God Awful Movies - 340: Redeeming Love

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Redeeming Love, the story of a woman being traumatized for two hours while some Christian guy keeps forgiving her for being the victim of crimes. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And we watch her fall into distribute on the boat like we've already watched her become a prostitute We have to watch it again Again this there will never be a nothing she ever does doesn't turn into prostitution She like finds a nickel on the ground she bends over to pick it up and it's on a string and she gets dragged into a brothel and it's... Oh, dang it! By the end of the movie, she trips and falls, lands in a feather bed. Ah, man, what's that?

Yeah. Seventh time, that's on me. God, awful movie! Movie, movie! Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Welcome back to The Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection of Christian cinema because free will is an illusion. I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath will be unable to join us today, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Not super great Noah! Yeah!

Hold an honorable here, but before we get to that, also joining us from 3,000 miles to my west is returning guest maskist and host of the talk nerdy podcast, Cara Santa Maria, Cara, welcome back. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah, great.

You can't give us the silent treatment for a podcast, Cara. I understand why, but it doesn't work. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, let's help the listeners understand and we'll do so with this question. Tell us, Cara, what will we be breaking down today? You guys owe me $20. We do owe you $20.

We're going to break down the bill. You owe me $20 and two hours and 14 minutes of my life. Not to mention a night of terrible dreams. Ugh. You guys, what are we breaking down today? Okay, so the movie is called Redeming Love. Not sure why. Maybe you guys will explain that to me later.

Nope. No love, no redemption. Everything about it is garbage. And it's just basically a massive trigger warning for anybody who has ever dealt with abuse. That's what we watched. Or hasn't.

Or hasn't, right? Really, but make it real. Yeah. Oh gosh, yeah. No, we owe you a lot more than $20 and two hours after this. Yes, you owe me at least my next three therapy sessions. There you go. There.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the refractory period after watching porn, you feel guilty about, but you wish it lasted two hours and 14 minutes. Oh my God. You will love this movie. Yeah, the whole way through this movie, I was playing that, but maybe there's 26 minutes of credits game just to get me sure the fuck was. I was playing that, but maybe there's 26 minutes of credits game just to get me. Sure the fuck was. I was like, where are my avengers credits, David? Right. Right. Who did this CGI?

So to give you an idea of the contrast, so I had to drop this into the notes here. This movie has a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. If you ask people who know shit about movies, the audience score is 95%. What? Who is the audience score is 95%. What? Who is the audience for this movie? It says there are 500 plus verifiers ratings. Who are these people? I want to interview them for a psychological study.

Serial killers. Misogynists. They are misog... Yeah. This entire movie is just us watching a woman be tortured for like two hours and one minute and then her forgiving everyone for torturing her for like another two, right? Yep. Oh, and a bunch of people forgiving her for being.

For being tortured. That's a big yes. Right. No, you're right. I got the focus entirely wrong. That's the real meh. I could not believe this was written by a woman. I was shocked. Yeah. It was written by a woman. I was shocked.

Yeah. It was written by a woman. So was the screenplay or the book it was based on? The book it was based on was written by a woman. Now, as I understand it, she was involved in the writing of the screenplay, but what does that really mean, right? Wow. You, she co-wrote it according to the credits, but, you know, yeah.

Oh, God. And I'm pretty sure the director was the same guy who did Disturbia, which I actually liked. Oh, is it that guy? Yeah. Yeah, that's like bumming me out. There are some strangely legitimate people associated with this movie. The dude who played Paul, that was an amazing performance.

Yeah. There was just weirdly, there was some, and that honestly made the movie worse is that there was just weirdly good stuff. Like if you like if you know Donald Parker was playing the male lead in it or something this would have been a lot of you's here. Yeah. Oh no This was a this was a movie with legitimate director photography like all the acting was pretty good The male lead not so much, but yeah everything. I feel like

We were watching a real Hollywood movie that was just solid with a garbage. Everything about it was horrible from the inception, but then they actually figured out how to do a bunch of legitimate people to make it. Yes, yeah. To give you a great example of how this movie is legitimate, but there's nothing redeeming about it. In the general trivia on Amazon Prime, which I love so very, very much, it explains that Michael and Angel,

they originally met when they were in X-Men 3. That's it, this all we got there, friends. They have the Angel in the time, but in a different movie, they had a good time. Yeah. Yeah. It's not even those two actors, it's even less interesting than that

when you really drilled down into it. But yeah, so was there anything you guys wanted to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I mean, yeah, just best worst retraumatization. Like this is not a psychologically healthy movie to watch. I don't think. No.

No. Well, and I was gonna go with best worse than we already hinted at this redemption, right? Because spoiler alert, the thing that the main character needs redeemed for is being kidnapped and raped and sold into sexual slavery. Mm-hmm. And the way that she's going to get that redemption is by having her trauma mansplained away by a guy who thinks she should smile more.

Yeah. That's the movie. That's the whole movie right there. Literally, yes. Yeah. Yeah, that's the movie that's the whole movie right there literally yes, yeah, yeah And of course I am gonna go with best worst way to ruin my friendship with Kara Look background here. I like Kara with shums, but largely our contact consists of me saying hey great job on the show and Boy do I have an awful movie for you this week?

on the show and boy do I have an awful movie for you this week. Tee hee! So a couple of weeks ago, I watched the trailer for this movie because a bunch of people have requested it and I look at it and I'm like, oh, it's a cheesy cowboy romance. Perfect for Kara. So I write her a message being like, this one's a real stinker. Wagana man. Little did I know I was setting her up to watch fucking Salo, right? And I'm watching it the night before a record just thinking, oh my god, I need to take

care that this isn't my idea of a fun joke. This is not a prank. I need two attacks from you, like an apology to... this has never happened before in the history of me coming on God awful movies. I will joyfully celebrate you watching Marky Mark's personality roll down a hill gathering shit. But this isn't this isn't a fun yuupster. Wow. Yikes. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we've got a lot of psychological scabs to pick at on the other side of this break. So we're going to give you a minute to prepare but we'll be back in a flash without the torture porn that is redeeming love. No that sounds great I'll see you Friday it sounds good all right bye bye.

Gara. Jesus Eli how'd you get into my office? The door was open. No it was not. Well it was once I opened it otherwise I couldn't have gotten in Kara. Right um what do you want? Yeah. Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to make a call. It's important. What's wrong with your phone? Yeah. It just got so pricey with all the hidden fees and the sneaky bills. I just had to give it up. Well, why don't you just try Mint

Mobile? What's Mint Mobile? Well, Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year. As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile? Well, Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year. As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile lets you maximize your savings with plans starting at just $15 a month. $15 a month, what's the catch? There's no catch by going online only and eliminating the traditional cost of retail. Mint Mobile passes significant savings on to you.

All plans come with unlimited talk in text and high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint mobile plan and keep your same phone number, along with all your existing contacts. And if you're not 100% satisfied, Mint mobile has you covered with their seven day money back guarantee.

All right, Cara, I'm sold. How do I sign up? To get your new wireless plan for just $ bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to MintMobile.com slash Gam. That's MintMobile.com slash GAM. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash Gam. Awesome. Thanks. Dude, dude, you guys are taking too long.

The fire is spreading. Oh, sorry. I totally forgot. Cara was telling me about Mint Mobile. You set a fire in my apartment? Why? Oh, it was for the Olympics. What are you talking about? The Olympics? Big sporting event?

Who doesn't know about the Olympics? I gotta hate you guys so much. Cara! Francine! Thank you so much. Cara! Francine! Thank you so much for meeting me for famous people lunch to discuss my screenplay. Well, you are in my hop-alodies class. Kinda had to say yes. Indeed you did.

So, be honest, what did you think of my movie? Honestly, it was really traumatizing and just bad. Boom, how so? Well, a full 95% of the script is just terrible things happening to a woman, and then the other 5% is a random guy with no personality, forgiving her for having bad things happen to her. Yes, but he is a very handsome man and he loves us so very much. Okay, so no, he doesn't. He sees her in a window and then is like, I'm going to have her. That's not love.

That's creepy stalker stuff. You don't believe in love at first, see, I? Not when there is no further contact. No. I perhaps should adjust the script. Yes, honestly, I think you need to make some major changes here. Okay, what if in Act 2, instead of the scene where he declares his lie of, an evil man from the town gives her a giant bomb to hold and then it explodes?

Okay, that's definitely worse. Perhaps he could drop a piano on her head. You know what, I'm gonna go. But we haven't eaten all famous people crackers. I don't even want my famous people crackers. But they keep us young forever. I know that. And we're back for the breakdown.

We're gonna open up on 12 minutes of logos, actually, before we can get to the movie. Savor it, people. Savor it. Those logos are the most pleasant thing in the movie. It'll never be this good again. Yeah. They open with the bar too. I'm sure Eli was thrilled to see the Shakespeare quote opening things up. Yeah, which is great because not only is it not William Shakespeare's original words, it is taken out of context from someone who is trying to cheat at a contest so she doesn't have to marry an African person. So it is this movie in a nutshell. If you wanted to know where we're headed, we're headed towards thinking William Shakespeare wrote

this as a good piece of advice. Well, I honestly, as I reflect on it, given how much of this movie was filmed in the golden hour, I think this was an apology, right? They're like, so just so you know, this movie is not, it's going to glitter a lot. But I'm looking back now at my notes and like, this is when the worst thing I thought I was going to have to deal with was that this movie was a Western. Right. Oh, the naïve. I saw that line and I was just like, oh, there's a, it's like that represents a time of innocence that is a bygone era. Right. So yeah, so we are going to open up in 1850s, California

in a town called Herodice, but like a pair of dice, not pair, get it, it's that. Yeah, but like they're not being cute about it. No, like they just talk about it like it's a statement of fact. Was that a thing? Yeah, well, it's all the heavy-handed naming in this fucking movie, right? The name of the town is paradise. The character's name is angel. She's being oppressed by Duke, but later Duchess. It's just, it's all so, you know, pilgrim's progress or whatever. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't willing to read the book, obviously, having watched even a minute of this movie. But what it strikes me is that like, they tried to make a movie out of like a trashy romance novel. And so just a bunch of very straight-faced actors have to be like, and this here is Hutch

Biggins, the handsomeist man who's ripple pecs. Yeah. So we open up on this little mining town and everybody's lined up for the prostitution lottery to see who gets to fuck our main character. Yeah. Why is this in the movie? Like, it would work just fine if she was not a super prostitute, but rather a normal prostitute, but rather a normal prostitute. What does her imp have to gain by a lottery based system?

Well, everybody has to buy it. No, I get it. I get it. I get it. I actually just face a lot of sense, but just as a story, it's kind of a dumb opening. I guess they're trying to establish that she's the hot one. Yeah.

I think that's what all that is. Yeah, I feel like having a hot actor does that you do that with makeup and costume. But yes, yeah, that's. I mean, she is beautiful, so they could have just like, yeah, right. It's not like we wouldn't have gotten that she's physically attractive if they hadn't been like, no, I mean, there's a lot of she has an extreme prostitute. She had a good time. So yeah, so but we see her looking out at the lottery and remembering a better time.

So we do do back into her childhood where she's gathering flowers and she's about to meet her paw for the first time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, like, like we think this is going to be sweet. It's not sweet. No, no, we, we slowly reveal that her mother is this man's mistress and she was supposed to have been aborted, but she wasn't and he's not too happy about the fact that he has this illegitimate child on the side.

