God Awful Movies - 357: The Lion of Judah

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

This week, @Eve_WasFramed joins us to talk about a cartoon that's almost as inappropriate for children as the Bible it was based on. --- Check out more from Eve on her TikTok channel. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Hello fresh delivers fresh quality produce from the farm to your door and less than a week so you can save her summer flavor all season one Get 16 free meals plus three free gifts with code awful 16 at hello fresh dot com slash awful 16 Hey folks as non-patrons will have already noticed my audio sucks this week My main record was corrupted and we had to go with an emergency back up that was a much lower quality So apologies for that and we promise to have everything back to normal for you next week. She is way too excited in her delivery of this message. Yeah. About sending her kid away to die.

And like talks about how great it's going to be. Like a... Remember kids, Marjoram makes you cool. Like yes. Absolutely message, oh my God. like a... remember kids margarita makes you cool? Like yes! Oh! That's a completely messaged oh my god. Oh, cuz she all but promises them 72 versions. Yeah, she's just like I'm so happy that you could not be prouder of you going off to die for our wrathful god.

If Diane Ammanese is cool, call me Miles Davis. We got it. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to The Gamecast. For each week, we sample another selection from Christian Cinema in hopes of inoculating ourselves against sex, snider movies. I'm your host, Noah Luzon, since sitting 700 miles to my immediate left,

this is my good friend, Heath, and right, Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah, very excited. Excellent pick this week. Oh yeah, I was real happy with this one, and Eli's off again this week, but we're excited to welcome in a new guest massacres. You may know, eat from her TikTok channel,

Eve was framed, and if you don't, you should eat. Welcome to the Skating Atheist. Hey, thank you guys so much for having me. I'm excited. No worries, no worries. And we're excited to have you. So tell us, Eve, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched The Lion of Judah. It's the story of the week leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, told through the eyes of animal society in Israel, and that animal society is full of racism. Boy in it. So much racism. It's so much.

It's shocking. This is a children's movement. This is animated. And it's not clear where this children's movie lands on racism. Exactly. But if I'm being as generous as possible, the movie is something like racial sensitivity training for kids who might be harboring animal-themed bigotry that they learned in the Old Testament. That's like the best explanation of this.

That's, yeah, the most general, like the other end of that spectrum is it's a way to indoctrinate your children into antisemitism. Yeah, I'm going to go with that one. Definitely that too. I was being really nice not mentioning that. Right, right. And Eve, how bad was this movie? This was a really bad movie. It was so bad. I think we could do a study on the lives of the kids that have watched this and directly link it to the amount of therapy that they are going to need as adults. Right. It's so bad.

Very likely. Everything about this, like, over and over again, I just have in my notes, this is a fucked up cartoon, y'all. It's a cartoon, it's insane. It's a talking animals cartoon, right? Because like, there's adult cartoons in shit, but this ain't one of those. Right. No, I'm always curious where our guests are coming from on these things.

If did you grow up watching Christian movies or was this like a whole new experience for you? Unfortunately, I did grow up watching Christian movies, but I have not watched any, I don't know, probably like six or seven years. So this was a really, really big reminder of what I have been not missing out on. Yeah. Right. Now, I was really expecting when you plushed there. I was really expecting when I swore to be traumatizing. This was a really traumatized.

Yeah. If we're being honest, yeah, it was, it was triggering to say the least. Yeah. Yeah. So is there anything that you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I have to go with best worst Charlottes web remake because that was the vibe that I was getting. Yeah, very much. Yeah, no, this was yeah, no, this was Christian Charlottes web, I guess. It was eb extra white, absolutely. Oh, really? The racist fucking.

So, okay, I was going to go with best worst recycled backgrounds. Okay okay so apologies for dropping kind of a video game nerd term here But if a movie could be a metroidvania That was this movie so okay if I played the art games play a lot of old games and shit I'm a retro gamer back when they couldn't fit whole games into the cartridge what they would do to make up for that Is they'd send you back and forth across the same environment, you know, but like, oh, but now it's a shooter. Oh, but now it's a stuff game. Oh, but now you're a wolf looking for fucking tears for an hour and a half. Sorry. But yeah, exactly. That's exactly what they did. Over and over again in the movie, they're like, okay, but now they're sneaking through and it's nighttime. Totally different.

Okay, for best worst, I'm going to go with best worst, minorities. Now, okay, there are minorities in this movie, but they make no sense. Movie was just saying them something like, okay, so what's, what's Israel about? It's minorities, right? That's the, minorities means Israel means Judaism. We're telling the story of Passover. And they were like, Benora's means Israel means Judaism. We're telling the story of Passover and they were like, yeah, Hanukkah, Benora's everywhere. They would have Benora's on all their stuff.

Well, I think like very often they're there to like remind us, but this part is Jewish. This is not Christian. This whole part with the animal sacrifice. This is not Christian stuff in Benora, right? They're all like different styles and colors and themes too. And they're just randomly placed like on boxes or like in a barn, just random menorahs. Right, we're in these no sense, yeah.

Right, so in their head, like Jewish farmers would walk into a barn, deal with the sheep and then be like, you know what, menorah goes on this box. Yeah, obviously we would put, yeah. Yeah, so again, it's video game, like you have to collect all the menorahs as you go, you can power up, there's a skill tree, yeah. All right, I'll tell you what, we've got a whole panoply of bigotrys on the other side of the spray. So we're going to pause her to steal ourselves, but we'll be back in a minute with all

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Buyraycon.com slash gam. Raycon, probably bad at us for the way we frame this ad, but still very good headphones. Really good. All right, guys, welcome to the first ever Writers Room Meeting for the Lion of Judah. Ray! Hurrah! Crazy!

I'm a different guy. Oh, whatever you got to. Now, as you all know, the concept for this movie is that we're going to take a bunch of lovable animal characters and we're going to have a reenact a few of the Bible stories where animals feature prominence. That way, we can rope kids in with the promise of cuddling animals, then blindsided with psychologically scarring death cult mythology that you can't possibly comprehend at such a tender young age. Ray! Hey man! Still a different guy. So let's let's brainstorm a bit.

What Bible stories have animals in them? Oh Noah's Ark. Right? Yes, but almost all of them die in that one. Feeling like that might be a little disturbing. What about the lay-em that replaces Isaac and Abraham's sacrifice? Did you? Did you hear it? I heard it. Yeah, my man. Yeah, there it is. Okay, what about the story where Jesus exercises the demons into that herd of pigs and And then and then kill them by making them Korean off a cliff into the sea. Yep. Yep. That's how the sentence ends Oh, how about the lion that fights Samson and it gets his head ripped open to death All right, what about the foxes he tied flaming torches to? I mean, I guess they might have survived.

He said them on fire, it's out. Oh, I got an idea. Do the bears that Elijah summoned to Molo's children? Do they die? Guys, come on, there has to be an animal story in the Bible that's appropriate for children. Oh, I got it. What about the talking donkey from numbers? I am saying, I'm not sure I remember that one, but you remind me what he does.

He warns to do the angels about the chop his head off with a sword for transgressing against our wrathful and petty God. Perfect. This movie is going to be awesome, right? transgressing against our wrathful and petty God. Perfect. This movie's gonna be awesome, right? And we're back for the breakdown. We're gonna open up with some biblical parchment credits. Basically, so we're gonna sketch out all the various characters at this point and they're all like four pens strokes from copyright violations. Yeah, and there's this weird Disney Arabian Knights music playing in the back.

That's clearly not actually Disney music, but it's trying to be. Yeah, it's like four notes off of the copyright violation. Yeah, right. I recognize, of course, Bruce Marciano's name of the credits and got all excited. And I'm like, wow, I'm just so deep into my nerdery at this point. That's the guy that plays Jesus in all the encounter movies.

And this, right? And once again, yeah, he's the voice of Jesus in this. I don't know how on the hell he managed that. I didn't catch him in the credits, but as soon as Jesus started talking, I was like, that's Bruce Marciano. Oh, no, that's even work. Oh, God, it's the guy.

It's that guy. We've watched so many movies with him. He's the worst. Oh man. I don't know if you guys caught it But one of the producers names was Michael Scott and I just Shared that it was the actual Michael Scott from the office And it made it make so much more sense The racial sensitivity training. Yeah, Larry. One more has to deal. That makes a lot of sense. Of course, there were also real actors in the fucking credits, which was sad.

Yeah, that like Ernest Borgnayn is one of the main voice actors. He was money. Ernest Borg Michael Madsen. I was like, wow, this is weird. But also, might as well be Chuck Norris' son, Clint Eastwood's son is in it, Scott Eastwood, right? Yeah, yeah, Scott Eastwood, it's fucking sad. So okay, so eventually these credits resolve on a nail that looks for all the world like a giant stone butt plug

when we first see it. 100% it does. My note to myself was like, oh, that's a nail. When they finally like, and in human after you're like, okay. All right, that was the way more. It's a children's movie. But hey, I'm just going to go ahead and say it. If that was a butt plug, not the most disturbing thing in a children's movie of this film.

No. That's true. Sadly. It was going to get worse for kids either way. No, okay, so but this nail is being used to nail up a chest, not a savior, right? So we see a chest nail shut and then it's thrown in the back of this mule cart which heads into town. At this point, we zoom into a barn filled with wacky animal characters sleeping. We're going to spend, I'm going to say conservatively, 11 minutes of this film on these animals sleeping. Right, it's various times.

It may be more, maybe even more. Yeah, I might be undershootin' that at 11 minutes. I like the music that we get at this point. It didn't line up at all with what we're watching, but it was like the music of an 80s sitcom about Jesus makin' it in the city. That perfect strangers theme about Jesus making it in the city. That like perfect strangers team about guys just somehow. Yeah.

