God Awful Movies - 345: Buying Time

Starting point is 00:00:00 He says, let me explain this to show, if you had everything that you ever wanted, would it be enough? That would be great, that would be perfect. Yes! Oh my god that line was so good! Right and then the kid is just going like, well I mean if one of the things I wanted was enough, then yes, my definition, that would be included in the things. And that's like, okay by amazing verbal traps, you can really work there. Yeah, back to the story. I do another guest, Carb and donuts or something. God awful movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be He's welcome back. Thanks Noah. Fast cars. Very excited. Let's do it. A lot of room and sitting nine out of my mastermind Northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnicki.

Starting point is 00:01:08 Like how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fine. No, but I'd prefer for this episode to be known by my racer name. Mm hmm. What's that? Emisal. Emisal. Oh, nice.

Starting point is 00:01:19 Nice. Are you sure I'm making a summon? Anybody want to do that? Mine's just that noise. That's fine. Oh, all right. So tell us what will we be breaking down today? Of course, it was dumb. That's like offensive actually.

Starting point is 00:01:30 That's his word. Oh, sure. Thank you. You lie. Wow. All right. Well, anyway, we watched Buying Time. It's the story of street racing fast cars and proving Christianity at the same time.

Starting point is 00:01:45 Yeah, it's the fast and the spurious. Oh, fully they thought of that title in Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love when cars go room, but Jesus makes your heart go boom, then you will love this moon. Moom. The moon. Moom V. Moom V. I like.

Starting point is 00:02:08 Moom V. There you go. There you go. Thank you for saving it. Wrap. Yeah. So clearly this is a movie that was inspired by somebody who saw fast from the furious or some street racers or something and thought, oh, I wanted to do that, but with Jesus.

Starting point is 00:02:22 And then realized along the way that it's actually very complicated to get us to be able to go. Yeah, yeah, I'm tricky. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst in voluntary actor. So I'm pretty sure that the actor who plays the kid, So we're gonna get to it right away. There's a kid in this interrogation room scenario and he's being asked questions.

Starting point is 00:02:50 For the first half of the movie, he's responding to it all like he's actually been abducted and an actual shroud has been put on his head and then pulled off and he's being asked questions. And then the second half of the movie, they were like, no, no, we're doing a Christian movie and he likes acts for the last half. Okay. I think that's what happened. All right. Interesting theory. Interesting theory. I was going to go with best worst random Republican applause points. Yeah. This movie will

Starting point is 00:03:20 do the weirdest shit. We're like all of a sudden apropos of nothing. Somebody'll turn to the fucking camera and go, and then you tell one N word joking of kids so you with their kids will call it your right? Right, right. But they're always doing sci-fi world building as they do it, right? They'll be like, now that the mega-trons run the land and you can't say that trans people

Starting point is 00:03:43 are cheating every time they do sports. The world's a different place. Ranked the races of these babies, Katana's round jacks, and right now. All right, I'm going to take a subtle one. It's half a second at most, but I am going to go with, and it's a big claim, best worst space work. Okay. We have seen someone pick up a sandwich, turn it over and then turn it back over before it. I think you are right. Okay, but did they have a tantrum about the sandwich?

Starting point is 00:04:14 They did not. No, you're talking about the ball. You must be talking about the ball. You will get to the ball. I'm very excited. I loved that moment and watched it at least eight times. All right. It's so stupid.

Starting point is 00:04:27 Well, clearly we can't get started unless we rev our engines and squeal our tires for a few minutes. So we're gonna take time for a quick break, but we'll be back in a hurry with all the clumsily framed horseshit of buying time. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I'm no illusions. I'm Ethan, right? And I'm Eli Bosnick. Fuck you, Canada. Eli, what the hell are you doing? This is the part where we're telling people about our Toronto live show on May 7th, right?

Starting point is 00:04:55 Well, yeah. Well, last time we did that, I told Canadians that they hadn't bought enough tickets and then we almost completely sold out our VIP and platinum tickets. So, you know, syrup, jawed fuckers, you're syrup jawed. It worked, okay. I know, I'm pretty sure people just heard about the show and then got excited to see us. Anyway, so anyway, we're gonna be reviewing Journey to Hell, a Christian damn nation fantasy, so absurd that all the demons are wearing kiss makeup.

Starting point is 00:05:20 Kiss makeup, yeah, no, it's true. They are, plus the VIP tickets come with the best seats and a meet and greet with the cast after the show. Get a real king. What's a prime minister and and our platinum tickets come with a free game night with us the day before the show and all the merch and dinner. I'm pretty sure it's the insults. Moose fuckers. I don't think that's what it is. So if you'd like to join us check the links on the show notes or go to god awful movies live.com for more info Again, that's god awful movies live.com God awful movies live in Toronto may Seventh and we apologize for Eli in advance for whatever else he says Horton is worse than Duncan. Okay. Now you've gone too far Okay, well, I mean that's just objectively true. No, the fuck it isn't

Starting point is 00:06:03 Okay, well, I mean that's just objectively true. No, the fuck it isn't All right guys, it's time for our to write our next smash it Christian movies. So um, you know, what's what's popular? Hmm, let's see it's 2019 so people liked Joker Joker. Yeah, Avengers endgame. No, that was big Nope, can't do't do anything like that's too big. What about like car movies? Cars no, no, no like the movie cars like the ones with like Vim Diesel and the other guy Actually, you can Vin Diesel. That's that's what I said no You said them you go with it said Vim it does you so very clearly really it doesn't matter Don't those movies like the angry and the cars or whatever. Fast and the furious.

Starting point is 00:06:46 Yeah, that's it. Let's make one of those. Okay, so what's in one of those? Oh, cars? Explosions, stunts, they do stuff like that. Okay, I can't do those last two at all. What? They talk?

Starting point is 00:07:04 Okay, technically. All right, so we make a talking and cars movie. The kids will love it. So what kind of cars do you guys drive? I have a Prius. I was biking a lot lately. Personally, I try to go green, so that doesn't really matter. Oh, so we can rent nice cars.

Starting point is 00:07:20 Yeah, like a Toyota Camry. Yep, exactly like that. Like a Corolla. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off on a Bible quote, first Peter 5.8, which is about being sober and vigilant and thus a great Bible passage to smoke a bowl too. Sure. Well, and sober and vigilant because the devil is always about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Yeah, just constantly this reminded me from the start of the movie like Christian people are afraid of a literal goat demon on a daily basis.

Starting point is 00:07:59 They think about that. Antenine Scalia was a supreme court justice. Yep, who thought about that every day? Mm-hmm. My paraphrase of that quote is, there are monsters under your bed. So we get that. And then this title card comes up and it says, the story you are about to witness takes place in the near future, but it's typed out based on the sound effect on a Commodore

Starting point is 00:08:20 64. Yeah. Really wish the title card guy was a faster type. It's like, yeah. Cheek. Cheek, she is like, ah, come on, mom. Just call. It's I don't. I can never remember where the am is. Also, no, it doesn't take place in the near future. No, what fucking got a title card is that? Well, and then they add sort of a, like a for realsies, though, title card, after that, right? They're like, this movie is like a for realsies though title card after that, right?

Starting point is 00:08:45 They're like, this movie is like a metaphor for other stuff. Doesn't it say like don't ignore this war? It says like this is a warning and then it's like, no, but seriously, don't I'm moving. I'm moving. Oh, yes. Yes. For real.

Starting point is 00:09:00 Don't turn it off. Okay, one more title card. Seriously. Take it serious. Go. Yeah. So then we finally get done with more title card. Seriously, take it serious. Go. Yeah. So then we finally get done with our title cards. We're on a, we're watching a motorcycle and learning that these people don't really know how to film a close up of a motorcycle while it's in motion.

Starting point is 00:09:16 There's a lot of cameraman being like, I think I got it. What if I drop in on a skateboard ramp, right next to a Mrupha as he's going, but we'll put the ramp next to the, no, I hurt myself. Okay, that didn't work. No. So yeah, so we're getting a motorcycle driver,

Starting point is 00:09:35 we're getting black and white street race flashbacks. Yeah, a lot of people sitting around revving their engines, I wrote in my notes, I'm glad my next door neighbor got his own movie. Heeey. For him, you have a fun relationship with your next door neighbor. I tried vent radical vulnerability. Yeah. Yeah. How'd that go? So, and then the title card comes up of the movie itself. It's buying time. I read Berger time because of the retro game thing, but it's it is buying time. So anyway, at length, motorcycle guy eventually ends up

Starting point is 00:10:06 pulling up to a warehouse and having a generic bad guy exchange. Correct. As soon as we cornered him and I wrote my notes, really? I want to see that, right? It's just like, you're under arrest. It's two four, so it's devastating. It's guilty. It was me.

Starting point is 00:10:24 I killed them. Yeah, I just had it in my notes as Black Suit Sunglass guy is submitting his folder to Black Suit GoT guy. Both of them had GoT's in sunglasses by the way. I don't know why I designated them that way. I guess they did. And so then like one of our main characters has a shroud over his head and he's in this warehouse see thing.

Starting point is 00:10:48 They pull it off and you watch him in his eyes, be like, okay, sunglasses in the dark. I go T, you're, you're henshin it? Yeah, you're a henshin. What's going on? Clearly. Right now. Well, but before he says any of that to himself, you see him move his head back and forth

Starting point is 00:11:07 with martial arts sound effects. Yes. There's a lot of head turn fully going on in this mean. But yeah, he looks at ominous go-t guy and then clearly what the writer's going for here is like creepy agent Smith monologue But it's fucking hilarious Sanity hey Steve we're gonna write the opening monologue for your evil character What can he do to really express how dangerous he is I go to a chiropractor

Starting point is 00:11:39 Libertarian chiropractor arguments have you ever Slept on your neck weird? Scary, scary, scary, scary. Yeah, he does this whole big cracks his neck and then he talks about cracking his neck and how he used to go to a chiropractor and then he decided to start doing the self chiropractic and I'm like, that sounds every bit as effective at least.

