God Awful Movies - 358: Noah's Shark

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Noah's Shark, and we tell you all about the secret shark-based story of the Bible that they don't want you hearing about. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Looking for a stress-free summer? Hello, fresh sends you foolproof step-by-step recipes and fresh, free portion ingredients to make meal time a summer breeze. Get 16 free meals plus three free gifts with code awful16. HelloFresh.com slash awful16. I'm a bugger bugger code. And so, she's the one who sort of comes on to him, right?

And she's like, don't you want to do this? And he's like, yeah, but spike pit. And like points to a spike pit under the tree. What happened? Okay, Cara. See, this is a typical woman. Typical woman. Oh, the minute you want to do it, we just have to ignore the fact

that we're standing next to an aforementioned unmentioned spike Oh God awful movie Welcome back to God Alpha Movies. Reach week, watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Heathen right?

And I'm joined by the Eli Bosnick. Eli has a gun. Fantastic. You doing great. We're recording this song. Are you doing great? Are you recording this song? Are you recording this song?

Are you recording this song? Are you recording this song? Are you recording this song? Are you recording this song? Are you recording this song? We're hurting this on is it Friday not to not to switch roles, but we're hurting this on Friday June 24th at two o' four a p.m. and I am in the mood to make jokes. We're telling four gilliaid time. Great. But wait, heath, heath. Yeah. Can you think of anyone who might be more in the mood to make jokes than you? I'd like to welcome veteran maskist and skin

book enthusiast, Cara Santamaria. Cara, welcome back. Oh, and Roe V. Wade enthusiast. Yes. We got about that. This is a great time to be making the jokes. Wacky Shark movie coming up. Cara, tell us us what are we gonna be breaking down today? Okay, so we watched a movie titled Noah's Shark. Get it? Noah's Shark. Oh, Shark? Like, it's the story of, so this is what they wrote in the script guys. They write it's the story of

blank and I left it blank because I don't know what the movie is. I think you know, yeah, it's the story of blank. It's a fucking great summary you know the exact answer. It's the story of blank. It's a fucking great summary. That's what it's the story of. I think that might have been the script for this movie and it's the story of blank. This is probably, I mean, I appreciate, this is the shortest film that I have been subjected to.

So I appreciate that, but at the same time, it was the most confusing for me. Yeah, Yeah. There are several moments in this film where it's like, hey, hey, fuck you. It's your following along. I have no idea what happened. Maybe y'all can explain it to me. Eli, before we get to that, tell us how bad was this movie? Well, if you love corny bad sci-fi shark movies with puns in their titles, I do.

Got you. This is not that. This is not that. This is mostly talking about Bible Lord that the movie made up and shots of the manager of a local hot topic. Got you. There's 100% what happened in the casting. All right. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, oh, oh, best worst marine biology. Sure. Because multiple times are at this film and we will point them out. There is a shark. I think this is the antagonist of the movie. I'm not sure though. I think the shark is the antagonist. It's not clear, but sometimes it is a freshwater shark. Yep. Other times it is a land shark.

Yep. Both of which, not sure it's. Sometimes it's a waiting shark in a very small shallow area. Boat shark. It's a boat shark. Boat shark. Yes. It's almost never a deep ocean shark.

No. Okay. I was going to go with a best, best, best, sexy Apple commercial. Yeah. So it sounds like I was talking about like the computer company. I'm not. I'm talking about the Apple, the fruit. There's this hot topic manager is a witch demon, something that does several times because they just keep reusing the same stuff maybe a commercial sexily for the fruit called apple.

Yep, it's very confusing, but I enjoyed it. I think the witch of Endor, often as we see her, is not a cast member of this movie. I think she might be stock footage. She may be. And if that's the case, I think there should be legal limitations on how you use stock footage. Also, and I know that we'll get here, but I'm not clear on, I think there are two incarnations of her or is she the same is it two different actresses? That is two different actresses. Yeah. Those are, okay, I had a, like, little

red riding hood and then the witch. Those are different things that we're going to get to. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Those are different people. I believe playing the same character, but the movie is not sure. And let me just say not super similar looking white woman. Like, well, I think she's a red and maybe both times. Right. I don't know. And of course, I am going to go with best worst child molestation subplot. So you know how in the heroes journey, there always needs to be that stumbling block at the end. Hey, aren't you that baseball player who struck out during the big match? Hey, aren't you that boxer who lost the big fight?

Our priests subplot will be, hey, aren't you that guy who fucked a bunch of kids? And it will be a rubber chicken-esque punchline throughout the entire film. Yeah, that's true. The response is like, I just fuck those, anyway, no, G, whatever. Just fucking out of you. Ah, it's cool. It'll be a sub plot though. Yes. Speaking of which, I think we're gonna take a quick break because that's in the movie. And then we'll be back to tell you all about Noah's Shark. Oh no! The shark is coming! I'll shoot it with my machine gun.

It's not working. Yes it is. Kids, what's you doing there? We're playing Shark Attack. Oh what's Shark Attack? Well there's like a bad shark with a demon and he's attacking us, but I'm a bodyguard and I shot it. Yeah but it's not dead. Yes it is.

Okay. Alright, that's enough of that. Why don't you guys play something else? Fine. Okay. Oh, also, can Daddy use your game for a movie because I could really use $100 from the sci-fi channel? I mean, can't you think of a better movie, Dad?

Nope. Nope. I cannot. Sure. I guess so. a better movie, Dad? Nope, nope, I cannot. Sure. I guess so. Thanks, great. Dad? Yeah, kiddo. Other other jobs and writing movies for the sci-fi channel?

Like Firemen or Banker? Not for me, kids. Not for me. Okay. Yeah, I'm just getting home now, so I'll send you an email. Okay, right, right. Okay. All right. Bye. Kara. Damn it, guys. I just changed the lock. Yeah. Yeah. We know. The locksmiths. That was just us in moustaches. I wonder why one of them needed the bathroom for 45 minutes. IBS isn't a joke. Kara. There are millions of us. Millions. Yeah, got it. Okay.

So why did you hang a sign in my room that says, Invitations? Yeah, sorry, that was supposed to say, intervention, but Eli got confused on the spelling. Confused on the spelling I did, yes. Yeah, that tracks. Okay, so why are you having an intervention for me? I mean, it's about the lying, Cara.

The lying, yeah. Pretending to be a dentist for dead people, saying that if people run out of hospice, the state is legally required to kill them I mean, it's about the lying, Cara. The lying, yeah. Pretending to be a dentist for dead people. Saying that if people run out of hospice, the state is legally required to kill them with a cow gun. That's crazy, yeah. Okay, that's you guys. You guys said those things.

I got the hate on the internet, but we're not here to play. We're not here to play. We're here to tell you about masterclass. What's masterclass? With masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to cook with Gordon Ramsay. You can improve your chest skills by watching Gary Kasparov, or you can learn magic from Penn and Teller, with over a hundred classes from a range of world-class instructors that think you've always wanted to do is closer than you think.

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Go to masterclass.com slash awful. That's masterclass.com slash awful for 15% off masterclass. As is the other side of the sign from the hospital down the street. Yeah, yeah, they weren't using it. It says under construction. Yeah, everybody could see that it was under construction because of the walls and stuff, Karen. It's the waste of a sign, so we took it.

Exactly, yes. Okay. Karen thinks you run out of hospice. He is so much. And we're back. And the movie opens on somebody playing with a toy boat in the bathtub. And there's nowhere near enough CGI to hide that fact. This is supposed to be Noah's Ark during the flood.

Could they not afford actual water? I feel like actual water is relatively cheap to get. No. It's a really long intro with a lot of credits. And it's hard for me to believe that that many people worked on this movie. Yeah. I almost went with best worst credits because we learned that the music for this movie was made by ghost. All capital letters, by the way. Yep. All capital letters ghosts. I wrote in my notes. I feel like he wasn't a ghost before he saw what you used his made by Ghost. All capital letters, by the way. Yep, all capital letters, Ghost. I wrote in my notes. I feel like he wasn't a ghost

before he saw what you used his music for, but it might just be me. Pretty sure Ghost also worked for Gitmo doing torture music at some point. Oh, for sure. And because that's what happens next with the soundtrack. Yeah. So what was that?

There's this like awful high pitch. It's like my dog started barking. Yeah. What was going on? I wrote music note TikTok sound that's supposed to blow my mind. And then my favorite, my favorite is that the movie both starts and ends with this weird power point scroll that just says no one's sharp on it. And then and then my favorite the sound effect of growling. Mm hmm. Two sharks growl.

They're pretty sure sharks growl. That is far from the worst marine biology in the movie. Yeah, so at some point every bad filmmaker learns that the jaws sound was the noise of a lion's roar backwards, but they don't know how to do that. So they're always just like grab bear sound dot whav and toss it into their moving. And then play it backwards, I guess. Yep. All right.

So we get the credits there. And then we cut to a home video of a priest who's about to do an exorcism on a girl named Amy Kenderman, who's been, quote, struggling with possession since she was 14 years old. I love it. Struggling with possession. Where's that episode of addiction, right? It's like somebody got the memo, like someone's cousin or sister was a psychologist, and they were like,

oh no, you struggle with depression. You're not oppressed, but like this. or sister was a psychologist and they were like, oh no, you struggle with depression. You're not impressed person. Like this. Oh, okay. So you're not a possessed person. Just struggling. He also tells us, I want to say this movie, pretty religious, right?

Like I was going to watch this no matter what. I was like, no, it's sharp. We're covered. But like, this movie does go out of its way to be like, no, the signs of possession are rebellious behavior and swearing. And, oh, and having hair in front of your face. Yes.

Also, by the way, Amy Kinderman, good thing we know her full name because she literally, do we, does she ever come back into this movie? No, no, she just not. What was the point of the scene? Yeah. Well, I guess we'll get to it. But I also, are we going to What was the point of the scene? Yeah, well, I guess we'll get to it. But I also, we need to get to the point of the scene. Yeah, we are.

We are and it makes me so happy. But before we get to that, I just want to touch on one line in this. He goes, if God, he or she, wants us to blah, blah, blah. But I feel like if you believe in God enough for exorcism, you probably aren't open to God being a she. Oh, for sure.

