God Awful Movies - 381: Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal, the story of a writer asked to write a sequel to an airplane movie and having zero ideas that made sense. --- Come see God Awful Movies live in Seattle! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-seattle-tickets-477540836497 If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self.

Yeah, the villain monologue is stupendously boring. It's satanic without being too satanic for TV. It's scary without being too scary for TV, and it's vague because the thing he wants hasn't been revealed in the plot yet. So he's just like, I want to do the hoki-p, and turn myself around and turn my- Let me finish. So do that. Duh.

It's like an actor's in a fight with a producer, and he's doing like an angry table read of a bad guy's speech, but that's what we watch. Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, D movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

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movie. movie. movie then write heath. Welcome back. Thanks, Noah. COVID is better than this movie. Having cool. Yeah. Yeah. And yes, by the way, listeners, we offered to let him have the day off. He refused because he loves you and this movie too much and sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I actually got a little bit of a baby cold going. So I'm going to take this one off the fuck up. It's been cold out. I got the snuffles. You know when you just like, um, feel icky? Yeah. I do. So tell us, Ethan, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched turbulence three heavy metal. So, you know, I didn't see the first two, but I did what I could. It's the story of the first two. I was like, I'm gonna be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first one to be the first to be, I didn't see the first two, but I did what I could. It's the story of Satan hiring a really bad SEO team to get more web traffic. It is. I think that's the story. Yeah. You're right. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved Air Force One, but you wish it starred your grandma's idea of Marilyn Manson, you will love this movie. It's a die hard core.

Hard rock. Yeah, there you go, there you go. Yeah, yeah, so like, yeah, exactly. If you're not all caught up on the early entries into the turbulence verse, don't worry. It's apparently it's a vignette style of film. I don't know, but it doesn't fucking matter. Did the first one come out in theaters at least?

This was TV, right? This was made for TV. Yes. Wow. The first one was the theater one. I think they had real actors in it. There's a couple of real actors in this one too. Yeah.

Yeah. If you aren't caught up on this movie, it doesn't matter, right? It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through.

It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through.

It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. It was right through. up with this film. Now your computer and you have a virus. So I think you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at. Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst hostage negotiation. So the movie, the movie does a hostage thing. And the movie forgot that the bad guy would need to, you know, have demands. And instead of like realizing that and then

writing it in for that scene, we watched the bad guy try to improvise and answer just being like, what do I want? And then they just move on and they never address it. And there's no negotiation mattering. There's like three scenes of that. Yeah, right. We go back to that over and over again in the movie. It's bizarre. Yeah. If this movie was a comedy and the guy who was the negotiator, like, has to work off the manual for hostage negotiation and we're intercutting him like frantically flipping through pages.

These sequences make sense. Otherwise, they're fucking insane. Yeah. Well, that's the thing too. It's not just the guy, it's not just a terrorist who's terrible at this shit. Yeah. So, okay, I'm going to go with best worst computer screens. Oh, all right. So I feel like 2001, which is when this movie came out, real high water mark of vaguely aware of what computer screens look like but not aware enough for it to stop being silly Yeah, right cuz like before that you just had so very silly right you just had like you know weird cartoons or some shit that was drawn in later Or something it was nonsense what they used to put on computer screens or there'd be somebody programming but it would all be in binary

The hacker with a keyboard. This is just a zero and a one just a giant. It's tapping away. But by 2001, like everybody, like half the country was online at that point. And all this shit. So like people knew kind of basically what computer screens look like. So they sort of tried, but they didn't really get it quite yet. And this movie has several just chefs kiss examples of that. Oh, especially when they get to the hacking part. It's. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of your dad ducking into the

computer room to see like you playing doom over your shoulder to be like, all right, that's what computer screens. Exactly. Exactly. And I'm going to go with best worst Australian release date. As Noah mentioned, this movie was released in 2001. And while it's true, this movie was released in the US on TV in May of 2001. It was released in Australian theaters on September 12th. Oh, no. What? Yikes.

Feels like someone really dropped the ball on this one, huh? Yeah. Or they were like, this is so fucking good. We have to push through. We're doing it. How topical. How topical is that? They would warn us.

They would warn us to celebrate their beautiful turbulence series. This is what the terrorists won't take cancel turbulence three. You know, every middle. Let's roll. Yes. All right. Well, let's let's let's let's do the hustle. I believe it's the term you're looking for. Yeah. Oh my god. Yes. All right. Well, so my seat belt isn't buckled and my personal electronics aren't set to airplane mode. So I need a minute before this thing takes off. But we'll back in a flash with all the dawdling action of... Turbulence 3...

Heavy Metal. This episode of Sponsored, by BetterHelp. Okay, ready? Yeah. Alright, go for it. Alright, so the thing you need to understand about Black Lives Matter... Nice. Eighth, did you just,

did I just see you catapult Eli out of the window? I did, yeah. Did he say whom's to gun? No, no, no, no. We were working on our newest invention, the holiday stress begun. It looks like an ordinary dining room table, but when a family member starts to say something dumb, then boom, right

out through the window. I see. And what if people can't afford the holiday stress be gone? Any recommendations for how they might deal with holiday conflicts? I mean, they could try it better help. What's better help? Seriously? Yeah, I landed on Lucinda's car, cushioned my landing side.

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But or legally or Or legally, yes. You have broken glass in your hair. Yeah. Like a lot. Mm-hmm. That was the part that cushioned the fall. Pustin' Hey podcast listener, do you like podcasts?

Do you like being in rooms full of people? Okay, but are you willing to put up with rooms full of people to see live podcasts? That you're gonna love God of a movie's live in Seattle, March 18th at the Broadway performance hall. Get your platinum and VIP tickets that got off a movie slide Live show voice over guy. Oh, hey, he puts up house your COVID Yeah, I'm okay. So we're out of VIP and platinum tickets. They sold out like two hours after release them Oh, I thought Eli bought a bigger theater this time. No, he did he doubled the size actually, but it still sold out

Damn, okay are there general admission tickets? I mean we're recording this on Friday and we've sold 84 tickets So time people hear this hopefully I guess that's that's one day. So yeah, hopefully yeah I guess that's one day so yeah, hopefully yeah Damn well you heard him folks run don't walk to buy your tickets at God of a movies live dot com Yes, apparently we need to start booking fucking Dodger Stadium or something That was Dodger Stadium got up a movies live dot com. I really hope all the tickets are gone and we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open things up at LAX where fans of the rock star death metal sensation Slade Craven have arrived in force That's the name of slave Craven. It's all downhill from there guys.

Can we just say best worst fake name in a while? Nice gun murder. Trump. Scram. I don't even know if it's the best worst fake name in this movie, but we'll get there. We'll get there. Also, are we going to say arrived in force?

No, that's not. It's like, so there's like a group of sleigh. I'm not saying his name. That guy, the band guy, a group of fans have arrived. It's a very small group and there's also like a counter pro, there's like a protest in their account. I don't know who's protesting what, but there's two sides, fans of him and then anti him. Yes.

And they're so tiny. It's like 12 people on each side. Yet there are riot police. And it's exactly the same numbers. Yeah. Right. They're like, they're riot police are the biggest riot. There's like 50 riot police with the shields.

Yeah. No, I love it. So God, damn much there's a news reporter there that goes like, you know, his, his music is about death and, you know, what with all the mass shootings? That doesn't sit well with conservatives. I'm like, Oh, you can tell it's fiction because conservatives care about mass shootings in this universe. Yeah. Does this music cause mass shootings? Probably it's not like we recently started repealing gun laws at the state level and definitely need someone to make an excuse for why we're allowing mass death as a result. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They're pretty confused about the sides of this politically also and it gets worse here. We see a sign from one of the Christian right protesters here. And it says metal equals arrow sign, kind of both at the same time, like metal with an arrow to a swastika, which was confusing to me. Like, very confusing. Yeah. That's your side is swastika for sure. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, as a Christian. Yeah, those you've got to do have to take them. He could see something good in everybody, Noah. So, but yes, but then slayed Craven arrives and he is, he's Marilyn Manson, right?

Like that's obviously who they're going for with the makeup and everything and the image. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they went for, but they seem to have landed on exactly, yes, Marilyn Manson makeup wise for sure, but the band's theme in general, I would call vampire pirate gimp combined. Yeah, altogether. Yeah. And I feel like that was like a big argument, you know, where everybody gets to put in one idea into the idea, Josh.

The spilling tastes great. Yeah. And then some mom was like, we're using all of them equal compromise vampire pirate game. It's like a bunch of grandma's got together to contribute what they thought Marilyn Manson dressed like it comes to. Yeah. We had he's probably like a snowman and a sex pervert and also a go. Lots of buckles. Lots of of buckles and a button nose. Nope. No. Have

you met Aaron Ra. So and then we get probably I'm going to say the weirdest scene, the weirdest single shot in this movie, right? Because we're about to meet the broadcasters. Now what we learn here is that Slade Craven is about to do his final concert ever, and he's going to do it a bored and airplane of all fucking things on a live web broadcast. Which is the stupidest idea. It's so fucking dumb, unbelievably dumb. The movie might as well, no one in the movie ever asks why or says why, because the answer that is is well,

because it's turbulent. Yeah, right. Yes, exactly. Because our characteristics were on the table. You can have turbulence, not on air. Things can be turbulent, not on air, whatever. That's a terrible idea for a concert vent. That's just a really long narrow concert party in a line.

Small. Yes, small concert party. Yep. You know how concerts have too much legroom? I think we fixed it. concert party in a line. Small. Yes, small concert party. Yep. You know how concerts have too much leg room? I think we fixed it. Yeah. And so it, but, but of course they're going to make up for the small audience there with

a big web broadcast. So we cut to the production room where they're about to do the big web broadcast. And we're going to meet these two characters by doing like this weird inexplicable close-up of their mouth. Yes. Back and forth, they're trying to do banter and we're just looking at them from like, you know, the bottom of the nose to the top of the chin.

Yeah, and that's never explained. That's never like justified. It seems like at some point we're gonna back off of that and there will be some reason that like, oh, we couldn't see that they were both wearing the silly glasses until now Whatever, but there was just that was just this director's artistic fucking joy. I was just rooting really hard for somebody to sneeze right into the camera guy And it falls backwards

You think maybe they just that's the only lens they brought that day or something lens they brought that day or something like the bucket and we've got to get something done. All right, but anyway, so we also learn here that we're gonna we're gonna meet Erica, who is the web broadcast interview girl who's gonna be on the plane, right? She's gonna be a major character and she's gonna like give us a little tour through the rot concert airplane. Yeah, little tour through the rot concert airplane. Yeah. This is so stupid. Well, and what was she says, you know, this will make the first, this will be the first live internet broadcast in history. This was 2000, what the first fucking live internet broadcast was a Yankees game in 1990 fucking five, right? It's not like they didn't really know their history for this shit. Oh, the Yankees should play a game on an airplane.