Right. It's also like, there's this weird tonal shift that the movie does constantly. We're like, someone was standing next to a bookstore that had like pride and prejudice in it. So they're aware that it's like lace and flowers, but it's so ugly that every time anything remotely pretty or antiquated happens, a guy has to like shit on it with an open but all right next to it. Well, and here's my naive innocence, right? So this scene ends with the little girl being sent away and we watch her, watch her mother

get beaten up by her dad, right? Yeah. And we just, we hear that off camera. And at that point, I was just like, you know, I didn't realize that that was just going to be the theme of the movie. Yeah, yeah. No, this is like about as happy as the movie is. Yeah. This is the happy scene in the movie. Because she's not just listening to her mom get the shit beat out of her by her dad,

who by the way is not married to her mom, you know, has a wife and a family. Right. But she's also hearing him say things like, you should have aborted her. I told you not to give birth to her. Right. But she's also hearing him say things like you should have aborted her. I told you not to give birth to her. Right. She should not exist. I wish that she did things that she out. Honestly, if you told me that this movie was made because someone got a good deal on woman getting slapped fully packages, a lot of the movie makes a lot more sense. Yeah. So the little girl, this is young Angel, she goes off to moping the garden for a bit,

mom finds her later and she of course says like, hey, you know, if I were to die tragically with that fixed things between you and my dad, you know, so that's where we're gonna start with this character. And she's like, we don't talk like that in this family, like death. I'm the one who gets the tragically died. Don't you steal my dude Lee.

You little asshole. My agent said this would be good for me. So yeah, but then we do do back to the brothel and I guess it's time for Angel's 15, right? Yeah, I love that whenever movie makers write a brothel, they also write a weird break room where the sex workers want to all share tragic back stories. Is this the first time they've all met? She's supposed to be here for years. And they're just like, Oh, by the way, where are you from? What are our origin stories? Now that you mentioned it? Yeah, and they're all so like Forward like the chick with the cool Irish accent is like man. I got beaten to shit. Look at all my scars She's like lifting up her shirt like who does that? I mean does that in real life

No, it takes on a very like that scene in jaws right before the big reveal kind of a moment like you look at this I just where I go yeah, and of course at this ends with them all sort of turning to the main character and saying, well, Angel, the super prostitute, what is what is your origin story? And she's like, oh, it's mysterious. Like we're do there's a series of doodly do's. So I can't did y'all not see my doodly do earlier? No. You can rent this movie on Amazon because of how badly it did off in theaters and good news. Yeah. All right. So we get that scene and then we need our lightly bearded love interest

farmer. How does he keep his beard so deeply trimmed in the 1850s, y'all? Great question. Great question. This, look, I'm not going to ever pretend that any woman could be as bad at writing men as men are usually bad at writing women, but this writer gets close. Oh, yeah, he is so one dimensional. Right. If you told me that he walked, ballie as his balls jiggles. And this actor, by the way, is the weakest link in this film, right? Sure.

By far. Yeah, he's kind of a handsome, thin, young, roofless, soul-looking guy. But, but like literally one of the actors known for us that comes up when you look him up on IMDB is a voice credit for a sassons Creed Valhalla. That is the height that this guy has reached in his acting career. And for a reason, oh, flesh cut to him facing opposite direction of the mic. Come on, man. It's odd. Come on, buddy. It's like this whole movie is, and maybe this is just me, as I get older, occasionally my female friends will date

a young moron and bring them into our presence and we all have to be cool. It's like that the whole movie. Yeah, right. Is it's just like so, Skyler, she says you're a surf coach well, I would be as soon as I get a boy to slash life coach. I'm so glad you're at this wedding. I'm so glad you brought you to this wedding. So, yeah, so he does a quick farming montage. I always feel so bad for actors to be fair. Like, and yes, he is by far the worst actor in this movie, but I hadn't learned that yet in this point.

So my empathy was still, you know, but I hadn't learned that yet in this point. So my empathy was still, you know, it hadn't burnt out yet. But he, like whenever I see scenes, it reminds me, do you guys remember Requiem for a dream when Ellen Bernstein had to? I'd love to forget it, but yeah. Yeah, I know.

When she had to like clean her whole apartment like she was on meth. Yes. Or like there's all, it's a montage of him doing manual labor in the farm, which means he's doing manual labor because anybody who's worked in production knows that you're doing like an hours worth of work for a minute of film. Right. Yeah.

So this guy is like doing manual labor and there's an entire movie crew just watching him get sweaty and like struggle with this old school plow. Okay. Counterpoint every time he wasn't doing that, he started acting. Yeah. I got the crew. It's probably really, but she didn't know that. Yeah. Right.

She didn't realize that at this point, just sitting there. Oh, thank God. It's another picking tomatoes day. You got it, buddy. But of course, this montage ends with him at church. Thanking God for all the white privilege and everything. Now he's, he's praying out loud because it's a movie, but he's, at the end of his prayer, he's sort of like, he Columbus got, he's like one more thing in God.

Yep. And he's like, oh, also, well, I've got you online real quick. Did you hang up? Have you hung up? You're not, okay, you're still on. I also would like a wife, like a love interest at some point, which also makes no sense, because he's clearly the only person within like a thousand mile radius with clean white teeth Like he would have no problem landing any woman near him in this era. It's nice that he got that manicure tube of

We're after doing all that far and we're She's and he tells Jesus that he's a leg man, right? He's like, you know, I, it's a big, Oh, that was so weird. He literally, this is the quote, maybe she likes fishing, maybe she's got long legs. You know the kind I need. What? What?

You're talking to Jesus, Jesus, just show up and go, do you really think this is appropriate if in a prayer man for you to tell me? First of all, I'm, I'm'm Nippon and creator of the universe. So I know that you're into weird feet stuff. You're not just saying it. Right. It's part of your prayer.

You've been here for 38 seconds. Nothing seconds of it. You're just put stuff about. You don't stop making foot stuff weird. Eli, stop. Well, okay. Well, that's what I was going to say because if this character has a personality, a big percentage of it is.

Yeah, that's true. if this character has a personality, a big percentage of it is food. Yeah, that's true. So yeah, but he walks out of the church and then the fucking clouds form a big thumbs up emoji as he's leaving. So he knows that God got the message. Oh, is that what that was? Well, I don't know what the fuck that I think.

I thought it was a dust bowl reference, but then it never came to fruition. I think they were just, that was it, they were out one day and he was like, oh, get them cool clouds. I bet think they were just, that was it. They were out one day and they're like, Oh, get them cool clouds. I bet we can do something with that. Then we're cool.

It's one of the many moments when this movie turned to California's weather and was like, Huh? Movie? This is nice. Cinematic. We shot this in HD. Yeah. Oh, for sure.

Like, there's literally, when they're in the town, which is clearly a back lot at Universal, you're like, Oh, that's burbank. Right. I know those hills. That's just burbank right there. Like they forgot to like edit out the like mansions on the top right. Oh, there's you, you see like some kid in a fucking band T shirt eating a turkey leg

off to the side of something. Yeah, it's just awful. So and we go back there and everybody is ogling angel as she walks. She's doing taking her Monday and or Friday walk. Right. I guess it's or I guess it's not and but she goes for a walk every day and it's like a parade. All the horny guys line up on either side of the street to watch her walk down the street. It's so weird. And at that time, of course, our main character, Michael, the love interest, is there and sees her for the first time.

Right. He's like dropping off farm goods or something or picking them up or yeah. Yeah, it's come to town to do his trades and he sees her and is like, I'm in love with her. I will have her. Yes. And the people who made this movie thought that was romantic. Yep, they sure did.

He might as well just pee on her leg and yell dibs. And the movie's like, mm-hmm, yep. He got dibs. And there's like, like, violin's playing in the back. And the band's like, what? And look, there's not a lot about this movie that is funny. But the amount of sentences it takes for him to understand that she's a prostitute when talking to the funnyist part of the movement.

She's, no, man, she's not the kind of girl for you. Oh, you mean because she's so pretty. No, because she buys and sells sex for a living. Right. The album, what are you talking about? And you see how she's holding a sign that says, I am a prostitute. Yes. So yeah, but and he turns to Jesus and he's going like, Oh, so that's the girl that you've picked for me, huh? And then we see her watch him out the window like she wants it. Right?

This whole movie is very stalkery from that moment, right? Oh, yeah. So she looked out the window and saw him staring at her so she must have agreed with Jesus. Well, it's stalkery from the moment he says he'd like one with legs, you know the kind I like. Well, that's true, yeah. That's really where we established that. This isn't just the stripper likes you back the movie.

This is the stripper loves you back the movie. No, it's even worse than that. It's the stripper loves you back the movie. No, it's, it's even worse than that. It's, the stripper would learn to love you if only you kidnapped her and held her at your home against her will for a certain amount of time, but we'll get there. Oh, yeah, this, this is, this is the damsel in distress tied to a railroad track.

Yes. Like, it's that trope. This whole movie is the, this sad, dejected, abused, tortured woman who just needs to be saved by the righteous Christy guy who is literally just as bad as every one of her tortures. And it was written by a woman. Yeah. How? Well, maybe she, uh, well, maybe there's more depth if you actually read the book or something who knows.

That's my hope, but I doubt it because she okayed this movie. So yeah. But the thing that we have to remember is that sexism, like misogyny and sexism is so intrinsic to our culture. Yeah. That like women are sexist too. Well, and we also have to keep in mind that this book was written in 1991 or came out in 1991.

So it was written quite a bit earlier in terms of that. Well, it was written before feminism. Well, I mean, I mean, it's before a lot of feminism, but you know, it is sort of like a, I, you know, that's the time I grew up. I can say for certain that like, we were as a culture far more okay with sexism then. Yeah, but the movie was made this year. That's exactly the movie came out now.

Yeah, like there's a bunch of old-timey books that we just don't remember. No one's watching breakfast that Tiffany's. Yeah, right. Exactly. That's the question is why the fuck would you make this movie in today's environment? Yeah, because Jesus I guess right. Well, so that that that is what I kept thinking about and like as much as I hated this movie And as gross as it was and an unpleasant I am really glad we're talking about it because it's it is important to remember that this is the poison Being sold to Christian women, right? Which is that the trauma this is the poison being sold to Christian women, right? Which is that the trauma done to them, dirties them,

solace them, and they need the forgiveness of God and a good man. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And we've got to remember that movies are made yes to make you think and yes to, I don't know, making more culturally and civically aware, but movies are mostly made to entertain you. And there are more than 500 people,

at least on Rod Tomatoes, and you said, I am entertained. Yeah. Like they enjoyed watching a woman be tortured throughout this entire film. For two hours and 14 minutes, yeah. Because the thing is, we don't just talk about it. Like they don't just reference it. They show it over. Yeah, well, it's yeah, right.

Actually, we're going to do that a little bit now because we're going to go back into the flashback of her childhood, right? We have the slave character who we barely even touch on that that takes care of the man. Oh, the Mammy character Yeah, I think you have the accent to and everything like what year is it you guys? Oh, the amount of plates. Look, slave character who explains morality to her in this doodly do is not the most used as a prop an African American person will be, but she's close. Yeah, she's second place. No, she might as well be selling syrup.

Yeah, exactly. So and then we see the mother falling on heart. So like her dad doesn't want to take care of anywhere. So the mother falls on hard times and we see like we see her being sort of like forced into prostitution by her poverty over a montage. Yeah. Okay. This wasn't funny.

It was gross. But I can see the actors, but hear me out, hear me out. I can see the actors all looking at each other as this going on, being like, this is just like miss, right? You guys are all, you guys know this is like, I'm the mom and the daughter. I have the shaved head, I have the same outfit. At a certain point, I was like, she's gonna sing Dream to dream because we're just doing like, no, and it even like looks like Europe. Oh, I can't say that.

Yeah. Yeah. They're like on the docks. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And then of course, you know, she's, she's having a heart to heart with her daughter about how hard life is.

