God Awful Movies - 375: JeruZalem

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

This week, Andrew Torrez of the Opening Arguments podcast joins us for an atheist review of JeruZalem, the story of two young women failing the Bechdel test even as all the men in their lives are turned into demonic zombies. --- Check out more from Andrew on Opening Arguments or Clean Up on Aisle 45 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Yeah, specifically she says her prayer is bring me back my brother you asshole. What? But to be specific it says bring me back my brother asshole with no punctuation to it, which to me had a real like do not touch Willie feel to it. I thought it would be foreshadowing and that like late in at three we would literally just have his ass goal show up. It would have been fantastic. Okay. OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE a good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. Let's do this.

Very excited. If we must, and unfortunately Eli's gonna be unable to join us this week, but in his stead, we're happy to welcome back Fred of the show and co-host of the opening arguments podcast and clean up on aisle 45 Andrew Torres Andrew. Welcome back sir. Hey guys, thanks question mark for having me back. And excited. This was awesome.

No, it wasn't. You and I have very different definitions of Austin. Yeah, we sure. There's a 300 and whatever these. It changes the scale. Bear. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Jerusalem with a capital Z in the middle because it's zombie apocalypse movie about zombies and the literal apocalypse. Yep.

And it's made by religious people. They're trying to do that, you know, hippie, hippie message of all the religions are really the same if you think about it, which is true, except they're the same and wrong. Not the same and correct about leather wing demon zombies on Yom Kupur. That's not what they're all right about. But also not the same, right? The same. If you don't think about like even the three Abrahamic faiths they focus on here don't really, yeah, really hamstrung the movie. And Andrew, how bad was this movie? I don't know. I watch this movie twice and I'm still not sure what the hell I watched.

I don't know what happened. I don't know what the plot was. I don't know what the point was. I don't know how the hell this is a God awful movie other than I can assure you it is indeed God awful. This is such a weird grenade for Eli to throw in the room and then Lee. Oh yeah. I could see if Eli was going to be here for this one. Oh, yeah. Right. Like I could see it.

If Eli was going to be here for this one, it would make a lot more sense that he picked this one for us. There's also stuff where I mean, I feel like we could use some, you know, insider June knowledge. Yeah. I'll make the joy and watch this movie in dreams. I have no idea what's happening. This is what happens on Yumka board.

They don't even know. Right. Yeah. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be in the worst at? Oh, God, best worst. You left the air raid siren on the special effects for like 27 fucking minutes. Oh, my God.

Like it wouldn't stop it. Like I get very similar to it. Everything. But like there's an air raid siren playing in my headphones. Can we please stop it now? Right. Yeah. You wouldn't want people to suspend that you got to have them keep in their disbelief going while the leather wing demons are happening. You got to do it.

No, sir. Like you said, just have the Google Glass check. It'd be like compensating for air. Right. Yeah. There you go. There you go. Noise canceling eyeglasses. Wouldn't be the silliest technological leap we make in this film. So okay, I was going to go with best worst girl talk. All right. So this movie is written by two guys who have never, like, I feel like the origin of this movie was two guys on an airplane and they tried to flirt with the two pretty girls across the aisle and the girls didn't have any interest and they were like, I hope you get eaten by demons. And the other guy said, oh, that's a fucking movie right there.

Right there. You just came up. So like the first 50 minutes of this fucking movie is just these two girls on a vacation. And they might as well start every conversation with. And Todd says we can't even pass the Bechtel test, you know. Todd, Todd, did we? No, actually, no, well actually, they didn't. Never knew. So I'm going to go with best, best, awkward, smart technology. So Andrew started to mention a second ago,

they do the movie from the perspective of smart glasses and so many times the character wearing the glasses had to be like, Hey, Siri, not the time, not the time. Yeah. And appropriate. Please stop. Well, and it was so met up because like we deal, you don't know this, but we deal with that constantly with Eli's glasses, always chiming in on our records.

So yeah, all the more reason we needed his inside knowledge here. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, this movie is going to be a no hurry to get going. So I suppose we don't need to be either, but we'll be back in a minute with all the nauseous shaky cam that is Jerusalem. So for those three reasons, that's why it was mathematically impossible for Ted Cruz to have standing. Hey, you listen to an opening arguments there. Yeah, great podcast. Love it. Just gonna pause it for a second.

Sorry, yeah. So you're a listener too? You listen to O.A.? Yeah, yeah, no, I actually, I know Andrew and Thomas personally, they're friends of mine. No way, so cool. Nice.

Speaking of podcasts, you know what I've been doing lately is not listening on speaker and a public elevator. Oh, okay, that took a quick turn. Thought we were just talking. Yeah, because you're the worst. Why don't you try Raycon's everyday earbuds? Oh, what's...

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five star reviews. Okay. It feels like we're calling a weird timeout on the emotional content of our conversation that had happened with that turn. So, okay, well, while that's happening, I guess I'll ask, do the Raycon 70 additional features that you have not mentioned yet? That's a great question. Raycon's everyday earbuds also have noise isolation, awareness mode, and ear tap functions. I know illusions personally recommend them, and I love to wear them when I'm in public as part of the society, you know, like on a flight or in an elevator. Sure. Yeah, I see what you're doing. So where can I get a pair? Just go to buyraycon.com slash cam today to get 15% off your Raycon order.

That's buyraycon.com slash cam. Discoord 15% off by raycon.com slash cam. They're perfect for not being the worst in public. Yeah. Got it. Got it. All right. Well, this was a really long elevator.

Um, I'm going to go. So check out the Raycon's every day year, but they're perfect for not being the worst in public. Wow. Okay. Meda, that's pretty funny. You're not even a patron. You're the worst. You are. I am. All right, guys. Welcome to our first writers room meeting. Now, I know, I know we agreed that since my dad bought the camera that we're gonna use to make a movie, but based on the message that I kind of feel like you guys might be getting a little bit carried away. Oh, I will. How so? Really? Well, look, for one, I agreed we could do a zombie movie

because it's relatively easy to do the zombie movie because like, like, it's relatively easy to do the zombie makeup, but you guys are talking about an army of winged demons invading Jerusalem and we do not have the budget for that. I don't know. I think it'll be fine. See, it's a travel movie. I mean, sure, the demon army is going to be part of it, but the movie we had in mind, it's mostly about two girls on a fun trip,

getting to know themselves. A fun trip to Jerusalem. Did you know that? Yeah. All right. And most of the movie would be about more human stuff, like who they're gonna have sex with. That kind of thing.

Yeah, and who's dick, they're gonna suck in nightclub bathrooms. Yeah, and deciding what to wear. Right, and what they smell like. Mm-hmm. What do you say that was? Okay. I mean, and also, I mean, that sounds a little boring, though. Like, where is the drama going to come from? Well, it's in Jerusalem. So I thought maybe we could touch on the tensions between Palestinians

and Israeli authorities. That kind of thing. Oh, yeah. Good idea. That's like, that's like a college football rivalry type situation, right? Yeah, exactly like that. It would not be at all insensitive for us to portray it exactly like that, because that's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. So like, we don't really even need the demons to show up until, until what, like, 50 minutes

into the movie, right? Shockingly close to that, yes. All right. But look, even half a movie with demons is way out of our price range, way out of our budget. Hmm. Ooh, what if it was found footage? Oh, good idea. That way the demons could always be blurry or far away or seen only for a split second or some combination of those three. Perfect.

Well, okay, that's good idea, but I mean, like, won't we at least eventually have to show one demon on the screen? Sure, yeah. But I'm sure by then the audience will be so into the movie that they won't even notice that it looks like somebody remembered it was a costume party on the drive over. Yeah, you're probably right. This movie's gonna be awesome.

So awesome. And we're back for the breakdown. and we're gonna open up this movie on so much black silence that I know shit had to check if my movie was paused twice. I typed it, it's 18 seconds long and that's an eternity. Yeah. Right, I checked and I'm like, did I pause it when I was checking to see if it was paused then? But no, okay, this is avant garde. This is so much better than what we normally do. I mean, 93 minutes of that would have been fine. Right. Yeah. No, I love it when the 93 minute runtime is an exaggeration. Yeah. So then we get our like overhead projector

credits thing. And this was not to a Bible quote, but to a Talmudic reference, right? This is Jeremiah 19 from the Talmud, not to be confused with Jeremiah 19 from the Bible, which is all about how God's going to make the people of Tofeth eat the flesh of their children. Interesting. Yeah. I get on that. It's kind of about that.

A little bit. Yeah, but no, this is about a side quest in the in the Talmud involving three different hell gates. Yeah, we get this three gates to hell thing a lot. And spoiler alert, the other two gates don't matter. It's like you're wasting the rest of the trilogy. Just set up a trilogy. Oh god. No, seriously, I can't wait to watch the one that's under the ocean. That's going to be amazing. Jerusalem too is in the works.

Oh, wow. Awesome. So, yeah, so, and this is, of course, we realized within a few seconds that this is going to be a found footage film. Oh, fuck me. I'm sorry. Like, it's so time to take some drama mean and write. And also remind everyone that, you know, yeah, you could use your time machine to go back

and kill Hitler or Trump or something, but you could also use it to murder those assholes that made the Blair Witch project. So, it didn't have to happen, people. So the three gates to hell were told, this one in the desert, one of the ocean, one in Jerusalem, right? Doesn't it feel like the IT department in hell should get on that or and like or the I don't know in heaven somebody should fix that Yeah, it seems like you know somebody would go up to God and be like hey, you're You're talking about the McGeff desert and the Mediterranean, right when you say the the desert and the ocean It just seems like we're really focusing on this one tiny part of the world

It's all right. You're not doing anything anywhere else. I've looked at the flow charts. It's all that. Most of the world wouldn't know. Also Jerusalem is kind of the desert. Yeah, that's fair point. So yeah, but our first found footage

is gonna be from 1972, when two priests captured footage of like a demon lady. And I know I wasn't supposed to giggle, but like there's a little like folding up the paper mache kind of wings that spring out when you pull the string. Every time a demon sprouts wings in this movie, I just giggled delightfully. It looks like somebody opened a pop up book for children. Like that's exactly what it looks like when the wings come out. Sure does. Yeah. But yeah, so we see the demon lady.

