God Awful Movies - 374: HiTops

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

This week, the spooktacular takes a break from horror movies for something far more terrifying: A 1985 Christian musical about the importance of... footwear? It's not clear. --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

So, and of course the lead singer of high tops stops in the middle of this to tell everybody that, you know, even if they don't get the part, Jesus still loves him. He might not love him, but Jesus loves him. I feel like you don't need to Jesus pitch people trying out for your literal fucking Jesus pitch, right? The only thing more absurd would be for someone to interrupt him during his pitch to pitch him on his hand I'm so sorry, Rob Schneider, but I just want you right now God awful

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All right, so tell us, Marisha, what will we be breaking down today? Oh, we watched high tops. It is the 1985 musical about a bunch of high school kids who love this Christian band so much that they basically constantly shout sing to each other about it for about an hour and a bit. It's saved by the yell. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved when that improv troupe of 40 year olds came to your school to wrap

about not smoking, but you wish they'd talked more about their happy science cults understanding of Christianity. You will love this movie. Yeah. No, it's a live action musical about shoes. I have to look, I'm not saying I wasn't terrified by every minute of this thing, but exactly how did this wind up in the spooktacular, Eli?

You know, sometimes when you want to scare someone and, you know, Marsha's seen the things that he's seen, you've got to get very creative with your definitions of terror and madness. Yeah, no, this was one of the scariest things I've ever seen. That's fair. It just wasn't in the horror genre. All right, so is there anything you guys want to love and let this one for me and the best of being the worst at? Absolutely. I'm going to say best worst inexplicable footwear obsession, right? Because this movie is called high tops and it's called high top because it's about a band a Christian band called high tops and that band is called high top because they sing a song called High Tops.

And they sing that song about High Tops because they wear high tops. And they wear high tops because I've got nothing. I've got nothing. Yeah, no, you just have to fucking connect the Auroboros to itself. Yeah. It's, well, so the thing is,

is that it literally came, I guarantee it, literally came from somebody going, what are kids into these days they got the big shoes they like the big shoes right high tops. Yeah, and then they were like yeah, that's the movie that's the fucking play that's the theme and they never bothered to tie it into anything. So or even make the lead singer the band well, I told you that's the most upsetting part. I could forgive everything else if the entire band was wearing high tops, but that dude's just super duper clearly not wearing high tops throughout the entire musical. Baffling, absolutely baffling. They didn't have high tops, budgets. Come on, let's go to expensive. So I was, we've already alluded to this, of course,

but I'm going to go with best worst backup dancers. Oh, yeah, maybe. Right. So the backup dancers had a very like, you can't dance in the play unless your little sister can come to kind of a field to them, right? Like everything was, it was like we were trying to dump something down so that he could dance along with us.

Yeah. Right. It's a musical. If nobody in your musical knew a single person of color, right? Just choreographed and danced by the widest of white people. That's it. Yeah, this, this is what the world would be like if there had only ever been white people, right? Exactly. Oh, it's like the backup dancers are like when you play Mortal Kombat, but you don't know the moves. So you just keep doing the same move over again. You kill for me. Yeah.

I felt corner trapped by this movie. And I'm going to go with best, best audience. So this is a filmed version. Well, first of all, I want to thank everyone who recommended this. This movie has been recommended genuinely, like dozens of times over the years, because in addition to this being this glorious movie that we witnessed, this was a traveling show that a bunch of our listeners were forced to watch. And as I was assured multiple times when this was recommended, this filmed version is the best version of the show.

This is the star cast, right? This is the patty lapone. You know, I'm getting up there. This is the, this is the first Broadway run you want to see. People that recommended this saw a lower quality version of this show. Jesus. But that doesn't stop this audience, the live audience that the show is being performed in front of from losing their God. Right, damn. I've never worked to as good a crowd as they're hootin and oh yeah yeah right so we'll get there when we'll get

there quite often all right well I'll tell you what I have a lot of very unfortunate 80s trends to revisit this week so I'm gonna need a miniature prepare but we'll be back in a flash with all the atonal catarawing that is High Tops. All right everybody gather round time to write our brand new Christian musical High Tops. Okay, why is it called High Tops? I'm glad you asked it's because the Christian musical inside of our Christian musical is called

High Tops. Sorry, wait, there's a Christian musical in our Christian musical? Yep, that's the whole plot. Okay, but then why are they called high tops? Right, because they wear high top converse shoes. So, sometimes they do. Okay, but why, why do they wear high tops,

except for some of them? What does that have to do with Christianity or the title or anything else we're going to do in our musical? Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Guys, guys, what's the first rule of Christian musical club? Too many questions, turn you gay. Turn you gay. Exactly. We don't want to end up like Alan, do we? No.

I guess not. How is Alan anyway? Oh, hey, Minus husband, just open up a bed and breakfast. Oh, that's nice. Oh, I mean, that's, that's bad. That's bad. Bad. Exactly.

Thank you. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up as so often we do on a Bible, quote, this time, Ephesians 6, 12, which reads, for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities against power against the rulers of the darkness of this world against spiritual wickedness in high places. In other words, that's how to getcha, right?

That's viable for that. Yeah, I'll be honest, I didn't even read it. And I realized I should have read it. It was the first, the opening thing, but I just saw that it was a Bible court. I was like, ah, it's fine. These guys have got that sorted. There's a lot of words on the screen. I don't want to have to read them all. That's a lot. Yeah. Yeah, understandable. And also never relates in any real way to the show and never, they never exactly. It's like, okay, Bible court got you. We're moving on. It's fine. And to be fair, like what they will be fighting against is let's spoil it now.

Carl the Pagan Pagan Party. So the the appearance quote seems pretty unnecessary. All right. And so now this is very clearly this was created as poster fodder to get 12 year old boys to come to this thing. We open up on these silly motorcycle helmeted space angels with giant swords. Oh, yeah, it's daff punk trying to teach us the body. So yeah, so we get that we see them. They're just going to kind of prance around a little bit at the beginning of the thing

and then just disappear. But the play itself opens up on a bunch of teenagers getting ready for the big concert musical prelude style. And these kids are introduced by stereotype. Yes. Right. Like, they might as well just walk on and yell a mean name about themselves. Like, I'm the nerd. And I'm stupid. And I'm the whore whose parents don't love me. But walking on a knelling is exactly what they do. And it's because they think it's fine acting and shouting are basically synonymous. If you're loud enough, you're acting.

They're what they think. Yeah, exactly. The ancient Greek tradition. And for what's going on, this all little going on stage, but it seems to be happening with just what I considered a baffling level of intensity. Right. Like I felt like something bad was going to happen. Like I couldn't figure what, but I realized it was this movie.

That was the bad thing that was coming up with this movie. So, okay, so very quickly we get Tony has the hots for Heather. Barbara Paul, I don't know the character's name. She was dressed in red and white stripes. So I just have her as Barbara Paul throughout my nose. Oh, so it was big tent. Yes. Yeah.

So she likes Tony, but Tony doesn't like her back because she's not Christian and pure enough, apparently. And nerd kid is a nerd and everyone else just is there to fill in dialogue occasionally. Yeah. Everyone else will have various lines to provide information to those three characters. For yeah. So, okay, but this ends with the nerd going like, wait, who's, who's playing at the

concert? And everybody goes, it's high tops. Now, the name makes sense. No more questions on that. So, okay, so we cut to the big concert. Well, we cut to the fucking sword wielding space angels first, but then we cut to the big concert. Yeah, and I did have him on it. Is this just going to be a collection of inexplicable songs gently intercut by sword wielding Daff Punk? And yes, that is basically what we have. Yes, our wielding Daff Punk is mysteriously absent through most of

the film, but yeah, we just do differently. We would place it with backup dancers eventually. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Future Marsh past Marsh was trying to warn you. Also, this is where the outfits are peak 80s.

I wrote in my notes here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no 90s at least. But yeah, so we watched this woman sing,

and it's just a something like, because this is like the gig, and be any old fucking Jesus song, right? So that's what she sings, any old Jesus song. We do, but she comes in so incredibly flat. And it's weird, because she's very clearly dubbed. Yes. So they must have given her another goal,

and this was the best take that they got and it's so achingly flat, it's impressive, it's genuinely impressive. Also, her hair is like if you try to do a ball cut, but all you had was a walk. Yes, she clearly went into a hair salon with a photo of a Japanese pergola. This is one of that place. I'll have one of these. Yeah, also, they do this thing and we've all seen this touchstone, right? Where it's a song and dance movie and so as part of the break during that,

someone does some super impressive gymnastics. And so everyone, but in this case, it's just like me doing a cartwheel and I mean me, me doing a cartwheel, right? So much so that the audience pauses before they realize they're supposed to applaud, right? The audience, the guy is like, and then there's a pause in the audience. It's like, Oh, shit. That was a kick. That was a beating. It took a flip or something.

But now, I assume that pauses, they're making sure that they were all kids, that person is not made to do a collar. Are we sure this didn't just end really badly? And this is going to be on some sort of compilation of horrific events that have happened in theatre, and then we'll be the monsters cheering it. And it was only when the person carried on walking, so it's fine. We can, we can then cheer. It's fine.

So, and honestly, I have to say the most terrifying thing about this entire movie for me was that closed captioning was unavailable. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. The captions were very much, you are on your own. You are not being bothered.

Yes. Which is why, like, throughout my notes, I've just got what I think it sounds like they said. And at one point, they're talking about how Jesus is the father of life. Yes. Is that the father of life? I had that in my notes as well.

Yeah. It's light. It's light, apparently. But for a long time, it was the father of life. Well, you only know that because it rhymes with night later, right? Yeah. Because it says that he's like, he's the father of life. And I'm like, well, he created all the animals.

I just don't think that's the one he really wants to be known. Not the way he wants to believe me. I mean, I get it. And there's a part where he says, if you walk in his, the things goes, if you walk in his light, you can talk with each other and for how you're him and then it's a lot of fun. Something about blotting out the sun.

