God Awful Movies - 366: The Trial

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

This week, Andrew Torrez joins us for an atheist review of The Trial, a courtroom drama so uninspired and generic they just called it The Trial. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Check out more from Andrew on Opening Arguments or Clean Up on Aisle 45 Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Looking for a stress-free summer? Hello, fresh sons, you foolproof step-by-step recipes and fresh pre-proportioned ingredients to make meal time a summer breeze. Get 16 free meals plus three free gifts with code awful16. HelloFresh.com slash awful16. Where's like what tests of you performing? She's like all the ones that came up with the writer Googled psychiatric tests list Yeah, but also like also sorry and another legal question for you Would you bring on a witness if the best thing that they could say about your client is well, he's not a sociopath I'm pretty sure This will matter for the future of the company, Andrew. It's a carefully... Ha ha ha ha ha!

God awful! Movie! Movie! Movie! Welcome back to the Gamecast for each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we're subconsciously mad at our eyes. I'm your host Noah Luzon's, he'll be unable to join us today but sitting 900 miles to my north east is my bad friend Eli Bostic, Eli, how are you this fight afternoons, sir? Um, my testicles are this shape and size of a naval orange Noah Luzon.

Yes, yeah, you could say like hours since the vasectomy he's joining us here. Yeah. I told you yesterday that was a bad idea, but you didn't believe me. Yeah. No, it was like, Hey, man, we got the show, you're fine.

And I was like, I would never do that to you Noah. I'll be fine. Just let me chug some opiates and let the open wound that heals on my testicles guide my comedy. Ha, ha, ha, ha. If I start to scream, it may or may not be about the movie. some opiates and let the open wound that heals on my testicles guide my comedy. So if I start to scream, it may or may not be about the movie. So if this was an 18 minute episode, would you download it? At least you know now why why?

Why? Right. Because I passed out. Yeah. But also joining us, of course, is recurring guest maskist host of the opening arguments podcast and cleanup on I.O. 45 45 Andrew Torres Andrew, welcome back. Thanks. No, nothing like having opened wound on my testicles. Be the foreshadowing to. Yeah. It's great to be here. But honestly, if you hadn't choose between watching this movie, this movie is rather like sitting on your balls for

an hour. Yeah. Absolutely. It is the open testicle wound of film. Yeah. So tell us, Andrew, what will be breaking down today? We watched the trial. It's a legal thriller for people who have no idea what the law is and routinely send back their oatmeal for being too spicy. No, don't say though. I love the way that they just define basic Lila terms for grandma every view of this one. Yeah, it's lovely.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the legal accuracy of an early Jack Richard novel, but you have to write your movie with a team of health teachers staring at an abstinence only poster. You will love this movie. Honestly, if you told me this movie was a skeleton script that the writers had meant to fill in later and accidentally sent to the studio, I believe you even even even vote down to the fucking title. Right.

The truck, even that sounds like a placeholder name. Yeah I'm shocked no one was named John every man in the script I suppose there's anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be in the worst at oh Yeah, how about best worst god awful movie? Okay, I was learned here under false pretense. This is very clearly a lot awful movie. They're like four times people say the word Jesus. That's it. Yeah, this movie was just like trying to like it was sort of an afterthought. Oh, we need one of those dub preview ratings. Yeah, and look, there's nothing I love more than throwing Keith under the bus when he's not here to defend himself. So Andrew, can I tell you? I had planned for you to do the devil's reign, a William

Shatner movie with us. Yes. And then he saw that it was on the week he was off and he was like, no, no, do this one with Andrew, the one that's the trial with Andrew. And I'll do the one on back. That explains because like a week ago, when you asked me to come on the show, you were like, I have a doozy for you. And I understand you're on, you know, fistfuls of barbitu, it's right now, but we were

going to have a conversation about what counts as a doozy. Yeah. Oh, all right. So I have a weird best worse because it's not even in the movie. I'm going to go with best worse alphabetical cast list. So to be fair to the movie, the credits list the cast alphabetically and fucking nail it by last name even. And it's not necessarily the filmmakers fault that IMDB fucked it up, but as a, as a Facebook friend

pointed out, the only alphabetical list is the little ellipses line in the middle. I think it because it is clearly like Matthew Matthew Modine does not appear above the fold anywhere on the IMDB page because of this. And I think it is pretty obvious that he had his lawyer like send a cease to dissatisfaction was like, if you imply that I am in any way, like a Mr. Modine, you're the star. No, I am not. This is Matthew Modine's p tape, right? Yeah.

He gets out. He's going to be like, all right, release some pictures of my ticker, someone. I don't want this out here. I have steering a speed boat with my penis. And I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worse defendant. Oh my God. Okay. This is a fucking guy. Who's the guy who plays the bad lawyer? He plays the bad lawyer in every movie. Yeah, he's the warden from Shawshank Redemption. Yes.

And he plays bad lawyer, bad authority figure in every fucking movie. He's been in a bunch of the ones we've reviewed. And I think I must assume in an act of tiny rebellion for the for the entirety of this film, he will pronounce the word defendant as defendant. Yep. In the loudest, clearest, most obvious way possible. Yeah. No, he'll like pause the entire movie and go defend, dance like he's pronouncing the Thursday.

Right. Like he was in a fight with their voices and speech coach on the set. He's like, Oh, is that how they pronounce it? No, no, no, I'll do it. I'll do it. Defantant. You like that?

If there's a clip of him somewhere going, In July, in July. That'd be spectacular. All right. Well, I feel like everyone is sufficiently for war. And so we're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, we're going to break down all the disjointed generic courtroom drama scenes that are the trial.

Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick, legal expert. Here to tell you about all the ways that you can prank Mitch McConaughey. I deal. I, what are you doing? You are not a legal expert. You are the exact opposite of what a legal expert is. The nuisance. You're sure.

What gives? Sorry, Andrew, but ever since I started learning from the best with masterclass, I guess I just feel like I can learn anything. What's masterclass? With masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds, anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to cook from Gordon Ramsay, improve your chest skills with Gary Casper Off, or learn comedy from Steve Martin, with over 100 classes from a range of world class

instructors that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than you think. I don't know, Eli. Online classes seems like kind of a hassle. Not even a little. Masterclass works wherever you want to learn so I can listen on the go like a podcast, watch it on my phone while I'm on the train, or even kick back and learn in the evenings on my smart TV. I highly recommend you check it out. Get unlimited access to every masterclass. And as a God awful movies listener, you get 15% off an annual membership. Go to masterclass.com slash awful. That's masterclass.com slash awful for 15% off masterclass.

All right, Eli. Well, masterclass sounds great, but you are definitely not a legal expert. No, so I probably shouldn't have sent out all those suit penises then, huh? Do you mean subpoenas? I don't know. Do I? I really hope so. All right, everybody.

Thanks for coming. As you know, Dr. Wilson here is working on a test at the university on memory and he has asked us to write truly the most forgettable movie possible. Tall order to fill, but I think we can do it. So go ahead, hit me with a few ideas. Oh, how about a forgettable romantic comedy? Yeah, I don't, I don't know. It all takes us one good performance and we could have a hit on our hands.

Good point. All right. Action movie. No, way too risky. If some kid sees it, like, and it's his first action movie, he's going to think it's awesome. And then boom, we just robo-copped ourselves. Uh, is robo-cop not awesome? It is not awesome. No. I've got it. I've got it. A legal drama. Oh, that is perfect. Yeah. Well, we'll just do all the stereotypes. You

know, murder story, retired lawyer taking on one last case. Murderer blah blah blah. Yeah, exactly. There'll be some money or so. Okay. Oh, and how about the bag I can be a character that we don't meet until the literal last minute of the movie? That'd be perfect.

Man, the professor's gonna be so pleased with you guys. Okay, great job. I'm sorry, I'm still a little hung up. How is Robocop not awesome? Thank you. You are a hundred years old. He shoots a guy in the dick. Right in the dick.

Through the chick's skirt. That is pretty cool. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna open up on an autumn morning at a lovely house by the lake. We watch Matthew Modine looking out over the water, feeling bad about what he did to 11. I wanna imagine. I feel like Matthew Modine looking out over the water, feeling bad about what he did to 11. I feel like Maddie Modine is feeling bad about being in this movie. No, that

is in stranger thing. Well, he wasn't in stranger things at this point. So at this point, he had to feel like, okay, this is, this is it, right? I'm retired and I just don't know it yet. I'm sorry, scenery question. Like it it's clear this is supposed to be, you know, rich lawyers mentioned by the lake. But then there's like eight seconds that pans over this, like, Ruth Langmore hollowed out both thing on stocks. Like, what the fuck was that? Do we notice?

They were setting the mood because he's hollowed out inside. Oh, sure. Speaking of which, he's going to go inside and grab his suicide gun. So, trigger warning on the necessity of suicide jokes. Yeah. Man, Christian movies have a lot of people sitting there brooding with guns. Like, I always knew that reviewing, you know, 350 plus Christian movies would end up with us learning some, you know, broad things about Christian communities like their views on alcohol and politics and gender. But the thing I never expected when we started this show was like, yeah, they sit there

with guns pointed at their heads. A lot. And not just guns, but guns pointed at their heads plus an open bottle of pills. Plus I think if the camera Pan just a minute over, there'd be a scalpel like this is, this is the equivalent of wearing a high-end suicidal t-shirt in this movie. Yeah.

So also speaking of subtlety, there's this as they're panning across the room, there's this statue of Lady Justice with her scales and it's got cobwebs all over it. I just, this movie is a fucking Ben Garrison cartoon brought to film. One of the arms might as well break off as he's gonna get you. Yeah, right. So he puts the gun to his head and he's like, I'm gonna shoot myself in three, two phone

ring. So he goes to answers phone, which is from 1876, I expected the fucking caller to say, Watson, come here, I need you, right? Yeah, he does have an old timing phone. And he answers it and he's like, hello, how am I? Not about to kill myself. Why? Are you about to kill yourself? But he's being called down to the to the courtroom. So he can't kill himself yet. So instead he goes to see this judge who's called him in for a shift at loyering.

Yes. All right. So Andrew is this. Can they make you lawyer when you retire? Is there a lawyer draft? Can they make you lawyer when you retire? Is there a lawyer draft? So yes, like your friend, I mean, what? I don't know, would it be the answer?

Yes to this question anyway, because this movie sucks and is horrible and gets everything wrong. But sometimes a judge will call you up and ask if you want to be added to, you know, the pro bono rotation. If you've, if you've got some time to help the court out, that's where we will later learn this is the presiding judge in this case. So no, the judge does not go shopping for the lawyer. You know, I don't like to present the defense to his courtroom. And also like, there's a strong undertone here of like when Matthew Madin is like, I don't see why this has to be me

And the judges like, well, you know, basically every other lawyer we have here in dog patch USA. Yeah, right. Right. None of this is a murder trial. None of those armatures can handle it. Also, so, but you know what, you know what I want in a lawyer, a guy who's not even supposed to be here today, right? That's what I want in a lawyer, a guy who's not even supposed to be here today. Right? That's what I want. Jesus. I want a lawyer who's in his pajamas. It's a job.