She pukes some worms. Yeah. Right. Which is nifty. And then we see them try to exercise her. They brought in people from all the different religions, meaning Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, all the religions. All the religions. Right. All the rivets, but they all agreed, you know Islam, all the religions. All the religions.

Right, all the rivets, but they all agreed, you know, we have the same enemy, the devil. We're all pointing at the same thing. It's that hippie, hippie message. Yeah, we can't have Israel and Palestine, but we can agree on demon stuff together. That is exactly what the fuck coexist. So, I'll throw that shirt, the motto ofexist works when you see the rabbi trade in his little piece by thing for like the ceremonial gun. Yes, right.

That's what's about to happen. They're showing us the rest of this video and the person who they're convinced is, you know, needs an exorcism, sprouts the wings like the pop-up book and makes a scary noise. And a priest just shoots her in the face right away. She's chained down at this moment. Yeah, that's just murdering a lady. That's not it. Sure is. Right, they're like, look, we tried exorcisms from all three religions, you know, let's let we're, you know, the fuck science and medicine and all the other faiths this time to shoot this bitch.

Yeah. Check, check, check on the three religions that ever existed. So it's gone, right? That's the only, that's the fourth thing. Yeah. That's what they do. That's it. And then, okay, so that's the wrap stuff.

We cut to the modern day where we're going to meet our heroes Sarah when her dad gives her the latest in AR glasses technology. Yeah. The rest of this movie will be shown to us in the first person from these AR glasses. That is the laziest way of bringing found footage to a found footage movie that I have ever seen. And we're only five minutes into it, right? This is already set in records.

Honestly, I thought it was clever at first. I was like, Oh, okay, it's going to be with the smart glasses perspective. I can see it, but no, they commit to the whole thing. It's 93 minutes of this. It's so dumb by the end. Yeah. What will they do when she runs? Oh, you just wait. Most of the movie actually will be her running. But yeah. But yeah, so we get the introduction of the AR glasses, which are great for signing into Facebook and my space. He advertised my space compatibility on them on the box. Yeah. 2015. You can get on like us, Alta Vista, whatever. So and also, by the way, the wake word for these are glass. She keeps going like glass, open music. I'm like, that's going to be problematic because I'm going to go in like half empty, not

found searching for houses shouldn't throw stones, you know, just wait. So, man, swear. That's also the Google glasses things they play music like at inopportune time, only at inopportune time. That's the funniest moment in the movie. It is. Yeah. And every time they play something, I am just nostalgic for the news boys.

Oh, it's suck. Oh, so we see her plan with her glasses. Oh, there's a black cat because it's a horror movie. Oh, yeah. She plays an AR zombie game for shadowy. Huh? Huh? Huh? That's pretty good.

That was pretty good. Look like a really shitty game, though. I played a lot of VR. Yeah, really slow like frame rate on those zombies. Exactly. And then she gets a text from Rachel and she, which says, hey, are you ready to take that trip to Tel Aviv that this movie is all about? And while she's doing that, correct me if I'm wrong, she's eating a bowl of cat food.

Okay. That's what I thought. Who said to walk in the fucking door and she says, well, looks over my shoulders, she goes, why is that lady eating cat food? I actually run that bad. I was like, okay, eating cat food, interesting. And then I was like, that can't be right.

And we get a little bit closer to it. It's dry. Many weeks, the cereal. Oh, God, dry. Just cat food. Oh, yes, dry in a bowl, picking them up by hand and eating them. It was really weird. It was like cereal killer behavior. Also, I feel like we've elided over a major question that I, maybe, maybe I'm not up on my vacation spots or like a televive nightlife and beach town like. Well, the movie realizes it has to justify that, right? Cause her friend Rachel Sensor thinks just like, hey, open this video about how much great nightlife

there is in televive so that the audience will know. Oh, yeah. We watch him like a tourist ad for Tel Aviv here. Yeah. And then she stops to reminisce about her dead brother and cries in the bathroom, not great crying. They could have just been going to like Exxon Provence and then you know, diverted to Jerusalem for some reason.

They just, they do that anyway. Yeah. Why have it, whatever. Yeah. I don't know, maybe Tel Aviv's awesome. I have no idea. It could be, I don't want to malign Tel Aviv, but it's not what I think of.

I feel like I'm okay maligning Tel Aviv. All right. So okay, so Sarah and her dad go to pick Rachel up for the big trip. I have so many questions about all of this scene, but I think it's important to note here that dad starts by reading out his lines here at gunpoint, right? Yes.

The script says, I'm really excited that you're going on a trip with Rachel. Like, uh, he seems like he's there against his will a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, oh, we also meet Rachel's boyfriend. Don't worry, he'll never matter.

Hi. I like that as they're leaving. She's like, by Drake, your Mad at Sex. Okay. Yeah. I need to explain to our listeners that that literally happens. And you're just like, we what? And I did, that's how that's how Rachel says,

could buy to her boyfriend. Like, yes, the car drives away. It's a personal, this felt personal. By Drake, you're a Lausie Lay. That's exactly her lines. Yeah. Oh, so okay. So they get to the airport.

We watch them getting on the plane. She doesn't have her fucking Google glasses in airplane mode. I feel like that's going to be important, right? They are connected. But next question here, right? They're at the airport. It is clearly pitch black outside. And she says, it's almost two. And I'm thinking two way, your flight is at two way to Tel Aviv. Leaving at two a.m. Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Interesting. So, yeah, so they get on the point and then love interest sits across from them. Oh, I could have done best worst love interest. Oh, God. He's the worst best. Absolutely. Kevin. Yeah, this is Kevin and, Kevin is supposed to have an

American accent. This actor, I believe is Israeli. And he's going for an American accent. And the filmmakers think he nails it, right? It's so good. And he's the way he's where he's supposed to be like the fuck boy. So he's like, I enjoy traveling and studying ancient culture and talking in a fuck me cadence. And they're all so charmed by him. Yes. He has a prop hat. Okay. He's got a prop hat.

He has an Indiana Jones prop hat that he carries with him. Like norm McDonald's celebrity jeopardy oversized hat. It's so silly. It's like hating people in the next aisle. Yeah. I will say that the advantage of this first-person camera perspective is that I now feel like I understand a little better what it's like to get man-splained to by Kevin. Oh, right? Because for the rest of this scene, he's just man-splaining the plot or the premise rather to Sarah, to the main character.

Let me regale you with a story from the town mood. Okay, you want to go fucking the bathroom? Yeah, but no, that did do well. All right. Well, it's weird. Might take a little more than that, but just a little. So, okay, so they land in Israel. Kevin is just part of their crew now, right?

He's just glombed onto them. And he invites them. He's like, I know you guys are going to tell a Veeve, which is known internationally for its nightlife, but why not instead we go to Jerusalem and they're like, yeah, okay, that's probably a plot there somewhere. No, no, no, Rachel Polsera side to say like, I mean, like, I get it, you know, we all want to tap that ass, but like, are you sure we want to go to Jerusalem? And from this point on, like I get it, you know, we all want to tap that ass, but like, are you sure we want to go to Jerusalem? And from this point on, like I'm mostly team Rachel for the rest

of the movie. Yeah. Absolutely. I enjoyed that she was like, hey, can you step over here? And then they don't step anywhere. And she's like, we're going to have a loud fight out loud about how dumb this guy is. Right. And they don't wish for a fight. Yeah. He's looking at me. I've made eye contact while I'm saying the sentence. And then she says, you're such a slut, Sarah. You want to eat that ass. Okay, so is that something people say? Like no judgment about ass eating. I'm just saying, is that what is known?

Is that like a positive physical trait that like you look at somebody? I would like to eat. That is a very edible ass. You know, mouth inside that ass area. I do. Yeah. This was the light in the movie. And we're like seven minutes in,

in which I began to suspect that maybe neither of the two script writers has ever been as far as you know, second base with a lady. And I mean, real second, like not that carousel. I'm a real like freaky. Yeah, that's eating ass. Carousel in a second base. It is. You want to tickle his calf?

What? Yeah. No, these writers were about as familiar with hookup culture as I am. So it was not, it was not really well done. So yeah, so, but they get in their cab. They're heading to Jerusalem. We get a little bit of tour guiding from the taxi driver. Oh, right.

He's chewing a branch that makes your penis better somehow. In natural male enhancement. Is Rayleigh Dick Branch? I'm surprised you guys don't know more about it. IDB, dude, I have an answer. What's IDB? You just go to Roman. So yeah.

So they headed to Israel. So we shaky cam our way through an open air market. And this is where we meet God. This is going to be a major character in the movie drunk homeless guy who calls himself King David. Yeah. Oh, Burger King. Burger King.

Sure. This is this is Benny Hill, right? Like, he is. Oh, wow, he is. Pretty death. Benny Hill, but yeah, but he's dressed like burger. He's he's wearing like the burger. Yeah, the ground that you get from Burger King. He sure is.

Yeah. And he's like, Hey, I'll help show you guys around and maybe be comic relief later. And they're like, we're not interested. We're actually afraid of you. Apparently, bye. And okay, that would have been fine if they didn't make him literally mentally ill later and make me feel guilty about writing down Burger King and making me like, man, come on, man, just have it be a weird guy. So they make it to their hostile and the girls are like, wow, this is a very incredibly

awesome hostile because this is a work of fiction. But yeah, they're like, they're blowing away by how nice the hostile is. Yeah. Siri immediately should have been like, I see herpes everywhere. Do not check in. I can see the herpes. I can see it. Also, this is a weird note, but she at one point, they're walking up the stairs and she's

like, you know, he glasses, take a picture and she takes a picture of Kevin's ass, but Kevin has no ass. No. If it like there's, like, there's literally no visible ass in the jeans that he's wearing. So what is the point to the, like, I guess they wrote this thinking that they would cast a guy with an ass, but they couldn't afford one. I don't know. I don't know. The type of ass that you want to eat is maybe smaller. Right. Right. Yeah. You don't want to have a lot of app. Like a salad. Right. Yes.

