God Awful Movies - 352: Mountain Top

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

This week, Andrew Torrez joins us for an atheist review of Mountain Top, the story of a lawyer turned pastor turned lawyer helping a man with dementia convince himself to always do what the voices in his head tell him to do. Check out more from Andrew on Opening Arguments or Clean Up on Aisle 45 If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

New season means new seasonal recipes and now it's easier than ever. With fresh ingredients delivered to your door, HelloFresh brings the Farmers Market to you. Get 16 free meals plus 3 gifts with code awful16 at hellofresh.com slash awful16. I also want to point out that at this point the star of the movie is mouth noises in between her and her. Oh my god. It's like all the lip smacks and tongue clicks that I've ever edited out of Eli and Andrew's tracks somehow came back to haunt me. Right? This movie has an ASMR level of mouth noises. Yeah. Fucking crazy. We donated them like locks of love to this film. I had a carabello yesterday. So, that's it.

God awful. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because I knew it would get me a visit to Canada one of these days. I'm your host Noah Luzon's, he'll be unable to join us today but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir? I'm amazing Noah.

I don't believe you. And also joining us tonight, sitting three time zones to my West Northwest is the co-host of the opening arguments podcast and the cleanup on IO45 podcast, Andrew Torres, Andrew, welcome back, sir. Hi Noah, thanks for having me. I am a hundred percent positive that my legal skills

will be helpful in breaking down all the law that is definitely gonna happen in this legal movie about a lawyer. It's this movie so often just goes like no, and it's just around the corner. It is. You know almost we're gonna have a hearing or a trial or something. We would never tokenize you. Thanks. So tell us, Andrew, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Mountain Top. It's the story of Nothing nothing god damn thing. There's a lawyer. There's a crazy person, but nothing anyone does matters And nothing happens so Yeah, it's the story of 2022 And Eli how bad was this movie? Well, if you're looking for something to ontologically support Grandpa's QAnon beliefs, but Elon Musk isn't buying Twitter fast enough for you.

You will love this movie. They were sour tweets. They were just, they were tweets were, almost. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Ooh, uh, best worst being a visual medium. Right? Yeah. The, the then diagram of this movie and its multiple dream sequences

and flashbacks and the audio book of the script is a circle. Yes. Sure is. Yes. I thought that several times it's like like I don't really have to watch the movie. I could just the whole screen could just be dedicated to my notes. That would be so much easier. So I was going to go with best worst pretending that pastor is an actual job. Oh boy, isn't it? The same as being a lawyer. Yeah, so the plot of this movie is

that there's this lawyer turned pastor who has to lawyer one last time after he thought he'd gotten out and like throughout the movie they have to kind of acknowledge that you know that doesn't really hurt his ability to be a pastor. There's nothing that one does in that job really. They show him doing something of import for like eight seconds at the first scene of the movie and then he stops and he's bad at it. Right and they're just like I we can't think of another thing. There's sermons. See and I'm gonna go with best worst glorifying of mental illness. And that's

a that's a stiff competition here. Yes. Got up movies, let me say it. So as better men with more flowing locks than me have pointed out, Christian cinema is a little bit of like a canary in a coal mine as to what the Christian right is doing with their next steps. And based on the movies of the last couple of months, grandpa, you don't have Alzheimer's, you're talking to God is a major part of the 24 platform.

Sure is. talking to God is a major part of the 2024 platform. Sure is. They might as well have butterscotch pudding run. It's the candidate for 2024. Yeah. All right, well, I'll tell you what, I'm not sure what indignant size are actually made of, but Andrew needs a minute to consume some of those in advance of the record.

So we're gonna pause for a quick break, but when we come back we'll dive into all the plotting tedium that is mountain top No, no, I understand that senator, but you have to understand my client thinks that's a compliment No, no, you do not have to check the box as to whether you like him. Yes or no All right, well, yeah. Thanks again for your time, Senator. Hey, Andrew. Uh, gentlemen, come in.

Present. Oh, it's the player pieces from a monopoly board. Yeah, it is. It was a complete set, but I got hungry on the way over. It's true, he did. I see. Oh, how can I help you? It was a complete set, but I got hungry on the way over. It's true, he did. I see. Oh, how can I help you?

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That's spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash awful quip the good habits company now shall I add your teeth to my wall of things you can't sue? If you must put it next to Jason Mamoa for not giving me smooches And I'm done Hey podcast listener as you may already know this month is matrion That's the time of the year when we beg you extra super hard for your money. Look, we know you've been meaning to give us money and now is the perfect time to do it because new and upgrading patrons help us hit all kinds of goals at our Patreon-only pajama party in July.

Like a vegan snack tasting. Or having heath guest DM an episode of D&D minus and of course marshes secret accent extravaganza but this week before you go to matrion.com to give us your money won't you consider our own poor little andratoris that's right your patreon dollars keep andrew in the thumbs and pepsad he so sorely needs whenever elise suggests a major felony on the show. It's true. You'll be helping send his son to college so that, like the recipient of a kung fu lineage,

he too will be able to keep me out of jail one day. Eli, I don't think my son wants to be a lawyer. You never know. And of course, you'll pay it for the much needed therapy to help Andrew get over Heath and Eli destroying the chairs in his office. So head on over to metrian.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N dot com and add a new pledge or upgrade your pledge today.

Oh, by the way, Andrew, about those chairs? Already? Yep, already. Ugh. Tsk. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a lawyer mountain biking and loyering at the same time, I guess. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on a lawyer mountain biking and Lawyering at the same time, I guess you're multi-sees talking into a little voice recorder make it lawyer notes as he mountain bikes

You do this right Andrew Clients 100% love it when you do their work while doing other stuff you have to concentrate on Well, I know I've never done any loyering, but I've done a little bit of mountain biking. And let me tell you, you don't do voice recording at the same time. You remember that? Also stay keep remember remember to go. You do if you hate your assistant.

So yeah, so he's, he's, he's lawyer biking his way up this mountain. Finally gets to the summit completely Baron of sweat, which is weird, right? You would have thought he would sweat at some point while mountain biking But then he gets to the top of this mountain. I write in my notes. I get the impression that summary judgment is the only lawyer phrase They know, yeah, we hear it three times. It is a little dictation. I did we get I mean I thought next was buy 200 subpoenas hoist those deposition Don't forget to batten down the cross examination. I mean it is just

Law words out of context and and by the way we're supposed to believe he has three summary judgment motions that he hasn't started, right? So unless he's a nothing lawyer, like, that's a year's worth of work, right? Like, I mean, that's like if the movie were about an architect and he got up to the top of the mountain, it was like memo to self build building by. Just. But just then he gets to top have a mountain and he notices that I don't know that mountains are pretty so he shouldn't be a lawyer anymore, right? He we watch him have this epiphany He and the way that they visualize this is that he

throws his voice recorder into the woods Like leave only footprints asshole the woods. I'm like leave only footprints asshole. Come on. Starts to play. Bruno, Bruno, oh, shit. Now I gotta go find a taterous girl. There's a turdy client privilege, right? There's work product on that tape. Yeah, right. Just some park ranger comes back to the office. guess who's a rapist? Find the coolest stuff. All right, so then we get the movies title, Mountain Top.

And that is accompanied by some pretty shots of Mountain Top's, in case the title didn't take the first time around. Yeah. We also get a Christian song here over the credits. Oh! The first lyrics of which are, oh be kind to the beggar that's inside of you. I just wrote, I mean, someone should have given this song right or a heads up about that. Well, to be fair, the singer is very obviously improvising this song at gunpoint.

Oh, so yeah, apropos of that, it ends with the lyric. I'm broken to pieces Which I guess supersedes his prior hit I'm broken intact, but All right, so then we jumped to six years later and we see Sam this is one of our main main characters He's an older gentleman that I have down as if the word Dagnabbit came to life. Yeah, yeah, I Hey, can I just say I know we like shit on actors a lot for being in this movies? I am so proud of this actor for finally being in a movie where he doesn't just warn kids about that their cabin

like let's get him. We're gonna get it where it's due. All right guys, this is Barry Corbin, right? He was the cranky old holdout in Better Call Saul, right, who didn't want to sell his house. And he was the odd piss on a spark plug if I thought it would help general for more games. If you remember. Oh really?

Yeah, let the boy in. Oh wow. So he knows how to act. He just does not give a shit. I just did this instead. He was working with this script, right? Yeah. There are toys with pull strings that get better scripts to work with. I wish there was a snake in my boots. So yeah. So he's watching a building burn and then he wakes up. That was dream and he starts writing about his dream and his little dream journal Right because he can't tell his wife because they're old and don't fuck anymore

Exactly. Yeah, he's got to tell somebody so then we get him and his wife waking up in the morning. This is Sam and Muriel They're a loving couple that loves Jesus as well. Are they are they a loving couple? I have I have my questions based on this scene because he reaches for a biscuit and she spends like six minutes being like, you're too fucking fat for a biscuit. I wrote my notes, hey, you know what you can do instead of being in this marriage,

fucking kill yourself. Oh, God. But yes, so he's checking his mail, making his coffee. They say grace over their biscuits, but they call God Papa Yeah If you got a pet term for the voices in your head just why don't you just go ahead and check yourself in I wrote This is how you end up with a firefighter profit people All right, so yeah, but he apparently owns a lawn care business and he so he cut to him outside loading up his

His tools into his truck heading out to the get the first lawn of the day when suddenly the cops show up And and of course at first it's all friendly. He's like, oh, I gotta get you some more biscuits But my wife won't give me any more biscuits because I'm too fat apparently. And they're like, can you shut up about the biscuits, man? We're trying to arrest you. Yeah, but there is a deeper implication here that occasionally the cops show up to what we will learn is this lawn care manager, and he gives the biscuits in the leaf. Like, I have that relationship with several neighborhood cats, but Right, but so he's been accused of embezzlement so they're arresting him for that and Then we cut to his wife go and to visit the mountain bike ex-lawyer from the opening scene