Yeah. They're final game. Yeah. Yeah, she's walking through it and she's like, it's like no airplane you've ever seen. And I wrote in my notes, I bet it's a little like an airplane I've seen. So it is, by the way, it's just a fucking airplane. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So then we cut back to the the reporter from the beginning that was explaining the plot to us. He is now going to interview the director of the FAA who as we all know works in an air traffic control. That's the same thing. Yep. To be clear, one, air traffic control granted an interview with a controller during his shift. Yes. And he's also the director of the. He's in the middle of pushing tin and there's like beeping things. And he's like, yeah, no, it's, I, yeah, I don't know. They wanted to do a concert on a plane. This is so dumb. I don't know. Well, he, this is obviously brain

fog. Let me explain it. This is very, very normal. Okay. See, he's not, he's not directing the planes. He's the head of the FAA. He's directing all the towers that are directing. There's a, there's a tower directing tower at the center. There's a really tall tower. Like a really big tower traffic control tower. Yeah, it's a tower traffic control tower, which of course is controlled by the president. Got it. That's who's in here. But that's not the dumbest goddamn thing about this character. The dumbest that his name, the character's name is Mr. Stop now. Because he's the head of the FAA.

Because you go at the end, you have to, yeah, that's actually what they went with. Hey guys, were the character names in this movie written by me trying to come up with puns at the end of a site, I should mean it episode? Because it sure feels like that. The villain's name is Craven Raven. Okay, also in the movie's head, does air traffic control tell be to pilots, be like, you stop, stop now for a second.

Just stop now. Stop right. Wait, just wait, wait right there. Now you go. He should really have the, he should really have the orange sticks, right? He should be that. Yeah, Mr. Stop. Don't go backwards. You'll die like a shark, but stop. He needs big orange sticks though, because he's doing the other towers. Right. Yeah. He needs big orange sticks though, because he's doing the other towers. Right. Yeah, well, no. So, okay. And then and now we're going to meet the pilot and the co-pilot. The pilot is nobody, but the co-pilot is Rutger. Fuckin' Howard. Rutger? Howard. He's a real actor.

Yeah. And you know what? Like, because Joe Montana is in this, I had this feeling constantly. Like, Joe Montana is too good for this movie. I never got that feeling with Rutger. No, he, here's the amazing thing. There's a note that actors sometimes get when you have a small part to like give your character a secret. This is how that note can go wrong because Rucker Hauer spends the entire movie acting like he's going to reveal some great resplendent plan. And he never don't be tricked by Rudker Hauer's performance into thinking he matters that much. He will not. No, not really at all. Yeah, but they say a bunch of pilot words and they talk about,

you know, not liking the music that slave and craven or whatever makes. Yeah, right. The pilot doesn't like, you know, kids in their music, but Rutger Hauer does like it. And he says, it reminds me of NAMM. It never stops. What? Yes. I'm both ends. Right.

So the war didn't stop or the music doesn't ever stop. The music doesn't stop. And also, hey, if you're hoping that'll ever be revisited or mentioned again no it will not no the fact that he was a nam the fact that he liked me no none of that ever matters in any fucking way so and now of course obviously we would check in with the FBI's anti hacking department. I got I was so whenever they do hacking in any movie, I'm like, yeah, the word hacking is just one of those. This is awesome. I tuck it right into my keyboard.

This is going to be stupid. Oh yeah. So this is where we meet Joe Montaigne. He's the FBI boss or whatever. And this is also where we meet Kate, the FBI hacking agent, who has finally found her arched nemesis, the super hacker specter. Yeah, it turns out he was on level 11 of Pac-Man. So, okay.

So, this is the first time where my best worst shows up, right? Because she's like, let's track him on this, be using the tracking software. And this map comes up, this 3D city map, but it's insane. There are no, like, they, they're just random buildings in random places. There's no semblance of roads or city blocks. So listen, this guy Spector, he uses the same technique as dominion voting to cloud what he's doing. Right. You don't know where the votes are going and where they come back to. Right. No, you can see the map, all the different attacks.

Yeah. As they're trying to trace him, she says, he's routing. I think about this sentence six times a day. He's routing through dormant websites. You know, websites go to sleep when you don't need them. They cocoon actually. He's sneaking through there, blowing the dust off of their ones and zeros. The hibernating ones. Yeah, exactly. So, but now it's time for us to meet him. We're going to meet Spectre, the super hacker. He is hacking in to the Craven broadcast because he wants to watch the live airplane concert. He just doesn't want to pay the, you know, the $10 to get past the, just doesn't want to pay the $8. Yeah, exactly. I'm getting my ex's nit flicks password. Yeah, because he's a super hacker. Yes.

And then we meet him. He goes to hack into everything. And then we get the credits for the movie. We're seven and a half minutes in. We get the slayed Craven music video credits. Oh my God, this music video is fucking fantastic because it's what your grandma thinks of Marilyn Manson music video is. Well, right, and it's also it's a made for TV movie, right?

So they're constantly saying, do you think his music is too violent and controversial? And now they have to give us an example of that that's allowed on TV. So it's this hilariously anodine controversial song. Yep. Like, look, I have a razor. I will cut people with my razor. I mean, not, not people. I'll mostly just wear it. I will cut with my razor to my gloves, which I only have one pair of. So I also don't cut them. But I start as though to be clear, this is not heavy metal though. Also, right? That's been the title of the movie. This is not okay.

I don't know what you call this. It might as well be Frank Sinatra bopping along the back and I cut you with my razor. Maybe the movie was just like airplanes are made of metal and relatively heavy, heavy metal. There you go. We did it. Yeah. Of course, the culmination of this scene is the best, which is they're supposed to be like, oh, yeah, well, sometimes they kill animals.

So someone let the actor called West Craven pat their dog. Now, let me be clear. The movie makes no attempt to make us think he kills this dog. He just very much leans down and was like, look, now I'm on camera with a dog. And a razor. What will happen now? Yeah. But eventually this resolves to what they're, I see the joke that they're going for.

All of the metalhead, goth kids or whatever that are gonna be on the plane with the concert are all going through the metal detector, but they're all wearing so very much metal. Yeah. But they don't do the, because the joke is them having to take all that metal off and put it on the little conveyor belt,

but they don't have time apparently for that joke. Right, so the secure, we just watch a security person waving a metal detector in front of very obvious metal and being like, yep, I waived the one. I have calibrated this thing correctly. You guys don't have pre-check, right? Yeah, it's fine. Just go ahead. I don't know. Did this make you long for airport security pre 911? Oh, because this really was it. You just walked through the little metal detector and then you picked up your keys

and then you left into you had a bomb or a box cutter, nobody. No, the hand you champagne and a box cutter and you go through it, you have to find. Yes, right. Just drinking a water bottle, liquids everywhere. Oh, Willie Nilly. So, it's a better time.

Oh, our shoes were on. You didn't have to see anybody's socks or smell their feet. You weren't allowed to take your shoes off. It was rude. It was the best. Yeah. Wow. And so, but as we're watching this line go through airport security, we meet two girls that have way more personality than all of these other schmows. So we know they're going to be major characters or not. Well, yeah, not really. They're going to appear in the movie more. They're going to appear in the movie as much as they can without being paid whatever the over five rate was for the movie.

So well, they're, they're each going to have a love interest before it's over at least. Yeah. Yeah, I just love they're panning down these like goth teenagers who were like supposed to be so wild. And I just wrote my notes. Everyone of these goths is now a mom on TikTok who talks about how gentle parenting isn't working with their daughter Kyler spelled with an H like every. All right. So then we cut back to Kate the FBI agent, and she's been told that even though they found the evil hacker specter, she doesn't get to arrest him. They're going to let, you know, field agents do that tomorrow for some reason.

Yeah, they, you know what, they're going to knock off in half. Now it would just be rude to send them out now. Literally, literally he's like, well, we'll get him tomorrow with the field team. No explanation. He's just like, man, you know, yeah. Right. And apparently she thought she's like, no, no, I get to, I get dibs. I have dibs right here.

I have the most certificate of dibs. She's very upset. So Joe Montenna leaves, she's standing there bitching at her partner about it. She's been chasing this guy for two years, damn it. She should get to put the handcuffs on him because that's more points for her or something. I think that's how it works. I don't think that I feel like there's a distribution of labor. The pretty important one.

Yeah, right. I feel like maybe her time is better spent like tracking down hackers. I don't know. Well, fuck do I know. But her partner, you know, says, Hey, man, you need to let it go. And she's like, my part in the movie would already be over if I let it go. And he's like, no, fair. I'm going to leave. And I'll trust you to do the right thing. So she taps his phone and tries to arrest him. Yeah. She, she finds his

phone number by going into her hacking hack program. She presses like one button and we see a graphic with the computer guessing phone numbers over and over and then being like, God, it hits. God, it's this one. She would already know the number. right? She would already know the number. Yes. Yeah, but she hears him order a pizza and that's going to be her chance, right? But before we get that, we have to get slayed Craven and his band going through airport security as well. In case you were doubting this movie's bona fides as a God awful movie, the airport security lady says, what does this necklace mean?

He said, he says, it means that I have allegiance to Satan. And she goes, oh, all right. So I guess, Gaye, I'm technically could probably make some Hay with this to be fair. She reacts to that is the same way I do, which is like, oh, it's fine. So Craven shows up on the plane. And he's not very helpful with the lady who's doing the interviews at all. He's so rock star frustrating or whatever. But again, like, here's the thing, all of the moments of tension in this movie are offset by the fact that they're on a plane, which is just unchi squinchi. So right, like he's supposed to storm past the reporter and not give an interview, except they both have to do that turn sideways.

Let's do butt to butt, not front to front thing. Kind of takes away the energy of the moment. Kind of. Yeah. So you have a lot of spikes. They're scra- Okay. Yeah, but then we cut to him in the bathroom.

Or I'm sorry, we cut to someone in the bathroom who's got wear on a bunch of metal assembling a gun that they have secreted onto the plane behind all of the metal that the security guys were ignoring. Behind his musical shin guards that apparently he wears. Why is that a thing? I feel like that's standard. Why do they wear shin guards? It's interesting because, because unless you're secreting a gun onto an airplane with I really don't see the point at all.

