God Awful Movies - 383: A Little Piece of Heaven

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Live from New York City, the gang gets together for an atheist review of A Little Piece of Heaven. It's the story of how a well timed orphan kidnapping can save an otherwise dismal Christmas. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He switched at her lollipop for... See if you notice this. So, Jesus Christ. It's penis, I was talking about this. Kurt Cameron's to be exact. And let's at least recognize he was cute as fuck back then, one day. Oh, yeah. He was adorable. Kurt Cameron?

Yeah. Oh, fucking movie. Giving me grown man's. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. It was penis again. Thank you. God awful movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Ooby, ooby, ooby. Hello and welcome to God Off A Movie's Live from New York City! I will do this all fucking night. This is the by-guess where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because, well, you came all this way. Of course, I can't do this alone, so please join me in welcoming to this stage. My good friend, Heath and Wright! Lovely. Hello, everybody.

All right. I was hung over earlier today. All right. I was hung over earlier today. Now I'm back to drunk, feeling great, ready to go. It's healthy. My mom's here too. Hi, mom. I bet you've been wondering where all that tuition money went. Well, I believe this off- off Broadway theater answers the question. I was just uprope.

Really? You think about it? It's right there. It's all so joining us in a disturbing state of dress no doubt, please put your hands together for my bad friend Eli Bosnick! I should explain to the listeners at home that Eli is wearing a thing for which thankfully there are no English words. They should have sent a poet. Hi, heads mom.

I'm here for a perspective. He's mom is going home tonight. He's not the weirdest one. He's not the weirdest. Pay mountain clothes. One of these days, I am going to pay Morgan to go back when he comes out and lock the dressing room door from the inside and make him do the whole fucking show dressed

and something like that. More like get to do the show dressed like that. It's always on underneath now, which is... We don't have time to take this thing up to peel this thing out of my crevice. Oh, find a joint from when I was 15. Where'd you guys hide your weed? Skinny people are weird.

So tell us, what will we be breaking down today? We watched a little piece of heaven. Yeah. Yeah. Really quick, hands up. Who watched this? Who actually watched this? Oh, catch, Mark.

A lot of hands. A lot of hands. Okay, for the few people that didn't, I'll tell you approximately what happens. It's a story about how I think this is correct. The leftist legal system needs to accommodate the biblical idea of Christian orphan slavery. Like we need legal exemptions for sincerely held Christian orphan slavery. I think you're actually right.

That's what it's about. That is correct. Yeah. 1991 was a weird fucking time. He's cheating. He's reading off the Supreme Court's notes right now. Yeah, right. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the sensitive, thoughtful portrayal of the intellectually disabled of the

early 90s, but you missed the felonious hygiene so the films of the 1980s, you will love this movie. It is really an estuary of decades, if police academy could turn off a movie, he would be this movie. All right, so I have a legitimate question here. How is it that we have gone 382 episodes without ever watching this fucking gem? We're like a couple that falls deeper and deeper in love every year. We're going to die holding hands with just like an even better Christian mooding. Are there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of the other

worst at? Well, yeah, I'm going to go with best worst. Jussie Smollett is in the movie. Making his cinematic debut. Yeah. If you're not familiar, this is important. Jesse Smollett got caught staging a hate crime against himself and saying he got attacked by Trump supporters, Maga people.

So I just, I want to say this at the beginning, we support Jesse Smollett. LAUGHTER That's good. just do it better. Just don't get caught. Right, right. I like people who frame Republicans who don't get caught if what I'm saying. Like frame a racist cop next time, right?

Yeah. If you frame a white cop for a hate crime, he probably did one. Jessie. You're framing him for something you didn't do. He probably did one. Like, you're framing him for something you didn't do. He probably did one. It's safe. There.

We support Jesse. Company, policy. Can I tell you my favorite part of the Jesse Hokes? Is that he answered the favorite part? Yeah, so... Part of it... Pretend you're surprised. Nobody's buying it.

Part of his crazy insane toddler lie was that they... These marauding trumpers had a noose and they threw it over his head, but he answered the door with the noose still around his neck. Like he wouldn't have removed it. I just love the idea of that skill, you know. It's like when you get a car accident, you're not allowed to move the car after where it is. They're ensuring suggestor has to see the news. Yeah, it's for my neck.

It could be a break. So. All right, so I was going to go with, well, we're on the subject of race is the best word grammar Nazi. So the class and racist nature of like proper English and correcting people's English has never been put on better this way. Like if you were going to try to like give an example of that at a talk, you know, or something like that, clips from this movie where Kirk Cameron corrects the African American vernacular every time that Justice Mahlat's character

uses it would probably be the perfect example or example our rather. I'm gonna take the easy one. I'm gonna go with best worst portrayal of an intellectually disabled person. Y'all this performance I think the fact that Jesse Smell it was present for this performance means he was technically did receive a hate crime and like, it carried you on the left. That's right. That's two hate crimes. So the one he didn't know, he canceled.

They canceled. This, I would pay anything. And look, she's not busy. I would pay anything to interview this actress and be like, tell me about your process. James looked in the fire. She'd be like, well, I stood in front of a mirror. I'll ask Stanislavsky, and I went,

DEEEES! And then I really built from there. We shot Pandas all the bithards. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Alright, well, we've waited 382 weeks for this breakdown. So I guess another minute or two won't hurt, but we're back in a flash with all the child's snatching antics of a little piece of heaven. CHEERING Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey there Twinkle Toes! It's these little boys and girls!

They're all asking for cellular phones, but Santa doesn't have the heart to give them one. Well, why is that? Because of the fees,inkle toes. Big cell phone companies contracts are full of hidden fees, extra charges and just a ton of headaches. Well, why don't you just try Mint Mobile? What's Mint Mobile? That's a point for Santa, for the record Santa, not Eli, that's a Santa Point. Heath, get out of the sketch. Peter is Santa Point. This holiday season, the best deal on wireless can only be found at Mint Mobile. Right now, when you switch to Mint Mobile and buy any three-month plan, you'll get another

three months for free. As the first company to sell Premiere Wireless Service Online Only, Mint Mobile lets you order and activate from home with E-SIM while saving tons on phone plans starting at just $15 a month. 15 bucks a month? What kind of chimney, swoop and magic do they need to do that? Well, by going online only with ESim and eliminating the traditional costs of retail, Mint Mobile passed a significant savings on to you. All plants come with unlimited talk and text,

plus high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. It's true. I switched over to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor and I get the exact same service for a fraction of what I was paying before. Oh, who's this guy? Oh, he and Heath are doing some kind of point thing.

I don't really understand that. I'd do that up, bring it back in, buddy. You bring it back in. You bring it in. For a limited time, by any three months, Mint Mobile planning get three more months free by going to MintMobile.com slash cam. That's MintMobile.com slash cam. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at MintMobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash cam.

Oh, thank you twinkle toes. You've saved Christmas again. Yeah. So can you make the podcasters leave? Still waiting on that Uber. That's a call back to a different show. I know, I know. From the makers of a little piece of heaven comes the heartwarming tale of a professional football player who's lost the love of his life. Nicole, you have to take me back. No. And the dastardly dude who gets between them.

Look, Ron, I respect you a ton, but I feel like me and Nicole really have a chance. Sorry, man, she's mine. He'll have to assemble a dream team to tackle this problem once and for all. Gosh darn it Nicole, I know you're the one for me. From BWE Films, OJ Can You See? BWE, all our movies will stand up to time just fine. Pfft. Ackeroon.

And we're back. And so we're going to open this movie up with Kirk Cameron and Kirk Cameron's dad and his sister. They're just wrapping up a visit to Cancer Mom's graves. We're going pre- Cancer Mom in this, getting it out of the way early. That counts for Bingo, though, right? No, I think so, yeah, for Bingo purposes. The opening line of this movie, we get a little bit of the kind of B-roll that politicians use in their ads to establish their rural cred. And then we get this amazing opening line, Kurt Cameron says, Dad, if I'm going to be a

pig farmer, then I don't need to go to college. Yeah, we're starting with Kirk Cameron's real life. The conversation that 100% happened in his real life. Kirk, we picked up your cell phone call with your dad before the shot. Do you want us to cut that for the... No, leave it. Leave it.

But as Dad's trying to convince him to go to college, we also, this is where we get our first glimpse of how the sensitivity of their portrayal of the mentally disabled and sister think the sensitivity of Donald Trump hung by that one disabled reporter. Yeah. But he starts to have a stroke halfway through. Yeah. Which would have been super funny. Right. We could all admit if trumpet died just being like, we helped me. And everyone was just sitting there being like, get

them don't eat. I mean, I have to text Andrew and ask how much I'm allowed to laugh at that. All right. It would be funny if it's been green in the document we have. Being of which do you know the Young Republicans Club? No, you know what I'm talking about. Moving on. Same as 140 of them. So, so they're tripping over on the cemetery? You tell the plot.

I'm driving over on the cemetery. And so they're driving over for the fucking cemetery. Still bitching about going to college. The handicapped sister and the dog are in the back of a fucking pickup truck. 1991 was a fucked up time, y'all. OK, but the fact that the dog and the handicapped sister in the back, it makes it feel like a they go back there.

Yes. situation. Yes. If I were staging the scene, I'd be like, what's not? Let's not equate. Yeah, right. So, and this is where Kirk and the famer are going to stop by the orphanage.

This is where we're gonna meet Oscar winning golden glow winning Seven-time Emmy winning BAFTA award winning Chloris Leachman How do you think it was? No TV movie with Kirk Cameron. Yeah Jesus that was just kidn kidnapped like some of the characters. Yeah, we'll be. Yeah, looks, pay attention to our blinks, or movie, or something.

Yeah. She does try to switch characters several times throughout the movie. This makes sense. Yeah, right. Trying to make up her own movie. So then this is where we get sort of the inciting incident of the movie, where she explains to them that her orphanage that she runs is going to be shut down and all of

the kids are going to be sent to an evil farm upstate, I guess. The brisk in vicinity. Yeah, but that's sort of the plot of the movie. Yeah, exactly. So OK, so we get that scene then. We get that night. Kirk's dad is reading some history to violate. That's the sister.

Well, she works out on a stationary bike. We're going to get this scene several times. I mean, she was like, I'll do this really, really problematic character. You have to let me ride my peloton the entire time. Yeah, all right. I got a good, good, good, good. You have to let me ride my peloton, the entire time. Yeah, I got a good, good, good, good, good. That's all, that's all I'm doing.