Starting point is 00:12:03 And this is our kidnaps actually abducted actor here and I'm like, that sounds every bit as effective at least. And this is our kidnap actually abducted actor here. And I'm quite certain that so he's responding to this all happening. I think a shroud was really pulled off his head. And then a guy was like, I go to the chiropractor and he's like, what? And then the guy continues to give the libertarian chiropractor speech where he's like, so we should be allowed to break our own neck. If we want to, I told my chiropractor, I wanted to do my own chiropractor stuff and he was like, don't do that. You might break your neck, but I think that we should be allowed to do that, right? Any pauses and the kids like,

Starting point is 00:12:39 what is happening? It's even better than that. The kid replies, are you gonna hurt me? Well, at first the kid pauses and then the guy keeps going. He's like, no, this is America, like free market, neck breaking. And he's like, I feel like you're doing rhetorical questions in a speech or you can get mad if I jump in. But are you, he paused? Are you asking me if I agree with your free market libertarian neck breaking speech? It's so confusing. This kid is not acting yet. Yeah. I think you found his acting a lot more convincing than I did. Yeah. So I found it infomercials level. Yeah, right,

Starting point is 00:13:18 right. But so but they're like, he's like, what do you want from me? And they're like, all we need you to do is talk to someone and then you'll get a fresh start. Like being born again, the wing guy wearing sunglasses, you can't tell, but I'm wing king. Oh. And he's like, yeah, sure, man, I'll talk to somebody and they put a hood back on him and he's like, with a fucking hood, okay, fine, whatever, fuck. And then they scream flushes a bunch of times to fuck with Eli's epilepsy warnings. Yeah. See safe. And then they screened, flashed us a bunch of times to fuck with Eli's epilepsy warnings. Yep.

Starting point is 00:13:45 See safe. So sometime later, he's still at that same table, they take his hood off again, and now there's a different guy across from him. And it's his estranged father. Oh, okay, I need to talk about the old age makeup. Ha, ha, ha, there's an eight year age difference between these two actors. So they have decided to take a good hard look at the front of the old man costume. They bought it Halloween adventure. And using the makeup, they bought it Halloween adventure. Try to make him look somewhere between 40 and 80. Well, Parker, they try these amazing,

Starting point is 00:14:27 crow's feet out as I just like, dude, the guy's supposed to be 40. Yeah. I really thought it was Steven Baldwin for a second. I got no fucking excited, but then they like zoom in a little closer. I was like, oh, okay, well, it's like Steven Baldwin,

Starting point is 00:14:40 but he found the antidote to whatever poison is fucking in the mold. So he's like, he's a, he's a, took some, you know, Benadrill, it's like Steven Baldwin with a little bit of Benadrill. even Baldwin, but he found the antidote to whatever poison is fucking in the mall. So he's like, he's a salty thing. Took some, you know, Benadryl. It's like Stephen Baldwin with a little bit of Benadryl. It's a little more reasonable. I literally, I like the second they showed him.

Starting point is 00:14:52 I was like, oh, I look this up at IMTP. I didn't know there was a Baldwin in it, but then yeah, you can get a better shot of him. He's very clearly not a Baldwin. By the way, dad's name is Nicholas Demis. Yes. So I bet his middle initial is, oh, Nicodemus is gospel of the years.

Starting point is 00:15:09 Did I mention that I'm Irish? Does that whole, he's a super rich guy who brought like a whole bunch of impossibly big amount of allo to Jesus' burial too. It's so dumb and they actually bring it back and they're so goddamn proud of themselves. Yes, they really are. I also have to talk about an inconsistency here when this scene starts. He's struggling right Against ropes. We assume are tying him right then they take it off and he sees his dad and he just gets up

Starting point is 00:15:36 Because he forgot he was supposed to be tied. Yes He gets on me still handcuffed and he's yelling at him and everything and boy boy is he yelling. My notes here were just yelling, acting over and over again. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yelling is acting. Look at me. I am yelling. Yeah. But we established here that dad was physically abusive and then just left him at a certain

Starting point is 00:15:59 point and he was like taken as a word of the state, right? Right. It's like someone wrote the dialogue for an abusive father, but in a heist movie, right? Because it's like, I don't want to talk to you. Don't want to or can't want to. What's the difference? Honestly, it felt like a computer wrote it. You know, when they like feed a bunch of movies into a computer, it felt like they fed

Starting point is 00:16:21 all the ocean's movies into a computer and one O'Neal drama. And this is what's spanned out. By the way, that's explaining how he's not abusive anymore. The context though is he's saying, I'm not abusive anymore. They're inside a fucking CIA black site where he's going along with his kid who's been abducted and shrouded in handcuffs.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Yeah. And they're interrogating him in this dark warehouse. Yeah. And he's like, there's an amazingly stupid line that I have to point out at one point. And the dad says to the kid, the kid's name is Adam. The dad's name again is Nick. Nick says, Adam, you'll never know where you're going until you know where you've been. And I'm like, okay, that's, that's wrong. Right? That's incorrect. And me, like, if you, if you wiped

Starting point is 00:17:09 my memory entirely and put me in front of a Starbucks and moving towards it, I would know where I was going. It's the nature of vectors. Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, I don't know why I felt the need to point that out. But yeah. And then the kids like, all right, you said I had to talk to them. I've already talked to them. So I get get I get to leave, right? Technically. I don't think black site people let you go on technicalities like that. I'm not. Fuck we job. We said we said it. We said it. We said it. We did say and we're a black

Starting point is 00:17:37 site of our word. No one's ever more. We're just, oh, shit. And then we also established that both dad and son are in the street racing. Dad was a big street racer as a kid. And then we also established that both dad and son are in the street racing. Dad was a big street racer as a kid and that's what Adam does now too. Adam says to him, he goes, just because we both race cars doesn't make me your son. And he was like, well, that is true. No, that is not what makes him his son. But dad says, I was a street racer and I never lost. I'm like, that's unlikely. Undefeated at unsanctioned street racing. Yes. Undefeated. There's also a great moment

Starting point is 00:18:15 here where I'm trying to do like a, there used to be this one course because they're about to doodly do us to the race, right? And he's like, there was this one course. It was perfect for racing. One mile law. And I was like, wow, that's a short fucking race. Well, that's what they want to do with the drag race. But that's that you need the road has to be more than one mile long. You can't just end right there. I won because my car started first. Yeah, so it's like a Wiley Coyote scenario. This doesn't go well. Yeah, but we do totally do back in dads. There were these two brothers, the Destin brothers.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Right? Petty and Ben Destin. Yeah, Destin, yeah. And we'll help you out here in a way that the movie didn't help us out. From here on out, Dad will be telling the story of PD and Ben Destin, right? Yeah. That is incredibly unclear within the film. You're constantly asking who are these people that he's talking about?

Starting point is 00:19:23 Eventually, the movie fills you in. But from here on out, the past story will not be a flashback of dad's memories, but rather of Ben and PD Destin. Right. Ben and PD Destin who he knew only peripherally. Right. Anyway, so we see that Ben and PD are at a street race and then we see somebody get into an accident and get hospitalized and we zoom in on that person's eyes

Starting point is 00:19:46 And then have that person's flashback Yeah, which is also the story that dad is telling right? We're in a flashback in a story to be clear and This let's get even more confusing with the fucking plot of this movie. He's flashing back even more confusing with the fucking plot of this movie. He's flashing back from an accident he's in to the time he recovered from a different action that we never reference otherwise in the movie. Yeah, this movie has sort these actors don't shower very often So okay, but the guy who is in the with all the fake blood that's been so we we see Ben waking up post-accident but not that accident No and Gus the pushy preacher is there who the fuck are these people who the fuck is Gus? I don't know the movie's pretty sure I know who these people are though and what happened. Yeah. We didn't see it. When

Starting point is 00:20:50 they show the crash, they were standing at the beginning of the race and then they got like what happened to the race? It was like they were watching someone else get into a wreck. Yeah. It was like the first time they did a race and they were like, you know what? Full circle was a mistake. I say we just we ended out there and then you know, fool me once. Okay. But yeah, so Ben wakes up in this room. He's got a broken arm and he's got a cast on this leg and he also has classic one-dimensional personality movie room. Right? Like, he's into cars. So there's a picture of an engine on his wall on his shelf. I shit you not. There's a book just called cars. Yeah. He's also like 30. He should have a race car, man. He really should have. Yeah. I don't know how old he's supposed to be, but he very much has the room of like a six year old who's really into cars. Yes. Uh,

Starting point is 00:21:40 yeah. So, but so Gus is there and he's like, I'm kind of like your dad, but not exactly. Right? He goes into their backstory. Yeah. You know the last thing, you know the last thing your father said to me when he died. So just to be clear, we're now hearing a story within a flashback inside the story. Since, since, so Russian nesting doll of bullshit. Yeah. Also just to be clear,

Starting point is 00:22:08 Gus just saw this kid wake up from almost dying in a car crash and he's like, so funny, so you're dead got killed by a drunk driver. That was like a whole thing. I'm tech, he said last words right before he died. I'm, I'm basically your dad now. Yep, so dibs and this kid's like, thanks, thanks, God's feeling great.

Starting point is 00:22:26 Can you leave now? I'm feeling so much better. You're, you're done. Well, it'd be nice if he was, but instead Ben is like, well, you know, I've been thinking about it, Cousin, I'm afraid of going to hell. I want to be a Christian.

Starting point is 00:22:39 And I'm like, you can't be afraid of going to hell unless you're already a Christian. Right. I don't, I don't understand afraid of going to hell unless you're already a Christian. Right, I don't understand why you people don't get that those two things have to exist together. You know how you guys aren't worried about Shiva like at all? Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:58 So fucking, but bento sides, he wakes up from his accident and he's like, you know, I could have died in that accident. I wanna be right with Jesus in case that happens again. Yeah. And God's like, so yeah, you just tell God that you're like on board with it. And then he fucked up doing that.

Starting point is 00:23:14 He's like, he totally got us. Oh, I just talked to God, that seems hard. All right, no, I got it, I'll try it. Hey, God, today, kill me now, fuck, sorry. I said kill me now with the it. Hey, God today, uh, kill me now. Fuck, sorry. I said kill me now with the first thing I thought it was. It's kill me. Was that what did I do it right? No. But so Ben becomes Christian and then we cut back to the interrogation room. Where Adam is just laughing at how boring and stupid this movie is, right?

Starting point is 00:23:41 Oh my God. And he's trying to do. So he's got his head down on his arms. Like he's a badly behaved child, right? Yeah. And he's trying to do the like slow clap like, but his head's down his arms. So it's like, oh, oh, and the dad has to be like, I can't, I can't hear you have to sit down. But he's like, I was saying, ha, ha, I don't, um, I don't care about your story. So see you know. And then as though this movie wasn't already confusing and stupid enough, Adam says, I don't even get it.

Starting point is 00:24:12 The guy gets to do an accident and BAM he becomes Christian and the dad's like, huh, BAM was Christian. He's like, what? And he's like, BAM was Ben's nickname. He's like, why are we, are we to do a who's on first base in the middle of this shit? Why? It was insane. The level of convoluted and nonsensical that this dialogue develops into. It's like, have you ever been watching a program and then you accidentally hit a button on the remote and it's Spanish? It's like, that's how this movie fell.

