God Awful Movies - 363: Hardflip

Starting point is 00:00:00 This would have been a perfect moment as he's delivering the monologue to hear the flat line and everything and him yelling, Doctor, Doctor, come and quick! But I don't even think they could afford the little BP machine, and I don't think that this actor could have pulled it off so they just smashed cut to the fucking... what's amazing is they probably have that scene, right? And they were just like they were editing the movie and went, no, no, we're gonna fill that time with more skate montage. Should we have enough for the rights to eat?

Starting point is 00:00:30 You spent it on Patricia Arquette. God awful movie. Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Bo! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby welcome back skateboarding. And unfortunately Eli will be unable to join us today, but in his stead, we're happy to welcome back skeptic of several years, Michael Marshall Marsh. Glad you could join us, sir. Hey, pleasure to be here. You can't tell because it's an oldie recording, but I'm actually skateboarding forwards really slowly, but in a perfect straight line, which is super impressive. I'm wearing a hat backwards today.

Starting point is 00:01:23 Oh, yeah, yeah. You a skateboarder. I'm wearing a hat backwards today. Oh yeah, yeah. And a put a set. So you were skateboarder. I wasn't sure, Marsha, very excited. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched hard flip. It's the story of skateboarding and cancer and Jesus, I think. I mean, there's absolutely zero connection between those things in the movie, but they didn't care. Nope, and they didn't even try with the title

Starting point is 00:01:50 This bothered me it could have been Godtown and Z boys. Oh nice. Like is the Ali dilemma or Grime face just Come on Guys just run it by us. Just one fucking time. And Marsh, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved Tony Hawk's Pro Skate 2 on the PlayStation, but you just felt that the movement of the characters

Starting point is 00:02:15 was just a bit too realistic in life. You will love this movie. If they have molded a little too much for you, if that bothered you, yeah. No, I did find myself constantly pressing X and hopes that the dialogue would end. Well, I think so. Because so. Okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one of for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, absolutely. It's got to be best worst skateboarding. Sorry to date, the obvious one. Yep. That's a good choice. The lead

Starting point is 00:02:40 character at every point, everyone around him describes him as an awesome skateboarder. Wow, he's so great. But everything we see him actually do is basically going medium fast in a perfectly straight line. Yep. I didn't think with that impressive. Yes. No, occasionally he'll Ollie. It's like, oh, someone else will Ollie. Somebody, somebody right. Maybe he is. Right. Yes. Yes. Someone with shoes. Okay. So I was going to go with best worst liver, Pudley and X Machina. Okay. So Lister's, I just recently learned the word liver, Pudley and as a person from liver, pool, I'm really upset with Mars for never using that word around me such that because

Starting point is 00:03:22 it's a brilliant word. I know it's probably not there because you would need a lot of liver puddles to make a liver pool But in my mind that's the root of the term. I think it is. I think that is the root of the term Always a really that seriously. I think it might be genuinely might be That would be the most ugly pool coming from the same root I assume. Okay. All right, so yeah, yeah No, that's probably true. All right, that's the cutest goddamn thing ever. And I've been wanting to work it into like a show because it's such a great funny fucking word.

Starting point is 00:03:50 And this movie was like, here you go. We have it on this silver platter. Yeah, that's weird. There's no exaggeration there. There is a liver pulley and X machina that's going to happen. Yeah, very exciting. I was going to go with best worst problem of evil. Now, we've dealt with a lot of these,

Starting point is 00:04:09 but this one is rough. We get a mom dying of movie cancer, spoiler, whatever, it doesn't matter. And that's when the Christian writers normally in most of the movies we've done, when that happens, the movie cancer, they're supposed to have something about, you know, mysterious ways, grand plan, whatever. But this time, the movie cancer, they're supposed to have something about, you know, mysterious ways, grand plan, whatever.

Starting point is 00:04:26 But this time, the movie just completely forgot that they brought up the problem of evil and then they just leave it. There's even a profit of God character and he's just like, oh, atheism, okay, that sucks. You're like, oh, yeah, you want me to have something here for, I do not. Nope. Anyway, skateboarding or something, yeah, you want me to have something here for I do not nope. No, anyway skateboarding or something Moving on moving on. Yeah, that's really the message Right there. All right. Well, I'll do what we've got two hours of bishemmi's how do you do fellow kids 30 rock me on the other side of this break So we're gonna keep it brief and when we come back, we'll drop into all the six shreds that are

Starting point is 00:05:05 hard flip Now a word from our sponsor better help Hey Noah, um, what's up with all the blueprints? I just bought in a bit of revenge Right is that is that a map of the Dublin ampul doesn't really matter what it is Marsh but if anybody should ask later. No, that is not what it was Know it have you considered trying better help online therapy? What's better help online therapy? Better help is online therapy that can help you deal

Starting point is 00:05:32 with the stresses of everyday life. And it's a much healthier way to deal with your emotions than whatever you've got in those crates from Acme. I don't know, Marsh. Going to a therapist seems like a whole big thing. Well, better help office therapy online. You can chat with your therapy on video, on the phone. You can even do chat only therapy sessions.

Starting point is 00:05:50 So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. Plus it's much more affordable than in-person therapy or international bail, for example. They could have you matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Well, you know, it would take more than 48 hours to even dissolve all those bolts underneath the floor. So I Guess you sold me March. How do I sign up? I will listen to get 10% off their first month of better help.com slash awful. That's better H.E. L.P. dot com slash awful. Hmm. Yeah. No, I guess I'll give it a try. Now You think you can help me to freeze some sedated tigers? I really rather not. I Try now you think you can help me to free some sedated tigers?

Starting point is 00:06:27 I really rather not I Hehehehe Hey dudes welcome to the first ever writers room meeting for our skate movie Heartflip Woohoo Hey Raul! Now as you roll aware, Inspire Film has agreed to give us gnarly funding as long as we make the movie Christian, which is awesome. Hey, dude, question.

Starting point is 00:06:50 Yes, Chad. Oh, we're all named Chad. Yeah. Right. I'm sorry, but the Chad with the question. Right. Obviously, yeah, sorry, sorry. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:00 So Chad here, how do you make a Christian movie? Right. Yeah. So inspire actually sent me a list. It has, it has to have five of the following six things, right? A mom with cancer, a dad who loves his job too much, unpaid bills, a magical homeless minority, a Bible, a person ugly crying at God. Oh.

Starting point is 00:07:20 What, what, oh? Well, what if we don't know how cancer, jobs, bills, homelessness, the Bible, or just like, grief and general work, because I don't? Oh, yeah, no, that's a good question, dude. Ooh, I know, I know. We could just fill up all the parts that we don't know with just film of us skating. Oh, good call. I mean, what if that's, yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:44 But like, what if that was still not enough? We can film us filming us skating brilliant. Judd. Yeah. All right. Who's ready to snort some weed? And we're back for the breakdown and the fellow you the shit is gonna kick in before we're even out of the low those guys This is brought to us by among other people digital films with a Z Fuck I mean the the fact that it was films with a Z it literally took all my willpower not to immediately turn this off and just make my excuses that it literally took all my willpower not to immediately turn this off and just make my excuses, because episode, no thank you.

Starting point is 00:08:27 So my way broke her other ankle. Yeah, no, I wrote my nose. First note I have is pluralizing with a Z, the sitting backwards in your chair of corporate logo. Oh crap. But yeah, so we're gonna open up on our main character who I have down as a kid, but like, you know, in air quotes, right?

Starting point is 00:08:46 Like so, I mean, they're just quotes, I guess, they're written, but yeah. And this is a guy whose last tweet definitely had hashtag YOLO and he skateboarding badly. I hate it every. I'm literally better at skateboarding than this actor. I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:03 I think that's probably true. I have him down as the poor man's Hayden Christians. And I believe it or not. That's something. Yeah. I had him as Justin Bieber all the way through. But the fact that this is a skateboarding film, I just had like this film is made in 2012. And someone should have told the film that they should have let the film go. Well, it's a Christian movie. So culturally, it was made in 2002. So that's true. So, yeah, so hard. The title flips its way into the screen skateboard style. Hard flips into the screen. Such an uncool movie name. And there's no amount of extreme fun that's going to change.

Starting point is 00:09:42 Not they try. But they fail bad. So yeah, so but we open a pretty much right away on a skate montage bunch of people in a skate park. Yeah, with skateboard tricks by everyone except the main character we saw at the beginning. Right. Rough. And it's, it's, they're weaving in and out of the people. And the thing, maybe I'm just an old man at this point, but when we're watching them weaving through the people and jumping over street furniture, I could only think about how much they were inconveniencing the pedestrians. That's the only thing that was on my mind at all times. Come on, you guys are dicks. People are trying to walk there. Stop doing alleys in my yard. Fuck you.

Starting point is 00:10:19 Yeah. So a little bit of characterization here, we get, we learn that our main character's name is Caleb. He's awesome at skateboarding. We know this because people say it a lot. That's it. That's true. He's awesome at skateboarding. And then we also meet Joey who's awesome

Starting point is 00:10:34 at filming people's skateboarding. That's going to be his personality. Sure. But Caleb does not like to be filmed. Yeah, I'll mic-dope apparently from what we see in this. Yeah, he gets filmed by film nerd guy and then he's like, I don't like being filmed. Like a movie that would be terrible stuff.

Starting point is 00:10:53 A terrible idea. Yeah, and we watch a movie about him. Yeah, I'd like him to not be filmed as well, please. Yes, I'm involved with him. So bad it's get he's the ankle bender of skateboarding. So like, so people learn to play hockey for the first time their ankles turn all the way. He's that for skateboarding. He's so bad.

Starting point is 00:11:10 So we also meet who's the other old guy we meet here with the spy Fedora and the vans t-shirt, which they clearly got sponsored by. So this is a professional skater. This a professional skater who was a Christian. I look this up. There's a really I started looking up some of the cameos in this film. He's called like Christian Holoio, Hazzoya, something like that. And he's only playing the sponsor in this because in real life, he's quite a famous skater apparently. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:11:37 Yeah. Well, all of these actors, like you said before, they're way too old. They're like the guy at the playground with no kid for this. Yeah. It's no good. Yeah. They should be sponsored by unmarked vans. Well done, sir. Yeah. No, the main character in this who's supposed to be 18 in the movies universe is literally in his 30s. It took me so long to figure out who's meant to be 18. We'll come to it, but there's entire things that I give a totally different spin in his character.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Once you realize he's meant to be 18 and not 30, right? Yeah. They all live at home with their parents, but it tracks if they're 32. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. So, okay, so Caleb wonders off all angry about being filmed. Everybody's really impressed with his mad skills. But then we have to watch the bullies of the movie writer and fucking writer sidekick. You got me. We're going to harass Ralph the homeless guy. Okay. Yeah. Stupid scene. The best part is these two e-hole skateboarders, skateboard the like six feet over the ground to get to

Starting point is 00:12:47 them and then pull up on the skateboarders again. So dumb, they do this for the whole move over and over again. Everyone in the film. Yes. No. It's like they think you're that made it to say there's like a minimum number of minutes of skateboarding you needed to get qualified for a skateboarder film. But yeah, so, but they, they find Ralph the homeless guy and they dump out his trash can

Starting point is 00:13:11 full of bottles because they're like, ah, fuck you homeless guy. And he's like, I forgive you. I am Christian. And they're like, ah, gross. And then they wanted to off. And right away we get just how terrible the movie is. Like at some point they were like, oh, what do, um, what do homeless people look like? How should we make that happen in our movie?

Starting point is 00:13:30 And they landed on Jamaican Santa Claus in a grunge band. And that's right. That's all homeless people, I think. I was pretty sure they only called him Ralph because he looks a bit like the Muppet Ralph that's what they've gone with. He does. Wow. All right. So he, oh, and then of course Caleb helps and pick his bottles back up because he's the good guy. So then we get our 31 year old kid getting home.

Starting point is 00:13:54 And we have to establish that mom's like an absentee mom and not a good person. And we do that in this movie's universe or in this movie's mind, I should say. And we do that by having her like have left a note that says, dinner's in the fridge when he gets home. Yeah. Instead of being there cooking at dinner for him. But he's one of those neglected kids whose mom just makes him meals that she's cooked for him for whenever he comes home so he can eat them. That's how neglected he is. That quick, good, anyone day-roll dad so you can play it about how hard he had it grow up.

