God Awful Movies - 379: One Church

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

This week, the gang teams up for an atheist review of One Church, the story of a dystopian future where everyone is forced to belong to the same church, and the only cure is ... everyone belonging to the same different church. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

This actor who plays Jake, he's a good looking dude, but whether or not you're good looking or not, sometimes God just decides no beard on your cheeks and that is what they have decided for Jake. He looks like the 127 hours guy hadn't bothered sawing his arm soft and it's just stuck there. I like it under this rock He looks like an insurrectionist on a castaway island Should be crying in a cage at sea pack Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be Welcome back. Thanks, Dawn. I agree. I loved this movie. I agree with it by accident.

They made me agree with it. That's pretty great. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And sitting 900 miles to my north east is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Yeah.

Yeah. You know what? Now I'm seeing it. It is, how about a little less poison the movie? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to find a protagonist in it.

But yeah. All right. So he tell us what will be breaking down today? God is the protagonist Noah. Oh, well, of course, of course. We watched one church. Okay. So before even watching, I decided to call the plot. I just wrote this.

I had not watched it. I read like the two sentences on Amazon. And I was like, okay, it's going to be a cautionary tale about a country being dominated by one single religion and how to solve that with evangelical Christianity. It was exactly that. Yes. They never hear it. They never notice. Even when they do the thing in their movie that their movie is supposed to be against and they don't, they don't even realize that that it's amazing. No, there's bad guys. That's what I meant by I agree with this movie. Bad guys,

according to the movie, are constantly saying very reasonable shit for two hours. And I was just constantly agree. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you enjoyed the last 500 years of Christianity making everyone drink the exact same ghoulaid, you'll love this cautionary tale about making sure you've got the right flavor. Yeah, right. Yeah. So normally these movies, because we've seen a bazillion movies now where the government forces everybody to be one religion or whatever. Normally those are presented as like problematic because they usher in the apocalypse. But, but in this movie, they're just anti-unity. Yeah.

Right. They're just like, oh, that would be fucking terrible if it wasn't ours. I won't point there like the gates of hell have opened and then they forgot and it was just the anti-unithing for the whole movie. The protagonist, a protagonist of this film says the words Jews go to heaven unironically angrily, like he's being denied another ramacan of ranch to shock Friday. Those things happen usually within the same couple sentences in my experience. Yeah, no, that's very out of ranch. She's got Friday. Those things happen usually within the same couple sentences in my experience. Yeah, no, that's fair. Yeah, no, that's, yep.

Is there a, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Ask for more ranch when you order if you want to. If you want to. To tell me the beginning, I'll put it in the fucking system. God damn 11. 11. Can I have as many as you want?

And there's a juicler. Cool. Yep. I'm gonna go with best worst inexplicable enormous Beautiful man Thank you It's like they knew we were gonna be nodding off in the third act and they're like you know what we could use right now

I don't know how this I feel like maybe this guy just showed up and like bullied everybody on the set and be like I'm in the movie now And they're like you sure Just everyone's constantly walking their fingers up his chest. So what are you doing after the news? He's huge And he has serves no purpose whatsoever. He just shows up at the end of this movie has like three lines and then disappears. They even tease you. They're like, what about security? And I'm like, Oh, okay.

Here comes Mr. Cleen. He's like, I don't know. We should probably talk to the police. And I was like, where are you here? Why? Take a short off. So I was going to go with best worst interrupting. All right.

So this is the actors in this movie, it's just so comically bad. And several times, you know, one actor has to interrupt another actor while they're speaking. And every time they do it, they do it so poorly. Like look, I know, we do this all the time in our skits and shit. And it's kind of hard to get it right every time,

especially because we've got a delay that we're working around and stuff like that. But my God, they're like interrupting so early in the sentence that it's just like, what if I was going to ask you to lunch? And I'm going to go with best worst montages. Jesus. So if I'm not mistaken, find my count. There are six.

92. Six. So six actually is the real number. There are six sum up what happens in the movie montages and five. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Five main character is doing a thing montages in this movie. This movie may genuinely be more montage than not. You might, we might get there. Yeah. I won't point my notes. I was like, is this a musical? And I haven't realized it. But they just, they're, they guy hasn't had the courage to break into song yet. So they just keep reading. Finally, do a little peak behind the curtain here. So something that we do in our notes a lot of the time is if a scene

is useless, we'll highlight it in our notes to say, like, Hey, I think we can skip over this and not talk about it on the actual podcast. And I did that as I was watching the movie so often that I went back and unhighlighted every. I thought a movie was going to happen. But I was like, no, highlight. You like, did you erase the whole notes? Did you? It blank. I just wrote the word bad and 28 point font. All right, well, tell you what, as bad as this was, the main point seems to be religion is a negative and Trinity Lutheran set a dangerous precedent. So we need to take a minute to sort out how we're going to tackle that.

But as soon as we do, we'll be back with all the montages that are one church. And if they have children, use the kids bodies to distract the parents. This is not my first rodeo heath. Oh, guy, no, no, I'm just checking. Hey guys, what's with the Mad Max get ups? Oh, hey Eli, Heath and I are getting ready for Christmas shopping.

It's gonna be intense this year. Ooh, you wanna join? We can roll you at people again. Nah, nah, I'm good. I actually got all my Christmas shopping done early thanks to Raycon. What's Raycon? When you're looking for a gift everyone needs or talking stuffer that's not a candle for once, Raycons are the way to go.

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to match anyone's style. I mean, Eli, that sounds great, but do you have some kind of deal? I sure do. Right now, go to buyraycon.com slash Gam and use code early BF to get 20% off site wide. That's 20% off any Raycon product, which almost never happens or save even bigger and get 30% off Raycon's exclusive holiday bundles. That's code early BF at buyraycon.com slash

scam for 20% of your Raycon purchase by raycon.com slash scam. Awesome. Thanks. So I guess you guys don't have to go all barbarian on the people at the mall anymore, right? Oh, no, no, we're still going. We're still. Yeah, I don't want to let that restraining order lapse. Right. Oh, the Malthil has that. Oh, yeah. We killed the guy. I remember.

Yeah. Alright, everyone. Welcome to yet another writer's room meeting for one church. If I may, before we jump into this project, I'd like to lead us in a moment of prayer. Of course, of course. Great. Amen. Amen.

Father God, please look over us in our mission to unite all in your love and to see the truth and light of your word above all others. So that one day all will know the truth and glory and stand by your side in the final war against evil. Amen, brother. Amen. Lovely. Lovely.

All right. So what I'm thinking, the movie is about misguided politicians who decides that they're going to unite everyone in America to be the same religion. So he buys up all these churches and he passes a bunch of laws so that his is the only religion, no matter what people actually believe. And then our hero realizes that when people don't share those beliefs, he's persecuting them and eventually it gets more and more extreme to the point where law enforcement itself is being used as a tool in this domineering theocracy.

Um, bad. Yeah, that's a no. It's bad. And then at the end, he stands up and he tells his brother that you need to let people believe what they want because the church is in a vehicle for personal vendettas and biases. I'm so sorry. You guys hear it, right? Are you with you?

But the last time, man, no, we don't hear it. We don't hear it, right? Right. What the fuck are you talking about? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha actor is doing her damnedest to make this little light of mine sound scary. Yeah, it's a good song. Whatever. It's just like weird smudgy demon lady walking down the street singing that badly as best she can. Yeah. Right, but I think at some point in the like shot, the actress gets pissed off at having to do this this many times. So it goes from like creepy singing children song to like walking, but before we get there, we cut over to this character that will

eventually be the president of the United States. I don't know if they ever give this guy a fucking name. So, but he's not the president yet. So he's in his, his house, he's on the phone, playing political hardball with somebody or something, right? I guess he's supposed to be a congressman at this point. You're breaking my balls. Yeah. My balls, you're breaking them. And, and spoiler alert, he's going to be much older for the rest of the movie. So the way that they showed him younger in these scenes is a truly dollar store fake mustache. I have no idea why they made that choice. It is criminal.

It's a really bad pick. Yeah. His wife in the movie is like, honey, you're getting close to Hitler's look again. What do we say? Don't sell, no, but no more thin moustaches. That's forever the law now. Yeah. Michael Jordan did it, showed that it was possible, but then he retired. So and also I should point out this movie should come with like the audio version of those epilepsy warnings, right? The first couple of scenes, the movement from left to right, it just, it was batshit. Yeah. Also, if through several scenes

in this movie, someone will just be like playing the maracas on their lava lear mic. It's fucking. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. But, but this guy looks out his window and he sees the chick that's singing this little light of mine and he runs downstairs, turns out that she's wearing his daughter's coat and her backpack. Right. The crazy lady is. This is a really weird way to deliver the message that she's delivering that we're about to learn.

Like, why? What is it? Apparently, this lady is part of a cult that kidnap tabby. We're going to find that out in a second. So they sent her. They were like, where are jacket and book bag? And then saying, really loud outside your house to deliver the message. Right. Really one of them to be on like a weekend away. And she's just standing out there. I did. I'm here. They pull up.

Hi, what are you? I've been here for two and a half days. I'm your daughter's about to die. I'm exhausted. You have water. She's actually already dead now. I want me to find some of the on-fried issues about the night. Yeah. But anyway, so then they bring her into his house. So he grabs his, now this is supposed to be in the past. We know that because they have a cell from like 1836

or something, right for this guy. Yeah, except this is a Christian movie. So I was just like, yep, typical Christian technology. Yeah, exactly. They were so used to their shippians that out of the day. To crank in it like one of those Vietnam phones to call in the area and they come back. He'd a wind talker. But so she calls the kidnapper guy and he demands $15 million in ransom. I don't have that kind of money. So, yeah, he can't have it. So, that guy's name is Adam.

She's like, I got a message from Adam and the guy who's about to become president. He's like, does Adam from the Bible have my daughter? And she's like, what? No. That makes no sense at all. I'm doing a rancid. What the fuck are you talking about?

Relatively common name. She's another person named Adam. Wow. So then we head over to like bad guy creepy church. And it's one of these great moments where like, you know, they're trying to establish, no, this is a scary culty church, but it looks identical to like people like us

who don't go to a church. They're like, yeah, this is just a church. In this scene, you could replace the he with Jesus and they'd be like, awesome. This room needs more kids. I don't know about you guys. Right. Yes. Also, wait, can we talk about?

We have to talk about it. My favorite character in the movie, voice changer for a voice man. So what's happened here is they slowed this, apparently this guy probably just had kind of a a non-scary voice and they were just like, oh, we need to make his voice sound scarier. So they slowed it down in post and then acted like that's just how that dude sounds.

Okay, but yeah, he's part of a kidnapping we just learned. So I was like, oh my God, did they accidentally keep the voice modulator for the kidnapping thing, like in the room and somehow his voice is running through that and they don't realize it? So yeah, really, I felt like maybe like, he got done with the call or whatever and somebody padded him on the back to say, good job and he swallowed it, you know, right?

Exactly. Oh no, no, I'd like this forever. Oh yeah, it's like he got a compliment on a hat once and now he'll never take the hat off for the rest of his life. Yeah. So he does the next thing. We bought the voice, my Jailer. I want to use it for other stuff.

