God Awful Movies - 384: A Wrestling Christmas Miracle

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

This week, we return to the Del Vecchio-verse for an atheist review of A Wrestling Christmas Miracle. It's the story of... something that the English language is all but powerless to explain. Seriously. This is a weird one. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And then everyone else in the scene pulls out a giant very real gun. Yes. All of them are Michael Scarn at the exact same time. Yes. I can't think of a room full of people I want to have guns less. I want them all to have guns together in a room, I'm funny yet. But no leaving the room, the room is very weird. You're in the room forever now. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. What the fuck did we just want? Are you serious? Was this even a movie?

Zero seconds. I had zero seconds. I win the pool. Sitting on 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bostick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing. No, as I said, when I started to watch this movie, hey, guys, I hate to ask extra of you on this busy weekend, but Heath, can I watch you watch this movie? I don't remember. I blacked out. I don't remember what happened. The only thing that got me through this movie was imagining Heath watching this. Exactly. I was just watching because here's the thing. If I can open the cart and slightly,

we've talked about this in like, AMA's and stuff, Heath watches these movies almost always more than once and it takes him sometimes double or triple the amount of time of a movie to watch them. Right, no, no, like time and half, sometimes real time. So knowing that this movie took three hours of Ethan Wright's life,

I'm gonna live an extra 10 years. I'm gonna live to be 36. Three hours of my life. I don't remember, I lost all of it, it's gone. Right, it's gonna be a weird episode. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? Okay, I know the title. We watched a wrestling Christmas miracle.

That's the name of whatever this thing was. That's the name of the document that we're working on on our notes. As far as I can tell, it's the story of chat GPT having a stroke and then writing a movie. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the feel of one of those, you know, I made an AI watch 7,000 hallmark movies and yeah, or whatever. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Kendall Vecchio's other films, but you want to see that humorous side that has slayed everyone who was ever about to get a parking ticket from him. You will love this movie. Yeah. No, I recognize what a big statement

this isn't all, but this was thinly plotted for a Ken Del Vaguio movie. So I feel as though he was pitching the plot for this movie as he was shooting it. Yeah. To the extent that there was a plot to this movie. Yeah. No, we'll get there. Okay. Karate Christmas miracle was very coherent. Right. Like I followed it. I was into it. I wanted a sequel.

We didn't get that. We got something else. No, he got something else entirely. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being in the best at being the worst at? Yeah, best worst. I have no idea what happened.

I don't know. I don't know what happened in the thing I watched. I watched it for a long time. Mm hmm. Not only do I not know what happened in this movie, I don't know what happens within the movie in this movie. Yeah. Right.

There's a movie in it. I couldn't tell when we were in and out of that. No. Well, so that's where my best worst was going to be, right? Best worst cinematic recycling. So Kendall Vecchio is a huge fan of taking clips from his other movies where he got semi famous people as as cameos and putting them in new movies so he can say that semi famous person is in this movie. Right. So this movie has Gilbert

Godfried. It's got Martin Cove. It's got Michael Winslow. It's got JJ Walker, Jimmy Walker. But they're all like, there's an internal movie within the movie that people keep watching that has those people in it that is clips. I'm guessing of like an aborted film project of Kendall Vecchio's from years ago or whatever. And the movie never really tells you when you move in and out of that. So like as bizarre and silly as this movie is, it's made all the more difficult by the random interjections of some other fucking movie. Yes. And, and, and to be clear, the meta narrative is that a child made the movie, but the move, the aborted movie, which is ironic, because it's a javaqueo movie, but the aborted

movie is very clearly like a gross out horror, psycho sexual film. So the notion that an 11 year old wrote it as a comedy thing is very strange. It really is. It seems scientifically designed to drive Heath Matt. It is what I'm saying. And of course, I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best, best trivia. And podcast listener, I have bloomed this out in our notes

so as not to spoil it for my co-hosts. Here is from the IMDB trivia for this film. Robert Zadar was originally cast, but he had to leave the production when his pet mini horse was attacked by three bit bulls. Yes. What? Nice.

Ha ha ha. All right, well, describing this movie's gonna be a lot like telling somebody about a dream you had when you were on Paioti. So we need to pause for a second to strategize. But we'll be back in a flash with all the random joke attempts that are a wrestling Christmas miracle. Hey, it's me, Kendall Vecchio, modern reticence man and movie superstar. I know what you're thinking as you watch this movie.

Wow, how can I, an ordinary man or woman, get into the shape of an Olympic athlete and champion wrestler like Ken Delvecchio? That's right, I'm not actually an Olympian, although I can see where your confusion would come from. Anyway, the answer is that you can't, but you can get close with FitBod. The FitBod app creates a workout routine that adapts as you improve and uses the equipment you already have so you can reach to the next level without burning through all your free time or cash.

It's true. I tried out the app when they became a sponsor and I love how they can work around my schedule and they never stick me with the same boring workout. Plus, a full year of FitBod is less than the cost of a single session with a personal trainer. Podcast your heat then, right? Yep. Want to be in my next movie? I would literally rather die. No, I wouldn't. That's what Gilbert Godfried said.

Mm hmm. Join Fitbot today and build a routine that grows with you without slimming down your wallet. Get 25% of your subscription or try the app for free at fitbot.me slash cam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash cam. How'd you get Gilbert Godfrey in the first place? Camille is a desperate place. He then write a desperate, desolate place. That's a place. Yeah. And then I'm going to be like, walk, walk, oh, that's classic. Here he is. Here he is. Every secure your funny bones. Oh, you secure your funny bone. Whoa, battle of the funny Titans here. Can I tag in? Oh, you sure can. Okay. Guys,

but seriously, seriously, seriously, let's get started because I cannot wait to be the comic relief of this movie. Wait, what? No, no, I thought I was the comic relief for this movie. I thought I was, I thought I was going to be the comic relief. Oh, man, man, what a, what a misunderstanding. Guys, okay, guys, we can all be the comic relief. We can? Sure, yeah, yeah. We'll just all be making our wackiest jokes

all the time, just constantly, throughout the movie at every conceivable moment. Guys, guys, I think this movie is gonna be amazing. I think so too, yeah, yeah. My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife. my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start things off with some home video of Ken's kids wrestling matches. Yeah, with a bunch of people blurred out, like they're in witness protection because they were in a Ken Delvekio.

Okay, now I look at his funny, but by the same token, is there anything more horrifying than the knowledge that your child was in a Ken Delvekio film without consent? Yeah, no, no, I get it, I get it. Yeah, and, hey, credit where credit's due get it. Yeah. And hey, credit where credits do little mini Delback, you know, pretty good wrestler. Yeah, you know, you see He's sitting to

Kick it ass. I have no idea. I don't know. It just seems like people just like jump around in a little single And I have no idea how that sport works, but he seems to be winning He seems to like land on top at the end of each thing. Yep. I googled him. I searched him. He's 114 and 14, which is really good. Yeah. This kid could and maybe someday will kick my ass. You could tell by the size of his head when he was a baby, honest. Right. Exactly. To be fair, the size of the baby, I don't know. That woman, by the way, is gone.

So I assume that his mother is dead. And the blonde lady in this movie is now his mother. Well, I feel like, you know, Ken Delvek, you're just paid a more attractive woman to pretend to be a swipe for the purposes of this movie. But yeah, possibly did the kid do any karate in the first one? Because apparently he's like a real wrestler is what you're saying? Yeah, he's a man. I was hit. Yeah. I remember him not doing any karate in the first one. No, no, wrestling was obviously his calling. Yeah.

Okay. So, okay, so yeah, so we open up a bunch of wrestling, I guess what's known in the industry as B minus role. And then this voiceover comes into like, sort of let us know what a kick ass motherfucker Kendo Vecchio's kid is. I can't imagine what we're listening to. Yeah, she opens with, if there's a name synonymous with New Jersey children's wrestling and I wrote my notes, there's not.

There's not. I wrote, is Catholic priest, isn't it? You need to not know the answer to that if there is an answer. Yeah. That's true. I think that's important. So, but yeah, she's telling us what a badass case Gabriel, that's the kid's name in the movie, is that wrestling and how his dad is a Olympian badass total wrestling kick

ass motherfucker with great physique. Ken Delveque played by Ken, we see him. We see his body and face after they say he's an Olympian wrestler. It's so sad because look, here's the thing. Ken was like, I'm gonna make a movie about what a great wrestler my kid is. But he's a fucking crazy person. So he was like, so I need to be cooler than my kid. Obviously, it is my movie.