I'm not gonna forget leg day over this shit, yeah. There's a real, because she tries to stop at one point, and dad's like, come on, you're already, shh, shh, shh. Nobody wants a fat, okay. Okay. Okay. Always, oh, it's not me.

Get ready. I would love, I love them. No, I like it. Let me, I like it better. I think you wanna know, I can save this. Me and Morgan can save it, I'll tell you that. You know when you see one and you notice and you're cool. But if they're there, they, if they are bigger, you're like, oh, nice. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. For them, don't you get it? No, you can't save it. You saved it. Save it, Per. Jesus. Guys, it's going to get worse from here, because that word shows up twice in this fucking movie, though.

Right. All right. So, and I should also point out that Kurt Cameron comes into the scene. He's reading this thing from some old history book or whatever. Kurt Cameron comes into the scene way to God damn late and leaves this poor actor to just read boring history from way to it's like it's like he's fucking with Eli at the beginning of a skit. Oh that's so fun. Oh yeah. Sometimes Eli's like I'm doing jumping jacks at the beginning of this. And he's like, round, round, round. And you just let him go for like a good 10 minute

evomated once. Yeah. At this point, I can't even make the noises of jumping jacks. Right alone. If I did a jumping jack right now, I would just fold neatly in half. That's split cleanly down the middle. Like a kinder bar. Yeah, that is. You know when you see a big one and you're like nice

So anyway, so Kirk comes in with some fun facts We learned that Kirk is adopted at this point in the movie then we cut to him the next day he's in the pig pen Sharing all his characters motivations with a pig The sister comes in any grammar nazis her right? She's like me and Lucille is like Lucille and I's Jesus fucking price man fuck you. I'm me and fuck you Who really holds the earth Kurt? Oh really holds the earth-curt. I mean, do whatever they wrote in the script. Right.

Look, I'm touching my junk-curt. Touching it. Touching it. I just didn't tell him that at home he's touching it. I'm touching it now. I keep the listeners. The reindeer knows it's still under the short fuse, but it's a real... There's a real vim... He's trying to get the bells. The bells are still there. The bells are still there. This is the next two hours. That's... All right, that's going to distract you so much. That's all right, that's going to distract you so much. Yes.

I'm not going to look at it. Don't maybe get out the laser pointer. So okay, so yeah, so Kirk is in the pick band that the sister comes in and she says, hey, I got a question for you, dad is laying down a sleep in the back of the truck. Why would he do that? Okay, so he went there to die is what they say. Yes, exactly. He went to the back of the truck. Why would he do that? Okay, so he went there to die is what they say. Yeah, exactly. He went to the back of a pickup truck to die.

Like, is that like an ice flow for Rednecks? Do they? Do we have any southerners? Do like, I mean, I know you're asking me, yeah. Go on. Did one of your, listen to it. Did your dad? Oh. Boo. He said the worst thing of the podcast! I'll tell you if we remember anything from tonight, it's what he just said! I'm gonna forget everything else that was said tonight because of that joke!

So mom, where did dad go? So mom, where did dad go? Dad, parents. So, okay, I just tried to blackpitch for the dad. No mind is dead, they're both in hell, it's fine. Or not, I mean, probably hell. But so, the void. Yeah, probably hell. But so the void. Yeah, that's it. That's it.

So OK, we're at two seats, this is the flow. Before we started, Noah goes, hey, I'm going to put the little timestamp for where we should be at each minute after this. And I was like, you do that, buddy. Like talking to a guy who's dying in Vietnam. Yeah, you're gonna. Guys, we're gonna get you messed up,

and we're gonna be done in the next one in the 8.25. You're damn right, we are, buddy. Big 10 and Stewardess is all the way back to LA. That's the choppers now. Close your arms and get some sleep. You're like, say, you were not even through the credits yet, guys, yeah. So, okay. And then we get this weird ass eulogy from the preacher man, where he basically says that like, God probably had a pretty good reason for killing off the dad and at the beginning of

the movie. Yeah, it's really, it's called a Nanya. Nanya, fuck, one time I need somebody to interrupt that pastor speech, be like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's God. Yeah, dad died for a good reason. He goes, and he's like, you know, she was a great man, that's the dad. Jesus was a great man, he even raised that daughter of his, you know.

Oh, that's so tough. What he says is he goes, one child, you know, and one adopted. And that's, and does like a look to the audience, like we're gonna be like, oh, not even him. Right, yeah. That's basically a path that can talk. I'm so proud of him.

He's so funny. And that Eulogy results with a quick, like, a series of shots of now Kirk Cameron has to do all the stuff that dad used to do, has to take over the household. He's 18 now, so he has to read boring history to the sister, which he's under a peloton. They have a sadness meal for Thanksgiving. They gather on the table, have some sadness together. The sister suggests a double suicide, I do believe.

Okay, this is what I thought, because she says, I want to go to heaven and see mama and pop-up, and I thought she was going to pull out a gun with two bullets. That's right, right. But she means I don't know that Heaven's not a real place. Which is a littlest set. Yeah. But Kirk Cameron's like, love where your head's at. Put her heads together. Believe me, I've thought about it.

Okay, Violet. Trust every night when you go to sleep, I'm just like, ah! Ah! That's right. He's talking about the real Kirk camera, not the character. Kirk, it's okay. It's okay.

And Candice Cameron. Yeah. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! She's the one.

She's the one. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, okay, then we get Kirk and Violet the next day. They're doing chores together. And this is to show that it's too much for him to try to do all the pig farming chores and take care of his sister, right? And so the way they portray this is by having her try to do the, I guess,

shit-trailing. Shit-trailing. And she fucks it up, right? She gets a, a trowel full of shit down her shoe and freaks right the fuck out the same way that anyone in this goddamn room would right with a fucking Trialful of pig shit in their shoe This is a reasonable reaction He comes out there, he's outside the prank, that way for me I give you a trial. There's really no reason for you to do that you're moving the poop from here

There it's just pretty much the same spot the pigs don't mind. Yeah So okay, so now we're gonna cut to the pharmacy for a little bit more Exposition this is where we learn that there's a new kid coming into the orphanage and his mom is quote In jail on that crack business I put my nose on a million dollars, that's gonna be the black kid. I wrote in my notes, I was like, his mom works for the FBI.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. That's cool. The FBI introduced crack in the 19th. Okay. You're thinking of the CIA, and though they didn't. CIA, that's it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

It's a different lie that I think's funny. Yes, exactly. And the pharmacist is also like, she's like, yeah, you know, this new kid's coming in and he's going to have it really rough and they're going to send him to the farm upstairs. You know, the lady who runs the orphanage, of course, Lichem was telling me the other day, like she would much rather somebody kidnap the kids and trick them into thinking they were dead

than go to the evil farm upstairs. Well, that would be just morally permissible. I want to be like wow you said that every time I come in here that's weird. And then we get I would say probably the toughest scene in the movie because this is where we have to meet like the abused little girl and her abusive mom. They they come into the thing and the mom slaps or and everything. And there is a glorious second though in this scene where you think Kirk Cameron's gonna beat the shit up. The music goes like boop boop boop boop boop. And honestly if Kirk Cameron just run and

scissors kicks this woman in the chest. Right right. This is my favorite movie. Proving the scene or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I was hoping for a film. I'm gonna take it. By the way, you can beat up people who hit their kids because they agree with you that it's the best way to change someone's behavior. Hold on, I'm text in Andrew now. But I think you're right. I think you're right. That was my instinct tells me he's just gonna send a So but this was a really dark kind of moment for me like great because then the little girl walks out and everybody like

Kirk Cameron and his sister in the pharmacist of Sural stand around together and they're like oh That woman she's always hitting her kids and I'm like, and that's that that was the 80s, right? Where everybody knew that somebody was hitting her kids and all they did about it was fucking gossip. That's some sad shit. Anyway, started bringing mood down. So okay, so that night, Violet is saying her prayers. Kirk is watching her get into bed, like some kind of fucking creep.

It's a little weird. There's a lot of sexual attention between these two characters. A LOT! And she drops the character to do it? She'll be like, I don't like it when we're gonna... Audience at home, Elias now. Giving...

Giving the fuck me a... Holy POP! And Jesus! I mean, give me the fuck me. Holy fuck, Jesus. I long for a Folger's commercial. So. This movie was very narrow cast for Heath. That's what we're saying. So.

We switched out her lollipop for it. See if you notice this. So Jesus Christ. It's penis, See if you notice this. So, Jesus Christ. It's a penis, I was talking about this. Yep, Kirk Cameron's to be exact. And let's at least recognize, he was, he was cute as fuck back then, wasn't he? Oh, yeah. He was adorable.

Kirk Cameron? Yeah, huh? Oh, fucking movie. Even me growing bands. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yes. It was penis again. giving me grown pants. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

It was penis again. Thank you. Yes. Thank you, one person. Yeah. Audience at home, one person in the show, like that Joe. He meant penis.

It was front row though. So yeah. No, it's good. That's it. You can only get one. That's the one to get. It's all right. It's all right.

So. All right.'s the one to get. Why would you do the live show? Okay. All right, so she goes to bed. He goes downstairs to watch the news. He watches some news about how a child is beaten or molested every 13 seconds in this country and why it's gotten to be where they'd all be better off being kidnapped and taken to a home where they pretended they were dead and in heaven.

Well, there's one thing the news anchor says that I found very disturbing and goes, will it ever be possible to make laws to stop this? And I was like, did I miss something about the A's? Did we not have those? I feel like we had them. I feel like that was like the sixth law we came up with. Right? They were like murder, theft, government, taxes,

roads, and someone was like, hey man, you did roads before kid fucking. He was like, kid fucking, obviously. Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Right. But this is what the news guy is like, we need to make heaven honor by making laws against that. What can

you do and it's like saying it to Kirk Harmon. Right. And we watch Kirk Harmon be like, you're saying steal some orphans. God. Yes. And that's what he will do now. That's the plot of the movie. Yes. Is he steal orphans is what I say. That's really going to. Yep. Not just orphans, too. It's amazing. So, Kirk and Violet, they go to visit the orphanage, you know, because he's gotta find the right one. You don't just pick up any fucking orphanage. So, and this is where we introduce Janet, the fucking faux love interest.

