God Awful Movies - 355: A View to a Kill

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

This week, Moishe joins us to talk about the very worst selection in the James Bond franchise. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Looking for a stress-free summer? Hello, fresh sends you full proof step-by-step recipes and fresh pre-proportioned ingredients to make meal time a summer breeze. Get 16 free meals plus three free gifts with code awful16. HelloFresh.com slash awful16. And there's just enough air in the spare tire for bond to stay underwater and pretend to be dead for the 10 seconds that they wait and check to make sure they're dead. Yeah! Hey fuck you, fuck you guys, I thought the tire air thing was sick. I feel it. Is that even possible? I feel like the air- Oh, give a fuck you, man. It's a fucking James Bond movie. Let it be.

Does the air just come out of the spare tire when you take the cap off? Probably. He's James Bond. Everything comes when he touches me. God awful movie. Welcome back to God awful movies. Reach week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Ethan Wright and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnick Eli.

How's it going? Hey, karate. Karate, it's going karate. Excellent answer. We also have veteran guest, maskist and the karate kid to Eli's Johnny Lawrence. Moishie is here. Moishie, thanks for joining us. Thank you very much for having me. And Moishie, you actually helped pick this movie.

So why don't you tell us what are we going to be breaking down today and why perhaps? So the first thing people need to know about me is that I am a huge James Bond fan. I've seen every movie multiple times, and today we are watching a view to a kill. Ooh, a simple story about a young horse trainer who just wants what we all want really. Time for his hobbies, the approval of his father, a passionate romance, and an uncontested monopoly

over the world's microchip supply by blowing up Silicon Valley or flooding it or stealing all the fucking crabs. I don't know. This movie was a piece of shit. It's so bad. But it's good. Yeah, it's more one of those fucking things. Something, something in there. There's a plot technically and Eli, how bad. Good, amazing bad was this movie. Well, if the ending of the last Bond film bummed you out and you'd like to comfort yourself with the knowledge that James Bond has been dead for a long, long time, you will love this movie. It's Reaganomics the Bond movie. Yeah, that's accurate. And

is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'll go first. This was without question, the best worst shoe warning of a film's title into the script. I have ever encountered in my life. He might as well follow it up with, huh? Huh? The title said the name of the movie. Yeah, and it's not even a kill. It's many kills.

He's a terrorist. It doesn't make any sense. At best, it doesn't make sense. And they say it in front of the pilots who have no content. There's a lot to unpack there. We'll get to it. Sure. The pilots are like, are you dropping a title or something of our lives? What's happening there? That didn't make sense. You said, have you do a kill? I'm going to go with best worst assassination plot. So there's several things I could be talking about in this movie so many. I'm going to I'm just going to briefly name one. There is an assassination based on butterfly puppetry.

Yep. That's all I'll say right now. Mm-hmm. And of course, I'm going to go with best worst. What the fuck is this movie about now? Okay. So look, I get that all James Bond films follow the same plot. They're like, Hey, here's this very obvious

bad guy. Go do whatever rich guy thing he's into, find out how that relates to the bad kindness of him and then kill him on top of a high object. And this movie follows that formula to a certain degree, except it loses its thread so many fucking times as to what this movie is about and what the bad guy might be doing. It's like they're trying to narrate a plot they came up with while they were drunk as they shoot it. To be fair though, that is a consistent problem in almost every Bond film. I have seen every Bond film probably three times.

There are four I could tell you the bad guys like plan. Yep. It's like fucking four because all the rest are like political, root, gold, burnt devices. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they lose the plot and then we watch them in the movie like reconstruct yarn to put their plot back together so fucking slowly. It's amazing.

And they care so little that they don't even recap it, right? Like most complicated movies would be like, okay, so it was this, this, this, and this at the end. And bond movies never give a shit about that. They're just like, here's some plus egg. He's gonna fuck you. The end. Do you remember what we were doing here? Don't matter. Look at this little guy fucking that kid.

All right. Well, speaking of James Bond's very problematic sex life, we're going to take a quick break and then we'll back to tell you all about a view to a kill. Hi, I'm Moshe Schwartzbaum. Well, whenever we decided my name is, and as a person with a Jewish name, both on this show and in real life, I can personally tell you that a deep and abiding part of Jewish culture is therapy. That's right, Moshe. And there's no better way to get that therapy than better and in real life, I can personally tell you that a deep and abiding part of Jewish culture is therapy. That's right, Moishi. And there's no better way to get that therapy than better help. What's better help? Oh, he's, you're not even Jewish. I know I'm Jewish people can have therapy too.

Better help is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's affordable. Financial aid is available. And you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Plus, God awful movie listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better. H-E-L-P.com slash awful. Better help. Therapy, when you need it, whether or not you're Jewish. But especially if you're Jewish. Yeah, for sure, if you're Jewish. Man, I would sell my soul to make a great movie.

Did someone say, say, you're a soul? I can offer you power, money, fame. Wow, are you? Are you like Satan? Oh, no, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a, I'm a minor demon from the fifth level of hell. Oh, what, what, what happened to Satan? I mean, I don't, I don't want to be the one to break it to you,

but you don't have a particularly valuable soul. So this, this has gotten passed down the chain to me. I'm, I'm a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, you, but you don't have a particularly valuable soul, so this This has gotten passed down the chain to me. I'm I'm a good-garris. Oh Got it, but you can still make me a great movie maker, right? Great. No, but I can make you a movie. Hey, how'd you like to work with Christopher walk in huh? Oh? Fuck yeah, Christopher. He's a pretty good actor, I guess. Right, he's an actor for sure that you've heard of and James Bond. John Connery! Nope.

Pierce Brosnan. I can do Roger Moore, but hey, it's not Timothy Dalton, right? So you'd Roger Moore? Yeah, I guess, I mean, a Bond movie with Christopher Walken sounds Okay, who's the Bond girl a literal child Yeah, no, it's cool. It's like the 80s or whatever. Hey super not cool at all What about the henchmen? Do I get like a cool and like odd job or jaws? Oh? Yeah, no, it is it's a pretty cool henchmen. It is grace Jones, you know, the super model

with super strength. Like like the model grace Jones? Yep, with super strength. For my soul. For your soul. Yeah, for your model soul. Let's get it. It's the 80s. Yeah, exactly. At a boy. And we're back. And we're going to start off the movie with a disclaimer. It says on the screen, neither the name Zorin or any other name in this film is meant to portray a real company or actual person. And that, that put this in because the movie forgot to do a trademark search. And there was a Zoran corporation in real life that made microchips in real life.

Oh, no, they didn't, so they didn't make microchips. I looked into it, they made fashion. They were like a fashion design company. And the reason I found that surprising is, because I legit, like I've seen so many episodes of Law and Order, I forgot that those, this is not based on real events warnings, used to be sincere. You know what I mean? I'm so used to that being like a bullshit way to get around the fact that you've so clearly

just like stole the anaduvery story and put it on your fucking TV show. That when I saw it on this movie, my first assumption was like, oh, I guess this entire film is based on a true story. Also on the screen for me right at the beginning was trivia from Amazon and it says, Roger Moore technically wasn't that much older than Grace Jones and Tony Roberts is too female coasters. And yeah, he was, he was, he was noticeably older than both of them. Oh, God, he's so, he's so old that his opening, you know, that thing we're bon, like the thing focuses on him and then he quick draws to screen and shoots it. It's

very clearly motivated by not hurting his back when Roger Moore does. He's like gentle, Roger, gentle. Remember what the doctor said? There we go. Gotcha. I'm James Bond. Yeah. He's looking old, but he's going to be Bond for today. So we open with two henchmen flying a helicopter somewhere in Russia and Bond is there too. He's on skis and he's finding a dead body using a walkman or a very obviously like rigged out flashlight they found. Yeah, I will say that like this almost got my best worst gadgets because every gadget in this movie is something we actually have here in the year of our Lord 2022, but 10

times smaller and better. Yeah, the gadgets are fucking bad in this film. This is not bond at his best bite, any stretch of the imagination. And so bond is skiing, right? And then the guards chase him, right? Right. He steals this microchip thing, which is going to be important later from the dead body of another spy.

And then they have the ski chase. This British guy who is 108 years old is much better at skiing than a team of Russian ski commandos, of course. Yeah. So he's getting away and then he steals a snowmobile, which turned out to be made of gasoline and he bales right before it blows up. But then he's snowboarding because it was 1985. And they are really excited about snowboarding being

like an invention. And because there's only so much you can have somebody do on skis to make them look good at skiing, they have to make the Russian guards look really bad, right? And like for order and for him to get away. And it looks like every Russian guard in this film got their ski training from a vaudeville comedian. They are legitimately doing pratfalls. They're legitimately doing Pratt Falls. They're doing Pratt Falls, that's correct.

Absolutely. Watching these guys ski is like watching someone try to run on a banana peel in a Hanabar Barbarra cartoon. Like their legs are... Yeah, they run... Yeah, they run a... ...creating dust cloud. They run into a pain of glass somehow.

Yeah, it's ridiculous. You can almost, if you like, really focus, you can almost hear the sound of one of them going like, Oh, hear the snare drum in the background, put it on the back of the one. And he goes over like an icy lake, but it's water for most of this. And he's on a snowboard. And that's the same thing as surfing on water. So he goes right over it, no problem.

And then the commandos on skis, there's no such thing as water skis. So they fall into the water. He gets away. The other fun fact I found in looking the scene up is that apparently snowboarding was so new at the time that the only stunt guy they could get to do the snowboarding scene was the guy who invented the snowboard. Yeah, because it was so new, which to me is fun because that means like the conceit of the film is that, you know, occasionally in between saving the world and banging supermodels, James Bond just casually invents winter sports. Yeah. Right?

Because like somebody wasn't a thing yet. Yeah. So he makes it across the lake area and he gets to a British submarine. There's a little hatch that pops up with British flag and and that submarine is wearing an iceberg to blend in like a lion hunter like a like a bad Halloween costume. It's been too much time. Yeah. The tag still on it, but he jumps into the submarine and he gets away and inside is a woman

from 70s porn driving it who's also a spy for MI6, I guess. Okay. And this is the first and definitely not the last time that they will be like, all right. Now you're going to kiss that super old dude because he's sexy international spy James Bond. And you could just like actors didn't get good until 1992. So you could just see this actress being like, all right, here we go. Kissing 75 year old Roger Moore. Oh, God, you taste like worthers. Oh, I also want to talk to like the MI6 engineer who designed the submarine that was custom built to be a fuck pad. Yeah. Right. This government military submarine looks like it was designed based on the sketches of a

strip clubs VIP room. There's literally, there's no bedrooms. There's just a giant circular couch that rises out of the floor. Is there a champagne room in this spy submarine? Yes, there is. The whole thing is a champagne room. I've seen less obvious attempts to get people to fuck on a birthright trip. So yeah, they sail away to Alaska to escape on autopilot and they they fucked for five days

because it's James Bond. And now we get a cut to the like beginning musical number. There's a glowy makeup lady dancing to Durand Durand playing the title song called Not the Title of the Movie. It's called Dance to the Fire, but in parentheses, a huge will kill. Fun fact, this song literally broke up Durand Durand. As well it should. It did. Yeah.

Also, we also learned here that the movie was produced by a guy named Broccoli, and that's the least silly thing about this movie. Yeah. The whole opening number looks like a pornographic music video shot in a laser tag arena. Yeah. Absolutely. Which sounds amazing. Can I tell you, I think it's because it was a pornographic music video,

shot in a laser tag arena. Right, so they finished up the musical number and now we're at the MI6 office in London and Bond is checking in with Money Penny, who of course is trying to flirt with Bond, that's her thing. And I wanted it to go a little further. I wanted her to be like,

hey, just so you know, I'm the only woman in this entire universe within three decades of your age. So I'm your girl. Would you like to flirt with me or the queen? Because we are appropriate ages for you to be flirting with Roger Moore. Child and the answer was child for the rest of the movie. Yeah, it's a consistent theme in the Bond films that the idea of him fucking this woman who is an age appropriate is a self evident punchline. Yeah, it's gross. It's gross. So he walks into the office and we meet Q here too.

