God Awful Movies - 373: The Reconciler

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of The Reconciler, the story of a bunch of Christians watching Saw and thinking "Well, that's just a missed opportunity for evangelism." --- If you���d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Is reply he to feel remember is tell me unicorns are coming back to save the world. That's literally a line from the movie and it's not a propo of anything. It feels like Roddy Piper just agreed to do this movie if he got to say which end like he wrote up 12 sentences. He's like these are the sentences I'm going to say and I'm not going to share them with you before. I have 11 sentences that I dreamed when I took Piawbi out in the desert.

You have to madly bend me into your strip to using these somehow. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be Most of my immediate leftist my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back. Thanks Noah. I'm very excited about this one It's real dumb. It's pretty fucking dumb and sitting 900 my see I by resisted the Speaking of which segue that that

That would be mean but sitting 900 most of my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir? Hello Noah. If you ever want to escape this podcast, you will use an eye message. No. Welcome to our infinite episode, folks. All right. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the reconciler. It's the story of saw. They just straight up stole the movie. Yep. But with straight up stole, saw the movie. But with Jigsaw, locking people in a room until they become Christian.

That's pretty much it. You put a patient to the bad guy. It's what every Christian would be doing to their loved ones if they weren't liars who obviously don't believe that. Right, right. And again, like we can't emphasize this enough. This is not hyperbole. A Christian very clearly saw the movie saw and thought to themselves, well now that's a missed opportunity to profit.

They did though. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well if you love other people's work drama, but you wish it was framed as a life for death conflict, complete with kidnapping, knockout drugs, and a twist I promise you did not see coming. You will love this movie. Okay. I feel like you're joking, but like that would improve every story about work drama. I've ever had to hear from someone. That's true. That's true. That's good.

Now, I feel like we should just go ahead and point out the twist ending up front on this one. So spoiler alert here. The big twist at the end of it is that the monster, the demonic force that's kidnapping people and holding them and threatening to be killed them if they don't do what he wants is God. Is God, God, the Christian God. Tigsaw, the good guy. Yeah, so yeah, no, I just I felt like we had to point that out

up from because there's so much of this movie where it's just like as you look back over it and you're like God did that and then God did that right. Yeah, that I didn't want to cheat the listener of those realizations. You know how Machiavelli was definitely right about everything? That's what this one is about. And also God. Yeah. So was there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with an easy one, best worst title.

The Reckon Siler. The Reckon Siler. The Reckon Siler. And they get excited about it when they drop the title. Yeah. And it's the silliest name for a bad guy like supposed to be all scary. And it's like the Reckon's Siler maker upper. Yeah.

Yeah. We were joking about this the end of the last episode because I hadn't heard the title yet. But like, yeah, the Amelia Rader, it's so dumb. It's really fucking dumb. The guy who helps you work stuff out or where? Yeah. Right.

So, and speaking of which, I was going to go with best worse interpersonal conflicts. Yeah. Right. So, the whole movie is about like, God is, well, the record Tyler is forcing people, kidnapping people and forcing them to spend enough time together to get over their conflicts. But the conflicts are so, but no. Right. Like, I'm so, I'm dying for somebody to have fucked somebody's favorite goat or something

at some point. Anything. Anything. And it's just like, well, you were very rude the last time. Yeah. That's literally one of the conflicts. Yes. God never puts like Israel and the PLO in a right. It's like two idiot

brothers in fucking Kansas that doesn't matter. Let's let's spoil another one. One of the conflicts is between two brothers over religion and it's not even whether or not to be Christian. It's about no particular way in which they celebrate their identical Christianity. Right. But it's not even a denominational question. Yeah. It's the emo Phillips joke of the movie. Yes.

And so I'm going to, I'm going to go with a subtle one here. I don't know if you guys even picked up on this, but I'm going to go with best worst character having an obvious unacknowledged psychotic break, which one character. Yeah, multiple candidates here. This would be the newspaper editor who, if you pay careful attention, never says anything resembling a sane sentence. No, it is not. No, it is not. No, it is not. No, it is not.

And that would be rowdy, rowdy, piper. Yeah. That's what happens. And I'm not talking about like, oh, it's a Christian movie and we disagree with their ideas so we think it's crazy. I mean, everything that comes out of this man's mouth is an immediate medical cry for serious attention. And every other character in the movie will just be like, oh, well, I'll see you after lunch. I'm going to say the lines that were written in the script on my turn.

They're all like examples of joke examples of insane sentences that have no relation to each other. Yes. Because bats don't have ears. Like, it doesn't make any sense. Anything he says. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, this is far from the first time we've done a good guy kidnap strangers in the name of Jesus movie. So I need a minute to come to grips with the fact that that's a fucking genre. I mean, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll come back. We'll dive into all the felony apologetics that are the reconciler. Geath, Noah, wake up.

Dude, what happened? Yeah, we were just about to start a review of the reconciler and then next thing I know I'm I mean here what's happening? I know it's the recon siler. He knocked us out and locked us in this room and he even left us a note see? Noah, Heath and Eli for too long you have let a conflict sit among you as a company unresolved, work out your differences or you will be trapped here forever. Are, are differences about what? Oh, sorry, you didn't let me finish. If you can all agree on what the words next Friday mean, I'll let you go. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's easy. It's the next coming Friday, like the word next.

No, no, that is this Friday. Definitely this Friday. Next Friday is the Friday after this. No, no, that is this Friday. Definitely this Friday. Next Friday is the Friday after this Friday. No, that's insane. How can the next thing be two things later? If you're next in line, it means you're coming up, you know, next, not two people down the line. Okay, okay, so if next Friday means this Friday,

then what is the Friday after next to me? That means one Friday after the next coming Friday. You sound like a crazy person. That's insane. You hear that's insane, right? Think of the word next. The word next doesn't mean too late. It hasn't meaning.

We're gonna starve in here, aren't we? Good, I hope we do. Yeah, well, I hope you die next by which I mean first. Yeah, first. Or... Ha ha ha ha. See, that's what next means. Ha ha ha. next means. What?

What happened? Wait a second. Didn't we wake up to start the last sketch? Yeah, but it's a really clean open for the concept. Yeah, I know that's fair. Anyway, who's this guy? Oh, yeah, hey, I'm Greg from the big wireless store. Oh, yeah, we got our phones with you last year.

Mm-hmm. Man, after all those hidden fees and contract loopholes, they ended up costing us a bundle. Yeah, yeah, sorry about that. So do you know how we get out of here? Uh, yeah, yeah, there's a note. It says here, the only way to reconcile with our big cell phone company is to sign up for Mint Mobile. Wait, what's Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month. And now for the plot twist. Nope. There isn't one. Nice.

Enjoyed that little say got there. Right? Seriously, mint mobile just has premium wireless from $15 a month. There's no trapping you into a two year contract or opening the bill to find those crazy fees. There's no lowering you in with free subscriptions to streaming services that you'll forget to cancel and be charged full price for. No, there is none of that. It's true. I switched to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor and the only difference I've noticed is saving hundreds of dollars on my phone bill each month. Get premium wireless from just $15 a month and no unexpected plot twists at MintMobile.com slash game. That's mintmobile.com slash game. Seriously, you'll make your wallet very happy at mintmobile.com slash game.

All right, well, I guess we're reconciled then, huh? Yeah, yeah. I would like to talk to you about that screen protector you sold me with the lifetime warranty though. I mean, you just got to register for your rebate and then order a new one from the website with your 11 digit customer number and you're all set We should kill and eat him kill and eat him. Yes

We're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on a dip pen and an inkwell as an off screen character prepares a couple of old timey letters. Yeah. Spoiler, this is God, right? Oh, yeah, right. I didn't know that at the time. I was like, okay, a calligrapher is writing a ransom note, waits and nicely. That's weird. Yeah, but kind of yes, they're just keeping it up on the board at the police station. We didn't want to throw it away. But of course, with the spoilers now I'm picturing God at a stationary store and just like, Well, right. Wow, this stuff is pretty expensive.

I mean, can you make this yourself at home? No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah, so either God just, you know, like could have just made the letter up here but chose not to, or he made somebody else to do this shit, which is even worse. God's cutting out magazine letters.

You're God, you can just make anything. What do you do? Are those safety scissors? Yeah. Also, so speaking of safety, there's this moment where the guy is he's gonna like put a seal on the on the letter old time. So he's got the little candle to like drip onto it,

but he's like clearly is holding it at the wrong angle and burning his thumb and is committed to the bit. So he doesn got the little candle to like drip onto it, but he's like clearly is holding it at the wrong angle and burning his thumb It's committed to the bit so he doesn't stop Crazy billionaire remake is just we get that original audio of the guy being like it's good. It's good keep filming I want to wax seal my stuff from now on. Like I'm going to send Tony DR accountant everything in wax sealed envelopes. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So then we open up on two guys zonked out in a warehouse, not for nothing. Many of my best memories start like this, but but guy one walks wakes up. This is smitty, right? Sort of. Asterisk. Yeah. Right. So he wakes up first and he looksitty, right? Sort of. Asterisk. Yeah, right. So he wakes up first and he looks around there, locked in this basement.

So he sees like a keypad and just starts randomly pushing buttons to see if one of them is open the door. His first thought, he's like, I got kidnapped by a Christian fundamentalist. What do I do? I'm going to guess a code on a door. How many numbers could there possibly be? And they get into that question and it's so dumb. Oh, okay. How awesome would it be if the rest of the movie was just this guy

being like 1114? 1115. Don't worry, we don't need to learn anything. 1116. The real number was all zeros and he forgot that one. He started at 0, 0, 0, six. Oh, the real number was all zeros and he forgot that when he started at zero, zero, zero, one. Yeah.

All right. So, but then when that doesn't work, he slams himself into the door, but that also doesn't work. Astros. Yeah. Yeah, he does. He very much accidentally opened the door. Yes.