Right now he has decided to give up the lawyering life for the life to live the life of a small town pastor instead. That lateral move. He is staring at these pink pieces of paper when the scene establishes. And again, remember, eight seconds ago he was a lawyer. So I'm going, what do they think lawyers do? Apparently, those are pastor-pink-paper things. Right. Pastors are pastor pink paper things. So yeah. Right. Pastors use pink paper things.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Lawyers use legal pads. We all know they use yellow paper, damn it. Yeah, obviously. Did the only profession with a color coded paper, I think. Yeah. Her husband sent her because he wants him to be his lawyer. And I was like, well, that doesn't make any sense,

because he wouldn't have kept up his lawyer shit. But apparently, yes, he did. He kept up his lawyer shit for six years. You have to pay for that shit. You have to take continuing legal education. You have to renew, like it's, no, that's the least in this prophetic movie, right? You'd be like, ah, God, this is eating up

a lot of weekends for a thing I threw into on the mountain year right. He'd be like, ah, God, this is eating up a lot of weekends for a thing I threw into on the mountain gorge. Yeah, but he's like, no, technically, I guess I'm still approved to practice law in this state. So I mean, I guess I could, but I'm not going to. And I just want to point out the opening line that Muriel uses to try and persuade him here is I know we don't belong to your church, but and that's kind of like hey, I'm not a patron of the show

But I have great ideas about what you can do yeah right right or more like I'm not a listener of but So she says but we want you to be the learn she's like, wouldn't you rather have like a lawyer? A lawyer? Yeah, she's just one of those that actually does this job. And she says, no, no, no, my husband had a prophetic dream that you were gonna represent him in court. Now, I don't know lawyer ethics, but I feel like at this point,

you're like obligated to contact a hospital or something, right? This is when you stare at the freckle on your wrist, go, wow, look at the time, sorry. escort them out of your office, barricade the door, change your phone number, and move to another jurisdiction. Well, yeah, and she tries to pre-empt that. She's like, now I know the sounds crazy, but if you think about it, prophetic dreams do happen in the Bible. And I'm like, if it happened in the Bible

as your standard of sanity, you need to go ahead and just lock yourself up to it. She also drags a bag full of abermite babies in with a root and ass nash these. For a cop here. Well, but it's great because it's a gotcha for him, right? Because he's become a pastor. So she's like, Hey, your shitty book says that this

is real. And he's like, Oh, my God, shitty book. It's real. Yep. Fuck. Yeah. And and and then she even pulls out his shitty book. She's like, do you have a a Bible? And I really wanted to be like, I don't. I can't believe that. But he died. I just winged this pastor and

stuff. But yeah. So, but so he she I don't I believe that but he doesn't I just wing this pastor But yeah, so but so he she opens the Bible and reads some the the whole like what you do to the least amongst Of my children or whatever you do to me. She reads that passage Yeah, the least followed Bible passage right the fucking fire safety codes at the bottom of your vacuum cleaner instruction manual. So then okay, so the movie has to be like, but he's so busy pastoring. So it has to think of what a pastor would do. So they show him doing marital counseling that he is obviously wildly unqualified for. Yup. This marriage counseling starts with, why don't you tell him what you did to the flower pots last summer? And I would just like to say I'm very proud.

All three of our cast members asked in our notes, did he fuck those flower pots? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha destroyed shit with a baseball bat. I guess you should probably call the police, huh? Mm-mm, no, no. As will shock no one, he seems to take the abusers side. And that's what he does me. We do meet the best character in the movie though. I have to call her divorce lady because she does not get a name and will not appear again in the film.

But her line is, I knew talking to a man would be a mistake and I'm like yeah you go girl. Generally speaking yeah. Yeah yeah so we we learn that she's spoken to a divorce attorney and she's evil and the pastor's like yep you are pretty evil and then she storms off right. And then the husband who has established himself as a violent abuser is like, well, don't worry, I've hidden all my money in the basement so that she can't give it. Don't tell anybody or I'll murder you. My character and hers will never enter the movie again.

Good bye. We are passing lightly over here that this is horrible, right? Like, he looks at the lawyer turn pastor and says, you know, you're gonna keep that thing. I just confess to you that crime, I just confess to you, confidential, right? And because the protagonist of this movie is a goddamn criminal, he says,

oh yeah, yeah, no, that's all. You can tell me about all kinds of ongoing crimes you're committing. No, you cannot, being a pastor, just not mean you can help a guy, hide marital assets just because you think his wife is kind of bitchy. Like, no, that's not the way this works.

Well, and the movie never acknowledges that that makes him a bad guy, right? Not even that it makes the husband a bad guy. Nope. No, I think the movies take on this is supposed to be Oh, you know both sides in a divorce am I right? Marital problems when you've been physically abusive and threatening with a baseball bat So you hide your money so that she and maybe your children don't get the support

They so desperately need in a patriarchal goal society. All right, let's move on to the plot of the movie Shall we? Yeah fun today? And we also get the line of you know Lawyers and preachers are really no different at fuck you. Yeah, right. Yes, we are Sorry. Yeah as I've had to learn the hard way You're allowed to tell your secrets to both lawyers and preachers, except only preachers are the ones who can be like, ah, magic magic, it's fine, it doesn't matter. I mean, I say that to you, you life. So, yeah, so, so we wrap up his pastoring and then he pulls up at home after a long day of being useless and accomplishing nothing. And we, we meet his wife

who is painting when he comes in, technically. Yeah. It very much feels like they were like, hey, this is actually like my cousin's paintings, so don't mess it up when you're pretending to paint on it. And so she's just like, Pope, there's already green here. Is it okay if I just poke where there's already green? And they have a bad marriage. But yes, do we ever learn why? Like, I'm not saying I paid strict attention to this film, so I'm very willing to be, but I, I felt like they were just sort of like we established like they

don't like each other and we never fucking learned why for the rest of the movie. Well, so they sort of do later. Yeah. So she would, he decided to give up his good paying job as a lawyer and become a useless pastor who just yammer's about Jesus all the time. She was not on board with that. Apparently, he did that without discussing it with his life partner or at least without taking her input. And so she's like still pissy about that. Is that the conflict?

Because I watched this movie twice and there's the scene later with the you know I almost got a divorce but I never ever got that out of it so well thanks that was that was my assumption but I guess I guess I could be just like trying to make a better script in my head that I'm involved in terribly because the other plot point about them which makes all of the trouble in their marriage very confusing is that they're trying to have a baby? Yeah, well that, right. That sexes all the problems in your marriage. Did you know that he liked?

Oh yeah, no, if you have a bad marriage that's, you know, devoid of love and on the brink of divorce, that's the best time to have a kid. It fixes everything. And I love this stupid fucking way that this misogynistic movie Establishes that it's not a good marriage as it comes home and he's like hey, so what are we doing for dinner? And she's like ah made myself a sandwich if you want to make a sandwich Like yeah, man. I mean you were you were just in town. You could have brought home KFC or something You know he does that classic like I Guess I'll just eat this wood then like you

start chewing at the carpet okay we do see that there's no bread left except the heel pieces because his life is awful and he's no one loves him test audiences just like hit her hit her she left in the heels! So then the next day, he pulls up at the city jail to go see Sam, the guy whose wife wants him to be his lawyer, right? But on the way, we meet this character, Bryce the reporter. Ha! Oh, God. And I love how this movie even acknowledges,

they're like, he's like, wow, you're like a man out of time. Right, local reporters aren't a thing and haven't been for quite a while. And he's like, you know what, in this town, in this town, they are a thing. They are a thing. And I'm amazing at my job. I'm a ninja.

You will learn I am a ninja spy with access to all kinds of information for the fucking, made-dunk balloon or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, he's not just amazing at his job. He's amazing at the CIA's job. Right, yes, exactly. Deep for it retired to this small town.

Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous. So, okay, so he goes into C. Sam. Now, the cop, this is the cop that arrested Sam earlier and was clearly buddies and comes and gets biscuits for him on the regular From him on the regular he's not buying this whole Sam's a crook business He makes that very clear to Mike the lawyer Right, can we mention that Mike's opening gambit here is look I'm here as a minister not as a lawyer and for some reason the cop doesn't say yeah man no one here gives a shit like just just

committed visit that like either one you're both on the list we don't we don't like have a special box we check for minister or lawyer yeah so he goes into see Sam and Sam is like yeah Papa told me you was coming by Papa. He means fucking God of course Oh, and this movie has to do this thing where every time Sam has a very fucking obvious religious expression that the movie thinks is clever They have to use the protagonist as a way to be like your father is still alive Why would you find and he's got to like, no, I call God, Papa. And he's like, that's creepier than the name we already have for God, which is saying something.

Ha ha ha ha ha. So, yeah, this is also where like Sam explains to Mike that, yeah, he may be in jail, but Mike's brain isn't jail religiously, if you think about it. Which, and this of course makes no fucking fucking sense because this is supposed to be the character that like gave up the life of a high power to turn to be a humble pastor, right? Why is his braided religious jail? I know you heard the voice of God gave up your secular life to live religiously, but you

are not quite there yet, You're at 90% crazy. Yeah. So, and this is also where it explains the crime that he's accused of. Apparently, he was like acting as the guest pastor at a church and $100,000 of that church's money wound up in his checking account somehow. So, spoiler for later out of the movie,

$100,000 that we will find out was immediately transferred back into the church's accounts. So, literally, the stakes are, oops, I made a wiring error the movie. Yes. Right, and he didn't. He was framed of a wiring error in the frame of a typo. Yes Oops, I was framed of a typo that that fantastic running series Yeah, but but you know and Mike tries to tell him look man

I'm not a lawyer and even when I was, I wasn't a criminal lawyer like this. You, we're not just interchangeable. He's like, God told me otherwise in a dream. And he's like, oh, well, in that, in that case, I guess, I tell you what, talk to my close personal friend, God, and see what he has to say about it. And he's like, great, can I get you a different lawyer?

Yeah, right, but Sam explains, he wouldn't want no shitty atheist lawyer. Mm-hmm. That's mutual, two votes. Also, he leaves him a little bit of prophecy he says, tell your wife that baby Isaac is on the way. Okay, I realized this is your career and not mine, but like, I felt like I knew what Christianity was.

Like, is it the religion that says we all become pre-cogs? Like I didn't think so. Like, this movie seems to think it is. I was back. That lady quoted the parts in the Bible where that happens, Andrew earlier. They established it's in the book. That's the nice thing about Christianity.

