God Awful Movies - 35: GAM035 Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire

Episode Date: April 19, 2016

This week, we're joined once again by special guest masochist Thomas Smith of Atheistically Speaking and Thomas and the Bible for an atheist review of Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire.  Part 1 went something like this: "In a pre-post-apocalyptic world, one humble karate ninja sets out to sell bulletproof vests door to door because he's an idiot.  But when he accidentally karate ninjas the wrong biker gang, nothing happens, but they suggest something will in the sequel."  Well we checked the sequel, and it doesn't.  Nothing happens.  And this is our review of the nothing happening.  --- For more Thomas in your life, check out the following links: Thomas and the Bible Comedy Shoeshine Atheistically Speaking --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailués sin parque sur. Yeah, this girl is aggressive too. I mean like men's rights matter. Don't say it or not. Yeah, this is, if you had sex with this girl, you don't come and you're like, yeah, okay, that's good. No, I'm good. Look at this.

We're done now. This was fun. No, no, I came. I came. I'm going to destroy it. I'm going to destroy it. God awful. Movie. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because FUCK O'S! I'm your host, Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath, welcome back!

Thank you, sir, and a quick announcement before we start. Um... I've agreed to speak with James Lindsay on Twitter. This is my good friend Heath and right Heath, welcome back. Thank you, sir. And a quick announcement before we start. I've agreed to speak with James Lindsay on Twitter. He can't tweet directly at me. That's the rule, but I decided to allow it dialogue. Okay, all right. Well, that's good of you. No, it's good of you.

Oh, man. Lot of inside joke there. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, so good of you to rejoin us. I've allowed Keith to speak to James The whole just keeps getting deeper and Sitting seven stays to my left is prolific pod gastro and our first ever returning guest massacres Thomas Smith Thomas

I can't believe you came back for seconds I'm a boxer slow Clap right there. Well to answer your question from last week. I know I don't think I will watch parts two and three I don't know I just I don't know not that so I have to ask you guys I've so now this is my second one I've watched is it normal? I got severe genital itching my I got rashes I got I mean do you guys have all this my backs hurting like pieces of skin are just falling off of me Yeah, I already had all the things you're Shungs of hair coming out is that you have all that you've been living with that was already happening so yeah This is this is all pre-podcasting, but yes, I have all of those. Oh, I thought it was just from watching two of these pieces

Shit movies because I really I've been meaning to go to my doctor that the symptoms are just insane he'll be like oh you watch you watch some puriflicks in you yeah I get this all the time you have aides I have to say and I don't need to downplay that's what you would say where do you go from the aides joke I don't want I don't want to downplay what you've been through Thomas But I feel confident in saying these may be the two most entertaining movies we've ever watched for this show Oh, man, I can only imagine what do you guys have some super body armor that you wear when you I don't understand Are you surviving when you're when you're already used to the genital itching and the skin flaking? It's not as bad. I'm sure my question for you is though Why are we recording another episode

for this when we could just take jokes from the last one stretch him out? Do like a nine minute previously in the last episode? Yeah, I remember that first podcast. I know, I'm just throwing the first episode. So you guys want to get tacos? Let's get some tacos. Let's do it. Well, so I feel bad because I already asked Heath to prepare all this shit and we already have kind of spilled the beans. So I have to say it anyway, Heath, tell us what will we be breaking down to that? Alright, we watched Revelation Road 2, the Sea of Glass and Fire. And, and, and the internet did not want me to watch this movie. Yeah, and I feel like this was a kind of a bullshit subtitle because it's actually more like a a creek a broken

window and some sparks but whatever. So this is the second leg of a trilogy that continues telling the story that did not happen in part one from last week so uh... yeah this was nothing happened to the middle part of the script haha very exciting and Eli how bad was this movie well if you thought to yourself man when david our white mom left him alone and he got his hands on the born identity did he also get his hands on season one of homeland the answer is yes yes he he did. Because in this he's gonna cover his face and according to David R. White and this is his Twitter not mine,

that makes me an A-Rap. What the fuck is he saying? Not actually his Twitter, but where's my citation needed? That's a prize, right? We're not like, oh look if that was, we wouldn't be like, oh my gosh, no way David or what? Okay, his YouTube channel is called the white path. Come on No, I have to say though I am quite relieved by the conversation we've had up to this point because I was convinced that like Like large chunks were missing out of my copy like and it would like when you only have the the trial version of Pierflex you don't get the parts of the movie where shit happened but nothing nothing did happen in this movie correct. Oh no I don't have any notes on things happen. Yeah

you were like sitting back remember when it was you were at the arcade and your parents didn't give you any money or maybe this was just me and you would pretend. Yes. You would pretend like you were playing the preview of the game, was that you? And you were like, this is kind of a movie. If I pretend, if I squint, and I like, if I make up parts myself, like you have all these other characters

we don't even know about that you made up. Thomas, that's the saddest short story I've ever heard. I, it just real quick. You'll click throw it out,. I what year were you born? 1986. Yeah, see that's why Eli we all did that back then and my day we used to pretend we was playing video games And we liked and then they invented the quarter and it's sort of just That would buy you the machine. What do you know? Oh, and i should mention

uh... because apparently we didn't last week sting is in this movie and and then like the famous person named sting who's been using that name since the seventies but sting is in the wrestler with a brand-in-leaf fetish how funny is it that uh... for how how that can count is it for us something like that for us

white dudes have no interest in wrestling. It's amazing. We're the only four white dudes around this age. We don't give it none of it. I'm pretty sure none of us give a shit about wrestling. Thomas, that's because we all have all our teeth. Oh, okay. Speak for yourself there, sir. Why did before I started watching these films? There's one person here that will never be making dental hygiene jokes and that's yours truly. Well, we hear it on the mic. It's fine. You sound bold though. Yeah. Well, you know, we spent a whole fucking episode last week waiting for this story to get started and we've already kind of admitted

that it isn't going to start this week. So with the suspense fully deflated, we might as well pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll break down all the flashbacks and failure to move the story in any particular direction that is Revelation Road 2, Sea of Glass and Fire. I got a Facebook message from John this week, urging us to spruce up our Patreon page. He wanted to give, but he pointed out,

we don't have any goals. We don't even thank our patrons by name on this show, like Noah does on Scathing Atheist. And he's right. Now, unfortunately, with 608 patrons at this point it's not like Noah's gonna be able to thank everyone in one long breathless list like he does on scathing. A yeee of little faith. Bridget Philip George Alex Randall James Jordan air in the astounds

Edward Doug Jeffrey Matt Martin Angela Ben Eli Sammy Prescott David Eric I feel like this is gonna take a little while. Yeah, my take a man. You want to get like saw the Nicholas Yeah, I mean what we could just tell everybody about the the new goals and bonuses on the patreon page I guess we got that's time sure so the first one we wanted to tell you about was a new goal and a new bonus After all the positive feedback we got from the exclusive Batman vs Superman episode, we figured out that if we can reach about $1,000 in episode on Patreon, we'll

have time to record an exclusive Patreon only non-Christian movie review every month. We also want to sweeten the pot with a few new bonuses, so we're working with a friend to make the Christian movie Bingo a reality, and once we do, we'll be sending a set to everybody who donates $5 or more per episode so they can play along at home. Some restrictions may apply. See site for details. Do you do the pharmacy commercial thing? Yeah, no, no, no, a set I should do it is legal. Okay, sure, yeah. Finally, you'll notice we've added a ten dollar Patreon goal on the website and while we know that's a ton of money for some of you it's gonna be

worth it. If you sign up for ten bucks on Patreon which is less than a cup of coffee by the way uh uh no it's not. Oh I live in Manhattan. I'm sorry go on. Right, less than a cup of coffee in Manhattan. Now for our one year anniversary we will be doing a live show in New York City of the most godly of god-of-a-moves, the big dog itself, the cause of so many childhood nightmares, the passion of the Christ. Anyway, $10 patrons will not only get VIP seating to that show for free, as well as a swag bag and other cool stuff, but we're going to do a VIP meeting greet before the show, so you can hang out with us and fuck you if you want.

I mean, at this point, sure, yeah. Dude, did you get the video I sent you? Yeah, man, just, the thing is, don't text me the porn. Just email, just email, right? Oh, sorry, because then, yeah, phone, I get it. Still going. You almost has to be done at this point. Yeah, I understand why Lucinda puts up with him now.

I think he breathes through his hair. He will go dunk in Nick Tech, E-Renae Elizabeth Lynn and Simon. Ah, I think you did- What? No. You forgot Gretchen. Fuck! And we're back for the breakdown and this movie's video is gonna open over all the non-shark parts of the planet Earth promo on BBC. For some fucking reason.

With the voiceover from the Lucky charm leprechaun's wife. Yeah. Oh man. My take on that was like, okay, they wanted that same guy, but he was in his refractory period from the last VL. He was like, oh, sorry, I just, I just came from that intro when I was getting so into the, the, the revelation. And so I just, I can't do it. So here's my wife do it, she can do it. My first note was that the VO chick will fuck you if you smell like sage and tell her you have a unique bond with fish. I know this woman.

I've met this woman in a lot of happy gatherings. I just wrote down, I'll buy your green soap. Just start the movie. What are you fucking cares? My favorite thing is like you mentioned with the planet earth, these montages, this is such an insight into Christian filmmaking. They're like, well, she's talking about the world. Will people know what the world is?

Oh, I don't know. We've never put like some of the world. It sure. Well, they remember like, okay, let's put some nature and like, there's people on earth. Literally, iTunes screensavers. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes Literally, yeah, not like oh I to but like literally the shop Brainstorm things are on earth come on oh shit

And I love to I think that's just there to distract us from the message which is all this evil shit will eventually happen unless it doesn't because of Jesus and that'll mean we're right too. Yeah, and my music note for this part was pod safe Atlantis by Donovan. I wrote this woman did not make it past the first auditions for Lord of the Rings. Like the casting director didn't send the tape and he was just like thank you She's like can I play a female door for something come on Absolutely, those are kiddie. Sorry. That's why I mean that joke And now we're gonna get the The first incase you didn't see the first movie scene and there will be many and that's that one's gonna open on Middle-aged blonde lady that's scared of weather everyone in in this movie, in this trilogy, so far, has been

scared of weather. But to be fair, she does appear to live in a haunted Indian burial ground. I just wrote, I wonder if Sydney likes to play games. Exactly the start of screen. So apparently this is Eric Roberts House. That's his wife and sister and everything. So he just gets home from a long day a sheriff and To come in and tell them about the first movie right and see Thomas you were right Eric Roberts does live in a terrifying sex Eric Roberts did he not age like 45 years since part one which came out like three months before this one. I'm feeling he watched the dailies and it was like opening the arc of the covenant a little bit.

The guy appears behind him. You chose poorly. I have a feeling that when the daughter walked into the room that she just ugly up everybody by 45 years. She sure did. The daughter, Eric Roberts' daughter, I wrote in my notes, it's nice that this family adopted a squirrel. Oh, no, that's a star. She's looking up a fucking Wii Avatar buddy, human. She looks like Fortshan put together a GoFundMe to make a power-puff girl fucked all out of me. Damn it, I was going to use that joke.