Okay, I have so many theories about this love interest, because this scene, she is established as the love interest, obviously. And then literally, she vanishes from the movie. They'll be like, share an allergic reaction. Kirk Cameron's crying or whatever the fuck it is. They excuse they make a... I can only imagine that this woman either got food poisoning halfway through

or an alternative theory, which we will propose a little later. I think I share your alternative theory. Yeah, we'll learn about it. Well, almost act three. But anyway, so they go to the orphanage. We meet Janet. She's the social worker that's going to help transition because of the evil form of state.

So we cut to him. This is such a fucked up scene. We cut to Kirk Cameron checking the files on this new kid coming in to find out how much he weighs. So he knows how many rupees he's gonna have to give the kid to knock him out to make him maximally I'm not making it. He's flipping through a five. Okay this kids I only have one rag of ether that's way too big. Was anyone else picturing him like

going past my file and being like oh the, the like- Oh, fuck. No, what am I gonna tell people that I got horses on the farm? Wait, no, I'm- Jesse Smoll- No, don't get me wrong. I like it when they're big, because you know they're- Oh, Jesus Christ. They're happy. There we go, Jesse Smoll. So, he's just, Janet walks in while he's checking the files.

My file was fat too, because I don't know. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, so Janet walks in while he's checking the files. And he's like, oh, what was it doing? Anything suspicious? Were you? And she goes, no.

And he goes, where is the new kid? What bed will he be in for normal reasons? Just not. If you had to describe it, Matt, would it be like small, medium, like a one-ragger of easier? Never mind. Well, and this is the thing, because we read the blurb, we knew this was about him kidnapping kids making things they go to heaven, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But up until now, this is just a movie about him finding

the right orphan to Ruffy. Nope. Right, that's the movie that we're watching. Anybody, he fucking, he drugs a brownie price, blanking, and he goes style. Yes. And then he puts a note on it that says, don't tell.

Yes. Yes. Hey, hey, everybody, if you ever find a brownie that says don't tell, tell. Yes! Yes! Absolutely tell. Ah!

So he sneaks his eat me brownie under this kid's fucking pillow. We got to chlorosleechman closing out the night on the orphanage on a girth to quote. So weird. Of course, leechman's like, I'm doing my girth to though. Okay, god damn it. I'd like to wear kind of monologue. I'm a play I'm doing at the old Vic. Whatever you saying, Clarkson, they've been... Woo! So, okay. So that night we go back to the farm, violence and bad wishes that she lived at the orphanage

where all the awesome, unkid-napped kids are. Kirk tells her he's like, don't worry, I got a plan. Christmas is going to be fucking awesome. I'm going to kidnap some orphans. Yep. To be farm slaves, I'm gonna get an absolute laugh. Yep.

To be farm slaves, but also your friends. Right. Two birds. So we hadn't pointed that out yet. He keeps pointing out and I'll have more help on the farm. So he's playing on putting these fuckers to work. So. One of them will be Jesse Smallittett. So yep, yes, the first

impact. So okay, so we cut the Kirk out on his orphan-napping adventure. Now first thing he needs to do is create a distraction, right? Okay, but first we have to mention the music. I felt bad for the music, the soundtrack, music, the paid orchestra, whatever it was. They're just like, the director wrote down John T. Orphan Kidnapping music. What the fuck would that be? Oh, Bo Guy, do you have it? Well, piano, my, oh, okay.

Bo Peas, oh, yes. Oh, you know what, that's pretty good. That's pretty good, keep going with that. Bo, oh, this, oh, yes. You know what, that's pretty good. It's pretty good. Keep going, that. This is... So, okay. So he creates a distraction. He breaks open the chicken coop.

All the chickens escape. Everybody runs out to get the chickens except, of course, the kid who's eating the drug, browning. So then while they're all doing that, he runs upstairs. It's going to get so much fucking worse. Just... They don't have seat belts in these fucking things, but it is gonna get so much worse before it's all over.

So he runs upstairs, there's one kid sleeping, and he's sleeping because they have to do the ref fucking reveal where he posed on the sheet. So the kid's sleeping like a corpse in a goddamn morgue, right? He's got the sheet all the way up over him. And we got this incredible fucking moment. Yeah, right.

No, everybody who watches is like, they gotta get to that moment. They gotta address this moment in the movie. We're describing an orphan kidnapping, and it's about to get problematic. Yes. Yes. To be clear, it's with, we didn't get there yet.

We pose back the plate. And he goes, you're black! Okay, and then it's so much better. It's so much better than that because if that was the end of the scene, it'd be my favorite thing in my screen. Favorite? But then they spend six minutes of camera explaining to an unconscious black child How he doesn't have a problem Don't give me wrong, some of my best friends are here

He's just tried to do a secret handshake with a bouncer at a bar, he doesn't know What? I don't know what You know when you find one and you're like, oh, black, it's good. It's good. Like the large, when they're like, no, no. He actually says that. He says, it's cool that you're black.

Set Kirk Cameron to Jesse Smollett. Unconscious Jesse Smollett. Who was 12? Like this just gets worse and worse with every mile of my areas. I'd say like we know what that kind of trauma does to a kid, but now we know what that trauma does to a kid. And we support it. And we support it. All right. Scream Republicans for crimes.

But he does. That is the lesson of today. We're not even indicting the ones for the crimes we already know they fucking did. I mean, we don't need to... So we gotta get something out of them. Alright, now that's fair. That's where I heard it. Alright.

Well, now that Kirk Cameron is, I guess, made peace with Jesse's small-lets race, I guess we can do this. What happens in the fucking movie, back me up, people? We can take a quick break, but we're back soon with even more of a little piece of I guess we can tell that's what happens in the fucking movie back in the up people. We can take a quick break, pull it back soon with even more of a little piece of heaven. And then we stuff the goose, I'm sorry, into the partridge this can't be right. This is horrifying. Hey, folks, what do you have to? Oh, hey Noah, Ethan and I were just trying to make some,

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And I use HelloF Fresh Market all the time. Alright, well, I'm sold. Where do we sign up? Just go to HelloFresh.com, slash Offel 18 and use the code AllFel 18 for 18 free meals plus free shipping. So I go to HelloFresh.com slash Offel 18 and use code AllFel 18 for 18 free meals plus free shipping. That's right. Hello Fresh because nobody but a medieval torture or should have to spatchcock anything. And we can put that camera just right over there. Yeah, that'll be fun. Hey, fellas, got a second. Sure, Kirk, what's up? Sure, TV's Kirk Cameron. What's up? I'm not going to be doing that.

Right, right. So it's about the scene where I discover Salem. Right, so take him to the farm, sure. Yeah, I mean, wouldn't I be surprised that he was black? Why would that matter? You know, that's he's black. Right, no, we got that Kirk. Why would him being black be a problem for your character? But I mean, people notice, you know, black kid, I use black.

Black. Please stop saying black, please stop. Thank you. Okay, Kirk, you know what? We'll put something in the script to mention it. How about that? Awesome. Yeah, thanks, guys.

Also, did you get my notes on the lines? Yeah, we are running all of your suggestions best the ACLU and everyone that is in a hate crime, we're gonna try to use, okay? Well, how many are hate crimes now? Uh, that's all of them. Yeah, got it. Black. Okay. And we're back. So we're going to rejoin the action here back at the orphanage where Janet and Chloris Leachman are fretting over the newly missing kid. Right?

No, I need to argue with you on stage. What we call this friend? Chloris Leachman is like, yeah, that one's gonna win. Oh, but you know I won't. So, well, okay, all right, but see, here's the thing though, we get possibly the most disturbing line of the entire fucking movie, and that's saying something, in this scene right here, right?

Because the class of each minute is on the phone with the cops, and she says, and I quote, yes, his color should keep him from getting too far because chlorosoletion is on the phone with the cops and she says and I quote yes his color should keep him from getting too far in this community and the cops like that no of course i mean if you see something black you say something white and then not even allowed to grill out here. I mean, Jesus, what the hell? No, he's not going anywhere. Jesus Christ, that's terrifying. So then we cut up over to Kirk and violent at the farm, even violence like this is a stupid fucking idea. Man, what the hell were you thinking? And then

little Jussie comes down and wants to know what the fuck's going on. Now, I would point out at this point that when Kurt kidnapped me, forgot to get his baseball cards, and now the kid's really upset because he doesn't have his baseball cards. It's the only thing he owns because he's the Sorfin that goes from one or another or whatever, but there's no reason to point that up because it never fucking comes up again. Or matters in any way in this stupid ass movie, so I'm not gonna bother. I am gonna point out that the cake guy was like, also where are my shoes? Kirk took his shoes?

I am. Hey, man, did someone bathe me while I was sitting? No, Jesus Christ. Cause I am clean. It feels more of like a removed DNA evidence situation than okay All right clean situation. Oh You're made Casey Anthony Okay, interesting. I'm a line you found a line. Yeah, you've had an interesting line. I found the rooms like room was like

You got it you don't make fun of me see Anthony you always do Her and add not did not do it okay You those amics that was a mix show hands add none did it All right, all right, wow. Make our audience fight each other. So that's what the internet is for. Oh, and then my job is to transition back to this fucking movie, guys. It's harder than it looks. He does this every week.

You just told me. Yeah. So yeah, so we get Jussie and Kurt, they're fighting and everything. He's like, I'm leaving, man, this is some fucked up shit. Like, I don't know what I'm doing here. And Kurt's like, you can't leave because you died in a fucking fire last night. And this is heaven. That's the lie the man comes up with.

You know how they say the lies? People come up with and tell you a lot about their imagination. This movie indicates a really deep psychosis with incorrect Amherst's character. He was looking at Jesse Smollett and he was like, you are a murderer. He burned all over. To Chris. To that. God damn it yeah so yeah so yeah no that's that's his

lie he's like he and and and just he is suspicious he's like wait so you're telling me heaven is a fucking pig farm in rural upstate New York with you Kirk Cameron is heaven and a girl who still has her intellectual disability. Yes. Yes. Yes. Why would it smell like this man? So and and that's where Jesse Smolik was right. He's like he's asking for details like he's like okay so so wait so how did you die?