It's, I said, awesome. You don't have to be. I'm keeping that. I do want to point out that it did make me a little sad though because this reminded me of the time Michelin Dell used to voice changer on a fart by and so I laughed at that for a while. I mean, I was watching a different movie. Never forget, never forget. I bet his real fart is squeak fart and he was embarrassed. He was like, no, I'm not. You're gonna get me a manly earful.

Sorry. Sorry. So yeah, so anyway, so we get that, we get creepy church, and then everybody comes up to get communion, including the kidnabbed congressional daughter, Tabby. So then we get our credits, and we open up on a SWAT team that's moving towards this creepy church, but, but like there's a bunch of firefighters and shit just

stay like milling around and the SWAT team is still sneaking up on the, all military. As though they got there and they said, well, we're doing our SWAT team walk. Okay, God damn it. I don't care if there's danger. No, we did not spend six years training as a paintball team to be, made a mockery of today. We went to coach Dave Dobin Myers camp. And they're so bad they keep like accidentally pointing their guns at each other. Constantly. One of them, they're walking in a straight line at one point and the guy keeps his gun up, just pointed directly at the back of the helmet. I was doing a diveral when you pop up and you don't, you're disoriented for a second.

I won't. You dive shoot. You dive. I shoot. That's how it's going to work. You know, like Trump bones when they do the swingy thing and a braid. Yeah, we really have to get this right. We shoot each other.

So yeah, but they break into the church where everyone has just like Jim Jones themselves to death with that poison communion. Okay, look, I know this is supposed to be a serious moment. And maybe it would have been if they had gotten these actors to arrange themselves a little less comfortably. Right? Every actor is like, why not just fucking falling on the floor. I'm going to rest my head on Steve's tummy.

And Steve was like, Oh, are we resting in his own tummy? So it looks like a high school drama club just doing a cuddle puddle. Yeah. It's just like a really relaxing cozy, daisy chain, not fucking sleeping, the napping. Right. Also, they really crammed everyone in this cult into a tiny room to do this big ghouletos. They must have. It's just the floor is covered. Yeah, no to a clowns in a car degree. Yeah, no, it was fucking hilarious. So we cut from there to

tapeth this funeral and we get, you know, the preacher guy going like, now I know that you all are very upset about this little girl dying, but don't make it let it make you angry. Let it make you my religion is the important thing. Yeah, he says religious cult thinking is unfathomable. And next sense, he's like, anyway, God created sin and then killed his own son to forget us. So you, you can all die and have eternal bliss whenever you die. And that's why you washed in blood. Doesn't that sound nice? Don't do cults.

Also, can we talk about his accidentally good pause? He goes, let's vow to leave this church today. And I was like, I'm loving it. And he goes dedicated to Christ the new. Yeah. Oh, damn it. So close. So okay. So we cut to the funeral reception where we're going to me.

I don't know why you would introduce a character like this if you weren't going to fucking use them, but we're going to meet cowboy Jim, the senator. We meet so many useless cartoons in this movie. So people will be like, you remember me, don't you? I'm Jim, the hats myth. And I have that don't forget my metal candles that I always put to the left hand right. Here's the great example. Remember Adam, the cult leader who killed the daughter, spoiler alert, he will never,

ever come back in the fucking movie. Nope. Like a jail cell of cartoon extras opened up somehow, and they were wandering into the movie. I'm here to have a little bit technically. Yeah. So the future president guy is going like, man, these damn religions and their damn religion and cowboy Jim is going, but man, what about the first amendment?

Freedom of religion is super duper important. And then that guy kneeled pipes up for second, too. So they're all talking about like, oh my God, how does it call it like this habit is so sad. And Neil is like, oh, I don't know, maybe we should have like a better social safety net and people won't be like victim. I should fuck up Neil. They both yell at him at the same time. Neil never comes back either. No, none of that. Yeah. No, he goes to the president guy goes, you know, in America, there are over 1500 religions. And I'm like, man, most of them are fucking Christianity, though, right? You guys just keep coming up with new damn names for the same thing.

The panic cost of the seventh day advent. It's fine. We get it. Yeah. Right. Right. I do like how they show us some of that funeral reception thing. Like they, they couldn't write anything for it.

But we watch one guy walk up to like, bereaved family member and being like, so tabby's dead because of that cult. They're like, oh, spinach dip. And he did. But he's a baguette walks away. There's nothing weirder than funeral receptions to me, right? Like nothing comforts me more. And my moment of need than for everyone to

stand around in my house eating finger sandwiches. Yeah, that's, yeah, super duper awkward. And you have to cut over to the wife who's like, you know, I'm being sufficiently miserable, right? For everybody to look at. Yeah. At one point, one of the characters goes, how's your wife doing? And the president's like, oh, bad, because our daughter killed herself in a cult suicide. Yeah, that's, Oh, and you're fucking day. Let me tell you,

she's great. Pan over. She's listening to Katrina and the waves dancing around on top of a table. Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, I think I was just guessing. I was just walking on sunshine for a second. So the key here, though, is that the president has decided

that's, or the future president guy, the congressman has decided that somebody needs to stand up to these damn churches. And just then his aide, this is Paul, is going to call him over to tell him how good his poll numbers are at his daughter's. Jesus Paul timing, man, timing. Yeah, we learned he says like the polls, they really like dead cult daughters actually. It turns out that polls, I mean, Christians especially are loving it. That's 77% of the country. Well, so there's this amazing moment here where this, this movie accidentally does the thing that it's saying evil people would do, right?

Because it says, Paul says to him, he says, Hey, man, you know, according to the number of 77% of Americans consider themselves Christian. And then immediately after that, he says, Hey, man, you know, according to the number of 77% of Americans consider themselves Christian. And then immediately after that, he says, did you hear what I said? I just said 77% of Americans consider themselves religious. Yeah. I didn't get to that. Yeah, it just blew me away as though those were the same statements. And this is also where we meet.

Okay. So this is a weird one. The movie just does some bizarre shit here. We meet little Beth, right? Now, this is a 18 years later, we're about to have a big time jump and Beth and this other little boy are going to be love interests for the rest of the movie, right? There are protagonists,

but the way they have to get there is basically with like this nine year old flirting at her sister's funeral with this boy. That's a nine year old funeral meat cute. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

They ran interesting. So yeah, so they bond over a Peppa Pig doll. That's very important. It'll come back. We meet my favorite character in the movie, The Dog at the funeral here. Yeah. It's fun. We meet my favorite character in the movie the dog at the funeral here. Yes Does not want to be in this movie the dog? He's trying to get out of the frame. Yeah Best some kids trying to like play with the dog clearly the kid was told oh

You know do the thing where you like throw a cracker and the dog gets it or whatever so the kid put the kids on a doc So the kid throw us the cracker in the water. He's like go get get the cracker. And the dog's like, no, fuck you. This is a shitty movie. He is. I'm like, I'm getting wet for this dumbass movie. Yeah. So I think that's supposed to be this is supposed to be the older brother Mason. And we're supposed to see that he's being mean to a dog so that we know he's a bad guy later. Right. Oh, okay. I had no fucking idea. Okay, that makes a little bit more sense. I was just like, oh, it was so distracting. The dog just told you to fuck yourself

and you kept it in the movie, okay? Well, especially because this movie didn't start off by saying like what year we were in or anything. Like it didn't start off as like, you know, December of 1997 or whatever. Right. You know, instead it just like, yeah, we're supposed to think this is the movie.

But again, the entire meat cuteness kid is just in the background fighting this dog. It's like when I overwrite Heath and me doing shenanigans in the background of a dad or his kid, because it's like, well, I don't know what I'm going to do. Come on, motherfucker. Oh, God, he's got my leg. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, motherfucker, oh god, he's got my leg. Ha, ha, ha, laborer, laborer, karate, karate, karate, inviting me. So,

all right, and then we get to dad, the future president cleaning up after the funeral and getting angry at Jesus for killing his dog. Right, well, sorry, I'm sorry. First, he has to have a montage where he remembers the other scenes in the movie. That's the first one, 12 minutes in for those kissing tracks. 12 minutes in.

12 minutes in. And then he has to get angry at Jesus. Yeah. And like, let's be clear, not just like, oh God, why? He has a very specific accusation of just because religion killed your son, you don't have to kill my daughter. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, you stay as there and scream, he screams that and he screams that and then my other daughter, her leg is all fucked up or something. She's got a brace, we'd never really go into it, but still, that's bad too. Does the Cberreal effect your life that much? Sure, I've ever become relevant to the plot, but I don't like it. I don't care for it. You feckless son of a bitch. And it's still in straight from the West Wing. It's it's a shed Bartlett doing his thing and then putting a cigarette out on the floor in the middle of the church. Yeah. Okay. So I was thinking more of a special set of skills

kind of a rip off, but yeah, there was definitely there's definitely a little of both. I like that. Also right as he finishes yelling at God, there's a thunder crap. So all of a sudden, I was picturing we were going to flash cut to heaven and God being like, Oh, hold me back, fucking hold me back. I'm sure it's you to talk. Nobody tries to buy something like that. All right.

But instead, we cut to 18 years later. And I'm writing in my nose, oh, the cell phone's made, oh, I bet that was the main character in his love interest flirting at this. Okay, now I get it. So anyway, so we settle in on this firefighter. This is the kid from the funeral. This is Jake. And he's like realizing he's late for dad's big thing today.

So we have to rush off to get to that. Apparently his dad, who was the pastor at the funeral, is getting a big presidential award today. Yeah. And I don't know why, but apparently they bought like a music package for their movie because the intro music as we watch him rushing off to dad is very clearly porn music. Yeah. Oh no, I'm almost like I'm going to at a pornographic fire department.

What's going to happen now? Really disappointing. So yeah, so we meet the these guys all grown up now. This is Jake and his brother Mason. They're the sons of this country wide famous preacher, this like Billy Graham asked preacher or whatever. And the president, the guy who used to be the congressman and is now president, gives this super duper rhoded on the elevator on the way up speech about him, about how great

a beloved preacher he is. Yeah. But that's just because that's how good these writers are, not because he was supposed to have written it on the elevator. Yeah, it's also like, it's in a high school gym. So it's weird that the president is here. Like, yes, I'm here to introduce America's preacher. Sorry, that's the basketball buzzer, guys.

It's going to go off. 2026. There's a fire drill. Fuck. Okay. Also, the president needs to wrap his speech up because it's almost free period. He can hear it too. Also, question for you guys.

Did you know who the fuck this was when the president came up? Absolutely no fucking idea. Okay. We're supposed to, did I, do I have this correct? We're supposed to know that dad from before, the dad who lost his daughter to the cult is now president. And he shaved his Hitler mustache and became 18 years younger over the last 18 years. Clearly. Yes.

Yeah. Age did not at all. And to make it even more confusing, the preacher character, the father of these two of a Jake and Mason has a mustache. He's an old guy with the fucking mustache. I thought that was him. Yes. I thought that was him.

And I also all these white people are fucking identical. This people will constantly be like, here's another white person from somewhere in the middle of the country. Remember him, don't you? I'm being on a phone call with my mom being like, you remember Debbie's cousin. No, I don't. I'm being on a phone call with my mom, being like, you remember Debbie's cousin, right? No, I don't. I was daft or looking for math. No, I don't, I left.

This is why I left. Everybody looks like Ron DeSantis to me. I thought I saw him with 10 times in the movie. They really do. Yeah, and so while he's giving a speech, he's like, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my dead daughter that was killed by a cult, just in case Heath and Eli are confused about who is who after the time, jump or whatever.