And then she coughs and I'm like, well, she's, she's good as dad. That's dad. Oh, yeah. That's one cough. And that's what I wrote to her. I was like, she's got consumption. Yep. I almost went with best worst coffeeitis because look, movies give you five, 10, 15 minutes of coffee

itis. This lady's like, dead, dead. I mean, she fucking, Oh, and her death is hilarious. So she's laying on the bed all deathy and she turns to the daughters. She's like, pray with me daughter

and they start crying. And then she dies mid prayer. Right? It's hilarious. And at this point, I pause the movie and see that there is still another hour and 55 minutes left. Too much has happened. Yeah. Abused daughter and mother illegitimate child realize and then the dad leaves them to be,

you know, cast away into poverty and the mom becomes a sex worker and then mom dies of consumption. And meanwhile, love interest has already established himself. How is there an hour? Right. Five minutes left in this plot. It's an hour and 54 minutes of lady punch in. Yeah, right. Oh, yes. So and of course, this is the moment where she loses her faith too, right? And this movie is heavy handed as it is has to show that by having her to chuck the cross necklace that her mom gave her into the river. And again, not funny, but that does come back in a pretty fucking funny way. It is.

So then we cut back to the modern day so that we can watch her be abused more. Oh, yeah, right. Because every scene when we come back, she, that's how it has to start. It's just in case you forgot in the in the interim. Yeah, we have the, like, I guess her pimps is this chick, Duchess. That's Famke Jens and the check that was in the X-Men movies. Oh, she was in the X-Men movies because she's the second worst actor in this movie. She really, she was terrible in this movie. I was like, is that a Jersey accent? Yes.

She had a Jersey accent, but they're supposed to be in like the Wild West. You know, her third read through the script, she was just like, you know what, I'm doing this car all the fucking pegs. I know you're going to this bad movie. Yep. I'm mad I'm in it.

How's it going? You better be having sex with those guys for money. I'm a pocket bagger, Cornel. Yeah. No, so that's Duchess. And then if she's got her like her, enforce her, her henchman, and that's the guy that's beating up on Angel now for thinking that she's better than him.

Oh, yeah. What's his weird name? Oh, I don't even remember it. Murphy, Mugsy. Mugsy. You know, it comes along at the end. We wrote it down. It's like McCormick. No, Mugsy, Mugs of the wild. No, it comes along at the end. We wrote it down. It's like McCormick.

No, it's like, those are all real names. Yeah, those are words that you would use to describe a person. It's like Malaga fly. Yeah, it's so weird. Yeah, I just have her him down as her enforcer because I didn't want to bother learning it. But yeah, so he's about to beat her up and then Duchess comes and says, don't punch her. People want one to have sex with her. Slap her and waterboard her and they do. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like put her into it. And she's drunk, I think.

I don't know if that matter. Or high or something. Yeah. Now, I think she's drunk. I think it's clear that she, you know, she also has a substance abuse problem. Yes, because of because her life is terrible. And she has. Yeah. Another thing that she needs somebody to forgive her for. Yeah. Self-medicating. And again, if I can part the curtain slightly, this is where I started being like, oh, I should probably take care of.

Yeah, I'm going to take care. Because here's the thing, I can tell how much Kara is ironically enjoying a movie by her notes. And this is where her notes go from like a hunky paragraph down to like a sentence. Or two. Oh yeah, one of my most amazing. By the end of the movie, they're just like single words like, no, bad.

No rejection. I think I have to, okay, I think my only note here is, oh great, I love watching sex workers get abused. Why is this movie? Wow. Yeah. So, okay, but then Michael shows up.

He is her next customer and he comes in and he's all like nervous and she's all way naked for a Christian movie, but don't worry, her hair covers her boobs, so it's, it's, it's okay for. Oh, yes, so it's PG-13 stuff. Yeah. Once again, not a funny movie, but the comic extents that they will go through to cover her boobs throughout this film, they might as well have like two same height little people like you know, well, you say in the other day about enough, not jokes, so that

we just don't see a nipple. Yeah, it's like, it's like that ridiculous scene in the Mike Myers franchise. Yes, right. Yeah. Exactly. It's like frying pans and stuff. Oh, so, but he's not there to have sex with her. He's there to have a conversation. And I'm like, I bet sex workers love to have conversations with people so awkward they have to pay sex workers for conversation.

Oh, what a good time. What a good time. What a good time. Yeah. It's like basically the grossest meat cut of all time. Oh, he tells her at one point that she's going to marry him before this movie's over. Right? Yeah. And she says, I don't want to marry you.

And he's like, yeah, I don't care if that's not going to factor in at all to my decision. I don't know. What does that have to do with anything? I don't give a fuck. Oh, no, I should explain. God gave me to you like a present. Right. Right. Because of course, what is his name?

Michael Michael what? Michael, Jose. Jose. Yes. So I know you guys are the Bible people. And I know you'll tell the whole story, but I did Google it. And and I found that the from from of Hosea, the first line basically is, when the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, go marry a promiscuous woman and

have children with her. For like an adulterous wife, this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord. Okay. I would like to have a sidebar about how little to do with fucking Josea this movie is. Yes, thank you. So first of all, in Josea, he marries a divorced woman, which is some Bronze Age promiscuity shit. Second of all, and they don't carry this out, which I really wish they would. At the end of Josea, she cheats on him and has another man's child, so he names the

child, you're not my kid. And honestly, honestly, there's not a lot of this movie could have done to save itself. But if he, if she had just like walked into the third act with a child of like very obviously not his lineage and just been like, hey, they're not my son. How you doing? Yeah, I could have been one back. Yeah, it would have been better. It would have been a better film, I think. Well, so there's, there's a couple of important ways that they diverge from the source material here too. One of them is that at least by the standards of the Bible, whatever sexist as shit standards,

they have. Hosea's wife was like, you know, she sent, she wasn't like four, she was at rape to that wasn't the send, right? Like she chose to do things that were that were sinful. Exactly. The other thing that they did that really I think fucked up the movie is that in Hosea, the woman's name is Gomer. And how awesome would this movie have been if the whole fucking time they had to keep

talking on her Gomer. Oh my God. I actually made a joke at the end because in the very end, spoilers, at the very end, she tells them her name as the big like genuine woman of the movie. Honestly, honestly, this would be my favorite film if she was like, my name is gomer. Yeah, that would be like, that would make this movie like the Christian version of the mist. Right.

We're like completely redeemed. Exactly. But you're doing it to everyone in the theater instead of your son. I get it. Yeah. Right. So, but she makes him believe and then the immediate next scene is him coming to Pester her again after she kicked him out. Oh, yeah. Like, why didn't they? I mean, this movie is long enough they

could have broken these two scenes up. I feel like they're, yeah, yeah. It's weird. And let me tell you, the best way to win a sex worker's heart is your job is degrading. And I hate you for it. Yep. Yep. So yeah, so but he stalks her some more but she's, you know, she tells him to leave again, but he's not going to give up because, you know, doesn't matter how many time you ask that stripper to date you, she's going to eventually say, yes, keep it up. You know, it's the message of this movie. So, okay. So, and then we get to see where he's like back at the market and his buddy at the shop is giving him more shit for stalking angel, right?

Mm-hmm. Question. Does this gentleman suggest he consider fucking your cow? I feel like that was the implication, right? Because he's like, he's like, all the school you're spending to see angel, you could have just bought some cows by now. So, what do you do? What do you do with cows, man? How is that went completely over my head? I did not see that. How is that in your mind a similar thing? But yeah, and then we cut back to the sex worker break room,

right? And they're like, so that guy that keeps showing up with the bafflingly well-trimmed beard for the time period. And very clean teeth. And very clean teeth and fingernails. Are you in love with him? Is he going to take you away from this place? And she's like, nah, it's still act one.

Yeah, yeah. She's like, I'm just going to sit here and drink some milk. Thank you. Okay, look, this movie is boring and terrible. But sometimes in boring and terrible movies, you have an under five who has just one line and they work for their acting coach a little too hard And they suck all the fucking energy out of the film because they are doing classic break room prostitute stuff And then apropos of nothing one character who has never spoken and will never speak again goes You're drinking too much fucking milk.

That was drop of her voice. That's a milk for each of us. And then it's never seen again. So much of my notes are like, what's going on with milk girl? Can we check it with her? This movie's unpleasant. Also, there's this weird moment. Okay.

So one of the other sex workers says to her, she's like, hey, if you don't want that guy who's trying to take you away from this place and be your husband, I'll take him. And she's like, yeah, please take him off my hand. So the next scene is that girl coming up to him saying, Hey, Angel would rather that you that you bother me instead of her. And he says, no, now that's all fine except for this character is one of the three women of color in the entire fucking movie. Yep. And also remember like the era of the movie because they point that out too.

They're like the African girl. Like basically the slave girl. Right, exactly. And like I don't think the movie means for it to play like Michael is incredibly racist and is grossed out by the concept of having sex by the black woman, but that's sure how it plays in the movie. Yeah, sure. The only reason we don't think so is because there's a reference later that like redeems him again, but we don't know that yet. Right. And so in this scene, he's literally like you and like push it into the side.

Yep. Yes. And it's not great. It's supposed to be he's angry and angel for passing him off, but that sure is it what it seems like in the moment. I legit wrote subtle racism for the lead. Taking all the evangelical boxes. Right. Sure is. And to be clear, he is now like

Huffy that here at this third meeting angel is not convinced to love him and run away with him. Oh, yeah. Mary him. Yeah. And he's like becoming aggressive about it. Yep. And it's like, wow, he's just as bad as all of the other characters. Absolutely. Yeah.

And she says to him, she's like, he's like, marry me. And she's like, no, you're a shitty farmer. I don't want to be a shitty farmer's wife. Fuck off. So then he fucks off. But she watches him out the window, wishing she hadn't told him to fuck off. So then he fucks off, but she watches him out the window, wishing she hadn't told him to fuck off. So yes, once again, the movie is reinforcing that even when she kicks you out, she probably secretly regrets it later idea. Right. Trust me. If she says no, absolutely

not, it means yes. Right. This is the, oh God, this is everything that's wrong with American society, both in terms of consent. And also in terms of something that is, I think, less pernicious, but still very obnoxious, which is this lesson that we're teaching young boys that eventually become men, that if they just are relentless. Yes, yeah. Like, you see, I mean, you see this in, like the proposal at the Super Bowl in front of everybody. But like, let's just put as much pressure on the woman as possible and have as many eyeballs

on the situation so that they'd be embarrassed to say no. Right, yeah. And they're gonna think that's romantic. Apparently, yeah. Well, I guess, you know what, consider that incident incited by the standards of this script. So we're gonna call that the ad act one, or at least we're gonna call it close enough to give us a break, but we're gonna be back in a flash with all the ceaseless tribulations

that are redeeming love. Okay, what about this? Yeah, that's inciting a riot. Totally bogus by the way, we should like actually do that one. We're not doing any of them. Hey guys, what's up? Hey Cara, well, Eli heard that Trubil gets you out of free trials quickly and easily, so he committed a bunch of crimes and we're just trying to sort through all of this stuff

before he brings it to Andrew. Wait, what's Trubil? Trubil is the new app that helps you identify and stop paying for subscriptions you don't need, want or simply forgot about. And the term free trial, very misleading in the first place. I would like to say that. No, I don't think it is. No, it's, it's not.

On average, people save up to $720 a year with Tru Bill and because companies make subscriptions hard to cancel, Tru Bill makes it incredibly simple. Just link your accounts and Tru Bill will cancel your unwanted subscriptions in one tap and your Tru Bill concierge is there when you need them to cancel unwanted subscriptions so you don't have to. I've actually been using true bill to help me with my budgeting since they became a sponsor. They tell me when I overspend, when a large transaction hits my account, even where I can cut back a spending.

All right, guys, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Don't fall for subscription scams. Start canceling today at truebill.com slash awful movies. Go right now. Truebill.com slash awful movies. It could save you thousands a year. sign up. Come on, dude. Poppy was misleading. He commits a lot of crime. He really does. From the makers of redeeming love comes the story of a woman in deepest despair. Oh no, I just got hit by a car. And the man who would save her. Don't worry, I love you anyway.

