God Awful Movies - 368: Princess Cut

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

This week, Amy Lynn Stewart joins us for a godless review of Princess Cut, the story of a twenty-something woman, the dad who apparently owns her, the man who he's gonna give her to, and all pitfalls of feminine autonomy. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And then Dr. Ruth is just like what you need is some dick what you're gonna need is a long hard brustin penis seems like you need some cock to me you feel like you want some cock you have any cock and you consider some fucking cock She's just eating a big sloppy meatballs slug while she says it. Don't like you need to get fucked. You know there's no God, right? They're like just, they just turn right off and we die. Nothing but the dark. God awful.

Movie. Movie. Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Welcome back to the Gamecast for each week. We sample another selection from Christian cinema. Are you mother fuckers would riot? I'm your host, Noah Luzon's. Heath's gonna be unable to join us but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I loved this. No way. And he's gonna hate this shit out of this is a great week for him to be alive. And in his place we're excited to welcome in this week's guest maskest actress and comedian Amy Lynn Stewart Amy welcome to got off on movies.

Hi guys, thanks for having me. I'm very excited. Are you really though? A lot of times people say that. It's embarrassing how excited I am to be talking. That was my thing. All right, so tell us, what will we be breaking down today? Okay, so we are breaking down Princess Cut, which is an extremely bizarre movie about... It's like propaganda about the dangerous thing and hugging before marriage

So your dad is always going to be involved in your romantic relationships. You should you should never Kiss anyone really even after day even after you're married. Yes, just to be on the safe side Yeah, even after you have married. Yes, really. Just to be on the safe side, yeah. Even after you have children, yeah. Oh yeah, and women shouldn't go to college. No, no point in that. And they should marry older men. Just pull cookies out of ovens. Yeah. That their dads choose for them. Yes, that's the main, I mean, the overarching theme is that the dad chooses the daughter's husband for her and she must absolutely be a virgin. Yes. When she's married.

And rely on man wisdom is the moral of this story. Always, always, they know best. Daddy knows best. Yeah. Antilai, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the family dynamics of incest porn, but you want the plotting of a page by page children's book, you will love this movie. It was so okay. So like to give the audience an idea of the kind of bad we're dealing with.

So the production quality was, I'd say hallmark movie level. Yeah. Totally. But so they knew where the lights went, they knew how the camera worked, that kind of shit. We've seen, like, unlike last week, they knew how a camera worked. The acting was at medium budget horror movie level, right? Sure. Yeah.

Not terrible, but not good by any stretch of the imagination, but the writing, the writing in this movie was fucking twilight fanfiction level. I feel like that's, that's even right too far. We look bad. Okay, so bad twilight fate, like low level twilight. Yeah, like this 50 shades of grace. Written by a middle schooler.

The writer didn't even seem to know how movies worked. Like, what was the general purpose of them? Nobody was good at their job, but compared to the writing, everything else was good. written by a middle schooler. The writer didn't even seem to know how movies worked. Like what was the general purpose of them? Nobody was good at their job, but compared to the writing, everything else was pure fucking gold. It's like, you remember how when missionaries first came to Papa New Guinea and they gave people the Bible and then they fucked off

and they came back and they were burning witches and they had to be like, oh, I'm sorry, it was just a matter of, we just wanted you to give us 10% of your income. Yeah, right. I feel like that's, this is the cinematic screenwriting for the band. Is that someone gave I kiss dating goodbye

to like an alien and then it came back with this screenplay and we were like, fuck, they got laid. We don't want to get independent, let's just make this movie on the top of love. Oh, is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? dependent state. Let's just make this movie on the towel. All right, so is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to nominate it for worst best at how to what is it being the best at being the worst at yes, symbolism and pacing. Okay, sure.

But the soybean symbolize how love grows over time. And the and the wild horses picture above her bed and then the strategically placed whip hanging on the No, no, really. I missed that one. And then the pacing, I mean, the pacing. Yeah. It's like clawing your eyes out by the end. I can't even, I'm speed. It's like, oh, I can't, I'm trying to feel traumatized. I feel trauma, actually, from the pacing. It's as though they rolled dice and they were like, okay, that's how many minutes this scene gets and then they rolled the dice again They're like, oh well the big love scene. I don't need it's two minutes So they just all the time spent in the movie on whatever it is is arbitrary

I feel like none of them knew their lines and so they're like, okay, okay, okay? Here's the line say the line And then they say it and then that a next person's like, okay, here's my line. Okay, I'm saying my line. The whole movie. The whole movie was based like a Goddamn traffic jam, right? There was never any momentum. The movie would just stop dead and you'd be going like,

okay, what's the conflict now? And they'd be like, hold on, hold on, we gotta wait for the car in front of us to move. There's nothing. Honestly, if there was a a dead motorcycle is at the end of this movie I'd be like oh okay that's what everything's looking at okay okay so I was gonna go and we've seen a lot of these but I'm still gonna go here best worst evil psychiatrist certainly the fastest evil psychiatrist. Certainly the fastest. She just shows up for one scene and steals the whole fucking movie and my heart and my

heart. I just I love her so fucking much we'll get there. She's she's worth the wait though. She is worth the wait. Yes. Yeah, she's important. I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst villain resolution. I'm a spoiler for you.

One of the villains of this movie is literally escorted out of the movie politely. Yes. I think you should go and they do. Yes, both of the villains, yeah. All right, well, too, nothing happens in this movie, but it's a lot of nothing. So we're gonna pause to warm ourselves up to the task,

but we'll be back when a flash with all the technically a plot that is Princess Cuts. No, a word from our sponsor better help. See, I can't get the recording light to turn off. Yeah. Have you tried yelling at it or like punching it? Not sure how that's gonna fix the soundboard. Oh, oh, have you picked it up and slammed it back down on the desk?

No. Hey, Noah, apropos of nothing. Have you ever considered therapy? Therapy for what? For problem solving. It can be tough to train your brain to stay in problem solving mode when faced with a challenge in life. But when you learn how to find your own solutions,

there's no better feeling. But therapists can help you become a better problem solver, making it easier to accomplish your goals, no matter how big or small. Wow. I thought therapy was just for when you were like super sad or something really bad happened to you. Not at all. There would be a great way to take care of your brain, just like any other doctors visit. I go to therapy regularly, no matter how I'm feeling, which is why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorsed going to therapy for a variety of mental health reasons. And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, better help is a great option.

It's convenient, accessible, affordable, and entirely online. Get matched with a therapist after filling out a brief survey and switch therapists anytime you need to. Nice. Where do I sign up? When you want to be a better problem-solver, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today. Get 10% off your first month.

That's better, aglp.com slash awful. Nice. Now, can you help me with the sound board? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Did you trip punching it? See, that's what I said Wow All right, everyone welcome to the first rider's room meeting for princess cut

Now before we get started let me just go around and introduce everybody first up Y'all remember Fred he suffered a traumatic brain injury during the hallmark movie marathon last year. Puk, pumpkin. That's right, buddy. Punkins. Next up, Rachel McGauvin. She's 14 years old and her parents told her about purity too early. So now she just sort of wanders around the middle school, exuding hormones and mental illness. I burned my toilet books for Jesus.

Sure did. And last but not least, this is a button that has the words never mind on it. Anytime there's a conflict introduced in the movie for more than what would make grandma comfortable as she falls into a sleep she's brazing means death, we're gonna just go ahead and slap that bad boy to keep her from changing the channel. Any questions? Puck, puckins. Yeah Fred, we can put some pumpkins in the movie. I Explore a lot.

We're back for the breakdown and we're gonna. Forgo all the logo shit that we normally get at least in the copy that we found on 2B. And we're gonna go straight into some dude digging. Yeah nobody wanted to take credit for this movie. We can't time to put the logos up front. Everyone was like, you know what? We just let the art speak for it. some dude digging. Yeah, nobody wanted to take credit for this movie. Yeah, that's a great time to put the logos up front. And everyone was like,

you know what, we're just at the art speak for itself. And I can tell you what, this is this guy's first experience with a shovel. I do believe. Ah. Also, I mean, have you noticed that he's digging a very shallow hole, whatever it is? I mean, the hole is like six inches deep.

How is that going to work? Yeah, you know, when every Barry is going to come up in the first big rain, yes. Yeah, exactly. I wrote in my notes, this was supposed to be very dramatic and not the best metal detector find ever. Right. Because the thing he's burying is a big ass engagement ring. Right.

And you, it starts out like for, I feel like the top of the movie is the best part of the movie, the first 10 seconds of the movie is the best part. Because you're like, ooh, it's a mystery. Someone's been murdered, something's gonna happen. And then it's like, no, dude,

with a clearly brand new wardrobe is bearing a ring. Yes. Like a wedding ring. That's it. The least interesting thing a guy could possibly be burying in the middle of the night in the forest. Yes. All right.

So, and then we cut from there, we cut to a lady. She is looking at, she's at a jewelry store, she's looking at engagement rings hoping that one day she'll get one of these, right? And again, the pacing in this movie is so bad, right? From the get go. Right. She's supposed to be like, oh, maybe someday, but they don't know how to pace a scene. So Nathan Fielders stunt double who will be the romantic lead for the first half of the movie walks over and he's like, would you like to see this?

And she's like, no, the scene is over now. And he's like, the scene can't possibly be over. Nothing happened. Notice how she strategically kneeling down at the start. We, we go, yeah, kneeling down, kneeling before the man, right? Right. Yeah. So, and then her friend comes in, her friend, this is the man, right? Right. Yeah. So, and then her friend comes in, her friend,

this is her friend Tassa, and Tassa's like, hey Grace, we've got to go this scene is over, and she's like, see, I told you this scene was over. And I wrote my notes, I wrote, wow, this is our 368th movie, and our 367th lead female character named Grace. How's that? Oh, sorry, sorry, half of them have been faith, haven't they? Never mind. 367th lead female character named Grace. How's that? Or sorry, sorry, half of them have been faith. Haven't they never met?

We've gotten faith. Great and faith. So yes, so Grace and her friend Tess are leaving the jewelry store together. And it sounds like they're in a tunnel. That no, yes. I'm like they're in a tunnel when they're walking to the car.

Oh, it's so they have no idea how to capture audio outdoors. I can hear at one point I'm not making this shit up. The radio of one of the cars. Try. Sure can. But yes, so in their effort to try to, you know, fail the back deltas as quickly as possible. They're like, so tell me about your boyfriend.

Do you think he's going to propose tonight? She says, I do think he's going to propose tonight. I was like, I bet he doesn't propose tonight. Yeah. She lets us know that it's been 15 whole months. And Amy, in case you're confused, that's 44 years of dating and Christian time. So that's definitely proposal a clock. And then they do the highly choreographed silent, hand gesture, call me.

And then they get into their cars at the exact same time. And all I could think was how long did it take them to get that right? It was like, okay, friends it. Okay, this is our friends shot. Oh my god, it's so stupid. It's like you guys could just get in cars like normal humans, right? Oh yeah, I'm sure we will be able to do that.

Yeah. So, and so she's just driving home and just when you're thinking to yourself, well, at least this doesn't have a chinsy ass voiceover. In cuts the chinsy ass voiceover. This is the only time we will ever hear it. And all it says to us is my mom and dad sure do love country living. Country living. Yeah.