And he says in his speech, he says the scripture says God helps those who help themselves. And I had a whole big thing about now that's a fucking Ben Franklin quote and he stole it from some other damn bodies, not the fucking Bible. But apparently the movie knows that they mentioned that later that he's misquoting the Bible here. Yeah. Which by the way, like, isn't a point for Christianity, right? It's not like a character goes like, you know, that's actually a weird bootstrapism that

you shouldn't apply to people in their need for help. We need to help people. They're just like, huh, spell check. Yep. In fact, incorrect. Also, and I have to mention this again, the audio file has to say something about this. The president guy keeps pounding his hand onto his podium. Oh my God.

And every time he does, the microphone goes, and nobody told him and made him do the goddamn scene again because apparently they only had the gymnasium through free periods. Funny, I know you got rid of the Hitler mustache, but you're pounding on the podium and you're doing the high. You want it? No, you're pounding on the podium. You're doing the high. You want it? No, you're keeping it. Okay. All right.

All right. So then, okay. So then we go to the fancy award reception. This is the second reception in 20 minutes of the movie. And we see the dynamic between Jake, the younger brother and Mason, the older brother, Mason stepped into his father's foot steps and is now a nationally famous pastor while Jake is just a lowly paramedic. Yeah, he's just been wandering from small town to small town, hoping to stumble into a

hallmark movie with no luck yet. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So then we have to reintroduce Beth and they do it with the whole like she covers his eyes and she's like, guess who or whatever. But when they decided to do that, they didn't take into account the height disparity between these two actors. Yeah. Also, no, I don't want to throw out a correction here in the middle of a record, but I don't

think the word she says are guests who I believe, or what she says are onc, onc, picky, which is a very different emotional experience. So yeah, if Keith covers my eyes and goes, like, oh, I'm going to assume I'm in some kind of, you know, banjo plucking. It's actually assaulting me the one time I did that. And fair, fair, because that's insane. And the actor, Jake is like, what? And then she comes in behind of it. She's like, it's insane. And the actor Jake is like, what? And then she's like, it's

me. And a pep a pig doll. And he's like, Oh, they're seen because you had a stuffed animal pig 18 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. No, I know that scene was just now, but that's in a movie. Yeah. It's 18 real years in our lives. And we have to point out that both of these actors are shockingly wouldn't, right? Like they, like they just both came from pretty intense dental procedures. They are so fucking bad.

My God. It is like community improv class that you just like quietly walk out of the back of as quickly as possible levels of bad. Okay. Post pretty intense dental procedure is such a good description of every movie we ever watch. Maybe that's an award we give out at the end of the year. There you go. There you go. The most intense dental procedure. So and then they leave together right there. Like, oh, I guess we're the love interest, right? We should go somewhere. But they have to sneak away from the secret service like it's fucking assassin's creed mission. Luckily for them, all the secret service are Melo gear solid guards from the early games because they're right. Yeah. Behind them and

the guards are like, I don't hear nothing. They might as well push a guard over and then like do a jump stop on his back and he shatters into pieces. So okay. So it's the next day we get Beth walking into her mom's office, the lotus is office and putting on her leg brace. Remember she had a leg brace from before trust us. This will eventually matter. Honey, I've told you that doesn't make any fucking sense in the movie.

And this is where I noticed that she had sort of a like poor man's Reese Witherspoon look to her. So I have a Reese Withers work for the rest of the movie. Nice. Yes. And she says to her sister. She says to her mom, she's like, I'm so sick of all the security. And I wrote my notes, dude, I'm so sick of all the security.

And I wrote my notes, dude, your sister literally got kidnapped and murdered. Maybe you turn on location services on your phone. There you go. You're the president's daughter. Yes, you live in the fucking white house. Are you just now noticing the secret service? Cause we've been in for a while. They're everywhere.

I mean, they're pretty slow. And they just walk in like straight lines and then turn around and if something's behind them, they don't notice. But they're everywhere. Yeah, right. So they have a very limited cone of vision. It's like how Melania Tribe kept trying to replace things in the White House. People kept having to explain to her that she didn't get to redecurate the White House. Yeah.

She would try to take down like famous paintings and they'd be like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh And they talk about, Jake, this is the opposite of the Bechtel test. They talk about nothing except men. Yeah. In their conversation. The Bechtel vacuum. Yeah, exactly. But Beth is like, hey, how sure are we that dad isn't the anti-Christ?

And the mom's like, hmm, that's, I guess 50, 50. Honey, does he have a European accent? Yeah, real bad. And I love, it's so waspish. I guess 50, 50. Honey, does he have a European accent? We're all laughing. And I love, it's so wasp-y, she's like, well, why don't you have a chat with your dad about his quest to kill God? Maybe it's something you could do together, huh?

Yeah. That's fun. Too little fishin', kill Yahweh. So. So then we get Jake pull it up at his dad's church. I guess everybody, the president's coming to visit his church that day. So everybody's like, abuzz with all the excitement and everything, right? And I just want to say, I love this scene so much because to anyone but us, this scene

is inscrutable nonsense. Well, awesome Christians, yeah. Right, exactly because we know that things like, why is there a secretary greeting people at the door of a church is bad because it's supposed to be peach pad and little old news before the color of good vote, right? But if you don't have the extensive

experience with say 379 Christian films, he's just walking around and she's like, yeah, can I get you anything? And he's like, no, you can't. Well, yeah, because they're changing the name of the ministry at that moment too. And we're supposed to be like, mm, that's never a good sign.

Yeah, they're changing the name ominously. Yes. And the name is now RMI something, right? Russ, I don't even have Jesus in it. Yeah. And the word international is supposed to be scary and evil to us. Yes. Again, if you aren't us after 370 fucking nine of these or I guess a Christian person,

it's like, yeah, there's maybe there's a church that has, you know, more than one country that it has places. No. Nope. That's bad, according to this movie. Yeah. So he's there to see his brother and while he's waiting, he walks into his dad's office where there's conveniently a scrapbook filled with, you know, exposition that we already know. It's yeah, you can't even get this shit right. Were they expositing to their own character and letting us watch that?

So you already know the story. Turns a page, takes out a DVD of this movie, pops it in, just seems it on the screen, starts over again. Okay, really quick. Can we talk about the board game that is on the desk, in the background of this scene? Do you mean Bible Baffle? Did you buy it?

I purchased one. Yes, Bible Baffle? Did you buy it? I purchased one Bible Baffle. I want to borrow the board game Bible Baffle. So bad. New York, platinum night, get ready for some Bible Baffle. Fuck yeah. I know we said we were gonna do other stuff. It's the game that transcends trivia. It says that in the box.

Oh, I missed it. How did I miss that? Transcendental triviality. I'm actually very impressed by the language this board game uses in its description because it's not allowed to say like you know less about your religion, right? Yeah. It's what if the stakes of a board game were eternal damnation? So it's like the Bible Baffle game is a fun way for families to test their knowledge of the Bible.

I feel I don't know if that's transcendent. That exactly trivia. Yeah, exactly. It's certainly so trivial. I'm so sorry. I know we need to do our podcast, but the customer question for this board game. It only has one and it's who killed the ball. Who killed the what? The ball. What? It's one of the guys that gets killed in Samuel and someone obviously couldn't figure

it out to the game. So they went to the Amazon customer questions. For Biblebaffle. We could say the moops literally is no guilty ball at all. Oh, God. Anyways, all right. Still a couple of tickets for, no, there aren't never mind. There are no tickets for platinum date.

There are no tickets at all. They'll tell you about it. There are no tickets anywhere. Nope. So yeah, so so then finally though, we get wrap up with a little exposition and he goes to meet with his brother in the conference room. And we have to establish that his brother Randy is a bad pastor. So his introductory like NMedia rest line is all right, let's let's ramp up these four

clothes. Exactly. It's just like that's what he says. Yeah, and then the orphans will work themselves out. Exactly. That's gonna say what? Yeah, what would you you were saying? We were just gonna practice our music number.

We're Marley and Marley. No. No. No. So yeah, but this is where Randy introduces him to his team of like, you know, cut throat church, your runners or whatever. So. And Jake like, Jake's too busy being offended by the stuff that Christians get offended by

that he misses a few, right? Like he's like buying up churches, her rump fancy chairs. And it's like, dude, I think everyone's on board with a nicer chair. Was this lemon water fuck you? Yeah, right. That's it. And fancy bullshit. This is also where we met meet my hero of the movie, Tanya.

So yes, Tanya will only have two scenes. And she will steal the goddamn shit out of those scenes because Jake is like Randy, this is not the way that it's done. You know, we should be like, you know, a small church that loves Jesus and does little pet fienders Whatever and Tanya stands up and she is not ready to take any shit from this motherfucker Not at all. Well Jake my media empire that I'm building for you will fuck you in every or if you're God and every time I love where your heart seen it love that you heard how you got insanely aggressive right now. Tony, do you remember when you pride open Jay's mouth and spit into it?

And what I'm gonna say about we just there's never a reason to pry open J's mouth and spit into it. And what I'm gonna say about, we just, there's never a reason to pry open anyone's mouth in the workplace, right? We had a whole workshop. Those teens came in to a bunch of improvs. This is really good. Oh, sorry. I thought we were a unitarian universalist. He's been dealing with math.

I thought this is America. Fuck you. She's the best. So yeah, and so this is where Randy explains to Jake, he's like, you know, this is such a big deal for us. The president is gonna create a department of religious freedom. And I wrote in my notes another one because we've had one of those since 1998. And I agree it's a terrible fucking idea.

Thank you. This is, they're trying to make this as like a fantasy in a movie. No, this is not a fantasy. We have that thing since 1998. And we have the Supreme Court doing it now too. Yeah. Yeah, really. Jesus Christ. And he's like, but Jake, and he's like, but Jake, we're going to unify religion in America. That's the bad guy's

master plan. And Jake goes, one religion, haven't you ever seen an apocalypse movie? Come on, man. Or 40. Also, I love that Jake's accidental jump in volume there. There's this fantastic moment. He's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's just for no reason. He's just like, I'm a backup. What about the message? I wrote my notes.

Did you put your name in the goblet of fire? What the fuck is happening? There's also this just to give you an idea how bad the writing is in this fucking movie. This is a line that Jake yells in a fit of anger while stabbing his finger and Durandall's chest at the end of this fucking scene. He goes, you're using words like unity and diversity to complicate and uncomplicated message. Yes, stupid.

I drive a dedicated message. Yes, stupid. I drive a Dodge Stratus. It was a lot like that. And then Randy, who's doing great, Randy's crushing it. His church is going big. They have like the media people in. It's nice. They have lemon water.

