God Awful Movies - 361: The Prince of Egypt

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

This week, the gang teams up for an atheist review of The Prince of Egypt, and prove that no amount of all-star cast can make up for the source material the Bible gives movie makers to work with. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And then like a galactic vagina opens up in the sky and blows white wisps over the land. Hey guys, how do you want to depict the Angel of Death in our animated children's movie? I was thinking glow in the dark, come, come, I was just saying come, say good weekend news. Like if the ghost of all the come could do all the murder. We are really synced up today on ideas. I love this. Put it in the movie for children. God awful movie. Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Let my people go. Let's do this. All right. Very excited and sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli

How are you this fine afternoons sir? I'm Fantastic Noah. Are you really our listener base has been explained to me the last puzzle piece is fallen into place I Understand so much that I didn't understand before. All right, so to get us there, tell us it's just we'll be breaking down today. We watched something that apparently Eli learned a lot from. I'm very interested to see how that works. We watched the Prince of Egypt. It's an animated movie for kids about genocide,

like just that. But don't worry, it's a musical too. So it is tasteful. Mettasible. In fantasy side film. Any like how bad was this movie? Well, if you can't believe the adult stuff they snuck into Disney movies of our childhood, just wait till you see what the fuck dream work. Okay, let me explain. Okay, people have asked us to do this movie for years and for years. I must admit I Ignored them. I was like isn't that like a major animated movie like someone's gonna be like oh, yeah, and then Moses does it like I'm I I mean, I just I watch this movie a

Gawk yeah, what are my last notes about this movie is I would like to apologize to every listener I ever thought was a weirdo you watch this this movie as a kid. You turned out fine. Yeah. No, I am fucking after watching this. I am flabbergasted by how many people wrote to us to say, oh, good luck finding any fault with that cinematic masterpiece. I think you guys have been off more than you can chew. Apparently a large contingent of our audience, either a, actually likes this movie or I,

and I think far more likely be, haven't seen it for decades and have a Heath with Boondock's Saints type relationship going on. That makes sense. I feel like that's probably it. A lot of people said they love this. That was weird. I got to experience this live in person.

My wife loved this movie as a little girl. In fact, she loved it so much that she tried growing up atheist. She like tried to believe in God afterwards. And she was like, this is stupid. So she was like, hey, like I know I usually don't care. I want to watch this one with you. And I just got to, my joy throughout this film was just turning to her to be like,

and you loved this movie. So shut up. I was like, that's, that's Kranna's musically talented. This is, and you loved this movie. So shut up, I was like, that's Kranas musically talented. This is the worst you just that alone makes this terrible. So fucking bad. All right, so there's anything you guys want to nominate for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with a worst worst actually worst worst

animation of ethnicity. Okay. And also just the choice of cast, but I'll focus on the animation. There's so many things this could be. And this is why it's just really problematic throughout, but it's them animating what they believed to be, what Egyptian people would look like in ancient Egypt time,

where we're, you know, early Bible times, Moses times, and also what the things Jewish people would look like. And they seem to think it's like white and black. Yep. Like those two things, and it's really problematic because they have like a, it seems like some of the animated characters have black face on. I don't even know exactly what that means. But it's really problematic. Why would you hear the white voices coming out of them? Yeah, that's so easy to see. There's also some noses in this movie

that would like to give a German cartoon a certain war war two pause. And then no, exactly. All right, so I was gonna go with, and I know what a big statement this has given what we've watched in the past, I'm just gonna go with best worst use of talent, right? The all star cast in this film is incredible. But over and over again, it'll be like, Oh, is that Helen Mirren for those four lines until someone else comes

in and sings a song with her character? Yeah. Weird. You know how like the South Park guys when they were starting early on would get like George Clooney to do now for a catch. Right. Yeah. It's that the animated film. Exactly. And I'm of course going to go with best worst. Now is a good time for a musical. There will be no moment in this movie where you go, well, of course, they wouldn't have a song now that a character won't immediately be like killing the baby. Yes. Okay, I think that's actually the number one. That might actually be one of the songs. Yeah. All right, well, this is based on the Bible, which means there's a lot of baby murder coming up in this episode. So

we're going to take a quick break and let you get in the right headspace for that. But when we come back, we'll dive into all the inexplicable cameos of the Prince of Egypt. Press him, press him, let's press him. You almost got it, but I know, I know. Hey, Eli, what's snow doing there? Oh, I gave him a rubber hot pocket and he's been trying to eat it for like 40 minutes. Why would you do that?

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Where do I sign up? If you go to get quip.com slash awful right now, you get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at get quip.com slash awful spelled G E T Q I P dot com slash awful quip. the good habits company Okay, but isn't giving Noah a rubber hot pocket like kind of mean Are you kidding? This is kept in busy all morning. I almost got it See yeah, okay, that's fair Seems happy right?

Dessie Right? That's it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Just no quick though, um, are we all white? Are we all white? Yes, I think we are like the entire cast of this movie that's titled, as you mentioned, the Prince of Egypt. I'm pretty sure it's an all white cast. I see Steve Martin, Martin Short, Sandy Bullock, Patrick Stewart. Like, hello.

Yeah. Is there any one person of color in this movie about the prince of Egypt? Do we have one? Um, we, we, oh, we got Danny Glover for a couple of lines in the second half. Oh, okay, that's fine then. I loved him and happy Gilmore. Right. So good. I love him and happy Gilmore right so good woke And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up basically apologizing for how much they had to fuck with a source material to get a g-writing on this thing Title card is like this is the exit of story believe it or not. We made it less genocide-y Sorry about that. It also says we believe this film is true to the essence, values, and integrity of Exodus. Integrity?

Yeah, what? Do you have integrity in that book? So not a penny more or a penny less for raping my daughter. I just also I got a fun piece of trivia here from Amazon. So apparently the entire cast and production team had a big fight over who would be the voice of God because they have really, you know, famous actors and all them are like, I want to be voice got. So they got to this big fight. And they actually landed on having everyone do it. And like alternate back and forth and rotate through and whisper all the God lines so that they could sort of make them sound similar. And eventually they realized that's fucking

dumb. And they had Val Kilmer do it. Right. Yeah. So he's the one, but you can hear the whisperers at certain moments. But Val Kilmer is also Moses. Yep. Right. So so he's the one, but you can hear the whisperers at certain moments. But Val Kilberus also moses. Yep. Right. So when he's talking to God, it becomes a fucking Bible piece theater sketch. Yeah. It's the only character who shouldn't have done the God voice. Yeah.

Right. That absolutely couldn't do the God voice. Yeah. To be fair though, if it had been Patrick Stewart, it would have been weirder because it would have been like, wait, the Pharaoh is going. Oh, yeah. At one point, Moses and God are harmonizing in a song.

Valchim was doing some kind of like throat singing. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Valchim was drinking a big glass of water while the scene's going on. Ha. Ha. Ha.

No, it's wine. All right. No, it's wine. All right. So yes, so we we started on some a historical enslaved Jews in Egypt building pyramids with the hopes of embarrassing historically impaired Republicans later, I guess. Yeah, there's lots of whipping in this children's movie like right away. We open on whipping. Yeah, and there's a song This is a song the first inappropriate moment for a song where they're basically singing like yo God This was not the fucking deal With it real good. Yeah, I also need to point out like we could talk this entire review for how bad this music is

Everything in this movie feels like something sound time gave up on halfway through the shower. They're like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. No, it's bullshit, huh? I'm just gonna. I had it down as Disney B side stuff. Yeah, for sure. All right, so then we resolve this into Moses' mom

secreting away baby Moses, right? Cause the Pharaoh is out to kill all the Jewish babies. Right. And we're seeing the whipping and the child murder in the background in the second scene of this children's movie. Yep. We go straight from whipping to baby murder. Yeah. It's quick. It's quick. Yeah. And mom has a song for that too. But yes, yes. She's like, Hey hey kids, there's a lot worse slaves. There's a lot of murderous shit going this sucks here. I have a song though.