What is going on any song? Yeah, no idea. I looked at that in Marcia's notes and I was like, Oh, I'm going to go and see what it is. But he's right. It is for high. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, combine the voice of Carl the Pug of Peggy, of what Tucker Carlson dreams about when someone says drag queen story hour, this is the character of this movie. Absolutely. He is dressed like he's doing devil themed drag at the bathroom at burlesque.

That's how he is dressed. Yeah. And he's talking like this right here. And I'm like, Eddie, I did a Satan's from joysy, that tracks, that tracks. Yeah. No, it just may, I, they've obviously been in my traffic. I get. Yeah. So it's, there's also several moments. And this is just a general note for the Satan character. There will be several moments where the actor obviously doesn't know how to do a Jersey accent. So he got

like a phonetic, how to do a Jersey accent. Yeah he got like a phonetic how to do a Jersey accent, you know, tape from his local five in time. And so he will end on a word, which makes no sense. And his first line is pretty close to that. And he goes, I'm not as bad as they say I am. I'm wise. And I was like, you're what? And then I'm watching again to be like,

oh, he means worse. He means worse with an accent. There's several of those moments. Yeah. But he's gonna do a little stick, but then he's gonna explain to us that he hates Christian music concerts, right? And at this point, we're all on his side.

We're all on music. Yeah, absolutely. And then he explains that he hates high top shoes because they are, as yours I could tell, holier than their hottie, they're a little bougie for him. I have no idea what this film has about high top shoes. Normally I do a lot of weird research when I get bored in the middle of these films and I start to look at what they had on high tops. Why they were so against high tops or four high tops and I found nothing. I've got no idea other than what you said,

no, which was that high tops are fashionable. We'll just use a word that's in the news and crack on from there. Yeah, absolutely. Baffling. It's kept me awake for days. I haven't been there for days. I'm just saying this.

So I had this moment too. Like it was a real kind of a breakdown moment for me. Cause at one point he goes, and he's Christian musicals, they make me sick. But luckily I'm run some pep dough. And he opens his pep at one point he goes, at his Christian musicals, they make me sick, but luckily I brought some pepto. And he opens his pepto and the crowd goes, fucking nuts! The crowd just, they're my,

orgasms. And I was like, guys, if we did Christian comedy, we would only need to come up with like, three jokes a month to keep out this pace of podcast production, right? Oh yeah. That's the thing. It's always there.

It's almost worse becoming a big hit. We're Oh, yeah. That's the thing. It's always there. It's almost worse becoming a big hit. We're worth, here's the thing. The minute we turn evil, we're the best at our job. Yeah, right. So, but eventually though, the space angel, this besorted space angel chases Satan off with his robotic voice. This is where I noticed by the way,

that these space angels, when you see them, they'll always be holding their swords by the blade. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because very clearly otherwise, the blade would fall off the fucking hand. Yeah, no, they weren't going for the, you know, super nice cardboard when they made the props for this movie, which I talk about this later, but this is throughout the movie. This movie is the weirdest combination of like high budget and low budget I've ever seen. Yes. Because on the one hand, it's very clearly professionally filmed and this full musical

being done and what I assume is a theater. And on the other hand, most of the set is painted cardboard. Yes. Yeah. A lot of that. So, okay. So then we get back to the Satan wonders off and we get back to the concert and it's time for them to do their their last song. It's the Jesus fight song. So all the backup dancers they pull up, they're shiny shields and they

sing this song that is, and we see this constantly in Christian movies that are aimed at teenagers, they're singing a like, you know, being a Christian is pretty badass if you think about it song, which is doubly self-defeating when it's presented as a fucking show tune. Yeah. Yeah. If you give these people maximum credit, it's singing a song about a pretend holy war. Yeah. But without that credit, they're just seeing a happy,

salty tune about dying in a holy war for Jesus. About how happy they would be to die for Christ. Yeah. So fucked up. And they're being led in that refrain by what looks like Chachi in a red cumber band. That is the answer you're who is leading the high tops. Also, and I almost had this is

best worst. It's the disparity between the actors' faces and the voices that they give them in the dubbing over because Chachi on this has an incredibly, and I would say, completely out of place low voice, like weirdly low voice for this song that sounds a bit like kind of depeche mode or the human league while he's bouncing around looking like 1950s cliff riches. It's such a weird mix. Yeah, he looks like if Rob Schneider was in a biopic about Rob Schneider and a young And it's what this guy looks like. I also They go through the stupid parts of the armor of God But they lose their courage because the armor of God gets super stupid

They're like the blessed blade of righteousness and the shield of justice. Never mind the sandals of whatever that. Fucking hotness or whatever. It's fine. I do. Do a cartwheel. Again, could not understand the word they were singing. So I just wrote down what I sound like, though it baddest, the one still inside paddle yet.

Yep. That's what I got. I might actually figure out one of them from context clues, because the refrain was until all the m-m-m-m-d you, and I realized after about six times that it's enemy's yield, until all of my enemy's yield. And I realized what happens is if I just, I can only figure the lyrics out. If I try and transcribe them phonetically as to the noise it sounds like they're saying, and then me try and say those noises out loud several times. Eventually it clicks as to what words that's ought to be, but it takes that amount of effort to get to even one of

the lyrics to this song. Interesting. To any of these songs. But in fact, that's how Noah reads my notes and aren't. It is. It is. So it is. All right, so this song wraps up the 26 people in the crowd go, fuck and nuts for it. And then Chachi comes out to explain why they're called high tops. And it's because high tops are a symbol for reaching up. And what's up? God. Yeah.

Yeah, they're not the larvae. They're not. And it was at this point that I realized he isn't wearing high tops. He's wearing some sort of boots that I couldn't tell if he was wearing a tardigrade on each foot. Or if it's just that he is a tardigrade from the waist down. Oh, interesting. Tor on Mermids. I couldn't tell which of those two it was.

Oh, and even he realizes this doesn't make any sense. Because then he'd be like, wow, I guess we would be called hats if that was. So you know what, shoes are like running, you know, running and sometimes you run towards a good or bad anyway. Thank you so much for coming out. I don't know why we wrote this into the script. We didn't have to. We could have just left it alone for uh... whoo alright well thanks for coming out also and this is the craziest introduction to musical i've ever heard would any of you like to be in our band yes we're having a dish tomorrow

goodbye right so good he posted job on the stage do you have a constant it's fucking amazing by the way larry's fired i don't know if you guys know but uh... we just found out he was gay. So we're going to need a new Larry. I mean, you all saw his performance just now. It was really maybe that's it. Maybe high tops is like the fall, you know, the night and 1980s iteration of the fall and like Markey Smith just sacking every single member of the band constantly that they've just gone through anybody who is a plausible musician. Now they have to actually audition their fans during concert because it's such an tolerable asshole. Podcast listener, if you get Martian jokes about the fall just now, your back hurts,

but you're British, so you have health care. What I will say is you guys have quite a large British audience. I know that could come to Q&A and finally you've got someone on the show who will cater to their cultural taste. Exactly. Finally, the four references they've so long. Oh, guns and roses. Oh, American football. The British people that you listen to, you don't care about those things. Give them something British, like a rice pudding, your chip puddings, all the types

of puddings. So, all right. So the band leaves all the teenagers rush the stage, hoping to get like some souvenir, naval, linter, whatever on the way out. Also, so a little behind the curtain here, when we're doing the notes for this, someone will write like the first sentence of a new scene. So you know, like, oh, it's a new season, then we start, this is how we break up our notes. And I wanted to give a big shout out from March, who queued this scene with back to the screaming people.

The problem is sometimes I watch these films before you. And I don't take the labeling of the scenes as seriously or as helpful as you guys. So it's just, sometimes it's just my inner monologue, spilling out on the page. Right. It's the only place he can be free. So, so yeah, so all of the teenagers quote unquote that we've already met, they want to join the band and they're all going to do the auditions and they should do the auditions together and they should get shoes, you know, whatever.

It's just a bunch of that shit for God, five fucking minutes. Can I bring up something here that I found disturbing and quite spooktacular? Can we talk about stupid guy who disappears from the rest of the play? The guy with the Hawaiian shirt? Yeah, there's a guy in a Hawaiian shirt who in this scene will very clearly be established as a main character and one of the kids at this high school. After this scene, he will never be spoken to or about again, he showed up at the bouse and I was like, fuck what the hell happened to that guy?

I assumed he fell and heard himself backstage and like, toughed it out from the bouse. So, and so while they're all talking about how they're gonna audition for the band, nerd kid walks on stage to a fucking favorite character on a 1990s Fox sitcom reception. They lose their minds for him. God, that character is so fucking insufferable from the second it's on his on stage, and it just gets worse throughout. I hate him so much. Well, it's just the, it's just the stereotypical nerd character with no thought put into it whatsoever from 1985, right?

Right. It's like if you let a high school bully write a nerd character because there's no redemption or there's no, oh, he's actually a this or, you know, I've learned you're actually a that. He's just always like, I pooped in my clearest cell. At a certain point, and we'll talk about it when we get to the scenes. At a certain point, I was like, did I create high tops to try to drive Martian scene with

two or three of these characters' voices? If I found out that high tops was actually created and filmed in like 2018, but sort of set with a back mythology that it was a 1985 Christian film that and it was all just bullshit, right, designed to drive people and say, and that would make so much sense. Yeah. And I would make a lot more sense than what we actually had to watch here. Yeah. So yeah, so this bit by the way goes on for fucking ever the nerd bit, it just, we watch

for six minutes and I'm going, and and I have since oh gosh, it all the sense he does have the most pungent on space in Venezuela, which to me sounds like he's throwing down Noah, you've got a contact with him. Yeah, that was the first video game to save high scores. So by definition, it's the only one he's got the ice. Well, 1985, we had some other ones that all of his references are so topical to the 80s that they completely miss now. He's like, and I can't stop wearing my vibe in the boom series.