Is every super power does have a wing of Christianity where it's there thing. True yeah, it's fair. So yeah so Mike heads home and his wife is painting again but this time she's painting her I'm pregnant painting. Yeah. The light here is, do you know what the filled in circle means? And like, I, and he does not stare dumbly at her the way I stare dumbly hit the screen going, is this entire movie a non-sequitur at Mike's Ben's? I feel like this is an elaborate prank that Eli would do. Yeah. Higher the guys for war games. I could have, you sure? Why the fuck? Yeah.

Next time get Ali Shiti, okay? The filled in circle means I'm pregnant. Why? Because go fuck yourself. Yeah. And if he doesn't believe her, she's got a plastic stick that she's peed on to fling around the room quite a bit. Movies always forget that those things get pissed on.

I don't, yeah. Okay. I like that he says, how do you know things get pissed on. I don't, yeah, okay. I like that he says, how do you know? I was like, I do think she knows, man, she threw fucking chicken boat. Hahaha. Yeah, no, she can feel the three day old fetus inside of her diamond.

So yeah, so the next day we get Mike out mountain biking some more, and then he goes to see Sam in the jail, right? To confront him with this, how did you see inside my wife's room question? Yeah. Yeah. I just want to stick out the position right now. I, for one, as a lawyer, would not want a client

who could see the future, okay? Like, that's to ask, stick with the non-precognitive clients from here. That, that makes sense And this is where Sam tells him his dreams and his dreams are like bad teenage metaphor poetry But yes, I was really hoping his dream was just gonna be an incredibly detailed description of them fucking So y'all started out in missionary I get it I'll start it out in missionary, I get it. But for the first time, and by no means the last, when the movie wants us to experience Sam's dreams,

it, forgetting that it's a visual medium, decides that the best way of doing so is by having an old person narrate his dreams at us. So yeah, there's nothing I love more than that. Right, and keep in mind that these are not like visually fantastic dreams. Yeah, right? My truck broke down and a lawyer helped me fix it

and then somebody came out of the church with a big box or whatever, it's always stuff like that. Yeah, they blew all their money on that CGI fire from the first pretty guessing place. Ooh, honestly, they must have seen the CGI fire and been like, guys, do we really want to try and do dreams? And they were like, no, no, we'll just have, oh yeah, yeah, just a guy from the night court

to scribe him. So yeah, so Mike hears all about the dream. He's still unconvinced and sounds like, well, it is still act one. I guess, only so much I can do uh... so he goes back to his pastor's office and his wife is there with myriall with sam's wife the two of them are there conspiring against him apparently yeah

he they have this moment where he's like how's your appointment she's like the baby is good and he's like oh i didn't realize we were telling people in front of total strangers just early in the pregnancy. And she's like, Oh, our husband's a prophet. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. He magically knew anyway. So we get the, I'm one day pregnant. Statistically, that means nothing could possibly go wrong. I also love how nonchalant the wife is about oh yeah, but you know he dream prophecy He knew so it didn't really matter But Miriel's like so if you decided to take my husband's case and he's like no and she's like well It is still act one I guess

But again Mike's excuse here continues to be I'm a pastor now instead of hey Mike How about I'm not a criminal lawyer. That's a real good answer to. Would you defend me in this criminal case? There's no question that at some point in the script writing someone was like, well, is he a criminal lawyer and they were like, no, no, he didn't do anything and they were like, never mind. Keep writing. So yeah, but so my real leaves and his wife is his name. Keep writing. So yeah, but so Miriel leaves and his wife is all pissed off at him now too. So she storms out too.

Like how dare you not become a criminal attorney for this single case six years after your retirement. So we get this like montage of him thinking hard and a pew and reading his Bible. I also want to point out that at this point, the star of the movie is mouth noises in between her and oh my god. It's like all the lip smacks and tongue clicks that I've ever edited out of Eli and Andrews tracks somehow came back to haunt me. This movie has an ASMR level of mouth noises.

It's fucking crazy. We donated them like locks of love to this film. So I had a carabello yesterday. So he calls his lawyer friend and he's like, hey, I need to have a meeting with all the church deacons tomorrow. So we cut to the next morning, but all the church deacons, by the way, is that friend and one the other guy Right, so basically just called him and says hey, can you call Larry? I don't want to call it I don't want to deal with that asshole if you blow a conscience and only three people show up

You should just have a group thread come on But but the third guy old shitty guy as you have him in your notes, which is fantastic, be instantly becomes the second best character in the movie behind divorce lady because his sole line is, wait, you're representing Sam? He's no minister, he's a crackpot and I'm like finally, thank God someone gets it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and then his other line and I love this one even more is to basically say, well, if you've got time to do that on top of your pastor duties, we're obviously over paying you, right? Yes, we're very clearly paying you for more work than you're doing.

Yeah, you're essentially saying I can do this pastor gig in my spare time. Yeah. Yeah. Guys, guys, what do we say about acknowledging that this job only is one day a week and is nothing? Oh, that's right, that's right. What about, can I mention the, they pay for my housing and I get to deduct that

for my taxes? Yes or no? I'm sorry. So yeah, so, but they agree tentatively to allow him to be a lawyer for this guy. Apparently you need the Deacon's permission for that. Yeah, sure, that's the ABA code of ethics. Yes.

So then Mike and his lawyer for it. And by the way, I have this guy down as a lawyer for the entire movie. I don't think he ever gets a name. No, I think Mike always refers to him as bro or buddy. Yeah, he might as well be a woman for all this movie. So yeah, but so we get a quick scene of Mike and lawyer buddy playing cornhole. Yeah, correctly, two two person cornhole the best of all the cornhole.

Yeah, exactly. They both each throw a sandbag. Well, that is it, I guess. It's weird that we have two of these goals the way we play. What is this other one even doing here? But this is also like the they make a big deal out of this. Lawyer friend works for the big lawyer in town, Mr. Forest, right? Who will meet later.

And he's like, yeah, I'm being really overworked. Mr. Forest is making me do a lot of the work that he could easily do himself. I don't think we ever revisit that, right? No. Ever. They just needed something for this guy to be bitching about about like how tough the lawyer life is.

Yeah, it never gets revisited. It never matters. So I was like, oh, that's the law firm that's eventually going to represent the bad guys. Nope. Nope. And he's treating lawyer friend is treating this like it's a strange like eerie departure from behavior. And I'm ready to go like, oh yeah, super weird when the senior

partner dumps a lot of work on your desk that he could probably also, God, I hope Morgan doesn't listen to God awful movies. Wait, you're telling me that some firms don't treat their lower level employees with ultimate respect. Get out of here. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie's not going to actually settle on a singular plot until about 14 minutes before it's over, so I'm not going to bother imposing act breaks on it, but I will impose a break for us, so we're going to be back in a minute

with all the meandering bullshit that he is. Mountain top. Yeah, yes, I said I would like to order a palette of the new chairs. Yeah Yeah, just the one office It's a long story Yes, yes, I'll hold Hey, Andrew, you got a second? Sure, I'm just I Andrew

What's up guys? We are mad at you. Yep, but what what what what, what, why? It's, it's your podcast. It's destroying our headphones. My podcast, opening arguments, is destroying your headphones. Sure is. I'll be like listening to it, right? And then all of a sudden you say something and I'm like, no, no, no! And I start whipping my head around and bam!

Headphone goes flying out, broken. Yeah, so I have to be like four times already. Okay guys, look, I can't prevent the content of my show from making you fly into a head shaking rage, that's only appropriate. But I can recommend Raycon Wireless Earbuds. What are Raycon Wireless Earbuds? Raycons everyday earbuds look, feel and sound better

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You can even do it wirelessly. Wow, but with all those features, it must be pretty pricey, right? Actually, Raycon's you get the same quality audio as other premium audio brands, but at half the price. Wow, Andrew, I'm sold. Where do I get a pair? Check out Raycon's wireless earbuds.

My guess is that you're gonna wanna leave them a five-star review too. So go to buyraycon.com slashgam today to get 15% off your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slashgam to score 15% off. Now, you'll excuse me, I'm still on hold for some new chairs. Ooh, ooh, ask them where their warehouse is.

No, it's fine, I can Google it. He's gonna Google it. I know. Excuse me, is this Mr. Toleray's office? Yes. What the hell happened to all your chairs? I see, that's a long story. Look, can I help you?

Yeah, so I'm a dream prophet, and I've been accused of stealing. I was hoping I could use your lawyer magic to make him let me go, you know, like the tiger? Okay, well first, I'm not a criminal lawyer. And also, just general advice, I'd say probably don't volunteer to anyone that you're a dream prophet? I see, I see. Well, what if I told you I had a dream that you would say yes? Well, then I would use this opportunity to prove to myself that my dreams aren't always accurate and higher a different lawyer.

Oh, dang, but that's a good point. Okay, I guess I hire someone else. Can I just say... Yeah? Yeah? You seem to be handling this awful calmly. I have a surprising lot of experience. Andrew, I got the monopoly piece back if you want the whole set. Oh, I do not. Fine. Gonna eat it again.

Egg has weird. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna rejoin our hero lawyer in a way on Eli's laptop He's trying to get Sam out of show his wife is very proud of him. Yeah, she comes in She's like good job if I weren't already full of come I'd let you fuck me as a reward So now it's time for him to actually lawyer a bit. Finally, Andrew's expertise is gonna come in handy here. He pulls up to the court. He's now, by the way, they make a big deal of, he's wearing a lawyer suit as opposed to a pastor's suit, I guess.

Yeah, no more jeans for him, because he means it, dammit. Yeah. I'll be sitting the right way on chairs and everything for me. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I'll be sitting the right way on chairs and everything for me Yes, not a great thing for your religion if you've got a moment in your movie where it's now the guy who does the job of leading our community is taking things seriously So okay, so he pulls up in the court He sees lawyer friend there and they're like oh look at this Parade of peripheral characters before us here, huh?