I think the Venn diagram of people who are open to God's gender identity and exorcist is too separate circle. For sure. This movie is so confusing with some of the characters because I'm like, is it trying to be progressive? Was it? Maybe? Who are these people? Very confusing. Like, there's a handful of things, yeah, where I was like,

oh, okay, I'm into it, no, not into it. No, I'm into it. Okay, so now I guess according to Eli, we're gonna get the point of the scene now. You explain it when we get there. Yes. So Amy and her mom show up at this priest's house where he like does his exorcism on his home court.

And mom immediately is like, all right, so I have to fucking stay or do I just like take off like a shitty mom doing daycare drop off. Do I need to hang out or can I go play bingo? Because you know, if I catch it before three, it's two cuts for a dollar. Oh, and it's so odd because it's, yes, it's this priest's house. They're doing the whole stick of like, like the office, you know, like he's being filmed. And so there's like a weird, there's like a weird filter on the camera. That footage, yeah. And he keeps referencing the show.

Like this is a television show. Yes, this is his like Twitch channel or something like that. No, right, but he calls it the show. And then she's like, I don't want to be here because I think I'm going to get raped. But instead of like looking scared, she starts like talking dirty to him. Yep.

Like, is this soft core porn? It was so weird. Terrifying. It is a weird. Look, I'm not, I think that this actress went to the genre. She knew the bad. They were like, Oh, no, you're scared. And she was like, Yeah, no, I know. I'm scared. I'm scared. She's going on many vids. And they were like, No, you know what? We'll keep it. We'll keep the footage. But yeah, that's the point of the scene. The point is the like, Wackety Schmackety do dirty talk bit she does about being a bad little

girl are her. Listen, listen, listen to this. Are her accusing him of rape? And that will be the running joke for the rest of the movie. What? Yeah, for sure that he's a priest. So he like, diddles kids, but, but he does her doesn't actually do that according to the play. No, no, no. so no he swears in the scene he's like no no no this is the devil and he even says this is the devil's oldest trick

and I was like I'm sorry the devil's oldest trick it's to accuse priests of abusing kids okay you you can see how I'm confused by this, right? Crystal Clear, he looks at me. I'd love the movie to be more than Crystal Clear about this. Okay. Whatever. So the point is that she's accused him of sexual assault, but she's actually possessed by a demon or Satan. Yeah.

Like, actually is according to the movies. Well, yeah, because remember as she's leaving, she's like, I'm a demon. Yes. She'll go back in to be like, hey, just to clarify, I am a demon and you didn't, you didn't fuck me. And now that I realize we wrote into the movie a priest fucking a child, that that's, that would seem like that's real, but it's not, it's not a demon. And then I love that he like turns to the camera up and he's like did you hear that he doesn't say did you get that?

He says No, he does he goes did you get that and the the camera up goes get what like he's like fucking with this camera like he wasn't recording Right and he goes get what and I'm like, okay, so you couldn't even see it. Yep. Like I get the baby You didn't see it through the lens But like it was very loud and obvious that that girl just demon spoke to you guys. She starts doing a demon frog dance as soon as the camera turns on. She stops. Yeah.

And he's literally like, I don't know what you're talking about. I missed it. I missed it completely. There's just a tiny little insane moment here at the end of the scene, but I have to talk about it. He's like, Oh, you didn't get that. I can't believe it. And then he leans his head forward.

And for no reason that will ever be explained, the cameraman puts his hat on his head. But let me, let me say the cameraman puts the priest's hat onto the priest like he's dressing a toddler. And then he just walks out into the rain. I have to pee now. Okay, but the hat doesn't get. I find any takes the hat back off. It's very weird. It's very toddler. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes out into the rain and he hugs a pillar on the front door of his house and like looks for Lord.

Like he's a demon for Juliet. Okay. So that's established. That's a demon inside the girl. The priest is not guilty of what she accused him of. Right. That's a demon inside the girl. The priest is not guilty of what she accused him of. Right. That's what we're saying. Doesn't matter, though, because we never see the scene again. Never matters. And we never hear about this girl again.

It never affects the plot of the movie. Okay, from here, we cut to somebody doing a narration of the Old Testament story of Noah and the Ark. But then they add their own bullshit to the movie, which is the witch of Endor, and her book of the Bible. And they think that if they just throw in some like vows and these, we won't notice when it's like, and he begot Bohem, who begot G-hab, who begot G-v. So then like there was totally the witch. This is the Bible still. Hello today. I am the Bible. Okay. Is this part of the Bible? Can you explain this to me? Is this real?

Yeah, like the witch of Endor sounds like it's from Lord of the Ring. So the yes, the claim is that Noah had a kid named Zadkeel that got cut from the Bible. His name was in the book of the Witch of Endor, but that entire book got cut. And the Witch of Endor was just in Samuel for a second, and she almost got cut from Samuel because of Wizardry and Necromancy or something. So they put, yes, they're saying that God did edits, like God wrote stuff and they was like, no, this is this part's done. I can get rid of this.

Yeah, exactly. So the fun little pseudo science here, you know all the like lost books of the Bible, like the apocrypha? Right, exactly. So some of them are real. Some of them were big parts of the Bible for a really long time. The book of Endor is not that. So what is this? It shows up in the 1970s and it is a way for Wiccans to try to include Wicca and like the witch cult hypothesis into the Bible. So basically hippies in the 70s were like, you know, it would be fucking dope is if there was a book of the Bible written by a witch who was like contemporary to all

the Bible stuff that happened. And so one of them who, you know, like went to Catholic school for a second before she became a wickin was like, actually, there is a witch in the book of Saul. Saul goes and talks to a lady who has a familiar spirit. So they wrote this book. They took dictation from the witch of Endor while in a trans. They wrote this book and then just sort of like tried to pretend it was apocrypha. Okay. So so the woman who is sometimes referred to as the witch of Endor is a real character in the Bible, but she just shows up once in like one little utterance. Yes.

And she's not a witch in the Bible. She's just like, it's like their sauce walking through town. And he's like, ah, God, I got to get ahold of God. Does anyone know? And they're like, oh, yeah, next to the tailor, there's a lady with a familiar spirit, but don't go two doors down because that lady, she's a baker and she does not have a familiar spirit. And that's the clue. By the way, she's not like evil or bad.

Saul doesn't yell at her. She literally is just like, oh, you need to talk to God real quick. Come here. Carl the Pug of Pegacorn rises out of her body and is like, hey, who do you need to talk to God? Oh, yeah, no, for sure. He's mad at you for something or whatever it is. And so she's just like, she's just like an old school psychic.

Yeah. Yeah. She's just got a crystal ball. Okay. So all that happened the same way that like Christianity happened to be fair. Like the Wiccans did the same thing as the Christians, but like not as well in 1970. Right. But you know the rules. There's a cut off before another path to cut off.

Yeah. Exactly. So. But I should point out, unless we lend too much legitimacy to this, the whole Zaka Muka bike thing, I could find that nowhere. You're talking about Zad Keel. Oh, Zad Keel. Yeah. I could find that nowhere. Zad Keel is apparently the secret son of Noah that we don't know about, like the fourth son. But so this movie just made that

up is what you're saying. Yes. Okay, at least it appears to me. Okay, well, here's what they made up. We get the story of Zad Keel here. Zad Keel was just hanging out by a lake and Satan showed up. I think in the form of a talking shark, form of a talking shark, correct? Okay. Land shark. It was a land shark at this point. And Satan, the land shark was like, can I get a spot on your dad's arc when that flood happens? And Zad kills like, no, my dad already picked the two sharks for the spots. Is that what this is? Yes. He's exactly describing the plot of this movie. But did they take

fish on the boat? Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're eating it? I know, when they just swim alongside, you don't need fish on an arc. These are great questions. I'm pretty sure it specifically says they only took like the ones that breathe or something, like not fish.

Right, because if there's a flood, the fish are gonna be fine. Also, this whole time, the only thing I could focus on was the Noah character had like a mop glued to his face. Yeah. And that was supposed to be his beard. It was really rough. It was woven, yet a woven beard.

Yeah. And it was really intense. It's very silly. Okay. So Noah already picked the two sharks, but then a shark Satan is like, okay, that sucks. But I'll promise to make you, Zadad Keel have magical animal whispering powers of like a bunch of other really cool animals, Beastmaster. Yeah, he becomes a beast or he promised, he gets promised to be a beastmaster.

So he does sneak Satan shark on the arc, but then Noah finds out and hits his son's ad keel with a stick because he's mad about that. Yeah. Oh my God. Wait, this is all explained in this video. Yes. Yes. I'm shocked that I'm pretty sure I have this right.

So this was supposed to be taking place in the arc. Yes. Yes. They would just look like they were in somebody's garage. They were to be clear. I thought this was all just like weird exposition. They were actually trying to show us. Yeah.

Oh, well. A secret Bible story. I don't want to give this movie too much for you. Okay, wait, wait, before we move on to the rest of the story, do you guys think he keystered the shark onto the arc? What? Do you think he smuggled the shark onto the arc. He what? Do you think he smuggled the shark inside the arzac?

Up his butt. Oh, it was a big shark. I feel like the fin is going to be a problem. We don't know how big Zad kills. About the teeth. Also the teeth I suppose. Backwards. You do it backwards.

No, back what that would be so much worse. Forward. Oh no, because you got to get it back out. That's what I'm saying. Then it's like, it's like the police with the spikes for tires. You can go one way, but not the other. That's right.

Maybe he dressed it up like a sheep. Yeah, he probably just put a fucking mop beard on it and just walked it right in the car. He put a hat on it. He didn't do shit. We see what happens next. He didn't do shit. We see what happens next. He didn't do shit. He just, he has this conflict.

Noah and Zadkill argue here. Noah hits him with a stick, but the shark was just like standing there next to him the whole time. So he just like walked onto the arc and he was like, yeah, this is just my friend, Groucho Marx kind of looks like a shark. Like, I don't know. This just my friend, Groucho Marx kind of looks like a shark. Like, I don't know. This is my friend, Mark. Yeah.

But then does any eat that kills head? Yes. Why? Why not? Because he snuck a shark on. There was already two. What? There's only two slots for sharks.

This fucked up the whole seating chart. Yeah, but they don't explain what happens to the shark. They only explain what happens to that kill. So they threw the shark overboard. He does say that. Oh, so he just goes to his, his, you know, his homeland. Yeah. Okay. They seem very confused about what a shark is because they're like, yeah. And then the shark gets thrown over. No, the shark gets returned to the sea. And it's better for the shark. I really wanted there to be a scene where Noah's like, get off my boat!

