God Awful Movies - 377: Years of the Beast

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us once more for an atheist review of Years of the Beast, the story of yet another rapture movie. Where all the rapture movie stuff happens, but none of the good rapture stuff does. --- Get your donations in now for Vulgarity for Charity! Just click here to make your donation of $50 or more, and send a copy of the receipt (along with your roast request) to [e-mail] --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self.

Right, and he had just read a line from the Bible about coming into him, and I was like, okay, and now he's on a beautiful sunset walk. And then there's just more coming talk, the whole time. There's a lot of coming talk. They had to be doing this on purpose at a certain point. Yeah, I threw some of the Eli Bosnik stories into here, especially when he was like, Jesus, please come into me. Oh, please. Oh Jesus come into me. Oh, oh, Who's your holy father? Yeah, all we need was for the wife to join in start calling out for daddy and you have my many vets account

God awful movie movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. Noah. Rapture movie. What's going to happen? I don't know. Only seen 37 of these. Can't wait to find out. And so, yes. So many times I was like, have we done, we haven't done, haven't done this. Yeah, okay. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Oh, what's that? I couldn't hear you over it. Heath requesting a rapture tagular for the next seven week in a row already. That's what you want. Okay. Yeah. This podcast.

Yeah. Great. And also joining us today, making her triumphant return to God off on movies. This host of the talk nerdy podcast and science communicator extraordinaire, Cara Santa Maria, Carol. Welcome back. Hey. I'm here and I'm on the same coast as you guys.

Yeah. Right. Right. Sometimes zone today, she put us off long enough. She was like, I'm moving. Still having unpacked all the boxes. I got this one. She had a ring box that she just kept sending me a picture of.

Having unpacked it. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched years of the beast. It's the story of the rapture without one single god damn scorpion horse locust lion with a lady face. Right. Disappointing every time. I think we got one once and it was a really bad attempt, but zero this time. Well, it was a silhouette, yeah.

Yeah, and one ghost one, yeah. Yeah. You're making a movie. There's like five interesting things in the entire Bible. This is one of them. This is great for a movie. Yeah. Make a scorpion horse locus with a lady face and a lion

and whatever. Pour out some bowls. And there's a dragon in it. Yeah. Crackens, eat some poop. And that's in the Bible too. Yeah. In the Bible.

Okay. You can book a physique. I can understand why you'd think that was an Eli Bosnick original, but that one is that one's from the Bible. I promise. And Eli, how bad was this movie? As opposed to like eating poop, you know, like we're on a scale of one to eating poop. Oh, all right. On a scale of one eating poop. Well, if you love the short shorts and white man froze of the 1980s, but there's not

enough knee or knee-nearing in advance of literally every living human in the film being wrong, you will love this movie. It's the Vax too of 1980s apocalypse. Oh, right. It's like a call forward. I'm going to put it right there to five. Yes. All right. So there's anything you just want to nominate.

This one for me the best. It'd be the worst at. Yeah. I'm going to go second best worst God weapon. Oh, so nothing will ever eclipse the God of the Quran. Shooting a Quran inside a magical lightning bolt and slicing off some of her seas head. We say no fair. But we get Christian God doing just sun and a little bit of piano music mostly as a weapon. Yeah, lens flare. And yellow blobs maybe. Yeah. No, that was a fun one. I'm gonna go with

Best worst Jewish Christian. You'll see We'll get to well you haven't seen the unexpected bar mitzvah, so I guess that's fair Yeah, exactly. Are you talking about the devout Christian named Kleinman? Gary hello everybody here I am to talk to you about Jesus. I got out of my safe inside this air. Gold movie studio you see Jesus Christ. You got to be a patron to get that show. You got to be a patron to hear that show.

Your patron sign N that joke shit. That's what I love. You're a patron sign, NDA, is that right? That's not the end of it. Yeah, that's part of it. You're not gonna get that little welcome letter. R's is actually an acknowledgement of term. Yeah. Strangely enough, it's just like Kanye's school in terms of antisemitism. Yeah, right, yeah.

And we have parkour days. There's a lot, but in common between us. And Kanye's now closed to cat. And we're shut down. And we're shut down. So, okay, so I was gonna go with best worst husband. The main character of this movie hates his wife, so goddamn much, he's such a piece of shit to her. And the movie never acknowledges that.

Like, I assumed like when he became a Christian, he was going to be like, honey, I'm sorry that I've been a piece of shit to you like literally every scene that we've shared together, but they never get around to that he's just shit. Yeah, I don't remember where it is, but somewhere in my notes I have Noah, when did they invent being nice to your wife? I'm gonna go with 1982. Yeah, I was certainly was. Oh, steady one. And I'm going to go with best worst unnecessary rapture addition.

So as as he mentioned, this is our 37th rapture. Now that might be low. I just feel like that's low. It might be. Yeah. It's it's somewhere in the 30s and they age like a fine wine for me. And the thing that I love most about watching the rapture for the 38th time is what has the crazy person who made this movie added to the rapture this time and oh lordy it's a good one in this. The rapture system is insane. We'll get to

the details of it. None of it makes sense. All right well I'll tell you what you can bet that any movie with years in the title is gonna run a little long, so we're gonna take a moment to brace ourselves, but we'll be back with all the rapture checklist bullshit that is years of the beast. Ooh, I love her eyes, they really sparkle in her face. Damn it, Cara, no! What? That wasn't good?

No, it wasn't good. Hey guys, what's going on? Yeah, we heard Eli yelling at Cara. Cara, did you explain to him that the moon isn't flat again? Okay, number one, we agreed to put a pin in my theory about the moon. That's definitely right. Absolutely not. And two, two, no.

We're getting ready for vulgarity for charity, and Cara's being way too nice. Vulgarity for charity, you mean our annual fundraiser for modest needs, a tax-except charity that helps prevent people who aren't eligible for other kinds of help from slipping into poverty? That's the one. Okay, but why do we need to be mean for a charity fundraiser? Well, that's the fun part. See, all you got to do is donate $50 or more.

Send us proof at vulgarityforcharity.com,'ll spell it out and tell us who you want us to roast. Then we deliver a scathingly brutal roast to the person of your choice. That's right. We randomly choose 100 roasts and then our top 100 donors are guaranteed their roast. Nice. So what do I need to do to donate again? Just donate 50 bucks to any cause you like on modest deeds.org Or their general fun. Mm-hmm. And send us proof to vulgarity4charity at gmail.com.

That's the word for not the number. And tell us who you'd like us to roast. And don't forget to include a picture or description if they're not famous. All right, so what do you say, Cara? You feel like you're up for it? I sure am, you sh- Wow! What, too? Way too far. Yeah. Too mean? Sure am, you sh- sh- sh- sh- Wow. What, too? Way too far.

Yeah. Do mean? Yeah, we'll work on it. Tick Ibrus will assign a Verility, Cara Sanemaria. Verility. That's known. Science. This episode is sponsored by Petter Help.

Hey, Cara. Hey, Lai, what's up? I was wondering if, you know, you and me could go to therapy. Together? Yeah, you know, you just, you haven't been on the show for so long. I assume we have some issues to work through, but I want you to know that I'm willing to work through them if you are. Eli.

I know, I know, it's going to be hard, but therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine called you. Yeah, I know that Eli. I am a therapist. And as the world's largest therapy service, better help has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out of brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist

anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% of your first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better help. H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. Eli, I didn't miss the show because I was mad at you. You didn't? No, I had surgery and then I moved across the country. Oh. And kids would go to therapy with Heath?

Why would I go to therapy with Heath? Oh, he's still pretty mad about what you said about his eyebrows in the last sketch. Well, yeah, but I meant that. Eli, did you ask? I did, buddy, but I meant that. He liked it, you asked. I did, buddy, it's not looking good. Did you tell her about the virility thing? Actually, long eyebrows are considered. A sign of virility, I read the email.

She read the email, bud, still a no go. Boo. Boo. Boo. That's good. That's good. Boo. And we're back for the breakdown

and we're gonna open up on a disclaimer that's like, okay, this is fictional. Yes, but not the hat fiction. We're not prophets. We're just repeating the words of prophets. Right. We kind of are prophets, though. But humbler, humbler, it actually says that.

And then they immediately follow that with in loving memory of a guy who died waiting for this prophecy to come true. Right. Try not to think too much about it. So specifically they say in memory of Lester K. Quick, a man who watched the Eastern sky and I'm like, that do got hit by an Eastbound truck. That's really fucking funny, right? That's, but I don't think that's what they meant.

It was sort of a weird intro because it was like Christy. You could tell where it was going, but it's kind of old and it has a vibe. And then this dude is reading Faust. And I was like, I don't know, am I into this? I think I might be into this. I would not be in this. That went away pretty quick for you. Yeah, pretty.

Yeah, the Faust monologue was the high point of the film. Yeah. It was also the high point of my entire Google search history trying to figure out what he was quoting here. This is, that's the most high brow game googling has ever been. Yeah. So, but yes, so we're going to meet the professor. This is professor Steven. He's the main character, I guess, of the film. And he's finishing up a class right before semester break. Okay, the end of the semester happens right at the end of this class.

Why would the end of the semester be the opening monologue of the film? Who does that? Anyways, that's how the play we just finished studying began. Right? You're welcome. It's literally the first thing after the prologues. Yes. Okay. And like also have the people who made this movie ever been to college because no. At the very end of class, the students clapped. Yes. Yep. Have you guys ever been in a class where students

clapped? Okay. I actually have I had an amazing philosophy professor who gets so into it and he make like a really poignant finish on all his lectures. And then sometimes he would literally do a backflip and we would go nuts. Okay, I mean, if one of my professors had ever done a backflip, I absolutely would have clapped. Same, same. In this moment, I felt like I had really been cheated out of an education.

I was like, you guys who went to fancy your schools. Is this a thing that they, I don't know. But yeah, so everybody claps. And then we, the camera follows Professor Stephen out across the campus. And we get credits as a hippie chick sings to us about Jesus. For I'm going to say conservatively 23 years. Yeah, my music note here is the woman who should have died instead of mama cast. I wrote music. Now that's what I call Bible camp. And of course, this is where we first are introduced to the fact that this movie has a character named Pug in it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's not a dog. It's just a character whose nickname is Pug.

I was almost said best best worst disappointing credits. Yeah, right. Even after they spoiled it for me, I was like, maybe that's not the bug they're talking about. Did you notice so that they played like the end credits at the beginning of them? Like the whole thing, it was like first AD, grip. Like why do we need all this at the beginning of the movie?

Yeah. So that at the end, it can just say the end and everybody can walk out of a theater that's lit. Fast right? This was not shown in a theater. Bear. Okay. Bear. Also, the credits spoil the movie. There's a credit for Prime Minister and then it says

in parentheses, the beast, which like, oh, wait, I fucking know that because I've seen 3080 these things. But like, right, yeah,, yeah, yeah, let us find out in the movie. Yeah, right. No, there was a credit in there for like plague victim. It's like, oh, come on, guys, you're really tipping your hands. So, but this ends when when Professor Steven gets to a pay phone and he calls his wife and we're introduced to just what a shitty relationship these two people have. She's like, oh, hey, can you pick up a few things from the grocery store on your way home? And he's like, Jesus woman, why must you

that fucking harass me at every turn? Oh God, I hate you so much. Then there's five minutes of just like clicking forks and knives on a plate while they don't talk Now I will say though I did relate to this interchange where he's like fine fine What do you want from the store and the wife's like I don't remember I wrote my notes. Oh the anabos next Well, he got her pretty worked up she was stressed. Yeah, right about how she can't get her dad on the phone For shadowing. Yeah, she needs milk bread eggs, flashlight batteries, coffee, hamburger, flashlight batteries, and then he's like, fuck you, you said the same thing twice. I

have. Oh my god. I wish I had married someone else. All right. So, so then Stephen, before he leaves, he's got to go chat with Professor Carl, right? So he stops by Professor Carl's office and it turns out that Professor Carl got fired with all the big cutbacks that just happened. That doesn't happen though. Like this dude seems like he's been there a while. Like he should have tenure, right? You with him. They don't fire professors. Oh, he probably gave some kids a C on a hard test. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You can get a fire. Yeah, I'll do it these days. So Carl, Carl got fired. And we find out right away, the university is canceled. For the next semester. Yeah. This university ran out of funding like a car ran out of gasoline. And it's just like, exactly.