Q is their invention guy and he's playing with a really bad remote control car. I almost went with best worst Q invention because this Q invention will not matter until literally the very last scene of the movie and it's a remote control car. I would say seven or eight times the size of the one we have today. Yeah, it's it's terrible. Yeah, usually the movies start with like Q kind of like casually introducing the thing that'll end up helping bond save the day. And in this case, it just ends up being a stalker robot. Like it just ends up being like,

cues fucking porn goggles. That's the entire thing. But we do learn the basis of the plot here. Q explains that he's got this microchip and it's magnet proof. It's the most advanced microchip in the world. And the one that bond recovered from the dead body is one of these new microchips. And it was stolen by the KGB. So the KGB stole this advanced new microchip from a corporation called

Zorin Corporation. And that's that's going to be Christopher walking. Yeah. So from there now that we know the plot is something about microchips, we cut to a horse racing track. Yes, we do. And that makes sense. They're spying on Christopher Walken on Zoren here at the track. Yeah.

And by the way, the movie will be about horse racing for the next 30 minutes. And if you're like, oh, wait, I must have missed something as they were talking about the movie just now. No, no, no, no, we have accurately depicted the plot of this movie. They're like, yes, microchips from the Zorin corporation. Quick to the horse races. Yep.

And we meet Grace Jones here. She's Mayday in this movie. She's his henchwoman. And she's doing spy stuff. She's wearing a bright red like avant-garde art dress thing with a spy that often do he really? It's specuous. In addition to being a spy slash assassin, she's also, I think the horse whisperer for Zoren because Zoren owns horses. His horse wins this race. They speculate that he's cheating somehow

with microchips that speed up horses. And the horse that wins kind of freaks out for second and Mayday whispers the horse. Yeah, this will not matter, but it's just a weird glimpse into her multi job thing. I also love that when they introduce Mayday, you know, they're looking at us through the binoculars and bonds like, who's that? And they're like, oh, she goes by Mayday. She's always with him. We're not sure what her job is. And I'm just like, you think they'd have learned after odd job and gold finger that if the name rhymes, they're definitely a henchman. Like nobody's name in these movies ever rhymes that they're not going to be like throwing somebody off a bridge. Yeah. I'd also like to point out two things about the Grace Jones character of Mayday.

Okay, first of all, it's so fucking weird that it's Grace Jones, like this fashion slash supermodel slash black empowerment icon as a James Bond henchman, right? It's not like fucking jaws was played by, you know, an East German philosopher and odd jobs played by like, you know, the prime minister of Japan. It's just an incredibly culturally weird. If Bell Hooks was in Casino, right? We'd be like, what the fuck is Bell Hooks doing in the middle of Casino, right? But Grace Jones is just a super powered supermodel who will do literally all the jobs for Christopher walking.

Correct. So what we learn here, it's about horses and microchips. And bonds boss at MI6 has a detective friend in France who's investigating Zorin at the time. So now bonds going to go to France and meet with that detective to learn stuff about Zorin and horses and microchips. Queue James Bond pet detective. Yeah.

So, Bond goes to the restaurant inside the Eiffel Tower to meet with the French detective guy whose name is Achilles eggplant in France. It's a shale over Jean. Yeah. Now, you might think that silly,, but you gotta remember this movie was produced by a guy whose last name is broccoli. So for him, that was a totally normal name to have. Oh, you think they're just doing like a plant thing?

Maybe. Interesting. Well, this is where we get my best worst or part of it. There's a murder plot happening. And it's gonna happen during Dominique and her enchanted butterfly act at the Eiffel Tower restaurant. Again, you might feel like you missed something you didn't. No, I've not skipped any details. This is what happens.

We are relaying the order of actions in this movie and we were as good. The only advantage is the movie never turned to us and was like, no, really, that's what fucking happens. We had to keep going back on Amazon Prime to make sure we didn't black out for 26 minutes. Yep. So this woman Dominique comes out on stage and starts whistling and dancing with butterfly puppets flying around in front of her. They're on fishing poles from people backstage. And then we see one of those people dressed in all black with the fishing pole get karate

chopped in the neck by we learn Mayday. And Mayday takes over doing the butterfly puppet thing. All of this is a ruse so that Mayday can murder the French detective under the cover of butterfly puppetry? Yes. She stabs him in the face with a butterfly puppet and he dies. I feel like she made this plot way harder than it had to be.

And look, in a cinematic universe that involves painting people's bodies to kill them. You know, fucking, just every, you know, squeezing people to death with your thighs, you know, in a series that has some truly pulpy and comical assassinations. I cannot stress how far in a way, stupider this one is than all the rest. The puppet.

It's so bad. I rewound it to make sure I wasn't fucking crazy because she's dangling the butterfly puppet on the fishing pole. And I can't think into myself like, okay, clearly this they're setting up the assassination. You can tell where they're going with this. So like, how is she gonna kill him with a butterfly on a fucking fishing street? And in my head, I was like, oh, I get it. She'll like somehow wrap it around his neck and like hang him. That would have done it. And I was like, if that happens, I'm gonna be super fucking annoyed because that's fucking stupid. And then they do the other thing, and I was like, I really wish she'd hung them

with the fishing balls. So much, Dumber. It's a butterfly puppet neck dart that she like casts at his neck. And it like, no, it's like a throwing star. No, no, no, dude, it's just the hook from the butterfly, I think. Yeah.

Like the butterflies are on these little hooks, right? So that they can sort of dance around. And she lightly grazes him in the neck and he just dies. Oh, she, she jugular veins him with the hook off the fishing pole. I think that's the implication, but it doesn't like, she doesn't bleed out like she just like lightly scratches his neck. I mean, if it was poison and you see it stuck in his neck and he just, I don't think it's poison.

I don't think the implication is that it was poison. I'd love for them to imply it was poison that would help a little So he the guy dies and his face lands in his soup Mm-hmm and bond you know sees the assassin and he goes to check on the guy the guy just face plants in his soup The thing yet to me in his neck he face plants into soup. Bond checks his pulse to make sure he's dead for all of two and a half seconds. Like literally puts his fingers on the guy's neck, but does not take his face out of the soup. Nope. Can't be bothered. Bond's just like he's dead. Like the guy could literally be in the soup being like actually

I think it's just a freshman with some severe medical. No, dead super dead And like actually, I think it's just a fleshroom with some severe medical, no dead, super dead comment. Makes his killer man. And then it doesn't help at all just and doesn't even start chasing her, but rather than take this poor fucking guy's head out of his soup goes, there's a fly in his soup and then cases which doesn't make sense. Oh, because butterfly. It wasn't a fly.

It's a butterfly. And there's not and there's not a butterfly, it's a black butterfly. And there's not, and there's not a butterfly in his, like even if, if the butterfly was in his soup, that would be one thing. It was the, they sat there and they were like, okay, butterfly, you know, there's a fly in his soup. No, that doesn't make sense. No.

So now we get the chase scene on the fire scape of the Eiffel Tower, bonds chasing Mayday. At one point, she catches him as if he is a fish with her butterfly puppet fishing pole. Also, it's so fucking clear that it's Mayday. It's so, it's so obvious that it's Grace Jones because she's wearing like a ninja suit because it's Grace Jones, but she's also kept her giant vertical hat on under the ninja suit. Because it's Grace Jones. But she's also kept her giant vertical hat on under the ninja suit. She has no shoes. Also, like, I'm just sorry to point it out. She's the only black person in the movie.

And the mask only covers half her face. Yep. And they make eye contact. So it's increasing the whole thing is pretty useless, but yes, sorry, go on. Yeah, Grace Jones holding up a newspaper. That's Grace Jones with a newspaper. Like, you know what's happening? That's a, that's a woman who's so distinct looking. She's famous for it. She's a super mom. Literally, yes. And bonds like, I wonder who that mysterious thing make them all watch. Yeah, exactly. It was the 80s.

It was okay to call them that back then. So Grace Jones slows them down with the fishing pole. Bonds like, I know it's a fishing pole. That's really nothing. He pursues, but she dives off the Eiffel Tower and Paris shoots away. So Bond runs back downstairs and he steals a cab and he chases her around Paris for a little bit. But she lands on a river boat that's having a wedding

and Zorin, Christopher Walken, is waiting right next to that river boat with a speed boat to take her away. So I just wanna be clear, the plan was to jump at the exact moment that she did and land on a moving boat and he would be right next to it. Was he invited to the wedding? Oh, maybe he got himself invited. So they get away in the boat and now we cut James Bond getting yelled at by his boss for, I would imagine killing a whole bunch

of people in that ridiculous car chase with the cab. Yep. Also, they used the stunt guy again for the car chase scene and like whoever edited this movie was just like, I'm going to try to get as many close-ups of not Roger Moore's faces humanly possible. And I can't stress enough, I look more like Roger Moore than he does. Yep. Yeah.

Maybe they were thinking if they filmed enough of the stuntmen, they would just switch him out at the end and that would be the new boss. Roger Moore could be his grandpa or something. Fantastic, but no. So we also learn here that Zorin is selling a bunch of thoroughbred horses at his horse castle nearby. So now, Bond's going to go check that out. And Bond's going to pretend to be a wealthy horse guy who just shows up randomly named Sinjin Smive. I just want to say, I'm super confused why this horse auction is the plot of the movie now. So it's

the movie, but they went with it. Yeah. So he shows up and the evil head of security for Zorin is being suspicious, but not enough. He's just like, yeah, well, we do allow random new guys to show up. I suppose that's you. Let's, let's give you the tour. Yeah. He shows up with a fake name. He's like, hello, I'm here to buy a horse at the horse auction because that's what this

movie is about now. And the guys like, well, that all tracks for me. You can stay in our bad guy layer. Unquiet really quick name a horse thing horse. All right, let's go. Let's do it. You passed it. Yeah. What sound does a horse make? Yeah. Too slow. Well, let's go close. Yeah, you got a 50. It's fine. It's like the driver's test. Right. One of the little detail James Bond's chauffeur guy, but actually an MI6 guy named Tibbet sneaks into the stables at this point and he appears to steal a handful of horseshit like just to have it.

This this character Tibbet will do two things before he's killed spoiler alert. He will sneak around the stables not finding very obvious bad guy stuff and being upset that he has to pretend to be a chauffeur. Yeah, and collecting horseshit. Yeah, but to be fair, Roger Moore spends 80% of this movie abusing Tibet. He does. True. Yeah, but a lot less than that because they have to kill Tibet really soon. But yes, 80% of Tibet on screen is just Bond abusing him. God, is it really soon? It felt so fucking long from now.

It's a long, long, long, that fucking film. So Bond finishes up taking the tour of the horse auction stuff. And then later that day, he shows up at Zorin's chateau next to the horse area to meet with Zorin. And Bond is greeted by very clearly a Nazi equestrian themed porn star. Her name, her character's name in the real movie is Jenny Flex. Yep.

Yeah, they literally named this girl's submission. Like the subtlety, but also, I think there's some really good evidence in this scene for the theory that all James Bond movies are part of a shared continuity because when she tells him her name, he's like, oh, bet it is. Versus when Sean Connery finds out Pussy Gullower's name and he goes, she's like, I'm Pussy Gullower and he's like, you must be joking. So it's got to be part of a shared continuity because clearly he was like surprised, but then and now he just assumes every woman's name is a sex pun and he's just like, sure, why not?

