God Awful Movies - 367: The Last Vampire on Earth

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of The Last Vampire on Earth, the story of somebody writing bad Twilight fanfiction and somebody else filming it. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

But the best thing happens here. Yes, the best thing happens. She's in the middle of being like do you want salt or pepper? Chad somehow dives into the shot. I was like, I'll eat the clump. The mom is like Chad and he's like fuck off Debbie. I said dude Is anybody eating this decorative pumpkin? God awful movie Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Bo! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Booby! Bo back. Let's just get right into it. I'm so excited. Yeah, no, I'll go quick. I'll go quick of the intro. Eli's here too. Okay. Cool. Now here, yes, me. I'm sitting in an under my sweat. My orath. He's my bad for Eli. I'm gonna lie out of you this fine afternoon, sir. Oh, I'm out of vampire movie. Let's see what will we bring it down to that vampire on earth. It's a very positive take on vampires written by Jehovah's Witnesses. And I guess that makes sense considering both groups have a whole bunch of trouble getting invited in the front

door. So that's positive. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved Twilight, but the Mormon subtext wasn't quite bad shit enough for you. You will love this movie. Oh, it's as close to the cinematic adaptation of Maya Mordel as we're ever going to get. Yeah. It really is. It truly deeply and abidingly is. Oh, and what about listeners sent me a link to a guy on IMDB that the only factual error listed in this movie is a really upset Jehovah's Witness that wanted to point out how much Jehovah's Witness shit they got wrong in this fucking movie. That is not how the Jehovah's Witness is.

Yeah, no, it's not a pastor. It's an elder, right? Right. It's not a church. It's temple. They wouldn't have a cross. Everything you said about AIDS and cancer is definitely accurate though. So that's something that I was going to tell. Yeah. Yes, AIDS is a blood disease.

Medically, the vampire movie was perfect. No, I said. All right. So say anything you guys would have nominated this one for being the best of being the worst at. Yeah, I would best worst speaking ability by actors. Okay. Yeah.

It's rough. It's like the whole script. I don't know if this exists, but what's like the reverse of italics? If the whole script was in opposite of italics, that's what they're talking in. Deemphasize every word. I think no one, the character no one takes the crown on there, but everyone is competing for it. Maybe Chad. Chad's pretty good. Okay. You need the opposite of italics where you just completely deadpan

every word that's in that fun. Ooh, yes. So I was gonna go with best worst dribble. Okay, the dialogue in this movie is not the worst dribble that we've ever had to sit through and it is not the best dribble we've ever gotten to sit through but it is the best worst. Yeah.

Okay, collectively we have transcribed more what the fuck lines from this movie that we have from all the other movies we've ever done combined. Our notes for this episode are the script of this movie annotated, but yes. And I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to take the easy one, the easiest, easiest, easy one that ever done easy, the best worst conversation about a God. That's all I'm going to say for now. Yeah. So that's an aspect of the movie that we didn't mention yet.

But yeah, it's vampires and AIDS. Who at every moment during this review, I want you to try to think to yourself, when are they going gonna have a conversation about who does and does not deserve aid? Because it's common. It is common. It's part of this movie. The answer's not what you're thinking either.

Yeah, no, it's, it's, all right. So I'm looking forward to this review, the way that people look forward to the birth of their children. So we're gonna keep the break free, but when we come back, we'll dive into all the monotone teenage love notes that are the last vampire on earth. What work does on earth do in that title? The last vampire.

I'm giddy. Do you remember when that lawyer had to tell Alex Jones that he had a copy of his phone and he kind of fumbled because he was so that's what I am right now. I'm like, anyways, do you remember? Jones that he had a copy of his phone and he kind of fumbled because he was so that's what I am right now. I'm like, anyways, do you remember? So I stir the eggs. Yes. And then add them to the pan right after that.

Hey guys, whatcha doing? Oh, hey, no, he's just teaching me how to cook. Yeah. It's a real pain, let me tell you. Well Eli, if you want to learn how to cook, why don't you just try Hello Fresh? What's Hello Fresh? With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Wow, that does sound good, but how's it going

to teach Eli how to cook? With step-by by step recipes, hello fresh makes cooking a breeze. That's why I know illusions recommended as a product. In fact, I'd put my social security number to the test, which is as followed. Uh, no, no, but dude, what? I'm trying to do the hello fresh ad. Does the ad require that you recite your actual social security number? No, it does. Actually, it's kind of a part of the personal endorsement thing. They say we're not doing enough of a personal endorsement.

So, right. Okay. Anyway, I love Hello Fresh so much that I'll come to your house and make it with you. I would die for Hello Fresh. Hello Fresh is everything. My heart, my soul, the beginning, the end. Where Hello Fresh ends. I start. And when the earth turns to dust, only Hello, fresh will remain. Okay, this can't possibly be the copy. No, no, the dust, only Hello, fresh remain. It's on there. Hello, fresh. I know illusions love you more than my wife.

All right, go. Call this meeting of the dark brother and sisterhood of the shadows to order. First up, I want to introduce our newest dark brother, Shaltheon, dark prince of the Legion Force. That's, that's not my name. Dude, it's your, it's your vampire name. Oh, got italeus, what has now to report bad news, Lee's Lord Gore McCahn, crystallian remains under lock and key. So dark ritual will have to wait until he's free. What? He means Chris is still grounded so we can't hang out in his basement.

Oh, right. Got it. Sorry. I don't don't hiss now. I can hiss. Oh, right, got it. Sorry. Don't, don't hiss now. I can hiss now, Michael. I got it just then. It's mechelius. Mechelius, thank you. Yeah. So one last thing, we've been called on

to enshrine the dark origins of our art. We have a scribe and a manual, and soon, the world shall hear our siren call. I... I, Sandra's mom says we can use her camera to make her move. Nice. Why does she have the best camera anyway? Only fans.

Nice. Dude, I mean, nice. Better. And we're back for the breakdown. And as if to justify my best words right out of the gate, we're going to open up on a little monologue that actually begins with this opening sentence. These are the first spoken words in the movie. Quote, there are all kinds of people and creatures in this world. Yup.

And the writing, can I say it, goes down from there? If you can believe that, yeah. Also, the music, my god, my first note is music note, either open the music box or close it, dude. Yes, Jesus. My music note was, yes, I can believe you wrote this yourself. So, yeah, she goes on with her little opening monologue, which basically boils down to what if the premise of this movie was true, y'all, and there were vampires? Yeah, at one point does she say maybe we should hear vampires side of the story?

Yes. Yep, that she does. She also implies that the vampire hunters are just jealous. Again, interesting take, interesting take. So okay, so that we get, she wraps up her mind like we get our blood cells credits. The music it turns out this shitty music box music has lyrics. The guy starts off going like, I'm ready and I'm like, I'm not, I'm not ready for the lyrics. Yeah, my music note here was teenage Eli is staring at the car window feeling bad for

himself while his mom drives him home from high school. From Ben Folds is funeral where he played for himself at his own funeral. I'm looking at a raindripy window. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Also, the blood cells, it was supposed to be like scary because it's a vampire movie, but they look like Mickey Mouse. They do. They did the animation. So it was supposed to be scary because it's a vampire movie, but they look like Mickey Mouse the way to the end of the mission.

So it's just like, oh, cute. It's also, it's not blood cells. It's like blood cells over the credits, over some other scenes. I'm over other scenes. Yeah. I wrote my notes. It's too many filters, Captain.

The screen can't handle it. I wrote my notes. It's like these credits have a real two editors are fighting the field. Like to the death over an old style editing day. Oh, and the credits by the way, eventually, so we're watching. It's hard to discern, but we're watching a bunch of shots from a college campus. And at one point we scroll by like a bunch of people playing guitar together. We can hear them.

But the music that's playing is still playing. It's the debaust discordant and jarring shit you can imagine. Okay, let me throw this out there for those who watch along, because I know we have some listeners who do some even some listeners who do viewing parties. First of all, this is the perfect movie to do that with. Oh, yeah. Second of all, you can play a game, spot the guitar throughout this movie. There will be a guitar in almost every scene, just like waving through the background. Also, you got a bit, it's kind of funny that you've been fold is playing piano at his own funeral. And then it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, who's just not cool and they're like, oh, I wouldn't want to have sex with her. And then we never see any of those characters or go to that party ever again. Nope. This scene is just, I guess this is their, her establishing shot for high school or whatever.

This is supposed to be a college. It's supposed to be college, but it's middle school talking. Yes. They're all talking like whoever wrote this movie went to middle school, did not go to college or did not do anything at college, doesn't know any words that would fit into conversations at a college.

They know major and they get some, they get some use out of that one, but that's it. Their idea of a dorm room alone is deeply fascinating, deeply fascinating. So yeah, so, so we watched them for a while. We see mysterious vampire guy walk by and they're like, wow, he's so pale. It's like he's a vampire. And then we cut over to two girls. This is Chloe and Mel roommates at this college. And they're like, wow, look at that vampire guy. He's so pale. He might be a vampire, right? Yep. We just get that back to back. Those two. Also, just a little note here, at one point, one girl, they're doing the like small talk

at the beginning of the scene and she says she had a massive test in chemistry. First time I've heard a test described by its size. Yeah. So, so yeah, so the vampire guy walks by and there's this weird little musical, boo-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-leililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililil We in middle school are college. Right. Yes. Very. So weird. So, okay. Now we're going to cut to the strangest English literature class in all of time. This is the best. So the professor is going to tell it. They're going to read Dracula.

And so he starts his little lecture on drag and they don't know anything about Dracula. Clearly nobody involved with this movie ever read Dracula. So he's given this like the Oxford English dictionary defies Dracula as little muscle. Seriously, the entire amount that they know is the word Dracula. Yes. So we watched them vamp that one piece of knowledge basically and he writes Dracula really slowly. Oh, okay. Not everyone was intended to use a whiteboard my friends

You can see he writes the dean. He's like well, that's fucking ridiculous Thank you. I've made a terrible mistake. I'm gonna need a 26 foot Ray Feynman level board To get the rest of drag. So then he starts writing small. He's like too small All right, so it looks like a birthday card made by a troubled and cruel. Fuck now I'm doing set theory like I'm will hunting this. No, none of this. This isn't working.