Yeah, I had that exact wording written down. So then, the thing, if anyone was wondering who the intended audience of this film is, it's the fucking sheriff's sister. Now I don't know if this is because of a personal experience or what, but I think they should win the fucking Academy Award for casting if that exists. I don't think it does, but if it did, they should win that just for this actress.

His stuck up religious sister is exactly perfect for the horrible, horrible religious aunt who everyone has that like her presence just makes you wanna stab yourself in the fucking eye with a crucifix. Every look she gives in every scene is like, oh I'm not judging you at all. I'm not, I'm definitely not judging you. I'm just, I'll be here with my little cross wearing my little cross and just you do, you smoke your cigarette. Oh that's fine. I'm not judging you. Fuck you. God, I want, I hate this woman.

Apparently Aunt Kathy needs a movie too. Yes. Oh God god But this is the movie that says oh, that's the good character like this is right. She's awesome You want to be this woman? Yeah, so and and so like Eric Roberts has had a an eventful day of you know movie one So that's I guess the point of this whole scene is so that he can tell them the story of the last movie. A movie that has last time on this movie at the beginning of it. He's telling this ridiculous story and he's like, yeah, it was crazy. I believe the script of Revelation Road 1 said it. And they wrote the following. He even opens it up with he's like, I'll start at the beginning, which will allow us to fill some shit in with flashback stuff and we won't have to do 90 minutes. Are they pretending like there's anybody watching this who didn't watch part one?

That's right. That's all I wrote. Four of us watching this watch part one of you guys. As hard as this movie is to watch, I mean you have to want to watch this fucking movie. You didn't accidentally happen upon this. This isn't on Netflix. This isn't you can't rent this fucking movie through Amazon for fuck's sake Yeah, this movie was in the same suitcases the day the clown cried

So and they show these flashbacks, but I think the editors instructions were like yeah, just grab any lines from any part in the And of course we have to we have to place this in time. So when he goes to eat his sister, the old lady smacks him one time for not saying grace before. And I guess that so that we know rapture hasn't happened yet. Otherwise, this old lady would be in heaven where she belongs.

And again, we're, we as an audience are supposed to be like good. Yeah, hit people and stop them for eating. Yeah, exactly. You are the hero of this film. And then of course, after he gets done telling the story of part one, bright lights appear out the window and the old lady just immediately starts smiling.

She knows. She knows, she knows Jesus lights. I wrote mine out so, oh, thank God she's getting raptured because she looks like Caitlyn Jenner Christian people must be super disappointed all the time about light sources Just a truck turning you must have his bright son you flip a light on in the room where that woman is She just starts to smile and looks skyward. No, it's Kathy, no. Yeah. And what is it?

Is it part of the process to put your hands on your face? She's like touching her cheeks and like doing all this weird, is that some Jesus-y prep that I don't know about? Yeah, I'm sure it is. They probably tell on that. She looks like her face hugger is gonna burst out of her chest. But sadly instead, she just turns into a power pellet. Yeah, God made her sweat for a second, made her sit down and think,

fuck, I didn't get to look, but then she did. And then we get the credit proper. Right, well, before that happens, I just want to point out, as her soul is flying out of the room, it can't quite find its way out at first. I thought we were going to get a tinkerbell as stuck in the curtain scene where they were like, oh god, get it, get a broom and just get it towards a window. Just get it, get it, get it, Kathy, soul towards a window.

Coming out with a little cop to try to try. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, I thought for a second, it faked me out. I thought she wasn't going to get raptured and then I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome. The lesson is gonna be, don't be a horrible judge, mental, religious bitch, but no, no, she gets racked or cheese the good guy. She's the good guy. Yes, just a quick reminder to the target

audience here that don't worry, you won't have to be here when things get all just random and nothing happening. But there's sort of some smoke in the horizon sort of. So yeah, so we get the credits. And again, I want to point out Sting is in this movie people are really pissed that we didn't know that I got so many fucking like we've had factual errors in the show And shit like that and they don't get anywhere near the kind of response we got for not recognizing sting to be fair We didn't recognize him because a bunch of people weren't screaming at him while he pretended to hit another guy with a chair and a dance fight tended to hit another guy with a chair in a dance fight. Hahaha. Well, did you, did you find out because that one person sent you, him showing his tits on the internet?

Is that how you found out? Don't you have that one person that shows you all the actors? Yeah, yeah, no, no, that person is a saint. Yeah, don't you dare, bad man. You know what, they probably didn't send you it because they got raptured. God was like, that is saintly behavior Of our listeners to go to heaven. It's the one who alleviates each and every one of these movies with titties So now we're gonna rejoin our hero Josh who you'll recall we

Left under siege at deneshtis Suza's hotel and apparently he's spending his time recalling scenes from the born trilogy. Oh really quick by the way this character's name is actually Dinesh the character's name and I always really is nice. It's amazing. Wow. Oh, let's cut to an interstitial so I can jerk off to that for just just four or five hours.

You guys got a minute. Cause it's the only brown guy they know. That's why it's just bad. Cause they all sat around the writers table and they were like, come on guys. Like we know one brown guy. No, Hodgis already been put down. We're not healing Rocky.

Not Baroque either. We don't want to lose Greant Kathy. She was the one who doesn't like Hillary the one I feel like it's cream chisps What's is it sog premiere? Do you feel like they called this actor Denesh even though he's like guys It's not my name. Yeah, that's not all named Denesh guys come on. It's a nickname. It's a nickname. That's your nickname And the last guys come on. It's a nickname.

It's a nickname. That's your nickname. So what we're actually, the action we're getting during this whole, like he's still sitting out there with his rifle, is Josh, David A.R. White in the room, like flashing back to his Jason Born time with the CIA, but it's super low budget. Yes, this is someone locked me in Heath in someone's garage that we didn't know and we're like reenact the scene where Wolverine has flashbacks from X-X-1 In plus than 20 minutes, you're like, okay, this looks like the trap from Ghostbusters Put his eyes on his face

That could be a shot, right? Hey, a scoop is suit, let's put him in a scuba suit What's the case? Is this more in a scuba suit than the other one? Yeah, let's get our team of one scientist and inject it with some gator of darts I guess give him the maximum dose

you're asking me to murder him give him the maximum dose of science thing science juice syringe might as well make a slide whistle noise when you pull back Got superpowers now Roger Rabbit could be the doctor in the scene would look the same I also had an operation the board game. It would look the same You could hear in the background. You could hear them like the repeating echoes of you believe nothing You believe nothing so apparently the CIA had to like Jesus him out or whatever

I was he having a flashback of when he was totally past the fuck out like and not conscious I don't know the same way that Eric Roberts had a flashback to the biker on the other end of a walkie talkie it's not a witness I neither side of that uh... that fight from the waiter with tg i fron that that that

that that and speaking of the biker gang next we move to them and apparently we learn here that the boss can flash back to dammit right yeah back in the day he ran a foundry with Kurt Cameron but the government sees that i guess that must have been

what happened so at this point the director thought what what's subtle way could we maybe show that the boss used to not be even all i know how about a fucking giant crucifix on the white snack as the absolute immediate focus of the flashback that fucking crucifix is so large i'm pretty sure there was an actual dude on it like being

like so big we cannot have a real guy on there otherwise it doesn't just not gonna look right the pope would have looked at that and been like it's a little much and by the way credit to thomas you predicted that when he touched his shirt there would be a crucifix under there. And indeed, this is the first sight we get of what I can only assume top to the basilica at Rome before they use this movie.

Her crucifix is from the Flavon Flav collection. Clearly. And the wife looks like somebody tried to clone Megan Fox, but they didn't try that hard. They weren't really all that into it. Like close enough. It's the White House science fair of. I'm just here to meet Barack Obama. Okay.

She looks kind of. So it's got of a jyna. And so they have to show that he was like good, but he was still bad ass. So they show him smashing his engagement ring for her out of a rock? What the fuck was that you got it from mortar What was that anyone have any idea what that was um? No He does however give it to he smashes open a rock. It's inside. I think we're supposed to assume he forged it that that was a mold

He poured in and he smashes open. Oh, gotcha. Okay. I'm presented you were by saying I want you to be my queen Yeah, and meanwhile Andrea Logan White is over here And I guess we're now officially announcing that she's the daughter of these two people that are getting engaged when she's like 31 Everyone is equal ages, but that's fine. I've got a music note for this scene. It was, oh, were you guys listening this? I was just doodling some chords. I didn't realize I'm only. Okay. Okay. I was just listening. I really my first time with Mario music. I'm not really that good yet. And thus end with the flashback so that we can learn that they're gonna keep riding until it's done that's an actual line we're gonna keep riding until it's

done and I wrote in my notes not the Eli Bosnick story until I'm done and is they drive away he turns to the guy and he goes shoot anyone that can't keep up yeah can't keep up they're on. It's not the trail of fucking tear Shit guys, I only have a quarter tank. Please don't shoot me if it's not that was the most evil Mick bad guy thing to say ever At this point the buzz is wearing spike earrings they might as well be horseshoe magnets they're ridiculous and then so with them we go back to uh... uh... david air white trying to see like people are trying to sneak around crazy dinesh to soos as he falls asleep but he's not having that i guess just ignore the

gun in the sleeping man's lap who's holding you hostage and hit him in the face with any object or just leave also by the way he doesn't have like a manual credit card swiper or like a pen and paper I had just right now. I was good. Nothing nothing. Oh, apparently. Oh my God. Most improbable plot device Every single business does the does the phone line never go out there and bum fuck wherever you are Of course you would have a card Imprint thingy to keep someone's information like your power's never gone out Yeah, he's like I'm gonna keep you here until you all grow some money or like make some is that just what he does every time the power goes out

Yeah, it's kind of weird and especially now it's isn't especially weird plot vehicles since the way they eventually get David a our white out of this is that he just gets in his car and leaves yet Well wait first David our white because it's like if there's the there's a moment where this couple tries to leave and he's like No, no, I will shoot you with this hunting rifle with the scope on it. And then David R. White walks out in a teal woman's blouse and tries to look badass immediately. The first time we see the teal blouse is well he's trying to look badass. Yes. That is something you buy for an aunt in a catalog who you dislike. Just shy of the poofy shirt.

Yes. Blouses everything. Also, weird coincidence, he drives a Buick Skylark from the 60s and he's wearing like a mint green metallic shirt. Oh no, shit. And he skips out because he doesn't have positraction. Clearly, clearly. Nice.

But before he can skit out, he has to like convince Denesh not to shoot anybody and he does it by By talking about the importance of family That's like literally the way he heroes is way out of this situation as to remind Denesh that you know family matter It's literally it's just that scene from American dad where he's like don't you do it? Don't you get in that car? Don't you start that car? Don't you drive away? And Dan Dinesh just is the whole time.