We're stopping it. Carl looks like the Lorac settled down and became that super passionate professor that nobody listens to. Hey, you know, the one who's always trying to get you like sign a petition after his lecture and everyone just files past it. Well, it looks at the clipboard sadly. He must have sucked because it's weird to fire a guy when they're laying off the whole

staff because the universe is fucking canceled. Right. They were like, Carl, come in here. We're firing you right before this anyway. You're firing technically. Yeah, we're super confusing when he tells his wife later and he's like, Carl got fired and I got laid off. It's like, wait, what?

Within seconds. They're the same thing. We want to be clear, Carl, that if this ever starts up again, we do not want you to be happy. Yes. Well, but Steve, it's like, Carl, I can't believe they would fire you. Why you're the world's leading expert in foreshadowing allergies. He's like funny.

You should mention that. I have an essay about what the rapture will be like in case you want to read that for later in the movies. Like I do want to read that. You're the manuscript of that. Just carry this with you throughout the, you know, plot of your life soon. Yeah.

Carry it with you for the rest of your life. Yep. Right. Oh, true. Yes. And it's not pocket friendly at all. Just make sure you all know. No, exactly.

When you could actually use both hands because, you know, wrap it up. Here's a large roll of slides that you'll need to go along. Carry this too. I also, I don't know what happened with the set dressing here, but for some reason, they hand wrote the title of his book report on the Bible. Right. With like those bubble letters that we were wearing at a menorysical. Like an ungifted child wrote it because they have a crush on current events at biblical

prophetic literature. So that's what they call it. They call it current events, a biblical prophetic literature. Like what? What? That's the esoteric research that he referenced doing on the G-bus. Yep. So this is his job. So yeah, so he hands Professor Steven his fucking book reporter, whatever.

And just then there's an earthquake. And Carl disappears, but like Batman, right? Like Steven looks away and then he looks back and he's gone, right? And he's like, Carl, did you just sprint to the bathroom and you saying bolt speeds? That's the hardest I laugh during the movie because the idea of like, hey, Carl, did you sprint out of the room? Well, I guess I have to check the northbound hall

where you might have sprinted in that direction. What? Well, you guys, it was a pretty intense earthquake. It might have jostled as intestines a little bit. I did, I think they picked earthquake as like the end days. I don't know, it's a weird thing to pick, but we see there's a lot of earthquakes in this movie at the beginning, not really much later. Yeah, right.

Once they've made that point, they've made that point. Yeah. It's because they only had so much special effects budget and all you have to do for an earthquake is shake the camera. Yes, that's true. Yeah. So to be clear, the rapture happens in very small earthquakes for each person, which seems like a bad system and does seem like a bad system.

Not even close to the worst part of the system we're going to learn about. Now, also, what if he had been right? What if he had gone around the corner and Carl was in there just having explosive diarrhea? Oh, right. That's probably why you left the room in a hurry. Well, I'm here standing at the door to your cell now. Did you want to continue this discussion of your academic literature while you spray concrete around the bowl?

Cava, the Eli Bosnick story. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's fair. So, yeah. So we watched Professor Steven check under couch cushions for Carl for like a while. And then he goes to leave. But just as he leaves, he notices a pile of all the clothes that Carl was wearing on the ground right where he was. He's like, wow, that's, I don't think that was there earlier. Huh. Anyway. Yeah. And they leaves him in the custodian or just like, yeah, you know, pile of Carl's clear.

Is this Carl being caught? You know how he like gets naked and runs home, right? Really fast. That's probably what happened again. Use that way. I feel like I didn't even get that except that you guys wrote about it. Yeah. I was so mad that I was on the lookout for piles.

I was like, oh, it's a rapture movie. I hate that I know this right away. Yeah. Yeah, I just wrote in all caps floor blazer. Yeah. Why is everybody so concerned about the blazer on the floor? We get very like we have checklist for like, oh, okay, we can pile a clothes. Another one is babies or no babies. Yeah. Right. The real Christians always leave the babies in to let us know they're not fucking around. Any European person starts talking. They're going to become the anti-Christ

leader in the world. Anti-Christ. Yep. Yep. So, okay. So Steven heads home in traffic that is suspiciously light and he stops by the store and this is where we first get the sense that society started to break down because the Christians that were the glue holding it all together are no longer there, right? Before being rude at the store, the store is overcharging for things because there's no Christians there to make them be nice

I guess yeah, they'd be like crashed empty cars all over the road. Yeah, right. Yeah, not a lot. It's expensive to do though It's one of those super Jewish towns in Oregon or in Washington. Yeah. Yeah, are you get zooped up in your Ford Fiesta? Yes Yeah, they leave the clothes, but they take the car. Yeah. So, oh, and he was in the store, this lady walks up to him, says, hey, have you seen a little girl about Yay Tall? No, okay, I, she's, I don't, I'm not gonna be happy.

Okay, no babies, no babies, check. Disappeared into an earthquake. That's right. Okay. I wanted her to be like, have you seen a little girl around here? I did find a pile of her clothes, but I'm unconcerned because it's 1981.

She's Christ. The grocery store did feel quite a bit like two years ago when you went to the grocery store. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like had that vibe for sure. Well, yeah, because we even get Karen yelling at the mass display and knocking it over at us right?

She's like, fuck your instant mashed potatoes. Okay, that was awesome. She's so mad because like the story apparently today the rapture started and the higher ups at the store sent it down to all their chain spots. We're going to start price gouging right away because this is probably a rapture. So she's mad about the price gouging on her eggs. And then she's like, Hey, hey, hey, check out, cooler. Look at me in the eyes. Fuck your boxes. She's so, yeah, it runs out. Yeah. And so they have so much trouble understanding the sort of supply demand concept here, right? Because way fewer people means like buyers

market more groceries. Yeah. market. More groceries, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, so yes, we get home with this arm loaded groceries. And June is like, what, wow, what took you so long? And Steven's like, fuck you, you harpy bitch. I hate my life along with it. I'm gonna put this milk down and punch you in the throat, Carol. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So he breaks the news to her right? She's like, you know, I'm laid off for the next semester and Carl's fired and everything's gone to shit, right? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh, the 80s. When you'd lose your job and that was just it, you just grabbed a bindle, you were a hobo and you liked it. But so June explains that she's a little worried because she hasn't ever since the big earthquake, she hasn't been able to get her dad on the phone out out at the farm. Yeah.

Right? So she wants to go check on dad at the farm and he doesn't want to go and he's the man so he doesn't, you know, so he just tells her that. Yeah, and like really aggressively to, he's like, we are not going up to the farm. we are not going up to the farm. We are not going up to the farm. Cut to them going to the farm.

Yeah, right away. Well, this is supposed to be a comedy beat, but it doesn't really work in a world that's even vaguely aware of female autonomy, right? Yes. Well, yeah. Also, if he hadn't just delivered that last line like it was going to be followed by a right hook, it might have set up a little more calm.

I was expecting him to drop her off at the sanitarium for having her period in the next week. So yeah, so they drive, they're driving to the farm and suddenly their car is surrounded by drunken frat boys who want to spray beer on their car. And I'm like, you know what, I bet drunken frat boys would be the worst part of the apocalypse, right? Yeah. Woodlands mostly shake your car and offer you free drugs.

That's what they're known for. That's what they're doing. Yeah. The rotting teenagers in khaki khaki bell bottoms by the way. Yeah. Was that a thing? Cara, this is what your dad pictures. Your life is like in the big city.

You just do little time in your car. This is what I do on the weekend. Yeah, fuck yeah. You're rolling down the window, excited to get some drugs. So, and then we have the greatest cliche in all of film, right? There's, there's, their car is surrounded and suddenly it cuts off and won't start. Yeah, why do cars always die in movies?

Have you guys ever been in a car that just died? Okay. It's not, it's not important whether we had cars in the modern age, just die sometimes. It moving on or person to flame, you know, also explain this to me. If you run out of gas, because that's what they say happened. And oh, he braids her for not refilling the gas cam. It's a very non-productive conversation.

He's like, I mean, I told you, when you use the gas and the gas can, you have to refilling. She's like, I'm sorry. I didn't remember. You're like, this is very uncomfortable. Like, I don't like watching people fight in public, and that's all this movie is, is these two people fighting in public.

Yeah, this movie is basically going over to that friends house whose parents have big ugly fights in front of you and you have to be like, oh, my parents' marriage is actually okay. Yeah, it's all right. Good to know. But like, when you run out of gas, do the lights stay on? Yeah, I think they do that.

Oh yeah, because the battered lights will be going. Right, they're just out of gas, okay. But point being, you don't put the Oh, yeah, because the batter rides will be going right. They're just out of gas. Okay. But point being, you don't put the empty gas can back in the fridge. I think that's important for everybody. The real point being though is that the gas gauge was looking right at his ass, right? Not hers. You can't even see from the passenger seat.

So he runs the car out of gas and then he starts yelling at her for there being no spare gas in the trunk. Yeah, but like, you're right. He actually ran out of gas first. Yes. He was clinging to use the gas can. He was driving past empty being like, oh, no, I'll just, you know, stick my arm out the window and gas up as we're going.

We'll be fine. Yeah. We'll just coast to a stop and then use that gas that I assure a woman has prepared for me in case I meet. Right. There should be a fresh sandwich and a glass of full orange juice back there as well. Freshly squeezed. And so so he they yell at each other for a little while and just then her dad's truck

drives by and he's like, well, that's a useful plot device, isn't it? So they wave it down, but it's not her dad. It's Gary the Jewish Christian very Christian man. Oh, it's Gary, the Jewish Christian. Very Christian, man. Oh, I love Gary. Okay. So I feel like we need to talk about Gary up front because he's my favorite character other than yellow hat guy who we'll get to.

Gary seems like a super nice guy. And at first you're like, do I trust this guy? Who's two nights he's driving? This truck, dad's missing. Seems like he's gonna be a bad guy. Don't know why they said all of that up because none of it's true. He's just a nice guy.

That's all Gary is the whole movie. He's also by far, I'd say like by leaps and bounds, the best actor in this movie. Yes. Like he's actually good. Yeah. And he's got some legendary cartoon voice work on his IMDB page.

He was in fucking Transformers and GI Joe and Scooby-Doo. Like he was, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So this was this guy's like one attempt at legit acting. He was like, you know, maybe I'll try one of these movies things. He was in this and he was like, fucking, I'm going back to cartoons. Yes, exactly. I think let me add to what Kara is saying and say, I think the reason why we're supposed to suspect him throughout the early parts of the movie, you already hit on Kara. It's because he looks super Jewish. Yes.

I think everyone watching this movie in 1981 was like, they should check him for horns to their weapons and their hair. Yeah, they leaned into that hardcore. They like grew out his little Jew fro and they made him very, very like they leaned into the stereotype for sure. For sure. So Gary gives him a ride up to her dad's house. I love his fucking truck. It's like an old 1970s, late 60s pickup truck.

They were so pretty. Oh, so many, all the cars in this movie are so good. Aren't they? Like every car, even the cop car later, I know we're not there yet, but it's like, it's like a cool vintage Bronco, which would be worth a lot of money right now. Yeah, it was just a regular Bronco back then, but yeah, 40 fucking years ago. So yeah, so they, but they get to the farm,

there's no sign of dad, right? And the news is in the background, the radio is on, and the news is in the background, desperately trying to key them in on the plot, right? They're like, guys, it's the fucking rapture, I'm the news, it's the rapture. Okay, come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. All right. This is the fuck up. Have you not seen 37 of these? Dad's a Christian and he's gone. You're gonna find a pile of

clothes. Okay. The way they do this, which is so great is they're like the earthquake appears not to have an epicenter. It's just everywhere in the world. Shook. We guess where the news, the center would be the center of the world shook. We guess. Okay. Where the news? The center would be the center of the Earth day.