But the music tries to make it like he is doing math. It's yeah, right. So he's like, okay, so we're going gonna read Dracula and to make the novel more interactive we're gonna do something unconventional and i'm like if he just starts sucking the blood out of one of his students this is a solid open i wrote down you're gonna watch me and my wife so yeah he says and and but he goes we're actually gonna do Dracula as a play in costumes ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha action what And also by the way just quick side note to hear if you've ever read Dracula you know The novel is presented as a series of like diary entries and letters and news articles and shit like that Are they gonna act out writing and

Diary and reading the news that would have been better than what they do Alright fair. He's like all right, so I'm going to sign roles. Pale vampire guy, you get to be Dracula. This is the best. He's like, all right, so who wants to be Dracula? Nobody? Nobody? All right, well fine, just at random then from the class list.

Let's see, random pick. A realist, the pale house of power. You'll be Dracula. The character's name is literally a really yes. Yeah, I didn't make that up. That's the only thing that would have been funny or has been like cool. So I'll just randomly pick names. Me, I'm Dracula. I thought he was going to pick himself. I honestly thought he was going to do that. No, he would be Jonathan. Yeah, obviously. But yes, the character's name of the main vampire is Aralius, and in response, I wrote in my notes, hey guys, this is Anna.

Eli had a severe bullying seizure. He's been taking it to the hospital, where he'll be on a steady drip of making fun of people, too. He can return to the podcast. Oh, it's so good. He looks like Ed Norton got fucked by God, the word. Yes. He looks like vanilla ice cream cone that hates its dad.

So and then we cut so that that ends it. He gives a few more assignments. He's like, and also all the other named characters, you'll play the other major. Also the rest of you motherfuckers will be in it too. Yeah. Who's in the cold open? You're the other character. Right. Fucking Dracula. So, and one of these characters is named Noah. He's going to be playing the main character.

And he's super bummed over the class. So we have this little scene where they're all like bitching about having to do a play in English literature class, which opens on this actor struggle to deliver a line about how he won't be able to deliver lines. That was pretty fucking matter. Yeah. Noah, in a fierce competition, Noah delivers the lines that he is given in this movie, the most like a hostage in an alchid video.

Yes. Right. He has the most Stockholm syndrome. Right. For sure. But his girlfriend is super duper into this, right? Oh, how does she tell us that? Noah, what did she say to indicate that to us?

Well, I feel like this was supposed to be humor, but her delivery made that literally impossible. She's like, who knew that lit class would bring all of my fantasies to fruition? Okay, Noah, a calm down. Will you calm down? We're fucking relax and read the anti-italics that are in the script. You're right. No, I was ignoring that.

It's like the whole script had that thing. Plus, it's all in parentheses somehow. And there's no spaces or punctuation. Oh, God. Her line is, I've always wanted to play a Celestial female vampire who knew that lit class would bring all my fantasies two for us. Okay. If you're moving your lips while you read could be an acting style, this girl has mastered it. All right, so then we get Chloe and Mel. They're meeting after class, also having this same conversation, right? Because we have to have it twice. And there's also a weird

admission here, right? So Mel goes like, wow, that's so weird. That sounds like something that would happen in a drama class, not an English lit class. And I'm like, okay, so this movie does know that that's the thing they could have used. Yeah, that's, that sounds exactly more like drama than lit class. And James Lipton is your insane professor who's going to fuck his wife on stage and make you watch very clearly. Yeah. I did enjoy right the beginning of this stupid little scene though. The music was like, it did new sitcom scene music for like, whoever was in this pit

or music group. They were like, boom, boom, boom, boom, nope. Nope. Oh, that's right. Sorry, vampire. Boom. Scream, boating. Yes. All right. So then we cut to, it's schools over

and Arellius is walking home when he happens upon a bloodmobile or as vampires call it a taco truck. Yeah, he says to the driver, I have a proposition for you. And I wrote in my notes, these definitely gonna be disappointed when nobody's getting their dick sucked in this proposition.

Yes, but he would like to buy some blood from the bloodmobile. How much blood Noah? How much blood would O'Reilly as the vampire like to buy? Oh, you know, I don't five gallons. Five gallons? They have gallons.

Like they measure in gallons there. They take my pints. So yes, you could add a bit to mix them at the end of the day. Yeah. Pouring them into one big jar. This one's all kinds. You figure it out. Yeah. Spin the wheel of types. This is all oops, all a positive. So save that towards the back of the truck. Yeah. To be clear, that would be about 40 standard blood donations. But he's like, yeah, I want five gallons of human blood delivered to my house. I'll pay handsomely for it. And the guys are like, great, I have no follow up questions.

We'll just do that then. Nope. He gives him a down payment for the five gallons of blood too. Yes. And that happened. It's just all of a sudden a lot of cash flies in from a crazy angle from a different time of day. Yeah.

Yeah. Like the cash was a pet bat. He had summoned. Come George Washington. No, somebody's dad was like, you can have one small lot of cash. You get 10 seconds and then I take it right back inside. Yep. Exactly. So, okay. Now it's the next day.

They're at school and it's time for them to start reading their parts in Dracula. Oh my God. And we just, we just watch terrible high school reading. Yep. This is a memory. This is a trauma I had not uncovered until these actors started to speak. Hello, welcome freely and come freely with freeness to my house where I welcome you freely. Yeah, it's bad. Like they're bad at reading cold from the book. Okay. But it's identical to their acting of their lines from a script that they should have been like,

you know, off book on by now. Right, that's the thing is that I don't know if they're going for bad line reading or not. There's no way that we could do. Right, you need double reverse triple italic on levels. They would have to do good acting in this scene to differentiate themselves.

Right, so, all right, so we get a few minutes of that. Don't worry, there will be more. Okay, that would have been amazing if they just did good acting. That would have made the whole movie good. If they did like one minute right here of good acting and never acknowledged. Never again. Right.

Well, yeah, and then the professor could come in afterwards and go, all right, you'll get it. You'll get it. That was terrible, that was terrible. Try to talk more like this. Like and go, man, it's all right, you'll get it. You'll get it. That was terrible. That was terrible. Try to talk more like this. Like a hip, man. So, okay.

So now we're at the library. Arelius is, I call him Ori and my notes because I wasn't going to spell that out every fucking time. So Ori is hanging out brooding and Chloe comes in. She's like, hey, I feel like we're love interests in this movie, I think. And he's like like yeah, probably whatever Goal. Let's rehearse lines. Be as vagina. What?

Yeah, do you want to rehearse and by rehearse? I mean make out and listen to my chemical romance? Yeah, and he's like sure I guess he gives her his phone and he's like put your number in my phone I'll text you my availability and I want it so badly for her to be, hey, why is your home screen a big glass of blood? Is this a pizza? No, it's just not. Oh, does this count as like inviting the vampire in some sense? Oh, I don't know. Like, you put your number in their phone and now are you like partially inviting them

into your life? Certainly into your DM telephone life. Yeah. So. Yeah. And by the way, we should point out like at no point in this movie, will the music ever line up with what's going on? Never. Right. At this point, we have cartoon squirrels creeping up behind them music. Yeah. Right. I wrote down jaws is not enjoying his brother sweating. So, but um, so that we we we cut to Chloe at the doctor. She's getting a blood test.

What's wrong with Chloe? Will that will we ever know? Hey, I'll fill us for the movie. Do you mind if my aunt with terrible Parkinson's place, the blood drawing nurse? Does anyone want to say anything? I'm glad he was like to. Because she's always dreamed of playing in her. Because otherwise we're just going to point a camera at her hands that I want to emphasize cannot stop shaking and say that she's just drawn blood from a patient.

All right. No, I'm actually going to have her draw blood to make it real. No, she can't do that. She has terrible. Obviously, dude, come on. So yeah, so we get that quick scene just at tease and then we get Ori and Chloe go into the coffee shop for a muffin and a coffee, right? And this is the getting to know you what your major scene.

And as far as we know, it's a high school at this moment, so it's insane. But we learn that her major is cultural anthropology and his is hematology. Yes. Which you'd major in biology, maybe an undergrad that wouldn't have hematology department. Really strong hematology department at community college wherever this is.

Absolutely not. Well, and then on top of that, he goes, you know, because I want to cure blood diseases like AIDS and diabetes. Woo, over to, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, you're, I feel like they'd cover that in hematology you want to.

I want. I would pay anything to be able to explain to the author of this movie that those aren't blood diseases. We're talking about, they're in the blood. No, well, all the diseases are in the blood. What? So you're like really sick. You know what?

Never mind. Never mind. All right. So yeah. So they clear up that all of that and he's like, so what other bullet points are in your character bio? And she's like, well, I want to be a missionary and my dad's a pastor. So this totally counts for a game. Christian movie. Yep. Well, she even invites him to go to church.

She's like, do you want to go to church with me? And he's like, sure, why not? And I'm like, is that a real question? Cause I have real answers. Really wanted him to burst into flames. The second he walks in the door credits. Oh, there you go. And he's like, all right, well, I'm, so we didn't mention. So she goes up and she's like, I want to muffin in a coffee. And he's like, I don't well, I'm, so we didn't mention so she goes up and she's like, I want a muffin and a coffee and he's like, I don't want anything because I'm not a vampire. That's for sure. It's a different reason.

I like solid food just not now. I'm not, I don't want it now. Right, yeah. Normally I would. I'll fuck solid food right into later. Yeah. Him. So yeah, so, so they sit down.