Right, I feel like most of them aren't secreting a gun onto airplanes. So it's just like surprise. Maybe there's a lot of shin vulnerability in a mosh pit. I've always assumed it's mosh pit related. Oh, okay. All right. Or like maybe a soccer game occasionally breaks out right in the middle of one of those or something. Yeah. And only one of us used to be a golf kid. So, you know,

unless he chooses to answer these questions, we have no answers. So, so it will, I'll leave all of you guessing who he like. So then we cut to the band having their pre-show snacks. And I'm like, wow, we are more hardcore than this rock band before a show. Like we are so much more risqué and hardcore than these guys can even pretend to be at least on television. I guess our thing wouldn't be on television. So, many of you are usually like dueling dicks like swords or something and Noah has to be like, can you stop?

We're on in like one minute. Noah's doing drugs. And you and I are dueling Dicks. Yeah. Right. No, that's right. So, and so by the way, if you're wondering where the hell the plot is in this film, after all, we've been, we're 20 minutes in.

We've been describing nothing, but people getting on a plane. That's all the plot. There is so far. That's it. Right. Yep. It's just people getting on a plane. And can I say pretty normally getting on a plane, right? Like the rock guy sort of pushes past the lady, but other than that, he just sort of like sits down and is like, okay, so do we take,

oh, no, we have, we have to still do like the cross check and stuff. All right. Well, I think yeah, some chips. Exactly. God, I've been, I've gotten on real planes quicker than this movie spends on it. Yeah. Yeah. Getting on a real plane is way more adventurous, so I'm in stressful than this entire movie. Bear that. Yeah. So we get the pilot actors showing off how many pilot words they learned, a lot of them. We get the flight attendant trying to give her safety lecture, but these metalheads won't even listen. They start chanting Craven over top of it. Yeah. But finally, at long last, the plane takes off. The movie can get going. And I guess like Craven and his band decide

that they're going to start playing their concert even before the plane levels off at 30,000 feet. They're, they're so metal. They're so metal. They went to the bathroom, even though the fest and seatbelt time had been turned off. Yeah. Literally the plot of the movie at this point, the plot of the movie is like, well, people could, could fall over and hurt themselves. Yeah, exactly. At this heavy metal rock concert we're having.

And they don't even care. Yeah. People trying to rush the pit and then somebody coming the other way with a cart No, no, we're doing coffee service Back it up. Can I just can I step into your snow? No, no, no, no, okay, you just keep backing up slowly. You you passed. We're gonna show all of this. Can I use the bathroom with the front? No, do I have to use the one in the back? Okay. Do you have to go to the bathroom for real? I'm saying worse.

So yes, so but everybody goes running towards the stage, even though the Captain has turned off seatbelt light, it's bad. Fuckin' monium. And the Erica is interviewing Erica and her cameraman are interviewing some of the attendees, right? This is where we get. I have her down as main character girl because I still thought that there might be a main character in this film at this point.

I love your hope early on in your notes. I got it. No, it was making up plots for this movie left and right until minute hour and 49 when he was like, Oh, okay. Yeah, it's just this bullshit, I guess. Yeah, but like as if to underscore that there's this great moment where this that one girl goes like, uh, yeah, no, I feel like we're in a movie and it hasn't established stakes or a plot yet, but it's about to. It's really exciting, you know, and they also ask her, her and her friend, do you think his music is too violent? Right?

And she's like, no, if anything, it's not violent enough. Honestly, I, I, I, I killed the fucking dog myself. It's so funny, because they accidentally defeat grandma's argument in a single sentence. It's like, do you think his music causes violence? And she's like, no, the metaphors exist. And she's like, oh shit, right, metaphors. Yeah, right, yeah.

Fuck. But then we finally get to see the death metal stage that they've built on this airplane. And it looks like somebody tried to put a fucking stage on an airplane. Yeah. So first of all, not only is this very clearly not on an airplane, they just did a worse job of making a stage, right? It was whatever the said designer could get away with convincing himself would fit on an airplane. So it's just like a somewhat shitty black box theater. You're going to watch your friends one man showing.

They might as well all be facing the same direction in chairs, like the band is facing the other way too. Yes. Well, that also, so I checked a, uh, uh, uh, rolling 747 can hold like 500 people or something like that. But like this stage with its like audience or area can hold like 500 people or something like that, but like this stage with its like audience or area can hold like 40, right? Max, Max, you could put 40 fucking people in that thing. So they have like, you know, a couple dozen fans that rocking out at this show, it looks ridiculous.

There's nothing the best part of this movie, the funniest part of this movie is the crowd shots where the very clearly 13s of people are like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Top 10 to know the lyrics to this one. Two. They at one point try to start chanting like Craven, Craven, but they don't, they can't get the rhythm correct. Not enough people. Do you remember the cowbell sketch and he's off by exactly the craven. Craven, Craven, Craven. It was worse than that. Yeah. But yeah, so Craven finally comes out and he sings a song at us called

gun love. It's another one of these anodine controversial songs that they that they had the ability to do it, right? Yeah. Yeah. And the Christian right hates guns. So that's why they don't like this. Yeah. Yeah. Any pulls one of the 60 ladies at the audience and he dances with you a little bit and it's supposed to be like, oh my god, it's such a huge deal. But it's like, I mean, he's going to dance with everyone at some point. They're in nine people. Yeah, right. Yeah. There are 13 of you here. He's doing more one on one time than we can do it platinum nights. Can I sign anything? We're going all the fucking way to Toronto. That's a long damn

flight. You want me to do your voicemail? You want me to do like an outgoing voicemail? I can do that for an half hour flights. We also get this fucking great moment. I guess this must be true in real life for hardcore rockers. It's just hard to maintain a character of like Satan in between songs. Greg is doing gun bullet. He's like, gun bullet out, shoot you. But then he's like, wow. And he's like, sorry, just a little sippy sip of water here.

Yeah, right. I'm the antichristum getting a sip. The bottle's very small. There's a great moment. So he's, I guess his thing is he fake murderers his audience on stage. So they've got this like electric chair on the airplane. Oh, you mean the magic show? No, you mean the mess.

You mean the magic show that I as a person who regularly attends magic inventions in Columbus, Ohio was judgmental. Also just clear, they went through security with an electric chair. Well, they waved the wand over it. Right. Exactly. And it was metal. So it's, it's all good. Yeah. Just this, just Maryland, man, I'm trying to shove an electric chair into the overhead. Guys, it's just give me a second. It's gonna give me a second. If, if you pivot it so that the legs are sitting out, it's like the C-Shet, you know how you get it around like a big chair. This guy's backpack wasn't up here. There would be room. Sir, can I move your coat? I'm saying.

So meanwhile, so all the producers are on the ground. They're freaking out because Craven wasn't supposed to leave at that point in the show, damn it. So they have to like throw on one of his videos to vamp and they're gonna lose viewers at that point. But as the producers are arguing about this, we've looked in the background and we see that someone got shot on the camera, right?

They don't notice it, but we see it in their background monitors. So, podcast listener, I have a bunch of, you can't shoot a gun on a plane jokes that I wrote into my notes and I'm only Google it and you actually can't shoot a movie. Yeah, that's how I went. This is really, really sad. Don't, we're not recommending it.

Don't, yeah, I don't. And the article I read was like, I guess if you blew out a window, it'd be a problem, but I had a whole, you know, if I get quiet during the rest of this episode, it's because I had a lot of, you're not allowed to shoot. They focus pretty heavily on it. See, I saw those and I had a bunch of corrections written

in for you. So I might be quite, we're gonna have to let COVID, he handled this thing. That was pretty much the rest of the show. I thought you got sucked out through the bullet hole and you know what, that's on me. It's just one of them. I don't know what I was picturing.

I don't know what I was picturing. I don't want to talk about it. I'm picturing the same cartoon thing that you are. Thank you. As first and you kind of wedge out. And then yeah, yeah, right, right. And then there's a fat guy, fat guy gets caught and everyone then yeah, yeah, right. Right. There's a fat guy. Fat guy gets caught and everyone's fine for a little bit.

Yeah. So, but so but the key here though is that there's somebody is shot on the plane. It's caught on the cameras, but the only person who notices it is hacker Nick, the evil specter, the super hacker that's watching in on all of their, you know, whatever backdoor feeds. But just as he's noticing that Kate shows up pretending to be the pizza delivery guy so that she can arrest Nick after all. Oh, yeah.

And he's like, Hey, cool pizza. You deliver pizza in a pants suit. That makes sense. Cool. Yeah. Mike Geary has this not peaked at all. Do you have a pizza batch. That's fine.

She's like, oh, wow, are you hacking into the concert? He's like, I sure am. She's like, wow, you could get arrested for this. And he says, no, only if somebody's super smart snuck into my apartment disguised as a pizza. Whoa, hold on a second. And then so she arrests him. And I just have one tiny note here throughout this sequence.

She's just smaller than the guy they had as the hacker. But like the movie doesn't want to do like a stroke because that would be gross. And also, by the way, spoiler alert, they're going to be love interest by the end of the movie, which I fucking love. So she arrests him. And he's just like, yep, you got me. I don't know. I have no, I have no further restraint against So she arrests him and he's just like, yep, you got me. I have no, I have no further restraint against this. I guess tag I'm it.

Yeah. So yeah, but so he's trying to explain to her that no, no, I just witnessed a murder on the cameras and everything and she's like, yeah, he does that kind of shit all the time. Meanwhile, we cut back to the producers and because Craven hasn't come back out, they're losing viewers, which we know because we pan over to their losing viewers animation. The beta graphic with boob moving skulls right for representing the loss of the skulls fall down when they're losing viewers, but rise up when they're gaining viewers. It's so silly.

So at some point they just have like a graph and somebody was like, can we make it skull based? Well, no, it's a rock concert. Can you do it? Do it? What if it's blood and it's running? Can we make it like like squint in the narrows moving up and down? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, right. Right. We can do some squint in the air. I'm not downloading a gif of a fucking fuck you. You're reese. Jesus Christ. 2001. It's gif. All right. So apparently be an Eli and Heath have to have a very serious argument, which means we're going to take a quick break. But we're back in a hurry with even more of turbulence. Three heavy metal. Dude, please, cherry tomatoes are red. They count.

