God Awful Movies - 351: Journey to Hell - Live from Toronto

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

This week, the guys hit the stage for the first time in years for an atheist review of Journey to Hell, the story of a genocidal maniac burning in the eternal fires of hell and the movie expecting us to feel sorry for him or something. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And Euros says, and I quote, 2000 years, eight weeks, 12 days. 1900 years, four score and seven years go. The castle run in 12, six. Do you think Han Solo went to hell? Oh yeah, be... He shot first. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Booby, booby, booby!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CarWaffle Moopy's Live! And welcome to the World of Legends! And what the hell is? So I was going to have a standing ovation from my wife there, that was great. Welcome, as you may have heard to God awful movies live in Toronto Sorry, wait, sorry, I have an ungood authority that is not Toronto to rhyme with pronto It is Toronto to rhyme with goano To your choice not mine Toronto all right, no, I can do that. I'm from South, yeah, I can do Toronto. And of course, joining me tonight in this international game, Stravaganza,

please welcome to the stage my good friend Heath and Wright! Water? Oh, okay, alright, alright. Oh, I got it. I got I got much better. Yeah, hello everybody Oh, there's a Andrew is very relieved I texted him yesterday I was like I can come out as Justin Trudeau in a Halloween costume, right like that's cool Decided against it speaking of Out outfits that probably should have been decided against. I, everybody's just having such a good time. It's a wholesome show so far, right? But unfortunately also joining us tonight.

Put your ass together for my bad friend Eli Bosnich! That's right. European style. Because we're in France. Half the time. So... Can I tell you something fun about this bit that we do is that it started out as just a way to freak out my straight audience members, but now it's a little treat from a gay male audience members. Yeah, if you came with a gay man tonight, he is perfectly still right now.

He has no idea what you're all laughing at. He's just like, the sure rocks. See, normally this is where I would explain to the audience listening at home what was going on, but I don't want to. I just don't even want to. Please. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Journey to Hell. Yeah. Yeah. It's the story of you are Hitler. You're Hitler.

Most people say that as an exaggeration. No, you're bad Hitler's bad tie. You're Hitler. You're all going down. You're Hitler. That's the story. That is the movie, yeah. That's Christian Andy, apparently, too. And we saved such a good one for you guys. Good, of course, I mean in the sense of God awful.

So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if your surf team is really into Jesus and you just realized how much money you can save on sets with green screens and the set of a porn. You will love this movie. This movie is the result of someone who heard three words of a street teacher's thing and was salt right away, right? They were like, Repanter, you'll go to hell and he was like, I'm fucking in, I'm going to make a movie right away. They were like, Repanter, you'll go to hell and he was like, I'm fucking in,

I'm going to make a movie right away. They were like, do you want to know anything else about the religion? And he was like, no! Already filming! Huh? All right, so does anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Normally I would, but I have to talk about something else really quick. I have to use this moment. Canada? Yeah. Canada? Woo! Yeah. Canada, just bring it in for a second. So the Supreme Court justice uniforms you have.

What the fuck is going on there? It looks like Mr. and Mrs. Claus doing like a strippy thing. That's your say, like I'm American and I'm making fun of your Supreme Court this week. That's insane. The picture of your Supreme Court looks like the headline should be like, Malsanta Massacre! Colt reveals dark undertones. I would so take their Santa Court.

Oh my God, I would love the Santa Court. Okay, so I'm going to steer us back into the movie here a little bit. I want to go with best worse tagline. The tagline of this movie is, and I quote, Jesus spoke more of hell than of heaven. It's like, you know, it's just that everybody forgets the horror movie aspect of their Lord and Savior, and this movie wants to remind us. Jesus is right behind. Yeah. T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- He's got his hand caught on a coat rack.

Oh, damn it, ow, ow. I'm gonna go with best worst break policy. Okay. We will be introduced to hell's break policy in this film. Spoiler alert, it is. Okay. Yeah, no. Is that it?

It's better than Amazon. Being in it? It's better than Amazon. Being in hell. It's better than podcast. They didn't like, hey, you got to get Michael Marshall to come be in hell for the time that you're not in hell. Bring Kara Santa Maria down to hell for a little while and then you can be not in hell for a bit. That's fair. That's fair.

All right, well, tell you what, weed is lead in Canada be not now for a bit. That's fair, that's fair. All right, well, I'll tell you what, weed is lead in Canada, so I need a break. But we'll be back in a split with all the surfer dudes theology of journey to hell. Oh! Oh! And demon flap and demon flap and rest. Whoa! Hey, guys, what's all the commotion here? And Demon flap and demon flap and rest. Whew.

Hey, guys, what's all the commotion here? Oh, hey, you know, he's the one I get in a shape for the live show this week. We need all the strength and endurance we can get for all the physical bits we're gonna do. Yeah, and the in-person japes. Exactly. Which is why I've carefully studied the movie for anything we might want to reenact. Right, like demon flaps. Or knee praises.

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All right, he's ready. Yep. Flat, flat. Wait, wait, wait, wait, he's ready? Yep. Flap. Flap! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, us once again. Sir, sir, what do you mean? It's this new movie, Journey to Hell. It portrays our lightness as exactly.

How could this be? Usually the humans show us with the horn, stale, straffy-horn. I know! Are you sure this isn't another scenario with the clowns? Where they look like us, but it's actually a totally different thing. Nope, sir, this isn't like the clowns at all. Look, I have a still from the movie. My god, it looks just like us!

Right? Curse you, Gene Simmons. You betrayed us with your stage portrayal. Hey, hey, somebody asked for me. Is... Sorry, is Gene Simmons dead? I don't know, man, who cares? Ouch. Wow. And we're back for the breakdown. And before the movie even starts, we're going to open

on a super topical quote from 19th century English preacher Charles Spurgeon quote Charlie Spurge There are many in hell who are almost safe and Quote title card of this movie is God was Close not to burning you in hell forever. Yeah, God's the airport security guy who got like drunk with powers All of a sudden he's like, ooh, you've got like 3.5 ounces of interracial marriage right there. Your wife's like a 64th First Nation, that's eternal damnation.

Well, if you put her in a plastic bag, like a clear plastic, this seems bad, moving on. Yes, it's rough. No, it's rough when you're in Canada, you're doing Owens jokes. So from there, as we get that little quote, and then we meet our group of surfer buddies. They're calling it a day. We're established that we're in Los Angeles, California,

and we use all these stock footage. They could afford marked beach. And then we meet a group of people that are obviously supposed to be surfers that just got done surfing. And the immediate note in my, that I wrote down, acting note, oh, it's gonna be one of those movies. Yes.

This movie smacks of that delicious combination of local actor who didn't know what they were signing up for and church youth group members. Yes. Right? It's based entirely on the wideness of the eyes, right? How hard they're nodding when they're not saying their lines. So, yes, so they're hanging out.

They're like, oh, that was a great day of surfing. And then a girl comes up and she's like, hey, has anybody seen Shane? He might be about to incite the incident. He also forgot that people who were just surfing would maybe be wet. That's the... Fine, the movie forgets a lot of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Ah, the music was so good. Yeah, at this point, it was like made in Mario Music Maker.

Absolutely, yeah. Like coupon Craig with a Casio. Yeah, yeah. Very problematic. But this movie's got places to be damn it. So we cut from there to Shane's funeral. He drowned well surfing. Okay. Shane bad man. Yes. Yes. Shane bad man. It's a little subtle. Did you guys hear it? See if you can get it bad man because it's Jewish because he's Jewish right Steve protagonist

Yeah, so Jesus and I love so they're having the funeral and they're like but at least we know that Shane is in a better place And then the camera starts panning down And I've and of course I'm like down. And of course, I'm like, wait, is hell actually, though, in there as a below? Sure, it's like 12 feet underground. Hell is so shallow, and I expected a guy digging out a pool to hit hell by accident.

Oh, this is gonna be great kids, you'll see. Ah, fuck. How do you guys feel about an above ground pool? So yes, so we pan down to hell, we get Shane waking up there, and this is where we're first introduced to the green screen Effects that we're gonna get in this film. It's not a green screen. It's the main character of the movie. Yep Yeah, believe it or not, Heath, that was they weren't actually at Burning Man at all. I thought you were going to say they weren't actually in hell. Just watching their location manager talk to Satan.

Come on. Just in afternoon. We just need an afternoon to shoot. And I love this because this is where Shane is going to wake up, right? He's very obviously in hell. There's flames and there's demons and shit. But he walks around and he's like, where am I? Where am I?

And they make him do that for way too long for it to make any sense. Just like everything else in this movie, it just goes on for like two and a half minutes longer than it should have. Yeah. Shane's performance here is like guy lost at a music festival who you're kind of okay, dying of thirst at this point. Where am I? Okay. Maybe go towards the big fire in the center of the party. I'm just saying, clean up some garbage while we're here.

Leave only footprints, am I right? Three old hippies were like, I like that joke. I lit a gentleman I didn't know have sex with my face. So... I gave him water to do it. Now that I say it out loud, not super great. Oh, gifting culture, you turn into sex, you're being said briefly. Oh, Jesus. So this is also where we're going to meet our demons. So the demons of this, first of all, just by applause, how many of you actually watched this movie? Oh, wow. All right, awesome, awesome. Yeah, yeah, no, don't do that. But you so you know, the demons are basically wearing

kiss makeup without really putting the effort in. Like clown makeup without the red. Yeah. It's like the PTA tried to do a kiss cover band show to make up for the fact that the principal killed himself at the last pep rally. Ah, wanna forget all about last week! Yeah, but eventually though, the demons blew him in.

The gyms are super high. They haven't gotten him down yet. So, audience at home, he lies doing visual humor. You should have been here. His wife left it. So. So yeah, but so Shane figures out that he's in hell. He has this big, you know, disappointed kind of a moment there. He has to speak to the manager at one point. Basically, yeah, which was fun.