Shit, you're a shark. You now just have more space to walk around. And none of this is in the Bible, to be clear, right? None of this is in the Bible or even the fake Bible, I found on like, which news dot backslash fun WordPress. Fake website. So this is where I'm very confused about like who made this movie because it's clearly ultra religious, yet it's fundamentally blasphemous at the same time.

Okay. Who's it for? Like, Wicken Christians? Who's it for is such a fascinating question, right? Because you name your movie Noah Shark. I'm like, okay, corny shark movie. I get it. A little bit of Bible sprinkled in,

but mostly it's just gonna be a shark movie, right? When I see shark in the title, I expect shark. Surprisingly little shark in this movie. But it's just lots of like long narrative of the priest reading the Bible in a monotone, but like as a fake Bible. Yeah. Right.

Fake Bible narrative. Right. So we actually cut to the priest again here. That whole thing was the priest. His name's Father Benna. And he's doing voice over work because I guess his exorcism Twitch channel company got shut down. It got foiled by a me too demon.

Yeah, of course. Correct. Yeah, it makes sense. So he's now working for a producer guy doing a voiceover. Yeah, his producer is also a priest, but not a good one. An ex priest. Oh, he's an ex priest. So he was like an evangelical money priest, but he stole from the church.

So now he produces biblical documentaries. Well, and this is the part I also don't get because this guy is kind of my favorite. He's great other than his teeth. Okay, thank you. It's really hard to look at. Okay, I want to talk about the teeth. I want to get it out there. Okay, this has been lingering between us.

I think he has the most realistic shark teeth of anybody in the movie. Definitely. They're far more than the shark. His teeth appear to be, have you ever seen like a cartoon of an old graveyard? That's what his teeth look like. Like someone's supposed to be unmasking a janitor inside his mouth. He was all man Jenkins all along. They change color between shots in a way that will really upset me. But also everything in this movie changes color between shots. Sometimes they're like a dark asparagus urine yellow You associate that with a color

Yeah, interesting. You don't know what asparagus urine looks like. Okay. You've got like a Sina-Sesia thing going His mouth smells like my urine looks Honestly, honestly great description of this actor. If he was lost on a beach and we were trying to find him and we needed to give a description. Yeah, no, he's he acts like aparagus pee. Absolutely. And so kind of coming back to these weird inconsistencies in the movie where this is a religious movie that's highly blasphemous.

This guy's whole shtick is that he's like, he's an ex-prize who is like skimming, as he called it, it's not illegal to skim off the top of the church funds. Yep. Like he just comes out and says it, okay. And the whole time, his entire role in this film is like to be the stuff you don't say out loud. He's like Clarence

Thomas' decision. Like he wrote the stuff you just think. Like that's who this actor is, right? He just says all the things that we know evangelical pastors are thinking, but aren't supposed to out loud. Yeah, I guess he's really just a plot device more than anything else though, because he has a former parishioner who ended up dying and willing him a bunch of information about where the arc might actually be in real life. Yes. Oh right.

So he just moves it along. He knows all the stuff, but he's like too stupid to really be wise about it. See, I guess that's not he was saying before the record, he didn't follow along with the plot of the book. But he's got it. He's got it. It's the classic story of someone's great grandfather who found Noah's Ark in the middle of Turkey, which is where it apparently landed. Yeah. And so they left their journal as well as a single board of the Ark to their granddaughter who then gave it to their evangelical mega-pastor

who got fired for skimming off the top and now he makes religious documentaries and he wants to follow the arc to see where it is. That's the movie, you're wearing that the font. It's a little old song. Yep. So this is when the the four year are you following it, Cara? I think so. I think so.

It's not dead people dentistry or hospice tolling out whatever it is you do for a living. Hospice executions. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm like, okay, so this is when the former televangelist who now is producing stuff explains to the priest that this old time he explored the great

grandfather of this woman who was part of his flock back in the day. This old guy found a plank from the arc and he took it back. And it also there was a witch map. The witch of Endor has a map to Mount Ararat and he got witch journal, which journal. The, and it's in the journal. Okay. And he's like, yeah, so I got, I got this journal, I got this piece of wood.

Let's go look at the piece of wood. And televangel's guy, his name is Buster Pretorius, by the way, just to, uh, Yeah, we learn that later because they call him Pretorius a bunch. And then at one point, they're like, I got you Busta. Yeah. Not a great pick. That's like, I think it's the most popular surname for white South Africans. Like it's just a weird pick for Tori's.

Poster, Pra Tori. Jesus. Okay. So they go to look at that guy's piece of wood from the ark and it's a plank from Home Depot. Like we're to believe that Noah did a really fucking great job of milling this plank. Just right. When nothing else, by the way, later when we get to the arc, nothing else looks like that. Nope. Nope. Nope. So he shows him the plank and he's like, yeah, I got all the info from the lady who died. It's got a journal of how to find the rest of the arc.

And then the priest is like, all right, let me, I'm going to do some science now. I'm going to check this plank to see if you're making this up. And he puts his hand over the plank. Oh, he full on heavy pets that thing. Yeah, it's very sexual. It's very sexual. Handsy, it's fingering. Is he just finger fucks the shit out of this board? Yeah, there's not holes. It gets, it gets very bad. It's graphic. Here's the thing. If you're going to try to make it look like you're not fingering a thing in a movie or television, you don't press the two first fingers together

and gently stroke. No, right. You don't make the shocker. Don't do the shocker. Exactly. Exactly. Care's fast to the me. OK.

First she takes our what is that she keeps to the shocker. We can feel ourselves being replaced. She doesn't even know she's on this podcast. So he does an extremely sexual pet of this plank. And he's like, I think I hear a flying shark eating a lumberjack. And we see him here see that in a vision. And he's like, yeah, this all checks out. This is a real plank from Nozark. Yeah. And can I just say this movie

missed an opportunity to do the rest of the movie about an evil plank of wood? That's amazing. They kind of did that by accident for a while, but they don't focus on it enough. You're right. They should have, they should have leaned into that. But you know what I really, what I did not like about this scene that he uses the same microphone to record his V.O. that I am using right now. Yeah. He does. He has an R.E.20. He does.

It made me really uncomfortable. Yeah. He doesn't have a pop filter or a wind filter or anything on it. He does not. I have my pop filter on it. How did you know? Probably because I sent you that picture that one time when you made me laugh and I spit coffee all over everything in my studio. That's right. I feel like I can still kind of see old remnants. Anyway. So, yeah, the

priest decides, yeah, okay, this is definitely possessed wood. I'm going to go get my official lab instruments to deal with that. And he comes back with a cross. That's his special tool. He's like, I need further research. And then just comes back with a cross. And that is it. Yeah. And the cross says Jerusalem and black sharpie in the middle of it. It does. Do we know why? Made in Jerusalem. It's weird. So it's official. It's a Jewish cross. I think it's a weird pick.

Yeah. So he's using his Jerusalem cross to exercise the shark demon out of the plank of wood. I think that's exactly what you're doing. You expect that? Yeah. And then and then CG fire breaks out. At what point does something lose the title of CG? Right? Like if they had held up red construction paper over this piece of wood and yelled crackle crackle, it would have been

more believable. Oh, for sure. Cause it's this terrible CG fire when you're looking at the forward shot, like the shot basically over the shoulder of him exercising the wood. But then when you look at the reverse shot of his face while he's like saying the words, it's like they're just switching on and off different colored flash. And just like wads of orange clay, like Wallace and Gromit show up, it's weird. Someone's clearly like vaping a jewel on the floor up at him, but it's just the one vaping. It's so bad. Is it illegal now?

We are. And also, he's blissfully unaware that any of this is happening because he's really close to that fire, like real close. Yeah, but the fire ends and then, okay, I wanna say what happens and then I can say what I think the movie is going for. I have a theory about this one.

Okay, go ahead. Okay, okay. So the fire ends, he looks at a mouse, he stomps the mouse to death. Sure does, right away. Oh, there's so much more than that. We've got unpacked what's going on here. Okay, the fire ends.

They cut to a found footage shot of a mouse in an alleyway. We see five of going west. Yeah. You're completely different color temperature. It's clearly nothing that they shot themselves. I was super confused. I was like, why are we outside in an alley now? But then they cut back to him and then you kind of

were putting together, oh, he's supposed to be looking down at a mouse. And then yeah, he just steps on it. Who steps on a mouse? Yeah, well, the pastor guy. That's who the fuck does. Yeah, Burgess Meredith, whatever the fuck he called himself,

is like, hey, dude, why'd you step on the mouse? And he's like, no, no, no, let me explain. Do you remember the story in the Bible where Jesus asked the guy if he's full of demons and he says, we're Legion and everyone gets that wrong and thinks it's a name. Oh, yeah, they do the Legion thing a lot. Yeah.

What is the Legion thing? Explain this to me. So he's saying that the demon that was in the wood jumped into the mouse and he had to kill it like a zeal in fallen. Yes. No, I get that part, but who's Legion? What does the Legion have to do with that?

Legion is the name that the guy gives to Jesus. He's like, my name is Legion for we are many. So the trick is no, his name isn't Legion. He's kind of alluding to the fact that there's, you know, just a bunch of us, we're all over the place. Chaka block full of demons. Right, but who are they? Chaka block of devils?

Yeah, it's a bunch of flying demons that can go like a handful of qubits after they die into something else, including mice. Yeah, okay, because later on, there's a bunch of people that say we are legion, but they don't become mice. Great question. Yeah, they just forgot about this. Yeah, they're just like, we are legion. And I was like, is this a comic book reference?

I'm so confused. I thought at this point, he was going to try to like stomp out Buster Pretorius too and just like, I'm sorry. He kills the mouse he turns to Buster. I'm sorry, man, you're the only one here. Pretty sure you're a Legion. Yeah.