Why do you hate Christmas, Heath? Hey, guys, what's all the hubbub? It's December, which means Eli won't eat anything with candy canes now because I love Christmas. What do you guys not get about this? Well, I mean, we can't make him eat people food heath, but at least we can take care of his teeth with a quip electric toothbrush. What's a quip electric toothbrush?

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Go to getclip.com slash awful right now for your first refill free. Plus, shop clips the lowest prices of the year this holiday season. That's g-e-t-q-u-i-p.com slash awful. Quit the good habits company. Hurray, Christmas is saved. We at least chew them this year. No, please. No.

Slade. There he is. River. God. So, you want to talk to us about your ideas for the farewell tour? Slade. There he is. Whatever. So you want to talk to us about your ideas for the farewell tour? Yeah, so I was thinking, what if my final concert was on a plane? Sorry, did you say on a plane like an airplane? Or maybe a black hat plane?

Yeah, airplane, how metal is that? It's not metal at all. Not at all. That's aluminum. What are you guys talking about? A plane, thousands of feet in the air. That's totally metal. We, we, we, like, with all the safety guidelines.

And the little seat belts. I feel like you're not picturing. Are you talking about an airplane? Oh, okay. I see the miscommunication. We're, we're going to clear out part of the plane and make it a concert venue. Oh, so you're talking about like a giant plane, like a tank transporter.

All right, so I could see how maybe that would be cool. No, no, no, no, I mean like a normal airplane, like a plane. A normal plane. Yeah, like when the ghost from L.A. did Toronto or whatever. It's such a strange choice of locations. Okay, but it's like a normal plane would fit like a few hundred people. Well, yeah, and that's if you didn't cut, take some out for a concert stage.

It's gonna be so metal. Okay, it's gonna be a poorly attended wedding. Is what it's gonna be. Metal, it's it's going to be a poorly attended wedding is what it's going to be metal poorly attended wedding. Okay. It's going to be. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Kate going through Nick's computer shit as he sits helplessly aside in his handcuffs. And they discuss his like hacker background, I guess. I don't know why this movie would have a scene of, how did you track me down when they didn't bother

to learn anything about computers? She might as well say, your megabytes smell different. Well, but we have to establish in this scene that he's a good hacker with a heart of gold, right? She's like, well, you know, what about that time you took out all the power on the Eastern Seaboard and he's like, well, they were going to raise the rates. And I convinced him not to.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm sure all the people on ventilators that died because of that felt like it was worth their sacrifice killed a couple thousand people. But it really got PSC and G's attention. Let me tell you. Wasn't really thinking about traffic lights really. That was the one. That was the big one that I didn't think through. Air traffic is just speaking of the movie. Air traffic controls also on power. Turns out, yeah. I just thought there were more generics sort of floating around. Yeah. gonna be honest.

Yeah, so it and of course she's like, well, that's against the law and that's evil and that's bad. And he's like, well, how'd you find me? She's like, well, I hacked into he's like, ah, we both hacked. We are even now. And she's like, shut up. And to emphasize that point, she takes out her gun and holds it to his head. Yeah, and it's very much supposed to be a comedy beat, but the actor doesn't play. He's like, hey, hey, don't shoot me in the head and murder me.

And she's like, right, sorry, sorry. Yeah. It's pretending to be a cop. I'm actually not supposed to be here, but I am pretending to be a cop, so I figured. I don't know why they would even give me handcuffs if I'm not one of the arresting time. Why would I have a gun?

Why would I have a gun? I am on a computer as my job. To shoot someone's computer. Ha ha ha. But meanwhile, back on the plane, I have no main character girl, because I have no other name to call this person. It's okay, Noah, you had high hopes for this character.

I did, I did. I think again, before the literal last seconds of the movie, and I'm proud of you for that. I'm proud of you. Yeah. So yeah, but she's flirting with the cameraman. This is where she tells him that she wants to be a journalist when she grows up.

That's, that's gonna be important to that final moment. But then Erica, the interview chick comes in and she's like, hey, you need to get your ass in gear, cameraman and go get slayed, Craven and make him come back and do the rest of his show. Right? Yeah. So it goes back into the back and he's like, hey, slayed, Craven, do the rest of your show. And he's like, no. And he's like, yeah, I mean, why would you listen to me? I'm literally a camera man for a local nurse, news organization. Yeah.

I'm really not what I'm doing here. And would you like me to fly the plan while we're at it? Like is there anything else that's very clearly not my job? You want me to do? I tried to restart it and there's that they're doing the coffee service. It's was gonna be like 10 minutes. So meanwhile, so, but Nick the hacker though has convinced Kate to look back over the video that he saw of the person getting murdered on the plane, right?

So we see that. In slow-mo. Yes. As if like we watched it before, it's a guy getting shot in the back of the head very clearly. Like the slow-mo added does not add anything to it. Oh yeah, no, it's still definitely a murder. Yeah. And it's hilarious because he goes like, does that look fake to you? And I'm like, I mean, yeah, yeah, looks like it's because there's no blood. It's on TV movies.

It looks really fake. So then we go back to the cockpit and Rutger Haur says to the pilot, he's like, Hey, man, you should probably check things out back there. You know, sometimes the pilot has to just walk around in the plane and make sure that it's all still together and shit. And he's like, yep, I got to do my togetherness check. I will be back. You're going to go kick the tires from the inside of the plane or whatever. Yeah, so they're drawn up.

They're drawn up in now, like, like testicles in the cold. I was in Blade Runner. We know, man, you were in the way. Yes. I made up that monologue. You, you made a part of it. I made up this. So, so we watched the pilot have to like wrestle his way through the mosh pit and everything.

And he seems, he seems surprised that the mosh pit, right? Not just upset, but he seems like, but I mean, no one told me there was going to be a rock concert going on in here. Right. Yeah. But while he's out doing that, Craven comes back out for the second song, finally, but he doesn't start singing where the lyrics are supposed to start. One of the guys cut turns to him and say, came in. This is the part where the lyrics start and he's like, I'm sick of lyrics. I want to shoot somebody with my gun instead. And every screams and they're all excited because they think it's part of the show, right? Cause that's what he does.

Okay. This was almost my best worst, which is best worst, not realizing how many people have a gun and how many people don't. Because he will now for the next, what are we going to say? 20, 30 minutes of this movie, hold the entire plane hostage, even though all it would take is more than one person running at him. Yes. But so he's like, who am I going to shoot? I'll shoot the pilot and he shoots the pilot, but it's a blank. Right? He's like, who am I gonna shoot? I'll shoot the pilot and he shoots the pilot, but it's a blank.

Right? And he's like, oh, and meanwhile, we check back in with the producers, right? The dude guys do the live broadcast, and the views are going crazy now. He's up to four million views, which means that there were millions of people who were like, you know, I'll pay eight bucks for this stream,

but I'm not gonna do it until I hear through the grapevine that Craven has come back on stage for his second song and pulled some very serious shenanigans. Yeah. Right? What would they know if they were anyway? But yeah, but we see their little skull graphic. Let's go with the other way now for a million viewers. Yeah.

And then Craven shoots the pilot to death for realsies. Yeah. I just wanted to throw out there that I really hope Taylor Swift does this at her upcoming farewell tour. I think this is a great bit for your concert. You fake shoot someone and you real shoot someone. And then you're, because nobody's expected you to real shoot him right after the fake shooting. Yeah.

Which means by the way that he added a blank to his gun for like nothing but dramatic effect. Right for like a comedy beat. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So, okay. So, then we get to see where everybody realizes that no, the pilot is actually for Real Z's dad.

This is where Kate realizes that, you know, because one murder, that could be anything. Two murders, you should probably call your boss at the FBI. I am. Yeah. Look, there's a behind the scenes murder in every concert. That's just, yeah, exactly. That's just a regular guy.

This is the fucking pilot on stage. Come on. Yeah. And she calls your boss and she's like, Hey, boss, first of all, I arrested that guy by myself, even though you told me not to. Two, I would like you to take you seriously as I inform you, there's a murder happening at a rock concert that has, and I can't emphasize this enough, nothing to do with our plot

so far. Yes, right, exactly. It's a good thing there's apparently no specialization in the FBI. Everyone in the FBI is working on every case on the FBI. At all times. So yeah. So all right. And we cut back to the airplane and then we get heath sp- well, I guess this isn't quite

heath spest worse, but this is like the start of it because like Craven has to vamp. He needs a monologue to have now that he's taken the plane hostage or whatever, but he has nothing to say. Right. So we just sort of just vamps for like five minutes, while he's pointing guns at everyone. Yeah. And it's again, it's supposed to be like scary Satanist stuff, but this has got to play on TNT while grandma slowly falls asleep and dies in her chair. So he's like, I know you all are going to go to fork in heck. You better get ready for some real bullpucky around here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like, do you guys want to play a murder game? And then finally, one of the crowd is like, I don't want to play a murder game any tackles him, right? And everyone else just stands there and goes, well, I sure hope he gets. I hope he wins. Root for you, buddy. Root for you. Let me know if there's anything I could do

to emotionally support you in this time. Yeah. But ultimately Craven wins the fight because he's pretty badass. And he pulls Erika out of the crowd and holds his gun to her head. And he's like, if anybody else tries to push me, I'm going to shoot this girl in the head. To be clear, he does not shoot the guy who just tried to stop him.

No, he's like, hey, hey, that was your one. That was your one. Okay. You helped me out earlier with my magic show in the electric chair. So I forgive you for trying to disarm me and end my terrorist reign of terrorists. Like, if you do that again, totally gonna shoot you. Okay, well, there's this, it's a five strike system. But if you, if you, you are one doubt, that's all you need to know.

Yeah. So, but and this is where the producer down on the ground is like, Hey, you know, we should probably not continue to broadcast this. We should cut the feed. And and now the characters are just like, huh? Movie movie feels kind of over. Yeah. We want to do something really removed all the stakes, I guess.

The movie come back. We're only like 30 minutes, guys. We need another hour of movie. And then we cut to Kate. Nick finally convinces her to uncuff them so he can get back to the, like he can get the feedback with his super hacker powers. Right.

I wanted to be like, okay, no, I'm keeping you cuff. Just tell me the one button to press. That's what you seem to do when you hack things. Right, yeah, I, keeping you cuff. Just tell me the one button to press. That's what you seem to do when you hack things. Right. Yeah. You're never more than six key strokes away from anything. So so okay, but then we cut to we cut back to Craven holding the gun on on Erica and he says he turns to the audience and he's like, so what do we do now? As though the movie was asking us for ideas. Yeah. Because now I'm just a guy on a plane with a gun in September of 2001. So it's kind of yikes in it up here.

