God Awful Movies - 349: Father Stu

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Father Stu, the story of a guy who never had anything particularly interesting happen to him, decided to become a priest, then died. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

New seasons mean new seasonal recipes and now it's easier than ever. With fresh ingredients delivered to your door, HelloFresh brings the Farmers Market to you. Get 16 free meals plus 3 free gifts with code awful16 at hellofresh.com slash awful16. And then the Dodger is like, oh, you know, we could recommend a good grief counselor for you because, you know, the Dodger doesn't know the awesome power of God yet. Yeah. This is a Christian movie, Bingo Square. We are sorely in need of the doctor who's just doing their job and the other person.

Retelling the story is the doctor being like, let me tell you, that's one dead son. Do you mind if I eat him before he gets home? You got to finish that son! God awful! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because if we switch to Biannual 6 hour history lectures, you'd notice. I'm your host Noah Luzonz and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath, welcome back.

Thanks Noah. Marky Mark movie, I'm so excited. Oh, like I said, I said last week I had a little advent calendar that was a bit of an exaggeration, but man, this one, I don't want to say didn't disappoint. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Just a tiny little marquee mark chocolate for each dinner. Yeah. But first sitting in 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? If the last chocolate in that advent calendar isn't his giant fake penis from Boogie Knight, it's not a good advent calendar. Oh, we got so many good merchandising opportunities from this point.

Okay. So tell us, Heath, what will we officially now? What will we be breaking down today? We watched Father's Stew in theaters. It's the story of an escalating series of terrible, sad, dark things happening to Mark Wahlberg. And somehow it's still bad. It's really despite that. Yeah, you just really overshadowed. It's bad. It's really bad throughout. A lot of my notes are just like, this is bad. Yeah. I like this movie. Super bad bad Eli. How bad was this movie?

Well, if you love conversations with your mom that start, you remember Debbie Howitzer's cousin's husband, don't you? He used to play with their kid. It's a link, I think. But you wish they ended with the suffering of the ill and the infirm as the best way to bring you to Jesus.

You will love this movie. Well, you though. Yeah, so I had an interesting how bad was this movie that came from the fact that we saw it in theaters. The theater, I mean, I always show up kind of early because I like to sit in the back because I have to have a little light to take notes and I don't like people sitting behind me because that fucks about whether they're trying to watch the movie. So I'm there like 12 minutes before the movie starts. They're playing the whole like, you know, before

the movie trivia, whatever with whoever. Maria Manuna. Of course. I thought I had her name, but I didn't. Fellow podcaster, Maria Manuna. There you go. Yeah. Our colleague. So yeah, but then like some happens in their fucking system crashes and I get this error message. It's just loose screen of death with a big error message and this sound starts to play.

Now, I'm playing it quiet for you because, you know, you're listening to this on your fucking commuter. This is definitely loud for me for 12 fucking minutes. That was not the least pleasant part of the theatrical experience. Yeah, no, the next two hours must have been worse. Right? I saw the movie now. This was the high point actually in a lot of ways. Let's pack on it fondly. So is there anything you guys would have nominated this one for being the best at being the worst at? Okay, best, best noise at the beginning of Noah's thing. of all. Sure. Also best worst motorcycle accident.

So it doesn't sound like it, but it's really funny. It's really fucking funny. Like there's a motorcycle accident and each thing that happens, I laughed harder and harder. Oh, it keeps getting worse. Goldberg. Gas. Yeah. It's so stupid. It is as though they were like, oh, Eli hasn't laughed loudly enough in this movie theater full of Catholics. Let's really get in with a seventh impact. Oh, just, if you're imagining him like crashing into a balloon that pops, that scares a

chicken that lays an egg onto a ramp, You are pretty much nailed in your head. Marky Mark Mize will have like a fight against the chicken like family guy throughout like a motorcycle crash. It's so good. Complete with like goat simulator graphics too. Yeah. So I was going to go with another theatrical experience for me. Best best worst elderly couple that was not ready for this many F-bombs. Ha ha ha ha. I have no idea why they decided to load this movie up with so much profanity, but there's like,

I actually Tim posted the exact count from dove.com or whatever or dot org. There's 103 profanities in this movie, including 44 uses of the word fuck. Really? Jesus. Yes. Yeah.

No, it's Tarantino-esque and it's usage of fuck. And the elderly couple that was the only other people in the theater with me were just not at all ready for that. Not having a good time. The Michigan Christians were into it. They were like, yeah, fucking fuck, fuck that guy. It was pretty funny. They enjoyed it.

There you go. And of course, I'm gonna go with best worst fat suit for no reason. Yeah, we'll get to it. I don't want to spoil it. We will get to it. Yeah, you know, because it's gonna seem for a very long time that we are not moving towards

anything at all. It's probably best if you know that we're moving towards a best worst fat suit for no reason. Right. Exactly. Yeah. And I've seen the crumps too. So like, given my fat suit, no, no, I want to talk about it for several hours. Okay. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, this movie takes about an hour and 20 minutes to get going. So I feel like we can at least get away with a skit and ad right here. We're gonna pause for a quick break. We'll be back in a minute with all the stagnant

storytelling of bothers stew. Hi, welcome to Typical Fancy Coffee Store. How can I insult you while I'm selling you something? Oh, well, just don't do that. That was too late, you're already in here. Can I interest you in the wacky Motaki? It's a blend from East Machadoa. It's just $900 a bag and you will not like it. Oh, I was actually looking for just reasonably priced coffee that fits my taste profile. Oh, I see. Well then you want trade

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We talk about card tricks. It's true I come in here. Okay, yeah, the tricks. All right. Well trade coffee sounds awesome. Where do I sign up? Right now Trade is offering new subscribers a total of $30 off your first order plus free shipping when you go to drink trade.com Slash awful. That's more than 40 cups of coffee for free. Get started by taking the quiz at drinktradetrachomslashawful and let trade find a coffee you'll love. That's drinktradetrachomslashawful for $30 off. All right, looks like I'm gonna go. Okay, before you do, would you like to see me do a car trick? Hmm. Okay, is it good?

No. Yeah, why not? Let's see a trick. Nice. See, I told you to say yes. Enjoy medium trick. Hey, you must be Steve. That's me. All right. Welcome to team Walberg. Steve. So, let me give you the 4-1-1. Mr. Walberg just finished his workout, his hour of prayer and his cryo chamber time. We have 22 minutes before his 7- 30 AM golf game to pitch him movies in one sentence or fewer. Sorry, one sentence. But he prefers fewer. Okay. Ah, nothing like a good cry

Oh, chain, but a stop me from crying. I don't think that's what you're supposed to do with the Steve Steve, right? Yeah, movie pitches. We bought a zoo too. Uh, pass. They didn't let me fight the penguins in the first one. Okay. Uh, uh, Boston gangster is from Boston already did that one this year. Okay. Dude, we're running out of scripts. Just just go, just go.

Okay. So, uh, okay, what about this? The worst person you know made the worst decision you know, and on an unrelated note, that person is dying. Ooh, that's pretty fucking good, bro. But, it, dying for Jesus. Oh, fuck yeah, bro. That's a move.

K. And we're back for the breakdown, and I guess everybody's notes starting the previews. So that's where we should start the show as well. I am sorry Noah. My theater booed the Jurassic Park trailer because of that dinosaur. Oh my god. Because it's historically inaccurate.

Interesting. Also, I just want to throw this out there. We all have notes on the new Liam Neeson movie where he's an assassin with Alzheimer's. And can I just say the Christian movie audience is not the people you want to send the message. You don't have Alzheimer's. You really are seeing child trafficking everywhere. Very dangerous. I didn't actually get that preview. The only preview note that I have is that the top gun two preview said coming December 2020 at the end and I'm like, that was lazy. They weren't the volleyball back in. I'm looking forward to top. Yeah. Looking forward to top gun. So okay. So we opened the movie proper on Marky Mark dancing around and singing Elvis songs. I was like, I wrote

my nose. Kid singing. Wow, I missed that blaring error sound already. Right. And then we get Mel Gibson. Yes. Yeah, he's watching a kid dance around in his underwear, both in the movie and probably in real life. We don't know. And he's, of course, cussing a lot and smoking cigarettes in a tiny enclosed room with

this kid. Yeah. This is a cold open to the movie is a kid in underwear and then a cigarette and then a PBR can and then we see Mel Gibson is in the same room. It's a very upsetting open to a movie. And that order. Yeah. Exactly.

And then we cut to and this is baby Marky Mark, I guess. And we're getting the message that his dad wasn't a very good dad. He said the f word in front of him even when he was a baby. But then we get Marky Mark all grown up and he's getting psyched up for a boxing match. Yeah. And don't worry, this boxing match is gonna matter. No, it won't.

None of it won't matter. No, and it's a whole montage of boxing matches. We get like seven of them here. Yeah. It's just based on a true story. And I'm like, yeah, but not an interesting one. It's not, nothing happens. I got that when nothing happened in it.

Yeah, I was like, how could this not be a true story? Yeah, exactly. Do you think this was just like the random thoughts of Mel Gibson? I'm thinking about it. So they transitioned from the kid dance around and then it's, then it's, Markey Markin is underwear boxing a locker, like punching a wall, a bunch, and getting all excited. It just seems like Mel Gibson saying things he thought of, and they made it into the first two scenes of the movie.

Maybe. I don't know. Oh, they just let Mel narrate the first three shots in the film. Yeah. So now eventually though, the boxing montage results with Marky market at doctor's office waiting on his brain X-ray results or something. Yeah. And this was like a red herring.

Because like, again, I watched the preview. I knew that like a lot of this movie is going to be about Marky Mark being injured or sick or something. But this was like a red herring to that injury. Yes, sickness. Right. It was like they were teasing. They were like, oh, are we getting the plot started already? No, no.