I'm fucking, cocks, fucking McGee. My name's guys, fucks kids. It's German. I wish Spider-Man was in this movie so we could get one of those like, oh, we're doing fake names. Moments. Fun fact, super not fun fact. This, Genie Flex is Alison Dudi, that's a real name, who turned 18 during the filming of this movie. Is that true? Yep. They paired the oldest bond with the youngest bond girl. Great.

Nice. Okay, let's just move on to the thing. Does he hook up with Genie Flex? No. No. I guarantee you he did not because at some point grandpa more was like i see show you all one of the girls james will be seducing and she was like i like high school he was like okay it's the eighties but fuck that

all right it's just fucking scene with her is over we're gonna do truly later on there's some moments where roger more looks like he doesn't want to do it. No, nobody wants to do it. This whole scene with her and him is just like, I don't like this. I actually don't like it either. Roger Moore's come out and talked about it. Before he died, Roger Moore actually commented on how uncomfortable he was with it in this

film. I assume that was five minutes before the end of this movie. That's what he died to. Right. So Jenny Flex brings them into the chateau. They're going to stay there for the rest of the horse auction for the next few days. And they get shown to their room, and they check the room for bugs, and they find one security bugged every room so that they could listen to rich people say how much they'll pay for each horse so they can make more money at the auction. And this is where we get the dumbest spy thing.

Bond and Tibbet put a walkman on the table next to the bug they find, and it's a tape of them bickering with each other as if that's actually his chauffeur. And this is to trick security, like they knew this was all going to happen and they would need to trick security just so that they could walk out onto the balcony and talk, which they could have done anyway. No one's ever bugged a balcony. Yeah, which also means that in

order to prepare for this mission, they were like, okay, great. James, we need you and Tim it to get in the sound studio and record six and a half hours of bitchy horse. Horse fighting. So now we cut to the reception for the horse auction. It's starting up and Bond is just, he's very clearly spying on stuff. He's just walking around being like spy, spy, spy. And Mayday, who's in charge of security for Zorin, is watching him. And she like does the eye thing, points at her eyes, points his eyes. And she's like,

you're clearly a spy. I'm going to try to murder you later. Yeah, I'm confused. She's personal security for the mansion, as well as its butterfly assassin. She's wearing a lot of hats. Yes, absolutely. And she's also literally wearing a lot of hats. Crazy. Yeah, she's also wearing a lot of hats. Yeah. I also would like to point out that I think part of the reason Bon's able to get away with this is because it's a very loosely themed party. Yeah.

There's like five guys dressed like the French Revolution, a gay shot because why the fuck not? And everyone else just in fucking tuxedos. And why was Roger Moore wearing like a baked leather mask at the start? Wait, what? Oh my god, was that his face? Yeah, no, that was his face. That's Roger Moore.

That's Roger Moore. So yeah, Bond, at this point, sneaks into one of Zoran's offices inside the chateau. And maybe you guys can explain what the fuck happened here. He finds a checkbook in a drawer of a desk and then he uses a magic Swipey thing that I imagine like magicians have and the swipey thing Let's him see what the last check that Zorin wrote said yep makes an exact copy of the last check that was written on that checkbook Okay, so in the movie, we're just supposed to learn that $5 million was written as a check

to somebody named S Sutton. But how would the check go through that device and they pop out the bath? Such a good question. That's actually a real spy crash thing. I know because I like spy crash things. It's because of the impression on the next check under it from

the pen. Wait, no, I got that part, but how would the check physically go from the front of this flat solid device to the back where he pulls it out from? Cause, cause Spice, though, cause Spice. Yeah, I can explain it to you, but then I'd have to kill you. Yeah, Moisha, did you write this movie? You have to tell us. It's like being a cop. No. I'm a spy. All right.

So Bond finds this check. He's going to use this information later. And then he goes outside and he goes to the bar and he starts talking with Zorn. Zorn walks over. Bond's like, cool. So, yeah, you're into horses. What about fishing? Are you into fishing poles?

What if I had a puppet murder or whatever? And Zorn's like, all poles, butterfly, puppet murder, whatever. All right, I'm going to take off. I don't know. Maybe if I'm fuck one of these children at my party, enjoy. These writers thought they nailed it so hard with the butterfly assassination that they felt compelled to remind us that it happened. Do you remember that scene from earlier where we did that very clever thing we stole from an earlier bond movie, nailing it. And then yes, Ezoran walks away.

He says, like, why don't you go flirt with that literal child? Yeah, that was right. I just make that up. That's what he says. Yeah, he literally is basically just like a lot of young women here to fuck in my right, change my mind right. Have I ever seen my friend Jeffrey Epstein?

Yeah, gross. Yeah, I killed Natalie Wood. So, he's the Christ. Christopher Wacken. Mayor Maynard have done that. So, Bond does exactly what the evil villain just said he should do at this point. And he walks over to a very young woman at this party to flirt with her. Okay, so just to be clear, this is Allison Doody, right? That's a real name. She turned 18 during the filming of this. The only scene in the movie that she

participates in is this one where 78 billion year old Roger Moore walks over and is like, hello, what if we fucked and she'd be like, I don't know, I think that's illegal even now in 1984 when we're making this and he's like, it sure the fuck is good bye from the movie forever. Yep. And then, okay, this was actually kind of good to mitigate all this terrible stuff we're talking about. At this moment, Mayday and Zoran C Bond flirting with this very young person. And Zoran's like, Hey, so that random guy that

we let show up, he was being weird earlier, he very clearly referenced a murder that I just did with butterflies. I feel like that was suspicious. Keep an eye on him. And Mayday goes right over and rescues this very young woman from bond. So yes, I was on team Mayday and Zorn for the rest of the movie at this point. Yeah, I was totally team made a here. She just walks over and she's like, hi, yeah, I know this is a Bond film and everything, but this is gross. I'm ending this scene now. I'm Grace Jones. Goodbye. Yeah, very important. This, this may be a little bit happy about the terrible things that were happening. Also, can I just say that the like super strong

Grace Jones supermodel, I really regret not having discovered this film earlier in my life. I kind of feel like this was Lady Dimascu before Lady Dimascu. I want Grace Jones to step on my neck. This is what I'm saying. Sure. She would be willing. Oh man, wait, wait till I tell you about a little lady named Zenya on a top from Golden. No, I was where I'm very well. Would you have surprised for you? Fun fact. No, there was a big awakening with Zenyana.

Believe me, I'm deeply aware of Zenyana. I have a lot of unhealthy squeezing needs. Okay. Well, I don't know what the literary reference you made exactly was, but I would like Grace Jones to step on my neck probably. I like regardless of what that was referencing. All right. So bottom line, an assassin just prevented a sex crime by the protagonist as far as we know.

So we're going to need a quick break for a shower and then we'll be back for act two of a view to a kill. Some people will come up with any excuse not to exercise. Isn't that right, Moichi? I don't know what you're talking about. No, you didn't once try to get out of going to the gym by rescuing a hurt pigeon. Hold on, I didn't read this. Who put that real story in this sketch? I write all the sketches. It's me. For the listeners, this is a true story and you need help. Hmm, sure he did. Well, now there's FitBod. FitBod Smart Workout Up gives you the custom tailored workouts

you need to keep the burn going all summer long wherever you go. So no need to pretend you care about birds to get out of it. I have witnesses. He had a broken wing and he lived two more weeks at the bird sanctuary on the upper west side. And have you ever rescued a bird before or since that moment? Yes! No, you do not. Do you have a pet bird? Yes! No, you do not. FitBod Smart Workout app creates a custom dynamic program based on your goals, experience,

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were extremely helpful and I will not despair as your script demands me to. They were extremely helpful and I highly recommend the bird sanctuary on the up for West side. Crush your summer fitness goals with personalized workouts from FitBod that improve as you do. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free when you sign up now at fitbot.me slash cam. That's 25% off your subscription or try it for free at fitbot.me slash cam. FitBod, don't be the worst like Moishi. Hello, you wanted to see me comrades. Yes, Mr. Zorin, come in. You remember comrades

skins? Hello. Of course, of course. How can I help you, gentlemen? Right, so first of all, we just want to say that we're very excited for all the bad guy stuff you're doing for us. The horse thing, super great, really. Oh, wow, wow, so nice of you to say. Thank you, thank you. But if we want to talk to you about your murders, my murders, what's the problem? There are little, how do we put this, sir?

Convaluted. Exactly, you're included, really. How? Okay, so like the other day with the horse racing guy, you assassinated him with a poison butterfly on a fishing pole. Well, that was the theme of the performance, unstaged, the perfect crime. No, no, it really wasn't. He screamed and then you're assassin and ran away and had big chase. Yeah, you could have just shot him with a gun. Yes, being of which. The next day, you tried to kill James Bond with a booby trapped horse track.

He escaped. Bastard. Right, but again, you could have just shot him with a gun. The gun. It's not like the cops were going to show up and be like, Oh, this looks like a normal booby trapped horse right death to me, you know, so just use a gun. But the tension, it's all about the tension.

Literally no tension man, no tension. At any moment, he couldn't just stop riding his horse. Honestly, I wouldn't stop riding the horse. You're super lucky he didn't do that. All right, all right gentlemen, I can see my work. It, uh, this pleases you. Perhaps you'd like to step outside so I can apologize to you.

Do you have a super convoluted way of killing us outside? It only works if you have total social agreement. Nah. He totally does. He totally does. I'm just not going to do it. And we're back. James Bond just got heroically cock blocked and Tibbet, the chauffeur guy is in the stables getting more shit for his collection, I guess he's claiming he's doing spy stuff, but I think he's just collecting shit. Okay. So what he's looking for at this point is, and we didn't talk about this scene because

it didn't matter, the horse, the winning horse from earlier in the race that they think is cheating disappeared when Tibbet went in there to look for it. So now he's looking for where the horse went. Okay, got it. So whatever, they're checking out the stables, and James was already in there actually, and he found a secret elevator that goes to a basement that's full of evil sciencey stuff. It includes there's a radioactive sign on a door in this basement to like some area and that door is open, which I think. Yes, it is. I just want to point out how absolutely fucking lucky of a break it was for Bond,

that the horse stuff turned out to be it all related to the microchip stuff. Yeah. Like what if they just found like a regular horse steroid lab? Right. You know, I'm going to be honest with you guys, I really thought this was going to pan out. And I've got some great news.

I've discovered that Zora is cheating at horse racing. Right. Yeah. Shit. cheating at horse racing. Right. Yeah. Shit, Silicon Valley's underwater. Right. So they check out this evil science lab and they find out that the microchip thing, that the microchip is in the horse and it's controlling an injection of steroids at the right time during the race.

So that's how Zorin might be cheating in horse racing. Not that really matters. At this point, some henchmen are coming into the secret basement. So so bond and tidbit have to sneak away to a different area of the evil basement. That's the t-shirt I want to sell for this episode. None of that really matters. But anyway, yeah, we're just we're going to get a henchmen fight now. Yeah. They start fighting and it's very silly. Okay. Now question about this henchman because he, you have an amazing description of one of these henchmen in your notes, but I need to know, was this henchman literally Rob Reiner? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, man. That's right. Reiner.

It's, this, when you have henchmen and you're gonna have a fist fight with them, you kind of need them to be, you to be big and imposing and scary. Rob Reiner, I guess, is big-ish, but like... But Jolly, he's Jolly big. I'm talking old Rob Reiner, not like Mikey Rob Reiner from all in the family when he was athletic-looking, relatively. It's old Rob Reiner. No, no, no.