And oh my gosh, my much shows. And I'm going to, at one point he references a deodorant brand. And I had to like Google it and go back through the Wikipedia archives to see which old phrase brand bought it out in 1992. So, yeah, so he leaves and Heather and Tony who are the couple sort of sort of the main character couple, they have also left. And so all of the other kids are going to gossip about how the two of them are going to go by high tops together in the next scene. Was this film fucking sponsored by the manufacturers of high tops?

I can only imagine that like they found an unlocked shoe store as they were writing this musical and they were like, wait, wait, guys, what if instead of selling these for fentanyl with these the musical around their availability? So, all right. So they roll in some quick signage and it's time for them to go to the shoe store. All the kids come dancing in and they sing a song about high tops. Oh, God. Again, they come dancing in, but like 40% of their dance moves are just doing a high kick.

Well, high is very generous. Okay, medium high kick, a medium heart, a waist level kick. And then another 40% is just airplane arms. So it's a high kick, high kick airplane arms, high kick airplane arms. We're done. Yeah. That for 20 minutes straight. Oh, God, and the lear's, it's like running the sun.

Look at you run in your high times. Back when music immense something like these lyrics are been all compared to scat. Yeah. Things they're not even necessarily really a running shoe though are they like a high top top top top. It's not even.

Look at you running high tops badly. You should be wearing some sort of like ergonomic running shoe. You'd be way more efficient. You'd shave minutes of your personal best over a few miles, but they're really excited about this so they do some low level acrobatics. Well, break dancing. They just same guy. The same guy comes. It doesn't know there. Yes, acrobatics. As though he heard us joking earlier in the podcast and was like, I can also do a headspring. Yes. I was actually saving the headspring turn the end of act one just so you know,

just so you know. And then the nerd kid, they do that like the assisted backflip him and Antoni do the assisted backflip thing and then he goes to do a little break dancing and then thinks better of it. Yep. Oh yeah, yeah, we've got a 80s white guy break dancing a K.A. bottom scooching. Yes, you just like a bottom scooch, bottom scooch and a circle. Ta-da done. Yeah. Look, one of my life goals and one of my deepest fantasies is to surround teeth with a circle of people who just start go, heath, go heath, go heath, until we trick him into dancing. And then everybody booze him. The dancing happening on this stage is about as close to that fantasy as I've gotten at

this point in my life. A hundred percent. And what we cannot emphasize enough is just how this is all happening under the same basically two lines of a song repeated. I would say 500 times. Like the audience give a massive cheer when the song's finished and I can only assume that because they realize they're no longer stuck in a time loop that they are free to go about their lives and have like families and children and an

edge because the time loop is broken. Right, that they are going to get to the back to the parking lot at some point. Yeah. No, the whole song, the song is about the fact that high tops are a kind of ship. Right. That's the only thing there's the high tops don't come to symbolize anything within the song is just, hey, look at those shoes. Huh? Huh? The song. So now apparently the writers are like, oh, fuck, this movie has to be about something. So we're going to cut up to some color coded angels that are looking down on earth, right? We have pink angel, blue angel, and green angel.

Imagine how badly your writing has to be going for you to have to flash cut to Evan for your plot. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile in the eternal box. Yeah, there are. Here we go. And this is where we find out that the lack of diction isn't just constrained to their

singing voice because the angels are completely incomprehensible. I wrote down what she says is just look at the Dacillate to this memory tubes on the subject of fast. What? What? What? Yeah, so the angels have, and I had to piece this together, it took a minute, the angels have tubes that they can look through that tell you human memories or something. And they're looking through it, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with fashion. Fashion.

Yeah, that's what the fat was. Oh, right. Okay. The entire time they're doing this by the way, they're doing it and such whether they have to keep putting in these, no trust me, that was a joke pauses. Yup. And let the audience, like, three of the audience members go,

oh, I should laugh, he would be very upset if I didn't. Hehehe. They also, they have a weird moment where they're like, yeah, all the fashion trends from different eras are all different. I bet they'd all dislike each other and I wrote my notes. I mean, I feel like Bronze Age people would, you know, dig a T shirt. I don't think it's all that separate angel, ladies. Yeah.

So they look up the definition of fads or fashion or something. They read the dictionary definition of fads. Yes. They're so desperate for things to say on this day. Usher in English dictionary defines bad ass. And then they're like, the bad thing references peer pressure. They're like, what's peer pressure? Like, I guess you could look it up in the same fucking dictionary, but they're like, no, no, we're going to ask the archangel Gabriel.

I'm sure he's not doing anything. So he shows up wearing a couch. Yes, yeah, he's dressed like, he's dressed as a golden hot dog in a shiny blue bun. That is why he's dressed as. See, yeah, that's about to jump over some like a bunch of buses. Yeah. Yeah.

All I can imagine is that they had to pick their costumes from flashgordans left over there. Right, Brian bless it didn't want. He refused to wear this so you guys can have it. So they ask Gabriel, they're like, hey, man, what's peer pressure? And he's like, you know, sometimes it's bad. And I'm like, sometimes is it good

when it's trying to turn people into your religion gave? Is that the exception? And it is. That's the exception. Also, at one point here, I think it's just a mistake with the editing or the copy that's on YouTube. But at one point here, I think it's just a mistake with the editing or the copy that's on YouTube, but at one point Peter's face gets blurred out, like he was originally played by Chris D'Aliah. I'm out of very distracting. I got there is that cult case that went through that said, you have a right to be forgotten

on Google. Sure. Yeah. Sure. He's like, his name is scrubbed and they've had to go through and scrub his picture. Yeah. He's out of all of the scenes. So yeah. So we listened to Gabriel explain peer pressure from cocaine's point of view for a little while. And then God shows up in the form of like flashing epilepsy lights and Gabriel's like, what's that? God. I should send them to

earth and make them pretend to be teenagers long enough to learn this lesson about peer pressure. Is that the plot? Okay. Also, I just have to point out that when God showed up with his flashy lights, the app that I have on my iPad for epilepsy popped up a morning that said, this movie might not be safe for you. And I was like, you're telling me to have my iPad.

Continue. So they do this whole like your mission, should you choose to accept it as to 21 jump street your way into the high school at the center of this story and learn about peer pressure, right? How badly did you guys want a shot for shot remake of varsity blues, but with angels? I was only trying to think of like, never been Christ. Doesn't quite. I think I think he says you have to infiltrate the high school. I'm like, yeah, Christianity has gotten way better at that since 1985.

Let me tell you. But then he warns me. He's like, but it could be dangerous because Satan could rip your soul from your flesh and torture you for eternity if you screw this up. Yeah. Thank you because, because loose, I, I did not remember that being part of the mythos. Right? He's like, well, angels, because I feel like that's a very different pitch, right? Then you're going to go down and see what it's like to be in high school. But of course, if you mess up, Satan will, will, will rent you limb from a bed.

They're also, they're weirdly scared of Satan. Like, oh, no, not Satan. And it turns out Satan is just behind them because like what he lives nearby. Anyway, so Satan isn't like this big evil scary figure they've heard of. He's just like the neighbor who's an asshole. I don't know. Yeah. So he comes in and he starts talking shit.

He's, it took, none of us got this in the moment, but eventually we all realized that he's calling them twerps. He keeps calling the angels twerps, but he's doing the exaggerated Jersey accent. So he's saying, twipes. I heard twats, like, what's every time? It's a fucking hell. Jesus. Come in in England.

That's not that, uh, the hosha word, but in America, that's pretty strong stuff for a, for a satan in a Christian movie. Yeah. And you want to ask about the crazy billionaire remake. It is just whatever Marcia's notes thought Satan was saying in any given time, that's the crazy Christian billionaire remake we're making at this point. So Satan leaves and all the angels are a little nervous now about the mission, but they gave real insists and there's this weird moment where he's like, you got it, you have to give me your wings first, right?

Oh, I really wanted the D-winging to be excruciatingly painful. Blood everywhere, like a fucking titus and dronicus production. Exactly. Oh, God, man, stop. Well, then there's this creepy ass bit because again, these are all teenagers and Gabriel's played by a grown ass man. So there's this creepy ass bit where Gabriel demands that they take off their ropes.

Right, he's like, and now I'll need your ropes and they're all like, oh, I don't think I'm comfortable taking my rope off. And probably he's like, come on. Now take off your rope. And now I'll need your robes. And then they're wearing like these weird nightgowns. And there's this awkward pause because they're waiting for the next scene. And I was like, please don't ask for their nightgowns. Well, he doesn't want to be on a list. Rips the nightgowns right off with them, other fuckers. So he's got a, he's going to to be on the list. Rips the nightgowns right off with the motherfuckers. So he's got a, he's got to reveal their teenager identities by ripping off their, their nightgowns.

One is a valley girl. The other is a nerdy girl and the other is a surfer dude. Yes. That's what he is. I had no idea at all what they'd made him into and nothing they said about him and nothing they said to him gave me any clue. And his name, as we find out, was not helpful to me either. No, we'll get there.

I eventually puzzled that one out too, but that was, I was proud of that. That was like unlocking a fucking secret in a game. I expected that Zelda's little do do do do do to play or something when I figured out what the fuck they called them. Yeah. It's an ARG ongoing about high tops. I figured out what the fuck high tops is about. Also Valley girl, because I don't know who wrote this abomination, but they'd obviously

heard like they stood outside the theater when Heather's was playing or something. It's very unclear how they got this dialogue, but they will just constantly have this girl make sexual references without realizing it. She will say, gag me with a spoon so many times in this Christian movie. It's like, why would you want to gag you with a sense of crazy? Why? Why'd you gag with a spoon? Is that a phrase I had never heard this phrase before?

