God Awful Movies - 36: GAM036 The Black Rider: Revelation Road

Episode Date: April 26, 2016

This week, Thomas Smith joins Eli, Noah, and Heath for an atheist review of The Black Rider: Revelation Road, the third film in a trilogy that has, until this point, known which side of the colon the subtitle goes on.  Join us as we desperately try to figure out what accent Kevin Sorbo is shooting for, why David AR White is wearing knee pads, and what the hell the point of this whole trilogy was. --- For more Thomas in your life, check out the following links: Thomas and the Bible Comedy Shoeshine Atheistically Speaking --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es sin parque sur. But oh no, he comes back and now she's caught, she's screaming and he's gonna table saw her face off. Is that the most efficient? A man who was just holding a hunting knife. Yeah. Two seconds ago was like, I think I'm gonna go with table saw.

Where in his murder shed? Where in his evil murder shed a lady a little bit like a lot you mind lying across this thing and I'm just going to slowly push you forward into this movie Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because it's the only thing Eli doesn't master Baytou

In setting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back see this is what happens when you underuse the boss Not at all true to the originals very disappointed and sitting that 1809 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnichi How are you this fine afternoons sir? Well, I don't know who started the rumor that I don't jerk off to these movies But that is not really especially this movie every time Kevin starva was on screen Yeah, especially this movie every time Kevin starboard was on screen Quash that quick just thinking about it. I just busted one out and sitting to the immediate right of his own left is the nearly up for Pearl Thomas Smith of Comedy Shushan and Atheistically speaking famed Thomas. Welcome back. Oh Thank you. Thank you. You know, I looked it up and I'm sorry to

Break it to you guys, but according to California law I actually own part of your podcast now You're actually can't to victim me if I just sit here on your podcast. You can't get rid of me I see right next week's movie will scare him off. Yeah, right Get rid of you quicker than you know Also, I think my sorry if there's a bit of an echo, but it's my Christian movie health problems have only gotten worse But the I couldn't find the right mic for this iron lung that I'm in it might sound a little weird in here But yeah, my skin is like 80% gone people don't know this I'm a mess Putin actually just gave that reporter

Water he was just like you just get out the revolution the road through David a our white filmography for you so obviously we've already kind of spilled the beans but he tell us what will we be breaking down today all right we watched Revelation Road 3 the Black Rider Revelation Road 3 part um yeah yeah apparently they had a serious fight about the title and this was the awful compromise they landed on. Yeah, I had the same note. I had finally, we get to the Revelation Road movie in the Black Rider series.

Yeah, right. Yeah. This is the Donald Trump of movie titles. They had some trouble deciding. And it's the story of a small stretch of highway in Montana. And that area is pivotal role in God's plan for the universe, which, um, it might sound weird because there's supposed to be a main character that we established for two entire fucking prequels that we watched.

Um, and he does do lots of stuff in this movie, the main character, but he literally will not matter. No, no, no, or will he? He won't. It's all fucking awful. Nothing will he? He won't. It's all fucking awful. He will matter. Nothing will matter in this fucking movie. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you thought to yourself, man,

I loved the first movie because David R. White snuck Jason Bourne into his trailer. And I love the second movie because he snuck Jason Bourne and also Mad Max Fury rode into his trailer. Then you're gonna love the third movie because he also snuck a LL Bean catalog into his trailer. So that is how everyone will be dressed. Obviously he was playing word association as they wrote this and they were like, hey,

what do you think everyone's dressed like in the apocalypse and he was like, ah, LL Bean, scarves on their faces. The outfits just get more absurd and of course of course there is Kevin Sorboz Before I switch I could do an entire podcast on the 12 lines Kevin Sorbo When you say podcasts, I think you mean not like an episode like an actual entire Weekly podcast I could do So like an actual entire weekly podcast. I could do Eli.

Now we got in this shitload of trouble for not recognizing staying in the first one. So I wanted to make sure that we didn't have a similar error this week. So I really did comb through the IMDB page for all the key players in this one. So I want to let everybody know up front that this movie has Michael Bailey smith in it. Oh yeah, you'll recognize him as the generic bald muscled guy from many of TV's finest shows. His IMDB credits can include character names such as I swear I made none of these up. Bouncer, gunman, chain man, the thrill killer, Brooklyn Bridges, skinhead, skinhead prisoner,

skinhead number one, monster man, henchchman lead henchman that's a promotion and stole Corbett I like that he kept his last name yeah right the call will Corbett's the family name still got to get mail also not yeah not many people get to play a skinhead and a skinhead prisoner so that gives you like the dinette. He's like, I got a lot of range in my skinhead performance.

I can be a regular skinhead or a skinhead down trotten skinhead. Or it can be one of several skinheads. I could be number one. I have a group of like five or six, whatever you want. His audition monologue is just. Er. Yeah. Right.

Those movie also, as you point out, has James Denton in it. The shaman log is just Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr as Hilti Bowen in it. She played the female lead, best known as a strong six. She also played, this was actually on her fucking IMDB page, like one of the four credits. Clown girl from the TV miniseries sex campaigns on the episode entitled Get It On With Group On. Oh, I did not. I did not. Yeah.

It's because you can see her face in this movie. Yeah, right, right. Jamie, you know what to do. And also, of course, as Eli see your face in this movie. Yeah, right. Jamie, you know what to do. And also, of course, as Eli did allude to this movie, also has Kevin Sorbo in it. And of course, you'll know him as the voice of Crusher in the video game, Skylander giants. Yeah, of course. So I guess with a cast like that, I don't think we need to do anything else to sell you on this flick. So stick around, we'll take a quick break.

And when we come back, we'll break down all the Jesus-infused mad-max rip-off that is The Black Rider Revelation Road After watching this film it seems clear that pureflix's business model has now become copying notes from a Sunday school lecture into existing action classics and it's hesitant as I am to help these Ignorance peddling bigots turn a profit. we're stuck watching this shit one way or the other, so we figure we might as well help ourselves by helping make these movies better, which is why we've come up with a few of our own ideas for David A.R. White Action Remix. it's style, adjacent to the one's transgender women use. He puts all his engineering skills to the test to create an undetectable, bionic bigot to help his state enforce their legally mandated discrimination in.

But Trans-Informer, age of excretions. In the near future, a deadly mixture of accumulated knowledge and critical theological introspection threatens to destroy John's faith once and for all. So in a desperate effort to make Christianity seem sensible enough to cling to, he will venture back in time to stop his college education before it begins in... The Reaffirminator In a post-rapture hellscape, David A.R. White must protect his family from all the horrible shit that loving God of the Bible does to people who don't like his kid enough.

In Golden Crown, Iron Breast Plate wearing man-faced woman-haired lion-tooth scorpion horse-lookest, NATO. Where's this mechershark? Oh, there's a mechershark. I have that on DVD. Oh shit. Yeah. Just got someone's baby. I watched that ship. And we're back for the breakdown and we'll start things off with Quentin Tarantino action font Bible quotes. Ah, same note, same note. I wrote in my notes. Ah, I see David R. White managed to sneak Sin City past the party. I had, I guess no more masturbating voiceovers. Maybe they were both finished and they're just like, eh, or maybe David A. R. White is like,

I'm tired of trying to write stuff for people to say. So just, just pick something out of the Bible and just do a Quentin Tarantino font. Well, it's fine. It's fine. Well, and they couldn't have picked a less like ominous awesome quote. I mean if you want to quote stuff from Revelation you can find some like scary open a movie with shit, but it's though all about the one it's course that has the Scales like of all the horses one has a sword and one has Disheast impressive. Yeah, those impressive weapon is better. He's getting way some stuff. Well stuff well yeah right i mean it's so impressive that later on we actually see this where she's carrying scales or a

side threat or instead of scales because it was just too pussy to have actually right around y'all came to pan scary i'm scared right there to be like god what am i gonna do with these scales i'm just this is just wait extra weight i'm carrying around can't do anything with it i don't have a free hand here. I got one on the right. I know guys who kills people with a tool in this series. We can't have someone kill someone with scale. It's gonna be a little bit tougher. So then we learned

that this movie is taking place two years after the event. But I think what happened was everyone involved in the films and David A. Royce family and just anyone who knew him held an intervention was like, we're not letting you do another film until you write literally anything down. Like make sure you write down lines. There's got to be a script. Do like stage direction. You know, you've seen a script, right?

You kind of, you know what those are, like just write at least something. Remember from evening shade? You know, yeah, yeah. write at least something remember from evening shade And he's like no, I was just gonna do another one where it's like it's a bunch of the old the camera slows down Karate and then 85 minutes later. We got another third movie. No, no, no write something down. Please This was much more movie like than the first it was it was almost a moot movie like it had Movie like characteristics. It was you would you would identify it in the genus of, oh, this is kind of like a movie, movie-related.

Yeah, this is the barrage of water in a desert of movies. Yeah, it looks from a distance. It's a movie, but then you get close and it's just sand and you're gonna die. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, we could have said it was better myself. and you're gonna die. Yeah exactly. Exactly. We could have said it better myself. So we're gonna open this movie with Mr. Drake hanging right next to John Vell-John for stealing a meat pie.

And not just hanging him, they're going to hand-strangle him. I'm not gonna like push him off a thing. No, no. You're first, Aguil. They've just got Vincent de Nafrio as kingpin, who's just like, alright, I'm gonna lift you up a smidgen. Right. Just like, don't stand on your tiptoes, you'll ruin this for everything. That's my exact note here,

is just put your toes down and you're fine. Two inches off the gratt, you're clearly trying to hold your feet up like that. Just relax them in your fight. It would be inconvenient like in 12 years to slave and everything, but yeah, you could handle it. But what happens when he has to hang someone who weighs more than him? How's that going to work?

Like, no, I guess I get hanged then. No, sorry, whoever weighs more gets, gets hanged. That's how this works. Yeah, that's a police. That's a mechanical. That's why you need the scales. He's seen one of the villagers comes forward and he's like, do we have to do this? And I call him Christian, Christian Slater.

The man is moving. He explains that it's very necessary to hang people for stealing food yes yeah exactly but the town folks are so sure about this murder he should especially skinny crack had goth check yet this girl will blow you for a gift card to hot top yes we have contact information on the show notes uh... and also this incident ander, the bald guy here, I wrote him down in my notes,

a first as the things understudy. And then when I was looking at his IMDB page, holy shit, if he didn't play the fucking thing in a 1994 TV show or TV TV TV, whatever that they did. So yeah, he is actually the poor man's the thing. My note on this guy was, Mr. Zvanning. My note on this guy was, Mr. Svenning.

My execution victim. Yeah. Which is funny, you guys didn't like. It's because Brandy Svenning's dad from Maurex was very similar to this character. Sorry. Sorry. I giggle.