Did you know, sorry, my brain's already broken here. They're bringing Sam in to the courtroom. And we're gonna discuss the motion and like the craziness and all of that. But all of the other inmates are sitting in the jury box. Why? I don't know. Nobody has the movie. It's just like, here have some seats. I did. Well, why else would it be behind that wood if you didn't need to keep them away from the rest of society? I named the aneurysm at the back up my neck and just like, you know, I felt like this movie was feeding it after midnight and

It was awful. So yeah, apparently the movie in this in this movies universe There's no such thing as the speedy trial act You get unreasonably high bail set and you just rot in jail Post-arainment no trial until you can convince someone to be your lawyer Then you get to go in on a cuz I want to point out he's accused of 30 seconds worth of embezzling a hundred thousand dollars and for that the movie was like well, we should set bail at I don't know $100,000 $100,000 sure it's like that's the only number they know

Weird so yeah, so Upon upon watching the movie twice and reading all of your notes, I'm aware that Pastor Lawyer is Mike, but my notes refer to him as Ben Santorum about half the time because he looks like the love child of Rick Santorum and Ben Affleck. Yup, okay. And yeah, nice. And we see the judge comes in and the judge is a lady,

and the prosecutor is a lady, so she's got to drop her notes and be late and stuff. And there's no reason for that. It never comes up, it never matters. It's, the movie is just going like, women lawyers, am I right? Yup. They just can't have a competent woman at any point in any way in their movie. Yeah.

No, don't like has this look at his face like, well, you know, if we were back in my church, you'd both have to stay silent, so. Yeah, don't like has this look on his face like, well, you know, if we were back in my church, you'd both have to stay silent. Yeah, right. I have to point out this too, because they're they're looking over him and lawyer friend are looking over all the different inmates and he's like, oh, there's some repeat offenders here. That's van such and such. He'll be very important later in the movie. Pay the fuck attention. it's no other i did not pay attention both times i watched this movie because both times would vans shows up later i'm like who the fuck is that right well i was distracted because also among the

inmates is none other than Tory Martin the funniest man in Christian movies fuck yeah fact guy from that movie where they broken to a house yeah exactly finding faith home faith. I would have fucked nose. Anyway, but he's like a legitimately funny guy that does Christian movies. And he's trying so hard. He's in the background all these scenes

just being like, put me in coach, put me in, I'll do some space work with a gavel. Is he red-headed arm, rock, eye? Yes, yeah. Okay, all right. All right. Okay. I don't know who you owe an apology to but you definitely Oh, I don't think either of them would find that complimentary that's I don't think either listen to the show so we fight. Yeah, but can I say this they're dual to the death? I'd watch it. Oh, fuck yeah, absolutely. the death I'd watch it. Oh fuck yeah. Absolutely. Well yeah, and of course this is where we meet Mr. Forrester, the big swanky lawyer who is the boss of lawyer friend, and he is the warden from Shawshank

Redemption. That's where I recognize him from. Yeah. Yeah. I have him as the warden for the rest of the rest. I don't remember. Mr. Forrester, Mr. Forrester, I can't even remember. But anyway, so all the lawyers are there and they're like, hey Mike, aren't you a retired not lawyer anymore, a pastor guy? And he's like, yeah, I'm here representing Sam. And so they all have a good laugh at him

for representing Sam the crack pot. Yeah, and somehow this movie has contrived to place you all here in this courtroom where I argue my first motion in six years as opposed to, you know, it being just me and my client in front of the judge the way it might usually be. So, yeah. No, we got tickets on Eventbrite for the trial today, really, as in all the other prisoners. And the judge seems to have that too, because she's like, well, are you going to place

your client on the stand? And I really, like like the movie would have won me back if he would have just like to put them in like no like you take fuck what I do to digital notice of the documents were good because I'm gonna do is put them on the stand and go do you have a house yes do you agree to like abide by that yes okay fine good we're done let's get out of here yeah right so he says you're on or his his bale's been sent at $100,000. Um, he owns a home and property free and clear that's worth $64,000.

So I want you to move it down to $64,000. And, and of course, the, the judges like, like, yeah, but I mean, we can't, that can't be the whole fucking scene. You can't, I mean, I agree, but like, we have to do a thing, right? We are racing through this 94 minute movie. Yeah. So yeah, so Sam takes the stand, and this seems I feel like I'm no lawyer,

but I feel like you don't surprise, put your client on the stand with no preparation whatsoever. Excellent, excellent thought process, yes. Yeah, especially when your client has like fifth level dementia where he doesn't understand what a trial is or why he's being asked questions that he thinks he already know the answer to. He's like, what's your name? He's like, you know my name and it's like, oh, you're very sick. You should be in the hospital. Yeah. Could you, he goes like, so could you a client who claims to have prophetic dreams has a pet

name for God and has an uttered a single sentence Since I've met him without sounding like he was gonna ask for my help defending this Wendy's against the craylon warrior Freely about yourself in open court. He just brings him up there And he's like tell us about yourself like they were on a date Three two one go Like they were on a date three two one go Bachelor number two I enjoy long walks on the beach

Yeah, no, no, no, just just little tip to you know perspective lawyers in the audience like you Can't ask leading questions of your witness on the stand you however, talk to your witness before you put them on and say, Hey, I might ask you about these things. Think about how you might want to answer those. There is a no spoilers clause in law. Yeah. So, but then the judge is like, oh, I have a few questions for him too. And then she might as well be like, so Mr. Miller, what do you bring into the church pot luck next month? You know, it's they're just all buddy buddy. She's like, are you, you know, you do an okay? And he's like, wow, I mean, I'm in jail.

She's like, yeah, I guess that sucks. Do you get punched in the face? There he's like, yeah, I got punched in the face. That you just not asked the next question, which is, hasn't the movie spent 52 minutes establishing that you have precognitioned? You can see the fucking future. How did you not see that coming? God damn it. I didn't sleep super well last night. God didn't have time to tell me. That's on me. I watched a scary movie before bed and you know that thing where you stay up a little too late and then you're like, I only get four hours.

Yeah, so anyways, that's right. That that beats my theory of pop. I don't show me the face punch and stuff, but also I feel like I don't know the law, but it is the judge allowed to be like, I ask the questions now. We are friends. Yes. I mean, the judge can, but like, again, all of this is just to reduce bail from usurius, right? $100,000 for the crime of briefly embezzling $100,000 to 64% of that, right? Like, yeah, it would just be like utterly, do you own that? Yep.

Uh-huh. You promised not to leave the jurisdiction. Okay. Right. We're done here. Right. But yeah, you do not also have to establish a close personal friendship with the enemy in order to reduce their value.

Or determine why, how he got that shiner. Yeah. So the judges like, yeah, we'll reduce your bill to $64,000. But I want to have a private chat with the lawyers in my office later on in the movie. And they're like, yeah, okay, man, no problem. But it's an in trouble chat for you, lady lawyer.

And trouble. You're late and dropped things. So, okay, so Mike's leaving the courthouse when Warden Forest catches up with him. Okay, I have to point this out. What they're doing is, what they're trying to go for here is a walk by stop and talk to you, shot.

Yes. The guy starts way too far back. So poor Warden from Shoshak Redemption has to peas and carrots for way too fucking. He's like, yeah, we'll get those files. Is he behind me? I'm just gonna take six feet away.

Okay, well, take those files and put them into the other file. He has to be here. How is he still not here? Jesus. Oh, hey Frank, I wanted to talk to you for a second. Yeah, so he might finally walk spine. He's like, hey man, I wanted to talk you for a second. Yeah, so he might finally walk spine. He's like, hey man, he's like, oh, hey, you're the word from Shoshank Redemption, right? He's like, yeah, I'm like a real actor in this for some reason.

And then they had this conversation where he's basically like, hey man, I'm cool with you lawyer and Sam, but you're not going to lawyer I'm all that hard, are you? You're still going to go to jail at the end of this right and he's like that's a weird fucking question man. And the word actually makes a pretty decent point where he's like hey man, aren't you like the moral center of this community? Isn't it not a great idea for you to then switch jobs to claiming someone's innocent of a crime? And then switch right back to moral center again. Good point by villain of the movie number like four. We're on right now. Yeah.

All right. So now we cut to the 430 lawyer meeting with the judge. Right. So the judge explains she sits the last time she says, okay. So just so you guys both know in advance, uh, say I Sam occasionally writes me letters about important dream prophecies he's had that involve cases I'm gonna see and he's always correct. Yeah. So I can hear Andrew screaming at his television. Should I record his mouth?

This hit me so hard that like you will see all my notes are in lower case because I Smash the uppercase button twice, right? Like that's a fucking I wanted it in super caps and it interpreted that as lower. Like it this entire thing is hey I have a deeply close personal relationship with the criminal defendant so quote If either of you would like to make a motion for me to recuse myself, and I'm thinking, Clarence Thomas, get the fuck off the bench.

Okay, no, can you, oh, god. Oh, god. One second, that's my gal pal, Ginny. She's texting me something about the election real quick. I gotta, it's a chainmail again. I hate when she sends these. But yeah, but they don't want her to recuse. I mean, I can see why Mike wouldn't, but I don't know why they're prosecuted. To Mike's credit, Mike's like, oh no, you can still be the judge. Yeah, you're

a real woman who just openly admitted that you believe my client speaks for God on occasion. So, so yeah, so, but Sam gets out of jail. His, his, his bond has been posted now. So yeah, so but Sam gets out of jail. His his his bond has been posted now. So Mike gives him a ride home. They get some of that good sweet tea from Muriel. Oh my god. At one point he says, do you think they have sweet tea in heaven? And they're written my notes. Oh God, please die of dementia already, please. Not before uttering the line, well, Miro, you should have seen it. My lawyer was as smooth as your egg custard. But okay, but this is where we're going to establish the motive for the framing, right? Yeah.

This is where we learn that Jack Hatcher, he's the head of the bank, I guess the bank manager in the town, and he really wants Sam to go to prison over this thing. Yeah, and Sam Let's us know why here. It's because he wrote him one of his prophecy letters saying you are doing evil deeds inside of the Lord. Yep. Yeah, I'd want him to go to jail too. I can't Three votes and also like that this is the only moment in the entire movie in which Mike acts like a lawyer where he sort of looks in slack, jawed, horror,

and his client with the expression of, this is a thing that might have been useful for you to tell me yesterday. And Muriel gives the, again, it is only the background women characters, none of which passed the backdeltest, obviously it's a Christian course. Of course. Who says, Sam, you have to tell your lawyer everything so he can represent you. And I'm like, yes, don't let's not just resign that in the back,

like that's a real thing and you're playing it off. Like this is just a thing that like a crazy lady says to her, oh god I hate this Everything is that this movie is trying to play in that in between area of like crazy old person who thinks he can talk to God which they're validating and crazy old person who doesn't know you can't pour sweet tea into the gas tank of your car It's got to do this adorable switch back and forth between like, oh you and sorry, what did the Lord of the universe say next?