It's Rob Reiner as you remember him from yesterday. Like, it's Rob Reiner as you remember him from yesterday. Like, it's Rob Reiner from 2022. To the point where I had to recheck how, like, what year this movie came out, because I severely overestimated the amount of time it took for Rob Reiner to start looking like the Rob Reiner we now know. I assumed there was like 30 years of slow aging between when all in the family ended and the time he like appeared on Bill Mar. But it turns out that the moment that series ended, he just like ran around the sun three

times. Yep. No, he just, he saw ghost the day it ended and just all the hair fell out and everything else turned white. Right. So bond and tibet fight the henchman, one of them being old Rob Reiner. And they're in the, the packaging line area of this secret basement. Like why would Zorin's microchip company have a packaging line in a secret basement for horse steroids

altogether in a chateau in France. No idea. Great question, but bond beats up old Rob Reiner and like throws them on the packaging line and then the packaging thing like puts them in a box and then sends it to the assembly line. Yeah. They're trying to do the like, Oh, look, James Bond is on a set piece and he's going to kill a bad guy with a set piece thing. But again, the cocaine levels of 1984 were way too high for anything imaginative. So Rob Reiner's got to as painfully as possible, like very clearly roll onto the exact right spot of the thing and then get into the machine and then it like kind of pushes on his tummy a little bit. Jane Bond is like, that's all wrapped up. No, I throw out my back cut. Let me, let me slowly step onto

this assembly line thing. Yeah, it makes no sense. It's so stupid. So now we get an amazing part of the movie. I love this. We get to watch Grace Jones teaching karate to Christopher walk in. Yeah. Yeah. In the traditional Oinaw and karate uniform of a spandex jazz resized suit in my course. Yeah, you would think that a thong based bikini would be a disadvantage in karate, but I guess not. Well, either way, we get to watch Grace Jones pretend that Christopher Walken might be able to sometimes beat her at wrestling. So we get that. They also have a sexual thing going on.

So they kind of start making out at the end of their karate fight. Wrestle. Yeah. I think at this point, Grace Jones was just relieved that she didn't have to make out with Roger Moore. Right. Everyone else was like having to eye show up as teeth stain as mouth while I was kissing him.

And Christopher Walken was a breath of fresh air by comparison. Right. So they're doing their karate and then walkin gets a call from security and the security guys like, Hey boss, one of our guards, one of our henchmen was in a box on the assembly line. I think we have intruders or something. So Zorin and Grace Jones, they go to check on Shingen's Mithe James Bond

in the chateau. Yeah. And they don't really have a reason why they think it's Shingen's Mithe. They're just like, well, that's that's James Bond. So let's check his room. Yeah. And I guess James got back to his room just fast enough. So when Mayday walks in, he's laying in bed naked and he goes for like a weird power move and he's just like, hello, Mayday, I've been fluffing for an hour. Let's do this. Yes, his distraction is,

ah, I assume you're here to have sex with me. And Chris, who are walking is like, I mean, it might be awkward to come up with another reason why we're in his room. I guess you have to fuck him my sexual partner. We just established in the last scene and head henchmen and Grace Jones is like, yeah, I guess I'll fuck Roger. Damn, I thought I was getting out of it. All right. Listen, babe, it's either say wrong room and walk out or suck his day. I'm so sorry. I think the first one's going to fly.

I love the moment. So walking is like, he's like, I gotta get, gotta get bond credit on this. You gotta commit to this bit. That's a really good play. Fuck and he just walks away. So he gives, he gives like a not bad shrug. Yeah, right. So he walks away and, and Grace Jones and Roger Moore have sex now. Roger Moore getting to make out with Grace Jones is the chief injustice of the 80s.

So anyway, we got to the next morning and bonds meeting with Zorin in Zorin's office. And Zorin's like, hey, so how was your sleep knowing that bond had sex with his karate girlfriend? And bond does try, but he tries to do a double entendre bond sex thing. And he's like, I nodded. I was up and I fucked your lady friend. I thought we fucked each other. was try, he tries to do a double entendre bond sex thing. And he's like, I nodded. I was up and I fucked your lady friend. I thought we fucked each other. All right, six with her.

Yeah. As you noticed. Yeah. Honestly, it was quite swell. Right. And it's excellent. See? Just think for another couple of seconds. There you go. So the whole point of the scene is that Zoren is gonna claim he has a computer

that has all the horse info and he's still pretending So, the whole point of the scene is that Zorin is going to claim he has a computer that has all the horse info and he's still pretending that this is Singen's Mides. So, he's going to help him buy a horse at the auction with his horse computer. It's actually a computer from 1985. It's like a Commodore 64 that takes a picture of Bond and immediately tells Zorin that he's looking at a spy from MI6 named James Bond. Yeah, but again, this is computers from the year 1984. So Noah should be showing it off alongside like another different old Nintendo. So everything is like a single pixel and it's

like that pixels James Bond. Right. So Zorin's like, all right, well, cool horses. Let's go riding since we're both real horse people. This is real and bonds like I would love to. Let's act. Yes, let's horse ride together. So Bond puts on his riding stuff that he brought in case this would happen. And he goes, he tells Tibbet to drive into town and have MI6 run a trace on that check for $5 million he found. But I love about this scene is that Tibet is washing the car, like scrubbing down the Rolls Royce, because like he's disappeared so far into the role of Tibet. You know what I mean? Like, he's not really Bond showper, he's an MI6 agent, like I don't understand why he

couldn't just be back in their hotel room on a separate folding laundry or something. He's just, but he's, he's become so acclimated to bond abuse that he no longer remembers what freedom feels like. And Sir Godbury is no more and Tibbet is all that remains. Maybe there was a bug on the car too, so we had to go next to the bug and be like, we didn't make a tape for me washing the car. So he's like, wash, wash. I'm a normal chauffeur.

This is real. Maybe they're tricking security. I don't know. So they're going to go on a horse ride together. That's the point here. A high intensity bond themed horse ride. A fine horse ride. That's correct.

We see the bad guys put a steroid microchip remote control thing into Zorin's jockey whip that he's going to use. So the idea is that a remote control is going to shoot a drug into the horse they're going to give to bond and that's going to make the horse go crazy and kill James Bond. Oh, Keith, I'm sorry, it's actually so much dumber than that. As you remember, the horse track is booby trapped. So the remote control horse steroid is just in case they're four different kinds of horse-based booby traps. Don't work on him. It's a failsafe, you see? Got it. Which is ridiculous because everyone knows a horse riding accident isn't how you kill James Bond. That's how you kill Superman. Wow.

Christopher Reeve. Good, good stuff. Do you guys know the opposite of Christopher Reeves? What's that? Don't Christopher walk in. Don't do it. Oh my God. Oh, a droid, a droid for this episode. What other detail here? We also see that Mayday had Jenny Flex follow Tibbet into town when he was supposed to leave because they're suspicious. And we watch Tibbet show up at a car wash to cover his base and you know, cover his lie. So he goes through the car wash and then we watch him getting strangled to death inside the car during the car wash. So like somehow, yep, Mayday or or Jenny flex, snuck into the car during the car wash and they kill him. So now

Tibid is dead. So we come back to the horse riding and they're they're gonna do a steeple chase race against each other. Right. And there's some extra horse henchmen that are there to just beat up bond. They've got the traps set up on the steeple chase stuff. It's all remote control because in 1985, they're like, what's the future of villainry? Probably a remote control stuff. Remotes are awesome. I wanted it to work like remote's worked in 1985, though. We're like, you got to stand right next to the trap and like, no, hold it upside down. Hold it up, check the battery. Take the batteries out, switch them around opposite sides and then put them back in and then

I'll see the part. We have these who has the, ah, okay, we're just gonna have to plug it in. I need nine C batteries and a watch battery. Much more importantly, why does the horse track exist? Like, why does he have a booby track, the horse track? Like, to the people who didn't see the movie, like the fucking barriers get higher and lower out of nowhere and there's like a fake hedge

that all of a sudden pops up and shit. And like, when Bond's not there, does Zoran just make his henchmen like race him and fuck with them? Yes he does. What if this didn't work? What if he had been like, all right, Mr Bond, we're gonna race horses for the way to win. And Bond had just been like, oh, no, thank you. Please, please. I got to tell you, in the pantheon of Bond movie Dick Measuring Contest, that includes like a swashbuckling sword fight and a custom built fun house operated by a tiny slave. This one is without a doubt the one in this movie.

Yep, it sure is. Right. So they do the race. The traps on the remote controls don't really work because bond's that good. And he gets ahead of Christopher Wagon. And then we get the make the horse crazy backup plan with the remote control. So the horse gets an injection of crazy steroids that's going to make the horse run into the woods, but bond guides the now crazy horse to run right next to Tibbet's car that he sees driving by at the perfect time, but of course, made a is inside that car with the gun drawn because she had just killed Tibbet. Okay, so if I can just in my head, flash cut to the fucking boardroom where Christopher Walker is planning this out, he was like, made a you go into town and murder Tibbet.

I will fail to kill him with a series of gooby traps and also a horse steroid, but it will drive him near enough to your vehicle that you can use the gun that all of us have at any moments available to us to knock him out. What if we have we we run the horse next to a riverboat that has a wedding and it jumps on. Oh, no, we already did that. That's okay. You use that one already.

I also just love I love how persistent this trope is in all cinema pre. I don't know the year. Was it the fucking Matrix? Like, what was the point where people stopped being knocked out in films by a hit to the shoulder blade? Yeah. I don't do it. It's a consistent thing.

And every movie up to like 1997 work, you just like, if you just kind of lightly tap somebody on their shoulder blade with the butt of a gun, they just go to sleep. Do you think anybody ever tried it and the other guy was just like, ow, ow, ow, it's right in my, ow, my shoulder. Now I'm going to murder you. You know I have a bad back. Now, it's a Bruce.

Great. I can't even reach it. So anyway, they, they stopped bond. He's off the horse. He tries to get into the car. It's made inside. They all pull guns and reveal that they know he's James Bond. They hit bond on the back of the shoulders, knock him out, throw him back in the car. And they drive the car next to a lake. And then they roll the, the car with tibet and bond unconscious inside into the lake. That's supposed to kill him. Oh my god. This is like the ADHD guy to killing James Bond. It's just, okay, well, we'll just push him into the lake and I'm sure it's fine. I'm going to go onto my next activity now.

Yeah. In the end, that the obstacle course does not kill him. But of course, they wake up from being submerged in water all of a sudden. And there's just enough air in the spare tire for bond to stay underwater and pretend to be dead for the 10 seconds that they wait and check to make sure they're dead. Yeah. Hey, fuck you, fuck you guys. I thought the tire air thing was sick. I feel like, is that even possible? I feel like the air, I'll give a fuck you,, to fucking James Bond movie, let it be. Does the air just come out of the spare tire when you take the cap off?

Probably he's James Bond, everything comes when he touches. Yeah, it's fair, that's fair. Excellent point, that is canon. All right, so, Bond's not dead, they think he's dead. Now we cut to Zorin watching horse practice at one of his horse tracks and he meets with Russian general Goggle. And Goggle is apparently working with Zorin and Goggle's mad about all the attention that's being attracted with the cheating and horse stuff and now killing a British spy. Because you know what this pointless plotless movie needed? A sub plot where the movie

antagonist breaks up with his Russian spy dad. Yeah. Dude, so we're just wanted to race horses and be with his interracial girlfriend and dad doesn't like it. And I gotta tell you, I think this is a classic story of mom and dad not supporting your hobbies or the fact that you brought home a black girl. All right. Exactly. Yes.

I am shipping political commentary. I am shipping. Zorin Mayday. Yeah. Good stuff. So Zorin's just, just kind of mad and he's like, yeah, I'm not a KGB agent anymore. I guess he used to be. And the KGB guys are like, that's, that's not how it works.