It would still happen. It's the never. They, and I get a, a, a yucky feeling in my stomach. They do this sometimes and like, I think it's an older movie thing. Maybe sometimes you see it in newer movies where grown ass women, like she's looking for her dad this whole time with all this stuff happening in the background, like going in every room of the house. And she's yelling daddy at the time for her lovely.

Yeah. Does it make you uncomfortable and grown women are like daddy, where are you daddy? I don't know. I think there's something very, I mean, it doesn't make me uncomfortable. It makes me what? What? What are you? I'm about what the movie is going on.

Yeah, it's perfectly in the in place in porn. Yeah. Yeah. Gross. I'm confused when perfectly in place in porn. Yeah. Yeah. Gross. I'm confused when they're actually looking for their father. Right. Not in the metaphorical sense. I mean, literally when they're literally looking, but not trying to like reach out to

them spiritually. So spiritually. You're not making a cut here. So yeah, so so Gary says, well, let me go check for him in the barn. All we found is a pile of clothes over the Bible. He was studying, he may be out in the barn. So it goes out there. And the, you know, we get some harrowing barn exploration. The music is sure, as this is very harrowing. Oh, I was just rooting for like nine piles of clothes and a fuck dungeon in the barn.

And yeah, all right. That's good. That's okay. Don is naked and fucking one of the goats and not raptured. They were like, oh, okay. That's why the clothes were there. Got it. Okay. The goat went up too, though. Interesting. So yeah, but instead he finds a woman in a hoodie in the barn. She goes to run off and Gary chases her down and tackles her. Tackles this shit out of her. It's weirdly rapey. It is? Yeah, he's like straddling her.

It's really hard. Yeah, right. Like if a young woman runs from you, you just, you just let her run from you. Yeah, right? You don't let it be a woman is running from me by doing anything. Yeah, and I think this is, this was almost my best worst because I think she's supposed to be a teenager. Oh, but she's clearly 55 years old. Yeah. She is 57 year. I mean, look, it's 1981 and skincare was invented in 2006. But still, she is 57 years

old. Yes. It's rough. It's rough. But yeah, she's, she's Cindy. He Gary drags her back into the house against her will, right? He tackles her, drags her she's Cindy. He Gary drags her back into the house against her will, right? He tackles her, drags her to the house. He says, I found this in the barn and they're like, it's a human. Why would you? She can just go. It's weird how you said that. Yeah.

But then like, of course, she explains that all of the Christians and her family disappeared, but her doubt NASA is still there, right? She's been left behind. And of course, Stephen, who is the avowed atheist, because he's a college professor and that's how college professors work, he's like, I'm sure there's an atheist explanation for all of this. Okay. This all happened today, right? This is like day one of Rapture. Yeah. Yeah. But already on the news, they're like all the graves are empty. Yeah, right. So that's another thing we learn about the rapture system. It takes decomposing corpses

into the air into heaven. Yes. And this girl went straight to knowing it's the rapture that day, immediately. She's probably seen 37 of these before. You know, she had a very Christian family. That's like most of her life just screaming at one sock on the ground being like, oh, no, okay, I found her, I found her. No, today she was right though. Also like as we're about to discover at the end of this scene, it's not just that the bodies get booped up to heaven. Yes, the graves become undug.

Yes, right. The graves are exhumed. God can't pull them through the ground. He has to go to like send angels with shovels apparently or a backhoe to draw a nice six by six. Right. Right. Yeah. Cause they all with the they hear on the news that the the graves of Christians are empty. So they run out to the backyard which is apparently where they buried grandma and her grave is wide open and like they look down the coffin is open and our clothes are sitting in it, right? So like she's naked and decomposed in heaven, which must be very embarrassing.

Flashcut to hundreds of millions of open graves all over every city and town everywhere. Right. Not everyone was buried in cemeteries. Shit. Hope the Andy Christ has some cement. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, anytime I see a mysteriously empty grave,

I feel the need to pause and ask Eli a few questions. So we're going to take a quick break, but we're back in a minute with even more of years of the beast. John Benay. Stopping there. K. Whoa. We're in heaven.

Praise the Lord, it was the rapture. Oh, there he is, my favorite grandson. Oh, hey, grandma. Jesus. Yes, praise Jesus indeed. Sure, but now I'm at your face. Yikes. Oh, that.

Yes, I'm afraid I met my end a bit early and by means of a grain pressure. But as the Bible says, they will be so in life as they student heaven. I don't think the Bible says that. Yeah. Well, it's in the old version. Anyway, I'm like this forever now. How are you even talking? I mean, it's paradise. So there's plenty of duct tape. Yeah, I can see the duct tape is a lot. You should see all the babies that died in the house fires. I don't want, I say, I feel like this is literally not heaven just because of this. Yeah, I get that a lot. Okay. Well, yeah, we're going to go, you know, check out, uh, heaven, other parts, not here. You stay here. Well, we'll see you around. You sure will. Cause we're here for

eternity. And I'm your grandma. Is it too late to go to hell? Yeah, I get that a lot too. And the Romans actually died their eyebrows to make them look thicker. Dude, you have to drop this. You're supposed to like science. This is science, Cara. All right, everybody. Dinner served. Heath, we got some pasta for you and Cara for you.

What is this? Why didn't I get pasta? Oh, well, we thought now that you live in Florida, you might like a little local cuisine. So that is fried alligator and marshmallow sweet potatoes. I made those. He did. It's true. You made them. Guys, I don't need local cuisine. I've been eating right even down in Florida with Hello Fresh. Oh, what's Hello fresh? With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on hello fresh to make home cooking easy, fun,

and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. It's true. Hello fresh is cheaper than grocery shopping and 25% less expensive than takeout. So I'm saving money and eating well. But you're so busy. How are you finding time to cook? Well, Hello Fresh is quick and easy options like 20-minute meals and easy cleanup recipes allow you to enjoy good times around the dinner table. It's true. I was a customer of Hello Fresh even before they became a sponsor.

And I love that they've added vegan meals to their menu. That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Hello Fresh as a product. All right. I am in. Where do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com slash awful 65 and use code awful 65 for 65% off plus free shipping. So I go to HelloFresh.com slash awful 65 and use the code awful 65 for 65% off plus free shipping. That's right. All right.

Well, I guess we can cancel the possum then. Yeah. We've already got it with the hammer though. Is a possum hammer? It's more of like a general varmant hammer, but yes. A varmant hammer. Got it. Yeah.

And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with Steven and Gary trucking back over to the car, the out of gas car that he abandoned the night before. The over my tippy singers back. Somebody took his tires and also just set the car on fire. And left. That's weird. What's this have to do with the plot? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So here's the thing that freaks me out logistically here. The tires are missing, but the car is not on blocks. How do you get the last two tires off? Well, they were going to leave their blocks behind. Andy Craig's super strength. Do you ever see the tablecloth trick? No. Oh, you take all four of them at once. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Everyone does the nuts at one, two, three, four.

And then when it land, then Steve, he's a little odd. Steve lights the middle seat on fire. You can tie all four tires to your nipples and then make a nice TikTok about it. Yeah. Everybody who's seen that guy knows. Yeah. And everybody else is like,

I've just seen that guy is like sure. Yeah, what, I've just seen that guy as like, sure he. Yeah, what? I don't think that website was TikTok by the guy. I'm pretty sure that was the TikToks. You lie. He thought you actually on TikTok? No, no, no, but I send you TikToks. You like to send me shit, yeah, exactly.

Eli, you're on TikTok? Oh, I love the shit out of TikToks. Why are you sending me TikToks? You want TikToks? You don't do that. I'm gonna. Why are you sending me TikToks? You want TikToks? I mean, don't do that. I'm gonna respond to my Instagram name. I'm saying before you say stuff. Too late.

My friend Sarah sends me the best TikToks, but I'm nervous now that you're just gonna send me pugs. That's what's gonna happen. Yeah. Because that's all you send me on Insta. You send me so many things on Insta, and I'm like, why did you send this to me? I just, because this is how I show my love.

I, you gotta love a really thick pug and I'm like, why did you send this to me? Because this is how I show my love. You gotta love a really thick pug in slow motion, trying to jump out or something. That's the best idea I can. Thank you. You don't have to love that. So speaking of pugs. Yeah, actually.

So they're driving away from the burned out stripped car and they get pulled over by a yes, a very stylish police truck. And this is where we're going to meet Pug the cop. The least likable cop. Sorry, the least likable bug. Yeah, right. The most likeable cop, the least likeable bug. So well, okay. So he comes over to fuck with him, just to harass him and then Pete shows up. This old guy that shows up to heckle the cop mid harassment. Oh, Pete's the fucking best. Pete's awesome.

Yes, there's Gary and Pete. That's the whole movie to me. Yes. They're the only ones that matter. Yeah, this is Prepper Pete. We're gonna learn he's a Prepper and he just walks into the background behind the cop and he's so happy. He just kind of like looks right into the camera for a second and he he's like, Hey, cop, fuck you. I heckled.

I'm gonna be on Pog. I'm pulling people over and ask for the license. Yeah, right. That's you. Pete is the Mary Sue self insert of the Crazy Christians watching this movie. Like they everyone really identified with Pete, he was their shadow. Yeah. Yeah. And while we're meeting Pete, hug is writing Steven a ticket for abandoning his car on the side of the road and making a mess when it got set on fire.

Yeah. I was weird. He was like, why didn't you report it? He's like, I'm literally reporting it right now because you're the first cop I've seen. And he's like, it's a little late, buddy. Yeah. It's their statue. I'm already like, this is a little late, buddy. Yeah. So there's a statue.

I'm already on fire. It's apocalypse day, man. It's supposed to report the car as you're running out of gas. You're supposed to look at it. On the pay phone. And then, and then you're right, he writes in a ticket,

which I'm not sure what that's for, how you can correct it. But then he's like, we'll go ahead and get it a toad to the junkyard. Like, oh, well, thanks dude. That's usually pretty expensive. Actually, yeah, much appreciated. Nice of you.

How do they get the wheels off like that without... Oh, God. Nipples? Yeah, probably. So, Gary and Steven drive on and they have this conversation where they're like, hey, should we have told the cop that the guy who owns the truck we're in, like, disappeared and was like raptured by Jesus and they're like, that would have sounded really fucking weird. Yeah, no, no, no, no, I say that. You're right.

Yeah, but they could have been like, there's an elderly person missing. They could have just said. Yeah, I do like that. They're supposed to still be atheists at this point. So he's like, hey, do you think maybe the Christians dug up all their friends and family to scare us. And it's like, I mean, that could be that is infinitely more likely than the Christian apocalypse. So yeah, no, it's fair. Yeah, no, Gary says that's what he's heard on the news. That's what the news is reporting that the Christians are faking him a rapture. So yeah, they exploded up their friends and then hid the exploded bodies every single one of them. I'm an atheist journalist. This all makes sense. That's what's happening

in the plot right now. They're probably in their closets. And then we cut to the most anti-Christy conversation pit they could find, right? We have Rasputin in his silly little hat. Yeah. What is happening here? No fucking clue. And he's talking to the prime minister of of what of earth. They just with no context are like come prime minister give us speech and everybody's like, yeah, he has an American accent. Like where are you? Right. Yeah, maybe Canada.

That's what I was thinking. Just maybe he's the prime minister of Canada or I guess American accent. I think it's the earth. You know how the UN is super powerful and it's really easy to get everybody in on one thing within a day. Yeah. He's the Prime Minister of everything. Okay.

You know how the UN is a big party with people eating chips and chips and then you start in front of the room and pose like a cologne model to start delivering to them. It's like that. Alternate theory. This is like a weird little small town. Where are we supposed to be? Washington? Washington. Washington.