My notes literally saying, I sure do love the country. Herka Durka Durka. And then the perfectly time she pulls up and there's the classic curve on the porch waiting for her to wave and he's wearing the overalls and the flannels. And it's like, there's a Uncle Bob. You want to go sit on his lap? Yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Because they're like, oh, people wave to each other and know each other. There's a, if you're from a small town, which I am, that's the guy who won't stop talking to you about 9-11, once you hit your breathing from the only Mexican restaurant. So Grace goes home to her parents. She comes to do it. Like do we meet her mom first and she comes in. She's like, Mom, you wouldn't believe what I saw in the last scene. She's like, the movie's called Princess Cut. Was that a princess cut diamond? She's like, to act surprised. God damn it. Fine. Yeah. Hey, Noah, that princess cut is that ever, ever fucking going to come back? She will not even express a preference for it.

People might that the first scene, as Amy hinted, is a guy burying a ring of all the things that they had to keep track of when they opened that shitty box. They needed it to be a princess cut diamond. But nope, nope, that is gone, gone from the film. Completely. Oh my God, you're right. Completely gone, except for when she does her choreographed princess cut, bite into the cookie of which we will see many more.

And then right after to die for it. And it was like, no, no, no. What's happening? What's happening? And they're the pacing. Yeah. Oh, let's talk about the mother who enters with the laundry basket under her arm because she's the mom and she's always, she carries the laundry basket into the kitchen

and then puts the laundry basket with strategically placed clothes over it, just in case she didn't realize it was a laundry basket. Yes. And then puts it on the counter of the kitchen. It's like, who brings their laundry into the kitchen? Nobody does that. Yep. We will never see this character without her being doing something like some cliche mom thing, right? She's cautious. She's always but baking a cookie wearing an apron, cleaning something, folding some laundry.

Yeah. Let me, let me give you this math that I did, all right? She has 16 lines in the movie. She pulls out of the oven four batches of cookies. She pulls out a batch of cookies for every four lines. She speaks in the full. I can't believe you tracked that. I think because I was like, this is a lot of fucking cookies. I can't believe you tracked also that she only had 16 lines.

Yeah, no, I was, because I was like, is this woman, because I thought to myself, I was like, maybe they were trying to make her an under five, they were like, we're gonna pay a fucking sag after it. Just go pull out some more cookies, you featured extra, but no, she's an over five. Oh, yeah, well, I mean, the, well, and we'll see later the reason she doesn't speak is because she is not allowed to speak. Right. Oh yeah, well, I mean, well, and we'll see later the reason she doesn't speak is because she is not allowed to speak. Right.

No, unless spoken to. Also, can we talk about the lighting of the mom throughout this movie? Yeah. You immediately see she's backlit in this very weird way. And it's like, was this accidental? And they just didn't know what to do with the lighting. Like the sunlight's coming from behind, or is it like it like oh you have this angelic quality the Madonna. I think they purposely did that. Yes, I think you're right. Yeah, if faces of meth did a baking soda series of posters,

this would be mom. And I want to point out if you're if you're a regular listener, the main character in this one, Grace is the same chick that played Abby and unplanned. So we've seen her in a couple of them before. I did my research that seems like that was a very well-known popular movie that she did. Yes, it was. Oh, yeah. People loved that one. Produced by the My Pillow Guy. And I didn't know about that one. I'm gonna have to listen to that episode. Also, my question from the very beginning,

and I will continue to ask this question, is how old is the daughter? Yes, great question. Right? How old is she? I think she's supposed to be in her early 20s, which is pretty discordant with the way that dad treats her. But they never say that, right?

You never say she's in her early 20s, correct? No, only in their promotional material. She has a project for school, which at one point is a poster. Yes. Which I feel like a college student doesn't have. I feel like she must be like maybe at a community college or she's like a senior in high school

who's going taking community colleges classes, you know? I think she's supposed to be like college aged, but she's not in college because she lives at home. She said, yeah, maybe a community. So she's she's going, yeah, yes. And her dad treats her like she's 15. Maybe there's a prequel with a head injury that makes a lot of her behavior. There you go. Makes sense.

So mom's like, Hey, go get your brother and your dad. So she jumps on the fucking four wheeler and literally goes out to the amber waves of grain to fetch your dad and her brother. The man knew four wheeler. I want to point out like he was not as bad. They didn't impeccably brand new four wheeler. So somebody got to write that off on their taxes as long as they used it in the movie I feel like that's why it was such a nice one. Yeah, and by so dad to me looked like if you tried to make jerky out of Pete Buttigieg He was that's that's dad we've seen him and he was in war room. He was in courageous

He's been a part of the show for a very long time. Oh, okay. I have him as Pastor Ted Haggardy, who Pastor Ted Haggardy masturbates, too. Wait, I just have to point out very quickly when he says, Grace, just look at this land. And then he proceeds to turn his back to the camera and gesture behind him from the land. Yes. Okay. I'm moving. I'm done. That's it.

Yes. No, and of course, it's so clumsily put in there. He's just, look at this land that's been in our family for three generations. And, you know, it's like, oh, why would you bring that up? Oh, you know, it's important to the plot later. But okay. So now we, we come back to the house. Mom's getting everybody ready for dinner. This is where we meet the little brother. This is Drew.

He'll be my favorite character in the movie. Yes. Oh my god. I do like the little brother. At this point, the country like hallmarkiness of this movie was so sickly sweet. I just wrote my notes. Can't I just watch Merle Haggard fuck a pickup truck for 90 minutes? Instead of something that Brasos Brouts are you out of please? Brasos Brouts, yeah, first world problem kid. Also, I should have said best worst inexplicable close-ups on nothing. Literally like cut to this bizarre, quivering mashed potatoes. It's really just like glue maybe. That's like a big bowl of glue for the mashed potatoes.

It's like, why am I being forced to look at this? What's happening? It's not even appetizing looking. No, it's like this movie was edited by somebody playing immortality. Sorry, I'm speaking to like eight listeners there, but anyways. But they loved that shit. Yeah, I bet they did. I bet they did.

Okay, so but Grace isn't going to eat dinner with the family. She's got a big date with Stuart, right? Stuart. And so, and then the phone rings. And this is one of the most amazing, this movie was written by a 72 year old moments of the movie because apparently the person who wrote this movie is aware that families just have cell phones instead of landlines now, but they think that that's just a cell phone that's like a house cell phone that sits where the house phone

used to go or something, right? Cause the phone race, the kids like, I sell phone. Yes, just sitting in the kitchen, the kids like, I'll get it and you run somebody answers the fucking phone and that's the phone. Like later on, she will have her own cell phone, right? In this fucking movie, this 2015 fucking movie, but they have to have the moment with a little brother gets answers the phone

and won't give it to her or whatever. Yeah, they make several attempts at like sivling rivalry between these two characters, except neither of them can act. So instead of it being like good natured, he'll be like, should be like, Drew, give me the phone. And then there's an insanely violent silence

between them. And then the scene just moves on. Also, wait, I have to point out is nobody going to talk about the bizarrely brightly lit windows in the dining room. It's like they have floodlights on in the outside of the dining room, but it's supposed to be night. Yet this bizarre bright light is coming through. This more lighting. I should have said best worse lighting. Yeah. No, it made a lot.

There were a lot of choices for that, uh, for that answer. So okay. So but the phone call she's getting is from Stuart. He's not going to pick her up. He wants her to just meet her him at the diner. And now up to this point, she's been like, Oh, mom, help me pick out the best outfit for my, for my big date. They're going to a fucking diner. So she's getting dressed up for like huddle house. She's been like, oh, mom, help me pick out the best outfit for my, for my big date.

They're going to a fucking diner. So she's getting dressed up for like, huddle house. I guess. Yeah. So, okay. So we cut to the big date at the fucking five guys or whatever that they're having. And wouldn't you know it? Stewart isn't even there by himself.

He's brought a bunch of friends. Yeah, his college friends, all of whom are, I'm going to go ahead and say tentatively 90? Well, physically 90, mentally eight, right? There will be a burping contest that happens amongst these friends at one point. A burping contest. Right, but wait, we're clear that she only is going to be marrying older men. Well, that's true.

So it is sense that they're older. Well, in this case, they'd be senior citizens. Yes. But the friends immediately roll their eyes when they see her. I think that's to establish like their heathens on a man. Right. We don't know why they're rolling their eyes. They look down on her because she's not in college with them.

Maybe I don't. It's entirely unclear what's happening. She seems to think she is going to be going on a romantic date with her boyfriend who is about to propose to her. They seem to think they're having a college meetup with their friends they go to school to. And the two actors will not acknowledge the other one's reality at all. It's like a Myzner exercise. I'm happy to get in the middle of the fucking movie.

Well, right. And they overdo it so badly, right? Any one of these seven things they gave us would have been enough to be like, oh, well, Stuart's just not the right guy for her, right? And that's all we need from this scene. But no, he like brings his friends along. And he doesn't even sit with her. He like sticks somebody in between him and her. And then he announces that he's engaged to a different chick. Yeah, which is a really baffling thing considering he called her and told her to meet him there. Like, hey, I think the best way to break this to you would be in person in front of all my friends is a surprise. Oh, you know what? I think I don't think they were ever dating.

I don't think he ever thought they were dating They never kiss. Oh, that's true. How the fuck would he know they're dating? You're right You're right. She's like a friend. You're right like she thought she won't even hug before marriage My learn as we learn later She just thinks she's like a friend. She's showing up like being a total nut job. Also, it's like, is she thinks that he's her boyfriend? Wouldn't she want to meet his friends and act like a normal human being? And get in on the burping contest with him exactly, exactly.

Yeah. And also like the diner setting. And they're not drinking, they're not smoking, they're not doing anything. And she's literally actinger setting. And they're not drinking. They're not smoking. They're not doing anything. And she's literally acting like they're at a strip club like she's doing heroin. Right. She's acting physically revolted by their presence.

Yes. Clearly. All right. So she storms back. She storms out. She goes back home. She's all sad. And Drew, the little brother, is waiting to like ambush her with a nerf gun or something when she gets home. He's all sad. And Drew, the little brother is waiting like ambush her with a

nerf gun or something when she gets home. He doesn't, right? He's just going to over here. The big conversation she has with mom and dad about what a jackass Stewart is. Okay, but this otherwise dramatic scene is entirely ruined because they're like, I don't know, mom. Will there ever be the right boy for me and in the meanwhile Drew is doing fucking dive roll. So gross. Red bravo seven red bravo. They're like we want it to be like real life something needs to be happening in the background Drew run around.

Right. There's this great moment where dad's like you know he she's like oh everything went wrong and Stuart stewards marrying somebody else And the dad goes, well, it sounds like the Lord kept you from a big disaster And I'm like, you know, this is not the time to talk about how much God is nailing it, bro. Okay So can we talk about what the mother says? Oh, please. I mean we all wrote we all made notes about this, right? Okay, can I just read this is exactly what this person says to her daughter? See if you can detect when she has a stroke. Yeah, okay here. You are our listeners. See if you can decipher what it is. She means here. Perhaps you can write in and let us know.

My mom I used to say hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it's a tree of life. What? What the fuck? It doesn't exist. What the fuck are you saying? And then I literally went and looked it up. It's Proverbs 13, 12.

And I did say, of course, only the King James is the one with that translation. What does that tell you? I won't go there. The rest, it basically says, hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Right. That would be somewhat normal way to say it. Right.

It's that at least like makes sense internally, even if it's not. Chromatically. Yes, not. Gromatically. Yes, right. Gromatically. I think she just didn't know the lines again, back to the pacing. Yeah. I think she didn't know the line. Right.