So yeah, so we're watching all these animals sleep. The cow accidentally bites the pig's tail in his sleeve. And and that causes a rude gold burguian series of shenanigans. That was a very weird part too. And I don't know if you guys caught it, but right before the horse, the rats tail, like they're all being and breathing in each other's tails. And it looked so suggestive, like, the cow being tempted by the pig's tail. And she's like, no, stop and then bite down it. That was a sign of all of the weirdness to come for sure. There was definitely an Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve feel to it now that you mentioned it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I wasn't on to it yet, but you're right. That should tip us off. It's going to get weirder.

So, but the animals all wake up because of the shenanigans and some farmers toss this crate from the beginning into the bar. some farmers toss this crate from the beginning into the bar. This is apparently a nine-second way station for this package, right? Yeah, what's the logistics of the box and the crate and the wagons? What are they doing? Yeah, so this was old, timey FedEx or something. Yeah. There's zero explanation given for the logistical process of why this box is being taken from place to place. Very strange. So, but it's going to be there just long enough for us to introduce all of these wacky bar yard animals to the lamb that's in the box. Right? Now at first we just see the box shaking around and they're like, oh, what's in there? We're all very scared of it and curious. The rat falls into the box.

This rat, of course, is Ernest Borgnein, character, and his slink. And it's super clever, too. They're like, you know, the box says, oh, I'm a lion and they get all scared, but he hops out and he's actually just a lamb. Wasn't a lion at all. Bum bum bum. Right. And then we get a dance battle, a one side of a dance battle.

Yes. Yeah. That was painful to watch. And also, can we just acknowledge that Judah the Lamb does not look like a lamb. It looks like a Gorgonite from small soldiers like Hunter. A Gorgonite. Like 100%. I saw the face and I was like, why does this look so familiar? And immediately to go to Google and I was like it's archer the Gorgonite and

Lamb form It's so terrible. I had it down as like if you asked Dolly to cross lamb chop and ugly Sonic God the whole thing was just terrifying those teeth and it's fucking Okay, yeah,, but he jumps out the horse faints, the pig huff farts. Classic. Yeah, that's this movie's level. But yes, this is a lamb named Judah, and he is quite confident in his ability to set people free. This will be important.

Who else in history was famous for setting people free? I wonder if this could be a metaphor to this. Yes, we'll find out. Yeah, right, right. So yeah, so they open the door, the lamb darts for his freedom, the other barnyard animals are like, but that doesn't make sense because then where would we go?

Right, they give us food here and he's like, damn it. And then they create him up and ship him back out. Again, it was a nine second way over. Yeah. And they see them getting carted away. And the one of the boxes on the back of the cart says Jerusalem, like it was addressed by the UPS store, like it was printed on the, like one Jerusalem road. Jerusalem.

Jerusalem. Jerusalem. Like that's all you need to get there. Just write the city and it'll make it. Prince. So, oh, and we should point out too that before he gets created back up, Drake the rooster, the one that was dance battling with him, accidentally fell into the crate. So now Drake is, is heading to Jerusalem as well.

Now they of course can't read that package in the back because there are a bunch of barbyard animals, but luckily just then, the wise Scottish pigeon shows up. We're seeing a pigeon or a chicken. I had her as a hen. I was trying to figure that out. Okay, definitely Scottish. Yeah, the animation was great.

We could tell what kind of burns we were doing. Yeah. And she knows, um, just everything about Jewish tradition. And she explains it to all of them. Yeah. How it's passed over. And they're all getting sacrificed. And that's what's happening. So Drake and Judah are going to get sacrificed. Well, Drake should be fine until Caparot. But yeah, exactly. That's leave it. Thank you. This is a very narrow joke, but. She says it's so casually too. Like, it's just explaining blood sacrifice. Yes. A bunch of animals.

As their friend is carted off. In a child's cartoon. Yeah. So weird. So. But Urgesport Dinos is going to save him, damn it. He's like, come on, guys, we've got to go to Jerusalem and save Drake and they're like Do we really and he's like it's the whole fucking plot. This is all we've got

Yeah, the rest of the characters like fuck fine. We'll do the movie like that's the last part of the scene It's really weird. Yeah, and so yeah, so they all Reluctantly decide to leave together but it takes a while for the horse because the horse is a scary cat horse. That's his personnel. Also, the horse looks completely cooked out of his mind the entire movie. Yes. Like his eyes are just, I mean, he's not okay, clearly. I agree.

Find out, but he's like on something for sure. Yeah, well, that would explain a lot, right? Because that would explain the paranoia as well. Absolutely. Yeah, he looks like one of Donald Trump's kids giving us a feature. I don't know. So, but as they're leaving the Scottish pigeon calls after him and says that only the king can set their friends free.

The king pin and mat. I feel like this is related to that, the person who does the free, I don't know, who get there, it's subtle. Yeah. So subtle, all the symbolism. So okay, so now we're gonna cut to Judah and Drake in the box, they're heading to their deaths, of course.

Now, Drake is gonna be the comic relief. In sort of the sense of the funny uncle who's mistaking the kids for being much younger than they are trying to vamp way, right? Like this guy, his whole bit is like, I'm gonna say the same word over and over again, and it'll be funny, because I'll be saying the same word,

a lot in every sentence. It's painful. I didn't saying the same words a lot in every sentence. It's painful. I did enjoy the music at this point. Like they clearly told me like, Hey, guys, you got to play some music here. What's the opposite of getting carted to a blood sacrifice? And that's what they did. They just went with the complete exact opposite of that. They're like, all right, it's a kids movie.

We got to lighten it up, but that is exactly what's happening. It is so weird. Well, what my favorite thing about the music here is that they don't cut it out before they move onto the next scene, which starts with the pig singing. Show me coming around the mountain. So there's a moment where the pig is singing in one song. Well, those fucking movies playing a different one. Play Jari. But this is where they're going to run into Scott Eastwood the don't.

Which how and how did they get Scott Eastwood to do this movie? I guess this was towards the beginning of his career. But like he's Clint Eastwood's kid. He knew he was going places though, right? Like, great. You would think I would be like, I think I can pass on this script. What made him read this and decide I gotta do it. I feel like he got a call from dad.

You're fucking doing it. Yeah, right. Right here. Apparently drunk driving ticket that would only be forgiven if his kid, him or his kid agreed to be in this movie or some shit. Yeah. And some sins of humanity, same thing.

How badly do you think he regretted it? Once he saw how they animated his hair or mane? Whatever that broom situation on top of his head was. It was, yeah. So, and his whole personality is cool, right? Yeah. That's the doggy's personality. For sure. But it's like, it's cool.

I don't want to be a beast of burden and enslaved until my body is broken and then they just Shoot me out behind the ship like that's his goal and everybody else is like now I mean you kind of got to do that man. That's your thing But they literally bump into him and the rope that's around his neck Accidentally gets tied around the ring in the pig's nose. And so now they're like handcuffed together all on 80's sitcom. How does that accidentally happen? I know.

It's the weirdest thing. And also the fact that the pig is somehow the one dragging the donkey around. You would think that the donkey has a one up here. Like, the pig has the ringing his nose, and not the other way around. I don't understand it. Right, the donkey's neck versus the pig's fucking septum. Yeah, I don't think it doesn't, yeah.

But now, but he's reluctantly going because they're like, we're going to Jerusalem. And he's like, I wasn't slaved there. I am just now escaping, and they're like, tough. Shit, you're coming with us now. If you're tied to the pig's nose. Okay. Question just in real life. Do donkeys get tied up with a rope in the format of a noose? Or is that just a terrifying glimpse into the life of the animators? This is what rope looks like around a neck anytime. Yeah. Good point. All right, so Judah and Drake, Judah the Lamb and Drake the rooster, make it to Jerusalem

and they're put into a room with all the other doomed sacrifice animals. Now Judah, of course, his whole thing is that he's going to set people free. So he explains to all the other sacrificial animals that he is going to set them free. So he explains to all the other sacrificial animals that he is going to set them free. He really has a thing for setting animals free. Clearly, as we learn, he gets like weirdly excited talking about it, but then proceeds to not do a whole lot for a while. Right. Yeah. And then just kind of waits for that to happen. He's gonna be out for a while. Wow, it's a lot like Jesus, yeah. A lot like Jesus.

So meanwhile, the gang arrives in Jerusalem and they see this crossroads and it's really impressive. Like you see that, you're like, wow, they really went all out on the CGI. We will spend the rest of the movie in this crossroads. We will revisit this crossroads like 37 times in this film. So they all get there. They're very scared of being in the big city. And then we cut back to the animal sacrificial dungeon that is part of this children's movie where Drake is singing and

everybody including us as the audience wants him to shut the fuck out. It's so bad, it's so annoying. And he only knows one song, I guess. Right, yeah, we hear him sing and nobody knows the trouble I've seen a couple of different times. Like, it's a good, like, Louis Armstrong, I like it, but like, maybe don't sing a song about slavery in your Bible story for kids. I don't know. While you're being outright racist, so like the entire movie. You're about to ramp up the racism too, yeah? Yeah, yeah, no, it gets worse from here.

And of course, the Drake the Chicken has to do his one joke where he says the word over and over again, there's these two pigeons that are trying to explain to them that they're gonna be murdered now for the Jewish faith. And that that's actually a really good thing. And Drake is going, martyr, martyr rise a tarnor, martyr, martyr, martyr. Now it's funny, because it said it five times, right? Rulath Fahns? Yeah, I think this movie holds a record for the most amount of times where martyr is said

in a 30 second period. They are just going all in with the extremist childhood and indoctrination, like, no shame. No. We're just going to say martyr until you think it's a normal word to use every day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I wrote my notes martyr does ride with charter. It's funny because it's true.