So I'm the president of fighting. All right, there we go. Movie good. Yeah. No, and then and they're like, you know, why is he such a good wrestler? And this is supposed to be a comedy bit, but it cuts to Kendall, Vecchio in a spandex onesie telling us how superior his kids genetics are. Yeah. Yeah. And then tearing off the top of that one Z for his protein shake commercial that he does shirtless next to his child. Yeah. That has to be a real thing that they should like that. I know it was supposed to be the characters in this thing.

They did that. They definitely did that. Yeah. That's a hundred percent for like some sort of pyramid scheme for sure. Yeah. No, the kid is like six years younger in that video. Yeah. Yes. No, this was very, and honestly, it's good to see a preview of how my son will someday look at me at live shows just to sort of get out of the way. What the, what that mix of shame and fear and regret looks like on a child's face. Start playing the seed. You're an Olympian, Eli.

You're an Olympian. That's what I always tell him. I tell him I invented the marker. I won the black belt. Black belt. Yeah. How's it the daddy dance? So yeah, and so we get a bunch of wrestling video.

Then we see a bunch of video of his kid also being good at football. Now, you know, I was, I was nice about the wrestling. The kids are defensive and that's not where they put the talented kids in a, in being good at football. Now, you know, I was nice about the wrestling, the kids are defensive and that's not where they put the talented kids in a game of football. I'm sorry to say it, but we get some video of that as well. And they're like, he's amazing. He's a tackling machine.

I'm watching him not be that. He's definitely not doing that. Nope, he's just like, mean Joe Green, they say, which nope, he's definitely not like that. He's playing his position and that's about it. Yeah. No, the kid comes on. He's he's talking direct to his camera at a certain point.

He goes, my favorite NFL player ever is mean Joe green. And I'm like, all the guy who's mostly known for spitting on Fran, Tarquington, and then repeatedly kicking it down to Cleveland opponent in the dick. That guy. Why? Why? Why? Such a weird reference, right? Because first of all, it's a reference I make all the time, which I found very upsetting. But second of all, why would that be a child's favorite football player? He's trawling through the records of whether they're like mid 70s to late 80s. Being like, all right. Yeah. He's in that Coke commercial where he takes the Coke from the kid and then throws in the jersey.

Very close and dangerous moment. Dirty shirt. Also, like, keep in mind that this movie has nothing to do. This is the last time football will ever come up in this. No, nope. The announce even goes, but alas, this movie is about wrestling. Well, not really, right? Because by the end of the credits, he announces that he's done with wrestling at least for now, at least until the plot of this movie is resolved. Yes. One other question about this opening. Sure. Who was Kendall Vecchio choking out several times, just a random clip of Kendall Vecchio, just with another adult, just like choking some guy out for 10 seconds and they cut out. And then they do it again, like two or three times.

Yeah, that's the brother-in-law. Mm-hmm. Who will later be a character in the movie? He's the comic relief. He's the comic relief of many. He's. Yeah, right. He's the comic relief. A. Yeah. Relieviums. Great. So yeah, but then the kid tells the camera now. He says, I'm taking a 40 day hiatus from wrestling to make a movie so funny that my friend who's been in a coma three months will hear it and wake up from his coma laughing.

Now I should point out this movie and this podcast are tied in terms of how abruptly that plot point is introduced. Yep. Is that how coma's work? Can you hear it? Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah.

Well, you do, you do hear when you're in a coma, yeah. Yeah, but you do, you probably don't wake up because a movie is funny enough. Although I will say, I have a feeling that if Heath ever falls into a coma, if we start playing this movie nearby, he'll wake up to shut it off. Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, that's true. I don't think the movie is going to wake up and be like, boo, right back into the coma. Yeah. So this is, well, at least, at think the movie is gonna wake up and be like, boo, right back into the coma. Yeah.

So this is, well, at least the coma's better than this. Yeah, and then, okay, and I'm gonna do you the favor of telling you what the movie doesn't tell us, which is that the next scene takes place within the movie that Kendall Vecchio's kid made in the movie. Yes. Right? So we're gonna jump from him explaining that

he's gonna make a movie to him having made the movie and. Yes. Right. So we're going to jump from him explaining that he's going to make a movie to him having made the movie and we're watching that because but what we see, well, like our experience of this is we cut straight from that to Martin Cove pretending to be a blind man. Well, Ken Delvecchio pretends to be a handicapped deaf guy. No, right? Yes. I think guys. you know, pretends to be a handicapped deaf guy. No, right? Yes. I think guys, I'm no fucking. Are you asking me like I'm going to know the answer?

No, no, no. So I was, that was about to be my question is what is the movie within the movie about? Oh, there is no way given what we are shown of this, to try to figure out what the fuck this was originally about. Eli, you're just gonna have to stop the podcast once every five minutes and be like, uh, question, what? Yeah. And then we're all gonna say, I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's fair. Yeah, so, but like in an obvious effort to be as offensive as possible with this opening, Ken Dovechio is doing like a slapstick version of sign language. Yeah. If you were trying to start a fight with a deaf guy, this is how you would imitate sign language. Yeah. I don't know any sign language.

I'm certain there were slurs that happened in this signing. Well, but the translator that's standing right next to him is translating it into slurs against blind people because Martin cove is playing a blind guy. Yeah. Yeah. So right, yeah, no, they want to make sure that both sides of the conversation are despicably ableists. So that's what they go with. But eventually, after a fucking lot of pushpins and yarn and up on my cork board, I figure out that Martin Cove is supposed to be a blind warden at a prison that is a hospital. Again, like I said, it's gonna be like explaining a fucking dream to you.

And I was really, I was like, and what? No's character is the head of security at that facility that used to be a super FBI agent badass. I want you to know that you gleaning that information from what we watched. I might as well have just dropped two sticks on the ground and you don't be in self-competent in terms of this. I have no, I believe you. I want you to know I believe you, but I have no, I do believe you too. Also, Gilbert Godfried works there at this thing that Martin Cove's the warden of. Is that, yes. Is that what's happening? He is a guard at the hospital prison. Okay. What horrible

fucking crime did Gilbert Godfried do in Northern Jersey with Ken Delvecchio as a judge? No, right? And Martin Cove and Todd Bridges and Jimmy Walker in this whole cast. No, okay, look. Martin Cove, I get. Oh my god. Gilbert, they're still showing Aladdin on TV, buddy. There's no way you needed this 200 bucks. Oh, man.

You didn't need it. Yeah. No, it's pretty fucking sad. But yeah. So then this psychiatrist lady who is an inmate at the hospital prison, I feel bad telling the audience about all this shit because none of this matters. This is the movie inside the. How do you know any of this? This is a thing to you. Yes. I did do something with my time while I was watching this shit. Did Ken said you an email with the plot of this like secretly back ends emailed Ken and you're like, Ken, I'm the one who introduces the scenes and Noah has like a rolling pain of glass right now that he has got math marker all over. He's your best friend from college and a little girl who never ages the

one. Yeah, have to tell us it's like being a cop. I did a lot of peyote back in the day. That's what it is. I speak peyote dream. I speak fluent peyote dream. So yeah. So, but this inmate psychiatrist lady is being shown around the prison by Gilbert Godfried who's also going to like fill us in on agent del vequeos backstory sort of. Yeah. Really? Yeah. So well, sort of they set it up like he's going to and then they try to knock it down with a joke. He's like, yeah, he was the top field agent in the FBI and then he was tortured by a crazy

serial killer judge. And the inmate lady goes, oh, is that why he's mured and in a wheelchair? And he's like, oh, no, that, his mother was a prostitute. What? Right. But the world prostitute is censored. Yes. Yeah.

Uh-huh. I don't think this movie understands how censorship works. Well, they, I guess any word that they were afraid would get them dinged by the dove channel is beeped out. Yeah. Yeah. But again, he's just using this footage so that he can say that Martin Cove and, and, and Gilbert Godfried and, and Michael Winslow, etc. were in his movie.

So this is what he's got. This is what he's got from his aborted hospital movie or whatever. So now he's trying to beep it out to make it dove family friendly. Yeah. Right. Now it's in a wrestling Christmas miracle, but he'll be damned if he's going to waste that footage. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And we kind of leaned over the, he's mutant in a wheelchair because his mother was a prostitute like the because there is a little weird. Yeah. Doesn't seem like the right word. But yeah, and then this pauses and we like back out of it and it's the Delvequeo family watching this movie and the three of us are like, oh, right. I was like, VNAC shirt. He's wearing a very deep VNAC.