And I think they were just like, fuck it, dude. Just, just, who gives a fuck? Nobody knows. Just keep rolling. Nobody's gonna know that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, parenting? Mom is like, well, I know you're terribly upset, and you feel like your life is ruined.

Let's all go play part cheesy or something. And she's like, all right, fine. Yeah, she's like, okay. It's like she's on a tourist. Right. Basically. So they literally go to play life, a board game all about getting married,

where the winner is the person that dies first Jesus of all the games that you could play what was the little what was the one in the mall about dating that they had back in the 80s Maybe that would be yeah, but Jesus Christ. How do you know that? I don't even know what you're talking about You missed out. I don't know that you know that see that I you may not know this. Did we talk about the fact that I was raised in a Christian cult? No. Oh, yes. That's why I was so fucking excited to talk about this movie. Yeah. Also, I moved to North Carolina when I was in seventh grade. I have so much.

Oh wow. Deep seated like front. Yeah, because this movie takes place. I have knowledge about this. Yeah. East Bend to North Carolina, yeah. Yep. So I wouldn't know that game because it's probably a heathen game.

It's probably like a fan game. I use absolutely a heathen game. Yeah. So it's about a heathen game. It is a heathen game. I use absolutely a heathen game. Yeah. So it's about having boyfriends and shit. Yeah. So, okay. Absolutely not. So they go to play, they're playing life mom brought cookies. This is more. Second time. Second batch of cookies. You can't at home. Oh, I say I wrote my nose. So like the symbols of maternity get keep getting more conspicuous eventually this woman's just going to be a breast wearing an apron. You know, but sagging very saggy breasts. That's me. Yeah.

And lit from behind. The halo light. Yes. So and so she's like plan life and she's like, oh, she lands on the spot. So like, oh, you know, I get married and have twins or whatever. And then Drew, the little brother's like, all you girls ever think about is getting married and having kids and only, dude, it's, she's reading from the fucking board. Okay.

That's based on the board says Drew's really unclear about the rule of the game of life. And then the middle brother, apropos of nothing says nothing says dad do you believe in soulmates and dads like what? I just asked the whole plot of the movie So I'll tell you son. I sure do in fact, I believe that soulmates Maybe there's a mix up and heaven sometimes and your soulmate ends up being your dog But the the getting young getting married young propaganda with the little brother and he's like, I don't want to get married and the dad's like, oh, remind me of that in a decade, okay? And they all laugh.

Right. He'll be 18 and a decade. He's not going to get married in a decade, you psychopath. But they're, they're, they're two. But the hope not, yeah, right. Yeah. Jesus. Also, I have to say, I have to say it.

She gets twin sons are born and she collects presents because the movie is about the fact that her only function in life is to breed. Yes. And she's been bred to reproduce by her breeder, who is her father. And they're looking for the right sire, right? It's the whole thing whole thing. Yep. The oh it's all like you're supposed to have children He's the one plant in the soybean stemman to have you ended So okay, so in the next thing we get we get dad. He's in the study He's reading books about how to be a good Christian husband And mom says oh, you know, I thought you could use a break. Why don't you read this

fucking East Bend shopper that just came in the mail today? I thought you could use a break. Read different things. Read coupons, right? Like, like, reclassified ads. To which he replies. And let me just, let's just talk about how different our words are. He replies, just leave it on the desk. I would not talk to my secretary like that. And the only reason I would talk to my wife like that is I wanted a swift and painful suicide. I had decided I was done in this body. Just leave it on the desk. He might as well tip her. Yeah. So yeah, so she leaves, he starts reading the sales paper and he sees something that gets drew in trouble.

Apparently, Drew has taken out an ad in the fucking Boonville shopper or whatever, that is trying to find a husband for grace, right? It says, I have a girl that makes great mac and cheese somebody come gather, right? And again, because this movie doesn't know anything about pacing or plot, the doorbell rings and we are instantly going to have a montage about that joke. They just introduced. Yes. And look, this is the, like the easiest setup in the history of comedy, right? This is the easiest possible. And now just a bunch of, you know, unacceptable guys

have to show up. It would be so easy to knock this down. They have the only funny person in all of Christianity, Tori Martin, in this montage. Is that the red-haired guy? Yes, that's the red-haired guy, yep. I'm sad in my notes. He's the best thing in the whole movie.

Red-haired guy. Oh, yeah. We've seen him in like three or four movies and he is always way too good for whatever dumbass Christian movie. He's in. It's really sad. It's really sad. Also, like the suitors definitely thought this was a real movie. They thought that this was like their break into Hollywood. Oh yeah, for sure. Well, except for a Martin because he's been burned before. But yeah, we get this montage of unsuitable suitors and it's fucking incredible because, you know, according to Christian patriarchy, all you need to be to be an acceptable

suiter is Christian, right? So this movie can't do any bad version of man. It's just like, I'm a guy wearing sunglasses. I have hands. I'm wearing mittens in the summer. Like it's not only is it not comedy beats. It feels like these beats were generated by a random word. Yes, right.

Right. We made a buy watch a thousand hours of romcoms or whatever. Yeah. So, oh, and now we're going to cut to Brooke. And you might be thinking to yourself, well, who the fuck is Brooke? Noah, you've forgotten to introduce us to this character? No, I haven't. We have never met Brooke.

We will not see Brooke again until act goddamn three when she will suddenly be the lot of the fucking movie. But we see we cut to brook this blonde chick and she's like, I'm looking for information on a guy named Clint and we're like, well, we haven't met a guy named Clint. Have we? And we're like, well, we've met a couple guys.

They haven't been named yet. I guess maybe we say, I know haven't met a guy named Clint have we and we're like well we've met a couple guys they haven't been named yet I guess maybe was maybe one of the most Clint was this movie shot in perfect order what the fuck is happening but I had a I wrote my nose I was like I think she's looking for the doctor guy from early and it turned out I was correct so I was actually pretty proud of myself for. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. Yeah. What this seat was about. Also, I would like again, back to the symbolism. Mm-hmm. The blonde, it's obvious. Anyone with blonde hair is a slut. Yes, of course. And this blonde hair slut has a red phone, red lipstick, and is wearing black eyeliner immediately. And oh, and then she literally rubs her hands together like she's a witch.

Like a blah, blah, blah. She does. She's a bad guy. She does rubber hands together like an otter and it's very hands together like an otter and it's very good. All right, so then Grace goes to see her friend Tessa at some other shitty restaurant or coffee shop or whatever. They talk about perfume and clothes because they're ladies. Oh my God.

Jesus. And so Tessa leaves, but she's like, don't worry, I'm sure that the perfect guy for you is right around the corner. And she's like, no, I don't think I'm going to meet him until like act two probably, but okay. So she goes to the counter to order a latte and wouldn't you know what the barista is that same guy that was working the counter at that jewelry store that she was in in the first scene. Uh-huh. And now that he's not dressed like Mr. Beaver, she's a total bitch. Yes.

So he's like, he's like, oh, hey, I remember you. And she's like, could you, could you fucking not? Could you just give me a goddamn coffee? And he's like, nope, I sure can't. No, I can't. This movie was basically like Christian. It's been capable of not to. And so this behavior will be terrifying and never be addressed.

No, not really. He chases her in their meet cute. behavior will be terrifying and never be addressed. No, not really. He chases her in their meet cute, he chases her into the parking lot. Yes. And surprises her as she's unlocking her cost. Yes. Oh, yeah. A little stalker.

It's terrifying. Also, I'd like to point out this guy is clearly almost 40, yet trying to, I think, act like he's in his late 20s, maybe early 30s. Yeah, mid 20s. Something like that. Yeah. And I would like to point out that so begins the idea that men with thinning hair are the bad guys.

Oh, interesting. Oh, interesting. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't know you're right. I think you're right, because I Oh, interesting. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, you're right. I think you're right, because I can come up with two other examples from this. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you're right. Blonde and thin hair are the bad guys. Yep, exactly. And there's one care to us both. So, yeah. Which she says, thank you for reminding me of the most horrible day of my life. I'm lapsed, so.

It was the most. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's right that that's the status of Scott. Oh, good. You would you just wait, girl. Also, it's not like he knows about that, right? Right. They're talking. He's like, Oh, I remember I saw you at the ring shop.

And she's like, well, if you've been watching the movie and he's like, what? You know, that's the day my boyfriend broke up with me. So yeah, so he chases her around until she eventually gives him her number. Remember guys, just keep asking and eventually they'll say yes. Right? Ooh.

Yeah. Okay, so the next morning we get Grace breakfasting with the family. This is where we learn that she's taking an interior design course, but we're like, this is barely ever gonna come up, so we never really have any sense of what is this some sort of online certificate she's trying to get is this community college that we don't know.

I love that you said, because she studies lady stuff. It's lady stuff. We know that she does lady stuff. Or Stuart went to college for real stuff, but yeah. And dad comes in and he's like, hey, you know, we got a new neighbor, maybe we should all pack into the truck together and bring them a pie. And they're like, oh, is it 1950 fucking two?

Yeah, the mom's like, I'll make a pie. Yeah, yes. She says I'll whip up a pie. Who the fucking whip up a pie in my softly diffused kitchen. With the meticulously holding the farmhouse coffee cup very awkwardly. Yeah, right. Let me move these cookies out of the way and I'll get to that pie. That's amazing.

It's four fucking cookies and a pie, right? That's, yes. So it's much, much more functional one and three if we're just talking baked goods in general on the ratio. Also, Grace is supposed to be working on said design project at this supposed to be 50% of her grade. Her mother volunteers to bake this pie and immediately Grace is like, I'll help you bake. Right.

I'm going to work on my project that's 50% of my grade. I'll just fucking bake a pie with you. And also, I'll go with you to say hi to the new neighbor, right? She's got plenty of fucking time. Yeah. Yeah So they go greet the new neighbor. This is the handsome doctor guy that was burying the ring at the beginning and The dot it's it's it's fucking white people neighbor talk, right? It is oh my god This dialogue comes with a do not operate heavy machinery warning But also also the guy opens the door and the dad doesn't say hello. He just, he's just greets him with his name.

It's like, was this prearranged or was this impromptu? Like, what's happening? Or did you show up with your family of five fucking psycho? And then you're thinking, Hi, we're gonna sit in your living room. I was gonna ask the North Carolinian, is this a thing that they do? It is a thing.

It actually is a thing, actually. Oh God, I'm glad to, I moved to this small town in Georgia. If anybody had showed up in my house with fucking three kids in a pie, I'd have shot them in the fucking driveway or something. Legal, too, legal. It wouldn't be unheard of.

Yeah, right, right. It would only be, I don't know if you be the third guy that week. Yeah. And then they talk with the doctor and they're like, oh, you should come to our church. And he's like, I would love to come to your church. And I'm like, oh, there's the man for her, right? Yeah.

And they immediately assume he goes to church. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's not, are you Christian or are you a churchgoer or whatever? It's you should go to our church. I really don't care what religion you are. You should go to our church.

We'd like to declare dibs on you religiously speaking. Yeah, no, that's great. That's fine. Yeah. So, okay. So they leave. Sometime later, she comes into the study, Grace, to us to talk to Dad about that barista that she met a couple of scenes ago, right?