And of course, Kurt Cameron's character is so fucking stupid that he can't answer anything normal. He's like, shot in the head, a bank robbery, by pirates, and I was an ninja, and then I fucked a lady in Canada right before him. And then the bank robbery What it wasn't my sister? It was all the women that aren't my sister

All of them Except Chlor's leech man. Five Canadian orgasms. That's like seven America. And then this is where we get my best worst for the first of like 36 times where the kid says, you know, what would you be talking about? He's like, what are you talking about? And we're like, do shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch. And of course, you have to imagine the white guy riding the lines for Jesse Smollett's character as well.

You also have to imagine the moments where the white director and white cast came up to Jesse Smollett and they were like, oh you trust me, you're gonna be a real hoot in this movie, you talk very... Herb... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, go ahead. What were you going to say? You talk very in the movie, you, Jussie. You're talking a lot. You know how? You like Michael Jordan, right?

Love him. Love him. Oh, speaking of which, this is where Jussie's like, wait, if this is heaven, how come there aren't any other black people in it? Yes. And Kirk is, at first Kirk is like, well, you know, it's just, are you going to make me say it? And then, and then Jussie goes like, well, you know, it's just, are you gonna make me say it?

And then, and then, Josie goes like, well, but Martin Luther King would be here at least, right? And you watch Kirk Cameron be like, actually, no, he didn't make, nope, nope. No. He's around here somewhere. Yeah.

He says he's around here, which means that there is a scene somewhere where Kirk Cameron blacks up to convince Jesse, he's like, Jesse, stay in your room, guess who's here, Dr. Luther King. Well, hello, there's your scene. Okay, Eli, look into my heart. That exists on a cutting room. No, no.

That is 100%. I feel like in some unit, I can picture it. Can you picture her camera dressed as MLK? No question. That happened in re- He tried to improvise it. I feel like every time. Every time. Every time they ran too long, he was like,

we're alone. Just he smiled at punched in the face. And that's how they knew the shooting day was over. A little b7. Yeah, right. It's so, I don't want to, I don't want to call this the Mandela effect because it feels like a bad time to use that, but yes. You know, it's not, but the bears are Jewish.

It's five. It's memory to bears. Yep. So, okay. So that night, the broth of bears. The bearers. Yeah, the rush when they are. Yeah. The Jew bears. Yeah. The Jewish bearer. So that night... The broth of barons, the other restaurants.

You know the Jew bears? Yeah. They're Jewish bears. They know that. They go to heaven, they're obviously there. Austin. Alright. So that night...

It had more money than the other bears. Statistically? Statistically? They were clothed! I just... They work clothes. No, because if you think about it, Yogi really doesn't. Right, you're right. You're right. Smarter than your average.

Yeah, but not the smartest. Not the best. The birds, pretty good. They're the ones who do the thugs. That's what I'm saying. And then Yogi get below them. Oh, Jesus Christ. We'll just shop the rank right there.

Yeah, we'll go ahead. Let's move into a nice clean edit. So. Morgan just dives in front of us. Right, yeah, right. We need to start putting an NDA on the lot of fucking live show, signing shooters up there. A red laser dot appears on my forehead.

Yeah. No organ just whispers. It's the ultimate hitter. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Back to the left. Alright, so it's... Ha! Ha! Ha!

So that night, they're playing checkers. Jesse's still not buying all this heaven bullshit. Violet is also correcting his speech. And Jesse says, wait, you know what? I feel like, I feel like hell would be more fun than this. Is that, can I like, can I switch? And they say no. And so he storms off

Not the first or the last time someone said I would rather go to hell than hang out with So and then when he storms off the sister turns to when he's like What you should have got a girl You should a kidnap a girl surf Yeah surf and that will now be the plot. Yeah, so okay, so first we have to check back in the orphanage. This is where we have to meet the FBI officer whose name was obviously like somebody was trying to come up with it in a hurry like in a... Track! Don't say Daniels.

Daniel! Don't say Daniels. Daniels. Oh! His name's Jack Daniels. Seriously, the FBI. And the Biden never says Jack Daniels. Look at his not to make some stupid fucking joke, the movie never acknowledges it. Glorious Leachman does, though. Yeah, well.

She was like, you're lying, first of all, that's a liar name. And then she roasts physical appearance for like five minutes. And she's like, this is what I'm doing. I don't care. And then we'll do the scene after this Oh, yeah Jack Daniels. I'm Clara Sleechman See now we both said a stupid movie breaking name

She's tapping the lens of the camera So and this is also where we established that Janet, the social worker who we thought was the love interest at this point, has gone home with hives. There's no fucking reason for us to ever have that information. It doesn't matter. Yeah. But the FBI agent explains that, look, the kid that you're talking about, he's run away several times before, we have no reason to believe that he didn't run away this time.

And, of course, Liejman's like, I think with my gut. And my gut tells me, this is the whole plot of the fucking movie. They give her one of the worst lines ever written in a movie here. She goes, I always keep my promises. I promise you're wrong. What does that fucking mean? That means that she's like, if it turns out he ran away, I'm gonna kidnap him.

Yeah. Right? To make sure that you turn out to have messed wrong. Monkey paw shit, boy. Yeah. Right. I'm manifesting that child being kidnapped right now, so that I'm not wrong.

I'll secret the shit out of you. So, Jack Daniels. Your name's Chloris Leachman. So then we cut to a mysterious hooded figure leaving cookies for Kirk Cameron at the farm. That'll come back, it'll be important. But then we immediately, no. It'll be relevant. But then we moved, we immediately from immediately from that to violate the sister feeding those

cookies to the dog. Dogs eat the cookies though. Yeah, that's pretty good. I watched this over in Hoverry, it was awesome. Yeah, no. And then I spent like two hours watching a puppy eat lettuce on a TikTok. It's just a puppy and a thing. And I spent a long time.

So, it's a puppy. And what? Where did you get the lip? Yeah, right. Well, I mean, he doesn't have money. He brings it to his house. I think these people, he goes to a job. For money to buy lettuce. Not even talk food.

Oh, no. So Violet, she says, you know, these cookies are good. I found them on the porch. I'm going to pretend that I made the cookies because lying is OK now, right? Because we lied about the kid being in the house. So you know, Tango, what we weave and all that. It's a lot like Hamlet this time.

Exactly, exactly. So meanwhile, we cut to the barn and we have the seam. We're like, Josie is getting attacked by a pig. Right. Or staging it. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh. Knowing what we know now. Yeah. He's framing a pig. I don't know what you're saying. I said earlier. Yeah.

Stop pig did a hate crime. Ha ha. Prima probably. He's been famed. Ha ha ha. It's a song now, right? Yeah. Message and.

And again. Now I'm just messaging him an apology. I'm just, if you hear someone breathing into a paper bag in California, it's our attorney. So, okay, so then we cut to everybody having dinner. Kirk says grace, but then you know, he gets to the part of our father who art in having an ESD like, oh, where's supposed to be it having so he has to change in the last minute.

Very funny. He wears, it's how he works. And then Josie turns around and he looks at the table and he goes, this is not fucking heaven food. This looks like shitty white people, salt is the only spice mayonnaise, bullshit. That's gonna be clear. We're in heaven. I'm looking at meatloaf, jello, and milk.

Yeah. At a pig farm and I'm a surf here. Yeah. This is heaven. milk. Yeah. At a pig farm and I'm a surf here, this is heaven. That's heaven. Okay. Yes. Gonna frame you so hard for. There's fucking Kirk and his.

So he pushes over his plate. Dressed like MLK. Yes. I know it was you outside my room. My filelet storms out. Kirk angrily explains the golden rule. So he's teaching a morality, you know? He's learning valuable lessons.

Also, grammar. I feel like if someone tried to teach me morality while I was in heaven, I'd be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I already did it, my dude. It doesn't matter. It's fair. It's fair.

The game is one. What's this? Long division? Don't need it. Turned out that being a black orphan who steals baseball cards was my jam. Requirements met. Do you get to agree? So... I think that long division was your first example. What are you people waiting?

I was trying to think of a thing I didn't know. You were like, I hate long division. Okay. So okay. So, so the, he, Kirk goes up to talk to Violet and Violet says, look,

either you kidnap a little girl to go with Jossi or I'm out. So Kirk Cameron heads out to do that. To kidnap himself an eight year old girl. Again, the music is like, that's wacky, right? That's pretty wacky. They're just looking at their notes. Kidnapping a second orphan. We need to see cool.

Oh, boom, boom, boom. Speed it up. Boom, boom, boom. Speed it up. Boom, boom, boom. So now, but he's dressed as an angel this time, right? Because he's got his lie in advance. He's dressed as an angel. He also brought fucking raw steak to distract the guard dogs. It feels, I'm going to say something,

brave and honest and from my heart. I hope I really think you wouldn't. Morgan, just go ahead. It feels like he puts a lot more effort into kidnapping the white child. You're right, no, you're right. In retrospect, based on the two scenes, his heart wasn't in getting jussy.

Like if someone walked in, he'd be like, oh no, I didn't get jussy smile. That's, all right. back to rehearsal for Violet. He actually prays to God here. He does. He didn't pray when he was giving justy spot a prayer. He lit in a brownie like a dog

ground up into peanut butter. But at this moment, he's dressed like an angel and we watch him pray. He's like, hey God, okay, all right, this is a weird one. He's a weird one. This is a weird one. I know you're watching me right now. I'm just like an angel. I'm sneaking up on a little girl in the middle of the night. I have a rag of ether. Stay with me. Swipe this time.

Oh, yeah. God said yes. So yeah, so Kirk Cameron throws a rock in her window, which means he knows which bed the little girl sleeps in. Did not think about that. Oh. Now this is going to be this is the little abused girl from the pharmacy, right? So he's just taking this one from her parents. So he throws the thing on the window,

and she looks out, he turns on his halo. He's got little Christmas light halo So turns on his head what fuck he's plugged into I have no idea Just just these small sitting sick you know a fucking champion generator Bullshit man, he just fucking drugged me We ain't gonna make her eat nothing? I was sick for like six days man. Fucking Robert Kennedy Jr. me like fucking Marilyn Monroe and now she just gets a fucking

light show and an invitation. Okay. So, so she comes out to see him and he goes, he goes, little girl, you died last night. This is the conversation he asked with this little fucking girl to say, you died last night. You're appendix first and she looks as distressed as one should in that instance and he goes, oh, but there was no pain. Now it's fine.

