God Awful Movies - 34: GAM034 Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

This week, we're joined by special guest masochist Thomas Smith of Atheistically Speaking and Thomas and the Bible for an atheist review of Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End.  In a pre-post-apocalyptic world, one humble karate ninja sets out to sell bulletproof vests door to door because he's an idiot.  But when he accidentally karate ninjas the wrong biker gang, nothing happens, but they suggest something will in the sequel.---If you'd like to pick up your copy of the God's Not Dead song parody from last week (remember, 100% of proceeds go to charity!), you can get it on CD Baby here. If you'd like to donate to the same charity directly, you'll find it here. To learn more about the fundraiser, check out The Herd Mentality podcast. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Hey guys, so first off we want to thank all our listeners, both old and new for making last week our largest show ever. We're so glad to have you and thank you to everyone who liked and shared last week's episode to introduce new people to the show. We've gotten a ton of requests for the ability to download the parody we made of God's Not Dead, so we'd like to do something good with it. For those who don't already listen to the Herd mentality podcast, Adam's last episode was about a homeless atheist veteran who could really use some help for him in his service dog right now. John is currently

out of a job with severe PTSD and is unable to find work or the medical care he needs. I can't encourage you enough to listen to his story and figure out what's going on with him. But what we've decided to do is put the song on CD Baby for a dollar. There will be a link on the show notes for this episode as well. And all the social media platforms we've spoken to the Fantastic Morgan Clark. And he's agreed to let us donate every cent from the sale of the song to this fantastic cause. So if you wanted to buy last week's song to play at your uncle during Thanksgiving, here's your chance and by doing it, we're going to help

a person who could desperately use it. Again, the link for the song, the GoFundMe for John, and the episode of Herd Mentality will be on the show notes for this episode. Thank you so much for listening to the show, and now, back to God Awful Movies. David AR White looks like he got a case of gigantism, but just in his brow, nose, and chin. And then it didn't make it past that. Even if our white was actually the reason scientists started looking into whether

or not we interbred with Neanderthals. They're like, you know what? We might have actually. Hold on. Let's get this guy into the lab. He looks like a cartoon penguin after a bad divorce. Just like, sitting on a 19-year-old at a college bar. Got my own place. I mean, the whole basement is my parents. Penguin after a bad divorce, just like, hit on a 19-year-old at a college bar,

got my own place, I mean, the whole basement's my parents live up there. God awful, movie, movie. Well, welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we've run out of new veneerial diseases to collect. I'm your host Noah Luzonz and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Brian Bosworth can't say enough.

Sorry, we'll get there, we'll get there. We'll get there. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnichee. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I just want to say a lot of people have shark aids not just me Lots not just you It's you and that shark and sitting 1.179 times 10 to the minus 10 par sex to my West is the virtually ungoogleable Thomas Smith from Atheistically speaking at all Thomas Thomas welcome to God off a movie sir.

What's that? Oh, I was just pinning some hate mail to Anita Circhesian because apparently that's what he likes thinks I do all day. What because I know what you reverse racist asshole. Yeah. Except the next. I'm just getting out of stuff. Just shave your just get the lean your chin up and then just go along the line of your job changes the whole

I actually not even gonna do the show. I just want to you know clear the air with Eli and just you know Point poke holes in all his jokes for two hours. Can we do that? Oh? Absolutely She's gonna say I don't know what the hell me and heath are gonna do for that time, but okay I don't know what the hell me and heath are going to do for that time, but okay. In all seriousness, thank you for having me. It is an absolute pleasure to be here. I fucking love this show. And I'm looking forward to not saying anything just listening to you guys the entire time.

It sounds great. It sounds great. The passive guest experiences the best one. Now, normally I feel bad asking people to watch these pieces of shit movies with us, but you're reading the Bible on purpose. So I felt like if anybody could handle it It would be the guy from Thomas in the Bible Yeah, I well you know what I should say is like are you guys okay? Because we're good are you sure because when I watch this movie when I finally watched one of these pieces of shit

It occurred to me that my enjoying gam and, excuse me, and laughing every time just, uproariously laughing at it. It's like the fans who are all into, like, Amy Winehouse, and then she's dead, you know, like, I don't, when I finally watched one of these movies, I thought, do these people need help? Like, do they, do these people need help? Like do they do need our help? So I just wanna make sure, are you okay? I know, I'm gonna die real soon. Okay, and in a weird way, too.

Like people are, they're not gonna be able to do the go-femme right because of the way I die. They're gonna be like, I mean, it was just full of children. Just full of, we think he was trying to make a pulpit? We don't know. But we're not doing a fun razor. We're not talking about it. Just we have new guests on Gamary.

We're just letting it go. So why we're trying to milk as much out of them as we can now? So, Heath, tell us, what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched Revelation Road, the beginning of the end. It's the epic first act of a story that might eventually happen in a different movie. We won't be talking about that today. No.

No, today we'll be talking about a 90 minute character intro for Brian Bosworth and David AR White and the town that ain't big enough for the boat So I don't want to spoil all the excitement won't say anymore Alright, so Eli tell us how bad was this movie? So this movie was the kind of terrible because this is what I feel like people picture when I say I review Christian movies people picture when I say I review Christian movies because every week we find a new movie that is a different level of terrible. So if you were hoping for a movie that's about the Christian rapture, but also tells soldiers with PTSD that the only way for them to feel better is Jesus, then you're going to love this movie. Just each week we find a new low that Christian movies can

hit. Oh, this one was fucking hilarious now this was one of the worst written pieces of shit I've ever had to sit through and the writing the bad writing is what really gets to me in movies so this movie really got to me I found this just to give you a quick example the writing in this movie is so bad it pervades the IMDB plot synopsis I shit you not this is how their people elected to sell this film. This film. Quote. Amidst for boating lightning and tremors. Fuck you already. Amidst. A traveling salesman with a dark past must fight demons both his own and a murderous

biker gang in his quest to complete his last sale and go home. That's a fucking Donald Trump sentence. Like you just have to do, omit the foreboding like, and look, I love the demons. I love them. I love the demons. I get along with demons,

but in this movie we're fighting these. Okay. I'll fucking demon right now. Get me a demon. I'll fucking demon. Look at that face. Alright, well obviously we can't expect the audience to contain themselves for long when David AR White Action Hero is on the line. So we're gonna take a quick

break and when we return we'll break down all the ominous lightning and after effects that is Revelation Road, the beginning of the end. Does this ever happen to you? Nobody cares about Clark Kent taking on the Batman. Well, it happened to us too, and we bitched about it for two solid hours on a special Patreon only bonus episode this week. So if you're a Patreon supporter of this podcast or of our sister-show-the-scating atheist, be sure to check your Patreon feed.

Our review of Batman V Superman is already there. And if you're not already a patron, please consider supporting our efforts. You'll get Eli's candid admission of the true depths of his comic book geekery. But I have 10,000 comic books. Most people have 10,000 like grains of rice in their own 10,000 separate fucking comic books. You'll get ridiculous plot holes. But the cryptonite gas, like, attaches to him, like he doesn't just step out of the cloud, but he totally good. He just sits there in the cloud, like,

no! This three-feet in particular, that can't be me! And he's not just like, I'm fine. You'll get unadulterated nerd rage. Everything Batman has is shaped like a fucking bat. That's why he's... BAT!

You'll get Granny's Peach Tee. Do you remember how I said P would be important? And we weren't about to do sex stuff? You'll get empathy. This is what Heathen you feel like when the Christians try to sports. Yeah, they're looking at it and you're like, oh, they're throwing it to the thing. But don't answer yet because I didn't ask a question. So if you'd like to support the show and help pay for the extensive

psychological counseling and a one day incur, please head over to patreon.com slash god awful and make a per episode donation today. Or tomorrow. No hurry. And we're back for the breakdown and the first thing this movie wants to tell us is how sorry all those stupid atheists are going to be when Jesus gets home. Yeah, basically the first sentence of this movie is some people will be scared of the apocalypse, but some people will be super stoked. of the apocalypse, but some people will be super stoked. They'll be like awesome. That's

the crazy this movie's start set. Well, and I love that the ominous thing is saying, like even when there were earthquakes and famines and wars, they still did not live like there's always been. Even when shit that always happened continued to to happen people didn't know that it was the apocalypse. Everyone said our stupid shitty predictions didn't come true but now I'm out. In this movie where we get to make shit up. They did here. People throughout time immemorial have always thought Jesus was going to come back during their lifetime but now they actually is okay. Now he finally is.

Exactly. Exactly. Everybody since Paul was wrong. I want to know. Now, was this guy, his vocal delivery was something to be whole? Now, was he, was he masturbating or was, like, like it was like the apocalypse. And there's earthquakes and and and then then there's there's there's famine. It will be locusts. It will be slowly lowering himself down onto an all-American. You got to touch the floor, Brian, or you don't get to stop doing the voiceover. don't get to stop doing the voiceover. Oh man. By the way, he's switching between a Scottish accent, I think, and an American accent like every three words.

That's crazy. Like, the end times are going to be great! Making of which, revelations, it's crazy. Like, directors going, Scottish, now American, now, Scott, right next to him. I do that when I master. And then I was really hoping the end would be for when you learn to love a And then it would show David A. R. What in? Because of the accent. I was really hoping we would cut to the post-apocalyptic lucky charms leprechaun

It's just sitting there and drinking lucky charms out of the skulls of those kids that used to chase them around I miss the chase. I never thought that it was like, but I do light make light. But it's, yeah, right. But instead of that, we get the Christian death metal punchy scene. Oh. And sound effects courtesy of someone's mouth. They could not. Wow. courtesy of someone's mouth they could not and the sound was

yes yes if anything I mean maybe a punch okay maybe I'll believe a punch is gonna make the sound even though it doesn't it does it but it's just gonna go like that's what it sounds like it's like it's like it's gonna be a duke and then there's a I love okay so what we're seeing is a bunch of bikers beating up a cop. And I love all the bikers in the background are going like,

woo, woo, and that's all that you say. Yeah, it's the funniest thing they've ever seen. Like they're just laughing at it for some reason. Oh shit, you punched a bit of face real good. We egg you on. Continue doing that. My theory about this scene and its sound effects is that David our White's mom left the house and he got a kung fu movie on Netflix and then deleted his internet history and he was like I'm gonna make one of those I'm gonna make one of those but it was like an old Bruce Lee movie so he was like

I have a music note here and that is everyone in this guitar center knows I'm going to land a record deal any day. It's just the guy sitting in a fucking guitar center. But they're like, just fucking got him so fucking good. I'm gonna get signed any fucking second right now. And also, of course, this is where we're gonna meet our villain The Boss. And I don't know if they ever mentioned this in the movie but I noticed in the credits that his character's name is Hog with a W. Awesome. And by the way he's wearing lace-up, asless leather shoes. This is the best movie we've ever done. He seemed a bit overdressed for desert. Also, this is not the first time that a biker in one of the movies we watched has been

wearing asless leather chaps, because Christian doesn't understand that that's getting fucked in the eagle. Like, that's what that's for. This looks pretty bad ass here. Isn't this kind of what the bad ass people wear? Yeah, his outfit was exactly like when fucking Boramir is about to cut the head off of the guy in the beginning of Game of Thrones. Like, I expected him to say like, winter is coming. I know it seems hot now, but I'm wearing all this fur because winter is coming.