She starts to eat her muffin and he's like, well, I'm leaving. And she's like, oh, is the scene over? He's like, yep, bye. It's actually worse than that. He goes, I should go. Are you coming with me? No, right. And she's like, no, we just fucking sat down.

I'm eating my muffin. What are you talking about? It just leaves. It doesn't stick back down to go like, oh, yes, of course, he's just like, okay, well then, goodbye, enjoy your muffin alone. Okay, so in my head, Gannon, he found out that she was Christian and he's like,

well, I gotta go. Anyway, yeah, sure, call me about the church thing or whatever. I'll still have that number later today. Yeah. weren't they supposed to run lines? Wasn't that the whole thing? No, that was the point in later today. Yeah. Wasn't they supposed to run lines? Wasn't that the whole thing? No, that was the boy in the meeting.

Yeah. Be fair, they did run lines for the movie. But they, they, they got some noises out with some spaces to actually, they got better. They did get better. There you go. So okay. So then we cut immediately to Sunday morning at church, right? He's going to go to church with her.

We're going to open this scene on conservatively 90 fucking seconds of a mediocre singer singing badly into an echoey church. You know how white people church sucks because it's just white people like mumble humming a hymn? Well, it turns out that Jehovah's Witnesses have found something worse than that, which is just one white guy mumbling. Yeah, it's like on the cup. It's like, it's like, Acapella karaoke. Yeah. Over him. Right. Shmanna. Fna. Oh, man. Well, and then the fucking podcast editor on me was going nuts because I'm like, oh, you can just set the microphone any damn where you want in the church, I guess. Huh? So you're saying it was like there was a skit that started with like, he, you sing for

a little bit and then we'll start and you guys never start. Yep. Yep. The only way this thing could have made sense is if he finished his song and then someone had said, okay, thank you so much. We'll be posting our dish audition results next year. Yeah. So he finishes up and Chloe's dad goes up to give his big sermon. His sermon, by the way, is live laugh love. It's the puts more words to it than that, but that's the sermon.

It is. I can only imagine the result of someone going, I could do a sermon. Everyone in this crowd, by the way, can we talk about the crowd? Cause everyone in the crowd looks like they're sculpted out of mashed potato. Yes, I feel like sculpted is generous. At one point, the camera guy looks for a good face to zoom in on in this crowd. And you multiple times, he's like, nope. Oh, he almost turns it back around on himself at a certain point. Okay. Oh, she looks nope, goiter. Goiter.

Okay. What about her? Wow. No, that's the still the goiter. It's the same goiter. Shit. There's also their multiple seats away. A fucking phenomenal moment where he's he's trying to do a dramatic pause. This pastor character and he goes I challenge you and I was so hoping you would just be like to a fight. Yes, he's delivering this long stupid speech about the nature of love and all the different words for love and Greek or whatever he's like love is like being honest about what kind of fantasy creature you are. At one point he blubs a line and just starts over like, like we do. Only we're gonna edit it out. Seriously. In Greek they call, sorry, stupid. In Greek they call.

And then, and then, and I couldn't fucking believe believe this I felt like a goddamn crazy person we watch everyone and I do mean everyone slowly file out of the church like they were trying to show off how many people they scrounged up for this crowd shot we're like literally again over a minute of this movie is devoted to us watching people leave this church service. Watching people zipper as they make their way out of fucking watching everybody stand up at the end of the flight and then not for a long time. And they congratulate each other for having sat at the service as they're going out. Is that something people do church?

I when the service that bad. You made it through that 90 second thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. To be fair, if you're a Jehovah's Witness, you should probably end church. We're like, hey, still a Jehovah's Witness. Wow.

Good job. No, fair. Fair. So, okay. So we cut to outside the church, everybody's leaving. This is where Chloe introduces Aurelius to her dad, Melvin. Yeah. And Melvin does not make fun of Aurelius' her dad Melvin. Yeah. And Melvin does not make fun of Aurelius' name, because when your name Melvin, you don't

give other people a shit for your name. And by the way, if you're thinking to yourself, wait, wasn't her roommate named Mel? Isn't that going to be confusing? Yeah. Who gives a shit? I needed one person. This dad would have been perfect to be like, you're a vampire. The moment somebody's like, hi, this is a really,

you're vampire, you're vampire, you are very clearly. You have a book bag. It says five gallons of blood. There's a red cross on it. Why do you label the outside of that? It makes no sense. So yeah, so they start to walk away and then all the kids run up to Chloe and she's like, they're like, you're leading us in youth group tonight.

She's like, I sure am. That's the kind of character I'm playing and they're like, it sure is. And then they run off. Okay. But it's actually I would argue that it is crazier than that. Terribleness because they go, what are we doing in youth group? And she goes, it's a secret. And then they never revisit it.

and youth group and she goes, it's a secret and then they never revisit it. Bear. All right, well, I'll do what I'm pretty sure this movie is pretty sure that it's got a full blown plot. Now, and I don't have the heart to tell it otherwise. So we're going to pause long enough for me to bite my tongue, but we're back in a flash with even more of the last vampire honor. How it's not though. No, it is. It's not. It's clearly not. He turns her into it.

The second to let possibly. And how could it be? You're basically immortal. How are all the rest of them dead? But how would he have survived? It doesn't burn to the stake by pastors. Oh, vampire honor. I feel like he's just a vampire

and none of the other vampires like him. And he thinks he's the only one. Oh, okay, all right. All right, that makes sense. You know that guy hangs out in high school? Like he just goes to high school. Okay, we need to just like put him in, I don't know, like youngstown Ohio

and then all of us just never show up near him. Yeah, we'll all live cool places. He'll live in the Midwest. Yeah, and that's actually where the shot is. Yeah, that's kind of nice. I'm a... Okay, you ready? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just real quick, before we do this, you're sure there's no other way? There's no other way, yes. For the last time, yes, we have to use. Guys, what's going on with this giant cage and this smaller cage within that cage that's full of weasels? Weasels.

Oh, yeah, hey no. Well, you know, with back to school and everything getting so busy, I've been finding it harder and harder to find time to exercise slightly, so heath has me fighting six weasels for 10 minutes once a day. You're going to fight weasels? Six weasels for 10 minutes once a day. No, take it seriously. It's interval stuff.

Yeah, apparently it uses every muscle in the body. Every muscle in the body, exactly. Confusion. Look, Eli, if you're looking to get in a shape on your schedule, why not just try FitBod? What's FitBod? FitBod's smart workout app, scientifically, tailors, and exercise program

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to get tougher as you go. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free. Would you sign up now at fitbot.me slashgam? That's 25% off of your subscription or try it free at fitbot.ME slash Gam, that's 25% off of your subscription or try it free at FitBOD.ME slash Gam. All right. I guess we won't be needing these weasels after all. Um, no, I still want to fight the weasels. Why? They know what they did.

Okay. How will you make it stop at 10 minutes? Aralius, how old are you really? Over 2000 years old, but in all that time, nobody has made me feel like this Chloe. Right, about that. You know I'm 15, right? Yes, but your soul calls to me Chloe,

like no other soul has. Hmm, sure. So you're a pedophile. What? No, no, I'm a teenager too. No, no, you are definitely not a teenager. You're 2000. You just look like a teenager.

You're a millennia's old man and you're in love with a child. That very clearly makes you a pedophile. I'm technically a mehubophile cause you're a teenager. See, only petafiles know the difference between those two things, man. Alright, you know what, Chloe? I was wrong about you. I must return to my lair where I will brood in solitude. Feel like the FBI should check your lair for child porn.

Don't! There it is. Hey, we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Chloe describing that last scene to her roommate. This is the where we get the first shot of their absolutely insane dorm room. Yes, they are cubbies that appear to be filled with side-by-side bunk beds, right? Which is either insane dorm room design or a desperate solution to a vicious, who gets the top bunk beds.

It's too lofty beds. They get some more room activities. Yeah, no, no, it makes sense. That's actually real. I got, that's standard for like the tiny little college room for two people. Yeah, because you get more floor space. Right, right.

No, I was just saying, it's not like they built this dorm for this movie or anything. So yeah, that's clearly. It did, I did feel a little bit like I was in Matt Powell's mom's house. Yeah, for sure. So yeah, so they hang out for a second. There's no point to this scene whatsoever, by the way, just, you know, just like how was church?

Oh, you know, my dad talked about living, laughing, and loving, and she's like, oh, cool. What's the next scene about? She's like, oh, they invited my vampire boyfriend for dinner. And we're like, oh, okay. Yeah, that's nothing. That's not like, it's not like a Mrs. Doubtfire

Ruse has to happen. No, you're fine. Yeah, so now we go to the house for the big meat, the parents dinner, the food in this scene is so amazingly Caucasian. The fucking worst look. It's fried chicken, right? Yeah. I did not know right away that it was fried chicken. I saw mom. Was it fried? I thought it was baked. Yeah. I don't, I don't even think it was Friday. I think that's correct. If something was baked and you see mom scrape and like use weird tools from dad's basement to extract this thing from a thing, drills it free of the oven rack. Yeah.

And yeah, just like a reverse vice that sit you and pops it up and she's like, here, have this clump of food. Yeah. And it lands on the plate and it makes an italic clanky sound. It's crazy. It's what I imagine Noah sees every time I try to get him to eat it in a vegan place. Mama's food by the clump. Yeah, that's, oh, God, it's so gross.

So he shows up and he's got flowers, right? He brought flowers for Chloe and he even brought more flowers for mom. He gives flowers to mom and mom's like, I can't eat these. What the fuck is that? He can't if you try. So okay. And then they sit down for the food. Of course, they have to say grace first, right?

Mm-hmm. Are we going to talk about Chad? Are we going to talk about Chad? Who's Chad? Who's Chad? Chad is the younger brother. The younger brother character. And he is. Are we going to talk about Chad? Are we going to talk about Chad? Who's Chad? Chad is the younger brother. The younger brother character.