Somewhere. Pacific Northwest. Yeah, Seattle area. Yeah, there's a weird small town in the Pacific Northwest. And they think that their town is the whole world. So he's the prime minister of like, betox or whatever. Yeah, I think that's actually what's happening in this movie.

Amazing. Yeah, because they, they, they, they, they, they, there's all of this pop and circumstances are like, oh, the prime minister is going to give this big speech or whatever. And it goes up to the front and the fact that this guy does not have a fucking European accent is the only surprising moment in the entire movie. Yeah.

Really was. Yeah. And there's like four people there to watch his speech. Like really, I think this is all just happening in yeah, Patalkin. Yeah, he's having a state of the union party with four people with like chips and dip. And then he's like, okay, I'm on TV for this one tiny little town. Hello, I'm not the Antichrist. I don't know why I said that right away. Uh, people are missing. And we're on the brink of a nuclear holocaust

is what he says. Right. Cause the Christians aren't there to hold society together with their forgiveness. Any okay. But do you notice that, that the weird Halloween costume guy, like what are we going to call him? Like his. Respeutants what I've gotten. I have to be right forever. in my notes. Resputing does have an accent, but it's not really an accent. It's just he enunciates intently. Yeah, that's his whole accent. And he forgets what he's doing and moves the accent into. Yeah, exactly.

It's like me trying to do an accent. There's also this great fucking moment, 1981 inclusivity here at its finest. The anti-Christ at one point, he goes, we must all come together. Black, don't list them white, too, Muslim, young, old, everybody, all men everywhere. That's the actual quote. No, but you left one out. It was black, white, yellow, yikes. Oh, what's all why bad? Oh, Jesus. The Jew. The Jew. I was gonna add the thus are very 1980. Yeah, that's right. Black the Jew.

But the black, the Jew, I literally wrote, this was my notes in order. We actually prefer not to be called the Jew. Oh, he just said the black, we're gonna give them prayer. You got the purpose. You got the purpose. You know, the royal black, the editorial black, Megan Markle. But then he actually uses the term New World Order, right? So that, you know, we know good and good and well.

He's he's getting the conspiracy theorist buzzwords there. But he uses it like affirmatively, right? He's like, we are the New World. I can't remember. Yeah, yeah. It was the new world order getting on board with my new world order. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so eventually we cut to the gang, but all the characters we met so far hanging

out at dad's house watching this on the news, right? Cindy, I guess it's just part of their family. I don't know if they've kidnapped or adopted or one or the other. Oh, there's for sure some Gary Cindy action, right? Like this is the stuff plot that they never show. It's the only stuff that I really cared about. And they never shared it with me. Well, in 1981, if you tackle a woman, she's probably in the court. Yeah. And then tell another guy tackles her. Yeah. You tackle her. Yeah. And then she fills your gas can and you're right. And then you fight for the rest of your show. Well, right. And then yeah, except when you're baking bread with the other wives, which is what her and June are about to go do, right?

It cracks me up because the two of them wander off and they keep, like, they're skirting the edge of the passing the backdelt test here. But then, they never do. Yeah, because they just talk about bread and men the whole time. Well, so they talk about bread for a while and I'm like, oh, she's talking about a relationship

with her mom, maybe this counts. And then she's like, and then I found Jesus and I'm like, ooh, does that count? Does she? Cause Jesus is a guy, but I don't know if that. And then they say, Then they just talk about their relationships. Well, right.

And then they're like, well, I sure hope Steven and Gary like this bread we're making for them because we're women and I'm a god damn it people. Oh, damn it. 10 seconds away. Did you squeeze the orange juice? Squeeze the orange juice. So, okay. So that night, Steven is hard at work, study in the Bible, right? Though his wife comes in and she's like, it's been months since the last scene and he's like, no, I know, I know. Hello, Steven. Time has passed.

Sure has. And this is, again, Kara, you haven't been through many apocalypsees with us, but this is one of my favorite hallmarks of the apocalypse movie as well, which is where the UN, which is now run by the Andy Christ, does a bunch of good stuff, but we're supposed to think it's bad. So it's like, yes, the UN is feeding everybody and there's medicines. And we're supposed to be like, boom, medicine. Right, yes.

All the different ways. All the different ways. All the different ways. That's how they get you with that reform. Yeah, exactly. Wow. Right, and they created a world banking system. We already have that.

We have a world banking system. What would that, why do they think that's bad? Why do they think it doesn't exist? And again, to be fair, all this is only happening in Wahakan or wherever. Yeah, right. Exactly. There's one channel on the radio, and this is where they get all their news. Radio was already not a thing in 1981, right? We were already, we had moved on to TV, but I feel like we had...

There's no TVs in this movie. This is also, they're doing the kitchen table haircut situation which is like just uncomfortable for everyone to walk. I feel like why wouldn't there be barbers? I feel like you'd still have barbers in the, nope, barbers famously all crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

I thought you were about to make a dentist reference there, Eli. And I got really worried. Why would currency collapse? Yeah. Like a bunch of people go away, like the dollar doesn't become dogecoin. All of a sudden, no, no, I don't. After a little bit of adjustment would be great. It would be great.

You would think? No, because all the dollars got zooped up because they all trust in God. Oh, right. Good point. Good point. And to be fair, like immediately after this scene, they look out the window and the sky is on fire and they don't seem very bothered by it. No, no. Well, and also it never comes up again, right? They walk outside. There's

these ominous green clouds. It's raining. The slime from you can't do that on television. There's all this ominous music and then later nothing there's nothing there's meteors that are falling out of the sky and they're like, well, that's fucking weird I guess on to the next scene, huh? Good breath, right? And the smithest it's being attacked by the last unicorn on VHS. So, so we get, yeah, so we get reminded of just how bad effects used to be in the pre CGI days and that we check in with Officer Pug.

This is where we're going to meet the dispatcher Alice. What is she wearing? What is she doing in this movie? Can we talk about Alice for a minute? Like the top half of her looks kind of like cool vintage. Like she's a little bit like non-binary. She has like a cool vibe going on with this. Like how do you describe those little ties

that you tie around your neck? Annie Hall. Yeah, she's got this very Annie Hall thing, but then like her bottom half is like orthodox. Yes. Did you guys notice that? Yeah. She's like a centaur of Annie Hall

and like an orthodox person. And like a, but, and also, but she's like a British cop that's also a flight attendant somehow. It's, yeah, very weird. And she's Pugs girlfriend, but, but not, but they're always at the very beginning of their relationship. Like this movie will extend through several years and they'll always be about to go on their first date. Yeah

Well, and isn't she like 30 years younger than pot yeah looks like it. Yeah, minimal Yeah, so he goes in so he walks into the police station and he's like any word on Seattle and she's like yeah About 70% of the people in Seattle got raptured. I'm like I'm gonna take him the under on that be honest with you I don't think these people have ever been to Seattle in the old. And they're shortages of everything, because again, they don't know how supply works. And fuck demand. If 70% of Seattle dies, you're gonna have enough patchouli for the rest of the planet forever. For all time.

So much patchouli left over. Yes. And so they talk about a bunch of weird shit and she's like oh you want to go to my place for lunch is like I'd love to go to your place for lunch and she's like oh oh oh one other thing an international executive order from the prime minister of earth just came through declaring worldwide martial law like she she but anyways that. Like that's your lead. Alice, Jesus fucking right. And and sheriff guys like,

all right, that's gonna be a hassle. Let's go get that sandwich though. We'll figure it out. For sure. The God King is declared martial law and I was thinking maybe like chicken. Yep. Like this.

Oh, so uncomfortable. I was like, I do not want to see these two people have sex. This is the least people, the least... Whatever people on the planet. I don't think there's any people in this movie that I'd want to... Maybe I watch Gary Masterbait, that's it. I don't... everybody else in this movie, that's about it. I want to see Prepper Pete fuck.

I've got to watch Pete. Alright, yeah, he's probably into some crazy shit. I would watch Prepper Pete fuck a I'm going to watch Pete. All right. Yeah, he's probably into some crazy shit. I would watch Brepper Pete fuck a clone of himself. Yeah. So, and I love to, he, because they're reading out this order from the anti-crestor whatever, and it's supposed to be making us the conservative audience gasp over and over there like, you know, all firearms are to be collected. Gasp.

You won't be allowed to hoard more food than you can eat gasp. And then it goes also shoot anybody who breaks the curfew. And I'm like, all right, well, that's a little, oh my. Which is weird because that was the one that the audience reversed on. They were like, I mean, people should stay home after the curfew. And I'm saying all the ideas are banned. Also, I'm kind of confused because they said that they were going to go round up the anarchists, the Christians, and the religious suppressives. Yeah. Oh, is that what he said?

Yeah, what is that list? Circle all of these that don't belong because that's crazy. It's tireless. Yeah. Is that not? Wait, so it's like the religious people and the non-religious people? Apparently, yes. Is that everyone that they're going to round up?

You know how small town cops in America are mostly atheists ready to jump at the opportunity to kill Christians on site? Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah. Notorious. But I just, there's no like consistency. Like, that wouldn't they also be anarchists? Like, they don't understand that the atheist...

I'm gonna have to arrest myself at this point, honest. I don't know. Like, the atheists are not fascists. It's a weird situation that they're, like the anarchists and the atheists are the same group, right? I'm very confused by this. So is the movie. I need help you guys.

Yeah. So, so, and so does the movie. So, Alice goes out, he goes to deputize himself some more people to help implement that martial law. And Alice has to go out and feed the dogs. She's mean to the dog. So now I'm fine with her getting ravaged by scorpion horse locusts, right? Yes. Be nice to the fucking dogs. Was this supposed to be a comedy beat? I don't know. Yeah. So they're trying to set up that these dogs are supposed to be really scary so that we'll be scared of them later. But they're the

doggies. They're like, they're dogs. And then also they didn't get like real trained dogs that know to lower their tails. So they jump up on the thing and they're like, I, I was the nice lady, it's the nice lady. She has food for us and we're supposed to be like, wow, vicious beasts all of my road. Everybody. Yeah.

I was furious. I wrote down some like graphic stuff that I raced from my notes. Yeah. I was mad. Really? He threatened the actress. I raced from my notes. Yeah. I was a mad dude. Really? He threatened the actress. He actually just tweeted at us.

Wow. It wasn't pretty. So then we cut to Pug. He's in a farm. I was gathering up all the hoarded food and the family that was hoarded and the food is like, don't do that. So then the deputy, deputy Lonnie shoots all of them to death with a shotgun. Yeah.

That's a weird scene. Yeah. And Pug reacts like, oh, man, this is going to be with a shotgun. Yeah, that's a weird scene. Yeah. And Pug reacts like, oh, man, this is gonna be so much paperwork. Yeah. Gonna have to have a whole meeting with HR now. Manny, you just, you tackle them and then you have a family and it would have been fine. All right, you shot them.

I was confused for a minute because Lonnie, I thought was Carl. Gary. Yeah, Gary, thanknie, I thought was Carl Gary. Yeah, Gary. Thank you. I thought it was Gary. God, they're all the same. I thought that that Lonnie was Gary.

It's like they hired his brother to play that role. It's too confusing. They looked way too alike. Yeah, why do they do this to us? Right. All white people looked the same to me at a certain point. Yeah. So, but yeah, and then they go straight from shooting that family to go see Professor Steven

and his wife and Gary and Cindy. Right. June, June is his wife. Right, they're going for excess food because you're not allowed to hoard. How much food is excess? Yeah, it seemed like that was just their food. Right. Yeah, right.

To eat that night, maybe the next day. Right, you just look at everybody. Yeah. All right, and I'm taking this much. He takes like a medium box of food, and he's like, this much is over. This is excess. He takes a half-eaten loaf of bread.

Yeah. I thought he was gonna be like, all right, now we gotta harvest the entire farm, except for three years of corn. There you go. But instead the writing is top tier because when when Pug goes to see Professor Steven, he says this line to him, hey, look you shut up. Why are you on a masterful?