So the cop that's getting beat up and his face is variably cut up and not as the scenes progress. They let him go, they're like run and he runs away and then. I could watch this overweight actor jog away forever. I literally was just weeping with laughter, screaming into my Apple TV series, go back 30 seconds to just watch this guy who very clearly had to be given a pep talk to jog 12 feet. His character was saying I want to survive but not that much. Paste yourself from the mic.

Also was this Gary Shanling's last movie or Now he looks like Gary sorry he does a little bit little bit Mostly because he's dead by the end of the scene He so so boss says to us and once the guys got a bit of a head start boss says to his guys Unpack the hammer and everybody's like hooray the hammer and he pulls out this paper mishay cause play hammer this hammer is made by nerd yeah they sell this hammer at Toys Russ and by the way the actors could not be worse at miming a heavy hammer because it won't know like picks it up and spins it around and the next guy's like oh

I can barely lift it and then The pair from the play of the bad guy in this movie is like he's There's no consistency in the prop. No, no, but then he hammers the coffee free rides his bike up behind the cop and hammers him in the head to death Oh my god, and look not to blame the victim here, but I totally blame the victim here. Sorry. If you I feel like when the police were going to the family to say what happened to Gary Shanling, you know, I feel like they would be like, yeah, we're not going to press any charges because like he shouldn't have died. There's the guy who's right in a motorcycle with a hammer. He could have just veered four feet to one side

and he would have been safe. Like we're not even gonna press charges. It's not, I don't even think. How far is that dodge? Yeah, like just wait for the motorcycle to get there and then jump slightly to one side. And you'd be fine. The cop would be like, I'm sorry, man,

like we just, I don't even think the guy did anything wrong he just had a hammer and he's just shooting gotten out of the way made the species basically suicide right exactly yeah we can only assume he wanted to die so then we go to the to the credits proper where we get David A.R. White driving and he's driving to the city of independence yes and song music note for this song That's playing over these credits is Jennifer Tilley's gonna make it as a singer damn it My music note was if you let her sing one more time you're probably gonna be able to fuck her so you do

Cindy Lauper won't put the lotion in the basket We're clearing your throat the musical Kevin Smith's girlfriend wanted to sing a song in the movie. Chasing Amy Winehouse. So we listened to this and then we oh nice nice that took me a second. So we're listening to this terrible music and watching the same driving through the desert scenes over and over again because they only had so many right and uh... throughout this were getting the fake lightning now this fake lightning will be pervasive throughout the movie but what i what i first thought all i wrote is who somebody must be mutating a kryptonian

yes by the way if you slow it down you can actually see a a guy in a black unit hard run on the screen cardboard lighting both sideways for the camera turn the bag of the room Larry we can see you book you So then he gets gets a a call from his much younger super hot wife Rachel Well, he's on the road there and she could not be Less matched to David our white. Oh, no like if there's not a scene where we see that he has her family in a bunker somewhere, it makes no sense that that's his wife and not his daughter. Yeah, I'm gonna take it back. It could be his daughter wife. This is a Christian movie after all. Yeah, she's so hot that we expect to find out that she curiously only has one room there and

there's a way to get out without the room. Yeah, that would have worked. That would have made it make a lot more fucking sense. And she wants him to pray with her, but he can't because it's, quote, not his thing. Yeah, also just quick note, the baby is playing with a blender in this scene. The baby is on a chair. There's a shot of the baby holding a blender and then you see like the baby off screen and she's very clearly on the phone while the baby plays with a blender and I was like,

is that baby gonna blend itself? Is this the premise of a joke? Yeah. It's like, and then we have our first conflict in the film. The baby has been blended and then that's where it goes from there. There is so much confusing already in this first part. Like, okay, so on the phone, he says he's trying, he needs to get the sales. So he gets a promotion, like, when you're traveling salesman, what is your promotion

that you get? You know, like, you said, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, stationary salesman. He's it Yeah, and if you're a traveling salesman, wouldn't you want to go to like where people would be or Just trying to travel to like the most remotest parts of the planet and then learn he sells the craziest thing for a traveling salesman So I guess you would have to travel over the entire country. He burns just thousands of dollars in gasoline to make one sale, I guess, to travel through the desert. It's the weirdest thing. Oh, here's a run down little Hick Rednext or just what I was looking

for. But before all this can happen, because as soon as he says that praying is not his thing, lightning strikes immediately on his car. No real thunder that goes with that, but there's lightning and then his car stops working and his radio starts being weird and his wife this isn't, this is going to be gone for like five minutes, but his wife is on the phone going, Josh, what happened? Josh, what happened? And for some reason reason he's not like the car just fucked out Hold on honey He just leaves the phone there so that we can hear her ask that 900 times. I really she asks it so many times

That a third of my notes for this scene are shut the fuck up. Josh's wife Yeah, and then I wanted to say there's nothing supernatural having your car is just a piece of shit Sorry, that's all that happened it broke down because you're driving a piece of shit car Through a desert exactly and but so while he's sitting on the side of the road a truck comes by and rear ends him And then to hill mill is jump out because you're mad that they hit him with their trucker whatever Yeah, it's my god. So this is in action movies. This is called the proving. We're like Bruce Willis runs into the thugs on the subway and they're like, Hey man, give us your Batman mug. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone in this movie is fucking insane. So they were like,

how about he's at the side of the road. And then these hillbillies rear end him, blame him for it and then threaten him with a knife. And try to rob him, yes. Ah, the old rear ended then mugs someone trick. It gets worse because I noticed the second time I watched this fucking torturous garbage, I noticed there's a slight break squeal before the rear ending.

So he's on the side of the road. The truck must, what, pull over to hit him but also slam on the brakes and still hit him like what? What is happening? Well, and if this was just the scene the if this was just the proving at least you would feel like okay At least they did it wrong, but it made sense, but it's not because Then a bunch of bikers show up in the two guys leave Yeah, he's for no reason He ends up the dead zone, which is what he does before he's about to use his super duper white guy karate on people

Also Eli you're forgetting the important part that happens a hundred thousand fucking times in this movie is Hey man, look don't do this. You don't want trouble. Like, there's always the, he's such a badass that he has to tell the people like, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to show him. I don't want to show him. To everything, like if his car hit into a telephone pole, first he'd stop and be like,

you don't want to do this telephone pole. Just walk away. But yeah, he goes into the dead zone because he's about to do karate But then the bikers show up and they're basically the bad guys from Mad Max Well the rejects the ones that didn't make the basically drive up and they're like, oh what a glorious day And they're like oh, he's a little blunt this guy and all the all the while the phone is going honey babe babe Yes, honey, honey babe. It's like how long of a phone not fucking working Do you guys generally put up the second of I don't hear something for like three tenths of a second

I'm like fuck it. It's over. I'm done with this call Oh my god babe honey. Where are you there? Are you that God fucking a just blend your kid already? So I had two thoughts at this point. Um, first of all the farmers in in this area were a good amount of face jewelry Where a lot of face jewelry, which was surprising and then I also had a question at this point It's not clear the the bikers show up and they kind of like Intimidate the the farmers away are bikers and like got farmers rival gangs in this part of California. What's happening? We're with that one story Yeah, right and one of them is just Brett farm actually the old farmer is just

Barve he's just hanging out. I don't know what he's doing there He's hard up for work at this point. Yeah. And then after a real comfortable jeans, after everybody drives away, and this is going to happen a number of times, he looks down at his fist and his fist is curled up and he has this like, who the fuck curled my fist up look on his face? Which he is going to have like 11 more times before this movie is over. Do you know kung fu?

Because I could swear my hand was. Do you know kung fu? No, right. Because I could swear my hand was about to start doing this kung fu. Or you expect the X-files music to happen. Actually, I've prevented that a lot during this movie. It pretty much all was just X-files rip offs, like the car stalling, the light, like everything. It could have been done, no, no, no, at any time. All right, what if in X-files nothing really happened? Yeah.

I kept expecting him to open his hand and there was just a piece of jade there that wasn't there before and that happens eight thousand times and it's ridiculous so now we show up at franks which is just some shit hole gas station on the side of the road where he has gone into trying to make a sale and this is what we learned that their decision for what this guy's job was going to be in this movie

was bulletproof vest salesman. He's a door to door bulletproof vest salesman. Oh, once. Oh, fucking once. But yes. And the name of the shops, it says guns, jerky, and other right- wing bullshit that you might want. It's like conservative bullshit the store.

It was like yeah, preteen pregnancy or whatever like, two pregnancy fucking yeah all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, though, they sell the warning stickers for evolution books and everything there. But of course the guy at the store is Ray Wise evil ACL you lawyer in chief I like the thing is the prequel that God's not dead to just what caused him to lose his faith you know you guys have probably you know you're jaded you've been ruined by this already but this was my first experience of having an actor that I like a lot and then seeing him in this movie and going, why?

Just why? He was, it was pretty bad ass as heavy number three and Robo cop I will admit. Ray Wise is a great fucking actor. I don't care what anybody says. He's really good. And it just just broke my heart like what do you do? Yeah, he was in training day I was phenomenal on that he was an inside man with Antonio Benderes he was incredible on that

he was in glory that was what was in twin t-in right um i'm pretending it's ten oh He's really looking at each other like what the fuck are you He's not black. I don't get it Nor do I but at any rate is the way it is there It's all nice and fluid in the So so and he might want to buy a bullet-of investor too. He's not so sure. But he has three questions before he'll buy from David A.R. White.

Yeah. And all three of them are, can I just buy this on Amazon? What the fuck are you doing? Generally when people need bullet Proof Vests, they come to you. That's just one of you have one of those type of things. Yeah. Like I need a bullet Proof Vests, but I'm just just gonna wait till someone just brings me one. I don't. I'm a door to door tire vulcanizer.

What the fuck are you talking about? Doesn't make any goddamn sense at all. Yeah, the people who are buying bullet profess are pursuing that product. Yeah. Yeah. The other way around. Exactly. But his three questions are, are you a family man?