Big bubble gets in the way of the eating. I don't know. Yeah. No, that makes sense. This is also where we meet Omar the fuck boy. He will be Rachel's love interest. I like Omar in this movie. He's the one guy I like. I actually like him. It's very charming. The very first time we meet him, somebody has just spoken in Arabic or in Hebrew, I don't I can't tell to Sarah.

And he's like, what did he say? And he says, he says you'll bring the smell of innocence. Okay. Time to leave me. Yeah. It's not exactly. Siri agrees. Siri said herpes and leave right now because smell of innocence.

Get the fuck out. Yeah, it's not quite I can smell your cut, but it's also not quite not that easy. Yeah. Way too close. Yeah. So Omar shows them to their rooms. I guess his dad owns this hostel. He works at the hostel.

He shows them to the room and he's like, Hey, we upgraded you to the, you know, awesome suite. And, and it's not a very good room at all. That's, I feel like in a youth hostel, this could be the ultra premium deluxe suite. That is definitely the turbo ultra be that's so much nicer than every hostel I've ever stayed at. No shit. Yeah, well, that's downright motel quality. Yeah. And also to her credit, Rachel scores some hash from Omar. Well, they're there. I don't. Okay. I know team Rachel precious little citizen. But like, is hash a thing now? Like I feel like I'm watching Pulp Fiction all over again. And like, you know, John Travolta's drug dealers like, heroines making a comeback. You know, his hash making a comeback.

I, I, I, if I'm ever in the Middle East and don't get hash, I'll be very disappointed. Yes. All right. It's fun. Make it into a little snake and you run the snake through the middle of your split and you can also add some greens if you want to or just by itself, it's back up.

Or a little hash oil you can don't think it's a comeback. I think it's, you know, it never left. Honestly, it's been here for years. I feel like you, you know, it never left. Honestly, and here for years, I feel like you could be making up 100% of that. I would never, ever know. Oh, I should tell you about my homemade hash at some point. You would really wonder which part of those were made up. Yeah. Sometimes you hammer it into a circle and you just put it

right in your forehead, Andrew, is the best way to do it. I'm just, I'm pining for my own innocence. At this point, I wrote in my notes, like, I'm going to need something to happen in this movie pretty soon. We are half an hour from anything happening. Yeah. Good, good luck. So Sarah and Rachel take a nap because they're so bored by this fucking movie. And then we get Sarah.

She's waking up. Rachel's already gone. It's like seven o'clock at night or something like that. So she goes, she knocks on Kevin's door. He's gone She goes down to the front and everybody's gone except for one dude playing the mandolin mediocrely Okay, so hellgate got it. Yeah Everybody's gone and one you know bad guitar guy at the party like Kling Kling Kling let me tell you about I've her mectin now.

Fuck. Yeah. So yeah. So he plays and then that the owner, Omar's dad comes in and he's like, yes, he plays the Mendeland, the calm down, the demons. And she's like, oh, I guess we've got to put a lot of foreshadowing in it. Since nothing's going to happen for the next 40 minutes, huh? Right.

And then they spend way too long doing that foreshadowing. And he's like, Oh, you don't believe in demons. You should believe in demons. You don't. And she's like, I believe in science. There is nothing that could happen to me in the next two acts that would possibly change. So it, but just then a chicken of burka shows up and she's her way to Sarah following it, right? She's like your friend isn't trouble and so they wandered off. She follows this woman down on alleyway and it turns out nothing is happening in the movie at all.

That's just racial doing a racist voice in a burka. Yeah. Okay. So just to be clear though, Rachel's amazing. She got up early from their nap, snuck out, got a burka somehow and made everyone clear out the lobby of the house. All the areas just to do this prank. It's coming up into a bit.

Right. I'm on board. That's essential. Well, I think she was, she invited everybody to the hash party on the roof, but then she was like, accept the mandolin guy. He can stay. Yeah. You know what? We're really going to set this healthy and that's going to be perfect. Yeah. Also, I'm wondering, how does a Jewish girl named Rachel from the United States get a burka very like I feel like you get a little bit of like bad, like it's cultural appropriation,

you know, like your body. Especially since she does the fucking voice. Yes. Yeah. Hopefully she didn't need a fucking voice at the Berkestor. Yeah. Right. But eventually they lead Sarah to this hash party on the roof and everybody dances quite hashily, except for easily stoned Kevin, who, you

know, I mean, if my experience is already going to go by here, he's a, he's about to go take a nice three hour nap while everyone else stays up laughing about how awesome that was. Oh, the ride home in the Uber was my favorite part. It was a driver being like, dude, how much you can't sleep. You can't sleep. You guys went to the pot. Eat the place. How much to eat? How many? All right. So now they're stoned. They're heading back to the hostel so they can get ready for a night on the town and Sarah hangs back to take a picture and dammit if her backpack doesn't

get stolen by a nine year old. Now this will never matter to the film in any meaningful way. Nope, but it will give us a chance to run through streets shaking our camera up and down dramatically for, I'd say two and a half minutes. She just runs through everything for no reason. Like so many curtains just blindly diving through them. Yes, you're right. Matches through a plate of glass.

The two guys are carrying for no reason. Apple parts, swirves into an apple cart. Yeah, exactly. I have no idea how you found the apple carts or the glass order because I just have three minutes of like, uh, stop the ride. I do. Yeah, but I feel like I can catch a fucking nine year old, but I don't know. It's a short. But he gets away. She falls down. She falls down a lot because that's the, you know, it's an easy way to end to the first person scene. Oh, she falls down and drops her glasses and now they cut back on later. But she says down to be angry.

We get a growly barky dog because we need to jump scare here to distract us from the fact that nothing has still happened in the movie. And the dogs are just like, relax. Stop diving through curtains. I will find the way back to the hospital for you. What are you doing? So okay. So now we head down to the lobby where we're going to go out for a night on the town, but everybody's been grossed by something on the TV. It turns out there was a murder, a lamb. Yeah, this doesn't have anything to do with the non-plot either. Does I mean like, I guess if you really know the Talmud, maybe you're like, oh, the murder of the lamb, you know, something I have no fucking idea.

Oh, I bet. Yeah, the blood of the lamb on the side of the thing means something, something, something. Yeah. I guess they were going for that. The way they set it up, though, is just these guys watching the TV being like, there was a murder, but it was bullshit. Yeah, it was a lamb, not a human, which is really weird when you say that.

They're like, I don't know what's got. We don't use the word murder when it was the lamb. And also like, why was everybody, because they're all encroached in the TV. They're like, oh, it's fucking it's time for lamb murder tonight. Everybody's favorite show here in Jerusalem. What?

Lamb Chop play along, really different show there. Yeah. It still ends with a song that never ends though, but um, so but then we go out for a night on the town for realsies this time, but we run into Burger King again. Yep. Right. He's like, Hey, I'm still in the movie. And we're like, wow, we weren't expecting that. He's like, Oh, you'll be shocked at how much of a role I play ultimately. But he's there to warn him that they're in a horror movie. They don't believe him because so little has happened so far. They're like, no, there'd be something up up to this point. I think we're in a romcom, aren't we? It's an episode of Part of you five. I'm really sure.

All right. Which one of us is meat-coding the burger king? I don't know. So, can you do it? I'll eat his ass. I don't know. So, okay, so we get to the bar. Bar has a brass band, which is like, I think that's the sign of a happening night club, right?

Is there really good live band, honestly? It really was. Yeah. So there's also this really weird moment where Omar turns to Sarah and she says, like, so you and your friend, how Jewish are you? Like on a scale of Moishie to Eli? Like, what was the point of that? Because like, am I gonna get blown tonight or what? You know, well, we're gonna find out.

Yeah. Yes, we are. Well, we don't know. Oh, my guess, Blum, but we will find out some blowjob stuff. Take that foreshadowing. All right. So, oh, and this is where we weren't they, well, they're at the nightclub. They run into a couple of Israeli army guys who would also like to drink with them, right? And I, you know, okay, I'm team Rachel and all, but like super dick move when you're like trying to hook up with the Muslim to invite over the occupying for Barbie for shots. Yeah, she's like shots for the Israeli army guys. Oh, my they're cool,

right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, no, that's awesome. I'm a Muslim guy in Jerusalem. They're the fucking best. I love these guys. Great. I would love to drink with them now. So okay. So now we get so Kevin puts on her glasses at one point. So now we're looking at her through Kevin's eyes and he tells her how beautiful she is. We get this movies writers idea of you know how you can convince a girl to fuck you at a nightclub. And she's like, oh, well, you know, you said the magic a girl to fuck you at a nightclub. And she's like, oh, you, you know, you said the magic words, come on, we're going to the back, you and I.

The bathroom, they go to the bathroom. It's so unpleasant. I, the, what the whole scene, I just, I was making, do you hear the gestures that I, and like the posture I have, my shoulders are all tight. I don't like it. She takes him into the men's room. I wanted somebody to be taking a noisy shit in the stall next door. But she's going to blow him in the stall or whatever. And while she's getting ready to blow him, he's, he's got the glasses on. So he's like scrolling through her Facebook friends and roasting them. Okay. Everything about this scene is wrong. Like she there's no way Rachel would just like hand over her unlocked Facebook to a, you know, guy she's never met. And then he's, you know, about to get about to get the dick with. And like, he's just like, no, I'd like to, you know, take a look at your

entire private history. You're so weird. Everything is bonkers about this. But yeah, no. Well, and it's so lazily done because like she's just about to blow him and he goes like, hey, this is, who's this dumb asshole guy in the in the wool cap? And you're I bet he's an asshole and I hope he's dead. Who's this friend of yours that you're hugged up, uh, where you going? Yeah, yeah, he's like, that's my dead brother. She's shutting down the beach. my dead brother. We're shutting down the beach. Here's the lesson. That's why you never talk when that's about to happen.