You've got an hour and a half for that, folks. So this is where we meet his mom. But more importantly, this is also where we meet Marky Mark's selective attempt at an accent. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yes. Accent is this. It's confusing.

It could equally be Brooklyn or Scotland. I have no fucking clue. It felt like Cajun, but fast, like fast Cajun. Yeah. We're Cajun. Sure. Okay. And so the Dodger comes in and he's telling him that he's got a medical issue that's not

going to allow him to box. And it's, this is based on a true story that you went with the real condition. So it's weird. It makes no sense. It takes a long time for them to explain it. And I'm like, writers, this is one of the times where you just lie, right? You just say, oh, you have a week, something in your brain and it's gonna fucking collapse. You don't have to give us this long, convoluted explanation. This is when you write.

You write the next one, man. It's just based on a true story. You don't have to transcribe it right there. Right. So, but the doctor explains he can't box for a living anymore. And I'm just like, well, he wasn't boxing for a living anyway, right? So, but the doctor leaves and his mom starts talking, trying to talk him into getting some normal job kind of job.

Yeah, at one point, she's like, what about oil rigs? I hear those pay well and he's like, that was two movies ago, mom. God keep up. You're going to tell me to buy a zoo next. Well, yeah, he says in the movies, like, I don't have any skills. I couldn't do a normal job. And I'm like, this is a movie about you becoming a priest, isn't it? So, okay. But then we cut to him at a cemetery drinking over his dead brother's grave. Yes. This dead, his brother died when he was like seven or eight years old, and this dead brother will be the entirety of his family dynamic.

Also, can I just say that like, my older brother died when I was an infant and he was a toddler, is a weird uvra to give your main character. Yeah. Right. Like if it's a parent I get it or a best friend who died in a, in a plane accident, so I got top gun on the brain. But like that I get. But the fact that he's like, Oh, I barely remember those 48 seconds we spent together. But this is my main driving force. Oh, and also because of the accident, I have no idea what he's saying here. Yep.

Right. Like I wrote my nose is I feel like he's challenging the corpse to snatch those chicklets from his hand. I'm pretty sure that's what happened, right? Right. All right. He's like, see if you can fucking get him. And then they move on like that didn't just happen.

Like he didn't just look at a grave and try to do the thing with the snatch from the hand. What happened there? Heath, I expect you to do this speechboard for word of my grave when my heart explodes by the way. So, okay. No, this is, we'll be we're taking notes. Okay. Make sure it's in the will. And then he's all drunk and shit. So he gets up and there's this Jesus statue on some grave and he starts trying to like challenge it to a fight. He does a flinch. Yeah. He tries to flinch a Jesus statue. And then I wrote in my notes, he's not gonna punch that statue as he,

and then he punches the statue. And then the cops show up within seconds like they had a sensor on all the statues. Yeah, yeah. Somebody's been punching those Jesus statues. I bet it's this guy. Neighborhood kids. Oh no, it's an adult. It's a, wow, it's grown up. Okay. He turns around so fast. He's like, I wasn't a puncher those Jesus. I bet it's this guy. Neighborhood kids. Oh no, it's an adult.

It's a wow, it's a grown up okay. He turns around so fast. He's like, I wasn't a puncher Jesus. I wasn't a puncher Jesus. I will say the elderly couple that was with me did not appreciate this site guy at all. Yeah, my church didn't like it either. They were not fans.

Gasp. Yeah. Punch your back. No, it's a statue. And proudly stand. Stop it. Come on. So, yeah, so the next morning we get him getting out of jail. Now I should say this movie sells itself is like this guy went from being an X con to being a priest. That's how the

the movie poster is designed and everything. But like all his X con shit turns out to be like to drunken statue punching. That doesn't count. Right. Yeah. I imagine there was a boardroom meeting where they tried to pitch piece of shit tries to become something but dies first and they went with ex gotten it. Okay. Yeah.

That's fair. And it's fair. But yes, so his mom picks him up and she's like, if you thought anymore about the job and he's like, yes, I have. I've come up with the stupidest possible solution here. He's going to be an actor in Hollywood. He's going to go to Hollywood. Yeah.

Oh. And mom's like, you can't act. That's a terrible idea. And I just keep writing in my notes. This is very meta for her to be saved. Marky Mark. She also says that one point, she says all the actors are a bunch of hippie commies. And I just, I want to point out at this point that it was Mel Gibson's girlfriend who wrote

this script. Yeah, I believe so. My theater loved that line, by the way. Yeah. Loved it. Didn't they? So, and of course they established at this point that his estranged father, Mel Gibson, lives out near Hollywood.

I wonder if he'll run into him. So we cut to Mel Gibson. We have to meet him in LA traffic angrily calling the house my driving line. Yeah. He is. And by the way, I just want to say, if anyone calls the house my driving line, it's Mel Gibson. Not Mel Gibson character, Mel Gibson. At one point, he's like on the phone and he's swearing into the phone.

He's using the R slur and stuff and he turns and there's a kid in the other car watching him. And I wrote my notes, oh, Mel Gibson's going to ask that kid if he's Jewish. Oh, that's not the cutting room, Flurry. You know it is. It's there. Absolutely. So, yeah, but that's our introduction to Mel Gibson in the modern day.

And then we cut to Marky Mark making it to Hollywood. There's this part where he's charming the desk clerk at the hotel that he's going to stay at. Oh, God. Yeah. And it's this like, it's like the whole, if I I answer fast enough it must be witty thing. There's a lot of that in this movie sure is there's a lot of like banter in terms of standing very close to the table while playing ping pong. Right. Yeah, but yeah, so he checks into his hotel room. Give you an idea how boring this fucking movie is going to be.

I think there's like about 45 seconds at this point of Marky Mark just hopping around going, woohoo hotel room, right? Yeah. Which means at some point this guy was talking to the writers and he was like, and you got it, you got to remember to say how excited I was to be in a day's end. That's vital to my story and my journey. I get excited though. I mean, even a shitty hotel room, you know, you get like jump on the bed a little bit,

order pizza for yourself if you want. You can do that at home. See? And now I'm planning for the biopic of you. Yeah. I'm already. It's called Home Alone. So then we cut to him getting a job,

slicing meat at a supermarket. Yeah. Am I wrong here? Or did he get the job at the supermarket so that he could smooth his way into Hollywood via the meat counter? Yes. That was his move. Yeah.

That was that was a strategy. Yes. Yeah. In the movies, I believe third montage at this point, we get the bit where he's asking all of his customers, Hey, are, do you work in Hollywood? You are a Hollywood person? In fairness, I had this job. I was a meat slicer at a deli counter

and I used it to make it as a podcaster. So there you go. Oh, stepping stone. I thought it was weird when you traded me a pound of turkey for your job on this show, and I gotta say it's worked out. Yeah, it's absolutely worked out. So, oh, and then we get the bit where he's auditioning and the guys like, if you blow me, I'll give you a part and then he doesn't, he doesn't blow the guy or get the part. He's going

to beat him up. Yes. Cause gay hate crime. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, my audience loved that. Yeah. Yeah. He's beaten up the gay guy classic. Nice. I actually got to watch my audience, because this is the same audience that was burned by Tammy Fei, their fragile. I got to watch my audience be worried he was gonna suck it. And then be like, yeah, hey, cry. All right, close one. Woo, now beat up a Chinese guy.

Okay, okay, quack, quack. All right, so then we cut to him in a bar drinking away his disappointment and not having made it in Hollywood yet. Mm-hmm. This is when I wrote my notes for the first time, wow, this movie hasn't realized that and then nothing in particular happened can't carry the first hour of a film. It will never learn that by the way. Spoiler alert, it can't carry the first 90 minutes of a film either. Right. This scene is just, he goes to a bar. And then in real

life, Marky Mark got into a fight at that bar, so they kept a little bit of that and then they're like, I don't know, that was nothing. He brings up a strong argument that this movie could have been two documentary crews trying to make a movie about Mel Gibson. Respectively. And they were just like, we didn't get enough footage. Or did we? We did too, right? You guys were doing one?

Nice. Oh, yeah, nothing at all happens at that bar. So we go from there to him back at work, slice and meet at the counter. And he starts flirting with this customer that walks by. Yeah. I wrote it in my notes, dude, don't do that. And then the customer is like, dude, don't do that. And then his boss is like, dude, don't do that.

And I'm like, good, move. He'd think, yeah. Well, no, because the movie's like, he's too romantic to hear no when it's said to you. Yeah. Right. The whole fucking romantic stalking of Hollywood here. And to be clear, it's not your typical romantic comedy stalking, which is problematic in retrospect.

This is problematic for the time. This movie's set in 1972 and she's like, hey, man, you're creeping me out. I'm gonna go hang out with JFK and Nixon, where I'll feel more sexually safe. So she essentially runs away from him. He chases her down, but he's too late. And he says to the cashier, Hey, did you see that female lead come through here? She's like sure did she pinned up Advertisement for her church on the bulletin board. So I bet you could have stalk her to there. Yeah, romantically. Yeah, well, right. Yeah, exactly.

He literally says that. He's like, I thought this used to be called romance and everybody's like, it's stalking. You're, you were going to chase a lady into the parking lot. I had to stop you just moments ago. I'm sure that that's how stalkers justified it then. Sure, but this pepper spray is from loving to my I should put that to it.

This point. So I, I don't know how they didn't know this was coming. Seeing how the mid movie was called father stew and not like past or stew. But this was the first time I think that the elderly couple in front of me realized that this was going to be about Catholics, not real Christians. Yeah, that got worse and worse as we went. Did they walk out? No, but they got really uncomfortable eventually. So just stupid distinction. So he stalks Carmen to her church. I wrote in my nose here,

I was like, I can't tell if it's creeper that she stalked him there or that there is a Catholic church, but it's creepy one way or the other. There's nothing good about this character. It's not compelling in any way. And it gets worse from here. I kept turning to Anna and being like, they're hitting all the movie beats of something happens to it character we like. But they forgot to ever make us live.