Yeah. Did they even do the what's a martyr? Like did they do that? I don't even think they switch to matter It like they just did martyr Tartar and that's it. Yeah, like a hundred times So okay, so the gang enters the gates of Jerusalem now We if they walk into the same crossroads that they saw from afar earlier It's such a lot down because it's like this big moment and they have the music and it pans to Dan wasn't it pans to Jerusalem they're seeing and it's like this one little tiny alleyway

with three people in it and they act like they're seeing the Empire State Building for the first time. They're like in awe but their barn was bigger and cooler looking than the real scene that they're showing of Jerusalem. Yes it was. I like how they reached the front door of Jerusalem. Yeah, it's like, and human guards are like, oh, it's probably it's just a rescue party of talking animals. Yeah, stop. I'm totally nor have you guys. Yeah, stop right there in the door and look at your map. That's great. That's great. You're awesome tourists. It's a wild cow that's coming to our tap.

And yes, is that donkey tied to the, that's fine. That's a nice way to know it. How did you even do that? I don't know. Is that a noose? What the fuck? You know what? No, my business.

I'm just a guard. You're a customer, I guess. All right. So now it's nighttime at the sacrifice dungeon. And it's time for the doves to really explain to Drake and Judah exactly what martyr means. Now this is going to be a theme of the film. Everybody keeps explaining to the lamb that he's going to be sacrificed and he keeps not getting it. Yeah, just casual talk about martyrdom, which reminds me of being a youth group as a child.

Yeah. But the pigeons, God Jesus, this is so fucking racist. The pigeons are like, but you are perfectly white and blemishless. I'm like, as he delights somewhere, you're going to tell me he's delights some next. It's so close to that. Like, you didn't exact, those were exact words. It was like blemish free. Look at that amazing blemish free all white lamb. Fuck, that's cool. Blemish free all white lamb. Fuck that's cool.

Blemish free. It's so much. Yeah. They literally refer to Judah as privileged. And I think this is the only time a Christian movie will ever acknowledge white privilege. They're like, you're white. You're so privileged.

And by accident, they just say that unapologetically in this racist movie. They almost, yeah, they almost got back and go, we don't mean that like that. We don't mean that this is not, this is not gonna go race theory. I'm so very sorry. They don't, but the movie doesn't hear itself. If the movie heard itself, all of the stuff that's about to happen would not happen. That's true. That's so much worse from here.

I thought that that was going to be like some of the most edgy racist stuff happening. Nope. So much worse. No, we're sending up themes. There was a racist iceberg connected to this. So then we cut back into town and we have to have like each of the various characters get separated from the other ones in different ways, but they can't come up with any ways for it to happen. So I'd want them just turns down an alley and falls asleep in the the pig and the don't get once again managed to tie themselves in a knot in a way that makes no sense from like, you know, with earth physics. Yeah. The rope had to get so much bigger for this town because they do like the high jinks

of like walking around each other. You know, like if like the dog on the leash does the wrong thing and circles you a few times, it was like that with two people doing that. And they get themselves tied to a stake. Yeah. And then they just like sit there and I like, yeah, we're stuck here. I guess we're just here until we start to death. Yeah. Yeah. Just children's movie animals just tied to a stake and they can out slowly and let you just like keep watching these animals tie to a stake for no reason. I just like the idea that Jesus got crucified because of hijinks like that. And he was like stuck to a cross. I don't know.

Like a rubbed goldberg thing. Just nails start flying because of a thing that lit the thing and there was a bowling ball somehow. Yeah. So yeah, and so they continue on now that we've we've gotten rid of the horse who fell asleep in the alley. We've got rid of the pig of the donkey who got tighter on the stake. SMA is just like, I was like some good fucking hay and then just goes and eats some

hay and takes a nap. That's the cow. Which all of the hay in this animation looks like fried pubes straight up. It doesn't look like straw. It just looks like weird pubes. It was weird this shit they couldn't animate in this film. There was just random things where they're like now We absolutely can't do hey. I'm sorry

We can do fried pubes we got fried pubes down But then and then finally the rat urn is born knowing the rat is all by himself He realizes that there's nobody behind him and there's a crow that's trying to kill him So yes to run and hide in a little crack in the wall. All right, so this movie's racism in the last scene or so got way more explicit than I think any of us were barefoot, so we're just gonna pause to recalibrate from it, but we're back in a flash

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Is that an e-meter? This is Kona coffee. It might have volcano demons Noah. It's possible. Okay. And I want to meet Kristie Ali. No, you don't. No. No, I don't. Okay.

Welcome back to the writer's room. Bra. Praise Jesus. Third guy. Fourth guy. First guy to rock in. Just to have a look. Okay, welcome back to the writer's room. Bra! Praise Jesus, third guy! Fourth guy. First guy. He's raw again, just to have fun. Okay, okay, I feel like this is going to get cumbersome.

Third guy, fourth guy, go ahead and take lunch. Nice! Kick play, buddy! You know it! I had laid in nerds! Okay, okay, what? Kick play. Bye.

Okay, so just to be clear not her off okay so this is somehow we landed on writing the story of the donkey that talks from numbers who wants a guy that ain't so much chop off his head with the sword for transgressing against our wrathful and petty guy and it's not going well oh so uh... no hurrah hurrah rescinded yes yes hurrah rescinded

i look i was looking at the last thing. You guys ended act one with what seems to be a pair of white supremacist doves praising the protagonist for being all white and having no blemishes. No blemishes. Oh yeah, he's super white. Like perfect. Why? And he's kind of like a savior, like a perfect white savior. How is that bad? So I was giving you a second to hear it. You're still nothing? What? Okay, look, I'm just saying, we should probably steer away

from a theme of animal-based eugenics in our animated movie for children. Oh, yeah, okay, totally. I'm telling you. Loud and clear, boss. No more animal-based eugenics, got it. Okay, so I feel like you maybe just put ways to what stress on animal based when you sent that.

I did, yes, I stressed animal based. So, do you, were you planning on doing something with human eugenics? I, okay, see, you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that I don't want that I don't want that But we're telling a story like a Bible story about a race of people chosen by a god Yeah, I mean, so there's gonna be and then a subset of that group is re-chosen by god to be Christian So it's like super no Genesee I right right but like him I Feel like we could just gently gloss over that.

Yeah, all right, I guess heard, heard totally. Gentle gloss. No problem. All right, so what are we thinking for Act Two? Okay, so I was thinking about a rivalry between two groups of birds and one group is collecting white sheets for something. All right, now that's not perfect.

Just keep, just keep me posted. You got it. We probably won't need to have another one of these meetings. Right. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Monty the Horse, waking up late at night in the alley. Are the bad guys in this movie going to be Blackbirds?

Yeah, the bad guys are good. Yeah. Black. Sure are. They're Blackbirds of terror. Peep here. Yeah. Sure are. They're blackbirds of terror. Blackbirds of terror specifically. But having out in the alleys in urban areas, it's so bad. At least they got a wugget.

They got Michael Madison to do the voice of this, but at least it wasn't like the only African American voice in the movie, which would have surprised me 0%. No, that would not have been surprising, but, it's Michael Madson and whether they're doing Italian Americans from New York City voice. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, good point. We go back in point. It starts as that. It moves, moves around a lot. But that's what they're going for is Italian American like Mafia guys running this alley in ancient Jerusalem. Yes. Which was weird.

And then they go ahead and steal the entire funny like a clown scene from good things. So yeah, and of course, during this Monty who is already a very scared and timid horse gets roped into joining the Crow's terror gang. They're going to be called the uncleans, the gang of black things in this. It's just, that's not made up. So bad. That's the exact words they use. Yeah. And I know they're going for a Bible thing, but that's going to make it worse. Yeah, right. So okay, so the crows lead money out of the alley to go on a job for them. This is where he passes Horus and Jack who are still the the pig and the donkey who are still wound around the state. And they'll do it. Help us. And he's like,

I can't. I'm in a gang now. You guys aren't members like that. You know, blood in blood out. And this is a children's movie. I'm a bitch in my car. And this is a children's movie. I had to tell myself that over and over and over again throughout watching this. Yeah. So, yeah.

So the uncleans are going to, Jack says that. That's where we introduced that term. Jack is like the uncleans rule the street around here. I'm like, let's come up with a different one. But then we cut to, this was their fucking choice. We cut to them stealing white sheets. Okay. Literally white sheets. It feels like the movie's like daring me not to accuse them of racism. No, I'm tired. And then you get to here and you're like, you were saying, uncleans

can you not? And then some black characters, black birds, but you know, black characters are like, yeah, they cost the uncleans lots of animal racism around here. So we're collecting white sheets. It's you switched it, you know, it's the black characters doing the white sheets. If you bring the noras in their yard, it's not going to be better. I still feel like a lot of KKK influence on the people who made this movie. Yeah. Right? The fact that no one was like, hey guys, the white sheet thing, maybe we should rethink that. Like, not one person.

No. No, I think maybe there is that one person and they were like, yeah, but you know, honor the grand dragon. So, yeah, right, right. We're doing it. So, yeah, so, but, and this way, he's like, hey, why are we stealing white sheets and he's like, it's going to be unbelievably unclear, honestly. But to understand just how unclear, I have to tell you about my dream.

Now, if you don't know this, but we have a thing on the show where a daily person who has to listen to your dream is people that you're fucking, other than Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King gets the exception. You have to listen to his dream. Yes, you do. That is fair. So now Michael Madison has to buck us. But that's in cruel form. Yeah. No, you do. That is fair. So now Michael Madison has to buck us. But that's in cool.

In chrome. Yeah, no, it's not just that there are there are worse outcomes in chrome form of this role. Yeah. I want to do this, Mr. Blod. In the trunk of a car. Yeah. With the soda, he's got to be slurping the soda the whole time. Anyway, so the Raven one stream's got to be slurping the soda the whole time. Anyway, so the Raven once dreamed that he was in a big white sheet being lowered down with a bunch of other animals. And for that reason and that reason alone, he and the other Ravens have been collecting white sheets ever since.