Right. Yeah, so he goes off to find his notes about the letter that he sent to Jack Hatcher, the bank manager. And while he's gone, there's this great conversation that Mike and Miriel have where he's like, oh, he writes letters to everybody He even writes letters to the president. I'm like this was filmed in 2016. I really want to know what's cellutation

He used That he wrote But yeah, so he comes back. He's like I here's the notes for for that and he shows the guy his notes. They are Serial killer craze. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Kevin Spacey from, Kevin Spacey would be like that's creepy. Right. Yeah, they're drawings of nails and baseball bats and an axe or something.

They were the doodles I did when I was in fucking fifth grade and shit. Weirdly might not say if you were a fifth grader and drew these, you would be expelled from school these days I yep that happened Looking podcasting turned out to be a career what dream told you that Andrew you have to tell So he starts telling about this dream and this is the dumbest of the dreams that we have to listen to right? Oh my god It's like Creed lyrics

There's a beige bomb at playing beads Yeah, no, so there he's had a dream where there was a baseball bat and a hatchet and a tree and they were all having a Conversation and the hatchet was trying to rip the tree off by giving them these worthless beads And I'm thinking to myself this is the shit that everybody's been saying is perfectly accurate. Yep So is a fucking Axe and a baseball bat gonna rip off a tree or are you lying to us movie? Yeah, and also can I just throw this out there? What spoiler alert, we're supposed

to believe that the head of a bank got this letter. I had a dream where a hatchet was, was fucking Jewish to a baseball bat. And he was like, I'm gonna fucking frame this guy for you. Yes. Everyone's gonna take this dude super seriously, I gotta get all through that. I better destroy his crad-up feeling. Yeah. And by the way, the reason that one of the people in the dream was a hatchet is because it was Jack Hatcher. That is as clever as the movies ever did I get. Hey, was that like a Nostradamus callback, like a history,

I don't know. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I was weird I think it's just because there was a big cry fight about whether hat chair would play in the writers room and This is a compromise So but but for whatever reason Mike fights this prophetic dream pretty damn convincing So okay, so that scene wraps up the next day might have in lunch at white's restaurant I feel like all they had to do was paint over the only on their sign for this business.

Oh, that's true. But this is where we're gonna reintroduce Bryce the reporter, the character that we met earlier. Now, Bryce will come in whenever the writer can't think of how to present the few things that the main character needs to know, like, can't come up with a clue or whatever things that the main character needs to know like can't come up with a clue or whatever so the reporter will just come and say you know what I just found out last night the next thing you need to know for the plot to work.

Yeah. Also, Bryce reveals something here that never gets touched on again but fucking terrorifies me. They're talking about Sam and he's like oh you know I don't want to write about Sam because one time he wrote me a letter about my deepest darkest secret. And then the movie just fucking moves on. Yep. Mike's like so a liver sandwich. Yeah so but the reporter reveals that Sam occasionally sends him prophetic dream letters too and usually he just throws them away except for the one that very clearly demonstrated for knowledge of the future and I'm like, I feel like you'd keep the other ones

then too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like, can you dream me up some lottery numbers? Right, yeah. So but yeah, but he's like, don't worry, I'll be back later and I'll have all of the Plot information for you. So then we get a salmon mic heading to the church that he supposedly embezzled funds from to meet with their

Deacons. And I'm just before we talk about this, you know, I'd love to flash in our memories and our minds and our imaginations to the writers room where someone said, yeah, so when we meet the people he supposedly embezzled from, I guess the only thing we shouldn't do is make them the only black characters in the movie right now. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and the only black female character is terrible to everyone, yells at everybody and is at least the movie implies

in on the effort to frame a Sam. But fortunately, they're never seen from agains, oh wait. Yeah. Also, okay. So again, I'm no lawyer, but I feel like taking your lawyer with you to meet with the people who accused him of the crime is probably not a typical lawyer action. Okay, let me know. Look, if this movie didn't think that depositions were kind of hat, like, you know, kinds of questions that you would ask during a deposition, right?

But yeah yeah so. So oh and on the way by the way he mentions to Mike that he had a dream that his Church was gonna catch on fire later on in the movie This is not the only time that I laughed unintentionally in this movie but but Christianity in this movie, but Christianity causes you to write as a straight line of dialogue in your own fucking movie. That's when I realized this was a bad fire. Yes! He says, normally when my dream's fire represents God, you know, building a new one over the old or whatever, but this one I can tell was a bad

fire. I'm like, oh, so really your dreams can mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. It's interesting. It's a very accurate the way that you do that. So, anyway, so. So, Scorpion Horse Face Locust. So, okay, so Mike and Sam show up at the other church and Larry the church the church Deacon number one or whatever Doesn't like all of this down home Pleasantry bull shit that Sam's trying to pull on him. Yeah, he's they're like hey, don't be that way And he's like I didn't do anything you ungrateful Yeah, and he's like hey, let's get started. Let's just start

I'm gonna now I'm gonna start the recorder. You said. And again, we made reference to it in the last scene, that this church is 100% James Brown's church from the Blues Brothers, right? Yeah, we're supposed to think this is Sam's home church, right? Like, he's just there like banjoin it up, what no. Yeah.

Now, Andrew, when you go with your clients to visit the people, they accuse them of crimes and they say no notes allowed. Did you usually agree to that? So sure. Let's go with yes. Why not see? See, again, if we were deposing the witness,

there'd be a position. There'd be a court reporter here, somebody that types 8,000 words a minute on those little courted typewriter thing. He's, yeah, they're awesome. I'd say, yeah, they say no notes because you'll just twist our words in court. And later he's like, oh,

so who did you speak with at the bank? And they give him the name. And I wanted him so bad it turned to her and go, can I write that down? At least you guys I could just win that. Do you? I'm not saying. Also, can we just point out like that there is a sequence at the very end in which the

three black deacons are upset at Sam because, and they think this is the motive for him stealing the money because he is prophesied that their church was going to grow and was going to need the $100,000 for new construction or whatever, and the church hasn't grown, and that prophecy never comes true in this movie at all. Like the church is just like, nope, sorry Sam, that dream was full of good old fashioned bullshit. So yeah. Yeah. No, and they say like he sorry Sam, that dream was full of good old fashioned bullshit. So yeah. Yeah. No,

and they say like he's like, so can you give us a bunch of details about the way in which this church banks that will never matter to the story or come back in any way and the and the deacons are like we sure can. We can spend four goddamn minutes on how many different accounts we have and why we have such a large building improvement. There were two separate checks and he forged Jennifer's signature and yeah, no, this is all of this is see we do know a thing about something. I mean, not not anything about the law mind you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no We've banked before, so yeah. We know how Czechs work. More or less. So yeah, so they get done with whatever the hell that was. They're trying to, there was also like,

as they leave the one Deacon says to him, like, you know, the truth will come out. Sam and he's like, yeah, the truth will come out. And then everybody's like, you guys want to say that three or four more times in the next two minutes, make sure it sticks. So yeah, sure do. Sure do. Just got some life side. No, he's on the, oh, God, doesn't listen to black people, okay? guys want to say that three or four more times in the next two minutes. Make sure it sticks. So I get sure to sure to.

It's got some life side noise on my. Oh, God doesn't listen to black people. Okay. I can knock you out. She's two days. Okay, Rick. Relax. So okay.

So now it's the next day we're back at whites, the restaurant. We're back at the white restaurant. And reporter comes in and he's like, hey hey man, I have an info dump for you. I'm sorry, before we get to the info dump, a honky-tonk version of amazing graces playing in the background. And neither of you thought that was worth noting at all. Okay.

Oh, I missed that. How the fuck did I miss that? So, but Bryce comes in and he's like, hey man, I talked to the warden On the phone the other day and I illegally recorded the conversation. Would you like to listen to it? He says would I? It's worse than that because you know because Bryce says well I recorded the conversation and they both have this like look by and between each other of like did you break the law and both have this like look by and between each other of like, did you break the law?

And lawyer Mike is like, you know, knowing whether South Dakota Montana, I'd, uh, wherever the fuck we are, whether that's a one party consent state or a two party, kind of feel like that might be the lawyers job to know that, but nope, nope, no, it's fine. Nobody thought to Google it or knew what they would Google, yeah, who could possibly know what laws are this

Obviously, Andrew you never represent crazy evil Old guy framing corporations no matter how much we ask you to but when someone calls you and it's like Hey, are you working for an evil guy to frame someone? Do you go? Yes! Hahaha! Let me hide behind this lace fan as I answer your question. Yeah.

Yeah, no, but I should point out that like, virtually nothing actually happens in the conversation just that the warden sounds guilty ish yeah right like so if you just got done getting a blowjob from his secretary it would be exactly the same right so that's the end of that scene and then later we get uh... might get ready for church when lawyer friend comes to see him to warn him off this case. Hey, just so you know the bad guys are the bad guys? Yeah, right. And they're also very quick with the framing someone for crime's trigger finger.

I'm not sure if that'll ever be relevant, but I'd just let you know. This is not foreshadowing in any way whatsoever. So okay, so now we're going to really drill into that relationship between Mike and his wife. I know you guys have been dying for that. So we get the two of them summoning a mountain. He's so good. He's literally justifying why the movie is called Mountain Top. He's like, I love mountain tops.

They're very relevant to the movie. They were the inciting incident. So don't make fun of my title or I'll cry. What did you want to talk about? Well I love to he's like you know this is where I was the moment I decided to become a pastor let me tell you all about it and I'm like it's been six fucking years and this has never come up. They just silently cohabitated and made sandwiches for the next six years. I was going to say, well, maybe that's why her response to that story is, oh, neat story.