Starting point is 00:14:21 Okay. I didn't catch this. You're saying the movie saying it's bad that she left him food in the oven. Yeah, mom's not even there. She's just left him food in the oven when he comes home in a indeterminate time. Yep. She even leaves him a note. It's really he even re-ass the note out loud. It just says food in the oven love mom and he's like food in the own van's love mom. Oh, but it's bad. There's a really small thing as well. When he's like, food in the own van, love, mom. Oh, but it's bad. There's a really small thing as well. When he comes in, he drops the skateboard, like casually,

Starting point is 00:14:51 but he drops it very carefully onto the road. And I thought, did this movie not have two skateboards money? Didn't have break the skateboard kind of money. That's, be very careful with the assets. That's that actor's board. He's like, all right, but I'm dying. I could drop it hard. Put you some cushy under there. So yeah, so he gets his absentee mom dinner. Then we cut to mom. She's in her car getting some bad news on the telephone. We all wrote

Starting point is 00:15:16 in our notes. It's cancer, right? 100%. 100% correctly. She's sitting there on the phone, just hearing on the other side. Hello, Mrs. Christian movie. You have cancer via theism and she's like, oh, yeah, is it even the quickest cancer moment you've ever seen? Cause we're about five minutes into the film at this point. It might, I bet it's close. I bet it's not quite the fastest though, just my guess.

Starting point is 00:15:40 For any character who didn't already have, like we haven't established them with cancer, like as you see them, you know, not already in the hospital. So, for some reason we see and then giving them cancer. It's pretty quick. She might as well be like, how am I, I bet that's cancer and get on the phone. It's so dumb. So, yeah, so she gets this news and then she goes home

Starting point is 00:15:57 and she drinks alcohol right out of the bottle. No, that's not how anybody would, it's fine. No, it's so stupid. All right, so now we got to meet Dan, right? So we cut to this high rise downtown where Dan works. Yeah, the music definitely thinks that there's some sort of heist about to happen, right? Right.

Starting point is 00:16:16 Yeah, it does. Also, maybe like a techno capitalist porn scene. Yeah. It's confusing, because that doesn't happen. It was very disappointing. And dad in this movie will be played by John Schneider, God off of movies, Hall of Famer, not hurting anybody. He walks in and he's like, and of course, he's got to be the bad boss, right? So he walks in and he's like, get me a stupac right away. And the secretary is like, uh, Stu Pax not here. He's like, I will bring down thunder

Starting point is 00:16:45 and fury upon your generations. So stupid. And then she gets Stu Pax on the phone two seconds later. Yes. Yes. She's got a direct line to Stu Pax. She picks up her Stu Pax phone. Stu Pax, get back here. And we're all, we're all just saying stupid like that is a normal silent to you to refer to a human being. But his name, I thought, oh, it's a nickname with the office nickname for stew or something. No, his name is Mr. Stu package bill. Yep. It's Bill.

Starting point is 00:17:16 Stupid. So yeah, so he is, he's like, he's like, give me a stupid right away. He goes to his office. It's just a great moment. He picks up a picture of his wife and kid or not wife is his kid and then his kid's mom and then he like tosses it under his desk angry at it for giving him feel. Oh, and the props in this scene are fantastic. Because first of all, the office is comically empty. Like just comically empty. There's cupboards. They're all empty. There's binders on the desk. There's no paper in them.

Starting point is 00:17:44 It's like the movie only had this room for half an hour and weren't allowed to leave any trace. And even the photo of this guy's wife and kid, if you look at it, it's got printer lines across it because the printer they used to print it out was running out of ink and they didn't bother getting it printed on glossy paper. So everything about it is so shit.

Starting point is 00:18:00 I think he throws it down because he realizes how low quality the photo is. So I shouldn't be showing this to the camera, so I just want to wrap it up. Everything about it is so shit. I think he throws it down because he realizes how low quality the photo is. So I shouldn't be showing this to the camera. So I just want to wrap it like that. Still has the feed from the dot matrix on the side. Yeah, but that's. So stupid comes in.

Starting point is 00:18:16 He must not have been far away. It only takes him a minute. Stupid comes in. He's like, I'm sorry. My wife had an accident. He's like, I don't care about your stupid wife or stupid accident. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:26 But okay, but the exact line is even worse than that. Yes. Yes. He says, my wife had an accident on the floor, but they didn't write anything else for him because you can't, that's dumb. There's nothing to go after that. So the way that it happens to on the ceiling. Right. What does that mean? He says the way that it happens to on the ceiling. Right. What, what does that mean?

Starting point is 00:18:45 He says, my wife had an accident on the floor. You have to cut me off. I'm done. I don't have anything. That sounds like she just peed. She should piss to sell. That's the only thing that could mean is she pissed to sell. So yeah, but John doesn't care about all that shit.

Starting point is 00:19:01 He needs stupac to fix the mistake he made, their architects and he's made a very serious mistake on the blueprints for the Kobayashi building. Right. And he needs to fix that even if it means working all night. His mistake is that the plans are off by a quarter of an inch. So the plan to build the entire building is off by quarter of an inch out. That's what you'd be fine with.

Starting point is 00:19:22 Like entire building, the sky scraper, you're not going to miss a quarter of an inch. Okay. Also, we see the blueprint and boss is pointing at it angrily. Being like, what does this say? Quarter inch, what does that say? Half inch. If the numbers in the blueprint represent inches, I looked at it. We were looking at a room that's like 10 inches by 10 inches. Okay. At that point, the court range would make a massive difference. Yeah. No, that was. Yeah. We're new and fit in there.

Starting point is 00:19:50 So okay, just a floating door slightly inside the room. Yes. All right. So we come back to the house where Caleb is rocking it out at his computer. He's on birth certificate search.com. Yeah. He's using the comic sounds guide to finding your apps and call. at his computer, he's on birth certificate search.com. Yeah, he's using the comic sounds guide to finding your apps and content.

Starting point is 00:20:09 Yes. Yes. You think you don't go with a jauntie font on that website, right? Probably not. Times New Roman, guys. So he classy. So mom comes in and he actually, he's watching porn, right? So he closes the computer, but apparently like nobody knew the password to get back into that computer if they closed it all the way or porn, right? So he closes the computer, but apparently like nobody knew the password

Starting point is 00:20:25 to get back into that computer if they closed it all the way or something, right? Because throughout the movie, he'll close it like three quarters of the way. Yeah. And this is the first time he does that. So him and his mom have a conversation where they established that he skates too much

Starting point is 00:20:39 and he needs to find some direction with his life. Yeah, and she berates him for eating a whole bag of chips for dinner and I thought I was writing like, but he's like 30, right? berates him for eating a whole bag of chips for dinner. And I thought I was writing like, but he's like 30, right? Is he gonna be eating a whole bag of chips for dinner? And then I wrote, sorry, Heath, I forgot you were right there. You were right there.

Starting point is 00:20:52 Wow. Wow. He put in the oven. There was a note. Yeah, there was a note. Right. I'd love it if some random person broke into my apartment. I'd love it if he put in the oven.

Starting point is 00:21:03 I'd love it. All right, listeners, take that as a challenge. So yeah, but the mom says she wants him to do, in her words, something more respectful than skateboarding. Yep. I mean, that is a long list. Yeah. And then she says, hey, by chance, did you hear back

Starting point is 00:21:22 from those art schools about your very wholesome talent that you have that's not skateboarding? Yeah. She says, yeah, you're so talented, just like your dot, you can hear us say dot, dot, dot, basically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:36 I've been interrupted. But the point is mom is mad that it's like too much skateboarding in his life. She wants him to focus on something lucrative like art school. Yes. That's the plot like art school. Yes. That's the plot. Thank you. Yeah. And he's like, no, no, skating is my future like make your 31 skating isn't anyone's future.

Starting point is 00:21:53 Let alone the 31 year old. Yeah. Right. But he's going to skate his way out of this place. Damn it. He's going to be spot. He's going to work hard, become a professional skateboarder and never have to be in this terrible town anymore. Okay. Do you ever hear back from those bag of sand schools that you're playing?

Starting point is 00:22:12 You can sell bags of sand, no? All right. And of course, he's got a bitch at mom for not being around often enough and she's like, I work two jobs. And then you're like, oh, well, then yeah, you need to shut the fuck up. She's working two jobs. Like then you just suck at the fuck up your 18. They have a conversation about how they've lost the house. Was I mad? Yes. She says, oh, it's not my fault.

Starting point is 00:22:32 We lost the house. You're in a house. You're very clearly in the house. You didn't say lost one house and got a different house. A period. That's that's net zero. Yes. We also find out that they're renting. So they're not like losing

Starting point is 00:22:46 it to foreclosure. They just didn't pay rent. Yeah. Right. Right. I think she was talking about something that was supposed to been in the past where they used to have a house and now they're in this apartment. I who the fuck knows anyway. So he gets mad though and he storms out. What do we think he gets mad. His face is so expressionless. Is this kid an actual kindle? There is no movement across any of his facial features. We can only like take in the fact and infer the fact that he gets mad from context clues from the world around him.

Starting point is 00:23:16 Yeah, exactly. And his eyes are always as open as to do in that machine and clockwork orange. It's like, it's like how astrophysicists determine the existence of exoplanets by their gravitational effect on something around them. That's right. So we've got to tell his emotions, just the effects of the people around him. So, okay, I think there's probably an emotion around about in the middle bit there. They're all a plastic guy.

Starting point is 00:23:35 Yep. Yep. Okay, just the whole tone of this moment, though, is pretty fucked up. The movie seems to think this single mom who has two jobs and fucking cancer is being lazy and a shitty mom. That's what they're establishing, right? Yeah. And she drinks too much.

Starting point is 00:23:50 Oh, right. Yeah. Caleb's like, I never did if you didn't drink. And I wanted her to be like, Hey Caleb, I hate to break it too. You wouldn't exist if it weren't for alcohol. Don't. But yeah, but he storms off to go to escape my touch. But before we can cut to that, we have to watch mom like go through a shit.

Starting point is 00:24:10 She realizes he was on who's my daddy.com and gets all depressed. Oh, and, and then she finds his half smoked reefer. Right. And at this point, I still thought he was 30 because he clearly looks 30. So, so, so his mother is disappointed that her 30 year old unemployed skater son was smoking weed. That was a surprise to you was it. Yeah. All right. So and then we watch some more mid quality skate videos, but so that this won't seem like the last scene, they film it in the dark. Yeah, see it. It's fine. This is where Caleb goes to buy some drugs.

Starting point is 00:24:45 So dumb. I've not been around a lot of drug dealers. Okay, sweet cinnamon bun over here, but like do drug dealers often signal that they're selling while performing elaborate and attention grabbing skateboards? Is it like those birds who do this like big mating dances to signal the real bridge? Kickflip drugs, drugs, drugs, heartflip drugs. Now skating left to right, it means I'm holding if I'm right

Starting point is 00:25:08 to left. Wait, my left. He's to us, he's to us. Get you come to us. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, so he comes up, it goes up to buy his drugs.

Starting point is 00:25:20 And Joey, the kid that pissed him off by filming him earlier, is in the bushes filming the drug deal. Yeah. So we watch Caleb walk up and be like, hello, skateboarders, three drugs, please. No, no problem. Good thing you saw us doing kickflips and going left to right or whichever was. But yeah, the video guy's filming this. Why not make Caleb the video artist? That would, he wouldn't have to be a good skateboarder.

Starting point is 00:25:48 He would actually have an art. It would all make, like, there would be so much more to do in the movie. Yeah. That is a better film at that point. Right. So, okay. So we come back to mom. She's written a letter to Caleb and she's putting it in her Bible as if to say, no, trust

Starting point is 00:26:02 me, guys, eventually, this is a Christian movie, right? An hour later, this will become a Christian movie, but hard. And we haven't touched on this yet, but the mom is Rizanna Raqette, isn't it? Yes. And at this point, those are cats. They can really mope, can't they? They've gone moping down. That is an entire dynasty of mopas.

Starting point is 00:26:20 They've got, they can do that. Okay. Brooding people, moping people should turn more lights on. Right. Right. One light on. It's weird. You're making it worse. Feel so much less mope.

Starting point is 00:26:30 Yes, exactly. There's this great moment. She's looking through the photo album, the old family photos, but they were all like the kid is the same age as he is now and all of them. So I was like, oh, this is filmed in 2012. That must be their 2011 now. One of the pictures is very clearly his headshot.

Starting point is 00:26:46 And another, I'm pretty sure another is a still from this movie. I don't know how they managed it. So yeah, but so mom watches that and then she hugs her Bible and she says to God, please God, take care of them. Christian movie boom. And then we get, oh, so Mimo, we see Caleb skating more and we see Ralph the homeless guy that for the first of many times holding up a cryptic sign. This is cool stupid.

Starting point is 00:27:13 It's sort of frustrating. It's a cardboard sign that he's written on with Sharpie and he's written, therefore, if anyone, yes, that's it. There are zero circumstances where that is a useful message on any sign, even part of a series. There are zero circumstances where that is a useful message on any side, even part of a series that could be emitted. Whatever comes after could just come after. You don't need this bit.