I got it. It was, did my mic cut out where I totally got that joke and that reference and must have cut out. No, no, and I also didn't splice and some of you laughing earlier uh... into that spot uh... okay so then we get to consider that the thing that we got a learn is it's hanging people in the street type of apocalypse now and then bam pure flick center and paint payment presents

a ripoff of mad max right i wrote in my notes they went full mad max never go full mad max never go full mad and we we show that it's mad max because david our white who is grown a beard now a lot of our about david our white or the some pubes to his face is one of the other yeah it's ninety nine percent soul

patch and then the gentlist if you've ever seen a 14 year old pubic hair that is what I have yeah Okay, good and that is what I don't know actually let me pull up the pictures But he has the thickest full-est soul patch you could ever ask for I thought the same thing I think he just took some soul patch hair and just like spread it on his cheeks like he just took like a comb over So he's chasing some kidnappers who are in a Mad Max van and his car from the first two movies is all Mad Max now and they're trying to Throw him off by throwing concrete blocks out the back of the man and which is the least effective strategy ever they just like they don't break anything the car they bounce

off the car like they might as well be throwing rolled up pieces of paper well and we learn later that they also have real weapons here right they later will be throwing dynamite and shooting at him but they wanted to try the concrete blocks first don't waste no dynamite on his mother bugger another well and i have to point out the continuity in this scene could not be worse that one point they're throwing those like cartoon bombs that are perfect spheres black spheres with the fuses on the top pretty much they act me on the side yeah and they like explode his car and then the very next shot will be just no damage on his car. Nothing on his car.

Or on the road behind him when they throw a dinosaur, they eventually start throwing dynamite out of it. And you know, like blasters dynamite takes out giant caves. And you see a little smoke, and then the smoke quote unquote, clears, because it was all done in my first timer's version of After Effects. And it's just a road. Yeah, but then you see also the best is they like they wanted to get the details right

I don't know why they couldn't just light the fake dynamite on fire they put in from Microsoft Office Clip Art like a spark You know on the dynamite signifying that it's lit it is so fucking hilarious. I love it. I expected the paper clip to pop up I was like I see you're making a christian do you want to really fake explosion looking thing to just put anywhere yeah sure okay i'll do that yes throw another handful of bang snaps from the party store get them so perfect so and then of course while one of the bad guys is trying to light a stick a dynamite the girl who's kidnapped in the van that he's trying to

Rescue apparently kicks the dude knocks him out of the van and so this other bad guy pulls out a knife and stabs her to the hilt in the side With a hunting knife. Yes. Yes. She is not dead from this as will wait well Wait, well, not yet. No, not yet. Yes. So eventually, this car chase ends because after they stab the girl, their van runs into death on a horse.

Right. But they swerve out of the way to miss it and they roll over. Instead of just run into the horse, you're in a van. What happened? What's gonna happen? But if you're wondering, hey, will death on a horse ever come back during this movie? The answer is absolutely not. No, we see death on a horse who throws these people out of their van and then he just fucks up. I don't know where he went. He goes to Milwaukee. Who knows knows he just gradually gently rutt swirls down the road a little further and yeah but first he and David

are white like stare at each other and I wrote my notes David are white's gonna fight death I mean right just head nod like you ran into your ex now you have a little head thumbs up he's like yeah cool got you got your back buddy all right thanks see ya see you neck never in this movie I wanted the black horseman to ask for directions or something like that it's just just normic down I'm looking for all the sotomites they know it takes a map see all the red cross hatch area that's that's the case all gay no I'm on I'm going to be fine am I going north or am I going to those people hit me

with their car I'm a little you want to be five am I going north or am I going to go people hit me with their car You want to go down into the right down into the road? I don't know if you saw my scales. What do you think? But he gets the girl out brings her into his car and she's all thirsty and like die And she's like am I gonna die and I wrote in my notes you have a knife wound in your body you sure are gonna That's how it works. Yeah, he's got no choice. So he takes that as map and on his map, this is the most ridiculous stuff I've ever seen. On the map, there's a bunch of like red cross-tatch area, which he've mentioned before and that's where the side of my czar. That's where the gate people live. And then there are like little bouncy castle stickers. And then there is what is very clearly a skull and crossbones drawn by a four-year-old yeah which he looks at point set and I wrote ah he has no choice but to go

where the pirates buried their treasure down to the Gondak perfect yeah going Gune's never say die for this girl yeah yeah so he's off to scolan crossbones land and then we cut to uh... mister drake the guy that was hanging in christian john vell john earlier uh... and he's meeting with the bad guys at the airplane well is this i don't know if this quiet qualifies for christian movie bingo you guys tell me you're the experts but post-rapture instant evil government federation thing. Is that qualified? Absolutely. People are so quick.

The minute there's a rapture, everyone's like, hey, evil government, evil government. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do it. You don't think evil government, okay, I'll be evil chairman. Face tattoos. Yeah, let's definitely have a face tattoo. We want that, we want that evil government.

A chairman, like let's give everybody a rent. Is that, do people do that in real life? Would they do that? just yeah instant evil government and this is the first of many times that a set of characters will be dressed entirely in an LLB catalog just a raid out of the winter collection apparently post apocalyptic means too cold for the desert. And he's with this like evil librarian lady who's also bad guy. Like they honestly they look like Bizarre O'Gay Clark Kent got photoshopped into American Gothic. Like that's the feel it's like a farmer with a bitch for a couple. So basically the end of their conversation is somewhere

out in this desert is a guy called the shepherd and these evil guys really really want the shepherd. Which is possibly the least intimidating outlaw nickname. There is. I get something a little more aggressive like the goat herd or we're looking for buttons. We're looking for the tickle monster. So now we cut to the inside of the car where stabbed girl has got the classic whisper disease from her stab wound. Yeah.

Which is the only time this has ever made sense. Right. Because she might have clung. Right. Exactly. Well, and she's got one of those weird bloodless stab wounds. I mean, I've seen that. I've heard about them in medical journals

Where you just you get stabbed with a giant knife no blood happens, but you're definitely still But you die six or seven days later Yeah, if you get enough antibiotics as well The first thing she says to him in the car is they say you never lose a fight And that is like it's like a third greater like my name is Billy Jay I've got hell back once and I've never lost a fight like that is the most childish lame identity and little league and we see him lose fights in all three of them anyway he loses fights

he loses like two or three fights in the first ten minutes this movie basically yeah so uh... so yeah basically they're driving along talking about god and and prayers and stuff and then they arrive at the roadblock in the city where they were hanging john velle's on earlier uh... and they don't they have a like a like a roadblock set up and they don't want to let him in yesterday negotiate has to negotiate his way in.

Right, but it doesn't work. So Sophia, the goth girl, she just moves. She just moves the car and they're like, oh, we didn't know someone would move the car. And he just drives into town with this girl, grabs her out of the car, and then Sophia, the goth girl, takes them to the doctor. And by the way, this Sophia character just real quick on her physical appearance.

She looks like Eddie Redmayne told his plastic surgeon, give me the Megan Fox. And also, so they come into town and he's driving and she's walking along side him. And he says to her, like can't we go any faster? And it's like that's not fair. She's walking in your car, but she goes, we don't want to attract too much attention. Like are you invisible when you go slowly? How are T-Rex's their eyes? How is this not attracting attention?

This is the most conspicuous thing you could possibly do in a apocalypse town. Like you might as well be driving by with hydraulics going up and like riding dirty. It looks at best like he's buying drugs at two miles an hour. But really, it looks like he's ha drugs at two miles an hour. Right. But really, it looks like he's haggling with a prostitute about the price for a three-way with a 16-year-old corpse that he has in the bathroom. And of course, we have to end this scene by learning that you don't want to be preaching around here.

Folks don't want to hear about that Jesus stuff. And then we get to Apocalypse Hospital. Now Apocalypse Hospital is maybe my favorite scene in the movie. It's not the best scene in the movie. Oh, that's the fightin' words. Yeah, no shit, but it is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, because this is exactly what happens first.

So there are only two people that are in charge of medical care in this town, apparently. A black lady and not a doctor, who will refer to you from now on as slightly thinner peat holes. And not a doctor, basically they're like, how's she doing? Is she gonna be okay? And he's like, I don't know man, I'm not a doctor. And everyone ignores that.

No one goes like, wait, why are you here then? He's just like, nope, not a doctor, I'm just the guy. The black lady leans down to remove her crucifix and David are white immediately assuming she's stealing it. So that the first line she has is I'm not stealing it. And he's like, oh, I didn't think you were stealing it. I love people. What are you talking about? So I'm only for Obama twice. No, really, but you can't check. And then she, at some point during this scene, they say there's been legends of a guy who saves people,

you know, referring to him or something. I was thinking, can there really be legends after two years? What's the legend? There's gotta be a time, you know, requirement for a legend. You can't be like, oh yeah, a few months ago, there's a legend of a guy.

There's a legend of a podcaster named Thomas they definitely lost track of that two years here and there but i also love that like his first line once they get her in there the guys like looked at her for two seconds he goes how bad is it and before we learn that he's a doctor my assumption is that he's gonna say she was stabbed in the hill in the lung with a bowing knife is not a scale of good or bad here. Because you have stabbed very well. Dead?

I don't get the question. Yeah, exactly. Of course, and we also learn here that, uh-oh, the bad guys are back from that trip to that airstrip or whatever, but David A.R. White is too busy paying in canned food and sternote and notice that trouble's a common. Right, so he's paying in canned food and sternote

and they're like, we've only got enough antibiotics for her for the first for a few days and i wrote my notes antibiotics are don't die pills right yeah right we want that punctured lung to get infected i have the same note like do you do you stuff the antibiotics in the wound and the point do they address the wound do they show the wound they don't know the wound they don't know what it is like they're just like no she's been stabbed but there's nothing it's very clear he is not a doctor he just like touching girls so like he said there's not a doctor and then the black ladies job is just a nag I think so you've got that's their staff is just a nag person and and you know

guy antibiotics guy puts the pills in a pile near the the woman like a bandaid pile so she's yeah right right now it's like it's like the tossing of their day yeah exactly so then of course like the the gate guards run up and they're like so via being starting shit let's some dude in here with a with an injured girl uh... when when mr. Drake and poor man's michael chichlis show up so now they going like surround his car so that he can be all actiony and uh... revelation road bingo don't do this you don't want to do this yeah i've got if you don't give us your keys we're gonna slowly come at you one at a time and make sure to yell to announce that we're coming at you.

My turn. Because the guy, because the guy even yells kill him and I wrote in my notes. Kill him one at a time. Yeah, at that at some point the bald guy gets a gun. He's like, oh, I'm going to put a stop to this. David A.R. White throws a hammer full speed like 90 mile per hour fastball hammer. Hits his face. Then somehow David A.R. White covers 30 feet of ground Instantly the next scene is just hammer. It's like that scene from Monty Python where they're running, you know at the castle forever And it was like that and he kicks him again and the bald guys like oh He's got hammered in the face at full speed

Like he's got he's got hammered in the face at full speed Kicked and then he's just like come on man. Don't do that. You know, I did it. Oh, they're very good They're not good at representing the actual damage that might happen for some of these things Also can we talk about what the people in the scene are wearing? There's first of all they're wearing roller hockey safety equipment Wearing roller hockey safety equipment, I don't know why, like full shin guards. And the posse is insane. The bad guy cop posse. There's first of all, correct me if I'm wrong, was there a little person in leather pants that cowboy hat and an infinity scar?

And an infinity scar. Pretty sure I was on it. And an infinity scar. Okay, I had that correct. And there's also a J crew p-coat model with a night stick. He looked pretty intimidating It looks like a country music boy band Basically, yeah, it will be the village people they just answer characters Yeah, may very well have been and I also love to that like just when David airway out bad asses like nine people

And pulls guns out of their hands and throw shit from across the room to knock them unconscious all of a sudden like mr Drake the main bad guy shows up, and he fires a gun up in the air, so now he has to stop. Right, and I wrote my notes, oh, so that guns the problem. Yeah, right, the other ones, not so much. But now he's captured. Also, and Sophia has to stay in the naughty shed until she's taking care of her.