Let me tell you about how I almost divorced you. Yeah, right. She's like, I was going to leave you last year. I had even signed the divorce papers. I'm like, does that, is that how it works? You just presented with the sign papers. One way to sign. to divorce papers. So I'm like, is that, is that how it works? You just present them with the one way design. And of course, yeah, you know, just to fuck with me, the movie decides that not only the like while it's not showing us Sam's dreams, it's also not going to show us

anybody's flashbacks either. No, I just can't tell us about their memories. Why show when you can tell? Yeah, she has this moment where she's like I was gonna leave you last November I signed the divorce papers and there's this fucking huge pause where I'm like but but She's like I didn't leave you because I got a pro a dream prophecy letter from Sam cool a dream prophecy letter from Sam. Cool. And then he goes, he goes, well, you know what, I'm glad you didn't divorce me. And she just stares at him in the scene.

She just not even give a ditto here. Nope. I too have feelings Just like well, I got that letter telling me not to and he's like cool How you feeling now you ever walk in and you're in trouble because you fucked up And you got to test the waters with your wife so you talk about something else So I said how are the front plants and I'd be like oh good and you'd be like cool Are you like mad at those plans? So the next morning Bryce catches Mike on the way to the on his way to work with a bit of important plot development

Man does he have it? Hey Um, I just realized there's no way to connect these fucking dots. So I broke into there's no way to connect these fucking dots. So I broke into, really hear me out when I say this. I broke into a bank employee's old laptop. He works with me now. Why did I do that? Who the fuck knows? But I did.

And I have information for you that connects the dots of the plot of this movie. Yes. Yeah. He apparently did some kind of ninjitsu Tom Cruise getting the nock list kind of shit or whatever and figured out the entire plot So it turns out that the the state is about to open up the forest for development and Jack Hatcher the main bad guy is trying to gobble up all the land before anybody knows how valuable it is Oh

His recommendation is to and please please correct me if I'm wrong, corner the guy who's information he stole while he takes care of his sick wife who is dying of cancer. Yes. Yeah, he's like, well, you know, it's going to be easy for you to find him because he's always by the side of his dying wife. And he's like, well, that's very convenient for me anyways, not. And can I just say the best place to interview a witness? Right, yeah.

And also, by the way, one of the things that he found when he'd broken to just his co-workers' computer, hoping there might be something juicy on there, was a copy of a letter that one of the evil conspirators wrote that said in the margins quote this will take care of the Miller problem once and for all end quote they might as well be might as well be like well why did they write out boh-ha-ha was it just occasion a era this is and, Andrew reviewing my tweets level of self-incriminating. Yeah, and Bryce is like, well anyway, that's the entire plot right there. That's the movie. I am just reminded of the bit in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Like right before the missiles are about to impact on Magrathia where you know Douglas Adams says the because stress and tension are major problems in the galaxy we will now tell you that no one gets hurt and like why do we watch the next hour of this movie when they've told us what happens oh god yeah yeah I can the movie could legitimately end in the next scene with a bad guy's getting arrested montage. Yeah. I feel like the writers need a minute to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of the runtime. So we're gonna pause for a quick break, but first, I'm gonna give Act 3 the hard sell. Will the movie abandon this plot and desperately try to replace it before the credits?

Will the replacement plot be essentially the exact same plot but shorter? Will Sam's dream prophecies ever tell anyone anything that turns out to be helpful in any way during the movie? Yes, yes, and no, but stick around anyway for the unsighting conclusion of mountain top Okay, okay, how about Serap phone now that that one only comes with the French buttons Like on the phone. Like on the phone? Yeah, on the phone, yeah.

Hey guys, what you talking about? Well, we're trying to figure out what phone plan to use next time we go to Canada. Yeah, all of ours majorly crapped out. My phone bricked entirely. Nah, that tracks. But why don't you guys just try Mint Mobile? What's Mint Mobile?

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Okay, but do I have to switch my phone because at this point I've had it longer than two of my cats. It's true, yes. Actually, you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plant and you get to keep your same phone number along with all your existing contacts. But you should get a new phone Noah. You really should. I don't want to lose my high score on Snake. It's fair. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free,

go to mintmobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam. Cut your wireless built of 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash cam. What's mint mobile? What no! Absolutely not. I don't know guys, I just talked to me and uh turns out yes I do get the point.

Mutiny! Murr you. Fine. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Great random reporter guy. There's just so much I don't know. Well, maybe I could be some help. You think? Yeah, let's, let's say Dave Hutchins left the file cabinet in his office open last night, and I happened to find these. Wow, blueprints, these are fantastic, but... isn't Mr. Hutchins office on the 28th floor?

It sure is, but glass is surprisingly easy to scale if you've got these here gecko gloves. Okay. Then all it took was a glass cutter and a choreographed capuera dance to get through the laser grid and dipsy doodle. There's a kit and caboodle. Uh, hey random reporter guy. Yes, pastor. Any chance you could find something on Brett Kavanaugh before like mid-June? Maybe, but wouldn't it just be easier to- BEEP! Okay, thank you. The sketch is over. Stop censoring my art, Andrew! I'm making art!

It's not art. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha more of this shit, we're gonna rejoin the action on what I believe is the film's most useless scene. A lot of competition, but yeah. Yeah, no, but this is a scene that basically I think it's only there so that like no one would even accuse them of passing the Bechtel test. This is where Muriel and Peg have pie together. Peg is Mike's wife. Well, they also had to use up the rest of the mouth noises

that me and Andrew donated. Oh God. You know, the only thing better than listening to people eat is listening to old people eat. It's like a gas station commercial for hot coffee in this movie to. God. So yes, but murals come by to explain to Mike's wife

that Sam says Mike is pregnant too. And then she just stares at her and she's like, yeah, I mean something completely different from what I just said. Pregnant with the potential for God's love. I'm gonna start doing that. Like I'm gonna open conversations with shit like, hey, you know guys, God told me potatoes are trying to take over the government. love i'm gonna start doing that like i'm gonna open conversations with shit like

you know guys god told me potatoes are trying to take over the government by which i mean we're gonna have to record half an hour later on wednesday if that's possible no stranger than this movie all right so then sam and mike god why does he keep bringing sam to the show sam and mike go to see Cancer Wife X Banker guy. I literally might notes from this point on

or just why would anyone be where anyone is right now? Yep. Right. So, so they show up. They're like, you know, we're gonna interview him about what he knows about why you were framed about the Land deals whatever But they get there the husband's not there yet. So Sam has to magically lay hands upon the cancer wife

Lot of touching of an unconscious woman by a mentally ill man Well, and let's keep in mind that he doesn't like Green mile this shit, right? He doesn't care. She dies right out. He does die. So so God apparently I don't I again we don't get to hear it But then Sam walks in the room and God was like hey, I am gonna cure this bitch But you know, I didn't mean to make her that uncomfortable So I tell you what why don't you give her two tweaks on each cheekbone so that she'll feel great on the way out

Sam might as well just hold a pillow over her face. Finally, she's at peace. Papa told me to. So, a mentally ill elderly person is fondling his wife. As the time that the husband comes back in, looks at Mike and says, hey man, why are the two of you here in my wife's hospital room? And Mike's answer is, oh, it's fine, I'm the Reverend. Like, no, no, that's not fine. Like, you still have to ask and get permission and be in fight.

He's not there, Reverend, right? Also, that would make me more nervous. If I walked into a room and saw someone touching my wife and they were like, oh, don't worry, I'm a religious official. I'd be like one strike against you. My God. Right. No, it's okay. I come from the most molestie of all profession. But then he's like, well, actually, uh, Curtis is the character's name. He's like, well, actually Curtis, we came here to ask you a few and then Sam cuts him off. He's like, nope, we're just leaving. We're done. We're leaving.

Popus said to leave. We're going. And he's like, wait, no, if popus says to leave this whole scene makes no sense, we're running. This scene makes no sense. We need a 90 minutes. Or Amazon Prime would only give us $11 a dollar. So yeah, so they leave quite abruptly.

And then fucking shitty Christian music cuts in. And we get characters doing their thing as a montage. While the movie tries to figure out what the fuck it's even about now, right? The movie might as well say, what a great question. So yeah, we get the wife painting and the reporter typing and Mike hugging his wife, Sam looking pensively over the Appalachians, that's a montage in this movie. And it ends with the prosecutor calling Mike and offering up a plea deal. Right. All right, I'll let you describe the plea deal. Yeah the plea deal is six months probation with no fine. So that's nothing right like that is I this is

my I hate this in movie and TV so much more than because that is saying I will dismiss this case right like there was there was there was no it's not like Mike's gonna be like, well, I don't know, I mean, I might buy some like street meth in the next couple of months and like, have the spring back, no, come on. He's 105, like it is,

but at, and of course, like despite offering the opportunity to plea bargain to nothing, right? A, prosecutor has got to be a bitch about it because she's a lady. Of course. And B, of course we have to go through the heart wrenching scene of Mike turn of Sam

turning it down because while I'm not guilty, why should I plea bargain to any? And it's like you're plea bargaining to zero, right? Like yeah, and shit, I'm meant to be the second shooter on the grassy're plea bargaining to zero, right? Like, yeah, admit to it. And I'm shit, I admit to being the second shooter on the grassy null to get zero. Right. Right.

Right. Yeah. So yeah, so Mike goes to Sam to talk to him about the plea offer, but he didn't do anything wrong, dynamic. And the apostles wouldn't die for a lie. There was even Mike kind of looks at the screen Yeah, and the apostles wouldn't die for a lack There was even Mike kind of looks at the screen and breaks the fourth wall here and it's like yeah, I know that was That was a little over the top up. We won't do that one again. I'm sorry It's also weird because one of the apostles very clearly does take a plea deal in the Bible

The King's like hey get out and you're fine. He's like oh pleading awesome Yeah, yeah Oh Jesus spellor Um, yeah, so and then we got to Mike mountain biking some more when he just so happens to come upon The warden the hatcher and all the other bad guys in the middle of A conspiring yeah the bank ledger that they forged might as well be at this meeting like smoking a seat. Hey, how's it going? What's going on? We just came out to the middle of the woods to consp- Oh, damn it, a mountain biker. And Mike though is so fucking dumb

that he just rolls right up on him. And he's like, oh, is this a bad guy conspiracy meeting or? You guys little abduring the shit over here yeah I love it because the warden takes him aside he's like sorry let me talk to him for a second hey man what the fuck are you doing yeah and be clear what the fuck is he doing well right because he's like hey are these guys real estate developers he's like yeah real estate to why do you why do you ask? And he's like, well, you know, I just I really love this trail. I'd hate to see it developed. And I'm like, is the plot Mike trying to save his favorite bike trail now?