Yeah, she sings that information to them. Well, it was weird as that like she's sneaking around while she's singing it. And I'm just like, shut up though. They can hear you. They're right behind you. Oh, one of the kids would be like, Hey, mom, can you just talk it instead of that?

Like it's hard to catch lyrics in a song sometimes? I feel like we need this information. We sing it when we get home. Okay, and this never occurred to me until literally watching this movie, but Putting your baby in a basket in the river is just killing your baby with extra steps. Yes Right. What did she think was gonna happen? The baby was gonna be a pirate? What did she think was gonna happen? The baby was gonna be a pirate? Yeah. I wonder what are the other kids to object to this too?

Be like, hey, can we get in a fucking basket and escape slavery too? Yeah. No, just Moses for some reason, go fuck yourself. Right. That's what happens. So, yes, so she puts Moses into his little basket. Says another river.

He has just a comical, like, rub gold burgui and series of adventures in little basket. So it's another river. He has just a comical, like, Rub Gold Berge and series of adventures in the basket. Yeah. I wanted so bad when they first launch it. It's like a huge deal. I wanted the basket to get like stuck in a read on the side and just be like, we got to push it immediately gets picked up by Egyptian. Oh, there's this great moment where it's like he floats underneath a bunch of monkeys and we realized how close we came to a religion where Moses was raised by the monkeys. Yeah. Such a veteran action story. Oh, much of the diverted right here.

Yeah, a shot. Even the lights plague makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Could have been a good musical. And then there's like crocodiles and hippos trying to chomp him. This point erot in my notes. Honestly, a baby in a basket has to be the crocodile version

of like an Ilavicado role, right? We're gonna be super psyched for that. Well, as he's getting jostled around, I'm like, he would be mush. He's got a little baby skull. This is a newborn, anyway. But somehow, he safely floats into the chamber where Pharaoh's daughter is.

Yeah. How does that happen? I know. What? It is the Nile River. Yes. The Nile River goes straight to a palace entrance, like it's a water park in Vegas, and it just goes right up to it. Flash cut to them being like, hey, Dave, I really appreciate you building this entrance thing.

You know, all the shit in the country now floats to my front door, right? Literally all... Right, so yeah. Shit. You ever get anything cool though? You know this thing floods a lot, right? So yeah, and also it's really weird. This is one that hadn't occurred to me till I actually watch it play out.

It's really weird to like find a baby at a basket and go, sweet, score. Yeah, right? Yeah, this one at the bus is like, founder, river, baby. We keep it now Yeah, this was the buzz. It's like founder, river, baby. We keep it now. This is mine. Yes. What the fuck?

And of course, our actual kid Ramsey is like, but you still love me too, right? And mom is like, sure, Rambo, whatever. I just also love this one. Just like when every other second child comes along. Yep. And then, okay. So then we get Moses and Ramsey.

We cut to them being adults. Moses and Ramsey, we cut to them being adults. Moses and Ramsey's are on chariots, being wacky, right? Haven't shenanigans. Yeah. A lot of joshin' around trying to murder each other with horses like for us to. Yeah. A lot of vehicular homicide attempts in their gentle ribbing. So yeah. So then they go in like a hot rod chariot race with each other. Yeah, really wanted the horses to take them to HR for all these dangerous shannnigans. Yeah, it's pretty messed up. They're doing crazy stuff that would kill the horses and them. I feel like horses would just stop and be like, no, right.

And I'm doing this one. What are you talking about? Would you be drift, Alan? You drift. Get off. Yeah. And of course, this is, they, they, they do a little gag here where Moses is shenanigans are the reason that the sphinx is missing its nose, guys.

It's like an Asop's fable, only about a story that people kill each other over. It's like a saying, these explains it all. Cool. Honestly, if the Bible had the sphinx lost its nose when Moses and his friend, the Pharaoh, we're doing Sherriot Parkour, it improves the block. Now, that's because all changes improve the Bible, but that is one that doesn't improve. You're right. You're right.

I'm with you. So, yeah, but of course, all of their shenanigans caused this wall to collapse, and there's like a sand avalanche, and it buries a bunch of human beings who would then just die, right? There would be hundreds and hundreds of pounds of sand on top of them. This huge crushing weight and no air to draw into their lungs. Right, but like slapstick die. Like, uh, DreamWorks Kids movie slapstick die. Exactly. No one dies if while they're being buried alive, you go,

whoa. Oh, my. I guess, yeah. So, yeah, so, but then we cut to Pharaoh fucking Patrick Stewart chewing them out for their chariot race. And we all just sit there and go, like, that's an awful black character for that white actor to be playing. This all of our notes throughout the movie are like another white actor.

We are running out of time. Dreamworks. Well, I was thinking about here because it's the dad, the Pharaoh scolding them for like, you know, fucking up the nose of the swings. All I could think of was like, yeah, I'd be in so much trouble. A very small sculpture got slightly chipped by me, my dad would be so much worse than the far right now. Absolutely. But Ramsey's is all pissed because he got chewed out because Moses got in trouble. So he wanders off and we get like Moses doing the whole. I want

to soda. You know, we get that in the next scene. You mad? Yeah. Ramzies, Ramzies, Ramzies, don't do that. And as Ramzies is saying, well, you know, the problem Moses is that you always get me in trouble by doing pointless shenanigans. Moses is doing some kind of wine-based prank shenanigans. We're gonna dump stuff on people.

Okay, but it's not even like a prank. He's just, he's like listening to his friend be like, I don't know. I feel like you're really sabotaging. He's just like, once I got to pour this shit on people. Yes. Okay. He, he, he fills up a bag with the wine from their thing, a wine, right? And then he drops it that I didn't do this with wine because, you know, why waste wine? But like giant garbage bag that you fill with water and then drop from multiple stories onto something down below. It is a really fun game. It's fun for everybody. Yeah. No, everybody enjoys that on an on a lens. The person who gets hit goes from completely dry to completely wet in zero seconds and it's crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

Interesting. And your claim is that everybody enjoys having that. Everyone involved. Everyone drunk at college enjoys this. Yes. Okay. So and of course, the victims of his wine prank are Pharaoh's Yes, men. This is Ho Teppin Hoi or Steve Martin and Martin short. Okay. Can I just take an aside to talk about these characters for a second? It's very clear that they were meant to be the comic relief and then they accidentally never wrote a single moment of comedy for the characters. No, you have these two brilliant comic actors and you give them absolutely nothing to do ever. They even have a song later together and there are no jokes in it. Yep. Insane. Yeah. So, but of course, so they do their wine dump thing and then

Moses and Ramses is like, Oh, I'm going to get serious and I'm not going to get in trouble anymore. And Moses is like, Oh, should I not mention then that we're late for the banquet? And then they have to run to the banquet. Really wanted like a back to the few dress beginning montage of him like skateboarding across the way to Slav. We basically just got that with chariots Eli. Yeah, we did need to be fair. Yeah.

So they get to the banquet and they're late and they're in trouble, but Steve Martin and Martin Short have a sex slave gift for Ramses. A sex slave comedy beat my friend. Yep. That's what we got going on here. They're like, oh, don't you have a gift for our son? And he's like, sure do pose a side this sheet. And it's like a kidnapped lady on a camel.

Okay. I feel like they were hedging it there, right? Like the guys are like, congratulations on being whatever prince of something. We got you a lady sex slave or camel, whichever you want to have sex with. But yeah, but so this is Zipra, right? Who will eventually be Moses's wife. We're only going to do the one wife in this one. And she's fighting back and they're really playing it for laughs, right?

They're really sure this is a Yuckfest. Yeah. Well, it's the classic, it's the feminist sex slave resisting the whole day. It's, it's what, it's funny. Wolf, fuck, it is a kids movie. Yeah. Yeah, and then of course, Moses subdues her by hilariously dropping her in water.