Was that a phrase? Yeah, it was absolutely a phrase in the 80s. It's not sexual. It's not sexual. It's a Beliemia reference. Okay. I would like to, I would like, look, I should know better than to argue with one Noah, but there's delusions, but I would like to argue that it's a Beliemia reference and it's

sexual. Well, it could be sexual if you want, but it was meant as a Beliemia reference. But yes, gag me with a spoon was spoon was a big thing in the 80s. Just to be clear, Eli, was there an overlap in that vent diagram? Was that two separate circles? It's, it's one circle, baby. It's one beautiful, perfect, thick edge circle. Okay, but so then now that they've got their personalities,

we're gonna get another musical number. This one about fats, right? And this is what music would sound like if they outlawed Dooms I would I would like to give a special thank you out to Michael Marshall for letting me know that this is about Fats Because a lot of my early notes about this number To be deleted. You know once they gave me a penis, I just jerked off for four days

and looked up here pressure on the internet. So. That's. No, so this is my favorite thing about this entire fucking movie, right? They do this home musical number about fads and they want all the characters to come out representing different fads,

but they could only think of one bad, right? That was Hulu. Everything else is just like, an ethnicity or something, right? It's just like, oh, Elvis. Or a dated sketch on SNF. Yeah. Right, right.

Oh yeah, there's that weird cone head thing. Yes, one of the kids dressed as a cone thing. Yes. One of the kids. That's what that was. Cone head. Yes. I thought it was either a penis with glasses or like an earthworm. I was baffled. My notes are very confused. I don't know that it wasn't though. I feel your theories are as likely as Eli's in my mind.

Yeah. I mean, I also did write in my notes. Look, I was six when the 80s ended. Is this what they really look like? I know. I know. Yeah, I liked a lot the 80s ended, is this what they really look like? Yeah, I like to lie like that. I mean, there was as many earthworms as many as sapient earthworms as in this scene, but mostly. Yeah. So yeah, eventually they do come back around to headbands, which was also a fad. So, you know, well done there, but that's it. They all saw this song as it goes. They bring the song to a

close and then carry on again and then bring it to another. And they just can't fake in the end of the song. And the audience falls for every time like like they're a dog and you're pretending to throw the stick with your hand in the tail. No, it's not it's still going. I don't know. It's still still going to go. It's just that so many times in a row. Yeah, no, this this Coda was my nameless by the time it finally won. All right, well, tell you what, believe it or not, now they have shoes and what are fads anyway? Are act break type moments in this piece of shit. So we're gonna pause there, but we're back in a flash

with even more high tops. Hot tops, look at your body, yeah. Hot tops. K. K. Hello, hello, look at your body, yeah. Heart, dance! Hahahaha! Hello, hello, hello! Roy, what's all this then? No, what is Eli doing? Oh, he's practicing his English to Manchester Rees for our trip to QED.

My dad ain't got no job, does he? Look, can I just show you guys a map of the UK? Damn it, Marsh. You just read the script. Right, yeah, okay, oh yes, yeah, flawless Manchester ease, but why does he need that? Well, mostly for ordering food at your fine culinary establishments, he's gotten a little spoiled by Hello Fresh.

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Okay, no, that does sound good, yeah. So where can I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com, slash awful 65, and use the code awful65 for 65% off plus free shipping. Or as they say in Manchester, go to HelloFresh.com, slash awful 65, and use code awful 65 for 65 off plus free shipping, Gavna. He like, do you think British people just add Gavna after American English sentences?

No. Just the poor ones. Okay. A minions gather around me. Yes, Master. Yes, Your Eveleness. I, Satan, Prince of Darkness, have decided to journey to Earth

for a very special mission. Oh, Lord Satan, what dastardly D has brought you forth from your kingdom to earth? I'm gonna go to a high school and start a satanic cult and pregnant someone with the Antichrist. Oh, I shall be a pressure at teenage girl to drink and cheat on a quiz. Oh, yeah, sure, I guess that's a bad underage drinking sure yeah sure Hey, what's the matter you guys aren't impressed? I

Mean honestly If we can be frank of course of course an open workplace, you know, I just I guess I have a little confused like you The Prince of Darkness source of all evil spends quite so much time on like Prince of Darkness, so I saw all evil, it's been quite so much time on like, the obedience of teenagers. Yeah, like, maybe you could do some war or famine or something. Yeah, yeah, some men. Hey, I mean, in my defense, the humans are doing war and famine just fine on their own. In a spare.

Yeah, I suppose. Are we in open office? Oh, yeah, yeah. You guys not get Kim Z-Mail? Honestly, she sends a lot and at this point I'm pretty much skimming the subject lines, you know? Yeah, yeah, me too. Okay, we'll read them. There's important stuff in there. Sometimes.

Sometimes. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Heather and Tony catching up after the big dramatic shoe shopping moment. They're going to show it and they went shoe shopping together. And now afterwards they're showing each other and what shoes they got. Which doesn't the timeline is a fucking mess in this. Why does this film have such a strong shoe theme?

I know it's held high tough, but that does not answer the question. I don't know. No, no, no, actually, that just makes the question worse and do it depends and answer more. Yeah, there's definitely a fetish going on here. Also, Tony buys shoes with purple sequins and I wrote in my notes, okay, a third of this audience is now willing to kick Tony out of his alley. Yeah, so yeah, they both have nice silly shoes. And then Tony introduces Heather to the surfer dude, Angel, twin Finn. Twin Finn. Twin Finn.

I didn't figure this out until like much later in the movie, but what they're going for, he's supposed to have two side by side Mohawk, so purple one and a green one. And that's twin fists. They didn't want to act. He wouldn't have an actual Mohawk though because those are the tools of the devil. So he just kind of pull it in the edges of his hair, slightly green and slightly purple and then pretended he had Mohawks. So what I think happened is they wrote this whole movie with the idea that they were going to be able to find a sweet wig with two Mohawks and then they, they couldn't find

that. So they did this and they didn't change the script because they, because he says, don't you think my dad will love his Mohawks at this point? And eventually it all clicked with me. That's twin, Finn, like shark fins. At that point, I assumed that was a type of shoe like a moccasin. I thought everything was gonna be very shoe based in this film. I know, that's fair, that's fair. I thought his name was Toi-Full. Like one of the brothers Karim Maasov, and I was like, that is a fucking weird reference.

I'm like, how's he? So yeah, so, but then he's like, don't you think my dad will love his mohots and Heather says, well, I don't know, your dad's pretty old fashioned. Now that, that's 80s code for physically abusive. Yes, it's absolutely. Yeah. He turns to the audience and he does like a out of character monologue, where he explains that his dad is the quote archie bunker type and I would love to know what a Christian audience of the 1980s thinks of Archie Biker. You eat racist, is it racist?

Does that work going for? I had this realization where I was like, I don't know that Christians don't think that on the family is about a guy who gets everything right and his stupid family keeps bucket. So yes, so he's telling us this story about his dad's homophobia. And as he's doing it, he's trying to do his dad's Italian accent, but he's terrible at this shit. So the accent is just wandering the Mediterranean.

And this kid is not Italian. Oh, no, this is not a kid of Italian heritage. I don't like, I wouldn't have imagined. And certainly from the accent that he's doing, if it is Italian, it's a hate crime perpetrated by a member of that community. Because at one point he says, you know, well, my dad says dance singer and a singing is for our sissies. It's like, well, first of all, like for one thing, your son's wearing purple sequins shoes. So that ship is very much set. Yeah.

I would worry too much about that. Yeah. He actually learned this Italian accent from Chris Pratt's Mario. He started that trip when forward in time. It was a whole thing. So, okay. So then we check it on Valley Girl Angels. She's going to monologue to us for a very long time.

And in case the Valley Girl accent wasn't annoying enough for you, she also is going to have a cold during this. How? How has she developed a cold? She's like, oh, I didn't realize that human bodies, I'd get a cold. It's been two hours. You've been, you've said you've been down from heaven for two, where have you been to catch undeveloped? Yes. A cold within two hours. She must have just inherited this is a drugs withdrawal thing. All ready, virulent body. You're so yeah, that's not a cold. This is a drugs withdrawal thing.

She's the first thing she did was get straight on the smack. One hundred percent. I wrote my notes. Look, there was a lot of snorting and sniffing in the 80s. I get it. Yeah, well, excuse me. But eventually God cures her cold for her, but not until after the fucking monologue.

Yeah, brilliant use of a deity to kill this angel two hours old cold. Right. Something else is gonna go wrong in this that could have used some deity's help midway through. I also, I just have to note that the entire time she's doing her monologue, Twinfin, and the others are in a freeze,

but the outfit they've chosen to put twin fit in is these incredibly tight pantaloon stockings. So I'm trying to make jokes about this girl's valley girl accent, but I'm also just staring at this teenager's joke. Deep, deep discomfort. Yeah, no, it was laver and fast skittets in a exposure. So yeah, so but then eventually ultimately her monologue ends and Twinfin introduces her to Heather and Tony and they all walk off together and then we get nerd and all the other unnamed team like nerd is over here doing his thing and all the other unnamed team show up to make fun of like how nerdy he is. And this is where they play a prank on him.

Yeah. And so someone goes over to play the prank. And while that prank is happening, the rest of them are all sort of like stood watching. And for no reason, one of that crowd mounts another of that crowd and is like riding them like a horse midway through this scene for, for absolutely no reason. Yes. Yeah. I had to rewind and check because I, I, that I noticed it they were just on the person's back And I thought had they always been in the person's back Is that a thing I had to find out at the moment that it happened there are no small roles Marshall So yeah, but the prank that they're gonna pull on him is that they're gonna tell him that barber pole girl is

Secretly in love with him so that the hill go flirt with her and embarrass himself, right? So he does that. He goes and he's said, try to say hi and she tells him that he's smelly and ugly and nerdy. Yeah. And how he should be in a special school, which fuck me. That was, that was a very quick thing to get to very quickly. Yeah. There was a deal. There was a, they, they should pin some kind of a color coded thing on people like him. So that we know, yeah, she got real close to Nazi there. But then she has to monologue to us about how she has rich parents that hate the fuck out of her.

Yeah. Right. Just at one point, so she has an impressive wardrobe. And I'm like, man, you are dressed like a candy from World War I. I don't believe almost anything, but you do not have an impressive wardrobe. Yeah. So yeah, and then, so during her monologue about how awesome she is, Satan shows up

in a thriller jacket. I think he's trying to go for thriller, but he comes off Mollog beep up a rock stage. Yup. For sure, I definitely wanted to throw a donut down, to throw a donut down, and change it back into a normal teenager. So, but Satan has also infiltrated this school. He's pretending to be a student there too now.