Is that the story? And the warden's like, well, I'll tell you what, why don't you not pursue this at all? And Mike's like, that is the it's the closest thing we have to a plot. I kind of have to. I don't you not pursue this at all? And Mike's like, that is the closest thing we have to go plot, I kind of have to. I don't, there's nothing else, there's no backup plan here. I am not not gonna pursue it, nor am I gonna fasten this bike helmet on my head that I have just put on.

Right. I, so okay. So now he's back home, watching his wife paint and he gets a phone call that cancels her wife from earlier side. There is no reason for us to, like, there, nothing is gained from adding her death to the film.

No, or the interview that comes right after it. There's no point to any of this. They just wanna make Papa's theme less powerful. I guess. Yeah, so he's like, oh, well, now that his dead wife is out of the way, I guess I can go ask Curtis some questions about the case, right? So he goes to the newspaper to chat with that guy.

And first, of course, the guy has to say, hey, I just want you to know that your prayer is really helped. And so did that old guys. My wife was so stoked about dying. She was so good. What could that possibly mean? Like she died within six hours of meeting these folks. Like, is he saying, yeah, no, I did. She would have died three hours in if you had shown up. Oh, God. Yeah, he's like, well, you know, I have to ask you about whether or not you helped to frame my client And he's like, well, I don't know about all that. He's like, well, I should point out that Sam has a magical relationship with the god of the universe

Jehovah himself and he's like, oh, well in that case By the way, I also have a subpoena By the way, I also have a subpoena I will pay the writers of this movie right now the actors in this scene anyone associated with this film in anyway whatsoever One million American dollars if they could define subpoena Your money is safe Printed it up on his printer at home. That's a printer. Oh my God. I wanted it to be a dot matrix,

subpoena, right? Where he's going to peel off the side things. You hear that like worrying noise of the daisy wheel like. It's fantastic printed this up on my calico, Adam. So that we can Mike delivering a sermon about, correct me if I'm wrong, about how magical prophecy dreams would be a perfectly legitimate vehicle for Christian story. Hey everybody, you can talk to God if you try hard enough and I wrote my notes, man, that's a homicidally dangerous lie. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, I heard none of the sermon because I just have

musical note ominous banjo, right? That's fair enough. It's like journey of the sorcerer, but only two notes, it's really weird. But then, okay, so Mike goes to see the prosecutor to tell her that Sam won't take the plea deal. And it turns out that the indictment has been dismissed. Sure.

Yeah. And these two characters do not look at each other and say, all right, so what the fuck are we doing in this movie anymore? Right, what is the movie even about? Also, she says that the bank doesn't want to press charges. It's the church that he embezzled money from. Right. Yes. And also pressing charges means being a cooperating witness. They have the ledger,

right? Like it's that that wouldn't matter in any way. What's so 100% here's what happened. The writers of this movie like looked at each other and said, can you write a trial scene? writers of this movie like looked at each other and said, can you write a trial scene? Can you write a trial scene? Then simultaneously shit their pants, right? And yeah, and so this is what we got instead. But it just misses charges is what they're probably to it.

Yeah, and that happens all the time. Mike might as well reach below the line of the screen and try to pull the credits up. You heard me the movies over. So he goes home to tell us why the good news. We have him and him and his wife and Sam and Sam's wife all having dinner together. Sam has a spiritual tummy ache. Okay. together. Sam has a spiritual tummy ache. Okay, tiny note, as this started, they're

peas and carrotsing, and the line that gets caught in actual audible dialogue is, I've eaten so much chocolate syrup. It goes weirdly loud for a minute, and there is not dessert on the table. So a glass full of Hershey's Sarpoo the fuck knows, yeah. Yeah, no, it goes great with your spaghetti, yeah. So yeah, but it seems like, oh my God, my stomach hurts. And Mike's wife is like, oh, you should take him to the hospital. He goes, nope, nope, this is a spiritual tummy ache. Muriel says he doesn't like the doctor.

I, it really felt like Muriel was a real person for a second there, like trying to break out of this movie going please help us like he is mentally ill He says whatever the fuck it takes to not go to the doctor, but like take him to the fucking doctor, please no come on Yeah, what does he need to do before we take him to a doctor. Yeah, an old person tells you it feels like an anaconda is constricting my insides, but in a magic way. No, like yeah, you call 911. Yes, but instead Mike gets a call just then and it turns out that his church is on fire. So he's got to he's got to go to it.

Yep. What is he going to blow real hard? Why does he have to anyway? So he goes to the church, Sam goes with him. The suspenseful music in the background is pretty sure something interesting is going on right here. We get another shot of this CGI fire

and it is not great. It hasn't gotten better with age. That's for sure. Yeah. There might as well just be like word art from word 97 in the corner being like fire and all red letters. So.

So okay, so now it's the church burns down. The next day we get the feds coming to talk to Mike, right? They think that Sam burned down Mike's church. Yeah, as we will learn, all policing in this universe is done by just someone randomly goes, I think it was Sam again, and they're like, yep, let's go fucking get him, that's all it takes. Well, they have evidence, Eli,

don't act like they don't have evidence here. They have a gas can that was abandoned at the scene that said Sam's lawn service right on the outside of it. Yeah, and when he's like, oh don't worry, he was with me and two other people. They're like, hmm, maybe the four of you burnt the church. Because to be clear, in order for the rest of this movie to happen, the feds have to be convinced Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He had an insurance settlement out of his right. He just works for the church. It is one hour and 10 minutes into this movie and they have just restarted the plot.

Yes! They were like, hey, why don't we frame Sam for a crime? Oh God, that sounds familiar. Well, they tugged on those credits and they just didn't come. That's the problem. But yeah, Mike doesn't care about their bullshit ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha business guys. So Mike goes to the jail to see Sam again. And while he's there, the cops show up to arrest him for also the same crime. Mike, we are so glad you're here. You're

under arrest. This is great. This is what I was saying. The same as the trial. Yes, prices these days. I gotta tell you, we should arrest lawyers as cook and spiriters more often. They're all in the same place with their clients. So, yeah, it's so handy. When they came in and arrested him, I wrote my notes and also for murder of yourself in the first degree. Well, Mike's like, well, wait, what are you arresting me for? And he's like, well, the person who called in the fire anonymously, a 911 from a pay phone and didn't leave their name, said they saw you in Sam leaving. And he's like, so Are you gonna somehow use that in a court of law or something? The anonymous 9-1-1? No, then what the fuck are we doing here? No, we just do whatever the phone tells us to.

That's why we have an honor-based arrest system here. Right, yes, you've been accused of a crime. We have to arrest you. That's the way the rules work in this universe. There is the only realistic scene in this movie in which Sam proceeds to describe to Mike, you know, all of the crazy shit he's been volunteering to the cops and you can see Mike like kind of slap his forehead and be like, Sam, we've been over this.

You're represented by council. Please don't talk to the fucking cops, okay? What you want to say is I declined to answer these questions and assert my fifth amendment privilege against self-incrimination And I've been speaking to you until my goddamn lawyer gets here. Yeah, there's just a moment trying to get out. Sorry But no, but of course then they then they they follow up that semi-accuracy with the scene where they arrest him and put him in the same cell as his Supposed accomplice. It's funny It's fun that they let them be roommates. Yeah, right, right. And Mike is like,

wow, this is a really crappy turn of events. And Sam says, don't worry. God has a plan. And I'm like, at this point, I don't even think the fucking screenplay has a plan. And I'm not buying it. Don't you worry, brother. God's got 26 more minutes of movie in store for you. Me at promise. Scott twenty-six more minutes of movie in store for you me So okay, so sometimes later they're they're having prison dinner Sam is saying grace went suddenly Tori Martin red headed our and raw from earlier shows up and he's like hey guys You probably forgot I was in the movie, but um, do you think you could minister to us criminals while you're here? And he's like, you know, I guess I sure can. Are you sure none of these floors are wet and you don't want me to slip

and fall Tory of the spine over there? But and and and okay, I get that this is a bit of a kindness to us. They do totally do over the prayer, right? Like, so I get that this little here preacher movie can't do any lawyer stuff, but like, could they not do any prayer stuff? Like, I can write you a fucking prayer right here. Come on. Yeah.

But yeah, and then we do totally do over that. And we immediately cut to Mike and Sam sitting around in their cell afterwards, going like, wow, that was pretty darn Christian. The thing we did, that was pretty darn Christian the thing we did. I bet if people had seen that prayer they sure would have probably convinced them atheists to turn their life over to Christ. Yeah so okay so the next day Sam wakes up he's had a prophetic dream so he has to write that down. Yeah he starts telling Mike about it and Mike's just like dude you're not fucking me afterwards I don't want to hear about another way your stupid goddamn dreams come on. We're in the same prison cell

I'm telling you your dreams And of course the movie is going to have an old person at anything and so I had tied an onion to my belt Which was the style at the time like Yeah great come on grandpa, but then at the time, like, I trust. Oh, God. Yeah, great. Come on, Grandpa. But then Mike has a prophetic dream as well, right? We get him waking up and he's like, hey, I think I just had with him God prophecy dreams as well.

And it has an eagle in it. And this is the second unintentionally hilarious moment because Mike says, yeah, I had an eagle in it and Sam says, oh, that is some next level prophecy when it has an eagle in it. And Mike says, yeah, what is that being? And he's like, beats the fuck out of me. No idea. It's just a, it feels great.

Oh, God. I love this. You want this black belt? You can have a black belt in Prophecy right now. I don't know when he is. All you have to do is do an eagle and you did what, so. Then number one ranked prophecy are now. Yeah.

