God Awful Movies - 385: Robot Monster

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

This week, the gang takes on the 1953 B-movie classic, Robot Monster. It's the story of a costuming department that realized it's report was due day of. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

This writer really flexes here. He, his line is, he's like, at what point on the graph do must and cannot meet? It's him getting fans. How do you calculate that? I wrote my notes. He's version of a love poem. Okay. I mean, it's pretty easy. Just f of x equals g of x. If's like you can grab those two things. I'm the intersection point. I don't know if you're referring to a love poem or how to calculate on a grant. So they have fun, so it's equal to each other. Yeah.

On the intersection points, it is romantic. It's a weird comment you made. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be This is a fantastic piece of cinema. It really is. It's so much fun. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast,

this is my bad friend Eli Bostic, Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing. Noah, back in my elements. Yeah, right? So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched robot monster. That's the title. And it's a pointy love story about a robot space gorilla and a Nazi scientist

and the Nazi scientist's best friend and his stepdaughter and his stepson. Yep. It's Yep, it's it was confusing to me, but but also not confusing to me. Yeah. Clarifying in many ways. Right. That's the word. That's the dark cross lovers. It was a lot like Romeo and Juliet, actually, if you think about it in many ways. Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the creature features of the 1950s, but you never really appreciated the subtlety and thoughtful plotting of the thing that rose from the dark and the skin here. You will love this. This is a movie that the 1950s looked at and said, ah, that fucking sucked. Right. Yeah. No, this is a great, like if you love watching bad movies, if you got some

friends over that want to watch a bad movie, this is a great selection. Turn 70 this year. You sure did. And Eli, I'm not complaining here because this was a goddamn delight, but why in the world did you pick this movie for us? Okay. So here's here was my thinking. It was my thinking for those like, I got like 18 tweets that were like, huh? And I was like, hear me out, here me out. There's no good Christian New Year's Eve movies. We did one on like the second year of this podcast. And since then, Pure Flix has been like, I don't celebrate no years when I'm like, oh, no, can that make sense?

Classic reminder that the Earth isn't the age you think it is. I can understand. So I was like, all right, New Year's Eve tradition established one of the old terrible movies from my old Blu-ray collection that I miss that will never otherwise fit into our show New Year's Eve. Bam, nailed it. Awesome.

Well, do you want, if you wanted to sell me on an annual tradition, this was the way to do it. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for me the best of me the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best best sexual circuitry repair hell yeah. They there's two characters that do that. They do some circuitry repair and every single time everything they say is a sex thing and it is bananas and they're like just push the soldering iron a little further in right there.

Can you loo bit literally that's a line? Can you? Yeah, I think it's, I think it was supposed to be loop, but yeah, we all heard Lou. Yeah. You want to do a little solder me, right? Come on. Well, at the whole time, the director thinks they're doing like the pottery scene from ghost or whatever and we're like, it's, it's wires, man. in the sun. It's wires. Oh, the fuck down. Also, like, there's no way to sexually solder. So in real life, it would just be like, yep, well, I've destroyed that board by gently caressing the entire thing with the soldering. There's nobody really likes the soldering iron.

You just put your mouth on the circuits. There you go. Great. All right. So I'm sorry to steal the easy one here, but best worst costume. Yeah. I mean, we'll get there and we'll stay there for a while.

We'll live in swim and revel there, like Scrooge McDuck and his gold vault, but holy fucking shit, the monster costume and this thing is so amazing. If ever a costume said, no, of course this isn't the final thing. And I of course, I'm going to take best worst sexual offering replacement. Sure. So I haven't seen this movie for a few years and I've made it about like 10, 20 minutes

in and I was like, oh man, did I just choose like a cheesy creature feature? I feel like I'm not gonna give any, no, and he didn't do anything to make jokes about. And then my best worst happened. And I was like, nope, this is the gem that I remember. Okay. All right, well, tell you what,

to go this far back in time, we're gonna need a minute to get up to 88 miles per hour. So we're gonna pause for a quick break. But when we come back, we'll dive into all the generational misogyny of robot monster. Dude, we're gonna die. We're not gonna die. We're gonna go broke.

Hey, hey guys, what's all the hubbub? So, he's in, I can't decide what our New Year's resolutions should be. I wanna eat healthier. Yeah. And I want to save money, but there's no way we can do both. Well, why don't you guys just try Hello Fresh? What's Hello Fresh? First one of the year feels good.

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I love learning new cooking techniques from the recipes, which is why I, Ethan Wright, personally endorse it as a product. But where can we sign up? Just go to HelloFresh.com slash Awful21 and use the code Awful21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. So we go to HelloFresh.com slash Awful21 and use code Awful21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. That we go to hellofresh.com slash awful 21 and use code awful 21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. That's right. Well, looks like we can both have our New Year's resolution after all, Heath. Yeah, I guess it does. Oh, hey, since that's just one, maybe

you guys could also result to stop like calling back to jokes that I had to edit out to make, to make my job easier. No, can do, buddy. I don't think I could promise to jokes that I had to edit out to make to make my job easier. No can do buddy. I don't think I could promise to do that for this episode. No. Okay. And that's when I said to her, what do you need to learn a drive at car for? The kids are at home. Exactly. Hey fellas, what do you think? Uh, of what? My costume you're my own. It's for our movie. Your costume for the movie called Robot monster is Gorilla suit I mean sure there's nothing more monstrous than a gorilla is there I mean well, you know they're large and all but do not

Monsters well, I think they're pretty scary Okay, I mean even if they are scary. They're not robot monsters Right, I thought you might say they are scary, they're not robot monsters. Right, I thought you might say that. And that's why I brought this. I, a scuba helmet. Or is it a robot helmet? It's a scuba helmet.

Well, it could be a robot helmet. After all, when have you ever seen a gorilla in a scuba helmet? I mean, I, I guess so. Sure, sure. Yeah, it's fine. Now, did you guys get my script notes about letting me carry that girl around some more? We got them. Yeah, we all got them. We all got them, Larry. Gonna carry her so fucking hard.

And we're back for the breakdown. But before we get into the movie, I have like a fucking page and a half of notes about the opening credits. Sure so do I. There's a guy in this movie named John Mylong. Yes. Nice. So, okay, so this movie, it starts off

by crediting a stereo director and a stereo technician. That's where we are technologically. And then it says, photograph to true stereo three dimension process. And at first I was like, what, fuck, and black and white 3D picture, how do you do that? And then I realized,

they mean sound. Yup, what? The sound is three dimension. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Did it used to be two and they invented that? To create flat microphones, the first go around feeling couldn't stand at the run angle. Also, there's a credit for the billion bubble machine.

Yes, the automatic billion bubble machine, which by the way, we will see throughout this movie is the saddest one I bought from my son for three dollars at Target and throw in the garbage every six weeks when it breaks because I don't want to change the batteries is so much better than this fucking modern technological masterpiece that they had to get permission for in this fucking film that made it into the credits. Yeah.

It's like maximum 35 bubbles in the entire movie. The billion bubble machine got a credit. Cause in 1953, that thing took up a house. Right, you had to feed it with cards that had bubbles. No, the thing was as big as like a fucking curio cabinet. Yeah.

It's amazing. It's funny cause a sky net can make big bubbles. Actually, oh, nice. So and so and they're introducing the cast to us during these credits, right? They'll show the picture and and tell us who that character is or whatever. But the music, like assumes these people are the Legion of fucking doom. Okay. Right.

So it's like, imagine the Brady bunch opening, but oh, fortuna is playing, right? It's insane So the music starts playing over the credits and I was like okay the Sugar Plum Fairy is getting tortured to death Presumably a robot monster. That's what I had music note. Hey Steve Do you any any music from that Christmas special about that baby who died still lying? Yes, it's so weird like, dun dun dun.

Dun dun dun dun. Yes. So and also, by the way, these credits are over top of like a pile of comics that had a real hedge in our bets on which title we're going with field to it. Because like one of them, one of the comics was called robot monster, but there was like five or six other possibilities. So, but ultimately we open on a kid wearing a like a homemade space man suit playing with this super annoying gun, this toy gun.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, can we start the movie with 40 seconds of the most irritating noise possible? Say no more, fam. Say no more. Yeah. No, look, if those are the toy guns that kids had when cops shot them, it's not because they thought they were real, okay? Yeah.

It's the, oh, Jesus. He's being aggressive with those 30 bubbles. So, but so he comes out of the woods and his little space man outfit, his little sisters there. He's like, bang, I shot you and she's like, good, can we play something else? Cause this is fucking dumb. This sucks. I'm a woman in the 50s.

You just saved me a lot of trouble. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, we'll see a lot of it too. But he's like, no, wander into the woods with me and play aliens and she's like, fine, I'll wander into the woods. So the two of them come across this cave

where there are a couple of strangers working, a couple of archaeologists says it's going to turn out. And he's opening line. The little kid, Johnny goes like, bang, you're dead to him by way of introduction. Ah, the 50s just going up to grown men that you've never met and being like, bang, a shot you. We're out in the middle of nowhere together now. It's insane. And then the adults are like,

oh, don't worry kids, we're Nazi archaeologists. It'll be fine. And then they, one of them sits on his lap, like Santa Claus, it's terrifying. Holes the child onto his lap. Right. Like, yeah, it's not the kids idea. He's like, oh, come here, little a Johnny

and sit on my lap. He's like, oh, come here, little Johnny and sit on my lap. He's like, oh, okay, that's weird. It's got a German accent. It's not meant to be creepy, but it is. What an incredibly intimate thing you would do to a strange child on your 70 years before this recording. Jesus.