Can I just say the stakes of heaven and hell are just a lot lower than I expected in this universe? Absolutely. I was my notice like, man, this is a look. Well, yeah, because Satan's just like, hey, everybody, I'm the new kid. Louie, huh? Because it's like Lucifer, but it's not that. Anyway, do you guys remember that there's a pop quiz in history and everybody's like, oh, devil.

What's up? So did Satan make that look? I don't want to go full heath and just create my own fictional universe within the universe of this film Did Satan make there be a pop quiz? Guess that's entirely possible, but yeah, so he turns to Barbara pole and he says ah, yeah You're probably gonna do really bad on that history test, but hey, what if you cheated on the history test and she's like, no, cheating. Okay, you taught me into it. Yeah, I'm not going to be persuaded to cheat that easily.

Could you give me some sort of shit song about it? That might be just enough to take me over the edge. Yes, we fucking, this kicks off a Satan tempting them to cheat on a pop quiz musical. And the chorus of this is cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. Just a little bit cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. I wrote in my notes straight out of the try guys new employee handbook. Yes, and that's just going to go on for an eternity. This song is so repetitive that I started thinking

there's like a writer's strike, a third of the way through writing this song and they're like, we gotta make it work, guys, we gotta make it work. So this is the thing, this is where I realized that the repetitive nature, how every single song in this entire fucking thing, repeats every line at least eight times.

That helps pay off the fact that every single line is indecisable. You can't understand a word they're saying. So if you get every third word of a sentence that's repeated six times, by the end you're like, okay, I do never send it. It's fine. I've got it now. I've pieced it together. Yeah.

It's like, it was a joke, a puzzle, but with your ears. So yeah, so we listened to the cheat song for an an ordinarily long amount of time. As the songs wrapping up, they roll out the classroom set. So we ended in first period history. The teacher goes to hand out the test. They, they stop for a moment here to acknowledge that yes, the new kids in class wouldn't have to take the test today. That feels like a bit of admin that we didn't need. Yes. Played out on stage.

We could have, we could have got that. It's fine. We know how school works. Of course, now, if any of you actually have like a thousand wings all over your bodies and can call the voice of God into existence, you don't have to take the quiz. The audience at this point, they're so beleaguered and confused that when the teacher explains the rules of the test, the audience react to it like it's a joke because they've lost all comprehension of what constitutes a joke.

Right. They're like, oh, he walked all the way across the stage without needing assistance. Was that acrobatics? So I'm not in church. It's a Sunday. Anything but church. It's a Sunday. Anything but church.

And it's so good because the teacher having outlined all of the rules this test then leaves the room was the test starts and they start singing the cheat, cheat song again. And I wanted the teacher to come back in and say like, did I hear you guys immediately start singing cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, complete course. The second I left the room. Guys, did I leave the room for zero seconds and you devolved into what can only be described as an orgy of cheating? Yes.

I mean, he's running around. They're copying all the bit. Now, first of all, you can't copy off of somebody's paper, the instant that the goddamn test starts. What would you be copying? Exactly. It's the test. It's a terrible time to copy her answers.

Her answer so far. I'll have fucking name. That's all she's written. So yeah, but everybody's trying to cheat off a Heather and Norman. The teacher comes back, they all sit down or whatever, try to act like everything is normal. But then Heather gets an F because the teacher catches her talking to Barbara pull about how she's not going to tell her the answer to number 36 or whatever, right?

Oh, God. And at this point, this is all taking place on the stage, but there's the blocking of the stage and the scenery. And they've just got the backing dancers who are normally coming on occasionally and doing some like cartwheels, just doing some like sad dancers through, like they do, sort of ASL-Vire interpretive dance. And this is the cheating dance and the sad caught cheating. Yes, yeah, exactly.

So, and the teacher's like, well, you get an F Heather, and Norman tries the nerd kid, tries to rescue her and explain what's really happening, but Barbara Paul makes it very clear that she will break his fucking dick off if he does. It's a weird shift in tone. I gotta tell you, it's a weird, it's just like, you know, the, and the backup dancers are like, what the fuck do we do?

You know, pop up a schedule in the throne. He's like, hey, chee, chee, chee. He's a stab touch, stab violence, stab touch. So the, so the class ends. All the kids shuffle on except for Heather and Valley girl. Valley girl comes up to Heather and commiserates with her about how awful it must be to have gotten an F on the test because someone else cheated. Right.

And she's like, that's right. I hate Barbara pole chick. And Valley girl's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow the fuck down. Let's get godly about this. Right. Yeah. It Let's get godly about this, right? Yeah. It's not just godly.

She goes into a deep psychological analysis mode like a forensic psychologist piecing together Bobapole, the serial killer. Just everything she's ever done to piece together her entire childhood. It's really weirdly in depth as a character study. Yeah, no, there's a Hannibalesque kind of a nature to it all, but yeah, but she figures out that it must be really that

Barbara pole doesn't think she's good enough and has to take it out on other people and and it why why God would forgive Barbara Polso we should too Right, that's the gist of her little monologue here And Then we get direct address from nerd girl we cut over to her and she starts talking about how hard it is to be a nerdy girl in school and not have any friends. And this is where we see the characters, they're like, the scene in the background. They've got these kind of blocks that are moving around to change the scene all the time. And the characters are climbing on them and jumping on them and then moving them around a

lot. And I wrote in this, in my notes at this point, I really hope they forget to fasten those blocks down. That'd be nice. That's some point in moving them. I want that to happen rather than anything that's I really hope they forget to fasten those blocks down. That'd be nice. At some point in moving them. I want that to happen rather than anything that's going to happen in the rest of this plot. Just let the nerd guy come and jump on one of these things, it moves. He falls, he breaks something.

And the next 45 minutes, he's just watching him bleed out. That would be preferable. I was I was rooting for a spider man into the dark moment myself. Yeah. Yes. But the nerd girl monologue, this ultimately resolves in the meet cute between her and nerd boy. Nerd boy and nerd girl!

Except she's an angel that was created when time began. Yeah, exactly. And if you're thinking yourself, Eli, what a weird joke that's certainly not gonna come into the musical, you're wrong. That is true. That is absolutely true. Yeah.

So it's funny because the way they do this, like he's, they're locker mates, but he's a bottom, she's a top. And and she, he, she waxed him in the head with her locker. Oh, God. She barely touches him. What? Yeah. She barely taps him and like he's currently, and he's immediately knocked for six by a

time it'll tap on the head, like his fun to nail never closed. So he's rolling around and they want to do the love at first sight thing, but they have a lot of dialogue to do before that. So they have to have him like holding his head and purposely not looking at her for a very long time. But eventually their eyes meet. It's love at first sight. He sings about how nerd hot she is. He sings about how nerd hot she is. She sings

about how nerd hot he is. And then we get a duet. Oh, these characters are each doing a voice that's so irritating. At this point, I wrote in my notes, the movie is as close as I've gotten to just putting my finger next to Marsha's face and saying, not touching you for an hour. Right. Next month, we'll have them review the sound of nails on a chalkboard for two hours. Yeah, that's what you've got in your notes. What I've got in my notes is in Guantanamo as a pharmaceutical doctor, they play prisoners, the theme tune to Barney the Dinosaur at Ears glitting volume. If they really wanted to fuck with them, they should have got the prisoners to write comic

reviews of this movie instead. I just can't stop thinking about how this film is extensively about high top trainers. There's nothing I can say about what's going on here. It's paint by numbers still. Yeah. Inso being, I thought it was the least unpleasant part of the movie, which is, I say that because I'm damning the rest of the movie with it, right? Yeah, absolutely. But at this moment, for just a second, it's just a story of a nerd girl meeting a nerd boy, which is, you know, at least not terrible

and damaging psychologically. There's no homophobia in it for a minute, you know? But then they start, they're like matching nerd laughs, and I'm like, oh, fuck, man, just bring back the homophobia, I guess. The song ends with a pink oval wipe on the screen. Firstly, because they couldn't either find or afford a heart. There's a wipe of that. We wipe to the same scene, because they just wanted to bring that up and they do nothing with it. Yeah, so the song ends, they have some

handfully bad flirt. But it's, it's, we're watching Heath flirt on both sides, right? It's that's what we're watching here. Yeah. Yeah. He says how she's not got like two lumps on his head. She said you got two lumps in your head. And he says, well, you know, two lumps are better than one, right? So yeah, but then three is definitely worse, right?

You like? So, but then the two of them laugh, nerdily together and walk off hand in hand. And then we cut to Tony and Twin Finn at a different locker. Tony opens his locker. This is one of the weirdest attempts at humor, like flat attempts at humor I've ever seen in my fucking life. He opens his locker, Tony does, and like vines shoot out of it.

And he explains to us that, oh, that's the three bean salad that he left in their months ago. Yeah. What? Occasionally, and this is not the first time this has happened. I'm forced to reflect on that this is the kind of material you produce when you can't talk about sex or mainstream media or love or life or anything that matters because you're crazy Christians. You just end up being like, I didn't eat lunch months ago. This is 12 minutes of our show. Yeah. Yeah. I really wanted this scene to be a

beat by beat reenactment of the previous scene, but featuring Tony and twin fitted. That point I'd be right back in it. I mean, it pretty much is. Let's not. The tension between these two actors is. That is true. That is true. He also gives us some more Italian jokes here because it was the 80s and Italians were as far as Christians needed to go back then for their minorities. He explains that he can't stop the plant because if he brings it home, his mom will cook it up and serve it to him. Yes, because she's Italian. You know how they are? They're always serving plants.

Eating wings. Yeah, that must have been said in the writer's room. Oh, you know what, Italians and their food. And love of greens. So yeah, but he explains to Twinpin that he's going to marry Heather because he really wants to fuck her, right? Yeah. And Tony is more believably Italian than he is interested in Heather. Well, that leads to a really weird moment, right? Because he's sitting next to Twintfin and he goes apropos of that. He says, so Twintfin, what do you think about sex

before marriage? And it definitely sounds like an alpha-race. That's not very much. Yeah. He used to swing fins like, ah shit. Okay, let me get a water bottle and find a shower somewhere. I can meet you. And I'm fucking.