Like, you think I won't murder a man over $49.99? You're gonna in the car. Yes. And she does this actress jumps in his car as though she's saying like, okay, I'm pretty sure he didn't just see me get in the passenger seat. If I don't move the T-Rex can't sit in the fucking case. She never makes eye contact never says anything She just gets in there and just like looks straight ahead like Do you see me? She gets in the car the way I go up for a fourth time to the buffet

Don't take a jacket off. I know just take the chicken wings and go sir So yeah, this is Bill's wife by the way from the first movie her husband got raptured, but she didn't So yeah, so then they jump in the car and they start driving around and this is the like the low budget We can't really afford to fuck this car up Version of a chasing so he's like you see him in the car and he's going hold on But then you see the car and it's not even like, swirving or anything. Great. And just, I would point out, we all have the same note, which is, you are being chased

by motorcycles in a car. The solution to this problem is breaks. Yes. It's that easy. Fly right over you car. I have a Toyota. I have never been afraid of a motorcycle and if you're thinking, hey, will this got to ultimate absurdity in a motorcycle versus car game of chicken later in the movie? You're down right. Oh, teaser, baby, teaser. Hit the brakes and knock over the people on the motorized bicycles. Yeah, that was ton of fucking trick, but no, he has to outrun them, at least until he comes across the cops with their town closed sign. Yeah, a giant town, like without the banner, are people gonna ram the police barricade? What?

They need to know why the police are there? And the cop, by the way, is Jim Dugan from the mask. I mean, it's not really Jim Dugan from the mask. I mean it's not really Jim Dugan from the mask but it looks all fucking a lot like him. Oh see I had young Ben Stein the cop is about intimidating. He's about as intimidating as Ben Stein. Like this guy could not be less intimidating. It's fucking hilarious. It's the greatest thing. He's acting like the biggest like he's your friend's dad trying to act like a badass It's so right. Yeah, exactly and of course he stops the motorcyclist, but they let

David A.R. White through and they so they can so that they can have a that boy belongs to me Standoff between the two of them on either side of the cop cars also. This is just a tiny tiny moment But it's really fantastic. When they pan over to the bikers, before they're about to have their screaming at the police with guns, conversation, one of them is wearing one of those fake pseudoscience.

You can work out with less oxygen to get stronger masks. And we're really, I think that's my way of equipment. Yeah, there's a full like 30 second shot of this guy And he's very clearly wearing one of those like if you reduce the oxygen to your brain you can live more than man Someone brought that from home and they were like this looks cool, right? And they were like fuck yeah man man. That's what biker's where yeah, yeah Exactly, but of course according to the boss this ain't over and it would have been nice if it had been but it wasn't he was right uh... apparently we've got a whole goddam movie to go

and he he lets out a primal screams at the police with rifles like you gotta love the white privilege here and also shoot the black biker. Yeah. The black biker was like turned around, not even like paying attention to the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, he starts to draw his gun. It's illegal to sort of draw a gun on cops too. You can't sort of do that, right? Yeah, there was a lot of primal grunting from the boss.

I think, like I said earlier, maybe someone just forgot to write half his script or they just maybe they lost half his script I'm like, oh, does it matter like just just do stuff. Yeah, whatever just grunt here this movie has the greatest primal Scream in the history of time in the middle of the greatest scene in the history of time I so love there yet no, we're not, but oh my god, I just, I watched this scene like 11 times, like dragging in strangers off the street saying, oh my god, you've got to see this. It's so good. Anyway, but yes, we're not there or we're not there. So then we get a little time with Bill's wife before she completely disappears from this

script. The fuck was she doing? And oh, of of course now she has to flashback this minor character that's gonna be in the movie for eight minutes gets a goddamn flashback to the last movie again who the fuck is watching this one that didn't see the first movie right and she describes remember when she got electric shock and we thought it was funny because of how stupid that is god's exception to turn everyone into an electric fence right

before the rapture. It turns out that electric shock was made of endless love. I've been there. I remember a time before drugs. Now you choke me. Yeah, she even says like, but it didn't hurt. So why did you recoil in absolute agony in movie one? Was it because you hadn't written the script for movie two? Well, what is it? Or you just didn't keep track, maybe. I'm thinking it may have been that. Anyway, so yeah, but I'm thinking as she's saying, like, it was Jesus, he was right.

He said, you have to accept him in your heart and blah, blah, blah. I'm thinking to myself, all right, I'm not getting any ass. I should have, I should have just left her at the hotel. Shit. I knew Bill was out of the picture, I knew she liked white meat but, this is what I mean. This is what I mean.

Yeah he's like trying to be subtle like wow you know in this post-apocalyptic world, gas sure is expensive. Oh. Got any. God what's that thing that the bikers have on the back of their bikes? It's like gas What's that thing?

Do you remember Jennifer Lopez after the scene when she gets beat up by her husband? She looks like beat up Jennifer Lopez like yes I listen I'm sure a lot of our listeners like me and they've paused that scene and Rewatched it over and over again. And so I really feel like I've internalized that. Ah, shit. So that we move back over to the boss and apparently he wants to, this is so good.

He wants to form a perimeter around town with one person on every, I'm like, how many fucking roads could there be out of this little shit hole town There can't possibly be four highways leading out of this place But you need a guy on every fucking exit Which leads to a fight with sting yes Who at this point I still didn't know with sting so he was good universe Tony Robbins But I do need to point out he has a necklace made of and someone tweeted to this at me and I was like full of shit No, it's true. He has a necklace made of soda can tabs and alligator But of course before we can get to the fight proper where I guess they're gonna fight over who gets the hammer I I guess

We have to get another flashback and I honestly couldn't tell if this was supposed to be Andrea Logan White's flashback or Sting's flashback. Well, the boss, it could have been any of it. It's like a group flashback. I think just all got together. Yes, remember that time. Everyone except for Sting. Right, so it's a state of their guys.

Guys. What are we going to fight over the speaking stick? But yeah, so this is where we learn that apparently they used to be a Christian viker gang that only did good viker gang stuff. You know all the legitimate business you use viker gangs for? Yes, why?

It's that I have the same note. We're only gonna do legitimate outlaw viker gang business now. Okay, legitimate. Guys, this is the classic tale of your totally legitimate Christian biker gang turned into evil demonic outlaw biker gang. The system failed them really. I mean, it's just a time, it's clearly.

Or if brothers now we're gonna do some trust falls, this could not be a less convincing, anything. We've've gone legit we sell food buckets for the end time yeah Incorporating motorcycles incorporating motorcycles if anybody asks we'll sell amway No, you might say brother that you could never get a stain of grease this But hey facial tattoo guy come over here. It's broken. So yeah, two natures way of telling you, I'm a rapist. Well, it were if you ask Bill O'Reilly natures way of telling you, I'm black, but that's a whole different story.

So yeah, what we're learning here is that again, I guess reinforcing the fact that the boss's wife had him all straightened out with Jesus and then the flashback ends so that they can have a hug fight. And literally they start off with a hug fight. Before we end the flashback, we should point out that Andrea Loganberry, white power. Oh yeah, yeah, my bad. I jumped way ahead. She she has brought An alphidol in a duet wrecked It appears and he wants to join the biker gang and basically he says do you vouch for this man? And she's like I do he's gonna betray and kill mom and he's like sure is

Yes, will you betray us? Yes. Wait, is this later in the movie or earlier? Have I done that? We're also. Also, and I look, there's nothing wrong with having a list or an affectation in your voice, but maybe this character shouldn't have the single gays voice I have ever heard in my the biker boyfriend of hers is basically like, oh yeah,

I'm ready to join the gang, honey. I'm ready to rumble. Once again, it's the assless chaps problem. They don't know the difference. Like gay people are scary to them, bikers are scary to them, it's all the same shit. This guy's great, he already had a pair. I was gonna say, the casting call was like, does anyone have any of these assless chefs, they look so bad, oh yeah, we all got them, and there's just a bunch of gay people.

You're in, yeah, yeah, okay, so then we get this phenomenally stupid fight between the Baws and STING. And apparently you just have to touch the hammer to become the leader of the gang. That's the rules. I just put it down, you have to touch it. And I felt like it should have been more like quick moves than like a goat fight, but they goat fight.

Right. We got a goat fight. Also, fun fact, if you turn off the screen at this point, you can jerk off to this kind of part of the movie. I can jerk off to anything. I didn't say, I don't need to turn off the screen at this point, you can jerk off to this kind of part of the movie. I think you can jerk off to anything. I don't need to turn off the screen. This is much more of my patented fighting technique, which is, okay, you get to be winning, okay, now my turn to win.

And then he finishes, the boss finishes the fight with a street fighter fucking punch sound that you may have even had like a a a a that knocks a probably 350 pound man up into the air and here despite he's punching down into a creek and then sting has like not a mark on his face. So you've, you've got a 2000-pound man in the air with your fist and it's like, oh man, that kinda hurt. Yeah, crazy billionaire money. I remake this movie so that the final punch of the fight is actually the boss doing Shun Lee's helicopter kick. Like in the outfit too.

I would pay billions for that. Yeah, so what he wants, so he gets to keep the hammer. Um, and I guess, I guess this was just a fight to whoever got like knocked in the creek first, but sting was not aware of that. Yeah, creek is out. Creek's out. Yeah, exactly. Fikers, listen up. Listen up.

Creek is out. No, because I, my necklace, which I got, gives me lava powers. So I'm not, I'm not dead. I'm not dead. Okay, see the, hold on, hold on. The, okay, the boundaries are the Creeke and the garbage cans over there. I'm gonna put my shoe. I'm gonna put my shoe over here. Oh my dad said we can't touch the garbage. No, you, okay, you can touch them, but you can't go, you can't go past them. Yeah, that's the thing That's pretty much it but again sting was unclear on the rule so he got up so boss shot him to death For growling after it

There was a creek time out in a growl you got shot This is something that happens so often in this movie where someone's like hmm How should I sneak up on this guy? Oh, I know movie where someone's like, hmm, how should I sneak up on this guy? Oh, I know. They turn around and get him. Like, what is what reality do you live in where that's the good way to sneak up on someone to yell at them? Like charge. Yeah. Like take a cue from the old lady in the first scene. I mean, she was great at this shit. You didn't hear her screaming. But after he shoots him, everyone in the group looks appalled that there would be a murder. Yeah. They're all they all look terrified.

There could be someone murdered on this podcast with less surprise here than this horrible post-apocalyptic Parker. He just gave the order to shoot anyone who lags slightly there. Yeah, right. They like they already killed one biker who was like, dude, I just have to piss. No, I just have to piss. No, you're dead. Should have gone in the fucking pants. So now we get back to Josh who is pulling up at the sheriff's station, trying to get rid of Bill's wife.

Now it's none of this clear that he's not getting any ass from her. And I think this is just so that we can milk a little bit more Eric Roberts contract out of this movie. Yeah. And apparently everyone in this town believed in Jesus except for the police. None of the cops. Well, but he says there's like 22 people missing. I'm like, wow, that was a sinful fucking town yet going there. Yeah, and one of them's like, well, I don't get it. I'm a Christian, but I'm still here.

Okay, I have one child porn video. But what? He's not, he's not going to let me, not let me into heaven from one child porn video. Come on, He's not he's not gonna let me not let me into heaven from one child porn video. Come on man, I'm a Christian. But as we learn from Bill's wife as she walks by, it's not about how many child porn videos you have. It's about whether you said the right magic for goodness Jesus. Where he came. Oh, I was okay. I like he's better, but I don't want to say why. And of course, this is where we have to meet Beth again, the teenager, full grown, grown-up teenager from the first movie, who just rushes into this scene and starts grinding against

David A.R. White's hip and continues to do so for the remainder of the scene. Yeah, this girl is aggressive too. I mean, like, men's rights matter. Don't say it enough. Yeah, this is, if you had sex with this girl, you don't come and you're like, yeah, okay, that's good. No, I'm good. We're done now.