Also, like, they're in this cave, so there's supposed to be like the winds out of a cave, sound in the background. So that's supposed to be like the the winds out of a cave sound in the background So it's a fucking banshee orgasm is going on just off camera. Yeah, but they explain that their archaeologist and they found a cave painting So the kid looks at the cave painting. We don't really see it. We just see a few lines But he's like, oh is that some kind of robot monster alien and they're like What a fuck would you say that? They'd know.

It's obviously it's not that. I was dropping the title. You don't fuck just doing that. Right. But just then mom and his older sister, his like teenage sister Alice show up to find him. Yeah. And she says this weird thing.

She's like, you promised to take a nap after lunch. You fucking liar. And like to sort of play along with it. The archaeologist guy, the non-Terman Sunday one is like, Hey, little Johnny, don't worry, I had to take a nap after lunch until I was 21. Yeah. Do you guys take naps? I wish.

Yeah, no, apparently that was a thing. I assumed if any of us took naps, it would be you. Back when I was a kid, we'd take a long nap after lunch, then we'd wake up and mom would give us a few long cigarettes each, and we'd have a fun afternoon. Quite the thing to run around with while you played with exploding sharp fire, creating toy. Right. Paul Maul smooth.

And I also love to, there's this moment where like, basically, to mom and the older sister shows up and she and Johnny's just like, Hey, there's an old one and a young one. I found somebody for both of you guys to fuck, right? Yeah, he immediately pips off his family. Yeah. So they go back because apparently they're out in this bolder field for a picnic, right? But the promise was that they were going to have the picnic and then everybody was going to take a nap together and some kind of a weird family unit sleeping ritual that we don't

have anymore. I guess by nap they all mean like collapse right where you are. I can only assume they end their their picnic with, you know, an ether frolic to our boober listeners. Was that a thing? Did you just go out in public and all sleep as a family unit under the sun and then just lose consciousness? The minute you stopped eating.

We need to eat a raw side of beef. It was pretty heavy. And we all take a nap and then we'd have a phosphate soda and some bright eggs. But yeah, and so now, of course, we learn in this little pre-napped picnics scene that Johnny's dad is dead. If he was alive, he'd let me sit day on that stranger Nazi archaeologist lab. And he's ready for mom to go ahead and start getting some new dick, right? Mm-hmm.

And he's like, you know what? I'll invite a Nazi scientist to be the dick. There you go. So that's the plot. Yeah, I think because the movie forgets what happens now, what's happening now. Yeah, the movie forgot about entirely. It's gonna get fucking weird here in a second.

So everybody falls asleep, but Johnny fakes it, right? So he gets up once everybody else is asleep and he runs back to the cave. And when he gets to the cave, we have this ridiculous lightning bolt effect that I guess knocks Johnny unconscious. Could they not afford someone just wiggling their arm at him and going, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just,

just because I feel like that would have been better. If a cardboard cut out of a lightning bolt had slowly descended from above the camera and tapped him on the hat, it would have been better. Yes. Just the guy in a black leotard carrying it across the screen. So yeah, so he falls unconscious. We see a sparkler descending from the heavens and then we get a kind of a fucked up scene which I should put up as a like a content warning for anybody who might want to watch this along with us, because this is, we're, we watch like a scene where two lizards are

fighting, where they've like coaxed an iguana and a baby crocodile into a fight and very clearly the iguana gets killed or whatever the fuck that other lizard was. Yeah, right. And then they put like dinosaur little costumes onto those pets like a bug wearing a vest. Yeah, that's the crazy thing about this scene. They obviously fight their pet lizards to the death, but then they also have claymation stegasauruses. Yes.

So even if you were going to use the excuse like, well, look, it's the 1950s, we need animal cruelty. No, you did, you had footage of dinosaurs you you were like outback Staging a cock fight with your pet crocodiles and your boss walked in you were like this is for Robot monster Really where are you gonna put this footage the beginning? No, I should also I should clarify that he's right though They did put a little like

spino-saurus costume on the baby crocodile. They did, yeah. Right, like they glued a little fan to the bed. It's that very fucked up scene, but also, yeah, some claimation triceratopses, which was nice. So, okay, so Johnny wakes up and at first I wrote, is he in some kind of ash cloud or bug swarm or what, but no, he's in the billion bubble machine. And by the way, this is the most bubbles that'll ever crank out.

And like he's teased, it's about 12. Yeah, no, it's certainly not in the triple digits. You have to pay extra to get a billion bubbles worth of bubble fluid. But the machine, yeah, but they the machine. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's over the lifetime of the machine. You can get one billion and one bubbles. So yeah, they don't all come out at once. So anyway, so Johnny wakes up and he's like, oh, I better, I don't know, fucking butter

these cables. I have no idea what it is. He's trying to do. But then there's another lightning flash. So he runs and he hides behind a rock nearby. You know, like, just hitting me with lightning once, shame on you, et cetera. And this is where we're going to get the first look at our antagonist, Roman, the rotund space gorilla. I forgot how fat the gorilla suit is. Oh my god. Are you remember the gorilla suit? but you're always in your head, you're like you're exaggerating

how fat the gorilla suit, but the gorilla suit is real. He's a quite a full body. Look, I don't want to fucking fat shame a robot space gorilla, right? Like obviously, but like this, what do we always say Noah? This guy, no, this costume costume is it's shaped like grimace Yeah, it's just ridiculous. It's huge and it's all ass and the guy doesn't fit in it like the guy inside Like if this was a fat guy I'd be like okay that a fat guy who was but no There's a very clear skinny guy because whenever he walks this giant

There's a very clear skinny guy because whenever he walks this giant Huffing fucking dome bounces back and forth on his normal human-sized body So he looks like he walks like he's thick too like he like he knows what he's got going on Yeah, exactly so but now it's not just Unenormously fat gorilla. It's also got a spuck in enormously fat gorilla. It's also got a fucking Guba helmet with two antennas sticking out of it. Mm-hmm. So it's space, right? Yeah. Okay, so they were like we need to make an Alien from space gorilla and somebody's like, okay, I'm gonna write down gorilla scuba helmet And that's and they were done and that's what I think what happened is they were gonna go with gorilla like, Hey, Hey, guys, how would a space gorilla breathe on earth? And they're like, right? He would be, no, it would be antennas on top of the scuba. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for that correction,

because I would hate for our movie to look bad. And now you've done that. She would look stupid. People will take this movie very seriously now. She would do something sexual with that. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. We're going. I know. You're, I know. You're, we're all wondering when are we going to fill in the space gorilla sexuality soon. And I'm happy to promise you it's the last 25 minutes of the film. So. All right. So he, but so he walks out. The kids hiding off to the side, romance the space gorilla turns on his like space TV. We see like some asteroids for a minute. This is apparently a loading screen or like a screen saver. But eventually he gets his boss on the line

another helmeted space gorilla and explains to us that he's just destroyed all of Earth, except for eight people. Right. Except he didn't really do that. So he got lucky. Like the plan is the space grillers who're taking over Earth. This guy went down there and he's explaining to the boss.

He's like, yeah, so I'm getting ready to take over the whole planet like you told me to. Then they all knew each other who's like a big freebie. So there's still a left though. I love that he had to in their own movie. He had to intervene and be like, no, no, that is me. I just to please stop genocide of each other because I'm here to genocide. This is an overtime union. We want your cities. We just don't want you in them. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently he has a cosmic where he was they call the calcinator ray has a cosmic, or he was, they call the calcinator ray. And that's what he's killing all of the humans within the way they get

this effect. I was so fucking stupid. They'll just like flash to like negative film for a second here and there. And there'll be a sound. That's the calcinator ray. We're going to see a lot of it. Yeah. The calcinator ray gets more and more vague like this. This is the clearest they get about what the calcinator ray is. By the end, the gorilla might as well just shrug his shoulders and be like, you know, man, calcinator. Yeah, calcinator. Oh, and now also we should clarify that he didn't just kill the humans.

He says to his boss at this point, there is no life left above the level of lepidoptra. That's fucking butterfly. So he might sound the weasels and the mice and the fish. Also, that's an order. So it doesn't even, how do you rank what ranking system are they even alluding to there? Doesn't make any sense. Well, you got to set your calcium ray very specifically. It's a whole, I don't know if you're familiar. Also, it's weird that he has to do cleanup

on the eight people left alive, right? Yeah. I feel like I don't know what the monkeys are planning to do with the planet, but I feel like having eight humans just wandering around can't possibly affect that plan that much. I also feel like, you know, once you knock out like the first, you know, 5.999999 billion people or whatever, like they could send somebody else to do the remaining eight, couldn't they? Yeah, maybe a janitor. No, but the boss is like clean, plate award or no.