And then as she wanders off, he's like, well, I'm just kind of smitten with that sex slave now. Yup. So that's their, this is their meat cube in this film. Yup. I literally wrote, I literally wrote in my notes, the movie thinks that's a meat cube. Ha ha ha ha. So yeah, okay. And so yeah. And so of course all the palace guards are like, oh, Moses seems to like her. Take her to Moses's room.

Right. Which implies that they've brought sex slaves to his room before. I'm just gonna point that out. It sure does. It sure does no Lucians. So okay. So that night Moses returns to his chamber to presumably fuck his new sex slave yeah this is the comedy the comedy beat was like i'll be raping her later high nine year olds and below that was the recommended point so yes we get to his bed chamber but she isn't there she has escaped and left her guard tied up as a feminine sexy silhouette on his bed. It seems like a lot of effort when he's just going to pull back the curtain.

Right. Yeah, exactly. It could reveal and everything, but you're not even there to see it. What did they gain in that five seconds while he was walking to the curtain? Yeah. Yeah. Clear. Also, another thing that's unclear is that she's, she's tied this guy up with about 87 feet of rope. He had a couple of dogs. She's tied them up with rope as well. And then she tied bedsheets

together to climb out the window. I'm like, you had so much rope. Shit. All right. Well, I, I really origamied this guy up to make him look like a sexy lady. It feel weird to just like, you know, undo it and take your rest. So yeah, but then she sneaks out and Moses sees her sneaking away and actually helps her by distracting the guards, right? Because he's a good guy. A good, sexy slave owner. Yeah.

Whew. So she sneaks away and he runs after her, right? Cause he's a good stalker. He's a happy stalker, I guess. Yeah. But as he's doing so, he accidentally runs into his own brother and sister all grown up. This is Miriam and Aaron played by Sandra Bullock and Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. And this is just such, and it, well, first of all, we have to talk about how offensive the Jewish noses they've put on these cartoons since. These are some long and wide noses they've put on these cartoons, my friends. But this is such a clumsy scene because Sandra Bullock's last Jewish sister is like, oh,

there you are. Hey, you're our brother. Do you believe me right away? Right, right, and he's like, no, I don't, and Aaron is like, oh, well, since we could get executed for implying, otherwise, I guess we shouldn't imply otherwise, and she's like, fuck you,

I've already let the cat out of the bag, we're going all in. I am doubling down on this. Yeah. And then, and then, she sings the Jumon putting you in the basket lullaby. Yep. Which he recognizes. He was presumably days old.

Right. When he heard that. So that means that either mom kept singing the I'm putting my baby in a basket lullaby for years afterwards so that the family knew it or she always had a putting the baby in the basket lullaby and it was relevant at one time. I'm just more impressed that he remembers the damn thing. Yeah. And she must have liked sung it from out his window or something. Maybe this movie's a Scientology movie as well as a Jewish movie. Yeah, he remembers it from the womb. But that's when he realizes that he is actually a Jew and the son of a slave. And so he runs off and we get this like out of breath song that he sings about how it can't be

true. Yeah, he's in denial. We get fucked at. No, I'm not Jewish as a song. Yep. It's its own musical number. Also, just to talk about how sloppy the lyrics are for the music in this movie, here is a lyric from this song. If anybody doubts it, they couldn't be more wrong. And they're just all like that. Yeah. Yep. But yeah, he sings this whole song about how no, no, no, I'm a prince with Castles and temples and shit. I have cool stuff Fucking slave. Yeah, he literally at the end of the number he picks up his I guess Jew murdering sickle and he's like, but this is good or is it yeah? And then he falls asleep kind of mid song.

Mm-hmm. And this segues us into a hieroglyphic nightmare about the info dump that we already saw at the beginning of the movie. Right. Remember when there was infanticide? Yeah, we're gonna watch that again. Right, but Cartoony.

Extra cartoon. But yeah, the movie's already a cartoon. Yeah. Right now, now they're doing cartoon on easy mode. It's just like a construction paper now. That's like a PS5 cutscene being Mr. Game and Watch for no reason. Just in the middle of that. I have this a narrow guess that I don't mind. Well, also, so any wakes up right, he wakes up from this nightmare and he's like, oh, it can't be true. And it's like, well, I don't mind. Well, also, so any wakes up, right? He wakes up from the nightmare and he's like, oh, it can't be true. And it's like, well, it was a dream. So why would you think that it was?

But then he runs down stairs and he's just reading the mural that has a giant picture of babies being fed to alligators and goes, holy shit, this is about babies being fed to alligators. Okay. So just to be clear about this palace and this mural, the Pharaoh in charge of this, he hasn't done this yet. He hasn't murdered the babies with alligators, but he was like, hey, artist guy, I need you to paint the genocide of babies probably with alligators involved because I'm going to

do that. And I need a mural to already have me doing that. Well, he's already done that. That was when Moses was a baby that he did that. Yeah. Or he did it and then you like ran back to the palace and he was like, did you guys, did you guys mural the whole killing all those babes? Yeah. Do you want us to do it like cartoon?

No, do a big serious one. Do a serious. Yeah. You want us to paint your crime, your horrible war crime. Yeah. That you just did like serious. Yep. This is what the writers of this movie think Egyptians do. So yeah, just do it in we are Egyptian. Right. Did you finish me doing that painful diarrhea from last? I did. I did. You could see the blood. But also, okay. so Moses wakes up and he apparently knows right where the baby is being fed to alligator mirror was. Right? So that never struck him as a significant thing

you should pay attention to before. I got to ask my dad about that. Yeah. He's tough. But Pharaoh Picard shows up just at that moment. And he's like, yeah, I knew you were going to read that eventually because you know, it's a mirror on the wall of our home. It's really big. It's got babies being fed out. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting.

It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting.

It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. It's next to me, shitting. But yeah, no, he's like, you gotta show that so many spare babies too many spare babies Too many spare babies But he's like so does that mean that I was actually adopted the fairs like fucking what?

Why would that mean that? How does that those things are not even related so He leaves and then that we get like the next morning He's moping down by the river where he was found. Because he's Jewish. So yeah, somebody has to come up and be like, hey bud, you moping about finding out your Jewish. He's like, yes, it's so.

You know what it's like, find out your Jewish. And then he sings a song. Yeah. They sing a song that's basically sucks to be Jewish, but God might be Jewish. So, and now the song's over. That's it. I really wanted the queen to be like, I mean, you kind of had to see it come. Look how they drew you son. That's a very Jewish.

There's really two noses being animated in this movie, kiddo. Well, see, I wanted her because you'll see he's like, you know, oh, so you found me in that basket. I wanted to do the bastard and a basket thing from there will be blood because like, oooh, at least that would justify having a Helen Miran play the fucking role. Again, all of our notes are like, and Helen Miran, okay, not great, not, not closer to Egypt, Miss Miran. Well, and like most of the cameos in this movie, she has like three lines and then a song, but the song isn't actually sung by her. Right.

So we get Helen Mirin for three lines that could have been like the delivered by an AI. It's in Helen Mirin and Patrick Stewart are the opposite of Egypt, right? Like, and you go in with the opposite of Egypt. If you clack Helen Mirren and Val Kilmer together when you're in Egypt, you go home again. The country just goes into a whole, it's great. They transport you instantly.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what, the nine words Helen Mirren role was enough to depress me. So we're going to pause for another quick break. But we'll be back soon with even more of the Prince of Egypt. Hi, excuse me. Do you work here at this grocery store? Oh, no. No, I'm just wearing an apron with the store's name and logo because I'm a huge fan. Okay, relax. Whatever. Look, I just check the produce department and everything is

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That's more than 40 cups of coffee for free. Get started by taking their quiz at drinktraded.com slash awful. And let trade find you a coffee you'll love. That's drinktraded.com slash awful. $30 off. Ah man. Hey Greg. What?