And so we get another take of him running into it. You know, just like. Yeah. We get another take of him running into it, you know, Jett, yeah. And his third thought is to do a little TikTok video. Where else he's in with his 2015 flip phone. Yeah. Well, yeah, so he's looking for a cell service. I feel like that's step one. Oh, I also thought he was examining the scene.

He was moving around up the phone camera. Okay, he's looking at cell service. Why wouldn He was putting you around the flip phone camera. Okay, he's looking at the cell service. Why wouldn't the kidnapper take the phone? Right. Yeah, how confident are you in the shitty cell service in that area? I guess the kid, the kid, the kid, God was like, oh, that's a, that's a flip phone.

Well, that's true. Well, I guess probably God can just be like, I'm gonna knock out the service for this. What do you got? MCI, do they even exist? That, fine. Flash cut to God and heaven. He can just be like, I'm gonna knock out the service for this. What do you got? MCI, do they even exist? That is fine. Flash cut to God and heaven.

Also, we're gonna need to block AT&T. Yeah, there's not a better way to block AT&T. And somebody would get me another inkwell. What's Google Fi? So this fails and then he looks around, he finds a bathroom and that's, he finds like a bathroom and some canned food, and that's when he knows they're in for the long haul, right?

Yeah. So then he goes to the other guy who hasn't woke up yet, and he picks up the dude's cane and starts poking him with it. This is ad if that's the second guy. Yeah, and he holds it like a, like I'm gonna hit you with it, most of you are like, who are you? What are you doing down here?

And he's like, I'm disabled and I woke up down here the same as you. And he's like, right, this was a weird way for me to wake you. Yes. He's like, did you slam into the door, press some random codes into the keypad? And he's like, yeah, man, I already tried that. He's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Ed's first idea is guessing the code also. But then he's like, yeah, that's, you know, what, probably a four digit thing. There's like 10,000 possibilities. If it's five digits, that's 10,000 times 10, which is like, wait, wait, wait. What's that?

He doesn't do the math on that. I love this so much because the actor who played Ed clearly doesn't realize how you arrive at that answer. No. Because he thinks about it. He says, yeah, four digit number. So there could have how many combinations? There's like, I said, like, carry the three, 10,000,

you know, so like, dude, that's really things you either know or don't, right? See, don't do the math on it. Right. Yup, nope. Yeah, I know I got it. I just did that. I just worked that out.

Do you remember how logarithms work? It's the what? It's the top. And then you bring it down. Fuck, it's a lot. So, okay. logarithms work? It's the what? It's the top. And then you bring it down. Fuck, it's a lot. So, okay, so he's like, what's your name? And Smitty, he goes, my name is Smith. Smitty, I'm not lying.

Are you lying? My name is Smith. I'm normal. Real, my name is Smitty. Real name. And so, by the way, there's never a reason for him to be lying about his name here. No. This doesn't pay off in any way. That's just this actor's choice. Yeah, I feel like

he improvised that like the actor, the director was like, Hey, man, just don't I use like, but I want to be named smiddy. And he was like, no, and then you like got a big smile when the camera started. Smiddy is my name. And so he's like, yeah, I'm Smitty, I'm Ed. And Ed's like, hey, can I have my cane back? Cause I need it to like walk. And he's like, right, right. But then the actor immediately forgets the fucking limp and walks over to the other side of the room with that limp.

Right. He's like, hey, look over here. It looks like somebody's bricked in a window over there. Maybe we're in a basement. I'm like, you're very obviously in a fucking basement. And Smitty immediately, like, tries to scrabble up the wall and hurts himself. Like, instant, I was like, hey man,

can you chill for a goddamn second? I don't know if you've ever gotten like a bat in your house or a bird in your ass. That's what Sm he's going with. The level of stupidity of Smitty is one of my favorite through lines of this movie and it starts here. He's like, I'm going to climb up this palette and examine the wall up here. And Ed is like, dude, you're obviously going to hurt yourself.

And there it is. You fell and you hurt yourself. I hurt myself. At this moment, I was like, okay, please just pan over to Jigsaw like watching the hidden camera feed being like, wow, my God, they're too stupid for my thing to work. They're not need to do anything release one. I'm going to have to just tell them how to use the escape room clues that are very obvious. Right. Well, so that's the other thing too, is that climbing up on this palette gets him,

you know, a palette's worth of closer. You can't see more shit. The ed is down there going, do you see anything else from up there? Why would he see anything else? He's not looking over top of anything. Oh, yeah, there's an exit sign. Inside the brick I was looking at. It says go here to leave.

So all right. So then we cut over to a newspaper where we're gonna meet Laurie now this is the lady from I was at the borrowed Christmas where somebody rented her for China and decided it was so nice he wanted to keep it. Oh, she's a veteran. Yeah, yeah, she's she's this is not her first god off a movie. Gentlemen, how long would you say this movie spends watching this woman sound out her typing? My guess is eight and a half hours. Okay.

Yeah. I was gonna be in the same ballpark. I'll take the over. I did enjoy that moment though, because it was like, I am typing a story for. And then a coworker's like to yourself. Yes. Everybody else is like, no, I'm writing what you're saying, you idiot. Yeah.

No, I gotta say, I honestly, I do that a lot when I write diatribe's. I like say it, so I can't make too much fun of her. But oh, you want to play this game? My cubicle neighbor says every single thing. There's also this great moment. She's writing about a wedding. She's doing a story about a wedding. And she says, they had a beautiful, back space, back space, on elegant wedding.

It's she's a writer, dammit. She's a writing writer pulls out of the tourist confirms. Yeah, that does a beautiful and elegant. So yeah, so then the boss calls her over now. The boss is Roddy Piper. I didn't recognize him at first without the rowdyness, right? Yeah, no, he's not very rowdy. No, he's also a god awful movies veteran.

Is he? What else was he in that we did? Yeah, he was in the wrestling one, the masked saint. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I call him for the rest of my notes. I call him in recovery recovery, Piper. Yeah.

He's a sorbo, like lower case ass as like a new name. He's one of those like I sort of had a career as an actor and then had to just do Christian moves. I was in there. He had the decency to die, but you know, otherwise a sorbo. Come on sorbo. Come on step it up.

Come on Kevin, rooting for you buddy. So yeah, so the bus calls her over and he's like, Hey, I got and he's the voice thing he's doing. He's going for like, it's like he's in an improv sketch where he drew various stages of throat cancer as his character track. Right? Yeah. So he'll be very at least scratchy as he says this, but he's like, I've got a real story

for you. Not this wedding crappin'. She's like, oh, finally, a real story. And then he proceeds to explain what the real story is. I cannot tell you what that was, except to quote his entire weird fucking monologue. Thank you. It's insane.

It's nothing. It's there are no single word is related to the next word after it. No, yeah, there are sentences, but they don't like attach to meanings. It's so fucking weird. It's nonsense. Okay, here's what I remembered. Correct me if I'm wrong. He says, I look out here. He looks at his window. He's like, I look

out here and I see, well, the blinds, you can't remember. I don't know how the mechanism works, but if I were to look out through them, I would see solar panels and equal rights. Yes. So he saw an equal right out the window one time. Right. Yeah. Now he was looking out the window and an equal right flew by. Okay. Yep. And then he explains, well, here's the thing, the planet and, you know, basic humanity, those solar panels and equal rights, all that stuff comes at a cost. We put God on the sideline. So that's the story he wants. Yeah. So now you have gone above and beyond the call of duty and making a sense of what like he doesn't say anything anywhere near that coherent. No, those were not the words.

Yeah. Right. That is what he was supposed to be getting at. But yeah, he bigly bitches about kids these days while admitting that electric vehicles are still pretty cool. At one point, he goes, because you know what happens when you take down a fence and she says freedom and he goes, no, gray. Yes. And we watch in the movie. She's like, what? Just staring at him. You want me to write? And he's like, right about what I just said. And she's like, you want a think piece about fences preventing gray, the concept. Right. And he's like, yes, my editor is having. Yeah, she even says at the end of his monologue, she says, so what do you want me to write about? And he goes, what I just said, I felt so sorry for her in that moment. Go work her in the next cubicle. Routy, routy, hyper, I think is awesome and might

be having a stroke. Yeah. And then when she takes the assignment, she goes, it's not wiki leaks, but it'll do. I wrote my notes, Wikileaks isn't the admirable journalism movie fixes. Clearly. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, but the story, once you translate it out of insane person, having a mental breakdown, the story she's going to write out is our equal rights worth all the religion that we lost. That's the movie spoiler alert. No. no, the answer is no. Thank you. Yes. Honestly, the article is going to end up as the 50s really lost the thread. Yes. So, all right. So we cut back to Ed and Smithy's warehouse. Smithy asked about the cane and as he was in a car accident, this also will never come back or matter. No. Yeah.

Speaking of which, I wrote down at this point because of the exterior shot at the beginning, I was like, oh, so this warehouse basement is next to a train track. Interesting. That's going to be a clue. And then I was like, why am I noting clues like it's going to matter? There's no way this is going to matter. No, no, no. None of the clues ever matter.

For example, they sit here and they talk for a while. Ed is a reporter, smiddy is a graphic designer and neither of those things will ever be relevant to the plot. They just figured they had to fill this space with talking. Yeah. Smiddy at one point, this movie is so poorly written that they leave a wrong clue in the dialogue here. He goes, yeah, you know, I was hanging out with my girlfriend, last time, remember, but don't worry. She's not that kind of girl. And I wrote my notes. She's not the kind of girl that would drug you

and lock you in a basement with a stranger. I need to meet that kind of girl. Yeah, I was gonna say. Yeah, but that's the whole fucking scene. They're like, well, we don't know each other and have no obvious connection. I'm like, yeah, wait a ramp up the tension guys. It's literally, we literally watch a scene in a movie where guys are like, oh, do you

know Stephanie over at the carnival? No, I do know a Stephanie, but yeah, she lives in Wisconsin. Okay, cool. I have some family in Wisconsin. Cool. Cool. We're trapped in a basement. So then we cut back to Laurie. She's out doing research for her fence story and she's going to start by talking to her

mom's priest about how awesome religion is. Oh my God. This of all the dark fantasies this represents of like Christian grandmas isn't the number one like and I bet you'd go and talk to my preacher who would who would tell you a thing or two about blocking me on Facebook. By the way, I should put out this scene opens on the third ugliest piece of art. Oh my God. Thank you. My my notes are rain in a tree. No, it's a dumb crucifix. It's a dumb crucifix. Yeah. Oh, it's so fucking ugly. Oh, so this is just a weird fucking rule of movie making Why can't the person that the priest is talking about and the priest ever sit in the same goddamn row? Yeah, they sit like their spies meeting in a park to do it

So yes, so but the priest explains that the problem in America is the systematic removal of God from the system. Yeah. She even says, would you say the last 60 years have gotten better or worse? And he's like, that's a tricky question not counting black people. And she's like, that is a tricky question. I'm not counting black people. And gay people. Yeah.