I feel like the canon, according to this movie, when you go to hell, you're in the clothes that you were wearing when you die for the rest of hell. Yes. It seems that the lesson is, you dress up like sting the wrestler when you're about to die and now you're a minion in hell and you're not in hell.

You're like, you have a job. They wouldn't even know. Okay, other idea, when I start to die, and it may be on stage, so be quick, Pope costume. Just so you can fuck with people, you walk around, you'll be like, I don't know what I got it wrong. I feel like there's gonna be a lot of Pope's town.

It's all in the chair right by me telling you. Because you give thing a culture. And then, okay, so then the movie suddenly realizes that it doesn't have an hour and a half from there, so we cut to a beach and the title tells us that it is six days before hell. Now the way that these days are going to advance from this point in this movie is fucking baffling. Deepak Chopra could not decode what the fuck is going on with these days.

You'll see as we go. It's chasing the scriptwriter. Fuck only a three days left. I gotta have something happen. So yeah, this scene is pretty much useless, right? He's just at the beach. He comes in his wife. It's just like, you sure we're surfing for a long time.

I thought maybe you had drowned and died and gone to hell. And he's like, no, I'm not gonna drown and die and go to hell at all. He seems to think he literally cannot drown. Yeah. He's like, no, I'm not gonna drown and die and go to hell at all. He seems to think he literally cannot drown. Yeah. He's like, don't worry, I can't drown. I'm Aquaman. I should say, by the way, Aquaman he ain't. That'll be important later.

If Aquaman fucked one of those deep, deep sea fishes, okay, you're the ones with a little land. That's what he looks like. He looks like the kid that swims out of the Mariana's trench and is like, hello, brother, I'm here for 20 years of child support. And Aquaman is like, fuck, I gotta stop drinking. I gotta stop drinking.

You look like they shaved Oscar, the grouch man. What happens? So, but that's that whole scene that's the whole thing he comes back and goes no I will never drown and I will never die And I won't go to hell and then we cut back to the high school production hell thing Oh, this is where we get to hear the first kiss demons attempt at a British accent Which only happens at the front end of the sentence. Pfft. It gives up every sentence.

This is also where we meet. So this movie is gonna have a lot of cameos. Pfft. Other people that he's gonna meet in hell. This is the first one. It is Mao Zedong. Pfft. Pfft.

Super not Mao Zedong. No, it's just. It's Chinese, it mousey dog. No, it's just... It's a Chinese Asian man. It's not Chinese. It's just an Asian man. They sat there and they were like, okay, so we know Rick, and there was like four seconds pause

before someone had the courage to be like, Rick's Korean man. We can't. Please don't make it a movie. But they do. Rick's there like, I am Chairman Mo. We need Kim Il Sung later. And he was like, it's fine.

Because they had two Korean friends. And Rick didn't see what was coming, but Kevin did. Kevin was like, oh, I'll be Kim Il Sung. Rick was like, that's weird. And they were like, oh, Rick, so we've got one other part. Fuck. Kevin. Gifting culture.

That what didn't make sense. It was just a three-beam. So you're good, yeah. I know you got to earn it. I got to earn it. I got to earn it. So this is also where we learned so that they come up to Shane at one point, because he's still asking everybody

where he is. And Mao Zed also going like, you're in fucking hell. I'm Mao Zedou, where the hell else would you be, dude? Flames, demons, come on. And then one of the demons comes up and he goes, wait a minute, how did you miss hell orientation? They have an orientation in hell. An orient, like, oh, hello, I didn't see you. Like, like, a video.

Honestly. The TGI fri. Yes. Sorry, wrong script. Wrong script. The demons had rolled out a TV, like a hungover English teacher. Just like, oh. We learn about first sin, first out, or something.

Yeah. But no, they tell them nobody's, ebbs. I'm just home, Eli still doing visual humor. I'm just a little mistreated. Shoulda come to the live show. Yeah. Right?

And then all of these fine people. I took a COVID test, and as far as the at 4 in the morning for you, people. Yes. You're welcome. No worries. It's positive by the way. Yeah, I don't want to tell you how it came out.

No saying, you're welcome. Spoiler alert, that's why we required masks. Yes. Just kidding. I don't have COVID anymore you how it came out. Spoiler alert, that's why we required masks. Just kidding. I don't have COVID anymore. That test was yesterday. Yeah, right. Right.

And then he tells you says that if you have a live show, you can go and do it. So anyway, so this is where Shane explains, of course, that he's Christian, so he's not even supposed to be here today. He starts hitting himself in the head to try to wake himself up. I can't tell if they're going for humor here or not, honestly. Okay, I have a quick question.

Does Shane get into a fight with himself? Because I would like to reenact what I saw. He was like, you want to go on with the fucker? Like he's rolling around on the ground with himself by the end of the scene. Or poor. Crafmega. But we get, but so he doesn't manage to wake himself up.

So now we cut to five days before Hell, where at a fancy hotel in Vegas now, my audio note here is five people trying to sound like a large group of blotting. It's also wonderful. This is where we get what was almost my best worst, which is best worst idea of what rich is. And in this movie's case, it's like,

here I am, it's circus, circus. The nicest casino in Las Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. They have nickel and penny slots. A guy died in the elevator. His wife left him. But they can't get him down because he's counterweighting at this point. You got a picture.

Audience at home, Eli is now calling back to visual bits he did earlier it's just good you're gonna be like the Charlie Day meme in a minute here but apparently yes so he works for a private equity firm that announces their promotions on some horneographic game shows set or something and he's getting promoted right now. His speech for his promotion is amazing. It's like, you know, I am so much better than you guys that they promoted me. And then the audience goes crazy, you are better than us.

Woo! Make some karate kid bad guy day references. Yeah, he says sweep the leg to pump up the audience. I was like, I feel like there are winning catch phrases that villains didn't say before they injured a child. And then we cut to his fancy house, his fancy pool, and it is now four days before hell. Okay, perverts, perverts. If you haven't watched this movie, it's the Tushy set.

Okay, and it's like word for moment for moment, scene for scene. I've been in this house, and VR. Absolutely, we've all been in this house. They're trying to move those very conspicuous chairs out of the way, but this is the Tushies. I expect a sponsorship. Like, you know, they thank the Marines and the Navy at the end of like Iron Man movies.

I wanted like, and thanks to Tushie.com for the use of your mansion. I love to this. So the first thing that happens here is he's standing at the balcony looking out over the beautiful view or whatever it is. Why have come so many? She goes, you're up awful early, but it's so very clearly too in the afternoon. Yeah.

So what time do you usually get up, man? That's not weird. People get up when they get up, man. That's not weird. He will get up when they get up. But he goes, he's like, you know, it's so weird. I finally got that big promotion and I still have this weirdly shaped hole in my heart. It's just not fulfilling me. I have money, success, fucking atheism, but I just, I'm missing something.

It rhymes with dog's glove. I don't know what. It's right here in the tone region. So, yeah, and of course the wife, she is amazing. Because every single... I wasn't doing a bit, it's good. You can't be going. No, it's good.

I actually want that to be a betty. Right. You're doing that, I need that to be a bet. OK. But the wife, every single time we see her, will turn to him and say, some variation of, we should serve the Lord now more. And he will say, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what I say when vulgarity for charity comes around every year, so I get it.

You mean in years, just do matrion again. Speaking of which, it is matrion, and I'd like to thank everyone out there. Yeah! Just a quick, we have 10 minutes. It's fine. No, no, we're good. I'll do my Neil Gorsuch impersonation. Okay, like can I... Go ahead. Eli did not do a physical bit just now. So, but Eli, I'm going to attempt you back because the next scene is the one where they start off singing amazing grace.

Yes! I almost went with best words to amazing grace. Yeah, right. It is, you could line up prisoners about to be shot in some kind of mass graves and be like, all right, everyone, amazing grace. And it would be better than this. Oh, yeah. Also, everyone in this church is, you hit the character randomizer on Elden Ring. Well, after you put an exclusion for black, though, right? Yeah. This is this diverse group of people as you could possibly have without there being any black people in it. Like Canada. Um,

so that but they're at this, they're at this church now they sit down and we're going to get this sermon from their preacher guy. And he starts off by saying, did you know that more than 50% of Christians don't believe in hell? Maybe more. Look, but the fuck you talking about maybe you can't Google this shit. I Googled it is more than that. I wish all preachers started their stuff that way now. They were just like,

do you know how many people are women? Nine. Anyway, it's back to this boring book. Slaves are eight dollars. This book's bad. So yeah, but so the preacher talks about hell and about how you know you could be in hell by the end of this movie who even knows, right? So then we get Shane and his wife leaving and he's going like man that fucking sermon about hell was stupid.

I'm not going to go to hell later in this movie. What the fuck are you even talking about? Does he make sense? Yeah, Shane makes the face that he makes at me when he's trying to escape a boring conversation in an atheist convention. The entire time he's just like... I know you've seen me patting my head. We'll greet on this. Just pick up my baby and walk away. So yeah, but so he's stopped by the priest. He's in the middle of talking.

We really do. We do. They kick us out of the circle. But he walks by the priest while he's talking about what a shitty sermon that was and how hell is stupid. And then he comes across the homeless guy. And we're going to meet this homeless guy. This was the wardrobe director's moment to shine, yo. They had some fun, homelessness, up this guy. Absolutely. The wardrobe director was like, homeless people, they're always painting. Right?

He has this. They paint? Well, everything they paint white things. Yeah, okay. Painting houses, college sweatshirts, the homelessness motto. Yeah. So he comes up and he's like, you guys spare some change. And Shane is like, no, you're gross.

Go away. And then doesn't he say, why does God let people be homeless? And then he realizes these like, fuck, movies losing it to itself with that and they just cut and they move away they do this several times well so but what he really is saying the way he phrases it is why does God let bombs use all that same oxygen that I'm using gross right that's yeah he uses the term cockroaches to describe them. So we established that.