It's a really nice office. They have lemon, melon, air on chairs. It's fantastic. But he's like, oh, my brother got mad at me about my fascist unitarianism. I'm going to stew about this in my evil green shirt that they made me wear from menswear. You have four for the price of one. All right. Well, I'll tell you what that scene obviously got everybody's blood pressure up. So for the sake of our audience of safety, I think we need to take a break. Let everybody

calm down. But we're back in a minute with even more of one church. Hey podcast, listener. As you know, our very own Eli Bosnick is not great with money. What happened to all my F tickets? Whether it's his purchase of Bitcoin in November of 2021 or his advice to sell Tesla stock right before it doubled or just his personal finances. He doesn't make a lot of great choices. I understand. What do you mean that's not what an FTX is? But one smart thing that he does that you can do as well is manage his money with rocket

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Hey, guys, can I borrow whatever it's going to cost for f***ing to go to college? No. No, you cannot. Okay, I'll trade you guys for Fox tickets. Not what that stands for, man. I know. Now. You listen here, God. You took my taunt her, but I'm gonna see that you and your followers can never harm anyone ever again. I'm gonna start a church dedicated to truth and kindness

and social justice and you're not going to harm. Hey, man. Dude, oh, sorry, I didn't see you there. Are you two with the caterers? Yeah, we were just, we were not smoking pot out of an apple right here. Seriously, he's, you say something then. Somebody had to say something. So anyway, anyway, so we couldn't help but over here your little monologue. And the thing that you're looking for is atheism. Yeah, atheism.

Atheism? No, no, no, you don't, Jensen, don't understand. My daughter was sucked into a cult. No, no, no, we've heard the whole thing. It's just that the answer is not more religion. That's the opposite of the answer. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Well, this atheism would have put a stop to religious extremists. Yeah. Uh, and you could use it to focus communities on unity. Also that. Yes. And, and we could pass laws that stop the same religious extremists from hurting people. Yeah, all that stuff. Okay, well, how's that better than my thing?

Um, it's all that stuff. Plus, you can put whatever you want in a consenting adult's butt. Well, damn, sold. Nice. Nice. You, you want some drugs? So they make putting stuff up your buddies here? Sure.

The no. All right, bootstraps, man. I like that. Damn right. Bloodstraps. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff.

And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to rejoin the action with Jake showing up at his dad's house. And this is where we're going to introduce the character of dad's Mexican friend, Paulo. Yeah. Yikes. I almost went with best worst magical black friend.

So yeah, no kidding. So, but he's, he's going up to his dad's house and Paulo is sitting on the portion. He's like, oh, Jake, we haven't met. Would you like to expose it with me a little bit before you go in? And you're like, I would like to expose it with you. Okay. Are you madrid clove? The first thing they talk about is how much the dog hates Jake.

And like, Palo doesn't drop it for a second. He's like, oh, the dog doesn't like you. And he's like, yeah, I guess not. And he's like, no, seriously, like, I, he's usually pretty friendly to most people, but you, he hates you. He hates you. He's like a painful death Jake. And he's like, okay, well anyways.

And I get so very important, this is not relevant to the film. Nope, ever, ever. No, this is the actor of Paul O'Bean, like fuck this guy, whatever. I'm gonna make it very clear that the dog is beating at some point. They're gonna have to keep it. But as Jake's going and he's like, oh, by the way, you know, the president said something about, you know, God helps those who help themselves be it in the Bible.

I read the entire Bible last night, cover to cover and didn't find that anywhere. So I guess that's not in the Bible. I'm like, okay, so they know that that's not in the Bible, but they don't know how reading works. Really? You read cover to cover. You read the list of begats last night.

The check, if that sentence was in it, you didn't skip it all. Did the wisdom books and everything. Yeah. Okay, boring. So. But eventually, Jake goes in to see his dad. This is the first of the many terrible interruptions

in the film, right? He's supposed to be asking Dad if he's supposed to launch into this monologue, but he doesn't as though he's just gotten sick and fucking tired of waiting for this actor to get around to his line. Well, what's amazing is what's very clear is someone's dad was like, I ain't going to be in your movie. I ain't no homosexual like Tom Cruise. And they were like, come on, you're going to be playing this like world famous pastor. And he was like, okay. And then in their quiet voice underneath, they were like, who's become really old and needs to be fed Apple sauce. And he was like, what? And they

were like, don't worry about it. We'll see the day we see you. He wants Apple sauce in real life. He's so mad to be there. He's, he's what I dream for for every boomer is just being fed Apple sauce angrily ranting about your relationship with God. You're wishes coming true a lot, buddy. I know, right? Yeah. Boats canceled that by chance.

I was hoping. I was hoping. So and the dad gives this monologue and I had a lot of trouble figured out what the fuck it was about. Right. It seems to me that he's saying, you know, if you disagree with me religiously, you should die painfully. Yeah. Yeah. It's just I'm just a simple pastor. This newfangled diversity is obviously problem that I will. That's serious. That's this little

monologue and the movie. That's the point of the whole thing. Okay, if you want to put your own creative spin on my exact religious message, we have no issues. But if you deviate by even a micro letter, you will burn in the fires of hell forever. More applesauce, please. Thank you. Yes. Also, don't do the creative spin. I'll also kill you for that. Don't make the creative spin like a smirch, where if you know what I'm saying, you know? Sometimes. Like blacks. Pollo, wherever.

Pollo, you know what I'm saying? There's a reason he's not allowed in that. Pollo. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then, okay, so then we cut to the present. He's on his way to the church and Beth has decided to tag along this time so that they can have the dad.

You seem to be doing a lot of anti Christ stuff recently conversation, right? Yeah. And dad's like, oh, no, no, I'm not religious. I'm just using religion to unite everybody. And that's like, God, dad, religion only hurt one person at one time. Right. You need to get over it. You need to let go this tab of the based vendetta against God, damn it.

There's also this great moment where she again jumps into early on the interruption. He's just like, literally he goes, I just duh, and she goes, don't wanna what? He gotta let him get the, all the words out. Okay, so then we head back over to the pastor dad's place where we learned that he's got a non-specific fatal illness and it's getting worse. Yeah.

Right. Oh yeah, he's got the maguffinoma like you. Yeah. He's like, it's weird that God's turning you into a vegetable hothead, right? Like you and him were such good friends for so long and now he's just slowly draining the life out of you while you're aware of it. Like if Heath was turning me into a vegetable, I wouldn't say that we were friends. So, you know, that's just me. That's just me.

That was awesome. There's this great book. So and then this movie becomes a montage, but just sort of a general, like generic doing stuff montage. Like, okay, yeah. This is a montage of stuff we forgot to expose it so far. Yes, so they do a montage. And then you can see the writer's room be like, huh, does that count as a full montage?

We'll add palliative care. There we go. Yeah, that's a montage. We'll have the brother help floor close on a church and well, we're there. And then boom. And then like did we really get all the exposition in there? And he's like, you know what? We could just have exposition radio cut in in the middle of the montage and talk over

the song. Don't worry. There's this is what's happening in the montage. Also seriously, like we've joked about the applesauce, but this is what's happening in the montage also seriously like I we've joked about the applesauce but this is the scene where they feed this older actor the applesauce and he's so mad. So fucking mad about being fed the out of some trying not to eat the pill and you have to like hold his mouth closed around.

But yeah, so but that that montage ends with dad's death, right? And we cut to like, there's the, you know, we skipped the funeral, we go straight to post funeral, which means that we've now had three reception scenes in the first 40 minutes of this film. Okay, the whole movie to me at this point is just people dying and then funeral.

So that was very abused. I was like, this is great. If they could just keep killing people, funeral, killing people, funeral applesauce, love it. We're gonna, we're gonna end the second act on another one too. Yeah, yeah. They're not done. At a certain point, like, you're like, did they get some kind of punch card for renting it? Femoral homes open again. If you guys want to use it for your movie, not a lot of business, you know, mostly, mostly just Sundays. Can I get a foot long too?

That's when people die. So we're at the dad's house and everybody's showing up for the funeral reception and the, the president's there in this comically oversized lip. I feel like you would have just used a normal sized limo for that event, But no. Yeah, the stretch isn't super classy when it comes to a funeral. No, not really. Beth gets out. She starts talking to Jake and delivering her line like a 12-year-old asking is crushed to dance. Okay. She's flirting at his dad's funeral to be clear. So like, already she's like, Hey, so yeah, dad's funeral. That's that's rough. Do you do like brunch or like what's your favorite? We just of the meal. We just keep running into

each other at funerals and I never get to tell you how good you look in black. How's this where I thought it was going to be anyway? Yeah. I can get my pink doll again, does that help? Huh? So you want me to call you a pig? Put in a different way now. Wait, wait, is we're older? So yeah, he tells her he's like, you know, I've just got to get away. And she's like, no, I understand.

The writers aren't good enough to think of any specific reason for people to do things. So that is just, you're just going to say your motivation out loud. He's like, exactly that. Yeah. And then there's this great moment. We cut over to Tanya and the, and the, and the team going over all of the funeral montage from the day with no sense of proper reference at all. Yeah. They are being real Jewish about their control of the media. I wanted so bad for like high-im Goldberg to walk in. This is going great, fellas. Yeah, right. I'm the president. Okay, you're making jokes about the racism here, but they're like, at one point, they

actually, they're looking at the footage of this. And Tony is like, okay, right there, the, the, the, the, the mechs native of them. We're going to cut the not white guy, right? That's bad for them at the brand. Yeah, they say they're going to cut him because he was talking about helping the poor and stuff. And that'll just depress people, not because of the color of his skin. And then, and then one of the producer guy goes, man, one church one message. So like, even the movie's name drop is delivered like a waiter passing on a special request to a fry cook in the weeds. Yeah, yeah, sure would be bad if somebody used religious emotion and racism to sway elections.

That's a really good point the movie's making and didn't hear themselves say. So okay, so then we cut to Beth and Paulo having tea and I just I have to point this out because it's a fucking amazing moment. She says thank you. He says denata. The subtitles say thank you and then in brackets speaking foreign language. Fuck yes. Hell yeah.

And hey, Noah, will the subtitles of this movie ever translate Spanish? What of the most commonly spoken languages in the world? They will never correctly identify which language is being spoken in the anti-diversity movie. I guess that's the right move. Jesus Christ. So I got some bad news. Bad news is there is some Spanish in the maybe the good news is it's literally about fuck everyone who isn't white.

So you know, go crazy. So, but they're having this classic like two people talking past each other conversation were policy. Yeah, the village I come from is really, really poor. She's like, anyway, am I is so hard for me to get coffee these days for those. That's so difficult. Maybe you let me go first next time. Not a lot of people just listen to me, be a listener.

You know, that's really quick. Can we just note that her Starbucks order is Eli's Starbucks order? I'm sure it was a little upsetting. Yeah. Sure. Right down to the temperature of the upsetting. Yeah, sure. I love that. Right down to the temperature of the water. Yeah. And she's like, you know, I just, I just wish things made more sense or some dumb shit,

you know, like, way, the, the, what, one of the questions that Christians dream of being asked, right? And then Paulo, like loses his goddamn mind and starts singing to her off key. I have no idea. So ultimately he's trying to point out that like, oh, I could give you platitudes and stuff, but why don't I, you know, you should seek answers for yourself. That's the point he's making because like they have nothing to actually say. Right.

And to be clear, he wants her to seek answers in his book of perfect God wisdom, right? He doesn't want it. Yes, right, right. He says, everything's an opinion, and I wrote my notes except for my book, which has had several dozen revisions that we admit to. Yeah. There are no simple answers. Anyway, this book is magical,

unrelated to last year's first up, but in a complex way. That's the point of his speech here. Yeah, right. All of morality and the point of existence is in this book that you can get in any hotel room. But anyways, yeah, don't go for the speech here. Yeah, right. All of morality and the point of existence is in this book that you can get in any hotel room. But anyways, yeah, don't go for the easy ones.