And Dad, by the way, he's, dad is a farmer. You can always tell he's working hard because he's constantly using an adding machine. You know, a lot of farming includes adding up long columns of numbers. This movie has no fucking clue what farming is. Dad will be holding like a side and a hat saw at various points just like clanking them together over a dead cow's corpse. Like, there's no... If you learned your farm stuff from like my son's puzzles, that's how you would write this

joke. She's gently fitting into cow into a wooden space. Yeah, it does go move. I'm a farmer. So dad's like, she's like, I met this guy and he chased me into the parking lot. It was very romantic about it. And dad's like, I'd like to meet him. And again, I wrote my nose. How the fuck old is she supposed to be? How old is she? Great question. Great question. And also, he's so creepy when she's like, and he was really nice and helped me out.

And he's like, I bet he did. And thus like this creepy way. Right. It's like, what are you implying? Yeah. Right. This incest porn won't start fucking and it's very upset.

Yeah. He just keeps opening the pizza box and there's pizza in there. Right. Very confused. So. So then there's a ring at the doorbell and she goes to answer it and wouldn't you know it.

It's another guy responding to that ad, which we will from this point on, forget about and we'll no longer be part of the movie. He might as well be winded and be like, sorry, I have further montage. I know my jokes doesn't make a lot of sense. But yeah, this is where she finds out about the thing and then she runs after the brother with the whole like, you know, Drew, I'm gonna get you. And then everybody laughs like the end of a fucking Scooby-Doo episode. Oh.

And then you realize, well, actually you don't realize which is helpful. You don't realize how much longer you have to go. How much more movie there is. So much more. I am always aware of that. So okay. So wait. So dad heads into the barn. He's gonna wave some tools at a tractor, right? Oh my god. Let me just talk about this out of the front because I feel like a fucking crazy person. Throughout the entire movie, Dad will be like, my combine is broken. And he will just gently rest his hand on the combine

one out of three scenes. Yeah. And be like, nope, still broken. Yep. Yeah. But then, okay, the bad guy shows up. Now, we have not met this character yet, but we know he's the bad guy. I mean, now we know, because the thinning hair, right? Because it's fucking Amy Crap, the bad guy shows up. Now, we have not met this character yet, but we know he's the bad guy,

I mean, now we know because the thinning hair, right? Cause it's fucking Amy Crapatode. Right, right, really bad guy. He's got blonde thinning hair and no less. Exactly. But I knew he was the bad guy right away cause he's wearing a suit and a bar, right? Nobody in the history of films

who wasn't the bad guy ever wore a suit and a bar. No. And let's talk about what they're going for and let's talk about what happens, right? Please, what they're going for is, hello, I'm Mr. Fancyman of Fancyman's real estate. And I'm here to tell you that you're poor. And I want to buy your land and turn it into homosexuals. And he's supposed to be like, I'm going to say I'm going to name it.

They're down my hair. Yeah. Yes, right, right. Okay. But the people who made this movie can't write. So instead, he's like, hi, I'm a real estate agent. I heard that this was like under debt. Would you be interested in selling it?

And he's like, get the fuck out of my way and phrase your crane. Also, also his name is Nigel Livinggood. Livinggood. My name is rock bottom trans rights are human rights. Pilly wish. The seventh. I definitely should have peed before we recorded this.

All right, well, do at this movie as a villain and I'm pretty sure they think that means it's a plot So with that bit of assurance we're gonna pause for a quick break, but we'll be back with even more princess cut Hi, I'm Amy Lynn Stewart and as a busy mother, I know a thing or two about picky eaters The end sleeping one is all the sustenance that I need That's right if the unsleeping one has all the sustenance that I need. That's right. If the unsleeping one has shown his face to your children, you know that they no longer require rest, nor food, and they can't feel pain. I hear his voice eternally.

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I don't think that's their catchphrase, honey. Someday it shall be all catchphrases. Okay. Hello. Is this the daily ledger personal section? Well, yes it is. Can I help you? I'd like to place an ad for my sister. Your sister, eh? I use that a little bit early on. How old are you?

Eight. Teen, eighteen. All right. What would you like this ad to say? One sister makes good mac and cheese, come get her or something, whatever boys do. Whatever boys do. Got it. And just to be clear, you have the $11 to post this thing, right?

Do you take piggy banks? Yeah, this is print media. At this point, you can pay me on a five-minute phone call with my ex-wife. What? Why doesn't your ex-wife want to talk about it? Why don't you want to talk about it? Okay.

And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action on Jared, this stalker, this is the barista guy that chased her out into the parking lot. He shows up at her house. She has not told him where she lives. Oh, right? She asks him. He opens the fucking door and she's like not told him where she lives. Oh, right. She asks him. He opens the fucking door and she's like, how the fuck did you know where I live?

And he's like, Oh, I found you online. Yeah. Stalker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I found you online is like how you hit up someone on Instagram. It's not how you show up to their home. Right. I mean, it's Jared's going to murder you and wear you like a skin suit, Grace. This guy is a walking red flag. He's nothing but red flags. And notice how the bad guy is like the hipster who's like making an attempt to be fashionable and have like a normal haircut. Right.

Yeah, right. Exactly. The guy with out conservative clothes and hair. Yeah. So she's like, well, you know what? Since you're stalking me so well anyway, I might as well introduce you to my dad And so they go in and this is I love Jared so much in this moment Mostly I hate Jared, but I love him so much right here because she's like the dad's like

Why don't you sit down and we can get to know you and he's like, oh, that sounds awful. No. No So that you can establish sexual possession over your daughter. No, I'm good He's like no, I was gonna take your daughter out. I don't want to talk to you And I'm like yeah, I go Jared so they go out for shakes and the dad says don't be out late and first of all It's fucking 230 PM. Yeah. Based on the sun. Yes, the afternoon. Yes, don't be out late.

I think he said that being like, don't be late for dinner. Right. Yeah, exactly. Right, but he's like, don't be an also like, how the fuck old is she? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she. Cause I'll tell you this. Yeah. Oh, she. Yeah. Oh, she.

Yeah. Cause I'll tell you this, I'll tell you this, if she's young enough to be told not to be home too late, Jared is way too old for her. Is that man? Jared is a pedophile. Yes, Jared is 65 years old. So okay, so he takes her to the fucking shake shop for whatever. And they have like nobody cares, exposition, like the writer he takes her to the fucking shake shop for whatever and they have like nobody

cares exposition like that. Like the writer knew they had to have conversation about stuff. So he starts talking about his family, which will never in any way factor into the story. Except just to say that anybody who comes from a problematic home is a stalker. Right. Yes, it's a bad person. Right, it's a bad person. Right. Right.

It's a bad person. Yeah, I guess you could say my parents never brought me to church. That's why I'm a rapist. Yeah. Anyways. Right.

And she's like, what do you ever plan on settling down? He's like, I'm more of a heath actually. Don't like labels. Yes. Okay. The only realistic moment he

has in this movie is she's like, so do you think you're going to settle down? And he's like, yeah, looks bad. Maybe. Yeah. Sorry, Amy, he's our co-host. I was making fun of him. Quick, well, okay. He's incapable of love. And of course, so eventually the movie gets his board with his dialogue as we are. And this Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha without any affection. Right. Well, sorry, there's hand holding, but no kissing. No kissing. And it's not just that there's no kissing, it's that he tries and she's like, oh no, no, no, no, oh my God,

what are you doing? We're going way too fast for me. Right, and look, consent, awesome. Yes, get consent for everything. We're all pro that. But I feel like the answer that Jeremy doesn't seem to understand is not to just keep trying to kiss.

She's not on a secret timer, Jeremy. Also, like, her leaning against like the glamour shot mall shot of her leaning against the huge bail of hay. Yes. As we all know, it would be deeply uncomfortable. And then the whipped cream coffee shot, it's like a close up almost of whipped cream. Yes. Coffee, like clearly virgins who live out in the country drink Starbucks whipped cream.

And that's how you know they're a virgin. Yeah. Genuinely, like if you told me that like a pre-pubescent little girl wrote this movie, so much more of it makes sense. Well, the only way that doesn't make sense is that there's no way a girl wrote this fucking movie, right? A pre-pubescent boy might, maybe, but yeah. Oh, it's some dude.

It's definitely some dude who thinks like, oh, girls must be like this. Yes, exactly. He put, he gave his wife a writing credit on it as well, but I don't, I don't believe him. Now, that was just bringing him cookies every six seconds. Leave my desk. Leave my desk. Just the check. So, but this montage opens or ends up, rather, with them pulling up at his place and it's

raining outside. And by raining, you mean there's a hose on top of the car with water running down the window. Hey, credit to whatever guy, whatever whoever's cousin was the hose holding guy, because they were like, right, so you simulate Rambeye, you spraying the hose on it. And he just like full force fucking power wash the side of the window facing the car so that they're either in hurricane fucking sandy or a badly tech to movie. Yes. So they blow up and it sounds and she has this like wow sure is a

Shit hole like kind of a moment right? And then he goes in for the kiss again. Yes, right? And at this point she's already told him now We're supposed to believe that some time has gone by right? This isn't the same day They've been dating for a while now. See montage. Yes, right. Yes, exactly exactly But she's still not ready for that. Yeah, she goes not to you put a ring on it Princess cut Yes, yeah, the name of the movie She says it once through line you guys once per act you were given them a hard time. Yeah, she says it in the third act as well Yeah, but this is the first time in the in the movie where we were like we as the audience had to cope with the fact that like what this movie is saying is that you can't kiss until

you're married. Until you're married. What the fuck? Your first kiss should be the end you may now kiss the bride kiss is what they're saying. No. That's a world view so fucking insane that we made a reality show about it. We literally just followed these fucking freaks around and we watched them smash their faces together

for the first time and then we put it on TLC to sell shampoo. That's how bad an idea it is. If your world view is a reality show to 98% of the planet, it's a bad worldview. So yeah, so immediately after trying to plan to kiss that she's already told him she doesn't want honor, he's like, well, why don't you come inside? I promise I won't try anything. And I'm just like, I don't fucking believe you, man.

If you weren't going to try anything, why would that ominous thunder clap come just as she got to who the car? Why would Jesus be standing just out of frame in the rain, shaking his head vigorously? No. Also, I mean, this guy must be desperate. Like he must be desperate to be trying to lure this one girl in there. I just, I cannot admit, like if it wasn't you, once you tell me, oh, well, we can't kiss until we get married, I'm gone. I would be just what? Yeah.

If you told me we can't kiss until we're married, I would eject myself from the car, like we had been in a front line crash. I would have taken it through the windshield, like Sunny god damn bonus So so she goes inside with him and she leaves her phone in the car for some fucking reason and immediately mom tries to call her and Can't get a hold of her So we cut to mom and dad dad tells mom about the evil real estate developer guy, right? She's like he offered me a reasonable price for this land. And mom's like, how dare he this fit this lesbian

in your family for generations? It's like, I know. Do you think you'll ever come back into the movie? No, no, that'll be literally the last we ever see of him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But so mom tries to call her again. It's been like two minutes after all. So mom tries to call Grace again And still she's not answering her phone

She's like I'm telling you. I don't know why but my heart is telling me that she's drying off with a metarisexuel right now And I just I don't like it. I don't like it So okay, so but just then his car pulls up and Grace comes running in through the rain to come home. Now let me clarify something for the audience. She is so traumatized when she walks in that for the remaining third of the movie until I re-want over it and realized what actually happened, I thought that he had sexually assaulted her.

Yes. Not what happened. This should be maybe they had actually had sex. Right. Or that they had sexually assaulted her. Yes. Not what happened. This should, they maybe they had actually had sex. Right, or that they had sex. Nope, they kissed. Yes. What happened is they kissed and she's in the third act of the fucking crying game in the world.