He's a Christian, he goes to church, but then he walks out of church, calls the homeless people cockroaches and wishes that he could genocide them. In case you didn't catch that, we're gonna establish that about 11 more times before the movie's over. But before we get that,

we have to get actual hell orientation. Yes, this is where we learn that they only had one demon costume So there's a demon and a demon costume, but then there's just Craig in a t-shirt. Yep Sweep it like yeah, that's casual Friday for somebody. I don't know Welcome to hell my days Well, no, but this is Legion. He has like the legit sounding British accent He has the accent the other guy was going for. Yeah, but he's like a British CrossFit trainer who's obnoxious, he's a cyclist or whatever.

I hate him so much. This was a good choice for him. I'm amazed that hell induction didn't include like fruit as poison, man. I'll tell you. But as well he's candy bar. So yeah, but they're doing the orientation and one of the women, the only,

as our favorite listener, April Poff pointed out the only woman in all of hell I'm honestly that's probably that may try to about right So she starts crying and talking about how she's a good person and the demon gives her the Tom Hanks There's no crying in health speech, right? Yeah, and this is where we learn that Rufus is, he's got exactly as many moves as Indiana Jones. Yup. Every time somebody gets, like, up, he gets upset with somebody,

he gives him a right hook. Oh, does he also do the headbutt? He's the headbutt guy too. Oh, does he do that? Yeah, but he has a headbutt. Oh, okay. He's a 75-year-old demon who punches and headbutts and my favorite part about this guy is he's wearing

the exact shoes of Eli Bosnick right now, actually. Yeah. He also has the exact body of Eli Bosnick, so it's similar. He's very clearly supposed to be scary, but he like lumbars over him and he's like, oh, you shut up! And then he's like a little winded as an actor. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, do we have any shorter people like a punch? Like a kid, maybe there's a kid in hell? There are kids in hell, right? This should be. There are kids in hell in this movie. Cool, yeah. One of them, a punch one. A punch two.

So, but then he goes along with it, you know, he's like, raise your hand if you don't think you belong here in hell. And of course, everybody raises their hand except one guy. That's awesome. That one guy. I want that guy's movie. So honest.

Or he's like, yeah, fight. I mean, if they're keeping track of anything, I'm saying I'm gonna be here. No, no, I get it. It started as gifting culture, but it really spun out of control. That's on me. So yeah, but he explains then that that in hell they're going to work all the time every

day. And I'm like, okay, so hell is like being an employee at pretty much any point in history. It's capitalism. Right. Yeah, that's capitalism so far. Which, okay. All right. Still several points above an Amazon warehouse at this point.

Yeah. For sure. So, okay, so now we're going to cut to three days before hell. The day before he was getting his big promotion, today he is endorsing a political candidate. Mm-hmm. Right, he's given this big speech where he's, he starts talking about how the biggest problem

facing our nation today is noise pollution. I see he's running on the same campaign as I am. I get it. He came out against fireworks. I'd be like, all right, let's give this movie a chance. And this is what we started. This is an amazing pattern. Well, I guess we've already started it with this character where he's we're supposed to

be establishing that he says he's a Christian, but he's not really a very good person, but they go so overboard because let's face it, most Christians are such terrible fucking people, right? That they actually have to like go way overboard before they're not just describing their own audience. So they have him like doing his big speech and saying, and you know what else is we should execute all the credit guard scammers, huh? And the audience is like, woo, ex-cute credit guard scammers! Scammers, huh? And the audience is like, woo, I'm scared credit card scammers. We're getting scared.

Oh, crap. Yeah. It was one of the many times in this movie that I was like, OK, what political bent is this movie going for? Pro credit card scammers? Well, they're just left of murdering them. Yeah, I think so.

So yeah, but we get that speech. And then we get that speech and then we get his wife the next day. This is this next day, by the way, will still be three days before hell. Trust me. So the next day, she's like, you know, I didn't care for your speech last night where you talked about executing credit card scammers. And he's like, really, you didn't? She's like, you know, God is not a politician. You shouldn't have mentioned God. And like that, you your fucking problem with that speech. Yeah, she says, where are your fruits at one point?

Yeah. Where are your fruits? And I wrote in my notes, I feel like this is not the first time someone said, where are your fruits on this set? A lot of come on that tabletop. And she says, of course, because she's the same person in the movie that's correct She says you know, we're in a spiritual battle right now and most Christians aren't even aware of it It's I do like to walk past like churches with people and like pretend I'm doing evil magic for a second

Okay, and then like run away. Yeah, right. I like to pretend to hit a force field right like you're gonna turn and Turn my mirror way into force field, right? Like you're gonna turn and boom. Turn and mine your way into the box. Right. And then the movie very quickly tries to win us back with a corgi. It tries to win Heath back with a corgi. Oh fat corgi. In fairness, it works. Fat corgi is the life of it. It was a pretty cute corgi.

Here's the thing, if you're making a Christian movie and you're trying to say that intelligent design is real, don't put a corgi in it. Corgi's are indisputable proof of non-intelligent design at best. It's adorable, stupid design. They're great. I love this scene. And this corgi is carrying some COVID weight. Like, let's be real.

Yeah. Yeah. So there's this lovely young lady that's walking her corgi down the beach and Shane Caesar and she's like, oh my God, are you that famous private equity firm middle manager? Are you the middle manager of an equity firm in Vegas that I saw in Forbes? Will you sign my label? It's ridiculous. She says, no, she says that I saw on Forbes. They have a TikTok guy.

Yes, but I saw on Forbes. What a thing you're down if you got your start because you're that owned and emerald mine convicted of real-the-roll slavery. So. And also, I love this moment because I feel like this was in the dude's contract. Like this was his way. Like, you don't have to pay me. But at some point, a very attractive woman has to say to me, hey, all that working out seems to really be paying off for you. So there's no, again, they shot on a porn

set. This is the most degrading thing a woman has done in this building. A woman was showering the human feces off her chest and watching this scene and being like, oh girl, there's Yuck. Yuck. He looks like the Noid. Ha it's just like before you watch me read the Bible real quick, before you go to work. You don't have to read the Bible with just watch me read them. And then, okay, and then we go back to church, which again, this is the third day. This is the second day of the third day, but this is the third day. We already went to church the day before. So, he's not going to church two days in a row, right?

I'm starting to envy hell. No shit. I can carry some rocks. So yeah. But this is the most amazing thing I think I've ever seen. This is one of the laziest based on a book, fucking things we have ever encountered. The pastor starts quoting from the book that this movie is based on.

So yeah, basically the preacher just comes out and says, now imagine this movie is premise if you will. Hell is a real place in this movie. Out! Forthball! Oh! I hurt my Christian head. In the line, like, Wood and Atheist who goes to hell and learns that hell is real, would they use their second chance to become a Christian guy? Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. And yes, right?

If you're an Atheist, you literally go to hell and see that. Of course, you're like, oh, you're God, and you showed me, I'd become a Christian, but like, would a Christian meet Jewish God and be like, yeah, I'm Jewish? No, they wouldn't. No. I feel like they would. I feel like they would. Maybe. See, my plan if I end up in hell is I'm going to pretend I'm into it the whole time and wreck it for them. Yeah. Just be like, I made it to happen. I'll be like what? And I was always into being burned. And I'll be like, fuck. He's got us there. Gifting culture.

So they leave church again. And once again, Shane is bitching about how he doesn't like this preacher that's always talking about hell. He would prefer one of those prosperity gospels that he sees on the TV. He would rather go to one of those churches. And his wife says, well, look, hell is real. That's the whole premise of the fucking movie.

I don't know what to tell you. And God is coming back any minute. And I wrote in my notes, Christians now and also literally 2000 years ago. And also 2000 years from now, I'm going on record now. She says that. And then she looks around. She's like, God, it's come back any minute.

And then nothing happens. She thought she did a magic trick. And she's like, hey. I wanted God to walk out of the porn pantry, just like with a bucket of popcorn. She's like, no, not now. No, I'm just, I was a crafty. So just, all right. So then we go back to him at home.

He's business really hard on the phone, right? This is still, this is the next day, still three days from hell. They're understanding of business is so silly here. Again, he's a, they don't know what private equity means. No, but he's a private equity guy, so he's like, our offer is 120 million, not a penny less. So in the reality of this movie, they were selling something

and somebody called the equity firm and was like, come on, 119 million. 99,9999 and they said, no, that's not the beginning. No, no, exactly. And then we catch back up with the opening scene where they find out that Shane's dead, but then later we won't have done that. So I feel like the movie just asks for a do-over.

So I'm inclined to give it to him. So we're going to pause for just a second while they set the board back up and shit, but we're back in a minute with even more journey to hell. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Hey podcast listener, as you might guess, planning a live show can be a pretty stressful ordeal. Eli, where are the t-shirts?

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Heh heh heh. You gotta believe me. There's gotta be a mistake. I was a Christian. I swear. You fool. Everyone says that down here. Nobody thinks they belong in hell.

Uh, sorry? Oh yes, what's your excuse? Oh, no, I actually didn't want to interrupt, but I do actually think I belong down here in hell. You do? Oh, yeah, definitely. I used to... Jesus, dude, gross. Yeah, you guys do not know the half of it. So eventually that's not doing it for me. So I had to start You're a monster. I'm gonna be sick. You literally make me sick. Yeah, yeah, I know I know I get that a lot Okay, that's enough everyone except that guy says that they don't belong here, okay? So back to your punishments. Also a big fan of zip lining. Can I get a different chair? Yeah, why don't you just splooch up here next to me.