Yeah. So, but Joe Montenna and his generic FBI sidekick get a call from Benny, the producer guy and they're gonna go now and see Benny. They're gonna like finish the movie off in his production studio. Yeah, and they're confused about this guy's like a whole plan to their like so does the hijacker have any like demands? Apparently no, he doesn't have a okay. I don't know. We're to come down to your office anyway, but there's not the, the movie's over, isn't it? Well, there's nothing happening. I don't see what we would do.

So, oh, and then on the way, he has to chat with Mr. Stop now from earlier. Yes, he did come back. We see the two of them have a quick chat. This will matter not at all, but it'll set up something later. And then we go back to Craven giving us what I believe is a nobody knows where the fuck this movie is going, monologue. Yeah, I wrote the villain monologue is stupendously boring. Yeah, because it is both it's satanic without being too satanic for TV. It's scary without being too scary for TV, and it's vague

because the thing he wants hasn't been revealed in the plot yet. So he's just like, I want to do the hokey pokey and turn myself around and let me finish. So to that. Stop. It's like an actor's in a fight with a producer and he's doing like an angry table read of a bad guy speech, but that's what we watch in the shot. Like his mom made him do this. Right, sarcastic. Right, right.

So, but then we cut back over to the hackers. Nick has gotten the cameras back, but he needs to do even more hacking. So he's gonna need Kate's help. Luckily, he has a second keyboard sitting next to his other way so they can do like a little couples hacking. It's yeah. And I wrote my notes here. Let me just say if this ends up being a love story between the two hackers, consider me charmed. I spoiled it already. I'll spoil it again.

That is what happens. This is a plot fucking rules. Not enough of the nerdy sidekicks falling love. That's the trope. I want to bring back. Amen, brother. So, and also we should point out that like because this is, again, this is turbulence three, right? But the movie, like the turbulence never factors into the movie. But they keep showing the exterior of the plane and be like, oh, we're flying through this storm from day after tomorrow now. But like, but nobody on the plane ever be like, oh, we're flying through the storm from day after tomorrow now.

But like, but nobody on the plane ever seems to notice that, right? It's no relevant to the plots. Also, by the way, they have her log into the FBI computer system to like find out some information about the people on the manifest. And we watch her type in her password. Her username is her name, just spelled out regular.

Password six characters. Oh wow. For the FBI computers, this week. And then they have their like hacker. But it includes the capital letters. Their hacker meet cute on the two side by side keyboards, like a tandem bike. Yeah, exactly.

They should have just used one keyboard and it's like ASDF, JKL, semi-cool. All right, but who are space bars? We space bar together, baby. They start crossing over hands with their doing piano. Yeah, there you go. Hack and soul. Is that anything?

Hack and soul? Yes. And so, okay. And so now we have this moment where Joe Montenna is trying to call Kate, but he can't get a signal because we're in the early days where writers were first trying to figure out how to handle cell phones fucking up all their familiar tropes, right?

Really fucked up a bunch of plots. It was tough back then. It was really odd. Let me tell you. You were, they was, it was virgin territory for him. So they're like, oh stupid government phones They never work when it's plot convenient for them not to Do you want to pull over and just use a phone so no? No, no, we are driving

And the phone doesn't work. We are gonna drive to a place that has a phone. Would you like to you know? No? No? I still have I still have lots of night and weekend minutes. See you. Waste my 53 hours on this seat. It's that. No, on this a well CD. We have to bring it with us that just does it. No, how many hours left on the CD?

So and then we cut over to Craven, you know, threatened to shoot Erica. And he's like, hey, you know, you better do the thing that I want done or I will shit. Like, he's so weirdly vague about these murder demands that he's making. I feel like those should be super, super duper clear. Did he try to work in a rhyming thing like for spite

to win a bet or something like that. Because the one when he's like, you'll find out what makes me tick and make it quick. Rick, for no reason during this weird talk with the FBI guy. Yeah. But apparently what he's saying is that you know how serious I am about this. If you ask Mr. Stop now, back at that air traffic controlling air traffic control tower, right? And we cut back there and just as they're calling him to ask what the hell that meant,

the tower explodes in a very weird order. It's so stupid. It explodes. And then the guy on the phone, because they're not there, goes, the phone could off, but I heard an explosion before it did. Well, right, because sound travels faster than phone. Oh, no, I'm exploding. Oh, all right. Well, we're definitely now caught up on the plot. Let me tell you that. Why did the satanic terrorists blow up the air traffic control tower?

Is there any reason for that to have happened? Because this movie had explosion money. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it. That's where there's no goddamn reason except that they had the money to do an explosion. So they were doing an explosion, dammit. I would imagine, you know, you throw a show an explosion, add an airport in the ad. That probably is going to make it. Sure. Yeah. More shit happens here. But yeah, they'd never plot

relevant. The coffee cart rolls the end of the aisle and explodes from the trees. So okay. So meanwhile, Kate is on the computer checking the cross manifests of the fucking whatever on the FBI, whatever, and they've realized that it's the Craven that's threatening to shoot Erica isn't the real Craven. He's just some other dude in Marilyn Manson makeup. Yeah. But they need to check. Right.

Right. They need to use his voice analysis program. So she goes, do you have a voice analysis program? And he's like, Oh, of course, it's right under V for voice analysis program. I think it's actually. Yeah. Yeah, but she runs it through the voice analysis program. The samples do not match. It is a fake craven. The fucking graphics for this are like his. You can see the voice on the left is bar graph and the voice on the right is totally different bar.

Different bar voices 10 on the left. And this guy's voice is green on the left. And this guy's voice is green on the left. Yeah, the check is vocal DNA and it doesn't line up. So so then we cut to the real Craven who's waking up tied away in some, you know, forgotten corner of the play. Yeah. I apparently planes have big empty rooms and then I feel like they generally use all of this space, but not in this one, damn it. No, this one's got a lot of space for kidnapping shenanigans. Let me tell you. Also, look, Christian movies over the years have had a lot of call in asking me to be able to tell white people apart. But I, this was almost my best worst because trying to tell the two white guys in identical

white makeup apart is fucking impossible. Yeah. It was been the next two scenes cutting between them and I'm like, I don't know which one's the good guy and which one's the bad guy. Right. I don't know which one's the real one and the fake one. Yeah, eventually the movie realizes that knocks off the fake one's wig, but it takes him a minute to do that.

Yeah. But yeah, so and then we we cut back to the hackers and they're figuring out that the fake Craven is a real Satan worshipper, whereas the real Craven is a fake Satan worshipper. Yeah. And how do they find that out? No, I like how do they figure out that he's a Satan worshipper. And will they check the website? They check the website. They check his, he's satan, the cool website, which has graphics has like, graphics.

Yes. Okay, they go to that, that website, the landing page has like nine very useful clues about their plan for close-up domination involving some sort of airplane-based concert probably. Well, and keep in mind, right, that they just figured out that the guy who's pretending to be Craven isn't really Craven, rather than calling her fucking boss, who's the FBI agent working on this hijacking case, she's like, well, I guess we should check out Satan worshiping hijackers.com and really get an idea what they're about first, right? You know, so.

And then he prints out that landing page on a printer. They're looking at it. And he prints it out and then shoves the paper in her face. And she's like, yeah, it's the same thing. Now it's closer. This is the year 2001, too. So I really wanted them to watch how fast a laser printer would have worked back in 2000. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, try to do this. It worked. I got to do it across four pages and then send it to myself as a PDF. So fucking dumb. And meanwhile, back on the plane, real Craven is meguivaring himself through an escape because apparently this is one of those just leaves knives laying every fucking wear type of planes. And there is a box cutter that's conveniently located in the room he's hidden.

Yeah, airlines have those for cutting boxes during the flight, right? Well, we're right. And also on top of that, rooms that you put kidnapped people in have those, you know, in case they need to cut boxes during their kidnapping. There are at least two reasons why there should not fucking be here. Just like a spinning glowing hologram above it. He's like, oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no doesn't. It's not going to, like I said, he knocks off his, his wig at some point. Anyway, so then we go to Joe Montenia doing his best worst negotiations. He's so phoning it in. I felt like they came to his house and like bundled him into a suit and they were like, here, read these lines and gunpoint. He's

just like, oh, no, what do you want? Don't his literal attempt to hostage negotiate is let everyone go. Please. That's it. That's all he tries. Yep. Pretty much. Yeah. Okay, but he puts them on hold. Hostage negotiation. When he's like, hold on. I just, I, I got to check something really good. No, just really good. Is it, I think, Door Dashes or something? Just you, I have a time. You're right back. Yeah.

And so, and Nick and Kate, of course, they're still sleuthin' away about the Satanists and everything. And they just, they've discovered that the most satanic place in all the world is a little graveyard in Kansas. And that's where the plane is heading. They're going to try to crash the plane into stall Kansas and open a gateway to hell. This is by the way, this is not this is an urban legend that was accident. They didn't make this up for the movie.

So when he says like, you know, when the Pope visited Colorado, he had to route his plane around stall Kansas. So he wouldn't fly over the satanic thing. That's not a real thing that happened, but it's an urban legend that predates this movie. Yeah, I fell down a Stalk Kansas rabbit hole and I greatly enjoyed it, including a bunch of YouTube videos of people just walking around the shitty old church being like, yep, filled with evil. Okay, so the idea is there's a gateway to hell there and they were picturing like an airplane shaped cartoon hole going into the ground and then like,

the human pop in his head, like, oh my God, they found it. Hell being on the other side of the hole. And then Satan bursts through it and he's like, you notice how there's no plane parts on the ground around here as I think Mars is lying. So, hell doesn't burn that hot. And so, okay. But then Craven calls the producers using his secret Craven phone.

Apparently, they also locked him away with, you know, a bunch of communication equipment in case you wanted to get in touch. Here's your box cutter and your cell phone. Also, here's a list of my physical weaknesses, but I've sort of mapped them on my body case. You need to strike any pain points. So that's for you. Yeah, but the FBI is like, how do we know that this is the real slated Craven? And he's like, well, you can check against my tax returns. I paid $4,287.13 in federal income tax last year. Yeah. And there's a, there's a lamp post in these four squares. Also, did that create a doodly do for everyone else where Wes Craven in full makeup is doing his own taxes?