You love me even though I got hit by a car? Yes, I forgive you. Okay, there's nothing to forgive. I got hit by a car. Because sometimes when you're at your lowest, only love can save you. I will heal you with my love. Feel like I would need to heal from the car that hit me with my love. This summer, trauma porn.

I love you, angel. It's not my real name and the fact that you haven't bothered to ask is just a huge red flag, dude. Red like my love. Okay. red flag dude. Red lap malove. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action back in the doodly-do following up on what happened a little angel after her mom died. Spoiler alert, she was sold into sex slavery. Yep. Yep. So.

Not unexpected. No, yeah. Based on the tone. Yeah, and we see some guy, I don't know if this is supposed to be an uncle or a cousin of whoever wound up with custody of her has taken her to this brothel to like sell her to this guy Duke. And he drinks Duke's brandy. This scene is not without a pretentious because he drinks Duke's brandy.

And because this movie needs to be cartoonishly violent and horrible at all times, Duke has him strangled in front of her and then stabs his dead body in the face. But because we have to be torturing Angel makes her watch all of that. Right. Yep, that too. I just like, there was this moment where I felt like the movie wanted me to care about the guy that was getting strangled And I was like, I mean, he just sold a child so like well, they don't even introduce him like we don't even know who he is

No, I don't know if he's an uncle or a cousin or what yeah Yeah, or if you just found her on the side of the road and needed to make a few bucks But yeah, yeah, so he has his his henchman strangled a guy to death and then after he's very clearly dead Duke walks over and stabs him with his sword. Okay. It feels like that just ruined the rugs. Right. That's the punishment to nobody except the rug.

I really wanted him to get stuck in the guy in the floor. He's just like, oh god, and it does not like a blood. I was trying to do a badass villain thing, but now I've got to sort of brace my foot against him. It's my shoes are gonna be like. I like that. I'm digging it. Everybody's so Irish. Yeah.

Brain comes off on the cane sword. Oh, great. Now this is on here. I'm not gonna fit in the heel anymore. So yeah, so then we get like a montage of her growing up in the brothel doing brothel chores, learning to read, being befriended by the older prostitutes there.

Yeah, and I wasn't sure. So this is like we're establishing the creepy guy, right? So again, to recap, somebody who we don't know sells her into sex slavery or sells her to a brothel. And then an older man who I recognize. Okay. Is he like an older man who I recognize. Okay. Is he like an actor?

I'm sure. He looks a lot like Brad Pitt. He does look a little like Brad. I spent the whole time just being like Brad Pitt. I feel like I've seen this guy and other things. Anyway, he makes her sit on, so he makes her watch her uncle get murdered, then makes her sit on his knee. That part was weird.

And then like you said, there's this whole montage. And at this point, you're still not sure, like, is he like raping her? Is he like her father figure? Is it both? I feel like it's supposed to be both. Luckily this movie, it's clearly, but, luckily this movie spares us from knowing that, yeah. I don't know.

It's just not fun. You don't trust anyone in this movie. Every man is just trying to have sex with underage women. Literally every man in this movie will be a massive piece of shit at some point. They're all monsters, just absolute monsters. But it makes you wonder, is that kind of what it was like? I mean, it's kind of still like that, right? But back in the day when there was no social norms

to not be like that, is that just what it was like? Probably. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, the kind of questions that a comedy podcast loves to have drawn out. Sorry, sorry. No, yeah, what else are you gonna do with this?

But no, comedy beat coming up ready. Yeah. Cause then she fucks her dad and that's pretty funny. Hey, hey, hey, she fucks her dad to death. Okay. Is this, is this the darkest scene in the whole movie? I mean, I left real. Maybe later when she's performing.

Well, okay. So what's, what's amazing about this is that it's like, it's the darkest redemption in the movie, right? So she grows up in the montage, and so now she earns her wings or whatever it becomes a sex worker. And the first person they bring to her is her dad. He doesn't recognize her,

because she's all grown up. And then the movie just cuts from them going off together to him shooting himself, and we're like, oh, God, does she fuck her dad and then tell him that? Yeah, because it pans to her. Sure did. And then the movie's like, yeah, no, yeah, that's exactly what happened. It was exactly that.

Yeah, he shoots himself in the head. It pans to her half naked. And then in case you still didn't get it, they invent voiceover for one sentence in the movie. Yes, right. Yeah. And they say she fucked her dad and then he killed himself. Hey, yeah.

case you didn't get that. And can I just say? Uh-huh. Got him. Ha ha ha ha. Got him. Right. Look, Angel doesn't get a lot of victories in this movie.

Yeah, score one for Angel. What, like, this is what I don't understand. Well, there's a lot that I don't understand, but I want you guys to help me understand. Tell me the is what I don't understand. Well, there's a lot that I don't understand, but I want you guys to help me understand. Tell me the one thing you don't understand about Angel fucking your dad and then he kills himself. Why didn't she just say, you're my dad? To get him!

Yeah. No, but really? She wanted it? Yeah. She wanted to have sex with her own father? As vengeance for, yeah. Mm-hmm. No, but that just shows that the person who wrote this

doesn't think of her as human. Nope. I think you're not considering how good a prank that is. And then, okay, the other thing I was confused about, did creepy Irish surrogate father pedophile know that that was her dad? No, that's just a very staged. He was like, this one, specifically it's this guy. Yeah, no, it's supposed to be just a wild coincidence.

Yeah. But then she has to run away because apparently there will be consequences for her fucking or dad to death if she doesn't. Which I feel like was a very weird move on at a file, BIMP guy, to be like, well, I'm very disappointed in you for fucking your 10. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's weird. So she gets that, she makes her way onto a boat to California,

the old fashioned pre-Panama canal way from Boston. And we watch her fall into distribute on the boat. Like we've already watched her become a prostitute, but we have to watch it again again. This, there will never be nothing she ever does doesn't turn into prostitution. She like finds a nickel on the ground. She bends over to pick it up and it's on a string and she gets dragged into a brothel. I think it's by the end of the movie. She like trips and falls lands in a feather bed. Oh man, what's that?

Yeah. Seventh time, that's on me. Well, and of course, just because otherwise she wouldn't suffer enough, we have to watch her like after the boat trip, she gets like jumped by a couple of the other sex workers that were on the boat with her and they take all her money. Yeah. And that's how she ended up working for the Duchess. Her misfortune and torture porn gets carted. I genuinely thought like the next person she met was going to like paint a tunnel on the wall and she was going to look and get hit by a train.

He just walked right through. It got that comical at a certain point. So okay, so we cut back to the modern day. Lucky, who is one of her co-workers, is waking her up with some breakfast alcohol. But she's feeling sick. She's like, I guess the purity of that farmer boy that fell in love with her has rubbed off on her now in her sinful ways or getting to her. Yeah, she's going to love heading. Oh, is that what that is? Who the hell knows, right? Okay. She's, she's

starting to feel real feelings. I guess. Yeah, right, right. Well, to the point where lucky, the other character is like, I wait, sorry, are you wishing that you went with the farmer? And she's like, no, you know, that's the plot, but that's not what I'm feeling quite yet, I guess. That would be incredibly stupid for me to be feeling that. No, you're right. You're right. There's no way you're feeling that. Right. But this is also where she realizes that, you know, her naive vassus been had by Duchess and she can't leave any time she likes

and take her money with her. She's trapped there. Oh, this is where we find out the name of that guy. It's Mago on. Mago on. Yes. So if you feed him after midnight, though, he's a Vremlu on though. What the fuck? Kind of dumb ass shit.

Why would you just? Okay. You know what? We just did an iron ran trilogy. I'm fine. And to be fair, he's just like, he's a big white guy. He's a big white guy. Yeah. Like there's no, his name's just Maga Wan for no reason. At one point, we do see a power ranger climb inside him to fight a giant monster.

That's way later in the movie. So there's saving something for the sequel, you know? Yeah. So yeah, but she goes to does just and she says, Hey, can I leave and take my money? And she's like, no, no, there's still like an hour and 18 minutes of this shit. So. And then of course, Maga won has to take her back to her room and beat her up because we have it. We're getting beaten up for like two and a half minutes now. Well, first he starts raping her. It's not just beating her up. It's sex beating up. Because it's like how many sweaty, dirty zippers do we have to watch unzip in this movie? So many dirty zippers.

So gross. Super gross. And apparently, Michael is now psychically connected to her Aala, E.T. and Elliot. Yes. Right. Because he wakes up seemingly knowing that she is being beaten at that moment. I guess he still needs his eight, right? Because he doesn't go to the brothel until the next morning together. But yeah. He senses a disturbance in the force, which means

if they're slightly connected, does that mean that like ever since the first time he's met, he's been waking up and he's like, oh, she's fucking again. Fucking hell. That's 11 today. She was weird tasted in my mouth. Here. Yeah, but so he gets to the brothel. He charges past Duchess and he runs into a room and he finds her all beat up. Oh yeah, this is one of the weirdest scenes in the movie.

Like, I mean, there's a lot of weird scenes in the movie, but she's like legit gross looking, by the way. Like the way they did her makeup, she's really beat up. There's so many things we need to talk about. First of all, we need to talk about the fact that he marries and buys her while she's asleep. That's what I'm saying. Like why?

He's like, okay, this is the weirdest part of the movie. He's like, you're really beat up, everything looks bad. Maybe now I can convince you to come to the farm. We're all keep you safe. And she's like, yeah, okay fine. I'm really beat up and unconscious. Well, that's the thing. She doesn't say, I would be more impressed

if this movie had a yeah, okay fine. She is literally asleep and he's like, we are married now. It very clearly cuts to her saying nothing. And he's like, got it. It's my pride. Loader in my cart. Well, they do, they do have her eventually kind of wake up enough to say, yes, but that's

not until after he's purchased her, right? Because Duchess says she can't leave until she pays me what she owes me. And then he's like, well, I'm sure this sweaty clump of money that I keep in my elbow apparently will suffice regardless of how much it is. And Famke Jitz is just like, yeah, nope, that's, yep, that is exactly the amount. Well, yeah, there is an overt transaction that takes place with the good guy, the good guy buys his wife. Well, and then he says, so hey, do you want to be my, my wife and live with me forever on my farm?

Or do you want to stay here and get beat up. Those are your two choices. And she's like, I guess I'll go with you. So he throws her in the back of his cart like a bag of fucking feed. They didn't have shocks by that back then, by the way. Those are the back like a fucking bag of feed and takes her home. Oh no, it's just like a horse cart. Yep. Also number two thing I have to talk about is the makeup. So very clearly the makeup artists at this point were like, I got a hold of the script. This will be fucking sucks. Do you want to do just got stung by a beef face instead of beat up face? And the girl was like, oh my god, do you think we'll get away with it? And she was like, we totally will. So this entire

scene, which is supposed to be this horrific moment of rescuing. She looks like I ate too much shrimp and she's just like, she does. Her eyelids look like hamburger buns. Yeah. Like, her bottom lips and her top lips. Really wanted someone to come over and stab her with an happy pen. Sorry, that just had to just got a getter. So yeah, so the next morning she wakes up in the shitty little farmhouse. She's got to bring on. So yeah, so the next morning she wakes up in the shitty little farmhouse, she's got to bring on her finger now, which means that while she was unconscious, he put it there. Right, because that's romantic. Normal. It's very good love story. Yeah, no, wait, wait, wait, we skipped one, I guess, if there were important plot points, one Important plot point is that the bad, the father pedophile, father figure pedophile from Boston was like cross them on the road.

Yeah, he was coming into town as they were leaving. What are the odds? But they showed him looking over. Did he not see her? She was exposed on an open air cart. She said, he said, well, this is a weird looking bag of feed. He's got back there. She was all stung with bees. He couldn't tell. Yeah.