Okay, all right. Think I know what's going on. Right, so the mouse is dead, the demon, one of the legions is dead. And they both decide like, yeah, okay, we've got all the information we need. Let's go find that arc on Mount Ararat. Yeah, this is just, this is the next logical. Obviously. Once you've killed the mouse that the demon from the fire board board of wood jumped into, you're ready to go find the arc of the

covenant. Then you go find the arc. No, the arc, those are the old story. Yep. I love. Like, who writes the chapter? So you guys know that we all work from a document together where we know where we are in the movie at any given time. Who writes the chapter? That would be me. Like, here, this ominous heartbeat and the hottest chick they know lying with some apples. I believe that's Eli's just his description of visually what we see when they come

here. What happens in the next scene? And did I nail it? No, you did. And the thing's exactly what this is my best worst. And yes, you nailed it. Yeah. This is the sexy apple. We cut to the witch of Endor doing an ad for like Calvin Klein apples. Yeah. Granny Smith by class. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, how much did they offer the girl they knew who worked at Hot Topic to be in their movie? Yes. Whatever it was, it wasn't enough. It was not enough. And of course, I wrote, you can't just cut in a bunch of scenes of a woman and a cloak and a CGI shark and expect any of this to mean anything. Like they cut to the same shot of the hot topic girl 40 times in this movie. So many times that's why we must it must be found footage.

It has to be because it's the same shot. I feel like she showed up and they were the worst. They got one shot of her and she was like, you guys fucking suck. And they just used the five seconds they got of her before she quit. Yeah. Over and over. But it has to be it. Yeah.

So we see her doing the Apple's Calvin Klein thing. And then she does some kind of spell on Eli. You're saying this is a different woman, the little red riding hood person. See now this, here's my theory. My theory is they showed up, she laid down on some apples. They were like, if you think about it, Bill Cosby never got a fair trial. She was like, go fuck yourself. They found a different redhead at that mall who like worked at Annie's pretzels.

She was like, their second choice. And they were like, will you do the other shots of the Witch of Endor? And she was like, well, my mom's picking me up at five. And they were like, it's fine. We'll do it out in the parking lot where we're shooting the rest of this movie. So I think those two women, different humans that they may be are both supposed to be the Witch of Endor. Wait, but there are three to be fair. There's the lady lying on the ground with the apples.

There's the girl walking around in the hood. Yes, right. I think they're the same person. No, I do not think so. And then there's the like woman who's probably about 10 years older than them and like really intensity. Who has the horns?

Yeah. And he's going for like a Maleficent thing. Mm-hmm. In fairness, it literally doesn't matter if it's one, two or three different people. That the plot. But they're all playing the same role as what you're saying. I believe so. Yeah. They are legion. They are legion. That's all you got to say. Yeah. They are legion girl that the director knows. So then we get another flashback to the grandpa who was, you know, checking out the arc and

brought back that plank. And he's writing in his journal and we also see his very large modern silly machete sword that like, yes, asshole who made this movie buys way too many of these swords at three in the morning on TV. That's what's so proud. No question he turned to the rest of the cast and he was like, you're not gonna believe this, but there were only a hundred of these made. And I got the last one.

So please be careful with this. And then he sees the girl in the hood. And so he starts wandering after her to try and I guess catch her or understand who she is. Yes. It's so creepy. He's writing in his diary and he's like her or understand who she is. Yes. Okay. It's so creepy. Yeah. He's writing in his diary and he's like, dear diary, just one more thing.

I think a lady demon's walking by. I'm going to go follow her. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to check her out see what she's up to. And he whistles at her and he's like, my siren, my muse. So now we're watching is what's supposed to be like one of the protagonists. Like a good guy in the movie is stalking some lady.

That's all he knows. Biblical street harassment. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. But I guess there's a little bit of a good ending to this particular scene anyway. Right after that, we cut and then this grandpa guy wakes up inside Noah's Ark. So he got abducted by this witch, right? Yeah. So this witch is in charge of like by this witch, right? Yeah. So this witch is in charge of like the arc museum in 1920 that's hidden on Mount Ararat. And then he's like, okay, this is a weird thing. I'm going to go ahead and grab a piece of wood from the arc so I can prove this later.

And he starts prying the plank that we saw before with his stupid QVC knife. I know boats have lots of extra boards. You can just pry free without creating a problem for the structure. Also, I want to talk about this arc set because there's a lot of bad sets in this movie. 99% of the sets are just like the park near whoever's house made this film.

But I would say the arc is where they met their greatest challenge. It's very clearly a barn filled with like modern chains and modern screws and nails. They cannot escape the 21st century in this barn. They're having a tough time with it. But yeah, it's so limited in what they can show of it. They pretty much only ever have like one exact shot. And if someone like takes two steps either direction, they are no longer in the fucking they pretty much only ever have like one exact shot. And if someone like takes two steps either direction,

they are no longer in the fucking arc. Yeah. There's like a Tesla in there for a second by accident. Yeah. It's a server farm. Yeah. So the point is he takes this piece of wood. And I guess we're to believe that this witch abducted him

and then just let him take a piece of wood from her boat and leave. Yeah. Oh yeah, she witch abducted him and then just let him take a piece of wood from her boat and leave. Yeah. Oh yeah, she like abducted him, put him on the ark and then went away. And was like, yeah, do your thing. You wanna get a souvenir gift shops that way, but yeah, you can take a plank, sure, go ahead.

And then he's like, he's like aware for some reason after he takes the plank. He literally says these words, the road ahead would be fraught with evil. Like how does he know that? Well, yes, great question. He leaves, he, thank you. Yes, he leaves the arc.

And then we see him journaling some more. Yeah, exactly. He says what Caragas said. And then he says, I didn't know that death would be so close. You can't write that in a journal, temporarily, that's impossible. I know you did. Little did I know he was standing right,

but I did. Well, speaking of which, something was standing right next to him. It's the land pond shark and he gets attacked. Okay, we have to talk about pond shark, right? Cause look, I get it, you're making a shark movie, you need some water. Okay, we have to talk about pond shark, right? Cause look, I get it. You're making a shark movie. You need some water.

You need some water. They find the fucking shallow with hard doll. Yes. In this state, it stinks. Right. You can see someone telling their kid not to play in it in the background. Yes. And this is where this evil to play in it in the background. Yes. And this is where this evil demon shark will be throughout the movie.

Yes. And I love when they show the shark attacks. I mean, they're just so good, you guys. Like, it's a paper mache, dorsal fin. It's truly me. I do puppets for my son. My son loves when I do puppets. Uh-huh. It's the same level of commitment. Like, Rararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar CGI shark and you're like, where, where did he just go? Definitely the freest shark they could find on the internet. It's the only one they could find that wasn't watermarked. I was going to say if there had been a watermark on this shark,

I would have been zero percent surprised. But I guess the shark gave him a chop so he, he runs to his Jan Spart backpack. Pulse out of hatchet and cuts the rest of his armor. I was so confused by this scene because I blinked and I missed it. Why would you do this? But then they go back to it later. So we've all seen 127 hours, right?

Whatever that movie was. Of course. You can't just cut off your own arm. That's not a thing. If you had to do it, it would be really hard. You'd probably bleed to death and die. But regardless, my favorite part is that they show him walking. And his sleeve is somehow stapled up. So now he's like a Vietnam vet. He just cut off his own arm, but now he's walking around. He's been to the doctor and he has a clean

amputation. And it's like below the shoulder, yet later it's at the wrist. Yep. They can't decide where he amputated his arm. And it goes back and forth, like a cigarette in a bad scene. Maybe he chopped it off too low at first. And then he was like, I got to take a little bit more. No, you know what? Now I took too much. I'm going to tie this back on. It's like when you cut your one fingernail too short and then you try and even them out. You know, that's like the worst day. You're just under for no fingers. That's the worst day of my life.

But again, like we often say, like, oh, I don't watch this movie. It's racist, it's bad. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, no, no, no, absolutely watch this movie. And you should watch this movie just for the very clear arm that is in his shirt. I've never seen a worse arm being gone. watch this movie just for the very clear arm that is in his shirt. I've never seen a worse arm being gone. And I've been a seven year old playing pirates.

He might as well be walking away like, I have an arm. No, I don't. I don't. I am missing an arm. It's tucked in. It's so bad. The whole point is he's chopped his arm off now. And he's like, all right, I got to bring back this plank because that's incontrovertible evidence of Christianity. Before I die, I got to get this back to the United States so that people can be Christian. What even was that? If I bring back wood, people will believe me. No, they won't. It would.

Yep. What? I'm pretty sure that's the plot that but that's what the movie is saying. Yep. I think you're right. So, it looks like a demon ran a very complex plot to set up an evil Jewish pawn shark to eventually attack some guy like 6,000 years later and then demon profit or something. So we're going to take another quick break to give all that some thought and then demon profit or something. So we're gonna take another quick break

to give all that some thought. And then we'll be back to see how it goes in act two. Uh, Noah's shark. And I think Nicola and Marsh wanna go to the mama. So we'll probably take, I think it's pronounced mama. No, cause it's like the mama, the mother of all museums. No, that's why mama means nope. Where is he? You. Whoa, all museums. No, that's why. No, mama means nope.

Where is he? You. Whoa, Gara, hey, what's up? Eli tweeted a bunch of mean stuff at me. Eli, you did? Why? Yeah, I did. It's because of my backbone.

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Oh, I see. Okay, well, I'm going to break your backbone then. No, it's so cool. No, I'm at your spine. Oh, that one's less cool. So sure. Oh, that one's less cool, so... sure. T-'re not supposed to be there. It's just the two sharks. So you'll be a... So trespassing? The plan is trespassing? No, no, no, let me finish. Because then Noah will find you and you'll eat the kid. So it's... Also murder?

Right. Right, okay, that's also murder. Just quick thing, you know, my asking, what's the longer game plan here? I mean, if you must know, it's so that the Witch of Endor can use this story to lead Ben to his tomb. And this has nothing to do with the fact that you two just started dating. What? No!

No! Yeah, it's totally because they just started dating. Yeah, completely. You guys want to come watch your band play on Thursday? Absolutely not. Super, super, no. And we're back. When we left off, some Christian ladies grandpa chopped off his arm for no reason. Meanwhile, Buster Pretorius is walking out of his film production

studio. And he's on the phone with, I believe his bookie about the money that he owes the bookie. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. I don't think bookies call you Buster when they threaten your life to the name. Right, but his name is Buster. We didn't know that yet. Oh, yeah, his first name is Buster. Okay, in fairness though, the bookie sounds like a cartoon animal who's kind of dumb who might be like, you know, me money Buster like. Yeah, I wrote how is the disembodied telephone call voice so bad at act? Really? I really love that. That hard.