Thank you. You say nothing. It can't go wrong. You shut the fuck up. There you go. Yeah. Right. So she's like, nope, give me back my glasses.

No beach for you. And he's like, aw, and then she like storms out of the whole club. She goes to tell Rachel, you know, he made fun of my dead brother mid blow job. So I'm leaving. And she's like, oh, okay, well, I'm going to hang out and fuck Omar. So Rachel is sitting on the bar. And Omar is, I believe motorboating her breasts at the mile. I think you're right. It're weird. It's this is a baby. Jerusalem is the place to go nightclub. I don't know.

Sorry. Do you ever do a bit too far and have a beach get shut down for you? Nope. That happened to me once. It was the worst. And I was like, I just leaned all the way and I was doing jokes. I was, I was killing it. Nope.

We're sorry. Yep. Yep. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up Yep. Yep. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. All right. Well, so far, this movie is about almost blowing a guy in a dank creepy basement toilet. And it also feels like almost blowing a guy in a dank creepy basement toilet. So I feel like we've earned a break, but we'll back in a minute with even more Jerusalem. You're so hot. Let's do this. Uh, you're so hot. Follow me, stud. Ooh, in the bathroom stall. I like it. Toilet paper low. Would you like me to order shaman? What? Siri, no, cancel, Siri. Sorry, sorry.

Ready for take-off. Hmm, okay. Well, let's see that penis. I want you so bad. That surface is filthy. Do not sit down. Would you like me to order a bottle? Siri, cancel. Do not offer to order me anything, okay?

Okay, have a good evening. Sorry, distracting. Okay, sexy talk. Just I need a warm back up. Yes. Uh, please blow me today. Blowjob, also known as Felicio from the Latin, the Lari, to suck.

Siri, stop it. Sorry, really sorry about that. No, it's fine. I mean, we just gotta, you know, get the momentum back. Okay, yeah, a florey time. Yes, lock the momentum back. Okay, yeah. A flurry time. Yes. Lock eyes with me.

One person recognized. Sarah Pullman, one mutual friend, Dave Bonner. You know my cousin, Dave? Yikes. Siri, turn off, turn off. So he's my third cousin. I feel like that's, she's, she's gone. First cousin, don't lie. Siri, dammit. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, she was leaving the nightclub in a huff and heading back to the hostel, but dammit if the navigation in our AR glasses isn't on the fritz now. I didn't enjoy her being like glasses glasses, you piece of shit glasses.

Fucking do the map better. And then she's walking, she gets lost here and she just walks down increasingly tiny little dark alleys. They're dark breach time smaller each time. Yeah, the creepier the better is her philosophy. Yeah. I mean, this is this is the first, you know, horror movie logic we see in action, right?

Like I'm lost head for the crypts. I'm going to make a left down this well. Yes. I'm going to climb down this. Go back. down this well. Yes, I'm gonna climb down this. Go back, second smaller well. There's a way off the well. So yeah, so she's lost. She's in this creepy alleyway,

and then she hears a growling lion. Right, that's the only way I can describe this outfit. Now we'll later find out that that's the demon noise or whatever, but much later it's going to be a while. But Kevin catches up with her. He's like, I followed you down the well that was off the edge of that well. What are the fucking odds that I'd find you here? But at any rate, I caught up with you and I can take you back to the hostel now.

And also, I'm sorry for roasting your dead brother on Facebook. So are we still doing, no, I obviously know. It's like, this is a pretty isolated, honestly, this would be a way better place for a blowjob than the bathroom. This is a lot cleaner than our last spot. And he's still not sorry about like, going through all her private ship, right?

No, no, but so, okay. So she's like, no, I really need to get over people making fun of my dead brother randomly in the middle of blow jobs. That's really on me more than you. He's like, on you, that's what I was thinking the same. Yes, this man wrote this movie. So they get back to the hostel and Kevin's like, so do you want to, you want to still fuck and she's like, no, yes, I do.

I do still want to fuck. Let's fuck. Yeah. And she says, do me Indiana because he's from Indiana, which is, well, no, Indiana chose because he's an art college host. Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought he was from Indiana and then I was like, dude, you got to say, who's your daddy

right now? You have to say who's your daddy. I guess he learned to don't say shit from earlier, but then come on. That's a small one. Low risk. I feel like you got it. I just have to say that was more writing effort than any of the screenwriters, but it's any in this movie. So we get a rare game boob moment.

Oh, we do. Remember Jackie's boob updates? Yeah. I remember those. Those are great. Those were awesome. So, okay. So that night, she wakes up.

Oh, Jackie J. Yeah. Jackie, we always find the boob that we're looking at. Jackie J. Make it happen. So, it's, it's okay. So that night she wakes up and he's staring out the window all pensively, right?

And she's like, Hey, what were you doing? And he's like, I'm just listening to far off screams and growl. Hey, Kev, you're staring angrily into the distance after the sex we just had moments ago. He's like, yeah, just listening to some distant screams. And she's like, oh, cool. That's not the best answer.

That's not the best answer. You can just lie about something. You can lie in this one moment. That'd be great. Make fun of my, roast my dead brother would be better. He has it right now. Really? So he's like, actually, like, let me send you some links

to demon shit that I found on the dark web. Oh, and this motherfucker uses research like every trucker. Yes, right. I was researching up the dark web. Yeah, you were, you were watching YouTube videos. Yeah. Yes, and he was.

That's the thing is he pulls up a fucking YouTube video, but it's the actresses and video from the beginning, which apparently the movie forgot it had already showed to us. It explain. Yeah, we watched this whole fucking stupid video again. And she's like, so, um, are you telling me you think Jerusalem is full of zombies? He's just full of zombies. Exactly. And the Jewish cabal is hiding it. Cool. And you talked us into coming with you. Open to get your ass eat. Fuck you.

Worked out pretty well for me so far. Get my ass eat. Then it get my brains ate. You know, it's going to be a great time. So get working for both ends. That's, that's the key. So yes, she's like, well, you know what? It's late.

I don't have the spoons for demon nephilim conversations. I'm going back to my room. I was it only me that like Nephilim stuck out as kind of like a weird word, right? Like, because you know, you get angels and demons and that kind of thing. But like Nephilim, those are the like nine foot giant, you know, children of angels and men. Yes. But like, they just felt weird in that list. Yeah, they're frost giants basically. Yeah, right exactly. Sure. Why not? I was excited. I was like, if we get to see these fucking Nephilim up close, we do for like less than half a second. Yeah, they had to make sure I have questions. Nefilas, I don't know what the singular. Nepholito. Yeah. So yeah. Nepholito.

So okay. So the next morning, she sat in the lobby on the hammock eating an apple as loudly as it is possible to eat a goddamn apple. That was, why would you have a cereal that for so loud and so long? It's crazy. I don't know. It's like a wood chipper. It was Eli on our business call. Yes, right. So yes, Omar shows up and Rachel shows up and they're like, okay, tell me all about the fucking, you know, tell me about Kevin stick. And I'm like, can we maybe do a fucking zombie movie instead? No, we're 37 minutes into this thing at this point and

nothing has happened yet. But there's like, yeah, I'll tell you all about it. Omar has to leave. And Omar's like, well, I want to know about his dick too. And then she's like, hammock rastling and dives to the hammock and they fall. And, and the dialogue that the script writers put into Sarah's mouth is dirty girl. Yes. Yes. Yeah. It just so you dirty girl.

Creepy all the way down. All right. So now Omar is going to take them outside saying, I know you were thinking, are we even going to get a sightseeing montage? Don't worry listeners. I mean, one not from a taxi cab. Yeah. Right. Right. So okay. And also they introduce and don't have the balls to stick with a bit right here where when she fell out of the hammock, her glasses got fucked up. And now they're just randomly showing like covering her vision with Japanese cat videos. Right?

They'll just randomly play in the middle of her field. That is a deadly potential drawback to this technology, but okay. It's a programming required to make that possible is insane. Right. Right. Yeah, exactly. That means that there has to be some kind of like Automatic button that you press or something you could accidentally say. Yeah, huh? But also just think of like how a not just a good movie, but like a non shitty movie could have used

Everything they've built up to this point, right? Like yeah, Sarah's actual glasses have been stolen She must wear the Google Glass for the rest of the movie in order to see, and it's now unreliable. Yeah. Like, I did, oh, there's so much. You got us give it pop up and have her not know, like, is that just a crazy artifact? Yeah, but no, they do none of that.

No, no. Cat video. Cat video. There's one time when they're almost clever about it at one point in the movie and that's it. Yeah. Yeah.

So okay. So Omar takes them around and like and he still doesn't like that occupying army in his town and Rachel's like, you got to get over that man. You've just been going on. It's the worst because they're like, hey, army guys. It's really army. So fun. And the army guys are like, hey, ladies, this is, this

is not a part tied. We're not doing that. Explain that yes, the bug it is. We're moving on. Sure is. But so they're, they walk by those guys and then Kevin stops and he goes, Hey, what is this building? Is it going to come in like later on in the movie and be important? Should we expose it about it a little bit? And Omar says, yeah, that's an old asylum. That's where they put people when they get Jerusalem syndrome. Okay. Was I the only one that that took down a long Wikipedia? Yeah.

Yeah. Me too. It's just, you know, TLDR, not a thing. Yeah. Not a real, the DSM does not have Jerusalem syndrome as a real thing where you see stuff from revelation or whatever, because you're in Jerusalem. Nope. Yeah. He's like, he defines it as like, we, we, we see stuff from the Bible and it makes you lose your mind. And we're like, Oh, we call that Christianity in America. But yeah, I, I,

and I did go down that rabbit hole with you. Long story short, the SPLC is listed to be a state group. No, so we're gonna go get a little letter writing camp. So yeah, so we do some shopping. We're job. We watch Muslims pray, Kevin, by Sarah Address. This will never matter. And I don't think she'll ever even wear the damn thing. No, they go see the wailing wall, right?

Because when you're in Jerusalem, you gotta go make a wish and throw it in the wishing wall. Oh, yeah. And Sarah writes down, I, I'm just gonna wish for God to resurrect my dead brother. No big deal. Probably won't happen, you know, anytime. It's bad. I'll forget about this now.