Yeah. So yeah, so he, and of course, I'm writing in my notes that this, well, first I wrote, oh, it's supposed to be side by side. Mohox, this is where I figured that out. But then I wrote my notes. I wrote, please tell me we're about to get a sex before marriage is wrong musical number.

Don't you tease me high tops? We will. We will get that. It takes a minute, but we'll get there. We will get there. But first, Twinfin has to monologue about how, you know, Tony shouldn't try to have sex before marriage because that's not how God would do it. I got, I don't know. If you heard the story of his only begotten son, I was doing that

in this. That's how he deals. So when he's trying to explain this, I know that it's a different definition of take advantage, but he stands up and he's like, look, anyone can take advantage of a girl. And I was like, I'm sorry. How did you jump over to rapist? Yeah. And then so but twin Finn sends him off. He's like, no, don't try to have sex with her because I'm the angel on your shoulder. And then Satan comes in and he's like, that's all right. That's all right. I'll jump on the other shoulder. And they've seen this bit. And Satan is looking absolutely like a 70s glam rock star here, like a hundred percent, like a 70s glam rock star. And then the first thing he does is try to get some underage kids to fuck. So it's a 70s British glam rock star.

Yeah. So he's like, I'll get him the fuck and then he wanders up. So after he wanders up, Balli girl catches up with twin Finn. And she's like, Hey, so what's going on? He's like, well, you know, Tony's trying to fuck Heather and she's like, hey, so what's going on? He's like, well, you know, Tony's trying to fuck Heather. She's like, apropos, nothing you want to turn invisible and watch the two of them. Wait, why haven't we just been using our invisibility powers? I said you want to remember. And they're turning invisible is they, they wave the hands in front of their faces.

And then there's an amazing special effect put on the picture picture and then they just quite quietly walk behind a bed. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, hey, why don't we stay back to back this whole time while we're watching? So but yeah, so they they dematerialize and then we watch Tony catch up with Heather and Try to pressure her into sex for a while. I mean, as much as this lovely young purple sequin shoot actor, well, yeah. Hey, Heather, what's that? You and, uh, sorry, give me a second.

What's that? You and I, I just can't wait to see your vagina. Well, that's the other thing to us because they can't really actually say sex here. They don't want any kids to know more about fucking when they leave than they did when they came in. Right. So he's like, well, you marry me and she's like, it's a little early for that. He's like, we could go to make out point.

And that's it. And she's like, oh, okay. What's it does? So you, you know, we're except for fuck stuff. It's not even make out point, is it? Cause they can't even do the same making out. Inspiration. It is.

Assistant. I also really appreciated that he was like, will you marry me? And she was like, shit, our audience is Christian. That's a normal question to ask in high school, but I don't know. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, I just, I want to make lifelong decisions with my brains. I want to get married at 24, you know, the year before the prefrontal cortex is typically

for the camera. Yeah, right. That's the optimal time to marry. Yeah, no, she goes into this monologue about how abstinent she is and she explains that she doesn't want to have sex until she gets married. She doesn't go to get married until she's 24. And I'm like, you underestimate sex. But yeah. And then after her model of the audience cheers her abstinence. They're really excited about that.

And then Tony gets a little, a little date rapie. Yeah. More than a little weird line they wrote for him. Yeah. And then they made me wait for it, but then she sings a song about how he's not getting in these pants. Yeah, because he says something that is a music cue. And I wrote in my notes, I'll fuck, he said a music cue.

Will they never learn? Don't say music cues. And then I realized it was specifically a music cue to I need a hero from the sound of her vocals. That's the song we immediately went into. Yeah, right. So I have a pocket theory here because the intro is just a little too long. I think she misses her first Q because it's like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

and I was like, okay, someone, someone is waiting for an eight count to resolve before they start singing about not fucking. Yes. Yeah. So the fucking, the refrain from this Christian musicals love song is stand back, slow down. Yeah. That's their instruction to Christian lovers. And the song is all about how a girl needs to fight and not give in and how he's never going to win her that way. Yes. The whole movie, like you just want to say to the movie, you know that like women also really like sex. They're often an enthusiastic participant. They're not a prize.

They're often in, I mean, no one involved in production. This has either had sex with someone enthusiastically willing, but it is. No, normally they've been convinced that a wet vagina is a disease by the but yeah, so but so she sings this terrible like she's got the worst voice in the show or the worst dub no for voice in the show anyway, but she sings a song about how they ain't gonna fuck that's got a kind of pretty groovy bass solo do it right? Yeah, and then she ends the song by telling him to go take a cold shower and the crowd fucking loses it. Oh my, I would have given anything for a crowd shot.

They she could have surfed her way. Absolutely. So. All right. Well, let's do what dramatically not fucking is a new one on me. So we're going to need a minute for me to process that before I take it. Let me give it actually the hard. So will Tony get some conciliatory hand stuff?

Is Barbara pole still down to fuck? What the fuck does any of this have to do with high tops? By now the answers to these questions in part when we return for the cacophonous conclusion of high tops. Hi, I'm Michael Marshall. And I'm Eli Bosnick. You know, on my brief visit to America early this year

when I was trying to save my wife from your ravaging plagues or stranded by your non-functional transportation system, I noticed something. You Americans drink a lot of coffee. Yes, we do, Marsch. Yes, we do. It may be wonder. Why?

Well, Marsch, depending on the brand, coffee is two to three times as caffeinated as tea. So we here in the States could use the stimulation because we are so, so tired. But the one part of my day that the capitalist hellscape can never ruin is my morning cup of trade coffee. What's trade coffee? Trade coffee is a coffee subscription service that makes it simple for you to discover new coffees and make your best cup of coffee at home every day. No fancy equipment required.

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started sponsoring us and they loved heaths choices and dark and complex Rose so much they made an official God awful movies collection out of his choices Which I am fine with and not hurt by at all Dude is on the show four times a year you chose his coffee choices. It's fine. I'm fine with it I'm fine, but yes trade coffee picks out great dark roasts with flavor profiles that I love each and every month Upgrades your coffee today with trade coffee and let them take the guesswork out of finding your perfect cup That's drink trade dot com slash awful for $30 off your subscription to the best coffee in the country drink trade dot com slash awful

Coffee because I don't know how long we can keep doing this. Yeah, like I mean in England. You have out here long week and keep doing this. Yeah, like I mean in England, you have out there. I'm telling you Malachi, we're totally going to get caught being angels. No, we won't just play it cool. Alright, glass settled down. Now today we're going to be talking about our growing bodies. A darn it. Dude, be cool.

So who can tell me some of the things you might experience while going through puberty? What do we start with deal with in Newcastle? Um, right. Yeah. Um, our bodies have hair? Yes. Yes, puberty care growth. Dude, how do you know that?

Look, yes. And Andrew, how about you? Can you tell me which parts of the anatomy might grow larger during puberty? My anatomy? Yeah, come on, there's, don't be embarrassed, there are no wrong answers. The 10,000 eyes and mouths that cover you

to sing the song of Jehovah. Fantastic. Wait, really? No, but this is a public school of Florida, so,. Fantastic. Wait, really? No, but this is the public school of Florida, so, you know, right, right? Okay, well, that's all we can say about that. Let's do the pledge again, and then you kids can go do Fett and I'll end the bathroom.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Satan harassing the nerd girl Grace. I got confused at this point with the the Satan's accent. He referred to her as the noise, the noise from like the dog. Oh, yeah. I also was confused by that. And the means by which he's chosen to mock her is,

Ha, ha, you're a multi-winged army of God. So that nerd kid won't be able to fuck you. Yeah, that was pretty much it. But she tells Satan to fuck up. And the audience, by the way, the audience is fucking great because they treat, as this guy comes on, like they play along and they boo and they hiss at him and shit. But like as the show goes on, they start to like actually have a seething hatred for him because of that. I would note out about it. Absolutely. I wonder if this guy gets the shit beat out of him after show. They're waiting for him in the parking lot.

But yeah, but Satan seems to think that like he's gonna trick her into fucking Norman beforehand so she can't get back into heaven, which if you think about it as a super cruel thing for God to have set her up for anyway. So now that her and nerd boy, Norman are on a bench together and he's talking about how awesome it is that there's finally a girl that likes him and that talks to him and that he that he can really relate to and why boy, she have something ever happened between the two of them. He didn't know what he would, and then she tells him that she has an angel and therefore has no genitals and, and, and cannot love.

And can I say I did not see that coming as part of the blood for this teen musical is like, oh, Norman, I'm sorry, I'm an angel from outer space. Luckily, Norman's a teenage boy and he just wants to get his dick wet. So he has no follow up questions except whether or not he's going to get to second place. Yeah. He's like, so the no genitals thing, we've got options there, right? I mean, you've got the main thing's missing, but there's, there's other, we can do with the stuff, right?

It's all kind of stuff that we can, yeah, that we could, you could touch it. But yeah, so he sure is bummed. He's so bummed in fact that he's thinking about not even trying out for high tops. Now, and she's like, but then what the fuck would the third act be, man? Yeah, she gives him this weird pep talk, which is all about how like God loves you more than I do,

which is rough from the woman he loves. So I know you love me, but like God loves you more than I do. And you know, look what God's done to you so far, and that's more than I love you. So, you know. Also, can I just say that during this musical number, it felt as though the pianist was trying to play them off to end the song?

Right, right, because it barely matched what they were saying and doing is just like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Yeah. No, I thought, at one point, I thought that maybe the pianist was trying to drown her out. And I loved him for it. You know, she also encourages him to measure himself the way God does. And I wrote in my notes, all or nothing with internal damnation is the stakes, because I don't think that's a good idea. Yeah. right. Exactly. Bad advice, lady. So, okay. So then we get Barbara pole running into Satan and she sure is nervous about her upcoming audition to be in high tops, but she admits that it's not so much that she wants to be in the band is that she wants to do better than Heather. Yeah. She just wants to beat Heather. Also, this is the first time that she wants to do better than Heather. Yeah, she just wants to beat Heather.