Starting point is 00:24:44 Or like, you know how like sometimes you'll turn two pages instead of one in. It's like, that's how this movie felt. Or like, you know how like sometimes you'll turn two pages instead of one in a book and like the sentence kind of lines up and you're just like, wait, why is he here now? Yeah. A lot of that in this movie. There's one line in this scene where he says, how many times have you been somewhere? He does. And then he pauses for like eight minutes. Infinity zero. I wrote all the time. I love them. Yeah. But the point of how many times you've been somewhere long pause is how many times if you've been somewhere and felt like you

Starting point is 00:25:17 were being watched. And this is where we get something that I don't think ever pays off, which is demon vision. Yes, right, right. The point of this speech is that there are demons just sort of hanging out watching us when we do bad stuff. Yep, and we actually see the demons I view demons apparently have terrible peripheral vision. I guess. Yeah. I wanted the kids to be like, hey, Dad, are you doing like CGI in your own head right now?

Starting point is 00:25:47 Cause you're like staring up and waving your hands. It's the demons in the room with us. No, they are. Jesus Christ. Are you gonna be okay? Really wanted the demon to turn it up to 1.5 speed like I was. Oh God, I'm so bored. I'm just better.

Starting point is 00:26:03 So then we like, we rev our way into another flashback so the movie can tease us. We get like the getting ready for the race scene, but apparently like demons eye view is at the race. Oh, I really wanted a third person cut of this demon just trying to blend in and drag it. Seven foot tall fire demon being like, who are you guys gonna bet on?

Starting point is 00:26:25 My name is Franklin. See, that's the problem though, demons can't interact with anything apparently. Well, first of all, they can't see very well, which is a weird drawback. They can't like do any that they can only watch, but what this demon in the demon idea was watching is a whole bunch of vices that's happening.

Starting point is 00:26:45 Right. So, yes, this is walk past everything. Be like, oh, I guess I don't really have to be here. Yeah. Right. It's like, oh, nice. Nice. Nice meeting you. It's a moking and others, you know, it's a lust in hearts, probably. I don't know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:58 So, yeah. So we get that. We get a car, go a tumbling as if, and this isn't something that's happening in the movie right now, by the way. This is just a flash forward to an accident that's going to later happen. So this is just here to confuse us again about the timeline. Yeah. All right, so while everybody putters

Starting point is 00:27:17 with the hell that wreck was in relation to the rest of the movie, I guess we can pause for another break, but we're back in our hurry with even more buying time. So we're just getting no marshmallow peeps after the last time, yes. I hate this. Oh, and we need some coffee too. Oh, oh, uh, who are you? Hello, I'm grocery store coffee beans. What do you say, boys? Ready to take me home? Um, no, Vince, but you see him.

Starting point is 00:27:46 I know, old. Oh, I am. The coffee beans you find at the grocery store are months old, at least. Which can leave your coffee tasting bland, bitter and chalky, but I mean, what else are you gonna do? I mean, we could just sign up for trade coffee. What's... Trade coffee? Is that a new gender? Because I don't for trade coffee. What's trade coffee?

Starting point is 00:28:05 Is that a new gender? Because I don't understand that stuff. No, no, trade coffee connects customers to the freshest and best tasting coffee they've ever made at home by partnering with the country's best craft roasters. These are independent businesses from big cities and small towns. Trade customers are truly impactful

Starting point is 00:28:22 for these independent roasters, often being the largest source of new growth for them. It's true. Trades in a three months of coffee to try, and I was amazed by how much their quiz nailed Heath and Eless tastes. It's true. They really did. Wait, a quiz?

Starting point is 00:28:35 Like, to see if you're a kami? No, no, man. Just answer a couple of questions, and you'll get your own personalized variety of coffees delivered fresh to you as often as you like. No gimmicks. Darn, that sounds good. It is good. and you'll get your own personalized variety of coffees delivered fresh to you as often as you like. No gimmicks. Turn.

Starting point is 00:28:47 That sounds good. It is good. Right now, trade is offering new subscribers a total of $30 off their first order plus free shipping when they go to drinktrade.com slash awful. That's more than 40 cups of coffee for free. Get started by taking their quiz at drinktrade.com slash awful and let trade find you a coffee you'll love That's drink trade.com slash awful for $30 off All right, well, I guess we won't be needing you then

Starting point is 00:29:15 Please, please don't leave me here. Oh look me possible Yeah, me possibles time comes for us all and it will come for you All right guys, so this is the big confrontation before the race So let's like really let each other have it on this yeah, absolutely absolutely and action Well if it isn't the money fast crag Didn't know you were racing for show, show, show, show, show, show, show, show, show, Damn, right, I am gonna take you down tonight.

Starting point is 00:29:49 A be out. Cut, cut. What? Craig, you can't do what? What's up? Listen, you can't say damn or be out, man, this is a Christian move. Just read the scrap. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:30:00 No, sorry. Got it. All right. All right. So action. Fast crag didn't know you were racing for show, show, show, show, show, gonna take you down tonight. Miach.

Starting point is 00:30:10 Wait, Miach. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, it's, uh, it's, uh, smack talk. It's smack. No, no, it's not. It's not a word. Miach is not a word.

Starting point is 00:30:21 It's an urban word. That's what Christian audiences want, man. Can I just not say it? No, no, this is like the big confrontations scene. We need it to be tense. Fine, sorry, okay, I got it. So, D-Buddy, you want to just take it from your next line? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:39 I'm not a Miatch-froom-froom, make the walls go boom. This is literal nonsense. What are you talking about? Craig! So So I mean Squiggle squiggle. Don't feed a gramman after midnight and Cut. All right guys, great work. Yeah, last night's literally from a different move. That's Craig. I'm sorry Sorry And we're back for more of this shit and we're gonna rejoin the action with Ben, chilling in the living room, we're covering.

Starting point is 00:31:05 When PD shows up and grabs his broken arm and shakes it a little bit. Not Frank War. Yeah. And so of course, this is by the way, where I figured out for the first time that this was Ben Daston and what the hell was going on. Right?

Starting point is 00:31:19 So this is where I caught up to that. Sure. But PD the brother is like, wow, man, Gus, the preachy pastor guy. He sure is a preachy asshole. And I sure do hate all his Jesus, he bullshit. You also hate all his Jesus, he bullshit, right? Right.

Starting point is 00:31:34 This Christian actor, it's, he's clearly guilty about being the atheist bro here. He like didn't act all the way on full. He did it like medium as best he could because he felt bad. So he didn't want to like win the moment. Okay. In the acting. So stupid. It's like I have a stepdad in Napoleon Dynamite was a vegetarian.

Starting point is 00:31:55 So he never actually swallows the steak on camera. That's how this Christian actor approaches acting. He never actually acts on camera. Yeah. There's a spit bucket for his blessed, misword. Yeah. No, worse actor in this film is a high bar to clear, but he fucking clears it. He doesn't open his mouth all the way when he talks either. Yeah. It's like he always just had five or six sour patch kids more than could really fit in this amount. And then he had to do the scene.

Starting point is 00:32:26 And he's a little squanched up. He's never stopped being a warhead warrior. Yes, understand that that's the thing. You can like go up at a certain age. That was a warhead warrior. So, yeah, but PD didn't want to hear about this Jesus he bullshit bends like, no, I actually, I totally aminted Jesus now.

Starting point is 00:32:44 He's like, I don't want to hear this bullshit. And he's like, he didn't have to be afraid to be a Christian. And I wrote, I know something, did they? They think we're afraid or is that like a God or is that a, you're too chicken to be Christian? What, what is their goal when they do that? I am afraid to be Christian. I, that's terrifying to me.

Starting point is 00:33:00 Yeah. To be fair. No, that's that outlook. That's like, you know, I was thinking about how you were saying that being always afraid of a demon. It's like, you know, when you go down into your dark basement and you run up the stairs real fast, even though you're a full grown adult and you know, that goes, doesn't real. Yes. Be a Christian must just always be that run up the basement stairs. I get it. I can see why one would be afraid to do that. I've heard myself a lot doing that. Yeah. So that's

Starting point is 00:33:24 why I'm afraid to be Christian. Yep. Except that you don't get to at the end go, I'm so stupid, there's nothing out there. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. No one's someone to close it. I'm going to latch it.

Starting point is 00:33:35 No, yeah. Just to be on the same side. Yeah. Just makes sense. But so, but this is where we meet Anita, the love interest. This is Ben's girlfriend. Or at least she was before he went all Christian. Okay. Podcast listener, let me clue you in as we describe this movie to the true horror.

Starting point is 00:33:51 This character, Nina, is the young man, the kid who can't act who's in the interview scene. That's his mom. So keep in mind as we describe everything that she will be and do throughout this film, this is a dad telling his son about the things his mom did. Yeah. Okay, well, you just spoiled the linear twists that they're gonna get to, but it's fine. Right, and also the character's name is Anita, and they occasionally call her Anita.

Starting point is 00:34:18 You just call her Nina. I don't want to confuse anybody with that. Like this movie's already confusing enough, so. In my defense, Nina is a name. Yes, no, it is. It is that people, the humans have, yeah. Coffee Migs, Neeta. Yes, exactly. So yes, but he tells Neeta that he's Christian now, and she's like, cool. Good story. I'm gonna go find some dick later. Really?

Starting point is 00:34:46 Yep. Great idea, girl friend. Go find some dick. Absolutely. I've unveiled some weird kinks to some women in my time. Yeah. No one has ever exited a room more quickly than me just like, oh, what's that really? Oh, it's Mr. Peanut, I better go. Did you have a parachute? Was that a rip record?

Starting point is 00:35:07 I had to. She's gone. She's gone. So yeah, but then so need a leave and just then Ben's mom comes in to tell him how proud she is of him for becoming Christian. Yeah. There is a good argument to be made that like a solid 24% of this movie is directed at Christian bitchy mom specifically.

Starting point is 00:35:30 Oh yes. Yes. Like every mom we've ever roasted for vulgarity, for charity, for what a horrible bitch she is. This movie is directed at her. Yep. That is the target audience of this film. So okay, so we lead that scene.

Starting point is 00:35:42 We cut to PDNS motorcycle. He shows up at the races that night and Ben is telling everybody about Jesus when he gets there. Okay, this was almost my best worst. Can we talk about have we seen the wind guy? Yeah, well, first he explains that being born again does not involve climbing into your mother's vagina. So if you were afraid of that, there's no reason to worry about that. Okay, that sounds ridiculous. That somebody would say that I laughed, right? That's insane.

Starting point is 00:36:09 That's in the Bible. This is the Nicodemus scene in the Bible. Yes, or one of them. Nicodemus shows up and he starts talking to Jesus. And Jesus is like, you gotta be born again. And he's like, I wouldn't fit. Climb back inside the vagina. Or is that what you mean? And Jesus's like, I wouldn't fit. Climb back it inside the vagina. Or is that what you mean?

Starting point is 00:36:27 And Jesus is like, no, of course you were just doing like the reasoning thing that we do. You were eliminating that. That's obviously not what it is. And that's actually the apologetic. Nicodemus stops like looping himself up. Yeah, no, I got it. Metaphor, metaphor.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Are you doing a breast stroke there? It feels like you're trying to swim it. Are you wearing a snorkel? They could do this. But by Hattachi, is that Hattachi snorke, I had to.