She gets put into a garage filled with things that would help her escape. Like, you're have a hacksaw and an escape hatch and a whole button that you can push that opens all doors everywhere. There's like the gun from Portal. They're like, they're just these little. So then we cut to the garage where they're holding David A.R. White chained like Jesus to a fork lift. I wanted to see the part right before this. Just like, you guys mind chaining me up like Jesus

with the bar instead of just regular. You got me chained up regularly. It's a thing. I do. It's a thing. You're absolutely perfect. Also, the chains are just wrapped around the end of the fork lift.

You could just walk forward and use your stuff. I've got a lot of chains on you excited. You can't go to the forklift, but this is a whole bunch of enormous black chain like near that. For no reason. 90% of the chains are completely superfluous. They're not doing anything.

They're just like, hey, we want to make this look really good when we tie again. All of the chains throughout this film, you can't have a character do any real struggling because they would just slide off of these horrible ways they are tied. Yeah. Right, exactly.

And okay, so then we get Sophia and she's snuck out of the gaping hole in the punishment shed. And I guess they've never had to deal with imprisoning people before in this town that hangs people over meat pies. But then we get her sneaking out to like save David A. Arway, I guess.

And she's sneaking across a tin fucking roof. There's a bad guy walking back and forth on this tin roof. I don't know why you, I guess they patrol all the roofs in this town or whatever. But he's like 10 feet away from her, but he's facing the other way. So it's yeah. He's a guard from Metal Gear Solid that you can't hear anything he's not looking right yeah he has like a flashlight vision that you can see is like a cone in front of him and as long as you stay

out of that. If he had heard her a little exclamation point brad and he didn't even damp out her sound either she goes across the line. No, flying flying flying Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang Clang between the mayor and David R. White. And in this, we learned that he used to be a gas station attendant on time, damn it. Yeah. Well, and I want to say too, that when we open this scene to this conversation, the first thing we see is Mr. Drake tearing pages out of David A.R. White's Bible,

just to really ruffle the feathers of the audience. All right, and then the mayor guy said like he has David airwights drivers license like why does he still have his license he's pulled over and the post the fire but a fucker yeah he's like you better get a new photo this one's to and then this guy the mayor he's acting method is look anywhere else in the room but at David airwights I think his condition for being in the room but at david a r white i think his condition for being in the movie was like i'm not gonna look at that that that that is fucking face was especially not with the beard when he's telling his gas

station sob story which by the way is this stupidest back story i've ever heard of this guy was not a fucking gas station part that doesn't even exist he was definitely in sialis commercials though he was definitely in that for sure that was he should have said that I used to just do boner pill. I don't need to see out with that guy The first he says to David our white is do you know who I was before this and I wrote my notes Kevin Bacon And then we learned that they're both looking for the same thing grace That was the name that's the name of the doctor that could save the girl with the stab wound get it They're looking like I don't know why my wife ran off with the shepherd But you find the shepherd and you'll find grace. Yeah, you get it. Yeah, you can Jesus

I'm like that in the the term Yeah, that point you address the camera directly Grants Danza over address the camera directly you get it stands over wing yeah so apparently i guess the the what we're supposed to be learning here is that the shepherd is this bad guy that the the bad or the good guy that the bad guys want to get but only a man of faith can find him so now they have a man of faith to use

to uh... well you know whatever to the fucking fair it out right to, well, you know, whatever, to fucking ferret him out. Right. So they decide to let him go on the condition that he'll go and find the shepherd and this surgeon lady named Grace. And as they send him off of Vincent D'Anafrio, it's very unhappy about that. He doesn't want to let him go. And the mayor turns to him and says, when the perfect guy comes along for the right job, that's something you can't ignore. And I wrote the Eli Bosnian story.

Yeah, he says, you sure you're doing the right thing? You're not finding religion on me, are you? And then they just let the scene die on that part. Well the mayor goes, no, you're finding religion. Go! Did your religion say anything about me though? Like, did you talk to religion? And then now we get ominous driving cuts and of course because there's a thing visible in the scene

David A.R. White has to pull over and take a look Cuz he checks out everything that's ever by the side of the road ever in all three movies Never passes by anything. Yeah, I got a couple of notes before this first off yes actual tumble weeds they found out tumble weeds are like this is perfect let's send and you can tell that like it was just a guy off to the side that like dropkick the tumble we'd like here i'll get it to go across the and then also sky shot still contrails in the air all across the sky

despite the fact that we're in the post-apocalyptic world plenty of commercial airline flying going on just letting you guys know I mean we saw the 666 tattoo guy standing near an airplane so yeah obviously it's probably just him just driving just flying back and forth and back and forth so apparently so he pulls over for a suspicious golf cart on the side of the road where apparently some cannibals had murdered the God who's driving around the apocalypse in a fucking golf cart? Oh the carinals Stick your feet out the bottle to you Would you get your deserve to get cannibalized if you're driving that thing in the apocalypse?

Yeah, but I'm exactly what Jim Baker was talking about Should I had some buckets god damn it? But apparently they didn't take the golf carts gas So he's gonna siphon off the gas just in case we didn't get the whole we're doing the mad max thing And when he goes to get his gas tank He finds out that Sophia has been hiding in his trunk the whole time. Remember the girl that was gonna save him but then didn't and it didn't matter.

Anyway, she's in the trunk. So now he has another perky, kind of hot-ish if you look at her in the right light sidekick. And so now we cut back to the village and Mr. Clean is taking all of the village's medical supplies away yeah yeah because because the girl is an outsider well it's and it's not like they were doing anything anyway he just was piloting them next to the girl like you can't

have these next to sick people anymore sorry and i'm sorry and this is supposed to be the all they're so evil they're not gonna give that sixteen-year-old girl all the anti-bites but i'm thinking to myself okay you got a whole town full of people You got a 16 year old girl that just showed up already stabbed and is definitely gonna fucking die Why would you throw away antibiotics on her this makes sense? This is death panels. Yes, but it's good death panels Good death panels is the name of my band But uh... check us out media uh... that was anyway in twenty sixteen uh...

the bad guys are heading off now to go get him because he's got so fia and apparently she's gonna fuck everything up because she's not a christian and only a christian can find the shaper that's really what they're worried about and dammit if they didn't rent some home views so the bad guys are gonna are gonna uh... go after them you definitely want the least fuel efficient vehicles you can have and i have a lot of you

when there's no gas available drive a tank that makes sense yeah so we cut back to the side of the road and david our white at let's around the trunk but says he's not taken so fear with him so he just leaves her with the golf court and drives off right in cannibal country right in cannibal country but rather that so she's like stuck there but then there's another thing by the side of the road and as we know this is an ADD trip across country so he gets out because he can hear the screams oh my

god yeah and we he encounters the people from the hills have i'm trying to eat So he gets out because he can hear the screams, I guess. Oh my God, yeah. And he encounters the people from the hills have eyes trying to eat a lady's face. We need to talk for an hour about this quote unquote trap that happens here. It is the most illogical trap of all time. It makes no fucking sense. So first off, they're relying on someone to just pull over all the time, which I guess people do. When the world is full of people who are going to murder you, you definitely want to just pull over

and wander off the road, leave your car, do all that. Yeah, oh yeah. And then they're relying on them hearing the yelling. Like, like, there's just, someone driving by is just gonna hear yelling. I have to- Well, the first 50 people they ate were on-stunner operatives. Oh, I'm like,

I'm like, and then the trap is so the woman has like, the first fifty people they eight were on stock operatives all and then the trap is so the the woman has like a you know a spear with a knife you know tape duct tape to it she's she's attacking the guys and then our hero david our air white he just walks just walks in a straight line toward them and then a rope just catches his leg

just somehow he walks exactly where robes and then the guy says catches his leg. Just somehow he walks exactly where a rope is. And then the guy says, works every time, he says. What? Every time. Every time they lure people down there, impossibly, stage a weird fucking drama scene where they're like fighting, oh no, let's get her baby. And then a guy just doesn't shoot him, by the way.

There's lots of guns in this world. No, he doesn't shoot him. Every time a guy walks straight onto that rope It's fucking illogical. It is the stupidest thing I've ever seen Yeah, and when you see like two farmers trying to steal a baby from a methodic to as a knife That's not suspicious to you as the special ops command Oh as you're walking up to that and Sorry, I might be trapped like how many people Realistically how many people hear a woman screaming in the bit in the distance and go now let's go towards that Oh, I'm outnumbered in there on their arms. Let me walk closer and and so I can set off their wily coyote trap

If I hear a woman screaming in the distance. I just think that I left my computer on Just like oh fuck fuck I thought I closed that window. Yeah so they've knocked him unconscious. Um that's he he lost a fight guys just in case you're keeping track. Well he knocks him unconscious with a full full power baseball bat swing at his head and so that you know that puts you out for a couple minutes. I can't get his voice. You wish a fine way. Oh have a little bump, like a bald bump on the top of your head that sticks out that's right. Some tweeting birds, perhaps.

Which means that it's now time for us to cut back to the not doctor and black lady. And the first line of this scene is, she's got a fever and I wrote in my notes, she's got a fever and the only solution is the cowbell. I know only prescription antibiotics are more cowbell, one or the other. And she keeps turning to him and going, what do we do? And keep wanting this character to go, I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

I just saw girls couldn't resist. I feel bad about getting involved. How do you think I'm still a doctor when my technique is to just pile closed medicine next to a person? That's all I know how to do. I don't know what they do after that. I have no idea. Luckily the black lady has a plan. Yeah, she's gonna give her her crucifix next. Next let's back.

Because God doesn't know that people would rather not die of their styab wounds unless they're marked as his children apparently. But that's okay because now we cut to the cannibal compound. Alright, now it's important to note that we've seen a couple of times now that Sophia has been following him in her golf cart the whole time. So yeah, exactly. So she's caught up where they have David A. Arwhett chained down in the Dexter room. Yeah, she lost her drive in the rough, so she's almost... And this is where we're supposed to get this scary character who's like the cannibal guy who cuts people up but it's just James Blunt.

It's James Blunt with 70s push on his face. Yeah, try and as damned as to grow up here. Every time David A.R. White is tied up it's chain based for some reason. I don't know what and when did they decide in this movie like guys if you're going to tie someone up chains that's what you chains are terrible for tying someone up. It's awkward, it doesn't what every time it takes a lot of work there it just just duct tape it's fine rope, anything. Yeah. So ran rap works for Dexter. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's what I do. I don't I just cut that cut that. Your level of knowledge is disturbing. I know. I know let me tell you where

you can go. Okay there's an Amazon. I actually have I know. Let me tell you where you can go. Okay, there's an Amazon. I actually have a product on Amazon. And actually, you can, you know how on Amazon, there's a, you can set a subscription. So I've timed out kind of how much rope I need, you know, win and then Amazon just sends it, I've said too much. This is his fourth podcast.

