

why? Yeah, basically, if you say do you know who I am in the state of New Jersey, you go before Kendall, but you can't know that yo goes, no, but I know a man. Is Robert Lose your still alive? No. Okay, that's why he's not in that cast. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright Those are still alive? No. Okay, that's why he's not in that cast.