Cool. Yes, specifically, she says her prayer is, bring me back my brother, you asshole. What? But to be specific, it says, bring me back my brother, asshole with no punctuation to it, which to me had a real like do not touch Willie feel to it. I thought it would be foreshadowing. I got like late in that three, we would literally just have his ass goal show up. Oh, it would have been fantastic. Okay. Honestly, though, God does a bit of a monkey paw. We'll get to it. Yeah, he does. He absolutely does. Actually does exactly a monkey paw. Yeah. So, okay. So then they go to check out, quote, the biggest artificial cave

in the Middle East. They mean mine when they say that. So they go and they get their lights, their hard hats with a little light side of them and everything. Also, there's a suit of armor at that place for no reason. Don't worry, that's foreshadowing as well, right? That'll matter later. Was that the like coal miner suit of old times times? A fucking full plate of armor situations? Sure the fuck wasn't. There was literally no reason for it to be there. I mean, that's how we invented genes, right?

So like, it doesn't make sense. So yeah, but they're very impressed by the minds depth. So we sure are deep now, but Kevin comes across some demon glyphs and he needs to get the fuck out of there because holy shit is it boring and we're halfway through the roof yet. Okay, it's boring and he's like, we need to live in this up. I'm going to go read books at the archive to learn about demons. Yes.

I'm going to go to the library to fucking ramp up the action in this movie. I see. Now what about a perfect time for the little Japanese cafe? Thank you. Exactly. I needed to commit to the fucking bit. So, okay, so we cut back to the hostel. Rachel and Sarah are recapping the day.

That Rachel in a towel. Yes, highlight of the film. And Sarah at this point is like, you know, I really think we should leave Jerusalem and get on with our vacation. And I wrote my notes, I want that too. Maybe Tel Aviv will have a plot in it. But just then Kevin bangs on the door. It turns out that he's seen the plot and he's terrified of it. He did his own research and he figured out

the apocalypse is happening. When you went to His exact line here is there's not going to be a tomorrow night. And I'm sorry, I just started giggling uncontrollably because I was thinking you have to think of Groundhog Day, right? What if there isn't a tomorrow? There wasn't one today. Yeah, I wasn't one today. Kevin. Kevin Ryerson just punched me in the face. Oh Oh God, perfect, perfect, billion, crazy billion every day. So yeah, but he's like, she's like, well, we're going to leave tomorrow night.

And he's like, there won't be a tomorrow night. And I'm like, then why leave? Right? You're going to spend the last day of your life in traffic. Go get blown in a night club or something, man. Come on. He's just angling for the ass eating at this point. Come on. Yeah. So we might as well eat some ass. That's pretty convenient. Right. Come on. So yeah. So he's screaming and yelling about how they have to go quick before the demons come or whatever. And then Omar and his dad show up and they're like, Jerusalem syndrome. We're going to have to lock that motherfucker up for a little bit. So they take him away to the asylum for Jerusalem syndrome. Yep. And so Omar

comes back into Phil Rachel and Sarah and he's like, yeah, you know, he had the Jerusalem syndrome. So we locked him in a tiny little cage. He'll be fine. And they're like, oh, yeah, no, I'm sure he'll be fine. And also, I mean, again, item number 11 billion on the list of like why found footage movies are stupid. Like this forces you into the amazing cinematic decision of having the action occur elsewhere and having somebody else come back and explain it to you. Well, right. And the visual medium people, sorry, right.

Yeah, but in this found footage movie doesn't even do the like occasionally cut to like a security camera or the camera from the 80 it's all from her glasses, you know, with the exception of the opening. So but Rachel now is she's she's ready to go to she's like, you know, as soon as the I'm Capora is over, we'll leave and see if we can find a plot in Tel Aviv. So that night Rachel goes up to the roof where they were smoking all that hash and hopes of catching the glimpse of the plot and she does. Yeah, she actually does. She's up there and a fighter jet flies through and drops a bomb in the middle of Jerusalem.

Who would have thought you would see combat aircraft in Jerusalem and an explosion? No less. Yes. Okay. Just to be clear though, the Israeli military, we're going to find out that the apocalypse actually is happening. So presumably that military group found out that an apocalypse is happening. And demons were coming out of the one gate in Jerusalem. So they were like, let's drop like a few bombs. See how it goes. Like one bomb. Yeah. Exactly how it goes. Like one bomb. Yeah.

Exactly. So yeah. So Sarah runs to grab Rachel and go down to the TV, but it's in Hebrew. Damn it. So they don't know what's going on. Now, can they speak Hebrew and act one? I never mind. I think they did.

So okay. So most of the rest of this movie is going to involve like people screaming in a foreign language and Rachel and or Sarah say, what are they saying? Right? That's that's most of the rest of this film. Yeah. Have the smart glasses translated for you? Oh, there you go.

You could have done something with that. Would have been smart. Yeah. Yeah. So we watched that for a fucking while and And then Omar runs and grabs his gun. And then the Israeli soldiers from before show up, right? They come knocking on the door of the hostel and they're like, we're evacuating the two.

Yes. They've befriended the two in Jerusalem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, we're going one hostel at a time and we're evacuating the city. And we're exposing the emergency to one house.

Yes. Right. Yeah. Everybody one house. Yeah, everybody gather around. Yeah. So he's like, all right, they're going to go. They're about to close the gates of the city. So you have to follow me if you want to live on

three, but he doesn't. He doesn't like establish a cadence. He goes like one, two, three. You know, it's like, like, I don't, I don't pull this flex off. And but like, this guy would be terrible at my job.

This guy could not do the five count. Put on everybody gather back in and in and in and we're going to go on four. It's going to be on one, two, three. One, two, three, three. We know. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing it on the count. There only a monster goes on the way.

It's the apocalypse. We don't have time for this. So yeah. So they run out of the hostel and yes, we fucking first person shaky cam run for like minutes here, right? But eventually they run by the asylum or Kevin is and she's like, hey, guys, Kevin is a major character. Like we introduced him early in Act One.

I feel like we should stop here and save him, right? And everybody's like, no. Cause I just said Gates closing, right? Like what, what part of those two words? Did you not understand? Yeah. Is he your like really, really good friend from a long time ago? Yeah. We met on a airplane. And we fucked yesterday on the way over here. Almost, almost blew in a pretty shitty bathroom. So that's pretty good friends. But one of the soldiers reluctantly says, okay, you have three minutes to rescue Kevin. I'm not giving you four. Time are starting now.

So they go into the asylum. Now, the plan here is to rescue Kevin and only Kevin. Yeah. The entire city's been overrun by demons. They're like, oh, not this asshole. No, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. She's like, no, no, that's not Kevin.

Skip, skip. Yeah, exactly. So, but then we see a zombie growling its way down the hall. Okay. Okay, this was funny, because the zombie just like stops and looks at him. And they're like, hey, okay, you're vomiting. Are you normal, worm vomiting?

Or was that demon worm? Yeah, to tell us, okay, now you're vomiting. Are you normal worm vomiting or was that demon? Or in the sense? Yeah, to tell us. Okay, now you're running. Are you going for a demon tackle or regular tackle? I do. He's evil. And they should. Yeah, no, we should, by the way, point out that this is an asylum

as a man, by like a sheltered white lady from 1936 or something, right? But then we, so we watch Sarah run around this asylum for a while yelling Kevin, then her music kicks in. I got great time for a fucking cat video, you know. But yeah, the music cuts it. There's no reason for this. It doesn't add tension. It just is kind of annoying, I guess. And that's the point of it. I wanted that to keep happening. The music just put shooting in whenever it's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. That was fun. I laughed a little bit. Again, they refused to commit to the fucking bit. But yeah, but the soldiers are like, no,

we didn't find Kevin. We checked one whole floor. And she's like, I'm going to check the other floor. And they're like, well, you're on your fucking own, right? So she wanders off. She finds Kevin. But of course he's locked, the cell is locked. And he's like, go check the office for the keys. And she's like, right, the office, I intuitively know where that is. Locked. So she runs to the office, she's looking for the keys. And we hear a zombie grow. And she goes to the side by this, we see the zombie with his little tiny wings. And then why are they so comically small? Right? It's like a, it's like your, your kid dressed up as an angel for Halloween kind of sized wings or whatever. It's a really bad demon zombie. Like you, by looking at it, it's like a deer

trying to walk for the first time. I feel like you're just like, yeah, okay, that's fine. Just push them over and go. Right. I feel like I can take that one. Yeah, exactly. But so she ducks behind the desk and she's like, Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And there's somebody already hiding under the desk and he's like, Hey, you want to oh my God silently like inside voice? But it turns out it's Burger King. Yeah. Burger King is back. And I just want to figure out logistically, like we're seeing this from the found footage glasses perspective, but there's no way you could get both Burger King and Sarah under

that desk, right? Like, yeah, that's, that's not happened. No, sure as hell isn't. So she's like, oh, I know you. And he's like, yeah, I know you too. Let me, let me tell you my backstory right quick. She's like, really is this for the best, best moment for you, the best moment. Yeah, I'm going to give a whole speech. It's going to be really long. It's going to be really long. I'm going to explain that.

I'm going to explain the, remember the video that you've watched twice now very recently? I'm going to explain that whole thing. I'm the kid from that just so you know, that was my mom that got shot in the prologue video. Yeah. She's like, cool. No, I believe in demons now way before you said anything because I probably can just leave it. You know, no, no, this matters. There's what in the hallway. Well, and he decides he's like, you know what?

I'm sick and tired of these demons. I'm gonna go fight one of them. And so he runs off. Now, of course, we don't see anything happen. We hear off screen him fighting a demon. He wins. Right. We will see him again. Oh, yeah. I wanted so bad for them to show us that. Yes. Burger King beating the fuck at a awkward 10s.