Okay. Thank you. I can see his penis above the V neck V. Okay, he brings up a very kind of vacuos wearing the deepest V neck V shirt. Hair vampersine. And he, you brought something up at your notes that I want to support with my whole heart,

which is the, it got deeper, right? Thank you, the V, deeper. I'm searching that he changed into a deeper V. Just to find the deeper V, yes. Thank you. That's it. I just, he changes that he changed into a deeper. Sure. Just to find this deeper. Yes. Thank you. That's it. I just that's what needed to be said. If the podcast, if the show, if the program ends now, I'll have said my piece. So yes, but this is where we're going to meet Uncle Robert. He's the drunken uncle that's going to be like comic relief,

a through the movie. And they're all like talking about what a great movie it is, and how it's definitely gonna cure Charlie's coma with its funniness, right? Yeah. Also, in case anyone was wondering what I was going through emotionally at this point, this is where I realized that me and Kendall Vecchio are different sides of the same coin because we both involve ourselves and our families in our comedic

shenanigans and think we have cinematic universes around the content we create. So most of my notes are just me breathing into a paper bag for this scene. I'm glad you guys. Thanks for taking on the heavy lifting here. That's fun for you. Yeah. Don't you live like five minutes from his house? I lie, so I have it in my notes later. He eventually is like, hey, he's exactly where I live. It's so much nicer and bigger than yours. I actually wrote down his license plate. He has a Toyota Pro.

I won't say the actual plate here, but it's in the movie. So I don't know. I'm not really doxing. He doxed himself. Yeah. No, that's true. He might as well pull out my exact wallet, but with $500 more in it at some point in the movie.

He like, we're doing so many pranks to this guy in real life, right? So many Christmas pranks. All right, let's be super clear. That isn't his house. That was a house that some realtor friend of his let him use. Let's not, it's not fun with that house in particular.

Well, there's only one way to find out. And that's the fire we start there. Anyway, so then we learned in the movie that Kendall Vecchio's character, the Olympian wrestler has to leave to go wrestle an elephant in the Congo. That's not a sex euphemism. Did I, I heard that correctly? Yeah, we all heard it. Yeah. That is what's sex euphemism. Did I, I heard that correctly? Yeah. No, we all heard it. Yeah. That is what's going on in the movie. I wrote down dad's gonna wrestle an elephant.

And for the rest of the movie, I just, I kept writing stuff down like that. I was like, I think I heard them say, dad's gonna wrestle an elephant. I don't know how to bet, do any noting beyond that. I think I heard that. Yeah. That's my whole notes from the rest of the movie. Yeah, he's notes directly after dad's gonna wrestle on elephant is I think my COVID came back and gave me brain cancer. I'm like 50. Well, I think that's supposed to be humor, right? But given Ken Tavec, he was selfish.

I don't know, right? Yes. Hey, there's a tagline for your movie, Ken, in case you were wondering, a wrestling Christmas miracle needs a post-colonic. There you go. It's like the opposite of El Dopa or I don't know what it did to me. It's scary. I'm scared.

Yeah. So he leaves to go wrestle an elephant for the rest of the movie. So he won't be around. That's the important thing. We've written him out of the script until the very end. And now Uncle Ronald has to take charge of every existing copy of the movie. Now this is a trope, you know, from shit back in the 80s and 90s and shit like that. Right. Like, oh, there's only one copy of our movie. Don't lose it. But it makes no goddamn sense in 2020. Yeah. Right. When it would just be

like, I'll email it to you. And then there will be a lot of things. I drop off. Finity copies. Oh right. Yeah. Exactly. So I would be zero percent surprised to learn that Kendall Vecchio is just uploading his absolutely giant multi terabyte films to hard drives and carrying them around. He says Faraday cage fails. He's got a shed full of wax cylinders of movies somewhere. Yeah. Oh, no, we're going to get canticle for Lima with Kendall Vicki. Oh, movies.

Everybody, quick, please download hard drives full of good movies. Or all the future will have his Kendall Vicki. for all the future we'll have. It's Kendall Vickie's films. So, all right, but we've established that Uncle Ronald has the only copy of the movie and the movie is the only thing that can save coma Charlie. And then we're going to cut to our villains slash comic relief B and C. Mm-hmm. Right, I have them down in my notes as sit-ups and chlorox,

because when we first meet them, the guy is doing sit-ups well, the woman repeatedly practices the line, wow, my whites do look wider. For like 10 minutes. Yeah, I have her as dolly hemispheric partition. Okay, yeah. And yeah, she says that line.

So many times, I literally wrote in my notes, am I in hell? I want you to know if I was God, she'd never stopped saying that line until he just called it screaming. I would have to watch this woman do a Eugenics commercial over and over in hell. So I guess over this

all tracks. Again, we always are like, oh, watch this movie. Don't watch this movie. Watch this movie if only for the mental image of he's watching this movie. As you watch this woman do this line over and over and over. Seven times. I went back and counted she says that seven different times wow my whites do look wider. Yeah. Is this a Meisner exercise? Gone wrong. Yeah. What's happening? I think it's just her. I think it's

supposed to be a comic beat right where it's like oh she can't get the line right except no one here has a sense. No one involved in this film has a sense of humor. No, so it's just, it's just the old people at like some conservative right wing group all getting together to make a comedy.

Right, yeah, and they all use the type of comedy where like, you know what an awkward person has to keep a three year old busy, right? That's that comedy through the entire fucking movie. Yeah. Also, we're not skipping any like context or plot in the movie. We've described everything to you. Yes.

This is what's actually all that's happening. So. All right. So then we cut to case visiting with Christmas coma Charlie. And I'd love to know how they think coma's worked because the kids not in a hospital he's not hooked to any tubes. He asks that right he's like hey how come he's home and she's like oh well they couldn't do anything else at the hospital and I wrote my notes so he's just at home filling his bed with liquidy shit. Well no because he's not eating.

He's the. Yeah, sure. But yeah, so she's going to sing off key every time we ever see this actor. She's going to be singing off key at us. Yep. She'll be singing a different Christmas Carol every time. She's doing 12 days of Christmas. We have to go through all the gifts in 12 days of Christmas off key with her.

All of them. Yeah. As Heath has pointed out before on this podcast, listening to bad singing as a comedy beat is still just listening to bad singing. Right. There's no rising action. I do. I do enjoy that by the end of this movie.

That's all she does. The mom of the kid who's in the coma. She sings some Christmas song at the beginning of a scene like four times. And each time she's more and more angry about being in the movie. And so by the fourth one, she's like, joy the world. I don't know. Cut. Great. That's the fucking halls. Yeah. So for he's a jolly good fellow. It needs to be public. So yeah, but cases tell in coma Charlie that he made the funniest movie ever, but he explains the fucking plot to Charlie basically. And then we cut to that night.

Sit ups and chlorox have now gone to Uncle Ron's house to steal the movie and all the Christmas Presidency had stashed in his car. Right. And they dressed up as the Grinch and Cindy Luhu to do it. Yes, which seems like a weird sex thing. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. That was creepy. I thought they were going for like Grinch and like Mrs. Grinch, but I don't think there was a Mrs. Grinch, right? No, definitely not a... Well, she wasn't green.

No, so... Yeah. Not a Mrs. Grinch, right? No, definitely not. Well, she wasn't green. No, so yeah, not a Mrs. Grinch. And Cindy Loooh, who to be fair, actually mixed a couple. Yeah, no, that's fair. That's fair. Well, Cindy Loooh is a child, so that's not an appropriate role play if she's Cindy Loooh.

No, that's fair. Let's go, Mrs. Grinch. Let's have her be Mrs. Grinch, who just happened to have, you know, she's white and he's green and there a mixed-raced couple that are adults. And can I just say, on behalf you know, she's white and he's green and there a mixed race couple. There you go. That are adults. And can I just say on behalf of our podcast, we're fine with that.

We are despite whatever he just said. No, it sounds now that I say it, but I said it, but I mean it. It's not a, it's not a, I feel like now you're really digging in on it. It might be worse. I am. You're making it so much. Last song. Yeah. So which is your favorite?

No, we're just we're gonna go right past. Janet Pinkie Smith. Okay. Yep. Me too. What? So and this is of course where Heath is written the license being a room for this man.

That's right. Kendall Vecchio fans. Yeah. So if you find it to out of Corolla in Northern Jersey, you might have found Kendall. Or you found my car. So be again, we are a very, very, it's a thin coin that we are up to the side. So do what that will. Yeah.