So she storms up to her room and she calls her friend, Tassin, she's like, I kissed him. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a whore. And Tess actually has good advice. She's like, oh, you feel like a whore because you kissed someone consensually. Have you considered going to therapy? But the blonde slut is suggesting therapy, right? Oh, yeah. Therapy is always evil in Christian movies, right?

Because it's an alternative to Christianity, right? Oh, yeah, and her derisive, like, your mom has a therapist. Like, oh my God, what? Gross. I mean, I guess, yeah. The Chris, what's wrong with her? Is she dying? And then she tells her, no, no, no, it's fine.

The first session's free, you know, just like a heroin dealer. That's how they get you hooked on Better Health Online therapy. So, so then we cut to my best worst. I'm so happy. We cut to like Dr. Ruth without the accent, right? June. Yes. This is my favorite scene in the movie for two reasons. First of all, because as a fellow character actor and actress Amy, we have lots of notes for this woman's performance. But, tomb, we get to see what these people think of Jewens,

which is so exciting. They're just like, what are them Jews like? They got plants, they wear them fancy. What are those fancy mirrors they put in front of them? Faces is glasses? Yeah, they wear them. So, it's some plethora leopard print jacket. Yes. I mean, the therapist is wearing a plethora. And some leather leopard print jacket.

Yes. I mean, the therapist is wearing a plethora with a perfect print jacket and chewing gum. I just can't do that. That's a fucking thing. Yeah, I'm not just a chewing gum. And this will be learned everything it knows about psychiatry from fucking peanuts comics, right? She holds out her little tin can.

She puts in the nickel and she's like, what's troubling you dear? Yeah, he opens with what's true. Can I just say I know we have some therapists who listen to our show, please open your first session with your new clients with what's troubling you too. I just want to see what rabbit holes that leads you down. So yeah, she's like, so I've got this boyfriend and he always was to in her own bucket words, always was to hug and kiss and stuff. And the fucking psychiatrist is like, how the fuck old is your character? She's like, oh, I see. You are trapped in your parents farm and your dad is planning on making you

a sister wife. I see, I've got to help you get out of here. Right. Well, so, and then Dr. Ruth is just like, what you need is some dick. What you're going to need is a long, hard, brushed-in penis. You're going to need. Seems like you need some cock to be. You seem like you want some cock you have any

I think it's there's some fucking cock And it seems like this Jared guys got a cock that he would happily give you She's eating a big sloppy meatball slug while she says it Don't like you need to get fuck you know there's no God right? They just turn right off when we die nothing but the dark. Oh, fuck him. You want to watch me fucking? Like warm up. Oh, I love this scene. So she says what you need is a practice marriage. That's the actual line they gave this woman the fuck.

I know a practice marriage. A starter marriage. No, that's it. You're right. A starter marriage. Before you move on to the... Oh, but Iish, no, she's attempting an accent. She's attempting like a New York accent.

Yes, right. She's trying. She's going for you. She definitely is going for you. I watched a lot of people go for you in my life and this not the most successful attempt I've seen. Let me clear it out there. Honestly, when she storms out of the office, I really expected this woman to pick up the phone and be like, sorry, I had a client. Now back to planning 9 11.

All right. So we head back home and this is maybe the most useless goddamn scene in the whole fucking movie, right? Oh my god, this this scene is like a kid's maker wish was to put a seed in the movie. We told him he could write one scene, but we have to instantly undo it the minute anything. Right. Yeah. So okay. So Grace is back up. She's doing her big fucking scrap booking assignment that's 50% of her interior design grade in the middle of the kitchen, the small kitchen, again, inappropriate locations throughout. With the biggest glass of tea sitting right next to it. Right? This is North Carolina, I'm assuming that's tea.

Uh-huh. And so the little brother comes by and he accidentally knocks the full glass of tea on her assignment and just ruins it. Now, not for nothing, the assignment was like something I could recreate in 15 fucking minutes, right? If I had a wet one, I could give you a dry one of these pretty fucking quick. And also kind of her fault for having her fucking tea set and I right next to an assignment that would be ruined by having tea dumped on it.

But she turns to the brother and she goes, sometimes I wish you weren't even my brother. And that cuts him to the fucking bow. What I love is that because these people aren't human and they've never actually felt emotions, the movie turns to us. It is like, yeah, that got pretty real. What do you think? And I'm like, oh my gosh, wow, I've said like, we're stuffed to my mom as a joke. Man, that's right.

It's a crazy movie. Also, I would like to note the evil schoolwork made her be evil to her brother. Oh, because she was doing schoolwork. Yep. If that lady hadn't been trying to get educated, right? She did baking cookies with her mother, like she should have been or sewing. If she could have been doing some sewing.

Yeah. So, so the brother runs off. She follows, I wanted it to be because she wasn't done yelling at him. Side tackles him, starts to punch him. Come on, motherfucker. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, and as she runs outside,

she passes dad chatting with the neighbor, doctor guy in the driveway, right? Yeah. What is he doing there? It, that's never explained. Nope. He's just, he needs to be What is he doing there? That's never explained. No, he's just, he needs to be there and conveniently hanging out. That's how the Make a Wish Kid wrote it, I guess.

He's there with Dad's Viagra prescription. Yeah, right. For when the moment's right. So. But as he's driving off, the doctor goes to leave and he hears grace screams, so he grabs his doctor bag and he runs. Now, I love how underplayed this is because Drew apparently got hit by a car while he was running away all sad because of what his sister said.

And the doctor runs there and we're like, Oh, okay. So the doctor's here to help, but but Drew isn't hurt. Drew is 100% fine. Right. They're just the doctor comes in and he's just like, does it hurt when I do this? He's like, it doesn't hurt when anything happens. He goes, Oh, okay, well then the fuck was the point of this scene then? The whole point of the scene. Did your grandpa just want to run over your bike and we decided

to catch it on film? It's happening. The whole scene is about the doctor in his 30s being turned on by the immature girl running away and crying and I'm gonna fuck that. Yes, no, you're right. But how old is she? Right. She's like, she has the emotional maturity of a middle school girl. Right. Yeah, of a five year old. Yeah. Yeah. of a middle school girl. Right. Of a five year old. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay, so she harrumped back home.

She harrumped back. Oh, so, so she goes upstairs. She's going to lay down and get all cryy or whatever. The movie is entirely forgotten about the biggest assignment at this point. Oh, remember sobbing face down in your bed. Yeah. Oh, the times. Poor Eli.

So, but mom followers are upstairs. She's pillow crying. And mom's like, I think this is about right time for the mom daughter scene. And she's like, yeah, how you're, you're probably right. Because this is where she has to tearfully admit to her mom that things have gotten pretty physical between her and Jared and just as mom's going like, Oh, really? Tell me all the details. She's like, okay. Thank you. We have to talk about mom's choice. Mom is. Oh my God. Mom is aiming for a surprise gesture here.

And so she places her hand upon her breast, right? As it, as in a shocked gesture. But then in perhaps the third worst acting choice I've ever seen. She slowly traces her right hand over to her left breast While her daughter is talking in the creepiest thing since fucking Matthew McConaughey and killer show She's like you've been kissing Mmm, tell mommy all about it Right, so she ended eventually she just admits to, it was just I we kissed and and hugged and hug like face on hug, not a side hug. I'm talking about a full on hug and mom's like,

oh, well, I love you. Even if you did kiss Jared, now let's go talk to your dad about that because he has man wisdom. Yeah. I must take you to your master now. Yeah. I'm not allowed to counsel you. I must take you to the man. That's why I only have 16 lines. Yeah, right. I have more cookies than lines. Yeah. Honestly, if let me just say this would be my favorite movie of Wall Street was talking

to her. She just like gone over to a cabinet and pulled out a hot tray of cookies. I put these in here earlier. So okay, but then she goes out to chat with dad, because of the man wisdom. And this is another example of them trying to capture exterior audio on a windy day. So that's nice again.

Oh, right. And of course, once again, she opens this wrong. She's like, well, you know, dad, he pushed our relationship to be much more physical than I know is right. And dad is just like, oh, so your butt stuff, right? You're talking about butt stuff. And he's like, no, I'm kissing.

He's like, oh, yeah, diagramming the consent in that sentence. It's like, he pushed our relationship. And it's like, okay, that's not good. To be physical, okay, that doesn't matter. More than God wants. And it's like that also, okay, so we got two doesn't matters. And one, two,

it's like how we chart this. I don't know the math on this one. But dad explains to her, look, this is my fault. This is my fault. I let you have way too much free will. Yes, here is a packet of soybeans and a little craft project. Soy beans.

These soybeans, I put a bunch of torn up paper in there with words on them. Words like persevere and some stuff. So good words like long. Yeah, we're these soybeans are your vagina. What the fuck was going on with any of this scene? Yeah, she has a moment where she's like, are you gonna arrange a marriage? And they laugh at her, but like, that's a valid question and he's fucking weirdo. That is a valid question.

No, the movie felt the need to clarify that he wasn't talking about an arranged marriage. Yeah, they lost some viewers at that moment, right? There were people who were on for the ride of this movie and were like, well see, there's your problem right there. Bunch of liberals refuse to arrange a marriage. Yeah. And she goes, at the very end of this scene, she's like, well, but dad, what do I do about Jared? And he goes, I think you already know. I'm like, wait, what is it? What does

she know? We all thought he meant kill him, right? Yes. But wait, wait, where does she say? Cause I have written in my notes that she says, daddy, I do, I do. And then husband with the mom sitting next to her. And I'm like, I write, what's happening? What's happening? I feel like sister wife. I feel like I do daddy. I'm gonna marry you. And the mom's like yes, and I'm gonna watch. And I'll bake all the cookies you need. Also, I have a theory. I don't think, I think the kids are adopted and I don't think the dad and mom have ever actually had sex. Oh, they're not ready. They're not ready.

He doesn't want to push her farther than she's ready to take this. He wants the daughter. He needs the daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Very Woody Allen vibe here. So, okay. And then this is so fucking amazing.

We cut her. She's leaving the library. She's going to picked up some books about, you know, godly relationships or whatever. She's walking out of the library with, I'm gonna say conservatively 13 books. She is an art, she's like, Gus, Gus the mouse with books. But Jared sees her walking out with her 137

fucking volumes of how not to fuck by Jesus. And he chases her down. And he's like, Hey, I've been calling you for a week and you haven't been answering. Do you want to go off and and fuck? Wait, what does he say, though? What does he say? Do you want to go to our spot? What?

Yes, our special special spot. It's like you want to go part. Yeah, you want to go to make out point. I'm 50. I'm 55. You want to medicate. You want to go hogging kids to worship. No, no, I think I think we're unequally yoked right and he goes what the fuck does that mean she's it means I'm breaking up with you it's not a very sensible

right and again because this movie is written by like a nine-year-old who saw a fucking twilight movie from underneath her grandmother's bed he ends the conversation by saying, I can play this charade. And we now watch her do like a research, slash scrapbooking montage on sexual purity. So yes, yes, listener, we watch a reading montage. We watch a montage of someone reading books and this poor actress, because she's not a bad actress, right? I mean, she's not a good actress.

No, no, she's not a good one, but she's not like by the standards. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they were like, okay, so we'll just have a montage of you reading. And so she has to find like seven or eight different ways to read. Yep. At one point, she's like, hey, reading. Do you have you guys hanging backwards over the bed? Right. Right.