Yeah, no, it's it. So he's there taking all their food and everything and Gary's just hackling them from the back row going, fucking cop, ACAB motherfucker, I just finished so you know, I know, I know. And Steve is trying not to antagonize him, right? He's like, guys, it's on the egg have a, you know, but then Pete shows up, right? So once again, as he's fucking with this

group of people, Pete shows up and says, Hey, this is what you look like. You look like this. You're a stupid fucking cop. And Pugs says to Pete, he's like, Hey, man, I know, you know, they call you a prepper fucking Pete. Obviously you've been a hoarding food. I know you've got a hoard of food around here somewhere. And Pete gives him this weird, if you go to the forest, just out behind the crogers and find my food, I'll kill your ass, kind of a speech, right? Yeah. Breyer patch. I mean, don't or if I fuck, I fucked it up. I wrote my notes, weird voluntary hint, Pete. Yes.

He also says lots of things can happen to a man out in the timber. Oh yeah, he's got some secrets. I am gonna watch that movie forever. What happens in the timber? That's where he fucks a clone of himself, yeah. To beat the prepper story. Yeah, exactly. Just tweet that with no context to Seth Andrews right now.

Lots of things can happen to a man out in the timber. Seriously, that's a great response to so many situations. Yeah, that's like going to be like the next song on the next Mumford and son's album. Yeah. Sure. So yeah, so he warns him, I don't, don't you go out in the woods looking for my baker, Buckez. I killed a fuck out of you. And then he leaves and Stephen drags Pete inside and he's like, hey, man, why the fuck

is everybody antagonizing the murder cop? Right. Now, Pete, we didn't mention it, but Pete actually saw them, saw Lonnie shoot that other fam. I actually got surprised here. He was like, that cop is a killer and Steven's like, what? And I was like, what? Tell me more.

And then I was like, oh, yeah, I just saw that. Yeah. And so Pug goes back to the police station. And he's like, Alice, damn it. Find me an excuse to arrest Pete. And she's like, you know, owning food is a felony at this point. So I feel like you can get him, right? Yeah.

I wrote my notes at this point, leave it to Christians to create a fiction where there are lady-faced or slokists and they're still the problem. Yeah. So okay. So sometime later, Steven is studying his Bible some more. I'm like, you know, it's a long fucking book, but you've had months, man, you could have read the whole thing. Dude, just skip to Revelation. Skip to the book and obviously that's what this is about.

He's reading begats over and over like, all right. No, there's a couple of chapters of Daniel you might need, but other than that, yeah. So yeah, so, but he's found the antidote to all the things that are going wrong. It's Christianity. They gotta become Jesusful, right? Jesusful.

And at this point, June comes in to tell him, Hey, you know, Gary is leaving. And he is really with the exception of Pete, the only likable character in the film. Maybe you want to try to talk him out of it. He's like, yeah, I'll run out there. I know I actually got sad. I was like, no, Gary's my fave. Yeah, right? Cindy too. Cindy had a huge boner for Gary. So she's like, yeah, he's don't leave. Yeah. So, so we go to this like tearful like he's going to go off to be on his own and freedom and bootstrap or whatever speech. And he's like, I'm a sovereign citizen, dammit. Yes. My name is in all lowercase. I wrote, he's a fremen on the land. Where is he going in his head right now, though?

Great question. Well clearly nowhere, because it comes back in like five minutes. And it does. And he's back in the next goddamn scene, so he hasn't gone far. And he says that, too. He's like, there was nowhere to go. There was nowhere to go. I remember how you guys said there was nowhere to go.

I hadn't thought through my plan beyond I'm going. Yeah. It turns out, does it really matter if you capitalize your name or not? That's just a thing for the internet. Like a four year old running away from home with a fucking wagon full of graham crackers. You just get down to the end of the block, eat all the graham crackers and then come back to you. I got down the end of the block ate all the graham crackers.

Here's the part though. here's the part in the film where something, does this ever happen you when you're watching a God-Off movie where something that doesn't matter just starts to bother you and then you can't stop thinking about it like a whole fucking movie? Oh yeah. So it's the apocalypse, right?

Like this is the rapture, like people are dying left and right, you can't have food. Like why are they all wearing button-down shirts? And why are they all tucked into their bills? Like, they're like spending too much time getting ready in the morning. Get casual, stop ironing people. This is the apocalypse.

Do I dress like it's the apocalypse all the time? So, disconsour, I'm thinking about me during all of COVID. And I abandoned non-elastic waste bands within a week. Right. No, the word suits like your grandpa going to the airport for no reason. Oh, this is seen. There's a scene later where the lead is wearing a button down shirt with a sweater over

it just for the little pop of collar. And I'm like, what is he doing? Yeah, it bothers me the whole rest of the movie. Now I'm just picturing Kara and sweatpants, like sweeping a bunch of dead people teeth off her desk into her purse for 20 minutes late for work. Like, ah. Yeah, that's my life Eli.

That's what I do all day, every day. And weird fantasies going on. So, so we come back to to Stephen doing some more Bible study. He gets very frustrated, so he's got to go for a walk. And while he's out on this walk, he happens upon an old church. Wait, before he gets to the church, can we not talk about the most beautiful sunset

I've ever seen in my life? It was very beautiful. Then he literally didn't notice. Interesting. Yeah. Right, and he had just read a line from the Bible about coming into him and I was like, okay, and now he's on a beautiful sunset walk.

I'm on board with this movie. Now he just comes to fucking church and discharge. And then there's just more coming talk the whole time. There's a lot of coming talk. They had to be doing this on purpose at a certain point. Yeah, I threw some of the Eli Bosnik stories into here, especially when he was like, Jesus, please come into me. Oh, Jesus come into me. Oh, oh, who's your holy father? Yeah, all we needed was for the wife to join in and start calling out for daddy and you

have my many vets account. So he sneaks into the church like he's going into the fucking porn section of a 1983 video store or whatever And it's all hollowed out because of the persecution everything But this is where he asks Jesus to come into him and and promises to pull out before I know I don't know how this works. Yeah, I don't know. I'm sure how it goes there. He'll take care of the cleanup He keeps talking about Carl right, which is that professor from the beginning that he got the Bible and the paper from, but he keeps invoking just Carl. And it's great for me because I get to imagine the pucker peg of corn instead of the pouring professor. I like the before he started praying to God. He was like, maybe if I just fix up the furniture in here and he like tips a pew from floor up.

Okay, that was nothing. I'm not afraid of that. For something. Yeah, so he says, he tells Jesus he's super sorry, says literal quote, Jesus, please come in to me. And then we turn around and dammit if Gary wasn't standing right behind him listening to his out loud prayer the whole time. And he's like, I will come into you met.

Oh, never mind. Never you know what you meant to different sense of come. I have a radio flyer full of Graham crackers. I'm a grown up. That's what I wrote is like Gary is like, Hey, I heard you needed someone to come into you. And this looks like Jesus hasn't shown up yet. Am I right? So he's like, Oh, Gary, I'm so happy to see you. Let's go back home.

Cindy and June sure miss you. And I'm like, he left in the last scene, guys. Like literally, the last scene was him leaving. And now we're in this scene. And he's back. Yeah, but they can't pass the Bechtel desk. So now they have nothing to talk about without getting ready. That's fair. They're just saying the word bread back. Oh, right. That's fair. They're just saying the word bread back in front of the truck. Carrier returns. And okay.

So that we see Stephen and Gary, they're walking through the forest in the dark. I'm sorry, we see as an overstatement with it, given the lighting here, we are aware vaguely that shapes are moving through other shapes that aren't moving, right? But as they're walking through the woods, a couple of guys come by with lanterns, and so they duck, they hide, you know, they're like, oh, they could be vigilantes. We should follow them in the dark. And Gary's like, I don't, I don't think we should, man. That's a terrible idea.

Yeah. I'm going to follow them through the woods almost always ends well. Yeah, especially in these kinds of movies. Also, what the fuck do they think a vigilante is? Yeah, right. What are you gonna arrest the vigilantes before they can vigilante? Is that where you're going for? But yes, but Stevens like you take the road. I'll follow the armed guys deeper into the woods and Gary's like, yeah, you have fun

with that And then we watched this amazing Stephen getting knocked out with a delayed reaction thing by ski mask guy. Yeah. Now that we know that Gary did a bunch of cartoon work, it makes a lot more sense because it's like, boom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So note that got you. That got you. You fall. It was like kids playing. Yeah. Yeah, right, right. So yes, so then Steven wakes up with a big lump on his head or something, whatever.

And the vigilantes are interrogating him on the forest path. Right. They're like, we found your pocket Bible. Are you a Christian? I want this to be like, do you guys have listeners to the show who have a running tally of statistics? Like do you have statistics? No.

No. This is excellent. Yeah, I want to know how many times this scene has happened. So many. Oh, God. So I literally wrote my notes. If I had a nickel for how many times I've watched this weird fucking fantasy play out where they get asked if they're a Christian and say, yes, even though they might die, I would

be so rich. Yes. Yes. Right. Yes. They're fucking persecution, fantasy, writ large, right? They're like, we found your Bible. Are you a Christian? And he goes, yes. And he's like, you can renounce your Jesus, your Jesusness right now, or we'll kill you. And he's like, I just can't. And they're like, you passed the Christianity test. Yeah.

So clearly, what we're witnessing here is, like you said, their weird wet dream about like really proving that you're Christian, right? Yeah. So clearly, this is the litmus test. It's like the highest litmus test for the writers of this movie. So why are these people not already raptured? I'm so fucking scared. Well, that's what they say.

They say that they go, we're new believers too. And I wrote my notes. It's weird that you would devise a gunpoint test for something you got into three weeks ago. Right. I've been woodworking for a month now. Make a stool or I'll shoot you in the brain. Right. And also, where's the threshold then? Like, why did like, I mean, I know I'm skipping head, but why did what's her name get raptured out of the blue? Like, this is so chaotic. And there's no internal logic. And I'm really frustrated by it. Well, the other thing too is they have this weird system

where like, there are no former Christians, right? Because like everybody either got raptured or they're just now hearing about this Jesus felt, right? So for the rest of the fucking movie, there's nobody who knows how Christianity works. Yeah. That's weird. So, yeah, but he, but he decides that he wants to join with the rebel Christians.

They tell him the password, too. They're like, okay, well, if you ever see anybody coming in the woods with a mask on, you have to use the password or they'll knock you unconscious and give you the Jesus test. What was the password? The password was life. Yep. Oh, that's why I didn't even notice.

Not a good pick. Nope. Yeah, I really wanted him to reject it. And be like, actually, I need one with a character and at least one capital 10 or 10. Oh, I'm gonna forget this. I hope Chrome saves this one. They really did need.

Not alpha numeric. I said. Can you guys help me with a grammar issue here? Sure. So they're like, did you hear about the dobsis? Wouldn't it just be dobs? You can go both ways actually. You did the dobsis.

Joneses. I would have definitely gone dobsisis. I prefer esopostrophes, just say dobs, yeah. But it wouldn't be a postory because it's not possessive, it's plural. All right. No, I guess it was a word. It's a word.. It's plural. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Right. You know, your dogs is dogs, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. They're not even doing a position. Yeah. In that case, yeah. And the dogs is a house. They're like, did you hear about the dogs? Who dogs?

No, you're right. Yeah. Certainly not how you plural, right? Yeah. Okay. You can write a movie without a last name that has an S at the end and make this a lot simpler for yourself. Also, this is how he's got kicked out of the writer's room for this film.

Jobs is this? Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to be an atheist podcaster. So then, okay, so, but they joined with the Christians. We cut to Cindy getting baptized. Does they all join the underground Christian club? A Gary's there and Pete's there. Pete's there and I'm like, Pete's Christy?

Like, well, newly. There's been no indication that Pete is Christy. I want to Pete just be like, I have a bunch of hidden supplies, just in case, and one was wondering. Right. Lot can happen to a man out in the timber.