Which is apparently a very tough question. Yeah. Oh, oh god. Oh shit Well, I want to say I want to say who I want to say Anyway, yeah, but he he eventually gets around to yes, I have a family. Yeah. Do you believe in God? Again tough question, right, which I want to throw that out there as a former salesman, if anyone had ever asked me that, I would have been like, sure do. Oh, you're back. Thank you. I was gonna say, because he starts this,

Ray, why starts with this with, look, you're an excellent salesman. Like, we know, and it's like, no, he's a terrible fucking salesman. He's just like, vaguely described the product. Like, oh, and it stops bullets. And then, your friend shoot you when you're out he's a fucking salesman

this is salesman's bread and butter if a guy asks you are you a family man you the salesman is baffled all i don't know what is the i don't expect that to come up yet this that normally the salesman is like i'm a family man now i have a family i want to protect my family and i like they have all that bullshit figured out this is right up salesman alley. He's playing right into the salesman bullshit and and fucking David A.R. White the worst salesman of all time It's like a family. I do I do define that what's a I how do you I guess I suppose a gvg copy of family man God to find God I suppose I I maybe there's a God. I don't know. And then question number three What would you put your trust in to save your family this vest or God?

Says the character who will be shot several times later be shot several times. I just wrote, please tell me he sells breast pocket kevlar bibles. All the wise would definitely buy those and then shoot himself trying to get on the news for a miracle. Yeah. Now does he do the same thing with like dorded or vacuum cleaner sales minute?

Would you try to clean your house? This vacuum or God? Oh, he might. I'll take my question. I'll take my answer off the air. I would you trust to clean your house this vacuum or God Oh, he must take my question. I'll take my answer out here He must because when the when he leaves he goes he's like you think about it I'm gonna to go take a bit shit Yeah, and then the granddaughter comes in she's like well you must have got his three questions So that must be his standard question. Yeah, what would you what would you rather the the prime of these girls?

Scout cookies or God what would you trust the private these girls scout cookies or God? What would you trust to save your life this flood insurance policy or God? Also his granddaughter walks in and she grabs his ass, right? That's the first thing she does Yep, she walks in she's like hi. I'm 13 squookers And she just all she communicates in this scene is that she desperately wants the David R.D. Oh, and the other thing is you've got to consider, he didn't exactly write this movie, but he, you know it was David A.R. White's idea that, okay, so we're going to have a hot little 13 year old girl come in and she'll grab my ass. Yeah. That'll be great and then she could take that a couple of times, get it from a couple of angles. I wanted to be the same age as my teenage wife.

That'll be perfect. He's like Cue brick, they did hundreds of takes, hundreds of tins. And she's clearly like 20, right? I don't get, this actress is confusing me. It's really weird. I was really hoping for Eli to do a lot of jokes about her appearance, so I could make sense of it.

She was cute generally generally it's the is the non-cute one's been a big sped up time on she looks like a brats doll after she gets whoever molested her arrested and oh nobody fucks those kids from the brats dolls you go go brats dolls tell me those kids haven't been abused uh... there it is.

I knew it. And of course, meanwhile, the Mad Max rejects are putting their weapons together outside. Yeah, and by the way, they're like, they all have their guns, they're loading them up and whatever, they're making the clicking noises to look. But guns don't make like clicking noises just because you turn them in the air. And that's what's happening. They're just like point them. They move their hand There's a lot of maintenance going on like they're doing the forest gump disassembling the entire thing and putting it back together

You're a guy genius Yeah, yeah, so it's a robbery so for the second time in the last eight minutes someone's gonna try to rob David a. R. White So they they barge in like three guys barge in with guns to rob the store, you know, fill this with guns and money. Well, they're gearing up like it's the end of the first Matrix movie. Like there's they're gonna go rob a little man in his store and they're the whole team is just armed to the fucking teeth. And then they send three guys like, yeah, why don't they just all go in there what does it matter right while the rest of them the other twenty six of them

right around the bend apparently yeah and then the guy there about to rob them in the guy radio is back to Bosn he says so what do we do with these witnesses and he's like you kill them and then there's a thunder clap. And then David A.R. White. It's fucking slow motion time, baby. Yeah, yeah, it is. Fish eye lens, David A.R. White. David R. White enters the dead zone. Yeah. And I have to say, I was so happy when the fight choreography

started. This is the only way I can describe the fight choreography in this movie. If you gave me and Thomas 12 shots of Yeager and then ran up to us and were like, quick, you got a choreograph of fight scene. This is what we would come up with. Because I don't know anything about fighting, but I feel like I know as much as the people who choreographed the fights for this movie. I don't think that thigh slap was quite as devastating as they made it out to be. How long did you do it in slow motion?

Then it definitely was really, really, really an effective attack. Like, if I do just like my hand touches your shoulder, but in slow motion, you can be like, oh, my shoulder. You know what I'm going to tell you. Now, Thomas, I'm going to kick and you're going to kick at the same time. I'll just fall down. Can I fall down the open? No i'll just fall down can i fall down the uh...

uh... from my kick do you know i just want to fall down can we do this one on the ground let's do you kick me ground fighting let's do it uh... what's it in post uh...

i would definitely rather watch that and then so so yeah so he fights the one guy and then he gets the gun and then he shoots the other guys but but he doesn't like shoot him badass Jason Born style band bam bam or whatever he has to hide behind the bullet proof shotgun proof shelves for a little while there's a pack of peanuts that is apparently better bullet proofing than the the best he was just trying to sell him because it does not even is pristine the the pack of peanuts is just it just sits there you can see the detail on it's like perfect. Now this is what came up for me in this scene and it's gonna come up a lot in this movie. Is this movie a pro second amendment movie or a con second amendment movie because at first everyone in this movie has guns

So you think it's pro, but they are all totally useless except for the bad guys All the good guys operate guns like they're not sure whether or not they're edible I have so many notes on the gun handling in this movie like there are points where Ed would would have come in and said guys It's a gun you wouldn't pick your teeth with it. Yeah, and every I can't believe that we haven't brought this up yet, but the gun shots are all in post. So there's no, there's every single gun is just like the guy is holding a motionless gun, and then the sound effect is boom, but like the worst fucking sound effects with a little bit of flash on it like that they added in post exactly so it's so fake and all the only effect you get is like there'll

be a couple you know like just random bits of dust and shit that flies around it's the funniest thing I really if there's any reason to watch this movie it's for the gun effects it's hilarious billionaire money i remake this movie but i replace all the gun noises with me just going phew yeah there's another one piqua piqua just saying that's not gonna take much money bro we don't have to wait for the billionaire money on that one my favorite part is he's killed two guys right and all that's left is

clamps from future armor i don't know if you know that. But this guy we've established in the we've established in the previous scene that this bad guy is he's so amused by everything. He decided like here's I know what evil is it's just laughing at everything. I'm gonna clamp Whoa. Should I clamp him? I'm gonna clamp him. And then, so his friends are dead. Like they just died and he's still laughing.

Like, oh, I'm gonna get you. It's like, what kind of bad guy is that? Does that exist? Like, how does that ever existed? That's what Christian actors call making a choice. He talks like to get him a body bad guy from karate. Yeah, and all times. And then, okay, so then meanwhile, back with the gang of 27 people

that's just kind of hanging back while these three do the robbery, Boss realizes something's wrong, so he sends three reinforcements, precisely three And this is okay of all the bad gunning in this movie the black guy comes in here with the machine gun Oh is the worst gunning He has it oozy or something yeah, he just holds it and apparently it shoots popcorn kernels, because it's just like, the sound effect is just like, and he's just kind of waving it around like,

sort of like a gay guy just pointing at thing, like just waving his limp-rested oozey around, and it just goes, and there's like a couple little bits of trash that fly around and the hell it is. There's somebody behind the shelves throwing confetti in the air. She's going around like a gay guy getting in a fight at a dinner party just like, oh

no, motherfucker, it's better than me, except it's an easy. And he doesn't look at what he's shooting at either. He's just like, oh no, I got this. By the way way this character is wearing a a Jack strap and a cop on his chin. What the fuck is going on? I had no idea what's it like he looks like a poor kid tried to dress up as Bane for Halloween Just household items There you go, Deshawn. You look just like it. No, my god I'm gonna look just like him. Come to think of it. That's a good. I description you look just like it no no i don't look just like him and i come to think of it that's a good

i description of the gun effects to it's exactly that it's some kid just like oh here's my here's my oozy guys uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh death to and uh... no i think you they just hide right and then they run away no he kills definitely kills the black i for sure because i i wrote in my notes he dies like a little send one more guy which is that and then can this time going backwards and don't look and just like you have a whole fucking army it would just got

we should point out at this point that uh... ronda rousey slightly manly or younger sister really wants to go in and fight at this point but Brian Bosworth is like no you're too important and she's like are you sure I could show my strong strong jaw and man's arms and he's like no and so she tries to go in any way and he just kicks her over the weirdest moment he's just like man and she's like if you follow David no. And of course, if you follow David A.R. White's career as closely as we do, you'll recognize her as his real wife, Andrea Logan White, I believe is her name. Uh-huh.

Yeah, and at some point, this had to have come up, right? Where they're like, hey, you're my real, or, you know, the wife is like, hey, I'm your real wife. Why don't I play the wife, you know, because I'm your wife. No, you're not hot enough. I mean, you need to be a biker chick. You're too important. Yeah, you're already put on a...

You just shoved her over and then she's like, okay, I'll play the biker chick. So then we got to the evil biker gang in the desert vowing revenge against David A.R. White. And like, this is where you really start to get just how bad the writing is. I had to write this one down The the bad guy who got shot the clamps. He goes there's this fillah. We didn't pay him no matter And to which Brian Bosworth said you did good

I'm gonna send you home And then mothers him with his hand. Yeah, he just like puts his hand over his face and is like you're dead now And apparently they're all gonna pay yeah, I wanted boss to ask some questions about what happened here like yeah What happened after I told you to kill them all? We waited five seconds in slow-mo and then Jason born again to us. Uh, I don't know. Okay. Just just don't wait next time. Just shoot people right away. What are we always talked about? I gotta be a stickler about this. Just shoot them right away.

Get Jason born right away. Don't wait. Just like let's hand him the gun right away. We're boss, but boss when you said no witnesses, it was so funny that we just had to last. We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna laugh at that and then wait five seconds and say you heard him I'm sorry, but how they missed the title Jason born again is entirely beyond oh wow That's good. So then we've got to go back to the store where the cops are like you know not buy in his Dr. Jekyll super soldier story quite and the pretend teenager could not be more cheerfully Re-enacting triple homicide

She's like and then he was like She's like and then there's so much blood. It was awesome and then like their guts were flying out and they all died 100 bad guys with swords Story courtesy of three girls at Jamba Juice at the mall all right, and then he was like Kapu Kapi And of course it's worth noting too the the Ray Wise character here has not been on screen for eight seconds without saying God Miracle or fucking Jesus at any point, and that will never happen. So right now he's got to tell Dave A. Airway, it's miracle.