Yeah, right. Sorry, Larry, I know you've got a gimp thing in your mouth right now, but are you paying for those with a company card? Well, you got me, man. Well, no, because then it's a double write off. It's because we're paying taxes as an S. I don't even think we're itemizing our deductions. Are we? I'm not taking standard this year. Do you know how much the standard is?

40,000 well tell you what we are two thirds of the way into this movie And I think it just grew itself a protagonist So we're gonna pause for a quick celebration, but first let me give act really hard so Why the fuck would you have a concert on a plane? I mean, I get that they're streaming it, but couldn't you have streamed something from a stage too? Could the writers not at least like name his latest album Something Airplane related or something?

Find out even more questions I have about the bewilderingly bad writing when we return for the admittedly better than I expected conclusion of. Turbulence 3. Heavy Metal. we return for the admittedly better than I expected conclusion of turbulence three heavy metal. Morning starship. There you go. There it is. There you go. And maybe like a creamy pasta, like a tortellini maybe. Oh, you got it, buddy. Really let the bacon crisp up this time. Oh, I will do, we'll do. Hey guys, what's going on? He lies nursing me back to health for my COVID.

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We only come on All right everyone I called together this satanic meeting of the cult of 10 million or whatever the fuck we're called Anyway or whatever the fuck we're called. Yes. Boos. Anyway, everything seems to be going super well. We're gonna sneak onto that plane during concert taking over crashing into the church. Yeah, that's all awesome. But I think we're missing something.

What is that, Dark Lord? A website. For our satanic cult? For our satanic cult. Yeah, yeah. So can we get like a, I don't know, like a MySpace page or something? I just want to, what people to like know are deal, you know what I mean? I like just get the information out there for people to find. I don't think MySpace is a thing anymore. I think it's for bands or something. All right. All right. That's that's okay. So what about it like a square space?

Can we make it like a satanic square space? Sure, yeah, no, that's like 200 bucks or something. I can see it. 200 bucks? Wow. Wow. Is there like a, is there a cheaper option? $200 is like, no money in the grand scale. Well, no, I know.

I'm just, but I'm just saying maybe we can go like, go on Fiverr, price it out, you know, maybe get a WordPress. This feels like a time-cost thing. Right, fine. You know what, we'll spend the $200, get a square space for our satanic cult, so everyone knows why we're opening the gate to hell. Got it.

Sure. Okay. Do we want to Shopify account for like merch to no no This guy's already work with Satan in their own way Okay, got it They sell a bunch of Nazi stuff they do yeah a lot a lot And we're back for still more of this shit We're gonna rejoin the action with the generic FBI sidekick, barifying to Joe

Montaigne that yes, that was in fact the exact amount that slave cravings income tax was last year or whatever. And then we got back over to the hackers. And this is where I actually went back in and rode in my best words because Nick has now a spinning 3D wireframe drawing of an airplane on his computer in what appears to be some kind of version of Microsoft paint where like airplane spacing in various directions are selection tools. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, so I used my airplane hacking thing. He's in right here. There's the dot for it. He's in the two parts. Right. Yeah. What fucking information to set? Give them. He's in the two portion of the airplane.

Oh, he's not on the edge of the wing. Okay. So we can stop looking in the wing. I thought it was right in the wing. So yeah, that helps. Can we cross out the wheels too? Oh, and then this is super important. This is also where the broadcast finally reaches 10 million viewers.

It never goes to 10 million and one, right? Apparently, well, it apparently maxes out at 10 million like they stopped. Yeah, like getting to like level 256 in an eight bit game or whatever. Yeah. So, okay. But now Nick decides because he knows that that Craven is in the tube section, he can now send him a secret hacker message. So he gets to work on that. We cut back to Joe Montagne. He has now reached the duck season rabbit season rabbit season portion of his negotiations. Okay. Yeah. This is, this is the best worse that I was talking about.

So do you have any demands? Cause earlier I heard you did not. And that's, that's crazy. Cause then there's no point of, you know, doing a hostage thing on an airplane hijack. So do you have any of those? Craif, it's like, I'm, what, I want you to, to die. I don't like you. Cool. That doesn't help you. We're not getting you. Do you have anything else? Pizza? Do you want to do

what you want? He's so unmoved and bored by that. He's like, yeah, I guess those are your lines in the movie. Oh, someone say cut. Anyone say, what? No cut. Right. But then Joe Montenegro tries to like, talk him down from just doing anything bad. He's like, just, you know, consider the people around you. I want you to look into the eyes of the people around you. Just look at those people.

And they show us those people. So I want to evil fake grave and be like see, I see like, I don't know, it looks like the cast of God spell at a funeral or something, I don't know. Are you really trying to save these people? And then he's like, but okay, so, but what if, and here's just hear me out, what if you just didn't? Like all the stuff that you're doing,

what if you just instead didn't? And Craven's like, was that the, is that really the best you've got, man? Because I feel like there's, you're supposed to build a rapport. Does your character of anything better? No, my character just, I don't know what's going on. Call me back in like five minutes. I'll think of some, I have, I might have a demand then.

I don't know. Could you check out my, my organization's website. It's, it's a long one. Okay. It's 2001. That's W.W.W. Yeah.

So and then finally fun for the fun for the first time in the whole fucking movie. We get a little that titular turbulence, right? The plane shakes a little bit and this is where a cameraman decides that he's going to go on the offense and he attacks fake Craven. This is where luckily fake Craven's wig falls off and we can finally tell the two characters apart easily. Right. And once again, again, I just have to point out he attacks fake Craven and everyone else

in this crowded room is like rooting for you, buddy. I really wanted the other guy to be like, oh, yeah, no, I tried that already. I tried to arrest him again. Things. Well, not everybody, right? Because fake Craven drops his gun and Erica, the interview girl, picks up the God. So now she's got it. And she turned points at it, Craven. And she shoots not Craven, but the bandmate that's trying to help take him down. Damn it. Turns out she's a bad guy the whole time. Oh my God. She's on the evil team. She's been eye-steepling this all time. Okay, wait, she could not be more evil. So wait, let me just doodly do over to Satanist headquarters. All right guys, so here's the plan.

Jill, I'm gonna need you to get a job with a local news organization covering music venues. And then I'm gonna need you to get really fucking lucky. Yes, Steve. You're gonna become an airplane. Yeah, it's right. You're gonna get assigned to this fucking plane. It gets dumber and dumber as we go. Yeah. You get a job in the mail room. You work your way up. We're going to do our plan

in like six years. And, and I'll get famous as a musician. Yeah. Right. So, all right. But, but now, but now, Erica can go full fucking antagonists, right? Because apparently the 10 million viewers was what they were waiting for this whole time. Once they got the 10 million viewers, they could do their, their evil plan. Right. Because of an old prophecy that said, one shall lead 10 million somewhere. Yes. That's some sort of satanic thing. Yeah. That was a reference to internet downloads that turns out. Yeah. Really wanted a flash cut to Satan and hell being like, damn, I should have done a Mr. Beast thing. That would have been way easier. Okay. Regardless, you have to adjust for inflation with old-timey prophecies like

that. Oh, yeah. It was like way more than all the people when they wrote that down probably. Right. Yeah. Exactly. That was twice the population of the earth back then. Yeah. when they wrote that down probably. Right. Yeah. Exactly. That was twice the population of the earth back then. Yes. And I love.

So at this point, Kate calls Joe Montanion. She's like, yeah, we've got a lot of information I should have given you in a much more timely fashion. So she tells all of this stuff to him. And then Joe Montanion has to say it back to her. And this is a little like a trick that writers do, you know, where they'll have a character in the movie say out the stupid ass fucking plot out loud. As if to tell the viewer, yes, I hear it to man. God dammit. I was, they gave me money and my kid is hungry. The iced tea effect, if you will. Yes, right. Exactly. So he's like,

wait a minute. Are you telling me that a real Satanist kidnapped a fake Satanist and is now going to use an airplane full of fake Satanist to open a real hole for the real Satan? Yeah, that is the fucking plot that we went with, I guess. And we're going to have a hacker that you've just arrested, guide a rock, the real rock star through the plane with his hacking plane abilities. Yeah. He's going to guide him more fiest style to kill the hijackers. Yes.

Marilyn Manson is going to die hard this plane. Yeah. He is the plot of. Okay, but just to be clear, that's just like keep going straight still straight. It's a tube. So the plane. I'm glad you're through. I mean, I think you can go back. You're going to want to be in the plane part of the plane. Yes. Look behind you. Nobody there. Go the other way. Done with the actions. You know that Air Force one was a movie because Air Force one isn't just one big

tube, right? That's why it was a movie. So then we get brother, Howard who we've hinted that is he's it like a bad guy as well. But now we have to make that explicit. He comes out and he gives Erica a quick smooch as if to say, I'm on the, on the plan as well. And I wouldn't take this part unless they let me kiss a pretty girl that's my granddaughter's age. God, that's fucking rough for this actress. Yeah. You can see her be like, okay, come on. Oh, laser beams off the ship's Titan. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come

on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come

on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come come on, come on, come on, come on, come on wasn't worth it. Oh, not worth it for a made for TV movie. All right. So, but now baked Craven goes to fetch real Craven, but real Craven is ready for him. His, his plan was punch him real hard in the head. It's the whole plan. I just, I love when he comes in and finds me goes not so powerful now. Are you? Were the Satanists under the impression that people in Goth bands were powerful I Can't tell you a room. I feel safer in than a room full of gods, right? Yeah, right If there's a room to have a panic attack in and be taken care of in the room for a god of death.

Yes. Have you met golf kids? They want to watch nightmare before Christmas if you look for them. So, yeah, so he gives him his little evil bad guy monologue and he goes to get him and then Craven punches him. Keep him.

There's a goddamn box cutter in this room, but no, but he punches him instead and then they get into a fight. While they're in a fight, fake Craven's gun gets knocked into a gun sized crack. Okay. I left so hard at this. So hard. I left so hard at this. So hard. I left for a while. The gun slides into a gun shaped cartoon hole somewhere.

Yes, right. And then he, he like, paused at like a dog who can't get the toy under the thing. Pause at it for a while. And how is the best? However long you're thinking this actor spends trying to get this gun. It's three times longer than however long you're thinking this actor spends trying to get this gun. It's three times longer than however long you're meant. He might as I've thought we were going to watch him get like a coat hanger and stretch it out. Oh, it's a gum. Oh, no, no, it's sitting in the circle.