Yeah. So whatever this doesn't matter the plot either. At this point, what's very important to the plot is a guy in a very large red onesie with a cross drawn in black magic marker on the chest. And he also has a black mask, like masquerade ball mask, kind of hockey mask thing. He has a jug of gasoline. And he holds it up to like show the audience of the movie that it's gasoline. I'll add Jim from the office.

Yes. And he starts dousing. We're supposed to see that he's dousing the outside of this studio with gasoline and lighting on fire, but he's dousing the glass door. Yeah. And we see it. Just run down to the floor. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. I don't know how to break it to fire mask crucifix jumpsuit,

but no matter how much gas you splash on a glass window, it still won't catch fire. It's not where you want to start is with glass. So yeah, this guy who looks like, he looks like a henchman for Santa Claus. Like if Santa Claus had like ninja bad guy henchmen, that's what we're looking at. But it does have that like kind of Jasony like vibe where the mask is like too small for his face. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's like a little kid mask.

It's amazing because right after the guy is catching the glass on fire supposedly, for whatever reason, I don't know why they needed to make Buster be on the phone twice. Like that was confusing. Like before the fire guy shows up, he's on the phone with his bookie, but after he's on the phone with a Tinder date.

Yeah. Okay, but here's the thing. This phone call, he's supposed to be distracted and then he goes, oh man, my thing is on fire, except the person who made this movie, made his grandmother do the woman's voice for his call. Oh my God, I wrote the same thing. The woman on the phone has to be 90 years old. except the person who made this movie made his grandmother do the woman's voice for this call. Oh my God, I want the same thing. The woman on the phone has to be 90 years old.

She had the weirdest old lady voice and he's like, you sound sexy and she's like, what's that? What's that, honey? Eh? Where my teeth do come out? Winged. The weirdest. Like, she has the weirdest voice.

I think it was Amy's mom from that first scene. No question. It's a very older lady and she is very uncomfortable, right? Cause this is supposed to be like older, lecturist priest tries to trick young girl into doing a reading in his apartment, but she's like, oh yeah, I mean, you put a word there's up here. Yes, I'll get it out if you don't what I'm saying.

With my tongue. The inside of Eli's brain. Must be just a wild way. Right. So whatever this Santa Claus henchman lights the studio on fire. And then we cut back to father Benna in the hotel room. And he's reading more of the journal. And then he starts praying before bed. And then he has a shark nightmare shark nightmare shark vision. Yep.

And he wakes up and the Santa Claus henchman is in the room. And he acts completely natural. The priest is like, Hey, Santa Claus henchman, you just watching me sleep. He's weirdly unafraid of him. He's like, what's up, dude? Yeah. Hey, are you breathing super hard? The way Eli does every time he has to wear a mask in public? No. I'm very scary.

You know, you have two sets of stairs leading up to your orbit. Do you have any water I could drink through this mask? And so he calls it the visitation, right? Yeah. Like he, I'm the visitation or something like that. Does he talk? I don't remember. But somehow we know that he is a visitation, whatever that means. He is a visitation. And he's there to tell the priest to stay away from Buster Paterius. He explains that we are Z is his like cult of Santa Claus dressed people and they protect the cursed Noah's Ark. That's their thing He's you have so much

Understanding of the I'm so pray you know so often when we do these things he's just like oh, what's this? What's that? You're on it this week, man You're I don't know which one of us went on vacation because you're on the top of your game, Eve. I love this movie if I'm being honest. Yeah. So we learn that the arc is cursed because of Noah's son, whose name is lost to history. We learned before his name was Zadkeel.

And the priest is like, yeah, no, I know about Zad Keel too, obvi. And then we get a little more of the story from the henchman guy. He's like, yeah, so Zad Keel impregnated a harlot and left her to die in the flood, but a demon named a Braxis put her on a mountain. She gave birth right after the flood was over. We hide his grave from the world. That's our purpose. Wait, wait, wait, wait, okay, hang on. There's a lot to unpack here. So the harlot who was left to die in the flood, but hooked it up with demon, a braxis on the mountain and gave birth to him. He sounds like a heroic demon. Yep. Yeah, I know. He sounds like a good guy.

Did she give birth to Zadkill? What is the point of that plot? Great question. The answer is no. It's okay. How that connects to the movie is something I spent a tremendous amount of my notes and life worrying about. Did you figure it out?

No. Okay, so I think the point of this, this is all I got from it, was just casual sexism because he refers to this woman as a harlot. And earlier when he's talking about all this lore, he literally says, and then there was sin. And they just show a picture of the woman. Like, you's just a woman. Yeah, like the only female characters up to this point in the movie are Harlitz, Witches, and Sin. Yep.

Right. I think that's the whole point. Everybody else is a man, man. Yeah, yeah. So they're hiding this like fact of reality and the priest kind of latches onto that. He's like, wait, so your cult is doing that. You're helping lie to the world about God's real plan.

And then the guy from the cult explains, no, no, no, well, it's Satan's plan is behind the whole thing. We're kind of hiding Satan's plan. And then for no reason, we just see a vision of a shark jump in the deep shark. As though the movie was like, oh, guys, we named it shark. We got to put in. Yeah. I want.

I wanted the priest to stop me like, Hey, did you just say shark jump out of nowhere in your story? The Blash shark. The Blash. Oh, you're saying splash. Okay. Okay. Okay. Beaten a picture for you.

And then out of nowhere, Buster Pretorius shows up and smashes the cult guy on the head with a frying pan. Oh, cartoon style. Where did he get a fucking frying pan? Great question. From the hotel kitchen, clearly. Yes. From the hotel kitchen, we. Yes. From the hotel kitchen, we are led to believe that the priest borrowed a frying pan from the hotel kitchen to make

bacon. Oh, because he references that. He's like, did you make bacon in here? Yeah. He sniffs it. Man, I could smash some bacon right now. What? Yeah, exact words. And I was like, yeah, same actually. I'm thinking I know, dude. Look at us, the smash bacon. I get a little bit of bacon in real life at this moment. And then they're like, okay, well, we knocked out the cult guy. Let's pull off the mask and see who he is.

Oh my god, I love this. They try to pull off the mask. And they're like, it doesn't come off. I think that's his real face. Clearly, it's a plastic. It's like earlier when we were describing the mask, we weren't even as clear as we needed to be. Because it's not like a hockey mask.

It's like one of those flimsy plastic Halloween masks that cost like $2.99. Yeah. So he's wearing a plastic mask on his face. You can see the string. You can see his face underneath the mask. And he's like, I can't get it. This must be his face. Yeah. Okay. The nice version of this costs $2.99. This is from a dollar general and was maximum $0.99 for a dollar. Now, this was turned down at a buyer's meeting for the dollar general. Right.

And we can see again, we can see the rubber band that goes around the side of the, so again, the movie is saying that a rubber band is holding this guy's face onto his face. And there's more face under the face. And there's a lot of face under the face. Yeah. So they're like, all right, we gotta get rid of the body. And then they carry the Santa henchmen to their shitty car and throw them in the trunk.

Oh yeah, what is the point of that scene? Because that, we never come back to that, do we? Well, they, no, we don't, we don't ever go back to this hotel or anything. They drive out into the woods to, I guess dispose of the body. Yeah. And they start talking in the car and Buster Pretorius is like, Hey, man, that guy tried to kill you. So we're dumping the body. You're okay with this, right? And the priest is

like, wait, did he try to kill me? And Buster's like, yeah, this is the machete that he had. You did. Oh, yeah. Yes, he did. machete, he dropped it. And like the movie characters argue with each other about the plot for like a minute about what happened in the movie for a second. Really weird. So so insane. So it's decided that yes, what we saw in the movie did happen.

They both finally agree. And they, uh, they, they park and they go back to the trunk and I guess they can dump in the woods. But enormous Santa Angeman jumps out at impossible speed and runs away. And can I just say, look, I'm a bigger guy, a bigger person. And there are lots of things that you lose when you reach a certain size, right? Putting on shoes without strain. And one of the things that you lose is the ability to pop scare. Because he very clearly is like, and then he runs away, but he's like, he stops way too early and very clearly looks back at the camera like, is that enough

for, oh shit, they're starting. Come on, you guys aren't done filming it. They use a cut whenever you want. And meanwhile, the priest in his like pork pie hat is like, has taken like 10 Xanax because he's just standing there like that was weird. Like he has no reaction to the guy who just tried to kill him with the giant machete jumping out of the trunk and running away. He's like, oh, all right, just close the trunk, get back in. It's very strange. Because that problem solves itself. I guess we go to Mount Ararat now. Yeah, normal day. Yeah, like what what was that scene?

Great question. No idea. Well, it's not quite over though, because they're like, all right, that was weird. Whatever. Let's go. We're going to go to an error at. But then the Santa guy came back. I go, yeah.

He ran away. He ran away. Here's the thing. There's nowhere for him to go. He doesn't disappear. He just runs a couple feet away in the snow. They get in the car and he's like, I'm, I'm still here, you guys. And he tries, he tries a curse here like a magic curse. He's like, all right, I'm going to curse you then.

And then he has to cut his arm to like put blood on the car as part of the curse. Yeah. What was that? It takes him way too long. and they're like, all right, we're running this guy over. So they run him over. But the editing is amazing. It's just not there. But I don't, I think, I think he can phase through stuff like cars. Is that unclear? The physics here?

I couldn't tell if it was that he can phase through cars or the editing was bad. That's just bad editing. Basically, you've got these big, huge guys standing in front of the car, and then they want us to think they ran them over. So they just cut to the car running nothing over. Just just driving with the sound effect of a guy going like, thump, thump, thump, human being in my car. Thump, thump. Okay, well, they didn't kill the cult guy, but they left that scene.

And now we cut back to, I think, Buster's house and they're figuring out how the Santa cult fits into their plan. Yeah. Why are they going back to somebody's house at this point? They've, well, they thought they murdered a guy. Why was the priest in a hotel and not at his own house if we're just back in town? Great questions.

I think he's not welcome at his house because his spouse was like, you're the worst. He's just at a hotel. I saw how you were talking to that girl from Hot Topping. You stayed on for the weekend. But I'm sort of loving Buster in this scene because he doesn't give a fuck. Like he's basically just hanging and the priest is like,

okay, we gotta talk about this. And Buster says, I need no Bible lessons. And I'm like, I too need no Bible lessons. I'm with you on this. Okay. And this is when the two of them, for the very first time, kind of asked the question, okay,

what if the cult is more than one person? Are there one person cults? Did they think it might be one until now? I think that's just called a psychotic break if you're a one man cult. I got okay, whatever they maybe kind of assumed it was a one person cult, but then they were like, wait, this might hinder our progress in Turkey. Buster is like, don't worry about it. I know a guy.