Yeah, you are. We get to do whatever we want. And they had apparently trained and financed Zorin for some stuff he'd done in the past. At this point, Mayday sneaks up behind one of the bodyguards for General Goggle and just picks him up over her head and looks at everyone like, I picked this guy up and stand back for something. I am carrying him. Everybody pulls guns and it turns into a Mexican stand up.

I think it would have been much fun. You're everyone had picked someone up. You throw your you put your guy down first. You put your guy down first. I also fun fact. So at this time, Dolph Lungren was a Grace Jones's bodyguard. And she was like, Hey, do you want to be in this scene where I pick a guy up? And he was like, yeah, sure. And that's Dolph Lungren's first appearance in a movie. Really? Who's Dolph Lungren?

He's Ivan Drago, the Rocky movies. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. So, so Mayday picks up the guy and they, they're like, yeah, okay, that's, that is a standoff, whatever. We're the KGB. And Google's like, kind of mad. He's just, all right. I'm going to leave them. I'm still in the movie though. And that's the end of the scene.

I didn't know your bodyguard was going to lift one of my guys. It's going to record. Did not see that coming. Okay. We're leaving. You've won for now, Zorin, because of the picking up. So now we cut to a meeting at what seems to be Zorin HQ, they're in like a conference room, and he's got a bunch of microchips CEOs that he's talking to about his new business plan.

Yeah, he's gonna tell us what the movie is about now. Right, it's so weird too. He starts this big speech. He's like, alchemy is making lead into gold and microchips is making microchips from sand. And he has sand as like a visual aid in a tupperware and he just like picks up a little bit of sand. And he has two visual aid microchips and sand. Yeah, he hands out the microchips like he's passing around peanut M&M. It's just like anyone want a microchip.

He's like, he literally is just like microchips come from sand. Any questions? That's it? Yep. So the whole point is this is supposed to be like an evil business plan, but at this point it's just a company that wants to make microchips.

That's not evil, right? So for context, he lays out the whole basic plan and the plan is, he wants to blow up Silicon Valley, right? And because all the people at this meeting, these are not criminals. These are the heads of different tech companies, foreign tech companies, who he has been like kind of, you know, cavorting with in order to like secure the market on microchips and he's like, guys,

what if I told you we could have all the microchips by getting rid of Silicon Valley and they're like, yeah, how are you gonna do that? And he's like, here's my plan. We're gonna blow up Silicon Valley. And because there are a bunch of like tech company CEOs, one of them is like, I don't like that idea. I think we should not do terrorism. And if you've ever seen a Bond film before in your life, you know where this is going because every single Bond film has what I call the we appreciate your

feedback scene. And it's because this scene is in every single bond film. It's the scene where the villain gives a time share style pitch to all the other like villainy mainstreamy villain people, right? Like though the people who run the CD companies or the other crimes into kick guys or whatever. And one of them is like outrageous. And then the film is always like Frank, I hear you. We appreciate your feedback. EG action scene. Yeah, whatever. Every, every single time, although the way they executed in this film, I think takes the cake. Yeah. Right. One guy puts his hand up and he's like, I, I'm just a computer nerd. I don't think we should do terrorism and start a microchip cartel. We should just do the second thing at most.

And walk. It's like, yeah, could you go ahead and wait outside? No, not to murder you. Just wait outside. And I was like, yeah, no problem. No problem. Yeah, go with Mayday outside. It'll be fun. And Mayday's like, please walk down these stairs, nothing's going to happen. He does it. And she turns the stairs into a very slippery ramp and he slides down the ramp and out of the blimp that they've been in the whole time. There are so many components to this that wouldn't have worked out. What if they got there and a guy was like, hey, can we actually not have the meeting on the blimp? What if they got outside the room? And she had been like, just head down those stairs and you'd be like, no, that's very obviously a blimp murder

slide. What if someone inside the room had been like, hey, I'm sorry, I just heard a scream from four eighties outside the door. Do you have a blimp murder slide and no, I won't leave the building. So I have a million questions about this because again, again, in every other Bond film, the people in this like time share, pit like the evil time share meeting are always other crime syndicate leaders, right? It's like the scene from Dark Knight, right? Where the Joker with the fucking pencil? Yeah. But these are just like, he just murdered the head of Honda. It's like the fucking CEO of Samsung. He's got the wrong amount of fucking blimp and what happened if they all dissented? Would he just like

line them up in the whole line? Just one. Is it like when it's like when everybody lines up in middle school at the top of the slide? Exactly. Okay, I there's one guy left. I heard nine people in a row scream when you send them outside nicely. I don't want to go outside. All right. Oh man. Also, did he design this blimp? Because if he didn't, that means he had to like when he was talking to his blimp guy, he had to be like, and I would like these stairs to turn into a slide unexpectedly. Is it for murder? No. I love how the guy, the guy who's going to his death never sees it

coming. He's always like, well, I'm really glad I spoke up. I feel like this is really gonna have. Yeah. Like if I ever get diagnosed with a terminal disease, I'd like to commit suicide by vocally dissenting during a pitch meeting with a bond villain. I feel like that would be a relatively painless quick way to tell. Also to be clear, they all got onto a blimp. So they know they're in a blimp. Where did he think those stairs might go? Till like an extra like a green room to just hang out?

You'll be going to the rear blimp for the nice. The off the edge of the blimp. Yeah. It's taco too. Yeah. One other detail on this scene. Christopher walk in Zorin, he gives his speech and he's like, all right, we have to beat Silicon Valley. They have 80% of the microchip market. And at that moment, he presses a button and the big

conference table opens up and a scale model of Silicon Valley, like a diorama, hops out of the table, just so that he could, at that moment have this impactful thing of this is Silicon Valley, it kind of looks like this. He will spend a whole bunch of money on stuff like this for the rest of the movie. Yeah, probably buy more microchips if he didn't spend so much money on blimp customizations.

Yeah. No one at Silicon Valley has 80% of the market. Really want to be at the debriefing. Okay, so we only lost one person to the pitch. That was pretty great. I'm going to say it. I didn't think the table rising up Silicon Valley thing. He had his heart, which sucks because that cost us like $6,000 to have someone make a

scale model Silicon Valley. I don't know. So that I could point to it and say, Silicon Valley. I thought people liked it. Yeah. So that meeting is over. The president of Honda is dead. That won't matter in the universe. Never. And now the blimp arrives in San Francisco because they're going to murder all the microchips in Silicon Valley somehow. This is where we get Jason's best worst. Yeah. Where they come over the bridge and she goes, what a view and he goes to a kill.

Yeah. And they have to cut to the next scene because if they didn't, the next thing that would have happened would have been Grace Jones starting to grease it up or walk in and just being like, what? It makes so, the sentence makes no sense because the titles all came from the Ian Fleming books, right? And the books were almost unanimously not used for the film plots. Like, this one in particular has no resemblance to the book, right? Like, if I recall correctly and I might not, but if I recall correctly, like, the book is sort of about

like, the title references like somebody witnessing a murder, right like they have a view to a kill not like I don't even know I don't know what to say because the line makes so little fucking sense and it must have made even less sense To the pilots who just haven't been privy to all the murder sliding that's been going on pilots are just like you guys you guys evil laugh a lot back here haven't been privy to all the murder sliding that's been going on. I was just like, you guys, you guys evil laugh a lot back here. Right. So they fly into San Francisco. And we also see bond in San Francisco. He knew the plan was to murder all the microchips in Silicon Valley. So he went to San Francisco in general to do recon, I guess.

And he shows up at a crab shack and he says to the guy at the counter of the crab shack, I'd like some soft shell crabs. But apparently that was spy code for something and that guy was a spy. You probably shouldn't make your spy code. The thing people probably say to you a lot of the story you work at.

So many people must have been like ushered into the spy area of the back. And then they were just like, no, I, what's happened? I want soft shell crabs. I wanted them to walk past a mountain of dead bodies. It's just like, you have no idea how many people ask for soft shell crabs and a crab shot. It turns out, fun fact, 50% of the crabs. Yeah. They're either want hard shell or some shell creps.

So yeah, we had to kill a lot of people to keep this under wraps. We're going to make your undercover job best by, and the secret spy code is going to be, do you guys have any PS5s and stuff? Yeah. Okay. Well, either way, we learn from CIA operative guy, they start talking, we learn that the, the Nazi doctor guy that I was joking about as being a Nazi doctor, he actually is literally a Nazi doctor.

He did experiments with steroids on pregnant women in concentration camps and it made some of the kids extra smart, but also psychotic. And Zorin is one of those kids. Yeah, it gave the kids to quote the movie precisely higher than average IQs, which answers the age-old question. Why do Jews have such high IQs? Yeah. Fun fact, that CIA agent would later go on to write a highly controversial book called The Belker. Yeah, I don't think enough movies make the, well, what about the Nazi experiments that worked a plot point? Yeah, weird pick. Weird pick.

That's what they went with, though. I also love that the CIA guy, when they first made up, is like, your James Bond, big man and Bond is just like Jesus fucking Christ. Oh God, I don't really have a pen on me. I don't know how to. I'm going to fuck you. Usually when I do defense. Right.

Right. So they finished talking about the Holocaust experiments of the doctor. And now Bon says, okay, tell me about Zorin's oil operation here in the United States. And CIA guys like, oh, that's perfect. Our walk and talk that we were having is now it actually ended right next to my fisherman friend who knows oil information. He's right here and like I pops up at a nowhere and tells him that Zorin's oil station made all the crabs disappear, except for all the ones that we just saw at the crab market. I love that conversation too, because he goes, the crabs have all gone and Bond goes,

did it scare them away? And the guy goes, no, they just disappeared. And my question is, how would those two things look different? How does he know they weren't scared away that they've just disappeared? Like, even that or they vanished, I don't know. I'm just a crabber. No, they left no notes behind. They didn't, they didn't seem panic to grow. I last spoke to the crabs. Didn't mention anything about being afraid. So what is something crab related and suspicious with that oil station? So Bond is going to go check out Zorin's oil rig thing. So that night, Bond gets into scuba gear and he swims up to Zorin's oil station to see

what's going on. So the whole point of this scene is just to learn a little bit of information about Zorin's plan. We hear him say the main strike is in three days. And I guess that's the big thing when they're going to kill all the microchips. We also see Mayday catch a Russian spy who's also trying to mess with this oil rig at the same time as Bond. And the Russian spy was going to try to bomb it and also try to bug it and get information about Zorin's

thing too, because the KGB's mad at him now, I guess. Yeah, it's as though the Bond movie caught a different movie happening during its movie and had to kill off their characters accordingly. Right. So they catch that one Russian spy guy. They don't catch Bond. And they kill him in one of their fan turbines, whatever. Then we catch the next day. And Bond is pretending to be a reporter from London and he's doing an interview with the California director of oil and mines.

Yeah. So just to be clear, if we're counting the fake names that James has gone with so far, they are St. James and now James. Yeah, he's James stock here because stock bond. It's like James Dogecoin, whatever. I feel like they were trying to make James Bond as bad at fake names, a running thing, but they didn't have the courage to stick the landing. Right. My name is the landing. Right.

My name is James Ethereum. Right. This isn't particularly matter, but this is where Bond sees the very young woman that he met in France who stepped out of that helicopter. This is going to be Stacey Sutton, who got the $5 million check from Zorin. And he starts following her. He drives behind her for a while and they arrive at her fancy house

that she must have bought with all that evil money she got. Oh, that's at least what Bond thinks. Okay, I had no idea why he followed her except that's where the rest of the movie takes place. Right, no, he thinks she's a suspicious character because he saw her at the evil horse thing. Oh, place. Right. No, he thinks she's a suspicious character because he saw her at the evil horse thing. Oh, yeah. Okay. And I'm going to investigate this house because that's where the script tells me to go. And that's exactly what he does. And it's kind of gross. Again,

he walks right into her house. He actually breaks into the window with a sharper image, card window unlocker. I don't know what that was. What was that a reference to? Who was that for? I know sharper image. It was for the money from sharper image, I'm guessing. The massage chair, kings of 1984 were like guys. Let's drop the diner heavily on Roger Moore's dying breath.