Thanks. And we're back live from Toronto. And so now we're going to rejoin Shane in hell on his second day. This is where they really start to dig into the break policy in hell. Now this is the first thing they tell us is there are no breaks in hell. This will turn out not to be remotely fucking true. No. The job is throwing rocks into a lake. I want people to be like, skipping stones along the lake. This is fun. Like, what would happen if you stopped doing that?

And they yell and I'm like, we put you in a timeout. I don't know. We didn't think hell through. What I wanted to see at this point though, was a guy in hell who likes being whipped in the minions like didn't know what to do. I feel like I would confuse people in hell if I got there. Helly, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Now, we should also point out, by the way, that when we say that their job is to throw rocks

into the lake of fire, that's what they're going to be doing through the home movie. But apparently nobody wanted to spring for the big fake rocks. So it went through this little tiny ass rocks that are the size of a, like, a loaf of bread, and everybody has to selectively remember to pretend that they're very, very heavy. And their spacework skills are not strong. They do so badly. Some people are like, oh, I can barely lift, and some people are like, oh, guys actually strong. It's like watching nine-year-olds playing. Then one guy's just like I actually can take two because I am a superman and I have all the clips tonight. So I put two walks

into hell. Then knocks you down. This is gifting coach. Also at this point Shane do you know who I am's hell. He pulls a full Ted Cruz. you know who I am's hell? He pulls a full Ted Cruz, he's like I'm a Christian, I went to church two days in a row in the flashbacks. He goes full Ted Cruz in that he asks who he is and he deserves to be in hell. Yes. Oh I wish I was about to transition to the part where the zodiac killer was here I'm

not. Instead we're going to transition now to where the part where the zodiac killer was here, I'm not. Instead, we're gonna transition now to where the part where he meets Nero. By the way, we mentioned this slightly when we met Chairman Mao, but everyone will walk up and they don't look enough like the person and they don't have the costume, right? So this guy just has a bed sheet and is like,

hello, and Shane's like, I wasn't paying attention. I look like the muppet that goes, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And he's like, oh, no, that's a good point. I'm Nero and he's like, hello, and Shane's like, I wasn't paying attention. I look like the muppet that goes, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and he's like, oh, now that's a good point. I'm Nero and he's like, who? And he's like, right. Right, yeah. So this is also where we learn that these people don't know

how months, days, and weeks work. This is a direct fucking quote from the movie. He says, to Nero, he's like, you've been here like 2,000 years, huh? And Nero says, and I quote, 2,000 years, eight weeks, 12 days. 19, 100 years, four score and seven years ago. That's negative, four score and seven years plus now,'s negative. Four score seven years plus now. 13 years.

Spive, fortnight. What the fuck am I doing? To be fair, Julian hasn't come along and fucked up my calendar yet, I really. I needed on my first try, tellin' ya. The castle run in 12 parts. Six. That doesn't make sense either.

You think Han Solo went to hell? We're running 12 parsecs. That doesn't make sense either. Do you think Han Solo went to hell? Oh yeah, he shot first. No. So yes, so we meet Nero and Nero is there, by the way, to tell him, like, you know, I've killed a lot of Christians. You're no true Christian. You wouldn't have died for Christ.

And he's like, oh, yeah, no, I guess I wouldn't have. This is also where we meet Pastor Jack. We met him briefly at the orientation earlier, but that's his black friend in hell. And in life, the movie makers. We had two, he always had Michael, the guy he fires later. That's true, yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

And so, but he has to argue with Pastor Jack, and he's like, hey, man, I'm a Christian. We firmly established that I went to church two days in a fucking row. Why am I in hell? And he's like, it's not enough to just accept Jesus Christ into your heart. And he's like, that's the whole fucking thing.

That's the whole thing. That's why we did a split off religion from Judaism. Yes. They kept asking us to do stuff. We nailed the guy to a lowercase team for this jack. Follow along. I'm sorry. Woo!

That was the game. This is also where we learn that there's no sleep in hell and I'm like, well, that's nice. That's pretty nifty, right? I'm all right with that. And then Shane tries to cry and we're all in hell for a minute. Ooh. Okay, so Shane Wondersoff, because apparently you're allowed to go wherever the fuck you want and hell, and this is where we meet Hitler.

Now this is probably only funny to me, but the guy that they got to play Hitler looks almost exactly like my father and mom. And he also has exactly as much of a German accent. So it was a weird one for me. So, but why did they go with like an 80 year old guy to play Hitler? Hitler didn't make it to 80? Yeah. I feel like he already had the costume. You know what I'm saying? Like he showed up to the shoot day and they were like,

who hired him and they were like, oh no, that's just Rick. My nephew's a congressman from North Carolina. Do you want to watch his sexy? I wouldn't like to. Look at him go. Go on a town on his cousin's face. That's his cousin if you can believe this shit So he tacit up on his computer. I was just wanting to it's gifting culture

So yeah, but so Hitler stop Shane and he's like so how's Germany doing? It's good. It's good It's like I don't I don't fucking Hitler, man. Strong social safety. I don't know why you at your Hitler. We're both here. This makes sense. It brings up the question of what answer Hitler would want, right? Right. If you were like, oh no, universal health care is going well, really well there.

He'd be like, how did I feel about that? Not a Udon? Ah. And then, oh, this is where we find out where they really spent the crowdfunding money on this movie. This is where Legion flies in with his little bat wind. Yes! This is the greatest.

It's nice to see that the guy from international guerrillas and cultures of horror is still getting work, right? It's a man, it takes so long. Everybody's just like, oh, here comes Legion. Just talk amongst yourselves for a bit. He's gonna. He's like when an old person comes to dinner and there's a thing before they sit down,

that's how Legion lands. He's like, okay, grandma. Oh no, she's like six feet away, man. You pulled out the chair way too, so. Yeah. Yeah, but so the demons explain to him that he wasn't... You push her over. I pushed her over. Okay, I figured you might.

My son caught her from the earlier space work. That's why I gave him the dollar. The visual bits are literally stacking up at this point. So yeah, but so Shane drops to his knees and he apologizes to God and he's like, okay, please, please, please take me out of hell and they're like, no, it doesn't work like that Bible quote, right? And then as I predicted, when we went like three days into three days before hell, we now cut to two days before hell.

Sometimes days stack on top of each other. You know how it is. And we meet Shane and Hannah leaving a Christian movie together. And she's defending it. Yes. And they're trying to do like this meta thing right there. Like, well, of course, it had terrible effects and bad acting, but it was winning minds to Christ.

So it's OK. Movie just pins the participation trophy on itself. We tried our best and that's all that mattered. The movie, though, is literally saying, if you give us a bad review, you will burn in hell. That's literally, like, I've never had a movie literally tell us that before I don't think. That's my new policy for iTunes reviews,

though, anything less than five stars. Go to hell. Fair. Fair. And then, so, of course, we once again have to establish that he may call himself a Christian, but he's no real Christian. Because this is where he gets really angry at somebody driving by playing music that he doesn't like and wishes that they could murder all the people who don't play Mozart.

Was that it? Were they trying to be anti-Motesart? Like what's another stupid fucking atheist thing? Wolfgang Omnities Mozart, Gross, no talent. Like some fucking nickel-backed atheists assholes with your classical music and your quiet cards. Oh, and then we get to see his sweet worst that they rented for the weekend.

Oh, yeah. This is so fucking stupid. But again, like Eli was saying, the way that this movie thinks being rich works, he pulls up and he's like, huh, Porsche. And the way he's like, where did you get that, he says, and I quote,

the director of the Fast and Furious just gave it to me. It was in the movie. No, liar. Lire, no, it's not. No, it's not. There's two porches in the entire franchise. The GT3 and the Cayman. This is neither.

Stupid. Stupid movie moment. This movie is not realistic at all. Tom, read a book movie. But the, but the wife goes, we already have 10 cars. We don't need this one. Which implies that she felt like 10 cars was a good amount to us. I'm not sure.

No, because you know when you take the car, and I take the car, and the seven dwarves take the car. So, and then she says, again, I have to just quote directly from the movie, she says, this car could have gone to helping people with COVID in Africa or to send Bibles to Afghanistan. I'm like, wait a think of a worse use than sitting in the garage with the other 10 cars.

Yeah. Also, in response to hearing about Africa and Afghanistan, he said, Africa and India aren't my response. They think Afghanistan is heard of in India. Just to review. Just to review. This movie thinks Forbes is a TikTok movie? They don't know about months.

Nope. Conceptually, and they think Afghanistan is part of India. So... And they think there's a God. I like how they hedge their bets with the COVID deniers in their audience though. They were like, we can help people with COVID in Africa. Yes. Yes. We would never trample on your rights. So, okay. So now we cut back to hell where Legion is given Shane a little tour now, Aalha Dante. And he's going to take him down this long flight of Hellsters where upon they're going to

come across Kim Il Sung. This is where the movie has to admit, he's turned it at a fucking Christian, if he can believe that. Legion sort of mumbles it under his breath. He's like, he was a preacher, but we don't like him anymore. Yeah.

And then yeah, he's like, this is, boy, hell is pretty bad. And he's like, oh, you wait until it levels up, right? This is just Hades. It's going to level up the full hell after Jesus comes back. If you go down one more flight, it's just the movie watching itself. So, fuck.

All right. It's buffering a lot, though. And many says he's like, okay, so they meet Kim Il-sung, Kim Il-sung, he yells about how he's a god. Apparently if you're bad enough, you just get to like yell at other people when you get to hell. It's a weird lesson, right? Yeah, like, you're like the assistant to the regional furniture, if you genocide enough. Right. And we're just thinking about you. Yeah, like that actually explains a lot of Christian history, though, if you think about it like that.

So then they got, they decided to go to, again, this is their term for the place, the place of least torment. Way to go guys, you don't need to keep working on that name. And this is the section of hell where the people who have never heard of Jesus go. They still have a hell for those people. Yeah. So he shows them the guy who scammed his credit card

at one point, he's like, yeah, that guy hadn't heard of Jesus. I wanted them to pan over and it's like, oh, and that's like 900 million early hominids. Oh, it's a lot. We have a big, we don't think it through. It's so many. Just a Neanderthal.