So a murder guy is what he's describing, right? Yeah, he knows an arms dealer. Right, well, yeah, actually we cut to him being like, okay, here's the guy who's talking about, they're at a shooting range where his friend is an arms dealer slash former military person but kind of like a mercenary with like black water. Yeah, that type of thing. They're trying to say, okay, so she, by the way, yeah, Gina, Gina, known as Jed, but Gina, yeah.

Like the work, probably the worst actress I've ever seen on God awful look. Yeah. Because she has this weird way that she holds her mouth where it looks like she's trying not to laugh in every scene. Like she has this permanent smile on her face and she's wearing these enormous sun glasses like these aviators. I think to try and hide the fact that she's trying not to laugh and she wears them at night. She wears them indoors. She wears them while she's shooting guns and she's horrible. Yeah. Yeah. Buster walks in, he's like, Hey, what's up?

You're back from Afghanistan. Cool. Ah, I heard the war crimes didn't go well. That didn't work out for you. So to be clear, they're now getting help from a war criminal. Yep. Sure. Yeah.

And the priest is like, Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. My, my, my whole Catholic church, we did a lot of work Yup, sure. Yeah. And the priest is like, yeah, that's cool. That's cool. My, uh, my whole Catholic church, we did a lot of work, criminal stuff. I was going to say to, in Buster's eyes, his dream team now consists of a child molester and a war criminal. Yeah. Of course. Also, I want to talk about what, Jed, is it Jed? Yeah. Yeah. Jed was Jed. Yeah, because they will, I think this was supposed to be two characters at one point in the script

because that actually makes a lot of sense. Why, at one point they will refer to her with male pronouns. At another point, she's an ex-girlfriend. And yet another point, she will try to have sex with them. Oh yeah, that's a weird scene. Oh, this is the assistant manager from Hot Topic who also quit. And they were like, yeah, fuck, Jett is Gina now. We'll write it together. Yikes. Yeah. So whatever, they get the war criminal on board. She's going to be their military person helper.

And they had to mount our rat. Yeah, cut to now they're in Mount Erich. Literally cut to literally nothing in between. Nope. And because that's in the country of Turkey, Turkey, it's an active war zone. So there's just gunfire everywhere as they walk up, quote, Mount Erich. Well, when we say gunfire, it's the sound effects of a toy gun from 1992. Yes. G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G- It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Like she's trying so hard not to laugh in every scene she's in and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Have you ever seen someone who gets onto the news to talk about a fire they saw? That's her acting. It's like, yeah, I know it's over there. Yeah, like, she's like so bashful. Like at one point, she's like hiding behind the shoulder of Pretoria's like reading her lines behind his shoulder. It's so hard to watch. It's rough. So they're going up the mountain. We watch her shoot a snake with her oozy.

Yep. Which seems excessive. But that's the only gun they had as a prop. So that's what happens. And we watched them eat a snake. And just in case it wasn't boring enough, Ritorious is like, we should all take like a nap now. Let's take a guess. I did happen that. From our movie heroes take a nap from the movie. They might as well say, gee, this movie has been tiring. That does happen. God. I feel like they actually wrote more of the movie now.

Like one of them was like, I'm going to stay awake and write the movie and the rest of them took a real nap because that's all that happens. I'll take it up. I literally take it up. I really watch them take it up. I really watch them take it. Now is always my favorite part of a movie. I love it. And the nap theme. So the nap and then Jed Gina who got written together to one of them. That's absolutely what happened to you like for sure has to be.

Yep. She wakes up, Buster Pretorius, because apparently they used to have a thing going on. And she's like, let's go fuck behind this tree. I want to rekindle this. It's very odd. I thought this was very queer affirming because up until this point, they had only used he-him pronouns for her. So I was like, good for you, movie. Get progressive. No, that was just a straight up mistake. No, they switched her over to a movie. Yeah. And so, she's the one who sort of comes on to him, right? And she's like, don't you wanna do this? And he's like, well, yeah, but spike pit

and like points to a spike pit under the tree. What's happening? Okay, Cara. See, this is a typical woman. Typical woman. Oh, the minute you wanna do it, we just have to ignore the fact that we're standing next to an

aforementioned unmentioned spike He's like, oh, you want to fucking a spike pit? Like, yeah, that's interesting. And then she's like, no, no, you've you've ruined it now I don't want to fucking the spike pit. Yeah, so they cut and that's the end of the scene. They're just making up the script as they go along. It's just like scavenger hunt. They're like, just work with what's in the environment. Guys will pick it up. I was furious at this moment. The movie set up a spike pit sex scene between a televangelist and a literal war criminal. And then they fucking canceled it. They just, yeah.

So yeah, we're gonna need to take quick break to check some tabs on porn hub VR because I think they probably have something like that. But first, let me give back three, the hards. Where are there acts in this? Arbitrary. Arbitrary. The movie, here's the hard sell.

It works. We'll, three people from America find a 510 foot boat that's somehow eluded Turkish authorities for millennia. Will we get more wood based magic? Will the movie run out of plot and just literally recycle itself to hit that 71 minute sweet spot? Yes. By the answer to these questions and more, it's yes to all those who return for the Ibitful conclusion of Noah's Shark. Oh no, Michael, I feel another prophecy coming on.

Oh, what is it, Sarah? The dark one rises. Only the two stags may stand in his past. Wow. That sounds serious. Sorry, what does that mean? I don't know, the spirit speak through me. Right, yeah, no, but like, do they have to speak in a weird riddle thing

to speak through you? I don't know. Dude, you're kind of ruining this. How am I ruining this? The spirits entered a human body to deliver a message of universal importance, and they have to talk like a twilight fanfic.

Just ask them again to talk normal. I can't just ask them again. Seriously, you can't. Again, yes, just spirits, universal importance. Just ask at least. Fine, fine. Kill Jerry on Friday the 11th at noon. See, by that I understood.

Yeah, okay. I mean, it feels a little anti-climactic now. Yeah, thank you. You guys want to go kill Jerry? Yeah, I mean, let's go kill Jerry. I mean, I guess so. Yeah, we'll definitely kill Jerry. What we got to do.

Dude, it's gonna break. Do we have another belt? Hey, guys, whatcha doing? Oh, hey, Karen, we were just pushing down our feelings. Yeah, but it is getting hard. Let me tell you. I bet. Why don't you guys try therapy?

Oh, Karen, this is like work stress and world stuff. If you don't talk to a therapy about that kind of thing, do you? Yes, you do. Therapists are there to help you deal with the stress and pressures of everyday life, not just mental illness. And an easy way to do that is with better help. Oh, what's better help? Better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions

with your therapist, so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's affordable, financial aid is available, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Plus, God awful movies listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash awful. All right, Cara, thanks. But hey, while I'm here, do you have room in that case for Roby Wade?

Nah, now Lucinda's got a warehouse, though. She's doing very reasonable rates. Yeah, no. Lucinda's got a warehouse though. She's doing very reasonable rates. Yeah, I'm going to look into that. Big. And we're back. And so is the movie. When we left off, they had just pump faked the only interesting idea they ever had in the entire fucking script.

And instead, they're back again, still more at that same little fire where they took a nap most recently. He was so proud of building this fire in the middle of this national part. It's so tiny because it's the only real, it's the only non CGI fire in the thing. Yeah. Right. So Buster shows back up and he's got one of the sticks from the spike pit, clearly still trying to like play for some spike pit fucking or whatever. And Gina, Jed is like, hey man, that's sticks got pee on it for sure. You're touching pee. That's okay. This is so weird. She was Kong would do that in Vietnam. Yeah, the way she does, she literally said, well, back in

nom. She's 32 years old. Topps. Yeah, and the movie calls her out on that. He goes, you were in a NOM and she's like, yeah, but I read about it in a book. Why am I in the lost book of NOM that got erased because they were curtain, no, no, that's a different thing. Yeah, by the way, also, I noticed right here, I was very excited. The priest has Eli's exact shoes.

And this is very full. Every so often, like, weirdly, a lot, like, I'm gonna say a dozen times over the last couple years somebody has Eli's exact shoes in the movie. Look, he does. Oh, there was one movie where they had the same shirt. Remember, it was the musical. Yeah, they did have my shirt.

Wow. I think to be fair, I had their shirt where they got Christian musical. You look, sometimes you wanna go to pay less and you really do wanna pay less. And that's when you end up with my, when you go to pay less and fucking mean it, that's when you end up with my shit.

Wait, is pay less still a store? No, but even by four pairs at once. Oh God, which is what I do. They left far beyond the business. You own untouched pay less shoes from before two. They went out of business. Two fresh pairs. Oh my shoe. Just lick in the soul. Yep. Love it. Okay. You could eat off my shoes. Did they have that smell that pay less shoe store smell? Yeah. Because you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, it's called urine. Yeah. I'll justparagus urine. Yes. God. Okay. So the movie, well, you have to talk about the movie. They're still in vamp mode.

They're still writing the rest of the movie and they haven't come up with anything. Yeah. So at this point, we actually watch Buster. The jet is like, come on, go get not a piece stick. Go get other sticks for the fire that aren't with pee on them. So we watch him go out and gather sticks and literally talk to himself about how boring it is to gather sticks. Yeah, it's a couple of things.

I'm wondering what's picking up sticks. 60 minutes long. Yeah. I'm just going to be running away, picking up sticks. 60 minutes long. I already had to fill it with napping and picking up sticks. But then something actually happens, he sees a Z-Cult mask on a tree right next to him. No. To be clear, he sees the dude's real and definitely not plastic mask face hanging on the tree. Is that is not a mask? It is his face. Yes. Even though they'd call it a mask for the hanging on the tree. Is that is not a mask? It is his face.