Starting point is 00:36:54 But then in explaining this story to the big crowd that scouthered, Ben says, you know, he's trying to make his big point about Jesus. And he's like, have you ever seen the wind? And I'm like, ooh, pretty strong apologetics here. But what, what guy's like? Trimman all the time. I've seen the wind. And he's like, don't fuck up my thing. No, you have obviously the target. You can't see the way you can see the effects of the wind. I watch this guy, Heco with yes, I've seen the wind four times in a row. It is, it is more funny each time.

Starting point is 00:37:27 It's so good. You will never convince me that that extra didn't just improvise that. I don't know where all the way in the back. I've seen the wind. I've seen the wind. Is that do I win a prize? He's serious. Get out.

Starting point is 00:37:40 Who is that? So yeah, and he goes, well, no, you haven't seen the fucking you stop shut up. You don't any then he says you don't know where the wind comes from or where it's going. You just know that it's there's like, I know where wind comes from. This is again, this is the nature of vectors. It's very good. What the fuck is wrong with you people? And he doesn't even mean like, you know, temperature, variances and different altitudes of it.

Starting point is 00:38:03 He means like the East Right, no, it came from the side where the leaves aren't going Have you ever wondered who is blowing to make the wind? Jesus I think I've been a Christian Yeah, right, right. I'm telling you all about it now though. I also love that of course they're at races. So there are parts where these cars keep revving over as pretty bullshit. And I'm just like, oh, I want to be in a car right now.

Starting point is 00:38:34 We should also point out, actually, I shouldn't say I know this. I don't think these are particularly nice cars. Are these particularly nice cars? No, but there's a couple, but there's a couple of her so rough There's one where it's just like an 83 Sierra like a cutless Rusty and shitty yeah so good. Yeah, it's the one you got for like $400 in the tips you made at the golf course when you were 14 It's the greatest yeah, we have had been 14 a long time ago, but yeah. And then so, but then just then in the mid sermon or whatever,

Starting point is 00:39:09 D money, the slow motion, baggy pants gangster is here. The bitch about how much money he lost in that race that, okay, he got an accident in his name is money. Like, no, I wasn't exaggerate. His name is his character. His money is D money. Yes. His team money. Yep.

Starting point is 00:39:27 And he's, I think we could sue him for stealing the caricature of coupon crack. He's absolutely good on crack. He's good on crack. He's, he's, he's, he's good on crack. He's so problematic. There's a white guy. He looks like Ali G, but like, unironically, he is Ali G and he shows up and he's like, money's in the house, cash is king, styling, profiling.

Starting point is 00:39:49 Yeah. West Philadelphia, born, nope. That's okay. That's a hard second shit. His literal first response to how is it going? D money is styling, profiling. And then he looks for a second, he's like, I don't have any more rhymes, fuck shit.

Starting point is 00:40:03 I don't have any more rhymes. Smiling, smiling, I'm't have any more rhymes, fuck shit. I don't have any more rhymes. Smile it, smile it, I'm smiling shit, fuck this. And then I went and made a donation to the NAACP because of the problem from the end. But he's like, Ben, I lost money on that race where you got into that accident, which is why you have a broken leg and arm. So I'm going to need you to do another race. So I can win my money back.

Starting point is 00:40:23 And he's like, nah man, I can't do illegal street racing because of the illegalness now. Sorry. Is there something in the Bible about street racing? The movie seems to think there's something in the Bible about street racing. God has a whole anti-chariots of iron thing. Oh, no, that's true. It's an iron chair. That is true. Yeah. No. I mean, that cutlass Sierra is pretty much But I'm writing in my nose I'm like This movie knows that there's a like legal forms of drag racing, right? Not just in illegal thing like racing is just a thing too

Starting point is 00:41:04 If you're looking for the Christian version of racing, may I introduce you to Netscar? Yeah, to racing. There you go. Yeah. So he's like, no, I can't do it. Money's like, well, I'm mad at you for that. And then before he exits, money goes, money is in the house.

Starting point is 00:41:16 And I don't know. Long pause. Which brilliant genius instructed the extras not to react to that statement at all. He's so mad. Nobody says anything, but if I could have the best, my tombstone, play a video, it would be Moneys in the house.

Starting point is 00:41:32 Two, cricket, three, cricket, we're in silence. All right, I guess I'll see you guys later. All right, so yeah, and then my tagline, Moneys in it, and cash is, what do we always say? You guys can, audience can't cash this, can't, fuck you guys, him and he leaves. So, and then, and not only does he leave,

Starting point is 00:41:50 but everyone leaves, right? Everybody leaves and it's just Ben and PD there. And PD's like, dude, you made us look stupid and he shoves him. Did you just gotta broken like, you just shoves him over and he's like, well, is it kind of a dick move? Oh, an asshole. And he says, he says,

Starting point is 00:42:06 tell God that you suck now. And then it's like God knows, PD. Yeah. I'm not understanding that he's just said that like, yeah, no, the God of the universe knows I suck now. Obviously, I'm the worst. And then PD gets on his motorcycle. And the obviously the intent here is to angrily drive away. Aala, Johnny and his gang leaving the beach and running over the radio or something. No, it's so bad. It's trying to be all bad as the angry. Yeah, Johnny Lawrence, Cobra Kai, but he goes for this donut and it's going to slow us. You could make real donuts faster than he does.

Starting point is 00:42:47 I was watching on one and a half speed and it was like a slow motion. He had to do it up and put both feet down for his anger. Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it, No, okay, I just kind of skid it out there, out, out. And then he pulls up and he's like, I will still give you a ride home though

Starting point is 00:43:03 if you need to ride home on my motorcycle. Yes! He tries his angry doughnut, he fails. And he's like, okay, get on my back in the least badass way possible, don't forget to hug my tummy. And we'll drive off together, but I'm mad at you. Right.

Starting point is 00:43:22 I'm gonna fart into your crotch. Yes. Hold time, I'll be mad at you. Right. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna fart into your crotch. Hold time. I'll be farting the whole time. I'm gonna breathe onto your neck. So meanwhile, back at the interrogation black site, Adam is all in on this story, but he's on PD side. He's like, yeah, why a guy has to be such a fucking whist when they challenge him to a race, right? Yeah, he's the worst gods on PD side too. So to be clear, this is, yeah, I'm right. No, you're right. Obviously. So, and of course, Nick explains to his son that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is poop yourself and run away. I mean, that sometimes takes more strength to back down.

Starting point is 00:44:02 Think about it. There's also this great, this is the first of Noah's best worsts, where he's like, look at the world around us. If you say anything not politically correct, they cancel you. Yeah. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Here at the CIA Blacks, I can't.

Starting point is 00:44:19 Yeah, cancel culture's a big deal at the CIA Blacks, right? Where they have him handcuffed at a table for interrogation. He says, you're a, the literal line is you're enslaved by political correctness. Yeah. Where did that come from?

Starting point is 00:44:35 And they, oh, they were so proud of this line. He goes, you know who they call a man who are free from all freedom as a slave. She for free from freedom. It's like a double negative. It's like, eh.

Starting point is 00:44:47 But if you're slave, slavery, free. Nope. That's your free to slavery. Oh, another line that they were absurdly proud of, he says, let me explain this to show me. If you had everything that you ever wanted, would it be enough? That would be great.

Starting point is 00:45:03 That would be perfect. Yes. Oh my God. That line was so good. Right. And then the kid is just going like, well, I mean, if one of the things I wanted was enough, then yes, by definition, that would be included in the things. And that's like, okay, my amazing verbal trapped didn't really work there. Back to the story. I do know that car is donuts or something. Yeah. Yeah, so we fucking car rev our way back into the races.

Starting point is 00:45:31 And there's so much racing noise and going on over it. I was like, I feel like someone held a mic up next to Fuerza and was like, Holy shit, is this a movie? Yeah. But and clearly the like this entire production was by and large and excuse to squeal tires and revenge it's right. Yeah. So we should point out that like every time we go to the races, we get two minutes of like

Starting point is 00:45:55 artsy bullshit camera work around the races and we get a bunch of cars, you know, squealing their way up to the starting line and shit, but we don't actually see races because they don't know how to do that. We see the first second of the race and that's it. Right, we see the opening montage of a bunch of scenes from fast in the period. Right, yeah see a lot of that. I sadly know so little about cars. I wonder if like they ever accidentally do that too much and the guy has to like shame facetly back his car up.

Starting point is 00:46:32 Like, sorry, Steve Sneeze, then I thought he was starting the race. That's me. Okay, bring it back, bring it back and stop. Stop, no, stop it. Okay, okay, yeah. They definitely asked this whole cast. They were like, so does anybody know any like really good cartrix?

Starting point is 00:46:46 And everybody was like, doughnuts at the same time. Yeah. So literally watching them park well would have been more if I had seen somebody like parallel park on one cut. Yeah, they've been like nice. That is right. Sexy right there. Yeah, fuck yeah. They couldn't do it. So then we cut to fucking Anita watching Ben sleep, right? He wakes up. She's hovering over him. She's like, are you still Christian or can we fucking? He's like, still Christian. She's like, damn it. Again, just a little bit of metacomitary here. What we are supposed to assume is that the dad is sitting with his son at his CIA black site and being like, so then Ben woke up and your mom was giving him the look i mean

Starting point is 00:47:27 you know the i hate this i hate it so much and pen is like uh... he's like no no because again just throwing out the random republican applause i need to say god designed a man and a woman to be together in marriage One man and one woman looks right at the camera and winks. Yeah, but it felt like he was taking aims at like a polycule. Right. Or calling me to a dude. It was on here. You might as well look to sign me like, right, Kim Davis and she walks in and she's like,

Starting point is 00:48:00 Ding! That's right. Oh, Kim Davis is the flag girl for their next race. In a bikini. But girlfriend's great. She's like, well, that's really, I don't know. God doesn't have to watch us fuck, but we're fucking, he gets mad. He's like, yes, God does have to watch us fuck. I'm making a weird point right now.

Starting point is 00:48:21 I got all the track of my thing, but yes, I think he does. I think he has to watch us. She's like, no, it's okay for us to now. I got all the track of my thing, but yes, I think he does. I think he has to watch us She's like no, it's okay for us to fuck I believe in God and he goes the devil believes in God It's more important that you're exactly my version of exactly my religion. That's all that matters Which to be clear he has been for two days? Yeah as far as we know two to possibly three days Also also what age are these people supposed to be, right? Because this guy's 31. Yep, great question.