I forgot to redeem it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So he goes into the church and we have that like, you know, they always know that like, I have like the person who doesn't know how to Christianity yet has to say grace or whatever in the movies. So we get that, but it's a like mass or whatever. So we have to have him like not being good at sitting down in a pew when everyone else does. Right. Yeah. So fucking dumb. It's also I want to point out a Catholic mass is fucking insane if you've never been new it before. Yeah.

So it doesn't quite work. Like, we've watched a lot of David R.A.R. White movies. We're like, I don't know how to say grace. And like, okay, I get it. But like, when someone's walking down the aisle with a silver decanter full of smoke that represents the Pope's All-Seeing connection to the spider God underneath the Citadel. I understand why a character might be like, I don't understand how this ceremony works. Well, and if they were willing to make fun of Catholicism a little bit, they could point out

that he has to stand up lean, kneel, fucking sit down like a goddamn comedy sketched through this entire thing, right? Yeah, Catholicism is the original bobbet and I refuse to be told other. So okay. So then they go to the church cafeteria, I guess, for some lunch. This is where we meet his some

of his best friends are black ham. Okay. So here's what's great about this scene with him. He roasts him. He's like, ham, your name's ham, but like he spends way too long doing it for him and that character

be friends for the rest of the movie. It's just like an indeterminate amount of time being like, ham, fucking ham, stupid, so stupid. His brother's name, cheese again. We I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. There's also this weird moment where he's like, so, so there's this girl that I and ham's like, you mean Carmen, right?

Yes. He's like, yep, it's Carmen. She's apparently the only good looking Catholic in LA. Yeah. Yeah, no, I felt like, he was going to offer to sell him some of her used dryer sheets or something. Yeah, it was pretty freaky. That's no good.

Don't do that. Like, if some guy shows up at whatever your place is, your church even is like, I have this flyer amusing to stalk a lady, Carmen. It's Carmen right there. Don't help with that. No. Yeah. Say who Carmen is and point her out.

The only people who you should respond to when they say, have you seen this woman is a search party. Otherwise, you were just initiating an eventual search party. Even if it's a search party, like do a little homework. Exactly. Who's searching? Yeah. I want a woman and a child to be part of that search party.

Otherwise, they're not going to shit out of me. So yeah. So then Carmen shows up and she's like, Hey, you want to go into the other room? Or should I yell at you in front of all these people? And he's like, we can go into the other. And of course, she's telling them, hey, could you like leave me alone? And he's like, no, by sure can't did so romantic. I just want to take no for an answer. Yeah. And I'm like, you guys know, at a certain point, that's just rape, right? You do know.

Well, it is a Catholic movie. So I'm not sure how much they do know this. And again, like, look, we've seen this even in mainstream movies, not just Christian movies, but like, I won't take no burn answer as romanticism, except the characters in the movie aren't charmed by it in this case. So everyone's just like, Kermit, you okay? Do you want us to have him escorted out by the cops? Yes. Meet cute. Yeah.

There's also this great part where Kermit is like, well, you know, I'm Christian. So even if we were dating, I wouldn't fuck you as stews like, I can pretend to be okay with that and try to talk you out of it. Sure. Yeah. This didn't have to be. I want to throw this out there. I don't think this had to be part of father stew's biopic, right?

I don't think you needed to insist on and make sure everybody knows that I really didn't want to be a Catholic. I really just wanted to fuck this woman I had never met before. Right. I was being walked out of a church because of a restraining order and then I bumped into this lady and all her books fell. And it was, it was really cute. So yeah, so then he's back at his hotel room.

He calls his mom, tells him that he's got his big break. He's gonna be a TV tomorrow, but it's for a mop commercial. Mom is very disappointed. I know the movie is trying to use that as a failure beat, but if you got a national commercial, that would be fucking amazing. That'd be pretty good for your first week

and a half in Hollywood. And it's a funny mop commercial. I laughed at the mop commercial. That was pretty good. That was a good mop commercial. And then we get a, what I have in my notes is a nothing in particular montage. It was a heath eating alone in his home alone. Yeah fine you can say what you know it was. Yeah right at this another way of saying nothing in particular.

Yeah my notes are very careful at this point about the movie I'm like yeah eating steak in your underpants seems like a lifestyle choice. That's the dream. Tell you that you made it. Probably right for some people. Every morning, I say to myself, nailing it while I do that. And by the way, he's eating the, he makes the steak in the pan and then he eats it right out of the pan. And that, there's two advantages to that.

First of all, obviously keeps it warm, but also saves a lot of time. You're not washing your hands. You don't have to do dishes now. Yeah. Why are you adding a plate to the mix? Like an idiot. Podcast listener, you just heard the first lot of time. You're not washing dishes now. Do dishes now. Yeah. Why are you adding a plate to the mix? Like an idiot podcast, listener. You just heard the first sentence of that, but he actually did three and a half minutes of defense.

We don't need to like look at the everything. So yeah, so we get this aggressively boring and then eventually he got an apartment and made himself some underwear staker, whatever. I see, I just, I made it sound so much more interesting than it was. And that comes to him like he's drunk driving at some point. I guess it's his the anniversary of his brother's death or it's his brother's birthday or something. It always has to come back to the brother.

So that's why he's drunk driving when he gets pulled over and harassed by a cop. Yeah, you can tell Mel Gibson had a hand at this. This is very much a rewrite of Mel's incident, shall we say? Yeah, those LA cops always harassing the whites. All right, well, it's anyway, the plot isn't going to kick in for another 45 minutes at least. So we're just going to wing it on where the acts start and and stop. So that means we get take a break, but we're back in a hurry with even more father stew. Does the plot kick in? Yeah, it's like an hour and 38 minutes. All right. Let me know

when that happens. Yeah. I got these in my notes. I've got these signals. Oh, bro, Mel Gibson. I'm so excited to work with you, bro. Hey, you two sparky merge. Oh, you could just call me Mock, like in the Bible. Yeah, Mr. Gibson, like in the fucking Bible. Oh, you know who's in the Bible? Who's that, Mr. Gibson?

Fucking Jews. Yeah, Who's that, Mr. Gibson? Fucking Jews. Yeah, yeah, they are. Did you know that my father is like a prominent hawk-hosted iron? Like prominent. Yeah, no, I am aware of that. Yeah. Gentlemen, so it's time to start the scene

where Mel yells at a vending machine very angrily and Mark starts a fight with someone for no reason. You ready for that? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, hey, Mel. Yeah, Bert. Do you worry that this script is just the worst parts about us as people put on a movie screen? Yeah, and action.

Fucking Jewish vending machine. I'll beat you up and serve minimal consequences, bro. Careful careful yelling careful doesn't make it easier. Just a yes. Careful. Guys, what's what's going on with this balance beam? Oh, hey, Noah, I'm trying to walk that very thin line of properly taking care of my physical health. Yeah, it's tricky. Bob, how so?

Well, you see one side, you have like negative body image on realistic expectations and the general philosophy that anyone who isn't like a fitness model is somehow a failure. Right, but on this side is the total dismissal of physical fitness entirely as something smart people don't have to do that's completely disconnected from the mind. Yeah, I spent a lot of time on that side.

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Nice. Thanks. Say what do you get if you make it to the end of the line anyway? Oh, you get to pick up your grandkids without screaming. Oh, that tracks. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off our hero is getting his car impounded for drunk driving again So we're gonna rejoin the action with him kind of half-assedly trying to steal his dad's truck This is a documentary of these people in real life

100% what's happening maybe Mel Gibson is really marquee marks dead Okay Explained a lot weren't they together in these two roles in a different movie also as dead and son possibly I don't not That I recall I think they were yes, we bought a zoo. Do you ever see him together in the same room? That doesn't make sense This is real. Yeah, so it's so he goes to this like construction site where his dad works And he's like I'm gonna steal this truck and everybody's like that's Bill's truck You can't have it and he's like I'm They're like, you don't have the keys though. So it does, there's no.

He's like, okay, well, I'm gonna sit in here and whine at about it. My daddy issues in it. And they're like, wait, I guess we can't stop you from doing that. Legally, I'm gonna hotwire it. Now, you're just fiddling around with your hands. That's nothing, nothing's gonna happen there.

What's amazing is, I think Marky Mark was like, my characters can usually hotwire cars. I'll just reach No, the script says I don't do that damn But yeah, then finally Mel Gibson comes over and they're supposed to have like a sassy back and forth But it's just like two poisonous assholes yelling at each other. Yep, right? It's supposed to be like, ah What kind of father are you? What kind of son? But it's just like, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have,

I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, movie. So then we cut to Carmen finishing up her Sunday school teaching thing and and Marky Mark shows up to harass her some more. Mm-hmm. This is when she tells him that she won't date him unless he gets baptized as a Catholic and he's like, yeah, of course. Sure. He's so happy to be baptized. She's like, you'd have to get baptized. He's like, yeah, it's all bullshit. Why not? Go ahead, dunk me. Right. Yeah. I'll be a Muslim too. Whatever you want.

I'll go swimming and then we fuck great. And by the way, I should point out there because this is really insidious, the way that it's usually done. There is a very strong user vagina for the glory of Christ messaging that's being sent to women here that like, you know, very strong. Yes. Throughout this movie, I thought we should acknowledge. So yeah, fucking gross. But apparently, that was enough because now he and Carmen are dating. We cut to them at a karaoke bar singing off key. Yeah, you know, you know, it's fun. I love to watch karaoke in the movie. It's only like the worst thing you can watch and then nothing. Yeah, it's barely standable when it's people you like, let alone fictional characters you don't. standable when it's people you like let alone fictional characters you don't. Yeah.