Right. Right, but he's like, look, I can order you to do this and I wrote my notes and like, sometimes we don't even need Andrew here to clarify the lawyers. Yes. Yeah. Oh, wait, did I just hear you don't need to be here? It's like, no. Some cost fallacy. Oh wait, did I just hear you don't need to be here? Is that a ghost?

Some cost fallacy. Oh, so yeah, yeah. And then he's like, the judge says, this is such a baffling line. He's like, you know, Mac, that's the character's name. There was a time when you'd have asked me to order you to do this. Up. Like a subdom thing. Why?

Why? That would just, he would have volunteered is what you mean. So, but he agrees to go see the public defender that had to recuse himself in the case apparently and meet with the defendant. Oh, yeah, this is, hey, you got glasses. You must be the exposition guy for this move, right? Yes, so we go meet exposition Jean, who explains who explains the basic facts of the case. There was a girl and she was murdered in a car and they found this guy with the car keys

in his pocket nearby and all doped up and says he can't remember what happened. And again, I know it's just a little thing here, but Exposition Jean is the one who's conflicted out. He introduces, we will get to the nominal villain of the film as the special prosecutor. And I just want to be like a special prosecutor is not an indicator that the prosecutor is very special, right? If the original prosecutor was conflicted out, right? Right.

That the DA thought he was stupid and needed to bring in the A team. God. Yeah. The indication in this movie is like, no, they called in a good prosecutor. Not our usual. And the other thing is exposition chain here is whipsawing so wildly between like, well, you know, they got the best out there. So we need you because you're the best.

By the way, this case is completely unwinnable. Yes. We'll be represented by a rock. Yeah. He's like. Yes, right. You might as well be represented by a rock. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, yeah, right. We need somebody as good as you to accept this plea deal. Honestly, I think it's the right way to go.

Yeah. Without talking to the client, reviewing the file, conducting any discovery, yeah. Yeah. He considers it. He considers it. So, okay. So then we go to the prison to meet his perspective client. And of course, this is the skater kid the main character from hard flip.

Which we watched just a few weeks ago. I didn't know who it was right away. I do I recognize him so I had to go to IMDP and I learned this fun fact while I was trying to figure it out. This actors past character lists include. But are not limited to characters named Kip Cooper Ricky Tucker Scab dog bold douchebag and I shit you not five different roles for different characters named Luke. Yeah, he looks like a Luke. Clearly, but they go to see Pete is the character's name and he doesn't want to do 25 years in jail, dammit. Yeah, I don't know why every terrible legal drama has to do this, but every legal drama has to have the moment where the guy's like, you should take the deal,

it's a good offer and he's like, but I didn't do it and it's like, that's not how deals work or why deals are offered. They don't have a secondary, but you didn't do it deal system. Well, but also like I feel like that's the first thing you want to establish, right? So did you do it? Right?

Like that does, I don't feel like that comes out later in the conversation. But yes, he says he doesn't remember what happened, but he knows he didn't do it because he's not a murderer and he loved her damn it Yeah, I also love that when he's offering him the deal he says it's 25 years Which you may have noticed is shorter than life and I wrote in my notes. That's why this guy's the best Well on the average yeah, and he's like is there anything I can get for you He's like well, you know, I could use some books from my apartment Matthew motine so say man make a list I'll go buy and get him. I so wanted us to look at the list and solve goose bumps.

Right. Just pop up or hardcore pornography. Strangle monthly. Oh, okay. Wait a minute. Sure about that deal. So. So, okay.

So then we cut to Matthew Modine at a graveyard, reliving his tragic backstory a little bit more. And this is a genuine, I'll be damned moment for me because we're about to meet his brother-in-law, put a question mark in that one. But I thought the like splitting wood montage became a trope after Captain America and the Avengers, but this movie predates that by two years.

So there you go. The Avengers stole from this movie predates that by two years. So there you go. The Avengers stole from this movie is what I see. That's my legal opinion. The Avengers is just the trial with some action scenes. That's what you said when we saw it together. I remember in dinner, you were just like, this is just the trial. But instead of Captain America, we get that guy, Robert Forster, right? He's been in everything. The memory that's most recent for me is, you know, he's the, he's the disappearer from

Breaking Bad. Well, there you go. Right. Yeah. He was the bail bondsman from Jackie Brown. That's how I know. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

We're going to move the two. Oh, yeah, there you go. That's right. And I know him as the brother-in-law from the trial. So he's all coming together. Yeah. And like every other actor he in this film, he has way too good for it. But so he is, I guess Max former investigator and also his brother in law from his wife who died in a car accident tragically. And he's going to see him saying, Hey, you know, they try to call me out a lawyer retirement. I don't want to do it, but the guy, the defendant reminds me of my son.

So I feel like I have to. Yeah. He never tells us why. So I guess we're just gonna have to assume his son had a perclivity. His nine year old son had a perclivity for root-fearing people. All right, because the guy's like 23 or something. And he's like, it reminds me a lot of my nine year old. Like, he too liked books. Yeah, I guess he also read Goosebumps. Now, so and then

he goes to leave and Robert Forsters like, hold on, I got something for you. And he throws him a sausage biscuit. A sack full of sausage biscuits. Like, we're the, were you predicting that he'd be by today or do you generally have that? I carry a bag of sausage biscuits wherever I go so I can hook it at Matthew Modine. I could go for some sausage biscuits. I'm waiting. That would be way better than doing this show right now. So okay.

So then we get a quick scene where Matthew Modine stops by Pete's apartment. This scene serves absolutely no function whatsoever. Except for the like 1954 where he, so this is really this, this, this white door that it focuses on. It's weird and the camera angles weird and the shot is weird and Matthew Bodine like reaches up to the little ledge above it and pulls the key down from that. And I'm thinking, that's not a great spot to have your key in 2010, let alone in 2010 when you're in prison. Yeah. Yeah. And okay. So on Monday, he goes back to the judge and he agrees that he'll be the lawyer. We have a plot after all. He does, though, he tells the judge, he's like, I need an advance so that I can hire a paralegal and an investigator and Andrew,

you're already laughing at this one, huh? This was the first, but not the only time when my blood vessels decided to send helpful little bubbles of oxygen through them in the event that maybe it's my brain to shut down. So first, this is when we learned that the judge who brought in Matthew Modine is also going to be the presiding judge in the case, because, you know, why the fuck not? But also, Matthew Modine is like, Hey, can I get an advance on that to hire an assistant and open an office and rent a fleet of cars? I'm like, I'm a sue, actually, I'm a

sue swim. I look like this is, this is a, you know, better call some of them. Like you get 600 bucks of throw for these kind of pd appearances, right? Like you do not get enough to hire, you know, sassy young Aaron Gray waitress. So, right. Yeah. Really one of the judge to be running a check caching program. All right. Well, I can advance you the money, but then the next check will be reduced by 45% of 45 days. So okay. So yeah, but so he's got to go get his assistant.

So he goes to the restaurant where apparently she started working when he got depressed and shut down his law of this, right? Yeah. This actress, unlike Robert Forster, you will recognize from nothing, but she's super cute. She's got, like I said, a sort of young Aaron Gray about her. And by the way, she was born in Wakecross, Georgia. So yes. Yes.

Yes, she was and raised in Blackshire, Georgia, which is where I went to high school. And I actually did recognize her from somewhere. I would. From high school? From my little sister's birthday party. Yeah, actually they were her from somewhere. It would be from my school. Wait, from my little sister's birthday party. Yeah, actually, they were friends. Yeah, no, I know this girl. I know her like at least well enough

that it would be rude for me not to say anything if we ran into each other at a grocery store. And I'm very happy for her. She's living her dream. That's awesome. You think she's a show listener? I doubt that very much. I always, I don't know.

Okay, few, because otherwise I got a bunch of notes. I Yeah. There's also this great moment where he's like, Hey, do you want to come back and work for me? And she says, Am I getting paid? Make sure my notes. Yes. Cause I said, come work for me. Make sure, wonder what Matthew Modine was doing to this poor woman before. So yes, she quits her job and agrees to be a sidekick for the rest of the movie. And then on his way out, Robert Forster shows up and he's like, all right, I'll be your investigator for the rest of the movie. And he's like, yeah, it would have been weird for us to get a known actor for such a minor role.

Andrew, do lawyers generally have an investigator? Right? Do you have Morgan like doing backflips through windows? Occasionally karate fighting henchmen. I mean, I can't stop her from doing that. And she was doing that already. Yeah, right. She brought those skills with her to the world. So, yeah, no, instead we get, this is the Ocean's 11 setup, right? Because they're all going to gather together, except that it's the Ocean's 11 but loyering

for making a law movie for people who have never seen or consumed any media about the law ever. Yes. It begins with like you, the Define Men mens rea for the audience and like, right. Wait, but it's, but it's even done with it. It's like define reasonable doubt for the audience. Yeah. Incorrectly, as it turns out.

Yeah. So, so they set up, yeah, they set up to do some serious lawyering, which means, of course, you put up some easels, you get out your push pin and your yard, which can I just say these actors are way too psyched about. I would say everyone does a pretty good job in this movie. It's terribly written, but the actors read these terrible lines pretty well, except for this scene where the actors are like, you see, we're going to have like poster boards and there's going to be like a little bit pushpin thing over there. It's like a real set for a real movie. Yeah, they get to, the Mindy, the assistant looks just way too happy to be in a real movie at this point,

because that's certainly what I got. So I got breakfast at crafty. It was free. So and there's all this weird shit that never comes back into the movie, right? He's like, oh, you know, we're going to need a right to press release. And she's like, well, my boyfriend can do it. And they're like, your boyfriend's a fucking idiot. You should do it. I did. I would say that's a like false rabbit trail, except we will learn everything in this movie is a false rabbit. That's true.

Yeah. Yeah. This is a mystery in in so much as the solution is missing until they decide to tell you at one point in this movie. Yeah. You feel like there were notes back there of like, yeah, go back and put some foreshadow in the script and then people are like, no, that's way too much. That's to be a big thing.

They should have fined and delete of put blank in the script. So. So yeah, and there's those in this weird moment where Robert Forster is like, well, I'm your investigator. Should I run down all the hundred witnesses on this witness list? And he's like, no, it seems like a whole fucking thing, right? Like a big thing. Why would we want to do that?

Yeah. And he's like, no, just just the ones that'll fit into the run time, man. Yes. I literally wrote just these two from the moon. Yeah, right. So, oh, and then of course, Mindy also explains that she knows a great shrink that can interview Pete, the defendant, and figure out if he's really like, if he has real amnesia or if he's not competent to stand trial.