Bless your son. Well, he's, I don't know if you got this, but he's religious is the thing. Yes, apparently he's right with Jesus. He's talking to the cops and he's like, all right, can I go? And they're like, no man, you kill three people. You got to like fill out some paperwork. And he's like, nah, and, all right, can I go? And they're like, no man, you kill three people. You gotta like fill out some paperwork.

And he's like, nah, and they're like, no, we're kind of, we're super serial about the whole way to kill three people thing. Yeah. Hang out. Well, and they don't even say what? They don't say like, oh, you need to come in or you need to, yeah, what, they're just like, nah, just hang out.

Just go hang out. We like to have extra murderers in town. If you're gonna kill three people, the least you can do is spend some money in our fucking pieces See a movie like they don't just all that gdp right there from these guys But he's like no, I think I'm gonna take off. All right Well if you need to get in touch to me about killing the three people. I'm gonna write down my Twitter handle You guys Give me a follow.

Give me a follow. It's like when you've set two friends up to try and fuck each other at a party and one of them wants to leave earlier, like, nah, come on! Have you tried the K-so? Yeah, man, try it again and talk to her. Are you guys on Facebook? Are both of you on Facebook?

Yeah. Have three more drinks and then look at her. And then we get heavy metal three again so we can head back to the biker camp. Oh wait, but now we're done with Eric Roberts, right? We didn't mention it. Oh, right? I don't know. We haven't got any. Oh, I thought that's what you're talking about. I'm sorry, my fault. No, no, the first he meets with the cop who looks like spanky from the little rascals grew up and decided to be a rapier sheriff and later on we're going to find out that Eric Roberts needed money for meth.

Yeah, exactly. To forget the time he got to fuck Angelina Jolie and then didn't get to fuck Angelina Jolie anymore. Which by the way, I support. If I got to fuck Angelina Jolie and then they were like, you don't get to do that anymore, I'd be like, MESS BLEASE! So anyway, with the point of this next scene though, is just that we need to know that Brian Bosworth is,

first of all, apparently he ate some bad jerky or something because he seems to be having an off day. But also, we need to know that Lady Biker wants to do it herself and take the revenge all by her but he won't let her yeah she said he says oh what so you can fix your screw up and it's like what screw up she just tried to go yeah she wasn't even there yeah what did she do i don't know it's it's so can feel they can't even keep track of their own shitty plot

which by the way has like three things in it. Right right. Fairly simple plot. Yeah. Basically their conversation is I really feel like I'm not being appreciated. I have the speaking stick. Okay. Until you can do a low gravely voice like this, you're not going to be able to be in this film. Okay. Also, by the way, they're at the biker lair and he has a face washing fountain outside out front. It's like a biker compound. One of the boss have like a rack of moisturizers next to it and he's just like, I'm going to exfoliate.

What? We drive around in the dust all the time. I wanted to point out that the hygiene habits are there's a wide range in this biker game because we get one guy in who already was killed who had the fakes to fucking uh... revenue teeth going like these broken old western all they were bubble teeth yeah there was a plastic bubble three layers of teeth like a shark

crazy and then we have the buzz who has the perfectly groomed like touch a gray just beautiful that i was pretty attracted to him to be honest. He was, that's a fine looking man. Yeah, he looked like Mickey Rorx abusive dad. The girls got the straightest, widest, cleanest teeth with a, like, face is all nice and made up and more like, wait, how does this all happen at one biker layer? You know, like, it's a range of high teeth after every meth.

She brushes after every month and most me so then we get to uh... then we get to air a grobberts then we get to him hang out at the uh... at the police station while they're telling them all about all the paper work they got a fill out of after he murdered all the right this movies just like a runaway train if you think about it by the way uh... air grobberts looks like a runaway train if you think about it. No. No. No. No. By the way, Eric Roberts looks like a halfway eaten puppy chew toy at this point.

It looks like a 1920s catchers mitt really well broken in. Did not hold up as well as the ball. He looks like Woody from Toy Story didn't age well. Yeah. Kind of like Ray Wise got his head put in a vice. A little bit like that too Yeah, but sort of sideways it was literally angled in there diagonally Yeah, so now the cop is mildly suspicious that the dude seems completely non-plussed over murdering a bunch of people But he can't talk about his past

David A.R. White because the the folks who on the born rights would probably sue him Hey, man What did you used to do were you a soldier or a G-man or a spy? And he's like, we, one of them. Hey, it's mysterious. It said that in the synopsis. The guy comes up and says, we checked his records. It's blank, you know, before five years ago. Yeah, right. What is, what the fuck does that mean? And he he says it like oh this is pretty cool. Check this out. Not yeah, what the fuck is going on here? Why your records like what are you an alien? What is this?

I hope he turns out to be an alien and then we get what I thought was God this this was it had to be intentionally comical we get the lady biker peeking around the corner Yes, you know what he notices the two bikers just sneaking around Like Boris and Natasha sneaking around. Is that two people in shiny black leather and Behind that small No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and then he bumps the third person's head. I expected to be like on each other's shoulders with a long trench coat or something like that. Oh, so what's going on over here, fellas? But yeah, so then David A.R. White goes to drive away.

But first we have to have a flashback to all the shit we just saw in this film. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And just like that, Eric Roberts, who, why is he in this movie? Does anyone have any idea he's already gone he's done so i was in my mind because air robberts was acting

like the creepiest fucking guy i've ever seen i thought like who maybe he's gonna turn out to be a bad guy maybe he's in with the gang or maybe has some weird sex thing and he really wants to be the air white to come stay with him in his bed tonight one of the other one or other, but then just nothing. He's just like, all right, see ya. And then he's out of the movie. He's gone. There's no-

I think this might explain a lot of it. I have a sneaking suspicion that this movie was originally shot as a film that turned out to be like four and a half hours long and they decided to make a trilogy of it because I think he's gonna play a much bigger part in the next movie. Oh my god. Or at least a pre-crested. The people who made the fucking Hobbit trilogy are like, come on, move this thing along. trilogy of it because i think he's gonna play a much bigger part in the next movie all my success the people who made the fucking hobbit trilogy are like come on move this thing along uh...

uh... uh... walk faster walk faster yeah this is this is half a movie tops like it's this is not three movies sorry yeah no shit because i thought airc robert's was like i will be in your movie on one condition my character better be ambiguously ambiguously gay and totally creepy and I just want to be in one completely pointless scene and then I'm done. That's it. That's what those are my conditions.

Steve, what I'm giving you. You got it. Hey, what was it like? It was great to fuck Angelina Jolie, okay? It was great to fuck Angelina Jolie. Read the t-shirt. So then Ray Wise calls him and sees if he wants to come have some grilled burgers. You know, because he's the most confusing thing in the world because he looks at his phone and it says Rachel, his wife. Am I crazy? And so he's, so what happened here is his wife called and then he didn't answer and then the phone rang again and he answered it thinking it was gonna be

his wife calling right back and it turned out to be Ray White. Oh, I didn't hear that he didn't, okay, I didn't grab that because he's using a fucking flip phone from the late 90s so I couldn't really tell. But then, okay, what I wanna know, because they do this fucking thing that they do so often in shitty movies, where just answers and starts talking and telling his life story for an hour.

Like, hey babe, I just, I got to pass and I just so much stuff, I haven't told you. And then, you know, it's 10 minutes later, Ray Wise is like, hello, oh, this is not, whoever that is. Like, I want to know if you like, if you, if you call, just call me and start just just talking like you're like you're you know David A. R. White Hey, I just miss this Thomas this is Thomas this is Thomas that's what I know that I'm Stop saying that That thing fun fact that's a lot of what me and Thomas's phone conversation No, Thomas don't tell me don't tell me about that thing. He did no don't tell me please

And then we after the awkward phone call where he thinks that dude's his wife. He goes to have burgers with him Be so that there can be more dude's his wife, he goes to have burgers with him. So that there can be more characters in this movie that want to fuck David A.R. White, because apparently David Ray White's wife wants to fuck him too. And she looks terrible. Grandma looks like a poorly made clay pigeon.

She looks like Mr. Rogers first attempted drag. Yeah. Yeah. Grab a look like Kirstie Ali. Yeah, I don't follow up. You don't have to say anything. She looks like Kirstie Ali the actress.

So then we get this just, oh my god, you could spread this dialogue on a fucking cracker. This whole, you're a hero. Oh, I'm not a hero I'm too humble to be a hero. You're our hero. It's Un-fucking believable the amount of cheese that they managed to squeeze into this one god damn scene Oh, and then are we to the point where she's clearing plates? Yeah, okay, so the granddaughter clears some ceramic plates and like a plastic looking glass. And then she goes in the house, and in the distance, we hear like the sound

of a light bulb shattering somehow. Like the glass noise that they use, the glass sound effect is like, it's like this is a light pinch thing. What, if you drop a fucking ceramic plate, it's gonna be like, it's not so stupid. That was the most unrealistic part of this movie in my life. drop a fucking ceramic plate it's gonna be that gwamlongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongongong Academy. While they're eating, Boris and Natasha are hunting

rabbits in the wilderness right outside of this guy's house watching with binoculars. What are they finding out? We're not doing this right now. They call the bus. Tom, they're making burgers. Yeah. And the grill is a pretty nice bottle. It's got a bun warmer and a sauce rack. Yes. I don't fucking get it. So then yeah, and then we have to have some more cheesy dialogue.

Well, Ray Weiss tells him that, you know, he's been there and the soldiers, they don't care. And you come back and the only thing they don't train for you for is coming home. And I watch my buddies die faced out in the mug like literally, literally, literally, and he says that we do do that joke that we do that is a reference to the big Lebowski he says the blood the bullets the body's lying face down in the mud I want to turn to grab your element it's it's a league game smokey it's a league game yeah oh god the

the the the the writing in this movie is like the lorum Ipsom of stilted writing It's so but eventually this whole like American flag bald eagle Crying in the background speech ends with you need Jesus because you have PTSD right the cure for PTSD Is Jesus and I wrote my notes there we go. There's the poisonous message. I've been waiting for yeah, yeah But the acting was so good. I know you're making fun of it, but he's really good. I almost converted. Like, I said, and not to mention that,

the juxtaposition of the Ray Wise, who in my opinion, I've, you know, say what you want. I think he's a great fucking actor. He's giving this speech like this really heart-felt speech about fucking, I don't know, Vietnam or some serious shit serious shit and then we get David our white and his fucking frosted tips and his dumbass like marshmallow face. He's a rapier version of Ben Raffasberger though. So we get it.