Yep, that's what they went with. I like the idea that Bond was just stro scrolling around a sharper image, just making like, witnesses, I'm about the vibrators all day. Sir, you're only supposed to try them. As I share of once you were only, I'm a, I have a license to kill get the fuck away from me. So he sneaks into her house and she's taking a shower now and he's sneaking up on her. It's terrible, but it turns out she has to drop on him. She's hiding with a gun in the closet and she pops out and now she's got James stuck up. And there's, there's this fantastic moment that happens in the movie.

So a bunch of bad guys are about to break in. They're going to fight them off, but there's nowhere for the scene to go because she's got them. So she's like, you freeze right there. And he's like, bad guys are here so the movie can move. Right. They're just instant allies. Keep in mind that from her perspective, a man just snuck up on her with a weapon in the shower. But the fact that there are other men in the building, she's like, well, we're obviously on the same team, right? You're not on your team shower guy. You're just, you're just a local shower pervert. These guys are out to hurt me. Yep. And that does allow the

plot to go forward. Whatever. They have a fight gun slash very slow punching fight. Bond will. My God. The stunt double is back and let me tell you, he's less Roger Mori than ever. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and call this fight choreography. Old age home rumble. Yeah, it's pretty rough. Yeah, it's fucking brutal. It's just turn based slow punching. Bond does that faster than them. They all run away. Nobody gets killed. This team of pinchmen just runs away. And that's the end of the scene. Except, oh, you forgot one part. You forgot the great part where Bon breaks the earn. That's on the shelf. And then at the end of the fight, he comes back and he's like, I'm

so sorry. Was this important? She was like, no, it was just grandpa. Yeah. Which by the way, if you're wondering why she'll later end up having sex with a 79 year old man, probably something to do with that relationship. Very impossible. Yeah. So yeah, bonds done slow fighting. We're going to take one more quick break to let Roger Moore catch his breath. But first, let me give back three the hard sell. Will crafty have a big enough pile of ace inhibitors to get Roger Moore to the end?

Will the actress who's playing that young woman turn 18 in time to well still be gross regardless from most of this movie and all the interactions with women? Will the finale happen so slowly that they literally hit the brakes in the movie at one point? Find out that yes is the answer to all that when we return for the geologic time conclusion of view to a kill. Hey, Heath, what do you do? I'm watching Moishi practice magic. Look at him. Look at him. He's like a tiny, beautiful David Copperfield. Heath, he's playing Candy Crush on his phone. Yeah, I know, but look at his dexterity. He's a master. Nope. No, no, he is not. Look, Heath, if you wanna learn things from a master, why don't you try master class?

Oh, what's master class? With master class, you can learn from the world's best minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to skateboard from Tony Hawk, improve your chest skills with Gary Kasperoff, or learn magic from Penn and Teller. With over 100 classes from a range of world class instructors, that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than you think.

Wait, did you say I can learn magic from Penn and Teller? You sure can. They even teach a trick that both Moshe and I used to open our shows very unfortunately. Plus, you can access Masterclass from your smart TV computer or even your phone. Wow. I highly recommend you check it out.

Get unlimited access to every Masterclass. And as it got off God awful movies listener, you get 15% off an annual membership. Go to masterclass.com slash awful now. That's masterclass.com slash awful for 15% off masterclass. Nice. Alright. Now back to watching. Look, he's studying body language right now. He's flexing in front of a mirror, which is a body. I think he's nailing it. You wanted to see me. Yes, Bond, come in. Oh, hey, Eli. Heath, why are you beeping out of the sketch?

I'm sorry, what's beeping out of the sketch? No, no. I just feel like we should acknowledge the voice thing. What voice thing? The voice that you're doing for M in the sketch. We need to acknowledge where that's going. My Sloan-Path voice. Yes.

But it's based on the M character from a super ego sketch, and now you're literally doing it in a sketch about James Bond. You can't copyright a voice. He is not like a... No, I know. Technically, I just feel like for anyone who listens, it would be good for us to acknowledge it right here. Okay, that is acknowledged.

Are we acknowledging it? We all acknowledge that. We're acknowledged up. Yes, Eli, I stole the voice for this sketch. Barrowed and stolen, continue. You wanted to see me. Yes, Bond, it's about your latest mission. Yes, I've tracked his orin down.

Indeed, it's just that it seems that you're not very good at giving fake names. Oh, not. No, you seem to keep with the name James and then you just change the last name. And you know, when you're a double agent, we really prefer you change the whole thing. I see. Clever, so perhaps names Smith would be better suited. No, that's not a name.

That's not a name, names. Names Smith. Smith. No, names Smith would be better suited. It's not a name. That's not a name, Mames. Mhmm. Names Smith Smith. Names Smith. Nope, literally the word names is what you've just said now. That's not a name, it is the word names. Perhaps Timothy. Excellent.

Bond. Nope, you know what? It's fine. My name is James Bond. Okay. Pfft. Pfft. My name is James Bond. Okay. And we're back. When we left off, James Bond had just finished fighting off some henchmen, and then he made a quiche for the two of them. So now he's trying to impress a way too young woman by cooking eggs. So now they're having qu keesh together at the house where a team of commandos just attacked them and left. And I think it's fine. Also, Stacy is the name

of this character. She changes into a cocktail dress to have Keesh at her own house with James Bond. Yeah, you know, at least you can do when someone makes you, when someone defends you for pinchman and then makes you a Keesh, you know, you want to dress up and take these. You dress nice. Okay. So now we get her backstory a little bit. Zorin took over her family's oil business. She's now a geologist for the state of California.

And Zorin gave her that $5 million check because he wanted to buy the shares of her company and make her drop the lawsuit that she had going against Zorin industries. Lauren gave her that $5 million check because you wanted to buy the shares of her company and make her drop the lawsuit that she had going against Zorin Industries. Yeah, but apparently he changed his mind in between writing her that check like five scenes ago. And now because he just sent four henchmen to kill her, it's very unclear what's going on here. And we learned that the henchmen cut the phone line to the house.

So James is like, all right, I'll go reconnect the phone line. And she tries to do some sexy talk. It doesn't really work at all. She's like, oh, the phone box is outside my bedroom near near my vagina. So sometimes this is this is the least Roger Moore looks into it in the whole film. She's like, the phone box is outside my bedroom. I can show you if he like it. He's like, I can find it. I can find it.

I'm okay. So he's fucking class or something. You have a toolbox? Yeah. I know your grandpa pretty well. Do you remember gun smoke? That was a show. We see Bond go outside and he just mashes wires and he's like, all right, I mashed him,

that's the phone's fixed, cool. And then he goes back inside and she's asleep. And fortunately, he lets her just be asleep and I was really happy about that. Yeah, we all had a very, our notes all turned this into a horror movie as 79 year old James Bond approaches the sleeping young woman. We were like, Oh, no, oh, these movies are probably, but no, it's okay. He just puts a blanket over. Yeah, he talks her in. He's her bedtime story packs her lunch for school the next day. And can I just say it's the most age appropriate interaction they have in the movie sure is sure the fuck is so the next morning

Bond wakes up and it turns out there was an earthquake right around them in California and She gets on her earthquake computer apple to see the Look she presses one button and the the earthquake program pops up and she's like yep two wavy Green shapes that are pixelated. That's an earthquake. There you go. And it turns out Zorin's oil station is running the epicenter of that earthquake.

So they talk about his plan a little bit. James mentions that Zorin was pumping seawater into his oil rig when James did the scuba expedition. Also, that's right on a fault line where he was pumping it. So she's like, yeah, he could cause an earthquake using the seawater. I don't know if that's actually a thing, but this movie's villain plot requires such a nuanced understanding of like fucking sedimentary geology. I don't know what they thought we were supposed to think or follow. Right. Yeah. There's always a weird moment in Jay, because this is again, part of the James Bond

formulas. It's always like, but don't you see Mr. Bond? Once I activate my drill, Mount St. Helen's will explode. Right. But this movie, because it's so poorly written, is just like, okay, well, let me go over an entire fifth grade science textbook with you. For this bullshit science, we made up for our movie. Yeah.

So I guess we're supposed to learn that the plan that Zorin has is to earthquake all the microchip companies in Silicon Valley and then win that trade war that he has going. He's going to flood the valley, right? He turns out, yeah, he's eventually going to earthquake and therefore flood the valley. Right. But again, you really need to understand a lot about geology.

Regardless though, it just seems like, wouldn't they just rebuild the factory or like move it somewhere else, probably have facilities elsewhere anyway and just keep going as companies? Yeah, you'd think, you'd think. So it's not a long-term plan by any means. Well, then he just pushes you out of a blimp. Right? There's always another blimp.

It's blimp's all the way down here. Fair enough, yeah. Would you mind having a factory in Chicago step onto this blimp? No, what? Right. So whatever we learned something about earthquakes, Stacey and James head to City Hall at this point to check on earthquake stuff at a municipal records closet office. Oh, real quick. They do do that. But while they're doing that, the CIA agent gets killed by Grace Jones in his car. Oh, yeah, identically to how she kills a tibet earlier. Yes, exactly.

That's why real spies only enter their cars through the trunk, then slowly crawl their way through the back seat, clearing one side of the car at the time until they reach the driver's seat. Yeah, all make sense. Does any of that matter to the plot even slightly though? they reach the driver's seat. Yeah. All my sense. Does any of that matter to the plot even slightly though? No. Not even a little.

The murder of the GI agent? Why, yeah. Why does he matter now? Yes. Because later, when he tells the copies James Bond, he's like, oh, yeah, can anyone prove that? And he's like, call the CIA agent. And he's like, that guy just got murdered.

Okay. Okay. Well, that plot point is amazingly wrapped up. And it's going to make sense later. Okay. Okay. Well, that plot point is amazingly wrapped up and it's going to make sense later. Whatever. They get to this records office and they open a drawer and immediately pull out the perfect piece of paper that has a map of the evil plan on it and immediately Zorin and Madeh show up at this city hall records of why would they go to the records office? How would they know that that would help?

Great question. Okay, again, it doesn't matter. They have guns out and they stick up James and Stacey. And they have a little banter, evil guy banter. Well, yeah, so Bond finds a map in the folder that's for all intents and purposes might as well have just been titled the super secret evil plan map. Yeah, exactly. There's literally an X marks the spot on the map that says like main target. Yeah, like doomsday. Also confused why they filed their evil plan with city hall.

They were like, hey, what kind of permits do we need to blow up silicone Valley? We're sticklers about zoning. Well, you're going to want to go downstairs, downstairs to evil plants, talk Jerry. Yeah. So all we really learn is that this place called main strike is actually an old silver mine that Zorn is running. And that mine is right on the sand and drain fault. And that's going to help his plan. Yeah. And you find out that the, the record, the head of the, of the geology department, right? Like the head of the geology, you know, department of that, that checks everything. The oil and mine sky, right? The oil and mine sky, the permit guy basically, has been on the take for Zorn in this whole

time. That's why he fired blondie, uhlie's Angels, McDonus mom. Okay. Got it. So they walk into that guy's office and they're like, hey, we caught these people trying to steal records or something. Go ahead and call the cops. And that's really just part of a really long, like, riddle speech that Wacken was giving

to the mind and oil guy to taunt him and then he just shoots him anyway right there. Which by the way, if you were surprised by how easy it is to get a gun into City Hall, you will be shockingly delighted by how easy it is to fire one in City Hall. Yeah. When you know alarms or repercussions of any kind, really. And again, because of this movie, its specialization is convoluted, bad guy plots. Here is Christopher Walkins plot. Okay, for some reason I knew

they'd be at City Hall. How do I know that? Fuck you. But I know they're here. I hold them at gunpoint. I'm going to escort them into an elevator, murder her ex-boss, light his office on fire. Did I bring a bunch of gasoline and malatop cocktails with me? Of course I did. Then I'm going to light just the elevator that they are on on fire. And the police will conclude from this that the crime was done by them, the people who burn. Hey boss, I heard you just explain that whole thing. There's, you set up a game of mouse trap in the elevator too. I feel like those are just, can't we just shoot them all with guns and just walk out.