This really sounds like you're just making this shit up. The exactly laugh. It really sounds like you're just making this shit up. The exactly half. So weird. All the sudden he's like a prophet. Like he goes from the mafia boss to let me tell you about this dream I had. And then gets all like Christian symbolic with it. So bizarre. Yeah. No, and in this dream, he heard Jesus redeeming all the unclean animals saying, do not call anything impure that God hath made clean. So, you know, he knows that eventually,

black animals will be okay too. To be clear, yeah. Now they've switched a little bit. It's the KK thing was just super thick, but now it's the voice of God told me that Judaism is stupid right so we've got the full anti-Semitism now, too. Yeah great And they use the word cleansing specifically the word cleansing. Thank you. Who thought that was a good idea? Stop saying that! How am I not hearing ethnic cleansing after watching this scene and you keep saying cleansing.

It's impossible. It's so bad. And so and Monty's like, you know, I know a little something about cleansing and I'm like, oh God, you know, and he's like, no, no, no, I just, so we do do into Monty's cleansing memory. Jesus Christ. So bad. But apparently there's was the stable where Jesus was born all those years ago.

Of course I was. Right. So he's like, I remember this time when like there was a big census that makes no fucking sense if you think about it for eight seconds logistically, it's just insanity. What town am I from? I don't fucking. Anyway. So he tells the story though of Mary and Joseph

staying in the barn and the baby being born in the major and somebody then said something about cleansing. Why? I don't know. Somebody can stick that story into this scene, I guess. God. You never see Mary and Joseph in the inevitable fight in this major scene moment. It feels like they'd be in a fight, right? I feel like they were probably in a fight quite a bit in those nine months leading up to it as well. Yeah. But apparently, so we watch all the farm animals watch Mary give birth.

And then the Scottish pigeon or hen or whatever from before comes out and starts going like oh you're not gonna believe this This is the Jewish Messiah She knows everything somehow also I love that they're supposedly watching Mary give birth But the only sound you hear are actual crickets chirping in the back Yes, like blood sacrifice and martyrdom is totally fine for a kids movie, but we draw the line at the sound of a woman giving birth. So we're just going to give you crickets chirping and all the animals' jaws drops. Well, I think, I think Jesus was too nice to hurt on the way out, right?

Like she probably was, you know, it was probably very thoughtful. But yeah, so. She probably was probably very thoughtful. But yeah. So. But anyway, so the, and that, oh, and this of course leads to in my opinion, the only good joke in the movie, Drake's a vision says, ah, he is the lamb that will cleanse them all. And Drake's rooster goes, wait, Mary had a little lamb. I'm like, okay, that's pretty good.

Oh, solid. It was good. Wordplay. Credit word credit is too. I didn't forget the racism thing. I just now you were doing a whole lot of it. I didn't forget, but that was good. Wordplay. Credit Wordcredits is too. I didn't forget the racism thing. I just know you were doing a whole lot of it. I didn't forget, but that was good. And then, so we haven't talked about this up to this point, but this movie has an insane

amount of padding in it, right? Like every establishing shot is a minute and a half. We'll just cut away from to a song for no fucking reason. They were desperately trying to get to an hour and 23 or whatever it was. They got to. Yeah. You don't get an 83 minute feature length movie without a little bit of padding. Right.

Yeah. It's, it's mostly padding. The weird part is they skipped through so many important scenes. Like even the manger scene, that was so fast. And now, as you see, they they're gonna spend so much time on Irrelevant moments. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, you're right. We get we go through the birth of Jesus Christ of Nazareth in 30 seconds And then we get two and a half minutes of Musically watching the gang sleep

Straight up just sleep and terrible music. Oh, oh, I did, I did enjoy how the pig was sleeping at this moment. So that this is the pig and the donkey still tied to that steak, right? So the pig's doing the, it's the pigs like me on an airplane. I fall asleep and then I start like nodding off in directions and I like headbutt the person next to me by accident and I feel so embarrassed every time and I can't do anything about it I need like I need to like tie my forehead back to the chair somehow I don't know Did you guys hear the lyrics to the song that's playing in the background as they're all sleeping?

No There's one point where it goes carry me let's run away to the gates made of pearl It's literally them singing about like wanting Jesus to just take them away. So they can just drink the cool aid and go off. Wow, yeah. So bizarre. That's awful, Jim Jones, isn't it?

Right. So yeah, so after two solid minutes of watching cartoon animals sleep, eventually slink wakes up and he thinks he hears drinks. So he wanders out into the alley, but then the uncleans attack him. Right. Why wouldn't this just be the beginning of the scene? I do.

We got 19 minutes of sleeping animal monta just go to the next day like we'll get what happened right as the audience understand that it's the next day and a new thing is he rubbed sleep out of his eyes will be like ah there was night yeah. And we only get like 10 seconds of this escape scene. Well right, yeah, great. So yeah, so it's link escapes into a fucking platformer apparently, right? He's about slid and shuffled along until eventually he happens upon Boris and Jack, but that's expensive animation.

Whereas panning slowly away from a pig, me leaning slightly to the left is probably a little bit expensive. Fair point. He grabs a pole that's coming out of a wall and he's like, oh, lad, hey, we're both spinning around the same pole for a second. Cool. We're cool. He's going weird. Yeah.

And then he goes to a pipe and he pops out and there's the pig and the and the donkey. But the Ravens are there too. Now. Did you guys catch the music playing when the Ravens, you know, make their grand entrance? It literally sounds like the Darth Vader entrance, whatever that song. No, wait, no, put those notes in there. You Imperial March. Yes, that. And then they just act like they didn't just do that and start playing other musicals of the set. Again, four notes away. Just like, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, it became one of the changes when we're laughing. One out of the six and it's a totally different song, like bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim b surrounded by blackbirds and the pig is like, oh guys, there's so many black birds here.

And one of the Ravens has this whole like black birds. That's our word, kind of a moment, very uncomfortable. It was so strange. And speaking of drinking the Kool-Aid, what the fuck, these crows have a cult. Yes, like a cult that they think now that the rat is a God king of their cult. Well, he prophecies the coming of a God king, yes. The prophetic sheet-based vision. That's what's happening right now. Sheets again, all of the sheets.

This is a weird ass cartoon, guys. Imagine if we watched this, the way that we watched like, kindo movies or happy science cult movies, imagine that we watched this without any foreknowledge of the Christian mythology. Oh God. Right, and we were just coming to this shit cult, which is let's face it, the way that like most kids are probably getting this, because they're getting this when they're far too young to understand this shit.

How fucking weird is this scene? That's such a mind-fuck. Why is the rat and the crow's and all it just, and the sheets, the white sheets everywhere? Kids are buying the merch and they're doing stuff at the sheets. It's really bad. Yes, sir. I don't know. So, the Ravens now agree that they're going to help the gang find Drake so that the king

can come and make them clean again. I just, okay. No idea that that's what was happening. Using the unclean and clean term again. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm trying not to say cleansing. So don't say cleansing. I said cleansing.

So yeah, so this is where they're going to really show off their mad animation skills. I love this scene. So goddamn much. So we're at that crossroads that I was talking about before and the birds are going to fly around looking for the chicken for the rooster from before, right? But what they're going to do is they're going to we're going to watch them fly up a street and then fly back down that very same street and then make it 90 degree turn and fly one block up and one time we watched out like three times. This scene legitimately gave me motion sickness. I was sitting there like am I feeling nauseous right now watching this? I had to make my screen a little bit more dim and the animation you clearly can see that they're just avoiding having to show the whole

city until the crows are high enough that they just do a bunch of little white squares. And they're like, that looks like Jerusalem. Right, it's probably white. There's another thing too. I didn't notice this until late in the film, but apparently these animators cannot do human faces. No, they cannot. So you will occasionally see a human face for like a split second, but by and large,

we always see humans from behind or from the neck down or from a great distance, where they're not gonna have to animate the face. There will be a moment where it makes a lot of sense why, right? Yep, oh, for sure. Yeah, it was like a horror movie. the whole time I was like, wait, have I seen a human's face yet? No, I don't think I think that was just half of a face. They like really fuck with you. You question whether you've seen a person this entire time, but

they showed just enough I think that you feel like you've seen a person. Right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It took me more than half the movie to realize they've never shown a human face. He's great. Yeah, it's like the jaw Jewish people are the jaws to them. So ultimately though the the pros that we've been watching they land on the great to the sacrificial dungeon And they fly down there like oh, this is this is good. This is where the chicken that we're looking for it. Again, it was so long the montage of them flying up and down the same street. That was hilarious, but it's so much more of that just goes straight to the next scene. Like the movie did a montage as if to stop and think to itself what the plot is going to be next.

And then they figure it out. I think that's exactly what happened. and think to itself what the plot is going to be next. And then they figure it out. I think that's exactly what happened. The animators were like, vamp, vamp, vamp, we're doing it. Just write something. Okay. That might have been what was in the script.

And man just said, vamp, vamp, vamp, in the fucking script. That would make sense. All right, we're going to have them get into a wagon and pass the same tree over. They're birds, man. We're vamping. They're birds, man. We're vamping.

We're vamping. Did you write anything yet for the next scene? No. As you said, the problem is he had with your version of this movie, it's 38 minutes long, which I would have been all four. Don't get me wrong. That's a win. But yeah.