No, you're struggling to finish that sentence because she never finishes that sentence. Because no one finishes that sentence because there should not be psychiatric testimony. Sorry, but apparently there will be. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. So then we cut over to meet Dr. Anna Wilk, the psychiatrist that's going to, you know, muscle her way into this movie apparently. And we meet her at a support group that she does for the exact kind of tragic backstory that Matthew

Odin has weird. at a support group that she does for the exact kind of tragic backstory that Matthew Odeon has. Weird. Hello everybody, welcome to Coincidentally Dead Kids Anonymous. Let's all just go around and say how dead our kids are. Yeah, with, with praising Jesus, yeah, that we're 18 and a half minutes in and technically this movie checks that box, But this is the first time, other than the fact that like his flashback to a funeral was in a church. This is the first time there's any hint of that. And it's the dumbest hit, right?

Because this is the line. She says, you know, the woman's talking about her dead kid grief. And the doctor says, well, you just have to allow God to take you at his pace. Like what an impressively meaningless statement that is. But now we're, we're here to audition Christian, the Christie lady, like to be an expert witness. And Matthew Modine says, I want you to interview my client to see if he is

competent to stand trial. Now, look, if you have watched even a minute of a decent, like not even a great law show, like, you know, that's the bare minimum standard of can you are client understand the proceedings and assist in his own defense, right? Like, or, right, are they, you know, clinically unable to observe what's going on around? Like, there wouldn around like this here? Yeah, there's been no hint to that. I watched so ever that he might, he might fall short of that standard. Yeah.

Yeah, he runs through all the silly, not actual legal movie diseases. He's like, I need to know if he has amnesia or if he's not competent to stand trial or if he has multiple personality disorders or is a dragon. Can you learn from all of those? Yeah, and she's like, yeah, no, I'll do that. By the way, do you have any kind of grief that you want to talk about over here? You usually do. I have grief. Holy shit. It's my whole personality. Actually, and I just want to point out this tiny moment because it's such a beautiful example of how sloppy and useless the writing is in this film.

At the end of this scene she goes, and again, keep in mind this never matters. How fast do you need the report? And he's like, I don't know how long does it take and she's like, okay. And then the fucking scene ends. And then the fucking seniors. And then, okay, so now Robert Puerster is going to go interview the, this movie's effort at comic relief. Oh, right. This work guy was told to be comic relief and he just, he's just verbose, right?

He just keeps talking about shit constantly as though if he talks long enough, he's bound to hit a joke eventually. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, I assume they hired this actor because they decided against hiring a giant wad of youth chewing tobacco. Yeah. I mean, the problem is, is that they've already cast the judge and Robert Forster here as hillbillies.

So they want to say that this guy is a hillbilly for among hillbilly. Right. So it's like, how do we establish that outdoor moon shot? Yeah, of course. Yeah, we get it. Yeah. So this guy was driving his truck the night of the murder and he saw the murdered girl's car go by and then another car chasing it and that other car scraped into his truck, right?

This is going to be important, except no, it isn't because nothing's ever going to be important. But Robert Forster will now spend the rest of the movie with a paint chip from a purple sedan. All right. All right. I'm sorry. I've been sitting on my hands and chewing the inside of my cheek. Eli's been doing that for a totally different reason.

Yeah. But look, this is literally the strangest scene in the movie because Robert Forster is attempting to establish the chain of custody here. I think, right? He's like, you see me flaking this paint off into this file, right? But it doesn't go good because he's not a police lab. He's just a guy. And so there's no one to testify is to chain of custody, right? So we'll give you an obvious example. Robert Forster could leave and swap that file out for a totally different violin is our.

Councillor, who do you call as your expert witness? You're not going to fucking believe this. That's who we had verify our paint chip. Remember that guy before who could barely speak, right? Whose eyes roamed around like it was in the middle of a seizure. Yeah. Well, we our guy showed him a paint chip in 1992 and he's our expert witness. He's going to come to the stand with a jug of moonshine.

Just try this out. Try this judge. Yeah. So okay. So then Mac heads down to the morgue to find some more clues. Now of course, like every person who's ever worked at a morgue in a cop movie or a courtroom drama, we'll meet this guy while he's eating lunch. Yeah, I don't know. Who's trope is this? How did this become so infectious that every morg scene has a guy eating a big sloppy meatball sandwich over a dead little girl every time? Every time he's just like, oh yeah, and the bullet wound one second, I need to put more sauce on my skin.

Right, but this guy explains to Matthew Mo Dean that the victim had a bunch of roofies in her system. And he's like, did the guy have roofies in his system too? And they're just like, why would he roofie both himself and I'll check, man. And again, Matthew Mo Dean, like he's like, please describe these roofies of which you span a minute. You're a criminal defense lawyer in 2010. You know what fucking roofies are, okay? Thank you. Well, to be fair, it's very lucky that he does describe them

because what he describes are hills that will range from this film to sleepy time drugs to zombie mind control. They're odorless colorless liquid. Yeah, right, right. It comes from Australia. Did you get your rufis from Q? And I shoot them into someone's drink out of this pen, but. So okay. So then we get a quick walk and talk between Mac and Robert Forster where he explains that there's a mystery purple car that they're going to need to find. And that'll, you know, help them with the case. Yeah. So okay. So now we head to the courthouse. We've got the whole gang there. The fucking 10 commandments on the courthouse wall show up in the establishing shot. At this point, I saw this and I was like, I had seen a

lot of Andrews notes and I was like, 10 commandments, Andrew, it counts. It counts. The fact that they're 35 feet tall does not make this more of a Christian movie. It's a more oppressive, okay? I feel like it does. I feel like this is the first time, of course, that we meet opposing council. He is, as I already mentioned, the Shawshank Redemption Warden, or as I have it, slightly less punchable Lindsey Graham. Okay. Fair. Fair. They have a little lawyerly shit talk between him and Matthew Moding. I do. I can't do. Deleirs do a weird shit talk session before every corporate. No, but if we do, I tell you what we don't do is, here's a legal word. So long as you ask me zero follow up questions.

Yeah. Yeah. You suck it, loyering. So yeah, so the judge shows up. We're starting the trial now, apparently. And there's this weird moment where apropos of nothing bad guy lawyer stands up and he goes, oh, just so you know, in case the stakes of the movie

weren't clear, we'll be seeking the death penalty in this case. He might as well nod to a three-piece orchestra so they can go, boom, boom, boom. And what makes this, again, although this is all, there was not, there was not a lawyer attached to the script that reviewed the script. This was all, there was one planning meeting in which there was a guy with a whiteboard and they went around the room and were like, all right, everybody name law words you've heard occasionally. Yeah. So the judge says, okay, we're here. And Matthew Medine says,

what we have are Brady V. Maryland request, which, oh, my ears perked up. That's a real thing. That is where you as defense counsel request that the state turnover, all exculpatory evidence, potentially exculpatory evidence in its position. Really, really important when you're a defense lawyer. Last, of course, you're in this court, at which point it is the cue to Lindsey Graham to start monologuing about seeking the death penalty, which not exculpatory last time I checked.

Also, Andrew, just to clarify, this is going to be very important for the movie. You have to turn over all evidence, except for your super cool surprise. Yeah, you get to present everybody gets to re-surprise. And an air horn. Yeah. So your evidence is named hot towel. You do not have to disclose it. Well, and then, and then the two of them start arguing out the death penalty thing,

like right then and there, right? He's like, I'm going to go to the death penalty in Matthew Moody. He's like, that's ridiculous. And the judges like, tell me more, tell me more. Yeah. Do they do that in court? I really hope they do that in court. I really wanted the stenographer to like stand up and look around and go, guys, this is

a status here. Come on. So. But by the way, the reason that he gives, he's actually going for the death penalty because he's mad at Matthew Modine. Not an awesome lawyer move, but the reason he gives is that it's kidnapping and murder because if you murder someone, they didn't want to be where you were kidnapping. Yeah.

Look, that, that excuse works if you have a poor black defendant, right? Like that's true. I'm not, and I know that's a little bit of a lot, but like that's true. Like the death penalty is not administered in any way that is consistent with it being a, only the most heinous crimes they will look for kind of bizarre aggravating factors. And I have seen cases like that where it's like, yeah, what was kidnapping and murder? And you're like, right, but the kidnapping was the murder and yeah, right, right. But the point is we can all be pleased because you know, a shit blonde, haired blue eyed

kids like they'd never, ever get the death penalty. Not with a sexy chin like his. No, no, not douchebag here. like they never ever get the death penalty. Not with a sexy chin like his. No, not douchebag here. There is a, not dog bowl. That guy looks like he could play at least four loops. Who are you talking about? At least.

So yeah, but then, so then the judge stops and just sort of explains to the lawyers conceptually what a trial is. Hello, gentlemen. Just a quick reminder, we will be doing the talkie talks. There'll be a box full of people over there and then the movie will be over. All right, well, I believe Andrew needs a minute to breathe into a paper bag. So we're going to pause for another quick break, but when we come back, we'll be breaking down even more of the trial. Oh, yeah.

I understand that. Well, look, my client doesn't own the goat. So we know he hasn't told me who does. All right. Hold on one second. That's someone's in my office. Andrew, gentlemen, come in. Guest, I got you a gift, A DVD copy of Bullet to the Head,

starring Sylvester Stallone. Thank you. Yeah, it doesn't have a disc in it, but I figured you could store like your flat circles in there. Sure, I appreciate it. Look, how can I help you guys? Well, you guys getting sued again?

Again, if this is about the boat, I just hung up on. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's universal studios. They're suing him for copyright infringement on the Wolfman. Yeah, I guess my beard got a little out of control. Yeah, look, look, you're gonna sell somebody a map to Curly's gold, dude. Yeah, a little bit.

He's right, you do. So Eli, I don't understand why do't you just try Harry's razors? What are Harry's razors? With their incredibly sharp razors and refills that arrive in the neck of time, Harry's is the official sponsor of cutting it close. Wait, I can get razors delivered to my house? Oh, not just razors, Eli. Right now, you can get a Harry starter set for just $3.

Plus, you'll get a free travel size body wash that the set includes a five blade razor, the weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover, that's a $16 value for just three bucks, visit harries.com slash awful. Wow, that's incredible. And sure is, and their refill packs are as low as $2 each and delivered right to your door.

So you can stop spending money on razors that are overpriced by design. Harry sent us a sample kit to try and I was so impressed I became a customer. Yeah, no matter how busy things get, stay fresh with Harry's. Grab your Harry starter set today and you'll also get a free travel size body wash. Just go to harrys.com slash awful. That's h-a-R-R-Y-S dot com slash AWF-U-L. Nice. So Andrew, do you think I've got a case? I don't know. Does this have anything to do with you buying Benicio Del Roro

dot com from earlier this week? Maybe. I'll make some calls. Ouch, so I think it would be in your best interest to take my awful 15 years isn't bad. Well, I understand where you're coming from, but I'm afraid we'll have to decline. Very well, as you leave me no choice.

We'll be asking the judge for the death penalty for stealing a boathead. Yeah. Uh-huh. If you want to play a hard ball, then we'll play a bow pen. Yeah, uh-huh. If you want to play a hard ball, then we'll play a hard ball. That's not a hard ball. That's murdering someone in a fit of pee. That's hard ball. Look, counselor, why do we talk this over lunch, right?