So yeah, and then we get another scene of him sermonizing to inmates. And all we hear is like, but if you become Christian, your life sure will be better. Ah, man, right? He says, it's not too late to turn your life around and I wanted one guy to be like, I'm actually here for the rest of my life.

So it's literally too late for me. Okay, everyone else except for Alan. So yeah, so but the cops come in to tell Mike that his bail's been posted, but Sam's hasn't, right? So he leaves and there's this great moment where Sam just turns to everybody like apparently they're expecting him to now sermonize.

And he's like, yeah, everything he said, everything that guy said. I just do future dreams. Yeah. And honestly, I don't want to be a ballbuster, but you guys' future is all pretty similar. So, so my gets out of jail and he learns that it was lawyer friend who helped him out now I don't know if we mentioned this before but lawyer friend was one of the deacons at his church

Yeah, sure why not yeah, so he tells him at this point Oh also you're fired from your pastor job to now, you know because you burned down the building where you do it And Mike surprisingly like you know takes this rather well. He surprisingly, like, you know, takes this rather well. He's like, yeah, you know, I did. I do it part time. You have good reason to think I burned the building back up. This is an easy firing. Yeah.

Yeah, right, right. I was in jail when you decided to fire me. That's usually, you know, how that works. So, so he goes home. And then that night, Bryce the reporter comes to see Mike and his wife with a whole new plot. Right. So let me just, you know, because our listeners are probably as confused as we are,

Mike isn't anyone's lawyer anymore. Nope. Right. Sam is in jail for burning down the church for which Mike does not represent. I was not a part of the dream. It's not a part of the engagement letter, like the case that Mike was hired to do for Sam was dismissed. And by the way, Sam, Mike can't represent Sam in this

because they're fucking co-conspirators. Right. They're charged as co-conspirators. So yeah, this is just, the reporters got nowhere to go, I guess. Yeah. I've got all this plot. I got unloaded on some bodies hey as it go in the script writers are crying again

uh... go check out a gas station uh... go check a gas station yeah he says that nine eleven call was a setup he never tells us how he knows that uh... but he does know that it came in from a payphone near the church and he's like you know what i know exactly where there from a pay phone near the church and he's like, you know what? I know exactly where there's a pay phone near the church. There was an eagle sitting on it in my dream. Yeah.

So he goes to the store for this dream. And he sees there is a pay phone there. He picks it up to make sure it's really a phone. Yeah, and not candy always important. You know what's awesome? Like when you're being framed for something and then you go touch the key piece of evidence. So important. So important.

So important. You're acquittal. Yeah. Some mere your face all over it. And look, this scene is just a vehicle for him to see the fucking surveillance footage to see the actual bad guy. But I would like to credit a hero here

which is the teenage worker at the gas station who completely diffuses all the tension out of the scene Because he's like hey just that camera work and she's like, oh fucking now I'm playing And it's like do you know if those tapes are still going to fucking now playing candy crash I also love to that they've got a security camera pointed directly at the pay phone that can see nothing but the pay phone Yeah, what the hell do they think is happening? They don't want anyone to steal their antique pay phone. I get it all right all right So yeah, so so Mike talks to the boss the boss decided that he will check the security for footage for him and They're both watching it and they're like, holy shit, that's van

Turner. And every one of us is like doing a control F in our nose like we met a van Turner. Like literally the only reason I knew who that was is because I was trying to look up Tori Martin's name and I had to really go I had to comb through the IMDB page to find it. The fucking audacity of this movie to be like, oh, the audience is gonna definitely remember the mention of that guy whose face we didn't see in the trial scene from 67 minutes ago. There are Shakespearean scholars who wouldn't have caught that in the first folio. And at this weird moment where Mike's like,, can you record this this footage and the guys like this is a recording man

I just It's right here. This is not happening now live Go quick stop him. He's about to report me for stealing the fire It's also interesting how often van turner mugs for the camera during his illegal activity. It holds up the credit card he got paid by the bad guys with. Yeah, right, right. So, okay, so Mike goes to see Van Turner himself. Why would he not?

Right, what other possible thing could he do with this information? Andrew, how often do you investigate cases? As I have in my notes this is a law movie you had beyond because I'm a lawyer What yeah, he goes he goes to Vim Turner's house and just like you know walks in like you know To the dangerous criminal's house. So Vim comes around the corner with a gun. And we're like, yeah, well, I mean, it would be in your, you'd be justified

to shoot him dead right now, wouldn't you? But his gun isn't loaded, right? He pulls the trigger and it's empty. And then he goes, you know, I'm a criminal, I'm not allowed to have a gun. You have a gun. Yes, that is a gun. You don't have bullets, but like you have a gun.

I really wanted to flash gun to Vanit Tryout. Wait a second. With or without bullets, this is fucking crazy. That's just a heavy object without bullets. Why would I not? That's a to have the object without bullets. Why would I not? That's a paperweight. Yeah, so, but Mike explains that, you know, if he admits to trying to set him up for the arson, then the cops will go easy on him, but otherwise he'll end up taking the fall for all of it.

Yeah, he says, I want to plead deal. Why? Why would he of all people be able to offer that? He's a reverent or he's a fuck. He's an unemployed reverent. No, he's the defendant. It's worse than both of those. I'm real sure that I could get immunity from the prosecutor who fucking loves me. By the way, thinks I committed arson. Andrew, when we end up in court, and let's be honest right now with each other, eventually we will, I am going to turn to the other table and whisper like, I can get you guys a really good deal

i'm way way ahead of you you like that so okay so now we're we cut to the wardens office to mr foresters office uh and he gets a call from jack hatcher and he's like oh i can't represent you anymore he's like really why not he's like the movie is pretty much over now uh apparently. It kind of resolved, I don't know, mostly off screen. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. This is like the, all the bad guys get whacked at the end of Casino Montage, except, you know,

in a Christian movie. So it's like, we just quickly flip through everybody who's been a bad guy and they're going off to jail and we should all be happy. Yeah. Right. We also get, this is great. We get Sam. He's like, Pappa, if you could let me out Everybody who's been a bad guy and they're going off to jail and we should all be happy. Yeah, right We also get this is great. We get Sam He's like praying. He's like papa if you could let me out of jail That sure would be swell and then just then the cop comes in and says hey, you're out of jail

And he looks up at God and he says, oh you nailed it I'm like is that the first time it occurred to you to pray to not be injured even there for several days now His his new cell mates, don't listen to him. He's been doing that for like 45 minutes, but he's done that every 10 minutes. So, shit, imagine. He goes, who says prayer doesn't work? And I'm like, anybody who tested it,

it means I do. I do. And then he gets out, Mike is there. And he's like, you're a very good lawyer, Mike. And I'm like, he didn't do, like he filed a motion that the judge would agree to if it was in crann. And then he gave a guy a taught matrix subpoena. That's like all the lawyering he's done

in this entire fucking movie. A subpoena in a case where the prosecutions dropped the charges. Right, right. Before he showed up, yeah, let's be clear on that. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's Are you are you trying to set up a sequel here man? Probably the credits. Yeah, I'm a man I love that they're trying to wrap up like like a live show and we're about to fucking oh the space and extra thousand dollars She walks in pregnant

Literally the wife walks in pregnant. We see good lawyer guys. She's like you work here. I'm having the baby his name is Isaac Oh, yes, we have our own fruit jam company. Fuck Yep, she's like I'm all the way pregnant and he's like are you really sick the babies coming now? He's like really right now. She's like yep right now So they head to the hospital they they have the baby they name it Sam Sam Isaac right. Yeah, so apparently he was wrong about the baby. They name it Sam. Sam Isaac. Right. Yeah. So apparently he was wrong about the baby's name and his prophecy.

Also, can you just throw out there? If you have someone in your life who receives direct prophecy from God, maybe don't name any kids around that person Isaac. Yeah. Not a great trick record. Yeah. I imagine it. So yeah, and we get that Mike and Sam are now

like a Batman and Robin prison preaching team, apparently. Yeah, but also there's a montage in his law office. And the only reason I remember that is because it the camera pins over a framed newspaper headline that says Andrews and that's Mike's last name. He's Mike Andrews. Okay. Andrews puts forest behind bars and no Unless they montageed over him getting hired as a prosecutor and Separately charging forest with a different crime like does anybody in this law movie have the slightest idea of what a lawyer fucking does? No.

There's also this weird inexplicable ass moment. So the movie ends with like them looking at Mike's new baby, Sam is at the little window looking at the new baby and everything. And he goes, you know, I had a dream about your baby. I'll show you what I wrote in my notebook later credits credits it's a childhood lymphoma I don't know what that mean let's get some lunch all right so as heavy-handed as this movie has been I still don't know that the moral is clear. So what was the moral of the story?

I think it was when Noah asks you, if you'd like to guess, don't got awful movies, just say no. Oh. Ah. Damn, I was hoping that I would have something else. Yeah, I mean, honestly, that's better than the, when your grandpa starts rambling about the voices in your head, I honestly, that's better than the when your grandpa starts

rambling about the voices in your head, roll with it that I got from the station for a crime fighting duo with him. All right. Well, I guess that does it for our review of Mountain Top. It's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to run back around this track again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, no, we've got a real treat for next week. Little did I know that Donald James Parker's classic Gramps Goes to College has a sequel. Oh shit. So we will be watching in Gramps's shoes.

Oh, fuck, yeah, we will. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring up episode 352 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Andrit Torres for helping us out this week and a quick reminder to check the show notes for links to his podcasts and a perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com-slash-got-offal and thereby earn early access to an entry version of our episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and telling a friend about the show and sharing it on your all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and the Skating Aideas citation dated D&D minus in the Skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email us at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast or provide about a lot of this as a P and Dr. Torres, Tim Robbins and the handles of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Rideslap and Confidual Travis on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen right in Eli Bosnick. I'm an elusions promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. Divorce Lady from, you know, Scene 5, cop Mike Disbard for not disclosing the fact that her husband was hiding marital assets and why am I the only person who remembers he's a terrible terrible person.

I'm not just at all. Tori Martin became the first Christian movie actor ever to have been too good for a role. Tori Martin had lots of funny bits that they didn't let him do for this movie. The city podcast was a production of Buzzle Nothan at the understrum LLC, Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.