And so just as the psychotic guy is about to kill him and and chop him up for for ribs or whatever mom a yells uh... uh... distance and apparently howards mom from the big bang theory lives yes i love this character so much we never see her just here yelling for most great

i want her movie so fucking bad i wrote my notes she finally ate Gilbert Grape. And then we meet Kevin Sorbo. Yeah, that's our aunt. It is glorious. The greatest moment in my entire life. It is like Adam Reeks had Richard Dawkins stroke. He's what? That's the accent.

He's doing it's half a trillion, half Scottish, and he's dressed like if Peter Pan lived in Alaska, right? He's fucking ridiculous. I think it's actually a socialist accent. This is not a socialist accent. It's a democratic socialist. And yeah, he's also wearing roller hockey safety equipment Kevin Sorbo is do But to his credit it's part of an ensemble part of an ensemble and he kind of looks like the first openly gay themed WWE character

They call me the converter Matrimon dandy savage. I had Australian Liberace But I'm writing in my notes like i had to stop this movie so many times uh... laughing at this god damn accent i'm like kevin has to be giggling at this and i had to stop the movie the guy actually like

seriously what the fuck is the accent i mean we don't need to cut i would ask you this what the fuck all during this the girl is trying to rescue David A.R. White by trying keys in the various locks that are on the chains. And she tests the keys by jamming it on the keyhole and turning it like twisting, twisting the key on the key. It's like, that's not how keys were. It either goes in or it doesn't. You don't need to like jam it and then twist it on top of the keyhole. doesn't fucking do anything right this is all happening while Brian Boytona with George Harrison speared his

outside negotiating the price for the car that's gonna be very important Kevin Sorbo is buying his super bad S.C.R. yeah yeah exactly exactly and then so she's trying to rescue him quick before he comes back from buying the car, but oh no, he comes back and now she's caught and she's screaming and he's gonna table saw her face off. Is that the most efficient? A man who was just holding a hunting knife. Yeah, right two seconds ago was like, I think I'm gonna go with table saw.

We're in his murder shed. We're in his evil murder. We've got a lady. What about a lady with a smoother face, a little bit like a sauce. Will you mind lying across this thing and I'm just going to slowly push you forward into this. Yeah.

So and then of course, at the same time, our hero is still chained up in the back when he manages to knock his table over and kick some water under the power trip and short out the table saw. So this room is just a series of things conveniently set by his feet that he can kick over to help her somehow. Like first it's water and then he sees a bucket of like acme slippery fluid. Yeah the terminal viscosity scene here. I'm convinced that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that bad guy are wrestling. David A. R. White still cheating him. So he kicks over a bucket of grease and the grease slides down onto the floor and such a way is to cause them both to slip. But only the bad guy breaks his face against the table as he falls. He has done this math in his head. Yeah. And they react like, yep, that's about how exactly that was going to go. Yes, I was thinking you would do exactly that and that all would happen

death of the cartoon head punk good strategy apparently they couldn't afford a banana peel face the that's what made more sense you all right because then she wouldn't anyway so yeah then we get the two of them making their lack of a single escape and she's very upset because he didn't kill them when he had the chance he tied him up and left them there. Right. He's too Christian. He's got a... He's basically the rock from the rundown except nobody cares.

He's like, I don't use guns except for this several times later in this movie. He used guns and then earlier and then... Yeah, exactly who knows. I live by a coat. coat well there's some some rules I'd never mind actually yeah more of a philosophy structure yeah well we don't want to lose the entire second amendment crowd is what we're saying and this is where we learn by the way that Kevin Sorbo's characters name because they say oh well the car was sold to a man named Hancho Hancho, yes

Hancho and so we can do Hancho's post-apocalyptic flea market Everyone at this flea market hustles and bustles all day. They're just like not only are they trading things? They're furiously trading. Oh, you're sunglasses. You know, I mean, you know, get out of there like how do they have all this energy to just be vigorously? It's all those scenes on the stock exchange that you see when like panic and everyone's it's all that times 10. Yeah And they cannot be selling a weirder variety of things the flea market seems to include cars

Children in cages. Oh, and the sunglasses off a guy's face. We don't see like, there's just a scene later on when our guy takes his sunglasses off and he's like, and they're furiously trading these objects. Yes. All the way just back and forth. Like, I trade you that. You want it back here. You're going to take it back for this. I agree with you. If you're taking it, I trade you that we want it back here you take it back for this I agree here take a hand to get out trade that give me glass was just Ridiculous yeah, so sort of home pulls up at the flea market and in his new car in an outfit that begs for fish in his shoes And and he pulls out a Civil war revolutionary war what the fuck was this gun handheld pirate cannon it's

actually a hand in his hand in his hand in his hand in his hand in his hand and I had these same notes I was like why does he have a fucking flint lock cut gun and then my note is here I literally googled old-timey pirate gun to see what it was like that was all I could think of to Google first result was exactly that was Kevin Sorbo where did he get that like how would you even have that the fuck knows but he wants to let he wants to wave it around and tell everybody that if they fuck with his car he's gonna skin him alive and feed him to the pigs which is an odd threat to make when you're pointing a gun at someone right which his accent is so indescribable that I wrote in my notes I skin them alive and feed them to the pigs, which is an odd threat to make when you're pointing a gun at someone. Right.

Which his accent is so indecisurable that I wrote in my notes, I will skin you alive and feed you to my paints. Yeah. He's got like Bob Ross in the other room. Oh, so I love to wear. The whole time we're getting the bad guys following a long scene like Prince Humper Dink and Princess Bride, like, you know, they will cut to them with the red next going, hmm, there was a big fight here. It looks like the victory with the mighty duel.

Yeah, exactly. It's arranged all over. Anybody wants some fuel? And so Ryan with duel. Sorry. Oh, I got you. Oh, yeah. All right, all right.

That was like, that was met up So we cut to David A. R. White and Sophia doing the walk along the road to talk about Jesus scene. Oh my god It's super duper boring and slow like the first three minutes of them on screen. She's just like so You want to smell my finger? So you want to smell my finger? That would have been awesome, you kidding? I would have loved that. The best part of the movie.

Yeah, but eventually we learn that she wants him to teach her to be a Christian. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Can you teach me to Christian? Do I have to poop backwards? Right. There's absolutely nothing to learn. Yeah, I think She always says, teach me to believe what you believe.

Like, why don't, how do I do that? What do you mean? Just, yeah. Just say like, oh Jesus is our savior. That's basically all I do. You want to know what I do? I just say like, yeah, we're saved, Jesus, et cetera. That's about it.

Yeah, but as they're walking down suddenly, he looks out and she goes like, what is it? And he says it's a suspenseful music. Get down. And it turns out that there's a crazy man wandering around in the woods yelling for the shepherd that they're looking at. And we're like, oh, a schizophrenic. He should be able to help.

Right. And my music note for this scene is, hurry cartoon mouse. I don't want you to get caught by the cat. So, yeah. mouse I don't want you to get caught by the cat. So yeah so he starts talking to this schizophrenic guy who apparently met the shepherd and he wants this guy's help so he offers to trade him he basically says like okay I'll give you this giddy and bible with pages ripped out of it and notes written on it if you help me find the voices in your head that's basically where our characters going at this point the guys like and the by the way the lady is like he's fucking crazy and i wrote

my notes he is crazy sexy me lacunas think unsexy me like you know some my opinion but i don't teach his own i like a strong jaw i see so he looks he he pulls out his mappies like point to me on me on the map where you saw the guy and the guy immediately points out there I'm like, no, that's not how maps work, but okay Yeah, luckily I got a really good aerial view before I left Just gonna say he's off his rocker, but he's good great with maps. He's like, oh, yeah

I remember we were right there about longitude But he's good great with maps. He's like, oh, yeah, I remember we were right there about longitude The right Anyway, so he gives him the Bible like you said he would for helping him find the shepherd and as soon as he gets it He gets shot by the red necks and says Jesus forgives me so that we know he gets to go to heaven But he did but he dies while reading the front cover. Yeah, does that count? I think so last word just like placed by the Gideon. Hey, the old guy from the second and the first movie did it. Well, that's an excellent part of the Bible. We've already learned. So yeah, so they started to run off, but of course

he's got to go back for the Bible like it was Indiana Jones's hat. Right. So they're running from the hills, have eyes people and their way of hiding is they get behind thinner and thinner and less and less concealing trees as they go. Right. Eventually they're just standing in front of grass like they won't be able to shoot this. And it's because they're chasing him through about, I don't know, 10 yards of trees and somebody's back to him. Thomas mentioned mentioned this last time they have a lot of trouble with distances This is one of those times like and they might as well pass the same road sign eight times in this little ten yard forest It was ridiculous, and I love this fucking this exchange that they have to as they're running because she says

Why didn't you just kill when you have the chance? He says never kill a man when there's another way and she says is that what it says in your book and he doesn't say No, it says to smash your enemies babies headfirst into the rocks and then genocide their cows i had to make up my own fucking rules you can't find morals in this thing but that's what he should have said she's constantly asking like oh is is that what's in the the bible is that like everything he does like all i just uh... we're gonna stop at this street is that what it said in the bible yeah that's what it said in the Bible? Yeah, yeah, that's what it said in the Bible. That's what it said in the fucking Bible. To hide behind this street.

It's like just read it. At a certain point, you can just read the Bible. It's not that hard. You don't have to ask somebody what it said. Of course, you would have no fucking clue what Christianity was at that point, but they're not gonna admit that in this movie. So yeah, so he tells her to run hide in the house

from Blair Witch Project. Well, he takes care of business, I guess. And his version of taking care of business is to turn into Wily Coyote, to try and kill these people. He hangs his jacket on a tree. They all see, and this is not like a, it's not like, oh I see the corner of the jacket behind the tree and I'm going to shoot it. It's very clearly just the jacket hanging on some branches.

Nobody could confuse it for a person. Nobody, Dick Cheney would have looked at this and been like, that's not a guy. That's just a jacket. I'm not gonna shoot that in the face. And it's levitating like 10 feet off the ground, whatever. There she goes, jacket, shoot it. They shoot like four rounds into it, too.

Let me reload. I can still do a shoot this jacket. They shoot the jacket like it's Baltimore cops shooting a black guy. it rounds into it let me reload the jacket they shoot the jacket like it's baltimore cops shooting a black and then we cut over to her in the creepy house and she's found dead people food with raps rashes and really freaks out about that but then when she finds creepy old ghost lady staring out the window she seems fairly nonplast. This makes less sense than, no, I can't say that.

This is on the top 30 list of things that make no sense. There's just a lady who appears, starts talking to her, and my thought was like, oh, did she not get raptured? Are we going to find out if she's evil? Does she have some weird past? And then she just resets. Yes. It disappears. Reset button. And she's back in the chair. Do she have some weird past and then she just resets. It disappears.

Reset button and she's back in the chair. Their goal is like, let's just think of something creepy, but there's no explanation for it. Is that in the rules? Is that in the Bible? This scene is just like a scene from a scary movie, but Jesus is the monster. Basically, yeah, exactly.

It's just Groundhog Day and every day I wake up and I'm watching this fucking movie. Great. That's hell, yeah, exactly. It's just Groundhog Day and every day I wake up and I'm watching this fucking movie That's hell yeah, absolutely never explained this so yeah No, and meanwhile David A.R. White Scott would and by that I mean two giant pieces of wood that he's gonna whack these people to death with now Keep in mind he's gonna kill most of these people anyway, but he's like turning down her gun No, I'd rather beat him to death with a large log. Also he manages to duck one bullet or whatever and make one guy shoot the other guy. Oh, this is so absurd.