Do you like tacos? There's an awesome Mexican place nearby. I prefer the Chinese place down the street. Oh, yeah, not a fan. Do you mind tacos? Only if you allow me to order the death penalty from the taco place. You know what? It's fine.

Let's do Chinese. Hardball. Still not hardball. No, I work, though. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Robert Forster interviewing one of the victims friends about some there is this vicious clues that she left behind this is the weirdest most contrived shit because I

have to introduce these two letters that the victim wrote before she died and they have like her friends like wish you had to compose them on my computer and then save them there. And I still have them and printed them out for you. It took this entire scene for me to realize that that's what they said, you know, the victim sent this letter from your computer. This movie is from 2010, right? Like we all thought, oh, that meant she sent an email from your computer. But

no, they mean print it out, handed to her to put in an envelope to go mail it up post office like it's the fucking 17th century. Yes, that's and that was the best way that the fucking writer of this movie could come up with and there were letters that they found. I'm sure that's all and never minding the ultimate purpose, but yeah. Yeah. Also this scene, the first two minutes of it involved the roommate speaking in vague pronouns like, well, you know, the script writers told me I would sound more mysterious if it like there were no pronoun antecedents to anything.

But what we learn here though is that the victim's uncle was all creepy and pervy with her. And she had sent a letter to him telling him to stop doing it. Yeah. I wrote my notes, I don't know. I feel like a Christian audience is going to be torn about whether or not your uncle has the right to fuck you. Oh, my God.

It might be barking up the wrong tree with this one, Modine. So. All right. So then we cut to bad guy lawyer. And I love this because they're like, what does sinister lawyers do? Well, they probably practice golfing in front of very large hotel. Also this movie and this scene is one of the there's a there's a later scene in which he's got a car and a driver. They are playing Lindsey

Graham like he's the senior partner at a private law firm and not you know a fucking civil servant in dog patch USA right. Andrew Andrew he's a special prosecutor. He's not like one of those normal prosecutors. He's a special one. Robert Mueller is chauffeur everywhere. He does. They have litter bearers to roll out a red carpet. Yeah.

Also, can I just say I love right at the very center of my vision board now is to have an assistant stand there while I do my hobby like an asshole. Just me practicing magic tricks. Oh, and another thing, mac and cheese for dinner tonight. Yeah. Right, right. So yeah, he's doing his golfing. He's got his assistant there.

This scene is so fucking useless too. Because all that happens is his assistant gives us, like gives him a series of expository facts about Matthew Modins' character that we already got from the flashbacks. Yeah, yeah. Right. And then it wraps up with the fucking Warden McBad lawyer saying,

oh, you know, well, Matthew Modine then is a lawyer with nothing to lose. That makes him dangerous. What could that possibly mean? Don't look at me. I got a lot to lose. My son goes off to college tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow, we go to play.

Yeah. I'm so sorry. I meant you spend the last week with him doing this. At some point, you had to be like, Hey, son, who's leaving in a couple of days. I'd love to treasure our time together. But I have to watch Matthew Modine read lines off of his hand while eating while eating a fucking synabun with his finger. Alex was like, that this is not the third strangest Eli thing you've told me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So okay. So now it's time for and the shrink to interview Pete and see if he's competent to stand trial. Hey, Pete. Hello. Yep. Yeah. That's how it seems to know that I'm here and everything charging you for the full hour.

Well, and they can't think any words for her to say to him. So we just watch Matthew MoD and watch them through a little window and then cut straight to the post interview assessment. Yeah. Which they're apparently going to do standing out in the rain even though they just walked out of a room with a ceiling. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And she explains that he's depressed and he's like, why do you think that is? And she's like, oh, because of the girlfriend murder and the trial, probably. Why wouldn't he be depressed? So she's like, yeah, he could totally be fake in the amnesia thing though. And he's like, could be. And she's like, yep, that's what you get for your money with me.

He is. Right. And she's like, oh, by the way, did you have him tested for roofies as well? And he's like, yeah, we're waiting for the reveal on that one. We don't have much. It's, uh, so then we get. Matt goes to meet with Robert Forster, who has decided that he's just going to loudly

eat his way through this scene. Oh my God. Oh my God. Why the apple? I've never heard a wetter app. How did an apple? So and it's it's it's almost like Robert Porster's like realized how bad this movie was. He's like, you know what?

Fuck it. I am not missing my snack for this. I'm this delicious gal apple. Crunch. So and then of course Mindy tells him at this point, she's like, you should really get a cell phone Matthew Modine And he's like oh weird that we will be establishing now that I don't have one, but I guess necessary she's like yeah, I'm sure is So then Mac and Bob forced her go to

The jail to ask Pete about this uncle guy, right and they're like yeah, no, don't worry man good news Turns out your girlfriend's uncle was trying to fuck her Yeah, are you still depressed? Thank you for your depression. Yeah. Oh, and then of course, Pete has to meet with the bad guy, psychiatrist, as well right here. And this is important because this character will be inexplicably central to the entire goddamn story later, the psychiatrist. There could not be a less relevant character to be central to the story unless Shaw fucking moon shine guy turned out to be the murder. I'm down for that movie. Right.

That would be a twist I wasn't expecting. Yeah. All right. So now Mac walks in to get some lunch somewhere and wouldn't you know it? Christian psychiatrist. Love interest lady happens to be right at that restaurant getting lunch with her son. Yeah, so she calls him over with the, you know, Christian salutation of Mr. McClain, right, which drives home the fact that his name is Mac McClain in this movie. We're going to

continue to call him Matthew Modine because we, unlike this movie, realize 20 years after diehard, you cannot name your protagonist McClain. Nope. No, no, you know, unless he's going to have to crawl through air ducts at some point in the film. Thank you. Spoiler Matthew Modine does not crawl through air ducts. No, no.

So yeah, so he has a very charming moment with her kid, which is, I mean, if you've, what you've watched Stranger Things watching him interact with children, you can't buy the whole, which is, I mean, if you've watched Stranger Things watching him interact with children, you can't buy the whole, you know, he's a good dad thing, but that's what they're trying to sell, you know. He's like, hello, I noticed you're alive. I had a son. My son, like, was alive.

He's dead because of the death. Doesn't like peanuts anymore. Doesn't like anything. What's so fun, again, this is the sloppy writing of the death. Doesn't like peanuts anymore. Doesn't like anything. What's so fun, again, this is the sloppy writing in the movie. What's supposed to be written into the movie is, honey, why don't you go check out the dessert thing because we've got to talk about the trial. But the way it reads is, my son is in the void. Maybe he's screaming.

Maybe his consciousness just, you know, vanished like the flame of a candle. Hey, kiddo, why don't you check out the desserts? Sorry. just you know, vanished like the flame of a candle. Hey, kiddo, why don't you check out the desserts? Sorry, my motifs, we have a fucking meltdown in for you. Oh, so, and so yeah, well, the kids checking out the desserts, he tells her he's like, so yeah, turns out he didn't have roofies in his system. So that's not the plot. She's like, did you try GHB? He's like, did I try it?

I do. Like, how do I feel like she's just listing out like party the plot. She's like, did you try GHB? He's like, did I try it? I do. Like how do I feel like she's just listing out like party drug. She enjoyed it. Colleen. Yeah. Right. Have you tried Molly? Mad Dog 2020. I think that's the first that.

All right. Here, man, you take sprite and you take coding coughs. It's got to be cozy and you cook it down till it gets sticky. That's when you start stirring the spritin. But you got to do low heat or you're going to blow up your ass. I'm sorry. Are we testing it for those? No, I don't do that. I feel like I should probably beep some of that out. Should we? Why? Why we can't give fun recipes to our audience. If I was doing a meatloaf recipe, you wouldn't stop me. So take a cooler empty. Some parts are cool.

Late in the bottom. Yeah. Thank you. So okay. All right. Moving on. Andrew's on board. Yeah.

Right. How are you encouraging a pay? So okay. So now we're back. We're having another team meeting on team good lawyer and Robert Forster is going to give us some more paint chip info. And I love love this so goddamn much because he says down his paint chip and he goes I got it back from the lab that is from a mid-90s sedan I how would they know it was paint from a sedan?

What I would like I just they they use the same paint on sports scoops and hatchbacks do they not? Plus if you need to establish that it's a sedan which by the way fucking movie doesn't We have witnessed it saw it. Yeah We already knew it was a mid 90s sedan based on the guy's description This is no new information and yet fucking Matthew Modine turns to Mindy and says Mindy, call the DMV and see if they can find a match for a mid 90s sedan. Yeah, man, I feel like they'll have plenty of those. Hello, DMV, yes, I would like all of your cars. I believe it was

a Toyota Corolla. If you had a car Carla. One of those. Yeah. So yeah, so but we established that then it's like the movie is just going like don't forget the paint chip guys paint chip equals clue. Yeah. And then we learn about so the uncle, the purvy uncle is named Spencer high tower. So Tim Womack band. Yeah. I'm not insane that this is the first time we hear that name, right? Because everybody else in the movie uses it like, oh, you know, Spencer, hi, Tower, who you met extensively in Act One.

And I'm like, did I fall through the twilight zone? Okay. Right. Yeah. It's what they're going for is like, these are the richi riches in town, except they haven't established that. So they think we live in the town. Well, everybody knows the high towers.

They own the hoops mill. Yeah. No, exactly. It said some people talking to you about their work, the movie, right? But yeah, so but Bob is tailing Spencer high tower now. Yeah. And Mindy is trying to get the records about the high tower trust, the financial records. Okay. She goes to the bank, right? And you see her like, and the manager comes over and says, what seems to be the problem? And she's like, I have a warrant for these financial records. And he's like, yeah, obviously we will give you those. What

was the conversation that happened between her and the front desk guy? Why was he ready to die for the high-tech? I will give you shit, you fucking pig. Also this will turn out to be relevant to the movie later, right? But there's no reason for them to believe that it is. Like, oh, we think the uncle might be guilty. See what he's doing with his money? What? Those letters did not imply that he was, you know, blackmailing the victim, but no, they implied fucking. That was it.

Yeah. Also, I'd like all his golf scores. It's a trial. Just allowed to collect information on people. Oh, there's a great moment to like that night. He's hanging out with Mindy and they get the, um, the bad guy shrinks report and they're like, yeah, the bad guy doesn't think that he's a good person at all. They believe that he's a sociopath with homicidal tendency. So I don't think, I don't think that's beyond his remit. No, this is literally the card Jacker willy like, well, I'm going to allow it on the fact that it characterizes the victim of the witness as a card Jacker. Yes. So yes, he needs to talk to Dr. Wilk Stat. So, and then we check in with bad guy lawyer briefly, he's still evil. Yeah. But then Matthew Motine goes to see, and the psychiatrist, she's in the yard trying

to teach her son to throw a baseball, but she's a lady, right? So she can't do that because of the vagina. This is the thogorn leghorn cartoon. Oh, yes, he is literally reading from a book. And by the way, that kid knows how to throw just fucking five. Well, obviously, yeah, right. She's got the how to throw book out. She's reading. I love that they didn't bother to look up anything about throwing

a baseball. So he's like, no, no, no, it's not that you got to twist with your hips and aim for the clitoris. I don't know. Just this. We're bonding. He doesn't, he doesn't say anything right? Cause the way this scene is supposed to play out, she's trying to tease the kid out of throw baseball, but she doesn't know because she's a lady. So he comes in and he's supposed to know exactly how to do it because he's a man. But the writer of the movie can't think of anything for him to say. So he just says, let me see your fastball. That was good.