Do you want to find those last eight? So yes, he's like, go out and find those eight people and kill them. And he's like, yes, sir, we'll do. He hangs up his phone and he goes back into his cave. I guess to check and see if there's like back there. So take a shit. Or yeah, maybe that's it. So then, so Johnny runs off.

And then, who, boy, I looked up a bunch of plots and obfsees to see what the fuck was going on. Right? So what had, there's a time cut here that the movie doesn't tell us about. And not only does the movie not tell us about the time cut, but the time cut cuts from one time of Johnny running away from that cave, having seen the alien to a different time of Johnny running from that cave, having seen an alien. Yeah. That's what's happening here. It takes me a minute, but apparently a bunch of time has passed. Mom is now married to the professor and Johnny is coming back from wandering outside the

safe zone where they're masked from the alien's detector race. And everybody has memento disease. They're just trying to confuse you here. Yeah. Exactly. Now, we will, I might as well just say it up, but we will eventually learn that this is Johnny's dream. You know, this is before that was too cliche to still use. And that's why like nothing makes any fucking sense. But like it was, it was awful nice of them to let us figure that out. I feel like nothing about this movie made fucking sense and they were

sitting there in one of those quiet we done fucked up creative meetings that we've all been in and someone was just like, it could be the cream. It could be the cream. Yeah, you just want to do the dreams. So yeah, so but the kid explains to the professor that he saw Roman the robot monster or chowbaka as I've got him in my notes. Fantastic. Down by the cave and apparently he's setting up camp there for his like mission to kill the remaining eight humans. Just gotta fucking, first of all,

it's a good thing they're all grouped together and he isn't like, oh God, ones in California and the other ones in Catman do shit. Right. I gotta get a bus. I blew up all the buses, fuck. God damn it. Maybe I could ride a fish.

No. Oh damn. How many butterfly, it's going to take a lot of butterflies to carry me. I am a big boy. So okay. And then the kid, I love this. The kid says to the professor, he's like, maybe we could kill him, huh, Pop?

But he delivers it like he was asking if they could stop by the mulch shop on the way home or something, right? Oh, what do you say, Pop? Maybe we could get some baseball cards and fight back as a race against our alien friends, or else, get a new tire from my bicycle. Also, I feel like they're all calling him dad too quickly. Yeah. Yeah.

This is still like first name territory, especially with a Nazi scientist. Yeah. I feel like he's still Joseph for whatever. So, but dad points out, he's like, look, Johnny, all the armies of the world couldn't take down. Roman, what makes you think we could? And Alice, the older sister is like, well, we could find his weak spot. That will never come back. Nope.

Right. That line exists for its own sake. He has no weak spot. They'll never take him out. They just felt like the sister needed to say something smart just then. What if we make him do cardio in the desert? The director of this movie is pranking this actor and making more grill suit all over the desert the whole time.

What if we buy him shoes and ask him to tie them? Huh? So okay. So and then this is where the sister also points out she's like, you know, maybe we're not the only people alive. Maybe there are still some people on the space platform, because we're so early in history that the idea of the determined space station hadn't been sort of solidified as what that thing is called. Yeah, well, you would hang it on a couple of especially robust angels at this point with

the game. Yeah, so. So 53. And then so just as they're saying, like, oh, how could we get in touch with the space platform? They get a call on their giant TV phone, but it's from Roman, the space gorilla. They get a face time from the Vag gorilla in a space helmet.

Yeah, which implies that like either they have been in constant communication with the destroyer of the earth or they are very casual about the genocider of all humanity just ringing them up. Well, also like they're the last remaining people on earth. Why do you have FaceTime? Right. Like, think about all the technology you'd have to dedicate to that.

But okay, but he's like, I have, you know, run my calculations and I know that there are only five of you left alive. I don't know where you are, damn it, but I know you're around here somewhere and I'm gonna come kill you. But if you give yourselves up, I promise to kill you lightly. That's gonna be his whole promise

throughout the rest of the movie, is that if they give themselves up, he'll kill them much better than if he has to go find. It will be a less painful death. Yeah. And they're constantly talking about negotiation. Right. So that's what's happening.

That's the power dynamic. And constantly these people are like, what if we, you know, use some of our bargaining chips? What bargaining chips? We have no right. Yes. Exactly. What if he I'll tell you what I'll tell him that I'll pretend it hurts, even if it doesn't. That all really fuck up his off. I won't ruin it for him. Maybe orgasm to death is a different. There's a real. We don't know, the aliens have all kinds of types. Let's hold, let's see what else is in outfits, change the meeting location. Now, so also, so we sneak in just in case you weren't confused enough, we sneak into this portion of the movie, the fact that Roy, who was the younger of the two archaeologists, was dating Alice, but the two of them broke up so hard that he left the

protected buffer zone where the alien couldn't detect them. See, and my friends, this is the difference between a bad movie and a great bad movie, right? There's lots of bad movies of, oh, we're the last humans that thought it and we're getting face time by the evil aliens. However, we fight back, but it takes robot monster to be like, wait, wait, let's catch everyone up on the breakups and make up the cast so far. Yeah, they tell us very specifically about that messy breakup.

Roy apparently wouldn't admit that Alice was good in her field. Yes. Of science, I guess. So he stormed out angrily of the electric invisibility fort that saves his life from the genocidal alien of the only protection left for humanity. Yeah. And by the way, while they're filling us in on that, like, romance is still on the line. Right. He's on the phone going just like, guys, I'm right.

Fucking here. Would you like me to leave? I feel I just killed most of living things on this planet. And this is being a really yikes Arunee. You know what I mean? You guys are reenacting a messy breakup. It's like meta imbar it's really bad. And also, and then he's like, hey,

like, you know, just so that we can get back on track, I have some video here that I took of me destroying your entire species. So we placed this this video on it. At first, we get a couple of mushroom plots, but then we just get an aerial shot of a neighborhood with that silly negative film effect and the ZZ and we're supposed to be like, oh, but all those people in those houses died. So just to be clear, after the aliens conquer earth, they're going to show their fucking vacation slides to the remaining. Oh, right. No, and this is the Eiffel Tower blowing up.

That was fun. So, okay. So he hangs up mom and the professor walk up to discuss his heath was saying, like, you know, the negotiation strategy, you know, like maybe we could talk him into just cutting off our legs or whatever the fuck they think they can do here. And then we cut back over to the cave, right? Romana is retiring for the 90s time with his phone call. And as he retreats into the cave, we see Roy, who's all vagabonding and torn shirted, sneaking up on his equipment like he's going to sabotage it.

Okay. So to be clear, he pretended that Alice was bad in her field to cover for his heroic plan by staging a messy breakup so that the rest of the family wouldn't know that he's going to do the hero thing. I don't think so because he's not going to do a hero thing, right? He's going to like walk up to the billion bubble machine accidentally hit the make-aloud noise button and then run away. Yeah, run away, yelping.

But I love that. Well, that's a classic heroic ring and run thing, right? That makes so much more sense. Bag of shit right in front of the cave. Because I was wondering what the fuck that beginning was for, but if it's a plot that does, that makes more sense than him just being like, Oh, hot. Okay.

Guys, my plan of pushing one button and then running away screaming didn't work out. Right. Yeah, because he goes right back to them afterwards. But yeah, so, so he runs off. He also hides behind a right luckily for the characters in this movie. Romand never thinks of walk all the way out of the cave and then look both left and right. No, no, he's a metal gale your solid guard. Yeah, exactly. And like Roy's out there just like with a newspaper and whistling so it's fine.

Well, I can't be a human. That's a newspaper. Yeah. Right. Right. So he calls his boss again on the space phone. And he's phone and he's like look man I'm I'm at my fucking wits end the calcinator ray is not working I just I don't know what else to do and the boss is like you're a giant fucking monkey just just punch them in the head or something until they're dead and Roman Roman's like offended by that suggestion. He's like, yeah, you can't go from fucking see, you know, multi-kingdom destroying death rate of punching someone to come down here and punch him to death. I am a scientist. Do you know how good I am in my field? I would like to just say right now, how good you think I am in my field. I would like you to say right now, how good you think. I am in my field of space grill assigned. Hey, all right.

Well, the plot hasn't changed or advanced in any meaningful way, but they've at least restated it. And I think that's about as much as we can expect. So we're going to take another quick break, but we're back in a flash with even more robot monster. And no matter what I say, don't open the door, got it. Hey, guys, why are you locking Eli in our hobgoblin vault? It's my New Year's resolution.

To eat fewer people using their dreams? No, I am still very much doing that. No, I want to read more. And I figure if Heath locks me in the hobgoblin vault an hour or two a night, I'll be all set. Well, you know, Eli, if you want to get caught up on your reading, why not try a pair of Raycon wireless earbuds? How are wireless earbuds going to help me catch up on my reading now? Oh, with audio books, podcasts and more.