He's standing there in front of the guy and the guy shoots the gun and he just like, whoop, just dodges, not matrix dodges, like boop. And he shoots the other guy and he's like, like oh he got us with the old dodge the bullet And then of course for the final bat Hillbilly David A.R. White just shakes his head really bad assly and the guy runs away Yeah, for the first time and last time in this series the don't do it worse Yeah, right. Yeah, the series goes alright fine Well somewhere in this scene too a guy drew a knife and every time someone Drop there's a lot of fucking knives in this movie every time someone draws one it sounds like a samurai sword coming out of it

It's like it's just a knife just take it out. It's just This is James blunt after he disarms James blunt James blunt pulls out a knife Then James put I wanted James blunch to just pull out a series of more and more ridiculous weapons to attack David. Like he's got a rubber chicken and then he's got a glass half full of milk. And they would all make the same sound. It would go, Kitchee! Yeah, right.

Or sometimes it would go, yeah. So the last guy runs off and Sophia has to shoot him to death or whatever. Right, I wrote mine out Sophia shot for. Well, she did. She totally hunts soloed that shit. Well, his gun was empty though. So he knew that, went in and pulled an empty gun on somebody else's figure.

So totally your fault. Really thinking this through. So meanwhile back at the apocalypse flea market, Mr. Clean is shown up and he steps out of his Humvee. Basically, this is the series of events he pulls in steps out of his Humvee and calls his boss, no sign of the writer or Sophia. You've been there for two seconds, you lazy fuck. He's in the center of the fucking bizarre in turkey And he looks around for a second goes they're not here. Yeah, right No, why don't you couldn't fucking find the shepherd you would just show up somewhere and be like nope

They're not in my immediate vision right in front of me. So therefore not here. Yeah. So this is, this is, I think, my, it's so hard to, it's not my favorite scene. It's one of my favorite scenes in the movie. The mayor and Kevin Sorbo, Hancho, this like, you better help us find Sophia back and forth. And he's basically like, yeah, Mike, if you won't make it, you go to help me out. And he grabs a girl in a North Face Hat who could not be more of a strong for like Obviously was just an extra who was like oh, I'm in the movie and he's he's like all the ladies So she's supposed to be a prostitute Yeah, he could not look less prostitute. He she seemed as surprised by that turn as anyone else. Yeah

Yeah, and he tells them ultimately because they find the car and and they're and he's got the car so and then he eventually tells him that oh I bought this cloth and we had red next added the film and I also love that they that that's the use that it's out at the farm like I just love in the writers room somebody was like I need a name for the for the farm and somebody else was like fuck off okay never mind never mind. I don't need a dad bed. Just a farm, I guess. Okay, but you're handling all the lightning for movie one. Why do we mean hiring him? Meanwhile, people are still furiously trading sunglasses back in the background. Yeah, sunglasses. That's sunglasses. So now they've decided that okay, so mr. Drake through this weird fucking

Series of logical steps that Jeff Goldberg will look at or gold. What's what's his name? Gold bloom. That's it. This weird series of fucking logical good. Yeah Yeah, right. Yeah, so Jeff Goldblum Rube Rube Goldberg thought here and he's like oh well I guess the guy is gonna is gonna have a He's gonna defeat the guys at the farm and then he's gonna come back looking for his Car which he'll know is it this bizarre somehow so we'll just wait there Luckily Mr. Belt faces here to watch until he shows up this guy Go on go on. He's just got a fucking ace bandage wrapped around his

face like nine times because he's three other characters in this movie. Oh, you're talking about the the hamburger. Yes, that's the guy. Yeah. Fucking amazing. So then we cut to them chatting by the fire and the first line she has in this movie is it was quick too quick and I wrote the Eli Bosnick story. Well, everyone of us probably expected or was hoping for David Ayerway to go, yes, sorry. The story of my get really excited. It's just apocalypse, man. It's just apocalypse. I just like, huh?

It gets me off my game, sorry. But no, she was talking about killing the bad guy, not fucking David Ayerway. And she, she mentions turn the other cheek there He's like but sex wait Nothing. No, you go you go finish your thought. Yeah, I was along the theme of she has no idea what's in the Bible She's like turn the other cheek. He said that I think it was Jesus. Where was that Woody Allen? She says it like that like you said say that? I wrote in my notes. Yeah, but he also told that story about cutting people's heads off if they don't serve

you well. So like, so the way we get here is she wants to know if she can still go to heaven since she killed this guy. And he's like, yeah, no, you murder all the people you want. You said to kids, don't worry about your sorry. Yeah, that's as bad as you're sorry. Don't fucking worry about it. The only thing that works out.

And then to turn the other cheek. Okay, so this is what happens to you goes like turn the other cheek isn't that what he said? And David R. was like yeah, and he says like well, what if somebody's trying to kill you? He's like I'm still working on that. I'm like yeah, it's a shame nobody tried to kill Jesus. Or you'd have a ready example of what to do.

The WWE JD would be all filled in for you. You fucking dumbass. And of course it's also problem of evil time. Probably, of evil time. And this is a very original answer. Yeah, wasn't it? Yeah, it depends entirely on this movie. Right. It doesn't count now. That's what that's what happened. Basically, it's the God should at least get a participation trophy difference. What we learn is that God was stopping all the evil. So like God was okay with a certain amount of baby rape. But now that like the apocalypse has happened, look how much baby rape there is without

it. Yeah. Yeah. Just look at this fictional movie world we made up. That proves it. It's like what about the baby rape before? Jingleys. Jingleys. Well, and then she brings up this other issue, which is which is one that Christian movies very rarely deal with she's like well Then you're not afraid to die. It's like no, it's like well then why don't you die since your wife and your kid are up there And you love Jesus and you're sure you're going to have and he's like oh Yeah Right right next scene Yeah, and and so the whole cell is like well well, without Jesus, crime is up, you know, like seven, eight percent.

No, right. It's been, he makes a huge difference. Commercial air travels doing fine, but crime is way up. They really wanted to ask for a fourth movie at this point, so they cut over to dying teenager girls. And she's woken up, and she she's gonna speak entirely in vagaries and Prophecy and repusels. Yeah, no and her delivery is like every word. She's farting as she says it She goes like there's a you know golden something in this fire and Dragons and like just seriously go watch that Jesus literally is farting on everywhere

They're about to pray for her and she goes no pray for Josh Jesus told me he's very important and I wrote in my notes It's weird that Jesus seems to have only confided in teenage girls when the rapture There was a grass on the field Christ one of the play ball. Yeah, that's the pattern emerge here. Yeah. So she makes her little prophecy, which is I quote, a hammer, a witness, a man in white, a moving city, the golden bridge, the spire, the throne of light,

a partridge in a pear tree. You missed a broken spear, but other than that, you know. Oh, broken spear. Yeah, yeah. You're broken spear. I'm so excited. You're a part of three. You missed a broken spear, but other than that, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're broken. She learned that from the voiceover people from the first. Oh, right. The Scottish family that taught Kevin how to do his Australian accent. And did anyone write down all these objects or what? Like, no one's going to remember all the, I've watched this twice. I don't remember a single thing she said. No one's writing that down. No, okay.

Also, just quick note on the end of the scene with David R. White and Sophia there. I don't know if this is the same for you guys. Did you guys watch cinematics, Red Shoes Diaries as a child? Was that a thing for anybody? Just me. Okay. I just brought out- I was going to watch naked women when I was a dead well, there's no naked women This is no you're right very clearly soft core hand job points It's just faces and shoulder motion. That's all you're watching and Done a lot of that and a look of fake disappointment on David I know there's things on that scene is at some point in the previous fighting she's picked up one of those

I painted a slight amount of blood on my cheek and therefore it's cut. Yes, yeah. There's just a line of, you know, watercolor on her face. I know it'll stay there for the rest of the fucking movie. Yeah. I just, I wanted so badly for David A. R. White to do the like, liqueuse thumb and be like,

let me just get that. Okay, you're magically not cut. So I guess on the God's little rebus puzzle about golden bridges and spires, we're going to pause for a quick break. But before we do, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will they rescue the girl in time? You remember the girl from the beginning that got stabbed? Aren't they still trying to save her or something? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the unintentionally dark conclusion of the Black Rider Revelation Road. Okay guys we do not have a lot of time at TJ Mad Max so we're gonna have to get our

things in leave. Heath we need some gasoline so see if those guys on the truck have it over at things that burn baby burn. Alright no problem are the next two kids kids kids no they moved there were sharp stuff for your car Used to be oh shit did uh did sharp stuff for your car go out of business yeah they got That's too bad Great All right Eli you had over to unlabeled cans bananza and remember guys if you get lost Meet at the Hit him and this is burning tires.

Yeah, I know. No, I wanna understand. Will you teach me everything from the beginning? Well, alright. In the beginning, God created heavens and... Four hours later. Fuck this book is boring and stupid as shit. What chapter are you on? Chapter 1. Yeah. Quick chapter are you on? Chapter one.

Quick, can you save her? Everybody out of the room. Get this jacket out of the way. Sure, no problem. I'm gonna need some rubbing alcohol, some Vaseline, and some rubber gloves. Alright, got it. Okay, take her pants off. She got shot in the arm. Yeah. I just don't understand how is taking this teenage girl's pants off gonna help with the stab wound.

It's... Oh, I'm not a doctor. Wait, wait, you're not? Nope. So, why did budge... Oh, yeah, yeah. You want to know this? Tag team. Yeah, yeah. You want to know this? Tag team.

Yeah. And we're back for more walking apparently. When we last left our heroes, they were in no particular hurry to get to the apocalypse flea market. And when we return, we learn that nothing has changed apparently. Yeah. They're walking along, and this is where we learn that so many people think that when everyone turned

into power pellets, it was a solar flare. And I just wrote my notes. Why does every Christian movie think we'll think it's a solar flare What about us makes people think that we're gonna think people vanishing as a solar flare? Yeah, can you name the last solar flare? Is that something? Yeah, oh, it's all the time solar flare I can't name the last solar flare that made people disappear I can't name the last solar flare that made people disappear. Who's that? Right, and I also love it during this scene. His Bible is sticking out of the top of his backpack. So he's just gonna rip it out.

Yeah, right, I guess. And also, she drops the boyfriend comment here, like, wait, wait, they clearly like didn't fuck her hands, I would have lived the night before and she did not comment. She's like, oh, yeah, my boyfriend and me were. It was so quick that I was suddenly I have a boyfriend and then she gives the whole, well, teach me then line again. And then I guess he does at this point like agree,

okay, now I'll teach you the secrets of Jesus. She's like, what is it saying your book? He's like, that I can rape you for 50 shackles. Right, he takes out the Bible and she goes, what does it say? And I wrote in my notes, bats or birds, that's what it says. Well, right, and notice in this scene, how deep into the Bible he has to open

to read her a good news. His cake goes all the way to like, Matthew or something like that. He's like, it's not like he can get started with page one. Yeah, he tries to get away with like, I'll just find a good line from later on. She's like, I don't get it. Let's start from the beginning. He's like, oh fuck. Okay. Oh damn it But this is essentially him admitting the whole thing makes sense because she says teach me to believe and he's like Well, I can't really I mean I can tell you what it says in here

But it's kind of you have to do the rest and she's like what does it say and I feel like he should say Oh, you don't want to know just you, oh, you don't want to know. Just, you don't want to know. Just believe. You don't read the, just, and then it just says three hours later. And she's like, wait, who begat? LeMette? What was that?