We got to buy new apples. People found out about the coffee. No way. Yeah. Luchy close to the sun. No way. Yeah. Luchy close to the sun. I know, I know. Hey, Steve Allen, you guys have a second. Hey, DreamWorks Boss, what's up?

Yeah, how can we help? Well, first of all, I just wanna say how much I appreciate the fast turnaround you guys did on this script for the Prince of Egypt. That was good stuff. Oh, no problem. Yeah, it was always a pleasure to do. Yeah, for sure.

There's just one like teeny tiny note that I have. Oh, you hit us. Okay. So you feel like there's like a lot of murder in this children's animated film. But there's a lot of murder in the story. Right, yeah, no, obviously. But you guys made some pretty huge changes in the story, like as it is,

seems like you could cut, I don't know, some of the murder. Like do we need two separate baby murdering montages? Okay. Well, one of them is a flashback. Sure. Sure. But I think people get it the first time, right? Like they get the message of that.

We don't have to see it again. I feel like we have to see it again. You're super cool. Okay. All right. Well, what about the time Moses murders the guy? We can cut that, right? That's in the Bible. Sure. Yeah, but it doesn't affect the story. We could just not do that part. I really feel like we need that scene. Yeah, it's a no go from me. We need that scene. Ah, fine. fine. Okay, we'll keep the man slaughter scene, but can we at least cut the scene where the Pharaoh's kid dies? That's not in the Bible. And just incredibly obviously makes God the bad guy right there. There's absolutely no reason to put it in our children's cartoon. I mean, Moses does say he's sorry. Yeah.

And now he goes in for the shoulder pat and everything. Okay, that's not better. Okay, okay. I'll tell you what, Pharaoh can live. Oh, yeah, at the end of it all, after the first born ties when Pharaoh's whole army ties, God can spit Pharaoh back up under the shore to like, you know, show he's merciful.

You think Pharaoh's screaming over the death of his son and his nation can make God look merciful? Yeah. You know what? I'll take what I can get. Nice. Let's show this movie to some kids. Mess him right up.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open on Ramsey's land out of his new imperial vision, but Moses, the whole time, is noticing for the first time that being a slave kind of sucks. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Now that this could be me, I'm noticing this is bad and I wrote my notes, okay, maybe this guy is white after all.

Yeah, but Ramsey's just like, you couldn't be slavery is great. That's just how're going to get all of this shit built check it out But Moses he just he can't Handle watching this slave get whipped and so he starts screaming at the guy to stop right? Yeah, I feel like whipping is a bad way to motivate people to do their work more quickly Just like as a note. Yeah, especially a lot, you know, yeah, yeah. A little bit of whip. A little bit.

Yeah, right, right. One whip here and there, but yeah, but like you whip him a bunch and it's like, well, dude, I can't carry a rock now. I'm fucking getting whipped. So yeah, but Moses can't stand to watch it any longer. So he runs up to the guy and he tries to stop him from whipping the dude, but he accidentally knocks him off of this big scaffolding and kills him. Yeah, it feels like that could have just been a prince saying stop.

I'm the prince. Stop that. Yeah. It felt unnecessary. Like a physical altercation probably did not need to happen. Also, based on their prank so far, I find it really hard to believe that they haven't already murdered someone. This dramatic moment doesn't fly for me. I wrote the exact same thing. It's like that's way fewer people than they killed with those

chariot shenanigans at the beginning. But yeah, so Moses runs away. He's like, oh no, I've murdered a man and Ramses chases him down. He's like, oh, come on one little murder. I mean, what a weird. I just need to point out that's not in the Bible. What a weird thing to add to your children's movie. Like not to do. Sometimes you murder people. Everyone feels bad after their first murder, but then you sort of, you know, you internalizing your student. Right. Right. So, but he wonders, obviously, no, I'm a murderer. Now I've got to like go on to the second act and he's like and meanwhile Ramses is standing behind him yelling after him like trying to detect he you know it's very sad.

Mozaaad don't do this. I said you a TikTok. So then okay so we cut to Moses walking through the desert. And I'm like, oh, get used to that, bro. This would be a lot of that. And my nose, I just wrote like, oh, my God, it's like, we're watching the animator respond to a, well, nobody could animate every type of desert challenge.

Yeah. My music note here is, woman is unsure when to start singing Jewishly. He's like, Hachla schnurf. Oh, nope, sorry. I'm not sure. No, okay.

Do you tell me, will you point? Will you do like a singing? Hachla schnurf. Yeah, but he's giving up and he's like, he allows the sandstorm to take him. And but he also doesn't die. Like apparently in this movie's universe, people can just breathe sand.

Yeah, there's a lot of sand breathing. Yeah. But he gets he passes out or whatever and gets drug to this watering hole by a camel. Oh, it's the sloppiest plotting, right? He's like, he passes out. He is instantly hoisted by the hair, like by a camel. And then he grabs the camel, which am me like literally bodily takes him to a watering hole so you can be fine. Yep. Fucking camel X Machina. Might as well like unscrew the cap on the camel's hump and

start drinking water. No, you need a little straw like a Capri Sun. There's a little, it's hard to, stabs through. Oh, this is the worst. This is the, uh, so yeah, but then of course, this is the part where he sees the brigands that are messing with the girls trying to get water and he chases them off with his, well, in this movie with shenanigans again, because that's really his whole stick. He's got shenanigans. It's only brings to the table. It's just so sloppy plotted, great, because the point of this scene is to get him back with the sex slave lady that he let go.

It's a bright, yeah. Right. So they were like, okay, what if he buries himself in the desert, then the camel brings him to a watering hole. And while he's at that watering hole, he sees her younger cousins being bullied and it gauges like, maybe she's just at the watering hole. We don't need 97. That's how the Bible works. Yeah. Well, she's also not a sex slave beforehand in the Bible either because, you know, they didn't really develop characters, especially feet, man. Once back then. But yeah. And then he gets knocked. He falls into the well.

And then they have to get him out of the well and then zipper realizes it's him. So she sends him back down the well like a Persian diplomat or something. This is Judea. Or it will be anyway. Yeah. But so then we cut immediately from that to him in a tent being forcibly bathed by elderly women. Yes.

Okay. I don't feel like that happens in the Bible either. No, so this movie thinks that in Egyptian Jewish culture, of this time, random nomads and desert, get a pornographic sponge bath from a team of old women in the bill, a team of swat and they're fast too. They're like the fucking people when you pull over and a race car. Yeah, thank you. They've done this before. This is not their first rodeo. Yeah, they even get into the tailpipe. Yeah.

Well, okay. All right. Yeah, because he goes, ladies, you've already cleaned every inch of it. Whoa. Oh, maybe not. That's, that's a finger in his ass hole, right? Like, that's the joke we just made, right? At the very least, it's a knuckle to the perennium or in the peal. Oh, interesting. I'm a pe hole guy. Okay. All right. All right. Gross. What features out? You're fired. I don't know what's happening. I just have to go to Joe. Who know? So, yeah. So then I want to say I'm buying Heath as a P hole guy.com. You guys go ahead and do it. Okay. Okay. All right. And in a manner that would have been no less

jarring if you showed up in this fucking conversation, Danny Glover comes in. Danny Glover is going to play Jeff throw that's Moses's father in law for like four and a half seconds. Like as though someone was like, guys, um, we have no black actors involved with this movie right now, but the good news is you'll never guess why I saw hanging out at a subway sandwich shop down the street. Danny fucking get from happy Matt is exactly let's go see if he's willing to do this. Yeah, so it's just two sentences of Danny Glover and then he breaks into a song which again, it's not Danny Glover singing it. So he's he's done. It's the room they had on their answering machines worth of Danny Glover.