And he is. No, I'm obviously kidding. He's my fucking favorite. He's the best. So there's nothing I love more than a fat child. And that means there's nobody I love more than Chad. Yeah. No, he will show up a couple of times in the scene and I'll love him more

every single time. But we start off the dinner scene here with a repeat of the what's your major hematology scene from before. Yeah. And again, I just have to point out that while this is happening, just as we describe this scene, keep in mind that in the foreground, Chad is just fucking housing this chicken steak or whatever it is. Like woodchipper. Like a wound.

Wound. Two bites. Like a dog with something they're not supposed to have. And then we get easily the most bad shit exchange in the entire movie. He's like, well, you know, I want to cure blood diseases like diarrhea or whatever the fuck he thinks that is. And the dad says, oh, well, you see, we're Jehovah's Witnesses. So blood transfusions are this devil. And if we did that, we'd be shunned by the church and Arellius is like That's fucking weird. Why are we talking about it now?

Well, we should just explain that blood is sacred and you can't transfer your blood to another's because that's a loss of the soul Anyway, I'm a vampire and I say this from my heart. What? So yeah, he's like, you know if we accepted accepted a blood transfusion, we would be shunned by our church. And he's like, wow, you participate in that as well. He's like, we sure do. He's like, wow, that's a lot like murder. Isn't he? He's like, yeah, sure, the fuck is. Really? Yeah. They had to write special laws just for us so that it wasn't murder. Jesus. This is how much murder it is. Yeah, I love that this was the best conflict that could come up with the way it's right. It's like, they had to have in their head,

they were like, we got to miss this out fire, this situation somehow, and we have nothing. What did you study? Hematology. And then dad being like, ooh, that's, blood is magical poison. Oh man.

We found it. You just had to say hematology. This is like when the last boyfriend studied birthdays in Halloween. So yeah, so and then of course, mom's like, wow, you don't seem to be eating a much solid food. And he's like, oh, you know, I'm still full from lunch. Oh my God. This is the best. She's like, Hey, or really, I'm still full from lunch. Oh my God, this is the best. She's like, hey, or really?

Your name's a really. I just want to repeat that one more time. You didn't eat your fucking clump. You want salt or pepper to add to the only spices that there are. That'll fix that right up. Seriously, if you shake salt and pepper onto it, now it's just like, pff, sneeze salt and pepper your face. It's not getting onto sticking to any food. No. But the best thing happens here. Yes. The best thing happens.

She's in the middle of being like, do you want salt or pepper? Chad somehow dives into the shot. I was like, I'll eat the clump. Raps it. Yeah. Well, literally the mom is like, Chad and he's like fuck off Debbie. I said Is anybody eating this decorative pumpkin? Wow, the movie tries to do like a aha moment about it, but you can't do an aha moment while fucking Chad is eating a Chad is stealing the movie Chad does everything I want somebody to do in this movie every time he's in the scene

Chad is squatting on the kitchen table in a horse dance Eating his chicken like a baby because of the hard eye contact shooting at the same time. He's shooting it straight out. So Jesus Christ. And just as we're going like, Oh God, that food looks so disgusting. We watch Ori. He's driving away and he has to stop and puke the little bit of chick and he ate out. And I'm like, I get it. I get it, man.

Yeah, gross. But I feel it. Vampires can eat chicken, right? Isn't that the lore that they do eat animals sometimes to get blood? Oh do that. They just don't like it quite as much as human. I don't unclear. I think they can just drink the blood. I need a book I don't know a whole hell of a lot about vampires. I'll admit so he gets home and his bloodmobile guy's there He's got the delivery. Yeah, I really wanted him to slit open a bag and rub some blood on his Good shit.

Yeah, they forget to do that, but we do get him looking in the back of this guy's trunk and being like, yeah, that looks like the good blood. Go ahead and bring it in. It's amazing. He's got these little like, he's got these little coolers like you take to the beach, the three dollar coolers or whatever. And they've got a little first aid symbol on them, right? They've got the red cross, you know, because that's why would you not?

What that there? That's what you put your blood in, cooler, three dollar coolers you get from the grocery store because your family's not ready to spring for a reusable one. Get a Coleman man, fuck. I just, I love the idea that someone involved in this production is like, look, I put a little red plus on it. And they're like, oh, that's perfect.

Yeah, that's where the blood is. So the guy's like, he's like, yeah, just carry it on into the house. The guy picks up the cooler and I'm like, okay, five gallons of blood. That's like 40 fucking pounds. The guy has not even acting like there's something in the cooler, right? No, it makes it. I'll be flips it catches again. I wrote my notes.

Come on, y'all. You know what a gallon of milk looks like. Right. Yes. It brings in a gallon of milk looks like. Right, yes. It brings in a second box later to like sort of make it make it make it. So there's only 20 pounds of peace. Yeah, yeah, that was fun. Yeah, it was fun. Juggling, totally reasonable amount of styrofoam blood containing situation.

Yep. And so the guy is like, he says, let me go get you the rest of the money. And so the blood guy is like looking around his house. And apparently he's seeing creepy shit. I don't know what he's seeing because this movie does not know how photons work. Yeah, no, right. We haven't mentioned the lighting to this point, but constantly characters are just completely in shadow. Whatever it is that they're trying to show you just doesn't even show up on the screen. Yeah. So we're looking around the like blazed out outline of whatever this house is.

Right. Yeah. But he shows back up with the money. And once the guy gets the money, I love too. He's like, so hey, what are you doing with the blood? Now that I'm paid. That's when you ask. Yeah, right.

No, that's fair. And can I just say he had a very prepared non vampire answer. Good for him. Yeah. No, I'm doing a leech experiments leech experiments to check which like Which blood is good for leeches. I guess Like ethnically At what point he's like yeah, let me know if you need anything else that I wanted I was like like com or feces Let me know if you need anything else that I wanted. I was like, like, com or feces.

Yes. Yeah. Truck carries a lot of stuff, man. I'm just saying. Also, by the way, during this exchange, the air conditioner in that house kicks in. And we hear that happen. Yes.

So it's been really bup-boom. Buh-boom. Buh-boom. All right. So then we cut to, oh god, I love this scene so much. We cut to Chloe in the park. She's just reading and being pretty. Okay. No, can we do the line reading of the following two lines? Because they're so crazy, we just have to read them. Okay, okay, you be a really a selfie-close.

Yeah, I'll be a really a- these are word for word the lines in this movie. Yes. Hey, what are you reading? I'm just doing some recreational reading. It's nice to read something that you're not being forced to read for class. Imagine the number of drugs you would have to be on to give that answer to that question. What you're reading there, for fun.

With my arms. What? As she goes further. She's like, he's like, yeah, I think it's good to have an imagination. I too enjoy fantasy that you speak of. And then she just, she's like, sometimes I wish for fantasy. I wish for a world without suffering. I'm strutting my notes. Very different shots. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, no shit. She just launches into a random Miss America mon. I get the middle of this. Yeah.

Again, apropos of the question. What's your reading? Yeah, she never tells us what the best she's reading. Yeah. So, okay, and he's like, hey, do you wanna go for a walk or something? She's like, I would love to go for a walk. Let me go inside and put up my book. And he's like, would you like to change out of those

14 inch heels that you're wearing? She's like, no, this would be great for a walk in the park. I like recreational walking, just like my record. Let's do this. So again, she's wearing these fucking fuck me pumps. This entire scene, they're walking through a garden. And couldn't she like she walks on top of the half garden wall, playfully. They're walking on a dock, taken a hike. Yeah. And this actress is not covered. I don't know what like daytime foreign the afternoon stripper was like, here, where are these? But this actress did not volunteer to wear these ideals. Jesus constantly looking to the camera for a cut. Also, music note to the background here,

Owl City is trapped in a cartoon factory. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha sad. You're so old, Heath. So old. Oh, is that a super topical new movie reference? Band. It's a band and all the youths love it. There you are. Owl City, that's the name of a band. Owl City, yes, he sings. Are they really, really good? Soft. Like he sings like a little lad. Super awesome music. Who doesn't want to wake you with this music? Cool. If there was a genre of music designed not to wake you while you were asleep, it's all sitting. So all right. So but eventually that scene results to them on a dinner date where we're going to get some more exposition. This is where we're going to learn that he's an orphan and doesn't really have a family and comes from Greece. Yeah. No, he doesn't. He's lying. I'm looking at you. You come from hot topic stand.

Yeah, you don't come from Greece. My guy, if you come from any kind of Greece, it's the kind that is trapped at the bottom of a kitchen. Yeah, so, but then he's like, oh, hey, I found some notes about Dracula online that we could use for class. If you'd like to come by my house later and she says, ooh, come by your house. She's like, no, literally, I will give you notes and then I will drive you away from

there and it goes. She goes, really? That's okay. Right. I know that sounds crazy. I printed them out online. That's an actual sentence. He says, I printed them out online.

Now you have to come to a physical location that's different from this one to get the physical paper that I print out from the internet. Even though I knew I was coming to see you when I left my home, yes. Yeah. If you could scan them and email them back to you, I would appreciate it. This is a 2011 movie just to be clear. Go to a UPS store and if you use the facts machine, I'm going to give you my number. Don't do it when someone's on the phone or it'll just be a big loud noise. So, do you have a Palm V?