Yeah, right. No, and then of course that with an undercurrent of the problem is you keep expecting religion to make sense even though it's religion. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut to the president playing pool with his evil aid, right? So that this guy could write off his pool table purchase. And again, they expected

me to know who this aid was. He was like, yes, me. I'm in the movie. I was like, Jesus, this is like when Marvel tries to tie in shit from the TV shows I didn't watch. It's one of the main movies. I'm an agent of shield. You're fucking nobody. Get off the screen. No, this is one of those 10 Rhonda Santas' for sure. Yes, two of them. Yeah, right. This is the president and Paul, the, the aid from before. And they're like, they're, they're talking about, I guess they're talking about their evil religion plans, right, about how they're going to close down all the churches that don't agree to join their one unified church. Okay. This is another one of those moments where the movie is trying to make a point as the

evil character, but the point is just so obviously good. So an actor has to do an evil voice and be like, religion causes murder and we're going to fix that. I'm an evil henchman. And then the other guy has to be like, that's right. We will end hate crimes. I'm an antagonist. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. We're going

to end hate crimes once and for all. Binger steeple. Sorry. The tone is crazy. Everything in real. I don't. Doesn't line up. Also, can we talk about their pooling, their billiard sing? Oh, yes, please, please. Really quick. I want to do one, one pool shot. Why have the pool shot? If this is what you're going to do. One guy goes six in the side and hits it in the corner pocket. Very clearly. For the corner pocket. We don't know where he could live. Do they think does the movie think that side is all the pockets

because they're on the side of the course. Yeah. So this writer has gone through his whole life playing pool and just being like in the side, in the side, in the side. Oh, it's not a side, if you think about it. In the space dimension for, yeah. All right. So then we get Jake pulling up a palace place ready to go to Mexico with him, right? He's going to go to Mexico and find himself or something or find the end of the second act,

I guess. Yeah. Bath is there. She gives him a gift that he's not allowed to open until he gets to Mexico. I would really like to talk about that gift when he opens it. Oh, yeah. I have a lot of questions. And then we cut to the president's big press conference where he's going to unify all religions. Now he's standing at this podium, he's got this just comical string of different religious leaders with different silly hats lined up behind him. Oh my God. The guy who was forced to be the rabbi is so mad. Stupid Jewish. Yum. Give me. Yeah. What if I have a heart attack? He's angry.

There's an Aztec shaman eating the heart of a child. Just like, you know, equality. This is good equality. Yep. Just rabbis. Pretty mad though. Maybe not the drama. I don't know.

So yeah. So the, the, the, the President has given this speech about all the great things that they've done with religion. There's one point where he says, we've provided gender equality and marriage. And we're all supposed to boo and hiss or whatever. Gender equality. I have to say that in an evil tone. I don't understand.

I, you made me say diversity equality unity is bad. Good. I don't understand what tone should I be using? Also, while he's making this speech, it pans out. And we see actually the guy who is even matter than his than the rabbi guy Which is incomplete turban guy. Yeah, he has like half a turban on his head and he's like Didn't even get enough everyone said they would know how to do it right watch the YouTube tutorial for like 26 minutes This is the closest I could do

And he's got a full Windsor going I don't think this is the closest I could do. And he's got a full winds are going. I don't think this is right. So, and while the president is giving this speech and I love this so God damn much, we start cutting out to this airport bar where everybody's just nodding along and agreeing with him and throwing out random lines of agreement. Right, and there are extras in this movie,

which means members of this church, so they're all like, I like it when there's all one religion. Yeah. Yeah. That's good for me too. One girl says, and I quote, our church got its driveway paved by the government. What? This is supposed to be stupid people being like diversity, quality is good.

And they're bad. Yeah. According to the news. Right. And Jake is watching it with the hotel bar like you ignorant ignorant. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Right. We cut to Paulo and Jake sitting there at the bar waiting and then they call them for their, their flight like they do at airports, right. And that's when you go to the thing. But Jake tells Paulo, he's like, yeah, you know, he's getting a lot of great press. But my dad would never have signed off on all this fulfilling of anti-Christ prophecy stuff that he's doing. Yeah, very ominous. And then we go to Mexico. We can tell because of the music that we're now in and Mexico. And of course, that's going to open up with a quick, oppressive poverty montage.

Yeah. In case you weren't clear that it was Mexico, we also see kids playing, um, put the dirt in the rusty can in the game. Yeah. Because that's what Mexico is. And they're very smuddy. No, no one in Mexico has discovered wiping your face yet. No, no, no, no, Mexico is made of dust.

Here's my question. Okay, because these people are all probably Latin American, right? Or something like that, right? There was one white guy because they needed a guitarist, right? But there, these people all appear to be from Mexico, right? When the director is like, Hey, everybody, now we're going to do the seed in Mexico. I'm going to need you to smudge it up and play with Maracas. Why is the answer to that? Not no. Because they need a few bucks, man. It's, you know, because they pay them. They pay them. They say, like, Hey, act Mexican and give them money. And they're like, no smudge here, you know, but yeah, so we come here. And of of course we have to have this, like, I guess this is an

attempt at humor. Like Paulo starts introducing Jake around and he bows because he doesn't know how Mexico works. But that's right. Like as though he was in Japan. That's obviously trying stupid. Yeah. Really?

Right. And yeah, I mean, look, everyone's sad and smudgy and they all live in this barn that their neighbor said they could use. But hey, at least they aren't everyone's sad and smudgy and they all live in this barn that their neighbor said they could use, but hey, at least they aren't worshiping the wrong version of Jesus, am I right? Yeah. And like those assholes in the airport. Right.

So yeah, so we see him, like the next day, I guess he said at Pallos Church Service, there's this great moment where everybody's singing in Spanish and he obviously doesn't know the language. And I'm like, please tell me he's trying to sing along. But he's not. Oh, I wanted so badly for it to be Jake doing like made up phonemes that seemed to him to be.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Because you see his mouth doing it for sure. We also get a montage. Another one here of Jake using a cot, the montage. Yeah. Well, wait, wait, wait, it's so weird because we get shots of the children being sad and smudgy and dirty. And then he takes the blanket off the bed and throws it away. So if I'm not mistaken, the message of that montage is, I'm not sleeping on these fucking blankets. What am I an Aztec?

I know how this works. I know. little, uh, uh, oh, Jesus. Kind of small plugs. So, so Palo and Jake leave the church. It's time for a goddamn friendship montage of the two of them walking all day and night. They go on a romantic burrito picnic. They do. I just want to say, I try to get heath to do this with me. He said, no, it's not exciting. Yeah, you know, I wanted to pick the burritos. I'm not I'm not negotiating this on air.

I'm tired of having this fight and private. Okay, but that's seriously what they do. It's like all right. It's time to do Christian and Mexico together and Apparently we start with Christian walking we watch them walk for a good deal of time. And then we watch Jake be like, hey, hello, what the fuck are we doing? Is that, are you doing like a Mr. Miyagi thing? And we're going to find out that yes, he actually is doing Mr. Miyagi thing. Yes. But first a sex thing, I'm pretty sure. Thank you.

Right. Okay. Because they show up at this like remote area in the forest and pal is like, all right, welcome to my remote. Fuck, Jack. Christian lesson play. Here's what he literally says. He literally says, I need to turn the lamps on so that when Jake walks in, it is a candle

lit room for the two of us. Yep. I wrote in my notes, now they're just going to feed each other chocolate covered strawberries like bros too. Four burritos, either way, it can be sexy, even if they're too big and squishy out, you know. Yeah. So, okay, but apparently what we're supposed to learn here is that that Paolo's place is

so poor, it doesn't even have electricity and that's how Jake's going to live simple and back to the land or whatever. This is also like so Paolo leaves and this is where he can finally open that present that he got from Beth. It's a Bible, but not just any Bible. That's right. It's a Bible in a language he doesn't speak. Yep. We want to be like, oh, Spanish fucking I shouldn't have to press one for English. I mean, it's a man. I am in Mexico. I went here on purpose without knowing any Spanish. This is badly thought out. That's what I might have to do. Fuck Paulo out here in a remote fuck shack.

I'm not sure. So. All right. So the next morning, Paulo and Jake are having breakfast and he's like, hey, so in that last scene, what was what was the president? And he's like stupid Spanish Bible. I don't even speak Spanish. And he's like stupid Spanish Bible and speak Spanish. And he's like, oh, well, I guess we're going to have to take care of that, aren't we?

And it's time for him to Mr. Miyagi him into learning Spanish. This is so tough. By translating the Bible. Yeah. So they start to wise like he's like, you're going to need to learn to speak the language. I'm like, oh, please tell me this is a learning Spanish montage and it is. Yep. But it's a him learning it because he just hands him the Bible and a bunch of paper and says translate this from Spanish to English and you'll know how to speak Spanish. What? When I start writing, will it just be in English? Yes, well, that's insane. But we see him do that. Just start writing like pages and he like he's he's just thousand plus pages. Right. He's

supposed to be writing out the entire Bible. Also, hey, you know where that's not going to be helpful? Modern day Mexico. Right. I really wanted the next scene for him to be like, I mean, look, unless you guys want to tell me who you're planning to stone to death and for how many goats, I really can't tell you any of this penicillin shit that is gonna be important. You find out. I would tell you, we see this, like he's growing up, bearded, the montage last so long.

I want to palo to come in and he's just written all work and no play makes Jake a dull boy or something over and over. Can we talk about the beard? It's pretty awesome. This actor who plays Jake, he's a good looking dude, right? But whether or not you're good looking or not, sometimes God just decides no beard on your cheeks.

And that is what they have decided for Jake. He looks like the 127 hours guy hadn't bothered sawing his arm soft and it's just something. I like it under this rock. He looks like an insurrectionist on a castaway island where there's no one in the government. Should be crying in a cage at CPAC. And of course, midway through the montage or so, he speaks Spanish now. We see him speaking Spanish.

We don't hear it. So we just see it without sound. I'm speaking Spanish to people, tell them about the Bible. There's this great moment because he's like helping people as well, but the helping people scenes are so ridiculous. Right. The first one he's trying to like, he's supposed to be like dabbing at this kid's cut, but the guy that did the cut went a little

important. It's a Halloween adventure cut. It's a giant open wound. Yeah. So he's just dabbing at it and the kids holding it out like he's gonna kiss on it and he's gonna run out and start playing. Yeah. Yeah, right. He's gonna rub some dust in it. So also, I just have to talk about this. The entire time he's doing this helping people montage, he has a toy panda crucified to the wall of his office. Oh, interesting. What is that? Naturally crucified behind him. And no one ever acknowledges it.

They very clearly were like, oh, this shitty in this barn, he would be like helping kids. So let's nail this panda to the wall. That'll make it nice and homey. Yeah, but so we get the montage. He cleans up the kids wounds. There's this great scene where he like

pushes a midwife out of the way and do it for some baby. Yeah. So we also get some really bad sockering. Yeah, he's not. He translated the Bible. So now he knows how to play soccer because of the Spanish part of soccer. Yeah, he's not. He translated the Bible. So now he knows how to play soccer because of the Spanish part of that.

Yeah, I wouldn't say he knows how to play soccer. I know he aims to kick a ball and several five year old seal it up from under soccer ball side pocket. There we go. We call that a side pocket, right? And okay. So but at the end of this montage, Palo shows up with Beth. Now apparently Beth has been his pen pal this whole time. That was part of the montage as well.