So I guess one thing that can happen to a man out in the timber is finding Jesus. I guess so. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, everybody's soaking wet for Jesus. So I think they're going to need a minute to themselves. But first, let me have act through the hard sell. Will zombie armies attack Israel? We'll scorpion horse locust attack the cities where the fuck is the dragon with the mismatched number of heads and crowns? Find out that these filmmakers are just as cowardly as all the other rapture movie makers when we return for the good stuffless conclusion of years of the beast.

Larry? Larry Henderson? Oh my gosh, Craig! That is me! Hey, when did you get into heaven, man? It's been years! Here it has! Wow, yeah, no, really has. Actually, when did you get into heaven, man? It's been year has. Wow. Yeah. No, it really has.

Actually, just got in yesterday, my wife and I were cornered by a horse locust and I gave my life to Christ and boom, you're I am heaven. Here you are. Oh, here you are indeed. It's crazy. Because I, you know, I don't know if you remember, I was a Christian my whole life. You were, we used to call you Christian Craig, actually. I remember, I was a Christian my whole life. You were, we used to call you Christian Krag actually. I remember, I remember. I gave my life to Christ based on a book that gets pi wrong. But took you horse locusts. Yeah.

And yet, here we are. Right, right, and that's what matters. That is apparently what matters to Jesus. Not to everybody, but to Jesus. Yeah, yeah. So have you been to the spot? Sometimes, sometimes. I think to myself, I'm like,

is this right? Like, that we're both here? Like, oh, is there Christian my whole life? And you just sort of scooted in under the wire. You'd think there'd be like Christianity rankings, but nope, nope, we are just both. We'll be here in heaven. Yep. Larry Henderson. Oh my gosh, Jesus. Dude, it is amazing to see you. Oh, and sorry about the horse locust, by the way. Ah, dad's nothing. Don't sweat

it. So happy to be here. Hi, Jesus, hello. Hi, Craig. So, dude, I can't wait to show you around. Cool. Hey, Jesus, Jesus, do you remember when I gave my life to you when I was 10 and I actually never masturbated my whole life? Yes. Yes, Craig, I remember that.

Cool. Did you like, needs up, I was about to show Larry around. So. Oh, no, I'm, I, uh, great. Okay, good, good. Cool. Dude, you would not believe the people.

I'm stuck with up here most of the time. Oof, yeah, I imagine. Okay, I guess I'll, I'll catch you guys a later. Alligators? The worst. Probably gonna just go home and pray. You don't have to do that anymore, man. You are literally in heaven. Yeah, well, I don't have other interests, so I'm gonna. Hi, I'm Cara Santa Maria and unlike me, you probably have normal people teeth. Eli, what?

Oh, sorry. Yeah, this one's a quip ad and they make toothbrushes for normal people teeth. As opposed to... Maybe, people teeth. Didn't they give you special ones when you got on TV? No, Eli, they do not give you special teeth when you go on television. Really? Huh.

That's... I'm sure the copy's fine anyway. Just go ahead and read it and if there's anything weird, we'll just explain it. Okay, okay. So, good health starts with good habits. Quit makes it easy by delivering all the oral care essentials you need to care for your mouth and buy your mouth. I mean, a normal human mouth, which I no longer have. Well, enthusiasm in the read if you can just speed that up. The quip electric toothbrush is loved by over 7 million weaker mouths and has time sonic vibrations with 30 second pulses to guide a dentist recommended two-minute clean, a lightweight and sleek design for adults and kids with

no wires or bulky charger to weigh you down. My teeth can break through a man's rib cage like a bar of white chocolate. Eli, what is that? What? The context matters on that one. In addition to brush heads, quip also delivers fresh floss, toothpaste,

mouthwash, and gum refills every three months from $5. Chipping is free so you can save money and skip the hustle and bustle of in store shopping. Plus, you don't have to have all your normal teeth pulled out by a special doctor at the Disney Channel's headquarters. If you go to get quip.com slash awful right now, you'll get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at get quip.com slash awful. Spell G E T Q U I P dot com slash awful quip. The good habits company.

When I go to the dentist, he bleeds. See? And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with the anti-crisketton home to his prime ministerial vineyard for whatever. We never get anti-Christ small talk. 38 of these movies, we never get an anti-Christ being like, could we do like a lunch meeting

with them? Right. I just feel like if we could work through lunch, they only ever talk about their evil plans. Yeah. But this is an important moment, right? This is one that we get in all the rapture movies. An assassin shoots the anti-Christ to death. Don't worry. He's coming back. First sign that guy didn't work at the vineyard. He was watering the vineyard using a watering can. That's not biodynamic. Come on. Think about the moon, idiot. So yeah, so he gets shot in the eyes,

Rasputin Stairs at him all resurrecty. So then we cut to Rasputin doing a Satanic spell over the Prime Minister's dead body, which he's got on a candle covered plinth. Plinth, what a great word. I needed somebody to walk in and be like, hey, hey, you're doing a demon spell and you're demon right? Cause like there has to be a point where he's like, do you guys mind if I borrow the

but I will bring it back, I will bring I'll sign for it or what? No, why do we even have a demon platform out of here? Has that always been here? One other question about this, why does Resputin have a giant like Flava Flave crab necklace around his fucking neck? Yeah, you got it like a kiosk in the mall. Right, yeah, exactly. You went 300 tickets and you can have that, yeah. Yeah, a giant crab is less satanic and more silly

than I think they were hoping for in costume. He's a Jesus Christation. Nice. I'm so confused by like the, like I know it's supposed to be satanic, but the farther you are away from this shit, the more it's just like I didn't even notice that it was satanic until we were like deep in the scene.

I was like, oh, it's just boring Christian shit he's doing. Right, yes. All the same. It was like, oh, it's just boring Christian shit he's doing. Right. The same. It all looks the same from our angle. Yeah, exactly. It's 999, like it's doesn't matter. It's all the same. No.

So yeah, so but he does his little spell and brings the PM back to life. And then we cut to a crowd shot of everyone cheering for the resurrected Prime Minister. And the announcer, we hear this like news announcer like Q and a sin on what's going on. And he's like, they're now calling him Prince of the World, which is weird because they know about the Bible. They somebody in this world watched 37 of these movies before I'm sure. But, um, oh yeah, Prince of the World is like the lame. Is there, is that something? Was he called Prince of the World in the Bible?

Yes, so. That's so boring. Is that the actual translation? It's weird. They could do better than that. It was a lot scarier in the Bronze Age. Yeah. Just one time in one of these movies,

I want the Antichrist to lose the first election and like, I have to protest it and go to the courts and do the whole thing. Over-turn it using Mike Pence and Ginny Thomas. Yes. Yeah, I was gonna say they reserved that for real life, Antigrists. Yeah. So, yeah, but the announcer tells us the medical experts are amazed.

They're speechless at this miracle blah, blah, blah. And then once again, we cut to the main characters who are listening to this and answer on the radio, right? Always the fucking radio. This is where Pug shows up to tell the household it's time for the universal census where they'll each get their very own six, six, six tattoo on the palm of their hands. Well, Sharpie, they'll get Sharpie.

Yeah, six, six, right now on their hand. And he gives this information in the weirdest order possible. He's like, there's going to be a universal census. It's mandatory. And it's like, well, yeah, man, that's the nature of you. Also, also not done, not finished. Marks of the beast. Yep.

And we'll murder you if you don't come. Yes, to the census, which is, as I mentioned, mandatory. Yes. And then he does this great thing where he's like, any questions and I wanted so badly for them to be like, sorry, did you ask for the mark of the beast on your palm? That seems like a bad idea. Like, why did you go for palm?

Also, again, this whole world is just this town. Like, the cop is going door to door for the universal census. Right, yes. He thinks he's going to get everyone in the world that way. Exactly. It's going to take me a long time, honestly, to get the whole universe in this order. But I'm learning to head to China after your house. They literally talk about China in this movie and they say it like Trump and it makes me crazy.

Yeah. They like reference China as if it's this town and China. Like that's the whole world. Yeah. So and then so and Pugs says, oh, and by the way, I know he doesn't live here, but it's your job to make sure that Pete is at the universal census too, or I'll arrest you.

And he's like, how the fuck, I don't know, he's a woods person. What the fuck, I mean, do you know what happens to a man when they go out in the timber with a river? Are you fucking crazy? So, yeah, but that's his job. So Stephen calls an emergency meeting of the secret Christians.

So he cut over to that, and they all are discussing what they should do about the mark of the beach. Should they take the mark? Should they fake the mark? Should they not even fake it? Because that would still be satanic. And hey, credit where credits do I always like to acknowledge when movies have a sort of new twist on the 37 apocalypse this week, watch.

And I love the like, okay, but if I make a fake mark that is just the mark, is that, that feels like the mark, Craig. I just gotta tell you, we might as well just get the mark if we're gonna take place. I don't feel like it's it. It's not like a flash tattoo, man. I feel like they're gonna know it's the same.

Has anyone got Jesus on the horn about this? Right. Yeah, well, the whole meeting, they're like, well, you know, that depends on your interpretation. I'm like, yeah, I guess Jesus should have been way more specific about this, shit. What if I cross my fingers while I get it? Right, and then I can pay for stuff.

Yeah. But yeah, so bald guy that we've never met calls for a vote or actually calls for a fucking caucus, right? Oh, I think this is the part where I'm like skipping ahead 10 seconds, because I'm running out of time. I get it. So I'm, I missed a few things here. I wish I could do the same thing.

Now, there's one guy here who I can only describe as not bald yet. We'll learn later that he's the doctor, right? He's not, but he's scheduled for an early, at the next, at bald's next earliest convenience, but he's not there yet. And we learned that he's a doctor long after we should have learned that. Yeah. Like, they knew he was a doctor. They waited a really long time to go to him, spoiler alert. So yes, but, but so everybody in the congregation except for the pre-ball doctor agrees that they shouldn't get the mark of the beast

and they should go hide in the woods or something. Oh, that's what, that's the sorting here because they're starting to team up. Yeah, no, this is an actual footage of an Iowa caucuses and they've decided that some of them are gonna go into the woods or whatever. They're already in the woods, I don't know, it's not clear. Yeah, they just AD are in a little bit.

Much like the real Iowa caucuses. Yeah. Yeah, afterwards, yeah. So yeah, so they all go to leave. It's a Pete starts leading them in song at some point, kind of like out of the blue. And I so wanted everybody to just be like, Pete, could you not were having a song?

Well, they kind of do. Yeah, they do like a Jesus loves me. Swish, swish, they start to all walk. He's like, oh, we're not gonna do the 17 like a Jesus loves me. Smash. They start to all walk. He's like, Oh, we're not going to do the 17 verses of Jesus loves me this I know. And I'm like, nah, Pete, we're just gonna. Yeah. No, they all walk off mid fucking song. I'm like, that's a, that's a bit of a fuck you to be.

You let him finish, don't you? We're going to kind of, you'll never walk alone this Pete. If you don't mind, we're going to. So okay. So we cut to pug the next day. The census has happened and all the main characters didn't show up. So he's out looking for him. He's got a hunch where they might be. So he calls radios out.

He's like, I won't be around for the next days, a couple of days. I'm checking out a hunch and I'm like, martial law, I feel like we would need you here for those days. But okay. So he drives out into the woods where apparently there's like an law, I feel like we would need you here for those days, but okay. So he drives out into the woods where apparently there's like an old, I don't know, a little mission or hotel or apartment complex or something. So like, I have a sneaking suspicion of the filmmakers found this and they're like, guys, rap's your movie, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's an old wooden spool factory from the first shot we got. That's also a level from Golden Eye and the Alamo paintball range. It's like the perfect thing to have this big scene and they only use it for a fight scene. And I think we do a pretty good job of capturing these movies on this podcast. But one of the places we consistently fail is long boring walking scenes. And I will never convince you podcast listener just how much time Pug spends

GEN ever so gently pacing around gone. Nope, nobody here It is it goes on for over three minutes literally. Yeah. Well, and Well, and that's just the walking because there's other scenes where he's walking, but you're forgetting about all the scenes where they were just driving and doing nothing. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. There's like like 45% of this movie is just walking and driving. Yeah. We watch him go up like eight flights of stairs and then stop at the top and look around, there's nothing and then go down those eight flights of stairs so slowly. I feel bad for this overweight actor at a certain point, right?