This was fun. No, no, I came. I came to Hawaii. I'm in the Florida, I'm good. I came. I can't. I know. I'm I'm sure I know this was I too. So yeah, so and and of course, she's here to remind everybody that it was definitely God that did this and took him up to heaven because she met. It's always Jesus in Philadelphia in the last movie. And and and David A. Airway goes, God, you

mean like the Bible. What do they call it? The rapture. Those are both actual lines from this movie. You mean like the Bible? What do they call it the rapture? Those are both actual lines from this movie. You mean like the Bible and what do they call it dot dot dot the rapture? Right I wrote my notes. I remember him. He's the boy becomes a wizard Hagrid Yeah, that's the thing for people who aren't Christians is like, oh, what's the the bit bib-biblu? Biblu? Biblu? Biblu? Biblu?

This book says library. But of course, now they want David Ayer White to stick around because he's such a ninja badass, but he has to go home because his family needs him. But damn it, it's too dangerous out out there So the cop just hands him a gun He just says here. Well, you'll need this out there and hands him a fucking loaded gun Here murder people with this if you have to it's mine here have my gun. I'm a cop What is the power it come back on two days late? I'm a cop. What is the power it come back on two days later?

I just made your power outage. And two days later the power came on and everyone came back and they were like, yeah, man, we're playing this big game of hide and seek and he was like, fuck, I gave some guy my gun. Yeah, right, right. He's like, oh, there's like, he's a murderer. Yeah, he's a triple murderer.

We don't know anything about his past or criminal record, you know, so I gave him a gun What yeah here take my gun. I'm pretty sure now. I'm pretty sure I can I don't want to look in the book the books on the shelf top shelf Sheriff is like king of the cops, right? I just get to make do whatever rules. I want that's how it works I can't believe he didn't deputize him in this scene. I can't believe they missed that. Okay. I can't believe when the gunfire It didn't come out with a little flag that said it was nice to fuck Angelina Jolie and it's not nice enough

Well, you just spoiled that for everybody who thought that was gonna happen, but yeah, that's fine I guess um, so now as if it wasn't insane enough that the cop just handed him a gun because it's too dangerous to go alone the teenage girl says no i'm gonna go with you this is my favorite thing in maybe this whole movie i'd sorry if i don't want to skip ahead for the plot but yeah she says i'm going with you he says no under no circumstances there's no chance i'm taking you with me and then she has his key she stole them and it's just like what can you do oh yeah that's the lot the cops like oh there's not I'm sorry I'm that's the

lot she has your keys she goes in front of the car what world is this stole your watch now you have to put your wrist inside of me perfect I get you. It's got a road trip. Perfect. I'm 16. Deal Heath's watch. Sorry guys. But that knows for a different thing.

Now that he has a sidekick, I guess he can leave, so he does. And oh, if you recall, he was a door-to-door bulletproof vest salesman in the first movie. So he gives her a bulletproof vest too Well, this is fucking amazing because he goes yeah, he goes here take this bulletproof vest And she's like I don't want to know And he's like it'll save your life and she's like it won't save my life There's literally a moment where she has no it won't and he's like what and she's like sorry for shadowing Also, and I can't believe honestly that I have a point of this out already and this is a brand new one for me

I've never watched a movie where I felt like I needed to make fun of the stereo mixing Like was this just did anybody else? Did you guys all know I did on this and headphones? I'm like so like when the like when somebody's calling from outside of the room the voice will be completely in the right head phone Even if this fucking scene is switching from two characters or whatever when a car drives up. It's all right All right, all right all left all left all left. Yeah, totally. I did it in headphones too And it's like stuff it made no sense it was it was trippy the car would go from the left to the right for no reason I already Thomas watched this on his iPhone and his government job.

I cannot, I, strike that for him. Actually, he's got a Muslim name. Just get him. Get him. All right. Is that a ghost buster's box? I have a music note for around this time,

by the way, it's, oh, hey, guys, I finally remembered one of the riffs from my high school fan. Okay. Oh, I think it was this, man. Oh, oh those were the days got it I wish I could go back this this music should have had a no wait in it somewhere no way my music note for this scene is someone's boyfriend wants to play his bands EP for every one of the parties yes same similar note that's a similar note. I wrote EA Sports Start Menu from 2005.

No, that's awesome. Strokes all head strokes. And of course, okay, so an enormous amount of this movie is going to be devoted to them like driving through the rapture, except further in a desert, so it's just a desert. Right, I wrote, man, the sh shit whole parts of the country are kind of just still shit all the i don't like there's nothing to be burned out or anything not only that

there's an extraordinary amount of contrails in the air like what has been clearly flying around all fucking day it's everywhere there's like non-stop ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to remind us that this is a apocalypsey, we see things like looters will be killed bed sheet signs in the same handwriting as the town closed signs. Actually, I think, then we see that same town closed sign about three different times too. Based on where they're driving through, I have a feeling that the looters will be killed sign

was there way before the rapture. Yeah, right. They just drove by that while they were filming it, and said, hey, we should get a shot of that, y'all. That looks apocalyptic. Veldosta, George. And then we get more trying to hit feature length driving scenes.

And this is the part where they come across the looters and then drive by them. Yeah, and I wrote in my notes, does David our white just stop by the road whenever anything happens? Yeah. I see him for a deleter from this movie like, oh, you see that squirrel? He didn't not have a jet. Just watch it. He's got some.

He's got some. That's a rapture squirrel right there. That's a rapture squirrel. That's a bad squirrel. That's where those believe in Jesus. And he says says he says in this it will take hours to go another way. And these people

are are off the road. They're not even on the road. It's a tea and they're on the other side of the tea. So there's there's this one dirt road that leads to fucking loss angelus. Right. That's where he's going.

Yeah, the only way to get there, I know you guys aren't from California like I am, but the only way to get there is to go off of a road. They didn't build any roads to get to Los Angeles. No, they don't. They're really on either. Most of them go north only, not south. Yeah. Just put the, put the evil people in the fucking road.

How hard is that? Did they not forget the budget for that? They know they evil people in the fucking road. How hard is that? Do they not forget the budget for that? They couldn't block off a road I'm sure because that was like that was like the road down to somebody's ranch or something and that's the best they could do That's literally the kind of budget they were dealing with in this movie So so apparently 12 hours after a fucking power outage society is just descended into anarchy and in a vague effort to try to address this ridiculousness the girl the teenage girl she's like can't you feel it? God's grace is gone. Yeah, because you know when the Christians are gone all the beauty and love goes out of the world because when I think of what the Christians in this country especially you're doing I think of all the good fate too. Yeah

there will be no one to smack you before you eat. But apparently this is all here so that he can say to her, she says that so that he can say, I don't really feel anything since the Jason Bourne flashbacks. Oh, and this is so good. This is the first time he has a Jedi flashback. We're going to see this shot several times, but it's just David R. White's fucking Marshmallow peep of a face. He's just fucking crow-magnin' same upside down as it is right side up on the face.

Which he then puts a fucking scarf in a fancy penny and cron-a- It could not be more clearly a scarf. It might as well have had reindeer on it. That's how much a scarf. But so we get more of him being brainwashed. And they have put a Ghostbusters trap in his face. Yes, yes, yes. So never forget that Revelation Road 2, Sea of Class and Fire,

they came up with the Oculus Rift before it was cool. Oh, I see So and then yeah, and then of course during this we get some looting and riots just as like some b-roll Just again to try to get us to the full 90 I guess Just a very long moment of seeing just a bunch of people like setting shit on fire. Right. Whenever it shows more than two people, you know, this is stuff that is that they got from like the news or yeah. So then we get out of our little b-roll of earth shot and they turn on the radio so that they can listen to some Jesus stuff. Now, well, wait, before the Jesus stuff comes on, she turns on

the radio and she just listens to the static for a second. I wrote my nose. She loves this song It's just like a solid two minutes where she's like And then she finds the Jesus stuff I guess which is honestly the only downgrade At this point I just wrote if this guy doesn't get some revelation roadhead, I'm turning this off and watching Revelation Roadhead, which I don't know. Oh, my God. And look, this is actually the second time we've encountered this in one of these movies. But what we're getting on the radio now is, I guess, the normal pastor that does this

radio broadcast went to heaven. So the assistant pastor who was sinful is still there. Luckily, though, the original raptured pastor left a message for heathens, which makes me ask, do all of the pastors have a break in case of rapture recording of some sort? This is, this is not the first break in case of rapture recording. We have encountered in this show. No, which means that David R. White almost certainly has a break in the picture message, which I would pay all the money in the world. Me too.

Well, and here's the beautiful thing. The other movie where we saw that was a Kurt Cameron flick. So we could get both of them play on side by side. And I would just never stop orgasming. Best day ever. So yeah. So then I guess after like the pastor makes it very clear, again, this is Rapture, Rapture, Rapture, Rapture, Rapture, David A.R. White decides he doesn't want to listen to this anymore, so he turns it off and Beth is quite upset.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, hey, you turned off the underwater fire safety. Yeah, that's about it. We don't need that anymore, it's yeah, that's about it. We're not going to do that anymore. We don't need it. So now we've got to, they got to stop for gas, but it's post apocalyptic gas, so it's dangerous and suspenseful. Yeah. Which of course we start this off again by him slowly pulling off to the side of the road. Pulls off to the side of the road and goes lots of cars, no people. And I just wrote, David R. White just says what he sees. He's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, telephone pole, telephone pole, telephone pole, telephone pole. But he claims that it's a trap because of this. Yes, right. Yeah, because when there's no cars and lots of people, it's never a trap. So this is a trap because he learned that when he was the guy

from Assassin's Creed, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah blast, I'm a second. It only takes 10 seconds to check it on the... Spoilers. So, yeah, so he pulls up and I guess he knows it's a trap, so his plan is to just walk into the trap and see it. Because that's what he does, and then scary face piercing guy from the first movie gets the drop on him. And I'm really glad they sort of completed the arc of this car

i wondered when the first movie ended i was like whatever happened to him that they answered it and his brother bret farve so yeah and this is also this is another spot where they just drop it okay so the guy says freeze and he's got a gun in his hand and then they have a little flashback to back in his jet i days or whatever of the exact same thing happening and him should turn around shooting the guy so like they're very clearly trying to say this character could totally turn around and shoot this guy if he wanted to but he's finding Jesus so he's not going to.

Yeah this is the movie equivalent of me after I get my ass kicked sitting outside of Denny's with someone being like and then I would have been like oh and then the elbows ten times harder than the fist, but like, you know, you guys were there and I didn't want you to have to see that side of me. I don't know what you're doing. I'm sure it did. You want another napkin?