Starting point is 00:27:31 This is useless. Yep. Okay. Yeah. Super dumb. I looked it up to be like, all right, they're probably going for something here. Turns out that's the first three words of a passage from second Corinthians five. Yes. So the idea though, God has this homeless guy who's a prophet according to the movie and he's

Starting point is 00:27:51 giving a message to Caleb. So Caleb was supposed to skate past this and be like, well, is that the first three words of second Corinthians five? Yeah. Well, and this is how stupid it is. Eventually, like, we'll see him with like all of that passage, but only three or four words at a time throughout the whole movie.

Starting point is 00:28:10 So if you like, pay it if you wrote them down to unlock the secret message. Like he's gonna to scare Prima something. He's gonna gather all the things. Yeah, exactly. All right, so Caleb gets home and this time, mom's been a good mom. She's already home cooking. Like she should have been in the first place, right?

Starting point is 00:28:28 Yeah. She's like, look, I'm going all out. I'm making your dinner and everything. Yeah, going all out on this meal is she's got two tomatoes, a pepper and some celery. And yes, which apparently was already filled with some sort of sauce that didn't include the tomatoes at the cell. Right. No, sorry.

Starting point is 00:28:48 I made real dinner this time. Look at this cornucopia. I had a big thing. I guess. But it's really just celery and one pepper, but that's it. And we want you to do the, check the sauce thing at the beginning. Yes. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:29:01 Yeah. Checking the sauce is the only thing a movie cook will ever, ever do ever. Yes. You're right. That in stir. Yeah. And then, okay, so he's sat in the table. There's this amazing moment.

Starting point is 00:29:13 She goes, I've been having headaches lately and I had a test done and I need to talk to you about your father. Now, that is the least. Okay. It's my turn to talk now, sentence, ever fucking uttered. Right. But of of course Caleb will immediately go, my father were in a yellow fight now. Yeah, it does the annoying interpy thing that Christian movies do not understand how to do. And she's like, I'm dying. He's like,

Starting point is 00:29:36 dying to tell me about my father, right? And he's like, no, no Caleb, I've got cans, cans of tomatoes in that ballon a's right. Yes. And and him interrupting like that as people are trying to tell him the reveal might as well be this character's personality. For so long. So yes, but this ends up being at a yelling fight mom tells him that she found his pot, his reefers, his drawer. And he's like, you were going through my drawers. And she's like, right, now that makes me worse than you, doesn't.

Starting point is 00:30:11 But then he's annoyed with her for taking pills for her cancer. She's like, you know, those are pills for the whole cancer thing. Come on, that's a lot. And I wrote my notes at this point. During this, this conversation, the two actors here are performing this argument with genuinely all the conviction and authenticity of a GTA cutscene and this guy coming back to me. It's just got that feel all the way through. There's this amazing moment where she like silly smacks him and then apologize to the way. It's terrible. Yeah, and I want them to sort of walk off but be like walking into the wall for a few steps. Well, you just, you're going to slightly badly. He just skateboards the two feet to his room all. But the slap is so dumb. She clearly went way too hard on the first take of the scale. So this one was like arm out, tap with the hand just the hand. Well, so I don't even think she went too far.

Starting point is 00:31:06 I think no matter how lightly she smacked him, the actor would go, oh, right. And so this was that what she was left to. And yeah, my eye, you hit me in the eye. So this one's just like slap. So yeah, so she, they do that. He storms into us. Ruby turns his music up real loud. And outside the door, she's having a cancer attack

Starting point is 00:31:29 She does and in fair play to her Rosanna Rackette does a pretty convincing fit and convulsion Which I can only assume she learned from Uma Thurman that time with the old adults that just it come you get right back to it comes right back to you There you go. There you go a magic magic marker. Doesn't the homeless guy have one? A film pen. So yeah, oh, and I noticed you guys had some amazing music in doing it. The music, the lyrics of the music are genuinely, I'm dying inside while the mom is having a concert. Yes.

Starting point is 00:32:00 Dying inside. Look at mom with cancer. She's knocking on the door right now. She was in some films with the 90s. That was pretty good. We must be sick for a while. So yeah, so but but he he gives her just long enough to have her cancer attack and then he comes out. He's like, Oh, mom, there's a plot now. He actually goes, Hey, mom, wake up. And I'm like, you think she's taking a nap? You think she's just exhausted from a long day at work? But we cut to mom in the hospital, passed out. And Caleb's like, well, how long is she going to be like this?

Starting point is 00:32:33 And the doctor says this amazing line. He says, a coma can last a day or longer. That's all right. Cool. Okay. Glad I asked you an important question. Yeah. Yeah. And then at this point, the doctor walks out. And he very clearly leaves like a big steaming cup of coffee That's right, cool. I'm glad I asked you an important question. Yep, yep. And then at this point, the doctor walks out and he very clearly leaves like a big steaming cup of coffee on her bed tray over her bed.

Starting point is 00:32:51 Yes. And I thought, is that her coffee? Did he make the coffee? Yes, it's a coffee. And then I thought, I guess it's worth to try like in the car, too, maybe she'll be walking up by this moment because you'll get yourself if you didn't try it

Starting point is 00:33:03 and that would have worked. You take it. I also like the doctor. walking up by this month, because you'll get yourself if you didn't try it and that would have worked. I also like that the doctor one was like, all right, just going to check your cancer with my stuff. The only space worker doctor can ever do. Oh, no, there's an amazing other piece of space work that he learns for another seed. I can't wait to get to it. It's my favorite piece of space work. Oh, yeah. So I think I know where we're going there. But first, we have to cut to John Schneider. He's golfing in the dark because he's lonely. He's lonely,

Starting point is 00:33:30 like a rich person. Evil capitalist golf balls that he's hitting. Yes. But I will be hitting him out of an intern's mouth that he doesn't. So yeah. And then we cut to him. He's going, he's, he's got a fly to Santa Barbara. So he's going to the airport for his private plane. And there's a hot chick that wants to fuck him desperately. And it's so weird. This unnecessarily sexy British girl in a very sexy red dress who's at his private airport. And she's only there to prove that this guy fucks. That's the only person of her character.

Starting point is 00:34:02 Yep. 100% yeah. Yeah, she'll come back for another scene and then we'll never see her again, but just to cheer away the step into a literal refrigerator right after the scene. And also, by the way, she's like three years older, I think, than the guy playing his son. Oh, yeah. She's 30 years younger than him. It's kind of kind of fucked up.

Starting point is 00:34:23 So anyway, but he begrudgingly agrees to fuck her this weekend on Saturday, right? He's like fine, fine. We'll go out on a date on Saturday. And then he gets aboard the plane where Stupac is already there pouring over the documents, the blueprints for this big meeting that they're going to. They have this stupid ass argument

Starting point is 00:34:44 about where the staircase is supposed to go because they don't know any actual architect words or terms. They're apparently arguing with an engineer about where a staircase can go. And I know it's like, yeah, the engineer says the staircase is gonna go between the floors. Absolutely. No, this is my building on the staircase,

Starting point is 00:35:02 not between the floors. We're doing a quarter inch staircase and that's that on the bus. It's okay. And he's got a private jet. Yes, he just one of those architects that have got a private jet with a full time private crew as best as we can tell. Yeah, yep. Yeah, well, we'll learn later that they made the patronus towers.

Starting point is 00:35:19 So that's pretty big deal. So, but and there's also this great moment where he turns to Stu Pagan, he says, at the point of nothing, I have a much deeper and more developed character that was once an artist and didn't care about just money. And he's like, really? He's like, we'll learn more about that in Act Two. It's end of scene.

Starting point is 00:35:36 Yep. So, okay, so we check back in with Cancer Mom, Caleb slept at the hospital all night. Okay, so, space work, doctor. Dr. Watson, Dr. Looks at the mom in the bed. He takes out a pen. Yes, he writes himself a little note, and I hope the note reads,

Starting point is 00:35:54 still in coma. In the time goes by, or maybe sleeping, I don't know. I don't have my status go. Yep. So, so the doctor wakes up and he's like, hey man, I think you should go home. You know, she could be in this state for a little while. And he's like, thanks for, thanks for clearing up

Starting point is 00:36:14 all that ambiguity. He also says, right now, she just needs some rest. Yeah. He's in a bucket. Oh, my God. Describe bedrest for a coma in the movie. It likes to make it easy on him. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:34 That's one of the doctors wants to feel useful at that point. You're lucky. Well, you're already going to be unconscious in a bed. If I prescribe bedrest, I'll feel like I can't do something. Okay, lay down, stay. Nailing it. There's also this great moment where the doctor's like, here, take my card. Call me at home if you need anything. And I'm like, that's not how doctors work. What the fuck

Starting point is 00:36:52 is this all about? Yes, it's so weird. All right. So now we're going to skateboard to a little bit more rock and roll. We're at a at writer's house, I guess. Writer is the bad guy skater. And he's got a little quarterback in the guess. Writer is the bad guy, Skater, and he's got a little quarter pipe in the backyard. His name is writer. Yes, it is. This is stupid.

Starting point is 00:37:12 And we get to watch his evil side kicks. Skateboard the 10 feet from the front door of his house. He's in the side yard where they have the half pipe. Yes. It's through grass, yeah. Yeah, and they have to abuse nerdy brother-in-law pledge kid. There's no reason for this character, by the way. He there's no like resolution or whatever.

Starting point is 00:37:33 There's just going to be mean to him a couple of times. Yeah, he calls him bro and then ride it like probably snaps it. Don't call me bro. And I wrote, yeah, this is a dude group. And don't you forget it. Ha ha ha ha. And then we have to watch Joey, the filming kid. He dude group, and don't you forget it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha same as opening a soda no like I think they meant to have like shook it up first because that go on open the beer go on open the beer and then it squirts everyone you know what

Starting point is 00:38:10 an amazing J that the the cons squirted a little bit when you open the door okay we have fun around here yeah that does develop the character good point yeah yeah it does there you go all right so now we cut to Caleb's house he's trying to play skateboarding video games because skateboard is his whole personality. And then the mailman shows up with a big pile of bills for him. Well, who the fuck is this mailman? They're hired basically what looks like a porn star

Starting point is 00:38:34 to be the mailman. He opens up and he's like, Sup, man, pow, letters. And I was like, who is that? I looked it up. This is the writer of the movie. This isn't giving himself a cool cameo. Genuinely, I looked it up. Fantastic. fantastic Johnny you remore or whatever bullshit name he just

Starting point is 00:38:49 did. Have some letters. Later. The male man because I do it while I literally okay, I'm in. So yeah, I actually am. I do that in my most. So yeah, so he likes to smacks the big pile of bills. Whatever is he going to do, but just then he notices that among the bills is a check from his estranged long lost dad.

Starting point is 00:39:10 Right. So it turns out there's a check in there and then he starts rooting through his mom's drawers and her boxes and her closet and shit to see if he can find a few more. And going through your mom's drawers and the box that she keeps really high open her wardrobe is a risk movie could have got real good real fast no yeah, but he does find a few more letters so he gets on his laptop to do a bit of sleuthing

Starting point is 00:39:39 this is where he finds his dad's architecture website yeah, and it's amazing he didn't find it before. If you look at the address bar of the, the browser's got open, it's very clearly a file on his own desktop. So he could have stopped on the cross side at some other point in his life. So my documents make, come on. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:57 So Caleb heads to the office. There's this great moment where the secretary tries to stone wall him and he's like, I'm his son, he has to see me and she's like, well, if you just, if you give us your information, we will have him call you back. Hold on. No, I'll check with him. I'll check with him. She's in. I don't know. No, yeah. He says he's very busy. He's going out for a pack of cigarettes. He'll be right back though. He walks in there. There's like like he's tying bed sheets together. Something in the office, yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:27 It's so silly, but Caleb's brought his skateboard with him and at this point, I realize and it holds up to the rest of the film, the skateboard to come for Blanca from because there is nowhere he goes that he isn't carrying a skateboard through all everything he does. He's in the hospital, the skateboard just against the wall. Yep, sure is. He just curls up on it in the field position. So yeah, but so he storms into the office to tell John Schneider what's what, right? He like starts yelling at him.

Starting point is 00:40:55 He starts to storm off and then he storms back. He's just storming back and forth. I think he storm pacing at a certain point. And he's not telling to wait at one point. He said, I spent 18 years waiting. And then I guess like, into the 13-mull, probably as opposed to, I'm gonna lay it start at it.

Starting point is 00:41:13 And then dad's like, okay, no, I get it. I am sorry, I'm very sorry. So what about this? We go out for a real nice dinner, you order anything you want, double fries, whatever. Call it even. It's like, fuck you. I'm storming out now.