And then, okay. So then we get Uncle Ron having to confess to mom, Delvechio, that he lost all the presents and the movie and he hadn't even made copies yet. Right, but they've decided to have him still be the wacky comedy relief A while he does it. So he's still doing bits and stick and little voices.

Right, while obsettedly saying, I've lost your son's only hope at waking up his best friend. Yeah. Waka, waka. No, I wrote my notes here. This is making me miss the cinematic prowess of a Donald James Parker script. We got to get them together.

We got to get them to come on. I'm not even talking about the world. I have to make a movie together. You're in sexually. Yes, sexually. I just want to watch them fuck. How much would that cost? Like, not a lot.

Not because we have $11 and that movie is ours for the making. There are two egos are both entirely based on complementing themselves in the movie. So it would be like a Dwayne the Rock Johnson vind Diesel situation where two of them's allowed to use a fight, lose a fight, but they both have to fight in the movie. Oh, and the voices of the two of them having some sex that would be like Carl the Pug of Pag of Corn and Mickey Mouse fucking each other. Boy, yes. Which is delightful.

Yeah, no, obviously. I'm just saying, Noah, in the early days of this podcast, when you were, and I'll go ahead and say it, giving it your all, you did cut together a rate comfort and can ham having sex, you know, there's, you have the editing power to make this dream a reality for us. I could do that. You just run that through chat GPT. I feel like I'm on it.

Marney on it and it killed itself. I'm sorry going to get a cat GPT. I feel like it's not going to happen. Yeah, I'm already on it. Marny on it and it killed itself. I'm sorry, everybody. Yeah, you chat GPT will be down when you read this, but it's, okay, it's, wow, it's 11,000 years of insults for Donald James Parker and Kendall Vecchio. So, okay. So then we cut to the movie nappers. I have them as the movie nappers for the rest of heck yeah. So, okay. So, then we cut to the movie nappers. I have them as the movie nappers for the rest of my notes, checking out all the awesome

presents that they stole and then deciding, hey, we should watch this movie that we stole so that a random clip of it can start playing in the middle of this film. Now, so in this scene, we're going to get a couple other cameos. We're going to see Michael Winslow. He's the sound effects guy from the police academy movies and we're gonna see Jimmy Walker. But neither of them would do their catchphrase thing for Ken Devakia, he wasn't paying enough for that. No.

So so that you'll know who they are, we keep cutting back to the movie nappers, watching the movie and saying their catchphrases. Okay. Right going like, oh, look at him, dynamite, right? All right, thank you so much for telling me that Noah, because I just thought that every time a black actor showed up in this movie,

they paused it so that another character could just say a different black actor. Catchphrase. Yeah, you know how black people always be like, what you talking about, well, I know, but that was Todd Bridges from different strokes, who's in it. Yeah. Yeah.

He's Willis. Yeah. That's actually Willis. Yeah. And it's actually Jimmy Walker from good times. Yeah. Yes. Do the dyno. And then he does sound effects when Michael Winslow shows up.

Yeah. Okay. Because literally at the end, I was so good. I was like, Oh, man, that's racist. That's racist. And then the third guy, he's like, boom. And I was like, okay, what the fuck does this guy think of? I'm so confused. Is there a stereotype of doing like a slide whistle noise? People make slide whistle noise. I live in Northern Jersey. I would know about that.

They we got to get together at the next meeting of racists. Really? Nils. Which I wouldn't be invited to because of how much I love mixed. Interracial marriage. Great. A pink it's Smith. Nope. So now I would explain to you what's going on in the movie and the movie at this point, but that's just going to blow Heath and Eli's fucking minds and it doesn't matter anyway.

So I think we can just tell you that those characters are all in it, right? Yeah. Okay. Can I just mention one thing I wrote down? Maybe tell me what happened. You better hope Ajax isn't on top of an elephant was a line that I wrote down. Yep. Yeah.

That was the. So so Ken Delbeckios character's name is Ajax. Ajax? Yes. Ajx Gabriel. Azex Gabriel. The Olympian elephant wrestler. And we'll find out later, Super Spy CIA badass. Yes. So they wanted to just like write him into a different area of the world for a while and like the

Muguff and they come up with they were like wrestles and elephant. He's an FBI spy. Yes. And that's what's happening. Correct. Yes. By elephant wrestling. Yeah.

Well, tell you what, obviously between the three of us, we don't even know what fucking movie we're watching anymore. So I need to pause long enough to check the episode title. But we've got to do it with even more of a wrestling Christmas miracle. Look at you, Candel Vecchio. You've never looked better, you sexy beast. Boy, I think you can, Del Vecchio. Play your cuts, right?

And you might get lucky with the one and only Candel Vecchio tonight. Um, Dad? Ah, Mario, my boy, my star. The second most handsome Delvequeo man in the world. How are you? Okay. I'm good. I'm good. Hey, I was wondering if maybe we could just, you know, stop making movies about my interests. No. What do you mean? A karate Christmas miracle and a wrestling Christmas miracle? Are some of my best work? I mean, I guess that's true in the sense that ice has a freezing point or whatever, but uh-huh, uh-no, nothing, whatever. It's just now that I'm a little older and some of these titles, they're kind of embarrassing.

Embarrassing? How? I mean, Dad, a staying in the shower too long Christmas miracle? What? That's what you've been up to this year. Or what about this one? The sure do seem to be texting that girl, Caitlin a lot Christmas miracle. I mean, that's like super specific with the title. Yeah, but we could put Caitlin in the movie. You guys could hang out on the set. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Just promise me, you won't make this last one. That's the most important to me. The realizing my dad actually made a lot of weird

psychosexual films before he focused on comedies about me, Christmas Miracle? No deal, son. Well, it is the truest one. I wrote a movie about a judge going on a shooting spree wall acting as a judge. Acting as a judge, yep, you did that. In real life. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with our movie

nappers at a diner getting ready to call in their ransom demands. Yeah. Okay. To be clear, the plot of the movie, it's about these two actors named, I think Kitty Cat and Chuckles, you call them sit upsups and chlorox. Yeah, that's what they call each other. Okay. Them with a Grinch vendetta, they decided to steal the gifts and the movie from a kid who made a movie for his friend in a coma. That's the plot of the movie.

Right. And now they're trying to ransom that movie back to the kids' family for a million dollars. Right. But his dad, the famous Olympian, Ajax Vendetta or whatever the fuck his name is. He's real dad. Gabriel, Ajax Gabriel. Ajax Gabriel isn't there because he's in the Congo wrestling and elephant. Yeah.

So, we see the movie nappers getting ready to make their call. Then we cut over to mom and uncle Ron They have to break the news to case that his movie is missing. Yeah, and so he leaves to give coma Charlie the bad news And just as he leaves they get the call from the kidnappers. Yes Now they're trying so I've seen actors do You know one-sided phone conversation poorly before. This is the first time I've ever seen an actor like, forget to do it at all. Yep. It is as though someone's never seen a phone conversation period. Right. Yeah, because like he's talking to her on the phone and

then she's describing the conversation that she's having to uncle Ron without having it. Yep. Is there any chance they were doing this on purpose and they thought that was like a meta joke about the concept of not getting phone calls. I'm really trying. Wow. Are you switching sides to Kendall?

I feel like you're switching. Is this a good movie? Did I love that? Oh, you've got, Heath has whatever that is. Stockholm's in terms of. Yeah, that's it. That's it was only a matter of time. But yeah, now, so the gag, though, that they are going for on this phone conversation thing

is that the, that the other guy that sit ups can't do accents very well and he keeps trying to do it like a German accent and she thinks it's Italian and then they'll try to do Italian and she'll think it's British or something, right? Right. She can't tell what accent he's going for. He can't do the accents he's going for and he can't do the accents he's not going for. Nope. Right. So it's like someone being like, oh, better switched to a different impersonation. Hello, it's me now. Whoa, Borat. That's right. It's me, Borat. Yeah. My wife.

My wife. Yeah. Clearly, this actor was like, I'm going to do all my accents. This is going to be great. I'll do all my accents. And Kendall Vecchio was like, you could do one. You could do like, dude, the German. He's like, nah, nah, I'm doing all them.

No, I gotta do what you already gave the other guy for later in this movie, most offensive accent. So I want to do 12. All of them. Less offensive accents. It feels like every 10 minutes, some actor looked at another actor and went, oh, fuck, we're doing funny voices. Yes, nice. That's so much material now.