Yeah, my nose is bleeding, right? I said she looked like a chicken nugget, not a chicken nugget. People don't get jokes. I have to say, balding Bret Farve is an exquisitely bad actor. He delivers a line. So the face piercing guy starts kicking him after he drops his gun, right? So he starts kicking him. Balding, they handcuffed him. I got a sense of that. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Handcuffs him and then starts kicking him. And balding Brett Farrbb delivers his line as though he's a community theater actor who forgot his line and then tried to catch up. He goes like

Stop doing that. It is hilarious Watch it. It is the greatest line delivery It was it's so hard to watch but it's kind of worth it. Yeah, so we so yeah, Brett Farms says get him in there with the others And I'm like, please let there be a gimp. Please let there be a gimp. There wasn't by the way That guy looks just like may not from pulp fiction yes he does he looks if you have to have the face jewelry he would be managed yeah yeah absolutely um... so i guess but we never find out if there's a game to be honest because

then beth who still in the car they don't know about runs over bread far so the little girl murder some and with a via i have to say this but here's the thing tense scene okay so david a r White, he's dropped his gun. He's helpless. The girl, the girl's in the car and we establish that she can drive the car with like four shots of the camera going, keys, face, keys, and then slowly it dawns on her. Wait, cars, cars, drive, cars, drive. And it's like a minute later. And then slowly it dawns on her wait cars cars dry

And it's like a minute later she's like she is a Jeff Goldblum moment drive Angry Nicholas Cage Give backwards is Pimp Pp P90 That is exactly it takes an hour to establish I could drive a car. It's so good. At which point after she runs over the guy, David R. White just is like, and everyone that Jesus can't do does the least impressive stunt. I listen, I don't say this confidently, but I say this confidently. I could do this stunt as well as David Arway. First of all there is no fucking way David Arway did this stunt. And secondly this

stunt was fucking awesome. Are you kidding me? Like this is the only good action moment in the whole fucking movie. It's like because he's handcuffed so he doesn't dive roll picks up the gun on his way up and shoots the guy with his hand still behind his back. That was kind of sick. I mean I'm gonna give him that. Oh, yeah, that doesn't happen. It's three shots. Oh, yeah, like falling down, right? Someone rolling over on top of us, yeah, which I am very capable of doing. And David our white standing up, winded from the ass. And then David our white shooting the guy. Yeah. Well, you could have done David A.R. White's's part. Yes Absolutely. I would kill to see all the time they spent like no We need to get these frosted tips on the stunt double just right?

Okay, so it looks like this like he's doing his hair for I would kill to see the tanks where David our white thought that he could just give this a shot And the 45 minutes of filming where he was just like I would knock the window to me. Oh See I would have killed two to get a chance to see them like applying the bees to the stunt doubles face so he could pull pass off David air whiteness. Hey man. Gwyneth Paltrow says this is good for you See probably does So yeah, so the key here though is that they saved all the kidnap people from the red necks before. So poor man Steve Boshemi decides to give them some gas. I wrote Christian Steve Boshemi,

but yeah, right, right. Now I want to point something out here and this is very meta that I wrote in my notes at this point. Christian Steve Boshemi, who's name is Dale, Dale is going to kill and eat the mugger now. Ha ha ha. Keep that in mind for about a 45 seconds. Just keep that in mind, my jaw can't remember that on the way out of interstitial too. So, and of course as they're leaving, she sees that there's other cars so she wants to steal some of them assuming that some of those people at least have to be dead or raptured at this point, right? Right, me.

And he's like, no, no, when you're when you're okay listen let me teach you something about the post apocalyptic future you want to drive a car that gets 2.3 miles to the game it's the plan and then as they drive away Christian Steven Boshemi in fact is like yeah man I'm gonna kill you right as he starts wrapping a rag around his hand going I'm a good man I'm a good man and I was like fuck you are the scariest character in this movie yeah it looked like he was about to fist the dude yeah yeah I wrote Dale's gonna fuck that dude near isn't he I wasn't quite as on the nose as Eli what right not since my prediction about the boss was a prediction so amazingly accurate no No, no, yeah, that was pretty, that was pretty impressive.

Did we mention that earlier? But I want to make sure I get it again because I know you edit. So I think we should mention it again. Like, oh, the prediction was awesome. And then you have another option to put in there when you're editing. You know, to make sure it was a clear. Yeah. If you want, if you want, I can just change the tone and stuff on your voice when you

said your prediction was awesome and make it sound like other people are saying. And then add in, I don't know if you can tack this in again, I don't know how you edit, but add in like, oh, Thomas, that was your brilliant, you must have like just an ability that other people don't have. Could we add that in? Could we, someone say that? Can you say that? Thomas, that was your brilliant, you must have like just an ability that other people don't

have. Could we add that in to eat someone say that Can you say that I'll see what I can do? So then so we get Beth and David A. R. White they're driving away and they're having the I saved you know I saved you fight at which time she basically says like you know I'll show you mine if you show me yours She's saying whip it out. She's very good I'm not doing it. I wrote wrote fucked this i'm watching revelation roadhead i wrote go on david our white fuck that girl

it's post apocalyptic they didn't send you to have an i mean you got nothing to lose now uh... so yeah but this is this is the part where they're going to trade secrets they each have a secret his of course is that he's an injabad ass well wait not he so what we learn from the scuba suit well by the way we need to take a second to talk about the scuba suit so they have him in a scuba suit in the scene because

born is in a scuba suit in the jason born movies but the reason why jason born is in the scuba suit in his flashbacks is because he's swimming on to a boat to kill some right but the morons in this movie were just like spies were scuba so he explains that the ghost busters on to a boat to kill some of my butt the morons in this movie were just like spies were scoops so he explains that the ghost busters Oculus rift thing on his face and the cock when they gave him an injection and the jar full of gatorade that had crazy straws in them made them quote I don't feel fear the same way that other people do. And to see those words come out of David R. White's mouth, a man who looks like he got out of a permanent trip to the dentist at all time, is the greatest

thing that's ever happened. He looks like he's growing every morning. I expect him to follow it up with, I just urinate helplessly, you know. Oh, I wrote a book on this fucking scene. His whole badass power is that he doesn't feel fear. I've got news for you. There's pills for that. You can just take a bit. And you're fine. That component is actually pretty easy.

This is the fucking badass scenes. Not one time did I think, oh, the amazing thing amazing thing about david ar white is that he's not scared no i was a little more impressed by the fucking jet i ninja skills that he's just somehow has the fact that he's able to one shot kill every single bad guy when all they do is fire constant machine guns at him non-stop that that's more the power is that because he's not afraid so like if you see superman fly away and just kick people's asses like oh he's not afraid of gravity so that's why I

just do whatever he wants and fly. Yeah and this is where we get the real payoff for the whole Jedi thing that they were setting up. This was apparently his first mission and it was like watching kids play guns. Oh very much white guys. I was the greatest thing. They have all these white guys dressed up like brown guys. So he can shoot him.

And the leader one of them is clearly Rob Reiner, the Arabsof, the robberman. I want to watch the movie about that guy. Oh yeah, Bill, you there, Manny. Well, the first guy he kills, I was going to make a joke that, oh, that's Gary Shanling. And then I thought, wait, that's probably the same actor. And I looked at up, he's credited in this movie,

even though he wasn't in it, you know, the D-L-A-G. So I think it was him. I actually think that was the first guy he shot. That's very possible. By the way, can we talk about his tactic for shooting them? He walks out of the open desert right to this compound, and they all hold guns up at him, and he puts his hand up like, no, no, no, don't do that.

And everyone's like, okay, I didn't think about it like that. Shoot you, shoot you. Oh my god. Oh, no, no fair. Well, two and two, it's not even like he goes like quick, bam, bam, bam with the shots. It's like, bam, move over over bam. So he's not even fast. It's just I guess maybe the sun was in their eyes I don't we could do a whole episode about this

Well, he's got no fear because he's got all that orange and lemon lime gatorade Yeah, they put that glue going up against his head so now he's just fine so yeah yeah and as much as I was expecting at one point for one of the guys you shot the jump up and go oh i got you i got you it never happened but this is of course this is also intermixed with the woman like talking about how like they're going to give her powers so it all ends with them like unveiling him like robo cop yeah but it's just David our white yes yeah right yeah she's like the evil senator and she's like imagine an atheist soldier with no source of absolute morality

I present our product that's in post here is he's been standing patiently behind this plastic tarp the whole time Yeah, here he is. He's been standing patiently behind this plastic tarp the whole time we've been talking It's all in trouble. They pull it back and it's just David or white's fucking mushy Upside down rabbit that accidentally got caught in a nutra bullet face That's all there is to it They're like okay, I get it. It's April first. It's April first. I looked at the joke nori I looked at the calendar. I get it. It's April 1st. It's April 1st. I looked at the joke, Norey. I looked at the calendar

I get it, Norey. Very funny. Where's the real super killer that you're gonna unveil for us today? They could have revealed a toddler with downs and it would have been more intimidating. And over the over the course of this you we get to hear like your mission is whatever there's this fucking something and it really should have just said Your mission is we've discovered there's some white people dressed up as iraqis in the central valley of california uh... and that amidst a bunch of power lines and stuff that are really american and so it's weird that there's you know this is a mission but all of them all but yeah what do we do yeah we're just gonna send you there because it what why not i mean if they're pretending to be Iraqis I guess we'll send a freaking C8 whatever CIA guy what to send a pretend CIA how else do you deal with pretend I like it's like spies like us I get it I get it also why does he need a silencer for this mission

it's so that you could use the sound effects from golden eye for N64 It is literally the silence or RCP 90s going after him. Yeah, the silence PP7 from golden eye is the sound you hear in this move just David or white standing by his kid. Okay, shoot the gun again More time hold on my We got to all be quiet. We got to all be quiet and shoot it again We got to all be quiet. We got to all be quiet and shoot it again. So yeah, so the end of this mission, I guess, is that he went in and shot a kid because he has no fear of shooting kids. That's how they were able to make him kill kids is because he had no fear. It's just her saying, find the target, kill the target, find the target.

And now I was thinking, well, if I were the kid, I would just say, don't find the target, don't kill the target, don't. And then I think you would cancel out, like as long as you say it as many times as she's saying it in his head, I think you're good. He was brown. So he doesn't believe that he doesn't. He doesn't. Oh, he did. Oh, he did.

She also keeps saying there is no fear. There is no mercy. Yes. She's preparing him to beat up Danny LaRouza. Right. Just sweep the leg. Yeah. He also got some no mercy, Gatorade and that's the reason. Right. Right, right, just sweep the leg. Yeah. You also got some no mercy gatorade in that syringe.

Right, yeah, exactly. As he comes out of his flashback, he says to her, it was extreme. And I wrote in my notes, you ever have a gusher? It's like that. So I guess now it's her turn to tell her secret bath that the the teenage girl that's riding with him So she tells him about the encounter he had with it's always Jesus in Philadelphia from from the end of the first movie The when Jesus showed up to make her invisible while the bikers looked for yeah, we get it We get a little bit of a counter apologetics as well because she's like it's all in the Bible and he's like Bible says a lot of

I wrote tell her about the donkey members in the horse just tell her about the donkey members in the horse just right i wrote and i wrote it's because her response is jingley clease david jingley yeah that's so funny i wrote that i had that exact thought like bible says a lot of things yeah exactly it says like a billion things and you're picking one thing and saying no this is the right thing. This is what it actually meant. Jingly keys. Right. So I guess now that we're a solid hour into this movie without any single plot point being introduced to resolve, I suppose we burned a break if nothing else.