Wouldn't put a human being back there. They don't have shocks back now. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She had hamburger eyes. And so that must have been it. Yeah. So yeah, so she wakes up and she's like, wow, this sucks.

And he's like, he's like, hey, you're awake. That's great. Hey, I have a dead lady's clothes for you to wear. They've been sitting here for several years. Would you like to wear my dead sister's clothes? And she's like tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. Yeah. Right, because they're like, here's my sad backstory.

My sister died last year. And I'm like, I don't care. Like, so don't care. That doesn't endear me to you. Like it's, I don't feel bad for you Like you're a horrible person in this movie. Oh, so he's accent so he's going for a Southern accent But only in words that end in R right? You know, he's like yeah, they said the clothes of my dad say a star Just oh, it's he's so bad so and then we cut to three weeks later, right right? Because they don't want to have to keep doing the beat up makeup, right?

They're like we can't keep giving her hamburger eyes guys. That's tough. That takes a lot of latex. We're all out of plastic So we got to three weeks later and So this is super important. This will not be the first time, but so she escapes Right, so if we want to make a good guy out of this character, here's what he does is he nurses her back to health and he says, now you can go wherever you want. Would you like me to take you into town? Would you like me to take you somewhere else? You can do whatever you want now, right?

That would be like the good guy thing to do. Get her out of the bad situation and then let her decide where she wants to go from there, but he's never ever gonna do that. Right. You're free, but no, he put a ring on her. He bought her. Right. Yeah.

Of course he's not gonna do that. He owns her. Right. He owns her. So she has to escape multiple times. Yes, she has to escape from him. And they make this very explicit. That's the thing that I never understand about these movies. Like, he says something to her about,

here's the ring that my mom handed me down or whatever, and she's like, blah, blah, this slave situation that you have me in, and he's like, marriage is not slavery. And I'm like, no, but- But this marriage is? Yeah, like your religion says it is, everything about this movie shows it is and she explicitly is thinking this out loud and saying it out loud like like does the movie not understand that

it's sometimes making really good points. Oh yeah, she she cannot help but roast this movie throughout this movie. Yeah, so we're like the main character gets it, but she's like the only one. When he said marriage isn't slavery at the end of the last scene, I really wanted her to like point to the Bible and be like, actually, no, if you look here, you can see it's starting to show you something. Deuteronomy actually has rules and prices and everything, he's like, oh, fuck,

I guess it was slavery. And also you did purchase me in the very last scene. Yep, like that happened. Yeah, so he gets home, he sees that she's not there, so he chases her down, right? Mm-hmm And he catches up with her and they want to make him a chivalrous, I guess, is what they're going for. He's like, she's like, I want to not be with you. And he's like, all right, well, I brought you water in a jacket. That's the chivalrous part. But the other part is I'm going to leave you here on the road, a mile

from the nearest place of shelter whatsoever as it's getting dark and 19 miles from town. Yeah. You can either be a stranger's wife or you can get assaulted and beat up all the time and I just wrote in my notes, romance. Yep. So yeah, so she walks the mile, he makes her walk it. Like he could at least stick around and say like, okay, I could take you into town

or take you back to that. But no, he makes her walk back in the partial fucking darkness and have streetlights in 1850s would have be clear oh yeah and for some reason there's a river in the middle of the road right yeah so she gets home and and and he's such a great guy that he brings her beans and washes her feet which she's confused by the movie movie? Okay, this scene fucking ruled. Okay, I hated this movie, but this scene movie was very much going for like, isn't it romantic? But hey, ladies, if a man gently de-shoes you

and washes your feet after a long day on a dusty road, that is sexual for him. That is not a nice gesture. Yeah, she's like, why are you doing this? And he's like, I'm too Christian to just admit that I have a foot finish. So yeah, except that her feet are like bleeding. Yeah, it's super gross, but he's still turned on by it, I guess.

Yeah, again, I don't want to go back down the wiki feet rabbit hole on this podcast, but I can just say those motherfuckers were on this scene. They were on it. They were on. They got angles on this scene. The director didn't get, I don't know what cuts they were. But this was, this was like a whole Mary Magdalene thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. Clearly. Like, that's what this was, which later she literally, there's like, it's so exciting. Yeah. They're pretty heavy handed. They're going to spell that out a little more heavy for a thing. They're literally going to spell it out. Yeah, giant sign. So, but so she wants to

have sex, but he doesn't want to have sex. And even the movie is like, but they're married. He's allowed to now, right? And then she's like, can I ask you a question? Your religion is bullshit. And the scene ends. Good for her. He she's like, Hey, you know, God, like forced me into sex slavery as a child and then let me fuck my own dad and then he killed himself. What do you think his great and mysterious plan was for that? And he might as well just go cut. So I don't.

Yeah, and that's the thing about this whole movie that's so confusing. Like the lead, she's a great actress. She's beautiful. She's strong. She's a great actress. She's beautiful. She's strong. She smart. Her character says all the smart things and like knows that she wants to be an independent woman. Like, and yet she's thwarted at every at every decision. Yeah. cartoonishly thwarted. They make it. It's like they make her have a series of like horrible things that happen to her, but never by her by like her own faults.

Right. Yeah. It's never because she's chosen. It's like they're not even writing a damsel that we should like, it's just inferior. Yeah. Yeah. It's like if instead of the old movies where she's tied to the train tracks, there's a corpse that's been run over by several trains.

Yes. And the hero comes over and is like, wow, shouldn't let yourself get tied to those tracks. I don't know why you tied yourself there of all places. I forgive you. So I spot you. So the next morning, she agrees to play wife with him until her dad, her, you know, the elbow money is paid back. So we get a literal man's explaining montage.

No, yeah. He explains to her how to pluck a chicken and how to sew a few like weirdly sexually. He's got a thing for that fucking chicken. Sexual chicken carcass. Like, you know, yeah, what's amazing is what clearly happened is this a very hot, but very stupid actor was given this montage and he was so excited not to be doing manual labor anymore.

And they were like, okay, so you like teacher the things on the farm and this actor didn't understand he wasn't supposed to make every activity sexy. It was like, why don't we fish and then we can clean out the out how. And yeah, so yeah, so we have this man's planning slash being poor is still pretty awesome montage. She can't fish at all now, but they're laughing together. So like clearly it's working. No, no. And we close this off with yet another, they won't fuck yet. Scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they gotta keep going back to that. She tries to fuck him and he goes for an ice cold lake thing. Oh yeah, so that's like a blue ball stroke,

like a Christy blue ball stroke. It's a Christy blue ball stroke. Oh, okay. It is, I assume that when he's like, I need to go for a long time, like you gotta rub one out. It's because if you're gonna rub one out, that's sinful anyway, you might as well satisfy your wife.

He does the ice walk and the dogs on the beach looking at him and the dogs like, you're married. Get your dick wet. I don't know. I don't understand. What's wrong with you? So that night she dreams of the evil guy from Boston finding her. She dreams that Duke finds her. She wakes up and this is where he tells her to walk off her PTSD. A nice fresh walk for her PTSD. Yeah. Yeah, she literally in this scene, he goes, what are you afraid of? I'm afraid, my notes.

All the rapists, man, she's afraid of all the rapists. Have you been watching any of these doodly dudes that could give Jesus? Yeah, well, and then he's like, you know what, you need as a walk. And she's like, you know what you need is a walk and she's like, you know I think I just probably need years of therapy. I probably need you to leave me alone for a little while He's like nope walk and she's like, okay fine But then he shows her a sunrise to make it all

Better yeah, and Jesus goes you can have sex now. Yeah, so yeah, right. So he's like, he points to the sunrise. He's like, that's the life I want to give you. And I'm like, that of a massive 4.6 billion year old ball of plasma. What the fuck are you even talking about? And he says, a light filled with light. And it's just like, let me and they had, like the candles were just for ambiance. They had light in the brothel.

But she says, oh well you know what I don't long for death anymore and he's like see it's getting better all the time and she's like okay. There we go. Oh god. Do you still want to die or are you better? And she's like 50, 50, he's like all right. All right. So you're saying there's a chance.

Yeah. So you want to fuck right now, right? That's what you say. Well, right. And she's just like, I still don't get why we can't fucking. I'm like, I am with you. You're making me watch this guy act when we could be watching him. Fuck. What the hell? But then when they finally get around to it, it's not even like they're fully clothed. Oh, God. Well, he's fully clothed, at least. Yeah. The first time they have sex, it's up against a wall, really. Yeah. Yeah. Like this is supposed to be romantic. Well, and I love to. So there's this moment, too, where they they're like, Oh, you know what? There's a bed over here. Let's move to the bed. And so they have this amazing scene where he has to lay her down on the bed. But she's topless. And they're

still trying to keep the PG 13 rating. So he's got his hand over her boob the whole time. Yeah, it's weird. As though he's putting her down by her boob. Right? But he's he's cupping it like he's catching a softball. It is not romantic. Also, I have to talk about the wall sex because this is my favorite part.

So they're trying to do the wall sex thing where he hikes up her skirt and like, ooh sexy, but they're trying not to freak out grandma over at the dove channel. So he just reaches down and grabs her skirt. Is that right, my notes? He's giving her a wedgie. She's like that. So yeah. So they consummate their relationship, I reckon. Okay, I reckon. Okay, I just one last thing I have to talk about about this sexy and it is the violin in the background. Oh yes, the music. What is this music?

The sexy goes on so long that the violinist is forced to vamp. It's like, it's like, and then like six minutes later, it's like, Nuh, NuhNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN actor in the movie. No, I completely disagree with you. Really? Paul is just Paul went to the, I'm not quite Tom Hardy school of acting. Oh, see, I love Tom Hardy too. I'm obsessed with Tom Hardy, but Paul is not Tom Hardy. He's just another guy trying to beat Tom Hardy. Literally everything he does is Tom Hardy ask. I mean, we're all trying to beat Tom Hardy.

Yeah, that's kind of the whole bad against. I can't fault somebody. Like his whole brilliant acting is just grunting a lot. He does grunt very well. He does grunt a bit of grunting. That's all he's doing. It's just he just like watched every Tom Hardy movie in a band. It's really good grunting.

Okay, so, but we meet him. He's won or he crossed the desert. So apparently he is the brother in law. His wife was the sister who died and then he went off on a year long bender as a gold prospector. And now he's coming back sheepishly to the farm to tell Michael that he's a failure. Right. He tells Michael.

Mostly I just worked hard for nothing in trink and I wrote in my notes, the heathen right story. But this is what he meets Michael's wife and of course she's wearing still the dead wife's clothing. Yeah, but that's a cover. Like he sees her and clearly knows she's a sex worker. Right. And he's looking at her like, what are you doing in my brother-in-law's house? And they see him staring at her like she's garbage, and then he catches himself.

And it's like, oh, you're wearing my dead wife's clothes. That's why I'm staring at you. That's what I'm freaking out about, yeah. That's why I was trembling with rage. I promised Joan where her clothes. But really, it's like, oh yeah, I saw you that night when we had sex when I paid for you. Right. So he memorized all the prostitutes.

He visited. Clear. Yes. And his drunken stupor. Yeah. So let's face it, this is this is a girl you would remember. Well, she was, she was the one that had the lottery. That's true.

You remember the prostitute that has the lottery. Yeah. And they have this mini confrontation, which this is such a stupid subplot because it could be resolved with two sentences and it's just like the movie trying to elongate himself. He's like, how did you trick Michael into marrying you? And she's like, I didn't.