We also see her notes, quote unquote, on this one point. And her notes are in like fun bubble font, like the, the fucking list that you'd make to list everyone in the cheerleading squad. She's got hearts over the eyes. There's like flowers. Yes. How old is she? No, old is she. And then we have to add the I think laziest and stupidest and most useless plot point in this entire fucking movie, right? Oh God.

We cut the test, the best friend from earlier. She's walking into the coffee shop just as the doctors walking out. They literally bump into each other. Okay. Well wait, I, because these actors are not great at bumping. No, okay, they get within 11 feet of each other They both do a pirouette and they're like that counts. All right. Yeah, right And test immediately Texts Grayson. She says hey, I just fell in love with some guy that was walking out of the coffee shop if he becomes your love interest You and I shall be in conflict right

your love interest you and I shall be in conflict. Right. Dibbs on his penis, which means we have to assume that tests texts all of her female friends whenever she has any sexual interest in anyone. Just like, I saw another one today. Dibbs. And Grace is like, that's fine. I'm not even looking for a penis. Yeah. What does she say? I'm not even looking for a penis. Yeah, what does she say?

I'm waving on God for the next one. Yes, right. Let's not forget that sentence line. Oh my God. Yeah, okay. And so sometime later we get the hot doctor, he's coming over to their house to check on Drew, right? Yeah.

And again, this movie is so badly written. He's like, I just came out to check on Drew and she's like, he's still fine. Remember, he was fine when you checked on him the first time? Nothing happened. So he's like, right, I'm here because this next scene has dialogue with me in it. I'm sorry, I don't know. When he walks up and she turns around, does she not say

I had my headphones in and it's like, we like, yes, we see that you have your headphones out of your ears. And she said that. My headphones. It's like, that's for our target audience, all the interview. Right. Yeah, what was in her ears? So. All right.

So we cut to dad and the boys finishing up some farming stuff. They still can't get that damn combine work, right? Right. So they're going to have to combine by hand. I don't even know what a fucking combine does. I'm sorry. He goes, we have a banner crop this year. First of all, no, they don't. We literally watch them talk about how bad the crop was. Yep. Earlier in the movie, but his suggestion is that the three of them are going to pick an entire soybean crop by hand. Yes, the three of them, but mom and

mom and sister can help too. Oh, yeah. The women quote unquote, it is almost impossible for me to communicate to all of you either how small that soybean club has to be for that to be possible or how insane a proposition than it. Well boys now that the combines bro it looks like we're gonna have to dig all the gold out of the ground with our fingernails. You guys start on the left I'll start on the right and then we'll use these dix-gis-trails in case we hit oil. Right. Yeah. Jesus Christ, he's like, but if you help me out with the crop and we do a good enough job, I'll host a trap shooting competition.

Oh my God! Why did you say so in the first place? Right. Yes, like, finally we have something to look forward to in this movie. Also, was he implying that his children wouldn't help him if he didn't set up the device? They own. Yeah. Right. Yes.

By the way, trap shooting is apparently it's a type of clay pigeon shooting not to be confused with skeet shooting or shooting. Oh, it's not. It's not. It's a different type of ski, of your dog Rob, fight pitch shooting. It is actually by definition, easier ski shooting.

Oh, if you can't ski shoot, they're like, okay, well, how about we make them three times the size and twice as close and you're like, I like that. That's good. It is the bowling with bumpers of ski shooting. So, but just then the doc shows up and he's like, Hey, we're going to

about to do an impossible amount of soybean picking. And he's like, Hey, I'm in, I'm in. Yeah, because he does has nothing better to do. We've never seen this doctor practice medicine once. No, he's just always free. Later in the movie, he will declare that he has given up a week of doctrine to help with the sleepy. Yes. Just wanted to flash got to some little old lady in the waiting room, just very clearly dead. That's right. All right, so then we get Doc with mom and dad

asking for their permission to fuck their daughter. This is the craziest conversation I have witnessed in our movies in a really long time. Wow, that's in a lot. It's so fucking uncomfortable. He says, I'm seeking your approval to pursue her and I wrote in my notes, this guy has slashed the warrant on Mar-a-Lago.

Yeah, this movie isashed the warrant on Mar-a-Lago. Yeah, this movie is all happy about this, but this is some despicable shit, right? This guy's like, before we go to all the, you know, technicalities, like her permission, everything, I want to make sure it was okay with you if I have sex with your daughter. Yeah. Before I have a second conversation with your daughter, I just want to make sure that you own her and I can borrow her for a second. Right. And then the dad's like, thank you. Thank you for coming to us first. your daughter. I just want to make sure that you own her and I can borrow her for a second. Right. And then the dad's like, thank you. Thank you for coming to us first. Why the fuck?

Why is he coming to you first? That's insane. Right. And then the dad gets all weepy. He starts crying. I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. He's not going to be able to fuck her. We wanted to fuck her first. Right. Nobody like sloppy seconds. He's like, no, it's cool. Someone besides me should fuck. I said I wasn't going to cry. It's fine. It's like, will you video tape it for Jesus? Also pacing, I would just like to bring our attention back to the pacing. I think this scene was especially problematic in terms of memorization. They must have really had a hard time here because you could have driven like 10,000 fucking trains through every pause.

Yes. Here's my guess. My guess is that there was a barking dog dying in the background and they were just trying to talk around it. Okay. So anyways, I would, I really love if your daughter. So. So okay, so then he's gonna go see to the technicality of asking, now he's got dad's fruition. He goes out to the dock where Grace is hanging out.

And I had to write this out because of just how fucking insane this line is, okay? This is his opening line once he sits down with her quote I've really enjoyed getting to know your family over the last few months and getting to know you I'd like to get to know you better. Would you consider exploring a deeper friendship with me? I mean a relationship where we'd both be prayerfully considering the possibility of marriage. I'm not seeing an English sentence so mangled since like a spam message in my Instagram folder. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. That is such a weird, creepy fucking thing. But she's like, yeah, no, I will. It's assuming that my dad permits you know, permits you to do that. I mean, obviously. And he's like, don't worry, I already bought you from your dad. Yeah.

No, I'm gonna give him 30 shakos and a fetid calf. We already worked that out. Yeah, no, it works. And everything. If you look at subsection B. And then she's so delighted. She's so delighted. She's like, oh, did Drew put you up to this?

That's like, oh my God. This flash got over to Drew just doing the like gesture like, no, I think that's weird. He gives her these flowers that he's brought with her. Again, I had to write this down. This is so fucking weird. He says, quote, the iris symbolizes Jesus and how we need to build our identity around him to be truly satisfied and the roses represent the need for purity in our relationship. Meaning I'm gonna need to check your hymen before you call Jesus Christ. Okay.

I am a doctor, so I'm qualified, but if you'd like a colleague of mine to do it, I have a buddy who's of that and it's basically the same thing. Oh, I didn't realize that there was even such a thing as the least sexy sentence until I heard that, but there you have it. It's, and we have found it. It took us a while. All right, well, I tell you what, I don't know about you guys, but I feel like Act 2 is the best time to establish a love interest in a romance movie.

So we're going to pause there long enough for the script to take a victory lap, but first let me give Act3 the hard sell. Whatever happened to her interior design project. What a fuck was the blind girl from that one scene? What purpose did the Stuart character serve in this script? Find out the answers to one of these questions, and that's it when we returned to the lazily plotting conclusion of Princess Cut.

I woke up to a big cell phone company retail store. the lazily plotting conclusion of Princess Cut. Hi, welcome to a big cell phone company retail store. Hi, yeah, I noticed all these hidden charges on my bill. Right, well, you're a lady person, so I'm gonna be incredibly kind to sending it and not helpful at all. You see this right here is a phone. Got that. Is there any chance someone in here

won't treat me like a speech delayed toddler. Oh, for that, you're going to want Mint Mobile. What's Mint Mobile? Mint Mobile offers a premium wireless service starting at just $15 a month. $15 a month? What's the catch? There isn't one. Mint Mobile secret sauce is that they were the first company to sell wireless service online

only. They cut out the cost of retail stores and passed those sweet savings directly to you. And I don't get talked to like someone is translating to Swahili while I talk. That's right. I switched over to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor and now my whole family is on it, which is why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Mint Mobile. All right. I'm in. Where do I sign up? To get your wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get that plan shipped to your door

for free, go to mintmobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam. Cut your wireless build a $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash cam. Now can I interest you in a speaker? You're going to try to sell me things after not helping me? Amazingly yes, I am. Lulu, Lulu, do a teenage girl stuff. Teenage girl stuff is my favorite stuff.

Princess, do you have a second? Sure, dad, sure, mom, what's up? Well honey, we know that you and Jeremy have been dating for a while now. It'll be a year at home coming. That's right, that's right. And we know that, well, there can be certain physical pressures on a relationship around these times. Dad, now hear your father out. That's right, peanut.

I don't want to talk about this kind of thing any more than you do, but God has a plan for how you treat your body, which is why, with his guidance, me and your mother, think it's time you gave Jeremy the old Yankeiro. I'm what? Sweetie, listen to your father. That's right kiddo, it's time to bat the bishop, choke the monkey, given that 360 twist with the gawk. Honey, I think that last one is a blowjob.

Well, I don't know, Sharon, I'm flustered. But, but, but how do I know if Jeremiah and I are ready? It's not about that sweet beef. It's about what our wizard friend wants. And our wizard friend wants you to milk Jeremy like you just finished a handshake round at the leprosy ward in his dingo shoots out hand sanitizer. All right. If you say so, I guess, but, but mom, dad, yes, putting this is pretty much exactly as creepy as what Christians actually do. Isn't it sure is kiddo sure is. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with a quick grace and clint are dating Christianly montage, right?

No try and a kisser in this one. Can I just throw out here that we are now on the third fucking relationship of this movie? I know. Why did we have to have Stewart? Jared and Stewart were doing the same work. I don't. This montage is so insipid that I wrote my notes. I'm barely exaggerating that in my darkest moments when my suicidal tendencies are at their most pronounced part of what keeps me alive is that these people haven't killed themselves.

But I can't do it. I can't I can't make the jump of this woman's like I'm doing a great job. Do you have a sandwich? No. Then first then me. And so the key though to this dating montage as opposed to the one that we got with Jared earlier is that Clint is dating her whole family, right? He's he's he's dancing with mom and he's goofing off with the kid. He takes the brother along for a putt putt because you know how women love it when you take their brothers with them on your date. Oh, nothing like it. Exactly. And he's part of the baking to go meet apparently another new neighbor, taking another packet, some kind of carrying more food to someone.

He's baking with them now. Yeah, exactly. Right. Also, again, with the random closeups, why are we getting closeups of the ball, of the pup pup ball? Why do we need that? I feel like that the guy who owned that pup butt course was like, all right, I'll let you use my pup butt course, but I'm going to need some B roll for my ad. Yeah, absolutely. I'll let you use my putt putt course, but I'm gonna need some b-roll for my ad. Yeah And we watch them they fish for a while because that's boring right they say they we watch them fish and then they they push each other playfully How bad did you guys want to watch them just like committing a hate crime together?

Just dragging a teen behind their truck. I think all for a walk outside. You are a boss neck. I didn't make that. That's them. They do that. No, but the, but the, and the montages ends with all of them playing a board game together as a family, right? The same board game. Yes, life. They're play, they really like life. Also, the people who made this movie are so fucking stupid. They don't know how life works, because he wins, and he ends it by going, all of this is mine, which is not how the game of life works.