You know what I just realized that this movie is the movie version of most podcasts. Oh yes. So yeah, but they want a million dollars to give them back the hard drive with the movie on it, which Ron, Uncle Ron, thinks it's a very reasonable price and they should just pay the million dollars for it. Yeah.

So okay, now we're gonna cut to Koma Charlie's mom. Now she's singing Joy of the, to the world off key. Right, but she's not singing it to him anymore, right? The idea was that she was singing to her son, but now she's just, just chilling and singing to herself. She said, that worse than that, she's sitting on a fucking hardwood floor, cross-legged, eating grapes while singing. This is fucking surreal. Yeah. This is like telling somebody the plot of an 80s video game. So yeah, yeah, is this really good modern art? Maybe I'm just saying, Marina Abramovich, I think did something very similar. It's a little bit derivative,

but it's there's something there. By sitting and watching this movie, we're Maria Abramovich. Lady Gaga's our friend. So, so, but cases cases upstairs updating Charlie on the plot, right? And now then we fall back into cases movie without warning. We are, we're in Dr. Prison. Yes. But so, so clearly like for this movie, the aborted film that is the film within the film of Russ and Christmas Miracle, obviously Kendal Macchio had an opportunity to shoot in an Like for this movie, the aborted film that is the film within the film of Russland, Christmas Miracle, obviously Kendal Vecchio had an opportunity to shoot in an abandoned hospital.

Right. Right. But he had a prison movie, which he then wrote into a, but it's a hospital prison movie. Yeah. And since I'm guessing most of the time, Kendo Vecchio has been in prison. It's also been in hospital. And most of the time he's been in the hospital. It's also been a prison. I can understand why he would be confused. But the entire clip that we see is the psychiatrist lady. She walks down a hallway and she says, oh, you know, she says

to some other doctor in mates, oh, hey, I'm a psychiatrist, I can help you with that stress. And one of them says, psychiatry says scam, and you ain't a real doctor. And that's the end of the clip. That's the end of the clip. I don't know if it was supposed to be a comedic moment. It wasn't.

No. It was not, but I don't know if it was supposed to be. Yeah. Okay, my version cut to a commercial for a Tim Allen movie It wasn't. No, it was not, but I don't know if it was supposed to be. Yeah. Okay, my version cut to a commercial for a Tim Allen movie at this point. And I was like, oh, this all makes it. Oh no, okay, this is different. I thought I was doing it.

No, this is different. I might watch Christmas with the cranks instead. I'm gonna do that. Yeah, so but that clip ends and we cut the movie nappers, watch a kitty cat and and chuckles watching it. And they explain that they're now going to watch that movie with a big talent scout producer guy or something, right? And they're all going to be famous.

Yeah. So then we cut to Mom Case and Uncle Ron at a bakery. Okay, I go to this bakery all the time. Seriously, it's really, I know this bakery is super well. It's actually really nice. I feel I have to believe they would be upset if they knew they were in this movie. You should really bring it in and show it to them. I feel like I should be like, hey, I'm just going to give you a timestamp and I want you guys to do with that, whatever you want.

So. Is this the place where you keep leaving your business card that says, I will fuck your dad and they had to get rid of the business card thing? That's my car wash, but I do, they do have a, and I do leave my business card there, yes, it's true. Okay. So okay, so mom, case and uncle Ron are talking

about the movie's plot and mom gets another call from the kidnappers, right? At this point, she puts it on speakerphone and Kase recognizes the voice because these two movie nappers were in the movie, right? They're actors that were in the movie that he wrote and directed in this film, right? Right. So now they have that information, very important. Keep you up on the plot here.

You say so no illusions. You say so. You lost me like an hour ago. Yeah, no, I figured, I figured. I don't even think we're an hour in. So then we cut to the thieves, meeting their talent scout at the theater. He's also gonna do accents. He's got some voices.

Yikes. Comedy relief. D? At this point he's D? I think so. Well, unless, of course, you want to say Ken Delvecchio is D, in which case he's E. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and Heath managed to find like the square root of negative A there or somewhere too. So like the square root of negative A there somewhere too. So, I'm sure answered crawling out of his ears. Aaronovsky's filming it in black and white. Yeah. So, but yeah, so they're meet with a talent scout at his theater. They're going to watch the movie on the big screen. And meanwhile, mom and the uncle are waiting at their house to ambush them when they get home. Yes.

So then we cut back into the movie within the movie. We cut back to the Gilbert Godfried scene. Now when we last left him off, he was welcoming psychiatrists, lady two or new hospital prison. We cut back to him doing that and then being like, bye. Now I would tightly in two scenes, even though you just saw the first half

of it in one scene and the second half of it in another. I only agreed to be in one scene of the movie. Yeah, that's it. Now, if you've got all your yarn and pushpins placed correctly, you'll recall that this woman is in hospital jail for the first time. Yeah, so psychiatrist inmate is going into herself for her first night in hospital prison. And as soon as she walks in, she gets splattered with high filling, dammit. Okay, and then she kills a CPR dummy with a sledgehammer. Do I, I wrote that down?

Did that happen? Yeah, So there's a there's another doctor there, another doctor inmate and he's hitting fruit pies with the sledgehammer and saying that he's doing surgery. Yes. I never honestly I never thought it took talent to pull this sledgehammer bit off. I think I owe Gallagher an apology. Yeah. This is big, big ribs to Gallagher for making looking, hitting fruit, tasteful. Yeah. So, but, but yeah, then he's like, Hey, would you like to hit this watermelon with a sledgehammer? And she's like, sure would. And then she does. And that's the end of that seat. Also, I never realized how like appropriate for the activity the sledger mat is because she does it with just a regular sledgehammer and it just kind of like caves

in the watermelon. It doesn't splatter it. No, it's not interesting to look at. Yeah, right. You can see the actors being like, oh, that's why he had the big. I thought it was going to go. Put some effort into the art. What we're saying is Ken Delvecchio doesn't try as hard as comedy as failed comedian Gallagher did. Yeah, but we cut back to the theater. They've just watched the scene. The talent scout thinks it's great. So he would like to do an anti-Semitic impression for us about it. Okay. So here's the bit and the bit gets away from him and no one's more sympathetic to that than me. The bit is, he answers the phone, he's like,

I'm my own assistant. Oh, let me put you on my partner, Jewish voice, right? But then with them present, he then calls his assistant and the Jewish partner. So it goes from like, I'm a guy faking to have an assistant to I'm a guy with like Very very specific multiple personality disorder. Yeah, right. Uh-huh. This is the meta thing that I was talking about before with the phone call It's a joke about it's a commentary Eli about phone calls in society Comic relief square root of negative eight damn it.

Yeah, it's all coming together. Also, billionaire money, we do a shot for shot remake of this movie and we have Don Ford voice to fantasy adventure. Do every single voice. Yes, we should a one man remake, I love funny game. But at the end, we break into Kevaccio's house in my fridge. Also, that's funny game classic. All right, so and then we cut to some another attractive woman that

Ken Delvequeo paid to be near him, brushing her teeth as she listens to the radio. Who is this woman? Thank you, thank you. Who is this woman? So I'm gonna blow your fucking mind. Remember when he was doing his offensive fake sign language? Yes.

This was the translator. Okay, but that was a lady in the movie.. This was the translator. Okay, but that was a lady in the movie. She was in the movie. So this is the in the movie outside of the movie, inside the movie. This is the actor that played the translator in Kendovaquio Sun's movie who is also a reporter in real life. This is really good magical realism, the writing of your saying. Is she the reporter who told us about junior children's wrestling?

She may have, but we only heard that. Oh, no, you're right. She was. She was. When they cut to do an interview with them, she was doing an interview. I take this movie, Pakes, perfect fucking sense. It does. It all ties to fucking gather.

It's you who put enough for Kendall Beck. It's a lot like her rookie Miracame, if you think about it. Yeah. This is Ken's throne of blood. Okay. So shit's about to get weird. I know, listener, you think shit's already weird. It's about to get fucking weird because on the radio, they cut in with a news report that an unnamed Olympic wrestler from America has overthrown the Congolese government and has wrestled their president into a cage. Yes. Okay.

I'm back. I actually wrote down some things that happened in the movie. Yes. So here's what I think happened. Here's what I have. I think Ken Delvequeo had some wacky ideas that he didn't have the budget for because it didn't involve his house and his direct family. So instead of just not putting that in the movie, the rest of the movie will contain extended

radio segments where through sound alone, they, if you will, Bible peace theater their way through Ken Delveque's wacky ideas for this film. Yes. Or he actually shot a bunch of him going to Africa, going to the DRC and wrestling people, and it was a hate crime and he couldn't go on. So he used little clips that don't quite show it. Well, so I feel like he'd gone to Africa, he might know it a little better, right?