I actively resisted him marrying me. And then while I was half conscious, he bought me and he was like, liar. And then he does not ask Michael, not happen. Nope, never does. This conflict will continue for like the almost the rest of the movie. And could be resolved at any time I am going to,

hey, how did you meet? That would be it. But yeah, he's like, Michael deserves better than you, you're a filthy, filthy whore. And she's like, well, you just have to accept it now. And he's like, yeah, but I can dump coffee all over your shit. That's what I can do. So he does. So at this point, I completely have lost interest in the movie and I'm playing like

Wordl. Yeah. And then I remembered, oh, I'm not watching this like by choice. I'm watching this for the show. I actually have to pay attention and started watching it again, but I was like, I'm not rewinding. I can't. No, I can't be too much. I've never supported you more than you wrote. I was playing phone games. What did I miss in your notes, Cara? I've never supported you more fiercely. So yeah, I don't know what happened there. Well, yeah, and all you missed is to see where Paul goes out and tells Michael, you know, she used to be a sex worker and he's like, yeah, no, I know. And he's like, oh, well, that fucks it.

And then I just dumped coffee on her shit for nothing, I guess. But he calls her trash and Michael punches him because, you know, he's a good guy who punches people for insulting his wife. Okay. Okay. But there is a funny thing about the punch, right? He punches them and is like, I'm sorry. And they have too many lines left in the scene where he has just been punched in the face.

So they spend the rest of the scene with him being like, Oh, it's really my eyes. Or I'm not crying. My eyes are watering. So it's just, yeah. So the recipe is two cups of flour and three eggs is just so long. Sniffing back his bloody nose. See, this is why I was playing games on my phone. Yeah, I'm glad I missed that. I'm glad you got to play Wordal.

I wish you had played a little bit longer because then you would have been able to miss the scene following that one, which is where we reveal her forced abortion history. Right, this is maybe the, it's one of the top five most horrific scenes. It is. It's hard to really rank the top five. They're all equally horrific. Yeah. Well, so Michael's telling her about how hope he hopes one day they'll have a family together and she's like,

oh, that's bad. And then we flash back to her being undergoing a, a forceful abortion back when she was with Duke after she was raped. Yeah. Well, yeah. Uh-huh. And now look, this movie is going for scary, terrible trauma and it does a pretty good job. But they do miss on what account, which is that apparently scary abortion guy is going to like use a giant pair of bike lock cheers to do abortion. Look, this is a terrible scene and it's gross in a lot of ways. But this doctor like menacingly heading towards her with a pair of fucking garden cheers.

Like, yeah, oh yes, these very used to use the jaws of life actually in a situation like this is the tool that you would, yeah. Gross. I think I wrote gross like 900 times. Yeah, just gross. So and then we get yet another of the hardest scenes in this movie, she has to escape again. Oh, yeah. God. Right. Yeah. Escape number two for those of you keeping track. Yeah. Right. Escape number two. Well, escape number

three if you're but escape number two from Michael. Yeah. Right. So she bumps a ride into town with Paul. Paul's going to get like a horse and get some farm and stuff so he can start his farm back up. So she bumps a ride with them. Oh yeah, and he's super gross. He's like trying to get her. He's like on it, which I guess we saw that coming, but I didn't, I don't know. I don't know why I didn't quite expect it because there's a character that hadn't

raped her yet in the movie They did yeah, and this boy I wrote my notes at this point if she gets too close to the dog I'll be worried the dogs gonna be like so angel Barbara bar right. Yeah, and so at this point I'm really confused because I'm like who is this movie for You I literally wrote this I said how who is this for yeah, who's fantasy is this movie for? Thank you. I literally wrote this, I said, who is this for? Who is fantasy is this? Who is enjoying watching this poor woman get raped over and over by every person she trusted

in her life? Yep. And just everything that could have been even, not even sacred, but remotely trustworthy gets ruined. And like, is it supposed to be sexy? I don't get it. I have no idea. This is a romance movie.

I honestly just think it's gotta be a misogyny thing, right? It's gotta just be misogynist loving watching this and that's what you get from making such a horror. Well, and that's what I put. Is this enjoyable for a single person on the planet other than an in-cell fuck not exactly, but does it have to be market to in-cells? Yeah. Noah is a jaguars fan and he was like, okay, this is enough suffering.

Right. Exactly. So, yeah, so, but he gets her out in the middle of nowhere and he's like, how are you going to pay for this pizza, right? And so, and of course, because we can't just imply it, we have to like then cut to him, zip in his pants up in her coughing and puking or whatever. So, right. So this is the first time she's like, cute. Yeah. I thought that was a pregnancy queue. It's not. Oh, and I just thought it was like, oh, but she was really in love now. So now when she sells, you know, does a transaction. Because she feels she has real human feelings now.

Because of man love. Because before she was a receptacle. Right. She's a people. Yeah. Yeah. Although I do have to say, again, terrible movie, terrible scene. These did start to follow the Hosea having another man's child naming the child not my

child through line. And I was like, oh my God, if Paul Jr. is named not of my people, this movie like Whitney Banks. No. This is where I noticed that the actress in like certain light sort of look like Amy Adams meets L. Fanning. Yes. Oh sure. Definitely an Amy Adamsness to her that bothered me throughout. Yeah. And like a little bit of an L. Fanning thing. And then later, there's like a Lindsay Lohan kind of a moment. Interesting. I don't know, she's an interesting, yeah, she's a shape shifter. Okay. So yeah, so but he takes her to town post derape and she gives him a stern talking to. I mean, she to be fair, the stern talking to she gives him is like truth telling.

Oh, yeah. She like makes a really kind of important commentary about men of her era and about how like really he is like weak and he is not a good person and she's the victim in this and she's been strong the whole time and at least she's been honest and clear and he's a coward. And you're like again, again, the writers, it's like they get it. But then they don't get it. But then they don't then they don't get it. But then they don't, then they on, they somehow on getting it. Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, instead of calling it redeeming love, they should have called it, Ungetting it. Yeah. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we're not allowed to take a break after every scene, but holy fuck, if we earned one at this point, so we're going to pause there. First of me, I'm acting the hard self. Can we experience enough, I carry a suffering in time? Well, we watch Angel get her fingernails ripped out

by Libyan terrorists? Will she audition for Harvey Weinstein? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the massacistic conclusion of redeeming love. Is it working? It seems like it, man. Keep eating.

Hey guys, what's she doing? Oh, man, can I tell Noah like it man, keep eating. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh man, can I tell Noah? I mean, I guess. Okay, so Cara actually gave me some famous people crackers so I can get all healthy and tan. She gave you crackers that will make you tan. Mm-hmm. Yep, sure did.

But Eli, if you want to eat healthier, why not just try Hello Fresh? What's Hello Fresh? With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, why not just try Hello Fresh? What, what's Hello Fresh? With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. It's true, even before they were a sponsor, I was a Hello Fresh customer because they have

awesome vegan options. I make their creamy mushroom pasta all the time, not to mention last night, I made their creamy Southwestern black bean soup. And I think it's going to go into the regular rotation for sure. Of course, all that changes now that I've got these famous people cracker. Okay, but that's got to be super expensive, right? Well, actually according to the Saga dining survey, hello fresh is 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal at the same quality. And you can save on average over $65 per month when you order HelloFresh instead of grocery shopping.

That's money back in your pocket. Cheap and healthy meals delivered right to my door. I'm in. How do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com slash Awful 16 and Use Code Awful 16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. That's right. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Awful 16 and Use Code Awful 16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. That's right. Go to hellofresh.com slash awful 16 I used code awful 16 from the 16 free meals and three free gifts

Thanks guys. All right back to my famous people crackers Those are just Salteens aren't I? Well, yeah, I figured I earned a little revenge for the sweet movie sure, okay Plus I told him if he drinks water they stop working. Oh well done So dry. Oh, Michael, it sure has been tough for me out here. It'd be a prostitute in the mining town here in the middle of California. Well, indeed it has, but...

Okay, so this is the second sketch where I'm playing Michael and Eli's playing Angel. Okay, so Cara is calling Beeps now. Just what we're calling. We just figured that with the content that we're working with, the gender reversal would kind of sidestep the ugliness of this movie a bit. No, no, I get that, but are you sure that's it? I mean, I think so. Yeah, what are you implying about my?

Well, you guys still aren't doing video, right? Yeah, no, just audio. Yes, only audio podcast. So why has Eli been in full costumes? And I mean, different costumes for each one of these sketches. Oh, it helps me get into character. But do you have another costume change later in the show? Why?

No. Okay. I got a hint to him though that smokey eye is on point though. Oh no, that's true. It looks great. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin Angel, show it up in town just to find that the old brothel she was going to go back to work in has burned down in her absence. Oh yeah. But hey, credit to the movie. This is the first bad thing that has happened in the movie that hasn't happened directly to Angel. Well, look it up. But it has because two of her best friends burned to death in the fire, her only friends

in the whole world, basically. Right. Her only friends in the whole world and the guy that tells her about it has to go into all of this detail. So yeah, we could see him screaming for so low. We hear it and there's just, they were flamin' and they were like waving their arms in the out. So you got painted it.

Do you want to see this paint? I made it. Right, yeah, it's just on and on. Flip the pages. He's like, but if you want to go back to work, I could put you to work at my brothel. I'm like, this little fucking mining town was supporting two brothels.

Also, he offers her a garbage deal. And it's not like I know the economics of prostitution in like old mining towns in the West. But he says basically, we'll go 50-50 so long as I can like rape you anytime I want and don't have to pay for it. And she's like, deal. When earlier on the boat, she was getting 90%.

Yeah. Yeah. And giving the Pimp 10%. Yeah. I don't know. So why'd she take this without negotiating? Who even knows? I don't get this character at all.

Yeah. She was in California too. So you know she should have gone through an agent, right? Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Classic rookie mistake.

Yeah. So, so then we we cut back to the farm. Paul is getting back to the farm and Michael knows that he took her back into town to, you know, I don't know, just reignite her sinful ways or whatever. Right. So he's very mad at Paul and makes Paul leave. And Paul's an asshole. Yeah, so whole time. Yeah. He's like, I just fucked up. Well, he doesn't tell him, but like you can tell that he just fucked her. Yeah. Well, and and Paul is such a, the worst thing about the character of Paulist that there's no comeuppance, right? Like this character deserves to have like, you know,

at the least, at the very least, the staple of Marshmello man, once he melts has to fall on this guy, right? Right. Right. Exactly. Absolutely nothing in terms of comeuppance for Paul. If anything, he gets a redemption story at the end of the movie. I was gonna say the title applies to Paul. Right. Really more than anybody else. You're right. Yeah.

Yeah. Scott free. Scott free. So, yeah. So, so Michael comes bursting into the butt. This movie is taking a fucking mulligan at this point, right? Michael comes bursting in the bar where she's working and now is the sex worker again and rescues her again. Yeah.

With his terrible fight choreographer. I'm not going to lie. I was super bummed out at this point. I was like, I am not good enough friends with Jared to have asked her to watch this. This is gross. Like I'm not enjoying it. I have to write jokes and film time about this and then Paul comes. They might as well be counting with their lips. You were wrong. You weren't

you about that. You put the wrong name. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody cares. You know, like it doesn't matter really. Yeah. Yeah. But but Michael, Michael, and they might as well have their lips moving with the count. He's just like, it's like, come at me karate, right? Like, yeah, okay. But then you punch your little little, you come from, come from above, come from above, above. Yeah. It's like they work for two months choreographing that scene and that scene was 15 seconds long. Oh, it was so silly. Shortest fight scene of any movie ever. He goes into the room and he's like, do you want to be here or not? And she's like, no, I want to escape with you. He's like, do you want to be here or not? And she's like, no, I want to escape with you.

He's like, weird that that would be your motivation now. She's like, right. And then they go to leave. And the guy who hired her says she ain't going nowhere. And like his two heavies or whatever surround him. And so Michael starts rolling up his sleeves. And I'm like, oh my god, is he a karate ninja? Is he a karate ninja?