Raycon's everyday earbuds look, feel and sound better than ever. Without the nice gel tips for the perfect dinny or fit, these earbuds are so comfortable and they will not budge. Trust me. Plus, Raycon gives you eight hours of playtime in a 32 hour battery life so you can fit more reading into your life on the go. It's true. Raycon sent us a pair to try

and I love their tap functions. Let me stop and start when I'm listening to while keeping my phone in my pocket. Plus, they come with awareness mode so I can listen while keeping aware of what's going on around me. All right, guys, I'm sold. Where do I get some Raycons?

Go to buyraycon.com slash cam today to get 15% off your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash cam. All right, he looks like the vault is all yours. Wait, so I'm sorry. What is he using the vault for? Oh, he just, he just likes the alone time. Yeah, that, that tracks. I like to practice my kicks.

Ronnie. I know, Ronnie. Yeah. Listen to Reason, Roman. Surely there is a way we can negotiate. I will only negotiate with the one Heath and right. I find him... Desirous. Nice, Keith. I find him... ...desirous. Nice, Keith. Go do the...

Hmm? What do you say? What happened? He says he'll meet with you to like maybe spare us. I assure you, my sex tentacles are plenty sharp. Ahh... Seriously? He wiped out the entire planet. I know, I know. I know. I just... I mean, do you think he wants to? Dude, what is it that he wants?

He's gonna kill us if you don't go. Okay, well, statistically, I'm like 20% of remaining humans, so... That's a pretty big sacrifice. Are you serious right now? What? You go, Mr. Safety Man, and then you do it. I do not desire the bearded one. He smells like a JCC locker room. I know serious right now. What, you go, Mr. Safety Man, and you do it. I do not desire the bearded one. He smells like a JCC locker room.

Yeah, yeah, got me there, he does. Nice. I knew this was a blessing, not a curse. Stupid old spice. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action of the bunker with Professor Waken up from the bed that he shares with mom, Johnny and Carla, nice little boy and little girl again, this is the

boy's dream, right? That's Jesus. This is less sexually problematic than like the rest of the movie though to be clear. Okay. Yeah. This is the beginning of the sexual problems. And speaking of it being the little boy's dream, he now pulls out a gun. And when someone explains, well, you know, the atomic guns don't work on Roman.

He explains, no, no, no, it's so that he can kill himself before Roman can kill him. Sorry, just real quick. I want to be clear you made an atomic gun for us to kill ourselves because we would need that as opposed to anything else. We want to kill the shit out of ourselves. I mean, obviously. Yeah. And not only that, by the way, he sleeps with his atomic gun under the pillow. Yup. Right. I think we're on a bed that he shares with two young children. Listen, I keep the uranium locked in a safe. It's fine. I want to be able to murder my family at a moment's notice all gun owners from now until the Infinite I like killing atomic deer. It's part of my

What if I was starving and there was a was a small island nation that had been brought up in isolation It's the only way to eat Okay, so and then Roy shows up, right? He's like, I'm back from the big breakup and I also now know where the robot monster is, although you guys also know that now, so I guess I've served no real purpose. Oh, I really wanted a messy fight to break out right away,

just as soon as he walks back in. I am great in my field, just so you know now that you're back. You almost get your wish. Oh, you ruined my streak of everyone knowing how great I am in my field. That's too bad. But yeah, they immediately start to fight. Yeah, but before they fight, we should clarify the quote unquote, like McCuffin of this movie.

It turns out the reason that they cannot be seen by the alien monkey is because they are all injected with the super antibiotic that German science professor invented. To be clear, the Nazi scientist invented bubble gum medicine that's a vaccine against the death ray from the space gorilla that turns out to be a vaccine against Carthoid death rays. Yeah. Yeah. In addition to curing all diseases, even viral ones, this antibiotic also makes you immune

to his laser ray. I love this movie. I was so happy at this moment. I was like, this is the plot now. This is my life. This is fantastic. And let's keep in mind that this guy was on Archaeology. Yep. Yeah. So yeah, so just what we're saying is next time you're about to get mad at your dad for not taking the vaccine, just keep in mind that like this is what sci-fi was when he was a kid. Okay.

I'm a really long way. The Nazi archaeologist is an antibiotic virologist on the side. Yeah. Exactly. That's his hobby. That's the plot. But not only are the people so far in the movie immune to the death ray, but it turns out that dad also injected two astronauts with the super serum.

And they are also invisible. And there's a whole army garrison on the space platform orbiting Earth that are unaffected by this invasion, right? So there's hope after all they have a space plane, Roy says they're going to take it in two days and they're going to inject all of the garrison with the super serum. And then there'll be an army that can fight Roman, right. But in order to do that, they need to communicate to the garrison that the two astronauts are coming. And if they want to do that, they have to fix their FaceTime machine, sexual circuitry, they're going to have to sexually solder the shit out of the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Good thing, Alice is amazing in her field, fucking Roy. Yeah. That's her thing. That's her field. And this is where they start fighting. He's like, oh, you're so bossy and she's like, you're so bossy and he says, I would I would like to say this quote now from the movie real quote, you're so bossy. You should be milked.

Yep. Before you come home at night. Yes. You should be milked. He's even got a time here and out for this. So like, I thought about this for a while. Yep. This was most of my day.

So did I. Our cows bossy is my first question. Is there a known stereotype that cows or milk producing animals that get milked our bossy. I believe bossy is a common cow's name is what they're going for, but it also could. That's the could be a serious. There was a lot of racism in the 50s. I don't know about maybe they have cow racism. They had cow racism. There's my cows.

That's bossy right there. That's up to the cow. There you go. This house. Weird. Don't even get me started on what I call the stairs. Oh Jesus. So okay, so we cut over to them.

They're working on electronics, right? They would get to heat the best worst and the opening line and I challenge you listener to watch this scene and think of anything else. The opening line of this scene is, don't you have to loop it? Yes. And what we're watching is a penis shaped object getting smushed into the area that they're working on. Right.

That's what's happening. Oh, fuck it. Roy says to her at this point, he goes, you know, you're too beautiful to be this smart or too smart to be this beautiful And she's like, oh, that's a compliment and I take it as such 1950 Weird compliments say it's like a deconstructed complement club layer thing And so they and they have to establish that she's electronic is hard as she can. So they keep like cutting away from this to her going like, oh, I can't even feel my hands from all the soldering.

And then they'll go back to some more sexual soldering. Wait, I'm sorry. You soldered so hard your hands or numb. We don't know what any of this shit is, man. Come on. I've got the bends from all the solder. So she might as well be like, I've got the black lung pop. But like everything else in this stupid fucking movie, it turns out not to matter.

Right, we spent all this time on her sexually soldering with Roy or whatever. And then they're like, oh, by the way, that rocket took off like an hour and a half ago. So it's way too late. it took off like an hour and a half ago. So it's way too late. Oh, fuck. So, and so just then, Roman calls him to tell him that he knows all about the two space pilots. Okay. Hello.

Me again. These Skype calls are my fucking favorite. So he calls him like he can just like immediately patch into their Skype and be talking. Sure. So presumably, Roman called a bunch when they weren't standing right there. And this like alien overlord had to be like, all right.

What am I play Whartle? I'll do the Whartle. He's like, he's like, I'd like to show you what I saw. And then he shows video of the rocket taken off. I'm like, where did you would have a camera there? what I saw and then he shows video of the rocket taking off. I'm like, where did you would have a camera there? And then we get some just fucking stellar 1953 special effects. Like this is whatever the next step up from a little kid holding a space plane going, where's what I think happened? I think someone bought a sparkler without ever having lit a sparkler

and was just like, oh, there's a little dangerous. They give these to kids. That's crazy. Cause it's just someone waving a sparkler kind of with a plastic plane in the front of it. But very, the shot never lasts more than a second and a half. Oh, the triford explosion and they miss. I love the explosion. It's just sort of falling off the fucking I wrote my notes. I'm like, did they not have explosions back then they had world war two. I feel like they had explosions back. I know it's stock footage, but I feel like somebody hurt themselves making it. Yeah, somehow still.

Like, I don't know what the bargain basement version of stock footage was in 1953, but they found out you do. We found this war photographer's camera who died and we're going to use his footage. Round versus the board of ed is next year. And well, and also like so so that we don't get all the way through this without giving you a clear idea of the kind of terrible old-timey sci-fi writing that we can't, the alien says to him at the end of this call. He's like, by your clock time, you have one hour until I see you out. Sorry, there's so much there. Clock time versus what? Also, what is Roman gonna do for an hour?

Why didn't he just, he didn't finish the world all yet, he still working on that. I'm going to watch two episodes of everybody loves Raymond and then make some Roman noodles. With the commercials. Yeah, exactly. So, all right, so the call ends and the little girl Clara, who were all like, oh, yeah, fuck, I forgot about her.

She goes, hey, mom, why doesn't he like the humans? And they're like, I guess we should really explore that before that. No, that won't matter. No, we have a Nazi scientist here. Let's not get into it. Yeah. I'm sorry. Did someone say kill ourselves?

Kill ourselves? Anybody, uh, anybody with an atomic gun nearby? What would you look at this? And again, they, they explore the idea of negotiating. Yeah. Like, like, we'll stop if you stop genocide here it's down to eight people.