He says, but you've died and I'm going to take you to heaven now. And she says, you know, well, my mama told me I was going to burn in hell. And I wrote my notes, yeah, it's sadistic as fuck to teach children that hell exists, isn't it? Well, because in the movie, her camera goes, oh, you know, a lot of grownups are wrong about hell. Children never go to hell and I wrote in my notes to be clear, Kurt Cameron no longer believes. That is the case, yes.

Kurt Cameron goes back and watches little piece of heaven and watches this scene and goes, oh now that's problematic. addict. This movie doesn't hold up. I'm gonna take your video. Hey, J-Dog, it's watching our movie again. Didn't hear from you from that lunch invite. I hope you have fun hanging around. So they wander off together. She wants to be called Princess now. So they drive in. He's put up a big sign that says, have been over and big lights again didn't do that shit for Josie.

I wanted the end to be out, it's just heave. Okay. Just give me a second. It is having the neon. You just, I don't know if he won the light. Just out on the light. Just out on the light. What the fuck?

Run on the treadmill, Josie. So he plops at the little throw. The little girl decides that she wants her new name to be princess, right? So her name is princess now I wrote my notes. Okay, but if you change it to a symbol We're gonna let the Jehovah's Witnesses O.D. You on pain. Jesus I didn't the Jehovah's Witnesses killed Prince not mean if he had been an atheist He's a one that killed Prince aren't you?

Were you the operative? Oh my God. That's awesome. So, so I do, we do, you do enough live shows, you know, you meet all kinds of people. You meet the person who OG Prince. Yeah, right. Where the Jehovah's Witnesses. So, okay. So, he plops Princess down in the Beddck Cross from Violet and then he puts, puts just you to work in the beddck cross from Violet and then he puts, puts Jesse to work in the pig fence and more. The job he's got for him today is murdering birds, murdering, I guess. Um, nice. Ah, murdering.

So he gives him a little pellet gun and he's like, you need to kill all the starlings in the, in the eats. Er, those shit in the pigs, and the pigs will eat it, and they'll get sick, and they'll die. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, The pigs are in it, heaven. The pigs are in hell. It's because they were all had a file. That went better than I expected. I've asked what you were expecting, but I don't want to know.

You know. Yeah, no. Why do you think that pig was so aggressive? So. So it knows. Yeah, no, no. Why do you think that pig was so aggressive? Yeah, nothing. So I thought this was interesting. This is the other moment that Kirk finds problematic, right? Because this is the part where he's like, uh, he's like, wait, the birds die in heaven. And he's like, no, no, God recycles the birds. See, God's been doing this recycling thing way longer than we have.

And I wrote my notes. It's like, wow, back in 1991, you can make a pro recycling reference without losing your Christian audience. Times have really changed. I need to make America great again. I have some trading cards to sell you backstage. All right, so we cut to the next morning. Jesse has given Princess a little bit of a heaven orientation. This is where they finally realized they had to acknowledge he's like, oh, I went out and bought some clothes for Princess this morning, because I have to acknowledge

at some point that you have all the stuff would have to come from somewhere that they have for these kids. Right, which means there's a missing scene where Kurt Cameron was buying little girls clothing and they were like, it's the 80s, it's fine. It's the 80s. Yeah, right, right. I like that there's a laundry day in heaven. It's just like everybody wearing shitty sweatpants like that last one. I feel like in heaven you're always wearing shitty sweatpants, right? Okay, all right. Yeah. I'm in heaven.

Do you think everyone's wearing what do you like? Honestly, so comfy on the outside, section on the inside. Yeah, no, that's right. That sounds right. A lot of people would wear to heaven. Cutting right into his ass this whole time. So because you don't want to wear the sex shit in front of grandma's ghost, right? No, I get it.

You want to wear it, you just don't want her to see. Right, no, yeah, exactly. This is best of both worlds. So, again, heaven? And then there's a... I mean, not my grandma? Me, a bestler? Yeah, okay.

All right. Also, I mean, Jewish. Also Jewish also but mostly Like you tell a wishy washi crazy everybody go you show her some bank accounts and I'll be like okay grandma All right, so So they're all sitting around All right, so they're all sitting around They're all sitting around like introducing Princess the idea of pig farm heaven and there's a knock on the door and it is Kirk Cameron's real life wife

Chelsea noble at Joining us tonight We could have got her really I I think that's honestly right. We've got at least got the cam you had to play for you or something. Yeah. We got a third of a bottle of lemon lime tea, right? But yes, we are 56 minutes into the spucking movie and we're introducing the love interest. It wasn't Janet at all.

Which means this is where your theory comes in your other theory. Yeah. It means that Kurt Cameron was running lines one night and he was like, Janet, it's so lovely to be on this date with you and she was like, you're dating another woman and he was like, um, in the movie and she was like, not if I have anything to say about it. Yes. Yes! Right a neighbor into the movie. That's me. Yes! You fuck me now.

Yeah, she parches into the fucking shot. She's just like, no, I'm the love interest now. He's like, I guess you're in love interest now. And of course, he can't let it her see. She's the sexy neighbor that lives next door, I guess, or whatever. He can't let her see all the kids that he's kidnapped. So he's trying to like push them away with his foot,

and only hold the door open a little bit, you know, whatever. That was really, I was just kicking, I was just kicking, you can't see it, it was for me. You got a picture of him. I'm the kidnap orphan anyway. You're right, no, you give me a, I want to be a comment no, I got one. Give you one of the comment pizza. Right, so.

Comment ping pong and know it isn't. So, yeah, so just he's tugging in his pant leg, trying to drag him away from the door. He goes away from the door. He comes back and tells us that, oh, my cousin has measles so you can't comment. She's like, that's all right. I was done with this scene anyway.

I'll be back later when it makes more sense. So then we get a stupid fucking scene with course, Leachman. They're so depressing. I want to skip over a lot of these. So we get Kurt Cameron going for a walk with Chelsea, with a neighbor lady, calling in love, whatever, whatever. And she's trying so hard.

She goes, did you get the cookies that I sent you that had my phone number? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got them. Yeah, if you've ever watched Heath be flirted with. Okay. I didn't, I felt like I was. I was go to the expert, he's mom. I love how consistently she has on our side of these jokes. I'm gonna run over since she can dox you later. I didn't give a no fake fucking name.

Pushed you out of me for seven and a half hours, you know, pick your own name. What are you, share? You know, even the woman, the bell's under his shirt. What do you share? You're not even the one with the bells under his shirt. What do you have to hide? I'm the one who's changed my name. So, okay, so think of one there walk. We get a quick scene and a dressing. First show for our mom, this is fun.

Yeah, this is fun. Yeah. This is gonna pay for your, no, it's not. This is the one. I'm gonna need you to pay for my retirement. You know. I love you. Aw. That was not heathsmop. Yeah, you did well.

No, of course it wasn't. That was April Ball. That's the thing. I love you too. Our all-time favorite. You guys are all tied for second. You're fine. So, yes.

So, tattoo our logo on your body. second. You're fine. So, yeah, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so I'm like, I'm a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little What's happening right now? It got sexual right? All right, I don't mind a little meringue around the

I was trying to do the math. I'm rank come and you were faster. Yep. That's a that's a prize. Well, the rank is a Dracula. Yep, so, yep. Yep. It's a quick math, actually. I have a weird job. I'm the rank. No. So yeah, but Violet Panics, where she's like, we can't have chorus. Leachman come by.

She'll notice all these orphans that we've stolen. And she's like, you can't come by. You can't come by. We're going on a trip. She hangs up the phone. And then we cut to cores. Okay, so in these scenes that I've been skipping with, of course, Lichman, her and the FBI agent have become, she's become his reluctant sidekick, right?

Constantly. She keeps showing up and she's like, I'm with you now and he's like, all right, well, you know, as an FBI agent, I am obligated to take on the nearest comic sidekick. Which I will be trying by the way. The next time there's like a graphic child murder, I'm just gonna show up and be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm part of it now. They're like, arrest that guy. He absolutely did it. He had a jingle. Right. You can't have a jingle for that. He had bells on under his collar. He crossed me.

Look, frame him. He did something. He did something. He's like a cop. Just trust me. He did it. There's also this weird moment where she's like, they're talking about the little girl getting kidnapped,

the princess getting kidnapped. And they're like, you know, it would have been really loud. I'm surprised your parents didn't hear. And they have this whole bit where he's like, well, you know, drunks don't hear things very well. Is that true? He's, you, what? Is that why you don't ask? That's, just thinking maybe that's why it doesn't return my texts. You can't hear that they're coming in. Maybe feel better. But it's hilarious, because they're doing this whole bit about how like, well, you know, she's like, well, I've never really known alcoholics.

And he's like, I know, my whole family's like, I'll say, your name is Jack Daniels, man. Stop. Enough. Which makes the name actually funny, if you think of the better name. Yeah, right, right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I just got a fun. I just got a fun. if you think of the better way. Yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, we learned that FB, the Jack Daniels was also adopted. Yeah, and Cloris Leachman likes that. Oh, yeah.

I wrote my notes, Sploosh, and then I was like, well, it's Cloris Leachman, so... Spl-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s- situation. More of like a rap. Really? So she's like, oh well now that I know you're adopted, it's okay for me to tell you that Kirk Cameron was also at the orphanage, the ninth at Jussie Small, it went missing. No fucking idea why that would be a there for type situation. If they're like a code of trust between adopted people and like adoption people, I guess. Or something. I that's what the movie's going for, but I don't know. But I think this movie thinks that it's just moved the plot along, and I don't have the hard to tell it otherwise.

So we're going to call that the end to act two, but first of all, we have to act three of the hard style here. Will Jussi Smollett's bird shooting skills come in handy later? Will he in Kirk's here a relevant bird killing bond before this movie's over? Did that scene really exist for its own fucking sake? By now the answers to these questions and more, when we return for the even more felonious conclusion of a little piece of habit.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! This episode of Sponsored by BetterHelp. 34, 36. Oh, here it is. Yeah, 38 maple drive. Oh, hey, dude, you like, what are you doing in front of Cecil's house? Oh, I do this every Christmas.

I ring the bell and then I hold up a series of signs about how he should be my best friend because it's Christmas. Like now's the time to be honest about it. That's super, not healthy. What? No, it's from the movie. It's like a super cool. Yeah, yeah, no, I know the reference you're making.