Neanderthal. Neanderthal, he or she. For those of you listening at home. Gifting e-car on me. So yeah, so, and we also learn, this is where they have the guy who, again, I'm voting from the movie here, slows down your iPhone when the new one comes out. Okay, I agreed with this moment in the movie. Sure.

But isn't it odd that that guy's never heard of Jesus? I feel like that would have come up at some point. Yeah, and of course all the punishments are silly. Like he has to have a phone glued to his hands at all times or some dumb shit That's all they've got. So and then he takes they made a whole big deal the last time he walked down the stairs to say This is the lowest level of hell, but then he walks down another fucking planet stairs. Now it's the real lowest level. Double in time's infinity. Double secret fuck.

All right. Circle circle dot dot lowest of hell. And we didn't mention it before, but when you were talking about what he's bitching about noise pollution earlier, he said the worst sounds were, again, quoting the movie, a Harley bike, a leaf blower, and a doberman barking. Those were the worst sounds. So then we hear, he's walked down into the lowest, lowest level of hell, and we hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner, right?

Very clearly a vacuum cleaner, like a hand vacuum. Yes, yeah, exactly. And he goes, oh my God, what's that sound in the demons? Like, it's a combination of a Harley-Bike Elite Blower, a Doberman Barking, and a Bratty Baby. And I mean, that was the fucking vacuum cleaner. Like, and Morgan, Kevin, back me up. It would be pretty easy to combine the sounds

of a fucking Harley-Bike Elite Blower, a Doberman Barking and a Baby, right? Like, I'm a fucking hot castor and I can do that. Also, how is that hell his pet peeves at this point? And it's like, that's the sound of failing at CAPSHA because there was actually a bike in the corner. Welcome to the level of hell where you get a five on word.

Oh, now you eat a banana a day early. It could have been a little bit riper. Open a soda can and the top it opens with the top thing comes off and you're like, what the fuck do I do with this cow? And there's that tiny little sharp thing and you're like, why is there, there's gotta be a better way of opening so It's not world war two anymore. We're not saving aluminum for the fight against Hitler Is this USB-A? What the fuck?

So why would it not be symmetrical? Stupid How did you like the live show? Well, he and Eli started talking about their pet peeves. Eli doesn't laugh at me in them. That's the rest of the news to be like. Tear back to the... So, oh, also among the guests in hell

is the pharmaceutical executive that decided not to cure cancer or the common cold. It's like been the guy who faked the moon landing is going to show up any second now in their hell. Oh, but it's even fucking worse. It's the Columbine killers that we meet next. I'm very tasteful. There's an amazing moment here where Shane is like, oh yeah, well two of your victims

went to heaven. Sorry. Two. Yes. There were more than two victims, right? Oh yeah. I was pretty sure that was the case. So I was like, oh, are we gonna meet the victims

that went to hell? Yes. Someone just walks up and slaps one of the Columbine kids in the head. Pfft! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I'm one of the victims who didn't go to heaven! My notebook was full of boobs!

That's a god-awful movie's deep cut. If you get that joke, I'm really sorry. I don't get that joke. Is she true that teardrops and they were like, that's something to say to kids? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm really sorry. I don't get that joke. When she drew the tear drops and they were like, that's something to say. Yeah, yeah. No, I got it. I got it.

I was following you. I feel sorry for me, too. Thank you. Poppet Heath would have known the reference. My puppet was on that episode. That happened. Audience at home, he's referring back to something that happened well. We were at a break, and you and you don't know about because you didn't come to the live show

So now believe it or not you can descend into a lower level of hell It's so fucking stupid But he goes they walk in and he goes this is worse than my worst nightmare and they're like in what way he's like hotter as much hotter thirsty. He says it's like being in the world trade center during 9-11. That's jet fuel doesn't burn that hot. Does it make sense? I wanted a guy to walk over and start explaining that and it's like, okay, you belong here. I got it. What's that about Ein Rand? Yeah, I'm sure. Fair enough.

How does the blockchain work? I mean, more progress. I love this. But instead, this is where we meet Judas Iscariot. Right? Yeah, right? Should he be in hell, though? Hit the whole fucking religion relies on him doing what he did. Thank you. Yes. He's a hero of Christianity

I wanted them to pan over to like another guy's like yeah We also have the guy who refused to Nargon Jesus Right, you fucked up our whole thing really and we had to find this guy Nargon Jesus if I took Fred Alan's just like damn damn if you do, damn if you don't, right? What are you gonna do? Yeah, but they ask him, they say Judas, why did you betray Jesus?

And he's like, I did it for the money. And I wrote my nose, I was like, he didn't do it for the money. I didn't. Guys, it's your religion, your friends. Why don't we know so much more about it than you? So yeah, Shane cries about how he'd like to do over because again, he's like, I'm not as bad as Judas Iscariot and the movie's like, no, you kind of are. Now, we've been under blame that

but that's the message over and over again, right? He runs into Hitler, he runs into Kim Ilson and he goes like, why am I in the same place as these people in their life because according to Jesus, you're every bit as bad as these people? And they're like, because according to Jesus, you're every bit as bad as these people. And I'm like, well, then we shouldn't listen to that guy about morality, right?

That's the lesson we should be taking away here. Yeah, this movie might as well be called, I know this makes no fucking sense, but. Yeah. If you go with our fictional conceit. But then, so yeah, he says he wants to do over, Legion says that he had over two million chances to be saved. The guy's like 40, right?

Yeah. That's like somebody mentioned Jesus wants every 10 minutes for his parents. And each time he was like, no, absolutely not. I mean, honestly, from what we've seen of his life, I was gonna say, yeah. Are you asleep? Yes, Jesus died for our sin.

Be our religion more. So, yeah, so then this is where Legion flies away in a manner that seems very inefficient. This is the greatest. It's so silly. He's trying to be so impactful. He's like, all right, I gotta go. Flap, flap, flap. Flap, he gets like this for-

You'll never flake then. First flap. Somebody's walking up a spiral stair passing, you know. Slake then first lap Somebody's walking up a spiral stair passing you know All right, so now we go back to the flashback it is now one day before hell all of our notes at this point are like come on Not that much more time before the end of the movie. Yeah, this will not be the last flashback, by the way. Why would you think it was, given how they do with numbers up to this point? So, we get Shane, we meet Shane, he's walking down the street, espousing eugenics to his black friend.

Okay. That's not an exaggeration though. Not at all. That's really, he's like, hey buddy, I had a thought. So, God is dead. I mean these we should Well hunt some poor people in a hedge made Nearly my exact words just now and I got to talk him down for the rest of the movie right and what's

Amazing is that the the under reaction from his friend Michael right like over and over again in this movie The this guy will just you know like Casually endorse Nazi ideology and everybody around him will be like, now Shane, don't be so rude. You know what he said? Classic Shane, always going on about genocide. His actual line is, come on Shane,

you sound like Scrooge, complaining about the surplus population. What does that mean? They're selling the good name of Scrooge complaining about the surplus population. What does that mean? They're selling the good name of Scrooge. Yeah, okay. Ultimately. Love ducktails.

Yeah. So. Yeah. Alright, Kurt Cameron. So. Why are there still ducks? This makes sense. Yeah, but this whole ends in him.

Like he does this whole big bit about how, if he was a dictator, the first thing he would do is kill all the homeless people. I'm not exaggerating for comic effect. That's what they have the character to say. And then his buddy is like, who you wanna go to our meeting? He's a two subordinates. or to say. And then his buddy is like, who you want to go to our meaning? He said to the subordinates, you get their early just what detail in the scene though, in the middle of their what they thought was a very serious philosophy talk,

a skateboarder. For the shot is like fuck your face, I hate Christianity. The boom, my guy has to jump back to the... They lose their audio, they lose their audio for like 10 seconds and they kept the whole thing. They kept that tape, yes. Oh, God, at the top right of the screen, the whole time I had to watch this on Vimeo, you had to buy it to watch it, so I apologize for all of you who had to do the same. Yeah, hopefully, hopefully some of you cheated.

At the top right, at the entire time on Vimeo, it would say, you own this. And I was just like, I know Vimeo! Thank you. I don't have to keep fucking telling me. It felt judging. It felt like Vimeo was judging me. Yes. I may, I donated to Planned Parenthood.

It was like an ethical carbon offset. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I stole this movie. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. Yeah.

Andrew, are we good? We're good. All right, Andrew's giving us the thumbs up there. You. You. All right, so yeah, we're safe. We're safe. Andrew, we're back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, so yeah, we're safe and we're back.

Tortiously interfere with this movie. All right, so Shane and his buddy Michael, they pull up for their big meeting and this is where he notices a dent on his portion. Now he notices the dent on the portion on the side that we're not looking at. And they did not have the money to dent that part. But he's so good. He's like, who dented my door? And the other guy's to be like, oh, you mean over here on this side of the car

that you haven't seen yet? Is that what you're doing? Yes, that's on the other side. And he walks around, he's like, get over here, where now I've seen it. Yes, I'm mad about that. He wants to throw the car away. And he's like, come on over here where now I've seen it. Yes, I'm mad about that. He wants to throw the car away, he's like, come on, I'm gonna drag it over to the trash.

It's mad now. It's dented, it's no good. So, yeah, he freaks out. He's like, it's all those damn immigrants in a homeless people look, they stole my registration sticker too. How do they think that works? I mean, these people don't know months are Forbes, so yeah, okay registration stickers way beyond that I just love the idea of Nick Cage being like going in 60 seconds

Yeah, but he screams and he yells and he talks about how They need to take out the useless eaters and that would fix this whole problem And I'm not gonna say this is what it was like walking around with Noah while he tried to find an instant COVID test this morning But that's what it was like while I walked around with Noa-chan. It wasn't racist. It wasn't. No, it wasn't. He was very clear about rexels and what he wanted to do.