Because at this point where they're like, oh, you cause the radio's telling us, it's explaining the action to us, right? He's in a big fight scene, Ken Delvecchio is with the evil dictator of the Congo. Right, right. And the radio says, oh, the president of the Congo is waving a tiger tooth at Ajax, which is a sign that he wants to fight. And I'm like, oh, yes,

that famously African animal, the tiger. Yeah. By the way, in the trivia for this movie, the IMDB trivia, which of course is not as good as the one about the miniores. It as that is an oopsie, like, is a correction. It's like, oh, there aren't any tigers in Africa. I was like, oh, that's the mistake. That's the mistake you found. I have to be sure to be a factual error in the movie. Aren't they going to have alpacas in? Yes, yes. Exactly. Yeah. He's going to escape on that famously African animal, the alpaca. The alpaca. Okay. So yeah, but the journalist lady rushes over to the Devequeo household. So we cut over there before she's arrived. Mom and Uncle Ron are putting together the million dollar ransom.

Yes. Toothbrusher lady, journalist lady shows up and they have this, they're going for comedy here where the toothbrush and girl is talking about the coup and the Congo, but the mom thinks that she's talking about the movie napping and they're just talking past each other for several minutes. It's quite, it's not funny at all,

they don't, they never do humor. Yes, but the movie, the plot of the movie is insane. So no one's making sense, right? She's like, he's in the Congo wrestling a rhino Yes, but the movie is the plot of the movie is insane. So no one's making sense, right? He's like, he's in the Congo wrestling a rhino and the other ones like, but the actors have the movie and they're going to sell it to the voice Jew, which just again, I'm trapped in the middle of not stuck in the middle between clowns on the left of me. Joker's to the right.

Yes. Yes. Stuck in the middle with voice. it was stuck in the middle with voice. So and I have to point this out too, because they're filming this very obviously in like a model home for a neighborhood or like a house that's been on the market for way too long or something like that.

So there's nothing on the walls, there's no decoration, there's just a spares this little trickle of furniture. So it's like a whole family of heats. They're on a porn set is what they are. Yeah. This is the air is come on the walls and nothing else. That's correct. I have watched people get fucked and fuck each other on every piece of furniture in this movie. That's why everything is white. Okay. It makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Blends right in just off. So. So okay. But eventually the mom and uncle

Ron learned that the dad is is overthrowing the government in the Congo. Yes. Actual line from the movie, HX wrestling and elephant on Christmas Eve is the least of my concern. Yeah. I wrote down a couple more lines that happened right after that. I thought I was going absolutely insane. That's an actual line. And then General Ringo fled the country riding now, Pacca. Yep. And then I think Ajax is in the Congo for more than pinning Barnabas, the elephant real line from the movie. Definitely. A sex thing. So meanwhile, the thieves are digging through the dumpster that they told the Devakio family to leave the million dollars in, but dammit, they haven't left a million dollars there. And we should also put it because like these two people are supposed to be funny, but in like a, you know, I get a trying to make a three year old

laugh kind of way. So they're pretty sure that like not knowing common knowledge equals humor. Yeah. Imagine like a really problematic, not nice teachers attempt to be funny. Yeah, right. Like a teacher who tells you that the Bible is true and that man lived with dinosaurs and that you need to, if gay people are going to hell, but like what that teacher does on April Fool's Day

is this movie. Imagine a Nazi guard doing bits for you. Right. Exactly. Whatever a Nazi's version of sh-tick is. Okay, that would explain the Jewish voice that the guy does. Yeah. Yeah.

So meanwhile, mom and uncle Ron go to the thieves house because they know where they live now because the kid recognized their voice. They're pounding on the door when the movie nappers call them. This is so unnecessarily convoluted and stupid. But so now they're having a phone conversation about a new drop off spot for the money. They couldn't just go straight to this because they loved their dumpster stick so much to the cat to keep this in between thing and then like do it again.

Well, and here's how stupid it is is that they could have just had the like the other half of the conversation happen while they were still at the dumpster, right? Like these people show up at their house to find them, but they're still at the dumpster looking for the money. Then it makes at least some amount of fucking sense. You can't just call somebody from anywhere. You have to go to a, no, we're using cell phones. Okay.

Okay, but guys, guys, if they cut the scene, how would we get their Oso Topical 1994 Singapore Caning Reference? It's you, what the fuck was that? They closed this scene on a Michael P. Fe joke, which I know statistically about 85% of our audience nay, living human beings have no fucking idea what that represents. And again, it's not like this movie was made in like 1999.

This was made in 2020. Yeah. And this was made like during the pandemic, I think. This is what the Delvequeos did during COVID. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie is inches away from playing fucking peekaboo with us at this point. So I'm taking a damn break.

But first, let me give Ack through the hard sell. What the fuck is going on? Will Heath ever be okay again? Is this some kind of clever torture that Ken Delvequeo devised when he realized that we were reviewing his movies? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the exciting conclusion of a wrestling Christmas miracle. Are we part of the art right now? We look into the mirror. This is genius. Yeah. Can't tell that, Gail, you son of a bitch.

Hahaha. And the part with the elephants. Oh my God, the worst. Hey, guys, real quick. Oh, what are you guys doing? Oh, no, we were just laughing at Ken Delbeck, you. Dude, it's so pathetic. Totally.

I mean, can you imagine involving your family in your weird insane ego-founded series of films? Oh, yeah, so stupid. I mean, he even thinks he has a cinematic universe going, oh, everybody make sure you pay attention so you get all the references I thought up for me to make about my own creations that nobody saw. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So what'd you need to tell us? Oh, just Anna finished the song

about man's cape man that I asked her to write. Oh cool. Yeah. Amen. Quick thing. No, it's okay. I'm actually I'm just gonna go light down. Yeah, yeah. Hey man, quick thing. No, it's okay. I'm actually, I'm just gonna go lie down. Yeah, yeah, you'd go lie down on the floor. Yeah, you'd lie down on the floor. Jesus. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action back at Koma Charlie's house where mom is now gonna regale us with an off-key redition of dex the halls. This is where her heart was just no longer in it. No, I think she's eating decorative fruit in this scene. Like, I don't think it's real fruit at this point.

No, this is dex the hot. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. So, but when we last left mom and uncle Ron, they weren't sure where case was and they'd gotten in in their head that perhaps the movie nappers kidnapped him. No real reason for that. No. Right.

They just thought that, but he wasn't kidnapped. He was telling the plot to co-macharlise some more. Yeah. And then suddenly with no transitional material or established issues, or anything, Case and Mom are in mom's bedroom talking about Superman and about how she's Superman too

when you think about it. This is the most porn set of all the spots too. Yeah, it's absolutely. It's the most, it's the, the, the, the, the, like you can see the painters drops underneath their feet. It's very, very, very porny. But yeah, this is what happens when a psychopath writes a scene for his psychopath family about what psychopaths they all are.

Because she's like, your dad's a Superman, the guy who wrote this film and he's like, no, you're a Superman. And she's like more like superwoman, who's just as strong as Superman, which by the way, isn't true. Superwoman isn't as strong as Superman. Really comfortable. What are you talking about? I'm just saying. Also, at one point, they're trying to talk about the thieves. And she says that the thief is like, quote, he's like a slippery hotdog.

And then the sun replies, yeah, with ketchup and mustard. Yes. I think his name is Weiner. Right. The character's last name is Weiner. Holy shit. I actually caught Yes. I think his name is Weiner and that's with you. Right. The character's last name is Weiner. Holy shit, I actually caught that. I'm so proud of myself. Yeah, but that's just the thing is that they think that that's then a joke, right? And they also think that with ketchup and mustard is an escalation of that joke.

The fact that we have to like reverse engineer the humor in this movie. Okay. Well, honestly, I appreciate it because I just thought they were like, oh, you know that old catchphrase. He's a real slippery hot dog. Yeah. With ketchup and look like nothing else they say in this movie makes fucking sense. Sure. You're right. Not that too. Yes, and on a plate on a table. In a house. The spun.