It's super weird in that movie too. Hi, I'm Noah Luzzins. As this ever happened to you, you consumed several decades of so-called romantic media that's actually just demonstrable stalking behavior. And now you don't know how to properly court people and don't understand that telling your best friend's wife you secretly lover is inappropriate, well then you might need therapy. And there's no better way to get it than better help. As the world's largest therapy service, better help is match three million people with

professionally licensed and better therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just feel at a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better help, help.com slash awful. Oh, so I guess I probably shouldn't do the thing with the signs then.

No, you should not. Okay. Hey, Keith, what are you doing at Seasles House tonight anyways? Oh yeah, he's having a Christmas. I'm also, I was just gonna do the sign thing to me also. Oh, well, where are your signs? I forgot, I forgot my car, I gotta grab him. No worries, yeah, well, I'm gonna head home, I'll see ya.

Yep, yeah, I'll just catch up with you. Is that a bottle of eggnog? Yeah, yeah, this is for me to drink now outside. Okay. Mm, thick. Ha ha ha ha ha. Alright, man, I'm outta here. Wait, tell him you can't go.

Oh yeah, why not? Cause, cause you're dead. I'm dead? Yep,, because you're dead. I'm dead? Yep, yep, you're dead. This is heaven and you have to stay here forever and do the, the heaven pig chores. Hmm, that doesn't sound like heaven to me. Nope, that's, yeah, I hear it does not. But, but if you do your heaven pig chores, you might get a visit from an angel with

an intendo in heaven. Okay, I don't know about that, but at least I can't die, right? No, no, but you can heaven die and then you would go to hell. So wait, people who die in heaven go to hell. Yep. Yep, and they do not get any of The angel and intendos I was talking about Hey, man, can I be honest with you sure. Yeah, what's up? I? 100% believe you yeah, go abilities kind of gonna be a problem for you later in life What nothing nothing yeah, don't worry about it. You Kinda gonna be a problem for you later in life. What?

Nothing, nothing. Yeah, don't worry about it. You're gonna be awesome. And we're back live from the Big Apple! And we're gonna rejoin the action here with Chloris trying to get Kirk on the phone and FBI Jack, Jack Daniels gets more so fucking stupid. He's getting more and more suspicious by the minute. He's, I guess, redusting all the fingerprint areas now

looking for Kirk Cameron's fingerprints. And he finds them. Yes, he does. And he's like, well, I have no idea what to do with these. I remember, you know, you can just go place. This is a cop, right? Like, I know you need a warrant to like kick down the door and ship, but you can be like, kids?

Yeah, right. Do you have any kids? Exactly. Now, and I agree with you. I think I, there's a whole new level of suspicion warranted when you find out Kirk Cameron's involved in something. So I get it.

There's this weird moment where Janet like weeps for the love interest that she could have been, I guess. You know, he's like, there's these weird smudges on the kid's bio and Janet's like, that's from my tears, right? Cry it over it. After you died and the guys like, relax your name and the fucking love interest.

Okay, you love the third female lead in this movie. There's a phrase right there. So much. Just, you know what? Jesus. That happens. So the FBI agent, he's gonna go see Kirk and find out for sure, God damn it. And Chloris is going with them,

because Jesus, I can't. She's the best with you. She's like, I am a cop. Yes, I am. I am a cop too. I'm going with him. Okay, I mean, we're gonna Chloris with him right here. I am a cop too. I'm going with him. Okay, I mean, we're going to close with him. Yeah, right.

I'm going to say I'm a fire truck. Make the noise. So, okay. So now we cut to Kirk's boring ass fucking date with Chelsea. Like, I love that these two are married. And Kirk is like 19 at this point, right? Like, so they can't be, I've been married for more than six fucking months.

And there is no chemistry whatsoever. I like the first thing she says. She's like, so I have a live parents, you. Out. He's like zero, you have two. So having dead parents, that's part of this, a bummer, huh? So yeah, there is.

She does the major look thing. Oh, I wanted to go. Classic. I wanted so badly for him to start like hysterically crying. I'm sorry, I said the temptation to the devil begin with theception. She's like, oh fuck. Oh, man. I just wanted some farm boy dick shit.

How old's the black kid? Is he? Do you say 12? Oh. So that's all right. Jesus Christ. I'm a Christian. So as long as he gets up in the first 24 hours,

yeah, right now. So meanwhile, OK, so Clarice and FBI Jack are driving a Kirk's farm. She's telling him the first half of Kirk's backstort, right? His adoption backstort, that she was going to adopt him, but then his parents had one of them, you know, and they needed a real kid that worked. Yes. The legit story. She was like, you know, after they rolled snake hives,

if you know what I'm saying. Yes. I felt so bad taking a good one, you know? Oh, no. There's nobody like, nobody likes to be like, oh, what's that more blocks? All right. Wow.

It's such a... I wanted to balance it out. And for his part, Jack Daniels is going like, who he's talking about the fucking weather or something, man? And we, it's like me trying to host this fucking show. He literally does, she goes like, but the luma's just so sad I gave him away. He's the only one I've ever wanted to keep.

Two, three, four. It's snowing outside. It is. Because chlorosolage was allowed to improvise all for life and moving. Yeah, right. Right. She was black out drunk the entire time. Yeah, and Jack Daniels wasn't.

Yeah, yeah, just say whatever it was. He was the author of the moving. Yeah. Desperately trying to keep his masterpiece on track. So, okay, so then we cut back to the house, so Kirk is still out on the state. Now, Violet is at home with the kids. There's a knock on the door when when Chloris and Jack Daniels get there. Now, she has to lie, right?

She has to go to the door in line. She's not very good at it. Okay, this is not the first scene, but definitely the most obvious scene where I feel like part of this movie's mythos is that intellectually disabled people can't lie like a magical curse. Right, right, like liar liar. Right, we try our watching and she's like,

the bib bib bib bib is blue! It's very, it's problematic to a different magical to create these. But yeah, but so she's like, they're like, do you remember kidnapped? Get it here, do you? And she's like, do you? Do you?

You have kidnapped? Because you got to do it. Now, I will point out that in this scene and the last scene, Violet does do a better job of lying than Kirk Cameron. She does, right, right, because she doesn't tell the chlorosleachment you're dead and they have them now. Yeah.

She doesn't invoke the supernatural at all. Right, right, exactly. they have it now. Yeah. She doesn't even vote for supernatural at all. Right, right, exactly. She's like, you can't come in and they're like, okay, bye. And he's like, she's like, see? No gods, no angels. Didn't have plenty of that. Just no thanks.

Yeah. So yeah, so but Jack Daniels, he can tell there's something going on there. But you know, what are a couple of orphan kidnapped kids? He'll come back tomorrow. Let this stew for a little bit. He's like Mr. Roper in this scene. He's like, he's Mr. Roper's going to find

about the orphan kidnaps. And the musician said to do that music again, which was fun. I'll come back later. So they leave and Violet turns to the two kids, and she's like, OK, my brother hasn't been entirely honest with you. I'm going to cut the scene there. Right? But the next morning he wakes up, a Kirk wakes up and it turns out that she's actually told the new additional lies.

She's made it even more complicated. She's built like a weird D&D mythos that he's got to do. Right. Yeah, Jossi's mom was like, no, she explained to us about the good angels and the bad angels and how they're at war and heaven and everything. And I'm like, Jossi, do you want to get a fucking schism? Because this is how you get a fucking schism.

Now the wand of seven part, the seventh part is broken in half. And there's eight, so it does make sense. For seven. That's the seven. Yeah. I really wanted her to just make up a bunch of embarrassing lies for Kirk.

Like, Josie comes up and he's like, hey, man, she told us that you have to do the mock arena every 48 seconds, so you'll die. Hey, Kirk, Cameron's just like, yeah, I know you're right, man. I do have to do the mock arena every. It's being in the mock arena side note. I have shenanigans time. I have decided to tell my son one lie.

And that is whenever the mock arena comes on and his baby makes music, I tell him that I created the mock arena. So that at some point in my son's life, the Macarena will come on. And he'll be like, my dad didn't do that. And everyone will be like, what the fuck? You like pieces of shit.

Because what would be the point of having a kid if you couldn't prank more of the motherfucker, right? Exactly, right? So, right, he's mom. So, you laugh, but like, six of the parents in this room are like, I'm absolutely doing that. Yeah, that's right. Fuck yeah.

Two in that. I'm texting my son right. He's 15. I'm texting him right now. Did you know? So meanwhile, so FBI Jack, he's through fucking around. Right. He's going back to this house now is the next day, I guess, and he's going to find those

orphan kids in Kirk's fucking basement. And Glorz Lichman is like, no, I'm, and he's gonna find those orphan kids in Kirk's fucking basement. And Glorz Lichman is like, no, I'm sure that they'll be fine. There's no hurry. He's like, what if he's murder, a kid murder? And she's like, that would explain a lot. No. I want to clarify that Jack Daniels, through the rest of this film, through every second of the rest of this film, will do nothing but. The darkest, yes. Psychosexual horrors.

Yes, out loud. In this made for TV film. And this is the way it was like, no, trust me, he is fucking the shit. I don't know. They're barely human at this point. They're mostly... Jesus Christ.

At what point? It's like the shipathesia's but with common children. That's what I'm telling you. Oh, Jesus Christ, too! I have to tell you what it says in the movie. I didn't say it. The movie's the exact quote. It's the ship of these little but with common children.

Dash, little piece of heaven. Okay. I have to wait until the laughter dies down. I can explain it to you. What did on IMD be? So... So, okay. Okay. I have to wait until the laughter dies down. He can be like, I am DB. So. So okay, so Kurt goes out to, we get Kurt going out to the barn to confront by a little about all the new extra lies that she's told.

Right. Those are to fuck all the way off. And she's like, you know, honestly, my lies are way better than yours. But it's just, you know, that's just how it is. But before he can correct her, Chelsea shows up. I guess she shows up in the barn and we have to have the whole weird moment where

oh, it's just getting to be too much and you can't keep track of all the different lives. Jessie comes out to her and she says, wait a minute, how did you die? And she goes, bang and what? Wait a minute. And Kurt goes, oh, it's just a game violent made up. Classic game of death.

Yeah. Improv troop, we're just doing a bit. Don't worry about it. All right, everybody, thanks for coming out. We are slam-fam. Yes, sir. We're going to need a location and a way that you die. I heard cancer.