Starting point is 00:41:30 But then they get us to be like, wait, we have more lines I have to. You know what? I wanted to cut storm back in and keep talking. And now we do that now. Right. And he's doing that stupid ass thing where he keeps demanding answers and then cutting him off when he's to press answer. Good shit. Yeah. And he says aligned that I find completely

Starting point is 00:41:47 inexplicable. He says, you know, I'm what's assigned to refers to as a bastard. Do you know what that makes you? I'm like, genuinely, no, is there a word for the end of that? I don't know. I don't think that there is. So. So anyway, he's like, I've got an important scape montage to go to. And he wanders off. And but he's slammed down I've got an important scape montage to go to and he wanders off and but he's slammed down like the old love letters that mom kept or whatever. So now John Schneider just picks up one of the letters and reason we hear the voice over of him writing it as he reads the thing that he wrote as if to enter it into the fucking

Starting point is 00:42:20 record of this movie's back story. Yeah, he's like, you know, I love you and I want to marry you, but, you know, not while you're pregnant, ew. You got it. Basically the letter. Yeah, I got a shmurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr a nap, so we're gonna take a quick break. But we'll back in a flash with even more. Hard flip. Hi, sorry to bother you. Can you help me find something? Okay, you're looking at me like you heard my question.

Starting point is 00:42:56 I figured you would talk next? No? Okay, so I'm looking for a small container of time to make roasted potatoes. Five pound bags, I-late. Right, okay, thanks. But I'm just trying to make this one recipe for today. Do you have anything smaller than that? We've got bigger if that helps.

Starting point is 00:43:15 It does not. You know, you should probably try Hello Fresh. Oh, what's Hello Fresh? With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh fresh pre-proportioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on hello fresh to make home cooking easy, fun and affordable. And that's why it's America's number one meal kit. All right, but that sounds kind of expensive, is it? Actually, hello fresh is 72% cheaper than the average restaurant and it's even cheaper

Starting point is 00:43:44 than shopping right here at the grocery store. And they've got great recipes. My favorite is the Thai coconut curry tofu with bell pepper and cilantro lime rice. Yeah, that does sound pretty good. But what happens if I go on vacation? That's no problem. You can just update your delivery address, and you can have it sent straight to your destination. Okay, nice.

Starting point is 00:44:02 How do I sign up? Just go to HelloFresh.com slash awful16 and use the code awful16 for 16 free meals across seven boxes and three free gifts. Hold on, hold on. You're saying I just go to hellofresh.com slash awful16 and use the code awful16 for 16 free meals across seven boxes and three free gifts. That is exactly what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:44:27 Okay. I am definitely in. Just remind me, which aisle for the five pound bags of time? Oh, you're still going to buy that? Yeah. I'm thinking I'll keep what I need for like a week and sell the extra to my friends piece meal. Nice good plan.

Starting point is 00:44:42 Kind of like a time share. Oh my god. It's so good. Yeah, you know, some some sage advice for you there. Stop it. Stop it. Oh, I got a love funds. So good. You should. Rose marry me. Yeah, you made it weird. Sorry. Sorry. Stupid, I thought I haven't. Um. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff.

Starting point is 00:45:10 Uh, Mr. God, you wanted to see me? Yes, Shem's sale. Come on in. I have another assignment for you. Great, Mr. God. Great. Always happy to assist with a bit of divine intervention. Well, yes. That's because yours is an enslaved race that I've crafted for the sole purpose of doing my bidding. Right, right, best if we don't say that part. I'll loud though. Tell me about it.

Starting point is 00:45:32 Yeah, anyway, there's this kid Caleb, and I'm killing his mom with a tumor, so he's having a bit of a hard go on it. And I suppose laying off on the tumor, that's just how to the question where. Be serious, Jeb-sell. This is serious. Oh, yeah, of course, sir. Of course. So, what'd you have in mind?

Starting point is 00:45:49 Right, so I want you to manifest as a homeless guy and hold up cryptic signs at him. Again, sir. What? It's a great, that's a great bit. Well, it just seems like we could try something different this time. Like, maybe something where I'm not left eating literal garbage the entire time. I just, I, I feel like you eating garbage really sells the bit, no? Okay. Well, I can at least just write down the information for, for better help or something.

Starting point is 00:46:19 No, no, no, no, I'm thinking more stuff like, therefore therefore if anyone and he is a new creation What would those even mean or maybe God is good Seems seems a little self-serving Emmett Shemzele we're doing cryptic signs now get on board fine fine. Sorry. Yeah, but you totally stole this bit from Bruce all mighty I can't steal from Tom Shadja. If I made Tom Shadja. Yeah, okay, whatever Whatever's right And we're back from where this shit we're gonna open up on another fucking skating montage But eventually we'll settle in on writer and his sidekick hanging out with one of the, skaters that seem worse at acting than their

Starting point is 00:47:05 actors. It was a good another sign from Ralph. Oh, we do. Yeah. It just says is in Christ. And yeah, that's the next three words of that passage. He's meeting it out like it's a game show or something. Do you need another clue?

Starting point is 00:47:21 That's such a weird plan from God to send a message. So yeah, so and then this is where like the Dushi kids see Caleb and they're like, oh, it's the new kid who is very good at skateboarding. We're in a skateboard war with him. Yeah, and like, oh, is that the guy you're trying to recruit? Well, the one who's skating in a perfectly straight line and doing nothing but that, yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it was in off-crew. And recruit for what? To do what? Why? How? None of these ever get answered. Oh, it gets even worse because this is they're trying to get them to join the skate down, which is a ruleless contest that is even dumber than Quidditch's construction. Right? Yeah, I have no, we're gonna talk about it. I do not know what it's meant to be. I do not know how you meant to win.

Starting point is 00:48:09 I've seen the entire movie, no, no idea. Nope, no idea. They just tell Caleb about it. It's like, hey, you want to make money? Do the skate down tournament. Caleb's like, lame, I don't wanna. So what they've established is a bunch of questions that they never answer.

Starting point is 00:48:24 And also a conflict in which Caleb He only skates for the love of the game. I guess. Yes, and that's yeah, yeah So yeah, they're like you got a skate at the skate down. He's like I don't want no stupid money and sponsors And it's like you have a stack of fucking bills man. We've already given you the motivation The pieces together. Yeah, so oh and then we get this other useless scene with Denise, John Schneider's love interest, right, where he shows up a little late to the dinner and then he has to leave right away because he's just so busy. He has no time to fuck Denise.

Starting point is 00:48:56 Right. Did I imagine this? Or does the sexy British lady have a wrist tattoo that just says fuck? Wait, really? I'm pretty sure she has a fuck tattooed on her wrist. Like she's forgotten her purpose in the film. Like it was her most like, she's doing the whole kind of like,

Starting point is 00:49:10 what's my motivation? So she just couldn't remember. So it's just written right there. But yeah, he gets a call from Stupac. Stupac needs his help. So he's got to go back into work and has to cut the data off short. He has to go, he goes,

Starting point is 00:49:24 I'll pay for your wine. Yeah, I so proud. I like the, I like that she started drinking the wine already, because he was late. She's like, you're the wine, started drinking it. And he gets there, she's like, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:49:36 If there's a little bit left for you if you want. Oh, well, no, not much. There's like a half glass. But it's, it's clear he wants to say, I'll pay if you did it, but it stops at, that stops at just wine, because I mean, we didn't really eat anything yet. So technically, it's clear he wants to say I'll pay for you, Ditto, but it stops at just one because I mean, we didn't really eat anything yet. So technically, you're having Ditto by yourself at this point.

Starting point is 00:49:50 I don't know if you're going to get labs to it. I don't want to just go through that open end end. But yeah, date technically over. Wines on me. This is also where we find out that the reason he's going to the office is because he's got to deal with the Kobayashi building. Is he working for the lawyer from the usual suspect? Is this crossing over to that? I feel like they just had him say that, so it would be extra business-y, like it's international business with maybe a Japanese guy,

Starting point is 00:50:17 so he's on the phone. He's like, we got to make Kobayashi happy. Yep, yes, Yeah. Kobayashi is the name of a client that I have. And he looks at her. Kobayashi. It's so dumb. Yeah. So okay. So Caleb skates back to the hospital to see mom. She's out of the coma, but don't worry. The movie will forget that entirely in a few minutes. And it'll never fucking matter. Yeah. It's so weird. Again, he's in a hotel that is completely empty as well. He stands in the corridor, to the doctor and there's not another human being. Apart from the one that we can hear coughing very loudly, did they not do the quiet unset bit before they filmed this? Oh, was that to try and give the ambiance of a hospital? I think that's what it was. Yeah, they're like, no, it just doesn't look like a hospital at all. Dave

Starting point is 00:51:00 cough, yes. She's out to the coma now. So it has been a day. So the doctor was actually right with his initial prognosis. Oh, you're right. One day. You're right. I knew it wouldn't be less than that. I knew it would be.

Starting point is 00:51:13 It was the men. No, you nailed the range of comas. And this is great moment. He goes into torture. The doctor's like, you know, don't piss her off or anything. Don't fuck with her. She's still pretty delicate. And he goes in and he goes, how are you?

Starting point is 00:51:27 How are you? I'm doing great, man. Great, actually, I'm just fucking fine. And he goes, he starts to tell her that he met his dad, but then he remembers the doctor just now saying not to upset her so he doesn't, right? And then she passes out and he leaves. It's a one minute hospital visit. Yeah, yeah,

Starting point is 00:51:47 which he was told you can't see it for more than a few minutes. So what why even if she's in if she's not in the coma anymore, you can and if she's in the coma, you can stay all night. She's in a fucking cold. She was been resting while I was talking to her. So yeah, so he goes to leave and this is where he realizes he needs to get sick because she asks about the art school applications again He hasn't even filled him out. So now he realizes he's got to get serious about going to art school I'm pretty sure the application forms that he picks up from his desk where they've been the entire time I'm pretty sure they're all completely blank because this film didn't even have two copies of application form And we've got to give these back at the end of the day.

Starting point is 00:52:25 We can't write. We can't. The tag is still on. So we cut back over a little bit more skating, writer of the douchey, she getting his skateboarder sidekicker calling Joey the filming kid to remind him apparently that his motivation is to get Caleb to be part of the skate down. Okay.

Starting point is 00:52:47 So the video guy, Joey, right? Yeah. He's editing together a video of Caleb. He was secretly stalking Caleb. And getting Caleb's amazing skating talent on video. So the movie, were they trying to make a plot about skateboarding espionage? That the very least is a plot.

Starting point is 00:53:09 It's so fucking, it's so fucking weird because why there's no reason. Yeah. Well, and then Caleb gets a text that says meet me at the boardwalk, Joey. And of course, we don't even know at this point that this character's name is Joey. But like the only interaction that Caleb and Joey have had in the entire fucking movie is he sees him filming him and says, hey, don't film me. And then Joey is like snuck around behind him filming him. Like, what, how does he have his phone number? So he was like, don't film me. Let's exchange numbers really. Yeah, right. Clearly, I'm going to skateboard the 10 feet out of the frame. And we do see him skate to the meeting, right?

Starting point is 00:53:45 And then when he gets there, Joey's like, you're here finally. I don't know. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, I took me a while because I had to let a stuntman borrow my ball for a bit. We have to change outfits. It did take a while. So he's like, yeah, man, you got to do the skate down and he's like, that's exactly what we talked about the last time you and I interacted.

Starting point is 00:54:03 Why is this scene even necessary? Because you still got to say no, they don't do anything in this plot and this in this moment in the movie. This could be an email. Did I give you my email? Let me give you an email. It's a meeting. He's like, look, I can't do this.

Starting point is 00:54:18 Skate down. I'm in the middle of a whole big plot with my mom and he's like, are you sure it's another subplot? He doesn't feel like a subplot. How much money do you need for your subplot? Like a free grand. That's the amount for fixing cancer. Right. Yeah. So, yeah, so he gets a call and it's about mom, so he has to leave.

Starting point is 00:54:36 Right. And at this point, he's just going from scene to scene via the the behalf of phone calls and texts. And it's even more like a GTA cutscene at this point. I've got a text on the internet. I need to get the next quick. Someone given 10 of a thing to go and collect and he'll do that. He's like, West one is on. All right. So, but then he goes home after going to the hospital.

Starting point is 00:54:56 There's no, I don't, who the fuck knows what the phone call was. It's just, hey, your mom's still in a coma. And he's like, oh, I better rush over there. But then he goes home and he sees that there's an eviction notice on the door. Right? He has three days to pay the rent or get the fuck out. Yeah. The eviction process in movies is insane. It's like, pay now or your house turns into a literal pumpkin at midnight. That's how you pick it works.

Starting point is 00:55:19 He's like, fuck, I need exactly the amount that I was offered moments ago. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So he's like, all right. Now I'm in for the skate I was offered moments ago. Right. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, all right, now I'm in for the skate, then it goes back to choices. Now I'm in for the skate down and joy's like, okay, by the way, there's a $400 entry fee. And I'm like, okay, this is now a scam. This is a mistake.

Starting point is 00:55:36 Yeah, I'm mentioning that at the start. Absolutely, you're mentioning that at the start. And I wrote in my notes, the only thing that makes sense for that entrance free, which is like, wow, $400, that's very slightly less than the amount of money. Dad just wanted to give me. I wonder how I'll get that money. Answer, not that way. Yes. A different way.