So, okay, so we cut to his house so she can get the notes and they walk in and she's like, hey, can I use your bathroom? He's like, yeah, just walk into whatever room you want. My house, I'm sure it'll be fine. Let me go to the basement to get those notes. So good. I'm gonna go to my fuck dungeon. I mean basement, normal amount of fucking basement. Right, so she goes to the bathroom and she sees literally a box of blood. She's

like, oh, what's this? Box of blood. You know what? This is none of my business. Okay. And walk right, which means he eats blood business. Okay, and walk right through. Which means he eats blood on the toilet. Yeah, like gross. Just rip it into a pint of blood, like a marathon runner while you shit. I get thirsty, not for blood, but I'm just saying like, you know,

you can get thirsty in that moment. You keep it in the cabinet. You close the Styrofoam container. It's fine. Also, does he have a hand dryer in his apartment? Oh, didn't. Where did I go? I saw her use a hand dryer and I was like, what the fuck is happening? Yes. This is very clearly like a dorm bathroom. That's a gross. But like who installs one in their apartment? So yeah, also like she's in the bathroom. He's

like, Chloe, you can't cause Someone when they're in the fucking bathroom She just opened the door yeah, what up she's in the middle of a shit Chloe Chloe My best I miss you. Everything okay there. I miss you too, man. So I'm gonna push my hand through the doors so we can all hit.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. So yeah, so she comes out and he's like, here I gave you notes and she's like, oh, these are just theories on vampires. He's like, yeah, what are the odds of that? And she's like, one, because you gave them to me, he's like, right, whatever.

And you said that before. And she says, these look interesting. She hasn't, she has no time to like read them. So she's just like, I like the, I like the rectangle paper you. I saw it. It's all white with all these words, right? Many.

Would you do normal margins? Looks like normal margins. Nice. What are times when I look at printouts for me and then I think, woo! Not for me, but these ones. And what? Spice is a hammer mill.

So. Can I go for it? Can I go finish my shot? Can I go finish my show? No, I'll try to take this video. Oh, babe, do you want to do one of the half ones where you pinched it off? You still got something? I have to pinch one off.

This is the humor that really does it for you. She's a pants rod, her ankles are so tight, she's just waddling back. Babe, I can't walk very well. You know when you can't walk very well? Because you didn't finish. So I wipe her in front to back like a human being. So okay, so we cut to her, reading up on vampires that night on her laptop, and then as she's doing it, she starts flashing back. She's like, hey, wait a minute.

It's like he's hinting about some. And she flashes back to a bunch of scenes from earlier in the movie. Of course, we're used to that as Christian movie veterans, but she flashes back to like one line from every single scene in order. Yeah. Also, they didn't have the doodly do effect. So they went with a raindrop on the screen. Yes.

Yes. Oh, it was fucking hilarious. So yeah, so she puts it all together. The next day, we see Ari leaving the building and she comes up and she's like, I have to talk to you. I'm in a snit. He's, oh, yeah. Okay. He's like, we all have talk to you. I'm in a snit. He's oh, yeah. Okay. He's like, we all have normal sunglasses to fit us. Cool. Let's walk over here.

Everybody looks like Audrey Hepburn, the vampire all of a sudden. Yeah. It's insane. So they, they take exactly two steps to the right. Like they're still shoulder to shoulder with the people he was talking to and begin their private conversation. Yeah, they begin the, so are you a vampire or what conversation? Yeah, and she says, in this order with no emphasis, you have pale skin and cooler's blood in your hands. As though those were equal evidence for vampirism. I feel like you lead with the cooler's blood.

Sorry, if I'm way off base here, I feel real, that you cracked me if I'm wrong. Are you fucking clearly a vampire, you're a vampire? Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I'm a vampire. What? Obviously I'm a fucking vampire. Just look at me.

I'm a fucking vampire. So, and she's like, why would you tell me? And again, I have to give you the actual fucking quote because of how insane it is. She says, why me? I'm just a girl going on about her life, trying to make the world a better place. This is insane.

To which he says, stop. Look at me. I want you to know because you are just a girl trying to make the world a better place. This dialogue is so torture. Dick Cheney wouldn't sanction it. My God, it's, uh, it's an hour and a half of that. Yeah. At one point, she says, I don't judge you because

you're a vampire. It makes me admire you more. And now you're even hotter, really. Also, can we talk about him saying the word me because it's the word. He has to not, he says, he says it like, mah, every time. Like you invited me into your house and you have me over for the meh for chicken and with meh, it was so rough. And he said it at the like three or four times in every sentence for a good minute here. He says the word me like Nova Canes just kicking in every time he starts the word. And this is also, so this conversation is where we learn that he's 2,048 years old.

Yeah. He's been keeping track. And he saw Jesus a couple of times. He was all right. Yeah. He's a power of two, I feel like that's a lie. So she's like, yeah, he's a power of two. I feel like that's a lie So she's like yeah, did you see Jesus? He's like yeah, I heard him speak a couple of times He was a great man. I'm like what are the fucking eyes?

Seriously, he said that he's like yeah, I saw Jesus a couple of times at like a small venue Yeah, before it sold, this is before the tours and the whole Jesus and meh. We were really good friends. We were really cool. It's so funny. Like I remember talking to a mefter show once it was so down to earth, so cool.

So. And then, okay, then we cut to her having an AIDS attack. Mm-hmm. Right? So she's in the bathroom, Pukin, and then we see her at the ER and the Dodgers, like, yeah, it looks like that cocktail of AIDS drugs we gave you is not going to work out. We're going to have to try a different cocktail of AIDS drugs. Yeah. This is the point I wrote

in my notes. Evaporism turns out to be the cure for AIDS. I'm ending the podcast because we've peaked. So, you know, spoiler alert, 367 episodes. Yeah, I'm gonna have to stop here. I got excited this moment because I was like, okay, so vampire is the cure for AIDS or AIDS is the cure for vampires. Yeah. Either way, this movie's doing one of those fucking things. I'm sure of it. Cause one possible outcome of this movie was for him to drink her blood and be like,

Oh, no, no, I'm just a boy again. You've cured me. That's why you don't do blood transfusions. J does. Doot doot doot doot. Wow. So, yeah, the doctorly she prays for a miraculous undead hematologist. And then we cut to like her and Ori hanging out with her roommates sometime later and they're like, hey, where were you the other day?

And she's like, it wasn't AIDS. That's what it wasn't. I was sick, which was unplanned. Like sickness is my normally sufficient immune system. It didn't work this one time, but it's normally very sufficient. The system of immunity that I have. Yeah. So the roommate gets up and she's like, you know what? I got to go, I don't even know why the fuck I would be in this scene. And they're all like, right? And she leaves.

And then he's like, hey, was it really not AIDS? And she's like, yeah, totally not AIDS. It's a different thing, different thing that I have. Yeah, he says to her, I can't get sick so I could take care of you. I wanted her to be like, actually, I think this might be one of the ones you can get. Because it's like, right up your alley. You know what I'm saying? Right in your wheelhouse.

It's chicken pox. You vomited from a chicken. I feel like it's susceptible to stuff. Sick. So, okay. So, that night they're laying on the ground looking up into the stars. He's telling her stories about the different constellations. He actually says that constellation right there. It's actually upside down in the sky, which is what the

fuck is up? You're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's good. We fixed it. We fixed it. Or we could wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's good. We fixed it. We fixed it. Or we could wait. No, no, no, no, no, the earth is upside down. Fuck. What? Wait. Yeah, he says at one point, he says, I know all the constellations. I was like, oh, that's what you were doing for 2000. Right. And by the way, we're, I can't emphasize enough that the soundtrack at this point is a guy with a castio trying to fuck with me while I'm on shrooms. Right. It is the weirdest crazy bullshit you can imagine.

I feel like the guy who got in trouble for doing the sitcom new scene thing was kind of like in a snit and like a couple different times. He just held one organ note for a long ass time. And it didn't make any sense. And he was like, fuck you. Look at me. Gotcha. Fuck you.

Don't make one more peep. So good. So yeah. And so he tells her about constellations. And then she delivers this gem of a fucking line. She says, and I quote, wow, you've been alive for the discovering of every major event in human kind. What? Did she, like, how young is the earth creationism in fucking Joho's witnesses?

Is it 2000 years? About maybe. No. How long have they been speaking English in Joe's right? Yeah, yeah, yikes. Right. And he's like, yeah, you know, the dark ages are to awesome as you would think though. I mean, there was nights, but there were no dragons. And she's like still though still.

Yeah, she says there was nothing you could do. And I'm like, well, we don't know that he might have, you know, vampire super power. Well, he has super speed. We're going to see that later. Yeah. Yes, super fun facts too, which is fun. No, right, right. He has super speed. We're going to see that later. Yeah. Yeah. Super fun facts too, which is fun. No, right, right.

Because of the 2000, a lot of like 2000 years. So I know like three or four constellations that a lot of right now. Really. Quite a few. Why is a vampire going to college right now? For hematology. You want to learn hematology.

Yeah. What's the cure aids? Okay. It's 2011. You're kind of a dick. If you were like big into age, and you spent like the 80s Ed's Okay, it's it's 2011. You're kind of a dick. If you were like big into age and you spent like the 80s and 90s not doing shit and we know that he did.

He sat there around in the 80s and he was like, sorry, I'm just like really into disco right now. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, it's a machine that does the drumming for you. Go. like 40 years, duh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, bu So we're gonna give ourselves a quick break before that happens, but first let me be acting the hard sell Will Chloe and Arrelius's love endure numeral forever? We're the eyes in this movie script dotted with little hearts do the subtitles have emojis Fight out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the blathering conclusion of the last vampire

on earth Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henry. And I'm no illusions reminding you that if you enjoy our shows, you can, in fact, give us money for them so we won't die. That's right Noah. Not dying is one of the four important pillars that keeps our podcasts here at Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC afloat, and there's no better way to keep us from dying than money over at patreon.com forward slash god awful

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So if you enjoy our podcasts and our live-ness, consider pledging as little as a dollar a show today. hatred.com slash God awful because ghosts can't make a podcast. Ooh, or can they? No, no, they can't. Spokedacular. It's August. Ooh, or can they? No. No, they can't. Spoketacular.

It's August. Jesus, dude. Oh, tech. Oh, or really? How amazing it must have been to see what you've seen. Not always, Chloe. I've seen a lot of the darkness of history, and it haunts me. Oh, or really?