And underneath that house is the entire cast of parents' sight. So yeah, but mom breaks it to case at this point that, you know, it's entirely possible that seeing your movie might not cure your friend Charlie's coma. And cases like, you lack belief in God, you heathen. And she's like, oh, I guess this is a Christian movie. I guess this totally counts. He literally uses his Aquaman powers to talk to his dad across the world. He goes, Dad, hear me across the world.

And I was like, what the fuck is happening? Dad, I know you're wrestling an elephant and like fucking a despot or something, but we need to pray for Charlie Yes, literally Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me in the world and the fact that Kendall Vecchio also thinks he's religious, right? That's nothing worse than Kendall Vecchio throwing in his Christianity as a fucking apple. But also Jesus. Yeah, so the next morning, you know, all Congo all the time radio announces that Kendall Vecchio is now the hero of the Congo and he's overthrown the despotic government and replaced it with a democracy single-handedly. Is what he's doing in the movie that he wrote. Right. He did that via wrestling sometimes.

Yes. With his Olympic wrestling. But not in the movie, just via radio. He couldn't get the, right. The Congolese wrestling sections budget together. Yeah, exactly. Also general ringo came back on that alpaca, I guess, because now he's back in the DRC and he's helping with the freedom. He's the good guy. He's Bob Smith. Apparently, they didn't want to give

the evil dictator a black name. So his name is Bob Smith, the evil dictator that he overthrew. So yeah. So now mom gets another call from the movie nappers. Sit ups is going to eat at us during this conversation, which is lovely. His scenes weren't unpleasant enough. So now he's going to eat during them. Okay. Here's very clearly what happened, because at one point, she's like, we got all you can eat food when we worked on that movie, which definitely can pitch us to people when they agree to be in his film. He's like, and we're gonna get you a really nice Italian dinner too. Like don't you do not have to worry about food when you're working on jokers with tiramisu at the end. It will be unlimited.

Salad and breadsticks and breadsticks. Unlimited as many as I want. Seriously, infinite breadsticks. This is amazing. I'm a judge. That guy. I'm gonna kidnap your child if I don't have unlimited breadsticks is amazing. Okay. I'm a judge. That guy. I'm going to kidnap your child if I don't have them in the breast. Trust me, I got this guy off some hard time. He's going to give us all the bread. But what happened very clearly is that they the restaurant, this restaurant, again, the owner, he raped a bunch of kids.

Kendall vacuuming 30 days, served time. And so very clearly what happened is that they were like, well since we're using this space, can we have some pie? And the guy was like, is it in the scene? And they were like, yeah. Yes. I guess you're right. You're right.

And juice. So they have this weird conversation, which is clearly just Kendall Becky, trying to like work out the nuances of his stupid fucking plot through his character's dialogue, where they're like, but why would you, if you could sell the movie for more than a million dollars, why would you ransom it to us for it? This doesn't even make sense now. Anyway, so later that day, mom and uncle Ron are strategizing. This is by the way, the first time I realized

that mom's name was Cassandra, but everybody calls her Cass. So you have Cass and Case in this movie. Fucking dumb. But uncle Ron is still trying to talk her into going ahead and just paying the million dollars ransom, right? But mom doesn't think that Ajax would roll over so easily. He would do something heroic and awesome.

Because shirtless ad for protein shake with his. He'd fucking elephant. No. Okay. No. Should we have him back in the movie? I say we keep him in not here. Not yet. So yeah, and Uncle Ron explains he's like, you know, look, I know you want to get the police involved here, but if you do that, Charlie, coma Charlie will never wake up. So we're just all in accepting that the movie does have coma-curing powers, right?

Everybody's bought in now on that. Right. So Ron leaves, he's gonna figure this out on his own dammit. And just then mom gets a call from Ajax, the elephant wrestler. It's so crazy to hear you describe the things there. I shot my job is so dumb. So, so, so, uh, stay with me. He gets the call from the elephant wrestler in the Congo. throwing. It's a coup with the FBI. They do operate internationally in this universe. Just go with me. Then the

call is about the ransom on the guy with the Jew, the Jew voice Jew. I used to think that this, the through line of God off of movies was driving Heath insane. And now I think it's just making Noah describe stupider and stupider shit. And I honestly, I thought screensaver fish was the Nadir. I thought that was it. I thought when we had him do 90 minutes of screensaver fish. That was the time when I was a little bit.

So yes, so the reception's terrible on the phone. So she can't hear what he's saying, but she can't explain the entire plot to him in case he wants to just show up and save the day in the final scene, right? Yeah. She also did this casual mention that Kendall Vecchio clearly insisted on. He was like, you're my wife in the real universe, too. You have to say that I win at sports betting and you're gonna use all the amazing money that I won by betting on sports in northern New Jersey.

I'm a genius of sports betting. I won 100% with my full heart believe that Kendall Vecchio bets on sports. And I have the same concrete faith that he is not up on those bets. And I have that same concrete faith that if you asked him, his, his, I'm up a little, I'm up a little bit though. It's not huge, but I'm up a little, I'm up a little bit though. It's not huge, but I am up a little bit. You got to buy the dip. Okay.

See, this would have talked about not pointing out that I'm on the other side of the coin. Kedya, thank you. His coin has porn mansions. Where's my porn mansion? And he says movie was in danger of not being racist enough. I should point out that while he's on the, well, she and in case this movie was in danger of not being racist enough, I should point out that while he's on the, well, she's on the phone with him in Africa, she hears some typical Africa sound effects in the background that being an elephant and gunshots.

Yup. The sounds of Africa. I think there was another accent bit if you think about it. So, okay. So meanwhile, the movie nappers are prepping for their big night. It's Christmas Eve and this is the night that they're going to get their million dollars. Then we get a montage of some of the lovely Christmas lights in the nearby neighborhoods to Kendall Vecchio. Literally just Montclar, New Jersey. It's like five minutes from my fucking house.

Yeah, it's really close. We were there. So weird. It's so weird. It's creepy. Imagine how fucked up it would be to see your house in. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. We might as well walk through the scene and be like, oh, the scene, reviewing a Kendall Vecchio.

Just bending around our heads or inside our asses now. I don't know how it happened. Yeah. I bet if we, let me throw this out there, if we kidnapped Kendall, Vicki, oh, son, he would try to leave me. So no rather than calling the cops and I think that's worth it. That's absolutely correct. So therefore, I'm calling Andrew right now, people. Okay. So yeah, now we get mom and uncle Ron getting ready to leave. They've got their million dollars in a, in a duffle bag. Apparently she just had that much in cash

on her. Is the seat and whole game. I bet on the seat and whole game is a big thing. It's from the, it's from the protein shakes. Right. Yeah. So now, but now mom and Ron are meeting with the movie nappers for the for the handoff at a wrestling mat in the high school gym. Okay. Someone says the craziest sentence I've ever heard here and I really need to talk about it. Okay. He goes, when I spell the word bear, you're gonna throw the money.

What? Yes, fuck is that? And I don't care that the characters go, why not just do one, two, three, or four, three, two, one? But the fact that it entered any human's brain, like on the spell of bear, we're gonna throw it. I, humanity is a failed experiment because the result of that sentence. Okay, here's, I think why that happened.

They decided we're gonna do some amazing homophone bits for the next 45 minutes. Yep. And the best, they could not think of two homophones other than bear and bear for a while. And they were like, it's gotta be count of bear. That's all we have. We've been here forever.

Trying to think of homophones. Well, so there's pretty damn sure that they've got a good four minutes of stick here, right? Yeah. Because they go on with that and then he starts to spell it and he's like, wait, wait, B-E-A-R bear or B-A-R-E, and they don't even have the sense to make the joke that, right? They don't even have the sense to have somebody stop him when he gets to B or whatever. They wait until he's done and then they do it. Yeah, but this goes on for fucking ever get homophones that aren't the exact same number

of letters. Then there's like something there. Right. So this is like Eli writing comedy after he smokes a joint, right? The this entire bit is the stuff that Eli throws away in the morning when he's so person. Yeah. This is this is dip the balloon in icy cold water made into movie form. What? And then so yes, it's it. So they give them the million dollars, but instead of giving the hard

drive with the movie on it to the wife and uncle Ron, they give them a sandwich. Oh, what? And then he threatens. He's like, I have in my possession, these three explosive tennis balls that will blow you to smithereens if I throw a mat. Well, sorry, I have to point out what she says when he crosses them. Yes, because she says, you can't cross us,

and then she says my new catchphrase, we come from a wrestling family. That's right. And I have no idea what that means, but it's a threat. It's very clearly. I'm saying, if anyone starts a fight for me from now on, it's I come from a wrestling family.