They were writing letters back and forth. And now she's come to see him and Palo's little village, right? And she's got some bad news and it's they do that like, you know, he doesn't know she has bad news. So he's just happy to see her and she's got that tower look on her face. But because this is so poorly written and acted, it goes on for way too long, right? Yeah. Also, to be clear, the president's daughter is allowed to come to Mexico without secret service to a poor village in the middle of nowhere because her friend's mom died and that's the only way to tell him.

Yeah, clearly, right letters back and forth, but this is the only way she could think to communicate this information to him. Yeah. Right. And Paulo picks you up in a van and then does an off-road commercial for the van so it's covered in mud and dust and then shows up. Everything in Mexico is covered in mud and dust. It's like this giant double-decker van for Beth and Paulo. And that's it.

Right. And clearly she's communicated somehow to Paulo to come pick her up from the airport. So he could have said, oh, and also tell Jake, her, his mom died. Yeah. Right. And then get him and put him on a plane to here where we both need to end up. I'm the president's daughter. Oh, and then there's this terrible.

So she tells him, you know, your mom's died. And both of these actors have to try to be sad now. And yet I'm the only one that sheds a genuine tear. Don't don't do it while I'm doing it. Just said, oh my fucking God. This turns into a being sad about mom. This turns into a being sad about my montage. Yep. And he's doing some of the Mexican stuff. So he's like, he's like discontently patting at the giant open wounds. Yeah.

Sad about that. Then another Mexican childstuffs to death, my mom. By the way, and for those keeping track, this is movie montage number three. So far in the film, so we've had one every 20 minutes. Yeah. Right. Right. Because he's remembering the three scenes of the movie that his mom was in the middle of this as well. Yeah. So he also, he shapes his beard in this montage without using water. Okay. He's got a giant castaway beard at this point. And then we watch him go into a bathroom, look in the mirror and just smush shaving cream

all over this giant beard. Like his forehead and his... Yeah, not like scissors first and then a buzzer and then you shave like a human being. No, he just, what's his shaving career? I was dying to see how this would go with, okay. And now, yeah, go right, go to town with a razor blade right now.

I would love to watch this. I just wanted him to come in like in the next scene. It just his face is torn to pieces like he's just, we got toilet paper, dots everywhere. Yeah, exactly. Did you guys know you're supposed to use clippers before you? You are. So yeah, but oh, and then at the end of the montage too,

we get mom's funeral, but her funeral is in the weird, new coexistion religion or whatever. I just laughed at another funeral. Yeah, that's all they have. There's movies. The girls from Shitty Montages. So okay. So then we cut to Paulo Bringen Beth coffee again this time in Mexico is the the following

morning. Jake shows up all shaved and no, he doesn't have the cuts and scrapes all over his face and shed. No. In fact, he shows up shaved with day old stubble, which is really impressive. Hell of a shave. Right. So yeah, and also, by the way, Beth clearly loved his beard because he says, so what do

you think? And her answer is, it doesn't matter. Woof. I get a lot of it doesn't matter here in the Boston Council. Do you know how long it took to recover from this? It was just so much, so much blood. Really raw. So, but yeah, so Paul goes to get the band. They have this conversation where she's like, you know, I was sure by now we would be love interests and really,

honestly, other than the oink oink moment, there's been no sexual tension whatsoever. And, you want to ramp that up? Maybe. Yeah. And Jake's like, fine, fine. I'll tilt my face towards yours. But we better get interrupted before we kiss. I'm still holding up for that whole month movie. Hey, I've been standing here the whole time. Stop it. Palace right there to block as soon as they start to almost make out. It's pretty fun. I love that stupid trope because like in real life, then you would be like, Oh, thank you,

Paulo. And then kiss her, right? But in the not in the movie, it's like, Oh, we missed the kiss. Now we'll have to wait until another romantic moment. Damn it. It's going to be like four more seasons before they write us together now. Fuck. I really wanted to cut to a drive where Pal is like, so did you guys share where Rino is all romantic in the desert? Oh, he didn't even take him to a lantern lit love shack. No, Beth, you're handicapped, right? Like that's genetic, isn't it?

The did capacity. Oh, damn. She won a kid with like a weird little flip or foot. I mean, some people are into it, I guess. Some people don't mind. Yeah, my kids can be born with a leg brace. That's a good point. Yeah.

So, but yeah, so, but Paul was like, never forget Mexico, Jake. It was basically the whole second act. And that's it, right? So I guess, yeah, Jake is heading back to the States and I'd say that makes it a perfect time for us to take a break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will anything that happened in Mexico be relevant to the rest of the film? Will we ever hear Jake even attempt to speak Spanish? Was the entire second act of this movie just it's saying yada yada yada? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the underwhelming conclusion of one church. One, one. I translated the Bible just like you told me to. Excellent, Miyamego. There is no better way to learn Spanish than the words of the Lord.

Tell me about it. And your timing is perfect. I was just going to do some Bible readings to Louisa here. Ola, perfect indeed. Why don't you just redo us, Mie? Absolutely. Hello, my name is God. First there were only black people.

Good morning, I said, on the light bulb. Say, senior Chris, how much Spanish did you actually learn before coming here? Oh, I had like a year in high school. Oh, right. Seems like less. Hey, you know, maybe. Let me go.

My name is Earth. My name is the water. My name is, I guess, Lumiere from the beauty and the beast cartoon. You know what Latin roots can be confusing. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Where is the library of rape? Come on, seriously. No, actually that, that part is in the Bible. He got that right. Oh, right, right. That's fair. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action in America at a church that isn't teaching government-approved co-existi-anity, right?

Yeah. And the evil government's here to enforce fascist inclusivity with a dedicated department member. Okay. They want us to go with a, how dare they have a message of love, honor and compassion for this scene. Yeah, so basically, so we get this preacher and he's like Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, and now we're going to turn over a video to evil brother Randy, who's shown in all the churches in the world every Sunday. Right. And again, he's supposed to be doing an evil speech here, but his evil

is milk toasted is him. So he's just like, I think everyone is great. Yes. It's like a big brother telecast, but he's like two plus two is actually four. So we're, we're just all agreeing. Right. The evil religion teaches self-reliance and that you're good enough on your own. One of the lines and they're like evil religion. Credo is my inner most is always happy. Yes. Right. It's supposed to be all evil and like the movie forgot to do that for a while.

So he's just saying very reasonable things. And then finally the movie's like, no, okay, we have to make him have them chant like the evil cult at the beginning to make it look like it's evil like that. Right, but they're still chanting. And they start doing the chant. Yeah, they're still chanting about being happy and finding the good and life. Yeah, right. Yeah, even the chant doesn't help their point. I thought when they started doing the chant that I was like, oh, he's, is he going to make them drink poison right now? Okay. Now this that would be clever I like yeah, if you all reach under your seats go ahead and drink

Far too plot relevant for this movie clearly But so this ends and of course while this is going on we see the evil government guy coming We know he's evil because he's bald right shaved head equals evil. Yeah, no, it's a lot of bigotry Yeah, it's this part especially he's people are persecuted. Shaved head equals evil. Yeah. No, it's a lot of bigotry. Yeah. It makes this part especially. He's people are persecuted. If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times. It struggles real. So yeah. So he comes in and he watches from the back and he's got this disapproving look on his face. Later on, everybody's filing out of the church and he says, Pastor, if I could have a evil ominous word with you for a moment, and he's like, Oh, yeah,, you know, absolutely. Yeah. And I think this conversation that they have here, I think that's what Republicans think

critical race theory is. This is what they picture. Yeah, he's like, he's like, there's been a complaint that you have been using unapproved hymns at your church service. Yeah. They have an approved playlist and curriculum from the freedom of religion department. Yes, that he represents. Yeah. Right. And again, this whole evil monologue, this whole thing about like, if I go to McDonald's, I want a hamburger there to taste exactly like it does here. And the preacher's like, but I want to teach the Jesus I love. And I just want to point out, it's been like zero years since Christians stopped murdering

people for doing like slightly different versions of the Bible. Yes. So for them to be like, oh man, the secularists are coming with their demands to conformity. Yeah. No shit. Yeah, he's getting caught by this evil bald government guy. And I wanted the guy to like test him and be like, okay, now sing the Unitarian anthem along with me and watch the pastor fake it. Just be like, all right. Is this is.

It is. It's not just slightly behind you. I'm slightly behind you. Like sugarfoot from rest. So, okay. So then we cut to Beth and Jake. They're arriving in his mom's old house. There's a bunch of no trespassing signs because of evil, I guess, or whatever. Yeah. There's, there's a chain in front of the parking lot and he's like, fascist takeover. This is probably a fascist takeover. Yeah. Yeah. We go over the chain. We've had chains.

The whole, I feel like my name is all in lowercase letters on my drivers license. Don't worry. I don't know for this chain. And luckily, mom has laid them out a plot of the movie newspapers collection. Yes. So for those of you keeping track, this is now the second plot of the movie newspapers collection. Yes. Well, but now before we can get to it, though, we have this bizarre fucking moment where We're at like the movie almost said, I'll be damned if we're gonna have another series of flashbacks now because the guy shows up at the house to arrest them for trespassing, right? They're at his mom's old house,

and this security guard comes and says, you're under arrest for trespassing, and then we get a quick scene of Randy getting called by the security guard and him is going, another nice to my brother, it's fine, let him go. And then we get a reboot on the last, on the last fucking scene where they're like, okay, now can we have the scrapbooking go over the scrapbook thing?

Okay, does that make any sense though, that mom would have like a yarn and pushpins area to track this conspiracy made of newspapers? Like that's because baths there too. And like, she might as well be like, hey, this is all, it's on the internet. To like, this is our news, you're looking at this paper newspaper. This is actually the plot of the movie we've been experiencing. None of this madness.

Also, I've told you this stuff. Yes. Right? That's the other thing is Beth has been explaining this to him the whole fucking time. Do you think those are secret newspapers? Do you? those are secret newspapers? Do you hear that? That's crazy. As they're looking at over, Jacob's, this doesn't make any sense.

And I wrote my notes this movie slash someone describing this movie. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, he's like, wait a minute, this, according to this paper, there are special camps for people who disagree with Randy's religion. And Beth is like, have you not been listening to any of the exposites? This movie's been all exposition. And you haven't let you haven't caught on with anyone.

So then she decides to tell us what's going on over top of a remember what happened in the movie. You're now we're now at one every 19 minutes. We are. That's literally true. That was four. Yes. Exactly.

If you're counting all montages, not just remembering montages at this point, we were at a montage every nine minutes of the film. It's it's fucking crazy. Yeah. So she so Beth starts telling them the story about how you know, they turned all the religions the same and and they gave all the churches a bunch of money to open homeless shelters and boo boo. First they gave all the churches a bunch of money to open homeless shelters and First they came for the nuts

Then they set up this great social safety net and rooted out bigotry in general and then I'm done. She's actually done I am trying to say something else and as nothing. Well, here's what she says. She says, and then the gates of hell opened. Yeah. Okay. Yes. After a while, she's like, Oh, wait, oh, I forgot. The gates of hell also opened at the end of her stupid speech. Right. Now, to be clear, she means that metaphorically, but metaphorically for what? What is it a matter for? Because she just goes, you know, they gave the churches a bunch of money to open more homeless shelters,

and then the gates of hell opens. Like, what the, do you mean homeless? People got help shelter? And Satan was like, muah! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, the movie forgot for there to be a negative consequence. So, okay.