I had the same thing. They had to cut away after he read the first good sentence because it would have cut to her three hours later being like, oh my god god this book is fucking boring. Yeah, it just got back to the meme where there's skeletons like still holding the book for me. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Well, because then yeah, they cut away from the scene with him like reading from the beginning and then they move ahead like they cut immediately to he's got that he's put the book away

and now he's just making shit up and I'm like that's how much of that book you can read on a fucking movie before it's like okay yeah no that doesn't none of that makes any fucking sense at all uh... but eventually they they get enough jesus shoehorned into that uh... scene to let us move to the next action sequence which will happen at the flea market to the music that are no short-send i'm masturbates to i wrote music notes the robots are marching once again more strictly one at a time fighting one at a time everyone do not

know more than one at a time yeah exactly and i want to point out too that it in none of these fights is do we ever see david a r white make two consecutive motions in a single cut even when he spins around, just spinning around, you get two cuts of the spin around. It's doubly true. Also, by the way, one of the guys he fights here is fantastic.

He has literally a Flintstones Tomahawk. This is weapon. He has, seriously, it's the knee hammer the doctor had for reflexes on the Flintstones. And he's fighting him with it. It fantastic to try and go rock tape to a state his back story more interesting than this one i'm sure so now sort of a scottish uh... he comes out of his head very much clearly blowing the big guy he's

wearing knee pads okay walks out of a fucking tent just him in the big guy he's wearing knee pads, okay, he walks out of a fucking tent he just hit him in the big guy he was clearly blowing the big guy in there um, and then he sends the big guy to take care of um, David A.R. White. And, and by the way from Scottish he then transitions to I believe Portuguese and then he's from Brooklyn. Yep. And then he was Scarface. At one point in his accent, he said, this is the worst accent anyone's ever done it one point He said territories the word territories as tada dotties like just

And then he closes it with a mr. Miyagi Amazing amazing And he pulls out the mr. Miyagi once his big henchmen or whatever is subdued David air White again, he lost a fight sufficiently for him to offer to trade Sophia for the car Which honestly that's a great deal Sophia is not worth a car Even a little like a fucking Pinto But but he won't trade Saffio away, so they decide instead he's going to do post-apocalyptic fight club against the three least threatening people he possibly imagined.

So basically he agrees to fight Kevin Sorbo's gang, and they all have normal outfits except they're wearing blankets on their shoulders. One of the guys is literally just a bandana over his face with sunglasses and a chain around his neck. And it's like what time does fight clubs start? Well, whenever they need it too in the movie movie like exactly now is when fight club was scheduled Yeah, yeah, basically generally whenever a guy comes in and tries to take the car and it's pretty It looks like you can fight people one at a time. So he fights a bunch of plus size Abercrombie Manning Every single fighter swings his fist like three feet above David A. R. White's already ducking in head. Just maybe don't do that. Maybe swing a little lower. It's the 70th time that

he just easily ducks below a 10 foot punch. Like, uh, if you watch this fight scene, you would think that David R. White's super power is to make people think he's three feet taller than me. And the sound effect of the punches that are not landing, by the way, but the sound effect of these punches, anyway, it might as well be the same as the giant hammer from Punchland. Oh, right. Bunking. Yeah, and you get to dig like not only the punch sound, if a punch lands, but you get

like the swing sound, which is, you know, he's doing your the most a good berserk attack and while Sophia is watching this she is soaking wet so yeah yeah this so more aroused than me watching 3 13 year olds chicken fight nappel like there is no comparison oh man not until they put that video that guy cut in his balls off with scissors on the internet have has anyone been so aroused as me and Sophia I Have nowhere to go Another break

Right make up. Can you write another interstitial just just to we just gotta get out Me and Thomas are gonna watch that video during the prank. Oh, of course So one at a time he takes care of the not particularly intimidating guys that he already beat earlier And then Sorbo decides to change the deal and make him fight the big guy at the end after he's already fought these other guys and that's not fair. Yeah. Well, and what we've learned is if you're about four inches taller than everyone, you are invincible.

Like it doesn't, the big guy is, it doesn't matter how big you are, David A.R. White punches him in the face and the guy doesn't move his face doesn't move like it takes a full yet he doesn't react is even grinning grimace is just like now i don't i don't recognize your punch i don't know what you're this is a movie trope but it's also it's especially badly done here the like if you're tall enough

no amount of yeah also takes a pipe and hits him in the head and that's it. Multiple times. He's fine. And also I'm sorry is the good guy supposed to pick up a pipe first? Yeah, yeah. I'm not a weapons rules because actually one of the earlier guys had a chain and it's

like oh you can just have a chance. What are the rules of this fight club? I know we don't like to talk about fight club but like what are the rules beyond that because then at some point in the fight with the giant invincible guy There's a table full of weapons that are like barbed wire and like all this shit Could they have used those the whole time? I understand well, and that's the thing too is he walks up to a table filled with like spiked Macy's and he picks up a pipe It picks up like a fly swatter. Yeah, exactly.

He realizes none of that's going to work. So it's time for kick you in the ankle over an over a cat. Low leg kicks and then followed by the the phone pole. Both of you. He discovered this was the one guy not wearing shin pads and he's like, oh shit. No, we all supposed to wear shin pads. This is why the human body's biggest weakness. And also, of course, this is where he notices that belt face man is about to stab Sophia, but he has to like line his knife up menacingly for several

minutes. It's got to make sure he's calibrated the knife. He's like turning the dials on the knife. Should I stab her now? Let me game it a little bit more. I think I'm going to starboard with a seven. I'm going to stab her with a seven. Yeah, let me dial it down. I'm going to sharpen it first.

Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, I just realized we skipped over the most important scene in the movie which is before this fight scene kevin sorba comes up to david our white and says like hey man so you feel good for this fight and he's like and then david our white goes where's your accent he goes oh i don't have an accent i was the drama coach at the community college yeah i bet that's a laid-back the. I was going to say that exact thing.

This was like a certain point. The director is like, we can't have this act. Just me different. Your accent is so bad. Just cut this in. Like just cut it in somewhere that this is fake. Yeah, we already filmed all of those scenes at the at the farm and we're not going back. Which made me realize that Kevin Sorbo and David R. White are probably acting rivals in some way, because I could see the two actors like David R. White being like, I'm actually being really serious right now, Kevin, so if you could like stay in character and Kevin was like, I was Hercules. You remember when I was in real movies?

You were a secondary character on evening shade. Come on, bro. Normal people have seen me. That's all I'm saying They know my name and everything I was a drama coach people love an accent want to see the accents I can do I'm gonna do them in your movie music don't Kevin just do a normal voice I'm doing an accent you got to write a whole scene about how cool my accent is Sorry, I just needed to mention that no, yeah, yeah We definitely didn't want to pass through that.

So he throws the hammer and knocks out Scarface. Yeah, exactly. And then he jumps in the car and Kevin Sorbessley, you're not gonna make it very far without these keys, but luckily he has a secret hot wire box in his car. Those are usually, you want to keep those hands. Is he known to hot wire car, you just put two wires together, like your car. Oh yeah, and then any two wires will do. two wires will just blow dry with a hairdryer the whole thing. You

just put a book in it to keep the cartridge down sometimes. But yeah, so unfortunately though they make their getaway but there's not enough gas to get all the way to wherever the fuck they're going. So they have to pull over to the side of the road. This time there's not even a thing. This time he's just pulling over because he likes to do that. Yeah, out of habit. Oh, oh shit.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that. Oh, sorry, I'm just so used to pulling over. We're not doing that now. And she's like, why? And he's like, oh, we're leaking fuel. But where did that schizophrenic guy say we were supposed to be? And she was like three miles that way.

And he's like, huh, right. Convenient that everything's so centrally located and post-apocalypse desertscape. We're old, but that's not. Fuck. And then also, okay, so this is also where he goes like, because the bad guys are following him in their humvees, because God damn it, they're going to get some use out of those humvees. And he's like, basically, he's like, you know what, fuck all this Jesus nonsense. I just happen to have this gigantic, gallant gun in my trunk. I'm gonna shoot him with this.

And my music note for this scene is someone's trying to convince David our white not to shoot Kevin Sorbo. Mine was for the less less than the price of a cup of coffee. You could save this puppy. So yeah, I wrote. I'm really glad they made the children's aid society. Really glad. I'm really glad they made the children's aid society. So she's basically given him the there's always a better speech or always a better way speech that he gave her earlier So he thinks better of it and decides not to shoot him which is great because it turns out That they're invisible at the moment because there's a homeless black man peeing behind Homeless Jesus there? Not quite, not quite, but yeah, apparently he had lent

his invisibility cloak powers to the black guy. So they just drive by and they're like, can they not see us? And I'm like, that is the weirdest fucking thing for you to think at this point. It must, like the more logical thing would be like, I guess they didn't care too much about us. Because we literally don't matter to the plot. Yeah right.

Right. Going elsewhere or something. But yeah now a black guy in a white snuggie shows up and offers to take him to the shepherd. It could not more clearly be a blanket. There is no blanket in this world for the next that is more clearly a blanket than what this man is wearing. He's wearing just a normal Brooks Brothers, like Brooks Brothers weave wool sweater and khakis and a blanket.

Yes, yes. Why is he wearing a blanket in the desert? We don't worry about things like that. The important thing though is that we have an opportunity to get more walking so we do and they walk to The compound of the shepherd and the compound of the shepherd were supposed to know it's different because they have apples and bread Miling right now in the end times Christians are gonna start a whole food so big These people they might as well have cornucopia is with baguettes sticking out of the top walking around. Yeah, I was just thinking every actor's internal monologue was boy, do we have a lot of different fresh produce here?

I can't even eat all this delicious godly fresh fruits and vegetables that we have here. Hey, do you want a bowl of grapes? Yeah, I'll trade you for those delicious apples and peaches and other things. I also love it. I'm sure the vegan in the audience was having a blast with this one too, when they're all sitting down for their meal, and it's just like an apple sitting on the plate, and a few grapes sitting on the plate. You know you can make foods with vegetables too, right?