Starting point is 00:48:52 But he's still in his childhood bedroom and his mom comes in, his girlfriend sneaking in the window, she's 26. Mom's 33? Yeah, right, right. Mom's not significantly older than son. Yeah. And mom walks in and like, again, Anita has not been, and she's like, Anita, this house is your home.

Starting point is 00:49:11 You could talk to us about anything, but don't sneak in like a horn. She's wrote my notes. Ah, yes. Good Christian empathy. Right, right, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:49:23 Anita is, gets in trouble for sneaking in and has to go make breakfast. But she just can't breakfast. Oh, okay. Stop. What? Stop the pie. What happens here? What's happening here? I don't care if we talk about anything else about this movie. We need to really dig in on what happens with Neeta. Yes. Here's my theory. Okay. Here's my theory. I said, I'm going to make this a short 45 minute theory. Got it. They gave Nina a bowl of flour and they were like, and you just mind making breakfast. And so the actress picked up the bowl, shook it gently back and forth, waved her hands over in as though she was casting a magic spell. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:06 And that's the pantomime. She starts, she's supposed to be getting frustrated and angry or something because she just can't breakfast. But the mime that she makes is like she's about to crack this bowl on the countertop. And then she realizes that she can't rage slam the bowl and then she doesn't know what to do. She has to abandon it. I hate bowl. No, that wouldn't make any sense. To yell, I hate bowl and smash it right now. What do I, what do you guys mean? There's a bowl of flour. How does this turned into brick? I don't understand what's happening.

Starting point is 00:50:44 It's so impossibly silly. Also, the other thing that's happening to create breakfast, there's a bowl of assuming flour here, yes, that she's supposed to breakfast and mom has one egg, I believe, in an even larger bowl and she's whisking one egg in like an industrial that, like she's standing inside. She's whisking the shit out of that egg. Yeah, like she's whisking one egg in like an industrial that. Like she's standing inside. She's whisking the shit out of that egg. Yeah, like she's mad at it.

Starting point is 00:51:09 Yeah. I also, I love so Ben comes out of the bedroom at this point and somebody has to acknowledge, like wow, you sure don't have a broken leg anymore, he's like, okay, sure don't, I healed quick, because Jesus. This is so tough. But then PD walks in, right? PD the brother walks in and he's like, Oh, Anita, you're here.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Or should I tell everybody about you fucking Nikki the rival racer last night? Nikki D. Nikki D. Miss. She got the D. Nick D. Mm-hmm. Nikki D. This is the dad. It's the dad.

Starting point is 00:51:45 Right. Yeah. Once again, clue you the audience in in a way that we the viewer were not clued in. Nikki the rival racer is the dad who's telling this story. Right. Who will appear 35 minutes later in the movie for 14 seconds. Yes. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:52:01 Yeah. But mom's very offended by this. She's like, son, we do not accuse people of being horrors. That's my job in the literal last scene. Yeah, we don't do that to their faces. Yeah. So, but right. So, Anita storms off. She's very mad about her secret affair with Nikki being publicly aired. And then Ben doesn't even want breakfast anymore. And Peter's like, I'll still have some fucking breakfast. I'll eat double.

Starting point is 00:52:27 I'll eat triple whatever. It's an album. When he says I do want breakfast, I was like, oh my God, if we get to just watch Pee-Dee sit down and eat 11 pancakes. That would have been, that would have been an amazing scene. But instead, mom's like, no, you know what? Fuck you. You're an asshole today.

Starting point is 00:52:43 You go to Denny's now and she like starts cleaning up plates. I wanted him to be like, okay, well, you're whisking one egg. You whisking that egg right? There's nothing that the fuck that was going to be. So yeah, I was going to go to Denny's either way. So then we had back to Adam who's like trying to sort out the plot at this point. He's like, what is this movie about and why are you telling me about what a horror my mom was? Right, because he literally he's telling her at least like, yeah, you know, I hooked up with your mom after knowing her for eight hours because she was impressed with how well I

Starting point is 00:53:15 drove a fucking car. Right? Hey, Dad, does this have any relevance at all to the larger point of your story or why I should become Christian? Yeah, absolutely does. So texturwise when you get in there. So you know, like medium course sand papers opposite. But but the key is though it doesn't. Right? Like there's never any reason why any of this has to be included in the story. If you're looking at it as a story that Nick is telling to Adam. Right. And and his though Adam is trying to change the subject away from his mom's fucking riding the gear shift. He's like, I mean, you hit me a bunch or we get to talk about that. And he's like, Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Yeah. He's like, wait, are you an alcohol that beat me up when I was a kid? I feel like my mom's sexual exploits aren't really the, the, the, the, the sin that needs

Starting point is 00:54:09 to be dealt with here. Yeah. Well, I agree to disagree. Yeah. Well, the dad's like, Hey, let's not look backwards. Okay. Let's look forwards. And Adam's like, no, because you said the dumbass to know where you're going line from

Starting point is 00:54:20 earlier. And he's like, oh, fuck, I did. Yeah. Actually, you did say that I would like you to, it would be ideal. If you could actually go back, I would say 60 seconds in your story and tell that exact story. Exactly. One more time.

Starting point is 00:54:33 And then the people watching this movie of it, if that was a thing, would be able to watch exactly the same 60 seconds again. So in case they didn't catch that clever Denny's line earlier, yeah, we do the fucking shrieking eels bit. And then they, they literally show us the movie again. Yeah, they show us a minute carbon copy of the movie. Yeah. For more.

Starting point is 00:54:52 Last time on this movie, that you're watching, moments ago. So yeah, so we get to see what happened after the Denny's line, which is that PD goes full demon scream of anger. Yes. Right after mom takes away his PD goes full demon scream of anger. Yes. Right after mom takes away his whisked egg and bowl of flour. Oh, was he yelling about the breakfast being taken away because he wanted some dry loose

Starting point is 00:55:13 flour or was he yelling over? Was he already at the next scene and yelling? I couldn't tell. No. All right. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, he got denied breakfast, so he turned into a werewolf and then I added, it's okay. I've seen Heath miss a breakfast into a werewolf and then I added it's okay

Starting point is 00:55:25 I've seen heath miss a breakfast so I get it. No, that's fair. Yeah, that is how he reacts. I like to eat right away This is incontinent at all Sleeping is long so yeah, so but we like distorted power quarter our way to the races But that's like they're teasing us there right because the next scene isn at a race. The next scene has been having dinner with his mom and Gus. Yeah. They're eating spaghetti and milk, like, you know, grownups. Yes, right. They're having a very grown-up dinner of spaghetti with milk.

Starting point is 00:55:59 What would you like drink? Milk is definitely like a chocolate. He's just got like a bib on that mom like it's got a fork with a really big handle. Yeah. She reaches over and cuts the spaghetti up for it. It's in a spoon. Are you all done? All done. Okay. Okay. Let's wash your hands.

Starting point is 00:56:30 But he's like, yeah, you know, like defend my girlfriend earlier when Peony was talking about what a horse she was, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I guess I'm not a very good Christian yet. And the pastor is like, oh, don't worry about it. It's not like you thought sexy thoughts or something serious. I'm going to get a whole personal horror while they're in your house. You know, you just heard a human being. You didn't hurt Jesus. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:49 But mom's like, don't worry. God's working on PDN Anita. And I'm like, well, you would have thought God would be a little more efficient. I mean, he fails with millions of people a year and sends them to hell, but he's working on it. He's working on it. He's working on the important thing is that God try. Participation trophy for God.

Starting point is 00:57:05 Good job. Yeah. But just then young Nick, the narrator, the dad storyteller, shows up at Ben's house to trash talk him about racing. Yeah. He wants to find out who the big dog is. Yep. And Ben's Christian smack talk here is so fantastic.

Starting point is 00:57:22 He's like, I want to find out who the big dog is or is it cuz I've been with your girl. To which Ben replies, jokes on you, Jesus is the one that owns that girl. Yeah, right. Oh, it's amazing. He's like, you know, you think you've got all the power and he's like, no, real power is raising life from the dead.

Starting point is 00:57:42 And Nick is like, fucking what? Sorry, what? Crazy billionaire remake, Nick is just like, I'm sorry, man, I came here to do like a smack talk race thing. Are you okay? Because you've said to just absolutely psychotic things. Jokes on you, I have herpes. What?

Starting point is 00:58:02 What? I really, when he said the thing about raising from the dead, I really wanted his buddy, the Necromancer, Nexhtar to be like, that's right. It is. Thank you, man. I can cast third level spouse now. But ultimately, he says, he agrees to raise Nick

Starting point is 00:58:19 on the condition that if they raise, he gets to tell Nick and all of Nick's friends, like the money about the wonders of Jesus saving their souls. Okay. Question for you guys, is there any skill you possess that you are confident in that you would take that? Because I was like, it could be a jerking me off content. He's like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Nobody in this movie has ever touched a woman as tenderly as they touch this car.

Starting point is 00:59:05 Yeah. Yeah. The PD comes in and he starts caressing this car that's under a car cover. And it's like, boy, our dead dad sure liked cars, huh? What the fuck are you talking about, man? Why the hell would you bring that out? I'm telling the car to shush. This is the beginning of a car porn.

Starting point is 00:59:25 Yeah. Like, this is literally the like, are you fucking our stepdaughter seen from every porn? With a car. Right. But PD is still very angry at Jesus and angry at Ben for liking Jesus. So they get into a fight. Now, I would say a fist fight, except they like, they don't, it's just like, it's all silly punch list shit. You can see several times in this thing. One of them will raise

Starting point is 00:59:51 their fists and go like, no, we don't know how to do that without actually hitting each other. So I'll do a nose pinch. I'm going to go with a nose pinch. Hey, two other boys, smush fight. We said it's a mish face fight. Moosh my face. Nice. Moosh your face and and end of list of things we do. Yeah. It's Moosh face fight asshole. So yeah, they have a little smush face fight, but in the end, they realized that they really love each other and their happy. Almost kiss. Yeah, very close to get very. There was a very solid. I'm going to say second and a half where they're like, ha ha ha. Oh my God. Our faces are so particularly each other. We're together now.

Starting point is 01:00:30 That's true. Are we doing this? Ha ha ha. Masha's up. And then mom comes out and she's like, are you two fighting? And they're like, no, we're not. No, we weren't kissing.

Starting point is 01:00:42 We weren't kissing. We were fighting. Yes, we were fighting. What? We were fighting. Yeah. No, we weren't kissing. We weren't kissing. We weren't fighting. Yes, we were fighting. What? Did you say? Yeah. Get in here and fight us. So mom, and so we get this next thing.

Starting point is 01:00:53 Mom and Gus are doctoring the brothers back up because they're all beat up now. Now, both in their universe, doctoring is just repeatedly dabbing at the exact same spot with a spotless white towel. Ow, ow, that's where the injury, ow, mom, ow. It keeps hurting. Yeah, it keeps hurting. In fairness, they have literally identical lip cuts. They do.