So the next morning, Randy and his anti-Christ entourage show up at mom's house to meet with Jake and Beth. It's apparently it's supposed to have been like three or four years. You can't tell because nobody ever gets older in this movie. They just died. But he's he has to meet his new nieces and nephews that that because this wife is apparently a baby factory. And then they finally settled down the two of them settled down and jakes like so, you know, how's the, uh, it's the plot going. Herger's are of religion. That's cool, right? Mm-hmm. But then he reveals

that they've figured out his plan. Yeah, he says like, yeah, I know you know, I've spent the whole night reading up on you. I'm pretty sure you're the antagonist man. One could say that I did my own research and I think it all agree. That's the best way to learn things. You're the antichrist. Yeah, and of course, Randy, the evil Randy is like, hey man, you know, we've done something that got to did away with all religious bigotry and all those hate crimes and all these hate speeches. And

Jake is like, how dare you. That's not how we were raised. Yeah. At one point, he literally says, sure, it seems good. And then in first, but people are still gay. Yeah. Right. That's exactly it. Hey, can we switch tones? Because it's crazy. You said, you, will you sit in this chair and I'll be the good guy, you know, other movie? I think I'm the good guy, man. Yeah. Are we doing a sliding doors thing where I'm going to release my movie, you're going to

release yours. One. See which one everyone likes better. There's an amazing moment here too. Jake goes, you know, Randy, you should know that there is a God and you're not him. And I just I pictured the fucking screenwriter sitting back afterwards, lightness, cigar, trying to reckon with his own awesomeness after he wrote that. High five and himself and missing.

Yeah. When he said that, I wrote in my notes, you know, my real God, my real God, but I mean, all the ice cream and the all the homophobic that I want. Yeah, so right, Randy drives off in a half, right? He's like, I can't, this is just fucking seen as stupid. I'm done. And he leaves. They've been there for a minute and a half.

But then and and Jake's like, damn it, I'm going back to Mexico. This scene sucks. And Beth is like, no, no, we don't have any more money in the travel budget. You have to stay here and fix Christianity. She gives him the, I almost went with best worst compliment because she tells Jake, you have the second most passion I've ever. Yes. Yes. And he is very excited to be the second best accord. So he gets reinvigorated. And he's like, all be the second best accordion. So he gets reinvigorated and he's like, all right, you know what?

Get me to the pulpit. And that's his tagline for the rest of the movie. Yeah. But that's don't like, I wanted him to just go to a pulpit right now and be like, oh, there's no way here. Oh, it's no one's. That's how it all. And everyone disagrees with me.

Even if there were people here, this would matter none at all. Damn it. Jews exist. Is this thing on the Heathen write story? And everyone disagrees with me, even if there were people here, this would matter none at all. Damn it. Jews exist. Is this thing on the Heathen write story? So then we cut, so Beth is blindfolded Jake and she's driving him to a surprise. And of course, because this movie is so fucking stupid, his and media rest line here is, you know, I can't see anything out of this.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm new theory. X new theory. Jake has severe brain damage and the movie doesn't know it. Oh, okay. Possibly also Beth,

because there's no reason for the blind. No. No. So because it's because they're going to a secret underground Christianity factory. He's they are. What was going to happen? Like, how does the big reveal accomplish anything?

Was he going to walk into the beginning, like the lobby of a secret Bible factory and be like, is this a secret Bible factory and then like ruin it and run outside all scared? Well, that's that. So they're they've gone here awfully quickly, but it's supposed to be like a secret hideout. Nobody can know exactly where it is, right? That's why she's a blind fool. Now he's part of the resistance. I feel like he's just going to be really disappointed when he she takes off that blindfold and isn't naked, but that's I think where they were going. Oh, okay. Oh, you're still wearing the brace. Okay. So, she's, Pallow was right about you.

So they show up at the secret Bible factory, and this is where we're going to meet Beth's scrappy crew of underground Christians that they were pretty sure they were going to build a sequel around. Yep. Okay. This is the hardest I left in the movie. The character Rachel, this girl was like, Hey, I do an English accent. And they were like, Is it good? Like people think you're from England. She was like,

you tell me, Gabna. And they were like, wow, fucking flawless. So she says, hi. And Jake goes, where are you from? She says England. Just in general England. I left for a wild. A fucking wild. There was a great like Christian nationalism moment where she's like, yes, in this movie, Christianity is illegal, but it's way more illegal in England. It's still way better in America than it is in Europe,

though, at least. Yeah, that's her purpose in the fucking movie. But then Jake explains that he wants them to, he wants to help them fix Jesus. Right. Right. He looks up and they've got like push pins of, I don't even fucking know, but red and blue push pins all over a map that he's transfixed by.

I think that was their churches or their target churches or whatever. Mm-hmm. Seems like they wouldn't be just perfectly evenly spread out across the United States. It's fine. Whatever. Jake's like, yeah, I want to help with this evenly spread out myth. That doesn't make any sense.

But I do want to help. And they're like, cool with what though? We don't know what we're doing. We're making rivals. I don't know. These boxes here. We have like 200. He also, he tries for this emotional scene. It does not go well.

There's, he literally almost chokes when he tries to cry. Right? This actor almost chokes to death on his attempt to act. He's so bad at acting. He has become a danger to himself and others. I can't act out of this paper bag. I'm gonna get in the game. And gentlemen, will you correct me from wrong?

Really, I want you to correct me from wrong, but is the point of this monologue hate speech, smate, smiche? Yes. Yes, yes, it is. He gives this whole monologue about how I saw this unity coming and I didn't do anything about it. Yeah, he's describing the pathos terms of service like there's a problem.

Okay, seriously one of the lines was, if you speak hate about people in other religions, get this. They call it fucking hate speech. Yeah, they call that hate and that's our crime. Did you believe that? A crime. Yeah, they tell them about all the past

to reeducation camps. And I'm like, well, if you teach them to type, at least they could get a useful trade out. I don't know, no, no, no, no, no, no, all the way against that. And then at the end, he's like, look, I get it. But the real original meaning of church was to be called out.

And no, it wasn't, by the way, that's a stupid thing, preacher say all the time, but no, it wasn't. And then he goes, so call me out. And I wanted so badly for just everyone involved to roast him. Rachel throws her hand up. Oh, your haircut makes it look like you were molested. Scout can't, but you liked it. And we're just going around the circle.

Also, we were just talking about hate speech. So I'm calling you out as a bigot. I don't understand why you said that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But the evil messages that everybody is good, even the gaze and he's ready to fix that problem with the world. And so this inevitably devolves into a him getting ready to spread real Christianity. It's not montage. It's another. It's another. The montages are growing faster to they're about to give birth to a montage. I know this is the montages are getting closer

and closer together. They were breached in Hicks montages. Now they're the real montages. The montage makes it to the first trimester than you have. No, so he does the, all right, get me to the pulpit thing again. And yeah, we get we get a montage of not yet getting to the pulpit. It's just him like sort of prepping and then out of nowhere enormous jacked porn star just walks through the middle of the frame

for no reason. Just the most beautiful handsome man. Just and look, this is a Christian movie. The background extras looked like the word potato was brought to life by a Disney character, except for this fucking model who's just like, nope, I am in the background too. He has these water melon by, and he walks by in slow motion carrying a large box so that he could really show off his guns and like, I mean, yeah, I like what I said. I'm like, yeah, I'm off. No one acknowledges him. No. Why are you carrying a beach ball through the frame right?

I don't understand. What is that guy doing? Are you doing clap pushups on top of me? So yeah, so we meet him. Well, don't we don't meet him. He doesn't have to spoke the line. Yeah, yeah, he says no words. I thought I was starting to go into like a gay

Fugus date because of how boring this Right that they were just gonna step through the screen like the girl from the ring and give me a hando Okay, and then yeah, that's fine. I feel like you could just rip it off if you wanted to the right Oh absolutely, but he would know he's probably surprisingly gentle unless you asked him to. He seems like a nice guy. He seems like a good personality. I'm just saying, you know what? I looked him up on IMDB.

I'll shoot him an email and see if he wants to go on a date and the seven senses with us. Cause he did the other guy didn't. Yeah, there you go. All right. So but this montage ends with Jake going out to preach to a packed church, right? And he says, I'd like all you to start

by opening your Bibles to the book of Matthew and everybody in the crowd is like, MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Jewish binder. He throws it on the ground. Yes he does. Keep in mind what fucking level of crazy you have to be to be like and then the protagonist throws another person's religious text on the ground. That's a fun goof on their beliefs. We are the scathing atheists and we don't throw people. I mean, now I want to. I've got a lot of not be. You don't want to be occurring to me. Right. You don't want to let him get ahead of you. Oh, Bible egg drop. Nice. Well, you know what? We'll talk about it as an off air. Off air. Oh, you did. I could be the way we ring in the new year. Sure.

Yeah, with a caron. Yeah. So, but. But everybody's like, we don't have Bibles. We don't use Bibles anymore. What are you fucking talking about? Where are you from three years ago? Come on. This is the same thing with the program. And he's like, that's okay. I brought enough Bibles for everyone.

You get a Bible. Yeah. You get a Bible. We're actually going to get a fucking reaching under your pew scene here apparently. It's actually better than that. We don't get the reaching under your pew scene here apparently. It's actually better than that. We don't get the reaching under the scene because these cheap fuckers who made this movie didn't have Bibles for all their extras.

You're right, they didn't. And they were in a church. They had a Bible factory scene moments ago. Yep, they didn't have it of Bibles. Yeah. Who didn't get their hands on 26 Bibles. No. And also we see that Randy's wife, the evil brother preacher's wife, is watching this

on TV. Apparently this made that him giving out Bibles made the news. Mm hmm. So this turns into a you guessed it. Jake preaching the real gospel montage. Yeah, it has been four minutes since the last montage people. We are reaching montageception. At this point, the montages are going to be within other montage.

And this is a montage of him saying, you know, clever Bible stuff during sermons theoretically, but they couldn't actually write that because that doesn't really exist. Or I guess maybe they did write it, but because of the plot of this fucking movie, it would have to be mostly slur words for Jewish people. Yeah. Produces were like, we have to draw the line somewhere. Yeah, right, right. No, it's literally a montage of him in notably talking in front of different stained glass. And so this montage ends with the gang getting back to their

hideout and talking about like trying to explain the blindfolded thing in case you were confused going like, did we double back? Did we use all the decoy vans? Okay. Nobody could trace us back here. We're all in the same good shape. Yep. We're all equal shapes here in this little crime game. There's no one.

And then I want to talk about the Tommy Flanagan moment because very clearly someone gave enough to the Kickstarter or with someone's son. And he was like, I want to be the cop who bursts in and says, get on the ground. Unfortunately, he was only given one tank and the performance he gives us is, get on the ground! And they fucking kept it.

What I love about this scene is it has a very, oh shit, guys, we forgot to film the part where he gets arrested, feels, right? He just, they get to the, you know, they're like, all right, well, nobody will ever find us. Let's all go to bed. And then we see Tommy Flanagan come in and then from then on, he's in prison, right? Yeah.