But he explains that America was founded as a Christian nation. Freedom was Jesus' idea. Like Jesus. He thinks he's gonna get ahead of us here. He's like, right, now look, technically we're not a theocracy, but the founding fathers wanted us to be in their heart.

Yes. But he explains that back then, people didn't just have the Christian religion. They had a relationship with Christ. That's even better. And then he's like, so are you going to interview any other religious leaders? And she's like, yeah, that's kind of the whole thing. And he's like, why don't you just interview these different congregants of mine who can

tell you how awesome Jesus is? And she's like, yeah, it's real hard to find people who will tell you how awesome Jesus is. Thank you for the list. I was going to get sort of an overview of religion, but now that you bring up the idea of just doing your one, yes, I think that is a better article. I'm an impartial atheist newspaper reporter. Yeah.

Do those congregants know about, you know, fences and gray, the color at all? Yeah. And so to be clear, you know, like, her assertion to this priest is like, you know, it's gotten very weird in the world now because the term, the graying of America, she defines as this new reality where nobody knows the line between right and wrong anymore. And there are no clear lines. And I'm like, no, there are clear lines. You don't like them because they include you not using the n-word

right to be clear the graying of ideas for this movie is the civil rights movement right there even have the decency to be home of phoenix there like i'm just saying my kids go to school with black people it's all gone they go to pick up again yet that the fact that they started off with equal rights as an awful lot. So then we head over to a soup kitchen where I'm like, okay, but can you balance this out by going to a report like a support group for Catholic pedophile scandal victims or something?

You do both. They cannot. Okay, you guys are going to have to tell me what is said in the scene because I was entirely 100% distracted by this actor's inability to pour soup out of a ladle. He's swinging it around his head trying to use centrifugal force to get it into a bowl. He's nailed to the wall. I've literally never seen a human being unable to use a ladle to this extent. literally never seen a human being unable to use a label to this extent. So, okay, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, but no, the people ask effort that he makes to lay to, that no soup gets into the fucking ball. It's insanity. Because in the first attempt, this, again, you are literally gonna have to tell me what words come out of his mask is in the first attempt. He feels belated up too much

and he starts to take it out of a bowl and starts to spill and he's like, fuck, I'm losing soup. Then he just holds it in there in terror for the rest of the scene. But then right before the scene ends, he will pull out a fucking teaspoon of soup. It's the best. But it's too bit, the ladle is too unwieldy, so we can't

dip it enough to get it. And he's got soup all over his face, like a little kid eating too fast by the end of it somehow. And it's the best. And he does the thing where Woody he wears it, the soup goes backwards on the ladle and then falls off the back of the ladle away from the bowl and it's just splashing against the action. I didn't know you could be this bad at late weddings.

My angle is hot. What happened? Yep. Crazy billionaire remake by the end of this scene, this actor is just in a bathtub of soup like Karen Fiddly putting progressive arts. Yeah, so, but she says, do you think that, you know, because she very clearly wants to fuck the soup ladle, right? That is the expression that she's using there.

Or maybe it's just a knowing, I know how to lay no soup in this asshole. I don't know. Is a good looking guy. I like the soup ladle or guy. No, I know, yeah, no judgment there. So yeah, so she's like, do you think God is disappearing from the world and he offers up an analogy? He says, you know, God's like a river.

Even when you block it, it finds a way to flow. And I'm like, no, no fuck it does. Okay, but no, you can stop a river. You can, for sure. Do you mean you personally create like you can stop a river. You can, for sure. Do me and you personally create like you tried putting a stick, you can make a river go the opposite direction. Chicago did it.

Yeah, that's what a dam is, Craig. Actually pretty easy to stop a river. You just have to put somewhere for the water to collect. Like you rejecting modernity to the extent that you think a river can't be stopped. It's actually a great metaphor for religion, Craig. So you know, back on board. Right.

Yeah. No, his analogy is accidentally way right or than he intended it to be. And Christian idiots in their opinion about climate change is actually stopping rivers. And God is going. It's perfect. Interesting. Yeah. So then she says to him, it doesn't bother you as a Christian that kids can't pray in

school anymore. And then even the movie has to admit that's bullshit, right? He's like, well, kids pray in school all the time. She says, oh, oh, yeah, no, of course. Let me rephrase that. Does it bother you that the institution of prayer has been banned? And I'm like, that's exactly as bullshit as the last phrasing. Pretty much the same question.

Yeah. Does it bother you that they don't force kids? Yes, right, which is what she's actually asking, but if you phrase it that way, then it's obvious that you're the fucking bad guy even to you, so yeah. Right, and so he's gonna tell us some lies about China. Yes, where he came from, even believing in God is illegal.

Yes, it's illegal to believe in God in China. Yes. And praying is an arrestable offense. Yes. And so the conclusion by the movie here is, okay, well, there's two options. It's either Christian theocracy in America, or we put weggers in concentration camps right now. Yes, right. Right. Yeah. And he's like, you know, when, when I was becoming a citizen, he was obviously bored in America. But he says, when I was becoming a citizen, I learned a lot about the founding fathers and how much they prayed. Now, I want to be super clear when like Ben Franklin suggested opening up the continental Congress with a prayer, nobody else wanted to do it so they didn't do it. Like literally Ben Franklin wrote a thing in his fucking

diary about, oh, nobody wants to fucking pray, I guess. Okay. All right. That's fine. You just all fuck myself. No, I feel like you're muddying waters with historical facts that are demonstrable. Also, we just started to point out that while they're having this conversation, there are dramatic. The orcs are coming over the hill drums, which is also really confusing.

It's just, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so yeah, I think maybe the music was capturing the emotion of the soup guy trying to ladle soup more. Yeah. If you just use the soup space work, then the drums makes sense. Yeah, or maybe you saw how over the top, the poor people at the soup kitchen were and decided that like maybe the orcs were coming over the hill. Sure. Yeah. No, that makes sense. All right. So, okay. So meanwhile, Smitty is just checking to see if maybe he didn't slam into the door hard enough last time. And now Ed is checking for cell service. Still no. Guys, somebody name another for a digit number. I don't

know if we've checked them all. Is there an order we could do the, you know what, let's just let's freebase it tomorrow. Let's really get in there. And then after we believe they have been in there for, I'm going to say a non zero amount of time, Smitty, we must believe for the first time, reaches into his pocket and is like, huh, a key. Yes. Right. So, okay. So sorry, just leading into that. They're like, you know, what is the last thing you remember? Ed's like, well, I fell asleep on my couch and then I woke up here. I fell asleep watching a movie. I'm like, Smith, Ed, you're wearing a fucking tie. You fell asleep on your couch wearing a tie with your wallet in your pocket. It was an old movie. He was dressing room for it. So, but yeah, so that he's like, oh, do I have,

somebody's like, oh, do I have my wallet? And he, that's when he reaches in and he realizes he's got a key. It's got a key. You have to be doing an escape room with my bridal party to miss. Again, Jigsaw's like, fuck, he just goes into the room. It's a key in your pocket. God damn it. There's a key in your pocket. This is really Can't record you need a fucking clue. Okay, you get three clues

God, so He's but yeah, so he's like, oh, hey, look, I found a key and it just so happens that there's a great big chest right here Because apparently we're in a fucking Zelda dungeon all of a sudden So they unlock the the big chest and wouldn't you know what, there's a body in there. Is it a dead body? Well, the the phrasing body kind of gives that away right? Because he's like, look, it's a body and then smitty goes into the dead body. He's like, why the fuck would I call it a body otherwise?

But it's not. It's not just something that was in the chest. Yeah. And then we get to watch these actors spend an Infinitum amount of time trying to get their fellow actor out of the box, but he's too heavy. Yes Boy did they overestimate their ability to pick that man up? Live with your legs now. Oh fuck. He's in the trunk. We got to do it with our but god damn it Why is it why is it a trunk? Why did it need to be a trunk at all? It could have just been the other room.

Just any other space, no trunk, yeah. Yep, accomplished nothing. So yeah, but they pulled the guy out of the trunk and it turns out that's Mitty's twin brother Alex. Yeah. So Alex, they wake Alex up with some smelling salts that were conveniently included along with his care package. I liked that saw, saw where the Jake saw put two smelling salts in in case they fucked

up the first one. Also, they very clearly popped real smelling salts in front of this actor because that you're not supposed to do that. By the way, they're bad for you. So they're like, oh, this will wake him and he's like, oh, I'm awake now. What do you explain that? So Alex and Spinning's explained that they're twin brothers and Ed has a theory about what's going on. He's like, wait a minute. Are you two angry, a strange brothers that hate each other? And he's like, well, yeah, we are. He's like, aha, it's the reconciler.