Don't finish it off. I don't know if you've noticed. We haven't killed any of you yet. So we'll continue not. We are your colleague. Even. You want some bubble gum medicine? Okay, so then we cut back to Roy Man's explaining electronics to Alice some more, right? We get a little bit more sexual soldering. Yeah. Meanwhile, and apparently this is so that the professor can call Roman and do the negotiations, right? And do it. It's the best. He's like, Hey, Roman, I believe we're at an impasse now. Roman's like, no, I'm clearly winning. That doesn't make any sense.

Well, you haven't even scored yet. And the professor, I guess his plan is to be like, what are you scared of an old lady? Who's your fucking whoosh? What's your fucking whoosh is? So we introduce you to my family, to your murder victims. Janis Idol alien who has killed a trillion people.

Yeah. Let me start low, start with the less impressive one. That's Martha. She kind of sucks. I completely understand. If you want to keep with the killing plan until you meet the others, no, do the next one.

What's the next one? Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, but so, but here's the thing too. When he introduces Martha, the mom, he says, this is Martha, my companion for the last 23 years. But we saw when they met earlier in the movie He says, this is Martha, my companion for the last 23 years. But we saw when they met earlier in the movie and the kid is still the same age.

So again, like the movie is desperately fucking with us at this point. Yeah. So he says Martha. And then we watch Roman look at Martha. And then Nazi scientists is like, nothing? Yeah, okay, that's fair. This is Alice, my attractive stepdaughter.

What about this? This is one of your vispers. She was pretty hot. Didn't want to play this card. What kind of wanted to see what I could get with the, okay, Morgan, this is Johnny my son. He sucks. Look at the size of his top.

And the Johnny antagonizes the alien. He sticks his tongue out at the alien. Yeah, right. And Roman's like, yeah, he does suck. Back to Alice, please. What's, what's, what's her deal? What is Alice? Yes.

Is she like, good in her field or? Yeah, I want to be clear. I want to be clear. He is not joking. Roman, the conquering genocidal alien goes, put Alice back on the, put Alice back. Yeah.

Tell her I have a podcast or something. No, he basically says, ass picks, please. Yeah, right. Right, he's like, no, I don't want to, well, you know what, I do want to talk to Alice alone. I have a little, a little time. Roman is like, it's like when you see a hot person on Instagram and you're like, oh, I'm gonna check the bio

for the only fans, but then they're just a hot person and you're like, that's fine. They're the bio for the only fans, but then they're just a hot person and you're like, that's fine. They're allowed to just be hot. You are. You assumed that everyone can do whatever they want or not. Right. But then a Nazi scientist jumps into the only fans is like, no, you'll meet with me now because that's the dead's like, no, you're not meeting with Alice in person to talk about

your podcast or whatever. You can meet with me. I'm the main human scientist. And again, Roman is like, nope, not you. No, please, no, just Alice be go. Alice, I just said, Alice only. I really wanted Nazi scientists to try and like, shush it up. Like, oh, what if I told you I could fit my fist in my mouth, Roman?

Okay. A man. Show me for a second. Show me just the beginning of that. A man can do for a monkey. Never dream of. Never dream of. Well, and so, and then finally they agree that he can meet with Alice and he's like,

you know, where do you want to meet? And keep in mind that he doesn't know, at least as far as the movie has, has, has let us believe at this point, where on earth these people are, right? But he's like, okay, so you know the spot with a two dry rivers meet. And they're like, oh, that's fun. On. Yeah, of course, the. Oh, the river bed.

So yeah, that's where they're going to meet apparently. So they hang up the whole family immediately, she's trying to talk Alice out of going. You are not going on a date with the genocidal space gorilla. So like that's the art of the ring. And she's like, I am though to save humanity. So I'm doing that. And the professor is like, Roy mansplain this to her. It's I'm getting nowhere, you know. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I No, but literally that. Jesus, the 50s holy fuck. To be clear, the message of this movie at this point is, look, if humanity has to die, humanity has to die, don't let your daughter get fucked by a monkey. Yeah. Hahaha.

Roy actually does the blocking in the hallway thing, like the bully at high school for a second. Yeah. But now imagine the bully is like, okay, like the bully in high school for a second. Yeah. But now imagine the bully is like, okay, I'm going to grab you and tie you up in a weird dominant sexual scenario right after that. Well, and then later fuck you. Yeah. I've actually imagined that quite a bit.

Okay. I gave you a confusing example, buddy. Just don't imagine anything I just said. Skip it. That's better. Too late. So, okay. But so during all this tying up commotion though, Johnny sneaks away to the spot where the two drive river beds meet.

Okay. So, in my head, I was like, I was like, Johnny's gonna go fuck the space grill instead of at the house. Exactly. Thank you, Heath. We all had the exact same thought of Johnny showing up and being like, what's up, motherfucker? Yeah. I can do anything else can do it more. I'll make your nightmares come true. Forget your dreams.

And then we get my absolute favorite aspect of this entire movie, which is how many times they made this poor man in this chunky ass gorilla suit walk uphill in the fucking desert. There's desert. He's going to try Riverbets. There's no reason for it to ever be uphill, but every time we see him, he's fucking hiking up a slope. He's so mad.

Guys, how much footage do you need? Little bit more, man. It's so hot in here. The whole movie is revenge against this actor for something, right? That's the whole purpose of making that. Can we just have her meet at my place instead? Why? All right. So hot. Why is there no water at crafting? This lemon juice? So meanwhile, back at the bunker,

the professor realizes that Johnny is missing. And he's like, Roy, untie Alice, you guys have to go look for Johnny quick before he fucks the space monkey. Right, right. Let's be clear. The monkey never said he was gonna fuck Alice. So it is definitely a reach to me like, great, now he was gonna fuck Alice. So it is definitely a reach to me like great.

Now he's gonna fuck Johnny. Like it was already a weird sexist reach to me. He's like, no, trust me. Once a space monkey gets his mind to sex, there's no shit. Johnny is as good as plowed. This is an easy bait to switch. Yeah.

So and then he says, so he sends them off and he's like, hey, if Johnny comes back, I'll set off a flair with their, they're still supposed to be keeping their fucking location a secret, but what a okay fine. So they, they go off, we watch more uphill walking. And it's different. It's not even the same footage.

They keep using obviously different So but Johnny just follows the lightning effect the negative film effect to find the meeting place and eventually the two of them come Into contact right yeah, and he's like, hey man Why are you trying to wipe out humanity? And he's like your species was getting too advanced and we wanted to preemptively wipe you out. And I'm like, oh, today we call that the Bush Doctrine. It's the terminology we use for that. You had weapons, atomic guns of masterships. Yeah. So he's like, all right, well, I'm going to kill you with my flashy lights.

And he doesn't. And Johnny insults him. And this is my new insult. As Eli is telling you, you're so bossy, you need to get milked on your way home from work or whatever. I'm going to tell people, well, you look like a pooped out pinwheel. You look like a pooped out pinwheel. Yes.

Poop out pinwheel. Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. So like a pinwheel that is covered it, like that's like shit has hit the fan, like a spinning pinwheel and it's all covered up. Or it doesn't work anymore. I think yeah, that's what he meant to us that it doesn't work anymore.

What I imagined was someone shitting a pinwheel. Oh, I had somebody shitting into a moving pinwheel. Okay, we all have our own interpretation. Oh, all right. There you go. Shitting into a moving pinwheel is an image. Vivit. So then there's this great moment. So Johnny is supposed to accidentally let it slip that they have the super serum.

Right. And then that's why they can't kill them with their, with his calcinator ray. But the way they have to like, they have to really dig into the idea that this guy came up with an experimental serum and then tested it on his family. Yeah, right? Just like Fauci. Exactly. Johnny even implies that like he had them drink or inject themselves with really serious diseases to make sure it works. So it's not just like, oh, I came up with this thing and it turns out to have worked. He was like, no, no, he gave us a bunch of aids to drink and it's been great. He says, and I quote, we don't even get sick when we swallow things with really bad bugs.

Okay. This, this that is Dr. Mengele, like literally like we were saying like, oh, no, she's like, no, that he did literally not see experimentation shit. And they tell us that. Right. And Romana's like, aha, now I have enough information to calculate. This is again, a quote, to calculate the spectrum dust in the calcinator ray. So now we can get them apparently is what that means. Don't worry. He instantly forgets about that. Yeah. So okay. So then we cut over to Roy and Alistair walking around looking for Johnny.

Roy takes a shirt off at this point because why not? Oh, man, the 19, like I was in pretty good shape for the 50s. Can we just say I was in pretty good shape for the, I could have been an action hero, 1953. Well, apparently furry was what they were going for back then too. Yeah. Furry? You go to the gym, you use that like strappy thing that stands down.

Yeah, just shit. Exactly. Let me just say I could have walked in and taken that fucking moment part. Yeah. Me too. No audition. So, anyway, so he takes off his shirt. He looks at Allison.