Starting point is 01:01:18 The same like, the same like stick scratch, scratch and sniff sticker of a lip cut that they got from a book. I told you boys not to have a who can kiss harder contest look what happened right? So and then the mom's like well, it's bad enough that you're fighting But at least you guys haven't agreed to a big act three race for Jesus. I have to go now Different what's nothing to do with that. What are you leaving for you? Said it was on. Oh, no, you said it was unrelated. Oh, yeah. I'm related. I have to know what for what though? Mr. P. nut. Octay and the year. Right.

Starting point is 01:01:52 Talk to Mr. P. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So Ben takes PD out to the garage and explains the race. He's like, Hey, man, I agreed to race. Nikki. But only if they'd let me tell them about Jesus. If I want, my PD's like, dude, this is terrible because I did the tune up on Nick's car. You could never beat a car that I engineed. Tune up. Yeah. I don't fucking know.

Starting point is 01:02:17 What did you do exactly like? Yes. Lug nut. What are you talking? This is the glorious moment where we where we and the filmmakers realize at the same time, they don't know anything about cars. Right, yeah. It's just like, oh yeah, no, I've been getting it all.

Starting point is 01:02:34 Run, run, run. I've put the rooms in it. A lot of rooms. You would be amazed at how many rooms I got in there. Yeah, tires. What? And then they're so stupid. They're like, he's like, you

Starting point is 01:02:45 can't race him tonight. You don't even have a car. And he's like, well, you recognize that we're both leaning against a car right now. We were stroking. You were a bit erect and rubbing against the same car. Okay. I have a question. Tailpipe. This is a movie trope, right? When someone takes a really old car and it works better than a new car, is that real? Have cars gotten worse? Is that why he's been driving in 1992, shivny tolls? It's 96. But I mean, honestly, in terms of like, it's nice, it's a tell. You know, get up and go and shit like the zero to 60 on the average. Probably they were because we didn't mind, you know, killing like stuffing baby seals directly into the engine block back then.

Starting point is 01:03:30 So yeah, I would say probably. There you go. Most of my knowledge is based on Dom Toretto and he's all into like American muscle from like the 60s and 70s. That's true. That's true. Well, hey, car scientists, get on that. Make a better car than 60 years ago.

Starting point is 01:03:45 Come on, guys. Well, but that's just the thing what you actually need in a car is not the ability to go super, super fast in the first three seconds of movement, right? That's the problem. I love to, by the way, so that we get this little dirt going to fix up the car together montage. The montage is nine seconds long. They completely run out of shit other than changing tires that one can do with a car. They don't even get through the song's intro

Starting point is 01:04:09 before it's over. It is genuinely like they asked me to direct the car. Yes, they were like, all right, Eli, now they prep the car. What do they do? And I was like, they, I probably hand each other wrenches. Wax it. Well well the car to the car. Right. He pulls out a welding just like he's welding the car. He pulls out a welding torch, turns it on, stares at it for a good 10 seconds, and then he's like, oh, yeah, probably goggles for welding now. Yeah, right. Yeah, this is the reason why they have these.

Starting point is 01:04:42 And then they pan away and we get the craftsman product. Placement. It's this craftsman. Yeah, I'm sure craftsman was very proud. They got like a free wrench for sure. All right, well, somehow we all knew we were headed towards racing for Jesus and yet we still need a minute to process the fact that that's where we landed.

Starting point is 01:05:00 So we're gonna take a quick break. But first, let me give back to the hard self. Will the tires on the car go round and round? Will PD deliver a single line as though he's not forcing it out of a constipated face a-ness? Will the interrogation with Adam framing play any role other than patting the runtime? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the high octane conclusion of buying time. You've got to listen to me, son.

Starting point is 01:05:27 I have nothing to say to you. Just let me tell you the story. Your immortal soul is at risk. Fine, fine. All right, go. So, okay, go. So there we are. We're in the back seat of my Dodge charger.

Starting point is 01:05:38 And your mom is like spinning on my pole. Like she's trying to us. Come on, I don't want to hear you. You could face God tomorrow. Son, what she's trying to us. Come on. I don't want to hear. You could face God. Son, what will you say to God? I just, I just feel like you can't possibly be necessary for you to tell that exact story. That's ridiculous. It is, son. And I risked everything to tell it to you.

Starting point is 01:05:56 But fine. Go. Okay. So anyway, it was at that moment that your mother slipped off her sandals and showed me what she could do with her feet. No, it was like she had four hands each one wider than her hand. No, I literally do whatever religion you wanted me to be free to stop talking, please stop talking. Christian. Done. I love Jesus now. But just please stop.

Starting point is 01:06:14 I'm Christian now. You're welcome. Sure. Yep. And we're back for still more of this shit. Before we get to the big race, we're going to rejoin mom getting home from like night church, I guess. Great Christian movie, Bingo card square here.

Starting point is 01:06:34 The person walks in the door and then the doorbell rings too soon afterwards. So they must have just been standing directly behind them. DROP. Right. Yeah. Yeah. She closes the door. She goes, I have home and then yeah. Yeah, she closes the door. She goes, I have a home and then immediately, there's a knock at the door. But it's Anita. She's very upset. So she weepily explains to mom that she's pregnant.

Starting point is 01:06:54 She got pregnant when she was fucking Nikki D after his big race. Yeah, right. But mom doesn't know that. Some moms like, how do I put this nicely? How many dicks? Is it my son or not? Yeah, it's not.

Starting point is 01:07:08 It's Nick, it's Nicodemus, the dad in the interrogation room. I also, I think this is just a case of bad acting, but the mom is like, oh, honey, that's really too bad. I wrote my notes, hey, can you be a little understanding like with your face to the crying girl? Oh, it's amazing that Anita's like, I wanna do the right thing and I'm like, I'm almost certain that's an abortion.

Starting point is 01:07:29 At this point, I'd be honest with you. And based on what we know of the movie, I'm right. Right? Yes. Your husband turns out to be an alcoholic abuser. An abortion was definitely the right choice. Yeah. But the mom explains, of course,

Starting point is 01:07:43 that the real problem here isn't the pregnancy. It's the fact that Anita isn't her religion. You have a heart disease called sin. Which by the way, we will be selling you have a heart disease called sin t-shirts at the Toronto high show. I ordered a lot of them guys. So we don't actually have those. Don't come looking for I think we should have them. Maybe we can have those. I don't I don't think we those don't come looking for I think we should have to maybe we can have those I don't I don't think we have time, but still She's like well, what do I have to do? It's like wait, I will help you If you join my religion first right now in this very moment

Starting point is 01:08:16 So she's like, okay, yeah, she might as well take a bunch of expired coupons out of her wallet and be like if only Someone would ask to speak to a manager for the E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E. This is the first time we see a bouncy bounce car. Is the point of bouncy bounce cars to seem haunted? I'm never just a hydraulics thing. Yeah, they do seem haunted, right? I don't think that's the point. I've never understood the point of that. Yeah, they're fucking sweet as the point. Okay.

Starting point is 01:08:58 Are they, I feel like a zero seconds in, you're like, oh, okay, I want this. Yes, right, please don't do this again. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, it, I want. Yes, right. Please don't do this again. Yeah, I feel like that. Yeah, it's fucking sweet for five seconds. Well, it's fucking sweet if you're not in it. But we say, and again, of course, every time we go to a race, we have to have two minutes of this artsy fucking bullshit footage of cars squealing or whatever. So we get a bunch of that. We see a couple of cars taking up.

Starting point is 01:09:22 And then Ben and Piti show up in this old charger and everybody starts cheering and the audience goes crazy for way too long It's a solid we watch all of the crowd extras take breaths like yeah We still go So and then and then we get some more of that great Christian shit talk. Oh yeah. Yeah. So, and then we get some more of that great Christian shit talk. Oh. Well, I'm putting some in here and money. Well, but they don't, I don't think they talk, they're not supposed to talk right away.

Starting point is 01:09:54 So they show up, they get out of their car, they see the rival bad guys, you know, D money and his crew over there. And Nicky D, yeah. Nicky D And D money. And they like start to walk toward them and be like, oh, you know what? I'm thinking we lean back against our cars kind of sexually. And we menacingly stare each other for like 45 seconds.

Starting point is 01:10:16 So you go 45 seconds to menacingly stare. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? 45 seconds is in real reality watching nothing happen for 45 seconds. Yeah. It's so goddamn long. Well, if there's enough cars revving in 40 seconds. Yeah, it's so goddamn long. Well, if there's enough cars revving in the background, that's very exciting. It builds a lot of tension.

Starting point is 01:10:31 It's like when you're at a convention and you see someone you want to talk to and then someone steps in front of the talk to them and you have to be like, I was going over to this t-shirt. Yes. So yes. But then we finally get, they finally pull the trigger on it and we get this amazing shit talk where he's like, I'm going to kick your ass in this race and Ben's like, I don't care because I'm only here to tell you about Jesus and save your soul.

Starting point is 01:10:57 Right. I hate to disagree with you on air now, but he does not say kick your ass. He's like, I'm here to slam your back. I say because it your ass. He's like, I'm here to slam your back. I, I say because it's Christian. I'm a hardcore racer and I'll tell you there's no front and hear. Bull me. And then, and then we get the line, I think these writers were the most proud of, right? Cause money says only thing I worship is cash.

Starting point is 01:11:24 And Ben says, even your money boughs before my God see, and he takes the money out of the dude's hand and he points to the in God we trust. And he's like, see, boom. And you know how much people love it when you snatch money out of their hands to make a fucking point, but yeah. But it was such a good goddamn point.

Starting point is 01:11:43 To be money stumps away. Yes, he did in a smith and he's like, fuck, there's a guy. He saw a magic trick. He does like a little pace with it. And he goes back over to his gang and then he starts like angrily pointing over it. Yeah, stuck. We don't care this, but he has to be like yelling to his buddy. Maybe look like a fool. It says it on all the bills. Go ahead. 1955 started a new rule, all the bills.

Starting point is 01:12:14 What the fuck? Why did you tell me before I went over there? Now it was like an asshole. Sorry. Is God written on anything else? I look like a butt head. Yeah. And also he's pointing it, Ben the whole time.

Starting point is 01:12:24 They all know who Ben is, right? Like why would he point that guy over there? Like, yeah, Ben, man, we know. We used to main character. The one you challenged to array. We're all still perfectly silent. You guys were just talking. The cameras on him, that guy.

Starting point is 01:12:40 Yeah. And then, okay, but we can't get to the ratio because we have to cut back to Adam and old Nikki in the interrogation room. And I love Adam just opens this scene up going like, I don't know what to say, man, as though like there was a long pause where Nikki just stared at him. Oh, clearly this son being like, I feel dad, I feel like you're about to get like a beach from mom in like another can say, can we wrap the story just don't. Can is there another part? He goes, Adam goes, look, I don't want to hear any more of this.