Also, this is the first time that Satan offers her drugs in a pill bottle. Yes, it's a film canister full of red hearts. It's amazing. Also, I genuinely at this point was surprised how annoyed I was that the stakes of this movie were that some irritating kids were going to be auditioning for a band that we've been told nothing about. We've seen a tiny bit of them on stage, but we know nothing about why they love this band. What's so great about this band? How big is this band? Why the fuck is it called? High

types. Yeah. Exactly. We've got no information on them, but that's the stakes of this movie. That's the thing we're meant to care most about here. Yeah. Yeah. So, but Satan has an idea, right? He's like, hey, you want to do some drugs? And she's like, not yet. And he goes, okay, I'll bring it up again later and then again, and then again.

But between now and then, I got a great idea how you can make sure Heather doesn't beat you. What if you just lie to her and tell her that the audition has been moved to a different time? Well, Satan doesn't actually suggest that. He says, you should do something to stop Heather auditioning. And I thought, oh, they're going to go full ton you're harding on. But no, she just says to Heather, oh, the audition's been moved back an hour.

But it's still going to be going on an hour. Like, even if there was only the dozen kids that we've seen auditioning, it's going to take more, they're not going to have like five minutes at most each with zero turnaround. It's turn up an hour late, you're probably still going to be fine. Tell us tomorrow. Also, by the way, the last interaction that Heather had with Barbara Paul was when like Barbara Paul was cheating on her and history and made her get an F on her test because of it and then didn't tell the teacher why would she believe this girl. Yeah, holy is she supposed to be she does appear to have the memory of a goldfish. Yeah, problematic for her character.

Yeah, I did realize the reason why this movie doesn't know how long auditions are meant to take is because this movie clearly give a part to literally everybody who was willing to be in it. Yeah, auditions for this movie was just like 10 minutes of like who was willing to be in it. Yeah. Or addition to this movie was just like 10 minutes of like, okay, you guys, yes, you're the main guy off we go. That was the entire audition sequence for this movie. So okay, so now it's time for everybody to get ready for their big audition.

The lead singer of the band from the beginning of the movie returns. And we're going to get a song now called, I want to be in the band where each of them will come up They'll do a little bit a little stick about their character and then they'll sing this I want to be in the band chorus, right? Right and the chorus is like the god. I hope I get it opening number from fame if it was written by Harvey Why see So yeah, so we start with Tony and the guys like so what do you do? He's like, oh, I could rock the fuck out of this saxophone It's a candy. He's like, no, but I can hold it to my mouth while they play saxophone No, he says but he says Tony what do you do musically? He's carrying a saxophone

What could he possibly say that wasn't I played this saxophone? Reach honestly that would have been a great reveal if he had reached into the saxophone and pulled out a harmonica. Come on. It's all about showmanship. And they're all there with their party pieces to do for this audition. And one of the kids who's not one of the ones you get a name for has got a yo-yo and I really love the balls of the kid who turns up to audition for a pop band

with a yo-yo. Like, yeah, I can do this. I'll back myself. I'll back myself. You gotta imagine he's pretty fucking good at yo-yo, though, yeah. So yeah, and so they ask him, they're like, hey, Tony, why do you want to be part of the band? He's like, because Jesus and their like right answer, very good.

I want to use my saxophone to serve the Lord. You know, if the Lord ever needs to get it on. In case there's any 13 year olds, you need to impregnate. I know just had a set of moves. Yeah, right. So, okay. And now another girl comes up and this character has been just sort of like, you know, chorus up to this point. But now she's going to be comic relief because she's bad at singing. So we're going to do the bad singer sings bit, but she's going to do an entire chorus of this fucking song in her bad singing. And nobody in this fucking musical can sing. They're all dubbed over. So the joke is kind of missed when the entire time we've been dealing with the screeching horror that is this music,

and then someone's like that but up one notch. Yeah, exactly. Right. And at the end, when she's done her singing bit, Chachi, the guy from High Top's Asuka, so what else do you do, Lisa? In a way that could not more clearly be saying blowjob. Yeah. But he's absolutely what he means by that.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Again, Harvey Weinstein wrote this scene. So, and then we get a guy who comes in and he's the base. And I guess that's supposed to be the joke is that he's got a very deep voice and therefore, he's also meant to be 12. They say how old you, he says 12. The actor is at least 30.

Yeah. Why say 12? It's fucking inexplicable. I lost my mind when he said 12. Also, he's doesn't have like a super love voice. Right. He's like, I want to be in the band. And I'm like, yeah, it's normal. Well, yeah, I mean, probably lower than I could go. But yeah, the movie's acting like he's about to put his feet up his ass hole. Oh, this is because no one in this film has ever met anybody. Black, they've never heard the bass stanna in a proper choral choral ensemble. So they're like, oh yeah, this is as deep as anybody we've ever met.

Yeah, right. No exactly. So okay. So now it's Barbara Pulse churn. She gets up and she does her bit and man, I'll tell you what, this chorus is so good. I can listen to it for goddamn times to the row back to back. That's how good it is. Oh, sorry, no five times in a row because then everybody sings it together. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. My notes here were less than 30 minutes left. Eli, you can do. Yes.

So, and of course, the lead singer of high tops stops in the middle of this to tell everybody that, you know, even if they don't get the part, Jesus still loves him. He might not love him, but Jesus loves him. I feel like you don't need to Jesus pitch people trying out for your literal fucking Jesus pitch, right? Yeah. The only thing more absurd would be for someone to interrupt him during his pitch to pitch him. I'm so sorry, Rob Schneider, but I just want you right now. Right now. I also like that we've, this is the end of the audition. They do like a big kind of finish. They try to end with one of those kind of tabloos scenes on a stage, but they're so unimaginative. It's just basically like a pile of kids that they hold.

But then that's the end of the audition sequence. But we've only seen four of these kids audition. Why did the rest of the kids turn up? Yeah. If only four of them got to audition. Moral support. Well, sorry, there is one more audition to go. You see, because we still haven't seen Norman. We have his whiny, self-pitying ass audition.

He sings the fucking human version of it's not easy being green. He keeps almost accidentally doing behind blue eyes. It's really, he's like nobody knows what it's like shit. Yeah. And also the, okay, so the voice at this point, this is not the same voice that they dubbed him over with before they might as well have no we are strong doing this song right for how much it matches. Yeah, that 12 year old is dubbed all right. Also, the lyrics to this song as well about how he's kind of he's so sad and no understands him. This song is the cry for help that a student makes before a school shooting. Yeah, I actually had in my notes this is some school shooter levels of woe is me.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But his song ultimately ends. I'm fast forwarding for the sake of the listeners. And the lead singer, the high top singer, announces who made the audition. Now keep in mind, we've seen five people audition.

Six of them made it into the main. All right, everyone. Everyone is in good. It's amazing. The band that we've seen so far is Chachi and three backup dancers. Yes. And he recruits six kids into that band. This is every red flag imaginable. Yes. This is not a real band. This is not a real bond. This is not a real bond.

This is a grooming tactic, 100%. Oh, no. He said he was shorthanded. He didn't say how shorthanded he was. I'm the last surviving member of my band's bus crash. Maybe that was a cut line from the show. Yeah. Yeah, and so of course, everybody goes,

the crowd goes wild for the fact that Norman made it in. The other character's not so much. They don't seem to really care too much about, but Norman made it in and he's the crowd favorite hooray for Norman. So sometime later we get Satan graduating Barbara Paul and he's like, Hey, you know, what would be great to celebrate would be drugs and alcohol together at the same time. Yeah, here's this premium bottle of mouthwash we can, we can sit together. I also, I could do our entire interview. I promise not to. I could do our entire review of this movie just based on how the devil actor holds a bottle

of pills from the bottom at his very fingertips. It's absolutely insane. I heard nothing else. Yeah, he's like a cop who thinks they found fentanyl. He's like trying not to touch it. Yeah, right. So she's like, no, I'm not quite ready for the drugs. And now I call it yet. And he says, all right, I'll keep him handy. We're where were those friends, right? I just know whatever begged me to take drugs. So, but then Heather shows up.

Now, Heather, of course, has been told that the audition had moved back an hour. And since it was only four people doing one chorus before six of them were accepted into the band, it's over now. So she's all very upset with Barbara Pohl for lying to her. And while they're having that fight, the lead singer from high tops walks in and overhears them. Yeah. And he confronts her. He's like, now Jenny, Barbara pole, is that true?

And she's like, yes. Like she couldn't think of another word that would go there if it wasn't true, right? Like, what is lying shit? I forgot a line again. Why why do the auditions over the band leader, the guy who's the the starless band just is still hanging around where the 15 year old girls are? Yeah, he sure the fuck is. He's so clearly cruising for tail, but it's a Christian band. So that absolutely tracks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can I interest you in an I heart hot youth pastors making me give all these away? So. Yeah. So, but he's like, well, I'm sorry, Barbara. But I have to kick you out of the band for being a satanic cheater. Heather,

would you like to audition in this back room? Just you and I and she's like, I sure would. And the two of them wander off. Yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah. So, okay. So now Barbara pulls like, you know what, Satan, if you still have those drugs in that alcohol, I would take some now. Give me your pills and start pouring. Pouring wet, he's only got a bottle. Is he just that part like free pouring into your mouth? The answer is he's got one of those little cough medicine plastic to sense the things. He's got a little because these idiots start out drinking works. They're like, well, I guess you probably bring glasses, right? You would bring a couple

of little 30 milligrams every four hours of drugs. No, no, no, no, it's not 30 milligrams every four hours. It's one pill, one shot. Yes. No, the pill, no, no, no, no, no, I think you're mistaking the amounts of each you should be taking. If you're getting that many pill deep, you are, you are in trouble already. Yeah, I, that was almost my best worst was best worst doing drugs and alcohol because this girl essentially drinks a pint of liquor and takes 19 pencils because she didn't make it into the school musical. Yeah.