But before we take it, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will the order in which these scenes are being revealed eventually matter? Can our hero protagonist before it's too late? Will David A.R. White make it to the end of the movie in time? Find out the answers to these questions and one that no sane person would ask when we return for the admittedly spectacular conclusion of Revelation Road 2. See of glass and fire. Okay, everybody. Welcome to the legitimate business biker gang. Right, excellent. Just a couple of housekeeping tips. Please keep your lanyards on at all times for these first few days. Now make sure we don't start each day with a different name game, am I right?

I'm stored the sloth. I'm like a herb. But until those get locked in, let's make everybody's life a lot easier. Now remember, we ride together and we die together, but we can probably prevent the ladder with some quick safety tips. What's the rule that we always say? Helmets on at all times, even when bathing and sleeping. Breathing and sleeping.

Exactly, excellent. Now let's go do some biker accounting. I thought you were ste Stewart the salamander David thanks so much for coming in you betcha really excited about this sequel yeah about that yeah we had a few questions about the script okay sure what do you want to know We had a few questions about the script. Okay, sure. What do you want to know? Well, some of the stage directions seems unorthodox.

Such as? Well, the scene at the sheriff's office, you have teenage girl grinds against me uncontrollably written in there. That's all between every line of dialogue and stuff. Yes, right. Yeah, and then the next two pages stick together. Oh, sorry, but you got to lick your, not the page, like your fingers.

Okay, yeah, but I mean, do you think an underage girl grinding against your characters appropriate here for the storyline? Well, the part where she gives me the over the pan's handy, that would happen below the camera frame. Like, nobody would see that part Oh, okay, but then why would you put it in the script at all if it's not I don't understand the question Well, I mean you know, let's let's set that one aside for just a second Because my biggest problem with it was this this part you have marked as Jedi badass scene. Yeah, what about it?

Well, it just says I could be all like pew pew pew pew pew pew. Right. Okay, but I mean, what exactly did you have in mind? Oh, oh, not like a church pew. Pusers like gun noises like pew pew pew. And then no, no, no, no, I get that. I just, I just think we need more to go on than that. Oh, so like go hardcore and like a pecow here and they're like, oh, no, you should, you should definitely not do that. I mean, from what I'm gathering here, you just want to spend six minutes of this movie with you wandering around randomly shooting people Yes, yes, that is exactly okay. Okay. I just don't understand why our viewers would want to watch that The people would be brown

Okay, now that makes that makes that we're good. Yeah, yeah perfect I still don't see why you'd be dressed like a Jedi, but whatever. Oh, because they won't see me. And we're back for yet more of this incessant nonsense, and we're gonna pick up the action with the Biker gang questioning Dale, poor man Steve Bouchemmy, about whether he's seen a potato with five o'clock shadow wearing a sharp truce poins in the house, moving through the area. And this dangerous armed biker gang, Steve Buscemi is like, hey, are you guys going to pay for your gas? And it's like, what are you doing, man? But that causes him to have another fucking flashback. Another flashback that starts out with the guy saying again this actually appeared in the script the skulls came out of nowhere and shot

Deblock He ain't gonna make it. Deblock. Deblock was my favorite This is dialogue out of the scene that Tobias and Carl weathers are doing in From the other side of this tracks and I get like it's so good You know you get a free refill on any drink Does she get a shift meal or discount on select menu item? I think about half of our audience is love in this the other half Maybe not so much um anyway, but yeah, this is where, and of course they were out doing legitimate

bike or business because that's all they do at legitimate bike or gang. So they were protecting a shipment and an evil bike or gang came out. That's the skulls. Anyway, so the gist of it is that there's a rat in their team. Yeah, and I wrote, maybe the guy who's looking away

sweating and tightening light bulb. Yeah. I like like, I and tightening light bulb. Yeah. I'm like, I'm a genical note. I have, there's a rat. I wonder if it's the super nervous rat looking guy who is obviously the rat. And I haven't minded G.I. Wonder who the rat is. I was thinking it was basically like that scene where you first see Batman and Batman

V Superman. Oh, no rats over here. I'm just, I'm just uh... i'm just yeah yeah but so okay so but apparently they captured one of the skulls so boss is gonna shoot him and tell he tells them who the rat is but his wife won't let him be evil because jesus right he's aiming the gun at the guy's dick yes he is very clear and i would have already

like right when the aim happens I'd be like It's that guy over there If I were the captain, if I'd be like guys you don't even need me to talk look at that guy just look at him He's so obvious. He's a one question the guy over the urine puddle over there That's the guy. Yeah, then he and the wife have an argument for quite a while about it And if I were the captain, I'd be like, I feel like it shouldn't be here for this. Do you want me to, yeah, maybe like just scoot my chair?

You guys are arguing, you know, you're talking. I just, I feel, it's intrusive. That's a crazy billionaire remake. We just sub in Thomas for this character. I feel like I should go. Like, I'm happy to stay and moderate because I'm impartial in this situation, but like, I feel like I'm sort of in on a fight that I should go. Like I'm happy to stay and moderate because I'm impartial in this situation, but like I feel like I'm sort of in on a fight that I should.

I want to make sure both of you get everything out that you have to say. I want to make sure all sides are represented here, but or I can go. If it's more comfortable, I can go. I will scoot my little chair that I'm handcuffed to and I can get ready. Don't even, I'm timing. Don't even, I'm timing. Slowly move away. I'll see myself out. Good chunk. Good chunk. Good chunk. Which is essentially how it ends, because eventually the buzz has talked into being doing the Jesus-y thing.

What would Jesus do? I guess he would let the murderous biker gang guy go. So that's what he does, but his minions aren't too sure about this course of action. And that's the end of this flashback. That's easy for Jesus to do because Jesus didn't have to manage a Christian biker gang. That's tough to do. Yeah, right. Jesus didn't have the kind of pressures that the boss is having. Clearly. So yeah, but what we're supposed to learn from this flashback, I guess is that back then he was merciful But he's not merciful anymore because this is when Dale is like you guys gonna pay for that gas and he kills Dave

Yeah, so and and and we think this scene is over but it's not and the reason it's not is fun Apparently Dale had the hillbilly guy tied up in the ice chest so he could eat him. Yeah, he said he was gonna make sticks out of me and I was like I wrote this movie Bad job me because when you hear a gunshot is exactly when you want to start banging on the ice container And indeed they're going to murder him except he's like, I know a shortcut through California. Yeah, California. Oh, here's the shortcut. Take I five. That's all of California. One freeway that goes from the bottom of the state to the top of the state. That's it. That's the whole state. So yeah, but but the reason he's going help him is because they're gonna kill him otherwise

so he's gonna help him find potato head uh, and and then we go back to driving endlessly against featureless terrain Because again, they had to make 90 minutes through the script right yeah exactly at this point I realized and I apologize if this is a little inside for people don't know this the reason I can't take him seriously Among so many reasons fluffy Ben Rothisberger rapie marshmallow face He sounds like Schmidt from New Girl if anyone watches New Girl

Imagine Schmidt being portrayed as like a CIA badass. That's imagine that Being portrayed as like a CIA badass. That's imagine that He looks like Schmitz all unemployed older brother like that actor comes home and his brother's like Yeah, still staying with mom and dad, but you know, maybe you can get me in the show, right? I bet that that Deschanel girl is pretty hot right you hit that. No, man. I'm just an actor like we work together Yeah, you hit that you hit that How's your band good or cities on On soundcloud yeah, I got a song into this Christian movie dude's gonna take off. It's gonna take off And so she's trying to eat that she's riding with a teenage girl who's still in this movie just

Reminder and she tries to eat his high-ho and he's like no, no, that's my hi-ho And I wanted so badly for them to fight over it and for him to go to the dead zone Find the target kill the target find the target kill the My notes at this point are just stuff like is it just mirrors they've been half an hour left in this movie for a really long time I wrote still 32 minutes left in this movie and no things have happened. No, the only thing we've done is we've moved him from the hotel he was in at the end of the last movie onto the road that was next to the hotel. That is the only thing we've done and we've been through more than an hour of fucking movie. Right. And they're getting headlines from the rest of the world.

Oh my God, what's going on with the apocalypse? I read one of the headlines. It was thousands of people missing White House Blames Terrorist Groups. Well, they can't blame Jesus. It just disappeared all the people that was there. Also, she gets a text message on her cellular telephone. That says the following. It says, World Wide Blackout.

It might as well say, yeah, your cell phone will not work. Who texted that? If you can read this, this is a terrible movie. Yeah, who are the two? Who weren't good enough to get raptured They weren't good enough people, but they were good enough to like well, I want to you know make sure everyone's informed I want to kind of get the message out there like guys. There's a blackout. It's just texting everybody about it It's like people will check in that they're safe during terrorist attacks that happen in countries. They don't live in

So then we come back to the biker gang who is literally Going to head them off at the pass, but they can't do that before we have another flashback So she's in the biker thing they're all getting ready to roll out and she drops her by the way This is true can of cheese whist which she's bringing on this blacker gang. Yeah, this is the mother This is a boss boss the boss's wife. Yeah, the boss like says to a guy We're gonna do the the hit you know, not nine days from now or nine hours from now or whatever he says, we're gonna do it now.

And that's like to try to trick whoever the rat is. Right. And she drops her cheese whiz so she ends up around the corner and then the rat who surprises the guy, the daughter brought in, comes in and he's like, yeah man, they're doing it tonight. I don't care what you heard, I'm a rat, I am the bad guy. I just have to say, when you're ratting on your biker gang, make sure to have really loud cell phone conversations

in the biker base about it. Tax! Why wouldn't you just tax? He's like, hey, hello? Hey, it's me, the rat. It's the rat. The rat, can I talk to rival biker gang? Is this rival biker gang? Is this you rival, the, the rat. Can I talk to rival Baker gang? Is this rival by the end?

Is this, is this you rival? I'm the rat. Come in. He might as what, he talks the way I imagine Bernie Sanders talks on a cell phone. He's the, the millionaires, the billionaires. They're doing the job tonight. We need the taxes, Jane Jane well, they met at me

Man it me that's why Jane that's why I'm a rat. That's what right in say you weren't busy So yeah, so mom over here's the rat so the rat Tricks her into revealing herself with the cleverer. I closed the door but I didn't walk out trick. But if he knew she was there, why not just walk in and know she was there? Why do you need to check her out? Where do you know she is? That doesn't... When she was hiding from him, I wanted so badly for her to be like, Jesus is my learned savior, it's alright, damn it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that's a fuck. Oh, yeah, that would have been great if he had just sneezed and she it would have been

like the shaving a haircut bit from Roger Rabbit, where she just couldn't not say bless you. That would have been awesome. But instead the rat shoots her in the stomach and she dies eight final words into the boss's ear later. Right. She says she can't see because she got shot in stomach. And by the way, when she first gets shot, the the biker gang all hears the gun go off and they run inside of their compound, like, you

know the way dogs overrun a tennis ball. So, uh, so then we got the single greatest scene in the history of Christian films. I love this scene so fucking much. This is where he makes his vengeance hammer. His atheist hammer, yup. And they literally show him like, like he's like buffing it or something and they'll pan back to his face and he's angrily buffing it and then he's welding it but he's angrily welding it. He's welding with rage. He's angrily welding it is he's welding with rays

Creating this hammer by putting it near sparks And it's literally it's just a pole with like a used car part He sticks on top of it and like aluminum foil around it. He's in a foundry with sparks flying it It is yell forging is yell forging yeah yelling as he's how long like a week like he's just yelling go up every morning oh my throat is killing me but where's

the cuts of him like screaming in his breakfast and screaming his showers and screaming is serial I just want to see I just I would give anything to be a fly on the wall to see boss and the director talking about afterwards and and he's going like

no no i can read the stage instructions i don't know what well the angrily means i don't understand that as a concept here i'll show you uh... we get to learn a lot about how you make foam hammers because first you put like a little metal hammer together on a pole and then you throw that away and then you get a hammer hammer on a time from Amazon. But you have to yell while you're clicking, click one click by.