Wish to be fair. Like Andrew said, the kid obviously already knows how to throw a fucking baseball. So I guess that's all it was needed. Also weird moment. Matthew Modina's like, hey, do you have another glove so that we can pick catch it? And the kid is like, oh yeah, I keep my dead, dead head baseball glove in my backpack at all times. Right.

I said you'd ask. Yeah, he's dead. Yeah, he's like, do you want to play catch with me with my dead, dead glove? You could be like him and I could be like your dead kid. Do you think your wife and my dad are glove, you could be like him and I could be like your dad. Kid. Do you think your wife and my dad are fucking, you know, like in heaven, how do you and my mom are? Yeah. Oh, and so we cut from this scene for just a quick second to warden McBad lawyer meeting

with the evil Mr. High Tower, not the uncle, but the dad, the, the victims dad in his Mahogany room. He's having an old fashioned at 10 a.m. in a golf club, which this movie thinks is ominous and I think it's sad. All right. I think both of you are a little chuggy. So yeah, he's like, so how are things going? And he's like, oh, we're well into act two at this point.

And the guy's like, that is the whole purpose of this scene. He's like, curiously, it is. Yes. Continue to lawyer. Yep. I was going to do that. Thank you. Do a good job of you.

Go back to being a regular positive. To move you. So then we cut back to her house to Anne's house where Matthew Modine is still not talking about anything related to the case. Actually, now they're talking about her tragic backstory. Why? Why did they add this piece of flavor? It is the silliest, craziest piece of flavor you could add into the movie. For no reason. And apropos of nothing. She's like, yeah, no, my husband didn't

just die. He killed himself. Anyway, what were you saying? Yeah, this will never come up again in any way. No relevance was so ever. I really wanted voting to be like, oh, how do you do it? Because I've been, what is it? Was it a gun? How do it work right away? So, okay. So it cut back to the courtroom. There's this great moment now where Matthew Modine and Warden McBad lawyer are in the metal detector line together. Oh my God, that's so good.

Yeah, because the bad guy lawyer is just talking shit from behind him all time. Andrew, we have to do this. We have to do this. What's up? I hate to tell you this, but like when you are an attorney admitted to practice in a particular court, you have your little card, you get to skip the plea blind. So, that fucks up all our plans. Well, when do you mumble your smack talking to the other guys here?

I will say every other moment. Oh, okay. That's basically all a trial is. It says, you know, the moments in between mumbling smack talk to Lindsey Graham. The smack talk is so weird. He says at one point to Matthew Moudine, you're going down with the ship. Yeah. At which point would have been a perfect time for Matthew

Medina to come back and be like, I don't think you understand how the death battle thing works. That would have been a good comeback. You know, if we end up doing trial by combat, I'll fucking kick the shit out of you. Okay, man. He goes, well, I just so you know, the plea deal is off the table now. He's like, we already didn't take it. He's like, right. So I guess that's, that's pretty hollow. The trial began already right. I forgot. I told you I'm a very special brother. Okay. Time for the opening statements. And of course, we start with Ward McBadlayer, who works into his opening statement, how hot the victim was. Okay. It's a little weird. Let me be clear about what he says and what he implies. He says, bad layer who works into his opening statement, how hot the victim was. Okay, it's a little weird.

Let me be clear about what he says and what he implies. He says this trial is necessary because a beautiful woman is dead, which means that if she were an ego, like, we could just be like, we would never all jury or anything, we would have been a pletid dad. We would have been like,

this seems best for everybody and just sort of put a white handkerchief in the window of the car and walked away. So. And this is of course where we first meet the weird bizzara's fucking pronunciation of defendant that Eli was talking about at the beginning, right? Yeah. I could not. You guys are going gonna have to do jokes for almost every other scene in the movie because all of my notes for the rest of this film are defendant.

Defendant. Defendant? The defendant over there. I will show that the defendant did in fact murder this woman on the night that the defendant did take her out and give her drugs and yeah, just for five fucking minutes. I wanted towards the end of the movie for him to just be like, my client.

Okay. So you're doing it on purpose. Sorry. So, yeah. So he finishes up his weirdly emphasized opening statement and then Matt gets his turn and he starts off with like, I like you guys way better than that asshole over there. Does. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, murder is very serious.

And I wanted so badly for it to cut to the jury. Clown juror just stands up and walks out. He goes, the book of Proverbs says that this movie desperately needs to qualify for a dove rating. Christian movie. Oh, yeah. I was like, yeah, the book of proverb says a lot of things. Let's talk about the size of her in a lover's admission.

Yeah. Oh, God. So and then we cut straight to the first witness and this is a highly unusual as I understand it for trial lawyers. He's going to start with his surprise witness, going to use that right away. Yeah, usually you save those. Yeah, I feel like you'd save that for the for the end of the trial, but no, he opens on a surprise witness. My note is here just okay. So nobody involved with this movie in any way whatsoever.

That's like hundreds of people, right? Knows that the other side gets the witness list. Do you establish that earlier in the movie? Sorry, yeah. We had a moment where it was like, make sure you give him all your evidence and he was like, I absolutely will. And he was like, surprise witness.

Surprise witness and I will say this. We've seen a lot of surprise witnesses over years. This is the first surprise witness I've ever seen holding surprise evidence. Yeah. He's a double surprise witness. And the music sting on this is so good, right? He's like, my first witness will be Lieutenant Maraud of the Marine Corps. And we do this hilariously over the top orchestra staying and dramatic zoom in on Pete going off.

Fuck not lieutenant Monroe of the US Marines. I really wanted Matthew Modine to lean into camera and be like, who's that? We have it. We don't know that it's the reason. So yeah, but it turns out that Pete was discharged from the Marines for roofing some other lady back in the day. So that's what surprise Lieutenant Monroe is here to establish. The question to elucidate this evidence is, oh, wasn't he drummed out of the Marines for

prior similar contact, I'm writing prior similar contact as murder? What? And then, but no, they really are going with the car jacker willy thing, right? He's a kind of person who gives roofies to people all the time. Like, this is precisely, this is literally the kind of evidence you cannot admit a trial, right? Like, so you can if it's a, you know, serial killer with a signature, right? But like saying, this is the type of person who routinely administers Rohippenall to people. So therefore, he probably administered Rohippenall here is the inference you cannot ask the jury to draw, right? Right. And it's amazing that Pete didn't bother to

mention this to his lawyer. Yeah. He wasn't like, oh, and you know what? Another thing that's crazy about this murder trial is the second time I've been falsely accused of roofing people. I don't know what I gotta say away from rupees I guess because me and them where's our oil and water But yeah, so but that that takes place in the courtroom and then we get this scene where he's like his lawyer has to chew him out for Not having mentioned to that and I'm like, yeah, no, that's fair. You give, you give you a lawyer a heads up on this. Yeah. No, that is it. That is immediately preceded. I'm sorry, just I have to to vent more by Matthew Modine standing up for cross examination and saying, no, no questions at this time. You're on, no, that means no questions. As a whole like, you know,

if you don't get to come back and be like, I might think of some a week from now. Like, you need to prepare to your not. Yeah, sorry. Well, what if I want to use him as my surprise to it? No, no, no. I would, the Jerry be willing to put a mustache on this witness and come back and say the opposite things to my side, tomorrow.

Well, that almost happens. Right, yeah, actually, you're right. Oh, okay. So then we get the toxicology guy, Yes, I do. Tomorrow. Well, that almost happens. Right. Yeah, actually, you're right. So, okay, so then we get the toxicology guy that was eating the sub sandwich earlier. So good. The ad for GHB, you mean the advertisement for GHB? Yes.

Yeah, he goes, uh, did the defendant have roofies in his system? He's like, no, you're witness. And he's like, how about GHB? And the guy's like, yep, sure had that. And special prosecutor, guys, like, damn, I should have asked about any other subs. So, all right, both sides here are just asking. Like usually the problem in law movies is that both sides will ask leading questions, right? You'll get the leading question.

Isn't it true of your own witness on direct? But here both sides are just asking wild open-ended questions with no follow-up. So that's what makes this possible for Matthew Bodinus like, okay, did you test for other stuff? Yeah, I did. Did you test for other stuff? Yeah, I did. Did you test for GHB? Yep, I did. And he was positive for GHB. And at this point, the movie is fucking over.

Your witness has testified that the criminal defendant was helpless at the time the murder was committed. Right? Like, I feel like this is a, let's adjourn this movie and go home now, right? Right. Right. No, but we're going to continue under the aspect that he apparently did a, a sleep murder. It's that.

And never revisit that at all. Yeah. So, okay. So, like, I guess it's that evening or the next day or whatever. We get Mindy. She's on to something. It turns out that Robert Forster got a picture of the high tower guy going to see the psychiatrist guy at some point during his investigation. Why would any of this matter to them? Well,

you have to have watched the whole movie for that to make any sense at all. We've written this script for this move. We've read ahead. Yeah, right. Right. So, okay. So now we're back in court and that psychiatrist is on the stand. And so we get the cross examination of that psychiatrist where he's like, hey, why was Spencer Hightower walking into your office and what the hell does this have to do with the plot? Yeah.

Can we get an objection who the fuck is Spencer? I'll say it. You could dump me in via ADR. But don't worry, it's the dumbest possible connection. The psychiatrist is also Spencer, high towers financial advice. He's a psychiatrist slash financial advisor. Yes. Yeah. I, I manage 401k's on the weekends. This is only possible from a script written by people who are used to, you know, pastoring like the job where you do nothing and people leave money

in a plate for you. Exactly. I also just want to point out that the psychiatrist tries out defendant here. And you can, the other lawyer very clearly gets mad at me. He's like, that's my, I'm doing that. I'm doing moving. It's my, it's my, I'm doing it. It's my, so yes, but eventually at long last word and make bad lawyers is objection. What the fuck is any of this about and the judges like, no, that's a great. That's a really is objection. What the fuck is any of this about and the judges like, no, that's a great. That's a really good objection. I'm surprised you didn't do that earlier. Sorry, I was actually asleep. What happened in the movie? Yeah. All right. So meanwhile, Rob Borscher has tracked down the other guy who is there

when the defendant supposedly rufted the woman when he was a Marine, right? Yeah. This is the script writing equivalent of introducing two sock puppets to fight each other to the mutual death in order to add eight minutes to your mouth. Right, right. There's also this great mode.

He shows up at the guy's house and he's like, Harry O'Reyan and the guy just bursts out of the door at a full run and he goes, don't run, I'm not a cop. And so he just stops, which means that the writer originally had a chase scene in mind. And Robert Furcher's like, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm 61. What the fuck you talking about, chase scene.