So, but and now this might be the least comfortable scene in the whole fucking movie, race is the most because this is the scene where the white birds Are going to argue with the black birds about which of them is genetically superior. That's real literally That's real. I don't mean eugenics is real. Sorry to be clear. I mean they say that in this scene for real. Yeah Yes, a French and British white dove seen for real. Yes, a French and British white dove that are very racist together as a pair and they're all white and they're the cleans and they're arguing with the crows who are the uncleans. Who are the gangsters, right? They're gang members and they're from the streets, from the alleys. Yeah, it's, oh, God, it's. And they have white sheets. So it's confusing, which team is which, but still it's very bad. There's a race war between birds and the

crows come in and the French white dogs are like, this is, this is a white, only dungeon. It's so literally say that. Yeah. So again, for a children's movie, this is a real fucked up cartoon. Yeah. So, so and then and then this is of course where they hear Drake and they're like, Oh, we recognize your voice as the Rooster we're looking for apparently somehow We'll be back in the next scene to save you So then we get I counted like I timed this

25 seconds of and then it became night as an establish a shot. We go outside the town and watch the sky darken and the moon rise for 25 seconds. I remember watching that scene and I'm like, okay, it's night and I'm watching and watching and I go, the moon is just now coming up and then it keeps going. It wasn't just like, oh, there's the moon and it's nighttime now. It's like, oh, very slow, very slow. Exactly 25 seconds.

Yeah, no, we had to sit there while they thought, okay, what else is night? The moon, the moon happens at night. We already did moon. We already did moon. Cute and moon. So it's good, we're doing the moon. We need another thing. Just do your next scene.

So, yeah, so, but it's that night where we're back in the sacrifice dungeon and then we should point out of course as we mentioned earlier in the review, this is like, there's a conspicuous menorah just sitting on top of the box that Judah and Drake are stuck in, right? Just like a little background reminder. As if to say, this is a Jewish sacrifice, not a Christian one. So the gang comes in to save Drake and the racist doves are so disgusted that there is a pig in their sacrifice dungeon. Right. Because on kosher, to be clear, these are Jewish not-seed doves. That's what we're dealing with. And they literally say this is uncosher.

They say uncosher. Yes, they do. Oh, so bad. All right. So the guy they need to rescue for it, he's still in the crate. So they need Monti, the timid horse to kick the crate open, but he kicks Link by accident, slapstick in the sacrifice dungeon, guys slap classic, classic, pratfalls, slaps and stuff in the eugenic stone. Yeah. The gang, like at this point, they're like, yeah, okay, we'll circle back to the animal Eugenics in a minute. White doves. Thank you. We have to kick open this thing, but we will revisit this and they do. Yep. Yes, they do. Yeah, many times that they do. It's one could say it was the plot. Yeah. It's the plot of the Bible, too. Yeah, well,

that's fair. Yeah, fair enough. So what? But now the guards have heard it. They have to go quick. So Jack the donkey, this is Scott Eastwood's character, he kicks open to crate and the whole gang escapes. Now the music that's playing, I guess there's something about freedom in it or something, but like so like, like, lyrically, maybe it makes a little sense, but musically it absolutely does it. No, zero send. It's like they told Envogue to improvise based on the phrase animals running. And the funky divas were just like, I don't know. Yeah, that weird dance beat just comes on. Yeah.

And then and then the lyrics don't match the music. None of it makes sense. No, I was like, I wrote my notes. It's your jukebox on random. Is that what we're going to say? Oh, free your mind would have been perfect. It's fine. It's fine.

So they get out of town, but just then they realize that Judah, the lamb, isn't there. They got Drake, but Judah stayed behind to release all the other sacrificial animals as foretold by the great prophecy in the kids cartoon He's freeing them from Judaism. Yep, that's that's what's happening right now. That is exactly what's happening and they're hugging him for it And he goes to free the the Jewish Nazi doves, but they refuse to leave. Yeah.

They're like, that's the best part. We're the Lord's chosen. We're not leaving. The sacrifices, it's a God thing. We're awesome and white and Jewish. We're better. Yes. And of course, before he can get everybody out, the guards show back up and he gets caught.

Right? The guards like, oh, it's you, the lamb, causing a bunch of trouble. So he grabs the lamb again and then he's about to throw him in the crate, but the whole gang shows up to rescue Judah. Attack and then that seems over. Was that was so fast. I thought that that was going to be like this big moment

in the movie. Like, this is what we were tweeting for. And then it's over. No, it's over right away. Well, we gotta make room for six minutes of animals sleeping later, you know. Well, yeah, the animators clearly demanded, they got bored.

They got so bored in this movie. They're like, we're gonna do the 10 minutes sleeping, the flying. But three seconds for the fight scene, you add something here. Yeah, they didn't. No, they already rented this set, and nobody's set. They made their, they already drew this room.

Yeah. So, but then, and we should point out that in this scene, Horus inject a rope that's connecting them that they've still been tied together up to this point. It gets snapped by a flame. Horus gets his head stuck in a jar. He's so wacky. Also that flame, did you guys notice? It's just like a random pipe that's on fire. There's no sense. There's your typical pipe fire, and Jerusalem, gas made, you know, fires back then. I just set shit on fire. I'm sure. Yeah. So they they all run out again now, but it's a

menorah for no. So yeah. So they they rescue Judah, they go to run out, but Judah stops to rescue more sacrificial animals. And the people catch them again. So it's just like, oh, okay. So just the last scene didn't even happen, really. Just literally the only thing that happened in this sequence then is the pick of the donkey are no longer tied together. There's a lot of two steps forward, three steps back throughout this entire movie. Yeah. And then a montage while they do the math on that fuck that's a negative one isn't it fuck all right

Somebody write plus two so many so it's a make the make the fucking animal sleep real quick I figure out this math More crow's flying please. Yeah, there we go. Okay, so Jack makes it out of the city He's the only one that escapes and of course they throw the peg out because he's disgusting It's a fucking pig. Unco sure. Yeah. And then we cut back into, so but Jack gets caught.

He gets caught and he gets tied up again. Pin in that. So then we cut back inside the sacrifice dungeon where the gang minus Jack and Horace are, except for Jack and Horace are right outside of there as well, so that they can be part of this, like, this next backstory moment. Because this is where we have to get Judah the Lamb's tragic backstory. This is such a fucked up. Just imagine, as we you described this scene, imagine like a four-year-old looking up to you, asking you to explain what's going on, seen by scene. Terr and terrifying really not well thought through.

Yeah, so we get the lamb telling us about the time his mom said goodbye to him as he was being taken off to be sacrificed. He tells everyone that he's like, my mom said, I'm absolutely perfect in white and the lights some and I'm going to save the world from Judaism. Yep. That's my prophecy. And you watch the crows outside who are listening? Be like, yikes.

Okay. This is a really problematic backstory. Are we teaming up with them for something? I feel like this is bad. Well, right, but so specifically mom says you're gonna set people free. Now what she meant is that by sacrificing him, the people were gonna be set free of sin, but he thought that

he was going to arrest you animals that were in cages. She is also way too excited in her delivery of this message about sending her kid away to die. And like talks about how great it's going to be. Like remember, kids, Marjoram makes you cool. Like, yes. Absolutely message, oh my God. Oh, because she did all but promises them 72 versions.

Yeah, she's just like, I'm so sorry. I could not be prouder of you going off to die for our wrathful God. If Diane on Moniz is cool, call me Miles Davis. So we fall out of this slash back and all the characters have the same look on their faces. We did right there. I like fuck. There might as well be just a big like what?

Yeah, a big cause while the movie is like time out, time out with the montage. Sleep or something. Shit. Shit. Guys, are we still doing this like super racist thing? Yeah, we are because that's what they're going to do for the next act. Yeah. But of course, this is where S may remember that Scottish pigeon or whatever from earlier that named Rob Jesus.

She's like, wait a minute, didn't what's your name say that only the king could set them free? Maybe that'll happen in the next act. And then there's this fucked up moment where Slink tries to explain to Judah what it means that he's going to set people free and Judah just keeps not getting it. This is like the second of four times that that'll happen. Yeah. Oh my god. In fairness, he's trying to describe a blood sacrifice where you die for humanity's sins as a lamb. And he's like, I don't get it, man.

It's going to be a D.I. And the lamb is a kid. I'm a child. If I was the audience of what you just told me, that would be crazy, right? Yeah. And then Jack gives this like weirdly nihilistic speech about how humanity is beyond redemption and there isn't a good enough man to bring them back from the brain. He got so dark, like very, very dark.

And he even says something in there along the lines of, I don't have a heart, which is straight out of the Wizard of Oz, the 10 man. Oh yeah. He was like, I don't have a heart. I have ropes for a heart. What's the cost? A noose. I have a heart.

I have a literal noose. Yeah, creepy. It's such a shitty setup too. It's so obvious. It's like, he's like, I'm, you know, the very logical atheist donkey. I will never believe in God unless God gives me a heart. I will never believe in God unless

There was somebody who could fix my heart Dot dot dot. I said dot dot dot that out loud you go down shaped hole is oddly shaped hole in my heart What could yeah, and of course Link is like oh if you met Jesus you wouldn't feel completely different if you had a Personal relationship with Christ our Savior, you would no longer feel that nihilism, or whatever you say. Oh, that's what I was gonna say, personal relationship with like a Jesus. I love that Slink is talking about Jesus

and explaining him to Jack and talks about how he's met him and he's very kind and noble. Well, the only time that we know of that Slink is met him, Jesus was a newborn baby and's very kind and noble. Well, the only time that we know of that slink is met him, Jesus was a newborn baby and he was kind and noble. How did you get that? A noble five hour old, yes. So what? Great.

I mean, most infants are kind, I guess, and that they can't do anything else. They never have to cut me off in traffic, yeah. So, okay. I love to hear that this newborn baby was like sitting up high on a big chair or like smoking cigar, and just brought us to empower moves that whole night.

Oh shit. Yeah, no, it does imply that slink is met asshole babies. This one is kind and noble. So this is a, this is a weird cartoon. All right, well, I'll tell you what, Jack's about to go off on a monologue about the evils of slavery.

I need another fucking break. But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell. Can't Jack overcome his cynical refusal to love Jesus in time? Will this children's cartoon include graphic depictions of capital punishment? Will Judas Teeth haunt my nightmares for the rest of my goddamn life? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll return for the traumatizing conclusion of the lion of Judah. You know, those big wireless providers are a lot like Republicans.