Starting point is 01:13:13 I'm like, you and me both broke, but it's the job. Yeah, this kid is asking for him not to describe. I was mom got knocked up in the back of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. And honestly, I think that's reasonable. Yeah, but then we start talking about apparently like mom died of cancer sometime later. in the back of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. And honestly, I think that's reasonable. Yeah. Yeah, but then we start talking about apparently, like mom died of cancer some time later. So we start talking about cancer, mom.

Starting point is 01:13:32 Yes, to explain why Adam's not Christian, I guess. Who again, in the scope of this movie is that random girl who got nuked up by an even more random character unrelated to the main character of the movie. Yes. And then got murdered by God with kids. It is genuinely like if one of the sexy girls and the bikinis in a fast and the furious

Starting point is 01:13:54 movie, Vin Diesel and the next scene was just like, I don't know if you know this, but her mom's going through a really tough time right now. Our LASIK surgery didn't take and the insurance won't cover it a second stock. Does lacic not take sometimes? No, I think I just made that up. And then there's this amazing line here, that is talking to his son about when mom died and he's like, I was so depressed, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to, this is his

Starting point is 01:14:22 exact words, find the biggest syringe I could find and jam it straight through my heart. Okay. I feel like me and this guy watched the same hen tie. Can I just say that? I'm just, I want that kind of confidence. The kind of confidence it takes to write that down on a fucking piece of paper and go, I should write more words. What is the biggest syringe you can find?

Starting point is 01:14:50 Like comedy, like comically large syringe, how big is that? And this is a great question in real life. Yeah. And can we, when we do the billionaire remake of this movie, shoot that as a flashback? Is it like a long dart? Yeah, I'm finding all the big syringe Yeah, I'm finding a big syringe going, nah, I need a bigger syringe. I feel like they make one for horses

Starting point is 01:15:09 that we could get good comedic effect. There you go. There you go. Get some Ivermectin going. Yeah. But he explains that he hated God for killing Anita and also for not killing you, Adam, my son, along with her. And really, that was the worst part that he left you alive,

Starting point is 01:15:25 which was such a bummer for me. Yeah. I hit you because I missed your mom so much. Again, we have never seen a connection between these two people. As far as we know, they hooked up three nights ago at a race. Yes. Right. I mean, that is as far as minute. That's correct. That's can't. That's what happens. Yeah, exactly. That's correct. That's that's can't that's yeah exactly That's the story and he's like, uh, you know Adam it you reminded me of your mom and that made me angry And that's why I hit you it wasn't your fault that I hit you and I'm like well the fucking course It wasn't his but did you think that that was thanks for clearing that up? Yeah fucking asshole Descriced you fucking demon. I know what you've been thinking.

Starting point is 01:16:06 I deserved it, but no. No. You didn't. I'm crushing this apology. Yep. And then he tells the story of his suicide attempt. Yes. And okay, sorry.

Starting point is 01:16:22 Right before he goes into this, he tries, dad tries to start crying during his little speech. Apology. Yes. But he does it for literally half a syllable. He's like, so that, and then your mom made me really sad. And then he gives up. Yes. Yeah. He's like, no, that didn't. There's not, I'm doing it badly. I would rather this actor had just yelled the words cry, cry, cry, then it's actually crying. But then he starts to tell the story of the time that he tried to shoot himself in the face, but he couldn't because Jesus was holding on to the trigger and wouldn't let him pull it. Well, let's paint the picture the way he does. He was lying on the floor in the field position with the 45

Starting point is 01:17:06 in his mouth. Very funny image. And then he tries to pull the trigger, but literally can't. Yeah, right? Like, Jesus literally has his thumb behind the trigger. Well, yeah, he says, I'm lying on the floor with the gun on my mouth and then I couldn't do it. And I love how long it took for Adam and the son to like get the dumb thing that he's saying. Yes, right, right. I couldn't do it and son's like, oh, you couldn't go through it. That's like a fucked up situation. Yeah, totally. You couldn't go through it. He's like, no, no, no, I mean, the the trigger wouldn't squeeze and the son's like, oh, like the guy like the guy was the trigger was like rusted over or something. He's like, no, the gun was fine. And fine and and he's like no the gun wasn't fine because you couldn't pull the trigger you

Starting point is 01:17:47 understand what you're saying. God did a miracle and you understand when I say word now. It takes forever. It's the best. And then Adam of course he's like he's like you know I I get it dad I've I thought about killing myself as well and it's like well that's because you're not Christian is the problem. Actually dad replies who't? I wrote pretty large insight into the writer of this movie. Yeah, right, right. Look, we all pray for the sweet release of death, son. That's not weird, okay? You're just the wrong religion. But yeah, but Nikki makes it real clear that he wants to make a Christian of Adam. And that's his goal here, right? He actually turns directly to the camera to explain that to us

Starting point is 01:18:29 So then we flashed back to Anita finishing up with her in Christment Mm-hmm, right. I wanted her to have mom's Karen haircut Maltes fired coupon start multiplying to the conversion. Yeah. M-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi-Multi- being a Christian is awesome. I just want to go tell everybody about it. And she's like, oh, you, you will. That's what we do. It's our whole fucking thing. But mom doesn't have time for that. They've got to throw a wet blanket on this race for Jesus. Yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:15 She's like, oh, I meant to tell you, now that I'm a Christian, I have to narcot everybody, I guess, that Ben is doing a race with Nikki. And winner gets to change the religions of everyone else, I guess. We'll, we'll stop by the park and check on black people barbecuing, but then we'll go to the race. We're not going to allow the same time.

Starting point is 01:19:33 She's like, I know a shortcut. I'll drive a need it does. So I head to the race. We get there first though. We get everybody cheering in slow motion for a really long time. There are a lot of like, we're not even close to an hour and 30 minutes yet, are we kind of a montages in this, right? So we get one of those.

Starting point is 01:19:50 And then fucking Nick and Ben actually raised, this will make Mark the first time in over an hour of movie that like we saw more than the first second of a race. And boy, do we find out why? Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, if these guys had just sat in their cars and gone, Broom.

Starting point is 01:20:11 Broom. Broom. Broom. It would have looked better than this race. Did they not do that? Yeah, somebody run in behind a with house plans or something. Yeah. Just the rowing.

Starting point is 01:20:23 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also, like, let's keep in mind that even if you're good at this, even if you really know your shit as the cinematographer and have the camera cars and stuff that you would need to film this properly, it's this is like NASCAR without all the left turns, right? That's what it That's what it's impossible to make this interesting as fast in the Furious has proved nine times now. And there's a reason why they have gone to space. Right, exactly. But then middle of the race, suddenly mom and Anita pull out right in front of Ben

Starting point is 01:21:03 while he's haul asked out in the middle of the dragrace. I just pull their car. Oh, it's a good place to all. We're right in the middle of the dragray. Well, and keep in mind that Anita said before they left, I know a shortcut. She knows what road they race on. So her shortcut to the race included the track. We can go around and come up behind the rate, but I say we just take the, we go back to

Starting point is 01:21:28 the opposite way on the one way and we'll get there a little bit. Right. So I feel like the rest of this is on her. But yeah, but Ben swerves out of the way, I guess, right? Because they can't actually get footage of him wrecking a car. So we have to guess why it is that cars rolling around later. Well, I'm pretty sure he sees Mamonita in a car directly in front of his mile long track. And he presses the jump button. Yep. Turbo boost. Yeah. Okay. All right. Cause he, how else would this happen? He does a bunch of flips and stuff.

Starting point is 01:22:03 Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Well, the, is that they had that one shot of a wrecking car that they could use, right? And we just, yeah, and there's no reasonable way that that could happen from where we were. And of course, when, when he gets into the record, the director decides to go all artsy. So we see like memories of him and his brother as a kid riding down a dirt road and dad's convertible. Yeah, he's riding down the Paul Walker road. I expected Paul Walker to pull up next to him and be like, Oh, does you guys die in a car crash too? Okay, to be clear, this is Ben's childhood as a flashback that we're watching, right?

Starting point is 01:22:39 Yeah, yes. So Nick news about Tell out the story. The flashback. He knew so well Ben's childhood story and he's describing it now. To Adam. I'm telling it to Adam. As part of a story about how much of a slut his mother was. Yes. The childhood of the guy who used to be dating the girl he ended up fucking is now at his mom. Yes.

Starting point is 01:23:04 I want to watch that scene. And then, and then when his car went scabush, he was like, woo, I'm a kid again. He's been a young way. Fuck your mom. Biddy, biddy, biddy, biddy. Are you different religion yet? Biddy, biddy, biddy, biddy, biddy, biddy, biddy. And then, and I also have to point out

Starting point is 01:23:23 what's going on in this flashback rate. So the kid decides he wants to stand up in the backseat of the convertible. And mom's like, sit down, that's not safe. And dad's like, who gives a fuck about safe? Stand back up, kid. Stay, don't listen to her. Right?

Starting point is 01:23:36 Like, am I wrong? Yep. I'm not gonna live in fear and put on masks and just like, sit down in cars. Fuck this. Absolutely not. And also like, given what we've seen of this movie so far, like, I can't imagine that anything was done vis a vis safety as they filmed this kid standing up in this convertible

Starting point is 01:23:56 with no seat belt on anyway. Just yeah, this seems like I this is the kind of thing that he violently defense to me as normal while we write planes together and say no, everyone's dad would put them in the trunk if you had something fragile in the back seat. You're making it with your because it would break. The trunk is safer. And so, okay.

Starting point is 01:24:17 And now we're backing out of the scarred up operating room eyeball that we zoomed into in the middle of the in story flashback. Now, this is the first time that we as an audience are made aware of the fact that that wasn't the start of the story. Because again, when we meet Ben, he's recovering from a car accident. Right. Right. So this is where we all had to sort of sort of sort out of if there was a time loop going on, if we had been somehow like thwarted by Dr. Strange, separate incidents.

Starting point is 01:24:50 But no, but yeah, apparently he was in recs at both the beginning of this movie and the end. This is the end rack. Yes. I want to point out, by the way, just excellent foreshadowing. They have a giant heart syringe in this operating room. Oh, I really wanted bad dad to come in as like Nicky or whatever the fuck his name is and be like, Ha, I won.

Starting point is 01:25:14 Now get you. Oh, not the top. Sorry. I need a how you do it. But I thought that the operating room was a little crowded already with mom, Gus, and Pety all standing around as the doctors operated on his inside. Unsuccessfully. Right, right, but of course they have to be there

Starting point is 01:25:33 so that Ben can turn to Pety and tell him he loves him with his last words. Mm-hmm. And then he dies like on cue. Just in time. Yes. And I love you. Eeeeee.