Hey, it's there like deer that just learned to walk. It's really not very hard at all. No, I just kicked it in the face and I kept going. No, I just kicked it in the face and I kept going. I'm picturing Tom Cruise from the first. I picture that whatever I can't see a flight secret stick place. So yeah, that's fair. Dally of penis. Yeah, it's, it is remains the most unintentionally hilarious seed in all of cinema. All right.

So, okay. So then the demon attacks her. Well, we just, we get a series of, does it? Demon blurry, disjointed speed cuts, right? Yeah. And she gets away. Demon's attack in abruptly edited sequences generally. That's what we learn. Right. Yeah, she gets away because he's so blurry that we can't, who the fuck knows, but she goes back to Kevin's cell, she goes to unlock it. She's so nervous that she can't fit the key into the lock and he's like, look at me. Look at me. Now you're calm enough to do it.

And she's like, I am calm enough to do it. Wow, what are the odds that that would happen? And I just have to say these are not the jingly keys. I was expecting that I signed up for gay. I'm just kidding. You're on the spectacular, man. This is what happens. So okay. So she lets about Kevin Balli, at least darts ahead of her and hopes she can keep up as he leaves the asylum and a run. But yeah, so they get out. They have the weird like argument where she's like, no, my navigation is telling me to go left at the next and you're trying to get involved. That's a weird looking at a relic.

You want us to go down and well. Also, like, she's like, we gotta go left and they're supposed to be like an ominous sound, but it's very clearly like a honking like a, that's a pretty ominous here. So I don't know. Right. And yet Burger King shows up. Yeah. He like dives off a tall building into some, hey, jumps on a bike slides right up next to him and he knows how to get to the city gate to get him out.

Which by the way, wasn't to the left, right? Wasn't the way he was trying to take the right. Now, but luckily there's a rack of bikes for everyone right there. We're that everybody who is rushing to the gate wouldn't have already picked these up. But yeah, so we get on bikes, we do shaky cam on bikes for a little while. And again, Kevin is darting forward, going try to keep up Sarah.

Good luck. So she falls down because she's a lady and because she will reas dead. But eventually they get there, right? They get to the gate, but the gate is already been closed and there's a huge crowd of people all be in like We don't want to be eaten by zombies and it's like a bunch of Israeli soldiers come

And then so and and Burger King walks up to the gate and they shoot him for getting too close to the fence And I'm like that is so Israeli of them, right? That's, he's a white guy. What the fuck? I was like, yeah, so messed up. But he doesn't just like run up to the gate. He like, he takes like two steps towards it and he takes out a tiny little like Bart Simpson slingshot.

Yes. And they're like, don't, don't take out that slingshot. Blam, right in the head. Remember, because he said he was King David, and that's why we're, yeah, exactly. And they just shoot him to death right on the spot. It was right around here when I started to think that maybe this movie isn't so pro is real.

Yeah, right, right. All right, well, I'll tell you what, a lot of the jokes that are occurring to be right now are only funny of Eli Seism. So instead, we're gonna pause for a quick break. First, let me give Ack through the hard sell. Does the movie have time for rising action, a climax, folly action and a resolution?

Will any of the characters ever make a good decision? What good did Kevin think was gonna come from roasting her Facebook friends mid-blow job? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the somehow still eventless conclusion of Jerusalem. Now a word from our sponsor better help. Hey, Bud Gas listener. I'm former mental health care skeptic heathen right. And I'd like to offer my reformed thoughts about therapy.

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I wasn't feeling any extremely acute symptoms, but like you obviously would with a car or with your physical health. I wasn't feeling any extremely acute symptoms, but I definitely was struggling with letting my thoughts devolve into focusing on problems instead of focusing on solutions in my everyday life. I imagine lots of people have that issue from time to time, and a therapist can help with that. They can help you become a better problem solver, making it easier to accomplish your goals, big or small. Going in, I wasn't expecting any big results, but as it turned out, I was wrong. And I'm happy about being wrong because now I'm happier.

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May I have your attention, American tourists? This is very important. Hold on. Let me finish my taco. I'm afraid that there's an emergency and we've got to evacuate the city immediately. They'll be closing the gates in just a few moments. All right, but like what kind of emergency? Because I'm not giving up my free continental breakfast, some rupture gas line or something like that. It's a demonic zombie apocalypse. It's a do what now?

Yeah. Oh, guys, see how they can throw you for a loop. Basically, in accordance with a very liberal interpretation of Jewish scripture, the dead are rising from the ground, sprouting demon wings and turning the living into undead zombies with their venom. All right. Well, what are they doing according to Christian scripture? The same thing.

I don't know if I believe you. I think the same thing. I don't know if I believe you think he's lying. Look, you can see it right here on CNN fake news. Yeah, fake Bloomberg fake news. Yep. Al Jazeera, take terrorist news. Yep. Look, here's a confirmation online from your own American Center for Disease Control.

That's probably a bunch of bull shit. Oh, he's bullshitting. Right, right. There you go. See, there's one right now. Okay, okay, but how do we know he didn't have pre-existing condition? Right? What condition would pre-dispose you to become a demonic zombie?

Well, have they tried Avramectin or the hydroxy, cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- cl- I don't speak Arabic, but I ain't got no change. No change. I didn't have to suck anyone's dick in this one. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Well, we don't know what that D. Man was doing. You know, all right. We can't add it. Somehow Andrew's got a second dick.

We're going to improv. Yeah. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the gang fleeing from the city. No particular destination in mind. And Sarah, she starts yelling at the Israeli officers, right? Conor a bunch of fucking assholes in shit for leaving her at the asylum. Things I do not recommend screaming fuck you and shoving in his really soul.

There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But here's the thing is that like they did stop at the asylum and they didn't get out of the gate. Right. And it gets her fault. Yes, if they had just run to the gate, they'd be on the outside right now and totally free from, yeah.

Right, she condemned them to die in the zombie apocalypse. She doesn't get to be mad at them right now. Oh, stop. To save Indiana kev. Yeah. So yeah, they're running to like, I guess we're trying to go to another gate. And suddenly a body falls down right in front of them and they look up and there's this demon

standing on the roof. And he's going like, sorry, it could say little help. You guys throw that body back up. I was done with that. Yeah. So this is the first of many demons that just like do a bad thing, but not really. And then they just look at you. And they're like, believe I've made my point. Menace, menace, menace. He flies off and she goes, Rachel says, wait, these fuckers can fly. And I'm like, put it. You think the wings were doing. I legitimately laughed out loud at those fuckers can fly. Oh, God. Yeah. So good. So they run into a church or a temple or a mosque.

I don't fucking know. They run into a holy place to hide for a bit. And and Kevin comes up to Sarah and he's like, Hey, thank you so much for getting me out of my cell at the asylum. I'm like, that is the safest place you've been since this started. Yeah. Yeah. That was super cool.

So in terms of titles, so we saying like what, boyfriend, girlfriend, smart glasses are like, it's complicated. Yeah. Like labels. So yeah. So and then Rachel goes up to the soldiers and she's like, you know, I demand you explain the god damn plot of this movie to me right now. We're in the third fucking act, right? And the first soldier goes, there's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm sorry. A literal demon just dropped a dead body in front of you while you were running for your life. It's way too late for there's nothing to be afraid of. Everybody like this. Come on, Americans. This is Yom Kupur. You got me ready for that. Respect our custom. Yeah. Yes. So, but soldier number two is going like, you know, there's a lot of shit about zombie apocalypse is in the town mode man. There's a lot of zombie prophecies. And the first soldiers like, dude, shut up with your religious bullshit.

These are secular, young, comport demons. That's the actual argument though. That's not exaggeration. And meanwhile, Omar still can't get over the generational oppression of his people. God, just get along, guys. Coexist already, right? Okay, I did love that he just tosses one of the Israeli soldiers here and gets that.

And he throws him like 400 feet across this church down the aisle. It was so good. He does. He does more specific things. I do not record that particularly if you're Muslim. Yeah. Right. Punching an Israeli soldier. So yeah. So Omar and the soldier get into a fight. And since that constitutes something happening, the glass is fritzed out immediately when it starts and we hurry over to the next scene, that scene is going to be Rachel and Sarah having a, are we going to survive conversation? Right. Rachel says, we're going to make it out of this the way we always do. The way we always do. They have a history of, they've've they've made it out of zombie situations or that line is like the fucking

Patunias in hitchhiker's guide What is go I want so bad to know what she's referencing there all right, and here's your towel But then Omar's dad says hey, you know what? We randomly introduced a bunch of caves earlier in the movie. That's how we're gonna get out. We can get out underground through the maze of dark tunnels. Yeah. And everybody's like, that's a great idea.

You got no, no, I'm on team Rachel who's like, I am not going into those fucking caves. Like, are you kidding me? Yeah. Oh, and this is where Rachel sees something and she's like, guys, check this out. I think I'm not sure, but it looks like the Israeli military is maybe losing a fight to the stay puffed marshmallow man. That's going to be a blow on you. I'm going to be a blow on you.

And I think these are supposed to be, you know, set meffaleme that we got for sex. Absolutely. But like the Bible is really, really clear. Like the Nephilim are nine feet tall. And these are the Cloverfield moms. Yes, right. Right. No, we get half a second of like the green giant handing you some peas or whatever. Yeah. So.

And then there's a demon pop scare, a demon like runs right in front of Rachel just outside the door of the church. And again, the demons just like demon, demon, demon, demon. All right, that's enough. That's enough. Yeah, I made my point. I've made it. Actually, she, we'll find out later the demon did scratch her fatally at that moment.

We just don't know that. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So everybody's going to argue in foreign language and Rachel's going to yell, what are you guys talking about for a while? The filmmaker's pretty sure that that bit works. And then they run off to the caves, but they stop fucking inexplicably, right?

They just stop mid run and everybody's like, oh, don't worry, we're only 600 feet from the cave. We're just going to stop here for suspense. And then we're going to reveal that Rachel has been demon scratched in that moment. Oh, right. Now like, hey, Rachel, did you get bit by zombie demon? You kind of have to tell us it's like a big deal. Yeah. And she's like, what a, a, a, a, a, a, the, the, the, the bite mark right here. is that what you're talking about? This really big, yeah. No, no, no, no, it's already there.