And also let's point out that this is the third time in the movie that we've paused for a little off key singing, right? Because you got him cooking as a kid and as an adult. This is the karaoke of movies. Like that's the one they went with. It's karaoke cinema. Next time I get drunk, I'm just going to like drag everybody to this movie. Come on, it's Kennedy.

It's, I'll do it first drag everybody in this movie. Come on. It's getting me It's gonna I'll do it first. I'll watch the movie first Also in this scene he appears to be trying to karaoke her into consent because they're singing a love song Yes, right like he's liking how to read the words on the screen and she's like it's okay to have sex with me And she's like you, none of this works. Rains like, I don't know. It's the 70s. So okay. So then we cut to him at it Sunday school. It's Ash Wednesday. They all have the silly little smudge on their heads. And they're talking about what they're going to give up. Now they go for the kindergarten cop, you know, boys have a penis, girls have a vagina joke with one of the kids, right?

The one kid goes, my dad said he's going to give up porn for, for Len and everybody to see he's and I'm like, Hey, Catholics, bring it in. Don't have children make sex jokes in your movies for at least the next century forever for a ballpark ever would be great. Yeah. Right. Like, so if Arnold Schwarzenegger had a bunch of allegations of touching children inappropriately, that kindergarten cop bit wouldn't work. No, right. Yeah. They didn't have Arnold do like a self-pressed exam for a bunch of cleaning

workers. Yeah. But instead, Marky Mark gets into an argument with that child about whether or not porn is sex. Yeah. Again, this is a documentary. 100% Martin Martin. Well, I said, I think give up sex and give up porn on the same day. He said, he said porn first. He starts yelling this child. It was very convincing. Well, right.

And again, this is supposed to be this like, oh, he sure is bad at Christianity at this point in his character, arc, but he wants to fight a kid. Right. Like, bad at Christianity, I wanted to fight a kid should be taken in two very distinct ways. Yeah. Well, I hear what I think it is. We're so used to the trope of like being bad at Christianity, good at Christianity,

but this is bad at Catholicism, good at Catholicism. And the end result of being good at Catholicism is waving the giant silver chalice for the spider gods. So they got started. They're like, oh yeah, no, when you're a bad Catholic, you want a fist fight at shine. You drive drunk. And so, okay.

So now he and Carmen are at a, at a fucking bar more. He brings up the problem of evil. These of he, his dad, brother to her. Right, how can God be good if he killed my little brother when we were kids? This might be the worst problem of evil apologetic we've had in a movie.

So I don't even remember what she said because it was so stupid, but I wrote in my notes like the key to answering this question is you act like the answer to it is super simple, but then you're so fucking vague that no one can tell if you've answered the question at all. Yeah, well, I mean, the joke we used to make about problem of evil is Jingley keys,

and she literally hands him, Jingley beads. She does. Here you go. Yeah. He starts batting him around like a cat. Yeah. This isn't so bad. Yeah, and so, and then we get this,

another fucking montage of him like learning to Jesus better. Oh God. But so here's the thing though, is that all their stuff is simplistic and stupid, but they have to make it seem complicated. So it's like watching them be getting better at archery montage with its target is literally the broad side of a bar.

Right? Right? Yeah. Oh, is this the where they have that little meeting that like church? Yes. Yeah. Is that a real like do churches have these terrifying little meetings where like six of you sit on tiny little chairs for kids and then a pastor as a power move and a grown-up chair tells you about the Bible as a like a little focus group

I can't speak to the chair size, but yes, that's They definitely do this communion class God that's Nightmare and again same thing right because the priest gives him a bunch of Latin words and obtuse terminology But with the message that the priest is sending him underneath all of that is just do better as a human Yep, just be a better human the message that the priest is sending him underneath all of that is just do better as a human. Yep. Just be a better human. Could you suck a little less?

We'd like you to be sympathetic before act three. Right. He will not. Or midway through. Yeah. I was about to say he's not going to hit the pace. You just. Yeah.

No. All right. But then so okay. So now he's ready to get baptized. He's going off for baptism. He can't tie it tie it all though You know how He calls his mom Tells him that he's gonna get baptized for some check. I want to give credit where credits due to this film mom Who you always expect to be like? I'm so proud of you, baby

You've found a failed G bus at every point of this movie when he's like, hey, ma'am, doing some Christian shit. She's like, that sounds boring and stupid, bye. Yeah. The mom's excellent. For the entire film till he literally dies. Yep. No, the mom was the only sympathetic character in the whole fucking movie for me.

Yeah. So, yeah, so, but he goes, mom, she's not very proud of him. And then he goes to get baptized. Carmen is very impressed with how immersed in water part of his head is Okay, thank you because I I was like are they going for a cheesecake shot here? And they definitely are yes, yeah, he takes the shirt out He pops the shirt in real life and they're like all right fine, okay And they use it mark you mark starts to slowly slide his pants down. He's like, no.

Mark. So you, they just do the like, pour over his head with like, you know, a picture thing. But you know, you know that video of like the Russian Orthodox priest, like killing a baby. Yeah. That's all I wanted this whole time. Yeah. All I want, Mark and Mark got that big of a guy. He, that's all I wanted this whole time. Yeah. All I want. Marky Marks

got that big of a guy. He's a small guy. I feel like a big Russian Orthodox priest could have been picking this guy up and just like slamming him over and over into a big thing of water. There's like a normal priest doing it. And then Marky Mark gets up there and the undertaker rises. Yes. Yes. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. So but no, instead of we just get fucking a picture of water dumped over the back of his hat or something. So then we get to see where he meets Carmen's parents. Don't worry. We will literally never see these characters again.

No, no, they do have this weird sex moment, though, where the dad's like, I want you to know that I need you to treat my daughter like the statue of Virgin Mary. And I wrote my notes, got it. Punch her while he's strong. Jesus Christ. He's established a pattern. No. Yeah.

I guess what we're supposed to learn here is that he's taken it real seriously because he learned to say grace in Spanish for these motherfuckers. And then dad misogynates a little bit about, you know, his daughter and how he owns her and won't give her up cheap, I guess. Yeah, he says, he says, I need you to crawl on your hands and knees to my daughter. Right. Apparently people do that with the statue he was talking about. And you can see Mark Mark being like, okay, crawl hands needs mouth stuff. Good tip. Okay, got it. He's got it. Is that what you said? So and then we get his first confession. And of course, he just he doesn't know how to confess.

He's talking far too out. Yeah. He's not taking it very seriously at all. I am an atheist. What is this bench church bench thing? Do I sit? How does it? So confusing. All right. So so now he's back at a bar yet again, where one out of every three of scenes in this movie take place.

And there's a mysterious guy at the bar saying the kind of pseudo intellectual crap that people dumb enough to get roped in by Catholic is something he's profound. Matthew, Jesus. Matthew, Jesus. That's correct. Matthew, Jesus is in like, you go to a bar and a stranger

starts halfway through a crazy speech into your ear from really close. You go away. Yeah. But Mark and Mark's like on board right away. He's like, oh, this sounds like an interesting conversation with this guy. I'm gonna get in there.

Yeah, and he talks for a while. Because this movie is about the guy who's having that conversation at the bar. Yeah, he talks for a while because this movie is about the guy who's having that Conversation at the bar. Well right written by the people who have that conversation at the bar Right, like keep in mind that this is a guy who almost at one point in this movie got into a fight with a mounted deer head at a bar Right almost got into a fight with a Jesus statue at one point when he was drunk and apparently fucking Meth angel Jesus or whatever can show up and start roasted him and he's like, yeah, that's pretty good. You nailed me. Yeah, me. Right, but it's so unsuddle like he just keeps hinting at the rest of the plot of the movie. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right.

And then of course he ends the whole thing by going, now whatever you do, don't go drunk driving and get yourself into an accident. And Marky Mark is like, what? And Matthew Jesus was like, what? Yeah. It's, it's, you say, you're so clearly trying to be like, no, God damn it. I am Jesus Christ. And I'm trying to give you a less Nazarene. And Marky Mark's just like, dumber and dumber missing it. The guy's like, getting up on a ladder. I'm on a cross now. Do you see this? Oh, no, he's okay. He's watered out on the floor, starts to walk back and forth on it. Huh? Iskating? No. What? I'm going to go do more of the math in the bathroom. It's water. Yeah. Somebody, but dammit. If he doesn't go drunk driving, get himself into the most amazing accident I have ever seen. I got in trouble with my theater.

I always get in trouble every time. I'm like, I'm not gonna get in trouble with my theater, but I couldn't, the second impact was too much for the second one. The second one was way too, I got in trouble on the second one. If I recall correctly, he's, so he pulls out in front of him. He's on a motorcycle. So he swerves out in front of this guy, hits another guy,

flies off of his motorcycle into another truck, falls onto the ground and then gets run over. Yeah, he slides. He slides so far, what do you get shot off? Right. And they very clearly put like one of those boxing dummies with the mean face on on a highway and ran it over with Ted Subaru because the head does like a, like that boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, so, so he gets hit by 17 cars and he's laying their half dead on the road when suddenly the Virgin Mary shows up to tell him that everything's gonna be okay. And then an Anvil lands on him. She's like, we're good, we're good, it's enough now. I'm doing my thing. It's my Mina.

Sorry, that, that was Joseph. He's very jealous. Yeah, but so, and then half dead, he starts roasting Virgin Mary. Yeah, he's like, oh, you're the Virgin Mary Tell you son. I said fuck you Also, why is the Virgin Mary white? She's that would do just I just I'm always surprised. I look. She's white. Yeah. I mean like I'm always used to white Jesus at this point But I am always taking it back when there's just like

Very clearly a girl from Minnesota being like it's me the virgin fucking Mary bro here Okay, good chance they tried to have Jesus not be white and it didn't work out in the scene with Marky market the bar Yeah, all right We have to get some got him on his way out to the car sure yet no it makes We're cutting so much of this just for slurs. We're going to have to combine with Mel Gibson. We're going to have to get out of this two hours. All right, so now we got to, he's combitose in a hospital. Mom's there.