So like the contrast of the good actor saying like I know how you feel. I know how you feel. It's you face down in the mud your fucking fight is doing this great brilliant monologue and then we see this fucking marshmallow face like no that guy doesn't know yeah it was a veteran of the battle of the pants he gets out acted by a door later it's ridiculous so then we get the waving goodbye amidst suspenseful string music thing because apparently the bikers are coming

Eventually not anytime soon, but we're getting suspenseful music in advance of that I guess and a thunder strike Oh, yes always always and by the way, why is everyone Terrified by weather in this movie the actually dogs when thunder halli every time thunder strikes a bottle No, just false alarm just read it the right to really often cut where ray wise is giving this like really good suspicious look to the light he's like oh what the what's happened and they just smash cut to

ben ralthus burgers driving away and he's like by by now like just immediately goes from like this concern look and he's like okay see yeah yeah like just immediately goes from like this concern look and he's like, okay, I see yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's because he needs to check into a hotel owned by Dinesh D'Souza. Yeah, Dinesh D'Souza tells the only one in town. And then of course, there's earthquake lightning again once he gets there because God's having a Tantrum, right. And he's like, is that normal? Is the ground ever shake slightly in California? Is that weird? Is that ever happened in the desert area? And the guys like you want to talk about Hillary Clinton? No man for the third time. I don't want to talk about him. Let me buy this paper from you.

And then of course, meanwhile, back at evil, Biker camp, they're having a good punch like Bikers are want to do. Biker fight club Punchy make punchers and punches the best. Yeah, it's literally it says biff bam and the the bot Boris and Natasha find the camp because everywhere is on fire from the lightning They're like where's camp again. Oh, it's the one that's surrounded by lightning fire. Yeah, yeah, and they're at fight camp They're using my favorite style of fighting, which is okay? Okay, okay, you're winning now So then you punch punch punch punch okay now. I'll stop punching okay now you get to win and then It's like wow, it's a really close fight. It could go either way one minute one guy is doing a bunch of punching and then the other guy just stops. These people took the advanced stage

combat class that the people in loving the bad man took the basic stage. I see. Yeah. No, this was with Carl Weathers. It was for real. Yeah. So apparently Dexter's sister is mad that some Hori chick was hanging all over the boss when she walked up. So now she wants to challenge because like the one guy wins the fight and she's like, nobody can take me out and she's like, I'll fuck you up and you know, reminds everybody just how hot she's not. Right.

I wrote in my notes, oh, I hate it when couples fight at a party. And then she reveals here that they're related. I don't even fucking know flesh and blood. Yeah, yeah, and he says you're a mistake. Yeah, right. They have a we have a past conversation. So I guess you're supposed to be his daughter. Yeah, I think so. Who do I be? And then the head of this murderous biker gang gets everyone's attention by going listen. Biker gang gets everyone's attention by going listen

Guys gather round You might have loved one next stop stop the fighting. Yeah, right. We're gonna make rain We're gonna make rain everybody start with snaps Yes, well that was what's so fucking hilarious throughout this entire movie. The Biker gang, they're all like, you know, there's no swearing in this movie or anything. They're not even mildly swearing in this movie. So the Biker gang is like, well, gosh, fellows, you know, it's worked out quite well. So, uh, so yeah, James Vanderbike wins the little tournament they had going and beats up the bad guy from that man be Superman. That was the finals, I guess. So he's the

punching winner and he gets to go murder Raywise. He gets picked. I guess down his evil universe, Tony Robbins, although that's hard. So the universe Tony Robbins. Yeah. Right. Tony Robbins. Meanwhile, back at that hotel, there's more apocalypseing on the I'm like, I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place.

I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the wrong place. I'm gonna be in the fan y'all right and David our whites in the room and while he's listening to this he also hears a woman being beaten next door yeah and someone curls his fist for him while he's listening to it he's like dr. strange love but just with the fist apparently makes it really hard on his wife you know he starts out fingering on our all of a sudden, oh my god. So, but yeah, yeah, so it, but it's not his business. Only a Christian would get involved in something like that.

So he just sits down and lets the guy beat up his wife next to him. Well, he goes and he's like, hey, do you need help? And again, this is where he gets out acted by a door. She's like, go away. Well, the guy has left. The husband drives away. And then he's like, okay, I'm gonna go talk to her. Yeah, right.

And she tells him to fuck off. Yeah, right. And she's a little bit bruised up or something. Yeah, the abuse of husband must have run a small piece of sandpaper across the side of her lips. Seven of the nights. It looks very rough and abrasive. It looks both fun.

Yeah, the makeup on this was even bad. So yeah, yeah. And then, of course, we've got to cut back to Ray Weiss for a second, who is apparently standing at his door, thanking God. And the daughter's like, can you just close your door and thank God? Can you not hear you? Can you just free your door? Yeah, he can't hear me if I don't.

God, this is an iron door. That's the thing. You can't get through an iron thing. It's lead. It's like Superman's lead. His is iron. I have to admit, I was very ashamed of how invested I was in the movie at this point.

Like the blackers, I was like, oh, Ray, why? So I hope you're okay. And then I had a metamoment where I was like, I should kill myself. Yes. At this point, the bikers are sneaking around, right? Or like at some point in this, they're, they're staying around and they've got their helmets on still.

Like, what I love about this dangerous biker gang is they're all about safety. Like they don't wanna, you can trip on a rock out there and walk your nog in, too. Yeah, so you don't wanna do that. So they have their like weird spiked helmets that they just wear at all times. Like they're all times, yes.

They're wearing like elbow pads. Yeah. When they're sneaking around yes they're wearing like elbow pads when they're sneaking around and trying to not go out to get a little bit of a picture of it. Does it some catchers gear on like just in case you might fall also he you have a note here that was so amazing that I went back and watched this scene to verify that it's true can you explain what Ray wise is nodding along to in his Bible? I went back into 100% true. Exactly right.

He picks up the Bible. He opens up the cover. Yes. And he's nodding along to very clearly the publishing information on the inside of him. You can see it. It's like 2009. 2009.

19 edition. Nice. Well, the thing is, that's as far as you ever got. He's like, I'm already, yeah, I believe this. I don't need to read the details. Also Raywise could not be doing more stereotypical things. He's clean in his gun and reading his Bible. I wanted him to start slowly folding an American flag that was over the top of the ball

of the eagle. Yeah, watching the O'Reilly factor. Yeah, right. So meanwhile, back at the hotel, the the cross in the hotel is staring him down so that he'll go help the abused hooker next door. The Hindu guy who owns the hotel and puts an elephant in the lobby puts a cross

in the room. Yes, really. He actually has a Ganesha statue in the fucking office, which we see so that we'll know later that he's not a good Christian, but yeah, he puts crosses in every fucking room. And then the junky chick that didn't want his help shows up and does want his help. Well, she's like, hey man, I remembered, I'm a hooker.

You wanna, you wanna fuck me? And I wrote my notes, please fuck this hooker, David R. White. Please, please fuck this hooker David our white Please fuck this hooker and save your movie save your movie I thought it was going because he goes I can't just hand you the money you got to earn it And I was like awesome. I'm back That was subtle just watch David our white be like say your names Ray say your names Yep your name's Ray. Say your name's Ray. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yes, this fucking you're the same as me speech that the Hamlet monkeys would have been embarrassed by Ten minutes. What if a minister read suburbia watch Jack Reacher and took peyote

Yeah, yeah, and and like he's doing this like he's given the other the whole like oh, I've done terrible things But I've've changed. And she's like, there's no force on earth except maybe Jesus that can change you from what you are on the inside. And then just then, the boyfriend shows up. Now keep in mind, the boyfriend is in a car. So neither of them heard a car pull up right next to them. He's standing in a parking lot. How I'm like it. Richie is standing there and Richie looks like a waiter at TGIF. I was

expecting him to be like, hey guys, you ready to hear the specials? He started two inches out of screen and just like, said like, hey, what's going on? Like the media like he says, there's no car door sound because the door to the hotel room is open. There's he's standing outside yeah he's he's standing in the door away yeah exactly so he he looks like Richard Jenny auditioning for the sopranos yeah he just comes up hey brother and just immediately but so he wants to know what the fuck this guy is doing with his wife and then he tries to rob him which is the third time today that somebody has tried to rob this guy.

And Noah, I don't want any trouble. You don't want to do it. I don't want to. Well, you can see though why this guy sells bullet professes in his world, you need these constantly. Also, they literally have, so he goes dead zone right? Because the guy attacks you. Yeah, yeah.

They literally have a slap fight. Yeah. Yeah. Literally like, well, we forgot to say that we've established this guy as a professional goes dead zone right because the guy actually yeah they literally have a slap fight yeah like what we forgot to say that we've established this guy's a professional fighter oh yes yes yes yes the white said he's a professional fighter he's gonna kick

your ass and uh... based on his physique i i know a little something about ufc he's not a professional fighter i don't think he does a lot of curls but that's about it but it does have a box cutter. Yeah.

Yeah. Like literally a box cutter. And by the way, this isn't the only scene that did this. This movie now has three fights between adult men that include open-handed slapping. This is the third of three. This is how I am at, whenever I like there's a mean guy on the subway bothering people, this is how I imagine I would win Like me be like I better know karate. I saw it man twice

Beat him up on the fly swatter. It's a marriage. You can also listening to Evan essence on my phone I just don't want to come to the evidence that like I'd be unstoppable And then so okay, so like why any woman bitching in the background has been a big theme of this movie so far, but it reaches its peak in this scene. Oh my God. So he knocks the box cutter with an especially hard slap out of his bitch's hand.

He's like, I have the exact slap technique for that box cutter here. We do it for him. And puts him in a show called, which looks like a third grader's drawing of a show called. He's like, I put both my elbows on your chin, and then I tith her your earlobes. Yeah.

And then in slow motion, she's like, jeeeeeeeey feet. Jeeeeyly hear her. Andeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet,

Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet,

Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, Jeeey-beet, during this scene. I just stop the movie and leave the room. Well, that's the thing. I thought about when I saw it, when I heard that, I paused the movie, I'm cracking up, I'm like, oh my god, I'm going to have to play that clip. And then it occurred to me

that if you don't know that it's this, if you haven't heard this young woman talking up until then, it's just, yeah, it's just sliced alone, saying stop it, you're killing me. And so she hits him with a lamp, and I so wanted her to grab his nuts and go biblical there sorry just that it wasn't actually the lamp it was an ornamental asian vaz that this shitty little motel that i think i thought that's it was and and then and then a little girl shows up and she's like mommy daddy what's going on and then she come from it's the magic soundless car apparently. I don't know. She's outside. Yeah, we're coming in from the angle made It looked like she came from like a back room or it was really confusing

She was turning a trick. She just got finished. I feel like the director was like just stand outside the camera and just come That's how we do entrances in this movie like you just if you're not on camera and then you become on camera that's an entrance it doesn't really matter what the little girl is such a stupid I mean the none of the plot makes sense but it's such a stupid move plot wise because He's abusive to his girlfriend. It's a classic like bad guy thing but then the girl comes in and she's like why are you hurting my daddy and we're supposed to be like oh David or white you hurting my daddy? And we're supposed to be like, oh, David are white, you heard her daddy. And it's like, no, remember, he was just beating up your mommy. Like, which of these characters am I supposed to be rooting? It's not like David are like, just went and next door and started to beat the shit out of some family. Bring it on, motherfucker.