He's like, are you gonna? No, okay, never mind never mind and then they see Roman coming. So he picks her up and runs away I feel like no matter how slow she is the two of you running as fast They both they do it for a little bit. They both realize like all right. Well that was dumb and he's like all right for a little bit, they both realized like, all right, well, that was dumb. He's like, all right. I carried you across the thresholds or whatever. We could just both run now. You can, you have run legs, leg running, lady leg running. Can you do that? I mean, to be fair, Romans over their fucking just leaning against trees. He's vomiting. He's vomiting. He's just chunking his way along.

Yeah. Can I get a catering? Please? I just want a catering. And also he is shockingly easy to hide from. Yeah. They just, you know, hide under a bush. And it's like, well, he can't see us. We're safe. So we cut back to the compound. Johnny is now returning home safely. And we have this like eight minute shot of him like trying to climb the wall to get into the camp. It's really long. It's really. And then he gets, he gets into the compound thing and everybody's like, so like how did the date with the space grill go? And his exact first words are, I gave it all away and I was like, Oh, pop, I gave him. Oh, they he meant the information about this.

Yes, yeah, I gave him the old 360 got got 3000 just like you taught me. Like I was starting a fire in Boy Scouts. Let me tell you. Just stop. So, but nobody tells the professor that he accidentally blabbed about their secret weakness and the professor's super duper forgiving. He's like, oh, that's okay. What's done is done. I'd be like, man, I throw that kid over the wall and call Roman on the video. But okay. No, it's fine. It's not like you tried to go meet with a monkey who you weren't

married to like that horror of a dog. Yeah. Right. So speaking of which, we cut back to Roy and they're still hiding from Romand and he's like, Hey, do you want to kiss while we're doing this? And she's like, no. And he's like, how about now? And she's like, no. And she's like, no. And he's like, how about now?

And she's like, yes. Well, yeah, he, uh, the 50s, uh, the 50s. It's like nine or 10, like, Oh, were you leaning in? No. Oh, you're saying very literally no. I wasn't leaning in. Okay. Now though, are you? And then finally, he's like, oh, were you leaning in? No, oh, you're saying very literally, no, I wasn't leaning in. Okay, good. Now though, are you, and then finally, he's like, huh, I kissed your upper nose when you weren't looking.

Now you have to do mouth. Now you have to fuck me. Now you have to fuck me. You know what they say? She's your shoot piece of gum now. Oh, Jesus fucking grace. And we cut from them fucking to a Roman blubber in a sweat pack. I think.

Oh, how's it going guys? Look, I'm here to kill you and everything, but can I just get, can we just call like a Tio? I'm in the line on the ground. You won't run and I won't run. We just, and I'm going to pay the distance. A solid eight minutes.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what, somebody at least finally fucked somebody so I guess we can take a break, but first let me give it a act three of the hard sell. Will Rowman ever actually do anything? Will Roy eventually use whatever washing machine is keeping Alice's clothes spotless? Will the movie ever remember the stakes that sets up from one scene to the next? Fight out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the inadequate conclusion

of robot monster. Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the inadequate conclusion of robot monster. Hey podcast listener, you know, the average American thinks they have about $80 a month in subscriptions. When actually it's closer to $200. Yeah, like our friend Noah here, he's got a lot of subscriptions that he forgot about. What? I know I don't. Really Noah, you mean to be subscribed to old guy coughs quarterly? Thank you.

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Roman. Yes Supreme Master. You have failed to execute five of the humans. They are immune to your cartoid ray. Indeed Supreme Master. You must find and kill them by other means. What does that mean? I don't know man, you're a super strong robot monster just you know kill them with my hands you oh what are you squeamish now you just killed the entire population of the planet with that with the car

phage laser I didn't beat him to death with a wiffle ball bat there's a pretty big difference elimination is elimination it is your supreme purpose. No, elimination is not elimination. I'm gonna get back to the space station. And everybody's gonna be like, oh, there goes XJ1. I heard he had a choke out last five humus to death. Was bare hands like it was fucking Game of Thrones. Fine, fine. You may use the atomic laser, but be quick about it. Yes, supreme leader. Did you watch Game of Thrones? I quit about halfway through the third season.

You should pick it back up. It gets good again. Right, but doesn't the ending suck? Oh, totally. Why do you think we're killing the humans? Oh, so that's why. Still worth a watch, though. I'm up, up, up, put it on my iPad.

Right, it's like a plane show. And we're back for Stillmore of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Roy and Alice returning to the Count Pound as Eli Howsett and the Notes, all sticky-dicked. Look, I didn't see a washcloth with him, so I assume one of them was sticky dick. They're sticky. I really wanted them to walk in and for the German guy to be like,

wow, you guys smell like you just fucked. You guys just fucked. And then I, when I wrote that joke in my notes, Alice immediately goes, have you been playing house? And I was like, damn, yeah, right out the moon. Notice the fucking smell. Yeah. There's come in your hair. It smells like sex and candy. Right. Yeah. The professors like, wow, you guys sure have been gone long enough to, um, and fuck the shit out of each other.

And, uh, and Roy's like, hey, apropos of that, we would like to get married. And figured since you're the only other man on earth, you would do the ceremony. And you're like, well, you know, like you're the only people your age on earth. It was bound to happen. So sure, somebody's got a transfer ownership. Yeah, totally got it. Yeah. So meanwhile, romance is having another zoom meeting with fucking robots, right? He tells robots about the serum. We watch him walk some more and then get back to his cave, too. And he's real angry about it. I wanted him to be out of breath the entire conversation.

And then he just wheels an office chair out of the cave and sits in it. There we go. It's much better. But this is where he ultimately agrees that he will just have to beat the crap out of him to death. Yeah. I wanted his boss to be like, yeah, it's too late to give them Facebook. That would be for me to get rid of their antibiotic.

This was such a weird conversation. He's like, Hey boss, okay, just try to stay with me here, confusing turn of events. I thought I was going to be dating a lady. It was a kid and that doesn't matter. I found out how to kill them all. So I did do my job. Well, but he didn't though right? Cause he says, ah, the serum and everything. I can just recalibrate and I was like, no, well, you're going to actually still have to beat the crap out of them to death because we wouldn't have a movie if you could just do the flashy thing. He's like, right, right. Beat the crap

out of them to death. All right. All right. So killing the last humans with my bare hands is the game plan. Still. Yeah. Well, and then in this weird and desperate and stupid attempt to inject some kind of a ticking clock into this, the boss says, but hurry, the planet earth has half revolved. You have, but a short time to achieve our goal. Why possibly biking me? The butterflies are rising up. They've been spinning and panning together with the grasshoppers in the mitochondria. They're going to strike back.

Well, Jeff Goldblum mitochondria being like, wait a second, cold, a cold. So, okay, so we come back to the wedding, which Roy has opted to remain shirtless for. And I want to, I want to remind everybody that like, Romand killed all the people, not all the clothes. Yeah. There are like two and a half billion people's worth of wardrobes out there for the taking.

He's still got that ripped up shirt and he's going to do his, his fucking wedding topless. Hopped the shirt at the wedding. That's like Andrew Tate stuff right there. That's terrifying. I mean, if he changed, everyone would smell his dick. So you know, he's just, he's contained. All right. Also pants back then were so fucking high. Look at, like how did they not realize that's not where the top of pants went?

Yeah. Get it. Have we evolved like as human species since the 50s, like our waste has moved and like our face shape is different now. Yeah. It seems like clearly we have a lot. Yeah. I mean, my waste has definitely moved and it hasn't taken since the 50s to do it. He's

all right. So and then by the way, the professor, he's gonna do their wedding, but he gets like super duper religious for the sake of the ceremony. Christian movie. Yes. I'm super duper Christian

in case it ever matters for any future podcast. I'm also a Nazi mad scientist, but you're listening still. Yeah, okay, good. good, good at that tracks. Yeah. He has this crazy moment where he's like, I understand that it's part of your plan that a monkey in a diver's helmet killed everyone,

but us. But us. But maybe it's part of your plan that Alice and Roy live in the shell of humanity's existence. Yeah. Mysterious son of a bitch. And then so they, they, they skipped the I do's at all the vows. I guess that didn't matter when women didn't have autonomy.

And then Johnny is like, so where are you guys going on your honeymoon? And Alice is like fucking pound town is where we're going. I mean, it's like, Johnny's like, you need a stripper. The other corner of this bunker. Yeah. Right. It's going to get loud. And if you smell sticky dick later, that's when it's from just saying, there will be

no, give me the atomic gun. But they actually like leave. They go on a honeymoon. They leave the safe compound. You know with I guarantee it's been more than an hour since he said they had an hour. So with romance on the loose they're like yeah, but we can still go somewhere else to fuck right. They just walk out to a Howard Johnson's. So me well okay, so we cut back to romance just chunking his way out of the cave.

I really wanted him to have like a really impractical weapon with him. Now that he has to kill them in like a wiffle bat or an axe. And just like, oh, this is I really was hoping to rape work. Just a handful like pots and pans that he drops. Come on. I have no idea what your fucking weapons look like. I found three kitchen knives. These look pretty blunt and an extension court.

So heavy. That's really hot. I was so hot. Weren't there golf carts? Where are your golf carts in the nation? Don't space grueless have alopecia sometimes and just, you know, like shorts and a t-shirt, I feel like we could relax the set. We can do whatever we want.