You can't blame yourself. After all, there was nothing you could do. Oh, I mean, there was stuff I could do. I'm a vampire. I have like super shranks and super speed. Maybe some other powers too. It's actually not super clear. But yeah, definitely could have done stuff.

But you just, you just didn't? That's right. And that was very hard for me. Because you were doing like... Empire worst stuff for the fate of the Earth? Nope, nope. I was just mostly hanging around high schools, Britain, you know, drinking blood. Hey, Aralias.

Yes, Glowy. Are you the fucking worst? Oh yeah yeah big time And we're back for still more of this shit We're gonna rejoin the action with the first read through in the lit class play So that's right. We're gonna listen to this cast read more. Oh my god wall They get heckled by their teacher spending the whole thing being like, come on, naked spicy. Spicy.

Don't make me bring my wife out of here again. And he's reading like an erotic passage, right? This is like, this is the part that got Dracula banned for years where the girl like gets on her knees in front of him and slowly lowers her neck. And this kid is like, she sunk to her days next to me and her white God, oh my God, I'll show you with my wife I Want my fucking ringtone to just be this guy trying to say the word ecstasy. It was

Well, it was ecstasy actually ecstatic Yeah, so yeah, so they read for a little bit and then the fucking professor is like all right Let's skip ahead to the part where Ori bites Chloe This right is the blocking on the neck biting This my dick is soft It's fucking nothing. There's nothing happening down there. I'm numb like I'm at the fucking dentist So Noah get the fuck out of here children bite each other in front of me I'm an English teacher until you hit plus 20 degrees you all get a fucking affid English

Leap We're gonna watch my penis. You're gonna do the bite scene or you all fail Jesus Christ. I'm in a negative fucking 90 right now. It's an any right now. It's an any. Noah, you made it an any. All right, so then we wrap up that scene. He bites her very well.

And now the two of them are on a porch somewhere. And he's asking if she's sure that she doesn't have a. Right. Yeah, the makeup in the scene. They went for bags under the eyes, but ended up at Victorian ghost. Yeah, I had Halloween skeleton, but yeah, Prada bags, it's aggressive. She looks like she's going to a party as a methodicted recoup. It's so open to the top. I also like that they clearly put this

guy who sucks. He's the worst. There's no way this actor is not universally hated by the entire crew. It's impossible. It's basically impossible. Or really, his real name might be a realist. I don't know. I didn't check. But he insists that people call him a realist for sure on the set. Every fucking hates him. And the crew was like, oh, we got a great spot for this scene. We're going to do it right at the corner of this really tall deck. You'll be sitting on like just the ledge, like, the ledge. You'll be fine.

We'll have somebody down there to make sure you get caught or whatever. Catch you if you, if you fall. Yeah, exactly. I couldn't, I couldn't watch this scene because the whole time I was just like, oh, he's not losing balance. Oh, no, no, he's fine. He's fine. All of these notes are just like him chanting fall, fall, fall.

Yeah. So that scene ends, we get her sometime later in her dorm. She gets a call from her dad. Her dad says, hey, could you invite Aurelia so for for dinner again? And she's like, sure. And then we watch her call him and invite him to dinner And I'm like, wow that scene exists because this writer could not think of something as simple as adding oh Hey, by the way my dad wanted to invite you over for dinner to that last useless fucking scene on the porch

Also, they couldn't get him to fall and the crew is like, right? Yes, he's in the same spot. Exact same spot. Yes. So timeline wise, it appears as though she walked off the porch and was like, hello, dad, what's that? Let me call him. Hello, really? Yes, remember me? I was standing next to you 27 seconds ago.

Look behind you really quick. So yeah, but he's down for dinner with the family. He's a sure, yeah, that'll work. And then he calls this blood guy. He needs five more gallons of blood. So, okay, then we cut immediately to the dinner with the family again. And dad's like, so, Chloe, how are the eights?

I'm sorry, we're not talking about that in front of your boyfriend. How are the schmays? Yeah, luckily, Aurelius appears to be completely uninterested in what she's talking about. So he's like, that was weird. So the weather, huh? Yeah.

So the weather's great for playing football. What everybody like to play football after dinner has totally different than playing baseball with vampires, completely different thing. And Chad is like, couldn't I eat it? Can I have my mouth? I wanted Chad to look at him and be like, yes, I would like to toss a football. That sounds great. So, yes.

So, it really is goes to the bathroom to vomit out all the food that he just ate. Apparently, Chloe heard him vomiting so she came into the bathroom to join him. Well, we know there are a couple that interrupt each other mid-ships. Well, that's actually yet. Now that I get here in my know, it's it makes perfect. So do you want me to hold your bangs while you puke? Sorry, they're really heavy. You get help. So yeah, she's like, oh, I forgot that you were a vampire and probably can't eat human food and just then Chad walks but because you know how this kid could probably sneak up on you.

Okay, but that's the thing. They're trying to do a Chad is sneaking by the makes him Chad is like me trying to climb the Roman steps. So he's like, oh god, I gotta take a shit. Fuck you guys are in here. I got a turtle head poking out of you guys almost. What are you talking about? I'm not gonna be able to make it up the exercise stairs. I need to use it. I got a turtle head poking out of you guys almost what are you talking about? I'm gonna be able to make it up the exercise stairs. I need to use it. I need to use it

When you guys are talking about whatever you're talking about I dropped it all I just Sips that on her lap it takes to shoot through He's eating a big soup Yeah, we scared it towards food jokes once again The key here though is that the little brother over here's the oh you're a vampire can eat food line That'll come back later. It's very important sir She's in the bathroom holding his bangs back while he vomits chicken because he's a vampire. And clearly he is behind her. I have to shit hurry up. And she's like, hey, since nobody's behind me,

that's definitely not what's happening. You're a vampire. I just wanted to say it out loud. And he's like, my interesting, no, but seriously, I got a shit. I'm just telling you, after I shit, is that from the airport? Yes. And then, okay, so, and of course, as you've probably noticed right now, this is twilight, right, the whole fucking movie. So now they want to do the scene where the vampires play baseball, but, but there's no superpowers in it. Yeah. Right. So ori just goes out and throws the bowl, pig skin around with Melvin and Chad for a minute.

You literally watch them be like, okay, I throw the ball to you. You throw the ball to Chad. Chad throws the ball to me. I throw the ball to Chad. Chad throws the ball to you. That's all the combination. Yeah, the real. The male's from the nation. Take off. Seriously, they they decided they clearly stole from Twilight and then at some point they're like what's another great film for no mosh, cinematically, the room by Tommy Wiseau and they have the worst fucking football scene ever. Worst of that.

They're trying to like throw the football, you know, four times and they're like, oh, so what do we stand like? Three to four feet apart? Yes. And then throw the footballs to each other? Ow. At first I didn't think these people knew how to throw a football

because they're not putting a spiral on it all. And then I see where they're at and I'm like, well, yeah, because you couldn't put a spiral on it. That girl, you would hurt someone. You did. So yeah, so they couldn't put a spiral on it. That girl, you would hurt someone. So yeah, so they throw the football around for fucking times. And then the scene is over, right? He's got to leave Arillius and Chloe have a nice romantic hug.

And Chad's like, you can't stay forever. Get the fuck out of there. This is black in my shit. I got a roll of cookie dough in the oven. Get the fuck out of here. And my music, no, here, by the way, was so garage band This is black in my shit. I got a roll of cookie dough in the oven. Get the fuck out of here. So. And my music, no here, by the way, was so garage band that cars park on the dance floor when they play the clubs, you know, and it's also so discordant and random. The mood of the song and the mood of the movie are just bipolar at all fucking times. Yeah.

All right, so this might be my favorite scene in the whole fucking movie. This is fucking insane. This is the most amazing thing. A really just goes home and he takes a bag of blood out and he's going to make himself a big glass of blood. This is the blood like Canadian milk. Yeah, yeah, exactly. This is sad little bit. Right. I was hoping we would just do a Capri sun style at this point. That's what I was hoping. Yeah. a Capri Sun style at this point, but obviously that's the move. So stupid. But instead he cuts this eity, bitty little tiny hole in it. And we watch for like a minute and a half as he tries to fill this tiny, this glass with this tiny little trickle of blood. I timed it, I timed it because it's so fucking long. The blood filling starts at 52 minutes

and 47 seconds and it ends at 53 minutes and 36 seconds. So over exactly 50 seconds. Okay. For context, podcast listener, if we put 50 seconds of silence in this podcast, show you how eternal that is, iTunes would literally bounce the episode. Sure would. You're not allowed to have that much silence in your box Seriously Eli went crazy while watching this his notes his exact notes are I feel like you should have a bigger hole This is taking a while This is taking like a while Taking a while

Glasses like a wonderful dude Jesus That is my notes exactly in order. At one point, I hit the back 30 seconds, what just to see, because I was gonna do the timing thing before I realized Eli had, and it was still him boring, because this is more than 30 seconds long.

It was so long that it stopped being funny, and then looped back around to being funny a second time. Peter Griffin got kicked by an oompa lumpa during the scene. It was long. At one point, he adjusts his hands to like try to make it go faster, but it doesn't. No, he's just like, nope. Nope. I guess that's where we're at.

All right. The whole time, of course, I have to picture vampire Eli and vampire Heath arguing over the proper temperature to drink your blood. Right? I'm sure. Obviously, vampire Heath would be saying 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeah. Vampire Eli would be saying some other number like something wrong. Yeah.

23 degrees. Yeah. I'm confused by selfie. So I've got a block of ice between my teeth. Also, just question, what glassware is appropriate for a glass of blood in your opinion? Flintstone's tumbler. Flint's, oh, like a sippy cup that in your opinion. Uh, Flintstone's Tumblr. Flintstone's, oh, like a sippy cup that pops back up. Oh, I know.

That'll work. Yeah, because he went by, he went with high ball glass, which I thought was an interesting joke. I thought that was inappropriate. He also didn't fill it. No. No. No.