I need a, I need leverage. If I could get, okay, I'm going to attach this to a shoehorn and then I'm going to lever it over. Oh, it's gone. It's longer than peekaboo weights for the laser to come back out. Yeah, it was amazing. That said, how amazing would it be if at the end of this movie in a day's X machina, that gun in the air ducts just went off and killed one of the bad guys. All right. So we cut to the cockpit. Rutger Hauer is putting in his tunes. Need a little act three opera music, I guess.

I look, I don't know anything about the making of turbulence three, but I can promise you this. Everything going on right now was Rutger Hauer's idea. And everyone was just like, I'm not saying no to red grad. He smells like nail polish remover. Like really strongly. And I feel like we could just let him put on some opera and maybe he'll do a good monologue like you did. You know, we only wrote the bad part of that. Let him do it. So okay. So but Rutger Howard puts the plate into a full dive. We cut back all the passengers in the back. You know, they're freaking out. The flight attendant is telling them to put their heads between their knees. It's like, this is my time to shine,

damn it. They're like craving, craving. I really wanted to be like, oh, I bet y'all really wish you'd been paying attention during this safety announcement now. Who do I put the mask on first, the child or myself now? You'll never know. So, all right. Meanwhile, Craven is working his way through the plane and he runs into Erica at the stage, right, at the rock stage that he was at before.

Although the crowd has been locked away behind that, right? So he doesn't see any of them. So it's time for him and Erica to have a big old fight. Yeah, which isn't the climax this movie thinks it is because it's like the people who made this movie are like, I don't know a goth guy in a blonde lady that feels like it even fight to me. They might as well be pulling in each other's hair from fight choreography. Right.

Yeah. Well, and there's this like at some point during the fight, the microphone cord gets severed and it's just spitting sparks like a fucking line that was down by a tornado or so. Okay. There was like a high tension wire going to like it. You know, it's just too dr tension wire going to like it you know just two Powering this one microphone

Like regals around like a worm that got cut in half and like shocking people Yeah, it takes three firefighters to wrestle it down or whatever So yeah, but while they're fighting, he trips her, she falls into that electric chair prop and then he uses that live wire to electrocute her to death. Yeah. Okay. So it was a real electric chair, not a prop.

So somebody had to buy a real, can you buy an electric chair? Just because you want one? Or she fell ironically,, can you buy an electric chair? Just cause you want one? Or she fell ironically, like it's not an electric chair, but because the wire was there, it worked like it was like a chair. And then, and I have to point this out,

cause it's just bizarre. And then he punches her in the face. He does. Yeah, she's dead. And he's like, and we're just like, whoa, my guy, that feels weird. Yeah, well, so and he's like and we're just like, whoa, my guy, that feels weird. Yeah, well, so what he does actually is,

because he's, he really has to do this to this actress, he just kind of pushes her face all mean like, but like obviously knowing that he can't actually punch the poor thing. And then we, so we cut back to the audience at this point and that the cameraman guy is holding the girl that I thought was going to be a major character and never was and reassuring her that it's just a storm, it's just a storm.

But no, it's not. No, it's it's a hijacking by insane religious terrorists. The plane is in a nose dive. And even worse, if you land safely, you'll still be in Kansas. Yeah, it is exactly. Right. Yeah. So, all right.

Oh, and we got back to Craven. This is where he comes across the corpse of his lead guitarist and his best friend that was shot during this fight. And he has like a very solid moment standing over his corpse and closes his eyes. And then he turns to the camera and he says, let's do the hustle. Okay. Now, now I will say this was his like raw, raw charge to the band at the beginning of the movie.

I did not expect them to go for a somber battle ready version of it later in the evening. Let's do the hustle. All right, that's what we're using in the show from now on. I was going to go out and show that's when we go out into the stage. Let's do the hustle. Buck, also my nickname for sex from now on. I'm going to be very confusing in the dressing room. Yep. So then we got to the cockpit where Rutger Hauer isn't still enjoying his opera, Craven

bursts in and then and then realizes he doesn't know how to fly a plane. So like threatening to shoot this guy is not a great like tactic at this point. Yeah, especially considering that then Rutger Hauer then pulls out his own gun. We're now at three guns. Yes, sir. It's keeping three guns. Yeah. Pulls out his own gun and shoots himself.

Yes. Yeah. Right. Now you can't make me land the plane. He shoots himself to guarantee that he he wouldn't get talked into landing safely by the goodness. So yeah. And now, okay, keep in mind that this plane isn't a nose dive. he wouldn't get talked into landing safely by the good guys. So yeah.

And now, okay, keep in mind that this plane isn't a nose type, right? So like, he doesn't know how to fly a fucking plane, but I feel like I could figure out, well, first we level it off. Yes. Right? Okay. Well, Noah, do you have an Atari joystick? Let's be clear, he begins the process of trying to fly this plane without once going back to the cabin full of people where there are two stewardesses, by the way,

to say, does anyone know how to fly a plane? He's like, well, I'm in the room in Rutger. Howard just shot himself maybe in real life. So yeah, I guess I'm gonna fly the plane. Yeah. Well, not for a long fucking time, though, right? Because we cut back to Nick and Kate in the in the hacker dinner, whatever. And she's like, who's gonna fly the plane? And I'm like, the question is, who's gonna level off the fucking plane? And then we'll deal with who's gonna land the fucking thing. But just then Nick pulls out his goddamn joystick and he's like, I'm going to lay on the plane. And we're like, fucking what? I love it. But what? Seriously, he's like, all right, no, hear me out. I do have this story joystick. It's a pretty

sweet one. I put some mods on it. And then FBI lady Kate, she calls her boss and she's like, And then FBI lady Kate, she calls her boss and she's like, hey boss, the hacker criminal says he has a Natari joystick. So that's the new plan. Okay, bye. And the boss is like, you can't land a plane with a Natari joystick and she's like, yeah, I mean, like plot wise, you wouldn't think so. Could the FBI not get like a real pilot to give advice on how to land a plane? Oh, what's so amazing is that we get one of those.

Yeah, they remember it later in the movie. Yeah, yeah, he shows up late to them like four minutes before the movie. And the only African American speaking character in the entire film shows up. And he's like, hi, I'm the pilot here. And it's, oh, you've already done it. Oh, you got it. You had an Atari toy. How can I be low for the movie? Well, I'm the pilot here. And it's, oh, you've already done it. Oh, you've got it. You had an Atari joy. How can I be low for the movie?

Well, in that case, yeah, how am I late for a movie that you're writing? Just operating. So yeah, but we haven't met him yet. That's a pleasure. We're going to meet him in a minute. But right now Nick gets on the horn with Craven. And he's like, yeah, man, you're going to have to level off the plane. And he's like, curiously, I did not figure that out on my own.

So we have this whole like, you know, he's got to level the plane, but can he pull it back hard enough? Okay. Yeah. So step one, what I want you to do. I'm an expert on this from my Atari work. I want you to aim away from the ground. Are you going towards right now?

Aim further away from me. I am. Yes. Okay. Well, that's why you? I'm going to aim further away from it. I am, yes. Okay. That's why you're the super genius character, I guess. Right, but it becomes a test of strength. I feel like airplanes have power steering now. He, he, he took the words right out of the mouth because I will say I've seen this trope

in a lot of movies now and I feel like if it is the case that you need to be a certain amount of strong to pull a plane out of a dive, we should undo whatever that mechanism is. Yeah, right. Exactly. Get a lever in there or a pulley or some kind of a conical advantage. Yeah. Exactly. So yeah. So and then we cut to the ground where they're mobilizing emergency vehicles. I have no fucking idea where they would be mobilizing them too. I guess they read ahead in the script or something. We got Nick and Kate just hacking as hard as they can. I don't even know what the fuck they're going for right where he's like, you know, but

you need to hack into the snarple far from she's like, but that would be immoral to hack into the snarple far. Okay. I'll hack into the snarple far. They have that whole moment, right? She okay. To be clear, here's what that moment is. She's like, oh, that would be illegal. I can't do it.

And he gives her the like, please eyes. Like you might as well say, ooh, woo. And she's like, oh, you know, I can't say no to you. Criminal who I just meant. We're love interests. Yeah. What a way for this movie to choose to do. Somehow we are.

Yeah. And so, but he gets on the horn with Marilyn Manson or whatever. And he says, all right. So all you're going to have to do is just punch in the coordinates and the autopilot will land the plane for you. I'm pretty sure that's not right. I don't know a lot about landings. I'm pretty sure that's incorrect. We take a lot of the piss out of pilots on this program. We, Gam has been accused in the past of being anti-pilot, but even we know that you can't just punch in where you're going in the plane lands itself. I feel like you can.

I feel like that's what it is now. All right. Well, one word of us is still strongly anti-pilot. Okay. But if that is a thing, which it is according to the movie, why not just start with that? Right. I feel like that's the first, the first instruction. Right, because the autopilot would just be like, oh, you know, straight down isn't right?

Yes. I feel like that's the first line of code for the autopilot is like aim away from ground if facing ground. Right. Yeah. So, okay. But then just then fake craven turns out not to be dead because keep in mind he only ever got hunched once. Right. Hey, how's it going? We need like seven

more minutes in the movie. You want to, you want to have what can really only be described as a shavvy goth fight. Oh, I love the second Craven on Craven fight. So goddamn much. It's so stupid and silly. At one point, fate Craven just grabs a like 12 inch bread knife that the plane keeps laying around. It's the airplane bread knife. Everyone knows that the airplane red knife, but don't worry because real Craven sprays him with the steam firing fire extinguisher. You know, it doesn't shoot

that messy foam or anything. Exactly. Wind. That's why you don't bring a bread knife to a fire extinguisher steam. This was fun though. So, you know, you're just like your, you see street performers, do you ever see a Gimp Mimes fighting each other like to them? And it's awesome. Fighting over the same corner. Yeah, it was a lot like that. And then and it ends the same way, except instead of using a porta potty, they use the airplane bathroom at the end of the fight.

Real Craven wins. And he just pushes fake Craven into the airplane bathroom, realizes that's not really a thing. And so he pushes a cart in front of the door. This would slow down this man's escape by like, fractions of a second, but he's like, all right, did it. He just lines up an apple cart. Okay, we opened it up.

This will probably block him for ill, but trip over it. He made a price, explode. I really wanted him to open it from the inside, which is how bathroom doors open, just be like, this is nothing. I'm just moving that into a pocket door. Sorry, I'm really good at knocking bad guys out.