So we come back to Roy and Alist set. We can do whatever we want. So we come back to Roy and analyst, they're heading off to fuck, but Carla has followed behind him with flowers. She's like, I wanted to bring you flowers and I'm like, okay, we'll go, go home, try not to get killed by any, you know, giant space grills on the way. I'm like, I feel like you walk her back. Look, I don't know how long this erection's get a last kiddo. So we need to get out of here. Another hour and a half and I'm going to call my doctor and there are no rock and there's no to there all dead.

No, a guy named Roman, but. So, oh, well done, sir. All right, so, but, you know, so she wanders off an oh shit, chowbaka Caesar, right? So he grabs her and runs off. And this happens off camera, but to be clear, strangles her to death. Yes, he will later be like, yep, I strangled that little girl to death is the words that are written in the scripts of this night.

53 film. And we'll find her body, right? Like we'll watch people find her body later. Yeah. So he he abducts her and kills her. And again, keep in mind, this is her brother's dream. Yes. Her brother's subconscious is like, and then a monkey would probably squeeze the life out. If Johnny doesn't spend the next 11 years in therapy after telling people about this dream. Yeah. They've missed an opportunity.

So Johnny Wayne Casey. So it tells us about his dream. So okay, so we cut back to to romance and escape filing his fucking intergalactic TPS reports or whatever. Okay, so to be clear, he killed the little girl and then he was like, I'm pretty tired. I'm going to head back and deal with him tomorrow. No, because you know when you have like a shitty boss who gives you like an unfair workload, so you do a little of it and you call him to be like, yeah, no, I did not get into cutting

all the lemons, but I kind of like, say that happened. He actually does that phone call. He called me, Skype's up the boss and he's like, hey, just do it a quick check in because you know, that's good to do, you know, productivity wise. I killed a little girl. I feel like I'm going to call it for today. Just get that. Get that one boss like, no, do not call it for today.

You have to kill seven more people. Yeah. No, he even suggests that maybe we like lower the total number. He's like, what if we kept one as a pet, one can't reproduce, right? But Roboss is having none of it. All the humans are, right? So elsewhere, Roy and Alice are getting ready to fuck to just bizarrely militant music. Honey, let me put on something that I think you'll really enjoy. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Because this is a very hefty space gorilla,

but they don't, like, they stop running and decide to fight back. They're like, oh, you know, I found a stick and she's like, I found a stone and they decide to try to break his bones, I guess. Okay, they were just having sex, though. So Roy is fighting a space gorilla with a very visible erection. That's what we're asking. Right. Yeah they like they didn't quite get. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's peak awkward. Really wanted a sticky dick to turn out to be Romans weakness, right? He's just like, no. But also they picked this poor fucking actor. Now wrestle with two people in the desert. And it's giant hair. It's amazing. It's amazing. At one point, Roy, because again, I got to remember, he's just this normal human in a grimace costume.

So at one point, Roy sort of shakes the costume around him and the actress and be like, stop, stop, stop. It's fun around. It's fun around. It's fun around. Buh. Time out. My legs are out of the leg holes now, man.

Push you up a cliff. Honestly, at this moment, I was like, if this turns into a threesome, I got to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised. That would track with this movie. Yeah. They're rolling and then laughing and on top of both of them. Roy kisses him right on the forehead and. Well, endless love starts to play. All right. I have to blow you now. So okay, but but instead they fight. He grabs Roy by the throat, drops him off of a cliff. We don't see him go off a cliff. We just hear him go,

Oh, I'm totally going off a cliff. But yeah, exactly. And then the alien grabs Alice and she does the classic, you know, I'm being held by a monster leg kick thing, which is like way more aerobic exercise than I realized it was before I saw this woman do it, right? More whimsical too. There's a real leg. He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he Carlos dead body in the meadow now. Mom starts crying and the professor's like immediately like,

Oh, give me a fucking break. This is the most underdeveloped character in the movie. Come on, come on, hush. He'll hear you. So he grabs the body. They're, they're, they're, they're not only heading home with it. And we cut back to romance, like carrying, they made him carry Alice for so long. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Chris, I'm so sorry. Like, I don't want to be a whiner or anything, but these couple of scenes where you've had me like walking up this same hill, like two times in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been really hard on me. So like, what am I doing in this next scene? You're gonna carry a struggling woman for a while.

God damn it. Oh my god, I'm a fucking hill. It's because I fucked your wife isn't it? Well, I clearly he's like the condition was like, okay, but I'm gonna have my hand like I way more on her boobs than there's any reason for it to be the entire fucking time. And he's like, I'm gonna I'm gonna get those leggies. I'm gonna get a real cop cop. I'm gonna cop a real feel here. It's 1950, I guess you are. Yeah. So, and then Alice, like, starts trying to seduce the robot space gorilla. Or make small talk.

She's going like, wow, how are you so strong? And he's like, oh, well, you know, I actually have a personal strengthifier that makes you super strong. I keep it back in my cave. And she's like, oh, I bet this will be, be like your weakness and it'll be really important to the plot. And this is how we'll defeat you. He's like, nope, we are going to forget about it after this scene. If you can imagine that shit, no, it's a bubble machine.

So then we cut back to the professor, mom and Johnny, they're burying Carla, you know, and Johnny's sure wishes he'd played house with her back and act one play with your sister before she gets strangled by a space monkey lessons from the past that we all Hey attention to today and I get that the professor's supposed to be like you know stiff upper lip or whatever But it comes off as really cold with like they finished Barry on the girl and he's like all right Well, let's stop thinking about her. We just got to move on like they finished Barry and the girl and he's like, all right, well, let's stop thinking about her. We just got to move on. Okay.

I'm going to go ahead and say that's a wrap on the little girl, right? Let's roll. All right. And then Roy comes stumbling home. Apparently, following up that cliff didn't kill him, right? He, he, well, he killed him, but he had one line left in him, I guess. So he had to run home and tell him that the alien has Alice. Yeah.

And apparently that gives Johnny an idea. It's, it's grab Alice. By the way, that's, he's like, I've got a plan. He's like, that's not much of a plan at all. I really feel like Johnny's just trying to go for a second pass. He's like, okay, well, I know that Alice is out of the picture. Maybe I can, I don't think a couple of offers that were previously turned down.

That's all I'm saying. So, well, yeah. So the plan ultimately is, you know, we could use me as bait, right? And like, maybe he'll fuck me. Maybe you won't, you know, who knows? But while he's busy with me, you guys could go get Alice. What if we also use Carla as he, did we use she fully? He's very, okay.

I've got a puppet based scenario. I want to pitch you guys, but I need this to be a judgment free zone. So I'm putting dollar in the judgment jar for anyone. Mom, you're already crying. Dollar in the judgment jar. So you're wasting a body. So we head back to the cave where Roman is is basically presenting Alice

with a will you go with me check this box letter? So this is my cave, bubble machine, the classics. Do you like? Yes. Yeah, he's very clearly into Alice. He's like trying to like, he's grabbing her hands and trying to put him on his gorillittits.

Yeah. So I can't take off this helmet. It goes over my entire face. What should happen then, I guess you would do. You remind me. There's also this great moment because this is supposed to be the cheesecake shot where he pulls her shirt off, but she's just wearing like another shirt underneath because it's the 1950s. He's got a suit of armor underneath. Yeah, but both characters stop to be like, oh, she'll never work again. And there's also so and and bright then he gets a phone call on his fucking face time thing.

And he's like, oh, I'll have to tie you up. And he starts to put this rope around her and he realizes that he can't tie a knot. I can't do it with this big ass gorilla costume. I mean, I'm in a lucky costume. I cannot, I'm really cannot do this. So he just knocks her unconscious with a big bow. And you know what? Tie you up. Didn't quite work out. It is the 50s karate chop. Very sorry about that. And what's amazing is in a second we're gonna come back to where she's gonna be tied up. Anyway, so first he's got to take his phone call. So he goes to answer the phone and it's the professor and it's mom and it's Johnny and they're offering to turn themselves in, right? And he's like, can you,

you call me back and like, I'm gonna say 10 minutes at most. Can you give us, you know what I'll do it in five? I can do it in five. And they're like, no, we can't wait. Meet us at the ravine and he's like, right, earth's ravine. I'll meet you at the ravine on earth. Trying to get to a ravine in my own if you know what I'm

I'll come kill you guys and then I'll have sex with your daughter It's more like an intersection of dry rivers now. Okay So yeah, so he looks back to Alice and he's like all right So she's apparently woke up and and tied herself up during the phone call I guess and he's like all right, so I'm gonna fuck you way quicker and then I'm gonna go kill your parents and damn the people Another phone call. Yeah fucking roboss is cock blocking him and he's like fuck Ah, I have to take this At this point Roman is no longer in a sci-fi harm movie He is now in like a fucking family sitcom right?