Yeah. And this is the big drop of the title. And the movie actually does a zoom in and a piano. Yes. Right after the word reconciler. I forgot. Also, we just have to point out that for the rest of the movie, the two twin brothers will be, I'm going to say an instant half from each other's faces for all of their dialogue. Pretty much, yeah. I don't know what tripod didn't fit into what corner, but just when we narrate the rest of the movie, assume that the two twin brothers will have their faces smushed together. Like they're doing

some kind of sexy twister. So they're like, yeah, who's the reconciler? He's like, oh, he kidnapped people and forces them to fix their relationships. So he starts telling us this story. So we flash back to the story of the reconciler reconciling to narcotics cops that didn't get along to partners that didn't get along so well. Right. So we cut to them. They're waking up in their car in a warehouse. Yeah. This was almost my best worst was best worst dumb cops because they wake up. They were obviously watching a warehouse and they go, where did the warehouse go? Yes. Which means that their first hypothesis was that the building they were watching disappeared

rather than the vehicle they were in moved. She has to actually explain that to him. She's like, no, you idiot. We moved. And he's like, right, that is so much easier to explain. We're detectives. We're going to learn in a second that they're the best goddamn detectives in the business. Well, now that he knows about elsewhere, yeah.

So they go to get out of the car, but the car door won't open. And they're like, oh, well, there's no other way out of a car. So I guess we're stuck here. Yeah. So that's dumb, but even Dumber, the cop on the right, what was her name? Stacy. Stacy says to other cops, she's like, okay, we're locked in this car. Are you doing another anesthesia prank where you, and he's like, no, what?

Yeah. I mean, it's, it's funny how this tracks with stuff I've done, but no, no, no, we're just, yeah, I just locked in this car. How come you always blame me when we wake up from an adventure? Because so far it's been you every single time. I'm just saying, it's not mean it always will be. So yeah, so they're building Stacy, the only two cops that ever referred to each other by their first names.

And so she's like, all right, well, you know, the doors won't open. The next stop in trying to get out of a car is to shoot the window out with my gun. Yep. trying to get out of a car is to shoot the window out with my gun. Yup. So she pulls out her gun, but damn it if her bullets aren't missing. Really wanted the reconciler's note to be like, wow, shit, I'm glad I took the bullets out of your gun. Fuck you, lunatic.

But also you just whack the fucking window. You have a gun. That would be a great thing to hammer a fucking window out with. Yeah, but whoever's mom's SUV they use. There was a very clear understand. This is the weakest we can't get out of the space moment in the movie. Oh, yeah, because they can't even fake try the handles, right? They didn't even think of the child locks. So they're just like, oh, waggle, waggle, handle noise, waggle, waggle. Well, they're the front seats. So yeah, that was what are you going to do? You're right, mate.

Couldn't. If we watch them just like try to scramble from the front to the back seat for a while, they, they, ow, ow, we can't do it at the same time. You're in my face. It's in my face. You're smooching me. So okay, so yeah, so she realizes that her god, her bullets are missing, his bullets

are missing. And as he's looking for more bullets, he finds a tiny voice recorder in his pocket. This is where we hear the reconciler's destroyed voice. This is apparently God, right? This is God's voice. Yes. This is God using a voice recorder. It's such a shitty, shitty little device too.

And they turn it on. And I want God to be like, hello, yes, it's a zoom. It's a respected brand. It's a zoom. I'm kidnapping you. So, but they do, they, they finally hear that yes, they've been kidnapped by a serial kidnapper. Yes.

They also didn't have real voice distortion abilities. So it is just a guy going like, hello. Yeah, it is. It's me. It's all going to do us through pantyhose or something. Yeah. I spent a really long time trying to figure out how to do that thing in, you know, in iBovie Pro, but I couldn't.

So it's just me. I remember. Hold on, my pop filter slide down. It's all right. Just a second. Just a second. So yeah. So, but he had, he tells them the voice recorder tells them that they have to work

out their feelings, dammit. And once they're reconciled, he'll let them out of the car. I also like he's sort of a he's like an HR rep. He's doing it as a compliment sandwich. He's like, look, you're damn good cops, all right? I'm really I'm proud of both of you. I think you've done some incredible work, but I am going to murder you. I will kill you if you don't work this shit out.

All right, well, I'll do it. This movie clearly got bored with itself and tried out a different plot. So we're going to give it a minute to work through its issues, but we'll be back after the break with even more of the reconciler. The record's harder. Reconciler. Okay. All right.

So we're agreed that because Heath tore out and ate the pages of the Scrabble Dictionary that we're in a truce until he reproduces them as it comes to the this Friday next Friday conversation. Yeah. Yeah. No, agreed. So, um, you guys want to suck each other's dick?

Dude! What? What? We're trapped in here. We're supposed to be abstinent the rest of our lives because we're trapped in here. The rest of our lives we've been in here 45 minutes. 45 minutes max. Oh, excuse me.

I didn't realize there was an official waiting period before we were allowed to suck each other's dicks. Please enlighten. No, it's not like there's a set time. Right, but just 45 minutes is way too early Yeah, okay, but you're admitting that eventually we will start sucking each other's decks I don't know man. Yeah, yeah, maybe well, yeah, I guess eventually So I'm just cutting to the chase right why are we having a bunch of uncomfortable non-dick sucking time for no reason?

Okay, I feel like maybe he has a point. Seriously? What? The chase-cutting thing, it kind of makes sense. Hey, Heath, we only need to. We just need to go for a ride. Okay, no, wait a second. You guys can't just suck each other's dicks without me. That'll be weird.

Sorry, man, you snooze, you lose. No, no, no. You guys try to do a dick suck and stuff without me, and I'm just going to wreck it the whole time. I'll just be I'll stand right next to you going like old grandma boobs or something. Yeah, okay. I mean, you think that's going to hinder my personal experience with this? Yeah. No, no, no, fair enough. But, but, but come on, guys, let's try to get out a little bit longer and then if it doesn't work out, I'm all for sucking each other's dicks. Fine, fine. But let's just agree on how long we have to wait. Okay. Yeah. What about we wait till next Friday? Oh, wait.

No, that's in the past for you guys. There's a lot of time to mention makes sense at all. Moving to society. Now we're from our sponsor better help. Hey podcast listener. You know, today's episode got me thinking, resolving conflict with the people in your life can be tricky. That's right, but kidnapping is illegal. In fact, we know all too well, Heath, all too well.

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Mm. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin Ed wrapping up the first half of his comp story for Smitty and Alex. Now, keep in mind, he only told them the first half of the story because they want to like save the the resolution for the third act. So what we have to imagine is Ed's like, and the first half of this story is anyway, I'm done. I'm done. Now it doesn't matter how it ends yet. And that will have to wait until a different day. It's like, and you're just staring into the middle.

Now, did you do a jingle? Are you doing commercials in your head right now? As? Yeah, but say he explains it. Nobody ever figured out quite how the reconciler pulled that off. And then Smitty and Alex realized that Ed doesn't really fit in, right? He's like, well, wait a minute. If the reconciler kidnaps people who have strained relationships, why the fuck are you here? We don't know you. And it's such a bad job of the movie still trying to pretend that like we don't know. This is very clearly Jigsaw there, you know?

And he's like, I'm part of the, I, I'm a journalist. I gave him the name reconciler. So probably he just, you know, two words once done combined us decided to include me in one of his kidnapping combo kidnapping, you know, for efficiency. I don't want to say I'm here for an exposition, but that's the best. That is the best and actually the less stupid answer than the real one. So yeah. Yeah, he says, yeah, you know, I, I've been writing about the reconciler for a while. Now at my newspaper and I'm like, and it, and you needed to see his brother before it occurred to you that the stranger you woke up kidnapped next to might be the victim of the kidnapper who kidnapped strangers and locks him in rooms that you've been writing about.

Look, I wake up kidnapped next to strangers all the time. I don't want to make assumptions about why I wake up kidnap next to strangers all the time. I don't want to make assumptions about why I wake up next to a stranger. This is why I always go watch a movie in a full suit. Yeah, right. So that I'm ready to wake up next to a stranger. So then we get into who everyone thinks the reconciler might be. He might be the son of the richest man in the state. And we spend a bunch of time on that guy's tragic backstory which will never factor into the movie and even the slightest fucking way.

This is the most insultingly stupid part of the movie and they all know who's being referred to. Yeah. Like, do you know who the richest person in your state is if you're not in like Jeff Bezos's state or Zuckerberg state is Ted Turner still alive. I don't know. Right. They always have that in these stupid Christian movies like why he's the richest man in town. I have no idea who the richest man in my fucking town is. Yeah. I mean, Noah, it's you. I'm not saying that because you're rich. I'm saying that because you're

exactly. Yeah, no, that's your probably right. He done got himself new teeth. You'll see that. He got a four slash toaster. So, yeah, so he's like, yeah, but this doesn't really fit with the reconciles M O because normally he'll leave letters explaining what's going on. And they're like, you know, we didn't look in the trunk after we took Alex out. I was like, why the fuck wouldn't you do that? Oh, well, they haven't looked anywhere. So why are you sure? Yeah.

He didn't look in his own pocket earlier. So, you know, you're right. I know we're blank slate. We're buckaraza here. They go into the trunk and I still want an Alex to have peed in there. Well, because he's in the frow. It's right. So sorry.

Are you shitting the entire time you were in the you guys to go out and find me. Who is on you? And then you check your stupid fuck pockets, man. It's just God hose. He got a trunk in the back of his warehouse. I've got to be a better way to get people to make up. I use the trunk though. I'm literally I'm nip it.

That's why I would if they fully the I were I'm nip it. Yeah, exactly. So, okay. So, but they find three notes, one addressed to each of them, and they take turns reading them. Right. Smithie's note says, work out your issues or die in this basement, essentially. Right. Yeah. So the escape room requires I feel language while you recognize. And that's the message to the two twin brothers. Right. They have to I feel language while you recognize. And that's the message to the two twin brothers. Right.

They have to, I feel each other with, you know, family therapy to get out. Yeah. No, Alex reads his note and he's like, yeah, hey, man, you try to encourage your brother, but you kind of badgered him a little bit. It's just like, is that the goddamn conflict that this movie is based on? Yes, it is. This is what the God of the universe has focused on. Yes, right.