They suck. No. I mean, yes, but that's not. They're lying to the masses in a Flagorant attempt to enrich themselves. No. Well, I mean, still, still, yeah, but we should with an until they can't any anymore. Please, please stop guessing. See, select the GOP big wireless providers want to narrowly define what constitutes a family. Would it take me a while to get there? Yeah. Yeah.

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That's MintMobile.com slash Gam. Cut your wireless build a 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash Gam. Mint Mobile, because your wireless provider probably wants to overthrow the government and replace democracy with a petrulent man, baby. I feel like we've taken that analogy too far. Republicans shouldn't be allowed to. He could have said vote. You don't know. Maybe. Maybe I said vote. Okay, welcome back to the writer's room.

So you didn't like the white sheets? I feel like you didn't like the white sheets? I feel like he didn't like the white sheets. He doesn't like them. You know what, second guy, why don't you, why don't you take lunch too? Chicken fields, yeah, all right. Okay, boss, I'm getting the vibe that you did not like, the white sheets thing, is that what you're saying?

You set up a race war. You had one side collecting white sheets and talking about cleansing. Yeah, yeah. Okay, no, I hear that, but we gave the sheets to the black team. The black team that you were calling the uncleans. The unclean, right, but we're saying they're the good guys. We like the uncleans, so we're not in favor of the KKK. I think that's clear.

But okay, but why have sheets at all? Because the leader of the uncleans had a prophetic dream about being inside a big white sheet. Right, but that's not, there's no dreaming crow in the butler. Do you wrote that? Yeah, I did write that. I kind of painted myself into a corner with that. I got it. I got it. What? No, because there's no painting into corners with writing. You just, you just write whatever you want and then you just erase whatever you want later. Totally erased. Yeah, that's why you're the boss. Gotcha. Okay. Well erase it. The voice actors are recording act two right now. So it's too late to change that. Just do me a favor and act three, nothing with bigot stuff, okay? Nothing with bigot stuff, got it, totally.

Okay, so do you have any ideas for the ending? Yeah, so I'm thinking the whole thing with animals is just a metaphor about freeing the Jewish people from being part of an evil religion that's full of bigotry and, you know, them instead becoming Christian, which is totally different and way better than Judaism, which is gross. To that is perfect. I absolutely love it. That's great.

That's exactly. Love it. Awesome. Yeah. And it's cool because Jewish people are white. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Wait, are they?

Are they? I think they're white. I think we're good. I think we're good. Okay. And we're back. I think we're good. Okay. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to open up on Slink, waking up the next day to Jack the donkey being dragged away in Bondage after his big slavery speech the night before.

Right? And then we get a montage of very slowly walking a donkey forever. 19 minutes of that. Takes so long. Now, keep in mind, by the way, that like we watch Jack give a whole speech about how bondage is terrible and everything. And then he's going to learn that, yeah, sometimes it works out just fine, right? Immediately after that, that's the next thing that's going to happen. That's the learned lesson.

Yeah. Yeah. So we have a whole musical number of walking the donkey out of town. That's so long. It's so stupid. Do you imagine a donkey on a rope? And now imagine 19 minutes in your head. Do you know how long that is? Well, and what we have to see is that the guy who's leading the dog he has to keep jerking his head with the rope because he's a bad doggy owner. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And so but then he hands him off to a good donkey owner who takes the news off of his neck takes the rope off of the donkey Could be Yes, it is Marsha now himself In the role of Christ our Savior. Yep. This whole scene is so bizarre There's like this 90s pop ballad playing in the background. Yeah, Jesus is very gently removing Jack's ropes and then Jesus's hand is gently stroking his neck back and forth for way too long.

Yes, yes, way too long. This is like a love scene between Dorothy and Jesus. Thank you. Right here. I was like sexual moment weird what is that? And then donkey goes you're the baby they talked about to grown as Jesus Oh, I can tell the the nobility that you had at five hours old is obvious Jesus forgives the donkey of his sins Like what kind of fucking Right right where you in a show in Mexico or something I don't No, that's your thing. Yeah, but Jack is like oh, I was terrible dog

He had no one should ever love me and he's like I forgive you dog. He's like I I feel feel pretty good actually now. Oh, well, he's an atheist donkey. He's a nihilist. Oh, that must be it. Yeah. He is him or maybe his Judaism passed also. That's screaming against the Holy Spirit as donkeys are want to do. Yeah. So and so Jesus is like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the donkey's like, you need to help me save my friends by coming to Jerusalem. And I wanted Jesus to be like, sorry, I have a dinner thing today. It's a big roll. It's a weird sort of one side of a table and everything.

Oh my God. So, yeah. of a table and everything. Oh my God. So yeah, but and Jack turns to the ravens there in the tree and he says, Hey, go tell the rest of the gang about this plot twist. It turns out I'm that donkey, you know. Right. Because of course the raven crow people are just still hanging out randomly. Yeah, yeah, they are assistants to the white characters, yeah. And then we pass with them. The Ravens have to fly over the city for like three and a half minutes now. Again, motion sickness again. Oh yeah, no kidding. But then the Ravens land at the market and they're like, hey, we have to tell you the next plot point, but all the humans are throwing rocks at him going, oh, you filthy, unclean birds go away. Yes, they're throwing rocks at the black unclean

characters. And they do manage to tell all of the main character animals that the king is on his way. But just then someone buys Judah. Well, he survived long enough for Christ to redeem him. Yes. Flink there is super concerned about Judah becoming a slave instead of the martyr that he's supposed to be. No, no, no, we can't let you get bought. You have to be a free sacrifice. Yeah. And then of course, once again, he's like, no, no, this guy's going to kill you. There's a forgiveness of your sins. He's like, oh, you mean like he's going to tell a joke that's so good. It really just kills me.

And he's like, no, I got to admit, man, we keep trying to explain this to you. And this is when it finally sinks in. Right. This is where Judah finally realizes that he's gonna be a sacrificial lamb. That Mary had. Yes. And his little. And meanwhile, Jesus rides into,

Jesus might as well crowd surf his way into town, right? Like the ruckus applause that greets him at the door here. Weaving palm trees everywhere. Yeah, right, right. And now I wanna point out, in the book of Matthew, Jesus actually rides two doggies in the town on Adult and occult. Yeah, I am so pissed. I've always wondered how that works and they're gonna they're gonna cheat here

And only give us one I was because the guys like does he stand out like on ones back and the other doing like the the George Washington Lean the two donkeys are dressed up like the George Washington lean. The two donkeys are dressed up like the horse cost. Oh my God. But Doug, how does it work? But no, they'll give us one fucking doggy dumb shit. Also, back to the whole human animation thing, I cannot remember for the life of me in that scene with a crowd of people in Jesus if we saw any of their faces or not. You guys remember?

Hmm, do not. For just a second, we see Jesus's face from the side and the weird like it looks like you put Google E eyes on a popsicle. It truly does. It's so fucking bad. We just see it for a second. But no, the rest of it, we see him from behind and we see like a faceless mass of people in front of him. Yeah.

And Jesus pets the pig, I feel like he wouldn't pet the pig. Right? So anyway. But yeah, so we cut back to somebody buying Judah, Jesus meets the pig. I feel like he's gonna banish demons into him, send him off a cliff or something, he doesn't. You know, if you don't, you're not going to turn your up now,

neither. Yeah. Alan, this is out now, and either. Alan, this is when we get the table flipping thing, right? Yes. This is where we get Jesus' famous temper tantrum. Yeah, I think so. Which escalates so quickly, literally in the same scene. Jesus is like super chill, riding the donkey, everyone's waving stuff.

And he goes crazy, like, I don't know if you guys remember the animation. His arms were just like waving wildly in the air. Like a rock-a-scaka robot is for the mission for real. But in a really stiff, it looks like a sims that's wearing robes. That's like, my wife fell in the pool just wildly waving around. And tables are flying, but you don't really see his hands like make contact. It's just. No, the animatization never worse than it is at this moment right here.

And also they don't build up to it in any way. So it's just all of a sudden he just walks in. He's like, Hey, little piggy. You're just swell table flip your table. So if he goes, this is the temple and he's mad that they're selling stuff in the temple that's like somehow bad Yeah, the money one the money changers. Yeah, so it's really supposed to be the one after right And but they're selling doves to there so he flips some table nobody was just gonna be like hey man Fucking stop and just like grab him and like

That's what should have happened. But yeah, he flips a bunch of tables and in the Bible anyway, it's his big moment. But I love it. The big moment for Jesus Christ is the same as losing a game of monopoly. That's his big thing is like fuck this. That's exactly how it comes across. Yeah, exactly So okay, so the gang escapes though like while he's doing his tirade He also like breaks their cages and flips over their enclosures and everything so they all run out So well they all fun to that same crossroads that we've been and so often and They're like which way did you to go when the Ravens are like he went that away, right? So they run

Dead through the exact same crossroads, but going the other way this time. Did you guys notice the posters on the walls? Oh no. Yeah, yeah, there's good puns here. If you thought that we were done with the white sheets, we were not. The posters on the walls say things like missing sheet mystery sheets foul

play suspected like bastard. Oh, brilliant. Good one. Just plastered all over the wall. Yeah, and also by the way, so so that they can get a whole chase scene or like running to the rescue scene, we have to watch and keep taking corners. So it's like you have to straight away. So many corners. But eventually

they've come to a dead end, right? They end up in this dead end alley, but they can hear Judah crying through the wall. So the guy who bought Judah like phased through a wall with no door. Yeah. Because they they end up at a dead end. Yeah, they don't say how he got there. No, they don't explain any of this. And then they hear Judah crying through the wall or whatever, right? And they try to kick through it. Oh, and right before that Drake says, it's a whaling wall, which makes me feel like they set up that entire nonsensical scene of he's just through a wall before that joke.