I don't understand it because they try to make it look like the fighter and the girl, the prostitute, are like the good people or something, because they're like, I don't even know. She hasn't eaten in two days. And I'm like, wait a minute, you have a fully gasped up car,

you're staying in a hotel room. And she hasn't eaten in two days, are you fucking nuts? Just buy her some food. Just give her food, that's all of that, done. At the end of the night at Fridays, he can get extra chicken whenever they need in well and then yeah so but then he decides to give him some money because they haven't eaten and they have a kid and she's like I don't want to take your charity he's he's just

it's not charity it's for teaching me that I haven't changed I'm still a ninja badass whether I like it right there's 50 bucks for trying to strangle you to death and for that lesson I learned call it even perfect Oh, and by the way, you were right about that philosophical discussion we had earlier I think you quoted yates who is very No force can change a person probably true probably true good talk And the thing we so what we've established here is that David A.R. White has a past He has a he has a dark badass past that he's been running from.

I just have to say, he's fucking saved by the bell haircut. Belonging a dark past that no one with a fucking frosted tip Zach from saved by the bell haircut has a dangerous dark past. It just doesn't fucking exist. If I were to pick a thousand people at random from planet Earth, he would be the thousand and first that I would say okay I guess he might have a path any other person might have a path it's so funny looking at his fucking stupid marshmallow face and he's supposed to be this badass yeah so and then we

cut to this vending machine face off between him and the boss so he shows up at the vending machine and he doesn't have quite enough change because he just gave all his money to the to the hooker lady and then the bus shows up at the vending machine and he doesn't have quite enough change because he just gave all his money to the to the hooker lady and then the bus shows up out of nowhere completely dressed like a biker helmet and everything and going here's a quarter for you and they have this like later on we're gonna have to kill each other conversation right and he's just could not care less that he's talking to stone cold Steve Austin if he worked for Cruella Deville. Oh man you got an extra quarter thanks I appreciate it. Why

are you wearing a bear skin that seems odd. I want it so bad for somebody to throw red paint on Bosworth's. And just again just so that you understand how cheesy the dialogue is. What Brian Bosworth is saying is like, there are no heroes in the world anymore. He asks him if he's a warrior, he says, are you a warrior? And David R. White isn't like, that's the craziest thing anyone's ever asked him.

He's just like, yeah, I'm kind of a warrior. Have you noticed my frosted tips? I'm also in a smash mouth cover band. I'm just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha. They just lifted this part from gangs of new york right he's just like i killed the last honorable man and then you know i've not familiar with that movie it's just that they just

i'm just i'm just i'm honestly offended at the point of almost uh... uh... season up here over comparing the dialogue in this god that the ganks of the ganks of york you god damn york this definitely could have been in that movie though no i think that this the whole is all deal but i thought that yes conceptually yes exactly but the dialogue was

edged into a chalkboard with fingernails school mail chain mail lower sleeves are nice you do a lot of sword combat mostly hammer combat mostly hammer is mostly hammer but some swords we're kind of backing on a post-apocalyptic you know biker world what do you think about that for wearing all this fur but it's chilly tonight isn't it it's chilly right and meanwhile you've got Brian Bosworth who looks like he could just bite your head off from a distance and he's talking to the fucking illegitimate love child of Jimmy Olson and Jay Leno and as fucking David A.R. White walks away he goes finally somebody worth fighting

yeah that guy's fucking stupid face that's where fighting David A.R. White looks like he got a case of gigantism but just in his brow nose and chin. It didn't make it past that. Even if our white was actually the reason scientists started looking into whether or not we interbred with Neanderthals. We might have actually, hold on, let's get this guy into the lab. He looks like a cartoon penguin after a bad divorce just like She's not a 19 year old at a college bar got my own place. I mean the whole basement's my my parents live upstairs This haircuts this hairstyle is still cool, right? It was it was cool back when I Before I got married. Is it cool? It's cool now, right? Just still cool. I once met Chris Hardwick at a rehab center right? Just still cool. I want to make Chris Hardwick at a rehab center.

So yes, David A.R. White and Brian Bosworth are going to fight not in this movie, but eventually. And if that's not enough to give you the attention, I, you know, I don't have anything for you. So we're going to leave you on that ominous gem. But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will Aryan J. Leto make it home to his family? Will Chris Aunt, head at Owen Wilson meet anyone that doesn't want to fuck him? Will Redneck-Jerard Deppardew ever find out who keeps clenching his fist? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the movies just kind of over conclusion of Revelation Road, the beginning of the end.

Okay, Brotherhood of the Biker Gang, I call this meeting to order. Yeah. Alright, first up I'd like to welcome Brother Firegram to the gang. Okay, brotherhood of the biker gang, I call this meeting to order. Yeah. All right, first up, I'd like to welcome brother I can fuck some shit. Oh wait watch your language man I mean come on f-bombs really. Yeah. I swear it up. Wait I'm sorry do you guys do you guys not swear? Swearing shows a lack of respect for the people around you very much so in in order to get into this gang i had to kill an eda guy right now what's your point

well it just seems kind of stupid to do that and then not whoa now that's attacking language okay I mean try rephrasing from your feelings and try not to hurt mine here's the speaking stick I'm sorry this this giant hammer is the speaking stick? Yes it is. Safe space! And we're back for more spontaneous,

karate and whatnot, and we're going to start things off in the middle of a god damn Norman Rockwell painting with Ray Weiss at its head So it's just so that we can be reminded that he's a family man who families with his family Right, and they might as well just sit there holding each other They're literally dancing back and forth the two parents and they might as well just sing the nobody is ever gonna murder a song We're gonna live forever. Nobody's gonna shoot us forever. Okay. Right, but then all of a sudden, they notice something for somehow.

I just want to, I just want to Dan Acroid to pop out. Listen, do you smell that? Yeah, right. It's atheists. No, you guys, it's the same fucking glass shattering sound effect from when she dropped the glass That's that's yeah, so that's how we know the motorcycle gang is outside because they brought some fucking what some Glasses and maybe a wine glass or something and they said oh Juggler get ready to raid your house. Yeah, yeah, so Raywise here's something and is prepared to stand his ground. Now again, the gun handling in this movie, he walks to the front door. Apparently there's a loaded

shotgun just leaning against the fucking closet right there, loaded safety off. So he just picks up his shotgun and walks out the door. Shotgun first. I'm like, yeah, this is not, this is not advisable. This is like fucking Joe Pesci with the owl and Mike doesn't vineyard something. They don't get mail anymore. Yeah. The FedEx has a fucking big red X on that house. Grandma looks like the witches and hocus pocus before they get their youth back. What can I do for you? Stand right enough because I can't get over it. The motorcycle gang is coming and they make ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Like home alone exactly exactly so yeah, and then they start shooting the house the bet the bikers do Just from every direction and then grandpa has to turn to grandma and the grand-owner and say get down And they're like that is a great idea. We did not think of that because we're women

But first he but for before he tells them to get down he says go stand together in the middle of the room where it's safe right over there Which is what they do first and then he's like, oh yeah, you know what? Down. That's good. And then he slides grandma pistol because ladies can gun too. And then grandma just like immediately, she's Jason born too, she shoots some dude out the window, hits him three times in the head. And then Ray Wise is disturbingly turned on by this.

Yes, a really weird moment which is the good with the bad guy the reaction for a wise there it's there in the middle of a gunfight it's crazy he just he stops smiles at her and says like yeah it's like his kid just scored a point in fact or something he's like oh good job good on you you know you just killed a guy yeah go sport ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha more earlier in this movie flashbacks. And this is where he's having his wife-life flashing before him. So like, this is when I met my wife and this is when I fucked her and then we got married. This is the greatest.

I wanted so badly for there to be a flash in her being like, you want me to do it to you? She's just painting on a mustache happy anniversary But instead in every scene that in his entire memory of her she's wearing her hair the same or makeup is done the same She's in the same clothes, you know, it's like I and they managed to fuck them all up like they're all There's something wrong with every single flashback. When she, okay, so there's the flashback of the proposal, right? She's wearing the ring already and she says, yes, I think I'll do it.

Like, what is that? Like, hey, honey, put on this ring real quick. And then, then after that, I'm gonna ask you something again. He'll doubt me. Or was she like, okay, I might say yes, but can I just try it on first? I want to be like, sure. Let me see how happy it is. And then, okay, yes, she like okay? I might say yes, but can I just try it on first? Let me see how heavy it is and then Okay, yes, okay, you know what you know what yes, okay, I'll marry yeah, okay, perfect Okay, yes, and then there's a scene where she's pregnant

But she's having the baby in like a sack that's under her vagina The baby is so low that it's like I don't know like the magic trick in the What the fuck's that movie the prestige the prestige with the big guy? Yeah, the guy in the prestige who's keeping those giant like What is George's water yeah fish bowl is tongue-ling Sue Sorry, sorry nobody cares about magic. I forgot Chungling Sue Sorry, sorry nobody cares about magic. I forgot

This is where we also get a shot of David our white taking his shirt off to like have a brood about his memory Moment and they have to shoot him like a pregnant actress. He's like lily in season six He does not have a good body. There's like a fucking far away National geographic lens of his stomach and you're like oh David baby give up white potatoes white sugar and white flour well and then of course at this point it occurs to him to call his wife now he has not called his wife since the big murderings earlier or whatever it's been a

whole goddamn day and he's like you know what I should probably tell her about the meat killing those people and everything. Well, in his mind, in his mind, he already had a 10 minute conversation with her, except it was with Ray White. Yeah, so in his mind, he was like, yeah, I talked to her for at least a half an hour. Oh, that turned out to be another guy, yeah.

Yeah. So meanwhile, back at the shootout at the ranch, granddaughter is calling the cops, and then they throw in some tear gas. Because you know how you like to, you like to use the tear gas late in the gun fight. Yeah, we've, are we sure this is an Obama coming for their guns? Like, me too. Also, by the way, apparently part of the biker siege tactics is somebody fires an automatic weapon into the air every so often just so it sounds cool.