And then of course Ed's note says, you have one week for Alex and Smitty to work them with their shit out. And then I guess two of you will kill the third. And then you have however long he lasts. And then you'll all die, right? Yeah. And so Ed's like, you know what,

I have another flashback about the reconciler to share the first half of with you guys. Yeah. Well, it seems like it's literally a life or death situation for you guys to work out your conflict. But before you do, I have yet another yarn. Yeah, these messages will be right back. Well, yeah, he says, you know, he's like,

what do you think that the reconciler would actually kill us? And he's like, oh man, this guy does not mess around. Have you heard the story of the soldier and his son? They got reconciled and it's like, dude, they'd never heard of the recon seller. How the fuck could they have heard that story? Have you read the script for this movie by H.S.? Right, but also the setup here is that like, yeah, he doesn't fuck around. He'll kill you. But then he doesn't kill this, these people. No, I was really excited for him for to see people whose reconciliation didn't work out

to the death. Yeah. So, okay, so we cut to a soldier and his son, his, his, you know, I got 17 year old son or whatever, waking up in a forest. Now, the actor who plays the soldier, I'm in love with this guy. All right, first of all, he's fucking ripped. So it's easy to be in love with him. But also at this point in his career, his stage name was,

I am not making this shit up. Zander Steel. Zander Steel. Yeah. Yeah, he gave up on it. I think his name is Aaron Andrews or something. He went back to that after this move. Hey, podcast listener, picture Zander Steel. You ready. You went back to that after this movie. But hey, podcast listener, pictures, Zander Steel.

You ready? You picturing it? You nailed it. You absolutely nailed it. Yeah. All of my notes throughout this movie are just, wow, me and Zander Steel have identical physiques like, I wonder if he needs a body double or someone to do some stunt work. When you look at Zander Steel from the back, you're like, is that Elon?

Yeah, you want looks. Yeah, except he's got a full head of hair there. But yeah, all in his rider for his like local theater that he does, he has to win every fight with Vin Diesel and the rock. Yep. Yeah. If he ever, if Vin Diesel ever comes and does the local community production of the music man, there's going to be a big conflict.

He's losing a fight to Zander steel. Yeah. All right. So, but he wakes up and a forest together and they're all, they're handcuffed, right? Well, they have these really long shackles, I guess, that they're cuffed together with. Both of them simultaneously think, well, what if we just pull the handcuffs off our hands, but that does not work? No. And there's enough slack in this chain for them to like get all tangled up in it. And that's what I was reading for this whole time. And it never happens. Yes.

Exactly. It's sad. No, never a kitten mittens situation. You really know, part. Also, can we just say that this is the lowest stakes of the record, the silers, record silations somehow even lower than these two cops don't get along and these two brothers don't get along. Yeah. Right. Not not even that, not even relationship wise, but in terms of where they are and what they're limited to, right? Because all these

people had to do was like walk a bit further without making up. They had to go on a nice little hike together. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Cause they, they, he finds his note and he's like, oh, the keys to the handcuffs are at the top of this trail that your mom and always wanted you and I'd walk on together. Damn it. You know, haha. Yeah. And I love the response from Zander steel. That's his name. Is that what you said? Yes. The daddy's like, all right, you're a shitty son. You're such a pain in the ass. Did you handcuff me and you together to get attention? The kids like, no, everybody's first guess in these scenarios is insane.

They might as well do this, typing on a keypad, a just on a tree for no reason. Yeah, it really makes you wonder what was going on in this writer's life, right? Where he's like, well, obviously you would have first assumed that the person that you were with you had to drive didn't kidnap you. Every time that writer enters a room, what did you do?

No, no man. But yeah, so and there's also this great moment. It's almost it's not really worth bringing up, but but Zander puts his chain up on the rock and the kids putting it up on the rock to go and wait, what are we doing? What are you doing or whatever, but it's very obvious that he knows what's going on because he's putting the chain in the right spot for dad Trying to like break it with a rock. Yeah, but then the kids like oh, you're gonna smash the handcuffs because you hate me because you're gonna spend quality father Son time with me and dad's like no, I'm just I was thinking we would not have cuffs at that point

You're only freeing yourself from these handcuffs because you hate me, the Eli Posnik story. We should call Bryson, you know, we should let him out of that. So yeah, but so he does he can't break through him with a rock, which honestly, I thought that was probably his right or two, right? Like, okay, but then I would chew through him, right? But he does. In the extras, in the DVD extras, you have to show me tearing a bicycle in half. So, okay, so that we cut back to Ed telling the story, that's as much as he's going to tell him at this point, though, which is, yes, let's be clear. A father and son woke up handcuffed together the end of my story. Benoom. Are you doing jingles for act breaks, man?

You keep doing that. Yeah, and they make it even more awkward because we watch him stop talking. He's like, mmm, and they're like, but then what happened? And he's like, no, more of this plot now, please. Yeah, right. And then so, smiddy and Alex are like,

hey, hey, I got an idea. What if we just pretend not to be mad at each other and Ed goes, oh, it's no use. The reconcile are always wires up the places that he uses with cameras. And I'm like, the last one was out fucking sigh. Sure. Yeah, that it does work when it's God, but regardless, how would the reconcile in this moment anyway, know if they really mean it when they say, oh, sorry, well, he's got it. So it does the jigsaw voiceover like you mean it. Yeah. Exactly. Or I'll kill you.

Yeah. But then Alex is damned to feel reconciled with smiddy and smiddy is damned to feel reconciled with Alex. We have an exactly established what their issue is at this point, but don't worry. It'll be stupid as fuck when we do. It won't matter even a little. So just free yourself from worries about that. Yeah. So, okay. So that we cut over to a police station, we're going to meet Detective Tilton.

He's the one who's on the reconciler case and he gets a phone call about these two estranged twins that went missing on the same day. I would like to nominate this character for most pointless character. Bear? Sure. Right? Because he not only doesn't serve the plot of the movie, he doesn't serve the movie's agenda either.

He literally, spoiler alert, stumbles across the end of the movie doing nothing. Yes. Yeah. And the writer couldn't even think of a reason for him to be there. Yeah, exactly. And also, I would also like to nominate his little Rico chart for the most useless visual aid, right? Because he's got this, and they, they, the push pins in yarn thing that's got a picture of like a question mark for the records seller. And then it's got like threads reaching out to like pairs of people and it's like, those are just his victims. Why do you? There's not like a hierarchy here. Right? It's not like these people were the victims of this victim of his or whatever. There's no, what are you keeping track of? So good. And I like that didn't have the budget for actual push pins in your. Yeah, yeah. Like little bit of red tape that he

clearly like cut into smaller strips to not use too much of it. So it's just like red tape going from bad guy to possible victims to remind him that like, this is all one case, right? Right. Right. Guys all did the kid net the guys ideas are all together. I had some extra ribbon from Christmas. So, hey, no. Yes. Yeah.

Okay. So now we cut over to a house where, where Laurie, the reporter, is interviewing a family that Pastor Dan recommended to her. Now you might wonder what the fuck Laurie's story is doing in the middle of the rest of this movie. Just keep on a wondering that. All right. It'll never make any fucking sense. Sure won't.

But she's here to interview a little girl that had either a dream, while she was asleep, or a near death experience. Right. And again, because this movie's trying to connect these bizarre Facebook copypastas right throughout it with a plot.

She opens the conversation with a little girl with like, so how do you feel about the grain of morality since 1950, little girl? And the little girl's like, yeah, I died and I went to heaven and Jesus gave me a great big hug and then he sent me back from heaven and he's like, oh, really? Why did he send you back? And I'm like, I don't think the little girl needs a reason to still be alive, Laurie.

Because you kind of sucked. Like I just love to hear you. Do you send you back with any cure or anything? No, same boring message about a religion he's had for thousands years. Wow. Interesting. Interesting. Also, this almost got my best worst for best worst description of heaven.

Because at one point, she's like, well, how do you know it was heaven? And she's like, it's like the beach. If you haven't been there, you can't describe it. And I was like, what? Sweetie, you can describe the beach. I can describe it. I mean, I hate most of the people on a beach and probably in heaven. So I guess in some sense.

Right, yeah, yeah, overrated. It's like a beach in that. Yeah. But she explains that Jesus sent her back to Earth so that she could share this message of love and Christianity with Laurie. Whoa. Just to be clear, the narrative here is that God, God of the universe, made a child go through like chemo or whatever and almost die so that kid could tell a local journalist about how

angels are real for her story about fences preventing gray. Yeah. God did that. Listen, little Lucy, I'm sorry you've been suffering in deep pain for months and months and now your soul has left your body, but I mean, she mostly does weddings, but she's going to ask you what you think about the ehness of gay people. And I need a good answer here. It's going to be the third most important interview

in that article, young man. Right. So it'll be worth all your suffering. Mysterious ways. There's also a great moment here. So she's like, oh, you know, he sent me back to tell you and then we cut immediately to Lori back with Roddy Piper with her editor going like,

I can't do it anymore. This story is too hard hitting. Yeah. Everything points back to God. I'm an atheist and I'm't do it anymore. This story is too hard hitting everything points back to God. I'm an atheist and I'm so mad at God. I don't know what to do. I'm a real journalist and rowdy. Piper has to like talk her down and keep her on the story. Well, that if this movie was written by a same person, that's what would happen except his reply. He if you'll remember is tell me unicorns are coming back to save the world. That's literally a line from the movie and it's not apropos

of anything. No, it's his response. And she's like, shit, Roddy Piper. I'm worried about you. I'm going to leave because I'm worried you're going to take me with you. It feels like Roddy Piper just agreed to do this movie. If he got to say which, like he wrote up 12 sentences, he's like, these are the sentences I'm going to say and I'm not going to share them with you before. I have 11 sentences that I dreamed when I took Coyote out in the desert. You have to madly lead me into your strip using these somehow. Yeah.

I don't remember. By the way, I don't remember any of that. He said unicorns or what? Yes. His response to I can't do this anymore is tell me unicorns are coming back to save the world. What? Okay.