Starting point is 00:55:52 Yes. He forges a bad check for the $400. And I was like, he just, I think on the next table, there's a check for $500. I don't know. She would have an extra whole stack of them. You could buy wee. He's a checker five five hundred dollars. You would have an extra whole stack of them. You could buy we the whole stack of the checkers. Right. Mom wasn't caching the child support payments. For some reason, it made her a good mom for some reason that she wasn't caching the child support payments. There's literally thousands of pounds of checks there, but no, instead, you're going to scam your cancer mom out of four hundred

Starting point is 00:56:20 dollars. We know she doesn't have. Right. Yeah, exactly. She's the one getting evicted for fuck's sake. Yeah. At this point, he's happy to pay money. He doesn't have to enter a competition. He doesn't want to be part of that's the plot of this film. Well, also if you're just going to forge a check, forge a check, just write a check for the fucking rent. Right? So, but it's okay. So Joey is going to help him forge his check. He's like, all right, well, I helped you forge the check. So now I get 10% of your winnings. And fucking Caleb is like, well, yeah, obviously you would get 10% of the winnings of it. You forged the, what? You can, you can literally write, don't accept me on every line except for the one with the numbers

Starting point is 00:57:00 in it. And then cash of fucking check. There's no talent here. All right, so then John Schneider goes to visit mom in the hospital. She's back in the coma now apparently. There's this great moment. He's in there like leaning over. The doctor comes in and he goes, Hey, are you related to her or what the hell is going on here? He's like, good on the doctor. He's like, I don't like labels.

Starting point is 00:57:25 We share a son. Why exactly? We share a son. That's a crazy way of saying that. No one has ever said that. No one's ever expressed that in those words. Incredible. It's so.

Starting point is 00:57:38 Also, there's a really fun bit that he says, I'm the dad. I'm what Jack, I'm the dad. And the doctor says, oh, yeah, I'm doctor dad, I'm what Jack, I'm the dad. And the doctor says, oh yeah, I'm doctor. He introduced himself as doctor. Yes. Was this act of challenging by the word? And so we can't afford for you to have a first name on the free.

Starting point is 00:57:56 Are you doctor, doctor, or are you slowly, so stringing? And he's like, well, I demand the very best care for her. I'll pay for it. The doctor's like, well, you're wearing a suit and a green tie. You must have a ton of money. I guess we'll just take your word for it. Yeah. So let's up the care.

Starting point is 00:58:14 Because the doctor says the insurance doesn't even cover the work we've already done. Is that how insurance insurance works in America? They do the work and then help afterwards. You can pay for it. Oh, I thought they check ahead of time. Marshall, first of all, yes. And what's happening here is called capitalist medicine. Every time it's happening here.

Starting point is 00:58:31 Okay. Yeah. So actually, this is, so they're required to give you life saving treatment, right? If you absolutely need it to be alive, they have to give it to you, whether you can pay for it or not. So that's what they're saying has happened. Right. Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:44 Is that they've given or like the life saving treatment, but I insurance won't even cover that. Gotcha. Okay. And now you die poor. Yeah. Right. Absolutely. But free, but free. So okay. Now we're going to cut back to the fucking zombie movie levels of empty office where John Schneider works. Right. Right. Was it just my copy, or did the audio go totally fucking weird on this scene? Like the entire scene was really badly ad-yard after in a totally different, in a swimming pool. And it didn't go swimming pool.

Starting point is 00:59:16 By actors whose first language isn't English, but they're just, they've learned the sounds phonetically. The audio was so variable in this movie, it was just crazy. Sometimes they're in a bowling alley Shouting at you from the other side where the pins are. It's just yeah, so but yeah, so the secretary comes in and she says Are you allowing your personal life to interfere with your business? Which is very unlike your personality? And he's like, let me monologue to you by the window here for a moment Perfection Sally. She's like, what?

Starting point is 00:59:46 Art is passion. Look out this window. Tell me your feelings about perfection out this way. And she's like, I really just need to sign this one form. So the whole thing is like, I just, passion beauty life. Okay. I have a lunch rest. I'll just figure it out.

Starting point is 01:00:02 So yeah, so he's just talking about how artist passion and how they don't make beautiful things anymore and kids these days don't want to work or something. And the secretary is like, can you just kind of book you a fucking meeting or something? And then stupac comes in, right? And he's like, good, stupac, just the guy I wanted to see. We have to redo all the work you've done again. Bwahaha. Am I supposed to actually say Bwahaha? Okay, Bwahaha. But what he says is the project with the Kobe Ashi building, the project is almost finished, but the project is building the building. It's not just designing it. You would assume. So like, but say, oh yeah, the project's

Starting point is 01:00:41 finished. They just want to change the layout, the layout of the building right the one that he said is like 90% done Yes, yes, okay, you know what we're doing a jenga. We're doing the good old Starting over quarter inch to the left So yeah, he's like the client wants a new layout so we're gonna have to work all night again tonight and stupid It's like enough. I've had enough. I have to go to my kids fucking baseball game and John Schneider's like you just fucking no Fuck your kid in a stupid fucking baseball game playoffs you talking about play But Stu Pax ready with a long very Christian speech about work life balance, right? Yes about how important

Starting point is 01:01:21 Family is and how he feels sorry for John Schneider's character for never taking time to have a family. And I could not listen to his speech. So I was so thrown by the fact that at the start of it, he stood up like he was about to burst into song. And it just completely threw me. I was like, what is happening? Is this a musical now?

Starting point is 01:01:38 Well, he didn't. He didn't. But he definitely had that vibe when he stood up. Yeah. And then after he storms out, we linger on John Schneider like the movie, like the camera's going like, dude, you have one more fucking line. So you got that one.

Starting point is 01:01:49 And you just won't do it. All right, and now more skating, right? It's time for the big skate down. Is it a race? Is it a fucking freestyle competition? No, and no. What the fuck is it? The one thing we know is that they were given an hour

Starting point is 01:02:08 to memorize the course, apparently. You don't know what, you don't find out where it is until an hour beforehand, so it's a surprise skate down. But when you get there, everyone's like, right, has everyone memorized the course? Right, when? How is that even possible? Because you didn't even know Caleb was coming.

Starting point is 01:02:22 He's just turned up now. You didn't even know for certainly was coming. How is turned up now. You didn't even know for certain he was coming. How he memorized the calls. It's so fucking stupid because they did, because they'd say earlier, they're like, where is it? And they're like, they don't tell us until an hour beforehand. They didn't have to add that into the movie.

Starting point is 01:02:36 No, they can say, you know that course that's clearly marked out that we all use? It's that. They did, this was just unnecessary stupidity. And they're like, all right, I hope you guys can keep up. And then unnecessary stupidity and they're like all right I hope you guys can keep up and then they start as though they're gonna do a race yes but if you're doing a race you wouldn't do tricks and shit no and there's not like a panel of judges following along scoring their tricks or something no and you don't even have to

Starting point is 01:03:00 skateboard the whole time yeah they just get off the board and run for a little bit. Yeah, he just keeps jumping around and doing shitty parkour here and there. What the fuck are the rules here? I could have won this race. I'm not good at skate. I could have just ran. I would have just ran and won the race. Yep. But from all of them, Joey must clearly be the best skater, all of them, because he's, he's filming, he's filming the entire thing, but he's also keeping up with him perfectly on a skateboard while filming. And at some point, he's ahead of them. If he's a race, he's winning while filming and going backwards, he's such a better state. But okay, but just then a car comes by and Joey and Caleb get knocked down because I Caleb is trying to save

Starting point is 01:03:45 joy from getting hit by the car, right? So they get knocked down. Caleb falls behind in the race and just then a cop shows up and arrests. Scalch is immediately handcuffs of where he's laying handcuffs. Yes. And puts him in a car. We have seen him break no law here. No, this isn't illegal street racing.

Starting point is 01:04:07 This isn't like drag racing. This isn't like, you know, taking your sports cars through the city and break it. You're just skating around the public streets. He's on a public street. That's the other thing is that they could have put this back in a parking lot where they weren't supposed to be or something, but he's on. He's very clearly on the street. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:24 So fucking dumb. All right, so then he goes to skateboard jail. Oh, okay, but really though, the real, like, this happens and I was like, what, they're handcuffing him for fucking felony skateboarding, smash cut to literal jail. Yeah, thrown in the cell. And a cop is like, we're gonna get him untrespassing and felony

Starting point is 01:04:47 banalism. Bantalism. Where is that from? What would that even refer to? I mean, the trend like, okay, maybe they trespassed it some part of the course, seems a little hard to make that stick. But where the fuck would banalism come from? Jesus, it's your movie.

Starting point is 01:05:03 You could have made him banalize. Yes. Right. I could have said that he did something right at the beginning. There you go. Yeah. So they're like, so you get your one phone call and he's like, I've got no one to call. And then the pedophile guy smiles at him. He's like, I just thought of someone to write, why is there a leering guy in a full orange jumpsuit? So is this, is this jail or is this prison? Do you don't get the orange jumpsuit in jail where you've just been taken when is this prison? Do you, you don't get the orange jumpsuits in jail where you've just been taken when you've been arrested. So he's in full

Starting point is 01:05:28 prison. Caleb's only meant to be 80. They don't send 18 year old trespassing skaters directly to the maximum security sex offender prison. Right, buddy. He finally decides, all right, I'm going to take my one call because of this jumpsuit guys pretty creepy. If you get one call and you don't act like if you want to make, I would call like one nine hundred sex chat and ring. Oh, fun. Yeah. I feel like that's the move, right? There you go. There you go. They have to let you. Yeah, but I don't think they do. But he can, he calls John Schneider and he's like, all right, you got to bail me out of jail. So then we get him like driving him away from jail. We get John Schneider and he's like, all right, you got to bail me out of jail. So then we get him driving him away from jail.

Starting point is 01:06:06 We get John Schneider driving Caleb away from jail and going like, oh, it's pretty serious. You got went to jail for trespassing, and now I'm gonna chew you out like a dad or something. Yeah, he says, you've now got a criminal record. Is that do you instantly get a criminal record for first offense vandalism? Like when you haven't actually vandalized anything or even been investigated.

Starting point is 01:06:27 Yes, imaginary vandalism. No, last year. No white kid. Yeah. Yeah. So he's like, you don't know what I'm going through and he goes, like, yes, I do. And he goes, no, I work it in a picture from the house. And he goes, oh, well, you know, I sent a bunch of fucking checks, right?

Starting point is 01:06:44 Like you still have them. and he goes, oh, well, you know, I sent a bunch of fucking checks, right? Like, you still have them. You could just cash those and then you wouldn't be evicted. Yeah, that's what child support is for. He wasn't being generous in sending you away. That's what child support is. Right. But your mom was bad.

Starting point is 01:06:58 Your mom was bad for not taking the child support money and getting evicted. I'm not saying she deserved the cancer. I'm just saying it's bad. Right. Yeah. No, it's a lot worse than like leaving you food in the oven, for example, when you get home. So okay.

Starting point is 01:07:12 So now we're back on the fucking D.P. Sweet backyard quarter pipe where it writers house and all of us hanging out. And they're all like, you know, drinking beers and being bad. And Joey, the filming kid, he says, he makes the mistake of saying, well, yeah, who knows who one of one's skate down if Caleb hadn't gotten arrested. So that's a gauntlet being thrown down clearly. And the evil skate guys respond to that is basically, yeah, fair, actually, he was doing pretty well. He was, yeah, he was, yeah, he's done a lot of things.

Starting point is 01:07:42 Takes the challenge pretty well, actually. Yeah. So he has to, he has to fuck with his step brother a little bit and he has to like, you know, be mean to the pledge kid or whatever. But yeah, so ultimately he's like, no, but actually fair, fair, yeah. And the plot here is them being like, okay, we need that random stranger kid

Starting point is 01:07:58 that all of us have never met before like three days ago to do another skate down with us. Yes, why? They have his $400. Yeah. Why would they ago to do another skate down with us. Yes. Why? They have his $400. Yeah. Why would they need to do anything? Why did any of this happen or why would anything else happen?

Starting point is 01:08:12 As if to throw you off of the scent of that question, the very next scene is the step brother, he goes to ride on the quarter pipe and rider stops him and he says, hey, you're my shitty step brother and I hate you. You don't get to write out my quarter pipe. And I was like, are you, why are you adding this character? We will never see this character again. No, no, no, absolutely not. That was it for that character.

Starting point is 01:08:35 All right, so then we cut to Caleb. He's calling the landlord to see if that maybe they can give him an extension on that rent for mom being in a cancer coma, which to be fair, fairly probably would have done. But it looks like that already paid that rent. You see, I'm pretty sure in this scene, the cameraman was on like a bolt on the choppy oceans of the kitchen. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:08:59 I feel seasick watching this scene. Oh Paul Greengrass. He wasn't. Yeah. The camera is bobbing around like the guys looking for a place to set it down so he can pee. Yeah, or like it's slightly too hot and he's got a sort of transfer behind him. Yeah, it's just about the oven.