Yeah, right. Whoever loses that punch fight has to be the soundtrack bitch. I have so many notes about the gun, the gun play and the gun. Okay, so first off, they're just loading guns. They're just shooting guns into this house for like an hour. Just imagine what that would look like. Let's, should we go in? Now, let's just keep shooting at the house for like an hour. Just imagine what that would look like. Let's should we go in. Now let's just keep shooting at the house for like a half hour and they shouldn't have built the house out of

crumbly blue cheese because that's all because again because there's no actual gun anything. It's just the sound of a gun and then a Photoshop flash. So what they do is they just throw bits of crumbly blue cheese and by the way, safety glass. I don't know if you noticed that. All the glass bits are like the little beads that, you know, like would be in a windshield. If you're windshield shatters, but I'm pretty sure that like windows high quality housing wouldn't, that wouldn't be how it would break, I don't think. Yeah, they made it completely out of sugar glass.

But also, okay, so once the tear gases in grandma and granddaughter try to sneak out the back window you know because now apparently the house is become unsafe and and this in this i had to rewind this just to make sure so grab a walks out first she has a gun in her left hand then the granddaughter starts to come out she reaches back in with her gun hand

to help the girl out. She like brings the gun across the little girl's body and then pulls her out of the window with the gunhand. Hands, fingers still on the trigger. Here, here, bite down on the barrel and I'll pull you out. It's true. What? But that's, but it's too late because Zena,

the warrior princess, is Down syndrome daughter is there She's gonna stop them, but this character has given us every indication She doesn't want to be in this biker gang so completely unsurprisingly. She's like go the girl can go Oh, and also you can everyone can go yeah I'm gonna go too. Well, I'll go. Let's go. I'm a good guy. I made like four good guy faces already in this movie.

So remember. And then of course, we got to cut back to David, our air white who is now confessing his Jason Bournness on the phone there. Right. It was easy. I'm good at it. And gosh darn it people like it Stuart

Smully action hero again I just wanted the wife to be like no there's no way this is true like have you seen yourself like you don't you don't have this past this checkered past I'm sorry broke your finger playing the piano He's like killing people is the only thing I've ever been good at I'm like it's sure not producing movies So yeah, can you put my husband back on the phone? This is not the aging boy band reject can you can you maybe find him? Yeah, this is not the chubby Ben Rathas burger face Yeah, I'm looking for the guy who looks like a marshmallow peep that went through puberty and the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the So yeah, yeah, so and then of course Meanwhile Dexter's sister was trying to like tell everybody that that they could go But all the bad biker gang thought you know, hey, maybe we checked the back door So it's too late and they find grandma a granddaughter got away though. Yeah grand our girl way

They surround grandma and grandpa with flares. Yeah, I have road flares And they're like, ooh, we got. And it's like, you have to case they need to redirect traffic. I expect somebody to land again. They are big on safety. They're like, no, we just redirect the track. Okay, can you there's a car coming? Can you tell it to slow down and then get the other one to go first? And then that one can go. And where your helmet the whole time?

I've put that helmet on, Mr. Also, by the way, there's a porch light back where they are. They could chuck down the road flares. Yeah, don't be. Everybody can see, everybody. Well, I think it's just because they're really creepy. We never get to use the flares though. Yeah.

So I've had these flares for like 10 years. I've never gotten to use it for anything. As when Brian Bosworth shows up to kill them with a giant hammer. Yes, he brings out his cosplay error. Do you know where I got this hammer? Yeah, he says you see this? I got it at Halloween adventure. Yeah, the key is to go after Halloween. The prices are fantastic. He's like, you know how many tickets I had to win in that fucking off weekend,

but just like, I was there. For months and a half, I slept in the arcade. I will use this to kill you now. You know those big hammerbell games, the carnival. Well, I won this by ringing the bell. Yeah. I couldn't have really big stuffed animal, but I didn't.

I got some, man. By the way, Webster webster's dictionary defines vengeance says Well, he goes I call this vengeance and I go no you don't earlier you called it the hammer right? Yeah, exactly I have since come up with a better name As you guys from now on I'm gonna say unleash the vengeance instead of the hammer to be awesome So yeah, he gives him this like instead of the hammer to be awesome. So yeah, he gives him this like, I made this hammer to vanquish, that's what literally what he said.

I made this to vanquish my enemies, I call it vengeance. That is literally the god damn line. Is he a blacksmith too? Was there a guy who missed that? Yes, I guess you fucking fight camp. Yeah, we're gonna find that. He's a traveling hammer salesman We're gonna see a prequel about his years at the Renaissance fair

Yeah, if that were a real hammer, you know many different disciplines went into make like there's all kinds of shit all over It's obviously all plastic, but like if it were real How would he have made that he would that took a lot of time? He had to take a lot of time off of gangster In general, they're like where's where's the boss? Oh, he's been working on that fucking hammer for a year. Yeah, when did you I haven't done any robbing. It's been like 85 months. I'm spackling god You understand that when you put a handle into hot metal It's gonna crack the wood unless you make sure that there's varnish Brother and of course as they're standing around getting ready to hammer them to death amidst the road flares

Ray why is this asking God to forgive them? Yeah, and while he's asking also he gets sort of countered like Bosch turns into Peter Bregozian for a second wants to know about whether or not good faith is a good way to know true things So walk him through Jesus in the Easter bunny. And he's like, just hammer me, just fucking hammer me. I don't know. I want to just hit me with the fucking hammer at a certain point.

And of course, at the same time, we're cutting back to Owen Wilson, I mean, David A.R. White, talking to his wife about how, like, you know, God can't love me because I'm a super karate ninja. And Jesus doesn't love super karate ninja. Yes, he does. Honey, is this a movie you just watched? What are you telling me?

There's no way. Honey, you are the most pathetic, no offense. I'm a married you, but you're the, you can't even swing a golf club properly. Like you can't do anything. There's no way this is you. So and then the greatest thing that could possibly happen happens. Everybody gets rapture!

Just before the boss can hammer them to death, the fucking rapture happens! I just sort of fuck this. I just got reminded this is a three-part rapture movie. God damn it. But what happens is there's just a bright-ish light yeah for like what feels like 48 minutes So the boss like he could have just kept hammering In a second yeah, I'm gonna look up at that light in about a minute Let me just hammer these guys real quick and then I will look at the light, but no there's a vague light So they have to just stare up at it like idiots for an hour. Yeah, it's like oh, let's look at should we hammer him now? And everyone everyone runs out of Dinesh to Susa's hotel to look at the lights

So there's people all gathered outside the hotel. I'm sorry, but it must be a busy season at the priest fuck Motel here. There's like nine 900 every damn door like somebody comes out and it goes, what's that big ol' that in the sky? And two teenagers go, it's Jesus. We're gonna get raptured just for better than we are. Oh my God, that pathetic teenager kid is so, that dude has never gotten late. That's why he gets raptured.

Cause he's like, it must be him who who? Jesus He's like all excited. It's Jesus And he's like when Chuckie cheese comes over to your table when you're nine He's gonna get too excited and throw up He's gonna get too excited and throw up And by the way whatever happened to the thief in the night shit I'm apparently thief in the night means military grade flash

At that point just yell out I accept Jesus just do it right now. You're all good Well, I'm not that, but Jesus gives you a second chance because all the like kind of good people That haven't accepted Jesus in the movie we see them and then we hear this deep voice going like Accept me Elizabeth. Hey girl. It's me Why don't you and me sit down by the fire? There's a guy who says when the light happens he goes is that the northern lights and then he gets raptured like is that all it takes to like You just some shitty guess about what the lights are and then you're good that gentleman is bill Yeah, he has a black wife and he gets raptured and his black wife does not know Yeah, yeah, and that's phenomenal now

I wrote in my notes. What did you do, black wife? What did you do? Well, I think God saw him and was like, I'm just gonna spare him from all the fucking nagging that's gonna happen right now. Let's just wrap her. He's not very good, but you know, he thought I was the Northern Rotlites, which is the dumbest thing I've ever done in life, but I'm just gonna wrap her in many way because God, the nagging that's happened. So, and then, but now before anybody can get rapture they have to turn into the pulp fiction briefcase momentarily. Right.

Right. Everyone turns into lens flare. Yeah. Think of all the angels, JJ Abrams is created. Right. Ed, we learned that you can't just grab the good people like night crawler either and get that. No.

No. Apparently not. You get electrified. So that worked. Yeah. God thought of that. Jesus, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no And we get the, this is what's called in the business, the firmament's eye view of all the souls escaping the earth together from space. Right, but because the earth is round, they're all going different directions. Right, why would they? Right, right.

So is it Mormon, heaven where they all get a different planet or whatever, that's not in college? No, here's how it works. To get from earth to heaven, you want to head toward the camera. That's what you want to do. You want to head anywhere away from earth and to, apparently. I mean, my first thought is, okay, well, yeah, okay, I guess heaven isn't in a particular direction, but then I'm like, but then why would the power pellets need to go anywhere?

And they just disappear. Yeah, where are they going? So, yeah, they all go in every possible direction. Also, I find it very odd that there was an even distribution of souls over the oceans as well. There's some Christian fish out there. That's why they use this one. I just want to flash forward like an hour to where the, you know, Ray Wises wife or like, did you could you ask for direction? Where the fuck

is. There's no. There's not in space. I know we're going. direction where the fuck is there's a gas giant here let's stop with this gas giant let's stop and go ask those Jewish people. There's a gas giant here. Let's stop at this gas giant. Let's just ask for directions. I'm sure we find we're all the clients. I got it. We're good.

And then we get the post-rapture freak out. Okay, so we've seen this in a number of movies before. But in most of those movies, everybody didn't see the person glow and then turn into a power pellet rise up into the sky and yet despite all of that like black white is going bill bill where are you is like you didn't i mean we do you think of you yell out enough he's gonna go back down you know it's

like oh shit honey i'm so sorry i was about to go to heaven and escape all the whatever happened surely yelling bill 400 times is gonna undo that And my favorite thing about this stupid premise when you really see the rapture at work is like right the second I'm standing next to Eli well, he would never get rapture Never mind the second I'm standing next to someone who's not a horrible person like Eli, who starts glowing, I'd be like, I accept Jesus easy, easy, easy. Easy, easy, easy.

Like right when you see it happening, it's like, oh, that's all I needed. It's not some spiritual journey. I just needed to see that that's real. And then we're good. I accept Jesus when a light bulb goes off in my house, like if it pops up. I'm like, I'm scared. And it's like, what happened? Nothing light bulb goes off in my house like if it pops

Like what happened nothing light bulb when I just Make just covering your bases quick grab match. Oh, no that doesn't work And it's not just the black wife by the way It's also the boss who just watched these two old people turn into power pellets right in front of him is like find them Figure out where they went and everybody's like, up, up you dumb ass. We were all watching. You're still blacksmithing our space shuttle unfortunately. That one you haven't quite finished, so we can't really go up into fucking space and find them.