50 seconds in, we get like three quarters of a cup of blood. And he's like, that's gotta be enough. Yeah. Also, use a straw. I feel like it's a straw cup of blood. And he's like, that's gotta be enough, yeah. Also, use a straw. I feel like it's a straw drink. Definitely a straw drink. You're a vampire, you suck it. Yeah, that makes more sense.

And of course, he finishes up his blood and the movie asks, so what would a vampire do with his spare time now? Ping pong masturbation. Playing pong by myself. Super speed ping pong masturbation playing by myself super speed ping pong right because they they figured out how to do like play the tape back fast shit so we want you playing ping point against himself except like he softballed himself on all these shots like what is the point?

You have nearly infinite speed hit the ball hard. He also you're making a movie so you can do whatever fuck you want. But he's hitting these shitty shots. It's so boring. And it goes on almost as long as the pouring scene does. It's so look, but okay, my favorite part, he actually loses at the end to himself. Yes, I get that yes, you would lose yourself, but in the saddest fashion, he's just hitting these little soft shots. And the final thing before they fade out, they could have faded out before this. We watch him like, it's a tiny little shot and be like, oh, yeah. And then it's done. Wanted him to walk over to the board and like scratch out

22 and put up 23 as the new record. And then be like, you have to win right to know you don't. Yes, you do. Running back and forth. And then okay, and we cut to that night. Chloe notices that she's getting some scary looking AIDS bruises. Yeah, she calls her doctor. She's like, Doc, I'm bruising like Eli sack up in here.

Should I like be a vampire, you think? Or just come down to the office, do medicine at the, okay. Okay. What did you say? So, yes. So the next scene is her at the doctor who tells her that she has AIDS cancer. Very sad. And he's like, he's like, yes, you have a, this is a kind of cancer that comes with AIDS.

It's not life threatening, but you know, it is AIDS cancer. Like those are two sucky words. So not awesome. It's not a great sign. Right. Yeah. They're not going to turn into wings. There's got, there's so much unnecessary dialogue here about this.

Like he goes on for so fucking long. She's like, you know, I've been really tired. He's like, I've been getting enough sleep. I'm like, that's why they pay him the big bucks right there. Guys. So. And he also just moves straight past that. He's like, have you been getting enough sleep?

Don't even answer that. Yeah. You need more rest. Also, I've been like, we should, are we talking over in intercom? Cause that's what it's sound. Can you even hear me? Cause it sounds like we're both in the New York City subway yelling at each other from different cars.

Yeah. Also, she's at one point, he's like, yeah, you got to get more rest. And she's like, yeah, but you know, my schoolwork and the doctor has this sort of like, I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but school is more of a long term goal. And I don't think you need what? Those. Yeah, right. I'm done talking right I'm done talking it's nice that you're going to it's not really necessary you know people usually say like what do you

want to be when you grow up yeah you need to worry about one of the bonuses thank you yeah okay so then that night Chad comes into Todd to his parents. He needs to tattle on Chloe for dating a vampire. And I'll tell you what, for me to feel sorry for a kid delivering a line, it would have to be in a proof of life. This poor god damn kid, he didn't want to be here. He didn't know what he was signing up for. He's not good at this. And they give him like four and a half minutes of leading to Aurelius is a vampire, right? Yeah. And in chess defense, he had a hot fresh lasagna just absolutely getting ruined while he tries to shoot this piece.

He's very distracted. Yeah, he goes, yeah, now I overheard him the other night and, um, uh, Aurelia said he was a vampire. And the mom's like, don't be silly, honey, they're doing a play where he's a vampire. He's like, nope, nope, real vampire. She said, you're a real vampire. And dad says, no, no, no, our daughter's boyfriend might be a vampire, honey. Let's look into it. Yes. Yeah, he's like, well, you know what? We should probably flash this out. I'm a J.Dub.

I believe all kind of dumb shit. So this is not new. He actually, he goes, this is outrageous. He walks out. Yes, because he's got a plan. Here's his plan. He calls Chloe first and he's like, hey, Chloe, don't go anywhere.

This isn't related to vampires. Just don't go anywhere. I'll tell related to vampires. Just don't go anywhere. I'll tell you later why. And then he calls up a guy named Gary and he's like, Gary, I got a vampire situation. Yes. Gary van Helsing apparently. Yeah.

A vampire guy. Gary, it happened again. His exact fucking words in the scene are he calls. Gary is like, Gary, meet me at the church. I have a situation. Yeah. What kind of situation man? Just add to amazing. I know Gary you told me when you're spraying for ads You should spray for vampires to and I didn't listen to it. I didn't listen to it. It's on me. So okay, so so dad shows up at her dorm room, right? And he and he goes for the direct approach. He's like, hey is your boyfriend a vampire? So okay, so dad shows up at her dorm room, right?

And he goes for the direct approach. He's like, hey, is your boyfriend a vampire? And she's like, about that. He's like, yeah, that's actually the answer now. That's a great question. I'm so glad we live in a nation where people can ask those questions. Yeah.

But he's a little too slow for me though. She's like, dad, what the hell? What? What? What did you say? What laser post? And he's like, okay, that wasn't clear. Yes. I'm going to ask you again. Yes. Is he a vampire? Because it really does determine our next move a lot. Whether he is or is not a literal vampire. I'm just going to throw this out there so you know where I met. I have cold Gary. Right.

Well, okay. And so let's be clear. She does not answer. He says, no answer is enough of an answer for me. And he storms out. That will be enough for him to now kidnap Arillius and light his ass on fire. Yes. So I just want to be clear about who dad is as a person.

So she's like, now Chloe, look, if he's a vampire, we must murder him in the name of Jesus our Lord. And she's like, oh, well, then he's not a vampire. He goes, yeah, I see, I don't believe you now. I already texted Gary. Do it. Hey, dad, does the Bible say we have to kill vampires? Yep, feel like it does.

Sure does. I already started writing the ticket. We have to burn. So he leaves Chloe calls. She's like, she leaves a voicemail for, for Ari about how her dad is, is apparently a vampire on her now. Yeah. So okay. So she goes a vampire on her now. So, okay, so she goes home and gets her gun.

Okay, now I wanna say, I did not, I wasn't paying attention or I missed, I missed that she had, she gets her gun. So later on in the movie when she produces a gun, I wept with laughter for eight minutes because I thought it came apropos of nothing. I rewatch, she does get her gun, but if you get a chance to watch this movie and not pay attention during these 10 seconds, so you don't know she has a gun until later. I highly recommend it. Come on, though, like 19 year old white religious girl in the United States. She's got a gun. Her dad gave her a gun a year ago at the latest. Yeah. Well, and also it would be really easy not to pay attention to this, because most of it

is her walking around a dark yard with a shot that's too tight to see where she is and lighting that doesn't give up any hints of it either. Sure. That was tricky. What you could see though, her sun-sized boots of white yarn. Yeah. Just ins, what, how is that footwear? They look like ug boots fucked an Aaron sweater and a son of yarn.

I don't know what any of that means. Was that a boot in 2011, maybe? I have no, who the hell even knows from my mind? Yeah, like somehow like the 14 inch heels that she wore hiking were not her worst footwear in this movie. I like the 14 inch heels, not her, but people who wear a heel like that and can fucking kill it, that's impressive. When you see like the crazy good dancer

in the crazy high heels, very impressive. That it is, Heath. That it is. Anything else that you like at when women wear? I like everything that Queen B does just, you know, big Queen B. Yeah. Or Bay. Do people say Bay or B when they say, I think it's Queen B. Are you referring to the singer who I must be on the news? Yeah, we're not close enough with Beyonce to just be calling her name.

I'm in the behind as a podcast. Are you all right? You. So, okay. So yes, she checks around her house. The family's not there. She checks around the church. They're not there. She's like, oh, they must be at the vampire burning spot in the woods. Yup. The vampire fire pit.

Because like, A, it's not even evening yet. Right? Like it's still the middle of the day. He found this information out this afternoon and acted on it. Right? They got a vampire burn and posse together real quick. He texted Gary and he was like, Hey, get a lynch mob together real quick. Gary like 20 minutes later was like, all set, where are we meeting you at the vampire burning pit apparently? Because again, she finds them.

Yeah, they have a there's a vampire phone tree. That's the only thing that makes sense. Yeah. And they meet at the spot, like, you know, the high school party in the woods, the spot where the keg goes right for sure. And they have enough wood to put up a little pire for him and everything, you know, mm-hmm. Yeah, they just had that laying around. Also, he's a vampire with fucking super speed. And they just like caught him real easy. Yeah. Hide him up. Ready to go. Right. Gary. A guy, your name can't be Gary and be a vampire hunter. You need to have a different cooler name.

So, so yeah, so dad gives his vampire burning speech. He's been practicing. He's got one at the ready, you know, they, they brought Chad along. Yeah. Well, that chat is there for the vampire bird. It's just like very, very tenderly hiding a bag of marshmallows behind his back. I'm just saying we can accomplish a couple of things at once tonight. The speech before they, they're just like tonight, there's a guy giving a vampire speech that was ready. And he's like, yep, we're gathered here with our Lynch mob that formed 20 minutes ago to burn a child at this stake. And he's like, yep, cool. And the point he's making is like, yeah, this guy's a vampire, but even more importantly,

technically, that involves blood transfusions. So that's actually evil. This guy feels the need to clarify why he personally is slaying this vampire. Right. A lot of reasons to kill vampires out there. They murder people to survive. They're creatures of Satan. But for me, this has a personal twist.

Hit it, boys. Three, two, one. And then Chloe comes out and nowhere with her gun. Wave in the gun around. She goes, stop her all shoot, right? And she has to give this whole like, you know, he's not a bad vampire. He's just misunderstood. Yeah. I have AIDS and he's going to cure. Well, he's going to college to study the unrelated. There's really no reason to believe he's got a better chance

at it than the average hematology. He's a freshman, he's a hematology major. Is that really a major? Yeah, it's, he's thinking about it. Biology, there is one class, he hasn't taken it yet. He's had 2000 years to practice, hey, have you cured any diseases? He's not cured any.