If I had it. I can't wait for that. Oh, Mark, we, when we talked. So is part of the zombification process lying about the zombification? I'm so confused. Maybe that makes sense. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I know for survival as a survival mechanism. Just like COVID. Yeah. So yeah, but so we're going to go into that tired ass zombie trope of yeah. Okay. Your friend has been eaten by a bit by the zombie is definitely going to turn into his zombie at some point now. But you the main character are going to fight against killing them in advance. Yeah. And Rachel's like, I'm fucking fine. And they're like, all right.

All right. Yeah. She's going for a little while longer. Yeah. I've seen owls turn their head that far before it's fine. And right about now is right where I tap out because this is where the SFX guy is like, oh, yeah. What? Should I set the air raid siren to nine? No, 10, 10 definitely at 10. and I'm going to, you know, don't lean on what? Go to the bathroom. Don't lean on what? I can't hear you over the sound of the air raid siren button.

I'm leaning on. Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. So question on this, when do you kill your friend during the slow transition to zombie that you know is happening? Like what's the, what's the line on that? Yeah, no, it's good to have that conversation now because it's gonna be really awkward if you try to have it in the moment. Yeah, right. A fucking way.

Yeah. Sarah thinks the etiquette that she's established on this is kind of late. Yeah. Yeah. We have not done that. So yeah, so but then we, we cut to Kevin and Sarah having and are we going to survive conversation, right? And Kevin's like, you know, I really think that we should tell everybody that H.O. Ray has been even bit day. I saved you from a demon asylum.

Fuck you. Right. Well, that's what Sarah's like. She's like, you owe me. I saved you, I said, I'm like, first of all, you'reiccans here. Ain't nobody in this group saved at this point. Right. But secondly, she's over there vomit and man, like, no, they're not worms yet, but she's over there vomit and already. So yeah. There's one worm that's like kind of evil looking, but not even warm. I still work from lab earth.

It's going to be fine. It's going to be a very. So yeah, but then the soldier realizes that Rachel has been demon bitten. He's like, oh, I'm going to go ahead and shoot her in the head right now and here. I'm not usually team Israeli soldier who wants to shoot her in the head right now, but in this instance, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But everybody else has immediate strong opinions on the timing of a

game and zombie virus and how long etiquette wise, you are supposed to wait. So Omar actually pulls a gun on that soldier. He gets the drop on him and he's like, don't shoot her. Well, yeah, Kevin stands in front of the gun and he's like, don't shoot her. And he's like, I'll shoot through you. And Omar's like, I'll shoot you for shooting through him. And it's like, wow, this is getting complicated. Hold on, let me draw a chart. Right. Oh, you know what, I gotta take you and the gun

back across the river together. And this, and it all adds up. Okay, one of the vomit worms just threw away. We're shooting her, right? I can clearly, but the worm can't just fly away. But then, just then a full on demon demon shows up in front of them and they're like, okay, we all agree that we can shoot this one. Yeah. And the demon by like, he just kind of stands there for a really long time. Like he's buffering or something.

He's like, no, sorry, you guys finished your conversation. I feel like you were talking about the etiquette of, uh, we'll do the fight in a second. That's what I'm going to do. Well, and like one of the soldiers, like, timidly shoots him. And he looks up like, well, that was the asshole thing to do. And they shoot him again. And then he attacks. Okay. And any fast zombie attacks, right.

And they, they eat your heart out. So the, the fast zombie attacks one of the soldiers and eats the still beating hard out of his chest. But then again, because these are like, these are the JV zombies still we haven't like, like the A team. So it just like eats the heart. And then they, you know, they get full for a few hours. So that, right, right. Everybody else gets away just fine. Yeah. You guys can take off. I'm just really tired. And so he says he eats still beating a heart out of his chest.

I want to be super clear that what we're talking about is he eats the still blurry blur out of his blur. Right. But yes, that's I think that's what they're going for. But so like I got the impression that they because they then they like unload on him. Like they go full machete like full full auto on the demon and he dies. Yeah, you should start with that one. Oh, do they, then they like unload on them, like they go full machine, like full, full auto on the demon and he dies. Yeah, you should start with that one. Oh, do they shoot him?

Okay. That makes it a little better, a little better sense. So like one bullet didn't, so that's their, they think they've got the Joker strategy. Oh, well, let's bring out the bazooka now that the machine gun didn't work kind of a thing, right? Because they're like, one bullet, no, how about two bullets? All right, what about a bunch of bullets? Okay. All right, it works. It works there.

That's kind of like how Voltron should always start off with the blazing. So why are you get a edged for 23 minutes? He's the force push right away. Act one force push. Yeah, exactly. So okay. So the shiggy came their way into the minds that I'm like, oh, good. Underground. I was just thinking this was too well lit. Yeah. The air raid sirens are still coming. They're underground now. There's such a good reason for us not to be able to hear them now.

But yeah, we should almost have Morgan put that as a back lay. Just to give you an idea of how crazy 28 minutes of that is. Yeah, just to be clear, Morgan, please don't do that. Please do not, yeah, we'd like to keep our listeners. Thanks. There's also like a weird attempt at a jump scare of the suit of armor that was down there before. Sure.

Why not? It's so weird. And then say, and you're like, man, they've gone to a lot of weird ass trouble to introduce this suit of armor. And there's like, I'm taking the sword from it. Now, there will never be a reason for that, right? Like she'll, she won't later have the sword and that will save the day or anything. Right.

The smart glasses could have been like, this is the sword of King David that was used to slay the zombie in the whatever side tail from Jeremiah, but no, nothing. It's just just just a sword that has no reason to be there with armor. Again, that has no reason to be there. Exactly. So she takes the sword. We shaky cam into the minds, but now with flashlight beams, it's even better. A Rachel is getting more and more demon-y the whole time. There's like, there's like one of these moments of like, hey, back of Rachel's head, can you turn around?

Do you have any jump scares on your face? Would you mind turning around? And of course, she's got the zombie eyes now, which they're all black is what they go for. Nothing creative to see here. And even Rachel, at this point, is like, okay, well, obviously you killed me at this point. My eyes are fully demons, right?

You're just, we're, I'm way along. No, no, it's cool. Why don't you just tell us when you're feeling 90% demon? I don't know where you are. No, is like she's 87 and a half right? I mean we're gonna just fucking shoot her right? I mean what the fuck and hell and then we hear demon growls echoing around in the minds now I feel like you know if I'm a predator I'm gonna keep my echoey screaming to a minimum

At the whatever extent I don't I feel like I get less scary, but sure, demon growls all over the place. We do the fucking Rachel turn around. Let me see if there's any new jump scares on your face, but again, right? Like two minutes later, this time though, Rachel's full on demon and she demon attacks Sarah. Well, sorry, I'm assuming a lot here. A lot of camera shake goes on and then eventually the glasses are on the ground, right? Right. And we're looking upside down and off. Yeah, the glasses fall off and the movie commits to that bit. And I was very excited.

I was like, okay, that is committing. Like, if the rest of the movie was just noises getting further away and you get respect, that would have been good. Fair. But instead we watch fucking demon Rachel pulling herself across the ground for a while and she like manages to say, God damn it, run away. It's super duper obvious that I'm demon beyond repair.

This whole bit is really falling apart now. Are you at 90? Do you hear my fucking voice right now? Yes, I'm at 90. Go. I sound like Heath doing Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Come on, obviously. But she still doesn't, Sarah still doesn't do it, right?

So demon Rachel walks a few steps away, sprouts demon wings and then shoots herself in the head. Yeah. Again, with the whole, like, you know, I opened the peanut brittle and the wings came out kind of emotional. I mean, the wings really don't matter down here in tiny little dark caves, but I guess sprouting the wings are like the bright line of like that's the 90% line. When you can like abort a demon. So okay.

And then Sarah grabs the sword and she's going to defend herself FPS style. Okay. This looks exactly like the screen. The user interface from I of the beholder. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See your sword sticking out. Exactly. In a way that

no one would use us or yeah. Right. She starts looking around. And this is honestly, this is the cleverest they ever got with the smart glasses. Because like as she met people throughout the thing, a little, little symbols of a mouth and eyes would come up as they're doing the facial recognition. So now she's looking around in the dark. And there's little facial recognition symbols showing up all around her. But she can't see him, right? Yeah. And if they didn't look like little smiley faces, that could have been creeped. Yeah.

Just a reminder about the context. This is God's big party for Yom Kippur because his son is coming back, according to scripture. Right. Yeah. I don't think the people that wrote this movie had the son coming back hard in mind, but yes, uh, their religion's wrong, though. So anyway, so Sarah shakes her USA, so around for a little while. And then she just stabs out and it turns out that the other end of that stab was Omar's dad's throat. And so could what could possibly go wrong with you're just like stabbing randomly in a group of people running for an exit in the dark.

You know you're in a group of people. It's not like they just happened to Ponder. Now I will say, you know, you don't, you make a little noise as you're walking up to your friends during the zombie apocalypse. Fair. There's at least some of the blame belongs to him. I'm just going gonna swing this sword around and if you come too close, that's your too bad.

Like, relax. But yes, when she fatally stabs him in the fucking throat, he's not a zombie or a demon at this point, by the way, just to be super clear. And then Omar comes up and he's like, what the fuck are you, did you just stab the first thing that moved? She's like, I just stabbed the first thing. I'm really sorry about that.

I announced that I was doing stabs in my wheelhouse area. And she's going in. So yeah, so they, you know, she apologizes. They all, well, they all, it's now it's Omar Kevin and her. They run off. They all pray in their own way. You know, she's doing Jewish. I guess Kevin is doing Christian. It's now it's Omar Kevin and her. They run off. They all pray in their own way. You know, she's doing Jewish.