My brain literally just blanked that out because it's unthinkable nonsense. Sure. I don't remember anything. Your brain was like, well, that's not a sentence. Don't worry about that. You don't have to remember that one. It's like, you know how your eyes don't show you your nose, even though it's there all the time.

Exactly. It was that for thoughts. Native Americans can't see Roddy Roddy by per saying the bullshit lines of this movie. So yeah, but so, but she catches Roddy up on the plot so far. And then we cut back to Ed Smiddy and Alex. And Smiddy has some religion shit he would like to talk about. Oh my God. This is where we're going to finally get exposed to their conflict, which again, is not, I don't believe in God and you do. It's we both

believe in God, but you don't go to my church anymore. That is it. Yes, you have chosen to continue to belong to my same denomination of Christianity differently than me. And therefore we haven't spoken in years. Yeah. And what's happening in the plot is that one, brother, being like, if you don't go back to church, my specific church, the same brand, but specifically mine, I will make us starve to death in this goddamn warehouse.

Yes, along with that, along with a fucking stranger reporter guy that we just met, the three of us will die unless you come back to my church. Oh, right, yes. I'm also going to kill Ed with the cane. Yep. Fuck that guy. He's being weird, right?

Yeah, he has to be kind of fucking weird. Yeah. So he won't tell you the whole fucking story. He keeps telling us the first half of stories. I think he's faking the cane. He started doing singing in the rain with it earlier. Oh, yeah. Shush, shush, shush, for the end of the movie.

So yeah, but at his mediating, they're boring argument about religion, right? He's like, okay, and now you have the speaking stick and it is your turn to tell me. Alex, he's so stupid. He also has this amazing thing where he's like, hey, hey, hey, it's not your turn to tell me. Alex, he also has this amazing thing where he's like, hey, hey, hey, it's not your turn to speak yet. Were you done?

Yeah, I was actually done. He was sort of using the natural lull in my conversation. Hey, yes. Oh. Okay, now, now you may speak. Yeah. I'm Ed the reporter commercial break. No, no, no, we'll stick with this.

We'll stick with this. At this point in the movie, I wrote in my notes. This is like when I'm telling Noah reporter commercial break. No, no, no, we'll stick with this. At this point in the movie, I wrote in my notes. This is like when I'm telling Noah about TikTok drama, he doesn't care about the movie. And Noah plays you out with a little jingle and you stop. Yeah, right, right. But Smitty explains to us that for him, religion was never about right and wrong. Do this, do that.

It was about how to live properly with your faith. Now if that doesn't make any sense to you that's because that doesn't make any sense right right that is the conflict of the this this this the writer lacks the writing acumen required to explain what the fuck he's talking about so these people are just like so you know it's like it's like arguing with the dude. Yeah. Anyway, so there's also this great moment because apparently, you know,

because it's the same writer writing both sides, he knows what he means. So these people keep reacting to each other's meaningless babble. So Alex, after he's done with his weird shit about grace, he says, wait, you're gonna interpret Christianity in your own way? That's how cult start.

Yeah. What? Yeah. What is happening? Like the one the movie's based on. Whose side is this movie on? It's the serial kidnappers side. Yeah, it is.

It actually is. Machiavelli's side. Anyways, but now the movie gets bored of itself, so it's gonna pop scare. Yeah, right, so we suddenly hear, we hear a big banging sound and there's this creepy distorted speaker, right? So that they can play this on Halloween at the church and it'll make some amount of sense.

Obviously. The end result of it, of course, is that we are now also being treated to like the most annoying possible series of sounds. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But? Yeah. But they start looking through and they find a speaker that's making these sounds, but the

speaker isn't plugged into anything. Oh. Okay. What happened at the end with the speaker? So they listened to the not plugged in speaker making nonsense noise. And then in my recollection, the speaker flew away like a bat. Yeah. And they were like, okay, well, that's weird. Anyway, moving on. No, I can see why you're confused. So what happened is they filmed this scene the first

time. And they were like, Hey, Rick, this scene is boring because you're all just staring at a box. And we're obviously going to add scary noises. But what if everyone looked up as though something had happened at a certain point? And so that's the speaker turning into a bat moment you were confused. Right. They all suddenly look up. There's a very obvious pop scare. We see their reaction to it, but we don't see what scared them.

And that is never filled in. Okay. They tried to pop scare and that is never filled in. Okay. They tried to pop scare and missed a move. Yes. Like swung and missed it. It's all the depth of up scare. Yes. So okay. So then we cut to the detective in a detective

Tilton in his car. He's listening to the exposition radio network from last week. Right. The radio goes is the radio talking about the reconciler. And it's like, is the reconciler a sick, twisted individual or a relationship vigilante? And I'm like, that's not an or situation. Yes, yes, he's those. And at no point does this movie tell us whether or not someone has been murdered

for not resolving the conflict? It heavily implies that someone has been, but yeah, right. So, okay, so the detective calls Stacy, the cop from the first half of the original vignette, right? And he's like, hey, I just figured this would sort of tie anything to anything in the movie if we spoke and she's like, yeah just again, I get it. I get it. What if I go to the warehouse and then the way the warehouse is where they are and the lady called me, there you go, that technically connects the plot. It's as though they thought the plot all connects means that like the characters have all met.

Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. If you can like seven degrees away from bacon or whatever from any one character to any author it in the plot connected, then you did a good movie. Right. I forget where I wrote this in my notes, but later on I write this is like finding out that everyone at the end of crash is cousins.

Like it doesn't matter. Hey, Stacy, as we all know, we're on a text chain together with several people who are connected. And we all just write down the things that are relevant to us informationally. So based on that warehouse, am I going to, yeah, the warehouse. Yeah, go to the warehouse. That's it. So, okay, so then we cut back to the basement where Ed, Alex and Smitty are going to,

they're sitting around wondering what the pop scare was, the right there like, what was that? And I go, I don't know. You have to know. We don't know. You guys think the recon Tyler would have a speaker that flies away in screams like a teacher and just falls down?

Or what do you think that is? So yeah, but as they're sitting around having this conversation Alex explains that he's sorry that he never understood Smithie's personal relationship with Jesus and I'm like oh shit starting to reconcile Oh, yeah, I wrote my notes at this point. So there was never a conflict to begin with oh goodie Yeah, always a sign of a great film right

Yeah, but we learned here that the real impetus for their whole conflict is that in a moment of anger about the not going to church thing, Alex said to Smitty, if you're turning your back on Jesus, I can't believe you're actually my brother. And and then they didn't speak for that's the terrible wedge between them. Might have called him a duty head. I wanted the reconciler to come in at this point and go, oh, you know what, fuck this. I thought you guys had, so I thought you fucked this girlfriend or something. Jesus Christ, just go home.

Get out of here. Get out of here. I wasted a bunch of fucking free. Yeah. You shot in my trunk. It's all over because this is ridiculous. I'm gonna have to rinse that out. So yeah, but so then Alex storms off at this point though, right? He's gotta go like think about what he's done. And now we get a mod, a musical montage. Yes.

Yeah, we're gonna do a little musical check in with all the reconcilers introduced victims here. We got kidnapped and now we've got to make up and be friends around. Are we at 60 minutes? Yeah, you two are giving us extra money if it's 60 minutes. Also, by the way, they put these shots in the exact wrong order, right? It's because we see Alex moping right next to the toilet and then we cut to the cops, right? And they're moping too and we're like,

where do they shit? Right? They're in a car. Honestly, okay, crazy billionaire remake. Again, we shoot the cops that seem exactly the same except we CGI in an ever larger pile of the shit. Yeah, they never

ignore. All right, you know what, wait, he took our bullets. I couldn't shoot through. I'm going to shit through the window now. I'm going to shit through it hard. I'm going to press against the window and the sheer force of this Chipotle exiting my body will free us. On that cops shit, hunters don't, but cops do. Yeah, no, that's right. We covered that. Last week. So also, there's this great moment where we get to watch Zander steal, Harump fully hiking. I don't want to hike up this fucking mountain. So yeah, very clearly this movie just yada yada yada to us. I think we've earned ourselves another break, but first let me give you the hard sell. Will the cops manage to talk it out? Will the soldier and his son manage to

talk it out? Will the estranged twins manage to talk it out? Yes, a fucking course that's literally all that happens in this stupid fucking movie, but stick around anyway for the anti-sighting conclusion of the reconciler. Also, arguably the soldier and the son do not talk it out. Do not talk it out! You're right, you're right, they don't, you're right. Pfft. Johnson, get in here.

Yeah, Chief, what up? You had another set of victims of the reconciler. God damn it. You hate to see it. So what was the issue this time? Group of podcasters from the looks of the notes, something about the meaning of this or next Friday. Wow.

That's rough. I mean, seems pretty obvious to me. Can't imagine why they disagree on that for very long. This is take 43. I mean, I see. So how did they die? Did they starve to death or no, no dehydration? Wow. You were down there for a while. Oh, no, they were actually only down here for a couple of hours, but then it looks like they accidentally sucked each other's dicks to death. Damn it. That's the fifth one this week. Curse you, reconciler.

Don't you mean next week, Heath? Oh, oh, oh, now you're doing it? You are. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ooh, chimmy-curry steaks. Nice. A-Heath.

A-Heath? Oh, hey, uh, delivery app, delivery guy. What are you doing here? Well, we was looking through your window just now and we couldn't help but notice that you're signing up for Hello Fresh. Well, sure with Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. You can skip trips to the grocery store and you can count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy fun and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Sure, sure, that sounds great, Heath, but, you know,

what about us? Yeah, what are we gonna fling super hard at your door? We'll leave it a different apartment in the building next to yours. Guys, guys, I'll still order delivery from time to time, I will. Well, yeah, because with 30 plus weekly recipes to choose from, hello, fresh has something for everyone. Easily customize your meal by swapping proteins or sides, upgrading to choice proteins or adding protein to a veggie meal. Not to mention that Hello Fresh is 25% cheaper than takeout and less expensive than grocery shopping.