This will be a first for him, but I really believe in him. Yeah. And also, while she's doing this, she has her finger tucked behind the trigger of this gun, very clearly, which leads me to believe that they used a real gun for this. No question they used a real gun. this. No question they used to real. And she's just pointing it right at the fucking camera. Yeah, these cuts are short for a reason. He's like, okay, good. That was great.

That was great. Well, I didn't finish my speech. Oh, no, I felt you. You came up. I'm a pause. Ring in, Alex Baldwin for his lines. Cool. Oh, there's also this great moment where somebody starts to move

and she shoots him in the arm and she's like, I'm not playing around. He's Oh, there's also this great moment where somebody starts to move and she shoots him in the arm and she's like, I'm not playing around. He's like, I was scratching my ass, lady. And then it never gets addressed again. She's like, bam. Anyways, I think his car goes and again, never again, never comes back to it. No one mentions it. She just shoots a man and that is part of the movie. Yep. Yep. She says, now on time and they're like, well, I didn't know you're gonna fucking shoot people. So they on time and the two of them escape together. There's an ominous thunder clap.

It's incredibly sunny out, by the way, but there's an ominous thunder clap nonetheless. Chad stand over the guy that got shot. So it'll be a waste of meat, right? If that arm's gonna have to go any more. You gonna finish your arm? Am I gonna finish my arm? Chad, she just got me in the shoulder, right? If that arm's gonna have to go. You gonna finish your arm? Am I gonna finish my arm? Chad, she just got me in the shoulder.

Right. You're not allowed to do blunt hair fizziness. Just give me your arm. So, all right, so that we go back to his place and she's like, are we safe here? He's like, yeah, don't worry, I have ADT. So, you know, and got a ring doorbell. So we're gonna be good. And she's like, how did you get tied to a post? Don't you have superpowers and he's like, yeah,

I mean, your dad surprised me. But you have super speed though, right? So once you were surprised, that didn't, well, you know what, let's just shut the fuck up about that right now. But the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program is. So yeah, so she lays down on his, and his lap and he's like, come on, lie down.

You need to rest and she's like, that's what I'm, what? And then so he gets up and, and let's relate down on the couch. Oh, he goes at this point, he's like, why didn't you tell me before like in that porch scene that you had aides and she's like, well, I didn't want you to think less of me. Why? Why would he do that? Chloe. Cause he's the? I don't know. Chloe. Because he's the fucking worst, I guess.

Yeah. Question. Where did she get the AIDS? That's a great question. Did they address it in the movie? Clearly she's not sexually active because this is a Christian movie. No. This is the most insane bug in story. She was doing missionary work in Africa.

You know, those people are just staying there loaded with the AIDS. Yikes. Yeah. Literally when she said the word Africa, I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's in Africa and there's an attack because it's Africa, right? So there's an African attack. Well, she said this orphanage and she's helping this bloody orphan, but she's bloody too. And the orphan blood gets in her blood. Like, you know the end of the first Hulk movie.

It was like that. That's right. I got Hulk. So. And his response, by the way, when she says that, is he goes, go. You don't deserve this. Like, right. And she says, well, you know, most of the Africans with AIDS don't deserve it either.

Most, which ones did deserve? Why'd you write me a list real quick, Chloe? I feel like Chloe has a handy list of the Africans she thinks they have. All the countries that deserve the aid they have. Africa. Okay, what's next? That's a country. Let's name some more. And so the rest of the scene is going to be the should I turn you into a vampire scene from Twilight, except unlike Twilight where it was, do you want to be a vampire or a teenage girl?

It's, do you want to be a vampire or do you want to paint? Please die of it. Right, right. And, well, and there's no conflict with her. She's like, hey, so Dina AIDS sucks. Could you turn me into a vampire and cure that? And he's like, yes, I could. And she's like, great, will you?

He's like, mm, I don't know. You sure? I don't believe this. I mean, immortality is kind of a bummer. I mean, I just, like, especially in retrospect, because like you pointed out, I didn't stop the Holocaust, I didn't do shit, I didn't learn the mythology. AIDS was a big problem for a while before now.

So it's kind of like a lot of guilty stuff. And she's like, no, yep, cure me AIDS now, please, regardless of what you just said. And then he just says no. And she goes to sleep. Okay, she also, he's like, I don't know. She's like, oh, by the way, I should have added one more thing. I'm cool with being a vampire forever in mortality, whatever.

As long as we're together forever, the two of us in love, for sure. Yes. And then you might as well be like, oh, not in to labels. So you're being hysterical. I just thought we could have like a school play, you know, like, go in the day and we fuck, and then it's like, oh, it's too bad it doesn't work out. But if you live forever and I live in heaven.

It's so. This thing, huh. Have you read the ethical slut? It's really had a conversation. You're a wristman. Alright, and then the next scene in the, she goes to sleep, he talks her in, and the next scene is them at the fucking play. Keep in mind, her dad and the vampire hunters are still out to get them, but they're

not gonna ruin their fucking play over that, okay? To be fair, based on the quality of this play, I guarantee you the vampire hunters were like, hey, we could just go get them at the play and they were like, I don't want to. I don't know, shit, that's- We'd have to stay for the entire- Get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight, get in tight the movie saying happened did mom and dad and the vampire hunter team just like drop it. The movie is has completely forgotten that they exist as people. Yeah. Were they like, oh no, he metologist. Okay.

Okay. I think we all learned something when she shot that guy right? Boy is my face red. So yeah. And so they're all getting ready for the play in the back and like one girl is like, we're super nervous and then Noah delivers this amazing line where he basically says well, it's okay We can't fail because literally nobody cares about the outcome of this. We're literally just acting out our English teachers sexual fantasy You see him out there guys like a towel wreck. He's a lot. We all get an A he said 20 degrees. That's an ad we're fun

That's how a lip class is measured in dick angle during a play. We're set question. Why are they all barefoot in the play? I didn't know that question. Yes, they're not wearing shoes. I think it is because they're on a little bit of a stage thing. I think they originally shot this scene and the wooden stage made too much creaking with their shoes. So they all had to take their shoes. Probably right. Yeah. Or the yarn boots were just like crazy carpet socks, shocking every.

All right. All right. Right. A lot of possibilities here. Or that's just what this lit professor is into. He's an ankle man. But what ends up happening here is we end up watching like a worse and lower budget version of this movie contained within this movie. This is actually pretty funny. She might as well come out and give

like bad acting advice to the actors the way Hamlet gives advice to the actors in the play. Now, movie arms around a whole bunch. So, so yeah, so they're getting ready for the big biting scene and she's asking him, she's like, are you sure you're not going to turn me into a arms around a whole bunch. So, so yeah, so they're getting ready for the big fighting scene and she's asking him, she's like, are you sure you're not going to turn me into a vampire? Because it really seems like going to turn me into a vampire that seems like the whole plot of the fucking movie. If you don't want to turn me into a vampire, that's fine. I just want you to tell me why you don't want to turn you into a vampire. They're having the fight and no, I don't know if you'll relate to this. They're having the

fight where you're like, you kind of start to have a fight in the car and you're like, hey, we got to go do this thing. Let's not talk about this. And then she's just like, Hey, so just real quick, if you just want to do that, not anything that I want, there's a microphone in front of all of us. And you're like, this is just the fight whispered. This is just a whispered version of the fight. So, so they go out on stage and he's going to bite her and think it's like, he's like, are you sure you're ready to be in a vampire on stage? Right? So I wrote my notes at this point, guys, I think him biting her and turning her into a vampire on the stage is a metaphor for him biting her and turning her into a vampire. I think that's it. This movie was going more Because vampires are kind of like vampires, you know?

You think about it. And that's it. It's over. It ends. Any inviting or in the middle of the fucking play. So that's at least where they ran on a money. Yep. So I'm dieting curiosity on this one.

Anybody have a theory as to what the moral of this story was? This is the never shake Chad's chicken. Come between Chad's chicken. Deserve AIDS. Yeah, some people don't deserve their AIDS. There's a list of people who deserve AIDS inside the mind of the author of this movie. Yeah, that's a pretty important moral ultimately. All right, well, I guess that's

going to do a prior review of the last vampire on earth, but that's not going to do it for the episode of just yet because we still need to fall back into this well next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, to heal my broken heart for the lack of heathleten as he sets off on his vacation, we'll be watching a sexist, sack second shit that highly, highly has been requested. At long last, we'll be watching the Princess Cut. Oh, good, Missatchini. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna make episode 367 to a merciful clothes.

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You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this, show it, be sure to check out our siblings' shows to the Skating Aide Ascitation Aided D&D Minus and the Skeptocrat of Illware, a podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, check them out on www.moobecgm.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, if this is a P.N. retours, Tim Ruppshund handles on social media, or a theme site that's written in a performance by Ryan Slot and people from people from the J.F. Sun Mars,

all of the music was written and performed by our audience and your Morgan Cargainwise who's the commissioner. Thanks, can't forget, I'm Diz Atchegger, life this week for Heathen, right, and Eli Bostic, I'm Noelie Jones, promising to work hard to earn another check next week, until then.

We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Chloe got saved from AIDS by becoming a vampire and then died of cancer, a month later. Ha ha ha ha. AIDS by becoming a vampire. And then died of cancer, a month later. The third act of that play went on to be ruined. Jehovah's Witnesses would go on to be way less open-minded about their gay kids than they are about vampires. Yeah. I love hello fresh so much that I'll come to your house and make it with you. I would.

Sorry. All right, here I go. I'm a professional. I can do this. Is this a real ad that we're doing for them? No, I know. Okay, good. I checked as well. He's I rolled over and checked. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2022. All right, reserved. over and check. The proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle Nathana thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.