And then as if that wasn't great enough, he finishes his hammer. The Sparcer is still a fly in everywhere, even though he's done. And he lifts it above his head and slow motion bear growls. I could watch this every five minutes for the rest of my life. It's my fucking ringtone now. It's my alarm clock sound. Now everything in my life is going to be his growl from now on. Because it's in It's my fucking ringtone now. It's my alarm clock sound now Everything in my life is gonna be his grow from now on because it's in slow motion Oh, so he yells it goes It's amazing Oh shit if this movie was easier to watch I had a thrown in a clip

But I apologize guys it's really tough. It's not on Amazon or anything so okay So now they have to we are done with the flashback or whatever they're heading David A.R. White off at the past as you can as you recall but they have to trick him into slowing down because they can't shoot him as he drives by apparently the I guess that wouldn't be I don't know for whatever fucking reason They they stopped trying to think of reasons for things and I feel like there was a very similar conversation in the writers room Stop trying to think of reasons for things

Oh god, and there's coming up it even greater examples of that right right So I guess the way they're gonna do this is is they're going to get Andrea Logan white the chick Biker to look like she's helpless standing by the side of the road and because he's the hero of the movie he'll stop to help her and then they'll Shoot him from a distance. That's the plan. But instead of playing along the daughter who he's yelled at and screamed out through this entire two movies now Decides instead that she's going to clumsily leap into his car when he pulls over now keep in mind he's got the teenage girl who she knows from the last movie right anyway they could have used anybody else but no so and but I wanted to point out that when she jumps into this car it's the most clumsy fucking it looks like my fat ass cat

realizing the table is too high her fucking half of her body still sticking out. She's like it's an ambush drive. And she's just like Slogging along and shit. It's it's quite fun. I think she did her own stunt. Oh also she very clearly lost her voice at some point during this shoot Because during this entire scene Andrea's voice is like I've seen Andrea's voice is like, you gotta go, guys. You gotta go, guys. I had, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wrote that I was like, what the fuck am I hearing right now? There's, for no reason, no explanation.

She's like, she's all of a sudden, Cartman after gender reassignment surgery. Yeah, and I love that the director was like, yeah, great, great, do it. Yeah, keep it. All with an it, even her wife and her. We're watching Jailies and she was like, does that sound weird? And he was like yeah great great do it Yeah, well with an it's You know why's her we're watching jails and she was like does that sound weird?

And he was like no you sound great really great So I want to do it now Hold on I'll get this sheet with the whole um, so I'll get the mask of boss But during the gunfire as they're driving away, the teenage girl Beth gets shot. Remember her birth professed. Yes, she was wearing the bulletproof vest, but that doesn't matter because we've been setting up for several movies that you have to put your trust in God, not the bulletproof vest, neither of which saved her at this point

the book the book is goes through the best and there's no moment of like oh man it went between it's just like yeah man i those are shitty best he's to sell me a part board that's the conclusion i drew is he's just selling bullshit best he's like yeah i'm a total just fraud everything about the the fact that it's just a jacket the the the north face check it is where the

greatest thing this movie has a really hard problem with distances It does not understand Distances they get in the car for like Ten yards and then they stop because they're like she's hit or whatever and they talk for probably 30 35 minutes and The motorcycle gang hasn't caught him somehow like a where do we park our motor hey were we in jade and no no it was ice all fuck and they're like a fine the parking lot of the fine felt they're trying to find it yeah it seriously takes an hour for them to

catch up yeah yeah exactly and that so that the little girl can have this Death scene that is so bizarre because apparently this was Jesus's plan. That's what she told Okay, so when Jesus showed up in the first movie says I need you to play a part in his story So that he can be the hero I need him to be Jesus's plan was to block a bullet with a teenage girl He didn't want to contact the guy directly. At least you didn't want to tell me. I'm gonna just go. He's gonna just say they're gonna head you off at the pass.

Don't stop for the limping girl. Yeah, he's like things are awkward between me and him. I don't really. Just, you know, just, you know what, imagine, mention me casually, like see what he says. Like, run. Don't think it seemed like I asked to be like, oh man, what do you think of Jesus?

Like, yeah, it's weird. I talked to Jesus. And you know, you came up. We were talking and it wasn't like, I don't know how you came up, but you came up at some point. You know, me and Jesus, which I just was wondering. Does Jesus have a Facebook?

Do you both have Facebook? It's like a group message together. I wanted to say on the God's plan thing, doesn't that completely ruin your movie? Like if I'm watching a movie as a viewer and then they're like, oh this was all God's plan, why do I care about this fucking movie then? It's all, he's just planning this shit, it doesn't matter what happens, he planned it. It's a, why, and furthermore, why does God's plan curiously revolve around our main characters? There's like a hundred other characters that, oh, he's dead, he got shot in the face,

he's dead, doesn't matter, like, no one cares about those characters, but it's like God's plan that we save this one character just right. Well, he doesn't have enough nominally Christian ninja assassins. Thomas is adorable, he hasn't watched 34 other Christian movies. He's like guys, isn't this a little silly? So yeah, so and then we get another great like my cat could have stomped better dialogue where Andrea Logan White who's in the back seat now is like what are you doing he's like he won't stop until I stop him So yeah now we're going back for the big David A.R. White V the boss fight right right but before we get that she tells him That's my dad right you know and he's like okay, so can I murder your father right now? Yes or no?

Okay, good buckle up we're doing it all right, good. So now it's time for car versus motorcycle chicken. What? But yes, I want to play car versus motorcycle chicken. Call the car, I call the car. I'm right. Oh damn, no. I said before this movie doesn't understand distances. That was, no, now I want to say this movie

really doesn't have the car at the motorcycles drive at each other for again forty five seconds yes looking at each other shooting at each other doing dried full speed hundred miles an hour driving at each other at for eternally it's just never and they don't understand distances masses yet they didn't they don't have any of

the physics in this movie. So, yeah, so on the first pass, I guess Bos moves out of the way at the last second, so we can't run him over. That doesn't seem like it would be very difficult to run over a guy in a motorcycle who's driving directly at you, but okay. As someone who's accidentally hits several people on motorcycles all over tell you, it is very easy to. The boss is wearing like 90 pounds of fur. How does he even move around? Oh, wait. He experiences fear, so it's not really a fair fight.

I mean, I ruin your thing. Yeah, exactly. So on the first pass, boss shoots him in the shoulder, and then I guess we get, and he shoots all of the other bad guys. So it's just him and boss left those guys can Die and I wanted to say soul collector who I want somebody I can't remember which of you

Established he wears a jock strap on his face. Yeah, he runs straight into the windshield And I thought oh finally the jock strap on your face is paying up He is teeth were fine like he's dead, but his teeth He was he's been planning this out. Yeah, exactly. He wants to look good for the funeral. So now everybody is out of bullets. It's like the hockey scene in clerks. Nobody brought more bullets. So, so now they're and I wrote it my notes. It's like is this really what's happening, but it is they're gonna drive together but the buzz has his nerf hammer with which is going to smash the car well don he picks up the nerf hammer going ninety miles and effortlessly with one hand this is a phone fucking hammer doesn't wait time doesn't wait an ounce i don't know it changes again they don't know distances or masses

but uh... yes so he drives him to the fucking car and hits it with the hammer so hard that the car rolls over in the air. Oh, but when he hits it, it goes, boom, it's the most hard to me noise. You can possibly imagine. And we get it like 12 times. This is like Batman knocking two bad guys heads together. A music note for the hammer here was more cowbell. So bad.

And apparently, the hammer is a blue shell or something. So everything explodes and the hammer wise will spin off the side of the road explode to it's right With the with the sound effects clonking here, so it can't so both of them rack and now Boss is coming limping up doing with the hammer so that we can get the clonk again And oh my god at the clonk the whole movie's worth watching just for this yeah He keeps like trying to hit him with the hammer and mission hitting the fucking Roll it yeah, we've established this is a billion ton hammer It took out a car. Yeah, so maybe not the best weapon for close range Like hold on stand there David our air white. I'm gonna take a big swing. Give me a minute

I got a stretch and In left. I'll just duck. I'll just duck. I'm just gonna duck. Oh yeah, you're right You can just do shit. So yeah, so we get the clonk like five or six times in a row and then David A. R. White picks up a pipe so they can have a hammer versus pipe fight to which I wrote still better than Batman V Superman And he hits the boss with the pipe several times in the bosses like whatever And he hits the boss with a pipe several times and the boss is like whatever There's your pipe. That's fine. And it makes a sound like he's hitting steel with the pipe, too It's the adamantium. Yeah, so he hits him with the pipe and he wins and then he turns to him and in the most beautiful moment Oh real proof I could ever ask where he goes. We're not warriors

where he goes. We're not warriors. And I'm like, no fucking Ryan Gosling's Neanderthal. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather. Probably both agreed we were warrior poets in that parking lot. Over the bending machines. I no longer. Boss,

Boss should have said like, no, we are, we are warriors. We are. We basically does. So and then, and then I guess he's about to kill him, but that's when the boss is shirt falls open and we see

a mom's fucking flavor, a slave cross from the beginning has been around just the whole time and that Thomas. This might be a good time to mention. I was, I don't know, did we say this? I did predict that. So this might be a good time to mention I was I don't know did we say this I did predict that so this might be a good time to talk about that for a few minutes if you don't mind yeah I wrote in my notes he's wearing a crucifix Thomas wins a prize he gets to come back for movie

yeah yeah so good you win and then David our white takes this opportunity to like get right with Jesus He has the like I want to talk Jesus, but this is the only I want to get right with Jesus and a Christian When we've seen while someone is being strangled And listen as someone who's paid several men buzzes side to choke me at various times in my life They're doing it wrong. I'm to say they're doing it wrong. Yeah, they didn't establish a safe word or anything. Yeah.

So yeah, yeah. So yeah, he starts choking him to death while he's getting right with Jesus. And then Andrea Logan white shows up and she's like, Dad, I just wanted you to be proud of me. And I don't know why I'm bringing this up. The fact that you're choking Amanda death seems more urgent, but I thought I'd mention it. Let go of your anger and also David R. White's throat. Right. Yeah.

She's like, hey, can you stop strangling and have some feelings? Like, we're either finished strangling them or stop. One of the others is going to talk to you. She runs over and grabs the hammer. I have the speaking stick. Right. And then, as if this isn't insane enough, we cut to, because now it looks like David A.R. White's dead, but the boss is learning to love to and so he walks away.