Exactly. And of course this song prompts a montage of Moses learning to be a simple shepherd and live a simple shepherd's life. And of course, Zippura forgiving him for sexually enslaving her at one point in her life and falling in love with him. Okay, the universe of what's happening to the people in the real movie and the song here was confusing to me. They're like in Egypt, they're trying to like build their tent city, but you know, they're nomads, so they're setting up the tents for the night. And then they're singing. up the tents for the night and then they're singing. And the song lasts through that night into the next morning and then into the next night. And then long enough for, I think,

Moses and Zipper to get married. Yeah, but that's just like at this point, that's just a negotiation with Danny Glover, right? It's just like, hey, man, I see you've got like five of these daughters. Yeah. And they kind of indicate that they have this weird moment where we see their shadows arguing with Danny Glover and a tent as though they're negotiating a price. Come on. You're breaking my balls. So yeah, but, but they get married mid song. And then the song fades out to Moses waking up with zipperipro some morning afterwards and going, like, hey, I'm going to go be a happy shepherd and love my job as I'm sure many shepherds did.

I just love the idea that movies always portray when they have a shepherd that most of shepherding is just like chilling with sheep. Like you've got to be there. Yeah. Shepherd that most of shepherding is just like chilling with sheep. Like you've got to be there. Yeah, like he even he walks out of his tent and he takes a deep breath. Ah, and I'm like, I bet shepherds don't do that. I feel like that's not a thing you do in that job. Couple weird ones too.

Okay, Mr. P. Holes has some judgment for the shit loving shepherds in our audience. So yeah, but he wanders off the shepherd and dammit if one of his lambs doesn't wander off in search of a plot device, right? The lamb is like, God, we have got to get this fucking moving going. Come on. So yes, we follow the sheep into a mysterious cave with some kind of burning bush. It isn't being consumed by the flames. There's nothing this movie does worse slash more hesitantly than very important imagery

from the Bible. They're just like, I don't know, probably like a like avatar thing, right? Purple, purple, glowy. Yeah, he like he puts his, his shepherd's crook into the fire. He's like, huh, that didn't catch on fire. And I'm like, well, what if it did, dude, then you wouldn't have a crook, you dumbass. Yeah, also this is like a big deal character

in all of Judaism and Christianity, right? He's like a prophet Moses. He walked into a cave that had smoke coming out of it and he was like, I'm going to check this out. That's what he's done right now. Well, and also he finds a fire and he's like, I wonder if this consumes wood. Why would you wonder? I mean, it doesn't in this case, but why would you wonder that? Is this hot to my hand if I hold a thing for a long time? No. Good. It's good. It wasn't. I feel like God was having major doubts in that moment. Right. He's like, Oh, man, I'm about to give this guy his heat touching

the fire. If it's hot, fuck. I should have done the sheep. I should have done the sheep. So yeah, so God whispers to Moses and tells him to take off his fucking shoes. Let me see them feet. Yeah, by the way, I did add Moses to wiki feet.com. Oh nice. Keep everything even. Excellent. We'll see if it gets through approval. They've got a strict team of perverts there.

Also weird how God reveals himself here. He doesn't say like, hey, I'm doing a guy. He's just like, hey, hey, guy who went into the smoke he gave and is hurting his hand right now. This pretty sweet, burning bush, right? And most is like, who are you that's whispering to me? And he says, the famous I am that I am thing. And most is like making sense. I'm God of the universe. Yeah, no, I'm gonna lead with that from now on. I'm God, I'm doing a thing.

I'm gonna tell you all about it. We watched God's pickup line fail. Yes. I wanted a flash cut to God on the phone with mystery being like, you said that would be a really solid opener, but then Moses was just like, what? And I feel like I really don't know what to do. Okay, I'm back. I'm back. I talked to my guy. Do you like magic?

Is that not any chance? Those sandals make you look fat. What? So yeah, so in and Moses was like, all right, guy, what do you want with me? And he's like, a half a movie. Like only I I really honestly not much at this point. He he he. Yeah, he's like, go free my people. I mean, they're enslaved because I'm mad at them and I can't emphasize this enough. I'm gonna do this literally dozens more times,

but free them. Okay. For now. Yeah, temporarily. And he's like, I'm promoting you to head of Jewishness. And he's like, I don't know if I'm qualified for that. And God's like, I'm fucking God. Quit your bitching.

All right. Okay. Yeah. But if you're God, like, can't you just do it? You're set your can't you just get now? Have them not be in slavery. Just do that. Like we're adding weeks.

I'm a, I'm a week and a half away at least. Even if I go straight there. Yeah. But God yells at him like an abusive boyfriend. I wrote my notes, yep, that's God, all right. Yeah. Yeah. And so he's about to leave and go,

I was like, oh, just so you know, I'm gonna have you kill a fuck ton of children before this is over. He's like, okay, good, great, okay. Then a line by the way that is accompanied by swelling strings in a hot choice. I'll be killing lots of babies. Okay. Yeah. And also God powers up his staff to full strength. We'll learn more about that

later. Of course. So he leaves the cake and he has the stray sheep. I love that he was able to keep his head in the game enough to be like, oh, and a sheep. And I holy mission and I still have a sheep out. He's walking out with the sheep, you know, statistically, it's much more likely that you just had a psychotic break in there. Okay, Larry. Okay. And yeah, so when he goes home and he tells Zipra all about his new holy mission and she's

like, yeah, sure, man, like what the hell? We're not going to have you a fucking look after sheep for the next 45 minutes, obviously. So they head off to Egypt, we get another slavery montage, but this time, you know, it's it's over set with Moses looking resolute. Yeah. So okay. So he shows up at the Pharaoh's court and everybody's like, oh shit, yo, that's this fucking Moses from the beginning of the movie and they're like, right, it is the that's fucking Moses from the beginning of the movie. And they're like, right, it is the brother. Yeah.

And he brings his wife, and I just want to point out, like, I know that this was this movie's attempt at 1990s feminism, but contextually, that's like bringing your goat to see the king. Yeah. Yeah. I like that they had this big dance thing going in the palace for the pharaoh. So it's like a big party. And they just,

I don't know, like knocked on the front door and we're like, we're gonna tell the pharaoh something and they let him in. And they're walking up and the pharaoh sees that somebody's going and he's like, all right, stop doing the ribbon dance, it's dumb now. Oh shit, Moses, what up? And they have like a brother's hanging out moment.

It's kind of fun. Yeah, they're very happy to see each other. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, big hugs. This meeting is going to go great. So, well, then Steve Martin and Martin short jump in and they're like, Hey, remember, he murdered somebody last time. And I wrote my notes at this point. I'm like, Jesus, comically relieved something already, guys. Please, one of you fart. One of you somebody something, anything. Rams is just like, yeah, I'm the fucking Pharaoh. I forgive him for that. No, he didn't.

Actually, I think the thing he says is I forgive him for every crime he's ever committed or will commit. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, that's going to come in handy. He's going to get a lot more mileage out of that than you intended. He's storming the capital if you want. Yeah. No, no, it's depressing. So yeah.

And he's like, actually, I was as great to see at all. I'm also happy to see you, but let my people leave now. Okay. I get that they've added this relationship dynamic to try and make this more interesting, but I think rewriting history so that Moses has his hands in his pocket and is kicking at the dust at his feet as he asks for him to let his people go. Kind of kills the overall. This is the best.

They go for like a nine beat on him, eventually learning to say let my people go in like the big chart and Hestie way. Yeah. Hestie anyway. So he's like, so just can you let my people go? I had to do it for me just. And then there's a long pause. And Pharaoh's like, oh, you get it.

I see you have that, where you're gonna do it like a big thing with your stick. I feel like you. All the way power up. Right, sorry, okay. Stick's a snake now. Yeah. Right, and he's like, and so then Pharaoh Ramsey

turns to Ho-Tep and Ho-Tep, to Steve Martin and Martin Shorten. he's like, you know, fucking music number him guys. Okay, Hoi Tepp and Toy, they spent a while hoping someone would come in and challenge them to a magic battle. This is their day. Yeah, I didn't even have a staff choreographed bit and everything and yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. I just wonder how many people came in and made requests to Pharaoh and they were just like, uh, uh, and they were like, so please, uh, fuck, all right, no, it's, everyone put the lightning pots away.