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That's right. Wow, well I guess he doesn't need us after all. No he doesn't. Shall we sadly bike away on our weird bikes that have duct tape mittens on the handles? Let's do that Jerry, Let's do that, Jerry. Let's do that. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the inaction with two cops deciding not to just huff at each other and shit in the backseat anymore. Okay, I guess we should talk instead of starving today. Yeah. Right. And there's like, what is the most boring possible conflict that you and I can be having?

Right? Because up until this time, I thought like that they slept together and then, you know, the regretted it or whatever or something like that. But no, she was jealous that he got promoted over top of her. That is the conflict. That's, we took a break, did an entire act and then came back and it's just like, yeah, no, it's just kind of work, drama, shit, just.

Yeah. And is it even, I was going for that promotion and I wanted it? No, it's literally you got a promotion and I didn't. Yeah. Okay, also at this moment, I was like, how did the reconciler know the emotional dynamics of this local police department? Okay, fine. We find out it's God, but why would God be paying attention to the emotional dynamics of this department?

Yeah, I the fact that this wasn't God yet did put in mind like jigsaw just hanging out at the water cooler to police departments So what's the newest scuttle, but I'm not, I'm not a killer puppet guy. Stop flipping that cane around. So, so yeah, but so he's like, and that's why you wanted, you didn't want to be my partner anymore. She's like, no, it's not that I don't want to be your partner. It's that you deserve a partner who isn't jealous of your man, so genistically enabled career track. I did it for you.

And he's like, oh, well, I guess we're reconciled now, huh? Yeah. She goes, you know how it's going to be. The rumors will start that I'm a woman. And I run my notes. I mean, Stacy, you are a woman. That rumor has already gone around. Are we to believe that God is just fixing all these tiny little arguments with murder traps all throughout history. Great question. Yeah. Is 94% of the world currently kidnapped over a Facebook fight in the universe of this

film? I will fix cancer as soon as I get done with all of these relationships. Yeah. You tell anybody about the dirty dish in the sink and we have the fight about. I have a bear trap on my face. That's why I'm asked. Did you say that? Did you any scuttle butt at your office about that? Yeah, but so and I also I love the fact that they don't want to address the fact that like clearly she got he got promoted over her because she's a woman and that's sexist or they don't

want to imply sexism here because they know that that'll piss off their target audience because you know their target audience either doesn't believe in sexism here because they know that that'll piss off their target audience because, you know, their target audience either doesn't believe in sexism or is all for it. Right. So they just have to be like, you know, you're just kind of a snooty instead, doesn't rhyme with which the thing you are, that's for sure kind of a person.

Yeah, because they don't give you a good reason. It's just like, no, you're a good cop. Well, then why didn't I get promoted? Ah! To be known, you're, ah, you're a good cop. Well, then why didn't I get promoted? Anyway, they need to just fucking this car, right? Yeah, absolutely. That's the ultimate reconciliation would be like, Jigsaw would have to like kidnap himself at that point and put himself in the shit-filled car and switch with him or something. I would love it if God came in and I was like, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Very. Oh,

Oh, all right. Now I'm reconciling you guys with HR. Once I'm going to put you to sleep, you're going to wake up with Karen from HR. She's going to, she's going to explain the interdepartmental relationships policy.

But they agree to be partners again. And then at that exact second, the doors unlocked. So they run out and I'm assuming take huge shits, right? And then we go back for the last half of the soldier and his son's story. Now, when dad read the note, he didn't read it out loud. He just summarized it for the son, right? He says, yeah, the note just says that the key is at the top

of the mountain and the sun is like, does it say anything else in there about maybe you being a better dad? No, I'm stuffing it into my mouth. I'm done with it now. Okay, but that was all it said in the note. Pretty much. Yeah. This is where the sun's like, no, let me read it. Fine, fine, you can read it. So he starts reading it. It's like, all right, Jeff, you are a soldier. And then he takes a big pause and looks at his dad and dad's like, yeah, I am a soldier. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Just double check, and then they go through the rest of the note.

And it just says you just gotta go like to the top of the thing and get a key. And that's it. Well, but it says some stuff on there about how he doesn't pay enough attention to his son and his family. And if only he could fight for his family the way he fights for his country. And that's what this is all about, right? Yeah.

Also, this is great thing. As they're sort of arguing back and forth about why aren't you a good dad, the music is chanting fight in the hopes that something happens in the movie. Yes. Music is chanting fight in the hopes that something happens in the music. Yeah, some music's like, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, but now they're just talking. Yeah. Well, I wanted, because he starts talking about how bad a dad, Zander Steel is, and I wanted Zander Steel to get so depressed that he just like left to his death off the

side of this cliff and forgot they were chained together. But they get it. They had their little argument and then they get up and the sun slips and falls off the side of this cliff face, like a southern bell trying to get a hug from a kettlebell. Oh, no. I'm coming. I'm coming. Into the ether who will save me. But yeah, but dad catches it with the chain and pulls them up very suspenseful. Trust the score, very suspenseful. Are they suggesting that dad would have like let the kid die and like smashed the chain until the handcuff lesson that had already happened, like a little bit of their verbal fight on the way up half this mountain. While they were

writing it, they were like, I know what you're thinking, wouldn't you just break the hand cup and let his son die? Don't worry, we're going to cover that earlier. But yes, we posed the sun up and the sun passes out. So dad's going to have to carry him the rest of the way because I goddamn guarantee carry him the rest of the way is in Zander Steel's contract, right? At some point in all of his movies, yes, to throw a cigarette behind him and explode something off. And could he do it in the silliest matter possible? Like a little speed walk, a little speed walk. Why doesn't I know? Sometimes we recommend people watch these movies. Sometimes we'd recommend people don't watch these movies. This one's definitely

a watcher for me, but for this scene, especially I have a special recommendation. At this point, I was so bored. I was watching at 1.5 speed and the carrying up the hill at 1.5 speed. Okay, that's excellent. Pete comedy, my. Well, because he is carrying the guy at 1.5 speed, right? Like he is trying to show off to us how quickly he can carry a small man up a hill, right? Also, also, I, I, there are railings. The railings that I couldn't stop laughing. There are railings on this entire fucking bed. It's such an easy path. How the fuck do you fall off if there are? So at some, we learn right now that there are 500 feet away from getting to the top and just ending the kidnapping.

So at that moment, they were like, all right, well, we're like 500 feet away. You want to stand next to this one spot with no guard rail and have a quick talk next to that banana peel and they were like, yes. So yeah, but so dead carries them all the way to the top where he revives J.R. That's the sun with a little bit of water from the pack that he finds. And now they are reconciled. That was it. That's it.

They just walked up a very easy trail with guard real. Yeah, they walked up grandma's first hike and now they're all good. I want the reconcile show and be like, all right. Yeah, that was do easy. I didn't really think it through. I'm gonna have to do more like murdery stuff. You know what, escape rooms need more than one step. Now that I think about it, it's obviously, I should have.

That's just a room. Now there is another key at the bottom. I should rock your heart. Oh, no, you're already unlocked. I don't know. You don't have to make s'mores. You have to make s'mores for the poison. I'm the god of the universe. So, all right. So now we're going to check back in with Laurie, the reporter. She's

out interviewing an old lady. This is another person from Pastor Dan's list. So she means this old lady who is apparently like fabulously wealthy. They're in her gazillion dollar yard or whatever. And they heavily imply that this old lady has fucked a lot, right? Okay, this is so good. It's such a great clueless line, right? Because it's supposed to be modesty. Oh, I don't imagine why you're talking to me. Like I've lived far from a perfect life.

And we're supposed to think like, oh, she's so humble, but it definitely comes across from like, I thought an entire baseball team There wasn't a hole on my body that wasn't filled You want to know what I call on shoelace Joe ask me ask me right now. She was filthy. Yeah I wrote down best worst best, really sexual old lady. She's, and she goes back to this during this conversation, one of the times she cannot stop being like, so I'm gonna stop for a second. I mean, feel the human rectum is not marriagely elastic.

So I feel like she's snuck into the movie and they were like, all right, we're gonna let this, we let you do the mad lips. Okay. Here's my theory. Here's my actual theory. to the movie and they were like, all right, we're gonna let this, we let you do the mad lips. Okay. Here's my theory. Here's my actual theory. I think this is an actual rich lady who actually gave $35 million to the church. Yes. Spoiler alert. Impossible. And they were like, fuck, I mean, we should put her in the movie that we're shooting at our church, right? And she was like, all right, but I'm gonna talk about how sore my push Puss was from 1992.

And they were like, yeah, I guess so. Well, Zulu, could you just use euphemisms? Sure. Sure. Right. Which to be clear, like if anyone out there has $35 million, we'll put you on this podcast. You can see whatever the fuck that's going on. Fair, fair. So there's also this great moment because the Lori says to her,

as they're walking away, as they're wrapping up this scene, they're going to go to the patio to have their real conversation. Lori's like, you have a beautiful yard and the old lady's response is anti-quote. It is yes. Cool. We're going to do an act break. I feel like it. No, okay.

All right. So they make it to the patio where the old lady Emma has some lemonade. Lori says, oh, that lemonade looks delicious. And I'm like, it looks like pee. Laurie, all lemonade just looks like pee. What are you trying to tell us? I know. We watched Laurie very nervous.

You ever watch an old person try to lift a heavy jug and everyone in the room is like, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no. This is this person does not have the hand at risk strength. And this woman is not. She's like, there, this is the sixth take. And the only one where everyone didn't end up soaked. So yeah, it's the most tension there is in the movie. Really?

So, so they get their lemonade. Lori says to Emma, she says, so why do you think they call you the greatest generation? And I'm like, they made up their own that nickname themselves. Yeah. I wrote my notes to be very, they called themselves that, which is the fucking funniest thing in the universe. Because Tom Brokaw's fucking dumb. That's right.