I'm really bad at confining the spaces afterwards. John McCain made it look so easy. Right, Cause like keep in mind the space that he was in is the spot where real Craven was locked up earlier. Right. So it's a lockable space. So okay. So Craven comes running back into the cockpit. And then with 11 minutes to go in the movie, counting the credits, we meet the pilot character that's there to talk Craven down Hello everybody, and again, this is how stupid this movie is at this point We have 78 people talking in a four person Jane about how to land this plane and there are two Sturdises on board who they haven't even bothered to ask

Yeah, right right or warned that they're about to land, right? So, and then you also have to keep that in mind, right? Because we've not established that this one was supposed to go to Toronto. They're in Kansas. We haven't established that it's almost out of gas or anything, right? So the thing to do would be to climb back

to some tens of thousands of feet or whatever and take a little while to figure this shit out. They can get Fletcher there and then have an hour or so, right? Nope. Nope. The movie's only got 11 minutes left, am I? It's no stif into perfect landing or nothing.

Clearly, yeah, exactly. So we get, and then Fletcher realizes that the relationship between Nick and Craven is now so well established that him and all his expertise would actually just get in the way of Nick and his Atari joystick and their power to see through Craven's feeling. Okay. That's real. That's how they were. The expert pilot out of the plot to have this dramatic thing happen. And he's like, yeah, I am pilot, but these two have a beautiful sexual connection. So I have to step away. We're not exaggerating.

The pilot is like, no, no, no, those two are best friends. And I can tell I'll let them take it from here. And then he exits the movie never to reentry. Yes. And then we have to have Nick give him an advice, but all the advice is so stupid, right? Cause he's like, Hey, man, it has to be lined up with the runway. The airplane does. And he's like, right, didn't think of that on my own. I'm glad you're here to tell me that. The wheels down on the bottom side. They

don't even get to that. They never even get to lower the landing gear. It's all just like, all right, so you're aiming for the runway and he's like, oh, the runway you say. Runway. Yeah, okay. I was hoping for a big swimming pool. There's a button right here that says autopilot land. Should I just press that probably or? No, no. Okay. Well, yeah. So eventually he does. After like 13 steps, he's like, and now press the auto land button.

But dammit, the auto land button isn't working. He's going to have to land the plane on his own. He might as well be fumbling with keys to put into a different key thing for no reason. He drops them. They slide through a key shape hole and he's lying at it for 10 minutes. Land on the trigger. The gun get fired out of the gun. Out of the plan. Oh, now and up to this point, listener, I can imagine you might think that we've just

decided to do a secular movie this week instead of a Christian movie, but no, the latest movie has ever established itself as a definitively Christian movie at one hour and 24 minutes is turbulence three because at this point Craven takes off his Satan necklace from earlier and asks for God's help to land this plane. Yes, which implies that according to the world view of this movie, God was sitting there with his arms crossed, being like, I hear a police. I hear a police.

I hear a police. I hear a police. I hear a police. I hear a police. I hear a police. Trust me, this movie comes out in September of 2001. I'm ignoring a lot of plane crept this year. I'm ignoring a lot of plane crept this year. I'm ignoring a lot of plane crepes this year. Yeah, so we get some more like, you know, landing words, piloty words.

He goes at one point. He's like, Nick is like, hey, Craven, you have to keep the crosshairs into a perfect cross. And I'm like, oh, and only a Christian could do that. But luckily, but then the hackery guy is like, you're still too low. And I wrote in my notes to land. Are you subterranean? No.

So, and then, okay, but just as the plane reaches the ground, the feed cuts out and Nick assumes that they've all died. And I wrote in my notes, I got to admit, if it turns out that the plane crashed and they're all dead, I kind of love this. Honestly, if the credits are rolled at that point, I think this is my favorite. You're just like, fuck, okay, what I normally do here is reset the Atari and try again. Can you go blow on West Craven? But that is. West Craven's a different guy, by the way, just a case you're on Wes Craven, but it is. Wes Craven's a different guy, by the way, just a case you're curious.

Craven, slave to Craven. Slade Craven, sorry. Yes. So, yeah, but they get him back. They get him back on the radio and he's like, all right, I'm on the ground. How do I hit the brakes? And they talk, and he's like, yeah, probably we should have mentioned that beforehand. But they talk him through that.

Question, if this is happening in real life, do they have like big nets or like foamy catching stuff they can put down? Oh, like the things that they, like where, where, where like BMX bikers practice over those little foam pits. Yeah. Yeah. Firefighters holding the big trampoline. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. That's actually what I was picturing a trampoline. And then I was like, that would just, you know, start another problem. That's right. Yeah. That's the whole whole new issue. Yeah. So no, no, I don't think so. So they finally do like they, they, they, they've land the plane to get it stopped. We get a scene where everybody hugs everybody, right? Cause all, all the love interests hugged. And then we even stupid 2001 ass scene where Joe Montana, everybody hugs everybody, right? Because all the love interests hug. And then we even get the stupid 2001 ass scene where Joe Montana, everybody hugs and then Joe Montana looks over at his partner,

but his partner's a man and hugging him would be gay so they don't. That's like a, that's a fucking comedy beat. It's so weird. They're also at this point. Is this also when the TV guy tries to shake their hands and they say no? Yeah. Yeah, Benny, the TV guy who's shake their hands and they say no. Yeah. Yeah.

Benny, the TV guy who's been nothing but nice and helpful this entire time to them goes to shake their hands and they just both look at it like fuck you and walk out. For no, at this must have been cut from the script, right? There must have been some kind of subblock because it truly seems that we don't touch TV people. You all have homosexuality. And then this is one of my favorite moments of the whole movie. Craven is like, wait, how do I talk to the plane? And he's like, oh, you push the button.

He's like, all right, everybody. We landed safe. Who wants a concert anyway? Yes. Right. He's like, we're going to get this back on the road and give you the concert. You paid for him. Like your bassist is dead in the airplane.

There are multiple corpses. Everyone there's going to need years of therapy. There are multiple bullet holes in the fuselage. This is not a show must go on type moment, too. Just picture everyone. The rescue crew is coming on and he's just still sitting in the pilot's chair. Oh, no, I'm going to fly it back up when we're included. Well, when we go, because we got to go to Toronto, I promised everyone a concert. Because you're kind of fucking up my final. What are my Taylor Swift working with ticket man? I take the love of my listeners seriously. I'm sorry. I know Taylor Swift is a big fan and I'm sorry to. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry like this. Don't, don't mean to impune you Taylor. Okay. So, okay. So Joe Montenna calls Kate and tells her that she's not in trouble for arresting a guy he told her not to arrest without a warrant or anything. And Nick, the hacker is all right with him now.

So Nick is like, so what next, you know, you gotta, you wanna eat that pizza that you brought or she's like, no, I wanna finish arresting you, I'm gonna handcuff you now. Yeah, and he's like, oh man, you're still arresting me? But no. No, she's taking her clothes off and she says, quote, I thought you were hungry.

So to be clear, this movie written in 2001 suggests a ending of handcuffed ass eating. Right. Yes. So, but okay. So I get, look, I get that you can use handcuffs to do kinky sex stuff, but not with both hands behind your back beforehand. Right. That's not how you can't even take off that silly ass Hawaiian shirt he's wearing. I think he's just going to be eating ass. I think he's just, I mean, I can do that fully dressed. So yeah, regardless, you know, can we just like have some pizza first and then it's right there. This is why you got to establish ground rules with Heath

because he definitely hops into that room with a slice of pizza between his teeth. He's like, I want to eat your ass, but I'm hungry. I'm 100, two hours ago. You interrupted. You can have one. I can't really get the whole slice back. I can eat the cheese and the pepperoni off of it.

It turns out you can have one piece one. I'll skip these heads up, so strangle you. All right. So then we wrap up. We've got a quick, de-boarding scene because the cameraman guy turns to turns out not main character girl. And he says, Hey, you wanted to be a broadcast journalist. I'm putting you on the air right now.

We're going live. And she's like, well, I couldn't. Yes, I can. Okay. And so then she does her broadcast about telling that the people at Z web live stream, how everything worked out. She says as a matter of fact, Slade Craven landed the plane after single handedly fighting off all the hijackers.

No idea how I would know that. I was locked in the back the whole time. No witnesses except maybe they were showing on the plane was turbulence. He read ahead in the script. Yeah. So yeah. And then Slade comes out and everybody cheers for him and he screams us out of the movie. And one guy's like, we're best friends. Yes, it's really sad like

Cecil walking out and Eli be like, we're better. So and that's it. That's the whole movie yes, totally a Christian. And while that does it for our review of turbulence three, that is not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to reload this gun. So Eli tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, we've had a lot of fun today and that deserves punishment. So we'll be watching the anti-COVID documentary that's sweeping the internet, or at least the parts that Martian habits died suddenly. Oh god damn it. All right. I feel like everything should be anti- anti COVID, right? That sounds reasonable. You would hope. Keith, you have to survive the week. So next week's episode isn't too ironic. Yeah, right. Died suddenly. Yeah, no, that would be yeah. That would be very rude of you.

So with that to move forward to, we're going to bring up a three 81 to a merciful close. Once I get a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to helped make the show go. If you let yourself in the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby you're going to access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review, sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, of course, you should check out our sibling shows, the skating a, the citation a, the D&D minus and the skeptic crowd available wherever podcasts live.

Maybe I have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can get me a mug out of them and send you mail.com, legal services to the spot, cash for bread, a bottle of go out and move some Gmail.com, link the services to this podcast from Fred DeBitt, love this is a PN Drittor's, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in performance by Ryan Slatney from the from the Drafts on Mars, all the other music was written in performance by our audio engineer Morgan Clark,

and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check here live this week for Heathen, right? Neely Bosnick, I'm an illusionist, promised to work harder on the track next week, until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club clothes. Baby Shark is more than 1,000 times more powerful than Satan, based on use. Slade Craven went on to still socket music. Those hackers fucked the shit out of each other.

The shit out of each other. Well, Lolly asked you to maybe some of that one. Right? Right, really, yeah. shit out of each other. Well, Lolli asked you to maybe some of that was good. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, can I just say I want to be the first to say that, um, you know, I, I hope you get over your COVID quickly and everything. Heath, but your COVID voices sexy as fuck.

It's pretty sexy. I just nice. It's actually it's sexy and it's upsetting because I also have a gravity voice right now, but it's not sexy. So I got that not sexy version of COVID. Really? But I don't have COVID. All right. And this is interstitial too. It's silti would it be silti? Silti. Yeah. There you go. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on the Thunderstrum LLC copyright

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