Why do we even have them call the cops? I feel like now we're under time. Firebase crime framing only. Okay. Guys, I have a supress subtle plan to conceal our giant terrorist attack. That's about to happen. We're going to burn down city hall. Exactly.

Right. So now bond and stay seer in the elevator and it's burning because he's because Zorin threw one of the, God, they all said he brought onto the elevator. It feels like Zorin came up with this idea in like a dorm room. You know what I mean? It feels like Zorin came up with this plan. Snowed out of his fucking skull at 2 a.m. and was just like, all right, hear me out. Yeah, well, fun fact, the screenwriters did pretty much exactly that. Yeah, right.

Right. So they're trapped in the elevator and James Bond, I don't know why they shot this so many time. There's like seven different shots of James Bond touching the ceiling, realizing it's hot and then being like, oh, okay, well, we can't do that. Oh, dude, that's, don't be mean. His memory is not that good at that. Yeah, to be fair, we can't do that. Oh, dude, that's, don't be mean. His memory's not that good at that. Yeah.

To be fair, he is 80. Right, he should be a congressman, not a spy. Right, there's a confusing moment here too. James finally does sneak out of the top of the elevator somehow. And she screams, Stacy screams, don't leave me because that's what he does here. He just leaves her in the burning elevator shaft for a while. He has a plan, but explain what you're doing.

He grabs like a hose and lowers it down and she grabs it and he pulls her out. Okay, but honestly, if James Bond did leave her, that's pretty fucking funny. Just like, I mean, I've got all the information I need from you, Stacy. Bye-bye. Yeah. I'm sorry. I've got so much life left to live. Happy 18th birthday. Right. So they make it to the roof of the building and escape the fire

departments here at this point. Change at this point says, all right, climb onto my back. I'm going to fireman carry you down this ladder from this very tall building. And she's like, well, I'm conscious. I can't just. I'm conscious. There's absolutely no reason to go down the ladder, but instead Roger Moore or probably a stunt, either way, somebody very awkwardly asked to go down the ladder with somebody on their back. Definitely not Roger Moore. And this is where we get like the cop shenanigans. So again, this movie has made no sense. There's no reason for the scene not to end here. But for some reason, he gets to the bottom of the ladder and then the police are like, you're under arrest.

And he's like, what? And they're like, yeah, we need another car's chase. So we were thinking, maybe you could run away from us and we could, you know, kill 10 minutes of movie time. How are you running away? And he tries to get out of being arrested in the absolute dumbest way I've ever seen. He's just like, no, no, no, officer, you don't understand. I'm a spy.

Like, under the lightest amount of threat, he's like my name's James Bond. My service number is B348. I'm a foreign agent of a foreign government. That's cool with you guys, right? Oh, I did, yes, no, I did technically burn down your city hall, but again, super spy. I have a license to burn your city hall. And the officer is like, I don't know what you're talking about now.

And he's like, no, no, no, don't worry. All you have to do is contact Chuck McGee, a very specific undercover CIA agent who you, this local police chief obviously has access to. He secretly works at Joe's Crab Check under his name. You need to call them. Do not ask for the soft shells, Crab. He will definitely kill you. He will, he will induct you into the CIA by accident. Right. You don't know Chuck. I thought everybody knew Chuck. But no, they don't know that he's a spy instantly. So he's like, he said so.

Right. So he steals a fire truck, the most conspicuous vehicle possible. First he uses hose attack and it is extremely effective. He does use hose attack. It's true. Don't forget that. He's like, I'm a spy, contact Chuck. The police officer is like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

It bonds like counterpoint. Hosts your face. Counterpoint. I don't have enough time to explain the plot. I don't even know what it is. Fire hose. Run away. Steel fire truck.

That's what happens. Yes. So he's got a fire truck and all the movie writers thought were like, okay, fire truck, chase ladder stuff. That's it. And they do ladder stuff, that's it. And they do ladder stuff. So he's like hanging off the ladder that flies out for a chase scene.

That's it. Correction, a guy who looks less like Roger Moore than Susan Boyle does ladder stuff while occasionally Roger Moore is seen holding a steering wheel. Dwayne the rock Johnson is somehow hanging off this loud. Yeah. Yeah. In a Roger more, and I wouldn't even call it a Roger more wig. It's not even the color of his hair. And if you're ever wondering like where the logic for Grand Theft Auto games came from, it's this fucking movie. Yeah. This movie operates under the logic that if you evade the cops for three minutes and get out of the hot zone, you just get to keep the fire truck.

You're right. You're a fire truck now. So they get to Zoran's mind the next morning and it's right on the fault line. So this is where he's going to execute his evil plot. Okay. So just to be clear, this is like the big finale of the bad guys plot and James Bond, who the bad guy is aware of, who his henchman is aware of and now local and state police are aware of drives onto this mine in a fire

truck with a woman. And they're just like, hey, pal, you need a hard hat. You can't, you know, just why? Yeah. Right. So they sneak into the mind pretending to be mind people. Now they have hard hats. Stacey steps out of the truck at one point and she's got high heels on from before. And one of the evil minor henchmen people is like, what is it? A lady minor and high heels? And Bond smooths it over by being like feminism, right? I think they literally say women's lib.

Yeah. Says women's lib. And the guys like, yeah, women are the worst. Okay, go ahead, do whatever you want in our evil mind. That's fine. So they dress up again again. They now they have like more minors, different and more minor stuff on. And they sneak into the mind inside a cart.

Yeah, filled with explosives, right? Yeah. Right. The cart is filled with explosives. And while we're watching them sneak in, there's a bomb at the bottom of the mine that will be the final bomb, but there's also a like a second place bomb that the bad guy sneaks in that's going to kill all the henchmen. Yeah. Oh, the movie forgot about that though. They like did that and then it didn't.

Yeah. And as they're sneaking in on the pot truck full of explosives, Stacey turns to Bond and it's like, Bond, look what's under my ass. And he looks and it's like a pound of fucking like, it's the high explosives. And I just want to point out that in a movie known for its witticisms, whoever wrote this is a fucking coward for not having Bond make an explosive diarrhea joke. Oh, just a coward. Missed opportunity. Coward. Okay. So they make Coward. Okay.

So they make it into the mind. It seems there's hundreds of minors everywhere. It seems like they would know that they're not mining anything. Yup. But there's some kind of evil plot happening. They don't care. They're doing it. And finally, after it, it moves so slowly.

Finally after a long time of just slowly walking around this mine, James and Stacey find Zorin and Madeh setting up the big bomb. And we know that because there's, of course, a countdown display on it. It's set for 36 minutes and go. Yeah. Nothing gets the harder racing, like a 36 minute timer. We pick, oh no, we could only watch an episode of everybody loves Raymond before we could fucking abuse this one. And like, maybe the first couple of scenes of

the next episode. Right. So Stacy and Bond are in a little mining shack inside the mine cave area. And Stacy finds another one of those tabletop scale model dioramas of the evil plot this time. It's just a model of the area of California that they're going to blow up and flood or whatever. Yeah. So I look, some scale model guy crushed it with Zorin as like this amazing salesman made so much money.

And because he's seen all the models is he just like back in his shop just like, I wonder if I should report that to anybody. I should probably move out of, you know, the coast of California, but I am making a lot of money. Look, when you work in scale models, what happens in scale models stays in scale models. Sorry. And this table thing is so silly. It's got like LED lights, it's like an interactive museum exhibit about doing terrorism from 1985.

It's so stupid. Just wanted a board classroom of kids to come through. All right. Now this is the terrorist plan to blow up San, the Silicon Valley, which I think we can all agree in the long term looking back from 2022 probably would have been a better move than letting it stand. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I have a question right now. The piece of information we get here is that Zorn is going to flood the San Andreas faults and do a bomb. Yep. And then they say, it's a double earthquake. Stacy says that. She's a geologist. What the fuck does that, it's a double earthquake. Stacey says that she's a geologist. What the

fuck does that? What is a double earthquake? Uh, who knows? Who knows? I don't, who knows why this movie constantly doubles down on its own fake science to make sure we're following along with boom make California go bye bye. Okay. No idea. She also says, this is such a silly detail. She's like, yeah, right below us is the linchpin of plate tectonics in the universe. So Bond is like, that sounds ridiculous. But are you saying he can like just pull the linchpin of plate tectonics with the bomb? And Stacy presses a button on the side of the diorama thing, the answer button, I guess, and some lights flash and she's like, yeah,

it says, it says, yes, he can change plate tectonics with a bomb in the exact right place. Yeah. Is that not the plot? Absolutely. There's a visual aid for the bad guy's plot. His mini guy didn't charge him extra for it. Okay. So just to be clear, the plan for breaking into the mic trip game is destroying the entire coast of California, but also flooding some factories that have microchips and they'll get wet and ruined. Right. So at this moment, they get found by Mataz and Zorin in this little shed and they run away into the mine. So we get a little chase through the mine again, they get found for no reason again, like

literally Grace Jones just decides to check that door. And she's like, Oh, look, it's the people we tried to kill in the convoluted plotter again. Yeah. Right. So they run after him a little bit. James and Stacy find a secret room off to the side of the mind. It was like Donkey Kong country. They like phased through a fuzzy wall in a different area. Yeah. Meanwhile, Christopher walkin' and fucking Grace Jones and Jenny, the fucking Jenny flex are chasing them. And my favorite part of this

is as they're like chasing them, all the like workers start looking and walking just goes, get back to work. Nothing to see. Just like like super casual. Me and my two beautiful assistants and a gun and karate fight with a British spy and his granddaughter. You know, normal, mining shit. Booking unions. We haven't done anything with metal or or yet. That's weird, right? She go back to work. Just keep piling explosives onto the left.

Okay. The Dignity plate. That's fine. His granddaughter where they go. Gratty. Right. So at this point, Stacey and James get to a ventilation shaft with a ladder and they're going to climb out of the mine to escape.

And we also see Zorin, he's executing the end of the plot. Now he's just going to blow up the whole thing with all the miners inside. Yeah. Yeah. Well, step three and all good evil plans is murder your entire staff. Sure. I guess that's what it does make sense. So he blows up one of the secondary bombs at this point that starts the flooding of all the water onto the fault line as, you know, the first part of the double earthquake flood he's doing. Yeah, exactly. And then he starts shooting all the miners who try to run, like, they're down in the

pit. And he's up, like, a couple of stairs, a bunch of flooding is happening and he's shooting them all with a gun. And podcast lister, we will not make you suffer through how long this shooting people with a machine gun scene is suffice it to say that he runs out of evil laughter and just boardly shoot skies for a solid extra two minutes in total stone face. I said, ha ha ha ha. He's like, God, we hired a lot of people. I mean, Christopher walk in ran out of evil laughing. I think that's yeah. God. Do you guys all mind lining up this is taking forever?