You're right. You're right. That was the second best joke in the movie after that. I have to pay it off. Yeah, absolutely. So worth it. Someone was like, we need to make a joke about a whaling wall because we're in Jerusalem. There's so much inappropriate to joke about shit. Yeah, exactly.

Like, how can we make light of the holiest place in the world? How do we turn that into a site? How to rooster make a joke about it? You guys sleep on a pun even better. Yeah. Sleep for half hour. I'll draw a wall. Yeah. So they hear the, they hear the whaling through the wall. Very clever. And they decide toaling through the wall. Very clever.

And they decide to kick through the wall, try to rescue Judah. But we see it from the inside and the outside. And from the outside, they're kicking a wall. And from the inside, they're kicking the ceiling. Yeah, how is the ceiling collapsing? How is the ceiling collapsing from kicking the base of the wall on the outside? What did this spatial dimensions do a little change? I thought they were about to do like an inception scene, right? Where they were like walking on the walls and see the walls.

Oh, fuck, we're sideways and you're, yeah, right? Maybe the animators just assigned, they were like, hey, you guys make this side of the wall or the building? Where they're kicking and we're gonna make this inside inside and we're not going to talk to each other at all about anything else other than that. That's entirely possible. Then they came back together and we were like, we did ceiling. Well, we did wall. Well, we're going to have to be dead.

It'll be fine. We'll never know. Somebody needs to change it. Yes, somebody does. The fuck it. And Somebody needs to change it. Yes, somebody does. That's fucking it. And they just move with it. We'll make a wailing wall joke instead of the fact of. You know, really, if you think about it, there's still going to be drying their tears from

that wailing wall joke at this point. Nobody will notice. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. So they, but they can't kick it in because if they try to kick the wall in the ceiling or give and he'll die anyway And then what would be the point during this time by the way they accidentally kick the mouse Slink back into his cage again. How does this keep happening? There's a lot of accidents with kicking and ropes

I feel like Monty is actually just looking for an opportunity to kick Slink, right? Like he's just like, oh, I've accidentally kicked you against Slink. You fucking pretentious douchebag. Ooh, I want to ask her. He was 1955 asshole. I think Slink might just be a little creepy and wants to hang out with Judah, the baby lamb. Oh, all right, all right.

And no matter which way we go, it's disturbing. So let's move on. But this is where, of course, S-Make says, oh, we can't get to the wall, but that's okay. Remember what the Scottish pigeon said? Only the king can say, man, we saw the king earlier. Somehow we just knew. We recognize, we saw him when he was five hours old, obviously, he still has the same

chin. So, we recognize them. And he's like, well you know, we recognize them. And he's like, well, how will we find them? And the one, one of them says, or I think it's Jack, he says, well, we'll all have to split up and go our own ways. And he's like, is that just a pad timer

where we actually have little adventures? He's like, just a pad timer. It's just where it just. Yep, 100%. I wanted Jesus to actually show up here and just explain that like, okay, I see you guys are trying to like do a metaphor for my, I do my thing.

It doesn't matter. Animal stuff doesn't matter. I have a promise. I'm going to do a thing which of you is above when really doesn't matter. I can't stress that. So, okay, so it's time for another time-pounding musical montage where each of the animals goes off to a background. We've already seen the ask if anybody's seen

she says. In a montage of animals being all sad about their Judaism, just like, ruff, wallowing. It's so manipulative. We actually get a scene of Judah looking at us going, but I don't want to die. They're giving this to children. As a Jewish person. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he's literally crying, which is so weird that up until this point, he's just completely missed that. Like, we've all been let in on the fact that he's a sacrificial lamb. His mom was like, bye, go do great things and get martyred. And he's just now like crying about being killed. Yeah, now I guess where'd you get right to it? Like it's just like, all right, well now I'm nervous. Yeah. Right. And I love because they got so little that they could do once again, they can only

use these given backgrounds. So this is what we get in terms of looking for for Jesus like, Jack will be like, hmm, is he left? Nope, is he right? Fuck it, I give up, right? What about up? Did we, I think we switched up to left? Oh, that's right. No, you never know which direction we covered. So we covered it then, right?

Yeah. We get Drake just kind of looking over the city who all go to the mouth. He's not in that court here. I'm done. So they all meet back at the end of the montage. They all meet back at the spot when they started the montage having accomplished nothing Not a damn thing But just then they realized that Judah has gone. He's been taken away in the night and

There's a torches and pitch forks type crowd wandering by their leading Christ to Pontius Pilate for judgment. Guys, this is a weird fucking cartoon. Once again, just imagine if you didn't know the mythology and you were just like, wait, are they going to kill that guy? And there's just like dark shadows everywhere. It's so creepy and spooky and ominous. All right. So they run to see what's going on with Jesus. It's so creepy and spooky and ominous.

All right, so they run to see what's going on with Jesus. They don't make it to the city gates in time, though, the city gates get closed before they can get in. But Drake, the rooster, can save the day with a little bit of wacky rooster par core. Yeah. I like that he's literally being led to be tortured,

Jesus is, and they cut from the scene, they're like, we need some comedic relief. Let's have a rooster do parkour. Yeah. Yeah. What an appropriate thing to follow up that previous scene. Right. Hey, Jesus is getting his ass beat right now. But this rooster can jump really high. You should feel better about it. What about a pig sleeping right after that? He's going to burp in his sleep by bet or fart. Come on, guys. And of course, this is, and again, like there's three clever moments in this movie, they all involve Drake the Rooster apparently, but this is where Drake wanders by the denial of Peter.

He's the fucking Rooster that grows after the third denial, guys. That was perfect. That was pretty solid. It's in the Bible. They actually nailed that. I thought, yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah, no, I thought so too. I was just like, I, credit work, credit to do. That was, I didn't see that coming.

I don't know why I didn't. But right after he does, he's like, cock a dude, I'll do, I've done my part and then they throw him back over the gate and he's back with the rest of the game. So that's all he does. It's not like he did it on his way to something else that moves a plot along. So that's, to be clear, that's all he does. It's not like he did it on his way to something else that moved the plot along. So that's to be clear, that's God's plan. God was like parkour parkour parkour. Peter

Denial three times cockadoodle-doo and throw him back out. That's my plan. Yeah, yeah, hand it all worked out. So all right, I know what you're thinking as the audience, are we going to get another sleeping montage or what? Yes, we are. We're going to spend a good 90 seconds now watching all of these animals sleep for the third time in the film. Jesus, God, it might be fourth. Actually, no, it is. It is fourth. It is fourth because we've cut it with like we meet them all asleep. Yeah. Oh, that's true. So it's the next morning lost the Raven Michael Madsen shows up to tell him where in the Bible we are This is the part where Jesus is dragging his cross to Golgotha. Yeah, apparently they made crucifixion day like a bank holiday in Jerusalem

Everyone who's anyone yeah, buy and little crosses from vendors. It's like everyone who's anyone. Yeah, buy and little crosses from vendors. It's weird And I love the and we get this whole big long thing where the animals are like Why are they torturing him to death? He's done nothing wrong And I'm like how would you guys know what he's done right? Right like he could be the Jeffrey Epstein of their time for all you know They're animals. Yeah. They're really getting confident with their judging. Yeah, and then it's not like they're like animals

reading the newspapers on a regular or something. They can't even read Jerusalem on the side of the box. Yeah, exactly. I mean, maybe the head, maybe if the fucking Scottish hadn't showed up, it was like, nah, he's completely innocent, but it makes no fucking sense as is. Where is she?

Because she does everything. Right, she only pops up like two times and it's like, well, no shit, we figured that out now. Yeah. We didn't hurt with us the whole fucking time. Why don't you take the one person that can read? It makes no sense. Okay.

She was holding down the fort at the farm. I don't know. We're the no animals. Yeah, right, right. Like, they were milking. We're again, it's okay. None of this makes any. Okay. So okay. So meanwhile, Judah, the lamb is the next one up for ritual slaughter. And he's literally happy to watch the knives

be sharpened for his sacrifice in a children's movie. Yes, this is a fucked up cartoon, guys. So okay. So the gangluckess Jesus all the way out of town. The cartoon animals watch nails be driven through priced hands and feet in this cartoon. At the same time we see the priest dragging Judah towards the altar, you get the symbolism here I'm sure. So now we're witnessing the animals witness a crucifixion just like we watch them watch the birth But this time they don't hold back on the sound effects and you can hear the nail and hammer and Jesus Jesus is grown so Violin death totally okay for kids child birth sounds no

Wow, what what the fuck go into the birthing hot outside of town? Yeah, I'm Cleaning yeah, wow that's so fucked up cuz no we should point out like we don't actually watch the nails go in We watch them like lower him under the cross and then we can see them like dude hammering a nail in from a distance or whatever But we do watch and put the crucifix off we were put the cross on right? We might as well see blood splatter onto the guy's hand like face as he does the hand. It's like graphic and you can totally hear it. Well, honestly, the only reason they didn't do that is because we would have had to show a human face to do that part. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's why they didn't fully show a Jewish person.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Very good. So yeah, so they put Jesus up on the cross. Jack leads the fucking gang up Goldgitha for a heart to heart with Jesus. We go with the Gospel of John's version of Jesus as last words. It is finished. Just as a quick reminder, Matthew and Mark have, my God, why has thou forsaken me and Luke has father into thy hand? I commend my spirit. So like, what are the odds that everybody would get the last words spoken by their savior correct?

Why would they go with it is finished? Well, the other ones you just read were some things, but we get like, all right. Yeah. I'm out. It's not going great. I'm up on this cross. I'm pretty sure I'm dying like right now.

Last words, scum, the savior gotta make this good. I'm just gonna stop. Don't have to be dumb. It is finished. Stupid. It's because he knew his audience was animals at this point. He was like, I would have said those other things. So there's no people here to record it.

So I'm just gonna go with the reward. Yeah, that would make sense, right? Because the last thing that he heard that any human sad was, you know, until I had, I can mend my spirit, but then I guess John had the pig's account. I think. So, you do the same hours.