I also, I feel like the cops should try occasionally. No, don't run. I'm not a cop. And then you get up the next surprise. I say, I'm a cop. No, I'm just headed to a costume party. I'm ready. I believe you.

So yeah, so he's like, all right, I'll talk with you. We can have a scene and he's like, all right, good. Good that we can have a scene. And it turns out that it wasn't really Pete who roofied the lady. It was actually Lieutenant Monroe, who was the roofier in question. So the movie's story and it's sticking with it is that this same guy has now twice been framed for roofing women. He just has the worst luck.

I guess. Yes. Yeah. And Harry's like, I can't help you. I can't go back to that life as a character witness. And Bob's like, well, what if I give you a uplifting speech with some rising strings behind it? He's like, well, that might just do the trick.

You know what would have been nice for the audience would have been if Robert Forster had asked the question, why exactly did you agree to throw your friend Pete under the bus like, oh, I see, nevermind. Gotta read ahead against the script demands that you suck on the stand in, in, uh, about a half an act from now. Yeah.

Who could possibly predict that the guy whose instinct was to run screaming from his house because a person knew his name would be a bad witness. Yeah. So, oh, speaking of bad witnesses. So now we've got to get comic relief chewing tobacco guy on the stand, right? Now, Andrew, and this is important for our inevitable trial. Or wait, this is allowed to just blather on about whatever the fuck. Only if they're the comic reliefs. That's a hard no. That's a negative ghost writer.

Well, and okay, so this is one of the few witnesses. He's like, was there a second car chasing the victim that night? And he's like, yep. And he's like, oh, that seems pretty fucking exculpatory. I guess we're going to ignore that from now on too, right? I'm sorry. This was the point in the script in which I wrote, where the fucking the trial are we, right?

Like, usually you get cues like, you know, one side will call a witness, one side will be asking leading questions, right? Like, they're little hints that help you get through an episode of Matlock here. But like since, since nobody calls any fucking witnesses to the stands, nobody cross examines anyone. Like, it's just like, I don't know, people want to speak now. Yeah. Right. It's it. You get it. Witness and then I get it with this and then you get it. Well, no, because it's you get, you use your surprise, it works like football timeouts. You can use your surprise witness

within 15 minutes. The other guy's first witness. I see. Tell us more about how football time looks for a table. Right, right. I did the moment I knew you were gonna call that bluff entry. How dare you?

So, okay. So now Ann is on the stand, the psychiatrist, the Jesus, the psychiatrist. Again, she just magically appears up on the stand, but it does tell us that we are now clearly in the defenses side. That means the prosecution has rested, right? Which might be the kind of thing a law movie

might want to show us, sorry, yeah. This is also genuinely the funniest, worst edit in the movie. She's her first statement is Mr. Thompson is not a sociopath and then it cuts to a shot of this actor Looking like he's trying to blow something up with his mind He's just like he looks like he's trying to shit into a water bottle about all of them. You're gonna get in the dentist. Well, he's like, what tests of you performing? And she's like, all the ones that came up with the writer

Googled psychiatric tests list. Yeah. But also, like also, sorry, Andrew, another legal question for you. Would you bring on a witness if the best thing that they could say about your client is, well, he's not a sociopath. I'm pretty sure of that.

Sure. This will matter for the future of this company. Andrew, it's a carefully. I feel very confident I could find a better expert than that. All right. Good to know. And then, okay. So then she gets cross-examined and the entire cross-examination is warden. Make a bad lawyer going, you fucking Matthew Modain? I feel like you're fucking Matthew Modain.

You guys looked like you were fucking just that. The best part, so okay, yeah, right, this is unbelievably stupid cross-ex, right? But then the objection, right, by Matthew Modain, right, he kinda looks at the judge, and the judge is exact answer is, well, he's got her on cross. And I'm like, oh, good to know. So I can

ask whatever the fuck I want in cross examination. Apparently, you know what they say? It's his turn to talk. Is this the two of you eating peanut butter pie together? Well, yeah, he's allowed to climb into the jury box. It just feels guilty. But a, but a pitter that your honor, because I get a whole lot of cross-examination. Yeah. I'm coming up, you know. Right.

All right. So now, Harry, the character witness marine guy that's going to refute the other sock puppet's testimony is he's on the stand now. Is he on the stand or are we all underneath a viaduct during monsoon season? Yeah. No, it's like you're very dramatically rainy out. or are we all underneath a viaduct during monsoon season? Yeah, no, it's like you're very dramatically rainy out. A lot of punctual thunder. But it is rainyer in the folly than it was with that scene with Matthew Modine and

under an umbrella. Yes, it is, yeah, no, this is, we're standing underneath the drain testimony. Sorry, I just want to set the scene properly. Right, right. No. And so, and Harris says, no, it was the other guy that reviewed the woman and I just lied about it, no particular reason. And then Warden McBadlayer gets to cross examine him.

And he says, hey, man, do you like right bad checks every single day of your entire adult life? And he's like, sure do. He's like, all right, just wanted to clear that up. He's written 137 bad checks at liquor stores. What fucking liquor store takes a check? Hi, welcome to gullible gulps. Paying promises and wishes today, which you prefer to the discovered. Covered. Yeah, but no, I wrote my notes, holy the fuck, 137 bad checks, who was still taking checks in 2010.

All right, well, I'll tell you what, things are looking pretty bad for hard flips. So we're going to take a quick break to steal ourselves for the verdict. But first, let me give Axe three of the hard sell. Will Matthew Modine's clever, loyering save his client? Will the jury sentence beat the death? Will the defense's theory about the murder prove correct? No, on all three counts! But keep listening anyway, when we return for the holy fuck we've got it and this thing conclusion of the trial. Now a word from our sponsor BetterHelp.

Hi, I'm Andrew Torres and I'm Eli Bosnick. As you can imagine, Eli tends to put people through a lot. Oh, like the time I hit those speakers in the funeral home. Right, right, or the time that you died the city water supply green. Yeah, that was for St. Paddy's Day. It was festive. The point is, you don't need to be the subject of one of Eli's prank wars.

Did need someone to talk to, and that's why there's better help. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat-only therapy sessions. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's affordable, financial aid is available, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Plus, I personally am in therapy. And obviously, I recommend it.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. Better help because sometimes Eli hires a Batman actor to leap on you from a building. That was a gift. A gift to me. Ah. Ha ha ha. Now, Mr. Howell, can you confirm

that you saw the defendant at the scene of the crime? I'm a objection, your honor. And yes, counselor, it's defendant. That's what I said, defendant. Defendant. That's clearly what he's saying. I- am I a fucking crazy person? Defendant! Not defendant! Mr. Torres, if we can get back to the matter at hand...

Ah, just... fine. Sorry. Anyways, as I was saying, did you see the defendant at the scene of the crime? That's it, I quit. But... but the defendant needs That's it, I quit. But, but the defendant, it needs you... Oh, fuck you. It's important that you stay. And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're gonna open on the prison yard with Pete and Mack chatting eventually. Really, we just panoramic back away for like 18 minutes and then finally it lands on in yard with Pete and Mac chatting eventually. Really, we just panoramic back away for like 18 minutes. And then finally it lands on them. And they're like, made conversation, made conversation. Yeah. Oh, okay. I'll start talking now. Well, the camera's got us in frame. So this is also where we're Mac tells Pete that he can't testify

because he's an idiot. This is such a meaningless thing to have in the script, right? Because Pete's like, I can't wait until I get on the stand and I testify on my behalf. And I'm actually, yeah, no, that's not to shut up. That's not going to happen. But that, like, there's never reason for that. Because like, you do that in a movie. If eventually he's going to get on the stand and win the jury over. But if he's just never going to take the stand, then why have this conversation at all? Yeah, but to be clear, you would never put him on the stand. Like, I don't care how

blonde and blue idea is, right? Like, this is, this is the only good lawyer moment to the movie. He's like, I'm going to put you on the stand and you're gonna say, I don't remember anything, but I loved her. Like, yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah, right. This is also where I realized that this young man's version of acting is to look like someone just shot their pants and he's trying not to acknowledge it.

So, okay, so we cut back to the trial. Now, Alexander Hightower is taking the stand. This is the victim's dad, right? Why the fuck would, but, but anyway, so he's on the stand. Matthew Modine is like, he wanders in from the back, by the way. Sorry, I just have to talk about it because it's the craziest thing. He just gets his own entrancy. Who knows how he even heard it? Apparently he was listening with a glass to the door for his fucking cue in trial. Yeah, right?

He's the richest man in dog patch. He has a private entrance to the bathroom. Let's see why this is weird. No, that's fair. So, yeah, so he takes the stand and Matthew Modine is like, please read this distressed email that I claim your daughter wrote about your pervy brother allowed for the jury. And he's like, well, I guess you asked me to do it. I have to do those things now. Yeah. Nice of him to do a dramatic reading too.

Oh, yeah. What's my motivation? He's full on community theaters this shit. And by the way, you don't need me to tell you like they do not need him to read this letter. It's here say either way, right? And the declarant is dead, right? She's the victim. And he can't authenticate it. He's never seen it. It's also, it's more surprise evidence. Well, right. Each one more surprise. I've been in the last year. Literally, though, literally in this case. Well, that's right. I mean, they reverse admit the letter, right? Like, so he reads it first.

And then, and then you establish, you know, that lawyer thing you do where you're like, okay, you've seen this email before, right? And he's like, nope. And, well, did how do we know this isn't something Matthew Modi just wrote last night? Yeah. Can you confirm you saw my breaking bad guy holding

your can of paint chips earlier in the movie? It's important. Exactly the same thing. Oh. So yeah, and so he says, yeah, no, that's a pretty disturbing email. And then bad guy lawyer gets up and he's like, okay, so just to be clear, that has nothing to do with anything happening in the case, correct?

And then Mr. Hyatt, I was like, yeah, no, that is correct. Yeah. And then they bring on Pervy Uncle. This is the first time in the movie that we've seen this act. Yeah. This is Spencer Hyta, right? What to the Alex Jones School of Witnessing? Yeah.

Oh, boy, didn't he? So he says, he's like, you know what, I've got a creepy email for you to read as well. And he's like, oh, good, I've been practicing voices off. I was hoping you would have me do this too. How amazing would it be if he just, because he's reading the email from her to him. What if he had read it and like, I'm gonna see you again.

That's what she was like, trust me. She sounded like, he's like, yeah, did you take $50,000 out of your trust two days before she died? And he goes like, yeah, I guess that is a relevant question that I will be required to answer for the judge. He's like, damn right. It is. Well, no, sorry. First, he insults the jury and then he pisses off the judge and then he answers the question. Yes. Yeah. I just have a tiny acting moment that I want to point out. So he's sassy and then the judge and then he answers the question. Yes. Yeah. I just have a tiny acting moment that I want to point out. So he's sassy and then the judge in the script slams his gaville and goes, you answer those

questions. Exempt the actor is way too overzealous with his gaville and surprises everyone in the movie. He's like, boy, oh, man, everyone's like, whoa, what the fuck was that? He's like, I thought it was just a little wooden hammer. I didn't think it would make it. It makes such a loud noise. Fuck.