I guess Kevin is doing Christian and Omar is doing Muslim. Now, he's the wrongest. So at the end of his prayer, he shoots himself in the mouth. Why does he shoot himself? Because because that character was played out. All right. You have no idea. Because I get it like the grief of, you know, you,

you just killed my dad. I don't want to lip out like there's a, there's, there's a two minute cooling off period. Yes. I feel like honestly, what happened is I, I believe the movie was made by Israeli people and they were like, yeah, we're trying to be, you know, nice about both sides and hippie, hippie, but there's no,

Omar should have been the hero at the end of this and they were like, that's not fucking happening. We're not going to live. Muslims not going to live. I'm sorry. Right. So yeah, so we watch her watch Kevin be scared for a fucking while and then he's like, Hey, you know, we're hiding from demons and you still have a light on your hat. And she's like, right, light on my hat.

That's dumb. Should not that. Now, of course, at this point, she could be like, you know, glasses turn on night sight or turn on, you know, infrared or something like that, but they didn't have the budget for anything like that. So we've just literally watched the darkness for like 45 seconds now.

It'd be funny if the video from Thriller came up here. Yeah. That's good. Damn, video from Thriller came up here. Oh, good. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. Again, great time for the Japanese cats, right? Another great moment that they missed. But then, okay, so we watched darkness for a little while, and then a demon turns on the light. And the facial recognition on her glasses kicks in,

and pegs the demon. It turns out it's her brother as a demon, very convenient time for the Wi-Fi to come back on. In the middle of the mind. Exactly. And also like, where did he die? As he just, he, he, he, he, he, he, he came back from the dead and then flew across an ocean or even worse God on a plane.

Yeah, they, they live in like Chicago or something. Exactly. But yeah, her, her prayer was answered. It's her brother, very monkey, partially, although there's got to be this moment where she's like, oh, fuck, God read the letter where I called him and asked, oh Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm in trouble now. But demon brother shows them the way out of the mind. He's like, oh no, I got you. I got you. I'll take care of you.

So is he a good demon or is he an angel that looks all fucked up because he went to hell, but then God brought him out of that to make him an angel. Like, what is he? What are you saying? It's more thought than the writers put into it. I just right there. Yeah. Who the fuck knows? He's a good demon as far as I can tell, or maybe good, maybe all the demons are good because

they are doing God's will. Oh, that would be an interesting twist to the movie that never happened. Yeah, right. The demons are like, what the fuck are these people doing? Like, we're just here to try and clean up the, like, you know, minds down here. And the political situation here is ridiculous. I'm a goddamn demon. You all need to calm down.

We need to clean up the minds. We need to do a shared state just relax. I mean, if you think about it, yeah, like, we don't know like that. One guy could have just fallen off the roof, tried to run from the demon and the only person we've seen him kill is that Israeli soldier who cut, you know, kind of had it coming. I mean, death to the occupiers. So, but yeah, so she we believe tells demon brother how much she misses him and Kevin's like, look, there's no non awkward way for me to say, could you leave your demon brother alone

and escape this cave with me? But I have to say that now, right? So they escape. I spent like a minute and a half trying to clean some schmutz off my fucking screen that turned out was in the movie. You were motherfuckers. And then as though the movie was saying, look, I know you guys

are all trying to take notes onto the same Google doc and this movie doesn't have distinct scenes like most movies do. The glasses randomly tell us that it's 540 AM now, right? Scene Q 40 AM. There you go. Right, right. There's one for you, which is, which is fucking weird because it shouldn't be, right? It was anyway. Yeah, but they made it. They get to the exit from the minds or whatever, but there's like a gate chained closed at the end, right?

So Kevin goes to work on the lock with, I guess his muscles, like we don't ever see what he's doing. The fully guy definitely has metal on metal sounds here, but like unless he's Wolverine, like, I don't know where that's coming from. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, because she still has the sword, right? She's been carrying that with her the whole time.

We see now that she's still got it. And now she's like choking and turning all demon voiced. She, she tries to call her dad and the glasses are like, sorry, I don't recognize your voice. Do you have a coat? Do you, uh, a little horse there or something like that? A little late zombification. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. So Kevin breaks open the lock with his manliness, with his Hulk powers or whatever. And he's like, come on, let's go and she's like puking worms and shit And he's like could you please stop puking worms long enough for us to get out of these fucking demon He's he's bizarrely unaware as she chokes and and and gurgles and spits and shit and turns into a demon

He is bizarrely unaware. I mean, I guess given what we've seen from Kevin so far, that's that tracks, right? Yeah. So they get outside and he looks over at us like, yeah, so you're, you're about to go full demon. Do we have time for a blowjob or no, I obviously obviously don't, I'm sorry. No, that's why did it? Why would I even bring that up? And then she goes full demon and she flies off, but of course in the first person, right? We're seeing this through the glasses. So we just see the glasses sort of just lift off out of the ground a little bit. From our perspective, what we get are what look like very long eyelashes that kind of like flutter into the front focus that I think are supposed to be those foldy, upy wings.

But yeah. And we hear the flap, flap is she, and I gotta say, you know, for a first time flyer, she's killing it. She's doing really good. Very, you're down right Harry Potter, ask in her naturalness with them. So I have an impertinent question. What was the point of dead brother,

good demon rescuing her in the very last scene? Right, right. If she's gonna turn into a demon anyway. if she's gonna turn into a demon anyway. If she's gonna turn into a demon, 30 seconds later. I think they're saying, I think it's your theory from before that it's actually all good demons. The demons are the good guys. All right.

All right, yeah. She's gonna join the demon crew now, right? And she's gonna bring smart glasses and they're gonna be like, oh shit, that's like a really useful technology fair, it's not even good. That's like a fair, fine, good. That's the good team.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Cause like she goes to play up and then she looks over and there's like a whole army of demons that are all like, you know, issuing foot flying up from from Jerusalem or whatever. So yeah, it looks like looks like they're about to kick some ass for the first first point of order. We're going to license the iron dome technology. Right? We're all right on that right? All right. I'll tell you what we made it to the finish line and none of us

vomited from the camera work at least not during this record. So I'm going to call that a win. But Andrew, before you let you go, can you remind our audience where they can hear more from you? Yeah, you already know opening arguments. If you haven't checked out clean up on aisle 45, the political show that I do with Allison Gill on Wednesdays, it's delightful and I swear. So, you know, those those tend to be things people like. So, uh, check it out. Delight, and Andrew's swearing. Fuck yeah. And of course, we'll have those linked on the show notes as well. Andrew, thank you so much for helping out today. Absolutely.

And well, that's gonna do it for our review of Jerusalem. That's not gonna do it for the episode, just shit, because we still have another spookticle for next week. So, heath, tell us what's on deck. From the makers of the badge, the Bible, and Bigfoot. We're going back to that well already. We have Halloween hero. Fuck yeah, we do.

So with the head to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode three, seventy five to one, merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to Andrew Torres for all the help and an even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among there, or actually you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash god awful. And they're by an early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton. But I think the five start review and by sharing the show and all your early access to an ad-reversion of every episode, you can also help us a ton by letting the five-star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows,

the Skating Aide, the Ascitation Needed, D&D, Binance and the Skape of Grindable, wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or send them out to suggestion, G-Name, God Offland, movies and Gmail.com, legal services for this podcast. Your provider might love this as a PN retours, term robbers and takes care of our social media,

our theme song is written in performed by a ride, slot, even with a dress on Mars. All other music is written in performed byed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and voice use with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check out this week for Heathen right knee-like Bosnick I'm No Lutions, promise to work harder in another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast glove close. Kevin went the rest of his life and never, ever, ever had a girl willing to go down on

him and amends from again. Everyone else in this movie died, so it's really hard to do a follow. The giant flocks of rabid zombie demons, there was a little chaotic, but overall, the political tension in the region really settled down nicely. They worked on that. Good guy, deep. I thought so long about who should be sucking whose dick between the two of you. Right. So is it just artistically? Do I want Andrew sucking no one's tick? The second I really spent a long time. I hope you weren't offended by it. I had to pick one. I had to pick one.

It's fucking Sophie's choice over here. You could you could have been the dick sucker though. And somebody else could have been just have to be me. And there was a third. I'll take turns. We're also in the other sticks. I want to be the benevolent sketchwriter. You know, like I step out like somebody else gets their

Dick sucked if I'm writing, you know, it's just, well, you didn't have to be so. Yeah. I like Morgan's experience right now. Right. This is a cold. This is just. Yeah.

No idea what we're talking about. There's a graphic sketch about some, some fallacious. It's gonna happen. All you know, the Andrew. It's a good, no. It's a good sketch. I mean, a lot of foreshadow. All right, here we go.

Oh, shit. That was so weird. I heard Heath on four and just Andrew on five. I heard the train in the background on both sides. Yeah, yeah, apologies. I mean, Andrew, doing a couple's answering machine together. No, no. Hi, you've reached Andrew and Heath.

We're not home right now. So leave a message after the beep. We love you. See, I used to have such good answering machine messages. Honestly, now that I think about it, that's when my love for podcasting began. The first time I had my own answering machine, and I had a message that was just like me pretending

I didn't know how I was like, I was going like yelling on my wife, how the fuck do you even make it work? I don't even know how to, this thing is a piece of beep, you know, and then that was it. It was from that moment on. I'm like, yep, me and recorded audio. You have to put the VCR on channel three.

He. Yeah. All right. I believe it or not. He's a mess. My wife had no idea that was from a TV show. Oh, the unmasked. My wife had no idea that was from a TV show. Oh, the greatest American hero. We need to bring that show back, man.

And how have they not done that? Yeah, and in this version, he needs to be the one that shoots Reagan. No. Okay, I want a version of Seinfeld where George is the one who shoots Reagan now. Okay. All right. Sure. Because it's much more heroic now. Like we had retrospect to you. Look back at it. You're like, you know what? Hinkley was really, he was doing us all. If he Jody Foster really owes him a date. Oh,

Conclusor time traveler that's good stuff. Yeah, right? Unambiguously. All right, here we go. It's like Michigan OSU. The basics, right? Middle East. Yeah. Shots. Interstitial too. Interstitial too. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Ruse so that we can get audio of Andrew Salem that no I'm surprised. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on the Thunderstrum LLC copyright 2022. All rights reserved.