I'm in pain. Oh. All right. But then she's like, you know, he's like, hey, can you like leave this scene and come back in a different scene now that you've served your purpose? She's like, I sure can. Sure can. That's all I'm going to do in this film actually. So then we got to close in the FBI agent. They got a fucking flat tire on the way to us. I like, what a stupid shit-ass stupid fucking thing to put in your goddamn movie.

Right. They have them leave later or something or that be further away Right, and it's again only so that they can have a conversation where she's like no, I assure you This is probably just an adorable plot of a Christmas movie and he's like trust me people kill kids way more often Then they kidnapped them especially around Christmas I don't know what it is, but that weird tell you know where you're kind of half-assing in at work between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Petafiles are the opposite. They're just, that's it. They get to work. He says he's fixing the tire and he goes like, oh, at this point, the backup, the SWAT team's gonna get there before we get there.

Right? And she's like, you called backup. She seems like just like offended. Right? Like, you don't think I can fucking handle this? I've been your sidekick for this whole fucking movie. Of course, fucking beast. I have seven amies. I escaped out of that straight jacket at the beginning of the movie.

Remember, slammed my shoulder into the lock. Oh my God, crazy billionaire relaying. Lethal weapon, poor. Chloros leachman is both Mel Gibson and... Gettley, Gettley. Fuck yes. And everyone else? A muppet.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're getting all of that. The way it's called leech back. That was worth coming back. They're medically important. I was literally gonna choke on my own vomit.

No, yeah, you're good. We're running long and it's worth it. It's fine. I'm good with that. Also, Kurt tries to leave the fucking dog at this point. He's like, the dog can't come and everyone, like the heath goes, fuck you loud enough that he's like, fine, I don't, come, Jesus.

Jesus. He leaves a note on the rusty tractor for Chelsea. He told her, he told her, meet me at the rusty tractor later, and now he's gonna leave her a little note. What would that note say? I don't know. It would describe,

you're gonna be a fugitive kidnapper of orphans now. I wanna continue our flirtation though. So meet us at a motel. Oh yeah, right, right. Meet me later at the motel while I'm on the run for the law. For kidnapping children, yeah. And she'll go. Yes, she does.

Well, okay, that is the most realistic thing about the movie, because everyone knows that's how Chelsea and Elbow and Kirk Cameron met in real life. Yeah, so then we cut to her and this is a weird fucking decision. She has two dead ducks in a bag. Again, I am not making any of this shit up. She has two dead ducks in a bag and she's walking down the thing, she's going like, hey, Kirk, how do you like that, you're dead ducks? Do you like that? I have multiple. I have too many dead ducks.

Hey, Kirk, I have too many dead ducks. You know what, live ducks? I have the opposite. You know that time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, where all the ducks just seem super fragile, and you feel more alive by them not being? What did she learn to flirt flirt from a fucking pet cat? She's saying, I bought you dead animals.

So the Heath and Wright School of flirtation. Right? And? What is that? Never help. She just flipped Heath the double bird for those you can see it I get some duck now she's tearing up his baby pictures That's not so okay So Kirk and the gang get away in the naked time

So Kirk and the gang get away in the naked time. Chelsea comes across the notes so she's in the know now. We cut back to the camper and this is so they put the the sister and princess in the back of the camper with the dog. Not quite the back of the truck but not quite the back of the truck either. They weren't strapped to the top like Mitt Romney at least. Yeah, that's good. It's close. Yeah, no you're right. Could be worse.

So, and then, and Josie is in the front seat that like sitting down in the floorboards with his pellet gun, by the way. All I wanted was, it's a weird thing. I wanted Josie Smollett to shoot Kirk Cameron in the face with a gun. And I wrote that down, and then I was like, that's a weird sense to write down.

You're like, but I do. But it is what I want. All the club, buddy. Right? Yeah. So Kurt Cameron explains at this point that no, they weren't really in heaven this whole time. He's not really dad.

He's been making this shit up the whole time. He's really a kidnapper. And just he's like, yeah, I know it would be this many fucking white people if it was heaven. That's come on. Come on. But he's like, but it is a real FBI chase. Though that's pretty exciting, right?

And he's like, but I'm not. I'm the hostage. Oh, it's good. Dude, what the fuck? You're going to be on the news. Your name's going to be blue on Wikipedia. He's such a screw. Oh, interesting.

All right. All right. Child death. OK. The annotation of. All right. All right. All right. Child death, okay. The annotation of it into the internet. It's not so much history. Don't keep a record. Oh. I'm really kind of hurt.

I ain't hurtling. I think we can all agree with a child dies because you just let it go. Ha, ha, ha. As a society. He's what my audience thinks, apparently. Oh. So, all right, all right.

Wow. So meanwhile, Clarice and FBI Jack are searching to his empty house now. They love, they let and heard do part of the search. Right? Like he's just downstairs with the SWAT team or whatever. He's like, let Clarloris do a room. Guys, just please, please. She really wants to see my son. She's my old lady friend.

She'd like to be part of me. The 75 people that we now have in Kirk's living room run in this operation. And this is, of course, they find that he's got his phone locked away in the basement, which is a super kidnapping thing to do Right one of the FBI agents comes in at this point he goes, sir. We found a couple of dead ducks in a bag We don't know what the fuck's going on now. Do you think the neighbors trying to get some dick? I don't know How's that fit into this plot? Jack uses this as a moment, right? He looks at Clarice, he's like,

oh, look who's taking tiny lives, huh? Oh, yeah, right, right. Somebody was wrong while we were changing the tire. I'm not gonna rub it in, cause I don't want to be in trouble. Yes. So, okay, so we cut back to the truck. Justin has not amused.

He's like, hey man, like, you know, that's a pretty fucked up thing to do. And he's like, you way better off than you would be at the farm up state. That's debt. Okay, that's just a euphemism for debt. But Jesse doesn't believe him, and he doesn't believe that this is a good thing. And he's like, but I knew it wasn't heaven because I don't believe in God. Right?

Yeah, it's getting serious now. And he says, what, you don't believe in God? He's like, God can't answer prayers. I prayed for a fucking donut. And that guy couldn't even handle it. And I'm like, that's pretty fucking good, Justin. Yes? You're right, yeah, I mean, I could get you a fucking donut.

I'm not, I'm nipin' it. Pulse out a pair of dice. I'm about to fuck up your world view my dude. Are you ready? So yes. No, but here's the fucked up answer that Kirk Cameron gives. Yes. He goes, oh, God answered your prayers.

He just said no. And look, I know in the context of this movie, it's about a donut. But what we know about this child is that he's an orphanage, whose mom is in jail for the crack. Yep. He probably also pray for some non-donut-related activities. Not getting kidnapped with a quailoo back to Cameron.

Right. God said no. Oh, right. Right. And the answer from Kirkhamon was prayed better though. Right. Sometimes when he has for a donut, God sends you a quailude brownie, yeah. So. Oh, who wants to buy that pillow out in the lobby?

Put it on a sweater for Gam Gam for Diane. So meanwhile, okay. So the FBI is still. So when you pray for a donut, God sends you a quailude brown. So. But God sends you a quated brown. So, and there's like a snowy cabin. So, meanwhile, the FBI, I love it, Morgan, so there's no, you know there's no fucking way

you're gonna get done by none. I'm like, no, we'll get by done. What are we gonna do? So meanwhile, the FBI's coordinating their man hunt from first dining room. So, Ploris once again points out, you know, he's not really the kid napping type. They're like, he ran from us with children that he took.

This is definition on that, why are you still saying this? You literally cannot be right. FBI Jack is like, he's gonna murder suicide at the end of this fucking movie. It real quote from the movie. Again, this children, the little piece of heaven with TV's Kirk Cameron. Well, he'll kill those kids and then he'll kill himself

after he does a mass shooting at a school. Yes, that's really how he says. Zacharyth, let's cut to a commercial for AIDS. Who could put up a role? Drink your oval team. Taste something sweet before the dark. And then we get Kirk and the gang there at a motel now. And this is so fucking stupid.

What is stupid addition to your goddamn script? Kirk has run out of gas. At a motel parking lot, yes. Serena, I guess, as he pulled into the spot, he must have run out of, or they pushed the camera there. Okay. So, he's like, I'll have to walk to the station the next day. And, and, and, and Jesse smells like, oh, I guess this will be pivotal to the plot in some way, huh?

And this one matter? He goes, no, we're actually going to get caught right here. We're never going to move this vehicle again. This has no purpose whatsoever. But just then there's a, oh, the game comes in and he's like, hey, I found some stuff in your truck, including this giant knife. And Kurt Cameron thinks that picks it up and looks at it like he's thinking Speak great Murder suicide and really honestly like we might as well see like do do do to the guy being like he's gonna kill those

Just a flash forward to him wearing justy as a suit I'd fuck me I'd pick a. Yeah. Shit. What? I'd fake a hate crime against me. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Now I see why I didn't take a new solve. It's because it looks amazing. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. I get them finding it. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. So, but in addition to a giant knife, that again, we'll knock factor into the plot. And anyway, he also found a letter from Kirk Cameron's birth mother, right, that he'd, that Kirk had never read before. Oh, it's as bad as you think it is in that cell. But before we can get to that,

there's a knock at the motel door. It's Chelsea the love interest. He called her and he's like, Hey, you know, I'm in a motel with a couple of kid and app children you want to come by. And she's like, yeah, I want to come by. You had me at motel. You don't have any like dead docks.

Cause I'm in a motel room with two children. And she shows up. Yep, sure did. Boo. He boo. I'm with the audience. I'm just telling you I'm reflecting for audience. I'm just telling you, I'm reflecting for you. I'm helping you.

So then we, we cut back to the FBI team, and Claw says, like, all right, all right, murderous suicide. You got me. He has a camper. There's the license plate, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And then we cut back to the hotel where Chelsea seems surprisingly cool with him being a serial kidnapper. But she does ask ask she's like so

you know Why All this a whole Yeah, right why the script so dumb It's like well, you know you still won because you know I just wonder if you could get away with it and then what's it? Oh, man? It's really addictive Then it gives you a break from work because you're like, oh, I'm taking my 15, I'm gonna kidnap a kid.