You don't win the game of life. That's a monopoly you're thinking of, man. That's monopoly. Yes, right. But anyway, so there's suddenly a ring on the doorbell, right? As he's finishing the game, and I wrote my notes, I'll be like, well, better be a God-Damn conflict because what the fuck is this movie even about? And here they serve you up the perfect conflict.

Don't they, though? It's Tessa, the best friend, and she is pissed because she called dibs on that penis, right? Yep. I mean, the most implausible argument had by two grown women ever. Oh, I wrote so fucking stupid. And the language gets pretty harsh at one point. Tessas says, you, you double crossed her.

By the way, I did look it up and the Dove Family Review reviews website does warn us that she calls her a double presser. Yeah, surprise. So it's so delight please do but she's like, well, you either break up with him right this minute or we're not friends anymore and and braces like

that camp possibly be the plot is it and she's the closest thing we've got for now. The only way for this movie to be more insipid at this point is for her to get deadly ill because she didn't get a kuddy shot before kissing chair and then and the movie is like okay yeah no that's not enough conflict that's a terrible conflict we we can step it up we can step it up and just so Brooke the evil blonde lady that we saw for eight seconds in the first act shows back up and she's looking for Clint, right?

And we know this actress from right to believe saving faith and God's not dead too. And yes, she was the faith of saving faith. Yeah, and Amy, you might recognize her from her face was the model for medieval plague masks. Um, you know that comes to a perfect point. Yeah. God. Oh my God. So in a pair of when she's done, she's narrowed him down to a city or two, right? She loves.

She's somewhere in this part of North Carolina. So she's just driving around town with his fucking headshot, asking random people if they've know this guy. Yep, right? And she just happens to find who is it? Our favorite Jewish therapist. Oh, is that who is? Yeah. Oh, you read Jewish therapist. Exactly. She's the one outside of the roadhouse. Oh, yeah, right. The therapist.

She's sitting there. She's like, I'm telling you, just tell him it's a vaccine. We'll track everyone. What's that? Oh, yeah, he lives down the road, honey. So, like I am. So, she's, and she's like, yeah, no, I know exactly where he is. He said this such and such a farm and whatever.

So she's like, oh, okay, well, this is all very much a plot now. And she's like, oh, yeah, no, totally a plot. And then we cut back to Grace and her mom, they were in the kitchen doing lady stuff. This was, I think the first time we saw a mom in an apron, which was shocking to me that it took this long. No, no, I begged a different. We saw her in her apron when she was dancing with Clint. Oh, you're right. That's right. But that was just the last scene. So you're right. Yeah. This is where she pulls out the final batch of cookies.

So we know we're getting to the end. That's the pacing of the film, right? That's this film's ticking clock is how long is going to take those fucking cookies to cool down? Yeah. So, okay. So, but like the conversation they're having is like that scene with Tessa was fucking dumb, right? And I was like, yeah, I was fucking dumb. We're just gonna resolve that kind of off screen later. And he's like, oh, good, oh, good. And so just then, Brooke shows up at their house. She says, I'm looking for Clint Masters. We've never, I don't know that we've ever given this character

a name, so we're just like, I think she means the doctor guy. I think right for a doctor. Oh my God, his name is Master. Yes. Clip Master. Yes. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. We're going to go to my favorite Japanese restaurant, Mizo Jojini. Mizo Jojini. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Did they do that on purpose or was that just like? Oh, yes. I mean, hurt. Oh, you know this. Okay. It was absolutely.

Absolutely on purpose. And let me clarify the plot here so that everyone can live in the horror that we lived in. So here's what happened. Clint used to date this girl, but then they fucked and he was like, ah, we fucked too early I dump you now and Barry are wedding. Barry the ring. I was gonna propose to you with in a shallow grave near my new farm Yes, right now in order to keep the characters from knowing and explaining this for the remaining 22 minutes of the movie Everyone will speak like an Alzheimer's patient

minutes of the movie, everyone will speak like an Alzheimer's patient wandering through the old age home where there's been a fire and there's no one there to lead them back to their rooms for the rest of the film. She's like, I'm looking for Clint Masters. She goes, are you related? She goes, not yet. And Grace has no follow up question. She's like, sounds good to me. Come on in.

Yeah. Why don't you stand our home for the remainder of the movie? What? You just met this, she just randomly pulled up in your driveway. No, you wouldn't. You live here now. Yes, I do. Right.

So she goes upstairs, Grace is showing her her room. She's like, so where you from? She's like, Colorado, she's like, I've heard of that state. I know that one. It's a square, isn't it? I think it's a square. And that's the amount of conversation they can allow these two characters to have without it coming up that she's dating Clint.

Yeah. Except they really do want you to know that she's evil again and she immediately starts putting on makeup. Right. Right makeup. And I would like to point out that she's wearing a red scarf. Oh, she is, isn't she? I've now watched this woman in like 17 movies and 17 times in a row, some white Christian man has been like, but can you put your lips to gone all, you know, Hori and she's been like, trust me. Maybe you've seen my work and God's not dead. 17 is actually says that on my CV. It just says that I can do that.

So yeah. So she's like, so how do you know Clinton? She's like, oh, you know, he was my boyfriend back in the day. And I want to get back together with him. So how do you know, Clinton? She's like, interesting that you asked and it's a very good question. I'm glad that I got that question today. Oh, my mom's calling me.

I gotta go to the kitchen now. So fucking dumb. What's that? It's the not resolution of the movie. I must go now. Yeah. Right. So she and there's host of this great moment in case you haven't picked up on the fact that Brooke

is the bad guy. She goes, Oh, I've got to help my mom in the kitchen and Brooke goes, kitchen. Why don't you go to a restaurant like a feminist? Well, it's actually, it's not even written that smartly. She goes, I would just go to a restaurant and it's like rather than help my mom in the kitchen, the food is already being cooked. Why don't you just grub hub your mom cookies. So okay, so that night everybody's having dinner.

That's the whole family Clint and Clint's ex-girlfriend who's here, right? Yeah. So they, and of course, at the whole family goes to say, Grayson, Brooke is like, this is so Clint and stupid. It's her pastor on Food and Brooks. Like, you remember Clint that you and I used to make corn bread and then, fuck, remember? She literally says, do you remember the food that we ate? And he's like, like no and she's like Yes, you do

Liar oh The writer I feel like at this point that people should just be saying opening brackets in distinct chatter closing brackets And then they all make they go who made the cornbread? Grace made the corn bread. Oh, is that Grace's corporate? I did make the corn bread. go, who made the cornbread? Grace made the cornbread. Oh, is that Grace's cornbread? I did make the cornbread. Oh, it's good cornbread. It's like see, good she can cook. Oh, she can make cornbread. I got to marry her. Yeah. You would go to a restaurant. You slut. What a blonde hair.

Clint turns to the ex girlfriend. Do you hear that? I want to eat Grace's cornbread. This is raw. So yeah, so you should and then middle brother tries to justify his existence in the movie by going, so Brooke, what brings you here to East Bend, North Carolina? And she's like, oh, I'm stalking Clint. Obviously, Clint, what the fuck did you think brought me here? I literally showed up at the door asking for him. Oh, no, I'm here for high school. I just also thought I'd stalk someone with a headshot while I was here doing a summer abroad and go fuck yourself. This is why you only have two lines. But then that dad explains at this point that if they can finish the harvest in time, he's going to host a great big harvest festival. Right. Right. And and Brooke is like, what does those words mean?

A harvest festival. It's when good Americans get together and we put a pie in an oven and we're put up a to be an American. He's so vague in his answer that she goes, wait, do you give all the soybeans away? And he's like, no, nope, that's not a harvest festival. Well, he's like, well, when you, when the Lord blesses you with great bounty, you give some to other people, and she's like, giving things to other people, that's dumb. You do this.

Do this. So what a strange idea. Yes, no. No. What is this charat tie of what you speak? I wonder just put her hands in the mashed potatoes Right just like gets two handfuls of mashed potatoes starts eating them What what what is a person? So okay, so and then Clint gets a phone call right so he's got to leave and you think it's like a beeper situation

You finally think oh he's a doctor finally he's gonna go do something doctory. No, okay keep going nope Nope, never gonna happen. Yeah, so he leaves and and broke chases him down and he says I don't Haven't unbroken up with you or anything, okay? All right, and she's like oh well, I guess you've an unbroken up with you or anything, okay? All right. And she's like, oh, well, I guess you've made that super clear and now there's no longer a conflict between the two of us at all with 20 minutes left in the fucking movie.

Also, it's an entirely ADR scene, at least on his part. Yes. And can I just say, thank God for once they got outside and they were like, man, these crickets are really fucking loud. You know what we should do? So it's the next morning, everybody's all on the truck getting ready to harvest them some soybeans. But then, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Quitches up in the combine.

That's right. Oh, no. No. Yeah. Apparently the phone call that he got that other day, that was in the previous scene. That was his friend Mike who can fix anything. And so he fixed the combine. The hostage doctor saved us.

Right. Fuck yeah, he did. So, and I don't know, because he's like, oh, you know, he's a great auto mechanic and I figured, mine is well given, I feel like knowing how to work on cars and combines would be a super duper different.

Excuse me. Right. Details, details, I mean, come on. Yeah, actually, it turns out all of the cars that Mike worked on up until that point started pulling shit up from the ground whenever they go place it is the first time for that.

Yeah. But yeah, now they have the combine and we don't have to watch them do menial labor anymore, which is great. I'm happy about that. So then we cut to them, setting up the big harvest festival and dammit if Tessa doesn't show up. Remember from she was, they had conflict because she would call the dibs.

Right. Tessa shows up and she's like, hey, I heard that the plot was about something else in two more scenes just now. So I forgive you or whatever. Yes. Yes. She's like, oh, it's okay, Tessa. Brooke showed up. We have a way better conflict now.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes. I feel like at this point, the movie is vigorously rubbing or left flap and asking us, is this a plot? Is this a plot? How about now? Oh, we pan over this fucking North Carolina family potluck and I'm like, if there's a hell, this is where I go when I die, right?

I'm just, I'm here and everybody wants to ask me which highway I took on the way into town, right? The people who made this movie were too cheap to provide food at this fake potluck. So everyone is just shot from like the neck off and like holding empty forks to their mouths being like rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble, rab rabble rabble. Peace and care, it's the caretaker. This is the rap party.

This is the actual rap party. Oh yeah, right. Right look, everybody who was in it locally just brings something to eat for the rap party. Everybody shows up with corn on the cup. So they all head over to fucking shoot traps or whatever the hell this is and Honestly look because we open this scene on everybody loading shotguns I'm like if the next 15 minutes of this are just brook going John Wick on this whole shitty town It will have been worth oh

So good, right. I would have loved it. That would have been amazing actually that would have been interesting Yeah, yeah, but despite the fact that this movie has been like country get for better to market. Despite the fact that this movie is essentially a banjo, not a single person will hold a gun properly for the rest of the movie. They're holding them between their teeth. They've got them between their knees, they're doing hand stands and loaded them with their feet. And I love to, so we get this long montage of everybody's shooting at clay pigeons, but no one ever missed it, right? Every single shot, well, except Brooke, right?

Was she trying to shoot herself? Oh, yeah, only Brooke. Yeah, yeah. Right, but everybody else hits it and then they have to have like one person be like, oh, well, you're very good at this. Oh, well, if you would like lessons, I will teach you. It's like you're all equal to good. No one has missed.