The doc is like, hey, you know, your son's probably going to die. And she's like, no, no, no, my other son already died. That's my entire personality. This would be you can't have, but doesn't it seem like she's saying, you can't have both kids die? That's the rule. Yeah. She almost says it.

She's like, lightning never strikes twice. And like, so I already, you God killed one of my kids. That's impossible. To do another one. That's what she said. Right.

And the doctor's like, you know, lightning doesn't strike the same place twice as the saying. You dumb fucking idiot. And also it does sometimes. No, there's only ever the same place twice as the saying. You dumb fucking idiot. And also it does sometimes. No, there's only ever been one lightning strike ever. Read a book. And then the Dodger's like, oh, you know, we could remember,

recommend a good grief cow's story for you because, you know, the doctor doesn't know the awesome power of God yet. Yeah. This is a Christian movie, Bingo Square. We are sorely in need of the doctor who's just doing their job and the other person retelling the story as the doctor being like, let me tell you, that's one dead son. Do you mind if I eat him before he could hold? You got to finish that son.

Yeah, so Carmen shows up. She's got a Bible and a rosary. Mom for her part roasts the Bible and all the bullshit prayer stuff. Again, I don't know how I secretly snuck into the writer's room because this is very clearly supposed to be the moment where mom is like one over by Jesus, but instead mom's like, oh, you like the Virgin Mary. Could you tell the Virgin Mary to eat my ass? Yeah, but of course, stupid fucking movie. Pretty much the second the Bible touches Stu's hand, he wakes up from his coma.

Yeah, because Jesus. Yeah, right, because Jesus is in that book. And of course, elsewhere in the hospital, we get Mel Gibson yelling at a vending machine. Yeah. I wrote my notes at this point. I don't like the way that angry atheists are being portrayed in this film.

I was gonna say, I became careful in my notes here as I was careful in my notes about eating steak in your underwear. Sometimes the fucking vending machine doesn't give you the goddamn candy bar though. Exactly, yeah. We're all agreeing, steak in your underwear and throwing a vending machine to the ground.

Yeah. Jude started all the bending machines. This is another real life thing with Mel Gibson for sure. Yeah. So but then they will stew out. He's out of his coma and Mel Gibson seems to have apparently disappointed that he's not dead. Er, he's like, Jesus, I came all the way down here and you're not even still in a fucking coma. Fuck you. Yeah. So. And then this is also where Mel meets Carmen

for the first time and finds out that his son is Catholic for the first time. It's so good. She's like, hi, he is Catholic now. And he's like, no, he's an atheist. And Marky Mark might as well be doing the like cut gesture under his skin behind me. Nope, dad, remember, I love genius.

Jesus, team, team. Should've written it down. I'm not. I play cock, well, I'm wrong. All right. Yeah, so Marky Mark is a he recovers fully, so he gets out of the hospital. He's wanting to run a crisis. He goes back to the bar where he met that mysterious metha Jesus, right?

How, hey, was I drinking with Jesus Christ of Nazareth the other night? And the bartender's like, I don't know, man. Oh, this is so bad. I expected the bartender to be like, that metha Jesus died 20 years ago, this very night or so. This is so dumb.

This your sweater? Yes, you're here in 2000. So yeah, so he goes to Carmen and he's like, yeah, I just, you know, I don't get it more problem of evil stuff. And she's like, you know what? I don't, I've run out of apologetics. How about we fuck instead? Yeah. Okay. I think this is the first ever like pity problem of evil fuck.

I'm just going to move. That's interesting. I found this is the first ever like pity problem of evil fuck I think that's interesting. I found this interesting Hey, can I just say we are 349 Christian movies in this is the only acceptable answer to the problem I'm sold if William Lane Craig just sort of gently starts to run his finger down my lips into my to run his finger down my lips into my chest. If we're ever in an debate, I'm fucking soul cosmol. You did win. I just want to point out one thing though. Before she fucks him, she says, you're probably wondering why this happened. And I wrote my notes.

He drove drunk for the fourth time that we've seen in this movie. I don't really think that comes as a problem of evil. Ha ha ha ha. Problem of evil is like eyeball cancer and hurricanes. Not like, why would it be three strikes in your eye, I'm in jail. Ha ha ha ha ha. So yeah, so he has sex with karma, but then he has to go to confession, right? Because he's all nervous that God's going to be mad at him. And he tries to be coy with the priest.

He's like, I had X, say, with an ADV. Yeah, the priest explains to him the confidentiality thing. He's like, oh, oh, dude, don't worry. I can't tell anybody what you say. Trust me, I am covering up so many child rapes right now. Like, you are, your consensual sex is not even a thing. Don't worry about it, my guy. And this is also where the priest kind of suggests

that maybe God has plans for stew that'll eventually kick in. Okay, this is so good because you can see one of the things that I love most about reviewing Christian movies that are based on a true story is you can see the edges of the real conversation through the fuk state that ended up being the movie, which is like this guy stew who sucked showed up at confession and was like, I don't know

why God hit me with a car. And the priest was like, ah, this asshole. I don't know. Maybe God has better plans for you and stew walked out of there being like, God especially wants me to be his very best friend. Yes, right. You can hear the priest opening a fortune cookie on the other side of the confessor. The penny saved as a penny, er.

So okay, so now yet again we're at a bar. This time he's talking things over with ham and ham's like, what should I do? And he's like, I don't know, ham's like what should I do? And he's like, I don't know, man, but whatever you do, it really needs to initiate some kind of plot or something like the the game guys are going to have nothing to fucking talk about. I do have a dumb name, but you really got to move past that. Yeah, his thing just ham is he's like, maybe I'm secretly super awesome. And Ham's like, that's one idea.

Let's throw a couple of ideas. Maybe it's a bunch of ideas. Pin and that. Yeah, but then we have yet another montage. This is the him trying to figure out where to go from here montage. And then include some jogging and some praying and some some fucking spinning the wheel of plot and sexually handling the rosary beads. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's very centrally. Yeah, and then he's like priest perfect, right? So yeah, this montage ends with him at a diner with Carmen and he tells her the big news

he's gonna be a priest. Yeah, And Carmen's like, that's fucking dumb. And I'm like, yep, Carmen nailed it. She is not right off in this movie. Not only is it dumb, it's the only possible decision less likable than bad alcoholic who fucked a girl who's not supposed to have sex before marriage, right? Yeah. He basically takes her to a restaurant, gets down on one knee and is like, now you're just living in sin.

Surprise. Yeah, this is rough. Like he just had sex with her for the first time. And he's like, so that was great. I'm going to be celibate now forever. Yeah, no, it was so good. I don't want to ruin it. But what I've decided on with other, I want it to be the last one.

Sex. Not to have my own stake in the underpants moment, but just because someone becomes celibate right after they have sex with you, doesn't necessarily mean that you weren't awesome at it. And so this is where he tells her about seeing the virgin Mary after his accident and she's like, oh, well, you were hopped up on drugs in a coma after being heavily indoctrinated

from with Catholic imagery for the first time in your life. You saw Catholic imagery. I guess there's only one explanation for that, right? Yep. But to be clear, the argument of the movie here is head trauma made him think more clearly, actually.

Mm-hmm. And also like 40 minutes of this movie has been this love story, which he is now going to slam dunk into a garbage can for the rest of the film. Yep. Yeah. And she even says, like, you know, I thought you were taking me here to propose and I'm

like, that fucking diner. Really? I mean, I, I guess, you know, teach his own, but whoo. So I, and it was even worse than that. I thought about it. Each, we would each have our own pan of steak at my house. But, you know, diner, right? They do it. But no, I'm celibate now. Yeah. All right. Well, consider this incident incited at the end of act two. What's the incident? Holy fuck do I need

another break? So let me give actually the hard sell here. Do they know about nonlinear storytelling? So let me give actually the hard sell here. Do they know about non-linear storytelling? Can not having a plot be the plot? Ooh. Why didn't they stop making the movie when they realized that nothing interesting ever happened to this guy? Find out the answers to these questions and more.

We'll be returned for the plotting conclusion of... Father's stew. Hey podcast listener. As you've already heard, we like to do fun little sketches, songs, and bits for our advertisements. But seeing as we have a lot more view than usual this week, our final sponsor is Better Help. And we just wanted to talk to you about it.

Since we started advertising with Better Help, we've had literally dozens of listeners tell us it was their first chance of getting help from a licensed professional therapist. What's Better Help? He could only not do the sketch if he's still got a point. It's both, I care about both equally. Equally? I mean, by which I mean different amounts obviously. You know, better help is customized online therapy

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give them a try. Our listeners really love the service. And we want you to get help if you need it. What's help if you need it? No, no, you don't get to mark down to points. That's two. Bert, I wonder if you want to put up your ass. Andrew's not gonna ratify that. Now Stu, what's this I hear about you wanting to become a priest? I'm telling you, Dad, I saw the Virgin fucking Mary

when I got hit by a car. I totally gotta be a priest now. Okay, son, but before that, you wanted a Marius Stranger, and you only saw it because you moved to LA on a whim to become a famous movie star. Yeah, yeah, those were my dreams then, or they were, because now I'm gonna be a fucking priest.

Right. Let me just check something real quick, Stu. The father's still, you can call me father's still. Not yet. Nope. You see the front of that magazine with that cowboy on it? Oh my God. I just realized I want to be a cowboy.

Right. Yeah. But so. I'm going to take a shit. I'm a piece of shit. You know what that one you can keep. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to rejoin Stu and Carmen running in to tell his mom about the priest thing like two kids that each want to get their side of

the story out first. Okay, this is another amazing mom moment too. She's the best. He's like, hey mom, big news and she's like, you're in porn now? Yeah, right away. He's like, what? No. Why do you always guess that?