Starting point is 01:09:14 Blair Witch walks over. Hey, just calm it down. Calm it down. There you go. Just hold it right there. So yeah, so then we cut to John Schneider getting home from work. He pulls out his box of pertinent memories of his kid that he wishes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:28 In the hotel room, in the hotel room that he very clearly, because he's very clearly a hotel. I think you're maybe super fancy architects actually do live full time in hotels. Or maybe this is just what happens when Kobe actually demands that the 99% complete building suddenly has a totally different layout. I find yourself in what looks like a hotel room in your house. So all right. So then Caleb goes to the hospital to see Mom, but he catches John Schneider delivering a monologue to unconscious mom as he walks in. So he does the movie thing where he overhears

Starting point is 01:09:58 it. So he steps back and listens to the whole monologue, right? It's it luckily for him though, he got the very beginning of the monologue, right? He's it luckily for him though, he got the very beginning of the monologue, right? He walks in and he's like, so here's what I have to say, right? But yeah, his monologue essentially is, I sure wish I had been part of Caleb's life. I would have been much happier had I been a unsuccessful person with a family, right? Please forgive me. I forgive you. What? She forgives me. Oh, hey Caleb.

Starting point is 01:10:27 Yeah. Yeah. So Caleb comes in. He demands to know why he's here. And he's like, I was, I was obviously doing a dramatic monologue. You heard it. Yeah. Just Caleb is angry that he's done.

Starting point is 01:10:37 He's done the thing that he was angry for him not doing in the previous thing. That's the way we all hear. Yep. And then Caleb goes, how is she? And I'm like, how would he know any better that she's laying their unconscious? Dude, that's, I mean, we all have access to the same information. Yeah, but he says no change. But like, no change from when she was out of the coma last time we saw her, right? Right. Like what more are you expecting? Like no, she's, she's allowed to the coma, but her cancer hasn't spontaneously

Starting point is 01:11:02 remissed if that's what you're asking. Or like if she's back in the coma, that's changed. That is a change. Right. No, it is. It is and she is. Yeah. So he's like, I'm going to go get a coffee. Do you want coffee?

Starting point is 01:11:13 And he's like, no, I only drink water because I'm 18. And he goes, okay, sure. And so he leaves and then Caleb has a dramatic monologue with mom, like a dueling monologue to some moment or something. God, she had to listen to all this. I mean, the actor, like, person's gonna come up with the actor had to just lay there and be like, God, you guys know I'm an actor.

Starting point is 01:11:36 You're terrible at monologues. She, and Caleb says, everything you did was to protect me. So yeah, but like, except the bit where you lost the house because you didn't cash your child support. And instead you made two jobs and became an alcoholic. Yeah, that wasn't a great bit of moment. No, it wasn't.

Starting point is 01:11:52 Yeah, no, it makes very little sense. So then, then we immediately cut from that to her funeral. Whoa, that is so rough. I walk in the funeral. So any change? Yeah, she's So we all laughed at this right the instant cut to funeral was Laugh out loud moment smash cut to a funeral. It's the first one. I've seen yes Yeah, we don't even get a death scene

Starting point is 01:12:15 So did they run out of archette money because they were already on the cheapest archette surely What I love to is like this would have been obviously if you had a better actor, this would have been a perfect moment as he's delivering the monologue to hear the flat line and everything and him yelling, Doctor, Doctor, come and quick or whatever. That's how every other movie would do it. But I don't even think they could afford the little BP machine. And I don't think that this actor could have pulled it off so they just messed up on the fucking view.

Starting point is 01:12:42 What's amazing is they probably have that scene, right? And they were just like they were editing the movie and went, no, no, we're gonna fill that time with more skate montage. Should we have enough for the rights to, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, do have to stop paying. So yeah, so we get the funeral a lot of Jesus here so that grandma won't leave yet. Yeah, also she's surrounded by the funeral. We are surrounded by a perfectly diverse cast of mourners who we've never seen before. Yeah. Like they came as part of a funeral package. If you go for the gold package, we'll find attractive diverse people from all sorts of backgrounds. He'll be there pretending to want like they made a college brochure.

Starting point is 01:13:27 Twenty feet away right before this. They're like, right, I always should probably stick around to be rude to leave now. Yeah. So and then Caleb dips out mid funeral prayer. He's like, I fuck all this and he starts to walk off and I'm like, go Caleb, right? But John Schneider follows him and he's like, no, we must have a confrontation here beside the grave. He's like, really?

Starting point is 01:13:49 Right here with it because everybody can see us confronting. And they're like, yeah, no, we have to do that. And we have to do it with more shaky cam, apparently. Yeah. There's this great moment where he's like, you know, when I was a kid, you were never around. So on career day, I told my friends that you were an astronaut. You weren't even on the planet because I was dumb as fuck is a nice, maybe not to believe that.

Starting point is 01:14:12 It's such a stupid lie. What is stupid lie to tell? Yeah. And dad is like, what? That's stupid lie. And then just move on. I would think Mike and live in that there is a great Retort that John Schneider gets here though because like Caleb is like I hate you And he's like I hate me so much better than you do though, and I'm like yeah, that's actually that's pretty solid I'm gonna use that. Yeah, he says I hate myself ten times more than you Yeah, that's not a big enough number No, I mean we're all on at least a hundred times. How much we hate it.

Starting point is 01:14:46 So yeah, even now pacing us. Right. Yes. But he's like, I want another chance. And he's like, it's not even act three yet. He's like, it's almost act three. Come on. But then he walks off.

Starting point is 01:14:59 And I feel like if the main character gets to walk off, so should we? So we're going to take one last break. But first, let me give act three the hard sell. Will Caleb win the competition and earn the money to pay his, rip, wait, actually, we never might, uh, will, uh, will Caleb's mom survive her? No, wait, no, will this movie establish and resolve stakes in time? Find out the answer to that question and that's it. When we return for the gnarly conclusion of hard flip, what stakes are there going to

Starting point is 01:15:30 be stakes? We're going to swole cycle gym. I'm Chad Brad. You ready to get swole? Hi, Chad Brad. Yeah. I'm Michael and I'm thinking about signing up for the gym, but I'm really just trying to get back into a healthy routine I got pretty busy over summer. I just fell out of regular exercise. Great. Great. What do you need to get smushed?

Starting point is 01:15:52 Lats, delts, traps, tries, buys. Yeah, I'm not sure I'm trying to get anything smushed. I just want to get back on track with fitness a little bit. Well, it sounds like you want fit pod. Oh, I know what are you doing here? Oh, I just, I actually really hate this guy. So I come here and tell people about fit pod for spite. He does. Okay. Yeah. That tracks. So what is fit pod?

Starting point is 01:16:14 It's a smart workout app that gives you a dynamic exercise program based on your personal goals, experience and equipment. Their algorithm tracks all your data and set you up with a great workout every time using your iOS or Android device. I've been using it myself and it's super easy to stay on track. Even when my schedule moves around, I can fit in workouts no problem. That sounds perfect, but is it expensive? Not at all.

Starting point is 01:16:35 You can get a full year of FitBod for the cost of one session with Chad Bread here, so keep your workout momentum going with personalized workouts from FitBod that get you tougher as you go. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free when you sign up now at fitbod.me slash gam. That's 25% off your subscription or try it free at fitbod.me slash gam. Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go with FitBod. You don't wanna smash some reps? No, nope.

Starting point is 01:17:01 You're okay, no? Please stop. A creesh? What? Hey Chad, Brad, you want a treat? Hey! You want a treat? Nope nope nope. You're okay, no. Please stop. A creesh. What? Hey Chad, Brad, you want a treat? Hey. You want a treat?

Starting point is 01:17:09 Go get it. Booting! Boom! What? What was that? I caught up in a little catcher's man. Nice nice. Hey, Officer Malley.

Starting point is 01:17:21 You uh, you wanted to see me captain? Yeah, yeah. It's about that skateboarder. You arrested yesterday. Oh, you mean the uh, you wanted to see me, Captain? Yeah, yeah. It's about that skateboarder you arrested yesterday. Oh, you mean the, uh, trespassing vandal that I arrested? No, no, because all he was doing when you came on the scene was lying on the street. So wow. Yeah, you're, you're right, Captain. I should have got him for J walking too.

Starting point is 01:17:40 No, no, not the point. No, uh, failure to signal. No, no, oh, Mally, look, I'm noticing a bit of pattern with you. Like, you remember the lady you arrested in the convenience store for theft last week. Captain, that sign very clearly said, take a penny, not three pennies, a penny. Okay. And the old man you arrested for cruelty to animals. That corgi sweater was terrible, Captain. Okay.

Starting point is 01:18:06 That's really not the point. You're really missing the point. Look, you can't just go around arresting everyone all the time. Not everybody's breaking the law at every moment. Yes, they are, Captain. No, no, they're literally not. No, no, that's actually the whole point. The laws are written in such a way that it's virtually impossible for anybody to

Starting point is 01:18:25 really follow all of them. So everybody just feels like they've got skeletons in their closet, even when they haven't done anything immoral. It justifies indiscriminate detention while also leaving people with a subtle feeling that their freedom is an unarmed favor granted to them by the state. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. We really are bastards. Hey, your words cap, not mine, your words. Like all of us.

Starting point is 01:18:55 And we're back for yet still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with homeless Ralph preaching at the beach. Yeah, this time his sign says God is good. So he just gave up on second Corinthians five and that pattern. And he says, and Peter said, Lord, how many times should I forgive someone? Seven times and Lord said, no, 70 times seven times. So yeah, I get that that's a different Bible quote or whatever, but that's a weird pick. First of all, it's okay. So for 90s, it's weird for rounded up to 500 times.

Starting point is 01:19:30 I mean, it seems like a rule that can be abused and also just weird that God would speak in math problems just the number you want. I do wish they had gone with the rest of the court and he had to put like figure, I going to do the no 70 times on one sign because then it looks like he's just saying 70 times. You got a hope that he definitely yeah right right otherwise he's only going to forgive them 70 times that's not 490 times yeah. That's okay so and then Caleb shows up and he's like, God is not great. My mom's dead. You're God sucks. And then he goes to skate somewhere. Yeah, this is my best worst.

Starting point is 01:20:09 This was like, Hey, man, problem of fucking evil. You God's messenger fuck you. And he's like, yeah, that's rough. No, yeah, you got me. You got me on that one. So, okay, it's time for the least contactful fight that it is possible to film. Caleb goes up to the drug dealing bad boys that he raced with or competed within an unclear way to demand his $400

Starting point is 01:20:36 back. How long has it been? This is the thing that always confuses me because he's had time for his mother to die, get her affairs in order and be buried since the competition. Like Christian movies never remember how long it takes to bury someone. So it's like, well, mom died, but then the next day she was buried. And I went to get my money back. Well, it was a smash cut, though, Mars. No time. That is true. She wasn't even dead yet. So yeah, but he's like, I need my $400 back. And first of all, to their credit, like, no, you don't get your four.

Starting point is 01:21:08 You're the one who got fucking arrested in the middle of the freestyle race hybrid. And then they have this silly ass slow ocean, hunch two, three, and kick three, kind of a moment. Yeah, we get a, kind of a moment. Yeah, we get a huge swing and a miss from, you know, Hensch skater number three or whatever. It's so slow and it's like, I'm gonna punch that apple off the top of your head. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:39 Like he's being caught a tense shot from behind by a sexual harassing. a tense shot from behind by a sexual harassing tennis coach. Yeah. And then they hold him back and they punch him in the stomach and then they kick him from off screen. And then he lays there and they walk away, right? We will also never revisit that $400. We're done with that flatline as well. Nope.

Starting point is 01:22:01 That's no longer important. Yeah. They also don't take his skateboard, which I thought was weird. I guess it's like a code of honor. Yeah, yeah. Or orders and fights. You look because well, I guess otherwise you can't leave or go anywhere because walking is impossible.

Starting point is 01:22:12 Right. You're just have to live there. It would have been funny if they just like took the board and tried to walk out and he just like stopped on the edge like a video game that wouldn't. So okay, so he heads back home and he goes through the cabinets until he finds his mom's booze and his mom's pills. He's going to end it once and for all, guys.

Starting point is 01:22:34 So we're going to cut between his one pill at a time suicide attempt and his dad finishing up his architect. It's okay. This is terrible. It's a suicide attempt scene, but he's eating the pills like they're delicious peanuts and he's like, I need a couple more, couple more. I really should stop.

Starting point is 01:22:52 I wanted the pills to be for like menstrual cramps or something, he's just in there for a chance and like crazy later, he's like, I should have read the thing. He's also, he's drinking this vodka, like I'd say five milliliters at a time. Like it's the bottle of vodka that his mum was drinking out of. There's maybe five mills missing. So she was such a big alcoholic that she had the first five mills in that bottle. He's okay. But I guess you drink it in five mill mouthful. So I guess I'll do that. Take a pill, five mill, take a pill.