And Rayman's brother might as well walk in. I hope you don't mind. I made myself a son which right? But it's the row boss and he's like, hey man, why haven't you killed the girl yet? He's like, so on the fucking phone with you. You cut him ass. This is my commanding. This is my, if there is an HR for our monkey planet, we should have a meeting there afterwards

too much. And he's like, I don't think you understand how deliciously fuckable Alice is. Maybe if I put her on the line, he's like, no, no, go and kill her and then kill the other humans. God damn it. This movie is almost over. So he hangs up and there's this great moment where romance is like, I must do it, but I cannot, but I must, but I cannot. For like three minutes for so much show that I was like this actor forgot his lines

and his vamping, right? I'm about I must. Yeah, but I can't. Well, this this writer really flexes here. He his line is he's like at what point on the graph do must and cannot meet. So I'm getting fancy. How do you calculate that?

I wrote my notes, he's version of a love poem. Okay, I mean, it's pretty easy. Just f of x equals, she of x. If they like, you can be right. I don't know if you're a very little love poem or how to calculate on a grant. That's fun. It's equal to each other. On the intersection points. That is romantic. It's a weird comment you made. So, okay. So then we cut back to the family arriving at the rendezvous. They show up. They're like, okay, Johnny, you're the bait. Here's a gun. Right? Here's the atomic gun from before apparently. Yeah, kill yourself right when the robot comes over. See if you get, you know

when you show someone that buddwired tape for the first time, it really throws them off for like a minute and a half. That's where it's taking you to do kiddo. All right, because he already said no to the old gawk gawk 3000. And there's only one other way to shock a human to their core. You know what I'm saying? I had that idea about Carla and you got shot at right down. This is both. No, no, no.

Shoot yourself in the head, Johnny. It's the old. I'm your dad. You're like mine was less problematic. So the boss calls him again, right? The boss calls the romance again and says, hey, man, I just said kill Alice. He's like, I'm gonna kill Alice. Well, let me go kill the kid first, right?

Cause Johnny shows up at the cave door, basically going, you know, trying to coax him out. It shows up like May, West, just being like, why don't you come up some time and Seems like Alice is giving you a really hard time. Maybe you could use some practice Hey get the first one out on your good buddy Johnny and then you'll last longer for Alice, huh? I go grab Carla. How does that help? Ah, I got vetoed. It's fine. I could do a car to I can do a car wheel I got a veto. It's fine. I can do a cart. I can do a car wheel. So yeah, so Romantos is boss. He's like, I can't kill the girl, but I can kill the fuck out of Johnny. No worries. So he goes to kill. He stops a long ways. He stops and he apologizes in advance to Alice for killing her brother. So you know, he cares, right? Don't be mad at me for killing your brother. Okay. I don't want this to be about us. I want you and me to be separate from how I get along with your family.

So yeah, so he plots away from the cave. Mom and dad sneak in right behind him to free Alice, right? See, you got to pick a sex plan and stay focused. That's just like basic stuff. Right? If you learn anything from God awful movie, like Jesus in 2023. Let's front load it right here at the top. So okay, so romance strangles Johnny to death.

And then fucking robots reaches down from the heavens and kills romance with the lightning powers for all his disobedience, I guess. Yeah, he says, you want to feel like a human now you will be a human, but then he just kills him. Right. Like, and by that, I mean, dead like the humans, huh? Get it? Yeah. And I have to clarify, I'm not exaggerating here. I'm not making a joke. This is what the guy says. If you want to be a human, you'll be a human. Also now there are dinosaurs. Yeah, so he's like, I'll finish these people off myself. I'll use this galactic dinosaur gun, which will resurrect prehistoric reptiles to murder all the people

left. And I'm like, was that an option the whole fucking time? It's like an eight year old on cocaine, right in the movie. To be like, yeah, and now the calcimator ray kills the robot monster and I bring dinosaurs back because they're cool. I like dinosaurs. And then two minutes after bringing dinosaurs back to life, he's like, also I have this other gun that'll just cause the earth to crumble into pieces.

And I'm like, well, why did you make fucking dinosaurs? What a cruel thing to do to us dinosaurs stink those pieces of shit twice. I mean, you're on uncooked game. So I thought of that. Oh shit. And just in case you were going to enjoy this bit, we have to watch the baby alligator kill the iguana again, which is pretty fucked up. They really brings the mood down. I wanted this stegosaurus to like just walk over to Alice and be like, how you doing? You like, can not catch a brain magic or I do magic. Okay, well that makes no sense because that would obviously charm Alice to the end of

the earth. No, he's starting a fight with me. Maybe you do math for her. I don't know. Maybe you surely pay the hangs. They do some math and math and her puzzles together. Maybe you can learn how to love crosswords for a giant sword. So.

And then of course, the earth breaks into pieces and Johnny wakes up. Now here's how poorly written this fucking movie is, right? Like when we last saw Johnny in the real world before the dream sequence started, he was taking a nap, right? So he could just wake up from that nap, but no, off camera, he did sneak away from that nap and then fell off of something and knocked himself unconscious on something and Roy had to go find him is what happened. Yep.

Okay, so it's all a dream. That's what we're learning here, right? Yes. Okay, fine. You sort of, you do, it's all a dream to get out of your shitty writing. But you know how in like Wizard of Oz, Dorothy, didn't turn out to be like really into incest and todo,

also. Okay. Oh. I have noticed that about Wizard of Oz. what of the many flaws of the movie. Make sure. Yeah. Well, they fix it here. Well, that's right.

They made return to us actually. So yeah, that's a fucked up movie. Have you seen return to us? No, I have a terrifying and great. Awesome. Right. So, but yeah, so, but Johnny's like like, oh shit, the whole movie was a dream. Well, that's cheap and terrible and they're like, sure is.

And then mom's like, hey, do you guys want to join us for dinner? I could fuck the professor and my daughter could fuck Roy just like in the dream and they're like, sure. And they all leave together with the camera lingers for a little bit longer on the cave. And just then when you think it's all over, the big fats, paste gorilla walks out of the cave after all. And it wasn't a dream. So the kid is prophetic. Is that what? Yeah. I also have to point out that they do the, or is there a moment literally four times

in a row? Like they show us Roman. But then they do that exact same shot three more times. Yeah. Just mention them being like, or is there or is there? All right. Roman, I need you to go like really far across the desert feel to a different spot. And we're going to try the same shot there. So what I think was actually good, because I like, I stood here for so long trying to figure out why the fuck they would keep showing that for so long.

And what I think was going on here is like, because he's walking right at the camera. And I think they were doing something with the stereo sound to make it sound like he was getting closer. And that was supposed to be a really impressive thing in theaters or something. Okay.

I figured it had to be something like that. There had to be an explanation for why the fuck we saw this shot for fucking time. So that's it. Okay, but I think they are saying that the kid is actually prophetic. Roman is there in the cave or whatever. Yes.

If they had just showed us the entire movie shot for shot again starting now. That would have been my favorite movie of all time. That would be genius. You can do that yourself though. Now that's that's a great way to watch this film. Just put it on loop and just like tell your friends, oh, this is a great bad movie. And just see how long it takes me to figure it out.

All right. Well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of robot monster, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to fall back into this trap. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, gentlemen, we've had our fun. It's back to work with a bat shit Christian documentary that people have been shopping at the bit for. This is apparently a request that was first made in our first year of the show. Oh wow. Here's the bio. Hundreds raised from the

dead, mana appearing in the Pentagon. Gemstones falling from the sky, teenagers healing perfect strangers on the street. This is an old time religion. This is a new beginning, a spiritual revolution. We'll be watching finger of God. Huh. I have a finger for him. That's a documentary.

It's a documentary. So the listener who he was like, Hey man, like I asked for this years ago, do me a favor, just watch the first 10 minutes. And I watched the first 10 minutes and I was like, this is the crazy instant I've ever seen in my life. Awesome. What do they think they're documenting? Is that the apocalypse?

Clear it for the new beginning of spiritual revolution. It's a documentary about the future, okay? So with a spiritual revolution to look forward to, I guess we'll bring episode three, eighty five to a more so close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I got off on there by your own early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review sharing the show and only various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a the presentation to D&D minus in the skeptic red available wherever podcast platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, citation aides, D&D, minus, and the skeptic crowd, available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or send them out a suggestion, you can email me at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast, you can provide about a lot of services as a P.N. Dr. Torres. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written in a performance by Ryan Slotting, a People Drafts Son Mars.

All the other musicals were written in a performance by our audio engineer, Martin Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathen Wright, Neely Labosting. I'm No Lutions, promise to work hard to earn on the truck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Heath went on to spend way too long thinking about which dinosaur would be the most tender lover. Noah already knew it was the Anky Lissaurus, as the most elaborate ton. I had tried seraphops in me. Johnny tried not to think too hard about why his dream involved a monster, raping his

older son. Right! Morgan, you missed it. Heath met an old man with dementia once informed his entire personality around that. That is entire personality, just the clicky parts. Did cancel some of your ridiculous only fans you like? No. It can't. So totally don't subscribe to the dusty old video. Okay, magas. You absolutely did it.

It can't so the old guy coughs only fans that you know, like I said, keeps the ones that I want there. Okay. Just tell me about a month. I don't. I don't know. I don't be, personally, this is how much you spend on only fans. And I'm like, Hey, relax. Be cool. Rocket money.

Nark. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023. All rights reserved.