And this is when, so the rapture has just happened, people turned into balls of light and floated into the heavens, but Dinesh D'Souza is still very insistent that everyone pulls the spell bell. At rifle point, yes, everybody tries to drive away because they're afraid. And so he pulls out. Do you not take credit cards? Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah,

didn't you get a card on file point? No way. How, if they trash the room, what would you do? Like, threaten them with a ranting rifle. Yeah, I guess. The Apocalypse is over. The sniper rifle, dude, didn't seem like the right gun for the job.

Yeah, it's like, stop looking through the scope. Also, you're five feet away from everyone, he's lining them up with a sniper rifle. So now we cut to the granddaughter running away from the bikers. And it's really fantastic because now I understand what Kurt Cameron meant by run like you just got your legs because that's exactly what this girl is doing.

They're going sideways, one's going one way or the other, the other, yeah, it's not. It's not good. She's a 20 year old trying to play a teenager. She's like, do they know how to run? I can't remember. And then she comes across a random stranger who looks like, kind of looks like Charlie Day only dumb, like really, really, like a really dumb Charlie day. Kind of like Steve Carell isn't hurting anyone.

Yeah. I'm just sitting there making a hobo fire in a field, waiting for high school girls to wander by. Hang on. He's just sitting there making a hobo fire in a field waiting for high school girls to wander by. Hang on. She looks like the dollar store version of Bert Reynolds. It's like, I can't, but it's not Bert Reynolds. Like it's my fucking note for this is this guy is not Jesus. I don't give a shit if there are a hundred thousand real Jesus is on earth right now.

He is not, he is not Jesus. There's no fucking way. No, but apparently in this movie he is, or he's an angel, or something, because when she runs by, she's like, excuse me, stranger, help me. And he's like, yeah, just stand right here. They won't be able to see it. It's like an invisibility cloak thing,

but with Jesus. Yeah, exactly. And I looked this guy up, and I might actually convert after this. That guy is 60 years old. Wow. I'm not I thought he was like in his 30. Yeah, it's incredible. You should see it. That's true Um, so yeah, but apparently they can't see him. This isn't the granddaughter they're looking for because Jesus is standing there with a Fucking thing. Oh, do you have that? You know sexy?

So yeah, she's like oh wow, that was pretty that in your nose too? I'm gonna stick to it. This is the girl you're looking for. Yeah. So yeah, she's like, oh wow, that was pretty cool. So are you, are you the guy? Like, Fidelio? Aids party? No, are we not? Okay. Yeah, because you look way too dumb looking to be Jesus.

Are you Jesus? I mean, I don't, your ears are like, your ears are the size of your whole head. Like, your ear looks like the same size or components.. Your ear looks like the shame size. So it's kind of like the Disney logo. You're kind of like, yeah. So you're not him. Are you, you're just some weird thing he sent, right?

He can't actually be you. And she's just a fibrely pissed. She's like, well, why didn't you rapture me asshole? I'm a kid, I haven't done anything wrong. And he's like, you're a very important part of God's plan. Yeah, yeah, it's it's but stuff by God as a plan for everyone question for you. Have you ever felt really full? I mean really truly full It's gonna come up later. I just want to yeah, just curious and then he Bruce banners the fuck out of there and disappears And they were also sorry real quick

He before he does that he's he's a very very close talker. He gets Up in there. Yeah, he leans in for a kiss. It seems like he gets denied and then he runs away awkwardly Which is the then right story Also in Eli Bosnick story actually that's how we met. Hahaha. Well he hasn't spent a whole lot of time around people in a while so he doesn't really remember how they work. Is like do they like this?

Do they like going right up in their ear? Over-vaccinated Jesus. And also by the way so she says to him she's like, hey over-vaccinated Jesus, you know why didn't you rap for me? And he's like did you ever ask? Like fuck you! Did you, is that like a dude? Like no, no, I never specifically asked not to live in fucking demon world and get raped by thorny dicks for nine months until you're fucking

Star things shows up with its key to unlock the fucking horse locusts. I assumed you knew. What is this the fucking don't please don't eat the daisies of the rapture? Well now you know what happens when you assume. So she drops to her knees and prays. And then we cut to David our white who is not super he's pretty nonplussed by the rapture Uh-huh, but he just witnessed but he takes off his shirt and we see that on his lower back He has whip scars. He's he's Toby. Yeah, I thought it was just a really bad tramp stamp I don't know he's trying to have a move. He's like I got a pass I've got a pass. I have the tattoo removed. She says, yeah, it's my old band.

I thought Hanson was gonna last forever. No, stop, stop, I want him so bad to have PTSD flashbacks to Hanson concerts. Just him at the front row, pushing 11 year old girls out of his way. The only thing that explains is 90s surfer dude haircut that he still faces a good not yet. So yeah, and of course we see the hotel owner guy camping outside with his, you know, to enforce his pay me or I'll murder you policy. And we got David A.R. White who is ninja badass, his family's just been raptured, everything else, and he's just sitting there going, hmm, how am I fat denesh disu-so with a fucking sniper rifle i can't imagine

and apparently that's enough suspense to end the movie yeah right it says to be continued and i thought well huh like what do we can do yeah right right what is this is it's like if you saw Why do we continue? Right. You said it right. What is it? It's like if you saw just like a fridge and then someone said to be continued. No, that's just a...

There's nothing here to continue. This is not... What are you talking about? It should just say to be started in the next movie. Right. All these things will be put together in a movie some day. There will be a movie in like trust in like three months actually.

Yes. Right. Yes, yeah, you know one of the entire trilogy was released in the same year you're dealing with high quality production. So, uh, so anybody want to make any predictions for part two? What to expect in the upcoming series? Well, I saw there was a moment that I don't know if you guys notice and maybe I am totally off base and I'm sure you'll tell me But do you remember when the boss saw the dead guy in the truck and he he was touching his like what would that be like I don't know part of his lower chest or whatever a little

Does he have a crucifix on is that we're gonna find out that he was wearing a crucifix the whole time and has like this complicated story with faith or something? I don't know. That was just a thought. It could be, could be nothing. Yeah, it's probably nothing giving the, given the writing style of this film. But yeah, that'd be a good way to utilize bosses acting chops in the next one. He's not buying this Jesus shit. My guess is that Willem DeFoe and a wig, otherwise known as David R White's wife, she's gonna turn out to be a good guy. Oh good call that would be a interesting twist. Twist. Okay well obviously masterpieces like this can't be reduced to five point rating scales

or thumb positions So rather than asking you to try to capture all its awesomeness with mere words I'm simply gonna wrap by asking you this when the apocalypse comes What signature melee weapon will you forge and what will you name it? Okay, well first of all don't be naive the end times are here First of all, don't be naive, the end times are here. Oh, it's up. I'm already forced it. And it's an enormous gavel because, you know, my, my biker gang theme is going to be all

about courtrooms and justice and stuff. Exactly. And all these cool catchphrases like, juries out, mother fucker, and then kill you with a gavel. Nice. Yeah, I call it judgment day. Oh nice. Nice.

I thought cool banter stuff. I was thinking, Judy, but yeah, yeah, you get more banter possibilities with with judgment day So I have giant nunchucks that I'm gonna form out of platinum. Oh nice that no man can lift except for me And I'm gonna call them pardon me See I I Because I'm a nerd and I play Diablo, there's a weapon called a crow bill. I'm gonna make one of those. And then when I kill people, I'm gonna be like,

I got a fever and the only prescription is more crow bill. And then we'll both have a good laugh and then I'll kill them. And that'll be funny every time. No, yeah, no, I get it. I get it from SNL, right? Yeah. Splat. All right, well, Thomas, I get it from SNL, right? All right, well, Thomas, congratulations. You reached the final, Shlide, but before we let you go, I have to know, are you going to be watching part two? Do you need to know now? Because we have no, I'll be here next week,

right? Yeah, same time. Okay. Yeah, it's all for long. Oh, man, I, I don't know that I'll be watching well It's hard to say I might I can't decide is impossible worst case scenario We'll fill you in in the next couple episodes So if our listeners wanted to hear a little more from you. Where should they go? Oh? Go to just search a theistically speaking or Thomas in the Bible anything like that company shoe shine I got all kinds of podcasts. I got a million, you name it, I have it.

No, just those three. Well, I was gonna say, we'll have the first three of your million linked on the show notes for the episode anyway. Thanks again for being part of the festivities today, bro. Oh, thank you guys so much. It was an honor, I fucking love the show is my favorite thing to listen to.

So thank you so much for letting me come on. You bet, man, you bet. And while that does it for our review of Revelation Road, the beginning of the end That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to say more words So Eli for the sake of formalities and what not tell us what's on deck Revelation road to lake of glass and fire It's actually kind of a cool

Subtitle there like it as I like that. I like that. I like that. I can't wait to be disappointed I mean the preview is 90% shit that happened in this first yeah including a face slap there's a face in the trailer open-handed slap in the trailer I cannot wait yeah also um he's gonna dress like a Jedi in the next one I should you not like half Jedi half. Yeah, apparently they set this second movie, at least according to the cover of the DVD that I had to buy in order to get this movie, because it's only on iTunes, it's not on Netflix. According to the cover, they set this movie in the dream sequence of Batman and Batman. The hamster World War I scene. Yeah. Awesome. Awesome.. Well, without we'll bring episode 34 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Thomas for suffering alongside us. If you want to check him out, you're in luck. You can find him on atheistically speaking, Thomas in the Bible, and comedy shoe shine, all of which we'll have linked on the show notes for this episode. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors who helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful, and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms and if you enjoyed the show be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating a the astand the skeptic rat available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email god awful movies a gmail dot com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan

Slotnik of evil drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here and more by following links on the show notes to this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neal Eye Bosnick. I'm No Illusions Promise in the Work Hard to earn another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Boyle. Bukka Bukka.

Biffin' then the breakfast club's home. Wow. Breakfast, scrap metal, it dear. Eric Roberts fired his agent and went to the tannery for some oil. The granddaughter got fucked so hard. So hard? So hard. Ray Wise never asked for directions and ended up in Muslim heaven by accident.

I may have to, like, you know, pee three or four times during this because of all the waters. Do you guys normally take any pee breaks? Yes, yes, yes. I don't pee, but I smoke. So I'll take this catheter out. I started putting it in. I'm not taking my catheter. I just got something in there.

I was just trying to get you like, you know, I'm going this for years now. All right. We'll dive right in. I just got something in there. I was just saying, I've been trying to get you like, I don't have this for years now. All right, we'll dive right in then.