And he is a karate ninja. Just to be clear, just to? And he is he is a karate ninja. So just to be clear, just be clear, this movie is now more problematic and sexist than the Bible. It is pretend. At least the book of the Bible. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, so they have this very awkward ride back home where she's like, hey, did Paul tell you that he raped me on the way and he's like, well, he didn't have to. You could just had, you could tell. Like what did you, you smelled it on him?

What? Yeah. Clearly. He was doing that kind of walking you do when you got a sticky dick, but you haven't done the washcloth yet. No, I could tell. Trust me. I'm scared.

I'm so scared. Yeah, but he's, but he forgives her. He forgives her for getting raped by Paul. Yeah. Of course. By the way, Paul will be in the rest of this movie now, like that has not happened. Yep. Nope.

He'll just mope about. So okay. So that night Michael cries in the barn and she watches on. So she feels bad about what she's done to him by getting raped. Right. Yep. So she goes to wash the prostitution off of herself in the river. In the river, yeah.

But inner hair is conveniently covering her boobs the whole time. Right, yes, but we get to see some awfully jiggly side boob for a Christian movie. True, true. But then he shows up and he forgives her again more explicitly for all the things that have happened to her. Oh, right. He puts a jacket on her and takes her back on the shore and is like, your damage, but it's okay. And then he's like, let me tell you my story. Yeah, let me tell you my origin story. And you're like, okay, he's gonna have a dark backstory and that's gonna add some levels to his character.

Nope, I was too good for slavery. Yes, I'm gonna explain. Oh, everything about this character is so ridiculously one-dimensionally haggie graphics, right? So he's like, I grew up on a plantation but I was an abolitionist was like wow how incredibly unlikely historically speaking he's like yep pretty unlikely yep but I couldn't abide owning slaves so my dad tried to get me to rape a slave girl once so I would know how great it was to be a slave owner,

but I didn't, to which we're supposed to be like, oh, wow, he's quite gentleman, he could've rape a girl. He's like, good man, what else, how's he so romantic? Yeah, not raping a slave, my goodness. Right, yeah, exactly. And all the ladies in the movie theater are supposed to be like, swooning. Yeah.

Yes. Well, I love it. And he's like, and Iing. Yeah. Yes. Well, I love it. And he's like, and I left that very night. And she's like, but did you, do you leave or did you fuck her and then leave? Did you come or what? Yeah, yeah, they have to clarify. I'm right.

And then literally the next line is, should we plant some walnut to the back? Yeah, what's wrong with that? What's happening? Who, who got into that script right? I'm just just like, do you think we should plant walnut tree? And they kept it. Honestly, the only way that like be better is if milk girl had delivered.

Right. And she had popped out of the ground and been like, this would be better for walnuts. The biggest non-seq, but her like, what is happening? So yeah, so the Mulligan continues. We have the her learning to farm montage again, but this time, wait, wait, wait, wait, yeah, so the Mulligan continues, we have the her learning to farm montage again, but this time, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, I have to interject when they're literally like, should we play some walnut trees out of the blue? I just love this too much.

He says, fruit in the summer, nuts in the fall. Oh, that's right. He does. Like, he said that line to her throwing that out there, fruits in the summer, nuts in the fall theme of my orgy. All right. All right. You guys want to come? Good to have a theme. Oh, it's so bad.

Either of you replied to your e-vites. So then she gives the farmer's wife thing another go, but this time she can fish, et cetera. And now we have to shoehorn in this other family as a group of characters. You know how the best stories have to have an incident inside it every 46 seconds. Jesus, yeah, it's always great to introduce major characters in the third act there. So yeah, so they come across this family that's got a fucking flat wagon tire or something. They don't even bother.

Right. And they're like, well, why don't you just live here now forever? And they're like, that's a great idea. We should do that. Yep. Yeah. It's very Mormon. I'm getting like my own weird PTSD stuff going on.

Okay. All of these scenes. It's very like, take me back to my childhood because you know, when you, when you raised Mormon, you like reenact being a pioneer. Right. Heck yeah, you do. That's like a huge part of their like, oh yeah, their, you know, origin story. And so, yeah, there's like covered wagon parades and like, people wear the weird outfits. And yeah, it was making me really twitchy. They hire actors for the reenactment they do in Utica, New York. And if this wasn't actually a full-time job,

I would take that job and wreck it. I feel like we can give you time off with that, Eli. We'll talk after the record. So yeah. All right, yeah, we got a plan. So but yeah, they invite the family to show the family. By the way, the wife is pregnant. They've got like two kids, one of whom is like a plan. So, but yeah, they invite the family, just so the family, by the way, the wife is pregnant and they've got like two kids, one of whom is like a teenager.

Oh, yes, I love this. And the teenage girl is like, can we be friends? And she's like, why would you want to be my friend? And then she's like, cause you're cool. Tell me all about how you met your husband. And she's like, well, I was a prostitute. And he bought me.

And she's like, these. Ooh, was it with sweaty elbow, but it was with sweaty elbow, buddy. Yeah. Like she just straight up answers it, like straight up, doesn't hide. And the little girl to her credit is really cute. She's like, oh, you're being serious.

And she's like, yeah, and she's like, well, I still want to be your friend. Yep. That's nice. Yeah. Will you teach me the 360 twist? You know what we'll talk about a little later? It's like, no big deal.

So, yeah, so sometime later, I'd like, apparently, this is after the mom had the baby, but they had themselves a little, well, hold down. Okay. Did you guys expect a musical number in this movie at this point? Here's the thing. Okay. I have to say, part of this movie really got to me because they're playing like in parts of the movie, the soundtrack is like songs I already listened to.

Oh, wow. And it like, it was ruining them. And I was like, no, no, no. I was like forcing like, don't make it an association like no classical conditioning, no or operant conditioning. No, no, no. No, no. You know.

And so then, yeah, they're at their good old-fashioned hoedown and like dad of the, of the pioneer family is like a legit good banjo player and singer. And look, God, actually I'm enjoying this. Yeah, they do it. Well, they beat you down to a certain point and just like, oh wow, nobody's getting abused and the music isn't bad.

Sure, I'll take it. I'll take all of this. Right. Yeah. And then Paul's there and everybody likes Paul again. I don't like Paul. What? Yeah. Paul apologizes to Michael for raping angel in the middle of a hoedown montage. And we as viewers are supposed to go like, well, Paul has learned his lesson. There you go. Yeah. You apologize. Yes. To the husband for raping the what?

Swing your partner, Refton, right? Apologize to your brother for what it is, why? Yeah, because that's, you know, that is property. And actually the law was written that way. Like when a man raped another man's wife, the man would take, the man would go to the courthouse. Yeah. Because it was a sin against, or like a transgression against the husband. Also, a transgression against the husband.

Also, also a synagence to husband though, because that, you know, that law came from the Bible. Right, right, right. Yeah. There's this supposed to be sentimental moment where the people who've just moved in, the Mormons are like, we're naming our youngest son, the one who was just born Michael. After you, Michael and Paul is there and I really wanted Paul to be like, you're gonna have six with your kid?

Can I just start? I'm sorry, that's my thing. I'll cut him a thing, but I was gonna apologize later, okay. And then I realized there were still 30 minutes. I love it in this movie. You're like, what is this movie gonna take another Mulligan? Spoiler, this movie is gonna take another Mulligan spoiler? This movie is going to take another. She is.

So yeah, so we cut Michael and Angel so in their fields. And this is where she has to break it to him that she can't have any kids anymore because of the forced abortion thing. And he wants a baby. So he's never going to be happy with her. Right. And I was like, wait, why wouldn't she be able to have kids? But she makes it explicit that the horrible doctor ensured when he gave her an abortion without her permission that she could not have kids again. Like he intentionally mutilated her for that purpose. Right.

And Michael's response to this is not, I don't care I can forego my desire to have a family because I love you and I want to be with you or we can adopt or anything like that. He's like, I don't know. Maybe God will miracle a baby into you. Oh, yeah. He's like, never say never. Yeah. Right. I'm like wrong answer, bro. Yeah, but right before that, he says, I love you no matter what, but also I'd love you a whole lot more if you have my kid. Yeah, but I also, I refuse to believe that that is true about you so that I can get into the video.

Because mostly that's why I purchased you. Yeah. So oh, God, this is so, it's also fucking boring. So yeah, so we watched them eat dinner and have more fully clothed sex. I have like, why, why there's no cutting room floor on this movie? No, yeah, exactly. I do love the end of this scene though because he goes I love you, Angel. And she's like, that's nice. That's nice. Cut. I love spending time with you.

So then we cut to okay, so they've just had a lovely night of food and love making. The next morning, we cut to her folding up a letter and wrapping her wedding ring up with it because apparently, yes, we are taking another Mulligan and she's running away for a third time, but this time not because she wants to escape, but because she doesn't think she's a good enough woman for him. He needs someone to look at kids. This didn't happen in Hosea, by the way. Like, nope, if you watch this movie, you're like, oh, I get it because then his wife, she ran for three times, but you're like,

that's where they're at. Nope, they chose for this movie to be this boring and repetitive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so, so to be clear, her motivation is that pilgrim guy, or pioneer guy, Mormon guys, daughter who is her best friend, who is a child. Yes.

She's like 13, would be a better wife for him because she can bear children. Yes. That's her actual motivation, so she leaves to go back to being a sex worker, or at least, you know, or to do something. Yeah, to do something. Right. And she leaves a letter that she gives to the 13 year old girl saying like, Hey, I'm leaving but, you know, much like a discarded piece of furniture.

I would like to leave you my husband. Mm-hmm. I mean, look, she's been bought and sold like six times in this movie. Nobody can blame her for being like, Hey, I think you're allowed to just give Dix and vagina's away. So I leave you one coupon for one bad actor. Yeah. So yes. And then she hitches a ride with a guy with a comical number of pants on his wagon. Who doesn't rape her. Right. That's the, yep. The movie is turned now. Things are getting better. Yeah. It's weird. As she goes to San Francisco, shit turns around for her. Right, really, it seems like she just really need to get out of paradise, I think.

I was so traumatized by this movie that the rest of everything that happens in this movie, I'm like, oh no, it's coming. It's coming. Literally the old man who helps her up under the wagon, I was like, he's gonna get her. He's gonna get her. Nope. Go for the eyes, angel. Take his horse. So yeah, so but she instead she goes to San Francisco and gets a job as a cook with a guy who's just like, I'll hire you as a cook and not even rape you. Yeah. Yeah. The movie knows. The movie knows. So it explicitly spells

out to us like, and by the way, he's not gonna rape her. Oh, yeah. He literally is like, you can have your own quarters right next to the kitchen and there's a big lock on the door. Yeah. How they spell it out? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Which by the way, any other context with this movie way creepy. Yeah. And I was like, Hey, Carol, when you're in town for the New York live show with skeptics guy, you come stay with me. There's a huge lock on your door. Like, why is that why are you selling that Eli? It isn't which time. It's on my wife.

Right. We're excited. The door. Yeah. And so, okay. But back at the farm, of course, everybody's trying to talk Michael into going after her, but he's sick of this movie's cyclical bullshit. and he just wants to get on with it, right? Oh, yeah.

He's like, and like he's trying to make some sort of like incoherent point about free will, but you're like, I don't even know what your motivation is at this point. Right. Yeah. I say free will mattered to you. You know, that, that, I don't know what your motivation has been to this point, but yeah. So, okay. So, but her business, now that she's the cook,

the restaurant's just taken off, she's doing great. But dammit, if one day Duke's henchmen, the guy that she ran away from in Boston, doesn't see her through the window. Wait, so this is the father figure character slash pedophile? That it's his henchmen season. It's his henchmen season. Okay, okay. And so of of course he burns down her restaurant because burning down places that she works

is kind of a thing. It's like she's finally making a good life for herself and some fucking man. Yeah. Fuck it up. Uh-huh. It's just heartbreak. This movie is legit heart breaking. It would be if it wasn't so fucking cartoonish.