Yeah, I'd hate to see the toilets at that compound. These are just a plate of trail mix. They bring over a bowl of grapes and she goes, I thought grapes had died out This is supposed to be two years after Well, there's no electricity Power yeah, well with the lesson is if they're all nice to each other So you see if you're just nice then food

Right so they go with the black guy into what could not more clearly be a Home Depot gardening department They I swear I saw one barcode sticker on one. Yeah, they're growing a bunch of flowers. I had gone with food myself, but you know, whatever. And then this girl walks in to ask George, who is the black guy, if he can help save her plant. And the only reason I mention that

is because she is the squeaky as human being on the face of the earth. Oh, Winnie Cooper. Yeah, early Winnie Cooper, right? That's her. Yeah, and she says, she says, can you help my plant? I've tried everything. So you watered it. Like, I tried band-aids, I tried CPR, I tried to get out of my audience. I put them in a pile of

next to her. Yeah, it's a pile of bills next to it. I tried sleeping with it. I guess just everything. So yeah, so like the shepherd magically heals the girls' planter, whatever they're like, hey, can you do that even with like stabbed girls from Act One? He's like, yes, but first we must discuss my backstory. Right. And his backstory is he was in a coma from his life of crime. Well, he says, yeah, a crime coma, I get it, I get it. Yeah, he's one of those drugs crime prison commas. That's what Christians think commas are like. Oh, he's just so bad and evil

sinning that he just slipped into a coma. Right. Which means that he woke up with these powers and that means Jesus was like, you know what? I'm going to use this rapist as my shepherd. This drug addict prison rapist. Yes. And apparently he has now Jesus memories. He remembers all the stuff that happened to Jesus. And he needs Josh's help to follow God's call. This is when we learn, holy shit. He's one of the fire breathing Jews. He's a fire breathing Jew. You know, we never get to see him breathe fire. What is a fire with the fire? Never breathe fire. It's very disciplined. He does give somebody an ice cream head.

Is this a spoiler from later in the Bible that I haven't gotten to? Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, man. Revelation. God is ruined it for me. There's a few references to that in the movie i do believe whatever i feel like they should have made a brief fire i mean that they had that bazooka effect from the yeah yeah great great to get used

by the way music note for this scene the sun sets over grand pappy's grave yeah right so what he needs josh's helped to get him to the Holy Land. And so Josh, do you want me to take you to the Holy Land? He's like, oh hell no, we don't have the budget for that. Just drop me off at the coast. And I'm thinking of myself like, you're out last.

Yeah, right, like the coast, that's away from the whole, like are you asking him to take you all the way to the East Coast? That's a lot different. Anyway, yeah, and he says he says oh no, just get me to the to the coast. God will provide me safe passage from there. It's like why can't he just do the safe passage for the whole way? He can't he's like no, I have to get there that myself.

It's a deal we have. I got a nice of ice like a co-pay. It's a 10% co-pay. Yeah, when you go on a cruise you have to fly to the cruise. It's a 10% coal. Yeah, when you go on a cruise, you have to fly to the cruise. It's like that. So they walk outside and apparently time passes very quickly when you're talking to brother George. Yeah, it's like a black hole.

I'm sorry, an African American. But they need to do that in post because he comes out and it's exactly the same brightness as it was. And he just says, what time is it? Like he's confused. I had no idea what he was talking about because it was just as sunny and the guy's like, oh, yeah, it's about the sun's about to set. It's fucking high noon.

The lighting is so dumb. Now, and keep in mind that so far in this day, they've like gone to the bazaar and he did the big fight club thing and then they walked all the way here. So yeah, right, right, it should be the next day of the night. Nice little Saturday. They went to Home Depot even. Yeah. They really did. Exactly.

Home Depot was still open so you can tell by their hours. And then then the Asian guy pulls out this tracker from the car and he's like, hey, what's this tracker? And then immediately the bad guys are there yeah actually by the way um zack morris used that exact same tracking device on mr. belting you know season four i believe it's only slightly less subtle than the one that batman used in batman for

yeah right right exactly so then mr. clean shows up for the shaper he's like i the shaper runs up he's like i'm here i surrender and i've got my notes breathe fire breathe fire breathe fire we know you can we've seen this in other apocalypse movies use out of a bitch but he doesn't he doesn't know he doesn't very upsetting and then mister clean shoots Josh twice and he dies reshoot some in the chest and Josh does this like must

unshoot myself well and the poor, I felt really bad for that guy. Oh, we don't even give a shit about that guy. Yeah. Now, of course, the shepherdin can heal people. So he like leans down and we're like, oh, he's going to heal Josh. But instead, he just says, have faith in God's plan. And then he leans. That's what the like con artist cult

leader says when shit starts hitting the fan. Oh no, this is all fine. Just it's fine. Just God's plan. I'm right. Right. Yeah. Give me your last few dollars. I'm just out here. I'll be out of your way, but trust God's plan. So then we got to Mr. Drake, um, a Terry Moore pages out of Bibles. Apparently now they have the shepherd chain to the forklift like Jesus. I just wanted one of the henchmen to be like, uh, we use that forklift. Wait, this is a working, uh, hence the warehouse. What do you think? What do you think all this money comes from?

We're moving boxes around the ULC. There's like, come on, man, we should just install some shackles at this point. If we've got to chain two people to the forklift in three days, obviously we just needacken. Can we just get a second one at least a second forklift then? Yes. And so basically we now cut to David R. White who wakes up next to homeless Jesus for movies one and two. Yeah, Charlie Jesus. Yeah. Charlie Jesus. And I wrote my notes here. I realized Charlie Jesus looks like an escort bad client list just came to And so he basically he turns to Jesus and he's like oh shepherd heals me and he's like no No, God didn't Whatever man, you're kind of you kind of bitchy about that and now we have the weirdest scene ever because he turns to him and he goes

If you take my hand you can go to heaven. And David, our white is like, no, the people need me. And he's like, no, it doesn't matter. No matter what you do, if you're not make any difference, the prophecy will come true. There are no least love stories. The story doesn't matter. And David, our white is like legitimately pissed. He's like's like wait now you want to take me to have and I obviously can't you keep Killing teenage girls like stabbing To get me into the guys like I know I know I know I didn't forget they still relate to the plot we're gonna get back to that I love when he's having a conversation with the all-knowing God who created everything

and knows what, like, my conversation that would be, would just be, okay, just tell me what to do. Just tell me the, I didn't know everything. I think I have it with the fuckers up with fleas. That would be my first question. Yeah, after that. He knows everything.

Just be like, what do you want me to do? Just, you know the perfect thing to do. I'll just do that. Why are you fucking towing with me? Like, just tell me whatever. I'll do whatever. Like, I'm so annoying. He. He's all knowing. Why is he asking him questions? Right. Oh, you're getting warmer. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So, so yeah. But what we're supposed to learn here is that David A.R.

Whitt has the choice to go to heaven and be with his wife and his kid or to stay on the earth and help more people find Jesus in the end times. Right. And instead of taking Jesus's hand, he does like the fake handshake hair smooth thing to Jesus with weird choice. No, Jesus. I don't feel like David A.R. White should be taller than our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Is this just me? I don't know. It's weird, isn't it? I like a big Jesus. They did that in risen. They got a really tall Jesus. I like that. I like the North Korean Jesus, the one who is all jacked. I like him the pre-work

And then remember how I said this guy's actually like 60 and he looks really young Well, I found out how they did that because when he moves his arms They're like it looks like John McCain trying to move his arms and they just bundled him up into what looks like a nice healthy body, but really it's like the Skexies from the dark crystal Bundled up that's how they did it our first Skexies, right? I love it. Oh So now we cut to the blockade Where apparently David airwets coming to save the fire breath in june

and i wrote my notes now we get to find out if they have the money to run a toe truck into a thing and they did not know it is just a sound effect we have a sound effect and then we cut they come down and that nothing is damaged no yeah it's not even a scratch at the front is just nothing happened right and and also i guess what we're supposed to believe

that David A. R. Wait was in this truck when it crashed at 90 miles an hour and then snuck out before they could get anyway. But yeah, now he's not in the truck, he sneaks up behind him. And just before they can push the, you know, gate alarm press in case of good guys button. Press here to foil protagonist in tape.

Oh, right. Breaking the case of good guy. Yeah. good guys button press here to foil protagonist in tape Breaking the case of good guy. Yeah, and and so he takes that bad guy out And then he goes to where they're holding the shepherd and counts the bad guys like this is Sesame Street And this rapture movie was brought to us by the number eight Yeah, I had the same thing of like he counts the bad guys as though that matters somehow I guess whatever it is he's gonna just go he yanked that one down Yeah, it could be 400 bad guys it wouldn't matter. They just be okay on behind that one now and behind that one right But there's eight there's eight henchmen spread out all over There's eight henchmen spread out all over. Hey, and he basically just does one roundhouse kick

and they're all in a pile. All of a sudden, yeah. It's like, like John Hamm. He gets him all with a stealth regret. But favorite is the one where he's beating the guy up and then another henchman comes and he's like, oh, here, help me with this. Like, what is he pretending he's one of the henchmen?

Yup, and the guy's like, sure, what did you want? I wanted you to go to sleep karate chop Which means it's time for David our white calls out Drake by going So you have a show down at high noon. Yes To which we they have the least interesting gunfight ever It's just they're just running around the car. It's like nine-year-olds playing paintball. And there's random bullet holes appearing

and then disappearing because the after-effects wears off. Oh, yeah, that thing, exactly, where you hit a window and it just goes, pitchink, and that's it. Yeah, it makes the sound. It's a black hole, like a window. But then everyone runs out of bullets, so it's time for Vincent de Nafrio to fight David R. White and so Vincent de Nafrio gets like machete. Yes, yeah, it's a machete versus an unloaded shotgun. Yeah, he makes sure to swing it a good

seven feet above David A.R. White's head. Good attack strategy. Just oh I'm gonna I hope you don't jump right when I Swing this otherwise I'm definitely gonna kill you but David R. White smart he does the log roll dodge at that point So he's extra down low extra down low to log roll dodging and then he does a log roll attack as well That is a really a Charlie Chaplin fight Yeah, I thought that something was on fire and he was just stopped dropping and then he just he feebly rolls toward Mr. Clean and that somehow causes him to trip in real life you were just like yeah landed on his shins and be like what were you doing you think that was gonna do? Shop you up with the sword now that you're laying on the ground in front of me.

David Arwayne has the same special moves as Voldo from Soul Calibur. I thought he's a little bit of Vega in there too. in front of me. David Arwayne has the same special moves as Voldo from Soul Calibur, from the fondness. A little bit of Vega in there too. And then he finishes him off with a arm bar submission where Mr. Kling just falls asleep. That's how it works. To the Vieta. Yeah, but they just go,

breaks his arm to death. Yeah, right. The guy who dies because of this. I loved the moment where he's trying to get into the arm bar. Jay Marwite just like slowly maneuvering his crotch into the refrigerator space with a lot of help. Yeah, I know. Well, yeah, my jujitsu sensei said, okay, I make sure to,

he's like, I'm, give me a minute. I wanna make sure I get my technique right. He's looking at a copy of Black Belt magazine. He has it. Hold on, hold Black belt magazine. So there's also this one moment there that I absolutely love. Okay, so they, while they're having this fight, like basically Josh has a shotgun that he's blocking the machete with, all right. And at one point he has to do like sort of a jump shoulder roll kind of thing. But once he does, he obviously cannot get up with both hands still on the shotgun So he starts to get up falls backwards in the shotguns. So yeah, that was so good

The whole movie's worth watching just for that moment because they literally had him falling back on his ass there I want that deleted scene so fucking bad Now okay, so now that mr. Clean is dead from the arm bar. Yeah, he submitted to dad. We get fake explosion because the mayor comes out with a bazooka. Yeah, right. He's going to shoot raiders. One guy with a bazooka. And at one point, he points the bazooka you can completely see through the chambers Yes, yes, you can a full view through it The graphics and the blow up are so bad in this scene that the sci-fi channel would have been like come on guys We can do that right

They might as well have just had a guy hold a picture of fire in front of the buildings like just had a guy hold a picture of fire in front of the buildings like the paper clip came back and was like oh I see you want some like red explosion clip art here I'll put it here. Yeah. So then the like Sophia escapes and but he's buried under rubble luckily that doesn't hurt him in any way. The fact that a building exploded on top of him. A building collapsed and she's like, hey, you okay? And he's like, what did I drink last night?