It's always that. No priest. I, right away. And he's like, what? No. Why do you always guess that? It's always that. No, priest. I'm a priest. God damn it. I'm calling back to another one of you right, did the oil rig bit early? Never, never. Never.

Where are you? Fucking head. But yeah, so and Carmen's like, yeah, he's going to make a huge mistake. And she's like, mom's like, well, it's your fault. Carmen Carmen's like, no, it's your fault, mom. And, and then Stu is gets angry at them and storms out. Take my idea I had just now seriously dammit. Yeah. We also get the scene where he like sends his application into seminary school with basically a handwritten letter in cram. This was fucking insane.

Yeah they they try to play this a comedy bit. But it's it's not because it's based on a true story Yeah, so what we're given to understand is that this absolute fucking nutcase Roto letter being like I priest now With a bag of wet fives and ones Yeah, so we get that scene and they're like no he'll never be never be a priest. That's for sure. And then we get him coming home and Mel Gibson is there to chew him out about this whole priest idea he's had. Yeah, he's like, if you're going to be a priest, you should just murder me. He pulls out a gun.

Yeah. He pulls out a loaded gun and says, here, take this and shoot me in the fucking head if you're going to be a priest. And I'm like, you know, that's overly dramatic, but I do get it, right? Like I do understand us atheists were very emotional about. Yeah. Oh, you're going to stop being atheist. Shoot me in the goddamn face right now, my son.

Yeah. That's typical. Who hasn't heard the age old story of the atheist kicking his son out of the house because he doesn't follow the family's atheists. Yeah, but Jesus. So and then and Stu's like, I'm leaving. And he leaves and Mel Gibson grabs the trash. I think he's going to throw it at Stu.

We never see that. We never see it. We just watch Mel Gibson take out the trash because this is a documentary they combined into shooting. Yeah. because this is a documentary they combine into shooting, murdering, murdering. Yeah. Also, he got rejected from a seminary school, right? Yeah.

So he has indexed like fucking Catholicism headquarters to give him a what for. Yeah. Right. Because apparently he's pursuing the priesthood the way he pursued Carmen. I actually considered doing this where I got wait listed when I put unconscious.

I was like, I'm going to show up and ask him why I didn't get accepted. I feel like I'll be able to be able to present the case and they'll take it very well. And I might get in. There you go. I did not. It would have worked teeth. You should have done it. Yeah, I should have worked out great for Spider-Man.

So and look, there cannot possibly be more than eight people on earth that want to be Catholic priest. I like the least believable part of this movie where the Virgin Mary shows up and Jesus has a drink with them and shit is that the Catholic Church is turning people down from priest fucking applications. I don't buy it. Oh, I'm sorry. Is he not moral enough to join your cabal of child rapist? Right. The Catholic Church. Yeah. There's no good experience on the resume for magic. Like what? What, what, what are they judging that based on? Have you ever turned any crackers into flesh?

I mean, I don't think. Do you write an essay? But he goes into this one senior's office. There's a very like, if you don't let me it be a priest, I'll punch you kind of vibe. But I guess the month senior just likes his pluck, right? Like the cut of his jib. Yeah. So. I enjoyed that there was that moment of like,

all right, well, there's nothing we can do because we're both lying evenly thing that Christians must get into. So like the man senior is like, well, God's not sure you're the best candidate. I spoke to God, God's like, maybe not. And then Mark, Mark's like, well, God's not sure you're the best candidate. I spoke to God. God's like, maybe not. And then Mark, Mark's like, well, God wants me.

I just, sorry, I just had it. Bring, bring God says he does want me here. He reconsidered your conversation. And they're both like, liars, impass. Yeah. It's like when you watch two kids playing with a doll that they've both attributed sentience to. No, Mr. Minkin says he wants to be the doctor in my hospital. Yeah. Right. Damn it. Mr. Minkin's

does want to be the doctor in your hospital. So yeah, but whatever it is, it works because now we get the scene of him starting at Catholic Hogwarts or whatever. Yeah, we have to turn in all of his worldly goods. Is that real? Yeah, yeah, they did, like you do turn in your wallet, you give your money in shit and all you get to keep is like your ID. I wrote my notes, like there's no reason to do that shit that isn't creepy as all fuck. Yeah, so I Googled this because I didn't know if this was just a dramatic flare. And like the fourth result I found was a Reddit thread about how often this practice is abused

than that like seminary students often don't have money for food. Yeah. It's like a weird, it's real culty. There's no reason for the practice other than to abuse it. What the fuck would it be? Why would you need to do that? Right, exactly.

So but anyways, and then with the, he meets his roommate and they don't is roommates Very stuffy and he's not stuffy. They're not gonna get along at all Okay, I watched this with Anna She assures me that this roommate was in the movie before this point. I don't I believe her don't also I wrote my nose because they like he walks into the thing and then we've glance over and it's this guy and I'm like Are we supposed to recognize that guy? Yeah.

So according to my wife, who again, both no one, I are pretty sure is making this up. He was like judging, he was a priest in the church that he's been trying to go to, who's been like giving him the side eye throughout the movie. I, again, I think he's making an alter point. Oh, exactly. Yeah. She's probably right, but like they didn't establish that well enough for me to know it in the moment.

So also, okay, there's this weird fucking scene. So he doesn't, him and his roommate don't get along. So now it's two o'clock in the morning and Markey Mark is up late practicing his priestly bell ringing. But that's not a thing that you would practice. Nope. Sure isn't. But that is literally the example Chuck Berry came up with for something that Johnny be good

could play a guitar like that takes no effort. Okay, but again, Marky Mark real life. I'm fucking nailing this ball. There's no way that's not real. He is he attempts to do the bell badly at the beginning of the scene, but it's a bell. So it works perfectly. He's like, fuck, I didn't do it. I did do it.

I did. No way to not do it. You can't pick the item up. We're going to grab the little tongue. We're going to make a line of bells down the middle of the room. And then you're, I don't know what this is. I'm going to ring it with your ass cheeks. We're trying to a line of bells down the middle of the room and then you're I don't know what this is Ring it with your ass cheeks trying to get a plot going. Yeah, right. We really need a plot at this point We need to go to a sitcom show from 1990 So yeah, and then we get this um, you know

Nobody believes in stew. No one other things. He'll make a good priest shit talk moment Yeah, and then we get them all planned basketball together, all the priests, all the seminary students, except for stuffy roommate who's just studying the Bible instead. Yeah, he didn't learn how to play basketball. They take stuffy roommate and they like try to force a character onto him, like they're cleaning up before parents get home.

He's like, oh yeah, no, my dad never taught me to play basketball. He always wanted me to be a priest. And by the way, his name is Jeff. And I was just like, hey, guy, guy, there's 11 minutes left in this movie. I don't give a fuck you. What? You had an hour and 15 minutes if you wanted to give this character

a personality, you can't do that now. Fuck you. Maybe take a little of the Marky Mark's television is broken in the hotel room time. Or all apologies to Heath. Take away some of the steak in a pan eating. Yeah. Well, I thought I was right about you. You got to keep some of that. But they did clearly have this little bit of basketball actually happen because Marky Mark in real life. And he really does like kind of know how to play basketball. So he was like, well, we're going to make me

look good and I'm going to have a little bit of basketball in there. Yeah. But literally all they get is him being like, time out. This guy's black. I need a time out. And it was like, what is happening? Because he's talking about him who is by chance an African American person. He calls time out and says, this guy's black, I need a timeout. And so that's the best they could get and keep out of what happened while Mark was playing basketball with this guy. Right.

So yeah, so that's the end. And now we've got him like going back to his old church as a hair, a clarek or whatever, the next thing down from priestess, but he's going to preach in the kind of down home, folksy and relatable way that this denomination needs, darn it. Okay, but his sermon is apropos of nothing if you had sex with me and you're mad at me now because immediately afterwards I wanted to be a priest.

You should forgive me. I'm preaching. Therefore, that's what God wants you to do. The end. Yep. Yes. Yeah, Carmen's sitting there going like, at least you didn't say my name out loud.

You're literally staring at me the entire time. Stop listing the sexual positions we did. Please, please. My mom's here. And then he ends. So he catches up to her afterwards. He's like, Hey, did you notice that my really gross sermon was all about you and our fucking and how you shouldn't be mad at me anymore? And she's like, yes, I

noticed. I'm so mad at you. And he's like, so you dating anybody and you see, literally, yep, that happens in the movie. Uh, and apparently stuffy roommate, narked on him about this because he, because like we see him see Marky Mark talking to Carmen. And then the next scene is the mon senior given him the, are you fucking a lady speech? Yeah, because we know how watchful the Catholic church is for its priests and their sexual impropriety at the,

at the slightest whiff of sexual impropriety nobody comes down harder than the Catholic church. Well, you know, with a consenting woman, that's probably true, yeah. But yeah, no, he promises not to fuck anybody. He's like, you know, I've won a lot of fights in my life. I can fight my sexual urges. Sure. Yeah.

He basically says not having sex is just like a fist fight. And I was like, oh, that's actually accidentally a pretty good saying Sex is just like a fist fight. Yeah beat up. Yeah So but the month senior assures to that if he ever wants to talk about not fucking he is available Then they walk away and we get this scene where he like fantasizes about beating the fuck out of Nark priest But he does is comedy. Yeah. Or that was Marky Mark's real life and they had to pretend it was a flat. Oh yeah. Right. Yeah. Not a real flash. Okay. All right. It's making a lot of sense.

Yeah. It's all coming together. All right. So now they're playing basketball again. You remember when I said earlier that the incident was inside. I was lying. This is the actual inciting incident in the movie. Oh, this is, this is it. Okay. Plot. All right. Yep.