Alright, well clearly Eli and I need to have an off stage whisper fight now, but first let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will the makers of this film ever get any numerical thing correct? Who would win at throwing rocks in a lake of fire between Heath and Eli? I'll play straight up. Will Shane ask for the detailed measurements of his employees' skulls?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the prolonged conclusion of Journey to Hell. So normally we would never make our live audience sit through an ad rate, right? We do those at home beforehand or we do them afterwards and we just insert the audio afterwards. But we're going to make an exception this time for you guys, because as many of you have noticed, Eli and Heath have kind of turned asking what each sponsor is into a blood sport. Eli, show me with a trink one time, like a neckdark. True, I did. Yep.

So I think you're- I still got the point that time. There's only one way, yeah, you did, because before you hit the ground, you did it out. Yeah, I got the point. But I did think there might be a way to put an end to this madness. And that would be by adding more than 200 new names to the spreadsheet.

You want it? You want it, yeah. Safe word, safe, what is our safe word? So, Banana, bring up further ado, our first sponsor this week is Hello Fred. Hello Fred! Hello Fred

That's right folks at home everyone who came to the live show now gets one point Andrew does under protest also with Hello fresh you get farm fresh preportioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Hello Fresh's chefs really know how to diversify your dinner menu with seasonal spring recipes like sweet, heat, shrimp here are bowls, Garden Spinach, Ricotta, Ravioli, and one pot, creamy lemon, dill, chicken soup. And don't forget to add items from the Hello Fresh Market, like lemon, ricotta, pancakes, or French macaroons to treat mom to some super yummy mother's day goodies. Okay, so we need personal experience? Okay, well, I feel personally betrayed by the audience, so I don't want to get it. No, so I mean, I'm in with Hello Fresh.

Okay, well, okay, we got a bag from them as a sample and they're very delicious. And easy to unpack. So go to HelloFresh.com slash Office 16 and use code Office 16 from the 16 three meals and three free gifts. So go to HelloFresh.com slash Office 16 and use the code word Office 16 from 16 three meals, three free gifts. That's right. He, he, yeah. I just realized we have everyone's name on Eventbrite.

We can add them to the sheet and stay on the note. Oh, yes! Bell continues. Bell, okay. Okay. We're gonna shoot you all the necktards. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And here is the fourth level of hell.

That guy over there is a murderer. Wow. Yes, but you murdered just as many people in your heart, so you and he are the same. Oh, really? We are? Yes. So say it the Lord. Oh, man. I should have murdered way more people. Wait, hold on, what? Well, if they're the same, I mean, I totally should have just murdered a bunch of people,

right? Ah, I got caught off in traffic so many times. No, no, that's the point is that you have to repent while you're alive, not that you should murder more people. Right, but there's like so many denominations of Christianity and they're all mutually exclusive. Right, but there's like so many denominations of Christianity and they're all mutually exclusive. Right, yeah. It's not like there's a clear way, even when you think you're a Christian, to know that you're the right kind of Christian, right?

I mean, I guess it is a little confusing, yeah. Right, so you're better off just, you know, doing all the murders that you want to do since you're statistically more likely to go to hell for murders you just didn't your head. But I feel like you really took the wrong lesson here. Is that the zip lining guy again? Yeah. Yeah, keep him away from me. He weirds me out. And we're back.

Oh, this isn't sweet. And we're going to rejoin the action the night before hell. And once again, Shane is in church. It's three out of the last four fucking days. But this time though, it's an evil mega church. Yeah, right? So the mega church preacher is standing up there going being poor is a sin He literally says being poor is a sin

Because that's the prosperity gospel also like who is this for in this movies? Oh you charged $30 for this movie on video Okay, Mr. Prosperity Gospel is bad $30. Yeah, I can buy movies on many vids for $30, sir. Shot on the same set. Yeah, right. So yeah, but Shane is just eating up this money as awesome preacher, right?

He says the preacher goes like, I know that God is going to bless somebody with big cars and a lot of money, but that somebody is going to give me $10,000 tonight. Sorry, I wanted to pause long enough to see what was going to work on any of you guys fucking fucking skeptic. Sorry, did somebody? No. I felt like you were leaning in. Is that the puppet? Sir. So... Ma'am?

You guys like the live show? It was weird. They ended it with an auction? That's... But if I can't shade, he can't wait. He pulls $10,000 cash out of his inside jacket box and starts to wave in it. Really wanted him to have $9,999?

Fuck! Can I borrow a dollar from anyone? We're not taking up any less. Yeah. I learned it from watching you. But he gives the $10,000 to the preacher and the wife is like, you're such a sucker. And he's like, well, you're given money to preachers too. She's like, but less.

But it's a larger percentage of my income, and I'm doing it out of fear, not joy. He's like, yikes. But of course, Shane argues that this preacher must be better because he's richer, right? I mean, that, if your guy is un-hypidant. And then we pull it down right, Kubrickian time cut at this point. And we rejoin Shane and Hal a thousand years later.

A thousand years later, this is so fucking stupid because he's still bitching about the same shit. Look, the 40 years you were on Earth right now is what? 0.0 something percent of your fucking life, and he's still bitching about that? Yeah, and it's a thousand years later in hell, and he sees an attractive woman and he's like, hey, weren't you in my orientation? 1,000 years ago! And I felt attacked by this relatable content

at this moment. I've seen Heath flirt worse. If I was in hell for a thousand years with this attractive woman, a thousand years later, I'd be like, hi. Stupid. I'll see you in another thousand. Orientation.

I have a podcast. What? Have you noticed how many babies there are down here? It's crazy. They have just little tiny rocks. I love this is maybe my favorite moment of them trying to act like Sisyphe scary. They're little tiny styrofoam rocks in Sic silly. And then, yeah, and then the evil pastor that he gave the money to

shows up, right? And he's like, oh, you're going to bitch with me about $10,000 again. He's like, you're damn right, I'm going to bitch with you about $10,000, fucking dollars again. We're in hell. I feel like if you can do anything, if you can talk about anything you want in hell, a thousand years later it's gotten fun. A thousand years later you're just like, you've made up a language and you're doing audio books in it. Scoon-doodle-doon fin cement event. A thousand years.

What else are you gonna do? You wouldn't invent a language. Get the fuck out of here. I'd pretend to have invented a language gonna do? You wouldn't invent a language. Get the fuck out of you. I'd pretend to have invented a language. You would pretend you're an angel. I'd fuck with people for at least a thousand years. For a while, you could get to it for a while. I'd pretend I was Hitler.

Yes. I am so you'll hit me. Stop it. So it really would be not much different than this day today. What a huge thing. It's a thing. I was just checking if I was in hell. Yeah, no, no. I get it.

I see. Heath was also checking to see if Eli was in hell. Listeners in home. So yeah, so the demons like, yeah, you should have listened to your wife about Jesus, but then they give him a little break, right? They're like, why don't you take a quick break? It's been a thousand years, we'll give you 15. Yeah, and it's so weird because he's like,

please just let me have a break. And they're like, there are no break. It's fine, sure, go ahead. You want to take a, do a leg of, I want to like a smoking girl that come out of a walk in French. This is not making my break shorter. No, Amber, your break is a shorter. You work at every restaurant.

Stop. You get fired for stealing. And you definitely go to hells. Just come everywhere on that set, too. Yeah. If you've ever been in dry storage, it's not dry. No. No.

It's not. Thank you restaurant people. And then, and there's some shows are more awkward when they die than others. I was with you front and back. House people have no idea what the fuck he was doing. I'm fucking. When we were talking about man, I was with you front and house people have no idea what the fuck he was doing. I'm talking about man, I was just going to go over

and be like, hey, what are you, these specials, and then we'd leave. So then, past your Jack show, so Shane hasn't seen him in 600 years. He's like, hey, buddy, and the demons are like, you're not allowed to have friends in hell. And they start beating them up for taking a break. Yeah, I wanted them to start like hacking that rule And the demons are like, you're not allowed to have friends in hell. And they start beating them up for taking a break. Yep.

Yeah. I wanted them to start hacking that role and being just yelling, friendly, stopping. Like, do you like grilled cheese sandwiches also? Yes. And to be a soup, fuck you. I love that that's your go-to example of what a friend's talk about. That's what friends talk about. Grilled cheese and soup. I love you. Welcome to Heat's seduction and friendship class.

In lesson one, you learned I saw you at orientation. Here in lesson two, we will cover, do you like these foods? Masterclass! So now this is also, this is where we meet the Zodiac Killer. And it's fucked up because the Zodiac Killer comes out and you know I killed only I've killed over 300 people in my life and she's like nah nah nah and he knows the exact number right off The top of his very creepy that's weird. Yeah, that's weird. I'm sorry. What was it? 47 37 37 37. Yeah, he's like no you only killed 37 You know look okay way more than that regardless of the number

I feel like that guy is like, well, at least I'm not a Republican senator from Texas. Yeah, I'm gonna say. Yeah, I'm gonna say. That mean maybe look like an asshole. So, and by the way, if you were thinking at any point here that maybe like the Columbine killers were a little too soon for them to be thrown in this movie.

This is where we meet the Las Vegas shooter. This was made three fucking years after that happened, y'all. Was that hard on you all here in Canada? You keep an eye on our country master's call. You have a lot of mass shootings, is that around here? Whoa. They have to watch ours like sports. They're like, oh, they did another one.