Yeah. And then you can't eat if you haven't had one. Oh, I feel like I'm just getting awfully confessional. But then he gets Chelsea to read him the letter from his biological mother. And this is just like the writer just go in like Wait, is it sad enough yet? No, no, so you want to make a sadder? It's great because she's like so you know, I'm 13 years old and I'm an orphan and I was raped and I'm blind

And I'm blind. She talks about being blind, like me trying to start a fight with Tim on our Facebook Instagram. Oh boy, do I hate being blind? Let me tell you, what a real blindo I am. I looked up some slurs for blindos online. A real nocy. At one point she says, I'm glad I'm blind because if I saw you I wouldn't have had the strength to give you away implied sentence but luckily I am blind. But of course the whole story that it's like, oh, this is really sad, but the thing that

sad is that there's a taboo of it, I guess abortion, and that it's poor fucking girl just didn't get an abortion, right? That's the terrifying and sad thing in here, but of course they're not going to admit that. And she ends the letter. Can I talk about the way she ends the letter? Oh, yeah, yeah. Giving you up is harder even than being blind.

Tim, you've done both. Just kidding. You give it up, Kirk came and everything. He kept the kid. So, James was a son. Sometimes I'm like, I'm a big, telling joke. And then I don't. I'm like, oh no! That was just a lie.

But now I think it's funny, so I'm just going to keep saying, you are. You sure are, ask Andy Wilson. So, and then, but then they get to the end of the letter and the FBI agents scream over a megaphone, Kurt Cameron, we know you're in there with the kidnapped kids. There's only like six minutes left in this movie. We need to wrap it up. So you have three minutes to release the hostages

or we're coming in after you. Do they give you time to tell me like that? Exactly. On the megaphone, the FBI, you have three. We brought a clock from the local high school basketball. Right. Yes. Look, you have to release the shot before.

Yes. You have three minutes for daynouma speeches. Yes. Awesome. We're doing a wake-up motel. I was rooting so hard for a wake-up motel. Oh, yeah. So hard.

Reno just drives the tech over her camera. Yeah. I'm really good. All right, so Janet Reno jokes they're all about. So, we're doing a younger member of our audience. Janet Reno. Was the attorney? Jan, wow.

Oh my god, you got it. Holy shit. Under which president? Bill Clinton. Yes. Yes. You're right in the form, man. No, but it's more important.

She drove a tank over children, which is very funny. Yeah, I know., she did that's accurate. It's very funny because the parents were like you'll be safe here And she did it on TV we were like, oh she was like what is you fucking On the original Reno 911 No Reno 9-1-1, pale! Oh, no! Oh, no! And hey, can I say, we will kill your children on national television. This is crazy. It worked on crazy Christians for like three years.

Three years. They were like, we're fine. We're just going to read our sad book. We're just, we're good. Our guy's on a T. It's fine. Well, better behave for Janet Reno's coming. Finish your carrot, or Janet Reno, who creeps through the window. Okay, so he brings Princess up to speed real quick. He's like, I'm so sorry that this all

had to come to a head before you could serve any purpose in this movie. And the guy comes in and it's like, we're down to two minutes now. Okay, this was the best because he was like, he had his three minutes to do speeches. So he's like, here's the thing everybody. I wanted a family, I should have asked before, kidnap. You have two minutes left. And he's like, yeah, sorry, okay, two minutes left. I should have at, you have one minute left. It was so fat, he's like, what the fuck is happening?

All right, we're going out, Jesse, you wanna do like Blase of Glory? Yeah. No, I timed it, it was 21 seconds between the two. I wanted them to send out Jesse first to cops shoot him. Yeah. So we got him. Everyone else can go home.

Put it in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, a little piece of heaven. So Kurt Cameron walks out, hands up, and then everybody else, all the kids in the sister and everything walk out with the hands up, to the dog, doesn't that would have been adorable, right? Oh, they really missed out on that one. But they all walk out and they're like, we're a family now, so you have to take us as

a family. And the cops are like, well, I mean, we're going to take all of you into custody, I guess. Did you think we were going to ask you guys to call yourselves an Uber rule? Cool. Ha ha ha ha ha. Woo. Damn it, this is like supposed to be the heartwarming Stockholm Syndrome moment. And then we cut immediately to this, not a courtroom, but like a courtroom-esque, setting like a judge's office with a stenographer in it and all the named characters.

Yeah, it's a family kidnapping, so it's somebody's living room. Right, yeah, exactly. Family court is in a living room. I don't want to have to do the named characters. Yeah, it's a family kidnapping, so somebody's living room. Right, yeah, exactly. Family court is in a living room. I don't want to have to do the whole courtroom thing. Why don't you guys just come back to my chambers and I'll say the seven craziest sentences. Oh my God, in film history.

So guys, this movie is about to get so much more bat shit fucking crazy. You know how it's been totally reasonable so far? Yeah. Great. They're gonna ramp it up. Every second, for the last 90 seconds of this movie, it'll get twice as fucking weird as it was, right?

So the judge is about to say, he's like, you know, you're gonna have to go to jail and then just stand up. He's like, you can do a timeout in court, right? If you're a kid and the judge is like, well, of course, obviously you can do the timeout. Everybody gets one time out. What do you do?

Judge, I'm gonna let you finish. But Beyonce did the best kid-napping. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Oh, God, so much better this year, right? Oh, it was an amazing deal already. Yeah. So, yeah. So, instead though, Josie says, anti-quote, he says, he said, he's not a criminal, he's a good person, he says, quote, will there's no criminal? He's a proper homeboy.

Know what I'm saying, Judge? Yeah, that's the proper homeboy. No one I'm saying, Judge. Yeah, that's the correct cringe noise. Yep, Noah, Keith. I don't say it enough, but since it's Christmas, Petaphiles are in season, they're working hard. You guys are proper homeboys. Let's bring it in for a big group hug. You guys are proper homeboy. Aww. Aww. Let's bring it in for a big group hug.

Big group hug. Aww. I got a camera pans on. We're on a snow globe that marsh is holding. Ha, ha, ha. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Ha, ha, ha. So yeah, so then Princess speaks up, Princess has a little moment to where she stands up and she says, I also think Kurt Cameron shouldn't go to jail.

He has a nice house, and then... So what she said... He has a nice orphan kidnapping farmhouse. Again, a beautiful girl is like, hi, sorry, just real quick, I am actively being physically busy with the... Shush! It's the sister's turn to do her farmhouse. Again, a B-A-A-A-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R Sentence is Kirk Hameron's house. Stay with me here. That's correct. What's happened? To be an orphanage. And he names the orphanage.

He says this thing, it'll be the Cecil, whatever your dad's name was. My name is the orphanage. I'm sentencing you to be after your dead father. Yes. In my head, that's what he does for all crimes. Orphanage, I'm sentencing you to be after your dead father. In my head, that's what he does for all crimes. Like some guy blew an 8.2 and he's like, oh man, they're gonna take my license in a way.

And he's like, I sentence your car to be an orphanage. But it gets even fucking wetter. Cause he also, he sent this as clorest leechment to be his helper. Yeah. She didn't commit any crimes. She's a cop. Yeah, she is a cop.

That's what you're saying. But just to be clear, the orphan kidnapper was sentenced to being charged with more kids. Yes, yes. Right, I sentenced you to smoke the whole thing in the warfins. That was sentenced. To be fair, this judge used to work for the Catholic Church. Oh, yeah, it makes sense.

That makes sense. Move you to a different orphanage. So now, and also, let's keep in mind that the girl that Princess wasn't a fucking orphan. Right? He gets to keep her too. I forgot she wasn't an orphan. The judge sentences him to get to keep the little girl. He kind of sentenced her to be an orphan. You missed the scene where he killed her parents.

He showed up. Right. He had the cow killer from no country for old men. Yes. I'm doing a Christmas bit. Except Judge Orphanage strikes again. Ha, ha. Oh, I committed a murder. I said, it's myself to be a killer. It's so bad, Judge.

So, okay, we have one last scene to do really quick, because so now we get Jesse and Kirk and his sister and Princess and they're all out in the pig style or whatever. And the pigs are having babies. It's Christmas day and one of the pigs is having babies, I know, but bear with me. And Kirk says, well that's the first pig born on Christmas day. And I'm like, is that the pig Messiah? Does that mean it? Does I will watch the fucking sequel? And if there's a big Jesus in it, oh, he could put like a bunch of demons into people and make them run off of a cliff. Oh, I mean, great. I mean, so good. Hog heaven.

Yeah. Because pigs. E.B. Sentence by Sausage Pilot. Pontchist. No, no, that's close. That was close. That was close. Pop, belly, pig, pig, pilot.

There was. Give give me a second. But then, and then, and then the, the, the, the, the, the, sister, pilot. Porsign from God. Porsign from God. So good. So good. So good.

Thank you. Thank you. And then, and that right. Turn swattering to slime. Oh, there you go. There you go. Well done, sir. Well done. We just sit here doing that. I'm telling everyone just trickles out.

How did you like the live show? Bad. Fucking bad. Really bad. Really bad. Yeah, but doing that, you're about to tie it all together. Don't worry. So they go, what should we name this little, yeah, they go, what should we name this little

pig and the sister goes, heaven and they're like, see? At all times together now, it's all, yeah, the movie. All the other baby pigs can go fuck themselves. Yeah. Because they didn't fit into the title. No, I'm not the one who's named Little Peas. Or, yeah, of, that one is named of. There you go. Fuck yourself. All right, so, and that's the end. I guess the moral of the story appears to be kidnapping

can save Christmas. That is the moral of it. Yes. Unless it's really about the pig Messiah, in which case, I don't even give this another watch. And I guess on that note, because we are 27 minutes late now on this, but on that note, there's nothing

left to do but leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Someone, some hero, went on to make a deep fake of that scene with Kirk Cameron dressed up as MLK and they got 8 bajillion Heathboys. That person was justy small.

Oh, okay, yeah. He has a bunch of Heathboys. That's gonna, yeah, no, he does. He already had a lot of them. When they ate bacon from that Christmas pig, nobody made a little piece of heaven joke. Ha, ha, ha, ha, and that's kind of sad. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

Kurt Cameron would go on to have a way, sad, or family, and a way, dumber, sister. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Eli, you can shenanigans all you want. I just want you to be aware that you're cutting into Anna's time. Wow. Everyone shut the fuck up. The proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstrum LLC Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.