This movie is painfully slow and boring and I who am in it and no longer having a good So, I'm going to be able to go to the water and get some water. I'm going to be able to go to the water and get some water. I'm going to be able to go to the water and get some water. I'm going to be able to go to the water and get some water. I'm going to be able to go to the water and get some water. I'm going to be able to go to the water and get some water. Yeah. And then Zorin and his security guy drive out of the mine in a little mine scooter together. And we see the entire lake that was above them. It's fully empty now. We see a fisherman who just like his boat dropped from water level straight down to the grid.

There's no, in 30 seconds, the entire lake, whatever it was, lake is empty. Yes. So then we get Bond and Mayday popping out of the water inside of one of the tunnels, but the levels rising and there's just enough room for their faces. And we also see Zorin going to some other building to do, I guess, to do the second part of the double earthquake. He's going to activate it from there. Right.

But Grace Jones is like hurt by the fact that he would do the second part of the earthquake without her. So now she's a good guy. She's on Bond site. To be clear, there are four seconds left in this fucking movie. And Grace Jones, the main villain, the henchman of the evil villain of this movie, is like, what? I didn't realize he was going to take off without me. I'm on your side now, James Bond. Let's deactivate this bomb together. Yep. Also, we learn here that that little building they go to to do the second part, Zorens put together a blimp building. The building is also a blimp. It turns

into a blimp at this point and he's going to fly away. A secret blimp. Yes. Why would that need to be a blimp? A blimp or a helicopter? Because, dude, it was the eight were blips big in the eighties. Is that a thing I miss? Like I feel like much as this movie was trying to introduce us to snowboarding. It was also trying to make blimps a thing like they bought a bunch of stock and blimps and they're like, you'll see everyone's going to want a blimp after they get their eyes on this film. Everything in this movie is a blimp. The buildings are blimp, the cars are blimp, rob rainers are blimp, everything, everything in this film becomes a blimp. Also and again like we won't bore you with it.

It's so fucking slow and boring. We watch a blimp fully inflate as part of the stakes in this, do you have any of a fucking idea how long it takes a blimp to it? Yeah. Oh no, it's not even like a third of the way here, there yet. And once they're finally ear bound, we get a scene of inside the cockpit with Zorin and the fucking Nazi doctor. And then they point out that like, this is the perfect crime because scientists are gonna blame all all that they're going to blame this on a normal emptying of lakes that

causes a double earthquake. And they're going to ignore the giant bombs. And they're never going to investigate. Yeah. Exactly. And by the way, if you're wondering what James Bond at Grace Jones are doing, that could be possibly more boring than watching a blimp inflate. We're watching James Bond get ever so slowly winched down to the second bottom. Yeah. Is it an electric winch that moves kind of quickly or is it a hand crank? No, it is a hand crank. It's a hand crank. 89% of this movie is Grace Jones pushing or pulling things. I can name like a wide variety car. Yep. The fucking winch like the man. I honestly think the people who made this movie saw Grace Jones. She was the first in shape human being they'd ever seen and they were like, you gotta watch

her do a jump and jack man. It's gonna be the whole film. I think the way this film was written is they put Grace Jones in just a room and they were just like pick up that. You know, you improvise, improvise, improvise. Could you do a chin up? She can do a chin up, guys, look at her. She's spacking up. This is incredible. Yes. So we watch Bond get slowly lowered into the pit. He grabs the bomb, puts it on winch thing slowly pulled back up by hand by Grace Jones. It's so long. We watch the whole again. I cannot emphasize how much of this we watch with absolutely zero tension. The actors are bored. The music and a certain point, the music, which is like, boom, boom, the music is like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

they show us stacey, she's fine. She made it, she climbed out of the mine and they show her not really having anything to do. We just see her like out there. She's like, all right, well, I guess, I guess I'm out of this plot now. And then we're back down in the mine. There's a minute left on the bomb. You ever leave a restaurant and like everyone else at the wives all go in to use the bathroom. So ever leave a restaurant and like everyone else and the wives all go in to use the bathroom. So you just sort of stand out there for a bit slapping your thighs or rhythm only you can hear. Well, you're in a nice three minutes of sleep. You and that if you let me know that it's in a minute, I'm gonna need a little bit of.

I'm going down there. Oh, well, I don't know. I'm going to go to Wendy's. Yeah. So that happens. Then we're back in the mine and the plan, James and Mayday, they're going to roll away the bomb on a cart on a mine cart on the track. So they got it out of the pit. They put it on a cart and they're going to roll it out of the track. And this is my favorite part of the movie. They start the thing rolling. Of course, Grace Jones pushes the thing and then it just stops almost right away. And they're like, fuck the break left. The break left for kicked in and stopped it from rolling. Yep. I couldn't stop laughing. Yeah, we have to we have to watch Grace Jones. Half jaw go over to the mine cart and be like, I guess I'll stay on the mine cart. I don't know. Right. Yeah. The most dramatic device in this entire film is a poorly greased break. Yeah. It's like what? You ever try to sled a fat kid and physics isn't with you? That's the climax of this movie.

So good. I seriously had to stop. I laughed for like 20 minutes just by myself and my apartment because they had to go move a lever to fix this. But I guess the plot of my fears that Mayday now has to stay on the cart and hold the break from activating and sacrifice herself with the bomb. So that happens. They roll out and the bomb goes off, but the cart was just, you know, it was a few feet outside of the linchpin of plate tectonics in the world. So it's fun. Just, yeah, it just goes off. To be clear, the most heroic person in the movie is the bad guy's henchman.

James Bond saw that the break wasn't going to work and he was like, I guess we're all fucked then. Right. And then, okay, I laughed a lot at this too. We go back to Stacey for a second. She's above ground now. And she's like, oh, hey, I was about to go to Wendy's, but it's good, you made it out.

And as this is happening, the blimp is sneaking up behind her. Makes up behind her. Stealth blimp, a blimp, sneaks up behind her and they grab her off the ground and fly away with her and and bond grabs onto the blimp rope that all blimps have. I guess they always have a dangling rope. And now he's just dangling off a flying blimp that's going. Yeah. Well blimp speed. I would be genuinely shocked if Roger Moore can climb a flight of stairs, let alone hold onto a swinging blimp rope.

Oh, the amount of blimp that they can show Roger Moore interacting in this movie is deeply pathetic. Like they don't even have a shot of him on the ladder. It's just his upper half of his body gently holding on to a rope and they're like, okay, we'll, we'll do stunts for the rest, I guess, Roger. And so the plan here, they're driving the blimp and they're like, oh, James Bond's on the rope.

What we'll do is slam him into the golden gate bridge, like the high parts of it, but you know, really slow because they're in a fucking blimp. So nothing happens. They run over the bridge. They gently him upon the golden gate bridge. Yeah, and Bond very gently is like, I'm pressed against this thing. Okay. I have plenty of time to think of what to do. He planned his plan is he ties a really good fucking Boy Scout knot using that rope. It's thus tying the blimp to the bridge

and the blimp can't move. That's right, audience member. The finale of the finale is a well-tied Boy Scout not. Yes. And now the action has slowed down from blimp speed to literally no speed. There's no motion. It's tied. You are now watching a tied balloon for the finale of this movie. So, right. So they try to turn the blimp around now because they think, you know, not only operate in one direction, I'm not sure what they thought they were doing. They try to turn the blimp, like we might as well be watching walk in, try to parallel park to somehow end the movie in my notes. We might as well be watching me try to back into a party. So finally, a little bit of action does happen here.

Stacey decides to attack, walk in and the Nazi doctor. And at this point bond climbs up the bridge structure to the blimp to rescue Stacey. Right. But walk in jumps out of the blimp with an axe to have an axe fight. Okay. But like Roger Moore is 97 years old.

Christopher walkins like, fuck that. I'm not doing any fight choreography. So they just have like a little shoving match. Yeah. They wrestle over the axe.

It's so bad. You're like roughhouse with your buddy, but you're both too old and in too nice You're like roughhouse with your buddy, but you're both too old and in too nice clothing to really roughhouse. That's the finale of this bill. And while they're doing this, Stacy is literally holding on for dear life because a few seconds ago when she was getting out of the blimp bond was like jump and she was like, I don't know when he's like, it'll be fine. Okay. So he pushes Zorin off the thing and Zorin's like, I lose.

And as a result, his Nazi dad, this is how lazy this fucking movie is. He goes, you know how all blimps have a cartoon bunch of dynamite in their mid kit in the back? Yeah, the dynamite here. It's next to the champagne room, usually in the slurry ramp. Hey guys, are we, are we stocked for this blimp ride? Everybody have water, sex dynamite everybody. Yeah, he runs back, grabs the dynamite, lights it and immediately drops it.

He's like, all right, the dynamite. So what is my plan at this point in the, yeah, bond, bond like gently tugs the rope, but because it's a blimp, the guys just like, because say what you want, but this movie does have like a continuous theme, which is Vodville pretzels is true. Absolutely. So yeah, Nazi doctor like falls back into the blimp and he's got the dynamite that runs out, the fuse runs out. It blows up the blimp with him in it. My one favorite part of this though is they show us the Golden Gate Bridge again right at this point and we watch San Francisco traffic just ignoring everything that's happening

and driving across the bridge. They're like, yeah, yeah, you know, you don't have to work. So everybody goes home, I'm not letting the fucking blimp it or up my commute, okay? Right. And then we finally close out this stupid fucking movie with James Bond getting an award from the KGB for his heroics. You know, like that thing they did. You know that thing where the KGB gave British spies medals. Right.

I guess that's a thing. Yeah. And they sort of do a wink about it. They're like, oh, you're the first British spy to get the middle. Huh? And then, and then he's, and then M is like, I would have thought you'd have, you know, you'd have been glad to see Silicon Valley, you know, blown to smithereens. And the Russian guys like, then where would we get all our research?

And then they all have a good jovial laugh at the geopolitical corrupt of American capitalism. No, no, no, no, we're doing a totally hack one of your elections and computer stuff. No, no, no, this is good for us. This is good for us. Yeah. Do you guys invent twit? Oh, they shit. We also find out that bond is missing an action at this point as far as they know. But then we cut to Q and Q is sending his remote control car, remember from before, he's

sending it into Stacey's really nice house in California that he's been staking out. And he's going to spy on James and Stacey having a sexy shower together. I would like to clarify one thing, which is that this scene quite genuinely opens on the word pussy. Yeah. Right there in fucking center view. Like that is the first shot of this fucking scene is just the word pussy because this movie couldn't get less subtle if it shot you in the face with a shot.

But yeah, it drives this card in and we see them canoodling in the shower and bond throws his towel over it. Like you get it because she's almost 18. The and God. All right, I'd normally ask you the moral of the story, but I think the answer that we all know is every. Don't let Moishi pick the movies. And that and every 80s movie has to end with a sex crime, but you know, only a little bit and then they stop it. So woke. Don't give Jews the smart pills. Right.

That's not the time I want to. Oh no, we had played with plenty more. It was good. I learned a lot today. Good point. All right. Well, that is going to do it for our review of a view to a kill. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet.

Because we found another terrible movie for next week. So Eli, what's on deck? Well, this one was a special request from our very own Michael Marshall. We'll be doing the Nicholas Cage film knowing. Fantastic. We got Cage next week. All right. With that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 355 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Moishi for joining us, much appreciated. Thank you. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawthl. And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off of movies at gmail.com. Legal services for the podcast are provided by the Lofts. Here in Gertores, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, the eel giraffe son Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Moishie and Eli, I'm Heath, promising to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Roger Moore would go on to describe this movie as the biggest mistake of his career. Christopher Walken would go on to describe this movie as the biggest mistake of Roger Moore's career. That's pretty fine, guys. The Zorin Company went on to keep doing just fine because the CEO of company mostly doesn't matter.

The Q-Robot would later go on to starstrum LLC Copyright 2022, all rights reserved.