Right. Here it comes. Here it comes. We're an hour and 15 minutes into this review. But yeah. So, but he collapses on the basketball court and they try to help him stand up. But then he collapses again. And they just, they just keep doing.

Okay. This was in. I literally thought that I had like blacked out or had a vision of the future. He tries to walk. I think it was four times. I think you're right, actually. He's like, Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm okay. Oops. Oh, no. Okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. Oops. And then two more times. It's so long. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm, and then two more times, so long. I just got happier and happier and happier as Mark and Mark and I have been in this thing. I was trying to stand a weeble on its head, yes.

Yeah, I know you're not supposed to laugh at like degenerative muscle diseases which is about to learn this is, but when it's Mark, it's funny, it just is. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, so we cut to him at the hospital. Dot comes in, tells him he has a rare condition

that's not ALS, but it's like ELS. And here's how it's like ALS. And I'm like, again, writers, just give him ALS. Just have it be ALS, thank you. Why would you have it? We know what that is. That's fine. It's actually referred to as Marsden Former syndrome.

Yeah, no, we care. Right. Jesus. So he's like, yeah, you have an incurable muscular disease. You're gonna waste away and you're gonna die from it. And he's like, wow, is there any good news? He's like, well, your dick will still work for a very long time. He's like, I'm a priest. He's like, oh, well, then there was no way

that anything was gonna be good news. You're a fucking priest. You should stop becoming a priest. Yeah, right. Can you talk to your God and have him cure this disease, which I've already been doing. Hold on. I just did it for you. Stop becoming a priest, he said.

Oh, and we have to do that several times, right? We have to keep examining the downside of believing in magical bullshit because the next scene is him telling him, ah, you know, them doctors might just be underestimating the awesome power of God, right? And hey, you know, them doctors might just be underestimating the awesome power of God. Right. And hey, spoiler alert, he does not get better. He dies of this thing. Yep.

Exactly. He dissolves into a puddle of goo and dies. So the movie, you can watch the movie being very light handed with the power of God's stuff in this scene. It's like, I don't know. Maybe God's got a, a, a goo based path for you. Yes. Right.

Yeah. And then, okay. So, Ham roasts muskler district for a little while. And then, Markey Mark goes to a church for Lillele crying. Oh, God. And I was like, this whole movie might be worth watching just for Markey Mark's desperate Oscar clip here. Yeah. Is this a bingo square yet?

The ugly crying at God scene. I don't think it is. Oh, but it needs to be. It needs to be. It's somewhere between spicy food and the 20th shit of the day. Oh, so this went on for so long that I get to feeling the director was afraid Marky Mark was going to punch him if he said cut. Yeah, absolutely.

There's no question they just sent him in with a GoPro and they were like, whatever you do in there, man, we'll put it in the loop. Do you get to a weeping situation at the 20th? Is that what you're saying? Do you not? I don't get to a 20th. I mean, but you would trust me. You would be weeping.

Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, thank you. I do enjoy how, okay, so these ugly crying scenes, you know, it's, you're talking to God every time, even in Christian movies, they don't get an answer. God never is like, yeah, so it's, uh, it is a goo-based thing, but trust me, it's going to work out. Why not have that happen once in a while? Might as well.

Yeah. It's your movie. We've already had Jesus show up as a fucking drunken meth head at a bar. We might as well. His mom was there to cradle you during a head injury. Why not have God show up in the pew next to you to be like, trust me, you're going to make a movie that makes $30,000 hoping we can. It's going to go great.

This movie's making money right now. No. Don't say it. Yeah, probably. We're all having a good time. You don't ruin it. Markey Mark's net worth is really big. No.

All right, so, but this scene wraps up, he calls his mom and his mom's like, don't you have Catholic magic? Is that not gonna help? Huh? No? It's not, because it's fairy tales. That's why I'm like, go mom.

Yep. It's 300 million, I just checked. God dammit. Why did you do that? I thought it was, we were enjoying. We were having a good time. We were having a lovely time. It was gonna be small.

Enjoying our movie review. I forgot about wall burgers. Yeah, oh there you go, yeah. Hey, here those are very good. So mom calls Mel Gibson and she's like, hey, your son has not ALS, but like ALS. Are you just a cameo in this movie? Are you going to do something here? And he's like, I guess I'll, what would you say you do in this movie? Right. And he's like, I guess I'll be a large

part of the next seven scenes. Fine. First of question, can he shit by himself? That's his first question. And dad hears that the kid has a muscular district thing. He's like, can he shit? Because I'm not coming over there. And then we get to actually do some of that. So that's fun in the movie. I guess it's better than karaoke. Show. Yeah. They said a low bar.

They should have combined it. All right. So, but the next day Stu comes to visit Mel at his trailer. Stu is, it makes a classist remark and then Mel makes both a racist and then an ableist remark and it's like, oh, you win. You win the bigotry contest that we suddenly. There's an amazing moment. They're going back and forth with their bigotry contest and it pans over to their black neighbor at this trailer park for a second.

It's just like, you guys suck. Your documentary crew's talk about you when you're not active. Go back to their scene. We should also point out by the way, then by this point, the movie, Marky Mark has given up on whatever accent he was trying for at the beginning. But it was selective throughout, but he's not even doing that anymore. He's just doing the Marky Mark voice. I think maybe mentally in his head, they put the fat suit on him and he was like, I slowed down talking. So I'm not doing, it's not cajun or fast anymore.

This is an idiot. Okay. So this is my best worst. I want to talk about it. At the very end of the movie, spoiler, we get some clips of the actual guy and he was fat. He was fat. Sure. So I think marquee mark was like hey there is no

conceivable way people will see me on screen the beautiful Opinion of human being that I am and Understand that I'm dying we must put me in a Jiminy Glick second hand For the rest of the film. It's that level. I don't remember what was Jar Jar Banks. The fact, member Jar Jar Banks had like heads of his people who had big toad waddles. Them, he stole one of those costumes from the set of episode one.

No, yeah, no, he was sumo wrestling in a balloon at some kind of tourist trap. Yeah. It was incredible. We're not quite there yet, though. It's like he had to roll a D 10,000 and he got blown up. Yeah, exactly. Or like stole the gum from Willy Wonka, yeah, someone like that.

And then, okay, so we get a quick montage of his muscles degenerating, he sees Carmen and she can't come right out and say, wow, I'm glad we didn't get married now though. So she doesn't know. They have this very touching moment where it's like, oh, if only we'd been married or whatever blah, blah, blah. And she cries and he wipes her tear away, but his hands are crabby claws now. So there's this this moment that the movie wants me to take very seriously where he like

clubs at her face. You see her just like kind of like punching each time. It would be better. It's not just how I knuckle. I did. I know your hands work in real life. You're committing to this too much. Just softer.

Too hard. So, but even though, even though he's degenerating and in a fat suit, he's still doing his priestly duty. So now we get Stu and Nark Priest going to a prison to minister to the sinful or whatever. And Nark Priest doesn't know how to talk to cons at all, but Stu sure does. Stu does, because let's all agree. The first and best thing you can say to a room full of convicted prisoners is your wife is probably fucking someone else right now.

Well, and of course, in this stupid movie, everybody's like, wait, he just said fucking, maybe we should hear this guy out. He speaks like us. Maybe one can buy indulgences from the papal core if they've been approved up at the month's senior level. If that's by the way, chance. Yeah, but and his message here to the cons, by the way, is that nobody gives a fuck about you, except for an imaginary guy that somebody made

up to oppress your ancestors. How's that make you feel better? And they're like, yeah, better. No, much better. No, I appreciate it. It's just awesome of you to come and do this, but there's some bad news that comes with this, right? Because the next scene is where he gets called into the month senior's office to be told that he can't be a priest. Because he's gonna drop the magic crackers. Right, yeah, they're like, you would probably fucking up dude, like honestly.

So, first of all, could you imagine any other job doing this? Right, exactly. Like virtually, even if you had a job where like you would be physically incapable of doing your job anymore, they would probably be like, hey, look, we found like a lighter position that you can do until you don't feel like working anymore. But of course they can't not make the Catholic Church evil in a movie, right?

Because they're the Catholic Church and so they're like, yeah, we think we would make us look bad. Yes. And by the way, the job is nothing. Yep. Right. There's absolutely nothing about like, and the priest has to hold the crackers the whole time in a hand that works. Nope. He can have a cracker holder. Yeah. Right. But in the movie's head, a degenerative muscle disease is like, okay, well, Nets tweak your left arm falls off. That's when that happens. And then you lose your entire leg after that.

And like, that's how that's the timeline of this thing. So they're like, yeah, it's, it's going to be really bad in like three weeks. So you can't do it. But let's be honest here, right? To the extent that this is a true story, what probably is happening here is that they're like, Hey, look, man, if our priests are like dying of these terrible conditions, it really highlights that we're full of shit.

Right. Right, and that our God doesn't exist or care about anyone, and that's why they wouldn't want him as a priest. Right, a priest who is wasting away from a muscle disorder is a punchline, not a fucking inspiration. I don't know if it's a punchline, but yeah. So, okay.

So Stu goes back to the church to yell at God some more. This is where he ends up actually crawling on his hands and knees towards the Virgin Mary statue, just like Carmen's dad talked about earlier. Oh, right. Right, it was way too proud of that. And then Mel Gibson gets a call from Ham saying,, Hey, man, can you come get your kid? He's lying on the floor of our church and he won't leave.

His left calf exploded just now. He's kind of stuck there. So we're not sure when the right calf's going to go. So nobody else wants to walk up to him. Yeah. We've all got on those things from the Gallagher show just in case. But that's real wood. Those pews are made out of. up to him. Yeah. We've all got on those things from the Gallagher show just in case. That's real wood. Those pews are made out of it. So Mel shows up to get him. He just sprawled

out the on the floor using the a step as a pillow. And he's like, you have to get up and he's like, I'm not going to get up. He's like, you know, you have to, he's like, I literally physically can't though. Somebody would have to put me back into my wheelchair at this point. And then I feel like they were hoping someone would write an inspiring end to this scene, but no one did. Literally Mel Gibson's just like, these pews are nice. He actually says that.