There's just like, you don't, he doesn't have to go up all the stairs. We get, we get the idea. He checked upstairs, but no, they, they make him walk up all of them. And then so finally, so he's about to leave and he hasn't found the big. We cut to the good guys a couple of times. They're hiding somewhere that he hasn't found, right? There's no suspense, but they're like parallel editing it as though there was. And then he like sees a rat and he's like, I'm evil.

I shall murder this rat and he shoots it with a shot cut. Oh, yeah. Why? No reason. I wanted it so bad for him to be like painted with rat guts and have him be like, why did I do that? I was so close to be. I'm sure I wrote it. Also, like he's in the middle of this concrete block when he does this, right?

Because the walls are completely on the door and it's a concrete building. It would be so goddamn loud with that shotgun. I wanted his ears to be bleeding when he walked out, right? But he leaves and then Pete comes in right behind him with a fish in hand and he's like, hey, it looks like they didn't find us hiding Christians and they're like, wow, we're that we have devoted three fucking minutes to the scene then, huh? Mm-hmm.

Seems like a strange choice by us. And Pete goes, you know, I was so close to him when he walked by, I mean, I could have murdered him and they're like, good thing you're a Christian and you didn't murder him. He's like, right. And then we go on for like the rest of the movie of all this shit that he could have avoided if he'd just murdered him. Yeah. He might as well act it out with like them showing it, showing them risk control on the girls. And then I would have been like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, this is it. Anyway, been like, please, Pete, please, go easy. I mean, I would have been like, no, no.

No. None chucks now. Oh, you bebe, I was literally about to say I'm going to do some kata with my none chucks out back if you guys want to want. Actually called in chaku. Oh my god, I think it's serious, deadly weapon. So.

So yeah, okay. So then we cut to June and Cindy, rooting through some garbage, hoping to find canned food or whatever. Cindy literally checks the couch cushions of the abandoned couch and finds a can of pork and beans in them. A big can too, not one of the little ones.

Yeah, very, like to be clear, somebody lost that in there so far. Yes. And industrial site like I'm going to feed a kindergarten class parking beans. Right. Yes. I watch in TV and then they look to the side and they're like, that's gone. No idea where the fuck I better show up this sofa now. Drillsize can't work in beets go. Yeah. So there, but they find the parking beans and just then they hear dogs, they hear dogs barking at the cops are coming to get them. So they're, but they find the parking means and just then they hear dogs. They hear dogs barking at the cops are coming again. I'm so they have to run.

So now we're going to spend again, three minutes. I'm not exaggerating watching these people run away and not like in a suspenseful way, right? Like it's just we watched the two women run through an area and then we watch two cops with two dogs run through that same area a second later. Yeah. Carol, when did women learn to run without falling down? Because apparently it was not.

Well, so this movie came out two years before I was born and I've never fallen down when I run. All right. So it was between 1981 and 83 then we need to mark it down. I think so. Yeah. All right. Like that's a weird challenge to our listeners to trip you.

I don't, I'm not saying anyone you trip, Cara. If you say, I'm saying if you know where Cara jogs and you set out a trip wire and you film it, that's funny. No, I don't even think you're allowed to say that much. So yeah, so they run away for three minutes and then finally, June is like, you know, we need to split up this scene It's just tedious as it is. We need to split up or something. So Cindy runs one way June runs the other the cops follow June and they catch her And then she's like, please Jesus, let me go to heaven and and and come inside me or whatever it takes and then she fucking dies

She died you get a self-destruct button after the apocalypse, which rules. And also I would super abuse it, right? The first time I was reaching for something that was too high on a shelf, I would accidentally use the self-destruct button. Ah, fucking kill me. Right. Right. Really shouldn't have gone with the depressive. We shouldn't have given this to everybody. Yeah. But yeah, so pugs like tell me where they are.

Are you fucking dead? That's no fair. No fair. What was he doing to her before she died, though? Like I feel like she died to escape his weird creepy vibes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he spent about eight minutes stroking the side of her face, which was very

yes. At one point, he rubs his thumb across her lips. Yeah, he's been about eight minutes stroking the side of her face, which was very nice. At what point he rubs his thumb across her lips. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and Kara. Yes. Kara brought this up. So I'm going to talk about it.

She dies. He's like, ah, she's dead. And then he says to the other guys, I'll be there in a bit. Oh, for sure. No. He's confused because he hasn't quite tried necrophilia before, but he's sorted into it. Like there is a thing that was on the cutting room floor that definitely happened.

I mean, it's really hard to otherwise explain why it's like, so why don't you guys leave without me then and take the dogs out? Can you guys also explain again with the internal consistency and logic? Okay. So there's all these Christians who have not been raptured for whatever reason she gets raptured. Nobody else does, but she just slumps over. She's not a pile of clothes. She has a dead body left behind. I guess for pug. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Why would she get bamved? I do love the idea though. If it's just being like a tardy rapture, right? Like God said, oh, shit, I forgot June. Hahaha.

Oh, like home alone meets the years of the beast. Yeah, that'd be great. And then so, okay. So then Steven runs to check on it. Cindy gets back and she's like, oh, the cops were chasing us. I don't know where June is. So Steven runs back to check on her and Pug gets the drop on him. Then Stephen lives out stupid white guy fantasy where he knocks the gun away and he punches

Pug out with his upper cut with his show where you can drag and put. Yes, he might as well have yelled. I cast fireball. Yeah, I wrote Steve stops the, the way your uncle shows you karate on the front porch of Utah before you stop going there anymore. So yeah, so he punches, Pugout is Steven runs away

and Pug shoots him multiple times. He's like, oh, right, yeah, because he has a gun, right? I guess. He's gun. I should have been juking. I should have juked. Yeah, but bullets ain't got nothing on these Christian bones.

Have they killed any crow they did? They killed the dobsis. This is. Right. Yeah. Yeah. They needed a shotgun to do it. But yeah, he's just got Bibles taped all across his body.

But yeah, but even shot multiple times. Steven manages to hide well enough that Pug doesn't see him, but even shot multiple times Steven manages to hide well enough that pug doesn't see him, but Pete somehow senses that Steven might be unconscious in the woods somewhere. So he goes out and he pokes every bush in the Pacific Northwest until he finds the one that Stevens passed out it, right? Yeah. In fairness, this town is like a hundred square feet based on the boy or as I prefer to think of it, he was in the first bush. He looked and he was just like, now it's going to be a, oh, no,

never he has never liked that. Yeah. So, but they, but Steven says, yeah, June is dead and, and he's like, yeah, I know. And I'm like, how the fuck do I, the review know that it does make sense, but they, but they, he drags Steven back to the hideout all shot and fucked up. They show us like, because they're, they're going up a rope ladder to get to the place where they're hiding. And I guess the filmmakers were like, well, he wouldn't be able to go up in a rope ladder in, in the shape that he's in. So they show us like him being pulled up on a rope

swing. But how did they get him that last foot or so? Right. Like we asked to go up and over. Also, that wasn't my question. Like you didn't need to dedicate the time and effort you put into this movie to be like, and we did haul him up with a rope. Yeah, we're multiple forms of rope vessel. We bounced him off a trampoline a few times that went bad. And so, okay. And then we cut to Gary and Pete going to poison the dogs as revenge for for June dying. Yeah, what's happening? Fuck you guys, you're the bad guys now. I don't like you anymore. It feels so weird. Like there's so many other things you could do to move

the plot forward, right? It might as well be like, all right. Now here we are. We're going to go beat the shit out of Pugs, baby. Like, right. Yes. Just be going to fight Pug because you don't like it. Conflict is with him. Right.

Right. No need to fucking kill the dogs. But yeah. So Pete is running up to poison the dogs and hug pulls up just that and catches him before he can, right? And then Pete shoots him to death. But in a like main character is gonna need some last words in a second kind of a way, right?

Yeah. It doesn't even say something like they shot you pretty bad Pete. Yes. Yeah. It's even runs over say something like they shot you pretty bad Pete. Yes. Yeah. It's even runs over and pulls him in his arms very romantic. They shot you pretty bad and I wrote my notes. Yeah. Obviously, man. Yeah. That's not a bad bullet. What? What? And in the weirdest post script to this scene possible, Remember Alice, the assistant on the first date from the very beginning of the movie? Nope.

She witnesses, Prepper Pete get killed, and she decides to deliver the dog poison. And so we watch Pug like get ready to murder her. Like why they thought we needed to wrap up Alice, the office assistant's plot line it will forever be beyond me. And why they felt they need to go ahead and kill the dogs anyway at this point. Also could use some explanation.

What do they always say in movies? Do you always kill the dog? Is it? Yeah. Yeah. In the cloud, they were only allowed to use those dogs if they promised to kill them by the end of the production. And I think you're a very, very different time.

So yeah, so, so Gary goes back to the hideout and starts yelling at Cindy because she's a woman and he's a man about how they need to leave. I know Steven's not awake. So I was thinking I could be a total piece of shit to you, you know, just to, just to keep the feeling alive. Yeah. Right. But he's like, we need to leave. And she's like, well, but Stephen is still like, oh, shot to shit. But as multiple gunshot wounds, we need to help him. And and care is like, it's the fucking we're all going to,

Jesus is going to be back in a couple of weeks with the sword in his mouth. We all die. Then anyway, why don't fuck are we dragging this out for him? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, now there's a crazy billionaire reboot. We've watched 38 of these. I want one where people are just like lazily accepting everything because they know it ends in death anyways. Like, yeah, no, stab me in the heart.

You fucking horse logos. Who gives a shit? I don't care. Isn't that just, isn't that just don't look up? Like we already saw that. Yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah. But, but Cindy's like, I have a Bible quote. So I went and he's like, you do win, dammit.

And so they decide to take Stephen to a doctor that they apparently could have taken him to at any point, right? They have, they've had him for days with gunshot wounds out in the woods and they're like, oh, fucking the pre- preball guy, he's the doctor. He is a fucking doctor. Right. So they turn the dress up. Steve is a baby and abandon him at the doctor's front porch. Yeah. Leave it about his front porch like a flaming bag of poop or something. Yeah. The doctors like, Oh, drag him in real quick. He says, and I quote, well, at least he doesn't have the plague. Oh, yeah, what's going on here?

How you can just throw the plague into the plot? Yeah, it's like they had our apocalypse movie checklist. And they were like, shit, we didn't do plague. Can we say the word plague in the last five minutes of the movie? It's still going to full bingo square. Yeah. So it's so the doc operates on them the next morning. They're trying to decide what to do.

They're like, you know, should we turn them in for being for not having the mark of the beast or should we not? So it's, so the doc operates on them the next morning, they're trying to decide what to do. They're like, you know, should we turn him in for being, for not having the mark of the beast or should we not? And the doctor is like, yeah, I'm a, I'm a turn him in. Obviously, why would I not do that? I'm not even Christian anymore. And so the wife sends him away as soon as he's out of the door, right? A wife slaps him away.

She's like, Steve, wake up, wake up, Steve. Great. She stuffs these pills in his pocket, shoves him out the front door. I wanted so badly for him to just drop dead on the front porch and for her to be like, right, not how healing. Right. Yeah. Well, but luckily for him, apparently Gary and Cindy just sat next to that guy's house

at the corner of the whole time waiting for her to shove him out the door the next day. Mm hmm. Right. So, so okay. So now the three of them, Gary, Cindy and Steven are going to head for the high country. Yeah. Get it. I want to go to the high country.