Uh-huh. So she's telling us all about the school musical. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. So she's telling us all about her daddy issues and Satan's going, huh? Yeah. Another pill. You want to do another pill? Oh God. When the actress talks about how much her parents do not want her, she gets way too real. And it's like, okay, you're right, that, Jenny. Like we still doing the play here. You know, you know, you're in states. Come on. Come up. She just starts to mumble to herself and so you end up doing a bunch of Christian musicals, but then you turn 20 and then 30 and you're like, what am I doing? You know, I'm an agent or a manager and this isn't paying any Lord fees anyways.

Yeah, say whatever. So she's and of course, he's, he's got that fast acting alcohol, right? Because she's taken three shots in like eight minutes and she's shit-based. Yeah. And now we fast forward through all the fun parts and now she's, you know, just like sickly drunk. Norman shows up, right?

The nerd kid shows up so that she can tell him how gross and disgusting he is. There's a moment here she's talking about Norman. She's like, Norman is awful and then Norman walks in. And she leans against Satan. She says, speak of the devil and the crowd loses it. Oh God, I think it's not. I've never got a crowd reaction.

This enthusiastic and my entire goddamn life guys. Yeah, maybe it's just a street performer in me, but I was like, man, this seems like a really good crowd. I love to work with it. Can we just switch to entertaining Christine's? Three Joe so much lower. So much lower. It's like when you see the diving and then someone doesn't really complicate to dive and

then someone just comes up and goes straight up and down. It's like they're seeing the difficulty. It's not. It's easy to perfect that. There's nothing to it. Yep. Yep. Yeah.

And so and and say it's like, just keep taking one drugs. You'll be fine. Trust me. And then she overdoses. I mean, she is very, very easy to convince into an over the, he's pushing it in an open door. Let's face it. There's an open door right there. Yeah. So the whole gang shows up, Norman's trying to revive her and the whole gang shows up. She's got an empty bottle of pills and alcohol sitting right next to her. And everybody goes,, what happened Norman? Because he's the smart one, I guess. There's one guy says I don't feel a pulse.

Forgetse, he said that and like eight seconds later says it again. Like Zencaster just cut out on him or some guy. Two here. You hear what I said? So and, and, okay. And just now at that exact moment, the 321 jump, streeting angels at the center of this story, they hear the call from Gabriel that they have to come back to heaven, right?

He blows his horn and they have to stop being kissed and they're like, oh, wow, should we, you know, help the overdosing girl using our angel powers? He's like, I don't know, that is the bell. And the alarm went off over time. And to go up to heaven, they have to go back to heaven, but it looks like they think they have to walk there because they start like slowly ascending this day. It's got not spring for an Uber. Oh, he's texting us. He'll reimburse us for a lift. You know, it's fine. Let's just walk. So they go to wander off

Satan shows up to talk a little shit to him before they go, you know, Norman Chase is Satan off, right? He comes up to the to the overdose and he goes like, ah, how's the drugs going? And he's like, you go away. You're Satan and terrible. And, and pushes him and the crowd goes wild. They love that shit. Yeah. They did love that. And then Gabriel's second horn blows the angels disappear and everyone starts praying for Barbara Paul because she has just died of an overdose of the drugs. Yeah. This is where we get to really see the editor flex his technology muscles, right? Oh, yeah. He really worked his Commodore 64 on the foot of this one. Oh, they threw all the rest of

the budget at this last 10 minutes. They were holding it all back for the finale. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. But yeah, so they all pray and then God unkills her. Right. And undrunk her because she wakes up completely sober. She's the real miracle. She's not higher anything. Yeah. They were salvy appeals with salvy adjuice guys. I told you. So yeah, but no, she's you wait some, she says, I had the weirdest dream and twin Finn was there and Falli girl was there and nerd girl was there and there were anywhere supposed to be like,

oh, she died and went to heaven temporarily. I get it. And then she turns to Norman and she's like, Norman, why did you help me when I overdozed on drugs? I'm like, as opposed to what? Standing over her expiring corpse and laughing? Yeah, but Norman explains that they are both vulnerable in their own ways.

For instance, he likes computers and she's a massive bitch. And then Tony like decides that this scene really should be more about him. So he turns to Heather and he says, Hey, I'm sorry for trying to pressure you into fucking me earlier. And she's like, Oh, that's okay. Is that still even a plot point? We don't remember that. Yeah.

You're fun. All of the rest of the kids in this cast got converted to mega Christianity off camera at some point during this film. That's what we have to imagine here. Right. Yeah. Tony's doing the old proposal at someone else's proposal. Yeah, yeah. So, but then they all start pressuring Barbara Paul into turning her life over to Jesus so that she'll be less of a bitch. Heather tells her all about how much God loves her and then that becomes a fucking song. Oh, it does. And Heather is singing really loudly. And then she leaned, like, Ginny leans in and hoaxa, which means now Heather is singing loudly three inches from Ginny's ear.

That's Ginny. Three inches from the ear. It's amazing. By the way, the refrain of this song is take off your mask and I wrote in my notes. Man, it's amazing. By the way, the refrain of this song is take off your mask And I wrote in my notes man description movie was way ahead of its time Yeah, for a minute this really plays like it's gonna turn into a threesome with Heather Barbara Paul and Norman, which which doesn't happen Tony sees the same thing He's like, oh, I want in on this. So he jumps in and starts singing as well. Yeah. And the choreography budget run out by this point. So people can only walk to one side of the stage while everyone else stands perfectly still. Yeah. And then people walk to the other side of the stage.

Yes. Sway slightly. That's that's the full choreography budget expend. Oh god. This went on so long. I wrote my nose. I feel like I'm playing chicken with this coda, right? Like, which of us is going to give up? It's 35 times. No, you'll turn it off. The big finale is that they just lined up in a long queue on the front of the stage, saying the same line, 35 times. Yes. Yep.

And they tried for some rockets, kicks, but they can't go higher than Heath. So we're not very impressive. And then we end on a big hug between Heather and Barbara Paul. Like as though their friendship was the key to this movie, apparently. They're the high tops all along. So okay, but we're not done yet. We still have to check back in on the angels, right?

They're done with their assignment. Gabriel wants to know what they've learned. God, that's a fucking bracket that apparently needed closing. Yes, exactly. Well, they ties it all back into the title because they brought new shoes. They're wearing high tops.

They even brought high tops for Gabriel. And I wanted him so badly, and be like, what the fuck do these have to do with anything? But yeah, he likes to do high tops. So they all reprise the high top song, the most meaningless banal song, not just in this movie, but in the history of musicals. Yeah. Get a reprise.

I again went absolutely insane here saying there is absolutely no reason why high tops are featured so prominently in this musical full stop. Generally no reason at all full stop. It is fucking baffling full stop. Is there some context that I'm missing? Is it like there's a risetta storm that'll decode it? So my favorite thing about this by the way is that they do the exact same choreography that they did for the first time they did the high top. Which includes the assisted backflip and the butt spin attempt at break dancing. Yeah. The chorus of this song might as well be reminder that them play was called high top. Yeah, right. Also, this is when they do the bows, right? I like

at the very end of this when they do the bows. And the only reason I point that out is that everyone gets the bows except when Satan comes out, the crowd is still in their fucking Christian hypnosis. So they just boo the actor. Yeah, the current call they're still booing. It is a little hurt by it. You can see him be like, I'm, I'm, Chau's over, guys. You can just fuck you, but I'm just Dave'm, she's over, guys. You can just fuck you. I'm just Dave. Now I'm just, you're doing fuck you. There was an 80% chance

that audience still think he's safe. Oh, shit. And then we get to the credits and I don't have any, the marshes got extensive notes on the credits. I didn't have any notes there. Sorry. I'm gonna leave that to you now. Well, I just wrote that I'm a professional. So I've actually watched these credits, take that carousant to Maria. And then I realized that Google Docs immediately linked carous name to me, saying her name in the Google Docs. And I wrote, don't link an in here, Google Docs, you snitch.

Yeah. All right. Well, you know, this, this movie kind of war. It's moral on its sleeve. The only real question is what the fucking has to do with high tops. And I'm not going to ask you guys that one because you know, we all have our limits. So instead, I'm going to thank Marsh one more time for helping us out this week. And a, what we still have you here, remind our listeners where they can go to hear more from you.

Absolutely. You can hear me on skeptics with a K every two weeks while I'll be doing some skeptical analysis of various interesting investigations that I've been doing. And obviously you can come to QED where you guys will be and so much of the cool stuff will be that is on the 28th to 30th of October. So like basically immediately to now, there's still a couple of tickets left. So Rushant grab those and we'll see you all in Manchester. Hell yeah. And check the show notes if you need a link to pick up your tickets or to check out Skeptics with a K. And well, that does it for our review of high tops. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to subject ourselves to more pain and suffering.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck. While visiting the ancient walls of the Holy City, two American young women and an anthropology student must survive a biblical apocalypse. We'll be getting back into a far more traditional spooktacular spirit with Jeroon Zalim. Zalim with a Z. Z. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 374 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Mars for helping out today and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to contact yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com-sus.gov. a podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can name a god off of movies and gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, offices, a PN, retours, Tim Robbins, and Dinkscare of our social media. Our theme song was written in a performance by Ryan Slotkin, people, Jeff San Mars, all other music was written in a performance by our audience and our Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen, right, Neal, Abba,

Zining, and I'm a no-o-licious promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Eli bought the script to this movie, the minute the recording was finished, so that he could be off-book for the live performance of Q&A. Heh heh heh heh heh. Damn right. The deaf punk Space Angels went on to be in a way cooler play,

with menjas and laser guns. Norman is now an atheist and gets way, way more tail as a result. I mean, the movie kind of implied that he was going to get laid before talking right? Right, it does. Not a true. That is a true story. Marvel was ready to clock. He got to do hand stuff with the angel, right? I think we agree. Yeah. The Preceding Podcast was a production of Puzzle and Death Understrum LLC, Copyright 2022, all rights reserved.