Fine, fine. It's, well, and it's, it's hyper specific, right? Because they're like, okay, you know, we don't have much, but if anybody ever comes in and turns his staff into a snake specifically, we've got a whole fucking number. Yeah. So, and of course, their steps in keeping with Bible also turn into snakes. Right.

They also have that power, but weaker snakes, because Moses is eats them. Okay, I know this is dream works and not Christianity, but what's the working theory here? Do they have lesser god powers? Yes, that's the Bible. That is the Bible, that is Christianity and Judaism. Okay, yeah, I guess.

That's the fucking story, yeah. So okay, but Ramzizus takes him into the back room for a more private discussion with no musical numbers. uh Moses now that you've lost the magic paddle you uh join me in the other room for a whisper fight. yeah right yeah exactly okay but we need more musical numbers for that like if we're i we should not have capital punishment but if we're gonna have it you should have to do a musical number absolutely. you know all of them at least you should have like yeah your last meal and your last musical number that should those should those should go together

Yeah, so but and and most of this is like look man You're dad killed a lot of babies and he's like oh, we're gonna bring that up again every fucking time We have a fight. It's like oh who's dad killed the most babies. Yes. It was mine. Whatever. Okay. I also like that Pharaoh's like I mean, I'm actually still killing people. It's it's a pretty much slavery involves a lot of murder. I get your point. I get your point. So he's like, yeah, but man, my God told me I had to come and save all the Jews. He's like, your God sucks. And I'm like, well, in Brimsley's defense, their God is obsessed with four skins, right? Like, so of all the gods, he's kind of the weird one. Your God doesn't even go here. And then he punishes him with, and I'm really excited to hear what the

fuck we think this is double slavery for the Jews. He's like, now that Jews slavery will be double until we're like, how the egg do you? What? They each own each other now too. I don't. What they each own each other now too. I don't All right, well before things get anywhere for the juice I suppose we should pause for one last break, but first let me give act to the hard sell Will the good guy murder kids to make a rhetorical point? Will the movies sufficiently shy away from that fact? Could the movies sufficiently shy away from that fact? I know the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the all the stuff

you could possibly be interested in happens at the very end conclusion of the Prince of Egypt. So who's turn is it to cook tonight? Let's see, it's Tuesday, so you. Oh, right. Nice. So what are you making? Right.

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Hello, fresh. America's number one meal kit. All right, dinner's ready. That is a Christmas ornament. Damn it. I'm sorry. No, no, I'm going to eat it. I'm just just saying. Crunchy. Your majesty, Moses approaches. You're Majesty, Moses approaches. Moses, my brother, at last you have returned. Right. About that. Moses, I see your mind is troubled, but hear me when I say you have nothing to fear here. Actually! For as the morning sun and star I do pardon you. For any crime you have committed or we'll commit okay

That's super nice, but for I desire all to know that this man is my brother and what comes from his mouth Is as much the law as what I say for he is my brother now Moses my brother what can I do for you? I'm My brother, what can I do for you? I'm uh... I'm here to take away your entire workforce under punishment of suffering and death. Oh you are? Yeah. Greg, can I speak to you for a second?

Uh, yes, Farah. Can we make a note that for future meetings like this one, can we just get a little ask by line before we jump right into the meeting? Ask by line, got it, yep, No problem there. Thank you. Thank you. Greg. And we're back for still more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he was telling Farrow to let us people go and we're going to rejoin him shame facetly leaving. Well, Jewish slaves throw mud at him for being

so ineffective in so doing. Yeah, I get it. I once told BB you couldn't convert to a culture and I so I mean, I was the same guy. Okay, the mud ball was funny though, right? Mud ball was pretty funny. Yeah, nailed it. That was a good. Fuck you. Mud ball. This is a good mud ball throw. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, no, no, guys, I was sent by your God and Aaron, Jeff Goldblum's character comes in and goes like,

yeah, but our God sucks. Have you seen how bad we've got it? To be clear, if that's true, our God made us double slaves just now. Yeah, that happened. Right. But don't worry, Aaron's sister,

Jeff Goldblum's sister comes forward and she's like, no, it's okay. We, we forgive you for some reason. And can we just appreciate for a moment how messed up it is for these white actors to put it's not so bad being a slave into anyone's mouth, let alone Jews that they are not. Yeah, this is Sandra Bullock telling us about how God is awesome even though she spent her entire life enslaved. It's not that bad. And but okay, so but Moses is like, you're right Miriam.

I will defiantly walk towards the rest of the plot. And all the other Jewish are like, all right, well, I guess we're following this guy. Now he's got a crook, right? It turns into a snake and ship. They literally follow him because the rest of the movie needs to happen. They might just won't mumble into them. So the animated so that I'm following him. But it just so happens that Ramsey's is going by him and the river on his big pharaoh boat

just in that moment. And Moses now, like, you know, whatever pumped up by Sandra Pollock's words gives him a really good lead by people. Go. It's so good. Farrow might as well be on like jet skis and just splashes Moses. But no, he's out in the river. And Moses is like, Oh, there he is. I'm going to try again, guys. I'm going to try again. I got this, I got this, I got this. Let my people go.

He can't hear me as far, the river is far. Let Pharaoh, Ramsey, Ramsey, let my people go. And he finally hears him. I wanted him to pretend he didn't, but no, he didn't. He responds. He does the thing where you're shouting to someone in the house,

and then they think you're yelling at them. And you're like, no, I was just, you didn't respond. So I had to use a louder. What? What? So yeah. And then Ramses is like, all right, that's enough. Guards go give him a good menacing. Okay. But it's hard to be intimidating while you wade through waste high water and someone. So the guards are like, you smash, splish, splish, Is he doing that slow old ladies in a gymnastics class walk? Yeah, no, he's like, oh, in seven and a half minutes, I'm gonna get you.

And Moses is like, oh, well, God starts whispering to Moses. He's like, don't worry. I've got this very cool bloody river trick in mind. And he uses his staff. He turns the river to blood. And the guards are all like, ew, fucking gross

run. Did you just get your fucking period? Okay. It's red. The water's, we're still going to kill you. So now in red water, we kill you, I guess, I don't know. Well, like, you right, the shore was closer to them. Right. Right. So it would be quicker for them to just run on shore if they wanted out of the bloody. What did that now? They have to old lady at a gymnastics class back. Now they step onto the shore and he's like, all right, everybody I got to turn the sand into shit. I don't know what's the, what's the sand teeth?

Huss and think this through bio. And well, and Ramsey, he turns to Hotepp and Hoey and he's like, hey, man, that was a pretty good trick. Can you guys do turning the water red and they're like, yeah, man, that was a pretty good trick. Can you guys do turning the water red? And they're like, yeah, man. Sure can. And they do. Once again, great job.

Red food coloring. Yep. He just has red food coloring. That's it. Very obviously, yeah. It's probably in the tip. He probably has a false tip in the staff thing, and it has a little bit of oil or whatever.

Ben Franklin. So Ramsey's is just like, ah, no big deal. My guys could do that too. And then, and the Jews, just like, ah, no big deal. My guys could do that too. And then and the Jews are also like, I mean, come on, the, the, the, they, the guy did red water too. Yes. So Moses has to like pump him up with his brave heart speech. It's almost brave heart.

You can hear him be like, I got to close the brave heart. Start again. Yeah. They can never take you. No, that's, I did it. I said the same thing again. That's crazy. Okay. I'm on a horse. Maybe I step off the horse.

Yeah. When he says they can never take your faith, I really wanted everyone to start booing and throwing mud again. And she's like, okay, nope, that's on me. That's on me. Yeah. So, okay.