Am I right? And it's like, I expected the studio audience to laugh at that. Yeah, she says, are you in one piece? And I wanted him to just say, no, there's another, like, my legs are separated for me. A building fell on me. Are you crazy? No, I'm in two pieces.

So apparently they're taking the shepherd to the airfield, and now they've got to give chase, except where there's not a chase scene, they just get in a car, and then you see them showing up at the airfield. Yeah. They just show up, and the head tattoo people, the LL Bean models, get out,

and Shepherd does the like, and you think he's gonna blow their heads up like scanners. I was like, oh my god, he's gonna blow their heads up like scanners. But instead they're just like, ow, ow. Yeah, my I hate jams. The power to cause slight discomfort to tattoos. That's his power.

So if the, if Satan didn't do the 666 tattoo thing the bad guys would have won here Right, yeah, I think I've run some antibiotics for that headache. People would have prevailed My favorite thing about these guys is they always get out of a plane that was so obviously not just flying Like it would not have been more not flying It's like in a weird corner of the runway. There's no room There's no way I could have landed there. That's so funny. Yeah, and I'm thinking we get the exact same plane and all the Christian movies too. Yep, CREFLO dollars old plane. Yeah.

So we cut back to the sick girl and again this entire movie has been about healing this fucking teenager and the shepherds over her and he's like, did you heal her and he's like, nope, sorry, no more healing. Well, yeah, no, he's like, well, the rest is up to her and then we cut and she's talking to Jesus and she's like, nah, I don't want to live, never mind. What the fuck the whole movie was this? Yeah, exactly. So she's talking to the fucking Charlie Jesus that fondles undroped testicles dude this guy is so not Jesus and and yeah yeah yeah exactly spring and sketchy back then

then yeah so the little girls talking with Jesus and she's like he's like well if you want you can just go to heaven and be with your family and everything or you Can stay here and post box lips hell scape and she's like no, I think I want to you want to hang out with my family He's like okay, and there's literally a moment where she goes will they be okay? And he goes who cares? Let's go to big rock candy mountain Yeah Yeah, it's should they everyone just be hoping they die like what I think Jesus lets her in on the secret like no You don't have to stay here you could just die And she's like oh, oh I can just die. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, that's fine. Yeah, and what are we doing here? One of his exact lines

He goes these end times are hard. Yeah Times damn it. I have to say time I have that totally in my notes Same exact like these hard these end of times are hard times. Yeah, you caused it Yeah, but like okay, but like the girl died everything was useless. There were never any stakes in this movie No, they were not and to really double down on that for the finale of this movie We cut to them at the coast where when a fuck that is is. Yeah, right, right. Look like Lake Michigan, yeah. And he and Sophia have the most boring,

less interesting conversation you could possibly imagine. Where he's basically like, stay with me. And she's like, go with me. And he's like, stay with me. And they're like, all right, fuck. Come up with any reason. No! They're both like, oh, I feel like I should go.

And then he's like, well, I feel like I should stay. So there's our conflict, everybody. That's kind of, I kind of, I, yeah, not a single reason, just, I kind of think, no, I'm not gonna, like, yeah, because he's like, well, why do you have to go? She's like, I feel like I need to see this through. That's it.

That's okay. Fine. Why doesn't he feel like he needs to see it through? They can just as easily. And the guy already told us that God was gonna get him safe passage from here. So there's it. That's okay. Fine. Why doesn't he feel like he needs to see it through? They could just as easily. And the guy already told us that God was going to get him safe passage from here. So there's that. Right. On an inexplicable cargo ship with an inexplicable captain. They just say like, yeah, we came to exactly the ocean. Like that's where we went. We went to the ocean. And there was just a cargo ship. So now, we held it like a cab. At first, at first, we were invisible, and they kept passing us.

And we didn't know what was going on. So it was because I was black. But I know we were invisible. But then I thought, then I thought, oh, maybe it's from one of the countries that has zero Christians. So for them, everything's fine. This whole time, right? No one got raptured.

The government's exactly the same. It's all intact. And it's like, yeah, we're just trying to do some commerce here. Let's go on over here. So yeah, so they leave and then he goes back up to his car where he finds the bonds. Sit on the car, he goes, Josh McMahon is your a hard man to find. Remember me, I was in the first two.

Remember, I had to change a heart again. I kind of want to be in part four. We can take this up now. Well my theory was, David A.R. White wanted him to be in the whole movie, but he's like, dude, I have a life, man, I can't just do infinite of the same movie over and over. I'm like sure. I guess I can do infinite of the same movie.

No, no, I can come in for the last two seconds, but I'm not gonna do this again. We've done it. We did this movie already Are you really? I thought it was kind of funny on the first one, but God deal You have a deal so with the promise of a buddy cop post-apocalyptic Bosn David A.R. White team up in part four I guess we're gonna wrap that one up

But I wanted to finish the trilogy off with a little bit of a best of So I have a couple of questions here. And if you guys don't mind, I'd like you to consider all three films when answering these questions. All right. So my first one is which was the best fight scene? Uh, I got to go with the slap fight in the hotel room from movie number one. All right.

All right. I'm going to go car versus motorcycle plus hammer. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. All right, all right. I'm gonna go car versus motorcycle plus hammer. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. That's a favorite. Oh, you took all the good ones. I'm gonna go with, I'm gonna go with feeble barrel roll. That's insane.

God, so good. I'm gonna go with, yeah, the fight move that was, ah, my heart, I fell down on the ground and rolled slowly and you trip for some reason alright and i have a sneak into the mission that everybody may have the same answer for this one but what was the best david air white could not possibly look less bad at scene oh uh... tramsam tramsam tramsam starts to go with uh david or white takes off his burqa to because he's about to go shoot those

very clearly white guys at the base in movie two. All right, all right, that's a good one. I'm going this movie. He's doing the arm bar on Walter White's brother-in-law, but he can't, he's just flailing around with his legs. Guys to help him. And the guys like, okay, I'll just die. If you don't, Mark really can't do this on bar. I'll just

tell you. See, I was sure everybody's gonna go with the unveils scene. I wait where they where they had a behind the plastic. I thought for sure. Oh, that's a good one. I would expect either that or the where he first walks out in the chart, Bruce blouse in the. Oh, that one's good too. Yeah, yeah, there's so many. It's impossible. Yeah. All right. And which moment made you a gaffal the loudest?

Kevin Sorbo dropping the accent and saying he's a drama teacher. For me, it was definitely the half second late, bink noise for the hammer. Definitely. And all the punches that missed. This is an unanswerable question You cannot there's just it's like if someone asks you what's the biggest shit you took your whole life? I don't know May 3rd 1999

I would have to say no that was mine you were telling me mine wait where you know I'm just kidding I would have to say it's the the bazooka it was just so amazing. It's so incredible I would have to say it's the the bazooka it was just so amazing it's so incredible the the seriously watch the bazooka scene everyone it's it's the best and for mine it's a no brainer it's it's the boss yelling after he builds his hammer that was and and finally which loose thread of the three films do you feel most deserves its own movie how Tom Hock guy got his Tom Hock? I'm gonna go with the Groundhog Day Inception Norman Bates grandma lady that never got

exposed. That'd be a good one. At all. The time travel in the movie, not a big deal. Here's how bad these movies are. I don't remember what happened to Dexter's sister. Did she just kind of locked her off at the end of the second one. Yeah, she knew who she was and where she was going. She assured. So I guess that, I don't know, maybe that. I

mean, nothing deserves its own mood. Well, okay, how about the old-timey pirate pistol still. Yeah. What chest, what chest of booty did you find? It was in the car. I'll use the community. Yeah, right. All right, well, Thomas, I think I speak on behalf of Eli Heath and the entire audience. When I say we really appreciate you sticking through the whole trilogy with us and look forward to having you back in the future, bro. Oh, thank you so much. It was a dream come true. I'll see you guys for part four whenever that is and uh... i i i can't thank you enough it was super fun awesome and again of course if you want to hear more of tomas you can hear him on comedy shoe shine athiastically

speaking and tomas in the bible all of which will be linked on the show notes for this episode tomas thanks once more sir thank you yeah i i recognize you're gonna miss me it's been three weeks together people get used to people you know you're gonna but just you know atheistically speaking comedy shoes. That's where you can find me There you go and well that does it for our review of the black rider We don't know which side of the colon the subtitle goes on that's not gonna do it for our episode just yet Because we still need to tease you a little for next week. So Eli tell us what's on deck Vultures of horror

And I got to say it looks like the Christians are gonna try to outdo international for really. This looks so, okay, so we should note that like as near as we can tell, there's not really a trailer. There's the beginning of the movie, which is sort of a trailer for the movie, but so what I did is I just pulled up, it's free on YouTube. I pulled it up and watched like three random clips and this is going to be the most boring thing We've ever fucking sat through. Yeah, so there's six of them. We're not gonna watch all six in a row

No, I need to live I need to live and have a I can't take my own life this way. That's not how it is So we're gonna space them out over a lifetime hopefully gonna space them out over a lifetime hopefully. But this is a Nollywood movie. It's made in Nigeria and it's apparently about, according to the YouTube description, it's about two young boys who start to worship Satan and their Christian mother who needs to free them from a witch doctor. Okay. What I saw from the little bits that I watched is it's about two or three people sitting next to each other for extraordinary long periods of time talking. Yeah, I mean like there were literally spots where I skipped seven minutes ahead and it was still the same scene with the same three people sitting in the same three positions. It looks like it's gonna be a blast. Well, yeah, we haven't done anything nolly wood before this should be an interesting endeavor

Yeah, when I searched Google for the trailer, it just said really I'm feeling lucky no you are not You should call this number you need to talk with somebody did Vladimir Putin send you So with all that to look for a'll bring episode 36 to a merciful close. Once again a huge thanks to Thomas Smith of Comedy, Shushan and atheistically speaking for powering through the entire trilogy with us and a huge thanks to all the new Patreon donors and the old ones that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can go per episode donation at patreon.com-slashgotoffle

and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nick Veeville, Drafts on Mars, and what's used with permission?

If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show on this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for you then write knee-liboznik I'm no illusions promise and work hard to earn another chunk next week and tell them we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Don't you want to go down David O'Wing. Sophia and Morpheus in a blanket were captured by Somali pirates. Noah forgot to write this part this week. Sorry. noah forgot to write this part this week sorry those two people in the airplane went back to their terrifying LLB catalog that they came from

there was a happy ending after all take my hand and you shall see your wife and daughter again I wish I could but they need me here. The shepherds. You are not needed. God will find a way no matter what. Well, what if I won't want the burden, huh? Well, well then that's totally fine. Again, as I said, since the prophecy is true, absolutely nothing you do matters. So like, you know, come to heaven, don't, It's up to you. It's all just a weird puppet show You do not matter nothing you do matters heaven Okay, I'll do it. I'll stay and fight. Nobody cares