Yeah. Even though they'd call it a mask. Oh, that's meant to be a chopped off head. I mean, earlier it was his face. They actually talk about that because he brings it back. No, you're right. And he's like, oh, it's just crazy because earlier we couldn't take it off because it was his face. But now it's a mask. That doesn't make any sense. This movie is bad. I would like to leave whatever your jet and Gina now go fuck yourself. Yeah. None of this makes fuck yourself in the spike pit. Oh right. And she's like, what the hell is that? And they're like, Oh, we're being chased by murder cults. Oh, it's from earlier in the movie. It makes slightly less sense than your existence in the film. Right. So they realize now that maybe

that cult had more than one person and is maybe following them and trying to kill them in Turkey. I guess the cult has to give you like multiple warnings before they actually kill you. They have to do a visitation and kind of be nice about it. Let you have them with a frying pan. The cult follows gentle parenting rules. It looks like you're feeling big emotions about wanting to find the arc right now. Right. So from there, we get another vision of the witch with the apples who runs the arc museum on Mount Ararat. And they've given us a slightly longer version of the shot this time, which includes the girl lying with the apples getting bored and thinking the shot is over, which I really appreciated.

And she's like sexy apples, apples, apples. Are we done? Oh, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples. Right. So we get that vision again. And then we see Z-Cult guy on the arc. This is the guy in the red robe with the cross and the mask. Yeah, right. So he's presumably meeting with the witch because they're all on the same team.

And isn't there now the lake shark comes back? Because we're like, yeah, this is a movie about Noah's shark. Yeah, we see the lake and then the shark again. So that we're all on the same page that the shark is inside this three inch puddle. There might as well be a title card that comes up that's like, I assure you, there is a shark in this puddle. Okay. Who's vision is this that we're seeing right now? I don't know the movies. We're seeing the movies vision. It doesn't literally this matter. From here, we go back to the exact same shitty little fire again some more. And they talk about how they should get some sleep, not a nap this time, a full sleep. Were you guys worried that we were going to watch them do a full eight hours? I was certain that we would get some sleeping. Jed Gina says, we should get some sleep.

It looks like we're gonna reach the arc tomorrow. How the, what, what looks like that? What looks like something that's gonna happen tomorrow? What does that mean? I checked out that little bar at the bottom of the screen here on Amazon Prime and it looks like we're almost done with the movie. So everybody rest up.

I was pretty confused at this point because I did pause this movie many times to do things like get food or pee or not have to watch the movie. And I noticed that we were quite close to the end at this point. And I was like, hmm, how are they gonna wrap this up? They aren't. Or how are they gonna include a fucking shark? They aren't.

This movie's called Noah's Shark and my notes, the predominant note throughout this entire movie is, okay, you've got six minutes left for fucking anything with a shark to have. Shark, please now. Shark now. Shark, please now. Nope. They do not. They just wake up the next day. And they still haven't come up with anything because the camera guy is like, I'm gonna go get some B-roll footage of the woods. And, and of Pretorius urinating?

Yes. He literally shoots Pretorius from behind, peeing. He does. He does. And then they talk about how they're in a really bad TV show, but really met a commentary that like we're in bad movie. He yells at him for the movie being boring. He's like, Hey man, that thing with a mask doesn't make any sense. Also, where the fuck is the shark?

And he's like, just, just keep talking. And the movie will reach 60 minutes and we'll get the full hundred dollars from Amazon. Yeah. Alan, who is the camera operator, that's his name Alan. I know that because I watch with closed captioning and it told me his name is Alan. Alan is the skeptic in the group. He just, he doesn't buy it.

Oh, it's like, I don't know what's going on. He's the voice of reason. It's the voice of reason. Yeah. Interesting. He's like, you put. He's the voice of reason. Yeah. Interesting. He's like, you put that mask in the tree. You did that. And it wasn't a face.

It was a mask. Do you remember any of this? No. Cut because it got way too meta. They have to cut here. And then we get more flashes of which with the apples, more flashes of grandpa doing exactly what we already saw him do. We're just getting the exact same shots of the movie. Yeah.

More now that it's it's like a kid who was supposed to write a 10 page essay and started quoting himself for the last three pages because he didn't have anything. There's this fucking great moment. They come on this tiny pile of rocks and he's like, yeah, this member when he stacks the stones in the Bible, this tiny pile of rocks is what he was talking about. And he's like, seriously. He's like, yeah, seriously. And again, I'm sorry, it's just the weirdest change of tone moment. The priest is explaining like, these were the rocks that are on, brought to a a raw and then the priest walks over and goes, that's what he said, baby.

Oh, yeah. I love for door. I cannot tell you how much I want this priest character in every fucking biblical fiction movie, right? Just Tom Hanks looking at an old screwdriver or whatever and he's just like, boy, you're going. Good job, Tommy boy. He's the best. Does a bad break dance move kind of hurt himself and just leaves?

And that scene is over. Yep. They keep walking past the tiny little pile of rocks that they glued together and they find a two by four from Home Depot balanced on the crotch of a tree. And the priest goes over to it and he's like, yeah, this is Go for Wood from the Ark. I can feel it. Now Keith, Keith, it's Heath. Did they bother to buy a second piece of wood or is this exactly the same piece of wood from earlier? This is the piece of wood that Ben Shapiro bought for spite from Home Depot for sure.

It's just an old board and somebody says that. Busters like, it's just an old board man. At one point, he gives away, he's like, you could put a thing on that board. Oh yeah, that was so weird. He was like, put it on some cinder blocks. You got yourself a table. Like, what? Is this in the movie?

This can't be in the movie. It says Home Depot on a little sticker. But the priest is like, well, they don't fall off the tree plain like this. So the priest is saying it fell off the arc and landed in the tree. And now there's like a trail of wood, like, like ET with Reese's pieces leading up to where the arc eventually crashed landed. Yes, but it's not just wood, it's evil.

He knows because he puts his hand, he like sticks his fingers all in its little rivets and things. And he's like, who I feel the devil in there? He shockers the wood again. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And he gets the flash of a witch again for a second because he kind of touched the wood.

And then they take a few more steps like two, maybe two, three steps, five feet. And now they see a giant 510 foot arc that was not visible to them until this moment. And they don't see it at the same time. Like the first person sees it, the other person stumbles up next to them. Then they look up the third person stumbles up. Yeah, he's like, what are you looking at? Oh, with a big giant boat. Yeah, big giant boat. Like they're all just looking at their feet the whole time. They're walking.

They rub their eyes and they're like, oh, that, that. Okay. Okay. But here's the thing. The priest goes up to the boat. He rubs it. Again, a lot of fingering rubs the boat. And he says, hello, old girl.

We literally all wrote that down. Exactly. I'm like gross. So what is happening? Did he use to race the arc against Vin Diesel? Because that's the only explanation for that line. Ugh, maybe so uncomfortable. And then we get, I almost went with best best for this.

We get the bitches better come near my lake shot from the shark. So as is the problem with all shark movies, right? You got to go near the water. So now we get a shot of the little pond and the shark in there being like, hope those assholes come near this pond. Oh, I bet. Well, I hope they do. So I'll give all the fucking bite the shit out of them what they do.

Better. Better. Yep. And we get some more of the exact same shots of everything we already saw in the movie again, a bunch, including the exact same bath toy shark in like Windex blue water jumping and splashing. in like Windex blue water jumping and splashing. It like it like does the thing that whales do. Like it, what is that like breaching? Like it completely leaves the water and comes back. And they just keep reversing the shot. Like, that's going to, that's going to be right.

Remember when we did the bear growl backwards? It's like that, right? It's perfect. So now the priest, I don't know where just wakes up inside the arc, like the grandpa did and like the cult guy did, maybe in a vision or maybe for real. Yeah. This I'm not sure about. Is this what's happening or is he having a vision? No. I think he's having a vision. He's having a vision, but we don't know that yet. Yeah. They skipped the part where he lost consciousness. They just cut to him being in the arc. They did. They forgot for him to. Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, this is where he does the green screen water shot, right? So they, they green screen the priest because he's, in his vision, he's supposed to like be under water with the shark. So he's just against the green screen and there's like bubbles and he's like, and they make him kind of translucent. It's the greatest thing that we've ever seen. It's pretty fucking great. It's amazing.

They like make him wiggly, like he's wiggly under the water. It's amazing. Okay, so he gets attacked by the shark while he's in the underwater area, green screen thing, right? Right. Yeah. No, we find out he's fine.

That was a vision. He's back on the arc again, but there's like a splash of water. So he was in a vision within a vision. No, he's he wakes up outside the arc, right? No, he wakes up on planks of the old. He is he is in a vision within a vision. He is then he wakes up from the vision. The second level vision, he wakes up from. Yeah. So he doodly do's out of the second doodly do. He wakes up from the vision. The second level vision he wakes up from. Yeah. So he doodly do's out of the second doodly do. He's now back in the first doodly do. Correct.

Oh, so wait, is this the part yet where Pretorius is like, I ain't going to stroke your forehead, but I'm here for you. No, that's what he's totally out of the vision, Carol. We're still in vision level one. You jump from two entirely out of the vision, but you're forgetting that it gets stabbed in the tummy by cross pajamas suit guy. Exactly. Eli might as well walk into the frame and be like, you can't swoosh out of a doodly dude. That's what they literally try to beep out of a doodly dude. This is a lot of people. I have no idea what's going

on. It's like computer programming language. You have to have an end brackets that match it. It has to line up idiots. Exactly. Inside out little girl is there. Called Pugpeggorn. Yeah. So that was all a vision, a double vision and now a single and now back to, now we're back to real, right? Yeah. And Pretorias is being a dick. So he was just standing there the whole time like having a seizure. Miming his first vision and then his vision with vision and they were watching. I think so. Or maybe he was unconscious, but either way, he wakes up and he's like, boom, he wakes up and he seems to have like a stab wound from within one of those doodly dues. Right. The first one. Yeah. And do you guys remember the context of this? But at one point,

Pretorious, maybe he's talking to the woman, and he goes, normally I'd find blasphemy hot, but in this case, and I was like, me too, dude, me too. LAUGHTER Like, I'm kind of on the same wavelength this guy. Yeah, Pretorious and us are feeling the same way about this movie for a lot of this. Yeah. You want to get out of here? Find that spike pit. But yeah, I don't want to lose the

thread of this very important plot. So. Oh, sure. While he was in the first level of the vision, he got stabbed by mask karate suit wearing guy. Right. And when he wakes up, that means that he's thirsty. What? Yeah. So he's like, I'm so thirsty. Quick, go over to that shallow pond. The post doesn't ever shark and it and give me some water. Oh, that's one. Yes. They were just doing that to get somebody near. Did he learn nothing from his vision? Like he had a vision of a shark in that same pond ripping his face off. And then he's like, go, go to the pond. Yep. I'd know nothing of a shark being in there. Yep. So they walk over to the pond to get him a drink of pond water. And the buster and Jed Gina talk about some theology here. They both have their moment of like,

so I don't know, this is a lot of detail stuff that kind of all worked out. The book of The Witch of Endor was kind of right about this. I feel like we're Christian now, right? And- I just wanna, okay. Right as that happens. There's the moral.