Do we want to redo the, oh, we're still keeping this shot? Oh, I guess so. So and then he ends with this brilliant bit of loyering. He says to Spencer, hi, tower. He's like, so is it, is it true that you're actually the murderer and he goes, no, I literally word for word. the questions are, did you hire someone to kill her? No.

Did you drug them? No, and I just have, well, shit, those questions always work on MATLAB. What? Why didn't you do that? Well, then who did do it? I don't know, man. What's happening right now in the movie?

Oh, so now we have to have a moment. We're going to check in on all our characters and see what they're doing. We start with Pete, who's in the, the jail yard trying to, I guess, reenact the nuke playground dream sequence from Terminator 2. Right. We just see him at the, at the gate they're looking pencively. We see Robert Forster. Now he's investigating and what he's doing now, he's got his little paint chip, right? And he's going to every single car in every single used car lot in presumably earth, right? The world and holding his paint chip up to him going like, is there this much paint missing anywhere on this car? This is going to pay off for them eventually believe it or not. We also, one more that I have to put out.

When we see Warden McBadlayer, he's practicing a handshake. Isn't he? He is literally, thank you. He's literally doing like, okay, good. That one was good, but I'm going to give it an eight out of 10. Just try it again. And of course, high tower is drinking in his Mahogany Gulf club and Mac is brooding in the graveyard.

Now it's time for their closing arguments, right? Oh, and Matthew Modine's idea of what a closing argument is, is to reread the jury instructions as to what reasonable doubt means because otherwise, you will have forgotten that I got the only relevant piece of information back in act two when their witness testified that my guy was incapacitated at the time that the girl was going to put no, he decides not to bring up that piece of evidence because you know, that would be inconsistent with the way the script is going to go. Also, so is there a dramatic lighting thing that they do in course where it gets dimmer

and dimmer as you get closer to the end of the trial? Andrew. Yeah, they actually let you hit a button and the lights lower. Okay. All right. I was just the whole fucking thing is lit like a haunted house. It's amazing. Also, Andrew, just real quick, is the definition of reasonable doubt? If there's any chance

he didn't do it, you have to say he's innocent. Is that that's why that adjective reasonable does a lot of heavy with it? You hear Matthew Modinho, I eagerly await the day that Spencer high tower has tried. And I'm like, what the guy who answered no to your questions, like, I don't, like we have zero evidence that he did anything. Right. I mean, ominous music, but yeah, and then I was ominous music. Also, you're supposed to add a little roast of the other lawyer at the end of your closing statement, right?

Just a reminder, he was the warden in Shawshank Redemption. He was the bad guy. Always the bad guys. And then, okay, he gets up to do his closing statement. There's this this amazingly weird moment where we truly learn how lazy this writer is, right? Where he starts explaining what a red herring is. And every single detail he gives is wrong. It's insane. It's it's the I literally I never do this. I got Anna. I was like, Anna, you have to watch this and confirm that this exists in the universe.

Have you ever heard this? And she was like, no, of course, Tom, this isn't what it is. He's like, is what a red herring is. It's a fish that distracts other fish from eating its babies. That's why they call distractions red herring. Okay. So I don't blame anyone for not knowing the origin of this fucking phrase, right? It's a kind of a weird one. But to be clear, a red herring isn't a type of herring out the wild. It is red. They turned red when you smoke them. And the reason that a red

herring means something meant to distract you is because you can use them to like throw the scent of like dogs that are following something off, right? That's the idea you drag a red herring along the ground and the dog will follow that instead of, you know, the criminal that just broke out. Whatever. That's the origin of the phrase. So why have the guy even try to throw something out there? If you don't know what the origin of the phrase. So why have the guy even tried to throw something out there if you don't know what the origin of the goddamn phrase? You know what I bet that means? Is what we got from this writer.

Yep. I kind of feel like Lindsey Graham was like, hey man, I was in Shawshank. So I'm not looking to shut up for you. And you know, he started off the negotiations with okay, so I get I get to chew the scenery in at least one scene. I got this great bit about herrings and it totally kills. I promise.

Yeah. Also, he ends his thing by very solemnly raising the actress who's supposed to be Amanda's headshot. The murder. The acting headshot. Yeah. I really wanted a flash cut of the victim. The victim. Yeah. Yeah. I really wanted a flash cut of him printing that out at Staples.

This is for a very important end of closing statement, dramatic moment. So make sure you put the little head shot porter in her resume. And okay. And then so he finishes up his, his closing statement. And then the judge, Judge of the jury, and, and says, have a decision to me by Monday. I guess I just, all right. You both know that my notes here just say, wait, what the actual fuck, but here's the thing when the closing statements are done.

The jurors go deliberate in that jury room, right? They don't go home for the weekend to like watch the news and, you know, chat with their neighbors and otherwise contaminate the whole fucking trial. You they don't usually like compare schedules with the judge to see when a fucking verdict was. Yeah, right. So you know, a Friday night is going to be terrible for me, guys. I've been a kid. I have been going on Tuesday. So we do next Thursday for the murder verdict. So all right. So so we cut to Mac and Mindy wondering how act three is going to play out.

And then we skip straight to the jury announcing their decision. So there was no reason for the judge to adjourn until Monday. He could have just said, okay, now go deliberate. We could imagine that this just happens, you know, 40 minutes later or something. I'm sorry, I can't allow you to pass over what Mac and Mindy all right are discussing for the strategy. Oh, yes. Of course. Yeah. The all I need is one and that will hang the jury. And you know, I'm going to just go on a little bit on a limb here. Do take this one and only one piece of legal advice from this podcast. If your criminal lawyer strategy is to hope that one guy is going

to hold out and be a hung jury, then you should get a new lawyer. Especially when he has the fucking toxic college, this guy give like completely ex-coventory evidence in that trial. Oh, yeah. Unbelievable. So, okay, so now it's time for the verdict. Don't worry, there's still like 23 minutes left in the movie. So it's not gonna be not guilty, right?

So they say to me, we find the defendant guilty, but at least we pronounce defendant normally. Hey, Andrew, is there more trial after the end of the trial? Um, there actually is. Yeah. In a, in a capital case, right? So you would come back and then argue whether he gets the death penalty or not. Nothing. You would know that from this movie where you come back and Matthew Modine uses that time to treat the jury as free therapy. He totally does.

Yeah. So, okay. But now, yeah, the kid is guilty. They're going to come back the next day or the following Monday, whatever, and do the sentencing. So, Matthew Modody needs to walk off and be sad for a while. Oh my God. If he went home and shot himself followed by the credits, this would be my favorite fucking movie. Well, fuck, I should have

just killed myself at the beginning. This would have turned out the same. Either way, they would have had to have paid for the royalties to use the sad, walkie-away music from the Bill Bixby incredible. Oh yeah, he needed that in this moment. So okay, but wait, this is what he goes back to the headstones, which we've seen a number of times in this movie him standing over the headstones of his of his dead family. This is the first time we back that shot up enough to realize that those are not in a graveyard. Just that's the tree behind his house. Apparently, stupcrete me the fuck out. It's the it's the dog leg part for it. Mar-a-logger. Yeah. Just won a bear. Can I bear my son and my wife on my house,

my backyard? I mean, I guess, man. Good. Stop you. I'm going to need it for moping. Yep. So, yeah, it cuts down on a lot of commute time in his mope. Yeah. So, okay. So, but then he goes to visit Anne, the psychiatrist, and he's like, I know you're barely in the movie, but you're the love interest. It was clear from Warden McBad Lawyers testimony. You are the love interest. She says, I am the love interest, yeah.

So they talk about their grief and Jesus. Yeah, and God has a reason for your grief. Yeah, I really wanted to cut to that conversation and heaven God smoking a cigarette All right, we're gonna kill this guy's wife and kid because I got a meth head who's gonna get in a car crash in a couple of weeks No, I have no other solutions for this and talk about a week ass apologetic for the problem of evil here. She says, you know, you've been so busy being mad at God for killing your family that you forgot to thank him for not killing you too. Which I'd love it if that became his strategy legally, right? He goes back to the court. He's like, think about all the other people my client didn't kill, right? Let's thank him for that a little bit.

But no one said he goes how many cries over some photographs. Yeah. And then we cut to the sentence in which is apparently done in dramatic monologue for him. This is the weirdest thing in the fucking world because for no discernible reason before or after he starts explaining to the jury that when he got this case, he was suicidal. Shit, not a thing you can do. No, absolutely. Look, there is very little that is prohibited in your closing argument, but personal advocacy and stories is one of those things.

Yeah. Hey, everybody. My name is Andrew. I interviewed this fucking green party motherfucker in my podcast. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but when you drill down on what he's saying, it's so foolish. Anyways, get Eli off stealing that mo pet. What do you say? Yeah. So he says, I was suicidal. And if you can pick my client, wow, that might just push me over the edge. Anyway, as you're deciding whether or not you can pick my client, while that might just push me over the edge anyway,

as you're deciding whether or not to convict my client and send them to the electric chair or whatever, I want you to consider one word, just one word. It's an ordinary word. So I crossed De La Quentin, Sinectica off of my list or whatever. I was really rooting for Oopsy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And I'm sitting here thinking, this is the penalty phase for your client who was convicted of having killed some murder.

Yes. Maybe, maybe not point out that we have a culture of life being cheap, because they're going to be like, hmm, wonder who helped perpetrate that culture, the murdering murderer over there? Right. Yeah, exactly. So he says, but life is a gift from God. Noah, it counts.

It counts, it counts. It counts. It counts this movie counts. And then they said them away. Then we get this charming little scene where Mindy bought Mac a cell phone as a, you know, let's hope you don't get your client killed present. I guess such a weird tonal shift of like and as I stared down the barrel of the gun, I think go go for a walk. I just during the other guys closing everybody, he's just super playing Angry Birds. Guys, have you seen these? I'm on like level 17 of Candy Crush.

Will you guys friend me and give me sprinkly balls? That's it. So okay, but now the jury has reached their sentencing decision, right? So we go back in and we replay that other scene, but they're not going to send them to the electric chair. They've decided to give them a life sentence with a possibility of parole. And we're all right in our notes. Like, wait, who won? Then it would be movie wise. Is that a win for a man? Did he get a partial cue walking on sunshine? Yeah. Now, let me just say credit where credit is to warden McBad guy lawyer leans over with a

fucking sick ass burn here. He's like, Hey, man, I'm really glad you didn't kill yourself because then I wouldn't of fucking one. Hey, man, I'm really glad you didn't kill yourself because then I wouldn't have fucking won so hard. Face. Goodbye from the movie. All right. So, okay, then we cut to Max office. It's open once again.

He had closed it in his depression, but now he's loyering again. Yeah. This is the lesson. If the movie ends right here, the lesson is, get your client convicted. Sent this to life in prison and your life will turn out just fine. Yeah, right. Exactly. You still get your 600 bucks and everything. Yeah.