He does. He's like, no, it's a flush and plum. You measure twice, cut once. I do like the aggressiveness on these. That's my hobby. But the whole thing was like, okay, you's a flush and plum. You measure twice, cut once. I do like the aggressorship on these. That's my hobby. But the whole thing was like, okay, you don't lose for getting knocked out. You lose when you don't get back up.

And then that's the end of the scene is just, Mark and Mark being like, I lose then because of this. I'm physically incapable of getting back out of those. ALS, but not that. So, this is just getting darker and darker. What happens at the end of this? Yeah. And and and then we watch Stu try to take a shit for a while. Cool. That's how you ramp it down. Cool. He banter with his dad while he takes a shit. It's

like, Hey, it takes you too long to take a shit because your body's breaking down. He's like, Yeah, well, your father's like a really prominent Holocaust tonight. One of the most famous Holocaust deniers in the world. All right. And you're so tied. Fine. Tie. You want to do karaoke while we do this? Exactly.

So yeah, so we get a whole, like a whole scene, I'm trying to take a shit. And then now dad is taking stew to church, right? Dad doesn't know how to tie a tie either. Huh? So, but, but they, they are driving them to church, right? Dad doesn't know how to tie a tie either. Huh? So, but they are driving him to church, but damn it, if the truck doesn't break down and they have to wheelchair the whole rest of the way. Oh, why was this necessary?

I don't know, cause the movie got on so long at this point. It's just, just have him show up. Look at that. Look at that, just start the scene, man. Why are you doing this? Nothing happens here. Yeah. It was so that we could get some more great back and forth banter between him and his dad like, fuck you. No fuck you. Right. In the chair. Yeah. So yeah. So they get

to the church and all the named characters are there from the whole movie. Okay. So when did you think they were giving him a surprise, like death wedding to Carmen when this happened? Yes. That is in my fucking nose. Carmen's there. She's dressed in white. Right. And I'm like, oh, is he getting, is this a surprise wedding?

And no, it's not. Is that a thing? Do people do surprise death weddings? Like, are you about to die? Let's get a wedding in there. I don't think that they do. I feel like Eli's planning this for Eli. You have to be honest. I am, you're about to die. Let's get a wedding in there. I, I'd get it in there. Don't think that they do. I feel like Eli's planning this for Eli. You have to be honest.

I am. I am. You're setting this up. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he actually has asked me to set it up. It's very unlikely that he'll still be there. Wait till you see who I have you marrying. It's a pretty good goof.

I got you. I got you good. So, but no, he's not having a surprise wedding. He's having a surprise ordination. Surprise. It turns out that they're gonna He's having a surprise ordination. Surprise. It turns out that they're gonna make him a real priest after all. Yeah.

And to show how much they believe in him, they lay him out on the floor like a fucking runner. Okay, so that I guess that actually is part of the ordination process. They have to lay on the floor and put your hand on the ground or whatever. And I'm like, oh yeah, he nails this. I don't know why you guys didn't think he'd be good

at being a priest so far. He's crushing it. Oh man, he's amazing. And then we flash back to earlier in the movie, the fucking singing fat lady of Christian cinema there. Mm-hmm. And then he's gonna give a genuine sermon as a genuine priest.

And he's so good at it that he even gets through the melstone cold heart. Okay, I wanna take a moment to acknowledge that like they do actually repeat the real Catholic doctrine of suffering here, which is fucking horrifying. Yep, and like look, we're used to horrifying messages in the movies review, but like to sit there

and watch Marky Mark be like, no, sorry, let me explain, my suffering with this degenerative muscle disease is literally the suffering of Jesus Christ, because Jesus Christ felt all suffering on the cross. So this is me being closer to Jesus and is a good thing. That's why Mother Teresa didn't give all of those children pain medication. We're the good guy. Yeah. Okay. That sure is. That's why when my mom went to Catholic churches as a kid, she wasn't allowed to scratch itches because she was supposed to offer up that pain to stop it to the people.

Yes, yeah, if she got caught scratching an itch, she'd get in trouble. Because Jesus itched on the cross for our sins. Yes, yeah. What the fuck? Itched for us all. He felt every itch.ch must have been very annoying. Okay, he's exactly where's the one point where God gave me the scenic route to die, right? Is that what he said? Yep. So the idea is that like the ALS or whatever he has is like a final

destination scenario. So like he was supposed to die in the car accident the motorcycle accident and then like God was like all right well i'm gonna teach you a lesson and eventually what would the movie even be about if you died at this point i guess yeah yeah yeah where's that final destination movie where everyone's just getting like a lm cancer yeah right you can't run from that shit find an alumpenin' their boob. Man, emphysema. Final Dense thing. Emphysema was a really slow movie. It was really slow. And also, so this is just a weakness in Christian mythology, right? Because every story has to end with, but then a mentally ill carpenter got tortured to death.

And that kind of puts a hard cap on how good your stories can be, right? Yeah. He had to end there. So we get his little sermon, then he enters into an assisted living facility. We watch Mel Gibson stare sadly with flags waving behind him. So that's the fucking Mel Gibson fat lady singing, right? Mm-hmm. And then we get we find out that everyone in town comes to this hospice to see father still. He's so popular. Which I feel like would be weird, right? Like it's an adult assisted living facility and they're like, Oh, hi, who are you here to visit? And it's like, I'm here to confess to a priest who's dying here.

Yeah, right. No, I do mind setting up two folding tables so that I can do perfect confession with him. Yeah, and so then we we get of course, Nark Priest comes to confess to stew and and explain that he really had a personality this whole time and even a character arc if you think about it. I'm going to put this on my IMDB page and everything. Okay, get out of the movie. Yep. Yeah, but he tells this whole story about how,

you know, his whole life, his dad wanted to be a priest and he didn't want to be a priest and he sure is jealous of that degenerative muscle condition that father stew got because if he got one of those, he wouldn't have to be a priest. And I'm like, what are you trying to sell us on here guys? I don't. I get it, but I don't know why. Also, whose dad grows up wanting them to be a priest?

Like, pastor, I can understand, but like, who's like, God, I hope my kid never flux. The fine must end here. I feel like it's actually good amount of death. And still clinging to life like a fucking cockroach, this movie keeps going. Right. Look, that is the place to end.

It still gives him the little St. necklace that Carmen gave him. And it's just like, all right, now we can end. But no, God damn it. Mel Gibson wanted to be in the last scene. Yeah. No, it's a, this is classic storytelling. You did the hospice scene, but then you do a wedding or alcoholics anonymous. One of the guys. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, so yeah, Mel was going to an AA meeting and he explains that he was a bad dad, but now he's Catholic, so that doesn't matter. Another thing I'm surprised to see them admitting too. Right, just be a massive piece of shit and say you're sorry, the hour religion, but it's not the fucking end because then we have to watch Mel go home,

and we found out that Mel and Mom are back together. I'm like, oh, good, the verbally and psychologically abusive husband is back with her. That's a happy ending. Fun, good. This was redemption for the movie, right? They were saying that like, yeah, all right, well, it's too late for Mel Gibson to be a good dad,

but he's gonna go have sex with his ex-wife who he was probably horribly abusive to the entire time. And now now he's redeemed himself. Yes. Yep. I think that's the point of the movie. Well, I mean, they're dancing in the kitchen, so it must be true in a biting love this time. Yeah.

Abusive couples are never unhappy. No. And then we get this movie's breakfast club close, right? Where it goes like, and then stewed. It died breakfast club close, right? Where it goes like and then stewed What it died. I mean he died he did die. He did he did right after this of that disease. Yeah God gave him God it this it went downhill so but it started as the story of a boxer That's Ended with like you know winning at, usually or losing at boxing in an

important way. No, it went from boxing or tying in boxing, but with the greatest boxing movie, there's a bunch at the same time. Exactly. But it's like, no, ALS slow death, trouble shitting full death at the end. You want to watch some home movies of the real guy? He was fat. So it explains the fat suit. Oh, even the guy even the interview with the real guy you're like, wow, this this dude just really had nothing interesting to say at all right. It was like if if Dave Warlock had decided to lie instead of the thing he's doing now. That's not super interesting. So but like seriously, okay, so what was the moral of this story?

Catholic church, now accepting applications. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. No idea. No, nothing. They really should have ended with a zipper cruder, Adya. Ha ha ha ha. All right, well let's say that's gonna do it for our review of Father Stupid.

That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to earn a paycheck next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, when Donald Trump holds a pity party showing a documentary about how he did two win the election at Mar-a-Lago, you know we're going to end up watching it. So we'll be checking out rigged the Zuckerberg funded plot to defeat Donald Trump. Oh, that's lucky. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up so 349 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to have yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash god

off. And thereby order an access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show, be sure to check out our sibling shows to skate the ADS citation D&D minus and the skeptic I available wherever podcast live if you have questions comments or suggestions you need my god-of-movies and gmail dot com Legal surfaces for this podcast provided by the law of this is a PN retort us Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme So goes written and performed by Ryan slot and people drafts on Mars all of the music was written and performed by our audience and our Modern Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right in Eli Bosnia. I'm no illusions, promise it'll work hard

or earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. No Gibson, continued evolving into the mascot for a segregated vodka company. That's what he looks like now. Statistically speaking, at least two of the characters in this movie raped children. Yeah.

Markey Mark has told several press outlets that he'll only be making religious films moving forward. In unrelated news, Eli has two wishes left. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2022, all rights reserved. 2022, all rights reserved.