Huh, America did another one. Yeah. Yeah, no, we serve as a warning to Canada, I think, more than anything else. Don't let Doug Ford. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I'm so sorry. I'm doing nothing but Doug Ford jokes for the rest of the show. Oh, no, I got it. I got it. So, no speaking of Doug Ford, this is the point where he says, are you, okay, he's going for implying, he says applying, but he says, are you applying

that I'm just as evil as a mass murderer putting me in here with the Las Vegas shooter? And they're like, yes. We made a whole fucking movie about exactly that point. But this is where the movie does a little bit of a twist. Oh, is it? Yeah, we're gonna say twist.

Oh, okay, yes. Yeah, because this is where Shane starts to recognize the power of contrition. Yes. Because contrition gives hell demons diarrhea. So you out that he looked like he had diarrhea. I had that he looked like he was angrily sucking a tiny invisible dick. Ooh! But I think both of those are equally accurate depictions.

Well, no, I think he went for both. I think he went for both, and those were his two space work things that he could think of. And that was it. I had, this is like watching Heath watch Elizabeth Warren walk down some stairs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and hornyed. Aroused! There we go. We found it. And then, I'm jealous of this movie because it can just skip ahead 20,000 years later whatever it wants. So then the movie skips to 20,000 years hence.

And I gotta say his khakis are holding up great for 20,000 years old right but 20,000 21,000 years old right at this point so he's he's chatting with Pastry Jack about whatever happened to his horse 21,000 years Where are they right now Where are they right now? They're in hell, but like, they found a nice like secluded spot to relax and talk. I feel like in 20,000 years you find a nice

secluded spot, right? I get, I don't know, it's hell though. There's, it's their consular as a make up. Like, how do you say that? Hell has a neck and corner. So, and now apparently, Pastor Jack gets to initiate flashbacks

into Shane's life. Yeah. He's like, oh, he's like, you know, I'm a good person, I shouldn't have gone to hell. And Pastor Jack's like, really, you remember that hot chick with a little fat corgi? And so we go back to hot chick with a little fat corgi. That's not your fault at that point, the corgi.

Well, and I wrote my notes. I'm like, he's gonna lust after her in his heart, Izany. And that's exactly what happened. Yeah, right? Yeah, he clarifies. He's like, but I never had sex with her in the past, there's like, for some reason that doesn't care. It doesn't matter.

Which again, always implies you shouldn't have fucked her, dude. Right. You should have fucked her did right sure fucked her and the corgi doesn't matter here you see we're gonna go to hell anyway good point also the origin of this entire religion is when God knocked up a married lady that's true yeah well yeah Mary child thank you so I don't know what thank you if that's the right one. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Yeah. He did announce it with good news.

Yes. Hahaha. Yes. Don't plan your keen seniority yet. Yes. Jesus Christ. Hey, don't fuck man. I'm not my body right now.

You did not write the book. I'm in the town on. You did not write the book. In the town of the docky. So... manger. So then we cut to shame in a casino. And this is such a weird ass fucking thing to add, an hour and 11 minutes into their movie.

He's flirting with these two girls at a blackjack table and his wife's sister's husband's friend saw him flirt with the girl and then told his wife about it and now he feels bad about that. This is just being added to the movie again an hour and 15 minutes in like, you know what else? The guy's genocidal, why the fuck do we need an else? It matters, none. I did enjoy that he's flirting with a woman and she sees him win some hands of blackjack,

but then he loses one hand of blackjack. He goes all in on blackjack. That's nothing. That's nothing. Yes, you could push on. What it all on me. You wouldn't say all in. That's nothing. Yeah, man, that's how a thing. Yes, you could push on. You would all on me. You wouldn't say all in.

That's nothing. Yeah, man, that's how gambling works. It's not, you're not, you don't love the dealer out. The dealer doesn't fold in blackjack. Oh no, too rich for my blood. I'm the casino. Bye! So stupid.

We're gonna get a braver dealer who will be making this deal. What I'd sue will take you on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Exactly. Um. That's a make-a-wish kid. That was his make-a-wish. You're welcome. Yes. Cancer sucks. He died just now. You can't hear it at home, but he went...

Oh, we got it. He squeezed it in. Problem of evil, right? What are you going to do? I love this moment, too, because we get done with the little casino flashback shingles. Oh, I wish I could go back in time. And Pastor Jack goes, why? I don't know guy who's also in hell.

What a fuck do you think? You bet a lot of money on the Chicago Red Talks too. Chicago Red Talks is a said man it worth a joke played Doug Ford Gifting economy You come all the way around now. It's just yes You can use all catch phrases from this point out While it in my peter putter. I don't know what's happening Thank you.

So then we go back to Earthside and remember now we've been doing like action number of days before hell. Now it comes up in just like three hours before hell and I'm like guys at Zeno's movie. We're the ones in hell the whole time. This is never going to fucking end. That is genius if they actually did that. If they like each scene got half a second. Yeah, half a second. Besides.

Well, we know that there one day could last three days. So these three hours could go on for all of eternity. Yeah. So OK. So yeah, we go back to three hours beforehand. He's chilling with his buddy from before, wondering why homeless people exist and suck. Out loud for the second time that day.

Yes. Yup. Or the next business day. Yeah. I just wanna hear Michael's week, right? This friend who's just like, it was really fucking weird yesterday. He just like, talk to him about how much he wanted

to genocide homeless people. He gets into work and he's like, hey boss, are you ready to, so another thing about homeless people. Oh God. Yeah. I gotta update my LinkedIn. Well, yeah boy, doesn't it?

Because Michael's like, hey man, you know, you talk about genocide and homeless people. Oh, for a lot. You want to come to, um, to Bible study with me and he goes, you're fired. Like, you're fired. But that was the best thing I was.

It was. It was. Do you want to come to the Bible? You're fired. That's correct. Well. It was. It was. Do you want to come to the bottle? You're fired. That's correct. Well, that is what you do. Yes. If an employee that's the correct answer. That's the wet dream of a lot of this audience right now. So, but now let's be super clear though. This is like the eighth time this character is a do you want to go to my church and be my religion with me? Yes, you fire that motherfucker

That's the right thing to fucking do Yeah, I bet in canady actually do fire them other fucker Just like you fired Eventually they're gonna find out I have no idea who that person is I know I have no idea who that person is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He goes, I don't want to go to church, she goes, but we always go to church on Christmas Eve. I am ending this marriage. That's the next thing that happens. Yes, yes, but I'm sorry, I don't want to glaze over the fact that they just established in the middle of this scene,

at the end of all of this fucking movie that it's Christmas Eve. It's never come up that this was the week of Christmas. Yeah. Seems like it would have come up, okay. It's Christmas Eve on September 11th of 2001. What? Why? Why did you add that into the movie?

There's an earthquake happening right now. Stop adding to the movie. So... But yeah, but he hates Christianity and he hates Christmas and he hates Christmas even. He hates his wife and he wants to get divorced Right so he had Divorce Somebody sit there with her husband, isn't it so

So he takes up his ring he throws it away and he storms off that will be divorced by the way like an hour later They'll be signing papers. Yeah, they're going on the Talaq Talaq system here in this movie I didn't say the third one because I love my wife. It's sad. Oh, right. And this is a great moment too because apparently they recognize that you have to have this like, you know, everybody's like at the bottom now moment in the movie, right? So they show us all the named characters being sad, but they run out of characters so they

show us all the same characters being sad, but they run out of characters So they show us all the same characters being sad in the exact same order. Yes They had to have cuts. I feel like somebody like they all fucked up the idea Be sad for 10 seconds man. Just be sad and it was something crazy and They had to cut and show them again for like five years. You know somebody was like, could we show one of the demons being said, no! Yes! Everybody heard! Yes!

All right, so now we cut back to hell. It is now 50,000 years later. At this point, you fucked all the rocks. So, I mean, yeah. And Pastor Jack and Shane are sitting over in their little necking corner or whatever, and they're like, hey look, it's weird, what's going on over there? And we look and we can't tell, right? But there's some kind of commotion going on in hell.

We'll never find out what it is. This is just, it's here for its own fucking sake. We're done with that now It was antifa This is also I love this moment because he's she instilled bitching about his wife And how he should have listened to her and all of only only he could go back and do that You know whatever point zero zero seven percent of his life over again and at this point Astor Jack forgets mid carrying his rock to pretend that it's heavy. This is the worst it ever gets.

He gestures with it. Yeah. Take the sip out of it like a fine wine. I'm going to put this inside of me. But he says, he says at this point, he's like, you know, I feel terrible because I divorced my wife and she didn't want a penny. So I took all the money and then she got breast cancer

and she died. Because she couldn't afford the breast cancer, man, this is a friendless and alone. Yes. Right, but he divorced her three hours before he died. So, and that's, he threw the ring in the dish, three hours before he died. So in that three hour period of time, on Christmas Eve,

these two individuals got all the way divorced to the point where they had settled who got what money, and then she got breast cancer and died. I feel like Andrew Torres was involved in that. He was the lawyer for that one side, the one. I got, well, I got my client all $70 million and got his wife nothing but the breast cancer. So. Andrew Torres, I'll give your wife breast cancer. So, Andrew Torres, I'll give your wife breast cancer. Andrew, I'm already making

those business cards just so you know it's a website. It's a website. Andrew Torres, what do you have your wife breast cancer.com. Eli doesn't use notes anyway, so I mean, might as well use that computer present coffee so So yes, so he complains to to Pastor Jack and Pastor Jack's health of look man It's not just about being the right religion, okay? It's about being the right denomination Not that religion no, it's not about being a good person by the way that is not where we go You got to put that on like the cover of the Bible. It's just those two things. Yeah. It's like repent and I like, geez, that's the end tweet. Yes.