Starting point is 01:25:44 He's like perfect. I want my flat love you. He's like, perfect. I want my flatline thing to be a buzzer though. And like, do you know like the end of a basketball game, like a horn or a buzzer? I want that instead of the flatline noise. Fuck yeah, man. I want there to be an awkward pause after my last words. I want to be like, and I always loved cricket welton.

Starting point is 01:26:01 Okay. Are you still alive? Yep, no, very much ten. Okay. Are you still alive? Yep, no, very much alive. Cool. Oh, is that, oh, is that a second last word? There it is, okay. Okay, so technically his last words were, I'm still alive, laugh, laugh, laugh. All right.

Starting point is 01:26:17 Bucked it up. Got him. Frank war. So, so, PD goes outside to be sad about his brother being dead and to be sad about his fake scar not looking more realistic, probably. Sure. And Gus comes in and he's like, Hey, man, this would be a great time

Starting point is 01:26:31 to change religions, huh? Right now? You know, for a theological discussion, you and I? I almost went with best worst metaphor for sin here because this is where Gus explains to Petey that you know how car makers make cars shitty on purpose? God did that to you. Yeah, he says, you know about land,

Starting point is 01:26:51 obcelescence and he's like, yeah, it's when they put in cheap, asbestos parts so that the car won't last for. He's like, yeah, God did that with you and sin and he's like, is that where we're going? What do you guys really wanna? We're rolling with that, okay. All right, I guess that was in the fucking screw.

Starting point is 01:27:05 Cause he has, he's like fire wire kind of. So yeah, he's like, so the problem is that God set up a system where everybody fell short of his expectations and gets burned in hell for eternity because of God's mistakes. So you want to worship him? Maybe. And worship.

Starting point is 01:27:23 No. And of course, as he's getting this Jesus speech, Nikki shows up and sort of stands off to the side and here's all the important Jesus can fix you parts of the speech. Yeah, at one point he's like, no, but you understand when you stand before God, Jesus will stand up and say, no, I have paid his price.

Starting point is 01:27:43 And I wanna, does Jesus have to stand up every time there's a Christian? Right, yeah. When there's a big title wave in, you know, the Sudan, does Jesus get to chill? Is that even everyone's night? Is that his 15? He's like, oh no, it's okay.

Starting point is 01:27:57 It's okay, everybody was in an atheist conference. I'm good, I can have lunch. Well yeah, and you gotta assume that like, you know, when a church gets like burns down or some terrible thing, like a bunch of Christians show up all at once, he's got to be like half-asseted at a certain point, right? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:11 No, I paid the price for this one. No, I paid the price for this one. No, I paid the price for this one. God, how many of these motherfuckers do we go? Actually, you have to go to hell because Jesus sort of mumbled and he said, I paid in the prime. So yeah, you have to still go to hell.

Starting point is 01:28:24 Sorry, Jesus, his heart wasn't in that one. And he's like, so but anyway, so Gossest is given PD the hard sell on Jesus, right? And PD's like, but God, like couldn't save a wretch like me, could he? He's like, no, you'd be surprised. Even people as shitty as you. He's like, but I killed my brother.

Starting point is 01:28:43 And Gossest is like, no, no, God killed your brother. So you want to worship him? Yeah, how about worshiping him? You know, maybe, no. All right. And then of course, PD has the whole, but I don't want to go to hell moment and then he converts to Christianity.

Starting point is 01:28:57 Yeah. So typically the moral is, God is cool about breaking the street racing Bible code. If you do it as part of a preaching bet where you get to preach to a gang of street racers, if you win. Well, I don't know that he is though, because like God killed him. Right? I think the moral might be the exact opposite of that.

Starting point is 01:29:25 Does he? Oh, does he go to heaven here? Is it the assumption that he does? Well, I'm sure he goes to heaven, but he still gets killed, you know? Yep. So that's a, that's gold. That's like squad goals is dying. Yeah, fucks up their whole thing, doesn't it? So then we cut to a car pulling up at the races, which apparently I thought this was the same race. I'm like, wow, they didn't stop when there was a fatal accident, huh? They were like, well, we still have seven more races together.

Starting point is 01:29:52 But no, this is a different racing moment. And now heady is preaching to the street racers, just like Ben did back before he got killed for trying to do that. Huh? And Anita's there and she's had her baby now. What? Pfft.

Starting point is 01:30:10 She's pregnant like four seconds ago. There was apparently there was a big time cut there. We jumped, four and, yeah. So are we supposed to assume that PD has been profilitizing at races for like months now? Because I feel like attendance would have taken a hit. Oh, man, you got to go to the under bridge race. Now, I will warn you, you do have to listen to pretty heavy-headed prologization for the first 25 minutes. But then we should have to raise and we have

Starting point is 01:30:38 group sacks. Everyone just call it's fun. I don't know. NASCAR seems to keep going just fine. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. So and also during this little bit, we have this flashback moment to like the movie. Sure. Christian movie bingo. Remember the movie inside the movie. Right. But it's not like even an individual person's memories because it includes the present black site framing as well as the past. So it's really just saying like we did pretty good, huh? Whole movie. Really? So we're now, I want again, we want to cut to the father being like, and then that's when your mother thought of all the story I just told you, including me telling you this. And then of course, well,

Starting point is 01:31:25 a pete is is preaching. He's tag teaming with Nikki, right? Nikki is actually throwing in a little of the preaching as well. And this ends with Nikki looking directly into the camera and saying, and I quote, no one comes under the father, but through me. Like to do broke the fourth wall so hard, cool, laid man was startled to buy it. Yep. So the point of that line in the, like that means Jesus is basically a bouncer at a segregated

Starting point is 01:31:54 country club. That's what the private party. Right. That line. Jesus Christ. Oh, no, no. Gross. Yeah. So, but we're not done yet. We have to cut back to the interrogation room where now the sunglasses guys are done with all this father and son reunion bullshit, right? Apparently the time has come for the men in black to charge Nick with hate crimes for being a Christian. They grab him and they're like, you're charged with hate crimes. And he's like, oh, because I'm Christian. And I was like, I mean, yeah, probably. I'm probably the root of it.

Starting point is 01:32:35 Statistically. And it's like the most likely thing in America to have you cause you doing hate crimes. Right. Because I feel like we should get more play out of the, they think hate crime laws are a slippery slope argument. Right. because I feel like we should get more play out of the they think hate crime laws or a slippery slope argument, right? But yeah, so, but the key here, apparently, the reason this was all here is that the guys, the men in black wanted to charge dad with illegal being of a Christian.

Starting point is 01:33:01 So they brought Adam there and they're like, I bet he tries to turn him Christian, huh? I bet if we put him together, he'll commit crimes and we'll have video of him Christianizing a person. That was the whole plot. And it worked, because he just couldn't help it. Yeah, he was like, Jesus really have to be Christian now. And then,

Starting point is 01:33:20 it took like five seconds, nice. Yes, the Christian shave in a haircut. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Just rate comfort, training and sweating under a light somewhere. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:33:33 And of course, the dad has to turn right to the camera and goes, how sad for freedom in this year, home of the brave that we've got going here where you can't even use the end word anymore. Oh, ow. And then they do this. Okay. So, cancel culture slavery. Sorry.

Starting point is 01:33:51 If you want me, that's what she said. And then they wrap a chain around Nick's neck because I guess when they when they said arrested, they mean we're just going to kill you here in this black site, right? Yeah. Well, you know, it's Christians. They understand that cops are allowed to do anything. I get, okay, yeah, fair, fair.

Starting point is 01:34:12 So like they throw the hood back on Adam. So at this point, they have an excuse so we don't see anything else that happens in the movie. And they kill him with the silliest possible sound effects. Yeah. It's literally, Oh, yeah, what? Wow.

Starting point is 01:34:27 Chick, blau. I, my notes are, it's a Michael Scott improv scene. I'm weeping with laughter. That's a, well, if they were going to shoot him, what was up with the wrapping of the chain around his neck?

Starting point is 01:34:42 That's fun. Isn't I brought chains? I just want to do my thing first. I know you guys are going to shoot them, but like I brought these. I thought I was going to go. Or they're trying to choke them with a chain. They're like, this is never going to work because there's gaps in it. Guys, it's too big of a thick chain. I feel like I'm skinny.

Starting point is 01:35:00 Anybody bring a gun? I feel like one of us has a gun, right? And then of course, at the various all black that we hear the gun shot and everything. And the typing comes back that comment or 64 typing shows up to say, you have been warned. And I'm like, but what have I been warned though? Right. Don't fall for the can you not prophylatize trick if you ever take a new CIA black site or even if the person that challenges you to a street race promises to become Christian at the end, don't do it. Wait, I don't know

Starting point is 01:35:30 what the warning was. I think the warning is that your turn to fuck this kid's mom. Christianity will be illegal and a hate crime. I think that's what they're actually saying. I hope so. Yeah. It's a fingers fucking cropped. All right. Happy ending. Oh, who knew? All right. So clearly this movie was patterned after fashion. The Furious, which means we're looking at some 26 sequels and spin-offs in the future. Which are you guys most looking forward to? Oh, the one where they jump a car over Noah's Ark. What's the the faith of the furious? Okay. All right. It's well done. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Buying Time.

Starting point is 01:36:12 That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to bait this trap once more. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, we'll once again be joined by skeptic of the millennium, Michael Marshall. But I've found a documentary that I believe can break even him. It's called Eat the Sun and it is a documentary about how you can to stare directly into the sun. And in fact, it's good for you. Oh my fucking god. All right, sir. I still look like my eyes. We're going to bring up episode three, forty five, two, a merciful clothes. What's it going, but we're going to bring up this on 3.45 to a merciful clothes. What's it going to huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that will make the show go.

Starting point is 01:36:49 If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a pre-episode donation of patreon.com.com. So I got up one there by early access to an ad for your version of my re-episode. You can also help it done by leaving a five-star review and sharing the show on your own or your various social media platforms.

Starting point is 01:36:58 And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the Skating A, the Ascentation, the D&D minus and the Skepocrat available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, send them out as suggestions. email me at www.moveysagemail.com. Legal surfaces for this podcast are provided by the law of the ZBN Drutorians. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written in

Starting point is 01:37:12 performed by Ryan Slotman and Louisville Traffs on Mars. All of the musicals were performed by our audio engineer Morgan Cardkin, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm an Illusionist, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week and tell then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Vin Diesel went on to walk, hall walker's daughter down the aisle at her wedding, because God killed her dad for being Mormon in that fake. Gus turned out to be a child molester.

Starting point is 01:37:41 Just like a, uh, statistic to speak. Yup. D Money turned statistic this week. Yeah. D money turned his life over to Buddha. Now he's just D. I don't see anybody is everybody here. Oh, I'm here. I feel like I lost you dead, but it felt close. It was very close. So photo finish.

God Awful Movies - 345: Buying Time

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.