Yeah, exactly. But yes, so she tells us how she remembers World War two. And it's like, Oh, is your story going to have anything at all to do with World War two? No, no, sure isn't hey quick tip don't bring up war two in your movie about the problem of evil just don't ever do that she says well you know god brought us through the war not the six million Jews of course of course but me 25 and mine million soldiers or the 50 million civilians in China alone really but I did fine. I did great actually. I got fucking rich And I got

Rich So much Look at me Railed if I had a dollar for every come that was in me. I did I do actually yeah So Emma's like do you read the Bible much? And Lord is like, that's too high-freed. Anyway, what was the point of what you were saying? She says, according to the Bible, when things are good, people abandon God. And then when things get bad, they turn back to God. And it's like, are you suggesting we need to fuck

some shit up? Is this religious accelerationism here then? You bet it is sister. Yeah, right. Drive this empty, unmarked van into the bottom of the world, Tristan. Jesus Christ. So yeah, so, but then she tells us about her husband dying and about her realizing that she needed to Jesus it up quick, because she was going to die soon too. Yeah.

And she's like, you know what, I have something I need to show you. So she walks away for, I'm gonna go ahead and say one second. And she comes back with a framed newspaper article which she keeps apparently one second away from her at all times about that time she gave her $35 million fortune to a church. The least modest possible thing you can do. Right. Right, yeah, in the newspaper no less, right. So yeah, how humble of her to have that within arms range.

I really wanted Laurie to be like, wow, you helped rape a lot of kids. I'm a lot. Yeah, but she explains that it's not about having things and having money. It's about forcing her religion on other people. So, okay. So then Lori gets home and dammit. If it doesn't turn out that Zander Steele as her husband and CJ is her son connected. Cousins.

They thought this was a twist. Yeah, but it literally doesn't matter. It's nothing. Yeah, it's absolutely nothing. The only reason it's there And this is kind of worth it is that it allows them the two of these guys to walk down this hallway in the squeaky as possible shoes. Oh my god, that's amazing. It sounds like a fucking basketball game as they walk down those hallways. Also, they're supposed to be like play wrestling like father and son because they're having, you know, a happy moment now. But they don't know how to play wrestling. So we get to watch them just like, Elbow, it's land making weird dance moves that don't make any sense all the way down this long hallway. They had no idea what to do.

Sandra Steel puts his son in a chokehold for a full minute. Well, yeah, well, clearly the writer had never touched his father except for handshakes or something because he doesn't know how any of this works either, right? Because the wife is like, you know, all right, well, do you guys can wrestle, but I don't want to see you bloodying each other again again. What? Plastic. You guys don't, you remember when you drew blood. Well,

I know better from this podcast. He did your dad ever draw blood. You like put toothpicks between his fingers and Wolverine you in the eyes. It was a lesson. It wasn't. You know, he did the English muffin thing. You learned to duck. He learned to duck. I don't swivel So yeah, so the pop in the end the sun and go out for dinner She doesn't want to though. She has to wrestle with her faith back at home So we watch she goes to the kitchen to slowly cut fruit and then she goes in a living room And I wrote it as soon as she passed by a fucking bookcase

I wrote and darn it if she doesn't pull that dusty old Bible off the shelf and because yeah, I we knew. Yeah, we know. So she pulls out her Bible. Apparently her mom gave her that Bible and she still has the note that came with it. Yeah, I wanted so bad for the note to be sealed in wax. Yes. And for the mom to be the reconciler. Yeah.

And then she just like falls through a trap door into a mix. We're adding the two brothers are waiting. Oh, there you go. I'm in the gather. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so that, but the note, like we get the voiceover of mom's note, well, she starts reading the Bible. The note is all about what a blessing it was that her son and husband got kidnapped, handcuffed together, and almost died on a trail. Right? Yeah. So we get that voice over and then we watch this actress desperately summon a tear for like

two and a half minutes. She got one. She eventually gets one. Sad be a new earth. Sad be a new woman. Yeah. All right. So then we head back to add apparently wrapping up the Zander steel story for the twins. Right? Yeah. And then

Smitty starts asking a logistical questions. Right. Smitty is like, wait a minute. How can you? How can you make car doors stay locked from a fog? That doesn't pull the thing up. He's like, yes. Yeah. They're still trying to solve that mystery at the car detective. What the fuck does that have this matter?

We're kidding. I keep getting on track. We're kidding. Why are we talking about this? It's your fucking movie, dude. You don't have to have him Ask but but even after all these stories, smitty isn't quite convinced that kidnapping people in the name of your religious Obligations is a moral good, right? Which means by the way, he's still got some growing to do So you know how Gittmo is good sometimes. Yeah. Right.

So again, then we cut to Detective Tilton. He's arrived at that warehouse he was talking about for no reason earlier, and he's going to look around. I'm going to sneak my way into this movie. No, my God. Hold on. Let me look at this Rico chart. Yeah.

I take the paper to itself, which means it's here. Yes. Where I here. Yes. Where I am. Yeah. He's got himself on the chart. I mean, I'm chasing the right side victims. But then we cut back to Alex and Smitty. Alex steps in.

He's ready to reconcile now. Right. And I guarantee you, by the way, that this entire thing is constructed over some argument that this guy and his twin brother Love the writer and his twin brother had because there is no like both of them give and take to it type thing Alex just comes and says I was entirely wrong you were entirely right. We're reconciled Yes, right they might as well put hands in the middle and go one two three friendship. Yeah, right Right, and so they forgive each other and then Ed sets down his cane and Kaiser Soze's his way across the room.

Except, it's like they instantly recognize it. So it's not Kaiser Soze at all. He's just like, and they're like, do you, are you faking needing a cane? Yes. Why would he be faking needing a cane though? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, like, wait, you're the reconciler. And of course, I wrote in my notes, well, the fucking course he is, because I didn't realize how stupid we were going yet with this movie. But no, he explains that he just works for the reconciler.

And the reconciler is that very guy you two have been talking about this whole time. So, okay. So then we cut back to Detective Tilton. He's walking around searching for a pop scare. I wanted him to have squeaky shoes like in that other scene. There is a great, speaking of sound effects though, there's a great moment when he pulls his gun out to this hilarious swoosh sound. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted everything to have karate

noises for the rest of the room. So yeah, so and then we got back to add and smiddy and and Alex so that smiddy can. At great length figure out the dumbass reveal. Right, then it turns out that God is the reconciler and at is his angel. Yep. They're so slow. They're like, oh, so you work for the reconciler, like as a regional manager, Jason. I guess you could say I'm more of a messenger and a guardian. Oh, so you're going to be able to correspond. And it's back and forth like on a fixed gear bike.

I'm an angel from heaven sent by God. Oh, she mean like metaphorically. And then when they finally figure out that he means angel, he disappears in the worst graphics since anaconda 2. Yeah, okay. His disappearance. I had to stop the movie and leave the fucking room. I had to dry my eyes so I could see the rest of the movie through them. Yeah, he might as well just yell smoke bomb. So. Okay. Crazy billionaire remake.

He goes beep and then they just turn and he's like slightly to the left. He's like, yeah, so I don't have disappearing. So yeah. So, but then so the door opens. The locked door opens. They walk out and the detective detective Tilton runs into him them now keep in mind detective tilt and had his gun out. So now he's going to realize who these two are and he's going to ask them what's going on, but he's never going to stop pointing his gun at their faces through the entire camera. No, I wonder they're brown,

you know, that's police code. Also, I mean, their story is God just teleported out of the room. God was the criminal. Right. So I feel like the cop should be at least a little suspicious of that. That's true. Yeah. Maybe you do keep your gun on those people. And twins would be the perfect reconciler team. I was thinking, you know, they could do more twin magic stuff, right? Right, right. Yeah. Like Jesus did. Yeah. So, so, so, but he, he's like, let's go down to the station where you can tell me the whole story. And, and Smitty says, and I quote, great. It's a pretty amazing story. That's a thing that this writer wrote for another person to say in his own story. Someone should make this a movie.

That sentence was good to yourself. Yes, I'm sure. And then we get a Bible quote and then we get to see Lori's article about the graying fence thing, which has multiple graphs. It has graphs. Yep, and charts, there's a map

with the state's coloring andying levels of greenness. Feel like you would have gone gray. And the title of the article is Vibrance in a graying world. The end. Yeah. So guys, so but but seriously though, what is the moral of this story? Maybe God could send people to fucking family therapy instead But seriously though, what is the moral of this story?

Maybe God could send people to fucking family therapy instead of doing murder scenarios. Also maybe stop Hitler, get Hitler in a room. Oh, there you go. I think that would have been, that would have worked. All right, so that's gonna do it for our review of the Reconcillor. I guess we're not gonna do it for the Spooktacular just yet because we still need to revisit this haunt next week.

So Eli, tell us us what's on deck? Well Noah, there are all kinds of scary during a Spooktacular. Sure, there's ghosts and goblins and recceilers, but next week There's the 1985 musical Items that's terrifying. Okay, so if that's a look forward to we're gonna bring episode 373 to a merciful close Once again a huge thanks to the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to contact yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, it'll really access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review

on by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and scanning the ad, citation to dnd- and the Skype account available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, a cinematic suggestion to get me on God awful movies and gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, this is a B. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in before by Ryan Slotney, and we'll drop some marks. All the other music was written in before by our audience,

and our Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check here like this week for Heathen, right, Neil Iboz, DeGom, Noolutions, Prom, Mr. Workhard, and Arnold Schruck, next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Everyone went back on their reconciliations because they were forced by threat of death and that's fucking nothing. Nothing.

The editors on Wikipedia were kind enough to leave this movie off of Roddy Piper's filmographer. Newspaper editor Dan Hulsam would murder his family and a school librarian while dressed as Colonel Sanders. Everybody saw it, cut. Yeah. I just I almost feel like apologizing to Morgan in case he can hear my headache. We hear that thumping. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You have to remove the proceeding podcast was a production of Buzz on the Thunderstrum LLC Copyright 2022. All rights reserved. Thank you.