And then we cut to dead Beth and the fucking retarded Jesus from the last movie, like OP-Wonning, a little way off the road They're just standing off to the side of the road dead looking on as this happens Right, and she's like where are we going? And he's like heaven and she's like what's heaven like and he's like Jingly Here's the problem if you try and describe it. It's not as good. It's not good We don't have a good because we don't fuck ears like right like I've got have you ever seen ossa goes to hell it's like that yeah it's like your parents and grandparents are there it's like yeah it's heaven but it's like

but I'm not there so would they be happy that I'm not there or how does that work are they oh no you're there for the everyone's a series of illusions for everyone else in all possible combinations, but nobody's fucking because their grandparents are there and it's hard to fuck in front of your grandparents except there's a guy up there named Eli who just loves it. We got it right for him. So yeah, but the clear message that we're supposed to get from here, I guess is don't worry about dying Christians It's fun and then we can get David A. R. White waking up from his thorough David Cara Deening Yeah, the key is to always have a spotter take the bag off your head

Oh And then I guess him and Andrea Logan White Cohen Barry the teenage girl and the desert together, which is weird, because that's how my wife and I met. It's very romantic. And by the way, we know the apocalypse must be real, because on the horizon, as he's driving away, you can see several places that the burning log Netflix video on a tire mountain on fire in the foreground in the background.

It's ridiculous Yeah, but we can't get paroled from this movie just yet because first he has to show up back at his house With the world of flame around him well, but not really and my music note for this scene is let's take this Christian rock concert down Not so people can really chill out, you know My music notice this person calls us keyboard a synthesizer concert down and off so people can really chill out you know. My music notice this person calls us keyboard as synthesizer. It's at this point that you realize that this movie's struggle to get to 85 fucking minutes was like finally getting to the toilet with the worst diarrhea you've ever had.

They were in the edit bay just like come on we just need a few more minutes of movie what else. Let's have him look for his obviously raptured wife for like a half hour. He'll just say Oh, no is she in this room oh no. Oh my god, and then finally they hit 85 minutes. They're like Playing hide and seek with the toddler is she under the cow? Is she behind the refrigerator the cow. Is she behind the refrigerator? Seriously, the last 15 minutes of this movie are 20 seconds. They really are. Yes. Yes, it all could have been with the whole fucking movie. Could have been taken care of it about three minutes for all that happened. But yes, eventually he finds the pile of burned dead wife and kid in a pile on the floor. Yeah, okay, but he only finds the one pile of dirt.

So how does he know they were standing together? He should be looking for his evil baby. Or his evil wife or something like that. It's weird throughout this movie, I kept thinking, so everybody leaves just a dusty shit behind when they're raptured. I don't know why that is. A dusty shit, the Eli Bosnich story.

But he still had sex with the weird pile of ashes just one last time. Just, you know, just, it's a little, there's a little hole in it. Yeah. So then realizing his wife's been raptured, he goes out into his front lawn. Well, no, first he sits down and reads the Bible for. Oh, yes, it's the best. When these people in. Well, no, first he sits down and reads the Bible for all. Oh, yes. It's the best. When these people in these movies, well, the two that I've watched, when they pick up the Bible with like new eyes,

like, oh, the Bible, it's like, no, it just says the same stupid shit it said in whole life. It still says all this ridiculous shit about own and spilling his seed and like all that. They look at it like, oh oh what is this life-changing document I'm about to look at is that how you make stripe to go it's yeah exactly so so many cries at Jesus and they cries about his dead wife and and then he reads the bible I think I believe that's three squares on Christian movie bingo all at once in this one scene that's

pretty amazing yeah they're really trying to get an all square in these last three minutes and once again we really need to stretch this out so they last minute Marshmallow Ben Rothisberger has this Lexia because he reads the bible like someone who doesn't really know how to read words he's like and and take take the the the Lord Lord it's like oh my god it's like when you were in class as a kid and the teacher would do popcorn and then they'd always popcorn back to the kid who had trouble reading you were like fuck can I read to everybody? I would go graph he fucked this kid why do you always let him Jesus?

and then we get him leaving the house he's put out a more manly shirt while he was in there, which was nice But then we get this weird like I'm not gonna be a ninja assassin anymore moment where he throws away his gun Yeah, just like in the street. Yes Well, you see he takes the clip out and no genius will ever figure that out like here's a clip and's a clip and here's a gun. I will just put them together. The gun to the left and the clip to the right and he's like, no more guns now. Right. Right. That's safe. Yeah. He looks up into heaven and says, take good care of her Lord. And I wanted him so bad to be like, she can't come unless there's something in her ass.

I don't know. Yeah. there's something in a rass. I'm gonna have the PG version of that. I said I said he says take care of them Lord like a 50s oldie about your girl finding another steady. Take good care. Oh take good care of my baby. And that is the difference between me and Thomas and I. Me some 1950s they found a new thing and I'm like put a thumb up there Doesn't matter how hard you yank the more you got to prime the pump So and then he drives away and apparently stole one of the motorcycles or whatever after giving baths Shit about wanting to steal other people's cars and stuff And I just wrote a real Christian would obey helmet laws david A. R. White, but he doesn't. And by the way, he literally winks at the camera. He's right. He doesn't really. He must have tried so hard not to. So many days. Don't wink at it. And there was also,

so the credits go, there's an in the middle of the credits scene, I missed it. Yeah, which is that sting is still alive and looks up and Jesus is there. So why? That's it. Okay. That's it. I guess. So you guys are saying there's a part reason. So that's just like a flange. There's not a real part three of this someone like Someone just said like they they type it right there like oh three instead of two I fat-fingered it now. There's actually just there can't be a third movie of this. There's nothing There's nothing even less to go to to the next movie than there was in the first one Yes, they don't even bother they okay, you know last movie. They said like to be continued this one They didn't even do that. They're like look we're this is a fucking felony already what we're doing here So let's not let's not call attention to the to be continued

Let's just let's just play it a little close to the best right so now I don't know if we mentioned this not yet or not But I believe Thomas really knocked his prediction out of the park last week of what to expect in this movie What what would he predict? Did I predicted that there would be some kind of Christianity in it? Anyway. Oh, no. Oh, no. Would anyone like to challenge him for the title?

Maybe any predictions for part three here? I have to abstain because I watched this movie four times about two years ago. Oh, did you really? I've seen the part three about four times. Oh, awesome. This has been've seen the part three about four times. Oh awesome. This has been a movie that I show people at parties and for my own amusement for years.

Oh, awesome. I don't want to spoil anything, but I will, if I can make a minor prediction, Kevin Sorbonne, a fur coat running a fight club. That's all I'm gonna say. Oh, I'm gonna say it. We don't have to do like the preview review now or anything everyone's gonna be here next week. Wow. My prediction is just a general note that I kept thinking to myself over the course of this film.

It's not really prediction, but an observation. In the post-rapture world, it's gonna be so much easier to pick up chicks because any girl you see it's gonna be like yeah yeah you did something i don't know what you did but you did something so i would have so much confidence you know in the post-rapture world every girl is a girl who smokes yeah there you go well since this film clearly stemmed from david a. r.a, I'm sorry. He did you have a pass? All right, all right That's safe. That's a good good strategy. Good. Well, since this film clearly stem from David A.R. White's desire to be a superhero when he grew up in our effort to capture the true value of this film and a succinct rating system I ask you to imagine the following scenario. All right, you too grew up to be a superhero, but your superpower is even

stupider than this movie. What power do you have? And for bonus points, what is your superhero name? Okay, okay. My superpower is that I don't experience the emotion of shame. Don't have. You lots of other stuff other superheroes can. You bring an egg salad onto an airplane. Oh proud Start the wave at a funeral no head vacation dressed like a hipster whatever so That's my power and my super name is irony man. Oh nice Ooh, I'm gonna go with I have the ability to write 112 characters on Twitter and my name is the super awesome and excellent. Yeah, wait for that one.

Yeah, no, wait a second, take a second, because Skype sometimes cuts out. And Thomas, you got a superhero power for us? Well, I've got egg all over my face because mine was kind of similar to to heaths But I literally wrote this without knowing any of yours if I could have any power It would probably be to have absolutely no embarrassment of just shitting as loudly as I wanted I think that would I think that's my superpower just get going in knowing there's someone And just going I don't care. I really front of just some poor citizen and just going, I don't care, I really don't, I don't know that guy,

he doesn't know me. So, you know, I can't do it. You wanna be me. It's like, yeah, I also wrote my notes, I think these superheroes already exist and walk among or maybe shit among us, but I don't know. All right, now I have to know, man. Are we gonna somehow be able to, I know you got important like first anniversaries and stuff but those come and go

I mean David A our white action trilogies are once in a lifetime are we gonna be able to talk you into doing a third one of these with us I would I would love to and maybe maybe I will get to watch it with Eli I don't know We'll get to watch it with Eli. I don't know, but I like it to watch it with what do you think? Yeah, going to my side. I see it watching Revelation Road for your anniversary. And we're gonna do the popcorn trick with the penis in the pump. Yeah.

That's a great way to ensure that you get more first anniversaries. So, okay, well then I guess you can stick around for this part, two of you don't mind, that does do it. I guess for our review of Revelation Road 2, Sea of Glass and Fire. But it doesn't do it for the episode yet because we still need to see if this trilogy has an act 2 in it somewhere. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck? Revelation. Revelation.

I'm so excited. I can't believe it's there. Revelation Road 3, the Black Rider. Now, I have purposefully not talked about this movie to Noah or he, I very casually mentioned us doing this trilogy a few times, because I don't wanna be like, but if you get to the third movie, in the third movie,

but here's all I'm gonna say, okay? It goes full mad max Kevin Sorbo is in a full fur coat and plays a gay fight club post-apocalyptic drug lord it's nonsense I cannot wait and I haven't seen this move for like almost a year so I cannot. Oh, so well, I gotta say if that doesn't get you on board nothing will. So Thomas, I can't thank you enough, but I'm still gonna try, but I'm not gonna do it until next week so that you know, you have reason to come back if you start thinking twice about this. But no, we really do appreciate it. And one last time if anyone wants to hear a little bit more from you, where should they go? Thank you. If people want to hear my comedy stylings find comedy shoe shine the podcast. It's really fun

But if you'd like some more serious atheism talk, you know deep into the issues Check out atheistically speaking. I'd really appreciate it if people like me check them out Awesome, and awesome very much appreciated. I cannot You're gonna do all three of these. Oh dude This is the greatest thing never happened to me. I this is so fun. I've never been happier to lose a bet So with all that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 35 to a merciful close once again Huge thanks to Thomas Smith of atheistically speaking Thomas in the Bible and the comedy shoe shine podcast all of which will Be linked on the show notes also and even huge or thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to count

Yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Draft Sun Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nicolviva LaDrafson

Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here and more by following links on the show notes to this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and right Neely Bosnick. I'm Noah Luzon's Promise and a Work Hard to earn another chunk next week and tell then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. What the fuck? Where did you get that? Get it down. Gothfarmer got promoted to assistant manager at Hot Topping. The guy who did the stereo mixing for this movie didn't take kindly to my criticism and vowed revenge.

The boss went on to start a very successful overnight smithing business. Brother. And we're back for yet more of this incense and I just wanted to fuck up just to fuck you time up a little bit more than time I'm sorry yeah Eli I think you've been on a delay for a for a little bit of a minute there we need a safe word for when we start feeling like you're on a delay because we just get going and my safe word is keep going.