The right thing, you're gonna like go to another whore house and then she comes in and that bed is on fire. Oh, dappies. Yeah. But the thing that keeps you holding on sort of is that she is very good. Like, she is a good actress and she keeps, kind of the, you know, she keeps going

even in spite of all of this shit. Right. That's the thing. And that's one keeps kind of the, you know, she keeps going even in spite of all of this shit. Right. That's the thing. And that's one, one of the things that makes this so difficult is that she actually does sell all of this ridiculous suffering. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. And then so she's cleaning up after the fire. And of course, Duke shows up and he's like, now you have to be my prostitute again. And she's like, I don't want to be your prostitute. He's like, I'll kill the nice man who told you he would give you a big lock, so he wouldn't get raped if you don't be my prostitute. And she's like, oh, well, I guess I have to be your prostitute now.

Look, I guess I have to be a prostitute forever. That guy was nice to me once. Yeah, I didn't know who is the, yeah, what was the backstory here? He's like, if you don't come with me, I'm gonna kill Virgil Harper. Yeah, And we're supposed to know that that's the guy who just gave her a job at the restaurant. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. We're all to all of our notes. I was versus. Right. Right. I have to look to IMDB and go, wait, was he in this? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, okay. It's the guy with the lock. And this is the point where I predicted that the big payoff at the end, which is a teeny tiny payoff, would be the guy with the lock. And this is the point where I predicted that the big payoff at the end, which is a teeny tiny payoff, would be her giving her real name. Because at some point, they foreshadow, he's like, come on, angel, and she's like, that's not my name. And I'm like, oh God, she's gonna tell her real name to Michael,

and they're gonna live happily ever after. Yeah. I wish her name had been hamburger whatever So yeah, so he takes her back to his casino brothel and just in case this movie hadn't been hard enough for you to watch He has to kick his child right out of the bed. No literally and she's young like 11. Yeah, no like eight Okay, sure very young So you're like okay, there's a young child sleeping in his bed. Maybe it's his daughter. No.

Maybe they're just really poor. And then they're like, no, we're gonna make this pedophilia. That's what we're gonna make. Exactly. He actually has two rapier girls that he keeps in there. And then at the end of the scene, he's gonna go in the other room and audibly rape them so that we have to hear their screams.

And we're gonna to listen to gas. Yeah. Jesus, what? The fuck? The fuck? Doing lines of dead puppy at the end of the scene, we're just like, oh, okay. And angels like just crying in a rumpled mess on the floor, like reliving all of her childhood trauma.

Yeah. Like, we have to watch this whole thing play out. It's fun moving. Fun, fun. Yeah. Yeah. No way you wrote fuck this movie That nails and boy and then I wrote though to be fair when your source material is the Bible So and then and we cut immediately from that to a little dance number little ragtime music and a dance number Yeah, baby up and he's about to take her on stage

He's like I got a show off my best prostitute on stage. And I'm like, if she does a type five, right? Like if she goes out there, she says, who's drinking tonight? I will, I mean, I won't love the movie, but I'll at least love the guts it had at the end, right? What's with men always leaving the toilet seat up? Am I right? So, but instead she starts praying to Jesus. Oh, yeah, she tries out a little Michael juice. Yeah. Michael magic. To be clear, according to the world of this movie, God was sitting there watching her Pimp rape children.

And then she was like, hey, I would love if that stopped. And he was like, all right, since you asked nicely, I'll send your dead mom back as a ghost to tell you the game plan. Yeah. And it's a pretty good game plan. I mean, I'm glad I didn't backfire. Sure. Sure.

Good a bad fire. So, yeah. So, so the introducer to the stage and he's like, yes, what possible bad could come of giving her a microphone right now to a group of strangers. And she's like, she's like, hey, so he's raping children upstairs. This guy right over here. Yep. And luckily, as you said, that didn't go bad. They could have very easily been like, really? How much, how much for the, but no, the people are furious. And they rebel against him. And she manages to, to run off, right?

Ooh. And, and the only other black person in the movie saves her. Yeah. He just attacks the henchmen. He's a total badass. I love him. He was my favorite character in the whole movie. And by the way, she doesn't thank him or do anything. He just, she just runs off and he's like, Oh, you're welcome. I'll just, I'll just keep being a black guy and cowboy times. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to know my name so I can get an over five? Yeah. Nope. Nope. Sure. Sure. Sure. We don't. So, yeah, yeah, do you want to know my name so I can get an over five? Yeah, no, no, sure, surely don't. Okay. So, yeah, so but she rescues the two little girls and runs off the black guy stops Duke

and she hits the henchmen with like one of those fireplace poker things right in the fucking face. Nice. Damn, straight she does. And then the crowd l inches Duke, they, they hang it. It's just so sloppy. It's such a sloppy plot idea. I was literally laughing.

She's just like, that guy's a pedophile and they're like, wait, instantly believe you. Let us unite as a casino for justice. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. That's hence my comment about it's a good thing it didn't backfire. It didn't let murder that guy. Right, no, exactly.

And that's just a thing after didn't backfire. Yeah, it didn't hurt or that guy. Right. No, exactly. And that's just a thing after meandering and doing nothing for two hours and eight minutes, the movie's like, oh, fuck, we got five minutes. Shit, shit. Right? Because then we time jump to three years later. So so she's in San Francisco. Paul sees her. He's oneinder in San Francisco, the shitty brother

in law, and he sees her going into fucking our lady of act three resolutions, Conventor, whatever. Yeah, it's literally called the House of Magdalena. Which, if you're naming a like special nunnery for ex prostitutes, I feel like you don't call it that house of Magdalene. Why, you actually do. I bet you there are places like that. Yeah, probably. Like Catholic places that are literally called

Mary Magdalene's drown your face in this holy water. Yeah, nunnery. Sure. Yeah, I was confused. I was like, is she a nun, but then they explain, no, this is where like ex-sex workers go to like learn not to be sex groups. Yeah, learn a useful trend.

You can't tell because you can't quite see the chalkboard, but they're planning to take down porn hub as she was. Oh, nice. It's a whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, but Paul comes into Finder and they have a conversation where it's revealed that he

married Miriam, the 13 year old kid that Angel tried to leave Michael to. Mm-hmm. Right, this terrible rapist of a character that was never, you know, never got any come up and he got, he got a love interest at the end. A child. Thank you.

This movie is very sure that I care about this fuckstick and I super duper to not know like it's not better that you marry to child like this nothing about this is redeeming no no and well and then this is where and and he explains that Michael still pines for her every day because he's so a weird fuck that thought you could just buy yourself a wife and then this is where Paula apologizes to her and asks for her forgiveness. And she's like, yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah, she's like, I forgave you like years ago.

Here's what's so terrible. And again, this is the insit, again, not a fun movie, but important to talk about because what she says is, well, after I got forgiven after all, I did. How could I not forgive you? Yeah, after all the times I was victimized by not my fault. Right. Yes. She was sold into sexual slavery when she was 10. Yeah, after all the times I was victimized by not my fault. Right. Yes, she was sold into sexual slavery when she was 10.

Yeah. I was a sex slave and you were a sex slave. Same Z's were good. Right, right. Right. Like the reason that they had sex on that drive to town is because he threatened her life if she didn't let him pay for the ride this way. Yeah, right.

Exactly. And she's like, yeah, but I forgive you for all of that because there's only four minutes left in the movie. He's like, well, come back with me to the farm and be with Michael. And she's like, if I committed to that, the movie could end. And it doesn't. It just goes on for eternity because Noah is dead and doesn't realize he's in hell yet. That's what I wrote.

I'm sorry. The turn out not to be correct. That was my prediction at the time. He's like, well, the carriage leaves it for so that way there can still be some suspense, I guess, as to whether or not you'll show up. Oh, God. Yeah. It's like just get it over with already. Right. Yes. So yeah. So we get him coming, getting back to the farm to his wife, pregnant Miriam, who this movie seems to think we're gonna Remember a slash give a shit about And she's like did you find angelie says well, I guess we'll have to find out in the next scene won't we? And we cut the Michael plowing his fields and

His plow breaks or something and he's like wow my life sure does suck everything just goes wrong for me But then he notices at the edge of the field angel standing there. And again, this movie can't even do its final scene good because there is a very distracting. Let me explain on God's behalf music. He's going on. So they're supposed to be reuniting and someone's like, let me explain where God let you get more or less It is a child and then kill your mom and then soldier into six slavery three separate times and then burn down You've sex slavery place and then burn down your bakery and I The other thing that bucks this movie up is this is supposed to be the rushing into each other's arms moment at the beach or whatever But it's a plowed field and she's coming sideways across it.

So she's just gingerly picking her way across that field for like eight years. It takes so long. Like all get dropped her off closer. Right. Like, I made her walk across this farm to get there. Oh, Jesus Christ. So yes, so she finally gets there and she tells, as predicted, she says, my real name is Sarah

and I've never told anyone that. I know, can they come up with something like, did they just figured we wouldn't notice if they just picked a different Bible name? Yeah, right, yeah. That's what that was, right? I did postulate in my notes. I was like, okay, how do we make this movie worth it? What would her real name be that would be funny? I had

Rand Paul and floodrucker. He didn't know about gomer yet. I didn't know about gomer. There was a real answer waiting for him. Yeah, exactly. But she loves him now and she apologizes to him again again again. Yes. Yeah. And promises to be obedient property from now on. Oh, and then of course, what are they close with? Right. It's so predictable.

She hurt you to risk works after all. And she had a baby and another on the way. Yeah. Just when you think that they're going to end a movie allowing a woman that can't have kids to get through the film and be whole despite that no, no, come give me a fucking break She's a regular baby factory at this point everyone lived happily ever after. Yeah, okay And again, I don't want to give this movie any credit because it doesn't deserve any But this child actor with the fishing pole going buck wild, where both of them very

clearly break character. Amazing way to end the movie. Yeah, no, it is. It is the most delightful shot in the movie literally closes on this kid being like, wow, I am an angel. We have. So made Michael cry. All right.

So that, but that's the end of it. It's all over. He found a wife that had long legs and love to fish. What is the fucking point? What is the moral of this story? I don't know. Cara, I want you to know I forgive you for watching this movie. Alright, well, Cara, thank you so much for hanging out with us. We promise to go easier on you next time assuming that wasn't enough to run you off completely. I guess we'll find out, right? And well, that does it for our review of redeeming love. That's not going to do it for the episode yet, because we still need to do something

less triggering next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, no, after this week, I think we could all use a chuckle. So we'll be watching a flat earth documentary. And I am using the term super lightly here level. Oh, well, like after this week, I'm legitimately looking forward to that. So like with that, the legitimately look forward to we're gonna bring up a three forty to one, merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for hanging out with us today. Be sure to check the show notes for links to her

other projects and perhaps even huge, or thanks to all the Patreon donors that shall help make the show go. If you like to catch up with them, they're actually making per episode donation of Patreon.com. So I got off on there by your early access to an ad free version of my re-episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows and scanning and the authentication and the D&D- and the Skaptocrite of Evil Forever podcast live.

If you have questions, comments, and send them out suggestions, you can email Godoff from moves to gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, if this is a PN for retours. Tim Robison takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in before by Ryan Slot and even more drafts on Mars, all of the musicals written in before by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week. For Heath and right knee, that's the end of the video. I'm no loose and sprung to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Turns out Michael is a really shitty drunk. Oh, God. Don't worry, you'll see him in all his abuse of glory in redeeming love, part two, fist

of the redeemer. Oh, Jesus. Paul went on to at least get his nuts stopped flat by a boulder or something. Come on. Eli tried to start hang bread, Kavanaugh chance, and a bunch of young Republican events, but all he got was picked out, didn't work. That's not all you get, you gotta visit it,

you gotta visit this street. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzzle Nathana Sturm LLC, Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.