Yeah. You need a harder hobby. There's also no rules. They don't clarify that this is a contest. We just watch them like standing at a lake fishing and they're like, sorry, is this the climax of the movie? I think it might be the climax of the movie. Right. At one point, Clint says, well, I made it onto the third round or I made it out of the second round or whatever. And we're like, wait, there are rounds. And no, by

the way, we'll never find out who wins or anything. No, we'll never come back to that. He's like, I made it to the second round. Who gives a fuck? Next scene. Yes. Right. It's inconsequential. Everybody shoots guns. It's just the past time. Right. It's just, you know, understood. All they want you to know is that good people have guns. Yes. And bad people don't. Yes. Grace is huge. Grace shoots guns good because she's a good Christian girl. Yeah. And Brooke can't shoot guns at all because she's a fucking feminist. And she's from the city from the big city

Yeah, she turns around and points the gun at everybody because she doesn't even know which end the bullets come on That would have been our John Wick moment So okay, so then who should show up at the big pot luck, but Jared, remember? Jared, yeah. Hey, I heard you needed a yet a third plot point to finally kill this movie like a buffalo we've been following for the last 80 days and 80 nights. Stalker. So and then so brookho storm and off and she and Jared meet Jared starts flirting with

her. Jared is there to see Grace and he's just like, oh, she's a cute blonde. I should probably try to fuck her while I'm walking by in a very kiwi way. I mean, yes, kiwi. Yes, it's just like, hey, pretty lady. How are you doing? It's, it's so fucking bad. Oh, and I think in myself, like, okay, it would be really, really incredibly lazy and stupid if this movie just matches the two of them up. But don't worry, it's going to be lazier and stupider than that. That would have been amazing. That would have been a wonderful, you know, compared to the alternative, yes.

And we had the moment. Yeah. Because they were going to go have psychosex together. You could see it. He was like, Hey, do you want to pee on my chest? And she was like, I do want to pee on your chest. It's going to be a happy ending for everybody. And they blew it.

But no, instead, they're like, Hey, do you want to wander off and enact vengeance against the main characters? And she's like, do I? So Jared and Brooke, they go back to the trap shoot with a plan in mind, right? Step one, Brooke has to trick Grace and to leave it. So she's like, hey, your dad said he needed something in the shop or whatever you call that red building with the big doors And she's like, oh, yeah, okay, man, but I'm like Her dad's there. He's in the camera. He's on the fucking screen. No, no

I didn't notice him on the on the street, but like what he's He's the jet like that. He started this trap. She why would he not be there then? Right? Like we haven't seen the mom there. They should say your mom needs you to make perfect fucking sense, but where is the mom? She's just gone. She's made bacon cookies somewhere. She's she saw she's pulling cookies out of the eternal cookie.

So okay, Brooke goes back to the barn to see what her dad wants, but Dammit, if Jared's not waiting there for, and he brought her a necklace. Oh, yeah, he did. He brought her a pearl necklace. But he's like, I want to start over with you, Brooke. I want to have a good relationship. And she's like, well, cornering me in a barn is a shit start. Let me just tell you. And can I just say the writers are so stupid because they've written this is Jared's like

rapie aggressive scene, but it's also Jared's. I'm trying to get back with you seen. So he's presenting her with a necklace in a rapie aggressive manner. He's like, hey, oh, yes, I got you seen. So he's presenting her with a necklace in a rapier aggressive manner. He's like, Hey, yes, I got you this and you're going to wear it. All right. Oh, you'll be wearing this necklace. So he cut back to the trap shoot where basically Brooke keeps trying to give him an over the pants and he keeps slapping her hand away. Like a horse trying to keep flies off of it, shit with his tail or something. Right. And then he notices the dad is there and he's like wait a minute this does it add up at all something fishing is going on right there so we cut back to the bar. Jared is now getting as violent adjacent as this movie is comfortable getting. Cause I think this movie doesn't know what rape is based on its worldview.

So they were like, how many just grabs are shoulders? And they were like, yeah, shoulder grabs shoulder grab. Yeah. Well, right. Well, I think they just they didn't want to give grandma a heart attack. Right? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Her tinker can't really take a lot of moving around real fast type of shit.

So he's aggressively grabs her and Clint shows up and he's like, Hey, get real fast type of shit. So he's he aggressively grabs her and Clint shows up and he's like, Hey, get your hands off of her. Yeah. And now Jared and Clint have to have a fight. Okay. Oh, and what a fight it is. This is this these two dance captains. I don't know what the fuck. There's like, they might as well do like the kitten mittens, slappy slap. This is like, it opens, it opens with what's his name trying to kill him with a shovel. Right.

That's the thing. Right. His first act is like, all right, well, if I behead you with the shovel, I will win this fight. And then dad shows up and dad's like, get off my property. And he does. Hey, can I just say something? If someone ever tries to rape my kid, they will not be leaving my property. Right. Right. When no police, nothing. Just get off my property again. Like it's like a repeat with the thin, thinning hair guy.

And also the fucking heroic, I'll be back, you know, Ostele Vista baby line in this movie is, you kids get off my damn wall. Yes. And then he tells Brook to leave to it. He's like, you too little missy. He's literally rooter to it. He's like you too little missy. He's literally Rooter to the real estate agent that he is

The guy who tried to rape his daughter And then there's this great moment where Brook is like I'm not leaving without Clint's penis And he's like well, I'm not giving you my penis. She's like well, I guess I'm She's like I'm not leaving Clint's like please literally. She's like, I'm not leaving, Cliffs, like, please leave. And she's like, okay. And then is never seen for the rest of the fucking movie. Yes, she just changed his mind. Because she's like, yeah, right, we're not going to,

I'm not going to fight Grace now. That would be repetitive. So, oh, God almighty. I mean, just very quickly, I wish that there were like outtakes of the fight choreography. Is that what it is? It's so mean. I would watch that over and over again. Bryce, Bryce, get off my hair, dude.

Get off my hair. I can't do it with the shovel. Be careful with the shovel. Oh, Karen, it's my hair. It still hurts. Okay. So, yeah. So but Clint says, I sure am sorry that things got so violent and he leaves and he leaves for a week, right? Oh, I don't

think I noticed that. Yeah. I was in a coma by then. In a few Right. He leaves for a fucking week. We cut to the like I thought it was the next morning, but no, it's like six or seven days later. The families all have in breakfast and of course, they're still talking about how exciting that was and Grace is like, Hey, Dad, why would God let Brooke come here and fuck up all of the relationship thing that I had going with Clint and And as like, I'm a, I'm a Christian. So none of my claims ever have to stand up to evidence or logic. I don't understand why we, I'm sure we've explained this to you before.

Maybe God wanted you to fuck someone you never thought of. Honey, maybe there was someone under your nose the whole time. Would just absolutely destroy that thing. So, but mom's like, you know, and she's like, why would Clint Levy has, I'm seeing him in a week and she's like, maybe you should write him a letter about how awesome God is. And she's like, that's a great idea. That's a great idea. I should write a, that's a thing that people from this century have ever done. Sure. I will write him a fucking letter. So he cuts to her writing him

a fucking letter. Yup. In her little teenage room and her little girl room. Yes. Yeah. Dear Clint, I don't know where you are right now. Why are you gone? See you later. We just a big any sense. Yeah. But we cut to ask she's writing a letter. We don't make any sense. Yeah, but we cut to ask she's writing a letter. We cut to him and he's going back to Colorado or whatever to dig up that engagement ring and bring it

back. Oh, at first, we just see him digging. I want to him so badly to be burying Brooke. All right, problem solved. So now it's the next day or some time later or whatever. And dad's like, hey, are you guys ready to go on our big camping excursion? And she's like, what a weird way for you to say

that you're ready to leave. But okay, yeah, sure, like, exposition delivered, I guess. So they're out camping. We cut dads cooking some hot dogs or whatever. And he says, oh, you know what, I'm about ready. Drew, why don't you go get your sister? She's off looking at a over the edge of a mountain side into a sunset or something. I'm sure. I just to give everyone an idea of how bored I was by the movie at this point. I held merge mansion on my phone in front of the screen so I could play merge mansion while technically by definition watching

this movie at the same time. Oh, that's where I was. So yeah, so we cut to her like looking out over the fucking mountain side or whatever and who should show up but Clint? Aw. It turns out this whole camping excursion was his idea so that he could surprise ask her to marry him while her family was right there. Isn't that so sweet? And again, even though it's the fucking title of the movie, they do not reveal that the ring is a princess.

No, they sure don't. Which is like, was that purposeful? Was that meant, what are we meant to think that like she doesn't need the princess cut anymore? Or are they just all interested in it? They just forgot because the brain damage they got from that pumpkin spice latte, it's an end to it's pretty severe. I think they just couldn't get an actual diamond cut.

I think they were like, oh, that's it. No question. You just don't have that. No, they went to the nicest sales at their local mall and they were like, what can I get for 85 American dollars? And they're like, can we borrow this ring and they're like, fuck no. No, no, you can film it here in the store. That's it. We'll name it after the ring does not matter. We don't know anyone watching. Well, I'm on name and after the ring.

And Noah Eli and Amy who see the fuck with me. Wish I could fuck my daughter. And so, but she says yes. And then, and then we cut to like, I guess that a quick happily ever after wrap up scene. And they have this cutesy like, aren't you happy in our lives? And at a moment there's this kid that runs out and it's supposed to be like, look, we have a kid now. Except in my head, they just kidnapped a child

and she was escaping. And we see the resolution is that women are breeders. They're meant to breed. And we see the resolution is that women are breeders. They're meant to breed. She did not need to go to school. No, evil school. Just kills your brother. That's all school does. Exactly.

Make sure you have burping contests with your friends. Right. And the guy when secretly like her doctor husband is like 45 years old. Yeah, yeah, getting his AARP card at their wedding. All right, well, Amy, thank you so much for toughing it out with us. I know we ask a lot more of our guests and most podcasts do you've been a great sport. And it's been a ton of fun to have, y'all. Thank you so much, you guys. This was this literally made my entire I I want to say a whole year, which is really sad.

Life, life, my life, my life. Yeah, it's not, let's not understand it. My life's been changed. Thank you. And he's just going to walk out onto a dock with stones in her pockets when this is already so. She's so sad. Ah.

All right, well, that's going to do a further review of the Princess Cut. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still haven't learned our lesson about doing this thing every week. So Eli, tell us that's going to do it for a review of the Princess Cut. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still haven't learned our lesson about doing this thing every week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, no, next week we actually have an emergency episode. Oh, do it.

Oh, do it. Because on September 7th, the year of our Lord 2022, the right wing website, Breitbart, will be dropping their expose drama, mentoring about the president's son and God damn it. If we're going to miss it, we'll be watching My son hunter. Oh, is that the fucking one with like transphobic Mandalorian? Yeah, oh, oh, oh, all right. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna be episode three 68 to What merciful close was to get a huge thanks to Amy for helping us out with today and an even huge thanks to all the Patreon Donors to help make the show go if you'd like to catch up among the ranks You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com out with today and an even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch up with me on the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com-slash-god-offline

thereby earn an early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Aide Association, the D&D Minus, and the Skape Academy of Liberal World War Ever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can go to my God Off with movies at gmail.com.

Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the law, if this is a PN, or a retora, podcast live. So then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Grace and Clint went on to have awkward and deeply unsatisfying sex. Brooke and Jared went on to have that good, good psychosex and also break up in public on Facebook a bunch. Yeah, I found it. out. The preceding podcast was a production of BuzzleNet's Understrum LLC, Copyright 2022, all rights reserved.