You gotta have that be the thing. That would be nice if the Bible would get to the fucking point. Yeah. So, okay. And then Shane Thomas is his rock into the lake of fire. But just then all of the bad guys,

the Hitler and Mao Zedong and the Columbine coast, they all show up and they're like, you know, we've been planning this for apparently 61,000 fucking years. We're jumping you today. Now, let's be fair to this movie. If the rest of this movie had just been Hitler, Mao Zedong, and the Columbine killers

kicking the shit out of shame, this is my favorite movie! They're only on my porn set. It's perfect. Yeah, right. So, yeah, but they were going to beat him up and they're just about to do it. And Legion shows up. And I feel like they have plenty of time to beat him up as he's landing, but they don't. He lands. He's like,

Legion, I have one last request, Shaynaz. He's like, I remember there's a loophole in the Bible where I get to talk to my wife because Lazarus was dead and he got to talk to somebody too. Like a phone call. Yeah. You get what? And the demon has to be like, fuck, technically.

We do have that one simple trick in hell. And he has to let him talk to his wife. Yeah, but he doesn't have to let his wife hear him, which is great. That's actually, that's pretty good. Go Legion. Right, he's like, all right, if you bow down and worship me, I'll let you talk to your wife. And he does, he's like, okay, he bounced down. He worships him. He's like, all right, you can talk to her. She's not going to fucking hear you, though.

We get a shot of the wife in heaven at this point. And a movie that is spent an hour and 40 minutes on hell is like, what's heaven? It is. She's in a green field. She spins around twice. And then she stands there and she's like, I don't know anything else. Join us to do it in the direction.

So just spin around again. It's OK. It's just. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. You know what, listeners? I'm just going to say that Eli made a blowjob fountain gesture and let you just decide on your own what he said what he has good for 35 years. It's her time Yeah, and then sorry, I have to scroll way down on my nose. I was hoping somebody else would have a joke Well, I was doing that and then

Doug Ford Thank you Yeah, no, it's a boo now. That's what you got. Boo, Heath when he says Doug Ford. Yeah. Because he's Ford Doug Ford. Why?

Why would you see that? Jordan Pearson. Yeah, you didn't know that. Michael J. Jay Fox Don Ford There you are All right Michael Jay Fox was the biggest they were like he's Canadian really the back to the future guy all right Leonard Cohen so Okay, I found one right Ryan Reynolds there you go

All right, how did you guys like the game live show? He's named Canadian people as best of good for like a minute. So that was the show. Well, it's gonna end better than the stupid fucking movie because then Shane wakes up on the beach and it was all a fucking dream. Oh! And yeah, right, the movie is like, really? That's the best we did.

That's like the example of a dumb ending though, isn't it? A 60,000 year long dream. Yes, yes. How great would it be if you woke up completely insane from 60,000 years of torture though? Right, right, like an inception or whatever after the unconstructed dream space bit. Sure. Yeah. And of course, he's like, wait, I'm alive. I can turn my life over to Jesus Christ now. Hurray. And he out yells the microphone and they keep it because they don't fucking know.

What day is it? Yes, young boy. Little Victorian kid just shows up on the beach. It's Christmas, huh? It's not too late. It literally technically is Christmas. It's been an opportunity in a stupid movie. This movie fucking blows, dude.

Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. No, I mean, fun of me in the live show and I died. Yes. So, he goes, wait, wait, my wife's alive and everybody else is like, I mean, the last time we fucking saw her, dude, what the hell did you do? And he goes, she's alive! And they all go, well of course she's alive. I can't quote in the movie, your lawyer just spoke to her.

You know, about your one hour Christmas Eve divorce. Andrew Torres, one hour Christmas Eve divorce. And dot com. Briskins are not included. So it's an add on like legal zoom. If you want the thing you got to push the button and he'll also give you breastkins. So he runs to his car.

Apparently they only had the Porsche for the weekend because he's not in that anymore. He's in a vet. The vet's nice. Nice vet. And then he pulls, oh, they also don't have the porn house anymore. Yes. No, browsers got the mansion back.

I know. So now they're fucking Kevin Sorbo's house in real life. Yeah. Someone's mom's condo. Yeah, no, it's also very nice. It's got a porch all the way around. So he runs in, by the way, this guy is running like a baby deer that's still trying to figure out

how all these legs work at the same time. He runs like a man who's gonna say, on your left when he jumps. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, yeah, and his wife is like,

Shane, what are you doing here? And it's like, it's been two hours, it's just, it's just, you haven't seen me for 60,000 years. I really wanted Michael to come out of the shower, drying his air. I mean, given the speed, everything moves in this movie's universe, that would have made a lot of sense. She's like, you know what, I finally signed those divorce papers you wanted me to sign

that you've been, I wasn't going to do it, but you taught to me, it's been two hours! You weren't locked into this, you didn't inherit this movie without having only been two hours. You could have made it months ago, or weeks ago if you chose to. Again, as we say so often, you're the fucking movie! If someone signs the divorce papers, you gave them faster than they can watch Dune, it's not gonna work out. But of course, he doesn't want the divorce paper anymore.

So he crumbles them up and throws them away. All that work that Andrew did. I don't even accept the breast cancer which we assume she will still get. She crumbles up the breast cancer. Red dye number five. That was a Canadian joke because you don't have it. It's fine. Well good.

And then that's fine. Okay. And that's great. I love that later. And Noah, as you're editing this out, DOOOOOOH! So... Oh, I don't... I don't edit out the ones that die like that. Oh, okay. Ah!

Ah! There's a red die number five activist in our audience. I have a whole supercut of those. It's called God awful. All right. So now, okay, we cut to him at church. So now five of the last six days, he's been at church. I guess it's Christmas, it makes sense.

And Shane answers the alter call. His wife is so sad, proud. He starts like falling down too soon, right? He starts bowing down. He's falling down in the middle of the island. Has to kind of scoot forward. It's done a fun. He starts trying to fly like Legion.

Flat, hard. It's a second. But now we have to have the like the post-scrush moment, right? So we have to see him being nice to everybody. He goes, he gives the Porsche to Michael. I want him Michael to go, it's got a big fucking dead in it, man. I don't want that. It's a registration sticker's been stored on it.

I'm not just here, we're trying to put on this shit off on me. I want the bet. He gives the homeless guy a job offer? Yes. I really wanted the homeless guy to be like wow man. They oh you you have blackout dates on your time off, huh? I got a lot of money from the government for COVID and again I don't want to work because this movie is halfway between good person and Republican and its goals or whatever, he doesn't offer the homeless guy a home, right, or money. This guy's got 11 fucking cars. He can't give the guy a few fucking dollars.

No, no. He always worked for it. He always does him a job for minimum wage like a wonka ticket. He prints it out. Yes, he printed it out. It says like one job. Also, he's like a financial money guy. So the homeless guy's gonna show up Monday

and be like, I think we should sell the stocks and buy some other ones. Is that? Are you guys done with those pants you're wearing? Mine have paint on them. Statistically, he does as well as the hedge fund people. You're right. So yeah, so he ugly,

ugly, crazy, ugly, crazy, got a little bit after being nice. And then we get the wrap up, and he and Han are enjoying a long walk down the beach. And he says, you know, thank God it was all a dream. But just then, Legion and the smaggy demon with the bad English accent walked by without their kiss makeup on, and they go like, or was it?

But I love that from the wife's perspective, he just sees two young handsome surfers walk by and he's like, thank God it was all a, eeeh. eeeh. eeeh. eeeh.e-e. She was like that meme where he's. Yeah, right. I wanted Hannah the wife to leave with the two of them and be like, yeah, sorry.

So, and that's it, she Bible quotes Adam and that's the end of the movie, so I have to ask. And you would think as heavy handed as this movie's been that it would be obvious, I don't think it is. What is the moral of this story? Oh, it's too literally whatever you want and then pray for heaven at the end and you're fucking fine. Okay.

All right. You can give a demon diarrhea with a self-ros. Okay. That's a more important part of the world. All right, no, that is a good one. I was gonna go with the wheel and implied this earlier, if you're gonna go to hell anyway, you should do evil enough shit

that the demons are super impressed and then promote you right away. And dress like thing right before you die. Right, yeah, exactly, yeah. And dress for it, by all means, dress in something comfortable when you're gonna die. You'll be wearing that for 60,000 years. Rawl, lips and clothes.

Yeah, exactly. All right, well, normally I have to do the whole big outro thing. I think you guys already know that this is copyrighted and all that. And we already talked about how awesome Morgan Clark and Tim Robertson who's sitting in and Andrew and Andrew and all those people are. So, we will spare you that big block of text ending that I normally do. And simply say, thank you so much, Toronto.

We love you back. And we will leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Eli just needed to watch another 59,000 years of supernatural and he'd be right on board. The homeless guy only realized after the credits that Shane's job offer was being hunted for sport. OK, this is serious. On behalf of every American with a uterus, will you marry us? Thank you so much, thanks again for coming out. The contest is happening live as we speak.

He's trying to scroll down in time. Eli's trying to scroll down in time. I'm there first. Oh, that's the better hell bad. Fuck. What's it doing there? I put it at the beginning. Why didn't it go? Why isn't it no longer at the beginning? You fuck. What's it doing there? I put it at the beginning. Where why did it? Why is it no longer at the beginning?

You bastard. Where did you move it? He has moved the the add to the middle of the The perfect crime Yeah, is it even it's not even on there? What's gone where the hell is it? I think I labeled the first one wrong. It's not a better help at. Yeah, it's where you are now. OK, all right. I was there first.

OK, all right, I was there. Don't worry, this all turns out in the edit. Yeah, so this is going to be a great time to tell you what a great job Morgan does. Are you really going to make me introduce you again? He's then right in Eli Bosnick And we're back I make you introduce me on a C segment of our recorded podcast. Yes, you do

I guess it should have been expected. I was afraid that if I introduce you again You'd be half naked when you came out again, so you know I'm afraid that if I introduce you again, you'd be half naked when you came out again. So, you know. Yeah, okay, you heard two people, ow, I heard the 198 that did, okay. They were just afraid of what was inside them. Well, they were afraid of what was inside somebody anyway.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2022. All rights reserved. somebody anyway.