So then we cut to a quick plague montage. Mm-hmm, right? And I just want to point out that I literally only knew this song because it's a popular TikTok sound. And I was like, oh, it's TikTok. Yeah. So, yeah, well, and again, one of those things that doesn't really occur to you and necessarily

until you see it animated, but like, fuck ton of frogs is a weird plague, right? That's just a weird, it's like unpleasant, I guess, but frogs are, I mean, kind of pleasant though. It could be kind of pleasant. Yeah, yeah, frogs are kind of cool. Yeah. What are frogs gonna do?

Also, the plagues contain too many insects to animate for children. So there's far too many things in this montage of being like, bugs. Oh no, and I have different bugs. They're flying. They're out of the kinds of bugs. Itchy bugs and on itchy bugs.

This is all a musical number to be clear. Yes. Right. Turns it to a song musical number. Don't rain sulfur on my brain. So yeah, and it's once again, it's the music is so fucking boring like it never rises to the level of tune No So yeah, so we watch cartoon guys get boils for a while and we the song ends were like

Nine plagues in and Moses goes to see Ramses and he's like man I got one more plague, but you ain't gonna like this motherfucker. You want to just fast forward to the part where you let us go? Huh? Maybe. Yeah. Also, he's in the sulking spot, which is very important. Oh, yeah.

Uh, from the beginning. So he has to like, scooch his way over to the statue to be like Ramsey's. You up there, buddy. You're moping because of the play. Right. Yeah. And I just, it occurs to me at this point, just how much we have to fast forward through those plays, but so has not to make Moses into the bad guy. Right. And they still fail.

No, they fail. But yeah, the more we linger on that, the harder their job gets. But the movie in order to distract us from that wants to have the like, you remember those good old times in act one that we had together? Kind of a moment here. It's such a weird, what was such a weird tonal choice. And you didn't have to make up this relationship. And you didn't have to triple down in it in your last act, right? Like these mortal enemies from one of the oldest stories and historical fiction. And it's just like, okay, but those pranks we pulled in my retina.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, now, stop being nice, what are you doing? Right, he murdered a guy before that. Spoils and shit.

Well, and also, so they play it from this point on, like Moses was a fucking abolitionist, right? He's like, but slavery is wrong. I mean, no, no, no, he just doesn't want his people to be slaves. His own book that he's going to supposedly write will have rules about how hard you're allowed to hit slaves. Yeah. Right. So, but yeah, but in this movie's mind, he's fucking Abraham Lincoln going up against Douglas here.

Yeah. They also, they do this thing where they have Pharaoh be like, oh, well, you know what? Now, I'm going to kill all the Jews and like, I get it. You had to explain the kid killing thing for your children's animated movie. But the best they could come up with for longing was, well, we had to kill their kids before they could kill our kids. Yes. Yes. I don't think the Pharaoh was planning on having the children carry out the children killed

him. Kill your babies. No, I'm killing your babies first. That's a weird set of I think that's what happens. Yes, right. Okay, but the big murals dumb, if we don't, I'm doing that because we have the mural. And then yeah, right. So he's like, all right, man, 10th plague.

You're bringing it on yourself. And so that he goes back and he has to tell everybody about the whole lamb's blood on your door bit. I just want to point out that most of my notes for the rest of the movie are, y'all watch this as kids. Are you sure? Are you sure you watch this as kids? Okay, the Lam's blood thing. God says to tell everyone to put Lam's blood on their front door so that he won't murder any of the Jewish babies by accident when he plagues the first born of Egypt, right?

Yes. That, that's not the, that's not a good, like there's a lot of moving parts in that blend. That's not the perfect, right? There's somebody out there that doesn't have a lamb. Yeah. Also, I feel like the Egyptians that know that they've gotten, you know, their nine plagues in now,

they're gonna see all the Jews put lamb's blood on their door They're gonna go you know what better safe That's our Oh Yeah, the Bible doesn't address whether or not that worked yeah Just the heath of ancient Egypt being like technically Blood on my door All right, but yeah, so they do that and then like a

Galactic vagina opens up in the sky and blows white wisps over the land. Hey, guys, how do you want to depict the angel of death in our animated children's movie? I was thinking glow in the dark, come, come, I was gonna say come, say come, say come, like if the ghost of all the come could you all the murder we are really synced up today on ideas. I love it. Put it in the movie for children.

Well, and so we watch, yeah, we watched this mysterious glowing sperm smoke go in and out of doors and we see like a kid's arm will fall where it's killed somebody or it'll see this the blood over the door and go like Oh, oh guys guys stop everybody stop blood door come on move on we watch the death gas like go to it goes to their door and is like All right, I'm I'm magical god death gas. I better check if that's lamb blood specifically Do I lick it? It's lamb blood. It's like I've got no tongue. I've got no nose. I'm just smoky sperm holds up a picture of lamb blood puts it back into its splooge. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no this movie, but I do want to point out that the first born children could also be adult. Right. You didn't have to have a baby dying, Montenegro.

Yes. Or why not just kill all the, like, why, why just the firt? Why not the second one's too? I don't understand. So also like, okay, this is the movie's what third in fantasy scene. Yep. I feel like that's, that's just automatically excessive. There's got to be a rule in a movie screenwriting book

somewhere that says- Rule three people. That's not- That's not what they've been. This particular rule of three is you want to have less than three child murdering Mondages in your movie. Yeah, no, it's fine to have one. It worked for Star Wars.

You know, you have one. It worked for the new season of Stranger Things. But after that, after that, you're just American gun laws, right? So, okay. So then we go to the Pharaoh crying over the corpse of his dead child in this kid's cartoon. And again, I just have to point out this is not in the Bible. No, right? They gave Pharaoh a child to die for their children's movie. I can only assume in hopes of making their side look as bad as possible.

Like, we talk about the secret atheists in the writer's room. This is like the secret Satanist in the right. Right. So he's got the kid in his little death shroud and everything Moses shows up. He's like, okay, this is admittedly a rough moment for an I told you so. But I did, like the last scene we shared together. I told you this was gonna happen. And he's like, yeah, you did.

Shoulder Pat? No. He tries to do it. Do you wanna get ice cream shoulder Pat? To the Pharaoh as he mourns his dead child. Yeah, right. But of course Pharaoh is like, but you guys can go because, you know, we're going to do 11 fucking plagues that just be silly. Nobody knows who's buying that shit. So he let's just go. Moses goes back, and Zipra is like, great job. You killed an awful lot of kids, but you did it well.

You did it in a good way. Zipra has to read like, readjust her tone. She's like, hey, good job, you're sad. You're sad. Oh, good job. You're doing the dead beans, but you know, do you have like a medium song for this? That's like positives and the negatives and you weigh them? Yeah, something like that and they do. Yes, she does.

Miriam had a fucking murdered child song at the ready. Yes. Yes. Liberating slaves versus genocide of a bunch of children. Wade it. Math checks out the song. That's what they got here. Right. And song to the tune of the sentences I sing to my cats when I feed them, you know,

when I'm famping for time. Zippora comes up and just puts her hand on Moses' shoulder. Now it's not the time to make things political. Okay. It's just. Yeah, but of course, eventually that out because the old achievers are leaving Egypt to that moment. So eventually this turns into just like a John T little tune and Hebrew Right it gets really happy there at the end of the like babe. They have a dance in it. Yeah in the baby genocide song baby genocide dance. Yeah, and also like you got to figure like They've got a dance in them because they were like overworked whipped slaves yesterday I feel like you give them a couple of days before you ask them to do a dance number no right

Anyway, so okay, but the song fades away and now they're in front of the sea and they're like okay I guess we live in front of this sea now everybody break out the fucking another dance number is anybody gonna pot this no out the fucking another dance number. Is anybody gonna pot this? No? Because if no one pots this, this is a weird thing for us to have done. Yeah, we are, as we're about to learn, about six feet away from each. I can make it all blood. Is that helpful? Yeah, just in that, just as they're like, Oh, well, that's a big ass lake. Ramsey's in his army show up on the horizon. Yeah.