Yeah, exactly. He was just like, boo, boo, boo, all right. Yeah, I guess that's it. So, yeah, but Jesus dies. There's a great tremor that is felt upon the land. I wrote my notes here. I bet they skipped Matthew's army of zombie saints rising from the ground, and I was right, they did.

They did skip that. Barely, it was still a pretty intense theme. Oh, they had a loss. Yeah, that it was. They didn't shy away from much. I like that the earthquake knocked over the lamb slaughter guy. So the lamb slaughter guy's about to kill Judah the lamb at this moment, too. And he's like, where are these the Kings? Never going to show up and save me. But the earthquake

doesn't lamb slaughter guy was like a really long big slapstick pratfall that like, he falls down the old desk. fucking steps. Yeah, yeah, don't don't don't the whole fucking way I wanted him to fall on his own knife at the end or something like that. That's what I thought was about that happen Yeah But no, but the old banana peels there and then green They hit the green shelf just right you can get a hundred men right there. So again, this is very narrow. I'm doing real narrow shit tonight.

So, but then, yeah, the alter cracks, the big flag thing rips or whatever. Sleeped the mouse grabs the rope and cuts, June or free. So now, June it does get to live. And he is elated that he's been free. And he says he knows it was Jesus. But then when Flink tries to ask how he knows it was Jesus, he has nothing to back it up with other than he says, it's a feeling, which is very consistent with Christian theology. So that's true. Yeah. Yeah. But the script very much

goes like, I just for the whole thing to make sense I have to know that. And the rest of the movie will not work if I don't. It's a relationship. Yeah, it's a feeling. Trust me, bro. Yeah, it's not. So, okay.

So the gang is up on Calvary Hill and they hear Judah celebrating the death of the Messiah. In his defense, he doesn't know yet. Why? He's like, I'm free. I'm free. I don't care what it costs. You know, and it just like I get I know that the character doesn't know what happened, but Yippy is a weird emotion to follow up Jesus's death with, right? There's little like child voice. It's like, yay, this is the best day ever. And they're all just like looking at his corpse up on the cross. That's not appropriate.

So they run down to where Judah is. And Jack has to explain to him that the Jews killed Jesus. It's all their fault. Of course. And S May realizes the entirety of Christian theology. She's like, oh, wait, now he's the blood sacrivisant. We need no longer, animals need no longer supper. You know, I was like, how did you get there?

Make the Scottish hen show up at least. Right. And of course, then they have to do this sad moment where Judith's like, no, he's not dead. I'll show you. And he has to run off and thank Jesus' corpse. But so that we don't have to go through that, they have him like, stay shows up

in the bodies have already been removed. So now the gang follows Judah to Christ's tomb. And they're like, yeah, that's what they do with him when they die. And he's like, nah, pretty sure he'll show up in the next day or three. I'm pretty sure we just hang out here. There will be a big third act moment.

And they all have to be like, all right, man, it's been like a couple days now. Probably just a dead guy. He's building the moment I'm waiting. And we should point out once again, in terms time-panting we watch three days go by we watch the two sun rises We watch the two sunsets. We watch the third day dot. It's just it's so much 24 hours of sleeping in Incredits of eight we watched that in the movie. Yeah, yeah I had to rewind it because I was like wait what is happening? Why are we is this scene still going?

Did I just right skip something? Yeah, cuz there's like a point where you're just like They're gonna do this for the rest of time aren't they they're just gonna do all the days between this day and that I don't think but yeah are they playing out the three days in real time? real time. Exactly. And of course all the animals are having this like, hey, how long do we indulge this bullshit kind of a thing? So finally, on the third day, they tell them presumably to be like 800's time that like no humans don't just spontaneously come back to life, you're going to have to come with

us. I like that Jack, you know, the atheist was like, guys, we just met this lamb like a few days. We just take off, right? Right. Why do we care so much about that? I'm not even with you guys. So, so yeah, so they finally convinced you to he starts to kind of go his way off with him.

And then he's like, no, I'm running back one last time because I'm not giving up on Jesus. So now he's not giving up. Man, it's that we have to eat. You know, eventually we have to, we're going to eat all of the fucking hay that's around here. All the, as mostly fried pubes anyway. We're going to go get something. But then Judah has this whole big monologue where he explains that that big round stone isn't big enough to contain the love of Jesus.

I think they stole that from like a Hillsong pastor's message from the one Sunday morning. That's exactly how it felt. That big rock ain't holding love Jesus. That sounds like a title, yes. So, but just then of of course, the stone rolls back and Jesus steps out and he's like, I was hoping that there would be a lamb. I could hug right when I came out. What? Yeah. Judo is so annoying about all of this, like the amount of times they were trying to be like, Hey, Jesus is dead. Hey, he's in a tomb that I just really wish that they had convinced him to leave just a couple

of hours before. And then we even dumped it. Like, he'd be like, well, shit, I guess he was dead after all. And then the movie would have ended. You lived the rest of his life as a Jew, but yeah, right. But he was so like cocky and pompous about like, look, I told you guys, it's Jesus. It was just like, oh, fuck, that's not how life works, buddy. I thought Christianity works, oh, fuck, that's not how life works buddy.

I said Christianity works though, yeah. Then he just walks back up to slaughter guy. He's like, all right, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I didn't really help. So everybody shows up and get or comes up and gets screeches from Jesus, I guess, right?

I wanted Jesus to be like, oh, it's animal. I thought, my lady friend was going to be here maybe. You guys again? Animals are cool then. Yeah, right. Are you guys eating pubes? And this is, of course, the first time we get an actual good look at the Jesus space. This is the first, this is when Jo's finally comes up on the DACA or a little bit here.

And man, is it obvious why we waited this long. He has a unibrow. So the animators are like, look, we're paying by the brown guys. There's no reason. I'm not tweezin' this guy for you. It's been a lot of time on this. All right. So now we wrap up.

We start with Judah and his mom's reunion. Judah comes back to his mom and she's and and I feel like he should come back and say, Lady, you do they were taking me to kill myself. It was not a time for you for me. All right. What the off? Thank you. You guys need to talk about this. I'm so sure she was at pissed when she first saw him because she was so excited saying goodbye when he was going off to be sacrificed. Yeah. Clearly coming back having not done his job. You get glenished. Yeah. Right. Hey. Great. Yeah. Now we're going to get in trouble with the pastor or whatever. So yeah. But and then we get the gang heading

back to their farm, I guess. But Jack decides that he doesn't want to go with them He wants to go back to Jerusalem and help with Christ's ministry. Oh, is that what he was doing? That's what he was doing. He's gonna go back and give rides for the He's gonna drive Uber and Jerusalem, I guess I wanted somebody to be like, oh, okay, you're gonna go back Why'd you walk all the way out of town with us? What happened? And now you're just turning around. Really no, I'm a sense.

No, he literally walks like halfway home and then was like, all right guys, I'm gonna stay in Jerusalem and then proceed to take like a three day journey all the way back. Yeah. Right. And then so with that, we cut back to the cross, we got one last final scene

Where one of the crows says hey, does this mean that we're clean again? And the other one's like, yes Sure does he goes, what does that mean exactly so it means that the humans can eat us And they're like really that's not the exact last line of the movie as it is like you sure is okay Seriously, thanks to Jesus, people can eat crow. That's the end. That's the end. All right, so I've watched me and he then watched a bunch of happy science cult movies and shit like this. So this is a very different question for us than it is for you, but I'm curious to

know to close things out. Where does this movie rank in terms of most fucked up cartoons that you have ever seen? You can include Japanese animation as well. Oh, this is really high up there. And I've seen the original animated line, which in the wardrobe, which was severely fucked. Oh, I can get it to that on the show. In terms of the racism, I imagine they're pretty similar. That's true.

That's true. Although the excessive white sheets in this one, I think just sent it right over the edge. And I have to rank it as the worst children's animated movie I have ever seen. Awesome. Awesome. Do you think the white sheets were on purpose or missed as a problem and left there by accident? I don't see how you could possibly put that in without it.

It's real hard to give them the benefit of the job. There's no reason for it. And used, used in the same scene as the word cleansing. Yeah. It was in multiple times. Right. So I feel like it was on purpose. It's like the shittiest dog whistle ever. It's just a big loud whistle that everybody can fucking hear.

Yeah, it's like dogs too, but yeah, right? Yeah. So all right, well, I'll tell you what, for whatever reason I feel almost honored to have made the top spot on the worst cartoon you've ever seen. But hopefully we can beat that eventually, a heavy back on sometimes. I'd love to.

All right, so, and obviously, thank you so much for hanging out with us today, but if our audience wanted to hear more from you, remind them where to go. Yeah, thanks guys. I had so much fun. This was awesome. I am over on TikTok as Eve underscore was framed, and you can find me on Instagram and Twitter under the same handle. Eve underscore was framed.

Awesome. Or just check the show notes. We'll have everything linked there as well. And while that does for our review of the line that you did, that's not going to do it for the episode. Just check. So we still need to drop a pin into next week. So he tell us what's on deck faith under fire. We got Kevin Sorbo. Heen Kane, I believe.

All right. I was I was guy because I, you know, I get real happy with cartoons. It's always hard to come off of them, but coming off of them with, Kevin Sorba is something of a cartoon. So, I can handle that. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring up, so three, fifty, seven to one,

most of the clothes, once again, huge thanks to Eepra Hain Outlet and tonight, and perhaps even a huge, thanks to all the Patreon owners to help me to show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can go to the prep episode donation at patreon.com.com.

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The crows start a family-dry cleaning business specializing in white sheep. Drake, Horus and S May got back to the farm just in time to be murdered and eat. We would be... as Christians. Yeah, well, right, yes, true. The Preciting Podcast was a production of Puzzle and Ethnistrum LLC Copyright 2022, all rights reserved.