Starting point is 01:23:18 Yes. You know how cocaine addicts always have like, you know, most of the bags still left the next day. Yeah. It's like that. It's like that. Yeah. But dad decides as he's driving home, he's like, you know what? I think, oh, oh, sorry, this is very important. Caleb yells at God mid suicide attempt. Yeah. Right.

Starting point is 01:23:37 That's how we know act three is beginning. He yells at God. Why would you do this to be in big life so hard? And just then as though God heard his prayer, dad turns around in his car and starts going to check on. Yeah. And dad gets out of the car when he gets the Caleb's and he's got his tie on done. So you drove all that way with the tie on done is a really weird job because if you want to take a tie off because you'll sick of having a time. Yes, take it off. You don't need to leave it around your head. You're

Starting point is 01:24:04 in your own car. Yeah, he might have got a call from Kobayashi and would have a tire. Right, that's fair. So he goes over to the house, he knocks on the door, there's no answer. So he goes in, he finds Caleb all passed out and Caleb is passed out with a bottle of pills in his fucking hand and he's like, I wonder why he's so sleepy. Yeah, so sleepy. It takes so long. What is this, Amoxas Cillin for just like a cold or a...

Starting point is 01:24:29 Oh no. Oh, it's not. Suicide stuff. Also turn a goddamn light on. There's so many scenes in this movie where he's in a house and he's looking for something. You would turn lights on. You're right. You're not depressed, but I think that's why it takes him like six minutes to read the side of the bottle before

Starting point is 01:24:48 you read love the bottle of pill before you realize something wrong because he reads every single line of the small print on the side of the bottle before he's like, he's not operating heavy machinery. So by mouth, it looks like he did mouth. That's every four hours. Hopefully he did every four hours. Maybe it's fine. Also, just be clear, Caleb has got his comfort skateboard by his side. He brought his comfort skateboard to his suicide, which at least is nice. He went out comforted.

Starting point is 01:25:13 He went out comforted. What's really amazing is that John Schneider is going to take it with him now, right? That he does. He does. He wheels him into the hospital on the ski. Right. You can't lock it. But not hospital.

Starting point is 01:25:28 No, not hospital. No, he doesn't go to the hospital. No, he doesn't go to the hospital. He takes him to his house. He calls the doctor from before at home and he says, look, I'd like to keep this on the down line. Like, why? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:39 Hey, Doc, it's like, oh my god, he's having, he's having overdose. Quick, get into an oncologist, staff. Right. Yeah, he calls the oncologist and he's like, yeah, so you know, I could do the ER. That's probably the standard route. But I was in the middle of season two of Ted Lasso. Can we go to my house and you just figure it out?

Starting point is 01:25:57 And the doctor said yes. Yeah, no idea why he says yes. He says the doctor, you know, I think he might have gotten into some of his mother's medication. He's not a dog, gotten into. No. He's not three. He didn't think it was candy. Yeah, but just I guess to make sure that he doesn't have to deal with a social worker

Starting point is 01:26:15 that would insist he gets the help he so desperately needs, he doesn't want to take him to a hospital. So the doctor's like, yeah, no, I will come and treat your overdosing child in your home. Man, I've barely ever met. That's how doctors work. So yeah, so he, he, he, he, he, he, we get him coming downstairs at John Schneider's house. And he's like, well, I pumped his stomach. He should be fine now.

Starting point is 01:26:38 He pumped his stomach. He pumped the stomach at his dad's house. He brought a gastric pump with him to the dad's house. But I've, I've never had my stomach pumped. I've never seen it done, but it's, it's not a tidy thing to do in this fancy bedroom. I can't imagine. I think all you need is a stethoscope, right? You just have to put a pen to write down stomach. Pum. Yeah. Exactly.

Starting point is 01:27:00 This is an oncologist one more time. Right. Pumped his stomach. Right. He's like, he should be fine. Now he just needs to sleep off the suicide attempt. He's like, here, Doc, take some money and the doctor's like, I don't want your money. And I'm like, I think the doctor would want his money. I mean, take it. Is it even legal for the doctor to come round your house and perform this in his off duty

Starting point is 01:27:18 time? Absolutely not. No, because he's not insured. Surely, if you're doing a stomach pump on a suicide attempt at suicide in a place that's not equipped for it. Yeah. Or in any way to encourage not going to the ER in this exact moment. Well, exactly.

Starting point is 01:27:32 You're not reporting it. Like, yeah, exactly. At some point. Yeah. So, okay, the next morning Caleb wakes up at his dad's place, his skateboard is right beside him. Love it. And he's in a paraplegia. So, right beside him. Love it. And he's in a paraplegic jam.

Starting point is 01:27:45 So, he changed it. So someone changed him. Yes, yes. Maybe I don't know. Maybe he called a prostitute too. He's like, I got a doctor and now let me get, yeah. I don't know, I get to get the kid laid at least. But yeah, so they dressed him in PJs at some point.

Starting point is 01:28:02 Hey Denise, you're like my son's age, right? Ha, ha, Denise, you're like my son's age, right? Yeah. So he wakes up and he runs off to puke because they don't know how things work in the world. What is he thought? He's had a stomach pump. What is he throwing up? His stomach is by definition empty at this point. That's how that's going.

Starting point is 01:28:21 Yeah. No, he just wakes up. He's got a hangover after the stomach pumping, I guess. Yes, right. That's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how that's how some father son time big smile big smile. Hey, bud. Rough night, huh? You want cheeseburger? You want a soda? It's so dumb. The tone is impossibly stupid. This was a suicide attempt. This is pretty dark. Right. And dad's acting like he's about to offer to take him to the zoo for his weekend. Yeah. So, but he's like, but do you want a cheeseburger? He's like, yeah, man, I guess I'll take a cheeseburger. I mean, you take, yeah, you take the cheeseburger. Yeah, obviously.

Starting point is 01:29:08 Yeah, yeah, weird. There's also a weird moment where the dad bitches said him for taking too long in the shower. He's like, 45 minutes shower. My bill is going to be so high and get it because you can't pay your bills because you're right. Yeah, I love that so much. It's like, yeah, obviously you've never paid a water bill in your life because you've

Starting point is 01:29:24 got a victim to remember. But I guess I face that so much. It's like, yeah, obviously you've never paid a wall to bill in your life, because you got a victim, remember? But yes, right. Space. That's you. That's why you did the suicide thing, because you were evicted and hopeless and stuff. Yeah. So you're face. Up. Don't touch the thermostat. Let's talk about suicide in my completely dark bar that I have in my house. Again, turn a light on.

Starting point is 01:29:42 What the fuck is going on? And then he goes like, because this movie literally knows how zero things work. He goes, let me microwave that burger for you. Oh, fucking, dude. It's on a bun. Don't. So, okay. So he goes off skating. Fucking Ralph is getting tricky.

Starting point is 01:30:00 Now he's got shit written on both sides of his sign so he can flip it over as you come up. Right? Twice as much message on it now. Who's buying that guy Sharpies? Getting a Sharpie. Because like when people are homeless and they've got signs saying, you know, I need some help here. They don't typically have a fresh sign every day. They're like, that they've got a limitless supply of admin and tools. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:28 So it's so we see the side. We see Caleb staring pencively across the ocean. We get some some night skating. Yep. Some very pensives straight line skating. Yeah. Exactly. And then he's so he's in his like night skating spot and he pulls out a joint.

Starting point is 01:30:43 And there's this big will he won't he moment. This is where we meet my best worst. And by far, the most amazing character in this fucking movie, just some random skater we've never met is like, hey, man, do you really think that smoking the devil's reaper is going to help your skating skills right now? And he's like, you know, I guess not. What? Because skate is a constantly discouraging people from smoking weed. That is the same as skating cultures that they do not ever touch weed. And this guy, he is the pluralizing with a z of skateboarders, right? This character is so fucking weird. Cause he goes like,

Starting point is 01:31:21 he's like, so where are you from? He goes Liverpool. This dude has an Oregon accent. Yeah. Yeah. I lost my shit at this point. My not at all block capitals. He's from the what? That is not a scouts accent. I have to look this guy up.

Starting point is 01:31:35 He's actually from Liverpool. Yes. From Liverpool. Right. His name is Brian Sumner. And he is a British pro skateboarder, Christian pastor and traveling evangelist on his, on his, the page in the front of him. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:48 I'm having a van to this. This might have just not been like the movie. They might have just kept this footage because it's right, right? Yeah. Like he's a traveling evangelist. He travels in relatively straight lines at me. And he does ghost of skateboard present stuff. Right.

Starting point is 01:32:03 Yeah. They go skating together. And then at a certain point, he just bad man's away as though he were an angel. So stupid. Well, especially because we're going to see him later and he will very much just be some dude. Yeah, just a fella, just a fella. And all I can think is, he's actually quite a good skater and Caleb clearly isn't.

Starting point is 01:32:23 So I'm just going to skate with this guy. Oh my god, he's so cute. And when he stops, he's going to ask what a thought. And I don't want to be in that awkward conversation, especially this guy doesn't seem in a good place emotionally. I'm just going to, I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. No, that makes sense. Yeah. I like that one. All right. So we got to the next day. He's packing up, mom, shit from the house. And he's once again, he's having the, do I do the drugs or don't I do the drugs moment? And he like looks at the joint. He's like, what with that liver, putty and angels say. And so he throws away the joint and he actually doesn't, he puts it back in his pocket like

Starting point is 01:33:00 he's going to save it for later. But he goes for the Bible instead. I wonder if this film didn't have two joints. like he's gonna save it for later, but he goes for the Bible instead. I wonder if this film didn't have two joints. Yeah. Right. But I have to do a re-take, guys. So yeah, but he picks up his mom's Bible

Starting point is 01:33:14 and he's like, maybe I should look at this instead of the re-fers and he notices that there's a letter in it and that mom has highlighted a passage for him. And I have this moment that I so often have when I'm reading Christian shit or watching Christian movies or whatever, where these poor people have to go through the Bible to try to find wisdom, but there's not anything that's actually useful in the Bible. So there's stuck with shit like Matthew 6, 14 and 15, which is like, if you forgive people, then God will forgive you, but if not, then not.

Starting point is 01:33:42 Right, but it took like an hour of flipping to like, nope, that's another page about genocide. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Where guys, I also love that her letter that she sent to him says that, you know, if you're reading this, my prayers have been answered because she specifically prayed that he'd find her letter during a house clearance caused by her extremely sudden death from brain cancer. Yes. Somehow, somehow God answered my prayer on that one. The easiest way is they forgot to say that though. Also, the mom is, we're getting the voice over of her reading letter and they've got this weird echo for no imaginable reason.

Starting point is 01:34:17 It's just ever so slight. It's one echo and it's like your headphones are out of sync for a second. It was such a weird choice. It was like the passive aggressive lady spaceship voice in the future. Yeah. I know it's saying like T-minus and stuff like that. Right, yeah. It was so weird.

Starting point is 01:34:34 Yeah, but she's very sorry for lying about his dad. She thought it was for the best, but now she's starting to wonder if maybe it's not the entire plot of the movie. And then Caleb goes off to see Ralph, the homeless sign guy to get his backstory. Yeah, and it's great. He says, he says to Ralph, why do you do this?

Starting point is 01:34:54 And Ralph's like, do what? And I really want him to say, holding piecemeal messages is scrawled on Carlton. That's really tried to drill down into his dick. Like, do you wait until you sure I'm, I've definitely seen it before you, before you write the next one. Right.

Starting point is 01:35:09 It's like, what if I don't combine it, and you change up? I'm gonna miss one. The message is gonna be pointless. Talk to me through your strategy. Also, do you have a sharpie guy? And a hard-for-a-guy? Right, and he goes, but when he says,

Starting point is 01:35:21 like, why do you do this? He goes, do what? He goes, you know, homeless all over the place. You know, he goes, oh, yeah, that's what he meant. That's what the question was. Why do you be homeless? What is the opening question? Yes, he's like, it's so that I can spread the word of Jesus.

Starting point is 01:35:37 And he goes, really? He's like, well, no, actually, it's because of a tragic backstory and alcoholism. Let me tell it to you. No, I lied in the movie. Yeah. So we flash back to once upon a time, he was a very successful lawyer, but then his wife and daughter died on Easter Sunday because he was working too hard at lawyering. I'm pretty sure there is a middle ground between working too hard and living on the streets drum can be preaching to expression escape or the teenagers who were in the first.

Starting point is 01:36:06 But there's a middle ground. Sentry. And then in sad admission of the kind of people they know are going to watch this movie Caleb's immediate response to this is so you beat up the guy who killed your family and the drug driver. Did you did you kick his ass or whatever? And he goes, no, he only got three years in prison and I hated him for so long. I wanted his family to die in the same way.