Oh, yes. No, but then so Mindy comes and she's like, hey, you know, I thought I found something very interesting about Pete's case and he's like, yeah, I am still interested in that for some reason. Don't alive. Question. Even says, let's subpoena the doctor, the bad doctor guy. And I was like, as your role as people who were lawyers, what are subpoenas things that you can just fire out of a t-shirt cannon?

They are clearly part of the lawyers inherent power according to this movie, even like baby Aaron Gray, like she goes to deliver it to Dr. Evil scumbag. And she says it's from Mac McLean, right? Matthew Modine's character's name because there isn't an open case that it could actually be from. Yeah. You're playing Go Fish with Andrew. He just hands you a subpoena shit. Okay. I do have to. I have to.

If you want to ask for to. I hate when you use your lawyer power story. It'll be on orange paper too. Like, of course, obviously. But yeah, but she's discovered that the evil psychiatrist slash financial advisor is the president of five different companies that Spencer high tower. Oh, right. And they have to subpoena the records for all of those because I don't know. Yeah, right because he's got murder. I, yeah, I do the shit for a living and even

I. Alex Jones's lawyers are watching this movie going. It's fucking stupid. I do the shit for a living and even I Alex Jones's lawyers are watching this movie going So me well Bob Forster still out there comparing his paint ship to literally every used car for sale anywhere in the southeastern United States And what do you know he finds a match? Yep, just after the trial is ended. Yeah, great, great timing there, Bob. Yeah. Plus the, the car dealer here is, you know, poor man's Kevin Klein. And oh, so literally, I'm sorry, I'm checked out for the rest of this movie because all I could think of is how great a fish called Wanda is. Sure. Sure. Get to your happy place. He's playing me. I'm just muttering like Aristotle was not belching under my plan. So I love this because he's detective trick here, breaking bad guys detective trick here is, Hey, I'll buy this car, but only if I can gently kiss the previous owner on the

mouth. And the fucking car dealer is like, yep, that's definitely a thing. Use car's mill salesman. I will do that for you. So I sure can't. I will tell you exactly where he lives. Go detect him. I'll give you an address and then you come back and buy the car. But wait, wait, wait, before you go, pinky promise. Okay. You guys want to make sure. But this scene, this scene isn't just pointless, right? It is a deliberate malicious cucumber order level fuck you to all of us for watching it, right? Because the paint chips red herring, the car red herring,

Spencer high tower being, you know, super purvy and wanting to fuck his niece red herring, like it's red herring's all the way down. Yeah, it really is. So he fall, he goes to this address and of course as he's walking up he hears dog new bird the the psychiatrist financial advisor walking out of that house in that moment going why we're gonna bad guys some more we are the true villains in this I believe it or not if you've been following along with this movie this might be hard to believe

I believe it or not, if you've been following along with this movie, this might be hard to believe. But I'm the bad guy and my motivations are, let me just say it, bananas. So okay, so the, the doctor's been subpoenaed. So he has to that day bring his records to Matthew Moodyne's office, right? Yeah, it's one of those one day subpoena. Yes, it right. Well, it's one of those one day. Yeah, it's a right one. It's a personal day. FedEx cured T's. You can't later that same day or it's free. Yeah.

So he brings my his files and he's like, Hey, man, I'm just here to bring all of this, this is being criminating evidence. Can I have a moment alone with your beverage? He goes, he brings him the papers and he's like, do you have any more coffee? And he's like, oh, yeah, I do. And he's like, leave the room though. But don't take your, don't take your coffee with God dammit. I've literally watched botched proposals go better than this.

So yeah, so, and of course we get Bob following the bad guys from the car seller house in her cut with the city goes like Matthew Modi and goes, look man, we've got like six minutes left in this movie or so, could you want to just monologue about the master plan? You're clearly the bad guy now. He's like, yeah, no, I've already ruffied you so that'll be fine. I can tell you all about this. This is where the laughter turned into just tears of delight because I had the first time through I had no idea where this was like Matthew motine was roofied and like slumps out

of his chair and then and it cannot be stressed enough like Dr, Dr. Mick Batkeye here is 70. And I'm going to say 285 pounds, right? This is, I'm going, oh God, are we going to get a recreation of Tom Cruise beating the shit out of Wilford Brimley? And, but, if Tom Cruise was roofied at the time, yes. And that's the thing is, I did not, I honestly expected I swear to God. I expected that this movie was going to have Matthew Modine say, see, I knew you were going to roofie me with that whole thing. So I've been slowly building

up my immunity to roll. A lot of the princess bride and I came out of you. But both of the cops were roofied. Oh, that one did so much better. But no, instead they just kind of have roofies on Matthew Modine, just kind of make him try and shoot you in the dick. I don't know. I, you explain the end of the scene to me. At one point as the doc is like, oh, are you feeling dizzy? Is your judgment impaired? I want to be like, how do you feel about Bitcoin? Is it?

Yeah. And then look his, his new cell phone rings and the, and the doctor's like, Yeah, but I didn't think he had a cell phone. He didn't do that too. So they wrestle for it and what I'm sure the writer assumed would be dramatic and actiony. But again, it's a 70 year old overweight guy wrestling with a drug to guy. And it looks like that instead. Yeah, it's the kind of thing you'd take your phone out to film, but wouldn't put in a movie. It's a very specific. Yeah, let's leave it at that. So yeah, so, but but he grabs the phone and he throws it away that the bad guy does. But just then Matthew Modine grabs his suicide gun.

And the dude goes, whoa, what are you going to do with that? Yeah, and the answer is shoot you. You'll get a death sentence. Yes, that's it turns out to be fair. If Matthew Modine had just started to fillate the gun like, yeah, no, I made it weird.

I also probably would have saved his life. late the gun like, no, I made it weird. I also probably would have saved his life. Yeah. So, but yeah, but he shoots a kneecaps the motherfucker, right? But again, we do not know it is kneecaps until like two scenes from now. What we see is Matthew, Modine, point the gun at Dr. Evil's face and then lower it. A lot of Robocop. And it's like, all right, we know what's coming down. Yeah, right, right. But yeah. And then of course, Robert Forcer's like, well, I get to beat somebody up, right? And they're like, yeah, you can beat up the goons who are waiting outside. So he beats up the goons that are waiting

outside and runs in and saves the day. Sorry, I just have to clarify, I know it doesn't matter. And I know it's the stupidest thing ever. But if I have to know it, so does our audience. To be clear, the plot of this movie is that the psychiatrist was embezzling from the trust of the girl who got murdered, and then murdered her because when she dies, the trust pays out 50 grand. Well, so when she dies,

the other surviving members who are part of the trust get her money, right? So, and then he was gonna kill everybody except for Spencer that are part of the trust get her money. Right. So and then he was going to kill everybody except for Spencer that was part of the trust. And then he was going to steal Spencer's money. That was the stupid fucking plot of the stupid plan was a Tom team, a one man, Tom team. Yes. Uh, and also his plan for killing Matthew Modine was to

roofie him and then force feed him alcohol and then dump his body into the water. So everybody would think that he roofied himself and then got drunk and then drowned himself. Well, this guy, you know what? He was just in a trial all about roofies. I bet he did this for like an ironic dramatic. I'm not supremacist. Right. So yeah.

So but then we get the quick aftermath scene where all the first responders are there like they're like here's here's I don't know anti-roofies or whatever we need you to be conscious in the next scene. Are there anti-roofies? I don't think there are anti-roofies. Okay. So okay, and then we get the the warden meeting with Alexander high tower and explaining the whole convoluted dumbass plot just in case grandma didn't get it through the series of reveals, right? Alex looks at Warden McBad lawyer at the end of that and he goes, well, that's not,

uh, not very satisfying at all in terms of plot. Are they? That's crazy. What the fuck are they possibly going to call this movie? I don't know, man. I mean, there was a trial. And then Pete gets out of jail and Matt goes to the support group and becomes a Christian. So people 100% does not get out of jail. This is 2010, right? We are in Antony's Scalia America at this point and actual innocence is not a basis for a

abious petition. Oh, you're right. So, uh, no, this is the movie sadly, everybody is happy except Pete, who gets to also serve 25 years. Yeah. Yeah. Life. No, life. That was right.

Yeah. Yeah, I know life with the possibility of parole. Yeah. So, okay. And then we see that he's gone to the support group to be all Christian. And then the movie closes with him going into an empty courtroom and sort of smiling to himself and going, yep, lawyer. Who's got two thubs and succinct closing arguments?

All right. So one final legal question for you to close things off. And I think it's going to be, it's a fairly obvious one. Oh, all right. So one final legal question for you to close things off. And when I think it's gonna be, it's a fairly obvious one. Do you periodically walk around empty courtrooms and nod proudly at the fact that you're a lawyer? And if not, would you like to learn more about our Lord and Savior, Jesus of Nazareth?

Ooh, interesting. So who, yes, I would desire to learn more about this. Hey, hey, sus of all music. In finest Christian apologetics fashion, I, a white male professional in the United States have of course never heard of it. Yeah, right, right. Uh-huh. Their dream come true.

Well, Andrew, thanks again so much for hanging out with us. Pretty sure we'd have been able to catch a few legal flubs without y'all in this one, even. Interesting. If you can imagine that, but glad to have you here nonetheless And while that does it for our review of the trial

That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure ourselves back into this perpetual trap So Eli tell us what's on deck Well Noah, I've been looking forward to this one for a really long time And if the IMBB description doesn't tell you why, nothing will quote, a second hand report of a man vomiting after eating chicken leads a preacher to believe a vampire is a foot. Luckily for the guy, his girlfriend has AIDS,

which allows him to be spared. What? We'll be watching the last vampire on earth. Holy fuck, it's shit. Luckily is doing a lot of that. Anyway, all right. So with that, to look forward to we're going to bring episode 366 to a merciful close ones again, a huge thanks to Andrew, who

shows you'll find linked on the show notes. If you want to hear more from him and trust me, you do. And perhaps even huge, thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to carry something among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help set a time by leaving a five star review on by make the show go. If you'd like to carry yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an entry version of every episode.

You can also help set a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms that have been enjoyed. This show, be sure to check out our similar shows to the Skating A, the Ascentation Data, D&D, minus the Skeptocrat available wherever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful.

And we'll be sent to gmail.com, legal surfaces for this podcast or provide them at a law office as a P-endritor. Is hey, that's that guy. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written before and by Ryan Slant, and we'll be able to drive some bars. All the other music was written before

by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirkkin, was usually the permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neil, I'm positive. I'm an illusion, it's promise to work harder or another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Lindsey Graham called up a bunch of Republicans in Georgia and tried to convince them to

overturn the 2020 election. And now he has to testify before Fanny Willis' grandchurch. Unrelated, but yeah, I'm glad you're prejudiced. Lindsay Graham also probably roofied some motherfuckers and stole money from a family trust while we're on the subject. Indeed. Every single actor in this movie has deleted it from their memory. I bet Nikki DeLogue has a...

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