And then like, oh, fuck. Why did we sing that song and do the whole thing? Yeah. We killed so much time with that choreography. I bought a pass to the lounge and I'm using it. I don't you guys can go, but I'm staying. There's a lounge. They have croissants.

I'm going with him. Also, in this movie, they weaponized a pillar of fire that was leading the Jews out of Egypt. Now it's an attack weapon, a pillar of fire. And it like keeps the Egyptian army at bat. But just, just long enough for dramatic effect, right? Like, you feel like angel, like fire tornado angel and split the water angel. We're working together and he kept like

radioing over. Hey, did you get the water split? No? Okay. Well, I'll just I'll do another keep. Yeah. Back in front. Let me know when the strings have done their thing. Okay. You know what? This pillar, they just walked around it. I put the fire there. A lot of the army just walked around it. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Now that you mentioned it because it's a pillar, a pillar we would if unless it was laying down., you know, what have I put it sideways? Yeah, there you go. Well, no, that's too similar to my splitting the walls of the water. Oh, okay. Did you your call and dibs on that like thematically? Maybe my tornado can go back and forth like a womp. Okay. Let's put a pin in this. We'll meet back on Monday. Yeah.

So, okay, and then we see where 90% of this movie's animation budget went, right? Because by the standards of 1998, this parting of the C moment is pretty incredible. Yeah. And also by the standards of this movie, this movie has some janky and fucking-looking animation. It's very clear that they went down to the Disney offices and they were like, Greg, do you want to draw just like nine pictures for us? But yes, it was just like, all right, pillar of fire, I can't last for long. They're going to figure out, walk around it soon.

So I'll part this scene. He parts the sea and it's fucking awesome, right? Yeah. Okay, I did enjoy the giant whale swimming up next to the gap in between. I wanted the whale just like swim into the gap and crush a bunch of people. We've never had this before. You can't, you've hard it. What, why didn't you just have a boat?

You don't have to break so many fewer rules. We want Neil to grass Tyson to pop up. You know, technically you wouldn't be in the Red Sea. Boom! Get out of here. Nern, push him into the wall. I'm gonna eat him. And of course, so yeah,

so the fire pillar guy is like, look man, I've got my, I'm like 10 minutes late for my 15 and water party guys like, I'll go find, go ahead. I got him more than halfway across. I'm taking my full 15. So. for my 15 and water party guys like, oh go find, go ahead, I got a more than halfway across. I'm taking my full 15.

So, yeah, the red sees like 100 yards across. Yeah, it's not like that. Yep, that's what they say. Yeah, afternoon, quick afternoon. It's the sea of reeds though, so maybe that is like smaller. Mm. So yeah, and also, so Moses sees that now the army is coming

and he goes, basically he goes like, oh, quick everyone panic, right? They'll just start running over each other and everything but don't worry God is going to selectively flood them and kill all the soldiers Right, but spook about Pharaoh as though the children watching this would be upset at Pharaoh's death What a weird line to draw. Yeah, he darts, beters is way out at the last second, everything. Yeah. So yeah, so that all the Jews may get across and all of the Egyptians drown except for the Pharaoh who now just stands on the rock screaming Moses is those texting heath. Moses just lights his cigarette, flicks it into the sea behind him and it blows up.

Moses will return in Moses to bam, put up. Yeah. Put up in here. Yeah. And then so he walks up to, so all the Jews hug and they celebrate. Moses walks up to Miriam and gives us a very Folger's commercial kind of moment where you're like, is he? Yeah, the animators, I think, forgot which one he was supposed to be. We changed out your sister for your wife.

Let's see if he notices. Heath, what did we say about reading our porn hub? So, I'm a bitch. So, all right. I'll murder all your first one, Jill. So then we cut to Ramsey's on the opposite shore. He's still all pissed, you know. And then we see Moses like he's like, I kind of feel bad about killing off that whole army of people that had no choice but to follow Pharaoh's orders,

but not like super bad. Like, no, it's not good. I'm not gonna let it ruin my day. Yeah, sex to suck. Yeah. We're doing more song though, right? Like a gemstone. Yeah, we got another song. And then, like, and then we fast forward through the rest of the Exodus story. We just see him like with a couple of fucking pillars that have the 10 commandments and we're like, and then, you know, 10 commandments. Okay. I just want to point out that technically that ends the movie, but what happens right after the camera cuts his Moses throws those things to the ground because they're worshiping a cow. Right. Yeah, exactly. Right away. Right away. Forces them to murder each other and force feed

them the calf. It's, yeah, right. There's so much good stuff that this movie leaves out, right? Oh, I really want that to be in the outtakes. God moons the Jews in this book. I feel like Moses would have been a Muslim if that existed at this moment. Sure. All right. So obviously biblical scholars have been trying to puzzle out the moral of this story for thousands of years. I don't think they've reached a consensus. Do you do you have any guesses from the panel? But the moral of the story. Yeah, we just watched a movie. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, it's a math thing It's just you know if you if you do a certain amount of slavery freeing

It cancels out a certain amount of baby killing. Oh, okay. All right. So this could be a story. We got numbers on that now. Yeah. All right. Interesting. Interesting. I was going to go with bros before Jehovah's. Oh, no, that was good.

That was very good at Eli. I will. That's going to do it for our review of the Prince of Egypt. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure ourselves back into this trap again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well know what what if I told you I found a movie that's both Jews for Jesus and Anti-abortion that's right. We'll be watching dying to be heard

All right, so with that to look forward to we're gonna bring up so episode 361 to a more suitable close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you like to catch something from them, they're right. You can make a per episode donation to patreon.com.com. So I got off on there by your own early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and scanning a deacitation data, D&D minus and the skeptic crowd available wherever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or some additional suggestions,

you can email Godoff on movies.gmail.com. Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the Law Fuses of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robson, takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written and performed by various Latin people who were drafts on Mars, while other music was written and performed by our audio engine or Morgan Clarkone was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week. For Heathen, write, Neal, I'm Bob Stick, I'm no illusions,

promise to work hard or no chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. God is still workshopping the whole Middle East plan. We'll see how it goes. Moses would go on to force feed ground up gold to all of those people except the ones he had killed. Turns out that milk and honey would be a lot less relevant than crude oil. You call this a barra-chol-li? Rock-oly. Well, that's why there's Hello Fresh. Hello Fresh, Richard.

I hit the mouse and scrolled away from my page and I was like, oh, I don't know what I was saying there. It was the simplest line, obviously. All right. I'll give you a bar of chili again. Okay. I was waiting for Eli to start the, uh, Zen Keshe required. I didn't take that long to remember which number came.

He forgot which number came first. He told he either when the record was off, he was crying and banging us to tell him, but we wouldn't. Yeah. So he Googled it. He Googled what number comes first. Wait, now I want to Google that.

I want to add that to the out which number, the Zing integers comes first. There's a it auto completes. Wish number comes next. It does tell you. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Cardinal and ordinal numbers chart. Have this new magic trick where I can secretly enter a word into my phone. And my phone sends it to a little pocket printer and prints out a photo of whatever I entered. All right, it's pretty cool because I can then sneak that into an envelope and be like, banana you say and then I open it. Except what I have learned recently

is it doesn't have a safe-surf function. Oh no. So if for instance someone says banana, you better fucking peek at that because it's going to be a girl deep throating a banana. Now luckily I was with friends and people who were chill, but the moment of doing that in front of a client would have been real bad. And you see here I have a sex cry. I have nothing. I'm a bad magician. Bye. Don't harm you anymore. Here's a high five. Anyways, a happy bot mitzvah little girl. Half a bit bad. It's actually an important,

it's an important, it's an important skill. Don't worry, you won't be doing that. So you are two or two. the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the thunderstorm LLC copyright 2022 all rights reserved.