Starting point is 01:36:31 And I like, that's fucking harsh, dude. Come on, Ralph, calm down. I say, but that I forgave him. Jesus, Jesus, blah, blah, blah. And now I'm doing great because I did what it said in the Bible. There is a point where he says, you know, I just I just wish that I'd have been driving But like that just sounds like a massive slam on his dead wife's driving skills Like she was not safe

Starting point is 01:36:54 Right, yeah, why otherwise yeah, everything's they would have like drifted around the drunk driver and turned backwards for a little bit flip back No, absolutely right. You would have just also been dead. Right. But so he's this, but then I learned to forgive the guy who drunk, dr. Vindley killed my family because forgiveness is important. And Caleb says, it sounds like it's about time for you to forgive yourself, Ralph. Boom. Fixed his homelessness next guy. Yeah. This was the wise teenage skateboarder thing. Yeah. Like the movie got the wise advice trope backwards. And they, right.

Starting point is 01:37:33 And what they accidentally landed on her, maybe I'm, it's a white savior instead of the wise advice thing. Yes. Yeah. I couldn't have come up with the white man's bulletin. But I'm so sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yep. I can only come up with the white man's bulletin. But I'm a a

Starting point is 01:37:47 a a a a a a a a

Starting point is 01:37:55 a a a a a a a a

Starting point is 01:38:03 a a a a a a rivalry between you and Ryder. I don't understand what it is at all, but it's there. And it goes, really? I thought, why would it be there? He's like, I don't fucking know, man, but we need something to fill out act three with. So yeah, my copy froze during the scene and I didn't care enough to try and find one that works.

Starting point is 01:38:18 So even my copy was like, it's fine. You don't need to see this bit. It's fine. There's a lot of stuff that we will be more pertinent later. Right. No, it wouldn't help to fill you in on anything because he's just like, what are you going to do about writer? And he's like, what am I supposed to do? And I'm like, yeah, us, the audience would also like those parameters filmed in.

Starting point is 01:38:34 Yeah. We watch him be like, I don't know. How does that even relevant to my plot right now? And then Joey has to like realize that that's dumb to him be like,, died. He punched me once. You can see, right, right, or beat me up. And then he goes, yeah, all right. I'm in and we're all like into what? Why are you into? He goes, but we're going to do it my way at the skate park. And I'm like, I feel like that's his way too. That's where you guys can mat. Was it? the skate park and I feel like that's his way too. That's where you guys mat was at the park. I knew. I feel like you're trying to defend me because I'd still not clear though what you mean. What are you in? What's it? I knew. All right. So it's okay. We have to cut back to John's office one more time. He's also

Starting point is 01:39:19 looking, Pensive. Stube back is all fired up to go right. Stube back comes and he's just a guest time for the big meeting, sir, with the inspector. I assume that's the engineer with the staircase issue. I don't know. But what they say is we've got a plan to deal with the inspector, which sounds awfully lot like a lawsuit waiting to happen. It was meant to be inspected, but we had a plan to deal with. Oh, yeah. That's why 3,000 people died. It's essentially what we're trying to get you. But John says, you know, I've come to appreciate the wisdom in your tirade earlier when I fired you the last time we saw you as a character in this film. Thanks for telling me off. That was just the act to turn. I needed it turns out you're

Starting point is 01:40:00 promoted to partner. Partner. Just that and nowhere. Okay. I wanted Stupac to show up the next day and everyone in the company is a partner because he had the same redemption speech with all of them. It's just, yeah, it's called Sanco and Stupac and Davis and Willis and Cray or, yeah, that's just Uncle Etta. It goes all the way around this the building now, but yeah, no, so yeah

Starting point is 01:40:28 That's how jobs work apparently, but he's got something important to do he has to go and watch his kids skate because apparently he knows now That Caleb is in you know what I'm gonna go find Caleb. He's probably doing a high noon skating You know what I'm gonna go find Caleb he's probably doing a high noon skating. All right so okay so now we're at the skate park waiting for Caleb to show up writers there writers sponsor the guy with the weird still silly hat from earlier he's there and he's mad at writer because he was mean to the homeless guy because their brand isn't about being mean to the homeless guy, because their brand isn't about being mean to the homeless guy. Damn it. Oh, I didn't get any of that. I thought the movie actually just cut several scenes about whatever this was and they were about it. Yeah, no, it's like, you know, we don't just sponsor because he's a good skateboarder, but you do. That's how sponsorship works.

Starting point is 01:41:17 Yeah, it's like this, this guy's a really big good skateboarder. Let's put him in front of people with our logo on that sponsorship. Yep. that's how it works. But yeah, but they need him to be a good person as well, which means not beating up on the homeless guy. And also, Liverpool, Lee and Angel shows up at this point too. He's just like, yeah, I'm also with him. And very important. We do get a little bit of his scouts accent because he do that whole thing about what is it like if a man gains such and such and but loses himself.

Starting point is 01:41:44 And he says, if he gains the weld, he's like, yeah, you'll never get rid of that. That one valve will stick with you entire like this. So. Yeah, all right. So meanwhile, they're waiting for Caleb to show up and they're like, is Caleb even going to show up? And they're like, literally every time he showed up, it's been right after somebody said is he even going to show up.

Starting point is 01:42:02 So yes, he's going to show up. Oh, there he is. Okay. Yeah. But show up for what? What content does that happen? Nobody knows. And we find out right now that literally nobody knows. They all meet up and they're like, all right. So what are we, what are you doing here?

Starting point is 01:42:16 What are we doing? We're doing a like a showdown of some sort. So Joey just says the word trick like 15 times in a sentence. And that suffices for rules for competition. You're trick for trick, trick for horse with skate. Right, right. They're going to play a game of skate, which is a horse for skateboard. Nobody knows that it's called that apparently, but they're going to do a one letter game

Starting point is 01:42:36 of skate, right? You call the trick and then you got to do it. They're going to do. Yeah. Play a game of, exactly. So they have to do a coin flip to see who's going to go first. And that matters because it's only one fucking letter. Yeah, right, right. But writer wins. So it's writer's turn first. Now I know that they

Starting point is 01:42:57 have to for the movie sake build up for little tricks to big tricks. But in reality, you'd do like good stuff right away. So like his first try, his first trick is a front side 50, 50. I'm like, well, why talk shit about it? That's it. Right. And I mean, I feel like the rules should be you rotate back and forth. Like you hit, you do a trick, they hit your trick, then it's the other person's turn. No, yeah, but not in this game. Yeah. Otherwise, you just do like easy tricks a million times in a row and hope they lose first. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be the way to go. Yeah. I'll throw you a trying to game this even in this. You're like, no, there's a really simple

Starting point is 01:43:29 way to get there. Yeah. That was the rules. You would never do something hard because you would just make sure that they know this is a chance that they would fall. Oh, actually, though that that that makes sense. Why is next trick is a 180 and this next trick is a backside five oh grind. Yeah. No, it's because he's doing just a pretty one oh one skate in here. But on the backside five oh grind Caleb cracks one of the trucks on his skateboard. Okay. Can he even go on? Okay. First of all, trucks are pieces of solid, thick metal. And he says I cracked my truck. He cracked both of those trucks doing this.

Starting point is 01:44:04 Oh, I thought he was just here. Just cracked one, but yeah, I cracked my truck. He cracked both of those trucks doing this. Oh, I thought he was just, he had just cracked one, but yeah, I didn't even write the word trucks down. I just left it. He's broken his board. Oh, how disappointing. That's where I went with my level of skating knowledge. Yeah, but okay, but just then, liver put me an angel calls him over.

Starting point is 01:44:21 And he goes, this is the greatest moment in this movie. And probably the greatest moment in this movie. And probably the greatest moment in any movie I've watched in this year for this show. He goes, maybe it's time you tried this. And he has a skateboard with a big ass picture. It's he's the son of a mom. And it's the crucifixion. He's got crucifixion porn on the bottom of the skateboard like a fucking psychopath. Yes. Just hands it to him like a samurai sword. Yes. It might as well come out of a goddamn sheath. It's so funny. So oh, and just a John Schneider runs up to watch the end of their game of skate. And this is so weird. They put the dad in a cloth cap and aviators. For the first time, he's ever worn a hat at any point in this film.

Starting point is 01:45:09 And I genuinely struggle to recognize him, which is a weird choice at this point. Right. Why not just make him look like he looks. Yeah. So. So okay. Now writer tries a trick, but he wipes out on that trick. So now it's Caleb's turn to set the trick.

Starting point is 01:45:26 And Joey walks up to him and he goes like, Hey man, what trick are you gonna try? And he goes, I'm gonna try a hard flip back lip, which is like a genuinely very difficult trick. And Joey goes, well, do you think this is a good time to try something that you've never done before? And the answer to that question is, no, this would be a very terrible time to do that, right?

Starting point is 01:45:49 We're starting to think that. The worst possible time, and the worst possible time to try something that you've never done. It's like the worst strategy in the game, and the worst time to do that thing. But counterpoint, it is the name of this movie. Yes, what's the like?

Starting point is 01:46:02 That's the way you should do the thing that's the name of this movie. I had what's the like? So he should do the thing that's the name of this movie. I had been waiting for a hard flip for a very long fucking time at this point. I was really excited about it too. But yeah, but because of course the trying the hard trick is analogous to trying Jesus at this point, then of course he has to say, this is a perfect time to do it. And then it is in this movie because of course he nails it to a very underwhelming response to the people on. Right, right. Well, yeah, because like it is a really hard trick, but it's one of those tricks where like if you don't really know skateboarding, you'd be like,

Starting point is 01:46:34 goes out better than the last one. I was very much that he might have been reading my notes that So yeah, so and then Ralph holds up his wisdom and the crowd goes wild ish ish and oh, this in case you didn't get it from before, this is where they show a flashback to all of Ralph's signs to show you that it spells out fucking second Corinthians four, five or whatever. Well, it shows all the ones except for, you know, the few that he did. Yeah, right. The verse when he gave up on that middle. Also, that verse has nothing to do with what just happened.

Starting point is 01:47:13 No, or anything else relevant in the film. It starts with therefore, therefore if anyone is in Christ, just start with if anyone in Christ, blah, blah, blah, it's fine. Oh, they could have got through this movie in an hour and a half if you just had one fewer. So, and then, and then, by the way, the movie ends. We don't even see Ryder try the hard flip back lip. I was furious.

Starting point is 01:47:40 Yeah, I was so angry. I'm so angry. I was angry for hours after watching that. That's literally the end of the movie. He doesn't get, the bad guy doesn't get to do the finale thing. We don't even see the end of the competition. Nope, we don't care about the competition, but you still don't show us the end of it.

Starting point is 01:47:55 I'm so infuriate. Yeah, you're still, you still have the show. So in it. All right, so a abrupt ending aside is there a moral to this story? You have to let both people do the trick. It has to. Yeah. All right. So a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a got access to a rich dad and a famous pro skater. So there you go. Really takes all the stakes out of the whole thing, doesn't it? Doesn't it though?

Starting point is 01:48:31 And well, that's going to do it for our review or hard flip. That's not going to do it for the episode, just yet because we still need to fall back into this gravity well next week. So he'll tell us what's on deck. We're going to be watching in search of Dudley dumpling. I believe it is puppet based like one we've done before. Oh, hooray. That won't be creepy at all.

Starting point is 01:48:51 All right. So with that looked forward to we're going to bring episode 363 to our merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to Martian. If you like, check out his other works. Be sure to check out the show notes for this episode. Also an even huge thanks to all the Patreon orders that help make the show go.

Starting point is 01:49:02 If you'd like to come to yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I've got it all for you, and thereby earn an access to an ad free version of my episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms, and if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sub-link shows.

Starting point is 01:49:15 This can be the excitedion to you, D&D, minus, and the skeptic crowd available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, just send them out a suggestion, you can email godoffelmovesinjm.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, this is the BN retours. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotman, the computer drafts on Mars

Starting point is 01:49:29 All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission Thanks again for giving us a giant life this week for you then right now I'm no listens from his or her to work harder Learned on the truck next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close Joey's video of Caleb skating in a perfectly straight line went on to get zero views on YouTube. Right? John Schneider went on to not hurt anybody. I'm sure he did not. Caleb demanded his $400 back, but Ryder explained that they never made any kind of bet whatsoever,

Starting point is 01:50:04 and also he never got a chance to do the final trick. So nothing about that entire concept had any stakes or obligations. He's going to be mad about this shit until Thursday. Mars, don't go too gruff because I have to be gruffer by a little bit. Yeah, that will not be a problem. I'll find out if you are gruffing. I'm March. Marsha's never out gruffed anyone. No, absolutely not.

Starting point is 01:50:41 The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2022. All rights reserved. The proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thundersdorm LLC, Copyright 2022, all rights reserved.

God Awful Movies - 363: Hardflip

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