So we cut to the prison where we're going, where we're going to get a being in prison montage. There's going to be a montage. Yeah. Yeah. Another montage, slow mo jail montage, one minute and 45 seconds. Yep. Since the last month. Yes. One, two, three, four, yeah. Okay. But seriously, if, if, what actually is happening in this movie universe was really, really happening, we would watch him like in slow mo walk through jail, walk out into the yard and then get like high fives from all the neo Nazis because

he's on that team. Right. Yep. Yep. Sure the fuck is. And there's just one thing that I have to talk about. It's such a tiny detail, but this jail outfit they put him in is just sparkling and crisp and moodly ironed. It might as well be custom fit with like a fucking, you know, little matching hanker shift. Is that a waste? Yeah, it's almost custom. Yeah.

So yeah, but I'm late enough in the show, right? We've already. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't listen to you. I got to fucking Kim Kardashian. I watched it. Patrons. I apologize. You don't get this joke. We're referring to an ad that we did earlier with some

Yeah. Listen to the end. This where I do our best parasocial content. Yeah. So yeah. So but Paulo comes to visit Jake and Jail at the end of the montage. And he's like, Hey, man, this is, this is really it's devastating for the plot of the movie. We got to get you out of here. He's like, no, man, I'm spreading so much Jesus in this jail. And it's like, didn't the movie say that you go to a special prison that's just for pastors who are preaching real Jesus when this happens?

He's like, yeah, it's it, it's it, it's it, it's it, it's it. Yeah. I also like that he's like, hey, how's the village? And Apollo's like, youhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, just on the music you would assume that he is going to steal their Jesus. Yeah, it's Ocean's love and music for sure. And Pello, like he walks out of one of their offices and puts on sunglasses and he's all smug and he walks past them smiling. What happened there?

He's the inside man at the evil nice church that's not bigoted. I guess what was supposed to be going on here is he just told Randy that Randy's brother got arrested for all his evil anti-religious freedom laws or whatever. Right. But yeah, it certainly plays like more than that happened. Like you just hatched a fucking plan or something. But no, it's just that.

So Randy calls his team in, his media team, and he's like, hey, you got to get my brother out of prison. And Tonya's like, well, I don't know if we can do that because he starts yelling at Tonya. And I'm like, why is everybody always yelling at Tonya? Weeped on you all out. Tonya is awesome. I really wanted the rest of the movie to be just an HR meeting with Tanya just being like and in future when I when I am frustrated, I'll write you an email and just talk about your pain points and tension points in those secrets. Yeah, but so we get that then we cut to Beth. She's having dinner with her parents and I love so much that they tried to make this like lovely suburban home into the White House's Tyvo White House. Yep.

Hey, um, if I'm taking the scene a little seriously, can either of you guys think of something that I don't know, maybe an extra could do to entirely distract me from anything that is said in it? Hmm. Why don't, how would he brings in a plastic picture from fucking pizza hut and starts dumping iced tea loudly into everybody's glass? No matter how hard she is told, stop.

And she's like, no, we actually don't need any jizzies. He's like, I'm doing my fucking job, doing the juice. I'm doing the juice. I wrote my notes, Keith the waiter. That at one point is like, I actually don't want j choose. He's like, you're a fucking cripple. Don't you jump to me. You're getting extra. You know what? I'm taking your class and you're getting the picture. There you go.

Pallow was right about you. Okay. I was thinking of I was thinking of enormous porn guy just walking in naked and pouring juice. Actually, okay. Yeah, that was sad. That would have derailed. Yeah. It had juices a factor. Yeah. Yeah.

So it gets a nice hedge. Yeah. So so but they're having this like awkward dinner where nobody's talking anybody and finally The first lady turns to her husband and she's like what's your problem with Jesus in the first place? And he's like, oh my god. Are we just gonna talk about the plot again? Such a lack of creativity on the part of the writers right? Oh When Beth says it's not a religion, it's a relationship. I boot out loud and Anna was sitting next to me playing video games and jumped and I was like, sorry, someone said religion, not a relationship. She was like, oh, okay. No, I get it.

I get it. Yeah, no, and that is by the way, the big term, like, here's the president's heart grew three sizes that day, right? That's the moment when she says, you know, it's not about a religion, it's about a relationship when it all starts to click for you. Whatever, he should be like, okay, well, I'm just not that into Jesus' time or anything.

So just, he goes quit pounding daughter and she's like, I'm not pounding, I'm not a good enough actor for that. I was praying for you The script assures me you're pouting. Yeah, right, right and the mom's like why don't we go watch a movie? We have a movie theater right in the residence here at the White House Which we're in don't pay any attention to the polystyrene crown molding god damn it. It's the White House We should walk through the ovular office area and then through the theater that we have because that's where we are is the white house.

I also have a private gym with super cool weights and I hang out all the time with the rock dwayne Johnson. Stop mom. Stop making up stuff. All right. So, but now Jake gets out of jail because, you know, he knows people and he goes back to Christianity HQ to meet with everybody. Now, this is the anti-pennultimate scene of the fucking movie and it starts with all of

them just sort of sitting around and one of them going, so what now? I think always the exciting movie. You mean in the movie? Yeah, I mean in the movie. Leave it or not, Chris, another fucking montage. Let me split it for you. Actually, it is too. Yeah, because they're like, well, you know, as a condition, if you're released, you're not allowed to go to a church anymore.

And he's like, you know, Jesus didn't have a church. Peter didn't have a church. We don't need no stinking church. And then we go to a goddamn montage of them setting up for their tent revival. So my God, the fucking hero turn of this movie in montage form, of course, is be more like Greg Locke. Watching them getting barred from Dunkin' Donuts screaming outside the door. Yes, yeah, but they're going to win this movie apparently with a goddamn airbud level technicality that you guys said building not tent. Yeah, you can do Christianity

with this one simple trick. It's a shitty tent that doesn't count as a church technically. And so they're all getting ready for this giant porn star muscular guy is there. And he's like, you guys want me to do security? And they're like, no, I'm sure we can just that police can handle the cars coming. I don't think we're going to need security. He's like, all right, you want me to just stand in the back and flex and I'm like, oh, yeah. Can you do finger pushups? I bet you can.

So okay. So meanwhile, the president's aide Paul is meeting with the FBI director about all these troublesome tent revivals they're having in the town of America. Right. And the president's like, I want you, James, going to stop all the Christianity in the Carolinas that's going to happen tonight. Yes. And he's like, sorry, do you want to just say what you said again so you can hear it? I'm gonna write it down this time. Did you have like a name for the play you ran

on Martin Luther King, Jr.? No, I don't think she says that. Just a map and a map, you know what I'm saying? Co, in the map, wow. Well, I should say, because Paul is like, you know, we wouldn't want something that happened like that happened to the president's daughter at that evil cult where they all killed themselves, would we wink?

And it's like, man, you got to be way less ambiguous in your evil messaging, Paul. Right. The FBI guy is like, I'm sorry, you want me to a stage of mess, Suez? That's really, can we just arrest them? So, yeah, so we get that scene. Then we cut over to Jake preaching at his tent. The audience, the extras blessed their little hearts. They're trying to pretend to be wrapped by his speech. This act, not only is the line boring, because it's preacher line, but this actor is so bad. He can't,

you know, he wouldn't know what a good or it or sounded like if he heard one, right? He let alone fucking pretending to be one. So they're trying, but they are falling a fucking sleep in their chairs. Okay. It goes from like morning to evening in this scene. We see that happen. And like, I think they actually did that in real life to these extras because they look at their faces. They must be shouting out like, oh my God, this is so boring. And then it had to be cut for sure. Yeah. Yeah. There was a three hour pause before you did the rest of that sentence. Are you doing a montage or something? So yeah, so but now it's it's late at night. He's still just preaching away. And Jake says from the pulpit, we don't need government handouts and then out of the darkness Randy shows up and he goes, yes, we do.

And they then proceed to have the fight that they've had two other times in this movie in front of the entire church. Yes, I'm writing in my nose, pre-heat-off, pre-heat-off, but no fucking like he just in front of a bunch of people who are all holding up their phones and recording it. Randy starts going on about, I don't care about the little people. I'm evil. I finger-steeple in the shower, you know, or whatever.

And to the point where his handlers start showing up and they're like, dude, we need to drag you physically, bodily off of the out of the thing. But, but apparently that was pretty hard on Jake because Jake has collapsed to the ground. Yes, from how hard did it? So we watch him do a rocky five. I didn't hear no bell. Fucking Burgess Meredith. Get up, you bomb. You got to preach them off. I'm gonna go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go to deliver his home run, knock it out of the park ending and it's just doc trying on new one. It's nothing. He literally is like, right, and the music is swinging, but no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

he's like, my brother's a stupid poopy face. His last monologue is so bad that everyone's supposed to rush forward for an alter call. That's the finale of the movie. And you watch the extras be like, oh, that was it. Okay. That was it. That was it. That was the end. I know. I didn't even know. Okay. You know how Rocky didn't give a weepy speech to Tommy down after getting up in the alley in that fight scene. A very weepy. I don't have the spoons for this speech. Yes. Yes. And that's it.

And that's all. That's the end of the fucking movie, like so many movies that we've watched in the past, no doubt meant to be part one of a series about the apocalypse and destined to never have a sequel. Mm-hmm. Did they think they want like, did the movie think that the good guys according to the movie won the movie based on that? I don't know the weepy speech ending well, we do know that they think weepy speeches win debates So maybe they win whole movies, right? I don't know. Okay. I did enjoy that the music people decided to not

Call the winner of the movie the music people decided to not call the winner of the movie. The music was kind of like, hedging its bets on whether this is winning. It was just like, doom, doom, see, I'm a little, see what happens to

the music, call it. All right. Well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of one church, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to march back into this fire next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, you, Heath and I will be taking the week off

for American Thanksgiving, or as it's known in the rest of the world, genocide celebration day. So we'll be taking a trip back to a simpler time, a better time. I'm talking of course about our live show from QED. That's two. Oh, fuck yeah. I've been looking forward to everybody getting a chance to hear that one. So with that to look forward to, we're going

to bring episode 379 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode of nation at patreon.com.com. So I got off on there by your own way, access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help a ton by a link of five star review on by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our civilly shows, this is getting a deacitation day at D&D minus and this kept incredible wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email me at www.lwevecitch email.com. Legal

services for this podcast are provided by the law, if this is a P.A. Dratores, Tim Robertson takes her off a social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Riteslip, McVivill, Dress on Mars, all the other musicals written and performed by our audio engineer Martin Clark and wash used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathrowright, B.L.I. Boston, Agam, Nolusians, Promise to Work Harder and another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the breakfast club glows.

The president of the United States went on to make Mexico pay for that wall of separation of church and state. Tanya went on to start her own global anti-church with blackjack and hookers. Whatever happened to that Adam guy? Right? For that village in Mexico? Feel like that all had to come back, right?

No? Yes, not. They were setting up for the seat. See? Adam will be in the Jupyfield plant and a trilletue. What happened to Big Handjob Black? Oh, we know what happened to big hand job guy. What the fuck is almost custom? I did some of my favorite bullshit of all time. When I hit paste on that, I was like, oh, God, to have the money to make the entire ad about just an almost custom suit storm.

Yeah, what the fuck is that mean? Like you call up Raycon and you like list a bunch of custom specs, but at the last second, they hang up on you and that's it. And then you just get the right one. Almost. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2022. All rights reserved. The proceeding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2022, all rights reserved.