That's like fun. Fuck yeah. I spent a lot of time in the high country. Let me tell you something. I was going to say it's called Colorado, Cara. I like Colorado. So they come across a dead body and this is like, I guess they had to mention it twice or whatever. They come across a dead body and they go, it's the plague. Yeah. And I'm like,

right, no, we heard you the first time. Like they just know that. Yeah. One thing I have to mention about this corpse is that this was very clearly like a grip or someone who agreed like, er, it's fine. I won't make a higher another actor. And he is doing a terrible job of not breathing. Like I'm watching this actor be like, stop breathing, Steven. Oh, God. I'm going to die. So, yes. So time passed as well. They're in There in the mountains we cut to the anti-Christ real quick. The anti-Christ is sick of Chinese people and quote,

pig Jews. Pig Jews. What? No idea. Non-coach or just reform. Oh, geez. Feel like this might have been like the actor caught off camera and they were like, oh, we can use this.

This is, this is, this is, this this. It's 1981, I get it. Yeah, but apparently those are the people that aren't accepting his dominion over the earth as China and the Jews. Pig Jews specifically, the pig Jews. Yeah. Were the non-pig Jews different as a group about this? He doesn't clarify, but I like to think that he's got a couple of nonpictures. He's a fan of. Okay. Cooperative nonpig. Got it. Yeah. He says, I am their God.

If they want war, I'll give them war. I'm serious enough to drop this rose over it dramatically, even. He drops this. It's a potted rose, right? So it's supposed to be this like forbidding gesture of like the flower fall, but it's like, I really wanted to turn the recipe and be like, you were supposed to catch that man. Great. I wanted a fucking blue rupee to pop out of it, but yeah, what the hell are we supposed to do with this? Let's walk back to the beginning of our little walk and talk.

And at the end, I'm going to throw this. You fucking catch it. I don't look it. It's awesome. So okay. So now we're, we're going to get their low budget pre CGI, war shot B roll. Yeah. Would you have to look at this? And you got to be like, are there really people dying in these scenes? I think they're probably right. Yeah. I don't know if they had stock footage in 1981, but if they did, they invented it for this movie.

Right. I have this wall footage. I spilled pink paint on. Do you want this? Oh, yeah, absolutely no. We'll take it and not explain it. That sounds great. Yeah.

This guy's like riding turdactyls, shooting machine guns that he said. That's a real thing in the Civil War, but that's a civil war that happened a lot. So yeah, so we get a bunch of tanks, one airplane and a hydrogen bomb. Yeah, right. That's it. Yeah. That's our montage. So now we cut back to the mountains where the real interesting stuff is happening.

The gang has been there so long that they have short beards now, Gary and Stephen do anyway, sending us so much. It was a short bearded length of war that happened. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But Stephen is very clearly that type of guy that cannot grow beard no matter how hard he tries. So this is very clearly supposed to be like months later, but he's got a fucking five

o'clock shadow. Couple tough. He was like your nephew trying to grow his first mustache and it's like a wipe. He's got to forcibly shave it off him with Thanksgiving. But apparently Pug has been looking for him this whole time. He hasn't had anything better to do. He's been, he's been following them through the high country like fucking Javere. He's dying of plague as this is happening.

He's very, he's got the spots to killing these. Is that what's wrong with his face? Yeah very he's got the spots to killing these is that what's wrong with his face Yeah, he's got the plague. Yeah, I thought it was growing tiny little devil horns out of his forehead because they're they have them like But also on his cheeks. Well, yeah, there was one on his cheek too. Yeah, so okay. All right. We'll go play cheek horns There's cheek horns. Yeah Pig Jew never say cheek horns again. Oh, please keep that in the episode. No. Please, please.

I beg you. Morgan, just keep. You need to adjust. The oil if it is just the delete my track and then everything is good. So yeah, so he sees Pugsy's Gary and he's like, ha, ha, I've got him. But first let me free climb one handed up a sheer rock face with a shotgun in the other hand so I could be above them. Why the fuck would he need to be a bug?

He can just go in and be like, I'm the one with the gun, right? But no, he goes the long way round. If he was low, they were going to be like, yeah, but below us by a little bit. We look much taller than you. I'm sorry, we're playing by joust rules in the high country. It's about who's higher in the high country. So yeah, so as he's doing this, we cut over to Steven and Gary and Cindy and they're talking about how great heaven's going to be and how they're're gonna see Pete and June again. And I'm sorry, anyone looking forward to heaven is always gonna be some creepy shit in my mind.

Yeah. And then Gary would like to lead us in an a tonal three different keys version of some Christian him. They're starting. We shall endure. I don't know if that's the title. He sings a little bit. They're like, all right Coolness and then Cindy starts up a second verse and they're like, oh, you're gonna you're gonna do we're gonna do the whole

People doing the other verses of jingle bells, right? Yeah, right your two will go. I thought I shut the fuck up Nobody knows the extra verse to the cheers theme song you're an asshole. I mean up. Nobody knows the extroverse to the cheers theme song. You're an asshole. I would use those the ones. Her horse was lean and like get the fuck out of my house. Get the fuck out. Get out.

Take your kids. I don't fucking care. So ultimately though, as they're singing, Pug gets over like above their little campsite is like, now I will shoot them downwardly. Ha ha, but just then, Stephen notices that the birds aren't singing. The bugs aren't buzzing.

Everything is unnaturally still. And then a bright Jesus light descends upon them and the final part of the rapture with the lights happens. Okay, Noah, I'm sure this is important. Can we talk about the noise? It is precisely in between a fly in your ear and nails on a goddamn chalkboard. It's this silly. Right? I know, it sounds like I'm just saying the two most universally disliked sounds, but that's exactly what they went with.

For, let me be clear, the rest of the film, right? Until the movie ends, there will be a like, ee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e- And then Pog turns around and I'm pretty sure tries to shoot Jesus. Oh, right. He sees the bright light. He turns his shotgun around and he just fires at it. Where's that dude? Dude, the guy who just keeps trying to shoot Jesus. I'll get a minute, a second, one minute.

Yeah. Yeah. But the power of the 80s synth and the bug noises make makes it not work. Yeah, so it falls off the side. Yeah, he falls to his death. They're like, see, it's okay if God kills him. Yeah, like God makes him jump, which is a little weird. Oh, okay.

It didn't look like a fall to me. Could just be bad actor, but yeah, it's one or the other or both. It could be both, I guess. But yeah, and then we get these little blobs of light zooming down, like we're in a wave shooter or something. Lockin' happen to a man when they're out in the timber. This was not on Pete's list, damn it. Yeah.

But and then we watch Steven, Cindy and Gary just smile at the Jesusness of it all, you know, because obviously they can't show us sword mouth Jesus at this point. So we just have to watch people watch him, I guess. Yeah. And then we close the movie on what is almost certainly the Bible's most spermful quote or the second one after the emissions of horses run. This is the actual quote, the spirit and the bridge say, come and let him that hear it say, come, surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord

Jesus. Seaman come, come, come, come. Right. Now we've gotten two clips to sell from this. Really, they've got a really helpful. So, okay. And then nobody lives happily ever after, I guess, but then, but in a good way, right? I just fucking religion is weird. Anyway, Cara, thank you so much for joining us. It's so good to have you back on the show. Yeah, that's just, that's it. That's the movie at that. Yeah. So good to have you back on the show. Yeah, that's just that's it. That's the movie at that. Yeah, that's just that's just that's you guys. And it ends on.

Well, I mean, look, after that much, come, it's over. Okay. Just not going to go a second time after that. True. And a quick reminder, of course, if you want to hear more from Kara, be sure to check out the show notes for links to her other work. And well, that's going to do it for our review of the years of the beast. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to bait our own

trap for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A loving husband's faith is put to the test when his wife is murdered. And he must decide between forgiveness and exacting violent retribution. We'll be watching 70 times seven. Oh, I bet they can't do the math on that. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up a three seventy seven to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to care for helping us out.

And perhaps even huge or thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to cut yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com. So I got off of it and they're by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also have a ton by leaving a five star review on my sharing on our show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows this getting the excitedion to DMD minus and the skepticacright Available Wherever Podcasts Lips. If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, you can email God off on movies at GMM.com,

Legal Services for this podcast provided by the law, if this is a P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, Dixiav, or our social media, our theme song was written in a performance by Ryan Slap, and we will be dressed on Mars. All the other music was written in a performance by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neelah Bosnich, I'm an Oluciens, promise to work hard, or in a nice week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

The first several years of heaven after the rapture was angels shoveling rotting dead bodies at like an e.A. hazmat sight. It's true that would happen. The core cult crew rebuilt to form the most powerful mega-church in the lower 40s. The great flash of light turned out to be another nuke. Steven, Cindy and Gary felt really silly in the seconds before they melted. Everyone who made this movie was demonstrably, irrevocably incorrect about when the world was... Yep!

41 years in count! Revocably incorrect about when the world was yeah 41 years in count And the five count I know it's been a while Cara. So I'll over my to do that Yeah, and you're in Florida now, so you might not remember how to count the cost All right, here we go Don't say gay. I actually have a t-shirt. This is say gay that I would. Nice.

I also have a t-shirt that I wear in Florida. This is I will aid in a bit abortion. I was fantastic. Waiting to see when I get my ask it. Is there a teenage bully out there who's really confused by the don't say gay law? So what do I call? Seems like you guys are on my side. This is

That's how I felt about this whole movie with the cops being anti-Christian Almost all cops are bastard. All right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is your thing? Back to the movie. Carol. What if you're done with carol? Santa Maria.

All right. Here we go. First. Yes. Nope. You were first. You saw me. You saw me.

You saw me. You got E like clicked first. I'm out of delay. Thank you. Why did you do that? You saw me, you saw me. He saw me a lot. You got, he like clicked first. I'm out of delay. Thank you. Why would you do that? And so, more, you're just so that it's clear her, her, her carlin seven, it would just be a long censored.

Yeah, don't actually show them. Although if you want like, maybe one of them can squeeze through. Yeah. Because some of those like you can actually say, like, pit, you'd say all of them. You can say all of them. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Okay. We share we shy away from condon it, but I guess we do.

I love. I just got one irritating word. I'm so good. It was the best part of Qed. It's called British in the ocean. Yeah. It sounds so charming somehow. Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. Okay. Who am I in this old lady? Yes. Old lady. I love old lady boys. You are an old lady, all torn up, but in heaven. I'm torn up. Yeah, you went through a great, a great thrash.

Oh, a great thrash, that kind of torn up. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, good clarification. You can also be drunk if you want. You can also be sexually used if you want to. Yeah, I want to be sexually used. I've never heard of it before, but I can work.

We're all coming from different places here. Normal. Okay. And I'm just some other guy in heaven. Yeah. Toorn up in anyway. Yeah. Okay.

Lena, recipes allow you to enjoy good times around the dinner table with loved ones and less time in the kitchen. Oh my God, I live alone. That's so sad. Is that related to the copy in the ad or did you just like have a self-fulsage in the middle of 20 minute meals are perfect to eat right over the sink and immediately throw everything right over the sink and immediately throw everything in. Make sure you don't choke because no one will be there to save you. Hello, fresh. You can give yourself the Heimlich with a chair.

This is gonna be your next ad, right? Like right down the goal. Oh my God. Don't need me to take that again or do you think you can take that off? I think we probably do need it again? I'm keeping all of this. This is the ad now. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Fuck. Okay. Morgan, if you could send me Keras saying my teeth can bite through a man's room cage.

Like a bar of white chocolate. And can we just tweet that out? Well, ahead of this episode's release, can I just add that out of nowhere? Who is aggressive? I do a lot with it. I'm gonna do a lot with it. I'm gonna make it my cell phone ring for when you call me.

I'm gonna sell merch t-shirts. Yes. Fight it out. Get like a t-shirt and then that's the caption. Wait, no. It could be like one of those like birthday cards where you push the button and then I love the thing. Oh, they are. A doll with a string on the back.

Yeah, God. With the teeth. The teeth are made out of steel, like covered in chalk. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzzle and the thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2022. All rights reserved.