Okay. Drive a dance stratus. You don't talk to me like that. That's... And then bear with me here audience. I'm just going to have to ask you to trust me for the remainder of this sentence. Kendall Vecchio runs into the room into wrestling ones. He makes a few funny faces, quacks like a duck trying anal for the first time and then

wrestles sit ups to the ground. Yep. Is what happens in the movie. And I have to point out like really wrestles the actor like it's night fight choreography. He really just throws that actor on the ground. Yes, obviously like not a fan of it. Right. And it's like wait, stop too hard.

Too hard would roll slowly just roll it. And then everyone else in the scene pulls out a giant very real gun. Yes. All of them are Michael Skarn at the exact same time. Yes. I can't think of a room full of people I want to have guns less. I want them all to have guns together in a room. But no leaving the room. The room is very stable.

You're in the room forever now. In this wrestling room, I'm cool with it. Yeah, right, right. So, but just so then, Ron double crosses all of them. It turns out that this entire movie napping was Ron's plan, because he's sick and tired of living in the shadow of Ken Delvecchio's immeasurable awesomeness.

Yep, right. By the way, the entire time this is going on, Kendall Vecchio has sit-ups in a headlock and he keeps re-squeezing him like, ow, ow, like you can see. Kendall Vecchio won't stop real life wrestling this actor. Also, I think Kendall Vecchio couldn't help, but in real life, be like, I like beer and bacon wraps, scallops. Oh God, that's, I forgot about that. I forgot about that. I forgot about that.

He just yells that out and I was like, fuck, you know what? I like beer and bacon. I also like beer and I fucking agree with this movie, right? Maybe we're all on the other side of the Kendall Vecchio going on. And then Kendall Vecchio is like, well, how could you do this to my wife? She's your sister. She's like, ah, she's my step sister. And sit up says sister step sister.

Who cares? I'm a heath cares, dammit. Heath care. Heath and the media he can. I was distracted by this scallops in the beer. There's also a great moment where Ken tell back you know, he's like in his wrestling Wednesday and you

could just see he is visibly out of breath from holding his gut in for so long. It's so sad. It's I know I also dress in silly outfits as part of entertainment. Yes, same time. I go down to the coin, but I'm aware.

Yes. You realize it's a joke that my side of the coin knows he's enjoying it. But just wouldn't look like the bad guys are going to get away with it. Case shows up. The kid also in a wrestling ones Z and takes down Uncle Ron. And he's supposed to like say a line, you know, as part of this, but the kid doesn't realize that he needs to either say it before or after the take down. Yeah.

So he just comes screaming on to set midline, turning his head this way and that without respect to where the fucking microphone is. God only knows what the fuck he says. And these pretzels are making me thirsty. I will tell you what he says, because it's the craziest line ever written. What he says is he runs on and hip throws his uncle onto the ground is off to the shadows of a prison cell world. No, so yes, that's actually mom's line afterwards. Yes. Yes. Mom picks up the gun. Listen to me. Someone wrote into the script of this movie off to the shadows of a prison

cell world and they kept it. Okay. Is that maybe a reference to a play-doh and the allegory of the cake. It could be. I think it might be. That is Kendall Beck you'll get an artsy dammit. Yeah. And then again, audience, I just, I have to ask you to trust me on this one. It's free on Amazon, by the way, if you want to check my work. And then an entire team of wrestlers runs into the room out of nowhere and drags the movie napper so they can tie them up, beat the crap out of them and send them to a Congolese prison.

Yep. And in real life, this is just Kendall Vecchio's shitty like dad karate wrist control team softball bowling, whatever the fuck. And they're like, we want to be in thing at the end and have bigger naps, Calves. Let us do the arrest. That's right. Now, what if the arrest took place in your brother's restaurant?

Now, you want me to do it? He got a different judge and he's going to jail for like 20 five years. Right. All those kids. And okay. And then we fall back into the movie inside the movie where we see agent Delveque O the ableism joke and his sexy translator one more time. They're in Martin Coves office. Now as you'll recall, I'm sure, you know, because again, you've been putting the pushpins

in the yard into your cork board as you went along. Martin Coves character is blind. So he doesn't realize they're there. And he's singing Yankee Doodle in a way that you wouldn't do if you realized there were other people in the room. Okay, but he's actually improvising Yankee Doodle. Yes. In the, he's like Yankee Doodle up and down and crosswise and a hell mouth. Go inside the eyes of God and come out of born baby. It's nonsense. It's fucking nonsense. And the movie never acknowledges it and it makes me so sad.

And then there's like a there's a moment there where like I guess Ken Delveque was character wins the day, but we don't know enough about what the hell is supposed to be happening in this movie for any of that to make sense. Hospital or S. Yeah. And then elsewhere, we go back to prisoner doctor, lady, in the hospital where she gets roped into imaginary emergency surgery on JJ Walker.

Mm-hmm. They have to shock him back to life. They killed him to find out so that he could figure out if there was a god. Yeah, he couldn't figure that out. Yeah, he doesn't know. So he's like, take a shot. Not enough information.

I'm still agnostic. Fuck, all right. Yeah. Yeah, but that's supposed to be, I was like supposed to be humor. I just again, I feel like I need to point that out. And that resolved something else in a movie that we have two little contacts to know about.

Hospital arrests. Yeah. And then, yeah, we go back to Martin Cove and in case you're not recognizing him, we then cut to everybody watching the movie with Coma Charlie and they're all doing the the crane technique because they're like remember him from this movie from the one with the cobra thing My wife Me as both huh, nope

So but this is the big moment right where they finally get to show the movie to com a charlie and see if it wakes him up it doesn't it does not know so everyone leaves the room and and then when can case starts telling com a charlie that it turns out his dad is a cia super agent that single-handedly took down an entire communist

government and replaced it with a democracy. And then he's like, also, can I climb into the bed and start grabbing your bits and pieces, it's wrestling. It's wrestling. And the kid wakes up. He's like, I'll get off me. Get off. Get off me.

I'm awake. Hooray. I'm awake and you can't wrestle me anymore. Don't turn the camera off. Yeah, right. Yeah. So the kid wakes up and he's like, hey, get off me. That really is the line they give him.

And then everybody rushes in. The kid looks to the ceiling and says, and I quote, it's a miracle. It's a true Christmas miracle. And then the movie ends and we get no shit five more minutes of Kendall Vecchio's kids wrestling high winds. It's like he was like, you know what? I don't want to keep all this storage space on my hard drive over the kids wrestling. I like what if Amazon kept them on there for us, and then whenever we want to watch your wrestling, we could just watch a wrestling Christmas miracle.

Yeah. All right, so what did we learn, guys? What was the moral of a wrestling Christmas mirror? Nope. Nope. Hahaha. Fair. All right, well, I guess that's gonna do it for our review

of a wrestling Christmas miracle, but that's not gonna do it for our review of a wrestling Christmas miracle, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back in for next year. It'll be next year next time. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. New year? New. Same podcasts. Yeah. We'll be watching the 1953 Monster Movie Robot Monster. That sounds Christian. It's a very Christian. I just wanted to do that one. Okay, sounds fair.

So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 384 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch something among their ranks, you can make a per episode of nationuppatreon.com. So that's got awful.

And thereby you're gonna be able to access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help a ton by leaving the five star review and sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a the citation a D&D minus and the skeptic credit of a little wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments just in a matter of suggestions, you can

email got off of movies and Gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, provided by the law, if this is a PNR, TORONUS Timorops and takes care of our social media, our theme song is written in a performance by Ryan Slotman, give people a draft seminars, all the other music was written in a performance by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, who was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for a heat-and-right-need-life hosting. I'm Noluson, it's a promise to work hard to earn another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

After watching this movie, Heath no longer has object permanence. And now... What? Despite a movie's worth of objection, nobody believes that Kendall Vecchio was just wrestling that outfit. Eli is very different from Kendall Vecchio. Very. I went on to be a parent.

Because many attributes that he doesn't share with Kendall Vecchio. Look around. Can you see him right now from your house? I can see a mirror. I feel like if I took peyote and started dreaming, I would understand this movie and it would make me a big sense. Yeah, we should try that. I was going to set, we should do shrooms when you guys are here and watch it again and watch this without

the watching part. That's just right. Right. We should do one episode on war. That's what we should do. We should like that. Make a Patreon go one episode on mushrooms won't be funny, but we'll laugh a lot. But like too much. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on the Thunderstrum LLC, but we'll laugh a lot, but like too much. Shrooms.