Busters like, I think we are Christian. I just wanna add one more thing. I think I love before he does. I love you. The joke fucking jumps out of the bottom. They deep blue see it. They deep blue see it. It's kind of amazing.

Yeah. And then she shoots it with a machine gun, but it's a demon shark, so it doesn't work. And it eats her. Yep. And does Buster die too? Yes. Okay, that's what I thought. Yeah does Buster die too? Yes. Okay.

That's what I thought. Yeah. Buster and Jed Gina get killed by the shark here. And all that's left now is priest who's kind of just laying there from his doodly do level one stab wound thirst. And then camera guy comes over and he's like, what the fuck is happening? Am I still in this? What do I have to do?

And priest is like, they're dead. They're all dead. Here's what you got to do. You have the footage to prove this to the world that Christianity is a thing. Go. Go. I'm going to die. You go. And he's like, take the E 99. Yes. He names one highway in Turkey. He like gives him detailed GPS instruction. Take route 47. Is that a toll road or is that it's a do you have easy pass? I'm okay. Because it's only a dollar 20 if you can do care.

You telling me the route through Turkey is one road? Yep. It's just the one. It's the one. It goes from Turkey to where? Name somewhere that it goes. Mashed potatoes. Yep. Yes. Is it makes the turkey?

So Gavrague leaves. And then the Witch of Endor shows up to like tell the priest what happened, what the plot was of all this. Yeah, she's reading him her poetry and And reading a little bit of poetry, sure. He did this great exchange. She grabs him and he says, I would die to defeat you and she says, I would not die to defeat you.

And he's like, oh, okay. Well, I kind of thought we had an emphasis thing going, but I see that I'm not, not as big a part of your life as I hope. But now that you're incapacitated, I will be reading you some of my slam poetry. Yeah. But I think what happens here is she tells him, no, no, it's we're all demons like all of us. The cult, the shark, me, me who looks like a little red riding hood, we're were all demons Legion. Right. Cause they all show their faces and they're like, we are Legion. I am Legion. And the shark's like, we're gonna be. Yeah, right. I am Spartacus.

And I think also grandpa was Legion too, right? The great, the lumberjack grandpa. Yeah, this one. I have no idea what's going on. Oh, yeah, because this is where they're there. Okay, I actually get this point of the plot. They're showing their cards to say, all of this was a big sophisticated ruse to get you here, to get some proof and put it out into the world. But the demons are helping them get proof

that Noah's arc story and the Old Testament was real? Right, because they're actually more aware of the irony than they're letting on. Because if you want to believe in all this bullshit, you have to believe in the bad side of the bullshit, too. So in, in like, Holy shit, this actually makes sense. I think yeah, like improving to the world that they are demons.

Of course, it also proves the Noah's shit, but whatever it doesn't matter, the whole point is that the good guys wanted to keep this a secret and they want the world to know about it. Right. And that lines up with what the cult guy said earlier. Yeah. Oh, shit. You tie it together correctly. Guys is is this a great move? It's a great move. Thank you, Eli. Yes, it is. Yeah. It's such a great movie. I see a great movie, thank you Eli. Yes it is. Yes, it's such a great movie. I see a line that you wrote, Heath that says he hears a tear adaptable.

So apparently that's the thing that happens in this movie. It is what happens. It's true. Yeah, and that's the line of the coin has two sides. So like the camera guy, he's filming as he's trying to find the E99. It's like the Blair Witch, he's filming as he's trying to find the E 99. It's like the Blair Witch project at this point. Yeah, Prayer Witch.

He's literally saying, I don't want to be in a found footage movie. I don't want to be in a found footage. I'm not making that up by the way. That's not a joke. Eli wrote that's something the character says in the found footage movie. Yes, yes. But the idea here, he doesn't want to die and somebody else find his tape later, right? Mm-hmm.

Oh, right, okay. Yeah, that's what he means, right? Like, I want to get out of here alive. I don't want this to just be an after the fact thing. Oh, okay, so that's why he's like, I'm going to destroy the camera. Well, not yet. Oh, no, no, this is when priest guy catches up with him.

Yeah, and he's like basically like, whoa, whoa, if we actually bring this footage back, we are in on their plan. We can't do this. We have to pretend we were never here. Oh, I thought otherwise we are Legion two. Yes. I thought priest was a demon at this point.

I thought no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's just realizes. I thought he got demoned up by the witch. No, no. No. No, no. No, no, with his plan to expose them, he's actually doing what they wanted him to do all along because they were all leeches. Exactly. Holy shit. This is really good writing. And so they, they leave the camera and they walk off to go find E 99, but just when

you think the movie's over, the witch picks up the camera. Yeah. Like what was that purpose of that? Just really wanted the rest of the movie to be her whole movies. Just like, and this is my witch's hot. This is the kitchen. It's a little messy right now. Don't judge me. I'm the witch of Endor. I'm getting shiver. And then you know the movies's over because they unscrew the PowerPoint intro. Oh, it says that IDD outro. Yeah. Okay, that's the end of the movie. So what's the moral of that?

Was there a moral of the story? Never trust a woman covered in apples. Sure. Women equals sin. Sure. Yeah. Okay. And apples, yeah, it all ties together. Women equals sin. Sure. Yeah, okay.

And apples, yeah, it all ties together. So I think that is gonna do it for Noah's shark. What that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week. Eli, what's on deck? On the night that he's released from prison, Lucas Blackstone, sets out for the town of Trinity to find the man who murdered his son.

Settle. Blackstone. Blackstone. Armed with a pistol and a pass full of mistakes, Lucas kidnaps Sean Everett and his wife Carrient holds them hostage. As the trio travels to Trinity, Lucas learns of Sean and carries troubled marriage and questions their ability to reconcile their loves through their faith in God. But Lucas has no interest in their faith. That is until he uncovers the horrible truth about his son's

killer. We'll be watching Taken by grace. Oh my God. I'm so glad I'm not doing that. I'm going to go way down hill in terms of writing next week. All right. Well, with that, look forward to we're going to bring up a three 58 to a merciful close. Big thanks to Cara for joining us. Cara, you got anything to announce anything big coming up? Nope. Nothing. I'm going to be on Gam again soon, probably, right? Maybe. We'll see. Maybe one day. And you can't quit on the air. Okay. You heard it right here, folks.

We'll see. I don't know. Okay. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And that'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, citation needed, skeptic rat, and dnd minus available in all the podcast places.

Also check out deer old dads. Woo-woo! And if you have questions, comments, or cinematics, suggestions, you can email God off movies at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcaster provided at the offices of the Andro Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of the Illegir Abston Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Cara Santa Maria and Eli

Bosnick. I'm Heathen, right? Promising to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. The shark went on to reimagine every book of the Bible. It's a stay tuned. It's gonna be a long season here. I got off of movies.

For a long season. Father Ben of the Priest got reported by Amy and her mom, but nothing fucking happened. Yep, that's right. The Witch of Endor used her new camera to start a very profitable many vids page. That's the one I want to see. I want to see. Yeah. Do I have some bookmarks for you, Cara?

No. No. No! And skin books, that's weird too. No, I'm still, I'm all about skin books. She is into skin books, it's not all me. What? Okay, so who am I in this one? Am I a demon? A demon, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Do I have to have a demon voice? Not necessarily. I'm gonna have a demon voice. I'm not gonna tell you how to play your part. Okay, I'll do it. You make a choice. You're good.

I'm not gonna tell you how to play your part. I'm not gonna tell you how to play your part. I'm not gonna tell you how to play your part. I'm not gonna tell you how to play your part. I'm not gonna tell you how to demon, yeah. I have to have a demon voice. Not necessarily. I'm going to have a demon voice. I'm not going to tell you how to play your part. I'll do it. I'm just going to go with whatever noise I make in the first few seconds. I'm going to stick with it. Yep. Nice. You're really wanting to do like a really problematic Asian accent. I'm going to tear it up like what is that movie breakfast? Exactly. Yeah.

Don't do don't do Mickey Rooney. Yeah, I would like to never race you think demons are. So Jewish you're gonna go to you. Oh, I go with Jewish. Perfect. Here we go. Demons gather around I Expecting more of a demons gather around me

St. Ghibbidjush Absolutely you guys are bigots you guys are bigots Absolutely not cut he was true. He worked for you God first I stand by this choice. He converted. That's true. Oh, what's better help? He really, really rocked those ellipses. Fuck yeah. He don't board. Kara. That's amazing. Okay, here we go. In my head, Cannon, Kara just noticed that we do that for the first time this week. That's how little we married her.

We just noticed that. It's like two year, it's a two year old bit. Kara, fuck. Okay. I'm sorry. Here we go. Hey, Kara, what are our names? Off the top of the deal. There you Yeah, you did it. I did it. I don't know Noah's name.

Morgan, keep that. Okay, here we go. What was that? Is that a pre-roll? Yeah, it's the pre-roll. Why did you do it in that boy? That's Carl the Pecacorn. He's literally our most important character, Cara. You've never used him in any episode I've ever been.

You have spent a tremendous amount of time with Carl the Pag of the He's right there. You let him in. I have no idea what's happening. I wonder if you pulled your audience. How many of them would be like, Oh, that's a bit. What are you talking about? People love car.

They talk. I have a wall in my house covered with fan art of Carl the Pegacorn Carl the Pecker Pecker corn. What are you saying? He's saying pug a peg of corn. It's a pug and a unicorn and a Pegasus at the same time. And it's an Italian American thing. Half, half, you know, mildly racist.

Okay. So I was supposed to get all of the fat from these people. I think he doesn't like Lebanese people. Oh, he definitely doesn't like Lebanese people. I don't think that's the end of the list. He likes garlic bread. He doesn't like garlic bread. His sister named Edna.

But wait, he's Italian. He doesn't like garlic bread. No, he loves garlic. Oh, okay. It's not made to a Lebanese restaurant. Exactly. Fuck. Should I stop now?

Sure. Yeah, I'm gonna stop too. Thank you. The preceding podcast is production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2022. All rights reserved.